Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bill fucked up. Bill really, really fucked up.

The spell wasn’t supposed to do this. The spell was supposed to create him a human vessel. One that would allow the demon to freely use magic in reality. A host that wouldn’t hold him back with the need for sleep or nourishment.

But no. Instead, the dream demon was stuck in the body of a fucking cat. A generic, grey furred egyptian cat with black spots. It didn’t even resemble the demon’s triangular form the slightest bit.

The feline growled and swiped angrily at a leaf, only for the leaf to get caught in the wind, circle once in the air before landing on top of Bill’s head. The demon closed his eyes and concentrated, attempting to set the stupid leaf on fire. No luck, this form was so weak he couldn’t even summon a spark of magic.

Bill shook his head, shaking the leaf off. There, one problem solved. Now to tackle the problem of being a fucking cat.

That was going to be a difficult one to solve.

The dream demon walked aimlessly through the forest in hopes the movement would help him remember something, anything of importance that would help reverse this mess. But after a couple hours of mindless walking, Bill still had nothing. The spell he used was old magic, from a spellbook that was buried so deeply in his library, the last time he used it was when Cleopatra was still alive.

Speaking of the spell, more evidence that it didn’t work properly was found in the fact that the dream demon’s new vessel was currently in need of whatever maintenance living organisms required to stay alive. His muscles ached from hours of moving. He felt a burning sensation in his new cat belly, as well as heard several growling sounds, which probably indicated he was hungry or something.

Wait. Those weren’t stomach growls.

Bill stopped walking, taking a moment to listen to the sounds of the forest. There was a low guttural sound coming from behind him. Slowly, the cat turned around only to be faced with a large wolf, it’s sharp teeth displayed in a slimy saliva covered snarl.

The demon cat bolted outta there like the author of this shitty story in regards to math class because fuck math.

Bill ran through the forest like his life depended on it, because it did and this is a stupid analogy. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, numbing the ache in his muscles and the burning feeling in his stomach. He found it hard to think about food when the cat had potential to become food.

Despite the demon’s best efforts, eventually he felt himself slow down, the sharp ache in his side overwhelming, his breathing heavier. Bill could feel the wolf’s breath against his tail, a few more minutes and it was going to catch him. What even happened when immortal entities died while possessing a vessel? Nothing good probably.

Just as Bill was about to give in to the exhaustion, something bright yellow zipped over his head. A pained howl came from the large wolf. There was a yellow dart sticking out of the beast’s front right leg. Growling weakly, the wolf staggered a few paces back before collapsing onto the dirt ground.

Bill was so surprised his didn’t notice the shooter until the human was standing behind him.

“Hey there little guy, you okay?”, a very familiar male voice spoke above him. Bill looked up to see the face of his arch nemesis, Dipper Pines. The absolute last living being he wanted to see at the moment, must less save his life.

Honestly, this day couldn’t get any worse.

Suddenly, dark clouds rolled across the sky accompanied by fat raindrops descending heavily onto the earth. Drenched with icy water, the cat shivered.

Had to jinx it Cipher, couldn’t keep the mouth shut. Or mind mouth shut. Thoughts shut? I don’t know it’s like 3:30 am right now.

Dipper bent down and reached out to scoop the spotted cat into his arms. The feline hissed, displaying his claws in a defensive position.

“Whoa there”, Dipper said, holding up his hands, “I didn’t mean to scare you, just thought you’d like to get out of the rain”

Bill rolled his eyes. Stupid human talking to what he thinks is a normal cat.

“Come on now”, he whispered, trying to sound as non threatening as possible. The man held out his hands, palms facing upwards, “I won’t hurt you little guy”

Bill growl, “Don’t patronize me”, he tried to say but ended up meowing instead. Reluctantly, the cat began to move towards the human. At least with Pine Tree he’d get out of the cold rain.

Dipper held the feline with one hand and used the other to tuck Bill under his outer layer of plaid. Bill snuggled deeper into the man’s chest, allowing himself to be surrounded by Pine Trees warmth and smell.

Chapter Text

The rain pelted down on the old stable roof of the Mystery Shack, the author of this story seriously did not want to do her biology project, and Bill hissed at the third bowl of foul smelling brown sludge that was placed in front of him. Not as noxious as the last two sorry excuses for nourishment, but definitely the champion of the “which brown lump looked closer to human feces” contest.

Bill tilted his head up to face the adult version of the twelve year old child he used to torment and tried his best to transmit what did I ever do to you and if I wasn’t stuck in this useless feline body I would tear your stupid but inconveniently cute face off your head in one facial expression. Because not only did the spell one hundred percent give him zero percent of the results the dream demon expected, the cat suit was also one hundred percent fully functional. A limited cat larynx, several properly functioning organ systems and trillions of cells that required a constant stream of oxygen to perform energy releasing chemical reactions.

Having a living vessel was fucking inconvenient. Why did living things even bother being alive?

The cat growled again, this time at the human.

Dipper ignored him, choosing to call out to his grunkle in the next room, “He doesn’t like this brand either”

“Well tell the feline to suck it up”, replied a gruff voice, “that’s all the cat food I have left from when Mabel sold those caticatures”

Dipper sighed, and brought his hands up to rub his grossly cute face. What in the 11 dimensions did Pine Tree have to be stressed about? He wasn’t the one trapped in the body of a cat.

Bill was about to voice this complaint in the form of more angry cat noises, but suddenly Pine Tree was crouching down to pick up the much smaller creature. Bill totally did not not scratch the human’s eyes out because of pure shock and surprise of being picked up. Not because he was distracted by Pine Trees face and his really warm and soft body. Nope. Nah uh, no chance, no way. Not at all. Chances of that are lower than the author of this story’s biology grade. Which is very low.

Unexpectedly, Bill found himself being dropped onto a pile of blankets located on the floor that was both very soft and smelled very Pine Tree like.

Dipper frowned at Bill, obviously displeased about something. “I’ll see if I can find you something to eat when this storm rolls over.” The human paused as if pondering a decision, before coming to a conclusion that made the dream demon’s newly acquired blood run cold, “But for now, let’s get you cleaned”

Hold up. Cleaned? Before Bill could let out another stream of hisses and growls to show obvious disagreement to the idea of being soaked in a bucket of water, Dipper stood up and walked towards the exit.

“Stay while I fill out the tub”, the human said before leaving the room. Like hell he was.

As soon as the dream demon was sure Pine Tree was a good distance away from the room, Bill jumped out the warm blanket pile and ran out the room. He scampered around the attic until he came across a dark room.

At least this feline form had night vision.

Bill slowly stalked around the room in search of a good hiding place from the psychopath that was hell bent on ruining the demon’s day. Seriously, first the foul smelling sludge and now this? And people thought Bill was the monster with destructive intentions. Humans were evil.

The demon was about to start climbing the wooden poles to hide on the beams running across the roof when he heard a small squeak.

He turned, eyes drawing to a small gray haired rodent scampering around on the other side of the room and suddenly remembered how hungry his vessel was. The demon smiled (well- mentally. Cats can’t actually smile) and slowly stalked towards his prey.

Not exactly the bloodshed Bill planned when he originally performed the vessel spell, but it’d do. For now.

:)

Bill was licking the last of the blood off his claws when the lights turned on.

“Are you kidding me”, said an astonished voice from the doorway, “I leave you alone for five minutes and you kill something”

If cats could grin, Bill definitely would. But his limited range of facial expressions forced him to settle for purring.

Pine Tree sighed, for probably the billionth time ever since bringing the demon under his roof. Hey, it’s the humans fault for capturing him and subjecting him to evil torture via foul odors and attempted bathing.

Bill was prepared this time for the human’s attempt to lift him up again. He clawed at Pine Trees hand, not very deep but enough to draw blood and for Bill to jump out of Dipper’s hold while the human jerked his hand back.

Internally snickering, the demon scaled up the nearest wooden pole until he reached the top. Bill leaped onto on the beam running across the roof with the grace of a cat, because he was one duh, sat back on his hind legs and did his best to stare smugly at Pine Tree from above.

The human had cease checking his wound, scratched hand now wrapped around a decently toned bicep as Pine Tree stood with his arms crossed. The human glare at the cat above him. Pine Tree had removed his outer layer of red plaid and footwear when he had gone to draw a bath, leaving him in nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants and a loose tank top that read “I make bad science puns because all the good ones Argon.” Terrible chemistry joke aside, the sleeveless article provided Bill the perfect opportunity to size up (ogle) the man standing below.

Dipper had grown up nicely over the years. From a small noodle-armed child that was a pain in his triangle ass to a decently hulky adult that was a pain in Bill’s furry cat ass. His messy mop of brown hair seemed fluffier now and curled around his head like a halo, probably because he finally ditched the ugly trucker hat the human used to hide his insecurities. Bill could see a small portion of the birthmark peaking out. Good, the birthmark had been one of the few things Bill actually liked about the annoying twerp.

Man, humans grow fast, it’s barely been half a decade since Six Fingers and the rest of the Pines banished the dreamed demon back into the mindscape.

Speaking of Six Fingers, where was the old man anyway? Stanford should probably be avoided at all cost, in case he winds up detecting Bill through his newly acquired vessel. He could always-

“Bill”

The demon pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of his name. Quickly, the cat turned to face the human, wondering if his disguise had already been figured out.

“Yeah, I think I’ll call you Bill”, the human said slowly. He grinned and it totally wasn’t endearing, “You’re just as annoying as him. It’s perfect.”

Chapter Text

Bill sank his claws into the floral drapery, letting gravity slowly drag his feline body down to the floor. The cat purred happily at the satisfying sound of the expensive fabric ripping.

The entire room was a disaster zone. The couch cushions had been shredded, their cotton insides scattered all across the floor like someone had committed couch murder. Every vase, framed picture, and glass knick knack was broken to pieces. Bill had mentally snickered every time he knocked an object over, savoring the music that was glass shattering.

Serves the human right for keeping Bill caged in his house. Bill had fallen asleep at the old Mystery Shack, only to wake up on a couch he’s never seen in a house he’s never been in smelling to much like the kid. The demon was about to resume tearing up Pine Tree’s nice drapes when he heard someone opening the door. Finally. The cat purred again, anticipating the human's reaction when he saw the living room.

“Bill, I’m home. I got some - Bill you little shit!”, he shouted. Bill took a few seconds to savor the anger and shock written on Pine Tree’s face. Purrfect.

Using Pine Tree’s surprise to his advantage, Bill took the opportunity to sprinted between Pine Tree’s legs and out the living room entrance. The human quickly recovered and began to chase after his asshole cat.

The two played their game of human and cat for the better part of that afternoon. Bill spent time hidden under furniture and in dark corners. Well enough that Pine Tree couldn't catch him but sloppy enough to continue their little game.

Bill made his first mistake when he got too confident. He was sprinting across a window sill and paused at the edge to smirk at the human chasing him. Pine Tree was more exhausted than angry now after spending the last few hours chasing a cat around his house. Bill was still taunting the human when he leaped off the sill to the bookshelf. Only he gravely miscalculated how far the shelf was and missed his landing by a couple of inches.

The cat let out a panicked meow on he plummeting towards the ground. Luckily for him, Pine Trees dove on the hardwood floor to cushion Bill's fall.

“Ow”, Dipper hissed. He turned his body slightly, mindful not to drop the confused cat resting on his back. He lightly rubbed his elbow. It had hit the ground pretty hard, it was definitely going to bruise.

Bill was too in shock to admire the pain he had caused the human. Dammit! This was the second time the human saved him! He was Bill Cipher, the most powerful dream demon in existence, a being of infinite energy. He wasn't supposed to be relying on some squishy meat sack.

Said meat sack had recovered from the painful fall and was glaring at the cat. Quickly, he grabbed the feline before Bill could recover enough to run off again. Bill was preparing himself to fight the human when Pine Tree pressed the cat against his chest.

“You okay?”, Pine Tree asked surprisingly gently. Bill was to confused about the lack of anger in the human's face to reply. The cat stayed motionless, curled in the human's arm while his fur was gently stroked.

“I hate you so much”, Pine Tree said, with too much endearment in his voice to sound angry.

-w-

“Why’d you name him Bill?”

“Because I hate him”, Dipper replied easily.

“So why are you still taking care of him?”, Mabel asked. “If you hate him so much, I'd be happy to take him off your hands”. Mabel was currently crouched on the ground, peeking under the couch at her brother's new cat. Bill had been hiding under the furniture ever since Mabel came home. All of her attempts to coax the cat back out only resulted in hisses and claw swipes.

“I don't think he likes you very much”, he said, causing his twin to turn around and glare at him.

“No fair”, she pouted, “he's been living with you for 2 days now and I've just met him. Give him some time and he'll cozy up to me”.

“Mable”, Dipper looked exhausted, “You screamed and tackled him the moment you saw him on my lap. He's terrified of you”.

There was an angry meow from under the couch.

“Nah he's just shy”, she reasoned. Dipper didn't bother replying to that.

“By the way”, Mabel added, “why is our living room so bear?” he didn't reply to that either. A content purr came from under the coach. Maybe handing Bill off to Mabel wouldn't be a terrible idea after all.