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Trevor felt like shit.
He always did, honestly, but it wasn't the normal shitty feeling that bothered him throughout the day. Crying in Rowan's arms for half an hour and then crying in his room for another hour after that definitely made it worse. It'd been hours since it had happened, but he still didn't feel any better. Rowan had left to see Elisia, practically begging Trevor to stay in his room until he got home. Trevor didn't have a choice anyway. His body felt like it weighed more than a ton of bricks, and his head spun every time he tried to stand up.
The thought of trying to take more pills to make the pain go away made him nauseous despite the fact he hadn't even taken any. It was an ugly feeling. In an attempt to drown it out, he lays in the middle of his bedroom, sprawled out on the floor with his headphones on. The music blasting through them filled his head with intricate guitar riffs and sappy lyrics, but he didn't care as long as it made him feel better.
Trevor wasn't really sure why he had wanted to take all those pills. He had told Rowan that his life was a mess and he was jealous of everyone who had it together, but maybe it was more. Maybe it was his fear of Rowan's mom leaving his dad and he'd be stuck without a mother for years again. Or maybe it was how he questioned whether he liked girls at all or not, and wasn't sure how his friends would receive that.
Looking at colleges was already scary, he didn't need his friends rejecting him for simply existing on top of that. He was scared of being alone. It made him feel empty and it kept him up at night. There wasn't an easy way to make it go away, and he often stayed up at night wondering why he was like this. So maybe that was why he took the pills. If he was dead, he wouldn't have to feel so lonely anymore.
Reaching up, he wipes away the tears streaming down his face. He didn't want to keep crying, it hurt his head and made breathing hard. Taking a deep inhale, he tries to calm himself down. Stop crying, Trevor thinks to himself, you're still alive so stop crying.
It took him a while to calm down again, but once he did, he remembered Rowan had told him to check his phone every once in a while, just in case something went wrong. It'd become a habit after the whole incident with The Zoo, anyway. He was paranoid, to say the least, but it made him less anxious checking his messages often.
Rowan hadn't called him, but she had sent a few messages. They're mostly asking how Trevor is and if he needs anything, but it feels like a lot of work to respond to them. He's about to shut off his phone when Rowan messages again. It reads:
can u invite someone over? i dont u 2 b alone
Trevor stares at the message for a long time. Who would he even invite over? Sean would ask too many questions and probably psychoanalyze Trevor within 20 minutes, which was not something Trevor was down for. It'd be weird to ask Ash, especially since they weren't friends and had only met twice. He could always ask Brandon.
Why did it always have to be Brandon?
Trevor no longer had a word to describe his relationship with Brandon. He didn't want to think about Brandon or what happened that one night with him. If possible, he would discard any feelings hidden in the back of his mind that seemed to make themselves present around his best friend. Sometimes he still wishes they were more than friends, but what kind of person thinks that about their best friend?
"Fuck it," Trevor mumbles to himself as he pulls up Brandon's contact and tugs off his headphones. There's no time to regret his decision after he hits the call button because Brandon picks up almost immediately.
"What's up, T?" Brandon says on the other end of the line. Trevor's stomach does a flip hearing his voice.
"Hey," Trevor croaks out, his throat feeling a lot drier than he remembered.
Brandon laughs, "You good, man? Did you need something or..."
"Yeah uh- are you busy right now?" Trevor asks, trying to keep his voice even. He didn't want Brandon to know anything was wrong, he just needed somebody to come over and distract him.
"Nah, not really. I just got back from getting pizza with Sean," Brandon explains, "Why?"
"Oh, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to come over or like- stay the night or something," Trevor says, shrugging his shoulders as if Brandon could see him. He silently prays that he doesn't sound desperate. His worst fear is sounding like a whiny prick around Brandon. "It's okay if you don't wanna. I'll ask Sean."
"What, you miss me already?" Brandon jokes, but it makes Trevor's heart drop. He stumbles over his words before Brandon says, "You wanna watch a movie?"
"Sure."
"Cool. I'll be over in like 10." Brandon hangs up on Trevor, leaving him in complete silence.
He's not really sure what to do with himself as he waits for Brandon to arrive. Trevor continues laying on the floor until he hears a knock on his window. Already knowing who it is, he drags himself off the floor. His limbs feel a lot heavier now than they did before, but he tries to pretend like nothing is wrong as he opens his window for Brandon.
"Since when did you lock your window?" Brandon asks, acting offended as he climbs into the room. He drops his bag beside Trevor's bed, sitting down on the edge of it.
"Since we had stalkers that threatened to kill my sister?" Trevor scoffs, "Multiple times, at that."
Brandon shrugs, "That didn't stop you before. You always leave your window open for me."
Trevor shakes his head, holding back all the words forming at the tip of his tongue. He only started locking it in hopes of getting over Brandon. He didn't need more unexpected late-night visits from him. It'd only make the weird feeling in his stomach worse.
"I'll make sure it's unlocked next time."
After successfully forcing Brandon to watch Reservoir Dogs and Fight Club by claiming they were some of the best movies ever made, Trevor and Brandon lay on their backs on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Trevor's lamp makes the walls glow a warm yellow, creating shadows across the room. He looks over at Brandon, who seems to be completely zoned out.
Trevor notices how he's biting on his chapped bottom lip, making him subconsciously lick his own. His mouth tastes like toothpaste from when he brushed them a few minutes ago, and he can't help but wonder if Brandon's does too. He pushes that idea to the back of his mind, trying to ignore his solution to satisfy his curiosity.
"Can you check what time it is?" Brandon suddenly asks, making Trevor tear his eyes away from the other's face. He nods and repeats the time written on the clock sitting on the nightstand to Brandon, who's mid-yawn. "It's almost one already?"
Trevor nods again as Brandon turns to face him. "Do you want me to turn off the light?"
"Nah, you can leave it on," Brandon says while running his hand through his hair. Trevor tries to focus on the ceiling as he turns onto his side so his back is faced away from Brandon.
He already knew he wouldn't be able to sleep like this. His options are to either fall asleep at 4 a.m. and then wake up the next day feeling like shit, or grab Brandon's hand after he fell asleep so Trevor had some chance of sleep. Both options sounded horrid, but what choice did he really have?
Deciding to go with the latter, Trevor flips onto his stomach and slips his hand underneath Brandon's blanket. He feels around feels blindly around before bumping into Brandon's hand. He hooks two fingers around what he assumes is Brandon's pinkie and ring finger. Brandon's hand is a lot warmer than Trevor expected it to be.
"What are you doing?"
Trevor instantly releases his hand, shoving it underneath his pillow and flipping onto his side to avoid looking at Brandon. His heart is beating faster than it should, and Trevor's afraid Brandon is going to freak out on him. There was always that fear around Brandon, even though it might've just been Trevor overthinking everything and being scared of upsetting his friend.
"Trev?"
"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that," Trevor says, sounding more like he's scolding himself. "I can't sleep without holding onto something- like a person or animal or something. I usually do it with my cat but it's whatever, sorry."
Brandon is quiet for a few moments, and Trevor is scared he's going to leave. Instead, Brandon asks, "Why?"
"I don't- it's hard to explain. I just don't like the feeling of being alone and it makes me feel better," Trevor mumbles, feeling the heat rising to his face from admitting that. He'd never told anybody that before, and out of all people it had to be Brandon?
"It's not dumb," Brandon says quietly. Trevor practically stops breathing at that moment. "What if I held you? Would that help or anything?"
"What?"
Brandon shifts around beside Trevor before he feels something pressing against his back. He gets pulled backward, pressing closer into Brandon's chest. Words bubble up in Trevor's throat, but he's not sure how to respond. Every inch of his skin was on fire, but he'd been trying so hard to get over Brandon and all of this was ruining it.
"Is this okay?" Brandon asks.
Ignoring his best judgment, Trevor maneuvers himself to be facing Brandon. He can't force himself to make eye contact so he shoves his face into Brandon's shirt and nods. He hugs Brandon's torso without saying anything else.
"Call me any time you can't sleep, okay?" Brandon smooths out Trevor's hair, "Even if it's every night, I don't care."
Trevor mutters an 'okay', not wanting to pull away to reveal the fact his entire face was probably turning bright pink. He knew he was too self-conscious to ever ask Brandon to come over late at night just so he could be held, but at least for now, he could sleep peacefully.