Chapter Text
Two weeks after the heart attack and Ben was out of Hospital. He was staying with his mum still, even though his dad would have preferred him to live at his. He just needed some space, needed some time to continue to recover.
He had started therapy, started. It wasn't going that well, Ben struggled to open up. But there was one thing that had definitely talked out. Him losing Callum, he'd been told by his mum and brother that Callum had saved his life, given him CPR. Part of him was glad that his husband still cared enough to save him. Part of him wished that Callum and Jay hadn't found him, or had walked away as Suki did. He felt like he didn't deserve to be saved. Especially by the one person he had hurt the most. Most people would have left him to die on a pile of rubbish. He didn't blame them either.
The therapist had asked him, why was he so set on Callum not knowing. So Desperate to keep Callum as far away from it as possible. His answer was always that Callum deserves better, a better husband, a better life.
For three days, his mum, Jay, now his therapist. All telling him to speak to Callum, that Callum deserves to know and to make his own decisions. He didn't know what was for the best anymore. He was so tired, that he was struggling to stay sober. Sober from both drugs and alcohol, as well as being told to cut down or stop smoking. Dealing with everything sober was too much. Ben knew his family was struggling with him too, they rarely did ever know how to deal with him. But he knew his husband did, well did before he seemed to stop wanting to when their marriage started going through a rocky patch in January.
He decided that he would give Callum a choice, and if he decided to leave it that Ben was okay with that. Well, as well as he could be. But Ben himself knew he wouldn't be able to do it in person, he'd tried before.
So here he was, locked himself in his bedroom. Paper, pen and envelope in his lap. He began to write. He laid everything out, he knew if he was going to do this, he had to good it right. He had to lay his feelings bare. He could try to do that, in the safety of his locked bedroom. Where he could let himself be vulnerable.
After he'd finished the letter, he sealed it in the envelope. Before curling up under his duvet, letting himself sob. He continued sobbing til his body gave into sleep.
The next morning, he made himself get out of bed. Dragged himself to get ready. Even though he only put on a hoodie and joggers. He pulled his hood up to hide his face as he left his mum’s house out the back gate.
He quickly raced to the funeral parlour as quickly as he can, with his chest still tight. He entered the parlour. Careful to make sure that Jay was alone. He waited in the doorway, half covering his body with the door frame.
“Bruv, you okay?” Jay questions when he looks up and sees him.
“Need a favour,” Ben says quietly.
“What do you need? You want me to come back to your mum’s” Jay asks.
“No, it's okay. Just. Can you give his to Callum? Tell him it's okay if he doesn't open it. Just give him the option.” Ben quickly says, dropping the letter in front of Jay on the desk. Before trying to rush out of the room.
“Ben, stop please,” Jay shouts.
“Please Jay, before I change my mind,” Ben says his voice breaking.
“This is what I think it is. You telling him?” Jay asks. Ben nods.
“Everything” Ben whispers.
“Proud of you bruv.” Jay states.
“Don't Jay, he definitely won't love me anymore if he does read that. I don't know what to think about it. He deserves more than me, doesn't need a burden like me. None of you does.” Ben said before running out and back into the comfort of his locked bedroom.
..............................................................................
That evening, Jay sitting on the sofa of the flat. Waiting for Callum to come home from work. Nerves arise when he hears the door click and Callum's footsteps coming up the stairs of the flat.
“You alright Jay?” Callum says spotting him on the sofa.
“Yeah, look Callum I need to talk to you.” Jay starts.
“What's up?” Callum asks confused.
“I need you to hear me out. Ben asked me to give you this?” Jay replies handing Callum the letter.
“Jay, whatever he says in this, isn't going to fix the fact he cheated on me.” Callum responses.
“Callum, Ben promises me that he wrote everything in here. Everything you don't know, all I can say is that knowing you would change how you feel. Ben is convinced that you won't even open it, or read it. That you won't give him a chance to explain. Honestly, Callum, I'm scared. Scared that Lexi is going to lose her dad and I'm going to lose my brother. I don't know how long he's going to stay sober. If the drugs and alcohol don't kill him, he’ll find another way. I don't know how to help him now, it's not me he needs.” Jay explains.
“What do you mean to find another way?” Callum whispers shocked.
“I've nearly lost my brother twice in the last couple of weeks. The other time, Ben told Khreeat about Jags, and what he did. Khreeat tried to strangle him, but he was stopped. But the marks around his neck, made me feel sick. But he didn't care, all he had to say to Kathy was that Khreeat should have finished the job.” Jay informs him.
“Why would he tell Khreeat that? He knew that he would kill him.” Callum said.
“I think he thinks it is what he deserves,” Jay replies.
“Promise me you're at least read it” Jay adds.
“Alright, ill read it. But right now Jay I can't see anything changing.” Callum responses.
A couple of hours later and Callum makes himself a hot chocolate and goes off to his bedroom. He sits down on his bed and picks up the letter from his makeshift bedside table. Something was bugging him about Jay’s words. That they were something he didn't know. Something that would change how he felt.
He ran his fingers over Ben’s handwriting of his name. He always loved Ben’s swirly handwriting. Before turning it over and opening the letter.
‘Dear Callum,
Writing this I'm scared that you won't even be open to reading this letter. And that's okay, although I've got no idea how I will deal with you knowing or not wanting to know. Everyone told me that I need to stop hiding things from you. That I need to let you make your own decisions about this, about me and us. That all the cards need to be on the table for you to make those decisions. It’s funny because I remember you telling me something like that before.
I know that I have never been good enough for you. Not that I've been good enough for anybody. And I know I definitely ain't going to be good enough for anyone now, especially for you and especially for Lexi. You and Lexi have been the greatest part of my life. I still don't know what I did to deserve to even be part of your life. I will forever be in debt to whoever let me be a little part of your life.
I'm gonna start from the beginning of when things started going wrong. Back in January, when I watched those blokes beat you. Watching them attack you for who we are. I failed to protect you, I told myself that if was there with Paul that night. Then I could save him, protect him. But that night when they attack us, I failed to protect you. I froze and then I realised what if I couldn't have saved Paul. What if I lost you the same way I lost Paul? I couldn't deal with that. I knew that I couldn't deal with losing you too.
I thought hiding who we are would protect you. But you being you, my gorgeous beautiful proud husband didn't wanna hide anymore. And even though I couldn't say it to you, I was so proud of you for that. But I was so scared, scared that I would lose you, that someone was going to hurt you.
For months, I have had nightmares every night. The same nightmare that you died that night when they attacked us. Then your face would change into Pauls and then back to yours. I spent hours awake, making sure you were still breathing, that you were still alive. I hate that losing my hearing, took being able to hear your heartbeat. It has always been my favourite pastime. You would always laugh at me for wanting to listen to your heartbeat, how I fantasise and was obsessed with it. But it was always about feeling safe, knowing you were there and you are safe. I don't know why I was and am like that. Maybe it got something to do with losing Paul I don't know. But I missed hearing your heartbeat. To this day, I'm scared because I can't hear or feel your heartbeat, feel the rise and your chest. I worry that you are not safe, and do not know if your home and safe or not is so hard. But I know that because of the decisions I have made.
Attacking those men, was the decision I made that yes I do regret. But at the time it was the only way I could think of, to protect you. To keep those men that hated us for who we are from getting to you. From hurting you, from killing you too. I know now it was a wrong decision. I hurt a lot of people with my decision. Because of me, Peter has left mum with nothing and that's all my fault. And I seriously don't know why she still loves me or wants me around because she shouldn't.
Now for the hardest part, I need to explain to you what happened that night. It's hard thinking about you knowing what really happened. I don't know what I'm more scared of, you knowing and not caring. Or you knowing and wanting to help me. But the truth is I don't know if I can be helped now, or fixed. I'm too broken, too far gone now.
When we argued and I left the flat. I honestly thought I had fucked us up for good. That you wouldn't want me anymore. I went to drown my sorrow in the VIC. I had a few beers, and I decided to download that app. I knew it was a bad decision, but I wanted to make it easier for you to leave me. I was angry and stupid. I flicked through some of them before I landed on Lewis’s account. I began messaging him, but nothing really that bad, I wanted to take to someone, I said some shit things about you. I was angry and I regret those things and I will for the rest of my life.
I then went to Albert and got drunk chatting with him. I was so drunk I was struggling to stand up. I flirted with him and said something about going upstairs. When we were upstairs, we were kissing and making out. Then he went down to lock the doors. My phone went off and it was you sending me the cutest picture of you and Lexi. Like someone had throw a bucket of ice cold water over me. At that moment I knew I had fucked up, I didn't want this. I wanted you, I still had a chance to keep my family together. When Lewis came back, I said something about getting a glass of water and getting up. He pushed me back down on the sofa and said later. He keeps trying to kiss me and pushing me down onto the sofa. I tried to stop him, Cal, but I said no. But he did it anyway Cal. He raped me. I froze and let him do it, Cal. It was all my fault and I'm so sorry.
You were right to leave me, I deserved to lose you. You deserve to have someone so much better than me. You all do. The drink and the drugs are the only way I can deal with what happened. The pain, and being so scared.
Please remember that I have always loved you and wanted you. Maybe my life now, being so broken, dirty and damaged is my punishment for all the bad things I have done. I don't know. Promise you, that you live your life to the full. Find someone who can love you and look after you better than I could.
Cal, I can't be the dad Lexi wants or needs. She's yours too, she always will be. She loves you. Please look out for her, and be the dad she deserves and wants. Please make sure she knows that I will always love my princess, my baby.
Love you forever and always
Ben x
Tears fell down his cheeks. Realising that Jay was right, the letter from Ben would change how he felt. He missed the signs, he could see it now. He was so angry at himself for his actions, for the things he's said to Ben.