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PART 1 (Stay With Me...)
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Somehow, I’m thinking that Magnus would have been heavily conflicted over the choice he made to trade his magic for the power required to free Jace from the owl. He’d sworn that he’d fix it – using “the last drop of his power to do it if it was the death of him”… but he’d never imagined that it could ever be the death of Alec instead.
Then again, it’s not like Magnus could have expected them to wait forever for him to return from Edom with a solution to free Jace before they chose to move forward with their plan to rescue Clary. Truth was, when he left, there was no absolute guarantee he’d ever be able to make it back – that Asmodeus would allow him to leave his realm.
Alec chose to trust Magnus to take that risk – to know his father well enough that he wouldn’t harm him and would let him go free, hopefully with the help they needed… but when he made the call to go forth with the rescue mission, part of him was terrified that they’d miscalculated that risk, and that he might have lost Magnus, too.
Ultimately, Alec was the one that made that call – the one that chose to play bait and keep the owl distracted while the others focused their efforts on freeing Clary, to keep Jace away from Simon by offering the owl something else to “toy with” instead.
Luke and Isabelle could fight the possessed Mundanes without killing them almost indefinitely. But the owl was much more powerful than he was – he could hopefully stall and buy them valuable time, but he had little hope of winning. Even if he’d said he wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice Jace to kill the owl, and put an end to his parabatai’s living nightmare, part of him still clung to the hope that Magnus would return with the ability to save him instead.
And he had. What mattered is that he had. Magnus’ plan had worked, the owl had been destroyed, and Jace had been freed from possession.
And Alec was beyond grateful - especially knowing the cost that Magnus had been willing to pay to save him… And so, he used his last moments to do his best to soothe Magnus’ guilt, and hopefully make him understand – with few words and what little strength he had left – just how grateful he was for the choice he’d made…
Alec didn’t want to die, and especially never wanted to leave Magnus behind… But with how powerful the owl was, if Magnus hadn’t made the choice he had, then Alec would still have tried to hunt him down to free Jace, and there was no guarantee that he – or even Magnus – would have been strong enough to kill him without the added power he’d received from Asmodeus.
If Magnus hadn’t given up his magic in exchange for Asmodeus’ help, then the owl might very well have killed them both, perhaps eventually the rest of their family as well, and Jace would still have been trapped in his own personal hell – forced to suffer a fate much worse than death until Lilith would have taken everything and everyone they loved from the world.
Magnus might have expressed some concern that, after everything that the owl had made Jace do and tortured him with, being forced to watch it slowly inflict a mortal wound upon his parabatai – powerless to stop it – might prove too much for him to recover from…
Hell! If Magnus had agreed to Asmodeus’ other deal to come back to Edom to rule with him instead, then he’d have had the power to free Jace, heal Alec, and then return to his father’s side – knowing that, at least, the two of them would be okay.
But Alec wouldn’t have found it easier to know that Magnus would have saved Jace from his own personal Hell, only for him to now become trapped in literal Hell instead – possibly forever.
He might have gained a lifetime with Jace – his parabatai – but he’d have lost the man he loved more than anyone and anything in the world; knowing that he, too, was suffering from a fate he also considered worse than death. Alec had been “trapped” for so long, living up to other people’s expectations – doing the Clave and his parent’s will while believing that it was his duty to fall in line and avoid asking too many questions – that being forced to live as a Prince of Hell in Edom, as per Asmodeus’ will, sounded absolutely horrifying.
Maybe that was one of the reasons why he couldn’t judge what Magnus had done while being raised by his father… he actually got it. Clinging to what was known, to those that promised a vulnerable child safety, warmth, and protection in exchange for their unconditional love, obedience, and loyalty only for them to abuse that love and that trust? That was definitely something Alec had been familiar with, and he knew just how difficult it was to break away from that.
And sadly, not all parents were like his mom and found a way to break free of their own conditioning to embrace the love they had for their children instead – to stop seeking to control them, take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize, and learn to listen instead.
So, having Magnus be forced to join Asmodeus in Edom, so he and Jace might have gained a few decades together? Nothing was worth that.
No. Short of everyone having survived the ordeal – their next best option had been sacrificing Jace’s life or someone else’s in exchange for removing him from Lilith’s grasp. He simply couldn’t honestly tell if his being the life being sacrificed instead of Jace’s was better or worse.
Losing Jace would have hurt like Hell and taken a part of his soul with him, true – but Alec didn’t carry the memories of what the owl did with him on top of everything else… And Clary hadn’t had to sacrifice a part of herself – her own identity – to save him. She hadn’t suddenly become mundane after centuries living with the body and mind of a powerful warlock, and mortal life was something she understood and grew up learning to get used to.
If Jace had been the one dying instead, there was no doubt that Clary wouldn’t have been devastated by the loss; but she wouldn’t have been faced with the reality of needing to handle both that loss and such a momentous identity crisis. She might have found some comfort, and even some modicum of relief, perhaps, knowing that Jace was no longer in such horrible mental pain and had hopefully found peace.
So, as horrible as it might have sounded, having Jace being the one dying might have made things easier to cope with as a whole… Because Magnus and Jace would likely now have a more difficult road towards recovery than Clary and Alec themselves would’ve had – and yet fate had decided otherwise.
The selfish part of Alec, and his protective parabatai instincts, might have been glad that he was the one whose own blood was slowly drowning him instead of Jace – but the more rational and strategic part of his mind was able to recognise that Jace would have a very hard time coming to terms with what the owl did while in his own body, and Magnus with the fact that the choice he made took away the one thing that could have saved his lover’s life.
Alec hadn’t even shared the demon’s memories of violently murdering Clary’s mother and it had almost destroyed him – the amplified guilt and self-hatred he’d experienced under Iris Rouse’s spell had been enough to push him off the edge, literally!
Still, regardless of the outcome, regardless of whether Jace and Magnus themselves managed to survive the aftermath of everything that had just happened – the choices that were made and their consequences – he believed that anything was better than the torture Jace had been subjected to under Lilith.
What mattered most was that Magnus’ plan had worked in that regard, at the very least, and that Alec was grateful that it did.
All he could hope for was that they’d successfully rescue Clary – that she’d help ground and heal Jace’s tortured spirit – and that they’d provide Magnus with a supportive and loving family to help him deal with his own loss, guilt, and now mortal life.
And that, wherever he was going – if he was going anywhere – he’d be able to lend them some of his own strength.
Alec was almost grateful that Jace had left his side to go try and rescue Clary, given the way that Magnus’ overwhelming grief and desperate pleading were affecting him…
Entreat me not to leave thee…
He didn’t want to leave them – either of them. For all the ways Alec didn’t fear dying itself, he feared losing those he loved with a passion. Perhaps there was a time when he would have thought himself expandable, someone whose very nature could only bring shame to his family… A time when dying bravely and honorably protecting his parabatai would have been a blessing rather than a curse – saving him from having to face all the things he couldn’t yet accept about himself and revealing. A time when he would have found peace in the knowledge that he would be remembered as people wished to remember him, rather than having them know what a disappointment he truly was. A time when he would have underestimated the depth of his family’s love, and how his loss might have affected them…
Demons couldn’t create fears, Magnus had told him, only bring them to the surface. Magnus had saved his life, in more ways than one. He supposed it was all his fault, wasn’t it? The way he’d managed to stubbornly convince him that he was good enough, something beautiful to be cherished, that he should take pride in who he was regardless of whatever other people thought of him; that those that did truly care about him wouldn’t desert him, but only grow to love and respect him more if he took risks and followed his heart rather than the law.
“You’re a big old softie when you stop worrying about what people are thinking about you.” Isabelle had been right all along… He almost felt guilty thinking just how deeply his baby sister had loved him and truly seen him for who he was all these years; and yet Alec had never been able to truly hear and trust everything she’d been telling him. Maybe because his parents had somehow managed to drill into him that Isabelle was the “rebellious one”, and that it was Alec’s responsibility, as her big brother, to ensure she didn’t stray too much away from the path that they had set for her.
Alec had cared more about protecting her and keeping her out of trouble than letting her guide him back to himself. She’d been his guardian angel all along, too – wise beyond her years, watching over his soul and making sure he wouldn’t utterly lose himself to the Clave and their parents’ expectations.
He and Jace were too alike – they had needed the influence of outsiders that didn’t share the Clave’s culture to start questioning their ways and opening their hearts to new possibilities.
But Isabelle? She’d kept her eyes opened and seen what was happening since the very beginning. Where either of them would have been without her unconditional, selfless love and influence, he didn’t know… He wished he could have told her that, he prayed to every angel out there that she knew, and never would doubt how strong she was.
A certain sense of peace washed over him as he realised that he was leaving the Institute in the most capable hands he could ever think of. Isabelle was every bit the leader he was – if not more. Perhaps Alec had a better grasp of how it felt to be indoctrinated by the Clave and blinded by their laws, but Isabelle’s compassion for the Downworld and how those laws negatively impacted them – combined with her will and determination – made her a force to be reckoned with.
She’d have the support of the warlocks, vampires, and even seelies if she chose to take over as Head of the New York Institute, of that he had no doubt. And if the Clave tried to step in the way, he’d gladly haunt their asses and cause havoc from the beyond until they finally saw reason.
He wished he could have seen her one last time and said goodbye, but he knew Isabelle would be fine… She’d hurt, she’d mourn, she’d grieve, she’d miss him like crazy – and so would he – but she would find a sense of renewed purpose in leading her people towards a better, more inclusive future, too. Of that, he had no doubt.
He was leaving the fate of the Shadow World into the best, most capable hands he could think of…
But his whole world – Magnus – was crumbling right before him, and there was nothing he could do about it.
And Jace… By the angels, Jace… Alec remembered having felt him die – the anguish, the pain, the way it had felt like a part of him was being torn apart until everything had come to a sudden, disorienting stop, leaving only a profound sense of numbness and emptiness in its wake.
Alec hadn’t cried, then, he hadn’t really thought. Jace was gone – he couldn’t feel him, he just couldn’t feel. He had no doubt that the pain and the grief would have found him – with a vengeance – later. That, once his mind and body fully realized what the numbness and emptiness meant, and that he’d never feel the part of Jace’s soul that usually resided within him again, or never get the part of his own soul that had followed Jace in death, everything would just come crashing down and threaten to suffocate that last parts of him that were still alive.
Thankfully, he hadn’t needed to reach that point. They’d gone to help Clary – hoping that they weren’t both dead or that she wasn’t dying – and found her kissing and snuggling up with a very alive Jace. It had been one of the most surreal and confusing moments of his too-short life.
All he knew, however, is that he’d never have wished for his parabatai to ever experience that… He never would have wished for Jace to discover what happened after the shock and the emptiness wore off. And yet, even that seemed to pale in comparison to the terror and despair he’d experienced in the wake of the Soul Sword’s devastation – not knowing if Magnus had been caught in the blast that would have taken him away from him forever.
Back then, he’d never even had the chance to tell Magnus that he loved him… The last time he’d seen him, he’d unfairly blamed him for not having told him that Isabelle was looking for a source of yin fen – for Magnus having believed his sister’s lies about investigating a case involving it.
He’d almost implied Magnus wasn’t family when it couldn’t be further from the truth. If Magnus had been killed then, Alec didn’t know how he’d have been able to cope with that – all the things left unsaid and those he regretted saying.
The prayers he’d spoken in his mind that day – as he’d frantically searched for Magnus throughout the Institute – were about how he’d be willing to give up anything if just for one more moment with Magnus, if just for one chance to tell him that he loved him and let him know how much he meant to him.
And he’d been given that chance. Perhaps it was enough – perhaps he should be grateful that the angels had listened to him back then and given them that chance…
Maybe he should consider himself lucky that he didn’t have such regrets this time around. The only things Alec regretted were things that had never happened yet – dreams of a life together he was hoping they would have, milestones in a relationship they had yet to reach – but nothing that had been left unsaid or undone between them, when they could still have had the chance.
And he would regret having been forced to leave him…
He didn’t even try to make Magnus promise him to move on from his own loss, find love again, enjoy his mortal life, or to watch over Jace and make sure to find a way to keep him alive… He only asked him to do his best to let his family and their loved ones help him and Jace. When things got tough, not to push them away.
Of course, Alec didn’t know that the rescue mission would go further south, and that Clary would be kidnapped by Jonathan, making it look like Simon’s mark had killed her.
Nor did he anticipate how frustrating it would be for him watching those he loved go through that grief while being powerless to tell them where she was, and how to get to her.