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SIDEMEN COUPLES BAKE OFF

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The video starts playing: it's an in-person intro that the viewers can visually see, all seven boys lined up in a kitchen with Josh in the middle. All of the boys stand around him, three on each side of him. He has JJ, Tobi and Harry on the screen's left (his right) and Simon, Vik and Ethan on the screen's right (his left).

"Hello! As you may have noticed," Josh leans forward with his words, bends at the waist briefly before standing straight, his hands clasped together after a singular clap, "we are in a kitchen, today. A very nice kitchen, I might add."

As Josh continues with the intro to the video, the boys beside him descend into hushed whispers, looking around themselves and verbally admiring the facilities they have rented out for the video.

"It's been a while since we last did a baking video, hasn't it boys?" Josh asks, to the boys rather than to the camera. The other Sidemen nod in agreement, since their last baking video was the Halloween one almost a year ago, now. "For this one, there is no specific theme - you could argue, however, that the theme for this video is love, since the boys are going to be working with their partners!"

All of them, together, cheer in some manner, many of them raising their arms in the air, big smiles of surprise evident on their faces.

"Well, I do like this idea, I must say." Harry says as he makes a show of leaving his spot and walking over to his boyfriend, perfectly at ease even when Simon's arms come up to wrap around him, pulling him sideways against the taller man's chest. There are words gently murmured in Harry's ear, though the matter of what words is kept a secret to the fans. Simon kisses Harry's cheek before the camera focuses on someone else.

Vik, from his spot standing beside Simon, blinks. Twice. He vaguely resembles a meerkat with the way his head shoots up minutely, his neck stretching, looking around as if searching for confirmation. "Oh, are we moving now? Don't mind if I do, then!"

With that, he shuffles his way over to his own boyfriend, greeting Tobi with a soft shoulder bump, nudging him in greeting before Tobi's arm comes up to wrap around him easily.

Meanwhile, JJ is too busy staring slack-jawed at one of the cameras to truly comprehend the fact that his friends have moved from their original positions.

"For real?" He asks of the camera, almost as if the camera holds all of the answers - or the viewers on the other side of it, bewilderingly. His voice, as he pronounces the words, is high-pitched, and is again when he turns to Josh. "We're actually going with our boyfriends? There's not gonna be like a switch, is there? 'Cause that's mean."

"Nah," Tobi quickly rushes to assure his friend, "Josh isn't that cruel. He can be a bit sadistic sometimes, but he isn't that harsh."

Simon smirks from his position behind Harry - who now faces forward with his back against the other's chest - his cheek resting against the shorter man's head. "I dunnnooo." He elongates the word mockingly.

"Oi, close your mouth and get over here, JJ."

JJ, still appearing to be in an unadulterated state of shock, adheres to his boyfriend's demand with no complaints. His face immediately brightens when he's greeted with a peck to the shoulder from Ethan.

"Nah, what was that-"

Simon goes mostly ignored, bar an intense stare from Ethan to his left. "Shut, your fucking mouth, Minter." Ethan warns, pointing an index finger for added affect, seemingly.

"Oi, he's my Minter, so you shut you're fucking mouth."

Tobi's sigh rings out through headphones of all kinds, all around the world, purposely drowning out the devolving disagreement between the two other couples. He smiles directly at the camera as he says, "This is gonna be fun," before nudging Vik's head with his own and asking his boyfriend, "Right, Vik?" To which he receives a nod from Vik before the younger man turns away to approach one of the several different counters.

The camera cuts a few seconds later.

~•~

The next load of footage to appear on screen presents the boys at separate counters in the kitchen, standing beside their respective boyfriends with aprons on. Each team has their own apron: Ethan and JJ have purple; which Ethan doesn't seem too happy about, complaining as he is to JJ in the background; Vik and Tobi are wrapped in red; Simon and Harry meanwhile are wearing blue aprons.

"Ready when you are, boys," Josh announces, both of his arms in the air, making a big show of announcing the start of the challenge. "You have two hours, starting... NOW! Dont forget to bake a cake - that's all I ask."

~•~

The first couple the camera pans to is Vik and Tobi, looking mightily productive as they jump right into baking. Tobi starts weighing out measurements as Vik runs down the isle between the counters in order to pick their flavour(s).

Rather quickly, Vik is joined at the little additions corner - shelves brimming with numerous flavours and colours and decorations - by Ethan, who looks to be in a rush. His demeanor is a stark contrast to Vik's relaxed, unhurried browsing.

As Ethan turns to shout behind himself once or twice, asking JJ his opinions on the matter, Vik grabs a tiny bottle of a caramel-tinted liquid.

Vik, conspiratorially, tells the camera, as if it's a big secret, that you, "Can't go wrong with vanilla." He delivers the tiny bottle of vanilla extract to Tobi, just in time for it to be added to their bowl.

"Add that in for me, please, Vik? Just a teaspoon."

With the vanilla carefully being added into what is shaping up to be an actual cake mixture, the camera (a different one with a different cameraman) moves away and onto another couple.

~•~

Unlike what the viewers can observe of Tobi and Vik, as well as catch a glimpse of from Ethan and JJ in the row behind, Simon and Harry haven't immediately started weighing out, or even gathering, their ingredients.

Instead, the two of them are standing next to each other, leaning over a white piece of paper. Simon has a pencil in his hand. There's nothing much on the paper already, so the two of them must have spent the first couple minutes hunting down the paper and pencil.

"Okay, are we gonna do one tier or two?" Simon asks Harry, his tone of voice soft but serious. Pointed. The two of them appear to be very in the zone, currently.

Harry hesitates, stuttering out, "See, I-I-I believe we can do t-two - I think we're m-more than capable... but," he glances around the room covertly, so as not to let the action get noticed by the others.

Almost routinely, Simon picks up from where Harry left off, continuing what was surely the point Harry is trying to make. "But we can't account for sabotage with this lot. Yeah, I get that. I think we could easily do two tiers, but we don't want to overshoot ourselves in this environment - Okay, so..."

Simon jots something down near the corner of one side of the page, before he flips it and sketches a quick, rough shape.

"Just to check, we're doing a filling, right? So we'll have two sponges with something in the middle." Simon looks up at his boyfriend, waiting for the other to nod before drawing two horizontal lines all the way across the middle of the large shape.

Harry rubs at his chin with one hand, humming thoughtfully. "What filling are we gonna do, though? 'Cause I was thinking just a simple j-jam and cream, but I guess it depends on what flavour we do the cake."

Instead of deliberating over the matter any longer, Simon merely grabs Harry's hand and guides him towards the additions corner, saying, "Let's just go and have a look, first."

~•~

"What the fuck are they doing, bro? What's the paper for?" JJ has no qualms with verbalising his perplexity at Simon and Harry's method choice.

Ethan, hard at work mixing together some sugar, butter, and eggs - by way of mixer, not by hand - looks up briefly, keeping his hand placed firmly on the side of the humming machine. "I assume it's for a plan. I'm guessing they're just drawing everything out and getting all ideas noted before they start. It's a good idea, actually, to be fair to them," Ethan admits nonchalantly.

"Huh, well," JJ eyes the paper suspiciously, lying as it is on the abandoned counter top. Many of the viewers predict him to be scheming for something inside his head.

~•~

"What about butterscotch?" Harry asks, suggests, immediately followed by a considerate nod from Simon stood next to him.

"I was genuinely just about to suggest caramel so we could do butterscotch. They're not too different, really."

Harry, with his eyebrows furrowed, looks sideways at his boyfriend. "Can we not do both? Or would that be too sweet, do you think?" Harry says almost all that perfectly clear, except for the last part that lingers on a slurred mumble - d'y'think, is how the man pronounces it.

Simon doesn't respond straight away, though Harry doesn't appear in any way bothered by that fact.

"If anyone could pull it off, we could." Simon finally settles on as a reply, "We just have to be smart about it! Not too much of either of them, I think."

Just as the two of them are turning to leave the corner, one tiny bottle held delicately in each of Simon's hands, Harry gasps loudly.

"Oh my god! Wh-what if we put this on top of the cake instead of caramel flavouring in the m-middle? That way it wouldn't overwh-whelm the senses too much, right?"

Simon, with his head tilted to one side thoughtfully, listens to the proposed idea, likely going over it in his head to better understand whether or not it holds any actual weight to it at all.

"Y'know what, that's not a bad shout, Haz," Simon, after putting back the bottle that surely says 'Caramel' on it, points with one finger towards his boyfriend for emphasis, or something like that.

Just before they head back to their workspace, Harry grabs the bottle of caramel sauce he had previously been talking about. The couple walks back in giddy silence.

~•~

Now, the camera finally deems it time to return back to 'Vobi', as nicknamed by some of the fans. Some very dedicated fans, to put it lightly.

Tobi is just putting their third cake tin into the oven, sliding it onto the top shelf alongside the other two tins of mixture, when the two men appear on screen. All three cake tins in the oven are of the same size.

"Now that those are in the oven, let's get started on the frosting and stuff so we'll be all ready to decorate by the time the cakes have cooled."

As Tobi speaks, Vik bustles around clearing their work surface, walking over to the very back of the room where a vast sink is located. It's a different camera that catches him washing up his gathered items.

When Vik returns, all of the equipment they used is suitably washed and put away if necessary. Together, the two of them start whipping up a batch of frosting, the dish to scales the first of the freshly washed equipment to be reused.

"Nom nom." Vik exaggerates towards the camera, his lips smacking together lightly after he swallows, waving the teaspoon in his hand (that had previously held a spoonful of buttercream) excitedly. "That's nice. Oh, yeah. We're gonna win, for sure!".

Both before and after he tries some of the buttercream himself, Tobi stares over at Vik lovingly, his glistening eyes alight with fondness and the corners of his lips tilted upwards.

"Oh, def!" Tobi agrees after trying the icing. "That's beautiful."

~•~

"What are you two doing?" Comes from behind the camera, Kon's voice underlined with suspicion as his camera zeroes in on JJ and Ethan - 'Behzksi', if you wish to call them that.

"Sabotage." Is all Ethan offers the cameraman, looking smug with a smirk on his face. Five seconds later, he adds, gesturing towards the floor, "These boys are going down."

JJ nods in agreement, enthusiastically confident.

All around the world, eyes squint in response. KSI should not visibly appear such a way; that glint in his eyes should never be there. On no such man (as KSI). Ever.

Slowly, the camera spins a whole 180°, stopping only when Simon and Harry's work surface comes into view. Unfortunately for the two boys, their workspace is currently abandoned.

Mere minutes earlier in the video, Simon and Harry finish their plan: sketch, ingredients list and recipe all included. Once they were done with that, they leave to move around the room in order to gather all the different things they will need. They currently stand somewhere else in the room, out of shot. The camera doesn't even graze over them as it pans over part of the room when it turns.

"Fucking try-hards," Ethan is mumbling to himself gruffly. With the camera now back on the two of them, it takes but a second of eye contact between him and his boyfriend before what must be a pre-discussed plan is set into motion. Both men move forward towards the counter in front of them, diagonal to their own but directly besides Tobi and Vik's.

"Come on!" Ethan groans, faux disgust dripping from the words. Presumably, it's only an act, but there are many fans who believe the reaction holds true weight - however big or small that weight may be.

"Fuck." JJ laughs, "They really went all out, huh? Got a recipe and all. As if they came up with their own recipe." The man sounds astonished, though a tad judgmental too, to put it simply, "Like, bro, Google exists for a reason!" As he talks, JJ pulls a face and makes a gesture with his hands, clearly portraying his opinion. How dumb of them, goes completely unsaid, but the general message is clear as day to a high percentage of the viewers.

For a second, the couple only look the piece of paper over, observing yet also criticising the sketch of the to-be-made cake, reading over the recipe also.

However, that quickly changes almost as soon as Harry's questioning voice filters in through speakers, the man himself somewhere off camera, asking, "What are you doing?" His voice holds a precious tremble to it, the man clearly worried for the safety of his and Simon's hard work.

"Nothing, Bog," from Ethan rings out at the same time as, "Oops," does from JJ. Rip.

A loud, unrepressed noise comes from Harry at the sound of his plan being teared in half. The sound itself is somewhere between a choked gasp and an exclamation. Either way, the surprise and unadulterated hurt wrenches hearts all over the globe.

"Oops." Another rip. The camera glances at Harry, looking heartbroken with two blocks of butter in one hand and a pack of light brown sugar in the other. "Oh, dear." Rip. "What am I doing?" Rip.

As JJ repeatedly rips Harry's plan - and it seems, his dreams as well - into nothingness, Ethan cackles madly at his side, drawing as much amusement from the situation as JJ's, currently, monotonous self does.

Harry doesn't even ask the older man to stop, surrendering himself as he is to the undignified sabotage. The, frankly, callous destruction.

(Some viewers, the peer-proclaimed 'snowflakes' of the fanbase, are quick to rush to the comment section at this very instance. To what looks like the majority, calling them that doesn't seem all too appropriate in this instance, because Harry genuinely seems upset. Others, on the other hand, are still perfectly comfortable with debunking both the defense of Harry and the written assaults aimed at JJ and Ethan. One or two comments, as you scroll, somehow shift the blame onto Simon, somehow. At least one of them have the audacity to bring his relationship into things, despite the fact that Harry surely wouldn't appreciate them debasing his partner in such a way if he were aware.)

Rip. The once unwrinkled paper exists now as nothing more than pathetic shreds of white, pencil-grey scattered across them. Seconds later, they're nothing but rice-grain-sized handfuls of confetti that hurtle towards the wooden flooring.

Again, the camera pans to Harry, though this time Simon is located close to him, looking perplexed. He glances from Harry to his two (deviant) friends. "What did you two do?"

His eyes narrow, and the tall man searches without moving from his spot. It's likely he inspects Ethan and JJ, giving the counter a once-over or two.

Suddenly, his eyes light up with realisation, simultaneously as cold as they are nervous.

"Where's our plan?" To which Ethan gifts with a nonchalant, almost unfeeling, "What plan?" In response.

Simon, as straight faced as he is, exudes an element of anger, his eyebrows slipping downwards almost unnoticeably. "Our plan. The piece of paper that was literally right there," he points to the counter, "a second ago. You know, the piece of paper that me and Harry have literally been working on for the past, what, twenty-five minutes? Half an hour? More than that? You know what fucking plan I'm on about, Ethan."

Silently, as Simon talks, Harry walks forward to place both the butter and the sugar on top of the counter. The camera, and consequently, the viewers, watch him blink slowly, moving with a significant lack of passion. It's silent in the room as everyone watches him work, weighing out the sugar, as if expecting the man to explode. Either metaphorically or literally.

For now, no such reaction comes, instead, he asks Simon, "H-how much b-butter was i-it?"

His words are barely above a whisper, though they echo out in the reticence of the room. He sounds defeated. Looks it, too.

~•~

"So," Josh begins as he struts over to Vik and Tobi, a cameraman keeping pace as he follows just steps behind him, "What are we doing over here, then?"

Vik looks up from where both he and Tobi are watching him scroll through his phone, leant together as they are with their shoulders pressed against each other. "We're looking at the most unrealistic cake designs. This one's pretty cool, look," he turns his phone so the screen is pointed towards Josh, open on Google images, "it's Jennifer Anniston but she's Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas. And she's a cake!"

(Immediately, some fans pause the video to type that exact sentence into their internet search bar. A few stragglers wait, doing so only after they watch the video all the way to the end.)

"You two are so odd." Josh slowly backs away, shaking his head, not looking behind himself as he retreats, "Continue as you were! I was never even here."

~•~

"Oi, you two, this video's going on YouTube, not Pornhub. Keep it PG." Tobi's shout is audible before the man himself is visible on the screen.

Unsurprisingly, it's Ethan and JJ the man is shouting to (at?) from across the room. The couple have always been a bit more lewd than their platonic counterparts.

That isn't to say the other two couples don't make their own lascivious comments from time to time, it's just that Behzksi are much more frequent with the flirting that borders on dirty talk rather than the much more appropriate delicate musings that their audience laps up. Neither of the other couples tend to find themselves in any of the salacious positions that Ethan and JJ do.

(That doesn't stop some fans imagining the other four doing as much. Hearing about that never fails to make any of them uncomfortable.)

"Bro, where even is your cake?" Tobi asks of them, wandering closer to the recently separated pair, eyeing them distrustfully as he examines their work surface.

As Tobi is talking with his two friends, his voice never losing that chiding edge to it, Harry appears in the background with a tall glass of orange juice. He sips at it a little bit, looking curious as he shuffles closer to the older three.

Neither Ethan nor JJ notice Harry in the corner, slowly tipping a good two thirds of the orange juice into the mixer known to house their buttercream. Tobi, on the other hand, notably clocks Harry the moment he steps into frame. Perhaps he even knew of Harry's plan before then. It isn't clear, but some assume it.

It takes Harry leaning across JJ to tip the remaining third of the orange juice over both of their cooling cake sponges for the older men to realise that he's there and what he's just done.

"Ayyoo, man! What the fuck?" Instantly, JJ's expression morphs from the kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar to the exasperated mother seconds away from blowing up. His features even twitch the same way.

Quickly, Harry darts away, likely understanding that it's in his best interest at this point not to stick around for too long.

Ethan makes a noise, a growl if anything, his clenched fist coming down, hard, upon the worktop. "Dickhead, fuck!"

Easily, Tobi slinks away from the irritated - angered, realistically - pair. He rejoins his own boyfriend, inserting himself into the procedure of assembling and decorating their cake as if he never even left. The loveable ease that sits in the air around him and Vik doesn't leave, even as the video cuts, moving away from them.

~•~

It's Simon and Harry, 'Minishaw', that show up on screen next. (In the background, diagonally behind them, Ethan and JJ can be seen fretting incessantly.)

"What if we marbled it? Do two different colours on the inside?"

Simon nods in answer to Harry's suggestion, carefully measuring a single tablespoon of bourbon before letting the alcohol spill into the large bowl of their second mixer. As Harry continues, Simon diligently caps the bottle of alcohol and places it down to the side, throwing a mimicked thank you to someone off camera. Probably whichever crew member took a trip to the shops to buy the bourbon for them.

"What colours are you thinking?"

Shyly, Harry drops his head, focusing on the bowl in front of him filled with their cake mixture. He twists the bowl slightly, merely fidgeting, before looking back up, towards Simon.

"Red and blue, maybe? Our favourites. We can pretend we're patriotic or whatever." He pumps a pathetic fist halfway up into the air, quietly cheering, "Woo, go Britain!"

Laughing, Simon nods, indicating for Harry to go and get those colours whilst he continues to work on the buttercream that will both act as a filling and be used on the outside of the cake.

"Simon, dear boy! How are you feeling about this competition?" Josh asks of his friend, randomly popping up out of nowhere once Harry leaves.

Simon chuckles to himself, saying, "I'm gonna pretend that you haven't just been sitting on the floor for five minutes waiting to do that," then, "But to be honest with you, Joshua, I'm feeling quite confident. We had a little set back but we've overcome it well enough, I feel."

Josh nods somberly, glancing down at his feet - the spot where the pieces of paper fell earlier in the video; they might still be there based on his reaction - before talking.

"Yeah, I saw that. Disgraceful behavior from Ethan and JJ, I must say. I'm glad you and Harry are back on track." Josh looks around, leaning in to whisper in Simon's ear once he confirms that the other teams are too busy to notice what he's doing, "I'm rooting for you two, by the way. Don't disappoint me!"

Before Josh can walk away, Simon says, "I think Behzksi should be disqualified, personally. They should at least face a penalty."

Josh looks thoughtful as he walks away, every step he takes a steep lunge as he heads to the back of the room.

"I've got the colours!"

As Harry says that, JJ runs from his own counter straight to theirs. He moves too quick for either Harry or Simon to react fast enough, grabbing the bowl and mockingly shouting, "I've got the mixture!" As he does that, he tips the bowl, Harry and Simon watching in horror, eyes wide, as he tips out over half of their cake mixture onto the floor.

Ethan's clapping can be heard from the back of the room, a cheeky grin etched deep into his features, his eyes alight with amusement. "Yes, JJ! You get 'em, love." He cheers, as if he wasn't the one to come up with the initial, hypothetical idea at the start of the video.

"Aw, come on!" Comes Vik's voice from off screen. He sounds sympathetic, yet at the same time there is a tinge of disapproval if you're observant enough to look for it. "Give those boys a break, will you?"

After dropping the half empty bowl on the table, JJ cackles, dusting his hands off before walking away, not saying a word.

Throwing the two tiny bottles of food colouring down on the countertop, Harry grabs the bottle of bourbon from beside the mixer of flavoured buttercream. He unscrews the cap before bringing it to his lips, dipping his head back as he gulps down about four mouthfuls - grimacing as he does so - before Simon takes the bottle from him. A drip of the alcohol slides from his lips to his chin in slow increments before Simon also wipes that away with his thumb.

"No. No, Harry. Don't do that." Simon himself takes a large gulp of the alcohol before bringing Harry into a one-armed hug, both of Harry's arms coming up to wrap around the taller man's slim waist. After the gulp of alcohol, Simon's other arm also wraps itself around Harry, still holding the glass bottle.

~•~

"GO AWAY!" Ethan shouts at Simon as soon as he sees the other man approaching their work surface, shielding their freshly baked second attempt from the older man.

Simon falters in his step, his hands held up in the universal gesture of surrender, of I mean no harm, I'm peaceful, though he's preaching to a brick wall with how welcoming JJ and Ethan are in return.

"Is that... is that a... a penis?" He asks, his voice incredulous as he peers around Ethan in front of him.

"Yes, it is." JJ replies, at the same time Ethan huffs, "What, you never seen a penis before, Minter?"

"No, I've seen plenty, just - you guys made a penis cake?"

"Yeah. What of it?"

With that, Simon is shooed away by a threatening Ethan who has no qualms in cursing the other man out as he pushes him back to his own counter.

When he finally reaches it, Simon is greeted by Harry, the shorter man's arms crossed over his chest with one eyebrow raised. However, the corner of his lips twitch as if trying to fight off a smile. It offsets the look he's clearly going for, and Simon doesn't seem to be uneased by the demeanor."

"You've seen plenty, huh? Thought i was the first guy you ever got with."

Before the camera cuts again, Simon mutters, as if he doesn't want his mic to pick it up, "Don't say that... now the comments are going to paint me as a cheater." He is quickly soothed by Harry's kiss, however.

To the camera, after, Harry says, "It's just a joke, guys. There's no point in overreacting."

~•~

"What a beauty!" Vik announces as he pulls away from the now finished cake, gazing at it with pride.

"Not now, Vik." Tobi says, smirking, "I know I'm gorgeous but, please, focus on the cake."

Despite having not been talking about Tobi, and it being obvious that the other man is joking, Vik smiles brightly, wrapping himself around Tobi from behind. "But I can't help it! You're too pretty! Pretty boy Tobi."

Tobi hums, his own smile matching Vik's as he leans back against his boyfriend. "Hmm. Your pretty boy."

Tobi leans down to place a kiss to the back of Vik's hand at the same time that Vik places a kiss on Tobi's cheek. It's uncoordinated, but an outsider of the Sidemen fanbase wouldn't necessarily realise that.

"Yeah. My pretty boy."

~•~

"What am I looking at right now?" Josh asks, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he looks down at Ethan and JJ's work surface. At their 'cake'.

"Ethan's cock." JJ says seriously, not an ounce of humour veiled behind it. Ethan nods enthusiastically from next to his boyfriend, grinning.

"Right." Josh pauses, blinking down at the cake - at the 'cock'. "And is there a reason why you've made Ethan's cock into a cake?"

"Because he fucking loves it. Loves eating my cock." Ethan is clearly having way too much fun with this. "And, this way, other people get a chance to eat it too."

"I'm not eating that."

Ethan's grin takes on an evil note to it. "Why not, Zerkaa?" He gasps forcefully, exaggeratedly, "You're not - not homophobic are you, Zerkaa? That's a bit of a deal breaker, I can't lie."

Josh goes to respond, but he doesn't, in the end. His open mouth closes and he turns to leave, once again shaking his head back and forth.

"You will eat my cock, Zerkaa!" Ethan shouts after his retreating form.

~•~

Harry sighs. "That'll have to do," he says, leaning against Simon, his head resting against the other's shoulder. Their hands are clasped together between them, their fingers intertwined.

Earlier in the video, when the couple's plan had still existed, it had been shown to the camera so the viewers could see it too.

What they have actually made looks a good bit different to how they planned it to be.

Where as previously, according to the plan, the cake would have been about 16 to 20 centimeters tall when fully assembled, with 2 to 3 layers, it now stands at barely six centimeters. About a third of a small ruler, just over. (Beside the small cake sits the bowl of buttercream, most of it still unused.)

(The two men lost half the mixture too late in the video to restart, some thought. Others simply thought Harry and Simon couldn't be bothered to put in the extra effort knowing there would likely be more sabotage to come.)

Not only is the cake about a third/a quarter of the planned size, but the caramel sauce also came out too thin. It was straight from the bottle, perfectly in date, and yet it spilled out onto their cake with the consistency of water. Which, of course, isn't right.

"Man, fuck Ethan and JJ." Simon says after a moments silence, much to Harry's agreement.

~•~

"Aaaanndd," Josh elongates the singular word, creating build up for the eventual, "Time's up, boys! Stop whatever it is you're doing - especially you two, we don't need an age restriction on this video - and step away from your bakes."

To the camera, Josh says, "I feel like I'm hosting bake off," with a laugh.

"Nah." Simon smirks from his spot beside Harry, their shoulders touching but the two men otherwise sparated. "Noel Fielding is way better than you."

Harry nods. "He's got you there. Noel's hotter too, you ugly bastard." Harry's words are harsh but they make Simon, and the others, laugh. His innocent smile afterwards almost makes up for the comment. Even Josh laughs, whether because he actually finds it funny or just due to the shock of the younger man's words.

"I love you really, Josh." Harry continues with his innocent smile, his eyes twinkling as he blows Josh a kiss, one arm straight but the other bent to hold the elbow of his straight arm.

"Stop sucking up to the judge, you hoe!" Ethan shouts from across the room, though his voice holds it's usual fondness for Harry, giving the remark less of a leg to stand on.

(Not everyone understands he's not calling Harry a hoe in a malicious way.)

"Shut up and bring your cakes to the front, losers."

Without another word, the three couples obey.

The wordless journey to the front is soon broken when Ethan tries to trip Harry, who tumbles forward with his and Simon's cake in his hands.

Fortunately, Tobi catches it for him. It's a miracle the cake survives, avoiding a fall to the floor.

The last thing shown is Simon thanking Tobi excessively as Harry smacks Ethan upside the head.

~•~

On a table, side by side, are the cakes made in the video. Not all of them, of course, as Ethan and JJ's first batch was discarded with a series of annoyed huffs earlier. Behind the table stands Josh, one hand holding the other at waist-level.

In a line near the table, the other Sidemen members stand, each standing next to their partner. The standing order is Simon, Harry, Tobi, Vik, Ethan, and lastly JJ. It seems a good idea that Vobi stand themselves in between Minishaw and Behzksi, considering everything that happened during the video.

Harry and Tobi, standing hand-in-hand, lean against their respective boyfriends, softly urging Josh on to be quicker. They want to get to the judging already, though most probably for quite different reasons.

In Simon's hand - instead of Harry's hand - is the bottle of bourbon, here for a repeat visit. He takes a swig before offering the bottle to Harry.

Who Tobi then takes it off of. "No, boys. No more drinking. You've had enough."

"Fine." Harry huffs. Certain viewers foresee a temper tantrum in the video's future. The video only has nine minutes left, though, so if it is going to happen it better happen soon. "Bourbon's shit anyway. Tastes like piss."

"Just like Ethan and JJ's cake will." Simon jokes, his eyes serious but his lips tilting up in a smile. He makes Harry giggle, who hiccups. He's not drunk, but he could easily be a bit more than tipsy. After all, he and Simon have less than a quarter of the wide bottle left by now. (Some of it was spilt on the floor, as well.)

"Right." Josh interrupts. "The first couple on the list, team Vobi! Vik and Tobi, how do you think you did?"

It's Vik that answers the question aimed at the both of them, "I think we did well. We've presented a strong cake: it's pretty; we followed the recipe to a T; we received no sabotage today, luckily enough; and we have piping. All in all I think we have a good chance of winning, truthfully... There's even a special surprise for you on the inside!"

Josh nods, listening politely. "Okay, good to know. Let's first talk about the decorations you've got going on," Josh gestures to the cake, his finger hovering over it and following a line of thinly piped icing. "I like the swirls you've got going on - they really add to it."

"Look at him acting like he's a professional," Ethan snarks. "Fuck off, Josh. You're not Paul Hollywood. Get a grip, mate."

Josh puts the knife he picks up back down for a second. He rests his hands on the table, laughing with his head down. Once he's calmer, he picks the knife back up and cuts a slice of the cake. He grabs a plate from the stack on the table and places the slice onto the small plate.

"That looks good, you know. There's not too much buttercream and it looks appetising. There's a generous three sponges." Using a fork, also from on the table, Josh tries a bite of the cake. He nods along with his words as he talks, and when he's done, he tries another bite of the cake. "You know what, Vik, I think you might be right. You've made a classic vanilla sponge, yet I think you could easily win this. I especially appreciate the smiley face on the inside. You've made my day so much better."

Simon scoffs, "So much for rooting for me and Harry to win."

JJ does a double take, offended, "Wait, did he actually tell you that?" At Simon's nod, his jaw drops. "What the fuck, Josh?"

Josh merely holds his arm out towards the younger man, his palm facing him. "Silence, peasant. I'm eating."

Josh, after a third and final bite of Vik and Tobi's cake, sidesteps towards the second cake: Ethan and JJ's. He sighs.

"Well, this is a mess. Did you guys even use a recipe?" Silence. "I'll take that as a no, then."

"Careful, Josh, you might get food poisoning. I don't want you to die." Harry says, his voice hushed. He doesn't look over at Ethan and JJ, not even when they kick up a fuss over his words.

"Oi, you two, shut up. You made a fucking penis cake. You don't get to argue back." Simon says, his arm now wrapped around Harry's shoulders. "Shut your mouths."

"I'm merely trying to establish whether or not Josh is homophobic." Ethan shrugs in that way he does, pulling a face and moving his hands around. "It's in my best interest to be around people who support me for who I am."

Tobi frowns, snorting, "He's literally in a group with six queer men by choice. He's obviously not homophobic, you dickhead." Which Ethan knows, of course.

"...I'm not even going to comment on the exterior of the cake." Josh says, successfully bringing all homophobia talk to a halt. Instead of talking about the cake's decoration, he simply cuts himself a slice, placing the cut slice onto a fresh plate.

As Josh lifts the fork, a chunk of cake stabbed on the end, to his mouth, Ethan cheers from his spot in the line, shouting, "Yeah, that's right, Josh. Eat my cock! Eat it."

Vik laughs, muttering to Tobi, "He's so crude." Then, since his face is already turned towards his boyfriend, Vik takes the chance to kiss the older man's jaw before facing forward again as if he didn't do anything at all. Both men smile.

Josh can't even complete a full chew before he's spitting the cake into the bin behind him, his back turned to the camera.

Whilst Josh is gagging into the bin, people worrying he's about to throw up, Simon chuckles. "Look at the straight man throw up from eating dick."

Simon continues laughing, clearly finding the situation funny. The others laugh too; Tobi even leans across Harry to fist bump Simon, saying, "The dick too much for you, Josh?"

"Stick to pussy." Simon adds nonchalantly.

JJ opens his mouth to say something, but he comes to a halt, his jaw snapping shut, when he makes eye contact with Vik. One of Vik's eyebrows twitch upwards slightly, his head shaking minutely. In warning?

JJ doesn't say anything, and the two look back towards Josh as if the exchange between them doesn't occur.

"What," Josh clears his throat, his hand on his neck a closed fist, pressing gently, "the fuck did you guys put in that? I've actually never tasted anything like it. Dick jokes aside, that was awful."

"We were rushed!" JJ defends. "Our first batch was ruined and we didn't have time to remeasure and stuff. We barely had enough time to decorate after it was out of the oven."

"How the fuck did you burn the cake if you didn't have enough time? That makes no sense!"

The other boys laugh, mocking the couple. Harry looks especially chipper all of a sudden, grinning widely as he leans against Simon. Next to him, Simon looks nothing but smug.

"That's what you get!" Simon yells, at the same time as Harry giggles out, "Karma's a bitch, boys."

The couple are quickly dismissed by an irritated JJ and a clearly pissed off Ethan. All previous humour has completely drained from their stoical bodies.

"Try their fucking cake, Josh, I dare ya."

Josh, suspicious, once again sidesteps. He stops in front of the final cake, smiling down at it briefly before looking over at Simon and Harry.

"You two have had a few issues, I understand. It doesn't look too bad, to be fair - it's just a bit untidy." Josh comforts, his tone rightfully gentle. As he speaks the first sentence, Simon mutters something, but not everyone hears that he mumbles, "Understatement."

Again, Josh cuts himself a slice and places it on a new plate. "It's blue inside. Nice."

It is then that Ethan and JJ become questionably pompous, at the same time anticipatory. For what, is unclear.

And then Josh spits the cake into the bin, to the sound of Harry's confused outrage.

"What the fuck, Josh?" Simon's mouth is wide open in shock.

"Why does your cake taste like vinegar?"

When Ethan and JJ start cackling to each other uncontrollably, Harry rounds on them angrily.

"Did you put vinegar in the caramel sauce? What the fuck? You dickheads!"

At least people are getting the toddler tantrum that they wished for, with the added bonus of a truly unfiltered, fractious Harry. Simon doesn't appear in any way inclined to stop him, either.

Harry continues ranting, much to the uncaring amusement of his two friends. Josh, meanwhile, gags, clears his throat, smack his lips together, then gratefully accept a water bottle someone off camera offers him. He chugs down almost half of it in one go.

"Right." Josh swallows, his eyebrows pinching together and his nose scrunching. He drinks another mouthful of water before he chooses to continue. "So... there's literally only one couple that is eligible for first place. Neither of the other two cakes can genuinely qualify as second or third place, either, I'm afraid."

Josh smiles a small smile over at Simon, who looks nothing less than defeated, though he also looks like he's trying to hide that fact. "I'm sorry to you two. I'm sure it would have been great if it wasn't for Ethan and JJ. But all I can taste is vinegar. The taste is still in my mouth."

Simon nods in earnest, melancholic agreement. "I understand; I don't blame you. If I ate a cake that tasted like vinegar I wouldn't rate it high, either."

Harry, finally finished ranting, retakes his place tucked up beside Simon, tugging Tobi ever closer to himself. Which results in Vik also tumbling sideways a step or two, since he now holds Tobi's other hand. Ever since it became apparent that they would win.

"Well done, Vobi! You did a great job." Josh grins at his friends, clapping loudly, "Round of applause for Vik and Tobi!"

Despite everything, each of the other boys still clap for the winner.

Vik and Tobi are clearly happy with the win, proud of the cake and the hard work they put into it, but the circumstances surrounding their win aren't exactly the finest.

"Nah, this win don't feel right." Tobi announces, to which Vik adds, "I get what you mean. Like, I'm happy we won but it seems a bit unfair. Ethan and JJ's sabotage tipped the scales in our favour a bit too much."

"Vik, politely shut the fuck up." Harry demands. "Take the win. Your cake was g-good, and you both tried really hard. The piping is beautiful and you're clearly both proud of your w-work. Just take it, man."

Simon nods, genuinely, "My favourite part is the smiley face on the inside. It's a nice touch. And it's even cooler when you're the winners."

Tobi peers around Harry to look at Simon. "You think so? That was Vik's idea." He tells the older man proudly, which makes Vik's cheeks tint a shade of pink.

When the screen eventually fades to the outro, it's to all of the boys rushing forward to try some of the winning cake, respectfully making room for Vik and Tobi to try it first.