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Glimmer (loudly): “Testing! Can you hear me?”
Catra: “Everyone in the fucking castle can hear you, Sparkles.”
Glimmer: “Perfect.”
Bow: “Okay, I think we’re good.”
Glimmer (slurring): “We are recording this for ‘prosterity’.”
Adora (further from mic): “Success!”
Catra: “Alert the historians.The savior of the universe managed to pee by herself. ”
Adora (closer to mic now): “It was surprisingly difficult this time. My belt is so weird! Has anyone else ever noticed how weird my belt is?!"
Everyone (Glimmer loudest): “Yes!”
Adora: “Anyway, where should we start?”
Bow (serious voice): “One thousand years ago, Etheria lived under the stars-”
Everyone (Glimmer loudest): “Boooooo!”
Bow: “What?!”
Catra: “That part’s boring, Arrowboy. If we wanted the boring stuff, we’d just read whatever your dads are writing.”
Adora: “Yeah, skip to the action!”
Bow: “Adora, you enjoy the history part as much as I do.”
Adora (clearly lying): “Sure. But, um, Catra’s getting tired and needs to go to bed soon so…”
Catra: “What?! I’m perfectly awake, princess.”
Adora (hinting): “Catraaaa…”
(Pause.)
Catra: “Oh! Oh.”
Catra (suggestively): “Hmm. Yeah, bed sounds like a great idea.”
Glimmer: “Fine! Bow, skip ahead so these two can go fuck and we don’t have to watch them aggressively flirt with each other. AGAIN.”
Bow: “Okay! Who wants to start?”
Adora: “Once upon a time…”
Catra: “It’s not a bedtime story, dummy.”
Glimmer (shouting): “Picture this!”
Glimmer (attempting a serious voice): “A conqueror banished from his army – a fallen general with no army – lands on a foreign planet. It’s a beautiful vibrant place, full of magic-”
Adora (interrupting): “Yeah! Etheria is so weird. I got attacked by one of those three-eyed deer once. Catra, tell that story.”
Glimmer: “And ruled by a generous, wonderful, always nice, smell really good-”
Bow (interrupting): “Where’s this sentence going?”
Glimmer (finishing): “-Very powerful group of princesses.”
Adora: “Includinging She-Ra. Should I try to transform into She-Ra for the story? D’ya think people will notice the difference in my voice?”
Glimmer: “No! Stop interrupting. Also, She-Ra wasn’t there yet.”
Adora: “She had a dragon. That’s, ya know, cool for her. I mean, I have a horse so that’s cool too, right? Maybe even probably better.”
Glimmer: “Okay, now you’re getting me all disemcombobulated-ted. This was when the first Princess Alliance formed.”
Catra: “Name all of them. Don’t spare any details.”
Glimmer: “We don’t have enough time for that.”
Catra: “And you’re too drunk to remember them.”
Bow: “Both things can be true. So there was the first Princess Alliance and then…”
Adora (shouting): “Mighty battles! Fractures in the Alliance! The beloved King shipped off to Beast Island to fight for his life!”
(Pause)
Adora: “Side note: That place is terrifying. Catra, we should go and see what it looks like now that the magic of Etheria is all (explosion sound)…unleathed.”
Catra: “No fucking chance, princess.”
Glimmer: “Hardened by the loss of my father, I trained tirelessly and rose through the ranks to become commander of Bright Moon’s army.”
Catra: “Nepotism.”
Adora (in one long breath): “Meanwhile, I was planning to become the best force captain that the Horde had ever seen. But then there was a stolen skiff and Catra’s like the worst driver and that fucking tree! And a sword whispered to me while I was asleep.”
(Pause)
Adora: “Wait. Do you think that’s why they call it the Whimpering Woods?”
Catra (laughing): “You mean Whispering Woods?”
Adora: “Thas what I said!”
Catra: “Anyway. Why don’t you skip ahead to the important parts?”
Adora: “Oh right.”
Adora (whispering badly): “Catra doesn’t like to talk about this part. The part where I left.”
Catra: “I’m perfectly fine talking about it. I just don’t know that we need it on record. And it makes you all emotional. The last thing we need is 'The Mighty She-Ra crying all over the microphone.”
Glimmer: “Future Bow, you can edit all that out.”
Adora: “Fine. I found a sword that made me into an ancient warrior who hadn’t been seen in, like, a million years.”
Bow: “A thousand years, but close.”
Adora: “I got attacked by Bow and Glimmer and they took me captive to make me join the rebellion.”
Glimmer: “You volunteered!”
Adora: “We rebuilt the Princess Alliance to fight back against the Horde that had been conquering Etheria under Hordak since before I was even born. Oh, did I mention I’m from another planet? ‘Cause I am. But Hordak wasn’t very good at his job, I think, ‘cause the Horde didn’t actually even stand a chance of winning until Catra got promoted. Catra was all ‘I’m in love with Adora but I have to deny it by beating the planet into submission.’”
Catra: “Shut up! It’s not like you were good at dealing with your emotions either.”
Adora: “Etheria was safe in Despondos, like a marble hidden in your pocket. But Light Hope tricked Glimmer into thinking she could stop the Horde by connecting all the princesses to their runestones and activating the Heart of Etheria.”
Catra: “How many times did the world almost end because you three idiots kept listening to creepy holograms?”
Adora: “Well, I got rid of Light Hope when I broke the sword so I saved the planet…for about two seconds until Horde Prime was able to find us and kidnap Catra and Glimmer.”
Glimmer: “Kidnap me. Catra was just hiding behind a rock and accidentially got zapped up.”
Catra (sarcastically): “Oh, what a fun roadtrip. Trapped on a spaceship with a planet-destroying freak who thought he was a god and constantly trying to convince him that I was useful enough to be kept alive.”
Glimmer: “At least you got to roam free.”
Catra: “With 3,000 clone babysitters following my every movement.”
Glimmer: “Can we move on from that part? I need you guys to spend, like, the next hour explaining why and how you dressed my dad up as She-Ra so you could escape Etheria!”
Adora: “I mean, magic? That’s pretty much the whole story.”
Glimmer: “And there aren’t any pictures or anything? I’ve asked a million times and he refuses to do that trick again.”
Catra: “How selfish of him.”
Bow: “Anyway. Catra, do you want to explain how you saved Glimmer?”
Catra: “Literally never. Let’s move along and talk about how you and Adora, who couldn’t even fly a skiff, decided you could take an ancient ship into space.”
Adora: “Catra, pleeeeaaassse tell the story of how you saved Glimmer? You were so brave. And you did it just for me.”
Catra: “Nope, I’m not participating in this shitshow.”
Adora: “Fine. Then we’ll skip to how I got you back.”
Catra: “You mean when you did the dumbest thing ever by turning Darla around after I explicitly told you not to?”
Adora: “Yeah, that!”
Glimmer: “That was bonkers, Adora! Listeners, Adora went into a creepy giant spaceship to fucking fight an ageless galaxy conquerer. Instead, she ended up having to fight Catra while she was brainwashed and then Adora jumped off a cliff! Like, literally!”
Adora (slightly louder): “Listeners, it wasn’t a cliff. It was the ship’s bridge!…I think? I never really figured that place out.”
Glimmer: “Oh my god, there was water?!?!”
Adora: “Not that type of bridge! Besides, that’s how I got She-Ra back, even though your plan for sneaking back onto Prime’s ship was terrible, Glimmer.”
Glimmer: "No it wasn’t!!"
Bow: “It was a solid plan. And it worked. Everyone came back in one piece…even if someone took a giant risk by throwing herself off of a cliff without thinking.”
Adora: (whines) “But Catra-! And she would do the same for me!”
Catra: “Debatable.”
Adora: “You jumped into fire for me!”
Glimmer: “It was fake fire, by the way.”
Adora: “It was sooooo romantic, Catra.”
Catra (embarrassed): “Shut up.”
Adora: “Make me shut up.”
Bow: “Guys. Please focus.”
Adora: “Just. Give me. a second. to kiss Catra…because that’ll make it easier to record this bit.”
Glimmer: “Fuck this. I’m gonna need another drink to deal with this.”
Bow: “Maybe more water and less moonshine?”
Adora: “There’s more moonshine?”
Catra: “Hey, maybe warn the person sitting in your lap before you stand up! Also, nope. Not for you. You’ve had plenty.”
Adora: “Pleeeeease? I’ll share with you.”
Catra: “I’m just here to keep an eye on you three fools.”
Bow: “Three?! I’m sober too!” (pause) “Well…more sober than them!”
Adora: “Noooo, Glimmer’s hogging it all. Catra, please!”
Catra: “I thought you wanted to go to bed soon.”
Adora: “Yeah! But I can sober up whenever I want. Wait, hold on.”
Adora (yelling): "FOR THE NONER OF GRAYSKULL!"
(Pause.)
Adora (yelling): "For. the. HOnor. of. Gayskull!"
Adora (snorting): "Gayskull! Thas a good one though. Do you get it? Iz, it's, because I'M GAY. I'm the gayskull!" (Sounds of Adora laughing…for too long.)
Adora (calming down): “Okay, okay, I’m gonna get it this time.”
(Short pause)
Adora: "Pour the honor of Grayskull!"
(Glimmer and Catra Laughing)
Adora (dejected): “Screw this. I think I need another drink before I try again.”
Bow: “I really don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Adora: “No, no, guys, this is really gonna help. Watch.”
(Short pause)
Adora (yelling loudly): “FOR THE HONOR OF GRAYSKULL!”
(Pause.)
Glimmer: “Huh?!”
Adora (whining): “But I said it right, didn’t I?”
(Everyone agrees.)
Adora: “Was, what’s happening? Why can’t I turn into She-Ra? Is She-Ra mad at me?”
Bow: “Adora, you are She-Ra, ‘she’ can’t be mad at you because ‘she’ is you.”
Adora: “I know, I know, my therapist keeps telling me (Fusty voice impersonation) ‘Embrace your identity and stop thinking of yourself as merely a conduit for She-Ra.’ (whining) “But guys, this has never happened before. What if I drank away my powers? Catra, do you think. Do you think kissing me again would fix it?”
Catra (laughing): “I think, I think you’re just too drunk to be She-Ra! But sure, I’ll kiss you, dummy. You don’t need an excuse for that.”
Bow: “Can we get back to the story please?”
Glimmer: “Where were we?”
Catra (laughing): “Still at the beginning.”
Adora: “How is that possible? We’ve said, like, so much. We should have millions of hours of recording now.”
Catra: “ArrowBoy?”
(Pause.)
Bow (sadly): “It says 13 minutes.”
(Glimmer yells in frustration.)
Bow: “Maybe my dads were right. This is hard.”
Adora: “No, we can do this! So there was the bridge and I jumped and that fucking hurt! But Catra was. Catra She. She Was–” (gets choked up and stops.)
Glimmer (unconcerned): “Meanwhile, I fought an entire clone army by myself.”
Catra: “Convenient how no one else was there to corroborate that. Weren’t you idiots just walking around talking out loud into earpieces and thinking no one would notice? You’ve seen Hordak. You’ve seen how large his ears are.”
Bow: “We were very stealthy!”
Catra: “You picked up a stray! And you brought him home!”
Bow: “We broke Wrong Hordak! We were responsible for him!”
Adora: “Besides, Prime wasn’t that smart. He set up an ambush but he left me alone with Catra, like our connection wasn’t stronger than any of his messed up technology.”
Glimmer: “Apparently a big stick was stronger than his messed up technology. All I had to do to fry the server was stab it.”
Catra: “Your eyes are terrifying right now.”
Adora: “And then She-Ra came back to take out the rest of the clones and get us out of there. So I saved Catra and I got to tell Prime-” (gravelly voice) “You miscalculated.”
(Pause)
Glimmer: “...what does that mean?”
Adora: “If She-Ra wasn’t mad at me right now, you’d get it.”
Bow: “Adora-”
Adora: ”You know what I mean!”
Glimmer: “It was soooo awkward on the ship after that. You two weirdos fumbling around like you weren’t obsessed with each other.”
Bow: “The fighting.”
Glimmer: “The making up.”
Bow: “The fighting again.”
Glimmer: “The making up again. By the time we got to Krytis, I was just happy to not be trapped on a tiny ship with you two for a while.”
Adora: “Aww, Kryshtis. That was fun!”
Catra: “What was fun about that burned out husk of a place?”
Glimmer (annoyed): “We just had to steer through an entire asteroid field and risk destroying Darla first. Adora was jumping around outside from asteroid to asteroid fighting clone ships.”
Bow: “Without even knowing whether or not asteroids were strong and steady enough to hold up her weight.”
Catra: “Yet another awful plan you didn’t think through…What if you had fallen to your death in space?”
Adora: “Whatever. I saved us again! And once we made it there, Catra saved us, and we met Melog and everyone became best friends. Except Entrapta. She’s best friends with Darla.”
Catra: “I think they’re more than friends…”
Bow: “That doesn’t need to be in the public record-”
Glimmer: “Where is Melog right now?”
Catra: “Waiting nearby to carry Adora to bed if she keeps drinking.”
Adora: “So after that, we came back to Etheria and Perfuma wouldn’t let me throw a tank at Scorpia.”
Glimmer: “...Was that the same day?”
Catra: “Why did you try to throw a tank at Scorpia?!”
Adora: “She’s big! She’d be fine!”
Glimmer (fake coughing): “Jealous.”
(Catra laughs.)
Adora: “I was doing it to protect you, Catra! She tried to fry you. Like, she wasn’t already strong enough already, the stupid Black Garnet had to go and give her frying powers?!”
Glimmer: “What the fuck is a ‘frying’ power?”
Bow: “Did you ever notice how Scorpia didn’t speak when she was chipped? That was…unsettling.”
Catra: “Scorpia not talking?! That would be unsettling.”
Adora: “So Prime followed us to Etheria. So we had to hide in the woods and wear cloaks.”
Bow: “Catra’s cloak had such cute little ears. How is everything you do so cuuuuute?”
Glimmer: “It was especially cute when Frosta punched you so hard, she almost rearranged your entire face.”
Catra: “Shut up, Sparkles.”
Adora: “Stop it you guys. Whatever, Scorpia was fine. She let us escape the Fright Zone. After that, we snuck into Mytsacor looking for the Crystal of Raxia that Bow’s dads found out about.”
Glimmer: “Axria!”
Bow (frustrated): “Arxia!”
Catra: “In hindsight, maybe it would've been smarter to stop sneaking into the most dangerous places on the planet. Also, it’s Mystacor, dummy.”
Adora: “That’s what I said. I’ll never forget it. That’s where you jumped into fire for me.”
Catra: “That place was creepy. Plus fucking Shadow Weaver creeping around, being all ‘Adora, don’t be gay’ or whatever.”
Adora: “I don’t remember her saying that.”
Catra: “Whatever. You were under a lot of stress.”
Adora: “That’s true. I had to take the Failsafe-”
Glimmer: “Another time you almost died for no reason!”
Adora: “I did not! It wasn’t that painful, not really. Just kinda like..an intense workout. And a rash. And a slight fever.”
Catra: “Did that thing give you the fucking flu and you didn’t bother to mention that to anyone?!”
Adora: “You would’ve worried!”
Catra: “I was worried anyway!”
Adora: “Awww.”
Glimmer: “So Adora almost died again-”
Adora: “Stop saying that!”
Glimmer: “The failsafe was inside a huge column, Adora. We probably could’ve fit like 4 or 5 people in there. Nothing said that only one person had to take it.”
Adora: “Wha?”
Catra: “Oh my fucking Gods, Adora. Is this the first time you’ve thought of that?”
Adora: “There wasn’t a rulebook or anything. Mara could have at least left behind instructions.”
Bow: “I don’t think she had time to do that while she was trying to, you know, save the planet.”
Adora: “Well, next time I save the universe, I’m leaving instructions! That’s just considerate.”
Catra: “Yeah, you’re not doing that. Next time something happens, you’re taking all of us with you, idiot. No more running off alone to be a hero.”
Glimmer: “Yeah! Like when you left me and Bow in the Heart! You are a habishual leaver, Adora.”
Bow: “To be fair, during the war, we all went a little rogue from time to time. Just…some of us more than others.”
Glimmer (forcefully): “Promise me, Adora. No. more. leaving.”
Adora: “You’re kinda hurting my hands right now…”
Glimmer (forcefully): “Promise.”
Catra: “She promises. Jeez, Sparkles. You’re a scary drunk. Just finish the story so you can sleep this off.”
Glimmer: “I’m not going to sleep! I’m going to live forever!”
Catra: “What the hell do those two things have to do with each other?”
Bow: “Okay, circling back to the story…”
Glimmer: “After Adora abandoned us in the Heart-”
Adora: “Hey!”
Glimmer: “I had to go fight my dad. It was very full circle.”
Catra: “...How is that full circle?”
Glimmer: “And Bow was off doing some tech thing that unchipped everybody. Oh! And he got to make a global announcement about fighting back. So now my boyfriend is basically the most famous face on the entire planet.”
Catra: “Well, She-Ra exists though so…not really…”
Bow: “It’s not a competition. If it were, She-Ra and I would probably be tied.”
Adora: “Catra should be tied with She-Ra. She saved Etheria too.”
Catra: “I’m tied by She-Ra a lot. Does that count?”
(Adora snorts.)
Bow (tensely): “Okay! Back to the Heart!”
Adora: “Right – I got poisoned! And I kept having all these visions of Catra and Mara and the past and the future.” (sighs.) “It was a lot. And Prime kept showing up somehow being all ‘Boooo! You’re gonna fail.’ But Catra came back for me! Oh, uh, Shadow Weaver came back, too, but that’s, like, less happy.”
Catra: “She was the worst, but she did one thing right. She turned herself into a human fireball and smoked that gross green monster that the First Ones had guarding the Heart.”
Adora: “Catra, can I lay down on you for the next part? The room’s starting to get swoopy.”
Catra (chuckling): “Sure. Come here, dummy.”
Adora: “Okay. She-Ra started to fade a bunch so that was terrible. You know, cause-”
Glimmer: “The entire reason you took the Failsafe was because you swore She-Ra would protect you from dying!”
Adora: “But I was fine.”
Catra: “You were dying from an ancient poison and about to go be destroyed by an entire planet worth of magic.”
Adora (besotted): “And you still stayed with me.”
Catra: “What was I supposed to do? Just leave? You could barely stand.”
Adora: “Oh! Prime was hacking the planet – I forgot that part! That’s important ‘cause he was stealing the Heart and if we didn’t move fast enough, he’d win. I still don’t know how that means he was able to hack my dreams…”
Glimmer: “What?”
Adora: “Then I was in a green prison in my pretty white dress and Catra reached in and pulled me out.”
Catra: “That never happened. I don’t understand why she always says that happened.”
Bow: “I think it’s metaphorical.”
Adora: “And Catra said she loved me. She asked me to stay. We kissed and-and the Failsafe just erupted out of us-out of our love! Into a rainbow of magic, Glimmer!”
Glimmer: “Why are you yelling at me?! I’ve heard this part a dozen times already.”
Adora: “It was so beautiful.”
Catra: “Alright, I think we’re done here. Someone’s gotta go to bed now.”
Adora: “But I didn’t finish the story…”
Catra: “You ‘whooshed’ Horde Prime out of the galaxy. There. Done. Say goodnight to everyone.”
Adora: “Guys, let’s all get matching tattoos!”
Bow: “Best Friend Squad tattoos?!”
Catra: “Have you idiots forgotten that I have fur? I can’t get a tattoo!”
Adora: “Oh, right.”
Glimmer: “Okay, let’s just save this recording so everyone can get out of my room.”
(Recording clicks.)