Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hiei: (yelling at random ex-partner of Kurama's) "Get your own fox!!

Yusuke: (yelling at random ex-partner of Kurama's) "Damn straight! This one's mine!"

Hiei: (gives Yusuke a look)

Yusuke: "Ours! This one's ours!!"

Kurama: (to Kuwabara) "Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of a custody battle?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "In my defense...I was left unsupervised."

Botan: "Wasn't Hiei with you?"

Hiei: "...In my defense, I was also left unsupervised."

Yusuke: "We should never be left unsupervised."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Hm...how does everyone feel about strip poker?"

Yusuke: "Nope. Not happening. We are not playing strip poker. I don't care what I said when I was drunk, Foxboy"

Hiei: "Finally develop a sense of modesty, Detective?"

Yusuke: "'Course not. Just not wearing underwear today."

Kuwabara: (spittake into Hiei's face)

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "How drunk was I last night?"

Kuwabara: "You forgot what milk was and called it 'cereal water'."

Kurama: "You cried when I said that you couldn't stick a fork in an electrical socket."

Hiei: "You tried to throw yourself out the window to, quote, "escape my shitty life", end quote."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I've done a lot of dumb stuff."

Hiei: "I witnessed the dumb stuff."

Kurama: "I recorded the dumb stuff."

Kuwabara: "I joined you in the dumb stuff."

Botan: "I tried to STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!!"

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Okay...if you had to take a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?"

Kuwabara: "I'd be sober."

Kurama: "Maybe a bit tipsy? Depends."

Koenma: "Kinda drunk."

Hiei: "...Wasted."

Yusuke: "D e a d."

Chapter Text

Yusuke: "I wasn't hurt that bad. Kurama said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Good morning. Koenma's let me live another day and I'm about to make that everybody else's problem."

===========================================
===========================================

(both yelling at a teacher's back)

Kuwabara: "Excuse me?! You can't do this to us!!"

Yusuke: "We're human beings damnit!!"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Hey Urameshi, you remember how long this report was supposed to be?"

Yusuke: "Like a mini skirt--long enough to cover everything, but short enough to still be interesting."

Kuwabara: "...That answers nothing."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "...You're complaining before we even get started?"

Yusuke: "I said I'd help. Never said I wouldn't complain."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Yusuke, do you have a self-care routine?"

Yusuke: ""Keep going bitch", said to myself in different accents."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: (done giving Yusuke a new mission) "Any questions?"

Yusuke: "Can I just go back to bed and pretend this day never happened?"

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Where are you going, Yusuke?"

Yusuke: "To either get ice cream or commit a felony." (beat) "I'll decide on the way."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Oh my, shouldn't you be asleep right now, Yusuke?"

Yusuke: "Botan, if you hadn't opened your mouth, I'd be making love to Morpheus right now."

===========================================
===========================================

(over the Koen-phone communicator)

Koenma: "Listen, Yusuke...just get over here."

Yusuke: "Do I have to? I really don't wanna put on pants."

Koenma: (facepalm) "Please tell me that you are not having this conversation with me while you are naked."

Yusuke: "Do you want the truth or a little white lie that'll perserve your sanity?"

===========================================
===========================================

Koenma: "Yusuke...I do NOT pay you to mock me."

Yusuke: "You'd have to pay me not to."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Okay, so...I pranked Hiei and now he's pissed, and I honestly can't decide whether I should laugh or cower in fear. Which one?"

Kurama: (reading a book) "Well, Yusuke, it depends. Do you want to live to see tomorrow?"

Yusuke: "Hell if I know. You guys should know by now that I've got zero self-preservation instinct, that's why I asked you."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Yusuke...what happened to Hiei?"

Yusuke: "He wouldn't sleep so Botan dumped him off on me. I gave him a glass of warm milk and a handful of Valium...but he still won't shut up, so TAG, YOU'RE IT. Deuces!"

===========================================
===========================================

(over the Koen-phone communicator)

Yusuke: "Hey, Kurama, have you ever noticed that you can say "have a nice day" and it's no problem, but you can't say "enjoy the next 24 hours" without it sounding vaguely threatening?"

Kurama: (half-asleep) "Yusuke...it is literally 3 AM."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (climbing in through a window) "Why is there food?"

Yusuke: (cooking) "'Cause otherwise everyone'd die of starvation and there'd be no one here to help the next time this city sets itself on fire.

===========================================
===========================================

(both watching Kuwabara run from a VERY pissed-off Shizuru)

Yukina: "Oh my...is Kazuma in any real danger?"

Yusuke: "Only if he slows down."

Chapter Text

Kuwabara: "...I love Urameshi like a brother, I really do, but he's a complete moron."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Urameshi offered me a sip of his drink because I said I was thirsty, and lemme tell you, I was not fucking expecting to take a sip of a vodka at nine in the morning."

===========================================
===========================================
(both playing video games)

Kuwabara: "Urameshi, question. You've been in my dreams before so, tell me, is it just me or do a lot of things in my dreams symbolize dicks?"

Yusuke: "Dude...all of your dreams're packed with enough homoerotic symbolism to lift Freudian theory from the ashes of discretization."

Kuwabara: "...Kurama give you a psych book and a thesaurus?"

Yusuke: "Yeah, why?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I can't eat all of this."

Yusuke: "I know. That's why I'm saying I'll eat it."

Kuwabara: "Well, I mean, I could--"

Yusuke: "Look, it's food. It goes in my mouth. I'm hungry. I'll eat it."

[ten minutes later]

Kuwabara: "This tastes bland."

Yusuke: "It tastes like food."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hey, Kuwabara...we're friends, right?"

Kuwabara: "Normally I'd say "yes" without hesitation, but I feel like this is heading somewhere and I'm not sure I like where."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Look, words were said, people got punched, it really isn't a big deal and wasn't that bad."

Kuwabara: "They wanted to try us as ADULTS, Urameshi."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hey guys, sorry we're late! Kuwabara and I were out on a little fun run!"

Kuwabara: ""Fun run"?! Officers were in pursuit for fifteen blocks!"

Yusuke: "Great cardio!"

===========================================
===========================================

('text' conversation--SwordMasterK = Kuwabara, BattleKingOfTheRing = Yusuke)
[Saturday 7:32 PM]

SwordMasterK: You're gonna regret wussing out on us celebrating Okubo's promotion!
SwordMasterK: It's gonna be awesome, Urameshi!!

Yeah, yeah. I gotta study. :BattleKingOfTheRing

SwordMasterK: Meaning play video games all night and occasionally remember to look at your textbooks?

Fuck off. Have a shot for me in spirit, you jizztrumpet. :BattleKingOfTheRing

[Saturday 9:58 PM]

SwordMasterK: IM WEARING A FLAG!!1!!

So...that's a 'no' to clothes then? :BattleKingOfTheRing

SwordMasterK: FLAGG!!1!!!1!

I'll come get you idiots from the drunk tank. :BattleKingOfTheRing

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I really wish I could just delete people sometimes."

Kuwabara: "Now, you see, that'd be "murder" and we've talked about this many times."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "...Is that the voice in my head that tells me to "kill and kill again"?"

Kuwabara: "No, man. Satan's voice's lower and he's got a British accent."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Would you please not Urameshi this into a worse situation than it already is?"

Yusuke: "Wait...did you just use my name as verb?!"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Man...I did not sign up for the What-The-Fuck-A-Month Club."

Yusuke: "You said that last month too. Maybe you should cancel your membership."

Kuwabara: "Maybe YOU should stop dragging me into crazy-ass shit."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Nobody told you to bring that heavy backpack."

Kuwabara: "Nobody told you to bring that nasty attitude, but I'm stuck with both."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "I have to ask, how have you gotten along with Yusuke for so long?"

Kuwabara: "You just gotta take it one "are you fucking kidding me??" at a time."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Is everything alright?"

Botan: "Why do you ask?"

Kuwabara: "'Cause Hiei hasn't said a word to anyone in twelve hours and it's scaring the shit outta me."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "How are you feeling, Kuwabara?"

Kuwabara: (injured and recovering) "Vicodin's awesome...it makes the furniture feel friendly."

Kurama: "I...I have no idea how to respond to that actually."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Kuwabara, what are you doing?"

Kuwabara: "Praying."

Kurama: "Praying to whom exactly?"

Kuwabara: "At this point, anyone who's fucking listening!"

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "You had ONE job."

Kuwabara: "Yeah, well, you had the same job."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Give me something blunt."

Kuwabara: "You got a hard time letting people in and trusting individuals."

Hiei: "I meant an object!"

Chapter Text

Hiei: "...I am never going to live this down, am I?"

Youko Kurama: "Hmm...no. Not if I have anything to say about it, anyway."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Fox, are you awake?"

Youko Kurama: "...Now I am. Why?"

Hiei: "I can't sleep."

Youko Kurama: "I can, now shut up."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Uh...Kurama? Will you answer a few questions about last night for me?"

Kurama: (cooking) "Ask your questions, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "Question one: where are my pants?"

Kurama: "You may want to check Kuwabara's YouTube for that answer." (beat) "Nice boxers, by the way. Very festive."

Yusuke: "...New question two: What am I gonna be searching for?"

Kurama: (points to his laptop) "It's already loaded, just hit play."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "At this point, I'm honestly bored enough to be game for anything."

Yusuke: "You and bungee jumping...I'll pay to see that."

Kurama: "You just want see what my face looks like when I think I'm about to die, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "Kinda harsh, but also kinda true."

Kurama: "We'll go this weekend."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Come on...you really think I'd let a condemned building kill me?"

Kurama: "Yusuke, I think that you would die from slipping on a bar of soap just to screw with all of us."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (sighs) "You are not a functional adult and it shows."

Yusuke: "What are you talking about? I'm a perfectly functional adult."

Kurama: "Yusuke...you have been living off of coffee and fruit snacks for three days straight, you look like you haven't slept in a week, and you are currently wearing boxers as shorts in public because you ran out of clean clothes two days ago."

Yusuke: "...Shut up."

Kurama: (starts pushing Yusuke) "Come on, Yusuke, let's get you some self-care."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Can I get a venti vanilla latte with...eight shots of espresso?"

Yusuke: "Jesus Christ, Foxboy...just do cocaine."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Uh, Kurama? Why do you put so much sugar in your coffee?"

Kurama: "Because this place doesn't offer little packets of methamphetamine."

===========================================
===========================================

(all four walking together to do a thing)

Kurama: (sigh) "This is such a bad idea."

Kuwabara: "Then why are you coming along?"

Kurama: "Because someone needs to be able to talk the police out of arresting all of us when this inevitably goes wrong."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "If this plan goes bad, where should we meet up?"

Kurama: "Afterlife, I suspect."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "You remind me of the ocean, Hiei."

Hiei: "How? I'm "dark and mysterious"?"

Kurama: "No. You're salty AF and people are scared of you."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Fox...you do realize that you deserve to die for that joke alone."

Kurama: "And yet...it was worth it."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "We could work in some of the ideas that I've been suggesting."

Kurama: "Hiei, those are not ideas as much as they're random acts of violence."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Do I really need to call in the favors that you owe me?"

Hiei: "I don't owe you any favors, Fox."

Kurama: "Really? How about "but Shizuru, he was with me for the last few hours so he couldn't have put the banana in your tailpipe"?"

Hiei: "...That was a dare from the detective and you know it."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I can't believe that I let you talk me into this."

Kurama: "I literally said "I have an idea" and you just went with it without question." (beat) "So much convincing you took."

Chapter Text

(on a mission and facing down a swarm of bad guys)

Hiei: "Bad odds."

Yusuke: "Yeah." (beat) "They're fucked."

Hiei: "First to twenty points wins, Detective."

Yusuke: "And loser buys dinner."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I don't know, I mean, how dangerous can somebody who's sleep deprived be?"

Hiei: "Have you met the fox?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (realizing Genkai is gonna pissed) "That's it. I'm dead."

Hiei: "Oh please. I am not that lucky."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Detective, what are you doing at my tree this early in the morning?"

Yusuke: "Botan said that, if I'm gonna break the law, I need to have someone with me."

Hiei: (jumps from tree) "What laws are we breaking?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Holy...you look like you fought ten people and ran a mile to get here."

Hiei: "Twelve people. Four miles."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Have you found Urameshi?"

Hiei: "Yes. A half-hour ago...but I hid him again so you can find him."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Ugh...my head hurts."

Hiei: "That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Did you just call me stupid?!"

Hiei: "No. I said that you had an easy task. The implication is that you're stupid."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "No worries, guys. Your prayers have been answered!"

Hiei: "Then why are you here?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Hiei, in your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?"

Hiei: (looks at Kuwabara) "How tall are you?"

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I prevented a murder today."

Kurama: "Really? How did you do that?"

Hiei: "Self-control."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Hiei, why is it that you are always so suspicious of my intentions?"

Hiei: "Do you want the list in alphabetical order or chronological, Fox?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "You're being nice today."

Hiei: "I'm lulling them into a false sense of security."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (climbs in through the window and shuts it quickly)

Botan: "...What did you do?"

Hiei: "Nobody died."

Botan: "WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!!"

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Hiei!! You're late."

Hiei: "I wasn't even going to come today, so don't start."

Chapter Text

Botan: "Amazing! The bar was set pretty low, but all four of you found shovels and tunneled underneath it!"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Come on, Botan...when've I ever done something rash and irresponsible?"

Botan: "I keep a list." (pulls out a large book) "It's alphabetized."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Okay, look, every once in a while, I make one or two little mistakes--"

Botan: "--35,670 to date to be exact."

Yusuke: "You. Are. NOT. Helping."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Yusuke, where were you last night?"

Yusuke: (to rest of the group) "A thousand yen to anyone who can tell me."

Botan: "Five thousand yen to anyone who will throw him under a metaphorical bus."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: (to Hiei) "You're a real Yusuke sometimes."

Yusuke: "What the--why is my name an insult?!"

Botan: "You know what you did!"

===========================================
===========================================

(both watching Yusuke do a potentially extremely dangerous thing)

Kuwabara: "Uh, Botan? You look real calm right now. Why aren't you worried?"

Botan: (cheerfully) "Lord Koenma set up a "Yusuke did insane crap again" fund." (beat) "So far...we've been under budget this year."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Every time that there's a secret buried somewhere, I find one of you four with a shovel behind your back!"

Kuwabara: "Whoa! Why am I in this? I've got no secrets to bury!"

Botan: "You're always helping Yusuke."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Yusuke will catch up. He's trying to explain away why the hideout was barren."

Kuwabara: "Uh...well, we killed everyone and...didn't Kurama take everything?"

Botan: "He left everything that was nailed down; Hiei didn't."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "You're taking all of this very calmly, Botan."

Botan: "Oh, no, no...it's just three a.m."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Oh my, is Kuwabara alright?"

Kurama: "Yes. I believe he just fainted."

Botan: "Well...just leave him there. We'll get him in a minute."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "...how long was I out?"

Botan: "Seventeen years. The country's been bought by the Swiss. Bad news: the new national bird is the cuckoo. Good news: the chocolate's better."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: (to Yusuke) "Lord Koenma told Hiei that he has to wear an ankle tracker for a month as punishment."

Hiei: (wrestling with said-tracker) "How do I get this thing off?!"

Botan: "Well, you could imitate a coyote." (beat) "Want some hot sauce?"

Chapter Text

Kurama: "I know what your problem is, Yusuke"

Yusuke: "An idiot could see what my problem is, Foxboy."

Hiei: (gestures to Kuwabara) "Will this idiot do?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "No, guys. We can't go to my place 'cause if Shizuru gets any more complaints about weird shit happening at the apartment, we'll end up on some kinda paranormal daytime tv show."

Kurama: "Who says we aren't already?

Yusuke: (annoyed) "...If somebody's recording me right now, I'm putting them in traction for a year."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Okay, both of you can come along, but you have to promise me that you won't do anything to embarrass me."

Kuwabara: "I promise."

Yusuke: "I'll try, but if they serve me cauliflower, it's in God's hands."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (to random idiot who insulted his mother) "Excuse me?"

Yusuke: "Welp...somebody's 'bout to get metaphorically gored."

Kuwabara: "Sure it won't be literal?"

Hiei: "That happens after."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "How did none of you hear what I just said?"

Yusuke: "I've been zoned out for the last hour, man."

Kurama: "Apologies. I got distracted."

Hiei: "Ignoring you was a conscious decision."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Look Hiei, just try to smile. We're here to make Koenma feel better."

Hiei: (annoyed then smiles at Kurama's back)

Kuwabara: (moves behind Yusuke) "Oh crap...that's terrifying."

Yusuke: "Dude, dial it back a bit. We're not here to murder Batman."

Kurama: (doesn't turn around) "Hiei, I said "try to smile", not "express horrible rictus"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Uh...that a stuffed wombat?"

Yusuke: "I...think so?"

Hiei: "Yes."

Kurama: "...Why do you two have a stuffed wombat?"

Yusuke: "I don't know!"

Hiei: "Reasons."

Kuwabara: "What reason's there to have a stuffed wombat?!"

Chapter Text

Yusuke: "The line between self-care and self-destruction is a fine one, but boy, do I walk it hard."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "You know, I love how people talk shit 'bout our generation like they ain't to blame for raising us this way."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Did you remember to cite your sources in the report?"

Yusuke: "Kinda hard to cite sources when the source's my ass that I pulled this thing out of."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Hiei called me annoying."

Yusuke: "Really? I'd better call him right now and tell him to never point out the obvious again."

Kuwabara: (puts Yusuke in a headlock, triggering a wrestling match)

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I think I can take him."

Yusuke: "No, you can't."

Kuwabara: "I'm going for it."

Yusuke: "Enjoy the taste of that curb." (beat) "I'll jump in to save you in a minute."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Am I a bad person for laughing at this?" (beat) "Look, I know I'm going to Hell, I'm just interested in how fast my descent'll be."

Kuwabara: "Satan'll greet you himself, tell you he's a big fan, and take you to the VIP room for drinks and to talk about you becoming a Lord of Hell if not his consort."

Yusuke: "I can live with this."

Kuwabara: "I WAS JOKING!!!"

Yusuke: "I'm not."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Dude, there's a special place in Hell for people like you."

Yusuke: "Yeah, we covered that it's called a THRONE."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Honestly Yusuke! You must be blind! You didn't even notice my hair!

Yusuke: "Not married to you! Not my problem!"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Me and Kuwabara got an agreement. He dies first, I scatter his ashes on a mountaintop. I die first, he throws my whole body into the pool at the Bellagio."

Botan: "And how exactly is he supposed to transport your corpse to the other side of the planet?"

Yusuke: "Not sure, but the whole portal-maker thing'll make it a shit-ton easier now."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Oh hell."

Kurama: "What's wrong?"

Yusuke: "Hiei just downed like ten shots of hard liquor in under a freaking minute."

Kurama: (eyes wide) "Oh...shit."

Yusuke: "I know." (beat) "This' gonna be good."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Just an FYI, but after the debacle that we don't speak of, I've decided to keep a list of all my friends in order of how likely they are to betray me."

Kurama: "Mm-hmm...and where am I on the list?"

Yusuke: "Uh...well, I can't tell you that 'cause then you'll quickly move up or down depending on your reaction."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (finishing patching Yusuke up) "So, Yusuke...did you learn anything from this?"

Yusuke: "Yeah." (beat) "Tasers and wine don't mix."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Honestly, Yusuke...how petty can you be?"

Yusuke: "One time, I edited a Wikipedia article just to win an argument with Keiko."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (wakes up) "The fuck--?! Hiei?! Is that you?"

Hiei: (from bathroom) "No, it's a thief. Just thought I'd grab a quick shower."

Yusuke: "Hiei, a buncha guys wanting to kill you had better not show up at my apartment again."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hiei, you ever have one-a those days where you just wanna stab someone?"

Hiei: "Yes. All the time." (beat) "Do you need me to stab someone?"

Yusuke: "Thanks, but Botan'll stab me if I say "yes", so I'm gonna have to say "no"."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Did you eat those brownies--oh damn...you ate half the pan!"

Hiei: "Yes? Why shouldn't I--" (beat then Hiei-face) "...how stoned am I gonna be in an hour, Detective?"

Yusuke: "You...um...may wanna lay down."

Chapter Text

Kuwabara: "Urameshi, you already got the gold medal for pissing people off. You don't need the silver too."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Okay, seriously...are all three of you completely incapable of common sense or are all of you feeling simultaneously suicidal and homicidal?"

===========================================
===========================================

Shizuru: "If it's such a problem, why not call in Yusuke or that short, spiky-haired guy?"

Kuwabara: "Sis, let's be real here: there's no good reason to call either of them for anything unless I need advice on ways to break a man's femur."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "This air freshener smells like Fireball."

Kuwabara: "Non-alcoholics call it "cinnamon"."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Huh. This room smells like vodka."

Kuwabara: "Pretty sure the room feels the same way about you."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "So...what's the plan for when this inevitably goes south?"

Kuwabara: "I think we should just go with I'm deaf and you don't speak Japanese."

Yusuke: "Classic."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Anybody else noticed that Hiei's kinda got resting homicide face?"

Kuwabara: "I noticed that all three of you have resting homicide face."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Dude, what are the odds of that even happening? Like a million to one--"

Kuwabara: "And now we can safely bet on it happening."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "...I think I just used up another of my nine lives."

Kuwabara: "Urameshi, at this point, you're in the double digits."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "That went well."

Kuwabara: "Anything that doesn't end in death or an arrest record's a positive."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I...I admit, I failed a spot check right there."

Kuwabara: "Dude, you rolled a fucking ONE."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Botan'll be fine. Right now she's just somewhere to the left of totally useless and to the right of babbling lunatic."

Kuwabara: "So, she's you in a skirt."

Yusuke: (puts Kuwabara in a chokehold, triggering a wrestling match)

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Yusuke's acting crazy."

Kuwabara: "Crazy for Urameshi, or crazy for ordinary people?"

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "This rule of Shizuru's just says "no ziplines"?"

Kuwabara: "Trust me. There's a whole saga of shenanigans and trips to the ER behind that one."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "So...Urameshi do anything weird last night?"

Botan: (appalled) "He called Lord Enma an "obese penguin"!!"

Kuwabara: "Huh. Well, that...sounds like tequila-Urameshi."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "I swear...is anyone sane here?!"

Kuwabara: "Eh, we got some pretty loose standards of sanity."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "You know how the guy said "Life's like a box of chocolates"?"

Kurama: "Yes?"

Kuwabara: "This' like a box of grenades."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (appears from nowhere) "I keep hearing my name. What are we talking about?"

Kuwabara: (after screaming) "Hiei, seriously, a collar with a cow bell or something!! I'll superglue it to your body if I've gotta!!"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Can I take all three of you to my therapist next week?"

Hiei: "...Why?"

Kuwabara: "She thinks I'm making all three of you up."

Chapter Text

Kurama: "The caffeine failed, so I'm running on pure spite right now, but I'm fine."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "No. I'm going with you, because leaving you three unsupervised isn't an accident waiting to happen. It's an accident trying very hard to happen."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (seeing Kurama writing on a wall) "Oh shit. This' never good."

Kurama: "What? Uh...no, no Yusuke. It's fine. I just ran out of whiteboard, I swear."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I can totally--"

Kurama: "'Die doing this'? Yes, I agree."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (jerks blanket off of Yusuke) "Shower, shave, get dressed, let's go, in that order."

Yusuke: (groans) "But--"

Kurama: (picking out Yusuke's clothes) "I'm sorry, Yusuke, but did I start that sentence with "if it pleases your Highness"?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Come on Kurama, no one could survive that!"

Kurama: "Could, would, most likely did."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Oh, come on...what could possibly go wrong?"

Kurama: "Exactly what you don't want to go wrong."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (waking up after injuries) "Am I in Hell?"

Kurama: "No, Yusuke. If you were in Hell, you'd be on the throne and the Devil would be packing."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "So...what are you going to do?"

Kurama: "First, I'm going to save Yusuke...then I'm going to kill him."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Well...let's get out of here, shall we?"

Kuwabara: "...How'd you get out of those cuffs?"

Kurama: "When you've been in cuffs as much as I have, you pick up a few things, Kuwabara."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Fox, have you been up all night?"

Kurama: "Is it morning?"

Hiei: "Yes."

Kurama: "Then I've been up all night."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Were you involved in this, Fox?"

Kurama: "Depends. Are you asking if I'm legally culpable or technically responsible?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (holds up a hand) "Okay, Hiei...I can see that you intend to go on for a while if I let you, so let me boil this down to two important points. Point one: this whole outfit that you're wearing right now? Dumpster it. It's awful."

Hiei: (stares wtf-edly)

Kurama: "Point two: you need to get a life."

Hiei: "She's going to marry--!!"

Kurama: "Get a life."

Hiei: "Yukina--!"

Kurama: "LIFE."

===========================================
===========================================

(after Botan, Shizuru, Keiko, and Yukina are all pissed off at the same time)

Kurama: "Amazing, Hiei. You know, you could write a book: "How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less"."

Hiei: "...Shut up, Fox."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (comes in through Kurama's window) "Fox...Yukina is angry with me."

Kurama: (reading) "Hiei...it's not my fault that you have a way with words that makes you sound like an ass."

Hiei: "Fix it."

Kurama: "It's also not my job to clean up after you."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Good morning, Kurama!"

Kurama: (face down in his pillow) "What are you doing here?"

Botan: (opens mouth to speak)

Kurama: (glares through hair) "Because, unless there is an asteroid preparing to strike the city, the sun is ready to explode, or someone is dying and-or being eaten by a crocodile or a tyrannosaurus rex, it's very impolite to invade someone's home before the sun is even up."

Chapter Text

Hiei: "I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm gonna be motivated, it'll be by anger and spite."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "My reasons for not murdering all of you, are disappearing."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I sort of did something, and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism."

Hiei: "And you came to me?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Aw man...what can I do?"

Hiei: "Metaphorically make a deal with the Devil." (beat) "And by 'Devil', I mean 'the Fox', and by 'metaphorically', I mean 'get your coat, Detective'."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (enters his apartment) "You know in civilized cultures this' called 'trespassing'."

Hiei: "Then it's a good thing you're not civilized, Detective."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hey, Hiei, what's a positive-sounding word for "exploit"?"

Hiei: "Collected on a favor."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "So...are you doing this to help us, or did you just say you were to stop Urameshi from strangling you?"

Hiei: "...The Detective does have a strong grip."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: (to Kurama) "You must've really pissed somebody off."

Hiei: "That's not a short list."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "The f--why is everything on fire?!"

Hiei: "I needed a distraction and...certain things are very flammable."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Relax. They're all still breathing."

Kurama: "On their own or through tubes?"

Hiei: "Does it matter?"

===========================================
===========================================

(both watch Yusuke and Kuwabara wrestle and insult each other)

Kurama: "Hm...I think that we should stop them."

Hiei: "I think we should get a crowbar."

Kurama: "Murder does not solve everything, Hiei."

Hiei: "It solves most things."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "You're really quiet today, Hiei."

Hiei: "No one plans a murder out loud, Fox."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (climbs in through window) "Fox."

Kurama: "Who did you kill?"

Hiei: "Why does everyone always automatically assume that I've killed someone?"

Kurama: (stares at Hiei)

Hiei: (resigned sigh) "...All of you could at least be grateful that I never call on you to help dispose of the corpses."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (hands Hiei a bottle of unknown liquid) "Drink this for me."

Hiei: "Am I going wake up naked in a parking lot tomorrow with a blank memory?"

Kurama: "Just drink it."

Hiei: "Answer me first, Fox."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Violence doesn't solve everything, Hiei."

Hiei: "If it doesn't, then you're not using enough of it."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Are you going with us?"

Hiei: "I'll go if I don't have to talk."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Are you okay?"

Hiei: "Yeah, I'm fine."

Botan: "Uh huh...and what does "fine" mean?"

Hiei: "It means that I am perfectly content, but also would not mind if the sun exploded right now and killed us all."

Chapter Text

[past] Genkai: (points at item on shelf) "Could you get that for me?"

[past] (Younger) Toguro: "Ah, so you do need me in your life."

[past] Genkai: "I can always replace you with a stepladder."

===========================================
===========================================

[past] Genkai: "I don't believe you! You broke every bone in your damned hand and for what?! Just because of what that guy said? Honestly, was it worth it?!"

[past] (Younger) Toguro: "When he was saying those things about you, Genkai? Yes. Every goddamned second."

[past] Genkai: (fondly) "You absolute dumbass."

===========================================
===========================================

[past] (Younger) Toguro: "So...you want to be the angel on my shoulder, huh Genkai?"

[past] Genkai: "More likely that I'll be another devil, but no worries. I promise to only stab you in the neck with my pitchfork and not in the ass like your brother."

===========================================
===========================================

(Younger) Toguro: "Genkai--"

Genkai: "Fuck! I forgot to block you!"

(Younger) Toguro: "...This is a real life conversation."

===========================================
===========================================

(Younger) Toguro: (adjusts sunglasses) "Genkai. It's been a long time--"

Genkai: "I know. I'd love to keep it that way."

===========================================
===========================================

(Younger) Toguro: "May I have a word?"

Genkai: "Here's a word: goodbye."

===========================================
===========================================

(both having a smoke on Genkai's porch)

Genkai: "So, what're you gonna do?"

Yusuke: "That's what I'm asking you for."

Genkai: "I'm not a Magic 8 Ball."

===========================================
===========================================

Genkai: (to Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Hiei) "Congratulations. You three just won the Gold, Silver, and Bronze in the Moron Olympics!"

Yusuke: "Uh...who won the gold?"

Genkai: (murder glare)

===========================================
===========================================

Genkai "Alright, Carrottop. I'm gonna test you."

Kuwabara: "Gonna get me an A-plus-plus."

Genkai: "Or be flat on your A-S-S."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I don't have psychological problems."

Genkai: (playing video games) "That a fact?"

Kuwabara: "Well...compared to Urameshi and Hiei."

Genkai: "Right...and compared to a Yeti, Kurama doesn't have much hair."

===========================================
===========================================

Genkai: (suspiciously pokes bowl) "Is this health food?"

Kurama: "Well...it's not bad for you."

Genkai: "Don't tell me that!! Tell me there's a stick of butter in it!"

===========================================
===========================================

Genkai: "I need a drink."

Kurama: "You're holding a drink, Master Genkai."

Genkai: (tosses beer can over her shoulder) "I need a stronger drink."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (to himself) "Am I paranoid or dense?"

Genkai: "Depends on the day."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "I'm amazed you're taking seeing Toguro again so well, Master Genkai."

Genkai: "A long night with a lot of hard alcohol works miracles, Sparkles."

Chapter Text

(Kuwabara being chased by a furious Shizuru)

Kuwabara: (dives out a window and into a snow bank) "I'M COMING FOR THE DEATH OF WINTER!!!"

Shizuru: (grabs Kuwabara's ankle) "Not on my watch!! You'll die under me!!"

Yusuke: "That...could've been phrased better."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "So...basically, you were drunk from 7 to...?"

Yusuke: "Tuesday."

Kuwabara: "Seriously...how are you not dead?"

Yusuke: "Magic liver?"

Hiei: "Even for a demon, yes."

===========================================
===========================================

(Yusuke, Hiei, and Kurama all playing poker)

Kuwabara: (wanders in looking full-on-depressed)

Kurama: (looks up from his cards) "Hm. I think that he had a bad time."

Hiei: (glaring at his cards) "We don't know that for sure."

Kuwabara: (wanders to other room and starts screaming incoherently)

Hiei: "Sit down, Detective. For all we know, that screaming means that he's being murdered."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Well fuck."

Kuwabara: "Uh...what do we do?"

Kurama: "Just resign yourselves to the fact this is going be a total disaster and let's all try to keep the human casualties to a minimum."

Hiei: (stares wtf-edly) "There's a minimum?"

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Problems?"

Hiei: "That idiot almost killed us yesterday!!"

Botan: (stares wtf-edly) "How?"

Kurama: "Kuwabara drove all of us home from the mall."

Botan: "Oh." (beat) "Sorry, I should have warned you. Lord Koenma thinks that Kuwabara was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life."

Yusuke: "That explains way too much."

Chapter Text

Yusuke: "Great. You do that. I'm gonna go pour myself a nice, tall glass of a glorious clear liquid that takes away all my pain." (beat) "Not sure if it'll be tequila or bleach...but I'll decide while I walk."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Okay brain. I don't like you, you don't like me...but if we can get through this, and I pass, I'll celebrate with a weekend-long, binge-drinking, video game marathon."

Yusuke's Brain: "Deal."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Mind if I drive?"

Yusuke: "Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "You were out drinking again last night, weren't you, Urameshi?"

Yusuke: (rubbing forehead) "Actually...it was this morning."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "So, what? This is like a drunk Spanish Inquisition?"

Yusuke: "Nope...that'd require a few bottles of tequila and some nipple clamps."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I did something terrible."

Yusuke: "It's okay, I've got a shovel."

Kuwabara: "Wait, what?! What do you think I did?"

Yusuke: "Don't matter, because no one'll ever know."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I'm gonna need a drink."

Botan: "It's seven in the morning, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "I said what I said." (beat) "And make it a double."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Yusuke! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Yusuke: "Honestly? Most of the time, I have no idea."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Huh. With traffic, I wasn't expecting you guys for another hour."

Kurama: (giving Hiei ginger ale and saltines) "Kuwabara drove."

Yusuke: (winces) "Ahh...'nough said."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "If everyone is done being stupid--"

Yusuke: "I had more, but go ahead."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I'm very organized."

Kurama: "You ran out of clean shirts three days ago."

Yusuke: "I'm selectively organized."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (staring wtf-edly at Hiei) "Okay...what's gotten into Hiei?"

Yusuke: "Oh..." (holds up a bottle) "...just a few virgin daiquiris that were a little bit 'slutty'."

Kurama: "Oh, Yusuke, you didn't."

Yusuke: "You do your experiments, I do mine. Now sit back and enjoy the free entertainment."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Do I look suspicious enough?"

Hiei: "Why are you carrying a salmon?"

Yusuke: "...Reasons."

Chapter Text

Kuwabara: "We've all got our demons." (gestures at Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei) "These three are mine."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Hey Urameshi, sounds like we got a lot of the same problems...so you wanna go half-and-half on a therapist?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I admit that I'm a hot mess--"

Kuwabara: "More like a dumpster fire."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Holy shi--you look like crap, Urameshi."

Yusuke: "I feel like crap."

Kuwabara: "Can I get you anything? Waffles, toast, a shot of tequila?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Who knew a sedan could hit 140?"

Yusuke: "...You're never getting behind the wheel of a car again...unless we have no choice."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "What's with the look?"

Kuwabara: "I think this GPS just swore at me."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Huh. Guess we really do make a great team, huh?"

Yusuke: "Yeah...I'm stronger though."

Kuwabara: "...I'm smarter."

Yusuke: "I'm handsomer."

Kuwabara: "You know what, we need to keep moving. Bad guys're just up ahead...and my dick's bigger."

===========================================
===========================================

Keiko: (reading a book) "Hmm, did you know that the human brain doesn't fully develop until we're 25?"

Kuwabara: (watching Yusuke do something really stupid) "I'm made painfully aware of that on a daily basis."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "We need to get there fast? Okay. I'm driving."

Kurama: "Why do you get to drive?"

Kuwabara: "'Cause, when I drive, I ignore all speed limits, red lights...and certain laws of physics."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "I think that's a ramp?"

Kuwabara: "Alright!! I wanted to do this since I saw Knight Rider!"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "How dare you! I do not drive like an old grandmother."

Kuwabara: "Yes, you do." (beat) "And I drive like the whole world's a racetrack and I've got a death wish. Neither of us should ever drive."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (confused by Kurama's coffee) "What exactly is this?"

Kuwabara: "Something just this side of being a controlled substance."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Why are you here?"

Kuwabara: "Some dumbass said my name three times to a mirror. Why the hell do you think I'm here?"

Chapter Text

Kurama: "Me drinking coffee helps others live longer."

===========================================
===========================================
(after covering Yusuke, Hiei, and Kuwabara's mouths with vines)

Kurama: "Oh no, you don't." (beat) "I've been woken by incoherent screaming and forced to make myself presentable at this unholy hour, so you three are not breaking into a screaming and insulting match in my house before I've had my coffee."

===========================================
===========================================
(about to have a friendly sparring session)

Kurama: "Well, this is going to hurt."

Yusuke: (cracks knuckles) "I'll go easy on you, Foxboy."

Kurama: "I didn't say that it was going to hurt me."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (recovering from injuries) "Are...are you sweeping my house?"

Kurama: "Well, I'm certainly not building you a bookcase."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Here's the list of supplies I'll need, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "...Why do you have "heartburn relief tablets" on this? Expecting this to go off the rails?"

Kurama: "With all three of you helping? Yes."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Dude, what the fuck was that noise?"

Kurama: "Not sure, but let's go see what's dragging down property values this time."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Holy fuck."

Kurama: (innocently) "What?"

Kuwabara: "Next time I need to gamble, I'm getting you to do it."

Kurama: "Sure. Take me to a casino and we can clean up."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Kurama, why's there a federal mailbox in your living room?"

Kurama: "Not exactly sure, but it is pretty high on the Drunk-Theft scale...and most likely Yusuke and Hiei's fault."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Fox."

Kurama: "Crossed that line when I got a date."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Apparently Genkai has friends coming over and she wants us to stay away so we do not embarrass her."

Hiei: "Genkai has friends outside of us?"

Kurama: "...I think she'd whip your ass and tie you to a pole for saying that."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "I may regret this, but I'm going to ask Yusuke to make you a Long Island Iced Tea."

Hiei: (irritated and confused) "Will that calm me down?"

Kurama: "It's calmed the pants off me a few times."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: (making a list) "Okay...and is Hiei allergic to anything?"

Kurama: "Pine nuts and the full spectrum of emotion."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (enters police station) "Hello. I'm here for Yusuke, Kazuma, and Hiei."

Random Police Officer: "Yusuke, Kazuma, and Hiei...surnames?"

Kurama: "You must be new here."

Chapter Text

Hiei: "I'll let you know when I start to care,"

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Detective, Fox...what exactly did you two do to piss off the entirety of Hell and why was I not invited?!"

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (to Kuwabara) "One more very important thing: if the Fox ever says "excuse me?" to you, it is not because he did not hear you. It's because he is giving you a merciful chance to change what you said."

Yusuke: "Believe him. He knows from experience."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Come on, Hiei. There's no way you'd leave me hanging."

Hiei: "I'd cut you down after a week or two."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hey, Hiei, how you doing?"

Hiei: "Please don't make me think about my life."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hey, can I ask your advice on something?"

Hiei: "Isn't there someone better that you could ask, Detective...like literally anyone else?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Are you saying that I'm crazy?

Hiei: "I'm not saying that, Detective." (beat) "I am thinking it very loudly, but I'm not saying it.

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Uh, Hiei? This drink you brought me from Makai...will it calm me down?"

Hiei: "Yes." (beat) "If, by "calm me down" you mean "lay you out on the floor, paralyzed from the hair down", Detective."

Yusuke: (pause...think...shrug) "Bottoms up."

===========================================
===========================================
(whole team in a fight w/ enemies)

Yusuke and Kuwabara: (in unison) "Fuck!!"

Hiei: "Unfuck yourselves! I'm not trying to die in this shithole!"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Awake now?"

Hiei: "They're going to find your body buried in the backyard."

Kuwabara: "Uh...you don't have a backyard."

Hiei: "Didn't say that it'd be my backyard."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Can I ask you a dumb question?"

Hiei: "Better than anyone I know."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I'm driving."

Hiei: "...I'm dead."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Hiei? Are you well?"

Hiei: "Hn? Oh, it's nothing. Just wondering what deity I pissed off this time."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "You do seven things a day that I ask you not to."

Hiei: "Actually...I do more. You only catch seven."

Chapter Text

Botan: "I'm going to the mall with Shizuru, Keiko, and Yukina. Where did you think I was going?"

Hiei: "Dressed like that? I assumed the nearest street corner."

Yusuke: "HIEI!!! NO!!!"

Kurama: (facepalm) "Not again..."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Look, every time I try to learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain."

Kurama: (disbelieving glare) "Really?"

Yusuke: "Yeah, like remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?"

Kuwabara: "That's because you were drunk, Urameshi!"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Are you sure I can't punch him in the face?"

Kuwabara: "Yes."

Yusuke: "How 'bout if I just break his nose a little?"

Kurama: "No."

Hiei: "Do it."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Huh? Are...those sirens part of the song?"

Kurama: (trying to dislodge Hiei from the 'oh-shit' handle) "No. You're being pulled over again."

Kuwabara: "Oh." (beat) "Wonder why I'm being pulled over."

Yusuke: "Oh, I don't know...maybe driving like you're going for first in the Grand Prix has something to do with it?!"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: (reading Shizuru's rule list) "What the...? "No lucha libre in the laundry room"?"

Yusuke: "Love that she confined that to just lucha libre and just to the laundry room."

Shizuru: (pokes head in) "Let me amend that! No wrestling of any kind, anywhere. Period.

Yusuke: (pouts) "You're no fun."

Shizuru: "I'm trying to keep you from dying."

Kuwabara: "So...how's that working out for you, sis?"

Chapter Text

Yusuke: "Why is it, whenever I'm having fun, it's wrong?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I'm Yusuke Urameshi. I do stupid in spades."

===========================================
===========================================

Keiko: "Really? Am I supposed to believe that?"

Yusuke: "It'd really help me out if you did."

===========================================
===========================================

Keiko: "Yusuke, what am I supposed to do with you?! You're impossible!!"

Yusuke: "Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: (holding his car keys) "Need a ride, Urameshi?"

Yusuke: "I'd rather run straight into the hands of Jack the Ripper."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "You fight like my sister!"

Yusuke: "I've fought your sister. That's a compliment!"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I'm 80% exhaustion, 10% sarcasm, and 20% I don't care."

Kuwabara: "That's 110%."

Yusuke: "20% of me don't care."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Why are you trying to drag all of us to Hell with you?"

Yusuke: "Trying to get the three-or-more group discount."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Why are you wearing a Batman mask and revving a chainsaw?"

Yusuke: "Couldn't find a pair of safety goggles."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Wake up, Yusuke!"

Yusuke: "I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave flowers and get out."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "You did WHAT?!?!"

Yusuke: "In my defense, I was left unsupervised with copious amounts of alcohol and shitty impulse control. I ain't at fault for this."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "You need to take a break, Foxboy."

Kurama: "I'm fine!"

Yusuke: "I'm getting the chloroform."

Kurama: "...You have chloroform?"

Yusuke: "You have chloroform."

Kurama: "...I have chloroform?" (beat of realization) "Oh shit. I have chloroform."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Dude, you need some sleep."

Kurama: "No, I don't. I'm fine, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "Foxboy, I literally walked in to you grumbling about "it's only two hours of homework per fucking class", then listened to you muttering about setting one-or-more of your teachers on fire for, like, twenty minutes, then you started singing Disney, and lemme tell you, there is a fucking limit to how many times in a row you can sing "Part of Your World" before it gets a little bit unhealthy."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Uh...why's everybody glaring at me? I haven't even gotten drunk and been found naked in someone's fountain."

Hiei: "That...was specific."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hiei, what the actual fuck, man?!"

Hiei: "I was trying to help."

Yusuke: "And how EXACTLY does arson help in this situation?!"

Chapter Text

Kuwabara: "Kurama, you're the voice of reason so...voice, start reasoning."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "At this point, Urameshi and Hiei've each got to be, like, ninety-percent painkillers."

===========================================
===========================================

Shizuru: "What did the doctor say?"

Kuwabara: "Anxiety."

Shizuru: "Anxiety? What could be giving you anxiety?"

Kuwabara: "Um...let's see: school, my friends...every aspect of my life?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hello."

Kuwabara: "Where the Hell have you been?!"

Yusuke: "Asleep."

Kuwabara: "For two fucking days?!!"

===========================================
===========================================

(over the Koen-phone communicator)

Yusuke: "I'm invoking the "no judgments" clause of our friendship."

Kuwabara: "My God...what've you done now?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "You trust me, right?"

Kuwabara: "When you say it like that, I feel like the answer should be an emphatic "no", but...for today, yeah, I trust you."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Look, you'll like this or I'll owe you one favor to use at any time...as long as it ain't something illegal."

Yusuke: "What if I do the illegal thing and you just "aid and abet"?"

Kuwabara: "Depends on what I'll be "aiding and abetting", but yeah, sure, we can go with that."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Don't get in any trouble while I'm gone...or, at least, don't do anything that involves a SWAT team."

Yusuke: "Don't be long then."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "We either go big or go home."

Yusuke: "Kuwabara, please, I'm begging you, for once...just go home."

Kuwabara: "I'm gonna go big."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I love being around you guys...it's like basking in pretty."

Yusuke: "Lemme guess: Foxboy gave you the good stuff, didn't he?"

Kuwabara: "I'm so-o-o high."

===========================================
===========================================

Keiko: (not happy and to Yusuke) "Have a safe trip."

Kuwabara: (to Yusuke) "Wow...that's the politest "screw you" I've heard since Spock."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Um, uh...are you okay, Kuwabara?"

Kuwabara: "Hm? Yeah, I'm fine...not like Urameshi's so plastered that, when I answered a call from Genkai for him, he dropped to his knees and screamed "The Lord hath spoken" at the top of his lungs in public or anything."

Botan: "That seems tame considering the last time--"

Kuwabara: "Not according to the police report, it wasn't."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Oh great, there's an essay. "How would you change the world if you could?"."

Kuwabara: "Well, if you need illustrations for your essay, Urameshi's pretty good at drawing mushroom clouds."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "You were bribed to say that, weren't you?"

Kuwabara: "I can neither confirm nor deny your allegation, but I can say that I can confidently put away a huge steak and that Urameshi's actually a pretty damn good cook."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "So...what do you want for Christmas this year, that Shizuru is not getting you?"

Kuwabara: "A lifetime supply of anxiety medication if I'm gonna keep dealing with Urameshi's bullshit."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I exist to be more witty than you."

Kuwabara: "You must've had to wait a while to find the reason for your existence since you're like how many centuries older than me?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "The day has suddenly turned sinister."

Hiei: "All I did was walk into the room."

Kuwabara: "Misery doesn't always have to revolve around you, you know."

Chapter Text

Kurama: "I'm leaving. Today's gone far beyond my daily quota of idiots."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "I'm guessing that the larger issue here is whether you're nuts or just plain stupid."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Whoa...I picked a bad moment to space. What's going on?"

Kurama: "Just punch whoever Hiei punches in a minute."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Hey Kurama, what can I make for Keiko and Botan that says "Sorry I tried to kill you with baked goods"?"

Kurama: "Death By Chocolate brownies could work."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "I love these lazy Saturdays."

Kurama: "It's Wednesday, Yusuke." (beat) "And you were supposed to be at Genkai's an hour ago."

Yusuke: "Fuck!" (runs out door) "She's gonna smoke me like a ham!!"

Kurama: (holds up duffel bag at closed door) "Wait for it..."

Yusuke: (opens door, grabs bag, runs away)

Kurama: "I can hardly wait for him to realize it's Tuesday."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Stop correcting me all the time."

Kurama: "Stop being wrong all the time."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Uh, Kurama, when was the last time you slept?"

Kurama: "I had a really long blink yesterday."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "I will have you know that I'm plenty mature and experienced."

Kurama: "Experienced, no. Mature, questionable."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Hiei...why are you following Yukina and Kuwabara on their date?"

Hiei: "I'm watching over her, Fox."

Kurama: "You know, it's a fine line between "watching over" and "stalking"."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "...You think I'm insane, don't you?"

Kurama: "Nonsense. Now, please excuse me while I slowly back away to what I deem as being a safe distance."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Nice try, Fox, but you are going to assist me. You're battling Fate here."

Kurama: "Hiei, if you do not let go of me in two seconds, you're going to be battling liquid Cheer with Color Guard."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: (climbing in through window) "What is that?"

Kurama: (doesn't look up) "My people call them 'books'."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: (knocking on Kurama's bedroom window) "Kurama? Are you in there?"

Kurama: "No. I'm taking it easy in Tahiti for a few days."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Can I help?"

Shizuru: "Not unless you can perform a miracle."

Kurama: "What's your budget?"

===========================================
===========================================

Random Female Student: (looking out window) "Minamino-senpai, your trio of delinquent boyfriends are doing something stupid outside."

Kurama: (focused on book) "You need to provide more details than that. Also, none of them are my boyfriends--I'm their babysitter."

Chapter Text

Hiei: "I don't have time for your stupidity."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Why doesn't anyone appreciate my bitterness and sarcasm as much as I do?"

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I fear no man." (beat) "But that thing..." (stares at Kuwabara with car keys) "...it scares me."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "You okay there, Hiei?"

Hiei: "Too many people. Not enough evacuation routes."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I can't have this on my conscience."

Yusuke: "You don't have a conscience."

Hiei: "What I meant was, I don't feel like it."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "We, uh, have a problem."

Hiei: "No, you have a problem. I have a pair of idiots who keep making them."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: (reading questionnaire) "Huh..."do you ever feel like you're wasting your life"?"

Hiei: "Only when I'm awake."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "You don't respect me at all, do you?"

Hiei: "It's not personal."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Guess what I've got?!"

Hiei: "An annoying personality?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Anger issues?"

Hiei: "I was basically raised on spite and aggression. Shut it, Fox."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "...Oh fuck."

Kurama: "What?"

Hiei: "I need you to kill me. NOW."

Kurama: "Excuse me?"

Hiei: "I'm sympathizing with the idiot. I need to die, Fox."

Kurama: "Knowing you, Hiei, you'd just survive it so killing you wouldn't do any good."

Hiei: "Fuck my life."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Ready to go?"

Hiei: "I was ready to go before we got here."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Hiei, get down here. We need to chat."

Hiei: (napping in tree) "Come back with a warrant."

===========================================
===========================================

Botan: "Hiei--!!"

Hiei: "I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Wait a second here. Why is that when the Detective messes up, it's funny, but when I do it, I'm in trouble?"

Botan: "Yusuke's mess-ups are 'accidents' and never resulted in Lord Koenma sending out a subpoena."

Hiei: "How...do my mess-ups result in a sandwich?"

Chapter Text

Koenma: "Lovely." (beat) "Yusuke, do me a favor: when you find him...stick a rocket up his ass and light it."

===========================================
===========================================

Koenma: "Great...I've aged about 800 years just from tonight's episode of "Dumb Shit My Employees Do"."

===========================================
===========================================

Koenma: "I swear...the bills around here have quadrupled since I hired those four, but, hey, at least we've got good insurance."

George: "Sir, we have expensive insurance."

Koenma: "See first half of prior statement."

===========================================
===========================================

George: "Sir...where do you think you're going?"

Koenma: "Slowly insane."

===========================================
===========================================

Koenma: "Botan...look me in the eyes and tell me that these trainwrecks wouldn't stick a fork in an electric socket if they had the chance."

Botan: "Uh...er...I don't want to answer that, Sir." (beat) "Um, Kurama probably would--"

Koenma: "--Record everything and laugh? Yes, he would."

===========================================
===========================================

(after team-Yusuke does something REALLY stupid)

Botan: "Er...Are you well, Lord Koenma?"

Koenma: "I'm fine. I'm just debating on whether or not I should let this go or if I should just say "fuck it" and kill them all."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: (suspicious) "...Are you trying to comfort me or insult me?"

Koenma: "Take it as you will."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Is there a Hall of Fame for this kind of stuff?"

Koenma: "Yes, it's called "prison", Yusuke."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Permission to die?"

Koenma: "Permission denied."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Uh...hi, uh, Koenma."

Koenma: "As much as I hate to inject sanity into you guys' eternal quest for the Holy Fail...I have to ask what the actual fuck am I paying all of you for?"

Kuwabara: (to Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei) "Wait...you guys are getting paid?!"

Koenma: "Yusuke gets to keep living. Kurama and Hiei get to stay out of prison. I haven't quite figured out what to let you have."

Kuwabara: "Money maybe?"

Koenma: "Then I'd have to start giving them money that I don't have."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "Dude...how did he sprint up ten flights of stairs in ten seconds?!"

Koenma: "Never underestimate the speed and stamina of a man running for his life."

===========================================
===========================================

Kuwabara: "All right. Answer me this. Can you tell me, with any certainty, that there isn't intelligent life on other planets?"

Koenma: "Kuwabara, at the moment, I'm not sure that there's intelligent life on this planet."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "That...that isn't a real word."

Koenma: "It came out of my mouth, didn't it?"

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "Why are you making this worse?"

Koenma: "I tried to make it better, but no one was going for it."

===========================================
===========================================

Kurama: "No, no, I can't do that. It'd be against my moral compass."

Koenma: "Your moral compass is a roulette wheel!!"

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I gave you a reasonable explanation!"

Koenma: "No. You gave me an 'explanation', Hiei. If it's 'reasonable' or not will need to be determined by a jury of your peers."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "I want him punished severely for this!"

Koenma: (deadpan) "Okay. Somebody get the cheese grater."

===========================================
===========================================

Hiei: "Sure, I'll get right on that...when Hell freezes over."

Koenma: "Pretty sure I know several people who can arrange that."

Chapter Text

Kurama: "And now this is awkward."

Kuwabara: "Yeah. Wake-up-in-a-cold-sweat-ten-years-later-and-have-a-cringe-attack-about-it awkward."

Yusuke: "...Why must you be so specific?"

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Well, if I was a betting man--"

Kuwabara: "You are a betting man, Urameshi."

Yusuke: "True...but I never gamble when I'm naked. I've learned from my very public, costly, and police-adjacent mistakes."

Hiei: "...Please never tell me that story."

Yusuke: "I already regret telling you this much."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Okay...which one of you gets to gaslight me today?"

Kuwabara: "Pretty sure it's Kurama's turn."

Hiei: "It's always the Fox's turn."

Kurama: "Don't tempt me to convince you to wear a cloak made out of tinfoil, Hiei."

===========================================
===========================================

Yusuke: "Look, let's just tell Botan where we're going so we don't wake up microchipped and GPS-tagged one day."

Kuwabara: "I...would Botan really do that?"

Kurama: "Unfortunantely, it is not outside of the realms of possibility."

Botan: (off-camera) "I can hear you!"

Hiei: "We know we're bugged, woman!!"

Chapter Text

Yusuke: "That's both rude and accurate, and I'm not sure what I'm more offended by."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Have you lost what's left of your mind or had a stroke recently?! What's actually wrong with you?!"

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Okay, no, dude...at this point, you're literally just too stupid to insult. I'm out."

==========================================
==========================================

Keiko: "Huh, usually you're more subtle, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "You take that back! Never on my ass've I been 'subtle'."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "What do you think of his execution?"

Yusuke: "Right now, I'm all for it."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Urameshi, seriously? Do you have to fall asleep while I'm talking?"

Yusuke: "No. It's purely voluntary."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Someone really needs to hit that guy."

Yusuke: "Okay...who're we punching into new lifestyle choices?"

==========================================
==========================================

Botan: "Yusuke. What. The. F--"

Yusuke: "--Look, let's just call this situation "my dumbassery" and be done with it, okay?"

==========================================
==========================================

Botan: "I don't hear you complaining, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "Gimme a minute, Botan. I'm just getting warmed up."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Those are Layman's terms, of course."

Yusuke: "Fuck Layman's terms, Foxboy! Do you speak Japanese?!"

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "I swear that I can hear Koenma's blood pressure rising from here."

Yusuke: "I swear that Koenma's blood pressure's a fucking pogo stick at this point."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Are you gonna provide emotional support or do I need to lie face-down in bed and scream for five hours?"

Kurama: "You were most likely going to do that anyway, Yusuke."

Yusuke: "True, but I like options, Foxboy."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Huh...hey, Hiei, do you think that crabs think fish are flying?"

Hiei: "...How high are you, Detective?"

Yusuke: "5' 5"."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "The human body's kinda incredible if you really think about it. Like, right now, if I wanted, I could do just like 15% of a backflip and just totally wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk."

Hiei: "...Do...I need to call someone to give you a hug, Detective?"

Chapter Text

Kuwabara: "I'm sorry but, no. You break all the laws of physics and somehow think there's not gonna be a price?!"

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "I...got questions. First of all: why? Second of all: WHY?!!"

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "You are a sad, strange little man and you have my pity."

==========================================
==========================================

Shizuru: "Uh...what's going on in here, Kazuma?"

Kuwabara: "No clue. I fell asleep for, maybe forty-five minutes, and woke up to Urameshi assembling an IKEA bookshelf." (beat) "Don't really know where the bookshelf came from either."

==========================================
==========================================

Shizuru: "So...how'd you guys' meeting with the Boss Baby go?"

Kuwabara: "Koenma spent the whole hour screeching at us like an angry seagull."

Shizuru: "Is that good?"

Kuwabara: "Better than I thought it'd be considering Urameshi and Hiei devolved that entire mission into a prison riot in record time."

Shizuru: "...How do you know it was a record?"

Kuwabara: "George put it on the board of "Team Idiots' Top 5 Fuck-Ups"."

Shizuru: "There's a Top 5?!"

Kuwabara: "Originally it was "Top 10", but looking at that gave Koenma an ulcer."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "So...I drank hot sauce today..."

Kuwabara: "Which can also translate as "I'm a dumbass"."

Yusuke: "Yes, you are."

Kuwabara: "I didn't drink the hot sauce."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "If humans can't see air, can fish see water?"

Yusuke: "Uh...what?"

Kuwabara: "Humans can't see air, but we can see water...so does that mean that fish can't see water, but they can see air?"

Yusuke: "Kurama!! Stop giving him the good shit!!"

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Huh...that could be fun."

Kuwabara: "You and me gotta have a talk about the meaning of that word, Urameshi. It doesn't mean what you think it means."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "I don't want to do this, so...should we just let Kurama handle it?"

Kuwabara: "I'm pretty sure that siccing Kurama on people is a violation of the Geneva Convention, Urameshi."

Yusuke: "Is...that something I'm supposed to be going to or...?"

Kuwabara: "It's something you, Kurama, and Hiei need to stop trying to check off your bucket lists."

==========================================
==========================================

Botan: "You seem stressed, Kuwabara."

Kuwabara: "I'm fine. Just...thinking about how I'm 90% sure I'm guilty-by-association of so many warcrimes just because I know Kurama and Hiei."

Botan: "Oh. That. No worries, Lord Koenma has promised to be gentle with you."

Kuwabara: "...That's about as reassuring as a promise of "I won't drink tonight" from Urameshi."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Is...is Yusuke speaking a known language, or is this one that he's made up?"

Kuwabara: "He's speaking "completely hammered"." (beat) "I'm fluent." (beat) "Against my will."

Kurama: "Oh, I see." (beat) "So...what is he saying then?"

Kuwabara: "That he's about to do his Mario impression. Grab him."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Uh huh...should I ask?"

Kuwabara: "Oh, I don't know...how much of my dignity do you think I've got left?"

==========================================
==========================================
(over Koen-phone communicator)

Kuwabara: "Okay, no prob. I can be there in fifteen."

Kurama: "It...it takes twenty minutes to get here?"

Kuwabara: "I got a car, a "live and let die" attitude, and I can pull off getting there in ten if I ignore a few laws of physics."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "What the hell is so funny?"

Kuwabara: "Me and Kurama've been slipping food into Urameshi's backpack for two weeks and I'm pretty sure he thinks there's a beef jerky fairy."

Hiei: "...why do I associate with you people?"

Kuwabara: "Court order."

Chapter Text

Kurama: "You are what the French call les incompetents."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "I'm sorry, but what language is that? Could you rephrase it in one of the seven languages that I speak?"

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Well...I would have to say that this' as close as we'll get to a dead ancestor appearing in the sky and telling us to get our collective shit together."

==========================================
==========================================

Random Demon: "I can't bear fools."

Youko Kurama: "Apparently your mother could."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Well, I think--!!"

Kurama: "Yusuke, your opinions are valid, but I'm the one with the megaphone so sit down and shut the hell up."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Good morning, Yusuke. Coffee's ready downstairs, you didn't puke last night, Kuwabara's car is fine and in the the downstairs garage, Kuwabara is still asleep on my couch, Hiei is paying his alms to the porcelain deity while praying for the sweet release of death, and, as far as I know, there are no warrants out for our arrest."

Yusuke: (groans) "Thanks for the morning report."

Kurama: "You're welcome." (pauses at the door) "By the way, how is your hangover? I left aspirin and a water bottle on the nightstand. Also, what kind of meats do you want with the eggs that I'm making?"

Yusuke: "You're the greatest, Foxboy."

Kurama: "Tell me something that I don't already know."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "What did you do now, Foxboy?"

Kurama: "Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again." (beat) "I really need to watch myself."

Yusuke: "You could just, you know, cut your hair and ditch the pink?"

Kurama: "Where's the fun in that, Yusuke?"

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "You may test your assumption at your earliest convenience."

Yusuke: "Please test your assumption. We haven't seen him fuck somebody up in weeks."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Unorthodox display of hubris, but very well."

Kuwabara: "I got no clue what you just said, but I kinda like it."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Let me get this straight: you want me to make snacks for...wait, what's the occasion again?"

Kuwabara: "Study group." (beat) "What says "sorry for being an hour late"?"

Kurama: "Being on time."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Uh...what do we do now?"

Kurama: "Running would be an excellent idea."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "Get off my sheet, Fox."

Kurama: "Technically that's my sheet, and what do you intend to do if I don't?"

Hiei: "I'll...just walk out of here."

Kurama: "I'll let you."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "This looks awful."

Kurama: "That's because it's on you, Hiei."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: (to Botan) "Well, if you didn't have all of those ice cream emergencies, woman, you would probably be what the Detective and the idiot call a "perfect 10"."

Kurama: "Oh, Hiei...Hiei, Hiei...you are...oh god." (dragging Yusuke and Kuwabara away) "Come on, let's get out of here before the explosions start."

==========================================
==========================================

Random Bad Guy: "You will find that 'fear' is not in my vocabulary."

Kurama: "Perhaps...but it is in your eyes."

Chapter Text

Hiei: "Were you always this stupid or did you take classes?"

=========================================
=========================================

Hiei: "Calling you 'stupid' would be an insult to stupid people."

=========================================
=========================================

Hiei: "Have I given you any indication, at all, that I care?"

=========================================
=========================================

Yusuke: (incoherent scream-cursing)

Hiei: (deadpan) "He says with full emotion."

=========================================
=========================================

Yusuke: "Look, it just looks worse than it actually is."

Hiei: "Detective, has that statement, even once in your life, ever been remotely true?"

=========================================
=========================================

Hiei: "The Fox said for you to eat this, so eat it."

Yusuke: "What are you? My nutritionist?"

Hiei: "Unimpressed is what I am. Now eat, Detective."

=========================================
=========================================

Kuwabara: "I can handle him."

Hiei: "You couldn't handle him if he came with instructions."

=========================================
=========================================

Kuwabara: "You're questioning my methods."

Hiei: "I'm not questioning your methods. I'm saying that your methods are stupid."

=========================================
=========================================

Kurama: (over the Koen-phone) "Of course, Koenma. I'll let everyone know. We would be delighted to have you."

Hiei: "I heard the word 'we' just now. Don't drag me into this, Fox."

=========================================
=========================================

Kurama: "Hiei, you owe me at least four favors that I can think of, and I'm cashing in."

Hiei: "Fuck that, Fox. I owe you one and a half favors, that's it."

Kurama: "Yukina, Botan, Shizuru, and Mukuro."

Hiei: "The shinigami and the idiot's sister don't count, and I would have figured out how to avoid Mukuro mounting me on a plaque on her wall, without your help."

=========================================
=========================================

Kurama: "Hiei, you need anger management."

Hiei: "I do not need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off."

=========================================
=========================================

Botan: "Hiei, did you steal this?"

Hiei: "I didn't steal it." (beat) "I permanently borrowed it."

=========================================
=========================================

Hiei: "I have a plan."

Botan: "No murder."

Hiei: "I do not have a plan."

=========================================
=========================================

Botan: "See if you can talk some sense into him, Hiei."

Hiei: "Bold of you to assume that sense is something that the Detective will listen to."

=========================================
=========================================

Keiko: "EXCUSE ME?!?!"

Hiei: "Not sure where you're going, but you're excused."

=========================================
=========================================

Yukina: (to Kuwabara) "Aww. All of you really put aside everything and came all this way for me?" (beat) "Wait...how exactly did all of you even get here so fast?"

Hiei: "Several traffic violations, four counts of resisting arrest, and roughly thirteen cans of assorted energy drinks." (beat) "Also, that isn't the idiot's car."

Chapter Text

Botan: "What happened?"

Yusuke: "Skydiving accident."

Kurama: "He fell off of a chair trying to dry his hair with the ceiling fan."

Yusuke: "Also true."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "I wonder what'd happen if I put powdered milk into carbonated water?"

Kurama: "Don't do it."

Yusuke: "...My cereal's loud and demanding to know why I'd sin against both God and Nature so thoughtlessly."

Kuwabara: "...How's it taste?"

Yusuke: "Bad."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "When I jump off of here, you guys'll have to give me some respect!!"

Yusuke: (holding a megaphone) "Kuwabara, you jump off of there, and the only respect you're getting's gonna be respect for the dead!!"

Hiei: (shoves Yusuke; grabs megaphone) "DO A FLIP!!!"

Kurama: "HIEI."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: (races in; leans on door) "Who wants to make five hundred yen?"

Yusuke: (suspicious) "How?"

Kuwabara: "I need someone to take the fall." // Shizuru: (outside of the door) "Oh my god."

Kurama: "Kuwabara, what did you do?"

Kuwabara: "I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked." // Shizuru: (outside of the door) "Oh my GOD!!!"

Yusuke: "Make it a thousand." // Shizuru: (outside of door) "OH MY GOD!!!"

Yusuke: "Also, pay up front."

Kuwabara: "Done. You're a good man." (manhandling Yusuke out the door) "I GOT HIM!!! I GOT HIM, SIS, DON'T WORRY!!!"

Chapter Text

Yusuke: "I say more dumb things before 9 AM than most people say all day."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the hell's going on."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "What, and I cannot stress this enough, the FUCK?!!"

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Uh, you're glaring at me. What'd I do besides break my arm again?"

Keiko: "You outed several mortifying and very private secrets to the nurses in the ER."

Yusuke: "Huh. Okay, so...painkillers are NOT my friends."

==========================================
==========================================

Keiko: "Yusuke! Where have you been?! I've been texting you since yesterday!!"

Yusuke: "Sorry. I took melatonin and Benadryl at the same time and teleported twelve hours into the future."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Yusuke: "You mean today or, like, in general?"

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: (after getting shoved over a railing) "Dude, what the hell?!

Kuwabara: (crouching down and whispering)

Yusuke: "Oh. That's what's up? Go 'bout your business."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "What are we doing?"

Yusuke: "Wasting our lives?"

Kuwabara: "I meant for lunch, Urameshi."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Do you know anything about science?"

Yusuke: "I've seen every episode of Star Trek."

Kurama: "I'll use short words."

==========================================
==========================================

BattleKingOfTheRing: Hey Foxboy
BattleKingOfTheRing: Do you or your mom know how to sew?

My mother does. :RedRoseBandit
Why? :RedRoseBandit

BattleKingOfTheRing: Split my jeans running
BattleKingOfTheRing: Down to my boxer shorts
BattleKingOfTheRing: ETA 10 minutes

Shall I have the window open or would you like to come through the door like a normal person this time? :RedRoseBandit

BattleKingOfTheRing: Does it matter?
BattleKingOfTheRing: Your neighbors are gonna see me and start gossiping no matter what choice I make

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "You can't possibly be this stupid, Detective."

Yusuke: "Don't underestimate me."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "You idiot."

Yusuke: "I'm sure you're right, but why?"

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "Hmm? What's this? Mexican champagne?"

Genkai: "It is. I don't mess around."

Yusuke: "Well alright." (beat) "...That is tequila."

Chapter Text

Kuwabara: "Life with you guys can be described in one of two phrases: "controlled chaos" or "batshit bonkers"."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Nope. Not goin' there! That's a thought down which lies the path of nightmares and cold sweats, and I refuse to ponder it!"

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "I'm gonna play you a song. It's called "My Life So Far"." (strums guitar) [incoherent screaming]

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "I'm gonna be home late. Gonna go hang out."

Shizuru: "With friends?"

Kuwabara: "No. With terrorists."

Shizuru: "Ah, Yusuke, the redhead, and the spiky-haired guy then."

Kuwabara: "I'll call if we get arrested."

Shizuru: "I'll come point and laugh."

==========================================
==========================================

SoOverIt: Can you preheat the apartment? I'm on my way home.

What are you, Sis? Banana bread? :SwordMasterK

SoOverIt: Be very careful with what you say next, Kazuma.

Genkai demanded all of us show up at her temple tomorrow. She sounded pissed so I got way worse to be afraid of. :SwordMasterK

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "I wouldn't call Koenma right now. He's had a cactus up his ass for the last two days."

Kuwabara: "Uh...okay?"

Yusuke: "Figuratively speaking, of course."

Kuwabara: "Of course." (beat) "So what did you do this time, Urameshi?"

Yusuke: "Your suspicion wounds me."

Kuwabara: "Your habit of pissing off a god wounds me."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Okay so, the power went out then came back on while I was asleep and my whole room was bright red 'cause of my LED lights, so I thought I woke up in Hell."

Yusuke: "Considering your decorating tastes--"

Kuwabara: "You've got no room to talk. Shut it."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Do you need a break?"

Kuwabara: "I need a six-month vacation twice a year."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Why is Yusuke getting that look from Master Genkai?"

Kuwabara: "He was telling a story and forgot to leave out the illegal parts...again."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Are you alright?"

Kuwabara: "I'm fine. I'd really love to speak to whoever I pissed off in a past life though."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "...What. The. Fuck."

Kuwabara: "Yeah. Drunk Urameshi's one brazen sonuvabitch. (beat) You'll get used to it."

Hiei: "I...I don't want to."

Kuwabara: "Too bad, Shortstack...now help me get him out of the fountain and back into pants before someone calls the cops."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "So why is the detective not here?"

Kuwabara: "He was blowing out a candle and his hair caught fire so he had to shave his head...then he saw what he looks like bald and now he's having an identity crisis."

Hiei: (stares WTF-edly)

Kuwabara: "I'm giving him another hour before I buy a cheap wig, get Kurama to cut and style it, and then go slap it on his head and drag him back to the real world."

Hiei: "...I need to stop asking you idiots questions."

Chapter Text

Kurama: "I regret nothing. The end"

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "It's just like you three to run head-first into a wall, willing the wall to rebuild itself around yourselves."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "Now, now...we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: "This was a trap, Foxboy."

Kurama: "You can call it that. I call it 'insurance'."

==========================================
==========================================

Yusuke: (waking up after a fight) "Ow. That hurt."

Kurama: "You'll live, Yusuke. But...if your vision does happen to grow dark, please do us all a favor by trying to stay away from the tunnel of light."

Yusuke: "No promises."

==========================================
==========================================

Kurama: "It is rather weird when you think about it."

Yusuke: "What is?"

Kurama: "Nighttime is the natural state of the universe, and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of gas and flame."

Yusuke: "...Why do you have to fuck me up like this?"

Kurama: "Entertainment."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Did you ever do anything totally by mistake that you weren't very proud of?"

Kurama: "No."

==========================================
==========================================

Kuwabara: "Kinda sad to think about how it only takes three generations before someone's forgotten."

Kurama: "Not exactly true. My mother's great-uncle is still the reason that it's illegal to operate a tractor while drunk."

Kuwabara: (stares WTF-edly)

Kurama: "If you want to be remembered, may I suggest, as Yusuke might say, "fucking it up" so spectacularly that they create new laws and two-hour-long safety seminars about it?"

Kuwabara: "...Don't give Urameshi ideas."

==========================================
==========================================
(while watching Yusuke and Kuwabara FAIL in a most epic fashion)

Hiei: (deadpan) "...Amazing."

Kurama: "Well, even I have to admit that this level of clusterfuck is kind of impressive."

==========================================
==========================================

Hiei: "Not that I actually care...but is the idiot well?"

Kurama: "Oh, Kuwabara is fine. Yusuke just did something that caused him to experience forty panic attacks in the span of ten seconds."

Hiei: "Again?"

Kurama: "Again."

==========================================
==========================================

Keiko: "What are you legally?"

Kurama: "Pretty sure that I'm legally dead."

==========================================
==========================================

Keiko: "Huh. Listen to this: "if you drink forty-two cups of coffee in one sitting, the caffeine overdose would kill you"."

Kurama: "I see. So...forty-one is the limit, correct?"

Keiko: (stares WTF-edly)

Kurama: "And if I may, how exactly are they defining "one sitting"?"

Keiko: "...I'm, uh, just gonna shoot Yusuke a quick text."