Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Life had a meaning right?

With her mother behind bars and no one she loved within a 30mile radius - except Lucky of course - life didn't seem to have the same meaning as before though.

Nowadays, she spent her nights patrolling - spent her days working and sleeping - running around trying to get on track with all the unfinished business her mom left behind.

Her mother's secretary did a lot of the work - the one that always said Kate was too incompetent to work in such a big company - now barely coming behind schedule because Kate was working 16 hours a day.

That poor woman even got a payment raise just because she insisted on staying by Kate’s side even though she could go home.

And the woman literally told Kate to take a day off the second she found the archer passed out in those gigantic chairs vast asleep in her 5 minutes break.

Which was actually a 30 minutes break but give it to Kate to cut off her time to relax just to get work done.

And yes. That woman - the one that never told anyone to take a break. The stone-cold muse.

What made Kate special? Why was everyone suddenly starting to pity her? Treat her like a child? She was a grown ass adult. Maybe not as old as one but she could still manage.

'I love you' ringed in her head.

'I'm sorry mom. I love you.' it wouldn't go away.

'I'm ok Clint. I love you.' stop!

'I'm gonna miss having you around. Love you-' FUCK. Shut the fuck up - brain. Stop. Stop reminding her of the things she craved but never got to keep! Stop reminding her of the people she held onto for dear life, who didn't want her back. Just stop thinking. Stop feeling so miserable! So numb and powerless and empty!

So she sat there on the desk - pen in her hand and a tablet underneath - scratching payment after payment - design after design - commission after commission - day after day after day...

She's got a good schedule - everything planned and organized one might say - baffled over the amount of chaos that laid on Kate's desk - in her mother's office - in her office.

The Barton's would call every day. Sometimes it was for a short time sometimes it was for hours.

Cooper would brable and fangirl with her over literally anything they had in common - which was most things.

Lila would complain about how life was so boring without a cool big sister.

Nate would just try to get Lucky's attention.

Laura would scold her on taking breaks and taking time off. Not everyone survived being beaten up by Fisk and walking away with some cool ass scars. Kate just smiled and nodded.

They both know that isn't going to happen.
They both repeated the process every day.

She didn't tell her about how she didn't really know how to cook, or how she stopped taking her medication, stopped drinking tea and replaced it with coffee.

Clint seemed to like her too. He obviously made more time for his kids and of course he would - it was the Hawkeye - he loved his kids.

But everything nice has to come to an end eventually.

Cooper and her would only text every day.

Lila would call once a week.

Laura continued calling every day just to make Kate go to sleep or eat.

Clint and Nate disappeared out of the picture completely. Leaving an empty spot in her heart.

Just like her mother did. Just like Yelena did - when she left without a personal goodbye.

Hello Little Hawk,

Sorry for beating you up and flinging you off a roof. It was nice meeting you. Maybe someday when I come to New York we could meet again. I am keeping that drink on my mind. Sadly I have to go - work can't wait. It was fun running around with you. I hope you have a nice life afterwards - I for sure know I will. As they say - you always meet two times in life.

Bye Little Hawk
~ White Widow

Ah, she changed her name. Paying respect to her sister.

The little note hung on her fridge pinned with a magnet. Kate couldn't make herself throw it away. At least Yelena cared enough to write a note.

It all felt empty now. Numb. Not even miserable any more - there was just nothing she could feel. Nothing she could try and grab - hold onto.

Yea being Hawkeye was cool. She got free food because everyone loved her - everyone loved the walls she built up to protect herself. The sad part being that those walls were once her. Her personality - who she was as a person.

Bubbly, cheerful, sassy. All gone. Gone because of what?

"I'm gonna miss having you around." Laura said pulling Kate into a hug. "Love you." something stung her heart. She didn't know if it was happiness or pain.

"I'm gonna be fine." she smiled at Clint as they stood in front of her house. The two weeks vacation were over Kate. It's time to start living again.

"I know kid." he said and softly wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"If you need anything. I'm just a call away." he said and Kate curled her fingers around his shirt.

'Don’t go' she wanted to say 'Please don't leave me alone.'

He did just that.

'I can't make it.'

He left.

With her suitcase by her side and Lucky's leash in her hand she watched Clint drive off. To his family. His loved ones.

While she stood here - keys getting twirled between her fingers - unable to make herself open the door.

And she will never forget the emptiness she felt when entering.

The echoing steps - chills rushing down her spine. Cold.

The quiet, the stillness, the silence...

Lucky's paws crossing the floor echoed through the tall ceiling and hollow walls.

Key's jingling louder than the cold winter air brushing her hair.

And it was quiet.

Dark.

Empty.

Numb.

Just like the feeling in her chest.

She knew her mother deserved going to prison. She knew it had to happen. She also knew she'd pull some strings and get out of prison in less than a month.

But a month turned two - then two turned three and now it's early April - three months after her mother was sent to prison and she was already a target.

Kate didn’t know what she expected to be honest. Did she expect to hear from it on another way than the TV? Absolutely not. Her mother despised her - she never answered when Kate tried calling and when she did, it was just so she can rent about how ungrateful Kate is and how Kate should be in her place instead. Of course, she didn't expect the police to step in her office and tell her her mother was murdered.

She never believed it would happen but it did. And nothing can change it.

Death was natural and as much as Kate didn't want it - she had to keep it together until the nice police officer, probably in her late thirties - black hair - tall as fuck stopped explaining.

She first explained what happened and what will happen. But Kate couldn't listen - she probably looked like an idiot with her stupidly red cheeks and nose trying to keep herself from crying.

The police left after some time - and Kate sacked back into that stupidly big chair of hers. Her mother's chair.

She was sitting in her mother's chair on her mother's desk in her mother's office while her mother was dead.

Wow.

Time stopped - the chirping birds didn't sing any more. She couldn't hear anything, vision still blurry and head sending earthquakes through her brain. The burning in her eyes didn't help and the trobbing feeling in her nose and lips seemed to never leave her alone.

She didn't know when she stoop up - the clock just continued ticking and everything Kate wanted to do was throw it away, break it in two and send it flying out of the window - despite that she took her jacket and walked out - slowly closing the door behind her.

"Miss Bishop." a voice ringed into her ear "Are you ok? What happened?" Kristina - her secretary - shuffled through some paperwork on her desk.

"My mother's dead." Kate deadpanned staring in her eyes. Oh they are nearly just as brown as her mothers. Why did people seem so similar? "I'm taking the week off." she shuddered and let go of the door handle she didn't even know she was gripping - crossing the place as if she owned it. Because she did.

-

Missed calls - just a minute longer - the lights stayed off - just five minutes longer - Lucky started whining - just an hour longer.

Three days since her mother was attacked and Kate is still in bed - trying to make sense of this all.

Sometimes - in the last few weeks that is - she'd stay in bed for hours on end - coffee didn't help anyone, nor did coffein - the exhaustion wouldn't leave - it would just cuff her to the bed and hold her down whenever she tried to get up.

An hour longer. Then it turned into two.

Before the murder - she stayed in bed until Kristina called - asking if she'd come today.

"I'm sorry I overslept." Kate would mutter - having a total amount of zero hours of energy under her eyes.

She would take Lucky to work and let him run around but he never left her side and attacked nearly everyone that came too close to her. Or speak louder - move rusher.

And Kristina made her eat - she'd bring homemade pasta or mushed potatoes.

She made her tea that made her sleepy. Surprisingly it helped.

Kate would be lying if she said she wasn't grateful.

But after her mother was killed - her face all over the news - she went home and curled up in a ball and sobbed.

Life lost it's meaning a long time ago. But having people leave her from all sides - drop-dead from every corner...

And it's been three days since her mother died. It's been two days since her phone wouldn't stop ringing. A day since she even thought of getting up - failing.

She didn't draw any more, she didn't take Lucky for walks. She didn't patrol the streets at night - she didn't make people smile.

She tried convincing herself that it was because of her mother - but she knew better than that. It started weeks ago - this just made the pain worse.

And Kristina took care of it all - the funeral - the flowers - all the bullshit that needed to be done. She tried reaching out - Kate ignored the phone calls.

She just laid in bed - no tears left to cry - no sobs left to swallow.

The air hanging heavy around her - blinding, stiff - making it heard to breathe.

Soft April rain falling against the windows - leaving trails of water slowly slide down. Blue.

She didn’t go to the funeral - she just couldn't get out of bed.

Chapter Text

Anger fuming out of her ears - leaving her nose and cheeks red - chest tight - stomach clenched.

And all the memories. Everything that happened - for nothing!

The pain - the loneliness - the suffering - the heartbreak.

All those scars deeply carved into her heart and skin. Red, raw, bold. For nothing.

Not being able to go home to her mother awaiting her.
Not being able to make new memories and spend more time with her.

And the house was quiet. If you thought that last time was quiet - then you couldn't even start imagining how quiet it was now.

Because at first the house was only empty - her mother wasn't here. She was going to come through. Someday. So it didn't feel all that empty.

But now she could feel the wind scratch the back of her neck as she walked through the place she once called home.

Footsteps echoing - eyes glistening a numb brown full of tears treating to spill.

She roamed the house for hours. Thoughts haunting her, memories clogging her mind. Hell she didn't even realize her mother was actually gone until she stepped into her mother's room.

It was clean as always. Tidy and elegant.

Pictures on her desk - mostly of well herself but there were one or two with Kate and her smiling at the camera.

Kate holding up cotton candy and grinning at the camera while her mother looked down at her smiling. That was a year ago. When they went to Disneyland.

And she hated it. There was this tight feeling in her chest that finally snapped - anger boiling over when she glanced at a picture from her mother - standing in an expensive dress in front of a new restaurant subtly smiling while holding her expensive as fuck purse.

And Kate found herself aggressively sobbing at a picture. Jaw thence - hate filling her eyes.

The second time she saw the picture was when she went to her mother's grave - four days ago she died and was buried because of course she did - she was rich.

Kate decided to go there while it rained because if she were to cry like a fucking baby it would be harder to see - plus there were fewer people around. She didn't want human interaction.

"I hate you." she said balling her fists. Finally standing in front of the grave.

A gorgeous looking stone - the most elegant around.

"I want to fucking hate you - so hard!" tears now threatened to spill down her face.

Yup - that was the breaking point. Why was she so emotional??

"BUT I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH - I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF HATE YOU!" she took a step trying to drown a sob. Jaw thence - feeling the veins in her neck throb an uncomfortable rhythm.

"AND I WANT TO SCREAM IT IN YOUR FACE AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE YOU - BUT I CAN'T. BECAUSE YOU DIED! YOU FUCKING DIED!" and she let out the sob she held back unable to control it any more.

Shoulders trembling - chest aching.

"ARE YOU HAPPY? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? I FUCKING HATE YOU! AND EVERY TIME I WISHED DEATH UPON YOU I WISHED IT UPON MYSELF TEN TIMES!" wind blew her hair away as the sky turned darker and darker.

"AND EVERY TIME I HUGGED YOU I WISHED IT WOULD STAY LIKE THIS FOREVER! AND EVERY TIME YOU HIT ME I THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAULT! THAT I DID SOMETHING WRONG! AND NOW I KNOW I DIDN'T. AND I KNOW YOU KNEW TOO. BUT I CAN'T SCREAM IN YOUR FUCKING FACE BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DIED ON ME!" she was screaming like some fucking idiot but she did not hive a shit. As if her mother's ghost would just fly around in this tragically depressive graveyard.

"YOU'RE DEAD!" she sobbed feeling her knees weaken.

"AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D BE HAPPY WHEN YOU LET ME BE!" she said as she crashed to the ground feeling earthquakes rock her body.

"SO WHY DO I MISS YOU SO MUCH? WHY? HOW DO YOU HURT ME EVEN AFTER DEATH???"

Her hands finding their way into her hair and digging bloodied lines into her skull as she let out a scream.

Knees weak - shoulders shaking - she wrapped her arms around her chest wanting nothing more than this pain to stop.

And she screamed and sobbed and trashed and whined.

Tears streaming down her face like a waterfall. A tennis ball stuck in her chest - stopping her lungs from filling with oxygen. It pressed and squeeze and hurt. Pulling cry after cry, screams and sobs as the air hung sticky and heavy around her.

The rain hitting her back actually hurting as she sunk deeper and deeper into the mud surrounding her.

Empty - her heart was empty. And broken and gone. Everyone found a way to take a piece of it and never bring it back.

And she watched them smash it in thousands of little shards - getting lost beneath the ground.

Like her mother's corpse was right now - six feet under getting eaten by worms and slugs.

Kate wasn't a kid - she was an orphan.

She found herself in her mother's bed that night.

Curled up on her self - clawing at her ears - twisting the sheets and burying herself into them.

The scent of her mother's perfume still lingering underneath.

No more memories to make - no more Christmases, birthdays, mother's days, Easter.

No more movie nights, no more rich people parties, no more game nights.

Because her mother was dead. She was gone. And nothing in the world could bring her back.

Fresh food being made while her mother sat next to the cook and drank wine - the sweet smell of baked goods her mother would always buy...

She never wanted making them though. It was as if she only spent time with Kate whenever she wanted to - not when Kate needed her.

But it didn't matter now. Because she was dead. Collateral damage.

And Kate screamed sobs of hurt and agony - turning to pain and scars.

She didn't know when she stopped crying because of the now empty spot in her heart and started screaming because of the actual pain her body was in.

The tightness in her chest - pounding in her head.

Hell - she found herself craving what she always despised. The burning in her cheek - the purple turning yellow on her back and ribs. The verbal daggers that stabbed her in the gut.

She was finally free. From the hurt - the words - the pain. So why did her mother's death bring even more fuel to the flame?

She lost the people she considered parents a long time ago. Either because they were just not her parents or they didn't want her around.

Clint when he stopped calling.

Eleanor when she went to prison.

Jack when he took all the swords and disappeared leaving a note: I am sorry sweetie but I don't think I am the father you deserve.

Derek when he fucking died.

Laura will probably stop calling too - when she find out about how fucked up Kate is.

And Kate would be alone. Only Lucky on her side.

She was too blind to see that it had already happened.

Hope dies last they say.

But it still dies.

Chapter Text

The first red sign after knocking on the door was the fact that Kate didn't answer it.

So they ringed. Clint looking around and turning on his heel multiple times wishing a bird would fly by chattering a sweet tunes. It didn't - it was night.

And they ringed again. Laura continuing to twirl her ring around her fingers growing impatient and worried with every passing second.

They ringed again. Oh, come on Kate. You've got to be home. There was no way she'd be somewhere else because there was literally nowhere she could go.

Oh, wow. Now that she thinks about it - there is so much wrong with that - she doesn't even know where to begin.

How could she let a kid alone in a world that only tried to hurt her-

And just as she was about to turn to Clint the door clicked open just enough for a foggy eye to peak from the crack.

"Hey." Laura smiled with a wave staying where she was. Clint's boots stopped moving around too.

"Um... Hi." it was low and sleepy-

And Laura had to physically restrain herself from clenching at her heart from the rasp in Kate's voice.

The kid slowly opened the door coming into view and letting the now visible knife chatter to the ground.

Laura couldn't tell if she knew she let it fall or if she didn't even notice.

Dark bags hung under the archer's eyes as her hair fell in front of her face. The once perfectly cut curtain bangs now six centimetres longer - overly big clothes handing from Kate’s shoulders.

The clothes she wore when she stayed over...

Within a second the golden fleck that was standing in front of the girl perked up and ran over staring to jump and run in circles like the joyful dog he is.

" 'm sorry for the wait." Kate muttered but Laura didn't care. She just took a step towards Kate softly wrapping her arms around the kid's shoulders - tightening the embrace when Kate’s breath hitched.

Since when were the archer's shoulders so bony?

It took Kate two breaths later to slowly slip her arms around Laura - holding her loosely - fingers curling painfully around the soft fabric of Laura's shirt. Her face buried in Laura's neck like the last time she hugged her.

And the archer let go of the embrace clearing her throat - sniffing before she flicked a finger at her nose.

"Um-. Well. Come in." she offered and moved to the side letting Laura and Clint walk in.

There was no word spoken between the two archers - only an exchange of glances.

Kate kept her gaze fixed on the ground only glancing up occasionally - hiding behind her already outgrown hair.

"Sorry for the mess. I just - mh. Don't - Didn't ..." and she continued to mumble something that even she herself couldn't understand.

"Honey the messy house is our last worry." Laura said and the flicker of pain and guilt in Kate's eyes didn't miss her sight.

"Hey. It's going to be ok." she reached out to grab Kate's shoulder but the kid looked to the ground.

"So you know..."

How long did Kate go without talking? Her voice did not have the normally joyful and fun melody to it. Probably because there was nothing joyous and fun about your dead mother.

"Katie it's been days and it's all over the news." Laura said "You wouldn't answer. We got worried."

"I-" the poor kid seemed at a loss for words. And she fiddled around with her sleeve while tears stung her eyes.

"It's ok. You don't have to say anything Honey." Laura smiled down at the archer and slowly lead her over to the couch where they both got seated.

"Hey. Don't hyperventilate on me here." she smiled and Kate just turned to the other side drying off the tears.

"I'm sorry." she whispered.

"For what Katie?" there is literally nothing Kate should be sorry about.

"For not answering, for this mess, for making you come here, for making you see me like - this." she said and there was such a strong undertone of spite in her voice that it pulled at her heart having to listen to it.

"Katie. We came because we wanted to - not because you made us and there is nothing wrong with crying." she said and reached out to make Kate look at her.

"I'm sor-"

"Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault." she smiled at those deep brown eyes clogged by darkness and glistering tears.

"I shouldn't have called the police. I should have shut my stupid mouth and just let her be." Kate greeted her teeth failing to hold back those begging tears.

"Kate-"

"I just thought that." she cut her off and took a sharp breath "I just thought that if I defeat Fisk she will be proud of me and I-" she hick upped rubbing at her left eye to stop the tears. "And I tell myself that maybe she was a good person. Maybe she didn't kill him." there seemed to be a conflict reflecting in Kate's eyes "but in the end she still killed him and I couldn't - couldn't just let her go."

And Kate was now full on shaking, trembling, tears streaming down her cheeks as she aggressively tried to get rid of them.

So Laura pulled her into a hug. Letting her shrink and claw herself onto Laura hiding her face in the agent's neck while she combed through her hair.

"Kate. You did the right thing. You did something not everyone is able to do. That's what makes you a hero." Laura said and placed a little kiss in Kate's hair "What happened in prison - no one could have seen it coming and being in prison probably gave her even more time than she would have had if she were out here." she said and she wanted to take away the hurt so badly.

To grab all the pain Kate had to suffer and throw it away. But she couldn't. They both knew that.

"I know it hurts and it will be a long time until you can finally accept the fact that she is gone and that this isn't your fault but until then I want you to come with us. Back to the farm and away from all this." Laura said and kissed Kate's temple.

Which was very hot to Laura's liking.

"I can't. I have a company to run." she choked out already hating the decision to actually talk.

"Kate that's nonsense. You are 22. You should live like one. Having to run a multimillion company isn't what a 22-year-old should do." Laura answered and she was right. Especially after your mother died.

Kate just continued shaking - trying to stop it but failing. She didn't know how much time had passed until the kid spoke up again.

"If I knew that not answering the phone will make you come I would have done that a long time ago." she whispered a low, raspy tone. Unnatural in Laura's ear.

And something about that sentence made Laura's heart run cold - having to hold back any emotion that was threatening to show.

"You were able to come whenever you needed to. I am sorry for not making it clear enough."

"But you - I'm. I'm just a stranger to you. I-"

"Shhh. You're not a stranger Honey. It's ok. You stopped being a stranger to me the second you set foot on my doorstep. And I wanted to come and check on you. We both did but there was so much work to be done and we had no time. We would never neglect you" she said and pressed a soft kiss on Kate’s temple again as the archer curled her fingers around Laura's shirt wanting to say something - anything. But nothing came expect more tears.

Hell she was so ashamed of herself she wasn't even able to look at Laura but something about this felt safe and Kate couldn't make herself let go.

"It's going to be ok Katie. I'm here for you. We're here for you." Laura lulled her.

"I just." it came out as a whisper - voice too hoarse and wobbly for something more.

"I'm just so tired." Kate said and drowned an upcoming hick up as best she could - snivelling.

"I know baby. I know." and Kate shut down completely - tightening her arms around the agent as she pressed her face into the side of Laura's neck trying to stop the sobs that shook her body and made her tremble like a wet kitten.

And Laura kissed her hair softly muttering into Kate's ear until the archer had barely any energy to even hold herself up while Laura hugged her as if her life depended on it - combing her fingers through her hair and softly scratched the back of Kate’s head.

"This is nice." Kate spoke after some time - voice raw and muffled.

"Yea it is." Laura said turning to kiss Kate’s hair *again*.

"I want you to go to bed now. And I want you to gulp down a glass of water and some hot chocolate because I don't want you dehydrating on me." Laura said and flicked at Kate’s nose.

The archer gave her the smallest of a smile - eyes closed nose and cheeks a puffy red.

"And then - when you have a little energy in that wobbly little body of yours, we are going to pack some stuff and get you home." she said and pinched Kate’s side - the kid let out a shriek.

"But I can't. I have work." Kate muttered wrapping her legs around Laura's waist and arms around her shoulders as her head slumped down.

No standing up then.

"Yea. Mental health work - the only thing you are going to work on is your mental health and that includes a lot of therapy." Laura said and Kate slowly let go of her rolling off.

"I can't sleep." she said - as if it were a fact.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"I don't kno - I don't remember." the archer turned away.

"When was the last time you ate?" Kate hugged her knees.

"I think we should go to the ER." Laura said

And Kate seemed like she didn't like the idea. But she didn't protest either so Laura placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled her up.