Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Say goodbye.”

The words floated off his tongue as he glared down at his prey, his own ears having a hard time believing them. Fire licked at his fingers, yet he couldn’t feel it; couldn’t feel its usual energy.

He couldn’t feel anything except the drive to destroy everything.

At first, the voice had been garbled, buzzing through the air like an annoying little fly.

Flies, Kai knew, were meant to be squashed. Especially when they wouldn’t leave you alone.

It was somewhat of an out-of-body experience. He was floating with his feet planted firmly on the ground, his best position of attack.

Attack!

He couldn’t ignore the commands that pummelled his brain. So, he had attacked. Attacked the fly as it buzzed around, zapping Kai only once with blue bolts of electricity.

Only… flies weren’t supposed to do that. Not any fly he knew, at least.

Attack!

“Kai!” The voice, he could hear it now. Why?

Blinking did nothing to clear his vision of that blue blur—the one he was meant to destroy for reasons he couldn’t quite understand.

“Stop!”

But that couldn’t be right. The commands in his head told him to go.

Somewhere beyond the haze, someone cried out. That wasn’t anything new, but for some reason, this cry pulled at Kai more than the others.

Begged him to stop.

Why…?

Attack!

“Kai, stop! This isn’t you! Kai, stop—!”

Another cry tugged at his eardrums seconds before he felt a bolt of lightning rattle his chest. He lost his balance, then. Tumbling down, down, down…

Pain exploded through his skull as it cracked against the hard floor.

And just as if someone had flicked a light switch, the voice in his head snapped off.

Silence.

Kai hated the silence—he always had.

This particular silence, however, cut far deeper than any other. This silence burned.

“What…?” He forced himself to his feet, clutching his head for dear life and blinking as the world gradually came into focus. “What the heck…?”

Where was everyone? He needed his team. They needed to finish—

The mission.

It all came rushing back with such force that he nearly toppled over again.

The mission.

The villain.

The needle.

The commands.

Jay.

It didn’t take more than a second to locate his teammate, crumpled in a corner against the wall. What took the longest was catching his breath as he took in all the damage surrounding the lonely figure.

Dying fires littered the room. Scorch marks painted the walls and floor.

In the middle of it all sat Jay, eyes wide as saucers.

“Jay!” He choked out, dashing toward his brother on shaky legs. “Jay, are you—?”

A choked gasp shredded his throat as Jay shrunk back, pressing himself further against the wall. Tendrils of blue danced in and out of his trembling fingers, his element at the ready.

“Jay…?” Kai reached out.

And Jay flinched.

“D-Don’t.”

He could breathe, couldn’t even gasp for air. It had all been knocked out of him. His brain sent panicked signals to his lungs, but they refused to kick back into gear.

That’s when Kai saw them.

The smoldering holes of blue fabric—and the angry patches of red marring the skin underneath.

Instinct had him retracting his hand, folding it against his chest.

“Jay, I…”

What?

Kai swallowed.

I did that…

The realization hit him with a slow vengeance, crushing his chest. Buckling, his knees smacked the floor with a sickening crack.

“Kai…?”

“I…” Kai shook his head. Breathe, idiot! “I didn’t… I didn’t mean—”

“I-It’s okay. Kai, it’s all right. ”

Jay’s soothing voice stood in stark contrast to the pain pooling from the young ninja’s eyes. The distrust.

The fear.

“Come on,” Jay continued. “Breathe, okay? You can breathe. Kai, it’s okay.”

A gasp tore from his throat as Kai sucked in a breath. He would not hyperventilate.

Just shut up and breathe. You’re fine.

You’re fine.

You’re—

A monster.

You did that.

“Breathe, Kai.” Jay’s voice floated somewhere along the edge of Kai’s rising hysteria. Even as he coached him, Kai noticed Jay never reached out—never moved from the safety of his corner.

You burned him.

“That’s it. Come on, breathe. You’re okay! I’m okay.”

“I…” Kai nodded, forcing his brain to believe Jay’s lies. Because they were lies. The way Jay’s eyes glistened with tears told him so. “Okay. Okay, I…”

Breathe.

Breathe…

The team. He needed the rest of the team. He needed Cole or Nya. Someone who knew how to fix this.

We never should’ve split up.

They could’ve sat there for an eternity. It could’ve only been two minutes. Whatever the case, try as he might, Kai couldn’t bring himself to move. Concentrating on Jay’s steady breathing was easier than having to listen to his own ragged breaths.

“Where’s…?” Kai found he didn’t have enough air to finish. The villain. The monster.

I’ll kill him. I’ll—

“Gone,” Jay said as if reading Kai’s mind. “He left right after…” A shiver wracked his frame. “Well, he expected you to f-finish the job, I guess.”

Right.

Kai could only nod. And breathe.

Just brea—

You could’ve killed him.

You were supposed to kill him.

Oh my gosh…

Nausea washed over him in wave after sickening wave, and he supposed his stomach would’ve emptied itself right then and there had he not forgotten to eat that morning.

The silence reigned just a few minutes longer before Jay began his struggle to stand.

Kai shuffled into action. “Need a—?”

Jay shied away, shaking his head.

Retracting his hand once more, Kai nodded. The most he could give Jay now was space as the latter pushed himself to his feet, failing to hide a wince.

Kai followed, hovering as close as he dared. “Are you…?”

“I’m fine, Kai,” Jay replied in an unusually quiet voice.

The Master of Lightning had always been a surprisingly good liar, which is why Kai almost believed him.

Almost.

“Let’s just find the others,” Jay said, only barely glancing back at Kai. “Okay?”

Another nod as Kai swallowed. “Yeah… Yeah, sure. Okay. Let’s go.”

It didn’t escape his notice, the way Jay hung back until Kai was in the lead. The way he made sure he could see Kai at all times.

Monster.

It took all his self-control to keep his fists from clenching, to keep his nails from ripping into his skin.

Monster.

That was the last thing Jay needed to see right now.

Mon—

Shut. Up.

He’s never going to look at you the same way again.

Kai met Jay’s eyes. His brother offered a small smile. Kai supposed it was meant to be reassuring.

But it merely betrayed the fear lingering beneath the surface.

He’s afraid of you, now.

You almost killed him.

This time, Kai did clench his fists, savoring the pain of nails digging into his palm.

Monster.

What have you done…?

Chapter Text

Jay couldn’t tell if he was being petty or had deeper issues lingering beneath the surface.

Petty. It’s already been a week. You’re being petty.

Yeah.

Pettiness was easier to handle. He could do petty—he didn’t need any more trauma to conceal underneath his skin.

Nadakhan had given him enough.

And now, Kai had given him more.

Cole had been livid when he saw the ugly burns, until Jay had explained what happened.

It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t the one in control. He didn’t…

… He didn’t mean it.

Then, why did it still hurt so bad?

Jay shivered, risking a quick glance over his shoulder. Alone. He was alone in the kitchen.

Still… Breathing hadn’t come easy since the incident.

Sometimes, he felt the ghost of a flame on his skin. Scorching. Burning. Though mostly healed, his shirt still aggravated his wounds. The marks were silent spirits that would always haunt him, he supposed.

No matter how many globs of lotion he slathered on—no matter how much time passed.

Avoiding Kai had been easier than addressing the issue. Hence, the pettiness.

He’d given his friend a smile; had told him everything was okay. And on the surface, everything seemed fine.

Underneath, however, a constant storm raged, never stopping long enough to give Jay any rest.

He didn’t know how it happened, but somehow, he’d ended up alone in the monastery with Kai that afternoon. Though he hadn’t actually seen Kai since that morning, Jay knew he was still lingering around somewhere. 

Maybe that’s why his hands wouldn’t quit their awful shaking.

Knock it off. You’re fine. You’re—

Footsteps echoed down the hall and Jay stilled, focusing on his own breathing until the steps faded away.

You’re fine.

It’s just Kai. It’s just…

An unconscious hand rubbed at the burn on his shoulder. He couldn’t stop touching it. Just stop touching it!

The healing process would’ve been easier without the nightmares. Now he had more to add to his lingering terrors about that stupid erased timeline. Thanks a lot, Kai.

Petty. You’re being petty. Cut it out.

“ You cut it out,” he grumbled to himself, tossing out the rest of his lunch. He wasn’t hungry anyway, and it’s not like his stomach had been very cooperative lately.

Training. Maybe some training would relieve the stress and—

The incoming footsteps pounded like war drums, setting his skin on edge, yet he couldn’t brace himself in time.

Kai burst into the kitchen, chest heaving—and Jay jumped nearly a mile into the air.

“Geez, Kai!” He exclaimed. “Don’t do that!”

“What?” Kai raised a brow. “Come into the kitchen?”

“Sneak up on me,” Jay corrected.

“Fine.” Kai’s clipped tone made it clear that they both knew it was most certainly not fine. “Come on, we don’t have time for small talk. Commissioner called. There’s trouble over on the south side of the city.”

“What? But I thought Lloyd and Zane were handling the south side today.”

Kai just shook his head. “They’re north.”

Oh.

“Sounds like a bank robbery.”

“But it’s a bank holiday. The bank should be closed.”

Kai only shrugged.

The air cool air that had radiated between them as of late sent shivers down Jay’s spine—spasms he tried as best as he could to hide. If Kai noticed, he didn’t say anything.

“You good to come?”

Jay straightened at this question, crossing his arms. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Another shrug seemed the most Kai could offer. “Come on, then.”

Yeah… Jay shivered one last time, hand flying back to the burn as Kai left the kitchen. Why wouldn’t I be…?

You told him it was fine, remember?

Jay sucked in a breath, forcing himself to follow Kai down to the secret cave beneath the monastery.

Why would you tell him it’s fine if it’s not?

Because you’re a liar.

Always have been.

Clenching his fists didn’t help any, it only made his body ache more.

Always will be.

Shut up.

Kai had a vehicle all ready for them by the time Jay made his way down and they both strapped up in silence. That same wall of silence Jay had been building since the incident.

Build it strong enough and you’ll never be able to knock it down.

And why was he hearing that in Cole’s voice?

Knock it off. Just focus.

“Aren’t the police supposed to handle robberies?” Jay said in an effort to break the silence. See? I can do it. I can knock it down… 

Another shrug. “Apparently, it’s that crazy flame-thrower lady.”

“Oh. What’s her name again?”

“I don’t know. I always forget the second she says it.”

“ Does she ever say it?”

“Who knows? Let’s just get out there and get this over with. I was watching TV.”

“Yeah, because TV is so much more important than saving the city.”

“Hey, like you said: we have a police force for this sort of thing.”

“And like you said: it’s that crazy lady with the flamethrower.”

Kai chuckled, a light and airy sound Jay hadn’t heard since… Well, since. Jay even smiled. A little.

And for a brief moment, things almost felt normal again. Almost.

The burn chose that moment to throb, reminding Jay of its horrible existence.

Right. Just stop thinking about it.

But that was like telling himself to stop breathing. Cole had dubbed him the king of overthinking things long ago and he still hadn’t done much to try to slip out from under that heavy crown.

Kai must have sensed the shift in atmosphere because his chuckle died halfway up his throat and he turned his attention to the mech controls.

Nice job, Jay. Bravo.

Shut up!

He couldn’t help it if simply being trapped in the same vehicle with Kai was digging up residual pain and anxiety.

Breathe. Breathe… It’s fine. It’s just Kai.

It’s just…

Getting to their destination was only the first half of the battle, with Jay fighting to control his breathing and making attempt after vain attempt to appear normal. To not look like he was about to have the panic attack that was bubbling beneath the surface. Somehow, by some miracle, they arrived without incident.

The showdown at the bank was the second half—and it was by far the most difficult.

It dawned on him that this would be his first team-up with Kai since… Well, since…

“You take the mech,” Kai instructed as they came to a halt. By the looks of things, their adversaries hadn’t been alerted by the silent alarms and still appeared to be inside the bank. “Check the perimeter and take out their getaway car, if they have one. I’ll check things out on the inside.”

“By yourself?” Jay’s brows furrowed when Kai unbuckled. “Aren’t there always, like, a lot of them?”

Kai flashed a smile that fell short of its usual bravado. “Nothing I can’t handle. Just stay here, okay?”

“Look, why did I even have to come if I just have to sit here?”

“You’re not just gonna sit. You’re disabling their getaway vehicle, remember? Besides, you’ve always been better at this mech stuff than I am. I could barely drive us over here.”

That… was a solid argument, Jay had to admit, but there seemed to be an underlying message in Kai’s tone. He just couldn’t figure it out in time.

Kai flung out of the vehicle before he could even begin to decipher the message.

“Fine.” The grumble echoed off the silence. “I’ll just wait here—oh, sorry, I mean disable their getaway car. So helpful to this mission.”

Sliding in front of the controls, Jay wasted no time in locating the car and giving it a few electrical zaps, shorting out the wires.

Sure, Kai had told him to stay with the mech, but it wasn’t his fault that the car was being guarded by two henchmen. Taking them down proved easier than usual and Jay found himself with too much free time piling up in his hands. Sitting idle during a mission never set well with him. He had to move; had to do something.

So, despite his reservations—and Kai’s, apparently—Jay raced back to the bank…

…Where a full-on fireball tennis tournament was taking place.

Obviously outnumbered, Jay figured Kai could use some backup. He’d just… try not to think about the flames, or the heat.

Or burns.

Or anything stupid like that.

Just don’t think about it.

Yeah, because that always works for you, doesn’t it?

Hey, didn’t I tell you to shut up?

Yeah, well, I listen just about as well as you do.

Right.

Sucking in a steadying breath, Jay chose the sneak approach, slipping into the bank and taking out a couple more henchmen before the crazy lady even noticed his presence…

“Ugh!” Gosh, her shouts were always so annoying. “I knew there had to be more of you losers lurking around here!”

“What are you doing?” Kai hissed when Jay joined him in the fray. “I thought you were taking care of the perimeter!”

“Perimeter’s clear,” Jay shot back. “I was getting bored out there.”

It didn’t escape his notice, the way Kai pulled back, blazing hands dying down to mere flickers of flame.

“I was handling it!”

“Aaand now you’ve got backup,” Jay declared.

“Look,” the flame-throwing gal said, her irritation palpable, “as entertaining as it is to listen to you two bicker back and forth, I have a freaking bank robbery to get away with! Eat. My. Fire! ”

“Eat my fire?” Kai scoffed. “Is that seriously the best you can come up with—whoa!”

A thick stream of flame lit up the room, splitting Jay and Kai’s short defensive line down the middle. Kai was quick to duck out of the way.

Jay barely hit the ground in time, the heat searing over his head.

His heart pounded, but not because of the battle. Climbing, climbing, its beat rose to heights Jay wasn’t prepared to go to—and he was certain it would burst at any moment.

Breathe. He had to breathe.

Kai had already launched into attack mode once more, fire crackling.

Burning.

Searing.

Pain.

Jay shuddered but forced himself off the floor.

He didn’t come here to be a liability. He came to help Kai. And because it was boring out there.

Another blast of flame shot from the woman’s tanks.

Sure. Boring…

“Kai…?”

“Say goodnight, boys!” Her voice… it held a familiar undertone—a memory Jay couldn’t seem to escape.

Another blast. Kai met it full force, stopping the flames before they did any more damage.

“Kai, what are you doing…? Are you okay? Kai?” As much as he wanted to squeeze his eyes shut, Jay kept them open, leaping into action. “Kai! Kai, stop—!”

You can do this. Just ignore it.

Lightning tickled his fingers, but he couldn’t get it to work.

It won’t work… Why won’t it—?

“Kai! Stop, this isn’t you! This isn’t—!”

You’re fine, you’re—

The next blast came too close for comfort and Jay stumbled, arms reaching out for purchase.

Kai’s hand latched onto his own before flinging him out of the way of the next burst of fire.

Jay smacked into the corner of the wall with a dull thud, the air flying out of his lungs.

“Say goodbye.”

Breathe.

He gasped, yet air never came. His lungs remained empty, crying out in agony.

Until then, Jay hadn’t thought it was possible to drown above water.

First time for everything…

“Kai, stop! This isn’t you! Kai, stop —!”

A scream echoed through his mind. Sometimes, he had a hard time believing that horrible sound had actually come from him. His fingers flew to the burn. It felt fresh beneath his gi, no matter how many times he reminded himself it was a week old and already fading.

The fight. You’ve got to… to…

Get out there.

Come on. Come on, you have to…

Frozen. He might just as well have been one of Zane’s ice sculptures. Try as he might, he couldn’t get a single muscle to move, except the fingers that pressed down on the burn, willing it to go away.

“Jay!”

The voice startled him at first. Kai.

Only after several blinks did Jay realize the room had gone quiet.

The robbery.

The flamethrower.

Gone. All gone.

What…?

Kai didn’t reach out. Not this time.

Jay flinched anyway. He couldn’t help it.

And he didn’t miss the thin layer of hurt that glazed over Kai’s dark orbs.

“What…?” Jay managed. “Did… Did we win?”

Kai’s shrug was over the top. Forced. Like everything between us these days. “Sorta. They got away, but they left empty-handed, so not half-bad, I guess.”

Jay nodded, mouth dry.

Get up. Get up, idiot!

“Are you…” Kai licked his lips. Nervous habit.

He’s not the one who should be nervous right now…

But then, maybe Kai had nightmares, too. This was a new thought, one Jay didn’t particularly like. Still, it was one that put the situation in a different light.

After all, Kai had been the one stabbed with the syringe. He’d been the one to lose control. What had that felt like, to not be the one in charge of your own body? Your own mind?

“Are you okay…?”

“Yeah,” Jay replied, trying to get his bearings. “You threw me pretty far.”

A wince. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. It would’ve been cool under different circumstances… You’re kinda strong.”

Another shrug. “You’re not that heavy.”

Sirens echoed from down the street.

Jay tried for a smile, but he could feel it fall flat as a pancake. “It’s about time they got here.”

“Hey, why should the police do their job if we can do it for them?”

This earned Kai a disapproving glance from Jay.

Silence reigned. Whispers of another kind of silence floated through the thick air. A silence in a large room, one scorched with burns and littered with destruction. One in which two friends hovered in a corner, neither sure what move to make next.

Jay suddenly found himself in the replay of one of his least favorite memories.

If he recalled correctly, Kai reached out his hand to help.

And Jay shrunk away from it, an unwanted terror twisting his face.

This time, Kai kept his hands to himself.

In the memory, Jay had struggled to his feet on his own.

That seemed as good a move as any.

Regaining his footing proved to be easier this time. Because you’re not covered in burns, idiot.

Right.

It was fine. Everything’s fine.

Only, Jay stumbled.

Kai reached out.

And Jay flinched as Kai’s hand closed instinctively around his arm.

Off. He needed to get him off!

“Kai! Stop! This isn’t you! Kai, let go! ”

A burst of electricity shot from his fingers, impacting Kai’s chest and sending him sprawling.

“Sorry,” Jay gasped, clutching his arm as he struggled to catch a breath. “Sorry, I didn’t… I can’t…” Just… don’t touch me… please…

The hurt pooled in Kai’s eyes and Jay found himself blinking back tears.

“Look, Jay,” he began, voice trembling, “I’m sorry, okay? What happened last week, that wasn’t me—you know that wasn’t me! I would never do something like that to you. I’m sorry for every single time I burned you and if I could swap our places somehow, I would! I don’t know how to fix what they did to us, but I can’t stand living like this anymore!” The tears that trailed down Kai’s cheeks were very uncharacteristic, and perhaps that’s what moved Jay the most. “I miss talking to you. I miss the way things used to be. I miss my brother, Jay! I’ve seen the way you look at me now and I want so badly to fix it, but I don’t—” A choked sob cut through the air. “I don’t know how. ”

I don’t know how either…

Only Kai’s quiet sniffles filled the quiet air.

I don’t… I can’t…

Fix it.

You can fix it…

Then, before he could even comprehend what he was doing, Jay threw himself at Kai, wrapping his arms around his friend with a vengeance. The more his mind screamed at him to let go, the tighter Jay squeezed.

Clearly caught off-guard, it took a moment for Kai to return the embrace, yet when he did, Jay could barely catch a breath.

“I don’t know how to fix it either,” he whispered, his voice clogged with emotion. Still blinking back tears of his own, Jay sucked in a breath. “But… B-But I’m sure we can figure it out. Together. Right…?”

“Sure,” he heard Kai whisper. “S-Sure, yeah, that’s…” Another sniffle. Jay squeezed tighter. “That sounds good.”

Together.

Like always…

Jay didn’t let go until the police cars pulled up outside. Even then, he had to force himself to release his hold to keep form melting into Kai’s embrace.

Maybe they didn’t need all the answers right now.

And maybe it was okay to be not okay.

As long as they could be honest… As long as they could work to fix it together…

Jay was certain that, someday, they would be okay again.