Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was a beautiful day outside.

Kujo Jotaro loitered around Buckingham Palace waiting for his boyfriend, Sans.

"heya jojo babe." Sans just kinda appeared or something by a tree.

Jotaro tilted his hat down and stared solemnly at the castle. "Don't 'babe' now me, bitch. We'll have plenty of time for gay sex when we're done."

Sans sighed as he clutched his sexyman trophy. "you're right... reigen wouldn't want me to get distracted so easily." He handed Jotaro his Shrek 2 branded walkie talkie.

"I told you to let him go. You and Reigen both understood the battlefield you found yourselves in. All's fair in love and war or whatever shit they say."

"you're right jojo... this 'enemy stand' you reckon is in ther-"

"[ E N E M Y S T A N D ]" Jotaro cut him off.

"that's... that's what i said."

"No, you said enemy stand, it's called an [ E N E M Y S T A N D ]"

"i don't care. let's get on with the mission." Sans disappeared as abruptly as he came.

With Sans wherever Jotaro walked to the castle gates. The two fucking dumbass guards stood there ground with their pissy little shotguns.

"Is the queen here?"

"Yeah." The guards nodded.

"Can I see her?"

"No."

"You've annoyed me." Jotaro summoned his Star Platinum. "Die."

"Ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora." Star Platinum just fucking annihilated the guards. Red chunks of bone and flesh littered the walkway. Thank god Chrunchyroll used the MS Paint spray tool to put a shadow over the worst of it.

Jotaro continued his stroll into the palace. His experience of watching his younger uncle livestream Super Mario 64 in 4K with raytracing taught him a thing or to about infiltrating the domains of royalty.

He continued his warpath through the palace, casually turning all the idiot fucking bootlickers into a censored paste of human remains. Before long he'd found Sans sitting on a cardboard box in (whatever irrelevant royal would be funniest to put here)'s room. The skeletal sexyman was pondering this cool orb he'd found.

"hi jojo i was just pondering this cool orb i'd found."

Jotaro nodded and crossed his arms. "That's a pretty dope orb, Sans-san. Any luck finding Lizzy or her [ E N E M Y S T A N D ]?"

"no and no." Sans shrugged. "maybe one of them will be underneath this cardboard box?"

"Wait!" Jotaro picked up Sans like a fucking sack of potatoes. "The box might be an [ E N E M Y S T A N D ]"

Even Sans had to admit the Japanese characters for menacing that was seeping out of the box was a little bit of a sussy baka moment.

Jotaro and Sans found a box of Hotwheels toys and began constructing an elaborate set up to use them to flip the box over.

Once the construction was finally done Jotaro opened up Youtube and played Take Me to Snurch (snail church) before letting his boyfriend have the honors of setting the plan in motion.

Sans took a deep breath somehow and pushed the sick ass red car down the track. The car did some really cool Sonic style loops and shit and there was even a little jump over this tiny shark plushie oh my god you should've seen it.

Just as the song hit it's chorus the car plummeted like 5 inches onto the handle of a spatula that flipped the box over revealing legendary super soldier Solid Snake.

"holy shit it is legendary super soldier solid snake." Sans said.

"Hrnng exclamation point." Snake grunted, his dummy thicc ass cheeks clapping in anger.

"I'm Jotaro and this is my gay boyfriend Sans. We are in gay love and are here to defeat the queen and her [E N E M Y S T A N D ]."

"Hrnng that's so fucking cool. I'm also in gay love and am here to defeat the queen and her [E N E M Y S T A N D ]." Snake did something I guess idk how the codec is supposed to look in 3rd person. "Hrnng Otacon there's other gays here with the same goal."

"Holy shit this is just like one of my ao3 fanfics." Otacon shouted.

"Hrnng bye love you." Snake hung up to keep the plot moving. "Hrrng so yeah like we lost the Iconic Yaoi Poll and we've already sacrificed Meryl for a gay scene so now it's this or pachinko machines."

Sans gave Snake a pat on the back. "damn bro, can't relate to losing but that sounds rough."

Jotaro nodded. "I can relate to sacrificing women, however."

"oh yeah of course." Sans added.

Snake gave a thumbs up. "Hrnng dope. Now to find this queen bitch..."

Sans shoved his orb in Snake's face. "will this cool orb i found help?"

"No." Snake took the orb and stored it inside his bandana. "We'll meet up with Otacon in the kitchen. That's the best place to store murder weapons."

"Oh we don't need weapons." Jotaro explained how him and Sans had kick ass powers like bones and lasers and punches and ZA WARUDO and shit.

"Good." Snake nodded. "And I'm using my Project M moveset because Nintendo can suck shit."

Jotaro smiled softly. "Reminds me of a wise proverb my grandfather Joseph learnt from Michael Jackson: You can always pirate Nintendo games, it's always morally correct." He wiped a tear from his eye. "I still miss you, GG. You're not dead but your name isn't in the tags so we probably won't see you."

They still went to the kitchen anyway to collect Otacon. He was hiding in a soggy pizza box. "finally." Sans sighed. "that's all the characters tagged in this fic. everyone is here. we are ready..."

"We need a name for ourselves." Otacon said. They didn't REALLY need one but it would be cool and it was a way for Otacon to make up for his lack of dialogue from being introduced so late.

Snake had the first idea. "Hrnng I vote Z-Fighters in honor of Goku."

"what the fuck does goku have to do with anything?" Sans bitch slapped Snake. "keep focused man, we can't just throw random shit at the wall and see what sticks."

"How about the Fruity Four?" Jotaro suggested.

"Yeah, yeah I like it." "that sounds good." "Hrnng I'm down." Everyone was cool with it so that's what they went with.

They continued their treck towards the queen. The clapping of Snake's dummy thicc ass cheeks alerted the guards a few times but that was fine they just killed them.

"there goes that true pacifist ending." Sans lamented.

Otacon picked up Sans like that one long cat meme. "Nah man, fuck pacifism. All systems of oppression were built using violence. To be pacifist is to be silent. To be silent is in itself an act of violence that upholds unjust systems of colonialism."

Sans quickly got over himself. "you're right, otacon."

At long last they stood before the highest room in the palace, the queen's bedroom. Instinctively they recreated that badass scene early on in Stardust Crusaders just before they leave for Egypt y'know the one. As if welcoming the challenge the doors opened by themself.

"You've finally made it..." Elizabeth chuckled as she step out of the shadows, her idiot hat floating to reveal it's identity as her [ E N E M Y S T A N D ]. "But you shall meet your demise at the power of my stand, God Save The Queen!"

Jotaro readied his Star Platinum, Sans his Gaster Blasters, Snake his Gun. Otacon kinda felt left out.

"Ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora ora!" Star Platinum belted the absolute shit out of Lizzy sending her sliding back.

God Save The Queen flung jewels at Jotaro just barely slicing his shoulder.

"don't you touch jotaro, bitch!" Sans threw Lizzy around the room, tossing her ass into all kinds of cool blaster and bones combos.

Snake used the power of his Gun to hold off the incoming guards.

Otacon frantically searched the room for something to do. Dodging the various attacks flying around as he rummaged through Lizzy's shit

"Ouch..." He whined as he poked himself on this funky golden arrow. Who just keeps a random arrow? She's strange.

Finally, he'd found something useful! The stand arrow. He pushed aside the funky golden arrow he just scratched himself on and grabbed the stand arrow. He jabbed himself with it and approached Lizzy with a menacing stride.

Lizzy laughed. "Give it up! God Save The Queen is the strongest stand. You've no chance of stopping me." Jotaro and Sans where exhausted and Snake was out of ammo.

"Elizabeth!" Otacon shouted, the ghostly form of Metal Gear REX hanging over his shoulder. "You still need to contend with my INDUSTRIAL DISEASE!"

Lizzy turned to Otacon and snarled. "God Save The Queen cannot be defeated! I will never be unalive. Especially not from the likes of you."

Otacon didn't care began his attack and Lizzy resumed hers. Both combatants nimbly dodging everything that was thrown at them. The dust settled and both were without a scratch.

"Very well..." Otacon growled. "It's time for Industrial Disease's ultimate attack." Industrial Disease T-posed in the middle of the room. The cool orb Sans found suddenly flew out of Snake's bandana and started glowing in front of the stand.

When the glow died down the orb was gone, standing in its place was none other than Sonic the Hedgehog.

"sonic." Sans shouted. "but you're not in the tags?"

Sonic laughed. "Don't care didn't ask motherfucker. This is a Sonic Adventure, to!"

"Queen Elizabeth 2... You're fucked!" Sonic ran at maximum speed through Lizzy, splattering her everywhere.

Sonic landed on the window sill. Smirking as he gave a knowing nod to the Fruity Four before running off into the sunset.

"well she's dead we've done all we can do." Sans and Jotaro flew home on a Gaster Blaster.

"Damn." Snake turned to Otacon. "That sure was the day of all time."

Otacon agreed. "Truly, it was. At least we didn't have to let a woman die to enjoy the ending together."

"Hrnng Otacon there was not a single female character to sacrifice."

"Shit how will we pass the bechdel test?"

"We won't."

"Oof."

The played Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead on Spotify And had the best make out session ever.

The End.