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The Avengers win in Wakanda by a hair. In the last desperate attempt to slay the titan, Thor had thrown Stormbreaker, just as the fiend made his snap to wish. Right then the ax had hit the alien's arm, chopping it clean off and sending it flying with the gauntlet. In the ensuing chaos and confusion, as multiple fighters tried to catch and carry the weapon, just to fade into dust in the process, the God of Thunder was able to hold Thanos down, while the gauntlet landed in front of Bruce. Scared and unsure, but also desperate to help, the scientist picked up the glove, removing the arm inside, and then, risking it all, put it on, hoping to right the wrong. And he did.

He was able to undo the damage done by the aliens, not just the snap, but so much more that had occurred, where he had not been able to help. It drained him, and when it was over, he needed to be rushed into treatment by Shuri, Strange and Tony, whom he had teleported to the battlefield, along with the other stranded fighters. They were able to save him, although it was mostly his own body who did the repairing. That's when the scientists discovered, that due to the supersoldier serum, which the Hulk had adapted, he was able to regrow body parts.

After experimenting a little, they found out that Steve and Bucky were also able to do so, even if they would need medical help for it to work out, and speed up the process. After some thought, Bucky decided he wants to regrow his arm, and Stark and Shuri come up with a contraption to help him. He has to go into a tank, where his vitals will be in check, the flesh can remain open and grow on it's own, but with some help to get the muscles up to speed soon.

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Bucky is nervous at first, since going into the tank will be much like being frozen again, as he is put into a coma to help the progress. But Steve convinces him that he is safe: "I promise you, everything will be alright! I'll make sure to check up on you every day, and when you wake up, I'll be right beside you!“ Bucky gives him a long look, but finally smiles and asks: "Okay. Are you gonna hold my hand till I pass out, too?“ Steve laughs and responds: "Hey, sure, if it makes you feel better!?“ They both laugh, but the day it's done, he does hold Bucky's hand until he is unconscious. He also stays by his side while Stark and Shuri, with the help of Dr. Banner and Dr. Cho, hook his body up to the last electrodes that help monitor and stimulate the different vitals and body parts.

Stark smirks at the young princess and jokes: "I'm still surprised your brother doesn't see an issue with you helping us take care of this hunky soldier's body!“ Banner and Cho roll their eyes in union, but Shuri just gives Stark a long look and states: "It is not me who helps you, you are the one assisting me, Stark! Remember it is mostly my technology that has helped him in the first place, that we now use to stabilize him!“ Tony still huffs through his nose, but then Shuri adds: "And besides, you seem to be mistaken by what kind of anatomy I'm used to! Judging from your height, I would have thought you to be the one most likely to be intimidated by his big...“

"Shuri!“, king T'Challa shouts, while Bruce and Steve turn away embarrassed, and Helen Cho just chuckles. "You need to be more respectful to our guests!“, the young ruler demands, as he steps up next to his sister, to add a little quieter: "Besides, you are embarrassing me!“ "Who said I was talking about you?“, she gives back, still grinning right at Tony, who looks at her with an open mouth, a little uneased by the girl's implication. "Hold on, what?“, T'Challa asks now in a less elevated, confused voice, but Cap buds in, saying: "Okay guys, I'll show myself out. Please contact me if anything should arise, alright?“ "Uh, sure Cap, see you later.“, Banner confirms. Rogers gives the king a nod: "Your highness.“, and leaves as T'Challa nods back, still staring at his sister for answers.

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Weeks go by, and Bucky's arm is growing wonderfully, reacting well to the treatment with micro injections and little electroshocks to stimulate muscle and tissue growth. Steve, as promised, checks in on his friend in the tank every day and asks for updates. Shuri is the one to always elaborate the most, as she is excited over her break through in 'cryogenatosis', as she calls it. She once explains: "Basically, the tank can function as an artificial womb for any body that needs growing! We were even able to put his mind in a place of stimulation, unlike a coma! Instead, he is dreaming actively, and we can even monitor and read into some of the themes he might be dreaming of!“

"So you can read his mind?“, Steve asks concerned, but she shakes her head: "No, at least not yet. But I used a similar technique when I helped him retrieve and sort out his memories! The data I collected could be deciphered by him, as his mind would be stimulated in a pattern we had recorded prior, so he would access the thoughts he was able to retrieve earlier.“ He just looks at her confused, but she explains: "Basically, I would get his mind to see a certain scene, like a virtual reality. If we could advance in that field, even sharing memories like files, or saving them forever, could be possible!“

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The Avengers still have to deal with numerous villains, some more brainy, some more brawly, but all determined on erasing the team. The Green Goblin once manages to trick them, having invented his own light bending camouflage gear, so he could follow them on a glider. He succeeds in getting into Wakanda, following them to the palace and inside the lab. He has developed a serum to potentially kill the Hulk, but not tried it yet. When some vials for Bucky's treatment are unattended, he adds a few drops of his serum to it, believing they are for the scientist.

As he exits the lab, and tries to enter the throne room instead, he does get caught, but as they interrogate him, he mocks the guards: "Your secret weapon will soon turn into green goo! I spiked the vials that doctor Banner was experimenting with!“ Cap and Iron Man dash to the lab to check in on the White Wolf, right as an alarm goes off. Banner greets them with an outcry, stating: "Something is wrong, his cells are decaying!“ Then they witness in horror, as the flesh of Bucky's new arm is turning black, and the disintegration starts advancing on his body.

They have to lower the temperature down to near freezing point, just to slow down the process and have a chance to even do anything. Steve pleads with the scientists: "I don't care, let him lose the arm, he'll manage, but please guys, for the love of God, don't let him die! Please!“ They eventually manage to stop the serum and counter it by one Banner makes, but Bucky's body is badly hurt. Steve keeps asking the medical team if he can do something, but they always tell him to just wait and hope for the best. They only slowly restart the growth process, and more healing and stimulation treatment, as the damaged body seems reluctant to wake from its frozen state.

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Bucky's vitals don't get any better, and at some point Shuri even sends his data to Doctor Strange, hoping the neurosurgeon can interpret something that might help them. But according to him, the physical attributes should function normally. So they get Bucks out of the tank and try waking him up, just to see how much his mind has been affected. Yet as they carefully up the dosage of adrenaline, trying to make him respond, he doesn't twitch, it only increases his brains activity in the region for stress.

Finally Banner asks the question: "What if he doesn't want to wake up? What if he just lost the will to live? The psyche has greater effect on the bodies healing ability than any medication. And he's been in some kind of dream world for over a month now, what if he likes it there?“ Shuri's eyes widen with realization, and at first she is excited for the possible usage of this circumstance, but it's Tony who startles them by saying: "Well, in that case, this is the worst possible news! After all, he is still a wanted criminal in many countries, and Shield only agreed to protect him, if he was willing and able to fight for them. Not really a nice home to come back to.“

Dr. Cho argues: "But he does still have Rogers! I mean, his old life with him was pretty okay, and he still can share memories with him, so why wouldn't he want to see his friend again?“ "Because he already does!“, Shuri cries suddenly. The scientists stare at her and she insists: "I remember, there were some patterns in his brainwaves, that would be active whenever he tried remembering his childhood, or some memories concerning his friend, and I'm sure I recognized them in his current brain activities. He probably dreamed up a world, where everything is alright, so he can feel safe there, and why should he not have his friend there with him? Maybe he even thinks, he is already done with the treatment, and back home!“

They discuss the idea, deciding to get Bucky back in the tank to keep his body safe. They run some more numbers, compare data from the beginning of his process, and from the time Shuri trained with him to rinse his mind of Hydra's influence. Steve occasionally takes part in their tests, answering questions about his best friends interests and feelings from his youth as best he can, but he still feels helpless, and checks up on his vitals with dread more than once daily. And then at last, Shuri has a proposal for him.

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"It could open up all new possibilities!“, the young princess insists. "Yeah, or it could be a serious threat to his mental health!“, Banner snaps back. "Come on now Bruce, we sometimes have to take risks in order to progress!“, his billionaire friend half jokingly states. "We don't toy with other peoples lives, Tony!“, the doctor barks, when Steve, just having entered the lab, interrupts: "Hey guys, what's the shouting about? Shuri, you called me and said there might be something we can do to help Bucky? I'm here now, so what's up?“ He's eyeing her with a mixture of hope and dread, but Tony slaps him on the shoulder with a smile and beams: "Well Cap, we would like to send you on a mission!“ "Yes, if it works, it would be a simple task of find and retrieve.“, Shuri adds, but Bruce gestures with his hands, begging: "Would you two be serious, this isn't a computer game!“

Steve brushes off Tony's hand, giving him a stern look, and before the two excited tinkerers can say anything again, he turns to Banner, asking: "Okay, just calm down, and please explain to me, what this all means. What did you find out?“ Bruce fills him in: "Well Cap, as we discussed before, Buchanan seems to be stuck in some dreamt up reality he created, and we can't reach him. We tried to stimulate certain areas of the brain, trying to jog his memories of the most recent events, or find a way to communicate, but it doesn't seem to work, and even if it did, there's no telling, what we really made him see!“

"I got that, I thought you found something out?“, Steve interrupts, but holds up his hand before Tony can barge in anew, to listen to his more reasonable friend: "Well, yes. The princess believes, that she is able to put him into situations, if she recorded them before. Now, we don't really want that either, but she and Tony think, they might be able to let someone else actually see his memories, if we immerse the person and stimulate their brain the way his is firing.“

Steve looks at the other two and asks: "And you want to try that on me? You want me to read his mind?“ "Yes!“, Tony simply claims. "No!“, Shuri counters, and goes on to explain: "It's actually more complicated than that! Because even if you can read his mind, we still wouldn't be able to communicate that way. No, we want to link your minds together!“, he looks at her uneasy, but she gets excited, "If we stimulate your brain in the way his works, you would see what he sees. And you would then be able to partake in that scenery. We could then link that back to him, so he would be able to notice the change. And that way, once we synchronize your minds, you should be able to share the same dream, and you could communicate just like we do right now!“ Cap just eyes the troop nervous. The unpleasant feeling of becoming a guinea pig resurfaces from the depth of his mind, but just like he had done back then, he now straightens himself up to answer: "Well, sounds dangerous. But I'm in! What do I need to do?“

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Shuri and the others try some things on Steve to see how his mind would react to the immersion. They first give him some virtual reality games to play, so he can adapt to the feeling of going through a dream world. Then the serious tests begin. Hooking him up to a sort of cap lined with about a hundred wires, Shuri starts to practice stimulating certain areas of his brain, the way she had done with Bucky during his healing process. It's frightening at first, and also a little humiliating, as Steve gets startled more than once by dreamed up monsters, or some action packed memories she activates. Tony sometimes teases him, but also admits: "This technology is still in its infancy, Cap, so sorry if the results seem weird to you. To be honest, we don't really know what we're doing either!“

But at least Steve can exit the dream worlds at will, as he only needs to open his eyes or actively touch himself, to see he's not really fighting aliens in New York, or the Red Skull in Italy, but still sitting in a chair in the royal lab of Wakanda. And though he always feels weirded out and groggy 'waking up', he accepts to try it with the tank to connect to his friend. So after only two days training, and keeping a watchful eye on Bucky's vitals, they prepare Cap to submerge him for an undefined time.

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Shuri, operating the controls, reassures: "Okay, just to confirm: The sign to get you out of the dream immediately is?“ "Move my eyes to the upper left corner five times.“, Steve answers calm, though his voice sounds strange with the small hoses going into his nose to keep his breathing steady. She nods and asks: "Good. And the sign to try waking you both up?“ "Upper left, lower right, upper right, lower left, upper left.“, Cap confirms prompt. It still sounds strange, but as the eyes are the only parts of the body that move while dreaming, it's the only form of communication they can use. The princess smiles, and Banner checks the position of the neurostimulizers one last time. Tony, hooking Steve up to the heart monitor, jokes: "Alright Capsicle, do you need me to hold your hand till you go under?“ Steve smirks: "Nah, I'll be alright. After all, I'm just going to find my friend and remind him, I'm still here for him. Piece of cake.“

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Steve closes his eyes as Bruce adjusts his air supply. The hissing of the oxygen mixed with the sedative that's making him sleepy, becomes duller and duller, like the pings from the monitors, that sound more blunt each time. Until it's like bang.

And another bang. Louder. Harder. Steve hears a muffled voice, yelling: “..eed .ee ...old ur and?“ He thinks his limbs are twitching. Is he dreaming already? "Eevee!“ Another panicked voice. His heart starts beating faster. He feels like he is suddenly falling. "Yewing?“ More shouting. Steve sees darkness, broken up by bright flashes. More banging, faster, louder. Someone pushing him. "Up!“, he hears a scream. And then he feels being thrown on his side by an explosion. He rolls over to shield himself, and opens his eyes. He sees Iron Man floating above him through smoke, yelling at him: "What the hell are you doing, Cap? Do you need me to hold your hand?“

There is a crashing noise and Steve thinks the lab is under attack, trying to scamper to his feet, screaming: "What happened? Who is shooting at us?“ "Who do you think it is?“, Tony yells sarcastically, before firing at something behind him and flying off towards it. Just then Cap hears another man call his name: "Steve!“ Puzzled, he turns to the sound, expecting to see the ruins of the lab, but instead he finds that he is out in the open, crouching behind a tree stump. He looks down at his hands, wearing his thick fighting gloves, sees his body clothed in his uniform, his shield lying next to him. Slowly his mind is trying to make sense of it. Too slow.

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"Get down!“, someone yells, pummeling him to the floor, just as a grenade hits the ground near him. But the person lying on top of him shields him from the blast, so he only has to cough, and blink to get the dust out of his eyes. "Are you alright?“, a soft voice asks, and a gentle hand brushes over his cheek, getting some hair out of view. Steve tries to focus, feeling the weight of the body on him. And looks up into his best friend's eyes. "Bucky!“, he cries surprised, but happy, returning the smile his buddy gives him. The White Wolf rolls off him and asks concerned: "Didn't you hear Clint's warning?“ "Huh?“, Cap just returns confused, getting nudged over by Bucks once more, right before another hit pulverizes a nearby boulder.

Now Steve's adrenaline is pumping, he's trying to focus, take in his surroundings. Suddenly though, Bucks gets up, grabs his hand and drags him with him, shouting: "We need to move!“ Trusting his friend to bring him to safety, just like he had always done, Steve tags along, holding his shield above their heads to protect both of them, and looks around to see if he can spot their attackers. It all takes him back to the war, and for a second he wonders, if that's where he is, seeing some familiar structures that suggest they are currently on an old military base. But then he remembers that Tony wasn't even born back then, and hears Bucky shout: "Stark, Steve's ear piece isn't working, do you have a spare?“, as he pulls him behind the remains of a wall for cover. There are shots fired in the distance and the ground shakes from another explosion.

As he struggles to get a grip on reality, Steve turns to his old pal and asks in a firm voice: "Okay, so what's the situation?“ Bucks nods and fills him in: "Falcon and Widow are down, War Machine is bringing them back to the Quinjet. Hawkeye managed to get to the tower on the east side, where he and our Tin Men were fighting off the drones and kept the incoming hits low... Yeah Stark, we're behind the wall in the south!“, he suddenly adds snappy. Then his eyes get big and he jumps at Steve again, crouching and jerking up the shield, to hide them both behind it, as a projectile penetrates the concrete just above their heads.

A small gold and red ball rolls to a halt on the ground, a few feet away. "Next time be a bit more precis with your aim, you nearly hit us!“, Bucky barks angry, picking up the orb and opening it to reveal an earpiece. He hands it to Steve, then pausing to look at the ball in his hand, closes and pockets it with a small smile. Cap doesn't have time to question this, as he puts in the device to hear Tony grunt: “... be precis with where you are! You with us again, Cap?“ "Uh, yeah, I can hear you, Tony. What do you want me to do?“, he answers unsure. He still has no clue, what is going on. Is he talking to the real Tony? He remembers being sent into the tank to find Bucky's dreamworld, but this world seems too real to be a dream. Has he been hit over the head and forgotten what happened since then? Why else would he be in a battle?

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So, waiting for some instructions, Cap is slightly irritated, when he hears Iron Man say: "Well, how about you and your boyfriend stop hiding in the bushes, and get busy finding the signal? You can bang each others butts, once we're done beating Hydra's, so get to it! Really, you need me to tell you how to do your job, Rogers?“ Steve just stares at Bucky, who is grinning at him and then goes to look around the corner of the wall. "Jeez, no need to be rude, Tony!“, Steve manages to say, when the others already chime in, Clint adding: "You're just jealous, cuz Pepper couldn't be here, Stark!“, and Rhodes answering: "Come on boys, cut the crap! I saw some suspicious antenna on a shed near an excavator, maybe you two foot soldiers can check it out!“ "On it!“, Bucky confirms, rounding the corner, leaving Steve no choice but to follow.

His old friend makes a clear line to a building next to the broken down construction vehicle, and once Cap catches up with him, standing next to the entrance, the White Wolf busts down the door with one kick, entering with weapons drawn. Steve quickly follows with his shield raised, but there is noone in the shed. He half hums: "Shouldn't I be the one to go in first, as I got protection?“ His friend gives him a surprised look and starts to smirk. At the same moment, he hears someone whistle, and Stark teasing: "Get a room, you two!“ "We did!“, Bucks chuckles back, then turns to switch on the lights. They flicker into a cold white beam, almost too bright for the small space.

Steve notes that the windows are boarded up, like an abandoned building, but the floor is remarkably clean. And in the middle, there is a sort of box, standing on a sturdy metal table, with wires and buttons, a few red dots blinking. A long antenna sticks out of the middle, going all the way up to the roof. "Guess we found the source of the signal.“, Bucky states and Clint calls over: "Well shut it down, will you? These things are starting to really annoy me! And I'm almost out of ammo!“ "Told you to switch to lasers, Robin Hood!“, Tony mocks, but after a loud bang quickly adds, "I'll cover you! Cap, get that transmitter offline!“

Steve is still baffled by all this. Something doesn't feel right. "Couldn't we just wake up and be done with this?“, he mutters quietly. "Yeah, what a dream that'd be!“, he hears Rhodes hum, while the sky outside gets dark with storm clouds. Meanwhile, Bucky has approached the contraption, examining it, and is trying to open a cover to see the insides. "What happened to us?“, Steve asks him, still unsure, "Did we get out of the tank?“ "Tank?“, Bucky raises a brow. Stark signals over the ears: "This is no time for your old war stories, Cap! Shut down the signal, or I'll launch a rocket over there and blow it up myself!“ "Get to it boys, these things are coming from all sides!“, Rhodes adds breathless, as thunder strikes outside. Cap approaches his old friend, who had turned to fumble at the metal box again, and places a hand on his shoulder to make him look up. "I meant the immersion tank. Where you go under water, and they monitor your brain waves.“, Steve explains. Bucks turns white and looks back at him with utter horror. "No.“, he sighs, nearly inaudible. And then all hell breaks loose outside.

There are multiple explosions, another thunder roars, and the heavens open their gates to flood the terrain. Steve hears Iron Man and War Machine shouting things in his ear, but all he can understand is his buddy, muttering scared: "There is a Hydra tank on this site? You saw it? Where they put me in?“ Then another loud bang, a scream over radio and Tony yelling: "Hawks is hit! Blow up the God damned signal, soldier!“ But despite all this, Steve just feels calm, looking down at Bucky's left arm. A normal flesh limb, covered to the wrist in Kevlar, where a fighting glove takes over. Just like his own. So even when his friend turns to punch at the box, starting a loud beeping that becomes faster and faster, he stands still.

"We have to go!“, the White Wolf pleads, looking desperate at Steve, but he just shuts his eyes. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up... He looks back at Bucks, as the screams in his ears and the beeping become almost unbearable, the lights flickering like crazy, and water rising at their feet, and he just says: "Trust me. We'll be fine.“ At that, Bucky flings himself into his arms, hugging him so tight, he can hardly breathe, and whimpers in his ear: "I hope you're right! But, just in case this is it, remember... I love you!“ Steve is a bit baffled, but also touched at this, so he hugs back, assuring his buddy: "I love you too, Bucky. Don't worry, I'll get you home safe.“ Then he closes his eyes again.

He did not expect the process to hurt as much as it does now. It feels like his head is splitting from pain, ringing in his ears and shining in his eyes, and he can't breathe from the sudden pressure on his chest and back. He wonders: 'Does it always feel this way, waking up? No wonder Bucks wouldn't want to endure this...', and he tries to remain calm as everything inside him is telling him to run or fight back to save his life. And just then, when he can't take it anymore, suddenly everything stops, as his body goes completely numb. Like falling asleep...

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When Steve wakes up, he feels drowsy and disoriented. Everything sounds like it's going through thick wool, and the light is too bright. He's able to identify a figure, closing in on him. "Ow ewweww wheeling, ol' pal?“, the shape asks, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Stark?“, Steve asks back, barely hearing himself. "Up! Ewwid a goh job! Ry rest om more.“, Tony's figure tells him. "Where is Bucky?“, Steve demands still anxious, as his body is trying to push back the adrenaline. "Don't worry soldier, your high school sweetheart is alright, thanks to you! You saved his life!“, another, louder Tony voice calls over to him on his right.

When Steve turns confused, there is another person, pushing something like a hospital bed towards him, until it joins up with the one Steve is lying in, as he suddenly realizes. He looks at the dark figure in it, and recognizes his best friend, resting propped up on pillows. "Hey!“, he calls over relieved. Buck's head turns and opens its eyes a little to call back: "Ey.“, in a calmer voice, smiling. His face looks much darker, like dirty from fighting. But it must be the beard that grew on him in the tank. 'Bucky didn't have a beard in that fight.', Steve realizes, 'Why didn't I notice that before?' Then he feels his right hand being grabbed. He looks down to see Buck's pink fingers entwine themselves with his, in a soft embrace, with hardly any pressure. Like a new limb would do.

'He's probably still a bit scared.', Steve reckons and thus smiles at his friend. Which turns into an awkward grin, as Bucky leans over to tell him: "Thank you for saving me. I owe you my life, punk!“, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Steve blushes embarrassed, but when he hears someone whistle and call over: "Save the smooching for home, boys!“, he just shouts: "Oh fuck you, Stark!“, in the general direction, before relaxing back into his pillows to rest some more. Two male voices frown: "What did I do?“, and "Language!“, almost at the same time, but Steve ignores it. He's just happy it's over, and his friend is back safe with him. He tries dozing of to sleep again.

Slowly the light fades a little, and his hearing clears up. He recognizes a beeping from a monitor, some rustling noise from sheets, a bumping like an old radiator would give off. And mumbled words between people nearby. "So, how are my boys doing?“, a woman asks. She sounds a bit like Sharon. But what would she be doing here? A darker male voice answers in a hush, so Steve can't quiet make it out, but it's assuring the other that they'll be back in fighting shape in no time. Steve frowns. It has to be someone from Shield. Why could they only see the weapon in his friend? Doesn't he deserve a break, some vacation, after all they had done?

Somehow, the guy reminds him of Coulson, always putting the team first, making sure the fighters would be ready, no matter what. Or almost. Then he hears the voice speaking to someone else, and Clint suddenly answers: "Yeah just some cuts. I'll be good to go once they stitch me up, boss.“ Now Steve is even more confused. Could Fury have come to check up on them? Why was Hawkeye here anyways? Had they been transferred back to New York in the tanks?

Before his thoughts start to really upset him however, he feels his old friend lean on his shoulder. Snuggling up close next to him, clearly looking for comfort. So Steve presses his hand and hums: "Don't worry, I'll protect you! I'm not gonna let them take you against your will.“ But instead of a thankful grunt, he hears his friend sigh: "Aww!“ So he opens his eyes and turns to him confused, to be met with a kiss on the lips, surprising his buddy. Steve immediately pulls back embarrassed, covering his mouth with the left and letting go with the right, to distance himself from Bucks, stuttering: "Oh, so sorry, I didn't mean to...“ But his friend starts giggling, and he hears others snicker, so he starts looking around.

Opposite of them, Clint is sitting on a stretcher, having Bruce tend to a wound on his upper arm. Both look over to him with a smile. Nat is sitting next to them on a chair, minding her business reading a magazine, while an IV drip is going into her arm. Steve raises his brows confused, when Bruce shouts over next to them: "You sure you don't want me to take care of that for you, Samuel?“ Steve then sees Sam, also in a hospital bed, his left leg propped up with some pillows, sowing a wound on his thigh, and casually explaining: "Nah, I'm good! I didn't become a medic for nothing. If this thing scars, I at least want it to look stylish!“ And he winks over at Cap.

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Steve lowers his hand. Then raises it again, to cover his eyes. He wonders what went wrong, why they were still here. Or if he has amnesia, and this is reality, just way after his friend's arm got fixed. Then he hears Stark ask in a deep voice behind him: "Alright pal, you fully awake now? Congrats at you keeping your cool there, we could have lost you today!“ But when he turns to look at the man, it isn't Tony. It is Howard! Howard Stark, the man that had helped him become a supersoldier, whom he had been friends with almost a century ago. Steve's eyes widen, as he looks at the old man in the expensive modern suit, hair dyed black, but with a gray mustache, smiling at him. And he huffs shaken: "Howard? But you're dead!“

The man frowns confused, requesting: "What? Why would I be dead? Who would have killed me?“ Steve flinches at this, and turns to his best friend, who returns a puzzled look. He asks him: "What's going on here?“, baffled at why Bucks would imagine his victim to be in his dream. But then he realizes, that that might be the reason. If he was alive, Bucks never went on that mission. But he still remembers Hydra. So, what is going on? Just then, Howard explains a bit amused: "Come on Rogers, just because I'm old, doesn't mean I have to die soon! People don't just die off at our age anymore!“ Steve let's his head hang, and answers gloomy: "Well, Peggy did!“

"Huh?“, he hears Bucks huff, and then he sees Tony coming into his view, putting a hand on his father's shoulder, to ask: "What's with mom?“ He looks at him unsure, but is confused even more, when he sees Howard's appalled expression, as he demands: "What? Why would you ever say that?“ Bucky adds: "Seriously Stevie, what kind of shit nightmare did you have just now?“ He looks around, and now everyone is staring at him, even Nat. Steve gets really uneasy at this, and is starting to doubt himself, when he hears Sharon again: "Ah, there you are, Anthony, I was looking for you!“

But instead of the young Shield agent, an elderly lady comes into view, standing next to Tony, who greets her with: "Hi Mom.“, and a kiss on the cheek. Steve looks at the woman and his jaw drops. It's not Sharon, it's Peggy! His good friend Peggy, just as wrinkly and beautiful, as he last saw her, only with her hair done up nicely, and standing up straight without a walker. Then she turns to their beds, and asks: "Well, how are you boys feeling?“, but her smile dies as she meets his eyes, and she adds concerned: "Steven, are you alright? You look like you saw a ghost!“

It's too much for him. Seeing his dead friends alive and well is so touching, bitter sweet, but it feels all wrong. In a twisted way this constellation even makes sense to him. Howard and Peggy had been close back then, even if not as close as he thought when he had mistaken fondue for an innuendo. But she would never marry Stark! She had been waiting for him, all her life, she had assured him every time he went to visit her. Sometimes she even thought, he had returned to elope with her, on the days where she wasn't as clear as he could wish. She would try and get up, to finally dance with him as she promised, and it broke her heart, and his, every time she realized that she was in a weak, old body that couldn't stand without support. Seeing her suffer like that was torture then. But seeing her so vibrant and healthy despite her age now, somehow hurts even more.

Steve covers his eyes to hold back tears. He feels hands being put on his shoulders for comfort, soft voices trying to calm him down, but he doesn't want to listen, and huffs angry: "This is not real! This is just a dream, and when I wake up, you will all be dead and gone, dammit!“ And then he decides: 'Screw it, I'm out of here! Bucky is alright, I saved him, he'll be fine! He'll be fine. We can still get him out later.' And so he moves his eyes to the upper left corner quickly, ignoring the discussion that ensues around him. Last thing he hears is Tony, asking: "Bruce, can you take a look?“

🌟

Then the panic sets in again. His adrenaline rises, he feels his pulse beating in his throat, his limbs twitch nervously. Then the beeping gets loud again. Then soft. Then loud once more. Only to be muffled anew, like the voices around him, shouting in panic. He has a hard time breathing. Tries to open his eyes to look around. And sees an immensely blurry image, tainted in a dark greenish blue. Black shapes are moving rapidly from left to right. Suddenly a bright light shines right into his eyes. It stings, and it scares him, as does the fact he can't seem to move.

He half understands that he must still be in the tank. And he feels so helpless. Trapped. At the mercy of whoever sits outside the glass tube, and what they might do to him. Or what they might make him do. He wants to leave, wants to flee so desperately, that when he feels a weird sensation, like a hug around his brain, tugging at him, he leans into it. Tries to let it carry him away. He cries, his eyes shut so tight it hurts, afraid of what he might see, if he is forced to wake up. Forced back into another fight. Another war. Another senseless killing. Although it feels so strange to know all this.

Then he hears someone counting backwards. And a long beep, ringing in his ears. Another countdown, and it feels as if someone is punching him. He just wants to get away. Another short countdown, his body gets zapped, he draws a large breath, and tries to run for his life. But two very strong arms hold him back, try to push him down. Steve wants to fight, his heart beating against his chest like a drummer on speed, his eyes wide from shock, yet unable to see, and he feels like he is suffocating, despite pulling heaps of air into his lungs. And then he hears someone shouting at him: "It's me, it's me Steve, it's me! You're safe, I'm here! Shshshsh!“ The person is cupping his face to make him look at them, still pleading: "Breathe Stevie! Breathe! Shshshsh! Please, just breathe!“, and he hears their desperation.

Then he's able to identify his friend, giving him a concerned look, eyes wet, and voice shaking, as he keeps repeating his demand, making sure he hears him draw his own breath in between. Steve subconsciously tries to mimic him, taking more time to inhale. And while this calms down his panic, he remembers how they had done this before. Many times in fact. Whenever he had had another asthma attack in public, not able to get to a ventilator. How Bucky would get him out of the crowd to protect him. Hold him close, and try to relax him, by getting their breathing in sync. And once he was stable enough, sometimes pick him up to carry him home to safety, where he could get his medication and inhaler.

People nowadays didn't know how well they had it, just keeping little life savers in their pockets on the go. More than once it had looked so bad for Steve, that he was starting to pray a Hail Mary, getting ready to meet his maker. But somehow, Bucky always saved him. And it feels as though he is doing it again just now. Steve stays focused on his best friend, who's still shushing him, dropping a tear, but smiling a little, as he sees him calm down, and coes: "There, that's it Stevie! Good boy, breathe! Shshshs...“

The panic subsides, and Steve is able to smile back embarrassed, as he realizes that his friends have gathered around his bed and are still staring at him, this time mostly in shock, or slowly relieved dread. It's Tony, who finally loosens things up, by saying: "God dammit Rogers! You almost gave ME a heart attack, and I'm literally immune!“, and pointing at the light in his chest. Everyone exhales in a relieved laugh, as Sam picks up the thread by demanding: "Yo' seriously, don't do shit like that!“, and Nat adding: "Exactly! There is only room for one Widow on the team, no need to make it two!“

Steve blinks confused, but Bucks captures his attention, repeating: "Yeah, don't ever do that again, punk! I thought, I'd lost you!“, and he gives him a tight hug, and a big kiss on the scalp near his forehead. Steve blushes, as he feels his heart melt a little at this display of affection, and he tries to levy the tension by quipping: "Ha... well... you said... I saved your... life! Guess... we're even... now!“, still trying to catch his breath. A few more awkward laughs, and then Bruce calls for attention: "Alright everyone, show's over, give the man some space! Still gotta check some vitals.“

The others disperse and Steve is left with Bucky, still holding him, and the good doctor, checking up on his heart with a stethoscope. It still feels weird. He knows it's fake, but the touch of the cold metal on his chest is just as he would expect it, even though he didn't. He was paying attention to his two long dead friends, standing a bit to the side, looking over to him with a relieved smile. It still hurts, but anything beats the process of waking up, he thinks with dread. Why was it so painful? The tests definitely didn't prepare him for this. How was he supposed to get Bucks out of here?

🌟

Suddenly Howard calls over to him: "Well Rogers, I hope you'll get better soon! Seriously, just because I said, people our age don't just die off, you didn't need to make a point by proving me wrong!“ It's meant as a joke, but he can see the concern in his face. And in Peggy's. Was Bucky imagining this? Then why wasn't he even looking over to them, but staring down at him? "Maybe a side effect from the gas.“, Bruce suddenly hums, "I think it's best, if we keep you in observation for a night. What do you say?“

Steve looks at him and shrugs. What difference does it make after all? "Oh, well... I mean, we really wanted to get back home! After all, it's been nearly two weeks!“, he hears his friend throw in displeased, and looks up at him with a confused frown. But before he can ask, Peggy calls over for them, minding: "Oh come on James, it's only for one more night, they'll manage!“, and Howard chiming in: "Exactly, just enjoy one mission free day away from home, for your own sake. And Steve!“, he looks at him directly now, "Listen to the doctor's orders, right? I'm still counting on you two to make it to our poker game in two weeks, for a rematch!“

Steve has to smile at this absurdity, but Bucky chuckles back: "Alright Howy, we'll behave so we can be there!“ Why was he talking for them both? "Anything you want us to bring this time?“, his friend adds. At that, Tony comes into view again, grinning: "Nah, we got fondue. Just wear something nice! As it's Mom's birthday coming up, we thought we'd spice things up, make it a strip poker event!“ Snorts and giggles across the room, as Steve tenses up, but Peggy smiles at them amused, while her... while her husband and son argue: "What? When did WE decide that?“ "Aw Dad, come on, give Mom some hot buns to look at! Or are you scared of losing to your pals?“, Tony smirks.

When his father just crosses his arms and frowns, he adds: "Alright, how 'bout only guests strip, everyone else gets to watch?“ First Howard seems to want to scold him, but then he asks: "Who else did you want to invite?“ "Howard!“, Peggy warns, and the older Stark flinches to say: "I mean, it's out of the question!“, and follows Tony outside, while the rest of the group still hides their laughter. Peggy looks back at Steve once more, with those clever, friendly eyes he has missed for so long now, and she winks at him, before turning to follow the two Starks.

🌟

Chapter Text

So Steve plays along, doesn't even react when Coulson shows up to escort them to one of Shield's rooms, casually chatting with Bucky about just returning from Tahiti. He brings them up to the observation flat, and handing them each a key just wishes: "Well, have a good night later! If you need anything, there's room service via phone!“ "Thanks a lot Coulson.“, Bucks replies friendly, and the Shield commander responds: "No problem sergeant! Get well soon captain, the team needs you!“, and with that he leaves. Steve just shakes his head, as he opens the door, curious what he will find.

The flat looks like a better hotel room, big windows letting in the last light of the day, easy to clean vinyl floor, plain white walls, but all the furniture in warm wood, making a friendly impression none the less. Steve notices that a couple of used looking dufflebags are placed on a small bench in the short entrance hallway, and presumes it must be their luggage. He enters a bit timid, still taking in his surroundings. "You alright Steve?“, his buddy behind him asks, "Are you still feeling dizzy?“ Steve reaches for one of the walls. He can feel the tapestry under his fingertips, brushing over it. When he takes his hand back to look at it, he notices a fine gray film, like dust caught by the lines of his skin. It's so confusing. He turns to his friend and asks provocative: "Why does everything feel so real?“

Bucky gives him a puzzled look, but picks up one of the bags to take it to a nearby desk and rummage in it, and replies: "Because it is, silly! You can trust me, I know what it feels like, when it's fake!“ Now Steve looks at him with wide eyes. Bucks just unearths a small bag that looks like it contains toiletries, but when he sees Steve's questioning glare, he emphasizes: "It's really okay, Steve! You can trust me!“ "But this is not real, it's just a dream!“, Steve insists a little annoyed, so his friend comes up to him and takes his hands, gesturing towards the chairs at the desk and getting him to sit with him.

Then he explains in a calm and soothing voice: "Look Steve, I understand what you're going through. I really do! I know the feeling of not being able to trust my own eyes, unable to tell reality from the twisted narrative Hydra forced on me with their Faustus method!“ Steve stares at him surprised. Bucky never told him these things before. He only said he'd rather not talk about it, that he wanted to forget it. Steve had tried to get answers from the Hydra data Shield eventually recollected after their exposure, but although that had explained some things, and made him pity his old friend even more, he couldn't have been doing more than scratching the surface of the truth. Maybe, if he plays his cards right, he can get to the bottom of it now, in Bucky's safe space.

So he listens attentive, as his old pal reports: "I get that you're confused, the gas does that to you.“ "Wait, what gas?“, Cap repeats baffled, so Bucks fills him in: "The one they laced the bomb with! Don't you remember?“ Steve just raises his brows and shakes his head, although it dawns on him, that he might mean the beeping from the satellite box in the shed. And sure enough Bucky confirms: "When we got to the signal, and I destroyed it, you held me back from running outside, remember? You had talked to me about the Hydra tank you saw.“

"I didn't see...“, Steve wants to explain, but Bucks interrupts him: "Rhodey found it too, once we knew what to look for! So, you got suspicious, and stopped me from running outside, when the bomb detonated! Because you had seen the wires!“ "Wires?“, Steve now asks, but feels as though he should remember something. "Yes!“, Bucky insists, "That's how you knew the explosives were outside, and that standing right next to the signal was the safest place. That's how you saved our lives!“ His friend gives him a compassionate smile once more, and it's making Cap feel a little embarrassed.

It doesn't help that he is still holding hands with him too, so Steve retracts at least one of them to scratch his neck, musing: "Uh, ahm, but then what's with the gas?“ Bucks gets serious, when he tells him: "They probably wanted to make sure, in case whoever killed the signal wasn't blown to bits, that they'll at least forget about what they found, so the bomb was laced with amnesia gas, and you breathed it in!“, he scowls, "I got some too, but much less, because you held me so close to your chest. And besides, I'm almost immune to it now, because of how often they used it on me.“

Now Steve looks back with compassion, when he sees a shadow forming over Bucky's eyes, but still questions: "You really believe that? You believe, that is how it happened, and that's why I'm saying, this is fake?“ "Well, Stark believes it. He thinks that's why you didn't recognize them first, and believed some horrible nightmare instead!“, Bucky starts to list, "Bruce believes it could also be responsible for the heart attack, because it weakens the mind and body!“ "But you really think this is real?“, Steve repeats, half desperate, and half amused, yet his friend looks him dead in the eye and assures him: "Of course! What else would it be? Steve, you really can trust me on this: This is real! I'm real! And I'm your partner, you can believe me!“

Cap shakes his head, but the White Wolf puts a hand under his chin, making him look at him, as he hushes: "Remember, when it was me who didn't know what to believe? You were there for me then, and even if I had to doubt everything else: I trusted you! I believed you. And now it's my turn to help and guide you, even if it's only gonna be for a few hours or maybe a day. But you can trust me, Stevie!“ Rogers wants to pull away frustrated, when Barnes suddenly comes close to his face and gives him yet another kiss, on the mouth, shocking him. He stares back at him, as his friend slowly draws back with his eyes closed, then opens them to smile: "See? That felt real, didn't it?“

Steve just nods overwhelmed, and is relieved when his friend lets go of him, standing up to take his things. But Bucks gently brushes over his head when he passes him to get to the bathroom, promising: "So there you go. Just relax and try not to think so hard anymore. You can believe in me.“ Steve is left alone horror struck. 'What the hell just happened?', he asks himself. He understands his friends concern for him, especially if he is so far down the rabbit hole, that he truly believes in his dreamworld. But did he need to shock him like that?

🌟

Cap is skeptical. And so he gets up, and starts searching for answers. Because now he isn't so sure anymore, that this world is fake. Could Bucky's mind, or his own for that matter, really dream up so many details? Or isn't it more likely, that the amnesia gas made him forget some changes of the past, that might have to do with the Infinity Stones? 'That felt real, didn't it?', his friend had asked. Yes, it felt real. 'What if it is?', Steve wonders, looking through Bucky's dufflebag. He doesn't recognize any of the things inside, but they seem to be clothes that would fit his friend, and be suitable to wear under gear. And most looks like it needs washing. He gets what he presumes to be his own bag, and does the same, finding a similar sight. Only that he actually recognizes some of the shirts and briefs as his. He's starting to worry.

Then he starts to scout the room, trying to find something to prove this was either fake or real, not knowing what exactly to expect. He opens drawers and cupboards, finding a knob on one to be loose, and tightens the screw on it. He also finds more dust, a spider trying to weave a web, scurrying to hide when he touches it. And when he moves a closet to see where it is going, he shrieks and jumps away, when he discovers a centipede, slithering away as the last trace of daylight hits it. "You alright out there?“, he hears Bucky calling from the bathroom with a worried voice. It sounds like he left the door ajar. Steve tries to sort his thoughts and giving up his search informs him: "Yeah, just a centipede.“ He hears something like a chuckle and Bucky mumbling: "You still hate those things...“

Steve looks for a light switch, and finding one turns it on, but it only illuminates the hall. He wonders: 'If this was a dream, wouldn't the light switch on, where I need it? Or expect it to be?' He turns the light back off, then on again, just to be sure it doesn't change. But it stays the way a light switch should work. "What are you doing?“, Bucks asks once more, as he probably noticed the hall lights, so he truthfully answers: "Just looking for the right switch. It's getting kinda dark.“ Bucks asks: "Okay. You wanna go to bed early?“ Steve first thinks it's weird to ask him that, but then remembers what he first noticed during his search: There is only one bed in the room. So they would have to share. He doesn't quiet get why they couldn't just get two rooms, one for each of them, but then thinks maybe Bruce was being a bit paranoid of him having some more side effects. Though that still didn't explain why not two beds. And anyways, it's not Bruce who's paranoid, it's Bucky's imagination. Or is it?

Still unsure, Steve just gives back: "Yeah, sure...“, and moves to sit on the bed. At least the night would give him some answers, he believes. Either he'll fall asleep and dream for real, or it's already a dream and they'll just get up again after shutting their eyes. He hears Bucky showering, and so gets ready to lie down. First he just goes under the covers dressed as he is, but it feels wrong, and uncomfortable. So he gets out again, and takes off his shoes, socks, and pants, just dropping them next to the bed. And after lying down once more, still not comfortable, he takes off his shirt too.

He does feel a bit strange, thinking he'll go to lie down with his best friend, just in his underwear. Back when they had to share tents, they were always fully clothed. And even further back, when they shared beds to save oil in winter, they both wore pajamas, and at least he had some rather thick woolen ones, that almost felt like being dressed up. Steve has to smile, remembering how Bucky had gotten him those for Christmas that one year. And how that one time, when it was so cold their shower head froze over, they had to cuddle with each other, and Bucks called him his 'life size teddy bear' to make fun, when back then Steve couldn't even grow a proper beard, let alone manly body hair.

🌟

Cap's still gazing at the ceiling, reminiscing the past, when he hears Bucky exit the bathroom, muttering a bit muffled: "I thought you'd join me.“ Steve looks up to see Bucky drying his hair with a towel, and quickly focuses on the ceiling again, when he notices he's naked. 'He's probably getting some fresh clothes to wear.', he thinks, wondering what he meant with joining him. "Did you go through my things?“, Bucks asks concerned, and Steve answers guilty: "Yes, sorry. I... was looking for something.“, he suddenly finds an excuse, “I couldn't find my toothbrush!“ "Well, duh, I already put our things in the bathroom, of course you couldn't find it!“, his friend gives back puzzled.

Steve meanwhile furrows his brows: 'Our things? Did we have to build pairs on that mission, that bunked together, or what?' Or are they perhaps even still sharing rent in this dreamed up world? If it is a dream. But he soon gets his answer. Cap feels the White Wolf getting on the bed, and looks over to see his friend is still naked, and crawling towards him with a cheeky smile. Steve scans over his body confused, wondering what kind of weird 'let me shock you, this is real' kind of prank he's up to, but then it gets worse, as Bucks purrs: "Well, never mind, I got something else you can put in your mouth, if you like!“

Cap starts to sweat. His friend is slowly coming closer, glaring at him with lust, gnawing on his lower lip, and although Steve doesn't want to look, he sees that he's also getting hard. Outside, thunder is growling in the distance. Steve's face is starting to grimace into a tortured smile, as he's too scared and shocked to know what to do. When he tries to protest, opening his mouth to stutter: "Uh, I, ah...“, Bucks grabs his growing erection, and moving his knees up to Steve's shoulders gets excited: "Oh yes baby, open wide!“

And that's when Steve realizes that something has been absolutely wrong this whole time! 'Stop hiding in the bushes with your boyfriend!' 'your high school sweetheart' 'Save the smooching for home' Bucky holding his hand. Giving him kisses. Coming out of the shower: 'I thought you'd join me!' 'Our things.' Only one room. Only one bed. Bucky talking for both, when Stark asked them to visit. 'There is only one Widow, no need to make it two!' Bucky holding him tight, over and over. 'Just in case this is it, remember: I love you!' There is a flash outside, as the realization hits him: They are a couple!

'Oh my fucking God!', Steve thinks and quickly covers his mouth, as Bucks is trying to get closer with his penis. Another thunder roars, catching the brunette's attention, and Steve hurries to say: "I don't want that!“ Bucks just turns around with furrowed brows, asking: "Oh, really? Not today?“, but then backs down a little, only to bring his face closer again, and hush: "Or... do you want me to soften you up a bit first?“ Steve looks back in shock, but with the embarrassed smile still stuck on him, so maybe Bucky mistakes his reaction, because he attacks him.

Even though it isn't violent, Steve could well do without it, shouting: "No! Stop it!“ "Make me!“, Bucks gives back with a grin, as he pulls back the covers, sits on Steve's legs and starts tickling him without mercy. He wants to fight back, but the White Wolf seems immune to those touches, and he doesn't want to punch him. At least not yet, but when Bucky moves to lie between his legs, pushing his erection against his butt, and putting his arms in a tight grip around his body, pinning Steve to the mattress, he reconsiders it, struggling more. Then Bucky suddenly calms down, looking into his face. Steve stares back uneasy. His friend says: "Really thought I'd lose you today, punk!“, gently petting over his hair. And then moves in to kiss him again.

🌟

Although Steve's popularity among the ladies had drastically increased since the serum, he's not had a lot of experience with them. Not at relationships in general to be honest, and also just little with short flings or just making out with someone. So he doesn't have that much material to compare this kiss to. But it does remind him of several. When that blonde had just dragged him into a corner by force, and started to smooch him, back when Shield merely was an idea, and not an organization. That had felt a bit like this, forcing it on him. Scaring him a little, but surprising him more.

And then Peggy's kiss, just before they parted ways for nearly seventy years. His adrenaline had been pumped, getting ready to fight, and so although it felt good, he couldn't really focus on it. A bit like now. And Nat's kiss on the escalator, to hide from Crossbones. He was again surprised by it, and although it wasn't unpleasant, he would not have opted for it freely. Just like this time. He suddenly realizes, the only time he took part in kissing someone more or less actively, was when he had given Sharon a thank you kiss for helping them out, while he saved Bucky in Leipzig. And even then had he felt pressured to do so, because he knew she liked him, and was risking so much for him. He did it more for Bucky than for himself.

And now he's holding still, trying to figure out what to do, or say, or even feel, while his childhood friend, his best buddy in the world, the last person on earth that knew him before he was Captain America, is kissing him with a passion that not a brother, or a friend, or a comrade would use, but a lover. Someone who loves him. And wants to make love to him. 'Why? Why does this happen, how did we get here?', Steve asks himself, 'When and why did Bucky decide that this is what we are?'

If this is a dream world, he could have anyone as a partner: Sharon, Natasha, Peggy, Maria, Pepper, Hope, Helen, even Wanda or Shuri, if he wanted to. But he takes Steve instead. A man. And his best friend. Steve still tries to deny it, but when Bucks lets go of his lips for a second, so he can take a deep breath, he flicks his tongue over his mouth, and then slides it in, to kiss even deeper, with more passion, more lust, more desire, even moaning a little, grabbing him tighter, and pressing his pulsing erection harder against his rear.

It scares Steve. It scares the living hell out of him. He feels lost, helpless even, although Bucky loosens his grip, to pet his hair and his sides again. But then he starts to hump him, and Steve shakes from fear and nausea. Bucks actually notices, breaking the kiss, but only to whisper in his ear instead: "You alright Stevie? Are you feeling cold? I can heat things up for you, don't worry!“ He gives him another kiss on the cheek, then adds lascivious: "Ready to feel me inside you?“ 'OH HELL NO!!!', Steve thinks in a panic, and just then, lightning strikes something nearby, dousing the dim lit room into a flash of light for a second, and the bang is so loud, you can feel the bass.

It startles both supersoldiers, Bucky quickly getting back up on his knees, and Steve crawling out from under him, trying to get out of the bed. But his heart is beating like crazy again, so he just sits on the edge, holding his chest, trying to catch his breath. Next to him, Bucky seems to be doing the same, gasping: "Holy shit, that was loud! Good God, is Thor fighting with his brother again, or what?“ Steve might have laughed on another occasion, but covering his face with one hand, he just tries to think of a way to get out of the situation. He even considers waking up. If that's possible. But this could never be real. Ever.

He's torn whether to try getting out, although he dreads the panic and pain he expects, as he has enough of that already right now. Or getting them both out, if it worked this time, as it would lead to a ton of awkward questions and revelations for the two of them. What to do? The White Wolf puts a hand on his shoulder, making him flinch, but he just starts to massage him and hushes: "Aww, it's alright Stevie, it's just a thunderstorm. It's gonna pass, right? At least the roof isn't leaking.“ Cap has to smile.

Back when they lived together, the flat they could afford had a leaking roof, and it would be dripping water every time they had a storm. The bad weather would trigger Steve's arthritis, and he would be uncomfortable, or even in pain from it. And his buddy would massage him. His back, his legs, his hands... whatever was hurting, Bucky would make sure to make the pain go away. It had felt good, knowing he cared so much, and because he was so gentle. But now Steve wonders: 'Did he just do that, so he could be close to me? Is this, what he feels for me?' He doesn't really want to think about it, wants to pretend it isn't true.

Then Bucky whispers again: "So, Stevie, wanna ride my thunderbolt? I promise you, it'll be hot!“ Steve sighs. He just keeps his eyes covered, ignores the hot, wet pole pressed against his back, tries not to think about anything, but quietly hums: "No. I don't want to. Not today.“ He wants to get up, and when he feels his friend holding onto him, he tries a different approach, gathering his authority, standing up straight and shouting: "Back off! That's an order, sergeant!“ There's another growl of thunder, more distant now, just after he says it.

🌟

Cap hates this. He hates pulling rank, he hates putting others beneath him, especially Bucky. But he just has to do something to make him stop, and talking it out right now, when Bucks wouldn't listen to him earlier, doesn't seem productive to him. So he simply stands with his hands on his hips, trying to control his breathing, and figure out, how to break up the situation. He thinks he's got it, when he hears his old comrade answer: "Oh. So that's how it's going to be. Captain!“ But it sounds like he's smiling, and so Steve turns around uncertain. Bucky looks back with a cheeky grin, stroking his erection. And then turning his back to him says: "But don't worry, Sir, I can follow orders!“

Steve is confused anew, but then gulps as Bucky goes down on all fours, sticking his butt high up in the air like a cat, presenting his hole and spreading his legs, to start moaning: "Although I know you're gonna have to punish me! Don't you?“ Then his friend strikes his bottom with his right hand, and yelps: "Oh I'm such a bad boy! You're gonna put me in my place, right Cap?“, then spreading his cheeks more with both hands demands, "Well, mount me, you stud! Show me who's boss!“ Steve has to suppress a scream, thinking: 'Oh shit, no no no no no!', and covers his face with his fanned out fingers.

Outside the thunder gets louder again, but Bucky just slaps his butt once more, and moaning takes his left hand in his mouth to suck on the fingers, half turning to Steve in a seductive manner, but with closed eyes, thus not seeing his horrified stare. He slaps himself again, and taking the fingers out, groans: "Oh Steve, please! Ah, fuck me!“ Then sticking the hand between his legs, moving towards his hole, begs: "Oh, yes! Breed me like the dirty bitch I am!“, and slides a finger into his anus, to let out another loud, lust filled yelp.

That's when lightning hits the building, screeching and booming like an explosion, walls shaking, a blinding flash scorching the eyes, and then after a flicker, the power goes out completely, so the room is suddenly pitch black. It's only then that Cap is able to hear his own voice, repeatedly shouting in panic: "No, no, I can't, I can't, no! Please no!“ He covers his face with his hands, and stumbles backwards, trying to get away from this nightmare. Then he feels hands grabbing him, and without opening his eyes, he tries to fight back, halfheartedly when he touches the bare skin of the other man who wants to hold him.

He starts to cry overwhelmed, begging to be left in peace, but the soft cooing of the other slowly reaches his ears: "Shshsh, it's me, it's me, it's Bucky! Shshsh! Shshsh, Stevie, you're safe, I'm here! Shshsh, you're safe with me, I'm here! Bucky is here, shshsh...“ Steve calms down a little, as his friend gently embraces him, pulling him towards him again. He still stutters: "No, no, please, I don't want to.“, while Bucky shushes him and goes to lie down on the bed, pulling him down and on top of him. Steve yelps: "No please, I can't do it, I can't, I don't want to!“, but his friend hugs him closer, and covering them both with the blanket, hushes: "It's okay Stevie, you're safe! You don't have to do anything, I'll protect you!“

There is a more quiet rumble outside, and then a hard rain sets in. Bucky still coes and pets his friend, assuring: "You're safe, just breathe Stevie! Listen to my heart, everything is gonna be alright!“ Steve still trembles, and lying on top of his naked friend feels wrong, but his soft touch and the warm body help him relax, as does the rain. And when he does rest his ear on Bucky's chest, hearing his friends slow and steady heart beat, it takes him back to a happier time. Though it wasn't happy back then. Steve was sick with pneumonia, and his mother was deeply worried for him, desperate because she couldn't stay home in fear of losing her job. And then Bucky had volunteered to do it. Take care of him, keep him warm, keep him safe. Keep him alive.

"Thank you, Bucky! God bless you!“, his mother had said touched. Steve remembers her voice. And Bucky's high pitch back then, returning: "It's okay Mrs. Rogers, I just want Steve to get well again!“ He had stayed with him. Even lying in his bed, to warm him with his body, holding him on top to not interfere with his breathing, covered by a heap of heavy blankets, hot water bottles next to them. Bucky must have been sweating buckets, but didn't complain, just kept still to help him get warm. Gently petting through his hair, telling him stories, sometimes reading to him. Always assuring him everything would be alright. "I'll protect you!“, he had whispered.

The way he does now. "You're safe Stevie, I'm here! I'll always be there for you!“, Bucky promises, and gives him more kisses on his scalp. Steve can't take it any more. It feels so wrong and yet so right. He just cries, holds on to his friend, the way he had done when they were boys and he just trying to find comfort. Holding onto life. Bucks keeps cooing, shushing, kissing and petting him. And through those soft touches, along with the rain and the beating in his friends chest, Steve drifts off into sleep.

🌟

Chapter Text

When Steve comes round, it takes him a little to understand where he is. Waking up in a hotel room, unsure how he got there, he remembers dreaming about his mother, his childhood, even school. It's been forever since he last dreamt something like that. Then he remembers how he had promised himself, that that would tell him if he was still immersed in the dream tank Shuri and Tony had built. But recollecting how Bucky had behaved last night... What he wanted to do with him... Steve shivers, thinking: 'It just can't be real. Maybe it's because Hydra messed him up so much, his brain is able to form such a detailed world, we can't tell it apart from the real one.'

Then he hears a flush and after a minute, while he's still trying to figure out how to deal with his friend, he exits the bathroom, just as naked as last night, but smiling at him: "Oh, did I wake you up? I had hoped I was stealthy enough to let you sleep in.“ He crawls back into bed with him, making Steve grab the covers with new tension. But although he mutters: "Well, since you're awake... wanna cuddle up some more?“, when Steve sees him looking at him with friendly eyes and a genuine smile, he relaxes and returns just as sincere: "Thanks, but I'd rather just get dressed and go home.“

To his surprise Bucky just grins and agrees: "Okay, then let's go!“, to get back up again and turn to his bag. Steve quickly gets out too, and acts normal, as he searches his own bag for some clean clothing, but has to realize that the only pants left are the ones still lying crumpled next to the bed. He'd nearly forgotten about them. 'As if it were real.', he thinks again, looking around puzzled, and seeing the closet still tilted to the side, the way he pushed it last night. "Something wrong Steve? You still having trouble to focus?“, Bucks asks compassionate, so he just states: "A little. I'll just shower to clear my head.“

He turns to move, but his friend puts his arms around his middle, only holding him loosely, but Cap flinches all the same, especially as his buddy offers: "I could join you! You know what they say: Save water, shower with a friend.“ He chuckles, but Steve tries to brush him off: "You already showered last night, you don't need to go again.“ Yet his friend simply whispers in his ear: "I would if you had gotten me dirty!“ Steve gulps and nervously cries: "I'm sorry, I couldn't, that's just not...“, but Bucky quickly turns him towards him, assuring him: "Hey, hey, hey! It's alright, I'm not mad at you, it's okay!“, he gives him a stern look, "I guess the lightning triggered something for you, but that's really okay, you don't have to shame yourself! You don't always have to be big, strong Captain America for me, you know that!? You can just be my little Stevie, and that's alright!“

Steve stares at him surprised, and Bucky hugs him tight once more, repeating: "You don't ever have to be ashamed in front of me, honey, you know I love you! I'll never look down on you for feeling unwell, I never did! Remember?“ Rubbing his arms he draws back again to look into Steve's eyes with a smile, while Cap is left speechless. Even though the familiarities still confuse him, he is now able to focus more on what his friend looks like saying them. And he's surprised when he realizes how relaxed he is.

He should have noticed before, but his own adrenaline was clouding his mind, so he didn't see that the tension that somehow always radiated off his friend, is lifted, and he's just his happy self. His old self. Even when they had been fighting with the Howling Commandos, Bucks would be able to just open up to others, relax, enjoy, not care about tomorrow, only live in the moment and savor it. That's how he always cheered him up, looking on the bright side, believing in himself, and believing Steve, even if he got him into trouble sometimes.

Not like the new Bucky. The one that Hydra had used and abused for so long, he had forgotten what it felt like to be human. What it felt like to trust others. Believe in himself, instead of doubting his every move, double checking everything. Steve realizes that he is standing in a room that isn't his home with him, in front of clear windows, naked, without ever having searched the perimeter for bugs, or bombs, or hidden assassins, as he usually would. Even after Shuri's treatment had helped him so much, he couldn't take Steve's word for it that everything was fine, even scouting the safe houses from Shield, or the rooms in Wakanda, although T'Challa's trusted guards were at every corner. Even his face looks different. The lines on his forehead are much smoother, as if the frown that sat on it as his default expression isn't a normality. And he understands it's not. Not in this world.

🌟

Steve's eyes water and he smiles, wondering how he could have missed it. How he could overlook that for some reason, he got his old friend back. And then he gets it, as Bucky again leans in for a sweet peck on his lips, just to hug him anew, reminding him: "You don't have to prove your worth to me! Never had to, never will.“ A little embarrassed, and overwhelmed by his feelings, Steve has to hug back, and grabs Bucks tight as he feels the tears trying to burst through. It all takes him back so much, that when his friend assumes: "I love you the way you are. And I know that you love me.“, Steve nods helplessly: "I do.“, while thinking: 'Just, not quiet like that.'

They hold each other for a while, and Steve actually welcomes the fuzzy warmth that spreads through his body, until Bucky pinches his butt, saying: "Well, ya better get your sweet ass in the shower, or we're gonna be here all day.“ But as they part, he only smiles at him, so Steve just nods smiling back, and sees that he gets into the bathroom. He locks the door, puts his things on a free shelf, and then relieves himself. He feels a bit awkward, although he knows nothing humiliating will happen with his body in the tank. Bruce had made sure he'd be prepared to stay in longer, just like he did with Bucks. But it still feels odd.

Once he flushes, and moves to wash his hands, the handle is pressed, making him flinch again. Then his friend calls: "Honey? Did you lock yourself in?“ 'Dear Lord, what does he want now?', Steve thinks with dread, since he's now also completely naked, and gives back timid: "Yes?“ "Well, will you let me in, so I can brush my teeth?“, comes back amused, but a little concerned. Cap sighs, unlocks the door, and makes a move to get in the shower and out of the White Wolf's reach, turning his back to him, as not to give him ideas. It frustrates him a little, that it's a modern shower with a glass door instead of a curtain to hide behind. Though he tries to shake the feeling. After all, they had shared bathrooms before. Even showered together. And it was fine.

But now when he hears Bucks enter, and locking the door behind him too, he gets tense once more, praying: 'Oh God, please no!' He slowly turns, but his friend is just helping himself to his toothbrush and some paste. When he meets his eyes he smirks understanding: "It's alright, I know it helps with the paranoia. Just make sure you tell me if it gets worse.“ Rogers nods with a relieved smile, touched again by his friends old familiar consideration, and wants to turn back, but Barnes asks: "Are you gonna let it grow?“ "Huh?“, Cap furrows his brows, turning completely. Bucks rubs over his five o'clock shadow, saying: "You usually shave before you shower. Do you wanna grow a beard?“ Steve rubs over his chin and actually feels a slight stubble. Now that he knows it's there, it annoys him, but he's not sure he wants to get back out, next to Bucky. Yet when he sees his old buddy just tend to his teeth, he decides to risk it, hoping he'll keep his hands to himself.

He stands next to him, and Bucks even scoots over to give him more room, so Steve relaxes, and takes the razor. It's not the one he's using at home, but it is a model he'd choose. And it doesn't look brand new. 'How long has Bucky been in this simulation?', he wonders. While he's getting rid of the little hairs on his cheeks, Bucky spits out the toothpaste, then looks at the mirror to rub over his teeth with his tongue, and smiles at himself. Still so calm and relaxed. And happy. Then he looks at Steve in the mirror and remarks: "Thought so. Although it'd be interesting to know, what you look like with a beard!“

Cap halts and looks back puzzled, claiming: "You've seen me with beard!“ Bucks looks back a little confused, but then smirks: "Aww, come on Steve, that could hardly be called a beard!“ Rogers raises his brows, wondering how much more beard he would have to grow then. And suddenly it hits him, staring at his face in the mirror: He doesn't have a beard! And he didn't even question it, just like he did with Bucky. Why didn't he notice? He remembers, he asked Shuri if he needed to shave in order to go under, but they had assured him it would be fine, as it would start to grow again anyways. Even though he was supposed to come back within a few days, tops.

But Bucks had seen him with that beard! It was the last he had seen him with, while he held his hand, as he went into the tank. How could he forget that? 'Did he erase that from his memory?', Steve asks himself. Just then Bucks rests his head on his shoulder and puts one arm around him. It's a bit awkward now, since he knows of Bucky's true feelings. If he had done this before, which he probably wouldn't, he would have just thought it was cute of him to be so friendly. Something friends can do. Close friends like them anyways, and times have changed for the better. It is okay for men to show affection to their friends, and Steve is all for it. However, thinking what Bucky might be feeling, touching him like that, makes him uncomfortable. It simply wasn't supposed to happen. But then his friend says: "Just look at us.“, smiling at him.

He looks so happy, it nearly breaks Steve's heart. He almost feels like apologizing to him, for not being able to give him what he needs. He would want so much to make him happy, to keep this happy Bucky by his side forever again. The way they had planned it, the way they had promised each other. Till the end of the line. Then Bucky turns to him, kisses his shoulder and hums content: "Ah, I can't wait to get home!“, giving him a cheeky grin. "Uh, yeah, me neither!“, he tries to reply confident, and smirks nervous. Bucky just plants a kiss that tastes of toothpaste on his mouth, and opening the door, gives him a firm tap on his bottom, reminding him: "Well, get your cute butt in the shower then!“, as he leaves.

🌟

Chapter Text

Steve manages to get cleaned and dressed without further problems, although his friend seems giddy at getting him back home. During the quick breakfast Coulson insisted they'd have, he keeps dropping little remarks Cap can't quiet place, fearing it might have to do with more intimacy he'd like to avoid. When his friend leads him to a parked motorcycle in Shield's garage, he has to elegantly coax Bucky into driving, as he wouldn't know where to go. His buddy seems very surprised, but gives him another happy beam that makes him feel guilty, still not sure, how he can sit him down to tell him that none of this is real. Least of all, their relationship.

He's a bit surprised that Bucks gives him a helmet to wear, one with an American flag and an eagle on it. For some reason the eagle has a pink sticker of a flower on its head, like an ornament. Bucky likewise puts on a helmet, one that is black with a red star, and the face of a white wolf on the side. But it's also been upgraded with stickers, three little ghosts that seem to dance around the wolf's ear. It makes him wonder: 'Did we babysit for Hawkeye's kids some time? Why would we put stickers on our helmets?' The ghosts even look like they would glow in the dark.

Just as he's getting used to the situation, adjusting to hold on to Bucky during the ride, he hears him speak, quiet clearly: "Well, ready tiger? Hold on tight, you know I like to race!“ And with that, he starts the engine, and jumping forward with a roar, drives out of the building, and onto the road leading to the highway. "Yahoo!“, he cries excited, while Steve is left gasping: "Just, watch the road, okay?“ Their helmets must be connected somehow. He wonders if it's Stark tech, or something standard he just didn't know of. But he can hardly form a clear thought, as Bucky maneuvers through traffic at high speed, cutting corners, and sending them flying over bumps, so that Steve holds him tighter than he had planned to.

It's a shame he can't enjoy it, still worrying over how to speak to his friend. Maybe the White Wolf noticed, because he suddenly asks: "Say, everything alright? You're awfully quiet back there!“ Steve huffs back evasive: "And you're driving awfully fast!“ "Well, I just can't wait to get home!“, Bucks responds, also breathing a bit louder. Steve gulps, but tries to joke: "Just because you can't wait to get home, doesn't mean you need to push our luck of getting there at all!“ He hears him chuckle, and then return: "Okay, I'll slow down for you. We're almost there anyways!“

Just then, he turns to exit the highway, and slowing down continuously, navigates the bike to a street lined with nice homes, a bit more upper class, with small front gardens. Steve actually recognizes them. His apartment back before Fury had to leave Shield was a bit further down, although he didn't drive home this way a lot. But the buildings still look familiar, making him wonder again: 'Is it Bucky's mind, that's dreaming this up? Or is it mine? It's so detailed...'

🌟

They're almost at the end of the road, when Bucky slows down to a halt, in front of one of the bigger homes, only connecting to another house on one side. It looks quiet expensive and actually too big for roommates to share. Then again, it does seem very homely, and perhaps this is something Bucky longed for, Steve thinks. They get off the motorcycle, and Cap takes down his helmet to gaze at the building, and the surrounding neighborhood, while the White Wolf opens the front gate. And then pushes the bike through, to place on a little paved area, where a second motorcycle, a small shed, and some trashcans are standing.

Then he takes his helmet off, and grinning comes back to grab Steve's hand, pulling him towards the entrance, not even closing the gate or grabbing their luggage, saying: "Come on, I thought you couldn't wait to get home either!“ "Uhm, sure.“, Steve stutters, "Just trying to get used to being home again...“ "You'll get used quick enough!“, Bucks promises, unlocking the door, and Steve suddenly gets scared, fearing he might mean something less domestic and more adult by this. Then he flinches again, when pulling him inside, Bucks lifts his other hand to his mouth to give out a sharp whistle with two fingers.

And then looks back at him with a happy smile, asking: "Wanna place bets who'll come first?“ Steve is still unsure, if this is an innuendo, and is grimacing again to not stare back in shock, but then a small black and white Pomeranian runs up to them, yipping a few times and wagging it's tail furiously, to start jumping up at them both. It seems so absurd that Steve bursts out into relieved laughter, bowing down to pet the little canine, while Bucks simply states: "Well, no need to place bets on Pikachu alright!“

While Steve tries to calm down himself and the small dog still yipping happily, he can finally take in his surroundings. The short hall they are standing in opens to two larger rooms left and right, and leads to a staircase covered with a beige rug, while the floor is made of dark wooden panels. A matching cupboard is standing on the right, where the door opened to, left there is a wardrobe, where Bucky is putting their helmets away. He can hear some clicking noise coming from the right, and then a gray and black Saint Bernhardt comes into view, slowly walking up to them, the claws skidding over the hard floor.

Bucks now goes down too, to greet the clearly older dog and pet it, saying in a paternal voice: "Aww, poor Albert, need your nails clipped again, hm?“ Steve smiles, and recalling Peggy's words understands what she meant with 'They will manage'. They do live together and have dogs. Correction, they have pets, because when his friend gets up again, he remarks: "Oh, and of course, mustn't forget his royal highness!“, looking a little into the left room, where a scratching post is joining the wall, and Bucks salutes a chubby, beige cat: "Captain!“ The feline just yawns and stretches, but lets the brunette pet its chin. "It's like a zoo in here!“, Steve remarks overwhelmed, as the older dog retreats to the right again. "Yeah, I wonder where the monkeys are!“, Bucky jokes and calls: "Sharon?“, while the Pomeranian follows the Saint Bernhardt.

"Coming!“, Steve hears from the upper floor, and then the young Shield woman descends the stairs. She greets him with a smile: "Hi Steve! Hi James! Had a good trip?“, making her way down. "Oh, hi Sharon!“, Cap answers a bit timid, and Bucks asks her: "Hi Sharon. What up, they give you any trouble? Did ya ground them?“, but hugging her, when she reaches the last step. "Nah, all's fine. We just had a bath. You know how they are!“, she returns, giving him a peck on the cheek, which he copies. Then she moves to Steve, also kissing him, so he hugs back and returns the favor, a little shy, while she asks: "Are you feeling better, Steve? Mom said you had a heart attack from that mission, are you okay?“ It's all so confusing to him, he just nods and stutters. "Yeah, yes, I'm fine.“, hardly registering the noise from upstairs. Until it is too late.

🌟

"Daddy!!! Babbi!!!“, two shrill high voices are screaming in canon, and Steve freezes in shock, while two kids are running down the stairs, almost falling the last steps. Just to be caught by Bucky, who whirls them around with a radiating smile, laughing: "There you are! Oh we missed you so much!“, and kissing them. The children, a little boy and a girl, both look a bit foreign, with olive skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair. But they speak without accent, talking in high, excited kiddy voices, trying to get Bucky's attention at the same time.

Sharon releases Cap and turns to grin at the happy reunion, but he feels like his soul is leaving his body. Stares at the absurdity of this fantastic constellation, and the awkward situation it presents. Him and Bucky. Not roommates. A couple. Lovers. And now: parents. A family. A happy family. Because that is what he sees: Children, frantically laughing, giggling, hugging their returning father. And the smile on Bucky's face... He thought he'd already seen the worst, because best, smile his friend could muster, as it wasn't back at home, but in this fake world. However, this one takes the cake. He's so happy. So immensely happy.

It hurts Steve to look. He quickly covers his eyes, tries to hold back tears, overwhelmed by the scene. It's too much. Far too much. He's getting shivers, and he thinks there is a weight pulling him down. But then he realizes, that the little boy is tugging on his trousers, looking up at him with worried eyes. The girl is also looking at him and asks: "Daddy, are you okay? Are you hurt?“ He doesn't know what to say. Part of him feels humiliated by this position his friend placed him in. It just goes against everything Steve had been brought up with. It feels wrong. Shameful somehow. Another part of him feels sad. Sad for Bucky, for having to tell him the truth, that this is not real. And it makes himself sad too, in a way. He does want a family, and a loving home to come to, and friends who are safe and not dead... It tortures him, knowing none of this could ever be. The world isn't safe, he in no position to settle, and anyways: with whom? With Bucky? His best friend? Impossible!

'Why does it hurt so much to look into their worried faces?', Steve asks himself, 'They're not real! I don't even know their names!' It's Bucky who comes to his rescue, calling the kids back over to himself: "Kheial! Roya! Come here you two.“, kneeling down to explain: "Look, Daddy is still recovering from the mission we went on, he is very tired, and needs a lot of rest, okay? But he loves you, and he missed you very, very much!“ Sharon steps in, offering: "Steve, if you need to lie down, I can stick around...“ "Yes, please!“, he quickly responds, "Just lead the way.“ Her and Bucks look at him a bit surprised, but the Shield agent just confirms: "Okay, follow me. Are you feeling dizzy?“ "A bit.“, Steve lies, wishing to get away from the happy family as soon as possible.

Bucky meanwhile tries to occupy the kids: "Say, you two could do me a huge favor! Can you rush outside and get our bags?“ He's hardly done saying it, when the boy already makes a dash for the door and the girl confirms: "Yes Babbi!“, running after her brother, while Steve tries to follow Sharon up the stairs inconspicuous. Bucks calls after the children: "But work together, the bags are rrrreally heavy!“ Cap furrows his brows at this, slowly ascending the cushioned steps. When Sharon made it up and turns to the left, he can hear the kids returning, the boy boasting: "Babbi, look how strong I am!“, and the girl comments: "You lied, they're not heavy at all!“, but his friend acts astonished: "What? But they are sooo heavy! You two must have gotten really strong, while we were gone!“ He can hear the children giggle, and Rogers still needs to be careful not to cry, when Carter calls to him: "Okay, here you go, Steven. Do you need anything else, can I get you some water or something?“, as she gestures to an open door.

Cap turns to look inside, seeing a master bedroom, with again just one large bed, two night stands, a dresser and a big closet. And pictures. Loads of photos, drawings and paintings, some standing on the dresser, others hanging on the wall over the bed: portraits of himself, Bucky, the children, even some of their pets, with one big family photo in the middle. It shows all of them sitting on a couch, him and Bucks wrapping one arm around each other, the other around the children sitting on their legs, the kids holding the Pomeranian and the chubby cat on their own laps, another cat lying on the arm rest, facing away from the viewer, and the Saint Bernhardt stretched out on a rug at their feet. And all of them are smiling! Even the chubby cat looks content.

Cap covers his mouth with one hand, and tries to act normal, just walking inside to sit on one side of the bed, but the Shield agent is still there, eyeing him with worry, and asking concerned: "Steve, what's wrong? Why are you so upset? Are you in pain?“ Oh God, he would so love to tell her! Just talk to someone, to vent his frustration. Right then, the other cat makes its way into the bedroom, not caring for the humans' concerns or their emotional struggle, like cats do. Or as they should. But this slender black and white spotted feline casually walks up to Steve, jumping on his lap and bumping its head against his hand, still pressed against his lips. And Steve gulps.

Then he breaks down crying. Silently weeping, petting the fake cat, sitting on the fake bed, the fake Sharon moving to sit next to him, putting her fake hand on his shoulder. He doesn't listen to her. But he hears the deep, dark purr that the creature on his lap is giving off. "Francis?“, Steve sobs, and it almost looks like the cat wants to answer, closing its eyes in a friendly manner, while flicking its tail, to bump against Steve's hand once more. Just like he had always done.

🌟

Way, way back in the thirties, Steve had raised the little runt, after Bucky had brought it home on Independence Day. Right when they had moved together, after Steve's mother had died. He had given him the tiny kitten, that it's owner wanted to drown in a rain barrel. He remembers the sheepish look his friend had, as he eyed the little creature that would cost them time and money to raise, while he explained: "He wanted to kill it, just because it's taking longer to grow. He said it's too weak, and only a burden. I couldn't let him do that!“

Steve recalls how moved he was, feeling the kitten tremble in his hand, to relax when he covered it with the other, keeping it warm and safe, and how he had turned to Bucky, asking: "So you're giving it to me?“ How Bucks had gulped: "Sorry, I...“, and he interrupted him: "You know, I would have done the same! Thank you for stepping in!“ How Bucks had started to smile, putting one hand on his shoulder to say: "Well, in that case: Happy Birthday, Stevie! What are we gonna call it?“ And how he had proposed: "Well, can't tell if it's a boy or a girl yet. How about Francis?“

Steve later wondered, if Bucks had known up front how good it did him to have an objective like that. Take care of a needy little creature. Protect it, so it could live. And watch it grow and prosper. Which Francis did. He grew to be a big, proud tomcat, keeping their flat free of rodents, chasing the pigeons on the roof. And returning the love and care they both gave him, by rolling into a ball to cuddle at night, either at Bucky's feet, or next to Steve's torso, keeping him warm. Or purring on his lap, while he was busy sketching.

But it couldn't last. Somehow, back then fate was set on taking everyone Steve loved away from him. After he'd become a full grown cat, Francis started to have fits. Just freezing in one place, mewing in deep distress, slobbering like crazy. And once or twice even wetting himself. Whenever it happened he looked so frightened, eyes growing wide, his tail clenched between his legs. And he didn't recognize Steve. One time he even jumped off his lap when it started, trying to hide under a chair, and when Steve wanted to comfort him, he shied away. The fits only lasted for a few seconds each time, and Francis just looked confused but otherwise fine when it ended.

Steve still felt bad to see their pet in such agony. And then, one day, he found him lying dead in the court between the buildings where they lived, bleeding from the mouth. A neighbor told them he had fallen off the roof. It had upset him so much, he was willing to go along with Bucky's mad idea of breaking into the cemetery to bury the feline next to his mother: "That way, you can always visit them both! Sarah will take care of Francis, and he'll keep her company. Until we see them again.“

Steve just cries. And doesn't resist, when Sharon helps him lie down on the bed, the cat curling up next to him at once. He hardly hears the Shield agent talk to him, assuring him it will be alright, bringing a glass of water to set down on the nightstand. And he also ignores the laughter and screeching of children coming from downstairs. He just wants all of it to end. It hurts so much. He remembers how he had kept his brave face on during Francis' burial, until Bucky had forced himself to cry, just so his stubborn friend could open up too. Or maybe he didn't need to force himself.

But Steve did stay strong and held his tongue, when he had spoken to the vet he met at the library not long after. The man had listened to his observation, and guessed: "Sounds like he might have had epilepsy. Did he die in a fit?“ "Maybe. The neighbors said he fell of the roof.“, he'd answered. "Hm. They usually don't fall like humans do. But he might have been disoriented. Bet you're grateful.“, the man had said with a soft smile. "Grateful? How so?“, he had demanded, and the vet had delivered a speech, that had sounded all too familiar to him:

"Well sure, pets can be like family to someone, especially if there's not much of that left. But still, having to take care of someone so sick and vulnerable, without the chance of them ever becoming well and capable to contribute, while only costing others, I mean... this was the easiest way out for everyone, right? You didn't even have to pay to destroy it, at least the beast had the curtsy to put itself out of it's misery for you. You can be grateful God took that burden off your shoulders.“ 'It's all just so unfair!', Steve thinks, petting over the fake purring ball of fluff by his side, that's trying to soothe the all too real pain in his chest, until that's all he's able to comprehend.

🌟

Chapter Text

"Hey Steve. Wake up.“, Rogers hears, as someone gently shakes him by the shoulder. He opens his eyes and sees Bucks kneeling by the bed, only illuminated by the hall light shining through the half open door. Steve is still a little confused, that he is waking up inside a dream, half remembering the chaotic things he saw. Like Francis being part of the Howling Commandos, or Bucky and himself getting married in a cemetery, both wearing white dresses, while Black Widow was watching them in her uniform, talking in a strange language into a walkie-talkie. He's a bit embarrassed, and has to twist his tongue a few times, to get the bad taste out of his mouth, that you only get from going to sleep without brushing your teeth.

Again amazed at the precis details of this world, he asks himself frightened: 'What if it is another universe? What if going under just teleports you to another dimension, and all of this is real?' "Seeing you're not feeling well, I figured we just order pizza tonight, hope it's fine with you.“, his friend informs him. Steve rubs over his eyes and responds: "Uh, sure. No problem.“ "Is there anything special you want?“, Bucks asks, "I already ordered, but there's enough time to add something.“ "No thanks, just the usual will do.“, Steve quickly says, sitting up. He's trying to find a way to speak to his friend, tell him about the truth, as much as it hurts himself to say it.

But then his gaze falls back on the nightstand, where the untouched glass is sitting, next to a colorful drawing and another sheet of paper. "What's this?“, he asks curious. Bucky turns on the little lamp on the nightstand, and informs him: "The kids wanted to show you their achievements, and I told them to just put them next to you, so you'll see them when you wake up. Kheial drew a picture of you in kindergarten, and wants to know, if you like it.“ Steve picks up the crayon scribbled page, and looks over it. Two very stick-men like shapes are depicted, one little and held in orange, with a green torso and blue legs, the other tall and pink, with a blue uniform, and a dark blue apron, holding up an egg shaped disk, colored red and white with a blue star in the middle. The figures are holding each others knobbly hands, standing on fizzy neon green grass, a huge pink and purple butterfly flying over them, and a yellow sun shooting its rays from a corner. And everyone is smiling, even the butterfly.

Steve has to smile too, asking: "What's that on the apron: 'Kill the cook'?“ Bucky smirks and replies: "Well, he got two out of three! Can't blame him for better knowing how to spell kill than kiss, after all.“ It sounds a bit strange to Steve, but he doesn't know how to respond, so he just turns over the paper, seeing that it had been folded previously. And then reads what an adult must have written on the front of the card the artwork is supposed to be: 'Happy Mother's Day to Steve Rogers. Drawing by Kheial Barnes-Rogers, May 10, Butterfly Group, Saint Patrick's Nursery'.

Steve has to chuckle at the absurdity of seeing their names joined like that, but also gets a little bitter about it, and looking at Bucky he asks: "How come he only drew me?“ His friend sits down next to him, slightly amused, telling him: "Well, they did say, draw your mother for Mother's Day, and apparently they also had a discussion about what a mother does for her children, so he put an apron on you. According to Sharon, the kindergartners had quiet a laugh at Captain America in a cooking uniform.“ Steve is a little uneasy and remarks: "Well, just because I'm a bit more homely perhaps, I mean... he does call me Daddy, didn't he think that's strange?“ Bucks furrows his brows a little, and tries to remind him: "Well, sure, but technically he's right. After all, you are their mother.“

"But I didn't give birth to them.“, Steve replies, a bit taken aback by the statement. Only to feel a horrifying sensation crawl over his back, when he sees Bucks concerned look, thinking: 'Oh dear God, don't say I did! That's just messed up, don't say you did that to me, please!' But when his friend assures him: "Yeah, but you're signed in as the mother, remember?“, he feels stupid, recalling how foreign the names and faces are, and that of course they must have adopted the children. Or better, Bucky made up they had adopted two kids somewhere along the way.

Steve tries to sound casual, wiping over his forehead: "Right, right, sure. Uhm... why was that again?“ But his friend looks confused, only to smile at him and state matter-of-fact: "Because gay rights aren't a thing in Afghanistan, and I was quick enough to sign first! But let's be honest, the way those officials were organized, they'd probably have given us a marriage certificate too. You didn't know what you were signing anyways.“ Steve wonders over this. Does his friend mean he tricked him into it? Because deep down he knows, this could never happen? And that he had to say it: 'Gay rights aren't a thing in Afghanistan.'

But in America they are now. Cap hardly ever thinks about it, but it's actually something strange. Two men can have babies together, raise a family, and it's okay. 'Because it should be.', Steve ponders, 'They should have the same rights. But I can't be like this. Then again, Bucky wasn't supposed to be like this either!' Shaking his head, he picks up the other paper, and scans over it. "Oh, uh, a spelling test. Hm. So Roya got a B, that's good!“, he reckons. He catches Buck's startled expression, before his friend starts to laugh: "Yeah, pretty good. She's really proud. So remember to congratulate her!“ "Mhmm, will do.“, he promises.

🌟

Cap then thinks, maybe now would be a good time to talk to his buddy about the whole situation. While he's calm and relaxed, not under any stress or deadline, just the two of them sitting together talking. 'He must have noticed, that this is all news to me!', Steve hopes, and wants to address it, when he hears a doorbell ring, and the children downstairs cry: "Babbi, Babbi, pizza is here!“ "Coming!“, Bucks calls to them and gets up to move, so Steve silently curses and follows him, still holding the two sheets of paper in his hands. Coming down the steps he watches as his buddy moves to the door, but doesn't open it. Instead, he stands a little to the side, to open the cover over the little peep hole, and wave his hand across it. Then he instructs the kids: "Roya, can you and your brother please set the table for me?“ "Okay. Hi Daddy!“, the girl chirps and waves at him when she turns to skip back into the room with the scratching post.

Only then does Bucky move to look through the hole, while the doorbell rings again. This sight seems much more familiar to Steve. When dealing with spies or assassins, you never want to just answer the door, even when you expect someone. And before you answer, don't stand right in front of it, because that's where they'll shoot first. Or they'll aim at the peep hole, and once they see it's been opened and someone moved in front of it, they'll shoot you right between the eyes. It was sometimes hard for Steve to lay off that behavior after a mission, but Bucky never did. He ate, slept, and breathed in high alert, always. At least his Bucky did. Now he was just being careful, to show him everything was under control, the way he'd done with the lock on the bathroom door. Just like old times, doing everything he could to make Steve feel safe and comfortable. It still moves him.

"Daddy, can you help me with the cups?“, the girl calls over, and while Bucky is busy paying the pizza boy, Steve decides: 'Oh, what the heck!', and moves to answer the call. His daughters call. It feels weird. But also a little exciting, as he walks into the dining hall, seeing even more cat furniture, and also some blankets and a dog basket on the left, and a plain, sturdy table standing in the middle, with four chairs seated around it. Behind it, big windows going from top to bottom, and a glass sliding door lead to a patio and a backyard lined with kids toys, surrounded by a high fence for privacy.

"Daddy, are you coming?“, the girl asks a little impatient, and when he looks over to the right, where her voice is coming from, he looks at a shiny steel kitchen. Clean and organized, dinnerware, glassware, and more lined up in cupboards with neat windows, counter in what appears to be black marble, and with a cooking island under a range hood, kitchen utensils hanging from it. Steve is held in awe by the practical modern design, that must have cost a fortune to install. A kitchen that could only be rivaled by that of a professional restaurant or the one Stark had. He can actually feel himself get giddy with the desire to cook in such a kitchen. Until he remembers, that this is just a dream that will never come true.

Clearing his throat he continues his path, until he's standing next to the cooking island, eyeing the little girl that is waiting for him, standing on a stepladder in front of the cupboard with the glassware. He's about to go and open it to hand her some cups, when she suddenly smiles and asks: "Did I do well?“ "Uh, with what?“, he replies confused, making her look a little unsure as well, clarifying: "The test. I got a B!“ "Oh, yeah, right, right.“, Steve remembers, placing the papers on the counter. And looking over the sheet with the bright red B circled at the top, he remarks: "Yes you did really good! A B, that's very good, you can be proud of yourself. Uhm, congratulation!“ The girl gives him another shy smile, and wants to know: "Are you proud of me too, Daddy?“

"Kheial, can you please come guard the pizza, I don't want Albert eating half of it again!“, Bucks shouts behind them, placing some cartons on the table, so Steve hurries to assure her: "Yes, of course I'm proud of you! Uh, Roya. Yes, I'm very proud, you make me very proud.“ He hopes that's enough to get on with the task, and wants to turn to grab the cups, but the little girl still continues: "I worked really hard for it! I wanted to make you proud!“, and she looks up at him with big eyes. It's so touching, that Steve now goes to bend down, smiling at the kid and saying: "And you did it! See, when you set your mind to it, and you work hard, you can achieve anything!“ Her eyes light up, and Steve can't help himself, he pats her head and assures her: "But just so you know, I'll always be proud of you! You don't have to achieve something to make me proud, I'm already proud of you.“

"Yes princess, we're proud to have you as our daughter!“, Bucky suddenly buds in behind him, taking the girl in his arms and raising her up to give her a big kiss, making her giggle. Then he playfully scolds her: "Now quit stalling, I thought I asked you to set the table?“ "I wasn't stalling, I can't reach the cups, and Daddy didn't set them down for me!“, the girl argues, so Bucky instead turns to him with a grin to say: "Aha, so it's Daddy's fault? Steve, you have to stop spoiling her, she's well capable of carrying a few cups!“

"Babbi, which one is mine?“, the little boy asks from the table, and so Bucks yells over his shoulder: "The one with the long writing on it! But don't start yet, you have to wait for us, okay?“ "But I'm hungry now!“, the boy argues, and one of the dogs starts to whimper. Steve quickly gets four glass cups from the cupboard, and places them on the counter, while Bucky lets down the girl and turns back to the table, warning: "Kheial, we talked about this! Wait till everyone is seated. And don't feed the dogs of the table, it's very bad for them!“

🌟

Steve tries to think up what he should do next, when his eyes are caught by two colorful pieces of clothing, hanging on the wall. He walks up to them to find they are actually cooking aprons, and there are not two, but four of them. One big blue one has 'Kiss the cook' written on front, with the dot on the I forming a flame. A smaller blue one, fit for a kid, is right next to it, half hidden under the big one. It also has text, reading: '...and his lil nugget!', with something that could either be a gold, or a chicken nugget, in bright yellow with a bit of gold glitter depicted underneath.

Next to them are two bright pink aprons. The large also reads: 'Kiss the cook', with the difference of the dot being a heart shape here. And the little pink one, Steve has to examine closer. It must once have read: '...and her lil muffin!', with a chocolate cupcake, decorated with white frosting and colorful glitter sprinkles underneath. Only the 'her' has been changed into a 'his'. The embroidery isn't as closely stitched as the original text, but he can see the effort the person made. And he wonders, if it is his own craftswork he's admiring here. Because Bucky always hated everything to do with laundry, from sorting it to washing, over ironing or folding, right down to any needlework that had to be done.

Even when they had to fight in the war, if he had a loose button, he'd ask Steve to take care of it. Which he gladly did. Some of the other soldiers had been surprised, and tried to mock them for it, but Cap brushed it off, saying they always worked together under the premise that everyone should do what they are best at to help the other. And after all, when they had been sharing rent, Bucks was only too happy to take the responsibility of keeping the apartment clean, dusting, mopping up, doing the bathroom, and such. Steve was content, since he was prone to exhaust himself, trying to do it all in one go, and the dust could trigger his asthma. And just as he remembers all this, he suddenly wonders if that was why Bucky wanted him to do laundry instead. Keeping fair shares, but still giving him the stuff that was easier for him, not because he hated it, but because he wanted to help him without making him feel less capable.

🌟

"Daddy sit down, I wanna eat!“, he hears the boy whine and his friend adding: "Yeah Steve, come sit with us, so we can have dinner together.“ He turns round, embarrassed to see the little family sitting around the table, all set with a box of pizza and a glass of water before them, looking over to him. Blushing overwhelmed he excuses himself: "Sorry, I was... just lost in thought a little.“, moving to go and take the last seat. He almost makes the mistake to open his box to signal they can start, when the little boy, sitting next to him, grabs his hand. And then he sees the girl reaching over to him, holding hands with Bucky, who already reached across to also hold the boys hand.

Steve quickly extends his free hand, again feeling a lump form in his throat, when he realizes that this is a family, sitting around a table with joined hands, probably getting ready to pray before enjoying a meal together. A family that he is an important part of. And that is completely fake. He feels tension rise, as the others look at him attentive, as if expecting him to say something. But then Bucky saves him again, telling them: "I would like to start tonight. So... I'm thankful, that my family is safe, and that we are all healthy.“

Then he turns to Roya, who picks up the thread excited: "I'm thankful my dads are back home, and I'm thankful they are proud of me, and I'm thankful Kheial and I are safe, and that we got to play so much with aunt Sharon!“ Steve thinks he is next, as they'd been moving clockwise around the table, but the little boy just cries: "And I'm thankful for pizza!“, making Bucks snicker. But then they really do look at him with anticipation. He quickly tries to think of something inconspicuous, but his partner already thanked God for a safe and healthy family. So what could he say? But then, looking over at his best friend, he just states: "And I... I'm just happy to be here! I'm thankful, that I'm alive.“, hoping to get the idea into Bucky's head, that sometimes that is all you need, because it is all you get. Even if it hurts. "Amen!“, the others answer, and the children quickly let go of his hands, to open their cartons and dig in.

Steve also opens the box, that was marked with 'Daddy' in blue sharpie, to look at his dinner. He's a little confused. Back when he'd been growing up, meat was expensive, and fish was too, so eating them was a luxury he didn't have every day. But once he had landed in this time, where it was so cheap that it didn't seem like indulgence to him anymore, he'd adopted the diet most Americans would practice, eating it almost daily in some form or another, and at times more than once. He knew it wasn't really healthy, but it didn't affect his super metabolism negatively, so there was no need to be restrained. He therefor is a bit bemused to only find vegetables on his pizza.

But as he looks around, noone else his having any meat either. Bucks is digging into his large mushroom pizza with onions, tomatoes, and peppers, the girl is eating her kiddy pizza with broccoli, corn, tomatoes, and black olives, and the boy also has one with olives and corn, but basil and mozzarella as the other toppings. Steve thus simply picks up his cutlery to try some little bites of his adult size veggie pizza with broccoli, peppers, onions, and artichokes. He's astonished he actually likes them. Expect for the artichoke, which doesn't really surprise him. He can even get that Bucks and him, being parents of young, impressionable children, would want to lead by example and not indulge unhealthy fast food on the regular, and even then opt for the least fatty variant. But artichokes?

He shakes his head a little, trying to chow down the good greens without complaining, but still wishing, he didn't need to eat them to keep playing his part. The large Saint Bernhardt moves up to sit next to him, slowly wagging his tail, expecting some scraps to fall off his cardboard plate so to speak. But Steve doesn't give into the dogs begging, as not to cause it to adopt it as regular behavior. And just as he's chewing another pleasant bite, really tasting the pepper and the onion, he wonders again: 'Why not? I could just throw everything on the floor and walk out! It's not real, I don't have to be considerate. But... why do I still feel like I do?'

The boy suddenly demands: "Daddy, can I try some?“ "Hm?“, Steve looks over to him, "What do you want to try?“ "That there! What is that? Can I try?“, the boy repeats, pointing his fork at one of the artichokes. Rogers smirks and offers: "Sure, if you like, try one!“ "Can I have some too?“, the girl immediately chirps, and Cap lets them both shovel up one of the vegetables with their silverware, explaining: "They are called artichokes. If you like them, feel free to take more!“ "They are good for your heart!“, Bucky chimes in, giving the boy a confirming nod, as he starts chewing on the plant.

'They are good for your heart.' 'Mom said, you had a heart attack.' 'Thought I'd lost you, punk!', Steve remembers all of a sudden. And it touches him again, thinking how it had always been a problem before the serum. Him and his stupid weak heart. How he'd have to watch out because of it. Always tending to its needs. As did Bucky. Was this really the regular he'd have? Or did Bucks add the topping, either out of subconscious routine, or open concern? When he sees the children digging in, excited at this new dish to them, he sheepishly also helps gobble up the last of the artichokes, before returning to eat the rest of the pizza with more grateful satisfaction.

🌟

Chapter Text

Eating with children is a rather new experience for Steve. And although awkward at times, it's not really unpleasant to have someone ask silly little questions that seemingly come out of nowhere, to then marvel wide eyed at the simple truths him or his partner would tell the kids. After they're done, Steve hopes to have some time to sit Bucks down for a chat, but instead, the little ones demand to play a game. "At least one thing, play one thing with us!“, the boy begs and the girl adds: "You were gone so long, we missed you! And then you stayed away another day, when we thought you'd come back. At least play one game with us, Daddy.“

Cap doesn't dare to argue, that they themselves had said they played with Sharon already, and that his friend most likely also entertained them during his nap. A nap within a dream. So instead, not wanting to take chances, Steve opts: "Alright, but only one quick round, and something very simple, I'm really tired. Something like Memory, how about that?“ Interesting enough, the kids eyes light up, and they both jump up to be the first to get the game from a shelf located on the wall joining the stairs, next to the scratching post. They return with a bright orange box, with purple and green letters spelling out: 'Family memory'.

It looks very artistic, and Steve likes the design. Bucky and Roya mix the plates, whose background is plastered with the same image, then Steve and Kheial spread the cards on the table, making ten by ten rows. And then they start playing. Steve luckily catches on quickly that it's not a game between the four of them, but more like a playful duel between the kids, with him and Bucks being their respective cheat code to help them remember where a piece might be lying. So far the pictures were pretty ordinary, some photographs, others sketches and drawings, in the same art style as before. But then Steve turns over a plate, revealing a picture of Bucky, reading a book.

"It's Babbi reading bedtime stories!“, Kheial grins amused, and Steve notices, that all the other pictures had prompted the kids to say something like that too. Not call it 'blue and red egg', but 'eggs from the Easter bunny', not just 'duck', but 'duck from the park lake', and not 'washing machine' but in a rhyme 'washing machine, that makes the clothes clean'. Always something more explicit, as if they spoke of something personal. Like the drawing of the tea in a cup, that Roya had called: "Chamomile tea against tummy ache.“ Familiar memories, if you will. 'It must be a game you can buy personalized.', Steve thinks touched, especially when the next, non-matching tile he turns over, shows himself with his sketchbook, and Roya squeaks: "And that's Daddy drawing some doodles!“

The game keeps him a little on edge, as each new tile bears the possibility of showing him or someone else from the table, and sure enough there are some more, like Roya sitting on a seesaw 'that you need someone else to play with', Kheial wearing some red and orange lizard costume as 'Charmander, the fire Pokémon', whatever that was, himself sitting on the other motorcycle 'riding a bike, always with a helmet'. And then one that is half covered by a drawn outline of a heart, framing his and Bucky's face. "Kissing! Because you love each other so much!“, Kheial squeals in delight, and Steve for the first time asks himself, what kind of culture clash it must have been for these two, to come from a conservative, religious country, and then get adopted by an openly gay couple.

He wonders if they had needed to adapt to it. And then tries to shake the feeling, as he's just wasting time, pondering over the struggles of imaginary children. Luckily Roya does him the favor of finding the second tile right away, sparing him the humiliation of having to see him making out with his best friend over and over again. To his relief, that is the cringyest picture the deck holds, and they are soon done playing, him and Kheial winning by a hair, with only two pictures more than Roya and Bucky. And since the children have both yawned more than once in the last few minutes, their Babbi is able to go and bring them up into bed without much protest. He only asks his spouse to: "Make sure to start the dishwasher and bring out the garbage, or else the dogs will try to raid it again in the night!“

🌟

So Steve retreats into the kitchen. Once more marveling at the practical, yet homely order that he felt comfortable in right away. Cleans up, and does as he's told, although it takes him some figuring out to start the machine with the right program. And then looking around the kitchen with curiosity, gets to know the different shelves, cupboards and electrical devices, a bit sad at never having to use them. When he comes across the trash bags, he shrugs and empties the containers to put in new ones, as ordered.

He also collects all the now mostly empty pizza boxes, a little uneased at the slices the children left over. Now cold and having some bites taken out of them, they don't look that appealing anymore, but it still irks him to throw out food. He considers eating them, but he's feeling full. Wonders if he should give in to the Saint Bernhardt, following him around, still trying to beg for the leftovers. But ultimately decides, that it doesn't matter anyways, so he just grabs everything, including the smelly garbage bags from the kitchen, and makes a move to go outside.

He's able to stop himself just before opening the door, remembering that he'll need a key to get back in. Not that it matters much, but still. So he scouts for, and finds some keys, hanging on a few pegs behind the door, left of the wardrobe. Trying them out one by one, until he finds one that he can lock the door with. Satisfied, he unlocks it again, pockets the key and finally goes out, into a breezy suburban night. He hears some crickets singing, and the faint buzz of traffic on the highway. But apart from that, they seem to live in a quiet neighborhood. He takes out the trash, hoping that it wont attract raccoons that will raid the outside cans, instead of their canines rummaging in the ones in the kitchen.

Then he returns inside, and stops to stand in the hall, a bit unsure, and also puzzled by the dogs sitting right at the entrance of the right side room that he hasn't explored yet, as if waiting for something. And then he almost shrieks, and the dogs scurry away, while the chubby beige cat makes a run for it up the stairs, as a loud and shrill alarm goes off. Cap's standing in shock, covering his ears and tries to figure out what's happening. Then he hears his friend running upstairs, and once in view, the White Wolf leaps down to his level with just one jump, cursing: "Dammit Steve, what are you doing? Do you want to wake the whole neighborhood?“ He hurries to get past him, to stand in front of the organized key pegs, and press a part of the wall above them. A compartment opens, showing a digital display, which Bucky swiftly taps something on, making the noise stop.

Then, typing some more, only to close the hidden compartment again, he turns to Cap and hisses angry: "What the hell, Steve? Why do you set the alarm, and then don't shut it off again, if you needed to go outside?“ "Ugh, I... I just forgot, I'm sorry!“, Steve stammers, as he feels himself getting riled up at Bucks annoyed frown. But then the kids appear at the top of the stairs, Kheial hugging his sister tightly, and Roya asking scared: "Did something bad happen? Do we need to hide?“ "No, no everything is fine, dear!“, Bucks quickly assures the two with a kind smile, "Daddy just forgot the alarm, that's all.“ The kids relax a little, but the girl then demands just as worried: "Babbi? Are you and Daddy fighting?“ Steve raises his brows, and his friend seems surprised too, asking: "Oh, nonsense! Why do you think so?“

Roya looks from Cap to Bucks and notices: "But you're angry at him. And he's been so quiet all day. And you didn't even kiss or cuddle each other, since you came home!“ Steve gulps, afraid his partner might want to assure the children of their ongoing love, by giving him a passionate kiss in front of them. But instead he gestures and calls them over: "Oh sweety, come here! Come here my lil nugget.“, and as the kids rush to come to them, he kneels down anew, nodding at Steve to do the same, who sheepishly complies.

And he mimics him, when his friend puts one arm around him and one around the two little ones in their colorful pajamas, looking at them anxiously, as he reassures them: "Daddy is just a bit tired. It was a long and dangerous mission. But we're both very happy to be back and see you again. And you can be sure, everything is alright, we love you, and we'll protect you, and that's all you need to know, okay?“ Then he kisses both kids on the forehead. Steve wants to contribute something, and thus thinks of a gesture, following Bucky's example, but rubbing in the kiss, by drawing a little cross on the skin with his thumb. Bucks smiles and explains to them: "See, we both love you! And Jesus and Allah will love and protect you too!“

Steve is a bit unsettled at this last statement, but seeing the kids relax and smile back at him, he feels somewhat relieved. Then his friend and him get back up, but Bucks bends down again right away, picking up both children to carry up the stairs, saying: "Now come along, let me finish the story, and then you go to sleep, agreed?“ "Okay, Babbi.“, the little boy responds, clearly tired. Steve is left behind, once more surprised at how real everything feels. And how much that hurts. He tries to keep himself occupied, biding his time until Bucks hopefully calmed down again, and was ready to listen to his own bedtime story, even if it didn't have a happy ending.

🌟

Cap explores the last room on the ground level, which seems to be the living room, containing the couch he had seen them all sit on in the portrait upstairs, with two doors under the staircase, one leading to a small bathroom and another showing steps leading into a cellar. The dogs follow him around, as if waiting for something, and when he turns to look back into the hall, tails the Pomeranian, eagerly scampering ahead to sit before the wardrobe. Steve opens it, and takes a look at the different coats, jackets, gloves, capes, caps and other accessories for going outside, tailored either to the two men, or more colorful, to the kids. Then he sees the dog leashes hanging on the inside of the door, just as Bucks comes back down asking: "Alright, they should be sleeping fine now. Are you ready to go for a walk?“

The dogs seem to wish to answer with a yes, the little one holding back another yipping attack, and the older wheezing a bit. "Ah, sure, yes. Fresh air'll do me good.“, Steve decides, hoping this could be his chance. Bucks gives him a little smile and then moves to the cupboard, opening it to get their shoes. Steve had wondered what happened to his, when he woke up without them, finding instead a pair of galoshes next to the bed. So he changes his footwear, taking a bit longer than his friend, who already takes out two of the leashes, attaching one to each of the dogs collars, before handing him one of those retracting lines that the Pomeranian is already stretching, nervously pacing up and down in front of the door.

"Okay, now make sure Pikachu wont re-enact Charlotte's web in a hedge somewhere, Sharon told me he started chasing after squirrels. But I guess the kids just didn't power him out like they should.“, Bucky informs him kindly, opening the door, "We'll just meet up at the usual.“ He hardly said it, when the little black and white canine already scampers outside, stretching the leash, jumping through a gap in the gate. Steve tries to run after him, gripping the handle tighter, yelling: "Hey, wait! Stop! Sit!“ He hurries to get to the iron doors, where he has to untangle the leash already, before quickly running down the street after the dog, that seems to need a marathon, more than just a little walk. He keeps trying to call it back, humiliated by having to evade a few pedestrians, most of which greet him and the dog like old acquaintances, and laugh at his ridiculous struggle to keep the tiny beast in check.

The disobedient mutt hardly ever slows down, not when it quickly raises its leg to pee on a tree or a lamp post, nor when they enter a park, where the orange lights give the vegetation an eerie glow. But then Steve hears a short whistle and Pikachu stops where he stands, just happily wagging his tail. Though Cap isn't really out of breath, it feels good to get a break, so he just stands there waiting, as he hears Bucks and Albert jogging up to meet them. Yet even before they are at level with each other, his friend smiles lascivious, saying: "Alright, now for the real deal... Try and catch me! Last one at the railway bridge has to he the bottom!“, to then dash off, down a path to his left.

Steve's surprised to see the old dog keep pace, but the Pomeranian quickly follows, so he also starts running again. He understands that it's supposed to be a friendly race, a tease between a couple, but it still makes him shiver, as he knows what Bucky is implying. Yet he also likes a challenge. So Steve actually goes for it, making long strides, closing in on, and passing his old friend, and once he can see some concrete structure in the distance, he picks up the pace even more, starting to wear on the small dog. It actually feels quiet good, running through the night like this, when he knows where he is going. And racing his friend, just like they used to do as kids, when Bucks would push him to his limit and beyond, trying to keep him fit, training his lungs, and giving him some pride, when he let him win. Sometimes it even felt real to him, as if he'd be able to outrun someone as fit as Bucky.

He gets that they are leaving the official part of the park, when he sees the remains of a chain link fence lying on the ground, a few yards away from where a graffiti covered wall is rising into the sky, to support a steal beam structure of rails, running overhead. Steve hurries to run up to the bridge, tense, but also a little proud over winning the race, and stretching his arm slaps against the concrete, yelling: "First!“, sliding to a halt. The tiny dog that tried to keep up with him, is still following on the stretched leash, panting exhausted, but wagging its little tail relentless. And so Steve grins a little embarrassed, when Bucks and Albert finally catch up with them, his friend complaining: "Couldn't you two youngsters at least pretend us old farts had a chance against you?“, and the Saint Bernhardt wheezing, its long tongue hanging out of its mouth like a stocking.

"Um, sorry. But you did challenge me!“, Steve tries to excuse, before telling himself, that he has no reason to do so. Yet Bucks just takes the leash of him, and making both dogs lose, only smirks: "Well, guess we know who's topping tonight!“ Steve's smile drops, but he tries to contain himself. He wants to speak up to tell Bucky about their problem, about the dream world they are in, but just then a train carrying a lot of containers and tanks is passing overhead, screeching and rumbling so loud Steve can barely hear the short whistles his friend makes to give the dogs commandos, who seem to be a bit irritated, but otherwise ignore the noise and just obey their master.

So Rogers observes and leans on the wall, even after the train has passed and Barnes lets the two pets play by themselves. Still unsure, he clears his throat. "Ugh, hm. Say Bucks? There is something I need to talk to you about!“ His friend is half facing away from him, and calls the animals back: "Albert! Pikachu, here! Well, then do it!? What are you waiting for?“ Cap is still lost at how to start, knowing it wont be easy to convince his friend, least of all if he isn't paying attention, so he demands: "It's not that simple. Can you come here for a minute?“

Then he witnesses bewildered, how Bucks gives the Saint Bernhardt the elastic leash to hold in its mouth, and the Pomeranian the short leather one of the old dog. Bucks asks: "Do you wanna go home?“ "No, I really...“, Steve starts, but his friend shushes him: "I'm not talking to you! Remember, we're still training them!“ Cap wants to complain, when Bucks loudly repeats: "You wanna go home? Okay, go home! Home!“, pointing to where they came from, and suddenly both dogs dash off, carrying each others leash. It confuses Steve and he can't really sort his thoughts, as another train passes overhead, making the dim light coming from above flicker once more.

🌟

Chapter Text

Bucks turns, slowly walking up to him with a tired smile. Steve leaves the wall to meet him, hoping to be able to ward off any too familiar advances his friend might want to make on him. But Bucky only places his hands on Steve's shoulders, not even pulling him closer, just smiling, and once the noise drowns out a bit, saying: "It's nice to have you with me again.“ Cap's hope goes up, praying Bucks might have seen through the charade, and finally noticed that this is not the reality he came from. But then his partner adds: "After all, it's a special place for us.“, he laughs a little, "Still can't quiet believe you damaged private property just to write something sweet for me!“ Steve furrows his brows, and turns to look at the spray paint covered wall, when his friend smirks: "On the other side, silly!“, lowering his arms.

Rogers is thankful he's retreating on his own, and actually he'd rather not go looking at what his other self has drawn on the concrete, but Barnes half leads him to go round the corner, so with a sigh he follows the invite. Yet when he sees the gray cement, hardly lined with paint, and more covered in ivy, he starts to search it with his eyes, confused at what Bucks might mean. The floor is littered with some bottles and cans, probably thrown from one of the passing trains. But the wall looks rather blank, only a few practice scribbles from graffiti artists, and some vulgar pictograms are on it.

🌟

Steve steps a bit closer, and finally sees something that might fit the bill, half covered by the ivy, when he hears a metallic click, something like a thud, and shattering, as the concrete above his head loses a chip, falling next to his foot, and leaving a crater with a hole in the middle. Like a bullet would do. He turns around, and sees Bucky standing a few feet behind, pointing a gun at him. His eyes get big and he wants to ask: "But Bucky...“ "You better stop taking my name in vain, pal!“, Bucks growls at him, "Or else this is gonna be a very long night for you! There is only one man who's allowed to call me that, and you're not him!“

Steve blinks at him, to explain: "Now hold on, that's not...“, but Bucks just hisses: "Don't even try to deny it! No matter how fucked up he might be from amnesia gas, Steve would never, ever forget his kids, and look at them like they're some surprise obstacle his superiors failed to inform him about!“ His eyes glare at Steve with cold hate, and a hidden fear he's trying to suppress. Just like the real Bucky. Hydras creature. The part of him, they molded into the Winter Soldier, and that he'd sometimes let loose, when they needed someone ruthless to do a job, that nobody wanted to do.

It hurts Rogers to see him back like this, he wants to apologize, wants to tell him the truth, wants to comfort him: "Okay, look, I'm really sorry, Bucky, but I am the real Steve! I am...“ "SHUT! Up.“, his friend interrupts however, aiming the gun a little lower, as he snarls: "And don't speak to me like that, I've warned you! I don't know what you are. You look like Steve, you sound like Steve, you smell like him...“, he steps a bit closer, "Your lips even taste the same as his. But you are not my husband.“ Cap slumps a little at this awkward revelation, putting up his hands to show he wont be a threat, and backing away, as he tries to reply: "Well, uhm, that may be right, but it's the other way around! He wasn't real.“

Another strange thudding click is the answer, and he suddenly feels a burning pain on his left upper arm, next to his elbow, while the wall behind it splinters into a new crater. He has to clench his teeth and cover the area with his hand, when he feels he is hurt and bleeding. And realizes, that the White Wolf just shot at him! "That felt real, didn't it?“, his old comrade mocks, "Now unless you want to keep up your charade and mimic Steve's 'I can do this all day', you better stop your bullshit and answer me!“, then he turns dead serious and demands: "Where is he? What did you do to him? He better not be dead, or else I'm gonna make you wish, you were!“

🌟

Now Steve is starting to fret. The pain feels real, and he has no doubt that Bucks would make good on his threat, if his answer doesn't satisfy him. And remembering how fruitless his last endeavor to escape the dream was, he fears this could turn ugly. So he looks his friend in the eye and hopes he sounds sincere, when he tells him: "He isn't dead. I didn't kill him. But it's not like he exists anymore either.“ His buddy's look changes for a second, into a confused and fearful one, but then his brows sink into a vicious frown, as he snaps: "That was the worst possible answer!“, and shoots at his right shoulder.

Rogers yelps in pain, and half closes his eyes in distress, so that Barnes can easily overpower him. Punching his belly, kicking his left shin, and turning him around, to also smash his head against the wall, making him dizzy. The White Wolf fixates him with a safety hold, and pressing the gun against his neck he snarls: "Last chance, bitch, before I'm gonna make you wish this was just a nightmare: Where! Is! He?!“ "But it is! It's just a dream, Bucky, please listen to me!“, Cap shouts in pain and frustration, "None of this is real, your home, your family, this bridge, the park, it's all a dreamworld that you made up! AARGH!!“

Bucks is smashing his elbow into his back, yelling: "Shut up with your Hydra shit, I'm not going back! If you're not willing to tell me where Steve is, I'm going to make you!!!“ "But I am Steve! I AM STEVE!!!“, Cap cries, "I'm your best friend, I just want to get you home, you're dying!“ Strangely enough, this gets the other of his back, and Steve places his hands against the cement, trying to catch his breath, and fight the pain. But only for two seconds, until his childhood friend turns him back round, challenging him with angry eyes: "Oh really? Prove it then! What's our safeword?“ Steve stares back confused: "Safeword?", furrowing his brows, as does his friend.

However, as he continues: “What's that? Uh... Please just listen to me...“, Bucks simply presses the gun against his chest with an angry look. In a desperate attempt, Steve wrings it from his grasp, and turns it on his friend instead, pleading: "Stop! Stop it please, Bucky, I really am Steve! Just let me talk to you!“ "So you can manipulate me?“, his friend argues, and tries to punch him. Thus, backing aside, he aims at his leg, and whimpering: "Please forgive me!“, pulls the trigger. But the weapon jams. Bucks stays where he is for a second, then shakes his head: "You really have no clue, do you?“

🌟

Steve looks at the gun, points it at the ground and tries again, but still nothing budges. Meanwhile, his old friend slowly pulls out a hidden knife from his belt, and growls: "Whatever you guys did to him, he was strong enough to resist. And now you get to suffer the consequences.“ Cap looks up just as he jumps at him, slicing at his hand so he drops the weapon for Bucks to catch. Who aims it at his right collar bone, while his victim is hissing in pain, trying to wrap the itching, bleeding hand in his shirt, feeling once more the stinging cuts in his arm and shoulder, and cursing through clenched teeth: "Fucking shit.“

The former Winter Soldier shushes him in a condescending voice: "Now, now, don't get out of character, you were doing so well! But hey, maybe now you feel like talking straight with me?“ Rogers has to lean against the wall, and gulping tries a different approach: "Look Buck-s. I get that you're scared, and hurt, and angry, but so am I! I just came here to find my friend...“, but Barnes shuts him up, by putting his knife against his throat, while he scoffs: "Oh, so that's a no then? What a shame.“ Steve is getting really upset, and so snaps: "Well, alright then, fine! You want him back? Kill me, that should do it! I only got to take his body anyways!“

At last, this gets Bucks to stop with the aggression, and the pressure he puts against his weapons becomes softer, while he steps back a bit, furrowing his brows. Just to squint at his friend, and ask in a dry voice: "You took his body?“ Steve takes a deep breath, nods and hopes he will now give him a chance with his side of the story. Instead, Bucks only pockets the gun, and still holding up the knife, puts the free hand on Steve's cheek, whispering: "Stevie? Is that really you? Are you in there?“ The look he's giving him is almost more painful than the bleeding wounds and the bruises. So he quietly answers: "I really am Steve. The real Steve, from outside this world...“

"LIAR!“, Bucky screams, tightening his grip and reaching back for his gun, his eyes cold again, and Steve yells unnerved: "Why wont you listen to me?“, and when the gun is back on his collar bone, "And what do you want with that thing, it's broken!“ But then Bucky aims the gun next to his face, and shoots once more, nicking Steve's ear and pulverizing more concrete, making his friend flinch. And then growls: "Stark tech. Customized to my hand. Only I can shoot it. Steve thought it was a good compromise, if I didn't want to give up on a private firearm.“, he comes closer, aiming it back at the bone, "Even you stupid Hydra bitches should be able to find out something like that. Why are you playing so dumb? Do you think, I'll take pity on you, and believe you're just a victim too?“

It's too much. Too real, too scary. Too complicated. Steve just wants to leave, and so, even though he's dreading the process, he moves his eyes up to the left corner. Once, twice, three... "Don't even think it, asshole!“, Bucks suddenly shouts, and moves to press the knife against Steve's eye socket, the tip of the blade pointing at the pupil, "I'm not letting you get away that easy! You try to chicken out with another heart attack, I'll gouge out your eyes, one by one!“ Steve stares at his friend in horror, but the cold soldier warns him: "Don't play with me you bastard! I swear to God, I will do it! And I will notice, if you try! Cuz here's a little secret, I'm sure you didn't know!“, he leans in to whisper in his ear, "I know what you look like, when you want to do it. I don't even have to see your face to know what's going on.“

Steve gets shivers down his spine, and when he meets the former Winter Soldier's eyes, he's convinced he's telling the truth. And now he really feels threatened, thinking how he's supposed to move his eyes, if they are no longer there. Even if he is just dreaming. He's starting to sweat, and makes one last attempt to reach his buddy: "Bucks please, I just want to go home with you! I only want you to be okay, your body is decaying, you're trapped inside a tank, and we just want to get you out!“, but the other man silences him, by sticking the gun into his mouth, scraping the gums and chipping away a piece of canine tooth, giving Steve new pain to suffer, as he hisses: "Listen here you little shit! It's getting old, and I'm starting to really lean into the whole 'torture to break them' thing, so you better put on something new, before I'll make you sing!“

🌟

Steve starts to cry, as Bucks slowly retracts the gun, and also the knife, breathing heavy while focusing on him. His victim argues hurt: "You know, if the person really doesn't know anything, it's just sadistic to harm them. That's not who you are!“ But Bucks only pockets the gun once more, and insists: "You're right. It's not who I am. It's what your people turned me into! So, what goes around, comes around. And I know you aren't telling me everything...“ "Because you wont listen!“, Steve interrupts desperate, "I AM STEVE! And I just want to get you out safely! Like I promised you.“ Bucks only sneers: "You really sound like you believe that. They've conditioned you well. Unlucky for you, I know how to break people.“ He eyes Steve up and down, then pointing the knife back at his face demands: "Alright, hands behind your back.“

Steve complies, and has to inhale and whimper, when he is turned towards the wall anew, Bucks tearing up his shirt to tie his hands together, making the cut on his hand burn even more. "But... You said yourself, I am like him! How can you do this to his body?“, Steve questions, hoping to reach his friends compassionate side. And then he hears a zipper, and Bucks huffing: "Yeah, lucky for me, they modeled you real good after him. You look just like his clone. Maybe you are. But they should have given you a better training.“ Steve hears how he ruffles to open his pants, and starts to shiver, when the free hand reaches around his waist to unbuckle his belt too.

"No! No, you wouldn't do that!“, Steve yelps scared, but Bucks frowns: "You better believe I will! Don't underestimate what I'm willing to do, to bring Steve back!“, he pulls down his captive's trousers, making him gasp, "It's just tough luck for you, that you didn't bring any lube. That's gonna sting real bad. But hey, know what they say: blood works too!“ Steve anxiously starts to pant, pleading: "No, please Bucky, you couldn't do that! You would never...“ "I'm not too good to use your own methods against you, Hydra bitch!“, his friend interrupts angry.

Steve's heart stops. Just for a second, everything loses it's meaning: the pain, the fear, the cold of the concrete wall, his panic, Bucky's rough grip on his body. He turns around swiftly, surprising his captor, but catching the look in his eyes. And it breaks his heart. Numb against everything else, Steve whispers: "Oh Bucky, no!“ "Those tricks don't work on me!“, his friend yells, turning him back around, pressing his body against the wall, the knife close to his eyes again, before growling into his ear: "Final warning before I start fucking the shit out of you! And don't think I'm just being metaphorical, I had to do it all, and much worse, there is definitely nothing you can do to turn me off, asshole!“

Steve cries. He wants to struggle, feels like throwing up, clenching his butt and legs to protect himself. And can't decide what's worse: Having to endure being raped in a dream, or having to live with it standing between him and his childhood friend for the rest of their lives. And so he whimpers: "What if I'm telling the truth? Will you be able to live with that?“ But the Winter Soldier just scoffs: "I know what's real and what's not, you can't confuse me anymore! I already felt something was wrong with you, when you acted so terrified last night.“, he smirks, "You should have just said you had a headache, instead of showing me what you fear, dumbass!“

"I don't want you to do this, Bucky!“, Steve yelps, "Not just for my sake, for yours too! Please don't do this!“, and when he feels his friend reaching down to start jerking himself to get hard, he stares at the drawing on the concrete, and howls: "Please, do you really want to do this? To me? Here? Do you wanna taint your memory of this place?“ "What memory, you stupid Hydra bitch?“, his friend snaps, and Cap cries overwhelmed: "Steve plus Bucky 400!“ To his relief the man on his back moves away a little, and scowls in a curious voice: "What? Say that again!“ So he quickly rambles: "Steve plus Bucky 400 in a heart, right here, under the ivy! Your Steve wrote something sweet for you, here! Do you really want to do this to his body, right next to the writing? Please, reconsider!“

🌟

Cap's teeth clatter and he's shaking, feeling cold from the fear and the sweat on his exposed body being fanned by the night air, but gathering his hopes, as Bucks steps away another foot to the left, using his free hand to brush over the ivy. And uncovering the drawing, a bit washed out and spotted from the little roots clinging to it, even after he rips off the plant. And then Steve can see his friend's face, very close, examining the graffiti in shock, his mouth open to breathe: "No way!“ Then he turns back to him, angry and confused, pushing him against the wall, but facing the little sharpie scribble, to ask: "How? How did you draw this... How did you do this just now? HOW?!“

But Steve blurts: "I didn't, you told me he did! I was looking for it and found it, before you shot at me! Please Bucks, I just want to get you home, I want to help you, I promised...“ His friend now uses the hand with the knife to cover his mouth quickly, the other still next to the doodle, and demanding: "Shut up! Stop! Stop it right now! No... no, no you couldn't... how...“, while turning white with fear. Now Steve furrows his brows, and struggling to free his mouth, asks: "Why do you think I drew it just now, you said it's our special place! And why should I draw it? I don't know what 400 stands for!“

Another train is rumbling above, but this time Steve understands his buddy, when he stares at him in horror, explaining: "It's not 400! It's forever! A four and the infinity symbol... His special little doodle for me! But we've never been here before! I said that to test you, it was a trap! Why is this here?! How did you do that?“ He looks less and less sure of himself, starting to shake a little. So Steve straightens himself up, able to free his bound arms a bit, and wants to persuade him again, when he suddenly realizes something. And he tells him in a confident manner: "It's here because I expected to find it! Because you told me, I drew something, I found it! And it looks this way, because that's how you imagine it.“

"What the fuck are you talking about?“, his friend asks, pressing the knife against his throat again, but looking at him with pleading eyes. The train passed the bridge, and now the night's silence surrounds them anew, letting Steve repeat for the umpteenth time, but calm and collected now: "Bucky, this is a dream! You created this world, but now that I'm in it too, I can change it as well! And that's why the drawing appeared! I had no reason to doubt you, that's why it's real.“

🌟

Chapter Text

"No. No, stop it already with this bullshit!“, Bucks still tries to bargain, but Steve talks back provocative: "Oh sure, you can make up some other explanation that would suit you, like you did with the Hydra tank and the amnesia gas and the wires that you think I saw!“, his friend steps back a foot, as if hit, "But face it Bucks, you are no longer in control of everything, because now you're sharing the dream with me! And I'm real! I'm your real friend, and I'm here to get you back into the real world!“ "What?!“, his buddy interrupts, "How... Where do you want to take me? … Why?“ "Why?“, Cap gives back with a teary smile, "Because I'm your best friend, because I want you to be healthy, and because I miss you!“

The last words just slipped out by themselves. He had not planned on saying something so selfish. Bucky blinks a few times, shaking his head slowly, but loosening his grip on the knife, so Steve carefully steps aside, and then quickly pulls up his trousers to cover himself again. Bucks absentmindedly also puts his junk back, but he mutters: "You're saying, I'm dreaming this? But you're real, and you can talk to me?“ His face still looks unbelieving and alert, but Steve insists: "Yes! Damn Bucky, I've been trying to tell you...“, when his friend interrupts again with a raised hand, repeating: "This is fake? But you, you are from the real world?“

"Yes!“, Steve confirms, yet Bucks face hardens, as he starts to list: "You are from a world, where Howard and Peggy are dead? Our friends are dead, and Tony is an orphan? Peggy died of old age, and Howard... Howard was killed?“ Now Steve has to look away, a lump forming in his throat, and even more when his friend assumes correctly: "And I killed him?“ He turns to him to ask: "So, you remember?“ "No!“, Bucks insists hurt, "But when he asked, who'd have killed him, you turned to look at me.“ Steve feels awkward about this, and even more when his buddy assures himself: "So, I killed our friend?“ Cap just nods, and Bucks guesses: "Was that something Hydra made me do?“

Steve reluctantly explains: "Yes. They sent you on a mission to kill Howard and his wife. But he was married to a lady named Maria. Peggy never married.“ He has to look past him, but Bucks figures it out anyways: "Because she was waiting for you?“ Steve nods again and looks at his feet. It sounds as if his friend is starting to remember things, as he concludes: "So... I'm swimming in a tank with you, dreaming of a world where everything is alright? Where I'm not a murderer, where all our friends are okay... And where I have a nice home, and a family, and a loving husband, but it's all fake?!“ The 'loving husband' bit feels like a punch in Steve's stomach, but he raises his head to look into Bucky's eyes to confirm: "Yes. It's a perfect dreamworld.“

🌟

The White Wolf turns to pace back and forth nervously, shaking his head in shock. Cap gives him time, still trying to wrap his wounds and focus on their pain, instead of the one growing in his chest at seeing his buddy so distressed. "So, you don't love me.“, Bucky suddenly gives back, and it breaks Steve's heart, so he quickly corrects him: "I do! I love you, but...“ However, Bucky raises his knife to point at him, shushing him: "No! No, YOU do not love me! Steve loves me. He always loved me, and I loved him...“ Rogers' frustration returns, as he agrees: "Yes, I know you do, and of course I loved you back, I still do!“ But Bucks shakes his head, and he starts to specify: "I would bring him homework. Make sure he drank his liver juice, even though he hated it. I'd always look out for him, tried to calculate risks that might trigger one of his illnesses, because I wanted him to be safe and happy!“ Steve nods, but his old comrade continues: "And he'd try and back out, whenever I went to dance, so he wouldn't be a 'burden', so I could just enjoy myself, because he wanted me to be happy too!“

Cap is starting to furrow his brows, and unsure where this is going, lets his sergeant talk: "And he broke the rules, went to look for my unit in the war, because he wouldn't accept I was dead! He risked getting court-martialed for me. Because he loved me. And when he got me out of that torture chamber, the first thing I asked him, was if his transformation hurt!“, Rogers' eyes get big as he remembers, thinking how strange it sounds now, "Because I didn't care, what Hydra did to me! I was afraid I would never get home and be able to take care of Stevie, protect him, provide for him. And when he showed up like that, that was my first concern: How he felt! Because I loved him.“

Cap's mouth is dry, and he looks back at his buddy embarrassed, who glares at him, closing: "We were each others' everything! We always looked out for each other. Wanted each other to be happy. That was my Stevie! But you!“, a tear is running out of his left eye, slowly making it's way down his cheek, "You do not care, how I feel!“ Rogers shakes his head and objects: "Of course I care about you! That's why I'm here! If you stay here, you may never wake up again, you'll die in this fake world, because your body isn't healing anymore! You stopped fighting to get better, to get back to us!“

Barnes blinks a few times, but then confidently scoffs: "Exactly!“ When Cap just stares back dumbfounded, he explains: "I'm not pointing a loaded gun to my head. Steve would never accept that, committing suicide. But what you're telling me, means all I'm doing is floating in a tank, slowly letting some illness take me away. Basically refusing life prolonging procedures. Because I would return to a world where I'm a monster. A killer, without family, without friends, without a home, alone.“ "But you wouldn't be alone!“, Steve emphasizes, "You still have me!“ "As a friend. Right?“, Bucky hums gloomy, "As one of many. Sure, we go back a long way. But that's where the special treatment ends, right?“

And when Cap doesn't answer he elaborates: "So, those are my options: Be an outcast, and have a best buddy, who I can watch have a wife and family, growing old as a third wheel, observing his happiness from the shadows?“, Steve looks at his feet guilty, "Or stay in a delusion, where I finally, finally get to be happy? Not worry about him, but enjoy life with him by my side? Raising our beautiful children together, meeting our friends for some fun past time, or working with them as heroes to protect our family, our home, and our world?“ He suddenly steps close to his friend and resting his sad eyes on him whispers: "You wanna know, what my Stevie would say to that?“ Cap opens his mouth, but can't speak, and when he hesitates for too long, Bucks answers: "He would have turned on his heel to back out, wishing me a happy life! Because no matter how you look at it: He. Did. Love. Me!“

Somehow it makes sense to Steve. And seeing his best friend's tortured expression, the lines on his forehead as clear as before, he wants to agree. But he can't. Not just because life is too precious to let it go to waste like this. Not because Bucks could still have a happy ever after with whoever, build up a new home, a new reputation for himself. Not because it is the right thing to do. But because Cap can't let go. He can't just turn on his heel and wish him a good life in this delusion, no matter how happy he would be to spend the end of his days there. Steve can't let him go.

It's selfish. The most selfish thing he'll ever do. But he also doesn't want to break Bucky's heart like this. Showing him, revealing to him, that he's right, that his whole life lies in ruins, and the only person he cares about can never give him what he craves for so much. That there really is no home to come back to, and that he's damned to either get over him, or stay lonely forever. Steve doesn't want to disappoint him like that. And he remembers doctor Banner's words: 'The psyche has more bearing on health than any pill ever would. If he doesn't want to get well and wake up, there is nothing you can do, to change that.'

🌟

How can Cap show his friend, that his life is still worth living? Despite his gruesome past. Despite his complicated relationship with Tony, the Avengers, and Shield. Despite his lack of a safe and happy home and family. What else was left? Only Steve. Only his friendship. And his love for his childhood friend. Sadly, just a platonic love. One that would never lead to having children together. Without any romantic touching. A hug at most. No close cuddles. No holding hands. No kissing. And certainly no sex. Ever.

'But Bucky had had romantic partners in the past!', Steve thinks, 'He went on dates with gals. And made love to them...' Cap remembers a little bitter, how Bucky sometimes brought home a lady, and took her to his room for some fun. He would try and be discreet, but Steve always knew. And it made him jealous every time. His only comfort lay in the certainty, that they would be gone in the morning. And that they never truly meant anything to his friend. But now he suddenly knows why.

So he's back to square one. If Steve is all that's left for Bucky to come home to, and even he rejects him in a way, denying him the physical pleasures a partner could give him, why would he want to wake up to such a reality? Just to have someone remind him: 'Hey, remember how I was sick and weak, and you would do anything for me? And how I never made it up to you, once I was big and strong, because I was busy having women moon over me? And how I dropped you in the Alps to be mistreated by Hydra, and never went looking for you?' Yeah, great prospect!

Desperate, Steve thinks: 'I have to find a good reason for him to come with me. I need to convince him, that he will still be happy with me, somehow!' Just then the White Wolf asks gloomy: "So, now what? Are you gonna leave me too? Or are you going to force me to come with you?“ Steve needs to buy some time, so, not sure where to go from here, he confesses: "I can't force you to come with me! You need to want it yourself.“ Bucks snorts: "Yeah right... doesn't that sound familiar...“, letting his head hang in a frown, crossing his arms.

🌟

Suddenly Steve gets an idea. It's crazy, and he has no clue how or why it could help his friend, but a thought is forming in his head, and so, changing his stand, his expression, even his voice, he turns back to him, to huff: "Fuck. And I thought I had you!“ His friend gives him a startled look, but Cap only presses against his ear, as if trying to speak to someone, calling: "Subject still resisting! Up the dosage!“ Bucky takes his gun back out, pointing it at him while growling: "Oh I knew it! Shit, I fucking knew it!“ Cap smirks: "Ha, you still want to intimidate me? Shoot me! Someone else will take my place as your precious Stevie! You cannot escape us!“ His friend's terrified expression almost makes him reconsider his approach, but then the White Wolf suddenly aims the gun at himself, and Steve screams: "No Bucky wait! I didn't mean it! We need you to stay alive!“ But then Bucks just shoots himself. And that's when Steve finally gets the last proof, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this must be a dreamworld. Because it starts to collapse.

His friend's body is falling back as if in slow motion, eyes turning white, while the concrete wall becomes transparent, the gravel beneath his feet liquefying, the lighting changing to a soft dark blue, and another screeching sound erupting from above, even though no train is passing overhead. "Bucky! Bucky, please, I... I know some part of you can still hear me! I know you're still alive, because... because I wouldn't start changing the setting.“, Cap tries to calm himself, "But you would, of course you would, because you want to save yourself. Well I'll help you! I will save you! Look, how about this...“, Steve tries desperately to focus, while the area around him becomes an endless gray void, scaring him, "Hey, yes, you are in a tank! Hydra caught you. On our last mission! When we went in that shed! They took you from me, when we were passed out!“

The chaos seems to slow down, and the old military base re-appears, a little crude and without a sky, but he can recognize some structures. The subconscious starts to show Bucky being tortured, and Steve is shocked, so he quickly shouts: "But when they captured you, they just put you into the tank! Because... because they need you to comply, they froze you! And because...“, he gets an idea, "Bucky, you broke your arm in that explosion! The left one! That's why they put you in the tank at all, they tried to override your mind, while they wanted to heal your arm! It's still badly hurt, and when we get you out, you'll need some rehab, but it will be okay! I'll save you!“

Cap hopes this way Bucks will focus on growth and healing of his body. He keeps making it up as he goes along, the world around him changing like an animated playdoh video: "They wanted to figure out... no, they wanted to wait, till that was done, so they could use you, but we found you first! That's why you still need some rehab! You have to stay at Shield a few days, run tests... and they help with your arm, but you need to take care of it. You'll need at least like... like a few weeks, until it's completely healed!“

Steve hopes, this way he can buy himself some time, to figure out how to gain back his friend's trust, get him to believe him, follow him. He also remarks, that the injuries Bucks has inflicted on him, have disappeared, and his shirt is untorn again. It all still scares him a bit, but now that he feels himself taking control, he's able to fight it down, and focus instead on his task: "We'll get you out... first to Shield, and you'll sleep for a while, but I will be there, when you wake up! Like I promised! Like I'd always promise you, okay?“

To his relief, he can see it happen, like a movie in his mind: the Avengers and himself, raiding the base once more, saving Bucky's body, bringing it to the Quinjet to fly to Shield, where Banner and Stark hook it up to monitors, putting the arm in a sling. Cap is suddenly also in uniform, but tries to redirect the scenery: "I'll be there, because they will call me, before it happens. Because I'll be home. With our kids. Taking care of them, and protecting them, telling them, that their Babbi is safe with Shield. You are safe, Bucky!“ Steve gets even more confident, when he can see the subconscious comply, showing him how Bucks gets taken care of by the doctors, himself in third person parting from his friend, giving him a kiss on the forehead.

To find himself back in their home, in first person, standing in the hall, while reality seems to become stable, sound, sight, smell and touch getting more intense, until he is able to perceive them vividly. And then notices them fade, the way they would normally, when you're not focusing on attentiveness, but just going about your day. And this time, when the two children come running down the stairs, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!“, Steve is ready. Opening his arms, and giving them a smile, knowing that this whole world is connected to his and Bucky's mind. Wanting to show him, that he will do anything to make his friend happy, in this world and the next, Cap picks up the kids, whirling them around, willing to play the part of that loving father and husband, showing off all the love he is able to give.

🌟

Chapter Text

Three days go by this way. Shield calls him up to keep him informed on Bucky's progress, while he takes care of the little ones. And uses them to gather informations about his relationship and their domestic lives together. Like playing interview with his kids, asking about their hobbies, his and Bucky's routines, things they did together in this world. Kheial and Roya are all too eager to fill him in on every little detail, happy to recollect his and his friend's past by bringing him some photo albums. And re-telling the story of how they came to live with them, how they made the kids feel safe and loved. And leading by example, by treating each other with so much kindness, that they couldn't but accept the two men's relationship as something normal and healthy. Even though he had nothing to do with it, it makes Steve proud somehow.

He also finds that he feels quiet comfortable, dealing with them as a father. He fought the urge to be bitter about this fake world once more early on, telling himself to just go with it, to save his buddy. And so he can see the joy, the warmth, the happiness, from having his loved ones, old and new, around him, safe and protected. Francis always stays close to him, nudging him whenever he feels himself falling too deep in thought. He can enjoy seeing Peggy and Howard again, when they come over to visit, as they've become something like their kids' adoptive grandparents, spoiling them to no end, with Tony and Sharon as guardians. It's fantastic. And this time, in a good way. Then, once Steve feels like he gathered enough courage and information to play his part for Bucks, he gets a call from Coulson, telling him he's about to wake up.

🌟

So with a bit of stage fright, Steve gears up and goes to Shield's sickbay, to sit next to Bucky's bed, holding his hand, waiting for him to open his eyes. And he repeats to himself once more: 'I'll do everything I can, to show you, I'll be there for you! You will still have a home and family with me. And I'll give you all the love I can, I promise!' Then he notices how his friend's breathing gets harder, the monitors beeping in closer frequency, his hand twitching in his hold. And then, blinking a few times, the White Wolf opens his eyes again. Even though he knew him to be alright, it still moves Steve, and he can't help himself, raising his free hand to brush over Bucky's cheek, softly calling: "Hey Bucks! Hey, you okay... darling?“ It's still a little embarrassing, but Steve is determined to use as many cute pet names as he can think of. After all, this should be the easiest part yet. Bucks meanwhile still blinks a bit disoriented, first flinching at the touch, but then leans against his hand, and also presses the fingers in his own, huffing groggy: "Mhm? What... Where am I?“

Cap gets his hopes up, and tries to re-assure his friend that he got his husband back, so like he planned he turns the premise on its head, asking: "You're back at Shield with me. How are you feeling?“, and adding concerned, "Do you remember who I am?“ Bucky furrows his brows a bit: "Of course I remember you, punk!“, then smiles, saying: "You are the love of my life, Steve Rogers, who I grew up with. Why do you ask?“ Steve beams back, taking his hand to kiss it gently the way he meant to, rewarded by a grin of his friend. It feels nice to see him back so trusting and happy, but sticking to his plan, Cap then gives him a serious look, explaining: "I need to ask you a few more questions, just to make sure, they didn't get to you, alright? Think you can handle it?“ Bucks stretches in his hospital bed, but nods: "Sure. Shoot.“

Cap starts with some things to fill in the blanks he couldn't get out of his friends or the children, asking some mundane stuff, hoping it doesn't sound too weird. But to his relief, Bucks just answers, sometimes chuckling, sometimes getting serious, even agreeing with the questions, as he'd been manipulated about some apparently domestic little things too. Just so that Hydra had a point of entry they could exploit, if they ever needed to regain control over him, making Steve more aware of his former struggles. Howy and their other friends already revealed some more disturbing details about the Winter Soldier's programming before Bucks woke up, more than Cap ever heard from him. And it still hurts him to think about the gruesome details, making him feel even more guilty for not searching for his friend with all force right after the accident.

🌟

But he also throws in some things he already knows, to make his questions be more expectant, so he asks him about the date they married, and then the proposal. It makes his heart ache again, when he hears his pal swooning over how his dreamt up self proposed to him in the most romantic manner. How it moved Bucky that he would choose him. He even does Steve the favor of telling him how he first confessed his love for him. Again, a dream come true for his childhood friend, who thought: "That you could never see more in me than just a friend. I thought I'd have to watch you come back from the war as this superman, that all the ladies adore... and I was so surprised to see you were still single in this new world.“, Bucky's eyes start to water, "And then you punk went on to confess how you were saving yourself for me, when I asked you about it.“

Steve has to control his emotions, and just gives his friend a re-assuring smile, as he explains: "And then you turned away, because you thought I'd be appalled and not want to talk to you again for being queer! When in fact I had longed for you to say those words for almost a century! You made me the happiest man alive that day. And then again, when we were standing at the altar and I heard you say: 'I do'! I love you so much!“ Suddenly Bucky is in tears, and Steve hurries to take him into his arms, hugging him tight to assure him: "And I love you, Bucky! Oh baby, don't cry, I'm still here! And I'll always be there for you!“

He really means it, and when his friend hugs back, both holding each other, the fuzzy warmth is spreading through his body once more, and he welcomes it. He can even get himself to give Bucks a peck on the cheek, and it feels rewarding, when his friend seems to relax, sniffling away the tears and murmurs: "Yeah. Like we promised. Till...“ "The end of the line!“, Steve joins in, and it warms his heart when he pulls back to see his friend beam at him touched, and brush some hair behind his ear. They both gaze into each other's eyes for a while, and Steve can feel himself blushing for it, but seeing Bucky's happy smile is so worth it for him, he just keeps rubbing over his back and shoulders re-assuringly. Apologizing: "Oh, sorry love, I'll be more careful!“, as Bucks hisses when he comes against his left arm. Steve is glad he did internalize needing to heal it.

But instead of answering, his buddy just keeps beaming at him, skipping from one eye to the other. Leaning in closer. And closer. Steve can feel his heart beat faster, blushing even more, as he realizes what Bucky wants to do. But although it is a bit cringy, he also feels himself get a bit curious, and so also leaning in, he tries to relax as much as possible, when his friend gives him a soft kiss on the lips. It's so gentle and warm, it feels kind of nice to Steve. And willing to do his part, he holds Bucky's cheek, softly stroking over it, while he kisses back shy. When his friend opens his mouth, to suckle on his lips, it sends shivers down Cap's spine, and he shakes a little, but he pulls himself together, focussing on the rather pleasant touch, and tries to mirror Buck's movement, giving back the intimate touching, and gathering a pleased sigh from his friend. Somehow this kiss feels rewarding to Cap, pleasant and thrilling at the same time. But he's still trying to control and distance himself from it, focusing on his mission's goal: giving Bucky a feeling of welcome and security.

🌟

Steve does his best to play the part of a good and caring husband. And finds that it isn't that much of a step up from their time as roommates. He already figured out their daily routine, their interactions with their friends, their work flow. And notices how he fits right in with them, even enjoying it, although it is fake. Or perhaps, because he knows it is. Like when they actually do go to Stark's fondue and poker night, and end up stripping for Peggy and Sharon, making Tony smirk. And then blush, when Steve really goes all in to even drop his briefs, bright red, but somehow feeling like he has a jester's license to do as he pleases. And though it send more jolts through his body, he can actually laugh at Bucks pinching his cheeks and everyone making racy comments. He even catches himself pondering, if things really could ever be this way, this calm and happy, with his friends in the real world.

Cap feels how he is falling in love with this world, with his home, his children. And he wonders, if maybe, just maybe, he is falling in love with his partner too. As all the kisses and cuddles feel more and more natural each day, even welcome and comforting instead of awkward and scary. But then again, he didn't have to go the last step yet. Somehow, either one of them was too tired (he wasn't faking it the two times Bucks had approached him), or the children would interrupt, just as the smooching got a bit more intense. Steve was also afraid, that his partner might want to do it with him in the shower. And some of their encounters had been rather close.

They did end up massaging each other with soap a few times. It had actually felt very good, and intrigued, Steve might have let it go further. But even then, before he or Bucky could move in to rub the other down, there would be some noise, a set alarm reminding them to move, or knocking of their kids because they needed them, or there was someone at the front door. And apart from that, his spouse seems to be more of a harmless cuddler in bed, never moving lower than his stomach, when they kiss and hug each other good night. Which Steve also enjoys by now. The first night had been excruciating, as he had to act calm, while he was so tense at not knowing what would come next. But since then, he can't help but actually feel safe and protected in Bucky's arms, as he drifts off to sleep.

🌟

Chapter Text

Then one day, they get their chance. Roya and Kheial are at a sleepover at Clint's, and there is no reason to get up early the next day. So, nervous how and when else his friend might make a move on him, Steve decides to be the active one and make it happen. Bucks is busy installing a new faucet in the kitchen, one Steve had picked out to make cleaning large bowls and pots easier. Since he was also the one to take the dogs for a walk, he had told his husband: "Okay, I'll just take care of it when I get back, and then get changed.“ The first time he had announced something like that, Steve didn't understand. But he caught on pretty fast, that Bucks would just warn him this way, in case he wanted to start a wash, so he might wait to take Bucky's things too. But while he is occupied, Steve takes care to prepare himself for whatever they might do.

He had felt so humiliated, trying to research how gay sex worked, and it had frustrated him, that he couldn't really ask anyone for help. He didn't want to use the internet, as he feared what he might find, but searching up on books in the library also didn't help much. Until he discovered some manga by accident, written for teens, where two guys got together and wanted to make love for the first time. He didn't want to question, how or why that part of the library even existed in Bucky's mind, or if his own subconscious picked up something like that.

Regardless, he was thankful when the comic book had fallen of a return table, opening right in the middle, depicting in a rather graphic way that two young men were about to become one. And so, shy, ashamed, but also a little intrigued, he had stolen the book. Actually nicked it without scanning it, passing the security doors right when he knew that an elderly lady was leaving with her unscanned pile of books, setting off the alarm. And started reading it in secret, locked inside the bathroom, where he kept it hidden in the hamper. It had shocked him a little, but it actually helped him, since the protagonists had to discuss some of his problems as well, showing him solutions.

Though sadly not for all of them, and he still turns red whenever he remembers how he had to play ignorant towards Bucky, when he needed to unclog the toilette on the second floor, wondering which of their children might have flushed a carrot down the drain. So although he didn't get to really practice beforehand, he at least knows how to make an enema with some warm water, if he wants to be sure to feel empty and clean. And that there literally is no such thing as 'too much lube', and that foreplay is vital, if you want things to go smooth. At least when you're untrained.

Thus, once he takes care of the first part, and feels more comfortable, he goes on to prepare the bedroom for some action. He is glad that Bucks, or his other self, must be a bit shy about being watched, or looking at photos of their kids while making love, because their portraits overlooking the bed are framed by some drapes, that can be shut to blend them out. Steve closes them, as he does the one's in front of the windows, also hiding the other pictures stacked on the windowsill. In their old place, some scented candles on the dresser give the room a soft glow, and the faint smell of roses.

Steve blushes a bit, again wondering if he isn't overdoing it, but since they own such things, he might as well use them. Scanning the room one more time, and seeing everything in place, fresh sheets on the bed, some towels hidden behind the pillows just in case, lube and massage oil ready on the nightstand, Cap takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly, to calm his nerves, telling himself: "It's alright, you can do this! You can do this. It's gonna be nice.“

🌟

He still jolts a little, when the door opens, and his husband enters, only wrapped in a towel, looking to change into some new clothes. Surprised, he stares back and forth between Steve, covered loosely by a dressing gown, and the scenery, and furrowing his brows he asks: "Uh, honey? What's going on? Did I forget an anniversary or something?“ Steve just straightens himself up, bridging the gap between them, and pulling his friend closer to him, he softly hushes: "No. But I would like to show you my gratitude, for always taking such good care of me! I want to give you a massage!“ And he gently rubs over his shoulders and arms.

Bucks flinches a bit, as his left is still a little tender, but he doesn't pull back. Instead, he leans into the touch, and hugging his friend, starts to kiss him in an adoring manner, not too passionate, but still taking his time, tickling him with his beard. "Still feels a bit weird!“, he hums, when he lets go, brushing thru Steve's facial hair. Because Cap, very cleverly, had started a challenge with his husband, about who would keep his beard the longest, hoping to help his friend adapt better, when they would go back to reality. Steve just smiles back, hushing: "A little. But I like it. And you look really hunky this way!“ He kisses his friend back, trying to calm down some more. After all, this tender touching now feels okay, even comforting, because Bucky is so kind.

'He's always gentle. He'll be considerate now, too!', Steve assures himself yet again, and when pulling back, smiles at his partner, demanding: "So, care to lie down?“ Bucks smirks, and pointing at the towel on his hips, asks: "Do I need to be naked?“ Steve almost went to blurt out a No, but catches himself, and giving his husband the most cheeky grin he's capable of, replies: "Oh yes! That's a requirement! After all, I'd like to relax even the really deep tensions. And that requires touching your whole body.“ He can even get himself to wink at Bucks, hoping it didn't sound too over the top. But the White Wolf just drops the towel, and moving to the bed hums: "Well, I don't want to argue with that!“, and looking over the nightstand adds: "I kinda have an idea, where this is going.“ Steve gulps, but follows him, feeling his heart beat faster, and cursing internally: 'We haven't even started yet! Relax!'

He ushers for Bucks to lie on his front, taking the oil to start on his shoulders, and making conversation: "Remember how you used to massage me, whenever I got sick from the bad weather?“ Bucks gets into a comfortable position, humming: "Mhmm. Yeah, your darn arthritis. Sometimes it wasn't that easy to make sure my hands were warm enough to heat up the oil, so it wouldn't chill you.“ Steve is thankful he said that, as he was about to just pour it on his back, and so quickly fills his right hand instead, putting the bottle back, and musing: "Yeah, that flat was a real mess. Always cold and wet.“, as he slowly starts rubbing over the skin with slick fingers.

When Bucky just hums content, he pries: "But it did give us a reason to cuddle. Even back then.“ Now his friend turns his head a little, asking: "You enjoyed that too, huh?“ Steve has to admit: "Oh yes. It did feel nice. A little awkward sometimes. But you were always so soft and warm. And I felt protected.“ He has to swallow a bit, thinking how he never took the time to think about this before. It was just so... wrong. It was okay for two men to share a bed to keep warm. But they were not supposed to be friendly with each other while doing it. That was just unheard of. Or rather, the stories he did hear about such men back then, were full of accusations and speculations about their supposed tainted souls.

He moves to cover his friend's back, rubbing and kneading his skin, reaping in more pleased grunts and huffs from him. But then Bucky confesses: "I sometimes wished, you'd take things further back then.“ Steve, getting more oil, almost ends up pouring it on himself, but just spills some on his sleeve instead. He tries to hide it, as he lies: "Oh, really? Me too! Yes, I... I sometimes wanted us to be naked, when we cuddled.“, it sounds stupid to him, so he quickly adds, "But I could never say that, that would just have sounded weird. Ya know, cuddle to get warm, but take off the pajamas?“ To his relief, Bucks only chuckles: "Well, we can both be naked now!“, and since it doesn't matter anyways, Steve takes off the dressing gown. Then his friend tells him a little quieter: "But you could have said it anyways! I would have gotten you warm, Stevie!“

Cap starts at the shoulders again, to gather his courage, and tries to joke: "Well, you too. I mean, we both wanted it.“ "But I didn't know that. And I would never, ever have told you, Stevie!“, Bucks emphasizes. Cap moves lower, asking intrigued: "But why not? I mean, sure, neither did I, uhm...“ Just then, Bucky turns to face him, and looking into his eyes he insists: "Yes, but I didn't want you to think, it was because of your body! You were so frail, Stevie, everyone mocked you for it, but I wasn't after you, because you weren't as 'manly' as other guys!“, he looks serious, "I would never have made the first move, while you were like that! I wanted you to feel proud, and comfortable, and safe with me! I couldn't have lived with myself, if you'd have thought, I was just biding my time to go down on you, and that that's all I see in you!“

🌟

Steve stares back in surprise, turning red when he sees Bucky's determined face. Part of him had wondered, what it was that attracted his friend to him, and he really thought it might have to do with his former figure. Then the White Wolf turns to lie back down, and Steve hurries to continue his massage, even though his friend returns to close: "You know, sometimes I think it was for the best, that we only got together after the serum. That way noone could say, that I did it out of pity.“, he shrugs, "But yeah, if it had come from you first, I would have pleasured you any way possible, even back then!" Steve has to blush more and his friend adds: "And I would have saved myself for you too! Maybe I would still have gone out with girls, just so noone suspects something. But I would never have slept with any.“

Cap gulps uneasy, thinking how he had hoped that maybe Bucks could live with an open relationship, where they shared as much physical contact as Steve could take, and do the real hardcore sex with some more than willing women, just like old times. Even if it irked him. He moves to cover Bucky's rump, and concludes: "So you never missed it?“ The White Wolf hesitates, but then explains: "I don't miss it, no. It's not like it was disgusting. Sometimes it even felt quiet nice. You know, it's not such a huge difference physically to how I make love to you!“ Steve has to force himself to keep the pace, as he massages Bucky's bottom. At first, because he just wants to brush over it quickly. Then, because sliding over his cheeks with his hands actually feels rather nice. But now he's too swift, and so while rubbing through his crack, his thumb gets stuck.

"Steve! Alright, so there is a physical difference sometimes!“, Bucks laughs, as his friend quickly pull it back out, stuttering: "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that!“ "Yeah right!“, Bucks gives back with a grin, "What was that about you wanting to relax the 'deep' tension?“ Steve returns a sheepish smile, a little unsure how to move on, when his husband proposes: "Hm, want me to return the favor, punk?“, raising a brow. Steve turns dark red, thinking: 'Oh. Oh, okay, this is it, okay, relax! You can do this!', and replies with a forced laugh: "Ooh, sure! Bring it on!“ "Well then, let's switch places!“, his friend grins, getting up, and gesturing for him to lie down instead.

Cap complies, trying not to stare too hard at Bucky's junk, showing clear signs of arousal. He's able to relax a little, once his buddy starts rubbing his back, comforting the tension, just like old times. Steve can feel himself calm down more and more. And the soft, slick tickle over his bare back and bottom even send some pleasant shivers down his spine, making him twitch. Cap keeps trying to cajole himself: 'See, this feels nice! It's gonna be pleasant. And after all, I do love him! So we'll just make love, and that's fine. Right?'

But suddenly Bucky turns very frisky, rubbing against him with his body, and lies on top of him, hushing in his ear: "Oh Stevie, do you want to feel me inside you?“ Steve nods embarrassed, a bit horny, but still scared, assuring himself: 'It's gonna be fine, he loves me! He's gonna make love to me, it'll be okay!', believing his friend will be gentle, caring, or that if it hurts, he can take it. But his spouse, getting louder and meaner, demands: "You want that? You want me to fuck you? Fuck you, really hard and deep and long, yes? That what you want?“ "Uh, yes, oh-off course!“, Steve stutters overwhelmed.

Bucks asks him to go on all fours, keeps pressing with dirty talk, painting more and more violent pictures in his mind: "Oh, I'm going to fuck you so hard! You're going to scream. For hours! I know how to drag it out, you wont be able to walk anymore! I'll leave you panting on the bed, and I'll just come back, whenever I want to fuck you again!“ Yet Cap doesn't back down, just nods, shaking and begging: "Oh yes, oh please, do me! Take me, you hunk!“ His thoughts are racing: 'Please, I just want to make you happy! I can do this. It's gonna be alright, he's just talking dirty, he doesn't mean it! It's gonna be nice. Once he's in, it's gonna feel good. It has to!' Then with lube in his hand, tickling over Steve's scrotum, pressing gel against his anus, Bucks asks again: "You want me?“, and Steve yells: "Yes! Yes, fuck me, Bucky! Fuck me, please!“, while grabbing the sheets tightly, closing his eyes, bracing himself in overwhelming panic.

🌟

Chapter Text

"Okay, you can stop now!“, his friend suddenly tells him, withdrawing his hand. "Huh?“, Steve replies, not budging, still shaking in place, tense. But he feels Bucky getting of the bed, hears him take some tissues, wiping his hands, and open the wardrobe. And then feels him throw the dressing gown on him, repeating: "It's okay. You can cover up.“ Steve half turns, taking the garment to put on, a little relieved, but stares at his friend, who just puts on a bathrobe himself. Then he looks at him again with sad eyes. Cap is confused: "But... but honey...“ "Stop. Just stop it.“, Bucks blocks with a raised hand. Steve is still perplexed, and when it looks like his friend wants to turn and leave he pleads: "Wait! Please... what did I do wrong?“ He can see his partner flinch, but then he looks at him again with the sad face, musing: "You did nothing wrong, Stevie.“, to sit down on the foot of the bed, away from him, looking at his feet.

Then the White Wolf starts to reveal: "I know you're not my husband.“ Steve gets nervous, and half throwing off the coat again, gives him a big smile: "But of course I am! Honey, I love you!“ "Please!“, Bucks now pleads, close to tears, shocking his friend. And then continues: "I know you're not. I know you aren't Hydra either.“, he looks away again, "I thought you were at first. And then I didn't want to believe it. But by now I know who you really are. I just didn't think you would actually take it this far!“, he turns away completely, whispering ashamed, "You must really care for me, if you're willing to endure this.“ Then he starts to cry. Just sits there, tears slowly dripping down his cheeks, sniffling a bit, not facing Cap. Who feels his heart break again, and aching assures: "Of course I care about you! Bucky, I love you! I'm really Steve!“

"I didn't say, you weren't.“, the other replies quiet, "I said, you are not my husband. You are not the man I married. You are not the boy, who fell in love with me, when we were only ten years old.“, he looks at him again, "You're not the guy who was jealous, every time I had a gal over, because he wanted to be with me instead. You're not the man who saved himself, because he only wanted to sleep with me, and noone else!“ Steve gulps uneasy. His friend goes on: "You're not my husband. You are just Steve Rogers, my childhood friend, that lil punk who always got in trouble, because he wanted to prove himself to others. The guy who was willing to risk his life to become a supersoldier. The man who would have gone and married Peggy, if he didn't crash into the ice on that suicide mission.“, he wipes over his eyes, more bitter, "You're Captain America. That macho symbol of justice and patriotism, and you're here, because it's the right thing to do. You're just trying to save another lost soldier.“, he averts his eyes again, "But I'm surprised you would go all in like this, just to show me I'm worth it to you. I guess you do love me, in a way.“

Cap gets nervous. He can see the bitterness and the desperation in his friend, and worries, that he wont be able to get him out, now that he saw through the charade. Steve's hopes of Bucks wanting to leave out of free will sink. He also fears he wont be able to fool him a third time. "What gave it away?“, he wants to know, "I thought for sure you believed in me! I really tried my best to be like him! Where did I go wrong?“ Bucks sighs and tells him: "You made one mistake early on, that kept me on my toes. Right when I woke up. I first hoped it was just a silly mistake, but after that, whenever you acted unexpected, I put it on watch, and so, I finally understood what must have happened.“

"But what was it?“, Steve demands, and his friend tells him: "When I woke up, and you were acting all caring and relieved, you called me darling! We never call each other darling. That's reserved for the kids. And then you started asking me all these question, to make sure I still knew the answers! Yeah.“, he gives him a tortured smile, "The way you acted, when I told you our safeword was 'safeword', so you couldn't forget it. You remarked how thoughtful that was, taking care of you to protect you,“, Bucks looks right into his eyes, "when it was You, who came up with the entire concept for Me! You wanted to give me all the control. Because even though you were the virgin, I was the one they abused, and you wanted to make sure, you couldn't get carried away and harm me in the process.“ Steve just stares at him dumbfounded. His friend turns away once more, rubbing over his eyes, trying to keep it together.

🌟

Then Cap tries to persuade him: “Well, that would be something I would do! I care for you!” “But not like that!”, Bucks interrupts. “You don't know that!”, Steve retorts, making his friend stare, “I mean, sure I didn't think like that, not before, but, like, if you need that...” Bucky closes his eyes ashamed, making Cap plead: “I can try! I'm... Please Bucky... I love you! I do! Please, I... I just want to make you happy, really! Please let me try!“ But Bucks just keeps crying: "I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back, Stevie! I was happy here!“ "But it's fake!“, Steve argues. "I don't care!“, Bucks gives back hurt, "It felt real enough, and I was happy! Look, I know it could never be true, but... just let me dream. Please Steve... Let me be happy, just this once.“

Steve hugs him tight, crying at his shoulder, startling his friend, as he begs: "I can't! Bucky please, I don't want to lose you again! Not again!“, he rubs over his back, wailing in his ear, "At least give me a chance, Bucky! Please, if you really hate it so much, you can still go back, I know Shuri won't erase anything! If you want to go back, this world is still going to wait for you. But at least let me try and make you happy!“ He looks deep into his eyes, holding his shoulders in a tight grip, promising: "I'll do everything I can to give you, what you need! I mean it! Please, you just have to be a bit patient, I've never done this before, and I'm nervous, and scared, but... I mean you saw it, I'm willing! I'm willing to try, really, you just have to give me a little time, you know, take it slow, but I'll do this!“

Bucks stares at him in disbelief, but Steve assures him: "I know, I was so terrified that one night, and I'm still not that comfortable, but I feel okay touching you, and holding you, and kissing you, it even feels nice, just let me try, please! If that's what it takes, if you need it, I'm all for it! I'm all in, like you said, I mean it!“ "I don't want to rape you, Steve!“, Bucks gives back, half shocked and half disappointed, but Steve shakes him, getting desperate: "But I consent! Just, just give me time, I really want to give it a go, I mean, I have nothing to lose here, honestly, it's just something new, but I love you, and I trust you, just take it slow, so I can adapt, okay? Please Bucky!“ Bucks shakes his head, closing his eyes. Steve also closes his, beaten, defeated, and hugs his friend closer, crying.

"I don't want to lose you, Bucky! Please, I'll do anything it takes, just come with me, please!“, he tries once more. But his buddy replies: "I don't want some pity sex from you! And besides, what about your happiness? How are you supposed to meet a nice girl, if you have to act like you're with me? No Steve. I don't want to abuse you, just because you can't let go.“ Cap desperately sighs: "Why don't you want to believe me? No matter what I do, no matter what I say, you just don't want to listen!“ His friend gives him an appalled look, but he insists: "It's like you already decided you can't be happy with me, unless it's inside your mind. What did I do, to give you that feeling? When did I hurt you so much, that you wont even let me try and make it up to you?“

Bucks is getting irritated, and gasps: “Stop acting like I'm the one rejecting you!” “But you are!”, Steve insists: “Why can't you believe I want this? At least give me a chance. Anything! Give me a task, or something, to prove that I mean it, that it's worth it, anything!“ Starting to get angry, Bucky growls: "Okay, fine! I'll give you something. You get one question, and if you get the answer right, I'll come along. But you only get one try!“ Cap looks at him, and stubborn agrees: "Alright, shoot!“ Bucks looks away, like he has second thoughts, but then smirks and crossing his arms huffs: "Okay, then answer this: what's my favorite position?“

Steve stares at him, confused first, but then in realization, and starts to furrow his brows, nervously wringing his fingers. Bucky adds: "Go on, take a guess. But I'm not going to let you find out first hand!“, then quieter, "So you don't need to be scared of that.“ "I'm not.“, Cap replies, really meaning it, but his friend doesn't even look up to meet his eyes. Steve is searching his mind, while his friend gets up, musing: "Look Steve, you might as well give up now! Either fire your shot, or leave. Hey, if you can make it so that my Steve returns, you can force yourself to watch and find out. But I don't think that's possible. And don't even try to fool me again...“

🌟

Bucks is getting ready to leave, but Steve wants to stop him: "Wait! I... I don't know, what it's called...“ "Of course you don't, but I'm not giving you hints!“, the White Wolf scoffs, turning away, but Steve gets up, holding his shoulder to beg: "But wait, can't I show you? Please!“ Bucks rolls his eyes, trying to tell him off: "Come on Steve, don't drag it out! I'm not doing you!“ "I know, but please, I think I know it, just let me show you!“, Steve insists. When the White Wolf sees his friend's determined face, he shrugs and agrees: "Alright. But remember, you have one try! If you get it wrong, you're going to leave! Is that clear?“ Steve only hesitates a second, before he nods: "Yes. Now, please!“, and points back to the bed. So Bucky goes to sit back down. He raises his brows curious, when Steve joins him, kneeling on the mattress and demanding: "Okay, lie on your back.“ "Steve, I'm not doing it with you! And even if I did...“, Bucks wants to argue, but Cap interrupts: "Please, will you just let me show you?“

So his friend goes to lie down in a comfortable position, barely covered by the bathrobe. Steve gulps a bit, but still moves to stretch his leg across his body, to position himself on his lap. He flinches when his thigh touches the bulge under the bathrobe, and he feels very exposed, positioning his naked butt on his friend's crotch, but even though Bucky chuckles, he stays focused, asking: "Okay, can you give me your hands?“ Amused, Bucks extends his hands, and Steve puts them on his hips. Then he starts to explain: "So, you lie like this, and the other person is sitting on you, and you hold them like this. And...“, embarrassed, he starts to move up and down, slowly, "They move their hips, and you hold onto them. Or you move to the back, and pinch their butt.“ He repositions Bucky's left, making him raise a brow, as his friend, turning a darker shade of red, goes on: "And you slap them a bit, now and then.“ Then he winces, when Bucks does it, asking: "Like this?“

Steve nods humiliated, feeling his body turn hot as he keeps moving up and down, even though he feels his friend twitching, but he just continues explaining: "And your right sometimes moves over the front of their body, like this.“, he takes his hand, rubbing over his chest, trying to ignore the feeling it gives him. Bucks now looks less smug, starting to pet him, while his left has a firm grip on his rear. Steve starts grinding down on his crotch, making him raise his brows astonished, but explains: "And they do this. And you... Uhm, sometimes you pet their lower region too. Ah-hand...“, he stutters, when Bucky lets his hand wander down, even though he stops, a little above Steve's penis, which is getting pumped almost as much as his friend's.

Cap is very embarrassed and becoming more tense, but stubborn, he keeps describing the sex position: "And, you buck your hips now and again, and then, you put your left up, and, uhm...“, he takes his friend's hand to rubs his own cheek, letting go, when Bucky also reaches up to pet his head, wiping some hair out of his eyes, "Yes, you do that! And, ah, and you like it, if they pet you too!“, he caresses over his chest, opening the bathrobe, to stroke through his chest hair, making Bucky's eyes widen more, but also leaving him gasping, as he picks up speed, and when Bucks moves to knead his neck with his left, he bends down a bit, explaining: "And then you pull them closer, so you can kiss, and moan in their ear!“

And when he rubs over his friend's lap once more, pushing the robe aside and freeing his erection, that presses against his thigh, while his friend's right moved back to grab his buttocks, Bucks suddenly groans: "Oh baby!“, half closing his eyes in pleasure. And Steve beams at him, exclaiming: "Yes, just like that!“, before being silenced by a kiss. But instead of shying away, he leans into it, even extending his hands to wrap around his shoulders, holding his friend closer, kissing back, as he feels himself tensing up more, getting hard, breathing heavy, unsure but determined.

But Bucky pushes him away abruptly, staring at him with wide eyes, and asks shaken: "How? How can you possibly know this?“ Steve is surprised first, and so when his friend puts both hands up to cup his face, pleading: "Please, tell me! What's going on?! Stevie? Are you my Stevie? Please, what's happening, how... why?“, he just looks down almost as moved as his buddy, but asks back: "So, I got it right? Are you going to come with me?“ However, Bucks drops his hands, letting them fall back on the bed, and holding back tears, turns away, growling: "Why? How did you do this?“, and back at Steve with a glimmer of hope: "How can you know, if you're not him?“ Steve, still tense at the prospect of either getting his friend back or having failed, bickers with himself, before finally revealing: "I used to watch you.“

🌟

Bucks gives his friend a confused look, and half sitting up, making Steve pull back a little, he asks: "You what?“ “It started as an accident. You left the door ajar, and I needed to go to the bathroom one night. So I saw you do it. I didn't understand what it was first, I thought it's always the women on their back and the men on top. But I watched on a bit, and then I understood.", Cap confesses, feeling his cheeks burn up, “I was a bit angry after that, but it was also... intriguing. And after that, when I heard you had a girl over, I... I sometimes went out, to... check up on you. I was still jealous, but it was so interesting. And so, I watched. A few times. And I know, you did other things with them. But this one, you always did, and usually at the end. At least you both parted ways after that.”

Bucky stares at him amazed, so Steve wants to rectify: “I did try and ignore it, but I always knew when you had a girl over. And at some point I just had to go and check. I'm sorry. I didn't want to peep like that, and I always felt guilty at confession.” His friend still shakes his head a little and demands: “How come you still know every detail? Did you watch every time?" Steve tries to remember properly: “No, just a couple of times. After that... I just played it back in my mind. Whenever I heard you. I was lying in my bed, and... just imagined it. While I, I was, touching, uhm, myself. I'm so sorry! I felt dirty afterwards too, but I mean come on! It's not like I ever got to have anything remotely similar for myself, ever! I was so jealous. And sometimes I cried afterwards."

Bucks furrows his brows, staring at his buddy with a mix of confusion and compassion. And then asks: “And the girls? Which ones did you watch me with?” Steve blushes more embarrassed, stating: “You know, I never even thought about that! I have no idea who it was. I didn't really pay attention to them. I can't even say, what kind of hair color they had. Or if they ever said anything to you. I just know, how your face looked. How you moaned. How your hands touched them. And how your... your cock would slide into them, disappearing and re-appearing under their buttocks. And that aroused me." He gulps uneasy and has to look away. Bucks is staring at him with big eyes, confirming: “So, actually, you were really just watching... me?"

Grabbing his own head, Steve sighs as the realization suddenly hits him like a club: "Oh my God. I'm gay.“ He closes his eyes humiliated, smiles and beams back at his friend. "I'm gay! That... Bucky, I'm gay!“, he exclaims, "That's why I was jealous! I didn't want them to do this with you, but I wanted to see you! I wanted to see you looking like that.“, getting even more excited, "And I wanted to be the reason! I... oh my God, Bucky, I'm gay for you! I wanted to be the one to make you moan like that!“ "Enough Stevie! You had me at 'I'm gay'!“, Bucky chuckles overwhelmed, wiping his eyes. “So, uhm, now that we both know that... will you please come with me? Please?", Steve pleads, giving Bucks an open look. His friend wipes his eyes once more, unsure if he's holding back a laugh or tears, but smirking decides: “Yes. Yeah, you passed, I can't argue with that! And, wow. Well, I guess that could make for an interesting reality!"

So Cap gets back of his friend, closing his dressing gown, but this time fights back the shame as he lets his eyes wander over Bucky's body, while extending a hand to help him get of the bed too. And he doesn't flinch back, when Bucks comes to stand right in front of him, their bellies touching, their receding erections still tactile. Instead, Cap puts his hands on his best friend's hips, pulling him closer once more for a long relieved hug. While petting over his back, Bucks asks: “Wanna know something?" Steve just replies: “What?"

“While you were in your bed, jerking off to my image...", he tells Cap, making him blush more, to reveal, “I was having sex, while thinking of you! It's one reason I like that position. Because it was easier to imagine doing that with you. I didn't have to feel their boobs all the time, and I couldn't just pile myself onto you, if we ever did that. And no wonder you hardly remember them talking, I didn't like that, because I wanted to dream about you, and not be reminded of them." He pulls back, looking at Cap with a fond smile, closing: “Maybe I even left the door open on purpose.”

🌟

Chapter Text

After a moment of silence Bucks asks: “Well, want to do anything crazy before leaving?” Steve furrows his brows: “What do you mean?” Bucky shrugs: “Well, I mean in case you still want to. After all, once you know it's a dreamworld, you can pretty much do anything you feel like.” Cap shakes his head: “I don't need that. I'm already acting the way I feel comfortable. And I don't want to do anything mean.” His friend looks back a bit amused and informs him: “Oh, I didn't mean act like a dick or something. No, but, take advantage of the fact it's in your mind.” And he suddenly stands before him dressed in his casual clothing. Steve staggers back a bit startled, demanding:”Whoa, wait, how... you can do that? Just like that?” “You can't?”, Bucks asks back a little surprised, “I thought you knew how to change the dream. Didn't you ever try?”

Steve remembers the scary interaction they had under the bridge, where he reformed reality to become something he could work with. But he had not attempted using that power again, and explains: “I didn't think I'd be able to, after forming the new world. Also didn't want to risk you catching on again. Not before you believe in me, anyways.” However, now that Bucks has demonstrated it, Steve tries to follow, concentrating on getting himself changed as well. At first it doesn't seem to work, and he feels silly as he just stands there, trying to think hard of an outfit he might put on, and how it would have to feel. But then his friend puts a hand on his shoulder and smirks: “You mustn't think too hard about it Stevie! If you focus too much, you wont see it.”

So Steve closes his eyes to relax, takes a deep breath and empties his mind to be free to think up something casually. And before he knows it, Bucky is giving him praise: “See, you got the hang of it!” Steve opens his eyes again, already noticing he feels warmer, and finds he has put on his favorite shirt and some comfy jeans. He smiles surprised and muses: “Wow. That would save loads of time in the morning. How come you didn't utilize this?” “I did.”, Buck gives back, “At the beginning I remember I had a lot of fun bending the dream to my will. I'd jump off of buildings with no issue, or just go through a door to travel to the other side of the city.”

He shrugs, getting quieter: “But taking out every little conflict you could have makes you feel how fake everything is. When nothing has repercussions like the real world would. When you can just punch politicians in the face with no consequences. Or spend an entire day in the shower, without anyone missing you.” Steve gets compassionate and rubs over Bucky's arm: “Ah. I get that. Crying alone in the shower for a day sounds depressing.” Buck raises his brows and turns away shy, to state: “Oh, I wasn't crying. And I didn't say I was alone...”

Steve stares at him confused, then turns red and has to chuckle: “O-kay, got it. Well, when we get out you can take a shower for as long as you like. And when I miss you, I'll know where to find you.” They both grin at each other. Eventually, Bucky asks a little nervous: “Can I say goodbye to the kids?” Steve just looks back at him and nods understanding: “Sure you can. I understand you care for them. You really made them out to be adorable, I must admit! So yeah, we can say goodbye to them.” Bucks nods back, but getting ready to open the door, he tells Steve: “You know, even though I wanted this to be real so badly... I think deep down I always knew it wasn't right.”, turning a bit bitter.

Cap raises a brow: “Uhu? What makes you say that right now? I mean, I believe you, but what's on your mind?” He looks back up at him, and it seems he's trying to fight back a sadness, as he explains: “Their names. Roya. And Kheial. Roya means dream or vision in Dari. And Kheial is phantom or hallucination, in Arabic. So there. I knew they weren't real. But they sure felt like they were...” Steve hugs him from behind, and remembering how touched he was at seeing not just Howard and Peggy alive, but also Francis, he assures Bucky: “They are as real as our memories. And it's okay that we want to hold onto them. As long as we can let go to make more.” Bucks sighs, but then turns around to grin at Steve: “Make more... are we talking about memories or babies?” Steve smirks back: “Hey, how about both? We can try.”, making Bucks raise his brows surprised, before he chuckles: “Okay punk. We'll get to that. Let's go.”

They make their way downstairs, and sure enough, Roya and Kheial are sitting at the living room table, scribbling in some coloring books, drawing over the edges and making skidmarks on the white wood. It looks so homely and inviting, Steve can feel it tugging at his heartstrings too, like a little voice whispering: “Why not stay here? This is home!” And as if trying to rub it in, Kheial looks up at them, smiling surprised and squeaks: “Look Babbi, I drawst you!”

“Oh, uh, sure, let me see.”, Bucky replies a bit flustered, moving to look at a sketch on a spare piece of paper. Steve keeps back a bit, as the little boy shows Bucks the drawing, exclaiming proud: “I wanna be like Daddy! When I grow up, I'm gonna be a good drawer, like him!” Steve has to chuckle a little at this, as does Bucky, who answers: “Oh, yes, Daddy is the best drawer in this house...” Just then Roya objects: “He's not a drawer, he's a artist! Drawers are in furnature, to keep stuff in!” Keihal pouts, and Bucky opens his mouth, ready to lecture his kids to be nice, when Steve clears his throat.

So Bucks tries to redirect his thoughts, murmuring: “Uh, right. Uhm, kids, we need to go away for a bit. It's uh...” He's unsure what to say, and the children's eyes get big with worry, Roya asking hurried: “Go away? Why? Where? Do we need to leave?” “No, no, you're staying here.”, Bucky tries to calm them, but can't keep it together, making the children fret over them deserting them. “What do you mean? Where are you going?”, Roya insists anxious, and Keihal looks like he's ready to cry, blabbing: “But I love you!”, and hugging Bucky's leg. Steve feels his own heart wrench a little at this, and he can see the agony over the farewell rising in his buddies face, as he fails to regain his composure, and kneels to hug back the little boy. He thinks: 'This is just making it harder. I have to do something.'

Cap steps in, assuring the little ones: “Look, that's not what Babbi means! Yes, we need to leave, but you wont even notice that we are gone!" All three stare at him with dread and questioning eyes, but Steve gives the kids a big confident smile and claims: “Babbi and me are going on a mission where we have to time travel! Which means we'll be away for a long time for us, but it's only going to be a few seconds for you! I'll prove it to you, just watch!", and he helps Bucky to get up. The kids seem to want to hold onto them, but his assuring smile lets them stay in place, while he takes Bucky's hand, exclaiming: “Okay, we are going to go on our mission, and you have to close your eyes! No peeking! But you only need to count to three, and we'll be back, okay?"

The kids cover their eyes obedient, and Roya starts to count: “Okay. One..." In that moment Bucks can feel his body getting pulled back, and relax as though covered in a fuzzy blanket. Then he looks at his arms, shocked to find them turning transparent. But when he turns to Steve, he can hear him speak to him in his mind, assuring him: 'Don't worry, watch!' The White Wolf still feels being dragged backwards, but when he turns to look back at the kids, he sees two shapes forming in front of them, like two people taking his and Steve's place. “Two...", Roya counts with a shaking voice. And then another Steve and Bucky have manifested in front of the children, and when Roya yells: “Three!", her and her brother uncovering their faces, their parents are standing in front of them with open arms, both shouting: “Tadaa!" with a grin.

Bucky turns to look at Steve with questioning eyes, but he hears him answer in his head: 'It's just a dream. But still, you don't have to feel bad. We're still here for our kids. They are safe with us. Forever!' Bucks nods half understanding, feeling the strange sensation of still being dragged away from the scene. He only turns back one more time, seeing his spouse and himself picking up the kids to hug them tight, kissing them on the head while they giggle relieved. Then he feels himself passing through a wall, and the audio cuts away. The surrounding scene feels so fake and dreamlike, the air and ground swirling and shaking like water. But it doesn't scare Bucks. He just feels a bit sad.

Steve takes both his hands to pull him towards himself more, and again speaking with an outside voice he assures him: “They'll be alright, Bucky! Don't feel bad for them." His friend nods compliant, but gulps: “I know. They aren't real after all. But still... I loved them so much! Like I loved you, so much...", and he looks at his feet unsure. But Steve takes him in his arms, and hugging him tight assures once more: “But I'm real! And I'll stay with you! You have me now, and I'm not letting go of you, I promise!" And when Bucks looks into his eyes again, he adds once more: “I'm not letting you fall again, ever! I love you, Bucky!" Bucks can't hold back his tears anymore, but feeling Steve just comfort him, petting over his back, hugging him close to his chest, and giving him tender, comforting kisses, he keeps nodding, holding onto him, trying to stay confident.

🌟

After he calms down a bit, he can see their surroundings changed. They are standing on a hill of grass, lined with little flowers blooming in all colors. There is no such hill in New York, but he can see their old home from here, their neighborhood, Shield's HQ, and the park where they would play with the kids and the dogs. Steve reminds him: “Okay Bucks, to get out we have to signal the others they can come and get us. I'm sure if we both signal to them simultaneously, they can wake us up at the same time. But just at the slight off chance that you wake up before me, please remember I'm going to be there! Do you trust me?"

Bucks nods, still a little tense. Steve repeats: “If you don't want to come along, if you don't trust me, you wont wake up! You'll stay here.", and putting a hand on his cheek urges: “But I am real! I will be there, on the other side! And I will be there for you, I'll stay with you, I'll provide for you, I'll be your home, your family, everything you need! I'll be there! Please come with me!" Bucks tries to pull himself together, straightening his shoulders, and replying: “Alright. I'm ready. Let's do this!", and he forces himself to smile. However, Steve still looks at him open and concerned, staring into his eyes, and when Bucks starts to get uncomfortable, he assures him: “I need you, Bucky! Please don't desert me!"

“Okay. I wont desert you Steve!", Bucky promises anew, “I'll be with you, 'til the end of the line!" “'Til the end of the line!", Steve parrots back, and pulls him close once more, giving him a warm and passionate kiss, catching the White Wolf off guard a bit. But then he finally relaxes, and when they part, Bucks is looking up at his friend with a calm face, wipes his eyes determined and nods again. Steve also nods back, and then he takes Bucky's hands into his own, stating: “Okay. We'll close our eyes and start on the upper left. Got it?" “Got it!", Bucks replies, and closes his eyes obedient.

Then he hears Steve count down: “Alright. Three, two, one. Upper left, lower right, upper right, lower left..." “Upper left, lower right, upper right, lower left...", Bucks joins in, moving his eyes accordingly. Still a bit nervous, he clenches his fingers around Steve's, while repeating the instructions like a mantra, over and over, even when Steve already stopped, and just presses back his hand.

Then there is a kind of thud, and another, like very heavy footsteps in the distance, coming closer. Bucky can feel himself breathing harder, starting to sweat nervously, as the thuds grow louder and louder, and he still grabs Steve's hands tighter. But it feels as if the ground itself is getting wobbly, and it seems to be getting darker and colder too, like a storm brewing. Bucks can feel his tension rising, and anxiously listens to the dark banging that's coming closer. And then he realizes that it's his heart, beating louder, and harder, and faster with each blow, while there is a growling rumble as the light seems to disappear completely.

Bucky is still moving his pupils, but his hands are shaking now, and messing up the words he suddenly wants to just rip open his eyes, to make sure Steve is still holding him. Instead he keeps them shut, even pressing them close tighter, when he feels a stinging pain and a panic set in, that feels oh too familiar to him. And he starts to wail: “Please don't leave me! Please, I don't want to go, I don't want to die, I don't..." But then his stammer is silenced with a kiss, soft and warm, and he feels Steve's strong arms comfort him, pulling him close, holding him safe. And he hears his voice inside his head, above all the scary noise, promising: 'I will be there! I need you! I wont let go! Come with me! Come home!'

The pain is growing in his limbs, that seem to have gone numb, his heartbeat is rushing and ringing in his ears, he feels like he is losing control over his body. Bucky knows the feeling. It terrifies him. But against his instinct, he tries not to fight this time. Trusting his friend, that he will catch him, that he will be there to save him this time, Bucky surrenders to the numbness that is now suffocating him, and he just lets go. It feels like he is dying, but he still hears a faint voice in the distance, whispering: 'I'll be on the other side!' And he just wants it to be real again. No matter where that other side may be.

🌟

Then everything is bright and loud. Bucky feels bound, can't move, can't breathe... He hears people arguing in angry voices. He rips open his eyes. Everything is blurry, his eyes hurt, he can hardly see. But he can make out a lot of shapes, humans in white robes standing around him, touching him, putting restraints on him, or sticking needles into his limbs. Hydra is back, they got him, they will kill him, torture him, make him into a weapon once more. Bucky's throwing up, as someone pulls a set of tubes from his mouth and nose. He's freezing, can hardly move, his throat hurts, and his lungs are filled with fluids, it all aches so much and scares the life out of him. But the next jolt of adrenaline makes him flinch, and at once the doctors try to press him down. He can move. So he does.

Catching everyone off guard, he throws himself to his right side, rolling off the operation table, hitting the floor hard. But he's up in a flash, and still hardly able to see, he can make out a tray with instruments, needles, scissors, knives... He grabs a scalpel, while trying to run, trying to see something like an exit, ignoring his pain, and the red liquids dripping down his uncovered body in several places. He can hardly make out the sounds around him, screaming in anger or panic, shouting names or commands, and running half blind, he trips over something, to crash against another table.

He's choking, still coughing up some fluid, and his legs don't want to work, when he feels himself being grabbed from behind, as he's trying to run again. Scared, he turns, tries to defend himself, wants to punch the attacker with his metal fist, but the arm seems limp, weak, and sensitive. Unusually sensitive. Like before. He still wants to resist, and so his right jabs at the person with his weapon. But although he feels the other man jolt, he's still being pulled close to him. And then, when Bucky tries to intimidate him with a rage filled roar, his mouth is suddenly shut tight by the other person's lips. Bucks flinches, panics even more, feels like passing out. The man is holding him, and touching him in a romantic, an intimate, a sexual way, and Bucky's eyes water as he thinks: 'Please no! No, I'll be good, I'll do what you say, not this again...'

But then his brain finally tones down the adrenaline enough for him to remember: they never kissed him. They made him kiss others, for laughs, for torture. And they did unspeakable things to his lips, his mouth, his face. But they never kissed him. Not once. And this kiss is friendly. The beard is dripping with some liquid, like his own, and the man smells like sanitizer. But the lips feel soft, and familiar. And the arms aren't in a death grip, trying to subdue him. More like an embrace, keeping him from falling over. Even though one of the man's hands is stretched out more. As if he's signaling for others not to come closer.

Bucks can identify more sounds, like dripping water, beeping monitors, and different voices, some female, some male, all of them worried. Not aggressive as he thought. He can differentiate the cuts, or wounds on his own body more clearly, not seeming too severe now. But there is a steady warm flow where his hand is meeting up with the other man's abdomen. He injured him. And then he hears a wince, coming from the mouth that's kissing him. And he identifies it. 'Steve!', he realizes, 'Steve is hurt! Steve is here, he is hurt, I must protect him!'

So he tries to back away, wants to focus on his face, swaying, and mumbles: “Sveve... vevee!" But he finally sees his eyes. Those beautiful deep blue eyes that he could never forget, gazing into his soul. And he hears him, gasping in a harried manner: “Don't fight, love! They are friends! Don't fight! Please. I'm here. I'm here! Like I promised!" Bucks tries to hold on, he nods. But as the tension leaves his body, so does all the strength he gathered, and exhausted, he goes limp. But he doesn't fall. He does not fall. Someone caught him, somebody is holding him. That's the last thing he comprehends, before oblivion crashes over him like a tidal wave.

🌟