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Selina could almost sense this wouldn’t be an average day at the Iceberg Lounge. Some days ago, one of the girls hired to dance in the burlesque cages above the party crowd had gone missing – the official version was that she’d quit, found somewhere more honest to work, but there was talk. Selina didn’t have good feelings about this, and neither did the other girls behind the bar, but they tried not to talk about it. Rumors could get dangerous real quick in the Iceberg Lounge, and the wealthy clients didn’t like chatty girls.
Luckily, Selina didn’t have to deal as much with them anymore since she started working behind the bar, which she kind of owed to Oz. Her boss seemed to have taken a special liking to her, and, to her relief, hadn’t tried to make it weird yet. Of course she didn’t trust him, but she didn’t see things go sour anytime soon, and he was more concerned about the Iceberg girls’ well-being than Falcone or the other high-ranking snobs running this place.
Today was different, because they had hired a replacement for the missing girl: A pretty blonde, at least that’s what Selina figured from seeing her across the dancefloor, with Selina standing behind the bar and the girl getting a groove on in the cage. They hadn’t been introduced to or run into each other in the dressing room yet, where first meetings between staff usually took place. Selina watched her from afar, silky hair moving with the rhythm, red lights bouncing off her smooth skin and sequined dress.
The dressing room was one of the few safe havens of the Iceberg girls in this place. When Selina entered at the end of today’s shift, the usual faces sat in front of the vanities, fixing their make-up and getting dressed. At the other end of the room, she spotted the new girl all alone and slouched in her chair, greasy blonde head of hair prepped up on one tired hand. Selina figured she must be spent after a whole night of dancing above the party crowd, being blinded by the flashing lights and deafened by the blaring music.
Selina walked over and greeted her in a cheery voice. “Hey, you’re the new girl, aren’t you?”
The blonde looked up to her and mustered a tired smile. “Yes. My name is Annika. It’s nice to meet you.”
Wow, nice accent, Selina thought. “You look super done. Anything I can do for you, sweetie?”
The new girl pulled a tired face. “I guess I do. Urgh, if you don’t mind, I need cigarette.”
“Gimme a sec and I’ll bum one for you, I do that all the time,” Selina laughed. She wasn’t an avid smoker, just when she went through some event stressful enough to warranted one. Most of the guys frequenting the Iceberg Lounge tended to be pretty gullible, especially if they were high on drops, and if Selina stuck to some basic rules, there was little harm in chatting someone up for a quick favor.
When Selina exited the club, there was a single guy standing outside and having a lonely smoke, looking down on his phone and looking sad and a bit lost in general. Perfect, she thought.
“Hey, handsome.” Voice silky smooth, she made her way over to him. “What are you doing here all alone?”
“Er, uhm,” the guy stuttered something, but Selina wasn’t really listening. She already knew the drill: He would blather something about him having a smoke, and maybe something about how she was pretty or some emotional stuff, so she just nodded along politely and glanced up at him through her batting eyelashes until he stopped talking.
“You’re so sweet,” she purred, “mind if I bum a cig?”
The guy stammered something about how of course he would, and placed a cigarette between the two fingers she had prepped up in front of her face, and gave her a light.
“Thanks, honey,” Selina said as she gave him a peck on the cheek in trade before pulling in a puff of smoke.
“N-no problem.” The guy fell over his words, but Selina had already turned her back and strut back towards the door, headed for the dressing room where she had left the new girl behind.
The blonde let out a sigh of relief as Selina approached. “Thank you, you’re an angel.”
“It’s nothing, really.” Selina grinned. “What’s your name again?”
The girl took a drag from the cigarette, sending her straight into a coughing fit. Selina pat her on the back. “Hey, you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” the girl croaked, “I don’t do this often.”
“Then why did you ask for a cig?”
“To look cool.”
“Oh, honey.” Selina started massaging the girl’s back in circles. “Take it easy, girl. You don’t have to impress anyone.”
“Thanks.” The girl had caught herself, but there were little tears in the corners of her eyes. “I’m Annika.”
“Hey Annika. I’m Selina.” Holding out one hand, Selina gave her a candid smile. “I’ve worked here for a while, how about I show you the ropes?”
---
After a couple of weeks, Annika had worked her way around the club, and thanks to Selina’s continuous support, had been promoted to hospitality in the 44 Below. The club inside the club was more posh than the rest of the Iceberg Lounge, so even though it was mostly frequented by mobsters, was generally deemed safe – at least safer than being a cage girl, plus the odds of becoming a rich man’s sugar baby were higher than with the rest of the clientele. Annika, just like Selina, was not rolling in cash, so she gladly took up the chance to get some extra. She told Selina that she didn’t mind having to sit between suited-up dropheads all night, but the latter wasn’t really sure that Annika knew what she was asking for. She had tried hospitality once or twice and had decided for herself that she preferred the bar, and Oz didn’t object having her work back upstairs.
As time went on, Selina and Annika had grown closer, some might claim they were actually friends. Annika would come over to Selina’s place now before or after work if their shifts lined up, and sometimes even on her day off. Selina was glad to see someone outside working hours – keeping friends in Gotham was hard, especially if she had to work most nights and, as a result, was sleeping through most of the days. The majority of the Iceberg girls kept to themselves outside the club, so having Annika come over once in a while was a nice change of pace. It helped her to get a break from the usual drag.
Even the cats had taken a liking to Annika quickly, and vice versa, she seemed to be fond of them. She didn’t talk much about her life before Gotham, but it had slipped through that she hadn’t been allowed to keep pets. Three of Selina’s cats, Tony, Emmy and Oscar, had taken a special liking to her in particular, crowding her as soon as she came through the door and catching them the judgmental stares of the other cats, Nobel, Caine and Webby, who couldn’t believe the indignity.
When Selina had formally introduced them to each other, Annika had laughed at her. “You named them after awards? You must want one of those for real one day.”
“I can dream, okay?” Selina laughed back.
Recently, they’d been playing this fun little game of what-ifs. Selina figured it was Annika’s way of dreaming up a better life, but Annika seemed to be at least somewhat convinced these dreams might come true one day. When rent-day moved closer, she daydreamt a lot about being scouted as a model, or actress, or to be sent to college by a rich benefactor, that sort of thing. Selina thought it was kind of cute, Annika twirling her hair and blabbering on. This time, they sat in Selina’s windowsill, Selina having one of her legs hang out and gazing up at the full moon, wondering if the stars would be visible in the night sky if it weren’t for the neon lights on the street below.
Annika was in a good mood and had been going on about a new thing, marrying her way into money, for at least ten minutes. Apparently being a trophy wife was all the new rage. Selina suspected this was connected to one of the 44 Below customers that had laid his eyes on Annika and had finally put his moves on her. He hadn’t told Annika that much about himself, but she was convinced she had a shot because he didn’t wear a wedding ring, which, to Selina, didn’t mean shit in this place.
“He is a bit intimidating, but they all are. I got to be strong as you, Sel.”
Selina gave Annika a sidelong glance. “I don’t know about that. Don’t do anything you don’t wanna do, girl.”
“But I want to be a schemer like you, you always know what to do to get what you want. It’s so cool.” Annika seemed to be adamant not to be deterred from her good mood. “I wish I could get the things I want.”
“It’s not that rosy, to be honest,” Selina replied, kneading her hands, “the guys at the club are all shit, for what I care.”
Annika was listening intently. Taking this as an invitation, Selina continued: “Like, Ani, it’s true that I can get them pretty easy to do what I want, but it’s not that fun. Maybe I make it seem like it is, but it’s not. You know what I mean?”
“Is it lots of pressure?”
“Eh, not even that, they’re way too easy for that. It’s more like …” Selina motioned around with her hands, not sure what she was trying to say through them exactly. “They think I’m just this dumb doll, this pretty thing on their arm. Would be nice to be seen as a person for once, but they never do.” She shrugged and offered Annika a resigned smile. “Kinda fucks with me too when I’m being extra nice to their face, and on the inside I’m just like ‘ew why am I with this cockroach’?” She stuck out her tongue in a fake gag.
Annika tilted her head backwards and smirked at Selina, charging up her incoming diss. “Selina?”
“Annika?”
“That is messed up to say.”
“I know, I know.” Selina raised her hands in defeat and let out an exaggerated sigh. “I’m just trying to tell you, if you wanna go down that road, it’s gonna suck at least a little bit. But your choice.” She looked back up at the sky and the round, white moon overseeing Gotham; far removed from all their little problems down here, unaffected by anything that happened in or to it, and that would still be there when Selina was gone. Its eternity was quite comforting – the thought of something unmoved and above all the drama and hardships she had to face. Maybe Selina, too, would be able to rise above it all, one day. “Who knows, you could make a really great trophy wife for him, and bathe in champagne every morning. Wait, fuck it – one day I’ll be fucking rich and then you’ll be my trophy wife,” Selina gloated, “and then I’ll scrub your back every day in the champagne bath. These rich fuckers could never.”
Annika raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. “Who says,” she heckled, “that I won’t make more money than you? I will make all the money,” she poked at Selina’s cheek with her index finger, “and then you will be my trophy wife. Take that!”
“Oh, but will you bathe me in champagne and scrub my back?” Selina teased.
“No more booze for you,” Annika told her, “I’m cutting you off. Milk baths only, cat lady. Oh, hello there, Oscar. You heard me say ‘milk’, and now you are here.” She leaned down to scratch the burly tuxedo cat rubbing against her legs behind its ears, making him purr in content. Silently watching them, a fuzzy feeling spread through Selina’s chest as she saw her new friend cuddle her cat.
“So it’s a race.” Selina cocked her head to the side. “Whoever ends up with less money will be stuck as trophy wife.”
Annika stuck out her pinky at Selina, the rest of her hand loosely balled up. “Pinky promise me?”
Selina felt very warm. Annika was always acting so sweet, so carefree. “Pinky promise.”
---
The Iceberg Lounge was packed every night, and this one wasn’t any different. It was a hustle behind the scenes, girls running in and out, getting ready to get dressed up as presentable as possible. A full club meant a full tip jar, so everyone tried to get a shift in. Selina felt a bit uneasy – she hadn’t seen Annika down here in a week, and when she had reached out via text, she’d only gotten a short reply. Apparently, Annika was stuck at home with the flu, unable to afford any meds since she had spend her last savings to get some water damage fixed that her landlord couldn’t be bothered with. Selina suspected it also was the reason why she had fallen ill – Annika had complained to her about the leaky pipes for a while. On her own behest, Selina had exchanged a private word with Oz. She was worried Annika might leave a bad impression for missing work, but luckily, Oz had been as accommodating as always, as she was able to coax out his promise not to let Annika go for missing shifts.
Close to three AM, Selina had finished up and gotten on her way home. Looking down on her phone, she saw that she had missed a call. Annika had tried to call her some hours ago, but in the crowded bar and surrounded by thumping music everywhere, Selina hadn’t noticed its ring.
It took only two rings until Annika picked up. Selina’s heart froze up as she was met with sobbing echoing through from the other side.
“Selina, thank God, I am so sorry I called you this late.”
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“I didn’t get to open my mail because I was sick, I didn’t make it down to the mailbox,” Annika blubbered out, “but now I finally did. Selina, I think I lost my room. There was final notice about rent and then another letter, it says that I am let go. I don’t know how things work over here. I don’t even know all the words in the letter.” Her voice broke up into sobs.
“It’s okay, baby,” Selina tried to calm her, “it’s okay. We will figure something out.” Curse that scumbag landlord, what a piece of shit to put a sick girl to the streets, Selina thought, but she wasn’t surprised. They were antsy in Gotham, especially about people dodging rent. She was barely able to keep up with this monthly dance herself, and Annika missing a week worth of shift money would be able to do so even less. “You can stay with me, just pack your things and come over here. I’m on my way home from the club, will be home soon. We’ll make it work somehow, okay, Ani?”
She could hear Annika blow her nose on the other end of the line. “Yes, okay,” was her weak response, “thank you so much.” Then she hung up.
Selina spent the rest of her taxi drive in silence, cooking up a storm inside. Gotham just had to show its worst side to that poor girl. Walking up the stairs to her apartment, Selina was surprised she didn’t leave any indents in the wooden stairs with her heels, considering how she was stomping around. She was tired, and worn out, and her body wanted to rest, but her spirit was burning.
Caine, a black ragdoll, jumped on Selina’s shoulder just after she had put her coat away, carefully balancing her weight to not get into the way of Selina’s abrupt movements. Selina reached up and absentmindedly scratched behind the cat’s ear, the fluffy weight on her shoulders bringing her some comfort. “Come on, girl,” she said to the cat, “we gotta make this place look nice. Your fave is coming over.”
---
After unpacking the few things Annika carried in her suitcase, Selina and her had settled down onto the bed and between the cats, but not before Annika had placed a bottle of wine onto the counter – a housewarming gift, as she claimed.
While still unhealthily pale, Annika’s face was adorned by a faint smile as she rubbed tabby Tony’s face between her thumbs, who generously let her do so and rewarded them both with his purrs. Another one of her cats, an elderly gray longhair, jumped onto the bed and reluctantly curled up against Selina’s thigh. She lazily pet him and said: “Careful Ani, Nobel is going to get jealous if you keep giving all the attention to Tony.”
“He has to endure right now,” Anika replied, still squishing Tony’s face.
“You’re spoiling him.”
“You can be such mother hen about them,” Annika quipped, “always worried about how to raise your furry children.”
Selina couldn’t help but laugh. “True, you caught me. I’m a single mother of six.”
“Don’t worry, you have me now,” Annika said with a tired smile, “we can share duty. I will be very motherly.”
“You can start your motherly duties by getting Webby to stop chewing on your shoelaces,” Selina said and pointed towards the white cat toying with Annika’s shoes next to the door.
Annika jumped up with a yelp, pushing Tony off her lap. “Sorry, little Tony,” she quickly apologized before she squirmed around above the white cat.
She turned back to Selina. “Selina, I have never picked up a cat, please help,” she begged.
“It’s easy, just grab her under her armpits,” Selina grinned, not bothered to move.
“O-okay,” Annika mumbled, gingerly lifted up the cat, which still had the shoelaces between its fangs, and carried her towards the bed.
Selina reached forward and removed the shoe out of Webby’s bite. “See, easy as pie.”
Webby squirmed around with Annika visibly struggling to keep a hold of her, and managed to wiggle out of her timid grasp, using the bed to launch herself up onto the next shelf. “Ah, she’s like water,” Annika said exasperatedly.
Not paying Webby any mind, Selina waved her hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, she doesn’t mean it personally, she’s still a baby. Well, I don’t know for sure,” she shrugged, “I think she’s around one year old? So basically a teenager.”
Annika looked a bit unsure, but mustered a smile. “As long as she doesn’t hate me for picking her up.”
“Oh no, you’re fine.” Selina returned her smile. “How about we get some sleep and then grab some food in the morning, and open that wine? Special occasion.” She nudged against Annika’s arm. “We have to celebrate my new roomie.”
---
“Wait, real person fiction?”
They had settled down together in the windowsill, watching the morning traffic through the closed window. Selina was already halfway through her second glass of wine Annika had brought as her housewarming gift.
Annika let out a giggle and swirled her glass. “Oh my God it’s embarrassing, please don’t come after me, Sel.”
“I mean, babe, I don’t even know what that means. Spill the tea.”
Selina felt quite mischievous. She liked making Annika squirm, it gave her this odd kick of satisfaction to see the girl blush because of something Selina did or said, and she wanted to have more of it.
“Selinaaa,” Annika groaned, “pleeease.”
Selina raised her eyebrows and took a long sip of wine. “Well?”
Annika did the same and gave Selina a meaningful look over the rim of her glass, corners of her mouth twitching up. “Oh you know, fiction about real people, basic bitch shit.” She wiggled her shoulders. “I just think it would be really fun if Bruce Wayne had this cool, deadly vigilante BF, and like writing racy stories about it.” She stuck out her pretty tongue at Selina, who was barely keeping it together for the sake of not spitting wine across her room.
“They would be such a cute couple! Like imagine, Selina, imagine it for me: You have this sad orphan boy, Bruce Wayne, and all we see of him on TV is how shy he is, like have you seen his face? So I made up this guy who’s this cold-ass killer, like he actually goes after rich bad people, and Wayne too is his target, but then they fall in love and then the killer goes out of his way to protecctttt himmmm! Like Selina, that would be so cute! His own over-protective assassin BF!” Annika motioned her hands in front of them like she was zooming into a big picture, one of her legs comfortably slouched over Selina’s lap. “I make them fuck hard, too.”
Selina couldn’t hold it any longer and burst out in cackling laughter.
“Whaat? C’mon, Sel, you know I’m right, you know it!” Now Annika was laughing, too, her giggling partially being broken up by the hiccups that only crept through on rare occasions. It was the cutest thing Selina had ever heard.
“Oh wow, you’re a sick freak, Ani,” Selina congratulated her, “where can I read it?”
---
Red lights were pulsing to the drum of the beat that made the Iceberg Lounge purr, cones of light scurrying across the room and making the moving, dancing crowd look even more frantic and disoriented. Selina was used to it, and currently working the front of the bar, hoping that Oz would call her in for special delivery so she could escape the red noise for a minute.
“Hey, uhm, barkeep?” Someone beckoned her over, a man that had recently stared to frequent the Lounge. Selina had seen him around once or twice or maybe many forgettable times more. He was fidgeting with his hands and looked greasy. Selina pushed her shoulders back and gave him a wide smile. “What can I do for you, honey?”
“One martini, please.” His voice got almost drowned out by the music.
“One martini, coming right up.” She prepared the drink, still aware of the nervous presence behind her. He was probably staring at her back.
“Thanks. You’re, uhm-“ he started talking, but was cut off by Selina as she turned around, pretending not to hear his babbling over the music. “Here you go, enjoy!”
He didn’t give up, though, as he apparently was very persistent, and called for her again. She turned around, a fake smile plastered across her face. “Yes?”
“You’re really pretty. I was wondering if I, uhm,” he produced something from his hands, “could give you my number? I really want to buy you a coffee and take you to the M.U. Annual Exhibition, you know, the art thing? They got some really cool, uhm, stuff this year.” The guy looked at her with big eyes and held out a piece of paper in both his hands.
“Aw, thanks honey,” Selina purred as she took it, “I’ll have to see, my schedule’s really busy. Enjoy your drink and seeya around.”
Still with that hopeful look in his eyes, the man toasted her with his martini glass and made his way back to wherever he came from. After Selina was sure he would not come back, she crumpled up the note and discretely dropped it onto the floor behind the counter.
“Sel, you lost something,” a familiar voice called to her from aside, from where Annika had approached the counter.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Selina bantered, “just some guy’s number. Asked me out, I guess?”
“Oh.” Annika furrowed her eyebrows together. “What is it doing on the floor?”
“Don’t need it,” was Selina’s sluggish reply.
Annika crossed her arms, loosely holding onto an elegant tray. “He offers you his heart and you drop it on the floor?”
That irked Selina, who now directed her polite fake smile at Annika. “It’s a piece of paper, not a heart.” The latter didn’t seem satisfied with that answer, still staring at Selina and examining her face with a look that, to Selina, must be silent accusation.
Selina rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to have this conversation right now. “Yeah, I know I’m supposed to feel grateful for the sweet gesture, sure. Maybe I will one day, in the distant future, when someone actually bothers to get to know me and isn’t just after my tits.”
“He was trying to get to know you, what do you think dates are for?” Annika quizzed her. “You’re unbelievable, Sel. Even I could see he was nervous.”
“Oh, get off my back, willya? Don’t get on my nerves,” Selina sneered. Annika was the one who was supposed to understand how fed up and annoyed she got with this shit. Sure, maybe this one guy would maybe, perhaps, perchance, be an okay-ish person, but Selina didn’t have the time to go on a quest to find the one guy who was actually nice beneath the pile of “nice guys”.
Annika froze up, her glare turning icy. “I need three White Russians, two of the guests want to drink with me.”
“Oh, this got to be a cruel joke, and that joke is on you, Ani. Why do you bother with these fucks?”
“Not everyone is bad, Sel,” Annika hissed back, “and I really want to leave a good impression with the guests. Besides, Iris is there. We watch out for each other.”
Selina tried hard not to throw up her arms in exasperation. “She doesn’t even remember your name!”
“Yes she does!” Annika retorted, but there was an insecure waver in her voice. She left without a word after that, carrying the three glasses on the tray close to her chest.
Selina grit her teeth. Appearances were everything in this place, so she tried her best not to show that she just had an argument, and she was about to make herself a fool if she looked like she was having a bad time.
That fucking guy. ‘Give others a chance, maybe they are nice’. As if they ever would. No one ever hit on her if they weren’t just desperate to get something physical out of it with someone pretty. She didn’t have to be Selina for that, she could just be about anyone. Why bother if there wasn’t anything in for her?
The Miskatonic University’s Annual Exhibition was something Selina actually wanted to visit one day, but could never make the time and money at the same time. Fuck this guy, she thought, I don’t want him to taint it.
Why did Ani have to insert herself? She was so naïve, always seeing the best in people, even if they didn’t deserve it; maybe even in Selina herself. Fuck her, too, for putting Selina on the spot like that.
“Hey, uhm, you okay?” There was that annoying voice again, that guy from earlier.
Selina took a deep breath and looked back up. “Just gets a bit stuffy in here, I’ll be fine though. Thanks for checking, that’s so sweet of you,” she buttered him up, making her voice drip with honey. Flattery could get one to all kinds of places, and the place Selina wanted to be in right now was the image of the suave barkeeper who customers kept coming back to.
The guy eyed her up and down, making Selina feel like he was examining her at a dissection table. His eyes pricked at her like needles, as if he tried to pry into her emotional state. Can’t even have some privacy behind my own goddamn bar, she thought, why do they always have to overstep my boundaries. She was struggling to keep up the polite smile.
Shooting her what could only be a sly grin, the guy raised his eyebrows. “I’m going out for a smoke,” he dropped casually, “wanna come with me? I’m sure they don’t mind you slipping out for a second.” Selina could’ve sworn a hungry expression leered off his face.
Pig, Selina thought, predictable fucker. If only Ani was here to witness that. Oh wait, her goody-two-shoes nature would prevent her from picking up on the bad vibes, but Selina could see right through the façade; He saw a girl in distress and immediately swooped in like a hawk.
But what if he was actually trying to be nice? What if there were no strings attached this time? Get out of my head, Ani, she thought, a resentful feeling rising in her chest. Fine, they both wanted her to go and find out that badly, huh?
“Sure, a smoke is just what I need right now,” she chirped.
---
Selina was already in the bed they shared when Annika returned from her shift, pretending not to notice how she quietly moved around in their apartment, careful not to disturb Selina’s presumed slumber. The mattress dipped down as Annika slid into bed, still careful not to make any noise.
Selina decided to break the silence. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Annika’s voice was gentle, barely higher than a whisper. “Did I wake you up?”
“No, but watch it, Emmy is somewhere in here.” The spotted tabby had a thing for getting between cushions, regardless of if they were placed on a bed, floor, or windowsill.
Selina heard how Annika sat up and felt how she pulled the duvet over her knees and off Selina, who now turned towards her. The moonlight illuminated Annika’s side profile in its soft glow, carefully tracing the worried expression on it. “I couldn’t find you at the Lounge. I was worried about you.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.”
“Where were you?”
Selina neither replied, nor looked Annika in the eye. Annika reached forward as if she wanted to graze Selina’s face with her fingertips. “I don’t wanna be touched right now,” Selina interrupted the gesture.
“Oh. Sure. Sorry,” Annika dropped her hand, an apologetic look on her face, and instead grasped at the duvet. Selina couldn’t stand seeing her sad like this, so she slid out of bed and walked over to the counter, picking up something from its surface. Moonlight behind her, Selina walked back to the bed and threw the bundle onto it, where Annika picked it up with her delicate hands.
Arms crossed before her chest, Selina solemnly delivered a short briefing. “The guy showed up again, and I thought ‘fuck it lets give him a shot’. Turns out he was just your run-of-the-mill scumbag looking for an easy score. So hey, I thought when I’m already at it, I might as well take his cash.”
Annika rifled through the wallet. “This contains a bit more than just cash,” she muttered.
“Oh yeah, I mean that’s all his stuff. IDs, credit cards and so on.”
A deep wrinkle was furrowed between Annika’s brows.
“What?”
“Selina. What happened, really?”
Instead of answering, Selina looked down at the floor.
Annika leaned forward, prepping herself up on both arms, silky blonde hair spilling over her shoulders and shining in the moonlight. “I’m not going to judge. I am sorry for earlier.”
Biting down on her lip, Selina didn’t know what to do. She never had someone to talk with about those things before. Annika had always been kind and candid with her, and was reaching out even now. Selina decided to take the leap of faith.
“He offered me a smoke, and I already had a bad feeling about him, but I fucking wanted to believe that maybe this time would be okay or I could just pickpocket him, and of course he tried to slobber all over me, like they always do. I don’t think they see me as a person?” A flood of words burst out of Selina. “And he was really gross, like seriously I didn’t want him like that I just wanted to get my fucking mind off of things and maybe also punish myself for our fight?”
She couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, it was as if someone had plucked a hole into the walls holding back her emotions. “Like, I just kept thinking ‘this is what I deserve,’ you know? Just another lowlife stuck in this rotten town forever, scamming dudes and using them to punish myself for how disgusting I am, because there’s nothing else I can do.” Voice cracking, she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and started weeping into her hands.
She could hear the springs of the mattress ache as Annika stood up, and her soft footsteps as she approached. Two soft paws touched Selina’s forehead. She raised her face to see that Annika held out Emmy in front of her chest, softly nestling her into Selina’s arms now that they were free again. She could tell this was not where the cat wanted to be right now, but the soft weight against her chest gave her comfort as she pressed her face into its sleek, spotted fur.
Annika began speaking softly: “I know you said you don’t want to be touched right now, but I want you to know that you are very special to me. Not disgusting. I am so sorry I pushed you over the edge earlier, I didn’t know.” Her voice was wavering, as if she was about to cry herself.
“I’m sorry. I have a weird thing about touch.” Selina tried to catch herself, but it was more difficult than she anticipated. “I don’t wanna hurt you. Whenever I get close to someone, I just end up hurting them, and you’re probably the only person I actually care about.”
“Shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Annika reassured her, “I understand. You don’t have to do anything. I just want you to know that I am there for you.” This was the first time anyone had ever said that to Selina since her mother. The moonlight made Annika glow like an angel, its shine reflecting in her big eyes and off her white nightdress.
“We should probably go back to bed, get some sleep,” Selina said faintly.
Annika frowned. “You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m tired. I’m gonna fall asleep standing up if we stay like this,” Selina attempted to joke. Even now, she couldn’t shake off the habit of trying to keep up appearances, to cling to the image of being as unfazed as ever.
Walking over to the bed, Annika gave the wallet a long look, picked it up, fished out the wad of cash, gently placed it onto the nightstand, then brusquely hauled the wallet onto the counter. It bounced off of it and onto the floor. Selina stared at her, dumbstruck.
Annika returned her gaze with a grim look on her face. “We can just say that we found it outside. No big deal. No one can prove you stole it.”
Selina was not sure what to make of Ani’s violent outburst. She’d never seen her actually get mad. “Yeah, uhm, okay.”
“We can tell Oz that this guy touched you, and give him his ID.”
“Ani, I think that would get him killed.”
“So?”
“So I think we should not do that.”
Annika let out a dismissive huff and crossed her arms, but didn’t object any further.
They had cuddled up in bed with some space between them, covers pulled up all the way over their noses. Neither of them said anything, but Selina could see that Ani was watching her, which only meant that Selina was gazing back in turn.
“You said I am the person you care about,” Annika whispered. Selina was just able to hear her muffled voice through the duvet.
“Yes.”
“I want to say something, but I don’t want to make it weird.”
Her voice was so soft, it made Selina’s heart pound faster. “You wont make it weird,” she said, “I already made it weird, don’t think you can do anything to top that.”
“Okay.” Annika was looking at her with her big eyes, drawing her in. Selina could swear she was about to fall inside. “But please don’t think less of me.”
“Pinky promise.”
“To me, you are the only person I care about.”
A small chuckle escaped Selina’s throat. “Why should I think of you as less for that? That’s awesome.”
What she could read of Annika’s expression grew deeper. “I mean, it’s more than that.” She glanced aside. “I don’t know how to say it.”
Something warm and joyful grew in Selina’s chest, like a delicate flower rising above the ground after spring showers. “maybe I already know.”
“Good.” It was more of a breath than a whisper, barely making its way to Selina’s ears.
A cloud shrouded the moon outside, covering the room in darkness. Selina couldn’t see Annika anymore, she just heard her breaths.
She was invisible in the room, only her words hanging between them. “I think I love you,” Annika whispered out.
“I love you, too.”
---
The evening traffic was quieter than usual, most likely because of the rain pouring outside, its rhythmic pitter-patter drowning out the humming and whirring of the engines driving slowly down the street below them, mindful not to cause any accidents. Our heroines had huddled up together at the open windowsill that had become their go-to place if they wanted to talk, or simply spend time together in silence, each tending to their own thoughts and watching the scene below, or night-sky above.
Selina had her body turned towards the pretty figure beside her. Annika herself had rested her arms on the windowsill and looked up at where the stars would be if the city’s light pollution didn’t drown them out. As usual, only the moon was able to shine through.
“One day, I want to leave Gotham, go somewhere nice. Just stretch out at a beach somewhere for a couple of weeks, doing nothing.” Selina aimed to ask the following as nonchalant as any other thing, hiding how she was actually dead-serious. “Do you want to come with me?”
Glancing over from the side, Annika made puppy eyes at back at Selina. “You mean like vacation?” The artificial lights of the neon signs below painted her in unnatural, mysterious colors, like she herself had just emerged out of the realm of dreams.
“Y-yeah,” Selina brought forward, less confident than usual.
Annika turned towards Selina, who could see the soft smile adorning her lips. “Let’s do it, but it has to be somewhere nice.”
“Somewhere nice, huh?” Selina rubbed her chin in thought for a minute. “How about Fiji? People say it’s pretty, and it’s far away from this shithole.”
Gotham really was a shithole. Selina was made grow up in this shithole, and she didn’t want to suffocate in here. She had zero qualms about leaving it behind.
“Then it’s decided,” Annika determined, a smile lingering on her face.
“What are you grinning about?”
“I’m just enjoying the moment,” Annika stated plainly, “I like being here with you. The thought of us going somewhere nice gives me hope. Now I have something to look forward to.”
“Yeah, me too. Truth be told,” Selina mustered up her smuggest expression, “I think I’d be happy anywhere as long as it’s with you.”
Annika beamed at her, showing her teeth. One of them was chipped, but she had never made a big deal out of it – neither to hide it, nor to explain it. It was simply part of her, one of the little things Selina loved about her so much. It made her seem more like a real person, and less of the picture-perfect façades Selina was used to putting up.
“You and me, Sel, no take-backs.” Annika stuck out her pinky at Selina and held her gaze, asking her to complete the swear, once again. Selina obliged. It was the most natural thing in the world, binding her promises to the girl in front of her. Selina didn’t know in her brain if Annika felt it as strong as her, but that wasn’t important – she could feel in her soul that Annika was just as serious, all jokes aside.
“You and me forever, Ani.”
They smiled at each other, but the moment passed.
Annika let go of her pinky and took Selina’s hand into both of her own. “Sel, I know this is difficult. You don’t have to do anything.”
Selina attempted to muster a smile, but she could already feel the tears rising in her eyes. Why did the stupid little things have to show up now? She should have all of this under control! “I want to kiss you so bad.”
“But you can’t?”
“I’m sorry. I, I just… Kissing is usually not something nice.” Selina had to pull herself together, like she always did. Appearances were everything. Why did they have to be fucking everything, in front of Annika too? Did she never get to escape the fucking appearances?
Selina could hear someone shush her, and how soft fingers wrapped around her shoulders. She could not see a thing – the tears had forced their way out of her eyes, pushing themselves through her eyelids she had wanted to be iron curtains.
“Hey, hey, I’m here, I am here,” Annika cooed. It was one of the most comforting sounds Selina had ever heard.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t. I don’t want to hurt you. Every time I get close to someone, I hurt them, including myself. You’re the one person I actually care about.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.
Annika cupped Selina’s face in her palms, slowly wiping away the tears with her thumbs, lifting her face upwards. “This will be different.” Annika’s eyes were burning with a passion that only young and stupid people were capable of, and Selina was incredibly grateful for it. “We are different. You wont hurt me.”
And with that, Annika kissed her. Selina melted into it, expecting to feel nothing; but there was something. The warm, fuzzy feeling in her chest turned electric, its sparks circuiting around like Selina had never experienced before and didn’t even know could exist at all.
Steamy breaths filled the air between them as they pulled away.
“Wow,” Selina finally mustered, “wow.”
Annika let out a small chuckle. “You see what I mean?”
“I do. Oh god, I do, baby.”
“I told you. There’s nothing to worry about,” Annika announced, “see, you even stopped crying.”
“Is that why you kissed me? To make me shut up?” Selina didn’t really mean it, but her paranoia got the better of her.
Annika looked almost offended. “No, I mean it. Selina, I do. I can want to kiss you and want to not see you cry, you know.” She pouted at her.
Selina brushed a strand of Annika’s smooth hair out of her face. “Babe, I can tell when your pouting is fucking fake.”
“I was hoping you could.”
“God, you’re so catty.”
Annika’s shoulders were twitching as she giggled, holding up one hand in front of her mouth. “No wonder cat lady fell for me.”
Selina took Annika’s hand into her own and looked around their apartment. Oscar, Tony and Emmy laid piled up around their feet, with Tony nabbing at the hem of Annika’s dress, Webby was rustling around in the closet, busy getting their things out of order, and Nobel and Caine slept together in a ball of fur on the bed. This was home.