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Chapter Text

“It’s time to get up.”

“I don’t want to.”

“The manager is going to start calling.”

“So?”

Changmin started to move but Yunho refused to let him go, holding tight and pulling him closer to breathe hot against his ear. “I can think of more interesting ways to spend the day.”

In response, Changmin reached over his shoulder and pushed him away by the forehead. Yunho laughed, rolling onto his back and stretching across the bed while Changmin sat up and reached for his phone. Already there was a text from their manager asking: Are you awake?

He answered he was and waited for the normal: Can you get Yunho up? He’s not replying.

Yes.

Changmin dropped the phone on the nightstand and rolled his neck. Hotel rooms were the worst. He missed his own bed. “I’m supposed to get you up,” he said to Yunho.

“Wasn’t I suggesting that?”

He gave a nasty look and his bandmate raised an eyebrow before snatching his wrist and pulling him down. “You’re cranky this morning,” Yunho said, stroking his short hair and laying a soft kiss on firm lips.

“I have reasons.”

“Tell me about it, sweetheart?”

Changmin opened his mouth and the phone started vibrating erratically. They were getting dangerously close to being late for the start of their schedule. Their managers were getting antsy. Soon pounding on the door would start followed but unwanted entry to help them dress and rush them out to the van.

It wasn’t the right time for a discussion.

It was never the right time.

It was never going to be the right time.

“Forget it,” Changmin said as he shoved Yunho off and headed for the shower to cool his head.

He found the evidence he never wanted to discover on Yunho’s phone over a week ago, and still didn’t know how to react. Yunho still had feeling for Jaejoong.

The music video and music wasn’t overly shocking, Jaejoong had an amazing voice and looked good, maybe better. It was the pictures that hurt. Candid moments saved from before the split and photos Jaejoong shared on his twitter. Yunho had an entire folder hidden on his phone. Like a love sick fan.

It hadn’t really surprised Changmin, no matter how much it hurt. Yunho wasn’t the sort of man to just forget someone he loved so passionately. In a way, it was endearing he could keep the emotions alive.

But it still hurt.

Yunho didn’t want him. He was just what was left.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

Changmin pissy in the morning was not news.

In fact, Yunho was pretty sure he might have a heart attack if his little lover ever acted truly pleasant right after waking. So different from Jaejoong. Jae was a morning person. Eyes slitted like a cat when he opened them, a playful little smirk, and always ready to be rolled over for a tumble. Changmin was considerably harder to persuade into a morning romp.

“Shit. Don’t do that, Yunho,” he said, sitting up and dropping his legs over the side of the bed. Comparisons were the last thing anyone needed. Things were different now.

Yunho looked over at the closed door of the bathroom. The sounds of the shower audible, not a single note of singing.

Changmin.

The man really was more irritable recently. It wasn’t the schedule. They had a nearly relaxing one the last few weeks. Even had a couple nights off where they snuck out to dinner and a movie, fooled around in a park like teenagers. Changmin was even sharing more in those moments when the lights were out, his head on Yunho’s chest and his fingers stroking gently while they talked.

But a week ago, Changmin just turned off.

His lover wasn’t pushing him away, not exactly. He was sullen, but he still let Yunho kiss him, hold him, sleep in his bed. But it felt like all the smaller intimacies were gone. He pretended to be asleep at night to avoid talking, even when Yunho was just discussing their schedule for the next day. He looked at every offering, even something as small and simple as when Yunho gave him a drink, like it was going to be the last.

Betrayal.

That was the look in Changmin’s eyes. But Yunho had done nothing to earn it.

The shower went off and after a few moments Changmin came out, towel over his shoulders and pulling his jeans on. “If you feel like getting one,” he said as he dried his ears, “better hurry.”

“Help me wash my back, sweetheart?” Yunho asked, still sitting on the bed and grabbing Changmin’s wrist when he passed near.

“You don’t need to call me that,” Changmin said in a low voice, his arm hanging limp. But he didn’t pull away. “Just stop.”

Yunho felt his heart beat too fast and then skip as he frowned up at Changmin. “I’m not allowed to call my sweetheart, sweetheart?”

Changmin pursed his lips and Yunho saw the look his eyes. He slid his thumb over Changmin’s wrist and he smiled open and encouragingly, pulling the man closer, one foot sliding over the carpet. If he could get his lover talking, it would be fine. He nearly had Changmin close enough to pull into his lap.

The knocking on the door startled them both, and Changmin jerked his wrist away. “Looks like you just lost your chance for a shower.”

“Easier for the stylists if I don’t,” Yunho said, but his smile was completely fake as Changmin yanked the blankets off the other bed and went to open the door.

Yunho kept his smile in place as they were coached on dressing and their daily schedule gone over for the umpteenth time. He even managed a smile for fans waiting for a glimpse of them outside the hotel as they were whisked into the van.

Changmin put in ear buds and looked out the window to ignore him.

Their manager and stylist were chatting in the row ahead of them as Yunho got out his phone and sent Changmin a message: Hey. Pay attention to me.

He watched Changmin look down at his phone, saw that press of his full lips as he realized he couldn’t pretend he hadn’t noticed the message come in.

His reply was a curt: No.

Why not?

I’m busy.

Yuhno smirked. It was juvenile, but at least he had Changmin’s attention. I’m sitting next to you. No, you’re not.

Maybe I’m thinking.

About us?

About how you should just text Jae.

Both their phones clattered to the floor of the van as Yunho grabbed Changmin’s arm and he jerked his lover to look at him.

“Where the hell did that come from?”

Chapter Text

The moment Changmin sent the text, he knew it was a mistake.

He stared down at his thumb on the screen of his phone and almost couldn’t believe what he’d just done. Yunho’s harsh voice in his ear, and Yunho’s hand snatching his arm, assured him of the reality.

The phone slipped out of his hand and the comforting muffle disappeared as the ear buds popped out of his ears and he was jerked from looking out the window to face his furious lover. He didn’t know what to say. He hardly recognized the look in Yunho’s eyes as the gaze bore into him. Kind of hurt, kind of sad, kind of shocked, all at the same time.

The van was silent, only the sounds of the street and traffic filtering in, as everyone stared at them. Even the driver was looking in the rearview mirror to see what was happening.

Changmin pulled his arm to get it away and Yunho didn’t let go; he squeezed harder.

“You dropped your phone,” Changmin said, impressed by how bored he could sound when his heart was thumping so hard in his chest it felt like everyone could hear it. He put his hand over where Yunho was squeezing his arm. He meant it as a comforting gesture, squeezing it lightly; then he was pulling Yunho’s fingers off. “Yunho.”

The intense dark eyes kept glaring into him, silently demanding an answer.

“Um. Is something wrong?”

The hesitant voice of the stylist finally made Yunho look away. Made him remember they had an audience. Made him let go.

Yunho was a professional.

They had to keep on public faces.

“No,” Yunho said with one of those fake-bright smiles as he leaned down and grabbed both their phones. He didn’t even look as he tossed Changmin’s to him. “We’re fine.”

Changmin put the ear buds back in, even though they weren’t connected to anything, and went back to staring out the window. His hands were shaking. He didn’t dare look at his phone when it started to vibrate with messages. He started the fight, mentioned Jaejoong in a moment of anger, but he hadn’t meant to. It wasn’t the time for that fight. Maybe Yunho would forget.

Not likely.

They were never alone for the rest of the day. They smiled and looked perfect for the cameras, both professional and fans. They said all the right things, laughed at all the right moments, made all the right jokes.

They hardly looked at each other if it wasn’t required.

The schedule took them to the airport for a flight home to Seoul, and the flight was torture. Changmin tried to fall asleep, but all he did was stare at the inside of his eyelids and listen to Yunho’s voice chatting with the people around them. He slumped down in the seat and pulled his ballcap down to keep his face hidden. Yunho hadn’t forgotten. Extra friendly meant he was angry and making an effort to hide it.

Changmin’s mistake.

He really, really shouldn’t have mentioned Jaejoong.

He didn’t want to have that conversation.

Ever.

They made it to the dorm without incident. Yunho got stuck in the main room discussing a shift in their schedule for the next day with the manager. Changmin pushed onto his room, fell into his bed, and shut his eyes.

A good night sleep would fix everything.

The mattress shifted.

He opened his eyes and found a phone in front of his face. His last message glaring at him: About how you should just text Jae.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Yunho’s firm tone said he would not be put off.

Changmin should have been calm about it. Should have made up an excuse about autocorrect. Should have apologized. Should have seduced Yunho, like Jae used to do when he wanted out of a fight. Changmin remembered all the moves to that little dance, had memorized it like any chorography in the years of sitting next to Yoochun and Junsu and pretending he didn’t care. The hooded eyes, the sultry smile, the way Jae’s fingers stroked a path over Yunho’s neck and shoulders, and the purr as he said they should discuss it in the bedroom.

But Changmin wasn’t Jaejoong.

That was the problem.

Instead, he snatched the phone from Yunho’s hand and rolled off the bed, dodging his lover and walking out to the living room. Yunho followed him.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he snapped as he found the hidden folder on the phone and flipped to a picture of Jaejoong smiling, shirtless, and held it up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Yunho winced and covered with a sneer. “Why are you looking through my phone?”

Changmin pressed his lips in a thin line to keep from answering. He found it when he went to leave a note on Yunho’s calendar, something to pop up on one of the days their schedules were separate. That seemed stupid now.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said as Yunho stared him down.

“Clearly, it does,” Yunho said, flexing his hands to keep from making fists. “Sweetheart, are you jealous?”

Chapter Text

Yunho inwardly groaned.

Changmin was not supposed to find the pictures of Jaejoong. They were just a memento from before. A collection of memories. He didn’t stop loving Jae just because they broke up. His heart didn’t work that way. But it didn’t mean he couldn’t love Changmin just as much, maybe more.

Taking a long, deep breath, Yunho flexed his fingers to calm down and reminded himself he was dealing with Changmin. His little lover with the volatile temper.

At least it explained why Changmin was so cold to him recently.

“Sweetheart,” he said, his voice a little too sickeningly-sweet. “Is that it? Is this about jealousy?”

He reached forward and snatched his phone out of Changmin’s hand. It was hard to have a conversation with a smiling Jae looking at him. Yunho blanked the screen and tossed it on a nearby chair. One problem dealt with.

“No,” Changmin said. His lips made a hesitant movement and he glanced away as if he would say no more, but he kept speaking. “This is about not being a choice, just being all that’s left.”

Yunho narrowed his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Yunho asked as he stepped forward. If he could get his hands on his lover, he could make it all right. Changmin was like a cat, prickly and dangerous, but putty if he was held and stroked right.

“You wish Jae were here,” Changmin said as he started to pace, dodging when Yunho reached for him.

Kitty didn’t want comfort; he wanted a fight.

“Jae’s not here,” Yunho said as he followed after, not to rising to the challenge. Fighting with Changmin could get dangerous, and might lead to months of sleeping alone. “You are.”

“I know,” Changmin replied as if it were the most damning statement in the world. “I said you wish.”

“Stop it,” Yunho snapped. “He doesn’t have to do with us.”

“If Jae were still around,” Changmin said, nearly snarling as he angled toward his room. If he made it, Yunho knew he wouldn’t forget to lock the door. “If he were, there wouldn’t be an us.”

That hit like a slap in the face.

He lunged and grabbed Changmin’s arm, jerking his lover around to look at him. The expression on Changmin’s face was startled as Yunho reached with his other hand and lightly held Changmin’s cheek. “That’s not true,” Yunho said. “You and me, remember?”

There was a softness in Changmin’s gaze as he glanced down. Good. He remembered that night.

Yunho could work with that.

“You and me. That’s what you said, sweetheart.” He gently pushed Changmin against a wall so his lover couldn’t run off. “I’ve never been so seduced in my life.” Yunho ran his fingers along the line of Changmin’s jaw. “Remember that night? Remember how well we fit together? Better than me and Jae.”

Changmin’s eyes met his and the perfect lips pressed in a thin line. “Now you’re lying.”

The words were not a good sign. But Changmin had yet to push him off, and that actually was a good sign. Meant his sweet little lover was willing to listen.

“I never lie to you,” Yunho said as he leaned in and gave the unresponsive lips a quick kiss. “You and me, sweetheart.”

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Chapter 5

Changmin did remember.

You and me were just words uttered in a moment of ease. Both of them exhausted from a slam-packed schedule, yet full of so much adrenaline they couldn’t sleep. Changmin couldn’t even remember if they had been in Japan, Korea, or somewhere else entirely, only that it was a hotel. They were sitting on a red couch, he remembered that detail, and he started playing with Yunho’s fingers, holding his bandmate’s hand while they waited for an interview recorded earlier in the day to air.

It’s going to be you and me now, was simply something that came out of his mouth as he stared at their intertwined fingers.

Yunho looked at him.

Changmin remembered how he’d been too tired for nervousness or his normal standoffish behavior as he met Yunho’s eyes and repeated himself: You and me, forever.

They never even kissed before that night.

But when Yunho’s lips touched his, it felt exactly like Changmin always hoped it would. It felt soft and firm and right. He didn’t think twice about Yunho pulling him up from the red couch and drawing him into the bedroom or the way Yunho knowingly shoved a chair in front of the door to ensure they weren’t disturbed.

The interview aired. The managers said it was one of their best since the split. But he and Yunho missed it.

Changmin remembered how good it felt to be in Yunho’s arms, how satisfying it was when he pinned Yunho down and proved he wasn’t wholly the innocent junior the older man assumed.

He also remembered that awkward moment the morning after, when his better sense kicked in, and he tried to sneak out of bed and into his own room. Yunho didn’t let him. He dragged him back down to the mattress and whispered into Changmin’s ear with a smile: Me and you, huh? I like the sound of that.

That was how it all started.

Him and Yunho.

Changmin promised himself he wouldn’t get attached, promised himself he could keep it a friendship. Keep it TVXQ, with physical benefits. Then Yunho had to start calling him pet names, calling him sweetheart, treating him as a real lover, making him think there was something more. Making him think, maybe, he could be more important than Jaejoong had been.

But he was wrong.

There would forever be Jae on Yunho’s mind.

Changmin and Yunho were never going to fit together so well. No matter what pretty lies Yunho concocted. Yunho said he didn’t lie; Changmin knew better.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Changmin said, his lips feeling numb as he pushed at Yunho’s chest. He was too tired to be angry. “Go enjoy your pictures. I’m going to sleep.”

Yunho refused to move, holding him firmly against the wall. He frowned at Changmin. “What do you want from me, sweetheart? Do you want me to delete Jae’s pictures? Fine. Do you want me to beg forgiveness? Sure. I can do that. You have to tell me what you want right now.”

“I want you to let go,” Changmin snapped, and Yunho’s hands left him.

“See, not hard,” Yunho said as he took a step back. His jaw was stiff, eyes sharp, and Changmin realized he’d managed to piss his lover off. “Now what else do you need to get this out of your system so we can go back to you and me?”

“Maybe there never was a you and me.”

Changmin knew it was a mistake, and one he didn’t even mean. Yunho shoved him back against the wall. He let out a startled yelp as his head smacked against the drywall. It didn’t really hurt, he was simply surprised as he jerked his head and met Yunho’s furious gaze.

“If there’s no you and me,” Yunho said, his voice holding an underlying growl even as it sounded sweet. “Then just who did I make love to the other night? Who was calling my name? Whose long legs were wrapped around my waist? Who left scratches on my back and a kiss mark on my hip?” His hands flexed where they held Changmin’s arms. “Tell me that, sweetheart.”

The graphic description caused Changmin to flush as he reflexively glanced around for witnesses, expecting a manager or someone to have appeared.

They were alone.

“I’ll never be able to give you what you really want,” he said as his gaze fell from Yunho’s eyes to his lover’s chin. “I’m n...”

“After three weeks of in living hotels,” Yunho snapped, interrupting as one of his hands moved to tenderly caress Changmin’s neck, “what I want is to sleep in my room, in my bed, with my lover.” He crinkled his nose, frowning. The flash of anger was slowly fading. “And just in case you’re having anymore strange thoughts, I mean you, not Jae. You. You’re my lover.”

A shiver ran up Changmin’s spine.

Yunho’s thumb stroked over his lips and he sighed. “What do you want, sweetheart? How can I make this all better?”

Changmin didn’t know the answer, didn’t know there was an answer, until he heard it tumbling from his mouth: “Say you love me.”

“Min…”

“Say it.”

“Of course I love you.”

“Say it!”

“I love you!” Yunho shouted. “I love Shim Changmin.”

Changmin’s knees gave out and he was glad for Yunho and the wall holding up his weight as he slumped. A sigh escaped as the words rang in his ears.

Yunho’s hands held his face, coaxing him to look up, and their eyes met. “How can you not know that, sweetheart?”

Chapter Text

Yunho didn’t know how his little lover could miss the obvious or how he could have let it happen.

Again.

He thought Changmin was being standoffish and putting distance between them because it was how he was made. It never occurred to Yunho there was a real divide. There had been a split between him and Jaejoong, too, and Yunho hadn’t thought it mattered; sometimes their intentions missed but they were happy. Then they weren’t together anymore, and Yunho realized Jae hadn’t been happy at all in the end.

Yunho wasn’t going to let it happen with him and Changmin.

At least Changmin finally seemed to have relaxed. His eyes had drifted shut and he was forcing himself to breathe rhythmically, like he did to calm down after a performance.

“Come to bed with me, sweetheart,” Yunho said softly, stroking Changmin’s cheeks.

There was a slight nod, he could feel it against his palms. Not quite real agreement, but definitely not refusal. He pulled Changmin from the wall and slid his arm around his lover’s waist. Mostly to show affection. But partly to keep Changmin at his side if the younger man decided to get angry and tried to storm off again.

Yunho’s room was always messier than Changmin’s. The clutter suited him fine. He wasn’t in the dorm nearly enough for it to bother him, and he knew where everything was. Also, there was a little delight in how much his mess frustrated Changmin. Recently, he started to call Changmin his nagging wife whenever his lover came in to clean and irritably inform him what a laundry basket was and its use.

Besides, if a mess brought Changmin to his room, why would Yunho clean it himself?

Changmin didn’t make a single comment on the state of the room as he pulled away from Yunho and dropped on the bed. One of many things Yunho had learned over the years. Changmin wasn’t easy to make really angry. Irritated and annoyed he could be at the drop of a hat, angry was rare. When it did happen, and his temper was frightening when it came out, it exhausted him.

He had the blankets pulled up and rolled to face the wall as Yunho sat down on the bed and reached over to caress his hair. “I love you,” Yunho said. If Changmin didn’t know yet, Yunho would keep saying it until his little lover understood.

“You don’t need to tease me. I get it,” Changmin said, swatting at his hand.

“Apparently you don’t,” Yunho said as he stroked fingers under Changmin’s chin to make him look back. “I love you.”

“Then why don’t you have a mysterious collection of my pictures on your phone?” Changmin asked, anger not entirely spent. But he didn’t pull away. Now he was looking for an answer, not a fight.

Yunho smiled. That was an opening he could do something with. He let go and got off the bed just long enough to snatch up his carryon and find his digital camera. Changmin sat up to watch him.

“Because I have a better selection here,” he answered as he unlocked the memory card, smirking at the first picture. “See.”

Changmin took the camera and his eyes went wide as he looked at the picture on the display. His ears colored as Yunho sat down again.

The image was after the last time they made love. Changmin dozed while Yunho went to get some water bottles, and he hadn’t been able to resist snapping a shot of his sweetheart sprawled across the hotel mattress, sheet tangled around his legs, smooth back glistening with sweat, hair damp and clinging.

Yunho whispered against Changmin’s ear. “How could I not love someone so gorgeous, sweetheart?”

There was no reply as Changmin flipped through more pictures. Lots of Changmin asleep or in profile as he looked away. Some illicit, like the first. But more simple moments, like in the van when Changmin was slumped against the window or in the airport staring out the big windows waiting for a plane. Moments Yunho felt a need to capture.

“Why?” Changmin asked as he found a close up of his sleeping face. Lax, lovely, and drooling slightly. Not the sort of image the company wanted for them, but Yunho loved it. “How come you didn’t share?”

“The last time I showed you a picture, you told me I didn’t have the right lighting,” Yunho said, shrugging.

Changmin’s interest in photography meant he could be a tad insensitive and critical. Yunho didn’t mean for his pictures to be art, he meant for them to hold a memory.

“You didn’t,” Changmin said, apparently remembering the incident. “Sorry.”

“I love you, so I don’t mind,” Yunho said, feeling the need to sneak in a reminder of his affection as he nipped Changmin’s ear. “I just figured I’d save you having to look at my crappy photography.”

“They’re not bad.”

Yunho smirked. He could hear the tone as he prompted, “But?”

“I feel like there’s something else you want to take a picture of,” Changmin said, rubbing his finger across the display.

“You looking at me.”

Changmin let out a snort as he continued glancing through the images. “Pick up a magazine.”

“No, sweetheart,” Yunho said as he caught his lover’s chin. He licked his lips and stared deep into the brown eyes. “I mean the way you only look at me.”

Changmin swallowed hard. “Oh.”