Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[13. August 2022]

The day was warm, but refreshing enough to not have to wear shorts. I walked along the path with big steps and tied my almost shoulder-length hair into a half braid. I dropped my hands again and looked towards the sea.

From here you could still hear the sound of the water rushing towards the beach and a little less the people who had spread out on it. To my right, passers-by walked along the promenade, stopping now and then at shops to look at all kinds of goods.

I looked down at my shoes because I didn't know how to handle myself since I didn't have a bag or anything with me to hide the feeling of uneasiness. Suddenly a skateboarder came from my right and almost ran over my feet.

"Hey, watch it!" The guy grumbled at me and continued towards the skate park.

I looked after him with wide eyes and digested my fright, when I saw a boy in a yellow shirt who was also in the skate park. He was riding his worn skateboard along the tracks and had a look of boredom and coolness on his face.

He must have been to the skate park many times, considering his appearance and behavior made it seem like it was his second home. From a distance I could see how attractive he was. I noticed that he must be a loner as he skated more for himself and kept away from larger groups of friends.

His charisma refused to take my eyes off of him, which brought my focus further to his wrist. A bracelet that looked very familiar. It was small and delicate with white charms on it.

I didn't think this person would get my attention not only because of his looks but also because of something else entirely. With big, quick steps I started walking again but this time not further along the promenade but in the direction of the skate park. At the entrance, however, I was stopped by a big guy.

"No entry for people without skateboards." He said with folded arms and an annoyed voice.

"But this is a public place, isn't it? Why do I need a skateboard for entry?"

"You need a skateboard as an 'entry' so that groups of people like you don't gather here to just 'hang out' and so that they don't obstruct the people who really want to skateboard here. So either you have a skateboard or you get out of here." The guy explained to me as if it was his daily ritual.

"Hey, what's going on here?" I heard a voice say. From the front came the attractive boy with the bracelet, holding his skateboard in his left hand. Up close, I noticed that he had two piercings on his lips. Once on the left and once on the right of his lower lip, the metal rings gleamed at me. His hair was silver and his expression had a hint of curiosity in it. The skate park bouncer turned to the boy.

"Oh it's nothing. Just someone without a skateboard again." He described the situation to him. The boy in the yellow shirt now looked towards me.

"Ah. I'm sorry but you can't get in here without a skateboard."

"Actually, I just wanted to come in and talk to you."

"Oh." He looked even more surprised now.

The bouncer just laughed and walked over to a group of people, but before he did, he tapped the boy on the shoulder and whispered to him:

"Somebody wants your number!"

I watched the bouncer leave and felt the boy's gaze still on me.

"I'm sorry but I'm not interested in a relationship." He apologized.

"Neither am I. I'm here for something else." I assured him. He looked at me confused and shifted his weight to his other foot.

"Then what do you want to talk to me about?" I looked down at the white bracelet. It had six charms on it, one of which represented a skateboard.

"I want to know about the bracelet." I explained, pointing a little at his right wrist. He followed my finger and looked at the bracelet as well.

"Sorry but there's nothing to tell about that. You should go now." He said and turned around.

He casually dropped his skateboard on the ground, got on it, then rode down the ramp and moved away from me. My gaze continued to be on him and I was thinking of the best way to get back to him.

Just saying that he didn't know anything about it is not a good excuse, he should come up with a better one.

I looked around and saw all the people standing there with their skateboards and wondered how I could get one of those in a hurry. I turned around and looked down the promenade and happened to find a shop selling skateboards. Only I could be that lucky! How ironic.

He was lying with his head on his skateboard, his legs hanging calmly down the ramp and I'm about to steal his sunlight.

When the boy in the yellow shirt noticed how the sun was no longer shining on his face, he opened one of his eyes and looked up at me.

"You can't be here without a skateboard." He told me now with both eyes open.

"I have a skateboard." He sat up straight and looked behind his right shoulder to see me holding a freshly bought skateboard.

"Just because you bought a skateboard doesn't mean you're going to skate with it here."

"I was just told that you need a skateboard to get in here." I said convincingly. The boy sighed and turned back around.

"I already told you; there's nothing to tell about it."

"You're lying." He sighed again.

"I know that bracelet."

"You do?" He was still looking ahead. I, on the other hand, was still standing behind him, looking at his back. I hesitated, not knowing if this was the right course of action I was taking.

"I knew him."

"Many knew him." He said directly and now also slightly annoyed. From the look on my face, one could tell I was thinking.

"But not many knew him well."

"That's true." He said again right after I finished my sentence.

"I guess I'm one of those people." He added quietly, now looking down at his hands. I kept looking at the back of his head, wondering what he meant by that. He's probably as clueless as I am.

The boy in front of me took a deep breath and cleared his throat briefly before standing up and turning around. Now I was the smaller of the two of us again and had to lift my head a little to look him in the eye. His eyes showed a bit of pain. It was clear he didn't want to talk about it.

"You should leave. I can't answer your questions."

He continued to stare at me with that pained look, waiting for me to leave. Even the second time I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't tell me anything. Either he doesn't want to or he really doesn't know. Whichever is true, I don't think I'll find my answers with him.

I took a deep breath and took my newly bought skateboard in both hands. I looked a little awkwardly at the floor and then slid down the ramp to come to a halt again on straight ground. I continued to stand in the same spot and could feel his gaze on me. I took another deep breath and then walked towards the exit.

"Wait!" The boy behind me called out to me.

I turned around, holding my purchased skateboard in a tight hug, and looked up at the boy, who was still standing in the same spot as just now.

"How do you know him?"

I loosened my grip on my skateboard, my gaze further anchored on him. Now I too had a hint of pain in my expression.

"He was my boyfriend."

Chapter Text

The day was coming to an end and you could see the sunset perfectly from the skate park. Around the sun, it turned a dark orange that stretched across the whole sky and made everything seem warm, even though it was starting to get cold.

In front of me was the boy with the yellow shirt and the lip piercings, whose hobby it was to come here every day and ride around on his skateboard. At least that's what it seemed like when he was even buddies with the bouncer.

I watched as the boy picked up his skateboard from the ground and casually slid down the ramp, as he was still on it before. When he was close enough to me he stopped, his board held firmly in his left hand again.

"I'm sorry about that. Must have been bad for you."

"You don't have to apologize for everything. It's annoying." I told him calmly, trying to loosen my stance. He started looking me up and down.

"You don't look like his type."

"Why? Because I'm not a boy?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Then how did you mean it?" I asked snappishly. He shifted his weight.

"He didn't like people who were pushy like you." He spoke with an expressionless face. I felt insulted and it showed. I tried to think of a retort but I was a bit taken aback by his directness that I couldn't think of anything to say. I decided to ignore it and changed the subject instead.

"What's your name anyway?"

"Taehyun."

"Don't you want to know my name?" I asked him.

"Sure."

"Evolet. My name is Evolet."

"Weird name."

"I know."

After not knowing what to say next, the two of us just stood there. He couldn't answer my questions now, but maybe I'll get him to reveal something eventually.

He was wearing the exact same bracelet as Taehyun. They must be connected somehow, I know it.

"Why were you so keen to know how I knew him?"

"It's interesting to know who he hung out with. It's not like we're the only ones he's friends with. Was, I mean."

"We? Who is we?" I asked in a curious voice. He looked hesitant. He shied away from the past and you could tell he didn't want to talk about it, like he didn't want it to be true. I thought and looked around.

There were fewer and fewer people on the promenade and the groups of people on the skate park were also slowly dispersing. They complain about young people hanging around and obstructing skateboarders, but they themselves just stand together in groups and don't move a bit.

"Listen. If you don't want to tell me about it, that's okay. But you said 'we', so there are others who were friends with him, right? Then I'll just go and ask them." I clarified my offer.

Taehyun sighed again, looked down at his board and renewed his grip on it. He looked at the white bracelet and I caught a glimpse of another pendant that looked like a guitar. He exhaled and shook his head, analyzing the bracelet with its charms from front to back, probably considering how best to say no. He lifted his head.

"All right. I'll tell you how to find the others, but I won't be blamed if they reject you too." I was surprised. I didn't expect him to help me out.

"Really?"

"As persistent as you are. If it gets me rid of you it's fine with me."

Taehyun and I walked along the nearly empty promenade, him holding his skateboard and mine under his arm.

"You don't have to carry this for me."

"You only bought the board to talk to me and you're probably not going to skate with it anyway so you might as well give it to me." He said, looking ahead.

"But I paid for it."

"Then I'll buy it from you." He said, not expecting any argument. And none came.

"So if you're dying to talk to the others, the best place to find them is where they hang out most of the time. Soobin is often at a cafe called 'Downtowner' because it's near his university. Beomgyu stays at his house most of the time, but you should go there in the mornings because otherwise his father will give him a hard time if he finds out he invites girls to his house." I frowned. I felt sorry for the guy already.

If the father is how I thought he was, then I wonder why he spends most of his time at home.

"Kai works at a cafe near Han River during the day, so you should look for him there." I stopped, confused. Taehyun also stopped and turned to me to see what was going on.

"Are you okay?"

"I know Kai. I work at the same cafe as him."

"Oh really?" Taehyun asked me in surprise.

"He didn't even tell me there were other staff working there. He usually always works alone."

"Well, I've only had the job for a few weeks and we haven't talked that much either. Maybe that's why he didn't say anything." I explained my situation to Taehyun.

"I doubt it. He really tells us everything. Every little thing, down to the smallest detail. Probably because he has nothing else to tell." He sighed and looked ahead.

"That's settled then. Can we go on now?"

"Yes." I half stuttered and caught up with him again with long strides.

"And then there's Yeonjun." He paused.

"He usually drives around town in his car. But I can't tell you where he goes or where he stays more often. Sometimes he stops at a cafe and sometimes he stays in some deserted places. It's hard to find him if you don't have his number to contact him."

"Then give me his number." I said as if it was the most logical solution. I could tell from Taehyun's face that it probably wasn't.

"He doesn't answer people except us, and strange numbers even more so." There was silence for a short while and I could see that Taehyun was looking for another way for me to find Yeonjun.

"I'll just give you my number and find out where he is myself. Then I can text it to you." He decided. I don't think one person has ever surprised me as much as he has. Although there is one. Every time I think I know what makes him tick, Taehyun comes up with a statement like this.

"Why are you doing this? You could just say you don't know where Yeonjun is and you'd still get rid of me. So why are you helping me?" I asked him, coming to a stop again.

He looked at me and I couldn't help looking at his lip piercings. He radiated a certain strength with them that I couldn't define. The thought that he thought it might suit him made me giddy. And it was true, it did suit him. Very much so.

"You're so intent on finding out the truth, I'm getting curious myself."

"Don't you want to know?" I asked him, confused. By all appearances, he really doesn't know why he did that. But Taehyun knows something about the bracelet and that's the only thing he wants to keep from me.

"I also wanted to know the truth. But after some time, I found out I wasn't worth it."

"Why would you say something like that?" He looked at his bracelet again. It must have meant a lot to him.

"Somewhere along the way, it occurred to me that I only played a small part in his life. I thought-" He chewed on his lip piercings.

"I don't know. Maybe I don't want to admit it either and I stopped looking for a truth I won't like." He whispered, playing around with his bracelet that probably played a bigger part than I first thought.

A cold breeze hissed between us and I noticed goosebumps forming on my arms. I rubbed my arms warmly in response, but then dropped them again and just tried to ignore the cold.

Taehyun was wearing a white long-sleeved sweatshirt under his yellow shirt, so he wasn't as cold as I was. I was embarrassed at the thought of not carrying a jacket in case it did get a bit colder or I was still talking to a strange guy late at night.

Taehyun exhaled slightly and released the bracelet on his wrist to reach into his back pocket with his right hand and pull out his phone. It took my brain a few seconds to realize what he was up to and when it came back to me, I also took out my phone. Although not as quickly as he did as I had a bit of trouble gripping it in my pocket.

We exchanged our numbers and then both put our phones away again.

"So." He exhaled deeply.

"Good luck with the other guys. I doubt they know anything, though. Let alone want to talk about it."

"I'll try my best." I said and walked off, continuing to follow the path.

"Did he ever mention us?" I heard Taehyun ask behind me. I turned around to face him. He was already standing a few meters away from me. I looked at him and saw a bit of pain in his eyes again, although it was almost dark and he should have been standing too far away by now. Maybe it was more pain reflected in his face than first noticeable.

"Not once." I said with a blank expression on my face.

Chapter Text

[16. August 2022]

I looked at my phone. I put it down on the table. A few seconds later I looked at my phone again. Still no message from Taehyun.

It had been two days now and he still hadn't text back. I didn't text him again myself, because I thought he wouldn't want to help me if I nagged him about it all the time.

The café I was sitting in was in the center of town and I could see the passers-by wandering through the streets from my table.

Since meeting Taehyun at the skate park, I hadn't come across any of the other guys.

Kai didn't come to work yesterday, so I didn't get the chance to talk to him. The boss just told me that he went on sick leave and that hopefully he'll be back by the end of the week or he'll be out of the job. After that, he complained about Kai and threatened to give him night shifts even though the shop closes at 8pm.

I've only been working there for a few weeks and I already know that it was perhaps the worst decision I've ever made. With a boss like that, I'd take sick leave too, to be honest.

Kai had been scolded by the boss before and he never gave any indication that it bothered him, let alone that he spoke back. He seemed more like the type who didn't care and would still continue to work there normally no matter how many times he got snapped at. Or maybe he just couldn't afford to change jobs. At least that's how it is for me.

After putting my phone back on the table for the tenth time now, I heard someone enter the cafe.

The customer put his right arm on the counter to lean against it, his legs casually bent and his gaze focused on the empty counter. His eyes then wandered around the room, examining it for a waiter, and I caught a glimpse of his face.

He had black, styled hair that hung halfway down his face and reached to his fox-like eyes. I detected a slight red eye make-up on his eyelids and a cut adorned his right brow that went diagonally through it.

Under his right eye I also detected a small birthmark. His lips were plump and had an unusual shape that screamed perfection in itself. This person was the definition of 'beautiful'. He was attractive and handsome and exuded a certain coolness that further emphasized his attractiveness.

His presence seemed to make everything else in the room look small and not just because he was quite tall, but because his charisma also intimidated me to some extent. You could tell that his exterior was hiding something, he seemed inscrutable. Judging by his facial expression, he was not in a good mood, perhaps because the waiter had still not come back from whatever he was doing except standing in front of the cash register.

My phone vibrated and I blinked a few times to clear my mind. This boy's appearance had given me more feelings of happiness than the monthly salary from the cafe where I worked. That's because I hadn't even received my monthly salary yet.

He must not have noticed me staring at him, because when the waiter returned, he turned back to the counter and finally placed his order. Meanwhile, I looked at the message I got. It was from Taehyun.

Yeonjun is going to Le Cafe in Yongsan-gu.

He texted me 10 minutes ago so he should

already be there.

I stared at the display with a confused look. I looked at the handsome boy in front of me who was ordering a coffee. I looked at the message again. I read the message from letter to letter. Just to be sure, I glanced up at the monitor hanging above the counter, because I could clearly read the name of the café there in bold letters.

I glanced over at Yeonjun, who was handing the waiter the money for the coffee. Of all the people I was going to see, I thought he would be the most difficult to find. But once again, the situation turned out differently than expected.

I didn't text Taehyun back and instead took my phone, which I stashed in my pocket after getting up from my seat. I grabbed my drink, which was also on the table, and walked over to Yeonjun. The closer I got to him, the more aggressively his aura flowed through me, seeming to get bigger and bigger.

Yeonjun's back was now turned to me and he was looking out at the street, which was filled with many more emanations and individuals who did not seem as expressive as he did.

"Are you Yeonjun?"

"Who wants to know?" He asked, turning to me, his expression serious and impenetrable.

He eyed me up and down, and when he realized that a stranger was standing in front of him, his expression hardened even more. I, on the other hand, stared at him, not knowing what to do with all this beauty before me. I blinked away my awkwardness and gathered my words without turning away from his face.

"Your coffee is ready." The waiter said and Yeonjun averted his eyes from me to accept his drink. As he did so, I recognised on his wrist the exact same bracelet Taehyun was wearing and a pendant that was shaped like a car.

Yeonjun turned and walked towards the exit without bothering with me any further. I ran after him and was almost hit by the door, which was about to close again after Yeonjun opened it with ease and walked through.

"Wait! I want to ask you something." I called after him. He stopped and exhaled in annoyance before turning back to me. He looked at me with an annoyed look, waiting for me to finish addressing him. My eyes caught a brief glimpse of the bracelet.

"I know that bracelet. Sunoo wore it too." He blinked in confusion for a moment.

"Good for you." He said panting, took a sip of his coffee, turned and walked away. Does everyone always have to run away?

I ran after him, walking with quick steps along his side.

"Why do you have the same bracelet? Were you friends? Is it like a friendship bracelet?"

"It's just a bracelet."

"But Taehyun wore it too." He stopped.

"How do you know Taehyun?" He asked me bitingly.

"I met him at the skatepark and he was wearing the same bracelet. Were you all friends with each other? And do the others have a bracelet like that too?" Yeonjun looked more and more confused the more questions I asked. He squinted his eyes and it looked like he was trying to look through me.

"What do you want from me?" He asked me.

"I want answers."

"Answers?"

"To my questions."

"And your questions would be?" Why are you so pretty?

"I knew Sunoo. I want to know why he did that." Yeonjun loosened his expression and looked at the wall of the building behind me. Now he looked at the street with a sigh.

"Let me guess, Taehyun didn't tell you?" I shook my head. He gave a short mocking laugh and then took another sip of his coffee.

"I can't answer your questions. But try the others." He said with a sneer and went off again. I stood there irritated, thinking about how he had just turned me down.

I caught up with him again and watched him walk calmly down the path, sipping his coffee now and then.

"Are you all going to send me to the next best person now and turn me down?"

"Yes." He said without hesitation. I sighed.

This was going to be harder than I thought. But maybe they really didn't know anything about it. Maybe they all weren't as much of friends with each other as I thought. But then why those bracelets? They were still wearing them even after what happened.

"Hold this." Yeonjun ordered me, pushing his coffee into my hand. He unlocked his car with his car key and I only now realized that I had followed him to his car.

When Yeonjun opened the car door he wanted to reach for his coffee but I shrank back with my hand.

"What do the bracelets mean?" He sighed and dropped the hand he was reaching for his coffee with again.

"You're really annoying, you know that?"

"I was told that once, yeah." I stared at him, wide-eyed.

"They're friendship bracelets. Is that enough? Ok, then give me my coffee now." He said and tried to grab his coffee again but I beat him to it.

"So you were friends with Sunoo. Were you good friends?"

"We were friends." He said correctly.

"We were friends and now we're not."

"How long did you know him?"

"Long enough to know he was a wimp." I looked at him dumbfounded. So that's what he thought of him.

Yeonjun took the chance to get his coffee and won. He got into his car and closed the door without further ado. He then put the key in the ignition and the engine of his car came to a dull rumble. Yeonjun, however, remained motionless in his car and made no move to drive off. I saw him sigh before he rolled down the driver's side window.

"Oh, and one more thing. Don't be so conspicuous when you stare at someone." He said and grinned. He closed the window again, pulled out of the parking space and drove away.

Chapter Text

[18. August 2022]

"Yeah, I already expected that." Taehyun said with a thoughtful expression on his face.

We both sat on the middle ramp of the skatepark and let our legs tumble down. His board was lying next to him, looking more demolished than the last time I was here. Just like his board, Taehyun's appearance had also changed, because apart from wearing a blue shirt instead of a yellow one today, he had a white cast around his right arm that read 'LOSER' in capital letters.

"Who did that?" I asked, pointing to his cast.

"Me."

"No, not the arm. I meant who wrote that on there."

"Me." He said again.

"Why did you do that?"

"I don't know." He replied, looking down at the cast. He had now put the bracelet on his left wrist although he had always worn it on his right wrist before. I guess he really wanted to wear it.

"You're so persistent, why don't you try again?" Taehyun changed the subject.

"Ha, he'll run me over in the end." I laughed, not imagining that going to him a second time would do any good.

"Why don't you just answer my questions?"

"We've been over that. You don't ask me questions and for that you can hang out with me." I wanted to say something, but then stuck to not doing it. Instead, I took out my red marker that I needed for work and scribbled on Taehyun's plaster.

"'LOVER', how original."

"Better than your self-insult."

I walked home, taking the diversions through a small street. I came here often as it was close to my flat and there were all sorts of things you needed to survive. A few meters straight ahead was a small grocery shop, a bench here on the right, one here on the left.

I took a few steps back and looked through the glass window into the bank. I saw Yeonjun in a white tank top, just hitting the ATM in anger. He turned energetically away from the machine and ran his hand through his hair in a tizzy, while resting his right hand on his hip. How could it be that he was so easy to find?

Now both hands were on his hips and he was looking around the bank frantically. I noticed his car was right behind me so I just waited outside until he would come out of the bank so I could ask him my questions again.

Yeonjun's gaze lingered on a black sports bag lying on top of a vending machine not far from the one he had just beaten up. He approached the bag and cautiously peered inside. His posture hesitated a little and he turned his gaze to the upper right corner of the room where a camera was probably installed.

After some thought he took the bag and rushed out through the glass door into the cold night. On his way out he noticed me standing in front of his car watching everything and instead of walking past me and leaving me standing once again, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me with him to his car.

"Get in." He ordered me and for some stupid reason I did. Maybe because he had just stolen something and I panicked because I didn't want to get caught. On the other hand, it was also a stupid idea because I had nothing to do with it before and now I looked like an accomplice.

He opened the car door on the other side and got behind the wheel. He stowed the bag in the back seat and I panicked even more. In fact, I was in a strange car with a strange person who had just robbed a bank and was now driving away with a grinning face.

"Did you-" I frowned.

"Did you just rob a bank?" His smile grew. If the circumstances hadn't been alarming, I would have admired his sweet smile.

"Yes I did." He said, feeling quite proud of himself too.

"Why did you do that?"

"Why did you get in the car?"

That was it. It turned out that under his beautiful skin was a stone cold criminal! As soon as he stopped the car, I would disappear.

We drove about five kilometers further into the city center, he then parked the car on the side of the road and when he switched off the engine he slumped down in the seat and laughed out loud.

"Wasn't that fucking sick?" He asked me, looking over at me. His smile was still wide on his face.

"You're insane!"

"Oh come on, don't be such a buzzkill." I looked at him in shock.

"Buzzkill? Buzzkill!? You just robbed a bank and now you've dragged me into this as well!"

"They won't miss the money anyway. It's only a small part of what they have in their vaults." I was speechless. My search for answers had led me to a criminal who didn't even regret it and on top of that I am now one too!

"Why should I get in the car?"

"Simple, I'll answer your stupid questions and you won't rat me out for it." He said, looking forward again. I stared at him and he sighed.

"And if anything happens, I'll tell them you were my hostage." The guy was cool about it. I took a deep breath. I couldn't pass up this opportunity despite everything and even though I was about to throw up from stress, I tried to concentrate on the essentials.

"Explain the bracelet to me. What do the charms mean?" The simple questions first. He exhaled briefly, looked down at his bracelet and played around with the charms hanging from the chain.

"As I said, it's a friendship bracelet if you want to call it that. The charms represent the people. The skateboard is Taehyun, Beomgyu is the guitar, Soobin is the book, Me is the car, Kai is the baseball bat and Sunoo is the L."

"What does the L stand for?"

"Loser." That explained why Taehyun had written that on his cast. So the supporters represented the interests of those involved. I frowned.

"Are you a car mechanic?"

"What?"

"Because of the car tag."

"No." He groaned in annoyance.

"Those idiots thought it was funny to associate me with my junk car." I had to laugh. He averted his eyes from the bracelet and looked at me.

"You think that's funny?" He hissed. I, however, continued to giggle to myself as I was amused by the thought that they probably teased him like that often. He ignored how amused I was and turned his body towards me. He narrowed his eyes again and eyed me.

"Why don't you tell me about yourself for once." I slowly stopped laughing and looked into his eyes, which pierced me expectantly.

"All the time you ask me questions, but I don't know anything about you. How do you know Sunoo?" I swallowed. Not answering his question now would be totally contradictory to what I had been saying about him and Taehyun all this time.

"I was his girlfriend."

"Oh, that's bad. Did he also promise you things he couldn't keep?" I remained silent. Yeonjun waited for my answer but I ignored his question.

"We were together for five months. So... actually it would be six now." I said slowly, not averting my eyes from Yeonjun.

"He never gave any indication of what he was up to so I was completely clueless." The eye contact between Yeonjun and I remained constant and it was starting to make me nervous. Yeonjun listened to me intently and I thought I detected some pity in his sardonic expression.

"I just want to know why he did it, that's all." I said quietly.

"Were you very close?"

"As close as can be expected in a five-month relationship." The car suddenly filled with a stifling silence that I would have been only too happy to break if only I had felt like changing the subject or talking.

Yeonjun turned back to the wheel and put both hands on it to steady himself. He exhaled loudly, marveling at the handlebars until he took his hands off the wheel again and rested them casually on his legs. Meanwhile, I remembered the pocketful of money and felt another uncomfortable, stabbing panic.

"What if the police come? You've been caught on camera, they'll be here in a minute for sure." I said to him in a slight panic.

"Don't worry, the camera didn't see you, nothing will happen to you."

"But to you."

Yeonjun turned his head towards me and looked at me with mixed expressions. Suddenly, we heard a siren coming closer and closer to Yeonjun's car from behind. He quickly turned to the rearview mirror, which was on his side of the car, and looked through it.

"Shit." He cursed and, startled, turned off the light on the inside mirror.

He turned to me and put his left hand on my right shoulder as I was also facing him and pushed me and himself further into the seat so we wouldn't be seen by the police car. As he did so, his hand moved further up to the back of my neck and then remained there, quiet and warm.

Instead of doing the same and almost starting to cry from panic, he grinned to himself and enjoyed the adrenaline rush he felt as the police car passed us. His relieved gaze moved to me and he was now smiling at me with shining eyes.

I didn't know if it was a dangerous glow or one that made me feel safe. What I did know was that this smile made me feel oodles of happiness and I enjoyed it to the fullest.

His hand still remained where it was left and I could feel his warm thumb against my cheek. It felt like time was passing differently in the car. Just Yeonjun, me and the bag full of money, completely cut off from the fucked up world outside.

Even though I don't really know him, I think we have more in common than we know. Maybe he's not as bad of a guy as I thought, but the money in the back seat clearly denied that.

"Are you going to give the money back?"

He pondered playfully.

"No." He then answered shortly.

I sighed. I guess I can't change him then.

I sat up straight again, his hand abruptly detaching from my cheek as he did so, leaving a hot trail there. He sat up straight again as well and put his hands back on the wheel.

"Where do you live, I'll take you home."

"No thanks, I'd better go. If anyone sees you driving me home they'll think I'm actually your accomplice." I said and opened the car door.

"If you leave now, I can't answer any more of your questions." He argued. I sighed and after thinking for a long time (it was five seconds), I closed the car door again.

Chapter Text

[19. August 2022]

Yeonjun promised to answer my questions, but the thing was that I didn't ask any of my actual questions. For the last few days, I had only been searching for clear answers and I honestly didn't feel like having a stifling mood the whole car ride home.

Yeonjun hadn't minded either that my questions were about him rather than my ex-boyfriend. In fact, I'm very sure he preferred that too and also didn't feel like talking about the past. On the contrary, we enjoyed it so much that we drove through the streets in the car until sunrise and talked about everything.

After a while, I didn't explain to him the way to my house, because I was so engrossed in the conversation with him that I had completely put it aside. It must not have bothered him either, because he just drove on.

Because we had been on the road all night, I was completely exhausted and tired when he drove me home. I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep but I had to go to work at the café at 8am. So I just changed my clothes and tried to dress like I didn't look like a criminal.

When I arrived 30 minutes late, I saw Kai already standing at the counter, cleaning it with a rag. He looked up at me and greeted me cheerfully. He was wearing work clothes that looked like a sailor's costume with a matching headgear. His blond hair fell down his face and also like Yeonjun, he wore light red eye make-up.

I gave him a quick wave and smiled a little before quickly going to the dressing room and changing. I hoped that the boss hadn't noticed I was late and went straight to my work.

Some of the surrounding tables were dirty and there were still used dishes on them that had been left behind by the guests. I took a rag from behind the counter and went over to one of the tables.

I stacked the plates and bowls together and lifted them all up so I could wipe the table.

Forgetting that I hadn't slept last night and hadn't eaten in 12 hours, the strength in my hand wore off and all the dishes shattered on the floor. I just squinted my eyes and hoped that by chance only Kai had heard it, although I would be just as embarrassed.

I looked at the broken plates and bowls and knelt down to pick them up. With a loud bang, the back door opened and a horrified boss stood wide-eyed watching the spectacle.

"What have you done!" I squinted my eyes again, hoping to just disappear. I stood up, holding some shattered pieces in my hand, and looked apologetically over at the boss.

"Can't you do a simple job for once!? You've only been working here for three weeks and you're already causing trouble!" He scolded me, coming over to me.

"Here." He picked up some broken pieces.

"Look what you've done. Those dishes were expensive! Do you want me to make you pay for it?" He shook his hand around, which was full of broken dishes.

"Not only are you almost an hour late, now you're breaking dishes at random! That's sloppy work!" He shouted at me, getting louder and louder with each word. I just looked at my hands, which were also full of porcelain pieces.

I wanted to disappear, because my head was already switched off but my body was still in place. Kai had to listen to all this while he was mopping the floor behind me, so it was doubly embarrassing for me. And all this just so I could stay longer with the handsome criminal.

"Are you even listening to me!?" He asked me angrily. I raised my head and looked at him confused because I really hadn't been listening and saw him get even angrier when he noticed.

"How dare you show no respect to your boss!" He snapped at me.

"No respect for the ambience! None!" He said, pelting me with the china pieces. I was startled at the sudden attack and accidentally crushed the porcelain pieces in my hand.

Suddenly I caught sight of the boss being hit by a stick and noticed Kai holding it tightly in his hand. He looked angry and had broken the mop in two to use it as a bat.

After giving the boss a good smack, he dropped the end of the mop and grabbed my wrist. He pulled me out of the cafe and we both ran away. He ran in front, looking over his shoulder every now and then to see if I was still following him, and I was.

We ran on and on until we reached an empty car park where we came to a stop. Kai was standing several meters away from me, resting his hands on his knees. He was panting loudly and trying to get his pulse back under control.

I did the same and propped my hands on my hips. I looked up at the sky and prayed that the next few days wouldn't be as chaotic as the last two, because my body clearly couldn't take it.

Kai came back up from his stance and turned to me.

"Is everything okay?"

"Apart from the fact that I just lost my job, haven't eaten in 12 hours and didn't sleep last night either, I'm fine, yeah."

"I meant your hands." He said pointing to them while still panting a bit. I looked down and saw all the blood drowning my hands.

"Oh." I guess those porcelain parts were sharper than I thought.

He came over to me and took my hands in his and analyzed them. I flinched a little, since I didn't actually know him and he had just punched our boss, how was I supposed to know he wouldn't want to punch me too?

"You should get that looked at. I can take you to an emergency room if you want."

"No, it's fine." I sighed and took my hands back. It would be a bad time to ask him about the bracelet now, wouldn't it? As I did so, I noticed that he wasn't wearing the bracelet at all.

"I should have done this a lot sooner." They're all criminals, huh?

I looked at him in shock. He laughed out let his eyes wander around the parking lot.

"Ahh, why did I even come back? Wasn't even worth it for an hour's work."

"Where have you been?"

"Not here." He said reservedly. I guess these guys like to throw a question mark at everyone. At that, I remembered.

"Thanks. For getting me out of there."

"No big deal."

I hesitated a bit, wondering if I should just leave now or not.

"Well. I'll be going then." I just said, turning around a bit perplexed and leaving.

"Aren't you going to ask me about Sunoo?"

I stopped abruptly. How does he know?

"Taehyun told me that someone at the cafe where I also work at was trying to find out something and that someone wanted to talk with me about it." I squinted my eyes and cursed Taehyun for making this situation more uncomfortable now. I turned around.

"You don't have to tell me anything, I know you don't want to."

"I can only tell you what I know." He told me, smiling wryly. A friend group full of attractive guys, how unrealistic.

"Where's your bracelet?" He looked at his wrist.

"I always take it off at work." Makes sense.

"Do you like playing baseball? Because of your pendant?"

"No, I like beating people up with a baseball bat." I looked at him startled but he just grinned and started laughing right after.

"That was a joke. Did you really believe that?"

"After what you just pulled, yeah sure!" He laughed even louder. I really liked his laugh. Can he please laugh some more?

"No, I play baseball in my spare time and I took sick leave to go to a game." That explained his good hitting just now.

"Do you have questions about Sunoo as well or just me?"

"About Sunoo too." I said, but I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to find out the truth but it wasn't that his disappearance didn't bother me. Thinking about it gave me a sickening feeling and honestly I would like to avoid it.

But the fact that Sunoo disappeared without a word must have had a reason. And I am sure that these five guys know something they don't want to reveal.

Chapter Text

Kai and I sat on a curb, his legs stretched out long and mine cross-legged. I looked at my hands, which were full of abrasions and cuts. The blood that was on my hands before was now found on Kai's apron. I tried to move my hands as little as possible, as these wounds made me panic easily. Kai looked up at the sky and had his eyes closed, waiting for me to finally slay him with questions.

"So, you've already met Taehyun and Yeonjun, yeah?" He said, tilting his head forward.

"That's what I said."

"And they didn't give you any relevant information?"

"I mentioned that, yes."

"Hm."

"What 'hm'?"

"Ask me your questions." I pondered for a moment. This is the first time someone hasn't turned me down.

"Did you know what he was up to?"

"No."

"Could you think of any reason why he might have wanted to run away?" Kai pondered at that.

"I don't think he had any real reason. He just wanted to go where he could be happy."

"Do you think, when he got the chance to leave here, that he thought of saying goodbye?" I whispered, eyeing my hand. Kai inhaled sharply and rubbed his hands together as he hunched his shoulders.

"I think- I think he wanted to say goodbye but was afraid of saying goodbye."

The sun hung high in the sky and shone directly on my head. My eyes gazed riveted on my hands and I had already counted the cuts on them seven times.

"How long did you know each other?"

"The boys and I were friends from a young age. Then in high school we met Sunoo." He answered and went quiet.

I hoped he would answer my questions even if I didn't ask them because I preferred to just sit and listen. I had been trying to open my eyelids for several minutes, which took longer and longer to open after each blink. The sun was making my head spin and it seemed like it was burning through my head.

"The last time I saw him was six months ago. When we had a fight." I heard Kai say before my head landed on his shoulder.

"Hey, sleepyhead." Someone said.

I resisted waking up, because it seemed I had slept too little and also because the sun was shining directly on my face. Then, as I felt a shadow looming over me, I dared to open my eyes slightly.

Very slowly, a figure formed before me, kneeling in front of me. The person had tilted his head a little to protect my face from the sun and he looked at me with big, surprised and also curious eyes.

I blinked a few times and got a better picture of what was happening in front of me. Yeonjun was the person who had stood in front of me and called me 'sleepyhead'. At that moment I remembered that I had fallen asleep. And now I remembered when I had fallen asleep.

I lifted my head and looked to my left where Kai was still sitting in the same place before I fell asleep on his shoulder. I looked around in confusion, wondering what Yeonjun was doing here.

"What are you doing here, Yeonjun?"

"Saving Kai." He explained flatly. Kai laughed softly, he must have found this joke funny.

"I called him so he could take you home. After all, he has a car and knows where you live."

"How long was I asleep?"

"About two hours."

"Two hours!? And you lasted that long?"

"Well you said you didn't sleep last night, so I thought you could use it." He's trying to compensate for something with his niceness after all.

Yeonjun, meanwhile, picked himself up and spoke to Kai, "You'll have sat through a lot, my friend." and held out his hand.

Hueningkai took it and was pulled up from his uncomfortable position.

"Ow, that hurts like a son of a bitch." He groaned to himself, rubbing his bottom.

I stood up as well and propped myself up with my hands to help me get more momentum, which I should rather not have done. I hissed softly and quickly looked down at my hands only to quickly shake them off and hide them slightly.

"You can get in the car if you want, it's back there." Yeonjun said, pointing to his car, which was also the only one visible in the parking lot. My eyes wandered from Yeonjun's car to Kai, looking at him somewhat apologetically.

"Don't make a big deal about it, my ass will survive." He laughed.

"Why are you all so modest?" I whispered to myself and walked in the direction where the gray car was parked.

I opened the car door and got in. I looked over at the two boys and watched them still talking to each other. After a while they said goodbye with a handshake and Yeonjun jogged over to his car. He started the engine and drove out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

"You didn't have to take me home." He said.

"You fell asleep during a conversation, you would never have made it home on your own."

I propped my arm against the car door and used it as a pillow substitute for my head. The silence was getting louder and louder and I didn't know if I found it pleasant or the opposite.

"You could have said you wanted to go home last night."

"I wanted to stay with you though."

In the corner of my eye I saw him look over at me. He only had one hand on the wheel, the other was propped against the car door. The whole drive was silent and it didn't bother me. It felt like it was silent for the first time in a while.

Yeonjun parked on the side of the road in front of my flat and turned off the engine of his car. We both got out and Yeonjun walked over to the boot of his car and opened it. I slowly walked over to him to see what he was doing.

He took out a small white box, opened it and rummaged around in it. He took a bandage in his hand and grabbed one of my hands. I made no effort to resist and let him do what he wanted to do. With a serious face and completely absorbed in his action, he bandaged my right hand. His movements were gentle and easy as if he had done it many times before.

"At least the car has a first aid kit." I tried to break the silence.

"Has been expired for three years." He said intently. I started to laugh. He looked up from his work and looked at me with widened eyes.

"Do you actually find everything funny?"

"I was just trying to talk up your car." I laughed. He grinned and turned back to his activity.

After bandaging my other hand as well, he put the rest of the bandage back in the first aid kit and closed the boot. He propped himself up against the car and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Found out anything new?" He asked me.

"Not much."

He narrowed his eyes. I looked down at my bandaged hands.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." I don't think it can get any weirder than that.

"Well, I'll see you then." I said, walking to my front door.

"Yeah. See you."

Chapter Text

[22. August 2022]

The cashier handed me the fries I had ordered and wished me a good day.

"Thanks, you too." Was all I said, hoping deeply he was telling the truth.

I walked out onto the promenade and took a bite of my fries. I looked around the area and saw a bunch of people all walking down the pavement. Some were standing at bar tables talking about the most trivial things, others were cycling along the promenade and some were lying on the beach, enjoying the sun.

I joined the people walking along the path and looked in the direction of the skatepark. We didn't meet up particularly but maybe we could meet by chance. To my astonishment, Taehyun was really there, riding along on his skateboard. He rode up a ramp and slapped the hand of a boy, probably his age. The boy smiled at him and laughed a little. Taehyun also smiled a little, which was new to me.

I ate my fries calmly and watched the two of them having their fun. Taehyun drove straight ahead, enjoying the moment, when he looked in my direction and caught sight of me. His eyes lit up even more and he waved at me.

"Evolet!" Now the boy looked over at me too.

I walked with quick steps to the entrance of the skatepark, careful not to drop my fries. Taehyun came up the ramp smiling and holding his board in his left hand.

"I didn't know you were around here too." He said cheerfully.

"Come, I'll introduce you to Soobin."

Taehyun walked in the direction Soobin was sitting and I followed him like a second shadow. When we were only a few meters away from him, Soobin picked himself up and patted his trousers with his hands clean.

He was taller than I thought. He had black hair and a face that reminded me of a bunny. His eyes, however, radiated a rather adult, masculine effect. With that face, he had the ability to exude a sweet as well as a cool charisma.

"Soobin, this is Evolet. Evolet, this is Soobin." Taehyun introduced us. Soobin smiled shyly at me and hesitantly held out his hand. I wiped my hand on my pants clean, the same one I had just used to eat my fries with, and took his hand and shook it. I concentrated on putting enough pressure on my hand and looking friendly at the same time.

"You're not one for shaking hands, are you?" He caught me.

"Not really." I said with a smile to hide my discomfort.

"What happened to your hands?" Taehyun asked me curiously, pointing at my bandage-wrapped hands.

"Oh, that. It's nothing." I whispered. Taehyun hesitated a little.

"Okay, I'll let you two have at it then. You wanted to talk to him anyway." Taehyun informed us and disappeared rolling away on his skateboard. Soobin looked at me with wide eyes and had his mouth slightly open in surprise.

"Oh, you wanted to talk to me?" He asked. I frowned.

"Yes, but I didn't want to rush it like that." Mostly, the rushed approach didn't work anyway. Soobin nodded his understanding and turned his body in the direction where Taehyun was and then back to me.

"We could meet privately sometime and talk about it then if you want." I nodded and took another fry.

We sat down in front of the ramp and dangled our legs down. We watched as Taehyun tried to hold his board as he rode, but he was having trouble because his right arm was still sprained.

"I told him not to try jumps he hasn't done yet, but once again he didn't listen to me." Soobin complained. I laughed softly.

"Can you skateboard too?"

"I skate once in a while." He said, scratching the back of his head.

Taehyun skated up to a crowd of youths, smoothly running off his board and catching it with his left hand. He mingled and started several conversations at once. One group over, the bouncer became aware of Soobin and me and called out:

"Hey, either you're using the park for skateboarding or you're taking a fly."

Soobin stared wide-eyed at the bouncer, then at me, then back at the bouncer. I, meanwhile, finished my fries. When I finished eating, I put the empty paper plate next to me and stood up.

"If you can skateboard, teach me." I said to Soobin, who was still sitting. He stood up as well and said "All right." and slid down the ramp to get to the middle of the park.

I did the same as Soobin, albeit a bit bumpier, and we both made our way towards Taehyun. Since he was the only one of us with a skateboard, we had to get his' to avoid getting kicked out. Taehyun had been watching all the action and put his board on the ground and then pushed it towards us with enough momentum. Soobin stopped the board with his foot and looked at me.

"Ladies First." He pointed at the board with both hands and smiled at me with a big grin.

I looked at the board. It looked steady so I took a step on it. The board gave way and rolled forward.

It is definitely not steady. Not at all.

Soobin supported my back with his right hand and I clung to his left arm.

"Careful."

"I'm trying." I whispered. He smiled again.

I got off the board and turned towards Soobin so that the skateboard was between us. I tried again and quickly got both feet on the board. I clung to Soobin's arms as fast as I could and stared at the board. Soobin must have found the situation hilarious, because he just wouldn't stop smiling and was definitely laughing at me too.

"You're a real spider monkey, you know that?" He said, amused.

"Teach me how to stand on this thing properly and we'll be done with it."

"Your wish will be granted." He spoke and his broad smile made his eyes disappear.

After standing on the board worked out to some extent, Soobin tried to show me how to move around. But since I already had problems standing on the board, I could already guess that this wouldn't go so smoothly either.

Instead, Soobin simply led me around while I stood on the board and stared at my feet. After a while I got used to the shaky ground I was on and enjoyed the ride through the skatepark.

Gradually I took my eyes off my feet and looked at Soobin's hands. They are very large and they held my forearms tightly. Not that crushed clasping but rather that soft, warm clasping like a hug when someone comforts you.

Soobin walked backwards, but never looked back to see if he was about to run into someone. He just kept looking at me and smiled all the time. Looking at him made me happy.

The wind that came up when I moved, made Soobin's hair fly around gently as if everything was in slow motion. What I also noticed was that when he smiled, dimples formed on his cheeks. I guess that was part of his sweet charisma.

"Are you trying to compensate for your anxiety or are you really having fun right now?" He laughed and that was the moment I noticed that I also had a big smile on my face.

I brought the corner of my mouth back to normal and massaged my cheeks with my left hand. Soobin laughed at this action and turned around so he could look ahead. He still held me by my right arm and pulled me faster along the large square. Every now and then he turned to me and smiled at me, which made me feel like I wasn't out of place every time. Soobin was really good at taking away people's fear. He was like a good luck charm that you always need around you. A good luck charm I needed.

Chapter Text

A black car passed me and overtook a cyclist who was going straight several meters in front of me. I walked along the footpath in a housing estate and looked at the message I got.

Wednesday at 6 pm then. :)

We agreed to meet to talk about Sunoo, even though I haven't told him about that yet. Apart from Kai, I didn't receive any relevant information from the others about Sunoo's disappearance. What I did get, however, were new questions that I could then ask Soobin.

What were they arguing about six months ago? Was it something to do with the fact that they all wanted to leave together? I looked at the footpath and frowned. Why does it all have to be so complicated?

Suddenly, I heard a loud crash and I looked up, startled. The cyclist who had just been riding quickly along the road was now lying hunched over on the ground next to his bike. His bike was overturned in front of him, one of the wheels spinning even more and his handlebars totally displaced.

The boy turned around so that his back was on the floor and covered his face with his left arm. His left leg was casually bent and his chest was rising and falling rapidly. The guy was lying there now and made no effort to get up again in the near future.

Perplexed, I started walking towards him, not even looking left or right as I crossed the road, as the black car was the only one driving on the road anyway.

"Are you all right?" I asked him when I reached the boy.

There was a slight panic in my eyes and I didn't know what to do in this situation.

But instead of getting an answer, I only heard him laugh out loud. His arm covered half his face, but I could see several abrasions on his face, all bleeding heavily. I looked at the scene of the accident, the bicycle which had one wheel still spinning slightly, and the injured man who, apart from the abrasions to his face and hands, had probably suffered no other damage.

His loud laughter had a hint of pain and irony in it. He was probably laughing because of the great luck he had. In his place, I would have probably laughed too, though not so loudly and hysterically.

"Hey, are you okay? You're bleeding." I stammered again.

He tried to control his laughter and sighed, "Nothing is okay at all."

I eyed the injured man again.

"How- how about you stand up for now?"

"I don't need your help." He smiled cynically.

"You'd better clean your wounds or something." I tried again.

The boy took his arm from his face and turned to the side to prop himself up with both arms and scramble up.

Meanwhile, he groaned, "I said I didn't need your help." and then stood upright in front of me.

He was a head taller than me and had a black wolf cut with blond highlights. His face was very handsome despite all the abrasions and blood.

"You'd better watch your driving." I argued. He abruptly grabbed my bandaged hand and held it in front of my face.

"That's what the right one says."

"You have no idea."

"Neither do you." He hissed, releasing my hand with force. He turned away from me and walked to his bike. He grabbed it by the handlebars and pulled the bike up. I watched him bend the handlebars of his bike straight again with force, trying not to tear it off completely.

My phone suddenly vibrated. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked to see who was calling me. A number I didn't know. I answered it and thought of the best way to get the boy to help me in the meanwhile.

"Hello, who is this?"

"It's Yeonjun, the criminal you promised not to snitch on." How did he get my number?

I heard the boy kicking his bike and swearing in the background.

"What do you want, Yeonjun?" The boy looked in my direction.

"I want to see you." I gulped.

"Okay." I quickly exchanged glances with the boy who looked at me with a furrowed brow. I then quickly averted my gaze from him.

"And when?" I stammered, perplexed.

"Tonight."

"And what time exactly?"

"Seven in the evening." I felt a tingle in my chest.

"Okay."

"Cool, see you." And then he just hung up. I exhaled loudly and stashed my phone back in my back pocket.

"You know Yeonjun?" The boy who had just taken out his tantrum on his bike asked me.

"Why do you care?" I asked with the same attitude he had just given me. He fell silent.

I sighed and put on a gentle expression. He held his bike by its saddle with his left hand and looked at me a little apologetically, or at least it looked liked that.

"You-" I said quietly.

"You're Beomgyu, right?" I said a little louder now. He nodded silently.

"And you?" He asked, pointing slightly at me.

"Evolet." I cleared my throat.

"Can I help you now, please? Because according to the law, I'm obliged to be a first aider." I argued additionally.

"If you insist." He said, turning to his bike.

He pushed it in the direction he had been heading before he fell and started walking. It took me a few seconds to realize that I should come with him and I ran to him. We walked side by side, his bike between us, saying nothing. I caught a glimpse of his wrists and saw no bracelet.

"How do you know Yeonjun?"

"I caught him stealing money." Beomgyu started laughing.

"Oh, that was you?" And continued laughing.

"That guy is always doing stuff like that."

"So he's stolen something before?"

"Not exactly." He said, amused.

"He was lucky again with the chunk of money. It just so happens that the camera that picked him up was broken and all the footage from the last two days wasn't there." He laughed again.

"But wouldn't the bank still find a way to catch the culprit?"

"This bank has always been unreliable. I mean who would leave a whole bag of money just like that?" I frowned.

"Yeonjun is a real lucky guy in this matter. He must have realized that, too, which is why he often messes up like this." Beomgyu found this whole situation hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. His laughter was very loud and full. It made me laugh too, because if you thought about it, it was really hilarious.

We arrived at a small, wealthy house that was not at all like Beomgyu's image. On the way to his house, I told Beomgyu everything that had happened in the last few days and when and how I met each of his friends. I did not, however, mention my relationship with Sunoo or any other topics that revolved around him.

He pushed his bike against the wall of the house and didn't bother to lock it, let alone give it a second glance. He walked over to the front door and climbed the three steps to the door with long strides.

I followed him cautiously and watched him as he smoothly opened his front door. After he did so, he walked through and I followed him every step of the way. He headed straight for the stairs and made no effort to greet anyone, although you could hear that there was definitely someone in the kitchen. I just followed him without saying anything and walked with him down the small hall to his room. He tossed the front door key on his untidy desk and threw himself on his bed.

His room was full of CDs and records and the walls were covered with various posters of Metallica, ACDC and other rock bands and singers. Just to the right of the door were several guitars with a small amplifier.

I glanced back at his desk and looked at all his equipment. From a PC to a recording microphone, there was everything that he surely used for producing music. On his monitor I saw that he had just filmed a livestream. Above his monitor on the wall were several pictures of Beomgyu and the other boys laughing together. In the pictures I could also see Sunoo smiling just as broadly as the others. The twinge in my chest slowly spread.

I walked further into the room and accidentally stepped on a broken CD player. I carefully lifted my foot off the CD player and took a closer look at the floor, where countless broken things lay. I spotted a broken amplifier, overturned shelves, random CDs lying around and a blue guitar right in front of me.

"What happened here?" I asked Beomgyu, still exploring his floor. He, however, ignored me and turned on his stereo.

"You were going to give me first aid. You'll find a red box in the bathroom, it has our bandages and plasters in it." He said without looking up from his phone. Loud music came out of the stereo, which I claimed was ACDC.

I watched Beomgyu for a little while longer, waiting to see if he would answer my question. When he didn't, I turned around and walked out of his room.

Directly opposite was the bathroom he had mentioned. I went in and looked around. The bathroom was clean and tidy, the complete opposite of Beomgyu's room. I looked for the red box that Beomgyu mentioned and found it directly under the sink to my right.

I took the box out from under the sink and tucked it under my arm. As I continued to examine the bathroom, I found neatly folded towels and flannels, one of which I took. At the same time, I opened the tap and held the flannel under the running water. I wrung out the cloth with one hand and then went back to Beomgyu with them and the red box.

He was still sitting on his bed, but he was no longer busy with his phone but playing one of his guitars. He stroked the strings with his fingers and played random melodies. I wondered if his injuries to his hands and face bothered him at all.

Did he had such injuries before and it didn't bother him or was there something worse than such wounds?

Chapter Text

I walked carefully to Beomgyu's bed, trying not to step on any broken items. When I got to him, I sat down next to him and placed the first aid kit between us. Beomgyu was still looking down at his guitar, trying to find the right note for the melody he was composing. I waited a bit, but quickly noticed that he made no move to turn away from his guitar.

I cleared my throat loudly, not daring to give him instructions and hoping that I could be heard at all over the loud music. Without looking me in the eye, Beomgyu put his guitar aside and only then looked at my face.

I still stared at him, waiting and then slightly raised my hand in which I held the wet rag. He said nothing and just leaned forward a little with his upper body so that I could reach his face better. I brought the rag to his face and started wiping the half-dried bloodstains.

"Ow, that hurts." He hissed, recoiling.

"Either let me do it now or not." I hissed back, my hand with the rag still in the air. He looked at me a little more sullenly, but then leaned towards me again. I turned back to my activity and took my right hand for additional support and placed it on Beomgyu's chin.

"Do you fancy me?"

"What!?" I asked him loudly, perplexed.

"This closeness is very suspicious. I'm just saying."

"Beomgyu, to clean your wounds I need to get to them." I explained to him.

"What are you, 12?" I whispered quietly after him.

"I guess I better not, you probably only have eyes for Yeonjun." I abruptly dropped my hands in my lap and looked away, annoyed.

"What do you want from me anyway, Beomgyu?"

"Your number." I choked slightly. This boy.

"I was joking."

"I know."

"Then why are you looking like that?" I exhaled loudly.

Beomgyu opened the red box while I considered whether I should just leave again, and took out a pack of plasters. They were children's plasters with different designs on them. One by one, Beomgyu took plasters out of the box and stuck them randomly on his hands to treat his wounds. His hands looked a mess afterwards but he didn't seem to mind. He held the package of plasters out to me and looked at me with wide eyes expectantly.

"I can't find the abrasions on my face." He reasoned, still waiting for me to accept the package. I sighed and reached for the package.

I took out a blue plaster (with dinosaur motifs) and carefully stuck it on his left cheek. In my line of sight, I caught another picture, which was on the windowsill behind Beomgyu's bed. Beomgyu was putting Sunoo in a headlock and was laughing happily into the camera. Sunoo, on the other hand, looked at the floor and tried to pull away from Beomgyu, but had a smile on his face as well.

"Did you two get along well?"

Beomgyu followed my gaze and looked at the picture. He turned his head around again and hesitantly put all the things back into the red box. I watched him meanwhile.

"Kinda." He then said.

"I mean he got along best with Yeonjun but we all know that." Beomgyu spoke, breathing in loudly and leaning back a little.

"Why is that?"

"They had the same views and dreams or something. Anyway, they had similar reasons for leaving here."

"What were their reasons?" Beomgyu pondered how best to phrase it.

"Well, Yeonjun had no real reason to leave here. He said as long as he's with us, he'll come anywhere with us." He pouted a little.

"And if he gets away from his parents that's good too, he said." While Beomgyu was telling me all this, he was playing around with the handle of the red box.

"If you all wanted to run away for a reason, what was yours?" Beomgyu raised his head, beaming.

"I want to be a guitarist! And write songs! Maybe one day I'll play in a band or write songs for one." He told me happily.

I looked at him with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I was happy that he knows exactly what he wants to do (which I can't say about myself), but on the other hand, I felt sorry that he couldn't fulfill his dream yet. They all wanted to fulfill their dreams together but that didn't happen for whatever reason.

"And what about Sun-" A door slamming open interrupted me.

"Turn that damn music down!" A man hissed, who must have been Beomgyu's father. But Beomgyu ignored him and continued to fiddle with the handle of the box.

"And who is that girl there? Are you even listening to me?" I looked back and forth, startled, not knowing what to do. When Beomgyu still didn't move and remained silent, Beomgyu's father walked over to his stereo and jerked the plug out. The whole room filled with silence and Beomgyu looked angrily at his father.

"Didn't I tell you clearly this morning to turn down your deafening music? And how do you look anyway? I didn't raise you like this!"

"You don't give a shit anyway." Beomgyu whispered to himself.

"What did you say?" His father hissed, taking large and quick steps towards Beomgyu and tugging him up by the arm. He grabbed him by the collar and scolded him.

"If you talk to me like that again, I'll throw all your crap away, friend. Maybe then you'll think about doing a real job and not your pathetic music career!" He hissed, shaking Beomgyu like crazy. He, however, looked at him annoyed and unconcerned and let his father do what he wanted with him. His father let him go at that and then suddenly pointed at me.

"And the girl will leave right now!" He ordered and turned to walk out of the room.

"No she won't." Beomgyu objected without looking at his father. Beomgyu's father slowly turned back around and looked even angrier than before which scared me a little.

"There will be consequences, friend." He admonished Beomgyu and walked towards the door. Just like me just now, he stepped on broken items only the difference was that he did it on purpose.

"And clean up your damn room, Beomgyu!" When his father was gone, Beomgyu was still standing in front of me, clenching his plastered hands into fists. My pulse was just starting to calm down again which is why it was quiet for a few minutes and no one said anything.

"Maybe I'd better go." I breathed softly up to Beomgyu, who was still standing there.

"No, it's alright. He has nothing against you."

"I know that." I declared. He sat down next to me again, but was still looking in the same direction his father was standing just now.

"I just meant so it wouldn't get worse if I stayed."

"Whether you leave now or later, it won't change the situation." He raised his left hand to his face and wiped something away. Silence fell again and I considered what to do while Beomgyu covered his face with his right hand.

"Do the others know about your father?" I asked him, still hesitating a little because I didn't quite know if I should ask that. He just nodded in reply.

"Well, and Sunoo... and you too now." He added. I exhaled heavily.

"Sunoo... Must have been there for you a lot when you needed someone like him, right?" I asked slowly and quietly.

I heard a soft sob coming from Beomgyu's direction. Then I noticed that it was Beomgyu who was crying. Beomgyu turned his head towards me and looked at me with tear-filled eyes.

The pain in his gaze slowly spread throughout the room and it felt like I was being pulled into the pain. When Beomgyu cried, he looked like he was almost smiling, which is quite ironic when you think about it.

I had the urge to wipe away his tears but I thought that would be inappropriate, especially since we had only known each other for a few hours. So I just sat there and watched Beomgyu continue to cry, feeling more uncomfortable with each sob.

I felt the need to be there for Beomgyu now that Sunoo was gone, but I knew very well that I couldn't.

Chapter Text

It was 6:50 pm and I was standing outside my front door in the dark. After I got to Beomgyu, he took me to a bus stop nearby and I took a bus home. After thinking about it for a while, I decided not to change and just come as I looked now.

I mean it was just a normal date with a person who has such soft lips that I would like to touch them to see if they felt the same as they looked.

When I got home I changed my clothes because my head was full of him and it made me nervous. And my nervousness made me put on a black summer dress, even though I was uncomfortable in dresses and I wondered why I even owned dresses at all.

I tugged at the skirt of my dress and didn't know how to stand because again I hadn't thought to bring a bag or anything.

It was 7:05 pm and I thought about going upstairs again and putting on something else. I also thought about going to the toilet again and taking a bag, even though I didn't have anything to put in it. I made a list of things I could do if I made another quick dash upstairs, but this list was never completed because at that moment a familiar car parked in front of me.

Yeonjun got out of his car, turned around and propped himself up on its roof.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

"You're late." I said to hide my nervousness. He looked around a little thoughtfully and then said "You're right, but I don't gawk at pretty people for that."

"Did you just call yourself 'pretty'?" I asked and a small smile formed on his face.

"Yes I did and now get in the car, Evie." 'Evie', that's a new one.

I didn't dare walk to his car out of fear of accidentally tripping as my legs felt like jello and I had forgotten how to behave around other people.

After I had got myself sorted out, I went to the passenger door and pulled it open with all my strength, because to my horror I found out that my hands felt like jelly just like my legs did.

I crawled into the passenger seat of his car and tried to pull the fabric of my dress over my knees. Yeonjun also got into his car and started the engine.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see." Of course he was going to say that.

I looked out the window and at the streetlights that looked like stars only very close.

"Don't fall through the window." Yeonjun said suddenly and I quickly sat back in the seat.

"What have you been up to today?" He asked me, looking further down the road.

"I went to Taehyun's and met Soobin."

"Soobin!" He cheered with a grin.

"And when I went home I met Beomgyu."

"By chance?" I nodded.

"I didn't know it was Beomgyu at first but when you called he heard me say your name."

"Hmm." He just said. Then there was silence for a short while.

"And what did he say about Sunoo?"

"How did you know-"

"Come on I know you run up to everyone and slay them with questions. You're not as inscrutable as you think you are." He interrupted me.

"Is that so?" I asked him, looking over at him. Yeonjun looked over at me the same way and grinned at me. My heart fluttered.

It was already dark and the moon hung directly overhead, shining down brilliantly.

"So, we're here." Yeonjun announced and I looked through the windscreen in confusion.

The car's headlights illuminated a large square. Wild plants sprouted haphazardly from the ground and there were piles of stones and concrete in several places. The large square was in the middle of abandoned buildings, all of which were run down. Between the buildings were forests of fir trees moving in the light wind.

"What is this place?"

"An old swimming pool that went bankrupt at some point." He enlightened me.

Yeonjun got out of his car and I did the same. He wandered in the direction of a large building which was further to the right of his car. I stopped a little hesitantly, but then followed him so as not to be alone in the dark. The headlights of the car were still shining, probably to illuminate the square, because without the light we wouldn't see anything.

Yeonjun walked calmly ahead and seemed to know exactly where he wanted to go. My guess was that Yeonjun had been here before, but maybe this is new to him too and he's just not as uptight as me.

The closer we got to the building, the more I could see how run down it was. This swimming pool must not have been visited for a long time because many windows were smashed and there was graffiti all over the walls. Graffitis of all different colors and sizes adorned the front stone wall and were surrounded by wild plants sticking out from the ground. The windows, which were still intact, had a slight yellow tinge and one could only partially see through them properly.

Yeonjun walked over to a window whose panes were completely smashed and only small splinters were still clinging to the frame. The window was about one meter above the ground and one had to climb up the concrete wall to get through the window.

Yeonjun jumped up the wall with light feet and held onto the frame of the window with his hands, then pulled himself up with enough momentum. His movements all looked easy to manage, perhaps because he is around 1.80 meters tall.

When it was my turn, I put my hands on the lower side of the window frame, building up momentum and then pulling myself up with the rest of my body. My knees then rested on the raised floor of the building and I rubbed the dirt off my hands (rather my bandages) before standing up. Looking up, I saw Yeonjun holding out his hand for me to take. I did so and as I pulled myself up, he took his other hand and supported my right arm.

After we were both standing, he gently and carefully let go of my hands and I felt goosebumps appear in the places where he had touched me. He turned his back to me and searched for something while I also wiped the dirt off my knees. When Yeonjun found what he was looking for, he ran over to what he had found and knelt down in front of it.

A few seconds later, the large hall was filled with countless lights and I could only hear Yeonjun laughing joyfully. All along the walls were strings of lights that made the whole room shine.

The most diverse sources of light stretched along the walls and across the entire room like an explosion of stars. Looking more closely at the hall, I saw a huge pool in the middle of the room. The basin was not filled with water, but there was a smaller, round basin set up in it. The smaller pool was filled with water instead of the large pool it was in.

Behind the pool were two construction racks, which were probably used to get into the pool more easily. This whole hall was like an escape from the outside world and I could imagine Yeonjun coming here often.

"What is this place?" I asked, marveling at the huge retreat.

"My man cave." He replied and I looked over at him in disgust. He had his hands propped on his hips and was smiling brightly at me with his teeth showing.

"I was joking." He explained, laughing to himself. I smiled a little and went back to looking at the lights. Yeonjun exhaled audibly and walked forward to the edge of the large pool from where he jumped down lightly.

"Come on, Evie!" He called me, and I still couldn't get my head around the fact that he had given me a nickname.

My feet took me to a ladder, which I then climbed down to get into the big pool. Yeonjun ran over to the smaller basin and dipped his hand under the water to measure the temperature. Then he went over to the construction racks behind the pool and climbed up one of them.

When he was standing on the rack, he looked over at me and said "I wanted to show you this." and raised his arms presentingly. I smiled broadly and regarded Yeonjun intently.

"You're staring again." He remarked and I quickly looked away. I cleared my throat and walked over to the pool. I looked down into the water and saw myself in the reflection. I had tied my hair up in a half braid, as I usually did.

"Don't you have the guts to go in?" I looked up at him. While regarding at him in confusion, I lightly touched the water with my hand. I screwed up my face and quickly took my hand out.

"No, it's freezing!" Yeonjun grinned in amusement.

"Ok ok, I'll turn on the water heater." He laughed and jumped down from the rack again.

While he fiddled around behind the pool and turned on the water heater, I looked back at the dark water in front of me. I was pretty sure Yeonjun was laughing at me most of the time, because I wasn't nearly as composed and skilled of a person as he was.

And if the first big mistake today was putting on a dress, then what I wanted to do next was the second big mistake.

With some concentration, I climbed over the pool barrier and stepped into the freezing water. I screwed up my face and turned away from Yeonjun so he wouldn't have to look at my pained face if he suddenly looked up again. I clung to the edge of the pool, trying to get used to the coldness of the water, but it only worked if I stood completely still.

"It should work now." He announced and came back up from his crouched position.

He turned to me and spotted me already standing in the water. I stood in the middle of the pool and let my hands slide on the water. Yeonjun looked at me, first in surprise and then with a wide grin.

"Couldn't wait or did you just want to prove something to me?" Damn, he got me. I looked down, caught, still trying in vain not to let it show.

"Who's the one standing in the water here?" I whispered back softly. His smile disappeared from his face and he came over to the pool. He passed between the racks and climbed smoothly over the edge of the pool without once breaking eye contact with me.

When he was also in the pool, he took a few more steps in my direction until he stopped 40 cm in front of me. He was still looking at me with that expressionless look and actually, I wanted to look into his eyes forever. They were so sharp and soft at the same time.

We were now both standing in cold water that went up to my hips and our clothes were half wet. We didn't move a bit, he looked at me and I looked at him because he did. My hands sank into the water and I forgot how cold the water was supposed to be. The water heater did its job and the water in the pool slowly got warm.

"You always seem so confident, but you're actually not, are you?" He said with a grin, and then bit his lower lip. I just kept looking at him and said nothing. I wanted to know what else he had to say.

"Why are you so desperate to know what I'm really like?"

"Because I want to know who I'm half in the water with right now." He replied. I said nothing again and just looked at the water that was slowly swallowing us up.

"Then tell me something about yourself first. As far as I know you have a car that you seem to drive around all day, four friends who are all unusually good looking and parents who fight every day." I stopped talking abruptly, regretting what I had said last. He looked at me a little annoyed and his expression wanted me to know that I definitely shouldn't know that.

"Did Beomgyu tell you that?"

"He had mentioned it briefly once." I just breathed, looking down in shame. Yeonjun just sighed lightly.

"Okay, so that's more stuff you know about me than I know about you. What about your parents? Do they live around here?" I shook my head.

"They don't live here."

"Then where?"

"In a small town a few hours from here."

"Do you get along well?"

"Yes, but I was happy when I had the opportunity to live on my own."

"And then you move so far away from them?"

"Wouldn't you too?" He got quiet and stopped asking questions about it.

"Okay." He said refreshingly.

"Surely you have friends too."

"Sure, but they don't live here either."

"Why are you moving to a town where you don't know anyone?" I looked up at him and thought.

"Well, I can make friends here." I argued.

"Taehyun seems to like me. And Soobin... too, I think." He squinted his eyes.

"Yeah, Taehyun's making friends fast."

Now Yeonjun was the one slaying me with questions and despite asking so many, Yeonjun still looked at me like he couldn't see through me. After a brief pause for thought, he then asked me:

"How did you meet Sunoo?"

Even though Yeonjun didn't like talking about Sunoo and he asked this question with an uneasy undertone, he still wanted to know. I can't blame him for that, since he was the reason I had approached Yeonjun at the cafe a week ago.

"I don't know. I can't remember it."

"You can't remember?" He asked incredulously. I looked dejected at his chest.

"Well, it wasn't anything spectacular. It just happened." I added quietly.

"Wow. That must have been an exciting relationship." He said sarcastically. But I didn't say anything back and just remained silent. Yeonjun noticed how uncomfortable I felt and dropped the subject.

I had been standing in the pool for so long that I no longer noticed that I was surrounded by water. Instead, I memorized every little detail I could find on Yeonjun.

He usually wore a tank top and always looked so cool with it and his hair shimmered in the surge of lights and his eyes just sparkled at me serenely and when I stare at his full lips I get all woozy. I'd like to tell him at length how attractive he was, just so I don't have to feel that continuous explosion in my chest.

I groped sheepishly at my dress, making sure I didn't accidentally reveal anything. Yeonjun followed my gaze to the dress and lifted his right hand out to point.

"Do you actually wear dresses often? The way you act, it doesn't seem like it." He said, somewhat amused.

"Ha, ha, really funny. Making fun of me, huh?" I joked playfully, continuing to tug at the damn dress. I looked around sheepishly, glanced behind me once and turned back to him without stopping the tugging.

"I was nervous and took the first thing that caught my eye." I whispered, avoiding eye contact with him. Yeonjun just laughed and his eyes formed into crescent moons.

"If you're so uncomfortable with that, why are you wearing a dress?"

"Why don't you wear a dress?"

"Do you want me to wear one?" He replied without hesitation and grinned expectantly. I swallowed and had to be careful not to drop my jaw. The guy was getting hotter by the second and I didn't know how to handle it.

"Do-" I cleared my throat.

"Do you have any dresses?"

"No, but I have some skirts lying around somewhere." He mentioned musingly. My hands were getting sweaty. I looked at the distance that lay between us and noticed that he had shrunk by 10 cm and I wondered from what point he had come closer. Or was it me who had moved forward?

The water was still just like everything else around us. My hands were submerged under the water again, enjoying the warmth that felt like being snuggled under a blanket. Yeonjun's hands were also submerged under the water and he looked at me gently and soulfully.

I felt his warm hand reaching for mine and holding it tenderly. Despite all the warmth I was getting, I felt goosebumps rise from my left arm and spread all over my body. I could feel every movement of his hand and as he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, a tingling sensation ran through my chest, making my happiness boil over.

It felt like my whole body was relaxing and shattering into a thousand pieces at the same time. As if my body couldn't decide how to react to this touch, pouring out all the good emotions at once.

Yeonjun took another step closer to hold my hand better and I grew hotter and hotter. My cheeks turned red and I put a little pressure on his hand to see how he reacted. I looked up at him and watched his expression turn into a small soft smile. I wanted to hold not only his hand but also his other hand, both hands at the same time and I wanted to hug him and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted so many things that I was overwhelmed just thinking about it.

Chapter Text

We were soaking wet in his car and had dried our clothes a bit with some towels Yeonjun had taken out of his boot.

"You really have everything in your boot: towels, expired first aid kits. No spare clothes, unfortunately." We both started laughing.

"I don't usually go swimming with my clothes either." He objected, continuing to laugh at the situation.

I watched him as I imagined him turning to me and kissing me and his hand was against my cheek and his lips were merging with mine and his other hand was slowly moving to my other cheek and he was kissing me even more soulfully and tenderly than before and we were both caught in an uninterrupted rhythm that would never stop.

I stopped thinking about it and looked ahead with a jerk. Yeonjun started the engine, grinning that sardonic grin again.

"You just can't leave it alone, can you?" I squinted my eyes and tried to shake off the embarrassment.

"God in heaven, put me out of my misery." I spoke playfully to the night sky and Yeonjun laughed out loud.

"I didn't know you were religious."

"I'm not. I just need faith to give me hope so I can get through these embarrassing moments."

"You're really honest with your thought processes." He remarked delightedly. I tried to be as honest as I could.

It was almost midnight, the streetlights lit our way and I was thinking hard about how to get myself to talk.

"Are your pants still wet?"

"Yes, very." He said with a smile. I looked back up at God.

"Well, if you want I can give you some dry clothes."

"I don't think I can fit into your clothes."

"They're Sunoo's old stuff."

"Oh. I see." Was all he added. We said nothing more after that.

I unlocked the door to my flat and quickly walked through. Yeonjun followed me slowly and calmly, looking around.

"Wait here, I'll get the clothes while you wait." I just said and quickly disappeared into my bedroom.

I opened the wardrobe and rummaged around on the top shelf for Sunoo's clothes.

When I found them, I brought them down to me and tucked them under my arm. I went back towards the living room, but first I looked in my bathroom, which was open.

Directly opposite the bathroom door was the washbasin, so I could easily look in the mirror. The open packet of dark blue hair dye was still lying around on the sink and on closer inspection I noticed how untidy the bathroom was. I quickly closed the bathroom door and went back to Yeonjun.

"Here." I handed Yeonjun the items and he accepted them with one hand.

"Thank you." He said with a sigh.

"Where can I change?" I pointed a little absentmindedly to the left towards my bedroom, not knowing where to look. I fervently hoped that he didn't open the bathroom door.

"Your flat is really... dull." Yeonjun called out to me from my bedroom. I continued to stand awkwardly around the living room, looking over at the locked bedroom door.

"Your car is dull."

"It's just a car."

"And it's just a flat." I countered weakly. I heard the clock ticking and it felt like he'd been busy changing clothes forever. Maybe he is a pervert after all and is looking at my wardrobe right now.

"A flat shouldn't look so dull."

"And you shouldn't look this good." I called after him stormily. My eyes widened and I squinted them again. I played with my hands nervously and looked towards the bedroom door in a panic. He's way too full of himself to just shut up now after what I blurted out.

"What did you just say?" I heard him ask as he opened the door. He grinned sardonically at me and I could see how much he enjoyed that compliment.

Yeonjun was wearing Sunoo's clothes and I felt my heart go empty. He was wearing a gray sweatshirt, which looked very good on him, and blue denim trousers. Yeonjun looked a lot like him now, which gave me a throbbing pain in my chest. I cleared my throat and stared at the wall behind him.

"Um..." I exhaled loudly.

"Do you want anything? Snacks or something to drink or something else?"

"Yes."

"Like what?"

"You." He replied, grinning. Heat rose in my cheeks and I couldn't keep up with Yeonjun.

"You hang out with Beomgyu too much." I sighed loudly as he had given just such an answer today too.

"No, Beomgyu hangs out with me too much." He corrected me.

I just turned around and went into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and searched it for something to drink. Meanwhile, Yeonjun continued to look around my living room.

"Maybe you just need some plants. For a little more...life or something."

"My last plants gave up their lives for God." I explained to him, taking two cans from the fridge.

I closed the fridge door and stood up straight again. I watched Yeonjun walk over to a shelf and look at the photos that were there in a picture frame. It were pictures of Sunoo that I took when he was distracted. Yeonjun paused for a moment at the pictures and looked at them. Then he turned away with an annoyed look and explored the rest of the room.

I interrupted my observations and went over to Yeonjun to give him one of the cans I was holding. He accepted it gratefully and opened it with only one hand. He then took a quick sip and meanwhile looked questioningly at my clothes.

"Don't you want to change too?" I looked down at myself, slightly startled, and saw my still wet dress on me.

"Oh. Fuck." I just cursed. Yeonjun gave a short amused laugh and then turned away from me and sat down on my sofa. He put an arm on the backrest and took another sip of his drink.

Meanwhile, I quickly went into my bedroom and closed the door behind me.

By the time I had changed I felt much more comfortable now that I was wearing trousers again. I stepped back into the living room and saw Yeonjun looking fixedly at the photos he had just turned away from in annoyance.

He seemed so obsessed with these pictures that I wondered how close his friendship with Sunoo was. I closed the door behind me but held the door handle a little longer. Yeonjun came back to his senses abruptly and fixed his gaze on me, smiling gently.

"Do you feel more comfortable now?" I nodded shyly.

I walked over to him and went to sit next to him on the sofa. Yeonjun took his arm off the backrest and sat a little further to the right. He propped both arms on his legs and held his can clasped in both hands. I sat down next to Yeonjun, slightly tense, and placed my hands folded on my legs.

"I don't want to talk about it." Was all he said, looking down at his can.

"Okay." I whispered and looked down at my hands. Yeonjun leaned back again so we were both snuggled up against the back of the sofa. We both stared at the photos on the shelf.

"He makes me angry." I remained silent.

"He lied to us, that asshole." He continued to stare at the pictures.

"First he says he can't come with us and then he takes off all by himself. That wimp couldn't even say goodbye to us. He's a selfish bastard who only thinks of himself. And I bought his innocent face, too." He laughed spitefully.

I looked over at him now and I could really feel his dislike for him. He was really angry with Sunoo. Yeonjun took his last sip from his can and then set it down on the table in front of us.

"I should go now." He then said and stood up.

I was still sitting on the sofa and looked up at him, caught off guard. Yeonjun walked past me and on to the front door. I stood up quickly and stared after him. He stopped at the front door and scratched the back of his head while looking at the door handle. Afterwards, he turned to me and tried not to look at me in annoyance.

"You should stop all this questioning. You're driving a lot of people crazy with it."

"I didn't ask you anything at all."

"But you wanted to do it." Was all he said, then disappeared through the door, leaving me alone with the wretched pictures.

Chapter Text

[24. August 2022]

It was Wednesday and I was lying sideways on my bed with the sun shining across my face. I felt my bed for my phone and when I found it, I used it as a shield against the sun. I opened Yeonjun's chat and read through the message I had written to him on Tuesday, immediately after he left.

You're right.

Your friendship is none of my business.

I'm sorry.

It was unread and Yeonjun hadn't been online since Monday. I thought about sending another message but decided against it.

I put my phone away again and pulled myself together. It was only an hour until I would meet Soobin and I had spent the whole day lying in bed. As much as I enjoyed the free time, I lacked structure during the day.

Since Kai had beaten the crap out of my boss, I was unemployed and slowly I should consider looking for a new job. Especially since I would soon run out of money, I should probably start as soon as possible.

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. After I had done my business there, I looked at my choice in the wardrobe. One thing I put out straight away was a pair of trousers. I definitely did not make the same mistake again. I then picked out the matching top and closed the wardrobe again.

I hopped with one leg to the living room table and looked at the clock on my phone. It was 5:30 pm and I was just putting on my shoes. When I finished lacing up my left shoe, I let it stomp on the floor and grabbed my phone. I walked through the front door and closed it behind me with quick movements so I could still catch my bus.

The bus was half full and I sat in a window seat further back in the bus. I looked at the message to Yeonjun again and it was still unread. I closed the chat and saw the song title playing on the display. 'Cigarette Daydreams by Cage The Elephant', I read out loud in my mind and turned the volume up to maximum to stop thinking about Yeonjun.

If I really listened to him I shouldn't be seeing Soobin, which is exactly why I wanted to see him. Will Soobin also be upset if I mention Sunoo? He doesn't seem the type to be angry at something like that.

The sun was turning the sky orange and was already disappearing behind some houses. I trotted across the street to the cafe where I was to meet Soobin and spotted him already sitting at a seat. I walked through the front door and saw Soobin digging into his fries before he looked over at me and smiled all over his face.

I returned his smile and went over to the table where he was sitting. I sat down on the chair opposite him.

"You're here pretty early."

"I came right after my lecture." Soobin poked at his fries again probably because he didn't know what to do with his hands.

"What are you studying?" I asked curiously, switching my gaze to him and his fries.

"Linguistics. Language science and stuff."

"Oh, wow. Do you want to work in media or something later on?" Soobin shook his head and furrowed his brow which looked pretty cute as he let his mouth pout so cutely at that.

"No, more along the lines of a writer."

"Ah! Choi Soobin's New York Times bestselling novels! I can see it now." I chuckled at that, finding the idea quite funny yet very realistic. Soobin laughed a little too, but still looked a little confused.

"Wait, how do you know my last name?"

"It's written on your bag." Soobin looked down at his beige bag in wonderment and then laughed in comprehension.

"You're really well prepared for university. You even have a name tag on your backpack in case it gets lost."

"If I lose it, I'm screwed. I'd rather play it safe."

Soobin and I talked some more about his studies and how university life is going for him.

"Yes, and right now we are dealing with phonetics. That means we are working on the grammar of certain sounds." I made a comprehensible sound and nodded understandingly.

"Now I feel a bit bad that I don't have a job to do at the moment." Soobin smiled in amusement and then waved his hands apologetically.

"You don't have to feel bad, really. One of my friends is currently job hunting again too, so I really don't judge on stuff like that."

"You mean like Kai?"

"Yeah, how do you know? Do you know each other?"

"Honestly, it's his fault that we both don't have jobs anymore." I began to tell him, describing what happened.

Soobin looked dumbfounded at the table across me, chewing his fries.

"Huh. Well that's definitely one way to quit your job. I haven't looked at our group chat the last few days, so I guess I missed that."

"You guys talk about me in group chats?"

"Well, I suppose. Is that bad?"

"It definitely explains why most of you had heard of me before and knew what I wanted from them." I looked down at my hands, slightly agitated, and tried not to let it show. That explained a lot.

"Since I haven't heard anything from the group chat the last few days, I don't know what you actually wanted to discuss with me. Taehyun brought it up on Monday." He looked at me with widened eyes, waiting for the topic of conversation.

"So the reason I wanted to meet with you was..." I gathered my thoughts. "...because of Sunoo." I waited for an extreme reaction to this topic but none came.

"Oh yeah sure, what do you want to know?" He asked politely, ready to answer my questions. I looked at him a little warily and when he smiled at me, still reassured, I knew he was perfectly fine with it.

I laughed with relief and said "You are really the only one, with the exception of Kai, who seems quite calm on the subject."

"Everyone deals with it differently. In my case, I guess I'm the only one who didn't resent Sunoo for what he did." I looked slightly confused which made Soobin start over.

"The boys and I had been friends with Sunoo since high school and from the very beginning we had planned to leave here after graduation. We each had our own ideas about what we would do when we left. But it was important to us that we would do it together."

While Soobin was telling his view of the situation, I looked down at his arms. There was no bracelet on his wrists. Apparently he had truly accepted that Sunoo was gone and would not be coming back.

"Are the pendants an association on your reasons for leaving here?" I interrupted him and focused on his wrists.

"Oh, yes. I wanted to build my writing career outside of South Korea, just like Taehyun with his skate shop and Kai with his baseball career."

"And Beomgyu with his music career."

"Exactly." Soobin took another fry and I took the opportunity to grab one too.

"Hey, those are mine!" He complained playfully, throwing a fry at me. I laughed out loud, but quickly fell silent again when I realized how loud I was getting.

We both looked cautiously at the cashier, who gave us a warning look, and then turned back to each other, giggling. When we got ourselves reasonably back together, we continued our conversation.

"We included Sunoo in our plan, as he was already an integral part of our group of friends by that time. Just like Yeonjun, he had no real benefit from this plan, but wanted to come along with us anyway." So he just wanted to go along to be with them?

"But you're still here." Was all I said.

"That's right. We had a plan not to tell our parents about it. Mainly Yeonjun's and Beomgyu's parents wouldn't have been able to handle it at all, so we wanted to raise money and then secretly take a flight out of Korea. After we graduated, we all got part-time jobs and when we had enough money we were going to catch the next possible flight to Los Angeles."

"What happened?" Now Soobin also had an uncomfortable look on his face. What Sunoo had done must have hurt Soobin a lot too.

"His parents found out what Sunoo was up to and grounded him. They blocked all his bank accounts and confiscated his phone and everything else. He had no way of contacting us so he sneaked out of his window at night and ran to Yeonjun. Sunoo explained the situation and Yeonjun wrote to us. He said we should all come over to solve the problem together." Soobin frowned, strained and it was beginning to make him uncomfortable to talk about that night, one could tell.

"Sunoo desperately begged us not to leave him behind and asked us not to take the flight."

"So he wanted you all to wait until he could go too." Soobin shook his head absently.

"He didn't want us to leave at all. Sunoo knew his parents wouldn't let him out of their sight easily now. He asked us to stay with him because without us he had no one." I thought about what Soobin had just told me and wondered why Sunoo left on his own after this whole situation.

Soobin didn't say anything for a while and just ate his fries. I didn't want to pressure him because I still had his depressed face in front of me, which I saw for the first time today, and I didn't want to make it worse than it already is. Like Yeonjun had said, I was driving everyone crazy with my questioning.

"Here, you can have the rest." Was all he said, pushing the plate of fries towards me.

"Is everything okay?" I just asked, not touching the fries.

"Yeah." He frowned.

"I don't know. It's just that I thought I knew Sunoo well enough. But I didn't expect..."

"What did he do?" I asked, thinking hard about what it could be. Soobin looked up at me.

"How do you know Sunoo, anyway?" He asked suddenly.

"I'm sorry to ask this so abruptly now, but as far as I know he didn't have any friends besides us."

"He's my ex-boyfriend. I met Sunoo six months ago." Soobin nodded, realizing.

"So after we had the fight." He just said and sank back into his thoughts.

He fiddled with his right hand with his drink cup, which he must have ordered along with the fries. When he regained his senses and was able to collect his thoughts, he opened his mouth slightly and wanted to say something.

"We told him that we would find a solution and that we would do everything possible so that he could come with us. But Sunoo didn't believe us. He then ran back home, where he was then probably caught by his parents and got into more trouble. "

"We didn't see him again for a few days and didn't hear from him until one day my parents came into my room and angrily confronted me. They told me that Sunoo had told them about our plan and then did the same thing to me that Sunoo's parents had done to him. "

"They had my saved money confiscated and I was not allowed to meet with the boys for a while. When I got in touch with the others again, it turned out that it was the same with them. With Yeonjun's and Beomgyu's parents it went a bit more extreme than with Taehyun, Kai and me." Soobin paused a little at that, taking a deep breath before looking at me again.

"Sunoo ruined our whole plan so that we couldn't leave him."

Chapter Text

I listened attentively to Soobin and went through the things he told me again. The more I listened, the less I understood Sunoo. I had known him long enough to form my own impressions of him and now I was hearing things from him that turned my whole view of him upside down.

My thoughts were jumbled in my head and I was trying to merge the Sunoo I knew, with the Sunoo I had been hearing about for the last few days. I couldn't tell if I expected something like that from him or if the Sunoo from a month ago was the same as the one I never got to meet. I frowned and stared at the cold fries in front of me.

"Are you okay?" Soobin asked me, my thoughts hissing around in my head again like little sparrows. Soobin watched me with a worried face and twitched his right hand, apparently trying to take mine.

"Can you possibly comprehend why he did that?" He then asked me, and I was still trying to figure out Sunoo.

"I thought quite differently of it, but that doesn't change a thing." Was all I said, leaving Soobin to puzzle on.

"Didn't he ever tell you what happened?"

"He never mentioned you." I replied quickly.

"Oh."Soobin looked down at his drink. It went silent for a short while and I thought about how to explain it better.

"When Sunoo had already disappeared for a week, I went to his house to get my things that I had left with him. Then I found this bracelet in his room." I carefully placed Sunoo's bracelet, which I had kept locked in my hands all this time, on the table. Soobin looked down at the table and examined the friendship bracelet.

"I had never seen it before and that day it was just lying on his bed as if I was supposed to find it." Soobin continued to stare at the bracelet, not moving a muscle. I watched him, waiting for a reaction, but there didn't come one. Uncertainly, I continued my explanation.

"I took it secretly. Why, I don't know." My gaze quickly moved to the bracelet.

"Unlike you, I had absolutely no idea why he just left like that-"

"Neither did we. I didn't know why he just left without us. We were all going to leave together." Soobin looked distantly at the table. My chest stabbed through my heart and I tried to get rid of the sickening feeling.

"What was he like?"Soobin then asked me the question.

"At first he was reserved just like me. Our parents pushed us to talk to each other and as we got to know each other better, we found a lot of common ground. Sunoo is good at socializing easily when he opens up." Soobin smiled a little now and was lost in his own thoughts.

"When you get to know him better you realize how determined he is. He's very sensitive and actually takes everything directly personally." I had to laugh and thought of Sunoo. Soobin also laughed a little again, apparently understanding what I meant.

"And his room is always morbidly tidy." Soobin laughed out loud.

"Yes, and he always makes sure everything is in order even when his friends are with him." I nodded eagerly and smiled.

"I thought I was the only one he did that to. He really made me wonder if I was actually that messy or if he was just exaggerating."

"Exactly! Then I always made sure not to do anything messy so he wouldn't have to get up every second. It was really annoying after a while."

We exchanged more things we had experienced with Sunoo and were always amazed how many similarities these moments had with each other and how we always thought the same in these situations.

"Most of the time he was always calm and gentle, but when he felt comfortable he became almost as bouncy and chaotic as Beomgyu." Soobin told me, recounting how they had all spent the night together at Beomgyu's house when his parents were out of the house.

He told me about Sunoo's and Beomgyu's private concert, Beomgyu playing his electric guitar and Sunoo playing his keyboard. Kai and Soobin danced around wildly, accidentally knocking a lamp off the shelf. Taehyun harmonized with Beomgyu and Sunoo grabbed a hairbrush for a better display of the concert. Yeonjun joined the band with his invisible rock guitar and devoted all his energy to his performance.

The idea of that evening made me dream of having been there and I smiled nostalgically. This feeling quickly disappeared when I remembered that it was only a moment Soobin was telling me about, because he was there himself and not me.

I thought a bit about whether I had a few moments with Sunoo to talk about and thought hard about the last six months. Soobin, meanwhile, was rummaging around in his backpack, looking for something.

I pierced my gaze through my left hand, which was now covered only with plasters instead of bandages, and scratched around on the edge of the table. I focused completely on the movement of my hand, paying attention to every little detail, how it moved, how the table felt, the sound of the ever increasing scratching and how the plasters danced along with the rhythm of my hand.

Soobin's body slowly came back up to the table with a somewhat agitated expression on his face.

"You don't happen to have any money on you?" I looked over at him slightly tensely.

"No, why?" I asked cautiously, already able to guess what the problem was.

"Well." Soobin scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"It could possibly be that I forgot my wallet."

Now I was really panicking and my eyes widened in shock.

"So what are we supposed to do now? The cafe is about to close and he's going to come to us any second and then we're fucked!"

"Don't worry, we'll figure it out." Soobin assured me, looking around slightly worried. His gaze lingered on the cashier who was currently standing with his back to us, cleaning the kitchen. I followed his gaze and thought about what Soobin might have in mind. Yeonjun would just get up and run away without paying, but Soobin would never do that.

Suddenly, I heard Soobin push his chair back and stand up. I looked up into his face and I could see what he was going to do and I was not happy about it. He slowly bent down to his backpack and pulled it onto his back. I quickly let my eyes wander to the cashier, then back to Soobin and then back to the cashier. He turned around and caught us trying to leave without paying.

"You're still going to pay, aren't you?" He asked us with a little confidence. I looked over at Soobin and he looked at me and held out his hand. I took it after a moment's hesitation and we ran as fast as we could towards the exit.

"Hey!" I heard the cashier shout and knew he was running after us. Soobin held my hand tightly and wanted to make sure I didn't let go, but when we jumped down the few stairs before the exit, he had to let go of my hand.

Soobin ran to the right along the small street and supported himself with his hands on the ground as he ran, to get upright again. I ran after him as best I could, but because he had very long legs, I had to run more steps than he did and lost energy faster than he did.

Soobin turned his face around to me to see if I was still there and when he found me, he stopped short, took my hand again and together we ran away from the owner of the cafe.

We ran further and further down the street. The parked cars whizzed past us and the buildings looked as if they were speeding by us. I didn't dare look behind me to avoid panic attacks and kept my eyes fixed on Soobin.

Even in this situation he could unknowingly take away my fear and even though we were about to run away from unpaid food I knew that if we got caught it would only be half as bad with him.

Soobin turned sharply right and glanced quickly behind us to see if the cashier was still following us. He then turned his gaze straight ahead again and headed for a slightly old, alabaster white pick-up parked to our left.

Soobin let go of my hand to hold on to the truck and jumped smoothly onto the back of the truck first with his left foot and then with his right foot directly behind. As he did so, he had taken his backpack off his back and thrown it onto the truck bed.

He turned gracefully to me and held out his hand again. A big smile formed on his face, which on the one hand was reassuring and on the other hand had the same effect as Yeonjun's smile. Just like Yeonjun, he enjoyed a bit of the adrenaline that we felt and was really excited about it.

Unlike Soobin and Yeonjun, I didn't enjoy such situations as much and just nervously took his hand and he pulled me up onto the loading platform. We made ourselves wide on it and lay down so as not to be seen.

Soobin lay next to me on his back and I lay sideways and made myself as small as I could. I exhaled heavily and tried to get myself under control, because the owner could whiz past this car at any moment.

Soobin just looked strained at the sky, listening for the person to catch up with us. Running away literally took my breath away and I could only barely listen for a warning sound as all I could hear was my rapid pulse and heavy breathing.

Unexpectedly, Soobin turned to me and put his hand on my cheek. I looked at him, startled, and warmth quickly gathered in my cheeks and all over my body. I was so dismayed by his reaction that I forgot to breathe. I also forgot about my rapid pulse, which was slowly returning to normal, and I forgot that we were both lying side by side in the back of someone else's car.

What I didn't forget was how his smile reassured me and made me feel safe and how his features resembled a bunny and how his hair looked so light and shiny and how his hand was on my cheek, which seemed to be getting hotter and hotter.

At that moment I didn't feel any panic building up inside me and I didn't feel any worry about the unpaid food we left in the cafe. The only thing I felt was the same feeling I had at the skatepark. When he held my hand and led me along on the skateboard, the wind made his hair fly slightly and he was beaming all over his face and so was I. I felt all these feelings and moments at the same time.

It was all jumbled in my head and yet my thoughts had never been clearer. At the same time, the moment felt like deja vu. In the exact same place where Soobin's hand was, lightly caressing my cheek, was Yeonjun's hand, which was not as warm but softer than Soobin's hand.

We both listened as the cashier came closer and closer and finally walked past the truck, not noticing us in it. We stayed like that for a few more minutes, wanting to make sure he was out of our reach until we came back up from our lying position. I exhaled in relief and asked myself since when do I actually have to run or hide from anyone so often.

"I thought you weren't like Yeonjun." Was all I said, still searching the area slightly nervously.

"It was the best solution I had." He spoke, catching his breath a little.

"You could have just left your ID there and paid later."

"I didn't think that far ahead." After a brief pause for thought, we both burst out laughing.

"You're the one studying! Actually, you should know what to do in situations like this!"

"I'm studying linguistics. The only thing I can do with it is linguistically correct the cashier." He countered and we laughed even harder at that.

"So I can't show my face in that cafe ever again now." Soobin said, looking in the direction we came from.

I looked at his profile until he turned around and stood up. I did the same so that we were both standing in the loading area. I took my phone out of my pocket and looked at the display. It was just before 9 pm and I had received a new message from an unknown number.

Hey, it's Kai.

I wanted to apologize again for losing your job

because of me and was hoping to make it up

to you.

I found a cafe looking for two new employees

and I thought we could go together?

Just in case you haven't found a new job yet.

Now almost everyone has my phone number, even though I only gave my number to one person. I didn't expect Kai to come back to this. I mean, I didn't blame him for causing me to lose my job. Although he wasn't entirely to blame either. Soobin pulled his backpack back on while I wrote back to Kai.

You don't have to make it up to me

but I would still like to have the job tho

I considered whether or not to put another smiley after it and decided on a plain ":D". I immediately received a message back.

Great!

Then just come to Le Cafe tomorrow

morning at 8am!

Le Cafe. My mind drifted to the person I had been staring at to death in that cafe and I had the teensy hope that if I were to work there, he would be there more often to order his coffee.

"I have to go now then. Kai has offered me a job and I have to get up early for it."

"He must feel really guilty about that. Usually he's only so nice when he really screwed something up."

"Well, he half screwed up too but maybe he didn't think about his actions as thoroughly as you did." I smiled and felt the plasters on my hands tighten.

Soobin just smiled in amusement at that and turned around. He propped himself up against the car with his left hand and jumped down on it just as smoothly as when he jumped onto the back of the truck.

On the same side where Soobin jumped down, I sat down on the partition of the loading area and turned to jump down as well. I felt two large hands place themselves on my hips and I braced my hands on Soobin's shoulders.

He lifted me off the pick-up and placed me on the ground without taking his hands off me again. My arms slid off his shoulders and stopped and lingered on his lower arms.

I looked up at his eyes and moved down to his cheeks and down to his lips. They were slightly pink and had an interesting shape. The corners of his mouth were naturally raised, his lower lip was full and plump and overall they were small and sweet and I imagined them tasting like strawberries or something.

I glanced back up at his eyes, looking at them and ignoring how he was also inspecting me. His eyes were soft and wing-shaped. His gaze was gentle and reassuring. I couldn't stop looking at him and he couldn't stop looking at me. We both looked at each other, his hands resting on my hips and his thumbs lightly and gently caressing my back.

My hands holding his arms, feeling the fabric of his sweatshirt, feeling his warmth. I wanted to stay there all night and examine him, that's what I wanted. I wanted to find out what his lips tasted like. To be devoured further in eternal time and only see his eyes, his lips, his face. Just this moment of infinite imaginings of what could be and what is right now. Because what is right now is very beautiful and should go on forever.

Chapter Text

[25. August 2022]

The trees between the streetlights rustled in the light wind and let their green and pink leaves slowly fall onto the path. The sun was just about to rise and shone directly into my eyes. I tried to make out the path in front of me and held my hand in front of my face to shield myself from the sun.

My gaze remained glued to the paved path most of the time and every time I dared to look up I was blinded by the sun's intrusive rays. Cars passed me on the right, making the air roar.

Luckily for me, I had decided to wear a cardigan today, so the wind didn't bother me much. I held my phone in my left hand so that I wouldn't have to feel that discomfort I always have when I can't do anything with my hands. Another reason was Yeonjun, who still hadn't replied to my message.

My thoughts drifted from the piercing sun to Tuesday night. He was quite annoyed when he looked at the pictures and even though I didn't ask him about it, he volunteered to talk about Sunoo and was even more upset afterwards and just left without saying goodbye.

I kept asking myself what I could have done wrong and even though I know I'm not the most innocent person, I knew it clearly wasn't up to me. Or was it? The last few weeks had been very confusing and I didn't know what to do next. I had got my answers, but I could not yet easily tear myself away from the interviewees.

I knew there were no more reasons for me to keep seeing them but it was not easy to turn away from them. There was something that made me feel good when I was with them and I didn't want to let go of that feeling so quickly. That's probably what Sunoo thought when he unwillingly made the boys not go away, but by doing so he only contributed to not seeing them at all.

My opinions were divided on the question of whether I could understand him anyway. On the one hand, I would give anything to stay with them longer, but that could mean losing them even more. On the other hand, his methods were rather ill-conceived and I don't think I would act so irrationally.

I quickly glanced at the display of my phone. No new message. That was to be expected but in case he does write back out of the blue, I want to know quickly to be aware of the situation. If he accepts my apology it means Yeonjun isn't mad at me and I don't have to worry. If he doesn't accept it then I know what that means.

My legs were walking a little faster along the path now to drown out the negative thoughts, but it wasn't really working. The sun seemed to be getting brighter and brighter and the streets were getting more and more filled with cars.

The rustling of the trees became louder and louder and the falling leaves covered more and more of the path. I didn't dare look up any more, because the sunlight would blind me the next time I looked up, so I just stared intently at the ground.

And if the day didn't already show me far too extreme impressions of everyday life, I then also felt a throbbing pain in my head.

I held my head in pain and looked up. The sun was blocked out by a tall boy with blond hair and on closer inspection I noticed that it was Kai.

"Hello to you too, I'd say."

"Sorry, I didn't see you."

"That's okay, I get overlooked a lot with my height." He reasoned wryly. I had to laugh in response, still rubbing my head.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Kai turned amusedly back in the direction he had been looking before.

"Why are you standing here?"

"I want to cross the road." He said and I looked in the same direction as him. We were at a red light and cars were flooding the streets that were uncrossable.

"I have to go that way too."

"I hope so. After all, we're going to the same place, aren't we?" He said wryly again. The traffic lights turned green and the flow of traffic through the street came to a halt.

Kai and I walked together to the other side of the road, and I took care to stand next to him so that he would shield me perfectly from the sun. But just like Soobin, Kai was quite tall and therefore had fewer steps to walk and I had more.

"Don't walk so fast, I need you to protect me from the sun." At this he walked even faster, smirking maliciously. I tried to catch up with him and started jogging to keep up.

"Hey, go slower, please." I begged him, laughing lightly and Kai giggled childishly in response.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop." He assured me and laughed with a clear "HAHA". He was now walking a little slower and I matched his speed so that the sun disappeared behind Kai again.

We had already walked a few hundred meters and in my line of sight I caught Kai looking down curiously at my hands.

"How are your hands?" I looked down at my hands as well, examining the badly sticky plasters.

"They're not infected but it tickles a lot under the plasters, quite annoying." He looked at me a little apologetically but said nothing more.

"How's your interrogation going?" I knew they were talking about me in their group chat, so I could only tell him what the others knew the truth about. In case I should tell anything else than that, they knew I would lie.

"I know what Sunoo did." Kai nodded in understanding and continued to look straight ahead.

"I would have told you too, but you just fell asleep right next to me." I couldn't help laughing at that and lightly held my hand in front of my face.

"Was I that boring?"

"No! I told you I pulled an all-nighter." I explained, but Kai kept trying to make a joke out of it.

"Man, I thought we could finally start a conversation for the fact that we had been working together for 3 weeks and then you fall asleep in the middle of the conversation!" I laughed even more and Kai joined in afterwards and then we both laughed about this funny situation that day.

The mood lightened drastically, which must have been Kai's aim. I didn't even notice the slightly stifling mood, but he must be quite observant with such things.

"Sorry, I'm a bit of an introvert."

"But it doesn't show at all." Must be you guys, I thought. It's rare that I feel directly at ease with people, and so far it hasn't happened with any of the boys that I haven't felt at ease with them.

"Sunoo was very different. It took us a really long time for him to open up to us completely."

"I can imagine that."

"We always had to make it clear to him that we wanted him with us because otherwise he wouldn't have believed it. How long do you think it took him to finally come along to one of our sleepovers? He always canceled on the grounds that it would be a bit below us and he would only bother us then. How stupid, I mean we had been friends for almost four months!"

The more I listened, the more goosebumps I got from the crushing feeling in my chest. I didn't want him to keep talking. I wanted him to stop.

Kai slowly stopped and looked past me. I turned to my right and saw the cafe that was our destination directly in front of me. I looked through the glass panes and looked at the inside of the cafe. I saw the table I sat at last week and thought of Yeonjun again. The thought of him depressed me and I quickly tried to think of something else.

"Let's go in." I spoke abruptly and walked over to the glass door and held it open for Kai.

"Oh, thank you." Was all he said and walked through and I followed. It smelled of freshly brewed coffee and freshly baked pastries. The cafe enveloped my body in comforting warmth and made me feel cozy, which was more than could be said for my old workplace. I frowned questioningly. I watched Kai as he stood at the counter talking to the waiter.

Kai was at the same height as he was with the waiter but I knew that behind the counter the floor went up a step and the waiter was probably shorter than him because of that. The waiter gave Kai a friendly nod and walked briskly into the back room of the café. I walked over to him and peered between him and the counter to the back door.

"Someone should be along in a minute to do the application." He reported to me.

"Why did our old boss just let us go like that?" I asked, ignoring his statement.

"What do you mean?"

"He could have sued us quite easily, Kai. What have you done?" I continued looking at the back door.

"Why do I have to have done something wrong right away?" I looked up at him and he gave me a feigned innocent look.

"I didn't beat him up, don't worry."

"I wouldn't have expected you to."

"Then what?"

"You tell me." He sighed and scratched the back of his head.

"I went back to him a few days later and told him we were going to resign voluntarily and we would keep to ourselves how he treats his employees if he didn't sue us for it."

"So you threatened him."

"I made him an offer! He was already totally intimidated by me and the injury on his head was hard to miss, so I guess he didn't feel like getting another one."

"Yeah right, what would the customers think?" I mimicked our former boss and had to laugh.

Kai also laughed at my joke. His laughter was loud and hearty and it secretly made me quite happy when I heard it. I imagined how many had such a feeling when they heard Kai laugh.

"Do you do this often?"

"What?"

"Use your baseball skills for something other than baseball." He thought for a moment, crossing his arms and holding his chin with his right hand.

"No, actually I'm pretty harmless when it comes to that." I looked at him a little incredulously. He dropped his hands again and gave up.

I honestly don't remember what happened when the back door of the cafe opened and we went in for the application. Kai was quite attentive and competent during the application while I could only give half of the attitude than him.

We were told that we could start working there next week on Monday and when we were out of the cafe we did little jumps of joy. Kai smiled all over his face and was really happy. He was really proud of how he had done, because the last few times he had been lucky in his applications.

I was just as happy to have got the job as he was but not only because I had done well, but because of a completely different thing, which on further reflection also saddened me.

"Hey, I was going to a supermarket. Do you wanna come with me?"

"Yes!" I said a little too quickly and Kai looked at me with bemused amusement. I hurriedly walked past Kai, who followed me shortly afterwards.

Chapter Text

We arrived at a small supermarket and went inside. Since Kai was the one who wanted to go to the supermarket, I just walked silently behind him and watched him shop. I looked at the different products on the shelves and eyed every single package of the chip bags that were in the department. Kai scanned the shelf for the right kind of chips while I surveyed his profile.

His features were sharp and striking. He had a strikingly petite nose that had something slightly graceful about it. Looking at him from the side was addictive and I could imagine that many people often asked for his number or the like. Maybe he was even asked about a modeling career once on the street, because such features are quite popular there.

He grabbed a red chips bag and made his way to the next corner of the supermarket.

"Aren't you going to buy some?"

"Don't have any money on me." He turned to me and continued walking backwards to his target shelf.

"Who leaves the house without taking money with them, huh?"

"Someone who never got their monthly salary because that person quit a week before."

"Oh, that's right." Was all he replied, turning around guiltily again. He scratched the back of his head and looked down at the floor.

We arrived at several refrigerated shelves, all lined up against one wall. A few meters across from us was the cash register and between us were three more sections of shelves. Kai opened one of the refrigerated doors with several different cans of all kinds stored behind it.

"Can you hold this open?" He instructed me and I took the door from him.

He reached into the shelf and grabbed a few cans. He pushed the cans aside with his hands and searched behind them for other varieties and reached even deeper into the refrigerated shelf to pull them out. He stashed them all in his arms and I wondered why he needed so many.

"Have some too if you want, I'll pay for it."

"No thanks, I don't need anything." I said, but Kai reached for another can that I happened to have stared at and handed it to me patiently. He took the fridge door from me and shut it quietly.

"Thank you." I whispered and clasped the can with both hands and pressed it against me.

He, however, just turned around as a matter of course and was about to go to the checkout, but was distracted by someone.

"Beomgyu! What are you doing here?" Kai shouted cheerfully, smiling broadly. In front of us stood Beomgyu, also with a broad smile. He was wearing a black shirt with red writing on it and a red, blue check skirt with black leather shorts underneath.

His face was still covered with small abrasions, as well as his hands, which still had some plasters on them. But what I discovered were new small and medium-sized abrasions on his forearms, some of which had already been treated with plasters.

"Shopping for things, what do you think I'm doing here?" Beomgyu answered the question Kai had just asked.

"What happened to your arms?" I interrupted their conversation, pointing to his abrasions.

He raised his arms in front of him, looked at them briefly and said, "What could have happened?" and then lowered his arms again as if it was normal to have abrasions all over one's body every day.

"I'm sure he thought he could keep up with Taehyun on the skateboard again." Kai explained to me, laughing out loud.

"Hey, I can skate better than you do, so just shut up!" Beomgyu countered, looking overly offended. Kai just laughed at him and walked past him, towards the checkout. I followed him again and next to me Beomgyu, who did the same.

He leaned towards me a little and asked "Are you coming to the skatepark with us, too?"

I looked up at him hesitantly, both my hands clutching the can again.

"Sure." Was all I said, thinking about who would all be there.

Apparently Kai bought all those cans for the meeting at the skatepark and since Beomgyu asked me just now if I would come along, it was clear that he would be there too. According to the meeting place, Taehyun would probably be there as well so I wondered if Soobin would be meeting them too.

Then my mind drifted to Yeonjun and the idea that he might also be at the meeting made me dizzy. I felt a rapid throbbing in my chest and felt my body getting warmer and warmer. I couldn't gauge whether the throbbing sensation was one of excitement or fear.

"Cool! Then I can prove to you that Kai is full of shit."

"You don't have to prove anything to me." I said absently, staring at Kai's back.

The latter suddenly turned around and Kai's flawless face looked down at me and gently took the can from me, which had to be paid for.

He put it with the other cans and had the cashier scan everything. Kai paid for all the things and Beomgyu grabbed a can right after and opened it with ease. He took a sip from it and sauntered back over.

Kai came over shortly after and held the remaining four cans and the chips bag in his hands.

"Thanks for helping me carry them, Beomgyu." He thanked him with a wry smile.

"You're always welcome." Beomgyu replied, grinning gleefully.

Kai ignored his statement and handed me my can again. I insisted on holding a few things too and he just gave me the bag of chips. Beomgyu probably wanted to make an impression afterwards and snatched two drinks to be able to carry something as well.

The three of us now walked to the skatepark on the beach and marched side by side. But the footpath was only made for two people, so I had to walk on the street. To my right, Beomgyu walked and talked casually with Kai while I walked beside them and listened.

We had already walked a few meters and I wondered if they had both forgotten me by now, but that changed abruptly when Beomgyu grabbed me by my shoulders from behind and pushed me between them. He casually put his arm over my shoulder and strolled on.

"So, I heard you ran away from a waiter yesterday because you didn't pay? First you steal money and now you don't pay? Are you broke or something?" He showered me with questions, grinning as if he was proud of me.

"Well first of all, it was Soobin's order that HE didn't pay and because of the stolen money I was just a hostage."

"A hostage!" Kai laughed loudly, dropping his head into his neck.

"You can call it that."

"Yeonjun told me to say that in case anyone asked about it."

"Best you leave that last part out then." Beomgyu spoke in my ear.

"You say that like you're giving me advice right now."

"I am! I don't want you to go to jail because of us."

"We'll see about that." I whispered inaudibly.

"We're not that bad. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Oh, and that three times in less than two weeks? I've already got one foot in jail and you're joking about it." Beomgyu continued to embrace me, laughing even more amused at my statements. His and Kai's laughing voices also made me laugh and just like Soobin, they made me feel safe.

Chapter Text

The sun was hanging up in the sky and I was lucky that it was no longer shooting right into my face. Beomgyu, Kai as well as my humble self arrived at the skatepark and I could tell from a distance who the others were, who were credited with the two remaining cans and none of them were Yeonjun.

Gradually, I got a feeling of soft aching emptiness spreading through me and I knew I missed Yeonjun. It had only been two days that I hadn't seen or heard from him and even though I knew two days weren't much, I couldn't shake the thought that it might be more days. Or weeks. Or months. Or no more at all.

Maybe he decided to do exactly what Sunoo did and just leave on his own without saying goodbye to everyone. But I knew he wouldn't do that. He was far too angry with Sunoo for that, because he had done it.

I tried to ignore the unpleasant feeling and concentrated on the people who were present at the moment.

There was Taehyun, who was riding around on his skateboard as usual with a big smile and didn't seem at all like the one I had met two weeks ago. Behind Taehyun, at the top of the ramp in the middle of the skatepark, Soobin was sitting cross-legged, looking down at his phone and busying himself with it.

"Soobin!" Beomgyu shouted in my ear, waving wildly at him. Soobin lifted his head curiously in response and you could see his expression light up when he saw us. He waved back at Beomgyu and now Taehyun spotted us too, waving at us as well.

We walked over to where Soobin was sitting and I sat down right next to him when we got to him. Taehyun came lithely up the ramp and greeted Beomgyu and Kai with a handshake, smiling at them incessantly.

"You're late."Soobin complained with a smile and turned to the two.

"I had a job interview, okay? So you don't say anything here!" Kai explained himself.

"You can shove your time up your ass, Soobin!" Beomgyu replied. I had to chuckle at the two rather different answers and Soobin joined in.

He turned back to me and gave me a pleasant smile. I mimicked him so that we both smiled at each other for a ridiculously long time.

"Stop your love gawking and take this off me already." Beomgyu interrupted us, holding a green can in front of Soobin's nose. Soobin took it and looked awkwardly at his phone, which was lying between his legs.

My head turned away automatically and I noticed the heat in my cheeks slowly rising. I squinted my eyes in embarrassment. After a few seconds, I slowly looked back at Soobin, who had already opened his drink and was about to drink from it.

"What did you just do?" I asked him, trying to change the subject. I pointed lightly at his phone and Soobin set his drink aside.

"I've been trying to reach Yeonjun but he's not answering any of my messages."

"That's right, where is he anyway?" Kai asked now, looking over at us. I knew all too well why he probably didn't want to come. Even if he didn't know that I would be here today, he hadn't been in touch with anyone since Tuesday.

I should have felt relieved that I wasn't the only one he was ignoring, but instead I felt even more miserable because he's so upset that he won't even answer his friends.

"Does anyone know what could be wrong with him? He hasn't been answering my messages for a while." Taehyun asked worriedly and everyone shook their heads except me.

"I think that's my fault." I whispered softly, glancing at my still-closed can. But since none of us had spoken at that moment except me, of course everyone had heard it.

"What do you mean?"Soobin asked me gently, his voice calming me a little. I looked at him regretfully, feeling guilty.

"Tell me, what have you done?"Beomgyu rushed me, not wanting to upset me in the process. I sighed.

"Yeonjun was still with me Tuesday night and found the pictures of Sunoo on my shelf. After telling me he didn't want to talk about him, he did and got all upset afterwards and left just like that." I told them the situation. They all looked in different directions and understood. They all had expressions on their faces as if they had already known the reason beforehand.

"You don't have to feel guilty about it, Eve." Kai assured me and squatted down next to me. Another nickname that cheered me up a little.

"He just needs a little more time than others." Kai glanced slightly at the others and I looked after him. Beomgyu nodded slightly dejectedly and then looked at his hands. Taehyun was deliberately looking in a completely different direction, playing around with his skateboard.

"If you have any more questions, you'd better ask me or Kai." Soobin now expressed himself from the side.

To be honest, I don't even know if I want to find out anything more about him. I would prefer him not to be a topic among us anymore, but Sunoo is the only one who connects us all together. It made me angry that he always comes between everything I do.

I tried to open my can, which had been resting untouched in my hands all this time, but the raging feeling in my head wouldn't let me manage simple things like opening a can. I looked down at my drink irritably and was about to almost crush the entire can.

Before I could throw the can away in anger, Kai gently took it from me and opened it with ease, as everyone else could but me, and then handed it back to me.

He looked at me a little worried and had a thoughtful expression on his face as to whether he should say something about it or not. His legs were dangling off the ramp just like mine and Soobin's and the sun was shining directly on us, giving us warmth.

I peered over at the bouncer, who must spend his whole life in the skatepark here, and watched him not give a shit about us.

"I guess his hatred towards people without skateboards in the park has gone now too." Kai also looked over at the bouncer.

"He never cared if anyone was here with a board or not." He explained and I looked at him confused.

"He only does that to people he doesn't know and who are known to not just want to meet anyone from the park." Taehyun now approached us from behind and squatted between me and Soobin. The expression on my face clearly showed how confused I was.

So the bouncer was playing me the whole time and I bought a board for this shit as well! I'm sure he laughed his head off at the sight. I suddenly became embarrassed by my whole presence and just wanted to go home.

"So why did he tell us Soobin and I would get kicked out if we just sat around like we are now?" I asked quietly, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Mike saw you two together and thought there was something between you two. He wanted to take advantage of that."

"What's that supposed to mean? We were only sitting next to each other for five minutes." I explained, a little upset and started to dislike Mike.

From my vantage point, I could only see Soobin, who was again dedicated to his phone but still listened to everything. His cheeks were starting to turn slightly pink and I directly regretted what I had said.

"He does that to everyone, don't worry about it." Taehyun assured me with a slightly amused expression.

"He did it to Yeonjun once, too." Beomgyu, who had been gloomily looking at the floor before, spoke up and now joined in the conversation. Kai's expression brightened, his amused laughter abruptly changing the mood around us.

"Mike mistook his cousin for his girlfriend and got the two of them to ride around on a board which only resulted in Yeonjun almost beating his cousin to death with it." My eyes widened in shock at this information. Furthermore, Beomgyu now sat down next to Kai and also let his legs hang off the ramp.

"Instead of watching the two of them fooling around, he just watched them get into each other's hair and shout wild insults at each other. It was so funny!" Beomgyu recalled, laughing his head off in exaggeration. My gaze was still a little disturbed at the thought of him beating up his cousin with a skateboard but what else could I expect from him?

"Yeah, it was always such a love-hate thing between them. They're always jealous of each other over some petty thing and then they always fight about it." Taehyun informed me.

"She's a total pain in the ass too. That little brat called my taste in music noise!" Beomgyu grumbled angrily, waving his arms around.

"She's a case in her own." Soobin spoke again, still totally fixated on his phone and probably trying to reach Yeonjun.

With that thought, I pulled out my phone and opened the chat I had already looked up far too many times. I left my finger already ready on the off button and just glanced briefly at the message I had written to Yeonjun two days ago.

Nothing had changed except that underneath my message the word "Read" was spreading and seemed to be getting bigger.

An uncomfortable, pulsing twinge spread through me and ate its way through my insides. He had read the message but had not replied to it which meant he must not accept my apology?

My hands were sweating and only the left hand could be cooled by the can I was holding. The other shakily tried to put the phone away again and not miss my trouser pocket. My mind couldn't get away from the situation and could only focus on the message I had read and what it meant for me now.

I had a compelling urge to do something about it and began to fidget slightly with my legs. My thoughts were polluting my head and I could no longer think clearly, let alone focus on anything.

My presence seemed to make it even more uncomfortable than it already was and feeling it all now while surrounded by Yeonjun's friends only made it worse.

I took a sip from the can I was holding stiffly in my hand and only then realized what I was drinking. I looked at the can and hated myself for taking an energy drink in such a situation. It only made things worse and to be honest I don't know what to do anymore.

I thought I could take a deep breath and that would alleviate the problem a bit, but it made it even more annoying because I had to take several deep breaths to alleviate the feeling permanently.

If I stopped it would feel like I couldn't breathe at all and that was totally out of place. How was I supposed to explain to the others that I had to get somewhere fast to avoid exploding?

"Evolet?" I turned my head quickly to Soobin and tried not to let on that a furious storm had just raced through my body, tearing everything apart. Soobin looked at me with a worried, furrowed brow. Slowly, even his reassuring face wasn't having any effect and I fell into further panic.

"Did the can do anything to you, or why are you choking it like that?" Beomgyu turned to me and pointed at my can, which I was crushing intensely. The inside of the can spilled out of the opening and slowly ran over my hand and dripped onto my trousers.

Instead of relieving the pressure I was applying to the can, I just stared at the mess and wanted to continue crushing the can. Suddenly, I registered everything around me again and I could feel the warmth of the sun on me again. I looked back down at my drink and set it down beside me, drying my hand on my trousers.

"You alright?" Kai asked me, setting aside the can I had placed between us.

He propped himself up on his left hand and waited for an answer. I was embarrassed to talk about why I was acting like this, so I just stayed quiet and didn't say anything.

Taehyun gently put a hand on my shoulder but didn't say anything either. I felt a little inundated with all the reassuring gestures and worried faces, which didn't completely upset me but rather kept me calm. To this, Soobin took my hand in his and tenderly rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.

"My hand is all sticky and wet." I confessed meekly.

"So is my hand now." Was all he said, not letting go of my hand.

"My hand now too!" Kai exclaimed, placing his hand on top of mine, which Soobin's hand continued to clasp.

"And mine."Taehyun joined in and placed his hand on Kai's. Beomgyu reached his body over to me and had to lay half on Kai to put his hand on the pile of hands too.

"Hand sandwich!" Beomgyu shouted and we all bursted out laughing. At the same time, I noticed the pulsating stinging getting smaller and I could gradually breathe in small increments again.

I threw my phone on the sofa in front of me and dropped to the floor. My arms spread out on the living room table and I rested my head comfortably on my upper arms and closed my eyes immediately afterwards.

After a few minutes, I looked back into my living room and looked straight ahead at my shelf. My gaze slowly continued to wander upwards, surveying the innocent looking pictures. Everything about the scene on the shelf looked carefree and happy, but this effect was overshadowed by recent events. The only thing I felt now was unease and irritation.

I peered at the clock visible under my TV and stared at the numbers for a long time without putting together an exact time in my head. A glance out the window was enough to know that it was already past afternoon.

After the wild storm in my body passed, I stayed there after all and let Beomgyu chat me up about his favorite bands. It didn't bother me a bit, though, because I had a similar taste in music to him anyway.

The crappy pictures on the shelf were starting to irritate me and I got up in a rage to take them off the shelf. I looked at them in my hands and drowned in nostalgia.

In one picture Sunoo was sitting cross-legged on a bench looking at his phone. He looked so focused on it that he didn't realize I was snapping a picture of him until he found these on my shelf. In the other picture, he was stretched out on a picnic blanket, his arms folded behind his head and his eyes closed. He seemed full of worries and somehow sad.

The longer I looked at the pictures, the more I felt the urge to throw them out of my room. They were supposed to shatter my window panes and slap loudly on the asphalt so that I could hear the shattered picture frame.

In the end, however, I decided to just put the pictures in a drawer and probably never open it again. Now I was looking proudly at my now empty shelf and thinking about what to fill it with instead.

Suddenly, I heard a distinctive knock on my door. I turned away from my shelf in astonishment and cautiously walked to the door and opened it.

Standing in front of me was Yeonjun with his seductive pink lips and his uniquely beautiful eyes gazing intently at me and his soft black hair falling back into his face a little.

In his hands he held a small cactus that seemed even smaller than it actually was and I asked myself, not what he was doing here, but why he was holding this stupid cactus in his hands.

Chapter Text

I looked at Yeonjun's face and remembered every little detail in case I didn't see him again for two days, pausing at the small birthmark below his right eye. Then my gaze wandered down to the cactus he was holding.

"What's the cactus for?"

"That's the first thing you say? Not even a hello?"

"Hello." Was all I said, still standing motionless in front of the door. Meanwhile, my right hand was propped up against the door frame and my other hand held the door wide open.

Yeonjun looked down at his cactus, bit his lower lip and then looked back up at me. He held out the cactus to me and said "Here. For you."

My gaze lingered on the little cactus and I racked my brain as to what he was implying. Then, after a short while, I remembered something that might have to do with this cactus.

"So that your flat gets some life and doesn't look so dull anymore." He grinned and it struck me how much I had missed that smile.

I loosened my stance and dropped my hands weakly beside my hips. My hand gingerly reached for the cactus and I then took it in both hands to examine it silently. It was small, green and in a white flower pot, fitting for such a size.

"I told you that all plants die in my house." I mentioned quietly.

"And that's why it's a cactus. I would like to see how you let this one die." He said, resting his right hand on his hip and waving his left hand wildly like a car barrier as he teased me about it, feeling really proud of his top idea.

I, however, continued to eye the cactus, not knowing if he was giving it to me out of pity or simply because he wanted to.

"You don't like it." He remarked sadly, dropping his hand from his hip in disappointment.

"Yes I do, I like it a lot!" I spoke a little too fast and quickly looked up at him and smiled a little too exaggeratedly.

"Thank you." I thanked him sincerely and Yeonjun was smiling a bit too overdrawn now as well, but meant it.

I turned around a little haltingly and searched the living room for a suitable place for the cactus. By chance, I had just made some space on my shelf and placed the small, green cactus directly where Sunoo's pictures had been before.

Meanwhile, Yeonjun came quietly through the front door and watched me rearrange my now no longer drab living room.

"The place looks much livelier already!" I cheered happily, turning to Yeonjun with a broad smile and presenting my shelf to him, pointing at it theatrically with my hands.

He looked at it with a slightly furrowed brow and inconspicuously scanned the shelf with his gaze. When he noticed that the pictures were no longer there, he chuckled once briefly and a small smile formed on his face.

"Definitely very much alive. I can already feel how much cozier it is here now." He spoke sarcastically and I had to laugh at his joke. But not because the joke was funny, but because Yeonjun didn't seem to be angry with me anymore and I felt an exciting tingling sensation because of it.

My eyes briefly brushed past Yeonjun and saw the door still wide open.

"Can't you close doors?" I asked, amused, and went to the door to close it. Yeonjun followed me with his gaze and turned away from my shelf.

"Actually, I thought we were going to my place."

My body stopped abruptly and my eyes unreal pierced the wall in front of me. My hand stiffened on the doorknob and my head had to comprehend what Yeonjun had just said.

"First you keep a distance from anyone for two days and now you want me to just come to your house just like that?" I summed up the situation, weighing up the possible scenarios that could all happen at his house.

Yeonjun said nothing to this and remained silent. Inside me, this question was bothering me, because I didn't have to listen to negative trains of thought for days just to have the whole thing forgotten all at once. But the relief that just spread through me was stronger than my morals.

I turned away from the wall and looked him straight in the eyes, which were filled with guilt.

"I'm sorry I just left like that. I was just a little-" He tilted his head slightly towards the shelf, "messed up."

He looked back over at me with wide, sincere eyes.

"I know that. But you can't expect everything to go back to the way it was after something like this."

He scratched the back of his head regretfully and looked sulkily at my shoes, his eyes slightly narrowed as if he was considering. My gaze wandered back to the wall beside the flat door and I gathered my thoughts until I turned back to Yeonjun and regarded him carefully.

He was wearing a white, slightly grayish shirt and underneath a black and white striped long-sleeved top with gray shorts that were full of torn holes. Another detail I spotted were a couple of rings on his fingers and I was starting to get hot at the sight. I slid my hand back and forth on the door handle and felt how wet it had become as my hand was so sweaty. I let go of the door handle and faced Yeonjun.

"So does that mean you don't want to come with me?"

"Yes I do want to!" I shouted, again a little too fast and too loudly. I quickly grabbed the door handle again to steady myself and looked past Yeonjun sheepishly, trying to keep my expression in check.

Yeonjun's expression, however, lit up the whole room and pushed away the pent-up negativity with just a sincere smile. He reached out to take my hand but I quickly jerked away, afraid that he might touch my sweaty hand. He looked at me a little perplexed.

"You- make me sweat." I explained stuttering, clearing my throat and walking quickly through the door and out my apartment. I squinted my eyes awkwardly, wondering why I was always so painfully honest around him.

I could feel his grin against my back and didn't even dare turn around one more time, just hoping he didn't have a performance issue closing the door after all.

Chapter Text

We drove about ten minutes to his house and when we arrived, several medium-sized apartment buildings were in my field of vision. They were all made of white concrete and decorated with orange-brown details. Each flat had its own balcony and overall the apartment buildings looked rather run down.

The plants that spread in front of the buildings were also either fir trees or somewhat smaller trees and bushes that were surrounded by dry soil and would probably not live much longer. Between the trees, one could make out lush lawns that had not felt any water for a long time and looked totally dry, just like the ground.

Yeonjun parked right next to the entrance of one of the residential buildings, which was surrounded between two other buildings, and turned off the engine. I continued to observe the surroundings, not paying attention to what Yeonjun was doing, but when he called my name, I turned away from my observations and we got out of his car together.

Yeonjun walked around the car, past me, and meanwhile locked his car with his key. I went after him and followed him to the front door. He unlocked it effortlessly, walked through and held it open for me. After I also stepped through the door, Yeonjun strolled a few steps further to the first apartment door, to the left of the steps, and opened it just as casually as the front door from earlier.

The first thing I noticed when I entered his parents' flat was the old-fashioned pieces of furniture that filled the room. Directly to my left was the living room, which at the same time joined the kitchen, which was a little too small for a family. In the middle of the room was a small blue and orange checkered sofa, which stood directly opposite the small television. In the sideboard where the TV was, I caught sight of a games console, probably mainly used by Yeonjun.

"Where are your parents?"

"Not here." He said curtly, stashing the car keys hidden behind a dresser.

That was probably the real reason he wanted to go to his house this time. He wanted to take advantage of it and perhaps even did it often, that when his parents were not around, he would invite his friends over when such an opportunity arose.

I continued to look around the room as I took off my shoes without even once looking at my feet and then placed them on the floor.

"Take your shoes with you." He instructed me and I picked my shoes back up off the floor and cradled them in my arms.

Yeonjun crossed the living room, passed the small kitchen and headed for a side hallway that was on the other side of the flat. He then turned left and a large white wooden door stretched out in front of me, already slightly open. Yeonjun walked through it and as I too made my way through the door, I caught sight of Yeonjun's untidy room.

With my shoes in my arms, I curiously explored his room and, apart from clothes and magazines lying on the floor, I also found an amplifier just like Beomgyu's. The difference between Beomgyu's room and Yeonjun's was that Yeonjun didn't have as many posters hanging on the wall or tons of instruments in his room.

Apart from these things, Yeonjun had several chests of drawers that seemed to match the furniture from the living room rather than his youthful room. Even the old-fashioned armchair that catches your eye as soon as you walk in didn't really fit the idea I had in mind for Yeonjun's room.

"You can just throw your shoes anywhere." Yeonjun suggested and I placed my shoes neatly beside the door to the room.

I moved further into the room and took another thorough look around. Yeonjun, meanwhile, plonked himself down on his bed and watched me look around. My eyes lingered on the second most interesting thing in the room and I approached the medium-sized glass case full of Siamese fighting fish. They all looked different, some were red, some were blue and then there were red-blue ones.

"You have fish?"

"Don't I look like a fish guy?"

I glanced over at Yeonjun and eyed him conspicuously until I replied, "No. You don't."

Yeonjun gave a short giggle and I turned back to the fish. They all looked so pretty. I watched as the Siamese fighting fish swam around calmly in the aquarium, living a carefree life that I wanted so much. I counted the colorful fish and came up with a total number of five.

"Did you name them?" I asked curiously.

"Of course I named them." Yeonjun hissed naturally.

He stood up jerkily from his bed and came over to me to introduce the fish. I turned back towards the aquarium and could feel Yeonjun's proximity against my back. He stood very close to me and his left arm lightly brushed my shoulder. Yeonjun pointed to a red, shimmering fish with his right hand.

"That's fish."

His finger moved over to a blue, shimmering fish.

"This one is Lord Fish." His hand moved further in the direction I was standing and pointed to a blue fish with green fins.

"And this one is called Captain Fish."

His left arm pressed closer to my shoulder and I could already feel the pounding of my heart in my throat. Yeonjun stayed quiet for a while, looking for the other two fish that had wandered off as more people gathered in front of the tank. Then, seeing the two remaining fish swimming out from behind a rock, Yeonjun introduced me to their names as well.

"The orange one here is called Sir Fish and this is Mike."

I let out a little chuckle at the last name.

"Bouncer Mike from the skatepark?"

"Lost a bet."

"And then you really named your fish after him?"

"A deal is a deal."

My gaze continued to linger on the fish as they moved majestically with their fins in the clear water. Yeonjun was still standing behind me, also watching the fish, but I could sometimes notice his gaze on me.

"You don't question the names of the other fish at all?" He asked me incredulously.

"I didn't expect anything else from you." I said honestly and heard him inhale in offense. I looked up at his flawless face and smiled sardonically, to which he just snorted in mock annoyance.

Yeonjun was now lying back on his bed, having turned away from me, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought. I continued to stand by his aquarium, watching Mike as he slipped easily through the aquarium plants. He was the prettiest of all the fish with a shimmering blue body and reddish fins, the ends of which faded to a dark black.

To be honest, I only looked at the fish because I didn't know what to do now. The longer I turned my gaze to the aquarium, the less I dared to look over at Yeonjun. He's quiet and doesn't say a word and it's driving me crazy.

Why would he want me to come home with him if he didn't say a word then? Or did he just want to show me his fish, with their uncreative names, and nothing more? Maybe he doesn't want to say anything until I turn around because he thinks that otherwise he will disturb me watching the fish?

I averted my eyes from the aquarium and looked over at Yeonjun, who was still staring at the ceiling. Even while lying down, he looked great. He had his right leg bent and his arms were slightly spread out beside him. I could get a good look at his profile from here, which seemed to look even more perfect because of the overhead lighting.

The bridge of his nose runs in a straight line and ties softly to the tip of his nose. His nose is as perfect of shape as his eyes and lips and eyebrows and everything else of him. I wanted to look at him like that for even longer, if only for another five minutes, which we filled with silence.

Yeonjun turned his head slowly towards me and then looked at me with an almost expressionless face. His eyes shone longingly, slightly agonizingly as if he wanted something, but what?

I didn't want to ask, and didn't want to make the same mistake again. So I just walked over to him and lay down right next to him. Lying on my back, I then looked up at the ceiling just like Yeonjun had just done. It was white and the least interesting thing in the whole room.

My head tilted to the side and I gazed inquisitively at the most interesting of all the things here. Yeonjun returned my gaze, his eyes calm and no longer so tormented. His expression was alert, but only his eyes showed it. His lips were calm and they glistened in the light.

His hair slightly covered his face and I wanted to brush it aside, to feel his soft skin and his warmth. The tingling in my stomach should spread throughout my whole body, I wanted to perceive this feeling. His hair I wanted to stroke, his cheeks I wanted to touch, his lips I wanted to feel on mine. His hand, which was only a few centimeters away from mine, I wanted to hold, to caress it too. I wanted to touch and feel every part of his face, I wanted to know how he felt.

Did he feel the same as he looked? Were his lips as soft as they always seemed? Or were they perhaps even softer? Could I take his whole face in my two hands or would they be too small for that? How did it feel to kiss his forehead, his cheeks, his lips?

His body moved gently to the side. He didn't take his eyes off of me as he rested his head on his right arm and let his other hand rest between us. I felt his leg touch mine, gently and carefully. I leaned further towards him without noticing and adjusted my lying position to his. Still lying on my back, I could look at him more easily now. He was so close. My eyes couldn't tear themselves away from his lips, so soft and tender.

I heard the sheets rustle slightly, his hand moving towards me. I felt his soft fingers on my lower chin, slowly and tenderly stroking along my jaw. I was aware of each of his fingertips, leaving a tingling sensation in the places his fingers touched.

His touches gave me goosebumps, a war between cold and heat ignited in my body. I was getting hotter and hotter and at the same time he was constantly triggering waves of cold in me. My body was going crazy right now and the only thing Yeonjun was doing was touching me, feeling me.

His fingertips brushed a strand behind my ear, quietly and gently and lovingly. He touched the tip of my ear briefly and then continued to explore my hair. He walked along my hair strands like signposts and at the same time I was now aware of his thumb, which had only just arrived at my jaw. His other fingers stayed further behind my ear and made themselves comfortable there. His thumb went no further than my ear.

He now let his hand rest on the back of my neck and began to explore my cheek. Tenderly he stroked his thumb up to my cheekbone, then down to my cheek and then back along my jaw.

His lightly tickling touches were all I could think about. I enjoyed the feeling he was giving me. A feeling of fullness, warmth, the tingling I wanted to feel so badly. It invaded me from top to bottom, everywhere. I wanted more. More touch, more of that tingle, more of him.

His eyes looked for mine, curiously searching everything he could find. When he was done, his gaze wandered to his next target. He looked at my cheek and how his thumb gently stroked it incessantly.

I concentrated on his expression, wanting to know what he was thinking, but all I found was curiosity. Curiosity about the color of my eyes, curiosity about how my skin felt, curiosity about how soft my hair was.

Yeonjun traced his thumb in focus, watching where it went next. Carefully, it wandered to the corner of my mouth and continued its path to my upper lip. His thumb nestled carefully against my lip and ran along it curiously, then turned, brushing tenderly over the corner of my left mouth and exploring my lower lip.

Now he slowed down with his movements, enjoying the feel of my soft lower lip. I saw more than curiosity in his gaze and as I continued to look, I noticed Yeonjun lightly biting his lower lip as he eagerly examined mine. I had to smile slightly whereupon Yeonjun took his gaze off my lips and looked back into my eyes.

"Your lips are dry." He breathed muffled. Hearing his voice intensified the hot feeling tremendously. He placed his thumb against my cheek again and paused.

Then, after averting his gaze from mine and resting it on my lips again, he rose above me, his left hand still gently holding my face, and pressed his soft lips on mine. If there had been a war between coldness and warmth in my body before, it was brought to a halt by a huge explosion of emotions.

The only things I felt were his incredibly soft lips and the tingling that shot like a rush from my chest up to my throat. My inner war of emotions was over and what was left was a prolonged surge of happiness that turned the tingling into a full, massive tremor.

I felt everything at once and yet could not turn away from the feel of his tender, full lips. His hand gently held my face, his thumb delicately caressing my cheek as he did so, and I could feel his weight on me. My right hand, resting on my stomach, lightly felt the fabric of his sweatshirt and could sense every little movement he made.

I didn't dare move so I just stayed still. Concentrated only on the movement of his lips. First he kissed my upper lip discreetly with a little pressure and then nuzzled my lower lip on which he again applied a little pressure.

He kissed every nook and cranny carefully and delicately. Each time, I was overwhelmed by soft, gentle, moist lips that brought me into a kind of trance. Every time he pressed his lips to mine it felt like he was really enjoying it and wanted to taste more and more of me. Again and again and again my lips were joined to his and all I could do was move to his rhythm.

Because just like him, I wanted to feel his lips on mine more and more.

Chapter Text

As much as I wanted this moment to last longer, I had to come to terms with the fact that his lips were no longer on mine. When Yeonjun broke away from me, he stayed above me for a few seconds to look at the area he had just moistened with his lips. A proud grin formed on his lips.

"They're not dry anymore." He breathed, continuing to bite his lower lip with a grin.

He fell back onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling again. My right cheek felt the cold spread there after he released his hand from it and the rest of my body also reduced the hot feeling that had overtaken me moments before. It took my head a while to realize what this kiss was for.

I pressed my lips together and noticed how wet they had become. Was this just an excuse to kiss me or had my previously dry lips really bothered him that much? No matter which of these was the truth, but I was more than pleased with what had just happened.

"Have I left you speechless?" He asked, and I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"What do you want me to say to that?" I asked, slightly perplexed.

"I don't know. 'Thank you'?"

"Why 'thank you'?"

"Thank you for making me wet your lips."

"You kissed them."

"That's correct." We fell silent again. From my vantage point, I could see him smiling on and on, and I was right next to him, completely out of it.

"Do the fish see this kind of thing more often? The way you wet people's lips." I described it as obscenely as he did. Yeonjun's gaze swung over to the fighting fish, who were calmly swimming through their own little world.

"I don't know if they're interested in who I'm wetting the lips of."

"After all, I asked the question, not the fish." I mentioned, not daring to look at his face.

"Sometimes. When Kai is babbling pointless stuff again, going on and on and wouldn't stop. Or when Beomgyu is sad." He then answered my question. So the kiss was just friendly? If he does the same with his other friends, what makes it different with me?

"I see." I replied and said nothing more, the feeling of emptiness spreading through my body.

Silence spread through the room again and it swelled into a crushing loneliness that made me incredibly uncomfortable. I didn't like the aftermath of the kiss at all. I had the desire to go home and I felt terrible even thinking that.

I felt the back of Yeonjun's hand brush against my fingers and he thoughtfully placed his hand on mine. I didn't back away or do anything about it. I just let it happen. His fingers slid between mine and he intertwined our hands as if he sensed I was uncomfortable.

"I want to meet up with you next week." He said. We both looked at the ceiling together and stayed in that position, lying next to each other, hands intertwined.

"I can't until 4 pm." I replied monotonously.

"Why?"

"Work."

"Didn't you get fired?"

"No, I resigned." I corrected him honestly. He frowned in confusion.

"Kai had mentioned that you only worked there for three weeks."

"That's right."

"So you never got your salary? Then what about the rent on your flat? How are you going to pay it then?" He asked me, puzzled.

"My parents pay for the rent and everything else until I earn my own money for a while." I explained to him.

"The only problem is that I have to pay for my own food and other things." I added, really thinking about how I was going to manage until next month. I didn't want to ask my parents for money. Then I would have to explain to them somehow that I had quit my job just like that.

"I can bring you food over." Yeonjun then suddenly said and I tilted my head in his direction.

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to." He objected firmly and I left it at that.

"Where are you working now?"

"At Le Cafe."

"Oh!" Was all he said. Yeonjun lightly squeezed my hand, which he held clasped, and I could feel his excitement.

"I'll pick you up there at 4pm then."

My heart raced again as he was going to do exactly what I had wished for. I tried not to let my joy show but that statement didn't let me lie still anymore.

"Okay." I just returned, sounding far too shaky. Yeonjun, however, just laughed meekly, amused by how he was affecting me.

"And what day?"

"Wednesday."

"Wednesday?"

"Yes, Wednesday. I just told you."

Wednesday it was. I was excited, couldn't wait until Wednesday but then I noticed that Yeonjun was just lying next to me holding my hand. I didn't have to wait until Wednesday to see him again as I was lying on his bed right now, inches away from his face. I wonder if he will kiss me again on Wednesday. Should I make sure my lips were extra dry?

"Isn't it totally unsatisfying to kiss dry lips?" I asked then, not even thinking about the consequences.

"No, not at all."

I heard a jingle from the other side of his bedroom door, a key. I listened to what was going on and recognised several people coming in the front door.

"Yeonjun? Are you there?" I heard a female voice call out, apparently his mother.

"Did you take my car again, Yeonjun?! When I get my hands on you!" A male voice yelled even louder than his mother.

"Shit." Yeonjun hissed, getting up from his bed in a flash, abruptly letting go of my hand. He quickly sprinted to his room door and locked it quickly, then turned to me, his hand still holding the door handle, and looked around intently.

"This isn't your car at all?" I asked him, starting to panic too even though I wasn't even the one who would get in trouble. Mind you, I don't know if Yeonjun's parents aren't a bit more extreme than Beomgyu's father, who acted like he was almost at my throat as well.

"Yes, it is." Was all he said, picking up my shoes from the floor, which were still lingering by the door, and sprinting to his window, which he then tore open.

"He only says it's his because he bought it himself. Doesn't understand, though, that things given away then belong to the recipient." He explained the situation, looking out the open window.

"Come here." He instructed in a soothing tone and looked at me. I slid to the other side of the bed where Yeonjun had been a few seconds ago and then stood directly in front of him on both feet. He pressed my shoes into my hands and led me lightly to the window.

"Do you want me to jump down there?!"

"Don't worry, I won't leave you alone in the dark."

"That's not what I meant at all!"

The panic in my body continued to rise and the only thing that stopped me from completely freaking out was Yeonjun's hand on my back. A loud pounding was heard against the door of the room, the handle moved tumultuously and Yeonjun's father shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Open the fucking door, Yeonjun!"

Yeonjun released his gaze from the door and looked at me again, now with a pleading expression.

"If you don't get out the window now, it'll be the last time I wet your lips." He then threatened and I relented. As I climbed out of the window I felt Yeonjun holding me, making sure I didn't accidentally jump down earlier than I should.

Chapter Text

I arrived at the ground and felt the small stones on the ground digging into my feet, as I didn't have time to put on my shoes and therefore had to jump out of the window with only socks on. I made a slightly pained face, went back up from my crouch and rubbed my hands on my trousers.

Bouncing on one leg at a time, I then put my shoes back on hurriedly, meanwhile getting used to the darkness that surrounded me. The moon gave me some light, but I could only make out where I was with a lot of effort. After a while, I heard Yeonjun come down beside me on the ground. He stood up again and looked up at the window of his room.

My legs led me carefully to Yeonjun and when I was close enough to him, I tapped his arm. Yeonjun then turned his body towards me and held onto my arms, but continued to peer in at his fully lit room.

"Is everything okay?" He then asked me after turning away from the window for a moment.

"Yes-." My sentence was interrupted by Yeonjun's father forcibly opening the door to the room and storming into it.

"Fuck. Come on." He rushed and we ran away. I didn't know exactly where we were running to, mainly because it was pitch black and I couldn't see anything, but also because I only knew that we were behind the apartment buildings and nothing more.

I kept my eyes on Yeonjun's shoes because he was the only one who knew where we were going and the only one I could see faintly in the dark. I was so careful not to lose sight of him that I already perceived him as part of the darkness and then, when he suddenly stopped running, I ran straight into his back and we both stopped moving.

"Ouch, sorry. I'm not so good with the dark."

"I can feel that." He groaned painfully and turned to face me. I looked at him apologetically, but he probably couldn't see it anyway.

After he got used to the pain in his back, he took my hand in his warm one and then walked with me at walking pace to the nearest streetlight. By the time we were standing under it, I could see Yeonjun clearly again. He then let go of my hand and scratched the back of his head absentmindedly, looking off into the distance.

"Well, I'm having a hard time getting the car keys now. Driving you home is probably not going to work."

"Is that why you told me to take my shoes to your room? In case we might have to escape out of your window?" I interrupted his train of thought, slightly annoyed by the constant running away.

"Among other things."

"And what would be the other thing?"

Now he looked at my face and noticed how pissed off I was by the action. His posture was casual, bracing his left hand on his hip and looking at me with a composed expression.

"In case your parents find out you have someone over? Are you afraid your parents will find out who you hang out with and then think they're a bad influence for you? Because if that's the case, I can assure you that I'm not the bad influence and definitely you're the one who makes a good bad influence, if you know what I mean. Or is it because-"

Yeonjun interrupted my annoying questioning by quickly placing his lips on mine after he sighed in annoyance. Another explosion of mixed feelings of happiness overwhelmed me and I couldn't think straight. His hands were placed on my cheeks and they were so warm. Why were his hands so warm? Again I felt his soft lips but I knew that this kiss would not last as long as the first.

Yeonjun moved away from me again, letting his hands fall from my cheeks and looking into my eyes warily.

"Now will you please be quiet for a second?" He asked me, waiting for a reaction. I just nodded disoriented, still stunned by the sudden kiss. Yeonjun exhaled once briefly and looked around thoughtfully again.

"There's a bus stop near here. The last one should be here in 15 minutes." He informed me.

"Then you can go home."

"Wait, you're not coming? You just escaped out your window from your father and now you're about to walk through the front door like nothing happened?"

"I'll think of something." Was all he said.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't understand him. Yeonjun is always doing random things that do not make sense, and he's far too relaxed about these things to think about the consequences.

Actually, I shouldn't be standing with him under a streetlight surrounded by darkness right now. What if he turns out to be a psychopath or something?

"What's your little brain thinking now?" Yeonjun sighed between my thoughts as he caught me staring again.

"That you sound like an asshole when you're stressed."

"I'm sorry." He said sincerely. Now I was the one sighing.

"Ok, I'll take the bus home then. Where's the bus stop?"

"I'll take you there." He just said and remained silent after that.

We were on our way to the bus stop, walking along the side of the road with Yeonjun leading the way in front. He didn't say anything or turn to me once the whole time we were walking. I wondered if he was angry with me again or just had nothing to say but this distance between us at the moment was uncomfortable and I wanted it to stop.

I caught up with him with quick steps and walked beside him.

"Did I say something wrong or why aren't you saying anything?" I asked him then and Yeonjun frowned in confusion.

"I thought I said something wrong."

Now we were both frowning in confusion. Good communication I would say.

"You didn't say anything wrong."

"Neither did you."

"Then all is well between us."

"Looks like it."

The issue was then settled so to speak but why didn't it feel that way? It also failed to close the distance between us. I thought about how best to get him to talk because apart from the distance between us being quite unnerving, walking to a bus stop in the dark scared me.

"I think in honor of my first plant in my flat, the cactus needs a name. Do you have any ideas?"

"Franzi."

"Franzi?" Yeonjun nodded, looking forward. An unusual name for a cactus but what did I expect from someone who names his fish "Fish".

"And why Franzi?"

"It's my cousin's name."

"The cousin you beat up with a skateboard?"

Now he averted his eyes from the road and looked at me. He narrowed his eyes slightly and eyed me strained.

"Yes. That cousin."

"Is she really as annoying as Beomgyu said?"

"Otherwise I wouldn't have wanted to slay her, would I?"

"That's a matter of opinion I'd say."

Yeonjun gave a short, light snort and had a small grin on his face.

"Is that her nickname?"

"That's her foreign name. Her actual name is Pyeongwha." He snorted disdainfully.

"Her parents gave her that name because it translates to 'peace' but she's anything but peaceful, that little brat."

"Sounds like a good relationship you two have with each other." I snapped wryly, amused by the way Yeonjun spoke about his cousin.

"Well, I'd still rather live with her than with my parents."

We reached the bus stop and sat down on the bench to wait for the bus, which was due to arrive in about three minutes. The distance to here felt like an eternity but at the same time it felt like two seconds it took us to get to the bus stop.

Waiting for a bus at a deserted bus stop in the middle of nowhere was pretty terrifying when I think about it. It felt like that one Spongebob episode. If we didn't catch the last bus now, there would be no other way to get home but to walk.

Yeonjun could calmly wander back to his home, he would run into his now angry parents, but at least he wouldn't have to traipse to his flat in the dark for an hour. Or maybe he was mistaken and the last bus had already passed?

The stinging feeling of fear that came up now didn't make the situation any better and tapping my feet on the ground didn't reduce the uncomfortable feeling either.

I played shakily with my fingers and stared spellbound at the road to concentrate on one thing. I memorized the places where I felt the unpleasant sensation, upper arms and chest and thighs, and tried to suppress it. Yeonjun put a hand on my thigh, indicating that I should stop fidgeting.

I looked up at Yeonjun and was able to look at his handsome side profile again.

"I'll just crash at Soobin's place. His university isn't far from your place and it's easy to get there by bus."

"Is he even still awake?"

Yeonjun put on a puzzled expression at my statement.

"He's a college student. He never sleeps."

"Oh yeah." I just agreed.

I continued to look at Yeonjun's face and could feel his thumb gently stroking my leg. Goosebumps spread through me and rose up to my head. Instead of focusing on the possible negative scenarios that could happen if the bus came now or not, I just stared at Yeonjun and told myself that everything would be fine when I am with him. Or not, but at least I wouldn't be alone in this. I thought about how I would like to touch his hair right now. Or his soft looking cheeks. Or his hand on my leg.

"Are you going to be grounded when you go back to your place?" I asked him in fear that we wouldn't be able to meet next Wednesday because of this. Yeonjun laughed in amusement.

"I'm twenty, Evie. I can come and go whenever I want."

Visibly amused by my constant stupid statements, he looked at my face and smiled broadly. I had to start laughing at that too and smiled amusedly at him.

"You probably realise now how stupid that just sounded, don't you?" He laughed, now seeming more cheerful than before.

"Man, what do I know. I don't know what your parents are like."

"Well my dad would rather take away my car keys right now but he already did that a few weeks ago. What he doesn't know is that I have a spare key for the car and thank God he hasn't found that one yet."

That explains why he hid his car key behind a dresser when we entered his home.

"How old are you anyway?" He then changed the subject.

"19."

"So you're younger than me." He gloated at me.

"What are you looking at?"

"I'm older than you, so you should talk to me less condescending and have more respect for me."

I looked at him in shock and couldn't believe he had just said that.

"You jump out of windows at night, you don't listen to your parents and you steal money, your respect to others is reduced to the minimum and so is my respect to you."

I looked at him confidently, after my disrespectful statement, and watched Yeonjun grinning as he bit his lower lip and looked at me in delight.

"Well spotted." He then just agreed with me and ran his hand, which was just resting on my leg, through his black hair. I watched him and could already hear the bus from afar that was to take me home.

Chapter Text

[31. August 2022]

It was Wednesday afternoon, I was standing behind the counter of the café where I had been working since Monday, watching Kai talking to a customer.

Considering that I had only been working here for three days, I liked it better than my old job. The owner, unlike my old boss, was not an asshole and was actually quite nice.

Yesterday he had bought Kai and me a coffee and even though I didn't really drink coffee, I drank it anyway out of joy that I finally had no bad luck in life for once. To my further good fortune, the coffee wasn't bad at all and I strongly considered buying my own coffee machine at some point, but at the moment I had limited money and could only afford coffee filters at best.

I was also quite happy to have someone I knew (and liked) directly as a co-worker. This made the work less nerve-racking and boring, especially because Kai always did his work with such an encouraging face.

Normally, I knew him as the quiet colleague who always looked like he was about to pull out his baseball bat and kill everyone. Now he always seemed cheerful at work, welcoming everyone with a big smile and laughing much more often at the customers' or the boss' jokes (which were actually quite funny).

His positivity filled the cafe every day and for the first time I really enjoyed and felt like going to work. I hoped it could go on like this forever with my not-so-terrible job and my not-so-terrible co-worker. I wished that very much.

"Ah excuse me, I'll get you your coffee right away!" I heard Kai apologize to the customer and take the drink he had put down earlier back with him. He turned to the counter and looked at me with an embarrassed smirk.

"What did you do?" I asked him curiously, smiling slightly amused.

"Gave the customer hot chocolate."

"We don't even have one customer in the café right now, who ordered hot chocolate." I explained, gesturing slightly to all the customers currently in the café. Kai just grinned awkwardly and put the hot chocolate down on the countertop.

"I know. I wanted the hot chocolate."

I laughed at the thought that Kai was so fixated on wanting a hot chocolate that instead of thinking about the customer's order, he had thought about his own. Kai just scratched the back of his head in embarrassment, sipping the hot chocolate that now had to be disposed of somehow.

"You make the coffee, I'm busy here right now disposing of the leftovers."

"What a poor excuse."

I turned away from the till and turned to the coffee machine which was directly behind me. From the top shelf, I took out a white cup and placed it under the coffee machine. Then I took the sieve out of the machine and filled it with coffee powder, then pushed it back into place and pressed the start button. I watched the coffee machine as it pushed the hot water through the strainer and a nice smelling brown liquid was poured into the cup.

My eyes briefly turned to the order board, looking for the customer's order. While the coffee machine went about its business, I reached for the sugar container and placed it near me. The coffee was almost done brewing when I heard Kai call out a familiar name.

"Yeonjun! Are you coming to see me?"

I turned my head slightly to the side and caught sight of his shiny black hair in the doorway, and could see from my distance that his lips gleamed brilliantly. I cautiously turned back to the coffee machine and noticed that it stopped pouring coffee into the cup. As I continued to work on the order, I listened to Kai's and Yeonjun's conversation.

"No, the fuck I don't. I didn't even know you worked here."

"Oh, you know that Eve works here but you don't know your best friend works here? Really biased." Kai said in a huff. I dumped the sugar into the coffee and got a small spoon from the cutlery drawer.

"How should I know? If you don't tell me?"

I made my way over to the customer, who had been waiting far too long for her coffee, and placed it on the table for her.

"Sorry again about the long wait."

"That's okay, everyone makes mistakes." She replied, smiling politely. I happily went back behind the counter and smiled to myself in response to the customer's reply. When I reached the cash register, I then turned to Yeonjun, who was standing expectantly leaning against the counter.

"You're an hour early."

"First I'm late and now I'm early. Always something wrong with me." He looked at me with a grin, suddenly looking incredibly cute.

"I'll wait then. I'd order a coffee then if I have to hang around here for another hour."

I swallowed hard and continued to stare at his charismatic smile.

"Don't forget to blink." He reminded me and I quickly turned to the cash register. Yeonjun casually pulled his wallet out of his pocket and paid for his coffee, then sat down at the table directly opposite the counter and watched me from there.

His presence, as well as his gaze lingering on me, made me nervous and I was glad that having turned towards the coffee machine, I no longer had to look at him. But before I could even get near the machine, Kai jumped in and took it himself for use.

"I can take care of that so you'll have more time to yourselves." He grinned sardonically.

"You bastard." I just whispered to him and a minimal panic came over me. Yeonjun said nothing to the action, just stared at me with his beautiful eyes, looking like a model as well.

I slowly strolled back to the cash register and rested my arms comfortably on the counter. Avoiding eye contact with Yeonjun, I looked out into the street and watched the passers-by walking past the café. I imagined them all disappearing from my view and how the moving cars all ceased to exist and everything outside the café was empty and still.

My eyes briefly glanced over at Yeonjun who, to my dismay, was still stubbornly staring at me like I was a blackboard or something. I wanted to call him on it but that would just end up making me a fool again because of the constant annoying statements he always had at the ready.

Maybe Yeonjun would stop staring at me when he finally got his fucking coffee. My gaze wandered to Kai, who was about to almost kiss the coffee machine, the way he was leaning forward towards it. The sight just made me sigh and I turned back to Yeonjun, not wanting to have to watch this anymore.

Still that look, watchful and expectant. I always wondered what he wanted so badly from me when he had that look on his face. I also wondered if he was wearing lip gloss or something. Maybe his lips were just moisturized or something. Nevertheless, I would like to find out. Preferably right now.

Kai made his way over to Yeonjun to bring him his hot coffee, who had just a moment ago been engaged in an exciting flirtation with Kai.

"Here, your coffee."

"You deflowered my coffee." Yeonjun said, not touching the cup and just looking at Kai's face in horror.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Yeonjun?"

"You were halfway in the cup with your face when you made my coffee! Right, Evie?"

They both looked in my direction and I just nodded in agreement.

"Fuck you, guys." Was all Kai said and went back to his hot chocolate, which he continued to sip with relish. Yeonjun smiled over at me in amusement and I couldn't help but smile just as amused.

For a brief moment I thought that my head had just made it up. A little voice in my head that sometimes blurts out random words and then disappears again very quickly. Or it was my reaction to the way he smiled with his round cheeks, his bright eyes and his lips that narrowed slightly. The warmth in my cheeks and chest and whole body, however, informed me that it was not my head that uttered the word "Cute." but Yeonjun.

My gaze fell on the counter and my inner voice couldn't keep its damn mouth shut. All I could hear from my right was a loud, penetrating slurp and when I looked over at Kai, he was looking at the two of us innocently.

"Just ignore me. Me and the other people in this room are not there at all."

I threw him an irritated look, but Kai just kept smirking to himself.

"Believe me, if I could I would rather do it in a more private place."

Would he?

"Would you?" Kai inquired, a little disgusted. Yeonjun ignored his question and instead took a satisfied sip of his coffee while turning his gaze to me and smiling to himself. My tongue slid slowly over my lips, moistening them as I thought back to that night a week ago.

Would he kiss me again today? Or touch my cheek and examine it in detail with his fingers? Apparently our eyes had been locked for so long that Kai was getting tired of it.

"Ok, then I'll go to the storeroom and continue working there before I make a fool of myself standing next to you any longer and feeling like a fifth wheel. You don't believe me but unpacking boxes is more fun than you think!" He called out to us and then disappeared behind the door to the storage room.

"It's no fun at all, is it?"

"No. No, it isn't."

After half an hour it was then 4pm and I was finally able to take off my white apron, which I then stowed away in the storeroom. I stepped through the door back into the café and wandered my gaze around the room. I caught sight of Yeonjun putting down the cup he had been drinking his coffee from on the counter and went over to him.

When he caught sight of me too, he examined my long dungarees, which I wore together with a dark green turtleneck jumper, and smiled cutely at that. The contrast between my clothes and his black shirt, which he wore along with a pair of flashy-looking blue trousers, was unusually well-matched.

"What are you up to today?" I asked and he averted his eyes from my clothes.

"Shopping."

"Who goes shopping on a date?" I whispered and also regretted it just as quickly as I said it. Yeonjun grinned at my statement and I imagined him not standing in front of me now, having heard exactly what I had just said.

"A date then? Fine. But you still need food so you don't starve miserably for the next few weeks."

To this I could only smile sheepishly. As often as I brought about embarrassing situations, I wondered why I ever allowed any shame to set in. I swallowed my embarrassment and decided to stand my ground regardless of any embarrassment that might still occur and not let the condemning warmth come into my cheeks.

Chapter Text

One thing I had always wondered since I knew him was how Yeonjun did his shopping. Judging by his recent actions, I would guess that he either couldn't or wouldn't pay for his purchase. Perhaps more likely a combination of both where he realizes he has no money left in his account and decides to just steal because 'they won't miss it anyway'.

I didn't know how he would rob a supermarket of that size but I definitely wouldn't walk in with a shopping trolley as calmly as he just did. Well actually I wouldn't rob a supermarket at all in the first place as I would have a panic attack from the adrenaline alone, but hypothetically I wouldn't do it like that.

"Yeonjun?"

"Huh?"

"You're going to pay for the stuff, aren't you?" I asked, slightly unsure. He started laughing loudly, leaning forward on the handle of the shopping trolley and looking over at me with a big smile.

"You really don't trust me, do you?"

His laughter gave my body a tickling sensation. It made me happy to see him so amused, to my detriment as he was laughing at me but I still liked seeing him smile. Mostly because he looked incredibly cute scrunching up his nose like that, his cheekbones more prominent and his teeth showing.

Yeonjun let his gaze wander forward again, resolutely gripping the shopping trolley with both hands and coming back up from his serene stance, still smiling. Now, much more energetically than before, he pushed the trolley beside me while my eyes inspected the fruit and vegetable section.

"How much money do you have on you?"

"It doesn't matter."

I looked over at him, Yeonjun looked forward, totally indifferent and stood by his statement.

"You're not paying for this with the money you stole, are you?" I asked him now, a slight fear running through me.

"No, don't worry about that." He grinned slightly, amused by my concern. I watched his face for a while longer and when he made no sign that he was lying in any way, I left it at that and dropped my gaze from him.

"As long as I can pay it back, I guess it shouldn't matter."

I scratched the back of my head and calculated how much I would have left of my salary at the end of next month if I spent more of it than usual on food.

"Pack everything you need, I'm just pushing the shopping trolley here." Yeonjun smiled at me, trying in vain to wink.

The trolley gradually filled with groceries, all of which I carefully selected and inspected for its price. Yeonjun didn't seem to notice too much how uptight I was about what products I was choosing, but put every item in the trolley that I stared at for too long.

The same thing happened again in the dairy section when I held two different milk cartons in my hand and I couldn't decide which one to buy. Before I could even make a decision, Yeonjun grabbed the more expensive carton and threw it into the cart.

"Can you stop always throwing every item I touch into the trolley?"

"You're as slow as a granny, you don't need to make it any more sneaky than it already is."

"I have to pay it all back next month, I want to have some left over from my salary at the end." I commented sharply.

"Then don't pay it back."

I turned away from the shelf and looked perplexedly into Yeonjun's eyes.

"Are you serious?"

Yeonjun scrutinized my expression and realized that I thought his suggestion was a big bummer.

"Or you could just pay me back later, if that would make you feel better." His gaze lingered gently on me and I just nodded in response, a little stirred by his soft skin and prominent brows that I wanted to touch.

Getting my thoughts clear again, I instructed Yeonjun to look in the frozen food section for some groceries while I looked around for other essentials. After eyeing the shelf for a while, I grabbed a white package and inspected the description of the pads.

"They're not that good."

I jumped up at his comment and grabbed my heart in panic.

"Holy shit, Yeonjun!"

I tried to bring my pulse back to normal, clutching at the soft packaging.

"These are not so absorbent, use these instead." He continued, grabbing a green pack of pads from the shelf a little higher up and handing it to me. Slightly confused, I took the pack and put the other one back on the shelf on top of it.

"How do you know so much about pads?" I asked hesitantly. Yeonjun strolled leisurely back to the trolley and my gaze still watched him confusedly, holding the pads awkwardly in his hand.

"I have a cousin, remember?"

"And you're talking about pads?"

"No, she's talking about pads. I just wanted to use the toilet."

A laugh came up my throat and I threw the green wrapper into the cart with me, noticing all the frozen food Yeonjun had put in the cart. I spared my statement about the mountain of frozen items and ignored them instead.

"Do you see each other often?" I tried to inquire further about his cousin.

"We used to. Not anymore." He replied in a slightly gloomy voice.

"When before?"

"Before, like two years ago."

"How often did you used to meet her?"

Yeonjun put on a thoughtful expression while continuing to push the shopping trolley in front of him.

"Almost every week? We went to the same school but now she lives in America."

Another shopping trolley came towards us and I had to move closer to Yeonjun because of the narrow aisle. I felt our arms squeeze together, my gaze staying focused on the groceries in our cart.

"Were you going to stay with your cousin then, if you all ran off together?"

As the oncoming traffic cleared again, I distanced myself from Yeonjun slightly only to look him in the eye.

"Yes." He replied shortly, continuing to look straight ahead without making eye contact with me. He took a deep breath and started talking again.

"It was all planned up to this point. We would raise money to fly to America and then stay with my cousin for a while until we could afford our own place."

His hands gripped tighter around the shopping trolley and tightened unmistakably. His expression still seemed calm and composed despite all this, but I could tell from his tense posture that the subject still infuriated him. I wanted to change the subject, but knowing that was important to me.

"Do you ever visit your cousin?" Yeonjun laughed mockingly.

"You think my parents would let me come to America after this?"

"Does she come to visit you then, if you're already not allowed to leave the country?"

He remained silent. Apparently, no. I dropped the subject and we made our way to the checkout.

I remembered what Beomgyu had said about Yeonjun and Sunoo's relationship with each other. If Sunoo really got along best with Yeonjun, I can understand why he of all people still couldn't handle what Sunoo did. While the others are coming to terms with it and are gradually able to talk about it freely, Yeonjun is still pretty secretive about the whole thing.

Except for Taehyun, who doesn't want to talk about this at all. He completely shuts himself off from reality and acts as if nothing happened at all. But I think with a little more time, he could also come to terms with the truth and then only Yeonjun would be left, who would rather rob a bank than talk about his past.

My curiosity about how he really feels about Sunoo's deed overcame me more and more every time I was with Yeonjun. He is like a closed book and I could only read the description on the back. I don't know what to do to open the book, he closes it on purpose and only shows me what he wants to show. I don't know if it's just his nature to be so distant or if it's me who doesn't want to reveal anything either.

Chapter Text

After we had brought the shopping bags to my flat and put the groceries on the kitchen shelf, Yeonjun insisted on going back to the abandoned swimming pool. I didn't object mainly because I didn't care where we went as long as I was with him.

He told me more about the retreat he had built with the other boys. They found the place four years ago when Yeonjun once again ran away from his parents. He ran up to this abandoned settlement and discovered the empty building at the edge of it.

They decided to make the pool their second home and come here whenever one of them was stressed or didn't want to be home. They spent every summer there and then were usually never home. Yeonjun explained that for Beomgyu and him in particular, it was the perfect place to be left alone.

Since Kai had usually made enemies unintentionally during his school days, it was also a good place to hide and go underground or to store his baseball bats.

Talking about not doing that stuff often...

He had probably used his baseball skills several times for other things than he had told me before. That liar.

Taehyun and Soobin often used the shelter to do their homework or just to hang out with their friends. This place was only known by the five of them including Sunoo, and me now.

I wondered if Yeonjun also brought other people here that he had kissed before. Maybe this whole thing wasn't special because he brings every person here anyway to show them all this. Or maybe I was the only other person apart from Sunoo who had the privilege of seeing this.

The place looked very different this time, because I had only seen it in the dark before and now it was broad daylight. Everything seemed so empty and gloomy, it was almost depressing.

I could now also see the empty buildings better from here, all standing behind several trees, a few meters away from the large square. They were all coloured a light pink and white.

I couldn't focus any further on the surroundings because Yeonjun interrupted me and called my name.

"Evie!"

The name always gave me goosebumps when he said it and I wished he would never stop calling me that.

Yeonjun had walked ahead while I was surveying the place and was now standing a few meters away from his car. Still standing next to his car, I walked towards him and he welcomed me with a broad smile.

"Is there anything you want to show me or why are you standing there like that?" I asked him, wondering why we didn't go to the swimming pool.

Yeonjun, however, just grinned brightly and gently put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me in front of him. Now standing in front of him with my back turned, I looked ahead at the green mountains and in front of them a small settlement of trees.

"Don't turn around." He spoke softly, letting his hands fall from my shoulders. I nodded haltingly, hoping he wouldn't just leave me standing here now.

"Listen carefully." He whispered from behind me. I focused on the surroundings again, but now only on the sounds it made.

The trees in front of me blew gently in the wind, which was warm and barely there today. I heard the leaves moving and touching each other. The rustling from the front, from the left and from the right hit me like rain hitting the ground.

I heard the wind whizzing past me like cars on a motorway. The wind that moved everywhere, to the buildings further away from us, to the mountains directly in front of me, to the swimming pool directly behind me and between Yeonjun and myself.

I breathed in deeply, enjoying the smell of the refreshing air that surrounded us. Light and alive it felt, clinging to my skin, brushing lightly against it. My hair tickled my cheek, but I couldn't bring myself to move and brush it from my face. I didn't care.

I continued to listen and listened to the birds talking to each other. The chirping that entered into an interplay with the many cicadas that chirped harmoniously in time. It sounded as if we were standing in the middle of a choir that this place was playing just for us.

It was a bit chilly, but that didn't stop me from listening to the songs of this place, which easily put me into a kind of trance. However, I wasn't sure if that was what Yeonjun meant I should listen to.

"What exactly am I supposed to be listening for?" I asked quietly, noticing a slight tremor in my voice.

I heard the pebbles crunching on the ground and footsteps slowly approaching me. As I had promised Yeonjun, I did not turn around and stood still, not moving a muscle.

"At my voice." He breathed against my left ear and I only now felt how close he had come. I heard his voice clearly, very close to me, brushing against my skin, every single word, every syllable. He was standing right behind me, my shoulders brushing his torso, his legs anchored between mine, his hands...

He distanced himself from my left ear and moved to my right. I felt his face coming closer and closer to me, feeling his warmth and his breath breathing against my neck.

"To every single word I say." He continued to speak into my right ear and I felt goosebumps rise inside me. I shifted my weight to my other foot and strained to continue standing straight. Yeonjun pressed his face lightly into my hair, breathing in their scent.

Now I felt his hands lightly tapping my waist. I felt each finger resting on me. My breath became more shaky and I now had no desire to turn around. His fingers moved closer, leaving a pleasant warmth that burned into my skin. My pulse increased and became faster and harder to control with every touch.

Furthermore, I felt his soft lips on the tip of my right ear, every tiny touch so clear I couldn't possibly miss it. The heels of his hands traveled along the same path as his fingers before, almost meeting.

He exerted a light pressure with his hands so that I felt every little movement and I got goosebumps every time. Each time I was flooded by the renewed war between warm and cold. A war that no one could win, because it always ends with a crackling explosion of happiness. I just don't know what will cause the explosion. Will he kiss me again? Shower me with his full, soft lips and wet my lips like last time?

My thoughts were interrupted by another wave of trembling around my stomach. Mixed feelings sprouted from the place he encircled with his hands and it felt like I couldn't breathe. But it felt good, very good.

The air outside was getting fresher but I noticed this only slightly as my body was just going crazy from overheating. Yeonjun continued to guide his hands to my center and when they finally arrived, he pulled me into a tight hug.

This whole process was like in slow motion but in reality I think it was at normal speed where he hugged my waist tightly and pulled me closer to him. His face continued to linger on my right ear, listening carefully to my breathing and him breathing in the same rhythm as me.

My legs felt like jello and I couldn't tell if my belly ached because I was hungry or because I was totally overwhelmed with all this touching. He kept rubbing his nose into my hair and I could feel his warm arms against mine. I didn't know where to put my hands and to be honest, I was too busy trying not to fall over than to think about what to do with my hands now.

Everything about him was so warm and smooth. Imperceptibly, I lifted my hands and stroked down his arms to his hands. I felt the rings on his fingers, the only ones that were cold. I felt the pattern engraved on them, memorizing every detail so I could recognise them next time. His grip tightened around my waist and now he too shifted his weight unmistakably.

"Do you feel comfortable?" He breathed into my ear after a long silence and I was surprised that I managed to nod.

A noticeable smile formed around his lips, which I could feel close to my head. My emotions were getting out of control and my body was trying to bring them back into balance by either crying or laughing now. My first impulse was to laugh softly, which I did.

I took another deep breath and smiled happily to myself, meanwhile looking at the small forest in front of me, serenely swaying back and forth as if they themselves were happy to be standing next to each other with the other trees.

I was glad I had my back to Yeonjun, because I didn't want him to see me start crying as well for such a stupid reason. The tickle of the single tear running down my cheek made me bring my hand to my cheek in a fast movement and quickly wipe it away.

It was the first time I felt truly happy and that was only because Yeonjun hugged me from behind and asked me if I was feeling well.

It was more than just a gesture, more than just a question and more than just a kiss, I knew. And I knew I wanted more, more with him, more of everything. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again, feel them, taste them. The heart fluttering was not going to stop, the tickling in my belly was not going to end, the war between warm and cold was going to go on forever.

I took another deep breath and tried to control my emotions, though in vain.

"Am I driving you crazy?" There was no mistaking his grin.

"Yes. Very." I answered honestly and I wasn't embarrassed this time.

Yeonjun broke away from the hug and took a few steps back. I finally turned back to him and looked Yeonjun straight in the eyes, still dazed by the feelings I had just experienced on a significant scale. I scratched the back of my head thoughtfully and considered it strongly.

"Um. What was that you were about to do exactly?" I asked confusedly, wondering to myself what exactly I was trying to accomplish with that question.

"That was a hug just now. Never heard of that?" He teased, amused at my absentminded behavior. I looked at him with a furrowed brow, not knowing what to do now. Yeonjun was laughing even harder now.

"Man, you're really messed up."

He paused a little between his sentence to look deeply into my eyes.

"I should do this more often."

"Yeah, you should." I blurted out honestly again.

Yeonjun grinned proudly at me, but I couldn't bring myself to smile or I would start crying again. My head was too overwhelmed by the overflow of emotions to bring a smile to my face now.

Chapter Text

As I looked at him I felt a small desire arise. His soft hair shone in the daylight, his lips appeared even more pink-glowing than before in the café and his eyes glittered at me expectantly. Did he want us to go to the swimming pool now? Or should I say something? But I didn't want to talk. I wanted to...

If you could say that my body had been fighting these unpredictable emotions to this point where it became clear that they had overtaken me and taken over my body and polluted my thoughts, then it would now become clear that I was not backing down from anything.

By the time my legs brought me to him and I let my hand brush his cheek until they found the right position and my other hand finally touched his waist, my mind was already elsewhere. My gaze lingered on just one thing and when my lips touched his, it felt like a meeting of old acquaintances.

I tried to control the heat that was spreading through my whole body, to not let it show. My hand on his cheek should feel every little fiber of his face. So soft. His skin was so soft. I moved my lips to a certain rhythm, simple somehow but it seemed to work because Yeonjun matched it and softly kissed my lower lip.

I felt his warm skin under his thin black shirt. Light muscles I could feel and I stroked my thumb back and forth to notice everything.

Something tickled my right arm and I noticed how Yeonjun let his hand brush against my skin. Slowly he stroked his fingers along my wrist, then gently up my forearm, applying light pressure, taking in every detail in his fingertips and fully concentrating on every movement he made.

My cheek received his other hand, which he placed there and gently stroked. I was beginning not to know what to pay most attention to, his warm hand on my cheek, his other brushing along my arm, or his soft, gentle, full lips exploring every corner of my lips. Maybe I should pay attention to my body, which pressed gently against his. All my senses blended into one, I could feel everything at once and couldn't decide where to focus all my attention on.

I heard the birds chirping, the wind rushing past us, felt his smooth, soft cheek; tasted his tender lips and breathed in his scent.

I let my left hand wander further into his hair, touching it, stroking through it, feeling it. His hair not only looked soft, it was soft and loose. My hand on the back of his head couldn't help but touch his hair to the tiniest degree. My thumb curiously stroked his hair and my fingers played around with it as if it were my own.

Our movement slowed and before our lips parted completely, Yeonjun pressed his lips delicately to mine again and then let go of me. We were still holding each other tightly, my hands now quietly lingering in their places. He had a calm expression on his face, his wide eyes making it seem as if he was slightly surprised by the kiss. Perhaps he was.

Neither of us said anything and just stared at each other, neither bothered in any way. I just thought about his handsome face, which felt just as smooth and soft as it looked.

His eyes wandered curiously down my face, from my eyes to my cheeks back to my lips. He placed his thumb on my lips just as he had last time and stroked them delicately and gently. My lips were moist from the kiss just now.

The same hand he had just touched my lips with now traced down my left arm to my hand, which was still hidden in his hair.

Gently he reached for it and released it from his hair so that he could look at my hand. With his thumb, he gently pushed my hand open and looked into my hand, on which small, light scars were marked.

"Does it still hurt?" He asked softly, stroking my palm gently. I shook my head to deny his question, always watching his face.

The way his lips moved when he spoke and his eyes looked so serene and calm as if he wasn't feeling an explosion in his body right now. His touch tickled my hand and I had to strain not to pull it out of his hand abruptly, instead I smiled a little tightly.

"That tickles." A small grin played around his lips.

"It does?" He was stroking my palm more tenderly now, making his touch tickle even more than before. He was clearly trying to tease me and if that wasn't enough of a reason to let go of him and quickly go to the pool, the embarrassing feeling that made me remember what I had just done came back.

I cleared my throat unmistakably and disengaged myself from the position the two of us were currently standing in, turned to the deserted hall directly behind Yeonjun and marched purposefully towards it.

If I knew Yeonjun enough, he would be looking behind me now with an amused grin, making fun of me. Apparently he was, because I heard a distant laugh coming from his direction, shouting something like "Plus points for daring!"

We sat on the slightly rusty racks behind the small pool and stared down at the water, which was still in the pool. Just like last time, Yeonjun had turned on the many lights that were scattered throughout the pool, glowing like a swarm of fireflies in the evening light.

The sun was slowly setting and I could once again observe the orange color spectacle that could be seen in the sky every evening. I just couldn't see much of it because the single, dirty mirrors that hadn't been broken in yet blocked the view and only revealed part of the sky to me.

I felt the urge to break the window panes to get a better view of the sunset and to get my chaotic emotions under control.

Yeonjun and I had been sitting here for a while now, talking about all sorts of things, all of which I can no longer list because there were so many different topics, and yet my body still couldn't manage to reduce these stupid, consistently exploding emotions.

For the time I was talking to Yeonjun, I had no problem repressing these feelings, but now that we were just sitting silently next to each other, just enjoying each other's presence, I felt the urge to climb back into the pool and plunge my head into the freezing water.

Maybe I should think of a topic to talk about with Yeonjun so that these feelings wouldn't tear me apart from the inside.

"Are you free this weekend?" Yeonjun asked me out of the blue and I was relieved that he had returned to the conversation.

"Yeah, why?" The thought of being with Yeonjun again (and in the same week too) gave me a tingly feeling in my stomach and I was too excited to think straight.

"The boys and I were going to have a sleepover at Beomgyu's place since his dad isn't home for the weekend, and as a new member of the loser gang, you're welcome to join our sleepover party!" I burst out laughing and was about to topple forward until I finally managed to save myself from falling into the water.

"'Loser gang', like you're all 12." I snorted out, unable to control my laughing fit. Yeonjun was now laughing along too, probably finding his joke even funnier now than before because I couldn't breathe properly from laughing.

"Please tell me that was a joke."

"Of course it was a joke. What do you always think of me?"

"I always think there must be something you're trying to compensate for with your looks." Yeonjun's smile widened and he looked so cute again.

"And that doesn't give you the idea that I'm a criminal in theory?"

"Not theoretically but practically." I corrected him and smiled over at him. His big grin didn't leave his face and I could guess why.

"So you're saying you find me to be above average in looks?"

I sighed recognisably without losing my smile and was about to reply "I'm saying that you drive me crazy with your beautiful hair and your beautiful nose and your beautiful eyes and your irresistible lips." but in the end I just said "Yup." which in that way didn't negate my actual point.

I looked back over at the windows I'd been dying to break a moment ago and thought about what he'd actually just said.

A sleepover. At Beomgyu's. Not just with Yeonjun but with everyone else. Together. Alone. I felt dizzy. It could only end badly, and not just because I'm an introvert but also because I avoid attending sleepover parties where I have to sleep in a room with people I've only known for a few weeks.

"You can sleep in a room for yourself, of course." Yeonjun said from the side.

"Can you read minds?" I asked him in confusion, wondering why he always saw through me so well, because it worried me.

"I just thought that's what was worrying you, since instead of accepting my invitation you just laughed at me." I smirked a little and had to think again about what a joke he had just cracked.

"Or if you want I can take you home if you don't want to sleep at Beomgyu's."

"No, it's fine. I don't mind." I assured him with a warm smile, meanwhile wondering if I really should sleep there.

Looking at Yeonjun's cheerful expression for a while made me forget the thought that was slowly eating me up, and I focused only on the here and now.

"So that's a yes?"

"Yes." I pronounced slyly, wanting to make sure he understood me correctly.

Maybe I couldn't forget the thought so easily after all.

Chapter Text

[3. September 2022]

The wall moved as if it were about to flow onto the floor and flood everything. If you stared at it longer, the wall even changed color from a light white to a light gray.

I waited for it to be time to go.

My eyes wandered to the clock hanging just above the door to the living room and deciphered the time. If I left now, I would arrive earlier than planned. I wanted to ride my bike, which had been rotting in the basement for several months, to Beomgyu's house, which was far enough away that I wouldn't think of walking there.

I usually took the bus, but I had already missed it, so my bike was the last resort to get there on time, but since it would definitely take me less than an hour to get from my place to Beomgyu's, I decided to sit on my bed for a few minutes and do nothing.

I was already so engrossed in waiting for it to be time to get my bike out of the basement, that I couldn't bring myself to turn on the TV or do anything else. My eyes glanced at the clock again and maybe it was time to put on my shoes now.

My body picked itself up from the bed and waddled over to the shoe cupboard, which was placed next to the front door.

While I was putting on my shoes, I thought about what was going to happen today. The last time I had met up with the rest of the group was last Thursday at the skatepark, where I had been slightly overwhelmed by the message Yeonjun hadn't written to me.

However, now that those miserable trains of thought from last week were settled, there shouldn't really be anything left for me to worry about. But then why did I feel like I was about to jump out of the window?

Was I excited to see Yeonjun? Was I confusing euphoria with fear again? Or were it other thoughts that had crept secretly into my head and would only emerge when it was already too late?

No matter how this feeling could be explained, what I knew was that it prevented me from lacing up my shoes properly. After concentrating more on my shoes and managing that too, I came up from my bent position and groaned slightly. I looked over at the clock again and realized that I had taken far too much time to lace up my shoes and was now minimally in a hurry.

The rusty cellar door opened with two simple turns of the cellar key. In front of me came my metallic blue bicycle, which had been there ever since I moved into this flat and was already making friends with the spiders. I freed it from the spider webs and pushed the bike backwards through the door, which I then closed again.

It felt unusual to hold a bike in my grip. Maybe it turned out that in the time I hadn't ridden it, I had forgotten how to ride a bike and now I'm totally lost like that time I forgot how to tie my shoes.

If that was the case, I would have to call Yeonjun and ask him to pick me up and I didn't know how to think about that.

The last thing I had said to him before closing the car door between us was "You don't have to pick me up, but thanks." so I'd definitely put myself in an awkward position with that and have to listen to a "I told you so.".

I'd rather learn how to ride a bike as soon as possible.

Once on top of my bike, I inspected the empty neighborhood where I lived and went over in my mind whether I had forgotten anything. When I couldn't think of anything, I got on my bike more properly and was about to ride off, when an icy cold air hit me.

I should have taken a jacket with me, why didn't I think of that? I spent the last few hours thinking about whether I should take anything else with me and went through the things I had packed several times to make sure I had everything important and then I forget something as stupid as a jacket.

My hand quickly reached for my phone, which was tucked away in one of my many trouser pockets, and opened the lock screen to look at the time. Actually, being late wouldn't be a bad thing but I've been so over-prepared to leave on time that I can't afford to put it off any longer now. If I just ignore the cold, it might not be so bad.

I decided not to make another quick sprint upstairs to get a jacket but just set off, hoping not to be swallowed up by the cold.

After riding my bike through the city for a few minutes, I realized that it would have been better to take a jacket with me. I could have just grabbed a jacket quickly and then just pedaled harder but I guess I found the icy cold more comfortable than the pain in my calves and to be honest the pain would have given me more warmth than the jacket.

So in summary, I was too careless with my decision and I regret that now in whole chunks.

My whole body froze like a block of ice and I clung to the handlebars of the bike like it was a hand warmer. My arms and shoulders shook tactlessly along with the goosebumps that were forming on my skin. I thought of something warm to distract me from the stinging cold and thought of fire, my bed, coffee, Yeonjun's embrace, Yeonjun's lips on mine.

Feeling the shivering cold and the piercing excitement at the same time was like a rush after an energy drink, not very great but if you indulge in it's quite enjoyable.

These thoughts really helped me to get a grip on the cold. Although it still stung to ride through the icy air, it was bearable. After a while, the cold hardly bothered me as I got closer and closer to what I hoped was Beomgyu's warm house.

I had long since passed the place where I had first met him, when he fell off his bike and laughed about it. It felt like ages ago when that happened but it was really only a week ago.

It's hard to think that just a few weeks ago I was trying to get Taehyun to talk and had to stop Yeonjun from driving off in the car and leaving me standing there. Now everything was so different. Yeonjun was so different, different than he seemed at first. Not as cold and skeptical, still inscrutable and a bit irritable at times, but less like an asshole like I thought before.

Excluding the first encounter, he was actually more soulful and gentle and intoxicating, somehow. My cheeks ached. If Beomgyu's house isn't in plain sight I'm going to drive into a tree, because these thoughts were making me frantic.

My eyes caught sight of the well-kept family home, my body couldn't wait to finally be enveloped in warmth and the excited feeling in my chest welled up roaring out of me. I casually got off my bike and parked it right next to Beomgyu's, which had been roughly pushed against the wall like last time and was now leaning sloppily against the wall.

With quick steps I wandered to the steps in front of the house and hurried up until I stopped before the entrance door and took a deep breath.

I'm here, I've arrived, everything that comes now will be subliminally represented with a permanent, oppressive excitement and I think I'm about to cry at the thought of Yeonjun being behind that door. Apparently I had missed him very much.

Despite the fact that I didn't mind the cold any more, as I had built up enough body heat from cycling, I was still shivering badly. But not because I was cold, but because I was too excited.

No one would notice though, as everyone would think I was shivering so much because of the cold. Hesitating slightly in my action, I pressed the bell and a shrill sound rang out, muffled from the other side of the door.

Nothing happened for a while and it was quiet. The area was silent and my head was still. I was afraid of having a heart attack when the door opened and I prepared myself not to get too scared. Without further ado, the door was hastily opened by Beomgyu, who greeted me with a delighted face.

Chapter Text

"Eve's here!" He shouted towards me and I blinked, a little startled. My hands nervously clutched the strap of my backpack, needing to keep me from falling over right away. A broad smile made its way onto my face and immediately after, I was dragged into the house by Beomgyu.

"Shit, you're like a block of ice." Beomgyu hissed. So much for not being ridiculous.

I scratched the back of my head in embarrassment, not letting on that I was affected by the cold in any way, and tried to put it away as best I could. But since I couldn't completely control the shivering in my body, my attempt to appear unaffected failed.

From the living room, which was at the end of the hallway, I heard shrill music playing as well as a loud thump as if someone had hastily hit the floor.

"Evie!" Someone shouted from the direction and I only know one person who uses that nickname for me.

Yeonjun rushed out of the living room impatiently and when he saw me, his expression brightened even more than it already was. My outside only answered him with the widest smile I could muster but my inside just exploded like colorful confetti.

His sweet smile brought my excitement to a halt and I felt a fierce relief as if my body hadn't been sure he would really be there. Yeonjun laughed and looked amused at my face.

"You look like a tomato." He informed me, my expression making my embarrassment apparent.

I pressed my hand against my cheek but could not feel any coldness making its way onto my face. One could tell how embarrassed I was and I hoped it wasn't too noticeable and Yeonjun was just exaggerating.

He came towards me with another laugh and put both his hands to my cheeks and caressed them tenderly. They were warm.

"Why are you so cute?" He laughed delightedly, my puzzled gaze looking into his face.

"I guess I'm just decoration here, huh?" Beomgyu commented from the side but Yeonjun didn't respond to him and I even more couldn't.

Beomgyu walked back into the living room annoyed, leaving the two of us alone, Yeonjun continuing to smile at me and looking at me intently.

"You missed me, didn't you?" I nodded dazedly. His smile widened in delight at my answer and he released his hands from my face in response.

As I entered the living room, three pairs of eyes turned to me and smiled happily at me. Taehyun greeted me with a chirpy hand gesture and Kai, who was sitting on the floor, welcomed me with a "What's up, Eve?", grinning nonchalantly.

Soobin, who was sitting on the floor right next to me, smiled sincerely at me and I thought I could see some longing in his eyes.

Yeonjun sauntered over to the sofa and threw himself on it, half riveting Beomgyu in the process. He laughed in amusement and Beomgyu just punched him in the arm and mumbled some words that no one understood but him. A little less heatedly, I then sat down next to Yeonjun on the sofa and put my backpack down.

"Can't you turn on something else, Beomgyu? Your music is blasting right into my ears." Kai complained, who was sitting right in front of the speakers and had to fight off the loud music irritably with his hands.

"Why don't you go sit somewhere else and stop crying?"

"What's the point of sitting somewhere else if I still have to listen to your stupid music? Put on something that everyone wants to hear."

Beomgyu was visibly offended by what Kai said about his taste in music and it seemed like everyone was already guessing how this was going to end.

"Hey. Just because you don't know anything about music doesn't mean you have to call my taste in music stupid!" Beomgyu hissed over to Kai, who was now also visibly annoyed by Beomgyu's stubbornness.

"You can't call that shrill noise you're putting on good music!"

Beomgyu puffed indignantly, his posture set on readiness to jump on Kai at a moment's notice and beat him up.

"Don't you dare drag My Chemical Romance through the mud like that!"

"Your fucking music isn't about to be the only thing I'm going to drag through the mud!" Kai provoked him, half getting up.

"Now shut the fuck up, man!" Yeonjun suddenly jumped in, also slightly irritated by the argument.

"It's unbearable."

"Why don't you just turn the music down a bit, then Kai won't lose his hearing." Soobin suggested calmly. After a moment's hesitation, Beomgyu then reached for his phone in annoyance and turned the volume down a little.

"I don't want to sit between you two anymore." Taehyun said.

"Then let's switch." Kai spoke quickly and stood up abruptly to switch seats with Taehyun.

While the others busied themselves with switching seats or just squatting in the corner of the sofa in a huff, Yeonjun turned to me and took my hands in his without a second thought.

He held them tightly in his warm hands and I could feel his thumbs gently moving over my skin. His touch made me feel a slight tickle, but it didn't bother me as much as the fact that he was doing it in front of everyone around us. And everyone could see it.

Normally, we were always alone when we were close together and now everyone could see how we stood to each other, whatever that was between us. Yeonjun was totally calm about it and acted naturally. Maybe it was just something normal between them and actually they did this kind of stuff often, as Yeonjun had told me when we were at his house.

I tried not to be a mess by his touch, but it was hard for me to think that it bothered him that my hands were ice cold and numb. My gaze drifted down to my hands and then up to Yeonjun's face. He was looking ahead, not caring what his hands were doing right now like it was nothing, and watching Beomgyu and Kai get into each other's hair again now that the two of them were sitting next to each other.

In my field of vision, I noticed Soobin, who wasn't watching the two like everyone else and instead turned his gaze to something else. Looking more closely at his expression, I caught the target he was aiming at and gradually realized.

"Did I miss anything by the way, or are you guys just hand wrestling?" Beomgyu suddenly turned to us and pointed at Yeonjun's hands which continued to warm mine up.

"Yes, you did. My eyes are still infected." Kai replied, looking at us in disgust. Soobin continued to remain silent and continued to watch our posture Yeonjun and I were in.

"Of what?" Taehyun now asked, his eyes widening with curiosity.

"About the lovey dovey I had to give myself at the café."

"Oh, I don't know anything about that." He replied, turning back to his phone.

"Is there something going on between you two?" Beomgyu looked at us expectantly, waiting for an answer, while Soobin got up from his sitting position and disappeared from the living room. My gaze followed behind him and I was worried what he was thinking now.

"Where is he going? He already went to the toilet a few minutes ago." I heard from the side, but I just continued to stare at the door, which Soobin closed behind him as he walked out of the living room.

It had been fifteen minutes and Soobin still hadn't come back. My hands were now back in my lap, clutching a glass filled with some alcoholic beverage that I was avoiding drinking. I knew what effects alcohol had on me and I wanted to be sure when I took it.

Besides, my mind was somewhere else and alcohol would only make it harder. Or easier. I didn't know what to do.

Had Soobin really left because of what he had seen? Because Yeonjun's hands were holding mine?

"Hey, sleepyhead." Yeonjun jerkily pushed his shoulder towards me and I quickly pushed away my worried thoughts and turned my attention to the boy who seemed to still want to remind me of my unintentional nap on Kai's shoulder.

"Yes?"

"Let's play truth or dare." Beomgyu repeated himself again, since I hadn't been paying attention earlier.

"No, I thought we were playing seven minutes in heaven." Kai retorted, unhappy with the game choice.

"That's totally boring for me then, what am I supposed to do when it's my turn?" Taehyun asked.

"You can kiss the cupboard door for seven minutes."

"I would prefer not to kiss anything."

"Truth or dare isn't much more interesting though, we already know pretty much everything about each other." Kai argued, desperately trying to change the game and I wondered why he was so desperate to play seven minutes in heaven.

"Well, you can just choose dare if you don't want to ask questions."

Beomgyu explained to Kai again how truth or dare worked in order to change his mind and after a long discussion he finally agreed, albeit somewhat forcedly.

"I'll go to the bathroom first, then." I informed him, getting up from the sofa and walking out into the hallway.

There I then spotted Soobin leaning against the stair railing, staring at the opposite wall. He slowly turned his gaze away from the wall and looked over at me, his eyes somehow saddened. Cautiously, I made my way to him, weighing up the various options that were floating around in my head. Should I ask about just now or should I just ignore it?

"Is everything okay? Why don't you come back to the living room?" I then decided to ask and looked up at him with a worried expression.

"Are you guys in a relationship?" He ignored my question and got straight to the point.

"What?"

Soobin gave a loud sigh and impatiently adjusted his posture.

"Yeonjun is quite open with such things but from what I gathered I think you would only engage in such intimacies in a committed relationship."

"I thought you were studying linguistics, not psychology." I retorted wryly, but he said nothing and remained deadly serious.

"Am I that easy to figure out?" I asked him now, as I had with Yeonjun.

"Do you like him?" He ignored my question again, not wanting to be distracted from the topic. Now I remained silent and said nothing in response.

"So yes." He stated and sighed again. I frowned, overwhelmed, unable to gauge what his reaction meant now.

"Are you angry now?"

"I'm not angry. I just want to understand."

"Understand what?"

Understand why I would like someone like Yeonjun? His expression gave me no clues as to what he was getting at and it was driving me crazy.

Soobin opened his mouth slightly and was about to speak, but nothing came out of him. He scrutinized my face, wanting to make sure I was serious about what I was saying, and when he realized I was deadly serious, his distant expression changed to one of disappointment.

"What do you want to understand?" I asked again more impatiently.

"What that was after we ran away. That's what I want to understand."

I remembered what had happened after we hid in the back of the truck. What I had felt. How could I forget? Honestly, it wasn't the only time I felt those feelings for him. I just never paid as much attention to what I felt around him as I did with Yeonjun. It wasn't as intense as Yeonjun's. More subtle, more gentle. I knew what he was getting at and judging by the expression on my face that day, I could no longer deny it. I felt something for him.

Soobin watched my reactions carefully, giving me time to gather my words but no matter how long he waited for my response, I couldn't form a proper sentence let alone come up with an idea of what to say to him.

"You like Yeonjun." I looked into his eyes.

"Do you like me too?"

A very simple question. Either I'm lying or I'm telling the truth. But I knew I couldn't lie because the silence already revealed more than my words ever could. The reason I shied away from speaking the truth was the small spark of hope for him.

"No matter what I answer, nothing would change." I whispered, the silence slowly engulfing us both. His expectant expression slowly drained from his face, leaving a myriad of mixed emotions that neither I nor he could identify. He knew what I was trying to say, he knew exactly.

"Did he ask you before, when he kissed you?"

"We didn't-"

"I know Yeonjun, you don't have to deny it."

My attempt not to make it worse failed. I have to remember that they know each other better than I do. Maybe it's better if I just answer his questions to get it over with.

"No."

"Can I kiss you?"

Chapter Text

I recalled the words, the sentence in my head. I questioned if it was real and if he really just asked me that, or if it was just another voice in my head that told me things that were the most absurd to say right now.

My eyes were locked onto Soobin's face and I stared at him with a serious yet quite shocked gaze. I didn't know what to say to him.

It was true what I said. Nothing would change, even if I would admit my feelings for him. I already decided before I knew there even was a choice. But still I couldn't say it. I was scared that maybe something would change, our friendship or my relationship to the others. To Yeonjun. If they would ever find out.

"No." I said with a clear voice.

Soobin looked away with his lips pressed into a thin line. A feeling of regret came over me and I considered changing my mind, but I knew that it would only bring more chaos. I got a sense of discomfort when looking at Soobin. He felt sorrow, disappointment and discomfort, like me.

I wanted to go, wanted to flee into a room where Soobin wasn't in. Or anyone else. I felt as if I disappointed not only Soobin but everyone else. How dare I hurt Soobin, how dare I be such an asshole to him? I should go.

Soobin still didn't look me in the eye and just stared at the ground with a disappointed sigh leaving his mouth. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, nervously biting my lip while staring at Soobin's feet.

I noticed him moving after what felt like more than a minute. He pushed himself off the wall he leaned on and I let my eyes wander up to his gaze. He still looked disappointed, but his eyes sparkled more apologetic to me now than upset. Was he sorry for himself? For liking someone like me? Was he ashamed of that?

Soobin glimpsed at me for the last time before walking into the kitchen and out the back door into the small garden of Beomgyu's house, all while his head hanging low and scratching the back of his head.

I gulped at the sight of the empty kitchen behind me. I should leave this hallway too. It made me uncomfortable standing here at this place where I just broke Soobin's heart. Maybe in the bathroom upstairs, my luck won't follow me.

My feet lead me to the staircase right next where Soobin stood just now. I walked up the stairs and past Beomgyu's room into the bathroom opposite. I closed the door with a trembling hand and trudged over to the bathroom sink.

I placed the glass with my alcoholic drink on the sink, only now realizing that I had held it in my hand the whole time. It was wet and my hand was sweaty.

I lifted my head up to the mirror and looked at myself. My gaze was mixed with regret and sadness. My hands propped themselves up at the edges of the sink while I concentrated on my appearance.

I regret saying no to him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted it so much. But no matter what I would have said, one person would have been hurt by it. Either when I said yes, I would have hurt Yeonjun, or when I said no, I hurt Soobin.

Hurting people was common for me. Either I do it unintentionally or not.

I stared into my eyes and watched as my pupils went smaller and smaller. My eyes examined my face. My cheeks, my lips, my brows. Focusing on my hair, I noticed the blue dye starting to fade away a little. There were a few hair strands looking a lighter blue than it should be.

My mouth let out a sigh. I lifted up my left hand to my face and wiped away the wetness on my cheek. My face didn't stay dry for long and I reached both hands to my eyes and pressed my palms against them. I inhaled slowly and took in the air into my lungs, filling them up with more anxiety and regret and self-hatred.

When I exhaled, my chest couldn't hold it in anymore and a small sob was heard. I rubbed my palms against my eyes, then wiped away the remaining tears on my cheeks before looking in the mirror again.

My lips were turned downwards, my brows lifted up in a sad gaze and my eyes were red and teary. I sighed at my reflection again, sounding more like a sob than an actual sigh.

I need to go downstairs again, otherwise someone would come up and check on me. That would be embarrassing. But what could be more embarrassing than going back into the living room with a hurt Soobin and a red eyed me?

My eyes looked down to the drink placed on the sink. I grabbed it with my hand closest to the glass and chugged it down in one go. My small alcohol tolerance was felt seconds after placing the glass down on the sink again. I wasn't satisfied. One drink was too little.

I grabbed the empty glass again and made my way to the bathroom door without looking in the mirror again. My free hand opened the door and I went down the stairs back to the living room.

What if Soobin was there too? It would be really awkward to see him now, trying to act normal as if nothing happened back in the hallway.

I slowly opened the door to the living room, already hearing loud voices arguing about some silly stuff. When I got a better view on what was going inside the living room, I found out from whom the loud noises came from.

Kai and Beomgyu went at each other, with Beomgyu lying on top of the taller one and trying to grab the remote control, which the latter held up in the air with difficulty. Beomgyu screamed random curse words at Kai's face, in between some yellings that were very loud, louder than the music playing in the background.

Whilst the two were fighting with each other, I caught eye with Taehyun who had sat himself more far away from Kai and Beomgyu, avoiding any collision with their chaos and his calm.

On the other side of the couch sat Yeonjun, drinking his can of beer and enjoying the fight at close quarters. He smiled at them amusingly, not at all annoyed by their loud and chaotic behavior. He seemed to actually like it that way more than when they wouldn't do it.

I quietly sneaked over to him and sat myself on the couch right next to his legs that he had stretched out.

Before I did anything else, I took a can from the small table in front of me, and opened it with mildly shaking fingers. I doubted that I would ever calm down this evening. I took a sip from the can and made a disgusted grimace.

"I didn't know you were a beer drinker." I stated towards Yeonjun while my eyes were fixed at Kai and Beomgyu. Yeonjun was leaning against the couch backrest, his grin now dedicated to me.

"I could say the same to you."

At that, I looked down at the can in my hands and recognized the same design that Yeonjun's can had. Another regretful decision, but the circumstances made it less of a problem and therefore I didn't care.

I moved backwards towards Yeonjun, leaning myself against the backrest of the couch as well right next to him. I pulled my legs closer to my chest and took another sip of the beer when feeling comfortable in my sitting position.

"So? You didn't answer my question." I said to Yeonjun, still not making eye contact with him. I somehow felt not worthy enough of his gaze, so I tried not to look at him as much as possible.

"No. You can be relieved, I am not one of that kind. It's just that these two make it hard to get any near the alcohol that is standing behind them on the windowsill." Yeonjun pointed over to the two still tackling each other and I couldn't help but smile amusedly.

Kai still held the hand with the remote control above his head and pushed Beomgyu away from him with the other. His face showed an amused and mischievous grin and he enjoyed Beomgyu's struggle to win this fight. It was fun to watch and it eased the pain in my chest a little, forgetting why I was even chugging down the beer in my hand now.

"Have you seen Soobin?" Yeonjun calmly asked and the sting in my chest came back like an arrow shooting into my body.

I clenched the can in my hands and stared stiffly at Beomgyu and Kai.

"Yeah. He went to the backyard."

Yeonjun's gaze still laid on me and I could feel it with every fiber of my body. He should stop looking at me. It's making me nervous. Stop looking at me.

"Are you okay?" Yeonjun's voice was soothing and calmer than usual. He sounded really worried and I started to feel bad for acting like that. Like I was hiding something, like I did something wrong, like I was the reason for Soobin not being here right now.

I felt the back of Yeonjun's hand carefully touching my leg that was still pulled close to my chest. With two fingers he stroked my skin, making sure that I felt less nervous. I wish it would have faded the anxious feeling in my chest, but it just made it worse.

"Okay, we can start playing now." Beomgyu exclaimed triumphantly, finally holding the remote control in his hand.

"But Soobin isn't here yet." Taehyun spoke up and moved closer to the small table in front of him.

"I don't care, he can join later."

Beomgyu did the same as Taehyun and moved closer to the edge of the couch and started cleaning the small table before him, making room for the empty bottle to spin. Kai joined in a few seconds later, after he glanced at Beomgyu angrily for biting his arm to win the fight.

Yeonjun removed his hand from my leg hesitantly and pushed himself off the backrest and over to the edge of the couch to get closer to the others. I watched his every movement until I decided to move forward as well and fixated my mind on the game instead of Soobin.

Beomgyu reached for an empty bottle lying beside him on the floor and put it on the small table. He turned his hand as far as he could before he spun the bottle around itself and let go of it to watch and wait until the end of it would point to one of the players.

My eyes watched as the bottle was spinning, hoping it wouldn't stop by me as I wasn't sure what question they would want to ask me. Otherwise, I could just pick dare but I was sure that Beomgyu was insane enough to come up with something far from humane.

Out of nervousness I grabbed another can of beer and opened it with an easy movement. At least now I hadn't any difficulties with that.

The bottle got slower and the end of it was far from pointing to anywhere near me. Opposite of me was Taehyun sitting, who was the first lucky one to get picked.

"Taehyun! Truth or dare?" Beomgyu exclaimed with a big smile on his face. His expression showed that he already had the perfect questions and tasks for him sorted out.

"Dare." Taehyun picked immediately with a confident smile. Beomgyu's smile grew into a mischievous grin.

"Do a push-up with only one hand and keep this position until the next round."

"Are you kidding me?" Taehyun asked in disbelief and regretted taking dare. But what did he expect?

"No, I'm not. Do it now." Beomgyu gestured with a hand movement, only for Yeonjun to chuckle in amusement.

Taehyun stood up from his sitting position by propping his hands on the ground and pushing himself up. In the midst, a sigh came out of his mouth and his expression showed a slight annoyance that didn't stop him from doing his given task.

He went to the couch, right next to Kai, and knelt down directly in front of it. Then Taehyun put his left hand flat on the floor and stretched out his legs. He propped himself up with his healthy hand and put his right hand behind his back, without making it too hard for himself, because his right hand was still wrapped in a cast.

"Great, now I can enjoy the music blasting through my right ear." Taehyun argued with a grunt.

Kai started laughing loudly at the sight of Taehyun's situation right now and it didn't last long until I joined his laughter, also chuckling about Taehyun's luck. Not to mention that I also partially chuckled because of Kai's laughter. It warmed my heart up yet again.

"Ok, let's continue." Yeonjun said and put his hand on the bottle to spin it.

Yet again I wasn't chosen by the bottle. The top of the bottle pointed at the tallest in the room, getting greeted with an excited grin from Kai.

"Truth."

"Ugh, boring." Beomgyu exclaimed and rolled his eyes.

"Truth can be interesting." Yeonjun argued and leaned back a little, pondering.

"What's one thing you'd do if you knew there would be no consequences?" Yeonjun then asked Kai.

"Easy. Do whatever would make Beomgyu angry. He wouldn't be able to do anything against it or to take revenge on me." Kai grinned impishly. Beomgyu's mouth jumped wide open and with an angry look, he punched the taller one on the shoulder.

"See what I mean?!" Kai exclaimed in shock and pointed at Beomgyu while looking over to Yeonjun. He only answered his question with a quick chuckle and a head shaking.

"What exactly would you do? Play Baseball with him being the ball and you swinging the baseball bat?" I asked jokingly. Kai grinned at me.

"Yeah, good idea. Making a good home run with the sensation of kicking him in the ass with my bat." Kai said and brought out a chuckle from me. Yeonjun had to laugh at the thought as well, only for Beomgyu to sulk even more.

"I hate you all!"

"Could you please continue. My arms are starting to hurt." Taehyun breathed from the corner, his head slowly starting to get red and his left hand and legs shaking mildly.

Without further arguing, Kai grabbed the empty bottle on the table and spun it around. The top of the bottle almost stopped in my direction, but the little luck had spared me from being the chosen one this time.

"Truth or dare, Yeonjun?"

"Hmm, truth." Yeonjun answered with his soothing voice. Since he asked me if I was okay, Yeonjun didn't stop talking in this calm tone. Was he still trying to make me feel less nervous?

"Oh, I know one!" Beomgyu interrupted my thinking.

"Did you ever kiss a girl with dark blue hair?"

I gulped. The heat pumped into my cheeks, turning them red as I stared with wide eyes at the can in my hands. It got hot. Very hot. Suddenly, the coldness that once was felt on my skin vanished in seconds and it felt as if the burning sun was shining right at me instead of the cheap lightbulb above me.

How could he ask that? And how was he still anticipating Yeonjun's answer when I was sitting right beside him literally blushing in embarrassment and recalling every movement Yeonjun ever made while kissing me and every touch I felt against my skin and lips. How was Yeonjun going to answer this?

"Yes. I did."

I need to get drunk.

Chapter Text

My hands automatically guided the can to my lips and I started chugging down the whole liquid inside of it. My eyes avoided anyones gazes and my mind only focused on drinking the can empty.

But before I could even get halfway to my goal, a soft, dainty hand settled on the lid of the can and gently pushed it away from my lips and back down into my lap. Throughout the whole movement, Yeonjun was smiling half amused and half apologetic to the others, not saying anything further to that information or my reaction.

Beomgyu knew what he was aiming at with that question, yet he was still surprised at that clear answer. His big eyes and lit up expression said it all. Kai held back another laughter and he would have laughed sooner or later when Taehyun wouldn't have interrupted the awkward silence.

"Ew, more romance and I puke on the carpet. Continue with the game now. Please."

The bottle got spun again and it landed on Beomgyu.

"Dare!" He spat out and couldn't sit still anymore.

"I got one." Kai said and stood up in the same second.

He left the room for about a minute, leaving us four with questioned looks. When Kai came back, he had a salt shaker in one hand and a glass full of ice cubes in the other. He sat himself back down beside Beomgyu and handed him the salt and ice, a wide grin filling his gaze with mischief.

"I don't get it." Beomgyu was puzzled. He looked at the things in Kai's hands and wondered what they together could accomplish.

"Ohh, but I get it." Yeonjun exclaimed joyfully and moved closer to the two of them. He took the salt shaker and the glass from Kai and laughed loudly.

I watched as Yeonjun put a small heap of salt on Beomgyu's right hand, while Kai pulled out a big ice cube from the glass. Both of them had that sardonic expression on their faces. I knew it from Yeonjun, but I didn't expect Kai to be a mere clone of him. Actually, after everything that happened with Kai, I should have expected it.

Yeonjun grabbed Beomgyu's right hand and held it tightly in his grip. Beomgyu's puzzled and now quite frightened gaze was locked on his hand as he wondered what the two devils would do next.

Kai and Yeonjun looked at each other, giving themselves mischievous gazes that gestured to them to start the dare Beomgyu was so anticipated on just a few moments ago.

The taller one reached his hand with the ice cube in it over to Beomgyu's right hand and started pushing the ice cube as hard on top of the salt as possible. Seconds later, Beomgyu was screaming out in pain and tried to pull away his right hand out of Yeonjun's grip, but he couldn't escape it.

Beomgyu yanked on Kai's arm but just like Yeonjun, Kai was too strong and could easily withhold Beomgyu's attempt to save himself from the pain. The whole procedure only ended up in Beomgyu grabbing Kai's free hand in pain, clutching it tightly to withstand it.

Through the room echoed the laughter of Yeonjun and Kai, mixing with the screams from the boy between them.

"OKAY, OKAY! STOP, STOP, STOP!" Beomgyu yelled at them with his eyes shut.

Kai took the ice cube off of Beomgyu's hand and Yeonjun let go of him at the same moment. Beomgyu quickly pulled his hand close to his chest and clenched it into a fist.

"You could have warned me!" Beomgyu yelled fully offended and backed off a little to make enough space between the two and his right hand.

"But it wouldn't have been that funny then." Kai replied, his grin all over his face.

Beomgyu pouted at his hand and said nothing further. He wiped the remaining salt off his hand on his pants and started sulking at the two mischieviously grinning people next to him.

Yeonjun and Kai were still quietly chuckling at each other, while I stared at them attentively. I was the only one except for Kai who noticed Beomgyu still holding Kai's hand.

"Okay. As Eve is the only one left, let's just ask right away." Kai brought his full attention to me, his eyes sparkling with expectancy.

"Well, after seeing that torture, I will definitely not pick dare." I explained and stood with my point. I thought it would be Beomgyu who would want me to avoid picking dare, but it was Kai who was the actual insane person.

"I have a question." Yeonjun said beside me, making me shift my attention to him hesitantly.

I realized how long I avoided his gaze on me. Since I came back from the bathroom, I didn't look him long in the eyes when he had his eyes fixed at me. His expression was calm and reassuring. Maybe assuring me that the question wouldn't be such a torture than it was with Beomgyu's task. Howsoever a truth task can be in any way the same torture than such a dare task.

"Who was your first kiss?"

I hate him.

Yeonjun smiled at me kindly, with no sardonic expression or any mischief shown in his gaze. There was only softness, kindness and curiosity in his eyes. For a brief moment the question felt less embarrassing and the nervousness didn't exist for a glimpse second. If it weren't for the other three people in the room of whom two of them had these smiles on their faces that I hated so much.

My voice was only a whisper, but it was loud enough to get heard by Yeonjun and the rest in the room.

"I have only kissed one person so far."

I pulled one leg close to my chest and let the can rest on my knee while I hid my lips by pressing them onto the lid of the can. I stared up into Yeonjun's eyes, which were forming slightly into little crescent moons, while the corner of his lips turned a bit upwards.

"So? You didn't answer the question." Beomgyu claimed pushily, with confusion plastering his gaze. Kai nudged his shoulder in understanding and after that it got quiet again.

Or at least I thought it was quiet as I couldn't remember hearing anything beside my quickly beating heart and the blood swirling through my veins with immense speed.

It was true. Yeonjun is the only person I had ever kissed. He is my first kiss and currently my only one. I have never kissed anyone else.

I never kissed Sunoo. There were times where I almost kissed him, but I guess it was never the right time for that. And now that he is gone, there would never be the right time or any time for that.

My mind couldn't perceive if it was bugging me or not. I could have waited another six months for him until he was ready for it. But according to his plans, he was never ready.

Never for anyone, or just for me? I don't know.

"Ugh, finally." Taehyun grunted and came out of his push-up position. His head has gotten fully red by now.

"Oh my- I think I need to puke."

"Not on my carpet!" Beomgyu yelled out and jumped up from his sitting position, ready to throw Taehyun out the room. The smaller one held his hand towards him, gesturing to him that everything was fine and that Beomgyu didn't need to come over to him.

Whilst the others were arguing about if Taehyun got any permanent damage from the push-up he was doing for way too long, my eyes were fixed at the can in my hands. I had changed my sitting position back to my legs being crossed so that I could place the can more comfortably in my lap.

I stared at the lid and thought about the question that Yeonjun had asked me just now. I never thought about it for very long. Yes, I noticed that he was my first ever kiss, and it wasn't weird for my first relationship to not have a kiss be a part of it. It wasn't unnormal. But it raised questions. And worries.

Worries that were worth drinking to.

Chapter Text

The evening went on and outside it got darker and darker by every passing minute. We continued to play truth or dare, but Soobin still didn't come back after he confronted me in the hallway. I guess everyone was too drunk to notice his absence, but I remember when Kai left the living room for a few minutes and later came back with a face that showed concern hiding behind a mild smile.

The others must have seen that expression on him at least once, because I think everyone knew after that to not ask about where Soobin was and if he was okay. Because it was clear that he was not and that he wanted to be alone.

At this moment I realized how bad it actually got. Under the influence of the five cans of beer I had, I felt the immense pain in my chest that wandered through my body and destroyed every inch of it.

I liked Soobin. More than I first admitted and only now I felt the aftermath of my decision. I missed him. I wanted him to come back, wherever he was now. Perhaps he was still in the backyard, all alone by himself. I didn't know how much damage I did to him, but his absence was enough to tell me that I hurt him more than I wanted. I hated myself for it.

"Next is Taehyun!"

"Truth."

"You have picked truth three times in a row now!" Beomgyu stated with an annoyed tone.

"Guess why. You really want me to have two hands in a cast, don't you?" Taehyun argued and stayed with his decision.

"Okay, okay. Hmm..." Beomgyu thought about a question he could ask the smaller one, who was still at his second beer.

"What's the craziest stunt you did with your skateboard?" Beomgyu asked and scooted closer to the edge of the couch.

He had stopped holding Kai's hand at the near end of round two. At some point he must have noticed his hand intertwined with Kai's, but I noticed how he kept holding it until it was his turn and he picked dare, like always.

"Craziest stunt, huh." Taehyun pondered for a while.

It was quiet when he thought of a stunt that was craziest to his belief. And you could see it on his face, when Taehyun remembered a stunt with his skateboard, crazy enough to pick it as his answer, sad enough to dampen his mood a little.

"I was in the skatepark. And Sunoo was there too. We thought about some crazy skate tricks to make it a little funnier and he had the idea of driving towards each other and then kicking the boards up and landing on the board of the other. It was totally stupid and we obviously didn't manage to succed the stunt. Left us with abrasions all over our hands and arms." Taehyun told us with a big smile on his face.

It was weird to listen to him talk about Sunoo. He never wanted to talk about him, let alone wanted to say his name. And now he was sitting across the table, talking about his seemingly favorite moment with him, whilst smiling all over his face and having sparkling eyes.

And I hated it. I hated that Sunoo was the one thing that made him smile so bright, brighter than I have ever seen. The one person that wasn't there anymore, that left Taehyun alone, that left them all behind, including myself.

I never felt anger or rage when thinking about him, but now my head and my chest was full of all that. I witnessed Taehyun's gaze switching from a happy, uplifting expression to a sad and distant look. He felt alone and left behind by the person he deeply wished to be here now. But I didn't want that.

All I ever heard was Sunoo, Sunoo, Sunoo. Every topic had the feeling that it was about Sunoo, that it was because of Sunoo, that it wouldn't be there if Sunoo never left. Everything would be different if he never left.

It was quiet in the living room. No one was talking. Taehyun stared at the table and pondered if he regretted talking about this moment with Sunoo in front of all those people, who wished he was there but wouldn't want to admit it. I didn't admit it. I didn't know him that much than the others did and I felt like I was the most outsider out of all in this room.

Beomgyu looked down at his hands and fiddled with his fingers. His face looked full of sorrow, but a small smile tried to hide it. It was painful to look at.

Kai, who sat next to Beomgyu, was looking down at his hands as well. He was rather quiet because the others were, wanting to not disturb anyone while they tried to not ruin the mood. But it already got ruined when his name got mentioned. It wasn't anyone's fault.

I didn't dare to look at Yeonjun. I could already sense how he was reacting. Eyes furrowed in anger, the corner of his lips curved downwards, dark eyes. I understood him for the first time.

"That was definitely a stupid idea." Kai spoke up and tried to lift up the mood. He smiled at Taehyun and waited for his reaction.

On Taehyun's face appeared a glimpse of a smile and he looked up to the taller one sitting on the couch, his smile getting a little brighter when meeting his gaze.

"Not even I would have been that stupid." Beomgyu stated and stopped toying with his fingers and looked over to the two boys beside him. They started giggling and chuckling at each other, all of them wanting the uncomfortable tension to be gone.

The room got filled with laughter and silly comments at Taehyun's and Sunoo's stupid idea, totally forgetting what they were sad about. But Yeonjun didn't forget it. He sat next to me in silence and clutched his hands at the edge of the couch, restricting himself from leaving the room or talking bad about Sunoo. He also didn't want to ruin the mood, at least in his own way.

"Okay, let's continue." Kai announced and immediately flipped the bottle right after saying it.

The top of the bottle pointed at me.

"Eve! Truth or dare?" He leaned his body forward and looked at me with big and expectant eyes.

"Truth." I said. One thing more that I regretted that night.

"Okay, hmm..." Kai thought about a question while putting two fingers on his chin and fixing his eyes at the ceiling. His grin indicated that he already knew his question but still played with me a little.

"What was the latest lie you told?"

I froze.

Why did he ask this question? Why now, why me? No. No,no, no, no, no.

I couldn't breathe. My lungs got squeezed by the hot air that wrapped itself around my body. My bones and organs felt like getting crushed by the words Kai had spoken just now.

Lie. Lie. Lie.

I did lie. And it wasn't long ago. And I could lie again. Lie about what I lied about. No. No, I can't do that. It would hurt a lot of people. It would hurt them. It would hurt so much.

"Aaaand? Are you gonna answer it?"

Am I going to answer it? My hands were getting sweaty and I wanted to chug down my can of beer and run away, out of this house. My grip got so tight around the can I was holding, that I started to crush it slowly.

I looked in their faces, everyone was staring at me expectantly except for Yeonjun, who just looked at my hands and the can in it with furrowed brows. I hid the can behind myself and my legs started to tremble.

"Uhm-" And my voice started to tremble as well.

"There- Actually there is one." My voice was shaky and my gaze avoided every pair of eyes there was to find.

Why, why, why is it never easy. The alcohol didn't make it better. I felt everything, but ten times stronger. The anger, the sadness, the regret, the hate, everything. I didn't know what to do and the thoughts that came into my mind were rather already decided than just things to think through.

The alcohol made me do things I didn't want to do. Or was the alcohol just making everything easier? Maybe I do want it.

I felt something warm laying on my thigh. My leg stopped moving uncontrollably and my mind didn't spin around as much anymore. I looked over to Yeonjun, whose eyes just looked forward, calming me down without putting all his attention on me to make me less nervous. He sighed.

"I lied. Three weeks ago." I looked at Taehyun.

"The whole time." I looked at Kai and then at Beomgyu, who looked at me confused. My legs were calm but my voice wasn't. I was nervous, scared.

"What did you lie about?" Yeonjun asked me without his eyes meeting my gaze. He sounded calm and reassuring, but his gaze avoiding mine seemed like he was tensed to await anger and disappointment in me. My heart beat faster.

"Sunoo he-...I-"

Breathe in and breathe out.

"He did mention you." My eyes were fixed at the table in front of me. Yeonjun's hand on my thigh twitched a little.

"When I met Taehyun for the first time, I already knew about you all. He couldn't shut up about you all." I whispered the last sentence. My fingers toyed with the can in my palms, trailed along the edge and scratched the lid, making only a little sound that appeared louder by the quietness in the room.

My gaze avoided Taehyun's and everyone else's.

"He talked about you all the time. During the whole time we were together. Everything was always about you..." My head was buzzing, my hands were sweating, my eyes were burning.

"But-..." I took a glimpse of Yeonjun, but his gaze remained hidden to me.

"He didn't talk about you in a good manner." My head is going to explode. I inhaled.

I wanted to continue. I wanted to speak, but I couldn't. My body felt paralized. I regret saying it, I regret opening my mouth. But how could I save this moment, if I stopped speaking?

"What did he say?" For someone who doesn't like to talk about Sunoo, he was very curious about what he had to say. I couldn't blame him.

"No." I whispered.

"No, I- I don't think it's a good idea."

"Evolet." Yeonjun called out my name with a strict tone, making me more nervous to continue speaking.

"Please."

I look at the others and see their tensed but curious gazes either on me or the living room table. There is no going back. I felt sick to my stomach and I felt uncomfortable in this room with all those people, who I ruined this evening and probably the whole week.

In the corner of my eyes, I noticed someone sitting down on the ground beside me. It was Soobin.

How long did he stand there? When did he come back? Did he hear everything I said up until now? The idea of making Soobin sad again, just a few hours after the last time I had broken his heart, hurt me more than it should.

Instead of doing what Yeonjun had asked me to, I just stared at Soobin and wanted to go home. I wanted to go home and cry myself to sleep. My emotions were overly exaggerated, but it also made it quite easier to do things that were unbearable to manage when sober.

"I- uhm..." I couldn't take my eyes off of Soobin and he looked back at me with confused and hurtful eyes.

Just say it. Just say it. Just say it.

"He hated you. Since the beginning of our relationship, Sunoo only talked bad about you all." I lifted my head and fixed my eyes at Taehyun. He was quiet, holding back tears.

I don't want to do it.

"He always called Taehyun a crybaby and thought he was too sensitive." Taehyun's face showed exactly what I didn't want to see. He cried, quietly but visibly.

I couldn't bear looking at him anymore so I stared down at my hands and continued talking, avoided thinking about anyone's reactions to what I will say.

"He said that Kai was a hypocrite and always felt like he was fake. He never liked Beomgyu's attitude and thought he was annoying and choleric." Don't look at Kai, don't look at Beomgyu, don't listen to Taehyun's quiet sobs.

"He- uhh... He said that Soobin acted like he was above everyone, because of going to college." My voice trembled more than ever.

"Not like the others." My voice got quiet now and I practically swallowed down the other words I wanted to say as well.

I couldn't help but look at the tallest in the room. His silence made it harder for my body to not shake in fear and guilt. How much I wanted to apologize for everything I have done and everything I was doing right now.

"Sunoo talked about Yeonjun the most." My throat ached and my body prevented me from turning to look at him, but somehow I managed to move anyway. Suddenly I wanted to cry too.

"He called you a wimp and always complained how arrogant and self-centered you were."

My heart began to burst out of my chest. The anxious feeling was like acid running through my veins and was burning down all my organs like it was nothing. My breathing was irregular as the tears ran down my cheeks and prevented me from continuing to speak any further. Not that there was anything more to say to it.

My teary eyes watched as Yeonjun digested every insult he had heard about himself and the others. Slowly, he released his hand from my thigh. The place where his hand lay was now colder than any other part of my body.

"I'm sorry." I squeaked out with a whimper and tightened the grip around the can in my hands.

"It's okay." He looked to the side. Not in my direction.

"It's not your fault." I looked down at his hand and saw that he placed it back on my thigh, stroking my skin with his thumb, still trying to comfort me. I felt more bad than before.

I sighed quietly and placed the can down on the table before me. It was so silent in the room that I was scared to move as to not make any sound that would interrupt the quietness.

Taehyun reached the back of his hand towards his face and wiped away the tears on his cheeks. He was crying and I hated myself for being the reason for it. He didn't want to talk about him for the mere reason to get hurt by it eventually. And now I was the one making his fear a reality. I hate myself.

Soobin didn't make any signs in standing up and leaving the room again. I guess he was fed up by running away from his problems and like always, he just accepted how it was. He accepted Sunoo's perception of him and didn't make any fuss to complain about it.

Looking over at Kai I noticed his furrowed brows. He was confused. I guess he didn't quite understand why Sunoo thought about him like that. He wondered what could have been the trigger to make such an assumption about him.

Beomgyu was the quietest out of all. He of all people, who is usually the loudest. Seeing him so out of place, lost and miserable, made me feel uneasy. It was weird and I felt the need to comfort him, to make him feel better but I didn't know what to do. I was helplessly looking at the boy who needed help the most.

Yeonjun stood up from the couch and squeezed himself past me and the table, leaving the room and closing the door audibly. I followed him with my gaze, only Kai and Soobin doing the same as me.

Another tear fell down my cheek but I didn't feel the urge to wipe it away. My whole body felt numb after constantly pumping this anxious feeling through my whole body. I couldn't feel my hands or my chest. My appearance felt like it was non-existent. It was awful.

After staring at the can I placed down on the table a few minutes ago, I let my body fall back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. My eyes were hurting from holding back the tears for too long, my throat was burning from swallowing all the bad things I had to say out loud, my chest ached because I made everyone in this room feel miserable and angry at themselves.

I just wanted to close my eyes and imagine to be alone, to be home where I could cry because of my stupid decision to open my mouth and hurt everyone's feelings.

I was scared that they would hate me, that they would want me to go and never come back. How many of them were angry at me? Yeonjun said that it wasn't my fault, but what if he lied? What if Yeonjun is only angry at me and that's why he left the room. He can't bear being near someone who said such hurtful things to him and his friends.

Why do I always need to make everything go to shit? Why couldn't I be a normal friend? Why was I like that? The bad person, the black sheep, the coward, the problem. Since I was with them, nothing went well.

I hate myself.

Chapter Text

Hours went by after I told them the truth. My head was buzzing from the drunkness slowly leaving my body, letting a weak self remain. I can still hear Taehyun's whimpering in my mind and the sight of Beomgyu's silent self sitting on the couch wouldn't leave me alone.

I pulled the blanket further up to my chin and tried closing my eyes. But I couldn't sleep. I opened them again almost automatically and stared at the wall across the room, seeing nothing but pitch black. A few minutes went by and in sight came a dull wall that should have been light blue but because of the darkness it only showed black and dark gray.

My eyes drifted to the large plant in the corner, having the same colors as the wall and the table and the floor. Without the light it all seemed depressed and unpleasant.

The silence filled the room and made everything around me seem more stifling than I wished it was.

After it was my turn in truth or dare, we stopped playing and took ourselves a few minutes to digest the truth that I hid for almost a month. I couldn't bring myself up to speak with anyone about it. It would only have come out an apology anyway. An "I'm sorry" as if that would make anything better or less painful.

Kai had left the room for a bit, probably to look out for Yeonjun. When he came back, he seemed more motivated to lift everybody's mood, so he announced to the four of us in the living room that we should go order some pizza and watch a movie in the midst of it.

Soobin agreed with a quick sentence. Out of my mouth only came a weak "Okay." and a nod that almost wasn't visible at all. Taehyun nodded more visibly than me, but that also was the only thing he had to add to that.

Beomgyu didn't respond to it at all. He stared at the table in front of him while hugging a small pillow close to his chest. When Kai ordered the pizza, he sat himself close to Beomgyu and said comforting things to him with a low voice. He was gentle with what he was doing and knew exactly what he had to say and how he needed to act to make Beomgyu feel better again. And it was working.

The rest of the evening, we were sitting either on the couch or in front of the living room table on the ground, eating the pizza Kai had ordered for all and watching the movie Taehyun had picked out in quietness by himself.

For that, even Yeonjun came back from where he went after the game had ended, eating with us all in utter silence. He didn't look at me just once and I was still convinced it was because he secretly thought it was my fault and that I was the problem. Why else would he feel so uncomfortable around me? That was the only reason.

And now I was laying on the edge of the couch, beside me Taehyun and Kai and on the floor, on some cheap mattresses, Beomgyu and Soobin, asking myself if I should really be here right now and where the hell Yeonjun was at the moment.

At a time where everyone should have been asleep by now, Yeonjun had stood up from his mattress and left the room yet again. I noticed because I was the only one except for Yeonjun to not have fallen asleep as well.

Maybe I should go and find him, ask him if he hates me and if I should go and leave the country. Another reason to hate me.

Suddenly, I heard the door to the living room open and I quickly closed my eyes even though he wouldn't have even noticed me being still awake. Yeonjun slipped through the door and quietly closed it again, tiptoeing over the two boys sleeping on the ground and making his way over to the couch, right between me and Taehyun.

I felt the couch giving in to the weight of another person laying himself behind me. Yeonjun took a piece of the blanket I was tucked into and covered himself up with it as well. I could feel one of his legs placing itself on top of mine, intertwining themselves to get closer to me.

He placed his left hand on my waist and ran it down under my arm and over to my stomach where it stopped. He pulled me closer to his chest and hugged me tighter when he was close enough to me. My tummy was building up an immense amount of excitement and suddenly the blanket over me was too warm for my liking.

"Evie? Are you awake?" I heard Yeonjun whisper into my ear. I nodded reserved.

I felt his face snuggling itself more into my neck. I couldn't bear all this affection. I need so much of it right now.

"Sorry that I left. Didn't want to ruin the mood."

"Oh." I whispered barely audible, but because of Yeonjun's closeness he would hear me either way.

"I guess I have ruined the mood before you could." He chuckled, quietly.

"You picked truth. I guess you understood the rules of the game." Now I was the one chuckling, but a little louder than he did. The irony was getting bigger with every sentence.

"But still, I could have prevented all that." My voice got quieter again and my smile slowly vanished from my face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you. I didn't want to hurt you." I felt sorry. That was the truth. And I felt bad for it with every apology I spoke up again and again.

"You don't have to be sorry about it." His voice was so soothing and yet so chill that it drove me insane. I didn't know what to feel, except the remorse that destroyed me from the inside.

"It's not your fault that you had to hear those things. And when you saw us, you felt the need to protect us from those perceptions and assumptions. You didn't want us to be hurt. No stranger has done that for us, ever." Yeonjun explained into my ear and embraced me tighter in the midst of it.

I listened to him and tried to calm down. Breathe in and breathe out.

"You saw how we would react to it. And of course we would have found out eventually one way or another. It was the right decision to tell us the truth."

My fingers made their way to Yeonjun's hand, placed on my tummy. I grabbed his hand and pulled his arm closer to my chest, hugging it like it was a pillow. I needed to ease the anxious feeling inside of me.

"I have the feeling that everything is different now that I told it." My grip around his arm tightened but he didn't seem to feel bugged by it.

Yeonjun sighed quietly, adjusting his lying position behind me before he reached over to my face and gently kissed me on the cheek. The heat rushed to the place where his lips touched my skin.

"I feel less pain when I'm with you." Yeonjun stated and kissed the skin beneath my ear. My heart fluttered.

"These days, I get the feeling that things are getting better again." His lips touched my neck and left little pecks there.

"Not even Sunoo's real remarks about us or me can ruin this."

"I just...hate that he is the center of everything. The only thing we have in common is our relationship to Sunoo." I spoke up and closed my eyes.

"If it weren't for that, we would never have met, would we?" I opened my eyes again. He was right. If it wouldn't have been for me meeting Sunoo or for Yeonjun being friends with him, if it wouldn't have been for him to leave them and me, then maybe we never would have met in the first place. The question was if it was a good thing or not.

I snuggled myself closer to Yeonjun and tried falling asleep again. But the depressing room and the uncomfortable silence weren't helping with that.

After hesitating long enough, I turned my body around to face Yeonjun. My eyes needed a few seconds to accustom to the new surroundings in sight, but after that I could see his pretty face real close to me.

Yeonjun didn't hesitate and used the new position we were laying in to hug me tighter and move closer to my body, as close as possible. I could see a blurry smile appearing on his face. The aftermath of consuming alcohol made things more difficult to perceive, but Yeonjun's sly grin was unmissable.

"Wanna see my handsome face for a better sleep?" Yeonjun teased me and I couldn't help but smile at that a little.

"I need to close my eyes for when I want to sleep so I won't see your face anyway."

"But you will dream of it." He grinned at me.

"My handsome appearance will follow you in your dreams so be aware."

"I will be aware." I snuggled myself into his chest and closed my eyes again, hoping I will finally fall asleep.

The last thing I heard was a quiet "Sweet dreams" whispered into my hair and the continuous stroking of my back, before I drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

[6. September 2022]

Through the clouds shone the sun, sunbeams getting blocked by gray cotton-like structures in the sky. In times like these I could look up and admire the sky without having the urge to sneeze. And now it was even easier to do it while being on my bicycle as Kai was pushing the two-wheeler behind me with his hands gripping the basket attached to it.

"Eve, I have literally no fun in pushing you any further." Kai complained with a panting voice, but he didn't make any effort to stop what he allegedly didn't want to do.

"I have a lot of fun right now, I don't know what you mean." I teased him, smiling at the sky.

"Yeah, you're not the one pushing a bike with a person on it."

"I'm not the one deciding to keep doing things I don't want to do." I countered and needed to gulp.

At this moment, Kai released his hands from the basket and I felt the immediate lack of stability, resulting in me abruptly hitting the brakes. I almost fell from my bike if my feet hadn't caught me by stepping on the ground in time.

Because of the unexpected interruption while being pushed, my chest hit the handlebars a little too harshly and I had to grunt in pain. Instead of throwing various curse words at the taller one behind me, I caught sight of where we both were at the moment.

After our shift at the coffee shop was over, Kai and I decided to go to the old swimming pool where the others were already waiting for us. I had my bike with me and Kai thought it would be fun to push me a bit while I still sat on top of it. He liked the idea for about seven minutes until he had visibly and audibly enough of it.

"Finally." Kai gasped and supported his hands on his waist to hold himself up better.

I ignored him and focused on the other boy in front of me, who climbed down out of the broken window and sprinted over to us with a wide, open smile on his face. On my face appeared a bright smile as well and I couldn't help but feel the butterflies raving around in my tummy.

His laugh could be heard from meters away and when Yeonjun almost stood in front of me, he made his way around the handlebar of my bicycle to get closer to me. I saw his hand making its way towards my right cheek, placing itself on top of it gently and then getting followed by a soft kiss on my lips.

I tilted my head more to the side to face Yeonjun properly, reaching my left hand over to his waist and holding my bike safely in the other.

In the midst of the kiss I heard fake sounding gagging noises coming from beside me. I knew that Kai was watching us, but I couldn't stop Yeonjun from kissing me. For the mere reason that I didn't want to and for the second reason that I didn't care.

With a quick movement we broke away from the kiss and before I could say anything to Kai, who was visibly outraged by our intimacy, Yeonjun took care of that instead.

"If you feel offended then maybe you should search for new friends."

"No, thanks. I will just rip my eyes out instead."

Without another word, Kai made his way to the abandoned building and climbed through the window to get inside. I turned my head back to Yeonjun, who still held me close to his chest. A silly smile greeted my gaze.

"Did you miss me?" He asked me and his grin grew wider with every second my cheeks got redder.

"Of course not. I would never anticipate wanting to meet up with a criminal." I explained with a bantering tone and needed to hold back a bigger grin.

"Yeah, yeah, come on, moral nag. We have places to go." Yeonjun proclaimed and in the same breath he took me by the waist and threw me over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?!" I screamed out and heard my bicycle fall on the ground as no one was holding it up on its wheels anymore.

Yeonjun didn't answer my very high pitched question and instead just carried me over to the building next to us. On the way I needed to listen to Yeonjun's very amused laughter, not finding any of it hilarious myself.

The only thing I could see was the back of Yeonjun and the ground plastered with gravel and dirt. I could feel my head filling up with blood and my face getting hotter with any passing second my face had to be upside down.

When we finally reached the broken window on the side of the building, Yeonjun put his hands on my waist again and placed me down into the window frame where I could sit comfortably. At least I didn't have to climb up into the window as I was already sitting inside of it.

"Be lucky that you have a personal chauffeur." Yeonjun argued when he saw the look on my face.

I kept quiet and said nothing to it. The look of annoyance on my face already told enough of what I thought about his hilarious move and even though I didn't mean it seriously, I still played along with it longer than expected.

Yeonjun took a step closer to me and wanted to put his arms around my waist, but my intentions were quicker than his. I gently pushed him away from me by the shoulders, which gave me enough time to quickly get up from my sitting position and run further inside the old swimming pool.

I stopped at the edge of the empty pool, looked across the large hall and saw three boys at the smaller pool that was filled with water. Beomgyu stood dressed inside of the tank, splashing water at Kai and smiling broadly at him. He seemed the complete opposite of his saturday self.

Taehyun sat beside the tank pool on a folding chair and fiddled around with the cast on his right arm. He still looked a bit battered, but I didn't know if it was just his normal behavior or if it was because of what happened last saturday.

Meanwhile, Kai was taking his revenge at Beomgyu and dashed water on him without being in the pool himself. His grin was purely mischievous and it was clear that he enjoyed it with every fiber of his body.

Everyone was there, except Soobin. He was nowhere to be seen.

A weight pushed itself on me and I felt some soft hands gently making its way towards my stomach, hugging me from behind. Yeonjun and I staggered a little back and forth before we came to a halt again a little after. He let his chin rest on my left shoulder, making me a little nervous to look in his direction.

Beomgyu became aware of us standing across the big, empty swimming pool and excitedly lifted up one of his arms and waved at us exaggeratedly, splashing water from his wet sleeve everywhere. He yelled out a loud greeting and completely ignored Kai's annoyed face as all the water landed on his face.

I waved at him less exaggeratedly and watched as his smile grew bigger at that sight. Taehyun then finally looked up from the cast on his arm and also caught the eye of me, waving in my direction as well.

I wanted to walk over to them and put one foot forward, towards the ladder closest to me, but two hands held me back and I was unable to move away from where I was standing.

"We are going outside!" Yeonjun yelled to the others with a big smile on his face. I turned my head to my left shoulder and only then realized how close he was to my face, my lips.

"Hm?" Yeonjun distanced himself from me a little so that he could get a better look at me.

"I just let you greet the others first before we go do our own thing." I put on a playfully sad expression.

"But I wanted to go play in the pool, too." He giggled shortly.

"Wanna go into the water with full clothes on again? You can do that later, let's go."

He turned my body in the direction we had come from and separated his body from mine without taking his hands off my waist. He gently pushed me to move forward and I did as he gestured.

I looked over at the others one last time and waved at them with a sad look before concentrating on where I was going.

Chapter Text

My hands felt the gravel on the ground beside me. I toyed with the small stones in my hands, letting them fall on the ground before I picked them up again to move them around between my fingers.

My back was leaning against the door of Yeonjun's car, both of us sitting next to it on the ground with full sight of the abandoned building across the place. I had my legs pulled to my chest to reduce the tension in my body as I was still thinking about Soobin.

I looked over to Yeonjun to further reduce that uncomfortable feeling, seeing that he also had one leg pulled to his chest and the other stretched out beside me. His gaze was directed forward, a calm expression lying on him. I asked myself if he also wondered where Soobin was.

"Yeonjun?" I quietly called out his name.

"Hm?"

"That night where we ran away from your parents... Were they heavily mad at you?"

Yeonjun hesitated with his answer. I watched him as he still looked forward, squinting his eyes shut a little as he thought about how to answer the question at best.

"Just the normal reaction." He then answered calmly and exhaled audibly. He readjusted his sitting position.

"And what is the normal reaction? Because I think that it is highly not normal for everyone."

"But it is normal for me." I kept quiet.

"My mom isn't that bad. She just isn't really assertive when it comes to my dad making a fuss about every little thing."

I furrowed my brows in apology, but said nothing to it. I wasn't good with comforting people.

"I mean I know what I'm getting myself into when doing things. It doesn't bother me that much anymore."

"And still you want to get away from him."

Yeonjun then finally looked at me, now having an apologetic smile on his face and I asked myself why he was looking at me like that. I should feel apologetic, not him.

"Do you want me to come to yours again?" I asked hesitantly, fiddling with my fingertips.

"Why not?" He put his hand on top of mine.

"It's not like my dad is going to get angry at you." He chuckled, making this topic more uncomfortable than it already was. I hated how he had to laugh about this, even though it was only a coping mechanism.

"Yeah, but he is going to get angry at you. I don't want that." I whispered the last sentence, but Yeonjun still heard it. I got confirmation when he smiled at me softly and squeezed my hand lightly.

"Don't worry. It's not like I'm going to die from it."

He ended the conversation on this topic by fixing his eyes at the swimming pool again. I didn't mind because I didn't want to continue talking about it anyway. It wasn't exactly a topic I felt comfortable with, but I still wanted to know as I was curious.

The touch of Yeonjun's hand on mine filled my entire mind. I couldn't stop thinking about the warmth that erupted from his hand and soothed me up.

I still didn't know whether to ask him about Soobin and where he might have been. I was afraid that I would have to tell him what had happened in the hallway last Saturday. There was still the question if that was the reason why Soobin wasn't here right now.

Otherwise, I wasn't so sure if it was because of the incident with Sunoo. Soobin always had the impression of accepting the past and it would be contradicting for him to surprisingly react the opposite now. On the other hand, who am I to know that? I was oblivious enough to not know about his feelings towards me. And my feelings towards him.

"You don't have to worry about the others." Yeonjun interrupted my thinking and I looked at him with big, confused eyes. I met his gaze, looking at his comforting expression.

"I know most of them act as if they are okay, when they are actually not, but they will get over it." Sometimes the thought of Yeonjun seeing through my mind like it was written on my forehead was still really concerning to me.

"I just think it's unfair to them to have lied to them for so long." I tried to pull my legs tighter to my chest. It didn't help ease that feeling. That feeling I hated so much.

"You are so silly for thinking that you were the one hurting them." Yeonjun smiled at me half amused and half serious. I wish I could think like Yeonjun does. I wish I had that same perception about myself.

"Come on now, stop the dreary mood you are spreading." Yeonjun grinned and nodded my chin up a little with his index finger, smiling brighter at his action. I backed away a bit from his sudden touch, but had to smile as well.

The blush on my cheeks and my fluttery heart was enough to tell how much I adored his little actions. I secretly wanted him to do it again, but wouldn't want to say it out loud. If the red on my face wasn't already telling him exactly that.

He was still grinning at me widely and his teeth were showing through his smile. His plump cheeks made his eyes form into crescent moons and his little nose scrunched up a little. A rare sight of him looking extremely cute and I couldn't stop staring yet again. He noticed it too, but when did he ever not notice it?

"Uhm..." I hesitated with my question, my voice trembling a little at how nervous I was. It was so stupid.

"Yes, Evie?" Yeonjun teased me by calling me that specific nickname only he ever used. The heat in my cheeks was almost unbearable.

"So...I thought- I mean you told me once...that you used to kiss your friends as well. When I was at your home, you told me that. Right after we like...kissed." I stuttered and despite knowing how ridiculous I sounded, the words came out of my mouth as if I held them in for too much. And maybe I did.

Yeonjun looked at me quite dumbfounded and amused at the same time, with his smile still being shown on his face. I didn't know if he got what I wanted to ask, but I also couldn't further explain it as I was too embarrassed of myself by now.

"Ahhh." He spoke out and chuckled at himself. His head was tilted down to his chest for a few seconds, before he looked at me again with more amusement showing in his expression. He found me hilarious.

"You wanna ask me if I still do it?" I nodded quickly, my big eyes growing larger. Yeonjun giggled again briefly.

"No. No, I don't do it." A pressure and a slight tension fell from my chest that I didn't even know existed until now.

I was aware of Yeonjun's different viewpoint towards such things, but it still kinda irked me as my attitude towards that kind of stuff was different than his. And I was relieved to know that I was the only one he was kissing at the moment.

He chuckled at me again.

"I didn't know that this was concerning you so much. I know that not everyone shares the same opinion with me with such things as how I am portraying platonic and romantic relationships, so I'm always open with talking about it with the person I'm in a romantic relationship with. But judging by your nervous stuttering, I don't even need to touch on that anymore."

I laughed at him nervously, coughing away the rest of my embarrassed behavior before realizing what he indirectly-directly just confirmed.

"I stopped doing it when Kai told me he had a crush on Beomgyu anyways, so the last time I kissed my homies was ages ago." My snorting laughter was reaction enough to the word "homies" and I just left it as it was.

"Sooo..." I looked up at the sky, but quickly changed my mind as the brightness made me almost sneeze. Instead, I looked at my right hand which was still playing with the gravel on the ground.

"You mean we are...you and me...you know?"

I looked up to meet his gaze but instead got met with his lips on mine. I closed my eyes and felt his left hand making its way up to my cheek, stroking it back and down as he kissed my lower lip as an answer to my stuttery question.

His thumb gently caressed my skin while the rest of his hand placed itself down on my neck, behind my hair. He opened his mouth a little and pressed his lips down again on mine. I did the same with a rhythm perfect to his own. His soft, plump, moist lips were the only thing on my mind right now. Just lips, lips and more of Yeonjun's lips.

I felt the pressure of his hand that he put on my neck, pressing me more into the kiss and I didn't complain. When would I ever complain about a kiss of his?

My body scooted a little closer to him and he used that action to wrap his right arm around my waist, pulling me more to himself as well. I placed my hand on his waist too and rubbed it gently with my fingers to get a feeling of the black shirt he was wearing.

A kiss, then another and another again. My lips are getting moist like the last time when he kissed me on his bed. Or the last time we were at the swimming pool on our own. I liked when he did that. I liked when he kissed me. I liked when I kissed him.

The last kiss was small and gentle. It was a good kiss, a perfect kiss. He backed away a little to look me in the eyes, his body still close to mine and his body language told me that he didn't want to change that. A grin appeared on his face.

"Answer enough?" I thought about it and put on a thinking look to mess with him.

"No. I don't think it's enough as an answer."

"Oh? You are not satisfied?" I shook my head with an amusing smile.

"Ok, then."

He grinned at me and moved his head towards me slowly. His eyes looked into mine before he pressed another gentle kiss on my already moist lips. I was excited that the teasing actually succeeded in what I aimed for.

The excitement made its way from my chest down to my tummy. A benevolent feeling stretched itself out from there and brought more happiness and joy into the kiss. I pressed my lips so hard against Yeonjun's that I sensed he knew from that overblown feeling that filled my entire body at the moment. Maybe he felt that too.

When we stopped kissing, we heard an earthrobing scream come from the swimming pool across from us. Yeonjun and I looked into the direction of where the scream came from. My eyes were wide open from the sudden interruption, but Yeonjun thought it was hilarious whatever was going on inside the building.

"Should we go see who's dying?" Yeonjun asked jokingly and I gave him a weird grimace before eventually nodding as a response to his question.

Chapter Text

I leapt onto the window frame with one leg, supported myself with my hands and pulled my other leg through the broken window as well. With the help of my hands, I straightened up and wiped the dirt from my hands off on my pants.

My eyes already caught sight of three boys playing around in the smaller pool, screaming and yelling at each other as if it was a matter of life or death. I noticed Taehyun's right arm being completely freed from his cast that he wore for almost four weeks.

Without waiting for Yeonjun, who was just about to come up from the ground, I made my way towards the ladder that led into the big, empty swimming pool next to me. I used the ladder to climb down and along the way I saw Yeonjun just jumping from the edge into the pool without giving it much thought.

"You are such a wimp." Yeonjun jokingly called me with a big grin on his face, while I stepped foot onto the ground of the swimming pool.

"Shut up." I responded and didn't give him much more eye contact than necessary.

I watched as Yeonjun jogged over to the three boys in the pool, while I was in no hurry like him and just walked nonchalantly in their direction. Yeonjun leaned himself against the rim of the pool and immediately got greeted by a splash of water that he fend off with his right arm.

When I arrived next to Yeonjun, I hesitated to take a step further, fearing I would receive the same greeting as Yeonjun. I already saw the look on Beomgyu's face and automatically made a step backwards, only getting an amused laugh from him as a response to that.

"Yeonjun, come in. We have a fight to catch up." Kai spoke with a grin.

"Why? I can't remember having to catch up on anything."

"You have to make up for all the times I had to listen to your incredibly corny flirting." he joked and flicked a little water at Yeonjun that didn't quite reach his body. Yeonjun chuckled at that, but didn't make any move to back away or get into the pool.

"No, thanks. That's clearly not my problem."

"Then Eve can join us." Taehyun interrupted their nagging and looked over to me. I quickly held my hands up in defense, shaking my head in clear negation.

"No way am I gonna do that."

"Wait a minute, weren't you complaining about wanting to go into the pool too just then?" Yeonjun's head was turned to me and his brows raised in confusion. I looked over to him.

"Yes, but that was before I heard that riotous scream from Beomgyu."

At this, Beomgyu quickly raised his arm out of the water and pointed directly at the culprit, making him scream for his life.

"It was Kai's fault! He wanted to kill me!"

"I wished I had succeeded at it." Was Kai's only response to this at which Beomgyu's mouth fell wide open in shock.

Yeonjun grinned at them with a short chuckle leaving his mouth. Taehyun and I only smiled at them, though my smile looked a bit awkward.

The topic got dismissed and I focused my mind on the fact that this was the first time that I saw all of them in their special, secret hideout. Before, I only heard of them coming to this place when they liked to, but never caught sight of it myself. It was fun to experience how they are using this place when they are all together, though it was obvious as there was a swimming pool full of water right in the middle of this big hall.

But I felt the incompletion because Soobin wasn't here with us. I missed him, even though I felt miserable thinking that. It felt wrong to miss him. I declined his offer to kiss me and indirectly confessed that I liked him the same way he liked me and now I wished that he was here with us. It all sounded so unfair to Yeonjun, though I don't mean it that way. I still wanted to be friends with Soobin. And friends can miss each other.

Did Soobin miss me too?

"Where is Soobin anyways?" Kai asked the group and everyone had the same question mark over their heads.

They thought for a moment and according to Beomgyu and Taehyun's look on their faces, they already had an idea that they weren't eager to share with the group. I could already think about what they had in mind.

"Maybe it's about Saturday?" Kai quietly asked in Yeonjun's direction, who only shrugged with his shoulders.

It probably was because of what happened on Saturday, but not really what they thought was the reason. Maybe I should tell them the possible cause of his absence. Otherwise, my heart was about to burst from too much pressure and unease.

"I couldn't imagine it being because of Sunoo."

"But what if it is because of that?" Taehyun spoke with a worried look on his face.

"Did no one check on him?"

"I did." Yeonjun answered Kai's question.

"But he only said that he was busy with college stuff."

"Still, he seemed really off that night. When I asked him if he was alright that day, his reply was not really convincing." Kai told them and concern was shown on his gaze.

The boys started to think about it again, all trying to solve the mystery of Soobin's weird behavior and sudden absence that day. Was it that unusual for him to not be here today?

"He seemed distant long before we talked about Sunoo." Beomgyu then said, now participating in the conversation as well. At first he distanced himself from the discourse, practically shutting down his mind so as not to have to deal with this, but now he also was distressed about Soobin's well being.

Their confused gazes turned more puzzled and the worry in their eyes really showed how concerned they now were. It wasn't just a by-the-way question anymore.

"But what should have happened before, that he was acting that strangely that day and even up until now? It must really bother him."

"Maybe it really hit him how much he still misses Sunoo?" Taehyun thought out loud with big eyes making his empathy apparent.

"Uhm-" I blurted out and everyone turned their heads towards me.

"I...have to go home now."

"What, already?" Yeonjun asked with sparkling eyes, making him look like a puppy.

"Yeah, I- I remembered that I- uh..." My feet took me backwards to the direction of the ladder. My voice was on the verge of breaking and my hands began to sweat. All of their gazes laying on me showed confusion and it made me sick.

"The laundry. The neighbors tend to occupy the community dryer at this time of the week..." I slowly got closer to the wall of the swimming pool, where the ladder was waiting for me to be used. I stumbled backwards while still facing the boys standing in the smaller pool and Yeonjun, who was still leaning against the rim of it, confused.

"And I don't have fresh clothes." I chuckled nervously.

My fingers touched the metallic rim, telling me to turn around and climb up the ladder in a hurry. I put one foot on the first step of the ladder and missed it by an inch, making me look more stupid than I wanted.

"Wait, let me drive you home." Yeonjun yelled to the other side to where I was already heading towards the broken window.

"Oh, no. No, it's okay. I have my bike with me and I know the way home so..." I got to the broken window on the left side of the building and kneeled down before it, ready to climb down and run as fast as I could.

"You don't have to spend fuel on me, don't worry. Bye!" I jumped down the window and landed easily on the ground with my feet.

On the way to my bike that was laying carelessly on the ground, I heard Yeonjun's voice yelling to me "As if I ever cared about that!".

I quickly took the handlebars of my bicycle and pulled it up to its wheels again. With my bike in my hands, I turned around to the direction where I came from with Kai earlier that day. I hopped onto my bike and put the pedal to the metal.

Chapter Text

I didn't turn around again or bothered to even think about doing it. I just drove and drove, trying to compensate for my quickly beating heart by driving my bike as fast as I could. It didn't help. It didn't help at all.

I was panting and gasping, but not because I had used up my stamina, but because that tense feeling began to eat me up from the inside out. It wasn't bearable and my legs were starting to get weaker with every step on the pedals.

My lungs were empty, but my head didn't allow my body to breathe in any oxygen. Everything around me turned blurry and quivery. My grip around the handlebars were so tight that I feared my knuckles would tear out of my skin.

Suddenly, I heard a loud thunder in the sky. Only then I realized the big, dark gray cloud right above me that was starting to get too heavy for the gravity to hold up. I sensed a drop of rain on my naked arm and another one on my forehead.

Slowly, it began to pour with rain and it was the same moment my legs began to stop working. With one hop from the bicycle saddle, my feet landed on the ground. I continued to walk up the small slope up until I reached the interstate road, where I crouched down for a little breather.

I couldn't do this anymore. All this talking and discourse about Soobin. All of everything that gets associated with Sunoo all of the time. I had enough of this. Why couldn't it stop? Why couldn't I flee from my past? Why, why, why?

The rain became heavier and the sky darkened. Small raindrops that landed on my head and clothes began to thicken and drench my body. A few wet hair strands appeared in front of my eyes, but I didn't bother to tuck them behind my ears.

I got up from my crouching position again and stared at my hands gripping the handlebars of my bike as if I was strangling them to death. I could see the raindrops dripping down the back of my hands, falling on the gray cement of the street that was already completely darkened by the rain.

I tilted my head to look where the road was heading to. To my left side was nothing but a straight line heading to nothing I guess. There were only a few trees and a large field full of corn and grass. When looking to the right, I saw almost exactly the same except that there were no trees at the side of the road and in the distance I could already see the city, where my imaginary laundry was waiting for me.

My feet brought me forward again and I crossed the street to the other side. I pushed my bike beside me whilst the rain soaked my clothes, my hair and my entire body. I didn't care. Actually, it was the least bad thing happening to me right now.

Even to think about all that was bothering me right now, made me want to stay in the rain even longer. I deserved that. I couldn't care less about getting sick, getting a lung inflammation or some stupid shit. Some more investigation towards Soobin's problem and the others probably wished the same for me than I did right now to myself.

And even though the rain was cold and refreshing, the torturing heat in my body was draining my inner out, leaving me like a clump of cramped up misery. My throat was scratchy and dried out, probably because every drop of water was coming out of my eyes now.

I started to cry. I was uncontrollably sobbing and it didn't seem to end. Everything was so complicated and nerve-wracking. I wished that the heavy rain was my only problem right now. I wished the rain would make me happy again, but it only made me realize that this much water couldn't heal my withered self. I was so pathetic.

My head started to hurt, a headache followed by my heavy sobbing noises. How could I care? I was the only one on the empty road and no one was coming to this abandoned place anyway.

At some point my mind shut down and the only thing I focused on was the rain falling on me and my hands aching from the tight grip around my bike. Other things, the throbbing of my eyes, the strained feeling of my cheeks and lips, the severe headache, they were there, but what could I do? It wasn't as if stopping to sob would solve any of it.

In my eyesight, I noticed the wet road reflecting a bright light that was coming from behind me. I could hear a howling engine, probably coming from an old, worn out car. I didn't bother to look behind me and just continued to walk home.

The car parked behind me in the middle of the street. I heard the car door open and close in one movement and footsteps coming over to me. I already stopped sobbing loudly when the car stopped behind me.

"Evie, what are you doing? You are getting soaking wet."

I stopped in my tracks and held my bike tighter than I never could imagine my hands to bear. A hand touched my shoulder, more gentle than appropriate, and I almost started crying again.

Yeonjun turned me around to him and he put his other hand on my other shoulder, holding me an arm's length away from himself. My bicycle crashed on the ground again, but none of us seemed to care.

His gaze showed a little bit of anger at first, upset that I declined his offer to drive me home because now I was soaking wet and crying. Yeonjun's expression changed when he saw my puffy, red eyes and my lugubrious look on my face. He seemed more than just worried. I didn't know how much more worried one can look, but he had more than worry plastered over his face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He softly asked and something in me switched back to where I was before he arrived here.

Yeonjun cupped my left cheek in worry, watching as I started to sob again, right in front of him. His gaze switched from one eye to the other, pondering what to do while his furrowed brows got more prominent the more I cried in the rain.

Next thing I felt was his chest close to my face. Yeonjun pulled me into a tight hug, having his right hand on top of my head, stroking it softly, while his other hand wrapped itself around my waist carefully.

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault." I cried into his shirt, but I doubted that he would care as he was also standing in the pouring rain right now, getting soaked as much as I did.

"Shhh, calm down, okay?" He whispered into my ear, embracing me as tight as possible.

"No, you don't understand." I moved away from him a little to look into his eyes better. It made it all worse.

"It's my fault that Soobin is acting weird. Before we started playing, I was in the hallway with him." It was a miracle that I could speak properly despite my arbitrary beating heart and my scratchy throat .

"He...he confessed to me." Yeonjun's eyes got bigger and he lifted his brows in surprise. I tilted my head down so as not to have to look into his eyes anymore.

"He- uhm..." I gulped.

"He asked me if he could kiss me." I felt Yeonjun's hands tensing up at that sentence. I was scared to look up again so I continued staring at his chest.

"I said no, but...it wasn't like he asked me without knowing that I-.... that I liked him too at that time." Yeonjun's tight embrace around me loosened steadily, but he didn't back away.

I had to look up now otherwise it would give him the wrong signals. He still didn't understand. I looked into his eyes. He seemed hurt. My heart ached.

"In the beginning, I was confused as to how I felt about Soobin. I only then realized that I liked him when he confronted me at the slumber party. But I knew from the start that it would never be more than just a stupid crush on him." The single tear rolling down my cheek tickled, but I was too scared to wipe it away in fear of Yeonjun thinking of backing away from me.

"I felt so bad for even letting it come to this point. Having to reject him, leaving him hurt. And then you." I paused for a moment, choking down the sob that wanted to leave my mouth.

"I hated myself for hurting your friend and for bringing so much chaos into your group. I just wanted to make the right decision."

That was everything there was to say. Or it was just everything I could say at the moment as my voice had given me up the same way my legs did earlier. My whole body is giving me up right now, but it wasn't like I could blame it for it.

The pressure on my chest was heavy. I didn't know if the pressure came from the rain pouring down heavy raindrops on me or if it was the big blame I put on myself. Whatever it was, it was draining and exhausting. But my body wasn't exhausted enough to stop sobbing.

For a long time, or maybe it was very short, Yeonjun didn't say a thing. He just looked at me with furrowed brows, looking like he either pitied me or he thought about how best to hate me.

I watched as the little hair strands in front of his eyes were letting the raindrops fall onto his shirt. He didn't care about the rain, he didn't care about his clothes getting wet or his hair losing its volume. Perhaps he didn't even care about me anymore.

His hand detached from my head and made its way back to my cheek. His movement was gentle, again. He wiped away the tears and raindrops that flooded my cheek and examined my face. A more empathetic expression appeared on his face, covering the apprehension that had been on him before.

For some reason, this look on him made me cry more than it was hoped otherwise. But he didn't stop with his actions. He continued caressing my cheek like it was made out of marshmallows and he still looked at me like that with that expression that I couldn't decipher.

"It's okay, Evie." He whispered to me and the corner of his lips twitched a little upwards, but a smile was nowhere to be seen.

"I didn't want to hurt you." I choked a little on my sobs.

"I know." He only said and carefully pulled me closer to his chest again. With weak arms, I embraced his waist and hugged him tightly.

I guess, I hoped, he wasn't angry at me for the things I did. I would be more than relieved when he would forgive me. That was everything I wanted.

Chapter Text

The car ride to my apartment was awkwardly quiet. I still couldn't decipher how the mood should be like. Should I feel concerned about our relationship towards each other now that Yeonjun knows about my feelings for Soobin or should I feel relieved because he understood and wasn't mad at me?

I had my arm between my head and the side window next to me, using it as a pillow. It wasn't quite comfortable, but way better than standing outside in the rain whilst all my problems are drenching my clothes and body.

Yeonjun had stored my bike in the back of his car and I was surprised that there was enough room for it to even fit inside. After this, there was literally no excuse for Yeonjun to have been able to bring me home, despite the fact that I didn't want to end up being alone with him in a car because of the secrets that I carry since I've met him.

My soaking wet clothes stained the seat with water and the same happened to the driver's seat. It wasn't the first time that we sat in his car with soggy clothes. The only difference was that he didn't bother to put towels beneath either of us. I think that the seats getting wet was his least problem at the moment.

Hesitantly, I turned my head slightly to get a glimpse of him. His elbow rested casually on the car door whilst his right hand was gripping the steering wheel. His gaze was fixed at the road, an expression of seriousness, unease and concern. Yeonjun's appearance reminded me of the day I saw him for the first time, in the café where I work now.

I listened to the windscreen wiper wiping away the raindrops on the windscreen. From left to right and right to left, the sound repeated itself in the constant rhythm. It was kind of comforting and it made the awkward silence less awkward.

Yeonjun lifted his left hand up to his lips and wiped his index finger over it while still looking forward. Even in a situation like this, I couldn't stop admiring Yeonjun's attractiveness. The rings on his thumb and middle finger and the bracelet around his wrist weren't making that feeling any less fierce.

When we arrived in front of the building where my apartment was located, Yeonjun got out of the car and followed me to the entrance door. I first thought he would only help me bring my bike back into the basement, but his actions told me that he wanted to bring me to my apartment first.

I kept thinking that the moment I would unlock my door, Yeonjun would say goodbye and go downstairs again. And it was weird, because he still had my bike stored in his car, but he didn't say a word about it.

My feet stopped walking when I stood in front of my apartment door, unlocking it with cold fingers. The door opened and I was prepared for Yeonjun saying his quick goodbye, but he followed me inside without a word like a shadow of mine. He even closed the door behind him.

I turned around to him and nervously toyed with my fingers. Now standing in the dry, I got a better look at how soaked Yeonjun actually looked. But according to his body language, he didn't care one bit.

"I think I'm gonna change clothes." I spoke up quietly. It was awkward to say things again after not doing that for such a long time.

Yeonjun only hummed at that in agreement. I stared at him for another few seconds, watching as he busily looked around the living room, before I then hesitantly walked into my bedroom and closed the door.

I was afraid that he would suddenly leave without saying goodbye or letting me know, so I quickly pulled out some comfortable clothes out of my closet and changed. I threw the dirty clothes in the corner of my room and sprinted over inside the bathroom where I combed my hair back, already a few dried hair strands falling in front of my face again.

I reached my hand over to the handle of my bedroom door and prayed that he would still be in the living room. My lungs got filled with air and anxiety, before I opened the door.

There stood Yeonjun, still, staring at the shelf right next to the door in which I stood. He eyed the cactus he had gifted me two weeks ago with an expression that turned more and more indefinable the more I looked at him.

Yeonjun turned his gaze to me and examined my look first, before shifting his weight to his other foot. He looked at my combed, wet hair, my dark gray sweater, my gray sweatpants, my pink socks with colorful flowers on it. Then he looked into my face again. He still looked so full of unease.

"You should go to bed. Sleep a little." He said softly, making me blush at that.

"Okay." I replied, but did nothing to actually do what he told me to. I just stared at him and waited for him to do something, but he didn't move an inch let alone say anything more to it.

With a hesitant shrug, I turned and walked to my bed, where I hopped onto it as soon as my legs touched the edge of the bed. I crawled to the end of the bed and sat down with my legs crossed facing the door to the room.

I saw Yeonjun, who had been looking at me the whole time, watching as I did what he asked for. A small smile appeared on my face, gesturing for him that he should stay, but I guess he didn't get that.

"I'm gonna go now." He stated after thinking about whether to say this sentence or not for way too long.

He already made a step towards the entrance door, his hand slightly touching the handle, before I instantly moved forward into his direction without really standing up from my bed.

"Wait!"

He stopped in his tracks, hesitated a little, and then looked over to me.

"Can you stay?"

Yeonjun stared at me, his fingers still slightly touching the metallic part of the door. He looked at me and hesitated. I didn't know why he hesitated and it worried me, but after a while he took a step back from the entrance door and let his hand fall down to his side.

"Okay."

I jumped up from my bed and opened my closet again. I searched around for some clothes fitting for the taller one. In the corner of my eye I saw Yeonjun slowly coming up beside me, watching what I was doing.

I pulled out a shirt and some sweatpants from the upper shelf of my wardrobe. I stacked them and turned to Yeonjun to hand them over to him. He took the clothes and examined them, his expression turning darker.

"Is something wrong?" I asked and looked into his face. He knew that these were Sunoo's clothes, but he seemed more upset than the last time I gave him his clothes. Was it because of last Saturday?

"It's my shirt." I froze. He unfolded the shirt and examined it closer.

"I lent it to him once." He rubbed his thumb over the fabric and took in the touch for a while. He then let go of the shirt and looked up at me.

"I'm gonna go change." He stated and disappeared in the bathroom next to me.

I stood there for another minute, staring at the place where Yeonjun stood just now. He is going to stay, but why do I still feel this unsettling? Maybe it's going to disappear once Yeonjun comes out of the bathroom.

I sat myself back on the bed and crossed my legs again. My eyes were fixed at the wall across the room, but I couldn't help but sometimes glance over at the bathroom door, hoping Yeonjun would come out of it.

A few minutes and a bunch of annoying thoughts later, I heard the bathroom door click open and a tall figure appeared in my sight. Yeonjun wore the fresh, dry clothes I gave him and held his wet clothes crumbled up in his hands.

With a small gesture and asking brows, he asked me where to put his dirty clothes. I pointed over to the heater underneath the window. Yeonjun followed my finger and walked over to the window, neatly, or rather quite messy, laying his clothes on top of the heater.

My gaze was fixed at his back, trying to get used to the clothes he was wearing. The shirt fitted perfectly to his body, with Sunoo it always looked a little oversized.

Yeonjun turned around to face me and then looked at the bed where I was sitting. He walked over and let himself fall down on it, laying with his face directed to the ceiling. It reminded me of the time where I was at his home and he was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling just as he did now.

And yet again I could perfectly admire Yeonjun's side profile. That straight, pointy nose, the rosy, plump lips and the dark, furrowed eyebrows, telling me that he still didn't find any peace in his head.

It was quiet in the room, no one was talking. I just looked at Yeonjun, who looked at the ceiling. This feeling, the situation right now, it didn't feel good. I didn't like that. I was looking at him, but he didn't look at me. I never liked that and will never like that. It shouldn't be like that again.

In the corner of my eye, I saw his right hand moving over to me. We were exactly one arm length apart from each other and when he stretched his arm out to me and touched my thigh with the back of his index finger, I felt the unrequited attention slowly fade away.

With his right hand followed his head, which turned to the side to face me. Again, just like that time at his home, he was looking at me with some kind of yearning. I couldn't tell if he was sad or angry or why he had this expression on his face. It bothered me so much.

"Come here." He whispered with a low voice and without hesitating, I scooted my way over to him and laid myself beside him. My head rested on his arm that he had stretched out earlier and my eyes were fixed at the ceiling.

Yeonjun looked at the ceiling too and now there was this silence again with Yeonjun giving me no attention, just like before. But at least I was laying close to him now as if that would make any of it better. It only did a little.

"I met Sunoo in the school bathroom at the beginning when high school started." I looked over to Yeonjun and kept quiet.

"He was crying. Not in one of the bathroom stalls, but outside of them, leaning against a wall with his legs pulled to his chest." Yeonjun paused for a moment to gulp with a frown.

"You know what the first thought was when I saw him like that?" He looked over to me with an expectant look. I only stared at him and said not a single word.

"I thought, why the hell is he crying outside of the bathroom stalls and not inside of them? Every person who wants to go to the bathroom will immediately see him crying like a baby right in front of them." Yeonjun turned his head to the ceiling again.

"I went up to him and asked him what was wrong. Of course I didn't tell him what I exactly thought of this, I'm not an asshole. He looked up at me and didn't even bother to wipe away his tears let alone hide his face in any way. He just stared at me with his swollen, red eyes and quivery lips, probably hoping I would help him in whatever his problem was."

"And did you help him?" I asked.

"Hell no." He shortly chuckled, thinking about that moment like it was a funny memory. But I didn't quite understand the funny part about it. Yeonjun saw my puzzled look on my face and had to laugh again at that.

"Don't get me wrong, I wanted to help. I kneeled down in front of him and waited for him to say what was up. Sunoo told me that it was his first day at this school and on the very first day he already got bullied by some guy he described as weird." Yeonjun had to smile at that in amusement.

"Ah, this punk really." He commented and rubbed his hand over his face in disappointment.

"I asked him who the guy was, if he knew his name or something and do you know what Sunoo answered?" I could already guess it, but I kept my mouth shut.

"He said his name was Beomgyu and I straight up laughed at his face. I found it hilarious while Sunoo only started to cry harder."

The thought of it made me giggle a bit. It was absurdly hilarious, though I felt a bit bad for Sunoo not knowing why Yeonjun was laughing at him at first.

"I calmed him down again saying that Beomgyu didn't mean it that way and that I would go to him and confront him about it. I insisted on Sunoo to go with me and at first he refused, but after convincing him, which I have to add was very exhausting, we both went to Beomgyu. He apologized and they both made up. You know, Beomgyu is very bad at making friends so he thought that he left a good impression on Sunoo whilst Sunoo felt more than violated and cried in the school bathroom for about thirty minutes."

"Thirty minutes." I covered my mouth with my hand and had to restrict another giggle, looking over into Yeonjun's eyes. He found it amusing as well.

"Don't laugh. If I didn't go to the school bathroom, Sunoo would have either cried another thirty minutes or would have gotten up and left the bathroom, resulting in us never getting to know each other." With the ending of his sentence, Yeonjun steadily loosened his smile.

It gradually started to get quieter in the room and the short uplifting mood that got shared between us vanished. Yeonjun fell back into his melancholy state and stared at the white ceiling again. I noticed how he wasn't going to continue talking, though I saw it in his eyes that he wanted to.

"Do you wish...that you never met him?" He thought about it for a moment, before he slowly shook his head.

"I said multiple times that I wished we'd never met, but...otherwise..." His eyes met mine again. I saw admiration sparkling inside his eyes and I knew that the admiration wasn't for Sunoo.

"We wouldn't have met."

"I know." I whispered with my words being barely audible.

I knew it very well. I went to him to ask about Sunoo, he avoided me because I wanted to talk about Sunoo and in the end Yeonjun came back to me, knowing that he still wished for Sunoo to come back to him. At the end it was all so difficult and yet so easy.

We didn't break eye contact and just looked at each other with sadness and misery in our gazes. We were both so fucked up because of Sunoo, it wasn't even funny anymore. But what should we have done? Except for keeping living and thinking about the past. The past we deeply wished to be the present again.

I saw Yeonjun's smile disappear completely.

"After that we all became friends. Since that day, I always felt the need to protect him. It wasn't some kind of savior complex or any of that, trust me. I guess I was too afraid to lose him."

It hurt. The thought of doing everything you could for something not to happen and in the end happening either way. A fate you cannot escape. It was more painful to see that I wasn't the one experiencing that right now, but Yeonjun. He still felt doleful about it.

"Beomgyu mentioned something like that. That you and Sunoo were very close. Closer than with the others." Yeonjun's gaze turned even sadder.

"Yeah." He whispered.

I looked at him.

"He was...someone I couldn't live without." He fiddled with his left hand nervously, but his expression didn't show any nervousness.

"And up until that day I brought you the cactus, I fully believed that he would come back because of me."

Chapter Text

Yeonjun wasn't crying. And according to what I saw, he wouldn't do it any time. But as for the tears, which usually made you feel quite uncomfortable because you didn't know what to do about them, they were replaced by Yeonjun's facial expression, which had quite the same effect.

I didn't know what to do, let alone what to think. When we stood in the swimming pool full of water, looking at each other and holding each other's hand, was also the time he had wished Sunoo would stand in front of him instead of me.

It pained me to think about it. My heart shrank and weakened, leaving behind a pungent feeling that spread through my body and left me disordered. I avoided Yeonjun's gaze and stared down the ceiling, afraid to even move a muscle.

Nervously, I scratched the skin off my thumb, not caring about the biting pain in my fingers. Why was I here? Why did he tell me that? Should I feel bad? Did he only tell me that so that I would know how it feels to hear that the other person also likes another person? Because if so, then yes. It hurt. It hurt really bad.

I felt something moving beside me. Yeonjun readjusted his lying position and turned his whole body to the side towards me. I could already feel his face being closer to mine now than before.

"Evolet." No. I don't want to turn around. I wanna keep staring down that tone deaf white ceiling until I would either pierce a whole through it or through my fingers.

"Evolet." His voice was only a breath and his left hand placed itself on top of my hands that laid on my tummy. I stopped scraping my fingers almost immediately, letting out the air that was stuck in my lungs.

He rubbed his thumb over the place on my thumb that I scratched so uncontrollably. I glimpsed over at him, I couldn't help myself, and saw a puppy-like expression on his face. He seemed apologetic or pitying.

"Does this mean you didn't like me at that time?" It shouldn't matter as he seemed to like me now, but it was still not a good feeling to know that he didn't always like me.

"I did like you at that time." He whispered, stroking over my fingers softly. And still he could calm me down, even though I was only so upset because of him.

Why wasn't I as strong as him? Why did I need to cry at that and he didn't even cry when talking about Sunoo. I hated how weak and embarrassing I was. I quickly wiped away the tears that threatened to run down my cheeks, placing my hand back to Yeonjun's, a mess of hands on top of my body.

"Everything I have said about you was true. I feel better when I'm around you. And I..." He paused for a little.

He was looking at me and I was looking at him. The space between us was not much and I could feel Yeonjun's hand moving past my hands and over to my waist to which he then pulled me a little closer towards him. I couldn't breathe anymore.

"And I feel things that I have never felt before when I think about you." He rubbed his hands over my waist. Gently, carefully, and still his grip around me was strong.

"When I touch you." He whispered. My heart was beating fast, but how could I stop it? For a strange reason I even wanted it to beat that fast. It was exciting, thrilling.

"I think with a bit more time, I couldn't live without you too."

"How much...more time?" I breathed and held my breath. I was on the verge of exploding, the tickle in my tummy wouldn't stop tickling.

He put on a pondering look, but I quickly noticed that he joked around with me. When he finished, he fixed his eyes back at me and started smiling. A good smile, a delighted smile. The kind of smile that let my blood bubble up in excitement, that would keep me giggling at night even thinking about it, that gave me the urge to kiss him right away. But I hid all those feelings, though a faded blush was still appearing on my cheeks.

"Ten seconds, I guess. Give me ten seconds." He spoke with his cutely curved smile.

And I did what he said, I gave him ten seconds. And he let the ten seconds go to waste, just looked at me with a smile that grew bigger with every passing second and a hand that couldn't wait to pull me even closer to himself.

And when these ten seconds passed, Yeonjun couldn't hold these words to himself anymore.

"I love you."

And it was surreal. Totally surreal. I kept thinking it was just a thought of mine, but these words replayed in my head so many times that at some point it actually caught on to me that Yeonjun really said that to me. I love you. Just like that.

Yeonjun waited for a reaction of mine. A change of expression, a sentence, three words. His hand couldn't wait, almost bouncy. And I was stupid. Stupid enough to say the most inappropriate thing you could give as an answer to that.

"Okay."

"Okay?! That's your answer?" He exclaimed and his gaze turned shocked. Hilariously shocked.

I got caught off guard and looked at him shocked as well. It's the first time someone had said the magical three words to me and I wasn't prepared for that. Though, I was. The ten seconds of staring at each other was enough preparation time and yet I just acknowledged his love confession. How stupid can one be?

Yeonjun pulled his arm out from under my head, letting me fall down on the mattress, and propped himself up so that he could look at me straight in the face.

"Say that again." I shook my head quickly.

"Well." He let out a brief chuckle and grinned away from me.

The look on his face let me doubt that he was actually upset at me. But he should? People are upset when someone only responds with a lame "okay".

He tilted his head to me again, his grin getting bigger. He looked into my eyes and then onto my lips. My heart was more than just exploding, it acted like fireworks. Firework over firework over firework. Red, green, blue, yellow, orange, pink and so on. I couldn't even count anymore.

Yeonjun wasn't upset. He even felt more happy than before. And I knew that. I knew that because another look on my lips was no longer necessary as he pressed his lips on mine and kissed me strongly.

His lips kissing my upper lip and my lips kissing his bottom lip. He tasted like strawberries, like cherries, like butterflies and fresh grass. He felt like the wind blowing through my hair and the sun shining on my skin. I thought of flowers and stars and fairy lights. I liked how he tasted, I liked how he felt, I liked how he was. I liked him.

And while Yeonjun kissed me more and more and more, I realized. I loved how he tasted. I loved how he felt. I loved how he was. I loved him.

"I love you." The words bounced off his lips, which were already almost pressed to mine again.

"I love you so much."

He grinned. And I knew that because he kissed me right after I finally said these words to him. Words that have been stuck up in my throat for far too long. Words that I wanted to shout the moment he kissed me the first time. The moment I saw him for the first time.

I love his every step, his every move. I love his every touch, his every kiss. I love his every word, his every giggle, his every smile. I love everything about him.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

Chapter Text

[9. September 2022]

We had made out to meet at the skatepark in the evening, when the sun was already engulfed by the horizon and the street lights led the pathway. Being here at a time like this filled my stomach with nostalgic comfort. Barely any people on the street nor the skatepark, only the sound of the ocean waves hitting the beach every now and then. Even the wind was put to rest, but didn't quite quit to rustle the leaves of the trees, lined up next to the promenade.

My work shift today wasn't as long as usual, so I was able to go home earlier. The day before, Yeonjun had stood in front of my apartment door, asking if he could stay overnight. He excused himself by telling me his car ran out of fuel and it happened to be near my apartment.

Of course he was lying. The broad grin on his face was doing his lie no justice, even though he didn't even try to let it seem like something that actually happened. It was just the way he flirted and it wasn't like it worked. Never would I admit that.

We spent the night together and all I can remember is that we lay on my bed and looked at each other as if we were some artistic masterpiece. I cupped his cheek and he cupped mine. I explored his face with my fingers, touched his lips with my thumb and studied the way his eyes examined me. And he did the exact same. He explored my face with his fingers, touched my lips with his thumb, and studied the way my eyes were perceiving him.

I'm still debating if it was the most intimate moment between us ever. Sometimes we don't need words to communicate with each other, let alone keep us entertained while we are together. I think his mere silent attention to me is the love language he likes to give and for my liking it's the love language I need.

When I came home today after work, he was still laying in my bed, occupying himself with his phone. I asked him if he had laid there since early morning, but he declined saying that he got up to buy some food for us.

We ate on the bed, watching some movie on the TV, and then we snuggled together, dozing off to the movie playing in the background. It was still bright outside when we dozed off, not too cold and not too warm. The blanket was weirdly tangled around our feet, but we didn't care.

I felt Yeonjun's arms wrapped around me while mine were wrapped around his waist. I can still sense the fabric of his shirt on my face when I pressed my head into his chest.

After we woke up, we decided to make our way to the skatepark. As we walked from my apartment to the promenade, the sun continued to set until it had disappeared completely when we arrived near the kiosk where I used to buy some fries from time to time.

Yeonjun and I talked about lots of things on the way there, holding each other's hand in the meantime. But through the whole time some unsettling feeling creeped inside my chest that wouldn't go away fully. A fear or a thought of something not being quite right.

"Yeonjun?" I frowned with worry.

"Hm?" He responded with a soft voice.

"What if Soobin will be there? I don't know how I should act, if he would be." Yeonjun squeezed my hand in reassurance, making me look up at him. He had a smile on his face, but his gaze was fixed forward.

"Don't worry. Everything will be fine."

"You say that as if he would be there."

At his non-quitting smile and his silent response, I knew that I was right with my assumption. I instantly stopped walking. Yeonjun also stopped, two steps away from me, and turned to see my distraught look on my face.

"Why didn't you tell me beforehand?!" I whined at him, snatching my hand back to myself.

"Because-" Yeonjun started and took the two steps back to me to take my hand into his own again.

"If I had told you, you would have felt anxious, and I didn't want that."

"But now it's even worse. I have no clue how to act around him!" I exclaimed and ignored how Yeonjun pulled me further to the entry of the skatepark.

"Just act like you always did."

"The last time I acted like I always did, I hurt him really bad. So maybe that's not a good idea."

Yeonjun let go of my hand and walked behind me to put his hands on my shoulders. From there, he pushed me through the entrance, giving Mike a small greeting in the mid way. If the situation wouldn't have been that chaotic and nerve-wracking, I would have given more attention to the fact that Mike is at the skatepark all day and night.

"You sound stupid. Just go with the vibe, I'm sure it will go well."

"That's easy to say for someone who isn't in my position at all right now." I only heard Yeonjun laughing at that softly and after that, I kept quiet.

On the other side of the skatepark, at the place where Taehyun had laid with his head on his board the very first day of our meeting, where the other boys. And with them, Soobin. He was laughing and chatting with the others, totally not seeming heartbroken like he did a week ago.

I still got pushed forward by Yeonjun, who was behind me. His hands were gripping my shoulders so tightly yet gently to make sure I wasn't stressing myself too much. But it didn't really help.

Kai noticed us first, waving over to us with a bright gaze. Then Taehyun did the same and then Beomgyu, who was talking with Soobin just now. Because Beomgyu averted his attention to us, Soobin's attention got on us as well. He smiled as brightly as the others.

Soobin was the only one who stood up from their place and ran over to us. With every step closer to me, my heart began to beat harder through my ribcage. When he arrives at the place I'm standing right now, I believe I will just combust.

It wasn't quite combusting that I felt in my body, but it was close to that feeling. He smiled past me at Yeonjun and ignored me completely.

"What's up, Yeonjun? Long time no see."

"Everything is good with me." Yeonjun answered.

"I'll go to the others now." And with that he let go of my shoulders, letting me miss the pressure that was on them just a second ago.

Before he ran over to the others, leaving me all alone with Soobin, Yeonjun bent down to my right ear and whispered:

"Don't worry." He briefly took my hand into his, squeezed it reassuringly, and gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

How could he do that in front of Soobin?! He is making everything worse, shoving into Soobin's face what he wishes to have, but he will never get. I can't imagine how terrible this is for him.

I watched with panic as he ran away from me and Soobin, taking all my remaining confidence and peace with him. Soobin followed him with his eyes as well, his smile not disappearing from his face at all. It was making me nervous. I started fiddling with my fingers.

That's when I noticed that we were standing in the same place we had stood the first time we saw each other. What an ironic coincidence.

Soobin turned back around to me and gave me a cheerful look. I awkwardly smiled back at him, still not quite sure what vibe I should get from him. I would have gladly taken that smile as a calming down effect, but hence the dispute between us the smile rather was painful to look at than pain-relieving.

Suddenly, Soobin held out his hand to me, gesturing to me to take it. But I didn't move a muscle. I just stared at his big hand in front of me, waiting for an explanation or for me to disappear.

"Friends." He spoke and I looked up into his face. A bright smile. Nothing has changed with his expression.

"Let's settle with friends." He further explained what he was trying to enable.

I still waited hesitatingly, but then I took his hand into mine. We shook hands like an old-fashioned agreement and slowly my uncertainty vanished. Was it really that easy?

"I can see from your expression, that you don't really know what's going on." He giggled shyly at me.

"Not quite." I confirmed and gave back a nervous chuckle. He let go of my hand and with the same hand he scratched the back of his head, just like he used to.

"You know, I'm not gonna lie. I was quite upset about your rejection. But after all, I actually didn't expect you to really reciprocate my confession." He explained while avoiding any eye contact with me. Suddenly, Soobin is very shy and I thought it was very endearing.

"Really?" I asked, still a bit of disbelief existed. He nodded his head.

"After you told Yeonjun what was up, he confronted me about it a day later. He wasn't mad at me or at you. He just wanted to clear it up. You know, he hates arguments." I could tell what he was alluding to and therefore what Yeonjun was trying to avoid.

"I didn't want you to feel bad for rejecting me. I might have overreacted a bit, but it wasn't really that big of a deal at the end of a day. I also knew how you felt in the last few days because of the Sunoo thing. Everything was just a bit chaotic. I'm sorry." I didn't need an apology from Soobin. Afterall, I just wanted him to forgive me. But hearing that from him made me more relieved than I first expected. And I was happy. Very happy.

I smiled at him sincerely, silently accepting the apology without having to say anything more to it. I was glad that this conversation, that I feared for days, was less worrisome than I thought it would end to be. Soobin returned my smile and let his hand fall back to his side.

"So, everything good between us?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered.

We looked at each other for a little more while, before Soobin suggested to go join the others. I nodded as an answer and Soobin was about to turn around and go, but he couldn't go anywhere as I quickly went up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He was surprised at my sudden move.

"I'm gonna be a good friend from now on." I promised and hugged him tighter, wishing to keep that promise. Hesitatingly, he returned my hug and embraced me.

"Me too."

Chapter Text

We broke out of the hug and after smiling at each other one more time, we did as Soobin had suggested and made our way to the others. We were already greeted by some playful smiles and an expression from Yeonjun that gave me an "I told you"-look.

I went up to him with an eye roll and took the hand he had stretched out for me. He pulled me down to him and I made myself comfortable on the ground. Soobin sat himself down next to Kai and Beomgyu, receiving a few hits on the shoulder with laughter.

"Could have been worse." Yeonjun whispered towards me while side eyeing Soobin in the midst. I did the same as Kai and Beomgyu and hit Yeonjun on the shoulder.

"You could have still warned me."

"Hmm, no." He replied feignedly thoughtful and I glared at him.

Yeonjun gave me an innocent smile. Afterall, he just wanted to help me. Yeonjun was the only one who could have spoken up the issue to Soobin and was also the only one able to prevent me from overthinking too much. I really appreciated it, even when I didn't show it at first.

I scooted closer to him, practically climbing over his stretched out leg so that I could sit myself right in front of him. Yeonjun let me do whatever I was trying to accomplish and watched me with sparkling eyes as I sat myself down on the ground again. He pushed his hands off the floor after propping himself up with them and wrapped his arms around my stomach. He then proceeded to rest his chin on my right shoulder, snuggling his face closer into mine.

It was a little awkward to show our intimacy publicly, in front of our friends. Most of all, the small tinge of worry, that it might make Soobin uncomfortable when he saw us like that, got immediately erased from my mind when I saw his unbothered self started to talk to Taehyun, who was sitting right next to us.

Meanwhile, Kai and Beomgyu stood up from their places with each of them holding a skateboard in their arms, and made their way down to a more flattened skater area. Then it was just us four left in the sitting circle, talking casually about all kinds of things, while Yeonjun was holding me tight in his arms and I embraced them as much as I could.

"Is your arm okay again?" Soobin asked, pointing at Taehyun's right arm that was supposed to be in a cast.

"Yeah, my doctor wasn't too happy about me taking off the cast by myself, but at least I can have more fun on skateboarding again." Taehyun explained while scratching his once injured arm. He really didn't give any care. The only other one acting so carelessly about their injuries was Beomgyu.

"Well, don't overdo it again, yeah?"

"I promise!" He smiled and gave a thumbs up.

"Next time we will sign it with our names." I joined the conversation.

"Not me though. I'm gonna give you the ugliest drawing you have ever seen and you have to live with it for the next four weeks." Yeonjun spoke and I had to laugh at his comment.

"Stop letting it sound like it's definitely going to happen!" Soobin exclaimed and hit Yeonjun's stretched out legs. We only had to laugh more at his move.

"It's not like I'm gonna die from having a cast again."

"True, but injuring yourself at the same places multiple times can cause some severe long term conditions."

"And since when were you a doctor?" Yeonjun asked with a playful judging tone, but Soobin ignored him deliberately.

I shifted my attention over to the wannabe bouncer, glimpsing over at us with a mischievous smile on his lips. A spark in me knew what he was thinking and what he was pondering to do, but I chose to ignore him when Yeonjun moved closer to me to try to get my attention.

"Looking at other men?" He asked me with a jealous tone, hearing the grin on his face out of his voice.

"Do you feel threatened?"

"Not by him." He grinned and continued to play his jealousy game.

"I hope you are not too jealous, because I hate jealous people." I said in a low voice to him. I fixed my eyes at his face after backing away from him. Yeonjun greeted me with an even wider grin, fully enjoying the jealousy act he is proceeding to present.

"Well, that's bad. What if I tell you that I am a jealous person?"

"Then we need to break up." I spoke straight away and turned my head forward again.

Yeonjun didn't let himself be put off by my sudden acted mood change and just continued to grin at me with delight, even chuckling at my sulky behavior. I heard his little giggle right at my ear, making my tummy fuzz up in adoration.

"Cute." Was the only thing I heard him whisper in my ear, before someone shouted something over to us with a loud, deep voice.

"Hey! No sitting, only skating!" Mike screamed on the top of his lungs.

My eyes wandered up my surroundings only to find out that Yeonjun and I were the only ones left sitting right next to the edge of the skate ramp. Soobin and Taehyun must have gotten up and left us alone while we were bickering about some stupid jealousy joke.

As every other person from our group was occupied with at least one skateboard, Yeonjun and I were the only people Mike could have meant when yelling his annoying commands. I stared at the guy on the other side of the skatepark, grinning at his friends who stood with him on the same spot as always.

I didn't move a muscle as I knew the little trick he plays with people, who are unknown to him. Especially now that he knows who I am and that I'm definitely not a stranger anymore, I was sure that he definitely tried to make a joke out of me by saying his very same phrase. I remembered what had happened with Yeonjun and his cousin when Mike used the same joke on them. I knew very well why Mike did that now.

"I guess we have to stand up now." Yeonjun stated and pushed the skateboard left to us forward with his flat hand on top of it. Only then I noticed that this board next to us even existed.

I turned my head over to where Taehyun was and noticed him watching Soobin skate on his own board. They took turns with that one skateboard and didn't seem to even mind. My gaze fell on the board next to us again, Yeonjun pushing it back and forth with his hand.

"A thought of mine would guess that this wasn't a coincidence." Yeonjun spoke, gesturing to the board beside us. I let my head fall into my hands, hiding my face from all the gazes looking at me.

"This is so embarrassing."

"What, Why?" Yeonjun asked with confusion, leaning his head further to me to try and look into my face.

"How many times does this guy want me to go skateboarding? Last time I almost fell."

Yeonjun laughed out loud at my embarrassed self. He scooted away from me and stood up from the ground, picking up the skateboard from the floor in the midst. I kept my face hidden from the outer world and only heard Yeonjun's footsteps from behind me coming in front of me. A hand softly wrapped itself around one of my wrists and proceeded to free my face with it.

"Come on, I'm not gonna let you fall. I promise."

I glared at him with one eye and tilted my head up in one movement, letting my other hand fall into my lap again.

"But in return you are gonna kill me with this thing, huh?" He looked at me, shocked. At first he didn't get what I was referring to and had a baffled gaze glancing down at me. Later on an amused smile appeared on his face, gesturing that he realized what I was trying to tell.

"You are not my cousin and you probably won't annoy me to death, right?"

I now also had the courage to rise from my sitting position and braced myself with my hands on the floor.

"Let's see. If you don't make fun of me."

A chuckle came out of Yeonjun again, but I faced forward instead and focused on getting down the skate ramp. Just like all the other times I have gotten down, I sat myself on the edge of the skate ramp and slid my way down to the large flat surface where the others were chillingly skating on their own.

The moment I stood up again, my eyes caught Yeonjun already beside me with the board under his arm. He didn't need that long to go down the skate ramp as I did, because he had visited the skate park more often than I did and due to the fact that he didn't fear to hurt himself at all.

"Are you ready?"

"No."

A wide smile appeared on his face, more amusing than reassuring. Yeonjun held out his hand to me and I took it without a glimpse of hesitation. We walked away from the skate ramp and further to the middle of the flat area to get more space for skating. It was the same spot where I last stood on a skateboard.

"Here." Yeonjun let the skateboard in his hand fall down on the ground with a casual hand movement, indicating that it clearly wasn't his first time handling a board. He stopped the board from moving away by putting the tips of his foot on the edge of it, leading it towards me and bringing it to a halt after.

"Show me what you learned." I looked up to him flabbergasted.

"Learned? What the heck should I have learned?"

"You can stand on a board, right? Then show me."

"I can't stand on it on my own, though." I explained to him and looked down on the board in slight fear. I remembered the unsteady feeling when I stood on a board once.

"Okay, then let me hold you." He suggested and stretched out his hands to me.

I stepped closer to the board and put one foot on the left side and one foot on the right side of it. Without breaking my eye contact from the top of the board, I took Yeonjun's hands and hesitantly put my left foot on the skateboard.

My foot felt the unstable ground beneath me, but I didn't back away from it. My hands wandered up to Yeonjun's forearms and I could already feel him tightening his arms to support me.

I counted to three, before I lifted my right foot up on the board. I leaned my whole body on my arms, which were held by Yeonjun, as there was the only sort of steady support that I felt while being on the board.

"Okay, now push yourself forward with one foot." Yeonjun instructed me and took a step to the side.

"Nah, I'll pass." I spoke towards the board. I wasn't ready to move a single muscle on this hell of a thing.

"Come on. I'm gonna catch you if there is a glimpse of a sign that you will lose balance. Now go." Yeonjun reassured and pressured me. My eyes looked up into his face, when I got the courage to leave the board unguarded. My expression made clear how I would rather not do what I was told, but I was going to try anyway.

I looked down on the board again and used my left foot to push myself forward. Quickly, I put my foot back next to the other and watched as I slowly drove forward with Yeonjun following me with little steps.

My small smile hid behind my hair falling into my face, but I sensed Yeonjun's gaze on me, smiling as well. It took a while until I fully enjoyed skating half on my own. When I got slower, my foot pushed the board forward again by stepping on the ground. I felt the evening breeze blowing through my hair and into my face. It was refreshing, comforting.

At some point Yeonjun held only one of my arms. He still followed me to the direction I was aiming and watched me trying to skate, without getting the urge to kill me with the skateboard.

"You're doing good." He commented with a low voice and grinned down at the board, watching as I pushed myself forward once more. His comment made me blush all of a sudden and I hid my face more behind my hair.

This all made me incredibly nervous all of a sudden, but in a soothing, exciting way. Maybe it was just Yeonjun's attention being fixed at me and only me, or his hands caressing my forearm just as my hand did with his. Or perhaps it was just the nighttime feeling that made me extremely nostalgic for some kind of reason.

I liked that. I liked this moment.

"Let's try it without me." Yeonjun said and without arguing about it or hesitating, I slowly let go of Yeonjun's arm and balanced myself on the skateboard.

To my liking, I didn't fall. And there was no sign that I would fall in the next seconds. I pushed myself forward again and again and again. It got fun with every push forward, with every wind that breezed stronger against my skin.

I felt like I could go on forever, just driving in the evening night and forgetting about everything that could possibly be a concern to me. I wasn't even scared of the possibility of falling down anymore. If I fall down, then I fall down. Screw the abrasions, bruises or other injuries. Skateboarding was the only thing that I wanted to do right now.

"WATCH OUT!"

The ground got practically yanked out from under my feet. I landed with my shoulder on the hard asphalt and felt the collision through my whole upper body. Gladly, I didn't hit my head but my right arm was throbbing in pain.

I rolled over to my back and held my right arm to protect it from any further collision that could make the pain worse. For the brief minute that the pain still shocked me, my eyes were closed, but I only opened them when I realized what had just happened.

I looked to the side right next to the skateboard I was standing on just now, and saw Beomgyu laying on his back as well. He didn't seem to be bothered about our collision with our boards at all. He was laughing, even enjoying the pain he was feeling in his upper back.

Beomgyu's laugh was more of a breathy cough, but that didn't stop him from continuing to laugh the pain away. I wasn't laughing. The pain in my right arm was something to not laugh about. Even if my arm wasn't severely injured, the enjoyment of being hit by another person to the ground was limited, very limited.

"That was so funny!" Beomgyu laughed beside me.

I picked myself up, propping my body on both of my arms even though my right arm still hurt a little. I saw Yeonjun running over to me in the corner of my eyes, but my gaze lingered on Beomgyu as he still smiled about the accident just now.

"Are you mental? Why are you laughing?" I exclaimed, my brows frowning with upset. Beomgyu sat himself up as well and brushed off the dirt on his pants.

"Chill, it's not like you hurt yourself badly. Falling off the board is essential for learning how to skateboard. It will grow on you."

"Does that mean you did it on purpose!?" I yelled a little louder.

Beomgyu said nothing to my accusation, but his mischievous smile, with which he now somehow regretted his action, revealed more than I needed to hear.

I grabbed the board next to me and attacked Beomgyu with it. He shielded his face with his arms and shouted in his high-pitched voice. The rage I felt inside me could only be eased with each punch I threw at Beomgyu. When he got up to move away from my blows, I simply followed him to where he was heading next.

"Stop it! I'm sorry!" Beomgyu yelled at me, but I continued hitting him with the board.

"I'll give you some essentials for skateboarding! And on top of that some bruises that will grow on you, just you wait!"

I couldn't continue to beat this brat as hands closed around my waist and prevented me from reaching Beomgyu. I tried everything to get out of Yeonjun's firm grip, but he was way too strong in holding me back.

"Okay, I think that's enough." He calmly spoke and embraced me tighter so that I quit moving around so much.

Eventually, I stopped targeting Beomgyu and put the board down, the raging inside me was still flaming up. Yeonjun grabbed the board from my hands and moved it away from me. He turned me around so that I could face him, my expression showed me sulking and upset.

"Are you hurt?" He asked with not much concern as he clearly saw that I was more than fine, but he still couldn't help himself with asking that question.

"Only emotionally." I breathed out and exhaled all the leftover rage in me.

"You are as crazy as Yeonjun's cousin." Beomgyu stated towards me and went to grab the board in Yeonjun's hand without breaking eye contact with me in case my inner raging soul would want to kill Beomgyu again.

"At least she didn't get pushed off the board on purpose!" I argued and it was enough for Beomgyu to keep more distance between us as he walked over to Taehyun, Soobin and Kai who couldn't stop laughing about the battle we just had, one-sided battle more likely.

Yeonjun turned his head back to me after he watched Beomgyu going away with Taehyun's board. He pulled me closer by the waist and smiled at me amusedly.

"Wanna try again?"

"Oh hell no."

I released myself from his embrace and left him by himself whilst heading towards the others. I clearly had enough of skateboarding.

Chapter Text

[17. September 2022]

There was a funfair this saturday, so we decided to go there as a group. We made up to meet each other at the entrance. The funfair was near a small forest, placed on a clearing that was used for most events around this area. I never really went to such events, only when I was little with my parents.

After the outbreak with Beomgyu, I didn't step another foot on a moving board, but instead sat myself with Yeonjun on the broad staircases at the rather back of the skatepark. We chatted a little until by and by came Soobin and Kai, then Taehyun and lastly Beomgyu. He still held a little grudge on me for almost breaking his arm with Taehyun's skateboard so he sat himself behind Kai right next to Yeonjun.

"I heard from Mike that there is a funfair next week." Kai told us.

"Oh, good. I still have to prove to Soobin that I'm stronger than him on the punching machine." Beomgyu exclaimed, at which Soobin reacted by rolling his eyes.

"You wish."

"Then let's go there." Yeonjun spoke up, his right arm embracing my bent leg.

"But I don't have any money." Taehyun pouted and looked at Yeonjun with big, sparkly eyes.

"I can help you out with that." I turned my head around to face Taehyun, sitting next to Beomgyu a staircase higher behind Kai.

"I thought you didn't have any money?"

"That was when I couldn't finish a month being employed." From the side I caught sight of Kai scratching the back of his head while looking away as he felt addressed by my comment. I had to chuckle at that.

"Thanks, then. I will pay you back." Taehyun said and smiled at me happily.

I made sure to bring enough money for Taehyun and me after we had made that out, storaged in a little bag with my phone and keys. I matched the color of my cardigan with the color of my bag, something I mostly tried to avoid. It was Yeonjun's favorite color, sunset orange. On my cardigan were little flowers in white. I liked that cardigan, especially after Yeonjun complimented me on it.

I had arrived at the entrance earlier than the others and I already expected that to happen. None of them really seem to be the kind to appear on time to any occasion except for maybe Soobin. For the time I was standing next to the entrance, watching strangers my age enter the funfair with their friends, I thought about all the things me and Yeonjun will do today.

We will go on a carousel, multiple times. We will buy us some candy and we will try to win some stupid, cheap plushie for one another on a sales booth. I will try to win a fish plushie, because he loves fish. The many night talks really clarified this.

My mind drifted so far away to the moments that will probably happen today, that I completely lost track of time. Even the sun got swallowed by the horizon by now. The sky got slowly darker and the lights from the funfair illuminated the area.

More people my age trotted past me with smiles on their faces, fully excited for the amusement rides they will go on tonight. My expectations of them arriving any time soon, slowly vanished.

I looked at my phone and wrote a text message to Yeonjun, asking where he was. I waited for about five minutes and when I looked back at my phone, the message still wasn't read. I refused to get worried and persuaded myself that they must be already inside, walking through the funfair searching for me.

Before I went inside, I gave the dark parking lot across from the entrance a last look and turned around when there still weren't any familiar faces to be seen.

The place was full of people. Tall, small. Young, old. It wasn't much difficult to navigate through the big crowd, but it didn't make it any easier to find Yeonjun or Soobin, yet alone the others. I looked out for Kai and Soobin the most as they were the tallest out of the group, but there was no sight of them.

I walked past various sales booths and candy stands, looked around the merry-go-round and searched for them near the ghost house. My chest wasn't strong enough to hold the anxious feeling back from occupying my whole body and I started to actually worry about their absence. They didn't forget it, Kai made sure that I remembered our meeting at the funfair. They wouldn't leave me alone here.

My feet brought me forward whilst my mind left the place a long time ago, wondering and worrying. I couldn't distinguish for how long I was looking out for them and how many times I went around the funfair. The text message I sent didn't help either, Yeonjun still hadn't read it yet.

When I stumbled over the cables behind a white sales booth at the other side of the funfair, I recognised familiar figures standing in a corner surrounded by other sales stands and the forest that showed complete darkness. First I noticed Kai's back being faced towards me and later on when walking closer to them, I caught sight of every other I have been looking for for about an hour now. I couldn't help but smile as a relief.

"Hey." I greeted them, but when I approached them more and more, I noticed that something was wrong. They didn't seem as happy as I expected them to be.

I stopped in my tracks, standing right in front of them, behind me the dark forest engulfing all the light that's coming from the fun fair. My sight immediately caught Yeonjun, who was facing to the ground right at Soobin's feet who stood left of him. I couldn't think of what could be wrong.

"Is everything okay?" I carefully asked and wanted to approach Yeonjun, but then I saw the faces of the others. Taehyun, Beomgyu, Kai, Soobin. They looked sad. No, disappointed. They looked disappointed. I gulped quietly and stepped away again. Only then I noticed Yeonjun holding something in his hand.

"Tell me one thing." Yeonjun clenched his teeth and tilted his head a little into my direction, but he didn't look at me. The paper in his hand crumpled more at his tight grip.

"When did you think of telling us the whole truth?" I stared at him. I was unable to breathe or to swallow down the lump in my throat.

"What are you talking about?" I whispered, scared of what he would say next.

He lifted his head up and I could see his furing eyes glaring at me with his brows turned downwards in anger.

"I'm talking about the fact that you lied about Sunoo. I'm talking about the things he allegedly said about us. I'm talking about your lies that you said into our faces WITHOUT ANY GLIMPSE OF GUILT!" He screamed aloud towards me.

I flinched, but not only because he suddenly screamed at me, but because of the reality finally hitting me. Because of everything collapsing right in front of me.

"I-" I blinked away the blurriness making its way in front of my eyes. What I couldn't blink away was the agony that I felt growing inside of my crumbling heart.

Yeonjun's glare darkened.

"You said he hated us. You said that he never even mentioned us the first time we met. You lied to our faces the whole time we knew each other, but for what?!" My whole body was trembling, the glowing lights in front of me made me dizzy.

"What did you accomplish with that? Did you want us to feel like shit? Because you were jealous? Tell me WHY!"

"OKAY, YES!'' I blurted out with a sob.

"I was jealous! Jealous, because he just couldn't stop talking about all of you! Everything was about you and only you! At every occasion Sunoo just couldn't shut up about saying how much he loved you all, how much he missed you and how much he regretted his stupid, childish outbreak! I was sick of it, so sick of it! I wondered every day how you all could be so important to him and I wasn't! I wanted him to acknowledge me just once! And even thinking about the ones that Sunoo couldn't seem to forget for even a minute, made me so angry that I didn't know what to do! I was angry and sad, but I regret it! I regret every word and every lie that I've said! I regret everything that made you feel bad and made you hate yourself. I'm sorry."

Yeonjun's expression got angrier and my eyes were practically glued on his face. The sobs escaping my mouth didn't prevent him from looking at me like that. Like he hated me.

"So you thought if you did the same to us, your hatred for us - no, you - would subside? Making us feel pathetic about ever griefing about losing our friend, because we found out that he actually hated us all along? Was that why you came to us to ask about Sunoo? To shit on our lives because you are clearly not happy with yours? How fucked up can you get?"

His words hurt more than what could have ever hurt me. The pain it gave me was like acid running through my veins, etching through my skin and eating me alive. My tears were burning, carving lines into my cheeks while my throat was unable to swallow all the misery I had to endure right now.

I could see the tears running down on Yeonjun's face while he glared at me with so much resentment. I knew I was egoistic, but I also knew that the letter he was crushing in his hand did not once mention my name in any way. It only proves what I just said. And still I wasn't expecting him or the others to ever notice it.

"What else did you lie about, hm? Everything you have told me was a lie."

"No, it wasn't." I whispered, but he couldn't hear me.

"Do you even have friends?" He asked snappishly, his voice was somewhat condescending.

My face broke out of my sobbing gaze and stared at him in shock. I wasn't prepared for a sentence that could hurt much more than every word he said beforehand. My eyes wandered to the others.

They were all disappointed. Not sad, not angry. Disappointed. And what made the disappointment in their gazes so much worse was the fact that it tortured me more than when they would have looked at me in sadness. Because they always looked sad. I was used to them looking sad. But now they knew the truth and they knew who was the one in the wrong. They hated themselves for thinking they were the reason Sunoo left without them. Now they were hating me for letting them think they were the guilty.

I fixed my eyes at Yeonjun again, but didn't say a word. He knew the answer anyway. Everyone knew the answer. My parents knew the answer. Sunoo knew the answer. Kai, Taehyun, Soobin and Beomgyu knew the answer. I wasn't their friend. I would never be their friend. Not after what I did. Not after their disappointed looks towards me.

"You never loved me." Yeonjun now said with a low voice, the grip around the letter loosened itself a bit. My eyes grew bigger.

"No. That's not true." I croaked and wanted to tell him the only thing that wasn't a lie at all.

"You played with me like I was some voodoo doll you could stab for fun."

"No. No, it's nothing like that." My voice failed me and my lungs started working slower than usual. I couldn't breathe.

Yeonjun didn't care to wipe away the tears on his face, I guess he didn't even realize he was crying.

"I don't believe you." How could he ever believe me again?

"But it's the truth." Yeonjun ignored my sentence and just looked at me, his face growing disappointed.

"I always think I can figure people out, but you have shown me how fake they actually are."

He crumpled up the letter in his hands into a ball, but he didn't throw it away. For a few more seconds, his eyes looked into mine. A glimmer of hope that he would believe me vanished as his gaze abandoned me and he turned to squeeze through Beomgyu and Taehyun and even further through the bustling crowd in the middle of the funfair behind them.

I was left with no one around me when Beomgyu and Taehyun decided to follow Yeonjun through the crowd and when Kai and Soobin gave me one more disappointed look before they started doing the same as the others.

The darkness behind me was no longer only swallowing the light from the funfair, but also me. I just stood there and looked at the place where Yeonjun was just a moment ago. I realized what was going on when I first saw their gazes looking at me, but my heart was only now finished keeping me alive. All that was left was a deep dark hole inside of me, erasing every good, fuzzy feeling that I ever felt and would ever feel.

I only felt torment, affliction, suffering, agony, sadness, hate, guilt, regret. I felt everything that I only felt when I was alone, on my own with my thoughts and my truth. I hated the truth. I hated myself.

The dizziness and the headache made it worse. I dropped to a crouch and cried. I cried alone in the corner behind the sales booth, while the darkness behind my back gave me a shiver down my spine.

I sobbed and couldn't even do it loudly. I swallowed all my emotions down my throat and watched as the scratchy pain filled my stomach with nausea. I hugged my knees tightly and hoped for it to make me feel better. It didn't.

I couldn't make myself feel better. Everything was my fault. I was the bad person. I am the bad person. Nothing could make that moment even slightly better. Nothing could undo the things I did. Nothing would reassure me that the things I did were justified. They weren't.

And I hated myself for that.

Chapter Text

[28. January 2022]

I sat at the end of a long dinner table. Left from me sat my mother, beside her my father. They were talking with our guests, also mother and father. I poked around in my food and didn't listen to their conversation.

Across the long table sat a boy, the son of the people sitting right of me. His black hair was covering half his eyes as he looked down at his food, also poking around in it but less energetically than I did.

My eyes were locked at him. His red, puffy eyes were the first thing that caught my attention. He looked as if he cried in the bathroom five minutes ago or as if he cried every night when going to bed. According to this occasion, and the fact that his parents didn't care a bit how he looked, I assumed that he looked so worn-down for a long time already.

His name was Sunoo. Sunoo looked more miserable than me. I didn't have red, puffy eyes, but I wasn't smiling either and I also couldn't swallow down any of the food plated before me. I watched as Sunoo lifted his head up to look at me.

"It was a good idea to meet up for dinner. Evolet and Sunoo have a lot of things in common. I believe they will get along just well." The mother of Sunoo said, whom I have never seen before. My mother and Sunoo's mother met at a blood donation center. I was still debating if it was a good thing that their chairs were directly beside each other.

"Of course! I think with a little more time, they could be good boyfriend and girlfriend to each other!" My mother replied.

So that's why I'm sitting at a table with complete strangers. I didn't know if my parents were pitying me or if they tried to be good parents. Either way, both would be absolute shit of them.

"I know that Evolet will be a good influence to my Sunoo. A good girlfriend is something he needs right now."

I didn't like her. Whatever the boy across from me did, that made him a possible bad son, I wasn't the one who could get him out of that status. Not to mention that I think this approach would do nothing to help fix his swollen eyes.

"Why don't you two go up to Sunoo's room and chat a little, hm?" Sunoo's mother spoke in my direction and I could only respond with a half kind smile that wasn't sincere at all.

I stood up from the table and Sunoo followed my action a little bit slower. We went up to his room and when Sunoo opened the door, I was greeted with the neatest cleaned teenage boy room I have ever seen. In my defense, I have never seen a teenage boy room up close.

The sad looking boy stood by the wall and didn't dare to interact with me in any way. He was either very shy or too sad to speak with me. It was probably both. I sat myself down on his bed and looked around the room. There was no single dust to be found on any of his furniture. It was weird. He was weird.

"Do you have like a cleaning mania?" He looked me in the eyes, confused.

"No." He answered, baffled. I felt like he saw me as weird, but he was the one radiating weirdness.

After a long minute of silence and awkward weirdness, Sunoo sat himself beside me, a big chunk of space between us. He fiddled with his fingers. Was he nervous?

"So." I leaned myself back on my hands and turned my head over to him.

"What did you do that made your parents talk about you like that?" He hesitated with his answer but he eventually opened up to me.

"It's not me who they think is the bad one."

"And who is it then?" He turned his head to me, pondering if to continue to talk. I didn't know if it was my presence that calmed him down enough to open up to me or if it wasn't even me who made him talk about it.

"My friends. My parents don't like them."

"What did they do?"

"They aren't like the kind of friends my mother wants me to have. They do things that get them in trouble often and things that get them injured occasionally."

"And now your mother thinks I'm better than them?" Sunoo nods shyly. I puckered my face. He gave me an apologetic smile.

"Well I can try, but I'm not the kind to make one become a better person." I quietly chuckled, but Sunoo found it only half as funny.

"If it makes your parents feel less distressed about your rebellious side, maybe we could pretend like we were close." I'm not really keen on being friends with someone just because my parents want me to. I know they set me up with him because they know that I have trouble finding friends. Not many people like who I am.

Sunoo's expression lightened up just a little, but it was enough for me to feel delighted by it. He quickly nodded at my suggestion and I reached my hand out for him to shake. He did as I gestured and our deal was set.

I'm not mad at myself for giving my love to the wrong people; they probably needed it the most ~faraway

[10. February 2022]

Sunoo and I were lying on a large blanket spread out on the grass in the park near his house. I watched the clouds above me pass me by and the treetop next to me sway in the light wind.

The back of my hand was slightly touching the back of Sunoo's hand. I wanted to take his hand in mine. Sunoo was talking about Yeonjun. He mostly talked about Yeonjun. His favorite color was sunset orange and he had a car that looked like it was ten years old. I knew more about him than about Sunoo.

But I knew Sunoo enough to feel things for him, things that he didn't feel about me. At least that was what I was expecting. Next thing, he talked about Taehyun. He liked skateboarding and was known to get himself injured the most.

After we decided on our pretend-relationship, we hung out almost every day. Our parents believed every single lie that we acted out in front of them, but in reality we were just friends. Friends who listened to each other talk about their friends. Sunoo talked about Kai, who likes baseball and playing sick to not go to his job.

Sunoo smiled more when he talked about his friends and even though I hated when he talked about them, I couldn't help but admire his cute smile that he always faced me with. It didn't take long for me to get a crush on him and whilst we were in a fake relationship, why not act like it was real?

I would be a good girlfriend. I listened carefully to every single word he said. I could remember every single detail of the things he had ever said to me. For example, when he talked about his friend Beomgyu. He plays guitar and listens to My Chemical Romance. Or when Sunoo told me about his other friend, Soobin. He likes to read books and wants to publish one himself one day. He promised Sunoo to mention him in it when the time comes.

"Sunoo?" I interrupted him.

"Hm?"

"I did something you will probably not be happy about." He turned his head to me in confusion. I kept my gaze fixed at the sky.

"What is it?" Sunoo asked, after I couldn't continue talking on my own. I was nervous. The possibility of him not liking me in that way was big.

"What if we...don't pretend anymore?" I looked over to Sunoo. His big, sparkling eyes radiated more confusion. He didn't expect that.

"I mean in the kind of...dating for real." He didn't say a word. He looked at me with large eyes and I couldn't decipher what went on in his little head. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he irritated by me falling in love with him? Did he feel the same?

"What would be the difference?" He asked.

"The difference is that I like you. I like you without pretending to."

His eyes examined me. He figured out if it was real what I was saying. And it clearly was. I liked him. I liked him very much.

"But for it to make a difference, the other must feel the same way." I said calmly, my fingers sliding against his fingers.

"I like you too." Sunoo smiled. He took my hand in his and his smile grew. I smiled back, probably brighter than he did if that was even possible.

We stared at each other with admiration for a few more minutes and then looked back at the sky. His hand in mine and my hand in his. He squeezed my hand lightly and I squeezed back. The butterflies in my stomach threw a party while fireworks spread their sparkles all over my body.

I don't blame you for not loving me, I blame you for pretending you did ~ j.b. [unlovable]

[18. June 2022]

He wouldn't ever notice, but I wished he would know how it pains me. It pains me when he talks about his friends. He never talks like that about me. I guess no one talks about their partner like that when they are right in front of you, I don't know if a relationship works like that or not. He is my first boyfriend.

"Why did you need so long?" I asked him as Sunoo put his bag down next to his cabinet.

We made up to meet at his place. When I rang the bell at his house, his mother opened for me and told me that Sunoo isn't there at the moment. She insisted that I wait for Sunoo in his room. I did what she asked me for and waited. I waited an hour.

"I'm sorry. I forgot that we had arranged to meet today. My mother texted me an angry message and I came as fast as possible." I was hurt, hurt that he forgot me, but it was the first time that it happened. I shouldn't be angry at something that happened only once, and he apologized right after.

"I didn't want to wait for you in your own room all alone." I said, giving my own apology for something that wasn't even a big deal.

"Don't worry, Beomgyu and Taehyun kept inviting themselves to my room all the time." There it was again. Names I grew to hate. It stung in my ear like a severe earache.

"Yeah." I mumbled and looked down on my hands, fiddling with my fingers.

Sunoo seemed to not notice my darkened mood and sat himself on the bed, taking out his phone and occupying himself with it. I kept toying with my fingers for the next fifteen minutes, completely losing track of time as I overthought the sentence he said to me last.

"You know I'm not like your friends. I will never be like them." I whispered towards my hands. Sunoo peered over his phone and looked at me.

"I know. I don't expect you to be like them."

"But you wished that they would be here with you now instead of me. Am I right?" I lifted my head up to him.

His gaze turned from slightly puzzled to an apologetic look. In the corner of my eyes I could see his left hand, his index finger scratching his thumb consistently. He couldn't form a sentence as he knew that it wouldn't be something that I wanted to hear. His kind gesture to remain silent did not make my crushing heart hurt any less.

The silence after that engulfed my presence until I forgot that I wasn't alone in this room. I didn't cry, but I didn't feel happy either. I stared blankly at the wall across the room and scratched my fingers and peeled the skin off of them.

Sunoo didn't comfort me. He knew that it would contradict his speaking silence and that it would make me cry. I knew that. I knew that he couldn't handle situations like that and I knew that I now wasn't the only one feeling significantly uncomfortable being in this room.

I guess there really wasn't a difference between a real and a fake relationship.

Both of them were purely one sided.

And all I loved, I loved alone ~ Edgar Allan Poe

[9. July 2022]

In front of me is the door to Sunoo's house. I rang the bell and waited for one of his parents to open it. I stared at the door until I saw the face of Sunoo's mother before me. She looked sad and way older than two weeks ago. She had swollen eyes and her hair was undone. Normally, her hair was in a strict bun, but since the day Sunoo left, she didn't care about her looks.

Sunoo's mother weakly smiled at me and I returned it with the same apologetic and sad gaze. She didn't say much to me as she already knew why I came. She gestured with her hand to the staircase next to the entrance. I followed where she pointed at and went on my way up to Sunoo's bedroom. Sunoo's mother didn't follow me upstairs but remained in the living room where she probably tried to avoid crying.

I pushed the door open and entered the room. The first time I was here, the room was cleaned to the last spot. Every little thing was at its place, where it was supposed to be. The bed was tucked, the drawers were neat and the floor was empty, there was nothing you could possibly step on.

Now it was the complete opposite. The bed wasn't made, one of the pillows laid flat on the floor while the bed sheet touched the ground with one side as the other was still on the bed. The drawers were left open, ones half empty and ones very messy looking. The clothes, previously in the drawers, were plastered all over the ground. You had to watch where to step.

Carefully, I made my way to Sunoo's bed and looked at it. The last time I sat on his bed, it was perfectly cleaned up, not a single wrinkle in the duvet. On the free surface on the bed cover shimmered a small bracelet. It had six pendants attached to it: a book, a skateboard, a baseball bat, a guitar, a car and the letter L.

I took it into my hands and inspected the pendants closer. Did he forget? Or did he leave it here on purpose? But why would he leave it on the bed just like that? It was the first thing I noticed when going into the room. Was I supposed to find it? Or didn't he even think of me when packing his things so carelessly?

I turned around and sat myself on the bed, pushing away the bed spread to sit on the bed cover. I let the bracelet slip through my fingers, letting it fall onto the palm of my other hand and doing the same thing again and again and again.

He left. Without a word. Without saying goodbye. Without ever indicating that he wanted to leave. Where did he go? I pondered and there was only one answer that felt right.

It was them.

It was because of them. If it weren't for these boys, he would have never left. He would have been with me and maybe at one point, he would have liked me back. He would have liked me just as I liked him. It was their fault.

I let my body fall on my back. I stared down the ceiling and thought about Yeonjun. Sunoo liked him the most. Why didn't he do something? Why didn't he come to Sunoo's house and apologize for the things he did? He left him and then Sunoo left me. It's his fault. He should have been a better friend.

Every one of them should have been a better friend. I hate them. I hate them so much. Didn't they know how painful it is to lose someone you like so much? Didn't they know how I felt when Sunoo always talked about them and never acknowledged me? How could they be so nasty towards him when he always talked about them so fondly?

I held the bracelet close to my chest, the ceiling turning slowly black as I fixed myself on this one particular spot right above me.

They should know how I feel. They should feel as hurt as I feel. I feel heartbroken, lost, alone. They should feel that, not me. I should feel happiness, joy, pleasure. They should be in misery, crying about Sunoo and wishing they did something to prevent him from going.

I hate them. I despise them. They aren't allowed to feel happiness, to feel anything that was remotely good. I wanted them in pain, the much pain I was in right now. The tears left my eyes and rolled down my cheeks, landing on the white bed cover and staining it.

I was sad and I cried. They probably weren't crying. I frowned and watched as the ceiling turned pitch black. The straining of my face hurt, but I didn't care. I could only think about how much I wanted to hurt them. They deserved it. All this time I felt alone while Sunoo was in the room. All this time I felt like the fifth wheel when I was with him. They were always there, in his head, in my head. I knew them better than I knew Sunoo, I know that now.

I know what they like. I know what they hate. I know how they act, I know how they look, I know everything about them.

I opened my eyes. I felt angry. I was angry at them. I never met them, but it doesn't feel like it. I know them better than they know me.

They don't know me. But I know them.

Let's start with that.

Chapter Text

[3. October 2022]

A headache spread through me. I didn't want to open my eyes. The sun was too bright and the headache would worsen. But there was no other way. I peeked between my half open eyelids and glared directly at the window filled with sunbeams. The headache worsened.

I didn't want to stand up. My body feels heavy and my legs feel wobbly. When I stand up, my head would turn off for a few seconds before it would turn itself on again. My body forced me to lay down again, but I couldn't do what it demanded.

It was like every other day since... . Since what? Since I ruined everything? Since I saw his tortuous look glaring at me? Since I saw their disappointed expressions, telling me how terrible I am?

It felt like my life ended when I exited the funfair that night. I couldn't even remember when or how I went home. I just did. And after that my days felt the exact same. Agonising, torturous, numb, pernicious.

I wake up. I lay in my bed. I cry. I sob. I try to sleep. I stare at the wall. I listen to my stomach begging me for food. I feel nauseous while thinking about food. I cry again. I look at the clock. I try to sleep. I cry. I sob. I fall asleep.

Every single day was the same. And it repeated itself, every day. It never seemed to end.

I wake up. I lay in my bed. I cry. I sob. I try to sleep. I stare at the wall. I listen to my stomach begging me for food. I feel nauseous while thinking about food. I cry again. I look at the clock. I try to sleep. I cry. I sob. I fall asleep.

Sometimes I even cried because of how my life was now. Because of all the nothingness and suffering. But the one thing I never questioned was if I deserved all this. Because I certainly did. And because of that, I felt worse than ever. I felt worse than when Sunoo left me.

I look at the clock. My shift will start at 8am. There was still an hour left to do everything. Get up, wash up, dress up. When I've done these things and went down to the basement, I wondered how quick I was with getting all this down in less than thirty minutes. It felt like my mind skipped this part of my day, couldn't cope with the sudden back to life mentality.

I was on sick leave for the last two weeks. I wouldn't have been able to look Kai in the eyes after what happened at the funfair. I still wasn't able to do that. But either I will go to work now or quit my job. I already knew what disadvantage it would bring me if I quit my job again.

I locked my bicycle at the bike stand in front of the café shop. I took my time doing it, fake struggling with the locker so as to not have to go in earlier. It wouldn't change anything. He would still hate me. The disappointment in his gaze terrified me the most.

I turned around, peeked through the window into the shop and saw him. Kai stood bent over the coffee machine waiting for the coffee to be ready to serve. I only saw his back, but that was enough for my throat to lace up and my heart to beat extremely faster. I could feel how my body couldn't handle the anxious feeling that was coming up, it was too weak by now.

I pushed open the door with two hands, hearing the bell ring above me as I entered my workplace. My eyes avoided Kai's gaze, if he even looked at me right now. I slouched to the back room and put my apron on. I took my time with that as well.

My hand clutched the handle of the door back to the café shop. My hand was sweating. I don't need to greet him. I could just keep standing at the checkout and avoid his gaze. It was that easy.

I opened the door and made my way to the checkout. Kai was gone to serve the coffee to an older lady in the back of the café. I glimpsed in his direction multiple times to know when I would start avoiding him. He looked up.

My eyes flashed towards the window left from me. I tapped with my fingers on the counter and tried to seem unbothered. I wasn't unbothered. I had faked so much in the time from locking up my bike to now, with acting as if it was the most boring thing that we didn't talk anymore.

In the corner of my eyes, I could see him standing at the other end of the counter also waiting to get a task. Did he also feel the need to talk with me? I wanted to say so many things to him. How I was sorry. How I regretted lying to him. How I didn't hate him anymore. I didn't hate them all anymore. I can't even remember when it actually caught me that I don't actually hate these people. Maybe I knew it from the beginning. Or maybe only recently. I didn't know.

My body turned towards his direction. I looked at him, my gaze probably pleading for forgiveness. But how much more could I embarrass myself? Kai wrote something on a little paper, doing his little chores that must be done in a day. He didn't give me any kind of attention.

I heard my mouth whisper his name, but my voice was so quiet that he didn't hear it. I cleared my throat.

"Kai, can we maybe ta-"

"Evolet, stop it." He said to me in a low voice so that the customers wouldn't hear him. He took the little paper in his hands and looked up into my face.

His brows were furrowed in anger and it gave me a sting in the chest. It was the kind of anger that you would show to a toddler that did something wrong. As if I weren't capable of reasoning and if he would be massively disappointed in what I did. The only difference was that he didn't forgive me that easily like you would with a kid. I should have been capable of reasoning, but I was stubborn, childish.

Kai turned around and went through the door into the backroom. At the same time, a customer stood on the other side of the counter, waiting for me to give him my attention. I only did it half heartedly as my mind was still fixed at the look Kai gave me just seconds ago. It gave me a shiver down my spine and a cramped feeling deep in my chest. The thought of someone acknowledging my existence right now made me incredibly uncomfortable. How am I supposed to survive this day and any other days after?

At the end of my shift, I watched as Kai folded his apron and put it into his locker neatly. He didn't need much effort to ignore me, but I needed a lot of effort. My eyes constantly glimpsed at him and looked at what he was doing, waiting for any sign that could possibly mean redemption to me.

But there was none. Kai just closed his locker and made his way out of the employers only room. I stood there frozen, holding my apron in both of my hands and waiting for my body to move again. How long should this continue until we were complete strangers again?

I put my apron in my locker and closed it. I grabbed the little bag I brought with me and left the room. I was just about to open the entrance of the shop, when I saw Kai standing outside with another person. He was tall and had dark brown hair. Soobin.

My body flicked around in a fast movement, shakingly making its way towards the empty café table on the left of me. I instinctively put my bag down before me and rummaged around in it as if I searched for my keys.

I couldn't turn around. Not now, not now. What if they are staring at me, talking about me behind my back? What are the looks on their faces? Are they grossed out by me, angry at me, disappointed in me? Do they feel any kind of remorse for me?

My head tilted to the side and I peeked between my hair, through the window and over to the two boys. They were talking with each other, completely ignoring my existence beside them. I should just wait until they are gone.

But they didn't leave. It felt like hours went by that they stood right in front of my bike, chatting with each other as if they couldn't do it at any other place. In fact it was just five minutes that they stood there, but five minutes felt like a lifetime since two weeks ago. Five minutes is enough time to destroy everything you ever loved.

My hands remained on my bag, but my face was now fully directed towards Kai and Soobin. They didn't look at me. I wasn't even sure if they knew that I stood there. Alone, desperately yearning for a positive reaction from them for me. The sight was laughable, embarrassingly even.

I saw as Kai searched for something in his pockets. He was missing something and he spoke to Soobin before he turned around to where I was standing, gaze fixed at them, and opened the door to the café. Kai walked past me and didn't dignify me with another look, but Soobin's gaze fell on me and stayed on my face.

There was quite no expression that I could have identified off of him. Maybe a glimpse of surprise and shock that I stood there, but otherwise nothing that was remotely meant in a kind way.

We stared at each other, couldn't take away our gazes from one another and deciphered what to do with the other's presence. I couldn't leave just like that as Soobin was blocking the way to my bicycle and he couldn't leave just like that because he was waiting for Kai to get what he forgot to take with him.

Just as I thought of him, Kai came out of the employers only room and went back to Soobin standing outside of the café. He mouthed something that told Soobin that they could go now and with that he didn't dignify me with another glance one more time.

The rigidity in me loosened and I pulled my bag over my shoulders. I left the café and walked towards my bicycle. I said to myself not to look down the path Kai and Soobin were walking along, but I couldn't listen to myself.

I stared at them until they turned off to another street. It was just like they never knew me, as if they had never met me. I felt terrible. I unlocked my bike and pulled it out of the bicycle stand. I didn't bother to get on the bike and instead pushed it beside me and walked home. I took the opportunity to have a look at the road Kai and Soobin turned into, as I had to take the same path as them. They were gone.

My bed was something I wanted to throw out the window. The feeling of it, the memories of it, may it be good or bad, I hated it. I couldn't afford to buy a new one, but what difference would it make? It was still the same room, the same floor, the same walls that it was surrounded with.

My body fell face down on the undone bed and stayed there for two minutes. Two minutes of trying not to breathe and almost suffocating on the loneliness that I inhaled with my mouth and nose. I turned to the side and curled myself up into a ball, clutching onto my knees while I felt the sickening headache come back and the tears wanting to stroll down my face.

I wanted a solution to it all, but how was I able to get redemption if no one was willing to help me with that? I had no one but the horrible mindset of ruining everyone's life, including mine. Did I deserve redemption? Did I deserve to be loved ever again? Or was I too much of a risk that could hurt anyone at my pleasure?

The only thing I knew was that I only hurt people if I got hurt by them. And it wasn't particularly them that hurt me. It wasn't them who decided or not decided to treat me like an irrelevant being, forced to hang out with it as one's parents demanded.

And it wouldn't have been right to do the same thing with Sunoo as I did with the others. It wouldn't have been right to hurt him as much as I hurt them, as much as Sunoo hurt me. I should have done it differently, I know that. I knew it from the beginning and still the pain in me misled me to do the worst thing I ever did.

I wanted to fix things. I wanted to apologize, not like a kid but like an adult that was capable of reasoning.

And I knew where to start.

Chapter Text

[7. October 2022]

Sunbeams struck my skin as I stood outside on the gravel pitch. I stared at the swimming pool building and at the many windows, some glass was smashed and some glass held itself steady in the frames.

I had looked at this building many times, but this was the first time that I looked at it and felt compassionate about it. This building was just like me, worn down, abandoned, probably felt bad for not having done any good for the people it was supposed to make happy.

My fingers scratched my left hand, then proceeded to scratch my other hand. Since the porcelain from my old workplace cut into my skin, little scars remain on my palms. They didn't hurt, but they itched a little when I was nervous. And I was incredibly nervous.

I had thought about where he could be, unraveled the places where it was most possible for him to hang around and deciphered what best to say to him. With one thing I succeeded. His car stood right behind me, parking at the very spot where it always stood.

I walked over to the window at the bottom right of the left side of the building, the entrance we or they always use. I put my hands on the window frame to prop myself and jumped inside with one knee placing itself on the frame too. I pulled my other knee up as well and didn't hesitate when pushing myself up with my hands to get up from the ground.

I wiped the dirt off my pants and cleaned my hands. It was the first time that I got inside the swimming pool myself. It wasn't that I couldn't have done it on my own, Yeonjun just always helped me because he's a decent person, not like me.

I lifted my head and looked at the smaller swimming pool in the middle of the room. There he was, sitting on the racks behind the small pool, looking down at his hands in absence. I couldn't decipher the expression he had on his face. Fully focused on his thumb rubbing the palm of his left hand, brows slightly furrowed that it seemed like he looked sad and angry simultaneously. The sight of him looked kind of lonely.

My feet didn't want to make the first move. I was stuck at the place I stood in right now, staring at the boy who was not yet aware of my presence. But when I saw a little twitch from his brows, seeming like something hurtful came into his mind, my body unfroze from its paralyzed state and moved forward.

I tiptoed past the large pool, didn't make any move to get inside or to get anywhere near him. I wondered how long it would take for him to notice me, hoping he really just didn't ignore me. Almost halfway past the large pool, he lifted his head up and looked at me.

There was nothing in his expression except for boredom. He didn't look upset or angry at all, but he also didn't look sad or disappointed. Every part of his gaze showed boredom towards me and I didn't know if that was relieving or worrisome. Was he even surprised that I stood there or was he expecting me to come here?

Yeonjun didn't say a thing to me and I did the same. I knew I am the one to start talking, after all I was the one to come here and apologize. But my throat was constricted with words, words that I couldn't form into sentences.

He stared at me like he didn't even expect me to start talking, not even a look that told me to piss off. He just...stared at me. He looked at every part of my face and probably had a lot of questions. Or none at all.

Maybe it were the dark circles under my eyes or my pale skin that caught his eyes especially. Or maybe it was my body swaying slightly back and forth as the sun shined at me immensely, reminding me that I was severely dehydrated and hungry. My wide open eyes looking at him make it look as if I didn't even notice or care about this appearance of mine. And I really didn't, thinking about how I lived like this for almost three weeks now.

The warmth inside the building let the compress taped on my cheek feel itchy and sweaty as well as the plaster on the bridge of my nose. The deep abrasions burned and made me feel giddy. Maybe that was what he was staring at.

"Hi." I managed to whisper to him. He didn't return my greeting and just continued looking at me. Maybe the staring should tell me to go away. I fumbled with my fingers and constantly changed the weight on my feet.

"What happened to your face?" Yeonjun quietly asked, but his gaze remained unfazed. My gaze drifted away from his face, but wandered back quietly after.

"I fell from my bicycle." I answered.

"Hm." He hummed and looked down at his hands again.

"Must have been fun to look at. Perhaps if I had seen it up close, I would have forgiven you now."

"So if I do it again, you would forgive me?"

"No." He lifted his head up to me, his gaze telling me to stop with the jokes and I did. I gulped down my words and looked down to my hands.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to the ground and breathed out with a quiver.

"I came here to tell you the truth and only the truth. I don't care if you will forgive me after that, you have every right not to. But I owe you an explanation. You deserve it."

I peeked up at him a little and when I noticed that he didn't interfere with my deed, I walked over to the edge and jumped down into the large pool. I took a few steps closer to Yeonjun and stopped a few meters before the racks. He still said nothing against my attempt to explain, which gave me the sign to continue.

"Everything that I said about Sunoo and me was true. We were in a relationship for almost six months and we had never kissed each other even once. What I didn't tell you was that our parents arranged us together because they thought it would be better for Sunoo to have someone with a good influence." I couldn't stop scratching my palms.

"We made a deal for a fake relationship, but that didn't hold long as I started to develop actual feelings for him." The thought of it made me sad. I really did like him. I liked him so much, but at the time I didn't know what he actually felt for me and what he would do to me.

"Then we were in an actual relationship, but..." I inhaled sharply, shaky.

"I just wanted him to actually acknowledge me as his girlfriend or at least as his friend. But he continued treating me like I was forced to be there by his parents. I hated that everything that I ever wanted from him got spent on thoughts and memories of you." I looked up at Yeonjun and wanted him to understand. I wanted him to understand my motives, even if none would be reason enough to do something as terrible as I did.

"I grew to despise every one of you for the mere reason that he loved you more than me. And it wasn't your fault at all and I know that. I knew that at the time at the sleepover. I knew that when I first met Taehyun. I knew that when I was in Sunoo's room after he left." I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts. Yeonjun looked at me, but his gaze didn't change. What should I do for him to forgive me?

"What I did was terrible. Horrible. I lied to you all and made you feel like you were the reason Sunoo left whereas I acted innocent the whole time. I could have told you the truth from the beginning, but I felt so hurt from you being Sunoo's favourite that I completely fucked it up." My eyes started to tear up, but no tear was willing to escape my eyes. My voice got more quivery, but I could hold it steady.

"It is no excuse, my anger at you or the hurtful feeling from Sunoo ignoring me. Nothing of it all is excuse enough to justify my actions and the pain that I gave you." My gaze turned sad and my face hurt from strenuously trying to keep my expression steady. Yeonjun's unbothered gaze made it hurt worse.

"But other than that there were things I didn't lie about. I didn't lie about the feelings I have for you. I didn't lie about all the times I blushed at your words or smiled as you spoke. I was always excited to see you and all I wanted was to make you and the others happy. And I failed at that miserably." I couldn't tell how long I've been playing with my hands, but I felt them get numb from the continuous scratching and fumbling of my fingers.

"And these feelings made me feel jealous of Sunoo, because you all loved him so much too. He was always on your mind no matter how good or bad these thoughts were. And my every wish was to just receive the same amount of love as well, but it felt like Sunoo was always in the way with that."

I slowly lost the strength to speak, to explain, to fight. Every word that I said, it seemed like Yeonjun's gaze turned more unfazed and bored. I doubted that he would consider forgiving me by now. Maybe I had already lost this debate a long time ago.

"I love you, Yeonjun. I love you so much. I love you so much that I don't even want you to see me ever again because I know that it would make you happier. I care for you and I would do anything for you to live a life in peace and happiness. Even if it would mean to never see you or the others ever again." I stopped speaking and exhaled the last of my strength. Tears rolled down my cheeks, but my face still held itself together. It was the silence that didn't make it clear yet what would happen next that made me hold on to the last bit of hope in me.

Yeonjun sighed and looked at his thighs, his hands were propped up on the rack. The silence grew and I didn't know how long I was standing there, waiting for an answer from Yeonjun. Whatever it would be, the silence should finally stop.

"You are right. You indeed fucked it up." Yeonjun spoke calmly and then looked at me again.

"But with one thing you are wrong."

He slid around to the other side of the rack and jumped down. I watched him coming over to me, slowly and steadily. Yeonjun stopped across from me, still keeping a distance.

"I wouldn't be happier without you." His expression seemed to have changed a little. His brows were arched upwards, making him seem to have brief sympathy.

He took a step forward and kept eye contact with me. He took another step forward and another. When he was only an arm's width away from me, he lifted his hand up and put his right hand on my healthy cheek, stroking it with his thumb. He was all occupied with this one movement and kept quiet.

"You had it rough, didn't you?" He whispered to me and caressed my cheek that blushed from his touch. His words made me cry even more and because I couldn't use my voice, I just nodded trembling.

He sighed again and released his hand from my cheek. Yeonjun looked down at the ground. I couldn't fill my lungs with air as I was too anxious of what he would say next.

"I'll be honest with you, I was glad I hadn't seen you in the last few weeks." His words made my throat tighten.

"And I wished to never see you again. A part of me even thought that I hated you more than Sunoo." I gulped anxiously. Yeonjun lifted his head up to me.

"But there was something that I only realized when you really hurt my feelings." He stopped talking and I stopped breathing. My eyes couldn't look away from him no matter how much I wanted to avoid his gaze as it made me even more afraid. He tiptoed on his feet and took a small step closer to me before looking into my eyes again.

"I wasn't angry at Sunoo because he left without us. I was angry at him because he couldn't give me a chance to forgive him." My whole attention was drawn to his words, my whole existence was fixed at his voice.

"I was upset that he wrote the letter to apologize to us, but it was his choice to do it with a letter and not in person where I could have told him every little thing down to a forgiveness." He took another step closer and was now so close to me that I could almost feel him breathing.

"But I can forgive you." He whispered to me and reached his hand up to the compress placed on my cheek. He touched it slightly with his fingers and I could feel the compress pressing down on my abrasion a little. I hissed almost invisibly, but Yeonjun still backed away with his fingers.

"I forgive you." He quietly whispered, almost inaudible.

The immense burden fell from my heart. The pressure vanished off my body and the tears streamed down my face and I didn't care how I looked right now because the only thing I cared about was him.

He lifted his other hand and put it on my healthy cheek again. He caressed it and looked at me even though I couldn't look at him right now. I felt that I could finally look away from him without having to fear never seeing him again. Yeonjun lifted my chin up a little so that I had to look into his eyes either way. His big eyes were examining my face.

"We don't belong to you." He spoke with a mild strict tone and I nodded in understanding, the tears drying on my skin.

I heard a sigh come out of him before he pulled me to his chest and hugged me tightly. My hands wrapped itself around his waist and I couldn't stop myself from quietly sobbing into his chest. Yeonjun didn't care. He just proceeded to stroke my hair and let his cheek rest on the top of my head.

"I love you." I quivered into his shirt and held him close to me with a tight grip.

"I know." He replied, which made me cry even more.

"I love you too."

Chapter Text

[8. October 2022]

I lay on my bed, looking at Yeonjun who was sleeping next to me. It must have been early in the morning because the sun was shining out of the window, but no rays of sunlight were shining directly into the room.

His sleeping gaze looked so calm and pretty. The look at him gave me the urge to touch him, feel his smooth skin and his squishy cheeks. I wanted to touch his lips and feel the softness of them on the tips of my fingers. I had missed looking at him from up close.

He drove me home, insisted on doing it without taking in any kind of rejection from my side. He said that I wouldn't really love him if I refused his suggested service. Of course it was a joke, but I still thought about whether it was already the right time to turn this topic into a humorous act.

On the way, I debated if I should ask him to stay at mine. I couldn't decipher how the mood was between us and if it was okay to ask such questions. At the end, I asked anyway. And he said yes.

Now he was laying beside me, sleeping. His right hand rested under the pillow his head laid at and his other hand between us next to his stomach. His breathing was steady and calm. Nothing on his face was strained, it was all soothed out and full of peace. I wondered if he also had so many sleepless nights as I did the last few weeks.

I reached my right hand over to his face and gently touched the little hair strand that covered one of his eyes. I brushed his hair behind his ear, some remained there and some fell back in front of his eye. I didn't mind, I could look at his beautiful face either way.

My fingers wandered down to his cheek, caressing it, feeling it. It was smooth, it was soft. Yeonjun still didn't wake up, so I let my fingers run down his jaw and over to his plump lips. My thumb placed itself on his bottom lip and moved itself from one side to the other. His lips were never the slightest rough. They were always soft and plump and squishy. They were perfect to kiss.

I continued to investigate his face with my fingers, brushed away another hair strand, ran my fingers over his brows, moved them along the bridge of his nose until my fingers remained on touching his soft cheek. Then I saw Yeonjun slowly open his eyes.

I flicked back my hand to myself and stared into his eyes in shock. I hoped that he didn't catch me, but the mild grin on his face told me that he had felt every little touch of my fingers on him.

He didn't say a thing to my touchy investigations and only put his hand around my waist to pull me closer to him. Yeonjun closed his eyes again and smiled at himself in delight, rubbing his hand up and down my back. Then he opened his eyes again and looked at me.

"I will never not love you staring at me." He whispered and I blushed at that.

"One of us must be the staring one."

"You think that I never stare at you?" Yeonjun asked with a confused look on his face paired with an amused smile. I shook my head and he let out a chuckle.

"You are so oblivious." He continued chuckling and I held my hand before my face, hiding my embarrassment.

"If we are being honest right now then I can also admit that I do stare at you regularly." I said from behind my hand.

"I know that."

"But I never admitted that." I pulled my hand away and looked into his eyes.

"You are attractive. How can I not stare at you?" A grin formed on his lips.

"Of course I'm attractive, why else should you especially stare at me?" I hit his shoulder lightly at his narcissistic comment, but also laughed at it as I loved his self-centered comments.

"If I may also admit..." He then spoke with his grin growing wider and wider.

"I also do stare at you, because you are really cute and I love the way you blush constantly." I blushed again. I blushed at the words that Yeonjun loved, how I always blushed. It was too much blushing for me.

"And how could anybody not stare at someone so pretty and lovely as you?" His grin was at maximum capacity.

"Stop that now." I laughed, overwhelmed with all those compliments no one ever gave me.

"But I love appreciating you." He countered and brushed my hair behind my ear, before placing it back around my waist.

I kept quiet at his comment and continued blushing the warmth away. His hand gently rubbing my back gave me soothing chills. It was clear from my face that I liked his touch so he continued it with a warm smile.

Eventually, I got up from my lying position and looked down towards Yeonjun who had followed my every move with his eyes. He rested his head on his lower arm and looked at me, questioning.

"I have to pee." I told him quietly, but waited a few seconds before actually moving towards the bathroom.

"Wait."

I turned my face around to him again and watched as he sat himself up as well. Yeonjun guided his hand into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a small folded paper. He handed it to me, but I just looked at it with a puzzled look.

"Do you wanna read it?" He asked me softly and carefully.

It was Sunoo's letter. The letter dedicated to the boys. I wasn't sure if I wanted to read it, but something in me knew that it wasn't going to enlighten me in any way possible. It had nothing to do with me. Furthermore, it's none of my business.

"Did he mention me?" I whispered towards the letter, asking Yeonjun if my name or a hint of me ever occured in this small letter before me. Yeonjun shook his head with an apologetic gaze.

I looked up at him and smiled mildly. I was still hurt by all this, but I couldn't change it. I couldn't change the letters written on this paper. I couldn't change the way Sunoo thought of me and I also couldn't change the fact that he was gone, thinking that I was only a placeholder for someone he really cared for.

"I'll go to the bathroom now." I smiled at Yeonjun, but he still looked at me with compassion.

I left to the bathroom and closed the door quietly. I could see my face in the mirror across from me. My hands still clenched at the handle of the door and my face looked somewhat normal.

I was hurt and sad about it, but it was okay. I had someone who felt sympathy for what I felt and knew why I was hurt by that. I couldn't blame him, when he still felt like my actions were wrong and I still think that too. But he knows my intentions behind it and can understand the reason why I did what I did, though it was still terribly wrong.

I tiptoed towards the toilet and followed my urge.

One of them forgave me. Yeonjun listened to what I had to say and forgave my actions, but he wasn't the only one who I had to apologize to. There were still the others, who held a grudge against me and I missed them with every passing second. I wanted them around me again, but I also had to accept that one of them might not want to have anything to do with me ever again. At least Kai had voiced that very clearly.

I flushed the toilet and washed my hands by the sink. When I finished looking at myself in the mirror again, I opened the bathroom door and locked eyes with Yeonjun. The letter in his hand was gone, but I guessed that he had read it again while I was in the bathroom.

I crawled back onto the bed and closer to Yeonjun who was already awaiting me near him. He was smiling at me with the corner of his lips pointed upwards so that the plumness of his cheeks got more prominent. I couldn't help but smile at that, even though a small thought was bugging me inside.

"You are scared about the others." Yeonjun suddenly declared and left me with a baffled look on my face.

"I am not even sitting properly yet." I exclaimed and watched him laughing at me.

"My talent to figure people out isn't fully damaged after all." I gave him a fake laugh and sat myself before him with my legs crossed, just as he did. He smiled amused at my reaction.

"But honestly now, you are afraid of what the others will say to your apology."

"Kai didn't even let me speak when I tried to reach out to him." I told him and looked down to my hands in my lap, fumbling around with them as I always do when something is troubling me. Yeonjun reached his hand towards my chin and lifted my head up gently, sliding his other hand between my fiddling hands.

"You don't have to worry. When I can forgive you, the others can too." His smile grew and so did mine.

I hoped that I would succeed at that. I was optimistic about it, especially when Yeonjun was of the same opinion as me.

Yeonjun reached his hand from my chin to my neck, placing his thumb on my cheek. I could feel the coldness of his rings on my skin. He pulled my face closer to his face, leaving only a few inches between our lips. I had already closed my eyes, but no kiss seemed to come. Instead I felt the fingers of his other hand carefully tracing around the compress on my right cheek. He didn't touch the place where my wound was, nor even slightly touched the surface of the compress where the injury wouldn't have gotten any pain from it.

His gentle touches made my heart flutter and the polar opposites of hot and cold prepared for another war in my chest. An interplay from getting ignited with warmth or flooded with cold.

Yeonjun's fingers made their way to my nose and did the same as with the compress on my cheek. He tenderly traced the shape of my plaster placed vertically on the bridge of my nose. A chill went through my body and I practically melted into his hand that was still placed under my ear.

I opened my eyes again when Yeonjun pulled his hand away from my abrasions and dipped his fingers into my hair. His face was calm and chill, fully focused on my face, my lips. Me. Without another hesitation, Yeonjun pulled me closer to his face and kissed me.

His lips were moist and anticipated to give my lips the same moistness just as they did back at Yeonjun's home. He opened his mouth and kissed my lower lip. I pressed my lips against his upper lip and concentrated on the perfect pressure and the perfect rhythm, perfect for each other to co-work into this kiss.

He dug his fingers deeper into my hair and I put my hands on his waist, his tiny waist that was so lovely to hold. I loved holding waists. I loved the feeling of his soft lips pressing against mine and his fingers fondling my head while being deep dug into my hair. A kiss after a kiss after a kiss. It seemed to never end as I always felt the pressure of Yeonjun's hand pulling me close to his lips. He was making sure that I didn't back away from him and I didn't want to.

Time got lost in our intimacy and I couldn't tell how long we were kissing, how long we were so close to each other, how long it was since I had last spoken a word to him or how long I was having my eyes closed now.

The only thing I knew was that Yeonjun was here with me, loving me and wanting me near him. I was aware of his understanding and his forgiveness. I had in mind what was wrong and what was right, and what I needed to do to make wrong things right again.

It started with Yeonjun and continues with the others.

Chapter Text

I sat in the middle of the backseat, around me chatter and laughter. I had to hold in a chuckle while I watched Kai bickering behind me. He wasn't so happy about his place to sit. The others though were very delighted by the sight of him and so was I.

"Very funny, guys. I can't breathe from laughter." Kai said with a monotonous voice and looked at us with a straight face. Beomgyu sat beside me and laughed so loud he was almost screaming. He had turned his body around to Kai and couldn't express his malicious joy any more exaggeratingly.

Yeonjun's car only had space for five people and Taehyun had the idea of playing rock, paper, scissors to determine who had to sit in the boot. All for Kai's loss as he was the chosen one. But I guess that Beomgyu's joy at Kai's unlucky day was more annoying for him than the fact that he sat in the boot right now.

"Okay, we get it." Kai exclaimed and shoved Beomgyu's face away with his hand so that he faced forward again.

Yeonjun had watched all the fun and bickering through the rear view mirror with a wide grin on his face. Soobin, who sat in the passenger seat, had turned his head around to us to watch it all from up close. Everyone was laughing, despite Kai.

"Why can't Eve sit in the freaking boot? She is the smallest out of all here!"

"But I didn't lose in rock, paper, scissors." I argued, facing Kai. He only babbled after me and tried in vain to find a comfortable sitting position.

"Kai has a point, maybe you should swap." Soobin spoke up and I looked at him in betrayal.

"Why do you side with him all of a sudden?" He chuckled as an answer and tried to convince everyone how I secretly cheated to win.

"How am I supposed to cheat on rock, paper, scissors?!"

"We should play again and make sure that no one cheats." Kai said and eyed me specifically.

"But I didn't cheat!"

"No! I don't wanna lose my seat!" Beomgyu voiced his concern and voted strictly against a redo of rock, paper, scissors.

"Would you rather sit next to me or next to Eve?" Kai asked Beomgyu with big eyes, hoping for something that Beomgyu was too oblivious to notice.

"I would rather sit next to Taehyun than next to any of you!"

"What did I do wrong now?" I asked in his direction and he just grinned at me mischievously.

"You are taking up space."

"How am I taking up space?!"

"Hey, Hey! Stop bickering now and quit bugging my girlfriend or else I'm kicking you all out!" Yeonjun looked over his shoulder and silenced us.

"I didn't do a thing." Taehyun argued and lifted his hands up in defense.

"You especially." Yeonjun spoke and turned around to face forward again.

"If you are all fine with it, I would like to start driving now."

Without a counterword, Yeonjun turned the ignition key and started the engine of his car. When he turned the steering wheel around, I could feel Kai blowing against my hair, expressing his upset perceptible.

I swung my head around to him and glared at him fiercely, but he responded to my visible annoyance by blowing in my face, just as he did to the back of my head. I blew into his face just as he did and we continued bugging each other until Yeonjun voiced to us to quit it.

I turned my body around again and glared through the rear view mirror and into Yeonjun's face. Our eyes met and I could see him smiling cutely at me. I couldn't resist but smile at him back, but my face was still plastered with annoyance, making Yeonjun laugh at the look I gave him.

In the car appeared a calm silence, interrupted by quiet chatter between Soobin and Yeonjun as well as Kai and Beomgyu. I looked to the side and saw Taehyun toying with the bracelet around his wrist.

"Beomgyu had already dumped his." He whispered to me and stared at the bracelet with his six pendants.

"Do you want to throw yours away?" I asked him.

"I don't know."

"You don't have to."

Taehyun looked up from his hands and at me. He was pondering about something, but I didn't know what it was about. He wasn't particularly sad looking, but really joyful wasn't his gaze either. Then he opened the clasp of the bracelet and took it off. He handed it to me and I accepted it with questioning eyes.

"You take it. But don't lose it." I looked at him for a moment and thought of what best to say.

"Okay." I whispered and closed my hand with the bracelet in it.

I now had two of their bracelets, one from Taehyun and one from Sunoo. They were important for them once. But were they ever important to me? Did these bracelets ever mean something significant to me? Maybe.

But these bracelets are meaningless now. Sunoo abandoned his' and the others did too. These bracelets are now just fragments of a once vibrant friendship in this fucked up world that is now just as abandoned as the old swimming pool building, just as fucked up as everything else.

And these fragments are now in my care. Whatever that has to mean. I look in the rear-view mirror and look into Yeonjun's face. His crescent eyes meet mine and the sight of them is enough for me to know that he is smiling brightly and feeling happy. And the sight of him being happy made me happy. And seeing the others being just as happy made me even happier.

I don't know if the happiness will last forever or if it will disappear again, like it happened back then. But it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was us driving in Yeonjun's car, going to a place beyond this fucked up world.