Archive of Our Own ^beta

I should be looking for useful supplies. Or should I patrol the area for enemies? Maybe both. But someone needs to check in with everyone and ensure they’re okay. If I do that too often, they’ll start to get annoyed again, though. Perhaps I should help Minoru look for Takuma? Who am I kidding, Takuma is…

“Shuuji?” 

“Ah!”

Lopmon’s hesitant voice snapped Shuuji out of his trance, and he turned around to face his partner, who looked exhausted from chasing after him. When he had gone outside in the first place? He was more out of it than he thought. 

“Sorry, Lopmon. Did you need something?” he asked, lifting the rabbit-like Kemonogami up so he could rest his tiny legs. Actually, now that he thought about it, Shuuji’s own legs were feeling tired from all the pacing, and he moved to sit on a nearby log. 

“N-No. But I was worried about you. You were pacing a trench into the ground,” Lopmon told him as he moved. “Whatever you’re thinking about, you can tell me. I promise I’ll help!”

Shuuji smiled. He still didn’t know what he did to deserve such a wonderful, supportive partner. 

“It’s no big deal,” Shuuji assured him. “I guess I’m just a little lost on what the best thing I can do for everyone right now is. There’s so much that needs to be done. A good leader would know how to prioritize and find the best place to start, but…”

Everything was just so frustrating! Shuuji had sworn to himself and to Lopmon that he would get stronger and become someone worth being proud of, but it was all talk. He wasn’t any better at this now than he’d been the day they’d all ended up here. Always counting on the Professor, Aoi, and Takuma to do the real leading. Now that he needed to step up the most, he just couldn’t do it. 

Lopmon’s eyes were misty with sadness and desperation, and Shuuji felt a pang of guilt knowing it was his fault. Lopmon wanted nothing more than to give him the answer to his problems, to alleviate his misery. Of course he did. If only Shuuji weren’t so pathetic, Lopmon wouldn’t have to be so sad for him all the time. 

What can I say to make him happy? Can't I do anything?

“Figured you’d be out here alone again. Y’know, the least you could do is tell someone before you take off.”

Even before Shuuji looked up at Kaito's irritable face, there was no mistaking the equally irritated voice addressing him.  

“Right, sorry. Although, to be honest, I didn’t really realize I’d left,” Shuuji explained with an awkward laugh.

“Yeah, you’ve been pretty out of it lately. You look like shit.” 

“S-Sorry?” Yeowch. He really doesn’t pull his punches… 

“Ya never learn, do ya? Try rephrasing that one,” Dracmon suggested, lightly smacking Kaito’s leg. 

Groaning, Kaito scrubbed a hand down his face before taking a deep breath and sitting down beside Shuuji. At first, Shuuji didn’t know how to react; scooting away from him seemed rude, but there was something almost weird about how close the two of them were right now. Kaito usually kept his distance, and Shuuji never cared to close that gap. And not because he disliked the kid—no matter how poor their first impressions of each other were, he still dared to consider Kaito a friend. He just wasn’t a very close friend.

Shuuji opted to stay put and hoped it wasn't obvious how tense he was.

“Look. I didn’t mean it’s your fault or anything,” Kaito clarified. 

Shuuji waited for him to explain what he did mean for a beat, but it quickly became clear that Kaito didn’t have anything else to say on the matter. How frustrating. How on earth did Takuma talk to him so easily?

“Anyways, I just came to give you this, so…here.”

With a gentleness Shuuji didn’t realize he was capable of, Kaito set a neatly sealed bag (had he been carrying it this whole time?) onto Shuuji’s lap, mindful not to push Lopmon in the process. 

Did he really come here to give me this? I thought he just happened to be in the area, too.

“Oh? I wanna see.” Lopmon repositioned himself so his back was against Shuuji’s front and opened the bag. Peeking over Lopmon’s head, Shuuji looked into the bag to find two water bottles, two apples, and two granola bars—presumably for himself and his partner. 

What? Why did he feel the need to bring me this? 

“Thanks,” Shuuji said despite his confusion, if only so Kaito wouldn’t be angered by his non-reaction. “But you really didn’t need to—”

His sentence was cut off by several loud crunches, and Shuuji looked down to see that Lopmon had already devoured his apple and was halfway through his granola bar. The sight of his partner indulging himself like that triggered something in Shuuji’s brain, and suddenly his own stomach was grumbling.  

“Looks like I did,” Kaito said, a smile tugging at his lips. Shuuji was fairly certain Kaito never smiled at him before. Granted this time was probably because of Lopmon and not him, but it still came as a shock. 

Feeling embarrassed, Shuuji took a tentative bite of his apple. His stomach growled again. It was just like the times back home when Shuuji would get so caught up in his studies that he would forget to eat for a day or two, and it wasn’t until he tried to eat that he finally realized how hungry he actually was. It occurred to him at this moment that he was starving . 

He remembered skipping dinner the night before since his anxiety was making him too nauseous to eat. Shuuji was also pretty sure he’d skipped breakfast in the morning because he’d had a nightmare about the fog getting into the school, and he’d wanted to check every inch of the place to make sure it really was only a dream. From there, he could only recall the spiral of thoughts that had led to him being out here right now. 

With how fixated he always was on Miu, it was a miracle that Kaito would’ve noticed the state Shuuji was in, let alone cared enough to do something about it. I'm hardly his favorite person here.

Speaking of Kaito, he wasn’t saying anything, but he was watching Shuuji like a hawk. Shuuji thought it would be more uncomfortable, but it was quite the opposite. Someone noticed that he wasn’t doing well, and they weren’t going to leave him alone until he was better. The thought gave him an odd, fuzzy feeling. Only once every crumb of granola and every drop of water was gone, did Kaito sigh and turn his gaze toward the trees. 

“You gonna take care of yourself from now on, or do I gotta hunt you down every day?” he asked. 

“I…I’ll try to do better,” Shuuji answered. 

“Eh, good enough for me.”

“Hey, Lopmon. I think I heard something over there. Let’s check it out.”

“Huh? But I can’t leave Shuuji…”

“It’s not far, don’t worry. C’mon.”

Lopmon looked up at Shuuji as if asking for permission, and Shuuji nodded. Dracmon was as reliable as they come, so whether he really heard something, just wanted to talk to Lopmon, or was trying to give the boys some space, Shuuji knew he could trust in his judgement. 

Now on their own, the boys sat in silence, neither willing to be the first to speak. Still, Shuuji was once again surprised to find that he wasn’t all that uneasy. There was a nice breeze, and he didn’t mind having company to enjoy it with. It beat being alone with his thoughts, at least, and he found himself studying the boy beside him. 

Sitting side by side, Shuuji felt very aware for the first time that Kaito was…small. Not compared to the others, of course—which was probably why he'd never noticed before—but compared to Shuuji…

Obviously, logically, Shuuji always knew he was older than Kaito. Also obviously, he knew that he always had to look down to talk to him. However, never once did he think of Kaito as being small, or even as being that much younger. Perhaps it was because he was so loud, or because he carried himself as if he were the same size and age as Shuuji, but it truly never clicked in Shuuji's mind until this very moment—Kaito was only fourteen.

Shuuji tried to picture it, what he would've done in this world when he was fourteen. It was only two years ago, but it felt like a lifetime away. Hell, even at sixteen, he'd snapped here. Nearly killed himself and his partner and put all of his friends in danger. He couldn't imagine how much worse he would've been back then. 

Yet, here was Kaito. Ever vigilant, ever reliable, rarely causing trouble and never needing help. He fought so hard to protect everyone, and for what? It wasn't like anyone ever thanked him for it. No one except Takuma, who was...

At fourteen, and especially with other older people around, Shuuji was positive he wouldn't have done the same. Not if it wasn't for a reward, not if it wouldn't get him praise. He would leave everything to his elders, maybe even resent them for their incompetence in getting him home. He certainly wouldn't take care of them. He wouldn't even think them worthy of being taken care of.

Useless people didn't deserve compassion.

And yet…

And yet…

Shuuji's chest ached. 

"I know this probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but, um, I thought you should know," Shuuji spoke up, waiting for Kaito's gaze to drift from the sky back to him before finishing. "I'm proud of you." 

"Wh-where did that come from?" Kaito stammered, eyes wide. 

"I was just thinking; you're amazing. I haven't forgotten, none of us would've lasted half a week here without you. Even after how horribly we all treated you, you still saved us from Arukenimon," Shuuji recalled. At the time, everyone had been so shaken up from nearly losing Ryo, they'd all but forgotten how close they themselves had come to death that day. "If it was me, I think…I would've been so bitter, I'd have left us behind. 'Serves you right', I'd say. But you came back. I think…I forgot to thank you for that. And for everything else you do. We're all truly fortunate to have you with us. So, thank you." 

That wide-eyed look never left Kaito's face, and Shuuji could practically see the gears spinning out of control in his head as he tried to process those words. Stunned, confused, unaware how to react. 

A lump built in Shuuji's throat.

Why is he so shocked? Why is he looking at me like this is the first time anyone's ever said something like this to him? Isn't his father proud to have such a strong son? Even if he gets on her nerves, doesn't Miu tell him how wonderful it is to have such a caring big brother? 

Surely he knows. Surely someone has told him. Not that I ever have before now. I've been so harsh with him, how could I—

"You're wrong," Kaito eventually responded, cutting into Shuuji's thoughts. 

I'm…wrong? "No, I—"

"About yourself," Kaito corrected. "I don't think you're the kinda guy who'd abandon anyone outta spite. You've been driving yourself crazy, tryna do everyone's parts by yourself lately. You care about the others—er, us —a lot. That's why I…" 

Kaito briefly glanced towards the bag he'd brought, then quickly looked away. He looked like he was going to die. Anyone who knew him for more than five minutes knew that expressing himself wasn't his strong suit, and that was particularly evident right now as he picked at the bark on the log where they sat and kept shifting his eyes around to look anywhere but at Shuuji. 

Nonetheless, Shuuji had no doubt he meant every word he said. He couldn't imagine Kaito making crap up just so he would feel better.

"You know you can stop, right? We don't need you to do so much." Kaito's next statement felt like a sucker punch after everything else he'd said. 

I can stop? They don't need me? No…that can't be right. I'm their leader, aren't I?

Shuuji was reminded of his brother. He'd also told Shuuji he could stop—should stop. "You can't do it, so why try?" The hidden meaning left unspoken haunted Shuuji day and night, and it was part of why he couldn't stand looking at his brother anymore. 

"I can handle it!" Shuuji snapped defensively.

Kaito flinched at the outburst. Then, he punched him. It was a soft blow to Shuuji's arm, not nearly enough to bruise, but enough to sting.

"When the hell did I ever say you can't? I know you can. But you don't have to," he said. "I didn't believe it at first either, but our friends…they aren't completely useless. You—we—can count on them sometimes." 

Now it was Shuuji's turn to be dumbfounded. Partially because Kaito was the last person he expected to advocate for relying on friends, but mostly because of that first part. 

"I know you can." 

A simple sentence, yet it was frying Shuuji's circuits. He didn't know what caught him more off guard: the sentiment of "you can" rather than "you must," or the sheer confidence with which Kaito had said it. It was almost as if…he genuinely believed in Shuuji's ability? That didn't sound right.

The part of Shuuji's brain that knew that Kaito wasn't nice enough to lie about something like that and the part of his brain that refused to believe that anyone would have so much faith in him were at war, and he searched the younger boy's eyes for any sign of dishonesty. He didn't find it. He didn't find the pity or regret he was used to being looked at with, either. 

What did it mean?

"Ugh, quit lookin' at me like I've got a second head." Kaito grimaced. "I know you n' me got off on the wrong foot, and I said a lot of shit about you back then, but I don't mean it anymore." 

Shuuji squinted, two thoughts springing to mind at once. The first was the realization of, he's really serious about believing in me. The second was, did he just say 'anymore'? 

"So, you meant it back then?" 

"Urm…" 

Kaito curled in on himself slightly and looked down.

"Ha…hahaha! I appreciate your honesty. I really like that about you." Shuuji smiled. "And it's not like you were wrong, anyways. I was a spineless creep, and I never did try to understand how you or anyone else felt."

At the time, Shuuji had been so busy being pissed that Kaito wouldn't do as he said, he'd forgotten to consider that it might've been because he was wrong.

"I tried to stop you from saving your sister, and I yelled at you for standing up for everyone when I was being cruel." What kind of monster would be angry with a child for wanting to be treated better? "If anything, I'm just thankful you didn't beat me up for it."

"Hah, maybe I should have. It worked for Ryo," Kaito chuckled.

Shuuji found he liked the sound.

"I—well, I can't argue the facts there," Shuuji admitted, his hand finding its way to his hair. Still, he hoped his friends didn't make a habit of walloping him when he got off track. "My point is, I'm trying really hard not to be the person I was back then anymore, and…it means a lot to me that you think I've changed. If you can tolerate me, I must at least be a decent guy." 

"You are," Kaito stated firmly, leaving no room for argument.

There it was again—that smile that Shuuji never thought would be directed at him. It caused an overwhelming sense of…of something to well up in his chest. He couldn't name it. He wasn't sure he'd ever felt it before, except maybe sometimes when he looked at Lopmon. Not unlike with Lopmon, the strange emotion caused a silly thought to bounce around in the back of his mind. 

I want to hug him. 

Kaito was such a little thing, it would be so easy to reach out and…Shuuji acted faster than he could finish thinking, and before he realized it, he'd gone and wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulders. Kaito jumped slightly, his whole body tensing, and in that instant, Shuuji worried he'd made a terrible mistake. However, a hand slowly came to rest on his forearm and squeezed softly.

A warm fondness, an intense pride, a desire to protect…was this how it felt to have a brother? It was a somewhat twisted thought to have, seeing as Shuuji already had one, but he hardly felt any guilt over it. For now, he only wanted to enjoy the moment.

…

It wasn't long before their partners returned, the sun began to set, and the four of them returned to the school. If anyone asked where they went, they would say that Shuuji wandered off, and Kaito simply dragged him back. If anyone noticed that they seemed a bit more patient with each other over the following days, maybe even got along, they wouldn't acknowledge it. 

It was mostly at Kaito's flustered insistence that what happened in the forest clearing stayed in the forest clearing, but that didn't stop their feelings from following them far beyond it. 

From here on out, Shuuji would trust his friends and himself; and he would definitely, definitely find the key not only to returning to their world, but to saving this one as well.