Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Picking up the blade was like second nature. It was familiar. Gerard moved it to his right hand, raising it above his left wrist. He wanted to bring it down. Tear open the useless skin. Feel something, maybe even bleed to death. He looked at it again, a glint of light hitting the metal and reflecting onto the wall. He could do it. He knew he could, and it would feel so good to watch the blood run down his arm til it dried up and he would have to rinse it off. He pressed the blade to the soft skin. The cold metal was almost enough to convince him to keep going. To dig it into the skin and tear across the flesh as blood started to appear. Gerard dropped his hand to his side and sat down on his bed. He looked up at the closed door and back to his arm. He took a deep breath and dragged the razor across his skin. As he felt the sting he closed his eyes and gripped his wrist. He opened his eyes to make another cut beneath the first and pushed himself to go deeper, draw more blood. When two streams of the sticky red blood were running down his arm, Gerard pulled his sleeve down, and put the blade back in the nightstand drawer. He looked down at the jacket sleeve- already a deeper gray as the blood soaked through the fabric- and took another deep breath. Laying back onto his bed, Gerard fell asleep. Waves of stinging pain shot up his arm, but it didn’t bother him. It almost felt soothing. With every sting, Gerard felt like he was falling a little. He kept falling until he fell asleep, and kept falling in his dream. He fell until his alarm woke him up.

The call of his alarm began the same routine that he had built in middle school. Get up, go to school, survive sitting alone at lunch- which maybe he preferred, no one to make awkward small talk with and no one to worry about making friends with, but sometimes it was lonely. After lunch all he had to do was get through his last two periods; english and gym. English, Gerard excelled at. It was the dreaded gym class he couldn’t stand. Gym wasn’t actually that bad, it was usually playing a sport or running the track, and Gerard liked running. He was good at running. Gerard could have lettered in track if he were willing to put in the effort to go to practices or meets, but running a mile in gym class was enough for him. What Gerard didn’t like about gym was the kids who enjoyed it. Jocks and their girlfriends. But after gym it was the walk back home and a nap. “Nap” is an understatement, he usually got home at four-thirty, fell asleep at five, and woke up at two. Then it was sneak out of the house to smoke a cigarette or weed- or if he was really depressed, down a bottle of vodka or beer or whatever he could get his worthless sixteen-year-old hands on- then back to bed at three or three-thirty to get another two and a half hours of sleep and repeat the whole cycle. Day after day it was the same thing.

Waking up hurt. The blaring alarm, the light and, of course, his arm. Gerard got out of bed and threw on a new jacket after inspecting the freshly formed scabs on his arm. He wanted to pick at them- just force of habit, but stopped himself. He debated bandaging them but knew if Mikey or his mom saw the gauze in the trash can it would be a one way trip to a mental hospital, which was not how Gerard wanted to start a new school year. Especially not after having spent most of summer there. 

It was easy getting out because he was on meds and it’s kind of hard to cut yourself when guys in white jackets take anything you could possibly use. After two months he was out. It was probably good for him to be there for a while, and he probably could have stayed clean the last two weeks of summer if not for the only two friends he had left in Belleville. Bert McCracken and Pete Wentz were both unbelievably sweet people and would always be there for Gerard when he needed them (well maybe not Pete, but he was nice enough) but they were also fucked up. Bert had been to rehab twice in the last two school years and Pete was smart enough to hide anything and everything he did from his parents- and Gerard for that matter. Pete and Bert were both insanely happy for Gerard to be back, and Gerard was glad to be back too. In the back of his mind he thought maybe he could make his parents and brothers proud and stay happy for at least a week, but the minute he saw his friends' faces it was off to the park with a couple beers Pete stole from his dad and a joint Bert got from God knows who. That night Gerard was genuinely happy, but it also made it easier to slip back into old habits.

Gerard settled on just the jacket and went out to the kitchen to greet his brother. 

Mikey was a scrawny kid, with glasses and greasy hair. He meant so much to Gerard and Gerard would do anything to keep him happy. In seventh grade Mikey was bullied so badly he skipped a week of school. After the week, their mom pulled Mikey out of Bellville Public, and Gerard stayed in the shithole. Of course, Mikey was okay now and going to a better school with better kids, but Gerard missed having his brother around, and seeing him at lunch.

“Hey Gee” Mikey smiled, eating his muffin. Gerard smiled back at his brother. One of the few genuine smiles he offered. Although Mikey had his share of depression, anxiety, and health problems, he was one of the happiest kids Gerard had ever known.

“Hey loser,” he teased half-heartedly. Gerard looked over his shoulder at Mikey, the younger boy’s breath was shallow and quick. Gerard’s mind immediately went to the worst case scenario ‘ shit what if he forgot to take his Lexapro last night’ Gerard walked over to the table to look at Mikey. He didn’t seem panicked or upset and he definitely wasn’t fidgety like he usually was when he missed a dose. ‘ Fuck! His inhaler’ Gerard looked over to Mikey again, earning a strange look from his brother.

“What?” Mikey said, confused.

“Did you use your inhaler this morning?” Gerard asked, surveying Mikey’s face and trying to remember where Mikey kept his inhaler.

Mikey just rolled his eyes and took another bite of his muffin. Gerard stood staring at Mikey expectantly.

“Yes, Gerard and it’s in my backpack and I’m not going to forget it.” Mikey groaned and got up from the chair walking out the door “See ‘ya.”

So Gerard was left in the kitchen to worry alone.

Gerard turned around after the door closed and grabbed the cold pot of coffee his mother made yesterday before her night shift. He poured a mug and heated it in the microwave, careful to not let the microwave beep and wake up his mom. Gerard thought about Mikey while waiting for the coffee to heat. He worried about Mikey a lot- maybe too much- but he just didn't want to see him get hurt. 

The kitchen was quiet and Gerard stayed silent. After 10 minutes and an empty mug of coffee, Gerard went back to his room and grabbed his backpack and headphones. 

The walk to school was uneventful. The same walk Gerard had walked for two years, now the third. The same stops, the same signs, the same turns and the same people. People in cars, people in buses, people at work- or late to work. Gerard thought people-watching was almost- if not more important than people-conversing. The way Gerard saw it, everything you need to know about a person is revealed by watching. No need to start a conversation when you can watch how they treat different people in different conversations. 

Gerard turned the corner and came up on the big school gates. There were lots of people to watch behind them, and that thought sent Gerard into panic. People were not Gerard’s forte. He wished his brother were here to calm him down. Mikey could calm Gerard in seconds. Gerard focused on his breathing, and walked through the big gates, scouting for his best friend.

Bert McCracken waved him down from beneath a big oak tree outside the front office. Bert had been Gerard’s best and only friend since childhood. They grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school and liked the same things since they were in first and grade, Bert was the one to introduce Gerard to Pete. Bert smiled at Gerard and pushed his greasy hair out of his face. Bert was easily loveable and a great friend who always knew how to make you feel better. Bert was one of the only people Gerard ever felt safe around besides Mikey- well when they weren’t around Pete. 

Gerard liked Pete, and had fun with him, but he knew somewhere in his mind that Pete wasn’t a real friend. He would sell Gerard for an ounce of weed and wouldn’t feel any remorse. Bert, on the other hand, would sell Gerard for an ounce of weed and find a way to then steal him back.

“What’s up shitface” Bert grinned and pulled Gerard into a hug, effectively crushing all of his ribs. 

“Great Bert” Gerard breathed pulling away and smiling at the younger boy “dude are you high?” Gerard interrogated. Interrogating was something Gerard did often.

“Maybe” Bert giggled. This was no surprise though, Bert was on something at all hours.

“God, it’s eight am” Gerard groaned, smiling. Gerard was starting to feel more relaxed around his friend, feeling all the nerves melt away in Bert’s warmth.

Gerard began to talk more freely with Bert as the morning continued. By the time the first bell rang, Gerard was finally smiling and laughing. Gerard’s first period was art. Something that never failed to make him feel better about the day, even if math undid any positivity he had left. Gerard loved the art teacher. She was nice and funny and liked the Pixies. She let him eat lunch in her classroom sometimes and had purple hair. She had been the only teacher he didn’t hate or fear in freshman year and since then took art every single year after. Mrs. Toro was at the whiteboard hanging up paintings from their last assignment, and her son Ray was helping. Gerard didn’t mind Ray, and they talked a bit in the classes they had. Ray, like his mom, was funny and kind to everyone and could always brighten up anyone's day- even hopeless Gerard’s.

Gerard smiled at Ray and Mrs. Toro and set his backpack down at his stool. “Do you guys need help?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

“No, I've got it.” Mrs. Toro’s sturdy voice answered and Gerard sat up on the desk to wait for the second bell as a few other kids started to walk into the classroom. 

“Bye Gerard!” Ray smiled and Gerard waved back. Mrs. Toro got off the stool she was standing on and walked over to her desk. Gerard opened his phone, his wallpaper was a picture of him and Bert from last year, before they started hanging around Pete. That was Gerard’s favorite picture. He couldn’t help looking at Bert, he wasn’t conventionally attractive but he made Gerard’s heart feel warm and fuzzy- ‘ what’ Gerard opened his Spotify and turned on his go-to playlist as quickly as possible. ‘Why did I just think that about Bert’ ‘Think what? I obviously wasn’t thinking anything weird.’ ‘Guys don’t usually think about their best friends' faces like that. Guys don’t usually feel “warm and fuzzy” about their best friends’ ‘That was just a nice memory Gerard, stop catastrophizing.’ 

“Gerard!” Mrs. Toro was standing in front of him. Gerard jerked his head up from his phone, still open to Spotify, to look at Mrs. Toro “Gerard you have two more minutes left in passing period, you’re gonna be late for second period- are you okay?”   Fuck

Chapter Text

Gerard spent second, third, fourth and fifth period in a panic. ‘Why were you thinking that, what if you see Bert and he knows something’s wrong?’ The passing period to lunch he started to calm down ‘you’re okay, you’re okay, it's just anxiety. What were you even worried about to begin with?’ Gerard sat down against a wall where he could look at the whole courtyard, and pulled out the book he was reading, Stephen King’s The Shining . Gerard got into the book for about two pages before looking up to see the one and only Bert McCracken smiling down at him ‘great’

“Crap dude, you scared me.” Gerard said, putting his bookmark in and setting the book down as Bert sat next to him on the concrete. “I didn’t know you had second lunch” Gerard could feel a blush on the back of his neck as Bert’s overwhelming scent engulfed him. Bert ignored him and kept rambling, which didn’t bother Gerard as much as it did when they first met.

“So I have Pete in my third and fourth periods which is cool cause that means I don’t have to make friends, but anyway he’s having a couple people over on Friday and said he wants you to come.”

“Wait, Pete’s having a party?” Gerard asked, confused as to who a druggie that was disliked by half the school would invite to a party.

“No, he said specifically that it was not a party and that only ‘Losers like us’ were invited” Bert mocked Pete with faux offense. Gerard just smiled and shook his head 

“So what time is this cliche non-party he’s throwing” Gerard asked, avoiding eye-contact.

“He said whenever after school. I’m assuming it’ll be til late-late, and there’s probably only gonna be ten people at most.” Gerard sighed and leaned back against the brick wall. Pete was extroverted and made friends naturally, and then lost them over the stupidest reasons just as quickly. “Come here,” Bert demanded, and Gerard looked at him, confused “Lay, I wanna braid your hair.” 

Gerard laid down in Bert’s lap, something that happened quite often between the two, but Gerard still felt nervous about it and sclolded himself for making it awkward. ‘Oh my God he’s your best friend. Girls do this all the time, why am I making such a big deal out of this’

“You okay?” Bert asked, looking down at Gerard ‘Shit’ 

“Yeah I’m good, just tired.” Gerard lied, and looked down at his hands. Bert’s hands were calloused and cracked but felt nice to Gerard. ‘Seriously this is all platonic what is the big deal’ 

“You’re bouncing.” Bert said, looking at Gerard’s knees.

“I told you, I’m fine” Gerard said, smiling and then sitting upright “I guess the thought of a party is just weird to me.”

“Not a party.” Bert corrected and smiled. He picked up his phone and read a message “I’m gonna go, Pete wants to,” Bert spelt “weed” in sign-language “bye-bey”

“Bye-bye” Gerard said, smiling at Bert as he walked toward the F-Building. When Bert was out of sight, Gerard pulled out is phone and texted Mikey

How’s school? :)

Mikes: Good, why?

Just checking up on you

Hey, you know Pete right?

Mikes: Wentz? Yeah…

He’s having a party Friday

Mikes: Can I come lol?

I guess, but just don’t let Mom know, it’s gonna be kinda “illegal”

Mikes: Everything about New Jersey is illegal

Gerard laughed, and started typing again

Fair, see you soon <3

Read, 12:40 pm  

Gerard picked up his book, and started reading until the bell rang.

*-*-*-*-*-*

Friday night at five, Bert showed up to Gerard’s house.

“When do we even have to be there?” Gerard asked, taking Bert to his room.

“How should I know?” Bert said, opening the door to Gerard’s room “You need to get dressed though.” 

Gerard looked down at his skinny jeans and hoodie, “I need to get dressed for a ‘not-a-party’?”

“Yeah, duh” Bert said, and stood up to get a shirt out of Gerard’s closet. “Misfits” Bert grinned, and threw the shirt at Gerard. 

Gerard rolled his eyes, but went around Bert to start changing his shirt. Bert turned around to say something but was met with a glare. 

“What?” Bert asked, slightly upset “It’s not like you’ve never changed in front of me.” 

“Yeah it’s just,” Gerard sighed and rolled his eyes “fine, whatever pervert” he joked, and Bert rolled his eyes. As Gerard pulled off his hoodie, Bert’s eyes darted over to his arm for just a split second. Maybe it didn’t even happen. Maybe Gerard was just nervous but he began to blush and pulled the shirt on and grabbed his leather jacket.

“C’mere.” Gerard dragged Bert into the bathroom, and pointed at the sink, for Bert to sit. Gerard pulled out eyeliner and began working on Bert’s makeup, smiling at his friend.

Arriving at Pete’s house felt strange. Gerard had been there plenty of times but it felt different and foreboding. 

Bert pushed through the “crowd” (about 12 people) in the backyard to get to the kitchen.

“Getting drunk already?” Pete jumped out behind Bert and hopped onto the counter. “You just got here.” 

“And you’ve obviously had enough for the both of us” Gerard said, gesturing for Pete to get off the counter.

“Is your brother here?” He asked Gerard, jumping off the counter so Bert could fill a cup with vodka for each of them “No, he stayed home…” Gerard trailed off looking over at Bert “You’re not even gonna add orange-

 or something?” Gerard asked Bert, perplexed.

“I will in yours” Bert said, and Gerard just rolled his eyes.

“I’m gonna go get drunk enough to talk to people. Don’t let Bert do something stupid without me.” Gerard said, getting his drink from Bert and walking outside.

It was chilly outside, but not unbearable. Gerard sat  on the ground, leaning against the wall. He looked at the drink that Bert made, and drank a sip. It was definitely strong and definitely a drink Bert made. Gerard chuckled and took another drink. He looked up at a group of about three guys and then back at his drink. One of the guys from the group split off and went into the house to get another drink.

Gerard got up without thinking and followed him inside. He saw the boy fill his cup and greet another friend who had previously been talking to Pete’s friend Anthony. Gerard turned a corner, and being in a slightly more than tipsy state, opened the first door he saw, thinking it was the bathroom.

On Pete’s bed was none other than Gerard’s brother, naked from the waist down and Pete on top of him. Gerard closed the door and turned around quickly, walking down the hall and running straight into the boy he had seen earlier. 

“Oh, shit sorry” Gerard blurted out and looked down at the boy. He looked familiar but Gerard didn’t have any classes with him. “Uh, sorry, are you a Sophomore?” He asked, the boy had a young face, and was short, even compared to Gerard who was on the shorter side of average. The boy laughed loudly and smiled

“No, I’m a junior but I get that a lot. I think I’ve seen you at lunch. You usually sit across from the F-building with a book right?” Gerard blushed and nodded “What’s your name?” The boy asked

“Gerard, it’s a stupid name.” Gerard answered, and crossed his arms awkwardly.

“No, it’s pretty.” Frank smiled, “I’m Frank. Actually seventeen unlike a lot of people choose to believe.”

Gerard blushed and smiled “Thanks Frank…”

“So who’d you walk in on fucking?” Frank asked. Gerard looked up shocked and Frank smirked at him. Gerard felt calm with Frank for someone he had met five minutes ago.

 “Don’t laugh because I almost vomited.” Gerard warned and Frank chuckled

“Alright, who?”

“My younger brother.” Gerard said and Frank raised his eyebrows

“Oh shit man, how old is he?”

“He’s fifteen.” Gerard frowned to earn an even bigger eyebrow raise.

 Frank shook his head and laughed “Please God tell me it wasn’t full on-”

“As far as I could tell it was probably a hand job but I ran outta there pretty quick.” Gerard grimaced.

“I don’t blame you,” Frank said, shaking his head “did he come with you?” 

“No he must have snuck out after I left.” Gerard laughed, “I can’t believe my younger brother is getting head before me.” Gerard said under his breath and Frank looked at him smiling. Frank opened his mouth to say something but Bert jumped up behind Gerard

Frank smiled at Gerard one more time before disappearing and Gerard was alone with Bert again. The usual comfortable-nervousness that appeared when he was around Bert engulfed him. ‘Fuck why am I like this’

Gerard turned over to Bert and smiled.“I’m tired dude.” 

Bert looked at Gerard and then back at wherever he came from “Good cause I broke Pete’s fancy liquor and he’s gonna be pissed at me.”

Chapter Text

When Gerard woke up Saturday morning he felt like a complete idiot. He walked down the hall and knocked on Mikey’s door.

“Just a minute!” Mikey yelled, and Gerard heard a couple of things fall, followed by his dresser drawer slamming shut before Mikey opened the door, squinting without his glasses on.

“I- what were you doing in there?” Gerard surveyed Mikey and then shook his head. “Look, you were at Pete’s last night right?” Mikey started to blush and look around Gerard as if he were setting some kind of trap.

“Yeah… why?” Mikey asked nervously. Gerard figured he wouldn’t torture him with the thought of his older brother walking in on him getting a handjob, or a blowjob and hopefully nothing else.

“Just ‘cus you were home after me, I was just worried…” And then he added “Pete’s a good guy, I wouldn’t want you hanging around at eleven o’ clock at night with anyone else.” Gerard smiled and ruffled his little brother’s hair, “Go brush your hair, it's gross.”

Mikey wiggled out from Gerard’s grip and back into his room, where Gerard heard his Smashing Pumpkins CD playing. Gerard turned around and went into the kitchen. His mother was in the living room watching the news ‘who watches the news at eleven-forty am?’ Gerard thought and sat down at the table, waiting to see how long it took his mom to notice he was up. After one minute and thirty seconds, his mom turned around and beamed.

“Gerard, honey!” She walked over and hugged him. Gerard hugged her back and smiled slightly. “I’m so glad you’re up, I feel like I never see you anymore!” His mom pulled back, and grabbed a waffle out of the toaster, “I made this for you, but it’s a little cold now. There’s syrup and butter on the counter,” she pointed at the bottles, next to Mikey’s used plate. 

“Oh, Mom I wasn’t planning on eating breakfast, I’m not very hungry this morning.” Gerard said, looking down. 

“Come on, Gee you need to eat.” His mom said, looking at him worriedly “Just half?” She pleaded and Gerard got up to grab a plate and butter, smiling at his mother. “Thank you.” She said, and walked out to get Mikey.

Gerard split the waffle in half and sat, staring at the half in his hand. He dropped it on the plate and got up to grab his book from his room

“I’m worried about him,” Gerard heard Mikey say from his room “He’s not acting any different.” Gerard stopped and listened for a minute.

“I know…” his mom breathed out, “But the harming seems better, and he promised he’d eat.” Gerard felt sick. His brother could see and his mom could see: He wasn’t doing any better.

Gerard walked back into his room, still hearing the quiet mumblings of his mom and brother. He closed the door quietly, and walked straight to his nightstand, opening the drawer. ‘I’m letting them down.’

Pulling up his sleeve, he looked at the scabs from Sunday night, barely healing. Gerard opened the drawer in his nightstand and grabbed the blade. He ripped it across his flesh and felt the sting. He could do it over and over. Again and Again. Each time he knew it would bleed and was comforted by that. He pulled his sleeve back down over the streaming blood, and put the blade back in the drawer. Gerard walked quietly past Mikey’s door where he still heard Mikey and his mom talking, only now about something else.

Gerard sat back down at the table, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. ‘ Fuck me.’

Monday morning Gerard cringed at the thought of going to school. He would see Pete again and he would love to humiliate him with the fact that he knew he and Mikey did “stuff” but he would also see Bert and dealing with him was something Gerard wanted to put off for as long as possible.

Gerard got out of bed and put on whatever jeans were on his floor with a band shirt and his beat-up leather jacket. He grabbed his phone and earbuds- the only way he could tolerate living, and met Mikey in the kitchen

“I saw Mom when she got home.” Mikey said, scrolling through his phone.

“Yeah?” Gerard asked, getting a PopTart out of the top cupboard. “What were you doing up at five am?” He asked turning around to face Mikey

“Split this with me?” Gerard asked, and Mikey nodded, not even looking up from his phone.

“Leading my double-life. I have a wife and two kids no one knows about and I work nights to support them.” Mikey said sarcastically, “Anyway, Mom said she wants to talk to you after school, so don’t get home too late.” 

Mikey finally looked up from his phone at Gerard, “I don’t know what she wants.” He said, and Gerard’s anxiety came up again. Was it about Pete? Was it about cutting? Was it about the drugs? How did she find out about the drugs?

“Don’t catastrophize, Gee.” Mikey said, “I doubt the weird kid who draws comics is in too much trouble.” Mikey smiled and Gerard grimaced back.

As soon as the PopTart came out of the toaster, Mikey was out the door and Gerard was left alone.

Arriving at School was bad enough, but getting a text from Pete about Mikey was enough to make Gerard forget how to walk, and embarrass himself by running into a stranger.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry!” Gerard blurted out, trying to make amends with the boy he just knocked over.

“No, you’re good- oh!” The boy from the party turned around Fred?

“Oh, it’s you!” Gerard said, sounding unintentionally upset.

“Gerard,” the boy ( Frank!) smiled at him, “here, come with me.” Frank grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bathrooms. 

“You gotta stop knocking me over.” Frank joked, once checking that no one was in the stalls.

“Yeah, well my brother’s gotta stop being a slut.” Gerard said, and then added a chuckle to assure Frank he was joking.

Frank pulled out a joint from his pocket and lit it, offering it to Gerard

“Great, Strange Pocket Weed, just what I need” Gerard thought, but took the drug anyway. He knew he shouldn’t do this right before class, but he felt safe around Frank. Like nothing could stop him.

“So what happened?” Frank prompted, accepting the joint back and taking a hit.

Gerard pulled out his phone and showed him the text.

Pete: hey, uh idk how to say this but i’m kinda fucking your brother.

sorry mikey asked me to tell you bc he didn’t wanna say it himself.

“Fuck.” Frank said, and handed the joint back to Gerard. 

“Yeah.” Gerard said and just looked at Frank. The silence that followed didn’t need to be filled. They both understood that they could just get high in peace without feeling the need to make small talk. As Gerard began to feel more relaxed, he began to look at Frank’s eyes. At his lips. His hands. Noticed the way he held the joint in his mouth. The way his hands had a slight shake to them when he handed Gerard the joint.

Frank smiled at Gerard as the roll was down to its last leg. 

“Gimme your phone so I can text you and get high with you again.” Frank said, smiling, and putting out the smoke.

Gerard obliged, handing over his phone and Frank put his number in. 

“See ‘ya later, Gee.” Frank grinned again and jogged out of the bathroom door. “How’d he know to call me Gee?” Gerard thought and then looked down at the new notification on his phone 

Frankie (smoking buddy): Hi :)

Chapter Text

The next time Gerard saw Frank was at lunch, he was sitting with the same group of boys at the party and Pete and Anthony. Gerard smiled walking by to his usual seat. As Gerard sat down, he looked up and saw Frank pat Anthony on the back and then jog up the hill to where he was sitting.

“Hey Gee!” Frank grinned at him. Frank’s smile was warm and inviting. He was genuine.

“Hey Frank.” Gerard gave a half-smile and Frank immediately picked up on the downside to it.

“Wait, what’s wrong?” Frank asked, sitting down with Gerard and putting an arm around his shoulders. Gerard’s heart fluttered just a little bit and he barely had time to notice before he ended up spewing everything to Frank.

“Okay so I have this friend,” Gerard began, taking a deep breath “and he's really nice and so sweet and just a complete dumbass” Frank laughed and Gerard continued “and he makes me feel so special, but like more than a friend. I don’t know, I don’t think I have a crush on him, I mean I’m straight but he just-”

“Makes you feel warm and fuzzy and safe?” Frank finished for him.

“Yeah.” Gerard sighed. Frank smiled and scooted around to face Gerard.

“Are you really straight, or have you just never thought about being anything else?” Frank asked, leaving Gerard feeling clarified, yet more confused. 

“I’ve never even kissed a girl… How do I know if I like kissing guys?” Gerard muttered and Frank scooted closer to Gerard.

“You don’t have to know right this second. Maybe just, notice your feelings around this guy a little more, notice feelings around other guys. Don’t rush anything. Life moves fast and if you don’t stop to look around you might miss it.” Frank said

“Did you just quote Ferris Bueler?” Gerard raised his eyebrows, laughing.

“Possibly.” Frank laughed, “But the message remains true. If you don’t pay attention to these feelings or sensations, you’re gonna miss what they mean.”

Gerard looked back over to where Pete and Anthony and the other boys were sitting. Everyone was talking except for Anthony who was looking over his shoulder at Frank. Anthony jerked his head back to his group and Pete clapped him on the shoulder.

Frank followed Gerard’s gaze over to the table. “Is this mystery boy at that table?” Frank smirked.

“No…” Gerard replied distantly “No. It’s just, Anthony was looking over at you, I don’t want to keep you from your friends.” Gerard said, turning his attention to Frank again.

“Oh,” Frank looked at the ground for a few seconds before turning his head back up to Gerard. “Anthony is um… my boyfriend.” Frank said quietly. Gerard felt disappointment, and he didn’t understand why. As far as he knew the only guy he’d ever had feelings for was Bert. He didn’t feel the same about Frank. Around Frank he felt comfortable and at ease and around Bert he felt nervous and guilty. But Bert could calm him down and make him feel better.

Gerard took Frank’s advice. He looked at Frank thinking “Do I find him attractive?” Frank had black hair and hazel eyes. There was smudged makeup around his eyes that made them stand out and he had a nose ring and a lip ring. Just in the two or three seconds Gerard looked at the jewelry he saw Frank biting on his lip ring and thought how enticing the habit was. It was really the first time Gerard had studied Frank’s face. He felt that fluttery feeling again and looked down at his feet. Frank didn’t seem to notice Gerard staring at him, or at least didn’t say anything.

“You don’t have to worry he’s not gonna like- beat you up or anything,” Frank smiled. Gerard looked up and had almost forgotten the last thing Frank said. Frank placed a hand on Gerard’s knee and Gerard felt those butterflies again.

“You should come over some time.” Frank said and Gerard was surprised. “We’d just watch a movie or something.” The invitation made Gerard forget about Bert for the time being because he realized he was making new friends, which was huge. Even if he possibly had a tiny crush on them.

“Okay!” Gerard said, without thinking and Frank Beamed. 

“Great! I’ll see you Saturday.” Frank declared “I’ll text my address.” Gerard smiled

“See you Saturday!” And like that Frank was walking back over to his lunch table. Anthony slid his hand around Frank’s waist once he sat down and Gerard felt a tinge of jealousy. 

When Gerard got home from school that day he was more exhausted than ever. He had found out he liked boys. Questioned liking girls even. Found out he had a crush on not only Bert, but Frank too and stressed going to the house of the guy he had a crush on who is already dating someone.

Mikey wasn’t home yet, and his mom was out- there was no car in the driveway. Gerard went to his room and sprawled out on his bed, groaning into his pillow. His phone buzzed and he picked it up, hoping it was Frank texting him. 

It was Mikey, but Gerard didn’t move to check the message after confirming the sender. He sat his phone down and laid his head back on the pillow and heard another ding on his phone. He didn’t turn to check, assuming it was Mikey again and that he wanted money or something. There were two more dings and then he heard his phone begin to ring. Gerard finally rolled over and picked up his phone, looking at Mikey’s contact photo as his phone continued to ring. Gerard answered it and pressed the phone to his ear.

“What?” Gerard said, annoyed that Mikey had interrupted his nap.

“Gerard, why aren’t you answering your texts?” Mikey’s voice was shaky and he could hear the tears in his throat.

“Mikey? What’s wrong, are you crying?” Gerard sat up, his tone of voice changing.

“Gee, its-” Mikey sniffled “You need to get to the hospital right now.”

“Mikey what- What’s going on?!” Gerard asked, panicked. 

“It’s Grandma.” Mikey said and Gerard sprung out of bed, dropping his phone and racing to the front door.

Chapter Text

Halfway down his street, Gerard realized he couldn’t run the ten miles to the hospital and stopped to catch his breath before thinking about who to call to pick him up. His first instinct was Frank.

Gerard dialed Frank's number and prayed he would pick up. Thankfully he did within two rings.

“Gerard, what’s up?” Frank asked, and Gerard could hear Anthony in the background whisper ‘What does he want?’ 

“Frank, uh, do you have a car?” Gerard asked, running a hand through his hair and holding back his tears.

“No, I can borrow my mom’s if you need a ride somewhere though… Are you okay?” He asked nervously.

“Um, yeah I need a ride to the hospital-” Gerard rushed out

“ What?!” Frank practically screamed from the other end but Gerard continues

“I’ll give you my address, I’m not actually sure what’s going on.” 

“I’ll be there soon.” Frank hung up, and Gerard sent his address immediately.

Frank arrived in about ten minutes. Gerard had walked back to his house and sat in his driveway, nervously chewing his nails. As Frank’s car slowed down, Gerard stood up shakily, reaching for the door handle. Frank had the radio on quietly and reached to turn it off as Gerard got buckled.

“Wait, can you leave it on,” Gerard asked timidly and Frank returned his hand to the steering wheel. Frank glanced over at Gerard, who was bouncing his knee nervously. Frank and Gerard sat in silence the entire drive to the hospital, and when they pulled into the parking lot Gerard didn’t wait for the car to stop completely before getting out and running in the doors. Frank followed Gerard hesitantly as he jogged into the waiting room where he found his mom and Mikey. 

Mikey ran into Gerard’s arms and they both sobbed into each other’s shoulders for a few minutes. When Gerard pulled back Frank placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m gonna go,” He whispered, but Gerard grabbed his arm before he could turn around.

“Stay. Please.” Gerard begged, his voice strained and quiet. Frank sighed and patted Gerard on the back and followed him to sit down.

Gerard’s mom looked at Frank and back to Gerard. She looked over to Mikey, and Mikey shrugged to tell her ‘I have no idea where he came from either’  

Gerard started to think about Mikey’s last words he spoke on the phone ‘It’s Grandma’ Gerard thought about those words again and again. He still didn’t know what had happened to his grandma. His breath started to become more shallow and tried to focus on not having a panic attack. Gerard felt Frank grab his hand and felt those butterflies again. He glanced over to Frank’s hand and breathed out- He didn’t even realize he was holding his breath. Frank squeezed Gerard’s hand reassuringly and Gerard finally stopped panicking and began to cry. His grandma was the most important person in the world to him. He couldn’t imagine a life without her. Frank just kept his grip on Gerard and Gerard cried silently while Mikey and his mom sat waiting for any news.

Two hours later a nurse came out

“Way?” She asked and Mikey, Gerard and their mom stood up. Frank slowly looked up at Gerard. He was picking at the skin around his nails, and breathing shallowly

“You can say goodbye now.” The nurse said, and Gerard’s breath caught, he realized it wasn’t just a fall or too much sun. Frank stood up and squeezed Gerard’s hand again.

Gerard followed his mom and Mikey into the room his grandmother was in. Gerard wished he could have Frank by his side but knew his mother wouldn’t appreciate it as much as him. 

As they entered the room, he saw his grandma breathing shallowly and slowly. His mom stepped up first and kissed her forehead, his grandma placing a hand on her cheek.

Mikey walked up to say goodbye and bent down to receive a kiss from her. Mikey wasn’t one to cry, but he had tears streaming down his face now. Finally Gerard walked up slowly and looked down at his grandma. She was frail and tiny, but he could see in her eyes the young girl she used to be. His grandma reached a shaky hand up to Gerard’s face and Gerard bent down to receive it 

“Never let them take the light behind your eyes.” His grandma whispered and brought her hand back down. 

Gerard’s tears were falling on the sheets and his grandma laid back. Gerard moved down to kiss her cheek, and grab her hand. Mikey and his mom both moved to do the same and two minutes later, she was gone. 

Gerard held on to her hand, until the nurse came back into the room to tell them they had to empty the room. Gerard was still sobbing and the last to let go. As he removed his hand he felt an emptiness in himself and his mother had to push him out of the room. Gerard knew his mom and Mikey would wait until they got home to show any real emotion but as soon as Gerard saw Frank in the waiting room he couldn’t hold anything in anymore.

He fell to his knees in the waiting room and Frank rushed over to hug him, his mom and Mikey joining the pile they had made on the floor.

Once home in his bed Gerard sobbed into his pillow. His grandpa had died many years ago, when Gerard was too young to really understand death. Now he had lost the person he had loved most. And too soon.

Gerard wanted to lay in this bed until it consumed him. He wanted to die here. He wanted to see his grandma again.

Chapter Text

gone back after two days but Mikey didn’t get to know Grandma like Gerard. Mikey was only five when they moved out of their grandparents house. Gerard was eight, and his grandpa was still alive. Gerard had lived with his grandparents his whole life. His dad cheated on his mom and split town when Gerard was only two and his mom was pregnant with Mikey. Shad moved into her parents until she was emotionally and financially stable enough to raise two boys. Gerards grandma practically raised him.

Gerard and his grandma still saw each other every weekend and his grandma encouraged him in everything he did.

The following Monday Gerard checked his phone for the first time. He had gotten one text from Frank and a text from Pete and Bert.

Frankie (smoking buddy): I’m so sorry

Pete: why aren’t you at school r u ok?

Bert: I miss you. I hope you’re ok.

Gerard abandoned the phone again and checked the time. four-thirty am.

He pulled the covers back up and tried to go back to sleep, his temporary death.

Gerard woke up to his mom sitting on his bed, stroking his hair. 

“You have to go to school Gerard.” She said, holding back tears herself.

Gerard couldn’t believe that he had agreed to go to school. He felt like shit. He probably looked like shit too, and he was probably going to see Frank for the first time since the hospital too. He avoided everyone that day. He knew he was only at school for the attendance record. He had missed seven days in a row and if he missed three more, his mom would be called to court.

The day was like watching a sitcom. He didn’t feel a part of anything. Detached and upset, Gerard retreated to the bathroom for lunch, something he hadn’t done in years and sat on the floor, staring at the door to the bathroom.

The door opened and Gerard saw Frank walk in. 

“I had a feeling you might be in here.” Frank said, walking over to Gerard and sitting down next to him.

“She raised me.” Gerard said and Frank knew exactly what he meant. Frank turned to hug Gerard and Gerard began sobbing into his shoulder. 

Frank reached lightly over to Gerard’s arm and Gerard snapped his head up defensively.

Frank stared at Gerard, silently pleading with him to allow him to look. “I’m just worried.” Frank whispered, and Gerard felt more tears fall down his face. Frank slowly pushed Gerard’s sleeve up to find several cuts, barely scabbed over and two new ones, just hours old. 

Frank pulled Gerard into a hug tightly and held him for what felt like forever. When Frank released him, Gerard looked up to see Frank grabbing alcohol wipes out of his bag.

“Can I clean them?” Frank asked timidly, and Gerard nodded. Frank wiped the cuts carefully and even though the alcohol stung, Gerard felt very comfortable in Frank’s hands. Frank picked out a butterfly bandage for Gerard’s most recent cut, and a thin strip of gauze to protect the healing ones. He put Neosporin on all the cuts and after double-checking everything, pulled Gerard’s sleeve back down.

“So you just have a First-Aid kit in your backpack?” Gerard asked and Frank nodded.

“I haven’t had to use it in years.” He said and Gerard assumed Frank meant he hadn’t self-harmed in years.

“How?” Gerard asked desperately, wanting the constant pain of being a failure to go away.

“I attempted.” Frank said and Gerard stared at him. In his mind, a failed attempt would only make him want to try again. “When I woke up in the hospital I felt so guilty that I attempted again the next week. Before I even got to the hospital though, I realized my mother would be alone. The thought of her having to bury her only son convinced me to try to stay clean. Of course I cut again, you try and you fail. But eventually I got to a point where I wrote instead of cutting.” Frank said, clutching Gerard’s hand.

The tears streaming down Gerard’s cheeks persisted and Frank wiped them off only for more to fall down. 

“Are you mad at me? Am I hurting you?” Gerard asked frantically.

“Never.” Frank said, “you could never hurt me.”

Gerard looked up at him for a moment, and then buried himself back in Frank’s chest

*~*~*~*~*

When Gerard walked out of his last period, eyes still red, he ran into Frank again. He was embarrassed by their earlier interaction. Frank smiled at Gerard as they both walked out of the school gates. As they walked down the sidewalk in silence Frank reached for Gerard’s hand. Gerard looked down at it and accepted his hand. Frank squeezed it and said the first words of the afternoon

“Y’know it’s okay to be fucked up sometimes.” Gerard’s heart fluttered at the words. He didn’t want to talk. He knew he would just break down again, but he squeezed back to acknowledge. “Can I come over? Right now?” Frank asked as they neared Gerard’s house. Gerard nodded and Frank nodded back.

Chapter Text

“Is your mom home?” Frank asked as Gerard unlocked the door and led him into the living room.

“No, she works a twelve-hour shift from four pm to am.” Gerard said, setting his backpack on the floor next to the couch.

“Oh, shit that’s rough.” Frank said, copying Gerard. 

Gerard turned around and kinda shrugged. “She sleeps when we’re at school, and me and Mikey have kind of gotten used to it. We see her on the weekend though.” Gerard tried to make his tone lighter, but it somehow came out sadder.

“Anyway, what do you want to do?” Gerard asked, hoping Frank genuinely wanted to spend time with him and not just make sure there were no dead bodies by morning. 

“Do you have any good horror movies?” Frank asked excitedly. Gerard grinned so wide, he could have split his head in half. Of course this punk liked horror movies.

“Yeah we’ve got a ton. I don’t really mind horror, but Mikey’s the one who loves it. I just scream at all the jumpscares.” Frank laughed as Gerard pulled out the DVD box.

“Ok, we’ve got The Exorcist, The Shining, Scream…” Gerard listed off the movies.

“How ‘bout Scream?” Frank said, and Gerard grabbed the movie out of the case and inserted it into the DVD player. 

“Want some popcorn?” Gerard asked, as Frank sat down on the couch with the remote in his hand. 

“Uh, if you’re making it anyway.” Frank looked up. Gerard smiled softly, and disappeared behind the wall.

As Gerard put the popcorn into the microwave, he turned to the fridge for soda or something, but as expected, Mikey had drunk all of it. Gerard left the kitchen, going into his room to grab some blankets. With a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket, and a Snoopy blanket in his arms, he went back to the kitchen to take out the popcorn. 

Gerard went back into the living room, and tossed Frank a blanket then sat down next to him. Frank threw the blanket over himself and pressed play on the movie. Gerard was awkwardly aware of the gap between himself and Frank, not knowing if he should fill it or not. Soon enough it didn’t matter though because Frank quoting the entire movie word-for-word took his mind off of it.

Gerard smiled looking at him, trying to hold back a laugh. Frank paused and looked at Gerard, 

“What?” Frank asked, confused.

“Nothing it’s just…” Gerard hesitated saying the next part “It’s kinda cute how you know the entire script.” Frank laughed

“That’s what happens when your mom makes you watch Scream every weekend- ‘Because I wanna know who I’m looking at’” Frank cut himself off to quote the line and Gerard finally burst out laughing. 

His comfort only lasted so long though because soon, Frank had laid his head on Gerard’s shoulder, curling the blanket around his shoulders. If it weren’t for the fact that Gerard had no clue what to do in this situation and that he was now very aware that he had a crush on Frank he would have noticed how adorable it was. Eventually he refocused on the movie, as Billy got stabbed by Ghostface. 

Gerard screamed and jumped as it happened, moving closer to Frank. 

“Jesus, you do scream bloody-murder at the jumpscares.” Frank joked

“Shut up,” Gerard said, hitting him and this time laying his head on Frank’s shoulder.

As the movie finally ended, and Gerard walked Frank out the door, Gerard realized that this was the first time he felt happy in so long, and he wanted to feel it again.

Gerard was in the school bathroom, washing his hands when the door opened and Bert walked in. It wasn’t unusual to meet Bert in the bathroom, but once the dismissal bell rang Bert made a point to get off of campus as soon as possible.

“Hey,” Gerard smiled, looking up at him from the mirror and Bert looked to at him.

“Hi Gerard…” Bert said, taking a deep breath as if he had a speech prepared. Gerard stared at him curiously. Bert walked closer to Gerard, cornering him against the sink. Gerard had no clue what was going on, and Bert looked seriously torn about something.

“What’s wrong-?” Gerard started, but was cut off by Bert’s lips on his. Gerard stood there in shock for a moment before he put his hand on Bert’s cheek and kissed back. He felt Bert smile into the kiss, and Bert’s grip around Gerard’s waist tightened. Gerard had no idea what he was doing. He wasn’t thinking about who he was kissing or why, he was more focused on trying to figure out how to kiss someone, seeing as he had never done it before. When it hit him that this was his first kiss, he pulled back, shocked again. 

“Fuck.” Bert said, and turned around embarrassed. Gerard began to panic, thinking he had offended Bert

“Wait Bert,” Gerard grabbed Bert’s wrist, and noticed the tears in his eyes. “Bert- what’s going on” 

Bert sniffled a bit and looked at the ground.

“I’ve just really wanted to kiss you for a long time now.”

“Oh,” Gerard said, and felt extremely stupid for not noticing. “Wait, did you follow me in here?”

“No,” Bert said “I came in here to pee and I saw you and I just-” He shook his head and looked into Gerard’s eyes.

“Do it again.” Gerard said, almost like offering a challenge. 

“What?” Bert looked surprised, and this time Gerard stepped forward.

“Kiss me again.” Gerard said hesitantly, but confidently. 

Bert tenderly cupped Gerard’s cheek in his hand, and kissed him slowly, smiling again. Gerard placed his hands on Bert’s back, not sure where else to put them, and naturally as they broke away, they landed in a hug.

Gerard felt Bert’s tears on his shoulders and pulled back from the hug.

“Are you okay?” Gerard asked, feeling tears in his own eyes now. 

“Yeah,” Bert sniffled, “I just- I was worried about you because you weren’t at school, and you weren’t answering your phone and- and-” Bert trailed off. He looked from Gerard’s concerned face to the floor “you know what happened last summer…” He said quietly. Gerard immediately understood. He froze. Of course if he didn’t show up to school and didn’t answer his phone his friends would think he had fucking killed himself or had gone to a psych ward or something. 

“No, Bert-” Gerard tried to explain himself but Bert cut him off again.

“I’ve seen your fucking wrists Gerard! I know you’re not okay!” Bert snapped “You had gotten out, and I was so happy for you and you seemed to be doing so much better… But you’re not.” Bert sounded so defeated and there were tears flowing down his face. Gerard prayed to God that no one was going to walk in.

“Bert, I wasn’t at school because my Grandma…” Gerard got caught saying the last word. Not wanting to admit it was real. “She passed away last week.” Gerard choked out and Bert hugged him so tightly, he felt all the air escape his lungs. Even with the two-minute therapy session, Gerard was still shocked at the kiss that had happened so recently. He didn’t even know how to feel about it. Last night he had desperately wanted to kiss Frank, and now all he could think about was the possibility of making out with Bert. 

“Bert.” Gerard whispered, and Bert finally looked back up to him. “Let’s get out of the school bathroom. Please.” He chuckled, Bert didn’t seem to share his laughter, but followed out and Gerard began to lead the way to his house. The road was clear and there weren’t many students walking home since they had left the school so late. Gerard’s street was like autopilot to Bert and he needed no instructions, to the tiny house.

As they walked into the house, Gerard’s guilt of liking Frank, but kissing Bert and not even knowing his feelings for Bert for sure resurfaced. As soon as both had settled in, Gerard finally asked Bert what was plaguing him.

“Are we more than friends now?” Gerard asked, already predicting Bert’s answer. Bert didn’t like the traditional idea of dating, and Gerard respected that; however, Gerard wanted- needed the classic commitment.

“I don’t know.” Bert responded on Gerard’s bed, avoiding eye-contact. “I think that you’re so so beautiful and you’re so kind and you’ve kept me alive in, like, every sense of the word. I want to be able to kiss you again because it felt genuine unlike any other horny-makeout-session, but I can’t be a boyfriend, and I know that’s what you want. Plus I thought you were straight. Now that it’s actually a reality we could date… it kind of scares me even more.” 

Even though Gerard had started the conversation, he felt exhausted. He so badly wanted to kiss Bert again, but he knew it was because he wanted to figure out if it was the “person” part of the kiss or the “boy” part of the kiss that he liked. He also very much wanted to kiss Frank but then the guilt of having a crush on someone with a boyfriend was not only upsetting but embarrassing. 

“We can try something.” Gerard said impulsively and it grabbed Bert’s attention. “What if we… what if we ‘went out’ or like ‘dated’ but we weren’t technically boyfriends.” Gerard thought the idea might have been the dumbest suggestion ever, but Bert’s face lit up. 

“I love it” Bert grinned and a bit of confidence sprung up on Gerard. He slowly crept down onto his bed, straddling Bert, and kissing him gently. Somehow Gerard felt like he was cheating on Frank, he tried to tell himself that was impossible since Frank wasn’t in a relationship with him, but the thought soon left once he felt Bert deepen the kiss and grind against Gerard who could already feel himself getting hard. He pulled back quickly, keeping his eyes closed and a hand in Bert’s greasy hair. 

“Wait.” Gerard said, breathlessly. “Can we just-”

“Stick to kissing for now.” Bert smiled. “Sorry, I’m just excited.” 

“I can tell,” Gerard laughed and put his forehead against Bert’s (Something he had always wanted to do since he first watched a rom-com.) “I am too.” He said. Impulsively he was, but somewhere he knew this wasn’t healthy.

Chapter Text

Gerard was walking out of Math to lunch, searching for Bert. They had been dating for about two weeks now and Gerard was beginning to feel less uneasy about the “relationship”. Bert was even acting relatively “boyfriend-ey”, holding his hand sometimes, and never leaving him at lunch. Maybe this was the bare minimum, but Gerard felt seen and less alone. Walking up to his and Bert’s usual lunch spot, he stopped when Frank waved him over.

“Hey Frank” Gerard smiled as Frank untangled himself from Anthony and walked over to him.

“Hey,” Frank smiled. “Um, this may not be my place, but- are you and Bert…?”

Gerard blushed a little and nodded, Frank grinned 

“That’s great, Gee! Um, I actually wanted to talk to you, I wanted to know if you’d come to my birthday party? It’s not gonna be like a big party-party or anything but just some friends. You can bring Bert too if you want.” Gerard smiled

“Yeah totally!”

“Cool, it’s gonna be like a birthday-slash-Halloween party so come in a costume!” Gerard smiled, he had the absolute best costume in mind.

“Wait, so is your birthday on Halloween?” Gerard asked

“Yeah, it was the best when I was a kid, because I’d get cake, open all my presents and then go around the neighborhood and get tons of candy.” Frank smiled and then picked up his phone, reading a text, “I gotta go, but I’ll see you Friday night.” Frank went over to tell Anthony where he was going and then walked toward the bathrooms.

Gerard turned around and saw Bert walking towards their spot and he jogged up to meet him.

“Hey,” Bert smiled, and put his arm around Gerard’s shoulders. Gerard blushed a little, and slowed his stride to match Bert’s.

“Hi,” Gerard smiled back as the two walked the rest of the way up the small hill to their spot on the ground. “Guess where we’re going Friday night?” 

“Trick or treating?” Bert joked and added at Gerard’s unenthusiasm “Whose party?”

“Frank’s! It’s a costume party and his birthday so we have to find awesome matching costumes and some weed.” Bert grinned.

“Those are like my two favorite things.” 

“I know,” Gerard said smugly.

“I’ll get the drugs, you get the costumes?” Bert suggested, and the two knew exactly where they were going as soon as the bell rang.

Gerard stood in a thrift store looking for anything that matched one of his three costume ideas; Frank N Furter and Rocky, slutty cheerleader and a football star or Dracula and his victim. Gerard honestly just wanted to dress slutty since it was halloween. And possibly wanted to see Bert as a slut too. 

Eventually Gerard found some parts to the costume which ended up being cheerleader and football star. A short green skirt and long sleeve shirt with shoulder pads he could paint on to match the football jersey. For Bert’s costume he found some sweatpants and a green cropped football jersey with a big W on the front. He found a football and planned on sewing in shoulder pads to give the final touch.

Bert texted him with the information that he had weed and booze and Gerard sent him a picture of the jersey. 

Bert: Is that mine?

Yeah

Not to brag but I’m gonna be looking soo hot tonight

Bert: ooo I can’t wait to see

Bert: Did you seriously have to pick a football player tho?

Hey it was either the jersey or golden underpants.

Bert: Should I even ask?

Not unless you’re coming to Rocky Horror with me next weekend.

Bert: Yeah nevermind… :)

Gerard put his phone away and paid at the register. There were still a couple days till the party but he was beginning to get excited. He didn’t realize, but becoming friends with Frank was making him a lot happier. Frank was a beautiful person, who never judged him and he felt safe around him. In the weeks since befriending Frank, Gerard hadn’t drank, smoked or cut to numb his pain, rather the pain seemed to disappear, or if it crept up again, Gerard would text Frank to vent, or keep his mind off of it. 

The new peace in his life was desperately needed. 

As Gerard walked out of the store he noticed a group of girls from his school walking in. He recognized a couple of them; Kristen, the head cheerleader in a short white skirt and pastel-pink tank top (Mikey had dated her briefly and he was astounded at how his geeky little brother could pull the head cheerleader from a school he didn’t even go to) Kristen’s best friend Lindsey with box-dye-black hair in pigtails was wearing a pleated black skirt and fishnets, a white button up and black vest, she was talking to her about some guy who Gerard had never met and another girl who had long brown hair wearing a Green Day t-shirt and low-rise skinny jeans who Gerard didn’t know the name of, but recognized vaguely as Ray Toro’s girlfriend. Gerard smiled at the girls, hoping he didn’t look creepy. Kristen and Ray’s girlfriend ignored him, but Lindsey smiled back. As the group pushed the door open, Gerard heard their giggles, then the door closed and all he could hear were the cars on the road. 

The walk back to his house was only five blocks, and Gerard didn’t mind walking. He enjoyed it actually, he got to be alone and it saved money. When he walked, he could scope the ground for discarded cigarettes, or just have time to simply listen to music. 

Gerard began walking down the street with his earbuds in, listening to Devo. The air was starting to get colder as October set in and Gerard was grateful for the summer heat to be gone. Gerard remembered knowing Lindsey in elementary school, they had gotten married on the playground after lunch one day. Gerard had few friends in elementary school, but Lindsey was one of them. The day they had gotten “married” Gerard had proposed at lunch with a ring he won in a claw machine game the previous weekend, and Lindsey agreed. That day at recess, Gerard and Bert (his second grade best man) stood under a tree waiting for Lindsey and her friends. Lindsey walked toward Gerard, wearing the toy ring and with a single flower picked from the “Kinder-Garden” for her wedding bouquet. The next week Lindsey informed him they were no longer married because she needed to marry Brendon the next week (apparently his fake ring was better) 

Gerard doubted that Lindsey remembered that playground wedding, but she still smiled at him in the hallways, and talked to him in math class. He didn’t know who she was dating now, but was curious. She had adopted a punk style since middle school but still hung out with her old friends who swooned over Harry Styles and Pete Davidson.

As Gerard walked into his neighborhood, he passed some neighbors walking dogs, and smiled, walking up to his driveway. He opened the door to see Mikey sitting at the table doing homework.

“Hey Gee,” Mikey said, not looking up from his Physics paper.

“Hey,” Gerard said, beginning to walk out of the kitchen. He came back, “Do you still go to school with Brendon Urie?” He asked, he knew that Brendon moved schools after sixth grade, and when Mikey switched schools he remembered hearing the name.

“Yeah, why?” Mikey asked, his pencil scratching against the paper.

“Oh, just curious. I was thinking about Lindsey Ballato’s second grade wedding.” Gerard explained, sitting down 

“Ohh, so you’re jealous?” Mikey chuckled

“As if!” Gerard retorted, putting on his best valley girl accent. “I saw her today at the thrift store, and I was just curious.” He repeated and Mikey gave a short “mhm” and continued his homework.

Gerard walked through the hallway, towards his room. He tossed the bag with the costumes on the floor next to his bed and flopped down on the unmade sheets. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Gerard was so ready for Friday to come. He rolled over and opened his eyes to his nightstand. It was covered with dirty dishes and books and whatever else he had set there that he meant to put away but never got to. He thought about the blade in the drawer and shut his eyes tightly rolling onto his back again and sighed. He thought about just throwing it away, since he wasn’t using it anymore, but the thought scared him; he wasn’t ready to commit to getting better. He debated pulling his phone out and texting Bert but he didn’t know what he would say. Eventually he did, just asking him to come over.

Gerard stood up and began to collect the dishes on the nightstand. He took them back out to the kitchen, and went back to his bedroom looking at the newly cleared space on his nightstand. He fell back onto his bed and pulled out his phone, listening to Metallica.

Ten minutes later the doorbell rang, and Gerard raced to it to answer before Mikey had a chance to embarrass him. Instead of seeing Bert upon opening the door, Pete stood there, eyes wide at the sight of Gerard and beginning to blush. He cleared his throat and looked at his shoes. Even better, Gerard got a chance to embarrass Mikey.

“Oh- Hey Gerard- Uhm- I- Mikey said you were shopping. You’re not- Um- I’m gonna go to Mikey’s room.”

“Yeah…” Gerard said, staring at him as he passed through the front door, walking down the hall towards Mikey’s room “y’know it’s good that you and Mikey are getting closer. You can keep an eye on him for me.” 

“Mhm” Pete said, still avoiding eye-contact. Gerard walked back to his room, following Pete. 

“Just- please don’t give him alcohol poisoning…” Gerard said “Or an STI” Pete stopped in his tracks and Gerard closed the door to his room, giggling a little bit. He heard Mikey’s door open and muffled voices, then he heard Mikey cackle and the door slam shut. 

The kitchen door opened again, and Gerard knew it had to be Bert or a home invader.

Sure enough, Bert walked into Gerards room, closing his door again quietly. Gerard smiled and sat up as Bert walked over to his bed and kissed him lightly. Gerard’s hand was on Bert’s cheek, he could feel his light stubble and breathed in the scent of cigarettes, sweat, and weed.

Bert was gentle and slow with the kiss, but Gerard could tell the direction he was hoping to go, with the way Bert was pressing against him. Gerard pulled back and smiled. 

“Hi” he said, voice gravelly. Bert smiled back at him and moved Gerard’s hair back out of his face.

“Why is Pete’s car in the driveway?” Bert asked, moving to match Gerard sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the bed. Gerard chuckled

“Oh yeah, he’s in Mikey’s room and HOPEFULLY EVERYONE'S PANTS ARE ON!” He yelled the last part, making sure Mikey and Pete heard him.

“SHUT UP” Mikey yelled from next door and he heard a muffled snicker from Pete. Bert eyed the wall suspiciously. 

“Good to know.” Bert said, looking back at Gerard who was now nervously drumming on his knee. “Gee it’s not like Pete’s a bad guy”

Gerard looked up at Bert “I know, but he’s a Sophomore, and he smokes and God knows what else. I just don’t want him to lead Mikey somewhere bad.”

“It’s not like Mikey’s a seventh grader anymore, it’s only a year. Plus they were pretty close last year too. Did you not notice?” Bert responded, looking to Gerard, who clenched his jaw- He didn’t notice. 

“Well last year I was either tripping, faded, drunk, or in a mental hospital so I didn’t really notice my drug dealer banging my little brother.” Gerard said, knowing he was coming off too defensively. He knew Bert didn’t mean to hurt Gerard with the question, but he did blame Pete and Bert in part for the state of his Sophomore year. Bert pursed his lips nervously and looked at one of Gerard’s posters. 

Gerard closed his eyes and sighed “I’m sorry-” 

Bert shook his head and turned back to Gerard. “No it’s not- I shouldn’t have sounded so accusatory.”

“Big word.” Gerard joked, and Bert laughed. 

“I’ve been working on expanding my vocabulary-” 

“Oh come here.” Gerard said cutting him off, and pulled Bert’s face forward, kissing him rougher than the first time.

Bert pushed Gerard down on his back, and put his hands on either side of Gerard’s head, holding himself up. Gerard’s hands cupping Bert’s cheeks moved into Bert’s hair, and Bert deepened the kiss in response. Gerard worried again where Bert was taking this, but didn’t say anything, opening his mouth into the kiss. He felt Bert’s tongue slip smoothly into his mouth. The new feeling exciting Gerard, maybe a little too much.

Making out with Bert was intense and Bert was a very good kisser. Gerard moved in rhythm with him, fisting his hair. Bert moved his hand to push Gerard’s hair away from his face again, and moved his kisses down to Gerard’s jaw. Gerard opened his eyes, looking at Bert pressing kisses down his jawline and neck.

Bert moved back up to his lips, chuckling as he kissed him again, and Gerard’s eyes closed as he welcomed Bert’s lips back.

When Bert pulled back again, Gerard looked up at him. Bert's lips were red and wet, and swollen. Gerard blushed, knowing he probably looked the same. Bert smiled at him and laid down on top of him, his head on his chest.

“You’re a really good kisser.” Gerard admitted and Bert laughed. 

“I take great pride in my kissing abilities.” Bert responded, and Gerard hit him with a pillow. 

“Don’t make me take it back” Gerard threatened, and Bert accepted the challenge, getting on top of Gerard again, straddling him. Gerard grinned at Bert as he bent down to kiss him again, softer but still passionately. 

“Have you ever gotten a hickey?” Bert asked, sitting up again. Gerard sat up too.

“Have you ever given me a hickey?” Gerard responded and Bert laughed 

“Oh yeah” Bert said and kissed him again. “Can I?”

Gerard’s breath hitched. He licked his lips, staring at Bert’s. Was Bert going to be all of his first’s?

“Yeah.” Gerard said, sounding more hesitant than he wanted. 

“Are you sure?” Bert asked, lowering the collar of his shirt slightly. The feeling of Bert’s fingers on his skin sent shivers down his spine. 

“Just give me the damn hickey!” Gerard responded laughing.

“Well not with that attitude I won't.” Bert huffed, and Gerard grabbed his shirt pulling him into another kiss and directing Bert’s hands back to the collar of his shirt. They laid down again slowly, and Bert slowly placed kisses down his chin and neck.

Gerard breathed deeply as Bert moved the collar of his shirt again and began to kiss lightly on Gerard’s collar bone. His breath hitched and Bert sucked and licked at the skin. A slight whine came out of him as Bert bit lightly and the now-sensitive skin. Bert sat up immediately.

“Was that a good or bad noise.” He asked carefully, studying Gerard’s expression.

“Oh my God good ” Gerard exhaled, and slipped his hands in Bert’s hair to encourage him to continue. Bert grinned evilly and went back to Gerard’s collar bone, following a similar sequence on a new spot, but this time, sucking and biting a little harder. Gerard bit his lip and inhaled sharply at another bite, shivers going all over his body. He felt Bert smile against his skin, and continued sucking at the response.

Gerard let out a half-moan and Bert smiled again, finally kissing over the new bruise.

“God you’re noisy.” Bert teased and Gerard hit him with the pillow again.

Bert laid down next to him on the bed with a stupid grin on his face, and Gerard couldn’t help but grin too.

Chapter Text

Friday came very quickly, and Gerard actually woke up excited that day. When he woke up the first thing he thought about was the party and the costumes. Halloween was Gerard’s favorite holiday, and getting to still dress up at 17 was very exciting to him. He walked down to the kitchen to meet Mikey, who had skeleton face paint on. It looked a little silly with his glasses but it didn’t really matter. 

“Micheal James Way.” Gerard announced, walking up to him and Mikey looked up, startled at the Middle-Name.

“What?” He asked, annoyed, looking back down to his oatmeal. 

“Are you dressing up tonight?” Gerard asked, sitting down and stealing a piece of Mikey’s toast. Mikey tried to slap his hand away but failed.

“Yes. And you’re not allowed to get all older-brother-ey when you see it.” 

Gerard was surprised, “What could I possibly criticize you for?”

“And you can not mention Pete when you see it.” Mikey added, glaring at Gerard.

“Jesus Mikey are you showing up in fucking lingerie?” Gerard asked sarcastically, and then added “Please tell me you’re not wearing lingerie.” 

“No I’m not wearing lingerie, just don’t be weird.” Mikey said and went back to his oatmeal.

“Hey,” Gerard said, leaning against the table “Can we talk about you and Pete actually?” Gerard asked, and Mikey’s demeanor changed entirely. 

“I guess…” He said stiffly and Gerard sighed. 

“It’s just- I don’t know, I'm worried about you.” Gerard said, looking up at Mikey sadly.

“You always worry about me,” Mikey reminded him. “I’m fine Gerard.”

“Yeah, just Pete is… He’s not exactly a great influence.” Gerard said, and Mikey finally looked him in the eye. 

“Gerard. I’m fifteen, not twelve. I know he’s a drug dealer and a whore or whatever, but he’s so so sweet.” Gerard perked up at this, he’d only ever known Pete as a fuckboy who shows up to class high and loves to remind you of the time you got blackout drunk and threw up on your mom’s shoes. 

“What do you mean?” Gerard asked, now not only worried about his younger brother but interested in his love-life.

“I mean, he’s caring. He remembered my birthday this year, got me a pink unicorn stuffed animal, he holds my hand, kisses me whenever we say ‘hello’ or ‘goodbye’ and I know you don’t want to hear this but he’s really fucking good at giving head.”

“Ok see- yeah- I didn’t want to hear that Mikey.” Gerard closed his eyes and tried not to imagine Mikey getting a blowjob. “But I’ve never seen that side of him.” Gerard smiled, he was impressed.

“He wrote me a song.” Mikey whispered, smiling. Gerard sat up straight now paying full attention.

“Oh my God!” Gerard squealed and grabbed Mikey’s hand “Is it good?” He asked immediately and Mikey rolled his eyes, shaking Gerard's hand off, still smiling.

“Yes.” Mikey answered simply and Gerard felt so happy for his brother. Still a little concerned, but also very happy for him.

“I’m gonna be late.” Mikey said, and stood up, putting his backpack on. “Gerard?”

“Yeah?” Gerard asked, turning to look at him.

“Next time Bert gives you a hickey, tell him to place it lower.” Mikey shut the door before Gerard could respond and sat at the table in defeat. 

Gerard walked into the bathroom to check his neck, and sure enough, two purple bruises on his collarbone. He knew he’d have to change his shirt or cover them somehow, but looking in the mirror in private, he smiled at them, running his fingers over the bruises.

When Gerard got to school, the first person he saw was Frank.

“Hey!” Gerard said as Frank walked into the school with him.

“Oh my God.” Frank stopped dead in his tracks, moving Gerard’s shirt slightly. “You totally have a hickey!” Frank giggled. Gerard frowned, adjusting his shirt a little. 

“Do you have makeup or something?” Gerard asked quietly as they continued walking through campus.

“I’m really sorry I don’t.” Frank said, still holding back laughs.

Gerard groaned “I am so glad I found a shirt with a high collar for tonight.”

“Oh yeah? What’s your costume by the way?” Frank asked, momentarily forgetting about the hickey.

“You have to wait and see.” Gerard said and Frank rolled his head back in annoyance. 

“Fine.” Frank whined, and followed Gerard into the bathroom. Frank set his bag down on the sink, and pulled two cigarettes out from the farthest pocket. He gave one to Gerard and lit his own, then Gerard’s. As Gerard leaned in to Frank to accept the flame, his heart fluttered at his scent. He tried to ignore the combination of cigarette smoke and a tasteful amount of cologne and retreated too quickly once the cigarette was lit.

Gerard looked at his reflection in the mirror, embarrassed, to avoid looking at Frank. The hickey was annoyingly noticeable and Gerard rubbed at it.

“So what’s my birthday gift?” Frank asked Gerard, sitting on the sink next to him and breaking his concentration. 

“Wait and see.” Gerard smirked, turning to face Frank. Frank groaned and rolled his eyes.

“This is torture, Way.” Frank said, and Gerard just smirked and shrugged. Frank took a drag off the cigarette and Gerard looked at him through his hair. Frank turned towards him again and smiled and Gerard groaned, changing the subject on his mind. 

“Who do you think has good concealer?” Gerard asked, turning back to the mirror.

"One of the cheerleaders," Frank said hesitantly "but I wouldn't go to them unless I had a death wish" Frank and Gerard laughed 

When the bell rang for lunch, Gerard practically raced out of his fifth period to find Bert who he really wanted to kiss today. He dumped his bag at their usual lunch spot, and waved at Frank who was walking out of the cafeteria with a lunch tray and Anthony. Frank smiled at him, and told Anthony something before kissing his cheek and releasing his hand. Anthony made his way to their lunch table, and Frank headed towards Gerard. 

Gerard smiled at Frank as he walked up to him. 

“God I better get head tonight, it’s my damn birthday.” Frank whispered and Gerard failed to stifle his cackle.

“Frank, is your boyfriend a tease?” Gerard joked and Frank sighed sarcastically. 

“It’s a horrible life really, and he’s so good at it. He really shouldn’t be hiding that gift.” Frank said dramatically. Gerard slapped him lightly.

“Ew.” But despite the playful disgust, Gerard giggled. “Y’know if you’re seventeen and he’s sixteen you’re like, basically a pedophile.” Gerard joked and Frank rolled his eyes at him.

“I’ve still got another year until I’m legally a pedophile.” Frank protested and Gerard rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah well happy birthday, pedo.” Gerard said, “Go get back to your underage boyfriend.” 

“Don’t even start, Bert’s a whole fifteen months younger than you.” Frank argued

“Yeah and I’ve gotta make out with him so you need to leave.” Gerard said, pushing Frank away playfully. 

“Wow, I see how it is.” Frank said with mock offense, walking away. Gerard watched him leave; he sat down next to Anthony, and laid his head on his shoulder. Gerard sat down, leaning against his backpack. He thought about taking a nap, but settled with people watching until he could spot Bert. Eventually Bert walked up, grinning stupidly. Gerard grinned too, standing up to meet Bert and giving him a small kiss before moving his hand around Bert’s waist to walk back to their seat. 

“How’s your day?” Bert asked, kissing Gerard on the cheek and laying his head on his shoulder. 

“It’s Halloween so it's pretty good.” Gerard said, running his hand through Bert’s greasy hair. “How’s yours?” 

“Decent.” Bert responded

Gerard sighed and laid his head back against the wall, continuing to play with Bert’s hair.

“What d’you wanna do after the party?” Gerard asked. Bert sat up again.

“Pull an all nighter and smoke and drink and eat.” Bert said, listing his dream night.

“We’re probably already gonna be decently drunk and high.” Gerard explained, his hand finding its way back into Bert’s hair.

“Horror movie marathon?” Bert suggested and Gerard groaned.

“Ugh you know those freak me out.” Gerard protested, and Bert smirked evilly

“Yeah, then you get scared and jump into my lap.” Bert laughed as Gerard hit him

“You pervert.” Gerard accused and Bert swatted Gerard’s slaps away.

“C’mon you’re so cute when you’re scared. Y’know I always thought Horror movies would be your favorite, what with your dark and vampire-esk persona.” Bert smiled and leaned back against Gerard.

“Well I like Horror.” Gerard protested, beginning the tired rant about the difference between Elevated Horror and Trashy Slashers. “I just don’t like blood and guts and stereotypical blonde girls with big tits getting chased through an oversized mansion by some creepy dude in a mask.” Gerard started to talk faster and Bert smiled at Gerard’s cute enthusiasm in the topic. “Have you ever seen the Babadook? That’s a freaky fuckin’ movie and really good. No tit-shots the whole movie and it’s still amazing.” Gerard finished.

“Yeah you lost me at ‘no tits’” Bert joked, getting beaten by another wave of Gerard’s weak slaps.

“Again, Pervert.” Gerard rolled his eyes.

“Wanna skip the rest of the day with me?” Bert asked hopefully and Gerard jumped at the chance. 

“Please.” The pair got up and walked to the school parking lot where Bert’s beat up old Chevy sat. The truck was originally his grandpas and after much begging he was allowed to take it as long as he repaired the many things wrong with it with his own money. Of course he spent his money on vodka and cigarettes instead and took the truck to the school auto class to fix instead. It was a win-win because the teacher didn’t need to hunt for broken down vehicles and Bert got his truck fixed for free.

The security guard working at lunch really didn’t give a shit who left and didn’t come back and barely checked the cars for freshman and sophomores who were skipping with upperclassmen. As the two sped off giving a small wave to the security guard, their first stop was Taco Bell for Baja Blast. 

“How can you not like Baja Blast?” Gerard practically shrieked at Bert who shrugged, chewing the ice from his empty Sprite cup. 

“It’s literally just zesty Mountain Dew and the only people who like Mountain Dew are fucking rednecks.”

Gerard scoffed and took a sip from his drink that was starting to water down. 

“Hey let’s stop at Target, I wanna get Frank a birthday gift. I thought I saw a Ghostface Pop figure there last week. You think he’d like that?” Gerard asked hopefully.

“He’s your friend, you should know if he’d like a Ghostface figurine.” Bert shrugged.

“He will,” Gerard replied, now confident in his gift idea. Bert drove the car across the street to the Target, and parked. The two walked in with drinks (ice for Bert) in hand and Gerard led them straight to the back wall where the pop culture section was. Gerard scanned the aisle and as if there was a gold halo around it, he saw the mini-figure Ghostface and dived to grab it. Bert laughed at his dedication to it and Gerard held it proudly.

“Doesn’t Ryan work here?” Bert asked and Gerard already knew his mind was going straight to the liquor section. 

Ryan Ross, their highschool dropout best friend, dropped out at the end of Sophomore year, as soon as he turned 16 to play guitar in a band. It didn’t quite work out like he imagined, but the band still plays in bars sometimes. 

“Yes…” Gerard said cautiously “and even though we both know he’ll sell it to us, he won’t unless we have a fake ID. Which you have of course, I don’t know why I ever doubted you.” Gerard said sarcastically at Bert’s ‘really-Gerard-you-think-I’d-leave-the-house-without-my-Fake-ID’ look.

“You look like a 40 year old dad, you might as well get the booze while I check out legally ” Gerard emphasized. Bert chuckled and ruffled Gerard’s hair.

“I’ll be back with milk soon, son.” Bert said, deepening his voice and Gerard scowled.

“Ew.” Gerard pushed him away playfully and they split up to check out separately. Gerard grabbed a bag and some tissue paper before checking out, and spotted Bert searching for Ryan’s checkout before walking back out to the truck. He opened the door and sat down, beginning to wrap the gift in the black bag and stuffing orange tissue paper in it before doodling a little vampire bat on the card he picked out with a random Sharpie Bert had in his truck. 

Bert opened the door, and quickly shoved the bottle of Vodka under the loose seat in the back.

“Wow, you look so inconspicuous right now.” Gerard said sarcastically.

“Explain like I’m five please.” Bert joked, and Gerard rolled his eyes and hit the back of his head. 

“Just drive dumbass.” Gerard said impatiently and Bert muttered something about being a chauffeur under his breath. The October weather was nice and Bert rolled the windows down on the drive to Gerard’s house. Gerard eyed Bert evilly as his hair blew across his face and stuck to his lips due to the high winds. Bert only laughed at Gerard’s pitiful evil-eye and gently moved the hair out of his face before the wind blew it right back in place. When they pulled up to the house Gerard’s mom’s car was in the driveway. 

“Are you gonna get in trouble for ditching?” Bert asked, stopping the truck and taking out the keys. 

“Probably not.” Gerard said “She’s probably asleep, and if she’s awake I’ll just say you drove me home because I passed out running the mile or something.” Greard smiled and walked around the truck to take Bert’s hand. They walked up the driveway and Gerard put the key in the door and opened it. The two headed straight for Gerard’s bedroom.

Gerard closed the door and sat on his bed next to Bert. “So, do you wanna try on the finished costumes?” He asked, grinning.

Bert smiled and nodded and Gerard scrambled through his closet for the cheerleader dress and football jersey. Gerard admired his own work and thought that the shoulder pads in the jersey definitely made it better. He tossed the shirt and pants to Bert and then showed off the skirt and painted shirt. 

“I even found you cleats and a pair of totally eighties Keds for mine.” Gerard bragged about his costume commitment and Bert smiled wider. “Go try it on!” Gerar urged and Bert disappeared into the bathroom to put on the costume. 

While Bert was gone, Gerard put his costume on as well. He beamed when Bert came back looking like 1980s Johnny Depp. Bert’s jaw dropped at Gerard’s costume and Gerard did a little twirl and Bert smiled at the outfit.

“You. Look. So. Hot.” Bert punctuated each word. Gerard grinned and skipped over to Bert.

"I got face paint so you can have the dumb little stripey things,” Gerard said, putting his arms around Bert’s back. Gerard grinned and Bert kissed him quickly. “Wanna start the movie marathon early?” Gerard asked, grabbing his laptop and sitting on the bed. Bert sat down next to him, and put his arm around Gerard’s shoulders. Gerard’s heart fluttered at the motion even though it was a daily practice now. 

“Only if we start with Friday the Thirteenth.” Bert said, stealing the laptop and opening some illegal website to stream the movie. Gerard groaned, but laid his head on Bert’s shoulder to see the screen as the movie started. As predicted, as soon as Annie was killed, Bert had to muffle Gerard’s scream with a pillow to try not to wake his mom.

The two paused, waiting for Gerard’s mom to walk in but after a minute of silence, they laughed and continued the movie.

Halfway through the movie they heard Gerard’s mom get up and leave for work. Bert and Gerard held their breath until they heard the front door close and the car start up and drive away. Finally the movie ended and Gerard shut the laptop. “Thrashers are so stupid.” He declared and Bert just giggled and pulled him closer. Gerard wiggled himself away and checked the time. It was almost five. He pulled out his phone and texted Frank to ask what time they should show up. Almost immediately Frank responded

Frankie (smoking buddy): whenever!

Gerard set his phone down on his desk and sat down on the bed again with Bert. They laid together for a while, Bert mindlessly playing with Gerard’s hair while Gerard traced the little stick and pokes on Berts arms. There was a design of a heart in a noose that he would go back to every so often. Bert had a d edicated tattoos, but most of them were silly little doodles. Gerard studied each one. Of course he had inspected each one as Bert did them, but just appreciating them all now made Gerard smile.

Gerard finally set Bert’s arm down and laid his head on Bert’s chest. He smiled again when he heard Bert’s heart rate increase from the action. Bert held Gerard and they stayed like that in silence for almost an hour. The silence was finally broken by Bert.

“Gee” Bert said softly, and sat up, forcing Gerard to copy him. Gerard looked into Bert’s eyes and smiled encouragingly. “I have a question.” Gerard waited for him to continue and Bert began to smile. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Gerard grinned and kissed him deeply.

“Of course I do, you idiot.” Gerard said and kissed him again. “What made you change your mind about ‘boyfriends’?” He asked him again.

“You,” Bert said, and smiled. Gerard laughed, and kissed Bert one more time. 

“Ok, but we should leave soon.” Gerard said and grabbed the face paint. “I trust you can put on two stripes of black face paint yourself?” He said, and hesitantly handed the paint to Bert. “I’m gonna go put on some totally eighties makeup.”

Chapter Text

As Gerard and Bert pulled up to Frank’s house, Gerard felt a small wave of anxiety, but looked at Bert and smiled. Bert took the keys out and they began walking up to the house.There were small decorations along the path to the front door which was lit up with green lights.There were fake spiders and spider webs hanging from the doorframe. Gerard rang the doorbell and a few seconds later, Frank in Dracula costume was at the door with a bowl of candy. 

“Trick or Treat!” Gerard said and Frank laughed and gave both of them a piece of candy before inviting them in. There were a few other people there; Anthony was on the couch watching Halloween with a bowl of popcorn and Pete and Ray were talking in a corner with beers in their hands. Frank closed the door and Gerard turned around to face him.

“Happy birthday!” Gerard said, holding out the little black gift bag and the vodka Bert got. Frank's eyes lit up like a child at the sight of a present. He accepted the vodka and put it on the table near the assorted beers and wine coolers. He grabbed the black bag and read the card first.

“‘I vant to suck your dick’” Frank read out, quoting the vampire bat Gerard drew on the card and laughing. “Very creative.” He giggled and then began to rip the tissue paper out of the bag to get to the gift. He pulled out the figure and gasped. “OHMYGOD I LOVE IT” He yelled out and hugged Gerard. Gerard laughed at Frank's reaction.

“Good, I fought a middle schooler to get that.” Gerard said sarcastically. Frank held the ghostface figure carefully, admiring it.

“Thank you.” Frank said, and put the figure back in the bag with the card “I’m gonna put it in my room, do you guys want anything to drink?” He asked, gesturing to the table of alcohol.

“I’m gonna start with a seltzer.” Gerard smiled, and grabbed a can. He handed Bert a beer and Frank left to put the gift away. Gerard put his drink up “Cheers.” Bert did the same and they each took a drink. They sat down on the couch and said ‘hi’ to Anthony, watching Halloween with him. Gerard never really talked to Anthony and generally felt kind of awkward around him, but Bert knew him well enough and with Bert in the middle Gerard felt better. 

“You better not scream when he breaks the closet door.” Bert whispered to Gerard, and Gerard made a show of rolling his eyes, but still mentally prepared himself. Frank came back into the room and joined them on the couch, sitting next to Anthony and sharing his popcorn. Anthony was dressed up as Chucky, with fake blood all over his face. He had the orange wig and everything.

The doorbell rang again and Frank got up excitedly with the candy bowl. Gerard peeked around the corner at the actual trick-or-treaters.

“You guys look so amazing! You make such a pretty princess! And you are a very scary witch! Happy Halloween!” Gerard heard Frank say to the kids before the door closed and Frank was back on the couch. They were at the end of the movie and Dr. Loomis had finally shown up to kill Micheal before Jaime Lee Curtis looked out the window and he had disappeared. Anthony turned the TV off and Frank got up to get another drink.

“How many people are coming?” Pete asked. Frank went to turn on some music and half shouted over Danzig to respond. 

“A couple more. Lindsey, Christa and Kristen are coming- Ray invited them- and Jamia and her boyfriend are coming. I think they might bring a couple theater kids.” Frank took a sip of his drink and Ray chimed in to defend himself.

“For the record I only invited my girlfriend. Christa invited the other two.”

“Didn’t Mikey and Kristen date?” Gerard asked, turning towards Ray. 

“Yeah they did, didn’t they? In middle school, right?” 

“Mikey’s not gay?” Anthony asked and looked between Pete and Gerard. Gerard eyed Pete cautiously, who seemed to shrink back at the topic.

“How should I know anymore?” Gerard laughed and leaned against Bert.

When the doorbell rang again, Frank grabbed the candy but everyone seemed to know it was probably high schoolers and not kindergarteners. Frank opened the door to Christa, who was dressed up as David Bowie, Lindsey, who was dressed up as Tiffany Ray, and Kristen who was dressed up as Carrie. Frank laughed when he saw Lindsey’s costume.

“Anthony’s Chucky, was this planned?” 

“No, it wasn’t but that’s cool.” Lindsey said awkwardly, when they came into the living room, Lindsey set another bottle of Vodka on the growing pile.

“I like your costume.” Anthony said and laughed. Lindsey smiled back, but didn’t respond. Ray moved over to kiss Christa and Kristen sat on a kitchen chair, opening a snickers she accepted from Frank’s trick-or-treater bowl. 

“How’s Mikey?” Kristen asked, smiling. Gerard was caught off guard by the question but realized he was in small-talk distance from Kristen.

“He’s good, not that I ever see much of him anymore. He’s entering his annoying teenager phase.” Gerard explained and Kristen laughed

“Yeah I haven’t seen him since sixth or seventh grade.” Kristen said and took a sip of her drink. “So you’ve got a boyfriend now?” She asked in a way that sounded accusatory.

“Sorta…” Gerard smiled awkwardly and looked over to Bert who mocked offense.

“‘Sort of’?!” Bert scoffed, and Gerard hit him. Kristen laughed and changed the subject.

Frank glanced over at them but quickly continued his conversation with Anthony and Pete. Gerard looked back at Frank and stopped paying attention to Kristen. He thought about what Frank had told him in the bathroom two weeks ago, would it ever be possible for him to stop feeling so shitty ? Gerard felt Bert elbow him, and blinked and looked back at him.

“You okay?” Bert asked and Gerard smiled.

“Yeah, I just zoned out for a second.” He said. Kristen was now talking to Lindsey who had walked over to the three of them. 

“Did you actually bleach your hair?” Gerard asked Lindsey and she smiled.

“Yeah! I’m glad it didn’t turn out like your stupid yellow phase.” Lindsey laughed and Gerard grimaced.

“I’m glad that hair will forever live in our Sophomore yearbook.” Gerard said sarcastically.

“I liked it.” Bert smiled and Gerard rolled his eyes.

“No you didn’t. I looked like I was having a midlife crisis.” Gerard argued.

“You looked like a lesbian.” Kristen said and Lindsey snorted. Gerard sighed and nodded in defeat and agreement.

“Who’s a lesbian?” A girl Gerard never met with her arm around Frank’s shoulders asked. 

“Gerard when he bleached his hair.” Frank said, and Lindsey laughed again and Gerard stood up.

“Okay, I’m leaving.” Gerard bluffed, but Frank grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.

“You can’t leave without meeting the coolest girl at the party!” Frank whined and Gerard smiled and the brunette girl. 

“This is Jamia,” Frank introduced the girl. “She moved here last week, we have math together.” Jamia waved at Gerard 

“I like your costume!” She said and Gerard smiled back

“Thanks. You too!” He said. Jamia was dressed up as Silk Spectre from Watchmen and Gerard was very excited to meet someone else who liked the comic.

“What did his bleached hair look like??” Jamia asked Lindsey immediately 

“I’m so happy you asked, because I have multiple pictures.” Lindsey grinned evilly and took out her phone. Gerard groaned and put his face in his hand.

“I wanna see this too.” Frank exclaimed and leaned in to see the hair.

Once the Gerard humiliation was over, Pete was very excited to start the drinking games, and like a middle schooler tried to force everyone to sit in a circle and play spin the bottle. 

“You do know that half of us came here with dates right?” Ray eyed Pete, who just threw his hands up in defeat.

“How about we watch a horror movie and take a shot every time someone screams?” Frank suggested in an act of appeasement. Pete was happy with that and added the rule that you also have to take a shot when you scream yourself. Frank and Bert grinned evilly at Gerard who could tell now that he was going to be wasted by the end of the night.

“Why don’t I just down a bottle of Vodka now and get it over with?” Gerard suggested sarcastically, but Bert forced him down on the couch and Christa poured the first round while Frank started Nightmare on Elm Street. Fifteen minutes in and Gerard was getting tipsy.

“Why do you scream so much?” Ray asked, laughing. The question was directed at Gerard, but Christa who screamed almost as much punched him in the arm. 

By the time Freddy attacks Nancy in the bathtub Gerard was properly drunk. He would giggle with Christa who was one step behind him and then they would both scream and jump together at the next jumpscare. 

“Let’s make a pact.” Christa whispered loudly “If one of us is about to scream let’s make out to shut eachother up!” Ray and Bert both turned to death-stare her, but laughed at her drunken genius. Gerard laughed and put his head on her shoulder and in turn Christa laughed at her own bad idea. 

“Okay new idea.” She whispered again, “We’ll just punch each other.” Gerard intended to shake on the deal, but drunkenly extended his left hand and Christa tried to shake it with her right, sending them both into a fit e of giggles before screaming again at what happened on the TV and Frank handing them both another shot.

Finally the movie was coming to the climax and Freddy was killing Johnny Depp. Of course Gerard screamed and took another shot, but then sighed and frowned. 

“He killed my husband.” Gerard said grumpily and Frank looked over at him and laughed. Christa somewhat held up her end of the pact and managed to keep Gerard from screaming anymore and didn’t scream herself because she was so invested in Gerard not screaming, so neither of them had to take any extra shots besides the ones where the characters screamed.

The movie ended and Frank turned to the group. “How about we start Bride of Chucky, in honor of our bride and groom” he motioned to Anthony and Lindsey who giggled and nodded. “Okay, no more alcohol though. I don’t want to clean up vomit on my birthday.” He took the bottle away from Pete who frowned, but cooperated. They started the movie and the group all sat there, drunk and watched the movie, giggling at how awful it was. After that movie was over, they turned the TV off and Frank turned the music back on. 

Gerard sat on the floor with Bert giggling. Bert had promised to catch up with Gerard, so they were now both totally wasted. Gerard stood up and walked (or rather stumbled) to Frank. 

“You got a cigarette?” Gerard asked, and Frank laughed, and held on to Gerard to keep him upright.

“In my room, come on.” Frank said, and went into his room to grab the pack of cigarettes. Gerard followed, and looked around Frank's room intrigued.

“Your room’s cool.” Gerard slurred and Frank chuckle d.

“Found ‘em.” He held up the cigarettes like a trophy, and grabbed Gerard to lead him to the back yard.

Gerard shivered and Frank laughed at him. “Here, take my cloak.” Frank smiled and moved his cape around Gerard’s shoulders. 

“Thanks," Gerard whispered. Frank smiled and lit his own cigarette, then held the flame for Gerard. 

Gerard took a drag off the cigarette and laid his head back as he exhaled the smoke. He turned his head to look at Frank, who was staring out into the yard and hummed quietly. Frank turned to look at him and took another drag off the cigarette. Gerard closed his eyes and took a deep breath, again enjoying Frank’s scent of cigarettes and cologne and alcohol. Gerard felt something on his lips, at first thinking it was just his cigarette but then felt a hand in his hair and realized Frank was kissing him. Before he knew what he was doing, Gerard was kissing him back. It was the most magical feeling, the butterflies in his stomach rising to his heart. He felt his skin buzzing and couldn’t tell if it was from Frank or the alcohol but he had a guess as to which.

Frank jumped when he heard the back door open. He looked down at his lap, and took a hit of his half smoked cigarette. Gerard looked up - away from Frank - at Ray who was staring at them.

“I won’t say anything.” He whispered “I was just coming out for a smoke. Frank, you’ve got lipstick-” he motioned towards Frank’s lips, where Gerard’s lipstick was smudged. He turned around and went back into the house. Frank wiped at his lips and took one last drag of the cigarette before standing, stomping it out and turning around.

“I’m gonna… yeah.” He said before walking back inside. Gerard put his face in his hand and groaned before wiping his lips, stomping out his own cigarette and following Frank inside. Gerard took off the cape and went down the hall to put it in Frank’s room. He cracked the door before he saw Frank and Anthony making out, shirts off. Anthony was moving down Frank’s body, unbuttoning his pants and Gerard closed the door quietly, and hung the cape around the doorknob. Why did he have such bad luck at parties?

Chapter Text

Gerard found Bert in the kitchen talking to Lindsey. As he moved closer to Bert, he saw Ray staring at him. Ray turned back to Pete and Gerard stood in Bert’s shadow until he turned around to talk to him.

“Can we go… please?” Gerard asked quietly

Bert was hesitant to agree but did when he saw the tears in Gerard's eyes.

The two got in the truck again and Bert drove them to Gerard’s house. Gerard sat with his knees pulled against his chest, allowing tears to flow down his face silently. Bert looked over once or twice but kept his hands on the wheel and stayed silent. When they got to the house, Gerard went inside silently and Bert followed close behind him. Gerard sat on his bed, staring at the wall and Bert examined him for a moment before going into the bathroom.

Without thinking, Gerard reached for the blade in his drawer. Muscle memory took over and he dragged it across his skin in fast mechanical motions. Finally he dug as deep as he could, as slow as he could and began to repeat the slow, deep cuts until he looked down and saw just how deep this cut was now.

It was well into his layer of fat, and long. He dropped the blade on his bed, landing in a pool of his own blood.

“Fuck,” he exclaimed, he sounded calm but inside was panicking. He would need stitches for this. Only one other time had he cut this deep and it was when he hit a vein, trying to kill himself. He began to cry, feeling a throbbing sting and Bert rushed out of the bathroom to find him sitting on his bed, sobbing while blood dripped from his arm onto his sheets.

“Oh my God, Gerard- Fuck- What did you do?!” Bert yelled and Gerard sobbed harder. He could not form any words. Bert ran into the bathroom again and returned with a towel he placed over Gerard’s arm.

“Fuck do you need stitches?” Bert asked quietly but still panicked.

“No!” It was Gerard yelling this time, finally finding his words “no, please, no one can know.” He sobbed, grabbing Bert’s shoulders and sobbing. Gerard began to hyperventilate and barely formed a sentence to instruct Bert on what to do.

“My mom… Her room… She has… First… Aid” Gerard sobbed and Bert got up to run to the Master Bedroom to get Gerard’s Mom’s medical bag. When he returned Gerard was holding his arm in pain and sobbing

“Fuck- Bert- Shit,” was all he repeated as Bert tried his best to clean, bandage, and cover the wound. Gerard was lightheaded and still sobbing, looking at the blood on his sheets. Bert went to grab more towels and Gerard grabbed the razor and cut his hand on it while he wiped it on the sheet and tossed it back in his drawer before Bert came back. Gerard then wiped his hands on the sheets and Bert walked back in and stood in front of Gerard.

“Gee… what did you use?” Bert asked quietly

Gerard stayed silent and wiped his bleeding hand against the sheet again. Bert grabbed his hand and looked at the scratch on it. It looked like nothing compared to his arm.

“Where did you put it?” He asked, letting go of Gerard’s hand. Gerard started to cry again and though Bert’s gaze softened, he still didn’t move to comfort Gerard. Bert gave up when Gerard refused to answer and began to unmake Gerard’s bed. He put the bloody sheets in the washer and while they waited for the cycle to end, he sat next to Gerard and held him while he cried.
After he put the sheets in the dryer, Bert sat down again and held Gerard’s hand.

“Please Gerard, answer one question?” He begged, Gerard looked up at him and waited.

“Why? I thought you were doing okay. I thought we were having fun tonight, you were so excited. I don’t understand…” Gerard looked away in guilt and Bert added “please help me understand why you’re upset” in response. Another wave of sobbing came down and Gerard just sobbed into Bert’s chest. Bert held him until eventually the sobs stopped and he realized Gerard had fallen asleep. Bert layed down with Gerard carefully and stroked his hair and back until he fell asleep himself, holding Gerard.

When Gerard woke up, he picked up his phone to check the time. It was 11:30, and he had two messages from Frank

Frankie (smoking buddy): Did you leave early last night?
Frankie (smoking buddy): I barely remember anything past the movie.

Gerard set his phone down and looked over to his left hand. He lifted the gauze to look at the cut underneath. In truth he only had a hazy memory of what happened last night, but he knew that if he remembered it in his drunken state, then Frank definitely remembered what had happened.

The cut was wide, and looked very deep. Bert tried his best to hold it together with butterfly bandages, but Gerard knew that without stitches it would take forever to heal and would never heal properly. The gauze had soaked up a significant amount of blood. The blood in and around the cut was crusted and it was not actively bleeding. He replaced the gauze and looked over to Bert, who was still sleeping. After a half hour, Bert finally woke up and immediately sat up to look at Gerard. Bert hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.

“I have to get home.” Bert whispered.

Gerard nodded and Bert got up to put on his jeans and t-shirt from the day before. After Bert left, Gerard got dressed and went out to run. He went through his usual route which was about 3 miles and ended in the park. He felt so shitty the only thing he could do was run. He made it to the park and bent over, panting. He walked through the park and sat on the swings. He breathed in the cool air and closed his eyes. His mind was so full. He was scared to lose Frank, he was confused because he liked the kiss, he was scared to lose Bert, he was worried about Ray knowing. He sat on the swing thinking about it a while longer and ended where he started. He got up and walked back home, still spinning with the events of the last 24 hours.

When Gerard got home his heart dropped when he saw who was sitting on the steps leading up to his front door.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t text, I kinda got the feeling you wouldn’t answer.” Frank said as he stood up, blocking the door. Gerard wanted to turn around and run away as fast as he could, but instead he walked past Frank silently and unlocked the door. He left it open for Frank to follow, and walked into the kitchen to make a glass of water.

“So…” Frank trailed off. Gerard knew not speaking was probably more awkward than talking through what had happened last night, but he thought if he opened his mouth he wouldn’t be able to shut up.
“I lied.” Frank spoke up, Gerard looked at Frank through the hair in his eyes, grateful for the extra layer preventing true eye-contact. “I lied when I texted you, and you knew that. I’m sorry.” Gerard stayed quiet. He didn’t know where this was going, if Frank was going to be mad at him, if Frank was going to ask him to stay away from him forever. So Gerard stayed silent.

“Was it a mistake?” Frank whispered

I don’t know, Gerard thought, but he didn’t say anything.

“I told Anthony.” Frank said. “He’s pissed at me.” Gerard didn’t know why Frank was telling him this. Was he supposed to feel guilty? Did Frank want him to feel guilty?

“Gerard.” Frank said. He sounded mad and Gerard could guess why. Gerard looked up at Frank, no longer avoiding eye contact. His shame and guilt were now manifesting into anger at Frank.

“What do you want me to say, Frank?” Gerard snapped. “That it was a mistake? Because you kissed me. Okay? I didn’t ask you to kiss me, you just did. I didn’t ask you to tell your boyfriend. And I get why Anthony’s mad at you, he has a right to be mad at you.” Gerard was yelling now.

“You kissed me back.” Frank said, he was defeated. Gerard shook his head in disbelief. He couldn’t do anything but exhale in annoyance and he saw Frank clench his jaw.

“Fuck you Frank.” Was all he could say before stomping out of the house and slamming the door. He sat on the steps in the same place Frank had. Soon he heard footsteps coming towards the door before it creaked open slowly. He turned his head so he wouldn’t see who sat down next to him, but he knew it was Frank.

“Please don’t say that.” Frank whispered, and Gerard snapped his head around to look at him.

“Why not? Give me one good reason why not. You’re blaming this on me. This is not my fault.”

“I know it’s not. I’m sorry, Gerard, I'm so sorry.” Gerard rolled his eyes at Frank.

“You’re unbelievable.” Gerard sighed.

“Gerard.” Frank was begging now. Gerard turned at Frank and stared at him with a scowl on his face. What bothered him the most was not Frank’s words, or Frank’s attitude, but that while looking at his face, his eyes, his lips, all he wanted to do was kiss him again. Frank had tears in his eyes and his face was red. Gerard was angry at him, but couldn’t stop himself when he rushed into Frank’s space, grabbed his face and kissed him with a passion he couldn’t describe. Frank almost fell back from the force, but steadied himself before grabbing Gerard’s face back. Gerard felt his force matched and he couldn’t tell whether they were in an embrace or a battle. He felt like this wasn’t them making up, but continuing their argument with the kiss. He felt that if he broke the kiss first it would be admitting defeat. So instead of breaking, Gerard snaked his hand into Frank’s hair and grabbed a fistfull of it. He felt Frank inhale sharply and pause his intensity for a split second, before responding by biting Gerard’s lower lip, first lightly, then harder after Gerard, himself, paused. Gerard applied more pressure on Frank’s mouth. He felt frenzied, and with each push and pull of the battle Gerard became more excited.

Frank broke first and Gerard thought that he had won before Frank stood up, and pulled Gerard up by his collar. Gerard forgot the battle and fully submitted to Frank, allowing him to win. Frank shoved into Gerard’s lips once again, and began to walk backwards, still leading Gerard by the collar of his shirt. Frank opened the door, and stepped through, hitting his shoulder on the doorframe, but seemed not to care because he still did not break contact with Gerard’s lips. Gerard grabbed the door handle and closed it. He began to push Frank in the direction of his room, and entered through the doorway. Frank spun around, so now he pulled the door closed, and pushed Gerard onto the bed. Gerard was laying on his back with his legs dangling off the edge of the bed and Frank was straddling him. Now in complete privacy, Frank became rougher. His teeth occasionally smashed against Gerard’s or caught on his lip, and drew blood. Gerard tasted it, but didn’t care. He became dizzy from the lack of oxygen, he didn’t remember when the last time he had taken a true breath was, he had just inhaled Frank’s scent for what felt like forever. Gerard felt Frank pull his hair hard and turned his head to the side, allowing Frank to kiss and suck at his jaw.

“Frank,” Gerard whispered. Frank pulled back to look at Gerard. Gerard opened his eyes to take in Frank. His face was red, and his hair was messy from where Gerard’s hands had been. They both breathed heavily and Frank flopped over on his back, laying next to Gerard. “What was that?” Gerard asked. Frank laughed breathlessly, but was otherwise silent. Then Frank began to cry.

“Frank?” Gerard asked, he felt the same pit in his stomach he woke up with.

“What am I going to do about Anthony?” Frank asked, his tears mixing with a grave chuckle.

“What am I going to do about Bert?” Gerard responded, his mind racing with guilt and excitement.