Chapter Text
The next few weeks pass, Neil stops going to Columbia with the monsters, he stays away from them whenever Andrew is around. Only talking with Kevin during practice and Nicky when the other forces his way into his dorm. Thanksgiving has Neil staying at Bailey’s apartment while he’s visiting his partners since Andrew’s lot go to Abby’s for the day. He lets Wymack and Abby believe he’s visiting family, Nicky was the most upset that he wasn’t spending the day with them. The day goes slowly, Neil answers texts from the other foxes and Bailey who was disappointed that Neil hadn’t gone with him. But Neil was planning on spending Christmas break with his family and didn’t think he would be able to put up with them twice so close together.
After, Neil welcomes the foxes back, telling them stories from Bailey about his uncle when they ask about his break. Nicky has once again pushed into Neil’s dorm, pouting at him when he’s ignored. “Neil! Why won’t you talk to me? What happened with you and Andrew?” Nicky whines, throwing himself onto the couch beside him. “That’s between us, Nicky. I messed up, that’s all you need to know.” Neil tells the other man, annoyed by his antics. “Then apologize and make Andrew forgive you. He’s gotten even more quick to injure now.” Nicky doesn’t see the glare on Neil’s face in his dramatics.
“He asked me to give him space. Why would I ignore that? It would only be to make me, or you feel better, but it would make him uncomfortable, Nicky. Either he’ll forgive me, or he won’t, I’m not going to push or rush him, and if I find out that you are, I’ll make his temper look like a child’s tantrum.” Neil makes sure Nicky is looking at him, to see how serious he is. Nicky pales but rallies quickly, “Fine, I’ll stop bothering him about you, but I think it’s stupid that you two won’t talk it out.” Nicky says before leaving.
A week into December, Neil is at Bailey’s apartment going over files that the Hatford’s pulled from his father’s network looking for things related to the Moriyama’s. It takes him a moment to recognize Lola’s voice as a video begins to play. He watches as she drags a young Nathaniel into a room in the basement he doesn’t recognize. “Now, junior you know how much I love it when you cry so make sure to let it all out when it gets too much okay?” She taunts as she straps him face down on a table.
Neil tenses as he watches Lola start with her knives, it takes a while before he cries out as he’s already too used to pain. He remembers Lola and her knives, but he had never seen this room before. After Lola grows bored of making him bleed, she starts touching him, removing all his clothes to pinch and tickle and scratch. Neil watches as his younger self tries to get away but is helpless. He doesn’t think he’s breathing anymore, he should be worried about that but all he can do is watch as Lola touches him, as she uses the handle of her knife to make him scream in a way she never had before, at least Neil doesn’t remember her touching him like that. Though he’s just learned that he can’t trust his memory.
The sound of Bailey dropping something in the kitchen startles him out of his panic. He sucks in a breath, dropping his head between his knees. “Fuck.” He wheezes, stumbling from the couch he slams the laptop closed and fumbles for his phone. He’s pulled up Andrew’s contact before reality seeps in. He can’t call him; this Andrew is not his Andrew and he’s already hurt him enough.
Taking a deep breath, Neil goes through his contacts until he finds Betsy’s number. She picks up on the third ring. “Neil?” He can’t respond, but she can hear his panicked breathing. “Neil, I need you to follow my breathing.” Betsy talks him through the panic attack and when he is calmer she asks if he needs to see her. Neil gives her Bailey’s address and has him help get to her car when she arrives.
They drive around rather than go back to her office. “Do you want to talk to me about what happened?” She asks. Neil watches the road as he considers. “I found a video of something I don’t remember happening. How is it that I don’t remember what she did to me?” Neil asks quietly. “When we go through trauma that our brains can’t handle it represses the memory to protect us. Especially if it happens when we are young.” Betsy answers as she comes to a stoplight. “I would have been six or seven, I still had the bandages on my shoulder.” He says mostly to himself, “She was always saying things, telling me I would look like my father, how pretty I was when I cried, pinching me when I was supposed to be quiet. But I don’t remember that day, or even if it happened more than once.” Betsy pulls over when he starts hyperventilating, “Breathe Neil.” He’s getting sick of not breathing.
“Neil, how would you feel setting up weekly sessions with me?” Betsy asks after he’s settled again. “Probably should have done it sooner.” He replies, “Okay, I have an opening right after Andrew’s time so you could drive over together.” She offers and Neil shakes his head. “No, that won’t work. I need a different day.” She stares at him for a moment before asking why. “I promised him I’d give him space, would be kind of hard to do if we had to drive somewhere together every week. I won’t encroach on his boundaries. If you don’t have any other openings just find me someone else to talk to.” Neil tells her, he sees her eyes widen a bit at his words and wonders if Andrew had told her about it already. “Okay, I’ll have to check my schedule but I’m sure I can fit you in some other time.”
She drops him back off a Bailey’s and he feels more present but his skin itches with an anxiety he can’t escape. Bailey offers to spar with him when he sees how restless Neil is and he agrees. They go for an hour before Neil fails to dodge and takes a fist to the face. Despite the growing black eye, Neil is settled enough to rest. Though the nightmares surprise no one.
He has Bailey drop him off at the dorms before his classes, luckily no one is there so he avoids questions until practice. Already exhausted with the day before his classes are even over, Neil heads to the court before practice starts to change out before the others.
“Neil, what happened?” Matt gasps when he sees his eye. “I’m fine, just didn’t dodge as well as I should have.” Neil answers, letting the foxes get a good look because they won’t move on otherwise. “Who hit you? I’ll fuck them up.” Matt spits, moving to touch the bruise but Neil dodges away from him. He ignores the hurt look and steps out of reach of the others. “I was sparring, it was an accident so there’s no need to fuck anyone up,” Neil answers and he can tell they think he’s lying. The irony of that almost makes him laugh.
He stops answering their questions and keeps from looking at Andrew until practice starts and he can run off the left-over panic from last night. He’s surprised he can still stand after running himself ragged at practice, but he smiles at the foxes’ jokes and pretends he’s fine until he can be alone. After he showers, Neil walks outside to see that Bailey is waiting for him. The other foxes have gathered by the doors and are whispering to each other, but he just tells them goodbye and makes his way to Bailey.
“Tough day kid?” Bailey asks, taking in how pale Neil is. Neil snorts at that, letting Bailey open the passenger door for him, he feels eyes digging into his back and when he looks, he sees Andrew’s lot have joined the upperclassmen in watching them. Neil flinches when Bailey’s hand brushes against his arm but waves off the apology because he hadn’t been paying attention. They drive back to his apartment, and he lets Bailey distract him with what his partners have been up to.
“Stuart told me that there were no other videos like that. He destroyed it.” Bailey tells him and Neil nods, “I honestly can’t tell you if it was only once or if she only recorded one video. I hate that I’m missing time. Even though I don’t want to remember.” Neil admits and then he spends the rest of the night burying himself in Hatford work to distract himself.