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Party Gates and Awful Fates.

Summary:

"What is wrong with you?" Dipper snapped, eyes filled with rage and betrayal. "You lied to me, used me, when all you had to do was open the-"

"I DID!"

"What?"

"I did open the gates." Pacifica repeated, "I've opened them 15 times."

Or, what happens when I combine the Northwest curse with a time curse?

Chapter 1: An Awful Fate

Chapter Text

Dipper ran like a man possessed, reflexively sliding between the legs of a petrified party guest as he made his way to a convenient stump. Ordinarily, he would have congratulated himself on such a cool move, but right now he had a mission.

"Hey ghost!" He called, brandishing a silver dinner tray like a shield. "Prepare to be-"

Wham!

A bolt of ectoplasmic energy knocked his impromptu weapon from his hand, followed quickly by a second wave of powerful magic. Dipper didn't even have to look down to know what was happening.

"No, nonono. Someone help, someone HEEELP!-"

As the enchanted wood engulfed his face, Dipper's mind wandered to the last major monster he'd beaten, and it's final words as it taunted Dipper with his own horrified face.

"This will be the last form you ever take!"


"Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it!"

Using the last of her willpower, Pacifica yanked the lever downward, collapsing to the ground as the objects of the Lumberjack's obsession began their slow, overdramatic movement.

"Yes, it's happening!" The specter once known as Archibald Corduroy bellowed jubilantly as the grand gates finally opened after 150 long years. "My heart, once as hard as oak, now grows soft like...more of a birch or something." Smiling in triumph, the ghost raised his arms to lift his forest curse.

Nothing happened.

He tried again, this time snapping his fingers for emphasis. The statues stayed statues..

"Why isn't this working?" Archibald thought as he once again willed his power to disperse. "You are my creepy cursed statues, and you will obey me!" As he glared at his deathly forest, his eyes fell on the Northwest's needlessly expensive grandfather clock.

"Oh no…."

"What's the big idea?' Pacifica demanded as she struggled to her feet, "You said you'd change everyone back!"

The ghost looked sadly at the confused young heiress.

"You broke the chain, you helped me heal." He intoned somberly, gesturing to the clock.

"But midnight has struck. Their fate...is sealed."

"What? No. Stop rhyming and fix this!" Pacifica insisted. "There has to be something you can do!"

"I cannot." Archibald replied, "The laws of magic are very specific. For some reason the time limit is always midnight!" The spirit had the decency to look ashamed. "I'm sorry Pacifica. You aren't like the others, you didn't deserve this."

With that, he vanished, leaving Pacifica staring despondently into Dipper's dead wooden eyes.


The worst part, Pacifica decided, was her parents. It hadn't been 2 hours since the disaster, and her father had already activated the Northwest PR machine, ordering newspapers to paint the attack as a "freak sewer gas accident." Meanwhile, her mother, before remembering Pacifica was supposed to be being punished, suggested "A nice new CyPhone to get your mind off of this...unpleasantness."

That night, as she lay in her room at the Hôtel des Bourgeois, cursing herself more violently than any ghost could dream of, she heard her father's voice from the next room.

"No, no no! Don't you understand? I need the removal crew there tomorrow! I refuse to let this setback keep us away from our rightful home any longer. I can't stand living in this squalor!"

"Removal crew? He's going to-" Pacifica felt nauseous. In her mind's eye flashed image after image of Dipper being carted off by men in hard hats, hacked to pieces with a chainsaw, torched to nothing with a flamethrower, crushed under a bulldozer…

Shuddering, she hugged Dipper's journal to her chest. Then in a sudden burst of anger, she hurled it to the floor.

"Where were you when he died, huh? Isn't there some kind of magic that could have saved him?"

Great, now she was talking to a book.

Ashamed of her tantrum, she crawled out of bed to recover her tragic keepsake. As she turned it over, she did a double take at the page it had landed on.

UPDATE! TIME TRAVEL ACTUALLY IS REAL!

Not only had she been talking to a book, it had answered.

Chapter 2: Replay the tape

Chapter Text

"First ghosts are real, and now time travel? What's next, Tiny Tim?"

Just like Preston had ordered, the cleanup crew arrived the following day, and the billionaire soon insisted on checking their progress. Pacifica didn't particularly want to watch a bunch of burly contractors trample through her family home, but she knew a plan as insane as this one could only work in Gravity Falls.

She had stayed up all night reading and rereading the journal entry. Time travel was a thing, and if the twins could do it, so could she. She could actually go back to that night, do things differently. She could save everyone, save Dipper.

She just had to find a Time Tape.

As soon as her father was busy with the lead contractor, Pacifica walked to the manor gates. The wreckage was as good a place as any, but she would probably have to search for hours (and possibly kill someone important) to get her hands on a-

Zap!

A blue ball of lightning tore into existence inches away from Pacifica's face. She ducked as it threw anomalous energy in all directions, before losing energy and clattering to the ground.

Cautiously, Pacifica picked up the object. It looked like a tape measure, except for the glowing sideways hourglass emblazoned on one side.

"No way…"

The device was an exact match for the drawing in the journal. Either the Pines' mystery magnet had rubbed off on her, or this was fate.

Doing some quick mental math, Pacifica pulled the tape out to 15 hours, took a deep breath, and let it retract.

"Hang on Dipper, I'm coming."


Pacifica materialized in exactly the same spot she had just left, but now the sky was pitch black. Almost in response to her unspoken question, a newspaper ad blew into her face.

August 24, 2005. The date read.

"It worked!."

"Yes! Vengeance!" Bellowed a familiar deep voice. Pacifica looked up to see Archibald Corduroy flying at top speed towards the mansion.

"Good thing Sergei made me do speed drills."

Pacifica took off running towards the nearest open window. She was so focused on getting to the lever, she didn't notice the time tape's tiny status screen was displaying an error.

Self sustaining fuel cell damaged. Reserve power activated

16 jumps remaining.


Pacifica burst into the main room just as the ghost started his creepy rhyming. She made a beeline for the lever...and ran straight into Dipper.

"Pacifica?" Dipper groaned as he rubbed his head. Then his eyes widened. "Pacifica! You gotta-"

"Open the gates, I know." The girl interrupted. "Cover me!"

With that, she took off, dragging a flabbergasted Dipper behind her. In less than a minute, they had fought off the possessed taxidermy, dodged the flying furniture, and reached the main control lever.

"Hey ghost!" Pacifica called. "Northwest, gates, open!" She yanked the lever down before her dad could even lift the trapdoor.

"I...I don't believe it! You actually did the right thing!" Archibald stammered, "My rage is quelled, soul reimbursed. The fear is over, I lift my curse!"

…..

"I said, I lift my curse!"

"No...no!" Pacifica turned in a panic, but it was too late.

Dipper had turned to solid oak, face frozen in the exact same scream as before.

 

Chapter 3: A situation

Chapter Text

Time Paradox Enforcement Squadron HQ. Year 20 7012.

The job of a time monitor is a constantly thankless one, but those in the profession take pride in it. Sure, it's not as glamorous as the actual time travellers, but it took skill. A time monitor had to be constantly vigilant, ever present, watching every second for any deviations from the approved timeline. There's an old saying among this grand corps: "A time monitor never sleeps."

"Johnson! Wake up!"

"GAH! I'm up, I'm up!" The time monitor in question, David Asbestos Johnson, snapped to attention. "Have we got any blips?'

"I'll say!" His as yet unnamed coworker replied. "Time Tape S2E10-618 just came back online!"

"What? We lost contact with that agent in 1855! It's gotta be a glitch!"

"It is no glitch." Came a deep booming voice. With a flash of temporal energy, Time Baby materialized behind the two agents. It was his first visit to the monitoring department in over a decade. "Someone has stolen that tape! Get me our top agent immediately!"

"Uh, sir?" piped up the unpaid intern, "Our top agent is on assignment with the Hitler Assasination Initiative."

"Get me Lolph and Dundgren then!"

"They've been hospitalized sir. Malfunctioning DigiCod, not pretty."

Time Baby scowled. "Is anyone available?"

"Only one agent is on duty sir."

"Oh no…."


"I don't understand, that should have worked!" Pacifica thought as her parents checked into their hotel room exactly the way they had the first time around. "That old clock has never been wrong!"

"Move it clerk!" Her father shouted at the man behind the desk. "We're losing daylight!"

"It's night sir."

"Don't argue with me!"

"Daylight! Of course!" Realization hit Pacifica like a ton of bricks. "The curse must have been cast during DST! It figures that stupid peasant ghost can't do math!"

If the curse had been cast during Daylight Savings Time, then Pacifica would have to lift it an hour earlier. That meant she just needed to-

"Oh no."


Knock knock.

"I need your help."

Chapter 4: Take 3

Chapter Text

"I need your help."

"You're the worst."

*SLAM*

Ok, that still stung. Pacifica thought back to later that day, reminding herself that Dipper would later show confidence in her ability to change.

And five seconds later, he would die.

"Shut up, me!" Pacifica scolded herself as she knocked again.

"You think it's easy for me to come here? I don't want to be seen at this hovel! But something is haunting Northwest Manor. If you don't help me, the party could be ruined!"

"And why should I trust you?" Dipper said skeptically, exactly the same way he had before. "All you've ever done is try to humiliate me and Mabel."

"Well how would Mabel like three tickets to the world's greatest party?"


"Why are we sneaking through the window again?"

"Because, my parents don't know about the ghost, so they can't know you're here!" Pacifica had recruited Dipper an hour earlier, so that by the time Archibald launched his attack, she would still be in range to stop the curse. She had not informed Preston & Priscilla of this, and with any luck, she wouldn't have to. "You get in, get rid of it, get out."

"Pacifica Northwest, going against her perfect parents? Remind me to build Waddles a runway when I get home."


"Do you understand the mission Mr. Blandin?"

"Sir yes sir! I am to locate the unauthorized time traveller, recover the missing tape, and if necessary, submit the rogue to the time-authorities!"

"This is your first mission since your reinstatement." Time Baby thundered. "A chance to prove yourself. Do NOT Blendin this up or it will be time-sheep duty for the next 10,000 observable years!"

"Wait, 'Blendin it up?' Is that a thing people are saying?'"

"GO!"

"Yes sir!" With that, Time Anomaly Removal Agent Blendin Blandin activated his trusty time tape, and warped heroically back to the last Northwest Fest.

"AHH! My brand new hair!"


"This is the main room where it's been happening." Pacifica recited. Predictably, Dipper pulled out his book and started rambling about categories, floating plates, and her hair. She shuddered, remembering how wrong he'd been about the ghost's power. "Thirty minutes." She reminded herself, "Thirty minutes and it will all be over."

"It would be over a lot quicker if you told him the truth about the curse." her conscience needled her.

She pushed the thought away. If she tried to open the gates now, there'd be no telling what her parents would do to stop her. Plus, technically the party hadn't started yet, so it probably wouldn't count.

"Right, and the fact that you're scared of how he'll react has nothing to do with it."

"Uh, Pacifica?" Dipper spoke up, pointing to the now empty painting, prompting Pacifica to step back from the mounted deer heads.

"Here we go again."


"Stop! We can't go in there!"

Just as she had 12 hours ago, Pacifica grabbed Dipper by his collar and dragged him back from the white room. "If you track any mud in there, my parents will realize I snuck you in!"

"Why are you so afraid of your- wait…" Dipper realized, "If your parents don't know I'm helping you, how is Mabel supposed to go to the party?'

"Uh-"

"You weren't actually going to let her come, were you?" Dipper glared at her with an intensity he wasn't supposed to exhibit until 12:50 that night.

"Dipper-"

"Aaagh! I can't believe I actually trusted you! All anyone in your family ever does is lie and cheat and-"

"Found you!" The ghost said darkly as he lifted the boy into the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

In the blink of an eye, it was over. Dipper Pines clattered to the ground, a lifeless statue once more.

"Now that the boy is out of the way, my revenge shall have its day!" Archibald recited as Pacifica ran blindly for the gates. Praying to whatever weird lizard god probably ran this insane town, Pacifica pulled the lever, throwing invitations at the waiting townspeople for good measure. The cheering started just as the clock struck 10:09.

Dipper remained motionless.


"I've got you now!" Blendin said triumphantly. He made it to the manor property just as the flash of light signalled the culprit's departure.

"Oh, give me a time-break!"

Chapter 5: Solo Act

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

On the night of the 150th Northwest Fest, Pacifica entered the taxidermy room armed with a silver mirror, a borrowed journal, and a conspicuous lack of Dipper Pines.

She had been about to knock on the door, trying desperately not to imagine how things would go horribly wrong this time, when it hit her: She had the Journal. She had seen Dipper capture the ghost, and she knew what it wanted.

She didn't need him. He didn't need to get involved.

And so, after concocting a cover story to keep her parents off her back, our unlikely hero turned to go home for her first (and hopefully only) solo ghost hunt.

That was when she heard laughter. A quick look through the window confirmed her suspicions: that insufferable little weirdo, Candy, was telling Dipper a joke, and he was laughing at it.

He had laughed like that with her, once.

"It's not fair." She complained to herself as she prepped her trap. "What has she got that I don't? Bad eyesight? Forks on her fingers? Nerd trivia?"

She didn't bully his sister, for one thing.

"That was a rhetorical question!" Shaking herself, Pacifica tried to focus on the task at hand, but she couldn't get the image of Dipper and Candy out of her head. She imagined that they were laughing at their mutual enemy, a stuck up, bratty blonde who was so spoiled she didn't even know what sharing meant.

"Why does that hurt so much? Why do I care what he thinks of me?"

"Ancient Sins….Ancient Sins…"

The eerie droning of the possessed deer heads jolted Pacifica back to the present. Just as before, the fire grew to an inferno, and a disturbingly detailed human skeleton dragged itself out of the blaze, ghostly flesh slowly materializing as it stood up until it became the spitting image of the man in the painting.

This time though, Pacifica was ready. The second the ghost lunged at her, she braced herself and thrusted the silver mirror forward. With a flash of light and a concussive force that knocked Pacifica a good foot backward, the ghost vanished.

"NO!" Archibald bellowed, his volume a great deal lesser now that he was trapped in a vanity item. "Let me out! I didn't even finish my entrance!"

Cautiously, Pacifica retrieved the mirror, wrapping her hand in her dress because hello, the ghost was on fire.

"You!" The lumberjack snarled as he saw Pacifica. "Release me Northwest! Release me that I may tear you limb from limb!"

"Wow, tempting." Pacifica drawled in full on valley girl mode. "Counteroffer, I open the gates, and you go away."

"LIES!" Archibald roared. "All your family ever does is lie! I'd sooner be destroyed then trust one of your blood!"

"I'm not my family." Pacifica snapped as she pulled out the journal. "But fine, have it your way. Spookus, scarus, aintafraidofnoghostus-"

"Fine!" Archibald interrupted. "We'll call a truce, but you had better keep your word." He paused. "Can I get a little bit of revenge first?"

"Well, I do need a distraction…"


"Come back here spook! That commemorative Art Bigotti plate is priceless!"

"This is humiliating." Archibald thought as he led Preston through yet another pointlessly ornate hallway. The girl had made him swear not to harm anyone through magic or otherwise, so he was stuck pulling pranks like a lowly category 2. "Well, revenge is revenge I suppose."

"No! Not the lace curtains, you'll get ectoplasm all over them!"


"Here we go." Pacifica gripped the lever, hand trembling. This was it, all she had to do was open the gates to the townspeople and the nightmare would be over.

But, did she have to?

Not for the first time, Pacifica remembered that she had a time machine and the foreknowledge to use it. She could just go back, exorcise the ghost instead of bargaining with it, and go on with her life. The party wouldn't be ruined, the guests and Dipper would be safe, and her parents wouldn't disown her...or worse.

"Why are you so afraid of your parents?" Dipper's voice rang in her head.

"I don't have to be," She replied, "I can be better than them."

"Attention everyone!" Pacifica shouted in her practiced speech voice, tapping a spoon on a glass to get the guests' attention. "150 years ago today, the lumber….people of this town built this mansion for my great grandfather. In return, they were promised invitations to the Northwest's grand annual ball. This promise has still not been fulfilled."

"Pacifica!" Preston and his trophy wife burst into the ballroom, clothes torn and covered in what looked to be vintage wine. "What the devil are you doing?"

"It's not too late." Pacifica reminded herself.

"Today, I'm going to right that wrong." She continued, raising her glass. "I propose a toast, to Gravity Falls!"

*Clank!* * whirrrr*

"Thank you, Pacifica Northwest." Archibald whispered as he faded. "Thank you."

*SMASH!*

"My plate!"


Pacifica stood by the appetizer table, taking in the chaos, the wonderful, non wooden, living chaos. She had done it. Sure, her parents still had murder in her eyes, and McGucket kept trying to take down the tapestries, but everyone was alive, and Pacifica Elise Northwest had saved them. More importantly, she had proven, once and for all, that she was more than another link in the world's worst chain.

"Not too bad for a walking stereotype." She imagined Mabel would say.

As she reached for another canape', she noticed what she was standing on: a section of the silver white carpet she had so vehemently protected earlier.

She was on the carpet.

And her shoes were filthy.

Giggling, she gave the floor an experimental kick. If Dipper were here, she thought, he would go all out, dumping everything he could find on this stupid rug. He would gladly waste all of this food, just to stick it to her parents.

"There I go again!" She scolded herself as her mind once again wandered to the Pines boy.. "Why do I actually miss that dork?"

"Because he doesn't believe in just anyone the way Mabel does, but he believed in me." She answered herself. "He saw me at my worst, and he still believed I could change. Because he's the only one who can keep up with my sarcasm, and the only one who isn't afraid to tell me the truth. If things had gone differently, maybe we could have been friends."

Maybe she could invite him to the party. That wouldn't be weird, right? Everyone else was here, plus he'd love to ramble on about the ghost for hours.. Yeah! That would work.

Before she could hesitate a moment longer, she walked away from the ruined carpet, past a very confused McGucket, and out the door.

"I don't understand." McGucket muttered as he refreshed the portal tracker program a third time. "Why would it just shut off?"


Of all the things Pacifica had expected to see at the Mystery Shack, this wasn't it.

A fire truck, an ambulance and Gravity Falls' only cop car were all parked on the front lawn, along with several government issued Humvees. The Shack's two employees were holding each other and sobbing, and Stan?

Stan was being dragged into a paddywagon by two familiar looking feds, screaming his throat raw.

"NO! No, let me go- have to save him! I have to SAVE HIM! That machine won't take him too!"

"Sir, I'm sorry, he's already gone."

"NO!" Stan punched the agent in the face, only to be tackled by three more. "He's not dead, he can't be! I CAN'T LOSE ANY MORE FAMILY!"

"No." Pacifica ran forward, dodging paramedics and men in black, heading for a stretcher in the middle of the scene. She could already hear snippets of the conversation:

("Massive frostbite damage, consistent with liquid nitrogen. Why would an old con-man like this even have that?"

"That information is above your pay grade. Hey Jeff, what are we gonna do about the fat guy? He's seen way too much."

"Poor kid, didn't even have his first kiss yet.")

"Nonononononono."

Pacifica pushed past the guards and made it to the stretcher.

"No."

She looked down.

"NO!"

On the stretcher, pale as death, covered in a ghastly human version of freezer burn, and with his limbs locked into that horrible pose of sheer terror, was Dipper.

 

Notes:

WHAT, YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE HAPPY ENDING? NAH, POOR LLAMA'S STILL GOT LOTS OF AWFUL THINGS TO SEE.

LOTS OF THINGS

I figured that Stan would probably check the portal while Dipper was out busting ghosts. Of course, today had to be the day he left the vending machine ajar. Since Dipper stayed at home in this timeline, he found the lab, tried to shut down the portal, and promptly got doused with a gallon of supercooled nitrogen. That's Karma for you.

I know it's a bit contrived, but in a world where the laws of physics can conspire to ruin your date, I figure this isn't too far fetched.

Chapter 6: Enter Blendin

Chapter Text

Pacifica ran.

She didn't know where she was running, all she knew was that she had to get away from the disaster at the Mystery Shack, away from Dipper's shattered family, away from what had to be the worst timeline yet.

That, and she was pretty sure someone was following her.

She had first noticed him outside of Greasy's diner, nothing more than a silhouette and a blur of movement. As she kept moving, she caught more and more glimpses of the stalker: Goggles, a bald head, an unflattering gray tracksuit….oh no.

Thus began a stalker chase straight out of a horror movie. Pacifica would double back, take random turns, duck into alleyways, even dive into the disgustingly public pool, but somehow this Blendin guy knew her every move!

"Duh, of course he does! He's from the future! But he's not the only time traveller here."

Pacifica readied her tape.

"Stop in the name of the-AAAH! My Eyes!"

And also her pepper spray.


"Alright Blar-Blar, what do you want?"

"My name is Blendin." The baby-man in question corrected, struggling against his makeshift bonds."I'm an agent with the Time Paradox Correction Squadron, and you have been charged with illegal resets, time machine theft, unauthorized stable time loop creation, and several counts of illegal quotations!" I am under orders to confiscate your faulty time tape and-"

"Yeah, I don't care about-wait, faulty?" Pacifica pulled out the tape in question. "Reserve power draining, " its output screen read in flashing red text. "14 jumps remaining."

"Look," Blendin started. "Against all the odds, you managed to create a good thing here. You stood up to your parents, all the important rich people are still alive, and the chance of an apocalypse is down to zero! Are you really gonna risk messing that up for one kid?"

"Yes, yes I am."

Zap

"Arrgh! You did it again! I'll find you!"

Chapter 7: The Obligatory Montage

Chapter Text

"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


"This way!" Pacifica yelled, diverting Dipper into the hidden room, and handily avoiding both the ghost and Blendin.

"Good call," Dipper said, standing directly in front of a sheet covered painting.

"Look out!"

*CRACK* Went Dipper's neck.


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


"Stay." Pacifica said firmly as she shoved Dipper into the panic room. "Try to find another weakness. I want to try something."

"Found you! By the authority of Time Baby I am authorized to place you under-OOF!" Pacifica interrupted Blendin with an elbow to the gut and sprinted the rest of the way to the gates.

The first one inside was "Manly" Dan Courduroy, which felt right in a way Pacifica couldn't describe.

At least, it did until he body-slammed the decorative column the ghost had damaged earlier, sending it falling right through the trapdoor where Dipper was hiding.


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."

"We need to move now!" Pacifica yanked Dipper out of the room the second the heads started bleeding. She had to reach the gates, she just had to reach the gates before-

She tripped over an errant piece of furniture, taking Dipper down with her. Within moments, the cursed taxidermy was all over him.


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


"Where do you even get this much silver?" Dipper asked as he hung the last of their traps.

"Heck if I know. Maybe these peacocks are actually reject geese?"

Dipper's eyes widened. "Did my ears deceive me? Or did Pacifica Northwest just tell a non insulting joke?"

"You don't know everything about me."

"Apparently not." He said, offering her a small smile. For that one moment, everything was perfect.

"Look out! Axe!"

And then that moment ended.


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


"The ghost can control trees?" Dipper said incredulously, just before said tree impaled him.

"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


Dipper screamed as he died.

"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


Dipper screamed as he died.

"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


Dipper screamed as he died.

"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


"Why


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


Isn't


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


This


"I need your help."

"You're the worst."


Working?"


"You're the-" Dipper stopped as Pacifica grabbed his shoulders.

"I need you to come with me Dipper, please."

Chapter 8: Breakdown

Chapter Text

Pacifica Northwest had a plan.

After hurriedly dialing back the intensity of her request, and offering the standard fare of three party tickets, she spent the walk to the manor going over the pitfalls she'd discovered and working out how to counteract them.

"Step 1: Dipper dies if he stays at home, so I need to get him to the manor."

"Ugh, it feels like this collar is strangling me!" Dipper complained, just as he had every time.

"Check."

"Step 2: Let Dipper catch the ghost in the mirror. Any other scenario leads to his death."

"Leaving already? You're at the world's best party, dummy!" Stay and have some fun!"

"I'd love to, but I've got a category 10 ghost to dispose of." Just as before, he walked into a decorative pillar. "Ow! ….Category 10."

"I'll explain everything to him once the ghost is gone." Pacifica promised herself.

"Step 3: While the ghost is giving Dipper his 'tragic backstory' or whatever, sneak away and open the gates."

"Mother, Father. That reporter Todd Ming was looking for you. He wanted to write a piece on great grandfather Nathaniel."

"Works every time... so far."

Within minutes, Pacifica had arrived at the main gates. "This time will work." She thought, "Because I don't know what I'm gonna do if it doesn't-no. Now is not the time for dramatic mental speeches."

Her hand reached out.

She gripped the lever.

*ZAP!*

Pacifica collapsed, agony in every nerve. Above her loomed the one and only Blendin Blandin, flanked by two burly bodyguards.

"Yes! That stun gun is just as cool as they said it would be!" The pudgy man cleared his throat. "I mean, Pacifica Elise Northwest, you are accused of 15 counts of illegal time travel, as well as resisting arrest, and punching me in the gut! You are to be transported to the Infinitentiary for interrogation and memory modification."

"Nope." Forcing through the numbness in her limbs, Pacifica double kicked Blendin in the face, and ran like heck. Quickly, she weaved through the confused partygoers, bursting into her room, throwing open the window and booking it off the property. She'd get to the bottom of the hill, then she'd-

*Thud.*

Rubbing her head, Pacifica found herself face to face with the person she both most wanted to avoid and most desperately wanted to see: Dipper Pines.

"YOU! I trusted you! I actually thought you were better than your parents, when all you are is another link in the-"

"Dipper, now is not the time! We have to-"

"What is wrong with you?" Dipper snapped, eyes filled with anger and betrayal, "You lied to me, used me, when all you had to do was open the-"

"I DID!"

Dipper stopped mid rant. "What?"

"I did open the gates." Pacifica repeated, "I've opened them 15 times."

Hands trembling, she pulled the time tape from behind her back. "You died the first time this happened Dipper, and you've died every time since then! I tried breaking the curse earlier, I tried leaving you at home, I tried stealing every mirror in the house for a dozen booby traps! No matter what I do, it always ends the same way." Her voice broke. "I have watched you die 15 times."

Dipper was at a loss for words.

"You don't believe me?!" Pacifica said incredulously, "Was the freaking time machine in my hand not proof enough? Ugh, forget it! I'll save your life with or without your help you, you-"

"No, I believe you! And I think I know what's going on..."

Chapter 9: Meet The Hillbilly

Chapter Text

"That's what you're calling it? Seriously?"

"Hey, Mabel named it, not me."

"Like you could do any better, nerd."

Dipper laughed suddenly. "Sorry, it's just, I can't get over you not totally hating me."

"Yeah, well we've been through a lot tonight." Pacifica coughed awkwardly. "Where are we going again?"

"From what you've described, the ghost doesn't know how to handle his magic. The journal doesn't say anything about spectral curses, but I know a guy."

"Who goes there?" Came a voice from inside the junkyard hut. "Friend, foe or impossibly handsome clone-boy?"

"You've got to be kidding me."


"Dipper, come in!" McGucket said happily. "I've almost finished the laptop, and I just remembered seein' these adorable little-Oh! Who's your friend?"

"The laptop can wait." Dipper gestured to Pacifica, who was currently being harassed by McGucket's raccoon wife. "Pacifica's been cursed. Time-cursed."

"It still sounds dumb."

"I always figured time travel was possible." McGucket said as he examined the tape measure. "But I never thought it was a good-hey, is it supposed to be beeping like that?"

"What?" Pacifica grabbed the device. Power Critical. The screen read, 1 jump remaining. "I only have one more try?!"

"Don't panic." Dipper said seriously. "We'll just have to make it count. The key to breaking a time curse is finding the exact set of circumstances for the optimal timeline. Our chances are literally one in a million, so we need to consider all the variables."

McGucket dramatically adjusted his goggles. "I'll get my chalkboard."


Three hours and several math equations later, they were back at square one.

"The numbers don't lie." McGucket said after finishing his fifth answer check. "Every time you try to get ahead of the attack, something kills Dipper. Yer best bet is the original timeline."

" I already tried that!" Pacifica insisted. "No matter how early I open the gates, the ghost claims I've missed the stupid deadline! I don't know what any of this math means, but I'm still not seeing our moonshot!"

"Moonshot!" McGucket repeated. "By gumitty miss Northwest, you've solved it!"

"..."

"This feller's magic must run on the lunar calendar!" McGucket explained, "By that measurement, the one hundred fifty year deadline was up…." He scribbled some more.

"7 years ago." Dipper finished. "You can't break the curse during the 150th annual Northwest Fest, you have to go back to the 143rd!"

"Go back 7 years? What if I get seen? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Why not?" Dipper assured her. "You've already done the impossible."

What happened next was a perfectly normal response, all things considered. Dipper was one of the only people who had ever been genuine with Pacifica, so when he gave her a compliment, it was just about the nicest thing anyone had ever said to her. Add that to at least 10 hours of subjective time without sleeping, and the sheer joy of finding a way to beat her fate, and it's only natural that Pacifica acted on her first impulse.

"I could kiss him right now!" She thought, and so she did.

Unfortunately, the force of her impromptu makeout session thrusted Dipper against the wall, and knocked the fragile silver mirror out of his pocket.

"How DARE you?" Archibald roared. "You would conspire against me, even after I shared my pain? You would accept the seduction of this witch?! You are a traitor to this entire town, Dipper Pines, and for that you will PAY!"

"Pacifica!" Dipper threw her the time tape just as his flesh began to harden. "It's up to you now! RUN!"

And run she did, barely looking back even as the junkyard hut, and Dipper, went up in flames.


"Seven years, come on, where's 7 years ago?" Pacifica fumbled with the Time Tape as she fought off images of the boy she had just kissed burning to ash. "I only have one more shot!"

*Flash!*

"What?" Pacifica blinked spots out of her eyes, finding herself in a blank white void. "I didn't warp!"

"No." Came a deep voice. "I did."

An immaculately hidden door opened in the wall, revealing what seemed to be a gigantic floating baby. The time tape logo glowed in the center of his forehead.

"Do you have any idea how many rules you've broken?" Demanded Time Baby.

Chapter 10: Time Trial

Chapter Text

"So Blendin's boss is a giant baby? That explains a lot."

As the baby in question slammed his fist, the void around them transformed into a futuristic courtroom. Several spectators watched from floating pods.

"Pacifica Elise Northwest." Time Baby began. "You stand accused of 15 counts of illegal do-overs, the latest of which resulted in the near total destruction of Gravity Falls!"

Holoscreens blinked to life around the massive baby, showing several buildings in ruins. Lazy Susan was crying over the remains of her diner, Toby Determined was burying the ashes of his Shandra Jimenez cutout, and worst of all, Mabel was recovering a charred sweater from what was left of the Mystery Shack.

"Your actions are a blatant violation of article CHARA-17 of the Interplanetary Time Travel Accords. How do you plead?"

Pacifica felt her blood boiling. She may have been through a shocking amount of character development in the past 24 hours, but she was still a Northwest, and if there's one thing she knew, it was verbal putdowns. She felt like putting that skill to work

"Well maybe I wouldn't have to break your dumb rules if any of you would actually do your job! People died that day, and you had the power to stop it, and you did nothing!"

"Would you have done anything, if not for the boy?"

Pacifica was at a loss for words. Would she have cared about the partygoers if Dipper hadn't been among them? Could she have stood up to her parents without him? Would she have wanted to?

She didn't know, and that was why she needed him.

"Do you think I'm going to stop?" She demanded. "You think I'm gonna beg for mercy from a literal baby? I am Pacifica Elise Northwest, and nobody tells me what to do!"

Except your parents.

"Shut up, me!"

"I think we've heard enough." Time Baby thundered. "I sentence you to three consecutive life sentences in the Infinitentiary!"

"Wait, don't I get a lawyer?"

"Those were abolished centuries ago!"


"This cannot be legal, I'm not 18 yet! Then again, neither was the Gleeful kid."

Pacifica wasn't sure how long she had been in solitary (Time is meaningless here, said one guard when she asked), but every second she spent in this cell was another second spent reliving everything she had seen. There weren't any options for escape inside the cell, so she resorted to another tried and true Northwest tradition.

"Hey...Zenith, was it? Which do you think is more valuable. One underage prisoner, or 1000 dollars?"

"Nice try, but your primitive paper money is no good here." Replied the guard.

"Credit Card?"

"Expired centuries ago,"

"Diamond earrings?"

"Diamonds are illegal. They're choking hazards."

"All I have left is this...pistachio nut."

"Pistachio!?" Zenith's excessively large eyebrows shot up. "Those went extinct centuries ago! If I could cultivate my own crop, I'd be a national hero! What do you want?"

"Out of this cell, my time tape, and an escape route."

"You've got a deal!" Zenith said, quickly unlocking her cell door. "I know of one way out. Listen closely…"

"Sucker." Pacifica thought to herself as the guard briefed her. "That nut's been roasted."


Your time tape will be in the evidence locker in the staff room. There's always at least one guard in there, so you'll have to start a prison riot or something.

Pacifica made her way to the center of the lunch crowd. "Several Timez is overrated!"

"WHAT?! Who said that? I'll kill you!" Yelled a burly redheaded man with a robotic arm. "I'll kill you!"

The door to the staffroom is locked. You'll need a keycard.

"How about yours?"

"Oh. OK."

Finally, there's a time travel suppression field around the prison. You'll need to get outside the building to warp, and the only way out is-

"You've got to be kidding me!"

Steeling herself, Pacifica jumped down the trash chute. What followed was a probably literal eternity of pitch black, slimy, horrifically smelling tunnelwork. Just as she was about to scream and/or vomit, she was spat out onto an asteroid just above a massive landfill.

"I am never going through any secret tunnels again."

Pacifica took a deep breath. She could do this. She had a time tape, she had a plan-

"Stop right there! OWW!"

And she also had a stun gun.

"You won't get away with this!" Lolph yelled. "Time Baby has agents at every Northwest Fest for the past 150 years! Your time-joyride is over!"

"All this to stop me from saving one kid? Does Dipper become Hitler in the future? And more importantly, what do I do now?"

The only thing you can do, her mind answered, in the form of a quote from a TV show she would never admit to watching. Go back, to where it all began.

She set the time tape.

Chapter 11: Burn

Chapter Text

It wasn't until a newspaper blew in her face that Pacifica realized she'd gone back a day early.

Good. That meant she had more time to come up with an actual plan.

Gravity Falls in the 1850s wasn't that much different from the one she remembered. There was the weird farmer guy's ancestor on the hunt for witches, and a dead ringer for Tyler Cutebiker was betting on a hog fight. And just off the hill sat a...herd? Gaggle? Forest?-

A group of lumberjacks who's leader looked very familiar.

"I've got to get onto the construction site." Pacifica thought. "Alright, be casual."

"Wat'cha doin'"

"Not that casual!"

"Oh, hello little girl." Archibald said, somewhat confused. "I don't think I've seen you in town before."

"Oh, I'm just visiting." "Technically not a lie, actually." "This construction site sure looks interesting. I always kind of wanted to be a lumber worker."

"Totally a lie."

"Well, I suppose I could give you a tour, just don't tell your uncle."

"Wha-I…"

"Oh come on, it's obvious you're related to him. Frankly I'm surprised he let you out of the house."


"And here we are." Archibald bellowed, sounding like a game show host despite those not being invented yet. "The finest mansion wood can create, and your future home, Northwest Manor!"

"It's taken years of backbreaking labor, but by tomorrow, the mansion will be complete, and we'll all receive first class tickets to the world's greatest party!"

It's not really possible to describe the sound of 30ish extremely athletic men cheering in anticipation of a night they will never see. You kind of have to be there.

"I heard they have an entire fountain made of cider!"

"I heard there's a live quail in every gift bag!"

"I probably won't even be able to pronounce half of the food I'll eat there!"

"Uh, about the party." Pacifica confided in her tour guide. "My uncle is kind of a tool. I doubt he'll let anyone but his rich friends past the front gates."

"A contract is a contract." Archibald insisted. "Nathanial may be standoffish, but he wouldn't risk alienating his entire workforce! Believe me, there is nothing scarier than an angry lumberjack."

"Oh, I believe it."


Pacifica didn't get much sleep that night, and not for the reasons she would have hoped.

She had spent the entire day trying to convince Archibald to give up on the party, to get himself and his coworkers somewhere safe before the flood hit. But apparently, short of literally screaming the truth at him mid rainstorm, there was nothing she could do to sway him.

Nothing except-

No. No way. That was unquestionably the worst plan in the history of stupid plans. It was reckless, dangerous, completely overkill-

And exactly what the Pines would probably do.

"Dangit."


It was shockingly easy to break out of her chintzy inn room. It was even more easy to climb over the still unfinished fence of Northwest manor. The hard part was making a fire.

"Lighters haven't been invented yet, that rock trick has literally never worked once-aha!

Apparently one of the workers had been careless with his matches and, this being the 1800s there was plenty of kerosene on site for the lanterns.

The fact that Pacifica didn't have second thoughts until after she had doused most of the manor roof in kerosene probably said something about her commitment.

Or your complete insanity! Her increasingly vocal brain spoke up. "You don't know what your life will be like without the manor. You don't even know if you'll still exist!

"Shut up, me." Pacifica thought one last time as she scaled the dangerously flimsy ladder, makeshift torch in hand. She didn't know if this would permanently destroy her home, or simply delay it's completion and buy her some time, but she was certain this was the moonshot she had been looking for, probably because she was no longer fighting fate.

After all, fate had decreed that Northwest Manor would burn.

Abruptly, Pacifica realized she had reached the roof. At her feet was a very familiar looking tape measure.

"No way."

A quick inspection revealed that the ID number on the two tapes was identical.

Understanding flashed through Pacifica's brain in that peculiar way that only time travellers can experience. Thinking quickly, she threw her torch as far as she could, watching as the far section of roof caught fire. Then, blindly pulling at the time tape, she jumped.

Chapter 12: Epilouge

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

This was bad, Blendin decided. Really bad.

The TPAS phones had been ringing off the hook, Time Spies throughout history called in with panicked damage reports, all leading back to one event: The destruction of Northwest Manor almost 150 years ahead of schedule.

According to history, no one had ever found the culprit, for this was a time before DNA testing, and the only indication that there had been an arson was the missing kerosene and a discarded torch. Fingers were pointed at Archibald Corduroy (he seemed like the type of man who could light a fire with nothing but a glare), but nothing was ever proven, and he would die 7 years later, outside the gates of the rebuilt mansion.

7 years later than he was supposed to. All thanks to one surprisingly tough preteen with a time tape.

"Why is it always kids?" Blendin complained to himself as he entered Time Baby's throne room.

"Blendin Blandin of the Time Paradox Avoidance Squadron, what is the one thing I told you not to do?"

"Blendin this mission up?"

"And what did you do?"

"Blendin the mission up."

"That is the understatement of the century!" Time Baby shouted. More stupid holoscreens materialized around the omnipotent infant, showcasing the drastically altered timeline.

"Because of your inability to apprehend a single spoiled girl, Northwest Industries did not sell off the land affected by the Great Flood for another 7 years! Thus, Stanford could not build his house there, and now the entire Pines family is in jeopardy! You had better have a solution, or the Infinitentiary will be the least of your worries!"

"Well….what if we move Stanford's birth ahead seven years?"

"That would require a readjustment of the entire family! An alteration of that caliber is impossible without a….Time Wish." Time Baby coughed awkwardly as he remembered he was the one who granted Time Wishes. "Congratulations Blendin." Time Baby said sarcastically as the recorded date for the twin's summer spun forward to 2012. "You have now had exactly one good idea."


"No, nonono! Someone help, someone HEEEEELP!"

To say Pacifica Northwest was panicked was an understatement. Instead of the chaotic time warp or painful landing she was expecting, she had found herself back in the hidden room, just as Dipper had run to stop the ghost. She had tried to warn him, but the stupidly heroic boy was having none of it. And now he was wood again.

Was all her work really for nothing? Was this really how things would always be?

For the first time since she was 5 years old, Pacifica Northwest broke down crying. As she doubled over in grief, her phone (was it always that thin?) fell out of her pocket.

August 10, 2012, read the lock screen.

"What?" She blinked the tears from her eyes, certain she was seeing things.

August 10, 2012.

"That...that's 7 years ahead."

A burst of energy formed in Pacifica's heart, part hope, part relief, and part something she couldn't identify. She didn't know how this was possible, and frankly she didn't care. All that mattered was that for the first time in 17 Northwest Fests, Dipper had been right.

It wasn't too late.

"Hey, ugly!"

Archibald wasn't sure why he didn't just kill the girl on the spot. She was a Northwest after all, and she had already proven herself to be just as bad as her parents.

And yet...when he looked at her now, her face was filled with a heroic resolve he wouldn't have believed someone of her blood could produce. Looking at her, Archibald was reminded of a similar girl he had met 157 years ago, one who, despite the obvious family resemblance to Nathanial, had treated him with respect.

Perhaps he could offer her another chance.

"You wish to prove yourself? Open the grand gates to the town. Fulfill your ancestor's promise!"


"Dingly dingly!" Preston snapped, ringing that awful bell furiously. "Is this bell broken?"

"Our family name is broken, and I'm gonna fix it!"


"Yes, it's happening!" The specter once known as Archibald Corduroy bellowed jubilantly as the grand gates finally opened after 150 long years. "My heart, once as hard as oak, now grows soft like...more of a birch or something." He smiled at the girl who had granted him peace. "Pacifica, you are not like the other Northwests. I feel….lumber...justice."

With that, Archibald Corduroy faded away, and this time his magic faded with him. As Northwest Manor returned to normal, Dipper Pines breathed again.

"You're alive!"

"What the-HRK! Choking! You're choking me!"

For all of five seconds.


Of all the things Dipper expected to wake up to, getting bear-hugged by Pacifica Northwest (again) was not one of them. Dimly, he noted that she smelled nice, like champagne and flowers.

"You're alive." Pacifica repeated breathlessly.

"Y-yeah. You did it!" Dipper said in between gasps of air. "So I guess...not the worst."

"Is that your idea of an apology?" Pacifica teased.

"I'd like to see you do better."

"Alright." Pacifica's gaze turned serious. "Dipper, I'm very sorry I treated you and your sister so horribly. Honestly, it was because I'm jealous of what good friends you are. I'll do everything I can to make it up to you. For now though, can we….start over?"

"Depends." Dipper deadpanned, "How much cash you got?"

"I'm never living that down, am I?"


"Hey, look what we're standing on."

As the night wound to a close, Pacifica and her unlikely friend (because that's what they were, friends, regardless of what she might have done in another lifetime) destroyed the white rug to their hearts' content. Soon, probably after prying Mabel's friends away from the fondue fountain, he would return to his gross little shack, and Pacifica just knew he would stay up late tonight writing in his dumb journal about the ghost.

"He doesn't know half of what happened tonight." Pacifica thought smugly. Someday, she decided, she would tell him the real story behind the Northwest Mansion Mystery, maybe while they watched Ghost Harassers together, or he bored her to death with his creepy conspiracies, or at Greasy's Diner as they shared ice cream she wasn't allowed to have….

"Uh oh."

 

Notes:

AN: And scene. Now for the really fun part, disclaimers!

I seriously doubt that a 7 year difference in the Great Flood would affect Ford's real estate situation, but I had already scripted that for being the reason Time Baby rebooted everything, and it was too late to change it. Chalk it up to wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

Most of the funniest lines in this fic are funny precisely because they aren't mine. I've hidden at least one in-joke, Gravity Falls or otherwise, in each chapter. Find them all and you win a Time Wish!*

I'd like to thank Alex Hirsch, Matt Braly, and the Gravity Falls fandom for making this fic possible, and for dragging me kicking and screaming back into the writing game

Until the next time I get some crazy plot bunny, this is User724 signing off.

*Time Wish not actually guaranteed.