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“Merely doing my job as a boyfriend, taking you out to celebrate.”
…………………….
“A bar subordinate, really? Isn’t that a little risky?” she whispered.
Lauren couldn’t help herself, she was happy stumbling into that candlelit bar, assassin towing her along.
She looked down, noticing her hand in his- he had held it the whole way to the bar.
Kieran flashed her a small grin, sly, as it usually was, “don’t worry darling we’ll find a dark corner.”
He stopped at the bar, as Lauren found a seat.
“Two shots of rum, and two beers- dark.” Kieran had hardly a second to think after she smiled at him like that- he wanted to preserve it, hold it to memory for a later drawing. The only thing that seemed to nag at him at that moment was to preserve it for as long as he could.
Celebration, it seemed would be a good idea for that.
Kieran had made his way back to her, sitting with his back toward the crowd.
He shagged off his jacket throwing it on the booth near him, he held up a shot, Lauren mimicking him.
He took a large breath, grinning absurdly, “crime is common, logic is rare, a toast to the best, detective Sinclair.”
She nearly choked as she took the shot, the rum burning, “did that rhyme?” she asked incredulously.
Kieran squirmed at the feeling of the alcohol traveling down his throat, “yes I’ve been working on it.” he coughed, turning the shot glass on end.
“Quite the poet,” she feigned dazzlement.
“
I’ll have you know swooning women is my pastime, my poetry is quite effective
.”
“A most obvious lie.” she observed.
“That damned power.” he seethed back.
……………………………..
It was half past midnight, the rest of the patrons were good and drunk, falling over their chairs, shouting inconsistencies at one another.
Kieran and Lauren at certain points in the night opted to watch from a distance chuckling at the antics. She had never seen Kieran smile as much as he did that night, grinning from ear to ear in some instances. It was likely the booze, but she hoped secretly that she herself wasn’t poor company.
“River moon!” shouted one of the patrons from across the bar, “put it on!”
Both of them looked with befuddled expressions.
“River moon?” Kieran asked, “I’ve never heard of it.”
“He’s drunk.” Lauren observed.
“I hadn’t noticed.” Kieran said deadpan.
“River moon!” the man shouted again, “I’m here-” he coughed, “with my love!” The stalky nearly bald man reached across the booth to the rather busty blonde woman, whose cheeks inflamed red at his declaration.
“It’s our song!” he shouted at the bartender, “it’s our love song!” the man belched, holding the woman's hand tenderly, “our love making song!”
At that a chorus of gripes sounded off around the bar, Lauren included.
“Very drunk,” she murmured, taking a sip of her beer.
Kieran was still watching, “I’d rather like to hear him out.”
Lauren chuckled as he watched with…well assassin eyes, at the drunk man. But there was something else there, adoration maybe.
“Moon river!” the man shouted again, “sorry- that’s it! Moon river! Play that one!”
The bartender, who looked to be all but given up on life, shrugged and moved to the gramophone behind him. He shuffled a while before putting on the record, the sound of the scratch seemingly changing his mood.
The stocky man held out a hand to the woman, who took it gladly.
“It’s a love song!” he shouted at all the other patrons, and then without warning pointed his finger straight at the two of them, more precisely at Kieran.
“Hear that lad!” he shouted with a smile.
Kieran raised his glass in mock cheers to him, then downed it one gulp.
Lauren sat with a bemused expression, before he suddenly rose from his seat, his hand outstretched to her.
She cocked an eyebrow at him.
“You heard the man.”
Lauren looked back at where the stocky man was swaying in dance, his face a near perfect replication of sleep pressed against her bosom. Her gaze turned back to Kieran, the faintest of red on his cheeks. She noticed then that nearly the entire bar was dancing, even the bartender was hugging a bottle a little too intimately.
She stood up, taking his hand, “you know it’s a slow song.”
Kieran pulled her in, and she expected some snarky response but instead, “I rather like slow songs.” his voice was a whisper in her hair, the warmth of it comforting in a way she hadn’t imagined.
She felt herself calm against him, relaxing into the sway that he led her in. And that was all it was, a sway, happy and content in that dilapidated bar. She peered past his shoulder, noticing the other couples swaying, just the same. At that she smiled, unabashed, and Kieran noticed spinning her in a large circle before tugging her back to him.
“I’m very proud of you,” he whispered, fingers weaved through hers.
Fiery eyes looked up at him and he felt his breath hitch. He could have swore he saw a blush.
“Thanks,” she said looking down at their feet, “thanks for…taking me out tonight, it’s been fun.”
“Just doing my duty as a boyfriend,” he said.
“No, you’re doing your duty as a friend.” she said, surprising herself with the words, “you’re a good friend Kieran, truly.”
He gulped at the candidness of her words, knowing full well that in any other situation the platonic nature of them would leave any bachelor feeling heartless. But it was Lauren, and rarely if ever did she indulge in words of affirmation to him, he would revel in what he could get.
And by some miracle, the sincerity in him slipped too.
“You know I’d die for you.” he whispered.
Where such a grand gesture came from he had no idea, but he needed to say it. He wanted them to feel whole again, like real partners, real friends. He wanted to be someone she could trust-
Then suddenly, “I’d die for you too.”
And he heard it, clear and concise, stabbing him through the gut. It was a sentiment he was unequivocally afraid of, but one he hoped someone might feel for him one day.
He pulled his head back to look her steady in the eye, “you’d be a fool for that.”
Her chest hitched in slight laughter, “however much you may not believe it, you are worth dying for Kieran.”
At that, he undid. Whatever chains he had wrapped around his self control, loosened, dissipated more like it, and he pulled her fully against him.
To his surprise, she did not flinch.
Even when he bumped his forehead gently against hers, almost like a greeting. And that small betrayal of a smile spread across his mouth when he did so.
Lauren felt a heat rise up in her, her words were not empty, in fact she had felt that way for a while now. Likely since the first night they met, his blue eyes staring in surprise and anguish back at hers, blade against her throat, he seemed altogether human. And the way he smiled down at her now his eyes closed at the feeling of being in one another's arms, warm, he seemed even more so.
Maybe it was the booze that drove her to do it, or the promise that their lives were working out- in some fashion- but she laid her head against his chest, swaying.
Kieran wrapped his arms around her, his hands flat on her back, head nestled slightly in the crook of her neck. He reveled in the feeling of her hands lightly clutching his hair, the warmth of her breath seeping through his starch white shirt.
“What would you do if you were…free from all this?” she murmured against his chest, the question like ice water in his veins.
“Free from my identity, my crimes?” he whispered, the hiss of his voice causing shivers down her spine.
She pulled away from him then, “yes,” she said softly, admiring how the candlelight complimented his features.
Kieran let her go, sighing as he ran a hand up and through his hair.
“
It’s hard to say
”
Her head cocked at that, “no it’s not-”
“Lauren.” he said sternly, not wanting to expand on the topic.
“You lied just now, you know exactly what you’d do.” she poked a small smile on her lips.
He couldn’t help the blush that ran up his chest, “I don’t like thinking about it.”
Not a lie, she noticed. “Why not?”
His gaze roamed over the length of her in a soft glance, “because none of it will ever happen.”
Again, not a lie, to her chagrin. He must truly believe that for it to sound the way it did.
She grimaced, “You don’t know that.”
Kieran sighed again, “In my position it is better to elude hope than be crushed by daydreams- those things get you killed.” he gave her a small smile, an apology that he did not feel as optimistic as her.
But it was another reason he wanted to avoid the topic.
A crash sounded at the end of the bar, whipping the two's attention away. They watched in relief as a bartender reached down to clean up a tossed glass.
“It’s getting late, I ought to head home.” She said, looking around for her belongings. Looking anywhere but at him.
Kieran smiled slightly, “of course, I’ll walk you.”
They stepped out into the cold night air, their breath like a cloud around them.
“Could it be possible for Ardhalis to have just one warm evening.” Lauren griped, burrowing deeper in her jacket and scarves.
“That would be too out of character for our quaint little town.”
He realized then that the tops of her cheeks were red, her teeth chattering. Without thinking he reached out and grabbed her gloved hand in his, stuffing it in his jacket pocket with his own.
She looked up at him, surprised and perplexed as they passed under the warm street lamps.
He cocked an eyebrow at her, “I can hear your teeth, it’s the least I can do.”
They walked along the cobblestone, taking back alleyways through the city.
“At least tell me one thing. One thing you’d do if you were free.”
His hand tightened on hers, looking sideways at the ground.
“I’d paint.”
She looked up at him briefly, happy for a response, “I had forgotten you said you were a street painter.”
He smiled in silence next to her.
“Do you still?” she asked, amazed by the amount of questions she had been asking.
Kieran chuckled, nudging microscopically closer to her.
“ I draw sometimes.”
“What do you draw?”
“Full of personal questions tonight detective.” he grinned.
She rolled her eyes, “just answer them subordinate.”
He scrunched his nose, something Lauren realized she had never seen him do, something that was quite cute.
“People mostly, interactions, sometimes I just draw what I see before me…human moments.” he said, albeit a little embarrassed.
Lauren thought in quiet silence for a moment, happy for this new detail.
“Do you ever draw me?”
Kieran grinned, feeling the blush on his face, burrowing into his scarf with a soft chuckle.
Lauren chuckled with him, “well do you?” she prodded.
He looked at her for a moment, those fiery orbs burning through him, he could not lie to this woman.
“Yes.”
She knew in the back of her mind what his answer would be, but it still caught her by surprise, still causing her heart to hasten.
“What else would you do, besides painting?” she asked, quickly hoping to change the subject so he’d stop looking at her like that.
“You said one thing.” he protested.
“Yes but now that you’re sharing I figure I might try and keep it going.” she said joyfully, tightening her hand around his.
“I-I don’t know-”
“Just spill it White. Assassins can have dreams, I won’t hold it against you.” she interjected.
“Brutal for my image though, don’t you think?” he smiled, stopping mid street to look about them.
Lauren rolled her eyes again, “oh come on, be serious…please.” she said tenderly.
He thought for a moment, “I’d like to do this.”
“What?” she asked.
“I’m being serious, I would have liked to do this.” his voice wavering.
Lauren looked at him sideways, “this as in…?”
“Gone out to dinner after a long days work, celebrated with you, walked you home.” his confidence was crippling in her presence.
She laughed slightly, “but you’ve already done all that.”
“But for real, not under the facade it is now.”
She felt something in her spine compress.
“It isn’t a facade-”
“It is a facade,” he stammered, “facade may be the wrong word, but it is a front of some nature,” he argued.
She humored him, “How exactly?”
He sighed, “We are not just two coworkers out for a drink after work. I’m not just an archivist who is celebrating with a detective on a promotion, and I’m not just walking you home out of courtesy. I’m not pretending to be your boyfriend because it’s fun or- I-I” he stuttered, catching a breath, “A-all of these seemingly mundane things I do in my life have underlying ulterior motives, all of it seems…like a lie.”
`
“I’d like for it to be real, or normal, anyway. Without the ever present threat of execution looming over my head.” he grinned.
She stared at him, perplexed. His head was tilted back, looking up at the stars peaking through the factory smog. It saddened her to see him that way, like he really was wishing his life could be different. She supposed it wasn’t such a far out dream for someone like him to have.
She tugged him along, “So if you were my real boyfriend how would this night have gone any differently?” she tried, hoping to lift his spirits.
He chuckled, turning his attention back to her. They were walking slowly, biding their time in the wind swept streets.
“I can think of a few ways it would have gone differently, but admittedly I’ve never really swooned women before, I’m not sure any of them are realistic.”
“How ever do you mean?” she asked sarcastically.
He laughed again, short and curt at the insult. “I may have deadly good looks Lauren, but the…murder tends to get in the way of any swooning.”
She nodded in agreement, fully aware of how true the statement was. “Have you ever been in one? A real relationship I mean?”
He lowered his eyes at her, nearly a glare.
“Not even once?” she asked, surprised. “There’s not some kind of dating pool within the phantom scythe? I’d think you’d be a hot commodity in those circles.”
“If there is, I desperately do not want to be a part of it.” he replied, “I can’t imagine the kind of women who want to spend their evenings walking hand in hand down a dark alley with me… likely insane.”
She punched him in response and he doubled over chuckling.
“Asshole.” she said, a small smile still tugging at her lips. It was so dark where they were, but oddly enough she felt not a tinge of fright.
He hummed in response, nestling in closer to her side.
“Well how would it have gone differently?” she asked, “I-if you really were my boyfriend.” her voice dropped to a whisper.
Kieran felt the panic rise up in his throat again, afraid he would say something wrong, or a lie so apparent it would send her running.
He used his freehand to scratch at his throat, “Usual…relationship…stuff.”
“Usual relationship stuff?” she mimicked, “good god you really are bad at swooning.”
She got an elbow to the side.
“You know what I mean-” he protested, turning his gaze to look down at her, “like…kissing and flowers and such.”
She felt her face heat up at the thought of kissing Kieran, “you are the last person on earth I would ever want to receive flowers from.” she mumbled.
His eyebrows creased, looking at her incredulously “everyone loves flowers, I would know I deliver them often enough.”
Lauren held back a laugh.
He sighed, “fine no flowers, I’d just kiss you.” His brain halted, he hadn’t meant to say it that way.
The blush kept her response from forming, why on god's green earth was she having the reaction she was, it was just a thought- just a word-
He stuttered “M-Maybe I’d scale your bedroom balcony, burst in through the french doors and ravish your body.”
He bit his lip, turning his head so she wouldn’t see the utter embarrassment on his face.
She felt the pressure in her head subside, at his feigned confidence, “by ravage do you mean kill or se-”
He elbowed her again and she chuckled. Happy she hadn’t taken it so seriously.
“You see this is what I mean,” he said, “I can’t even say I want to ravish your body without you thinking it might mean I’d murder you instead. Everything I say is a double entendre because of who I am.”
“A handsome paradox, are you not?” she said, and she felt his gaze glued to her. A proud one, she could feel, at resurrecting his old line.
They were quiet a long while, watching the cobblestone pass by their feet.
She heard him sniffle then, “I’d meet your uncle, shake his hand and tell him how much I admire you.”
Lauren felt herself go deathly quiet, the wittiness had left his tone.
“I’d bring you coffee in the morning,” he went on, “I’d sit next to you, hand on your thigh during those dreadful precinct meetings.”
He smiled down at the slew of thoughts that invaded his mind. “I’d take you to dinner at a very public establishment and show you off.” His dreams, intangible as they were, made his voice fall, “I’d buy a bigger bed.” he said softly.
He felt her hand tighten around his, her face was so still.
He pulled himself from his daydreams, “I-I’m sorry that was too much-”
“What else?” her voice barely above a whisper she looked back up at him. His breath caught at the vibrancy that emanated from her eyes.
She looked alive…invigorated.
Unexpectedly his gaze held hers.
He swallowed something hard in his throat, he whispered, “I’d back you up against a wall and kiss you until I was hoarse.”
He didn’t know where the words came from, but they made her stop. Kieran shivered, entirely unsure of her reaction, entirely unsure of what he had just done.
But she was looking at him, fierce and stable, her eyes burning into his. He wanted to look away, but he felt pulled to her, as if he were to look away the entire world might dissipate before him. And suddenly her face softened, her eyebrows lifted, lips parted and he felt a rush through his body he’d never felt before.
Lauren saw his eyes betray him, tracing slowly down her features until they reached her lips.
Without thinking, she did the same.
There was no pausing on the edge, no looking down or back. She felt gone, headlong lost in his gaze, thrown down the abyss that had been calling to her for so long.
And she knew he felt it too, because in a daze he grabbed her waist and ever so slowly backed her up against the wall.
Their breath cascaded and billowed around them in a soft cloud, the angles of his body pressed all along hers, his head so dangerously close.
Like she had done it a thousand times she wrapped her arms around his neck, nudging her forehead against his.
“Kieran-” she breathed, and with a sigh of something like relief, he kissed her.
He wasn’t gentle or soft, he was starved and impatient. Pushing her harshly against the stone wall, his lips and tongue pummeled into her, she fell, drowned, spun in the sensation. Lauren couldn’t help herself, her mouth answered with equal desperation.
He was whimpering against her, his hands holding solid to her waist, so tight it nearly hurt. A low guttural moan escaped him when her tongue met his, his mouth opening wider on command. Hot and open mouthed their breath surged around them in a great swell of steam.
“Lauren-” he panted between kisses, his hands reaching lower on her body.
But she didn’t want to talk, she couldn’t talk, this hidden world she had been depriving herself of was thundering out of her, the adrenaline in her veins not yielding. She tugged at the hair on the back of his neck, and felt his hands wrap around her thighs and suddenly she was being hoisted up.
He broke the kiss briefly, “wrap your legs around me,” he murmured.
She crushed her mouth down against his and did as told, hooking her ankles behind his back as he pressed her harder into the wall.
His nimble fingers cupped her head, neck, shoulders and in a short breath were replaced by his lips. He was ravenous, a mess of dark shadows, skin, teeth, it turned her heart to fire. So much so that she was clawing at him, murmuring his name against his mouth. Kieran worked open the fastening at her shirt, tore the scarf away from her neck and was kissing a line across her collarbones and chest. Littering the tops of her breasts with small kisses, humming his praises. Her arms squeezed tighter around his head, beckoning him forward, beckoning more.
Lauren saw with some surprise the reflection of them in an abandoned store window. The long slim length of him pressed against her, his sharp black hair pushed up at all angles from the cold and wind. His shoulders were broad, muscular, the ribbon falling from his hair. He was holding her like she was something fragile, something worth protecting, and she nearly fell apart at the sight of his lips on her skin.
Kieran. That’s Kieran kissing me.
Excitement tore through her at the thought, and she grabbed his head, jerking it upward to push her lips down against his. She thought she felt him laugh, or smile, whatever it was; was good. Because he wrapped his arms completely around her, deepening the kiss with a moan.
It was an all consuming feeling to have every secret desire come bubbling out of you at once. Her heart leaped, bones shook, reality ceased to exist as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Kieran, Kieran, this is Kieran, her mind chanted as she kissed him back. She felt his tongue reach out to caress hers and she responded in a slow dance of her own, a force driving her to savor the moment.
Kieran was sure he would black out soon, he was sure this was a dream, or some nightmare that would spiral out of control.
But she was kissing him back-
Gods-
God
She was kissing him back.
A thought burst through his skull when she tugged at him- maybe it was better to love foolishly than never love at all. Foolish love however absurd and ill advised it was, was still love. That singular thought charged him forward, kept his mouth on her body, even when she tapped his shoulder and her legs untangled from around him.
She broke away, panting, but his mouth was still near hers, planting light kisses on the edge of her mouth.
Lauren smiled at the feeling, fingers still grappling at his neck, “a-are you hoarse?”
Kieran chuckled, hands wrapped around her waist, “I-I-” he coughed, smiling, “yes.” he said, catching his breath.
It felt perilous then to look in her eyes, the realization passed between them that this was no longer just a partnership.
He took her face in his palm, tenderly guiding it toward his own. He placed a chaste kiss on her mouth, swollen and red from where he’d bitten it.
Her eyes were closed, hands on his chest, “Is this all a facade? Is it a front?” she whispered.
Kieran felt his face collapse, tears teetering on the edge of his eyes. He looked up hoping to prevent them from falling, but failed.
She was looking at him then, utter concern plastered on her face.
He felt her thumb come up to wipe away a stray tear.
“No.” he said sternly, “of course not.”
He sniffled, trying to avoid her gaze, “I hoped I was being subtle about my feelings, but I can’t- I can’t-” he cried.
“Kieran,” she cooed, “Kieran it’s alright.”
“I don’t want to hurt you Lauren, and just knowing me puts you in danger, I can’t-”
He felt her lips meet his, mixed with the salt of his tears.
“God dammit ” he seethed, his head falling onto her shoulder.
She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.
“I’m sorry.” he said.
She fit her finger under his chin, lifting his head to look at her. She kissed him again and he responded, dragging his tongue along the seam of her lips, whining into her mouth.
“You don’t frighten me Kieran, and neither do the consequences of being around you. In fact you may be one of the few people in this world I fully trust.”
He sniffled again, wiping away his own tears. “You’re a fool-” he laughed slightly.
She smiled with him, “I know, but I can do as I please.”
He nodded, watching her with a quiet reverence, “of course you can.”
She turned out of his embrace, snatching up his hand in hers, “come on- I’m freezing and would like to be walked home by my boyfriend.” she said.
He tripped falling into pace beside her, his hand clutching hers.
“Boyfriend?” he asked.
“Might as well be. We’ve already done all the, how’d you put it? Usual relationship stuff.” she said coyly.
“I still need to ravish your body-”
“No. That’s not happening.” she cut him off, trying desperately to hide the smile from her face. She was happy his wit was back.
He chuckled, holding fast to her side. “Fine, later then.”
She rolled her eyes, “so how does it feel to be in a real relationship?” she asked, hoping in some way she might define whatever the hell was going on between them. A kiss like that and she better well be in a relationship.
Kieran smiled, happy to hear the words out loud.
“I’m extremely confused actually, objectively we’re a terrible match. You could do so, so much better than me. I literally kill people for a living.”
Lauren burst into laughter, there wasn’t a twinge of lie in his statement, but he seemed all the more happy to say it anyway. He was happy to see her spirits up again, leaning in to plant a small kiss on her head. When he did so her laughter subsided and she turned to look at him.
“And subjectively how do you feel?” she asked.
He smiled back at her, reaching to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Happy,” he kissed her, “recklessly happy.”