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"What kind of noodle should I get? There's so many choices to choose from and I don't know what to do." Yixing innocently thought out loud.
I instantly felt irritated, inside a cheerful restaurant here in Myeongdong, and I don't know why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I'm too busy bottling up my feelings for him to be polite and accommodating. That makes no sense, but it's true. I love him so much that it pisses me off, he pisses me off.
"Get whatever you like," I grumbled. I can't even talk and I don't feel like hearing his voice right now, and feeling my heart beat hard every time he looks at me.
"Jun, can I get a galbi?"
"You're a grown-ass adult, Xing. Get whatever you want. Why are you even asking me? Do you think I'm gonna say no? jesus fucking christ."
Yixing raised his eyebrows and went back to reading off the menu. God, even the way he reads off a piece of fucking paper is distracting. My menu may as well be covered in Latin because I can't understand a damn thing. With a heavy sigh, he flipped the pages back and looked over everything again.
"Do you want to get a side of jeon?"
"Go ahead, but I won't have any."
"Why not? You love jeon!"
"I'm just not feeling it today, but go ahead it's fine."
"Eh, I won't get it, it's too big and I won't be able to finish it."
"If you want it then just get it, Yixing. It's not a big deal if you finish it or not."
"Nah, it's okay. Do you want to get a gimmari?
"No thanks, that would be way too much food."
"Yeah, you're right..." He read down the menu swiftly once again.
"What appetizer on there is, like, smaller than gimmari?"
"There's bossam and tteokbokki, sanjeok, bindaetteok, gimmari..."
'Yixing, if you want gimmari so bad then just get it." I am so beyond done.
"I don't want it if you don't want it!"
'YIXING!" My contained irritation was spitting at him like war rockets now. I couldn't control my face, my tone, my anything. His poor decision making was honestly really cute and that's exactly what I hated so much about it.
"What?"
The waitress approached the table with a notepad, ready to ask for our orders.
"If you want the gimmari, then just order the goddamn mother fucking gimmari! Goddamn! It's as simple as that!" I was literally fuming, and for the stupidest reasons.
The waitress turned back around. "I'll give you two a little more time to look over the menu!" She scurried off faster than a llama being chased by lions.
"Jun, why are you being so snippy at me lately? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, ugh Yixing, it's nothing, okay?" It wasn't nothing. It wasn't okay. I felt trapped within myself whenever I spend time with him, but I couldn't stop. He's like a drug and I keep coming back like a hopeless addict. I guess you could call me a user, but I want him to go on and use me too.
"It's obviously not fine, Jun," Yixing looked genuinely concerned for me and it killed me to see his face contort into that expression, all because of me, " I know you too well. What's going on?"
"I can't tell you," I mumbled, my face resting in my hands, covering my eyes. I could not stand to see Yixing seeing me like this. He has this stupid, dumb effect on me that makes me feel so pathetic. Really? I can't even control myself around him? How the hell is that fair?
"You can tell me anything." He's so lovely, and charming I'm about to throw my ice water in his face.
"Stop with that," I spat back. "You don't understand! You'll never understand! Just shut up and eat your fucking gimmari and-" I was cut off by something. A feeling. A desire?
Yixing's hand somehow found mine and held it from across the table, soothing and electrifying me at the same time with his touch. My throat was clenching violently, and I felt an ache forcing an uncontrollable pressure to the back of my eyes as I fought back the tears. The tears aren't showing up because I'm overly sad, or overly happy, or anything like that. They're here because it's a release, and god knows I've needed a good release.
I let them out, one by one, like children in a single file line exiting a building during a fire drill. Yixing kept holding onto me, grazing his hand repeatedly though slowly over the top of my hand, waiting patiently for an explanation.
"Look at what you do to me?" I try to smile and laugh as I take my free hand and wipe my eyes. I could never bullshit myself out of this one.
"I did this? I'm so so sorry, Jun." Yixing looked hurt, checking his mental files for every bad thing he had ever done since we moved in the dorm together. Of course, he couldn't find anything that would explain this rush of emotion, all these tears. There's nothing to find. Yixing is, and has been, perfect for all the time I've known him.
"No, you're fine, Yixing. Don't worry about it. You're okay. You're perfect." I wiped my eyes some more and focused on him holding my hand. Now instead of irritation, I felt a new warmth come over me. I was so angry and cruel to him, but he still stuck around and talked me through it. He cares about me so much. I felt, in that moment, so grateful that he was here for me, through anything.
Classically Yixing, he tried to make light of the situation. "Do you know that you're a pretty crier?" He smiled and giggled, making me do the same. All Yixing ever wants is for me to smile, I know that much. He better not continue being so sweet or I'll be stuck on him for life.
" Hahaha, what does that even mean?" I hate to admit it but I feel better already. I internally thanked Yixing for not pressing questions right now.
"Most people make really ugly faces when they cry! I know I do! My face turns all red and it's just ridiculous!", "Hey I know Yeollie said you cry ugly but trust me you don't." He made the funniest "ugly" face he could make [even though he couldn't look ugly if he tried].
"Yeah, alright, I trust you, and yes, I saw that when we watched Awaiting. You were a wreck!"
"To be fair, Moon Chae Won was really good and you're right about that, you always are, Jun. He squeezed my hand nonchalantly, as if this is something we would normally do, any day of the week. "It's actually endearing to see you cry, as weird as it sounds. I never get to see it."
"Disgusting is what it is. Pathetic, even."
"No, no. There's nothing negative about letting your feelings out. Just remember you can talk to me about anything, okay? I am always, always here for you. I don't care if you have to knock on my door at 3AM every day. No questions asked, I'm here for you." Yixing's passionate eyes locked with mine and more tears came out, the aftermath of his undying loyalty to me. It was all too much to take right then.
Yixing suddenly stood up and walked around to the other side of the table, sitting next to me as opposed to across. He put a comforting, strong arm around me and held me closer to him, keeping me stable both physically and mentally, so I could break down further into his shirt. How did the universe make such a lovely man?
"It's okay, Jun." I wrapped my arms around him in response to his warmth. It felt nice holding him like this. Like it was meant to be, somehow this felt significant.
"Thank you," I whispered into his neck with all the volume I could muster. He kept stroking my hair and back, holding me close like his prized possession. I could have just fallen asleep right then and there, I felt so peaceful.
"I love you, Junmyeon. I love you so much." Yixing kissed the top of my head as he held me. I just was about to sprung up as I processed his confession. What did he just say?
"What did...What?"
The waitress strolled past us again and sensed that she shouldn't interrupt us now either. She just kept walking. Smart.
"I love you, Junmyeon." His eyes twinkling as I stare into his soul effortlessly. "You're the most important person to me in this whole world, okay maybe next to my Waipo and Amah, but I can't stand seeing you so upset. And I'm so sorry for saying it now. Yixing took his own face in his hands, exasperated at what he had just done. "I'm so so sorry for saying that now. Wrong time, very wrong time. I'm so stupid, I can't just say stuff like that when you're all upset and vulnerable. Oh GOD! it looks like I'm taking advantage of your current state, doesn't it??!!!
I started laughing. Uncontrollable, chest-aching laugh. I couldn't help it, Yixing was so cute, all flabbergasted and running through his entire, wacky train of thought right here at the table. The confused look on his face right then made it so undeniably clear that he is the only one for me.
Before he became too worried I wrapped my arms around him again. "Oh my god, Xing. I love you so fucking much. You're so funny, I just," I started laughing again. "You're so cute and it's just really hard to be around you sometimes. You're so lovely, Yixing."
Yixing blinked back a few times and then just smiled. The mutual understanding hung around us like a sweet fragrance. My bottle was finally open, releasing the pressure and anxiety that used to build up within me and weighed me down was replaced by cool, light air. I knew what I wanted, what I needed, rather to do.
I put both my hands on the back of Yixing's neck, tangling with his jet black hair, and kissed him gently yet passionately on the lips. Everything felt perfect, balanced, like Goldilocks' third bowl of porridge. The kiss was just right, just what we needed.
"You're so wonderful," Yixing said after the kiss. Funny, he's the one that blew my mind.
"I'm sorry for being such a bratty bitch lately."
"Don't apologize. You're not a bratty bitch, and even if you are, I don't mind." He really does have the patience of an angel.
"I love you."
"I love you too, and by the way, you're my bratty bitch."
The meal at that restaurant in Myeongdong became our first date, and eventually, we didn't scare the waitress away. We shared a night full of smiling and laughing and kissing, and getting to know each others romantic sides, we haven't discovered before. Funny how one little thing, one little confession opened so many doors for us.