Chapter Text
“-heavens rained with hellfire! Death wass unavoidable! No creature found ssafety when the mighty Red Dragon decided to punish the land! No! Creature! Ha ha haaaa!”
Most students were not fans of Pitaya’s substitute history lesson. The scope of topics in her syllabus weren’t quite as vast as most parents would hope. Instead of bear jelly segregation, they learned about dragon wrath. Rather than teaching on cave cookies, they got even more lessons on dragon wrath. Some cookies took careful notes while others goofed off, staring out the window or passing notes.
“Ha…hah…..Ah, who would like to give me the firsst question?”
Tiramisu raised his hand.
“Mrs. Pitaya, if dragons are so amazing, why are you just a simple teacher for cookies like us?”
Pitaya just stood silent for a second, looking between the students. She narrowed her eyes and began to pace.
“Perhapss I just wanted to ensure that cookiess like you all would never forget who you truly kneel before. If there were none teaching here, why, you all would grow lax, forgetting to properly fear the view of a mighty dragon!”
Tiramisu didn’t look convinced, leaning back slowly in his chair. For some reason, he didn’t think this was going to be on the test. Candlelight Cookie raised his hand next and Pitaya pointed at him.
“Why are you even here? You’re not our history teacher. Where’s Mrs. Timekeeper?”
Pitaya rolled her eyes.
“Doess anybody have a question about the LESSON?”
Bell Pepper Cookie had his cheek in his palm, thoroughly unimpressed as well.
“Yeah yeah, dragons destroyed everything and they’re so cool and stuff. Where’s Mrs. Timekeeper?”
Pitaya balled her hands into fists, but ultimately relented.
“Mrs. Timekeeper accidentally teleported halfway into a locker room wall and iss unable to teach you until we can find a way to get her out without threatening our budget. We try to avoid making holess. Very costly.”
“You make them all the time at home! The walls are like swiss cheese!” Devil remarked. Being her son, he expected special treatment over the others, but got no such thing. “I say we just leave her to die. Who needs history?”
Before Pitaya could properly respond, the door to her classroom opened. In came Fire Spirit, the PE teacher, currently taking a swig of kerosene out of the flask he kept in his jacket. He was decked out for a fun day of not-working, wearing a Cookieland visor, shirt and even sneakers with Cream Unicorn’s face on them.
“Hey teach.” Fire Spirit said, “I’m here to pick my son up for uh…a doctor’s appointment, or something. C’mon Devil, let’s-“
He froze at the realization that he was not in fact, face to face with Timekeeper. Pitaya looked livid, her sharp teeth bared and her hair bristling. Her chest was heaving, causing smoke to hiss out from between her teeth.
“Oh, hey babe! I thought you were…y’know…Devil’s fifth period…teacher…”
The wood on the desk was beginning to crack and splinter from how hard she was gripping it. Fire Spirit slowly reached for the doorknob and started to close it.
“On second thought, I think Devil got over his rabies. I’ll just get going now…”
Pitaya started to make her way out the door, then remembered who she was leaving behind. She stomped over to Angel Cookie and pointed at the teacher’s desk.
“Watch over the classs. I’ll be back.”
Angel obeyed, hovering over into Pitaya’s seat as she left the room. This was such a new position of power Angel was granted, looking at the other students.
“Please turn to page seventy-three in your history books.”
“What? She didn’t say you could teach us!” Devil snapped. “You’re just a glorified hall monitor!”
“Detention. Five months.”
“You can’t give out punishments either!”
“You’re expelled. Leave this school.”
“Shut up!”
“YOU ARE BANISHED FROM THESE LANDS, DEVIL. MAY THE LORD SMITE YOUR TAINTED SOUL.”
Meanwhile, Devil’s father was not faring much better. After failing to run away, he was grabbed by the middle and lifted right off his feet, shuddering at the enraged dragon and giving her a false grin.
“You thought to fool ME?”
“Technically, I was trying to fool Timekeeper…”
“You had better have a good excuse for trying thiss little ditching sstunt! Out with it!”
“Shit, I don’t know! I wasn’t exactly preparing to get caught, so…’
He didn’t even get to finish his sentence before she slammed him through the wall with a WHAM, startling her class on the other side. She then yanked him back, covered in paint and possibly asbestos.
“Damn girl, did I ever tell you how good you are at fucking me up? Listen baby, our kid’s a growing boy. He needs his dose of vitamin fun to-“
[WHAM!]
“DEVIL! I NEED YOU TO GO TO MOMMY’S PURSE AND DIG OUT HER BOTTLE OF ANXIETY PILLS! THEY’RE IN THE LEFT-“
[YANK!]
“Don’t blame me, ‘Taya. Wind Archer gave me the tickets and insisted I-“
[WHAM!]
“GET A HANDFUL OF THOSE PILLS AND JUST KEEP THROWING THEM AT HER MOUTH, DEVIL! SHE’S GOTTA-“
[YANK!]
“I swear we were gonna bring you back those cute little souvenir cups you like so-“
[WHAM!]
“THE PILLS DEVIL GRAB THE FUCKING PILLS!”
The mauling of Fire Spirit continued for the next few minutes, pausing only once the principal showed up, Millennial Tree gingerly pulled the dragon off Fire Spirit’s mutilated figure before helping their gym teacher back onto his feet. Needless to say, neither he nor Devil got to enjoy Cookieland that day. Timekeeper eventually got unstuck, but not until after quite the adventure involving firemen, the football team and approximately ten feet of dental floss. Just another day of school.
-The original inspiration to this were these images by @freshyellu-
