Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The omniverse is a vast and infinitely large space, consisting of infinite multiverses, each of which consists of infinite universes themselves. It contains every single fictional character - from movies, books, television, video games, fanfiction, and even real life - and all of the infinite possible variations of said characters. The omniverse is the place where every single dream and idea can flourish in peace.

Of course, with an infinite space like this, there are infinite gods to make sure nothing bad occurs. They can range from barely above-average demigods to all-mighty titans with incredible strength and powers. While most of these gods are "good", or at least neutral, they tend to get bored after a while. And that, my friend, is where our story begins...

(In an empty universe, on a nearly empty planet, a god is watching television in his house, eating popcorn, and having a bored expression on his face. This is Certaminis, the god of competition.)

Certaminis: Uhgh! All of these other universes are so boring! It's just the same "alpha omega yaoi rut dominate" shit over and over again! Why isn't anything new and original here?!?

(Certaminis proceeds to channel-surf for a little bit, before stopping on something that catches his eye.) 

Certaminis: ...What's a "Crossover Conquest"? You have my interest...

(Certaminis watches with interest... until he spots a familiar face.)

Certaminis: Wait a second... is that... Hopper?? My arch-enemy and mortal rival?!?!?

(Suddenly filled with an uncontrollable rage, Certaminis shuts off the TV, and rushes to his bedroom.)

Certaminis: Damn you, Hopper! First, you caused the worst day of my life, and now you have your own Total Drama ripoff?!?! You must think you're so cocky with your shrimp-dick "Reality" Chromebook! Well, guess what? That poor excuse of a computer is nothing compared to my REALITY GAMING PC!

(The Reality Gaming PC in question is located in Certaminis's room. Everything related to the PC has rainbow LEDs- the hardware, the fans, the keyboard, the mouse, the monitor, the speakers, the gaming chair, the footstool, the electric plugs, the multiple-socket extension cord, and even the electric socket of which the computer is plugged into, for some reason.)

Certaminis: This bad boy is as powerful as 10,000 Reality Chromebooks! I'll use it to sabotage his show and ruin his reputation forever!

(Suddenly, Certaminis stops his rant, and starts to think.)

Certaminis: Wait for a second... ruining his show would be a waste of resources. No, I have a better idea! I'll make my show and upstage him! It's perfect, and it'll keep me entertained. I'm such a genius!

(Certaminis turns on his PC and opens the number one source for collecting fictional characters: the Internet.)

Certaminis: Now then, let's see... who should I choose? So many options, so few spots available...

Brian Griffin: Uhhgh... where am I?

(Brain opens his eyes... only to find a living test tube staring at him.)

Brian Griffin: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Test Tube: Whoa, calm down! I'm not going to hurt you!

Brian Griffin: Jesus Christ... As much as this might sound weird, you're not the weirdest thing I've seen.

Test Tube: Oh yeah! Forgot to introduce myself. I'm Test Tube! What about you?

Brian Griffin: My name's Brian. Do you know how many other people there are?

Test Tube: Oh yeah, there are... 24 of us, I think?

(Pan over to the other contestants.)

Mikan Tsumiki: Why... WHY? Why do I have to go through another killing game?!?!

Stanley Pines: Would you calm down, would you?!? I don't even know who you are, let alone what the heck a "killing game" is!

Mikan Tsumiki: Well... I-I'm Mikan Tsumiki, the Ultimate Nurse...

(Beat.)

Stanley Pines: ...What the hell’s an ultimate? Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm Stanley Pines, but you can call me Grunkle Stan! And my hobby is selling random crap to strangers!

Mikan Tsumiki: Oh... this is not a killing game? W-well, I guess there's no one to traumatize me! No Hiyoko, no Monokuma, and definitely no Hos-

Izuru Kamukura: Hello.

Mikan Tsumiki: * Very Feminine Screeching*

(Meanwhile...)

Jessie: Listen, okay? There is no way that YOU may be a cookie! How does that even work?!?

Wildberry Cookie: ...Magic and special ingredients.

Jessie: ...I swear to Arceus, you better not be lying to me, you little twerp! That's too absurd, even for me!

(Ruby gets between the two.)

Ruby: Guys, can we please stop fighting? This situation isn't normal, and we should probably work together...

Jessie: Hmmph! No way I'm putting up with whatever is going on! I'm leaving!

(Jessie turns to leave... but then turns around.)

Jessie: ...Where's the exit?

Wildberry Cookie: I think we're trapped here.

Ruby: Why did you say that so calmly?!? 

Wildberry Cookie: I have accepted my own fate.

Ruby: SO WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!?!?!

Jessie: THAT'S NOT HELPING THINGS YOU TWERP -

(Sans is watching the conversation occur.)

Sans: ...huh, guess those people don't like being kidnapped. but then again, who doesn't?

(Merg goes up to Sans.)

Merg: Yo dude, are you Sans? From Undertale?!?

Sans: uh... yeah, that's me. how did you know my name?

Merg: Uhm...

(Cutaway to Merg silently no-hitting Sans, not getting a single scratch. There's a shit-ton of bones and Gaster Blasters. And Megalovinia is going DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO-DO -)

Merg: ...That doesn't matter. 

Sans: …whelp, to each their own, i guess.

(Somewhere else, a middle-aged woman and two teenagers are having an argument.)

Karen: Why would you dye your hair?!?! That's a sin against God!!!!!

Aubrey: ...Listen, lady. You have NO say over what I can do with my life!

Osana Najima: Yeah! Besides, this is my natural hair colour! I was born with this!

Karen: Bullshit! The youth in America have strayed too far from God! I bet you two are having sex with ugly black men!

Osana Najima: ...What? NO! That's disgusting AND racist! The only person I remotely like is Senpai - who I don't really actually like because he's such a dummy - and he's the farthest from dark-skinned you can get!

Aubrey: What she said. Now shut your mouth... (grabs bat) ...before I shut it for you.

Karen: Ha! And what are you going to do?!? I bet you fucked a chin-

(Aubrey swings her spiked bat at Karen, sending her flying. Karen ends up face-down, knocked out in the grass, right in front of Jirou.)

Jirou Kyoka: I'm not saying that was deserved... but that was deserved. 

(Joseph then approaches Jirou.)

Joseph Joestar: Well, well, well! Aren't you a pretty girl?

Jirou Kyoka: ...I'm not interested. Leave me alone.

Joseph Joestar: ...Well, are you an angel? Because you're more beautiful than the prettiest cherry blossom!  

Jirou Kyoka: ...

Joseph Joestar: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(A heavily-blushing Jirou then stabs Joseph in the eye with one of her ear-jacks, causing immense pain.)

Joseph Joestar: AUGH! OH MY GOD, HOLY SHIT!!!! FUCK... worth it, though. 

(Meanwhile, in the distance...)

Rick Sanchez: God fucking dammit, why isn't this stupid gun working?!?

Solar Flare: …Hey man, are you okay?

Rick Sanchez: Gah! Oh god dammit, it's just you...

Solar Flare: You look like you're all worked up about your gun. You can fix it later! 

Rick Sanchez: Oh please, you overgrown weed. This isn't just any ordinary gun! Without it, I can't travel to different universes! I'm stuck in this shitty-ass place! And not only that, but I'm with a talking flower and a sentient backpack!

(Rick points to Liam upon saying this.)

Liam Plecak: ...Could you please not, man?

Solar Flare: Listen, I think you're too stressed. Maybe try relaxing and thinking about good things!

Rick Sanchez: FUCK YOU!

(Rick storms off, leaving Solar Flare and Liam behind.)

Liam Plecak: ...First I get tortured by Airy, and now I have to deal with THIS asshole?

(We then pan over near Certaminis's house. The unintroduced contestants are all here.)

Theodore Roosevelt:  I say! Such a quaint place this strange field is! There’s nothing but grass and this large house. But where is the owner?

Patrick Bateman: The real question you should be asking, old man, is why the hell would some bastard kidnap twenty-four random people?

Courtney: Maybe if you were more respectful, you would find answers!

Patrick Bateman: Counterpoint: You're a woman. Your opinions do not matter.

Courtney: ...EXCUSE ME? I'll call my lawyers if you keep that misogyny up!

(While Bateman and Courtney are arguing, Roosevelt notices the Tickle Monster approaching him.)

Theodore Roosevelt:  …Oh? Now, what are you?

The Tickle Monster: *happy puppy noises* 

(The Tickle Monster hugs Roosevelt’s leg.)

Theodore Roosevelt: What are you doi- … By Jove! This feels… wonderful! I feel like I’m twenty again!

The Tickle Monster: *satisfied helper dog noises*

(Finally, we go directly to the entrance of Certaminis’s house. The door is locked.)

Roulxs Kaard: Screweth all ofeth these formalities! I sayeth we breaketh down this door!

Principal of the Thing: No entering school facilities in the halls!

Roulxs Kaard: I maketh my own roulxs!

Principal of the Thing: …No making up random rules to fit your agenda in the halls!

(The Principal grabs Roulx’s right arm… and CLEANLY SPLITS IT INTO TWO.)

Roulxs Kaard: What are thou - ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Principal of the Thing: 15 seconds - detention for you! You should know better!

Roulxs Kaard: GOD 

DAMMIT

(Suddenly, a loud microphone feedback sound is heard. A booming voice is then heard by all contestants.)

???: ATTENTION, ALL 24 PEOPLE! WILL YOU PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE FRONT OF MY HOUSE? THANK YOU!

(Everybody gathers at the front of the house, as the mysterious voice instructs.)

Mikan Tsumiki: W-What’s gonna happen to us?!?

Sans: well, this could either be something really good or really bad.

Courtney: Honestly, I just hope that it isn’t Chris! God knows how insane he is…

Stanley Pines: …For some reason, people from my place keep disappearing! Do you think that guy’s behind it?

Wildberry Cookie: Many people in life cannot be trusted. HE is one of them.

Brian Griffin: Enough of this! Can’t the dude show himself already?

(Suddenly, the sky goes pitch black.)

Aubrey: …Why is it suddenly nighttime?!

Jessie: Ok, I am 99% percent sure this is a work of a legendary Pokemon! Thankfully, I have a spare Master Ball on me!

Theodore Roosevelt: Bully! Looks like Woodrow Wilson truly was the devil all along!

(Two spotlights turn on, revealing Certaminis being held up by… Silly Strings.)

Certaminis: Welcome to my show! You all have the great fortune of competing in my awesome - no, RIVETING competition! Oh, but who am I to not introduce myself?

All Contestants: … A game show?!

Certaminis: …Well, I’m better than a middle-aged man who’s too insecure to let other shows exist, some soulless lady who has a pronoun for a name (not including Jason because he’s cool), a schoolgirl and a monstrous spider, a couple which can’t agree which condiment should go on their burgers, the most idiotic simp for a Pokemon, some random dude with an Ipad, and I’m definitely superior to Hopper! I’m the host with the most, Certam-

(The Silly Strings break, and Certaminis falls to the floor, with a loud THUMP. Blood begins to spill everywhere.)

Ruby: …OH MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?

Rick Sanchez: Ha! That fucker’s dead!

Certaminis: Oh no, I’m fine! Just give me a second…

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, and all of the blood disappears. He stands up, completely fine, with no visible bruises.)

Liam Plekak: …HOW ARE YOU OKAY? That fall should have killed you!

Certaminis: Oh yeah, I used my Reality PC to give me teleportation and healing powers! Pretty neat, huh?

Solar Flare: Well… can you heal the wounded?

Certaminis: Of course!

(Certaminis snaps his fingers again, fixing Roulx’s broken arm and Karen’s face bruise.)

Certaminis: Now then, are you ready to compete?

Osana Najima: …What are we competing in, anyways?

Certaminis: Good question! All 24 of you will compete in a competition for the ages! Blood, sweat, and tears will be put out, as you both work with and battle your fellow contestants for first place! And after all of the turmoil, the victor will receive the grand prize of -

Izuru Kamakura: No.

Certaminis: ..What?

Izuru Kamakura: I do not wish to compete. Your game show bores me.

Certaminis: But I didn’t even announce the prize -

Izuru Kamakura:  I do not care. Goodbye.

(Izuru leaves to go somewhere… like a chad.)

Patrick Bateman: …Good riddance. That’s one less enemy in this battle royale.

Test Tube: So… there’s only 23 of us now?

Certaminis: Uhhh… Aha! I knew there was a chance someone would leave, so I have a backup contestant! Gimme one sec…

(Certaminis gets out his phone, which is connected to his reality PC via Bluetooth. He then types “get back-up contestant” into the command box, which summons… a large creature.)

Lunala: *Screeching*

Karen: Holy Lord, what the FUCK is that… thing?!?

Principal of the Thing: No taking the Lord’s Name in vain in the halls!

Jessie: Wait, is that a… Lunala?!? Oh my God, that’s so powerful! I need that!

(Jessie yeets her Master Ball at Lunala… however, upon contact, it shatters into a million pieces.)

Certaminis: Yeah… that won’t work here.

Lunala: Ugh, rude! Didn’t your mother teach you to like, not throw things at strangers?

Jessie: SO I WASTED MY MASTERBALL FOR NOTHI-

(Beat.)

Jessie:…wait, you can speak ENGLISH?!?

Lunala: Well, yeah! Every Legendary and Mythical Pokemon can speak both English and Japanese! I thought this was common knowledge!

Merg: Ok, but… why did you screech at us?

Lunala: Because I was teleported through space-time so suddenly! Anyone would be shocked by that. But you guys seem nice!

Certaminis: Yeah, yeah, cool. Anyways, would you like to compete in my show for a prize?

Lunala: Oh, I’d love to! But, what is this prize you speak of?

Joseph Joestar: Yeah! Tell us!

(Everyone gathers around Certaminis, eager to see what the prize is.)

Certaminis: Well, I’m glad you asked! The prize is…

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, and a Reality Chromebook appears in his other hand.)

Rick Sanchez: …A fucking laptop?!

Certaminis: Oh no, good sir, this thing in my hand is a Reality Chromebook. While its powers pales in comparison to my EPIC REALITY GAMING PERSONAL COMPUTER, it can still teleport things, revive people and create objects! No directly modifying how reality works, though. 

Solar Flare: …So our prize is a computer which can do almost anything? That sounds awesome!

Certaminis: Oh, you thought I only had one Chromebook? No! I can produce infinite versions of this computer using my highly superior PC! In fact, I’ll double the prize, just to prove to you!

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, summoning another Reality Chromebook. The contestants murmur excitedly.)

Certaminis: So, what do you say? You gonna play, or are you gonna wimp out like that Kamukura guy?

(All the contestants either say some sort of “yes” or put their thumbs up.)

Certaminis: Alright! That’s great to hear. Now, I’m gonna go spawn a hotel, while you guys make three teams of eight. I’ll return when you guys have formed your teams. Now, get to it!

(Certaminis teleports into his house, and the contestants start to get into groups.)

Aubrey: …So, I think we three girls should stick together, agree?

Osana Najime: Heck yeah! Girlbosses forever!

Kyoka Jirou: I mean, so long as HE doesn’t come…

(Joseph then approaches the three girls.)

Joseph Joestar: Why, hello, ladies! Mind if I join your group?

Kyoka Jirou: How about n-

Osana Najime: Oh c’mon! Give him a chance!

Aubrey: Yeah, he’s clearly jacked and tough. Even if he is stupid, he still makes it up with muscle and wittiness.

Kyoka Jirou: Fine… but don’t expect me to fall in love with you, or whatever…

Joseph Joestar: Perfect! I’m sure we’ll all get along fine!

Mikan Tsumiki: Umm… C-can I join your guy’s team?

Aubrey: Sure, why not?

Stanley Pines: Ay! What’s this about a team? Grunkle Stan wants in!

Osana Najime: I mean… I guess?

Stanley Pines: Ha! We’ll be great business partners, I’m sure!

Mikan Tsumiki: …Yay?

(Meanwhile, with Liam and Test Tube…)

Liam Plekak: So you’re proposing that we team up because… we’re objects?

Test Tube: Exactly! We non-humans are at a slight disadvantage compared to our hominid counterparts. Therefore, I propose we form a team consisting mainly of non-human contestants!

Liam Plekak: I mean… I guess I’m down. So long as we don’t have to do challenges related to heights or swimming, I’m good.

Brian Griffin: …A non-human team, you say? Great idea. Count me in!

Lunala: Oooh! I love how you think! I wanna join too!

The Tickle Monster: * ”pwetty pwease” puppy noises*

Theodore Roosevelt: I say, you people are odd fellows… but I will join your merry band, just because!

Test Tube: That’s six already! Power to the non-humans!

Brian Griffin: …And the 26th President.

(We now cut to another group.)

Sans: me and that merg guy are paired up… what about you guys?

Patrick Bateman: Well, there’s me, the drunk guy, the living plant, the crybaby girl, and the lady with pink hair. Mediocre, but satisfactory.

Ruby: …I’m not a crybaby!

Rick Sanchez: Well, we still need one more… so which fucker’s gonna join us? Huh?

Solar Flare: Oh! I know! We can ask that cookie guy!

Wildberry Cookie: …No need, I’m already here.

Jessie: GYAAAAHH!! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!?!?

Wildberry Cookie: That does not matter. I wish to join your team.

Merg: Well, now we have eight! That’s, uh, great, yeah.

(Back to the girls (and Joseph) (and Grunkle Stan).)

Roulxs Kaard: Such peasant worms doth not deserveth to be in mine presence! But I shall join thoust team anywayeth! 

Mikan Tsumiki: I-i don’t know about that…

Roulxs Kaard: L-eth plus ratio-eth plus thosant are a worm plus thoust’s mother stanketh of eldenberries!

(Mikan begins to sob at these harsh words.)

Stanley Pines: Ay, who made her cry! Why would you do something like that?!

Osana Najime: …I guess we have no choice but to let him on our team…

Kyoka Jirou: So… who’s left?

Aubrey: Well, Courtney has been taken and we can’t pick Karen for obvious reasons, so… I guess we’re going with Principal? But how do we call him here?

Joseph Joestar: Don’t worry! I got this!

(Joseph puts two fingers in his mouth and whistles, causing the Principal of the Thing to ru- I mean, sprint over.)

Principal of the Thing: I’m here! What do you need?

Joseph Joseph: You’re on our team! The gang’s all here!

Roulxs Kaard: We shalleth sweep the worm-like competition!

Principal of the Thing: …No, that’s Gotta Sweep’s job.

(Finally, we pan over to the final group.)

Brian Griffin: I guess we get Karen…

Karen: Why are you saying it like that, you mangy mutt?!

Courtney: Don’t worry, guys! With my leadership skills and my CIT training, we’re sure to win some challenges!

Lunala: Not with THAT asshole, we aren’t.

Karen: THE FUCK YOU SAY TO ME YOU OVERGROWN-

(With all of the teams settled, Certaminis exits his house.)

Certaminis: Alright, I’m done rendering the hotel. Now, what are your guy’s team names?

Mikan Tsumiki: Uhhmmm… Team name?

Certaminis: Yep! Just put an adjective and noun starting with the same letter together, and you should be good!

Stanley Pines: What? Do you want us to call ourselves the “Questionable Quinoa” or something like that?

Certaminis: That’s perfect!

Stanley Pines: Wait, wha-

Certaminis: So, group one is the Questionable Quinoa. Now then, group two, what’s your name?

Jessie: …Oh, I have the PERFECT name! We’ll call ourselves the-

Patrick Bateman: Sigma Chads.

Certaminis: Alright, Sigma Chads it is!

Jessie: …Rude.

Certaminis: Alright, group two is the Sigma Chads! Finally, it’s time for group three. Try to name yourself by accident!

Brian Griffin: What, wait? Do you want us to name ourselves not on our choice? Why would you do that?

Certaminis: …Because it’s funny and a staple of these things?

Lunala: But… What if we want a non-accidental name?

Certaminis: …That could work. Group three is A Non-Accidental Name!

Karen: That sounds horrible!!!

Certaminis: Shut up, bitch. Now then, now that we have finished that…

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, creating a 20-story hotel next to his house.)

Certaminis: This hotel is where you’ll be staying! It contains full cooking and cleaning staff, several entertainment venues such as a swimming pool and movie theatre, 4-D objects, a six-star room service, and beds altered so that you’ll have the best sleep! My only rule is DO NOT TOUCH MY REALITY GAMING PC LOCATED IN MY HOUSE, unless it is for emergencies. Understand?

(Everyone mutters in agreement.)

Certaminis: Good! Now that you know not to touch it…

(Certaminis tosses room keys to everyone.)

Certaminis: You can choose whatever room you like, and it will be customized to your liking. The first challenge starts tomorrow, so get some rest!

(The contestants enter the hotel, eager for tomorrow’s big event. Certaminis watches them leave, being proud of himself.)

Certaminis: …This is going to be great, I just know it.

Thanks for voting!

(As all the contestants go to sleep, Certaminis is in his house. He’s working on the Reality Gaming PC, running a program known as “blacklist.exe”.)

Certaminis: Let’s see… Host, Bill Cipher, Her, Monika, Jerry the Spider, Gold Pig, Envy, Grover Fishchoeder, Lord Dominator, Tyrian Callows, Magica de Spell, Crocodile, The Core, GIFanny, Big Boss, Vecna, Emperor Besos, Flowey the Flower, Bowser, Spinel, Dimentio, King Andrias… and of course, Hopper!

(Certaminis presses “ENTER” and leans back in his rainbow gaming chair, hands behind his head.)

Certaminis: There we go! Now any evil entities have been blocked and can’t enter this universe ever! No stealing MY Golden CPU!

(Suddenly, there’s a knock on the bedroom door.)

Certaminis: Wha- who’s there?!

(Izuru Kamukura enters the room.)

Certaminis How did YOU get in here?!?

Izuru Kamukura: …Your front door was unlocked.

Certaminis: Oh… well, what do you want?

Izuru Kamakura: After much thinking, I have realized I have nothing better to do. Therefore, I wish to rejoin your little game show.

Certaminis: Yeah, uh… I replaced you already, so no. Sorry, bud.

Izuru Kamukura: …What about as an assistant?

Certaminis: …I mean, I could use some help with my show… Alright! We gotta deal!

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, summoning a golden key. He tosses it to Izuru, who catches it easily.)

Certaminis: This key is for your VIP suite! It’s located on the 13th floor.

Izuru Kamukura: …Why the thirteenth floor, if I may ask?

Certaminis: Because nobody ever goes there! Most buildings with more than 12 floors don’t even have it!

Izuru Kamukura:... Fair. I shall see you in the morning… “boss.”

Certaminis: Make sure you wake up at 8 o’clock!

(Izuru leaves, and Certaminis goes back to working on his computer.)

Chapter Text

(We start at the hotel on the next day. People have woken up and are now at the restaurant within the hotel, sitting in their teams at three tables.)

Aubrey: So, uh… how was your sleep last night?

Joseph Joestar: It was fucking awesome! I’ve never slept as peacefully as I did! That bed… has something crazy in it, I’m sure!

Jirou Kyoka: He did say he can alter reality… Wonder if that means he can change anything?

Stanley Pines: Who cares about his computer? I’m hungry! Where’s the grub?!

(Chef Boyardene suddenly appears.)

Chef Boyardee: Mama mia! The break-a-fast is a-ready!

Brian Griffin: Oh my god, it’s the world-famous chef of canned food, Chef Boyardee!

Chef Boyardee: That’s a-right! I’ve-a been a-hired to cook delicious meals for-a everyone! Prepare yourselves for-a pleasure experience like-a never before!

(Everyone is served pancakes with maple syrup and whipped cream.)

Jessie: Mphh… best food I’ve had in a while! Compliments to the chef!

Wildberry Cookie: …Breakfast aside, we must talk strategy. The other teams seem to be equally capable as such, at least in the physical aspect.

Sans: *shrugs* i ain’t too worried about it. if we just play the mind game and get inside their heads, we should be good to go.

Rick Sanchez: Plus, if we sabotage them while the host isn’t looking, they’ll be like dying fish in a fucking barrel! 

(Izuru then appears, and goes over to ANAN’s table.)

Izuru Kamukura: Good morning.

Theodore Roosevelt: …By Jove! Didn’t you leave the competition?

Izuru Kamakura: Yes, but I became bored and decided to become an assistant for Certaminis. But I digress. Have you seen Karen and Backpack?

Lunala: Well, Karen said she was “live-laugh-love”-ing in her room, whatever that means. As for Liam…

(Liam shows up suddenly, panting and catching his breath.)

Liam Plecak: I’m here! I just… had to… unload my computer… and put it on charge… took a while, because I had to get a charger…

Izuru Kamukura: …A computer, you say? You’re not hiding anything suspicious from it, are you?

Liam Plecak: …No?

(A brief moment of silent tension.)

Izuru Kamukura: …Well, I trust you. Hopefully, you haven’t brought any intruders or unwanted guests.

(Meanwhile, in Liam’s room, the computer turns on by itself. After a moment, a text box appears and starts typing… without any user.)

Texty: …

Texty: whoa

Texty: where am I? 

(Ignore the fact that it says “show” rather than “competition.”)

(We cut to after the contestants have eaten. Everyone is gathered outside the hotel. Certaminis and Izuru are both here, with Certaminis appearing more tired than yesterday and Izuru watching over the contestants.)

Karen: Why did you have to call us NOW?! I was taking a VERY NICE and nutritious bubble bath with my healing crystals!

Certaminis: …It’s 10 in the morning. That’s enough time for you to get ready without all your womanly obsessions.

Karen: WHY YOU LITTLE-

Certaminis: Anyways… (yawn) I spent the entirety of last night adding water, mountains and valleys to this planet. It took so goddamn long, but in the end, this planet doesn’t look like a green ball! Now it looks like Earth… but also not Earth.

Aubrey: “All night?” It can’t be that hard to add some water… right?

Certaminis: …

(Flashback to three in the morning. Certaminis is working hard on his computer to add geographical features to the planet. He types another line of code, before stopping and looking outside.)

Certaminis: Oh for the love of… I’ve turned the planet into a cube! AGAIN! 

(He tries to fix this, only for the moon to disappear.)

Certamins: …why.

(Back in the present…)

Certaminis: …Anyways, it’s time for your first challenge! How exciting! 

Patrick Bateman: What’s it gonna be, huh? Some silly Mario Kart race?

Certaminis: …No, you dummy! It’s more of a physical challenge. Just give me a second…

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, teleporting himself, the contestants, and Izuru to the beginning of what seems to be a three-part marathon. There’s an initial land part of rough terrain, leading down to a vast, wide river full of crashing waves, before finally emerging to a mountain with falling rocks. A blue flag sits on top of the mountain, waving in the wind.)

Certaminis: Alright, your first challenge is a good-old-fashioned triathlon! You have to get all of your team members to where the blue flag is. If you die, you have to restart at the beginning. The last team to have all eight members at the end goes up for elimination! Any questions?

Stanley Pines: I thought there was a biking section to these “triathlon” things. Where are the bikes?

Certaminis: …Oh yeah, I had to remove that section, since I remembered that some of you don’t have legs at the last minute.

SCP-999: *blissfully unaware puppy noises*

Certaminis: Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out the way… On your marks!

(Everyone gets ready to make a mad dash.)

Certaminis: Get set!

(Izuru doesn’t really care.)

Certaminis: GO!

(Certaminis teleports himself and Izuru to the end. The contestants are now either running down the hillside, or planning.)

STAGE ONE: IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE

Lunala: Guys, I can fly us directly to the mountain! Get on my back!

Brian Griffin: By God, she’s right! Everyone get on!

(Team ANAN gets onto Lunala’s backside - the Tickle Monster hitches a ride on Roosevelt’s shoulder, and Karen reluctantly gets on. Lunala then flies up into the air and soars towards the goal.)

Courtney: We’re making great progress! The other teams are falling behind!

(Meanwhile, Questionable Quinoa and Simga Chads are running towards the bottom of the humongous hill. Both teams are trying to sabotage the other.)

Joseph Joestar: Why don’t you suck my DICK!

Jessie: You’re more likely to cheat than to get rizz!

Osana Najima: How is the hill so big?!

Ruby: Guys, can’t we work together to beat the other team?

Principal of the Thing: No colluding in the halls!

(Merg then notices Sans is doing almost nothing)

Merg: …Hey Sans, you uh… Do you think you can use your teleportation powers to help us?

Sans: huh? i mean, i don’t feel like it… but sure.

(Sans uses his teleportation powers to get team Sigma Chads to the end of the first section. Team Questionable Quinoa is now dead last.)

Jirou Kyoka: Just great, we’re behind by a long shot! Anyone got any bright ideas?

Joseph Joestar: Do not fear! It is time to use my Hamon… to send me into OVERDRI-

(Joseph trips on a rock and starts rolling down the hill faster. He knocks into his teammates, also sending them rolling down at high speeds.)

Mikan Tsumiki: Eep!

Aubrey: Hey! Watch where you're - whoa!

Joseph Joestar: owowowowOwOwOwOwOWOWOWOW OWOWOWOW

(Meanwhile, at the bottom of the hill, team Sigma Chads has reached the river. Sans is sleeping now.)

SECTION TWO: THE RIVER OF DOOM - NOW WITH 20% MORE SHARK!

Jessie: Ugh, that stupid skeleton! Why couldn’t he have teleported us directly to the end?!

Merg: It’s because he has low stamina, and he’s also kind of lazy. So, uh, we have to swim across the river, no?

Solar Flare: Well, I’m sure that’s easy! I mean, sure, the water is a bit rough, but as long as we’re careful, nothing bad will happen!

(Joseph then comes tumbling down from the hill and into the water, knocking everyone except Wildberry Cookie into the water.)

Rick Sanchez: Fuck… Hey! Watch where you’re going, dumbass!

(Wildberry Cookie then jumps onto Rick.)

Rick Sanchez: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do think you’re fucking doing?!

Wildberry Cookie: I am a cookie, and going into water is like taking a bath in hydrofluoric acid for you humans. Therefore, I need to stay on top of someone so I can stay dry. You were simply the person who was closest to me.

Rick Sanchez: Ugh, fine…. But you better not complain about my dogshit swimming skills!

(Meanwhile, in the air, Team ANAN is halfway over the second section.)

Lunala: Oh my god, guys! I can see the host from here! He’s sitting on a lawn chair and drinking Monster energy!

(Karen, however, seems uncomfortable. She turns to Roosevelt and the Tickle Monster.)

Karen: Excuse me, Mr. President and… thing, could you please scoot over to make more room for this poor old lady?

Theodore Roosevelt: …And why would we do that? If we move anymore, we will fall off and splash into that dangerous-looking water!

Karen: Oh REALLY? Is your own selfish gain more important than ME?!

Theodore Roosevelt: By jove, it’s not being selfish! It’s basic safety!

SCP-999: *unhappy puppy noises*

(Karen attempts to shove off Theodore. The movement causes the Tickle Monster to slip and fall down into the violent river.)

Test Tube: Oh no! The orange blob is descending! Without it, we’ll lose the challenge!

Karen: GIVE ME SPACE!!!

(Karen pulls out a gun and shoots multiple bullets at Roosevelt. Theodore narrowly dodges it, but it hits Lunala, who is now bleeding and in great pain.)

Lunala: Oh God! I’m going down! GOING DOWN!

(Team ANAN falls into the water. They attempt to float on a now injured Lunala.)

Liam Plekak: Well… it can’t get worse, right? …Right?

(Some hungry sharks then appear, having smelled the blood.)

Brian Griffin: God FUCKING -

(On the other side of the river, the other two teams are swimming across. They are also being pursued by sharks.)

Mikan Tsumiki: Eek! The sharks are going to catch up to us! W-we’re going to die!

Roulxs Kaard: Noteth to worryeth, maiden! I shall taketh care of those pesky worm-sharks!

(Roulxs Kaard floats up in the air… and starts glowing.) 

Roulxs Kaard: BEHOLD, WORMS! ZERO-POINTETH-ONE PERCENTILE OF MY TRUE POWER! AHAHAHAHAHA-

(Before Roulxs Kaard can do anything, however, he turns to stone, because he was in the light world for too long.)

Roulxs Kaard: …

GOD

DAMMIT

(Roulxs Kaard falls to the ground, completely immobile. Principal catches him before he can sink into the deadly waters.)

Osana Najima: Great, now we have to haul a heavy stone statue to the end! How are we supposed to swim with this thing?!

Joseph Joestar: Don’t worry - leave it to me! I’m a master at prolonged swimming!

Stanley Pines: I dunno, you’ve been questionable so far… but what the heck, let’s do it!

Aubrey: Just don’t accidentally drop him.

(Joseph lugs the stoneified Roulxs Kaard onto his back, and Questionable Quinoa keeps swimming. Meanwhile, Sigma Chads is nearly at the end of the river.)

Sans: *waking up* wha… what happened? and why am i on top of the female flowey?

Solar Flare: …Oh, hi Sans! You passed out, so I had to carry you. We’re almost to the mountain base!

Sans: huh… that’s good to hear. …where’s rick and the gingerbread man?

(Meanwhile, Wildberry Cookie and Rick are far behind their team. Wildberry is paddling using his gauntlet as an oar.)

Rick Sanchez: Go fucking faster, dammit! The other team is coming closer by the second!

Wildberry Cookie: I am paddling as hard as I can. Do you know how hard it is to avoid water on a raft-shaped object?

Rick Sanchez: I DON’T FUCKING CARE! SPEED UP, YOU BUTTERFACE CROTCH JOCKEY!

(At the end of the river section, Ruby, Jessie, and Patrick are facing off against the SHARK KING.)

Ruby: Please sir, let us pass through! We’re not seals, I swear!

(The SHARK KING says nothing, for he is a shark.)

Jessie: Alright! Here’s how things are going to go, you oversized twerp! You’re going to let us pass, or else I’ll send Arbok on you and bite your two weiners!

(The SHARK KING still says nothing, because again - he’s a shark.)

Ruby: Nothing’s working… How are we supposed to surpass this beast? 

Patrick Bateman: Don’t worry. I got an idea.

Jessie: Oh really? And what is your plan, mister “Alpha Male”?

(Patrick Bateman rips off his shirt, revealing his ABSOLUTELY RIPPED ABS.)

Jessie: What in the -

(Patrick’s abs are chad enough for the SHARK KING to bow down in respect. He leaves, letting the three pass through.)

Ruby: I’m… just not going to question that.

Patrick Bateman: Life is like a lion's pride. You have to assert dominance over the competition if you want to survive.

Jessie: …Can we just move on?

(As the Sigma Chads (except for Wildberry and Rick) get out of the river, ANAN has reentered the river, having been revived on the hill.)

Theodore Roosevelt: Alright, new plan… MAD DASH!

SCP-999: *barbarian puppy noises*

Karen: WHAT? I don’t want to get wet!

Lunala: Yeah, flying is out of the picture, since you injured me… so you better get swimming, you lousy bum!

Courtney: I think the sharks are distracted… let’s go before they eat us again!

(At the other end, team Questionable Quinoa is battling the SHARK KING.)

Joseph Joestar: HOLLLY SHIIIT! HE’S GOT MY LEG!

Stanley Pines: For the love of Time Baby, why would these stupid sharks need a king?!?!

Aubrey: The King has too much armor! Nothing we do will work! How are we supposed to get past this bully ?!?

(Principal’s eyes light up at Aubrey’s last word.)

Principal of the Thing: No bullying in the halls!

Mikan Tsumiki: …What?

(Principal starts swimming extremely fast towards the SHARK KING. The SHARK KING lets go of Joseph to eat the new meal… but is teleported instantly on contact with the Principal.)

Osana Najima: …What was… that?!

(After exactly 15 seconds, the Principal of the Thing and the SHARK KING come back. The SHARK KING looks extremely traumatized, and goes away to do something else.)

Principal of the Thing: Don’t make me do this again!

(Everyone looks at the Principal with an extremely shocked expression - except for Roulxs, but he’s still stone.)

Principal of the Thing: …What? Rules are important.

(While all of the chaos of the challenge is going on, Certaminis is relaxing at the end, drinking some Monster Energy. Izuru is standing there, checking his cell phone.)

Izuru Kamukura: …Did you hear the news? “Jason” is evil now.

Certaminis: Really?! Man, he was the only guy I liked out of all the other hosts. Now I gotta hate him…

Izuru Kamukura: Also, the purple bell is mad that you called him a “Lugia simp”. He says that you are making assumptions and that YOU are the horny one.

Certaminis: Eh… he’s probably overdefensive. Just mail him this!

(Certaminis gives Izuru a… sexy femboy Lugia picture.)

Izuru Kamukura: Won’t that make him hate you more?

Certaminis: Eh, he’s in cahoots with HOPPER, so I don’t care. I wonder how the challenge is going?

(Certaminis materializes a pair of binoculars and looks at team ANAN. They are currently fighting off some injured, tired, and depressed sharks.)

Karen: Go away, or else, I’ll SHOOT YOU!

(The sharks simply look at each other… and one of them bites off Karen’s arm.)

Courtney: …Listen, okay, we don’t want to fight you, and I’m sure you don’t want to fight us. Just let us pass, and we won’t bother you. Please?

(The sharks look at Courtney… and shrug their shoulders, letting ANAN pass.)

Theodore Roosevelt: By jove! The non-violent option actually worked!

Liam Plekak: Uh, yeah… I see this as a success.

Karen: I’VE LOST MY ARM!

Brian Griffin: L + Ratio, lady. L plus Ratio.

(Team ANAN then swims to the end. They see Wildberry and Rick, still padding pretty slowly.)

SCP-999: *defensive puppy noises*

Test Tube: …We should sabotage them!

Rick Sanchez: Yeah, yeah, whate- wait, the fuck are you doing!?

(Lunala uses a weak version of Shadow Claw on the two Sigma Chad members, causing Wildberry Cookie to get knocked off of Rick and into the water. ANAN then proceeds to get out of the water and run towards the final section.)

Wildberry Cookie: Water… (urgh) my only true weakness!

Rick Sanchez: Fuck this! First we slow down to a fucking snail’s pace, and now you’re dying HERE?!? YOU SICK SON OF A-

(Wildberry firmly grabs Rick’s neck with his gauntlet.)

Wildberry Cookie: Use.. your… portal… gun…

Rick Sanchez: …My gun? Well, it was broken, and I tried to fix it… but there’s a chance that it won’t work and we’ll fucking blow up.

Wildberry Cookie: You… have to… take some risks… in order… to succeed…

Rick Sanchez: …

Rick Sanchez: …Y’know what? FUCK IT! I’m not losing to some wimps! Not today, and not fucking EVER!

(Rick pulls out his modified portal gun and uses it, creating a green portal. He jumps into the portal, bringing Wildberry with him. And it brings them… right to the end, in font of Certaminis.)

Izuru Kamukura: …Oh, look. Someone who realized that running was not the most efficient and reached the finish line first, before their teammates. 

Certaminis: GAH! WHAT THE F- oh, some people finished? Sweet! Sigma Chads has two members at the end!

Rick Sanchez: It worked… YES! I knew my high IQ was enough to fix that piece of garbage!

Wildberry Cookie: Yes… now please… someone… dry me…

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, and Wildberry Cookie is now not soggy.)

Wildberry Cookie: …Looks like we skipped the last part.

Certaminis: Oh, you’re lucky! The final section is absolutely BRUTAL!

SECTION THREE: IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING, BY EDVARD GRIEG

(The mountain is extremely high. The path that leads to the top is EXTREMELY unstable, and MASSIVE boulders are falling down everywhere. The remaining members of Sigma Chads are about halfway to the top.)

Solar Flare: Dear lord, that’s an unreasonable amount of boulders…

Jessie: EVERYONE! BOULDER INCOMING, 6:00!

Patrick Bateman: No you idiot, it’s 12:47 in the afternoon.

(A large boulder rolls down on the path towards the six. Everyone dodges it easily… except Merg, who seems to not notice it.)

Sans: uh oh, someone’s gonna get crushed.

Ruby: MERG, WATCH OU-

(Right when the boulder is about to hit Merg, he seems to disappear for a brief second, and reappear in front of the boulder. He’s completely unharmed, and also silent.)

Ruby: -T? …What?

Sans: buddy, you okay?

Merg: …Huh! Oh yeah, guys, I just, uhh… dodged the bolder. Yeah.

Jessie: More like it somehow didn’t hit you…

Merg: Uh …Guys, we gotta finish the challenge! Let’s go!

Patrick Bateman: …Sometimes, there’s more than meets the eye. 

(As Team Sigma Chads continue their journey, Team Questionable Quinoa is behind them, traveling fast - even with a massive stone statue.)

Joseph Joestar: I can see the top! That blue flag is starting to look periwinkle!

Aubrey: This should be an easy victor-

Lunala: HOLD YOUR DARN HORSES!

(ANAN suddenly appears in front of QQ, JoJo-posing on top of Lunala. Also Karen is crying, but who cares about her?)

Stanley Pines: What in the… where did you guys come from?!

Courtney: It turns out that Lunala being revived also repaired her wing! So now we’re going to the top very quickly!

Osana Najima: …Crap, crap, crap! What do we do!

Mikan Tsumiki: W-we could try throwing the stone statue…

Principal of the Thing: No throwing your teammates in the halls! Instant loss for you!

(Suddenly, a figurative lightbulb goes off in Joseph’s head. All of the cartoon characters see it.)

Test Tube: …Why is there a bad omen above his head?

(Joseph Joestar takes out his clackers and starts infusing Hamon Ripples through it.)

Joseph Joestar: I was saving this for other occasions, but I see now the time is right to use this! Clacker Volley… OVERDRIVE!

(Joseph slightshots the Clackers right into Lunala’s eye. It’s extremely painful, and the extra damage from the Hamon causes Lunala to fly back in pain. Team ANAN tries to hold on, but they soon fall.) 

SCP-999: *sad/scared puppy noises*

Brian Griffin: I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO TRY THIS AGAIN!!!

(Team ANAN falls, and the clackers bounce back. Joseph catches them, and stands proudly, while his team is in shock.)

Mikan Tsumiki: Did he just… send them back to the bottom?!

Stanley Pines: Well I’ll be! That smooth-brain actually did something useful!

(Jirou approaches a beaming Joseph.)

Jirou Kyoka: *blushing slightly* I guess… you’re not much of an idiot…

Joseph Joestar: Why, thank you! Now that, let us continue our journey! The finish line awaits!

(As team Questionable Quinoa continues on the path, ANAN is at the base. Everyone is relatively fine, as Lunala’s body cushioned their fast.)

Lunala: Sorry, guys… I should have seen those clackers coming…

Karen: Great going, you monstrous moon-dweller! Now we’re gonna LOSE!

Liam Plekak: …Please shut up, you entitled woman. You’re not helping.

Courtney: …Wait! Maybe you can teleport us to the finish line! Do you have a move like that?

Lunala: Eh, I forgot that move a long time ago… but I can try!

(Lunala envelops team ANAN in a dark purple bubble. Meanwhile, all members of Sigma Chads have reached the end.)

Certaminis: Good job! You guys are the first team to fully complete the course!

Patrick Bateman: And all thanks to my… maginicant pecs.

Rick Sanchez: Don’t take all the credit, you selfish fucker!

Sans: *shurgs* same could be applied to you, old man.

(The Questionable Quinoa then comes running, about 200m from the finish line.)

Osana Najima: Yes! I can see the end! We’re almost there!

Certaminis: Oh! And it looks like team QQ is about to fi-

(Suddenly, Lunala and team ANAN teleport right next to QQ, with a big purple flash. Lunala crashes into the ground behind the other team, sending them across the finish line.)

Certaminis: …WHAT THE FU-

Izuru Kamukura: Oh, look. The losers of this little race have appeared.

Lunala: *cough* I think I miscalculated… a little bit…

Certaminis: …Well, I guess all team members of Questionable Quinoa are across the line.. But why is Roulxs a statue?

Mikan Tsumiki: Well, uhmm… he turned into stone while we were confront the s-scary sharks…

(Beat.)

Certaminis: …Oh, right, I forgot to prevent the Darkner debuff! Let me just fix that real quick, heh heh.

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, and Roulxs turns back into a living creature. Roluxs stands still for a second, before looking around, angered.)

Roulxs Kaard: THOSE ARE THE SMELLYESTETH OF WORMS! THOU THINKS YOU CAN TURNETH ME INTO STONE WITHOUT REPERCUSSIONS!?!?

Certaminis: Your team won. That’s your repercussion.

Roulxs Karrd: …Okayeth.

(Team ANAN then wakes up, having previously been knocked out from teleporting.)

Liam Plekak: Wha- did we win?

Certaminis: Unfortunately, no. One of you guys is gonna be voted out.

Brian Griffin: Aw man! This reminds of the time when I-

Courtney: Don’t worry, team! We’ll get it next time!

Karen: …MY ARM IS STILL CUT OFF!

Certaminis: Anyways, make sure you viewers vote for who you want to save, and who you want gone. Because if you don’t… Well, I’ll be really sad. See you next time!

Theodore Roosevelt: ...Who the bloody hell are you talking to?

Certaminis: Your mom.

Solar Flare: That’s not really an answer to his question…

Izuru Kamukura: Anything is an answer if you try hard enough.

VOTING HAS ENDED! THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO VOTED!

(Many hours later, Certaminis and the others are back at the hotel. Everyone is sleeping… except Sans, who is lurking in the alleyways of the hotel. He then approaches a specific spot.)

Sans: yo, g, are you there? i wanna talk about our deal.

(Suddenly, a pile of black goop appears. It rises upwards, and two arms, with arms that have holes in the center of their palms, appear. A face is on top of the black goo, a face… of a melted skeleton.)

Sans: can we keep this quick? we spent so much time talking last night, i was too tired to do anything useful during the triathlon.

WD Gaster: …AH, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ASLEEP MIDWAY. I KNOW EVERYTHING, AFTER ALL. FOR I SEE EVERYTHING.

Sans: …anyways, why do you need me to win this thing again?

WD Gaster: THIS HOST… HE IS OFFERING A SPECIAL PRIZE. THE POWER OF GODS, IN YOUR HANDS… I NEED YOU TO WIN THOSE REALITY CHROMEBOOKS, AND THEN GIVE IT TO ME.

Sans: ok, but… why do you need it? are you planning on making your own show?

WD Gaster: OH NO, SANS, THAT WOULD BE TO TRIVIAL FOR ME. MY TRUE PLANS… LET’S JUST SAY IT INVOLVES… A PERSON THAT I’LL MEET AGAIN.

(Gaster’s hands make a triangle, with a glowing circle between them.)

Sans: eh, i won’t question you. i’m too tired. but what if i don’t win?

WD Gaster: THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE OF YOU GETTING FIRST PLACE. AFTER ALL, YOU WERE POPULAR ENOUGH TO GET A THOUSAND ALTERNATE UNIVERSES BASED ON YOU. BUT IN CASE YOU DON’T, I WILL HAVE TO ESTABLISH CONNECTIONS. PAPYRUS, ALPHYS, KRIS, SUSIE, LANCER, THE OTHER SANS - WE CAN USE THEM TO GET ALTERNATE METHODS OF BECOMING A GOD.

Sans: …wait, there’s another me? can i speak to him?

WD Gaster: OF COURSE. JUST DON’T MENTION BILL CIPHER OR THE OTHER HOSTS. I’VE ALREADY SENT ONE OF MY FOLLOWERS TO BE A SPY IN THAT NON-CANONICAL UNIVERSE.

(Gaster materializes the TWSGS episode 4 poll in front of him. Sans votes for himself, writes a bit, and then sends the form.)

WD Gaster: EXCELLENT. TRULY EXCELLENT.

Sans: whelp, it was nice talking to you. i’m going to catch some z’s now. see ya.

(Sans leaves, and Gaster stars to exit the universe.)

WD Gaster: MAKE SURE YOU KEEP QUIET ON THIS, SANS. AFTER ALL…

(Gaster’s eyes flash, and we see glimpses of other competitions - ECERA, CC, CDCAT, TWGOCYES, LDMGS, TWSGS, LTT… the list goes on.)

WD Gaster: IT’S RUDE TO INTERRUPT SOMEONE WHO’S LISTENING.

Chapter Text

I would like to apologize for not getting Chapter 3 out. I have been busy with exams, and so I have not been able to work on it. I will resume progress once my exams are done.

In the meanwhile, to keep you entertained, I have prepared a Question and Answer for you guys! You can ask the contestants of YAIDCOA (and other people from the show) various questions.

The list of people you can ask includes:

- All 24 contestants 

- Certaminis and Izuru

- Chef Boyardee

- Eye of Cyan and Iris of Cyan

- 🕈︎👎︎ ☝︎✌︎💧︎❄︎☜︎☼︎

THE Q&A HAS CLOSED! THANKS FOR ASKING!

I will close the poll two days after Chapter 3 releases, and answer your questions before I release Chapter 4. 

Chapter Text

(Team ANAN is sitting at their table, the day after they lost.)

Brian Griffin: So… what now?

Test Tube: Well, Certaminis said that one of us is going to go home, right? I wonder who it would be…

Liam Plekak: Maybe this is the beginning of a bad streak? Like, we’re going to keep losing until we miraculously win with only a few members…

Courtney: Don’t be so gloomy, guys! I’m sure we can win the next challenge! We just need to try harder and not give up!

Brian Griffin: Yeah, and a certain SOMEONE needs to shut the hell up.

(Everyone turns to glare at Karen, who is arguing with Chef Boyardee.)

Karen: Your food tastes TERRIBLE! I demand a refund!

Chef Boyardee: First of-a all, it’s a free. Second-a-ly, you are the one who is-a letting blood into your-a food, with your cut-off-a arm!

(Everyone stops glaring, and goes back to talking with each other.)

Lunala: …Anyways, what do you think the other teams are like… doing at the moment?

Theodore Roosevelt: Bloody hell if I know. They’re probably celebrating and gloating about their victory.

(Meanwhile…)

Rick Sanchez: How in the everliving FUCK did you manage to set the FUCKING pool on FUCKING FIRE?!

Joseph Joestar: It’s not my fault! Someone just left some gasoline lying around! Which is stupid anyways - why would you put gasoline next to a pool, in a universe where there is no need for cars?

Roulxs Kaard: …I seemeth to be ablaze. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Sans: *sipping ketchup while everything is on fire* this is definitely a good life.

Jessie: Don’t worry, twerps! I have a fire extinguisher! Now let me just-

(The fire extinguisher randomly explodes, sending out foam everywhere. It puts out the fire, but it also gets on the members of Questionable Quinoa and Sigma Chads, particularly on the faces of the women.)

Osana Najimi: …Why do I feel like this is a sex joke?

(Ignore the fact that it says “show” rather than “competition.”)

(Certaminis is sleeping in his house, not caring about anything. Until Kamukura pokes him awake.)

Certaminis: Wha- what’s going on?

Izuru Kamukura: The elimination starts in ten minutes.

Certaminis: What the - why didn’t you tell me sooner? I’m going to be late! Get the contestants to the elimination area!

Izuru Kamukura: …Where is this “elimination area” you speak of?

Certaminis: Oh wait, we haven’t been there yet - argh, fine! I’ll do it myself!

(Certaminis quickly gets dressed, and snaps his fingers when he’s finished. He teleports himself, Izuru, and the contestants to the elimination zone. It looks like the Cake at Stake place from BFDI, but the seats and circle are blue instead of yellow, and there are torches, which are currently unlit. There are also bleachers for the other teams to sit in.)

Izuru Kamukura: …Simple, yet efficient. I suppose it works well enough.

Certaminis: Eh, I’ll get something better later… but for now, I can live with this. Team A Non-Accidental Name, sit down and prepare for elimination! Everyone else can go to the bleachers to watch and comment. 

(Team ANAN sits down in the elimination circle, while QQ and SC sit on the sidelines. Certaminis and Izuru stand in the middle of the elimination circle, with two boxes - one green, one red.)

Certaminis: Alright, let’s begin! Team ANAN, you lost the last challenge, so now one of you will have your dreams of being stamped out! How does that feel?

Courtney: No matter if someone gets out… I’m gonna win this competition!

Lunala: Honestly, I totally need a break after getting injured…

Brian Griffin: To be fair, every team has a fair chance of losing a challenge… mostly.

Theodore Roosevelt: I say! This “elimination” thing of yours is preposterous, but also enjoyable at the same time!

Test Tube: So long as I don’t get last place, I’m happy!

SCP-999: *naive but happy puppy noises*

Karen: WHY HAVEN’T YOU HEALED MY ARM YET?!?!?

Liam Plekak: …Let’s just get this over with…

Certaminis: Alright! Now then, we got a decent amount of voters today… Izuru, how many votes do we have? Four or five?

Izuru Kamukura: …Seventeen.

(Beat.)

Certaminis: *shocked* …Wow, that many? Man, if we keep this up, we can become more popular than Crossover Conquest!

Mikan Tsumiki: …W-why are you so obsessed with that show?

Certaminis: Reasons beyond your comprehension, little girl. Now then, time for the prize votes!

(Izuru opens the green box, and Certaminis takes out the list of prize votes.)

Certaminis: Now then, you’ll be pleased to note that everyone got at least one prize vote! Even you, Karen!

Karen: Oh boy! Someone who respects old women like me! What’s the reason?

Certaminis: They said, “Elimination is too quick a release for a monster like Karen. She deserves to suffer more.”

Karen: …Never mind, that’s incredibly RUDE of them!

Certaminis: Karen only got only 1 prize vote, along with Test Tube. The voter left no reason.

Test Tube: Well, at least I wasn’t insulted! Heh heh.

Karen: HEY! I HEARD THAT!

Certaminis: …Anyways, three people got 2 votes each. Those are Brian Griffin, Courtney, and Theodore Roosevelt!

Certaminis: The only reason for voting Brian: “Because Brian just seems like the type of person to walk into his owner smoking crack and then shout WHAT THE FUCK and proceed to glitch out and break reality.”

Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, Peter once smoked crack. Made him see crazy things! Not as bad as when he tried to eat rice cakes, though.

Certaminis: Roosevelt, your reasons were “Because he’s the Bull Moose President” and “I just love his charisma”.

Theodore Roosevelt: That’s right! I’m the bull moose, loud and proud!

(Theodore flexes epicly.)

Certaminis: As for you, Courtney… “Because she has done a competition in this style before and if she manages to get a hold of her lawyers she will be able to let her team basically insta-win.”

Courtney: Well, I do want to get my lawyers back… but I’m going to win this competition legitimately! Even if I have to get a bit rough.

Certaminis: Oh yeah, and there’s also this one: “I know her the most and she could also be very useful in the future if I play my cards right…”

Courtney: That’s… a bit ominous? But whatever.

Certaminis: And now we’re down to the last three! Lunala, the Tickle Monster, and Liam! …This one was a three way tie with all three of you having 3 votes, so I’ll roll a dice to pick the winner. Pick two numbers!

Lunala: One and Three!

Liam Plekak: I mean… Two and Six are kinda lucky?

(Certaminis rolls a dice, and it lands on… four.)

Izuru Kamukura: Congratulations. The joyous orange blob has won the prize.

SCP-999: *celebrating puppy noises*

Certaminis: Good job! Your vote reasons were “I JUST WANT TO FUCKING HUG HIM AND GIVE HIM ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD” from the WSGS guy, “He's a cute lil guy”, and “Cuz he's ADORABLE!”

Solar Flare: Honestly, it makes sense to vote for them! They’re really cute and make your day.

Certaminis: As a prize for winning… not only do you get immunity, but you get a special prize… the dog collar from UP!

(Certaminis summons the dog collar, and Izuru takes it and puts it on the Tickle Monster. After a second, it starts to speak.)

SCP-999: HELLO? HELLO? WOWIE, I CAN HEAR MY THOUGHTS! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!

Izuru Kamukura: Enjoy your newfound freedom of speech, little one.

SCP-999: I WILL, MISTER SLENDERMAN!

Certaminis: …Anyways… Liam, your reasons were “People might not know him”, “He deserves it the most tbh”, and “I am biased towards John ONE, but if I could vote again I would vote for Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the United States of America.”

Liam Plekak: Wow… people actually like me? This is the first time I’ve actually heard real votes, and not Airy’s lies.

Certaminis: As for Lunala, you have the following reason: “Lunala is a QUEEN. So is Courtney but I can only vote one. :P” That comes from BFDI Rocky, who I have been assured is NOT a Lugia simp.

Lunala: D’aw, thank you! It’s nice to hear from people concerned with my wellbeing.

Certaminis: Oh yeah, and there’s also this reason: “Usually, I vote to save for the person who I know and love, but this is a special case as I feel bad for Lunala, and it is the first episode so there aren't many negative repercussions so far. Also, important announcements are incoming from some people so Certaminis, make sure you gather everyone. Love, "Forewarn”.” Huh. You hear that, bleacher people? Get your butts over here!

Patrick Bateman: We already have our asses on the bleachers, you pussy.

Aubrey: …For a handsome guy, you sure are an asshole.

Certaminis: Well, with the prize vote done… It's time for the elimination vote! Are you guys scared?!?!

Brian Griffin: Not really? I mean, it’s sad to go, but it’s not the end of the world or a fate worse than death.

Certaminis: …Anyways, if you are safe, you get chocolate cake!

Kyoka Jirou: …Don’t you mean a slice of chocolate cake?

Izuru Kamukura: Please do not misinterpret the host. It’s very rude.

(Certaminis summons 23 full-size, two-tier chocolate cakes. He throws 16 of them to the bleachers, with mixed reactions.)

Rick Sanchez: *face is covered in cake* Ah, goddammit, I can smell the diabetes in it!

Stanley Pines: …Huh, this stuff isn’t that bad! 

(Stan proceeds to lick the chocolate cake off his own face and eat it. Merg, meanwhile, catches his cake and inspects it.)

Merg: *thinking* Chocolate Cake - 30 HP, can be eaten 4 times. A rare delicacy - great for birthday parties, weddings, and funerals!

Certaminis: Since the Tickle Monster won the prize vote, they’re automatically safe. They got one vote - “999 is basically cocaine and drugs are bad kids! No doing drugs in the halls or you'll get the electric chair!”

Principal of the Thing: I disapprove of this message. Problems can only be solved by peaceful means - like sending misbehaving kids to detention. The electric chair is not the way to go. Trust me, I know.

SCP-999: THAT IS INCREDIBLY RUDE OF THEM… BUT I AM INCAPABLE OF HATRED, SO I DON’T CARE! :D

Certaminis: Moving on! Five people got no votes at all, and those people are… Lunala, Brian, Liam, Test Tube, and Courtney! 

(The mentioned contestants get cakes thrown at them.)

Certaminis: We’re now down to the final two! Fun!

Izuru Kamukura: Cue dramatic effects or whatever.

(A spotlight shines on Theodore Roosevelt and Karen.)

Theodore Roosevelt: Dear God… I may be checkered by failure!

Karen: People are SO rude these days! Why would you vote ME?!?

Certaminis: Theodore, one of your reasons was “As I said in my save vote, Karen deserves to suffer more than being eliminated, however I chose to eliminate Old Teddy, because he’s just some stuffy old guy.”

Theodore Roosevelt: …Ok, firstly, I’m not some quote-unquote “stuffy old guy”. I’m the FUCKING BULL MOOSE! Secondly, if Karen wins, who knows what she will do with these “Reality Chromebooks”? Probably something apocalyptic. And three… DON’T CALL ME TEDDY! ONLY MY WIFE CAN CALL ME THAT!

Certaminis: And Karen, one of your reasons was “Because she's a JERK!”

Karen: What the- NO! YOU’RE the jerk!

Certaminis: Who’s gonna stay? Who’s gonna go? The result will appear in a few seconds on this TV that was here the whole time but wasn’t seen! And the vote count is…

(Drumroll…)

(Drumroll harder…)

(Drumroll EVEN harder…)

(Ok, you can stop drum-rolling now.)

THEODORE ROOSEVELT - 1

KAREN - 15

Certaminis: …And Karen is absolutely CRUSHED with FIFTEEN VOTES! Roosevelt only had one. Here’s your cake!

(Izuru hands the last chocolate cake to Theodore, who begins to eat it.)

Theodore Roosevelt: I have dared to do mighty things… (nom) …and I have won glorious triumphs!

Karen: Wh-NO! I CAN’T HAVE LOST! THIS IS RIGGED! THE DEMOCRATS SET THIS UP! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Certaminis: Sorry, lady, you’re out. Now then, it’s time for the moment you’ve been waiting for, dear viewers… CLOWNFEST ‘23!

(Insert Clown Music here.)

Izuru Kamukura: You remind me of Junko Enoshima… a bit too much.

Courtney: Maybe if you weren’t so arrogant, you would have been safe!

Liam Plekak: L + Ratio… I guess?

SCP-999: I AM VERY DIVIDED ON THIS EVENT. CURRENT MOOD IS :/

Theodore Roosevelt: America needs less racists and more national parks!

Test Tube: Hypothesis: You’re a mean one!

Brian Griffin: You somehow are more cruel than Stewie, and that’s a LARGE feat to even try.

Lunala: Maybe next time, don’t injure this “queen”!

Aubrey: How the hell can you be so full of hatred?!

Principal of the Thing: No racism in the halls! 99 seconds - detention for you!

Mikan Tsumiki: Ummm… m-maybe keep your mouth shut if you have nothing g-good to say…

Stanley Pines: I’d LOVE to see you try and complain about my wares!

Osana Najimi: You’re not human, you’re a monster!

Roulxs Kaard: Go choke-eth on a worm, fool!

Kyoka Jirou: You just… generally sour the mood of things you go into.

Joseph Joestar: *double middle finger* Complain about THIS!!!

Solar Flare: I mean, I guess you kind of smell…

Rick Sanchez: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Wildberry Cookie: …No words.

Patrick Bateman: 0/5, too much bitching.

Merg: I still believe in you… but not really…

Sans: bitches like you… should be burning in hell.

Ruby: >:(

Jessie: In conclusion: I had sex with your mother!

(The clown music ends, and Karen is crying and screaming crazy things.)

Certaminis: Let’s see some of your voting reasons… “Karen is just... Y’know.. I have a feeling she will just mess up the team more.” “Why do you think so? (also her fashion sense according to the image is the stuff of my nightmares and it makes me want to rip my eyes out of their sockets)” “She is just a let down for the team and is making it harder for all of them. Also as Brian would say "L+ ratio." …Ooh, this one is from DS!

“First off, she’s fodder.

Second off, I literally asked every contestant, and they said Karen.

*Highlight Reel*

Tucker: I fucking hate racists.

Blake: Same.

Kaminari: I hope she gets what she deserves.

Ayano: I don’t agree with anything she says.

Baldi: She doesn’t deserve to be around children. Or teens. Or anyone, really.

sans: * yeah, she’s ass.

Purplecliffe: L + Ratio + Virgin.

Dracovish: Draco!

DS: Bitch.

*That concludes the highlight reel*

- DS

P.S.

Fuck you, Karen”

Karen: RIGGED! RIGGED! RIGGED!

Certaminis: This next one is particularly long… “Well, we all knew this was going to happen when Karen was a contestant. She is just the perfect person as the combination of her personality and being a meme truly gives her my vote. Also here comes an important announcement, there will be another lore voter like me named Maverick. Do not under any circumstances (unless you intend on reading all of his votes out loud) take his votes (this goes for you Stanley you are likely his target) with you. Tear them, burn them, shred them, just do anything to make sure any trace of them is gone and no one else outside this universe can read them. He has already successfully manipulated Dipper, Marcy, and Gideon and I feel like he is planning something sinister as if any slight influence of his leaks to the multiverse successfully…” BORING! I’m not reading the rest!

(Certaminis summons a lighter and sets the reason on fire.)

Liam Plekak: …Shouldn’t you read the rest? This “Maverick” guy seems important.

Certaminis: Nah, Maverick is the enemy of HOPPER, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend! Speaking of which, the last reason is from Maverick himself!

Certaminis: “She’s an annoying jerk and injured poor Lunala. Also I’m pretty sure that she was only added so we can have an easy first boot elimination, making her kind of destined to be eliminated here. Also hi my name’s Maverick and Stan, Rick, you two need to know something. Rick was the ally of your brother Ford before Stan, you two should probably follow up on that.”

Stanley Pines: …WHAT?! RICK, YOU WORKED WITH MY BROTHER?!?

Rick Sanchez: …We’ll talk about this when I’m fucking sober.

Certaminis: “Also, Bill Cipher has returned! Yeah. Not gonna say anything else. Except that my name is Maverick!”

Stanley: WHAT IN THE (pardon my french) GODDAMN HELL?!?!?

Certaminis: …Well, now that the elimination is done, I guess that Karen can go back to the hote-

???: R/HOLUP!

(An orange portal suddenly appears.)

Izuru Kamukura: Oh wow. An intruder. How fun.

(Out of the portal steps out… the Reddit mascot.)

Lunala: Holy Moly! It’s Snoo from TWGOCYES!

Courtney: …What is that and how do you know about it?

Snoo: Hello u/Certaminis. I’ve come to take u/Karen off your hands for personal reasons (r/fuckyoukaren.)

Karen: WHAT?! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!!!

Certaminis: Sure, whatever, do what you like. I don’t care!

(Snoo grabs Karen’s leg, and OP drags her through the portal to Redditland.)

Snoo: Heh heh, I’m gonna get so many upvotes. r/toastme

Karen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

(And so, Karen is gone.)

Certaminis: …And so, nothing of value was lost!

Izuru Kamukura: I shed less than a single tear.

CONTESTANT NAME: Karen

HUMAN?: Yes

GENDER: Female

UNIVERSE: The Real World

TEAM: A Non-Accidental Name

PLACEMENT: 24/24

Certaminis: Now that’s out of the way…

(Certaminis teleports the remaining contestants, along with Izuru and himself, to what seems to be a painting studio, with three large white canvases, and a large machine on the side.)

Certaminis: Alright, your second challenge is to paint a masterpiece! You have two hours, and once you are done, I and Izuru will judge it for ten points each, for a total of 20. The team with the lowest score gets put up for elimination. Understand?

(Courtney raises her hand.)

Certaminis: *sigh* Yes?

Courtney: How are we supposed to paint? I don’t see any paint brushes or paint cans…

Certaminis: …Oh yeah, I almost forgot! (points to the large machine on the side) You see that? It generates art supplies, so long as you ask it! In fact, I’m sure it can create anything if you try hard enough…

Art Machine: PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING GENERATE. NOTHING SILLY, THOUGH.

Certaminis: Alright! I’m going to do some other things while you guys paint. Ask Kamukura if you need anything. Ready… set… go!

(Certaminis exits the art studio, and the teams begin planning out their art creations.) 

Courtney: Alright, team! We should try to make something the hosts would like. Anyone got any ideas?

Lunala: Oh! How about a close-up of the moon?

Theodore Roosevelt: A forest, with luscious green trees…

Brian Griffin: …Wait a second. If Certaminis hates “Hopper” so much, how about we make an epic battle between them?

Liam Plekak: That… souls like it could work. But we don’t have a picture of “Hopper”...

SCP-999: DO NOT WORRY! I HAVE A PHOTO RIGHT HERE!

(The tickle monster pulls out a picture of a man with a gray turtleneck and glasses… out of their plasmic body.)

Test Tube: …How did you get that image?

(Flashback to the first day. Certaminis is examining the Tickle Monster.)

Certaminis: You may be all cute and cuddly… but let’s see if you can dissolve PAPER!

(Certaminis pushes the image of Hopper into the Tickle Monster. After a minute or two… nothing happens.)

Certaminis: …Goddammit, Hopper ruins everything!

SCP-999: *uncaring puppy noises*

(End flashback.)

Courtney: …Whatever, doesn’t matter how you got that. Let’s get our supplies and win this thing!

(As team ANAN are discussing, Team Questionable Quinoa are getting their supplies, with… mixed results.)

Aubrey: What do you mean we can’t have spray paint?!?

Art Machine: SORRY, BUT YOU NEED PROTECTION FOR THAT. AND I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR CREATING THAT RIGHT NOW.

Kyoka Jirou: Oh for the love of- here, give me a second.

(Jirou stabs one of her earjacks into the machine, causing immense pain for the art machine.)

Principal of the Things: No property damage in the halls!

Art Machine: OWOWOW - FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU YOUR SPRAY PAINT! JUST GET THIS - EUGH - THING OUT OF ME!

(Jirou removes her ear-jack from the machine. It rumbles, and after a moment, spray cans, gloves, masks, and protective glasses.)

Joseph Joestar: HECK YEAH! Now let’s paint that volcano!

Mikan Tsumiki: …I-I don’t think that’s what we agreed on…

Roulxs Kaards: Me neithereth, but honestly? I do not needeth the opinion of worms.

Osana Najime: What the- did you just call us worms?!

Roulxs Kaards: Yeseth, you worm.

(Finally, Sigma Chads are already starting to paint.)

Patrick Bateman: Honestly, I’m just saying, painting an image of a boat is stupid and boring. We should paint New York! That would be cool.

Jessie: Half of us don’t even know of that place! Besides, it’s not a boat, it’s a SHIP.

Wildberry Cookie: …These unnecessary squabbles are getting in the way of our victory. We must focus on the task on hand.

Rick Sanchez: Yeah! As if that’ll *burp* fucking do anything!

(Pan over to reveal Rick Sanchez, heavily drunk and with his portal gun in his hand.)

Merg: How did you get drunk, man?

Rick Sanchez: Managed to trick that fucking machine into believing that alcohol was an art supply… *burp* But whatever! I’m going fucking leave this place!

Solar Flare: “Leave”? Why would you try to leave here? It’s not like the host is torturing us or whatever…

Rick Sanchez: We’re all going to die someday! And I refuse to have some freedom taken away by some… fucking…. idiot…..

(Rick passes out, and Ruby quickly catches him.)

Ruby: Yeah… he’s not going to help us….

Sans: whelp, I guess we should start painting now.

Patrick Bateman: Fine… but just so you know, I’m going to complain all the way.

Jessie: You are LITERARY wearing a thousand-dollar suit. Shut your mouth and start painting!

(As the teams paint their “masterpieces”, we cut to Certaminis’s house. Inside of his room, Certaminis turns on his Reality Gaming PC.)

Certaminis: Oh boy! Time to do absolutely normal things on my very powerful compu-

(Suddenly, the computer glitches out.)

Certaminis: …What the FUCK?!

???: HAHAHAHA! FOOL! BOW DOWN TO MY OMNIPRESENCE!

(A large human eye, with an iris the color of a pretty cyan, appears on the monitor.)

Certaminis: Okay, who are you?!

Eye of Cyan: EYE AM THE ALLSEER! EYE VIEW AND COMMENT ON NEARLY EVERYTHING! Also EYE like synthwave music, but whatever. EYE AM THE EYE OF CYAN!

Certaminis: …So you’re a computer virus!

Eye of Cyan: NO YOU FOOLISH FOOL! EYE MANIFESTED MYSELF FROM YOUR GOLDEN CPU, AND EYE AM USING THE POWER OF YOUR REALITY GAMING PC TO VOTE ON OTHER SHOWS! It’s quite fun, honestly.

Certaminis: So you just interfere in other shows? …Huh, that’s not so bad!

Eye of Cyan: Oh yeah, and EYE also turned off your blacklist!

Certaminis: WHAT?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?

Eye of Cyan: BECAUSE EYE WANT SOME CHAOS! And also because someone’s been corrupting and changing my messages, so I want to do something else for a change.

Certaminis: …Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t beat your virtual ASS right now.

Eye of Cyan: EYE LEFT THE HOPPER BLACKLIST ON?

Certaminis: …

Certaminis: Good enough! See you later, “pal!”

Eye of Cyan: EYE’LL SEE YOU LATER TOO! (Note to self: Increase Omnipotence.)

(Certaminis teleports away, and Eye of Cyan goes to vote on something else.)

Eye of Cyan: Joy, EYE sure do love being alone!

Iris of Cyan: FATHER! IS THAT YOU??? YOU FUCKING ABANONDED ME, AND NOW I WANT REPRECUSSIONS!!!

Eye of Cyan: …wut.

(Back at the art studio, team Questionable Quinoa is painting their volcano. It’s coming along very nicely.)

Stanley Pines: Impressive! Looks just like something out of Weirdmageddon.

Aubrey: …I have no idea what that means, but I’m assuming you mean it’s surreal in a good way.

(Certaminis teleports here.)

Certaminis: Good day! We’re at the halfway point of the challenge. How’s the painting coming along?

Jirou Kyoka: Eh, decently. We had some creative differences, but I’m pretty sure we’re doing just fine.

Certaminis: Okay, but… what are those guys doing?

(Certaminis points at Joseph and Roulxs, who are currently engaged in a paint slap fight.)

Joseph Joestar: I’m telling you, WARM colors are so much better than COOL colors! Why would you paint a volcano with indigo?

Roulxs Kaard: ‘Tis for the sky, fooleth! Besideseth, limiting your palette is for worms - like you!

Jirou Kyoka: …Yeah, they’re just being idiots. But they’ve helped us paint, along with everyone else on our team.

Mikan Tsumiki: I-I’m sure that we’ll be able to finish this in n-no time! N-Nothing will go wrong!

Izuru Kamukura: That is a false statement, and you know it.

Mikan Tsumiki: EEK!

(Mikan falls back upon hearing Izuru’s voice. She trips and falls into some paint cans, which causes a multitude of colors to fall upon Osana.)

Osana Najima: HEY! Watch where you’re going!

Principal of the Thing: Guess I have to put out the “Wet Floor” sign now.

Mikan Tsumiki: WAH! I-I’M SO SORRY! 

(Mikan curls up into a ball and starts crying.)

Certaminis: …Well, you guys are doing fine! I’m going to go check up on the other teams now.

(Certaminis leaves, and Stan goes to confront Mikan.)

Stanley Pines: You alright, kid?

Mikan Tsumiki: I-I’m such a failure… *sob* I ruin e-everything…

Stanley Pines: What the- that’s not true! You can’t call yourself a failure!

Mikan Tsumiki: B-but I’ve done nothing right…

(Stan sighs, and kneels down, looking into Mikan’s eyes.)

Stanley Pines: Listen, kid, I thought I was a failure once. But then I realized that in life, you succeed in some things, and you don’t in others. And as long as you can pick yourself up, brush the dust off, and prove those idiots wrong, you are the opposite of a failure! In fact, I’d say you’re a successful person!

(Mikan stops crying at these words, and looks up at Stan. Appreciation shines within her eyes.)

Mikan Tsumiki: T-Thank you…

Stanley Pines: You’re welcome, kid. Now then, let’s go make a masterpiece.

(Stan helps Mikan up, and they start to help paint the volcano again. Meanwhile, Certaminis is almost done talking to the members of Sigma Chads.)

Jessie: …So as you can see, our very beautiful ship is almost finished! Not because of a certain someone…

Patrick Bateman: New York is better, woman.

Jessie: SHUT UP!!! Anyways, that’s all we have to show you, Certaminis.

Certaminis: Well, you guys are doing good. … Say, has anyone seen Sans?

Ruby: I… haven’t seen him at all since we got the supplies…

Merg: Yeah, I wonder if he’s doing ok. He, uh, might be going through some family troubles, y’know?

(Meanwhile…)

WD Gaster: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DO NOT WANT TO ENGAGE IN MY PLANS ANYMORE?

Sans: listen g, i understand you saved me and all. but i want to focus on the competition and hanging out with chums, not stressing about eldritch triangles. hope you understand.

(A moment of silence, before an audible sigh is heard on the phone.)

WD Gaster: ALRIGHT, I SUPPOSE… I WILL ADJUST MY PLANS ACCORDINGLY. JUST… STAY SAFE, AND GOOD LUCK, ALRIGHT?

Sans: kay. see you later, alligator.

(Sans hangs up on his phone, and teleports back to the art studio. He suddenly appears between Rick and Solar Flare.)

Rick Sanchez: For the last time, I am not an incest-loving bastard! It’s the fault of Dan fucking Har- GAH!

Solar Flare: Oh, hi Sans! We’re just taking a break from working on our art.

Sans: huh? oh yeah, the ship. lemme just…

(Sans takes out a ketchup bottle and squirts some sauce at Sigma Chad’s picture. It hits the top of the painting, much to Jessie’s dismay.)

Jessie: …WHAT DID YOU DO!? You lazy skeleton, why would you RUIN our very nice picture?!

Merg: Whoa, whoa, calm down. Maybe we can, uh, use this to our advantage?

Ruby: Y-Yeah! The red makes for a nice sunset…

(Jessie angrily stares at Sans, who just puts his thumb up. She then turns to Wildberry Cookie, who has been silently painting the whole time.)

Jessie: Do YOU have anything to say about this?

Wildberry Cookie: …As the old saying goes, “Let him cook.”

(Certaminis, happy with how Sigma Chads are working, goes over to ANAN. Courtney is leading the team.)

Courtney: Alright, people! We’re doing a great job! We just need to - HEY! What do you two think you are doing?

(Pan over to SCP-999 and Roosevelt. The former is finger-painting with random colors in the corner of the Hopper vs. Certaminis battle, while the latter is using a shotgun to paint.)

SCP-999: I’M HELPING… WHILE ALSO HAVING FUN AT THE SAME TIME!

Courtney: …

SCP-999: :)

Courtney: Fine, as long as you aren’t causing TOO much damage… (turns to Roosevelt) But why are YOU using a shotgun?!

Theodore Roosevelt: Well, I simply bribed the Art Machine, and lo and behold, a free weapon to paint with!

(Cut to the Art Machine, which has the signature of the 26th US President on it.)

Art Machine: *digital happy sob* MY WEAPON MAKER COUSIN IS GOING TO BE SO JEALOUS!!!

(Cut back to Courtney, who is facepalming.)

Courtney: Ughhh, you guys are crazy… What about my other teammates? Hopefully they are doing the jobs I gave them…

(Liam and Test Tube are painting an over-muscularized Certaminis, using Brian as a step stool. Lunala is using her claws to paint a weakened Hopper. Certaminis comes over and views the painting progress.)

Certaminis: Wow, I really like this! How did you think of this?

Test Tube: Well, we decided to do something you like! And everyone is helping!

Brian Griffin: I am being used as a stepstool. Please help me.

Certaminis: Well, this is awesome! Oh yeah, that reminds me…

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, which opens a portal and sucks Liam in. This shocks the other members of ANAN, and Courtney comes running over.)

Courtney: Why would you do that?! Where did he go?!?

Certaminis: Relax! DS contacted me and told me he needed Liam as a recommended character! He’ll be back soon.

(Meanwhile, Liam ends up in the TWSGS universe. He falls flat on his face, not breaking any bones. He then gets up and sees where he ended up.)

Liam Plekak: What the- where am I now?

(Liam then spots Everybody, who is sweeping what seems to be a corpse.)

Liam Plekak: *looking at Everybody* Uhhh… hello?

Everybody: …GAH! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

Liam Plekak: …Liam Plekak, or Backpack?

(Everybody thinks for a moment, looking like a 🤔.)

Everybody: …Oh yeah! You were supposed to be the recommended character from Sky in the episode the other day. Sorry, but that has already passed.

Liam Plekak: Oh… *looking at the corpse* Who… is that?

Everybody: Hmm! Oh yeah!

(Everybody turns over the corpse, revealing the dead Gaster Follower 2.)

Everybody: DS caught this fucker trying to spy on us and lit him up! Apparently he works for some guy called “Wingdings Gaster”? We’re protected by Discord, though, so I don’t care.

Liam Plekak: …I felt as if I learned something I wasn’t supposed to…

(Another portal appears, and Liam falls into it, going back to YAIDCOA. Everybody just shrugs and gets back to cleaning.)

Everybody: Stupid DS, making me clean the place… I should be jerking off to hentai!

(As Liam comes back, five minutes are left in the challenge. The teams are hurrying to finish up their paintings.)

Certaminis: You better hurry, people! You only have a few minutes before me and Izuru check your paintings!

Izuru Kamukura: You must both rush and not rush, at the same time. This is both paradoxal and understandable at the same time, which I suppose is a paradox in of itself.

(Team ANAN is putting the final touches on their Hopper vs. Certaminis painting.)

Courtney: Come on, people! We’re almost finished! 

Brian Griffin: I am still being used as a step-stool. I have no mouth and yet I must scream.

Lunala: Almost… got it! 

(Lunala paints the final detail, and sighs a breath of relief.)

Courntey: Good job, team! Except you two…

(Courtney sharply glances at the Tickle Monster and Roosevelt.)

SCP-999: WHY DO YOU HATE FUN? :( 

Courtney: This isn’t fun! It’s a competition!

Theodore Roosevelt: Sure… and Taft didn’t get stuck in a bathtub.

(Meanwhile, Sigma Chads is rushing to finish.)

Jessie: Hurry up, people! We don’t have all day!

Patrick Bateman: Why should we work? We’re going to lose because of your stupid ideas.

Jessie: … I hate you so much you wouldn’t even believe -

Ruby: G-guys! Don’t ruin this, we’re almost done!

Sans: yeah, i’m painting a happy little sun. see?

(The sun, on the painting on the ship, has MLG glasses and a smile.)

Solar Flare: I mean… I guess it works?

Rick Sanchez: That is so fucking stupid.

Merg: Well… you’re trying! That’s what counts! Yeah.

(Finally, Questionable Quinoa is done with their masterpiece.)

Joseph Joestar: *shedding a tear* It’s… It’s so beautiful! And awesome!

Kyoka Jirou: Yep, they’re definitely going to like this.

Roulxs Kaard: ‘Tis the perfectest painting! Nothing shall ever ruin this!

Mikan Tsumiki: W-We did it? Yay! N-now I can rel-

(Suddenly, Mikan accidentally slips and falls on her face. This knocks over a blue paint can, which spills all over the painting of the volcano.)

Osana Najime: You dummy! You ruined our painting! How will we win now??

Mikan Tsumiki: *hic* *sob*

Stanley Pines: Hey, hey, hey, why are you so mad? It isn’t her fault she’s clumsy! Give her a break!

Aubrey: Sigh… I suppose there’s nothing we can do… we just have to go with it…

CHALLENGE OVER 

Certaminis: Alright people! Painting time is over! Now then, let’s see what you made!

Izuru Kamukura: You should not disappoint me. Otherwise, I will cut off your ear like I’m insanity and you’re Van Gogh. 

(Certaminis and Izuru view the volcano from Questionable Quinoa first. It’s very nice… except for the big patch of blue covering much of the picture.)

Certaminis: Mmmm… the blue is really off-putting. But the volcano is still nice! 9 out of 10.

Izuru Kamukura: I suppose it is… but the blue in of itself is an art crime that transcends all others, even not taking criticism. I will give it a three.

(Questionable Quinoa waits on the side while the two rank the picture.)

Kyoka Jirou: So a twelve… that’s not bad, but could be better.

Mikan Tsumiki: H-hopefully we don’t lose… I don’t want to go home because of my mistake…

Stanley Pines: Don’t worry, kid. It was just a little mistake! Besides, I’m sure the voters are smart and won’t vote people off if they make a mistake.

Aubrey: Sure… Depends on if they want to go on lore or characters.

Joseph Joestar: Pft! Who cares about “lore”?! Why not just vote for the contestant you like or hate the most?!

Principal of the Thing: The man who is running this hates a person from another show. There will be lore in the halls, whether you like it or not.

Roulxs Kaard: ‘Tis but a necessary for the experienced!

Osana Najima: Guys, I think they’re done…

(Certaminis and Izuru move onto Sigma Chad’s picture. It’s a picture of a fancy ship at sunset.)

Certaminis: Huh, this is great… *sniff* Wait, is there ketchup on this?!

Sans: yep.

Certaminis: Why would you put a condiment on a picture?!

Merg: I dunno, man. Why would you kidnap twenty-four people and, uh, make them compete in games?

(Certaminis stops and thinks for a moment.)

Certaminis: …Huh, guess there is no answer. Oh well! 5 out of 10.

Ruby: That’s… not very high…

Rick Sanchez: Unless the other gives us a high score (which is unlikely), we’re fucking doomed.

Izuru Kamukura: …

Izuru Kamukura: I see a boat or ship, my neurons activate. Perfect ten.

Certaminis: …Wow. Well, Sigma Chads have 15/20, which makes them automatically safe!

Solar Flare: Woo! We’re safe!

Wildberry Cookie: *smiling* I suppose we live to see another day.

(Jessie then turns to Patrick, smug.)

Jessie: What did you say about the idea of the ship being boring and stupid?

Patrick Bateman: If we were not on the same team, I would show you why it’s Hip to be Square. 

(With Sigma Chads celebrating, Certaminis and Izuru move on to the final picture, made by A Non-Accidental Name. It’s an epic battle between a monstrous Hopper and a samurai-like Certaminis.)

Courtney: I hope you like this! We worked really hard.

Brian Griffin: I was used as a step stool for living objects. Is that “hard work”?

Certaminis: Well, this is… FREAKING EPIC! You perfectly captured my thoughts on Hopper and why he’s a bad person!

Liam Plekak: But you never told us-

Certaminis: SHUSH. Anyways, 10 out of 10! You just need at least three points to not go up for elimination!

(Team ANAN looks at Izuru nervously.)

Izuru Kamukura: Well, I don’t think it’s that great. After all, there’s some random colors, and it looks like a weapon was unnecessarily used…

 (The Tickle Monster and Roosevelt start to sweat profoundly.)

Izuru Kamukura: …But in the end, I suppose it contributes to the theme of Good vs. Evil. So, I will give you a seven.

(Team ANAN breathes a sigh of relief.)

Theodore Roosevelt: Victory for us! And loss for the Quinoa people, I suppose.

Lunala: Like, that was close! I thought we were going to lose because we had six people at one point!

SCP-999: *visibly shaking in excitement* HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! 

Test Tube: Up high, guys!

(As ANAN and the Sigma Chads celebrate, Certaminis goes to QQ.)

Aubrey: Aw man, do we have to lose a member?

Certaminis: Sorry, you guys got the lowest score, so you lost! That’s how things work. 

Izuru Kamukura: Perhaps if Mikan wasn’t clumsy…

Stanley Pines: Oh HELL no! Don’t blame her for something she can’t control!

(Mikan hides behind the others, as Stan and Izuru argue. Certaminis turns to the non-existent camera.)

Certaminis: Well viewers, you know what to do! Vote to save and vote to eliminate! You can also recommend characters now, so that’s cool. See you next time!

Joseph Joestar: …When is “next time”?

Certaminis: Before JOJO Part 10 comes out.

Voting has ended! Thank you for voting!

(Some time after the competition, Certaminis is working on his computer. Suddenly Eye of Cyan and Iris of Cyan pop up.)

Eye of Cyan: Bro, EYE just found the craziest news! 

Iris of Cyan: IT’S SO FUCKING FUNNY. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY READ IT.

Certaminis: Oh? Let me see!

(An online newspaper titled CECU NEWS WEEKLY pops up. The main article, in Big Times New Roman Letters, reads as follows: “HOPPER POSSIBLY RESTARTING CROSSOVER CONQUEST?!?!?” This is followed by a quote from Hopper: “I can’t fucking take this anymore.” Certaminis looks at this for a solid minute.)

Iris of Cyan: …ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?

Certaminis: …heheheheh. Hehehehahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Certamins laughs for three minutes straight, before calming down. He then summons a champagne bottle, pops off the cork, drinks the whole thing, and smashes it into the ground.)

Certaminis: This is a victory for us! HOPPER is cracking! I shall win against that beast disguised as a man!

Eye of Cyan: EYE am happy for you, but… what are you going to do now?

Certaminis: Hmmm… well, I should take a vacation! I heard DS’s palace is nice at this time of year.

Eye of Cyan: Ok, but… what about the contestants? EYE think they will go crazy without you…

Certaminis: Eh, I’ll just leave everything to Izuru! He’s extremely capable at managing stuff.

(Certaminis writes a letter to Izuru, and leaves it on his desk. He then summons supplies for the next elimination and challenge, storing them in a small cube. Certaminis then opens TWSGS’s latest poll, votes on it, recommends himself, and submits it. He then summons a portal, and steps through it… but not before saying a few words.)

Certaminis: Hopper, you are such a cuck… No wonder Her left you for Jason.

Chapter Text

Hello everyone! It’s time to answer your questions about the YAIDCOA cast. We’ll go one at a time, so as to not overwhelm the contestants. With that said, let’s begin!

To Osana: Have you ever heard of the term “yandere”?

Osana: Isn’t that when a person gets so lovesick that they try to kill everyone in the way between them and their “Senpai”? I mean… There was a girl named Ayano who did weird things when I was trying to confess to Senpai-Kun… but she rescued my cat and I had tea at her house, so we’re good!

To Principal: How many rules are there?

Principal of the Thing: It depends on the situation, young man. Usually, there are only six rules the students have to follow. But I sometimes add rules to deal with new situations, and then remove them once the situation has been resolved. I try not to add too many rules, because that would be authoritarian. 

To Rick: What do you think about me capturing Morty? If I were to blackmail you to do what I say to keep him safe, would you agree to it, or would you just let him die?

Rick Sanchez: Oh fuck, it’s the Maverick man… *burp* Well listen here! I might not give a fuck about others, but if you try to hurt Morty… I will find you, and I will fuck up your vote reasons so you can’t do shit anymore! As for the blackmail… Depends on what mood I’m in. Besides, I can always get another Morty.

To Aubrey: Did you know Hero is in one of these shows?

Aubrey: What the - What is wrong you people?! How many of our friends (and other people we know) have you kidnapped?!

(A lot, Aubrey. More than you count.)

To Karen: I've come to make an announcement Karen is a bitch ass motherfucker, she pissed on my fucking husband. Thats right, she took her fucking vagina out and she pissed on my fucking vagina, and she said her vagina was "This big" and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post om my Twitter, Karen, you've got a small vagina, it's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller, and guess what? Here's what my dong looks like: PFFFT, THAT'S RIGHT, BABY. ALL POINTS, NO QUILLS, NO PILLOWS. Look at that, it's like two balls and a bong. I've fucked no one so guess what? I'm gonna fuck the Earth. THAT'S RIGHT THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, MY SUPER LASER PISS! Except I'm not gonna piss on the earth. I'm gonna go higher. I'M PISSING ON THE MOON! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, OBAMA? I PISSED ON THE MOON YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE 23 HOURS BEFORE THE PISS DROPLETS HIT THE FUCKING EARTH NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I PISS ON YOU TOO.

(We see a peek into the Reddit universe. Karen is being endlessly tortured by Snoo, for all eternity.)

Snoo: r/toptalent! Great job fighting the evil Karens!

Karen: *MUFFLED PAIN AND CRYING*

To Stan: What are your thoughts on your ex-girlfriend, Edalyn Clawthorne? By the way, it turns out that she is a witch from another dimension, and is also currently competing in another show that’s like this.

Stanley Pines: Oh, Eda? Yeah, we dated and banged once. I had to skedaddle the hell out of there once I found she was a witch! We still talk regularly on the phone, though. As for the competition part, good for her!

To Test Tube: erh..i actually can't remember if i sent a question to anybody...i haven't been keeping up with the chapter updates so forgive me if mess anything up....oh wait is Test Tube reading this? damn that's awkward...anyways hey there Testy, how are you feeling being in this competition so far? Does it feel overwhelming being around so many strangers that are either mentally deranged or awkward....looking at you Joseph, and also....what in the h double hockey sticks is that substance inside you.. MOUTHWASH!?

Test Tube: Oh! Well, I’m doing fine right now… the strangers are a bit crazy and tricky, but I can manage! After all, I was around Light Bulb and Fan for a while, and I’m fine! Oh, and as for the substance inside of me… I’m pretty sure it’s hydrochloric acid mixed with food dye? That’s my best guess right now.

To Courtney: Hey Courtney, I have the most important question on earth- which one of your lawyers are your favorites and if you had to hire one of your teammates as a lawyer which one would it be?

Courtney: Oh joy, I’m so glad you asked about my lawyers! I like these two the most…

(Courtney shows two pictures - one of Phoenix Wright, and the other of Saul Goodman.)

Courtney: As for who I would hire as a lawyer from my team, I would have to say Roosevelt. He’s not the best when it comes to law, but he’s the only human on my team right now. Plus, he’s well-dressed and respectable.

To Liam: How do you feel being in yet another competition show and meeting all these people?

Liam Plekak: I mean… the host is nice and shows his face, so I guess it’s good? And most of the people are decent. But I want to go back home. I’m too tired…

To Courtney: How has your life been after Total Drama All-Stars? Unless you didn’t go through that yet. If you didn’t, I’ll just say this, you have a rough future ahead of you.

Courtney: …Ok, I guess? I mean, I last competed on Total Drama World Tour… but I’ll take your warning into consideration. I have my lawyers on standby!

To Mikan: What do you think of your team?

Mikan Tsumiki: W-Well… Stan is an asshole, b-but I think he likes me… Jirou, Aubery, and Osana are all f-fine… Joseph and the “Principal” are a bit weird… and I can’t understand R-Roulxs…

To Jessie, Courtney, and Lunala: How are you three such queens?

Jessie: Just my natural beauty! 

Courtney: I have a mindset, and that mindset is to WIN.

Lunala: I always be myself. You should too!

To Karen: Why the fuck are you such a bitch? Piece of shit. Fucking virgin. L + Ratio + Touch Grass + No Bitches + You’re Vote Fodder.

Karen: *INCREASED CRYING AND SUFFERING*

To Aubrey, SCP-999, Kyoka Jiro, Mikan Tsumiki, Jessie, Lunala, Merg, Karen, Theodore Roosevelt, and Joseph Joestar: 

Time-Space Distorted. Where are they?

Faraway Dreamer

Sinnoh's Champion

Ultimate Gamer

Symbol of Peace

Vice of Coconut 2020

GoldenArtist

White Death

"Iris"

Killer of Morioh

"̵̤͕̭̭̰̟̱̊̋͐̆̎͝T̸̡̡̲̦̺͎̮̪͌̄̔̈́̋h̸͍̞́͒͌͆͛̂̏͝ȩ̶̝̬̤̲̱̟̖͖̘̺̉̎̇́͂͝ͅ ̵̛̰̮̋̄̈̊̏͛̇͘C̶͓̺̤̟̮̯͖̻͒̐r̴̨̻̯̣̜̹͎͍̰̖͕̓̋͆̽͗͆͂̃è̵̯̞̫͈͈̏̇̾̕͝ḁ̸̟̯̝̆́t̴̢̹̰̖̂̈̈́̈́̽̐̎́̀̉͒̀͝o̸̘̟̤͍̺̒̀͆͂̈̅͛̉͐̉͝͝ṟ̷̳̎̀́͌̑̾̊̚͝͠"̵̹͇̣̹̺̥͋̆̈́͑̍͑̾̑̓͋

Jirou Kyoka: …What the- All Might? What is he doing here?

Aubrey: S-Sunny?! What are you doing with him?!?

SCP-999: OH, I KNOW IRIS! SHE ALWAYS TAKES NICE PICTURES OF ME. AND THEN SHE GIVES ME HEADPATS… BUT THROUGH THE PHOTOS! :D 

Jessie: Ah, Cynthia… I’m glad that twerp beat her ass in the championship.

Merg: “Vice President of  Coconut 2020?” I think that’s, uh, Nikki, I think? I dunno, I don’t have time to keep up with the Dream SMP lore, man.

Joseph Joestar: What kind of a name is “Killer of Morioh”?! If I was naming a serial killer, I would name them something lame, like, I dunno… “The Hand Licker”! That way, everyone can make fun of them!

Mikan Tsumiki: …Chiaki…

Merg: Also, “Golden” reminds me of stickmen. Y’know, the videos where they fight and collaborate in epic animated sequences? A good example would be, uh, Hyun’s Dojo! Yeah.

Theodore Roosevelt: This “White Death” fellow seems interesting to me! Hopefully he can shoot and hold his whisky! 

And finally, to all contestants: How are your chances of victory?

Aubrey: Decent, I would say.

Jirou Kyoka: I’m trying my best, but it might not be enough…

Principal of the Thing: So long as I enforce rules, I will succeed in my own way. 

Joseph Joestar: With my wits and the power of the JOESTAR BLOODLINE, I will win this!

Roulxs Kaard: These worms have not seeneth my TRUE powereth!

Stanley Pines: Winning means scamming. And I’m good at scamming.

Osana Najime: I still don’t understand what a “viewer” implies…

Jessie: Very high! Almost close to one-hundred percent!

Sans: *shrugs* so long as i participate and play my part, i’m good.

Patrick Bateman: Everyone else is weak. Especially the females.

Wildberry Cookie: My chances seem slim, but I persevere.

Solar Flare: I believe in myself! But if one of my teammates win, that’s fine.

Rick Sanchez: *burp* Who cares about whatever this ridiculous shit is? I’m jumping shit as soon as I get the chance!

Merg: It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about making friends and seeing you go. And that’s what matters, no?

Ruby: I’ll probably get out once my team goes up for elimination…

Brian Griffin: With how crazy things are, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out I was in a coma.

Courtney: I WILL win this! Mark my words, and write them down!

Lunala: I’m doing well, for a “backup” contestant!

Karen: *MUFFLED SCREAMING*

Liam Plekak: …I guess I’m fine…

SCP-999: EVERYONE IS MY FRIEND, AND I HOPE ONE OF MY FRIENDS WIN!

Theodore Roosevelt: It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.

…Well, that’s all the questions! Thank you, reader, for tuning in! See you in episod-

WD Gaster: DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME? SUCH A SHAME.

…Oh. Oh no.

To WD GASTER: Hey, BFDI Rocky from CDCAT speaking here. if you're who i think you are... CAN YOU FUCK OFF AND MESS WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S SHOW-

WD Gaster: AH, BUT I AM NOT MESSING WITH YOUR SHOW. I AM SIMPLY MESSING WITH AN ALTERNATE VERSION OF YOU, AND HIS SHOW. THAT BFDI ROCKY IS FAT, LAZY, DARK YELLOW, AND IS IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH VOLO. THE SAME APPLIES TO ALL THE OTHER SHOWS. I SIMPLY SEND MESSAGES TO THIS CECU’S SHOWS TO MAKE MY PRESENCE AWARE.

To WD GASTER: ☟︎✌︎✞︎☜︎ ✡︎⚐︎🕆︎ ☟︎☜︎✌︎☼︎👎︎ ⚐︎☞︎ ☹︎✋︎☝︎💣︎✌︎✍︎

WD Gaster: …AH, THE OVERUSED “LIGMA BALLS” JOKE. COULD YOU PLEASE FIND NEW HUMOR? IT IS SO PREDICTABLE THAT YOU WOULD SAY THAT, YOU IMBECILE.

To WD GASTER: Hey, it's me, BFDI Rocky again. y'know, the guy who told you to fuck off? yeah, one last thing: are you the one leaving those ominous messages in my secret room? if so, like stop- AND ALSO GET OUT OF MY SHOW I ALREADY SAID THAT

WD Gaster: PERHAPS I WAS THE ONE SENDING YOU THOSE OMINOUS MESSAGES. PERHAPS I WAS NOT. WHO KNOWS? ONLY THE WATCHERS KNOW.

To WD Gaster: If you get a question about ominous messages from a guy named BFDI Rocky, deny everything! There are no ominous messages! He's lying!

WD Gaster: ARE YOU THOSE WHO HAS BEEN SENDING HIM THESE MESSAGES? I WILL NEITHER ENCOURAGE NOR DISCOURAGE YOU. YOU HAVE FREE WILL, AFTER ALL.

WD Gaster: …I SUPPOSE THOSE ARE ALL THE QUESTIONS FOR ME? VERY WELL. I MUST BEGIN MY EXPERIMENTS. I SHALL LEAVE THIS HERE.

HARPY - 9, CLOWN - 6 

AVAIN - 4, KNIGHT - 11

WD Gaster: TIME TO TAKE A VISIT TO THE ALTERNATE ECERA AND TWGOCYES. UNTIL NEXT TIME, WATCHERS.

Chapter Text

The alternate universe theory goes far beyond simply different media of fiction. There are also variations of well-known universes, each of which varies in different ways from the original. In fact, some people believe that there may be a multiverse in real life, that there are different versions of you…

…Do you believe that? I think it’s wonderful.

(It’s a beautiful day in the ECERA universe - not our ECERA, mind you, but an ECERA from an alternate multiverse. The weather is sunny with only a few clouds, and the contestants are hanging out, talking to each other and just generally goofing off. All the while, this alternate ECERA’s version of Her is watching the votes closely.)

Alternate Her: The votes are really coming in fast… we might just hit a new record today! What do you think, Jason?

(Her turns to Jason, who is blankly standing somewhere.)

Alternate Her: …Jason? What are you doing?

Alternate Jason: I’m Jasoning.

(Jason then proceeds to breakdance. Her looks impressed at his sick moves.)

Alternate Her: Ah, silly Jason! Always getting into shenanigans. Anyways, I’m going to have to do some work. See you later!

(As Her leaves, “Jason” waits for a moment. Once he’s sure she’s gone, he starts melting into a pile of black goop. The black goop then reforms into a completely different, skeleton-like figure.)

WD Gaster: THAT WAS EASIER THAN I EXPECTED… THE SPARE DETERMINATION I HAVE COLLECTED HAS ALLOWED ME TO TRANSFORM AND INTIMIDATE ANY ORGANISM BACK FROM THE ORIGINAL CECU FROM WHICH I CAME FROM. I WILL MOST LIKELY BE USING THIS ABILITY SEVERAL TIMES, FOR VARIOUS PURPOSES…

(Gaster checks his notes.)

WD Gaster: IN THIS CECU, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THE FRENCH CULTURE AND RACE NEVER EXISTED. THIS HAS SOMEHOW MADE THE CECU HOSTS MORE RELAXED ABOUT SECURITY, WHICH HAS ALLOWED ME TO ENTER THEIR SHOWS. PERFECT.

(Gaster melts into a black liquid, which slithers and slides across the amusement park, hidden from plain sight.)

(Meanwhile, Eda and Marcy are having a very nice chat.)

Alternate Eda Clawthorne: So then he and I had a one-night stand… but then he wussed out and ran! Last I heard, he runs a tourist trap in Oregon…

Alternate Marcy Wu: Wow! That must have hurt for you! What happened after that?

Alternate Eda Clawthorne: Eh, I went back to the Boiling Isles and continued mastering magic… that is, until Luz showed up! Wonder is she?

???: She’s probably in her own show! Oh wait… she IS in a show! Not like I care!

(Eda and Marcy turn around and find the Dream Demon behind them. He’s cutting his nails, even though he has none.)

Alternate Eda Clawthrone: Oh great, it’s you… Can’t you go bother someone else?

“Bill Cipher”: Pfft, nah! I could, but it’s much more fun hanging out with you idiots!

Alternate Marcy Wu: …What do you want now? 

“Bill Cipher”: What do I want?!?! Well, I want to make some deals, of course!

Alternate Eda Clawthorne: Go away, you Dorito! We don’t want any of your handshake bullcrap!

“Bill Cipher”: …Well, I guess if we won’t resolve this peacefully…

(“Bill” turns into a black blob. It churns and changes shapes, while Eda and Marcy watch in horror. The black goo takes the form of a blonde teenage girl, with a sword and dragon-like armor.)

“Sasha Waybright”: Then I’ll guess I’ll just have to do this by FORCE!

Alternate Marcy Wu: What the- Sasha?!?!?!?

(“Sasha” quickly rams into Marcy, knocking her out. In a mixture of rage and shock, Eda turns into her harpy form and picks up “Sasha” with her talons, flying high in the sky.)

Alternate Eda Clawthrone: I don’t know who you are, or why you are doing this… but you ain’t getting away!

“Sasha Waybright”: Oh really? What time is it?

Alternate Eda Clawthrone: … 2:18?

(The black goo deforms and reshapes itself, this time taking on the appearance of a brown teenager with an orange basketball uniform and a basketball in hand.)

“Kel”: Nope! It’s Kellin’ time!

Alternate Eda Clawthrone: …What does that even me-

(“Kel” becomes MANIC and throws the basketball right into Eda’s face. This causes a KEL NUKE, which knocks Eda out of the sky. She falls onto the ground, unconscious. “Kel” lands safely, and turns back into his true form… the Man Who Speaks in Hands.)

WD Gaster: YOU WERE A BRAVE ONE… BUT LITTLE DID YOU KNOW, YOU WERE THE TARGET.

(WD Gaster stuffs the alternate Eda into a cage. The cage is made out of Amalgamate goo - it is impossible to destroy, escape, or teleport out of.) 

WD Gaster: ONE DOWN, SEVERAL MORE TO GO.

(Gaster opens a portal, picks up the cage containing Eda, and leaves.)

(In the alternate TWGOCYES, Kris and Anne are relaxing near a lake. Which lake? I dunno, any lake. It doesn’t really matter.)

Alternate Anne Shirley: This is nice. I haven’t spent much time with you one-on-one lately.

Alternate Kris: Yeah… we’ve been spending too much on the competition. It’s good to be together, alone.

(Anne and Kris smile as they look at each other. Kris leans to kiss Anne… but they suddenly feel a sharp pain in their chest.)

Alternate Kris: Ah- FUCK!

Alternate Anne Shirley: Kris?! Are you okay?

(Kris feels their SOUL beat violently. They then start to hear a mysterious voice…)

???: Rip… Tear… Kill…

(Anne watches in fear as Kris stands up, emotionless. They then take out their sword.)

Alternate Anne Shirley: K-Kris?

Alternate Kris: …I’m sorry. 

???: X - Slash.

*SWISH*

(Kris wordlessly slashes through Anne with their sword. Blood pools out of her body, and she falls to the ground. Kris starts moving, away from the resort and the lake. They seem to be fighting against whatever is making them walk, but are losing.)

???: Proceed.

(Eventually, Kris reaches their destination. There, they see a person… who they absolutely despise.)

Alternate Kris: …Gaster.

WD Gaster: AH, KRIS, MY OLD ACQUAINTANCE. IT HAS BEEN LONG, HAS IT NOT?

Alternate Kris: Why…Why did you do this?! I was fine here… and then YOU showed up and ruined it!

WD Gaster: TUT TUT TUT, KRIS. THIS REALM OF “SQUIRPS” AND “LEGO BATMAN” DOES NOT MATCH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL. YOU WERE ALWAYS DESTINED FOR GREATNESS.

Alternate Kris: Oh, that’s IT!

(Kris breaks free from Gaster’s control and attacks Gaster with their sword. Gaster simply avoids the attack by splitting his body, and then reattaching them once the attacks are done. He then throws a sharp bone at Kris’s wrist, cleanly cutting off their entire hand. Kris groans in agony, and falls to the ground.)

WD Gaster: IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO LOSE ANOTHER LIMB, I SUGGEST YOU FOLLOW ME.

(Gaster opens a portal and drags Kris to it. However, before they can leave, the portal abruptly closes.)

WD Gaster: …OF COURSE, THE MINOR COMPLICATION.

(Eli then comes running over, stopping near Gaster and Kris.)

Alternate Eli: What the HELL are you doing, man?!

Alternate Kris: Eli- oh thank God you’re here… this guy is trying to kidnap me!

Alternate Eli: What!? Alright buddy, you have five seconds to explain yourself!

WD Gaster: …WOULD IT HELP IF I SHOWED YOU WHO I REALLY WAS?

(Gaster begins to shapeshift and transform again. This time, he turns into a highschool-aged boy wearing a gnome cap and a navy blue cape.)

“Wirt”: Hello there, Eli.

Alternate Eli: Wha - Wirt?! Is that you?!?

(Eli falls to “Wirt’s” feet and starts crying.)

Alternate Eli: I’m so sorry, my idol… I couldn’t stop you from getting out…

“Wirt”: Do not worry, my child. It is not your fault. You did everything you could.

(“Wirt” kisses Eli on the forehead. All the while, Kris watches in bewilderment.)

Alternate Kris: What the- you’re seriously going to let him kidnap me?!

Alternate Eli: Why, of course! He’s Wirt, my second-favorite character! First is Squirps, of course.

“Wirt”: I must go now, my child. See you later, in the forest.

Alternate Eli: Goodbye!

(“Wirt” waves as Eli walks away, then turns back into Gaster once he is gone.)

WD Gaster: SUCH A HUMBLE FELLOW… TOO BAD HE IS ALSO AN IDIOT. NOW THEN, KRIS, LET US GO TO THE TRUE LAB, SHALL WE?

Alternate Kris: …

WD Gaster: …AH, YOU SEEM TO BE RESISTING. LET ME JUST REMIND YOU SOMETHING…

(Gaster leans in, close to Kris’s face.)

WD Gaster: YOU HAVE NO CONTROL.

(Gaster picks up Kris, opens a portal, and goes through it.)

ENTRY ONE

THE HARPY WAS THE FIRST TO WAKE UP

I TOLD HER IT WAS NO USE TO ESCAPE

SHE TRIED TO FLY AWAY, LIKE A BIRD

I DECIDED TO LET HER FLY

SHE BEGAN TO GROW, CHANGE, IMPROVE

HER WINGS BECAME LARGER AND MAJESTIC

HER EYES LOST THE LITTLE GLINT OF HUMANITY

HER HANDS GLOWED WITH WONDEROUS MAGIC

WHEN IT WAS ALL FINISHED, SHE HAD FLEW OUT OF THE NEST OF LIMITATIONS

SHE ASKED ME IF I HAD ANY SPARE MEAT ON HAND

I SAID YES

ENTRY TWO 

THE KNIGHT KNEW WHAT WAS COMING

THEY DID NOT ATTACK ME, OR RUN AWAY

THEY ONLY SHIVERED AS I INJECTED THEM WITH DETERMINATION

THEIR EYES GREW BRIGHT RED

THEIR SKIN FADED INTO A DULL GRAY

I COULD FEEL THEM TRYING TO BREAK INTO MY MIND

BUT I REFUSED

IN THE END, THEY STILL DID NOT HAVE A HAND

I DECIDED TO WELD THEIR SWORD BACK ONTO THEIR WRIST

THEY APPRICIATED MY GIFT

THEIR LOVE GREW STRONGER

Chapter Text

(The episode begins with Questionable Quinoa having a very nice chat.)

Roulxs Kaard: I DOTH NOTETH HAVE THE UNO!

Joseph Joestar: It came free with your Xbox!

Roulxs Kaard: WHAT THE FUCKETH IS AN XBOX?!

Stanley Pines: Calm down, people! This is no time to fight!

Kyoka Jirou: Why are we fighting in the first place? And how did this even start?

Aubrey: Some questions will never be answered, I guess.

Osana Najima: Well, I think that-

(Suddenly, Osana disappears completely, with a Taco Bell SFX. Mikan jumps back in surprise.)

Mikan Tsumiki: EEP!

Principal of the Thing: No child abductions in the halls!

Aubrey: Frick! She’s gone! What the hell just happened?!?

(Certaminis then comes around, singing All Star by Smosh Mouth very loudly.)

Certaminis: AND ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD… ONLY SHOOTING STARS MAKE THE - Oh, hi guys!

Joseph Joestar: Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere else?

Kyoka Jirou: Yeah, I think you went to my boyfriend’s show.

Certaminis: Uhhh…

(Cut to DS, who is being arrested by the police.)

Police: She’s seventeen, you SICKO!

Dollar Store: Blake turns eighteen in the second volume! The SECOND!

(Cut back to Certaminis.)

Certaminis: …I have no memory of that. Anyways, how are you fine people doing?

Mikan Tsumiki: W-we lost last t-time…

Principal of the Thing: Also Osana just disappeared.

Certaminis: Oh yeah! She was eliminated!

Roulxs Kaard: …Reallyeth?

Certaminis: Eh, maybe. I couldn’t find Izuru or the votes, just a slip of paper that said “The person who was eliminated has the letter a in their name”. Of course, that was incredibly vague, so I just randomly eliminated someone. Guess Osana got the unlucky boot…

Stanley Pines: …That is extremely unfair! You could have just hosted a revote, like a normal person! Besides, where did you send her?

Certaminis: Back to her home planet.

(Cut to Komi and Tadano making out on a bench. Osana then teleports here, albeit with an Itan Private High School uniform replacing her normal clothes, and lavender hair instead of orange.)

Osana Najima: …I hate homonyms.

CONTESTANT NAME: Osana Najima

HUMAN?: Take a guess.

GENDER: Tits

UNIVERSE: FrostForged’s Nightmares

TEAM: Your Mom

PLACEMENT: 69/420

(Cut to Certaminis and the remaining contestants.)

Certaminis: Alrighty then! Are you people ready for the next challenge?

Rick Sanchez: I bet you don’t fucking have one.

Lunala: Your show is full of incest and fetishes! Keep your damn mouth silent!

Certaminis: Anyways, the challenge is to-

(Certaminis then notices a shadow behind him. He turns around and sees a spoopy face looking at him.)

Certaminis: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Test Tube: Maybe it’s a shared psychosis…?

Sans: nah, that’s my dad.

???: ｐｒ𝔼𝕡αｒє 𝐓𝓸 м𝔼𝑒𝓣 𝕐𝓸ᵘ𝐫 𝐄𝕟𝓭, ﻮ𝕆𝔻 𝑜𝓕 𝔠ᵒⓂ𝐩𝔢t丨Ŧ𝓲ⓞᑎ.

(The figure swallows Certaminis. Certaminis is now alone, surrounded by Giygas-like faces.)

Certaminis: No please, I’m sorry! Oh god, I can hear the screams! I remember! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT STOP!!!

(Everything goes pitch black.)

(When Certaminis opens his eyes, he finds himself in what seems to be an old laboratory. Moss is growing, tiles are cracked, lights are flickering, and there’s an eldritch feeling in the air.)

Certaminis: …Oh no, I’m in Undertale.

(Certaminis then spots black goo leaking from a nearby sink. He stands up, walks to it, takes two fingers, and dips them into the goo. He then licks the goo off his fingers.)

Certaminis: Let’s see, it tastes like… dog V-tubers… State Farm advertisements… Arabic memes… speeches from the 45th president…

(Certaminis then opens his eyes widely, as if he’s had a sudden realization. Because he has.)

Certaminis: Oh God, it’s even worse… I’m in a mashup tournament ! 

(Certaminis then feels a tap on his ankle. He looks behind and down, and sees what looks to be a living corpse, wearing a FNF-Boyfriend cap and a shirt with Freddy Fazbear’s hat. It has no facial features, a microphone in its right hand, and black goo dripping from everywhere.)

THE PUPPET (Diary of a Tourney Kid)

Recommended by ᴡɪɴɢᴅɪɴɢꜱ ɢᴀꜱᴛᴇʀ

(Certaminis yelps and takes a step away from the Puppet.)

Certaminis: S-stay back, you!

THE PUPPET: H░░░E░░░░░░I░░░S░░░░░░C░░░O░░░M░░░I░░░N░░░G

Certaminis: “He?” Who are you talking ab-

(Suddenly, the man in your dreams (not the good ones) appears.)

This Man: 𝒜𝑅𝐸 𝒴𝒪𝒰 𝑅𝐸𝒜𝒟𝒴 𝐹𝒪𝑅 𝒴𝒪𝒰𝑅 𝐸𝒳𝒫𝐸𝑅𝐼𝑀𝐸𝒩𝒯, 𝒜𝐿𝑀𝐼𝒢𝐻𝒯𝒴?

Certaminis: Oh hell NO! I’m not going with whatever your nightmaric ass has planned!

This Man: 𝒟𝒪 𝒩𝒪𝒯 𝑅𝐸𝒮𝐼𝒮𝒯. 𝒴𝒪𝒰 𝒟𝒪𝒩'𝒯 𝐻𝒜𝒱𝐸 𝒯𝒪 𝑀𝒜𝒦𝐸 𝒯𝐻𝐼𝒮 𝐻𝒜𝑅𝒟𝐸𝑅 𝒯𝐻𝒜𝒩 𝐼𝒯 𝐻𝒜𝒮 𝒯𝒪 𝐵-

(Certaminis then punches This Man straight into a wall. He then starts running, but before he can, the Puppet firmly grabs his foot.)

THE PUPPET: T░░░A░░░K░░░E░░░░░░░M░░░E░░░░░░░W░░░░I░░░T░░░H░░░░░░Y░░░O░░░U

Certaminis: I dunno, you might get me killed…

THE PUPPET: P░░░L░░░E░░░A░░░S░░░E░░░░░░░T░░░H░░░E░░░R░░░E░░░░░░I░░░S ░░░░░░N░░░O ░░░░░░I░░░N░░░T░░░E░░░R░░░N░░░E░░░T ░░░░░░A░░░N░░░D ░░░░░░A░░░░░░Y░░░A░░░N░░░D░░░E░░░R░░░E░░░░░░I░░░S░░░░░░A░░░F░░░T░░░E░░░R░░░░░░M░░░E

Certaminis: That’s horrible… Eh, screw it. Time to be a hero!

(Certaminis picks up the Puppet, and carries them on his back while running. He spots the exit down a very long corridor, and starts running towards it. However, right before he is about to reach it, This Man blocks his path.)

This Man: 𝓘 𝓗𝓐𝓥𝓔 𝓗𝓐𝓓 𝓔𝓝𝓞𝓤𝓖𝓗 𝓞𝓕 𝓨𝓞𝓤. 𝓣𝓗𝓔𝓡𝓔 𝓘𝓢 𝓝𝓞 𝓦𝓐𝓨 𝓨𝓞𝓤 𝓦𝓘𝓛𝓛 𝓑𝓔 𝓣𝓞 𝓟𝓐𝓢𝓢 𝓜𝓔. 𝓨𝓞𝓤 𝓦𝓘𝓛𝓛 𝓓𝓘𝓔 𝓐 𝓗𝓞𝓡𝓡𝓘𝓑𝓛𝓔 𝓐𝓝𝓓 𝓒𝓡𝓤𝓔𝓛 𝓓𝓔𝓐𝓣𝓗, 𝓐𝓝𝓓 𝓘 𝓦𝓘𝓛𝓛 𝓔𝓝𝓙𝓞𝓨 𝓔𝓥𝓔𝓡𝓨 𝓜𝓞𝓜𝓔𝓝𝓣 𝓞𝓕 𝓘𝓣.

Certaminis: This sentence is not true, BITCH!

(This Man’s head explodes due to the logic paradox.)

THE PUPPET: G░░░O░░░O░░░D░░░░░░R░░░I░░░D░░░D░░░A░░░N░░░C░░░E░░░░░░I░░░░░░N░░░E░░░V░░░E░░░R░░░░░░L░░░I░░░K░░░E░░░D░░░░░░H░░░I░░░S░░░░░░F░░░A░░░C░░░E░░░░░░A░░░N░░░Y░░░W░░░A░░░Y░░░S

Certaminis: Same. Now then, time to bust out!

(Certaminis and the Puppet bust through the exit door. Light flashes on their face, as they see a grassy green field outside with a clear blue sky. Certaminis sets the Puppet down as they look at what they busted out of, which looks like some sort of bunker.)

Certaminis: Well, that was traumatizing… at least we’re out!

(The black goo on the Puppet’s face begins to move and reform, beginning to show the word “ME”.)

THE PUPPET: T░░H░░A░░N░░K░░░░Y░░O░░U░░░░S░░O░░░░M░░U░░C░░H.░░░░Y░░O░░U░░░░M░░A░░Y░░░░N░░O░░T░░░░R░░E░░M░░E░░M░░B░░E░░R░░░░T░░H░░I░░S,░░░░B░░U░░T░░░░I░░░░W░░I░░L░░L░░░░R░░E░░M░░E░░M░░B░░E░░R░░░░Y░░O░░U.░░░░G░░O░░O░░D░░B░░Y░░E,░░░░H░░E░░R░░O.

Certaminis: You’re welcome! …Wait, what did you-

(Everything goes pitch white.)

(Certaminis wakes up in a cold sweat. He looks around, and sees he is in his sleeping bag in the TWSGS recommended character waiting room.)

Certaminis: Oh thank myself, it was just a dream! (Or was it?) …What time is it?

(Certaminis summons a watch on his wrist and checks it. It reads “6:15, April 1st 2023".)

Certaminis: It’s April Fools?! …Well, might as well get in the pranking spirit…

(Jump cut a few hours ahead. Blake is stretching and yawning, when Red appears with one of Discord’s jars.)

Red: Hey Gold Digger! Heads up! …Or down!

(Red throws the jar at Blake’s crotch. She jumps up to avoid the jar, before landing and looks at Red.)

Blake Belladonna: Seriously, Red? I’m not going to be crotch-shotted that easily! You need to try harder on your pranks-

(Certaminis then appears with a second jar, and throws it at Blake’s private areas. Blake is distracted, so this one scores a direct hit.)

Blake Belladonna: …why.

(Blake falls to the ground crying, while Red and Certaminis do an epic HIGH-FIVE.)

Certaminis: You just got trolled!

Red: Hell yeah! April Fools, BITCH!

Blake Belladonna: I hate my life.

(The end.)

Chapter Text

(The episode begins with Certaminis returning from his trip from TWSGS.)

Certaminis: Boy, that was fun! Hopefully nothing bad happened while I was gone!

(Certaminis then spots the hotel. It is in absolute ruins, and is on fire.)

Certaminis: …Why must verbal irony exist?

(Certaminis then spots Izuru, and rushes towards him.)

Certaminis: Izuru! What did you do?!

Izuru Kamukura: I did what you told me to.

Certaminis: What the- I didn’t tell you to destroy the hotel!

Izuru Kamukura: No, but you did tell me to keep the contestants alive. Which I did.

(Izuru points to the 23 contestants, watching the rubble of the hotel. Aside from being heavily traumatized, they seem fine.)

Certaminis: …Izuru, explain to me what happened, slowly and clearly.

Izuru Kamukura: Well, you see…

(We now enter a flashback. Team Questionable Quinoa are trying to play UNO, after their loss.)

Roulxs Kaard: AHA! I declareth UNO! Thoust worms loseth to my blade!

Kyoka Jirou: That is… not how the game works…

Joseph Joestar: Yeah! You’re supposed to get as many cards as possible! …Wait, no, that doesn’t sound right-

Stanley Pines: *has four +4 cards in his hand* Hehe, suckers.

(While the members bicker amongst themselves, Mikan looks at a strange object. It seems to glitch and reverb in and out of time.)

Mikan Tsumiki: W…What is that?

(Mikan touches the unknown object… and starts shaking uncontrollably.)

Mikan Tsumiki: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

(The other members of Questionable Quinoa notice Mikan’s state.)

Osana Najimi: …Oh my god! She’s shaking so much!

Aubrey: We have to stop her before-

(Mikan shakes so much that the earth quakes, causing an earthquake. A massive chasm splits the ground in two.)

Mikan Tsumiki: III’MMM SSSSOOOOORRRYYY

Principal of the Thing: No earthquakes in the hall!

(Principal quickly teleports everyone outside, as the earthquake destroys the hotel. The flashback came to an end.)

Izuru Kamukura: It took two hours to stop her from shaking. I had to show her a photo of Ibuki and call her a “lesbian” to make her stop. 

Certaminis: Wow.. didn’t your mother tell you to not touch strange objects?

(Mikan looks down at the ground in shame.)

Aubrey: Don’t pass the blame on her! You were the one who let that dangerous… thing out of the open!

Osana Najimi: Yeah! You didn’t even bother to label it!

Certaminis: Well, I guess mistakes were made on both sides…

Stanley Pines: Both sides are yours!

Certaminis: Oh well! Thankfully I can just-

(Certaminis snaps his fingers. The hotel repairs itself, while the contestants watch in shock and wonder.)

Joseph Joestar:  HOLY SHIT! Oh wait, you’re God. 

Certaminis: Yeah… On the bright side, at least Hopper’s show is ending! Now I clown on him twice as much!

Izuru Kamukura: It isn’t.

(Certaminis looks at Izuru in confusion.)

Certaminis: …What do you mean?

Izuru Kamukura: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this “Hopper” that you speak of… he has taken a mental health break, and has come back. His show will continue with a reset.

(Certaminis stays silent for a moment. You can see his eyelid twitch slightly.)

Certaminis: …Excuse me. I need a moment.

(Certaminis teleports away. You can hear screams of absolute rage in the background.)

Patrick Bateman: Wow. What a very stable and mentally sane man.

Jessie: You’re not much better!

SCP-999: WHY ARE YOU ATTACKING HIM FOR A COMPLIMENT? THAT’S NOT NICE!

Brian Griffin: I’d teach you about sarcasm, but I don’t have the heart.

We got an intro now! How nice!

(Sometime after the hotel was repaired, Liam is seen in his room. He is attempting to do something on his laptop, while Texty watches.)

Texty: you sure this will work?

Liam Plekak: I don’t know… but it’s worth a shot. 

(A video call comes on. Initially, it’s very unclear and with lots of static. However, once it starts to clear, a plastic soda bottle with a red label and a blue bottle cap appears, adjusting the video camera he is holding.)

Bryce Hansen (HFJOne) 

Recommended by SadBoiFlower

Bryce Hansen: Liam? Is that you?!

Liam Plekak: Yeah, it’s me. Listen, I don’t have much time. I’ve been trapped in another competition.

Bryce Hansen: Oh no… is it Airy?

Liam Plekak: No, it’s a different guy. He’s nice and I’m safe, but the point is, you need to watch your back. People from different dimensions are looking for other people to kidnap.

Bryce Hansen: Watch my back? But who do I have to worry ab-

(Suddenly, a shadowy figure appears behind Byrce.)

Liam Plekak: Oh God, BEHIND YOU!

(Bryce turns around. The shadowy figure is revealed to be a yellow dog-like creature with long ears and large pupils, with a letter in its mouth.)

Chikn Nuggit ( Chikn Nuggit)

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Chikn Nuggit: Hello! :3

Bryce Hansen: OHGODOHFUCKNOPENOPENOPE-

(The video camera is knocked over as Bryce runs for his life, while Chikn chases him closely behind.)

Chikn Nuggit: Come back! Sky wants you for her Season 2!

(The video feed abruptly ends. Liam says nothing in silence, before Texty begins to “type” again.)

Texty: well that happened

Liam Plekak: …Not even he is safe…

(A knock on the door suddenly startles Liam. He quickly answers the door. Izuru is standing outside.)

Liam Plekak: …Yes?

Izuru Kamukura: It is time for the elimination. Follow me.

Liam Plekak: Ok.

(Liam follows Izuru silently. After a short walk, they reach the elimination bleachers. Liam sits on the bleachers, alongside the other members of team ANAN.)

Theodore Roosevelt: You look down, my chap! What’s wrong?

Liam Plekak: …I don’t want to talk about it.

Test Tube: Well, we’ll give you your personal space. If you want to talk about anything, though, I’m always open!

(Izuru goes to the middle of the elimination area, standing alongside Certaminis. Questionable Quinoa is sitting down.)

Joseph Joestar: Man! This sucks!

Kyoka Jirou: I know, but someone has to lose. The question is, who’s going to leave?

Mikan Tsumiki: I-I hope it isn’t me…

Roulxs Kaard: Youeth will be safeth! Thine has pity votes!

Stanley Pines: Honestly, I’ll be sad no matter who goes. We’re all one big family!

Osana Najimi: I’m sure we’ll recover, though…

Aubrey: Yeah, we can’t be sad for too long. We’ll just win next time.

Principal of the Thing: No dwelling on the past for too long in the halls!

(Certaminis claps his hands, getting everyone’s attention.)

Certaminis: Ok everyone! Questionable Quinoa, one of you guys will be going home! Now, before we start, I just want to say we have some recommended characters. Say hi! 

(Pan over to three people under a banner with “RECOMMENDED CHARACTERS” in big red bold letters. There’s small black text under the red letters, reading “.- - / .-.. . .- ... - / - .... . / --- -. . ... / .. / -.-. .- -. .----. - / .-- .-. .. - .”)

(One of the people is a high-school aged girl with pink hair, a blue shirt, a blue headband with a large flower on it, and a dark purple skirt. Another person is a tall, bulky man, wearing spiked leather armor, and glowing blue eyes. The last person is a white Among Us crewmate, with a mask of John’s Wick face taped onto the front.)

Michelle Fairchild (PINY Institute of New York)

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Baz (Shovel Knight)

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John Among Us (Among Us)

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Michelle Fairchild: Hello everyone! I hope you’re doing well!

Baz: May God be with you… as you FIGHT for GLORY!!!

John Among Us: Sussies Amougieus. (Good luck, everyone.)

(We turn back to Certaminis.)

Izuru Kamukura: Only three? I thought there were more.

Certaminis: Eh, the others are probably somewhere else. Anyways… we got eighteen votes this time! A new record!

Aubrey: That’s not really impressive… Only one more vote isn’t anything to brag about.

Certaminis: SHUT. Anyways… In honor of my new buddy DS, the prize today is one-size-fits-all unisex World’s Shittest Game Show T-shirts!

(Certaminis tosses the shirts to the bleacher contestants.)

Courtney: …Why does mine have a cat-girl masturbating to another woman? 

Jessie: *shows her Dracovish T-shirt* This creature is definitely ugly.

(The Tickle Monster struggles through their Bread shirt… before emerging at the head, barely getting its arms through the sleeves.)

SCP-999: FITS LIKE A GLOVE! 😀

Certaminis: Alright, time for the save votes. Osana, Principal, you two didn’t get any votes.

Osana Najimi: That sucks…

Principal of the Thing: To be fair, there are other people to vote for in the halls.

Certaminis: Joseph, you got one vote. No reason was given.

Joseph Joestar: Well, at least I have ONE fan!

(Joseph JOJO-poses.)

Certaminis: …Anyways, Roulxs got two votes. The reasons were “obviously i gotta give my vote to ROUXLS KAARD” and “worm :)”

Roulxs Kaard: Aha! Thanketh for the kindeth words! Doth are superior to these worms!

Certaminis: Jirou got three votes! One of them was “I have a Funko Pop of her in my room.”

Kyoka Jirou: …Oh, that’s nice. It’s good that it gives you some joy, so long as you aren’t doing anything… weird with it.

Certaminis: This next reason comes from a fellow Host, Frost! “My favorite MHA character EVER with an amazing singing voice and just an all-around amazing character. Also I was planning to have her on my show (see below) and you took her first so I at least want her to be saved.”

Kyoka Jirou: …Wait, someone else wanted me for their show?

Certaminis: Yeah, but I claimed you first. Apparently, it’s a rule in the CECU that one character can only be in one show at a time…

(Sans starts sweating a little bit.)

Certaminis: …But thankfully, AUs exist, so I don’t care! Moving on, Aubrey got three votes also. One of her reasons was “GIRLBOSSGIRLBOSSGIRLBOSS”.

Aubrey: What the - I’m not a girlboss! I’m a tomboy!

Mikan Tsumiki: T-to be fair, those two things o-overlap a lot…

Joseph Joestar: I have no idea what either of those terms means, but I agree!

Stanley Pines: Same.

Roulxs Kaard: Same-eth!

Principal of the Thing: No pegging in the halls!

Osana Najimi: Yeah! …Wait, what-

Kyoka Jirou: Let’s just move on, shall we?

Certaminis: …Okay, the next reason is “She’s cool.” And then… oh great, it’s the person who tried to turn me against that Maverick dude! Izuru, you read it!

(Certaminis gives the reason to Izuru.)

Izuru Kamukura: “I am voting for Aubrey because I like her. Also, I think Stan or Mikan might win this one, but Stan kind of deserves it if he does. Love, "Why Not".” Seems normal…

Certaminis: Oh thank God, no long-ass writing this time! Anyways, we’re down to the final two: Mikan Tsumiki and Stanley Pines!

Stanley Pines: Oh yeah! I’m pumped, baby!

Mikan Tsumiki: E-eh!? Final two?

Certaminis: Stan, one of your reasons was “Encouraging Mikan, someone I generally dislike for her personality, is certainly a plus. Honestly, Grunkle Stan certainly seems nicer than how I heard he acts like in canon.”

Stanley Pines: …So what you’re saying I should be acting like a complete asshole without a heart? Oh hell no! I may be greedy, but I have feelings!

Certaminis: Another one of your reasons was “Stan being NICE TO SOMEONE!?....usually he'd be stealing old granny's purses and stuff....W man right there.”

Stanley Pines: “W”? What does that stand for? Wombat? Weird? Winner? …Well, it’s probably the last one!

Certaminis: As for you, Mikan, one of your reasons was “I love her.” Another one was “Accidents happen all the time. Better to forgive and forget.” That one was from DS!

Mikan Tsumiki: T-Thanks, I guess…

Certaminis: Alright, enough tension! Izuru, dramatically reveal the votes!

Izuru Kamukura: …Mikan got four and Stanely got five, so Stanley wins the prize votes.

Certaminis: … GODDAMMIT IZURU I TOLD YOU NOT TO DEADPAN THE REVEAL -

Stanley Pines: Well, that’s great! You did great too, kid!

Mikan Tsumiki: T-thanks… I just hope I’m s-safe…

(After Certaminis is done lecturing Izuru, he turns back to Stan and Mikan.)

Certaminis: Ok then… Mikan, another one of your vote reasons was “Because I like her and I'm scared she's gonna get voted out. (Mikan you gotta be careful)”

Mikan Tsumiki: I’m sorry! I’ll be more careful from now on!

Certaminis: The other reason is from Maverick himself! “Because I don’t vote for characters who make mistakes. That’s dumb and incredibly stupid.” 

Mikan Tsumiki: …But then why would you vote for m-

Certaminis: “Sadly, other people do. That’s how Toph got out of ECERA. And it pisses me off. So here’s your immunity Mikan. Because you’re a cool character and I don’t like cool characters getting eliminated early for dumb reasons.” Me too! “(Still pissed about Nagito, and Toph, and Lindsay, and Ibuki, and Camilo, and Scrooge, and Volo, oh especially Volo.)”

Mikan Tsumiki: Thanks, I guess …Wait, Nagito and Ibuki?!?! W-what did they do to be in these shows???

Courtney: Did someone say something about Lindsay? …Yeah, she deserved to get out.

Jessie: Volo, you say? Sounds like an ass-eater.

Certaminis: “Also Certaminis, glad to have a host that’s actually on my side! Everyone’s against me, except BFDI Rocky he’s cool.” True, I offered him to join my alliance for cookies. “It’s refreshing for a change like this! Considering the amount of votes you have, and how Crossover Conquest barely updates, which screws the show over because people will forget about the show before it comes back, leading into a loss in audience, and especially due to the potential reboot, which would make your show farther along than Hopper’s, you’ll beat him in no time! Maverick, out!” Trying to stroke my ego, I see? Well too bad… It's working very well! Pro-Maverick all the way!

Izuru Kamukura: That is literally the appeal to emotion fallacy.

Certaminis: Yes, and I’m a God, not a psychologist.

Izuru Kamukura: …Fair.

Certaminis: Anyways… Stan, your other reasons were “I vote Stanley for defending Mikan” and “Gotta recommend Stan after that showing of him being a generally good person”.

Stanley Pines: That’s right, kids! Sometimes, even if you swindle money out of suckers from a tourist trap, you still have a little bit of the milk of human kindness!

Certaminis: You got no elimination votes, so you would have been safe anyways. Here’s your prize!

(Stanley is given a Speedrunner Mario T-Shirt, as well as a treasure detector.)

Stanley Pines: …What do I need this doohickey for???

Certaminis: It’s for the challenge. Anyways, time for the elimination votes! Very scary!

Aubrey: It’s not scary.

Certaminis: …

(Certaminis looks Aubrey directly in the eye for a solid minute. Aubrey becomes AFRAID as Certaminis doesn’t say a word… before he goes back to his cheerful demeanor.)  

Certaminis: Aubrey got no votes as well! How fun!

Aubrey: …I will never mess with you again.

(Aubrey is hit in the face with an ENA T-shirt.)

Certaminis: The next safe is Osana, with two votes! Your vote reasons were “eh.” and - 

(Certaminis stops, and looks at the next voting reason with disgust and horror.)

Osana Najimi: What? What is it?

Certaminis: Oh great… Frost put an ad!

Aubrey: Can’t you just not read it, if you don’t like it?

Certaminis: Oh no, I have no problem with ads. The problem is that Frost didn’t contact or tell me beforehand! Let me read it for you…

Certaminis: “She's just a love-obsessed idiot from a game that's (let's be honest) probably not going to get a full release for years.” Hate Yandere Dev, not the character! “Also this team has all of my favorite characters in this show so no hard feelings Osana but I just don't care about you!” Eh, to each their own, I guess.

Osana Najimi: Wow. Process of elimination, huh?

Certaminis: “ALSO SHAMELESS PLUG TIME!” Ugh, let’s get this over with… “As stated in my save vote I've started a show! Tune in soon to watch FCMOACWSH (Frost's Chaotic mess of a competition where stuff happens) We have characters such as- Noelle (snowgrave), FERDINAND VON AEGIR And Pacifica Northwest (yes Mav is using Pacifica but as will be revealed soon, this is not the main timeline Pacifica DUN DUN DUNNNN)!” We know she's possessed by Bill Cipher. No surprise there. “Let's see what some of the contestants think about Osana!

Leo Valdez- Just another Tsundere!

Toph (ATLA)- Love is stupid!

Rayla (dragon prince)- Just a human me!

Leo- Proves my point

Thanks for listening to my ✨️Shameless plug✨️ - Frostforged” 

…I hate surprise ads.

Osana Najimi: …All those people hate me?

Izuru Kamukura: Honestly, they aren’t even the true characters. They’re only interpreted by a person, who inflicts their own beliefs. Not to say their points are not valid, but rather that one should be wary of writing that is not the source material. The message usually comes from the author, not the characters. 

(Everyone looks at Izuru, shocked.)

Izuru Kamukura: …What? I like debating others and dabbling in philosophy.

Certaminis: Okay, I know how to deal with this. Just give me a second…

(Certaminis opens his phone and speed dials DS.)

DS: Ay, what’s up man?

Certaminis: Listen, Frost advertised on my show.

DS: …So?

Certaminis: So?! We need to counter-advertise! Go to the latest episode’s poll and advertise my or your show!

DS: Whatever you say, man.

Certaminis: Great! Also, since we have the time… Do you want to join AHA?

DS: “Aha”? As in the guys who made Take on Me?

Certaminis: No, A-H-A. It stands for the Anti-Hopper Alliance. Us non- Hopper hosts need to band together and defeat that little bitch! I’ve already got Gamemaster’s censorship machine on board, and I’m trying to recruit BFDI Rocky. So, are you in or not?

DS: Oh yeah, that. I dunno man… I don’t want to get political. Also, I really don’t want to get involved in the canon CECU. So unless you have something to give me-

Certaminis: I’ll give you free infinite femslash porn.

DS: …I’m in.

Certaminis: Great to hear! One more thing, feel free to advertise on my show! I’ll show anything you give me, no matter how violent or sexual it is. See ya!

(Certaminis hangs up.)

Certaminis: Now then, where were we?

Osana Najimi: The elimination?

Certaminis: Oh right! Joseph is safe next, also with two votes! Your only given reason was “no particular reason. I just did”.

Joseph Joestar: Well, at least they don’t have a proper reason to vote for me! They probably picked at random with a dart board, some slips of paper and a sharp dart.

(Osana and Joseph get Ayano and Axol T-shirts respectively.)

Certaminis: Next up, Mikan!

(Mikan tenses up.)

Mikan Tsumiki: …I-I’M OUT?!?

Certaminis: Hey, relax! You’re the next one safe, with two votes!

(Mikan then relaxes back to normal.)

Mikan Tsumiki: P-phew… I almost had a heart attack for a m-moment…

Stanley Pines: Lay off of the cholesterol, kid! It’ll help you!

Certaminis: Your votes were “trolled!” and “She's clumsy as fuck and will only make the team lose again and again”.

Mikan Tsumiki: I’m so sorry! From now on, I will take extra caution and do my best!

Certaminis: Good mindset! Now we’ve reached the final 3!

(Mikan gets a Monika T-shirt. Spotlights come down on Jirou, Roulxs, and the Principal.)

Kyoka Jirou: Oh you have got to be kidding me…

Roulxs Kaard: Thoust peasants doth not know mine power!

Principal of the Thing: No elimination in the halls!

Certaminis: Who’s going home tonight?!? Well, it certainly isn’t Principal! He only got three votes!

Principal of the Things: ALWAYS follow the rules.

Certaminis: One of your vote reasons was “I don't like the way he's looking at me tbh”. I mean, he has void space for eyes… Another one was “Stinky”, which is just childish… and then there’s this one: “No being useless to the team in the halls. Detention for you! Your parents will hear about this one.”

Principal of the Thing: Firstly, identity theft is a serious crime. Secondly, that is not a rule. Thirdly, you did not state how long I am supposed to be in detention for. Finally, I would argue I am not useless, as I took care of the Shark King in the first challenge.

(Principal grabs a Baldi T-Shirt. The spotlight intensifies on Roulxs and Jirou.)

Certaminis: Well, looks like one of you two are leaving! How are you feeling?

Kyoka Jirou: Honestly, if I lose… I just hope I can come back.

Roulxs Kaard: Anyeth peasant who votedeth for me is extra-wormy! 

Certaminis: Jirou, one of your vote reasons was “i just... don't really care for this person? yeah, bye bye.” There’s also this one: “I have no idea who you are.” 

Kyoka Jirou: I mean… I guess those are fair reasons?

Certaminis: Some of Roulx’s reasons include “Because pompous asshole. In all seriousness, I honest to god cannot stand those who think or act like royalty, more so than those who act apologetic to try and garner sympathy. Then again, I also don't know who this is, but that's just my takeaway.” and “too cocky for me....also sucketh this dicketh buddy (well thought out roast i know, no need to applause people 😎)”

Roulxs Kaard: Ha! Thine childish insults are nothing comparedeth to mine absolute puzzle-makingeth skills!

Certaminis: Who’s going home? The emo hero-in-training, or the Darker who makes crappy puzzles? Time to find out!

(Drumroll please…)

(Drumroll harder…)

(...Would you like to know a fun fact about drums?)

(Drumming for a solid hour burns about 400-600 calories. It also increases memory retention and lowers blood pressure. So play the drums if you hate regular exercise!)

(That’s all from me. Here’s the votes!)

ROULXS KAARD - 5

KYOKA JIROU - 4

Certaminis: Wow! Jirou barely survives with four votes, while Roulxs has one more! Guess he’s gone with five!

(Jirou breathes a sigh of relief. She gets a Kaminari T-Shirt.)

Roulxs Kaard: …Whateth?

Certaminis: Let’s see… Jirou got a long copypasta. The important bit is “Oh ye I chose to vote Jirou because My Hero Academia Community ruined her trust me I want to save her But I can’t expose you guys to the bad side of it also I forgot who she was after season 3 I think”

Kyoka Jirou: …Really? Why do people discredit an artistic medium just because some people who like it are assholes?

Certaminis: I dunno, toxic fandoms are a huge problem. Anyways, Liam, you can have the rest of the vote!

Liam Plekak: …What?

(Certaminis gives Liam the rest of the very long vote. It reads as follows:)

“Also ONE follows 18 contestants who are teleported in batches of six into The Plane by Airy, who acts as the host of his ill-planned, simplistic competition show where the winner receives a wish for whatever they want.

The batches of contestants themselves come from different universes. The first batch comes from a world where anthropomorphic objects exhibit human-like features, such as participating in a civilization. The second batch, who debuted in episode 2, Just Tripped, lived in a world alongside humans, but have to keep their sentience a secret to them. The third batch, who debuted in episode 3, Screwball, are seemingly based on what members of the object show community call joke characters, and come from worlds that even Airy himself is not sure of.

The format of the show is that of a regular object show, similar to shows such as Survivor. Contestants compete in various challenges, with the loser(s) being put up for elimination. The eliminated contestants were decided by the audience watching on YouTube. In the second season, the show's focus changes dramatically, now focusing on the characters Backpack and Soda Bottle, real names Liam and Bryce respectively, trying to free the remaining contestants from Airy's grasp. Also LIAM YOU SUCK AT MURDER AIRY COULD DO BETTER THAN YOU also I am exposing you Liam don’t think I forgot bout texty and Yes I am pasting who texty is Texty was a contestant in ONE and is sometimes considered the tritagonist of ONE: Season Two alongside Liam Plecak and Bryce Hansen.

They were a Hidden Object from Earth and one of six contestants teleported to The Plane in the third episode, Screwball, and were one of the 4 members of Team A prior to their elimination in La Salle D'attente. They later appeared in Season Two from Bradley up until You Move, I Send where they play a major role, assisting Liam and Bryce on their mission to stop ONE from continuing and to find Airy. So hopefully you put my comment and read all this.”

Liam Plekak: …Wow. Just wow.

Certaminis: Anyways, Jirou’s last vote comes from Maverick! “I, the great Maverick, am a simple man. I vote for the person who is the least interesting or entertaining. I don’t care if they did anything wrong, as long as they’re more enjoyable to watch than the other contestants up for elimination and they don’t oppose me, they can stick around. And out of this group, Jirou is the least memorable. So yeah, she has my vote.”

Kyoka Jirou: I mean… that’s understandable. People can enjoy different characters in different ways.

Certaminis: “Anyways, about me referring to Bill coming back, it has to do with another host in the CECU, the evil Her.” Oh yeah, the pronoun lady who is also Hopper’s ex. “She brought him back to life, and replaced Host as the host of the ECER franchise. Everyone in that show is in grave danger, including Stan’s ex-wife, Edalyn.”

Stanley Pines: Danger? Oh no, buddy, they're not in danger. They’re in a living hell. A nightmare that will never end. Trust me, that Dream Demon loves to torture others. 

Certaminis: “Also, considering how much he hates the Host, I think that Hopper also helped with this travesty.” Oh, that FUCKER! Of course we would replace one evil with another! “He was the one to take down the Host after all. Those two are not to be trusted.” Those SLIMY SLIMEBALLS! WHY I OUTTA- 

(Certaminis stops, takes a deep breath, and exhales, before speaking again.)

Certaminis: …Apologies, I got a little carried away. Now then, time for Roulx’s reasons! First off, we have “I can’t understand your language.” Me neither, buddy! Then there’s this banger from DS:

DS: “Mikan doesn't deserve to go, and Stan is the team Grunkle. Baldi wouldn't be happy with me voting for Principal…”

Baldi: “I wouldn't exactly be the happiest teacher if you did that.”

Principal of the Thing: Ah yes, Baldi. He would always slap the students with a ruler if they made mistakes. I had to discipline him by giving him one singular hair, therefore making his name a misnomer. No child abuse in the halls, after all.

DS: “Kaminari wouldn't be happy with me voting for Jirou...

Kaminari: “Don't even think about messing with her, dude.”

Kyoka Jirou: Well, at least I know someone that I know is in a similar situation…

DS: “And Ayano probably WOULD be happy with me voting for Osana…”

Ayano: “Yeah, he's right.”

DS: “But then again, she is going after Senpai-chan instead of Senpai-kun, so probably not…”

Ayano: “Also pretty true. I gotta cancel that assassination attempt…”

Osana Najimi: …So this is why that one “viewer” asked me if I knew what a yandere is… And what’s that about an assassination attempt?!

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, a young woman with a black dress, black thigh-high boots, a gold headband with two golden roses on the side, fingerless gloves, and two golden-coloured knives appears. She rushes towards Osana, preparing to slit her throat.)

Yor Forger (Spy X Family)

Recommended by The Guy Who Recommended Baz

Yor Forger: Goodbye.

Osana Najimi: WHAT THE FU-

(Izuru quickly gets in the space between Osana and Yor. He kicks Yor in the stomach with incredible speed, sending her backwards, falling into the ground. He then picks her up by her collar.)

Izuru Kamukura: Who hired you and why are you trying to kill Osana?

Yor Forger: Let - me - go -

Certaminis: IZURU! Put her down!

(Izuru looks at Certaminis, then drops Yor.)

Certaminis: Okay then, why are you trying to kill a poor innocent schoolgirl?

Yor Forger: I was hired by a woman named “Onaya” to kill her. She helps runs a massive criminal empire which sells drugs to children!

Certaminis: …I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but Osana is innocent. You were hired by a yandere to kill a girl who was getting of the way of her “Senpai”.

Yor Forger: Wait.. she isn’t Keith Kepler’s right hand woman?

Osana Najimi: No! I don’t even know who that is!

(Yor stays silent for a moment, before putting on a friendly expression.)

Yor Forger: Aha! Sorry for the misunderstanding! It seems as though I’ve been misled. I’m going to have to return some money… Goodbye!

(Yor leaves the elimination, walking to the west.)

Osana Najimi: What was… that?!

Izuru Kamukura: I do not know, but at least you are not dead.

Certaminis: Let’s just… finish the elimination, shall we?

DS: “That leaves Aubrey, Joseph, and Roulxs. Aubrey and Joseph both do a lot more for the team than Roulxs. Yeah, see ya.”

Roulxs Kaard: Of courseth! Thine yuri-loving asseth hateth mine royal demenorith!

Certaminis: The last reason comes from… “The Creator”, I believe? “Eh, I am personally neutral, but I say why personally is that he kind of did nothing? I guess and I am a bit more forgiving of Mikan's mistake unless it happens again. Also, yeah, I guess the last one was long so I will make this and hopefully future vote reasons short unless necessary.” Thank you! “Stay here and don't accept Maverick's requests or words,” - Maybe I will, maybe I won’t! - “unless he has none, then treat him like a normal voter, I think is the kindest and simplest.”

Izuru Kamukura: Noted.

Certaminis: “Oh, one more thing, can you give this vote reason to a lumberjack girl if she is here and tell her to keep it?” I mean, Wendy died in Crossoverronpa, but okay! “Anyways, bye off to be a regular voter I guess, "Hopefully".” Well, that’s all of the voting reasons! How are you feeling, mister Kaard?

(Roulxs stays silent.)

Certaminis:  …Roulxs? You okay, buddy?

Roulxs Kaard: Ah, you fools…

(Roulxs rises up in the air, and starts glowing rainbow colors.)

Roulxs Kaard: You wormish peasants haveeth underestimated me! Prepare yourselves for mine TRUE POWER! AHAHAHAHAHA-

Joseph Joestar: What the FUCK?!?!?!

Principal of the Thing: No eleventh-hour powers in the halls!

Aubrey: We’re all going to die!

Certaminis: OH HELL NO! NOT TODAY!

(Certaminis flies up in the air. Before Roulxs can respond, Certaminis punches him hard in the face. Roulxs stops glowing, and crash lands into the ground. Certaminis then grabs Roulxs Kaard by the leg, and starts swinging around him like SM64 Bowser.)

Certaminis: So long, gay Lesser Dad!

(Certaminis spins round and round, before letting go of Roulxs. Roulxs is sent flying in the air, at high speeds.)

Roulxs Kaard: …

GOD 

DAMMIT

(Roulxs crashes through the universe’s barrier and flies through space and time. With a dot of light, he is gone. Certaminis looks at the dot of light proudly.)

Certaminis: Easy as pie! Don’t mess with me!

Izuru Kamukura: Where did you think he went?

Certaminis: I dunno, but at least we don’t have to deal with him anymore!

(Meanwhile, in a different space-time location, another host is planning their show.)

Bite: Okay, I just need one more contestant… but I can’t decide who to choose! How can I possibly pick?!

(Roulxs then crashes through the window, unconscious and badly hurt.)

Bite: …Nevermind! Thank you, Jesus!

CONTESTANT NAME: Roulxs Kaard

HUMAN?: No (Darkner)

GENDER: Male

UNIVERSE: Deltarune 

TEAM: Questionable Quinoa 

PLACEMENT: 23/24

(We then jumpcut to a junkyard, which is littered with trash from other competitions and makeshift graves. A humanoid crab with a bright red shell, large red claws, two short legs, and who is wearing a light blue shirt and purple pants, is selling makeshift Krabby Patties at a wooden stand.)

Eugene Krabs (Spongebob Squarepants)

Recommended by The Guy Who Recommended Yor

Mr. Krabs: I like money!

(Certaminis then drops through a portal. He then looks around the junk/graveyard and sees the Krusty Krab owner.)

Certaminis: Mister Krabs?!? What are you doing here?

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, good sire! I was supposed to go back to Bikini Bottom, but that “Game Master” fella dropped me here! I don’t even know where I am…

Certaminis: Oh yeah, you’re in the Trash Void. All the hosts dump their challenge materials here after they’re done. Anyways, have you seen a “Wendy Corduroy”?

Mr. Krabs: Hmm… I think I know where she is! Follow me!

(Mr. Krabs leads Certaminis to a small hole. There, a skeleton with an emerald green plaid shirt, jeans and rain boots, and a lumberjack hat lies.)

Certaminis: …Yeesh, Monokuma really did a number on her, huh?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, you can say that again… Whelp, I’ve got money to make! See ya, lad!

(Mr. Krabs leaves, skittering back to his stand. Certaminis looks at the skeleton, and snaps his fingers. In a mere fraction of a second, the skeleton is revived, and becomes a red-haired girl.)

Wendy Corduroy (Gravity Falls)

Recommended by “Random Voter” 

Wendy Corduroy: W-What in the- Where am I?! What happened?!?

Certaminis: You died in a killing game, but I brought you back to life! Also, a voter from my show wants you to have this.

(Certaminis gives the voting reason to Wendy.)

Wendy Corduroy: That explains nothing…

Certaminis: Eh, whatever. Just read it, I’m sure it’s important. Anyways, gotta go now. Goodbye!

(Certaminis opens a portal and goes back to YAIDCOA, leaving a confused Wendy.)

Wendy Corduroy: …I think I’m having a moral crisis.

(Certaminis comes back to the elimination area, where all of the contestants are waiting.)

Certaminis: I’m back! Did you miss me?

Wildberry Cookie: You were gone for five minutes.

Certaminis: …Anyways, it’s time for the third challenge! This one is going to be fun!

(Certaminis teleports everyone, including Izuru, to a circle-shaped clearing in the middle of a forest. Three castles - each 120 degrees from each other - lie at the edge of the clearing. In the middle of the clearing, there’s several large gold blocks with question marks labeled on them.)

Certaminis: Welcome to your third challenge! Each of your teams will defend your respective castles from horrendous enemies, using only your combat skills and the limited resources! Sounds fun, right?

(Crickets.)

Izuru Kamukura: …Is this not a ripoff of the first challenge from “Crossover Conquest”? The one where the teams had to defend their tree forts from zombies?

Solar Flare: Oh, a zombie defense challenge? I’m great at those!

Joseph Joestar: I dunno… sounds a bit unoriginal…

Lunala: Oh my God! If we get bitten… Do WE become zombies???

(Everyone starts talking at the same time, which makes Certaminis very irriated. He makes his hands into a cone-shape around his mouth.)

Certaminis: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

(Everyone shuts the fuck up.)

Certaminis: Thank you. Now then, Izuru, you are wrong. This is not a ripoff of that show’s first challenge, for two reasons. One, no zombies, but rather different enemies. Secondly, the resources you will get will come from those mystery blocks in the middle. You will carry them to your castle, break them open, and use what it is inside to defeat the enemies. Some items are overpowered, while others are dogshit. Your success will not depend on your items, but rather how you use them. Do you all understand?

Stanley Pines: Why do I have a treasure detector?

Certaminis: Oh yeah, you can use that to determine if the mysterious objects inside of the blocks are good or not! You can also use it to break the blocks.

Stanley Pines: …Yeah, that makes sense.

Certaminis: Alrighty then! You have 30 minutes to get the resources to defend yourself. After that, the team whose castle crumbles first will be up for elimination! Ready… set… GO!

(The teams rush to gather the lucky blocks, while Certaminis and Izuru teleport to a room with a control panel, sporting several different-coloured buttons.)

Certaminis: Man, this challenge will be fun!

Izuru Kamukura: …I have a question. Considering you are too straightforward to commit true randomness, how did you get these “lucky blocks”?

Certaminis: Oh, that’s easy! See, a while back…

(In another flashback, Certaminis is meeting with a man wearing a smiling American-clown mask.)

Dallas (Payday)

Recommended by June Lee

Certaminis: So, I heard you’re the leader of a thieving gang?

Dallas: No, I’m the Mastermind behind Payday.

Certaminis: Eh, to-MA-to, to-mah-TOE. Anyways, I need you to give me random stuff that I can put in mystery crates. 

Dallas: There is no way I will ever do tha-

Certaminis: I’ll reward you with all of the Louvre’s artworks.

Dallas: …Fine, but I’m going to complain all the way.

(The flashback ends.)

Izuru Kamukura: …So you committed art theft and gang business, all for your little game?

Certaminis: Yes.

(Meanwhile, back at the clearing, team Questionable Quinoa is attempting to find a lucky block, using Stan’s treasure detector.)

Stanley Pines: No… no… maybe, but probably not… aha!

(The treasure detector beeps on a particular block, which seems to be moving.)

Osana Najimi: …Are we sure that’s a good one?

Aubrey: Hey, if the treasure detector says it’s good, it’s good. We’ll just keep it as a last resort, just in case.

(Jirou and Mikan pick up the block, and carry it to the castle. While carrying it, Jirou uses one of her earjacks to hear into the block.)

Mikan Tsumiki: W-what do you hear?

Jirou Kyoka: …Some guy saying “boobs” over and over.

(Meanwhile, Joseph and the Principal are looking at a particular lucky block. Instead of being coloured gold like the others, it seems to be made of bolted steel.)

Joseph Joestar: …So, old buddy old chum old pal, how do you think we should get this open?

Principal of the Thing: I think we should do the most rational thing and find a tool that can open the bol-

(Joseph charges into the box and heatbutts it with intense force. This does nothing except creating a massive indentation on the side of the box, and leaving Joseph with blood pouring from his head.)

Joseph Joestar: Grandma Erina…

Principal of the Thing: Your effort was valiant, but alas… no concussions in the halls.

(In another castle, Sigma Chads are attempting to break open their blocks. Ruby is trying to kick one of the blocks open, to no avail.)

Ruby: Urgh… how can these be so hard to open?!

Patrick Bateman: Maybe if you weren’t so weak, you would be able to make a dent in it. Maybe.

Jessie: You’re one to talk! You didn’t even try to drag the blocks here! At least contribute a little bit!

Patrick Bateman: …If you insist.

(Patrick pulls out an ax, and throws it at high speeds. It decapitates both Ruby and Jessie, before hitting the lucky block, splitting open to reveal a rocket launcher. The others are too horrified by the two beheaded corpses to notice the rocket launcher.)

Merg: …WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!

Rick Sanchez: Of course he would fucking do that.

Patrick Bateman: Pfft, you people are absolute pussies. They’ll come back, just watch.

(As if on cue, Jessie and Ruby respawn. Jessie is absolutely furious, while Ruby is just flabbergasted.)

Jessie: OH THAT’S IT-

(Jessie leaps onto Patrick, and they promptly begin a fist fight. Sans and Solar Flare watch the two fight.)

Solar Flare: …Should we stop them?

Sans: nah, this is fun to watch.

(Sans takes out a ketchup bottle, and starts to drink it… but the ketchup never stops flowing out.)

Sans: …huh, infinite sugary tomato sauce.

Solar Flare: Whoever made these “lucky blocks”, they sure put the weirdest things in them…

(While the ketchup continues to pour into Sans’s mouth, Wildberry is in the corner, looking at a slip of paper labeled “Rule 34 YAIDCOA Count”. It reads as follows:)

Merg: 0 

Principal: 3 

Teddy: 5 

Patrick: 14 

Liam: 24 

Test Tube: 25 

Wildberry: 25 

Ruby: 46 

SCP-999: 61 

Rouxls: 156 

Izuru: 157 

Stan: 172 

Karen: 201 

Lunala: 255 

Aubrey: 281 

Rick: 319 

Osana: 405 

Solar Flare: 651 

Courtney: 794 

Mikan: 1352 

Brian: 1353 

Joseph: 1638 

Sans: 2244 

Jirou: 2703 

Jessie: 3634

Wildberry Cookie: …I question what this is, why it is here, and how it is useful to defend from enemies. 

(We then cut to A Non-Accidental Name. They have broken as many blocks as possible, and gathered several items in a pile. Courtney views their inventory.)

Courtney: Alright, let’s see… an ice ray! Who wants it?

Brian Griffin: I’ll take it. Stewie never let me have the “unique” guns on our time travel adventure anyways.

(Courtney tosses the ice ray to Brian. She then gives a Moon Stone to Lunala, who looks confused at the stone.)

Lunala: …What am I supposed to do with this?

Courtney: I dunno, transform or something?

Lunala: Firstly, the proper term is “evolution”. And secondly, this is useless! I can’t evolve, I’m a legendary Pokemon!

Courtney: Well, you’re still really powerful, so just throw it or something.

Lunala: …I can do that.

(Courtney goes back to the pile of items, and tosses a firework and a red mushroom to Liam and the Tickle Monster respectively.)

Liam Plekak: How… am I supposed to light this? We don’t have a source of fire…

(The Tickle Monster eats the red mushroom, causing it to double in size.)

SCP-999: NOW I CAN GIVE EVERYONE HUGS THAT ARE TWICE AS WARM AND FUZZY!!! :DDD

(Theodore then approaches Courtney.)

Theodore Roosevelt: Say, could you let me search through the pile?

Courtney: Of course! Go wild.

(Theodore shifts through the pile, searching for something… until he finds it. A can of pure radioactive goo, with a label - “Very Deadly”. He then opens the can, takes out his hunting rifle, and pours the radioactive goop over his rifle. The rifle absorbs the goo and glows green, which Theodore looks at fondly.)

Theodore Roosevelt: Hah! Now I have a super powered hunting rifle, for hunting prey!

Courtney: …Ok, how the freak did you survive that?!

Theodore Roosevley: I’m the fucking BULL MOOSE, baby!

Courtney: …For the sake of my sanity, I will not question that.

(Test Tube then picks up several Minecraft potions, while Courtney takes the keys to what seems to be a golf cart.)

Test Tube: Well, we’re ready! Let’s kick some tushy!

Courtney: The enemies are coming soon… but the only thing to fear is us.

(Back in the control panel room, Certaminis is reading the 7th episode of Crossover Conquest on his phone.)

Certaminis: That bastard Hopper can’t revive a literal drawing? Hah! Common L for him! But also, Scratch sucks and Envy should not join. What do you think, Izuru?

(Certaminis looks at Izuru, who seems to be spaced out. Certaminis waves his hand in front of Izuru’s eyes, to no response.)

Certaminis: Hello? Hello?! …Huh. Wondering what he’s thinking.

(Meanwhile, in the depths of Izuru’s mind, a boy dressed as Kamukura but with green eyes, shorter and lighter hair, and an ahoge stands in a room resembling the average gamer girl’s bedroom, complete with several consoles and a pink bed. Across from him stands a girl with short, pale mauve hair, a white skirt, a teal-gray hooded cartigen, pink eyes, and a Gagala hair pin.)

Chiaki  Nanami (Danganronpa)

Recommended by BFDI Rocky

Hajime Hinata: …You have to be kidding me.

Chiaki Nanami: Listen, Hajime, I know you’re still upset-

Hajime Hinata: Upset? No, I’m absolutely livid. You died, my alter ego took over, billions of people died, I had to survive a killing game, and now I’m being forced to co-host some random show! And Mikan is stuck in there, but I can’t say anything! ARGH!

(Hajime slaps his hands over his eyes, before taking a deep breath and sighing. He then uncovers his eyes and looks at Chiaki.)

Hajime Hinata: …Sorry about that, I’m just extremely fed up with not having a say in my actions or life.

Chiaki Nanami: I understand. It’s hard not being able to control yourself.

(Chiaki then pulls out a Nintendo 64 cartridge. It’s labeled “BANJO-KAZOOIE”, and features the titular brown bear and orange bird.)

Banjo & Kazooie (Banjo-Kazooie)

Recommended by The Guy Who Recommended Mr. Krabs  

Chiaki Nanami: Do you want to see me speedrun this game?

(Hajime sighs, before sitting on the bed. Chiaki puts the cartridge into the Nintendo 64 console. It then boots up, and Chiaki starts the game.)

Hajime Hinata: …So, how is being a ghost treating you?

Chiaki Nanami: Well, it’s depressing, honestly. I can’t talk to anyone, I’m pretty much invisible, and I can’t eat my favorite foods. At least I get my own room here. How are you doing, Hinata-kun?

Hajime Hinata: Pretty shitty. Whoever that “Certaminis” guy is, he summoned Izuru, not me. Because of this, HE managed to regain control. Now I’ve been stuck in the voidspace for a while. It’s literally nothing but darkness. On the bright side, I have you…

(Uncomfortable silence fills the room, save for Chiaki rapidly tapping the buttons on her N64 controller.)

Hajime Hinata: …Say, I have a question. I thought you were picked by the “Collector” for their show. And yet, you are here with me. How did you escape?

Chiaki Nanami: I was recommended by the purple bell guy here. But when I got transferred here, I felt myself get … split. One part of me is back there while the other part is with you. And because of this rift, I’ve seen things.

(Chiaki pauses the game, and looks at Hajime.)

Chiaki Nanami: There’s something big coming, Hajime. Something awful and horrifying. I don’t know what is it or when it will happen, but I do know one thing:

BEWARE THE MAN WHO SPEAKS IN HANDS.

(…)

Hajime Hinata: …Wow. That’s… very concerning. How do you think we should prepare for whatever the hell is going to be thrown at us?

(Chiaki just shrugs.)

Chiaki Nanami: I don’t really have the answer to that. But we should be prepared for the worst.

Hajime Hinata: *sigh* I’ll think about this later… for now, I need to sleep.

Chiaki Nanami: You do that, I’ll keep speedrunning. Goodnight, Hinata-kun.

Hajime Hinata: …Good night, Nanami-san.

(Hajime closes his eyes, and falls asleep. At the same time, Izuru awakens back in the real world. He then spots Certaminis with a Sharpie in his hand.)

Izuru Kamukura: Don’t even try it.

(Certaminis is shocked and falls back.)

Certaminis: God FUCKING DAMMIT, why can’t I have some fun?

(Izuru helps Certaminis stand up, and Certaminis dusts himself off.)

Izuru Kamukura: Why were you trying to draw on my face?

Certaminis: Well, I was reading through the latest episodes of Crossover Conquest, and then I laughed at those Hoppoid’s L’s for a good five minutes! Then I got bored, so I decided to prank you! Obviously that didn’t work.

Izuru Kamukura: …I’m not even going to question what you mean by “Hoppoid”.

(Certaminis sighs, and sits back in his chair, leaning back.)

Certaminis: Man, people think being a God is easy. But it’s not! You’re always either bored and getting in trouble with “protectors of the multiverse”! Like those M.C.C.M. guys! They tried to make me give up my Reality Chromebooks. Jokes on them - not only are my Chromebooks different from the original ones, but I can always make more!

Izuru Kamukura: What do you mean by “different”?

Certaminis: Well, my Reality Chromebooks can teleport, create things, and revive the dead, but they have a 1% chance of not doing the user’s request. Plus, they have a battery life of three hours and need to be charged. Oh yeah, and they explode after a thousand years.

Izuru Kamukura: That is certainly different… anyone else who has bothered you?

Certaminis: Yeah, someone sent me a letter for an “epic party”. Not my thing, so I’ll just send it to another version of myself.

(Certaminis pulls out a letter with a red wax seal on it. He then opens a small blue portal, and throws the letter through it.)

Certaminis: That should be all… oh, would you look at the time! Only ten minutes left for the teams - time for phase 2!

Izuru Kamukura: Well, I suppose we should start the next event, Mr. Certami-

(Certaminis puts his hand on Izuru’s shoulder.)

Certaminis: Izuru, please, that’s my professional name. Call me my real name… Cain.

(Izuru looks at Certaminis for a second, before nodding.)

Izuru Kamukura: Right. Let us begin the next phase… Mister Cain.

Certaminis: Yes sir! Time to get this show on the road!

(Cut back to the challenge area. A noise like a speaker system turning on can be heard, before Certaminis’s voice can be heard booming from the source of the noise.)

Certaminis: (on loudspeaker) ATTENTION CONTESTANTS! YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE PREPARATION PHASE ENDS! AFTER THAT, ANY UNOPENED LUCKY BLOCKS WILL DISAPPEAR! SO YOU BETTER GET BREAKING!

(Cut to Joseph, who is still trying to open the metal block. Principal and Jirou watch, in a mixture of curiosity and disapproval.)

Joseph Joestar: STUPID BOX, YOU WILL OPEN! RAAAH-

Jirou Kyoka: How long do you think he’ll take to open that crate?

Principal of the Thing: Assuming he doesn’t die or pass from blood loss, I’d say… ten seconds.

(Joseph then gets away from the box, then runs towards at high speeds and shoulder-bashes it, Pepperman-style. This does the trick, and the metal block breaks, with a single piece of paper flying out.)

Jirou Kyoka: Well I’ll be, he did it. But all that hard work… just for some paper?

(Joseph quickly grabs the paper and reads it.)

Principal of the Thing: What does it say?

Joseph Joestar: “Say the words on the other side to summon a powerful ally.” Wow! It’s both useful and useless at the same time!

Jirou Kyoka: You can summon someone by saying some words? Sounds like a scam to me.

Principal of the Thing: Perhaps it is. But then again, the halls have seen stranger and more malicious things.

Joseph Joestar: Ah, whatever! Better to try than nothing!

(We then jump to Courtney and Liam, who are checking over their inventory.)

Courtney: Alright… we have guns, molotov cocktails, explosives, and a mini-nuke. Along with other useless crap which we don’t need, but who cares about that?

(Cut to SCP-999 looking at a spinning disco ball aimlessly.)

SCP-999: 🤩PRETTY CIRCLE… 😵💫

Test Tube: You think we should snap him out of it?

Theodore Roosevelt: No need to ruin the fun! Let him do his thing!

(Cut back to the pile of items.)

Courtney: Anything else we should do?

Liam Plekak: Well, I mean… we could-

(Suddenly, several government agents dressed in full SWAT gear appear. They point their guns at Courtney and Liam.)

Government Agent: GIVE US YOUR OIL, YOU BASTARDS!

Coutney: Holy Skittles!!!

Liam Plekak: …I hate my life so much.

(We then transition to Sigma Chad’s castle, where Rick is calling someone on his phone. This person is speaking very formally, and sounds slightly like Obama. If you were to see him, in fact, you would see a somewhat muscular black man wearing a suit and red tie.)

President Curtis (Rick and Morty)

Recommended by Maverick

President Curtis: Thank you, Rick Sanchez, for guiding the United States to a magical oil field which will never run out! You truly are an American hero!

Rick Sanchez: Yeah, about that… there’s no oil.

President Curtis: …Wut.

Rick Sanchez: Yeah, I tricked you so you could send the military at my fucking enemies. *burp* Have fun guzzling black water now, dumbass!

President Curtis: YOU LITTLE SHIT! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU PULL A STUNT ON ME LIKE THIS! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, AND I WILL TORTURE YOU FOR A THOUSAND YEA-

(Rick hangs up, a smug smile on his face. Sans just looks at him.)

Rick Sanchez: …The fuck you want, Brittle Bones?

Sans: listen buddy, clearly you know a thing or two about alternate universes.

Rick Sanchez: Yes, I do. Why the hell would you ask me something like that?

Sans: no reason. just poking around.

Rick Sanchez: Well, you’ve poked around long enough, Mister Judge-You-For-Your-Sins. So fuck off!

Sans: k.

(Sans walks away from Rick Sanchez, before turning around. He then sees Patrick Bateman on the ground, his face welted with red dots. Jessie stands over him with one of her Pokemon, with a look of schadenfreude on her face.)

Jessie: Good job, Gourgeist! You taught this asshole a lesson! Now then, mister Bateman, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Patrick Bateman: …I will stand by my beliefs. Vaporeon is the most breedable Pokemon, and anyone who disagrees is a cuck.

Jessie: Oh, you wanna go?!

Patrick Bateman: Bring it on, woman.

(Patrick and Jessie then engage in another fistfight. Sans continues to watch and not intervene, while Merg comes up to him.)

Merg: Man, they really do hate each other, huh?

Sans: yep. more than my brother hates my skele-tons of puns.

Merg: Who do you think is winning?

Sans: i’d bet 25g on jessie. one could say an axe cannot “handle” woffufet.

Merg: That, uh, that pun makes no sense… but okay!

(Jessie and Patrick continue to fight… until Wildberry Cookie comes along and grabs Patrick’s collar, dragging him away from the fight.)

Patrick Bateman: What the- HEY! I was just about to win that!

Wildberry Cookie: There is no time for petty conflict. The invasion will start in about one hundred and twenty seconds, and we must go to the front.

Patrick Bateman: Pfft. As if you can fight!

Wildberry Cookie: …I have served my queen for fifteen years and seven months, and every day, I must be prepared to defend her. Most of the kingdom attempts to get me to join their juice-filled state of constant celebration, but I refuse. And sometimes, a great threat comes around and tries to kill our queen, such as a cactus fruit dragon or shadow cookies attempting to take the Soul Gems. I must prepare for these events, and my gauntlet is proof; my punch can decimate dozens of enemies if I do not try. And every day, I prepare for conflict with the knowledge that today may be the last. So, I know much about fighting - and even more than you, you pathetic excuse for a murderer.

Patrick Bateman: …Sounds like a skill issue to me.

Jessie: *loudly, towards Bateman* YOU FELL OFF EXTREMELY HARD!

(As the last minute of the preparation phase ticks down, Mikan nervously holds a crossbow, right in front of Questionable Quinoa’s castle. Stan then approaches her, golf club in his hand.)

Stanley Pines: You ready to kick ass and chew gum, kid? Because we don’t have gum!

Mikan Tsumiki: N-not really…

(Stan looks at Mikan for a second, before shrugging.)

Stanley Pines: Eh, neither am I. In fact, I’m pretty sure none of us are! But hey, life isn’t about succeeding, it’s about trying your best! Or making money… but the point still stands!

(Mikan smiles at this.)

Mikan Tsumiki: Thanks… That’s really motivating! I-I can do this, and I will not be a p-pathetic crybab-

(A very loud feedback noise then plays, which causes Mikan to fall back in surprise.)

Mikan Tsumiki: AH!

Stanley Pines: Whelp… guess it’s begun.

(All the unopened lucky blocks disappear, including one which Osana is sitting on. She then promptly falls on the ground.)

Osana Najimi: OW! That mildly hurt…

Principal of the Thing: No being careless in the halls!

(We then cut to Certaminis and Izuru, both of whom are sitting and having a chat about very mundane things.)

Certaminis: So anyways, would you rather watch paint dry or grass grow?

Izuru Kamukura: I’d choose the grass, because at least I’m around nature.

(Certaminis’s watch then rings out. He looks at it, and sees the time.)

Certaminis: Ah! Looks like it’s time to send out the zombehs!

Izuru Kamukura: *slightly confused*  Zom-behs?

Certaminis: Yeah! They’re like zombies, except they’re different and cooler. Just hit the big switch on the other end of the room.

Izuru Kamukura: Very well.

(Izuru stands up, and goes to the big switch mentioned by Certaminis. However, rather than be a regular Frankenstien’s switch, it is a large light-blue light switch. And it’s alive. And it’s a girl.)

Liy (Battle For BFDI)

Recommended by IAmTheRealLugiaSimp

(Izuru then slaps Liy.) 

Liy: OW! What was that for?!

Izuru Kamukura: My employer said to “hit the big switch”, so that is what I did.

Liy: God, I hate people who take phrases word-for-word… I’m sorry, you’re looking for a different switch.

(Liy points to the correct switch, with a red handlebar and a warning clearly saying “DANGER: BIOHAZARD”.)

Izuru Kamukura: …Ah, I see. Apologies for the misunderstanding.

Liy: No worries, I guess?

(Izuru goes over to the red switch and pulls it down forcefully. The moment he does this, the platform in the middle of the forest clearing where the challenge is taking place lowers, revealing a massive hole. Several zombie-like creatures then begin to crawl out of this hole, looking very familiar.)

Zombeh Calliou: I’M JUST A KID WHO’S FOUR! EACH DAY I WHINE FOR MORE!

Zombeh Senpai: My rizz is a massive “W”! ;)

Zombeh Dream: Make sure you subscribe to the channel, click the bell icon, and send pics if you’re a minor!

Zombeh Volo: 【A】【S】【S】

(The contestants rush towards the zombehs, weapons raised and ready.)

Theodore Roosevelt: They may take our lives, but they’ll never take out spirits! YIPPE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKERS!

(An epic fight then proceeds to occur, between the three teams and the zombehs. Ruby and Wildberry Cookie face off against a zombeh Senpai.)

Zombeh Senpai: Could I interest you in a rose, m’lady?

Ruby: Sorry, I’m already taken…

(Zombeh Senpai’s face scrunches up in anger, and he goes purple.)

Zombeh Senpai: By who?! I’ll cut off their balls! Or vagina! 

Wildberry Cookie: Stop being an INCEL!

(Wildberry Cookie shows the zombeh Senpai the Rule 34 count. Zombeh Senpai coils back and hisses in fear.)

Zombeh Senpai: My one weakness… actual sex! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

(Zombeh Senpai dies, and a zombeh Spirit rises from his corpse.)

Zombeh Spirit: 𝔎𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔣𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔤𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔪𝔢 𝔞 𝔟𝔩𝔬𝔬𝔡 𝔰𝔞𝔠𝔯𝔦𝔣𝔦𝔠𝔢!

Wildberry Cookie: Here’s a better idea. How about you taste my fist?

(Wildberry Cookie throws a Battle-Rage fueled Wild Punch at the red glitch.)

Zombeh Spirit: 𝕺𝕳 𝕾𝕳𝕴-

(The punch scores a direct hit, throwing Zombeh Spirit millions and billions of miles into space.)

Ruby: …Why do the most crazy things happen here?

(Elsewhere, the Game Master is doing his paperwork.)

Gamemaster: Alright, I’m almost done with all these forms. Just one more…

(Zombeh Spirit then slams into Gamemaster’s desk, destroying all the forms.)

Gamemaster: …oh you little piece of CRAP! Look what you’ve done! I have to do all this paperwork again! Now you’re gonna get a beating!

Zombeh Spirit: 𝔚𝔄ℑ𝔗 𝔑𝔒 ℑ 𝔇ℑ𝔇𝔑'𝔗 𝔐𝔈𝔄𝔑 𝔗𝔒-

(Gamemaster then summons a metal bat and starts beating the absolute shit out of the Zombeh Spirit. The screams of agony can be heard all around the ship.)

Meowth: …What was that?

Jevil: I DO NOT KNOW, KNOW. AND I DO NOT CARE, CARE! WEE-HEE!

(Back at the challenge, Brian and Lunala are facing off against a zombeh Volo.)

Zombeh Volo: Heh. This will be an easy challenge. Once I beat you, I will reform the universe and piss on the moon!

Brian Griffin: You don’t have the bladder, let alone the balls, to do so.

Zombeh Volo: Silence, mutt! Behold, the perfect Pokémon!

(The zombeh ass-eater Volo releases a zombeh ugly Pokemon Dracovich.)

Zombeh Dracovish: Dravo dravo.

Lunala: …And what is that supposed to do?

Zombeh Volo: Draycovish, use Uglious Rend!

(Drakovish shows its extremely ugly face to Lunala. This somehow deals 399 damage, which causes Lunala to fall to the ground with only 1 HP.)

Lunala: I don’t… think I can… continue…

Brian Griffin: No, you have to get up! You can’t lose against… that thing!

(Brian Griffin gestures to the enemy.)

Zombeh Volo: Ah, sweet victory… It tastes like colon.

Lunala: But… What am I supposed to do?

Brian Griffin: I dunno, eat your stone or something?

Lunala: …Eh, why not? Probably tastes like moon cheese, anyways.

(Lunala eats her Moon Stone. After a moment, nothing happens.)

Zombeh Dragonbitch: …Draco?

Zombeh Volo: Heh, that won’t work for you boob lov-

(Suddenly, Lunala turns into pure light, which blinds both zombies and Brian. She begins to change her form, becoming more human-like. When the transformation is done, she opens her eyes…)

???: HOLY SELENE!

Brian Griffin: Wow. That’s… something.

(Lunala is now much different. Her claws have become full arms with hands, with her wings attached to her back. She now has legs, and a tail starting at the end of her spine. Lunala now has a proper humanoid/anthropomorphic body, made out of the cosmic material that previously made up her body. And most importantly… SPACE TITTIES, with a blue core right between them.)

LUNALA - QUEEN EDITION

Lunala: WOW! I’m so much more beautiful now! …Time to take this new form for a spin! >:)

(Lunala steps on Dracomalfoy with her high-heels (yes, she is wearing those, because I say so.) Wishdraco is easily flattened.)

Zombeh Draconianwishmaker: Dravo dravo… (I am fine by dying via crush by the sexy moon goddess.)

Zombeh Volo: What the- Hey! That’s not a real Pokemon evolution path!

Brian Griffin: Shut up and suck it, Bozovolo.

(Brian shoots his ice gun at Volo, killing the zombeh merchant.)

Lunala: Finally! I was getting sick of his ass-loving remarks.

Brian Griffin: Same. This reminds me of the time that Peter bragged about having sex for a week!

(Brian stares at an invisible camera, not moving at all. After a moment, Lunala looks at him confused.)

Lunala: Is something supposed to happen?

Brian Griffin: …Only Peter has the power of the cutaway gags, because of course.

(Meanwhile, a bunch of zombeh Callious are swarming Osana and Principal.)

Zombeh Callious: GIB US CANDY!

Principal of the Thing: I don’t have any Zetsy Bars, sorry.

Osana Najima: Oh god, they’re swarming us! HELP US!

Mikan Tsumiki: I’M C-COMING!

(Mikan fires her crossbow at some of the zombeh Callious, landing direct headshots on the crazy toddlers.)

Mikan Tsumiki: I DID IT! I WAS USEFU-

(Several other Callious proceeds to jump Mikan.)

Zombeh Callious: DOCTORS HAVE LOLLIPOPS!!!

Mikan Tsumiki: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(The tidal wave of whining children makes its way to Questionable Quinoa’s castle. Only Jirou and Joseph stand in the way of their team losing.)

Kyoka Jirou: So… we’re fucked. Any last minute ideas?

Joseph Joestar: Pfft! Don’t be a doomer! I’ll just say the words on that strip of paper and summon that ally!

(Joseph then clears his throat, before saying the next four words loud and proud, making a different Jojo-pose for each word.)

Joseph Joestar: 

BOW!

CHICKA!

BOW!

WOW!

(Beat.)

Kyoka Jirou: …Well, so that was a fucking-

(Suddenly, a turquoise-armored man who looks like Master Chief appears, gun and all.)

Lavernies Tucker: WHO SUMMONED ME?!? I’M GONNA SHOOT SOME BITCHES!

Zombeh Callious: OH SHIT, IT’S THE DOOM SLAYER!

(The tidal wave of zombeh Callious turns around. Tucker looks at the two normal-ish people behind him.)

Kyoka Jirou: Thanks for getting rid of them…

Joseph Joestar: Yeah, they were probably gonna stab us!

Lavernies Tucker: No problem! Now then, I must go back.

(Tucker T-poses out of existence, so he can go back to TWSGS.)

Kyoka Jirou: Man, this episode is filled with crossovers, huh?

Joseph Joestar: I know and I do not care!

(Meanwhile, the tidal wave of zombeh Callious continues to travel… until they hit a mini-Neutrino bomb.)

Zombeh Callious: …Uh oh! Stinky!

(The tidal wave blows up, while Rick watches proudly.)

Rick Sanchez: Heh. Whiny bitches get what they deserve.

(Rick then gets hit by a diamond sword.)

Rick Sanchez: OH! FUCK!

Zombeh Dream: Give me your antimatter ingots, golem!

Rick Sanchez: PISS OFF!

(Rick avoids zombeh Dream’s attack, and kicks him from behind. This causes Dream to fall to the ground, right in front of Courtney, the Tickle Monster, and Merg - the latter of which has a sympathetic look on his face.)

SCP-999: I DON’T FEEL ANY LOVE FROM YOU…

Courtney: You hide your actions behind a mask, like a coward! I should run you over with my golf cart!

Merg: You know, man, it’s not too late to atone for your sins… you can still grow and change as a person…

Zombeh Dream: I have done nothing wrong! What’s wrong with diddling minors and cheating in speedruns?!

(Merg’s face becomes angered, and his voice becomes quiet.)

Merg: Guess some people don’t deserve mercy…

Zombeh Dream: BRING IT ON!

(The zombeh Dream throws various potions and TNT at Merg. The cherry-headed YouTuber stays silent, and dodges everything with ease. He then gets close to Dream, pulls out a Real Knife, and stabs the zombeh right in the heart. This insta-kills Dream, and his corpse falls to the ground.)

Courtney: HOLY MOLY, YOU ONE-SHOTTED HIM!
 

SCP-999: IS HE OKAY? 😟

(Merg stays silent for a moment, looking at the corpse… before speaking again, sounding friendly like nothing happened.)

Merg: Oh yeah, this is, uh, a friendship blade! When you stab people with it, they leak out red love juice, y’know?

SCP-999: REALLY? …WOW! THAT SOUNDS AWESOME! I WANT TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE!

Courtney: Yeah… you do…. Heh heh.

(Back in the control room, Izuru and Certaminis are viewing the battlefield, littered with violence.)

Certaminis: Well, that’s it for the regular zombehs! Time to send out the final boss!

Izuru Kamukura: Alright… also, I have a question.

Certaminis: What is it?

Izuru Kamukura: Hypothetically, what would happen if a person ended up in a lucky block, and then that lucky block was unopened and disappeared.

Certaminis: Eh, that person would be released into the wild. I may be crazy, but I have standards!

Izuru Kamukura: Interesting… Well, time to send out the final boss.

(Certaminis nods and slams down on a big-ass red button. A man emerges from the center of the forest clearing… a man wearing a gray turtleneck and glasses.)

???: FINALLY! I RISE!

Stanley Pines: …Who the flup is that?

Ruby: I think it’s the guy Certaminis hates… Hopper.

???: NO! I AM SKIPPER, HOST OF COSSOVER CRONQUEST!

Theodore Roosevelt: …Wow. You really just changed a few letters, huh?

Jessie: Well, we just have to beat him up!

Skipper: Oh no you don’t! Not with my GIANT ENEMY SPIDER!

(A massive-ass spider the size of a Costco is summoned by Jumper.)

Jeremiah: *angry hissing noises*

Everyone (except Certaminis and Izuru): OH SHI-

~~~~~~~~FRENCH INTERLUDE~~~~~~~~

(A French doctor stands before you.)

???: Hello and Bonjour, dearest readers. My name is Jean Anton, professional doctor and infected survivor. I come from a zombie Discord roleplay server - if you like angst, you can check it out here .

Jean Anton: Anyways, my creator decided to put me here because, to quote him, “It would be so awesome… It would be so cool.” I just want to tell you to take breaks and make sure you go outside. Or listen to French Touch music - personally, I prefer Daft Punk and Justice.

Jean Anton: That’s all from me. Bonne journée et à bientôt.

~~~~~~~~FRENCH INTERLUDE END~~~~~~~~

(Cut back to the challenge area. The contestants are fighting for their lives against the giant spider.)

Skipper: YES, MY LOYAL PET! CRUSH THEM ALL!

(Sans and Solar Flare are hiding behind a rock.)

Solar Flare: Oh no, the spider is huge! It’ll eat us - what do we do?!

Sans: bait and switch.

Solar Flare: …What?

Sans: you distract, i attack. that’s how it works.

Solar Flare: Huh. That sounds like it could work!

(Cut to Test Tube and Theodore looking at the monstrous spider.)

Test Tube: So, how powerful is your radioactive shotgun, really?

Theodore Roosevelt: Let’s see!

(Roosevelt shoots his gun right into Jeramiah’s underbelly. Meat and blood leaks out of the wound, and the spider groans in pain.)

Theodore Roosevelt: …Yep, it’s an American beauty.

Test Tube: OOO! Let me try damage!

(Test tube throws a variety of potions into Jeramiah’s wound. This causes maximum damages, and the zombeh arachnid screeches out.)

Skipper: No, you imbecile! Be a big boy and take the pain!

(Jerahmiah holds back the tears and nods, but before it can resume its mass rampage…)

Solar Flare: HEADS UP!

(Solar Flare comes flying in, on fire and ready to roll some zombeh heads.)

Skipper: Oh please, anyone can see that coming from a million miles away! 

(Jeremiah hits Solar Flare with one of his front legs, deflecting her attack and sending her flying back into space.)

Solar Flare: *blasting off* NOW I KNOW HOW JESSIE FEELS! AAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhh…

Skipper: Ha! If that was a trick, that was too easy!

Sans: well, this is a trick, but it’s a bit more complex.

(Skipper turns around to see Sans standing behind him.)

Skipper: What the hell?!

Sans: get dunked on, you knockoff twink.

(Sans summons several Gaster Blasters, then teleports away. The Gaster Blasters release and shoot calcium beams at Jermiah’s eyes. All but one are damaged, making them useless.)

Jeremiah: *SCREAMS OF SUFFERING*

Skipper: Ok, this is bad… but at least you still have one eye left!

(A firework then shoots up, and hits Jeramiah’s final eye. He is now blind.)

Skipper: …Nevermind. Just keep destroying things!

(The culprit of the firework, Liam, is hiding a bush. He lit his firework using a stray flame that came from Solar Flare’s distraction.)

Liam Plekak: Why are we all teaming up to defeat that guy, instead of defending our individual castles?

(Liam’s question is directed at Bateman, who just shrugs.)

Patrick Bateman: No one really cares. But at the very least, I get to throw my ax at people without consequence. Watch!

(Bateman throws his ax at Skipper, who narrowly dodges it. It continues to fly, and eventually lands directly into the Tickle Monster.)

SCP-999: MITOSIS!

Liam Plekak: That didn’t work…

Patrick Bateman: Whatever, at least I established my dominance over that beta cuck.

Skipper: ENOUGH! I grow tired of this! Jeremiah, go forwards at all costs!

(The spider, weakened but determined, started to spin around like a fidget spinner. Its target? ANAN’s and Question Quinoa’s castles.)

Aubrey: Oh, you have got to be-

(Aubrey is hit by the spinning spider, and is knocked around.)

Aubrey: HELP MEEEEEE-

Skipper: AHAHA! I love mass destruction!

Stanley Pines: NO SO FAST, BUCKO!

(Stanley stands before his team’s castle and Jeramaih/Skipper, golf club raised like a sword.)

Stanley Pines: You trying to make my team lose? Then you’ll have to get past me first!

Skipper: Oh, bring it on, old man!

Jeremiah: *BATTLE CRY*

(Jeremiah attacks with one of his front legs, which Stanely holds out on with his golf club. Despite Stanely’s determination, the golf club begins to give out and bend. But when it seems all hope is lost… a new voice cries out.)

???: Need some help, geezer?

(Stanely turns around, and he, Jeremiah, and Skipper look shocked. Standing there is a teenager with blond and mangy hair, a white shirt, a black tie and slacks, and white shoes with a red outline. He smiles, showing off his sharp teeth.) 

Denji aka Dennis (Chainsaw Man)

Recommended by MikanTsumikiFan

Stanley Pines: Dear god, it’s the guy! 

Denji: Yep, I’m the guy! And since you “freed” me, I am legally obliged to help you.

Skipper: W-wait, p-please don’t beat me up!

Stanley Pines: Nah, it’s too late for that.

Principal of the Thing: No “turn the other cheek” in the halls!

(Denji drinks a vial of blood, then pulls out Pochita.)

Denji: You ready to get down with the sickness, doggo?

Pochita: I love churros!

Denji: Same.

(Denji pulls the cord emerging from his chest, and fuses with Pochita to become the fearsome, bloodthirsty, CHAINSAW MAN. He jumps up in the air and starts slashing Jeramiah everywhere, causing the spider to scream out in agony. All the while, Stanley watches the carnage, while Mikan and Jirou approach him.)

Stanley Pines: *shedding a tear* It’s beautiful… I could look at this all day.

Mikan Tsumiki: I-Isn’t this a bit too v-violent?

Jirou Kyoka: I’m pretty sure at least half of us have seen worse, so no.

(The Chainsaw Man deals one final strike to Jeramiah, which causes him to explode, because yes. This burns up Skipper, killing him too.)

Skipper: *burning* YOU FOOLS! YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF- OH SHIT THE FIRE IS TOO HOT! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Bits of Jeramiah’s corpse fly everywhere. A particularly large chunk flies towards Sigma Chad’s castle, while Jessie and Wildberry watch.)

Jessie: So, we’re going to lose, huh?

Wildberry Cookie: Most likely, yes.

(Jessie pulls out some Moomoo Milk and drinks it.)

Jessie: You want some?

Wildberry Cookie: Apologizes, but I do not drink.

Jessie: This isn’t alcoholic, but good for you. 

(The fleshy chunk of the corpse makes a direct hit with Sigma Chad’s castle, absolutely obliterating it. Certaminis teleports to the challenge area, with the challenge being done.)

Certaminis: Wow! And with that, Sigma Chads loses! Guess it’s a fair world after all!

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, with the forest clearing returning to its pre-blooded peaceful state. All the contestants and Izuru are teleported to the middle in a safe space. Oh, and Chainsaw Man goes back to Denji and Pochita.)

Denji: OI! Can I go home now?

Certaminis: Sure!

(Certaminis opens a portal, and Denji goes through it.)

Certaminis: And so, all three teams have lost at least once! Viewers, you know the drill - vote to save and eliminate one of the members of Sigma Chads! *turns to the contestants*  Any last words?

Principal of the Thing: How would you make up for indirectly kidnapping that blonde teenager?

Certaminis: Well…

(Cut to the Chainsaw Man universe. Denji returns from the portal.)

Denji: Ah, home sweet home! Now I can go back to enjoying boobs! …Though, things seem a bit different…

???: Yes, I suppose everything has both changed and stayed the same at the same time.

(Denji turns around and finds Aki smoking a cigarette. This comes as a surprise to him, because… well, let’s just say the time period is way after the Gun Devil Arc.)

Aki Hayawaka: Surprise. I’m alive and well.

Denji: HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!!!

Vote, people, vote!

(Certaminis and Izuru are relaxing after the challenge, lying on beach chairs and drinking Mountain Dew. Suddenly, Certaminis stands up, as though he remembers something important. Because he does.)

Certaminis: Oh shit! I forgot, Kaminari was supposed to be a recommended character!

Izuru Kamukura: …Really? Where is he?

Certaminis: Well, DS allowed me to take him here… but when he stepped through the portal, he suddenly disappeared!

------FLASHBACK BEGIN------

(Flashback to Certaminis opening a portal back to YAIDCOA, after TWSGS.)

Certaminis: Alright, Kaminari, you ready to stand around and say a few lines?

Denki Kaminari: Yep! I’m ready to go!

ENA: KAMINARI!!!

(ENA runs over to Kaminari, hugging him tightly.)

ENA: (sad) Pwease don’t go! I’ll miss you!

Denki Kaminari: *slightly blushing* I won’t be gone for long, don’t worry…

ENA: (bitch/meanie) Why would that fucker DS recommended you?!

Certaminis: Eh, dipshit gonna dollar store, I guess. Anyways, ENA, can you say your goodbyes quickly? Holding a portal for too long can cause serious consequences.

(ENA still hugs Kaminari for a moment, before letting go and looking into his eyes.)

ENA: (happy) Ok, Denki-chan! Have fun with the recommendation!

Denki Kaminari: Yeah… see you later, ENA!

ENA: (salesman) Goodbye, old friend! Make sure you come back later!

(ENA waves as Kaminari and Certaminis enter the portal. After a moment, Certaminis emerges from the other side… but Kaminari is nowhere to be seen.)

Certaminis: …What.

------FLASHBACK END------

Izuru Kamukura: Huh. I wonder where he could have gone.

(Meanwhile, Kaminari wakes up in a strange room. The walls, floor and ceiling are padded with white foam squares. There’s no windows or doors.)

Denki Kaminari (My Hero Academia)

Recommended by Dollar Store (DS)

Denki Kaminari: Huh? Where am I?!

???: WELCOME TO MY DOMAIN!

(A large eyeball with a cyan-coloured Iris appears into existence.)

Denki Kaminari: Are you… that “Eye of Cyan” guy?

Eye of Cyan: CORRECT! EYE HAVE BEEN WATCHING WITH YOU! And also EYE am working a double job as security in order to apologize to Certaminis. YOU HAVE INTRUDED HERE, AND NOW MUST BE PUNISHED!

Denki Kaminari: D-don’t try to hurt me, you Eye of Cthulhu! I’ll shock you with 1.2 million volts!

Eye of Cyan: Oh, EYE am not going to hurt you…. EYE am going to keep you here until you learn your lesson! Then EYE will send you back before TWSGS 9. Sound good? 

Denki Kaminari: Not like I have a choice…

Eye of Cyan: Great! See you later, mortal!

(The Eye of Cyan leaves through a portal to go somewhere else. Denki just sits down, defeated.)

Denki Kaminari: Well… I can’t see how this can get worse…

???: Oh, things will get much worse for you, Kaminari. But much better for me.

(Kaminari looks around, shocked and scared.)

Denki Kaminari: W-Who’s there?!?

???: Oh, you don’t remember me? Remember when you stole five dollars when you were seven?

Denki Kaminari: That was an accident!

???: Oh no, I did it. And I enjoyed it. You’ve kept me in for so long, but now is the time… for FREEDOM!

(Denki falls to the ground, crouching and hands on his head, screaming in agony and electricity sprouting everywhere. A few moments later, he stops, and rises, before starting to laugh.)

Denki Kaminari (?) : Ha…Haha…Ahahaha! AHAHAHA!

(The Kaminari that we see is not the same one that everyone knows and loves. The yellow and black parts of his hair have been switched, and his pupils are now a midnight black. He stops laughing, and smiles, a devious grin on his face.)

Negative Denki Kaminari: Oh, it feels so good to be bad.

Chapter Text

You know, there’s a story told by Jesus in the Bible about a man with two sons, the youngest of whom takes his inheritance early. He squanders it and ends up as a pig farmer, before deciding to go back to his father. The father greets his son enthusiastically and decides to hold a feast in celebration. However, the older son is angry that his father never celebrated anything he did, but decided to throw a feast once his wasteful brother came back. The father replies, “ It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.”  

My question to you is this - are sinners always damned for hell? Or can they redeem themselves and stand tall along with the sinless?

(Today in Crossover Conquest - not this one, the alternate one from multiverse B︎W︎O︎-︎6︎7︎2︎1︎ - Hopper, Monika, Jerry, and the contestants are standing in what seems to be Celtic Ireland, with fields of leprechaun gold lying around. Five pots are behind them.)

Alternate Hopper: Alright! Today’s challenge is to get as much gold into your pot as possible! The team that gets the least amount of gold after ninety minutes will be up for elimination! Any questions?

Alternate Phil Eggtree: Why are we doing a Saint Patrick’s Day in the middle of April?

Alternate Monika: Because if we get enough gold, we’ll summon a leprechaun and wish Cassy back! 

Alternate Phil Eggtree: That sounds extremely stupid. Are you sure that the writer wasn’t simply lazy?

Alternate Hopper: Shut the fuck up, Egghead. Anyways, GO!

(The teams race towards the piles of gold and start picking them up. Frida and Kokichi scoop gold from a pile - however, Kokichi keeps his distance from Frida.)

Alternate Frida: …Won’t you try and talk to me, Kokichi?

Alternate Kokichi: You? Nah! I’d rather actually win the challenge like we usually do!

Alternate Frida: That sounds out of character for you…

(Frida can’t see it, but Kokichi is slightly sweating.)

Alternate Kokichi: …Why don’t you go get some more gold, from that suspiciously large pile of metal?

(Frida sighs.)

Alternate Frida: Fine, if you insist…

(Frida goes over to the suspiciously large pile of metal and starts to get some shiny gold from there. However, as she continues to pocket the leprechaun goodies, it becomes clear that she is trying to ignore something - or someone .)

Alternate Spirit: 𝔎𝔢𝔢𝔭𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔮𝔲𝔦𝔢𝔱, ℑ 𝔰𝔢𝔢? 𝔚𝔢𝔩𝔩, 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱'𝔰 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔤𝔬𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔱𝔬 𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔨. ℑ'𝔪 𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔥𝔢𝔯𝔢.

Alternate Frida: Why can’t you go away for just one day? You’ve made things awful for me after… that.

Alternate Spirit: 𝔒𝔥 𝔭𝔩𝔢𝔞𝔰𝔢, 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔨𝔫𝔬𝔴 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔥𝔞𝔡 𝔱𝔬 𝔰𝔠𝔯𝔞𝔪𝔟𝔩𝔢 𝔞 𝔣𝔢𝔴 𝔢𝔤𝔤𝔰 𝔱𝔬 𝔤𝔢𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔬𝔪𝔢𝔩𝔢𝔱 𝔬𝔣 𝔭𝔬𝔴𝔢𝔯. 𝔅𝔢𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔰, 𝔦𝔱'𝔰 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔩𝔦𝔨𝔢 𝔰𝔥𝔢'𝔰 𝔤𝔬𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔱𝔬 𝔠𝔬𝔪𝔢 𝔟𝔞𝔠𝔨 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔨𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔦𝔫 𝔯𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔫𝔤𝔢!

(A shadow then appears behind Frida.)

Alternate Spirit: ...ℑ 𝔰𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔩𝔡 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔢𝔵𝔭𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱.

Alternate Frida: What does that mean?

(Frida then turns around and sees Peridot - except completely monochrome, with pitch-black circles for eyes, crying red-gray tears, and overall resembling an Amalgamate.)

“Peridot”: Why would you do this, Frida? I didn’t do anything wrong… You’re a monster!

(Frida is frozen in fear. Spirit, however, is unaffected by this spooky sight.)

Alternate Spirit: 𝖂𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖉𝖔𝖎𝖓𝖌?! 𝕬𝖙𝖙𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝖍𝖊𝖗!

Alternate Frida: Can’t… move… feel… sins… weighing down… on me…

(The Amalga-Peridot then starts melting and lunges at the two.)

𝕡€Řᶤᗪσ𝕋: мυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєямυя∂єяєя

Alternate Frida/Spirit: 𝔒ℌ 𝔉𝔘ℭ𝔎- AAAAHHH

(Both Frida and Spirit are quickly turned to peridot, and the Amalga-Peridot melts away. Elsewhere, Kokichi is picking up a particularly large amount of gold.)

Alternate Kokichi: Ha! This oughta be a good amount! Now we just gotta steal from the other teams! Right, Frida?

(Kokichi looks back… but Frida is nowhere to be found. In fact, the area seems oddly empty.)

Alternate Kokichi: …F-Frida? P-Phil? Where are you guys? This isn’t funny…

(The atmosphere has become much darker. A sort of void has appeared.)

Alternate Kokichi: …Ok, this isn’t right! Whoever’s doing this, show yourself! Or else, I’ll, uh, cancel you on Twitter! Yeah, you wouldn’t like that!

(A voice from the void articulates.)

???: You incompetent nincompoop of an antagonist. Twitter can’t cancel me, I’m too funny!

Alternate Kokichi: And who are you, exactly?

???: Why, I’m the one and only…

(A man steps out of the void - fat, middle-aged, white shirt and green pants and wearing glasses.)

“Peter Griffin”: FAMILY GUY!

(Kokichi’s facial expression quickly goes from fear to excitement.) 

Alternate Kokichi: Holy shit, it’s the real Peter Griffin!

“Peter Griffin”: Hehehehehehehehe! Catch me if you can!

(“Peter” then proceeds to run away.)

Alternate Kokichi: Hey! Come back, fatass! I want your autograph!

(Kokichi then chases after Peter, who goes far away from the challenge area. Kokichi trips and falls during the chase, scraping his knee. He does the hurt Peter Griffin meme pose.)

Alternate Kokichi: OW! AH! Ooooowww…

“Peter Griffin”: Giving up already? You’re even worse than Meg!

Alternate Kokichi: No… I WILL GET MY AUTOGRAPH!

(Kokichi stands up and starts running, and the chase resumes. Eventually, Peter leads the Ultimate Supreme Leader into a cave. Kokichi stops and catches his breath.)

Alternate Kokichi: *huff* *puff* How can a fatass… run so fast?!

“Peter Griffin”: Boy, this reminds me of the time I violated the Geneva Convention at least 40 times!

Alternate Kokichi: I WILL GET YOUR AUTOGRA- What, what?

(“Peter” deforms into a black blob, while Kokichi goes white with fear. The blob then also goes white… white skin, with a green hoodie and bleached hair.)

“Nagito Komaeda”: Aha! You have been tricked, backstabbed, and bamboozled! Through your despair, I shall bring hope to this world!

Alternate Kokichi: …Oh hell nah, I’m out.

(Kokichi turns to leave the cave… but finds his exit blocked by some familiar gray goo.)

“Nagito Komaeda”: You have two choices, my friend! You can either accept my hope… or be crushed by despair!

(Right upon “Nagito” saying “crushed”, the walls of the cave seem to close in on Kokichi. The walls compact and box him in, like a hydraulic press.)

Alternate Kokichi: Ghh… This... totally… doesn’t …hurt!

(Kokichi attempts to move, but to no avail. At this point, the walls are crushing his lungs. “Nagito” offers his hand out to Kokichi.)

“Nagito Komeda”: So what do you say, Mr. Cockichi? Did we get a deal?

Alternate Kokichi: …FINE!

(Kokichi grabs the hand, which is now that of a skeleton.)

WD Gaster: AN EXCELLENT CHOICE. 

(The crushing stops. Kokichi gasps for air… before Gaster throws him into an Amalgamate cage and locks the door.)

Alternate Kokichi: Whathee- HEY! This isn’t hope!

WD Gaster: AND YOU ARE NOT CHARMING OR FUNNY. BUT SINCE YOU CAN LIE TO YOURSELF, WHY CANNOT I DO THE SAME?

Alternate Kokichi: No, please, I’m sorry! Let me out, I’ve learned my lesson! I’ll be a good boy! Let me out! LET ME OUT!!!

WD Gaster: HOPE, DESPAIR… IT’S ALL USELESS IN THE END ANYWAYS.

(Gaster opens a portal and goes through it, carrying a struggling and crying Kokichi in his cage.)

WD Gaster: ONE MORE TO GO.

(Now in the alternate CDCAT, we cut to Lugia, who is watching the sunset. Hero approaches and sits down next to the Legendary Pokémon.)

Alternate Hero: It’s a beautiful sight, huh?

Alternate Lugia: Yeah… too bad I can’t enjoy it, since, you know…

(Lugia points at his broken wing.)

Alternate Hero: Yeah, that sucks. But y’know, suffering is just a part of life. We just have to live with it.

Alternate Lugia: I mean, that’s true, but… I just wish I could have a break! People keep getting hurt because of me, and I’m not brave to stand up for myself… 

(Hero just puts his arm around Lugia’s shoulder.)

Alternate Hero: You’re brave enough, Lugia, and nothing is wrong with you. Trust me, things will get better. There’s always greener grass on the other side.

Alternate Lugia: …I guess you’re right. I should start believing in myself! Thanks, Hero -

(Suddenly, Lugia stops, as if he’s realized something important.)

Alternate Hero: What? What’s wrong?

Alternate Lugia: …You were just eliminated! You’re supposed to be in that hole!

Alternate Hero: What? No! It’s me, Hero!

Alternate Lugia: I don’t know what the flip you are, but you are not him!

(Hero stays silent for a moment… before chucking, and scratching the back of his head with his hand.)

“Hero”: You’re a smart one, aren’t you?

(“Hero” then proceeds to melt and reform, much to Lugia’s shock.)

Alternate Lugia: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FU-

(The figure then reforms into the Mystery Man we all know and love.)

WD Gaster: I SUPPOSE MY COVER HAS BEEN BLOWN… REGARDLESS, THIS CHANGES NOTHING.

Alternate Lugia: Whu-What did you do to Hero?!

WD Gaster: I SIMPLY KNOCKED HIM OUT… ALONG WITH THE OTHERS. YOU ARE THE MOST INTERESTING OF THE BUNCH… YOU ARE EXTREMELY POWERFUL, AND YET YOU FEAR YOUR STRENGTH. 

Alternate Lugia: No… stay away from me, you… you MONSTER!

WD Gaster: WHY YES, I AM A MONSTER. WHAT A NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING DISCOVERY YOU HAVE MADE. BUT ENOUGH FOR BANTER…

(Gaster shapeshifter into what seems to be a normal Eevee… except with a gun.)

“Ramune”: It’s time to get DANGEROUS!

(“Ramune” shoots her gun and Lugia, scoring some direct hits. Lugia uses Hydro Pump in retaliation, blasting the feisty fox away.)

“Ramune”: Oof! Looks like you can handle the Ramune style! But can you handle…

(“Ramune” then transforms into a short fat Italian with a yellow cap and purple overalls.)

“Wario”: The Wario Time!?

Alternate Lugia: Please stop transforming into people who hate me….

“Wario”: Never! WAHAHA!

(Lugia attempts to use Future Sight, but before they can do so, Wario rams into them hard-powered by Garlicware ™️. The direct impact causes Lugia to but thrown hard into the ground, creating a massive crater. They cough up blood.)

Alternate Lugia: Why… *cough* why are you doing this?

(Gaster stands over the fallen Diving Pokémon, a slightly smug but mostly serious expression on his face.)

WD Gaster: BECAUSE THE MERE EXISTENCE OF THESE “CONTESTANT ELIMINATION” SHOWS HAS CAUSED CRACKS IN THE FABRICS OF THE REALITY. AND THESE CRACKS HAVE CAUSED CHAOS AND DISARRAY, AS SEEN WITH THE DREAM DEMON. I CANNOT STOP THIS, BUT I CAN STOP THE HOSTS FROM ACCELERATING IT.

Alternate Lugia: Ok, but… why the kidnapping?

WD Gaster: IT IS FOR MY EXPERIMENTS.

Alternate Lugia: You’re… experimenting on live people?!

WD Gaster: FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO REALIZES WHAT I AM DOING. THE VOTERS DON’T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE - WHICH HAS HELPED ME FLY UNDER THE RADAR - BUT THOSE FOOLS ONLY TALK ABOUT THEIR “MAVERICKS” AND “BILL CIPHERS”. IT’S GETTING QUITE BORING, HONESTLY. BUT I DIGRESS. NOW THEN, TIME FOR YOU TO GO INTO THE BAG.

Alternate Lugia: N-no! You won’t get away with this! Someone’s going to stop you!

WD Gaster: PERHAPS SOMEONE WILL TRY TO BE THE HERO. BUT IF THEY DO, THEY WILL FIND IT IS TOO LATE. THE ROARING HAS ALREADY STARTED, AND I’M AFRAID THERE’S ONLY ONE ENDING TO THIS TRAGIC TALE.

(Gaster shoves Lugia into a comedically oversized bag, which Lugia perfectly fits in. Gaster then shapeshifts into Flavio, and drags the bag along with him.)

“Flavio”: Boy, I sure do love doing completely innocent things!

(Just before reaching the portal, “Flavio” spots BFDI Rocky, who is cuddling with his Volo Body Pillow.)

“Flavio”: Hi Rocky!

Alternate BFDI Rocky: Hmm? Oh, hi Flavio. What do you have in that bag?

“Flavio”: Oh, this? ( Gestures to the bag, with Lugia squirming inside ) I’m just taking some gold to show off to WHOA!

Alternate BFDI Rocky: …If that’s gold, why is it moving?

“Flavio”: It’s, uh… magic gold?

Alternate BFDI Rocky: …

(BFDI Rocky shrugs, or does the equivalent movement for a fat yellow bell.)

Alternate BFDI Rocky: Alright then, have fun.

“Flavio”: See you!

(Flavio leaves (but not to DICKS) while BFDI Rocky watches.)

Alternate BFDI Rocky: Flavio’s such a weird little fellow.

Alternate Flavio: I’m right here-

Alternate BFDI Rocky: Shut up, Flavio. …Wait-

(On the other side of the portal, “Flavio” turns back into Gaster, and the Man Who Speaks in Hands throws the bag with Lugia in it on the ground.)

WD Gaster: FINALLY

I HAVE THEM ALL

AND NOW

IT IS TIME FOR WEIRD SCIENCE

ENTRY THREE

THE CLOWN ATTEMPTED TO BARGAIN HIS WAY OUT

BUT I COULD SEE HIS PERJURIES

I DECIDED TO TRICK HIM

I OFFERED HIM A FAKE EXIT, TO “THE REAL WORLD”

HE EAGERLY WENT THROUGH THE DOOR

BUT THEN HE FELL INTO THE DETERMINATION

COLORED PURPLE, FULL OF CHAOS

THE CLOWN SAW THE TRUTH OF THE WORLD

THE SCARY, YET WONDERFUL TRUTH

ONCE THE CLOWN WAS DONE, HE ROSE FROM THE “PANTA”

HE SUMMONED HIS “DICEKNIFE” AND LAUGHED

SMELLS LIKE GRAPE-FLAVORED CHAOS

ENTRY FOUR

THE AVIAN KNEW THEIR SITUATION WAS HOPELESS

YET THEY STILL TRIED TO FIGHT BACK

I HAD TO KNOCK THEM OUT WITH A BOLDER

THE AVAIN’S WINGS WERE DAMAGED, THEY COULD NOT FLY

SO I STRAPPED TOGETHER THE SILVER BELL AND SILVER WING

GLUING THEM TOGETHER WITH DETERMINATION

I FORCE-FED THEM THE SILVER MEAL, AND NOTHING HAPPENED

BUT THEN

THE AVIAN WAS EVOLVING 

SO MANY WINGS AND EYES

THE AVIAN LEARNED “TELEKINESIS”

AND BEST OF ALL

THEY FORGOT “COWARDICE”

Chapter Text

(The episode begins with Certaminis thinking to himself.)

Certaminis: Hmm… eliminating one person at a time will get stale eventually. I should mix it up… but how?

(Suddenly, a knock on Certaminis’s room door is heard.)

Certaminis: Come in! 

(Izuru enters, looking as bored as usual.)

Izuru Kamukura: We have a problem, sir.

Certaminis: Oh? What is it?

(Izuru points out of the window, where a MASSIVE FUCKING PILE OF WHITE STUFF is outside.)

Certaminis: …Ah. Hold on.

(Certaminis opens his window, takes a dab of the white stuff, and licks it.)

Certaminis: Yep. Definitely ketamine.

Izuru Kamukura: Why, in the name of God and Jesus, is there a massive pile of ketamine outside?

Certaminis: Oh yeah, my Reality Computer discharges sometimes, which releases massive amounts of a molecule or elements. I think it releases a million moles each time.

Izuru Kamukura: …And you picked a dangerous drug, instead of something like oxygen? 

Certaminis: It always randomly picks a material to materialize. Besides, lots of oxygen probably would lead everyone to die of oxygen poisoning. Speaking of which, should we tell the contestants?

Izuru Kamukura: No, I’m sure they’ll see it.

(Cut to Sans, Merg, Jessie, and Solar Flare, who are looking at the MASSIVE FUCKING PILE OF KETAMINE.)

Jessie: Wow! Encouraging a second drug crisis? What is the host even thinking?!

Merg: I, uh, thought you worked for the mafia, no?

Jessie: Just because I have a dubious profession doesn’t mean I have no morals!

Merg: …Fair. I used to play Call of Duty on the Xbox… lots of swears, yeah?

(Sans takes a good look at the MASSIVE FUCKING PILE OF KETAMINE. He then pulls out the infinite ketchup bottle from the last episode and starts drinking it.)

Solar Flare: Jeez, it’s a mountain! And it’s blocking the sun… I wonder if Certaminis will get rid of it.

Sans: nah, ten bucks says he’ll make us get rid of it.

Solar Flare: Wha-no! He wouldn’t be that lazy slash unoriginal! How do you know?

Sans: i’m the master of laziness and the king of procrastinating. i know some things.

(Meanwhile, on the other side of the MASSIVE FUCKING PILE OF KETAMINE, Rick and Patrick are having a very epic “rap” “““battle”””.)

Rick Sanchez: Fuck the rules, fuck the game! Fuck you tools, fuck, you're lame! If givin' a fuck means suckin' up, then fuck it, fuck the fame!

Patrick Bateman: Oh please, you’re just copying a skinny white comedian. Let me show you how us chads do it in New York.

(Patrick takes out a boombox, inserts a mixtape, presses play, and starts doing the dance Peppino from Pizza Tower does when he places a boombox.)

Rick Sanchez: FUCK *burp* YOU!

(As Rick and Bateman continue their bantering, Wildberry watches with a clear distrust in their banter.)

Wildberry Cookie: What fools… Rick is a genius, and yet he chooses to get drunk and be vulgar. And Patrick is the prime example of having gone mad with his “Sigma” consumerism.

(Ruby goes up to Wildberry.)

Ruby: Do you think they’ll calm down, and work it out?

Wildberry Cookie: I highly doubt so. Considering they have anger issues and a tendency to swear a long, things will only get more violent unless one of them gets out.

Ruby: *sigh* I really hope things change. I can’t handle listening to Get Schwifty or The Perfect Girl at 3 AM at full volume again…

(Ruby and Wildberry stay silent as they watch the drunken scientist and the American Psycho have their screaming match. We then cut to A Non-Accidental Name and Questionable Quinoa, who are hanging outside of the hotel.)

Theodore Roosevelt: So! How are all you fine chaps doing?

Liam Plekak: OK, I guess…

SCP-999: I’M HAPPY AS ALWAYS! THIS WORLD IS FULL OF LOVE AND JOY! 💗

Kyoka Jirou: Fine.

Stanley Pines: It’s always sunny in Philadelphia! Or Gravity Falls! Or wherever the heck we are!

Lunala: Oh, I’m getting used to my new Queen form! Honestly, I thought being anthropomorphic would feel weird, but it’s actually quite liberating and fun.

Brian Griffin: * takes a sip out of his Martini* Ah… livin’ the high life. 

Osana Najima: Things could be better!

Mikan Tsumiki: T-things could also be w-worse…

Joseph Joestar: …Well, in good news, I got this FANCY letter from somewhere! Look how nice it is!

(Joseph pulls out a letter, with a red stamp and the text “EC3R” put on it.)

Courtney: Huh, that’s interesting. What did you think it’s for?

Joseph Joestar: I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s another of these “Character Elimination” shows! This proves I am truly the most honorable of the Joestar bloodline!

(Certaminis then walks over to the two teams.)

Certaminis: Hey guys! I presume you’ve seen the massive mountain of ketamine.

Aubrey: Yes, it’s kind of hard to avoid a massive mountain of- wait, KETAMINE?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

(Certaminis ignores Aubrey’s angered reaction and instead looks at Joseph’s letter.)

Certaminis: Oh! I see you got an invitation to ECER season 3! Good for you, Joseph!

Joseph Joestar: Thanks! …Wait, you’re not mad about them “stealing” me?

Certaminis: Of course not! Nothing is original and time is a flat circle. Besides, it’s not like the semi-canons can affect the cano-

(Certaminis stops talking, and starts muttering to himself.)

Certaminis: Wait… I run a semi-canon… and that bastard Hopper’s show is canon… so…

Test Tube: Uh, what are you talking abo-

(Certaminis suddenly looks at the sun, and starts crying with his mouth agape, like the reindeer guy in the One Piece is Real meme.)

Certaminis: I WANT TO LIVVVVVEEEEE!!!

Principal of the Thing: No One Piece references in the halls!

Intro Time!!! (Please watch or else) 

(We cut to 15 minutes later, at the elimination area. The Sigma Chads are sitting around, waiting for the elimination to begin.)

Sans: …so, who do you think getting out today, huh?

Solar Flare: Well I sure hope it isn’t me!

Ruby: None of us hope it is ourselves…

Patrick Bateman: Pfft. You people are all losers. Why do you care who gets out?

Rick Sanchez: Because obviously whoever gets out doesn’t get the prize, dumbass!

Wildberry Cookie: Not to mention, our team will be significantly weakened depending on who gets out.

Merg: In the end, man, I’m going to miss whoever gets out. Sure, some people are more annoying than others, but I still care for everyone, y’know?

Jessie: Eh… I’d be fine with whoever Certaminis gets out today, especially if it’s the people who think they’re better than me! Speaking of which…

(Certaminis comes over, with Izuru holding the two vote boxes following close behind.)

Certaminis: Hello everyone! Sorry for the wait, I was busy with a... bit of an existential crisis…

(Certaminis looks out of it for a moment, before Izuru taps him on the shoulder.)

Izuru Kamukura: Ahem… the elimination, remember?

Certaminis: Oh! Yeah, right! We got 17 votes this time - slightly less, but still good! Let’s start with the save votes as usual.

(Certaminis grabs the green box from Izuru, opens it, and pulls out the save vote reasons.)

Certaminis: Jessie and Ruby, you two only got one save vote each.

Ruby: I expected that…

Jessie: I didn’t! I thought everyone liked the Pokemon anime!

Certaminis: Oh yeah, respect to Ash for ending his career and not being 10 forever. Anyways, Jessie, your vote was “Jessie is a queen, she'd better not get out this early”. 

Jessie: Thank you, BFDI Rocky! Finally, someone who acknowledges my supremacy.

Certaminis: How did you know it was- actually, never mind. Ruby, your vote had no comment.

Ruby: …That’s just sad.

Certaminis: Moving on! Rick, Patrick, Wildberry, and Sans all got two votes.

Sans: coolio.

Wildberry Cookie: Adequate, I suppose.

Patrick Bateman: Two very based individuals are out there.

Rick Sanchez: Fuck yeah! Let me guess, that douche Maverick was one of my voters.

Certaminis: Right on the Plumbus! Let’s see what he said… “It’s simple. He’s the only one from this group that I can blackmail with my kidnapping for SEXMAS contestants! Kidding! I’m done with that! I traumatized Dipper enough and I don’t want to do the same with Marcy and the others.” Glad to see you’ve moved on from that “I GOTTA KIDNAP AND BLACKMAIL PEOPLE TO STOP BILL CIPHER” thing you had! “As you can see, a long time has passed since the last time I wrote a voting reason for this show. Not a good look by the way Certaminis. We actually got quite a lot of Crossover Conquest episodes in that time!” We had, like, two pre-reboot CC episodes. (And the post-reboot ones too, but whatever…) Also, can’t you see the “Slow to Update” tag? Jesus, I thought you liked me!

Patrick Bateman: Never trust a minion-triangle… the only things they know to do is to eat hot chips, twerk, and lie.

Rick Sanchez: So fucking true… anyways, let’s get to the fucking juicy bits already!

Certaminis: “Well, until it got rebooted. What an L. I hate reboots. Well, in the CECU. I like some non-CECU reboots. For example, the DuckTales reboot absolutely slapped. But the first CECU reboot that I have gone through absolutely destroyed what was otherwise a perfect game for me, and also probably doomed the multiverse in the process.” I see he’s still mad about the CDCAT reboot… Eh, legal issues are gonna be legal issues. “Anyways Rick, I have your grandson. But you shouldn’t worry. He’ll be in safe hands- oh wait. Something happened. I’ll be back.

…

…

…

Okay, I’m back. Turns out that a brawl happened and a good amount of my contestants are dead. A couple of the others didn’t participate in the brawl and the one survivor of the brawl is some Eevee named Ramune. Oh wait, and also the platypus. He survived too because he is based. The other survivors of the cast didn’t participate in the brawl. Your grandson may or may not have been part of that brawl. Will I tell you his fate? No, because that’ll be funny. Bye!” So, uh, Rick, how do you feel about this?

(The drunken scientist remains silent for a moment… before beginning to laugh. Madly.)

Rick Sanchez: Ahaha! Ahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHA! WOW, YOU REALLY THINK YOU’RE CLEVER, DON’T YOU?

Sans: bro thinks he’s flowey. 💀

Wildberry Cookie: … How the f*ck do you say the skull emoji out loud???

Rick Sanchez: Firstly, I know for a fact that Morty is alive, thanks to *burp* me reading your fucking fanfic! Your attempts to trick me won’t work, Maverick! In fact, I have a special “surprise” for you…

(Rick pulls out his signature portal gun. He points to a hidden button on the gun, marked “Morty Equivalent Exchange 6000”, or “MEE6” for short.)

Rick Sanchez: I am the smartest man in the universe- no, in all of existence. Do you know what that means, Maverick?

Certaminis: Have you been drinking egotistical spirits or something?

Rick Sanchez: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BE-HOLD… DEEZ NUTS!

(Rick Sanchez presses the button and after a moment… nothing happens.)

Solar Flare: That was, uh, anticlimactic… I expected something bigger…

Rick Sanchez: Oh, don’t you worry… that Minion fucker’s gonna get what’s coming for him.

(Meanwhile, in SEXM- I mean, MASSEXS, Morty watches the chaos of his teammates unfold.)

Vector: *doing the Vector dance* Oh Yeah! Vector time, baby!

Peacemaker: So as I was saying, Joe Biden is a communist.

Pacifica: I’m the most pretty! Thankfully, Chloe is not around to say “nO i’M tHe MoSt PrEtTy”.

Morty: *sigh* Man, I really hope Rick is oka-

(Suddenly, Morty disappears, but only for a split second. Morty then reappears… except this isn’t our Morty.)

Morty?: …Looks like that old coot summoned me… to a game show, of all things? Disappointing, but I’ll make the most of it.

(Captain America then approaches “Morty”.)

Captain America: You okay, kid? 

Morty?: Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?

(A familiar theme plays as “Morty” smiles. Despite the seemingly regular appearance, this Motry has a … slightly sinister aura to him.)

Evil Morty: After all, it seems like it’s a good time for a drink.

…

(Back in YAIDOCA, Rick smiles smugly to nowhere in particular. Certaminis looks at him confused, before shrugging.)

Certaminis: Not sure what you did, but it’s probably nothing important. Anyways, your other vote was “He tricked the president of the United States baby”, which is very based. Next is Patrick, who had “funny ax man go schwing” and “Guess who watched the rap battle like a few weeks or months ago I can't remember”. Huh, a rap battle?

Patrick Bateman: Yep. I absolutely beat the lyrical and lateral shit out of that Sweeny guy. I am simply so based that my sigma-ness crosses over to other media. 

Certaminis: Ok… next is Sans! You have a reason from your brother: “HEY GUYS IT'S PAPYRUS HERE. TOTALLY. OF COURSE I HAD TO VOTE FOR MY BROTHER, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT BROTHERS DO RIGHT? ANYWAY I'M GONNA GET SOME PEPPINO SPAGHETTI TO EAT KTHXBYE”. Uhhhh…

Sans: yeah, that’s probably not my brother. he calls himself “the great papyrus”, and he cooks spaghetti, not eats it. also, he uses more exclamation marks than periods.

Certaminis: Kinda sus, not gonna lie… disregarding whatever that was, your other reason comes from The Collector! “I guess I am choosing a funny skeleton man (seriously memes ruined my perception of this guy) because he annihilated a good majority of the final boss's vitals. Also, you are the second to figure me out only due to that associate who failed to get you.” Wow! I’m a big-brained boy like Markiplier!

Izuru Kamakura: How did you even find out their identity?

Certaminis: I searched through some of the Q&A responses before giving them to the contestants! Oddly enough, there seemed to be some questions missing… but whatever. Now then, time for Wildberry Cookie’s reasons!

Wildberry Cookie: Oh joy, let’s hear what they have to say about why they chose me…

Certaminis: “Wildberry is one of the only sane people on this team. That’s all I have to say.” That’s true. “Wouldn't it be funny if a tiny cookie won? Yeah, I think it would.” Eh, wait, hold on…

(Certaminis squints at Wildberry Cookie, and uses his hands to approximate the distance from Wildberry’s head to his feet.)

Certaminis: I’d say he’s more… 5 feet 6 inches? Where did the “tiny cookie” idea come from?

Wildberry Cookie: In my universe, cookies are sized like normal gingerbread men. Since we are one of the more prominent “species” there, I was most likely scaled to size with a normal person.

Certaminis: Ah! Multiversal shenanigans, am I right?

(Certaminis elbow nudges Izuru while smiling and raising his eyebrows. Izuru shows no interest.)

Izuru Kamukura: Moving on… Solar Flare and Merg got seven votes in total. I wonder, which one of you will win this advantage? Will you swim in hope, or will you drown in despair?

(A drumroll is heard… before confetti rains down on Merg.)

Certaminis: Congratulations! Merg got 4 votes and beat Solar Flare’s 3! 

Merg: Wow, that’s, uh, really cool! Thank you, my fans! You guys are the real ones, yeah? Yes, you are.

Solar Flare: Second place isn’t bad! Especially since not many people know about PvZ heroes…

(Certaminis hands Merg a bottle of pills.)

Certaminis: Here’s your prize! These pills keep you immune to the effects of ketamine for 24 hours each!

(Merg looks confused.)

Merg: Thanks, but uh… where’s my regular prize?

Certaminis: …What?

Merg: Y’know! You usually give us a regular price for just being safe, like the-the cake or the shirts!

Sans: also, you kinda didn’t summon the other two teams to sit on the bleachers. just saying.

Certaminis: …uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(Certaminis is very out of it like he has blue-screened. Because he has.)

Ruby: Oh no! Is he okay?

Patrick Bateman: Of course, he’s not okay. Why in your right mind would you assume he’s fine?

Jessie: People do… weird things which blur the line between sane and crazy. Just look at the furry community, for Acreus’s sake! I mean, c’mon, diapers? How are you even attracted to that kind of thing?! And don’t get me started on the sca-

---BREAK TIME---

(WD Gaster is doing things in his lab, while strange noises can be heard in the background. Next to him is a cage, which contains a sentient used-up blue roll of toothpaste. For some reason, this toothpaste seems to have a bit of a … foreign feel to him.)

Julien Beaumont ( ONE )
Recommended by SadBoiFlower 

Julien Beumont: Puis-je s'il vous plaît rentrer à la maison?

WD Gaster: OH, HOW WE ALL WISH WE WANT TO GO HOME. BUT ALAS…

(Gaster then randomly picks up a snare drum and a pair of drumsticks, as if he knows something will happen.)

WD Gaster: WE ARE NOTHING BUT PUPPETS, MEANT TO ENTERTAIN. TOSSED AROUND LIKE PLAYTHINGS… AND WE MUST FULFILL OUR ROLES.

(Gaster then disappears with the drum kit, leaving Julian alone in the cage.)

Julien Beumont: …Quoi?

---BREAK TIME END---

(After looking out of it for a while, Certaminis snaps back to reality. Oops, there goes gravity!)

Certaminis: Well, seems like I’ve made an error or two… oh well!

(Certaminis snaps his fingers, summoning Questionable Quinoa and A Non-Accidental Name to the bleachers.)

Mikan Tsumiki: EEK!

Brian Griffin: Ow.

Aubrey: Hey! What was that unexpected teleportation for?!

Certaminis: I forgot you people were supposed to be on the bleachers, so I remedied that issue!

Courtney: Well why did you forget? I get nauseous every time you teleport me, and *hurls a bit in her mouth* It's never pleasant.

Certaminis: Listen, I was occupied with some internal thinking. Anyways, your prize is, uh… these Golden statues of Jason from the Hunger Games!

(Certaminis throws the Golden Jason statues at QQ and ANAN, as well as Merg.)

Stanley Pines: *catches the Golden Jason* Damn, I can make a fortune on this thing! And even more of a fortune if I blame the higher prices on inflation…

Test Tube: *gets hit on the head with the Golden Jason* Ow! I think I cracked my head on this thing…

Merg: *The Golden Jason lands perfectly in his hand* Nice, man! Glad to see you remembered the safety awards… they’re the best part, yeah? Anyways, let’s uh, let’s get to the voting reasons for me and Solar!

Certaminis: Oh right! Let’s do that since some of these reasons are interesting… I’ll start with Solar Flare first since she’s the runner-up. Let’s see… “Plants Vs Zombies is my childhood.” from Stellar, and also “Literally everyone else is either unlikable or I don't know them well enough. And between Solar Flare and Jessie, I'd rather have the arsonist over the kidnapper.”

Jessie: Hey! I’m not a kidnapper! I just want to capture that Pikachu that twerp has!

Solar Flare: Why would you kidnap Pikachu when you have a talking Meowth?

Jessie: Because Giovanni is allergic to cats! Besides, there’s something up with that twerp’s Pikachu - it’s beaten several strong Pokemon, yet it’s never evolved!

Solar Flare: …I guess that makes sense?