Archive of Our Own ^beta

Mattholomule tied up his overgrown hair into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. His bangs were too short to go into the tie, so his hair clung to his forehead, dampened with sweat from working in the graveyard. 

Construction magic, as it seemed, took a lot out of him. Construction magic paired with illusions? He’d nearly passed out from the exertion. 

He and Gus had been coming back to the graveyard for a year now—save for the long months Gus had spent in the Human Realm while Mattholomule thought he was dead. But he was home now, and with the Collector and Belos taken care of, they could resume their work restoring and securing the graveyard. 

Mattholomule was fifteen now, Gus a month shy of his own fifteenth birthday. Matt still felt it was unfair as hell for Gus to be taller than him. He glanced over at the other boy, casting illusions about the place, blue circles dancing around his wrists. He paused and fanned himself with the collar of his buttoned up shirt. It was a light blue with a pink floral print. The movement exposed his collarbone and Matty’s ears flicked, cheeks burning. 

Gus was so impossibly cute that it made him mad. No one should be this fucking cute.

“Hey, idiot.” Matt called out to Gus.

He turned around with a grin, sensing the playful tone to Mattholomule’s voice. “Yeah, jerk?”

“Your face looks like a buttcheek.”

Gus clicked his tongue, putting his hand over his heart and walking closer. “Awww, I’m touched , Matty. Really, that’s so sweet of you to say!” 

Gus came over and sat down beside Matt, reaching for their lunch bags. “Is there anything left in here?”

“Just some hex mix.” Matt handed over the open bag of hex mix he’d been picking out of. 

They sat in silence for several minutes, the air buzzing between them. Matt desperately wanted to say something to fill the silence, maybe find some way to make Gus laugh, but he couldn’t think of anything good enough to say. It was too hot and he was too tired. 

“Hey,” he finally said, nudging Gus’s shoulder with his own. “You’ve been extra quiet today.”

Gus nodded, sucking air in through his nostrils, “Yeah.”

Matt stared at him expectantly. Was he gonna elaborate? Was he going to dip into some sort of emotions hour? Mattholomule wasn’t always good with those.

“It’s just…kinda a hard day for me.” Gus offered as a lame excuse.

“How so?” Matt kicked Gus’s foot with his own, reaching for a pretzel in the hex mix bag in Gus’s hands. Emotional hour it was. Matt would try his best to keep up.

“It’s the anniversary of the day my mom died.”

Oh. Oh, fuck. 

“Shit.” Mattholomule swore, dropping his handful of pretzels on the ground, where his palisman, a red, fanged snake named Gremlin, immediately slithered in to steal the food.

“Yeahh.”

“I’m really sorry, Augustus.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It happened a long time ago.” Gus waved off his pity, clearly putting on a front for Matt’s sake.

Matt swallowed. He knew his experience was in no way comparable, but he could sort of understand how Gus maybe felt. “It’s okay to miss her, you know.”

“Oh, I know.” Gus pulled his knees up under his chin, wrapping his arms around his legs to make himself shrink.

“I don’t understand exactly what you’ve been through,” Matt started. “But, it was really hard when my brother left home to join the Emperor’s Coven. He was kinda all I had growing up. Our dad remarried my mom and I was sort of an accident. Steve’s who really raised me, up until he left, anyways. It was hard.”

Gus nodded, watching Matt out of the corner of his eyes, his head leaning on his knees. “Yeah, I can understand that. Losing my mom destroyed my dad. I made her a promise I would work hard in school, because I’ve always been the smartest kid in my class. I completely devoted myself to school and skipped two grades because of it. I got into illusions because of her, really. I’ve just always wanted to make her proud.”

Gus’s voice broke and Matt put his hand on his back, wanting to comfort him somehow, but not entirely sure how. But Gus took the gesture as an invitation and curled himself into Matty’s chest, head on his shoulder, arms around his waist. 

“Thanks for listening, Matt. I really appreciate you,” he whispered into Matt’s neck. 

Matt stiffened at the embrace, but then he softened into the hug, wrapping his own arms around Gus’s back and holding him tight. Somehow, even after being out here for hours and sweating, Gus’s hair still smelled good. Insane. This boy was so fucking insane. But Matt liked him anyway. Even when he was sad and hurting like he was right now. So, Matt held Gus tighter because it’s what he deserved. It wasn’t like he needed this hug too, or anything. That’d be dumb. 

It was a while before Gus pulled away, eyes red-rimmed and wet. “I’m sorry for getting emotional.”

Matt shrugged, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s what friends are for, right?” 

Gus nodded, wiping his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Well, you’re more than just a friend to me, Matty.”

Matt’s eyes widened, his cheeks flushing. He didn’t know what to say. His stomach immediately flooded with pixies. This was fine. This was all totally and perfectly fine. “Yeah, well we should call it a day here, we did a lot.” 

There was a disappointed look on Gus’s face that twisted Matt’s heart. He didn’t want to deal with these emotions. He didn’t want to complicate the only good thing he had in his life. Gus was his best friend. He was his only friend. Dating Gus would mean jeopardizing their friendship, and Mattholomule wasn’t sure he could cross that line. Things were fine just the way they were. Even if they flirted sometimes, even if Matt sometimes just wanted to kiss Gus so bad he ached, he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t ruin the only good thing he had worth living for.

So, instead, Mattholomule took a handful of dirt and threw it at Gus, dirtying his floral shirt and making the taller boy yell out, indignant, before chasing him around the graveyard, his laughter whipping through the air. This was easy. This was nice, and good, and perfect just the way it was. Matt didn’t need this to change.

He laid awake in bed all night, staring at his ceiling. Gus’s words replayed over and over in his head. “You’re more than just a friend to me, Matty.”

Fuck him. Fuck Augustus Porter. Fuck!

Mattholomule rolled over onto his side, crushing his pillow against both ears and squashing his eyes shut, trying to erase the image from his mind. It didn’t work. Gus’s stupidly cute face only came into sharper focus in his head, the words echoing around and around in his mind. 

Matt flopped over onto his back and grabbed fistfuls of his hair, yanking and kicking his feet. He was so mad at Gus for making him feel so confused. He was so mad at Gus for making him lose sleep by thinking about him. 

He flicked on his lamp and reached for his worn copy of Blademage . Maybe reading his favorite book would help him sleep. 

Except all he could think about was how he had introduced Gus to Blademage . Their conversations about the series. Gus’s face when he got to Mattholomule’s favorite parts. Titan! This wasn’t helping at all. 

He shut his book and dropped it onto his nightstand, staring up at the shadows on the wall cast by the lamp. He hated Gus so much. This was all so unfair. Mattholomule didn’t do emotions. Especially not for dumb boys that were your best friend. He wanted to scream. 

He got out of bed and yanked on a shirt before padding down to the kitchen for a sandwich and water. Only, he had no appetite and the bread turned into sawdust in his mouth. 

There was a dim glow coming from Steve’s room, his door ajar. Matt carried the plate to the door and peeked in, seeing if his visiting brother was still awake. Steve was playing video games at his desk, swearing as his thumbs raced across the controller.

“Hey,” Matt said, balancing the plate on one hand and knocking on the door with the other. “Can I come in?”

“Shit!” Steve jumped at Matt’s voice, immediately dying in his game. “I was almost through this level!!”

“Sorry,” Mattholomule grimaced, entering and holding his plate out to Steve with the half-eaten sandwich as a peace offering. “Hungry?”

“Sure.” Steve took the plate and wolfed down the sandwich. “Whatcha doin up, kiddo?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Matt flopped over onto Steve’s bed, limbs all splayed out like a sad and sorry creature.

“Uh, oh,” Steve said around his sandwich. “This looks like boy trouble.”

“How did you know?!?” Matt propped himself up by his elbows, mouth agape as he stared at his brother.

“Hey, I’ve been around for some time now, kid. I know a thing or two.” Steve shrugged, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and releasing a burp. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Gus.”

“Gus? The boy you’ve been in love with forever, Gus?”

“I’m not in love with him!” Matt’s voice went up, shrill and defensive.

“Okay! Okay. You’re not in love with him. So, what’s the deal? Is he not in love with you either?”

Matt glared at Steve before flopping back down and staring up at Steve’s ceiling. “I dunno. He kinda told me he likes me today.”

“That’s great!” Steve said.

“No! It isn’t great!” 

“And why not? You’ve cared about him for a long time now, kid.”

“I don’t knooowww.” Mattholomule groaned, rolling over onto his side and burying his face in his hands. “It’s hard! I just don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“How do you know liking each other will ruin your friendship?”

“Because it means we’d date, or something. I don’t know how this works!!!”

“Well, why would dating ruin what you guys have?”

“Because it just would! Gus is like my only friend. And if I date him, and we break up, what if we aren’t even friends anymore? My life would be over!”

“Damn.” 

“I know,” Matt sucked in a shuddering breath.

The weight of Steve’s body pressed down into the mattress beside him. His brother’s fingers began to comb through his hair, and Matt felt like a kid again, being consoled by his brother when the other kids at school had been bullying him. It felt safe. 

“It’s not the end of the world to have feelings, you know,” Steve said, continuing to comb his fingers through Matt’s hair. “You shouldn’t hold yourself back from being happy just because you’re afraid of the what-ifs. You and Gus should talk about these fears, but I’d be willing to bet he’d be scared of losing you, too. And, if he really likes you and wants to date you, he won’t push your boundaries. If he does, well, he wouldn’t be worth your time, anyway.” 

Steve’s words echoed in Matt’s head all night long and all the next day. He was so nervous about facing Gus again, but he couldn’t avoid him forever. He didn’t want to. He didn’t think he could wait until school tomorrow to see Gus, so he conjured his Penstagram to DM him. They didn’t usually go to the graveyard twice in one weekend, but this was important. 

Mattholomule: Hey dweebus up for the graveyards again today? 😛

Augustus: Hey Matty. Can’t. Sorry! Hw 💔

Oh, this was bad. Matt had fucked up big time apparently. His thumbs danced over the keyboard, trying to figure out how to coax Gus out of his house.

Mattholomule: pleaaaseeee 🥺 it’ll only be a couple hours!

The bubble with the three little dots appeared and disappeared for the next few minutes. Mattholomule was glued to his Penstagram, staring at Gus typing, deleting, and re-typing. Finally, after a few minutes, his text came through.

Augustus: fine. c u in 1 hr 😾

Matt nervously paced around the Looking Glass Ruins, checking his wristwatch every few seconds, waiting for Gus to show up. He should’ve been here by now and Matt was starting to get worried. 

He whipped around to the sound of crunching leaves underfoot and Gus swearing as he got caught in one of his own illusion traps.

“Gus!” Matt exclaimed, rushing forward, drawing a circle in the air.

Gus held up a hand and drew his own circle, containing the illusion and resetting the trap. “I’ve got it, Mattholomule.” 

Matt stopped in his tracks, six feet short of Gus, and waited. He was clearly pissed and getting pissier by the second. 

Gus released a frustrated sigh. “Why did you want to meet?”

Suddenly Matt wasn’t sure what to say. Gus’s demeanor was making him rethink whether any of this was a good idea at all. 

“Um, are you hungry?” He offered weakly, waving at the picnic he’d set out for them both. It wouldn’t make up for his dismissal of Gus’s confession yesterday, but he just prayed to Titan it would make Gus smile.

Gus’s eyebrows furrowed into a confused look. “What’s this?”

“I just thought you’d be hungry. I made you some lunch.” Steve had helped. Actually, the picnic was Steve’s idea, really–though he said Matt could claim it for romances’ sake. He’d thought it was a nice and thoughtful way to show Gus how much he cared about him. Matt made sandwiches, and Steve helped him pack them in a basket along with chips, cookies, and fruit for the boys to share. 

Mattholomule wasn’t sure if this was technically a date or not, but as long as it was unspoken, he found he was surprisingly okay with it.

Gus sat down, cross legged, on the edge of the blanket. He accepted the sandwich and apple blood Matt handed him with a weary eye, like he could see right through this attempted apology.

“Is it good?” Matt asked, watching Gus take a bite.

“It’s a sandwich, Mattholomule. It’s fine.” 

They ate in a silence that was deafening. Gus avoided Matt’s gaze, and he could barely eat at all because his heart kept leaping into his throat. This was so hard. This was downright hell.

Gus picked at the fruit in the basket, and Matt watched him, not knowing what to say.

“Augustus…”

Gus’s gaze snapped to his and Matt gulped, eyes wide, and honestly, terrified.

“What.” 

“Uh–um…”

Gus scoffed. “Titan, I shouldn’t have come here. I’ve got to go, Matty. Thanks for lunch. Really.”

“Gus, wait–”

Gus stood up, anger clearly coursing through his veins and threatening to boil over.

“What? What the hell is this, Mattholomule?? I tell you I have feelings for you, you brush me off, then you ask me to come here, and surprise me with a fucking picnic? I don’t know what your goal is, dude, but you can fucking figure it out. I’ll see you at school.”

Matt jumped to his feet and grabbed Gus’s wrist. “Gus, stop! Please–I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You fucking should be! Who the hell does that!”

“I’m an asshole.” 

“For starters, yes.”

“You deserve better than me.”

“Probably.” 

Matt sighed, letting go of Gus’s wrist, his shoulders drooping. “I’m not good at this, Gus. And I– I was scared.”

“Scared of what?” Gus crossed his arms, staring Matty down.

“Scared of what comes next. I’ve liked you for longer than I was willing to admit to myself, but I didn’t want to lose our friendship. I don’t ever want to lose you.” 

Gus’s face softened by a hair. He still stood defensively, arms crossed, all his protective shields still in place, but Matt could see his defenses cracking around the edges. 

“Why couldn’t you just tell me that?” Gus asked.

“Because I freaked out.”

“Shitty answer.”

“I just. Didn’t know what to say.” Mattholomule shook his head. “I’m lousy and pathetic! I don’t know!”

“Stop putting yourself down.”

Matt met Gus’s eyes. 

“Seriously,” Gus continued. “Stop acting like a fucking wounded animal that doesn’t deserve love. Maybe you don’t deserve me, so what? I don’t give a shit. I like you, Matt. And I want to be with you no matter what that looks like. It’s not like I’m not scared, too, you know. Our friendship means the world to me and I’d be devastated to lose that. But pushing me away is not the answer. You either need to face your feelings and decide if you want me or not, or you’re just gonna end up losing me anyways.”

It was Matt’s turn to cry in front of Gus. He pressed the heels of his hands hard into his eyes, trying to stop the tears from leaking out. “Fuck,” he choked out.

Gus wrapped his arms around him, pulling Matt into his chest. Matt clung to Gus, face buried in his shoulder as he choked out his tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he kept repeating, over and over. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Gus.”

“It’s okay, Matty,” Gus breathed into his hair, rubbing circles into his back. “Just talk to me.”

He pulled back with a sniffle. Self-deprecating was his go-to. He just felt like a loser no matter what. But then there was Gus, who had never given him a reason to feel that way before. Gus, who brought out the best in him and made him want to love himself. Gus, who didn’t even care if Matt had a breakdown in the middle of being mad at him. He was the one constant in Matt’s life outside of Steve and Blademage , and he wanted Gus so, so bad. 

He swallowed thickly and met Gus’s eyes. “I really, really like you, Gus. And I want to date you. I just don’t want to lose you.”

Gus released his breath, a small smile on his lips. He reached for Matty’s waist, dipping his forehead to touch Matt’s. “Then we can go slow. I don’t want to lose you, either, you dingus.”

Matt wrapped his arms around Gus’s neck and hugged him tight. “Slow is good. Thank you, Gus.”

They stayed there for a while longer, laying down on the picnic blanket to discuss boundaries and labels. Matt agreed to let Gus call him his boyfriend and sit with him at lunch, but he still needed to get used to holding hands in public. 

Gus reached for his hand across the blanket, letting their fingers twist and mingle until their palms were flush with one another. 

Matt studied the way their hands fit together like two puzzle pieces. He told Gus he wanted to introduce him to his brother, and Gus said he’d like to have him over for dinner and tell his dad they were together when Matt was ready for that. 

Matt was shocked to realize that nothing changed. He didn’t feel different for telling Gus he liked him. There was no abrupt change as Gus tested out the word “boyfriend” on his lips. 

Gus still teased him, and he still slapped Gus’s shoulder and called him names. It wasn’t at all different. It was still easy. It was still Gus. His Gus, now. His heart tingled and his ears wiggled at the idea that Gus was his, and only his. 

“It’s gonna get dark soon,” Gus said. “My dad’s gonna get worried if I’m out too late on a school night.”

So they packed up the picnic basket and folded the blanket and made to leave. 

“Hey, Matty–think fast!” 

The shove came unexpectedly. Matt toppled off his feet into a pile of leaves near the entrance of the graveyard.

“You ass!” He shrieked.

Gus was laughing–bent over, hands on his knees, laughing. “I’m sorry!” He said around fits of laughter. He reached out his arm to help Matt up, but Matt yanked instead, pulling him down with him.

Gus yelped, landing firmly on top of Mattholomule with a grunt. 

His laughter was gone in an instant as he realized how close they were. Matt’s cheeks grew flushed and Gus’s did too. Gus was warm and weighted on top of him, but he was also silly, and smart, and brave, and insufferable. 

Their limbs were intermingled, and Gus made no effort to roll away. They stared helplessly into each other’s eyes. 

So Mattholomule craned his neck upward by the tiniest hair and pecked Gus’s lips with his own.

He pulled back, frozen, face pale, ears twitching. He licked his lips and watched Gus’s mouth drop agape, his eyes widened. 

Had he really just kissed Gus??

Gus breathed. “Kiss me again.” 

Mattholomule’s face broke into a grin. He wrapped his arms around Gus and pulled him in, closing the distance and kissing him harder this time, lips firm against his. Gus’s arms wrapped around his back, his lips moving over Matt’s, careful and exploratory. It was sloppy, as first kisses were expected to be, but there were fireworks bursting in Mattholomule’s heart. And there was Gus surrounding him, in taste, and sight, and feel, and smell. Gus was there. Kissing him back. Wanting him back just as desperately. And Matty was okay with this. He’d been yearning for this moment for so long that finally tasting Gus’s lips against his own felt like a reward. 

He was Gus’s boyfriend. He got to kiss Gus. He got to tease Gus, and make fun of him, hold his hand, share jokes with him, share ice cream, and dumb movies, and kiss him. He wasn’t going to lose him. Not ever.