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Chapter Text

"Hey! Watch where you're going, Black" James laughed. He rubbed his hip with a sore face and unbuckled his helmet. 

"How do you know my name?" his best friends sharp voice cut through the ice rink. James removed his helmet, ruffling his hair. 

"What do you mean? We've been best friends for ever. You must've really hit your head" James said, finally turning around. Where he expected his best friend, there is a slightly shorter boy, dressed in tight black clothes. He his curls are tied back in a small bun and his face is covered in freckles. His face slightly resembles that of his best friend though. James must've hit his head real hard himself.

"You're not Sirius" he gasped. The other boy looked him up and down and crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

"No shit, dickhead. Now move, you're in my way" he said, sighing heavily. James wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand, but didn't move. 

"What's your name?" he asked. The other boy rolled his eyes again.

"Black. Regulus Black" he said. James nodded and moved to the side just the tiniest bit. The smaller boy, Regulus Black, skated gracefully past him. James looked down at his skates. Figure skates. James looked around, but Sirius was nowhere to be found. He looked up and found him standing pressed against the glass of the cafeteria, waving at James. God, that kid was fast. Just a few minutes ago they had been on the ice. James rubbed his eyes before exiting the rink to find his friends. He dropped his helmet on one of the benches in the locker room and started untying his own skates, hockey skates. He carefully cleaned away the ice and dried them off before placing the protective case around the blades and swinging them over his shoulders. He grabbed his bag and his helmet and went straight to the cafeteria, which had a view on the rink. 

"James!" Lily's voice sounded when he walked in. He smiled brightly as he approached her and gave her a brief kiss on the lips before wrapping one arm around her waist. 

"Aw look at my favorite couple" Sirius said as he approached them. James let go of his girlfriend and embraced his best friend. They walk back to Peter, who has claimed a table already, laptop open, textbooks scattered all around him. 

"Wormy!" James greeted him with a big smile. The smaller boy looked up and moved two fingers away from his head as a from of a greeting. 

"How was your break, James?" Lily asked, curling up against him in their booth. James mimicked a big yawn to indicate it was very boring. 

"How can Scotland possibly be boring mate, I'd kill to go back there" Sirius sighs. 

"You were invited dude, you refused the offer because the tall basketball boy also stayed on campus during break. How did that work out for you by the way? Made any moves?" James laughed. Sirius had been living with him and his parents since he was sixteen and he was practically considered a part of their family now. Now, in university, James and Sirius were still roommates. 

"I barely even saw him dude, I still don't even know his name" Sirius cried out. Peter looked up again, shaking his head, as he sipped from his hot chocolate.

"You are a disaster, mate" he stated. Sirius buried his head in his hands. 

"God, I know Pete, I know." 

"How was your break, dear?" James asked Lily, planting a kiss on the tip of her nose. Lily scrunched her face.

"Petunia and her husband are truly insufferable" she said, sticking her finger to her mouth and mimicked the sound of throwing up. 

"Husband?" Peter exclaimed.

"Yupp, she got married last summer. Poor girl is only twenty-two and already stuck with that type of bloke forever" Sirius sighed, shaking their head. 

"It seems like it is what she truly wants, though" Lily said. Sirius pulled a face of disgust and James let his eyes dart back to the rink, following the people below them skate rounds on the ice. He didn't realise he was looking for Regulus until he finds him, smoothly gliding over the ice. Every move he made was truly graceful, so opposing from the way he and his teammates move. They were the ice hockey team on campus, they were known as aggressive and brute, but still seemed to float on the ice. What Regulus did goes beyond floating. He was quite literally flying while he practiced the same jump over and over. James had seen figure skaters before, obviously, they shared the rink, but none of them were quite like this boy. And something else stuck with him. He had told him his last name was Black, but Sirius had never mentioned anyone named Regulus. Especially not someone who looked like him this much. He snapped his gaze away from the eye and turned back to his friends. 

"Sirius, the craziest thing happening by the-" he started, but Sirius placed his hand on James' shoulder to cut him off and motioned his head towards the entrance of the cafeteria. The tall basketball player Sirius had been drooling over all year just walked in. They knew nothing about him, expect that he was a first year, so they didn't share any classes. James leaned back in his seat, his story would come later. Lily offered him a sip of her tea, which he gratefully accepted. He studied the tall boy, he had mousy blonde hair and scars running all over his body. James could see why Sirius found him attractive. The boy, however, seemed to not have seen them. Or maybe he had, but why would he care, they had never spoken a word to one another. Sirius however, seemed to take this very personal. 

"I'm going up to him" they said as the boy sat down at one of the empty tables and got out his laptop.

"You've been trying for forever now, will this time really me different?" James asked him. Sirius fiercely nodded.

"I can feel it in my bones. The man of my dreams is waiting for me" he said as he walked off. 

•••

Sirius took a deep breath before letting go of James' chair and moving himself in the direction of the boy they had been keeping an eye on all year. Usually, Sirius had no problem getting what or who they wanted, but every time he approached this boy something seemed to go wrong. Sirius let out a big sigh when he noticed the boy was wearing headphones. There went their chance again. He was just turning around when the boy looked up.

"Can I help you with something?" he asked with a deep voice and Sirius practically swooned. For a second they had forgotten what they came to do, but when he glanced over to his friends he found James sticking up his thumbs and the sigh of his best friend seemed to ground them a bit. They took a chair at the boys table without asking, but he didn't seem to mind. He removed his headphones and placed them around his neck. 

"I asked if I could help you with something" the boy reminded Sirius. They blinked a few times and cleared their throat.

"Oh eh, well yes. I need your name. Asking for a friend, obviously" he awkwardly said, rubbing the back of his neck. The boy raised his eyebrows.

"A friend, huh" he said with a wink. Sirius felt themselves turning bright red at this. 

"Yes. My friend would also really like to know your name" Sirius said sheepishly, too distracted by the way the scars on the boy's face moved as he spoke. 

"Lupin. Remus Lupin" he boy said, holding out his hand for Sirius to shake. 

"I'm Si-"

"Sirius Black. I know, yes" Remus Lupin said. God what a sexy fucking name. 

"How do you know?" Sirius asked, eyebrows raised.

"You and your friends are quite the celebrities on campus, you know. It's hard not to know your name" Remus said. Sirius played with a strand of their hair.

"Ah yes. The famous second years. Only heard good things about me, I hope?" he joked. Remus looked away with a smile lingering around his lips. 

"From most people yes. My roommate however seems to have a personal vendetta against you though" he said. Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Do they? How come?" they said. Remus shook his head.

"Can't tell. He'll kill me" he replied, raising his hands. Sirius pretended to be offended, but he did end up exchanging phone numbers with Remus.

Sirius made a little happy dance as they walked back to their friends. 

"Well done mate, you actually talked to him" Peter exclaimed and Sirius flexed their muscles to prove their dominance. 

"Blacks always get what they want" he said. James seemed to open his mouth to say something, but Lily cut him off. 

"Guys! Dorlene is back on campus" she squelched excitedly as she gathered her stuff. The four of them left the sport complex and made their way to the great hall, where they found Marlene and Dorcas hand in hand, talking to a first year Sirius had seen in passing a few times, but he had no idea who she was. He pulled his friends into a big hug and everything felt right. Sirius was so ready for this new semester.

•••

"Reg, you'll never guess who talked to me today" Remus said as he entered his and Regulus' dormitory. Regulus drops his marker on his textbook. 

"It was my brother, wasn't it?" he guessed. Remus blinked a few times before frowning.

"Well, yea, it was, actually, but how did you know?"  Remus asked his friend, completely stunned. Regulus just rolled his eyes as if it was so totally obvious. 

"You wouldn't be so excited if it were anyone else, Lupin" he declared. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but closed it as soon as he realised Regulus was right. 

"What did he want?" Regulus asked, eyes narrowed.

"My name" Remus replied, leaving Regulus visibly relieved. 

"How long do you think you can keep this up, Reg? Introducing yourself with a different last name so he won't know you're here?" Remus asked, because quite frankly, he did not agree with his friends way of keeping some sort of secret identity. Regulus had always dreamed of this university, Remus knew this, but now he had to pretend to be someone else just because his brother also went here? Remus thought it was unfair. 

"I did something stupid, by the way" Regulus stated. Remus narrowed his eyes. Regulus rarely admitted he did something stupid, making mistakes was the same as dying in his eyes. Something his mother has beaten into him when he was a child. Remus had learned to tip toe around the topic of mistakes over the past years, so Regulus bringing it up meant something.

"I eh, I skated into the Potter boy," Regulus started and Remus arched an eyebrow, "And I might have introduced myself as Regulus Black. Just to fuck with him, you know, but the look on his face? I know for sure he recognised Sirius in me." Remus pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

"Good move" he said, sarcastically.

"God, don't remind me. I'm surprised Sirius has not yet recognised me. Although, he only remembers the old me, obviously. I don't think the possibility of me being anything but a girl has ever crossed his ignorant little brain. Neither did the thought of me leaving that house, obviously, but I hope Potter can keep his little mouth shut" Regulus said, obviously planning a way to keep Potter quiet. Maybe Sirius finding out was not Regulus' only concern. Other people finding out would undoubtedly lead to the two of them being constantly compared. Regulus turned his gaze back to Remus, clearly realising they we're talking about him. 

"Did you get anything out of it, other than him knowing your name?" he asked. Remus held up his phone.

"We exchanged numbers. He was so awkward, it was kind of cute" Remus sighed. He had thought Sirius Black was cute since the moment he had first seen him strutting around campus with his little clique of friends. Regulus had no been pleased with this, obviously, but so far it had been nothing more than a harmless little crush, so who cared. Regulus had also liked one of Remus' nemesis's from high school, even dated him for a while, so Remus knew he would feel guilty if he forbid Remus to develop feelings for his brother. Besides, he had no way of stopping the feelings so that would just be unfair. 

"We know you think my brother is cute, okay? I still don't get why you would prefer him over me" Regulus sighed. Remus reached out and pinched Regulus' cheeks.

"Because you are like a little brother to me" he said jokingly.

"And Sirius is my brother" Regulus hissed. Fair point.

"Okay so maybe not like a brother. You are like... God I don't know? You're just my best friend and also you are a nerd, I'm not into nerds."

"You are a nerd" 

"Yea? Obviously? Opposites attract, so I can't be into nerds" Remus said. 

"You think my brother is not a nerds? God you have a lot to learn" Regulus said, rolling his eyes. 

"Mmh I don't mind learning about your brother" Remus sighed as he laid down on his bed. He was actually just a tad too tall for the bed, so sleeping was always just a bit of an uncomfortable situation. Regulus threw a pen to his head.

"Gross" he called out. Remus shrugged and closed his eyes.

"Wake me up in time for dinner, will ya?" he asked.

"Sure" Regulus said, but Remus still set an alarm on his phone because Regulus tended to be quite the workaholic, once he was busy with something, he would forget everything around him and put all his energy into what he was doing. Due to this, the both of them often forgot to eat, sleep or use the toilet. It was not ideal, but Remus was glad Regulus had transferred here at the end of last semester. He was so used to their little routine, he forgot to do his homework when he was on his own. Regulus couldn't start university in September, like everyone else, because Walburga did not want him in any 'regular' college. She 'only wanted the best of the best for her daughter', even though Regulus had started transitioning about three years ago, not long after Sirius had left, and going to the college Walburga wanted Regulus to be in, meant giving up his passion, figure skating. And so Regulus had followed in his brothers footsteps. He left home and never came back and there was nothing Walburga could do, because Regulus was of age. Remus was really glad to have his best friend back at the same school. The one problem was Sirius Black. Remus was so very much attracted to him, but he had traumatised his best friend for life, he kind of very much hated him for what he had done to Regulus and his friends were really fucking annoying. They strutted the hallway like they owned the school like, these kids were only a year above them. They were second years, for fucks sake. So yeah, Remus actually really disliked Sirius Black, but something inside of him was so drawn to the boy, it was complete and utter bullshit.

•••

Regulus' workflow had been disrupted by Remus' alarm for dinner, which didn't even wake his friend up. Regulus rolled back his chair and walked over to Remus. He gently sat down next to him on the bed, making sure not to wake him yet, and turned off the alarm. For a second he listened to Remus' soft snores. Regulus could also choose to get back to work now, he has lots of things to finish, to catch up to. Transferring mid-term is not the easiest route. He could just sit down at his desk again and let Remus sleep till he eventually wakes up and has to live of granola bars again, but Regulus decides he has some human decency left in his body. Besides, he could stay in his dorm all night, he had places to be and people to talk to. He didn't know where he has to be and if he would find the person he needs to talk to, but that's okay. Blacks always get what they want. He pinched Remus' nose between his pointer finger and his thumb and watched his friends gasp for air as he woke up. 

"Jesus Christ, what the fuck Reg" Remus growled and Regulus just grinned.

"Time for dinner, sleeping beauty" he said, tugging on Remus' arm. 

"Cut the violence please" Remus begged but Regulus didn't stop.

"I don't get why you would set an alarm to the  just sleep through it." he shrugged. 

"I'm just really fucking tired and it has been happening since you're here so I'm blaming you" Remus said, sticking out his tongue. Regulus flipped him the bird and finally got him out of bed. 

The great hall was packed, which surprised Regulus every time, because the food passes here were fucking expensive, but most people here came from money. They joined Barty, Regulus' ex and Remus' ex nemesis, and Evan at their usual table. It might sound weird, big groups of childhood friends, all together in the same school, but this was no normal university. It was a school for people with both money and potential in sports. And growing up together, lots of friendgroups grew to love the same things, and so they had all ended up together here. Regulus looked around the hall for his brother and friends. Of course they were all there, Regulus had not seen their group in entirety yet since he had only been here since the Christmas break which had ended today. There were so many students at this university, it was quite frightening. Luckily none of Regulus' direct family members, but still some familiar faces of people he had seen at his parents parties. Not that anyone would recognise him since he had seen none of these people since he started transitioning, but still. He had Sirius' face after all. 

Regulus had been so busy staring at his brother, he had completely forgotten about Potter. 

"He is leaving now, run" Remus whispered in his ear, shaking Regulus from his thoughts.

"What? Oh, yeah I'll be right back" he said, dropping his fork on his plate and mumbling some excuse about having to use the toilet. He manoeuvred his way through the crowd of people and exited through the same door Potter just did. 

"Hey, you" Regulus yelled, trying to look as casual as possible, leaning against the wall. Potter turned around and pushed his glasses higher up on his nose. He squinted to try and recognise Regulus, which annoyed him. Had Potter already forgotten him? Nope, he had not.

"Regulus Black, wasn't it?" he said, walking closer to him. Regulus nodded and combed his hand through his hair. He didn't even know if Potter was gay, but usually his charms got every job done. 

"What do I owe the pleasure too?" Potter asked.

"I am here to ask you for a favour" Regulus shrugged, as innocent as possible. James  nodded and Regulus pushed him up against the wall, their faces dangerously close. James gasped for air, but Regulus didn't back up. 

"You're going to pretend you didn't catch my last name? yeah? My last name is Lestrange, nothing more, nothing less" Regulus hissed and James raised his eyebrows.

"Why?" he whispered. 

"Can't say. Just forget you ever met me and don't try to talk to my br- To your best friend about this. He. Can't. Find. Out." Regulus said, pushing James harder with every word. The boy was having a hard time breathing and struggled to push Regulus off of him. He saw James thinking and the  it clicked.

"Your brother? That's what you were going to say, right?" Regulus didn't reply but James burst out laughing. This caught Regulus off guard and he loosened his grip.

"Sirius doesn't have a brother. Only a sister" James laughed. Regulus rolled his eyes. He had not expected this man to be this dense. 

"Sure. Whatever. I'll forget you claimed to be a Black, alright? Just, let fucking go of me you weirdo" James said and Regulus released his hand from James' wrist. 

"Jesus Christ you are fucking insane" James grumbled, shaking his wrist. 

"Runs in the family" Regulus shrugged. He was about to turn away but had to make one last comment.

"This never happened? Okay? If I find out you told anyone, you're fucking dead" Regulus said. Then he finally turned around and walked back to his dinner.

Chapter Text

Regulus Black, or Regulus Lestrange, kept James up all night. Who was he and why was he so set on making sure James wouldn't mention him to Sirius, who he had called his brother? 

"Sirius?" James whispered, checking if his friend was still up, which, of course, he was.

"Yeah?" his friends voice sounded from the other side of the room. 

"You only hav- had a sister, right?" James asked. He was unsure if it was a good idea to ask this, Sirius usually closed off when someone asked about his biological family. 

"Yeah? Why?" Sirius answered. 

"Eh, nothing, just asking" James responded back, turning over to his back. 

"Prongs, you've been turning around in your bed all night and now you're asking weird questions, what's up?" Sirius asked, turning on his bedside light. James took a few seconds to let his eyes get used to the light, looking to the blur that was his best friend. He was too tired to put on his glasses. The blur moved and Sirius was now sitting up. 

"No really, there's nothing. I was just thinking, yeah?" James said. He heard Sirius shift in their bed. 

"You know you can tell me anything right?" Sirius said. James sighed, Regulus voice sounding in the back of his head. 

"It's just, I ran into someone who looked a bit like you but I probably saw it wrong" James lied. Well, it was only half a lie anyways. He knew Sirius would be frowning right now.

"Alright" he sighed. 

"I'm just going to take a walk, I think. Can't sleep anyways" James said, grabbing his glasses. He threw on a sweatshirt over his tshirt and got up. It was winter and a sweater and sweatpants would be no where near warm enough, but James was used to being on the ice, so a bit of winter air he could manage. 

"Alright mate, just try and catch some sleep later" Sirius sighed, also standing up. He grabbed some left overs from the refrigerator and sat down on their shared couch. 

"Why can't you sleep?" James asked, eyeing Sirius suspiciously.

"Just thinking about Remus, did you know he plays bass? How can one be any more perfect" Sirius sighed and James shook his head laughing. 

"You've got it bad for someone you don't even know" he said. Sirius grimaced.

"Don't remind me. Stalking his instagram makes me feel like I know him, though." 

"You are unbelievable" James said, stepping into his shoes. 

"I know" Sirius replied as James left their dorm. James had no idea where he was going to go, usually he just wandered around for a bit until he found somewhere nice to sit. The rink would open in an hour, he could also wait there, but that meant he had to go back now to gather his stuff, and Sirius would definitely stop him from skating that early. No, he had to go back home in an hour, sneak back in and hope Sirius would be asleep. It was officially Saturday now, meaning he could also just sleep in and get some rest before going out in the evening, but James really could not sleep. Sometimes James missed living with his parents. He had been going to a boarding school since he was eleven years old and it had taken him almost years to be comfortable enough to fall asleep there. His friends made it feel safer but James still had a hard time. By the time he had really gotten used to it, they were off to uni already. The only times he slept amazing were when he was with Lily, when he was home, or when he had alcohol in his system. He couldn't go home right now, Lily was having a girls night and he couldn't drink if he wanted to skate in about an hour. And so he just walked around a bit. Sure he had missed his friends over the break, but the campus was something he'd never really miss. The only nice part was the great hall, the rest of it were just concrete boxes. It was truly depressing, but at least the sport complexes were nice. This was, after all, the best uni in Great Britain if you wanted to combine sports with school. The people at this school all practiced sports at a high level, some even reached olympic level and were offered a different selection of classes. Scouts often came looking at games and James biggest dream was to be scouted for an American team, since ice hockey definitely wasn't as big in England. James sat down on one of the benches at the start of the small park bordering the campus. He looked up to the stars, finding Sirius with ease. His friend has shown him his star so many times. James' gaze went over the other stars and stopped at the brightest star of the Leo constellation. He had done quite some research about stars over the past hears, he even took astronomy at his high school. So he knew exactly what star this was. Regulus. It couldn't be a coincidence he, Regulus Black was, just like Sirius, after the brightest star in a constellation, but as far as James knew, Sirius only had a sister, whose name he could not even recall. She had stayed behind when Sirius left, stood by as Sirius was being beaten by their mom, never did one thing to protect Sirius from the abuse. Sirius hated his sister and if they had a brother, James was sure he'd known about it. He tried to type Regulus' name into his instagram search bar, but nothing came up. He did, however, find Remus' account. James could definitely see what Sirius saw in him, he was tall, good looking, and like stated before, played bass guitar. He had a highlight on his profile dedicated to books and one to music. James pressed the follow button, not really thinking about how weird it'd be for the other boy to receive a follow notification at this time of night, but surprisingly enough, Remus almost immediately followed him back. James let out a small snort at this, clearly someone else could not sleep either. He checked the time again and decided it was time to head back to his room. 

The lights were off again when James sneaked in. He grabbed his bag and his skates from his chair as silently as he could and froze in place when Sirius mumbled something in their sleep. James lit the way back to the door with his phone's flashlight, hoping it'd be just soft enough not to wake them. He made it out safely and just like that he was on his way to the ice halls.

The cold air hit him in the face when he walked in, greeting the security guard, who rubbed his forehead, trying to figure out why on earth someone would go ice skating at six AM. Music blasting through James' headphones, he walked through the building like he fucking owned this place, and to be honest, he kind of felt like he did. He changed tied up his skates in the locker room for the hockey team and awkwardly strutted to the benches next the the ice. Even after all these years of playing, walking with his skates on, with the protection over the blades, was something we would never be able to do gracefully. He expected the rink to be empty, obviously, because once again, who the hell would go skating at six AM, that's just not something college students did. Especially not on Saturdays. But there he was, spinning pirouettes on the ice, his black hair curling around his face as he gracefully turned. Regulus had not seen or heard James come in, too focused on his routine and his own music, but James was entranced. He watched the boy fly over the ice and time seemed to stop around him. Regulus was dressed completely in black, which was ironic to James, because Sirius did the same, must come with the last name, he thought to himself. His tight clothes hugging his soft figure perfectly. He looked straight out of a dream. For a minute or two James forgot what he came to do, he was just staring Regulus down, until his music changed to something heavier and James seemed to wake up from a trance. He did one last check on his laces and removed the protector from his blades. The moment his skates touched the ice, he was greeted with a familiar kind of energy. A sort of excitement that went through his body every time he set foot on ice. He was totally awake and aware of everything around him and he pushed his earbuds in a bit further, trying to secure them from falling out. He started skating rounds around the ring for a warm up and finally Regulus noticed him. The boy stopped doing what he was doing and followed James with his gaze for a bit. James was very much aware of this, but he pretended not to see him, not to notice him. A small smirk creeped around his lips, which Regulus probably wouldn't be able to see, seeing how fast he was going. It was stupid, going this fast this soon into practise, but he felt the urge to impress the other boy, though he wasn't exactly sure why. Maybe it was some sort of rivalry. Trying to overshadow him, showing him who had the power here. Showing him he couldn't just be told what to do, though, James felt like he would in fact, do anything Regulus told him to. There was something majestic about the boy, it was no wonder he was named after the heart of the lion. Still, there he was, standing there, staring at James. It gave James a feeling of satisfaction, Regulus' eyes on him. He did a couple more rounds before casually sliding across the ice, stopping himself just before the exit closest to where he had put his bag to drink some water. From the corner of his eye, he saw Regulus skating his way. He looked... angry? 

"What are you doing here?" the boy hissed, and James subconsciously set a step back. 

"Skating, obviously" James replied dryly. 

"It's six thirty in the morning on a Saturday. Why are you skating?" Regulus insisted. 

"Couldn't sleep" James said and Regulus eyed him suspiciously.

"What do you fucking think I'm doing here? You think I came here for you? I was just as surprised to find you here" James snapped. Who did this kid think he was? 

"Normal people don't get up this early."

"First off, I didn't get up, I never went to sleep in the first place, second, you're also here." Regulus looked James up and down, arms crossed in front of his chest. 

"I never claimed to be normal" he said. It was so pathetic, James let out a snort.

"So quirky."

•••

James looked at him with a familiar kind of rivalry in his gaze. It was the kind Regulus often saw with other skaters. A look that said told him James was threatened by him, as he should be. Meeting James had been perfect, Regulus had finally found the person who stole his brother all those years ago. He found the person he'd been hating since he was ten years old. James, of course, had no idea what he had done yet. It was so easy for Regulus to make his life a living hell, especially if they kept running into each other like this. Regulus made a mental note James would probably be here more often this early, which was perfect, because so was he. But contrary to James, Regulus was here because he had a very strict training schedule and while he loved being on the ice, being here at six AM was a bit much in his opinion. At least his mother didn't coach him anymore. Narcissa was not much better, but at least she respected his identity and had sworn secrecy to prevent his mother from finding out. And besides, Narcissa herself was one of the best figure skaters of the country, so if starting your training at six AM on a Saturday was what it took according to her, Regulus would gladly believe it. She was not here right now, obviously, but she had left him clear instructions on what to practice before they would see each other next.  Till then, the school coach did her job just good enough. Right now though, it was just the two of them, Regulus standing right across James fucking Potter.

"What have I ever done to you? We've never even fucking met" James said, his eye almost unnoticeable twitching, which oddly satisfied Regulus. It meant James was growing annoyed which was not only funny to Regulus, it also upped the chances of James leaving the rink. As fun as it was to annoy James, Regulus had come here to train and he was terrified of making mistakes in front of others, so with James being present, he could not focus on learning new skills, out of fear James would see him fail. Failing was embarrassing and deserved punishment, his mother had taught him. And she had elaborated this time and time again, punishing Sirius to the point where he had quit figure skating. As much as he hated his brother, Regulus was glad to see Sirius was now on the ice hockey team, not ditching skating as a whole. He hated his brother, but he hated his mother even more, and being so severely abused to the point where you give up your passion, it was something on a whole other level. Regulus knew the feeling, he had thought about quitting time and time again, first his mothers exhausting parenting and then the start of his transition, it had all taken a toll on his body and his mind.

"Hello? Are you going to answer me?" James snapped his fingers in front of Regulus' face. He blinked a few times as he was being sucked back into the present. 

"You'll find out. Possibly" Regulus said, forcing a smirk onto his face. James took a sip from his water bottle and Regulus watched his Adams apple move up and down as he swallowed. 

"You're in my way" James said, ignoring Regulus' answer to his own question. Regulus looked at the space between them and yes, he was indeed blocking James' way out, but James clearly was not going to be leaving any time soon, the annoying shit he was. It was so obvious he had gotten used to everyone just doing as he said, but Regulus could see why they did, as he did step out of the way, watching James smoothly skate back onto the ice and zigzagged over the rink. Regulus just stood there for a while, not wanting to exhaust himself yet but also unable to practice anything new, until James came back to him. Or well, to his stuff. Or so Regulus thought, because James did not leave the ice but stopped right in front of him again. 

"Why aren't you moving?" he asked, slightly out of breath. His hair was all messed up and it was a miracle how his glasses stayed on his face. 

"I don't like practicing with people around" Regulus admitted, not sure why he was giving this away. 

"But I saw you here yesterday" James frowned. Regulus looked down at his skates. 

"Doing routines I know from the top of my head yeah, I have to practice new things today and I can't do that with anyone seeing me" he said. He wanted to crash his face into the ice, bash his skull in with one of his skates. He was not supposed to tell anyone this, especially not James Potter. He expected the other boy to laugh, to call him stupid, just to do anything mean, but he didn't. 

"Okay, that makes sense. Do you want me to leave?" James asked. He was being understanding. Why was he being understanding? He wasn't supposed to be nice, Regulus was supposed to hate him forever and ever, James could not just choose his own path and be nice to him. 

"Yes" Regulus answered. James nodded and moved past Regulus to grab his things. 

"I suppose you come here this early more often, yeah?" James asked and this was Regulus' time to nod. 

"All right, so do I and I don't want to get in your way. It is clear you don't like me for whatever reason but I'm not here to sabotage you. Will you give me your phone number so I can text you to ask if you are here to practice anything you are still learning so I know whether or not to come down here?" James asked. Regulus narrowed his eyes in suspicion. 

"If you do anything else with my number y-" he started, but James cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm dead. We get it, mr edge" James sighed, pulling his phone from his bag. He handed it over to Regulus, who quickly added his name and number, trying to suppress his shaking hands as much as he could. He had never expected James Potter to be an actual... decent person. Not that he had really thought of James as his own person, to be honest. He had always just been the boy who had replaced him. The one his brother preferred. The one that had made Sirius grow bored of him, forget about him, his little sister. 

"You are so boring, Rev. If James was here, he would definitely come with me" Sirius said. Regulus shook his head violently. 

"You know mother will punish you, Sirius" he said. Sirius grinned. 

"Thats why I need you, Revati. You are mothers little darling daughter. She will never hurt you."

But she did. Mother did hurt him when Sirius left. Mother hurt him when Sirius was at school. Mother hurt him when he tried to come out to her. Mother hurt him in so many ways Sirius would never see, because he didn't care. He didn't care about his sibling he left alone. He was probably out, having fun with James fucking Potter. 

Regulus watched James as he did, in fact, leave the sport complex, leaving Regulus behind on his own to practice in peace. He spent the entirety of the morning reminding himself James was not a good person, he had just done one nice thing. 

•••

Remus sighed as he waited for his best friend at the dinner table. After all these years, you'd think he would have gotten used to Regulus losing track of time and arriving late, but somehow Remus had hope every single time. His own flaw, to be honest. He could have just started on his food, but he patiently waited. Finally Black approached him, but it wasn't the one he was waiting on. 

"Remus" Sirius smiled, a dimple showing in his left cheek. He was truly godlike. 

"Sirius" Remus nodded, poking at his mashed potatoes with his fork. 

"Why don't you come sit with us?" Sirius offered, waving his hand at towards his table with his friends. Remus looked up and frowned. 

"That's a lot of people, people are not really my thing" he grumbled. It was half a lie, Remus wanted nothing more than to sit with Sirius and their friends, but he couldn't leave because what if Regulus came in. 

"You promised me you'd go out with us tonight though" Sirius pouted. Remus let out a small laugh. 

"That's true, so I should not drain my social battery yet" Remus joked. 

"Come on, wouldn't it be nice to meet my lot beforehand?" Sirius insisted, causing Remus to laugh again. 

"You got my name a day ago and now I'm already meeting the friends?" he said. Sirius rolled his eyes. 

"You're the one who stayed up all night texting me" he said. 

"So did you!" Remus shot back and Sirius shrugged, reaching over to take Remus' tray with food. 

"You're coming with me" he said and walked away. Remus muttered a few curses under his breath as he followed Sirius like a pathetic puppy. They had only been talking for a day, but Remus had been drooling over Sirius for the entirety of the school year so far, so he would probably do anything they asked him to do. He had known the moment Sirius had asked to sit with them, he was going to lose this fight. Sorry Regulus. 

Remus took a seat across from Sirius, who was sitting next to who Remus recognized to be James. James was next to his girlfriend and Remus sat in-between Peter Pettigrew and a girl he didn't know yet. Sirius did a round of names, and Remus tried to focus, he really did, but everything just went in through one ear and out through the other. He was too focussed on watching Sirius. He got fired with questions from every side and learned Sirius had also been 'obsessed' with him, in James' words. Remus found himself very flustered by this, he was not the kind of guy people like Sirius were interested in. In the meantime, he still had not eaten anything. He had a hard time eating when Regulus was not around, a terrible habit that had developed over the course of the years. Neither of them had the best relationship with food, so eating together made things a little easier. The comfort of having someone who understood the way you felt looking at your plate filled with calories. The past half year had been though, Remus had found himself throwing away his food after just a few bites. There had been a couple of incidents of him passing out during practice and Evan and Barty tried to give him as much support as they could, but Remus was only just getting used to the dynamic of not hating the pair of them, so they weren't much comfort. It worried Remus when Regulus didn't show up to dinner, because that meant neither of them would eat well and they would stuff themselves on protein bars late at night, another bad habit they had developed over the years, Walburga's doing. She tried to put Regulus on a diet of those things for a bit, feeding in to his already existing eating disorder. Somedays it was still the only thing the boy would eat, his body quite literally rejecting any other food. 

"You're on the basketball team, right?" James' girlfriend asked. Remus thought to recall her name being Lily. She was very pretty, her red hair framing her face perfectly and her freckles spread over her face like hundreds of little stars. 

"Uhu" Remus said, nodding his head. He loved playing basketball, but he hated talking about it. He didn't know why, probably because the only thing people were interested in was knowing if he was any good and how do you answer such a question? 

"Any other hobbies?" Lily asked, with a gentle smile. 

"I eh, I like to read" Remus said as he felt his cheeks heating up. 

"Me too!" Lily exclaimed excitedly, her entire face lighting up.

"Nerd" James said before pressing a small kiss onto her forehead. Lily pushed him away with a loud laugh. Remus could probably watch the couple forever, their dynamic was so great, it felt straight out of a movie. He knew so little about these two, but he could tell they were most definitely soulmates. 

"Gross" the girl next to Remus joked, sticking her finger to the back of her throat to mimic like she was throwing up. She was very pretty, her big afro like a cloud around her head and the pastels she was wearing perfectly contrasting her dark skin. Why were all Sirius' friends so beautiful, it was honestly unfair. Not that his own friends were anywhere near ugly, but these people, every single one of them, were fucking godly. That's probably also why people treated them like they were actual gods. He felt like an intruder between these people. 

His attention was taken away his phone ringing. He wanted to press the call away, but it was Regulus and no bone in Remus' body could even think about pressing Regulus away. And so he answered the call. 

"Hello?" Remus said, pressing the phone closely to his ear.

"Will you please come back to our dorm?" Regulus asked. Something in his voice cracked and Remus was up in an instant. He excused himself and told Sirius he'd meet them at the entrance of the great hall at ten before rushing out. He had not hung up the call, but neither of them said anything until Remus actually entered the room to find Regulus curled up in a ball on the bed, working his way through one of the protein bars they kept in their dorm in bulk. 

"Reg?" Remus said, putting away his phone, finally ending the call. Regulus looked up, he looked exhausted.

"Hi" he breathed. Remus sat down on the floor next to Regulus' bed. Regulus did not like people sitting on his bed when he way laying down and Remus preferred sitting on the ground over sitting anywhere else, so it was just perfect for the both of them. 

"You were gone all day" Remus stated and Regulus  absently nodded. 

"Had a long day" he clarified. This gave Remus no context whatsoever, but Regulus usually stayed at the rink all day when he was stressed and he wasn't going to pry. 

"I'm going clubbing with your brother and his lot" Remus announced. Regulus smiled at him.

"Look at you being social" he joked. Remus batted his hand at his hand which Regulus skillfully dodged. Regulus obviously wasn't going to talk any more about his day and Remus had done nothing more than just reading all day, so instead he walked over to his closet and started picking out an outfit. He tried on almost his entire closet, Regulus sometimes calling out remarks on certain pieces, assuring him he looked good in his pants and they did make his ass look bigger, how this shirt didn't match his shoes and how that shirt was just straight up ugly and Remus let out more sighs than he ever had in his entire life. He needed to impress Sirius, he had just learned the interest was mutual so now he had to keep Sirius' attention. The problem was, however, Remus had no idea how to do that. He had absolutely zero clue how to grab or hold Sirius attention as he had no idea what they were into. Remus imagined Sirius would probably pull up looking like a straight up movie star and any outfit Remus put together would always look dull next to Sirius. Maybe he was just an extremely boring person. Most of his closet just consisted of big knitted sweaters. His friends used to call him a grandfather trapped in a young man's body and that was probably the most accurate description of Remus anyone would ever get. He let out a frustrated sigh as he threw on his final white button up over a pair of straight leg black jeans and combed his hand through his hair, making it a bit more messy, but organized messy. 

"Remus, you look great. Unfortunate for me you prefer my brother over me, because I'd smash" Regulus called at him from the other side of the room. Remus winked at him before looking back in the mirror. He didn't look bad, he just looked so... normal? Plain. He looked plain, but he had no idea how to fix it and his phone told him it was time to head down. He said his goodbyes to Regulus and left his room, meeting Sirius and friends downstairs, already waiting on him.

Chapter Text

Sirius almost gasped for air when he saw Remus walk their way. He wasn't wearing any spectacular or daring outfit, but Sirius just had never seen him in a button up before and god, he was so attracted to this boy. It was unbelievable and also quite embarrassing. James nudged him. 

"Mate, close your mouth" he whispered in his ear and Sirius quickly collected themselves. 

"You look great" they told Remus, who turned bright red and looked away, flustered. Sirius wanted to take his hand and hold him, but he felt that would be weird. He did however walk just close enough to Remus so their hands would occasionally brush against each other. It was so rewarding, finally being with the person they had been longing for for the past six months and Sirius wondered to himself why he had not made a move anytime sooner. They usually had  no problem with getting whatever and whoever he wanted, but when it came to people he actually liked, they were a mess. Probably also because Sirius had not ever really liked someone. Found people attractive, obviously, but actually liked? No. They hadn't thought they even had it in them, actually caring for people. He was still surprised how he had earned so many great friends, because honestly, he didn't deserve them. Sirius had hoped he'd be free the moment they ran away from home, but his mothers voice followed him everywhere he went. The Potters were great people to live with, but every day Sirius had to live with the knowledge he had left his sister in that damned house. They often wondered what had become of her, they lost all contact with her at sixteen. Of course Sirius didn't regret leaving, he just regretted leaving Rev behind. Remus looked at them, obviously not blind to the fact Sirius was being very quiet, but Sirius did not feel like explaining his entire life history to him yet. Maybe after a couple of drinks, or after a few more dates, but Sirius completely closed off the moment they talked about their family.

"Are you alright?" Remus asks him and he nods.

"Just didn't get much sleep last night" they say, forcing a grin which seems to satisfy Remus just enough. 

"You look great, by the way" Sirius noted, look Remus up and down again. The other boy's cheeks turned slightly pink, which Sirius thought was super cute. They approached their usual club, they went here most weekends because this was the most LGBT friendly one around. The bouncer greeted them and let them in without checking any ID, they came here often enough and it was clear he wasn't looking forward to kicking out already drunk students, so he basically just let everyone in. The club was already pretty packed, even though it was still early. It was clear everyone had missed their friends during Christmas break and was now making up for their missed time. Sirius greeted a couple of third years he recognized from the soccer team, one of which they had had an one night stand with last year, but they still spoke occasionally. 

“How do you know everyone" Remus yelled at him over the loud music as James went off to grab them all a beer. 

"Like you told me yourself, me and my lot are quite popular" Sirius grinned back. He took Remus' hand and dragged him over to the bar to help James carry the beers. It had been stupid of them not to drink beforehand, but Sirius had thought Remus might not want to spend any more time with them and it would suck for him if he was the only one sober, so they skipped pre-drinks. Both Sirius and James did carry around a flask filled with vodka and Marlene and Dorcas had brought Whiskey, so they'd be just fine. Still, they started with a round of beers just for the idea. The music was loud and Sirius felt great. They knew their make up was flawless and people were staring at him, but he was here with the boy he had been crushing on for months. He downed his beer as he danced with his friends and Remus, but Remus mostly just stood on the side, watching them. He dragged the boy with him to the bathrooms and offered him his flask. 

"You don't go out much, do you?" Sirius asked him. Remus shook his head. 

"We normally just stay in and mix our own drinks, my friends all have a rather expensive taste" he admitted. Sirius took a sip of the vodka himself, his face grimacing as the alcohol touched his mouth. He couldn't help but feel like he was drinking cleaning products. He had this exact same thought every time he drank though, so he just suppressed it and took another sip. 

"Will you please dance with me?" Sirius asked and took Remus hand. The boy hesitated but then nodded. 

"All right" he agreed and let Sirius drag him back to the dance floor. 

•••

James was happily tipsy, dancing against Lily, watching Remus and Sirius also dancing together. They had lost Marlene and Dorcas, but he assumed they were somewhere in the bathroom or outside sharing a cigarette. It was terrible for his lungs, but James did crave a cigarette himself and he did bring his emergency pack with him. He wasn't supposed to smoke if he wanted to go pro with hockey, but he only did it every once in a while, so he'd be fine, right? 

"I'll be right back love" he told Lily and let go of her. He maneuvered his way to the crowd of people and took a deep breath of the cold air. He did not found his friends there, but that didn't matter. It was nice to be alone sometimes. He took one of the cigarettes and lit it and looked up when someone walked towards him. It was Remus. 

"You shouldn't smoke" he joked as he grabbed a cigarette of his own. 

"Got tired of Sirius already?" James joked back, but Remus shook his head. 

"No, they're truly lovely" he sighed. 

"But?" James asked, because it had felt as if Remus was not yet finished. 

"But I'm not big on clubbing and definitely not as a first date kind of thing" he admitted. James nodded.

"I get that, yea. I think he just wanted to show you a part of their life, you know? Just make sure you get to show them some part of yours, yeah?" James advised. He knew all too well how overwhelming Sirius could be sometimes. Once they got something into their head, there was almost no way of getting it out, which could be a real problem at times because it often made them forget the feelings of people around them. 

"Oi! Lupin!" someone yelled at Remus from across the street. Remus' head snapped to the direction of the sound and James was sure he could see his eyes widen for just a second. The sound had come from a group of three boys, two of which James did not recognize but thought to be first years and one of them was... 

"Regulus?" It had left his mouth before he knew it. Remus' head snapped back to James, brows furrowed. The two others started walking in their direction, but regulus stayed behind, clearly trying to get his friends to come back. 

"Crouch, Rosier" Remus grinned as the boys came closer, Regulus still across the street, obviously doubting what he was going to do. James had seen these boys walk around campus before, but Remus clearly seemed to know them better than that. 

"What is he doing?" One of the boys asked Remus, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at Regulus. Remus shrugged. 

"Who knows, must be another one of his episodes. How much did he drink?" Remus sighed. James frowned, how did Remus know Regulus? One of the boys shrugged. 

"Not too much, he is walking just fine" he said. Remus sighed again, deeper this time, and walked over to Regulus. 

"And what is Potter doing outside smoking with our Remus?" the dark skinned boy asked. 

"Who are you?" James asked, taking a drag from his cigarette, trying his best not to look too confused. 

"Oh, how rude of us not to introduce ourselves. I'm Barty Crouch and that loser over there is Evan Rosier" the shorter boy said. James nodded.

"Remus is here with Sirius" James said. Barty raised his eyebrow. 

"Aha" he said. James watched Remus and Regulus come closer. 

"What are you even doing here" Remus hissed. 

"How were we supposed to know you'd be here" Regulus slurred. He was definitely drunk, which was so weird to James, because it is so opposing to the cold, collected boy James had met two days ago. He was wearing a small grin on his face and his hair was in a messy bun on top of his head. 

"I told you I was going out with your br- with Black" Remus said, his wide eyes glancing over at James when he said this. James' brain was slightly buzzing from the alcohol he'd drank, but he still clearly caught Remus' misstep. He was, just like Regulus himself, about he say 'brother'. James frowned again, nothing seemed to add up. Sirius only had a sister, yet Regulus had his face and last name and two people had called Sirius Regulus' brother. Which was also not right, obviously, it'd be sibling, but that was not the problem here. James stared at Regulus' face. Now that he was drunk and a bit more loose, he looked even more like Sirius, but so different at the same time. His features were sharper, but also a bit more feminine at the same time and- Oh my god. The realization hit James like a bus. 

"Sorry to break your little tea party here," James said, disrupting Remus' and Regulus' discussion, "But I need to ask him something. In private."

He pointed at Regulus who just shook his head. 

"No."

"Yes. Come with me, please," he begged, "Eh, ice skating business or whatever." Regulus rolled his eyes and but  followed James anyways. There was just one this James wanted to ask, and knowing the Blacks, the pretentious fucker would have done it. 

"Do you have a second name?" he asked. 

"Arcturus" he sighed. See? James was right. 

"R. A. B. You kept the same fucking initials" James gasped. 

"Thought it'd be easier" Regulus shrugged. 

"Sorry I didn't believe you when you called Sirius your brother" James apologized. Regulus crossed his arms and looked James up and down. 

"I suppose you now also get why I don't like you, yeah?" he said and James grimaced. 

"You think I replaced you" he whispered. Regulus drunkenly placed his hand on James' shoulder.

"Ding ding ding" he grinned. For a second it looked like he was about to hit James in the face, but instead he turned around and walked away. James followed him and watched as Regulus, Barty and Evan head inside. 

"So far for my roommate" Remus sighed. James almost choked on the air.

"Roommate?" he repeated. Remus nodded his head. 

"And you're on a date with his brother? And he's okay with that?" James asked, to which Remus shrugged. 

"He can't control my feelings, can he? How was I supposed to know his brother was this hot? He'd never mentioned it" he said sarcastically. James eyes widened even further. 

"You knew him before?" he gasped.

"We went to high school together" Remus nodded and James mouth dropped open.

"What the fuck" he whispered and it was in that moment Sirius came storming out, Peter following him on his heels. Sirius threw up in the first pair of bushes he saw and their eyes were filled with tears. 

"My god" Peter whispered to James. 

"Whats up with them?" James asked concerned, walking towards Sirius. 

"I don't know, they looked like they'd seen a ghost" Peter said. James placed his hand on Sirius' back, his friend was shivering all over his body. The throwing up had stopped, though and James was glad for that. 

"Siri?" James gently asked, but the other person didn't look at him. James wrapped his arms around their shoulders in order to comfort them. 

"Sirius, darling, I'm here" James whispered in his ear, softly stroking his best friends arm. He helplessly looked at Peter and Remus, who were just watching from a distance. 

"Has he had anything other than alcohol?" James asked Peter sternly, but the small boy shook his head violently. 

"Not that I know of" he said. James frowned and helped Sirius stand up. The poor thing could barely stand on their own legs. Trembling and unstable, James led him to the nearest bench, sitting down next to them to help and keep them upright. James gently grabbed his face and turned it towards him. 

"Sirius, I need you to look at me. Will you please try and tell me what has happened?" James asked, still holding their face with his hand. Sirius blinked a few times, lips pressed together, taking long, deep, irregular breaths. James quickly realized he was in the middle of a panic attack. He let go of Sirius' face and grabbed his hand. 

"You're going to breathe with me, okay?" he said as he placed Sirius' hand on his own chest. Sirius didn't respond, staring off into the distance, but he did give James' hand just the slightest pinch to let him know he had heard him. James nodded as he began breathing in a steady pace. It took Sirius a little to pick up the pattern, but he visibly calmed down at least a bit. He was still non verbal, though, so James decided to help them up again and told Remus and Peter he'd go and take Sirius back to their dorm. 

"All right mate, we'll see you tomorrow" Peter said and Remus just gave him a nod. They exchanged a meaningful look, like they both suspected what had been behind this sudden panic. Regulus, obviously. James did not suspect they talked or even interacted at all, but it was not the first time Sirius had a panic attack over thinking to see one of his family members. Except this time, he had, of course. He dragged Sirius back to their room, they could barely walk for themselves. 

"I'm going to need you to stand on your own for a second" James said as he gently placed Sirius against the wall, fumbling in his pockets for his keys. Sirius was still staring off into the distance, leaning against the wall as if they could collapse any second, which, well, they could. Clumsily James opened the door to their dorm and helped Sirius inside. He helped his friend get undressed and helped them get into bed. He found Sirius' phone in one of their pockets and placed it in the charger and removed the make up from their face. While doing this, a million thoughts pestered his mind. Sirius had seen Regulus. Regulus was Sirius' sister. Or well, brother. Regulus was trans? Regulus somehow got out. Remus and Regulus are roommates. Remus and Regulus are best friends?  Everything about everything was so confusing and the alcohol did not help, though he had mostly sobered up from seeing Sirius in the state he was in. James decided a shower would be just the thing he needed, but when he turned on the water and waited for it to warm up, he realized the water was not warming up. Great, he'd have to call someone for that tomorrow. He did still step under the water, though, a cold shower was still a shower, and it helped him sober up even better. He was distracted from his thoughts for a second as he bit through the cold and he ended up feeling very much awake afterwards. Though he wasn't sure that was a good thing, seeing he really needed to catch some sleep after last night. Tomorrow was their first team practice after the break, but James wanted to do some training of his own beforehand. Oh, he should really text Regulus about that. 

Hey you up?  He typed out, but deleted it immediately again. What a weird way to start this conversation. He had to remind himself this was not something casual, he was not texting one of his friends. This boy absolutely resented him. 

Are you training tmrw morning?  He sent instead. He almost got an immediate response. 

Yes. Stay out of my way.

Of course Regulus was the type of kid to text with periods, pretentious mother fucker. So skating that morning was off the board, unfortunately. He really wanted to see Lily, but he also did not want to leave Sirius alone in this state, and so he grabbed his laptop and watched a few episodes of the show he was currently following, until the sun rays of the morning sun crept into the room past the curtains. James let out a big yawn and looked to his side, where Sirius was still sleeping.  He wanted to give his friend some more rest, but they had team practice later that day and so he got out of bed to wake him up. 

•••

Sirius had always been great at pretending everything was fine and nothing had happened, so he smiled all through out breakfast, made his usual jokes and acted like he did not see his friends concerned looks. Still, he easily found the two boys that had been with his sister last night, but they were alone. She was nowhere to be found. It had been so weird, Sirius clearly remembers seeing her face, but it was on someone else's body. Her hair had changed and she didn't look like the scared little thing their parents had raised. And it couldn't be her. She was still with them, back in London, in that terrible terrible house, right where he left her. Sirius felt guilty, they always had. Guilty for leaving her there, but they couldn't go back there. He wasn't even sure if his sister was still alive after all these years. And yet, he had seen her. Yesterday, in the club, for just the briefest moment. It would not have been the first time they'd hallucinate the faces of family members, but they were sure this was not a hallucination. It was way too real, much realer than anything else he'd ever experienced. But why would she be here? Why would she be at this college, why would he not have seen her sooner? 

James tried to talk to them multiple times, but Sirius was the queen of making up excuses and pretending he didn't hear anything. James grew more and more annoyed with the day, but Sirius couldn't care less, until, of course, hockey practice. They had been meaning to do some extra training over Christmas break, but they just couldn't find the energy, so this was the first time in weeks he was back on the ice. It felt good, it felt familiar. He watched as a few figure skaters left the ice in a hurry, because the hockey team had booked the rink for the next hours, and felt a pang of pain. He still missed it sometimes, figure skating. It was so much more delicate than hockey, it had given them some other kind of freedom and without them even noticing, their mind was back at his sister. Would she still be figure skating? Was she any good? She had been brilliant when they were kids, but maybe she also gave up. 

James skated up to him. 

"I know you won't talk to me, but get your fucking head out of your ass and keep your mind on the training, will you?" he scoffed and skated off again. Sirius wanted to be annoyed at him, the comment was way out of line seeing the state he ended up in yesterday, but at the same time, they had made the choice not to tell James, so the boy had no idea what what even going on. He couldn't blame James for that. Practice went terrible. Not overall, the team was great, their captain happy to be back, they did some solid practice, but just for Sirius. He tried, he really tried to listen to James, but he just couldn't. 

James and Peter came up to him again in the locker rooms, after most people had already left. 

"Can you please tell us what is up, mate?" Peter asked, angrily dropping his helmet on the bench. He was clearly annoyed by Sirius' performance today and he couldn't blame him, but he still grew angry himself. 

"If I wanted to, I would already have told you, wouldn't I?" he yelled. James slammed his fist against the wall. 

"We just want to help you" he growled. Sirius rolled their eyes. 

"You should stop always trying to help everyone" they said. James took a deep breath. 

"You're right, next time I will leave you head down into the bushed, drowning in your own sickness" he hissed as he grabbed his stuff and stormed off. Peter looked between the two of them, looking rather helplessly.

"You can go" Sirius said and Peter almost ran away at this. And so Sirius was alone again. Alone with nothing but their own thoughts. 

•••

Sirius was being unfair, James thought. He was acting like a small child not getting the candy they wanted. He was so annoyed at his friend for snapping at him when they had no right to. All James wanted to do was help. All he ever wanted to do was help, and where would they be without James' help? It wasn't the fact that Sirius would not tell him what had happened that bothered him, Sirius had all the right to their privacy, it was the fact how they abreacted it onto their friends. How he fucked up the ice hockey practice. How he snapped at James multiple times that day. After James had stomped away, Peter had come after him, asking if he knew any more, but James had lied and said he did not. There he was, once again, helping people. And now he found himself walking towards Remus Lupin in the library. 

"What brings you here?" Remus asked him, brows furrowed. 

"Apologizing for Sirius, because the miserable dickhead is probable not going to do it himself" James grumbled, but Remus just looked at him confused and held up his phone. 

"He already texted me saying he was sorry" Remus said. This made James' blood really boil. So they could text some dude they had known for like two days but could not just be grateful for James being there for him? 

"Great" James said, gritting his teeth. 

"Why? Is something wrong?" Remus asked. James shrugged.

"He won't talk to us, but I'll just let them be. They can suffer in their own misery, since, apparently, they don't want my help." Remus made a soft humming sound and James decided it would be time to leave him alone. He wasn't getting anything out of this conversation. And so he went and found Lily leaning against the fountain with Marlene and the first year girl he had seen with them earlier, he believed her name was Mary. 

"Hi darling" he sighed, sliding down next to them and kissed Lily's cold hands. 

"God, you're frozen. Why are you guys sitting here outside?" James grumbled. Lily muttered something inaudible, so James kissed her lips. She was so beautiful, her red hair glistening in the thing rays of sunshine, the pearly white headband she was wearing looking very cute with the rest of her outfit. Her freckles were less visible than they were in summertime, but still clearly present, much more than Regulus'. James wondered to himself why on earth he was thinking about Sirius' baby brother and quickly shook the boys face from his thoughts. 

"Is Sirius okay?" Lily asked. James shot her a look.

"I wouldn't know, ask them yourself" he hissed, causing Lily to slightly flinch. Shit, James had not meant to scare her. 

"I'm sorry, he's just being a terrible human being today, but be the stress mixed with a hangover" James sighed, rubbing his forehead. 

"I hope he feels better tomorrow" Marlene said. Tomorrow, classes would start again, which James was actually looking forward to. He was majoring in history, something most people would not think of when they saw him, but he was actually at the top of his classes, neck on neck with Lily. It was a fun little dynamic in their relationship, the slightly competitive urge that also came with sporting at a high level, and they were always happy for one another. James wouldn't want to change a thing. When he was with Lily, nothing else seemed to matter and it was just safe. He had been in love with Lily ever since she transferred to his high school in their third year. The moment he saw her he knew he was going to marry her. Lily, however, did not want anything to do with him till their last year at that school and now they had been together for a little over two years. He gave her another kiss.

"I love you" he chirped and she smiled back at him.

"I love you too."

Chapter Text

Regulus had not been aware of the fact Sirius had seen him until Remus finally got a hold of him almost an entire day later, just before dinner. 

"I wouldn't go to the great hall if I were you" Remus whispered to him in bypassing. Regulus immediately stopped in his track.

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

"Sirius, he has been scanning the great hall for your face all day. We're pretty sure he's seen you yesterday" Remus clarified. Regulus feels himself stiffen and clenched his fist inside of his pocket. He was never going to let Barty and Evan get him near alcohol ever. The headache he had this morning during practice was bad enough, but something he had gotten used to. Clubbing, however, was something he was not used to, and now something he did not ever want to get used to. 

"Who is we?" Regulus asked, while already having a pretty clear idea of who the we might be.

"Me and Potter" Remus admitted with a sigh. 

"Siding with Potter now, are we? Need I remind you he ruined my god damn life?" Regulus hissed at his friend, who wisely took a step back. 

"He just happens to be friends with Sirius, who, need I remind you also ruined your life but you are okay with me seeing?" Remus said, the last part with a questioning tone in his voice, like he was unsure if Regulus was actually still on board with that.

"I don't need a reminder my brother fucking sucks, thank you, but siding with one enemy is bad enough" Regulus said, jaw and fist still clenched. He really did not want to fight with Remus, he was way too tired for that, but he was also growing tired of this conversation. 

"You're one to talk about siding with the devil, you dated fucking Crouch" Remus shot back. He did have a point and this time it was Regulus who took a step back. 

"He didn't ruin your life" he said weakly, but the look on Remus' face is pure anger. 

"You don't fucking know that, because you don't ever fucking ask. It always has to be about you, Regulus, and it is fucking exhausting. So excuse me for 'siding with the devil' as you like to call it, but James at least seems like a genuinely nice person" Remus said, eyes narrowed. This was like a stab to Regulus' heart. A stab to his heart, the knife being slowly twisted, reopening old wounds and creating new ones. James was about to steal away yet another one of his friends. 

"You're just like him. You're just like Sirius" Regulus said, tears welling up in his eyes, which he quickly tried to swallow down. Remus didn't say anything, he just shrugged. They were both tired. They were both tired and out to hurt each other because there was no one else around to hurt. 

"I think this is where we should part ways. I'll see you tonight" Regulus said, turning around to change his direction, away from the great hall. He'd eat some granola bars later, he'd rather not be seen by Sirius right now. He found his way outside and stormed past the big fountain he wanted to sit by because it was occupied by a group of other kids, of which he later realized James Potter was one of. The bastard, taking everything he had away from him. He walked around for a bit, looking for a different spot to sit at, but the campus was boring and all concrete. He eventually found a nice set of stairs to sit on and buried his head in his hands. He didn't even notice the girl sitting down next to him until she started talking. 

"Your hair looks nice. Must be hell to maintain" she sounded dreamy. Regulus looked up to find a girl with the longest and blondest hair he had ever seen sitting next to him. He recognized her as a first year, but he had no clue about whatever her name could be. 

"Yeah" he just mumbled, not enjoying the sudden company. 

"I saw you sitting here all alone and I thought you looked rather depressing, like a stray dog left out on the streets, so I came to see what was up" she declared. Regulus was taken aback by her comment. He definitely was not used to being compared to a dog. 

"I don't know you" he said. The girl smiled brightly. 

"Oh I know, that's what's so great about it. You don't know me, I don't know you, no better person to spill all your secrets to" she said confidently. Regulus was not sure about this logic, but she sounded so sure of herself, he started to believe it. 

"Alright, I had a fight with my best friend because he is apparently hanging out with boy my brother, who by the way, ruined my life, and his best friend, who also ruined my life" Regulus sighed. He didn't drop any names, though, hoping to sort of remain anonymous. The girl nodded, her forehead wrinkled and nose crunched up. 

"Sucks" he just said. 

"God, yeah, it does" he said. The girl looked him up and down.

"You're the new transfer student" she noted. Regulus nodded. 

"I'm Pandora, English literature major" she said, holding out her hand for him to shake. Regulus hesitated for a second, but shook her hand anyways. 

"Regulus, English literature major" he said. Pandora's eyes widened as she pulled at a string of her hair. 

"Great! I'll see you in class tomorrow!" she squelched excitedly. Regulus gave her a soft smile. There was something about her energy he really enjoyed. He was starting to realize he was actually quite enjoying her company. 

"Hey Pandora, you don't happen to have any food on you, do you?" he asked her. Her face lit up as she started digging in her bag, taking out something wrapped in tinfoil. 

"Tadaa" she said, holding the package up with triumph. She handed it over to Regulus who carefully unwrapped it, revealing a pair of sandwiches. 

"They're vegan" Pandora told him enthusiastically. This girl was the total opposite of him, but he felt a connection between the two of them. Regulus handed her one of her own sandwiches and they ate them in silence. He didn't know if he was just hungry or if the sandwiches were really that good, but Regulus remembered thinking in that moment, they were the best thing he'd ever eaten. It was probably a combination of the two.

"That was amazing, thanks" Regulus complimented Pandora, to which she just flipped her hair over her other shoulder and shot him a smile. 

"What sport do you practice?" Pandora asked him. 

"Ice skating" he replied proudly. 

"Sick, I do ballet" she said. 

"I thought they did not offer ballet here?" Regulus asked her confused. She nodded. 

"True, I travel up and down to my studio" she told him. Regulus raised his eyebrows. He didn't know how far away her studio was, but there was really nothing near the school so it couldn't be too close. 

"Nice" he just said. She smiled at him and got up. 

"It was great talking to you, Regulus, but I have to go now. Places to be and people to see and all that" she shrugged. Regulus said nothing, just waved her goodbye as she skipped down the campus and disappeared through one of the doors into one of the buildings. Pandora seemed cool. 

•••

Remus really wanted to talk to Regulus, but he knew Regulus was not going to let this go that easy. He also wanted to talk to James, but he was also mad at him. Then there was Sirius, and though they had texted this morning, when Remus had tried to talk to him during lunch, all he had gotten were one worded  responses and he didn't feel like he was obligated to stay and try to have real conversation with him since, you know, they had known each-other for three days. And so he called Barty and Evan to come and play basketball with him. If someone had tried to tell him two or three years ago he'd be voluntarily hanging out with these guys, he would've laughed at them in their face. He changed into his practice clothes in his dorm, because if there was one thing he hated, it was changing in the public locker room. Sure, people had seen him shirtless often enough, but still? There was something off about it and Remus didn't like it. So, he walked into the locker room, already fully clothed and watched the other two boys change. Barty was about the same hight as him, just slightly more muscular and while Evan was noticeably shorter, he was still one of the best players on the team. He had seen both of them naked so many times now, it didn't fluster him the way it used to. When he was a teenager, he got so easily worked up, it was quite embarrassing, especially if it happens because you see your best friends boyfriend change. 

"You're staring again, Lupin. Already done with the other Black brother? Was he bad at sucking dick?" Barty joked, but Remus didn't look away.

"I wouldn't know, the three of you sent him into a panic attack" he shrugged. Technically Barty and Evan had no blame in this, but it just made the joke funnier to him. 

"Bummer" Evan said, pulling his shirt over his head. 

"We're still open if you need a distraction" Barty said with a wink and Remus batted his hand at him, which Barty skilfully dodged.

"I would rather die" he said. 

"You know, that's funny, that's what Regulus said at first as well" Barty said. 

"Leave him out of this, will ya? You broke up for a reason" Remus sighed but Barty grinned.

"Yeah we broke up, doesn't mean he doesn't still need me" he said. Remus' head snapped up.

"You're gross, did you know that?" he said, eyes narrowed. Barty shrugged and Evan took the both of them by their arms and dragged them onto the field. They were lucky there was no one else there, the company of these two was tiring enough already. They started with a few basic warming up exercises, nothing too intense, but it did a least work like a little bit of distraction. The running and stretching were done mostly in silence and Remus couldn't be more grateful for that. Then they got to some actual playing, practicing defenses and of course Barty had to throw  in a couple of trick shots, the show off. They practiced for quite some time and Remus could feel it in his knees, which had always been the weakest part of his body. 

"I'm going to stop now, don't want to work myself into an injury before the season has even officially started again" Remus let the others know and sat down in the bleachers, taking a few sips from his bottle of water. Evan and Barty stayed on the field for just a little longer and he could without doubt say he had not missed them over Christmas break. He had not forgotten what Barty had done to him when they were younger and though Regulus was quite fond of them, Remus could just never really see what he saw in them. They were on the basketball team together, though, so he was kind of forced into hanging out with them and they could be okay as long as they kept their mouth shut. Besides, the fact that Regulus liked them, said absolutely nothing, because his friend was wrong about quite some things. Barty and Evan trained on for way too long, so Remus snuck out the moment he had the chance. It was raining outside and Remus cursed himself for not bringing a raincoat. His sweater and basketball shorts gave little coverage.

"Remus!" someone yelled his name as he held his bag above his head to try and shield himself from the rain. He looked behind him and found James running his way. 

"Remus, hi" James panted, for a hickey play he was quite bad at running. 

"Hi?" Remus asked, eyeing the other boy suspiciously. James motioned to Remus to follow him and started running again, till they were safe and inside. 

"I wanted to apologize for earlier" James said, wiping away the raindrops from his glasses with the bottom of his shirt. 

"Oh don't worry about it, forgiven and forgotten" Remus lied, causing James to smile bright as he placed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. Remus could definitely see why so many people found him attractive. There was something so charismatic about him, he radiated some kind of warmth that you jut wanted to invite right into you heart. Remus felt him and James could have been great friends if Regulus wasn't such a crybaby. 

"I was just very distressed about the fact Sirius wouldn't talk to me, and then to hear he did message you, it was just a bit too much" James explained and Remus just nodded. He got he, he really did, but it was just so tiring to have everyone react their emotions off onto him. 

"I fought with Regulus" Remus said, he was not sure why he was telling James this, but it felt good to get it of his chest. 

"Why?" James asked. 

"Because of you, he thinks you're out to ruin his life again" Remus admitted. James frowned. 

"I never intended to ruin his life" he said. Remus nodded.

"I know, but that is how he feels."

"I know he hates me but how am I ruining his life this time? Just by breathing or?" James asked, angrily combing his fingers through his damp hair. 

"He thinks you're stealing me away from him" Remus explained. James gasped loudly. 

"That is so not true" he said, brows furrowed. 

"Yes, I know, but try telling him that" Remus sighed. Something in James' eyes changed. 

"I did not mean that literally" he quickly said, but James wasn't listening anymore. Great. Remus said his goodbyes and returned to his dorm room, where he immediately got undressed and took a nice, warm shower. When he returned, Regulus was also back. Wet curls sticking to his forehead. 

"Have you been out in the rain all this time?" Remus asked, pulling a t shirt over his head and grabbing the granola bar from Regulus' hand. He finished it in two bites and was about to open another one, but Regulus batted his hand away.

"This is my dinner" he grumbled. 

"So what, we can just get new ones tomorrow. Or we can order take out?" Remus suggested. It did not seem like the smartest idea to let his friend fall back onto just the protein bars already. He knew he was the one who told Regulus not to go into the great hall, but he had secretly hoped his friend had grown at least some braincells and ordered food for himself, but of course he had. Remus took his phone and opened the delivery app. 

"What do you fancy?" he asked but Regulus just shrugged. 

"Pizza? Sushi? Burgers? Fries? Pasta?" he named, but Regulus kept shaking his head. 

"You have to eat something, Reg" Remus sighed. Regulus' head shot up and he held up one of the bars in his hand. 

"I am eating, Lupin" he hissed. The 'Lupin' went straight to Remus' heart. He looked away and cleared his throat. 

"Alright" he whispered weakly. 

Remus was tired, so very tired, but his brain wouldn't turn off. He laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the sound of Regulus typing on his laptop. They both needed sleep, tomorrow would be Regulus' first day of classes at university, but Remus was not going to give any more energy to someone who did not want him. He had scrolled through instagram for hours already but nothing seemed to amuse him. There was also nothing that could help him falling asleep. The hours went by terribly slowly and Remus was still awake by the time the first rays of sunlight lit up the room. Regulus had gone to bed somewhere in the past hours, but Remus wasn't sure if he had actually slept, seeing he was now already in the shower. Remus got out of bed himself as well and threw on some clothes he found lying around. He couldn't be bothered about his appearance. Remus had sort of expected Regulus to be on the ice around this time, but he wasn't and he was not sure if that was something to worry about, but his friend clearly did not need his worry right now, so he just said nothing instead. He went down to the great hall to grab breakfast, taking a few extra pieces of bread and and apple to sneak back to his dorm. He skillfully avoided anyone he did not want to see today until he ran into James again. 

"Morning Remus" he yawned. Remus looked the boy up and down, he was a mess. 

"Morning James" he nodded. 

"Sirius is acting normal again, as far as that kid can be normal" James informed him. Remus nodded again, this was probably James telling him to talk to Sirius again today. 

"Regulus is not" he said. This was James' time to nod. 

"He said he wasn't going to practice this morning" he confirmed. Remus frowned. 

"How do you know?" he asked. James held up his phone. 

"He gave me his phone number so I could ask him if it was okay for me to come in in the morning" he explained. 

"He gave you his number?" Remus asked full of disbelieve. 

"Well, I had to promise not to do anything else with it, but eventually yes" James chuckled. Remus rubbed his forehead. Regulus was keeping things from him again, this was not just something that would've slipped his mind. 

"Alright, I should be going" James smiled with a friendly nod as he moved past Remus. Remus nodded back at him, but James was already gone. He watched as the boy took place next to his girlfriend and gave her a kiss on her lips. Sirius looked up at him, but Remus pretended he did not see them and quickly left the great hall. Luckily, Regulus was still in their dorm when he came back.

"I brought you breakfast" Remus smiled, holding up the bread and the apple. Regulus blinked a few times, as if he had forgotten where he was, but then gave Remus a small smile before taking the food. Remus sat down on his own bed as he started eating his own breakfast.

"Ready for today?" Remus asked Regulus, who just shot him an angry look. 

"I'm not a kid, Remus" he said. Remus was glad he was back to being called by his first name. 

"You know that's not what I meant" he shot back. Regulus shrugged. He sure was acting like a damn child. 

•••

Regulus could not deny he wasn't at least a little nervous as he stepped into the classroom or the creative writing course he took as extra subject. It wasn't part of the English lit program as he had hoped, but the moment he found out he could take it on the side, he had signed up for it. He let out a deep breath when he recognized Pandora's long blonde hair and took place next to her. 

"Good afternoon" she smiled at him and he gave her a little nod as a greeting. 

"You could not have picked a worse time to transfer, we're in the middle of a big assignment" she told him. 

"Ah, great" Regulus said sarcastically. He had already spoken with the professor teaching this class during the break, he was caught up with what he had to do and which assignments he could skip, so he wasn't really worried. He had been working on the assignment as often as he could, it being the thing he was most excited about. He opened up his laptop on his table and pulled up his document. Pandora looked at him impressed and Regulus felt the joy that came with academic validation. He was good at doing his schoolwork, always had been and the best feelings came with people envying him for it. He loved tutoring younger students, he loved letting other people use his essays for inspiration and he couldn't care less if people copied his homework, because it meant he had done it right. He always came on top of his classes and couldn't stand not to be the best. Maybe it was something he had taken away from where he grew up, but failing was just not something the Blacks did, maybe that's part of the reason why Sirius had left. 

Regulus looked around him, the classroom was still fairly empty. There were about five other students, one of which Regulus recognized to be a second year from his brothers clique. The creative writing course was open to all years and so Regulus wasn't surprised not to recognize any more people. As time went by, more and more students walked in, loudly speaking with each other, some invested in a book, headphones on. It was intriguing to see all the different kinds of people in this course, there were multiple people of who Regulus would have never guessed were interested in writing if he had just seen them walk by. Just before the class was about to start, James Potter barged in. 

"Sorry Professor" he said out of breath, pushing his glasses further up his nose. The lady in front of the class just smiled at him as he takes his seat next to the second year ginger girl. Regulus must have been making a face, because Pandora nudged him.

"Why do you look like you just saw someone getting lynched" she whispered. Regulus shot her a look of disgust. 

"Precisely like that, yes" Pandora smiled. The professor clapped her hands together. 

"All right class, today we will be working in pairs, which I will choose randomly with these papers, alright?" she said. It felt a little high schoolesque to Regulus, but in the few talks he had had with this teacher, he had learned she was a very eccentric person who did everything just the way she wanted to, and if she felt this was the best method, so be it. She was, after all, the one with multiple selling published book, and not him. She started drawing papers from the bowl on her desk, and all Regulus could hope was not to end up with Potter. Usually his luck left him in these kinds of situations, so he was pleasantly surprised to hear his name being pared with Lily Evans, until he realized she was the ginger girl next to Potter. The class noisily started moving, finding the person they were partnered up with. Chairs were dragged around and tables were moved, which Regulus found very unnecessary, because you could just switch seats with someone else, but apparently people were putting their tables in groups, to still be able to sit with their friends. Come on guys, this is college. Lily quickly found him, thanks to James obviously pointing at him. 

"I'm Lily" she said, holding out her hand for Regulus to shake. 

"So I've heard" he just said, ignoring her hand completely. They took a seat at the back of the classroom, unfortunately close to James and his partner, who were loudly explaining the plot of their current writing to each other. Regulus noticed how James talked with his entire body, using big gestures to empathize his words, overly using facial expressions to make himself heard. Lily caught him staring at him.

"Don't mind him, he can be a bit loud at times, I hope he is not distraction you too much, yeah?" she said, grabbing her notebook from her bag. Regulus envied the fact she was writing everything by hand and secretly wished he had done the same, there was something about hand written pieces that felt more real. 

"It is kind of annoying" Regulus admitted. Lily got up from her seat and walked over to James, tapping him on his shoulder. 

"Love, you're being a tad loud, would you mind lowering your voice just a bit?" she asked him, wrapping her arms around his waist. James' gaze softened, looking down at her. 

"Of course darling, I'll try, yeah?" he said, leaning in for a kiss. Regulus felt his eyes widen and looked away. He had not realized they were dating and it made him feel some sort of way, which he wrote off as disgust. Why would anyone ever date James Potter, especially someone he had just thought of being actually kind of okay.

"You're dating him?" he asked as soon as Lily returned. He had not meant to ask the question, as it was obvious and made him sound very stupid, jealous even. But Lily, sweet as she was, said nothing of it. 

"I know, I sometimes can't believe it myself. Thirteen year old me would murder me if she knew" she smiled friendly. The tone in which she talked sort of reminded Regulus of the way adults used to talk to him when he was younger, like he was a small, dumb child. 

"Gross" Regulus said, which made Lily snort. He had not realized what he had said was that funny, but to Lily it was, apparently. 

"I agree" she nodded. Regulus was glad they could at least agree on something, but she was still dating Potter, so how much did they really agree? They quickly got to talking about the stories they were writing and Regulus was surprised to find himself actually kind of hooked on Lily's story and was amazed he was actually kind of intrigued by her. She had a soft but strong vibe about her, and it brought Regulus a great comfort, the same kind he found with Remus. Remus and Lily would be great friends, it was just too bad she was Potters girlfriend, because that meant he would never talk to her out side of class, because that meant she was also hanging around with his brother. It was as if Lily could read his mind. 

"You remind me very much of a friend of mine" she said, squinting her eyes as she looked at his face after class ended. Regulus was just pacing his bag and James was sitting on Lily's table. 

"Don't you think, Jamie? He sort of looks like Sirius" she said, nudging her boyfriend. Regulus cringed at the nickname she gave James and cringed again when James looked at him, eyes wide. 

"Eh, I don't really see it" he lied. Regulus blinked a few times, he had not expected James to lie about such a thing. Lily also looked surprised, but for different reasons. 

"Not? I swear they have the same eyes" she said. We do not Regulus wanted to say.

"They do not" James said. He could tell Lily was about to pull up a picture of Sirius, so determined to prove she was right, but James gently pushed her phone down. 

"Lils, I think I would know, I have been living with that kid since we were sixteen, yeah?" he said. Lily sighed deep and continues cleaning up her desk. James turned to Regulus and gave him a wink when Lily wasn't looking. Regulus grabbed his phone. 

R: We are not friends, stop fucking acting like it  he sent to his chat with James. 

J: Be grateful I'm covering for you  he responded.

R: I never asked you to.

J: You quite literally did

R: Sure

R: just, don't wink at me, ever again

And naturally, James looked up from his phone and winked at Regulus. He let out a soft groan of annoyance as he swung his bag over his shoulder and stomped out of the classroom. Like he said before, it was really a pity that with Lily, you also got James. It was even more a pity he would be stuck with Lily as writing partner for at least the next few months. He was glad this was his last class of the day and made a quick detour to his dorm to grab his skating stuff. 

Of course the rink was not empty, there were two others there. He should really fix his final account errors so he would just be able to book the ice for himself, but at least the hockey team wasn't training. He didn't have another lesson with either the school coach or Narcissa till Thursday, so for now it was just going over familiar routines, perfecting a few easier tricks, trying not to fall. Skating would always be the best way to clear his mind. No matter how much Regulus loved reading or writing, he would always and forever fall back to ice skating. He felt like flying when he was on his skates and while on his regulus legs he wasn't as steady, a bit unstable at times, even, on the ice he was steady and secure. He knew what he was capable off and he knew it was more than most people, even at this school filled with high talent people. He knew he was better than the former top performer of the school, Dorcas Meadowes, he knew he could easily outshine her. He had seen her scores, had compared them to his own and had come to the conclusion she would only form a slight threat, nothing to be really scared off. Regulus knew he looked majestic while skating, he knew he looked like magic, he had heard it many times before. He knew people found him attractive, he knew he had both boys and girls drooling over him, but he acted like he didn't. Most people would not even recognize if he was not on the ice. People had seen him on TV, during nationals, but that had been at least two years ago, before he really started transitioning. Since running away from home, he had been in active. It had been like he had disappeared from the earth to everyone on the outside, except for his close friends. 

Regulus closed his eyes for a second, feeling his music in his bones, just gliding over the ice. 

"You! Watch it!" someone yelled and Regulus could move out of the way just in time. A dark skinned girl flashed past him, a girl he recognized as Dorcas Meadowes. The girl who had yelled at him was a blonde girl standing on the side of the ice. She looked at her friend with pure mania in her eyes. 

"Come on Cas, don't run over little emo boys today" she grinned. 

"Sorry babe" Dorcas yelled back at her. Ah, not mania. Love. It took Regulus a second he was the little emo boy in question. 

"I'm not emo" he grunted but the blonde girl shook her head. 

"No you are. You're a crunchy little emo boy. Skinny white skater, if you will" she said, looking him up and down. 

"Marls, leave the kid alone" Dorcas sighed. She stopped in her tracks and looked at him. 

"You're the new kid. Seen your stats, impressive" she said with a nod of her head. Regulus had not been the only one to do some research. 

"No way, is this the kid who lies about his last name?" 'Marls' said and immediately all alarm bells went off. 

"How many people know about that?" he asked, panic clearly in his voice. 

"Pretty sure its just us, no one really cares that much" Dorcas shrugged. 

"Are you really related to Sirius?" the blonde girl asked. Regulus was about to deny it, but there was really no point. 

"Unfortunately" he sighed. 

"That's why you lie about your name, isn't it? You don't want to be compared to them all the time?" Dorcas asked, skating circles around him like a shark circling his prey. 

"Eh, sort of. He doesn't really know I'm here" Regulus admitted. The blonde girl narrowed her eyes.

"How has he not recognized you yet?" she asked. Dorcas shot her a look to which she made an 'oh' sound. Great, that were another two people who knew about both his last name and him being trans. 

"Great, I'd love for you to please keep this silent, yeah?" Regulus said. He was trying to come across as intimidating, but Dorcas bended over, face hanging above his and he almost shat his fucking pants. 

"Do we look like the kind of people to out others? Do you really think that low of everyone?" she asked. 

"Can never be too careful" he replied. 

"Okay, you have a point. I know we might be rivals from now on, but please know, if you ever need someone, we will be here, off the ice" Dorcas said. Regulus gave her a nod, knowing he would never, ever make use of the offer, but maybe, knowing some third years who practiced the same sport, wouldn't be so bad.

Chapter Text

James found himself disappointed at the fact Regulus wasn't at the rink that morning. He didn't know why, but he was intrigued by the younger boy and was eager to get to know him better. He was about to join Peter and Kingsley to the locker rooms, but got distracted by a small figure dressed from head to toe in black. 

"You guys go ahead, I eh, I want to check something real quick" he said absently to his friends who gave each other a look, but then shrugged and left him alone. James waited on the side of the ice until Regulus finally left the figure skaters locker room. They briefly made eye contact, and it was as if Regulus contemplated turning right back around. He didn't, though he did ignore James for his first few founds on ice, which James didn't mind all that much. He was entranced by watching the smaller boy skate around, practicing routines he clearly knew from the top of his head, which he could probably perform in his dreams. He had not seen Regulus since their shared writing class, but he had heard from Remus he was taking food from the great hall back to their dorm. 

"Are you just going to stay there and watch me like some creep?" Regulus' sharp voice cut through his thoughts. James crossed his arms and smirked. 

"What if I am?" he said provocative. 

"I'll tell on you for assault" Regulus simply answered, and James knew he wasn't kidding. 

"Sorry" he quickly mumbled. 

"What are you doing here?" Regulus asked. James shrugged, what was he doing here? He didn't even really know himself, he had just been wanting to see the other boy again. 

"I know you said we are not friends, but we could be, right?" James proposed. Regulus came to a halt.

"No" he said. 

"No?" James repeated. 

"Great, you can listen. Now leave me alone" Regulus sighed, but James wasn't going to let it go this easily. 

"Look, I know you don't like me but-" he started.

"Dislike doesn't even grasp it, Potter. I fucking hate you, okay? you ruined my life when I was ten, you ruined it when I was fifteen and you continue to do it now, so leave me the fuck alone" Regulus snapped. His words echoed through the empty rink, sticking in the air a little longer than was physically possible. 

"Alright" James whispered, scared to make another misstep. He felt a sharp pain in his body. It was not only the fact he was definitely not used to being rejected (besides by Lily, but that was a whole other story), but also the fact Regulus was someone he was genuinely interested in to get to know better. He really wanted to be friends with the younger boy. He really wanted to clear up whatever it was he had done when they were younger and he didn't want to fight now. They were both adults now, why couldn't they just start over? But James didn't press the matter any further. He put the protection over his blades and walked back to the locker room, where his friends had already left, something James absolutely did not mind at the moment. He wanted to be alone for at least a few minutes, to think. Unfortunately, but also quite fortunately, Lily had decided to pick him up. He gave her a quick kiss and fixed her hairband which had slipped down her head a bit. 

"You look terrible" she noted. James shrugged. 

"Possible" he admitted. 

"What is it, love?" she asked him, taking his hand. 

"Just that Regulus kid" he sighed. 

"From writing class? Why? Is he giving you any trouble?" Lily asks, slightly confused, which was fair. 

"Yeah. He hates me and technically I know why, but I just want to start over and be his friend, you know?" James sighed. Lily gave his hand a gentle squeeze. 

"Oh Jamie, you don't always have to befriend everyone. People can dislike you, that doesn't make you worth any less, alright?" Lily said. James sighed, she didn't get it, obviously. 

"No I know, but this is different. I can't tell you why, for his sake, but it is and I feel really shitty about it" James spilled his feelings out. He knew Lily might not get it, but at least she would listen to him.

"I love you, you know?" James sighed. Lily smiled back at him, gently tucking one of his curls behind his ear.

"I love you too, Jaime" she said. They stopped walking for just a second to give each other a kiss and together they walked back to James' dorm. They had half an hour left till their next class and decided on taking a shower together. This might set some people on the wrong foot, but to them it was just something really intimate without it having to be sexual. They just helped each other wash their hair and their bodies, pressed up together in the small shower cabinet. They enjoyed each others warmth combined with the hot water and it was one of the many precious moments James cherished forever. Lily guided him through all of the steps of putting products in his hair to maintain his curls, as he was practically blind without his glasses and he let his hands glide over her body, just wanting to feel every inch of her skin he had gotten to know over the years. They dried themselves of and James let Lily pick out an outfit for him, one of her favorite things to do. James really didn't mind because her sense of style was immaculate. She always looked so put together without even trying and he was so over the moon in love with her. In the end, they had to rush a bit because James took a long time drying his hair, with had Lily yelling at him because, one, he took way too long, and two, he was doing it to roughly, ruining all the effort she had put in with all the different kinds of products. They made it to their lecture in time, though, joining Peter at the back of the room. Luckily for them, the professor was also late. He was an old man, of which most people were convinced he had been supposed to die long ago and looked like he had lived through all the historical events himself. This was James' favorite class, since they talked mostly about cultures and different influences from history on modern society. Anything anthropological was James' favorite, he was just naturally very interested in the study of human behaviour. His image might not had given it away, but he was a huge nerd and also a bit of a try hard. Always ahead of deadlines and taking more classes than was required. He didn't really care if he didn't come out at the top of the class, but he usually still did and he was not going to deny how good it felt. Most people seemed to think it all came natural to him and there had even been rumours of him buying off teachers, but James genuinely worked very hard for all of it. All he cared about was making his parents proud. Him and Lily often studied together, which might not seem like the most romantic date to most people, but to James it was. Today the teacher was giving a lecture about how art influenced the development of western society through history and James eagerly made notes, absorbing all the information like a sponge. Time flew and before he knew it they were halfway through the class and the teacher was announcing lunch break, after which they would continue on art and life after the industrial revolution, which James found a bummer, he wasn't all that big on all the war stuff. He got that it was important and big and a great tragedy, but he never got the best grades on the tests about it in high school. 

"Good morning handsome" Sirius said as James sat down with his lunch tray. James had left that morning before Sirius was up and since they did different studies, had not seen them all day.

"Stop trying to steal my man" Lily joked as Sirius stuck out his tongue at her. 

"I just can't help myself, he is just too hot" They said dramatically, pretending to be swooning. 

"Who is?" Remus asked from behind them. 

"James" Sirius said without thinking. Remus frowned and James had to bite down on his lip not to burst out laughing. They all watched in anticipation as Sirius slowly realised who he was talking to. 

"Ah, Remus, hi" they said, slowly reddening in the face. James' favorite thing in the world was his best friend embarrass himself and he was glad Remus had decided to talk to Sirius again. He knew people were often scared away by his behaviour, fearing he'd be too much of a responsibility. He quickly scanned the great hall, but he wasn't surprised to find Regulus wasn't there and he wasn't too sure how to feel about that. He had to tell himself they weren't friends, he had no reason to care whatsoever. Remus sat down at their table, warmly welcomed by everyone there. James truly loved his friend group, they were the best things that had happened to him, easily. James loved a lot of things, honestly, he was naturally just a very loving person. Some of these people he had known since middle school, like Peter and Marlene, others since high school and Dorcas since she started dating Marlene. Mary was the newest addition to the group, Marlene and Dorcas had practically adopted her after they had found her crying in the bathroom at the first years intro party at the beginning of this school year. She didn't always sit with them, but when she did, she radiated an energy James was slowly falling in love with. And now there was Remus. The tall boy easily looked like he had been their friend for forever, perfectly fitting in with the vibe of the group, though he was a lot rougher, a lot less posh than the lot of them. Still, Remus did not look he was all that comfortable, which James got, his friends could be quite overwhelming before getting to know them. Alright, they could still be quite overwhelming when you did get to know them, but it was something you got used to, at least a little. Remus definitely did not seem like the most outgoing or socially person and he just sat there in silence, observing the people around him. He would occasionally answer a question or nod at something, but he mostly just stared at Sirius. 

Lily placed her hand on James' leg under the table, cutting him from his thoughts. 

"Are you okay, love?" she whispered to him. James absentmindedly nodded as he stared off into the distance. Lily hummed something but he didn't quite catch it. He did, however, catch the three figures walking in to the cafeteria and suddenly he was very aware if where he was again. 

"What's the time?" he asked, specifically looking at Sirius, hoping his friend would take out his phone to look at the time, hoping it would be at least a short distraction. He was glad he was sitting across from Sirius, so his friend would not have felt him freeze in his spot. Lucky for him, Sirius did in fact take their phone to check. James helplessly looked over at Remus, but he was completely zoned out. James aimed for his legs with the toe of his shoe, but miscalculated.

"Auch, what the fuck?" Sirius yelled out, but it did bring Remus back to earth.

"Sorry" James muttered, not looking away from Remus until the other boy was look at him. He pretended to cough, motioning his head towards the line for the food as subtle as possible. Remus got the hint and his eyes widened in panic. 

"I'm heading out early, Sirius, are you coming? I need something from our room but I think I forgot my keys" James lied. He needed to get Sirius out of here as fast as possible. Sirius raised his eyebrows, but grabbed their bag from the ground and swung it over one shoulder. 

"I'll see you in class" James told Lily, pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head. She gave him a suspicious look, but said nothing of it, that would come later, probably. James placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder and guided him to the exit of the great hall. He nervously looked over his shoulder a few times, making sure the three were not also leaving the great hall, but they were now walking to claim a table. 

"Are you alright mate? You're acting a bit weird" Sirius said.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure" James nodded, trying to get Sirius to walk faster, but instead his friend stopped walking.

"What are you doing?" James sighed.

"What am I doing? What are you doing?" Sirius hissed. James widened his eyes.

"What do you mean? I told you, I need something from our dorm" he said. 

"No, you're acting weird. Have been for the past days, actually" Sirius told him.

"I don't know what you're talking about" James said with a growl. It came out more aggressively than he had intended and he felt Sirius' suspicion rise. 

"Did something happen? Am I missing something? Why are you keeping secrets from me?" Sirius asked. James looked around nervously, they were standing in the middle of the cafeteria, during lunch time, and James really didn't want to cause a scene. 

"I'm not keep secrets" James said defensively. Something shifted in Sirius' gaze.

"Then tell me what the fuck is going on" they said. Their words were loud, people were now staring at them and James felt all the eyes burn in his back. 

"Can we please not do this here?" James whispered. 

"Why not? I thought you liked attention" Sirius said, crossing his arms. 

"Fuck you" James hissed as he stomped out of the great hall, down the hallway to his classroom. He didn't know how to feel about the fact Sirius did not follow him and his friend had all the right to be annoyed with him, because he was, in fact, acting weird. 

•••

Regulus enjoyed watching Potter and Sirius fight, he had never seen it before. Always thought their bond was the strongest thing on earth, unbreakable. Neither of them deserved the friendship between them, stuck up assholes. So that little show of them, in the great hall during lunchtime, had been great. It satisfied Regulus just enough that he was the reason of the fight. When he had applied here and got accepted, ruining both James' and Sirius' lived had not been on his to do list, but they just made it so easy for him. All he had to do was show up. Regulus enjoyed the fact Remus was sitting with Sirius and his friends a lot less, though he knew he should have seen it coming. Remus being into his brother and now actually talking to him would inevitably lead to Regulus being replaced again. It still hurt like a mother fucker, though. Barty and Evan were respectable enough company, but no one would ever compare to Remus. He had so many regrets for actually agreeing to let Remus date Sirius. He would've done it anyways, but at least he would have tried to hide it. Now he was just openly sitting with the popular kids, being everything he despised. Remus fit right in with them and oh, how the jealousy ached. Though Regulus would never admit it, not even to himself, he'd give the world to be okay with his brother once again, but he had given up long ago. He had completely tuned out from the conversation between Barty and Evan, too busy staring at the table Remus sat at, so he scared up when Barty said his name repeatedly. 

"Sorry, what?" Regulus mumbled. Barty held up a spliff. 

"Wanna get stoned?" he asked. Regulus narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but Barty cut him off. 

"Yes, it's with herbs, not tobacco" he sighed. Regulus nodded, he really shouldn't smoke, but his friends had made sure he could join them, since tobacco gave him terrible headaches, and also he had had a bad day. The interacting with Potter that morning had been harsh. 

"Sure" he agreed. Barty grinned a lopsided grin. 

"Good, lets go, pretty boy" he laughed and got up. Regulus and Evan followed him, taking their trays. Regulus threw the half eaten food away on his way out, looking back once more and made eye contact with Remus. He'd talk to him later. Regulus followed his friends to their usual spot, a willow tree in the small park bordering the campus.  Regulus thought it looked nice.

"You guys are lucky I have no classes for the rest of the day" Regulus grunted as he took the spliff and lighter from Evan. Barty grinned. 

"We know, we wouldn't have asked otherwise, obviously" he said. Regulus looked at the thing, it was poorly rolled, giving away it was Evan who did it, Barty was great at it. 

"Even I can do better" Regulus sighed, burning off the tip. 

"Bet you can, but you didn't so shut up and suck" Evan rolled his eyes. Maybe smoking to avoid his problems was not the smartest move and he was sure Remus would tell him off later, but for now it was fine. They shared the thing between the three in them without saying a word, just vibing to the music Barty was playing from his phone. Between the three of them, Barty was definitely seen as the coolest one by others. He was usually up to date with trends and didn't care about other's opinions. He was the most fun at parties and wasn't shy to flirt with anything that moved. Evan was quieter, until you got to know him or he had just the tiniest bit of alcohol in his system. He had an amazing style, though and girls were tripping over themselves to get with him, but unfortunately for them, Evan was very much gay, much like Regulus himself. They had more luck with Barty, who was literally into anyone. People liked Regulus, or thought they did, simply because he had a pretty face and could skate. He was short and no one really knew anything about his personality, so it wasn't all that strange people preferred his friends over him. Same thing with Remus, who was also not as open as Barty or Evan, but he was tall, on the basketball team and it was a known fact he liked reading a lot. Regulus didn't mind, though. He liked being left alone. 

Everything felt normal for a second, Regulus with his head in Barty's lap, legs intertwined with Evan's, the three of them giggling at nothing while Evan tried to roll another one. Barty had offered to do it, but Evan had defensively told him he needed to practice. For just a second it felt like they were still in high school, skipping classes just to piss of Regulus' mom because he was already planning on leaving and she would not be trouble much longer. For a second Regulus forgot where he was, but then he heard the voice of a girl calling his name. He sat up in an instant and it took him a second to connect a name to the blur of red hair walking their way, but he slowly realized it was Lily Evans, Potter's girlfriend. 

"What do you want?" Barty asked in a cold tone, Regulus placed his hand on his friends leg to keep him down. Lily didn't flinch, her eyes slid over Barty for just a second, a judgmental look creeping onto her face before looking back at Regulus. 

"I wanted to ask if you had time to go over our homework, but I see you're... busy" Lily said, motioning vaguely at Evan and his failed attempt on rolling the spliff. 

"No I'm good, we'll go over it now if you want. Library?" Regulus said quickly. Lily narrowed her eyes. 

"Sure" she said. 

"Studying huh" Barty laughed but Regulus shot him a hard look. 

"That's Potters girl" Evan told Barty. 

"You know I'm gay" Regulus said. Barty rolled his eyes. 

"Boring" he just said, placing his arms behind his head and dramatically laying down. Regulus sighed deep and got up, grabbing his book bag and flinging it over one shoulder. 

"See you" he told his friends. Barty hummed and Evan moved two fingers away from his forehead as a greeting. Regulus quickly followed Lily who was walking with big, stern passes to the building in which the library was located. 

"I can't believe someone like you would hang out with people like them" she told him, which surprised Regulus. Him and Lily were not friends and this felt like something you'd say to your friends. 

"I even dated one of them" he giggled. Lily looked over her shoulder. 

"Please tell me it wasn't the one implying we'd be doing something other than study?" she sighed, Regulus said nothing. 

"My god, it was him, wasn't it? Why? He is just so, gross?" Lily rambled, clearly trying to fill the silence. Regulus giggled. 

"He's a great basketball player. Great with balls in general" he said. Lily stopped walking and looked at Regulus for a second. 

"You're higher than you think" she said to which Regulus shrugged. 

"Maybe." Lily spent the rest of the way to the library talking about the class she had today, of which Regulus wasn't sure why, but like he thought before, probably to fill the silence. And he hated to admit it, but listening to her talk was pretty okay. She had a nice soft voice and spoke with a certain kind of enthusiasm about the topic. She carefully tiptoed around mentioning Potter, only referring to him as her boyfriend, not naming any names. He wasn't sure what Potter had told her, but he was sure Lily knew about  their little meeting that morning. They entered the library and claimed an empty table at the back. Regulus took out his laptop and Lily her notepad and they exchanged them for each other to proofread. Lily was like magic with words. She had nailed the homework assignment, writing a short story based around the current weather, perfectly. The way she described the smells and the sounds and everything surrounding it was truly magnificent and inevitably led to Regulus comparing himself to her. He knew he was going to have to fight if he wanted to come out on top in this class. Still, Lily seemed very positive about his story as well, which granted him some relief. He was quite settled with the piece he had put down, but having other people read anything he wrote made him very anxious. Taking this class was a big step out of his comfort zone, but life wasn't always about being comfortable. Honestly, nothing about Regulus' life was truly comfortable, but at least it kept him on edge. 

"Can I ask you something?" Lily said, causing Regulus to look up from her story and his notes.

"You already are" he responded. She smiled lightly at him.

"I was talking to my boyfriend earlier today and something came up and I just needed to ask. Why do you dislike him?" she asked. Regulus bit his lip, he should've seen it coming.

"You can just call him by his name" he said. Lily nodded.

"Okay, why do you dislike James so much?" she asked. Regulus nervously fidgeted with his pen and looked anywhere but at her. 

"Just something that has happened when we were kids" he whispered. Lily frowned at this, clearly unaware this winter was not their first meeting.

“You knew him before? He didn't tell me that" she said, rubbing her forehead.

"Knew is a big word. He stole something for me and I hate him for it" Regulus explained.

"He stole something? When you were kids? Sorry but I have never been more lost" Lily said. Regulus sighed, she would find out sooner or later, so it'd be easier to tell her now.

"My brother. My brother replaced me with James fucking Potter the second they met, alright?" he said, purposefully not dropping Sirius' name yet. Lily slightly tilted her head to the side, her eyes inspecting every inch of his face.

"I was right, wasn't I? You look like Sirius" she said. Regulus shrugged.

"If you say so" he said. Lily kept studying him.

"It was not his intention" she then defended James. Regulus shrugged.

"I don't care. He still did it twice" he said, mindlessly pulling at one of his curls. Lily bit her lip, clearly trying to pick a side. 

"Why can't you just forgive him?" Lily asked. 

"I just can't, Evans. He ruined my life, you hear me?" Regulus spat out, gaining him a loud shush from the librarian. 

"Alright, alright, if you say so. I'm just saying it's really bothering James how you treat him" Lily said defensively.

“Why should I care?" Regulus bit back. But the problem was, he did care. For some unexplainable fucking reason, he did care. Lily raised her hands in defence and Regulus was ready to drop the subject, but Lily clearly wasn't. 

"How the fuck does Sirius not know you're here?" she asked. Regulus slammed him hand on the table.

"I am not here to listen to you ask about my fucking life, Evans. I barely even know you and I don't want to know you" he snapped. Regulus quickly stood up and shoved his things back into his bag, giving Lily back her notebook with a loud bang on the table. The red haired girl muttered a soft sorry, but Regulus was already storming off. He should've just stayed with his friends, who he soon found out to have left the spot they were in earlier. Regulus just stood and stared at the empty spot under the tree and cursed to himself. He was going to have to stop letting people in. Or something like that, he wasn't really letting Lily in, but also not actively shutting her out. She would be the last time he wasn't actively shutting out. 

It was a ten minute walk to the centre of the town bordering the campus and another five minutes to the pizza place where Regulus met up with Remus. He greeted his friend as if nothing had happened and the dynamics of their friendship weren't hanging on a thread, which was his own fault.

"I went ahead and ordered you a Fanta" Remus said. Regulus shot him a thankful smile and opened the menu. He had the worst texture issues, so there wasn't much he could eat, so just a regular old pizza margarita would have to do, he wasn't going to risk anything else. Remus ordered a pizza fungi and Regulus cringed at the idea of the soggy mushrooms. 

"You have to stop just agreeing to everything Barty and Evan tell you to do, by the way" Remus broke the silence. Regulus narrowed his eyes.

"It was my own choice" Regulus said. Remus shrugged and sipped from his coke.

"Sure it was" he said, but dropped the subject. 

"How are things with my brother" Regulus mumbled. He really did not want to know, but he was just making small talk for the sale of making small talk now. Sometimes he had these days where it felt like he had forgotten how to communicate with other people. Not that he had ever been particularly good at it to begin with, no matter how many fancy family parties he had been forced to, how many dinners with rich old men, and how many friends he had in school, he had trouble communicating. Wether it was talking about things that didn't interest him, speaking his thoughts and feelings or saying what it was he needed, he couldn't do it. 

"Things are alright, I guess" Remus shrugged, he didn't sound too enthusiastic. 

"You guess?" Regulus repeated. Remus shrugged again. 

"I think my mind is now constantly preoccupied with making sure we don't run into you. You know-" Regulus cut him off.

"I'm not telling him" he hissed. Remus raised his eyebrows. 

"I didn't say that" he said.

"You were going to" Regulus replied, "I am not going to ruin my life just so you can have your little college romance." 

"You're already ruining your own life right now, but I don't think you're ready to hear that" Remus said calmly. He gently nodded at the waiter who brought them their food and turned back to Regulus.

"You made the fucking choice to come here and no matter how much I love you and care about you, I think what you are doing is stupid and petty. I am not asking you to tell Sirius just for myself, but also for you. It would take away so much stress for the both of you, and for me and for James and you never have to talk to him ever again after, alright? You can just exist past one another." Remus said. Regulus crossed his arms like a child and stared at his friend for a second.

"I don't care if it lifts stress from Sirius or James" he said. Remus sighed deep. 

"Is that all you're taking from this? Really?" Remus asked him. Regulus shrugged and looked away, he was being childish on purpose. He knew damn well Remus was right, but he didn't want to hear it, not right now. Coming to this school had been stupid in the first place and he had no idea how he had thought he'd survive it. 

"You're unbelievable" Remus laughed degrading. 

"You are" Regulus mumbled back. Remus dropped his hand on the table.

"Reg, I'm not here to pick a fight, okay? I am here so you don't have to dine at the great hall and to be your friend. Please, just for once, let me help you" Remus whispered. Regulus finally dared to look at him again and found a boy that looked so very similar to the first time they had met. That one autumn afternoon in their third year of high school, after Regulus had ran out of class crying and Remus had found him behind the school angrily tearing apart his notebooks. 

"Let me help you"  he had said, and it was the first time Regulus had let anyone in. He had thought Remus meant to calm him down so he had yelled at him and tried to scare him away, but Remus just took one of the notebooks and started destroying it. The notebook had been how Regulus' parents had found out about him wanting to transition. He had been messy and had left them at home after summer. His parents had pulled them out when he was home for the autumn break. Sirius' school didn't do autumn breaks, so it had been just him and his parents. Or well, his mother, his father just stood by and watched. Regulus had had nightmares about that day ever since and never wrote down anything personal ever again. Remus had been there to help him through it all, though. After that day they had seen eachother every single day and grew to be best friends. It had taken so much in Regulus to actually let Remus in and now he was shutting him out again. 

"Please, Reg" Remus repeated. Regulus let out a deep sigh. 

"Alright, Alright I'll tell him, but not until after my first competition of this year, I can't use any distractions" Regulus finally gave in with a deep sigh. Remus nodded. 

"Sirius will kill you if he finds out you knew all this time" Regulus told him and Remus nodded.

"I know, I know. It is a terrible situation we have worked ourselves into" he said. They ate in silence for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

"When is your competition?" Remus asked. 

"In three weeks" Regulus said. He had been training for it all year, it would be his first competition in years, and quite honestly, he was shitting his pants. 

"The hockey team plays this weekend" Remus said. 

"I can't come with you" Regulus said. 

"You could wrap yourself in scarves and beanies" Remus suggested and Regulus giggled.

"I don't have a reason to come to the game, I don't like anyone on that team" he said. Remus shrugged.

"I do and you could come as support for me for having to sit through one big show off of Sirius and his friends" he said. Regulus pulled a face.

"No thank you" he quickly said. They finished their pizza and for the first time that week, everything felt back to normal and Regulus was content with his life.

Chapter Text

James woke up early, way too early. He had barely slept three hours and his alarm had not rang yet, but he couldn't sleep any longer. His head was throbbing and sweat ran down his forehead. Today was the first game of the new season and James was ecstatic and terrified at the same time. The team had been practicing every day for the past week and they we good, they were strong and actually had a chance of winning, but the team they would be playing against was also good. They had ended just under James' team last year. This year, his team also was in the run to qualifying for nationals and there would be more scouts coming to watch. Seconds, minutes, hours passed by slowly and the nerves slowly crept onto James. The shower couldn't help him calm down, Sirius couldn't help him calm down, breakfast couldn't help calm him down. He dragged himself over the campus, to the ice rink, following his teammates and shakily tied his skates and pretended to listen to the captain's pep talk, but the words went into one ear and out through the others. James couldn't seem to calm down till the second his skates hit the ice. His blades made contact with the cold, smooth field and every nerve he had felt, left his body. He looked around the rink, the tribunes were packed with people from their college, dressed in reds and yellows, and on the left, at the front, were a few students dressed in black and yellow, the opponents school colours. Some kind of glory filled James' chest, a feeling of euphoria and the game had not even started yet. This was exactly all James lived for, filled tribunes, people cheering him and his team on. And god, he even saw a banner with his name on it, held up by Lily and Marlene. James blew his girlfriend a kiss as he and the team skated a round around the field while the commentator called out their names. They all lined up next to each other, waiting for the other team to be introduced. James had looked into the players beforehand, they had two excelling players, who had both already been scouted but planned on finishing their education first, but the rest of the team wasn't that outstanding. Though, they were not to be underestimated, and the team remembered this all too well. One of their strongest players, however, had left the team, and James knew very little about the newbie. The teams lined up in their starting positions, James in the center, Peter on his left side and Kingsley on his right. Everything around him seemed to have disappeared, it was just him and the team now. He vaguely heard the start sign at the back of his head and suddenly everyone was moving. James shot over the ice like a rocket, quickly getting a hold of the puck, passing it between him and Peter, but unfortunately the opponents managed to steal the small disk from them. James skated back in Sirius' direction in the goal, who was following the puck with his eyes. He looked a bit ridiculous in his goalie gear, but James and his sport glasses couldn't look much better. The other team broke through their defense and they shot the disk towards the goal and... Sirius managed to stop the thing from flying into the goal. Cheering sounds around them as Sirius shoved the thing in his direction with his hockey stick. James passed it to Kingsley who maneuvered himself gracefully past the other team like it's nothing. James lurched forwards and sweeps his stick at the puck, hitting it in just the right way and scoring. Cheers broke loose all around them as his teammates skated by to fist bump him or give him a rewarding slap on the back. James grinned widely and lifted his arms in the air. The next ten minutes went by without anything happening, until the first intermission. The team got together and their coach yelled something at them, but James didn't really hear it. His eyes were on the public, fixated on Remus Lupin and his friend. His fucking stupid, unnecessarily overdressed friend who also happened to be Sirius' brother, Regulus Black. Their eyes met for just a split second and James could see Regulus cringe a bit at it, like he had been caught doing something he shouldn't be. And he was, of course, doing something he wasn't supposed to. James felt his anger rise a bit, what did he think he was doing? Ruining his life was bad enough, ruining the teams chance of winning was just borderline pathetic. What if Sirius saw him? It took James a minute to realize why  the boy was this overdressed, scarf wrapped around his chin, beanie on his head, as if he was not used to the cold. Sirius would not recognize him like this. He was genuinely here to... to what? To just watch the game? Why would he want that? Did Remus make him come? Why did James care? He was so caught up in his thoughts, he hadn't realized the time out was over. The whistle sounded, alarming everyone to get back in place. James wanted to put back in his hockey bit, but he hadn't even had the time to take it out and drink some water, to occupied by someone he should not even be thinking about. He slid back onto the ice, gracefully taking in his position again. The opposing team scored a point, and then another and their coach requested a time out. 

"Come on guys, a bit more power" he said, but he looked at James specifically. James nodded violently while also glancing over to the tribunes. He was still there. They had ten minutes left in the game when Peter scored and then Kingsley scored right after. Sirius managed to stop a few nasty attacks and Mulciber on defense made on of the opposing players make a mean smack onto the ice. There were about five minutes left when James went full in, puck in his possession, determined not to let anyone or anything stop him, or so he thought. He hit the puck with more than enough force, the small disk flew over the ice. The thing had barely left the touch of his hockey stick when the defense from the other team slammed right into him. It could have been a beautiful defense, had it been a millisecond earlier and with just a tad less brute force. Before he can comprehend what is happening, James slammed into the ice, his helmet snapping open in the process. His bare head hit the ice and the player from the other team fell right onto him, his skate cutting into James leg. A sharp pain shot through the entirety of his body a second before he could feel warm, thick blood gushing from where the skate hit him, just under his left knee. The blade had cut right through his pants and James let out a short but painful scream. It felt like all the air was being sucked out of his body, out of the rink, everything had gone silent, but maybe it was just because his ears were ringing and everything around him was shutting off. He looked down, at his leg, at the blood staining the ice, at his teammates speeding towards him, but time seemed to slow down. The ringing in his ears intensified and someone turned of the light in the rink. James fought to stay awake, tears filling his eyes, but just as Peters face appeared above him, he fell asleep. 

When he awoke, the light was on again. James pressed his hand against the cold of the ice, but there was no cold and there was no ice. He was no longer in his protective gear, he had no glasses on and he was actually quite warm and sweaty. His hair stuck annoyingly to his forehead and his head was throbbing, as was his leg. He went to sit up, but couldn't, someone pushed him down immediately.

"Stay down, don't move" a stern, but familiar voice sounded. James had been at the first aid on campus one time before, when Sirius had passed out after hitting his head too hard during practice and had fainted, so it took him a bit to know where he was. The fact he was practically blind did not help him. 

"Can I at least have my glasses" he asked weakly. 

"He you go mate" Sirius sounded besides him, pressing the thin frame of his glasses into James' open hand. He quickly put them on his nose and blinked a few times. His friends were there, Sirius and Peter, as was Lily, who seemed to be sleeping. 

"You're awake" Sirius sighed, voice shaking. 

"Obviously" James said, he had not really processed why he was here. 

"You were out for over an hour mate" Peter breathed. James raised his eyebrows. 

"What are you on about" he said, but a painful sting in his leg brought back the memories. He had been distracted, he did not see the defense coming for him. Did he score? Did they win? When could he leave? So many questions popped up in his head. Sirius nudged Lily, scaring her awake.

"James" she gasped, tears in her eyes. James smiled widely, ignoring the pain in his head.

"Hi baby" he said. 

"Oh James, I'm so sorry" she cried. 

"For what?" James asked, frowning. 

"Your leg" Lily said, gently touching his shoulder.

"Ah, I'll be fine" James nodded. He saw Sirius turn around and Lily biting his lip. Peter just stared at him. 

"You're not allowed on the ice for at least a month. They don't know if you'll ever fully recover, the blade hit just below your kneecap" Lily whispered. James sat up in an instant, no longer caring about the pain it caused or his friends trying to hold him down. 

"You're joking, right? You're taking the piss on me?" James demanded. Lily didn't dare to look him in the eye. 

"I need the doctor to confirm this" James said.

"He said it might be better if you heard it from us" Sirius whispered. It was true, James wasn't sure how he'd have reacted if a stranger told him this. His head was spinning, A month no skating? At least? What did they mean they weren't sure if he would fully recover l? He was supposed to bounce back, always and every time. He was supposed to get scouted. This was his life, his dream, his will to live. He could do a month, right? He could still go to the gym, probably and his leg didn't even hurt that much, did it? 

"Did we at least win?" James asked, desperately trying to cling onto something good.

"We sure did" Sirius told him proudly.

"You saved us dude" Peter said. Thank god. James smiled at them and the doctor walked in.

"Ah, you're awake" he smiled gently. James sat up even straighter, his heart beating in his throat.

"Is it true" he asked. The doctor frowned, looking over his glasses. 

"What is?" he asked. His voice was bright and powerful, perfectly matching his appearance. He felt warm and present, but he still had to be the bearer of bad news.

"The whole skating thing?" James pushed. The doctor's face didn't drop his emotion.

"I'm afraid so, yes" he said calmly. Lily squeezed James' hand. 

"But we have another game in about two weeks. If I don't play that I will lose my chance for my future and a month no training means I'll be completely out of the loop and-" he had started crying somewhere mid sentence and was now sobbing uncontrollably. 

"Your leg had to be stitched up, mister Potter. You can't have any intensive movement for two weeks at least, after that you can try and do some training on land, but no skating until I tell you so, yeah?" the doctor said. His name tag read 'Longbottom'. 

"And don't try to be stubborn and ignore my advice, because it will only do you more harm, understood? Now, you are to stay here till tomorrow morning, I will stop by first thing and one of your friends will have to pick you up." the man continued. James grunted loudly, but he didn't dare to go against him. He had to physically shove Sirius, Peter and Lily out of the room and James had about five seconds of silence before his parents barged in. Effie was white in the face and Monty was repeatedly shaking his head. 

"Mom, dad, didn't expect to see you this soon again" James joked.

"At least he hasn't lost his sense of humor" Monty sighed. Effie said nothing and walked over to him to wrap her arms around him. 

"You scared us right" she whispered.

"I didn't mean to" James whispered back, because, obviously, none of this had been planned. 

"Let me see your leg" Effie said, gently removing the blanket. James himself hadn't seen his leg yet and it looked worse that he had imagined. He was glad his mother was holding him, otherwise he would have fainted again. It is not that James couldn't handle blood, but the fact that this was his leg, made him sick. The dried out blood and the black stitches, the wound had been cleaned but it was still massive and gross. He had to look away before he was going to throw up.

"We will be wrapping it in bandage tonight, it needed to air out a bit" the doctor spoke. James nodded, eyes pressed shut. He was disgusted by the sight of his leg and felt guilty because his parents had to drive all the way to campus just because he got into a stupid accident. He knew it was not his fault and there had been no way he could've prevented it but still. Maybe if he had not been distracted, maybe if he had payed a bit more attention to his surroundings, maybe if he wasn't trying to show off. 

"I'm sorry" James said out loud. His mother stroked his hair and his father gave him a sad smile. 

"It's not your fault darling" Effie said, but if felt like it was. The rational thing to do here was to blame the opposing team, the boy who drove his skate into James' leg. He wanted to be angry, but James couldn't get angry at other people, especially not when it was so clearly an accident. There was no way in hell that boy had meant to harm James, because that would just lead to an immediate strike from the team. So instead, James turned all his anger towards himself. It was a terrible thing to do and it was just as unfair as blaming anyone else, but it was the only way James could let the situation wash over him. His parents stayed with him for just a little longer, before they had to head back home, they both had work early in the morning and it was about an hour drive. James slept a bit, took some painkillers and watched as a nurse carefully wrapped his leg. She told him about the time she fell from the top of the cheerleading tower to distract him, but it didn't really help and only led to James suffering even worse nightmares. When he woke up doctor Longbottom was logging off and gave instructions to another nurse. It was clear they were about to close off for the night when a tall figure walked in, completely out of breath, followed by a shorter figure. James rubbed his, still throbbing, forehead and looked Remus and Regulus up and down. 

"Hi?" he asked. The two of them stood awkwardly in the opening of the door. 

"Will you knock on my window when you leave?" the nurse sighed. Remus nodded and he and Longbottom left the room. Remus was jumping from one foot to the other and Regulus stared straight into James' soul with those stupidly blue eyes of him. He was no longer wrapped in the scarf and hat, but was now wearing a big, loose shirt and baggy black pants. James couldn't remember if he had ever seen him wear color. 

"I- We- wanted to see if you were okay" Remus said. James rolled his eyes. 

"Well, obviously I'm not" he grunted. He sat up again so he could see his visitors better and awkwardly pushed his glasses onto his nose. The room was dimly lit, but they were clearly visible. 

"What is the damage?" Remus asked. 

"At least a month no skating, they don't know if I'll ever play at a high level again, though I don't know if that's true. What I do know is, that if I miss the next game, which is in two weeks so I will in fact, miss it, I won't stand a chance of being scouted anymore" James ranted. He wasn't sure why he wasn't just giving short, straight answers and he also wasn't sure why he was looking at Regulus during all of this. The black haired boy just stared at him, not moving a muscle. 

"Why is he even here?" James asked, head motioning to him, "Came here to laugh? Must be glad, I won't be a bother for you for the next month or so. My life is ruined, got what you want?" James snapped. He wasn't angry, not even that annoyed, he just wanted a reaction. 

"I'm not sure why he's here, he wanted to come with but won't say why" Remus said, scratching the back of his head. James wasn't even sure why Remus was there, they weren't close friends at all. 

"Your life isn't ruined, it's just a month, you'll be fine" Regulus said, voice cold, "Besides, we are still in the writing course together so I'm not free of you just yet." He looked bored, like he didn't want to be there at all, but that did not match what Remus had said just a second ago. 

"Sure. You've seen me now, so you can leave. The zoo is closed. Remus, I'll see you later" James sighed. Remus said his goodbyes and left the room, but Regulus lingered just a second longer. He studied James' face and then mumbled something that sounded a suspicious lot like "Get well soon". The words stayed in the air, even when they were long gone.

Sirius came to pick him up the next morning, Lily followed an extra class on Sunday mornings and couldn't make it, though she felt really guilty for it. James had not realized how bad his leg was until his stood on it. A pain that made him forget everything around him for a second shot through his body and he had to sit down for a second again. It took him a second and then a third try to successfully stand up and walk. He leaned heavily on Sirius' shoulder and almost told him about how Regulus and Remus came to visit him last night, but stopped himself just in time. 

"Feeling any better?" Sirius asked him, but James shook his head. He felt even worse. 

"We postponed the victory party, by the way. You'll have to let me know if you want to be there or just want to sleep tonight, alright?" Sirius told him. It was a nice gesture they had postponed it, the final scorer not being able to be there and all, but James doubted he was going to be able to attend today. He felt like avoiding anything that had to do with ice skating. 

Sirius lingered in their room, asking every five minutes if there was anything they could do for James and James told them no every time so when Lily came knocking at their door, he finally gave up and left to find Peter. Party preparation or something. Lily settled herself with James under his blanket, placing a laptop in their lap and putting on James' comfort movie, the hunger games. When he was younger he had a long hyper fixation on the hunger games, usually imagining what it would be like to go in there. He had convinced himself he would make it out, him and Sirius, because obviously, with their luck, they'd go together. Maybe with his luck now, he'd been thrown in with Regulus, though. The movie managed to take his mind of of things and James was glad Lily felt he was not in the mood to talk. They binged all four of the films and by then Sirius came back to bring them dinner and to pick them up for the party. James had rested well all day and as long as he had a chair, he'd be fine for at least a little while. He made Sirius promise him to take him back to his room immediately if he asked for it. Sirius agreed, obviously. The party was being held at Kinsleys, who had an apartment just off campus, which he shared with three other people, one of which James knew from being on the team last year, before he graduated. People came up to him in a constant stream, asking him about his leg, congratulating him on the most spectacular goal in years, pitying him. James threw back a beer and then another and his head hurt, but he didn't care. He sat with Sirius and Lily. Remus joined them not much later and his relaxed posture told him Regulus was not there, which should have felt like a relief, but felt more like a disappointment. He changed the position in which he was sitting because his leg started to feel stiff and numb and drank another beer. He wasn't really enjoying himself, but he also wasn't having a bad time. He joined Mary and Lily's conversation and pretended not to see the way Mary looked at Lily or the way Lily's hands were on Mary's thighs. He kissed Lily like he didn't see any of that and Lily kissed him back like none of it was happening. After about an hour and a half, James was in almost unbearable pain and begged Sirius to take him home, which they did. They returned to the partly shortly after James closed his eyes.

It was terrible, waking up, going to classes, watching his friends leave him for practice and being in constant pain. The stitches were removed, but the wound was still ugly and itched and hurt. The first two weeks were over and James was in doctor Longbottom, Frank, his office again for a check up. 

"You said I was allowed to sport again after two weeks" James said. Frank smiled at him. 

"Yes, you can start by slowly building up how much pressure you put on your leg at the gym. But remember what else I said, not a single foot on the ice, alright?" he said, inspecting the wound. James' leg still hurt to walk on, the position of the injury not helping him in anyway, being constantly moved and stretched when he walked. He was getting used to the pain, though. 

Naturally, the first thing James did when he left Frank's office, was grab his sports gear and hurry off to the gym. It was the middle of the day and most people were in class so James was surprised to find Marlene and Dorcas there, on the treadmills. Marlene jumped off as soon as she saw James walking in.

"Potter" he grinned widely. 

"McKinnon" James replied. 

"You're allowed to move again" she cheered and James nodded. 

"I sure am, just have to build it up slowly" he said. Dorcas walked over to them and slapped James on his back. She whistled loudly and waved to someone across the room. James rolled his eyes visibly. 

"I take it you have met baby Black, then" Dorcas snorted. 

"And if I have. Does he know you call him that?" James sighed. 

"Oh. You" Regulus said, looking James up and down with a judging look. 

"You" James also said. Dorcas looked between the two of them. 

"What's going on here?" she asked. Regulus shook his head. 

"Nothing" he said. Dorcas shot Marlene a look which James couldn't seem to figure out. 

... 

Regulus knew James had been staring at him the entirety of his training session, but he let it slide. He had also been staring at him for the entirety of the session. James clearly had trouble walking, his leg didn't always work with him. Regulus had thought seeing James' life being ruined, him being severely hurt, would have satisfied him, but something was off. He just felt bad for the other boy. He wanted to help him, but he didn't know how and that would have been very weird. In James' head, Regulus still hated him. Which, of course, he still did, but also found himself missing James' texts in the morning or catching glimpses of him training. Something with not knowing what you have until its gone, except Regulus didn't have anything to begin with and it was not really gone. He saw James during the writing class and sometimes in the great hall. He spent half of his days cursing himself out for catching himself thinking about the boy and resisting the urge to text him to ask how he's doing. Seeing James being able to sort of sport again was fulfilling in the way that the accident should have felt. Maybe Regulus was just a less bad person than he had thought. He overheard James asking Marlene why Regulus was with them, to which she had replied with something about helping out the first year figure skating, something with bonding and taking care of the team. Because that's what they were, a team, despite all of them skating for themselves. Regulus couldn't stay afterwards, though. He had to get back to London for his training with Narcissa. She had decided Regulus could just drive up and down, as if gas didn't cost a fucking fortune. He threw his bag in the trunk of his car and cranked up the music. He dramatically sang along to the Black Parade album, one of his favorites, as he drove through the gray, rainy weather. Being back in London, with Narcissa, made him highly uncomfortable, being so close to home. Or, the house he grew up in, he wouldn't call it a home, exactly. 

"You're late" Narcissa sneered, arms crossed. 

"I'm right on time" Regulus sighed, he knew better than to go against her, but he was not in the mood to just comply to everything she said. 

"Which means you're-" she started. 

"Late. Yes I know" Regulus cut her off. He stepped on the ice and looked at her expectingly. She lazily pointed her finger at him.

"Show me the routine real quick" she said and so he did. He performed the routine he had been working on for weeks flawlessly and Narcissa didn't bat as much as an eye. She looked at him filled with boredom and rolled her eyes when his ending wasn't as smooth as planned. 

"Well, we got some work to do. This is boring" she said. Regulus' mouth fell open.

"You made the routine" he said. 

"You're making it boring. Why didn't you do the triple axel? A double will make you look lazy. Your form while landing is terrible, by the way and your Lutz is sloppy" Narcissa said. Regulus wisely kept his mouth shut and restarted the music. He did the triple axel and tried to focus on the other points his cousin had noted. And then again and again, Narcissa yelling all kinds of insults and points of improvement to him. He skated till his legs gave in and he almost collapsed on the ice. 

"Get up, or do I need to call your mother?" his cousin said. Regulus was up in an instant, because he knew she meant it. At this point she was just tormenting him for the kick she got out of it, but there was nothing Regulus could do about it. 

It was dark out when Regulus finally got back to his car. He was in no right state to drove, but he had to. It was a normal school day and he still had to attend his classes. He would be back here tomorrow, Narcissa insisted on seeing him every day this week, since the competition was a week away. With a big sigh he started his car and carefully drove back to the campus. It was late and the highway was mostly empty, so even this Regulus' brain was tired and foggy, he still made it home safely. He found Remus sitting on his bed, a mug with hot chocolate in his hands. He looked bad, tired, and his eyes were red.

"Are you okay?" Regulus asked hesitantly while dropping his bag on his bed. Remus looked up at him as if he had only now realised Regulus was back. 

"I- ehm, Yeah. My father called me and eh" a loud sob left Remus' mouth. His father never called him, they weren't exactly on friendly terms.

"It's my mother, she's sick" Remus said. Hos tears started running again and he looked faint. Remus loved his mother, Hope Lupin. Regulus also loved Hope, she was the mother figure he never got to have. Regulus sat down and stared at Remus.

"Sick?" he repeated. He saw Remus' world collapse on him again, his eyes wet but his gaze empty.

"Dementia" he said. A sharp pain shot through Regulus' heart. Hope was one of the few adults he trusted, if not the only one and hearing of her being ill came like a slap in his face.

"I- I'm so sorry" Regulus whispered. Remus shrugged.

"Nothing we can do anything about" he said, but his voice gave away that's what he found the worst part. The fact he could not help, not do anything about it. Regulus wasn't a very empathetic person, he struggles feeling other people's feelings, but in this case, he knew exactly how Remus felt. 

"I'm just so scared, Reg. She will forget who I am and what she means to me" Remus cried. Regulus sat down next to his friend and stroked the top of his head, letting the taller boy lean his head on his chest. 

"I know. It's unfair" Regulus said. Though he knew exactly how Remus felt, he had no idea how to comfort him. 

"You should try and get some sleep, alright?" he said and helped Remus get undressed and ready for bed. Remus did not say a single word until he finally laid down and turned the lights off.

"Goodnight" he whispered weakly.

"Goodnight" Regulus whispered back. He was, however, not going to bed yet. He left the room and went straight to the great hall, which was almost empty, but still serving some kind of warm meal. He hated eating alone, but since there was no one to watch him and he was on the verge of collapsing, he still did. And as it turned out, he wasn't going to be alone after all. 

"Black" a voice Regulus hated to be familiar sounded. Regulus looked up from his potatoes and looked at James' tired face.

"Potter" he said.

"Funny how we keep meeting, isn't it?" James said, awkwardly standing next to the table. 

"I don't find it very funny" Regulus said, rolling his eyes. James was also holding a tray of food, which was weird to Regulus, because why had he not eaten yet? 

"You can sit down" he sighed and James gratefully, but hesitantly placed his tray on the table. 

"Are you here all by yourself?" Regulus asked James when he didn't speak. James nodded. 

"I had to see my doctor again, let him know how the first time doing any more movement than just walking went" James explained.

"I had training in London" Regulus said, not knowing why he was telling James this. 

"Have a competition coming up?" James asked. Regulus nodded, his mouth filled with beans. 

"Next week" he said, after swallowing the food and placing his cutlery on his plate, like his mother taught him. James' expression changed, the thought of a competition must hurt him. 

"What do I owe you the pleasure of your company to?" Regulus asked, eyes narrowed. James shrugged.

"I don't know, I was lonely, you looked lonely" he said. 

"We're still not friends, remember?" Regulus said.

"We could be" James replied. Regulus shook his head.

"I doubt that" he said. He found himself disagreeing with his thoughts. He didn't doubt it, they could be. Everyone could be friends with James, even Regulus, who resented him, because James was one of the easiest people to be around Regulus had ever met. He was even starting to get why Sirius befriended him that fast. Regulus didn't want to feels these feelings, he wanted to hate James, but he still had them. 

"Do you want me to leave?" James asked. No. 

"Yes."

"Are you sure?" James insisted. 

"I'm sure" Regulus sighed. He had picked up his fork again and was now just stabbing his food absently. James cleared his throat and nodded before standing up. Regulus watched him as he dumped the untouched food into the trashcan and his leg stiffly dragged behind him. Regulus sighed as he ate a few more potatoes and then also dumped his food from his tray. He was just back at his room when his screen lit up and Regulus' heart made a small jump.

Do you need the rink to yourself tomorrow?

When Regulus arrived at the rink, James was indeed there, sitting in the stands. 

"I thought you weren't supposed to be skating" Regulus said as he dumped his bag next to the boy. 

"I'm not skating, just watching" James grinned. Regulus rolled his eyes. 

"Why the fuck would you do that?" Regulus asked.

"I like to be tortured" James said with a wink. Regulus quickly turned away from James, his face warm. 

"I didn't need to know that" he mumbled. He heard James laughing behind him.

"You'd be the first" he joked. Regulus turned back around, collecting himself and looked James straight in the eye.

"Good to know" he said before bending down and tying his laces. He wasn't sure why he said he didn't need to be alone this morning, he very much did, he had an important competition coming up and he needed to practice his axel and James' company made him very nervous. He did what he needed to do though, and went over his routine perfectly. He felt James' eyes burning on him, but shook it off and continued with his practise. Maybe it was a good thing to have someone who made him nervous there.  James mouth was slightly open, his eyes wide. 

"Impressive" he mumbled, more to himself than to Regulus, but he still caught it and it filled his chest with glory. He didn't know James could be impressed by anyone below him. Regulus had to remind himself he didn't like James, he still stole his brother away from him, he was the reason Regulus had major trust issues. But the problem was that Regulus could see why his brother liked James and he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He was growing used to James' presence and hated how he had missed looking out for him at the rink, fleeing away as soon as he came in. He had also quite enjoyed watching the hockey game and had been genuinely concerned for James when the accident had happened. What the fuck was wrong with him. James stared at the ice longingly. Regulus stuck his hand out and motioned for James to come. He hesitantly stood up and clumsily walked over to him. 

"What do you want?" James asked unsure. 

"Join me on the ice" Regulus said impatiently, already regretting his impulse. James' eyes widened.

"I can't, you're not allowed on the ice with shoes on" he gasped. 

"I can't imagine you, off all people, having a problem with breaking rules" Regulus said, eyebrows raised. James hesitated and then took Regulus' hand. He had to adjust to the weight hanging onto him, James was really unstable, but he managed to keep them both upright. James carefully shuffled over the ice, still squeezing Regulus' hand. 

"Gosh, a bit less strength couldn't hurt" he said and James quickly let go, which he should not have done. He almost fell and Regulus caught him just in time. Regulus was glad he was wearing gloves, he wasn't sure if he could stand to feel James' skin touching his. There was something very wrong with him. James did seem to glare up at the sensation of both being on the ice and breaking the rules, so his plan was working. Regulus decided to blame his thoughts on the fact it was early in the morning and he was still tired from yesterday. That seemed fair.

Chapter Text

Remus nervously jumped from one foot to the other. He dug his hands a little further into his pockets and shrunk a little deeper into his jacket. It was very cold outside and Sirius was late. Was he bailing on him? Remus had thought out a perfect date plan, take him to the bookshop, grab a coffee, talk a bit, but didn't Sirius want that? Maybe it all sounded too boring for them and didn't they want to- 

"I'm so sorry I'm late" Sirius ran up to him, out of breath. Remus blinked a few times, he hadn't thought Sirius would still be showing up, but here he was, looking gorgeous as ever. Their hair was in a low bun and their leather jacket looked so hot. 

"I-It's alright" Remus mumbled, trying to stop the blood from streaming to his face. 

"I lost track of time and I- god, you didn't think I stood you up? Did you?" Sirius asked wide eyed. Remus laughed nervously.

"Maybe for a second" he admitted. 

"Oh lord, I would never do that" Sirius exclaimed. Remus dug the point of his shoe into the dirt on the ground and shrugged. 

"I didn't know that" he said. Sirius loudly exhaled. 

"I should have texted you" they nodded. Remus also nodded. 

"Well? Let's go, shall we?" Sirius asked and they started walking. There wasn't much to do in the little town around campus, so they took the bus to the nearest city of which Remus knew to have a huge bookstore. 

"Do you want to hear something stupid?" Sirius asked, "I've never been here." They got out of the bus and Remus looked around. He had been once before, with a girl who asked him out at the beginning of the year. They didn't work out, obviously, but Remus got a free book out of it, so he wasn't complaining. 

"That's alright, I know the way I think" Remus said with a gentle smile. They walked in silence, not really knowing what to say or ask and Remus felt like he was right back in high school. All the awkward dates Regulus and Evan made him go on. Except this time, he actually likes the person he is on a date with. He asked him out himself, no pushing from anyone else. So why didn't he know what to say? Maybe it were the nerves, that could very well be, because on the inside Remus felt like dying. He was so scared to screw up, to not be interesting enough for Sirius. As if Sirius could read his mind, they slipped their hand into his and their fingers automatically intertwined, as if they had been doing this forever. Sirius smiled at him and Remus couldn't help but smile back. For a moment the world seemed to exist of nothing but just the two of them and Remus felt stupid for being so down bad for someone he barely knew. Still, he held onto Sirius hand and led him in the right direction, the bookstore slowly popping up into view. It was a huge, old building and looked just like it did when Remus had been half a year before. Remus suddenly stopped in his track.

"Do you even read?" he asked wide eyed. He hadn't thought about if Sirius even liked books, maybe he thought all of this was lame and boring. 

"Are you implying I can't read?" Sirius joked. He didn't know it was possible, but Remus' eyed widened even further. 

"I'm just kidding" he said, laughing. Remus exhaled, feeling stupid for making such a comment. Sirius didn't seem to mind, though, and they happily chatted on about why he didn't read as often as he would want to. Remus listened to him ramble, entranced by the sound of their voice and the liveliness in their sound. Remus hated to admit that they had not had that many conversations yet and he was learning so much about Sirius by listening him going from talking about books to the way he and James used to have a pet goldfish at their dorm in high school to how that led to their nicknames, padfoot, prongs and wormtail, wormtail being Peter Pettigrew, another one of their high school friends. Remus had met Peter like once, but he could form a perfect picture of him in his head when Sirius told him about how he used to have a rat tail in his hair, like Anakin from Star Wars. Sirius paused in their story, leaving room for Remus to disrupt him if he was talking to much, but Remus had nothing to say. He was more than content with just listening to Sirius ramble on. They approached the bookstore and Remus held open the door for Sirius. They were greeted by a comfortable warmth washing over them, their frozen fingers slowly defrosting. The smell of books and coffee reached Remus and he instantly felt at home. The place was dimly lit, just cozy enough not to feel overwhelmingly big. Sirius instantly made their way to the classics and Remus followed him on the heels. He had read most of the selection the store offered, both for school and for fun. Sirius held up one of the books. 

"Have you read this?" he asked. It was the picture of Dorian Gray.

"Of course" Remus answered. 

"Was it any good? I've only seen the movie and god, what the fuck was that? So now I'm scared to read the book, you know?" Sirius spoke. Remus did his best to follow what he was saying, the pace with which he spoke was almost too fast to follow, even for Remus, who was used to hearing Regulus speak. What was it with the Blacks and speaking this fast? Probably the French roots, Remus thought. 

"I just pretend the movie doesn't exist" Remus shrugged. He had very much enjoyed reading The picture of Dorian Gray, and the movie had left him so disappointed. 

"Do you recommend reading the book? Because I've been thinking about buying it for a while now, but if it's not worth it, I don't want to waste my money, you know" Sirius said. 

"Oh, yeah, I definitely recommend it, though it's a bit hard to get through, since, you know, it's a classic. You can also borrow my copy if you'd like" Remus nodded. Sirius' face lit up.

"That'd be great" he said. 

"It is full of stupid annotations, though" Remus admitted with a red face, thinking about all the stuff he wrote in there. Sirius smiled. 

"Even better. I eh, I used to have a sister who thought it was a waste to annotate in your books, so she always kept a notebook next to the books she was reading" Sirius said. He kept smiling, but their eyes gave away the hurt they felt. A pang of guilt shot through Remus' chest. Regulus still kept notebooks next to his books to annotate, Remus had bullied him relentlessly for it. He cringed at the thought of Sirius finding out Remus had been friends with his sibling all along, but it really was not his place to tell them. All of this had just been an unfortunate accident. Sirius put the book back in it's place and Remus took their hand again to lead them to the little coffee corner at the back of the store. It wasn't exactly busy and the two made themselves comfortable on two enormous, soft sofa's. Remus pretended to study the menu card, as if he was not just going to order a cappuccino. 

"You're quiet" Sirius noted. Remus shrugged.

"I'm not much of a talker, I guess" he replied. It was not really a lie, but it felt like that. Part of Remus was just very nervous, he wasn't great with people, and part of him felt guilty to both Sirius and Regulus, and then there was the weight of his mother being sick crushing him. He wanted to see her, but he wasn't allowed, his father would not let him. He had tried, called multiple times a day, but it was no use. Remus hated his father for it. 

"There is something on your mind, I can feel it" Sirius said. Remus shook his head, he could not share this yet. He had a hard time letting people in and he didn't want to be a burden to Sirius, they were on a date, after all. He should be happy. 

"I'm just a bit tired, that's all. How's James?" Remus asked. Sirius shrugged. 

"He could be better, honestly. He seems to be very mentally absent recently and he won't tell me what's up. I know he is struggling with his leg and all, but that can't be all, can it?" they sighed. Remus nodded. He knew that was not all, of course and he wasn't sure why he had asked in the first place. 

"That sucks" was all he could reply. Remus was growing annoyed with himself, he felt he was truly fucking this date up because he could not bring himself to be more energetic. Remus drank his coffee in silence, both of them waiting for the other to say something else, but he just could not think of anything. Sirius sprung up at the sound of his ringtone, violently pressing the phone to his ear, brows furrowed. Remus looked at him questioning, but Sirius didn't let anything go. Remus decided to check his own phone and immediately cursed himself out for always keeping it on silent. He had about six missed calls from Regulus and even one from James. Something was very wrong. Sirius' face fell, he looked both angry and confused. 

"I need to get back to school, now" he said. Remus nodded while he pressed the call button next to Regulus' name. 

"I'll call us a cab" Sirius said and Remus nodded again, his heart beating in his throat as he listened to the sound of the phone ringing his friend. It took Regulus about a minute to finally pick up and it was clear he had been crying. 

"Reg?" Remus whispered. 

"Remus. I need you to come back, it- its an emergency" Regulus stuttered. He sounded out of breath and Remus could almost imagine him sitting on the ground, in a corner somewhere at school, except he then heard another voice. Another two voices. 

"Yes miss, Sirius will be back soon." It was James. What was James doing there. 

"Very good" sounded a female voice. It was the head of the school, miss McGonagall. Remus froze for a second while a thousand thoughts popped up in his head, about a million scenarios formed and none of them ended well. He felt the color drain from his cheeks as he followed Sirius outside. 

"I'll be there soon" Remus said and hung up. Sirius looked at him.

"Who was that?" he asked. 

"M-my roommate. Said I needed to come back as quick as possible" Remus admitted, not in a state of mind to come up with a lie. 

"What a weird coincidence, both of our roommates calling us back as quick as possible" Sirius said with a frown. 

"So weird" Remus nervously agreed. 

•••

Sirius held onto Remus' arm as they entered the school together and made their way to the head mistress' office. He had no idea what was going on, James wouldn't tell him anything, other than panicky repeating over and over he needed to come back to campus right this moment. His heart was racing and he felt faint. He had not felt like this since the night they ran away and the few days after, when his mom came looking for them. Sirius has the vague gut feeling this has something to do with their mother again. Had something bad happened? What could possibly be this important? Sirius can't remember if he's ever been to the head mistress' office, but he knows exactly where to go and Remus does too, as it turns out. The door was closed when they got there and James was sitting on the bench outside, picking at his nails and nervously bumping his leg up and down. He looked up when they approach him and pulled Sirius into a hug.

"I'm so sorry we had to ruin your date, I promise, I have nothing to do with this, don't be mad at me" James rambled. Sirius had to push James away and stare at him, they had no idea what the fuck James was talking about. James nervously looked over at Remus, who was white in the face.

"Why do I get the feeling you know more than I do?" Sirius asked them. The both of them stared at the floor. Sirius sighed deep and knocked at the door of the head mistress. He heard a chair move and the old lady's voice through the door. 

"I understand you don't want this, mister Black, but you are the one who filled him out as emergency contact" she said. Sirius blinked a few times, he had not said anything yet. Something in him told him he was not the mister Black she was talking to, but it made no sense. What was happening? The door opened and a small lady with grey hair, pulled back into a bun, opened the door. She was wearing a deep green suit and looked at Sirius over her glasses, a stern look in her eyes.

"Ah, Sirius Black, come on in" she said. James quickly joined Sirius at their side.

"Eh, I'm sorry ma'am, can we please also come in? I think it will eh, be needed" he said, pointing at him and Remus. The lady looked over at the both of them, then looked inside. 

"Are you okay with mister Potter and mister Lupin joining us?" she asked the person sitting inside. Sirius tried to catch a glimpse of them, but saw nothing more than a bunch of black curls. 

"Yes please" the voice said and so McGonagall stepped aside and let the three of them in. Her office was nothing like Sirius had imagined, it felt more like a living room rather than an office. There were no more seats, so they just stood awkwardly behind the person already sitting there, who would not turn their head, not even at Remus, who greeted them. He got back a small nod. Their hands laid on the table and were visibly trembling. Around one of their fingers sat a very familiar ring. The little Black family symbol casted in silver. Sirius knew exactly what was carved into the inside of the ring. Toujours pur. The Black family motto. Who was this person. The head mistress cleared her throat. 

"Sirius Black, I am sure you have no idea as to why I called you in today, do you?" Sirius shook their head. Remus and James next to him cringed, as if they knew what was coming, and, well, maybe they did. The person at the table turned their head and Sirius felt like they were about to throw up. That was his little sister. Except it wasn't? Sirius was sure this was the same person he had seen at the club a few weeks ago. They were wearing his sisters face, but it definitely was not her. 

"What the fuck is this?" Sirius asked. Was this part of some kind of sick joke? It wasn't funny. The person at the table rolled their eyes, but Sirius could sense their fear. He wanted to step up to them, hit them, but James took his arm. 

"Now, mr Black, this might come like a shock to you," McGonagall said, "But this is your brother, Regulus Black." Sirius stared the kid down. 

"I do not have a brother" he said. The kid, Regulus, stared right back at him. 

"Didn't know you would forget about me that easily. Though I should have expected it, when you left me there, alone, in that house" he said. He spoke with the same grace his sister always had, as far as they could remember. He felt so familiar yet so distant, like Sirius had never met him before. His face looked just like his sisters, but also so very different. More masculine. His jaw was stronger but his eyes were the same. His eyebrows were thicker and his nose sharper, but his mouth the same as it always had been. Sirius took a step closer, despite James' struggle to keep him in place and bended over the smaller boy. 

"You really are her, aren't you?" he whispered. 

"Are you fucking stupid or what? I am not a 'she', I am not 'her'. I never have been" Regulus said. Sirius couldn't help but grin just a bit. This was definitely his sister. Or, brother. 

"How long have you been here? How are you here? Does mother know? Were you ever going to tell me? Why did you pick that name?" Sirius let all their questions out in one go, but James placed his hand on their shoulder. 

"This is not why we are here, mr Black" the old lady said. Sirius pressed his lips together and nodded. Full of disbelief he stared at the younger boy. When he woke up this morning, he would have never thought they would see their sibling he had not seen in almost six years again. He wasn't sure if he should be angry or happy or shocked or scared. If Sirius had to be completely honest, they had never thought they'd see his sister ever again. He had spent years feeling guilty for leaving her behind, in that house, with their mother, but she got out. She fucking did it. And yet, Sirius would in fact never see their sister ever again. His sister was no more, never had been. This was his little brother. Their brother was here. At school. Alive and free. McGonagall started talking again, but Sirius could hardly focus on her words. His head was spinning with thoughts and questions. 

"Are you even listening to what she's saying?" James whispered in his ear. Sirius got dragged back to earth by this, but only for a moment. They had remembered James and Remus were there, in the room, as well, and they did not seem shocked by anything the head mistress had told them. A sense of betrayal crept upon him. Had they known? For how long? Was this what James had been hiding and lying about? Had they known it was his brother at the club? He had the feeling he was about to pass out and clung to the table, knuckles turning white at the force of his grip. They tried to fight it, they really did. Sirius did their absolute best to listen to professor McGonagall, but he couldn't. The room started spinning and they felt their legs give in.  They had meant to stay up right, just take a few breaths, in and out, in and out, but it wasn't working. Sirius' head hit the table with a loud bang. 

•••

Regulus looked at the lifeless body of his brother next to him. He blinked a few times, slowly before getting up from his chair and walking over to him. Regulus knew Sirius could be dramatic, but this dramatic? Jesus Christ, this even went beyond him. Of course it felt to Regulus like Sirius was once again making this situation about himself, he had not even been listening to the reason why Regulus had to turn himself in to Sirius. Regulus was convinced Sirius had not caught the part where Walburga was looking for Regulus. Actively looking, as in, finally declare him as missing. He is not sure why the school had to contact his emergency person for this and he is also not sure why he thought it'd be a good idea to put his brother as his emergency contact, but Regulus had done it himself nevertheless. And now his drama queen of a brother was lying face first on the big wooden table in front of him. James stared at him with panic in his eyes and Remus was walking circles in the room, but Regulus suspected that was more so due to Walburga being borderline insane and not so much Sirius passing out. Professor McGonagall was on the phone with the campus hospital, all and everything about her seemed to be very calm, no sense of panic whatsoever. This was probably not the first time something like this happened. It took Sirius a good five minutes to regain his consciousness and he looked around the room bewildered, as if trying to remember where exactly he was. He looked up at Regulus who let out a breath of relief and walked back to his seat. James offered Sirius a glass of water and McGonagall waited on them patiently. Of course Regulus had known that this might not have been the best way to tell his brother he had been at school all along and oh! surprise, he was a boy now, but the situation forced him to and Sirius was handling it better than expected. 

"Have you heard anything I've said earlier?" the headmistress asked and Sirius shook his head, visibly ashamed. Regulus sighed at this, he had absolutely not missed this about Sirius. McGonagall opened her mouth to repeat herself, but Regulus was quicker. 

"Mother is on the loose. Found out I ran away to here and all" he summarized. Sirius blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what was just said. 

"You ran away?" he asked. Regulus rolled his eyes. 

"Learned it from you" he said. 

"I thought you made sure not to leave any traces at all?" Remus asked. Regulus turned to him. 

"I thought so too, I bet Narcissa and Lucius are behind this, evil snakes" he said. Remus narrowed his eyes at the thought of the Malfoys. He did not agree with Regulus still keeping Narcissa as his coach, but what other option did he have? 

"I'm sorry, but what does any of this have to do with me?" Sirius cut in and then pointed to James. 

"And why is he here?" James quickly raised his hands. 

"I eh, someone needed to contact you" he quickly defended himself, shooting Regulus a look. James had been with him when he got the call from McGonagall that his mother had contacted him and threatened to take him away, but James hanging out with Regulus would probably not go over with Sirius well. 

"And we need you to make sure Mrs Black can't get to your brother" the headmistress said. Sirius frowned. 

"What do you expect me to do? She is not going to listen to me and isn't he twenty? She doesn't have any legal rights over him anymore" Sirius said. 

"Do you think legality matters too Walburga?" James scoffed. Sirius looked down at the table, fidgeting with his hands. 

"We are not asking you to see her, Mr Black. We just need you to keep an eye on your brother and contact us immediately if anything is wrong, alright?" the old lady said. Regulus cringed at her words, he did not want Sirius to babysit him. Sirius was clearly thinking the same because he violently shook his head. 

"I don't want him back into my life" he said. McGonagall frowned, looking at him over her glasses. 

"It is not a request, it is a demand" she said and with that the conversation was over. She opened the door for them and motioned for them to leave. Sirius managed to keep his mouth shut until they were back on their part of the campus, away from the teachers offices, out of reach from most people. 

"Don't think I will forgive any of you for keeping this from me" he hissed at Regulus, James and Remus. Regulus just shrugged, he didn't really mind what Sirius thought. It was not like he had been hoping to get his brother back, he was here for himself. Remus looked a bit hurt, but Regulus knew he understood where Sirius was coming from. James, however, took it a lot less well. Regulus couldn't blame him, they were best friends for forever. 

"I didn't mean to" James whined, but Sirius absolutely lost it. Before anyone knew what was happening, Sirius had hit James in the face, who let out a whiney scream, clenching his left hand to his jaw, using the other to defend himself from Sirius, who was having a go at him. Remus tried to grab him, but Sirius shrugged him off. 

"Stay away from me, traitor" he hissed. Regulus almost wanted to laugh, it was truly pathetic how Sirius was taking this, but he felt bad for James. Why was he feeling bad for James? His thoughts weren't adding up, but still, he wrapped his arms around James from behind and managed to drag him away from Sirius. He had not been defending himself well and had just let Sirius do to him whatever he wanted. He was visibly in pain and his face was already turning blue. Regulus let go of James and walked up to Sirius, grabbing him by his collar and shoving him against the wall. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Leave James out of this. He wasn't even supposed to know, it was an accident" Regulus spat in Sirius' face. He wasn't sure why he was defending James like this, but it felt like the right thing to do. 

"Why are you even here, Regulus" Sirius said his name as if it was poop stuck to the bottom of his shoe. 

"The same reason you are here, you asshole. It's a good school and I am passionate about my sport. Why else would I be" Regulus replied. 

"You're just out to ruin my life, because you think I ruined yours" Sirius screamed. Regulus let out a high pitched laugh. 

"You egocentrical bitch, not everything is alway about you. I could have showed up to your dorm the moment I got here, if I really wanted to ruin your life, but I didn't, did I?" he said. 

"You're friends with Remus" Sirius said. Regulus laughed again.

"You really think that is because I am out to ruin you? We have been friends for fucking years, Sirius. And sure, I have thought about ways to make your and James' life a living hell and sure, maybe I was working on it, but this was not part of the fucking plan, a plan I dropped weeks ago, by the way" Regulus said. Sirius narrowed his eyes and stared at him. Regulus finally let go of his collar and Sirius quickly scrambled back to his feet. 

"I'll come back on this" Sirius said to Remus, anger still flaring in his eyes. He ignored James completely which, Regulus guesses, was better than beating him up and he didn't dare to look at Regulus. They all watched him leave, walking away from the dorms. 

"I'll send Lily after him" James sighed as he got out his phone. Regulus head stopped working for a split second. He had completely forgotten about Lily, he had been so busy with practically obsessing over James, he had forgotten James wasn't doing the same. And it was not that Regulus was into James or what ever, but it still hurt him. Why was he like this again? 

"Well, that sure was something" Remus exhaled. Regulus nodded, he felt guilty for probably ruining Remus' chances with Sirius.

"What are you going to do about your mom?" Remus asked. Regulus could do nothing more than shrug. He had absolutely no idea, but legally she could not do much, so it would probably be fine. From the corner of his eye, Regulus saw James leaving, but he didn't have the energy to say anything, and James probably didn't either. Remus excused himself and went outside and Regulus slowly started heading back to his dorm. 

It wasn't all that late, but he did skip dinner and did nothing but laying in his bed for the rest of the day, mindlessly scrolling through social media. His heart jumped at every notification, waiting for James to text him about either the rink or the gym, but the text did not come. Not that night, nor the night after. The text did not come for the next week and Regulus was too scared to text him first. He did not see James in the creative writing course and he did not see him during dinner. He tried asking Lily what was wrong, but she kindly told him to fuck off. Regulus knew James was mad at him by that point, but he had no idea why and it was driving him insane. He was too proud to text first, though and so the entire rest of the week was complete radio silence. Regulus did not leave his room except to follow his classes, too scared of his mother showing up. He even contemplated cancelling out of the competition that weekend, but Remus managed to talk him out of that. Though he could feel Remus crumbling under the illness of his mother, the fact Sirius would not talk to him and Regulus' problems, he still offered to come with, an offer Regulus gratefully accepted. He had also not seen Sirius all week, which he wasn't sure was a good or a bad thing. Not running into each other would at least prevent more fighting, but the silence also scared Regulus, it was all too familiar. By the time Friday rolled around, Regulus was more tired than ever. He even skipped out on his morning practice, something he rarely ever did, he believed it to cause failure. Towards the afternoon Remus barged into their room and grabbed Regulus by his shoulder. 

"You can't just lie here all day" he said and started dragging him out of bed. 

"It's my free day" Regulus murmured, but it was use, he knew this. 

"This isn't like you, Reg" Remus sighed.

"I'm a changed man, Remus" Regulus replied weakly, but his upper body was already off the bed, floating somewhere between the ground and Remus' arms. Regulus carefully crawled his legs out of the bed and softly fell down to the floor, causing Remus to let go of him. 

"What is it? Is it your mom? Is it your brother? Is it James?" Remus asked. 

"All of it" Regulus murmured without thinking. 

"Ha" Remus snorted and Regulus' head shot up.

"I knew James had something to do with this" Remus said. Regulus frowned and shook his head.

"I have no idea what you're talking about" he denied. 

"You don't hate him anymore, both are unreachable for hours not once, but three times last week, I get back to school for you and who's there with you? James mother fucking Potter. And I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I'm just saying it is remarkable, since I remember you saying you wanted to ruin his life just a month ago" Remus summed up. Regulus almost jumped into the air when the revelation hit him. 

"That's it" he yelled and within seconds he was dressed and ready to leave. Remus stared at him, mouth wide open. 

"What is up with you?" he asked full of disbelief. 

"I'll explain it later. Probably. Maybe" Regulus said, and with that he left. He had to find James, fast. He avoided running in the public spaces, not wanting to look like an idiot, but when he was alone in the empty corridors, he sprinted as fast as he could. It did not take him long to get to the sport complex, but unfortunately he did not find James there. He did find Marlene, who informed him James was still in class. Regulus cussed himself out for not thinking about this and was just on his way back to his room, ready to face Remus and tell him this embarrassing story, when he ran into Lily.

"Evans, hi" Regulus gasped. Lily looked him up and down, clearly not pleased to see him, probably on James' behalf. 

"Black" she replied. 

"Evans, Lily, can you please tell James I was looking for him? I need- It's very important" Regulus said, nervously playing with one of his rings. 

"He doesn't want to talk to you" she said. 

"I know, trust me, I understand. I need to apologize, I made a stupid mistake, I know" Regulus spilled out. Lily frowned. 

"Why would you even care about making up with him?" she said, eyes narrowed. 

"Like I said Lily, I made a stupid mistake" Regulus replied, slowly growing more and more nervous. 

"I thought you hated him?" Lily pushed. 

"God, so did I. Turns out I don't alright?" Regulus said, a bit irritated now. Why wouldn't she just accept that he made a mistake? His brain worked over hours trying to come up with something to use against her, that usually worked. 

"This is my James we're talking about, alright?" Lily said. Regulus grinned just the tiniest bit, some memories from Lily in passing had just popped up.

"Oh? And what about that girl from my year? The one with the afro and the mad make up skills? Is she also aware that you have 'your James'?" Regulus said. It was a low blow, but who cared? Regulus sure as hell did not. Lily turned bright red and her voice dropped to a whisper. 

"That is totally different. Mary and I are just friends. I'll pass your fucking message on to James, for fucks sake." Regulus leaned back with a satisfied grin. 

"Tell him to meet me at the fountain."

Chapter Text

James did not want to meet Regulus at the fountain. He was still hurt by the things Regulus had said earlier that week and he was not looking forward to this meeting, but Lily had told him it was urgent, she looked rather distressed about something and so he couldn't deny her. He walked across campus as slowly as he could and the moment he saw the back of Regulus' deep black curls, he wanted to turn around and run away, but he didn't. He walked up to the younger boy as if he wasn't terrified of the boy hurting him.

"Black" he said. Regulus turned around, looking very pale.

"James" he said, voice weirdly high pitched, like he was... nervous?

"You came" he said.

"You called" James replied. There was a silence, a short but tense silence.

"I'm so sorry" Regulus said. James frowned, this was not exactly what he was expecting. No idea what he had expected though, it was Regulus Black, you never knew what he would be up to.

"You're sorry?" James repeated.

"For admitting I wanted to ruin your life, I guess" Regulus said. It was one of the weakest apologies James had ever heard, but coming from a Black, this was a lot.

"I mean, I knew but actually hearing you say it? After I had just grown to like you a bit? I don't know, maybe I also overreacted a bit" James said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. He had been overreacting a bit on purpose, not texting Regulus, avoiding him at all costs, it was like they were back to zero again, but James just wanted to know if Regulus would reach out himself, if he had also noticed the shift in their dynamic. They weren't all that hostile with each other anymore and James was happy with that.

"I eh, I don't hate you James" Regulus said, actively avoiding any eye contact. James snorted.

"Who would have ever thought you would say that" James said, completely forgetting about the tension between them just moments earlier, it was like talking to an old friend, someone who had not admitted to wanting to ruin your life just day before. Regulus also laughed.

"Not me. Sixteen year old me would be so disappointed in me" he said, shaking his head.

"I really want to try and be your friend, Regulus, but only if you'll let me, okay? So that includes no more ruining my life, no more accusing me of me 'stealing all your friends' and trust in each other, alright? Can we do that?" James asked. He felt like a child asking someone else on the playground to be his best friend for ever, but he felt like this would be the best way to do it. Regulus looked like he had just proposed to him.

"My god Regulus, I'm not asking you to marry me, unless you want to-"

"No more fucking winking, I told you this before" Regulus cried out.

"Alright, alright, but you're ignoring my question. Can we be friends?" James sighed. Regulus looked at him with his eyes narrow, suspicious if this was all or if there was something deeper lurking underneath the shadows.

"Sure" he said eventually and James' heart made a small jump. He held out his hand for Regulus to shake and before he could retreat, because he realized it was stupid, they were both adults and this was not a business proposal, just a new friendship, Regulus shook it. James stared at their hands for just a moment, trying not to think about how the touch burned on his skin in just the right ways.

"Great" he said with a smile and a nod of his head.

"Great" Regulus repeated, a lot less sure.

"So, friend, want to eh, grab a coffee together? I know just the place" James suggested. Regulus rolled his eyes but complied and James smiled to himself about this little victory. He had grown really fond of the small boy and was glad they were on good terms. He felt the need to know everything about him and spent more time with him than he had so far and so a coffee date seemed perfect. Well, it was not a date of course because, well, James had Lily of course and he was also not romantically nor sexually attracted to his best friends little brother. He just wanted to be friends with the short, mean, extremely talented ice skater who also just happened to be very attractive. Just friends. Focus James, focus.

It was still winter, but it was already noticeable getting warmer outside, so the walk to the town was a lot less unpleasant than it had been the last time James went. His legs was not really agreeing with this much walking, but he didn't care. This was not the time to be a pussy.

The coffee shop was warm and cozy. The place was dimly lit and only a few of the round, wooden tables were taken. James picked a spot at the back of the shop, not too in sight for outsiders, because he had a sense Regulus did not like to be seen.

"Do you want to know a secret" James said, opening the menu. Regulus looked at him, one eyebrow raised.

"I don't really like coffee" James admitted, softly giggling. He saw the corners of Regulus' mouth moving up against his will and James' heart did once again a little happy jump, glad the other boy found him funny. He wasn't sure why he needed Regulus to find him funny, why he needed this validation from him, but he did and it was horrible. Regulus, however, did not seem to have this at all. It seemed like he wanted to unimpress James, make himself seem bland and boring, not a worthy person to be friends with. It wasn't like he was purposefully saying bad things, he just said very little, answering with one worded replies.

"Regulus, if you don't want to be here or if you don't actually want to be friends with me, please, just let me know and I'll stop trying, I'll let you go and you'll never fucking see me again, okay?" James sighed eventually, no longer able to bear the lack of interest of the other boy. Regulus seemed to awake from some kind of trance for a second.

"No I- eh I do want to be friends, I swear, it's just- god I can't explain it. I'm tired, alright? And when I'm tired I get boring" he said, face red.

"I don't think you're boring, I thought you were bored. There's a difference" James said with a small smile.

"I know. Sorry I gave you that impression. I have my competition tomorrow and I'm just very nervous" Regulus said, shaking his head. James nodded.

"Ah yes, I remember you told me last week. Do you have anyone to go with you?" he asked.

"Eh, yes, Remus is coming with me," he said, "But you can come too if you want." James' eyes widened.

"I would love to" he said. Regulus smiled awkwardly.

"I'll text you at what time I'm leaving, yeah?" he said.

"It's a date" James said without thinking. He quickly clasped his hands over his mouth.

"Not like that, of course" he quickly said. Regulus had turned bright red and James knew he himself had as well. He cleared his throat and took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"So do you have a girlfriend?" he asked awkwardly. Regulus burst out laughing.

"My god, James, I think you're the only one at this point who didn't know I am gay. Isn't it obvious?" he said. James laughed a bit unsure. He knew it was stupid to just assume someone's sexuality but it also felt stupid to just assume he was gay just because he looked a bit gay.

"Ah, great. Do you have a boyfriend then?" James corrected himself. He had guessed Regulus was gay, but the conformation was nice. So he did have a- fuck, James, what the fuck? He did not have a chance, he had a girlfriend.

"Nah, no one is really interested at me I guess" Regulus said. James totally missed the provocative tone in his voice.

"That is not true" he spat out. Regulus leaned over the table.

"Oh? Do you know something I don't, Potter?" he grinned. James felt himself turn red again and it was suddenly very warm in the little cafe.

"No eh I eh just, I mean you're cool and not ugly so there must be someone somewhere you know" he stuttered, but Regulus just grinned back at him.

"I'm just playing, James, don't worry. I just don't really care about those sort of things, keep me distracted and stuff" Regulus said, leaning back into his chair. James took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yeah, of course" he murmured. James should not have gotten this worked up over an innocent comment like that, he felt ashamed of himself. He slid down in his chair just the tiniest bit, as if he could escape the situation, but it was no use. Regulus, however, pretended as if it had never happened.

"How are things with you and Lily" he asked. James looked down at the table and swallowed. He wasn't too sure anymore. Sure, he still loved Lily dearly and they had been together for so long now, he could not imagine anything else, but at the same time, Lily seemed distracted lately and so was James himself, clearly. He had, however never spoken these thoughts out loud. He was planning on talking about it with Sirius, obviously leaving out the cause of the distraction from his side, but that was off the table now. It was also unfair to mark Regulus as the distraction, because James didn't really fancy him, just found him attractive and spent a great deal of time in becoming friends with him. Besides, he had been very busy with sport, school and recovering from his accident and so he had not had the chance to spend as much time with his lovely girlfriend as he would want to.

"It's going lovely, thank you" James answered Regulus' question. The younger boy gave him a soft smile, a knowing smile, but James could for the love of god, not figure out what Regulus knew.

"Sirius still won't speak to me, however" James sighed.

"Yeah, my brother has always been quite the drama queen, but I suppose you knew this" Regulus said. James nodded, he could've expected it. He had expected it, to make it even worse. He had expected it and chosen to continue doing what he was doing, hanging out with Regulus. He still was, now, at this moment, but it didn't matter anymore, Sirius was already mad.

•••

Regulus was mad nervous, sitting here, across from James, just chatting. This was the last thing he would have expected when he signed up for this school. He tried to ignore his heart racing at the sight of the boy with the glasses, but he couldn't help it. It had been so long since he had felt like this and he didn't want it. He couldn't use the distraction that was James Potter.

"Hey James, this has been fun, but I should head back, I have things to prepare for tomorrow. Like I said, I'll text you a time and place for tomorrow" Regulus said, standing up. Before James could answer, Regulus was at the counter, paying for their drinks. He felt he needed to get away as fast as possible, feeling very claustrophobic, being this close with James for this long. Not only was he unsure about the friendship deal, it felt like a very bad idea, he was also on edge because he was off school grounds. James ran up behind him, glasses gliding awkwardly of the bridge of his nose.  

"Let me at least walk you back to school" he said, catching his breath and biting the inside of his cheeks to hide the pain his leg was giving him. 

"You shouldn't run with that" Regulus said, pointing at the leg, not looking at James at all, he could not stand to be around his face any longer. Regulus kept walking at the high speed he usually walked in, the gay speed walk, as his friends liked to call it and James and his leg hard a hard time catching up. Regulus should probably feel bad about this, but he really did not. It was nice, walking in front of him, but knowing the older boy was still behind him. He knew James was still following him from the pained groans behind him every now and then. James finally managed to catch up to him when he had to wait for a traffic light. 

"Jesus Christ, why are you running" James asked and Regulus finally dared to look at him again.

"I'm not running" he replied, showing as little emotion as possible. James casually leaned against the pole of the traffic light and looked Regulus up and down. 

"you're trying to get rid of me, that's why" he concluded and, well, he was not really wrong, was he? 

"Maybe" Regulus admitted bitterly. James slightly bit his lip and nodded. 

"Alright, I'll leave you alone then" he said. Regulus felt so conflicted about this. On one hand, yes, he wanted James to be gone, he wanted to be alone and completely close off from the world, like he usually did on the day before a competition, but on the other hand did he want James closer to him. He wanted to exist together, he just wished he would shut up for once and understand why Regulus liked his quiet. But James Potter did not seem like the kind of guy who would just want to exist together and he definitely did not look like someone who would shut up in the near future and so Regulus let James behind. He walked back to campus fast and James did not try to catch up to him. 

Remus was in their room, getting ready for basketball practice, when Regulus came in. 

"Where have you been?" Remus asked, eyebrows raised. 

"You are the one who told me to get out" Regulus sighed, dropping down on his bed. 

"Yeah, not to disappear for the rest of the afternoon" Remus said. 

"I was with James" Regulus admitted and Remus let out a snort. 

"Again? Let me check your temperature, are you sure you're not sick?" Remus joked, but Regulus hid his face in his pillow. 

"I know, don't rub it in. I asked him to come with tomorrow, thought maybe it would grant you a free day" Regulus cried out, which made Remus laugh even louder. 

"There is something so clearly wrong with you" he stated and Regulus looked up.

"I know Remus, I know" he groaned. He watched Remus gather his stuff and shove them into his sports bad, which he flung over one shoulder as he shook his headphones with his other hand, trying to detangle them. He quickly gave up on this, it was only making the case worse, not better and plugged them in while they were still completely knotted. Normally Regulus would have made point out of this, detangled them for him, but he was so mentally and physically drained, all he could do was lay on his bed and look around. Remus greeted him and Regulus watched him till the heavy door of the room fell back into it's lock and he was all alone again. 

•••

Sirius felt terrible, had been for the last week. He couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal from James and Remus, he couldn't wrap his mind around the fact he now had a brother and he was here, at his school. James had tried to make it up with them, multiple times, but Sirius was stubborn. James knew, he fucking knew and didn't say a thing. He knew when Sirius had the panic attack at the club and he knew when he had asked if Sirius had just a sister. And it was not just the fact that he knew, he was actively hanging out with Regulus. The first thing when he was alone had been to google the name and of course it was a star. The brightest star in the Leo constellation, how creative. How had he been able to get out? Sirius couldn't figure it out. They were so deep in their thoughts, they had not noticed the person coming around the corner, also walking full speed and they crashed into each other.

"Sirius" the familiar voice of Remus spoke and Sirius felt all the air being sucked out of his body.

"Remus" he said bitterly.

"Look, I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention" Remus apologised. Sirius looked up at him, he was dressed in his basketball clothes and his hair stuck to his forehead. They tried their best not to be distracted by the way Remus' legs looked in his shorts or how the shirt moved when Remus would make just the tiniest movement. 

"You knew" Sirius hissed. Remus looked at him, totally lost.

"About my brother" Sirius helped him. They did not actually want this conversation right now, but he also missed Remus a bit. His energy, while also making his heart race like crazy, calmed him down in a way, something he definitely did need right now.

"Yes, I knew" he said. Of course he didn't apologise for it, but Sirius had also not expected that.

"We went to high school together, Sirius. I didn't even know what you looked like until I came to school here. He has been my best friend for years" Remus sighed. Sirius nodded, they were not even that angry with Remus, all of it had just been too much all at once, which Sirius thought to be more than fair. You don't find out every day your sister is actually your brother and your best friends knew he was here, at school. 

"I'm sorry" Remus added when Sirius kept quiet.

"No, I'm sorry" Sirius sighed finally, admitting he had been in the wrong for the first time in years. It was something they were too stubborn to do, a terrible habit, of course.

"Did you also tell James this?" Remus asked, but Sirius shook their head violently. 

"I won't apologize to him. James should have told me" Sirius said, crossing their arms like a child. 

"He didn't tell you for Regulus' safety, and probably also his own, you know how Regulus gets when he wants something from someone, I bet he threatened to, I don't know, murder all his loved ones if he told you anything" Remus said. What about my safety? Sirius thought selfishly, and suppressed a laugh after that at the image of the fragile little Regulus threatening the big, buff James. He was still not going to apologize, though. James was clearly in the wrong here. 

"Hey, I'm headed back to my dorm, get where you're going safely" Remus said and Sirius was reminded where he was headed. The skates in his bag were burning to be used. They said their goodbyes with an awkward hug, unsure what was appropriate to do, still unsure about what they were to each other. Sirius' heart raced at their touch and watched Remus as he walked down the hall before continuing his way to the ice hall. They were glad to find it empty, which wasn't weird, because they had booked off the rink, but sometimes people would take each others spots if someone wouldn't show up. Sirius got his skates from his bag as if they were his babies, and, to be fair, these skates were his babies. They had not brought their hockey skates, they would have been a lot less careful with those. Sirius had decided it would be time to try and do some figure skating again. Though he had let go of their childhood dream to go pro at figure skating, a dream that had partially been his mom and so something he would revolt against. It had taken him years to even find the strength in themselves to buy the skates and even now they barely ever used them. Figure skating made them feel like they would turn around and their mom would be standing there, ready to compare him to Regulus, ready to punish them for everything they did wrong. Every little misstep in the routine would lead to even stricter training schedules and more severe punishments. Every diet they had gone through to stay as skinny and elegant as possible, every beating they had to sit through for asking when the training would be over, every hour spent locked in their room because they did not end up winning a competition. But at the same time did figure skating feel so freeing. Giving in to the music, the fluid movements, the falling and the getting up again, the jumps, the turns, the grace. Everything about figure skating was perfect. It was even more freeing now that he got to pick his own music and there was no pressure of an upcoming competition behind it and he finally managed to let go of the little voice that was his mother in the back of his head. He could ignore her and skate freely, until he noticed someone in the bleachers. 

"Good to see you have not lost it" the boy with the black curls said. 

"What are you doing here? I booked the rink to myself?" Sirius asked angrily. Regulus grinned and shrugged. 

"I'm not skating, am I? Just watching. The door was open and I heard music, so I just peeped in" the small boy said. 

"You don't have the right to just come and invade my life" Sirius hissed and Regulus stayed at safe distance. 

"I know, but I like to pretend I do" he said, still grinning. Oh, how Sirius would like to wipe that stupid little grin off his stupid little face. 

"Are you out to ruin my life?" Sirius asked. 

"You ruined mine" Regulus replied. 

"I wanted to come back for you" Sirius admitted. 

"I wouldn't have gone with you, I was way too scared" Regulus also admitted. Sirius had suddenly lost all interest in skating. He was nauseous and wanted to go home, to his dorm. He was not ready to have this conversation with his brother yet, this would come later, when they had gotten used to the fact his brother, who he had not seen in about six years, was here, at the same school, right within reach. He stumbled to the side and got his skates off while Regulus was watching him from above. 

"We'll do the whole brother bonding another time. You win. You can have the rink" Sirius hissed at him as he got up and left. Their plan was just to leave and go home, but he was greeted by Lily, who looked distressed and like she had been crying and Sirius could not just leave here there. 

"Siri, I have been looking for you" she sniffled, eyes puffy and face red. Sirius pulled her into a hug, at which he noticeably relaxed a bit. 

"What's up Lils, you look terrible" Sirius tutted, which made Lily break down almost immediately again. Sirius rubbed her back and walked her back to campus, it was way too cold to do any of this outside. Lily led them to her dorm, which she had all too herself now that Marlene had left the dorms to live with her girlfriend in an apartment just off campus. 

"What is it?" Sirius asked again as they got comfortable on the couch in her room. Lily dropped her head on Sirius' shoulder and Sirius started to panic a bit, she was so incredibly down and they were not sure if they would be of any help right now. 

"I lohove Jamie an-and I don't want to, to h-urt him but" Lily couldn't finish her sentence, she was sobbing too loudly, but Sirius could fill in the gaps himself. 

"But there is someone else, isn't there?" he sighed and Lily started crying even louder. Sirius had a gut feeling who this was about, the first year Lily had been spending an awful lot of time with lately. He understood, she was very pretty and seemed like someone Lily would like, based on the very few conversations they had shared. 

"I know you and James are not speaking right now because of your stupid brohother, but you can see how much this would hurt him, right?" Lily continued. Sirius bit their lip, they definitely understood, James was head over heels with Lily. 

"I'm not even sure if-" Lily swallowed, "if I was ever truly in love with James, at least not in a romantic way. Sirius, I think I'm a lesbian." Sirius felt Lily's pain of finally realizing and coming to terms with your sexuality, something she was clearly struggling very much with. Sirius stroked the top of her head. 

"It's okay, Lils. He will understand, you just have to promise me not to procrastinate it too much, alright? Don't lead him on any longer than needed" Sirius advised. Lily nodded, she had obviously already come to this conclusion herself, but what else did they have to say? The situation was just shitty and stupid and unfair to the both of them and Sirius' heart ached for them. He needed to make up with James before he got his heart shattered. 

Chapter Text

James woke up with his hand clamped around his phone, just like he had fallen asleep after receiving Regulus' text about a time and place and setting his alarm. Yesterday had been terribly weird. He felt like he had actually made some good progress with befriending Regulus and Sirius had come to him to apologize. Well, it was not a real apology, but for Sirius, it was more than James could ever have expected from him. Rushed by nerves and the ticking of the clock, the urge to finally be one time for once, he got dressed. Time for breakfast he didn't have, but it was fine. He'd pick up something later on the day, he wouldn't have to move much anyways. James grabbed his phone and wallet and shot into his jacket and with that he was on his way to the parkingklot behind the school, where Regulus stood waiting on him, leaning against his shiny black car. Of course he had a Black car, James laughed to himself. Remus wasn't there yet and James smiled as he walked up to Regulus. 

"Nervous?" he asked. The other boy gave him a grumpy look. 

"Never" he replied, but his voice was shaking and so were his hands. James silently wondered if he would be able to drive like that, but he didn't ask, it probably would not go over well and the last thing Regulus needed right now was any more stress. The smaller boy opened the door to his car and got in behind the steering wheel and motioned for James to take place in the passenger seat. 

"Oh, is Remus not coming?" James asked, slightly confused. Regulus looked him straight in the eye. 

"Nope, just you and me, Babey" he said. James knew he had not meant it like that, but it still gave his heart a little squeeze. He buckled his safety belt and watched Regulus' graceful hands do their thing. With a soft roar the car came to life and Regulus pulled out of the parking lot. 

"Have you eaten?" Regulus asked, not taking his eyes off the road. 

"Nope" James said honestly and when he said it he felt his stomach grumble. Regulus sighed and pulled the car onto the Starbucks drive through on the side of the road. 

"Coffee?" he asked, looking at James. 

"A cappuccino, please" James replied. He wasn't the biggest fan of coffee, but he was also very tired. Not that caffeine actually did much for him, it didn't wake him up, at least. Just made him a tad bit more focussed, which also wouldn't hurt today. Regulus called their order into the little speaker and drove to the next window. It was early, so it wasn't busy at all and their order was done in no time. James greedily sunk his teeth into the tuna sandwich while he promised he would pay for food and drinks next time. Regulus just hummed a reply, with which James couldn't do much. The younger boy sipped his coffee while keeping focussed on the road. He stared explaining how they would be very early, but the skaters needed time to do their warming up and Regulus had to meet with his coach, who was also his cousin? 

"I think it's better if you stay away from her as far as possible" Regulus advised him. James asked him why, his mouth full with sandwich, but to that, Regulus did not answer. It did all become clear to James when they got out of the car and the cousin, Narcissa, stood there, waiting for them. She walked over to Regulus and James sort of expected her to hug him, but she didn't. She give him a little nod of her head and then turned to James. Her icey gaze looking him up and down and a vague memory of her and Sirius running into each other sometime, long ago, crept to the front of his mind. 

"So you are little Reggies new boyfriend?" Narcissa asked, eyebrows raised. James felt the heat rise to his cheeks. 

"No I'm just a friend" he stuttered. Narcissa laughed. 

"Sure" she said. Her hand reached out to touch James' cheek and her long fingers closed around his face. 

"I know you from somewhere. Aren't you that Potter boy?" she sneered. She did no longer look interested in him, he was now a piece of trash to her. She turned back to Regulus. 

"Did you also run off with the Potters? I expected better from you" she yawned. Regulus rolled his eyes. 

"I do not live with the Potters, I am not like him" he said and James knew immediately who they were talking about. Sirius. James wanted to defend Sirius, but Regulus gave him a little shove which made him keep his mouth shut. 

"Get your stuff, I'll see you inside" Narcissa said before turning away and entering the gigantic ice hall before them. 

"I'm so sorry" Regulus apologized but James shrugged it off. 

"I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like her on a regular basis" he cringed. Regulus shrugged.

"She's one of the more bearable ones, to be honest" he laughed. James cringed at the thought of what he knew about the Black family, it was nothing good. He shook it off and followed Regulus inside. The boy showed him where he could find a seat. The stadium was still almost empty so James had more than enough choice and he found a nice spot close to the ice where he could see the other skaters warming up and getting ready. A few skaters came up to Regulus and Regulus seemed to know them, but ignored them mostly. James' breath stalked in his throat when Regulus' costume. He was dressed completely in black, but sparkly stones were sewn all over the fabrics. The fabric sat tightly against his skin and James watched in awe as Regulus put on sweatpants over it to keep himself warm. They made brief eye contact before Regulus looked away, looking vaguely ashamed. James gave him a thumbs up but Regulus didn't move a muscle. He focused on what Narcissa was telling him and lightly frowned. James watched the skaters do their warming up, his arms and chin resting on the railing in front of him. Oh how he missed being on the ice, his body was physically craving for it. Though, James was sure he didn't look as graceful as all these people. All of them looked like they were flying like graceful swans, but no one stood out to him as much as Regulus. He almost couldn't take his eyes of the short boy with the curly hair in his tight, sparkly costume, he was entranced by him. Narcissa watched him from the side, arms crossed and a bored look on her fave, like she wasn't impressed at all. James thought this was unfair, even though he was only warming up. Part of him itched to get up and walk over to Narcissa to yell at her and ask why she couldn't see how great Regulus was, but he did not let his intrusive thoughts win. A voice sounded through the speakers, telling all skaters to get ready, the competition would start in half an hour and James finally looked around him. The tribune had been filled up a lot more now, most of the seats were taken and James was very glad he got here in time to claim a good spot. He wasn't sure how many skaters would be skating today, but he supposed they'd be here for a while. His leg was getting stiff, and his fingers a bit cold, but he wasn't about to give his seat away. From where he sat he couldn't see Regulus anymore, but he did have great sight of the table where the judges would be. He spent some time on his phone, ignoring Sirius' message asking where he had gone off to, playing some stupid game, until the voice in the speakers made an announcement again, they were about to start. The music started and the first skater performed his routine. He wore a deep red suit and James thought he did great, but he had no clue about figure skating, so he had no idea if he did actually do good at all. Though the cleanness and the precision were not really his scene, James felt intoxicated by the music and the costumes and the way the skaters moved. It was like watching a ballet, but even more impressive. James bit his lip and leaned a bit more over the railing the moment Regulus' name was called.

•••

Regulus swallowed hard, it was now or never. His first competition back, the first one he would skate as a man. He had already so much backlash from being a trans person performing sports with the gender they identified with instead of the one they were born as, he had to prove himself now. Narcissa's voice was in the back of his head, joined by his mother, both of them yelling how disappointed they'll be if he loses and he knows, he knows they'll be disappointed. He would be disappointed in himself if he'd lose, but he didn't come here to lose, he was here to fucking win. Especially now that James was watching him, he needed to perform his best. He tried his best now to look in James' direction as he enters the ice, though he can feel the boys eyes burning on him. Narcissa had explicitly told him not to look at James and Regulus silently agreed. Looking at James would be too much of a distraction and would only lead to a bad performance. It was a bad idea, taking James here, with him, but Regulus had also wanted to share a piece of his life with the boy. Okay, focus. The music started and Regulus greeted the judges. He closed his eyes for just a second, feeling the ice under his skates, adjusting to the smoothness and then took off. He made some speed, skating a round around the rink, making sure everyone's eyes were on him, trying to ignore the way the fabric of his extremely uncomfortable costume scratched against his skin. Not important. Do the routine right, no mistakes allowed. Spin. Jump. Land. Breathe. Jump. Turn. Breathe. Look up, smile. Speed up. Jump. Twist. Land. Another turn. Surroundings flashed past Regulus' eyes and everything around him was a blur. Regulus solely focused on the routine and let the music guide him. He felt the rush of the nerves combined with the bass of the music in his veins and his body was like a marionette to his brain, doing everything exactly as he wanted. The music stopped and so did Regulus. He purposefully did not look at the judged, not really. He looked their way to greet them, but he didn't really see them, their faces were blurry and he ignored the points that flashed up on the screen. He left the ice and finally dared to look in James' direction. From where he was sitting, James could not see him, but Regulus saw him perfectly clear. He was hanging over the railing, staring down at the ice as if he were in a trance and Regulus softly smiled to himself at the effect he had had on James. It felt good knowing he had impressed the other boy, especially like he felt he had to, after how impressed he had been with seeing James play the day of his accident. Narcissa sat down next to Regulus, clearing her throat. 

"Well done" she said stiffly and Regulus gave her a small nod in return.

"You should really work on your Axel" she said. Regulus resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her and nodded.

"Noted" he said, unscrewing the cap from his water bottle before taking a big sip. He hadn't noticed how dry his throat had gone until the cold water hit his mouth. Regulus fidgeted with his hands while he half heartedly watched the last few skaters. One of them fell while landing his Axel and while Regulus still cringed for him, he knew how embarrassing that was, he also felt better about himself, because he had made little to no mistakes, and this just meant one opponent down. There was a long break before they would announce the final winner and Regulus was dying to get to James, but Narcissa wouldn't let him. She was already planning his next routine and the next championship he would attend. Regulus nodded at the things she said, but his heart wasn't in it. He just wanted to know whether he had won or not. He had deliberately not looked at his points the moment they came out, he never did, but now he was starting to regret that decision. He knew he had done well, multiple people came up to him to congratulate him, but this only made him more nervous. 

And the , finally, after waiting and waiting, a lot of water and an incredibly unpractical toilet visit later, it was finally time. Regulus was zipped up in his tracksuit, the zip up sweater of which also had his name printed on it, feet on the bench he was sitting on, arms clutched around his knees, trying to catch glimpses of James as subtly as possible. One of the commentators had come down, standing in front of the little stair-like podium. Third place had gone to Duncan Ashe, the first skater. Silver for Chris King. Regulus nervously bit his nails. Gold for Regulus Black. Regulus tried his best to stay calm and not jump up, he knew there would be cameras on him right now. He slowly and gracefully stood up, a smile plastered to his face. He knew Narcissa was behind him, smiling and waving as if they were great friends. Regulus joined the other two boys at the podium and bowed his head to receive his medal. He held it up and quickly found James in the crowd. He was jumping up and down, throwing thumbs up. His phone was in his hand and he was no doubt texting Remus. A feeling of pride and joy filled Regulus. Not only had he won, he now had people who actually cared if he won. Winning this meant he would be able to qualify for nationals, Regulus realised. He gave a quick, short interview for one of the cameras and was then helped from the platform back onto steady ground by an assistant. Multiple cameras were in his face, local news covering local sports, the live stream for people who liked minor league sports and all that. But Regulus wasn't interested in any of that. He joined Narcissa at their bench and started gathering his stuff. 

"Your boyfriend will be waiting outside for you" she sneered. 

"Weird way of congratulating me with my win, and once again, not my boyfriend" Regulus said. He was admittedly in a bit of a high from winning, but could you blame him? His first competition back and first thing he did was win. 

"He looks at you like he wishes he were your boyfriend" Narcissa scoffed. Regulus snapped his head at her.

"What do you mean?" he asked, and suddenly he felt like a small child again, asking his brother to explain something simple to him again. Narcissa shrugged.

"Just watch out with these Potters. You know what happened with your brother" she said and Regulus' entire mood dropped at the thought of Sirius. He aggressively swung his bag over his shoulder and stormed off after mumbling some sort of goodbye. 

Regulus found James waiting on him in the parking lot, his face beaming with pride. James ran up to him and lifted him off his feet in excitement. Regulus wasn't big on hugs, but this did not feel like the time to tell James that. 

"You won, you actually won" James cried out, his arms still wrapped tightly around Regulus, who was trying to ignore the feeling it gave him. 

"I know" Regulus laughed, also still full of disbelief.

"My god, you were amazing, it was like you were flying!" James rambled, his hands now on Regulus' shoulders, slightly shaking him. 

"James, please let go of me" Regulus said, his eyes fixated on James' face. His glasses sat crooked on hid nose and his hair was messy. For just a second Regulus allowed himself to look at his lips before quickly snapping his gaze back to James' hazel eyes. 

"Right, eh, of course, sorry." James quickly removed his hands and awkwardly dropped them next to his body, not sure what to do with them now. 

"I knew you were going to win, obviously, you were so much better than everyone else" James declared which made Regulus laugh. 

"I only won by half a point" he said. James frowned at this. 

"They must have made a typing error" he said, nodding at this thought. Regulus let out a small giggle and tried his hardest to resist the urge to kiss James right there and then. He was still not sure where this feeling had come from and he wasn't sure if he liked it. Regulus was about to get in his car but James held him back. 

"Let me drive, you're tired" he said. Regulus hesitated, jumping from one foot to the other. He had never let anyone drive his car, it was his and his alone. But this was James and Regulus was indeed tired so what could it hurt, right, He dropped his hand from the door and walked over to the other side of the car. James looked at the car like a kid with a shiny new toy.

"Do you even have a drivers license?" Regulus asked and James proudly showed him the little cart. 

"I just barely ever drive" he said. Well, that was comforting. Regulus clamped onto the side of the car as James drove back to college. It was an hour long drive and while every now and then shooting glances at James, Regulus kept his focus on the road.

"Wait, James, this is not the way back to campus" Regulus yelled when they took a turn he did not recognise. 

"Calm down darling" James said. The words hung in the air for a few seconds before James aggressively hit the breaks.

"Fuck, James, you can't just stop here" Regulus yelled which made James smile. 

"Yes I can, I'm literally in a parking spot" he said. He turned off the car and then turned to Regulus.

"I didn't mean to call you darling, of course. Just a habit, I'm sorry, don't start thinking anything of it please. It just slipped" he explained and Regulus nodded. But he was thinking. He was thinking about how he thought he hated pet names but James accidentally calling him darling felt so very comforting and he wished he'd do it again. He didn't say this out loud, for obvious reasons and instead got out of the car. 

"What were we doing here again?" Regulus grumbled in his usual annoyed demeanour, trying to put the distance between him and James again. 

"Dinner" James said and led Regulus through the streets until he found the place he was looking for. 

"Pizza? Really?" Regulus sighed but James nodded at him enthusiastically.

"I asked Remus if there was any food you do like, and he said pizza was fine most days so" he explained proudly. Fuck, he was making it so hard not to like him. 

"Sure" Regulus said and followed James inside. The place was almost empty and looked a bit shady, but at least there weren't any screaming babies or loud teens around. Their waiter was a lanky man with bright red hair and Regulus was sure he had seen him before, he just couldn't for the life of him remember where or when. The pizza was just fine, but it could also be Regulus was just not having a pizza day. Too much grease. His diet coke was also just fine and Regulus absentmindedly sipped from it as he listened to James talking about some kind of assignment he had to hand in soon. It was great James talked this much, it meant Regulus could keep quiet and just nod occasionally. It gave him a little room to think about the competition and how it went. The high of his win was slowly dipping and before he knew it, Regulus was pointing out his own flaws again. Maybe Narcissa was getting to his head, but as he mentally looked back at his routine, he noticed how boring it really was. He'd have to watch his performance back when he got back to his dorm and pay attention to little mistakes, which he definitely made, otherwise his points would have been higher. 

"Is something wrong?" James' voice cut through Regulus' thoughts. He had been plucking at his paper napkin for the past five minutes. 

"No, I'm fine" Regulus sneered, keeping his guard up as high as possible. The last thing he needed right now was James' pity. 

"If you say so" the boy sighed, but he kept looking at Regulus. 

"Can we go home?" Regulus asked and James agreed. He got up to pay before Regulus could even think and came back with the receipt and two mint candies. He gave one to Regulus who slipped it into his coat pocket to save it for later. James immediately popped the thing into his mouth and swished it around like a child. 

"I'll drive myself" Regulus said.

"Am I not good enough?" James pouted. 

"No" Regulus said and James' face fell, but Regulus was not about to apologise. He was tired and it was his car, end of discussion. The last but of the ride home was quiet. It was clear James was not sure what to say and Regulus had nothing to talk about. It was already dark when they pulled up onto the campus and James let out a big yawn. 

"Thanks for being here today" Regulus mumbled, so soft he wondered if James had heard it at all. James opened his arms for another hug, but Regulus shook his head. James dropped his arms next to his body and nodded.

"Alright. I'll see you in class on Monday" he mumbled.

"Bye" Regulus said and with that he turned around and walked away from James. Today had been quite a day and he needed to clear his mind.

•••

James entered his room still filled with positive energy from Regulus' win. He practically skipped inside and came to a halt when he found Lily on his bed, not looking the best. He sat down next to her with a frown. 

"Hi baby, is there something wrong?" he asked kindly and she dropped her head on his shoulder. His shirt slowly got drenched by her tears, big and warm. He wrapped his arms around her in order to calm her down, but she shook him off. 

"Did I do something wrong?" James asked unsure, but Lily shook her head. 

"It's my fault, James" she whispered. James lifted her head of his shoulder and made her look at him. 

"Take a deep breath, and now, tell me, what is your fault" he said. Lily took a very deep breath, James could hear her breath shaking and stalking in her throat and then slowly started speaking.

"I, we, are not working" she said. James tried to let her words penetrate his brain, but it was as if it had put up a defense mechanism for itself.

"What do you mean?" James asked. Lily looked at him with so much pity in her eyes. 

"I think I'm a lesbian, James. We should break up, we won't work" she said. Slowly but surely her words started making sense. They were over. There would be no more James and Lily, no more boyfriend and girlfriend. James slowly felt his heart shatter into pieces. 

"Are you sure you're not bisexual, like I am?" he asked, desperately trying to cling onto a piece of his heart, but it was no use and just unfair against Lily. 

"I'm sure, James" she said. 

"There is someone else, right?" he asked. Lily looked down and smiled a bit through her tears. 

"There is, yes" she admitted. James nodded. 

"It't Mary, isn't it?" he asked. Lily burst out in tears again.

"I'm so sorry" she sobbed but James just held her tight. 

"It is not really something you can do anything about" he said. Lily nodded and wiped a few tears away with her sleeve. James tried to stay strong, tried to be there for Lily, but it was like he was beaten up from the inside. He had been in love with Lily for so long and in his mind they were perfect together.

"I-I think I have know  for a while but I was so scared James, but I just can't do this any longer" Lily sniffed. James fidgeted with his hands. 

"Okay" he just said. He wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to claw his eyes out, but he did none of these things. He remained calm and looked at Lily.

"I need you to leave" he said. 

"James-" Lily tried, but James could not have it any longer.

"Please, I need to be alone. We'll talk later" James said. Lily finally got up and James led her to the door. 

"Don't do stupid things. We'll talk later" James said. He was feeling a bit lightheaded at this point, trying his best to ignore the feeling until Lily was gone. The door fell into the lock behind her and James finally let himself collapse on his bed, tears streaming down his face. Everything he had been holding onto had just been flushed down the drain, cracked into a thousand pieces. He almost smashed his phone against the wall when a notification popped up, but instead he decided to call his mom, the only person he could bare to stand right now. The phone rang a few times and James was so relieved to hear her voice when she picked up. 

"James, darling, is everything alright?" she asked. James couldn't answer, he was sobbing too loudly for the first five minutes. 

"It's okay Jamie" his mothers soft voice said. 

"Lily" James' voice cracked, "we- we're not together anymore." It was silent on the other side of the line for a moment. James knew Effie was now telling Monty.

"I'm sorry darling" she said. 

"Do you need us to come over tomorrow?" his fathers voice sounded in the background.

"No I'll be fine. Just needed to hear your voice" James lied. He didn't want his parents to see him like this, even though it wouldn't be the first time. He didn't want them to worry. 

"Okay darling, get some sleep, okay?" his mother said. 

"Yes mom. I love you" James said and sighed as his parents hung up the phone. He fell asleep almost immediately after.

Chapter Text

There was a knock on Regulus and Remus' dorm door. Remus jumped up with a mischievous grin.

"I'll get it" he sang and Regulus raised his eyebrows. The door opened and familiar voices sounded. Soon enough their tiny dorm was filled with the two living there, Barty, Evan and for some reason also Pandora. Regulus wouldn't say he was that close with her and as far as he knew his friends didn't know her, but he turned out to be wrong. Apparently Barty and Evan had befriended her at some sort of frat party. Regulus didn't even know they had those here. Remus was still grinning, it was obvious he had been the one to set this all up. 

"You may be wondering, why am I blessed with Rosiers and Crouch's presence this evening" Evan said. 

"Hey, what about me?" Pandora pouted. Evan looked at her for a moment. 

"Rosiers, Crouch's, Malfoy's and Lupin's presence, then" he sighed. Regulus froze for a second, he hadn't known Pandora was a Malfoy. He cringed at the thought of her being related to Lucius, Narcissa's husband. Regulus didn't like him very much, he gave off very creepy vibes. Now that he thought of it, Pandora did have the exact same hair colour as Lucius. How closely related were they? He had never seen her at any sort of family gathering. 

"He is blessed with my presence every day, Evan" Remus broke up his thoughts. Evan rolled his eyes.

"Fine, Ro-" Evan started again, but Regulus cut him off before he could repeat himself again. 

"I am not blessed and I was not wondering that" he said, trying his best to keep his grin down. Evan threw his arms up in the air. 

"You guys are fucking impossible, remind me why I'm friends with you again?" he cried out. All of them burst out laughing and Barty carefully put down his bag, which made a sound that sounded suspiciously much like a glass bottle when it hit the floor. Regulus narrowed his eyes and looked between the four of his friends. 

"We just wanted to celebrate your win from yesterday, but you fell asleep the moment you got home" Remus explained. 

"We're just doing pre-drink here, after that we'll go to a bar or something" Barty said. Ah, yes, because Regulus was such a big fan or going out. He didn't want to ruin his friends fun, though, so of course he just complied. 

"Alright" he smiled. This was going to be a very long night. 

•••

Remus was having the time of his life, his head was spinning from the alcohol and he was surrounded by friends. The plan had been to share one bottle and then head out to a bar, but they had now opened their third bottle from Remus' own little collection and were playing truth or dare. He was leaning against Regulus, who was drunk enough to allow it. 

"Okay, pandora, truth or dare?" Evan said. 

"Truth" Pandora grinned. Evan thought about it for a moment.

"Who do you think is the hottest person in this school?" he asked. 

"Lily Evans" Pandora answered without hesitation. Next to Remus, Regulus gasped for air. 

"James Potters girlfriend?" he stuttered. Barty let out a small yelp. 

"No, no, guys. I heard they broke up" he yelled. Regulus sat up straight, Remus almost lost his balance from the sudden movement. 

"They did? When? How do you know?" he asked. Remus frowned at his friends reaction. He didn't think he would care this much. 

"Yesterday night, apparently. I overheard your brother and the Pettigrew boy talking in the cafeteria" Barty shrugged. 

"Why do you care?" Evan asked, eyebrows raised with amusement. Regulus shrunk a bit. 

"I don't" he murmured. Remus laughed at this, his thoughts racing at the same time. Maybe it was the combination with the alcohol, but the fact James and Lily weren't together anymore struck him like lightning. He had thought they were the best fitting couple he had ever seen. He would have to ask James what happened. Regulus seemed lost in his thoughts and didn't hear Pandora calling his name. Remus softly nudged him and motioned his head to her. Regulus blinked a few times. 

"What?" he asked sheepishly. Remus giggles, they all had a bit too much to drink. 

"I said truth or dare" Pandora grinned. 

"Eh, truth" Regulus answered. Barty leaned over to Pandora to whisper something in her ear and she nodded. 

"Alright, do you like James Potter?" she asked. Regulus turned bright red and Remus frowned again. Had he been this oblivious? Now that he thought about it, it made so much sense. 

"I think he is a nice person" Regulus said, a questioning tone in his voice, trying to test if that was enough of an answer, but of course it was not. 

"You know that's not what we mean" Barty rolled his eyes. 

"I don't" Regulus said, a bit too defensive. Barty and Pandora shot each other a look, but took it as an answer. They all knew what Regulus had just admitted. Remus laid down on his back and stared up at the ceiling. Regulus Black fancied James Potter. What the fuck. All those years of Remus listening to Regulus ramble on about how much he disliked, hated, even, James Potter, the guy who stole his brother from him. Remus turned his head in Regulus' way. 

"My god, there is something so wrong with you" he said, shaking his head. 

"I know" Regulus mumbled under his breath, "Remus, truth or dare?" Remus sat up again, thinking about it for a second. Most of them had been choosing truth and they could use some movement in their evening. 

"Dare" he said. Regulus seemed to think for a second, helplessly looking at his friends. 

"I dare you to find Sirius and declare your love for him" Evan said, arms crossed. Remus heart jumped at the thought of Sirius. They had barely spoken to each other lately, but that had not lessened his feelings for them. Remus jumped up and found he was drunker than he had thought. It took a few seconds for the room to stop moving. Regulus got up too.

"I'll go with him, so he eh, doesn't have to walk alone?" he said. Pandora frowned at him. 

"Doesn't Sirius share a room with James?" she asked. Barty laughed loudly and Remus himself had to suppress a smile as well. Regulus was bright red and murmured something inaudible. 

“Alright Reggie, let’s go” Remus said. The others got up to, saying their goodbyes, not willing to wait in the room for them to eventually return. Remus thought this was fair. Regulus waited outside in the hall as Remus neatly put down the empty bottles next to his bed, a reminder to throw them out later. They waved their friends goodbye and walked in the other direction themselves. 

“Do you actually like James?” Remus couldn’t help but ask. Regulus rolled his eyes at him.

“Of course not, don’t be stupid” Regulus said with a sigh.  Remus side eyed his friend while letting out a small laugh. It was adorable, watching him blush while also trying to keep a straight face. 

They almost made it to Sirius’ dorm when they ran into him. He was clearly also on his way to his room, clearly also drunk, as he was staggering through the hallway in anything but a straight line. They stopped walking when they saw Remus and Regulus. He stood still for a second before waving sheepishly. They were much further gone than Remus, obviously.

“Hello Remus, hello darling brother” Sirius said, continuing in his track, slowly approaching them. Remus flung forward, wrapping his arms around Sirius without really thinking. The instability of the both of them sent them straight to the ground and Remus let out a soft grunt pushing Sirius’ body weight off of him. 

“Get a room” Regulus yawned, leaning against the wall, looking down at the pair of them. Sirius sat up, knees up, arms wrapped around them and looked at their brother.

“Jealous?” he asked. Regulus frowned.

“Who would I be jealous of?” he asked. Remus wanted to open his mouth to say something, but Regulus shot him a deathly look and so he kept his mouth shut. 

“I’ve missed you” Remus tried to distract Sirius, trying not to think about how clingy and annoying he was when he was drunk. Sirius ignored him though, his eyes fixated on Regulus. 

“I was doing a great job avoiding you and forgetting you went to my school, but somehow you keep managing to find ways to creep into my life” Sirius said. Regulus shrugged.

“I’m not doing it on purpose” he said. Remus bit his lip, watching the Black brothers fight was not how he had imagined to spend his evening. 

“Feels like it” Sirius said. 

“That’s unfair. I’m just existing. This is also my school, I’m not actively seeking you out” Regulus said and Remus knew this to be true. He got up and stood in front of Sirius. 

“Guys come on, let’s continue this some time when you’re both sober, alright? Sirius, I was looking for you. I wanted to ask if you wanted to take a walk to the park? Maybe?” Remus said. He knew he was rambling, but he really didn’t feel like watching these two fight, there would be time for all that later. Right now, he just wanted Sirius to himself. Sirius looked up at him, looking rather distressed. Remus looked over his shoulder at Regulus and motioned for him to leave, it would be best to keep him and Sirius as far from one another as possible for now. Luckily, Regulus did leave and Remus prayed on god Sirius did not notice what direction he went in, the direction of Sirius’ and James’ dorm. Remus was tired, but he also wanted Sirius. 

“Please, take a walk with me” Remus begged. Sirius nodded, looking a bit absent. This annoyed Remus, he wanted Sirius’ thoughts on him. It was selfish, of course, but he wanted to be sure Sirius would be willing to commit. He needed to know Sirius wanted him, not just thought he was handsome. He helped the boy up and together they walked outside. 

“He’s such an annoying little shit” Sirius grumbled. 

“Only sometimes” Remus admitted. 

“It’s like he knows where I am, at all times, and finds a way to ruin my day every time” Sirius continued. Remus let out a big sigh. 

“Can we talk about anything else?” he asked. Sirius looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time that night, as if they had only just realised Remus was also there. Remus tried to ignore the feeling this gave him, the feeling that he wasn’t good enough, not interesting enough. The feeling he would not ever be a first choice, even though, deep down, he knew he had always been Regulus’ first choice. Sirius stopped walking and looked up at the sky. 

“The moon is beautiful, don’t you think? I’ve always felt weirdly magnetised to it” he said. Remus also looked up, which made his head spin. It took a while for the moon to come into focus, but Remus immediately knew what Sirius meant. He had always felt this connection with the moon, something he couldn’t really explain.

“I think, my dear Remus, I think you remind me a lot of the moon” Sirius said, slightly slurring their words. Remus looked to his side.

“Do I?” he asked. Sirius nodded.

“Moony” he whispered.

“What’s a moony?” Remus asked dumbly. 

“You. You are moony. It’s what I’ve been calling you in my head, since, you know, me and my friends all have these nicknames. I thought you needed one too and so I came up with Moony, but now that I think about it, it’s actually quite stu-“ Sirius was rambling but Remus cut him off. Remus cut him off by pressing his lips against Sirius’ lips, something he had been waiting to do for such a long time now. He was scared Sirius would pull away, would yell at him, tell him he’d never wanted to see him again, but he didn’t. Sirius placed his arm around Remus’ waist and kissed him back, like they were dying and this was the only thing that could save them. They felt perfect, they felt like they belonged together, they felt like- Remus didn’t get to finish his thoughts. His phone was beeping. He awkwardly searched though his pockets to shut the thing up, but it was James. He couldn’t ignore a call from James.

“I’m really sorry” Remus whispered before answering the phone.

“Yes? Hello?” Remus said. There was a big sigh on the other side of the phone.

“Is Sirius with you?” James asked.

“Yes” Remus answered.

“Good, he isn’t answering my calls, I was worried” James said.

“Sorry, we got distracted” Remus said. 

“I brought Regulus back to your room. You should probably check up on him” James said. Remus let out an annoyed groan. He didn’t want to check up on Regulus, he wanted to stay with Sirius. He didn’t tell James this, of course.

“Alright. I will” he sighed. 

“Lovely. I’m going back to bed. Don’t leave him alone when he’s drunk next time, yeah?” James said. Remus rolled his eyes, glad James couldn’t see him right now. 

“Yes sir” he joked.

“Goodnight Remus. Please send Sirius this way” James said.

“Goodnight James” Remus said and he clicked the call away. 

•••{this part goes down at the same time as the last part of Remus’ POV}•••

James had not left his bed all day on Sunday and Sirius was starting to worry, constantly coming in and out of the room, asking if he needed anything. James needed to be alone, that's what he needed, but he couldn't say it. They we're supposed to grab drinks with Marlene and Dorcas this evening, but James couldn't get himself to do so and after lots of bickering he had finally managed to convince Sirius to go by himself. Sirius had told him he would be back late, if he would be back at all and James had assured him it was fine and he would be fine. Sirius knew he and Lily had broken up, apparently Lily had gone to him for advise first, but James couldn't even be mad about that, even not about the realisation that was why he had made up with him. He was just empty. 

Sirius had been gone for a few hours when James heard knocking in his door. With a big sigh James got up, maybe Sirius was back already and had forgotten his keys, it wouldn't be the first time. 

"Sirius you really need to-" James said as he swung open the door but stopped in the middle of his sentence. Standing before him was not Sirius, but his little brother.

"Regulus" James said, leaning against the doorpost, looking down at the boy. Regulus said nothing for a moment, staring at him with wide eyes.

"I didn't think you'd actually open the door" he whispered unsure. There was something off in his voice.

"I thought you were Sirius" James said. Regulus started giggling at this. God, he was drunk, wasn't he? Then why was he here?

"Are you alone?" James asked. Regulus nodded.

"Who let you go like this?" James sighed.

"Rrremus" Regulus slurred his R and James was sure he was drunk now. He bit his lip and couldn't help being a bit annoyed with Remus. Why had he let Regulus go, in his drunken state, and why was he here, at his room?

"What do you want, Regulus?" James sighed, sounding a bit more annoyed than he had planned. Regulus didn't seem to notice this, however, and placed his arms around James' shoulders.

"James" Regulus slurred, his full body weight on James, "remember when you called me 'darling' yesterday?" James nodded, he remembers. 

"Please do it again" Regulus said, tracing his finger over James' arm, up to his shoulder and into his neck.

"I think it's time for you to drink some water and then go to bed" James sighed. 

"I don't want to go to bed" Regulus pouted. 

"Sirius will be back soon, and if he finds you in our room, we're both dead" James grumbled, helping Regulus up. 

"A risk I'm willing to take" Regulus hummed. James pushed against the body of the smaller boy. 

"I'll walk you to your room, alright?" James said and Regulus shrugged.

"We already ran into Sirius" he said. James felt his eyes widen.

"You did?" he asked. Regulus nodded. 

"He's with Remus now, though. They'll be just fine" he said. James narrowed his eyes. 

"And you didn't fight?" he asked. Regulus rolled his eyes. 

"I  didn't do shit" he said. James sighed deep. A drunk Sirius didn't promise anything good. 

"I need to find him" James said but Regulus just leaned into him a bit more.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, unless you want to be fucking traumatized" he giggled. James shook his head, Sirius would probably not try to do anything, no matter how drunk the both of them were. It was more likely they would be yelling at Remus again. Running into his little brother while drink couldn't have done any good. 

"Sure" James said, placing his hand on Regulus' arm, "Lets get you back to your room." He sighed when Regulus shook his head. Dealing with drunk people while being sober yourself wasn't really the vibe. James just wanted to get back to bed, sleep some more, ignore the fact he was a living person. He wanted Lily back, but that wouldn't happen. He also wanted to find Sirius, he needed to be there for his friend. He also needed to get Regulus back to his room. As fond as he had grown of the younger boy, he was the last person he wanted to deal with right now. 

"Can't I just stay here? I don't want to walk" Regulus whined and oh my god, he was so drunk.

"No, Reg, please just work with me. We're going to get you back to your dorm, right now. I'm tired and I just want to sleep" James said, using his free hand to rub his forehead. He wasn't being the nicest right now, but in his defence, he also wasn't feeling the best, which, was of course not an excuse to behave like an asshole, but he didn't really care in the moment. 

"No" Regulus said. James was really losing his patience now. 

"Can't you take a fucking hint? I don't want you here right now, so let me walk you back to your fucking dorm" James snapped and immediately felt bad about it when the other boy flinched. Regulus fixated his eyes on the ground and James let go of him.

"I-I'm sorry" he said but Regulus didn't respond or even looked up. James wanted to reach out and touch him, but he didn't think that would be the best move. Regulus slowly started moving and James followed him from a safe distance. 

"I didn't mean it like that" he tried, still no response. They walked in silence back to Regulus' dorm and James' thoughts were racing, trying to come up with an apology, though he felt that was not what Regulus wanted. He watched Regulus fumble with his key, but didn't offer to help. He just couldn't. The dorm room was empty and Regulus also seemed surprised by this. Empty bottles alcohol stood next to one of the beds, which James assumed was Remus', based on the fact it wasn't made. 

"You can go now" Regulus said in a raspy voice. James slowly nodded as he awkwardly stood in the doorway. 

"Goodbye" he said. Regulus didn't answer, he headed straight for the bathroom. James closed the door just a second too late, he could hear how Regulus dropped down to the floor and how he started puking his guts out just seconds later. James couldn't help but feel guilty. 

He tried calling Sirius on his way back to his dorm, but they didn’t pick up. In a last attempt he tried calling Remus, who picked up almost immediately. The phone call was short and awkward, but James was so tired, he didn’t even think about what Remus and Sirius could possibly be up to at this hour and se he completely missed the annoyed tone in Remus’ voice and the way his answers were short and blunt. If he had noticed, it would have just been more overthinking material and James already had enough of that. He was so conflicted about his situation with Regulus and the break up with Lily and everything else in his life going down. Tomorrow was Monday and he needed to be okay by then, he couldn’t let his mask slip. He could, he wouldn’t let himself. 

•••

Regulus needed to be alone. He needed to be alone and destroy something, preferably himself. And that why he found himself at the rink at six in the morning. He wasn't sure he was completely sober, though the throwing up had helped. He had not slept a minute and his head was buzzing, but he needed this. He needed to skate and punish himself till he would be able to look himself in the mirror again. He needed to get the sensation of James and the confrontation with his brother out of his system and this was the least destructive thing he could think of. Regulus was aware that skating till he dropped, no energy left in his body and everything aching was still a form of destruction, but nothing else would work right now. He hated himself, he wanted to die. He wished he wasn't growing dependent on James' attention. He wished he didn't long for his brother to notice him. He decided he would never see James again. He could do that, couldn't he? He had his own friends, he could just hang out with the basketball guys more often. He could get back with Barty, couldn't he? Maybe he should. Maybe he wasn't thinking straight but Regulus didn't really care. James didn't want him, obviously. He should have seen that one coming, this was his own fault. It had taken him so much to let James in and now Regulus was the one being shut out. He shouldn’t have let his guard down, honestly. He is also never drinking again. 

Regulus sets foot on the ice and pushes all his thoughts down. His focus is now on doing this right. If he wants to win the next comp, he’ll have to step up his game. The next competition will decide if he qualifies for nationals and he can’t show up there with a half hearted routine and sloppy jumps. He does his on-ice warming up, feeling the way the stretching he did earlier has slightly over worked his muscles, he is in slight pain already. But Regulus just bites the inside of his cheeks and pretends it doesn’t bother him. It doesn’t bother him, this is what he came here for. As long as he feels his body, he can’t feel his thoughts. He blasts his music in his headphones and started making speed. He spun and jumped and fell. He fell so many times and he knew he’d regret it later, but at least he was leaning. He was building up a new skill and he was distracted, what else could he possibly wish for? He didn’t care he had an entire day of classes ahead of him, he even contemplated not going, he had creative writing today, meaning he would have to spend two hours in the same room as James. He didn’t want to be on the same room as James anymore. He wanted to be away from him as far as possible. He needed to be away from his as far as possible. 

Chapter Text

Regulus had been relapsing, he knew he had been. He hadn't been eating, every time he looked in the mirror he wanted to scream and cry, he did not recognise the person he saw. He had barely been sleeping and been getting up at five to be on the ice at six to train till he was sore, bruised and tired. He ignored most of his friends, his defences where higher up than ever. Days went by in a blur and Regulus seemed to just been dragging himself along. He made sure he was busy at any time, to keep the thoughts from creeping in. He didn't fee safe in his skin, he wanted to crawl out of it. He had no idea what was wrong with him, his parents wouldn't allow him to see a psychiatrist, but he had been having these episodes as long as he could remember, where he would only live to hurt himself. He wasn't necessarily angry or sad, just so very empty and alienated from himself, from the world. He often wondered if Sirius felt it too, or if it was just him, if he was just being weird. Sirius. Oh, ever since Regulus had revealed his identity, he had been yearning. Yearning for his brother to look at him, to talk to him, to be his brother again. He hadn't known he missed it, but now that Sirius was in his presence again, he felt like he needed him. He needed his brother to protect him, like he had when they were just children. Regulus wanted to be able to knock at his door again and crawl into Sirius' bed when he was having bad dreams again. He wanted to be there for Sirius when he had one of his breakdowns and he wanted Sirius to be there for him when he was having one of his breakdowns. Sure, Remus was like a brother to him, but it wasn't the same. Sirius was blood. 

He was on the ice again, his body was struggling, he hadn't eaten in a while, he tried, his body refused. Nothing was working, all of his jumps seemed to fail, all he was doing was just falling down and bruising himself. He was so caught up in himself he had not heard the door, or the footsteps, or the skates being thrown to the side when he made an exceptionally hard crash to the ice and took a few seconds to get up. His body was screaming, but so were his mother and Narcissa. You're weak. Try again. Try harder. It's all the fat on your body. Stop whining and get up. And he wanted to, he wanted to get up, but his body physically gave up and he could barely lift himself to even sit up. The coldness and wetness of the ice were slowly penetrating his clothes and Regulus was shivering more than he already had been. He didn't see the person stepping onto the ice, he didn't hear them coming his way, he barely even noticed when they wrapped their arms around him and lifted him from the ground. 

He woke in a room that looked like his own, but wasn't. This wasn't his room. It smelled different and his light didn't slightly flicker. The light was too bright for his eyes and he wanted to scream, but his throat was dry. Someone sat down on the strange bed, a voice he didn't immediately recognise spoke to him.

"Good, you're awake" the voice sounded as if it were trying to pretend they didn't care, but the voice was shaking, which gave away they did. They did care. Regulus sat up, but had to lay down immediately again. The world was spinning and he felt like throwing up, except his stomach was empty. He was offered a hand. Regulus grabbed it and was pulled up again, slowly, this time. 

"Eat this" the voice said. Regulus could not yet see who it was, nor give the voice a place. It was a man's voice, he knew that much. Regulus looked at the crackers in his hand and then looked at the person who gave them to him.

"Sirius?" Regulus said in a weak voice. Sirius smiled a bit unsure. 

"In flesh and bones" he said. Regulus looked around the room, it was decorated with pictures and posters and way less tidy than Regulus preferred. 

"Where am I?" he asked.

"My dorm" Sirius sighed. Sirius' dorm meant...

"I don't want to be here" Regulus' breath stalked in his throat. He anxiously looked over at the other side of the room, the side that must've belonged to James. Sirius placed his hand on Regulus' arm.

"It's alright. James is not here. I don't know whatever kind of bond you have and I'm not sure what has happened, but he's not here and he won't be, as long as I tell him to stay away, alright?" Sirius said. Regulus looked at his brother, eyes narrowed. 

"Why am I here?" Regulus asked. Sirius waved his hand through the air.

"I wanted to go skating but you were there and you kept falling. I contemplated helping you, but just when I was getting ready to do so, you collapsed and didn't get up again" Sirius explained.

"So you took me here?" 

"I panicked, okay? Give me some credit, I carried you all the way here" Sirius said. Regulus made himself a bit smaller. He didn't want Sirius to think he was weak. 

"Thanks" he whispered. 

"Now, what were you doing?" Sirius asked. Regulus was a bit confused, why weren't they fighting? Why wasn't Sirius yelling at him, why did he seem genuinely worried? And why was Regulus even complaining, this is what he wanted, right? 

"Skating, obviously" Regulus managed to say, but it didn't sound as mean as he'd like it to have. 

"Regulus, you look worse than I've ever seen you, you're like a walking corpse" Sirius sighed. 

"If you think this is my worst, you've got a big surprise coming" Regulus scoffed. Although he was low, this was definitely not the lowest he had been. He would go as far as to calling this episode mild. 

"I don't think this is your worst. I know myself and I know you-" Sirius began.

"You don't. You don't know me, you know the me from six fucking years ago" Regulus raised his voice. And there it was, there was the screaming. But Sirius didn't yell back, he just took a deep breath and looked at Regulus. It wasn't pity, in his eyes, no, it was recognition. 

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Regulus" Sirius whispered. Regulus crossed his arms, he finally finished hid cracker and now his stomach was aching for more. 

"Have some water" Sirius said, holding out a big glass to Regulus. He took it and downed it with big sips. The cold water felt good in his dry, hot throat and with the cold water came the hot tears. Regulus didn't know why, or how, but hot tears rolled down his cheeks and he couldn't stop himself. His breathing began to be uncontrollable and Sirius looked at him. But he didn't look mad, or scared, or helpless. There was, once again, that look of recognition. 

"Sorry" Regulus mouthed. Sirius took the empty glass and placed it on the bed side table. After that he pulled Regulus closer and gently brushed his hand over his hair. 

"It's alright" Sirius cooed as he softly rocked them to the side and suddenly Regulus was a child again and they were hiding from their mother. 

"It's alright" Sirius repeated and Regulus wiped his nose on his sleeve. 

"I get like that too, you know? I stop existing, push everything and everyone away. I was like this when I ran away and I- I left you. I didn't mean to, but you were always siding with mum, despite everything. I realised later that it was probably out of fear, you were just a kid, but so was I and to me it felt like you were the worst person in the world at that moment, because how could you possibly stand up for her? After everything? But I realised to late. I couldn't go back there, I couldn't." Sirius whispered the last part, he was now crying as well. Regulus sadly sniffed.

"We're a bunch of losers, the pair of us. Aren't we?" he said between his tears. Sirius pulled Regulus in a hug, which he didn't try to fight off. That's how much he had missed his brother. That's how deep down he was. 

"I'm so scared, Siri" Regulus whispered. He had not meant to let the nickname slip, but Sirius didn't comment on it if he had even heard it. Regulus wasn't scared of his episodes, he had grown to live with those. He was scared of what would happen after. When he would slowly start to get up again, when he had to let his friends back in. He was scared of thinking about the future, he was scared of having to live. He didn't want to live, the thought of needing to find a job after college felt like more than enough reason to end it all. He could, he could just end it all. It would be so easy. He could put a knife to his arms, he could go swimming on a stormy day and drown, he could, he could, he could. Regulus was shaking, not breathing properly. Sirius was just stroking his back, not in any state to help. 

"Have you ever gotten professional help?" Sirius asked him after a while. Regulus shook his head. 

"Only for my transition" he whimpered. Sirius nodded. 

"They wouldn't let you, would they?" he asked. He was talking about mother and father. 

"No. No, they wouldn't" Regulus sniffed. 

"Effie and Monty did let me" Sirius also sniffed. Regulus smiled weakly. 

"So you know what it is, then?" he asked. Sirius shrugged. 

"I know what it is for me. I can't say if it's the same for you" Sirius admitted. Regulus nodded, of course he would never truly know what was wrong with him. He was way to scared to find help himself. 

"What is wrong with you?" Regulus asked. It sounded a lot ruder than he had meant, but Sirius didn't seem to mind. 

"Borderline personality disorder" Sirius whispered. Regulus nodded, he had heard of the disorder before, but he hadn't really looked it up. He was too scared to look up anything mental health related, scared he might find the descriptions to fit him. If he pretended it wasn't there, it wasn't there, right? 

"Do you want me to describe it to you?" Sirius asked, but Regulus shook his head. 

"No" he said honestly. He would look into it later, maybe. Probably not. 

"I've missed you" Sirius said. Regulus' head snapped up to look at his brother. 

"I've missed you too" he admitted in a small voice. He hated how weak and vulnerable he was right now. He was an adult now, not a child. Not the little girl he used to be. 

The brothers jumped up at the sound of the door opening and closing. With teary eyes, Regulus looked up at James, who stared at the two boys wrapped around each other on Sirius' bed. 

"I thought I told you not to come in here" Sirius hissed at James. Regulus placed his hand on Sirius shoulder without thinking. He didn't want Sirius to attack James. 

"It's also my room, you know" James sighed. He didn't look angry, just tired. He greeted Regulus with a small nod. Sirius sighed. 

"I know, but I don't think your presence is wanted here" Sirius said. James sat down on his bed, looking hurt. 

"He can stay" Regulus whispered, ever so soft, he wasn't sure if anyone had even heard it. But they had and Sirius looked at him with a concerned look in his eyes. 

"Are you sure?" he asked and Regulus nodded. 

"I don't even know what I did wrong" James mumbled. Regulus looked away, he was not going to admit the episode had started because James told him he didn't want Regulus around. That was just embarrassing. 

"James, can I talk to you in private for a second?" Sirius asked and James nodded. Both boys got up from where they were sitting and Sirius turned to Regulus. 

"I will be back soon. Will you be alright?" he asked him. No. No I won't. I can't be alone. Don't leave. 

"Yes." Regulus brought his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, trying to steady his breathing. He felt like he was slowly going insane. 

•••

James leaned against the wall and Sirius followed his example. 

"What is it?" James sighed. Sirius didn't like the tone in which James was speaking. Though he was still conflicted about Regulus being here and his friends lying to him, Regulus was still his little brother and he couldn't help but feel protective over him. 

"Sometimes there is no reason why someone is mad at you. You know this, James, you've lived with me for six years, known me for twelve" Sirius said. James' face hardened. 

"And I'm just supposed to accept that? I'm just supposed to accept people being mad at me all the time for no fucking reason? And what if I did the same? If I did it everything would be wrong, unfair. It's tiring, Sirius. You're not the only one with stupid disorders in your brain, alright? Not everything revolves around the noble house of Black." The last sentence hurt. Sirius didn't want to be associated with those people anymore. He wasn't a Black, not really, and James knew this. That was a very, very low blow. 

"You're not making it hard for us to dislike you" Sirius hissed. 

"Neither do you" James shot back. Sirius had to hold himself back, had to take a step back and breathe. Look at his friend, really look. James looked tired, Sirius knew he had not been dealing with the break up well, but they had not realized how bad it had really gotten. Suddenly he wanted to scream at himself, crawl out of his skin, he was such a terrible friend. All they ever thought about was themselves. They were not good enough. It was terrible, how all of them seemed to be spiraling. 

"I'm sorry" he whispered. 

"Me too" James agreed. 

"I just, I forget your episodes are so different and then I don't look hard enough and I miss them and I'm a terrible friend and next thing I know we're fucking up our friendship over and over again" Sirius said. 

"It's a stupid cycle, but I guess that's just life" James nodded. It was all so stupid and unfair and suddenly Sirius was very tired. So tired of everything. They wanted to help James, wanted to help Regulus, but they couldn't. Not when they needed the help themselves. A loud sob emerged from their dorm and James looked at him with wide eyes. 

"I'll go" he said and Sirius nodded, dropping down to the ground, back leaning against the wall, making themselves as small as possible. He didn't want to think, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to be there for Regulus, make up for all the missed time, but he also wasn't sure if the both of them were ready to let the other in. 

•••

James found Regulus on the floor, pulling at his hair. He calmly walked over to the younger boy.

"Hello Regulus" he said softly. Regulus didn't hear him, or ignored him. He didn't stop doing what he was doing, in either case. James sat down across from him on the floor, his legs next to Regulus' legs. He brought his hands to Regulus' arms and Softly touched him. Regulus seemed to be startles by this, his head shot up and he looked at James with wet eyes. His soft face was puffy and red, he had been crying for quite a long time. His face was hollow, more hollow than the last time he saw him. He looked like he had not been sleeping for weeks, which was probably true. It didn't scare James, though. He wouldn't say he was used to it, the depressive episodes looked different on Sirius, but he did know what was going on. Maybe Regulus didn't share the same disorder as Sirius, he definitely had some of the symptoms. The looking up had let to Regulus letting go of his hair, though and he was now nervously plucking at his sweatpants. 

"It's okay" James cooed but Regulus shook his head. 

"I'm fucking insane. I don't want to live" Regulus said, his voice cracking. It broke James' heart, seeing Regulus like this. He pressed his legs against Regulus' and took his hand. 

"You're not insane" James said. 

"Yes I am. I'm a monster. You don't get it" Regulus raised his voice. James didn't flinch, he placed one of his hands on Regulus' cheek and made him look at James. 

"I get it, I really do. Maybe we don't experience these things in the same way, but I get it" he said.

"But you're always to happy and bubble and social and perfect" Regulus sniffed before wiping his nose with his sleeve. James smiled sadly. 

"That doesn't mean I don't also get down. It comes and goes, you know that feeling, right? It comes in episodes, except my episodes tend to last a lot longer than yours or Sirius'. I don't go and push people away, maybe I get less extreme when I'm down, but at my highest I do things without thinking. Impulsively and reckless and I almost alway end up getting hurt. I've just learned to conceal it. When I'm high, only my closest friends notice, because to others, happy James is good. That's normal. Means I'm okay, even if there is a noticeable difference in normal happy and manic happy. So I get it, in some way, okay?" James spilled out. He felt like it was something Regulus needed to know, even if it did nothing to help him right now. Regulus just stared at him. 

"God, I'm sorry for just dumping all of that on you" James said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. 

"James" Regulus said softly. James looked at him, his heart beating in his chest from the sensation of them touching. 

"yeah?" 

"Thanks for telling me." 

"Anytime dude, anytime" James said, instantly regretting it. Dude. He was so pathetic, he wanted to laugh and point at himself. But Regulus didn't look like he found him pathetic. Maybe it was the way they were sitting, maybe both of their brains were just foggy from all the shit going down in life, maybe it was the way Regulus was looking at him, but it was in that moment James discovered something about himself he really did not want to know. Something he had known, in hindsight. All the signs had been there, it were big neon letters, popping up in his head and flashing the message at him. 

James Potter was falling in love with Regulus Black. 

Sure, James had been aware he had grown to like the younger boy rather quickly, he had been dying to be his friend, dying for some attention from him. He had pushed down any feeling that might have been there, though. He had been focusing on Lily, but she wasn't his anymore. He had reminded himself Regulus was Sirius' little brother, he had been ignoring the way his heart started racing when they touched one another. He had been ignoring how nervous he got around the small boy with the dark curls. He had been ignoring how his hands were sweaty when Regulus was around and how he could not seem to take his eyes off of him when they were in the same room. He had tried to push down how badly he had wanted to kiss Regulus when he had won the competition, there, in the parking lot of the ice hall. Everything made sense now, and James allowed himself to feel. He allowed his thoughts to revolve around Regulus, he allowed himself to look at the boy in front of him. He allowed himself to think about how it would be to kiss him, to take him on dates and to call him his. He allowed himself this because he knew it were only dreams, little sparks of imagination. They would never happen and Regulus was still Sirius' little brother. Regulus didn't like James, not like that. Not like that at all. He barely even liked him as a friend. And being friends could be enough, would be enough. He would still get to be around Regulus, would still be able to talk to him, skate with him, watch him skate and his imagination could stay unspoken wishes, unrealistic scenarios. 

•••

Regulus let himself look at James. He let himself study the other boy's face. Oh how he wanted to grab his stupid face and kiss his stupid lips. He wasn't sure how to feel about everything James had told him, but he was glad he did. That meant James trusted him, right? Regulus also trusted James, although he would never admit this. And yes, maybe he did like James. It was not even a 'maybe' at this point.

Regulus Black was falling in love with James Potter. 

His friends were right. It was stupid, very stupid and Regulus hated himself for it. He also hated James for making him feel these things, by the way. He hated how James managed to make his heart flutter and make him weak in the knees like a loser. There was quite a problem, outside the fact that no one would ever fall in love with Regulus, the fact that James was way out of his league and the fact that James was Sirius' best friend. The problem was, Regulus was quite sure James Potter was straight. He was the perfect women magnet, charismatic, handsome, and recently single. He could have all the girls he wanted and Regulus didn't stand a chance. He would never feel James' lips against his and he would never go on a real date with him. James would never call him darling again and Regulus would not get the chance to give James a pet name. It was honestly sad, how he had managed to fall for yet another straight guy. Not just any straight guy, though. James mother fucking Potter. James sighed and smiled at him and Regulus was gone. He forgot about the breakdown he had just minutes ago, where he wanted to rip out all of his hair and kill himself. He still wanted to kill himself, of course, that thought always lingered at the back of his mind, but he was here, with James pressed up against him. James was here and all would be fine. 

Sirius entered the room again, he also seemed to have calmed down a bit, for which Regulus felt a bit of relief. He had spent enough time hating his brother, it was time for a change. Sirius seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"Hey Reg, why don't we grab a coffee tomorrow, the two of us, and just talk?" he said. 

"It's Regulus" Regulus grumbled. 

"Okay, Regulus. Coffee, you and me, what do you think?" Sirius rephrased his question, without the stupid nickname. He did not get to call him that just yet. 

"Alright" Regulus agreed and Sirus smiled at him. 

"I'm off to meet 'Cas, Marls and the rest. Consider yourself invited" Sirius said as he grabbed a pair of normal paints and wandered off to the bathroom to change. 

"Will Lily be there?" James yelled at him. 

"Yes" Sirius yelled back. James hesitated for a second. Regulus still had no idea what exactly had gone down between the two off them and he wasn't sure if they were even on speaking terms. 

"Do you want to come?" James asked him quietly. 

"If you want me too?" Regulus replied unsure. James nodded. 

"Alright" Regulus sighed, looking down at his sweatpants and turtle neck. 

"Don't worry, the girls are in their sports gear most of the time. I mean, you know Cas and Marls, always training for something" James laughed and Regulus nodded. He did know Dorcas and Marlene, the girls who had basically adopted him as their little figure skating sibling. Sirius returned from the bathroom in normal clothes and Regulus and James got up. 

They were meeting up in the small restaurant near campus, everyone was already there when they got there. Regulus knew Dorcas and Marlene and Lily and he had seen Mary around, obviously, but he had never really spoken to her, same with the Pettigrew guy. 

"Guys, I want to introduce to you: my little brother, Regulus" Sirius said. None of them looked surprised, though.

"Yeah, we know him" Dorcas said. Marlene and Lily nodded in agreement. Pettigrew awkwardly waved and Mary gave him a smile. Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Did everyone already know?" he asked. Mary shrugged.

"I mean, I wasn't sure but look at the two of you, it makes sense" she said. Sirius rolled his eyes, he wasn't in the mood to get angry at anyone. They all stuffed themselves into one of the booths, Regulus managed to claim a seat at the end, James pressed up against him. It wasn't necessary, how close he sat against Regulus, but he didn't mind. It did make him quite nervous, though. James' body heat radiated through his clothes and warmed Regulus, who was already sweating from how close they sat. They didn't look at each other, though. They looked everywhere but at each other, to be honest. James was in a heated conversation with Sirius and Pettigrew and Regulus listened to Dorcas and Lily discussing their week. He watched the way Lily and Mary kept 'accidentally' touching hands, the way Lily blushed and giggled whenever Mary made a joke and the way Mary stared at Lily while she spoke. They were cute together, sure, but how could Lily ever dare to break James' heart. How could she. Under the table, James softly kicked his shoe against Regulus', causing him to break from his thoughts. With big eyes he stared at James.

"What?" he asked.

"What do you want?" James asked. Regulus blinked a few times.

"Sorry?" he said. James let out a small laugh.

"Your order? Food? Drinks?" he explained. Regulus could cry, he felt so stupid. 

"A diet coke will do" he said. James frowned at him.

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" he asked. Regulus shrugged.

"I'm good" he said. Sirius bent over to James and whispered something in his ear, which Regulus absolutely did not like. 

"What did you say?" he asked his brother, but Sirius just looked at him and shrugged.

"Don't know what you're talking about" he grinned. James gave him a swat on his shoulder and shook his head. 

"you'll find out" he said. Regulus hated this. He didn't want to 'find out', he wanted them to just tell him what Sirius had said. He didn't come here to be left out. Lily touched his hand over the table.

"Don't mind them, you know how they get" she said, but he didn't. Regulus didn't know how they got. He knew how they got when they were younger, how they had little secrets, hiding places, their own language, all not accessible for 'girls', but he had thought they'd grown out of that. He had never truly seen James and Sirius interact up close, not in the past eight years. This made Regulus panic, he didn't want it to be like when they were younger. Sirius and James on one team, always together, always having little inside jokes and secrets Regulus didn't understand, and Regulus as an outsider, jealous of James, for taking his brother. James would always like Sirius better, Regulus was sure of it. 

"Alright, I'm going to order" James said, and instead of giving Regulus the time to stand up and let him past, he climbed over his lap, one leg on one side, the other on the other side if Regulus' legs, their faces almost touching and James' hands on his shoulders for balance. Regulus felt all the air being sucked out of him and the world seemed to stop spinning for a second. James stood still for a second too long, he was not just regaining balance at this point, he was doing this on purpose. Why was he doing that? Did he know about Regulus liking him? Did he think this was all one big joke? He was purposefully torturing him, wasn't he? Regulus got pulled back to earth by Lily, who, thank the lord, kicked against his shin. James was now standing next to him and Regulus looked around, ashamed of himself, checking if anyone had seen that. They had not, luckily, except Lily, of course. Regulus also got up and excused himself.

"Bathroom" he mumbled as he awkwardly pointed behind him. James bent over to him.

"Bathroom's that way" he said, turning Regulus in the right direction.

"Right" Regulus said. Another moment of unnecessary touching. He watched James walk to the counter to order and Regulus walked of to the toilet, softly touching his shoulders, where James' hands had been. This man was making him weak, and he didn't like it. 

•••

James watched Regulus pick at the plate of fries Sirius had told him to order for him, even though he said he didn't want anything. Sure, James agreed Regulus needed to eat something, but this was clearly not something he wanted. He took one of his own fries and chewed on it while he listened to Sirius and Peter discussing their latest hockey practice. James longed to be on the ice again. He had an appointment with Frank this Thursday, where he would tell him if he was ready to go back on the ice. And even if he was allowed, James was very much aware things would not be the same, not for a while, at least. First off, he was scared to het hurt again, and second, his leg did still hurt after working out, so an intense hockey game wasn't in the books for a while. It made James want to cry and scream, it was unfair, his entire future had been ripped away from him. He knew it had been an accident, bit he couldn't help and be mad at the boy who did it. 

"I can't wait for you to be back" Peter sighed and James smiled at him.

"Me too" he replied. None of them spoke about the concerns they all had, but they hung in the air like some unspeakable secret. They all liked to pretend everything would be back to normal once James returned and so did James. He hoped it would take his mind of of everything else, especially off the boy next to him. James knew he was touching him as much as possible on purpose, but he couldn't help himself. He wanted it to stop, he felt stupid and embarrassed. The problem was not that Regulus was a boy, he had been out as bi for years at that point, the problem was that it was Regulus. Regulus who insulted him at every opportunity. Regulus who was also secretly very sweet. Regulus who was so extremely talented but couldn't see it himself. Regulus who was his best friends little brother. 

Sirius slapped James on his shoulder without at warning.

"Auch, what was that for" James grumbled, rubbing his shoulder with a painful face. Sirius motioned his head to the side and James looked over to see Remus and three others walk in. James recognised Pandora from his creative writing class and he knew the other two to be Regulus' friends, Barty and Evan? The four of them seemed to also have spotted their group and walked over to them. 

"Hey Pandora!" Lily said excitedly but Sirius buried his head in James' shoulder. 

"I haven't spoken to Remus since we kissed last week" he whispered. James' head snapped up and he pushed Sirius away. 

"You What? And you didn't bother to tell me?" he cried out. Sirius gave him an apologetic look. 

"Must've slipped my mind since you were the one who disturbed us" they said. James thought for a second and then realised it must've been the night Regulus showed up at his dorm drunk. 

"Oh my god Sirius, I'm sorry" he said, slapping his hand over his mouth. This gained them a weird look from everyone and Sirius awkwardly waved at Remus. 

"Nothing" James mumbled quickly. 

"Why don't you guys join us? We can move some chairs over" Mary suggested but Regulus shook his head.

"No that sounds like a stupid plan" he said quickly. The dark skinner boy, who James thought to be Evan, pouted.

"Why not Reggie? Scared we'll spill all your embarrassing little secrets?" he said jokingly. Regulus rolled his eyes.

"I don't have any embarrassing secrets" he said. 

"No? What about the fact you talk in your sleep?" the other boy, Barty?, said. Regulus turned bright red.

"I don't do that" he said. 

"Oh he does, already did when we were just children" Sirius laughs besides him. Meanwhile Remus and Pandora were dragging four chairs over to the table and with lots of trying, pushing and pulling, they managed to fit all four of them at the table. Regulus buried his head in his hands and James couldn't help but smile at this. He was so very cute. Barty took Regulus' plate of fries and slid it over the table to himself. We'll at least someone would be eating from it. James watched in awe as Barty managed to get Regulus to eat one of the fries, and then another one and another one. He couldn't hear what he was saying, too many people talking around him and Barty kept his voice low on purpose. Regulus still didn't seem satisfied he had to eat the greasy, and now cold, fries, but James felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted to be the one Regulus trusted, not stupid Barty. Lily shot him a look and James quickly looked away. She knew, it was obvious, but James was also still a bit figdety and uncomfortable around her. They had spent so much time together and James could not just let that go. He hadn't really talked about it with anyone, he didn't want to be a bother and they separated on good terms, for a reason neither of them could do anything about, so what was the point of making a problem out of it. He could bear his heart break in private, on his own. Still, it hurt to see Lily flirting with Mary like that, though he knew he was doing the same thing. He bit his lip unconsciously, a nervous habit he had developed over the years. 

"Mate, are you okay?" Sirius asked him. James just nodded. 

"I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be back soon" he said and this time Regulus did stand up in time, much to James' disappointment. 

"Thank you" he said as he passed the boy who gave him a small nod before sitting back down, feet on the bench they were sitting on, pressed up against his body, absently listening along with the various conversations going on. 

The bright fluorescent lights of the bathroom hurt James' eyes. The restaurant was dimly lit and outside it was getting dark, so the white lights were quite overwhelming. Everything was a bit overwhelming at the moment. There were way too many people and though James was a very social person, he was also easily overstimulated and all the different voices and conversations were a bit too much too handle. He was already tired from this afternoon, dealing with both Sirius and Regulus and his own thoughts and this was the final straw. James rushed over to the toilet, the nausea rising from the stress and panic he was experiencing. The greasy food he'd eaten definitely did not help and James dropped down to his knees. Before he knew it he was throwing up the entire content of his stomach. He wanted to go home and did his best to contain his tears. He sat on the bathroom floor for a bit, wiping his face with a piece of toilet paper. 

"James?" a concerned voice sounded through the bathroom. James turned around and cursed himself for forgetting to close the door to the stall. He reached out to close it, but it was too late, Regulus had already seen him. He got up as quick as possible and flushed the toilet.

"Are you okay?" Regulus asked. James nodded while wiping his face, drying off the few tears that had managed to escape. 

"Sure. Just a bit overwhelmed" he said. He didn't want Regulus to see him weak like this, even though 'a bit overwhelmed' was a criminal understatement. He felt the way his clothes sat on his body, his hair felt greasy and stuck to his face, his glasses pressed too hard on his nose and his skin felt too tight. He felt disgusting for throwing up and the sour taste lingered in his throat and mouth. Regulus blinked a few times.

"Same" he said with a sigh. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" James offered. Regulus looked him up and down.

"Do you?" he asked. James sighed deep.

"Not really" he admitted. 

"Today was a weird day" Regulus mumbled. James sighed again.

"God, tell me about it" he agreed. 

"Can't we just go home?" Regulus asked and James nodded.

And that's how James Potter and Regulus Black ended up in Regulus' room, on Regulus' bed, curled up against each other, watching a movie on Regulus' laptop. Regulus himself had fallen asleep long ago, but James didn't dare to move, scared to wake up the other boy. He wasn't exactly sure how they had ended up like this. They had left the restaurant together, already gaining them some looks and then James had offered to walk Regulus to his dorm, and offer he had miraculously accepted. Remus wasn't in their room, obviously so Regulus had invited him in. They had barely even talked to one another, just sat in silence until Regulus had suggested they could watch a movie. James had not meant to lean against the other boy that much and he had not counted on Regulus falling asleep on his shoulder, but here they were and James did not mind at all. He wasn't paying attention to the movie at all, he had already seen it so many times and he preferred Andrew Garfields spider-man over Toby Maguires spider-man. Instead, he was softly stroking Regulus' curls, imagining how this could be them forever, just enjoying each other's company, feeling safe enough to fall asleep next to the other. He was so deep in his thoughts he barely even heard Remus coming in. 

"Hello?" the tall man said, hesitating in the doorway. James cleared his throat.

"Hi Remus" he whispered. 

"What is happening here?" Remus asked. James sighed.

"I'm not even sure myself" he admitted. Remus narrowed his eyes. 

"Be careful with him, yeah? If you ever hurt him you're dead" he defended his friend, which, fair. James exhaled.

"Yes, alright. I know. I eh, I should probably go before Sirius comes back" James said, placing Regulus' laptop on the bed and softly trying to move him from his shoulder into a laying position, but he accidentally woke the smaller boy up. Regulus' head shot up and he looked between James and Remus with wide eyes. 

"I'm going, okay? Sorry for waking you up" James said. Regulus said nothing, just looked at him in shock. 

"Eh, yeah, bye" James said as he got up and walked to the door.

"Bye James" Remus said with a nod of his head and James let the door fall into its lock.

Chapter Text

Neither Regulus nor Remus said a word to each other about the fact Regulus had fallen asleep on James' shoulder the night before. Regulus was very much ashamed of himself, though, but he had felt so safe with James. 

"I'm going to the shop, need anything?" Regulus asked as he got dressed.

"Can you bring me a bag of salt and vinegar crisps?" Remus asked and Regulus nodded. He tied his shoes and flung a tote bag over his shoulder and with that he was on his way. It was a fairly warm day for mid February, but Regulus still wrapped his coat tightly around himself. The store wasn't that far off campus, just a few minutes, but as he was walking, a weird feeling gloomed over Regulus, as if something bad was about to happen. He walked fast, wanting to be back in his room as soon as possible, but it didn't matter. He couldn't outrun faith. 

"Revati" a cold voice sounded. Regulus froze on the spot. He would recognize her voice anywhere and cursed himself for even leaving his room. He slowly turned around, trying not to show his fear of her. 

"Mother" he said in the same cold tone. The old woman responsible for most of his childhood trauma stood there, next to her car, which she obviously did not drive herself. Kreacher, the only person he had liked at his childhood home, sat behind the steering wheel. Regulus couldn't remember how Kreacher had gotten his nick name, but at this point he had also forgotten the servants real name. Walburga plastered a fake smile on her face. 

"My dear Revati, why don't you come over here and give your mother a big old hug" she spoke. The tone of her voice went straight to Regulus' bones and left a shiver down his spine. 

"It's Regulus" Regulus corrected her, being smart enough not to walk over to the car. You could never know what Walburga was up to and he wouldn't put it past her to try and shove him into the car as soon as he would come closer. 

"Such a shame you are still holding on to that bullshit, dear daughter" Walburga said. Regulus shivered again. He was nauseous and wanted to run away, but it were as if his feet were glued to the ground. All of this felt like a bad nightmare, but the cold wind in his face revealed it was not. He didn't have it in him to correct her again, only bad things would come from it. 

"I've tried calling you, but you didn't pick up" his mother said accusatory. 

"I changed my phone number, my phone broke" Regulus lied. When he said he ran away, he didn't mean it in the way Sirius ran away. He didn't leave a note saying he wouldn't come back, he didn't take all his things, he didn't cut off everyone in his family. He went to the college his mother picked out for him for half a year, convinced his mother everything was going well, got a new phone, slowly transferred most of his money into a new bank account, made sure to still sometimes use the old one, started making deals with his old and new college and then, finally, after winter break, he managed to transfer, all of this without having contacted his mother for about half a year. Sure, he still legally lived under his parents' roof, but he was still working on that. But somehow Walburga had somehow managed to find out about his little plan. Regulus had been on edge about this ever since the headmistress had called him into her office, but this morning it had just kind of slipped his mind, too occupied with thinking about James and how comfortable they had been yesterday. 

"I figured, so I thought, I'd come and visit you, see what you're up too" she said with fake kindness. To any out stander it might have seemed like they were just having a civil conversation, but Regulus was shaking. 

"Alright" he said, suspiciously. 

"You didn't tell me you switched schools" Walburga said. Regulus frowned, as if this was news to him. 

"I thought I sent you a letter" he lied. Walburga raised her eyebrows, not believing a word he said, but didn't say anything about it. She let go of the car door and slowly walked over to him. 

"Give me your phone" she said, holding out her hand. Regulus didn't move fast enough, not according to her liking, so she grabbed his wrist from the hand in which he was holding his phone. She pinched him hard and looked at the wrist in her hand. She dug her long, pointy nails into her skin, leaving ugly marks.

"You've gained weight" she said. Regulus snagged his hand away from her and handed her his phone. 

"I'm sorry" he said, because he was. He was truly sorry for putting on weight, it wasn't his intention, but hearing his mother say it like that still hurt a little, no matter how used he was to it. Walburga added her phone number in his phone and sent herself a message to make sure she also had his phone number. Who taught her to work with a phone? She then lifted her hand and tugged at his curls. It wasn't soft and gentle, it was obvious she wanted to hurt him, punish him for trying to cut contact with her. 

"Good to see you're growing your hair out again, you are much prettier that way" she said. Regulus cringed, but there wasn't much he could do. Taking a step back would only lead to more paint. 

"How's father" he asked in a small voice. 

"You know, still sick, nothing new" Walburga said coldly, as if it wasn't her husband she was talking about but a stray dog that just happened to show up at her door. Regulus nodded and his mother finally let go of his hair. It took everything in him not to rub the painful spot in front of her. 

"What are you doing at this school anyways? Who let you in? We all know you'll never be good enough of a skater" she said. Regulus looked down at the floor. He held back on telling her about the competition he had just won, she would just tell him it didn't matter, it was only a small one. Nothing would be ever good enough for her, Regulus was sure she would not even be satisfied if he managed to come out on top at the fucking olympics. 

"I asked you a question, Revati. You answer when your mother speaks to you" Walburga's sharp voice cut through the air. 

"I skate, yes" Regulus whispered. 

"And what about him? He goes here, doesn't he?" his mother asked. She was asking him about Sirius. 

"He does, yes" Regulus answered shortly. His thought were trying to figure out what his mother came to do, since it did not look like she was here to kidnap him. His mother looked at him, her eyes narrowed. She reached out and pinched his cheek with her long, bony fingers.  It hurt and Regulus felt the tears forming in his eyes, but he swallowed them down and bit his tongue. 

"I'll call you" Walburga said, before giving his cheek an extra squeeze, since that was all she could do in public. Regulus nodded and unclenched his fist. He looked down at the imprints of his nails in his palm and Walburga's nails in his wrist. She didn't look back when she walked to the car and didn't look back when Kreacher drove off. They left Regulus out on the street, shaking and confused. Apart from physically hurting him, she had not done much else. She had not demanded he'd go back to his old college, she had not tried to take him away and she had not gone to the school itself, as far as he knew. As far as the abuse went, it was nothing he wasn't used to. He slowly unfroze and remembered what he came to do. On his way to the shop he passed a barber and the comment his mother had made lingered through his head.

I'm glad you're growing your hair out

"Hi, I don't have an appointment, but can I get a haircut?" 

The cold air felt good against Regulus' bare ears and neck. His new haircut was short, very short. His curls were only visible on top of his head and the sides were shaved. He missed his longer hair, but at least he didn't look like a girl anymore, right? He picked up what he needed from the shop and went back to his dorm, about three hours later than he had planned. Remus wasn't in, but he also had not sent him a message, it wasn't unusual for Regulus to get distracted while doing his tasks. He sat in his room for a bit before he decided to call Remus, see what he was up to. He didn't pick up and Regulus found his sports bag wasn't in the room, so he concluded he was at basketball practice. He decided it would be nice to support his friends by watching their practice and it would also be a nice distraction, since he wasn't in the mood for skating. He took one last look in the mirror, his features seemed more feminine than usual, no matter the new haircut. He sighed but left the room. Skipping a few meals would do the trick. 

The basketball hall was big and loud and crowded. Regulus found his friends shooting balls at one another and sat down in the sideline of the field where they had placed their bags. He watched them play for a bit until Evan caught sight of him and nudged the other two. Barty stared at him, eyes widened and the three of them jogged over to him. 

"Dude, where's your hair" Barty called out. Regulus shrugged.

"I saw my mother" he said. 

"As in, you were hallucinating or as in, she was here, in person?" Evan asked with a concerned look. Whatever the answer would be, neither would be great. 

"She was here. Or, well, in town. I bet she was just driving around till she would run into me, not like she has anything better to do" Regulus told them. Remus frowned.

"What does that have to do with your hair?" he asked. 

"She told me I looked prettier with long hair" Regulus shrugged. Barty grunted.

"This bitch" he hissed through his teeth. 

"What did she want?" Remus asked. 

"See, that's the problem. I don't know, because, well, I'm still here. I'm also not sure how she found out I'm here, anyways. It felt like she just wanted to hurt me a bit, punish me but not really, you know? I bet she'll come back for more sooner or later" Regulus spilled out.

"That woman gives me the creeps" Barty stated. Regulus rolled his eyes.

"Obviously, I'd be concerned if she didn't" he said. Barty just shrugged. 

"Hey, breaktime's over" one of their teammates yelled from across the field and Evan gave them a thumbs up. 

"We have to get back, alright? Be safe, we'll see you later" Evan said, giving Regulus a soft slap on his back. Regulus pressed his lips together and nodded.

"Goodluck" he said to his friends as he watched them run back onto the field. He contemplated staying and watch the rest of the practice, but he got distracted by something else. Through the windows of the sporthall he could see the big football field bordering the hall. The field was almost empty except for about four or five people stretching. Regulus immediately recognised Lily's red hair and before he knew it, he was walking outside. He had never given much thought to whatever sport it could be Lily did here but football was one of the last things he would've thought of. He wasn't sure why he was approaching the girls, but it just felt like a good idea to befriend some of James' friends. Maybe he could come up with a lie about writing class if they asked why he was there. Om the field he saw Lily, Mary, a girl he shared english literature class with called Amelia Bones and two others he did not recognise. Regulus regretted coming out here the moment the girls saw him. Why had he gone there? That was so out of character for him.

"Hey Reg, what are you doing here?" Lily asked. Regulus cringed at the nickname, but didn't say anything of it. He panicked and stuttered: "I eh- looking for you." Lily raised her eyebrows.

"If you wanted to ask me if I know where James is, I have no idea" she said. Regulus quickly shook his head. 

"No, no, for eh, the creative writing class. We eh, need to eh, look over some... things?" he said it as if it were a question and he was unsure of what he meant which, he was unsure. He felt stupid for approaching Lily and he felt stupid because she thought he came here to ask about James, even though he had not been thinking about James for the past few hours. Because he wanted to forget him. There was no more James Potter in his life. The night before had not happened. Forget. Him. 

"Hello?" Lily's voice cut into his thoughts. Regulus' head snapped up.

"Sorry, what?" he asked, stupidly. 

"I asked when you would be free to work on... you know, homework?" Lily repeated herself. 

"tomorrow will work, I guess" Regulus mumbled. Lily raised her eyebrows again but nodded. 

"Alright, tomorrow night, library" she said. Regulus nodded and then quickly walked away. That had to be the most embarrassing thing he had ever done in his life. Apart from every interaction with James ever. See, there he was again, thinking about James. How hard could it be to keep his own promise? 

Regulus spent the remainder of his day in his room until Remus barged in, panting, face red and eyes puffy. 

"I need you. Or your car. Preferably both" he said. Regulus looked up from his phone, uninterested. 

"Why? When?" he asked. Remus held up his phone.

"My- my father called. Apparently they put Mom in some sort of house for people with things like dementia without telling me and he expects me there tomorrow" he said, finally catching his breath. Regulus sat up in an instant. 

"Yeah, alright. I'll go with you" he said. There was nothing he wouldn't do for his best friend. 

•••

Remus was terrified. He was trembling, shaking and all he wanted to do was cry. He wanted to stay in his bed, safe, in his dorm, but instead he was in somewhat nice clothes, less casual than something he'd wear on a regular day of school, next to Regulus in his car. The drive back to London was quiet, neither of them felt like talking. The weather was gloomy and the dark clouds hung over them like a heavy blanket, ready to choke Remus when they got the chance. He felt like he couldn't breathe, and the feeling only got stronger the closer they got to the home where his father had dumped his mother. Lyall had told Remus it had been his mothers own choice to go there, but Remus had learned over the years not to believe a single word that came out of Lyall Lupins mouth. 

"Are you sure you want me to wait for you outside?" Regulus asked once again. 

"I need to do this alone" Remus told his best friend, for the umpteenth time. Regulus clamped his hands around the steering wheel and nodded. 

"Alright. Good luck" he said with a nod of his head. 

"Thank you" Remus whispered as he got out of the car and slammed the door behind him. He pulled at his button up, making sure there were no wrinkles to be found and pushed through the big doors of the building. His father was waiting for him in the reception hall, all suited up, looking cold as ever. 

"Remus" his father said with a nod of his head. 

"Hello father" Remus said, not looking up at Lyall's face. 

"I am glad you could get here this soon" Lyall said. Remus bit the inside of his cheeks. I know you're not happy to see me, don't pretend like you are. 

"Of course" he replied. His father gave him a slap on the back, just a slighty bit harder than necessary. A nurse appeared and led them to Hope Lupins' room. Remus asked to see his mother alone first and Lyall did not protest. It was not like he had ever been eager to see his wife anyways. With the nurse coming in with him, Remus grew even more nervous than he already was. Leaving his father behind, Remus stepped inside the room. It was mostly white, a soft carpet on the floor and the couch decorated with cushions his mother definitely picked out. Remus smiled a bit at this. Hope Lupin sat in a big armchair in the middle of the room. 

"Hi mom, it's me, Remus" Remus spoke hesitantly. His mother looked up with a soft smile on her face.

"Remi" she said, holding out her hand for him to take. Remus smiled at the nickname, she used to call him this when he was just a small boy. Remus eagerly took her hand.

"Yes, it's me. Remi" he said. 

"Do you want tea?" she asked. 

"Yes, I'd like that" Remus said. Hope looked up at the nurse.

"Can we get some tea, please?" she asked. The nurse nodded and headed over to the small kitchen in the room. For now his mother was still allowed to use most things there, but it was unsure for how much longer. 

"Thank you, honey" Hope said, taking one of the mugs from the nurse. Remus took the other one and the nurse went to stand in the corner of the small room. Remus sat down on the couch, across from his mother. 

"How have you been dear?" Hope asked.

"I've been alright" Remus smiled, blowing on his tea to cool it off. The thought about Regulus, who was waiting outside in his car and of his father, who was waiting outside in the hallway. He wanted to stay with his mother, but at the same time, he did not. 

"That's good, that's good" Hope nodded. Remus didn't bother returning the question. 

"Did you come alone?" she asked. Remus shook his head.

"Father will be in after me and Regulus drove me" he responded. 

"Regulus?" Hope asked, a frown on her face. Remus felt his heart break for Regulus, of course he had to be one of the first people she'd forget.

"My best friend" he said. 

"Ah" hope answered, "I remember now." It was clear she did not. 

"Do you want some tea?" she asked after a moment of silence passed between the two of them. 

"Mom, we have tea" Remus said. 

"Yes, I know, I've got plenty of  flavours. I could ask the nurse to make us some" she said absently, staring at Remus' face. Remus held up his mug.

"We already did, I have my mug here. Yours is on the table besides you" he said patiently. He wanted to scream and cry. It was only something small, forgetting they already had tea, but it was unfair. Why did it have to be his mother? And did this mean it ran in the family? It did, didn't it? There was a reason he wasn't allowed to go and visit his grandparents with his mother when he was younger. Why had they hidden this from him? He suddenly finished his tea very quickly, hiding his tears behind the steam of the hot beverage. 

"I-I have to go, mom" Remus stuttered, clumsily standing up and hitting his knee on the coffee table. 

"Okay Remi" Hope said. Remus gave her a quick kiss on top of her head before excusing himself to the nurse, who gave him an understanding look. The door flung open and Remus was once again face to face with is father. 

"You knew this would happen, didn't you?" he yelled. 

"Remus, calm down" Lyall sighed. 

"No! I'm not 'calming down'. It's about fucking tome you people start telling me shit that might be important for me to know. If I'm going to forget everything and be locked up at 45, I'd like to fucking know it" he screamed. The tears were now streaming down his face bit he didn't care anymore. He swatted away his fathers hand, which he had tried to place on Remus' shoulder and looked him straight in the eye. 

"We don't even know if you have the gene for it. There is no need to worry you with such things Remus" Lyall spoke in the same, emotionless voice he always spoke in, like nothing ever bothered him. 

"But what if I do? What if I fucking do, wouldn't it be nice to be at least prepared for it, yeah?" 

"Stop making a scene!" The sudden raise in his father voice made Remus flinch.

"Fuck you" he spat and with that he turned around and stomped away. He slammed Regulus' car door and propped his head up against the window. He saw Regulus wanted to tell him not to do that, he'd get the windows dirty, but his friend bit his lip and placed his hand on Remus' leg.

"I'm sorry" he just said. Remus couldn't talk for a while, his sobs were too big and the sound of them filled the entire car. Remus quickly turned on the radio, louder than necessary. Regulus said nothing, just stared at him. He pulled out of the parking lot while Remus slowly came to his senses. His thoughts were still a big whirlwind racing through his head. He wasn't feeling well at all and he couldn't be more grateful for Regulus, who just drove him back in silence without asking any questions. 

The moment they got back to the dorm Remus collapsed on his bed an slept all the way to dinner, for which Regulus woke him up. Remus wasn’t a stranger to feeling like this, like he had been betrayed. His entire childhood had been filled with lies and secrets but somehow he had still hoped his parents had changed. But of course, nothing had changed. After all, he had only been away for half a year, so what had he expected? Remus struggled to get his food down and keep it down and everything that was said around him just went straight past him. He felt so empty inside. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Regulus asked him when they walked back to their dorm after what felt like hours in the great hall. Remus shrugged. 

“Alright. Just know I’m like,,, here for you” Regulus sighed. 

“I know” Remus said, sitting down on his bed and untying his laces. There fell a short silence before Remus started speaking again. 

“It’s just, they knew it would happen. My parents, I mean. They knew it runs in the family and there is about a fifty percent change I will get it too, dementia at an early age, I mean. So tell me, what is even the point in trying to build up a future?” Remus spilled out. He felt bad for just dumping it all out like that, but it was also needed.

“So what? Are you just going to sit around until you get locked away?” Regulus said, eyebrows raised. Remus looked up at his best friend with a harsh look on his face. He had hoped for a more comforting reply. He opened his mouth to say some but Regulus was faster.

“No, Remus. You have all the right to be angry and upset, I just don think it benefits anyone if you just give up now because you might start losing your memories at 40. That’s in twenty years, Remus. So much time for… you know… fun things?” he said, his last part sounded more like question than a statement, but he did have a point. 

“Why don’t you tell yourself life is worth living sometime” Remus shot back. He was quite bad at admitting others could also be in the right.

“This isn’t about me” Regulus said calmly. Remus looked away, ashamed.

“I know” he grumbled. Regulus sighed and walked over to Remus’ bed, sat down next to him, shoulders touching, like a brotherly gesture.

“Remus, why don’t you go to sleep or whatever. I’m supposed to meet Lily in a few, but I need to know you’ll be safe, okay?” he said. Remus looked at him with a sigh.

“Okay” he said. Regulus nodded at him and stood up again. 

“I’ll see you later” he said before leaving the room. 

Remus didn’t see Regulus until the next morning, he fell asleep right after his friend left. 

Chapter Text

James was still not doing the best, but at least he had his friends. Sirius and Peter had been trying to support him the best they could, even Remus had reached out to ask about why he and Lily had suddenly broken up and comforted him afterwards. Everything was just alright. He didn't feel exceptionally bad but also not exceptionally great and that scared him. Because while of course it was nice, not feeling everything to it's extent, James also knew it wouldn't last. Moments like these never lasted and it was just a matter of time until he bounced back one way or the other. He'd be either sucked into a bad depressive episode or he would be manic dragged into mania and become a danger to both himself and the people around him. Except, James didn't have the time to think about his own emotions, or at least, he didn't give himself the opportunity for it. He had not seen Regulus for a few days and that concerned him. He had typed out (and deleted) so many texts, walked past the rink a few more times than necessary and dinner was one big disaster of James looking around the great hall to catch as much as a glimpse of the black curls he liked so much. But it was no use, Regulus Black was nowhere to be found. Neither was Remus, by the way. Not since last week. Even Sirius didn't know where he was.

But right now James did not have the time to look for Regulus, right now he was on his way to doctor Frank Longbottom. He knocked on the door of the little office and stuck his head inside.

"Frank?" he asked. Frank looked up from his computer, placing his glasses on top of his head.

"Hello James" he smiled, and motioned for James to come in.

"Hello" James said, nervously sitting down on one of the chairs. Today was supposed to be a big day, a good day. Doctor Frank did a few tests with James' leg and honestly, it didn't hurt at all anymore.

"Yes, I think you'll be fine to slowly build up skating again" Frank said. He placed his glasses on his nose and typed a few things into his computer. James' eyes widened.

"Really?" he asked enthusiastically. Frank nodded but raised his finger.

"Keyword is slowly, alright James? Don't over do it and if anything starts hurting again, come see me immediately" he said sternly. James bit his lip to repress a smile and nodded.

"Yes sir" he said. Frank burst out laughing.

"Don't call me sir, please" he smiled.

"Alright, Sir" James teased. Frank shook his head and rolled back to his computer.

"I'll see you in two weeks, alright? But don't hold back on stopping by if anything is wrong" he said. James jumped up and flapped his hands in excitement.

"Yes. I'll see you. Thank you. Bye" he said and rushed out the door. He wanted to get to the rink as fast as possible. James couldn't wait and was obviously not watching where he was going so it wasn't surprising he ran into someone full speed.

"For fucks sake, watch where you're wa- Oh. It's you" Regulus' voice sounded. James heart made a small jump.

"Hi" he gasped. Regulus looked him up and down and James did the same. He raised his pointer finger and pointed at Regulus' head.

"Your hair. It's gone" he stated. Regulus raised his eyebrows. Where the last time James had seen Regulus, the boy still had his long curls, the curls were now only visible on top of his head, sides shaved.

"Really? Hadn't noticed" he sighed. James bit his lip, stupid comment.

"I like it" he said quickly to which Regulus turned red and looked away quickly.

"Thanks I guess" he mumbled. James bit his lip and hesitated for a second.

"A-are you free right now?" he asked. Regulus looked up at him with a questioning look.

"I guess" he said, "why?" James took a deep breath.

"I'm allowed to skate again so I wanted to ask if, maybe, you wanted to be the first one to skate with me? Since, you know, I don't know. I just want it to be you and-" James was rambling, he knew this and so he shut his mouth mid sentence, cussing himself out for letting himself go like that.

"Why don't you ask your friends? I'm sure my brother would be thrilled" Regulus said sarcastically but James shook his head.

"Don't get me wrong, I love Sirius and Peter, but the words 'slowly' and 'carefully' don't exist in their dictionary and I am not looking to get injured again already" James explained. Regulus looked at him and James saw the corners of his mouth turning up just the slightest bit.

"Who says I will be careful with you?" he asked with a bitter tone in his voice. James shrugged, he had no evidence to back up his claim, but he just felt he was right.

"Alright, sure" Regulus sighed after a short silence between them. James jumped up and wrapped his arms around Regulus.

"Thank you thank you thank you" he yelled out. Regulus quickly pushed him away, a gesture which made James doubt himself. Did Regulus know James liked him? Was he weirded out by it? Was that the reason he had not seen him all week? Had he done something wrong? His thoughts kept spinning and running in circles. Regulus had let go of his mean attitude around him, and now it was back?

"I'll eh, I'll go get my skates" James said awkwardly. Regulus sighed deep, like he did not want to be there at all.

"Yeah, me too" he said. James looked him straight in the eye.

"Look, if you don't want to come, you don't have to. I just enjoy your company, alright?" he said. Regulus broke the eye contact to stare down at the ground.

"Why would you enjoy my company? I'm mean to you" he said. James let out a high pitched laugh.

"Oh believe me, I don't mind you being mean to me at all. I rather like it" he said. You could burn me to the ground and I'd still thank you.

Regulus let out a huff.

"Sure" And with that he walked away, to his dorm to grab his stuff. James did the same and it felt so good to finally put on some of his hockey gear again. He was glad Sirius was not in their room, running in to them now would ruin his plans. Of course James loved his best friend, but sometimes they were a bit much. He really wanted his moment to be his. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new day to call Peter, a new day to practice with the boys, but today was his and his only. Well, his and Regulus' of course. Regulus. James couldn't seem to find the strength to stay away from the boy. This was not what he had planned, he was set on spending the first time on the ice on his own, but when he looked into Regulus' eyes he just could not help himself. Truly tragic. 

When he made it to the rink, Regulus was already waiting for him, checking his phone, looking very bored. 

"Ah, there you are" he sighed, "Well, let's go in, shall we?" James nodded and followed the smaller boy, dressed in all black, except for the skates flung over his shoulder. His skates were Snow White. 

James knew you did not just unlearn ice skating, but he was still scared he would have forgotten how to do it. All his worries vanished the moment his blade hit the ice, though. Even though his leg gave a slight push back, he felt the freedom he always felt when he was skating. He struggled a bit to make some speed, a small voice in the back of his head holding him back. Something about being back at the place where he got so badly injured over a month ago. Still, the ice was freeing, like he had broken free from a curse. He felt light and heavy at the same time. He was very aware he wasn't as graceful as Regulus, but he still felt like he was flying. It became clear after a few laps what Frank had meant when he said he wasn't sure if James would ever completely recover and get back to the level he was on before his accident. Each lap started taking a toll on his leg and after about ten rounds he had to sit down. Regulus looked at him with a concerned frown. He had not set foot on the ice yet, he had just been watching James from the side line. 

"How do you feel?" he asked. James grinned up at him. 

"Mentally? Great, fantastic. Physically? Not so great" he answered honestly. Regulus grimaced. 

"You call this being careful?" he asked. 

"I only did a few laps" James shrugged which made Regulus shake his head. 

"Yeah, at high speed" he sighed. This time it was James' turn to shake his head. 

"It wasn't high speed, though. There was something holding me back, like a little voice in my head telling me I'll get injured again, you know?" he explained. Regulus rolled his eyes.

"We call that a trauma response, James" he said. James frowned. 

"But I'm not traumatized" he grumbled. Regulus sat down next to him and offered him his water bottle. 

"If you say so mate" he said. Mate. Friend. James, pick yourself up. James, let it go. You are just his friend. Nothing more. Never will be. 

"James. James, you're staring" James blinked a few times. 

"Am not" 

"Are too" 

"Maybe you are just nice to stare at" James shrugged eventually. He had been staring, obviously. Regulus just rolled his eyes, like usual. 

"Wanna try again? Slowly this time?" Regulus asked and James got up eagerly. He took the hand Regulus held out to him and let the smaller boy lead him onto the ice. He kept holding on to Regulus' hand as they slowly started skating around the rink. Regulus didn't let go either. 

•••

Regulus could swear he still felt the burning of James' hand hours later, when they had both gone back to their dorms and he was listening to Remus and Pandora bickering like a married couple. Regulus pretended to be listening, but he couldn't get himself to be interested in anything science related. Unless it was the chemistry between him and James, how cliche, of course. James liked it when Regulus was mean to him. James wanted to skate with Regulus. James had been staring at Regulus. But James was straight, right? 

"No he's not. Anyways-" Remus said. Regulus blinked a few times. 

"Sorry, did I say that out loud?" he asked confused and ashamed. 

"You did. It's alright, we get it. He is cute" Pandora said. 

"He's not straight? How do you know?" Regulus turned to Remus. 

"He told me?" his friend said with a questioning tone. 

"He did? When? Why? How?" Regulus rambled. Remus laughed out loud. 

"You're a mess. He told me when I asked him about his break up with Lily." 

"I mean, it's pretty obvious, don't you think?" Pandora frowned. Regulus turned to her. 

"Obvious? Are you kidding me?" he yelled out. 

"Wait, you really thought James was straight?" Maybe he didn't. Maybe, deep down, Regulus had suspected James Potter was not heterosexual. But it was wrong to just assume these kinds of things about people, right? But had he not snapped at James for assuming he was anything but straight just weeks prior? Maybe Regulus just wanted James to be straight, because then that would just be the excuse for why all of this was stupid. Why his feelings were stupid. Now James just was not into him because he sucked. Because Regulus would never be good enough for anyone. He was the lonely poet where he wanted to be the mighty soldier or the powerful king. He was nothing. 

"I eh, I have somewhere to be" he lied, getting up from his bed and slipping into his sneakers. He had nowhere to be and had no idea where he was going to go. He was too scared to go into town, scared of running into his mother. He was too scared to come near the wing where James' dorm was located and he didn't dare to go to the great hall. And so he went for a run. The skating from earlier and the lack of food in his body fought against this idea, but his mind was all set. He would just make small round around campus. He would be back in what, half an hour? Nothing to intensive. At least, that was the plan. Regulus found himself off campus, somewhere he had not gone before. The running was great, the freedom, the speed, the pain. The aftermath was bad. He had no idea where he was and it was getting darker and darker. His friends were probably getting ready to grab some drinks later and his phone battery was dying. Regulus hated admitting he was scared, being scared meant you were weak and mother taught him better than that. Never show your weaknesses. Regulus opened google maps and started heading in the direction of the town, where there would definitely be at least someone he knew. There must be. He was tired and sweaty and he felt a bit dysphoric in his tight sports clothes, though at the moment he felt dysphoric in almost everything. Blame Walburga. He could call Remus, but he would get a bit too concerned and go all 'dad' on him, which meant no drinks for Regulus tonight, so Remus was not an option. Maybe Pandora? She was a bit too floaty for his liking. He couldn't always understand her train of thoughts and that frustrated him. Evan? Barty? Too pushy. Probably already drunk. Sirius? No, they weren't back to this level yet. The was only one more person Regulus could think of, someone who had been in the back of his mind the entire time, floating on his own personal cloud, rushing through all the other thoughts. 

"Hello?" 

"James. It's Regulus"

"Yes, I can see that. Why are you calling?" 

"I'm not sure where I am. Can I send you my location and can you come and pick me up?" 

"..."

"Please?" 

"Are you drunk?" 

"Not yet" 

"Alright, send me your location"

Regulus' heart was racing. He wasn't sure how he had come to the conclusion James would be the best person to call, but part of him was glad he did. James felt safe, even if he would be overly concerned. At least he would not out it like Remus would.

Regulus' phone battery had died when the headlights of James' car almost blinded him. He was sitting on the slightly wet ground, on a group of small rocks. 

"God, it's freezing, what are you doing here" James said when he got out of the car and helped Regulus up. 

"I went for a run" Regulus shrugged. James raised his eyebrows and pulled Regulus into a hug in attempt to warm him just a little and this time Regulus did not push him away. James' body heat was nice, he had to admit it. 

"Alright, get in the car" James sighed, placing himself behind the steering wheel. Regulus crawled into the passenger seat and took a deep breath. James' car smelled nice, like flowers. Air freshener flowers, not real flowers. 

"What were you thinking? And why couldn't you run back?" James asked. He tried his best not to sound too annoyed but his hands were clasped around the steering wheel and Regulus saw his knuckles turning white. 

"Nothing. I wasn't thinking, I was running. And my phone died, last thing I could do was call someone" Regulus said. He was getting more and more unsure about his decision. 

"So you called me? Why?" James asked. Regulus tried to ignore the slightly bitter tone in which he spoke and told himself James was just tired. 

"Because. Just because, okay? You can drop me at the side of the road if I'm being that much of a bother" Regulus snapped. He had not meant to snap, but sometimes he could simply not control his emotions nor his voice. Too his surprise James did indeed stop the car, but instead of demanding Regulus to get out, he placed his hand on Regulus' head and ruffled his hair. 

"You're not a bother, okay? I was just in the middle of getting ready for getting drinks which, between the two of us, I was absolutely not looking forward to, so now I have a perfect little excuse not to drink tonight" James explained. 

"Sorry I snapped at you" Regulus said. It was insane how nervous he got around James. Insane and a little bit pathetic. 

"It's alright, I promise. Now, let's get you something to eat, alright?" James sighed. Regulus nodded and stared out the window as James pulled back onto the road and as he looked for a parking place in the quickly filling student town. The bars were slowly but surely getting more and more packed and Regulus felt ashamed for his outfit. 

"You can borrow my sweatshirt" James said when he found a parking space. He leaned back to grab the piece of clothing from the back seat and Regulus did his absolute best not to stare at the exposed skin from his shirt creeping up. James handed him the sweater and Regulus put it on, his cheeks burning. 

"Thanks" he muttered. 

"Ah, no biggie" James winked and Regulus just about lost it. He got out of the car as fast as he could and slammed the door just a little harder than needed. 

"I'll text Remus you're with me, alright?" James said and Regulus nodded. He followed James to a smaller bar, one he had not been at before, but James seemed to know exactly where they were headed. 

"Marls!" he yelled and waved at someone behind he bar. Regulus followed his gaze and found Marlene working, her long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and a dishcloth over her shoulder. 

"James! Reg!" she squealed when they sat down at the bar. 

"Busy tonight?" James asked with a smile and Marlene sighed. 

"You don't want to know. What can I get for the two of you? First round is on me" she said with a wink. 

"Some fries and eh, what do you want? Are fries alright?" James turned to Regulus. 

"Fries are fine. I'll have a mojito with that" Regulus told Marlene. She nodded and turned back to James. 

"And for you?" she asked. James held up his car keys and Marlene rolled her eyes. She went to the back for just a second and came back with a plate of steaming hot fries, which she placed in front of them before mixing up the cocktail for Regulus. He knew it was a bad idea to drink right now, but nobody was stopping him and he was not about to stop himself, so who cared? He was with people, he was not drinking on his own. Besides, he had fries. He was getting food into his body, right? Nothing to worry about. Marlene placed his drink in front of him, dropping a colorful straw into the glass and opened up a beer for herself. 

"You drink during work?" James asked. Marlene shrugged. 

"Who cares. Fuck capitalism and all that" she laughed, this was clearly not her first beer. Despite the fries, the alcohol did its work pretty quickly. Regulus was not even thinking about the greasy fries anymore, he was just shoving them back while James watched him. He ordered a second cocktail with protest from James and watched as James' friends came in. First Peter, then Sirius and Dorcas. Sirius made a comment about James being here with his baby brother, but all Regulus could do was giggling like a teenage girl. James did not let him order a third cocktail so Regulus lied to Sirius and told him it would only be his second when James went to the bathroom. Marlene gave him a wink as she slid the refilled glass back over the counter. Regulus was genuinely having a good time and if he wasn't, he was too drunk to think about it. He also ate another plate of fries, after James found out Sirius bought him a third cocktail, but Regulus didn't care. He shoved back the fries like he had not eaten properly in days and, you know, maybe that was also true. He danced with Sirius just for fun, then he danced with Dorcas because Marlene had to stay behind the bar so the did not have a dance partner. He helped Sirius setting Peter up with a girl from their school, Sybil and finally he danced with James before he and Sirius went out for a smoke break. Regulus awkwardly sat down on one of the high bar stools again and watched Peter trying to impress Sybil. Regulus felt giggly and unstable and hot. James' sweater was really warm. He pushed through the crowd of people until he was outside and leaned his back and head against the wall. 

"Hey pretty boy, are you okay?" Regulus jumped up from the voice, scared someone was about to attack him, but he burst out in giggles when he saw James looking down at him. 

"Yes darling" he said mockingly. 

"You're not going to throw up?" James asked suspiciously but Regulus shook his head. 

"Okay, that's good. Is there anything you need?" Regulus stopped giggling and looked up at James. He was so handsome, his hair was all fluffy and his glasses had slid down on his nose from sweating and looking down. 

"Yes" Regulus said, straightening his back. His brain was one big cloud, everything was filled with fog, everything but one thought. 

"I need you to kiss me." The words had left his lips before he knew it or could think it over. James blinked a few times. 

"What?" he asked blankly. Regulus sighed deep and moved his body weight to the point of his toes. He could still barely reach James' lips, but the tall boy was still looking down, just enough for Regulus to come close enough. He pressed his lips against James, who froze for just a second, causing panic to spread through Regulus' entire body immediately. He pulled back and stumbled a few steps back, as far as he could. 

"God, I'm- I am so sorry. I don-" he was cut off by James leaning down, pulling him in, pressing his lips against Regulus'. This time both of them gave in to the kiss. It was soft and gentle. James wrapped his arm around Regulus' waist and slipped the other one behind his neck. Regulus placed his hand in James' hair. The soft and gentle slowly turned into a bit more rough and passionate. Regulus felt like he was breathing for the first time since he arrived at this college. James kissed him as if he would die if he didn't. The time seemed to have stopped and Regulus gasped for air when James softly pressed him up against the wall. His knees were weak but James' strong arms held him up. After a bit the kiss just naturally broke up and Regulus gasped for air before turning to the side. 

"I'm going to be sick" he mumbled before puking out everything left in his stomach. 

•••

James was trying his best not to panic. The kiss had been great, awesome, better than anything he could have dreamt off, but he couldn't shake the feeling he had used Regulus. There was a clear imbalance, Regulus was drunk, James was stone cold sober. He had taken advantage of the younger boy. What would he say when tomorrow, when he had sobered up properly? What would Sirius say if he found out? James followed Regulus' example in throwing up, he was so nervous and he regretted the kiss. He didn't regret kissing Regulus, he regretted the part where Regulus was very much gone, not thinking clearly. He had been the one asking for James to kiss him, but like stated before, Regulus was not thinking straight. This was bad, very bad. 

"Can you bring me back to my dorm, pretty please?" Regulus asked. He was leaning against the wall again, looking as pretty as ever, just a bit more pale. 

"Yes. Sure. Alright" James nodded. He had not had a single drop of alcohol, but still his mind was like one big goo. He said goodbye to his friends, told them he'd see them tomorrow and walked Regulus to his car. 

"No throwing up inside" he said before unlocking it. Regulus nodded and clumsily got into the passenger seat. The ride back was quiet. Regulus was humming a song under his breath, completely zoned out and James tried his best to keep focussing on the road. 

The air was unpleasantly cold when they got out of the car and James went to grab his sweater from the backseat, but then was reminded of the fact Regulus was wearing that. The younger boy was half asleep and had to lean on James the entire way from the parkingklot to his dorm room. 

"Keys" James said, holding out his hand for Regulus to hand him the key. The badly lit hallway made it difficult even for James to open the door, and was pulled inside by Regulus when he did. 

"Please stay" Regulus whispered. 

"I can't, Reg. Remus will come back tonight and Sirius would be furious" James sighed. Regulus rolled his eyes. 

"Screw them" he said and fumbled to get his shoe off. James dropped down to his knees to help him untie his laces and looked away as Regulus changed into his PJ's. 

"Alright. Goodnight Reg. I'll see you tomorrow" James said which made Regulus pout. 

"I want you to stay" he whined. 

"I can't. You're drunk, you're just going to regret it" James said. He wanted to stay, of course. He wanted to stay so badly, but it was a terrible idea. James should have left right there and then. He should not have helped Regulus with plugging his phone into the charger and he should not have helped Regulus with brushing his teeth. But James was stupid so he did not leave and just like that he ended up in Regulus' bed again. Regulus was pulling one of James' curls, while James was staring at Regulus like he was magic. And he was, he was magic. Regulus was the closest thing to magic anyone would ever get and James felt so lucky and warm for being one of the few who got to experience Regulus' magic. His guilt had not left him, though and he was very conscious about the fact he was sober and Regulus was not. He wanted to kiss Regulus again, but that was just the worst idea. 

"I really like you James" Regulus slurred. James laughed a soft laugh. 

"Yea?" he said. Regulus nodded. 

"You're like, the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I really, really, really like you. I also still hate you, though. Like, fuck you James. I hate you so much, I'm in fucking love with you" Regulus mumbled. James sat up in an instant. Drunk words, sober thoughts? I'm in love with you. The words cut into James' thoughts like knives. Regulus was not going to remember telling James this tomorrow, was he? 

"I- I think its time for you to go to bed, darling" James said quickly. 

"Mmh, yes I like it when you call me darling" Regulus hummed, closing his eyes. James said nothing, just bit his lip. He stayed with Regulus until he was properly asleep, stroking his hair as he did so and then snuck back to his room. Sirius was not back yet and James blessed the lord for that. He needed to be alone with his thoughts. That was a complete lie, James shouldn't be alone, but he needed to be. Any more company would just make his brain explode. 

I hate you so much, I'm in love with you. 

Fuck. What the fuck. James wasn't even sure why he was freaking out about it. Maybe because it felt like a secret he wasn't supposed to know? Why didn't he say anything back. 

I'm so head over heals in love with you too, Regulus.  It would have been so easy, but then once again, Regulus had probably not meant to say it out loud and would probably forget it tomorrow. He felt bad for the boy and the headache he was about to have. 

James could still feel Regulus' lips on his. They fitted so well together. He slowly but surely got ready for bed. Changed into his sleep shirt, brushed his teeth, removed his glasses, turned off the light. 

I hate you so much, I'm in love with you. 

Chapter Text

{sunday, February 19}

Something was missing when Regulus woke up, but he couldn't quite place what it was. It took some yawning and getting used to the light to realize he was missing the warmth of another body. He didn't remember much about the night before except the unholy amount of fries he had eaten, throwing up and kissing James Potter. Hold up, kissing James motherfucking Potter? Regulus sat up in an instant and immediately the headache kicked in. Bad, bad, bad. This was bad. Was it? They had been drunk, didn't really count. Fuck. James had been sober, he had driven the car. What else had Regulus done? But no matter how hard he thought about it, his mind blanked after the kiss. He vaguely remembered getting in the car, but that's it. It was a very frustrating feeling, not knowing what had happened. All he knew is the memory on his body from another body against his, a body that belonged to James Potter. Where had he gone? When had he left? Had he slept there? Regulus looked to the side to ask Remus, but Remus wasn't there. He let out a frustrated groan and let his head fall back onto his pillow. He was never drinking again. He did manage to drag himself out of bed eventually though, and after downing a pair of painkillers and a glass of water, he went down to the great hall for breakfast. None of his friends were there, which didn't surprise him. James and his lot were probably at the rink, Remus was probably at the library and god knows where Evan and Barty might be. It was late in the morning, bordering midday and there was almost no food left. The cafeteria ladies had started cleaning, emptying out the big metal boxes in which they kept food warm, preparing them for dinner, so Regulus grabbed himself an apple and a bottle of juice. A nice balance with the greasy fries from the night before. He sat down in a far corner of the big space, as far away from everyone as possible and blessed the lord for the painkillers that slowly started doing their job. His moment of quiet and peace was short lived though. No more than two minutes later, Lily Evans slid down on the bench across him. Her red hair was pulled back into a tight bun at the back of her head and her freckles became more noticeable every day, now that the sun was starting to shine more and more. She looked effortlessly pretty as ever and Regulus felt a kind of envy for her. He couldn't describe it, really, but there was just something about her. 

"Hello" Regulus grumbled. His hang over was killing him and spending the morning with Lily was the last thing he could have imagined. What was she even doing here? His question was answered within seconds.

"I heard something" she said. Regulus looked up at her and frowned.

"Okay?" he said. He had a feeling where this was going, he just hoped he was wrong. 

"You snogged James last night" Lily said. There it was. Regulus did his best not to roll his eyes.

"And? He's not your boyfriend anymore" Regulus said. Lily turned red.

"I know. But I do care about him" she shot back.

"I was drunk" Regulus sighed. 

"So? Do you mean you didn't want to? Because if that's the case, fuck you" said Lily. 

"Why do you care, Lily? This is not my problem. I was drunk, I wasn't thinking, and even if I did want to, I wouldn't tell you" Regulus snapped. Lily raised her hands in the air. 

"God, calm down" she murmured.

"I'm fucking hungover and this little conversation is not really helping, Evans" Regulus sighed, taking a sip of his juice. 

"Please just, don't hurt him, alright? It is obvious he likes you, like, a lot and I don't want to see him heartbroken again" Lily said. Regulus almost choked on his sip. The idea of James liking him seemed so surrealistic and deranged, he must have misheard Lily. 

"He does what now?" Regulus asked unsure. Lily rolled her eyes at him. 

"I fucking hate gay people" she murmured, "He likes you. He really does, so don't go and fuck this up, Regulus." 

"It was only a kiss" Regulus said, denying whatever Lily just said. 

"See? This is exactly what I mean. Don't do that. You know it wasn't." 

"Evans, we're not friends, you don't know me as well as you think you do. I don't like James and-" he began, but Lily cut him off. 

"Yes you do. Now shut the fuck up, here they come" she said, eying the entrance of the great hall. Regulus followed her gaze and a group of boys had just entered. They were chatting loudly, joking around, pushing one another from side to side, the typical things you'd expect from a group of hockey players. Amongst the boys were, of course, James and Sirius. Regulus saw how James excused himself and walked over to where he and Lily were sitting. His hair was wet, he had probably just showered. He was with the hockey team, which meant he had probably done a more intense training than suitable for his leg, but this was James Potter we were talking about, nobody had expected anything else. 

"Hi" James smiled when he reached their table. 

"Hi" Lily and Regulus said in unison, as if they had not just been talking about James. 

"I eh, wanted to talk to you, actually" James said, facing Regulus. Regulus felt himself turning red, fidgeting with his hands. 

"A-alright" Regulus stuttered. James looked at him expectantly and Regulus realised he wanted him to follow him. He clumsily got up, very much aware of Lily staring at him, a look in her eyes that told a thousand words. James stood behind her, so he could not see her expression. Regulus let his gaze flicker over to her for a second, trying to shrug her off, but her words stayed in his head. 

James likes you. Don't break his heart. Don't hurt him. 

He followed James out of the hall as his nerves grew and grew. When they had found a quiet spot James stopped him and looked at him as if he was about to break down. Regulus could relate to that. 

"I eh, I wanted to apologise" James said. Regulus' heart dropped to his stomach. Apologize? That was the last thing he would have expected. 

"Apologise?" he repeated James' words. James nodded. 

"Yes. For, last night. I'm not sure if you remember?" James paused, waiting for Regulus to give him a sign. 

"Yeah, eh, I do" he said nervously. James swallow and nervously played with the string of his hoodie. 

"Okay, yeah, I'm sorry for that. You were drunk, very drunk and I just, took advantage of that. I shouldn't have kissed you, I'm so very sorry" James rambled. Regulus heart sunk even deeper down, if that was even possible. James was regretting kissing him. 

"Pff, don't worry, it was just a kiss" Regulus said, repeating the same thing he had said to Lily. 

•••

James looked down at his feet, his heart sinking down to his feet. Yes, just a kiss. But what about  I hate you so much, I'm in love with you. James was almost a hundred percent positive Regulus had forgotten about that. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, a lie formed by his drunken mind. Was that a thing? Probably, seeing how cool Regulus was being about kissing him now. Still, James felt guilty, as if he had used Regulus. 

"Yeah, just a kiss. Still, you were drunk, I was not, I'm sorry. Should not have happened" James said, clearing his throat. Regulus shrugged. 

"Forgiven and forgotten" he said. James clenched his hand to a fist, digging his nails into the palm of his hand. Forgiven and forgotten. James wished he were not such a coward, he wished he could just tell Regulus how he felt, right there and there. It had been so easy with Lily, he had started declaring his feelings for her the day he met her. But this wasn't Lily, this was Regulus and James felt he had to be a lot more careful with Regulus, like he could break at any minute, leave at the smallest misstep. Maybe he felt this way because it was this way with Sirius and though neither of them would ever admit it, Regulus and Sirius were pretty alike. James had learned to deal with Sirius and his disorders, just as Sirius had learned to deal with James', but just because it worked like that for Sirius, did mean it worked the same way with Regulus. James felt like he did not know Regulus well enough just yet. 

"Was that all?" asked Regulus. James blinked a few times, he had forgotten Regulus was actually there. 

"I guess" he replied sheepishly. Regulus gave him a small smile. 

"Great. I'll see you later" he said. 

"Yeah, yeah I'll see you later" James breathed. He watched Regulus leave and turned back to the great hall himself, where the rest of the team was still waiting on him. Maybe he had gone a bit overboard with joining in on today's hockey training, but he couldn't resist, it had simply been too long since he had played with the team. He was half regretting his choices now, though. His leg hurt like hell and playing the actual game gave him some slight flashbacks, which was absolutely wonderful of course. 

"What did you need little Reggie for" Sirius asked him, slight suspicion in his tone. James waved his words out of the air. 

"Just asking about something, don't worry about it" he lied. Sirius would kill him if he found out James had kissed Sirius' little brother. It was fair, but also not. It was not like James could control who he did and did not love. 

"Okay" Sirius said, "We're going out later, you in? We're walking, so no need to hold back on drinking." It felt a bit peer pressure-ish, the way Sirius brought it, as if James had to drink, but James knew they did not mean it like that. 

"Yeah, yeah sure" he agreed. Sirius smiled. 

"Great. My brother is not invited" they said. James' eyes flickered over Sirius' face, wondering if they knew something. They must, judging by the passive aggressive way they delivered the statement. 

"Okay?" James said, as if he had no idea what Sirius was on about. Sirius leaned a little closer to him, so that the rest of the team could not catch his words. 

"I have no idea what you're playing at, hanging out with Regulus, picking him up when he calls you, staring at him whenever he is near and whatsoever, but get it out of your head, mate. You deserve better, he'll just leave you, hurt you. And besides, he's my little brother, it's just weird" Sirius whispered in James' ear. A shiver went down his spine. He felt bad for going behind his best friends back like this, but there was no way he was getting Regulus out of his head. On the contrary even, James was already trying to come up with an excuse to hang with Regulus later. He could just ask him on a proper date, right? But he didn't want to scare Regulus off and he had no idea what he liked besides skating and getting drunk. 

"What? Oh, yeah, nothing going on. Your brother and all, weird" James mumbled absently. Peter had also caught onto the conversation now. 

"What? We talking about Regulus? I think you should just go for it, Jame. It is obvious he likes you" Peter said. Sirius gasped. 

"Pete! Don't encourage him. Besides, there is nothing going on between them" he said. Peter raised his eyebrows. 

"Padfoot, I love you, but standing in the way of your best friends love life is not cool. He's a grown man, can make choices of his own. You're not entitled to holding Prongs back just because he is into your little brother" he said. James opened his mouth to defend himself, but Sirius was faster. 

"Wormie, I'm simply saying Regulus would not be good for our Prongs" they said. Peter shook his head. 

"I'm afraid it's not our place to decide that" he said. 

"Who even said I like Regulus" James said, maybe just a little too loud. The team fell silent and stared at him for a second. Peter motioned they should stop listening to what they were talking about and slowly they all returned to their own conversations. 

"Prongs, we have eyes. You do. You like him, he likes you, what's stopping you" Peter sighed. 

"Regulus does not-" Sirius said but Peter cut him off. 

"Don't lie to yourself, Siri. Just pay a little more attention next time. I know you don't want it to be true, but that doesn't meant it isn't true." Sirius sighed, pouted and crossed his arms, like a small child not getting their way. 

"Okay, I'm done with this conversation now" James said, getting up and grabbing his bag, "I'll see you all at dinner." He didn't want Sirius to tell him what he could and could not do, though he did know where he was coming from. And Peter telling him it was obvious Regulus liked him... Everything was so confusing. No, wait, Regulus was so confusing. All he did way play with James' feelings, as if his heart were the strings on a guitar. He probably wasn't even doing it on purpose. Regulus probably had no idea how much James liked him, how it felt like the air was being sucked out of his body every time they touched, how his heart was beating in his throat when caught as much of a glimpse of him. Yes, James was yearning for Regulus. He wanted to see him, talk to him, be with him. 

Wanna go skate? Or just like, hang out? He texted the younger boy, but the message never delivered. James tried calling, but it went straight to voicemail. Had Regulus blocked him? He tried calling again, sent another row of text messages, but nothing. He waited it out, all day, until he eventually decided it would be best to just knock on his dorm and find out where he was. Maybe Remus knew. But when James got there, the door was slightly open and Remus wasn't in. James pushed the door slightly more open, curiosity getting the best of him. Remus' side of the room was messy, but on the other side, Regulus' half looked like no one lived there. The bed was empty, there were no bags, no clothes, no skates, no charging cables, no sign of life. Nothing at all. It was as if Regulus had never existed in this room, even his smell was gone. James closed the door behind him, his heart beating fast. Where had Regulus gone? Had something bad happened? Was it his mother? 

James had decided to just wait it out, see if he could catch Regulus anywhere, called every day, but mid February quickly turned into the end of February, which turned into the beginning of March and before he knew it it was only weeks till his birthday. James tried asked Remus, but Remus didn't know where Regulus had gone, had not had any contact with him, his number, too, seemed to be blocked. Sirius and James spent evenings trying to track him down in some way, but they had nothing to go off. McGonagall said she could not give away private information and god, they even tried calling Narcissa, but she had not heard from him either. James was scared it was his fault, but if it had been his fault, why would Regulus have cut contact with all of the outside world? Remus and Sirius had come to the conclusion Regulus was probably back at his parents house, Walburga must have pulled him out of school.

"How can she do that? He's twenty" James had said. Sirius had shrugged with a sad look in his eyes. 

"Walburga has more power than a regular person has. Blacks always get their way" he had explained. And that was it, there was nothing more they could do. You didn't just barge into Grimmauld place 12, the same way you didn't just get out of there, not really. Sirius was confident his parents would find a way to make him stay if he ever went near that house again. Weeks had gone by since the disappearance of Regulus and James had trouble eating and sleeping, he was so worried. He missed Regulus and he was angry at Walburga. 

On March tenth James tried calling again, for the umpteenth time, but something had changed. The number was no longer in service. James resisted the strong urge to throw his phone across the room and woke up Sirius instead. 

"His phone number is no longer in service" James said. Sirius sat up, sleep still in his eyes. 

"What day is it?" he asked. 

"March tenth" James answered. Sirius gasped loudly and slapped their hand in front of their mouth. 

"It's Remus' birthday, I completely forgot" he said. James frowned. 

"Shit, is it?"

•••

{Friday, March 10}

Remus could barely even get out of bed on the morning of his birthday. Sirius and James had stopped by to wish him a happy birthday, asking if he wanted to hang out with them later that day, as if they had not been doing that everyday since Regulus disappeared. He had a text from both Evan and Barty, congratulating him, but Remus could not seem to find the joy in today. He was upset Regulus couldn't be here, it felt like just another regular day in the slur. Nothing festive about your best friend being missing, no way to contact him whatsoever. He tried, though. Remus tried to put together a nice outfit and wear a friendly smile, thank whoever congratulated him, unwrapped the book Barty and Evan got him, ate the cake Pandora baked. They all felt it, of course, Regulus' absence, and for a moment it felt as if he had died. Remus tried to block out the thoughts that told him that was also an option. No it wasn't, Regulus wasn't dead, Walburga just found her way to get a hold of him. 

It was at the late afternoon when Remus received a mail from an address he didn't recognize. He was supposed to get ready to go out with his friends, birthday distraction, but he opened the mail, expecting it to be some kind of spam ending up in the wrong inbox. It wasn't.

Dear Remus, 

Happy birthday. I'm safe, I finally found a way to contact you. Mother got me to block everyone and then got me a new phone. In the house I could not risk trying to contact you in any way, mother tracking everything that I do on the internet at all times, but here, in the hospital, I am free to do as I please. Don't worry, I'm not going to die, I just have to stay here for a bit, got some doctors and therapists doing all kinds of tests, but I am sort of free here. Might finally get meds I need and all. I want you to know mother has not kidnapped me, and I say this truthfully. It was partly my own choice, I could have denied her when she called, but I was in some kind of episode, needed to get out of that school, away from, well, you know. I admit going home was not the best option, I could have done better, I know. I'm sorry if I worried you.

Again, happy birthday old man.

Please don't mail back and please do not try and visit me.

R.A.B.

Remus' breath stalked in his throat, his heart was banging in his chest. He got up from the ground, where he had sat down to read the E-mail, and hurried over to Sirius and James' dorm. He met them halfway through the hall. 

"It's Regulus he-" yelled Remus, out of breath. 

"In the hospital at home, yeah" Sirius replied. It seemed all three of them had gotten an email. 

"We're going, right?" Remus asked. 

"How do we know which hospital it is?" James asked. 

"Oh, I think I've got an idea" Sirius said. 

"Okay, yeah. I've got a car" James offered. 

"Are we going right now?" Sirius asked. Remus and James both nodded violently. Nothing felt more important than his best friend right now. 

•••

{Sunday, February 19, afternoon} 

Sitting in the back of Kreachers car was exactly like Regulus remembered it. Kreacher was the only person in the house he could trust, who accepted him for who he was, except when Walburga was around, because Walburga was in control. So sitting in the backseat of the car, Walburga and Kreacher in front of him, felt as unsafe as ever. However, Regulus didn't care about unsafe. He'd take unsafe over staying at that school, near James any day. Regulus didn't feel bad, on the contrary. He felt great, running away from his problems again. All McGonagall had needed from him was a signature and he was free. His room was emptied out in less than half an hour, just enough time for Kreacher to get there. And yes, he felt unsafe, but he wasn't scared. He wasn't crying like a child or regretting his choices. He was just sitting there, smiling, staring out of the window. He had no one to text, his mother had taken his phone and blocked all his contacts, but that was alright. The first step to a new life was starting over, new friends, new people to surround him with. He'd make those later. Later, when he was at a new school, when he didn't have to be home, but also not at his old school. He didn't want any reminders of the past. He was content as it was. 

{Tuesday, February 21} 

Regulus was not content at all. He had no idea when his mother would allow him to go back to college, for now she wanted to home school him again. He was completely cut from the outside world and he missed his friends. He missed Remus, he missed Evan, he missed Barty, he missed Pandora, he missed Sirius, and most of all, he missed James. On Sunday he had thought being away from James might make him feel better, help him forget all of it, but of course that was not how feelings worked. The episode he had been in on Sunday and Monday had worn off and he was now back to just feeling very numb. His mother wasn't really physically abusing him, but every move he made was being watched and judged. Regulus had no way of contacting the outside world and was slowly going insane in his childhood home. Time went by very slowly, though he spent most of his time in his fathers library. His father was home at all times, he was sick, couldn't get out of bed and Regulus had started wondering if Walburga had any fault in this. She herself was home as much as possible, to keep an eye on Regulus, shooting as many curses at him as she could think off. Verbal harassment didn't really get to him anymore. 

{Thursday, March 2} 

Regulus had been having bad nightmares again. The numbness in his body had turned into an intense feeling of loneliness. He was scared and felt fragile, like he could break any second. He had started hallucinating people, probably a combination from a lack of good nights sleep and a bad diet. He was given barely any food because Walburga said he had gained too much weight, he would never be her pretty girl like this. He didn't want to be her pretty girl, obviously. 

"I think you need these" Walburga said during dinner, sliding a small bottle of pills his direction. Regulus lifted the bottle and read the label. 

"These are your anti psychotics. I can't just take these" he said with a frown. 

"They will help you get rid of your delusions" his mother said. For a second Regulus wondered how she could have known about the hallucinations but then he realized that was not what she was talking about. She meant being trans. He didn't try to argue with her, there was no use telling her it weren't delusions, this was just who he was. He bit his cheeks and finished his last bit of mashed potatoes. Walburga dismissed him from the table and Kreacher caught his arm on his way back to his room. 

"You're not actually going to take those, are you young sir?" he asked. Regulus looked at the bottle in his hand. 

"No, no of course not. That would be stupid, they are not meant for me" he said. 

{Friday, March 3} 

Regulus felt as if he was losing his mind. The feeling of loneliness was growing and he felt like he deserved it. His mother had measured him today, he needed a new dress for some upcoming family event she was forcing him to attend. She had, of course, called him fat again and told him how ugly and unfeminine he would look in his dress with his flat chest. As if that was not the point. He felt the urge to destroy something, to hurt someone, preferably himself, since all of this was his own doing. He should not have gone home, it had been stupid. He should have used his rational thinking. He looked over to his desk, the bottle of anti psychotics untouched. 

'Take them all' a little voice in the back of his head said. It sounded uncannily much like James. 

"What?" he asked. He was going insane, he was talking out loud to a voice in his head. 

'Take them all, it would be easier for everyone, right?' the little James' voice said. Regulus shook his head. 

"I'm not sinking that deep, not again" he declared. 

{Saturday, March 4} 

Regulus' hand found the little bottle of pills and unscrewed the lid. It was almost completely full, more than enough to take him out. He looked around his dimly lit room and took a deep sigh. His mother had just left the house, Kreacher and father were home. Would they contact his friends if they found him dead? Probably not, Walburga had his phone and he doubted if it was still intact. She had probably destroyed it, along with all his pictures, contacts and apps on it. This was all her fault, really. But was it actually? Had he not brought this onto himself? He had gone back home. Maybe he should have never even left at all. Or he should have gone with Sirius when he left. Yeah, this was all Regulus' own fault. And now it was him who had to end it. He almost didn't want to do it, he didn't deserve to end his own misery. But then the voice was back, James' voice. He wanted James and he couldn't get him either way. Dying was the better option, he would find him again in a next life, Regulus was sure of it. He wished he had not ran away from school. He shook some pills into his hand. He hesitated for a second, it would be better this way. He downed the pills with a big gulp of water and after a bit he lost his balance and fell to the floor. He heard footsteps rushing on the stairs, the creaking of the wood in the hallway to his room and tugging at the door. 

"Sir? Are you okay?" Kreacher shouted at the other side of the door, but Regulus was unable to answer. He closed his eyes and fell into what felt like a deep, deep sleep.

{Wednesday, March 8} 

Regulus had been in the hospital for a few days now, only one and a half of which conscious. There were doctors rushing in and out the room all day, a therapist who tried talking to him, his mother who gave him a new phone and pretended to be worried when people were around but turned into her absolute bitchass self once they were alone. Shouting at him how he disgraced the family, telling him she did not have time for this, that she did not have time for him to need therapy. But when she wasn't there, Regulus felt free. Besides the fact he was being fed by a tube and all the noises around him drove him crazy, he was more free than he had been in weeks. Kreacher also came to visit him, he felt like a bit of a father figure in this situation. Regulus learned Kreacher had been there just in time to get him to the hospital, something Regulus was not sure if he was grateful for or the opposite. Kreacher did manage to keep Walburga out of the hospital as much as possible, something Regulus was grateful for. He helped Regulus set up his phone when he was not being investigated by doctors who seemed to find about a hundred things wrong with his body and his mind. It was tiring, honestly, but Regulus had to find away to contact his friends. They had to know he was safe. 

It was one of the therapists who came up with the idea of an E-mail address. He could just delete the mail app after he was done. He felt stupid for not coming up with the idea himself, but then again, his brain was like pudding still and his thoughts and memories were all over the place, some merging with others who had nothing to do with one another, but there was nothing Regulus could do against it. He just had to 'wait it out' as the doctors had told him. 

{Friday, March 10}

Today was Remus' birthday. Regulus had no idea how he had managed to remember that, but he had. Today would be a good day to send out the mails. He had all three of them written down already, making the last minute change of urging them not to come and visit him. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to see them. Even if he did, it wasn't safe. He used their school mails and during late afternoon he finally dared to press send. He then quickly removed the app from his phone, also deleting it from his cloud. Walburga could never find out he contacted anyone. 

"Please, I'm his brother, I need to see him" Sirius' voice woke up Regulus. He sat up in an instant and stared into the darkness. The light from the hospital hallway was visible through the tiny window in the door. 

"It's ten in the evening, visiting hours are long over boys" a tired nurse sounded. Regulus bit his lip. These god damn fools, he should have seen it coming. Of course they were going to find him and visit him. He slipped his feet into the slippers next to his bed and looked down at his pajama's. He was wearing a shirt way too big for him and no pants, just his boxer shorts. He sighed, it would have to do. He shuffled through the dark to the door and opened it. The nurse turned around with a sorry look on her face. 

"I told them to leave, I'm sorry if I have woken you up. Would you like me to call your mother?" she said. Regulus shook his head. 

"Please don't call my mother" he said. This was the nurse Walburga had convinced she had no idea where Regulus had gotten those pills. They weren't hers, of course they weren't. She was a great mom, she would never let her kids near anything they shouldn't have. The fact he was twenty didn't matter, they treated him like he was a small child who was just crawling around the house, stuffing whatever he could find into his mouth. As if he had not actively been trying to kill himself. 

The nurse sighed deep and then stepped aside to let the guests in. 

"I'll be waiting at your door. Just press the button of you need anything" she said sternly and Regulus nodded. He found the light switch and closed the door. He crossed his arms.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Rescuing you, of course" he said. Regulus took a step back. 

"Oh no, you're not. You can't, I have to stay. This might be my only chance to some proper help and-" he was cut of by Remus. 

"Kidding, of course. We know you need the help, no offense. I take it you tried to kill yourself, huh" he said. Regulus looked away ashamed. 

"And you failed again?" Sirius joked. James swatted his shoulder but Regulus laughed about it. 

"Watch it, or I'll try harder next time" he said, daring. James' eyes widened. 

"There won't be a next time, right?" he said. Sirius looked at him with a knowing look on his face. Regulus wondered how many 'next times' Sirius had had. It was a sad future, always living till the next 'next time', but Regulus could be okay with that. Maybe the proper meds would prevent it or hold it out a little longer. There fell a short silence before James wrapped his arms around Regulus. He took a step back again, but this time in an attempt not to loose his balance. After a few seconds the others joined in as well. Regulus felt warm tears roll from James' face onto his shoulder, creating a wet spot on his shirt. He coughed a few times and they all let him go. Regulus took the time to look at their faces. They all looked tired and their expression was hallow. 

"You guys truly look terrible. Happy birthday Remus" he mumbled. 

"Of course we look terrible, we've been fucking worrying for weeks, Reg" Remus cried out. Regulus felt a sense of guilt gushing over him, he could have at least left a note of some kind.

"I'm sorry, I- I wasn't thinking straight and then mother called and everything felt like it was good and I was going to live, live a better life if I left all of you behind and I didn't stop to think and feel guilty because I was in this kind of state where everything seemed to be so far away and I was the only thing on earth that counted" Regulus tried to explain. James let out a laugh. What was so funny? Regulus looked at him with a questioning look in his eyes. 

"Sorry, not funny, I know. I just, I know how you felt. Its weird and scary, more so when you get out of that headspace and realize what you've done" he said. Regulus nodded. 

"Yes, exactly. But then I had no one to fall back on because mother made sure I was isolated from the outside world. I felt so alone, you know" he said. 

"Hey eh, I have to use the bathroom. Will you walk with me Sirius?" Remus said, his eyes flickering between Regulus and James. Sirius caught the hint. 

"Eh, sure, yeah. Boys, we'll be right back" he said. James looked at his friends with widened eyes. The two of them watched Remus and Sirius leave the room and James uncomfortably cleared his throat. Regulus turned to him.

"Let me guess, you want to know if it was your fault?" Regulus asked, judging by the look on James' face. 

"Ehh" James hesitated. That was a yes. Regulus thought about it for a second. Of course he knew James had been the final trigger, but was he going to tell him that? Ah fuck it, he was.

"Maybe" he said. James looked away. 

"I'm sorry" he said. Regulus laughed. 

"Don't be, it was my fault for not being able to deal with my feelings like a normal person would. I know you still think you took advantage of me and all but that is not what this is about. It's just, you're so, you know, and I'm just, me, I guess and I-" he couldn't finish his rambling. James had wrapped his arms around him again. 

"I was so worried" he whispered. Regulus swallowed. 

"I'm sorry" he said, looking up. James' hair was messy, his eyebags a deep purple and his cheekbones more visible than they had been before, but he was still beautiful. Regulus could kiss him. Maybe he should. He got to his tiptoes and pulled James' head softly down. Their lips made contact once again, both of them sober this time, though maybe a bit high in their emotions. James immediately gave in this time.

Chapter Text

"James, come on, we have to go" Sirius yelled out of breath. He and Remus had clearly been running. James looked up, confused.

"Walburga, she's here, coming this way. We have to go now" he bellowed. James pushed his glasses higher on his nose and nodded.

"Reg, we love you, we'll see you again as soon as possible, I promise" Remus said, giving the smaller boy a quick hug. Then, the three of them left the room, slamming the door shut behind them. James ran behind Sirius and Remus through the corridor. They were lucky it was almost empty, no doctors to look at them weird or to tell them to slow down. They slowed down to pass through the entrance hall, slipping into the bathroom as Walburga strode past them with big, angry steps. Her long coat flowed behind her and James felt sorry for Regulus, for what was about to come.

"We'll get him out, okay?" Remus whispered, taking James' hand. James blinked a few times and him and then nodded.

"Yeah, yeah I know" he said.

"I still don't like this" Sirius mumbled.

"Now is not really the time for what you do and don't like" Remus snapped, stepping out into the hall again. The three of them speeded to the car.

"Are you good to drive?" Sirius asked James, who nodded. He was fine, he was all good. He had seen Regulus, Regulus was alive, he had kissed Regulus again, they were going to get him out.

"Yes, I'm good to drive" James answered when his two friends stared back at him in disbelief.

"Alright mate, if you say so. Let's go" Sirius said. The ride back home was quiet, the only sound was that of the heavy music blasting through the cars speakers. James liked driving in the dark, the little lights of the city and the cars around him gave him a great escape from life. He was going to be just fine. When they got back on campus Barty and Evan were waiting for them.

"How was he?" they asked.

"Alive" Sirius grumbled. He was visibly very tired.

"Walburga knew we were there, we had to run to get away, didn't get a proper goodbye but it seems he is in good hands" Remus sighed. Evan held up a letter.

"I forgot about this, but I got this in the mail a few days ago. A Black family event, something to get in even more money. Details don't matter however, I'm invited, and if he'll be there, this will be our chance to get him out" he said. James grabbed the letter from Evans hands.

"He mentioned something about a dress for an event, yes" he murmured. Evan jumped up.

"He'll be there, he has to be. I doubt his mother will go around telling people her kid tried to off themselves, so he'll be forced to pretend everything is fine. We can get him there. I just know it" he said. Sirius frowned.

"What if he doesn't want us to save him?" they asked. Barty frowned.

"What do you mean? Why wouldn't he?" he asked. Sirius sighed.

"He is finally getting the help he needs" he explained.

"Can he not get the same help when he's here?" Evan asked.

"We don't know, we'll have to find out, but that means going back" Remus said, now taking the letter from James. The conversation did not really penetrate James' mind, his head was still with the kiss and how it felt to hold Regulus again.

"We'll find a way" Barty said determined. Sirius lit a cigarette and offered one to James, who took it without thinking. Remus lit it for him and James absently took a drag from it.

"Ah yes, smoking, great for the athletes lungs" Barty scoffed.

"Oh shut up Crouch. As if you're not high off your balls most of the time" Remus shot back. James was still not sure what the dynamic was between Remus, Barty and Evan. He only gathered they had all been in high school with Regulus, but James was not under the impression Remus was very fond of Barty. James himself was also unsure about his feelings towards Barty. He was very indifferent about Evan, he seemed chill, just a bit too much of an asskisser for Barty. Barty however, had a very strong personality, one that seemed to clash with James' most of the time. He knew Barty and Regulus used to date, which might have been a bias for James' opinion towards Barty. Unfair, but true. James focussed on the little clouds of smoke he was blowing out and the little red glowing butt of the cigarette. He saw Remus staring at Sirius, his eyes were almost forming hearts. In all the rush, James had forgotten it was still Remus' birthday.

"Remus, do you want to switch rooms for the night? I'll stay in your room, use Regs empty bed and you can stay with Sirius" he whispered. Remus' eyes widened at this proposal.

"Alright" he said with a slight grin. James slapped him on the back.

"Happy birthday" he said, throwing his cigarette to the ground and dimming it with the sole of his shoe.

"I'm going inside" James yawned, "Sirius, Remus stays with you tonight. Good night, be safe." He winked at Remus and got a wink back. Evan laughed and followed his example. Him and Barty followed him inside, heading towards their own dorms.

"Goodnight Potter" Barty yelled after him, sounding slightly insane. James was terrified of this man.

He got out the key Remus had given him and stepped inside the dorm. It was the same as always, James had been here almost everyday for the past weeks. Regulus' side was empty, cold, as if no one had ever been there, Remus' side was cozy and alive. He sat down on Regulus' bed and kicked off his shoes and trousers. He hoped Sirius and Remus were at least having fun. He missed Regulus and would have given anything to stay with him for the night. They wouldn't even have to do anything, just the feeling of their bodies together... James crawled under the covers of the white and empty bed and lay his head down. Something was uncomfortable under his back. He sat up, grabbing his glasses from the bedside table and searched the bed. The source of the disturbance in the otherwise soft bed was a neatly folded sweater. James' own sweater. Regulus must have left it behind for him to find it, to give it back. James quickly grabbed the thing and smelled it. Somehow it still wore Regulus' smell. James quickly pulled the thing over his head and lay down again. The comfort of something from Regulus around him put him to sleep very fast and very heavy.

•••

Sirius kissed the top of Remus' head.

"Happy birthday" they whispered. Remus laughed, climbing onto Sirus' lap, facing him.

"Next year I'm going to play a drinking game where I take a shot every time congratulates me more than once" he joked. Sirius cupped his face with their hand.

"I'm in" they said. Remus leaned in and kissed him. Last time this had happened they were brutally disrupted by James. Tonight this would not be the case. It would just be the two of them.

"You're so beautiful" Sirius grunted, softly pulling back. Remus smiled against their lips, making sure they stayed connected. He didn't want to let go of Sirius all night.

"Are you tired?" he asked. Sirius shrugged.

"Not really" they said. Remus grinned.

"Good" he said and kissed them again, a bit rougher this time. He wasn't sure what it was, but the sexual tension between them was so heavy, and Sirius also seemed to have noticed.

"Are you sure you want this?" they asked. Remus nodded.

"I need a clear yes" Sirius said.

"Yes, I want to do this. Do you?" Remus replied.

"Yes. Do you have a condom somewhere?"

"My god, is it just me or is it really hot in here" Remus joked, god knows how much later. He removed the hairs from Sirius' face and gave them another kiss before dropping down next to him, staring up at the ceiling.

"Mmh" mumbled Sirius, his face pressed against the side of Remus' head.

"You know, I really, really like you" Remus confessed. Sirius sat up.

"Oh? Do you?" he grinned. Remus grabbed a pillow and slammed it in their face.

"Be nice to me, it's my birthday" he mumbled. Sirius checked the time on their phone.

"No it isn't, it's already way past midnight" he said. Remus let out a loud groan. He was acting like all of this was bothering him, but secretly he was very glad things hadn't turned awkward between them. Most of the time Remus felt very self conscious after sleeping with someone, but Sirius made him feel so very safe.

"Thank you, for the best birthday present" Remus said, staring up to the ceiling again.

"Of course, no problem" Sirius said with a grin.

"Sirius?" Remus asked, nervously. He had been playing with the idea of officially asking Sirius out for a while now, but there never seemed to be a right moment.

"That's me" Sirius replied. Remus sat up and Sirius did the same. They were now sitting across from each-other and Remus took Sirius' hands.

"Do you perhaps want to, you know, officially be my partner?" Remus asked. He closed his eyes when Sirius stayed quiet and unmoved. Then he felt a pair of arms fling around him and a pair of lips pressed to his forehead.

"Yes, oh my god, of course" Sirius cried out. Remus was glad the room was dimly lit, it would hide the redness of his face at least a little bit. He let out a relieved sigh.

"O-okay, yeah, great" he grinned. Sirius kissed him on the lips and muttered; "You're so cute."

•••

Sirius really could not have been happier when they woke up the next morning, still wrapped in Remus' arms, their warm bodies pressed up against each other. Remus was their boyfriend now. Sirius was Remus' partner. He was certain that no where in the world, there would be anyone happier than they were at that moment. The happiness only lasted a few minutes, until he remembered the rest of the night before, the chaotic rush to the hospital, the sight of his mother, the sight of his little brother, so clearly ill and nothing Sirius would do about it. The exact feeling of seeing his mother again, even just the slightest glimpse of her, crept back into his body. It was a sort of nausea, paired with the sound of her cold voice yelling all kinds of insults at him. It suddenly made him violently ill and he was out of bed within a second, head hanging above the toilet, the dinner of the previous night leaving their body. He had not seen Walburga in years and had hoped he would never have to again. It had been stupid, going to that hospital, Regulus had even told them not to come, so why did they? Why had Sirius not stopped and thought about the fact Walburga might have been there? Why didn't James think of that? Why didn't Remus think of that? He was suddenly angry at everything. This was all Regulus' fault. Tears were now streaming down their face. No, no it had been no one's fault but theirs. The only person to blame was themselves. All their fault, like always. They were now sobbing, forehead resting on the toilet seat, both grossed out by this and not giving a fuck at the same time. It was stupid, everything was stupid.

"Sirius?" Remus' voice sounded behind him. Sirius gave no reply. Remus tilted their head away from the toilet and flushed it.

"What happened?" he asked, but Sirius remained silent. A short silence followed. Remus let go of him and shuffled around the bathroom for a bit.

"Alright, let's get you in the shower" he said eventually and softly pulled on Sirius' arm. Sirius found a tiny bit of strength in their body and moved with Remus, who sat him down on the ground, back against the wall. The water turned on and Sirius flinched at the cold water on his skin, waiting for it to heat up. Remus held his hand under the stream to check the temperature and then took the shower head from the wall and started rinsing Sirius' body, carefully avoiding his face, making sure he wouldn't accidentally drown them. Sirius had stopped crying and just remained empty now. They didn't process half of the things going on around them and missed Remus calling their name.

"Sirius?" Remus repeated, the shower now turned away from him. Sirius suddenly felt very naked and exposed, even though Remus was barely more covered than he was.

"Sorry, what?" Sirius asked sheepishly.

"It's okay. Can you explain to me what happened?" Remus asked. Sirius shook their head. They weren't even sure themself.

"Alright" Remus said, turning off the shower. He handed them a towel and Sirius gratefully wrapped it around themselves. He felt guilty for breaking down on the first morning he got to spend with Remus, to immediately dump their faults on him, on his boyfriend. Sirius wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear, wanted to make sure never to be found again, that way people couldn't leave him. People couldn't leave him if he left first, something that had been his motto for as long as he could remember and something he was slowly letting go of. Not everyone would leave and it was wrong to assume they would. James hadn't left, Peter hadn't left. Remus wouldn't leave.

"I'm so sorry" Sirius whispered, looking up at Remus.

"Sorry for what?" Remus asked.

"Sorry you had to see me like this, in this state" Sirius said. It could have been even worse, but Remus didn't need to know that.

"You have to say sorry for that. When I said I wanted to be your boyfriend I meant every part of you. Not just the hot and outgoing hockey player, but also the soft and sweet person and the first-date-kind-of-nervous you and also this part of you. I know you, Sirius. I know things like these happen and I want you to know I'm here for you. Always" Remus said. Sirius bit their lip in attempt not to cry. He wasn't used to people who were not James being good to him, he hated it. People usually gave him a fake sense of security and then left them to die, shrivelled up in a corner.

"You can't say that. It's not true" Sirius muttered. He expected Remus to get mad at this, but of course he did not.

"Yes I can because I mean it. I know it's hard for you to see, but people do genuinely care about you, alright? I care, I really do" Remus said. Sirius burst out in tears again.

"I'm a fucking wreck" they sobbed, grabbing clean clothes from the closet. He only realised he was wearing a shirt of James' when he pulled a jumper over his head, but this was not unusual. The two of them shared half their wardrobe.

"Is that James' shirt?" Remus asked. Sirius raised their eyebrows and smiled through their tears.

"How could you tell" they sniffed.

"It says 'potter' on the back" Remus grinned. This made Sirius laugh.

"Ah, yes. I do feel more a Potter than I do a Black, though" he said. Remus nodded.

"I get that, I wouldn't want to be related to the Blacks either, I feel bad being associated with them at all" he said. Sirius laughed again.

"Have you ever met my parents?" Sirius asked, ignoring the shiver running down his spine at the thought of his mothers face again.

"Unfortunately, yes" Remus sighed and Sirius pulled up their nose.

"I feel for you" he said, softly slapping Remus on the back.

"Let's head to breakfast, yes?" Remus said, wiping the last of Sirius' tears away. Sirius nodded, wiping his nose on the edge of his sleeve.

•••

James grinned when he saw his friends walking into the great hall, hand in hand. His night spent in Remus' room had paid off.

"Good morning angels" he sang as Remus and Sirius sat down.

"Good morning James" Sirius sighed. The both of them were smiling, but something was off with Sirius. They had been crying, that much was obvious.

"Do you want to talk about it?" James asked but Sirius shook his head.

"I don't want more sadness this morning. Just, happy, my best friend and my boyfriend and some fucking food" Sirius said while they got up to grab some food.

"Congrats" James winked at Remus as Remus also got up and followed Sirius. He gave James a thumbs up back. James' heart ached at the sight of them. Of course, he was happy, ecstatic even, for them, but James was also a bit jealous. All he could think about was how he secretly wished Regulus was there, back at school, out of the hospital, sitting next to James to make fun of his brother and his best friend. He could practically still feel Regulus' lips on his, how good it had felt now that neither of them were drunk and how he wanted to do it again. Oh yes, he was so madly in love with Regulus. He wondered how one could see him and see anything else anymore, how could anyone see Regulus and not fall in love immediately. Maybe the realisation had come with a bit of a delay, but that was definitely what had happened to James. He had fallen for the younger boy the moment he skated into him and laid eyes on him. He was a goner. But Regulus wasn't there, sitting next to him, poking fun at their friends. Regulus was probably in big trouble with Walburga at this exact moment. They needed to save him as soon as possible. 

Sirius and Remus joined him at his table again, plates filled with food James knew they were most likely  not going to finish. Their hands lay linked on the table and James had to rip his gaze away from them. He nibbled at his own breakfast and sipped from a glass of juice. 

"You okay, mate?" Sirius asked. James almost laughed at the stupidity of the question. 

"Of course not" he scoffed, there was really no point in lying anymore, Sirius would know anyway. If James wouldn't tell him, he'd figure it out on his own. 

"Is it my brother?" they asked. 

"Of course it's your brother" James replied. He saw Remus giving Sirius' hand a soft squeeze. He thought about holding Regulus' hand. Before Sirius could say any more, Evan sat down next to James. James scanned the great hall very quickly, but there was no sign of Barty anywhere. That was new. 

"Rosier" Remus said. 

"Lupin" Evan said, "I talked to someone. Regulus officially still lives with Walburga. If we want to get him out, we need to make sure he lives on a different address and unfortunately the dorms do not count. We could still grant him the help he needs, be it with a different therapist than he is currently seeing in London." 

"Who told you this?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"Doesn't matter, you know I have my ways and my people" Evan sighed. James thought it was all a bit ominous but he kept his mouth. 

"Now, if we happen to find a place for him to live, we still need to get him away at the event, or at least get to explain our plan. I can take one person with me as a date, to get you inside and I think it'll have to be James. They'll recognize Sirius and Remus is too tall, he'll stand out" Evan continued. James bit his lip, he'd rather not come too close to the Black family and their acquaintances, but he also really wanted to get Regulus back. 

"That's why Barty's not here, is it? He's jealous" Remus giggled. Evan blushed slightly which gave more than enough conformation. Remus really seemed to enjoy this little fact and he was now laying with his head face down on the table, laughing. Evan rolled his eyes at this but Sirius and James just frowned. 

"Can't wait to tell Reg about this" Remus sniffed, looking up to find their confused faces. 

"Come on, Barty Crouch, jealous because he can't be Evan's date? That's the funniest thing I've heard all week. James still didn't understand, but then again, they weren't really his friends so he wasn't in on the inside jokes. 

"Alright, Lupin" Evan said loudly. Remus nodded and took a deep breath in order to shut himself up. 

"Somewhere he can live and an outfit for James. Got it. How much time do we have?" he asked. Evan made a face that could only mean bad news. 

"About two days?" he said. Sirius, who had been silent this entire time, let out a high pitched laugh. 

"Two days? You're insane, Rosier" they said. Evan shrugged. 

"Possibly" he said, and with that he left. 

"Okay, well, Sirius, can you take James shopping? He needs a suit. I'll try to see what I can do about the housing situation. Sirius nodded and finished his croissant. They dumped the rest in the bin. James followed his example, though his plate was a little less full. 

The town was not crowded at all, given in was a Monday morning and James and Sirius were skipping their classes. They had more important stuff to do. Unfortunately for them, the bridal shop was the only store that sold suits that would be good enough for the Black family. The moment they stepped in, a small woman stuck to them. 

"Which one of you is the lucky one?" she squealed. Neither James nor Sirius said anything for a moment. The woman watched the two of them and pursed her lips. 

"Don't tell me, I think I know" she smiled. 

"You do?" James murmured and the woman nodded confidently. 

"A gay couple shopping together, how progressive" she sang. James and Sirius looked at each other, eyes wide. Sirius clamped their hand over their mouth to stop himself from bursting out laughing. 

"We're no-" James began, but the woman cut him off. 

"Don't worry darling. I'm supportive and all, my son is also a homosexual" she nodded. James was at a loss for words. 

"That's... great?" he managed to get over his lips, but it sounded a lot more like a question than he had intended. 

"So, what did we have in mind?" the woman asked. James opened his mouth but Sirius was faster.

"Do you have anything velvet?" he asked. The woman's eyes lit up.

"Oh yes, we do" she said, taking the both of them by the hand and dragging them across the store, past isles filled with overly expensive wedding dresses, mostly in white but sometimes a speck of color between them. The store was filled with the smell of cinnamon, something James rather liked, and made him a tad more comfortable. They stopped in front of a rack filled with suits made from, as Sirius had requested, velvet. His eye fell on a deep green one, which the woman seemed to notice, because she took it from the rack and held it out to him. 

"You like this one?" she asked. James touched the fabric and took the suit from her. 

"The fitting rooms are over there, but let us find something for your fiancé first" she said. James opened his mouth to go against her, but Sirius took his hand, squeezed it and nodded. They were enjoying this little game. 

They ended on a black velvet suit with matching green stitching breaking up the blob of dark fabric. James dragged Sirius to the fitting room and pushed him in one of the stalls. The moment the door closed they burst out laughing. 

"Well, fiancé, let us try on this suit for you" Sirius laughed. James quickly removed his original clothes and wrung himself into the suit. It fit him better than expected, though he' d needed a belt for the pants and it looked a bit weird with his dirty converse. Sirius was now also undressing and James squinted at him. 

"That's my shirt" he said. Sirius looked up at him, confused at first, but then his eyes lit up. 

"Yes! looks better on me, doesn't it" they joked, softly nudging James. James rolled his eyes and waited for Sirius to change. Sirius' platform Doc Martens looked slightly better under it. 

"You don't even need a suit" James said to Sirius who just shrugged. 

"I can afford it and come on, I look great, so why not?" they said. This time James shrugged. The little lady let out a shriek of excitement. 

"Look at you lads, how very lovely" she smiled. Sirius grinned at James and James grinned back at him. They looked great. James was actually in love with the suit, the color paired great with his dark skin tone, and the fabric was so soft, James thought about taking a nap in it. Sirius looked like an edgy vampire, their pale skin contrasting with the thick, dark fabric of the suit. 

"We need to take a picture for Remus" Sirius whispered. 

"Miss, can you please take a picture of us? We need our friend to approve" James asked gently. 

"Oh please, call me Pamona. Hand me your phone" the lady smiled. James give her his phone, camera opened and scooted a little closer to Sirius. Sirius wrapped their arm around his waist and James stuck his hand in Sirius' back pocket. Pamonda squinted as she took a few pictures. 

"Come on boys, a little smooch maybe? Let them know you're in love" she said. James didn't dare to break her heart and tell her they were not getting married. He looked at Sirius with a questioning look, who grabbed his phone from his pocket. He showed him the text he had sent to Remus. 

Hey Moony, this lady at the shop things me n prongs r getting married, is it ok if we just give eahcother a small peck on the lips for a pic? 

They waited in anticipation as the three dots popped up, letting them know Remus was typing. James shot Pamona an apologetic look. 

Lol what? Yeah go ahead, you guys r already married at this point, don't think I can get in between that

Moony, you're the best xxx

Sirius grinned as he put away his phone again. 

"Sorry for the interruption" he said. Pamona shook her head. 

"No worries" she smiled. Her smile was of the most genuine smiles James had seen in a while. The smile spread across her entire face and even reached her eyes when she lifted the phone again. James pulled Sirius a little closer and Sirius leaned back a bit, leaning on James' arm around their waist. James bent over him and gave him a short kiss. It felt funny, but now how it felt with Regulus. But then again, James was not in love with Sirius and they had kissed before. 

"Perfect" Pamona said. 

"Perfect, we'll take the suits" James said, taking back his phone. Pamona nodded and the boys headed back to the fitting rooms to change back into their normal clothes. James had not even looked at the price tag yet, he knew he could afford it. He realized his privilege, but he was also extremely grateful his parents had managed to build a small fortune with selling hair products. And besides, this event would not be the last time he planned on wearing the suit. Sirius also had more than enough money to buy the suit, having inherited all of their uncle's money not long ago. Sometimes it was great having more money than one needed. 

•••

"Moony, moony, look at this, this picture is genius" Sirius called out, hurrying over to their boyfriend, him, Remus Lupin. They held up James' phone, who walked after him at a slower pace. Remus bent over to look at the phone. 

"You look like a parent when you show them a meme" James joked. Remus grinned up at him and then looked back at the phone. It was a picture of James and Sirius kissing, Sirius leaning slightly back, James leaning over him. Remus had expected to feel jealous, at least a bit, even though he had given them permission, but it wasn't there. It was just a very funny picture, especially with the backstory of the sales lady thinking they were getting married. Remus could not keep his eyes of Sirius. Of course he knew they were hot, they were good looking, because, duh, Remus had eyes, but something about seeing him in that suit... James seemed to notice and scrolled a picture further, so Remus got a better look at his partner. His partner! He was at a loss for words. 

"Remus, are you okay?" Sirius asked. Remus looked up and pulled Sirius in for a kiss. He heard James in the background. 

"Gross" he yelled, but when Remus looked up at him, he was smiling brightly. Sirius broke the kiss and motioned for them to sit down. 

"Did you find anything?" James asked. It took Remus a second to realize what he meant. He was talking about housing for Regulus, somewhere he could 'officially' live, just to be gone from Walburga. Remus sadly shook his head. There was absolutely nothing to be found anywhere near and he had honestly given up hope. It was around lunchtime and slowly the great hall began to fill with students. James and Sirius' friends found them and joined them at their table, and so did Evan, Barty with him again now. 

"Good afternoon Barty" Remus said with a slight grin. Barty frowned at him with a furious look in his eyes, Evan must have told him what had happened earlier. Good move Rosier, good move. It was honestly very funny, seeing Barty catching feelings for Evan, and Evan just being so oblivious to it. 

"Have you found anything?" Evan asked but Remus shook his head. 

"It's hopeless" he told Evan, who cussed to himself and looked up to the ceiling, as if praying.

"What is hopeless? When will Reg be back?" Dorcas asked. Remus grumbled. 

"You just answered your own question" James sighed. Sirius bit his lip. 

"We need to find somewhere he could live, or at least be registered at a house that is not his parents and not the dorms" Evan explained. Dorcas face lit up. 

"Does he actually have to live there?" she asked. Remus shook his head. 

"No, he can just live in his dorm again, we just need to make sure he doesn't officially live under his parents roof anymore" he said. Dorcas grinned and nudged her girlfriend, Marlene. She whispered something to her and then turned back to them. 

"We'll have to check, but I'm pretty sure we can write him in in our house" she said. James almost jumped up from his seat from excitement. 

"Really?" he asked. 

"Really" Dorcas replied. 

Chapter Text

Regulus wiped his clamming hands on the soft fabric of the dress he was wearing. The dress was beautiful, truly, and he was sure it would have looked great on anyone but him. To him it was a little like hell. He only liked being secure in his femininity when he was in control and not when his mother was forcing him to wear a dress for some stupid formal event. The dress looked ridiculous on him, his body had grown far too masculine to go well with the soft and devine features of the dress. His shoulders were too broad and his chest too flat and though he knew he looked too masculine too pull off this dress, he still felt dysphoric. He felt fragile and frustrated. All Regulus wanted to do was rip up the dress, maybe burn in, cut it into a million small pieces, but Walburga would actually murder him. She had made a point of reminding him how much money she had spent on the stupid thing. It made Regulus laugh, as if she didn't have too much money to know what to do with it. He was satisfied with the make up he had managed to pull off, glad to see he was still skilled with eyeliner, though it didn't feel like him at all. He wore make up ever so often, to parties and such, but never heavily winged eyeliner and deep red lipstick like he was now. The face staring back at him in the mirror felt unfamiliar. He didn't feel like Revati, or whoever she might have been, but he also didn't quite feel like Regulus. He wondered what James would think of him, if he could see him now. What if he would like the fem version of Regulus better? No, he wouldn't. Regulus had to remind himself he could count on James liking him just as he did, as he had kissed him twice in the last month. He still was not sure what to think of all that, though. Maybe he was just looking for a rebound and was Regulus his best bet. Maybe James knew how head over heels Regulus was for him, how he would do anything James asked of him. Maybe he was just an easy target, someone to release his emotions on. Maybe James was just lonely. But then again, it was James, the 'go big or go home' type of guy. Regulus doubted James would do anything just because it was 'easy'. Still, Regulus could not see why him. Maybe James thought of it all as one big game, a fun little experiment. Maybe he was just looking to fuck with Sirius. That must've been it. James would never like Regulus the way Regulus liked James. People like James didn't fall in love with guys like Regulus.

Regulus felt ashamed for even thinking anything between him and James could have been anything real. He felt ashamed for assuming James kissing him meant anything, because if it did, why had he not tried to contact him in the past few days? It had been Regulus initiating both kisses, after all. He had been manipulating James into this, had he not? James had just come to apologizing to him because he felt it was his fault, because Regulus was gaslighting him. Right? James didn't like him, James would hate seeing him like this, James was just rebounding after his years long relationship with Lily. Regulus had to get him out of his mind.

There was a knock on his door and Regulus sat up in his chair, pretending to still be busy with his make up.

"Regulus?" Kreacher's voice sounder behind the door.

"Come on in" Regulus yelled. The door creaked open and Kreacher's face appeared.

"What is it?" Regulus asked the old man. Kreacher stared at him through the mirror, a frown on his face.

"I don't like what she is doing to you, young master" Kreacher said. Regulus shrugged, pretending not to care.

"It's fine. Why are you here?" Regulus asked, curious as to why the man had come into his room, something he barely ever did, but had started since Regulus was back out of the hospital. Maybe he was a bit traumatized. He had been the one to find Regulus half way dead, after all. Regulus felt a bit sorry for him, it had not been his intention for Kreacher to find him, he had been hoping Walburga would come looking for him when he did not show up for dinner.

"You are expected downstair in about five minutes, young master" Kreacher said, bowing down slightly. Regulus frowned and stared at the servants face, he looked older than he had remembered, but most of his thoughts had been scrambled all over the place after his overdoses on the anti-psychotics. The only positive out of this all had been the professional help he was finally getting. The psychiatrist was currently in the process of trying to diagnose him, which felt a bit useless to him, why did he need a label when he could perfectly describe what was wrong with him? But he longed to be back at school, to be back with his friends, to be back with his brother, to be back with James, as far as there would be a 'back with James'. Perhaps James had found someone new.

"Okay, yeah, I'll be there" Regulus nodded, staring at himself in the mirror one last time. He was really. to satisfied with how he looked. He hated how exposed his arms were, maybe the dress would have fitted him better if it had sleeves, but at the same time, he loved how visible it was he was no longer Revati, no longer a girl. His hair was short and his body was masculine. He just looked like a man in a dress. This is what he had been wanting his entire life, even though he still felt dysphoric because the dress was so out of his aesthetic and he felt like his mother's influence made everything twice as feminine. She would find a way to excuse his short hair and the muscles he had trained so hard to grow. She would find a reason to explain why Regulus was never at any family gatherings anymore, she would find an excuse to not talk about his education. He would be the centre of attention, just like he had always been, he was sure of it. Even though Walburga liked to pretend she never had any kids on regular days, formal events were the exception. It was his time to shine, to show everyone how a perfect kid he was, to lure in more money, more sponsors for whatever shady business his parents were involved in now. Regulus slowly made his way down the stairs, pulling up the dress not to trip over the excess fabric draping over the ground, slightly unsteady in his heels. His mother wore a fake, but delighted smile as she watched him walk towards her and stretched out her arm for him to link to. 

"Now, don't make any fuss, don't cause any drama, listen to your name, only speak when spoken to" his mother hissed as they walked to the car. The velvet of his mothers dress made him itch, he hated the texture. He agreed to his mothers demands, there was no use arguing. The ride to the venue was short and quiet, the only thing to be heard was Kreacher humming a melody Regulus did not recognize. The venue was a big, imposing, old building with gothic decorations on its frontage. Regulus had to admit, the architecture was quite nice. They were fashionably late, though it was their own event, but they made quite the entrance. The music stopped for a moment as Regulus and Walburga walked through, Walburga immediately taking place at the head of a big table, covered in red fabric, raising her glass and clinking it with her big, silver ring. Regulus knew exactly which ring it was, he wore one himself, it was the Black's family heirloom, the words "toujours pur" engraved on the inside. He despised the thing, but his hands looked too naked and feminine without the collection of rings around his fingers, all in silver, of course. Walburga started her speech, telling everyone with a fake smile how glad she was they could make it, the details about donations and an honorable mention to him, Regulus, except she dead named him, of course. Regulus cringed, he didn't want the attention on him, he didn't want to be seen in this dress or at this party. He didn't want to be associated with these people. The music started back up and people started gathering around the large table where his mother was seated. He danced with several men and women, surprised to find he still knew all the dances from the top of his head, he didn't have to think about the movements twice, which was nice, because it gave him time to look around and think. He half heartedly listened to old men ramble about their latest investments, he smiled and nodded as several women asked if he remembered them, telling him how big he had gotten. Receiving a comment on the length of his hair and his lack of boobs here and there. Why did these adults even care if he had tits or not? There were a few younger guests, but most of them were servants. Regulus made a mental note of the ones worth remembering, maybe able to get at least a hook up out of this stupid event. The thought made him feel like he was betraying James, but lets be honest, there was nothing official going on between the two of them and James wasn't here right now so, what could it hurt? Regulus still had his needs and wants, you know. 

Mid dance, Regulus took a glass of champagne from one of the silver plates from one of the servants, catching his eye and winking at him. The waiter seemed to recognize him and a blush crept onto his face, spreading fast. Regulus accused himself to his dance partner, a balding business man who had to be at least in his late fifties, and made his way to the waiter. The man was taller than Regulus was, and he guessed he had max five years on him. His hair was a fire-ish orange-red and freckles were spread all over his face. He sort of reminded Regulus of Lily, but her hair was a lot less orange. The man had a handsome and slender face and there was no doubt an attraction towards Regulus. Regulus quickly drank the last glass of champagne left on the silver tray and looked the man right in the eye. 

"Let's get this back to the kitchens, shall we?" he whispered, leaning just a tad closer to the man. The flush on his face became even brighter, something Regulus had not thought possible, but satisfied him none the less. He followed the man out of the room, but tugged on his arm before he could get to the kitchens. Regulus had been in this building before, there were just so much venues to choose from in London, so he knew where he was going. They passed the bathrooms and went through a small door. The other man had to duck to save himself from hitting his head. Behind the door was a small room with a luxurious couch, which Regulus knew, because this would not be his first hook up here. After a few hours at these events, people would stop noticing him, granting him some time to have fun for himself. He grabbed the tray the man was still holding and placed it on the stone floor. 

"So, what's your name, beautiful?" he asked, taking the mans hand. 

"Fabian" the man whispered. Regulus smiled.

"Very well, Fabian. My name is Regulus, though you might know me by my dead name, which would be very unfortunate. Do you know why I brought you here? No? Oh well, I'm bored and you look like the fun I might just need. In the case you would not want this, have a partner or consider yourself to be straight, you can walk back out the door we just came through, don't forget your plate, and you never tell anyone you were here, yes?" Regulus said. His blood was rushing at the feeling of power he got from this game. Fabian didn't move, however. 

"I'm in" he just said with a lopsided grin on his handsome face. Regulus nodded at him. 

"I thought so" he said. He stepped over to the man and placed his hand in the back of his neck, pulling his head down just the slightest, so he could reach his lips. The kiss was fine, Fabian was not a bad kisser at all, but all felt so bland after knowing how James felt and tasted. Regulus drove the image of James from his thoughts. Fabian was already hard and Regulus traced the bulge through the fabric of his pants. Then he broke the kiss and turned around. 

"Can you please help me out of this terrible dress?" he asked. He could do it himself just fine, but where was the fun in that? Fabian opened the zipper with ease and undid the lace on the corset. Regulus kicked off his shoes and went to unbuckle Fabians pants. 

•••

James was desperately looking for Regulus. He had been there just minutes ago, Evan had seen him as well, but now he was nowhere to be seen and no one had seen him leaving. James danced around the room with Evan, the both of them craning their necks in the worst positions and keeping a respectable distance from one another. Actually befriending Evan went a bit too far. James had only caught a glimpse of Regulus, just enough to see how good he looked in his dress, leaving him daydreaming about how good he would have looked in an actual suit. But that was not the point, because at this moment, Regulus was nowhere to be found. He and Evan stopped dancing to take a drink from a waiter, which they drank in silence, still looking out for any sign of their friend. Friend. As if James was not dying to be so much more than just his friend. 

"Maybe he went to the bathroom" Evan suggested. James squinted at him, annoyed he didn't think of it himself. 

"Yes maybe. Should we go and have a look?" He asked. Evan shrugged at him. 

"Maybe. We could have another drink and then, if he's still not back, go and look for him" he suggested. James wanted to argue, suggest to go and look for him now, but Evan had already pressed a new glass of booze in his hand. 

"Free alcohol, gotta take the opportunity" he winked. James rolled his eyes and sipped at the brown liquid. Sure, it felt good in his brain, but he didn't want to get hammered, he was on a mission. Having his Shrek moment, saving his damsel except he was a man and James wasn't sure if he actually needed saving. Minutes went by, another four songs were played, more dances danced and Evan finally finished his drink, which James was sure he had refilled when he had not been looking. 

"Okay, you're coming with me, now" James said, grabbing Evans arm and dragging him to the hallway through which they had come. That was his best bet for the bathrooms and sure enough, he was right. Except, all the stalls were empty. They even checked the women's bathroom, just in case, but there was no sign of Regulus. 

"Maybe he left. Maybe he has gone home and we're here for nothing" Evan sighed. 

"What if he doesn't want to be saved? What if he wants to stay with these people? What if he saw us and left?" James cringed. He was trying to keep his voice down, but his panic was rising rapidly and he found it hard to control himself. He loosened his tie and undid his top button, finding it suddenly very hot in the large, white bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. His face was red and sweaty, his hair all messed up, his glasses askew on his face. He combed his hand through his hair in attempt to make it decent, but it was no use. Evan was leaning against the sinks, staring him up and down, his long, blonde dreads pulled back in a low ponytail. He wasn't bad looking, James knew this, but here, now, being this tired and annoyed at everything, Evan in his just-a-tad-too-tight suit looked very appealing to him. He leaned to the side just a bit, nudging Evan with his hip. 

"What are you staring at?" James joked. Evan rolled his eyes. 

"Not you, if that was what you were hoping" Evan grumbled. James shrugged. He wasn't sure what he had been hoping. He knew vaguely Evan fancied Barty. 

"We both want something we can't have, don't we" Evan said suddenly, breaking the awkward silence. James raised his eyebrows. 

"Do we?" he asked. Evan nodded.

"Yes, we are the same, you and I. You want Regulus but he's not where you are, besides, it's reg, as far as I know, he doesn't do the whole 'dating thing', and even if you did, Sirius wouldn't let you. And I want Barty, obviously, but he doesn't do the dating thing either, which, sure, fine, but he has been acting so odd lately and, my god, why am I even telling you this" Evan sighed. James placed his hand on Evans shoulder. 

"Yeah, I suppose we are the same" he said mumbling. He wasn't about to kiss Evan, really, he wouldn't let it get that far, but he was close. So close, he was glad he heard giggling in the hallway. Footsteps approached and James stuck his head around the corner of the bathroom. His heart skipped a beat and he forgot how to breath. 

"Regulus" he whispered to Evan. Evan seemed to awaken from a trance and pushed James forward, out of the bathroom. He stumbled to regain his balance and stopped just in front of Regulus. Regulus dropped the shoes he was holding in his hand. 

"James" he mouthed, no sound coming from his mouth. James had no idea what to do next, he just stood there, frozen. Evan took over. 

"Regulus" he said. Regulus' eyes widened. 

"Evan?" he said in disbelief. 

"In flesh and bone" Evan said, spreading his arms, as if to prove he was really there. Regulus frowned. 

"Why?" he asked suspiciously. 

"Taking you, obviously" Evan sighed, as if that had not been obvious. It was only then James noticed the tall redhead behind Regulus, who looked just as confused as them. James' eyes flicked between the redhead and Regulus. Their hair was messy, Regulus' make up was slightly smudged, the boy, who was clearly a waiter, had his buttons done wrong. 

"Who is he?" James asked, disrupting Evan and Regulus. Regulus looked behind him, as if he too, had forgotten there was someone with him.

"That's Fabian" he shrugged. James narrowed his eyes, a wave of jealousy flooding over him. It was very obvious to him the two of them just had sex.

"Okay Fabian, maybe you should leave" James hissed. The tall man hastily moved past Regulus, who pulled him towards him one last time to whisper something in his ear and then left, face red as a tomato. 

"Where do we know Fabian from?" Evan asked. Regulus shrugged again. 

"Do we always have to know everyone?" he asked. James wanted to scream, rip his hair out, shake Regulus to come to his senses. He was right there. He had been there all the time and Regulus had just gone off and fucked some random waiter at his family event? Why? Was James not good enough for him? He had the sudden urge to just turn around, leave without Regulus, but he knew Evan would not let him. 

"I had my bit of fun, you know, I think I deserve it. Finally got my chance to get out of this god damn dress, you know? By the way, James, can you help me zip it back up? I don't suppose my dear mother will be thrilled seeing me walk around with my back exposed" Regulus said, turning around to show the dress hanging open and loose over his pale back. 

"No" James said. Regulus looked over his shoulder, arching up one eyebrow. Evan sighed deep.

"I'll do it" he said and helped Regulus pull up the zipper. James just stared at them. Then his impulses won and he turned around on his heels, leaving the two boys behind. He walked to the exit, resisting the urge to look back and yell at Regulus. He was right there, why couldn't Regulus see him? Lily was still where she had dropped them earlier that evening, sitting behind the steering wheel of James' car, waiting for them to get back. James had tried to convince her someone else could drive, they could catch a taxi back, but she had insisted on waiting there on them. He dropped down in the passenger seat next to her and undid his tie completely. 

"James? Are you okay?" she asked, and for the first time since the break up, James found a sense of security in her. He held back his tears though, but he confided in her all the same. He told her about the man, of whom he had forgotten the name already, with Regulus, how James felt invisible to Regulus most days, how he was in a constant state of confusion about his relationship with the boy, if he could even call it a relationship. Lily listened to all of it, not saying a word. James was kind of glad she didn't say anything, he just needed to get everything off his chest. 

•••

Evan was dragging Regulus out by his arm. 

"Let go of me" he hissed, but Evan just tightened his grip.

"You can't just- My mother- She-" Regulus protested. 

"Everything will be taken care of" Evan grumbled. When they were just out of sight from the building Evan stopped walking. 

"We're getting you out, wether you like it or not. Everything is being taken care of, I promise. We, I, just could not let you live with that witch any longer, and you know it. She forced you into this stupid dress and called you by your dead name, for fucks sake!" Evan yelled out. Regulus swallowed, if Evan had heard it, so had James. 

"You heard that" he mumbled. Evan seemed to catch the hint. 

"And so did James, yeah. But I doubt he remembers it, I think he is busy with completely different things right now" Evan sighed. 

"We're not together, I am allowed my fun!" Regulus defended himself. He didn't even know James would be there. 

"I do think you'll have to apologize to him, that being if he is still here" Evan sighed. 

"Since when are you two even friends?" Regulus spat. Evan didn't answer. Regulus wanted to hit him. He also wanted to hit himself, how could he have been so stupid. A one night stand? Seriously? And he had not even been properly satisfied. Sure, Fabian had been a good enough partner and Regulus had finished, but Fabian was just not James. Not that Regulus knew how sex with James was, but he could imagine. God, love was so stupid. Regulus would rather kill himself, but he was still too ashamed of his failed attempt to try again anytime soon. Evan let go of him, keeping a stern eye on him, and motioned to follow him. Regulus did follow him. Evan led him to a car Regulus assumed to be James' car. Lily was behind the steering wheel and James sat next to her, his tie hanging loosely and undone around his neck, his hair ruffled up, his face red, his look angry. Regulus was not going to lie, James looked fucking hot like that, but he did not share this thought with the outside world. He got the sense this was not the time and place. Evan opened the door and told him to get in. Regulus didn't even to try and put up a fight. Evan got in on the other side and greeted Lily. What a weird combination of people. 

"He's here" Evan said. 

"I can see that, yes" Lily sighed, turning the car key to turn the thing on. The car wasn't as nice as his own, but Regulus did appreciate the fact it was at least clean. There was no trash laying on the back seat as Regulus would have expected from James. James who was staring straight ahead out of the window, not saying a word. 

It was well past midnight, bordering on early morning when they got back to campus. They all got out of the car, Lily passing back the keys to James, who still hadn't said a word. Evan stumbled a bit, having fallen asleep halfway through the ride and Lily looked at them hesitantly. 

"I'm meeting Mary. James, text the others we got him back safely or something, they'll see him tomorrow" she yawned eventually. 

"I'll walk him back to his dorm" Evan said. James cleared his throat. 

"No, I'll do that, actually" he said softly. Evan looked at him with a concerned look on his face, but then shrugged.

"Alright. Just try and keep your voice down, I guess" he said, following Lily inside. There hung an awkward tension while James got out his phone and typed something. Regulus started walking, but James' long fingers closed around his arm. It felt a lot less harsh then when Evan had done it earlier that evening, but Regulus was still very much aware of the pressure James was applying, wether knowingly or not. 

"You're hurting me" Regulus sneered. James looked at him over his phone, his eyes COLD.

"Okay" he said, not loosening his grip. 

"I don't owe you loyalty. We're not together, James" Regulus said. James raised his eyebrows. 

"Oh I'm aware, trust me. I get reminded often enough" James laughed wryly. Regulus bit his lip, now he was the one getting hurt. The game was not funny like this. 

"I'm sorry?" he tried. James laughed again, it was cold and loud. 

"Hell you are. I don't believe shit you say" James said. Regulus wondered where this cold attitude had come from all of a sudden. What else had he done wrong? He didn't dare ask. 

"I'm tired" he said instead. James finally let go of his arm, but his touch seemed to linger on Regulus' arm. In silence they walked to Remus' dorm, softly knocking on the door, waiting for Remus to open up. 

"He's probably asleep" Regulus sighed. 

"He's not" James replied. Regulus pressed his lips tightly together, waiting for Remus, but no sign of life emerged from inside. James' phone buzzed and James sighed, taking a key from his pocket and unlocking the door. Regulus watched him with a frown.

"Where is Remus and why do you have the key? If you had the key all this time, why didn't you use it sooner?" Regulus asked. Nothing that was happening made sense to him right now. 

"Remus is with his boyfriend" is all James said. Ah, Remus was dating Sirius now. Got it. Regulus was surprised to find his suitcase on his bed, but he didn't ask about it. Not today. James sat down on Remus' bed, kicking off his shoes. 

"What are you doing?" Regulus asked him, eyes narrowed. James didn't look at him. Why wasn't he looking? All Regulus wanted was his attention. 

"You don't seriously think I'm spending the night in my dorm when both Sirius and Remus are there?" James scoffed. Oh. Fair. 

"Oh" Regulus said, undoing his dress and slipping under his covers, which smelled strangely like James, "Good night." 

James turned around in Remus' bed. 

"I should have left you there." 

Chapter Text

James woke up before Regulus did. He slipped out of Remus' bed and used the bathroom as quickly and quietly as possible. When he returned to put on his shoes, Regulus was still asleep. He looked so peaceful and handsome, but James still couldn't shake the feeling of anger that was taking a hold of him. He felt betrayed, in a way. Unfortunately for him, Regulus woke up when he unlocked the door to get out. 

"Jamie?" his hoarse voice filled the room. James bit his lip and pressed his eyes shut before taking a deep breath and turning around to face him. 

"No" he said. He was not going to do this, not now. He wasn't going to let Regulus get under his skin, make him swoon all over with sweet nothings and stupid nicknames. All he wanted was to forget Regulus. Maybe it was a bit late for forgetting, Regulus would still be around, James would be reminded of him all the time, but he at least wanted to forget his feelings. He didn't want to be stuck chasing after someone who didn't want him. 

"No?" Regulus repeated. 

"Good, you can listen. Yes, I said no. Not really in the mood to deal with you right now, if you'll forgive me" James said in a sarcastic tone. Maybe he was being a bit of an asshole on purpose, but what did it matter? Regulus had been an asshole to him for months. 

"What?" Regulus said, he was still half asleep but now sitting up in his bed. James suppressed the feeling of attraction to the younger boy. Sirius had been right all along, Regulus was not the person for him. 

"What don't you get, Regulus? I think I've made myself more than clear. I don't want to deal with you right now. I'm going to get some breakfast now and I'll probably see you around. Good bye and welcome back" James said. He did not wait for a reply, but stomped out of the dorm and slammed the door behind him, leaving Regulus in a state of confusion. James strode through the hallway, back to his own room. He longed for his own bed, but he had to wake up his friends for breakfast first, fill them in on all the details of last night, like he had promised the day before. Before he knew in what state he would find Regulus. Before his heart shattered. 

He knocked twice and when there came no answer, he just opened the door and walked in. Remus and Sirius laid piled onto each other, arms intertwined, still sleeping. James walked over to them and held Sirius' nose closed. They woke up gasping for air, almost bumping James in the face. James could step back just in time and spare his forehead. Sirius' sudden bolt also woke Remus up, which was very convenient.

"What happened?" Remus asked, ready to attack whatever had been bothering his boyfriend. 

"Good morning princesses" James grinned at them. He momentarily forgot his anger, every feeling in his body replaced by love and fondness of the two men in the bed before him. 

"Oh, hello James" Remus said, now sitting up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Sirius took a lot wilder approach. He jumped out of bed and wrapped his arms around James. 

"You didn't sleep here, did you?" they asked. James shook his head, returning Sirius' hug. 

"No, we came in rather late" he said, his mood faltering again. 

"So you slept in my room, didn't you?" Remus waggled his eyebrows. James bit his cheeks and looked away. 

"Yeah" he whispered. Sirius frowned at him.

"Are you- Is that not a good thing? Is he not here? What's up?" they asked. James shook his head.

"No, he's here, alright? I just- Fuck I don't even know where to start." He sat down on his own, empty and unused bed. Sirius was in their defensive sibling mode in a second.

"What did the asshole do?" he asked. Remus was now sitting with his legs over the edge of the bed, pulling Sirius towards him.

"Please just, calm down a bit" he sighed as he wrapped his arms around Sirius' legs. James sighed and shook his head. 

"It's not really important, doesn't really matter. He's here now and we have lots of things to arrange. So hop hop, out of bed and off to breakfast with you" James said. A tiny voice in his head was keeping him from telling his friends about Regulus and his stupid little hook up, like he was scared they would tell him Regulus had all the right to do that. They were never really together, after all. And maybe it was true, maybe Regulus did have the right to do what he did, but that didn't make James hurt less. He had spent weeks in panic, he had lost his position at the top of his classes because of Regulus. He had been stressing and worrying and done everything in his power to try and get the boy back to school. Back to him. And this was the thank you he got? Someone who did not want to be saved, someone who much rather would go and fuck some rando because he was bored? Looking back at the past months, it all made sense. Regulus had never really liked him, he was just trying to get with him, the night he got drunk and kissed James. He just saw James as a fun little game, just someone he could have a one night stand with, just to fuck with James' feelings. Because James knew, he was sure, Regulus knew exactly what James' feelings towards him were. He knew James was head over heels with him and he just saw it as a sweet little challenge to sleep with him. And the worst part was, it would have worked. James would have let Regulus do anything to him, if it meant they got to spend time together, if it meant Regulus would touch him, be close to him. James would gladly have let him. 

It was clear Sirius wanted to say something else on the matter, but Remus held him back. 

"Let's get dressed love" he said to them and Sirius softened. James' heart ached, he longed for a connection like that. His friendship with Sirius was the closest he'd ever gotten, they were each others soulmates, everyone knew that, but they both dated other people, never fell in love with each other, and no matter how strong their platonic bond, it was and would never be the same as Sirius' and Remus' relationship. Even being with Lily had not been the same. James had thought he had gotten close with Regulus, but look how that ended. No, maybe this kind of romantic love was just not made for him, and that was okay. It wasn't the only love to exist, after all. Love was also in the way James adored seeing Sirius and Remus happy. It was in the way Sirius got defensive over him when someone hurt him. It was in his parents. It was in the way James loved ice hockey. It was in the way he would do anything to protect his friends and it was in the way he cared about Regulus. Why did it always have to come back to Regulus? But he did not just care about him in a romantic love kind of way, he also cared about him in a brotherly way, he cared about him like a friend. Maybe that's what made it all hurt even more, James had also lost a friend. 

"Prongs, ready to go?" Sirius woke him from his thoughts. James blinked at them a few times, Remus was already holding open the door for them.

"Yeah, yeah I think so" James mumbled as he got up. His thoughts were still filled with Regulus, it was unfair. How had he let it get this far? 

James had hoped Regulus had fallen back asleep after he had left, but of course that was not the case. Even worse, he seemed to have colonized his friends. Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, Peter, Pandora, even Lily, Evan and Barty all sat with him. Even Lily, though he had told her everything last night. And even Evan, though that was to be expected, since he was friends with Regulus first. The small boy with the black curls sat in the middle of them all, a smug look on his face, his eyes fixated on James while he was talking, probably telling them everything that had happened after he ran away. Sirius seemed to forget Regulus had hurt James, because he took a sprint and wrapped their arms around their little brother. Remus did too. James just stood at the other end of the table, not meeting anyone's gaze. He couldn't seem to choose between leaving, sparing himself some pain, or staying and avoiding annoying questions. Regulus' eyes told him not to make a scene, and James was petty, but not that petty, so he got himself a tray with breakfast and sat down with his crowd, as far away from Regulus as possible, or at least, that was the plan. 

Marlene, who had been seated next to Regulus got up and giggled. 

"We can switch places if you want, James" she said, eyeing the two of them, clearly missing the tension between them. 

"Oh, no I'm good" James said, poking at this food, not really hungry. But of course, Regulus was only here to make things worse. 

"Yeah, Jamie, come and sit next to me. I've missed you" he said, with the fake sweetness dripping from his voice. 

"Oh have you now" James said in a low grumble, almost inaudible, but Regulus seemed to have caught it. His gaze hardened while he waited for James to switch places with Marlene. He did, of course, sit down next to Regulus, because he was a people pleaser and conflict avoidant. Sirius shot him a look, but James was too busy making sure his hip did not touch Regulus' hip. 

"We need to talk" whispered Regulus next to him. 

"You could have texted me that" said James. Regulus shook his head lightly.

"I don't have my phone. It's still in London" he said. James bit his lip, they had assumed Regulus would have his phone on him at the party, so probably no one took it from Grimmauld place. Sirius and Remus had gone there, when they were sure Kreacher was back home and the Blacks were gone. Sirius had not gone in, but they had done the talking with Kreacher. The two did not like one another, but the old man had some respect for Sirius, as he had been his parental figure for fifteen long years. Kreacher had let Remus inside, telling him they were collecting Sirius' old things. 

"I don't want to talk to you" James said stubborn, scooting an inch more away from Regulus. 

"Don't make a scene" Regulus whispered, but this time James decided he was going to be this petty. He got up, leaving his breakfast tray on the table, and walked away without saying a word. He heard Sirius calling his name, they were probably all shooting each other confused looks. Someone would probably change the subject, because talking over things was easier than putting effort into making sure others were okay. Maybe he should have just told  Sirius and Remus about his struggles.

James was about to unlock the door to his dorm when Regulus caught up with him.

"James" he called out and James came to a halt. Wow, won't you look at that, someone had come for him. Maybe it was not the person he was hoping for, but it was someone. James crossed his arms and looked at Regulus.

"What?" James sneered at the boy at the end of the hallway.

"Evan eh, told me to apologise" Regulus said. James let out a weak laugh.

"Good to know you need others to tell you when to apologise" he said. Regulus didn't flinch, he just held James' gaze while he slowly got closer. James was once again trapped in those bright blue, almost silver eyes. 

"I didn't know you'd be there" Regulus said. James was now cackling, struggling to catch his breath. 

"Oh how funny. Let me guess, if I hadn't seen you with that man, you wouldn't even ever have told me, would you now?" he laughed. Regulus pressed his lips tightly together and James bit the insides of his cheeks. 

"Cool, good to know" he said, after his laughter had died down. The situation had turned unfunny again, unlocking the rage inside James' bones once more. 

"James, I'm sorry" said Regulus. It sounded more like a question, or an unfinished statement, like there was more to come.

"You're sorry but you're not, because we weren't together? Because I'm not your and your not mine because god knows why? Because you don't do relationships? Because you're too insecure to believe anyone could truly like you? Is that it?" James snapped. Regulus broke the eye contact, mindlessly kicking his foot against the wall.

"People live there" James reminded him with a frown, but Regulus just shrugged. James could strangle him. 

"Well? Got anything else to say? I'd like to get some stuff done before classes start and you're wasting my time a bit here" James said when Regulus didn't respond. 

"No. I'm done. I'll see you around, James" said Regulus. His voice was small and on the verge of breaking. James wanted to set his anger aside, let the boy cry in his arms, tell him everything would be fine, but Regulus was not the victim here and James was really unstable, he doubted he'd be any comfort at all.

"Yeah, maybe" James said, taking one last look at Regulus, then opening his door and slamming it shut after entering his dorm. The moment the door fell shut, James collapsed to the ground. He leaned his back against the door and let the tears stream down his face. The hot streams warmed his cheeks, reflecting the burning fury inside of him. It was how deeply in love he was with Regulus what made all of this unbearable. If only the other boy could see this. 

James' classes went by in a blur, but they were a nice distraction, which was the only reason he even went to them. He skilfully ignored questions from Sirius, Remus and the others, dreading his last lesson of the day. It was the creative writing class, normally his favourite, now the bane of his existence. Regulus was a year lower, so they did not share any classes, except for this course. He wasn't there yet when James entered the classroom, followed on the heel by Lily. She was one of the few who knew why James was as upset as he was, but she did not mention it at all. Despite not saying anything about it, she sternly walked to the opposite side of the class from where they normally sat, and placed her bag on an empty table. James followed her example and shot Pandora, who sat at their usual spot, an apologetic look. 

"Maybe he won't even show up" James said hopefully, but Lily stared at the entrance of the room, where Regulus stood, his bag slouched over one shoulder, face paler than ever. James quickly looked away. He didn't think he could stomach seeing Regulus in this state, a state he had caused, though with fair reason, or so James believed. Still, he felt guilty. He should not have slammed the door in his face, that had been out of character for him. As he shot quick, secret glances at Regulus all throughout the class it also dawned on him he had just lost the only person he could skate with while feeling safe, without having to tell him to watch the roughness because his leg was still healing. He wouldn't be able to watch the other boy dance on the ice again, he would not be the one to come to the competition with him. It was painful to look at Regulus, but James also could not withhold himself. He was heartbroken and how was he supposed to act normal when the person he loved sat just a few meters away? How was he supposed to focus on his story when he could just get up and wrap his arms around Regulus, apologize for the things he had said. He wouldn't even expect an apology from Regulus' side and he would be okay with that. He just wanted them to be okay. He just wanted Regulus, wanted to be with him, for real this time. Wanted to hold him, kiss him, take him on dates, skate together, laugh together, cry together, show Regulus he was worthy of love. Is worthy of love. But the sensible part of his brain told him not to, they weren't right for each other and never would be. It would all be a constant stream of arguments, fights and breakdowns. No, it was better this way, the two of them not together. Maybe they should never even go back to being friends. 

After what seemed like hours, class finally ended and James decided to stop by his dorm before dinner. He told Lily he'd meet the lot of them in the great hall and went to his room for a refreshing shower. And it helped, the shower. It helped a lot. James felt like he had washed away all stupid feelings from that day and his mind felt a lot clearer. The fog that was his feelings for and about Regulus was gone, he could now clearly see that, yes he was still in love with him and yes, he was very angry with him, still. And that was good enough for James at that moment, until he noticed a small piece of paper on the ground, in front of the door. 

Meet me at the skating rink, 8 PM. 

R.A.B. 

•••

[takes place after James shut the door in his face, before creative writing class]

•••

Regulus felt terrible. Tears had been streaming down his face for the past fifteen minutes, the same amount of time he had been hiding in the little park just off campus, propped up against a tree, arms wrapped around his knees. He had messed up, messed up badly. How had he let it come to this? And if he knew and understood James' anger, why was it so hard to admit he had been in the wrong? To admit what he had done was stupid and he had not been thinking? Why was the only way for him to deal with this situation to act indifferent about it? James was right, Regulus was scared of commitment, something rooted from his fear of failure, of letting others down. After all, it was easier to push people away before they got to close. Take Remus, his best friend who was still here only because Regulus had been too late pushing him away, and now he was too attached, but also living in constant fear of Remus realising how bad of a person Regulus actually was and leaving him. Leaving him like Sirius had done. But he had gotten Sirius back, had he not? Well, he was likely to lose the both of them now, if they found out how he had hurt James. They must've found out by now, had they not? 

It was Sirius who found him then, half an hour later, eyes still swollen and red, but no more tears coming from them. His brother sat down next to him, taking the same position as he has. 

"Go away" Regulus hissed at him, but Sirius didn't move. He just looked at Regulus with a mix of pity and annoyance in his eyes. 

"Why is it that James is ignoring me and I find you here, bawling your eyes out after the both of you dramatically left breakfast early this morning?" he asked. Regulus looked him up and down and then rolled his eyes, keeping up his usual sarcastic demeanour. 

"I'm not bawling my eyes out" he said, wiping his cheeks and holding up his dry hands, "see? No tears." Sirius did not laugh and Regulus bit the insides of his cheeks. 

"If James hasn't told you, he probably doesn't want you to know" Regulus lied. He had no idea what James did and did not want. 

"Or maybe he's protecting you, huh" Sirius suggested. Regulus' heart skipped a beat at the thought, James defending him even though this was all his fault. James actually still caring about him, a chance for them to go back to normal. But then his heart sank to his stomach. James wasn't protecting him, he wouldn't, he was too angry with Regulus for that. 

"Wouldn't count on it" Regulus told Sirius somber. Sirius raised his eyebrows so high Regulus got the idea they were about to fly away. 

"So, what did you do? What the fuck could you possibly have done to hurt James this badly?" Sirius asked. Regulus let out a small laugh. 

"Why is it you automatically assume it was my fault?" Regulus asked. 

"I know James. If it had been his fault, he would be in bed, hiding under the covers, distancing himself from everyone around him. He would never forgive himself. Now, he will forgive you, because it's James we're talking about, for crying out loud, but I do still want to know what the fuck you have done to him" Sirius said. James was following his classes- that would mean there was a possibility Regulus would see him in the creative writing class later that day. And what had Sirius just said? James would forgive him? He wanted to believe that so bad, but something inside of him was telling him not this time. James would not forgive him this time. 

"He won't. Forgive me, I mean" Regulus said, on the verge of tears again. Sirius stared at him, still waiting for an explanation for what had happened. 

"He caught me after a hook up with some random dude, alright?" Regulus snapped. Sirius raised his eyebrows even higher. 

"Now, why did you have a hook up when you had James?" Sirius asked him, full of disbelieve. Regulus would have done the same if he were in his brothers shoes. 

"I- I was trying to get through the night and, well how was I supposed to know he'd be there? Besides, I didn't have James, not really. I never had him and I never will, alright?" Regulus said. 

"You could have" Sirius said. Yeah, great, keep reminding him. Keep reminding him of his stupidity. 

"No, I could not" Regulus sighed, but that was the truth. Even if he had been more open to the idea of somebody actually liking him, his fear of commitment would still be in the way. 

"You love him, yes?" Sirius continued. Did this man ever shut up?

"Love is a big wo-" Regulus grumbled but Sirius cut him off. 

"You love James, yes?" he repeated, a lot more forcefully now. Regulus played with the end of his shoes laces. 

"Yes" he whispered. 

"Then why are you sitting here, pitying yourself, hiding, when you should be out there, fixing this pretty little mess you've created for yourself?" Sirius asked. Regulus said nothing for a bit. 

"Mmh?" Sirius made a noise, reminding him he was waiting for an answer. 

"Because he doesn't want us to be okay. He won't listen to me and he seems perfectly fine with this all" Regulus spat. He couldn't get James' name over his lips, it was too painful. This actually made Sirius laugh. 

"Whats so funny?" Regulus asked with a frown. Had he said something stupid?

"You genuinely believe James is okay with any of this? You really think he doesn't want you to be okay? Reg, that man is so deeply in love with you, he is absolutely not okay with just letting you go, believe me. What I think happened, is that you both are very stubborn and you're terrible at saying sorry. If you apologizing went anything like you explaining this situation to me just now, I truly do get why James is still angry with you. You are not the victim here, Reg. You are the one who basically cheated on him" Sirius said. 

"I did not cheat. We weren't together" Regulus called out, quickly shutting his mouth after seeing the look on his brother's face. 

"And I'm sure James knows that, but it probably still felt like that to him." Regulus fell silent. He tried to imagine how he would feel if he caught James hooking up or even making out with anyone that wasn't him. Okay, Maybe he hadn't technically cheated on James, in their context he had. James had come to save him from his mother, for fucks sake. Regulus was still slowly getting used to the idea of James actually liking him back, let alone loving him, it all felt very surreal to him. 

"Alright, now, come on, we have a lot of things to arrange to make sure you can stay here this time" Sirius said. Regulus looked at him with disbelief. He had looked up the details himself multiple times, he knew all the steps that had to be taken to make sure his mother had no right to claim him back and there was no way Sirius and his stupid friend group could have pulled that off. Still, he followed Sirius back into the building and was led to an empty classroom where Remus, Dorcas and Marlene sat, clearly waiting for them. 

"About fucking time" Remus said, sounding annoyed, but the big grin on his face told otherwise. Why were Marlene and Dorcas here? 

Regulus walked out of the classroom about half an hour later, having signed a contract that told him he was now living with Dorcas and Marlene, which he was not actually going to do, but it was just the first step to officially leaving his parental house. Sirius would make sure to file a claim with the authorities to officially write him out and then he was free. Sure, his mother would probably still come looking for him, but she could not take and hold him anymore. It would be considered kidnapping then. Regulus had even insisted to pay part of the rent for the girls' house, which they had declined at first, but Regulus kept pressing it until they agreed. He needed to do something back for them, for letting him 'live' with them. After that, he had gone to McGonagall, explaining to her exactly what had happened and making sure she let him back into the school. She was hesitant at first, but since Sirius had gone with him, she had no choice but to say yes. Sirius just kind of had that effect on people. Then he took his day off until the last period, the creative writing course, where James would hopefully be. The way to the classroom felt dreadfully long and his legs were abnormally heavy, as if the universe was trying to tell him something. He did not immediately enter the room, he stood in the doorway for a second, looking around to see if James was there. At first he had though he was not, seeing he wasn't sitting in his usual spot, but then he found him and Lily Evans at the back of the class, opposite from where Pandora sat. James quickly turned his head away at the sight of him, but Lily gave him a long stare. It wasn't really a mean stare, it was more of a curious look, as if she was trying to uncover something. Regulus hesitated and then walked over to Pandora, dropping his bag on the desk next to her. 

"Whats up with them?" she asked, pointing at James and Lily. Regulus shook his head.

"I don't want to talk about it" he said, and with that the matter was dropped. Pandora started talking about the things he had missed in his absence and Regulus pretended to be listening, but in reality he could not stop glancing over to James, hoping he could catch the other boy looking his direction, but no such thing happened. James Potter was focussed on his work and chatted with Lily and the others around them, like the stupid celebrity he was. Regulus was jealous of Lily, who got to sit next to James, and of all the people James was talking to. He wanted to be the one to talk to James, but James did not want to talk with him. The writing course went by fast, Regulus barely got any work done, he was too pre-occupied with thinking about James and ways to make things right. Ideally everything would be okay before James' birthday, which was in about two weeks, if Regulus remembered it correctly. He was sure there would be a big party and Regulus would like to be invited. He wanted to be with James on his birthday. He had to make things right. He was still turning this thought over in his head when he got to his dorm. He just could not come up with a plan, his mind was blank. When he opened the door, Regulus stepped on a piece of paper. He picked it up and read the words written in messy handwriting. 

Meet me at the skating rink, 8 PM

J.F.P.

•••

Lily really tried to be there for James, to take his side, but when Sirius had come up with the idea of sliding notes under the boys' doors, she just had to help them. Lily wanted nothing more for James than to be happy, and she was sure he would be able to find this happiness with Regulus. She had written the note for James, Sirius had written the one for Regulus, imitating the handwriting as well as possible. They had gotten Mary to deliver the notes, since Remus could not know about this. He would be totally against it. Lily met back up with Mary and Sirius after creative writing class. James had gone back to his dorm before dinner, which was even more perfect than they had planned and Lily enthusiastically told the others this. She avoided Mary's gaze, still too nervous to be around her. This girl would truly be the death of her. Sure, she had been in love with James, or so she thought, but that had been totally different. The love Lily felt for Mary was on a whole other level. Most of her days were consumed by daydreaming about the other girl, even her school work had come to suffer under it, something she had both never experienced and would never admit to anyone. Every song she listened to, every book she read, every coffee she ordered reminded her of Mary. But she was too scared to tell Mary how head over heels she was, she wasn't even sure if Mary was queer. Sirius was talking about Remus' upcoming basketball match, and how all of them should definitely come to watch, to which Mary brightly agreed. Lily only agreed because Mary did. 

"Hey Mary, why don't you go ahead, claim our table. There's something I need to discuss with Lils" Sirius said. Mary nodded, her hair bouncing as she did so and headed on into the great hall. Sirius stopped Lily from walking, much to her annoyance. 

"What do you want?" she asked them. Sirius wore a sly grin on their face, something that turned on her kidney. 

"When are you going to ask her out?" Sirius asked, motioning his head to the great hall, where Mary was still in view. Lily's eyes opened wide and she pressed her pointer finger to her lips in order to shut Sirius up.

"Don't worry, she can't hear us from over there" they said with a wink. 

"I hate you, did you know? I'm not going to ask her out" Lily said. Sirius raised his eyebrows. 

"Why not?" he asked. 

"Why would I?"

"Because you like her?"

"I can like her from a distance"

"You're a mess, Evans" 

"Lily? A mess? Nothing new right?" James' voice sounded behind them. His hair was still damp, he had clearly taken a shower to clear his head. It was a bit weird to Lily, still knowing all these small details and habits about him when she was helping him get with the man he deserved. 

"Love you too, asshole" she joked and James swatted her shoulder. 

"She won't ask MacDonald out" Sirius sighed. James looked down at her and Lily crossed her arms like a small child. 

"Why not? You could bring her as your date to my birthday party" James said. Lily raised her eyebrows. 

"Who said you'll be getting a birthday party?" she asked. He was getting one, obviously, he always did. So did Sirius. James' party was also Lily's and Dorcas' party since they had settled on only two big parties a year, since they cost a lot and were hell to organize. Sirius shared their party with Marlene, who's birthday fell in the middle of summer holiday. 

"You seem happier than you did this morning mate" Sirius told James. James shrugged.

"I took a shower" he said. Sirius opened their mouth to ask something else, but Lily quickly kicked his leg to remind them they couldn't know about the notes. Sirius seemed to get the hint and quickly shut their mouth. 

"You guys coming or not?" James asked, walking into the great hall. Lily quickly followed him and so did Sirius. Mary looked up from her phone when the three of them sat down with their dinner. 

"Lils, I was thinking, maybe we could do some extra training after dinner? The weather is real nice and you have to teach me how you do those slidings so perfectly" Mary said. Lily almost chocked on the piece of potato she had just shoved into her mouth. 

"Just the two of us?" she stuttered. Mary nodded. Lily swallowed her food. 

"Eh, yeah, why not" she said, trying to sound cool, dying of nerves on the inside. The two of them had done things together before but never alone. There were always others with them. 

"Good idea Mary, I'm going skating later, need to train my leg a bit more, you know?" James said. Lily and Sirius exchanged a look and Lily couldn't help but grin a bit. 

Mary walked with Lily to her dorm to pick up her sports outfit. She stuffed some sweatpants and a cropped long sleeve in her bag, as well as her football shoes. Lily was not going to put her entire football outfit on for this. They stopped by Mary's dorm on their way to the field and Lily looked around the room as Mary picked out some clothes from a big pile at the foot of her bed. The room was decorated with tapestries and fairy lights. Unlike some dorms Lily had seen, Mary and her roommate, Emmeline, who was also on the football team, seemed to have similar taste in decoration, since the entire room was the same vibe. Lily was not sure what she had expected from Mary's dorm, but this fitted her better than anything Lily could have come up with. 

"I love the decorations" Lily said. Mary looked up at her and then looked around her room. 

"Thanks" she said with a smile. Lily wasn't sure what to say after that, so she kept her mouth shut. Mary walked out of the room and locked it. They walked to the field in silence, but it wasn't exactly an awkward silence. Lily was just happy to walk this close to Mary. Ever so often their arms accidentally touched and each touch sent a tingling through Lily's body. They were lucky no one else had decided the weather was nice enough for an evening practice. The sky was colored pink, the sun was slowly setting. Mary nicked one of the footballs from the shed and kicked it in Lily's direction, who picked it up with her foot and managed to do a few tricks with it, which was impressive, because she was still wearing her Mary-janes. She caught the ball under her arm and they made their way to the dressing rooms. Lily did her best to keep her eyes of Mary as they changed. When they walked onto the field again, Mary handed her one of her wireless earbuds. Lily took it and smiled at the music choice. ABBA, of course.

"Lily watch out" Mary laughed loudly as she ran her way after the ball. Lily didn't move out of the way in time and Mary crashed into her. They fell over, Mary on top of Lily and they both laughed. 

"God, I'm sorry" Mary cackled as Lily tried to rub her sore head, which had hit the floor with quite some force. 

"Ah, I'll be alright" laughed Lily. Most of her nerves had vanished during their training. Playing made her calm down and she was too busy observing Mary to feel nervous about being around her. Mary rolled from Lily so that they were laying down next to each other. The sun had completely gone down now and the bright lights around the field shone down on them. Even with these terrible white spotlights, Mary looked angelic. How could anyone not be in love with her? 

"What are you thinking about?" asked Mary, studying Lily's face. Lay all your love on me was now playing in the background and Lily could not think of a better fitting song. 

"My head. It hurts" Lily lied. Mary sat up. 

"Come here" she demanded, pointing at her lap. Lily hesitated but moved her head into Mary's lap, who started to massage her. 

"Mmm, feels so good" Lily whispered. Mary grinned. 

"Does it? I'm glad" she said with a wink. Lily felt her cheeks turn red as she closed her eyes and told herself to calm down. Mary removed her hands from Lily's hair and she sat up in an instant. 

"Why did you stop?" she asked. Mary looked at her, biting her lip softly. 

"Lily," Mary sighed, and it felt as if all the air was being sucked out of Lily's lungs, "Can I kiss you?" Lily said nothing for a few seconds, just stared at Mary, convincing herself she had not imagined the question. 

"Yes" she said then. Mary smiled gently and leaned into her. Lily felt her insides explode. It was better than anything she had ever experienced. Lily had never kissed a girl before, but it was even better than she could have imagined. The ABBA still playing in their ear made the whole thing a bit funny, and anyone walking past would probably wonder why two girls sat in the middle of the football field, kissing, but Lily didn't care. Mary moved her hair out of her face and they took a short break to breathe. Lily smiled against Mary's lips and Mary returned the smile. 

"I really like you" Lily whispered. 

"I really like you too."

Chapter Text

Regulus was shaking in his boots with nerves. His bag with his skates felt oddly heavy and the strands of hair falling in his face annoyed him severely, but his hair was too short to put in a bun. James was already there when he arrived, sitting in the stands, staring down at his phone. He looked a bit tired, as far as Regulus could tell from where he was standing. He wasn't sure if James had meant for him to bring his skates and now he felt stupid he did. Why had he expected they'd just go skate together and everything would be fine again? James looked up when Regulus let the heavy door fall shut behind him and he awkwardly stood up. Regulus walked over to him, glad to know he wasn't the only one who was nervous. He dropped his bag about two rows below where James was standing, keeping a safe distance between the two of them. 

"I got your note" said James, scratching the back of his head. His note? No, no that couldn't be true, James had sent him a note, not the other way around. 

"My note?" he asked. This couldn't be happening right now. James fumbled in his pocket and got out a crumbled up piece of paper. 

"Yeah, this one?" he said, holding out the note. It had the same exact words, just a different sign of and a much neater handwriting. Not as neat as his, though. 

"No, you are the one who sent me a note" Regulus said, retreating the note he had gotten from the pocket of his coat and handing it to James. James took it and laughed. At least he wasn't yelling at him again, that had to count for something, right? 

"That doesn't even look like my handwriting" he said. Regulus frowned and held up the note James had handed him.

"This does not look like mine either" he said. James pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and shook his head. 

"So I thought you wanted to talk to me, and you thought I wanted to talk to you but neither of us actually sent a note and now we're both here" James laughed. Regulus wanted too laugh as well, the situation was almost funny. 

"Oh, Sirius, you sly, sly motherfucker" Regulus hissed between his teeth. 

"You reckon it was them?" James asked. Them? Had Regulus been misgendering his brother this entire time? How had he not noticed? Why had no one said anything. 

"Of course it was. Also, them?" Regulus said. James nodded.

"Yeah, Sirius uses he and they. Has no one told you? Anyways, how could they know, I haven't told him anything" James said. Look at them, they were having a normal, civil conversation as if nothing had even happened. 

"I have, he found me mid breakdown this afternoon" Regulus clarified. 

"Oh, figures. I was just trying to protect you, or something. Didn't want them to go all batshit crazy on you, you know? Guess I do still care a bit, funny how that works eh? But I guess, if I didn't, I would not be here right now" James rambled. He was so clearly nervous, it was kind of adorable. And of course he was adorable, he was James mother fucking Potter, he had technically done nothing wrong so there was nothing wrong with Regulus for feeling this way about him. 

"Well, if we have both come here for nothing, maybe we should go then, yes?" James asked. 

"No" Regulus replied without thinking. James raised his eyebrows. 

"No?" 

"No" 

James sat back down in his seat, hands folded.

"Alright, go on" he said. Regulus cleared his throat and took a deep breath. 

"Alright, yeah. I eh, I'm sorry. Truly am. It was stupid of me and the way I responded when you called me out was also stupid and immature" he said. James nodded thoughtfully, as if judging him on something.

"Right. Was it that hard?" he said eventually. Regulus frowned, that was not the reaction he had been expecting. 

"Eh, yeah, I guess" he said. James leaned forward in his seat and looked Regulus straight in the eye. He lifted his skates and for a second Regulus was scared James was about to hit him with them, but he just stuffed them away in his bag. James would never actually hurt him, he knew this.

"That was truly all I needed to hear. Now, I'm not saying everything is forgotten and forgiven, I still need some space from you to think, but a genuine apology makes things a lot easier. I do really, really like you Reg, and that makes all of this ten times more frustrating, because I'm just genuinely hurt while I also know I have no right to be since there never really was an 'us', was there?" James said. Regulus swallowed, sure, it hurt that James needed time away from him, but this was all much better than he had anticipated. 

"I do get it, you know. I would have been mad too, if I were you" he whispered, "I was just, in my head you had already forgotten me and I wanted to forget you too, you know? And the worst part is, it didn't even work. This entire time, I was just fucking thinking of you. I know it's unfair and doesn't make things right, I just want you to know I sometimes get these thoughts that haunt me and they stay there until I start believing them and so I just wanted to be with you but the you in my head had moved on to someone else and I just could not get it out of my head." James considered him for a moment. 

"It doesn't make things right, no, but I do get what you mean. I convinced myself you were only pretending to be interested in me for a hook up after yesterday, you know? It sounds just as stupid as what you just said, so I guess we're even now" James laughed. This made Regulus' heart jump. How could James think that? Did he not know how much Regulus liked him? Loved him, even? How could he not? All Regulus wanted was to be his. Only his. Only them, forever. Of course, this was an unfair thought and Regulus grieved for what could have been. Them. Here, now, in the real world, James watched space from him, something Regulus did not want, but had to give. 

"Okay" was all he could manage to speak. 

"Okay" James agreed. He got up again, started to walk away, and this time Regulus did not try to stop him. Instead, he watched James till he was gone, till he heard the door slam shut and got out his skates. It had been weeks since he had been on the ice and he longed of the slippery coldness under his feet. Putting on his skates and walking to the ice was muscle memory at this point, he didn't even realise he was already there until walking became sliding and his blades made thin, white lines in the freshly mopped ice. Oh, how he had missed this. The speed, the jumps, the pain that came with failure. But it didn't clear his head, like it usually did, it just gave him space to think. Every new bruise came with the reminder of his pain within and every butterfly after landing a trick came with the butterflies he felt for James. Because he was, though it felt stupid, so in love with James Potter. There was no denying anymore how much he was longing for the other man. If someone would've told him he would be in love with James Potter in a few months when he transferred here, he would've laughed in their face. Now he was here, on the verge of breaking down because James needed space from him. He would stop having his meals in the great hall, he would spend more and more time with Barty and Evan and Pandora, as far from James' friend group as possible. Except Remus, of course, but Remus had been his friend first. Did Remus know about any of this or would he have to explain it all to him tonight?  Regulus was still slowly getting used to being back at school, why had he created this little drama for himself? He tried to push his thoughts away, he had to focus on his skating, Narcissa's voice ringing in his ears, telling him he had a skating competition next week. She had called him through the shared dorm phone that stood at the end of the hall after learning what had happened and why she had heard nothing of him for weeks ('you'll never be good with that attitude') but he couldn't say he had expected anything more. With lots of effort, Regulus managed to remember his new routine, skated it through a few times, until his legs started to give in. Part of him wanted to keep going, push himself over that edge, another part of him was holding him back. He couldn't risk any serious injuries so close to a competition. His best bet was to just go back to his room and get some sleep. Maybe he still had some sleeping pills lying around he could take.

The air outside was chilly, despite the weather noticeably warming up again, but maybe Regulus was just really tired. He was shaking a bit, too. He chose to ignore it and headed back for his dorm. Remus was there when he came in, sitting at his desk, working on something on his laptop. Some die essay, Regulus assumed. He mumbled a soft "hello" and dropped himself on his bed. Remus turned around to face him.

"You look terrible, what happened?" Remus asked. 

"How much do you know?" Regulus groaned. Remus shrugged.

"I know you and James are not speaking" he said. Regulus sighed.

"Yeah, that's basically it"  Regulus sighed, "And Narcissa is mad at me for my radio silence, saying I won't make it to pro with this attitude and what not." 

"I'm sure you'll do great with skating and honestly? I think James is one to forgive easily. Now, I'm not saying he must, but I think he will. I think you guys will be back to normal in no time" Remus said. Regulus muffled his groan in his pillow and all he could do was hope Remus was right. 

••• [happens at the same time, sort of]•••

Sirius was nervous for James and Regulus. No matter how much dislike he had for the two of them liking each other, being together, they hated seeing them hurt like this even more. Maybe sending the notes wasn't the brightest idea he could've had, but what's done is done. James had not yet returned and Sirius was in bed with Remus. Not in a sexual way, just, cuddling and both on their phone. 

"Sirius, love, what is it? you're shaking" Remus said. Sirius bit his lip, he had not yet told Remus was he, Lily and Mary had done, because Sirius was sure he'd be against it. He felt bad for lying to his boyfriend, but they were also scared of Remus getting mad at them. The shaking was just a thing that came with being nervous for him. 

"I might have done something stupid" he admitted, not daring to look at Remus. 

"What is it?" remus asked with concern in his voice. 

"I, ah," Sirius began, but he didn't get the chance to finish. The door slammed open and James stumped through. 

"I need a shower. Remus, why don't you go back to your own dorm? I need to speak with Sirius. Alone" he said. Remus frowned at Sirius, but they just shrugged and watched James storm off. Remus swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and looked at Sirius. 

"Yeah, alright. I'll see you later, then, okay?" Sirius said quickly. The longer he could avoid this conversation with Remus, the better. He just hoped Regulus would keep his pretty mouth shut. Remus gave them one last kiss before leaving the room. Sirius waited patiently for James to finish with his shower, he knew exactly what was about to come. He wasn't even surprised they had figured it out that quickly. The water stopped running and Sirius heard James stumbling through the bathroom, probably looking for his glasses. The man was practically blind without them. The bathroom door opened and James made a detour to his closet to throw on a clean shirt before turning to Sirius. 

"So" Sirius said, unable to hide a lopsided grin. 

"Why, Sirius?" James asked. He sounded a lot less mad than he had when he had stormed into the room. He usually calmed down after a shower, that was probably why he had already taken two this evening. 

"I just wanted you to be okay again" Sirius shrugged. James sighed deeply. 

"Talking to him didn't fix anything. All I need from him right now is some fucking space, which, by the way, I was getting until you decided to write that stupid, stupid note" he said. Sirius avoided his eye. 

"I'm sorry" they said. James let out a small laugh.

"No you're not" he said. Sirius dared to look at him, his tone has changed. Of course it had, James and Sirius couldn't stay mad at one another for long. Sirius grinned at James and James sat down next to him. 

"I mean, at least he apologised" James sighed. Sirius peered up.

"That's good! That's really good. What next?" they asked. James frowned and shook his head. 

"There is no next. I'm just, going to try and forget him. It'll be better for the both of us" he said. No, no that was not the intention. That wasn't going to make anything better. They'd just ignore each other forever, both too stubborn to give in. 

"What? No!" Sirius said. 

"I thought you were against the whole 'me liking your little brother' to begin with?" James asked. Sirius shook his head.

"And I am, I'm just more against seeing you like this, all burned out. You're the sun, James, you're supposed to shine. And he made you shine, I saw it and you may think it to be stupid or untrue, but I think you're kind of a perfect match. Just like we are platonic soulmates and Remus is my romantic soulmate, Regulus is yours." He had been thinking this for a while but had not dared to speak it to James. It was much more fun to pretend to be against it all, but they weren't blind. They could see exactly how well James and Regulus fit together.

"Remus is your soulmate huh?" James grinned.

"My god, it that all you're getting from this?" Sirius called out after which both of them burst out laughing. 

"Okay, but I do need some space from him. For now, alright?" James asked. Sirius nodded.

"I am going to invite him to your birthday, alright?" he asked in return.

"Okay" James said, "So tell me more about Remus, your soulmate."

Preparations for James/Lily's/Dorcas birthday party were in full effect. Remus was a great addition to their team, since he proved to be the least chaotic of them all. He and Lily were the most structural, keeping track of costs, who to invite, when and where. Dorcas and Marlene let them use their apartment to host the party at, just like they had for Sirius and Marlene's party at the beginning of the year. Mary was in charge of the alcohol and other drinks, making sure they'd have enough, both alcoholic and non alcoholic. James and Sirius made a guest list under supervision of Remus and Peter, who had very particular opinions on who not to invite. Peter made sure there would be food and snacks of all kinds and Marlene 'helped' him by crossing out everything she didn't like. 

Sirius looked over to Lily and Mary, who sat curled up together in one of the seats in Dorlene's house, legs intertwined, heads together. They were finally an actual couple and Sirius was happy for their friends. James was also looking. 

"It'll be alright mate" Sirius said. James seemed to be scared from his thoughts and looked at him startled.

"Oh, no, I'm happy for them, truly" he smiled softly. Sirius recognised a pain behind his eyes, but didn't comment on it. Instead he excused himself, mumbled something about needing to pick something up on campus and left. Regulus still didn't have a new phone, god knew why, so Sirius had no way to track him down. The halls were empty, it was the weekend and the weather was way too nice to stay inside. It was the middle of march, almost spring and the weather was finally perking up a bit. Sirius tried Remus' and Regulus' shared dorm first, but he wasn't there. He also wasn't in the library, nor in the great hall. Sirius' last hope was the skating rink, Regulus didn't strike them the person to go outside and enjoy the sun and he had no idea where Barty's or Evans' room was located. Sirius was glad Regulus was listening to James and giving him his space, but it also meant they had not yet gotten the chance to invite him to the party. Much to Sirius' frustration, the ice hall was also empty. He strode back with big, annoyed steps until he heard a familiar giggle. Sirius had passed the small park where he had found Regulus about a week ago, the only place he hadn't looked. And sure enough, there he was. Regulus, holding a joint, giggling with his friends. Pandora saw him first.

"Hey Sirius!" she said. She sounded even more floaty than she did usually. Barty and Evan held up their hand to greet Sirius and Regulus' head snapped up to look at him. He looked guilty, as if he had been caught something he shouldn't be doing. But Sirius was not here to tell him off, in fact, they were even happy to find that Regulus wasn't sulking in his room. 

"Want some?" Barty offered, gesturing at the joint. Sirius shrugged and took it from Regulus, who held it out to them. He took a drag and handed it back. 

"I was looking for you, actually" they said to Regulus.  His brother narrowed his eyes and looked up to them. 

"Whatever it is, it wasn't my fault" he said. Sirius ruffled Regulus' hair before being batted away with an annoyed look. 

"Don't worry," Sirius laughed, "I was just going to invite you to James' birthday party." 

"Hold up. Does he know this?" Regulus asked. Sirius nodded.

"And he's okay with it?" Sirius nodded again. Regulus pressed his lips tightly together but Sirius knew exactly what he was thinking. 

"Now, now, don't get your hopes up too high. Just because he is okay with you being at the party doesn't mean he's going to propose to you or whatever, alright? Anyways, upcoming friday, Dorcas' place, eight in the evening. We're having dinner together first, you can come if you want" Sirius said. Regulus looked at him in disbelief, as if all of this was one big joke. 

"You guys should come too, to the party, I mean" Sirius said, motioning at Regulus' friends.

"Oh we'll be there" Barty grinned. Sirius shot him a sarcastic smile. Barty annoyed the fuck out of them. Regulus' face fell.

"I can't" he said. Sirius frowned.

"Why not? You won't actually have to talk to James" They said. Regulus shook his head.

"No it's not that. It's just, I have a skating competition the day after and I can't afford it to show up out of shape. Cissa will kill me" he sighed.

"You can just,,, not drink, go home early, whatever. Just, try to be there? For James? For me?" Sirius tried but Regulus kept shaking his head.

"Well, you tried. We'll be there anyways" Evan giggled. Sirius dropped their shoulders in a disappointed sigh and left them alone. He was feeling a little defeated, but maybe it was for the better. Drunk James tended to make stupid decisions and Regulus being there would not improve his case. 

The door was open when he arrived back at the girls place, Lily and Remus arguing about something, but it didn't really sound serious enough to let them go on. Sirius gave Remus a quick kiss and Lily laughed.

"Gay people" she sighed and followed Sirius into the house. 

"What were you arguing about?" Sirius asked. 

"Ah nothing serious. Remus just thought that dinner at six was too close to party at eight. Which is utter bullshit, if you ask me" she laughed.

"That's two hours! In what world would that not be enough time" Sirius frowned.

"Who knows" sighed Lily, "did you manage to grab what you needed?" 

"Unfortunately not" Sirius admitted. Peter arrived from the kitchen with mugs filled with coffee and tea.

"Oh Sirius, you're back. I didn't know when you'd be back so I didn't get you anything. What do you want?" Peter asked, placing the mugs on the kitchen table where the rest was seated.

"I'll do it myself" Sirius said, retreating to the kitchen. The kettle was still hot and Sirius grabbed a mug from the cabinet. 

"He's not coming, is he?" a voice behind him sounded. Sirius almost jumped and turned to look James in the eye.

"No, I'm sorry" they sighed. 

"Ah, it's fine. I'll just get a bit more space I guess" James sighed. Sirius could hear some sort of disappointment seeping through his words, and he knew his best friend. James was obviously having a hard time, probably very conflicted in his feelings and Sirius could see why. James' crush had been more than just a little crush, and he missed Regulus, but knowing James, he was also still hurt by what had happened. James was the kind of person to hold a grudge, except when it involved Sirius. 

James hopped onto the kitchen counter and looked at Sirius. 

"I want to forgive him, let it go, but everything is just, so very complicated" he said. Sirius nodded.

"I know, I know" they said, "no one ever said this shit would be easy. But come on, you're James motherfucking Potter, you've got this mate." 

"Thanks, I love you, Sirius. I really do. Where would I be without you" James smiled. 

"Shagging my brother, probably" Sirius grinned. James gave him a wide grin back and held up his mug as a toast. Sirius did the same and they drank their tea in silence. Marlene walked into the kitchen, eyebrows raised.

"Who died?" she asked. 

"No one" said James.

"Yet" added Sirius. 

"God, I hate you guys, did you know?" Marlene shook her head. James smiled and blew her a kiss.

"And get your ass of my counter!" she added. 

"Dorcas sits here all the time" James argued.

"Dorcas lives here" Marlene argued back. James jumped from the counter with a sigh, placing his empty mug in the sink and Sirius followed his example. They flung their arm around Marlene's shoulder and walked with her to the living room. 

"Whats for dinner?" Sirius joked. 

"Your mom" Marlene answered.

"Ooh, eat the rich, I like it" James chimed in. 

"Honestly you lot" Peter sighed from the couch where he laid stretched out. Sirius took the time to look around the room and take it all in, all his friends here, together. He couldn't be more happy with how well Remus fitted in with them and they couldn't be more blessed with the people they had surrounded themselves with. The only thing that was missing was his brother, but Sirius felt, deep down, that even that would end up alright. Everything would be alright in the end. It had to.

Chapter Text

James had been awoken by Sirius hanging over his bed, singing happy birthday at the top of his lungs, for what James knew to be just the first time that day. There would be many more singing breaks. He groaned and covered his head with his pillow. 

"Get up loser, we have classes to attend" Sirius yelled at him. They were not wrong, it was, after all, just a regular Friday. The party would not be until the evening and even his birthday dinner was still hours away. 

"What's first?" James asked. Sirius looked at the time table they had stuck up on the door. 

"Advanced English Lit" they sighed. James let out another muffled groan before Sirius dragged him out of bed. There was no time to shower if he also wanted to catch some breakfast and he knew their friends were depending on him showing up to breakfast, so it was an easy choice. James couldn't let down his friends. 

And he was right, everyone was awaiting him in the great hall, starting to sing the moment he and Sirius set foot inside. A few other students looked around, lost, to see what was happening. James wasn't even ashamed by this action anymore, they did it every year, some kind of birthday tradition. It happened for everyone's birthday. Mary and Lily had provided them with cake which they all ate with excitement, happy to be able to skip the same old college breakfast and replace it with something much more tasty. James did feel sort of disappointed Regulus was not with them, but he tried to shove the thought away and just enjoy his birthday as it was. He got to celebrate it with his best friends, what else could he wish for? He would see Regulus another time, soon enough, since he had decided he was done with the whole 'needing space' thing. James didn't need any more space, he needed Regulus. He unwrapped the presents his friends had gotten him and thanked them all gratefully. Peter and Sirius had gotten him a new helmet for ice hockey, Lily and Mary gave him new a new bag for his skates and sports clothing and Marlene and Dorcas gave him a gift card to spend at the local bookstore. 

His classes were pretty boring, not much happened except for Sirius getting the class to join them in singing happy birthday every class they shared. James found some time between his last lesson and the birthday dinner to shower himself and get dressed for his party. He, Lily and Dorcas had decided to all wear various shades of red, to match one another, so James wore black pants that were maybe a size too big on him and a red shirt that was maybe a size too small on him, but he looked good, in his opinion. He felt good, so he looked good. When he got to Dorcas’ and Marlene’s place, the rest of their group was already there. James tried his best not to let on he was slightly disappointed Regulus really wasn’t there, but he set the feeling aside and enjoyed the birthday meal. Dorcas had picked the entree, doro wat with injera, traditional Ethiopian dishes, to celebrate her roots. James himself had picked the main course, because it was his birthday, and had chosen Kebab served with pita bread. Last year they had found out Peter made the dish almost as well as James’ mother herself and they had been pushing him to cook it for them ever since. Lily had picked the dessert, and had baked aberffraw biscuits. The dinner overal was very nice, they laughed and talked and drank and ate and James felt genuinely happy, for the first time in weeks. He felt like everything would be alright in the end, he just gad to stick it out a little longer. And he would. He had his friends, he had the ice back, he had his school. He would stick it out, he just had to figure out what to do about Regulus. After dinner, James helped Remus with the dishes, who was still very stressed about the ‘tight’ schedule (they had about forty five minutes left till the party would start) and Peter, who wanted to be in control of everything, so even the dishes. 

“Peter, the food was amazing” James said. He was already a bit tipsy, they had gone through a fair share of wine bottles during dinner. Peter smiled at him. 

“I’m glad you liked it, birthday boy” he grinned. James wrapped his arm around Peters shoulders. 

“Pete, of course I did. You’re like, the best cook I know. I love you, mate” James sighed. Peter pulled him into a hug with a content smile and James reminded himself to openly appreciate his friends more often. The dishes were done in no time, even though James and Peter got distracted halfway through and had a towel fight, much to Remus’ annoyance. Now, they had twenty minutes to spare before people would start showing up (Marlene would not be opening the door before eight) and Peter had hurried off to god knows where. James nervously turned to Remus and asked the question that had been burning inside of him, waiting to be asked and answered. 

“How is he?” he asked. Remus hesitated and frowned uncertain.

“Regulus?” he asked. James softly bit his lip and nodded. He had been scared to ask the question in the past weeks, somehow. Like the answer would disappoint him in a way. He wanted Regulus to be doing good, great, even, but he also didn’t want to face Regulus feeling better without him, not when je felt so much worse without Regulus.

“He’s been,,, okay, I guess. I haven’t really seen much of him as of lately, to be honest. It’s like he’s been hiding from me” Remus said with a sad look in his eyes. James didn’t say anything, just gave a small nod. How terrible that must be for Remus, his supposedly best friend. Still, it was somehow reassuring to know Regulus hadn’t been doing well either, isolating himself, though it was a terrible coping mechanism. James just hoped he could get ahold of the younger boy sometime soon to make things right again. He didn’t want the space he had claimed to need to badly anymore. He just wanted Regulus.

•••

Regulus had tried to find James all day, just to wish him a happy birthday, but the boy was nowhere to be found. Barty and Pandora had made it their mission to convince him to join them at the party, but Regulus refused to. He needed his sleep. But the later it got, to more Regulus started to doubt. He really wanted to see James, and he could just, not drink anything, hand over his present and leave again. He would be back in bed no time, what could it hurt to try? And that's how Regulus ended up on the floor of Evans room, pandora sitting across him, doing his make up. She had insisted on doing it, even after Regulus had complained he could do it himself. He was wearing his regular colour palette of all black, but his shirt was slightly tighter than what he would've normally worn and his pants flared at the bottom. He wasn't there to outshine James on his birthday, but he did want to impress. Pandora was softly humming along to the song while she added tiny stars to his face with eyeliner. 

"Do you have a present for him?" she asked. He did. It was sort of embarrassing, but he did. He had annotated his copy of 'The Secret History' and thought it would be a book James would very much enjoy. On top of that, he had taken of one of his rings, the one with his constellation, and put it into the package. It was a stupid present, he knew it, but he didn't know what else to give. He had quickly wrapped it before Evan and Pandora came to pick him up. Evan and Barty were sitting on Evans bed, quietly arguing over something. Regulus couldn't help but wonder how much more time they needed to learn they were into on another. 

"Panda, don't you need to get dressed as well? There will be more than enough good looking people to impress" Barty called at her from the bed. Pandora giggled.

"No need to impress anyone, I've got a boyfriend" she laughed. All three boys loudly  gasped. 

"You do? And didn't tell us?" Barty screeched. 

"Since when?" Evan asked.

"Oh have for a long time. You guys just never asked" Pandora sighed.

"Whats his name?" Barty asked. 

"Xenophilius" Pandora said dreamily. Evan and Barty exchanged a look and let out a snort.

"Sounds fake" Barty said. Evan hummed in agreement. 

"He doesn't go to school here, silly" Pandora sighed, "I'll bring him some time." Regulus smiled in himself. He couldn't possibly imagine a man that would fit Pandora and her weird ways, but if they had been together for multiple years, there must be something about this man. He couldn't wait to meet him. 

"Done" Pandora squealed excitedly. Regulus jumped to his feet, grabbing his present off the bed and looked at his friends.

"Ready?" he asked. Barty smirked.

"So eager" he tutted. Regulus rolled his eyes, but his hand was already on the doorknob, on his way to open up and leave. 

Peter opened the door, looked the four of them up and down and stepped aside without saying a word, letting them inside. They threw their coats on the pile on the ground and stepped into the house, the house where Regulus supposedly lived. There were many people Regulus knew by face, but had never talked to. A girl from his classic lit class waved at him and je gave her a small smile and a nod of the head. 

"So many hot people" Barty sighed. Evan gritted his teeth behind his back, staring at him with a crazed look. Regulus raised his eyebrows at him and Evan batted his hand to hit him, Regulus ducked in time. 

"Just tell him" he whispered.

"There is nothing to tell him. He can fuck whoever he likes. I bet we'll lose him again in about ten minutes" Evan hissed back. Regulus tutted at Evans sneer. Barty, who had missed the scene, turned around and grabbed Evan by his wrist.

"We're getting some drinks" he said, dragging Evan with him.

"Be safe" Regulus yelled after them and Evan flipped him the bird. 

"How do they not see it" Pandora sighed. Regulus shrugged and shook his head. He couldn't wrap his head around how oblivious his friends were either. The house was packed and Regulus felt he had made a mistake. The music was loud and overwhelming and it smelled like alcohol and cheesy doritos, a smell he could not stand. He didn't see James or his brother anywhere and he was just about to turn around when someone called his name. It was Sirius. 

"Reg?" they said. Regulus smiled awkwardly and Pandora said something about also grabbing herself a drink, leaving him alone. 

"You made it" Sirius said excitedly. 

"Just stopping by. I'm not planning on staying" Regulus quickly explained himself, as if Sirius was about to tell him he was no longer welcome. 

"James is at the back of the room, if you're looking for him" Sirius said. 

"I wasn't" Regulus lied. Sirius raised their eyebrows, but said nothing. Neither of them knew what to say next, and so, Regulus made his way across the room. There he was, James Potter, standing with his back turned to him, talking and laughing with Lily and a boy he didn't recognise. A wave of jealousy washed over him, even though he knew perfectly well Lily was now together with Mary and he had never even seen this guy before. He couldn't be anyone special. Right? James had not asked for space just to go and fuck around with other people, right? While he was standing there, contemplating what to do, Lily caught sight of him and gave him a surprised look. He nudged the boy and excused themselves, after which they disappeared into the mass of people. James slowly turned around, his glasses balancing on the tip of his nose, grinning his familiar, lopsided grin that Regulus loved so much.

"Hi" Regulus breathed. He wondered if James could even hear him over the loud music.

"Hello pretty boy" James slurred with a drunk smile after a short silence, "you're here." 

Pretty boy

Pretty boy

Pretty boy

"Happy birthday" said Regulus, holding out the badly wrapped present. He hadn't had the time to package it properly, but James did not seem like the kind of person to care about that sort of thing. James took it from his trembling hand, maybe he did need a drink after all. 

"I'll be right back" he muttered and hurried of to get himself some alcohol. Narcissa would kill him if he showed up hungover tomorrow, but he could not deal with this sober right now. James followed him across the room to the kitchen, cup clenched in one hand, Regulus' present, unwrapped, in his other. 

"I thought you weren't coming" James spoke.

"We're you hoping I wouldn't?" Regulus asked, pouring himself a generous amount of vodka, mixing it with some diet coke. 

"On the contrary. I was a bit disappointed when I heard you weren't, if I'm being honest" James said. And honest he was, he had probably no idea what he was saying at this point. James put down his cup on the kitchen counter and fumbled with the wrapping paper. Regulus looked away, he found it terribly awkward to watch people unwrap the gift he'd given them. He heard the paper ripping as he stared down at his drink. Another silence. Regulus felt the time ticking by and James wasn't saying anything. He realised how he had realised he had no idea if James liked to read, he had just sort of assumed because he liked writing. When Regulus looked up James was staring at the ring, spinning it around on his finger. 

"Oh reggie" he whispered under he breath. 

"It's okay if you don like it, it was stupid anyways" Regulus smiled nervously. He wanted to cry, but instead he took a few big sips from his cup. The alcohol/soda ratio was terrible, the burning taste of the vodka was not drowned out by the coke. 

"Don't like it? Are you insane? I love it" James said, tripping over his words, dragging the love. 

"You're really drunk" Regulus noted. James giggled.

"Who cares? It's my birthday, pretty boy." 

Pretty boy

Pretty boy

Pretty boy

"Happy birthday" Regulus repeated. Not letting go of the book, James wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace. Oh how Regulus had missed him. 

"I've missed you" James whispered in his ear, as if he had read his mind. Regulus just nodded, he couldn't get any sound over his lips. James let go of him and Regulus quickly took another two sips. 

"I-I'm sorry" Regulus said once more. James shook his head.

"All is forgiven baby. God, being away from you had just made me realise how much I need you in my life" James sung. And as much as Regulus wanted to believe it, he wasn't too sure how happy sober James would be with these words the next morning. Drunk words, sober thoughts, but sometimes we wouldn't want these sober thoughts to be known to others. They were interrupted by Barty stomping their way, his face thunder. 

"I hate him. I fucking hate him" he hissed to Regulus. He and James both stared at him, completely lost. 

"We go to this damned party together, right? Well, look at him now, being all cute and flirty with that stupid girl over there, leaving me alone. What am I supposed to do on my own?" Barty continued, pointing in the direction of the sofa, where Evan was seated, laughing with a girl Regulus didn't know. 

"And you can't just sit with them because?" James asked. Barty's eyes shot fire.

"Because I can't stand him talking like that, with his stupid voice and his stupid smile he changes when theres a girl around" he said, as if this was obvious.

"And you're mad because he left you alone, no other reason" Regulus said, his eyes narrowed at Barty.

"Yes" Barty said. Regulus and James shared a meaningful look. 

"Alright," said Regulus, "I'll talk to him." He shot James an apologetic look before hurrying off to Evan. 

"Evan" he hissed at his friend. Evan looked up at him and it became clear to Regulus he had had a bit more than just alcohol. They had been here for, what, twenty minutes at most? Well, good for him. 

"What" Evan laughed.

"Barty is complaining you left him alone. Please just, stick with him or whatever" Regulus sighed. Evan rolled his eyes.

"He's being a dick, I don't want him as company" Evan said. Regulus shrugged.

"Fair enough I guess but I'm heading back to James, please deal with him yourself. I'm sending him your way" he said. Evan rolled his eyes and excused himself to the girl he was sitting with. Regulus could very well see he had not been flirting with her, Barty was just very jealous. 

•••

"Barty, stop being a pussy, he is not flirting with her, you insecure fuck" Regulus told Barty, before sending him away. 

"I'm sorry about that" Regulus sighed. James shook hos head. He was just glad to be talking to Regulus again. Words couldn't describe how being without him had felt, how he had longed to be able to touch and talk and be with him felt, which was stupid and hypocritical because he had been the one that needed space. And the space had done him well, it had only made him realize even more how much he loved Regulus Black. Besides, Sirius finally seemed to be getting around to the idea. James was just not sure how to tell Regulus he wanted to be with him, actually be together, for ever and ever. James felt like it might come off as creepy to just tell him it like that, like he was stupidly obsessing over the younger man. He mindlessly twisted the ring Regulus had given him. James had recognized immediately, it had been one of the rings Regulus always wore and the fact he had now passed it down to James meant the world to him. James looked at his own empty cup. 

"Do you also want some more?" he asked Regulus, holding up the empty cup. Regulus shook his head. 

"I have a skating competition tomorrow. I won't be staying long" he sighed. James pouted, but then he remembered he should be grateful Regulus was here at all, since that had not been his original plan. James stared at him, unable to keep his eyes of the boy in front of him. He had never seen him wearing a crop top, but oh, he wore it so well and James was so down bad. He was enchanted by Regulus' eyeliner, which consisted of a black line around his eyes and an array of stars across his face, almost blending in with his real freckles. He looked like magic. He was magic. 

"You're staring" Regulus told him. James blinked a few times. 

"No I'm not" he said defensively, but Regulus was right, he had been staring. But could you blame him? 

“Are too” Regulus said with a sly grin. James sighed and reached out to touch his face. He dragged his fingers softly over the drawn on stars and down to Regulus’ lips. 

“I’ve missed you” James whispered. He was so far gone, the alcohol and the touch of Regulus’ skin melted his brain to a puddle. The party was full on, but the music and the people around them didn’t even register in James’ brain anymore. 

“Are you okay?” Regulus asked. James nodded.

“I think I need some fresh air, don’t you?” he said, not looking away from Regulus’ face. A love-drunken grin was plastered onto his face as he took Regulus’ hand and guided him through the party to the balcony. It was the end of March and the evenings weren’t as cold as they were two weeks ago, so they were fine in just their shirts, without a coat. The sky was clear, no clouds to be seen, just total darkness filled with tiny, bright stars and an almost perfectly full moon. Would the full moon be tomorrow or was it yesterday? A soft breeze brought cold air with it, causing the two of them to scoot a bit closer to one another. Though they had both apologised, there still was an awkward air between them that James couldn’t shake. 

“So, how have you been?” he asked, to break the silence, but Regulus didn’t reply. He turned to face James and got onto his tiptoes to reach his face before placing his lips on James’. It took James and his alcohol infused brain a second to realise what was happening before wrapping one arm around Regulus’ waist and the other in his hair, leaning slightly forward to make it more comfortable for the smaller boy. His black curls were soft and already a lot longer again. The kiss wasn’t soft or tender, it was raw and full of desperation. It was more teeth than lips but neither of them seemed to care. They kissed like they were dependent on it, like their life would be over if they stopped and James felt alive for the first time in weeks. They broke the kiss in a gasp for air, but instead of crashing back together, James pulled Regulus closer and wrapped his arms around him tightly. 

“I love you” he whispered. At this Regulus froze for a second before escaping from James’ grip. His eyes flashed over James’ face once more before he disappeared inside. James wanted to follow him and look for him, but he knew the boy would be gone already. He had made mistake. Instead he dropped down to the floor of the balcony and lit a cigarette. He felt like he deserved one. He brought his legs to his chest and wrapped one arm around them. 

I love you

What a stupid thing to say. He had scared of Regulus with it. Pretty little Regulus who would be running home by now, hop into bed and try to get a good nights sleep before his skating competition. The skating competition! That’s it. James finished his cigarette, flipping it over the edge of the balcony, and headed inside. He immediately found who he was looking for, glad they had not left with Regulus. 

“Barty, Evan, I need your help” James sighed. The boys looked up to him from the couch they were laying on. 

“Hello lover boy, where’s Reg?” Evan asked. 

“He eh, went home to get some sleep,” James lied, “do you guys know where his skating comp is tomorrow?” Barty and Evan gave each other a look. 

“What are you up to, Potter” Barty smirked. 

“Cut the bullshit and just give me the address” James sighed. He held out his phone and let Barty type it out. In his mind, he crossed his fingers hoping Barty would give him the actual right place and was not just fucking with him, but there was only one way to find out and that had to wait until tomorrow.

James enjoyed the rest of the party just enough, but the house felt empty without Regulus in it. He made up an excuse to leave a bit early, promised he would stop by to clean up the next day to Dorcas and left. The place Barty had given him was at least a real ice rink and bless him, he had also written the time the competition was supposed to start next to it. James took a quick shower in hopes to sober up just a bit and set his alarm.

His morning self was less happy with his drunken selves’ idea when his alarm went off at six in the morning after a short three and a half hours of sleep but he reminded himself it was for a good cause. 

The trip to the stadium was long and nerve wrecking. Part of James was scared he still wasn’t completely sober but the breathalyser the college provided to students had told him otherwise. The sun was still rising and the sky was filled with the most beautiful colours. All James could do was hope Regulus wouldn’t be mad at him. Mad at him for what, even? Loving him? Or had he just been scared? He didn’t know. But he did know he couldn’t lose Regulus again. 

•••

Regulus was sitting below the stands with Narcissa who was giving him a harsh run through of everything he had to do right to qualify for the next competition, but his head wasn’t in it. All he could do was replay last night over and over in his head. How he had kissed James and then ran off after James had told him he loved him. Why had he done that? He loved James as well, did he not? Yes, of course he did, he was just a massive pussy and afraid of commitment. Could James forgive him? He had to get back to school after this thing was over as soon as possible to make it up with James. He had to-

“Regulus” Narcissa snapped her long, boney fingers in front of his face. 

“Yes, sorry, I’m listening” Regulus said, heath rising to his cheeks. He knew he couldn’t fuck this up, Narcissa would drop him and then he wouldn’t have a coach. He needed a coach, Narcissa reminded him often enough and so he forced himself to listen to her ramble until it was time to skate. He didn’t watch the others perform, but he was jealous of their music choices. He felt very basic with his choice of Chopin. Or well, Cissa’s choice. Well, at least it wasn’t the swan lake or the nutcracker. When it was finally time to go on, he stripped off his sweatpants and hoodie and dug the front of his skate into the ice, waiting for the first few notes of the music. He made his round around the ice keeping his head high and his mouth pressed into a thin line. He greeted the judges and made another round. He looked into the public again, but he wasn’t really seeing them until he flashed by a familiar face with familiar dark, messy hair and familiar round glasses. But he couldn’t look back to check if it was actually James so he told himself he had just imagined it. He focused on his first jump, neatly in sync with the music and in his landing he had time to look into the stands again to where he swore he had seen James. And there he was, arms crossed, smiling brightly down at him. What was he doing here? Regulus tried his best to ignore him and to not let his presence affect his skating, but it was hard. He felt he needed to impress James in a way, which maybe was a good thing, because he forgot about everything else around him. Flying over the ice. Jump. Twist. Turn. Keep your face tight. Point your toes. Jump. Fly. Glide. Twist. Faster. Faster. Jump. Bow. Breathe.

Breathe, it was over. He could breathe again. He had done just fine, had he not? Narcissa didn’t look angry, or did she? He couldn’t tell. All Regulus knew was that James was here. James came to see him. James came to support him. James didn’t hate him. Were they still okay after all? Had he meant everything his drunken self had said? Had James truly forgiven Regulus? Maybe he had. Regulus didn’t hear anything Narcissa said to him, but hoe important could it really be? 

After a long time of waiting, the placements were announced. Regulus had come in a mediocre third place, which his cousin was less than happy with, but Regulus couldn’t care less. He had still placed for the next round and he could finally leave and find James. Surely he had stayed for him, right? He didn’t change into normal clothes, he just swapped his skates for his shoes and put on his sweatpants and hoodie again. Without saying a word to Narcissa, he left the building and headed to his car. James was there, just like last time. He was leaning against his own car, which he had parked next to Regulus’. 

“Hey pretty boy” James said with a grin, making Regulus’ heart jump. 

“Hi James” he whispered. 

“Well done” James said, “You did great.” It took Regulus a minute to realise James was referring to the competition. 

“You think so? Thanks” Regulus said, painfully aware of the tension in the air. They were making small talk, how stupid was that? They were practically back to ground nul. 

“Yes, you always remind me of some kind of fairy when you’re on the ice, how you seem to fly like you were born for this” James nodded. Regulus bit his lip. 

“Look I’m sorry for yesterday” he said. James gave him a lopsided grin.

“Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have said it, it was stupid” he said. Regulus shook his head and took James’ hand. 

“No, James, it’s not stupid. I just, I got scared and I’m sorry” Regulus said. 

“No really, it’s okay, you don’t have to explain yourself. I should not have said it” James muttered. Regulus let out a soft groan. 

“Jamie, shut up, will you?” he said.

“I love you too”

Chapter Text

It had been a week since James had shown up to Regulus' competition, a week since James' party, a week since Regulus had said 'I love you' back. And still, not much had changed. James had barely seen Regulus all week, he even had a feeling Regulus was ignoring him. Sirius told him not to worry about it, he'd come around soon enough, but James had been on edge all week. Trying to catch Regulus after lessons, at the skating rink, catching glimpses of him in the hallways, but nothing. There was little to no Regulus to be found. It hurt, it hurt very much, like James had done something wrong, like Regulus felt he had made a mistake, while in James' eyes, it had been one of the best things that had ever happened to him. He had thought he'd finally gotten Regulus back, but now they were back to their usual, ignoring and avoiding. He had finally decided to make an end to this and was now on his way Regulus' room. He hoped Remus wouldn't be there, but if he was, and Regulus wasn't, maybe Remus could tell him where he went. James took a deep breath and knocked on the door to the dorm room. There was some shuffling sound inside and after half a minute the door opened. Remus stood in the doorway and James could see Regulus sitting on the floor behind him. 

"Hey Remus" James smiled nervously. 

"Hey James" Remus grinned. At the sound of his name, Regulus' head shot up with a shocked look on his face. 

"Do you think I could borrow Regulus for a minute?" James asked. Remus turned around to his friend. 

"There's somebody here for you" he said.

"Tell him I'm not home" Regulus grumbled from inside the room. Remus laughed. 

"Come on Reggie, be a good boy and get up" he said. It was truly something magic, the friendship between Remus and Regulus. It was so different from James' and Sirius' friendship, but just as good. Regulus got up immediately, though the expression on his face was still not particularly happy. 

"Please talk to him, he's been sulking in his room all week" Remus whispered to James. 

"I'm afraid that is my fault" James whispered back. Remus grimaced. 

"I hope you guys sort your things out, this is getting ridiculous" he said. James bit his lip and nodded.

"Yeah, me too" he said. Regulus passed Remus and motioned for him to go inside and close the door. He waited until Remus was gone and then began to speak. 

"What do you want?" he said. James said a step back out of surprise. His voice was cold and distant. 

"I-I just, eh" he had no idea. He had completely forgotten what he came here to do. Regulus crossed his arms in front of his chest as if to shut James out completely. James swallowed and locked eyes with Regulus. The ice grey eyes reminded him what he was here to do. 

"Have I done something wrong?" he asked. Regulus narrowed his eyes, as if trying to figure out if this was a trick.

"No" he said eventually. James let out a deep breath. 

"Then why are you ignoring me? Why are you so distant toward me? I don't get it, Regulus. I really don't" he said, throwing his arms up in the air. Regulus dropped his arms from his chest. 

"Of course you don't" he said. His voice was just as cold as before. 

"Okay, then explain" James said. Regulus pressed his lips tightly together. 

"Look, why don't we take a walk, yes? Because I think I deserve an explanation as to why you have been ignoring and avoiding me" James said and started walking, not caring if Regulus was actually following him or not. If he did follow him, they could talk this out, if he didn't, it was over, James would let him go. He walked till the end of the hallway and was ready to give up when fast footsteps sounded behind him and just before he went around the corner, Regulus caught up with him. James smiled a little to himself. 

"Glad you decided to follow me" he said. Regulus just huffed in response. 

"I'm not forcing you to be here" James said. 

"I know" Regulus replied, but his voice had lost a bit of the cold it had wore earlier. 

"So, tell me, why have you been avoiding me?" James asked, his hands in the pockets of his coat to stop himself from taking Regulus' hand, which was swinging dangerously close to his body. Regulus opened his mouth and then closed it again. James frowned. He would not call himself impatient, but this situation was getting on his nerves and he wanted answers. 

"You say I won't understand, so then make me understand it. Whether you like it or not, I really do like you and I want to get you, Regulus. I want to understand what I do that triggers you into these episodes because I'd rather avoid them because you hurt us both with them" he said. Regulus sighed softly.

"You put me in a very vulnerable position and I told myself you would use that to take advantage of me" he said. James bit his lip and stopped walking. They were now almost at the big fountain on the campus and the sun was shining bright. 

"What do you mean?" James asked. 

"I told you I loved you" Regulus replied, but it was so soft James thought it might have been the wind. 

"So did I. Why would I take advantage of that? What would I even do with that? Have I ever done something to evoke these thoughts?" James rambled. 

"No, but others have" Regulus said. James placed his hands on Regulus shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. 

"Okay, I get things have happened in your past, and I'm here to help you through those things, but it's unfair to take it out on me. I need you to trust me, I won't hurt you, I won't take advantage of you, but I need you to trust me. You can't keep shutting me out if we want us to work" he said, immediately regretting his words. They had never spoken of making anything work between them, James wasn't even sure if Regulus wanted that. 

"There is no "us", James" Regulus said. James blinked a few times.

"I know," he said slowly, "but there could be." 

"But only if you want to, of course. No pressure whatsoever" he added quickly. Regulus looked at him for a second, as if considering him and James grew more anxious slowly. Did Regulus not want this? Had all the crying and waiting and yearning been for nothing? All those nights spent hoping Regulus could give him a chance, just one. 

"Yes, I suppose there could be" Regulus said softly. James' felt his face brighten up. 

"Yes, that- that's great" he said, not knowing what to do with himself. When had he lost his social skills? Where had the every so open and flirty James gone? The effects Regulus had on him were insane. 

"So, we'll try to make this work for real right? Us" Regulus asked. James nodded. 

"Like boyfriends?" 

"Like boyfriends." 

"Okay, yeah. Like boyfriends" Regulus repeated in a soft tone. James toyed with the idea in his head. Boyfriend. He had a boyfriend now. Not just any boyfriend, he had Regulus. Regulus was his boyfriend. For real, this time. A wave of warmth washed over him as the realisation truly sunk in. He had a boyfriend, his skating and physical health were getting better. Mental health was still an issue point but he would find help, somewhere someday. He would get better. Everyone would get better and all would be good and well. James knew all and everything would be okay, in the end.

•••

"Hey Sirius?" Remus said. The two of them had been cuddling on Sirius' bed for the past two hours, not really doing anything, just mindlessly scrolling their social media. Remus sounded unsure.

"Yes love?" Sirius replied, wondering what their boyfriend was up to. 

"Would maybe come with me to my mother tomorrow? She won't remember you, probably, but I'd like you to meet her" Remus said. Sirius was silent for a bit. He knew it meant a great deal to Remus, Sirius knew how much Remus loved his mother, and so it meant a great deal to them, because they loved Remus.

"Yes, of course, if you want me to I will" he finally replied. Remus let out a sigh of relief. 

"Alright, yeah. Thank you" he whispered. Sirius gave his boyfriend a kiss on his cheek.

"Anything for my moony" they said. Of course Sirius was serious about their relationship, but this still felt like a big step. Probably because Sirius couldn't even think about introducing his parents to Remus, although he was pretty sure they already knew him through Regulus. 

Sirius knew Remus' mom was in a home and had some form of dementia, but no further details and they had no idea how to be the best support for Remus, but Remus didn't like talking about it. Which is also why it had come as such a surprise to Sirius when Remus asked them to come with. Remus was also very noticeably nervous about it. He barely ate anything and retreated to his dorm early, mumbling something about meeting Regulus there so Sirius was left at the dinner table without Remus for the first time in weeks and it suddenly hit them how isolated they had been from their friends. Sure, they had done the party planning as a group, but had Sirius and Remus not missed most of the collective dinners? Had they not skipped off mid conversation to just cuddle up somewhere together? He was now listening to the conversations his friends were having, his bubble bursting. 

"Pads, are you okay?" James asked. Sirius' head snapped up. 

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I'm fine" they smiled, their eyes fixated on the wall behind James. 

"James was just telling us about his boyfriend" Peter said with a grin. 

"His what?" Sirius asked. The boys grinned at each other like they had made a bet on wether or not he'd have heard what they were talking about.

"Yes his boyfriend" Marlene chimed in. James groaned.

"Guys stop, it sounds so weird when other people say  it" he giggled. James was actually giggling. 

"But what about Reggie?" Sirius asked. This caused everyone at the table to burst out laughing. 

"Oh, your little brother? No we're done, he's too eh small for me" James said with an earnest face. Sirius felt something of anger bubbling inside. How did James dare to speak about Regulus that way? Another laugh rose from the table and a small figure approached their table. Regulus sat down next to James and Sirius was sure he saw James tilting a bit closer to him, so that their shoulders were touching. 

"Wasn't Remus meeting you in your dorm" Sirius narrowed his eyes at Regulus. Regulus shrugged.

"He did. Then I left" he said before turning to James. 

"What were you laughing about?" he asked. James grinned and bent over to whisper something in his ear. Regulus wore the same stupid grin and Sirius was about to lose it.

"Can you guys just stop acting like little kids for one second and explain me the joke I seem to be missing?" they growled. Marlene put her hand on his.

"Sirius, sweety, you are the joke. If we tell you, it won't be funny anymore" she said. Sirius bit the inside of his cheeks until they could taste the blood. If there was anything they hated it was to be left out and laughed at. He'd had enough of that when he was younger. And now even James, his best friends since forever was turning against them as well? James should have known better. But Sirius wouldn't be Sirius if they couldn't just stir up some drama. 

"So, Reggie," he began, taking a sip from his drink and lightly leaning over the table, "have you heard James has a new little boyfriend?" Regulus' eyes widened and he looked up at James. Sirius placed their hands under their chin and grinned. 

"Sirius you are truly evil" Lily sighed, shaking her head. Sirius just winked at her. If James wanted to be an asshole, so would they. 

"Wow who would've guessed" Regulus said, but something was off. He didn't sound sad or disappointed, more just bored and sarcastic. 

"What a surprise, eh?" James said, clearly holding back a grin and the dots slowly started to connect. 

"Oh my god, James. You're dating my brother, aren't you?" Sirius gasped. 

"What? Nooo I wouldn't dare, right babe?" James said dramatically. Regulus buried his face in his hands and mumbled something along the lines of "don't ever call me babe again." James was now bend over the table, laughing and so were Lily and Marlene. 

"Sorry Pads, I should've just told you, but this was funnier, don't you think?" he managed to get over his lips. 

"No I don't" Sirius said, their arms crossed in front of their chest.

"Aw, boo boo. Anyways, Lily, can you pass me a napkin?" said Regulus. Sirius gave him a cold look before stomping away. He felt the others stare after him, and yes, maybe it was childish, but he was Sirius Black, what had they expected. 

They only had ten minutes of sulking before James came bursting into the dorm. 

"Look, I'm sorry for being stupid but it was just a joke and we thought it'd be funny" he sighed. Sirius could no longer pretend to be mad because this was James and they were Sirius and James. They pulled James into a hug and when they let go, James was grinning his stupid lopsided grin.

"Congratulations dude," Sirius said, nudging James arm, "who knew you had it in you to swoon my baby brother." 

"Not me, that's for sure" James admitted. Sirius shook their head. 

"No, me either." They both laughed at the absurdity of the situation. 

"Remus asked me to go see his mom with him" Sirius said after they had both calmed down. 

"But?" James asked. Sirius frowned at him.

"But what?" they said. 

"It sounded like there was a but, something you were  unsure about perhaps?" James explained.

"Ah, eh, yeah I have no idea what to do and how to support Remus when we're there" Sirius sighed. James pulled them back into an embrace.

"Aw Siri, you'll be just fine" he said.

But Sirius wasn't just fine. He was shaking on his legs the next morning when he walked down the hall to grab some breakfast. The idea of food made them nauseous, but a cup of coffee couldn't hurt anyone. Remus was wasn't in the great hall, neither were any of his friends. Regulus was there, though, sitting alone at one of the smaller tables, picking at his uneaten sandwich. Sirius grabbed themselves some coffee and headed over to his brother. Things were alright between the two of them, but an awkward vibe hung in the air every time they spent time alone. 

"Good morning Reg" Sirius said as they sat down. Regulus had clearly not seen them coming because his head snapped up as if he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't. 

"Oh, hi Sirius" he sighed. Sirius couldn't find the words to say anything else and Regulus didn't talk either, so they just sipped their coffee in silence while Regulus struggled to swallow a few bites of his sandwich. 

"I heard you're meeting Hope today" Regulus said after a while. He had put the sandwich back on the plate and grabbed a can with energy drink from his bag. 

"Eh, I am yeah" Sirius said. 

"Good luck" Regulus said before taking a big sip. Sirius smiled weakly and finished their coffee.

"I'm heading out" they said while standing up. Regulus looked up at his.

"Okay, good bye" he said. Sirius lingered around the table for just a few more seconds, waiting for words to come, make things less awkward, but his standing around only earned him a frown and more awkward silence. 

It was not yet the time they had agreed on, but Sirius headed outside anyway. He walked around the park and smoked a cigarette before heading to the parking lot. Remus was borrowing James' car, not having one of his own and Sirius found it with ease. Apparently they had not been the only one waking up too early, because Remus was already inside the car. Sirius slid into the passenger seat and turned down the music.

"Good morning" they said and Remus leaned in for a kiss.

"Good morning." For a moment it was just kissing and touching until Sirius pulled away.

"You sure you want to do this?" he asked. Remus nodded, but he was gripping the steering wheel, hard. His knuckles were turning white. 

"Yes. I want you to meet my mother" he said, "are you sure you want to?" Sirius swallowed and nodded. He had to be sure. He was. For Remus. 

they drove in silence, unsure what to say, but it wasn't necessary a bad silence. The only sound was that of the radio softly playing in the background. It wasn't even that early in the morning, but the roads were calm and a thick mist hung over the fields they passed. 

Remus pulled up to the parking lot in front of a big, grey cube and a shiver ran down Sirius' back. That's where they kept Remus' mother? 

"Yeah, this is it" Remus said, as if he'd been able to read Sirius' thoughts. Sirius bit their lip and nodded. 

"Alright, let's go in then" they said eventually. Remus also nodded but he hesitated a long time before making a move. Sirius placed their hand on his arm and looked him in the eye. 

"We really don't have to do this if you don't want to, alright?" they said. 

"Yes alright, I know, but I do want to. It's just- ah nevermind, let's go" Remus replied, sucking in a deep breath. Sirius gave his arm a soft squeeze and his lips a kiss and opened their own car door. Remus quickly followed and took his hand. Remus inhaled another deep breath before heading inside.

The nurse guiding them to Hope's room was a short, red haired woman with a jolly smile on her face. How could anyone be this optimistic working here? All you see all day is pain. They followed her through the halls of the home and Sirius was nicely surprised. The inside was much more cozy than the outside had let on and it felt a bit like a hotel. The floor of this level was covered with carpet, but he assumed that wouldn't be the same everywhere for people with physical disability aids, like wheelchairs. Overall, the place felt quite homely. 

Remus mother was a beautiful woman. Her hair was cut to shoulder length and the same colour as Remus'. Her face was pale and she was wearing pyjamas Sirius assumed came with the house. 

"Hope? You have visitors" the nurse said. Hope had not even flinched when the door had opened for them. 

"Ah thank you Molly. Let them in, Let them in" she said. The nurse set a step aside and motioned for them to come in.

"Hello mother" Remus said, walking over to her and crouching before her. 

"Remus, hello" Hope said. Her voice sounded enthusiastic. 

"It's a good day, most of the times she forgets his name. She knows he's her son, but names are a bit tricky" the nurse, Molly, explained to Sirius, who was still standing in the opening of the door, nailed to the ground. 

"Mom there's someone I want you to meet" Remus said. He motioned for Sirius, who managed to take a step forward with a whole lot of effort. 

"This is my boyfriend" Remus shyly told his mother. Hope bent forward in her chair to get a better look at Sirius. They could now count the freckles on her face. 

"Regulus! Your hair has gotten so long again" Hope exclaimed. Sirius unsurely looked over to Remus, who bent over to whisper something in their ear.

"Last time she didn't even know who Regulus was" he said. Sirius bit his lip and felt sorry for his younger brother. He and Remus had been friends for so long. 

"This is Sirius, Regulus brother, mom" Remus said. The patience in his voice was something Sirius was jealous of. He couldn't have done this himself. Hope gave him another up and down. 

"I see" she said. Sirius smiled weakly at her. It was clear she couldn’t tell the difference, and Sirius reached for Remus hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. He was obviously having a hard time with this, but it was also clear how much he loved his mother. 

“Can I get you lads something to drink?” Molly asked. Remus smiled at her.

“Tea would be nice” he said. Molly nodded and hurried to the tiny kitchen, obviously happy to keep her hands busy. 

“Tea, mom?” Remus asked Hope. She looked up at him with glassy eyes but nodded nonetheless. The kettle started to make noise and Remus quickly clasped his hands over her ears. 

“She hates the noise, makes her paranoid about god knows what” Remus sighed, seeing the question look on Sirius’ face. Sirius bit their lip. They couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to love your mom endlessly and then watch her tatter like this. The kettle clicked and the sound was gone. Remus sat down in a chair and motioned for Sirius to take place on the couch. They did and Molly brought over the tea. She had made four cups, one for herself as well. 

“This one’s for your mother, I added extra cold water to it” Molly whispered before handing it to Remus. 

“Here you go, mom” Remus said, passing over the cup to Hope. 

“This one is yours, dear” Molly told Sirius with a bright smile. Sirius thanked her and took the cup. Remus poured some milk into his, a habit Sirius could not get behind. Milk was only okay in coffee, in Sirius’ humble opinion.  

They drank their tea and Molly asked Remus and Sirius some questions when Hope started to slip away into a sleep. Remus draped a blanket over her legs to keep them warm. They chatted for about another hour before Remus announced it might be time to head home. Molly led them out after Remus gave his mother one last kiss on hee forehead and Sirius followed him back to James’ car. Neither of them said anything as they got in, Remus behind the wheel again, Sirius in the passenger seat. 

“She seems lovely” Sirius said finally, to break the silence as they pulled onto the highway. 

“She is” Remus said, with a weak smile. 

“I’m sorry you have to go through this” Sirius said. Remus shrugged.

“I’ll learn to live with it. It is her I’m hurting for. I can see she tries to remember things and actively live in the here and now, but her body is working so hard against her. I can’t imagine what it must be like for her” he explained. Sirius nodded.

“Yeah, I can’t imagine either” they said. Another silence fell. 

“I’m glad I got to meet her” Sirius said. Remus glanced over at him. 

“Yes, I’m glad too. It means a lot to me” he  said. 

“I’m sorry I can’t take you to meet my mother” Sirius grimaced. 

“I already have, unfortunately” Remus laughed softly. Touché. 

“God, I’m so sorry” Sirius was now also laughing and the thick and unsure tension that had hung in the air ever since they left the home finally disappeared. It had not been an awkward tension, or an angry one, just a very heavy one. One that could come crashing down the moment either of them said anything wrong. Not necessarily because one or the other would get mad, but more so because of the weight of the morning. But the air was lighter now, the heaviness washed of their shoulders and all was well. Sirius had met Remus’ mother and he could not be more content. 

“By the way, I have a basketball competition on Saturday, you should come watch” Remus said as the two of them walked back onto campus, hands linked. Sirius grinned. 

“I know you have. I’ll be there, count on it” they said. Remus raised his eyebrows.

“How did you know?” he asked. Sirius let out a low whistle. 

“I might have saved your training scene. And also your possible game line up” he grinned. Remus stopped walking and looked at him, flabbergasted. He then took Sirius’ head between his hands and kissed him. No matter how many kisses they shared, Sirius was sure he’d never grow tired of them.

“I love you” they whispered.

“I love you” Remus whispered back, and they both knew all and everything would be okay, in the end. 

Chapter Text

It was the summer before James' last year at college and the lot of them were staying over at James', Sirius, Regulus, Peter and Remus. They had come home from Hope Lupin' funeral not more than three hours ago, but everyone had gone to their respective bedrooms immediately, too tired to think or speak. Hope had died in an terrible accident at the nursing home, no one was sure how it could have happened, but Remus had assured them it might be better this way. Her health had been declining at a rapid speed and she would finally have her peace. The funeral had been beautiful, they had cried and laughed and remembered Hope as far as each of them had known her. Remus had given a terribly heartbreaking but beautiful speech and James couldn't help but hurt for him. 

Regulus was in his bed, arms wrapped around James and James was softly playing with his hair while Regulus slept. James couldn't get himself to fall asleep, no matter how tired he was. His mind was racing, filled with thoughts and memories of the past year. He and Regulus had been together for over a year now, but it felt like much longer. He was sure he had found his soulmate. Everything felt better when Regulus was around. James ran his fingers through his boyfriends hair again, watching him slowly waking up.

"I love you, did you know?" James whispered. Regulus smiled at him, his eyes still closed, holding on to his sleep. He did know. He did know and he was the luckiest man alive.

•••

“Happy birthday Reggie” James whispered. It was the middle of the night, the clock had just turned twelve. It would only be a few minutes before the rest of their friends would storm in to congratulate him, but James wanted his boyfriend to his own for this moment. He kissed his temple and stroked his hair from his face. 

“I got you a present” he said. Regulus yawned.

“You didn’t have to, Jamie” he said sleepily. James smiled.

“I know, but i wanted to, and it’s also a bit for me” he said. Regulus opened his eyes a bit further. 

“What is it?” he asked. James was holding something up and swinging it back and forth. It took a minute for Regulus’ eyes to focus. It was small and shiny and-

“Are those keys?” Regulus asked with a frown. James bit his lip to suppress his grin.

“Yes” he nodded. 

“The keys to what?” Regulus asked confused. James leaned in and kissed him on his lips before answering.

“To our new apartment” he said. At that moment the door flew open and Sirius came running in.

“Happy birthday little bro” he yelled. Regulus rubbed his forehead. He was so very tired, but he did appreciate the gesture. Whatever happened next didn’t stick in his brain, because all he could think about was James’ present. Their own apartment? For the two of them? Were they going to be living together? Somewhere that was not a dorm room? Their own house? He opened his friends their presents and thanked them and he loved all of them, but nothing would top James’. 

“Now, get some sleep, we’re helping you move tomorrow.” 

•••

All was good, all was well. Regulus had never been happier in his life. He just graduated college and was living together with his boyfriend. He was skating at a high level, world championships we’re coming up and he’d been qualified. His sibling was also happy. Them and Remus had just moved in together, finally, and he knew they were looking to adopt. If someone would’ve told a younger Regulus that everything would eventually fall in place, people would accept him, he would find love, he’d be in contact with his sibling again, he would’ve laughed you in the face. But everything had fallen into place and Regulus couldn’t be happier he had stayed.