Archive of Our Own ^beta

Keith had a problem that he was content with ignoring for most of his life. It came in ebbs and flows, and for the most part, ignoring it became second nature in the way breathing did—Except for in the case of Eugene Lee Yang. 

Keith had heard it before: Do you like them or do you want to be them? In the battle that concerned the relatively comfortable relationship between him and his sexuality, came the tumultuous third wheel that was his insecurity. It was a love triangle he would have been content with leaving a two dimensional line: His insecurity could have his sexuality for all he cared, but he wanted no part of it. 

Of course, the two came to a crippling head when Eugene became involved, because the deep set Something that ran through his bones because of Eugene became confused between gross envy and gross attraction. Keith was fine chalking up the emotion to jealousy when it came to other guys, but something about Eugene sent his stomach into a complicated twist of the two that couldn’t be ignored, not when he spent one too many nights in bed with it, facing more than a few of those shoulder devils that he’d never been able to shake off. 

Then it grew into a crisis he really couldn’t ignore. Who wouldn’t be attracted to Eugene—Eugene, with the nice body and nice face and nice personality once you got to know him. Eugene with an effortless talent for the most random of things, who was a book he wanted to annotate until he’d underlined and circled every nuance in the text, until he dug through every possible facet of it and could write the damn Sparknotes for it. 

Keith didn’t even like to read. 

-o-

It was one of those days. Or rather, it was one of those weeks. 

Monday, merch shoot. They hired a different photographer since their usual one was out of town for a wedding, and Keith should have seen it coming—She spent twenty minutes with Zach, fifteen with Keith, and the obligatory thirty, forty-something minutes with Eugene.

Of course it was easier to get attractive shots right off the bat with Zach. Of course, Eugene was an alluring subject for a picture, so getting every angle possible, in every corner of the room, was only to be expected. 

And Keith, he got onto the set and began with a regular smile. And the energy from the photographer was off until he twitched and opened his mouth wider and skewed towards looking goofy instead, and that was her spark for inspiration. 

It wasn’t her fault. That’s what Keith kept reminding himself as he posed with what he knew worked, and he was finished just as quickly as the rapid clicking and flashing began. It wasn’t her fault, even as he thought about what would have been possible if he was just directed a little more, perceived as attractive right off the bat rather than the funny one who diversified a serious portfolio. 

But, as they had joked before, Keith was relatively used to it. In fact, he wasn’t really sure why things would be any different, and he felt kind of stupid for thinking he could try something new otherwise.

Then the rest of the week became something muddled and unappetizing in a way, the way that took all his bad feelings and churned them around in his stomach with no end in sight. He didn’t want to be as irritable as he felt, he didn’t want to be short with people and have to apologize right after with the excuse of being tired. Truthfully, he didn’t know why he felt so bad this particular week—It’s not like he didn’t like himself at all. It was just this miniscule thing, the relationship he had with his physical appearance, and its negativity had never reared its head so harshly before. 

It was just one of those weeks, where every culmination of his self image became a sour taste in his mouth, and every reminder of it made the stomach churning a little worse. He thought back to comments he hadn’t had to think about in years, ones pointing out the fact that his eyes were deep set, then that they were actually protruding, then that his face wasn’t symmetrical, or how it could have been improved, and how he could improve just relative to his body—An ugly, roaring cacophony that he’d been fine with ignoring for so long. 

Keith had so many other things going for him, but this other chat began to drown it all out. He was just annoyed, annoyed with himself, and annoyed with how he was annoyed in the first place, and the general state of the world and all the things out of his control that he wished he could just grab by the reins and yank backwards for some semblance of it back. 

It culminated into its final, horribly form on Friday. 

It was one of the rare days Eugene had time to come around, so naturally it was a day of non-stop filming. They could line up three videos this way, and as tired as Keith actually was, he felt better than he had during the days prior. His mind was occupied with filming, and all the other bullshit laid relatively dormant. Until the last shoot of the day, that is. 

Normally, the costume try-ons were a shoot and click affair, especially since they’ve been doing it since the very creation of the Try Guys. It was a Valentines Day costume slash lingerie try-on, and Keith was paired with Eugene. Which, in hindsight, he probably should have asked to switch partners despite this being decided on a call sheet weeks ago. 

Granted, it started off alright. His pre-thoughts went as smoothly as they could with how much exhaustion he felt pulling at his limbs already, and he was able to rest as everyone else got theirs done. Then, Keith and Eugene were up first, as Zach and Kwesi were taking an extended break before their turn to film, and it was when the actual trying began that Keith felt the diffidence creep up his spine. 

The mirror off to the side of the rolling cameras felt miniscule and looming, all at once. Keith was closer to the mirror, but with Eugene right behind him in the various pieces they were trying on, Keith quickly lost the appetite to be funny. 

He felt like he did filming the prom dress video, where it was just so apparent that Zach pulled off a stupid dress better than him—He didn’t care about the dresses so much as he hated how they accentuated every part of his body that he wasn’t the most secure about, and not fitting into some at all didn’t help with the mental funk that came over him afterwards. 

And with Eugene—Perfect Eugene. Perhaps it was unfair to label someone as perfect, and Keith could only imagine the toll that might take on someone, but in all fairness, Eugene looked good and he knew it. At least, he currently knew it in the frilly, over the top lingerie sets they were made to put on, and if anyone was going to pull it off, it was one Eugene Lee Yang. 

By contrast, Keith felt something in him retreat. He heard it in the sudden off-kilter sound of his voice, and whatever momentum he had going got stuck on one side of the pendulum. The side that made his jokes fall a little flat, and the energy in the room shifted as he quickly spiraled into the equivalent of s heart monitor going flat. 

Beep. Beep. And a final, deafening: Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. 

“Keith, are you feeling alright?” Rachel asked gently from where she sat behind the cameras, overseeing the guys and keeping them on track as always. She adopted her usual caring tone, but in Keith’s ears it felt patronizing, like he wasn’t aware that the rest of the staff was equally as concerned. 

He felt the corners of his forced smile twitch. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s a long day, I’m running low on funny.” 

The comment itself was meant to be funny, but something in his tone forced it to swerve and massively miss. He got a weak chuckle from somewhere, but more worried eyes began to concentrate on him. 

Keith’s still in the stupid lingerie, and remembering made every studio light pointing at him feel ten degrees hotter. Stupid, it was just so stupid. 

“Let’s take five.” 

“No—I said I’m fine, let’s just—”

It was Eugene who interrupted Keith. “Get Zach and Kwesi back here and we’ll film after them. We’ll reset in the meantime.” 

Before Keith could further protest, Rachel quickly replied, “Sounds good.”

The studio immediately fell into a bustle, with someone handing Keith his jeans and shirt, while a PA began to get Zach and Kwesi on the phone to call them back, and the lights collectively shut off to preserve power until they arrived. 

Now without the stares of everyone in the room, Keith was starkly isolated. It made putting his clothes on more awkward, as he pulled everything on over the lingerie so as to get out of there as soon as possible. It made his shirt look frumpy as the frills that lined the bottom part of the bra piece pushed against the fabric, but it was the last thing on Keith’s mind as he zipped up his jeans and looked around for his nearest point of escape. 

Now, standing alone in the eye of the hurricane spinning chaos all around him, he could only think of getting out of it before the shaking emotions that were brewing left him. 

Before he could take a step in the direction of the door, a hand secured itself around his wrist. Keith wanted to curse. 

“Keith.” 

Through gritted teeth, he responded, “C’mon, Eugene.” 

It was meant to sound biting, but Keith just sounded tired. He shook his arm for good measure, but even that felt weak.

“Let’s go to the office, okay? Take a breather and all.” 

Keith didn’t have it in him to fight it, as Eugene was already pulling him in the direction of their shared office. It was a separate room from the other employee’s desks, so the three of them could have some privacy when they needed it. Eugene swiftly entered it, and whirled around to shut the door when Keith followed at his heels. 

Just as quickly, Eugene made work of closing every blind of the glassed walls that showed into the rest of the building, so it was just them, and the love triangle made itself the focal point of Keith’s anxious thoughts. 

He awkwardly stood in the middle of the room for a moment before he got it in his head to sit on the end of the small couch they had in the center, to the side of their respective desks. The little corner was adorned comfortably with a coffee table and another loveseat, and while it normally was where Keith relaxed during his breaks on days he was in the office, not even the memory of it calmed him. 

He folded into himself as he always did, crossing his arms and his legs and resting as deeply as he could in the very corner of the seat. His gaze was concentrated on the floor so he wouldn’t have to look at Eugene as he finished up creating as much privacy as possible, and then walk over to sit on the other end of the couch. 

“You’ve been acting weird lately,” Eugene said matter-of-factly, like he was commenting on the weather. 

Keith recognized his tone, however—It was how he talked when he was aiming to get into one of his signature deep chats, but the friendliness made it less daunting, less like he wanted to crack someone open and explore every square inch of their psyche as soon as he got the chance. But, he did, and Keith knew him too well to not know that.

When Keith stayed quiet, Eugene hesitantly continued, “Like, this entire week. And I know I’ve been in and out, but even I noticed…” 

“I’m fine. Just off. I’ll be back to being regular ole, funny Keith soon, don’t worry.”

“See? You’re—”

“I’m fine.” 

It wasn’t like Keith to snap. It was too late to take it back. 

Eugene didn’t say another word, and every spinning ball of anxieties that had been turning Keith’s head and whirling around there came to knock against his chest, seizing his entire being in how stupid, stupid, stupid he felt. 

Then, with the venom replaced with a new shake of his voice, back to feeling weak and tired. “It’s stupid.” 

Now, with more lightness, far less probing, Eugene said, “You know you can trust me.” 

Not a question, just a statement. Keith hummed in agreement. 

He wanted to speak, but his brain was still going through the sorting of his thoughts and it felt like he was a laundry machine on its last spin of the cycle. 

Eugene then said, “And… Maybe I’m just a narcissist, or looking way too into it, but…I think some of it might have to do with me?” 

The sigh that left Keith was long, but released all the tension piled up in his shoulders. He knew that his frustration was just all the negativity that was bundled up inside him that he was now projecting onto Eugene; Before he knew it, the bundle was unraveling and it was all spilling out of him before he could organize his thoughts in any sort of neat, concise way. 

He wearily spoke of the root of the problem, which he figured was his own self-image, and how dumb he felt for being so stressed about something as stupid as how he looked in the mirror like he was in high school all over again. That Eugene in particular sent him in a spiral about it, because with perhaps the exception of James from their spray tanning video, no one had ever muddled the line between envy and attraction as heavily as him and it drove Keith a new degree of insane when he was already so self conscious. 

That Keith loves performing, loves being the center of attention as a result of being the third boy who didn’t always get as much as he needed growing up, but this one singular thing felt like it overpowered everything he did like about himself and during weeks like this one it was completely, debilitatingly suffocating. 

That, faking it ‘til he made it just wasn’t cutting it anymore. 

And he was telling Eugene all of this in a muddled vent, not thinking too hard about basically admitting he’d jump Eugene’s bones if he could, and he’s spoken his final word when it felt like his brain was completely emptied out of thoughts. His voice was a little strangled, a lump of emotion stuck in his throat and threatening to spill over the harder he tried to regulate his breathing, but otherwise he remained still. Some semblance of it was being calm.

The room was quiet once more, and as the ringing in Keith’s ears subsided, he became doubly aware of the silence. His worst fear came true—Eugene was finally scared off by him, and now he was figuring out how to tell Keith that he didn’t want anything to do with him or the company anymore. 

“Sorry,” Keith mustered up the energy to say, forcing a weary laugh. “That was a lot, I know.” 

“No, don’t apologize,” Eugene immediately said, shifting around where he sat. “Never apologize. I’m just processing, I don’t wanna say the wrong thing.” 

“Process away.” 

The few beats of silence that followed were less tense this time, and Keith took the time to regulate his breathing some. In his anxiety he didn’t realize just how tightly he physically wound himself up until he relaxed his crossed arms and felt a wave of relief from the alleviated pressure. 

“Keith, you’re—Look at me.” 

It was a soft demand, and Keith didn’t think twice when he tore his gaze from the floor and turned to face Eugene. He didn’t look mad—It was quite the opposite, in fact. Keith didn’t think he’d ever seen Eugene’s features so gentle before. 

Eugene moved so that his entire body faced Keith, one leg propped up onto the cushions to accommodate the new position. This way it felt far more intimate than what the situation warranted, as Eugene had no other place to look at but him and it was like being observed under a microscope. 

“Have you considered that you’ve been telling yourself all this for so long that you’ve been blind to, like…your attractiveness?”

Keith tried to laugh again, but it was more difficult. “That means so much more coming from you, Gene, ‘cause you’re super hot.” 

“No, I’m being serious,” Eugene said, his tone showing just how serious he was. “And excuse me for playing therapist, but maybe you’ve been joking about it and unconsciously made yourself the goofy one until it's the only thing you know. And excuse me for being blunt, but you’re real easy on the eyes, Habersberger. I’m not just saying that.” 

That pulled an unwilling smile out of Keith this time, with a huff through his nose. 

Eugene, realizing that Keith was advancing into something of a better mood, continued. “And you have what all the other assholes could only dream of—I mean, you’re effortlessly funny, you’re charming, you’re—No more compliments, I’m just embarrassing myself.” 

“No, go on, continue telling me how great I am,” Keith fully grinned, but briefly turned his face away to will the rising heat in his cheeks away. But, knowing himself, the blush was probably creeping up his neck, and any attempt at hiding it would be for naught. 

“Whatever, shut up. But, you get what I mean. And… Look at me, Keith.” 

He willed himself to turn back to Eugene again and found him to be much closer than he was before, having leaned towards him when he wasn’t looking. Or maybe the couch was smaller than he remembered, or the room shrunk in the time since he entered it, because the sheer implication of how close Eugene now was too much to think about. 

“ Real easy on the eyes,” Eugene finished, voice now a lower tone than previous. 

Keith’s mouth was completely dry. “You’re definitely just saying that.” 

Eugene looked at him with an extremely unimpressed expression. Then, he brought his hand up to Keith’s face and lightly trailed his fingers over his temple. “Fuck you for implying I’m a liar, and fuck you for pretending like you don’t have the nicest eyes—and nice skin I’m jealous of.” Eugene’s hand swept down the side of Keith’s face until it ended with his curled finger right under Keith’s chin. He made sure Keith wouldn’t be able to avoid his straightforward gaze. “Nice lips, too.” 

Keith was sure his entire body had blown up into flames at that point. He wanted more than anything to run away but he was rooted to the spot by Eugene keeping him in place, and perhaps even by how he didn’t really want to leave if he could.

“Are you flirting with me?” Keith tried to joke, it being the most comfortable place for him to be, but it didn’t sound very funny when it was out in the air. 

Eugene slightly smiled anyways. “Have been for the past like, three years, but thanks for noticing.” 

The bewilderment that suddenly overtook Keith was just as quickly replaced with the overwhelming urge to kiss Eugene—Which he acted on without thinking, and was thankfully met with the same surge of ferocity that overtook the anxiety that previously engulfed him. 

He wasn’t sure where he mustered up the confidence to do so—Even if he hadn’t had the week he did, it was so out of character for him to be so bold, with Eugene nonetheless. But, he didn’t regret it one bit in that moment. 

Kissing Eugene felt like the natural progression towards something he couldn’t quite name as their lips slotted together like puzzle pieces sliding into their destined place. Keith’s hands immediately flew up against Eugene’s chest for some purchase, and Eugene’s hands came up to lightly hold Keith’s face, burning hot against his skin. 

Every buzzing thought in Keith’s mind melted away. All he knew was the way Eugene’s lips moved against his up until the moment they pulled away, and even then it was hazy. He had to blink a few times to really process where he was, whose chest his hands were still resting on, why it felt like his heart was going to beat its way out of his ribcage. 

“That’s—You’re—” Keith tried, but any coherent thought left him. 

Eugene’s own gaze was a little half-lidded, but he was evidently more there than Keith when he laughed. “Uh huh.” Then his expression turned into slight concern. “That was…okay, right?” 

Keith immediately snapped into reality. “Yeah, yeah, it—I mean, was it for you? ‘Cause I didn’t really ask, a-and I shouldn’t have just assumed you’d be cool with it but—” 

Eugene surged forward to plant a very square kiss on Keith’s lips, which effectively stopped his ramble in its tracks. “More than okay.” 

He leaned back again to push Keith’s hair neatly to the side; It must have gotten ruffled in all the commotion. Keith felt like Eugene could read every thought in his brain with how intensely his eyes began to observe him, flitting around every inch of his face like he was committing it to memory. 

“And,” Eugene began, voice more delicate than ever, “I know I can’t like, change your entire internal monologue just by telling you I think you’re great as you are. But you have to start giving yourself way more credit than you are, cause you’re perfectly attractive and nice and funny, and it’s more than just me who sees that.” 

Eugene was right in that Keith’s low esteem wasn’t magically soaring all of a sudden, but it was definitely the combination of kissing him and the warm words that made Keith’s chest fuzzy, and for the first time that week he didn’t have his appearance in the back of his mind.

“Thanks, Gene,” Keith murmured, hoping it conveyed as much as he wanted 

“Literally any time. Now, are you good to shoot now? Because I’m ready to see you in pretty underwear again.” 

Keith completely forgot about the shoot, but as he was reminded of it, he felt the lingerie under his clothes pull uncomfortably against his skin. 

He was sure that he’d still go out there and not like who he was seeing in the mirror, but it didn’t feel as all-encompassing as it did before. Really, Keith was ready to face the internal monologue more head on than before, even if it meant being uncomfortable, because maybe it was something he could work on. 

Maybe it was something Eugene could help him work on, too.