Archive of Our Own ^beta

My name is Kasen Ibaraki and I have made many mistakes. This journal is addressed to no one in particular. I just want to find an outlet for emotions I intend to put behind me.

I befriended Reimu Hakurei for selfish reasons. When I met her, I thought myself superior, so I attempted to train her in my ways. Of course, this failed utterly. She is not receptive to such training. One could justifiably call her lazy - I would be inclined to agree - but she also knows her own limits better than anyone. Sometimes she can be discouraged, but this is not born of a desire to avoid obligation; it is a result of being thrust into incident after incident where the solutions can be so obtuse that her capacity to address them at all is remarkable.

When truly at her wit’s end, she usually receives help; as shameful as it is to say, when it matters most, that help usually does not come from me. I rarely seem to be around in those situations. The first time I was, I tried to take matters into my own hands. I studied the situation, formed a plan with Mamizou Futatsuiwa, and told Marisa Kirisame and Reimu what to do. We would scare a girl straight by showing our terrifying power.

Of course, my plan was completely misguided.

The girl we were trying to scare - Sumireko Usami - took measures beyond what I expected. She had more conviction than I imagined, albeit misguided. Simply put, I underestimated her. Reimu realized what I did not and took action. Arrogantly, I stood in her way without allowing her to first explain, and only allowed her to speak when she refused to back down. In the aftermath of that incident, it became clear that my attempt to take control nearly resulted in a girl’s senseless death and Gensokyo being destroyed. Neither Mamizou nor myself apologized, of course; youkai like us have far too much pride. Reimu, for her part, did not seem to blame us.

Reimu has resolved countless incidents. She had done so for years before I met her and will continue doing so until she dies or Gensokyo ceases to exist. But I thought I knew best. “Reimu is lazy, lacks discipline, and requires guidance.” The amount of times I have thought and stated that defies numeration. To a degree, I still believe those things. However, stopping there is a gross misrepresentation of the kind of person she is. Reimu is also caring, intuitive, and quite driven to keep her home safe.

I never interacted much with Kosuzu Motoori but heard the details when everything was over. Reimu knew exactly what could become of her and did everything in her power to stop it from coming to pass. She wanted to prevent a tragedy that had already played out once from repeating. Where was I while she did everything she could to protect yet another human girl’s life? Ignorantly indulging in ascetic training that I knew full well was a performance for an oni who can never achieve heaven. To twist the knife further, Mamizou was a key help at that time. Only one of us got to be redeemed.

During the Perfect Possession Incident, I was there from the start. What did I accomplish? Nothing. Yukari Yakumo was the one who figured out how to counter the Yorigami sisters. Yukari was the one who helped Reimu fight them. Yukari was the one who accomplished everything I failed to do with Sumireko.

I never liked Yukari. We have known each other for a long, long time. There was a point many lifetimes ago I thought it would be simple to overpower her. She proceeded to outmaneuver me at every turn. I assisted in the creation of Gensokyo later on, but it was always her grand design. Even now, her clever schemes achieve more than I ever seem to. I still cannot agree with her methods, her manipulation, her secrecy; all things I regularly practice, of course. Looking down on others for duplicity is easy provided you ignore your reflection in their eyes. If anything, she has been more honest than me, especially with Reimu. Yukari never kept it a secret who she is or what she is. She hides her intentions but is paradoxically open about that fact. And Reimu still trusts her when the situation requires it.

What about me? Reimu trusted me basically right away. I imposed myself on her, lectured her constantly about how she should conduct herself and her shrine. I put out fires - proverbial and literal - started by ill-conceived ventures and even helped out with them a few times.

All for a lie. A damned lie.

I wanted my arm resealed. I wanted to continue living in Gensokyo with my partner beside me but not in control of me. To put it in simpler terms, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Reimu was chosen purely due to her ability to seal better than anyone else. By befriending and training her, she could accomplish the task I assigned her effectively, all with no risk to myself.

What ended up happening was that my so-called training amounted to nothing and I grew to legitimately care for the girl. I began seeing myself as a guardian and friend who set her straight when necessary. Yet I could never help when it counted. It took me years cultivating this relationship founded on a lie and, in the end, I got my wish. Just a parasite who only takes and never gives in a meaningful way.

Even then, I almost failed there as well. I dragged Reimu’s soul and body to a horrific hell so she could finally do what I so longed for. I attacked without restraint, truly attempting to kill her, believing she would survive and see me as an enemy to be defeated and sealed. All the pieces were in place. And when she realized how the sword could sever my arm, that would be it.

Reality often ignores even the most well-laid plans. The one thing I did not account for was that, when everything was on the table, Reimu would hesitate. There I was, an oni out for blood that had dragged her to the depths, and she saw a friend in my face. Even when I joined my arm and fully reformed, contrary to her expectations, she could not bring herself to seriously try defeating me. She did not want to hurt her friend. The friend who lied to her, hurt her, betrayed her. The friend who, from her perspective, was trying to kill her. What caused her to finally fight back? It was twofold. First was the assistance of an unlikely pair that, despite their apparent irreverence, have proven they deserve their stations more than I do mine. Second was Reimu finding out that I truly was trying to help her defeat my other self by providing the fragment of the blessed sword. My reason, unbeknownst to her, was wholly selfish; I only wanted my arm to be sealed and not my whole being killed. Though she did think I died at first when my body faded away.

All this happened a few years ago now. Some months ago, Marisa - half-drunk at a party - told me something I had never heard. Reimu is able to transcend reality. An innate ability she was born with, apparently. Likely a blessing from the Hakurei God. My long time in isolation never put me in contact with Reimu’s predecessors, so I never knew the extent of their powers beyond sealing. From what I understand, this ability makes Reimu impossible to touch as she enters a trance-like state and danmaku shoots from her in every direction. My mind immediately flashbacked to our battle. My attacks were all physical in nature. She had no reason to take them directly or attempt to dodge when it was a true fight to the death. There were no rules she had to follow. I thought about this for a long time afterwards. Eventually, I recalled Marisa’s exact words: “She just closes her eyes while the danmaku fires itself towards the enemy automatically. It wasn't even a Spell Card at first, but I gamified it by giving it a proper Spell Card name. Otherwise, there'd be no way to win.” It was automatic. Once she began, there would be no more restraint. There would be no time limit. It would keep going until I fell.

Unable to figure out why she would forgo such an incredible trump card, I confronted Reimu about it. “Why did you not do this in our battle?” I asked a few nights ago. My first guess was her laziness in training rendered her unable to perform it in the heat of the moment. She was exhausted, hungry, and emotionally conflicted at the time. However, instead of her usual annoyed or embarrassed expressions, Reimu looked away. Before that day, if someone had asked, I would have said that I know her rather well. Nearly every emotion imaginable has crossed her face at some point or another in the time we have spent together. This, however, was new. Sorrow, deeper than I had ever seen, filled her eyes. In contrast, her jaw was firm and her lips tightly pursed. It was as though anger and sadness were vying for control. I found myself holding my breath, waiting for seconds that felt like decades.

Reimu breathed deeply, regained her composure, and simply said, “I didn’t want to.”

“Why?” I immediately responded.

“My job is to resolve incidents, not hurt the ones I care about.”

“But I was trying to kill-” my response was cut off by Reimu holding up a hand.

She then said, “I’m still just human. Remember when you and Marisa saved me from that sickness? If you wanted me dead, you could’ve done it in my sleep. Even if I saw you coming, my trust for you would have trumped my suspicions. It was the same in that hell back then. After you and Tenshi showed me the sword fragment, I knew that was what you truly wanted. You never betrayed me. My only regret was what it would mean for you.” Grinning slightly, she added, “You should’ve seen me afterward. I really thought I killed you, y’know?”

After Reimu finished, I sat frozen for a moment, looking down at my hands in my lap. I only moved them when I realized they were getting wet. Reimu noticed at the same time. She hugged me. I began sobbing when I felt her tears on my back. We were like this for a long time.

Reimu does not claim to understand the many complicated and conflicting agendas of all those who live in Gensokyo. What she knows is that her job is to protect this land we all call home. By that same token, when she needs to do something that is not so cut-and-dry, she becomes lazy to a self-destructive extent. That laziness can manifest in her lack of training. That laziness can manifest in her get-rich-quick schemes that inevitably backfire.

That laziness can manifest in her unwillingness to hurt those who threaten Gensokyo and even her directly, merely because she believes they deserve better.

She saved Sumireko Usami, a girl Reimu barely knew but refused to let die even while protecting the barrier.

She saved Kosuzu Motoori, a girl who nearly went down an irreversible path Reimu did not want to witness a second time.

She saved me, a selfish oni hiding behind the façade of an altruistic hermit. Someone who, despite everything that happened, Reimu was relieved to see alive after the battle.

My name is Kasen Ibaraki and I have made many mistakes. This journal is addressed to no one in particular. I just want to find an outlet for emotions I intend to put behind me. But if anyone ever reads these pages, know this: while I have made mistakes, they have led to me a life happier than any I could have wished for. So I would make them all again if that is what it took. It might be more than I deserve; however, as everything up to now has shown, I can be rather selfish.