Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Love is so painful

Goodbyes are even more painful

I can’t go on if you’re not here

Love me, love me

Come back to my arms”

  Love is not over- BTS

........

Jimin is lonely

sad

and in love with his best friend...and his best friend has a boyfriend.

All three of them are going out tonight, maybe to the new restaurant not so far from where he and Tae live? He doesn't know, and Tae isn't willing to tell what they are doing or where they are going. He just said with his beautiful boxy smile that this is " a big surprise with big news" and Jimin needs to dress up nicely. So he is doing that for Taehyung - he always does what Tae asks or likes the most - he is dressed in his best button-up shirt, leaving three buttons undone, and his tight black jeans.

While brushing his silver hair, his thoughts play a game in his head and anxiety starts to set in. What is so important about to happen? Is Tae going to leave him? Why is Tae making such a big deal of it? Fuck, how is he supposed to live without Tae and all the cuddling? How is he supposed to wake up in the morning without the need to prepare breakfast for Taehyung because Tae always wakes up feeling like eating all the things in the fridge?

He is not ready. He is not ready to see his best friend, his soulmate, the man he is in love with go away. 

Oh fuck, he wants to cry. He wants to cry so bad but he can't, he can't because Tae is in the living room waiting for him and he doesn't like to see Jimin cry. Jimin has been crying a lot lately, especially at night when he is alone in the small apartment while Tae is sleeping at Jungkook's.

Okay, Jimin, compose yourself, you need to do this, it's not like you and Tae were going to live together forever, have 2 dogs, and adopt a kid, yeah? You did everything you could, you were -are- a good friend, and you tried to confess your feelings although it didn't work out. Tae isn't in love with you but he loves you. This is enough.

This is enough.

is enough…

 Jimin wasn't enough for Taehyung, though.

..........

When they arrive at the restaurant- that new restaurant near their apartment-, Jimin wasn't expecting to meet Jin and Namjoon there. 

"Where is Hobi?"

Jimin asks, not even caring to say " hello" first. He isn't in the mood, especially after seeing Jungkook whispering with Tae while they were walking to the restaurant, Tae´s giggles filling the night and leaving something sour on Jimin's tongue every time Jungkook stole a kiss or two.

"It´s 'hi, hyung' to you, brat." Jin says.

"Hobi is c-coming, I think he said there's a car accident in front of his friend's house...I can't remember his name...what was it, babe? "Namjoon asks, almost desperately. 

"Yoongi, darling. " Jin responds with a mocky grin. 

"Yes, Yoongi...what was I saying? Oh, they are waiting for the police to c-clear the way."

" Jesus, Joon-ah, what is wrong with you today?"

" I am nervous about...you know.. .the thing."

Jimin ignores that and settles in front of an empty seat, not craving a talk right now although he is internally hoping that Hobi is going to sit there so he can focus on his friend, maybe laugh a little and chat about dancing. Yeah, this night can be a great one, maybe Tae will tell them that he passed on his exam or that he wants to adopt a dog. Tae always loved dogs.

They have similar personalities if you ask Jimin. Taehyung is like a golden retriever, always in the mood for fun, he is gentle and caring, loves going outside, can be friends with everyone…and his heart is so warm, just like his smile.

How could Jimin not fall in love with him? 

To Jimin's sadness, Hobi sits near Jin, who is sitting right next to Namjoon, and someone he has never seen before sits in front of him. The stranger has black mullet hair, purple circles under his feline eyes, and small -but very appealing- lips. Before he can make a second thought about the stranger's beauty, Jungkook clears his throat.

"So...now that everybody is here... I and Tae have some good news... " he scratches his neck, fighting with the words. 

" We are going to adopt a dog! " Tae exclaims, happiness bubbling up inside him.

Jimin feels relief wash over him.

 He can still have the lazy mornings preparing tea because Tae doesn't like coffee, can still have the high laugh from Tae when they are talking bullshit under the blankets, and can still have the nights with " I can't watch this movie alone, Chim, sit here and cuddle with me, pleaseee."

" ...and we are engaged. " Jungkook finishes. 

They all start to talk at once, congratulating them on the engagement.

But not Jimin.

Nobody pays attention to Jimin. Nobody pays attention to how his breathing started to feel heavy, nobody pays attention to the tears dropping from his eyes, and nobody pays attention to how little he felt inside, how insignificant and poor he is. 

But Yoongi paid attention. He saw everything through the beautiful sad eyes of the beautiful angelic boy. How could not he? He started feeling everything too at the moment that Hoseok announces, right after Jungkook, that he began to date Namjoon and Seokjin. 

Yoongi laughs, of course Hoseok was going to date someone like them, someone better. Pulling on a mask of happiness, he brings Hoseok into a tight hug, gently smelling his sweet perfume, the same perfume that will no longer feel like his home, isn't his anymore. Yoongi now realizes that he is going to lose Hoseok.

His Hoseok.

His Hobah...

...........

Jimin couldn't stay there anymore, with the excuse to go to the bathroom, he leaves the restaurant, trying to breathe. Under the night sky, under the light rain, leaning against the brick wall of the restaurant, Jimin felt numb. And cold.

He is just...there, allowing the rain to mix with his tears, maybe they can become one so Jimin doesn't have to live here anymore. He wants to go away, to feel nothing. He is tired, so tired.

Jimin cries an empty cry, feeling a hole in the place where his heart should be, and wishing none of his friends come out to look for him.

"You are going to catch a cold." Says a raspy voice. 

Again, he is facing the stranger. Jimin can not describe exactly what he is seeing in the other's face, his delicate features are like a mask, but his eyes...there is pain there.

" W-what?"

" It's raining, you will catch a cold. Here, you can use my umbrella. " The stranger opens the umbrella, placing it over Jimin's head. 

" But what about you? "

" I'm okay, my coat is thick."

And they stay there in silence, breathing the same air, under the same sky, feeling the same rain, and suddenly Jimin didn't feel so alone.

" You love him, don't you? " The stranger asks out of the blue.

" What are you talking about?"

" I saw your face when they announced the engagement. "

A pause.

" Yeah, I love him."

" Who? "

" Taehyung, it's always Taehyung."

There is no hesitation, it´s the truth anyway, and he doesn't care if anyone finds out now. He doesn't care about anything.

The thing is that Jimin doesn't know who this stranger is, why they are talking, or why he even bothered to go outside and lent his umbrella to him. Jimin isn't used to kindness from people he doesn't know. He isn't used to kindness from himself either.

" Why are you here?" 

He thinks he isn't going to have an answer until the stranger responds, so silently that he almost didn't hear.

" Hoseok. "

Jimin understood. 

They stay there in silence. A comforting silence.

" When Hoseok asked if I would like to hang out with some friends of his, I didn't expect this. " He laughs a sad laugh. 

" What were you expecting then?"

" I don't know, " He shrugs his shoulders "meet new people, maybe make small talk, drink a little...be happy, I guess."

Jimin knows ( he doesn't know shit)  three things:

1- He doesn't want to go back inside, see the face of his love and pretend all night.

2- He doesn't know this man. Actually, he knows the stranger is Hobi´s friend, so…he must be a good person, right? 

3- He doesn't know what makes him ask:

" Hmm...do you…do you want to hang out with me? I´m “new people”, we can make small talk and drink a little."

 At those words, the stranger looks at him, probably questioning himself why the hell Jimin would ask that question and how to politely decline the offer. 

" Okay, but you have to tell me your name first, angel. "

Angel.

Chapter Text

“Find the me that was pure

I can’t be free from this lie

Give me back my smile

Caught in a lie

Pull me from this hell

I can’t be free from this pain

Save me, I am being punished”

Lie- Jimin

………

"  Jesus, it’s so crowded here, so much noise! I wish we had stayed at that pub." Yoongi covers his ears with his hands, making an angry face that makes him look like a cat.

This electronic music is going to drive him crazy until the end of the night.

" Hyung! " Jimin laughs with his full face, making his eyes disappear and illuminating the whole place.

Yoongi is fascinated. He wishes the boy could smile like that more times, be bright like that more times. 

When they went back to the restaurant to say goodbye, Jimin received a smirk from Tae (really, Tae?) and, to Jimin's surprise, Yoongi kissed Hobi on the cheek, saying that he was going to be home late and Holly ( who is Holly?) already ate.

" That pub was for old people. "

" I'm old... "

" Yeah, yeah, grandpa, let's dance, come on. " Jimin has almost to scream to be heard, grabbing him by the arm and leading the two of them to the dance floor. 

He discovers very quickly that Yoongi is a terrible dancer.

Jimin laughs a lot ( maybe he is a little bit tipsy)  and Yoongi would find it endearing if Jimin wasn´t mocking him.

" Hyung, you have to use your hips. " Jimin places his two hands on Yoongi's hips. " And swing them like that."

And then they start to dance. Slowly, softly, Jimin’s right hand leaves his hips and he replaces it on his neck, bringing their bodies closer. Their bodies fit together perfectly, like a tragic puzzle.

Okay, Yoongi, this is not the right time to panic. It's just a boy…an angelic boy with sinful lips and sad raining eyes. That's okay, nothing is going to happen, keep it cool.

Jimin was visibly struggling with something, the happiness from before was replaced by something unsure and desperate. He just needs to get out of his mind. 

" Hyung. "

" Yes, angel? "

" Can…can you kiss me, please? "

Oh shit. 

He looks deep into Jimin's eyes, searching for an answer. There is so much sadness that Yoongi can almost touch it, he wants to make everything disappear. When they left the restaurant and went to the pub, they talked and drank a little. Yoongi found out that Jimin is very gentle, pure and charming, but something was off. He is a very good person, but a sad person too. All the times that Yoongi tried to make him smile, the smile Jimin gave him was a little forced, like he is not used to smiling.

Yoongi understands it. This isn't about him, isn't about them, but it’s about sadness, longing for something, the need to feel anything. 

" Are you sure, Jimin? "

" Please…"  Tears threaten to appear on the corners of his eyes. 

He found out that he couldn't say "no" to him.

When did you get so smitten, Yoongi?

Yoongi holds his face with both hands, and gently, so gently, kisses his lips. 

Warm, safe.

Jimin takes a deep breath, brings their lips closer, harder, and invites Yoongi to open his mouth to him. 

It's the closest to heaven.

Just like this was meant to be, the kiss develops very quickly. Yoongi put his hands on Jimin's hips, trying to feel the other's body, the soft skin under the shirt. Jimin deliciously moans when he feels wet kisses on his neck. 

There isn't coming back.

……

Skin with skin.

Gentle touches.

Heated kisses

Yoongi likes hearing the little sounds Jimin makes, the deep breaths, and how soft his hands are when they play with Yoongi's neck hair.

They are now tangled on Yoongi's bed, Jimin is naked, but Yoongi still has his underwear on. When Jimin asked if they could go to his apartment, Yoongi didn't question it.

When Jimin started to take off their clothes, Yoongi didn't ask him to stop. 

Actually, Yoongi is terrified. He has never had sex with a man before. Fuck, he didn't even kiss a man before because Hoseok was the first man he has ever liked and they never kissed. He discovered how strong his feelings for Hoseok were a little while ago, he didn't have time to process that yet. Is he bisexual now? Is he going to tell his parents? Oh my god, what if his parents don't like him anymore? Is this just a phase?

" Yoongi hyung. " Jimin moans.

Well, Yoongi will question himself later, because now Jimin is a pleading mess under him.

" I'm here, angel, what do you want? "

" Touch me, n-need more. "

With the uncertainty of what he is doing, with the uncertainty if this is the right time for both of them,  Yoongi puts in his hand some lube he found in a drawer, grabs Jimin's dick, and starts to jerk him off, slowly but hard. Jimin gasps, and his features contort in pleasure. 

" Like this, angel? " Yoongi whispers and grabs his earlobe between his lips.

Yoongi is feeling drunk and high with every response from Jimin, with every touch, with every moan, with every sigh. He will give Jimin the pleasure he couldn't give to the man he is in love with. Jimin needs it, he needs it.

They have decided to get lost tonight. Just for tonight, they're going to forget. 

" Hyung, hyung, hyung. " He gasps when Yoongi runs his thumb over the tip of his dick. " I am so c-close. "

" Do you want to cum now? "

" N-no, I want you. "

" How? "

" Inside me, please. "

Fuck . Okay, don't panic, do not panic.

" Hmm, I like when you beg me, angel. " He licks a stripe on his neck, tasting Jimin on his tongue. 

Jimin thinks he is going to die, Yoongi’s raspy voice and tongue leaving goosebumps on his skin. 

" Please, please, I need y-you. " Jimin’s breathing is heavy, his cock pulsing in the other's hand.

" I m going to prepare you first, okay, angel? If it starts to hurt, tell me. "

Jimin nods. 

" No, use your words. I need to hear you. "

" Yes, hyung, I will tell you. "

" Good boy. "

Oh, Jimin’s dick twitch.

" Do you like that, Jimin-ah? Like to be called a good boy? "

" Oh, hyung, I can’t take it a-anymore."

" Yes, you can. I’m going to fuck you first, and then, just then, you can cum. Do you hear me, angel? Use your words. " Yoongi warms the lube. Thank god he had a girlfriend that liked to do anal, so he knows - a little bit-  what he is doing now. 

" Y-yes."

" Good boy, now spread your legs for me."

Yeah, Jimin is definitely going to die. When he imagined his first time, he always imagined it would be with Taehyung. He had dreamed about it since the first time they kissed, both 14 years old, trying to figure out what their sexualities were. They never kissed again, Tae said he didn't like boys. Until Jungkook. The problem wasn't the fact that Jimin was a boy, the problem was that Tae didn't like Jimin, he wasn't enough for him.

He feels a finger near his hole, circling it. 

" You need to relax for me, angel, I can’t put it inside if you are so tense. "

Jimin tries to relax. He wants this…Does he really want it? Yeah, he spent his whole life waiting for Taehyung, but he wasn't his, Tae didn't desire him. Yoongi is here, Yoongi, in some strange and unexpected way, is safe. When they were at the pub, Yoongi pulled a chair for him to sit on, and asked what he would like to drink, waiting patiently while Jimin looked all over the menu.  Despite his controlled face, he was gentle all the time, asking questions without crossing the limit. Sometimes he was really cute, like when the chicken they ordered was too hot and Yoongi burned his tongue, cursing with a pout on his lips and frowned eyebrows.

" I am going to push it inside. " Is he saying that to himself or Jimin? 

At first, Jimin feels nothing. It bothers a bit, but it doesn't hurt until Yoongi starts to pull in and out. Okay, now Jimin regrets a little bit, he could have asked to top Yoongi. Sensing Jimin's response to the touch, he asks:

" Do you want me to stop? "

" N-no, you can go, just…a little bit slower, yeah? "

" Okay."

After a while, one finger became two, then three. But it was just when Yoongi found his prostate that his moans got louder and louder, his legs shaking. Jimin is pure instinct now. Does it hurt? Yeah, but it is tolerable pain, he just wants to cum, he just wants this to be over, and he just wants to not think about Taehyung. 

Taehyung and his sweet voice, Taehyung and his weird way of thinking, Taehyung and…

" Yoongi, please, please, fuck me. " Jimin sighs and rolls his hips on Yoongi's fingers. 

" You are so loud, angel, the neighbors are going to hear how desperate you are."

Yoongi runs to take off his underwear and wrap the condom around himself, his self-control slipping away as Jimin spreads his legs even wider, holding both of them to his chest. Yeah, he has no shame anymore. 

" Fuck, Jimin-ah." He starts to push in.

Jimin wheezes when the tip breachers him. 

" Want me to stop?"

A groan and a roll of hips is the answer he finds. He is pushing in slowly, always slowly to no hurt, but he's afraid he won't be able to hold back any longer. Jimin is so fucking tight.

When he is all the way in, sweat starting to form due to the strength to stay still, Jimin begs him to continue, to go harder even if he thinks Jimin isn’t ready. Again Yoongi doesn’t question him. 

So they go on like this, moans, gasps, and skin-against-skin sounds filling the room. 

Yoongi has never done this before, he isn’t the type for casual sex, and to add how this situation was new to him, Yoongi never slept with a man before. But he is discovering that sleeping with a woman or a man has no difference to him. And it happens to Jimin be so beautiful and kind, it would be a euphemism if someone says that Yoongi was bewitched by the boy underneath him. Maybe they can go out after this, not on a date ( not yet) because he isn’t over Hoseok and he doubts Jimin will be over Taehyung so soon, but maybe one day they can go on a dat-

" Tae-hyung, I'm going to cum. "

Yoongi stops. Jimin's eyes go wide. 

" Oh my god, I’m so sorry."

" Calm down, that's fine…just come, okay? "

He wraps his hands around Jimin's dick, jerking him off while fucking him. Jimin forgets everything and comes on Yoongi's hand. He cums right after Jimin but it isn't good, and it lasted less than normal. Weak. Wrong. He slips out.

Silence, an awkward silence.

" So…" Yoongi clears his throat. " I’m going to bring something to clean you."

When he comes back from the bathroom, the bed is empty. 

The front door closes shut. 

Yoongi feels like shit.

Chapter Text

“That's how it's supposed to be

Yeah, all this pain and all these sorrows

That's our destiny, see?"

Moonchild- RM

….

2 months later

He can’t take it anymore.

It's just pain. It's all Jimin can see, feel and live.

Jimin cries, the painful screams echoing in the empty apartment. Jimin’s vision is blurry, his heart beating so fast that he can hear it in his ears. 

Thump

    thump

          thump

               thump

                     thump

From his bed, he can see his vomit on the floor, the pungent smell making him vomit- again- bile and blood? Oh, great.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. “ He sobs, cleaning the corner of his mouth with his hand. 

His throat hurts so fucking much, maybe it’s because all he is doing in the last 4 days is cry and throw up everything he tries to eat. Jimin has never been in this state before, so helpless, so...alone, only his suffering keeping him company and dominating his thoughts.

His stomach hurts, his head hurts, his heart hurts, everything hurts. What's the point of living? He is just a mess, a dead man walking, except he barely can walk, his legs are too weak to support his body.

He has nobody. His family hasn't talked to him since the day he told them he was gay, and his friends are all successful and don't have time for an unstable friend. Jimin had to quit college because he couldn't afford it anymore, he hasn't gone to work since two weeks ago because he was just too sad, too weak, to face other people and talk to them. 

Nobody wants him. He doesn't want himself either. And Taehyung…left him, the only person that always claimed that would never do that.

Every time he thinks about the time Tae left, his heart aches. That day carries more than he thought it would. It changed something inside him. 

“ Chim, I am so excited to move out with Jungkook. I’ve waited all my life for my prince charming to arrive, still can't believe it. “

They have just closed the last box, everything is packed and ready to go. Jimin is a nervous wreck, all the feelings inside him screaming to go to the surface. He can't take it anymore.

“ Don’t go. “ He blurts out. 

“ What? “ Tae’s happiness dies when he sees the look on his best friend's face.

“ Don’t go, don’t leave me. TaeTae, I love you so much. “ Yeah, this is despair in his voice.

Tae just smiles, that fucking boxy smile.

“ Own, I love you too, Chim.”

“ No, Taehyung, you didn’t understand. I.love.you.”

His smile fades away.

“ W-what? “

“ I have loved you all my life, I’ve waited for you to love me, but Jungkook appeared and took you away from me. This is not fair. Don’t leave me, please, please, Tae. “ Jimin grabs Tae’s hands, holding them so tight like he can make Tae stay.

“ N-no, I can’t, I love him, you know this, Jimin. “

Jimin. Not Chim.

“ Tae, please, please, listen to me.”  He is desperate, his hands are shaking and he has a euphoric look in his eyes. “ I truly love you, I’m not saying that Jungkook doesn't love you, b-but I love you more. I-I can take care of you, but he can’t, he is just a boy, Tae, he is immature and doesn’t know you the way I do. We can continue to live together, we can adopt a dog, you don’t need him. We just need each other, we-”

“ What the fuck are you talking about? “ He frees himself from Jimin’s hands, taking a step back with an angry face.

“ Tae... “  Fuck, now he is crying.

“ No, are you listening to yourself? You are talking bullshit, don’t talk about Jungkook that way ever again.”

Taehyung has never screamed at him before, not even that time they fought because of dumplings.

“ No, Tae, I love you, I can make you happy, and treat you better than him. Remember when he cheated on you? I would never do that.”

“ H-he didn’t cheat on me, we were on a break.” Remember that was like a slap on Tae’s face.

“ Yes, he did! But you forgave him, and then went to his house and slept with him like a desperate slut.“  Now he is screaming too. 

He is so fucking angry. How Taehyung can not see how much he cares about him? How he can not see that Jimin loves him? Jimin knows, he knows that saying those things will not help at all, and he knows too that everything he is doing now is wrong. He shouldn’t call Tae a slut. He shouldn't say that Jungkook cheated on him at that time, it isn’t fair. Jungkook is a good person, better than Jimin, and he shouldn’t talk about the boy that way.

But he couldn’t bear Tae leaving him. 

“ Wow, now I am a slut? What about you that spread your legs for Yoongi? You knew him only for like, I don’t know, two hours before go to his bed and beg to be fucked. “

“ H-how do you know that? “ Shame washes over him when he remembers that night and the look on Yoongi’s face.

Tae laughs, but there is nothing there.

“ I was there. After dinner, I and Hobi went there to pick up some clothes for him since he was going to sleep at Seokjin’s. “

“ Did you hear us? “

Shame, shame and shame.

“ Yeah, and how you begged to be fucked, angel.”

“ F-fuck you, Taehyung. “

“ No, Jungkook is going to do that. “

Taehyung remembered something.

“ Ah, and you know what Hobi told me when we were there? That he didn’t know Yoongi liked boys too. Apparently, you begged to be fucked by a man that doesn’t even like men. What do you think of yourself right now? “

“ W-what?”

No.No.No.

He…forced himself on Yoongi?

Oh my god, what did you do, Jimin?

His parents were right. He was disgusting. 

“ Yeah, think about that, Jimin, before saying shit about other people. Goodbye.”

He never came back. They haven't talked since that day.

Everything he did in life, he did wrong. Loving Tae was wrong, being gay was wrong, leaving his parent's house was wrong, not studying enough was wrong. Forcing himself on Yoongi was wrong.

He doesn’t want to live anymore, he doesn’t deserve t o live anymore. 

Let's get over with it, Jimin.

And it's a little bit sad to think that nobody is going to miss him, but that's okay, Jimin won't be here to see it anyway. He is just…a burden on other people's lives and for himself. Useless

He tries to get out of bed, but his legs fail due to the lack of food and energy. Jimin falls into the vomit. Yeah, he is pathetic like that.

You can’t even end your fucking life, congratulations.

He almost fell trying to get up again, however, after three tentatives, he slowly managed to go to the bathroom to wash his hands and clean off the vomit on his legs, and while doing all of that, he was thinking of every possibility of how to die. When life itself became a burden, the thought of dying crossed his mind many times, but he was trying to not think too much about it, however, many things happened on the way. Taehyung happened, Yoongi happened, that night happened, his family happened, and everything was falling apart. 

A thunderstorm cuts the night sky.

                 The wind makes the windows sway.

And then Jimin remembers something, an old memory buried in his mind.

“ Jimin, get out of here, it's raining.” His mother says when she sees him sitting on the window ledge of his bedroom window, Jimin's little legs swinging.

Thank god we live in a house, she thinks.

He turns his head to look at her, a look of delight in his shiny eyes. 

“ Eomma look, it's like the sky is falling. “

“ Yeah, darling, it's raining a lot.” 

“ I wish I could fly." He says with a pout on his little lips.

“ Why, darling? “

“ So I could fall with the rain without hitting the floor. “

“ Aren't you afraid of falling?” 

“ No, I'm just afraid of dying, that's why I wish I could fly, to not die. “

“ Jesus, Jimin, you're just seven years old, where did you get these ideas?” 

Everything fall.

It's all falling. He can fall too.

 Without thinking twice, Jimin dries his hands on his sweater and, with difficulty, he goes straight to the bedroom window near his bed, opens all of it, and looks to the rain cutting the night sky.

“ Eomma, look, it’s like the sky is falling.”

Without hesitation, he uses the edge of his bed as a support to climb on the window, adrenaline pulsing in his veins, and just then Jimin is sitting on the window ledge, his legs swinging. 

“ Yeah, darling, it's raining a lot. “

The rain hits Jimin's face with force, chubby drops wetting his clothes. He can't feel anything now.

For the first time in months, Jimin’s mind is empty. It's just him, the rain, the city lights under his feet, and the relief of knowing that it will all end soon. Peaceful. 

He is just so exhausted, nothing changes, nothing gets better, and there’s nothing for him here, in this life. Maybe when he dies, he can start over and do everything right in his next life. 

“ Aren't you afraid of falling? “

He looks down. The rain and his tears have blurred his vision, making the lights of Seoul like bright blurs. It's strange, everything looks so small under him, he feels so big like he can really disappear with the rain. 

Jimin always liked the rain, always thought that good things come when the rain starts to fall. For him, rain means changes. 

He can’t feel the pain in his chest anymore. He can’t feel anything. Just relief. 

He is just ready to jump from the 9th floor when his cell phone rings in the pocket of his sweater.

Really?

He doesn't recognize the number.

“ Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I-”

“ Mr. Park?”

This voice…

“ Y-yeah, it's me.”

“ Hi, Mr. Park, I know it’s late, but I found your ad in the realtor this morning, saw the photos of the apartment and I'm very interested. Are you still looking for a roommate? “

“ O-oh….I’m…y-yeah, I’m still looking.”

What?

“ Thank god. Can we meet on…Friday? So we can talk a little,  discuss the rent and everything. I saw there is a coffee shop just around the corner, maybe we can meet there?”

Jump. Jump. Jump. 

“ Okay.”

“ Great. At 3 pm? Maybe at the entrance of the cafeteria? “

Jump. Jump. Jump.

“ I-it´s fine.”

“ So I will meet you there, Mr. Park, thank you very much, and I’m very sorry to call this late.”

“ That’s o-okay, I was…wait, what's your name? You didn't tell me. “

Jump. Jump. Ju-

“ Oh, it's  Min Yoongi.”

No. 

Jimin looks at the clock on his cell phone, hanging up the call with trembling hands.

23:59

Jimin can’t die today, can he? If the world is giving him this opportunity, he will take it. He needs to do just one thing before leaving this world.

Apologize. At least do that for Yoongi, he deserves that after everything, after Jimin…

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down his nerves. 

The world taking a deep breath with him. 

00:00

Chapter Text

“I wasn't lookin' for you

But you found me, you found me

Just as the smoke filled the room."

Die alone- Finneas

........

Friday

It's 2 pm.

Jimin didn’t get out of bed yet.

Even if Jimin is ashamed of himself, he needs to do something, needs to apologize to Yoongi. Since the night they met, Jimin couldn’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t stop thinking about what he did to him. Yoongi didn’t deserve that. Jimin will apologize to him even if he knows this isn’t enough, but it’s the least Jimin can do. Be a good human. 

Even if he isn’t.

But he can’t get out of bed. It’s like he doesn’t have strength in his body. Jimin just… lies there all day and barely eats anymore. He can’t cry, he can’t do anything, it’s like his body has given up, just wanting the right time to stop working. And he doesn’t even know if this Min Yoongi and his Yoongi are the same person, it could be anybody else, so Jimin could stay in bed all day…but he needs to try, right? 

He probably doesn’t even want to look at me. Who would? 

As a way to torture himself, Jimin thinks about that night over and over, going through every single detail, everything he did. He is such a shame.

“ Why are you looking at me, Jimin-ah? “ 

“ Oh, I can’t look at you, Yoongi- hyung?” Jimin giggles, taking a sip of his beer.

Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“ It’s not that. It’s that there is nothing to look at…“ 

Is Yoongi shy? 

“ You have to be kidding me. Look at those rosy lips and chubby cheeks.” Jimin leans over the table to squeeze Yoongi’s cheeks. “ Look at you, so cute, hyung.” 

“ I-I’m not cute.” 

“ Yes, you are.” Jimin giggles again.

“ That’s it. No more beer to you. “ Yoongi pretends to take Jimin’s beer from his hands, but Jimin is faster and swallows the rest of it. 

How much alcohol can fit in that little body? 

“ You are no fun. “ Jimin says, cleaning his mouth with his hand. 

“ I thought I was cute. “ 

“ Not anymore. You are boring, like-like a cat. “ 

“ Oh, now I’m a cat? “

“ Yeah, but just a boring one.” 

“ You don’t like cats?” 

“ I love cats, they are so cute. “ Jimin smiles shyly, looking at his empty glass. 

“ So I am cute?” 

“ No, you’re the boring cat that is going to take me to dance.”

“ Nop, I’m not doing that.” Yoongi crosses his arms. “ I hate dancing.” 

“ I’m not asking you to dance. Let’s get out of here.” Jimin leans closer to him and whispers in his ear like he was telling a secret that the old man near them shouldn’t hear. “ There are only old people here, they make me sad.” 

“ What?” Yoongi giggles. “ Why do they make you sad?”

“ Because they are old and…ugly. Like my grandma's furniture.“

“ You are kind of mean, you know that?”

Yoongi was a nice guy. 

He didn’t deserve that.

And it’s alright if he doesn’t accept Jimin’s apologies, if he doesn’t want to look at him, if he thinks Jimin is disgusting. He will take everything Yoongi is going to give him. He deserves it, deserves everything he is going through now. They were right.

“ You don’t have the right to come here anymore. Everything you receive in this life, Jimin, it’s up to you. You caused all of this.” 

“ Appa, please, don’t do this to me, i-it’s my home.” 

They are at their house, back in Busan. Jimin went to see his parents because it was Christmas week, and his mouth always waters when he thinks about his mother’s turkey. Jimin couldn’t miss it. He and Taehyung traveled to spend the holiday together since Tae’s parents were traveling abroad and Jimin’s parents always felt like Tae was their son too. They have spent a lot of holidays like this, so it was no surprise when Jimin arrived with a very excited Tae by his side. Both were eager to eat Jimin’s mother's food, that’s the truth.

Everything went downhill when his parents noticed that his behavior towards Taehyung was different from before. They noticed the lingering looks Jimin gave him, how he was always touching Tae, how he was always next to him, not willing to let his friend go. When Tae went to the beach with some friends of his, Jimin’s parents called him to have a “ talk”. 

“ You’re not my son, you’re not the boy I raised.”

“ Appa, I’m not different, I’ve always been like this. What’s the problem that I like him? It’s not wrong.” 

“ It’s not wrong? Jimin, he is a boy!”

“ Eomma, please…” He cries and looks at his mother’s face, his heart breaking when she doesn’t look at him, feeling ashamed of her son. 

“ That’s what you are doing in Seoul, Jimin? Kissing boys while we work hard to pay for your college?” 

“ No, eomma, I-” 

“ Taehyung likes you?” She asks.

That question. The answer hurts so fucking much. 

“ No, he…doesn’t like men.” 

His mother takes a deep breath, shaking her head in disapproval. 

“ I saw you two, you know? Jimin, you are forcing yourself on him. Don’t you have shame? The boy is probably scared to say to you that he wants you to back off. Nobody likes someone so clingy, so needy. You need to stop this, it’s shameful the way your force yourself on him. Stop it.”

“ I-I can’t stop loving him, eomma…I can’t stop wanting to be next to him.”

Suddenly, he feels his father’s hand on his face. Did he slap him? 

His right cheek feels like is on fire, the skin burning with the slap.

“ That’s enough, I’m done with this bullshit. You disgust me, don’t you dare to come back.“

His father leaves the kitchen and his mother says nothing. Doesn’t even look at him.

Lying in his bed, Jimin sees the time passing, stuck in the memories. He still can feel that slap. It’s almost 3 pm now.

“ You disgust me.”

Disgust. Disgust.

Disgust.

“...Apparently, you begged to be fucked by a man that doesn’t even like men. What do you think of yourself right now? “

He needs to do right this time. With that thought in mind, Jimin manages to get out of bed and get ready. Looking at himself in the mirror, he is sure he never looked that bad in his life. His cheeks are swollen, there are purple circles under his eyes, and his skin is pale. Jimin looks like he is sick, maybe he really is. 

“ Ugly.” He murmurs to himself, takes his coat, and goes outside.

He didn't go outside for 18 days. The sun is almost burning his eyes with its brightness, the weather is cold and sunny at the same time. Jimin hates it. He didn’t miss the streets, the cars passing, or the kids playing at the playground near his building. The world, he thought, doesn’t have the same glow as before. He won’t miss the world and the world won’t miss him. That’s fine.

While walking down the street, he sees a couple fighting. The boy and the girl are sitting on the bench near the crosswalk, where Jimin stops and waits for his turn to cross the street.

“ Aren’t you listening to me?” The boy asks sharply like he is starting to lose his patience. “ I’m breaking up with you.” 

“ B-but, what did I do wrong?” 

“ You are always so clingy, you know I hate that. And we were not even supposed to date. I don’t like you, I only started dating you because I took pity on you.” 

“ Pity?” The girl looks like she is going to cry. 

Pity. Yoongi did feel pity for him that night too, right?

" Yeah. " The guy doesn't even feel guilty for saying that. He doesn't give a shit about her. " Nobody wanted to hook up with you at Lee's party, so I did because it was supposed to be a one-night thing, but you were always clinging to me after that." 

Jimin looked at the girl's face. She was pretty, so pretty and so young. For a moment, that girl wasn't her anymore, instead, it was Jimin there, sitting near that boy and listening to all that awful things that were coming out of the boy's mouth. Jimin could understand how she was feeling.

"Damn, I don't even like girls like you. You are such a whore for affection, always desperate to have someone by your side. What's your problem? Have some self-love, girl." 

Whore?

That's it. Jimin can't take it anymore. 

But before he could even say something, the girl slapped the boy. Very hard. 

Wow, Jimin hasn't seen that coming.

The others pedestrians at the crosswalk started to walk when the traffic light signaled their turn, bringing Jimin to walk too even if he wanted to see what was going to happen. 

Pity. Pity. Pity.

Whore. 

Disgusted. 

Yoongi was disgusted by him too? 

Jimin acted like a whore that night. 

When he arrived at the entrance of the coffee shop, his feet got glued on the spot. Several scenarios of Yoongi screaming at him and calling him a whore plays inside his head.

He can’t deal with this now. He can’t look at him. 

He can’t. He can’t. He isn’t ready. 

What was he thinking? Of course, Yoongi doesn’t want to see him. This is going to end so, so badly. He should go home.

His hands are trembling and sweating, his heartbeat is gaining speed, the world is spinning around him. He tries to breathe some air, but his lungs are closed, crying and despair are on the way.

An employee inside the coffee shop sees him, worried, he opens the door and asks: 

“ Kid, are you alright? “

“ I….I can’t… Whereisthetoilet ?”

“ Near that big glass at the end of the hallway, just turn left.”

He didn’t even say “ thanks”, Jimin just runs inside and locks himself in the first stall he sees, trying to breathe correctly. 

…………………

Yoongi arrives at the coffee shop. It’s not 3 pm yet, so he decides to go to the toilet and check his appearance. He really needs this apartment because his current landlord wants to sell the place Yoongi lives in, so let’s just say he’s a little bit desperate. Nobody wants to go back to their parent’s house.

When Yoongi was washing his hands, he heard the sounds of someone trying to take deep breaths inside the stall. The person sobs, sobs and sobs, and then Yoongi hears it, it’s barely a whisper, but he can understand anyway:

“ H-help.”

Should…should he say something? 

The person tries to breathe again, but it was like the air couldn’t get in. A panic attack? Yoongi usually had those when he was younger.

“ Hello? Can I do something for you? “

“ I…c-can’t breathe. “ The person tries again but fails.

“ Okay. Calm down, let’s breathe with me, okay? Do as I say. Inhale.”

He waits. When Yoongi hears the person inhaling, he continues. 

“ Exhale.”

Inhale 

        Exhale

Inhale

        Exhale 

Inhale 

        Exhale 

Inhale

        Exhale

Inhale

        Exhale

The person continues to breathe alone, and Yoongi is attentive to the sounds coming from inside the stall. The door is slightly open, Yoongi wants to see who is inside, maybe a talk looking at the other’s face could help, however, he is afraid to scare the stranger. And Yoongi himself isn’t the most friendly person on the planet so it could get worse. He feels, more than hears, the person getting better.

“ That’s it, you’re doing alright. Are you better? “

“ Y-yes, thank you very much.”

“ It was nothing. Are you with someone? I can call them. “

“ N-no, I’m…alone. “

“ Oh, okay. “

“ W-what’s your name? “

“ Min Yoongi. Yours? “

The stall’s door burst open. Jimin looks at him with very wide eyes. 

The door shuts close. 

It’s him. He is going to scream at him now, he is going to call him a whore, a poor excuse of a human, that he shouldn’t be born. Just like they did.

He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He needs to get out of here.

“ Jimin? “

No.no.no. He wants to disappear, he can’t deal with this, he can’t breathe again. 

Shit. Shit.

“ I’m s-so sorry, Yoongi-ssi. I’m so sorry for that night and everything I did to y-you.”

Jimin kept saying “ I’m sorry” without a pause, crying and sobbing violently, the words struggling to get out of his mouth.

Yoongi doesn’t know what the fuck he should do. Since the night they met, he couldn’t stop thinking about the boy, and how he was sorry about how everything went. Yoongi shouldn't have done that way, he should have talked to Jimin more. Maybe he could have prevented something like this from happening. Yoongi tried to get the courage to ask Hoseok for Jimin’s number, but he failed. He was a coward. 

“ Jimin-ah, please, let me look at you. I’m the person who should be saying that is sorry. “

Is this a trick? Is Yoongi doing that so he can scream at Jimin when he gets out of the stall? 

Whore. Whore. Whore.

“ W-why are you doing this to me? “

“ Doing what? “

“ I know what I did was wrong, and I’m so sorry about that, I shouldn’t have forced myself on you. But, please, please, don’t scream at me. Just go away, you don’t have to look at me ever again in your life. Taehyung…” he chokes.”  M-my parents don’t talk to me anymore because they are disgusted by me, and I can’t even-”

Suddenly, Jimin felt arms involving him, he didn’t even notice when the stall’s door went open. It was like he was blind, he couldn’t see anything behind his tears. 

But he could feel him. Everywhere. 

The arms involving him were so warm, so gentle. The fabric of Yoongi’s sweater felt soft against his skin, the perfume filling the air was so comforting. Jimin felt like he was in his old parents’ house and he was a kid, everything was safe, warm and with love again.

Safe, warm.

No.No.No. He doesn’t deserve that. 

Feeling Jimin's restlessness, Yoongi hugs him with more force, trying to get the boy to stay calm, to breathe properly. Then he remembered that his mother used to do the same to him when he had a panic attack. It always worked, he hopes it works for Jimin too. 

“ Breathe with me, angel. “  Yoongi is running his hand through Jimin’s hair, trying to comfort him.” I’m not…I’m not going to scream at you, Jimin-ah. Why would I do that? I’m so sorry if I made you feel like that, I-”

“ Yoongi-ssi, please, don-”

“ Shhhh, calm down, angel. Just…breathe for me. You are alright, everything is going to be alright, you just need to calm down.” 

There it was. That strange feeling he felt since the first time he met Yoongi. The feeling that screams familiarity and security. He felt himself relaxing, his body going limp, his eyelids closing slowly.

“ Are you going to sleep, Jimin-ah? “ Yoongi chuckled. 

“ No…”

“ Are you sure? Come on, let me grab something for you. “

Without waiting for an answer, Yoongi guided them outside of the toilet while Jimin was looking at their intertwined hands, shocked at how much he missed it. He forgot that side of himself, that side that is touchy and likes to feel other’s people warm. Yoongi usually doesn’t like physical touch, but he likes to grab hands, likes to walk like this on the streets, and he remembered that tipsy Jimin was always touching him in one way or another, so he decided to give it a try and grab the boy’s hand, trying to give some comfort to him.

At the counter, they waited in line, trying to decide what to drink, and Jimin saw himself feeling a little bit sad when Yoongi lets go of his hand to grab the menu.

“ What do you want, Jimin-ah?”

Just leave, Jimin.

“ Yoongi-ssi, don’t bother yourself, I will just go home.” 

“ Call me ‘hyung’, don’t need to be formal with me.”

“ Hyung, I appreciate your kindness, but I will go.” 

“ Do you need to go?”

“ What?” 

“ I’m asking if you need to go now.”

“ No, but I-.” 

“ So I’m buying something for you. Come on, pick a drink.” 

Was Yoongi this insistent before? 

He looks at Yoongi’s waiting face, wondering what the fuck he is going to do. Should he go home? But…he really wants something to drink. And he kind of missed Yoongi too. Is it strange to miss someone you barely know?

“ Hot choco.” 

Oh my god, Yoongi wants to squeeze his cheeks 

“ Hot what?” 

“ Choco.” 

When Jimin looks at Yoongi, he sees the playful smile on the other’s lips.

“ Are you mocking me?” 

“ Never, you’re just too cute.”

Jimin just lost his words. He felt his face getting hotter, blushing. 

“ Y-you can’t say things like that. “ 

“ Why, angel?” 

Angel. That fucking nickname.

He blushes even harder. 

“ And don’t call me that.” 

“ Okay, I will call you 'princess' then.” 

" You…Why are you like this?"  Jimin never felt so shy. "I'm going to sit there, near the windows."

" Okay, princess."

Fuck.

" D-don't talk to me anymore."

He left a smiley Yoongi behind.

When Jimin sat down, he still could feel his hands shaking. Joining his hands, Jimin tries to calm down. Yoongi wasn’t going to swear at him, Yoongi said to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Yoongi said that everything was going to be alright. 

Yoongi took his hand on his.

This is wrong. Jimin shouldn’t be here, he should apologize and go home. He didn’t deserve hot chocolate, he didn’t deserve gentle hugs and warm hands, and he didn’t deserve Yoongi’s playful smile.

“ It’s nice to see you, angel.” 

Jimin raises his head. Yoongi is there, smiling at him with hot chocolate in one hand and iced americano in the other hand.

“ It’s nice to see you too.”  It’s what he wants to say but the words got stuck in his throat. 

Wrong.

“ Thanks for the hot choco, hyung.” At least he can be polite. 

“ Ah, it’s nothing.” Yoongi sits in front of him. “ So…how have you been doing?”

Are they really going to make small talk? 

“ I’m fine…busy.” Jimin takes a sip of his drink. 

He missed chocolate so much. 

“ O-oh, that is great.” That wasn’t the answer he wanted.

Actually, Yoongi is worried. Two days ago, Hoseok called him, almost crying, saying that he was worried about Jimin, that the boy didn’t go to work, don’t want to talk to him, and he couldn’t talk with Taehyung about Jimin. Something was very wrong. Looking at the boy’s face, Yoongi could see the same sad eyes from the night they met and could see how much Jimin is exhausted. 

He was crying today, having a panic attack. 

But still, the boy in front of him is so beautiful. Yoongi is surprised to find Jimin even more beautiful than the last time he saw him. There is beauty in sadness, and Jimin is like a work of art, with all the sad colors and all the shadows.

He would be even more beautiful smiling.

Yoongi wishes he could take a picture of him. 

Suddenly, Yoongi’s cell phone rings. 

Mom: How was the meeting?

Meeting? What meet-

“ Oh, shit! “

Jimin jumps in his chair, scared. His sweet moment savoring his drink is over.

“ What’s wrong, hyung? “

Did-did Jimin do something wrong?

“ Sorry, Jimin, but I have to go.”  Yoongi gets up and looks around. “ I have to meet someone. I think he is here now. Oh, shit, that’s bad for first impressions. “ 

“ Mr. Park?” 

“ Yeah, it’s him…Wait. How did you know that?” 

“ Hyung, my name is Park Jimin, I’m Mr.Park. “ Jimin smiles slightly. 

Yoongi looks at Jimin with a frown on his face, his cheeks getting red.

Yoongi is so cute.

“ O-oh.” He sits down, looking at Jimin like a fool. “ So…did you know it was me all the time?” 

“ I didn’t know it was you when you called me. Actually, I came here hoping it was you so I could apologize.” 

“ Apologize? Jimin, you have nothing to apologize for.” He needs to be very clear now, he doesn’t want to see Jimin feeling ashamed or that he needs to apologize to him. “That night…we both acted without thinking and the night ended that way. I’m sorry, I think I should have talked more with you, and that’s the only thing I’m sorry for. “ Yoongi looks to his side, avoiding Jimin’s eyes. “ I-I’m not sorry for what we did. We are adults, things like that happen, everything was consensual, so…”

Jimin did not expect that. 

“...Apparently, you begged to be fucked by a man that doesn’t even like men. What do you think of yourself right now? “

But…Yoongi isn’t disgusted by him?

Jimin looks at Yoongi, trying to find something on his face, something that will tell him that everything he has just said was a lie. It can’t be sincere. However, Jimin finds nothing there, only a shy smile and a warm gaze. 

“ Why are you looking at me, Jimin-ah?”

Jimin smiles to himself, blushing. 

“ Oh, I can’t look at you, Yoongi-hyung?” 

Yoongi laughs. Yeah, he remembers that too.

“ You are such a brat.” 

“ No, hyung, that is not your line. “ 

They smile at each other.

Light. Weightless. 

Now, Jimin associate these two feelings with Yoongi.

They sip their drinks, enjoying the moment and the sweet silence between them. That’s good, Yoongi thinks, it went better than he thought it would. He couldn’t admit it to himself, but he had missed Jimin. He missed his giggles, his malicious smirk, his voice, and his little pout on the lips. Is it strange to miss someone you barely know?

“ So, Mr. Park, how about we discuss the apartment's rent?” 

“ Oh, do-do you still wanna live with me?”

“ Of course, I liked the apartment a lot, and we are friends, so it’s a good deal. What do you think?” 

We are friends?

Jimin felt his heart sink. 

Who is Min Yoongi? Why does he always give Jimin so much kindness? And now he wants to call Jimin his friend.

“ B-but if you don’t want all of this, that’s okay, I can search for another apartment.” Yoongi rapidly says when he sees the look on Jimin’s face, something close to sadness and confusion.

“ No, no, it’s just…you are nice, hyung. Do you really wanna be my friend?”

After all of that?

“ Of course, angel. Why wouldn’t I?”

  Because I don’t deserve your friendship. 

But Jimin remains in silence, thinking about what would be like to live with someone who isn’t Tae. And he needs someone to share the rent, so living with someone he knows, living with Yoongi will be…practical?  He doesn’t know what to think about this situation.

It’s better to live with Yoongi - someone he had sex with, fuck - than with a stranger…they don’t even need to see each other every day. Yeah, it can work…right?

“ Okay. “ Jimin nods his head to himself. “ We can do it. Do you want to see the apartment now?” 

“ Like, right now?” 

“ Yeah, unless you have something to do.” 

“ No, we can go.” 

Yoongi didn’t expect something so…straight. He thought Jimin was going to say “ no”, that he was going to hesitate. Damn, even Yoongi doesn’t know what he was saying, he would hesitate if he were in Jimin’s shoes. Yoongi pays for their drinks and meets Jimin outside the coffee shop, looking at the sky with a sad face.

It’s really strange, Jimin thinks while they are walking to his apartment, that the empty feeling, all the agony and sorrow he was feeling this morning had disappeared. Something new, close to excitement, is in his heart. He has a new friend. Yoongi isn’t disgusted by him. 

No, no. Something has to be wrong, someth-

Jimin almost falls to the ground, but Yoongi catches him by the arm. There was a hole in the ground and Jimin didn’t see it. 

“ Fuck, my ankle.” Jimin tries to touch it and cries in pain. “ Fuck, I think I twisted my ankle.” 

“ Do you think you need to go to the hospital?” He almost dropped Jimin.

“ No, I have medicine and bandages at home. But I think I can’t walk.” 

“ Okay. Come on, climb on my back.” 

“ W-what?” 

“ We need to go, and I can’t carry you in the bridal style, my shoulder isn’t good, but I think I can carry you on my back. Come on, let’s go. “ 

When was the last time his father carried him like that? All the sweet moments from his childhood fill his mind. Jimin wants to cry.

Yoongi waits for Jimin. Suddenly, he feels Jimin’s hands on his shoulders, the touch is light like he is afraid to hurt Yoongi. Then, Jimin’s full body is on him, he wraps his arms gently around Yoongi’s neck, and Yoongi holds him behind his knees. 

“ Hi-yo, Silver.” Jimin shouts excitedly. “ Come on, buddy” 

“ What the fuck.” Yoongi laughs. “ I’m not your horse.” 

Jimin just giggles, excited and feeling like a child again. 

Feeling alive.

Just this time, just this moment, Jimin will allow himself to enjoy this, enjoy life. 

“ Oh, by the way, do you like dogs?” Yoongi asks, remembering that he has a dog, Holly.

“ I like them, but I prefer cats.” 

Yoongi rolls his eyes. 

“ Of course you do.”

Sometimes people come into our lives like a beam of light through a window on a cold morning.

Warm.

Chapter Text

“...And for every song, there's a song we're not singing

For every step, there's a step we're not taking

…

So say we'll be always, always

Say it will be you and me 'til the old days

Let us be always, always

Through the highs and the lows, we'll be always.”

Always- Isak Danielson

............

" Have you packed everything?" 

" I think so."

“ Good. Now, let’s drink!” Hoseok jumps in the bed, throwing himself on Yoongi, who stays still when he feels Hobi’s body pressed against him. 

It’s too much. It’s too much.

He can feel Hoseok’s breath on his ear, he can feel his perfume and the heat radiating from his body. Yoongi wants to touch him so much, feel his skin, and taste him on his tongue. But Hoseok is not his.

“ Hobah, I can’t breathe, get out of me.” 

“ Oh, hyung, don’t be so dramatic, I was trying to hug you.” 

“ No, you were trying to kill me.” 

“ Kill you with my loveeee.”

I wish.

“ I will grab the soju.” Yoongi gets out of bed, finally breathing properly. 

Tomorrow he is going to move into Jimin’s apartment, his apartment now. For some reason, he couldn’t say that to Hobi. When he asked where Yoongi is going to live, his mind went blank and he tried to change the subject. Hoseok pretended to not notice, he knows better than to force Yoongi to say something. 

“ Here. “ Yoongi pours some soju into Hobi’s cup. “ Now, let’s make a toast.”

“ Okay! Let’s make a toast to Yoongi, my best friend, the man of my life! I hope you find happiness in this new place you are going to live in. Cheers!” 

Hobi’s smile is like a heart, the same shape, and it shines. So much. Yoongi still remembers the day when he fell in love with that smile. 

“ Yoongi-ah, please, don’t cry.” Hobi runs his hand through Yoongi’s hair.

“ Why did she do that, Hobah? She cheated on me.” Yoongi sobs. “ I love her so much. Why am I never enough? The guy she is with…fuck, he is so handsome, he is everything I’m never gonna be and-” 

“ Don’t you ever say something like this again.” Hoseok grabs his face in his hands, forcing Yoongi to look at him. “ Hyung, you are amazing, you were the best boyfriend, and if she didn’t see that, it’s her loss." Yoongi tries to free himself, but Hobi grabs his face even harder, looking deep into his eyes. “ Min Yoongi, listen to me, I love you so fucking much, you are enough, intelligent, funny and amazing. Okay, sometimes you are a pain in my ass but I love you anyway. Don’t let that bitch make you think you are not the best person I have ever met.” 

“ Fuck, Hobah, don’t say things like that, I’m going to cry even more… I love you too.” He blushes.

“ Wow, are you shy? Oh my God, do you really have a heart? I never heard you say that you love me before.”  Hoseok laughs, trying to make Yoongi smile.

“ Fuck you. “ Yoongi laughs, cleaning his tears with Hobi’s sweater. 

“ Yuck! Now there is your DNA in my clothes. Forget what I said, I truly hate you.” 

“ No, you loveee me.” Yoongi throws himself at Hobi, both of them fall onto the couch.

He loves him, Yoongi loves this man so much. He would do anything to stay by his side, to make him happy.

“ Jesus, hyung, you are so heavy.” But Hoseok is laughing so hard, his loud and happy laugh that always fills the place. Yoongi loves his laugh, it’s like his vitamin.

“ Are you saying that I gained weight?” He tries to give some space between them to look at Hobi’s face. 

“ No…” 

Yoongi grabs the pillow next to him and throws it on his face.

“ Asshole.” 

“ Oh, come on, don’t pout at me. Let’s watch some porn to make you happy, let’s see some girls' boobs!”  He shouts.

“ Yuck, Hoseok, I’m not going to watch porn next to you. What do you think I am? And you don’t even like boobs, you like dicks.” 

“ I would do this sacrifice to see you happy, hyung.”

And then he sees it. That smile.

The smile that looks like a heart, the smile that just radiates so much happiness and love.

Yoongi wants to trace it with his fingers, feel the skin and the shape under his finger. He wants to get lost, claim that lips as his.

He wants Hoseok to smile like that to him every single day. 

…..

After 2 bottles of soju, Yoongi is finally gaining the courage to talk to Hoseok about…his feelings. He knows they are not reciprocated, however, he isn’t the kind of person to keep things to himself, he is a sincere person - maybe too sincere - and Yoongi wants to say it so he can move on. He owns this to himself.

They are lying on the bed, cuddling, Hoseok is playing with his hair while they watch some  tv show Hoseok likes. Yoongi looks at Hobi’s face. He is so handsome, so perfect. How many nights did he cry thinking that Hobi is never gonna be his? How many times did Yoongi catch himself staring at his face to memorize every mole, every trace?

Realizing he was in love with Hoseok, a man, wasn’t so much scary as he thought it would be. It was like falling asleep. Calm and easy.

They have been friends for almost 10 years. He has spent all these years by his side, laughing with him, crying with him, making some stupid decisions with him. And then he realized that he loved Hoseok, that he is in love with him. But it was too late, Hoseok fell in love with Jin hyung and Joonie. That’s okay, Yoongi is happy that his best friend is loved and carried by them.

“ Hobah, I need to tell you something.” 

“ What’s up, cutie?” 

Ouch, now I understand why Jimin gets so shy when I call him by a nickname.

Jimin.

He thinks about the boy, thinks about the sweet and sad smile he gave to Yoongi when he was showing his apartment to him that day. Is he doing well? It has been 7 days - he isn't counting, okay? - since the last time they saw each other. He hopes Jimin is eating well-

Focus, Min Yoongi.

He looks at Hobi’s attentive face, and how his eyes are trying to see what's bothering Yoongi.

Hoseok is always so carrying, so gentle. The best friend Yoongi could ask for. 

Friend . But until when?

He is going to lose him, right? 

Yoongi looks into his eyes, seeing all the moments they have spent together, all the love and friendship, a glimpse of what they have always been.  If he confesses, he is going to lose everything. And Yoongi can’t live without him, Hoseok is his best friend and his brother. A life without Hoseok it’s gonna be…blue and grey.

“ Hyung, you are scaring me. What’s wrong?” 

“ W-what?”

“ You are crying.”

Yoongi didn’t notice it.

“ You can tell me, hyung.” Hoseok smiles, gently brushing Yoongi’s bangs out of his face.

Hoseok is always so gentle with him, it’s like Yoongi is made of glass, but he can understand it, they have been through a lot of shit. Hobi was there when Yoongi used to have panic attacks, Hobi was there when Yoongi was fighting depression, Hobi was there when Yoongi almost died. 

He doesn’t want to lose him. 

But he can’t live with this feeling stuck in his chest. He and Hobi always shared everything and keeping this to himself sound wrong. 

“ Hobah…I…I love you. And it’s not in a friendly way, I love you for real. I know that you are with Jin and Joonie now, b-but I couldn’t bear keeping this to myself anymore. I-I love you in a way I never loved anyone before, and I don’t want to see us falling apart because of my feelings for you, I don’t want to leave you, Hobah.”

Hobi says nothing. He is just lying there with his mouth open, trying to process everything Yoongi has said to him. Suddenly, Yoongi feels hands on his hips, bringing him even closer to Hoseok, and then…lips on his mouth. 

Oh my god.

It's like instinct, Yoongi leans over Hoseok, trying to deepen the kiss. When Hobi cups his face and opens his mouth to him, Yoongi ignores all the warnings in his head and accepts the fact that he is kissing Hobi. He is kissing the man he is in love with, he is kissing his personal sunshine. He is kissing Jung Hoseok, and it's amazing. It’s like they have been doing this since forever, it’s known and easy. Yoongi can feel his own crying, his tears mixing with his feelings on Hobi’s skin.

But he feels Hobi crying too.

" Hobah, what's wrong?" 

" I’m so s-sorry, Yoonie, I’m so sorry that I can't l-love you back the way you deserve." 

“ No, please, don’t cry because of me.” He wipes Hobi’s tears. Someone like him shouldn’t cry over someone like Yoongi. “ That’s okay, you know? I will get over it. That’s okay, Hobah, I’m okay.”

“ That’s why you are moving? To get away from me?” The despair in Hobi’s voice breaks Yoongi’s heart.

Their buildings are literally in front of each other, so they basically live together since Hoseok and Yoongi spend a lot of their time in each other's apartment because Hobi just loves being with his hyung and Yoongi can't say "no" when Hoseok begs him to stay the night. They have dinner together,  they have spent a lot of lazy Sundays just chilling on the couch, watching everything they could find on Netflix.

 In the last 3 months, Hoseok has been practically living with him because he simply burned his kitchen and dining room while trying to make spaghetti - how Hobi did that it's a mystery to Yoongi- so he is renovating the kitchen and buying its furniture.

They have never been apart.

"No, of course not. I told you my landlord wants to sell this place, so I have to go."

" I don't want to lose you, hyung." 

" You won't lose me. " Their foreheads meet. " How can you think that I could do something like that?” 

“ ‘Cause the way you said it, I don’t know, it looked like you were leaving me, hyung.”

“ I would never do that. I’m afraid that you would leave me. T-that’s why you kissed me? To not see me leaving?” 

Please, please, don’t say it.

“ No, hyung. I just…love you so much, I couldn’t see you crying because of me. Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, it was so fucking stupid.” Then Hobi gets away from him, trying to keep a distance between them. 

“ No, no, please, Hobah, don’t leave.” Yoongi grabs his hand, putting Hoseok closer to him.

“ I don’t want you to hate me, hyung.” 

“ How could I hate you? You are my best friend” He smiles softly. “ Come on, lay here next to me, I’m cold.”

Yoongi ignores the fact that Hobi's lips were on his, that he knows now how Hoseok tastes. If they were together, Yoongi would wake up every single day with those kisses. He feels his heart breaking at the memory of something they have never lived and never will.

Hoseok is not yours. Hoseok is not yours. Get over it.

So they stay there, side by side.

Silence. Yoongi hates when Hoseok stays that way, he needs to do something.

" We are so fucking stupid." Yoongi laughs. " You even kissed me. You have two boyfriends, and now you need a third? So needy."

When that smile appears on Hobi’s lips, Yoongi knows that everything is going to be alright.

" Fuck you, Min Yoongi. I just panicked, didn't know what to do." 

" So kissing me was the only choice you could think of? Stop thinking with your dick." 

" W-what? Oh, I will pretend you didn't kiss me back, you asshole! " 

" Your mouth was on my mouth! What could I do?" 

" Don't kiss back?"

" Yeah, true."  He just shrugs his shoulders.

" Dumbass."

" Kiss me hard before you go, summertime sadness ." Yoongi starts to sing. " I just wanted you to know- " 

" Please, stop, or I'm kissing you again to shut your fucking mouth." 

" But you used to love this song! Lana Del Rey was your queen. Wait, kissing me is going to become a habit? Jin hyung is going to beat the shit out of me." 

" Oh my god, Yoongi, shut up."

" Will you kiss me?" He tries to be seductive but fails miserably.

They laugh so hard that tears start to fall.

" Fuck, I'm going to miss this."  Hoseok takes a deep breath, trying not to cry.

" I'm not going to die, Hobah." 

“ So promise me, Min Yoongi, that we will always stay like this until the old days.” 

His voice is so serious, reminding Yoongi of the side of his friend that is more mature, more serious and dark. Hoseok has his dark past too, Yoongi was there for him as always. 

Always.

“ Always.”

Hoseok looks at his face, smiling, showing the little dimple in the corner of his mouth.

Yoongi is so weak for him.

“  So I’m happy. Let’s watch something now?”

They put a random movie, making some comments here and there. It’s comfy and sweet. Yoongi loves to spend some time with Hobi that way, but the look on his friend’s face alerts Yoongi that something is not okay.

“ Hobah, what’s wrong? You are not even paying attention to the movie. Is it something I said? Is it the kiss? Just forget about it, it was nothing."

It was everything to me.

“ Hyung…” He hesitates. “ Can we talk about Jimin?” 

Yoongi didn’t expect that. Cleaning his throat, he tries to maintain an unbored face.

“ Oh, what do you wanna talk about it?”

Hobi plays with his fingers, suddenly feeling shy to bring up the subject. Yoongi never mentioned Jimin before, maybe they don’t get along or their “thing” didn’t finish well.

“ Hmm…I know t-that you and him slept together. “ Yoongi wants to die.” And…do you still talk to him?”

“ How do you know that?” 

Hobi’s cheeks blush.

“I heard you two that night.”

 Hoseok heard him having sex…Yoongi will throw himself on the Han River.

“ O-okay.” Yeah, it’s all he has to say.

“ Do you?” 

“ Do I what?” 

“ Do you still talk to him? I don’t wanna intrude in your relationships, I just wanna know if he is alright.”

You don’t keep secrets from each other.

“ I’m going to live with him.” 

“ What?” Hoseok shouts. 

“ Yeah, we…meet after that night, some days ago, and he was looking for someone to live with him, the place is nice, so I said ‘yes’. It’s not a big deal, we are not together or something like that. We are just…friends.”

“ Friends.” Hoseok murmurs. He wants to ask more, wants to talk with Yoongi about his new sexuality, and how he is feeling about it, he wants to ask about him and Jimin. He has so many words to say, but Yoongi is blushing too much while he looks at the sheets. Hobi will ask later.

“ So…keep an eye on him for me, okay? I know he isn't feeling well, he barely talks to me anymore, and…I’m just very worried.” 

He looks at Hoseok, relieved that his friend didn’t push him to talk about things Yoongi himself doesn't know how to deal with. He has just confessed to his best friend, he kissed him, and now this same best friend heard him having sex with another man when Yoongi was supposed to be straight, and tomorrow he is going to live with the man he had sex with, the man he couldn't stop thinking about since the day they met. It’s a lot of information to digest. 

“ O-okay.” 

Hoseok stays the night. They watch two more movies, they talk about work and family, and Hobi cuddles Yoongi until he falls asleep. But Yoongi can’t turn off his mind. He just stays there, feeling Hoseok’s breath on his neck, watching the shadows of the cars passing on the streets. His grip on Hobi’s waist tightens. 

Hobi kissed me.

And now that he knows what is like to be kissed by him and how he tastes, Yoongi finds it even harder to let him go. Falling in love can be dangerous. And Yoongi always falls so easily. Some people say he is cold, his face too blank and emotionless, however, this is far away from the truth. Sometimes he feels like his heart is bare for everybody to see, so many emotions screaming to get free.

A sob tries to break the surface. He doesn’t want to cry, not anymore, not when he can wake up Hobi.

How could he be so naive? One day, he dared to imagine what life with Hoseok would be like, as a happy couple. They would bring Hobi’s dog, Mickey, from his parent’s house to live with them, they would move to a bigger apartment, and he would teach Hobi how to cook. Silly him. 

When he feels like crying again, Yoongi tries to let it die. There is a pain in his chest, trying to cut his chest and break him. Hobi moves a little bit. 

Please, please, please, don’t wake up. Don’t wake up, I can’t. 

He sobs, struggling to hold back the tears. It hurts.

When he can’t hold back anymore, Yoongi lets the tears fall. He cries because of the future he can’t have, he cries because of the past that can’t change, and he cries because of the wounds of the present. 

His cellphone lights up, signaling he received a message.

Jimin: U said u have a dog. How big is he? I have a pillow here that u can use as a dog’s bed. It’s big, but not big enough if your dog is like a german shepherd

It's 1 a.m 

What's Jimin doing? 

Me: Holly is a poodle. I appreciate it, but he usually sleeps with me. He takes the bed all to himself, so it’s better to say that I sleep in his bed hahaha

" Hahaha"? Really, Min Yoongi? How funny.

He groans.

Jimin: Does your dog boss u around too? 

Me: Shut up, go to sleep. 

Jimin: Woof woof

That brat.

Me: I’m blocking u

*Yoongi blocked Jimin*

He smiles to himself, feeling a little lighter since the beginning of the day.

The pain is still there, but there is something warm too.

*Yoongi unblocked Jimin*

Jimin: I CAN'T BELIEVE U BLOCKED ME!  Go live on the streets, I'm not sharing MY apartment with u

Yoongi: I will bring one hot choco

Jimin: Two 

Yoongi: Deal

Chapter Text

“ I still feel my heart

Breathe faster like when

I walked on the cold winter streets

Don't say you're fine

'Cause you're not

Please don't leave me alone, it hurts too much.”

Blue and Grey- BTS

..................

“ Fuck, you are so useless, Park Jimin.” 

He cries silently, sitting on the messy floor of his living room. Yoongi will arrive soon, and he couldn’t clean the apartment the way he wanted. His place is a mess because Jimin couldn’t do shit it in the past few days. He can’t do anything right. So useless. 

For a second, he considers calling Yoongi to cancel the contract. Jimin can’t do this, he can't live with someone, he just wants to be left alone. So Jimin unlocks his cell phone and tries to find his number, which isn't hard because Yoongi's contact is the first one on the screen. It was Jimin’s first time initiating a conversation with someone in the last few weeks. Although Hobi tries to talk with him almost every day, he can't hold a conversation with Hoseok. Jimin knows he is being a horrible friend. The truth? He doesn’t deserve a friend like Hobi, he doesn’t deserve someone that is trying to keep in touch but is always pushed away. Jimin doesn’t even know why he is doing this, he just keeps pushing Hoseok farther away.

 Because at the end of the day, Jimin is still alone anyway. 

Last night, while cleaning Tae’s wardrobe, Jimin saw the big pillow he had brought to Taehyung 2 years ago. He remembers how much Tae begged Jimin to buy it for him, making big eyes and pouty lips, looking so similar to a puppy that Jimin couldn’t resist him. And when he saw the pillow yesterday, thrown aside like it was nothing, Jimin couldn’t contain his tears. He missed Taehyung, he missed  them,  their friendship. Every single day, Jimin tries to get the courage to call him or send a message, but what if Tae still doesn’t want to see him? What if Tae isn’t willing to forgive him? 

He couldn’t look at the big pillow anymore, so he sent a message to Yoongi, because talking with him was so easy, it’s always easy, and Jimin caught himself smiling at his cell phone last night. 

“ Fuck.” Disappointed with himself, Jimin got up from the floor. He just needs to clean, he can't be so useless.

Somehow, Jimin manages to clean the apartment as best as he can. His place isn’t big, there is a small open kitchen, one dining table next to the couch, one Tv in the living room, a balcony, two bedrooms in front of each other, and one bathroom down the hall. It was simple, with beige walls and some plants here and there. When they rented the apartment, Taehyung wanted blue walls, colorful rugs, and a lot of paintings hanging on the walls. It was hard to convince him to change the color of the walls and to buy simple - and boring, according to Tae - rugs. But the paintings were still there, some of them were painted by Tae himself. Jimin loves them. When you look at the paintings, every detail, every color, every trace screams “ Taehyung”. 

Feeling sweaty and gross after cleaning, he takes a quick shower before Yoongi arrives. 

Yoongi.

  Yoongi.

     Yoongi.

He is going to live with Yoongi. He used to live with Taehyung. 

There are so many mixed feelings, so many emotions floating in his head.

Sadness. 

Fear.

Curiosity.

Missing. 

Anxiety.

Regret.  

Longing.  It’s like he is going to explode. 

He puts his hand right above his heart, feeling its beat. It’s beating so fast. Why is he feeling this way? Sometimes Jimin is just doing something simple like taking a shower, but then he suddenly wants to cry. His heart starts to beat fast, his hands start to shake, and then he is a mess again. Just like now. 

“ Calm down, J-Jimin.” He says to himself under the warm water. “ Calm d-down, c-calm down, calm down.” But it doesn’t work. He is crying again. 

Someone come and save me, please. My chest hurts.

He begs, but to who? Nobody is here, just the shadow that swallows him, keeping him company and saying that this is all  wrong . He isn’t supposed to live with Yoongi, Taehyung is gone, and he is a fucking mess.

  He wants to die.                                              

                    He doesn’t want to be alone. 

  He wants to feel like himself again.              

                      He doesn’t want to exist anymore. 

What’s wrong with him? Why can’t he be like everyone else? 

Jimin lightly slams his forehead on the cold wall. One, two, three times, until he gets tired and does it a little bit harder. He deserves the pain.

“ I don’t know what went wrong” Jimin sobs. “ When did I get like this?”

You hurt Taehyung and Hobi.

His forehead meets the wall again. 

You are a fucking mess.

A little bit harder. 

Your parents don’t want you.

Then harder. 

Yoongi won’t want you too. 

Blood. 

Jimin puts his hand on his forehead and feels something warm going down his fingers, something red and slimy. 

“ Oh, fuck.” He is quick to turn off the shower. 

Jimin wraps himself in a towel and takes a look in the mirror. The cut isn’t’ deep, he probably cut himself on the tile sticking out of the wall. The blood brings color to his blue face and his grey life. That’s okay. 

Yoongi is coming soon.

Jimin tries to hide his pain with a smile, ignoring the tears reflecting in the mirror. He can’t show Yoongi how much he is nervous, he can’t see Jimin this way. But Jimin is so afraid, fuck, he is going to live with  Yoongi,  another man, another somebody, someone who isn’t Taehyung. The older said he wants to be Jimin’s friend, however, Jimin doesn’t know how to be a friend, he just knows how to destroy. 

This ground is so heavy, living is so heavy.

Suddenly, the bathroom door busts open and something fluff and caramel - a dog? - jumps on Jimin, making him lose his balance and fall on his ass. 

“ Holly! Fuck!” Yoongi screams in the living room. 

Jimin giggles when Holly starts to lick his neck. The dog is euphoric, wagging his tail and licking him without mercy. 

“ Are you Holly?” Jimin smiles when Holly barks at him. “ You are such a good boy. “

The dog barks again and licks his face, happy. 

“ Holly! Fuck, Jimin-ah, I’m so sorry.” Yoongi looks at the two of them with a funny face.

His mouth is open, his eyes are popping out of his face and his hair is a mess. Jimin laughs more. 

He is his  friend.

“ Hyuuung, help me.” He giggles when Holly licks his right armpit, licking every drop of water off his body. “ He is going to eat me alive.” 

I need to be a good friend, I can’t destroy this.

“ This dog is going to be the death of me.” Yoongi murmurs to himself, picking Holly up. The dog tries to get out of his hold, but Yoongi kisses his head and Holly calms down. “ Oh God.” He stops, looking at Jimin with wide-open eyes, blushing when he sees Jimin’s bare chest. 

“ What?” Jimin is out of breath because of Holly, the dog is a ball of energy.

“ Y-you are naked. Jesus Christ, fuck, you are bleeding, Jimin!”  

“ I’m…bleeding?” Then he remembers his state. 

He is naked on the floor, with a towel that is barely covering his dick.

Amazing. Can he die now? 

“ Oh, this is nothing, hyung. I was taking a shower and…I cut myself. It’s not a big deal.” Jimin gets up, quickly wrapping the towel around his body.

Yoongi looks at him with a stunned face. 

Did Jimin say something wrong?

" You are bleeding.  Bleeding , Jimin." But Yoongi isn't looking at him, he is just looking at something behind Jimin, lost in his mind.

" Okay…I will clean it."

What's going on with him?

" No, let me help you." Yoongi puts Holly on the floor and gently grabs Jimin's hand, leading him to the couch in the living room.

Jimin says nothing, just lets Yoongi do what he wants. And then Jimin remembers he is  naked .

" Hyung, I will dress something, wait a minute." But Yoongi isn’t in the living room anymore, he went outside to find his first-aid kit in one of the boxes he brought. 

When he arrives in his bedroom, Jimin searches for something clean and presentable, wishing he had done the laundry last week. He doesn’t know why, but seeing Yoongi looking beautiful with his dark mullet hair and rosy cheeks makes him want to… look good. He doesn’t want Yoongi to think he is sloppy. 

In the living room, Yoongi waits for Jimin with balls of cotton, a curative and one bottle of alcohol in his hands. He tries to calm down. Jimin is just bleeding, he is alright, he isn’t going to-

Calm the fuck down, Yoongi, remember what your therapist said.

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down his nerves. Nothing is going to happen, it’s just a tiny, normal cut. It can happen to anyone, no reason to panic. Relax.

Jimin arrives and he forgets the reason he was panicking 2 seconds ago. 

Yoongi’s hands are itching to take photos of the boy. When the weather is cold and the leaves are falling, Yoongi goes out with his professional camera, taking photos of everything it is beautiful to him. That’s how he saw Jimin for the first time, 2 years ago. 

He is walking at Hangang park, taking photos of the birds and the flowers, when he sees a boy looking like a marshmallow with winter clothes. He is sitting on the park’s bench, swinging his legs that can barely touch the ground. The boy has a little smile on his lips and a peaceful gaze, taking sips from his coffee.

The boy closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, and when he opens them, shit, it’s like he is holding all the stars in them. He is the most beautiful living being Yoongi has ever seen. 

“ Excuse me, sir. “ Yoongi says. “ My name is Yoongi, I’m a photographer, and I was wondering if you would let me take some photos of you.” 

Why is Yoongi sweating so much? It’s not like this is the first time he is approaching someone. And it’s freezing cold, he shouldn’t be sweating. 

The boy looks at him with a surprised face, the cheeks blushing. 

“ I’m sorry, Yoongi-ssi, ” He bows. “ but I don’t have money to pay you.” 

“ No, no, I’m doing it for free.” The boy looks at him doubtfully. “ Let me show you." Yoongi gets closer to him, showing him the pictures he took today. “ I took this photo of this old lady 20 minutes ago, she was looking so happy playing with her grandson. And this couple…" Yoongi gets excited, showing even more photos. “...is married for almost 40 years, can you believe that? I had to take these photos, they look so in love, and look thes- I’m sorry, I’m talking a lot, right?” He laughs, feeling a little bit of shame.

“ That’s alright, I get like this too when I’m talking about something I love.” The boy giggles, making Yoongi surprised with the sweetness of it. “ Oh, my name is Jimin, nice to meet you, Yoongi-ssi.” They shake hands. “ So, I guess you are not some psychopath trying to get me into the woods to kill me.” 

" W-what? Do I look like a psychopath?"

" Just a little bit." 

To say Yoongi is shocked would be a euphemism, he doesn't know what to say. He knows his face isn't the most friendly, but no one ever said he looked like some psycho. 

" I'm just messing with you." Jimin laughs loudly. " You should have seen your face. I'm sorry." He laughs again, and Yoongi doubts the boy is really sorry. " Where do you want to take the photos?"

Yoongi tries to not show his happiness, maintaining a professional face. 

“ We can stay here, there are a lot of trees, and everybody is going to see us, so it will be difficult to kill you.” 

“ You are a horrible psychopath, I don't know how the police didn't catch you yet. ” Jimin takes a stand. “ So, what do you want me to do?” 

“ I have my ways to not get caught.” Yoongi thinks about what exactly he wants to capture, and how many sides of Jimin he wants the camera to see. “ Okay, you can put your hands on your ears. Yeah, just like that, and, I don’t know, smile a little bit.” 

He laughs when Jimin does the pose. 

 So cute.

“ Good. Now, I would like you to make an ugly face.” 

“ Sorry, but I can never be ugly, Yoongi-ssi.” 

“ You’re so humble.” 

“ It’s a gift.” 

They laugh a bit more, taking photos and joking with each other. 

Yoongi tried to capture the innocence and playful side of the boy, his true beauty among the trees. He is thrilled with the result, showing Jimin the pictures he took. 

“ Oh my god, I loved that one.” Jimin shouts excitedly. “ Can you send me them, Yoongi-ssi?” 

“ Of course, give me your email.” 

They exchange emails, and Yoongii feels something close to sadness. They will part ways soon, and it’s a shame, he wishes he could stay with Jimin more, maybe take more photos of him. 

“ Chim, I was looking for you!” Another boy appears, hugging Jimin in a tight hug. The smile Jimin gives the boy is so shiny that Yoongi wants to grab his camera again. 

He looks like an angel.

“ Sorry, TaeTae, I got distracted.” 

“ No problem. Let’s go, Kookie is waiting for us.” He says and grabs Jimin's right hand. 

“ Okay. Goodbye, Yoongi-ssi, it was nice to meet you.” He bows again. “ Thank you for not killing me.” 

“ It wasn’t worth killing you, it would be too much work.” Yoongi giggles. 

“ Are you saying that I’m not worth it?” He says offended.

Yoongi just smiles, showing his gums to Jimin.

Jimin loved that smile, so he smiles too. 

“ I will send you the photos later.”

 “I can’t wait.” Jimin and the boy start to walk. “ Bye, Yoongi-ssi.” 

“ Bye, angel.” He waves. 

Jimin just smiles at him, that big and shiny smile. He hopes that smile never leaves the boy’s face. 

When Yoongi found those photos 3 days ago while cleaning his computer’s memory, he almost choked. How could he have met someone like Jimin and forgotten about him? Yoongi was so happy that day, so pleased with the photos of the angelic boy he had just met, one of his most beautiful works.

Jimin sits on the couch, waiting for him with a weird look.

Pretend. Pretend.

Pretend that he is alright.

Yoongi comes out of his trance and gets to the action.

" Wait, will it hurt?" 

" No, but it will burn a little." He sees the fear on Jimin's face. " I will try to do it slowly, you don't have to worry, angel."

 He cleans the cut first, apologizing when Jimin feels the burning from the alcohol against the skin. Jimin takes the opportunity to take a look at Yoongi's face and the way he frowns his eyebrows when he is concentrating. How many stories are there beyond those sharp eyes? How many times did that little pout smile? There are many things about Yoongi that Jimin doesn't know. 

He wants to know him, but Jimin will only get to know him if he  pretends . Jimin can’t be the same kind of friend he was with Hobi and Taehyung, he can’t be the same person he was with his parents, Yoongi can’t know how much he is anxious, so he will have to pretend. Pretend to be someone different, someone normal. 

" You are looking at me again." Yoongi says, without taking his concentration off the wound.

" What's your problem with me looking at you?" 

" Because you make me nervous."  Yoongi wants to say, but he chooses another answer instead. " It's strange.  You  are a little bit strange. Are you going to watch me in my sleep too? I'm starting to regret living with you." 

" Fuck off." They smile at each other.

When everything it’s clean and dry, Yoongi puts the curative. Jimin gets up to look at himself in the mirror next to the living room door, and can’t contain his laugh when he sees the curative’s design, Barbie and Ken's happy faces looking back at him.

“ Why do you have the curative of Barbie, hyung? I couldn’t tell you were a fan.” 

Yoongi stops what he is doing, clearing his throat.

“ My niece left them at my home. And Barbie movies are very educational, okay? They talk about friendship, hardworking and stuff like that…but I have never watched them…my niece told me about it.” 

Jimin gets suspicious. Yoongi is blushing so much that he is looking like a tomato, he isn’t even looking at him. Jimin smiles, an evil smile. 

“ I don’t know, ‘Barbie as the Island Princess’ is basically a romance, there is nothing more than that.” 

Yoongi looks at him, nonconformist. 

“ Of course not! It teaches kids that kindness is always the right choice, that you can overcome difficult situations, and how friendship can be your safe place. There is a lot more than romance, actually, romance is just a bonus. Barbie doesn’t need him.” 

“ Did your niece tell you all of that? She is a smart kid.” 

Yoongi fell into the trap.

“ Shut up, brat. Leave the curative there until tomorrow morning, so the cut can close, then you can take it off and throw it away. Now, come on, help me bring my stuff inside my room."

“ I don’t want to.” He lies on the couch, feeling lazy.

“ Well, I don’t care, come on, Jimin-ah.” 

“ Hyuuuuung.” He complains.

But Yoongi isn’t there anymore, he is outside the apartment, bringing his stuff inside. Jimin snorts while getting up. Thank God there are only a few boxes in the corridor. 

“ I thought you had more stuff.” 

“ There are some things at Hobi’s place and my parent’s house. I don’t need much, just my clothes and the necessities to live.” 

This is the complete opposite of Jimin. Tae always complained he had too many things, always bringing the whole house with him when they traveled.

Taehyung…

When they bring all the boxes inside, Jimin closes the door, remembering that he didn’t open it to Yoongi today. 

“ How did you get inside?” 

“ I knocked three times, and since you didn’t respond, I thought you were out so I opened it with the passcode you gave me.” 

“ Oh, that makes sense. So, where is my hot choco?” 

You two will go out. Good friends do that, right? Yeah, you are doing good, Jimin.

“ We can go buy them now. Let’s get our coats, it is freezing outside.” 

“ Let’s go, I’m craving chocolate today.” 

“ Holly, stay here like a good dog, okay?” Yoongi kisses the dog’s head. “ I will be right back.” 

“ Holly is so cute.” Jimin says when they get out of the apartment, climbing down the stairs. “ How old is he?” 

“ Maybe 4 years?”

“ You don’t know your dog’s age, but you know all the Barbie movies?” 

" I'm not good with dates, okay?”

“ Are you good at something?”

Teasing Yoongi is like a new hobby.

“ God, you are so annoying.” But he rolls his eyes, amused.

“ It’s a gift.”

Yoongi smiles to himself, remembering that day.

When they arrive at the coffee shop, Jimin sits at the same table they sat at before, waiting for Yoongi to bring their drinks. Jimin thinks he is doing good, being with Yoongi isn’t difficult, they have gotten along since the first time they met. But Jimin is still nervous, and Yoongi notices it. 

Jimin hears a loud laugh, one laugh that belongs to only one person.

" Hobah, what are you doing here?" And there is a smile on his face, one smile with gums showing.

Jimin is taken aback, he never saw that smile before. Suddenly, he feels himself smiling too.

" Yoongi! "

Jimin looks at them, the two friends near their table, and sees Hobi kissing Yoongi's cheek.

Yoongi blushes.

Jimin’s smile dies.

Chapter Text

 “ 'Cause all of your lovers eventually fade

And leave you alone in the bed you made

And all of the colors that bleed to gray leave nothing

Touch me someone

I'm too young to feel so

Numb, numb, numb, numb

So give me just enough to

Make me feel something, something”

Feel something- Jaymes Young

................

It has been 5 days. 

5 days that Jimin hasn't talked to him. 

Well, they talk, but it’s always the same thing.

Good morning. Did Holly eat? Good evening. Are you hungry? Good night. 

What did Yoongi do wrong? 

He tries to get a tiny detail from his memories about their last longer interaction that didn’t seem right. He finds nothing. Maybe this isn’t related to him…maybe Jimin isn’t feeling well…but why not talk to him? Yoongi is trying, God, he is trying so much to adapt, he is trying to be a good roommate, a good friend, however, Jimin isn’t even talking to him.

What did he do wrong?

He tries to sleep, lying in a more comfortable position in bed, but he wakes up Holly instead. Yoongi is always waking up Holly in these last few days, always fidgeting in bed, and maybe that’s why when he wakes up in the morning, his dog isn’t in his bed with him. Even Holly can't be in the same place as him.

“ Sorry, buddy.” He whispers, and Holly licks his hand and comes back to sleep, turning to lie more comfortably on Yoongi’s side of the bed. 

Maybe Yoongi needs to stop thinking too much, he won’t get any sleep like this… maybe he didn’t do anything wrong, maybe Jimin is sick? He hasn’t seen the boy too much because his work is getting all his time, and Yoongi is always arriving late at home. Fuck, he is being a horrible roommate, isn’t he? They don’t even have dinner together, and-

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears that his door is being opened. Yoongi closes his eyes and pretends he is sleeping. He internally rolls his eyes to himself. 

What is he? A child?

Jimin tiptoes inside the dark room, making sure to not stumble on his own feet. He doesn’t even know what he is doing here, Jimin just knows that he is feeling so alone…Hobi’s words from that day they met at the coffee shop are playing inside his head over and over again. Jimin doesn’t want to be alone now, he is tired of crying until he falls asleep. 

Yoongi is sleeping so calmly, curled up like a burrito in the blanket, with only his pouty lips and dark hair showing. His hyung is so cute. No, he isn’t his hyung, Yoongi isn’t his. In truth, Jimin trapped Yoongi here with him, and Yoongi is only here because he feels sorry for him, because someone has to take care of Jimin. It happens that Yoongi was the only one available.  

This is not fair. Why does Jimin always fucks up everything? 

He feels his tears wetting his cheeks. No, he can’t cry here, Yoongi is sleeping and he doesn't want him to see Jimin crying again, he doesn’t want him to feel like he needs to do something for Jimin. 

Jimin doesn’t want to bother him. He doesn’t want to be a burden. 

But I've been a burden since the beginning, that’s why he is here.

The thought that Yoongi is only here because Jimin is so useless that he can’t even take care of himself… it hurts. It hurts knowing Yoongi isn’t here because he wants to be his friend. 

He is here only to take care of him. 

Jimin wanted a friend. He wanted Yoongi.

“ Hi, Holly.” He whispers, hoping Yoongi is a heavy sleeper. “ Do you want to come with me again?” 

Holly gets up, looking at Jimin with a waiting face. 

“ Come on, let’s sleep with Jiminie.”

When Yoongi hears Jimin leaving his bedroom, he sits straight in bed. 

Did he just steal my dog?

He stays still. What should he do now? Maybe Jimin needs something. His voice…there was sadness in there. Fuck, Yoongi wishes he could do something, anything, but how? 

Yoongi just wants him to be alright, he just wants to see him smile again. Like an angel. 

I wish he would talk to me.

In the other bedroom, Jimin makes room on the bed for the dog, trying to make a little nest. He loves sleeping with Holly, the dog is so cuddly and warm. And he smells like Yoongi.

He smells like safety. 

Jimin brings Holly near his chest, kissing him softly on the head. 

“ Why do I have to be such a burden, Holly? I think I need to die soon, so your father won’t be trapped here.” He sobs. Shit, all he can do in these last few days is cry and cry. “ I can’t even look at h-him, seeing his face is like a slap, a reminder that he is forced to be here. The first time we met, I forced myself on him, and now this.” Holly whimpers, feeling Jimin’s sadness. “ I’m so sorry, Holly. Oh, God, my parents were right…they were right about everything.”

“ Hello?”

“ Appa?” 

“ Jimin? I told you to not call me.”

“ Please, please, don’t hang up.”

His father is angry, Jimin knows from the way he is breathing on the phone. 

“ What do you want?” 

“ I want to know… if you and eomma are o-okay.” Fuck, he is nervous. This is the first time he talks with his appa since they disowned him. He tried to talk with his eomma so many times, but she never answered the phone. 

She knew it was him who was calling. 

“ We are fine. Are you better now? Don’t call us again.”

“ Please, appa! I-”

“ Don’t call me ‘appa’, you have no right. You are not my son, you are a burden. Because of you, my colleagues at work tease me, they know my son is a faggot. You are so selfish, Jimin, if you really carried about me and your eomma, you wouldn’t be the way you are.” He laughs without humor on it. “ You are just a faggot, you are just a burden that I have to carry. Don’t you dare to call me.” 

He hangs up the phone. 

A burden. 

This memory still hurts. Everything hurts.

Jimin cries on his pillow, hugging the dog tightly

…………

Six days ago.

When Yoongi points his finger in the direction of Jimin and Hobi looks at him, Jimin thinks he is going to pass out, anxiety starting to grip him.  

“ Jimin-ah!” Hobi shouts, almost running in his direction. 

In the blink of an eye, Hobi is all over him, hugging him tightly in an awkward position. 

“ I’m so, so happy to see you! Where were you? Why didn’t you answer my messages? God, we were all so worried about you, and-”

“ Let him breathe, Hobah.” Yoongi gently gets Hoseok out of Jimin. “ Here, angel, your hot choco.” He puts the drink in front of him, his smile shining even more now because Hobi is here.

“ Angel?” Hobi teases. 

“ Just shut up.” Yoongi says, sitting on the other side of the table.

Hobi rolls his eyes, smiling like he knew something they didn’t, and sits near Jimin, grabbing his hands on his. 

“ Hobi, I’m…” But Jimin can’t bring himself to say something. 

I’m sorry. 

I’m a horrible friend. 

I’m sorry. 

Hobi hyung, I tried to kill myself. 

I just wanna go home. 

But I don’t have a home.

Seeing the conflict on the boy's face, Hobi tries to calm him down, patting his hair in the way he knows Jimin likes. 

“ Sshhh, that’s okay. I just wanna know if you are alright. I miss you.” 

“ I miss you too.” Jimin manages to whisper. This is the only truth he can say for now. 

“ Hobah, what do you want to drink? I can bring something for you too.” 

“ Just let me take a sip of yours.” 

“ It’s black coffee, you will have a headache later.” 

“ So put one spoon of sugar on it for me, please, hyungieee.” Hobi pouts. 

Jimin never saw him putting sugar on his coffee before, Yoongi said he hated the taste of it, but he would do anything for Hobi, wouldn’t he? 

He is in love with him.

Jimin can see it now, in the way the two of them lean in the direction of each other, the fond smile Yoongi gives him and the familiarity between them. 

He used to be like that with Taehyung. 

“ Excuse me, I w-will go to the toilet.” He almost runs, trying to get away from them and what they have. Their friendship and love glow so much, and Jimin misses Taehyung so much too. 

When he arrives back at their table, he hears Hobi's voice and sees his concerned face. They are so busy talking that they don’t acknowledge his arrival. 

“ You need to take care of him, Yoongi, he isn’t alright.” 

“ I know that, and now that we are living together it will be easier. You don’t have to worry, Hobah.” 

“ I trust you, hyung. It’s just…” He takes a deep breath. “Someone needs to take care of him now that he isn’t living with Tae anymore, and I’m happy that it’s you, but, please, don’t overload yourself.” 

“ You don’t need to worry.” 

“ I always worry about you. I know you, Min Yoongi, you will trap yourself around Jimin until you think he will be alright on his own.”

Jimin feels like he is going to throw up. 

 A burden.

………….

It has been 7 days.

7 days that Jimin hasn’t talked to him. 

Well, that’s what he is thinking now until he sees a sleepy Jimin entering the kitchen. 

“ Good morning, hyung.” He says with almost closed eyes and messy hair. “ Did you prepare coffee?” 

Yoongi stops what he is doing, shocked. It’s 6 am, and Jimin is talking to him, looking so cute in his pink sweater and showing his bare, beautiful legs… 

Beautiful legs? Where the fuck did that come from? 

“ Hyung?”

“ O-oh, yes. Would you like sugar on it?” He hopes Jimin can’t see him blushing. 

“ Three spoons, please.” Jimin sits on the table in the dining room, wishing he could sleep more, just a little bit more…

“ Jesus, you are going to be diabetic if you keep eating sugar like this.” 

“ Diabolic?” He murmurs. Maybe he can sleep here, just more 5 minutes…

“ D.i.a.b.e.t.i.c. Here, your coffee,” Yoongi puts the cup in front of his face. “ be careful, it’s hot. Do you want some pancakes?” 

“ What’s the flavor of the cake?” 

“ Pancakes, Jimin-ah.”  Yoongi almost giggles, finding this situation so endearing that he can’t help but smile.

“ Oh, it’s a shame, I like cakes, especially chocolate cake.” 

“ You like chocolate very much.” 

“ Who doesn’t?” He takes a sip of his coffee. It’s so good, Yoongi knows how to prepare a good coffee. 

“ I don’t.” 

“ That’s it, get out of my house.” 

Jimin can’t help but laugh, Yoongi laughing too. It’s difficult to imagine that Yoongi is trapped here because of him, it’s difficult to imagine this when Yoongi smiles at him with his gums showing, it’s difficult to imagine when Yoongi sits by his side, still laughing, and takes a sip of his coffee. It’s difficult to imagine when everything feels so cozy, so warm, with just the two of them and the sun rising while the cold wind is coming through the window. 

Jimin takes a deep and calming breath, breathing like it’s the first time in months. 

I wish I could live like this every single day, even if it’s a lie.

“ So, why are you up so early, angel?”

“ I promised Hobi hyung that I would come back to work. I used to teach dancing at Hobi’s studio… ” 

“ Wow, that’s amazing! I didn’t know you dance.” I wish I could see it one day, but he doesn’t say it. 

“ Yeah, I have danced since I was a little kid, but my parents don’t know, they would disapprove. The first time I danced for someone it was for Taehyung.” He takes a deep breath, suddenly feeling naked. “ H-he liked it very much and encouraged me to take a few lessons, that’s how I met Hobi, he used to be my teacher here in Seoul.” 

Jimin doesn’t know why he is feeling the need to talk about himself, maybe he wishes that by learning a little bit more about him, Yoongi might like him. 

 You are a burden.

You will lose him.

“ Hoseok once tried to teach me how to dance, but as you must know I was a horrible student, I don’t know how to dance. It was the first time we fought for real, by the way,  I got so pissed because I couldn’t do anything right.”  Yoongi smiles at the memory. “ That’s why I’m an architect and Hoseok is the dancer.” 

“ You are an architect?” How Jimin didn’t know this?

“ Yeah, but the love of my life will always be music. When I was a kid, my dream was to be a rapper.” Yoongi giggles and shakes his head to himself, like he couldn’t believe his younger self. “ My parents wanted me to get a real job, so I chose architecture. I’m just starting, so my job doesn’t really pay well yet.” He shrugs. “ Architecture is not my love, but at least I like it.” 

It’s like Jimin is seeing Yoongi for the first time. 

He loves music. 

He wanted to be a rapper. 

He is an architect.

He loves his dog so much.

He likes black coffee. 

He doesn’t like chocolate very much.

He has the most adorable gummy smile Jimin has ever seen. 

Jimin wants more. Jimin wants to show himself for him too, even if he isn’t as pretty as Yoongi. 

He doesn’t want to be a burden.

“ Do you know how to play something ?” 

“ I know how to play piano and guitar.” 

“ Wooow, hyung.” Jimin suddenly blushes, his fingers playing with the handle of the cup. “ Would you…would you play for me one day?”

Yoongi can’t shake off the feeling that this is more about something than about playing the piano for Jimin. It’s in the way he blushed, in the way he isn’t looking him in the eyes. 

I would even write a song for you, angel. 

Oh my God, when did I get so cheesy? 

“  Of course, angel, anything you want.” 

They remain in silence, drinking from their cups, drinking from this sweet moment. 

He sees Jimin’s little smile on the corner of his mouth. Yoongi can’t help but smile too.

………..

Just does like Yoongi taught you.

Inhale. 

   Exhale.

Inhale.

  Exhale. 

Inhale. 

  Exhale. 

Jimin’s right hand tightens around the doorknob of Hobi’s studio, all the peace he found this morning simply went away. He is feeling anxious again. 

He can’t do this, he isn’t ready. 

Jimin shouldn’t be here, it’s wrong. When Hobi begged him to come back, Jimin just said “yes” because he didn’t want to be…useless, a shame. He couldn’t be a good friend, he couldn’t be straight, he couldn’t do anything right, but he could dance. 

Jimin loved - loves - dancing, he is good at it, so why not try it again? 

At least I can have this, he thought when Hobi offered.

The only thing he can do right.

“ Aren’t you going to get in?” A strange voice says behind him. 

Jimin turns around and meets a boy. A beautiful boy with blonde hair and green eyes. 

“ S-sorry.” 

“ That’s okay.” He smiles friendly. “ Are you lost or something? I can help you.” 

“ No…I work here.” It’s strange to say it. Jimin hasn’t been here for so long, he can’t even recognize himself from the Jimin that worked here.

That Jimin had a purpose in life. Taehyung was his purpose, his work was his purpose. 

Now he has nothing. 

The stranger’s smile gets bigger. The boy looks at him, at his body, his tights and his lips. Jimins feels exposed, he wants the stranger to stop looking at him like he is a piece of meat. 

“ Oh, that’s good, very good. Are you going to be my teacher or…?” 

“ I-I don’t know.” 

I hope not.

“ And what’s your name, gorgeous boy?” He gets closer, and Jimin can smell his unpleasant perfume. 

“ Jimin.” 

  Please, go away. 

“ My name is Ian, nice to meet you.” The boy - Ian - offers his hand. 

He looks at it. Jimin doesn’t like its shape, it’s not beautiful, and it doesn’t look like can make music, play the piano, or make good coffee.  He realizes that he doesn’t want to touch it because this hand is nothing like Yoongi’s hands, it isn't beautiful and strong with the perfect shape to hold Jimin’s. 

“ Jimin-ah!” Hobi appears on the sidewalk, smiling big and shiny at him. “ I’m so happy that you are here! Come on, let’s get inside, it’s fucking cold outside. Oh, hi, Ian. I guess you have met our international student, Jimin-ah, Ian is from Australia. ” 

“ Hi, Hoseok-ssi.” He bows. “ Is Jimin-ssi going to be our new teacher?”  

“ I hope so. Are you going to, Jimin?” The look on his face is so hopeful, Jimin doesn’t want to let him down. 

He needs to be good. 

“ If you want me to…” 

“ Of course I want it! Oh, Jimin-ah, I missed you so much.” Hobi hugs him tightly when they enter the studio.

Jimin just smiles, relief floating on his body when Ian goes away, probably going to his class. 

“ I will show you your class and your schedule. Come on, let’s meet your students.” 

…….

The choreography Hobi was teaching his students wasn’t very difficult, so Jimin learned quickly and started his class. There is more students than before so he felt a little bit shy, but the class went smoothly, and the students welcomed him with open arms. 

It’s almost the end of the class, and Jimin feels like dying, his body is aching everywhere. He won’t admit it to himself, but he is feeling proud. Proud that he did this, that he got out of bed, talked to Yoongi, went to Hobi’s studio and taught dancing. And his body is aching in a good way. 

 “ That’s it, guys! Thank you for welcoming me as your new teacher, I will try to do my best, see you next week.” 

Some people come closer to greet him, and others just walk away, smiling slightly and saying “ goodbye, Jimin-ssi”. He can’t shake the feeling that he wants to go home, to maybe make something delicious for dinner for him and Yoongi. Jimin feels something light on his chest when he remembers his conversation with Yoongi this morning and Yoongi’s grumpy and sleepy face when he entered the kitchen. 

The way Yoongi smiled at him when he saw Jimin. 

Does he wake up every day looking that cute?

“ Have you ever taught before? The way your body moves it’s amazing, I couldn’t stop looking.”

I know, I saw it.

Every time Jimin looked at Ian, Ian was looking at him. And sometimes he did something wrong on purpose just to feel Jimin’s hands on him. 

Ian gets behind him, looking at Jimin through the big mirror on the wall. He is too close to Jimin’s back. 

“ Oh, thank you. I-I used to teach here, so it’s nothing new.” 

“ Well, I wish I was here before.” 

“ W-Why?” 

But Ian says nothing, he just smirks at Jimin like it was the answer he wanted to receive. 

“ Would you like to get a few drinks with me?” 

“ Are you always this confident?” 

“ It’s not every day that I meet someone as beautiful as you. I thought I could give it a try. “

Jimin is speechless. Nobody ever flirted with him so…shamelessly.

“ Ian, I-” 

Then Jimin hears Tae’s voice. 

He freezes on the spot. 

It’s like Jimin is hearing it for the first time. He forgot how deep Tae’s voice was, he forgot how easily he gets goosebumps. 

No, no, no. He can’t see him. 

Jimin needs to get out of here. 

At the speed of light, Jimin gets his things and leaves Ian alone. When he opens the door, he sees Taehyung talking with Hobi, smiling and laughing at something Hobi said. 

He is so beautiful it hurts.

I miss him.

I wish I could go to him and hug him.

TaeTae, I’m so sorry.

A burden. A shame. A faggot.

Useless. Selfish. 

“ Jimin?” Tae’s smile dies the second he sees Jimin.

“ Iwillseeyoutomorrowhobihyungbye.” 

“ Chim, wait!” Taehyung screams but it’s too late. 

……..

When he gets home, Jimin sees something he thought he never would. Yoongi is dancing. Actually, Yoongi is swinging his hips while preparing dinner in the kitchen. 

There’s pop music playing from his cell phone and Yoongi is singing it. 

Jimin doesn’t know what to do, so he just says there, looking at him. A long time ago, Jimin used to do this, he used to be happy like this, and then Taehyung would join him. They would laugh and dance all night. 

“ Jimin! Will you dance with me?” But now it’s not Tae who invites him, it’s Yoongi. 

“ No, hyung, I’m disgusting, I’m sweaty.” 

Don’t look at me, I don’t want you to see me like this.

“ Oh, come on, angel, dance with me.” Yoongi gets closer to him and grabs his hands. 

When Jimin feels his hand on him, it’s like something changes because these are the right hands, the perfect shape. This is right, at least for now, Jimin can pretend.  And just like that they start to dance, something that looks like a waltz but it’s not it exactly. Jimin giggles when Yoongi stumbles on his feet and Yoongi's smile is so big, so happy that Jimin thinks that if he dies now, he would die seeing the most beautiful thing. 

When Yoongi tries to spin him, Jimin loses all his control, and he laughs so hard that his belly starts to ache. It’s like he is high, Yoongi is making him feel like this. 

Nothing matters now. Just this moment matters. 

Just Yoongi’s hands on his waist matter. 

“ I thought you didn’t like to dance.” 

“ Well, I like to dance with you.” 

So they dance more, stumbling on their feet, laughing and making horrible moves. They probably look silly, but Jimin has never been so happy. 

Everything is too much. 

Yoongi’s hand on his waist is too much. 

Jimin's hand on Yoongi’s hair is too much. 

Their laughter is too much. 

The music playing is too much. 

But Jimin is too much happy to give a damn. 

He cried all the way to the apartment because seeing Taehyung…was hard. He remembered that he isn’t a good person, that he lost his best friend, the love of his life. Jimin remembered that his parents don’t want him, that he was born wrong - gay - and he can’t change this.  But now, between Yoongi’s arms, Jimin feels like he is good, like life is something that is incredible.

Yoongi is incredible. 

Wait. 

Yoongi is trapped here, right? He…he is just doing this because he feels like Jimin is his responsibility. It’s not real. 

Isn’t his smile real? 

Nobody ever smiled that way at Jimin. He wishes this smile was real, he wishes this smile was for him. 

“ I’m sorry, Yoongi hyung.” Jimin stops dancing, stops touching Yoongi and takes a step back. 

“ What’s wrong, angel? Did I do something wrong?” 

Oh, fuck. Now Yoongi is worried.

“ I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” He is crying again, isn’t he? 

The look on Yoongi’s face makes him feel like shit. Yoongi is worried, Yoongi is sad. Someone like him deserves someone better, someone that will not make him sad like Jimin always does.

“ Sorry.” Jimin whispers and goes to his bedroom. 

When he closes his door, he goes to his bed and cries until he falls asleep. Jimin is so tired of this

The chocolate cake he made for Jimin was forgotten on the dining table. 

Chapter Text

“You wanna hurt yourself, I'll stay with you

You wanna make yourself go through the pain

It's better to be held than holding on, no, woah

...

We're in the rain

In this falling rain

I fill the scattered you

So I could see how beautiful you are

No, woah, we're in the rain.”

She’s in the rain- The Rose

…..

" I miss him, Kookie."

" I know, babe."

There are sitting on the couch, and Yeontan, their dog, lying between them. Taehyung saw Jimin yesterday, and, fuck, he didn’t like Jimin’s face, how thin he was and how sad he looked. He misses him, he misses him so fucking much. God, he was so stupid, their fight was ridiculous. Tae wants to talk to him, he really does, but he doesn’t know how. 

Stupid.

" So skinny.  Kookie, he was so skinny.” Jungkook looks at his boyfriend's face and sees the tears. He can't stand to see him crying. And, truth be told, he misses Jimin on the same level.

There was a time, a long time ago, when Jimin was his best friend. They met in college, and when they discovered that they both were from Busan, Jungkook and Jimin became friends, best friends. But Jungkook started dating Tae and…well, it was never like before. 

“ Is he…is he not eating enough again?” 

“ I don’t know, probably not. He-” Tae sniffs. “ never eats well when sad. Fuck, Kookie, it’s my fault, isn’t it?”

" Babe, this isn't your fault." 

" Yeah, it's my fucking fault. He loves me, Kookie, Jimin said it to me and…I was such a jerk, oh, my God." Tae sobs.  " H-he lost his virginity and I wasn't there for him. Jimin said he loved me, and what I did? I mocked him because I was hurt. I'm a h-horrible person, I don't deserve him. And now he is suffering because of me and I can't do shit."

Jungkook doesn't know what to do, Taehyung is a mess between his arms. Since the day Tae moved out from his and Jimin's apartment, he hasn't been the same. Jungkook can't say Tae is miserable, but…it's like something is missing. Someone is missing.

" We will fix this, babe, I promise you. We will bring Chim back."

………..

Two weeks later the day Jimin saw Taehyung

( Jimin isn’t counting, of course not…)

“ Hyungiee, I miss you, come visit me.” 

I miss you too, every single day I’m missing you, but Yoongi can't say that, can he?

“ I can’t now, Hobah, I’m at work.” Yoongi whispers on his cell phone when his boss passes by him. 

“ Oh, I thought you didn’t have work today.” 

“ I usually don’t, but there is a new client that wanted to work with me, I couldn’t say ‘no’ .” 

“ Well, that’s sad….” Yoongi can almost see him pouting. “ Jimin is here. Hyung, you have no idea how amazing he is, my students are loving him.” 

“ Really?” Yoongi smiles, suddenly feeling lighter. 

After that night they danced in the kitchen, Jimin closed himself. They still talk in the mornings, but Jimin is always…distant. There is a look in his eyes that says he is miles away like he is stuck on something. So knowing Jimin is having fun, knowing Jimin is probably making friends, makes him happy. 

“ I-I can go on my break, I want to see him dancing, but I will have to be quick.” 

“ Yoongi, you are a sap.” 

“ Fuck off.” 

Hobi laughs hard. 

Yoongi missed this too.

“ Wait, you are coming to see him, not me?”

“ Of course, I have known your ugly ass my entire life, I can’t even stand your face anymore.” 

“ You are an evil little thing, you know that?”

“ Little?” He snorts.

“ My little hyungie, you can’t even get things off the bottom shelf of the wardrobe.” 

“ Of course, I can!”

Sometimes, remembering how Hoseok used to smile at him when he couldn’t pick things up from the highest shelves hurts a lot.

“ No, you can’t, you know that.” 

Yoongi is sure Hoseok is fucking smiling right now.

“ Well, my dick is bigger than yours.”

“ Oh, my God, Min Yoongi! How old are you?” 

Sometimes even hearing his voice hurts. 

“ That doesn’t matter. My dick is bigger than yours, you know that.”

There is silence on the other side, and Yoongi takes the time to look around. Thank God he is alone, he doesn’t want his colleagues to hear this kind of conversation.

“ Okay, you won this one.”

“ Thank you very much.” He grins. “I will be there in one hour.” 

“ Okay, bring your big dick with you, oh, hi Mom!” 

“ Who has a big dick, darling?” 

“ Yoongi, and he is coming.” 

Yoongi hits his forehead on the wall.

“ I’m going to kill you.” 

I’m trying to not love you anymore.

Hoseok laughs. 

“ Oh, is he on the phone? Let me talk to him. Hi, my love.”

“ Hi, eomma, how are you?” 

“ The same. Hoseok’s father drives me crazy. If I knew he was going to be this annoying when he got old, I would have married someone else.”

“ Mom!” 

“ It’s the truth, darling. Anyway, I will go home now, Yoongi, but don’t forget to visit us.” 

“ I will try to pass by on the weekend.” 

She didn’t even ask about him. Yoongi smiles. She is always like this, and she reminds him of his mother. He misses her too, but Yoongi doesn’t dare to talk to her yet, he doesn’t know how to say that he… has changed, that he kisses boys now.

Oh, my God, he kisses men now. 

An odd feeling goes through his body when Yoongi remembers what he did two nights ago. Fuck, he wishes he could take that back. 

...

Two nights ago.

Dong-Hae, his colleague from work, doesn’t stop to look at him. 

Their boss invited them to have dinner at a steakhouse to congrats them on their hard work,  so that’s how Yoongi founds himself right now, sitting between his boss and some colleague he forgot the name, and, well, in front of Dong-Hae. He has known Dong-Hae for almost three months, they didn’t talk much with each other, but Yoongi thinks he is probably a good guy. Why he is looking at him so…deeply is a mystery to Yoongi. Maybe Dong-Hae didn’t like his pink tie? Well, whatever, Jimin said he looked handsome, so that’s the only thing that matters. 

Jimin. 

Yoongi takes his cell phone and sends a message to him.

Me: Chicken or steak? 

Jimin doesn’t make him wait for an answer. It’s always like this now, since they spend almost all day apart, they text each other often. This is something new in his life, Yoongi isn’t used to texting other people and isn’t used to receiving silly messages while working and laughing because Jimin sent him a photo of Holly wearing Jimin’s clothes.

 But at home Jimin barely talks to him, just the necessary words.

Angel: ????

Me: To eat, Jimin-ah.

Angel:  Are u paying? 

Me: Yeah, hyung’s treat. 

Angel: I want both. 

Me: greedy

Angel: Well, I’m hungry and u left me alone at home without anything to eat.

He smiles. In the last few days, Jimin just wants to eat the food he prepares. He said Yoongi makes the “ most delicious food in the world and it would be a shame to eat anything else.” Yoongi basically cooks for them almost every single day, and he doesn’t mind at all, especially when he sees Jimin’s full mouth.

Me: Don’t be dramatic, I will be home in two hours. Don’t burn the kitchen trying to make boiled eggs again.

Angel: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. 

Me: Yeah? Tell that to the pan, let’s see if it believes it. 

Angel: The pan said it was an accident. 

Me: Are u talking to the kitchen containers now?

Angel: Yes, Holly doesn’t answer me anymore. 

Me: Go see a psychiatrist. 

“ Yoongi-ssi?” Dong-Hae calls him. “ I’m curious, who are you talking to? You are smiling.” 

“ Oh, I'm just talking to my friend, my roommate.”  

“ Do you live with a man?”

What the fuck?

Everyone at the table is looking at him, waiting for his answer. What the fuck is wrong with people? When did Yoongi’s personal life become an interesting subject? 

“ Come on, Yoongi, we just wanna know you more.” His boss says, putting his hand on his shoulder. “All you do is work, we don’t have a lot of opportunities to get to know you.”

Shit, they are right.

“ I-Yeah, I live with my friend, Jimin.”

When he doesn’t say more, they change the subject and Yoongi is forgotten. But not to Dong-Hae.

“ Are you partners or something?” 

“ Sorry to be rude, Hae-ssi, but I don’t know why you are asking me that, besides, this is very personal to answer.” 

“ Well, you didn’t say ‘no’.” And he starts to eat, changing his attention to his friend next to him like he didn’t just ask if Yoongi is into men. 

What the fuck?

            ...

Almost two hours later, Yoongi doesn’t know how - please, don’t ask him - he ends up with Dong-Hae’s mouth on his. Dong-Hae asked him if he wanted a ride home and, since it was raining, Yoongi accepted it. They talked, and Yoongi found out he was a nice guy, charming and polite, despite his rather nosy question at dinner. And now it’s the part where Yoongi doesn’t know how a conversation led to… Hae’s hand near his dick? Oh, fuck, fuck. 

“ Hae.” Yoongi moans when he feels the hand on his clothed cock. 

It’s raining outside the car, and Yoongi hopes nobody can see them. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. 

“ You smell so nice.” Hae kisses his jaw and behind his ears. 

This is wrong.

It’s the first time Yoongi has been with a man since Hoseok. When Dong-Hae kissed him, the first thought he had was to back away, but…he didn’t feel attracted to any other man despite Hoseok and Jimin. Maybe he wasn’t bisexual? Or was he bisexual to only Hoseok and Jimin? He needed to try. 

Truth be told, he is kind of liking it - the growing on his pants agrees- and Dong-Hae is a good kisser, but something isn’t right.  

Yoongi remembers when it was Hoseok’s mouth that was on his, and how he tasted. 

Stop. 

“ Can I?” Hae asks politely. 

“ Please.” Yoongi moans again when he feels Dong Hae’s hand on his now bare dick. Hae starts to jerk him off, using his precum as a lube. “ Oh, fuck.” 

“ So sensitive, honey.” Hae kisses him messily, moaning in his mouth when Yoongi bites his lower lip

Jimin’s moans were so beautiful, it was a like a song Yoongi wouldn’t mind hearing again. His hand’s on him were so delicate, he touched Yoongi with such care and shyness despite being desperate to have Yoongi touching him back. 

“ Faster, Hae, do it faster.” 

“Bossy.” 

When Hae speeds up the pace, Yoongi remembers how pliant Jimin was when they had sex, how he was begging him to do it faster, harder…

Stop. Stop. Stop

This isn’t right, he can’t think about Jimin in that way, they are friends, and they live together for god’s sake. It doesn’t matter that Jimin has the most kissable lips Yoongi has ever seen, it doesn’t matter that his heart fills with happiness when Jimin smiles, it doesn’t matter that he is gorgeous in every single way. 

It doesn’t matter Yoongi wishes he was with Jimin now, who is probably sitting on the couch with Holly and waiting for him.

Wrong.

“ Sorry, Hae, I can’t do this.” He pushes Hae gently, trying to make him stop. “ I-I shouldn’t be doing this, you are a good guy, and-” 

“ That’s fine, Yoongi.” Hae tries to smile at him. His hair is a mess and his lips are swollen and red just like his cheeks. Hae is good-looking, Yoongi realizes. “ I’m sorry if I did something wrong. 

“ No, you did nothing, believe me, I’m just- I’m not ready to do something like this.” 

“ I understand.” 

It’s awkward, so, so awkward. 

“ I’m going.” He adjusts his pants. “ Thank you for the ride, and I’m sorry.” 

“ Nothing to be sorry for, shit like this happens. See you at work.” 

“ See you.” 

When he goes to work the next day, Dong-Hae barely looks at him, making Yoongi feel like shit. After yesterday, he couldn't even be near Jimin, ashamed of his own thoughts.

It is the first time he feels ashamed of his new sexuality.

........

Since his students haven’t arrived yet, Jimin takes advantage of this extra time to just dance without a planned choreography. He is trying to do contemporary dance today, although his body is too stiff to make some moves that need a little bit more articulation. After warming up, he starts to dance, moving his soul along his body until he can’t feel the pain anymore. 

Until he can’t feel anything at all.

The song he chose plays over and over again in the room. Jimin moves his body like he is mad at the world, mad at himself, his moves are fast, controlled and according to the beat. He bends his torso, spins on one leg, he does everything his heart is telling him to do despite the pain. 

🎵

I'll gladly hop on

Now yeah, now yeah

Fly away, butterfly-y-y

Finally free

Look at me now

I won't stop, even if they mock me

Going insane to stay sane

Raise your hands for the past me.🎵

Jimin spins again and again. He simply gets lost in himself.

His foot hurts, but he ignores it. 

He is crying, but he ignores it. Jimin just keeps going.

🎵

…Now, set me free-e-e (Set me free, set me free)

Set me free-e-e (Set me, free)

Set me free-e-e (Set me free, set me free)

Set me free-e-e (Won't you set me free)

Set me free-e-e (Yeah)

(Oh-eh-oh, oh-eh-oh) Set me free-e-e

(Oh-eh-oh, oh-eh-oh) Set me free-e-e

(Oh-eh-oh, oh-eh-oh) Set me free-e-e (Free, free)

(Oh-eh-oh, oh-eh-oh) Set me free-e-e

(Won't you set me free ) 🎵

Oh, he is feeling so much pain.

Spin, bend, spin, dance

                            dance

                            dance

                            dance

                            dance

never stops dancing.

He should have never stopped.

When the music stops playing, Jimin can hardly breathe. His sweat is dripping on the floor, his heart is beating like it is in his ears, his body is shaking and the big toe on his right foot is bleeding. But he doesn’t care, he is alive. Jimin laughs and then takes a look at himself in the mirror, seeing Yoongi’s wide eyes looking at him, crying a little.

“ H-hyung?” 

Yoongi arrives 50 minutes after talking with Hoseok on the cell phone. He expected to find Hoseok at the reception as always and be greeted by his shiny smile, but there was no one there. When Yoongi hears music he recognizes coming from the nearest door, he can’t help but take a look at who is dancing. What he didn’t expect was to find Jimin. 

Jimin is dancing like his body was made of water, wind and fire.  Dancing like he and music was one.

He carefully opens the door and gets inside, looking at him from the back of the room.

Oh my fucking God. Lord, help me. 

This…this is the most heartbreaking dancing he has ever seen. Standing there, watching Jimin swimming in his pain, Yoongi wonders what Jimin looked like before, what he would be dancing now if life were a little bit more gentle with him.

“ Oh, Jimin.” He whispers. Yoongi doesn’t know when he started crying, but he let the tears dance free. 

Jimin is crying too, but he never stops.

Never.

His dance changes from sadness to angriness several times, and his emotions are all over the place. Yoongi can feel it, he sees it, and it’s too much.

“ H-hyung?” Jimin looks at him from the mirror, sweaty and…different, like somehow he could have set himself free.

He is like a butterfly in metamorphosis .

“I'm..I…" Fuck. " Jimin, I-I’m sorry, didn’t want to intrude.” 

Jimin blushes, Jimin fucking blushes when he asks in a low voice.“ Did you like it?”

“ Are you kidding me? This was the most emotional thing I have ever seen. You are incredible, angel.” 

“Yeah?” Jimin says looking at the floor, so shy he can’t even look at Yoongi. 

“ Of course, angel.” He smiles. “ Do you want to eat ice cream when your classes are over? I can pass by to pick you up.” He suddenly sees himself saying, feeling the need to make Jimin smile.

“ Chocolate ice cream?” 

Yoongi giggles. “ Yup.”

Jimin smiles back. And it’s happy, it’s warm.

It’s beautiful, just like him. 

“ Hyung, do you want…to watch my class?”

“ You want me to?” 

Why did I sound so desperate?

Fuck his work, if Jimin wants him to stay more, he will do it happily, besides, he wants to see him dancing more, see Jimin happy doing something he obviously loves. Yoongi wants to see it, wants to know every little detail about Jimin and what makes him happy, he wants to be by his side, and he wants to dance with him. 

Yoongi wants so many things.

“ Yes.”

“ So I will stay, angel, as long as you want me.” 

And without even knowing, Yoongi made a promise.

“ Okay, I will just take a shower, my students will arrive soon.” 

“ I will wait here.”

“ I can call Hobi hyung for you. You came here to see him, right?” Why does he sound a little bit disappointed?

“ Actually, I-” 

But someone entering the room stops Yoongi from saying that he is there for him.

“ Jimin-ssi!” Ian exclaims. He gets closer and kisses Jimin’s cheek.

What the hell was that? Who is he?

“ Ian, what are you doing here so early? Your class is in an hour.” 

Why is Jimin blushing?

“ I thought I could come early so you could teach me that move I couldn’t do last class. Hey, hi, my name is Ian, I’m Jimin’s favorite student.” He offers his hand for Yoongi to shake. 

Yoongi doesn’t like him. 

“ My name is Yoongi.” He doesn’t shake his hand. “ Jimin’s friend.” 

“ Can I ask what kind of friend?” 

“ No.” 

“ Alright, dude, don’t need to be rude.” 

Rude? Me? You were the one asking about personal matters. Why is he so close to Jimin? Who the hell is he? Jimin’s friend?

“ You-” 

“ Yoongi,” Jimin interrupts him, seeing Yoongi is getting pissed. The older one is pouting - and it’s fucking cute-. Jimin discovered three things about Yoongi when he is mad: he crosses his arms, he frowns and then he pouts. This is exactly what he is doing now.  “ I’m going to take a shower, but I will be right back. Wait for me?” 

Jimin wants Yoongi to wait for him. Jimin wants to be with him.

“ Yes, angel.” He smiles, his face going soft. 

“ Thank you, hyung.” 

When Jimin leaves, is just him and Ian. He never disliked someone this quickly. Yoongi doesn’t like his face, doesn’t like his voice, doesn’t like his attitude, doesn’t like how close he positioned himself next to Jimin. 

“ Just to let you know, I’m into him, so if you are trying something, my advice is to you try harder,” Ian says while stretching. “ I don’t mind a little bit of competition” 

“ What the fuck are you talking about?” Yoongi never tried so much to not lose his patience.  

“ Jimin.” 

Yoongi rolls his eyes. “ Alright, listen to me carefully. He is my f riend, and if you make him sad in any way, touch him when he doesn't ask or any shit like that, I will beat your ass, understand me, kid ?” 

He remembers him now. One night while dinner, Jimin complained about a student that was too touchy with him, and Yoongi asked if he wanted to do something about it, but Jimin said “ no”, that it wasn't something that was making him uncomfortable but sometimes it was just too much.

“ Maybe he is like this with everybody.” Jimin said, shrugging. 

Well, now Yoongi knows the truth. He will talk to Hoseok.

Jimin arrives feeling more like himself than in these last two years. He is happy that Yoongi saw his dancing, Jimin was dying to know if Yoongi would like it, he wanted to show him this part of himself but he didn’t know how to ask him to see it. And he is here, and he said Jimin was incredible. 

Incredible, not a burden. 

“ Hi, guys!” He welcomes his students that have already arrived and smiles when he sees Yoongi looking at him, smiling too. 

I like the way you look at me.

          …

Yoongi can't miss this opportunity. He picks up his cell phone from his pocket, mirrors the camera and takes a photo, wanting to use this to tease him later.

" Hyung, come on, order yours." Jimin says, licking the ice cream from his lips.

He looks like a happy child.

" Oh, my God, this is sooooo good." 

" Really? I couldn't tell from the way you are eating it like a baby, look, you have just dirtied your shirt." 

" Oh, crap." Jimin tries to clean it, but it gets worse. 

" The baby needs help to clean it?"

" Fuck you."

 Laughing, Yoongi can’t decide which flavor he would like to eat. 

Hoseok likes strawberry ice cream, he remembers, but choosing it doesn’t seem right, Yoongi needs to choose something he likes, although he isn’t a person into sweets things. 

Jimin is a sweet person, but Yoongi won’t open that door. 

“ Jimin-ah, I don’t know what to choose.”

“ I can’t choose for you, hyung. Let your heart guide you.” Jimin almost sings.

Yoongi snorts, bringing back his attention to all the options he has. He eliminates all the options he can’t even see himself eating, so, in the end, there are only three options: chocolate, strawberry, and tangerine.

“ Why are you taking so long, hyung? It’s just ice cream.” 

“ It isn’t just ice cream, it’s my first time eating it since I was, I don’t know, six years old?” 

“ What? You are basically a virgin on the ice cream land.” 

“ You’ve just created that, and you know very well I’m not a virgin.” He says without giving a mind to it, looking back at the flavors in front of him, so he doesn’t see when Jimin almost chokes on his ice cream. 

Jimin tries, he really, really, tries to not think about that night, but sometimes he can’t help, especially the times Yoongi touches him in some way or another. Last week, Yoongi came behind him in the kitchen when he was washing the dishes, trapping Jimin’s body between him and the sink when he tried to grab something from the cupboard over Jimin’s head. Jimin had fucking goosebumps all over his body. 

He gets goosebumps every time he thinks about it, actually. 

“ I will try chocolate.” 

Chocolate. 

Yoongi chooses chocolate.

“ This one” He points at the glass. “ looks delicious, it’s Belgian chocolate.” 

It’s Jimin’s favorite. 

“ You said you don’t like chocolate.”

“ Yeah, but, I don’t know, it just seemed right to try it.” 

The lady gives Yoongi his ice cream and they go to sit next to the windows. They eat in silence, and that’s okay, sometimes things between him and Yoongi are quiet, just enjoying each other's company. Jimin likes this, he likes this safe silence, the absence of the need to say something, to be something. He is so distracted in his thoughts that he doesn’t see when he kicks Yoongi’s legs under the table. 

“ Hey, you kicked me.” Yoongi kicks him. 

“ No, I didn’t.” Jimin kicks back. 

“ Yes, you did, and you kicked me again, stop that.” When Yoongi kicks him again, Jimin kicks in on his ankle. And like the two adults they obviously aren’t, Jimin and Yoongi start a fight under the table. 

“ My shoes were clean, you will wash them today.” Jimin says, kicking him on his knee.

“ Ouch, don’t kick my knee, that fucking hurts.”

“ You almost kicked my balls!” Jimin exclaims. 

“ No, I didn’t!”

“ Sirs,” The attendant says. “ could you please stop kicking each other under the table? It’s disturbing the clients.”

“ Sorry.” They say at the same time, looking at each other and trying to contain the laugh.

Jimin realizes that if he could spend the rest of his life next to Yoongi, his days would be filled with laughter, ice cream and silly jokes. What a way of living, right? 

It's a shame he doesn't deserve it. Jimin will enjoy it until it lasts.

……………

“ Thank you, guys, for the class, have a nice weekend.” Jimin bowls to his students. When he starts to get his things, Eun-ji, one of his favorite students, gets closer to him, looking shy. Her friends are behind her, smiling and laughing at their friend's shyness. There are teasing her non-stop since Eun-ji confessed she had a crush on Jimin.

“ Jimin-ssi, w-would you like to go dancing with me?” 

“ What?” He exclaims, shocked. 

Seeing the look on Jimin’s face, she is quick to correct herself. “ With us! Me, the girls and the other students are going to a club not far away from here. Would you like to go with us?”

“ Oh, I-” Yoongi is waiting for me at home.  

“ Come on, Jimin!” Ian suddenly appears by his side. “ It will be fun, you never went out with us before.” 

“ Yeah,” Eun-ji gets excited. “ it will be so fun, we can have some drinks and dance all night.” 

“ I don’t know, guys…” 

“ We will pay, after all, you are our best teacher, don’t you agree with me, guys?”

Everyone is so excited that Jimin can’t say “no”, so he quickly writes a message to Yoongi saying he will go out with them. 

Grumpy cat: Alright, have fun ;)

Grumpy cat: Me and Holly will be waiting for you

Me: Holly is so cute

Grumpy cat: Am I not cute too? ;(

Me: no

" Let's go!" Someone shouts. They are all so excited, Jimin tries to feel this excitement too. He puts his cell phone in his pocket and picks up his things, trying to get in the right mindset.

He still misses Taehyung, he still cries at night, his parents still don't talk to him, but every time he comes back home, Yoongi is there, cooking for them, singing something, and Holly is always there to make him company when he sits on the couch. He doesn't know when life became that simple, he doesn't know the last time he thought living may be worthy. 

Jimin is still a burden, but sometimes Yoongi makes him feel like he isn’t and Jimin drinks that lie like a starving man. Although he is trying to keep his distance from Yoongi to not lose him, sometimes he can’t contain himself, there is an impulse to be near Yoongi he can’t explain.

They leave the studio between the girl's giggles and the boy's laugh. Jimin is so young, he remembers himself, and everyone around him is young too, but he never felt that way. Maybe during the time he and Tae lived together, he felt that way, but…he can't even remember what it was like to feel young and free, not without thinking that he was wrong, that he wasn't allowed to feel that way. His parents wouldn't like it.

Tonight will be different. Tonight he will allow himself to just be.

 Be whatever he wants.

The moment he steps into the club, Jimin may regret a little to accept the invite. The music is fucking loud and his headache is getting worse.

" Let me buy a drink for you." Ian quickly grabs him by the arm and guides him to the bar. He doesn’t want anyone to steal Jimin from him tonight. " What would you like to drink?"

Jimin says the first thing that crosses his mind. “ Whiskey.”

“ Very well, then. Whiskey and beer, please.” Ian asks the bartender.

Yoongi likes whiskey, he always has a dose before bed because it helps him to sleep, Jimin learned. Sometimes he smells like whiskey and perfume, and Jimin loves it.

They grab their drinks and go near the dance floor, looking for the girls and boys. 

“ Let’s dance?” Ian screams to be heard. 

“ I don’t know, Ian.” He hesitates, all the feelings about ‘being whatever he wants’ suddenly go away. Maybe he is old like Yoongi, who prefers pubs for old people than the dance floor. “ I think I will just stay here and drink a little, you can go.” 

“ I will not leave you alone, come on, let’s sit.” 

“ Are you sure?” Ian looked very excited to dance, Jimin could see how his body was moving slightly according to the beat. 

“ Of course, come on.” 

So they sit near the bar to talk, and Jimin learns that Ian was raised by his grandpa, that he has been living in Korea for almost 3 years now and that his last boyfriend cheated on him. Jimin is so focused on the things Ian is saying that he doesn’t realize that his glass was never empty,  that Ian kept filling it with more whiskey while Jimin kept drinking it. 

Faster than Ian imagined, Jimin starts to laugh and giggle more, talking more loudly and happily. Jimin is feeling so fucking happy…and weird. It’s like this happiness wasn’t meant for him, his stomach is churning, but he doesn’t care, he wants to dance. 

Yoongi told him to have fun, so he will.

He doesn’t need Taehyung. He doesn’t need his parent’s approval and love. He doesn’t need anything. He just needs this excitement and the music.

“ Ian! Let’s dance!” Jimin screams. “ I wanna dance aaaalll night.” He drags Ian to the dance floor.

And that’s when he gets lost on himself.

He dances with multiple partners without even looking at their faces, he drinks more from the drinks his students keep offering him. Sometimes he feels hands in his body, but he doesn’t care, Jimin will make this night a good night, the best he has ever had. He would rather be lost in the lights and out of his mind than crying in his bedroom.

Numb the pain. 

    Numb the pain.

Numb the pain.

The music is loud, his body is sweating, and he feels drunk and high. Maybe this is enough, maybe it’s not. Stumbling, he goes to the bar to drink more.

He is liking this side of himself, the other him the drinking brought out. This Jimin is happy. This Jimin doesn’t cry until he falls asleep. This Jimin doesn’t love Taehyung. This Jimin isn’t a burden to Yoongi. This Jimin laughs, dances and talks with strangers. 

“ Come on, pretty, you have drunk enough, don’t you think?” Ian says close to his ear, grabbing him by his waist. 

“ I want more.” He pouts. 

“ Let’s dance with me, Jimin, you said you would dance with me all night.” 

If Jimin wasn’t so drunk, he would have noticed the way Ian’s hands are on his body and how he looks at him, he would have noticed that something is wrong.

They dance close to each other, and the hands around his waist hold him tight. Jimin doesn’t like it, but he can’t bring himself to say something, so he closes his eyes and let the music guide him. Suddenly, he feels hands grabbing him by the butt, keeping him close to…close to who? Oh, close to Ian. 

“ Ian.” He murmurs, uncomfortable. 

“ What’s up, pretty? Don’t you like it? I’m so hard for you, Jimin.” Ian puts his hands under Jimin’s shirt. “ You are rubbing yourself on my cock all night.” 

“ No.” Jimin tries to get out of his hold, but his drunk arms don’t have the strength. 

“ Do you want to get out of here? We can have fun in the restroom.” Jimin can’t say ‘no’, he isn’t fully aware of what’s happening, he just knows Ian is guiding him somewhere and that he is not feeling okay.

There is a door closing somewhere behind him, and, 2 seconds later, there is a mouth on his neck, kissing him without mercy, hurting him when biting his neck.

“ S-stop.”

“ Oh, Jimin, I have wanted you for so long. You have no idea the things I wanna do to you.”

“ Ian?” 

Is this Ian? Where am I? I don’t like this, I want this to stop.

“ Yes, pretty.” Ian kisses him on the mouth, he tries to get his tongue inside, but Jimin doesn’t allow him. 

“ Ian, please.” He almost cries. “ I-I don’t wanna.”

The other man ignores him, pressing Jimin's body against the cold wall, pressing his dick near Jimin's belly.

Yoongi...where are you?

“ Ian, please, d-don’t do this.” Jimin begs. 

“ Oh, now you don’t want me? You almost begged me all night to fuck you, flirting with me and all that shit.” 

“ N-no, I-” He can’t even talk. “ I just wanted to dance.” The room is spinning. Is he going to pass out?

“ So that’s your game? Such a whore for attention.” 

Jimin has seen that before.

"Damn, I don't even like girls like you. You are such a whore for affection, always desperate to have someone by your side. What's your problem? Have some self-love, girl." 

A whore. Jimin doesn’t want to be a whore, he is already a burden and a faggot, why does he have to be a whore too? It’s not fair. 

“ Now you are crying? Stop being a manipulative bitch.”

" Don't do this to me, please, p-please.” He begs him. 

Jimin realizes he is on Ian’s mercy. If the man wants to do anything to him, he can and no one will see it, Jimin can’t even go away without feeling like he is going to pass out.

He wants to vomit. 

He wants Ian to let him go. 

He wants to sit on the couch and watch movies with Yoongi.

He wants to go home.

“ Stop crying, someone will hear you.” Ian slaps him on the face. “ Such a crying baby, Jimin-ah.” He laughs.

His father slapped him once.

Faggot.

  Burden.

    Whore. 

      Bitch. 

“ Listen to me, Jimin-ssi, “ Ian grabs his chin with force and Jimin sobs.“ You will let me have fun with you, you owe me this after all you did during the classes, always touching me, always teasing me with your tight clothes. So, we will have a little bit of fun, then I will let you go, okay?” When Ian touches his dick, Jimin desperately tries to get that dirty hands out of him. 

Yoongi.

Yoongi.

Yoongi never touches me in this way. Stop.

“ Ian, stop this.” Someone says behind them. “ You are fucking drunk, let him go.” 

Suddenly, Ian isn’t on him anymore, there is just his face burning and the tears flowing down. 

“ What the fuck you did to him? Jimin-ssi, are you alright?” 

He doesn’t know who is talking to him, he doesn’t care. “ I will go home.” Sobbing and stumbling on his feet, he gets out of the restroom, ignoring the person behind him and screaming for him to wait. 

The lights of the club hurt his eyes, and the music hurts his head. Jimin can’t be here, he needs to go away. He calls him, the only cell phone number he remembers like it was his.

“ Hello? Jimin?”

“ Hyung, please.” Jimin sobs on his cell phone. He can still feel that dirty hands on his body.

“ Jimin, what happened?”

“ He t-touched m-me. I don’t w-wanna be here anymore, take… m-me h-home.” 

“ Jimin, where are you?”  He can hear Yoongi running in the apartment, grabbing his things. “ Angel, please, where are you? I need an address.”

“ I don’t know.” His headache is going to kill him. “ I-Im…near the studio. It’s orange, like the tangerines you love to eat.”

“ Fuck, you are drunk. Okay, wait for me, angel, I’m coming.” 

Yoongi never ran so fast in his whole life, and due to the fact he isn’t the most athletic person, he ran very, very fast.  After calling Hoseok to ask where exactly is the “ orange club” near his studio, he ran to the bus stop, taking the first one that would pass near the street he wanted. It wasn’t even 20 minutes later when the rain started to fall, it wasn’t even 20 minutes later that he found Jimin sitting on the sidewalk, letting the rain fall on his body.

It was the saddest image he has ever seen. 

Yoongi felt his feet glued on the asphalt. Jimin is just a little figure, curled like a ball, inside the big storm happening around them. Yoongi can’t see if he is crying or not, Jimin is looking down but his breathing is heavy. 

It’s cold. Why isn’t he inside?

“ Hyung,” Jimin said one day when they were watching the rain falling on the balcony, drinking their coffees. “ I wish I could vanish with the rain.” 

“ What do you mean, angel?” 

He just shrugs. “ I don’t know, sometimes I think I will die when it’s raining.” 

“ Jesus, Jimin-ah, it’s not good to think about that kind of thing.”

“ I can’t help.” Then he was silent, observing the rain. “ Hyung.” 

“ Yes, angel.” 

“ If I were in the rain, would you stay with me?”

Yoongi looks at his face, trying to understand what he is talking about. He can’t understand and Jimin sees it.

“ I’m sorry to ask you that.” 

“ No-it’s just… If you were in the rain, I would stay with you.” 

“ Really?” Something shines in his eyes, but Yoongi can’t say exactly what it is.

“ I won’t leave you alone.” 

“ I don’t want to bring you down the rain if me.”

“ You won’t. And I don’t care if my clothes get a little bit wet, we can always come back home to dry them.”

“ Thank you.”

So when he sees Jimin getting all wet, alone on the sidewalk, Yoongi goes to sit next to him.

Together.

For a few minutes, there is just the silence of the rain falling down, Jimin hasn’t looked at him yet. 

“ I don’t wanna.” Jimin whispers.

“ What did you say, angel?” His voice comes out hoarse. Well, maybe Yoongi is going to get sick.

“ Hyung?” Jimin looks at him, scared. “ What are you doing here?” Why is Jimin panicking? Why he is distancing himself from Yoongi?

“ I came to bring you home.” 

“ No, no, you can’t.” He shakes his head desperately. 

“ Jimin.” When Yoongi touches his back, Jimin jumps to his feet. “ Jimin, are you okay?”

“ D-don’t touch me. I-I’m dirty.” 

“ What are you talking about?” He gets up and tries to go closer to Jimin, but he walks away. “ Jimin!” 

“ Don’t get closer, please.” Jimin cries. “ You can’t touch me, you will get dirty too.” 

“ Angel, you are not dirty, it’s okay.” He says slowly like he is talking to a scared animal. “ Come on, let’s go home and put you on dry clothes.” 

“ No, I-I don’t de-deserve this. Go away!” His eyes…Jimin’s eyes are so red from crying, his face is so pale, and he looks so…scared and fragile. “ You…you need to go away. I don’t wanna be a burden anymore, just…please,” Jimin sobs. “ leave me alone.”

“I can’t let you here, I won’t let you here.”  Slowly, Yoongi touches his right hand, but it was like he burned Jimin.

“ Don’t touch me!” Jimin screams, mixing his voice with the thunder. 

Why can’t Yoongi understand? He can’t be near me. He… is pure, beautiful, and…kind. He can’t be near someone like me, I won’t let him get dirty too. 

“ Angel, please, look at me.” Yoongi is crying, seeing Jimin like this…is breaking him. It reminds him of himself. Hurts. “ I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, but please,” His voice hangs when he tries to hold the tears. “ Let's go home. I can make something delicious for you to eat.” 

“ No, I don’t want to.” 

“ Jimin, you will get sick, let’s go. Please.” 

“ No, no, no, no!” When Jimin starts to run, Yoongi follows him. 

“ Fuck, Jimin!” Despite being drunk, Jimin can run faster than he thought the boy could.

Jimin sobs when he feels arms around him, stopping him from running, stopping him from disappearing. “ Leave me, please, please.” He cries, screams, and tries to get out of Yoongi’s hold.

“ Please, angel,”  Yoongi cries on his neck. “ don’t do this to me. Let me bring you home, please.” 

Yoongi is crying? No, no, he can’t cry because of someone like me.

“ Don’t cry, hyung, please.” 

“ So go home with me, I can’t see you like this.” Jimin turns to him, and Yoongi kisses his wet hair over and over again. 

Home.

“ Yoongi.” Jimin cries, resting his forehead on Yoongi’s shirt, trying to feel more, trying to feel him. “ I’m so sorry I made you cry, I’m so, so sorry.” 

“ Ssshhh, that’s okay, angel.” Yoongi hugs him. 

     …

When they arrive home, Holly greets Jimin, licking all of him with so much excitement that Jimin wants to cry again, while Yoongi runs inside the apartment to get a towel for Jimin.

“ Here, angel,” Yoongi wraps the towel around him. “ I will heat the shower for you, okay?”

Jimin nods, following him inside the bathroom. When the water is warm enough, Yoongi looks at him, curled inside the towel. “ Come on, angel, I will help you get inside.” 

“O-okay.” Yoongi gets near him and, with gentle hands, takes the towel around Jimin. “ Is it okay, angel? Can I take the rest off?” Jimin just nods.  

Slowly, gently, with so much care that anyone hasn’t given to him in years, Yoongi takes his clothes off. First, he takes off his shirt, frowning when he sees the bites on Jimin’s neck.

“ Does it hurt?” He asks, afraid to know the answer. Yoongi is so…angry, so sad. Jimin didn’t deserve this, no one deserve this.

“ Not anymore.” 

“ Can I touch it?” 

“ Yes.” Jimin whispers, looking deep into Yoongi’s eyes. 

Carefully, Yoongi traces the marks with his finger, hating the angry purple in the smooth skin. “ I’m so sorry, Jimin.” He feels the tears falling down.

“ It wasn’t your fault, hyung.” Jimin tries to reassure him.

If he was there, this wouldn't have happened. How could he allow something like this to happen to Jimin? If he wasn't so busy with his own mind, fighting himself, this wouldn't have happened. Jimin would be alright.

He should be there.

“ I feel like it is.” The tears…Jimin hates to see tears on Yoongi’s face.

“ I wasn’t.” Jimin grabs the hand that is touching him and kisses it, almost crying at how much he missed touching someone this way. “ You couldn't do anything about it." 

" I should take care of you."

Something dark crosses Jimin's eyes. " I don't need a babysitter." He says bitterly. 

" What? What are you talking about?" There is sadness and hate on Jimin's face, in his voice. 

" I don't need you to remind me that I'm a burden on your life, that…that you here are just to take care of me because Hobi told you to." 

" What? Why are you saying this?"

“ I know! I heard you talking with Hobi that day at the coffee shop, I know that you are here to keep an eye on me, you don’t need to fucking remind me!” Jimin screams, he hates himself for doing this, he hates himself for screaming at him, he hates himself for just breathing. 

His whole existence is useless. 

“ Stop crying, someone will hear you.” Ian slaps him on the face. “ Such a crying baby, Jimin-ah.” 

Ian.

“ That’s enough, I’m done with this bullshit. You disgust me, don’t you dare to come back.“

His appa.

“ Wow, now I am a slut? What about you that spread your legs for Yoongi? You knew him only for like, I don’t know, two hours before go to his bed and beg to be fucked. “

Even Tae thinks less of him.

His breathing is heavy, and his stomach is funny. Jimin runs to the toilet and vomits what’s left in his stomach.

“ Let me help you, Jimin-ah.” 

“ Don’t come closer.” He says and vomits again. 

 Not listening to him, Yoongi helps Jimin to get up, cleans his face with a wet towel, and offers him his toothbrush and toothpaste. When Jimin finishes it, Yoongi takes his chin and makes him look at him. 

Yoongi wishes he could take back all he had said. He vividly remembers the talk he and Hobi had that day, the things he said, and the way he said it.

“ Angel, I know what you heard that day, I remember what I said to Hobi, but you have to trust me when I say that you aren’t a burden in my life. Park Jimin, you are my friend, my roommate, and the person that I always think about before going to bed.” 

Don't say too much, don’t say too much, don’t say things you are not even sure about, Min Yoongi.

“ Yes, I’m taking care of you, but it’s not because you are a burden, it’s because I care a lot about you.” He strokes Jimin’s cheek. “ It’s because I like you.” Yoongi smiles when Jimin blushes. 

Yoongi…Yoongi likes me?

“ I…Are you sure?” 

“ Of course, angel. Being near you is my favorite time of my life.” 

Can this possibly be true? Jimin looks deep into his eyes. This Yoongi is the same Yoongi that makes his coffee, sings while cooking, and sometimes has daddy jokes on the tip of his tongue. He trusts this Yoongi, he likes this Yoongi.

The Yoongi with the gummy smile.

Jimin just nods -he doesn’t know what to say-  and starts to take off the rest of his clothes, feeling dirty and sweaty. When Jimin is almost fully naked, except for his underwear, he gets in the shower, but he grabs Yoongi’s hand when he tries to go away.

“ Where are you going?”

“ I...I will make something hot for you to drink.” 

“ No, please, stay here with me.” 

“ Ar-are you sure, angel?” 

“ Yes, please, I want you near me.” He begs, taking Yoongi’s shirt off when he gets close to him.

I’m not a burden.

Yoongi likes me. I’m not a burden.

Not a burden.

Yoongi doesn’t even know what to do, it’s like Jimin bewitched him. His hands are so soft against Yoongi’s skin, so caring. 

“ Can I take your jeans off, hyung?” 

Yes.

When Jimin puts him under the warm water, Yoongi grabs him by the waist so he can feel the warmth too. Jimin hangs his arms around Yoongi’s neck and then they stay like this, touching each other, feeling the water running down their bodies for a long time. Fuck the water bill.

They have never been so intimate with someone like this before. And it’s amazing.

“ Can I wash your hair, hyung?” 

Yoongi smiles softly. “ I wouldn’t mind your tiny fingers on my hair.” 

“ They are not tiny!” He exclaims, offended. 

“ Let’s see.” Yoongi shows his hand to him, and Jimin puts the palm of his hand against Yoongi’s palm. “ See, tiny fingers.” He giggles. 

“ Fuck you, Min Yoongi.” Jimin looks down and sees Yoongi’s tummy near his. Searching for revenge, he uses his tiny fingers to tickle him. 

“ Stop it, Jimin-ah.” Yoongi giggles. 

“ Oh, my tiny fingers couldn’t resist such a cute tummy.”

“ Stop it. I-I’m sorry.” He laughs. “ I love your tiny fingers.” 

“ And I love your cute tummy.”

“ Do you think I’m chubby?” Yoongi looks down. His belly is rounder than before, and he doesn’t feel attractive, maybe he needs to lose some weight. 

“ I think you are perfect.” Jimin says whiles tracing Yoongi’s soft skin with his hands. 

Yoongi gets goosebumps. No one ever touched him that way, not even his ex-girlfriends, and he is feeling…so many things. Damn, he is screwed.

Yoongi’s tummy, chest, arms, shoulders, nipples…everything. Jimin touches everything. “ You have no idea how beautiful you are, Min Yoongi.” He looks at his face and sees that Yoongi is smiling, so he smiles too. 

I like you too.

“ Thank you, angel.” He grabs his face with his two hands and kisses Jimin’s forehead. 

Warm.

Warm. Warm.

Home. 

“ Come on, let me wash your hair, turn around.”   Let me take care of you the way you take care of me.

He puts shampoo on his hair and starts to wash it, massaging the scalp gently. He loves the fact that Yoongi’s hair is getting longer, he loves the way it feels on his hands. Jimin wishes he could do this every day, he wishes he could be near him like this every day. 

“ I love your hair. It’s getting so long.” 

“ Yeah? I was thinking on cut it.” Suddenly, there is a smack on his shoulder. “ Ouch, why did you do this?”

“ Don’t you dare to cut it, I would be so sad.” 

“ Okay, I won’t. You don’t need to slap me.” 

“ Sorry. “ Jimin kisses his shoulder where he slaps it. Yoongi freezes, but the boy doesn’t notice it. 

There is an old scar on Yoongi’s left shoulder that Jimin never noticed before. It’s thick and white, maybe the same size as his index finger. 

“ Hyung, when did you get this scar?” 

Yoongi doesn’t answer him immediately. He wants to share this with Jimin, but it isn’t easy. The memories are still very vivid in his mind.

“ It was a car accident. M-my brother died, but I only got this scar.” Step by step, as his psychologist told him. Take deep breaths, and tell everything you can.  

“ I’m so sorry to ask you that.” He hugs him from behind, resting his head on his good shoulder. “ You don’t have to tell me, I’m sorry.” 

“ That’s okay, angel. It was…a long time ago. We-we were coming back home, it was raining a lot, we…we were arguing about something I don’t even remember when we got hit by another car. Our car…overturned. I was the only one wearing the seat belt…” Jimin waits for him. Yoongi takes deep breaths and intertwines his fingers with Jimin’s, resting their hands on his tummy. “ He died on my hands, I-I tried to make the bleeding on his neck stop, but I couldn’t. I still remember how warm his blood was on my hands, how he begged me to take care of his daughter. My niece was only 4 months old.” 

Jimin doesn’t even know what to say, so he just kisses his shoulder over and over again, hoping Yoongi knows that he is here with him, that he is sorry, and that he wishes Yoongi didn’t go through something like this. 

“ You, Min Yoongi, are the strongest person I’ve ever met.” He whispers in his ear. “ I hope you never forget that.” 

He says nothing because he doesn’t agree with Jimin. When his brother died, Yoongi turned into someone else. He was depressed, he had panic attacks and he still can’t see blood without feeling like he is going to lose his mind. His niece needed him, but he wasn’t there for her. His sister-in-law needed him, but he wasn’t there for her too. 

Yoongi turns around and sees Jimin’s cute cheeks and wide red eyes. He can’t help, he kisses his forehead, his cheeks, his hair, and without thinking too much about it, he kisses the marks on his neck, one by one, wishing it wasn’t there and that he could cure it with just his lips.  

“ Hyung.” Jimin almost moans, running his hand through Yoongi’s hair.

“ Jimin.” Yoongi says between kisses. “ I’m so sorry.” 

“ There is nothing to be sorry for.” Jimin kisses his hair. “ I’m so glad I’ve met you” 

You are my safe place, hyung. 

“ Jimin.” Yoongi silently cries. 

“ Ssshhh, let me take care of you.” 

Jimin takes the soap and starts soaping his chest, running his hands from his body, and planting a few kisses along the way. Yoongi can’t stop crying because everything tonight was too much for him. Seeing Jimin suffering broke him, talking about his brother always opens old scars, Jimin giving so much affection is destroying him and curing him at the same time.

“ Your brother would be proud of you.” A kiss on his shoulder. “  You are an excellent uncle.” Another kiss. “ You are so gentle.” A kiss on his neck. “ I’ve never met someone so beautiful like you.” He kisses his cheek and looks at him. “ I wish you could see you through my eyes.”

“ Jimin-ah, you are so beautiful too.” I think I like you more than I should.

“ Come on, hyung, let’s sleep. The water bill is going to cost a billion wons this month.”

They finish their shower and wrap themselves in the towel, going to Yoongi’s bedroom holding hands, not wanting to let go of the other yet.

“ Let me wear this?” Jimin says, grabbing Yoongi’s black sweater. He is dying to wear it since the day he saw it for the first time.

“ Of course, angel. You can pick anything you want.” 

Jimin chooses just the black sweater and underwear, not bothering to wear more. Yoongi goes to the bathroom to brush his hair, so Jimin lies on his bed with Holly, wrapping them both under the blanket. 

“ So sweet, Holly, you are so sweet.” Jimin kisses the dog’s head. “ I’m gonna sleep a little bit with you, okay?” 

This bed is so comfy, so warm. Jimin sniffs the pillow and smiles. 

Yoongi.

Yoongi.

 My Yoongi. 

Everything smells like him. 

Smiling, Jimin almost falls asleep, hugging Holly. Not much later, he feels Yoongi laying next to him. 

“ I don’t like to be the little spoon,” Jimin complains. “ let me hug you from behind, hyung.”

“ I don’t like being the little spoon either.” 

“ Come on, hyungieeeeee.” 

“ Okay, okay, stop crying in my ear.”  Yoongi pouts, turning on the other side of the bed, and Jimin hugs him like he is hugging a teddy bear, breathing deeply Yoongi’s perfume. 

“ You smell so good.” 

This is right.

The rain continues to fall outside the apartment, but inside…it’s very warm. 

Jimin loves the rain. 

Chapter Text

Hi, guys!!! How are u doing???

I thought a lot and it's not fair to just disappear without saying a word.

The truth is that I'm not very well, some days I'm so depressed that I can't write much. I think about this fic every day, I want to deliver u a well-written story because my Jimin and Yoongi deserve it and I don't want to disappoint u guys. When I started writing " The Way You Look at Me" I was at my lowest, I couldn't see a future for myself, but now I'm better, not 100%, but better than before and that's what matters.

This story isn't just about love, it's about someone trying to fight their inner demons, and that's exactly what I'm doing now. It's strange to say it because I created him, but my Jimin inspires me, he is a strong person who just wants to love and be loved, and, just like him, I've met people who are teaching me how to love. What I'm trying to say is that I'm growing, just like Jimin will grow too, and I hope u guys stay with me to see it!!

Thank u so much for wanting to read my story, thank u so much for all the comments.

I hope u guys are doing well, chasing ur dreams and being with the people u love(>‿♥)

See u soon! ❤❤❤

Chapter Text

                                                                                                      “It comes and goes in waves

                                                                                                       It always does, always does

                                                                                                  We watch as our young hearts fade

                                                                                                        Into the flood, into the flood.

                                                                                                        The freedom of falling

                                                                                                  A feeling I thought was set in stone

                                                                                                          Slip through my fingers

                                                                                                          I'm trying hard to let go

                                                                                                       It comes and goes in waves

                                                                                                           And carries us away. ”

                                                                                                            Waves- Dean Lewis

……….

It’s always like this now.

He takes a shower and debates with himself if he should go to Yoongi’s bedroom or sleep alone. In the end, as always, Jimin decides to sleep alone. When he goes to his bedroom, he suddenly feels cold because of the emptiness and the darkness, then Jimin covers himself with the blanket and tries to sleep.

Some seconds later, Ian is on top of him, trying to get Jimin out of his clothes with his hands covered in dirt and blood. He tries to scream, but nothing comes out of his lungs, he looks to the left and his father is right there. He is looking at him with disgust. 

“ Don’t you like it, Jimin?”

“ No, appa, no.”  He sobs and tries to get Ian off him. Ian is hurting him, the dirt under his fingernail is getting under Jimin’s skin, the blood is painting his pale body red, and the force he is using to make Jimin stop is painting his body purple.

“ I thought you might like it. Aren’t you gay? So, there is a man on top of you, enjoy it.” His father turns his back to him and gets out of there, leaving Jimin alone. 

“ No, no, no, please, appa…”  Ian grabs his face and makes Jimin look at him, Ian’s face curls into a devil smile. 

“ Now it is just you and me, pretty.”  He licks Jimin’s face, his tongue leaving a bloody mark wherever it goes. He tries to fight it back but it’s useless, Ian’s body is heavy against his. Jimin wants to vomit. He wants to cry.

 Wants to die. 

Jimin can’t fight it anymore. He feels Ian’s hands on his underwear and he does nothing to stop him. He feels Ian’s tongue on his skin devouring his body like an animal and he does nothing to stop it.

To die.

    To die.

To die. 

There is only pain when he takes his last breath, and, right before losing his conscience, he hears it. 

“ Angel, please.”

….

Yoongi can’t take it anymore. And irritates him even more that he can’t do shit to change the past.

He didn’t believe before that he could hold so much anger toward someone, that he would one day feel like he could punch someone until the person loses conscience.  

Well, Yoongi didn’t believe it until now. 

Ian is on the floor, his nose bleeding, and Yoongi is ready - more than ready - to punch him again when Hoseok’s voice fills the dance room. 

“ What the fuck are doing, Min Yoongi?” It isn’t a pleasant tone. It’s the worst tone, the same tone Hobi uses when he needs to scold a student. 

Teacher Hoseok is a scary man, he learned many years ago.

“ I’m calling the police.” Ian says. Using the fact that Yoongi isn't looking at him anymore he tries to get up from the floor, taking advantage of his shirt to contain the blood. 

“ Stay right there, you piece of shit, I’m not done.” Yoongi tries to get to Ian again but Hobi grabs him by the arm.  

“ Yes, you are!” Hoseok exclaims. “ What’s wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?” He can’t understand, Yoongi isn’t like this. 

Yoongi is…shaking. There is so much anger and hate on his face, and Hoseok has never seen something like this before, not when his friend can’t even kill a bug. One day, Hobi saw him crying when his mother asked him to kill a chicken she had bought alive for dinner. Yoongi refused to kill the chicken with pouty lips and teary eyes, and Hoseok laughed so much that he peed himself.

“ This mother fucker-” Yoongi breathes deeply. Fuck, he can’t even talk. 

He can't talk. He can't change the past. He can't make Jimin feel better. He. Can't. Do. Shit.

The only thing Yoongi could do was try to stop Jimin from crying when he had nightmares. It has been almost two weeks since that night and nearly two weeks since Yoongi woke up from Jimin crying every night. 

He knew Jimin was broken before but he is even more broken now.

Every day is a different struggle for both of them. Jimin doesn't like to be alone anymore, and Yoongi doesn't like to leave him alone; he just wants…to be with him.

It's a different - maybe unknown - feeling, sometimes it's like a wave will swallow him, and sometimes it's sunny like the spring.  He doesn't know exactly what it is, he just knows that he feels…different whenever he is with Jimin, and it doesn't matter what they are doing, he just wants to be near him, feel him, hear his voice. 

3 nights ago was the first time after Ian that Yoongi heard Jimin laugh. Damn, he missed it so much.

Yoongi was sitting in the living room, finishing a project for work, when Jimin appeared in the corner of the room, looking like he wanted so badly to ask something. Yoongi smiles to himself.

" Angel, what is it?" He keeps his eyes on the papers before him, making the last touches so that he can give all his attention to Jimin. 

Truth be told, he is dying to do something with Jimin today, it’s late and they haven’t done a thing together. Every day they invent anything to do, it can be cooking something they've never eaten before, or taking photos of Holly dressed in human clothes. It's a way to distract both of them from, well, from life. 

"I-I…"

“ Yes?”

“ Don’t laugh at me.” 

“ I won’t.” Yoongi chuckles. 

“ You said you won’t laugh!” Jimin looks betrayed, already turning to leave the room. 

“ Sorry, Jimin-ah! How can I not laugh when you look so cute? It’s like you are going to ask me the most incredulous thing.”

“ I-I don’t know, hyung, some guys don’t like to do it, but I like...I’m afraid you won’t help me.” Shit, he is so insecure about this now. It’s just Yoongi, no one else, he doesn’t have to be insecure near him , Jimin tries to tell himself.

“ Ask me.” 

“ Can you help me dye my hair?” 

“ Are fucking kidding me?” 

Yoongi is angry? Oh my lord, of course, he is angry at me. So stupid, Jimin, so, so stupid.

“ I-I’m sorry, hyung. I won’t ask something like this again.” 

“ No, wait,” Yoongi grabs his left arm when Jimin tries to leave. “ I’m not mad, it was a terrible way of expressing myself, sorry.” He looks at Jimin with gentle eyes, trying to make him understand. “ Do you know that I used to have mint hair 3 years ago?” 

“ What?”  He looks at Yoongi’s hair, imagining him with a different hair. Yeah, he would look pretty with mint hair, but he prefers this one better. “ Do you have a picture?” 

Yoongi does have a picture on his cell phone, but it’s a horrible picture. Jimin doesn’t have to see it. 

“ I don’t, sorry. So, what color would you like?”

....

30 minutes later

"Hyung! My head is on fire! It's burning." 

"Oh my god, go to the shower, go to the shower!"  Yoongi screams behind Jimin, running with him in the bathroom's direction, gloves with a bit of hydrogen peroxide on. “ Come on, wash it!” Thinking Jimin isn’t washing fast enough, he tries to help, putting his hands under the shower too. 

“ Hyung, you are still with hydrogen peroxide on the gloves!” 

“ Shit, sorry, Jimin-ah. Wash it faster, I don’t wanna see you bald!”

“ Am I going to be bald?” Jimin looks at him, fear in his eyes. 

“ Not if you wash it fast enough. Come on, put all your head under the shower.” 

When Jimin puts it, he screams. 

“ Fuck fuck, fuuuck!”

“ What is it?” 

Oh my god, is his hair falling? Jimin is going to be bald because of me!  

“ It fell in my eye. Fuck, it hurts like a bitch.” 

Yoongi sighs in relief. At least he isn’t going to be bald, just blind. 

Wait, blind?

“ Are you okay, angel?” He asks worriedly, holding back the will to grab Jimin’s hair to see his eyes.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. What if Jimin needs to go to the hospital? Fuck, we don’t have a car!

“ Yeah, I’m alright, it’s better now.” Jimin turns off the shower and takes a look at Yoongi’s face. 

He can’t contain his laugh. 

“ What happened to you, hyung? Why are you crying?” 

“ We don’t have a car, it will take time to call a taxi. Y-you are going to be blind an-” 

“ Yoongi.” Jimin holds the smile trying to escape from his closed lips. “ I’m alright! Calm down.” 

When Yoongi looks at him, his face morphs into anger and shyness. “ Hey, why are you laughing at me? I was worried about you!” 

“ Sorry.” Jimin giggles. “ You thought I was going to be blind. You were all worried, red-faced with pouty lips. So cute, I couldn’t resist it.” 

“ That’s it, stop touching me.” He removes Jimin’s hands from his face. “ I’m worried and you are mocking me.” 

Yoongi goes to the living room, walking like an upset child. Jimin laughs more.

His hyung is so fucking cute.

..

Hoseok sees Yoongi trying to fight with the words, and it hurts. He can feel the way his best friend is trying to not cry. What the fuck happened? 

“ H-He” Yoongi tries to remove the tears from his vision. “This mother fucker touched him.” And then he cries right there in front of everyone. Fuck, he is so weak.

“ Who? What happened?” Hoseok tries to understand something, although his hyung is a mess in front of him. 

In the corner of the room, Taehyung is there listening and watching the scene. He was just trying to talk to his hyung, Hoseok when Min Yoongi entered the studio like a beast looking for his prey. The energy emanating from him was made of pure sadness and anger. For just a second, he was afraid it was something about Jimin. Did they fight? Wasn’t Jimin well? That’s why he stayed, to try to find out what happened and if it was about his friend.

“ Jimin, he touched my Jimin” 

“ What?” Hoseok feels himself becoming paler and paler, his brain ignoring how Yoongi said My Jimin.

Taehyung widens his eyes, his hands now shivering from anger.

Jimin, his best friend, and his soulmate, was harassed.

And he wasn’t there for him.

He wasn’t there to be with him, to wipe his tears…

To tell him that everything's gonna be okay. 

He

    wasn’t

              there…

Like he can’t control himself anymore, Taehyung goes to Ian, who is trying to get up when Taehyung punches his face, again, again and again. He just stops the instant Ian’s blood warms his hands. 

“ Oh, my goodness.” Hoseok goes to Ian on the floor. Well, the rest of him. “ Fuck, Taehyung! Fuck shit, fucking hell, I hate you both.” 

 He can’t even process the information, and with quick hands he grabs his cell phone to call the emergency, hating himself for needing to be worried about Ian. Hoseok needs to assist, he can’t afford lawyers if Ian tries to make charges. 

Blood.

There is so much blood.

Yoongi paralyzes. 

He looks at Ian and all the blood, and suddenly, Ian isn’t there. It's his brother. 

It’s like the accident didn’t happen years ago. His brother is there, bleeding, dying and Yoongi can’t do anything to change it. 

He can’t save him. 

He can’t protect Jimin. 

He can’t save them. 

As Hoseok finishes his call with the emergency, he sees Yoongi hyperventilating, his hands shaking and his eyes fixed on the blood. 

Shit.

Hoseok can’t leave Ian, who is crying like a fucking baby while Hoseok tries to stop the bleeding with his own shirt. Hell, he likes that shirt so much. 

“ Tae!” He screams. “ Get Yoongi out of here. Now!”

Coming out of his stupor, Tae locates Yoongi and tries to get to him. Yoongi is…he is a nervous wreck. Tae tries to call him and touch him but is like he isn’t there. The man can’t listen to Taehyung, he is lost in his mind - his eyes staring at the blood without blinking.

Taehyung has seen this before happening with his best friend. However, unlike all the times before, he doesn’t know what to do now. 

“ Hyung? Oh, my God” It’s Jimin’s voice. “ Hyung…Yoongi, look at me, hey, it’s me, Jimin-ah.”

Those hands… they’re so soft, so warm against Yoongi’s skin. And they smell so good, they smell like Jimin…Jimin!

“Jimin-ah.” Yoongi’s voice is hoarse.

“Hey,” He smiles. “ it’s me, come on, look at me” Gently, oh, so gently, he moves Yoongi’s face to look at him. “ There, here you are, hyung, with me.”

“ Here you are.” Yoongi is looking at him but…he isn’t looking. It’s like he is…not there. 

Tae can’t say a word. Suddenly Jimin is here but it’s not the same Jimin he knows, it’s someone completely different and he can’t say shit. This moment isn’t about him.

“ Yoongi.”

Jimin doesn’t know what made him come to Hobi’s studio. He was crying in his bed when Yoongi left saying that he had to do something important. Maybe was the way he said it, or maybe Jimin just didn’t want to be alone, it doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters right now it’s his hyung having a panic attack. When he entered the room, the scene in front of him - Ian with his nose bleeding, Hobi trying to make it stop - didn’t matter the second he saw Yoongi near Taehyung having a panic attack. Even Taehyung's presence didn’t turn his attention. 

Yoongi can’t cry. He’s too important, too good to Jimin to let that happen. 

“ Holly is waiting for us at home, come on, hyung.” 

“ Holly? Oh, yes, our dog.” 

Our dog.

“ Yes. our dog.” Oh, fuck, you can’t cry now, Jimin.

Grabbing Yoongi’s hand, Jimin gets him out of the room. 

“ Let’s breathe with me, okay?”

“O-okay.” 

“ Inhale.” 

Inhale

   Exhale 

“ That’s it, you’re doing good perfect!” 

Jimin is happy. He did something good, something nice for someone he cares about. When he sees Yoongi getting calm, he can’t contain his happiness and hugs him. 

I did something good.

I’m not useless.

I can be good for someone. 

“ Jimin, y-you are suffocating me.” 

“ Oh, sorry, hyung.” He laughs a little.

He sees tears on Yoongi’s face, so he tries to wipe the tears with his fingers, looking at his hyung in the eyes.

“ I like it.” 

“ Like, what, hyung?”

“ The way you look at me.” 

Jimin stops. He tries to absorb what Yoongi just said, but…

“ Jimin-ah.” It’s Tae’s voice right behind him.

Chapter Text

“You were the best but you were the worst

As sick as it sounds, I loved you first

I was a dick, it is what it is

A habit to kick, the age-old curse

I tend to laugh whenever I'm sad

I stare at the crash, it actually works

Making amends, this shit never ends

I'm wrong again, wrong again. “

I love you, I’m sorry - Gracie Abrams 

…….

“ Jimin-ah.” It’s Tae’s voice right behind him.

Jimin’s at his home, sitting on the living room floor with Holly by his side, and Tae’s voice repeating in his head repeatedly.

“ Jimin-ah.” It’s Tae’s voice right behind him.

He tries to breathe and to calm down. A lot happened today…Taehyung happened today. And Yoongi isn’t with him now. When he saw Hobi-hyung running at Yoongi after the emergency arrived…the way Yoongi so easily went into Hobi’s arms and hugged him as if his life depended on it. It hurts like a bitch. 

But why does it hurt so much? 

“ Jimin-ah.” It’s Tae’s voice right behind him.

“ T-tae? W-what are you doing here?” He looks at his friend and it’s like it hasn’t passed a day since the last time they saw each other. He is still as beautiful as ever. “ Oh, my god, Tae, what happened to your hands?” His hands are sore. Jimin wants to touch and feel them again, but he can’t, can he?

“ Ah, i-it’s nothing.” He shrugs.

“ Does it hurt?” Jimin takes one step ahead. Taehyung wants him to come closer; he wants his friend back. 

“ No, don’t worry about it. I-I just…” He takes a deep breath. “ I liked your hair. Very much.” 

“ R-really?” Jimin blushes. He didn’t see that coming, he didn’t expect Taehyung to notice him or even talk to him, not after…

“ Yeah, pink suits you. I always said that.” 

Jimin remembers it. That’s why he dyed that color. 

He wants to be someone beautiful. 

Jimin wants Yoongi to think that he’s beautiful too.

“ Hobah?” 

When Jimin looks to his right, his hyung and Hoseok are there.

Hobi hugs Yoongi and touches his face like he is used to doing it. And Yoongi…

Fuck, the look in Yoongi’s eyes…it’s like Hobi it’s the sun of his life. 

There’s no place for Jimin there. 

It  will never 

    have a place 

        for him.

He can’t hear Taehyung next to him, Jimin is alone in his pain. 

Why does it hurt so much? 

The apartment is so cold without Yoongi there. 

Everything happened so fast. Ian bleeding, Yoongi crying, Tae being there, Hobi hugging his hyung…it’s too much for him. He doesn’t even know how he got back to his apartment and doesn’t know why he is alone.

Jimin feels like there’s an ocean between him and the life he wants to have— an ocean between himself and the version he wants to become.

Hobi hugs Yoongi and touches his face like he is used to doing it. And Yoongi…

Fuck, why Jimin can’t be a little bit like Hobi? Why can’t he be fucking normal? 

He hates this, he hates being alone, he hates being a pathetic man who can’t bear his shit. His father was right, and it hurts to know that he’ll die alone, no one will mourn his death because he’s a useless piece of shit.

With his head, Jimin hits the wall beyond him. 

One.

Two.

Three times. 

He deserves this.

Fuck, the look in Yoongi’s eyes…it’s like Hobi it’s the sun of his life. 

One.

Two.

Three times.

There’s no place for Jimin there. 

One.

Two.

Th…

“ What the fuck, Jimin?” Yoongi exclaims. “ What are you doing, angel?

But he knows what Jimin is doing. He saw him doing that every time he got overwhelmed. Sometimes, Jimin doesn’t hurt himself too much. Sometimes, he hurts himself until he faints or until blood comes out from an old scar Jimin has behind his head. There was one time that Yoongi had to take him to the hospital and he was so fucking scared that he made Jimin promise this won’t happen again.

It’s happening again. 

When Yoongi puts his hand beyond Jimin’s head, he feels blood warming his hand. Yoongi starts shaking instantly along with vivid memories of that day…the day he lost everything.

No, it’s not the time for that. 

“ I’ll get some ice and something to clean this.” 

One.

Two.

“ No, Jimin, stop.” 

He isn’t listening to him, it’s like Yoongi isn’t there. 

One.

Two.

More blood comes. He’s going to faint. 

“ Jimin!” Yoongi screams. He had never screamed at him before, never. And suddenly Yoongi feels…wrong. This isn’t right, they can’t be like this again, he doesn’t want to be like this again. He doesn’t want to scream at Jimin. 

Jimin returns to reality. 

He looks at Yoongi with wide eyes and something like fear in them.

“ I’m sorry.” He isn’t looking at him anymore. Jimin’s body is trembling when he tries to get up.

“ No, you can’t get up now or else you’ll faint. J-just let me help you, ok?’ He tries to say it carefully, he doesn’t want to scare him again.

“ Hyung.” 

The way Jimin said it made Yoongi’s chest ache. 

“ Why am I like this? I-I don’t want to be like this anymore, I’m tired of feeling like this. I want to be good.” 

 I want to be good for you 

and maybe

for me too.

“ I don’t know, angel. I want to be good, too. Maybe we can help each other.”

You are good, Yoongi, you’re so fucking good and I don’t deserve you.

“ How?” He looks at Yoongi with tired and sad eyes.

They’re always sad.

“ I was considering going to a therapist.” 

“ No, I can’t afford it.”

“ I can pay it for you.” 

“ No, that’s not happening.” 

When Jimin looks away, something bitter starts to form inside Yoongi. Something very close to anger.

“ No, you’ll go to the therapist and I’ll not accept a ‘ no’ as an answer.” He says maybe too harshly. 

“ Excuse me? Who do you think you’re to talk with me like that? I can do what I want, just because we live together it d…”

“ Who am I? I’m the guy that went with you to the hospital the last time you almost killed yourself. I’m the guy who is fucking taking care of you. I’m the guy who cares if you’re alive or not.” He screams. “ If you don’t give a shit about you or your damn life, that’s not my problem, but I do care about you so that is my problem. So yes, you’ll see the fucking therapist and try not to kill yourself, Park Jimin.”

Jimin is speechless. He feels like a child being scolded by his parents.

He wants to scream back.

    Want to tell Yoongi to go to hell. 

           Want to say so many (nasty) things.

But he knows Yoongi is right. 

I need to be better.

“ Fuck, I’m sorry, Jimin, I-I didn’t want to scream at you like that, I’m so sorry, don’t know what happened to me.” 

“ You don’t have to apologize, hyung.” He takes a deep breath. 

It’s time to change a little bit, or at least try.

…………

. The patient’s name: Park Jimin.

.Age: 20

.Condition: Depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

.Medication: None.

.Accompanied by: Boyfriend?

“ So, Jimin-ssi, it’s nice to see you again.” Nora, his therapist, says when he enters her office. 

Last week was the first time he came, and he couldn’t speak to her. Although she seemed nice, Jimin wasn’t ready to talk, so they stood facing each other. After his section, she called Yoongi to speak with her, probably about him. 

“ Hi,” Jimin says without much effort.

“ How are you feeling today, Jimin-ssi?” 

How is he feeling? Jimin is feeling like shit because Yoongi isn’t talking to him.

Okay, maybe Jimin is being a drama queen. They are talking, but not talking like before, and he knows this is his fault. Only his as always. 

“ Hmm, I’m okay, I think.” He is trying to make an effort.

“ Really? Well, I don’t believe you. You can talk to me, Jimin-ssi, I’m here to help you, okay? I won’t judge you or anything like that. I have been in the same place you are, a long time ago, and I can guess what you’re feeling. Maybe I can help you.” 

Jimin doubts it. 

Nobody can help him, even himself.

Nora seems to have all her life figured out. She seems happy and healthy, nothing like Jimin is now. Jimin is a fucking mess and he knows it. 

“ You’re not a mess, Jimin-ssi.” He looks at her surprised. Jimin is almost 100% sure he didn’t say it out loud. 

Nora laughs. 

“ Don’t look at me like that, as I said, I know how it is to sit on the same chair you’re sitting in right now. Look, I’m going to be honest, okay? I can imagine you know I talked with Yoongi-ssi last week and he told me some things about you and how you treat yourself next to him. I was impressed, he seemed to care very much about you and I know you care about him too. I’m only trying to help you both, but I need you to talk to me.” 

He didn’t see that coming. She is far too honest and maybe he liked that about her. 

Jimin needs that, he needs people to be honest with him.

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” She seems satisfied.

She asks him about his life and his relationship with his parents. His life isn’t extraordinary, and his parents aren’t the best in the world, but they are his family and he loves them despite…everything.

“ So you still love them even after all the things they did to you?”

“ O-of course, they’re my parents.” 

“ If a friend treated you that way, would you still be friends with them?”

“ Hmmm no?”

“ I don’t know, you are the one that has to know.” 

Jimin never thought about his parents that way. They aren’t his friends, they’re his family so it’s okay if they mistreat him. That’s what he tells her. 

“ No, Jimin, it’s not okay. A family is supposed to be a safe place, but if they are not it gets challenging to get healthy relationships with friends, partners, and yourself.”

Jimin thinks about what Nora said when he comes back home.

“ Hi, Jimin,” Yoongi says when Jimin opens the apartment’s door. “ I made lasagna, do you want some?” He is looking at his phone and this makes Jimin fucking pissed. Fuck, he is trying to get better, he is going to the therapist, he is listening to her and he is trying hard, all Jimin wants is to get home, hug Holly, and watch movies with Yoongi. Jimin knows what he did was wrong, he knows he messed up, but is it so selfish to want Yoongi by his side?

“ Hyung.”

Yoongi isn’t looking at him. Actually, he can’t look at him, not after the day Jimin tried to hurt himself. Again.

He can’t look at him because Yoongi is ashamed about the way he screamed at Jimin and because he’s fucking pissed. Jimin made a promise, he promised that he wouldn’t hurt himself again but he did it anyway. Yoongi can’t trust him. 

“ Hyung.” 

“ Yes. Jimin.” He answers while looking at his phone

“ Look at me, Yoongi.” 

He doesn’t look. 

“ Fuck you, Min Yoongi!” Jimin screams. “Look at me!” 

“ What the hell, Jimin, stop screaming like a fucking child.”

“Oh, I’m a child? You’re the fucking child, Min Yoongi, you’re ignoring me for days, and I am the child?” Jimin laughs without humor. “

“What do you want me to do?”

“ I want you to look at me!”

When Yoongi does, Jimin wishes he hadn’t done it, he can’t bear the look in Yoongi’s eyes.

“ Fuck it, I’m done here.” Jimin doesn’t want to be here anymore, he doesn’t want to be near Yoongi. 

Yoongi takes a deep breath. “ What do you want from me?” And it’s like Yoongi is 50 years old. He seems exhausted.

“ I don’t know anymore, Min Yoongi.” 

But Jimin knows. 

He wants things to be as they were. 

He wants Yoongi.

Chapter Text

“I'm trying my best

To keep you satisfied

Let you get your rest

While I stayed up all night

And you don't wanna know

How alone I've been

Let you come and go

Whatever state I'm in, ah”

The greatest - Billie Eilish

...........

After their fight, Jimin locks himself in his room.

Yoongi doesn’t know what to do. He wants to scream and maybe cry a little bit.

What did I do wrong? He asks himself over and over again.

He doesn’t know what to do, fuck! Yoongi thought they were good, he thought Jimin was getting better, but then they were arguing and saying things they didn’t mean. He tries to focus on when they became this fucking mess. 

Yonngi laughs without humor. 

He looks at the lasagna in the oven, symbolizing his failure. He had cooked it just for Jimin because he knew he would like it.  

Suddenly, his phone starts ringing. 

“ Hello?”

“ Yoongi-ah!” Hobi screams. “ I bought your favorite wine! Maybe we can drink it together while you work on your new project. ” 

Fucking hell, Yoongi forgot he had work to do and that he asked Hobi’s help. His new client wants to open a dance studio, and also it happens that the new client is Hoseok, so who is better to help on this project than Hobi himself?  

“ Of course. When do you want to do it?” 

“ Right now! I’m in front of your door .”

“ Don’t you have a boyfriend to annoy? Oh, I almost forgot, you have two, so go annoy them.” Yoongi can almost see Hoseok rolling his eyes. 

“ Don’t be a pain in my ass, open this door.”

“ No.” 

And then the bell rings. 

Over and 

     Over 

       Again.

“ For Jesus Crist, stop this shit!” 

Maybe it’s a good idea to have Hobi next to him. He has been so stressed lately, and his little ( not so little) fight with Jimin made him so exhausted. Yoongi needs distraction. When he opens the door, Hobi’s smile is the first thing he sees. And it’s strange. Some months ago, this smile would make him crumble, however, he feels nothing. It’s like an empty cup.

“ You’re so annoying, you know that, right?” Yoongi says but is ignored by Hobi looking for his wine opener. “ Jesus, what happened to ‘Hi, Yoongi-ah, I love you too?’ Don’t you have good manners? ‘”

“ Fuck off and help to open up this wine.” 

When Yoongi crosses his arms, Hobi knows what he wants and rolls his eyes. 

“ Yoongi-ah, my dearest friend, could you please help me to open this delicious bottle of wine?” 

Yoongi smiles satisfied. 

 “ You’re so polite, my dearest friend.” He mocks. 

They drink the wine and start working. Yoongi is feeling better, but not 100%. His head is a bit fuzzy even with Hobi’s presence; Jimin doesn’t get out of his mind, so he tries to bury inside his mind all the thoughts related to Jimin.  When they are almost done sketching, he hears Hoseok taking a deep breath. 

“ Okay, we’re almost done here, so could you please tell me what’s wrong?” 

“ What do you mean, Hobah?”

“ You know exactly what I mean. You’re not here, it’s like your mind is somewhere else.”

“ Oh, didn’t you like my idea for your studio? I can do it all over again, what do you want to change?” 

“ No, it’s not about the studio, your sketch is perfect and I loved it very much. It’s just…you’re strange. Come on, I know you better than my boyfriends’s bodies.” 

“ Yuck, Hoseok.” Yoongi exclaims. 

“ Sorry, it was an inappropriate comparison. Anyway, what I meant was that I know you and I can feel that something is wrong.” 

Yoongi stops to truly think about everything that happened today. Does he want to talk with Hobi about it? He is ashamed when he remembers screaming at Jimin and how poorly he dealt with Jimin’s dissatisfaction. He is trying his best, but his best isn’t enough. When Yoongi tells Hobi all that is happening, Hoseok stays quiet for a while. 

Yoongi feels so alone.

“ Yeah, this is so shitty.”

“ Oh, really? Thank you for your help.”

“ Look, I’ve been friends with Jimin since…well, I don’t remember exactly, but that's not the point. The point is that I know how self-destructive he can be. Has he ever told you about his parents?” 

“ Not much.” 

“ They’re a bunch of assholes, they treated him badly, and of course that made scars. And I know it can be difficult to lead with him. I think you two need to talk properly because it’s obvious something is wrong, you’re hurting yourselves.” 

“ I just don’t know how to talk to him anymore.” 

“ Anymore? Well, if you knew someday, you’ll know now. You’re stressed too, Yoongi-ah, you need to take care of yourself first. I know that day in my studio made something on you, I know  you remembered about your brother.” 

“ I’m already seeing a therapist to lead with my brother’s… missing.” 

He can’t say ‘ his brother’s death’, it’s just too much for him.

“ Maybe it will help if you see your niece.” 

“ Maybe…I don’t know what to do.”

“ Do you want to stay with me and the boys? It may help if you stay some days apart.” 

“ No! I c-couldn’t leave Jimin here. There’s no way.” 

“ Okay, but I think you two should talk and you should get some time for yourself.” 

“ I’ll think about it, Hobah.” Yoongi looks so jaded, it breaks Hobi’s heart. 

And then Hobi has an idea that it may not cure everything, but it will give Yoongi some time for himself to think about nothing.

“ Yoongi-ah. I have a ‘party’ today, do you want to come with me?” 

“Which kind of party?” But he already knows the answer.

“ The kind of party that you dance and kiss strangers.” He says with a happy smile on his face. When Hobi was single, he liked to go dancing almost every night. It was on one of those nights that he met Jin and Namjoon. They couldn’t stop looking at him dancing on the dance floor and he couldn’t stop looking at them.

“ No, thank you very much…. Do they know you go to those places?” 

“ Of course, silly, they go with me.” He answers like it's the most obvious thing. Usually, he dances while his boyfriends drink something and look at him happily. “ Come on, Yoonie, let’s dance with me.” 

“ No, and you’re tipsy.”

“ I’m not!” He exclaims clearly tipsy. “ Well, I’m going without you anyway.” Then he gets up from the chair. 

Hoseok knows Yoongi, he knows Yoongi will go with him if he thinks Hobi isn’t capable of going alone. 

“ Your tipsy friend is going alone…” When he is almost ( dramatically) opening the front door, Yoongi gets up too.

“ Fuck, I’m going.”

………..

He remembers. 

The first time he went here was with Jimin on the night they met.

 It’s like it was years ago.

The music is still loud, and people are dancing like last time. However, Jimin isn’t here.

“ Come on, Yoonie, dance with me.” Hoseok laughs and brings Yoongi closer. “ Jin is coming too.” 

Hobi knows Yoongi doesn’t know how to dance. No, that’s a lie. He knows how to dance with Jimin because they’ve danced a couple of times in the kitchen or the living room. Jimin loves to dance and Yoongi loves to see him dance. 

On an ordinary night

It’s almost 9:30 pm. Yoongi is exhausted from work, it’s been killing him.

When the elevator stops on his floor and opens its door, Yoongi hears music coming from his apartment. He can hear Jimin laughing too, the sound is so sweet that Yoongi smiles without even noticing it. 

He opens the apartment’s door and maybe his heart melts.

Jimin is dancing while holding Holly in his arms. When he spins, Holly sticks its tongue out and Jimin laughs again. 

“ Oh, hyung, there you are!” 

“ Hi, angel. Can I dance with you too?”

He knows he’s exhausted, but how could he not dance with them? They are his family now.

“ I don’t know, hyung, Holly is the best partner I’ve ever had, you can’t beat him.”

“ Ouch, that hurts.” 

When Yoongi smiles his gummy smile, Jimin feels something inside him. Something gentle and warm like the sun in the early hours of the day. 

Maybe living it’s worth it. 

When Yoongi puts his hand on Jimin’s waist, Jimin thinks that

                                                                                   Maybe living it’s worth it. 

When they dance and Jimin steps on Yoongi’s foot and both of them laugh, Jimin thinks that 

                                                                                  Maybe living it’s worth it. 

When Holly starts barking for attention, Jimin thinks that

                                                                                  Maybe living it’s worth it. 

But Yoongi isn’t dancing with Jimin now, he is dancing with some stranger while Hobi goes to the bathroom with Jin ( or he thought so). This body isn’t like Jimin’s, they don’t dance like Jimin, they don’t talk like Jimin, they don’t laugh like him. And when they kiss him, they don’t taste like him.

Nothing it’s like him. 

Everything is so wrong. 

It doesn’t matter what Jimin does; Yoongi knows that he wants to be with him. He doesn’t want to be far from him, and he doesn’t want to go dancing with people he doesn’t even know. Yoongi wants to go home every day and see Jimin dancing with their dog. 

He doesn’t want to kiss strangers, he wants to kiss Jimin.

Because he’s in love with him. 

The conclusion that he is in love with Jimin comes calmly and quietly like it’s something that has always been there. Maybe it’s because it’s been there for a long time and he didn’t see it.

Before leaving their apartment, Hoseok asked: 

“ Do you love him, Yoongie?” 

“ What? Why do you think that?” 

“ Because you used to look at me differently.” 

“ Remember the day you said you loved me? Well, I think I knew back then that you loved me. You looked at me like I was the most important thing in the world. In the beginning, I thought it was normal, that it was just the way you are, but then you said you loved me and everything made sense, the way you treated me, the way you looked at me. For you, I wasn’t just your friend, I was something more. And I blamed myself for a long time, I should have done something about it, but I ignored it thinking it was just my imagination. You don’t look at me like that anymore.” He laughs. “ You look at Jimin that way now. Hell, you don’t even call me anymore, if I don’t call you, we will be days without talking.” 

“ I’m sorry, Hob-”

“ I’m not here to argue with you. I’m just trying to say that I think you romantically love him. When I see you two together, it’s like you are orbiting each other. Every time I’m talking to you, you talk about him, and it’s so sweet, Yoongie. You and Jimin are beautiful together.” 

“ I d-don’t know what to say. I..”

“ You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it, okay?” 

“ I’m sorry.” Yoongi says, getting rid of the person kissing him. “ I need to go home.” 

He doesn’t waste his time looking for Hobi and Jin - they will be okay without him.

Yoongi rushes home, the only place he wants to be right now.

…………

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t I can’t I can’t.

When he hears Yoongi and Hoseok leaving the apartment, Jimin makes a decision. 

He doesn’t want to live anymore.

He can’t’ live anymore. 

So he fills up the bathtub they barely use. He wants the water to be warm like that shower he took with Yoongi. As the water fills the bathtub, random thoughts and memories fill Jimin’s mind.

Yoongi doesn’t call me angel anymore.

                                      Will my parents miss me? Of course they won’t.

                                                         I’m such a bitch. 

I hate myself. 

I hate myself. 

                     I think I love him. 

                                                    Tae…

I can’t live anymore.

                                     I’m so sorry, Yoongi, please, forgive me. 

    You’ll be better without me here. 

                                                          Everyone will be better without me.

                      I’ll miss Holly.

 No, I love him.       And it hurts so fucking much.

                         A burden, I won’t be a burden anymore.

When the bathtub is ready, Jimin goes to the cabinet under the sink and takes the razor Yoongi uses to shave. Jimin does everything robotically, it’s like he isn’t in his body anymore and it’s just something he needs to do.

He wants to sleep. 

A year ago, he used to take medicine to sleep, so he goes for them, maybe there’s something left in the bottle. There are three pills. He drinks them with the water of the sink.

Jimin enters the bathtub without taking his clothes off, he wants to be dressed.

When the razor starts to tear apart his arm's skin, all Jimin can feel is peace. 

Finally free.