Chapter Text
it’s happening again.
how idiotic were you that you hoped it wouldn’t. you sighed, pressing your palms against your forehead in an attempt to convince yourself that your sanity’s still intact.
it’s been a bustling day in kate laswell’s office, and all of you have been stretched to the thinnest point. 141 was tasked on a mission yet again to catch a russian terrorist in southern afghanistan smuggling numerous weapon caches.
it should’ve been a piece of cake, seeing as you and kate’s team discovered how sloppy this mercenary was in covering his tracks, but the mission’s flow is being proven otherwise.
even with all of the setbacks, they managed to capture the target, with soap being the one to secure the bastard. kate and the team let out a breath of relief, while some cheered for yet another successful mission. the room was practically oozing with contagious delight.
but some of that glee didn’t transmit to you at all. your head was too busy sorting out the mess this day has made. and kate noticed it.
in the midst of the cheers, the yells of triumph, kate made her way towards you and sat next to your swivel chair. you wouldn’t have noticed her if she hadn’t tapped your shoulder.
“mrs. laswell?” your head swivelled towards her direction. with the instant motion, only now do you realise that your muscles have tensed, earning you one of the worst back pains of your life. you groaned and stretched, alleviating your cramps.
“just kate, (name).” she said. “oh. right.” you chuckled as a pang of embarrassment hit your system. now you know you were really out of it.
kate waved off the mistake and gave you a doting smile, offering a cup of coffee in her other hand. you took it from her grasp gently and stared at the ripples.
“what’s wrong?” she asks. you sigh in an attempt to get things off your system.
it’s worth considering telling kate, you tell yourself. you’ve been in her team pretty much.
smoothing out the creases in the bridge of your nose, you reach your final verdict. but before you could even utter a sound, she somehow already knew.
“it’s ghost, isn’t it?”
you puff out a laugh, because you knew it was ridiculous. ‘ghost’ was the name they gave him when he was… out there . cold and stoic, ‘ghost’ was the man who wore tactical armour, followed commands, and came up with brilliant strategies that led him and his team the success he was ordered to achieve.
‘ghost’... was a stranger you never knew. and you’re sure as hell he wasn’t simon.
ghost wasn't the one who loves you. simon did.
did he?
you nod in response to kate, to which she responds by pulling you in for a hug.
you always found it so unlike her when she does it. even after what you and her went through, she still has that part of her that cares.
she rubbed small circles on your back. "what happened?" she questioned, concern staining her low tone. thinking about it now, letting it sink in your mind, your eyes started to swell.
with every ounce of effort, you brought your arms up to return her embrace, sinking in her shoulder. you were trembling by now.
"kate…" you shakily muttered. she hummed, patiently waiting for your answer.
"he forgot."
heavy footsteps echoed through the walls of hq. 141 was back, with their prisoner intact. upon seeing them, all of the staff cheered.
another day, another success.
nothing less from tf141.
kate laswell approached the task force with the same power she always held, only now, more fierce. you followed behind her, never lifting your gaze from the tiled floor.
why did you still agree to greeting them? you were in no shape to do so.
you were literally on the verge of tears.
was this your lovesick mind's doing? why are you still here? you had half a mind to just bolt away from this situation. cry while running into oblivion.
but for some reason, you stood your ground. eight years of serving the military taught you to.
but you didn't want to.
it took every ounce of strength to keep you from shaking.
"congratulations, captain." you heard kate say. "one less, at least." price said.
you didn't know how tight you've been holding the tablet in your arms until you felt your hands cramp together.
"it was better than hassan's, too!" soap's voice exclaimed, elated.
your stomach dropped when you heard his raspy tone utter a sound, “my kingdom for a bourbon.” followed by gaz’s remarks of fake surprise at his poor taste in whiskey.
they all shared laughs, and started walking past the frozen frame of you. you decided you can’t take any more. and before kate could stop you, your words spoke on their own.
“is that really it?” you forced. they stood in their tracks, and so did he.
the room has never been so blurry.
“you just… don’t remember at all?” you pushed once more. you can hear your heartbeat in your ears.
soap approached you and paused. “what are you talking about, (name)?”
you gathered the courage to glance up. kate had her brows together in worry, most of the task force was silent, while he…
he looked at you with the most painful stare you had ever seen him give you.
his eyes looked… resolute?
wait…
you stepped back.
“...you knew?” you shook, violently, upon realising what he had done. he didn’t answer you.
you couldn’t believe it. you could barely think.
simon knew it was today. he remembered and he definitely knew. and you almost threw up. today was your anniversary with him. the first one you two ever had. how dumb of you to assume he would be kinder to you; that he had only forgotten, when in reality…
you knew it was stupid to be upset about. who would be upset over this as much as you were? it was just an anniversary. it was just a day. you understood that it was. you were ready to let it go.
but why did it sting your heart so much?
your insides were in knots.
you were lying to yourself. you knew why.
it’s because he chose to ignore it; chose to neglect it. not only had he disregarded your feelings with that act alone, not only had he disrespected your hopes, he led you on with the intent of hurting your worth.
not only your worth to yourself, but also your worth to him.
and this isn't the first time he's done this either.
soap, price, and gaz were in confusion. they turned to simon with questioning eyes, with soap finally asking: “what are they talking about, ghost?”
his glare was intense and piercing, your body started visibly shaking. your shoulders started to tense, your breathing became an effort, and your legs started to feel numb.
“this operation was important.” the lump in your throat started to grow the more you listened. “it was a priority.”
“what?” price said behind him. “simon–”
“ priority!?” you suddenly exclaimed, catching all of the attention in the hallway. before you knew it, your legs started bolting towards him, while he remained rooted on the floor. you didn’t know what you were doing anymore.
through tears, you pointed at your chest as you spoke. “i waited for you for god knows how long on that hill! the same spot we planned to always go to on our best days,” your fingers started shaking during its attempts to be steady.
“i waited from morning until sunset for you!” you heaved a breath. “but you,” you jabbed at his armour-covered chest with every word as you said:
“never. came!”
you clenched your fists around the nylon ropes to handle your anger, tempted to land a blow on his mask. “ no word from you, no call, no text, and the next thing i knew, i’m suddenly called by laswell, telling me we needed to aid your stupid mission!”
nothing but your voice travelled the walls. and at this point you didn’t give a damn. your unspoken rage was consuming you, not even noticing tears started flowing from your cheeks. “and i would’ve been fine if you had told me in advance! but you never did!” your voice quivered, breaking the more you yelled.
his eyes watched your every move, but not a single hint of emotion was found in that gaze you once strived to obtain. “you left me alone,” you clenched your fists around his armour straps. “how could you expect me to–”
you gasped silently when he roughly grabbed your arm and shoved it off of him, the movement so aggressive it strained your arm. “the mission was the priority. ” his voice loudly said.
“it will come first. my job is to capture, exterminate, and kill,” you couldn’t breathe. you couldn’t see. “you do not have a say in what i do with myself, my choices, or my concerns.” you couldn’t do anything. nothing at all.
soap, bless his soul, began to hold ghost back, cautiously grabbing his shoulder before he could continue. “hey, lt. that’s–” he stuttered, “that’s enough ghost, that’s-”
“ clear?” he derided firmly, face merely inches away from yours. everyone was staring. everyone was whispering.
you finally breathed once you felt your lungs swelling. your knees began to buckle, and your torso manoeuvred itself without you noticing.
you only blinked, but your palm slammed against his cheek with force you never knew you were capable of. his head snapped sideward while your hand stung upon impact.
he slowly moved it back to you, eyes cold yet full of fury.
"do you even love me at all…?" you asked silently.
you begged the world, begged everything you were able to plead to that the man you love was still there. that he's still in front of you listening and waiting for his perfect time to approach, because you knew he would.
that's just how he was.
calculated and logical, even during his times of extreme emotion.
that was simon riley.
but the silence became your answer.
he's been like this for months, and you never knew what you did. you were never sure if you said anything wrong that set something off in him.
he just kept looking away.
you surprised yourself when a sob escaped your lips, finally realising you were crying.
and it felt awful, knowing the person that caused these tears was right in front of you.
and not even remorse could be seen in his gaze.
“how could you?” you asked one last time. you told yourself you just needed one answer. whether good or bad, you needed to hear it. it ultimately decides everything; you and simon, what you two are, what happens now, what comes after that and…
what happens to you.
after a while, he shrugged subtly, and simply said, “it was for the better.” a deadpan expression in his eyes.
your shoulders dropped, giving out every tension it piled up the moment you heard him talk. you didn’t understand why you still tried. you should have known from the beginning he started acting like the way he was now.
you’ve had enough. after everything he’s put you through, you’re not doing this anymore than you already have.
“you’re a jackass, simon.” you shakily spoke.
before you knew it, your legs drove you past all of it. including him.
in a pit of sobs, you hit his shoulder upon walking away. deep down, a part of you wished him to go after you. you knew you were an idiot for thinking it in the first place, but you couldn’t help it.
the last few embers of your passion burned for him as bright as it could; just for him to notice, please let him notice , you prayed.
but it was all in vain. you heard his footsteps go the opposite direction.
you wasted the last bits of your cinder hoping for a blaze, only to be left with the cold he had given.
it was only then when you realised you didn’t know the difference between ‘simon’ and ‘ghost’ anymore.
your legs picked up their pace, and before you knew it, you were running. you didn’t know where your feet were taking you, but at that point, you asked yourself if it even mattered at all.