Archive of Our Own ^beta

The moment consciousness slammed into him that morning, Raphael could tell what kind of day it would be. One of grays and exhaustion. Where his muscles felt like rotten noodles and his bones creaked angrily. Head unkind and foggy.

Letting out a weak snarl, nobody around to hear it, Raph turns and tosses the blanket over his head. His body hurt from years of taking hits and pushing himself. He felt too big, hating how much he stuck out. It wasn't fair. 

He felt gross. Skin grimy from the sweat and dirt clinging on. Teeth tasting terrible from not yet brushing. He hadn't even bothered with his mouth gear last night– too exhausted to even change into jammies. Looking up slightly, he meets the judgemental, blank stares from his stuffed animals. "Don't look at me like that." He mumbles before flipping to his other side and hugging the pillow to his face. The blankets tangled on his spikes.

His brothers are expecting him… but he can't muster the energy to get out of bed.

After his last episode, Pops had encouraged him to talk to his brothers. The two had stood strong together and tried their best to explain how depression affected them.

"It's like… my body ain't my own and it's too tiring to move it. And Raph's head is stuck being negative," the snapper struggles to explain, fidgeting anxiously. "I… can't care. Almost like nothing matters."

Donnie seemed to understand pretty fast; Mikey too, being the expert in feeling and everything. But, Leo? Raph could see his brother trying to process the new information, but it just couldn't click for some reason. 

"But why can't you just get up? Or even sit up for long enough to eat and drink?"

"It's not that simple, Blue," Splinter had his ears folded down, shame etched across his face. "Though I wish it were."

Raph laid there, motionless, staring unseeingly across the room. There was a pit in his chest. A void. Time isn't real.

A knock on his wall has him slowly looking towards the entrance. Tired eyes catch Leo's, and Raph manages a pathetic rumble. Not quite a greeting, but it was better than nothing. The slider walks further into the room, saying nothing, setting his swords down against the wall. 

The younger reaches the bed and sits down, pulling his legs up to sit cross-legged. Raph buries his face in the pillow again, not having the energy to deal with the other. Silence prevails, and after a while, he almost forgets about Leo's presence. Looking up once, he sees Leon with headphones on, tapping away at his phone. 

When some time passes by, and Leo proves to not be a nuisance, Raph stretches out a bit and flips onto his stomach. The shifting bed somewhat startles the younger turtle into nearly dropping his phone. The silent, but comforting presence of Leo gives Raph some energy. Not much, but enough for now. With a small chuff, his tail wraps around Leo's waist and pulls him against his side. The surprised squeak that follows brings the ghost of a smile to Raph's beak.

The shock passes, and Leo leans against his brother's shell. "I'm… sorry for how I acted last time," The slider finally speaks. "I don't think I ever actually apologized." His voice is small, quiet as if afraid being any louder would get him pushed away.

Raph rumbles gently, unable to find his voice for words. They didn't really need words to convey their thoughts, though. 

"When I lost my patience and tried to force you to get up… I wasn't being a very good brother. Should've been more like you." He reaches over and places a gentle hand on Raph's shoulder; his touch was feather light. 

Raphael continues staring forward at the wall, listening to every word. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes, and his beak wobbles slightly. 

Leo takes a breath, in and out, carefully selecting his next words. "I still don't really understand what you're going through. It doesn't make sense to me, and Donnie would say that's cause I'm a dumb dumb. I'm inclined to agree– but don't tell him that! You know how he gets," Leo lets out a quiet chuckle. Raph gives a small, broken hum. "Dad pulled me aside and told me to be patient with you. That this isn't a problem we can fix. That's not fair because you're the last person who deserves to feel shitty about themselves. I know I don't say it often, but you're the bestest brother. You've done so much for us."

Leon gently pushes the tail off his lap and stands up. He turns to face Raph, holding out a hand to his brother. "I wanna do something for you too. You don't have to, but I think you'll like this." 

Time slows into a never-ending crawl, and the way Raph blankly stares at Leo hand has the slider tensing for disappointment. Raph is building up the motivation, fighting internally. Eventually, he pushes himself into a sitting position and places his hand into Leo's. The genuine grin that breaks across the younger's face makes the tiring effort worth it.

Pulling Raph to his feet, Leo grabs his swords and opens a portal. He looks back, giving Raph a chance to back out; "Ready big brother?" 

The snapper slowly nods, allowing Leon to lead him through. His tail dragged across the ground, putting no effort into restraining the heavy limb. The first thing he notices when placed on the other side of the portal, is the chilly air nipping at his skin. It's nowhere near cold enough to set off their brumation instincts, but the sudden change in temperature seems to wake him up a little. "Where-" the first word he's spoken all day; his voice is rough and scratchy from lack of use.

"Outside the city." Leo answers. They're standing on grass, surrounded by trees. Leaves shaking in the nippy breeze. "I scouted this place out, nobody is around at this time." This felt so different compared to the city that never sleeps. It was quiet… Raph stares up at the sky, noticing the sun was nearly gone. Sunset was almost over. Has he really spent the day already??

Leo kneels in the dewy grass, patting the spot beside him. Raph follows suit; the blades tickle his knees. He breathes, the fresh air filling his lungs.

"The other's already know. I told them to not bother us."

And… that's the final straw. Raph sniffles, pulling Leo into a bone-crushing hug. "...Thank you," the snapper whispers. There's a soft purr rumbling from Leon, the younger trying his best to comfort. 

They sit there together til the moon is high up in the sky. Leo doesn't understand what Raph or Splinter go through, but he doesn't need to. There's other ways to show his support and love. "For you, big brother? Anything."