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Saren can’t help but toss and turn in their bed, no longer grounded in the citadel, the two on-leave Spectres had to move most if not all of their belongings onto their ship, which.. after the bit of repairs, had been remade into their home as well. A personal.. shore leave, as Sparatus had named it. They were already working on another Citadel as repairs on Palaven had completed. After the Reaper war, after everything had ended. Saren was tried fairly, and.. had been proved innocent via the indoctrination. That wasn’t his will, that was SOVEREIGN’S WILL, enacted upon his weak, frail mind of knowing he was to be next on the chopping block for genocide…how foolish he thought he was, thinking mass-genocidal machines would be willing to spare him and his race..how..wrong he was, given everything that’s happened.
-
“Oh..you don’t have to worry, dear Nihlus. I’ve got it all under control…”
this isn’t real. he didn’t shoot Nihlus. He didn’t kill Nihlus. This wasn’t real. It wasn’t real—wasn’t.. the truth. Saren watches HIMSELF, he hears the gun whistle and fire, he listens to his lover crumple onto the ground, blue blood exiting from the back of their skull in plenty. It made him sick to his stomach. NO. THIS. DID. NOT. HAPPEN. Saren wanted to force himself awake, but was stuck in this forbidden hellscape of a nightmare. He wasn’t living in this nightmare. He tries his damnest to try to wake himself, but it feels like he’s chained to his bed, opening his eyes—thinking that it was all over.. That was until his own voice ringed out towards him, it was.. himself. No. NO it wasn’t. It was him—when Sovereign had taken control of him, had replicated his entire body as a radiation of pure energy, had stolen his memories, and had left him to die—if not for Nihlus’ decision to head to Virmire before Shepard, he would’ve been unfairly tried, or worse, killed.
“ We are Infinite. We are Sovereign. You were never the one in control, from the moment you spoke to us. Saren was never the one in control… WE WERE. “
“NO. I WILL. NEVER. ALLOW YOU TO TAKE CONTROL EVER AGAIN.”
Saren snarled, but it was in the end a foolish choice, as the other him, eyes gleaming eerily crimson as they towered over him on their bed, their voice towards Nihlus echo’ing in Saren’s mind, fear stricken, guilt ridden. If Saren wasn’t sure if he was still in the middle of the nightmare—the other, indoctrinated him lifting him up by the throat holding him off his bed, in a reckoning of sudden pangs of asphyxiation upon him, a blink, a closed set of eyes, his subvocals screaming for any sort of mercy that will never come for him, not that it is.. deserved. Saren did this to the people. He betrayed them by even thinking about an alliance—a truce.
“ You did this to the Citadel and its people.. you were so useful for us, you’ve outlived a Spectre’s purpose.. how kind of you to so freely betray everyone you knew and loved… “
Once his blurred vision and thoughts had seemingly cleared, Saren was being held over a height he hadn’t imagined to have been before, the body of water, the flames blistering heat raining down through Geth Gunfire, screams, people trying to evacuate as it was a Indoctrination Grounds and genocide on the people of the Citadel, and here Saren was, being choked to death by his fake. Gasping for air as his indoctrinated-other grins in an eerily, sadistic way.
“ We so gladly painted you as a sadistic man, who would do anything to get his way… Too bad you’re never going to be in good faith to anyone ever again. Innocence or Guilty. “
“ Let. Me. G-GO…”
“ Our grip on you will never fade, Saren. You are forever intwined to suffer with us until the ends of time. Our voices will never cease until the day you die. You will forever be useful for us… our little pawn.. you played into what we wanted.. we could kill everyone you love and your suffering would simply give us life to push you to your limits. You. Are. Nothing without us. “
If only that was the worst of it, a blurry leveled set of blinks later and.. Saren and the indoctrinated exo-Saren are at the council’s room, top of the Citadel— overlooking holographic clones of Shepard, now he couldn’t stop the other, as what they did—he did. Watching his hand grip his revolver, gulping as his entire body trembled, his mind broken once more as the entire terror had repeated itself, Placing the gun to his head, tilted upwards from the side of his right mandible, the sadistic, sick—twisted robotized exo-Saren spoke for him.
“ This is your only escape. Even in our death. Even in our death. Your escape is death. Say Goodbye. “
As they had both pulled the trigger….
-
Saren shoots up, hyperventilating as he glances around, the panic only rises when Nihlus isn’t present in bed, but the indentation of the other turian is present. Sobbing lightly as his subvocals scream out for mercy upon his aching soul, a cold sweat disrupts everything, Sitting up in bed before curling up, fear pangs at his guilt-stricken heart. And yet his subvocals aren’t the only ones who seem to be suffering. Through his hyperventilation, through his panicked, trembling gaze and hands, Saren is successfully able to get up, lop-sidedly searching for the other in his panicked state. It leads him towards the bathroom, as he hears the faint scent of soft-shelled berries, it is probably to hide the stench of alcohol, but.. when Saren opens that door, his heart drops, there’s a bottle of ryncol, a knife on the ground, and Nihlus, sitting in the shower, sobbing quietly.
He stares at the other as their subvocals ring out in unison. The suffering in both of their hearts. Without a care in the world, he approaches, and, despite being clothed as he slept, he got into the shower with the other (as large as it was, it could easily fit half a dozen people no issue), Saren sits himself down, and Nihlus almost immediately burrows his face into Saren’s quickly dampening clothing, shuddering over the quite frank, freezing cold water.. just how long was Nihlus in here? He no longer stank of ryncol but, the knife was very worrying.
After letting the other cry in his grasp for what felt like an eternity, Nihlus spoke.
“ I could never leave you. I’m such a selfish fucking prick, Saren. “
“ Don’t tell me… you… Oh spirits, Nihlus.. “
If there was a capability for turians to shed tears, he’d be a fountain—they both would.
“ This isn’t healthy, Nihlus. Nothing the both of us are going through— nothing the both of us are trying to cope—it isn’t healthy. “
“ I know. I—I Know. “
“ I know how you feel. We don’t have.. to suffer alone. “
His words choked through his own strained, panicked throat. Silence amongst the ambience of the running water, Nihlus’ sobs had silenced, Though their sub-vocals both ugly cried for them, screaming, and bawling their eyes out. The pain, the suffering—their guilt, their unhealthy ways of coping.. it was all coming to this ugly head. For the two Spectres, it didn’t look like an end to their suffering would ever come. It was why they needed to stay together. They’d support each other through this.. as.. painful as that was to each other’s deteriorating health.
“ And.. if it doesn’t go our way… we… could… “
Saren gulps… he’s…really going to say this…?
“ We could… go out together.. in the only way we know how as Spectres.. “
“ Or out in each others embrace…? ”
“ Or that. I’d.. be okay with it… “
“ It would have to be a mutual decision, Saren. ”
“ I know that. I’d be willing to lay it down to that if it ever gets to that point. “
Their suffering knew no bounds, and.. had it come to the point where the two Spectres had nowhere else to go, had nothing else, or the pain had gotten to be too much…they’d hold a mutual decision on whether or not it was time to go….go to the stars… Saren’s gaze faltered as he shoved his face into their broad, muscled shoulders, as..Nihlus had done the same. Even if they came to this conclusion about their suffering, they both knew deep down that wasn’t going to fix anything, and would leave the universe in more disarray than ever. But.. they both realized their only support groups were…each other. Who would.. even allow two fucked up in the head Spectres into their friend or support groups? Outside of Shepard’s crew… no one.. and even then, their opinion of Saren hadn’t really changed from the indoctrination era. They wouldn’t.. care about his suffering.
No one ever cared for his suffering outside of Nihlus. But now they were both suffering to the point where.. this felt like the only way. A deteriorating, diminishing returns of constantly sharing the burden on one another until neither of them could hold on to their lives for any longer.
“ I will care for you until the end of our lives. Whether that be.. “
“ For a year.. or until we hit the natural-age deaths of our kind. “
“ Mhm… We have each other… for now… that’s all that matters. “
Saren sighs and reaches out to turn off the water, they’re both soaking wet, but the two of them stare into each others pained, suffering gazes, and lay their foreheads upon one another, they are now alone with each other, the silence booming as their hands interlock, enjoying each others silence outside of the sub-vocals, still screaming in their monotonous—but at the same time.. harmonic symphony of cries and panicked begs to be let out of their eternal misery.
Exhaustion had over taken them, but there wasn’t any use in drying up and getting back into bed, Saren and Nihlus simply, due to their own exhaustion and sleep deprived states, had pulled each other into their arms, stabilizing their positions, just to doze off in each others arms. Despite the inability for their species to shed tears, one could swear a singular tear dripped from the Spectres’ face—if it weren’t for the fact that they were soaking wet from the shower. That didn’t matter.
They’d care for each other. Until neither of them couldn’t take it anymore.
As much of a bad ending it could possibly be, it was their ending. It was an ending that they had both accepted could happen with a mutual agreement.
This isn’t a story. This is the harsh reality. Not everyone’s got a wide support group to help them through their suffering.
The Citadel’s best Spectres, reduced to groveling piles of guilt and deprivation. This was their ending. This was all they had gotten for their work and services.
Even after Saren redeeming himself. Even after Nihlus pulling himself out of his grave. After the two of them had survived the Collectors. Had put in the work to defeat the Reapers.
Had.. both nearly died on the Battle of Manae, protecting their people until their very last bullet—their very last chipped claw and broken fangs.
Had nearly allowed the doctors to pull the plug on them both, for their suffering was too much to bear for one another.
Sometimes happy endings are the worst endings for others, and vice-versa.
Neither Saren or Nihlus had expected such a..calming sleep after their chat, but.. Saren hadn’t gotten another Night Terror as his panicked subvocals are reduced to soft breathing, and Nihlus hadn’t seen himself on the battlefield in his many horrific nightmares against the Reapers and the one he had loved so much.
This was their special ending. They’d go and survive and care for one another until neither of them could any longer.
And… that was alright for them.