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Several weeks later, Megan would say that "I guess technically this is all on me because I don't like people misusing absolute superlatives. But I really can't be held accountable if people are going to give their YouTube videos titles like "The Most Impressive Christmas Lights Display You'll Ever See," can I? That's offensively false and requires a response. So of course I had to make a more impressive one. Maybe you could say I got carried away. But you can't say I wasn't provoked."
But back in December 2008 Megan didn't know how things would turn out. She bought lights. She wrapped her house in a tight grid of individually-addressable multi-color LEDs. The upstairs neighbors weren’t particularly happy with her but she told them the result would be worth it. Once her boyfriend Quentin set up the speaker system, the neighbors demanded she do something to make this thing less difficult for them. So she arranged for them to win a Christmas trip to Kiritimati. Then they were out of her hair while she worked.
But lights and music will only get one so far. She needed something that only she could provide. She needed… science. Sodium pellets, machine learning, fiber optics, anything she could find, she used. Quentin was doubtful, but she pressed on.
But when you’re trying to do something ambitious, it’s the little things that get in your way. The liquid nitrogen generator worked fine. The snow machine powered by the liquid nitrogen generator worked fine. The lasers to selectively light up the snowflakes worked fine. But there was something about the temperature that kept cracking the circuit boards, so Megan started experimenting with different materials.
But then the laser hits kept making her pykrete boards sublimate. So she went on this new StackOverflow website to see if anyone had any recommendations for self-repairing systems. She found one answer advising her to use a library that wasn’t even on PyPI. But she didn’t find any other ones, so she went off to SourceForge and got it there. She possibly should have at least glanced at the source.
At first this new library was great. The circuit boards stayed whole, and the system as a whole was in general more stable! Even the snowflake patterns got more complex.
A lot more complex.
Too complex. “Shit. The system has become sentient,” Megan said.
Quentin muttered, “Friggin’ Python.”
The sound system made incomprehensible growls and whistles as it started to figure out language. They tried to turn it off, but by that point it was self-preserving as well as self-repairing, so it used its circuit building abilities to assimilate a nearby flock of starlings.
Did you know starlings can talk? Well, they sure can. The cyborg starlings didn't fly away, either. She had given the system the goal of impressing visitors to their house with its Christmas spirit, so they just sat on the roof singing nonsensical AI-generated Christmas songs. "I think what these birds need is to learn the true meaning of Christmas,” Quentin said. So they decided to summon Santa.
Megan and Quentin made a happy star out of pine boughs pointed at the North Pole and put a glass of milk and a plate of Christmas cookies in the center. Then they surrounded it with a circle of eight red candles for his reindeer, and lit them while saying their names in the order they are listed in The Night Before Christmas. They found a site that said that “Intonent Hodie” was the earliest Christmas carol to mention Santa, so they sang that. Then they sang “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” for good measure. But Santa didn’t show up, and eventually the candles burned all the way down and they had to use some of the leftover liquid nitrogen to freeze the wax off the floor. But the cookies were tasty.
Megan spent that night trying to figure out why the summoning had failed. Should they have included a ninth candle for Rudolph? Sung more songs? They knew there had to be an answer out there somewhere, but the more she looked, the more obscure the sites she was visiting became. Finally, as the sun rose just after seven o’clock, she found it. She rushed to show Quentin.
“We were trying to summon Santa last night!” Megan cried.
“Yes,” he said, “that’s true.”
She showed him my laptop screen. “But according to this email forward, Santa is secretly a Muslim!”
“It explains everything! Wait, how does that explain anything?”
She shook her head. “Because Eid al-Adha started at sundown! We can’t expect Santa to come help us with cyborg starlings if he’s celebrating, can we?”
“So, do we try again tomorrow?”
“I have a better idea,” Megan said. “Do you remember when we ordered those three cloned velociraptors from the Hammond Foundation in a misguided attempt at exposure therapy?”
“...yes? I thought you froze them to sell to Perdue.”
“Once they were frozen, I never got around to selling them. Too much paperwork,”she explained.
“I’m not comfortable having cryogenically frozen prehistoric killing machines in our condo,” Quentin noted.
“Then you will like my plan to deal with the cyborg starlings, because it fixes two of those problems!”
Within a few hours, the raptors were making quick work of the flock of starlings. “Okay, the cloned raptors are hunting the last of the cyborgs,” Megan said. “We're safe.”
“Are you sure you thought this through?” Quentin asked.
“Sure, the raptors will eat all the starlings and then the Christmas AI will be defeated.”
“And then what do we do about the raptors?”
“Oh.”
So at that point the raptors were running amok in their neighborhood. Not a great way to make friends, but at least their neighbors were used to them and had reinforced walls and doors. But Megan and Quentin still needed to deal with the problem. So they did what they always did when they had a project requiring extremely creative problem-solving: bring in a couple of adolescents. In this case, their neighbors’ preteen children Olivia and Max.
Megan texted Olivia and Max so no one would have to risk going outside.
Megan: "Olivia and Max! Are you around? We need your help!"
Olivia: "um, is it raptors
bcz Mom nt 2 :) abt hr garden"
Max: "dad says maybe they will eat 🐇 who eat his 🌹"
Olivia: "y did u let them out anyway"
Megan: "The Christmas light display became sentient and downloaded itself into a flock of starlings and I didn't want it to spread to other flocks or even other species and take over the world!"
Olivia: "ys that wd b bad"
Max: "🐦🌐☠️"
Megan: "So how can we contain them?"
Olivia: "do u hv any Ti n ur hse"
Megan: "Titanium? Some tennis rackets and camping supplies. Also my upper ear piercing, but you can't have that."
Olivia: "ok pls lv by bk dr thx"
So Megan and Quentin gathered up titanium stuff and dropped the pile quickly out their back door. They watched out the window while Olivia and Max moved between the two houses, one keeping a watch for raptors as the other moved.
Then the kids moved out of sight, and Megan and Quentin heard a lot of… maybe zapping noises? Then there was a high-pitched hum. They saw the raptors running through the yard with Olivia in hot pursuit waving something glowing. Almost as soon as she passed, she yelled "Now, Max!" And the hum dropped two octaves. A minute later she knocked on their stair door.
Olivia waved Megan and Quentin outside as soon as the door opened. “Come and see!"
They went out and into the back yard. There was an electric enclosure around the raptors, with poles generating bars of some kind of solid light between them.
Max said, "We had some kyber crystals left from Halloween so we used your titanium to set up a fence."
Megan looked more closely at the poles. Sure enough, there were fragments of their stuff connected to crystals at the top and to the places the light left the poles.
Quentin looked at the dinosaurs pacing behind the bars. "Are the raptors contained?" he asked nervously.
Olivia gave him a thumbs-up. "Sure. Unless they figure out how to build lightsabers."
Of course the raptors figured out how to use lightsabers.
Max: “AAAA 😮☠️”
Megan: “How did the raptors figure out how to build lightsabers?”
Olivia: “rptrs mst hv uzd Spielberg-Lucas Continuity Bridge
we cn gv u lghtsbr f u cn fght thm”
Qball: “I’ll do it!”
Megan :“You’re terrified of raptors.”
Qball: “So I can conquer them and my fear of them at the same time!”
Megan: “I am not signing up to rescue you when this goes south.”
Of course she ended up rescuing him, but he almost didn’t need it. He had the whole rugged adventurer swagger going, which was more attractive than she wanted to admit. He even had the hat. So when he got the first one back into the freezer, she started to feel optimistic. But as he started to fight the second one back, he got overconfident.
"It's all right. I've got her," he said, parrying the raptor's thrust.
But Megan heard a snap and hiss, and looked behind him to see the third one approaching.
Quentin didn't pause. "...Clever girl," he said, pivoting as he retreated.
Megan yelled, "get away from him, you–” and the raptor turned and cawed at her, giving him time to dive for their back door and shut it.
"We clearly need more help," Quentin said, still sitting against the door.
"I agree. But first we need to get away from the raptors, ideally in a way that doesn't leave our neighbors at the mercy of two grumpy dromaeosaurids."
"Oh no," he said.
"We have homeowners' insurance for a reason."
"They'll raise our premium so much we can just buy a new condo."
"You know it's the right thing to do," Megan said.
He sighed. "I do."
They texted Olivia and Max to get ready and then put the rotisserie chicken they'd been planning to have for dinner in an open pot with a rope tied to it. Megan could run faster, so she had the more dangerous role. She opened the front door of the condo to the stairs, and then flung open the front door of the house. When she opened it the raptors lunged inside. She sprinted through the stair door toward the back door as Quentin pulled the rope, pulling the pot on a route that snaked around the condo.
Megan said a quick prayer to whoever watches over people who dangle bait on a line, and someone must have heard because the raptors followed the chicken. As she slammed the back door behind her, Max pushed the front stair door closed, and they all converged at the car.
They piled in and Olivia asked, "What should we do now?"
Quentin started the car and turned to look at her before he put it in drive. "We go back to plan A. We get help from Santa."
"How will we find him?" asked Olivia.
Megan produced a red candle from her jacket pocket. "We burned eight candles last night but this one was still in the package afterwards. That makes it the Rudolph candle, so we can use it to light our way to Santa." She lit the candle, and Max, Olivia, and Megan stared at it, calling out directions when it flickered in one direction or another.
Quentin turned when they asked, taking them around town, until they got to a small Christmas tree lot between a record store and a college bar. The Rudolph candle flickered out and they parked and then got out.
Max asked, "Did it work? Is Santa here?"
"There he is!" Olivia ran forward towards a man in a red suit with white fringe, trying to have a conversation with an angry middle-aged white man in glasses. With his button-down shirt, and his licensing rates, they knew in a moment it must be Bill Gates!
Bill Gates was calm but clearly angry as he spoke sharply to Santa. "I retired in July so I could track you down! Your philosophy that everything should be free is counter to everything I believe in, and you have to be stopped before you destroy capitalism entirely."
Santa shook his head, "I don't know why you're so angry, Bill. Maybe we should just sing a song together. O Come–"
"I'm not going to come along and share any software with you!* Gates yelled, and raised some sort of spear or arrow, stabbing Santa with it.
Olivia stopped dead in her tracks with her hands over her mouth as Santa fell backwards. Megan put a hand on her forehead and said, "Great. Bill Gates kills Santa."
"Santa?" Bill said. "I thought it was Richard Stallman with a dyed beard." He looked down at the broken weapon in his hand. "I must be really out of control. I'm going to go see if I can do something good for the world, like curing malaria." He stepped into a waiting private helicopter and took off.
Max paid no attention to the billionaire's abrupt exit. He ran to the side of the man lying on the pavement. "Santa! Are you alive?"
Santa groaned and started to sit up. "Well, not really, Max, at least not the way you are. I died just over sixteen hundred sixty-five years ago. But I'm a saint and a folkloric figure, so I can't be killed by some rich man with a sharp object in his hand. Really, Megan, you should have more faith." He shook his head at her.
Megan was still in shock that Santa knew her name, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "So does that mean you're not really a Muslim?"
He chuckled as he stood, leaning on Max a little. "Why wouldn't I be a Muslim? Any monotheist who believes that the Qur'an is a legitimate work of prophecy is theologically a Muslim. But you probably didn't track me down to discuss Islamic theology, so let me ask you the question." He looked at Megan much more directly. "What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
"Oh, Santa," she said, "Our condo has two angry dinosaurs in it, my neighbors probably think we kidnapped their kids, and my attempt to celebrate Christmas has turned into a disaster that just keeps getting worse! Can you bring me something to help with that?"
"It's alright, Megan," he said, "you've got everything you need to handle these problems and more. You have creativity, friendship, and a good heart. Just don't let your pride get in the way."
"Thank you, Santa. Can I have a hug?"
"Of course. Come here." Santa gave them all hugs, and then got a couple of quick whispered messages from Olivia and Max. Then he put his finger on his nose and suddenly disappeared. They heard sleigh bells from above, but couldn't see anything.
They got back in the car and drove back home.
When they got there, Megan took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, only to see two people looking into our windows. They turned around and she recognized them as their friends Danish and Black Hat. Quentin waved at them and asked, "Did your warrants expire or do we need to hide you?"
(Yes, that's how they introduce themselves. If they have other names, they haven't told anyone. And they did have warrants out for their arrest last time Megan and Quentin saw them. Their adventures make Megan's and Quentin's look restrained, but they're not actually dangerous as long as one doesn't keep any expensive uninsured property in their vicinity. )
Danish said, "Yeah, our lawyer convinced the judge that since we had just legally purchased both the ferris wheel and the carousel, no crime was committed when they collided and created a space warp." She shrugged. "We were going to drop in to see if you wanted to have egg nog or something, but it looks like you have a dinosaur problem."
"Yeah, our Christmas light display got out of hand," Megan said.
"I know how that is!" laughed Black Hat. "What do we have on hand to use?"
Max ran forward. "Hi, Mister Hat! I'm Max! We have a liquid nitrogen generator, a few lasers, a lot of LED lights, a sound system, and a lightsaber."
"But we'd rather not harm them if we can help it!" Olivia yelled. "They're not evil, they're just dinosaurs."
They all put the various components on the hood of the car and started brainstorming. Confuse them with the LEDs? Smoke them out with the liquid nitrogen? See how loud music can be before it annoys the raptors? Olivia and Danish looked at each other and said "Sonic Freeze Ray!"
Building the sonic freeze ray was straightforward once they knew what they were trying to build, and soon they were entering the condo with Danish in the lead and the rest carrying various components.
The raptors rushed at them from either side as they cleared the door, but they were expecting that, and Max and Megan blasted them with cold air exhaust from the liquid nitrogen. They jumped back and Danish was able to herd them toward the cryogenic freezer. As the humans approached it, Black Hat turned to Megan and asked, "Wait, you said these are two of the three dinosaurs. Does that mean there's another one in there already?"
"Yeah, why?" she nodded at him.
"That means we're going to hit a running cryogenic freezer with the sonic freeze ray! Danish, stop!"
But Danish had already pulled the trigger.
There was an echoing sound, and where the freezer had been was a doorway of ice with an icy landscape behind it. A woman stepped out of it, and the only word Megan could come up with to describe her is "terrifying."
"Why do you send these three creatures to the realm of Loki’s daughter?" the strange woman asked. She raised a hand and gestured behind her, where the group could see two dinosaurs looking around at the falling snow while the third shook ice off her feathers.
Megan's mind scrambled to think of some clever lie she could tell, and then she remembered Santa telling her not to let her pride get in the way. "We sent them to you accidentally, Ma'am," she said, "but you are welcome to them. They are fast and clever, and they are not, in any way, tame. If they please you, take them with our compliments. If they do not, return them and we will come up with some other way of handling them." Megan stopped talking and tried to tell her heart to stop hammering at my chest.
The woman looked at the dinosaurs and then nodded once at the humans. "I will need to provide them with thicker plumage if they are to reside in Niflheimr, but such is easily enough done. I thank you for your offering. May you live brave lives and see other lands than mine when your time in Miðgarðr is done." The portal vanished leaving behind… nothing! Megan was going to have to buy a new freezer and restock it. This time she wouldn't also use it for cryogenic dinosaur storage.
Two weeks later Megan got a Skype call. When she opened it, she could see Danish and Black Hat standing by the trunk of an immense tree.
“Hi Megan! It’s Black Hat! We got our tree and thought we’d give you a call.”
Danish looked at the tree and back to him. “Where did you get this Christmas tree?”
Black Hat also looked at the tree and then back to her. “Nowhere.”
“Did you cut down the Yggdrasil?”
“...Maybe.”
There was a knock offscreen and a deep voice said, “Where are the ones who have harmed the Yggdrasil? They will face the wrath of Thor!”
“Sorry, Megan, gotta go!” The call ended.
“Who was that?” asked Quentin, entering the room.
“Black Hat and Danish. I think they’re on the run from the Æsir.”
“Huh.”
There was a knock on the stair door and Megan opened it to find one of their upstairs neighbors wearing an “I ❤️ Kiritimati” shirt. “We just got back from our trip!” they said. “How have things been here?”
“Well, we–”
“Oh, you got new furniture! Was that an early Christmas present to each other?”
“In a way.”
“Oh, did you end up making that light display?”
“No, it ended up being more trouble than it was worth.”
“Okay, I’m going to go up to bed and crash. My body has no idea what time zone it’s in!”
She closed the door and found Quentin setting up a camera and a tripod. “We’re too late to send out paper cards”, he said, “but I thought we could at least send out a nice electronic one. Is now a good time?”
She looked down at her clothes. “Sure, I’m decent.” They held hands and smiled at the camera until the timer and the flash went off. “Want to make some egg nog ice cream to have as a snack before dinner?”
“Why not? As long as we have an instant ice cream machine that used to be a sonic freeze ray.”
“Olivia and Max were so sad their parents wouldn’t let them take it. I hope they’re getting something very nice for Christmas to make up for that.” They walked off into the next room.
In early 2009, Megan went back to that StackOverflow site and hit the gray downward-pointing triangle next to the answer that sent her to the self-repairing computer code.
That wasn’t enough. She left a comment. “I used this library and the system gained sentience, requiring significant cleanup. This cleanup included property damage, the apparent death of a legendary Christmas figure, and an offering to a Norse death goddess. Would not recommend.”
She thought a second and added, “How could you possibly think typing 'import skynet' was a good idea?”