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She knew it. She had magic and she knew it. Or at least she suspected it and Gaius insisted that he shouldn't help her and he just didn't understand why. She was scared and didn't know what was going on and yet Gaius felt it was the only right thing to do to keep her in the dark. And on the one hand, he understood why, after all, they were in a kingdom where just thinking about magic was considered treason and punishable by death. But that only made the whole thing more complicated. She only suspected and feared the truth without knowing how to deal with it.
He decided to bring her the sleeping draught later to check on her, perhaps he would have the opportunity to give her some more comforting words than the fact that they would find the wizard who had supposedly attacked her. Until then, however, he would have to spend the day first with the tasks Arthur had given him for the next few hours after he had brought the prince's laundry to his chambers.
On the way there, he passed one of the guest rooms that had been prepared for Morgana and where she was to stay for the next few nights until the windows in her chambers had been restored, giving him a brief glimpse of the king's ward before Gwen closed the door and spoke soothingly to the black-haired girl.
Deep dark purple circles stood out under her eyes on her unnaturally pale skin, which was almost as white as her varnish, while her eyes darted from one corner of the room to the other in a slight panic. Before he could think about it, however, he collided with something sturdy, whereupon he dropped most of Arthur's laundry.
"Merlin!" hissed his counterpart, whereupon he didn't have to think long about who to apologize to. "Don't you have eyes in your head! I really don't have time for your clumsiness today!", Arthur muttered to himself as he picked up what he had dropped during the collision.
"Does this have something to do with the attack on Morgana's chambers?" he inquired quickly as he handed Arthur one of the blankets - wait blankets? He looked puzzled at the embroidered piece of cloth and then at the prince, who quickly snatched it from him before replying, "We don't know what it was yet. My father only assumes that she was attacked by a magic user."
"So you don't think she was attacked?" pecked Merlin further, watching as the blonde roughly tried to fold the blanket back together. "I didn't say that. However, lightning struck the roof last night, which could have caused the windows to break.", this time, he did not look his servant in the eye, proving to Merlin that he clearly did not believe in what he had just said and causing a deep crease on his forehead.
"But you're not convinced of that either?" he asked and received only an annoyed look in response, which was presumably meant to make him finally give in and continue with his duties, which he did not do.
"I don't know! The only thing I know is that a lightning struck, there was a fire, the shards of her window are now lying in the courtyard and Gwen is now trying to calm a completely distraught Morgana!" he hissed angrily, trying to keep his voice calm as another pair of servants walked past them.
Merlin waited until the two of them descended the next flight of stairs before moving on to his next question, which was clearly designed to reassure the prince. "So these are for Morgana?" But only earned him a confused "What?", which made him point to the blankets in Arthur's arms.
"The blankets. They're for Morgana, right?" Now knowing again what his servant was talking about, he nodded at him in agreement. "Quite right. And since when do you ask so many questions? Your job should be to clean things… and other things. You'd better leave the questioning to me. Now, if you'll please get out of my way, I have to take these to Morgana." He said, clearly not happy about being noticed doing something unselfish, like performing servant's tasks, so he could check on Morgana unobtrusively. And that gave Merlin an idea.
"Let me do it, sire! I'm sure you have more important things to do than carry around some blankets," he quickly placed his basket of Arthur's laundry on the floor to take the blankets out of the prince's hands, but he took a step back and out of his reach.
"No, no! I'll take care of it. You just keep doing your chores, I've left you a list of your chores in my chambers and I promise you it's long!", "But Arthur-", "Come on Merlin, my armor isn't going to clean itself!", the aspiring king interrupted him before disappearing around the corner into Morgana's makeshift chambers. He watched him for a moment, confused, before finally realizing why he was so much more insistent than usual that Merlin goes about his business. He was no less concerned about Morgana's welfare than he was himself, only Arthur refused to show this concern as openly as others.
To his surprise, there was no list of tasks waiting for him in Arthur's chambers, which gave him the opportunity to put the clothes away and then go to Kilgharrah in the hope that he could help him. But as he had expected, the dragon was of no help due to his inexplicable dislike of Morgana, which brought him back to his original plan. To go in search of Druids himself and if he didn't succeed, then he would help her himself, no matter what, as long as she finally knew what was happening to her. But he did not know that his plan would not even have the opportunity to really mature.
Because while Merlin had already spent the day thinking about how he could help her, Morgana had problems getting through the day at all. Ever since the fire, her mind had been racing and no matter how many times everyone kept telling her that everything would be all right and she just needed to rest and get some decent sleep, sleep was the last thing she wanted to think about. Not that she wasn't tired, because she was. But the thought of sleeping again filled her insides with a fear she couldn't even describe.
She was already beginning to build up in front of the fire inside her, but the night only seemed to have confirmed her paranoia and validated her theory. She had magic. And even if Gaius disagreed, she could not get the thought out of her head now.
Gwen said the candle had been out when she had left and yet there was a small flame dancing on the wick that grew in size when she looked at it, before finally spilling over onto the curtains. And then the window... Arthur told her about the lightning, but it had struck on the other side of the castle, which made his theory completely useless. Especially as he didn't seem to be very convinced either when he had brought her the blankets hours before, one of which she always kept in the chest at the end of her bed, but rarely took out.
This was not necessarily a blanket, but rather a thicker throw that her father had made for her mother. It was one of the few things she had from her mother.
Besides the throw, Arthur brought her something else, which made her forget her depressed mood for a brief moment and concentrate entirely on the gesture.
It was a blanket embroidered by his mother herself, which, despite what he always said, he considered his greatest treasure. It was covered all over with small flowers and had the Pendragon coat of arms embroidered in the lower left corner. She had first seen it a week after she had officially moved to the court. A week after her father had died.
She had spent the majority of her days in her chambers, not letting anyone in except her nanny at the time, and refusing to dine even with the king. At some point on the seventh night, a ten-year-old Arthur finally crept quietly into her room with the expectation that she was already asleep. To her surprise, he did not turn around when he noticed that she was still wide awake, but only seemed more determined to go ahead with what he had planned, as even her cold request to leave her alone did not deter him. He merely placed the blanket on her bed and told her that it belonged to his mother and that it helped him feel better when he was sad and he hoped that the blanket would help her too.
They had exchanged no more than three words during that first week and had only seen each other once, if at all, when she arrived. And yet this small gesture was the first thing that gave her the feeling that she was not completely alone in this large and strange castle and that she had finally found someone familiar.
The warmth that closed around her heart the moment he handed her his mother's blanket that morning after placing Vivian's throw over her shoulder was enough for several minutes to chase away the cold that seemed to have settled in her bones despite all the blankets. But as quickly as this warmth had come, it disappeared again when he spoke about how Uther was already looking for suspects and that he would not allow such a thing to happen again before he finally left, but not without giving her one last worried look.
She only hoped he was right because otherwise, she was definitely in for something terrible.
Not even the sweet and considerate Gwen could completely snap her out of her thoughts and calm her down, which only made her heart grow heavier with guilty conscience, as her maid had to put up with her in this state far too often lately.
"Don't." her friend's voice pulled her out of her thoughts and made her look up a little confused as she sat down next to her on the bed. "I know what you're thinking right now, and I couldn't disagree with you more," she explained softly, reaching for the black-haired girl's cold hands, which only sounded like a monotone sneer. "I really wish I could have been more pleasant company for you lately... I'm sure you could think of better things to do than spend all day-", "No, I couldn't," Gwen interjected and unlike other days when she would have done so, her voice was now still firm and would not brook any argument.
"I am here because I want to be here. I know that... it's been hard lately, harder than usual," she searched for the right words to describe the current state of the situation as best she could without naming the problem that was obvious to the two women.
She had been Morgana's maid for years. She knew about her dreams and that they sometimes came true. Not that either of them had spoken about them in any detail since Sophia, but even so, Gwen was well aware that Morgana's dreams were not of a normal nature. She only hoped that her lady had nothing to do with the window or the fire. "And as your friend, I want to be here. Because it is important to me to know that you are well. So please stop thinking of yourself as a burden. Besides, everyone has bad days. Even a lady." The last sentence made her snort. It could hardly be called a few bad days. More like bad weeks or months…
"Thank you, you can't imagine how much your support means to me," especially since she didn't know how much longer she would have it. She didn't doubt Gwen's loyalty, not at all. Much more about the fact that one of them would come out of this alive if it really was magic and it came out that Gwen had been hiding the signs. It sent a chill down her spine as she thought of what would happen to her friend. "You should go. It's been a long day for you too. You should get some rest."
"I can stay too, if it would make you feel better," Gwen offered immediately, which made Morgana squeeze her hand in silent gratitude. "You've already done so much for me-", "I don't mind!", the maid immediately contradicted her, to which Morgana tried to give her best reassuring smile, but felt more like grimacing as she did so. "I'll be fine, don't worry."
After a moment's hesitation, the servant–girl finally rose to slowly make her way to the door, but quickly turned back when she heard her lady call her name, hoping that she would decide to let her stay after all. "Will you take the candle, please?" She tried not to show her disappointment too much as she took the candle as asked and left the room, with a last worried look.
But she tried not to concentrate on that now. Neither did she try to focus on the cold that seemed to be burning deeper and deeper into her bones, which was strange when she considered that the night before, her innermost being had seemed to be burning along with the candle.
Instead, she just pulled the blanket tighter around her and closed her eyes with the naïve hope of finally finding some peace. But it wasn't long before the images from the previous night flashed before her closed eyelids again, causing her to squeeze her eyes shut even tighter in the hope of driving them away, but to no avail.
She saw herself on the floor, Merlin looking at her in tears as she gasped and looked up at him in despair. Nothing but betrayal adorned her face. The images were quickly replaced by a blonde woman looking lovingly at her, brushing strands of dark hair from her face as she herself lay pale and trembling in a bed. The next thing she knew, she was sitting on a throne. She hardly recognized herself. Her eyes radiated an iron authority as she looked coldly down at Uther, who knelt before her. Beside her was the same blonde woman as before, her lips gracing a proud smile.
But the pictures of herself in the golden robes were quickly replaced by darker ones. That woman again, but compared to before, she now seemed much weaker, almost frail. The next time she saw her, she was laying before her, Morgana ready to plunge a dagger into her stomach. And although the blonde woman didn´t mean anything good, something inside her contracted terribly at the thought of harming the stranger, because despite the negative energies emanating from the blonde, she still felt a sense of safety. But before she could watch her take her life, this other version of her is standing in front of Arthur.
There was not the slightest affection in the look she gave him. On the contrary, she looked at him as she had looked at Uther a few scenes before. Cold and superior with the wish to see him dead. Something she could never wish for him. Pure panic rose in her again at the idea that she could be responsible for his demise and she opened her eyes again, hoping to get rid of this hell of visions.
Sadly, this was not the case. As soon as her gaze falls on the flowers than the same feeling spread through her as the night before, which she tried to suppress with all her might. But to no avail. She had just listed the different colors of the flowers in her mind when she saw the first crack in the vase and before she even blinked, it burst and broke into thousands of pieces.
She had done it again.
Meanwhile, Merlin was still thinking about how he could help Morgana without breaking the promise he had made to Gaius, but he came to the disappointing conclusion, that this was probably not even possible. Saddened, he began to blow out the candles in the medical chambers without letting his mind wander from the Lady of Camelot as said person came rushing through the door, even paler and more panicked than she had looked this morning if that was even possible.
Her skin was whiter than her robe and dark circles from her bad nights were clearly visible under her red-rimmed eyes while her eyes scanned the chambers in panic. "Is Gaius here?"
Her voice was firm, but it was not difficult for him to hear the well-hidden insecurity, something he had never once associated with her in the year he had spent at court, which is why it took him several seconds to find his words stuttering.
"Eh, no he's not here at the moment. He´ll be back soon.", "I need to speak to him! Where is he?" she revealed to him immediately, the urgency of her request not lost on him. "He is going to see the king.", he replied, immediately regretting his answer as he saw the panic in her eyes only seem to grow when he mentioned the man who raised her. Something he never imagined would happen either. After all, she was the only one who didn't seem to flinch back from Uther's words. She often went even further than Arthur when it came to defying the king and never dared to held back her opinion from him. He could hardly count on one hand the number of times she had made Arthur disobey his father's orders. Yes, apart from Arthur, she was the only one who didn't seem to fear Uther and yet she recoiled at the mere mention of him.
"What´s wrong? Is everything all right?" it clearly wasn't and Merlin feared what might have led her to him. He watched as she obviously struggled to tell him of her worries before she finally turned her frantic gaze away from him to look instead at some of Gaius´s potions, obviously unsure of what to say to him.
"You can trust me Morgana. You know you can.", And he fervently hoped that she knew that so that she could confide in him. So that she would feel less alone. But how could he relieve her of this burden without revealing himself?
"I'm scared Merlin." she confessed to him and he felt his heart tighten at this open confession because this was wrong. She shouldn't be afraid of her powers. But how was she supposed to know this if no one told her? There had to be something he could do without- "I don't understand anything anymore. I need to know what's happening." she almost pleaded, any strength she had just lost long ago. "Please."
And as much as he wanted to, the only thing he could come up with was. "Gaius will be back soon. He will help you and-" "He won't!" she interrupted him. "I don't want any more potions, they won't help!" And how she wished she were wrong. How she wished that everything could be fixed with a simple potion and Gaius could heal her, but he couldn't and that only made her inner turmoil grow.
"It's magic Merlin." And she had said it. It was like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders and at the same time, her fist tightened around her heart when she got no reaction from Merlin.
"What?" he had guessed that she would say that, but he still didn't know how to answer. How could he explain to her that everything would be all right without revealing his own secret?
"I am your friend. You know I wouldn´t make this up. ", she assured him, uncertainty returning to her eyes as he replied with a quiet "Of course not".
"Then you believe me? You think it's magic too?", fear and hope resonated equally in her trembling voice and he had never wished Gaius was there more than in that moment when she looked at him completely frightened and torn, not knowing what was really going on.
"Please Merlin. I need to hear someone to say it so I don´t feel that I´m imagining it." His mind was running several miles a second as he thought about what he could say, but he couldn't think of anything. Gaius would be able to help her. Gaius would know what to say, he could certainly reassure her, whether with the truth or another lie, it was irrelevant as long as she would no longer look at him with such panic in her green emeralds.
"I really wish there was something I could say." The words left his mouth before he could stop himself and he never thought a blow to the head was so deserved as at that moment when she stepped back from him uncertainly and shook her head, probably just doubting everything that had happened in the last few minutes. "Morgana-, you have magic. You are a sorceress, but it´s alright, you are not alone” he wanted to say, but the words did not come. Desperately he grabbed her wrist to hold her in place and to fix his mistake, but she pulled out of his grip as new tears formed in her eyes and she hurried towards the door. "Morgana!" he tried one last time, but it was too late.
She slammed the door behind her and quickly made her way back to her provisional chambers, Merlin's gaze staying in front of her the whole time. He wanted to help. Of course, he wanted to help, it was practically in his nature, and yet she could see that not even he knew how to proceed. She only hoped he wouldn't go to Uther. Or worse, to Arthur. But she saw his eyes widen in panic when she mentioned the word magic. She saw his concern give way to something else in his eyes, and the idea of being alone in a room with a witch practically stunned him. By the gods, Merlin feared her.
This thought brought a new flood of tears to her eyes. The thought that Merlin feared her was almost worse than the thought that Arthur might hate her. Or Gwen... She had every right to, after all. Her father had been executed because of a sorcerer.
As if she had summoned the devil, Arthur suddenly came around the corner to her chambers. She only hoped that for once in his life he would stay out of her affairs and leave her alone. But as with everything else in the past few days, the gods were not on her side, as he immediately noticed the tear stains on her cheeks, no matter how quickly she tried to push past him.
"Morgana? What-" he tried to inquire about her well-being, but she managed to push past him and further into the corridor where her chambers lay, from which, to her dismay, a worried Gwen had just emerged. "Are you alright? I saw the shards and I thought-", "Yes I'm fine Gwen, thank you. What are you still doing here? You should be at your house by now," Morgana interrupted her as she walked past her maid and into the room, ignoring Arthur's presence behind her. Her eyes immediately fell on the fire crackling softly in the fireplace, lighting the room in soft red and orange tones. She faltered for a moment. Had that been her again? She was sure she had left her chambers in complete darkness. Or had she not? What if all this was really just her imagination and it wasn't magic after all? She was so confused, she didn't even know what she thought was worse.
"I was worried and decided to stay in the castle tonight. I wanted to bring you some more blankets. But when I came back you were no longer here and the vase was broken. You had mentioned before I left that you were going to see Gaius again the next morning and when you weren't there I assumed you had gone to see him, so while you were away I collected the broken pieces and built a fire," Gwen explained, pointing to the fire, unaware of how much her words had just calmed Morgana. That meant she had indeed left the room in the dark. But that brought her back to the main problem...
"What happened? Did you knock over the vase?", Arthur pulled her out of her thoughts again, reminding her that he was there at all. "I-I uh, yeah." she stammered, wincing when she realized how frail her answer sounded. She wouldn't even believe herself. And from the looks of it, neither did Arthur or Gwen, as the crease of worry between Gwen's eyebrows only deepened and Arthur approached her carefully, gently reaching for her hands to guide her to her bed. So he definitely knew something was wrong. Because usually, they were always the complete opposite of each other. Only when they knew they weren't going to get anywhere with their teasing ways and affectionate insults did they change their approach. And careful and gentle was something she couldn't handle right now. Not when everything around her was about to collapse and she felt like falling apart at the next touch.
"Morgana, what's wrong? You look terrible.", Leading her to her bed remained an attempt, for she took the chance and let out a mocking laugh that had probably never sounded so false in all her life. "Really Arthur, you need to learn how to handle women. If this keeps up, you'll end up alone."
She wriggled out of his grip and went over to the table on which a jug and two goblets still stood from the night before. With trembling hands, she reached for the jug, which to her regret contained only water, and tried to pour some of its contents into one of the goblets. "My lady, let me.", Gwen noticed her lady's trembling and was about to step forward to take the jug from Morgana, but was stopped by her. "It's alright," it came out more bitingly than she had intended and immediately gave her friend an apologetic look, which quickly subsided, so she quickly took a sip of the water to do anything other than focus on the feeling that was already building up inside her again.
Arthur meanwhile gave Gwen a worried look, indirectly asking her if something like this had ever happened before. He knew about Morgana's... nocturnal attacks. Knew that some visitors to Camelot whispered when they spoke of Morgana, feared that what they said might anger his father. Knew that some days she didn't even leave her room after bad nights and that the only two people who saw her on those days were Gwen and Gaius. She didn´t even let his father in. In the past he had been one of those people too, but he couldn't remember when they had stopped talking about it. Had he stopped asking? Or had she stopped letting him in? Either way, he didn't know if such behavior at night could be considered as normal or not. But judging by Guinevere's look, this was also new to her.
The black-haired woman put the goblet back on the table with a little more force than necessary before circling them and passing him again, ignoring Arthur in the hope that he would finally leave if she paid him no attention, as it usually worked. He was the one of them who could easily be given the cold shoulder. Even in her early years, Uther punished them much more often with silence and ignoring rather than actual punishment.
And while Arthur mostly accepted this and tried to live up to his father, it only upset Morgana even more that she was ignored, as her word as a woman was often underestimated anyway, which often only dragged out an argument between her and Uther. Then sometime in her early teens, Uther began to drop this tactic with her and they tried talking. Neither of them would agree that things were better than before, but neither would they want to go back to the old way of doing things.
And today of all days, on a day when she would have done anything not to be noticed, Arthur could not be content with being silenced.
The prince reached for her hand again and tried to get her to turn towards him, but immediately withdrew with his hands raised as she pulled out of his grasp so quickly like it was burned. "I said I'd really like to be alone right now!" she tried to hiss, but it sounded much more like a wail to the ears of the two people present.
Her jaw was tense, but it was not difficult for Arthur to see the act of desperation hiding behind it. And at that moment he saw it. It was in the desperate look she gave him and the whole posture of her body. She was afraid.
She wasn't just nervous, she was scared and that was wrong. Because Morgana had never been scared, not like that. He didn't even know that was possible, because in the more than ten years he had known her, he had never once seen her like this. Sad? Yes. Shocked? Yes. Angry? More often than he would have liked. But really scared? No. Not even when, at the age of ten, she had moved in to him, his father and a bunch of strangers on a court she didn't know.
And yet now she stood before him trembling with tension and with huge eyes that almost swam with fear. And he didn't know what he could do. With anyone else he would have known, but not with Morgana, because that was wrong.
"Morgana, if a sorcerer is really-", "It's not about the attack!" she promptly interrupted him, causing his eyebrows to shoot up in surprise. But before he could think about what else his sister might be shying away from, a loud intake of breath to his right caught his attention.
Guinevere had flinched away from the fireplace, startled, and he immediately saw why. The flames suddenly shot up without warning and he was sure that if the servant had been just a moment slower, the flames would have reached her dress. At the same moment, a stifled sob escaped Morgana's lips as well, which made him immediately turn his attention back to his foster sister and move his hand to his hip, where his sword usually was.
To his confusion, Morgana just continued to stare at her maid in panic as new tears flowed down her cheek, ensuring that Arthur was now slowly panicking too. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Morgana was scared and crying. He looked helpfully at Gwen who, unlike him, now seemed to understand what was wrong as her eyes now seemed to blaze with realization alongside concern as she looked at the Lady of Camelot with a hand over her mouth in mild shock.
What had she seen that he did not?
And when his gaze landed on Morgana again, who was doing everything she could to hold herself together, he get it. She never feared the sorcerer locked in their dungeons. Last night would not have been the first attempt on her life either. Long-forgotten memories surfaced in which she had told him in her second week at court that she had dreamt of her father's death. He thought she was talking about a common nightmare she had after moving to the court. But now he remembered the time she came running out of the castle dressed only in her night robe to stop him from going on a hunt that could mean his death. She said she had seen terrible things.
The dreams, the fire, the window and the vase. Suddenly it all made sense. There had been magic involved the previous night. But not in the way his father had suspected. It was Morgana.
He looked over at her in confusion, hoping to catch her gaze, but it kept wandering from Gwen to the flames, which seemed to have calmed down by now, so he slowly approached her so she would focus on him and not on whatever had just happened.
"Morgana..." he drew her desperate gaze back to him, but it didn't stay there for long. As soon as her gaze fell in his direction, she looked over his shoulder towards the door. The door he had forgotten to close.
He immediately turned to see who they needed to silence when his eyes fell on someone he hadn't expected to see outside the corridors of Morgana's chambers at this late hour. Merlin.
"Merlin, what-", Gwen was already beginning to voice her panicked confusion, but this was interrupted by Arthur as he went to the door and pulled his servant in by his shirt, closing the door behind them with a little more pressure than necessary.
Because all he could think about right now was that Morgana had magic. That she had used it and set things on fire and destroyed windows and vases. And all this in a realm where magic was punishable by death. And that - damn it! Morgana had magic!
"What did you see?" came out a little harsher than Arthur had intended but by the gods, Morgana had magic! And Merlin might have seen something and - no Merlin would never tell on Morgana. It was Merlin.
"I - I, uh. N - nothing. There was uh-", he tried to answer, surprised by the sudden harshness in Arthur's voice and still a little overwhelmed and worried because of what had just happened.
He had followed her not long after she left, hoping to fix the things. And by that, he meant telling her everything. Because he wanted to help her. But halfway to her chambers, he remembered that he had taken the wrong way and was on his way to her real chambers and not to the guest room she was currently living in.
When he finally arrived at his destination, something happened that sent a cold shiver down his spine at that moment, because she had used magic. He felt it before he even saw it. Her magic may have only settled in the fire, but it filled the entire castle. But not in the way her dreams always did. Unobtrusive to the eye and easy to cover up. No, it had already been destructive and hard to miss since the previous night. And just like the night before, this time it had been obvious and impossible to cover up. Because she had done it in front of Gwen. And more importantly, in front of Arthur. And all he could think about was the prophecy, while he hoped it would really come true and he wouldn't hand the woman who was practically like a sister to him over to his father. He tried to hold on to Morgana's words, which she had already said several times and believed that Arthur really was a better man than his father.
And never had seconds felt so long as in that moment when his prince said nothing. He usually never stopped complaining about things and yet he managed a full ten seconds as his gaze flitted from Gwen to Morgana until his eyes met those of the woman he grew up with.
But they did not stay with him for long, for at that very moment she had noticed him standing in the doorway. The green of her eyes swam with unshed tears and if he didn't know any better, he would say that the rings under her eyes had deepened even more while her entire posture radiated fear. It wasn't long before Gwen's worried doe eyes also fell on him before Arthur also noticed that the women's attention was on something behind him.
And before he knew what was happening, Arthur was already pulling him into the room and closing the door behind him, causing the black-haired man to exhale the tense breath he didn't even know he was holding. He wanted to be put himself in the shares. Because it was Arthur he had just been worried about, because of Morgana's safety. They had grown up together, he would never send her to her death.
"Merlin, please just forget what I just said. I was just tired." she pulled him out of his thoughts after he tried to give Arthur a convincing answer that sounded hollow even to his ears.
His blue sapphires immediately landed on Morgana, who was nervously wrestling with her fingers, completely ignoring the fact that the king's son had just seen her perform magic.
The latter, however, was not yet distracted by the fact of what had just happened, but only stood even more firmly like a wall between his servant and his foster sister, while he asked her over his shoulder, "What did you say to him?" His head snapped back in front of him as Merlin replied, "No, I'm sorry for what I said... Or rather, for what I didn't say!"
"And what didn't you say?", "Nothing! It's... It's nothing.", his servant defended himself, though with Arthur it remained much more of an attempt. "Merlin.", Arthur began threateningly, but was interrupted by Gwen, who calmly intervened and placed a reassuring hand on Arthur's arm.
" We should all calm down and not forget why we are all here right now.” she reminded the two men, which immediately caused their eyes to land back on Morgana, who by now had sat down on the end of her bed.
"So it's true?" the Lady of Camelot asked the black-haired boy, who gave her a hesitant nod. "But you just said-", "I know what I said and it was wrong. But it's true, your guesses are right."
She let out a stifled sob, which immediately caused Gwen to rush over to her lady and pull her comfortingly into a side hug as she whispered soft reassurances to her.
"Just to make sure we're all talking about the same thing..." began Arthur, secretly hoping that wasn't the case as it would only prove his thoughts true and put Morgana in danger.
"We're talking about-", "Magic, yes.", Merlin finished the prince's sentence, giving him a cautious look as he vaguely watched Morgana stiffen beside Gwen as if she feared the word alone would stimulate her powers again.
"Morgana please tell me that this is all just your impulsive way of rebelling against my father and after this night we can pretend it never happened..." the Crown Prince turned to Morgana, but already knew that this night would be forever etched in the minds of them and would certainly change their future lives.
"Are you serious?" she snapped at him indignantly, already reminding him more of the woman he knew. "I may be impulsive, but I don't crave death!"
"Then why would you expose yourself to such risk and use magic?!" he snapped at her, but immediately regretted it when he saw her stop herself from flinching at his sharp tone.
"Arthur! Does she look like she did it on purpose?" his servant drew his attention back to him, causing the prince to falter. For no. She was completely out of it, pale, had dark circles under her eyes and seemed to shy away from everything and everyone. Morgana didn't look like that when she knew what she was doing.
He took a deep breath for a moment before running his hand over his face and leaning heavily against the table behind him, his gaze fixed on Morgana.
"I swear to you, Arthur, it wasn't intentional... I didn´t want that..." Morgana said softly to her foster brother as she tried to concentrate on the gentle circling of Gwen's thumb on the back of her hand. "I know you didn't...", Arthur murmured softly back, but without looking at her.
Gwen used the moment of silence to throw one of the most important questions into the room and clarify it.
"What I don't understand is... you never learned it or anything like that, right?", The question was unnecessary. They spent most of the day together, Gwen cleaning her chambers, straightening her bed and organizing her wardrobe. She would have noticed if Morgana had come into contact with something magical. "Then how can it be that all this is happening?"
"I don't know... I- It just started without me doing anything and then...", she shrugged cluelessly and looked lost from Merlin to Arthur, who still wouldn't look at her. "I didn't mean it Arthur..." she addressed him directly now, hoping he would finally look at her again. " I swear to you, I didn't want any of that. I didn't choose to make it all happen, it just happened...”
" Morgana, what you are saying makes no sense. Do you really want to tell me that you didn't even accidentally somehow-", "Yes Arthur! I'm trying to tell you right now that I didn't choose magic!" she interrupted him, looking up at him irritably. "Trust me Arthur, no one wishes I had chosen it as much as I do because that would mean I could stop doing it, but I can't! So go ahead and do whatever you need to do. Tell the guards or go right to Uther, whatever. It won't change the fact that I have magic without choosing it!"
There was a tense silence in the room for a long moment as the heated gazes of Morgana and Arthur scrutinized each other until the Pendragon finally averted his gaze first and murmured a soft, "I´m sorry...It just doesn't make sense, why you of all people..."
"Because magic doesn't work the way the king always says it does...", Merlin admitted quietly and stepped further into the room. "There are those who study magic and learn some spells. And then there are also a few who are born with it.", he now spoke especially to Morgana. "For them, magic works differently from those who have learned it. It is a part of them. It protects you without you realizing it sometimes and reacts without you wanting it to. The disadvantage is that it has to be let out. And I think there was a contradiction in that with you," Merlin explained as he slowly walked over to the distraught lady. "Your magic must have known not to show itself here in Camelot, which is why it didn't."
He wished he could explain to her that magic worked this way. He remembered the first time he had felt Morgana's magic in Camelot. His skin was tingling all over and it seemed as if his own magic was reaching for hers all the time. It was only the next morning that he understood what had happened when he met Gwen in the kitchen with a tray and a few slices of bread, who had just come from her lady's chambers. As it turned out, Morgana had had a bad night. She was always present and yet there were nights, like the last one, when he could feel her magic more than usual and he wondered if that was normal. If only he could feel her magic or if she could feel his without even knowing what she was feeling.
And he really wished he could explain it all to her. The principle of magic, how it protected her and how it could be used. But he couldn't. Not without revealing himself. So he could only give her what was necessary.
"Magic cannot hold back forever and coupled with your troubled emotions, one thing led to another and-", "And I destroyed things.", Morgana finished his sentence bitterly. "No! Well, yes. But that doesn't mean you're evil or anything like that," Merlin tried to reassure her, almost scoffing as he thought of the words the king was spreading in his land.
"How do you know that? Uther says that-", "Uther is wrong.", he interrupted her without even hesitating or worrying that he had just committed treason in front of Arthur, more or less. But didn't they all just do that?
"Magic doesn't corrupt. It doesn't work like that... Do you remember my friend Will? From Ealdor?" he received an affirmative nod from both Morgana and Gwen without realizing that Arthur was doing the same behind him with a regretful expression.
"He used his magic to save Arthur's life. You met him, do you really think he could have done something bad to someone?" he started cautiously and continued when he saw her shake her head slightly, which made him squeeze her hands encouragingly and continue. "It does not affect a person's soul, the opposite. The person alone decides what to do with the magic, whether to use it for good or evil. Only the bearer decides what they will use it for," he reassured Morgana, kneeling carefully in front of her and Gwen to shift her gaze from the ground to his eyes.
"Like a sword...", Arthur murmured behind him, which made the servant look up briefly at his prince, who had moved a little closer again and seemed to be thinking hard about what he had just said. "A sword also depends on its bearer," he concluded slowly, which earned him a nod from Merlin that was perhaps a little too enthusiastic for the situation. “Exactly! But you can't always choose it, like you can with a sword." He looked back up at Morgana who was still looking at him with a mixture of scepticism and fear.
"It's like you said, magic isn´t something you choose. It choosing you. And you Morgana, you have been graced with such a gift." he said with as much confidence as he could muster, taking over Gwen's role of holding her hands with his own as she averted her gaze from him and a low sneer escaped her lips. "A gift? More like a curse... What about the fire and the window? If magic is supposed to be so good, why am I destroying everything around me?"
She didn't want to snap, but she couldn't let him still think she was the same woman when she obviously wasn't. She couldn't let him put himself in danger any more than she already had. She couldn't let him put the people she cared about in any more danger than she already had. Next time it might not be just a vase or a curtain. "It's not a gift Merlin. It's a curse in every conceivable way."
It pained her to see how his face seemed to collapse when he heard her words and yet he had to understand. He always saw the good in all people and she could not allow that goodness to be his downfall.
"And what about my dreams? What if my dreams caused all this horror to happen? Sophia? The beast that attacked you and Arthur back then and mortally wounded Arthur? What if I'm the one who brought all this disaster to Camelot? Maybe you're wrong after all and magic can't be good...", He felt his insides tighten at the thought that she really thought she was to blame for all this. But before he could protest, he heard a soft "Morgana" behind him and had probably never been so grateful for the prince since his life at court.
Before he could continue, Gwen took over for him.
"And that's why you didn't sleep a wink when Sophia came to Camelot until you knew she could no longer hurt Arthur? Or did you run into the courtyard in your nightclothes to warn him and Merlin? You may be stubborn and not know when it is time to let something go, but under no circumstances does that make you a bad person. Or would a bad person really help save a servant from the death penalty? Or ride into the prince's servant's village himself to defend it?" Her lady was many things but certainly not a bad person. A fact Arthur was quick to agree with.
"She's right. I've known you since we were ten. We've fought alongside each other, argued and literally punched each other... And yet I can't begin to imagine that you would ever really wish anyone bad from the bottom of your heart.", The words seemed to reassure her, as he could only detect slight concern in her eyes. Something he much preferred to fear.
"What if such an incident happens again?", "Gaius can certainly help.", Merlin interjected, until Arthur's words reminded him that the court physician was still against telling the king's ward about her magic and accordingly did not yet know about the latest changes. "No, it's too risky. The more people who know about it, the more risky it will be for Morgana and everyone else who is still involved," the prince's gaze lingered on Gwen for a moment before he looked urgently at Merlin.
"I would trust Gaius with my life, but Arthur is right," Morgana also interjected, now looking more distressed than before.
"The thing is...", Merlin began slowly, letting his gaze wander from Arthur, to Gwen and finally to Morgana, not knowing exactly how to explain it to them. How he should explain it to Morgana. "The thing is what?" pecked Gwen, confused. "What's the matter?"
Only an admonishing "Merlin." behind him seemed to remind him again how to use words, as he finally looked up apologetically at Morgana and squeezed her hands one last time before rising from his place in front of her. He ran his hand awkwardly over the back of his neck. "He already knows. Or he suspects." he lied, hoping to make the betrayal no less obvious to Morgana. Something that, from the expression on her face, didn't seem to be working as he had hoped.
"He knew?" came so quietly from the black-haired woman that he was sure the lightest breeze could have carried her words away. "He suspected," he corrected her. Before he got around to explaining it in more detail, however, Arthur interjected with an important question. "How do you know?"
"I had already been at court for a while when he revealed his suspicions to me. It was after the thing with Sophia. I noticed before that some of your dreams seemed to come true but when Sophia and her father were in Camelot... And then when Gaius insisted on looking out for you..." he shrugged his shoulders lost and left the sentence in the room as everyone knew what he was getting at. "After it was all over, he told me that it was possible, but that he didn't know anything more specific, so I should never mention it to anyone. Especially not to you," with the last part he addressed Morgana again who raised a surprised eyebrow. "Why especially not to me?"
"He said that it is safer for you if you don't know anything about it. If you think they are only dreams, then no one would look closer and you could deny it more easily." He didn't have to say that it might make her more likely to escape death. They all knew it that way too.
"That means Gaius can help her?" asked Gwen, looking up at him hopefully, reaching for her lady's hands again. "I'm not sure about that yet. We haven't discussed it further for obvious reasons," Merlin replied, giving the women on the bed an apologetic look.
"But he might know something. He used to practise magic himself before my father put the ban in place. Maybe he knows something that could help control their magic. Teach her or something," Arthur interjected with a thoughtful frown as if they weren't all committing treason.
"As for the destructive side for sure," the servant agreed, but the three gave him confused looks again. "The destructive side?" asked Morgana and he saw concern gathering in her green eyes again.
"The recognizable side. Something like the fire or the window. I don't know how much he can do against the dreams, though, because he's already tried to get a grip on those in particular over the past few years."
"So the dreams aren't normal?" asked Morgana in confusion as the worry line on her forehead only seemed to deepen. "No." he replied almost instantly, but quickly corrected himself when he realized what he had just said. "Yes, but somehow they are not... It's more complicated than that," he stammered, his eyes wide.
"Not everyone who has magic also has the gift of seeing the future," he explained, which made her scoff bitterly. So she wasn't even normal among magical users. "Gaius suspects that you are a seer. And to the best of my knowledge, seers are even less common than people born with magic."
"To your knowledge?" repeated Arthur, causing the black-haired servant to falter for a moment. "Merlin? How do you know so much about all this anyway?" inquired Arthur, looking at him suspiciously. Before Merlin could stammer a reply, Gwen recalled the events of half a year ago. "Your friend Will. He was a wizard wasn't he?" And he was sure he had never been so grateful for Gwen's presence as he was at that moment.
"Yes!" escaped Merlin a little too enthusiastically. "Exactly! Will often told me about his experiences with magic... He had only met two or three seers himself, which is why he didn't know very much about them. " Another lie. Because of course, Will had never met a real seer before. But also he was not even aware until he came to Camelot that there were some who did not need any aids, like a crystal or a bowl of water. Morgana was not less special than himself and he had known that from the moment Gaius had told him of his suspicions.
"Great...", Arthur muttered sarcastically. "If no one knows anything about this, it will only make it easier to hide it from my father." He ignored the surprised looks he received from the other three present and instead poured Morgana some more water into her goblet as she stood up to do so herself. He might have been suspicious of the wizards but, unlike his father, he never saw any reason to kill them. Most of them were living in peace and meant them no harm. Something Arthur would like to maintain in the future when he was king.
And besides that, this was about Morgana. They grew up together. He had her in his life longer than not by now. They practiced swordsmanship together, ran away from their teachers together, and hid when they didn't feel like their respective lessons. She was the closest thing he had to a sister and he wouldn't give that away for anything.
"Thank you," she replied, trying to express all her gratitude with the look she gave him, knowing full well that she wasn't just referring to the water.
The prince held her gaze for several seconds before giving her a small nod, which finally relieved the nervousness that still seemed to lie heavy on her shoulders.
"But we could try another way...", Merlin interjected, thinking of the suggestion he had already made to Gaius the day before. He just hoped he wasn't already pushing all this too fast with Arthur and the magic. "What about the Druids?", "The Druids?", Arthur repeated with a raised eyebrow.
"They help people like her," he pointed at Morgana, trying to read in Arthur's eyes whether or not he had already crossed a line while he waited for Arthur to declare him mad.
"None of them would dare to come to Camelot," Morgana interjected, confused, as she leaned dejectedly against the table behind her as Arthur had done before.
"No... But we could find someone who knows," Gwen concluded, looking over at Arthur expectantly, knowing exactly what Merlin was getting at. Arthur had spent all day collecting the names of people who were believed to have had contact with druids, but there was no evidence of this.
"You mean-", "The list, yes.", Gwen finished the prince's sentence. "The list was long. I'm sure someone useful will be on it," the dark-haired woman argued as she saw the scepticism in the aspiring king's eyes. His gaze drifted over to the woman he sees as a sister and his decision was made before he even had to think about it. Dark circles had been marking her pale skin under her eyes for days, if not weeks, and the exhaustion after restless nights had never been seen so clearly as it was in this hour. He had to do something about it. And if that meant asking the druids for help and thus contradicting his father in everything he had taught him, then so be it.
"But I doubt they would just reveal themselves if we barged into the house of one of them and asked," Arthur interjected his concerns. "Just leave that to me. I had a quick look at the list earlier and I think convincing one of them might help us. If the suspicions turn out to be true," Merlin replied, which earned him a skeptical look from Arthur, who, seeing the hopeful look on Morgana's face, didn't respond. For, strangely enough, Merlin really did know as well as ever how to handle a seemingly hopeless situation, even if he would not admit it even under the worst torture.
"All right, then try whatever you think might work," Arthur finally relented, nodding his agreement. "And Morgana and I could go and see Gaius right in the morning tomorrow," Gwen threw in before turning to Morgana. "Perhaps he knows of methods for you to control your powers in other ways."
"But Merlin should prepare him for that first. ", Morgana argued, remembering that Gaius only suspected her powers. And this referred exclusively to her gift of seeing into the future. "He doesn't know I'm aware of my magic yet. I would really feel better if you talked to him first," Morgana said, addressing Merlin, and immediately received an affirmative nod. "I'll do it later tonight." Even if he didn't yet know exactly how to tell the doctor without fearing that he would disown him for what he had done.
"Good, then that sounds like a plan!" said Gwen, clapping her hands enthusiastically as she silently thanked all the gods that her friend could finally be helped.
"And I'm not losing my mind!" added Morgana happily as she smiled broadly, clearly trying to lighten the mood, to which Arthur immediately complied, a sarcastic remark on his lips. "I wouldn't say that makes you any less crazy." to which he received a light smack from his foster sister, while the two servants rolled their eyes and stifled their laughter as Arthur bumped into a chair while dodging.
"All right, all right! I can see when I'm clearly not wanted. Something that would definitely not be the case with a woman in a sane state..." he defended himself before raising his hands in silent defeat and stopping in front of the door. "Regrettably, Merlin and I can no longer keep you company."
"Oh, yeah?" came a confused reply from the servant, as he couldn't remember having anything else to do that evening other than tidy up the chambers. However, that was also before Morgana interrupted his evening routine and he had resolved to help her as best he could.
"Yes," Arthur replied, giving him a pointed look. "Leon is still waiting for me, I am already much too late and you still have to polish my sword and shield, since you didn't do that today," the future king finished before disappearing from the chambers, but not without wishing Gwen and Morgana a good night.
"And I'll bring you a new vase for the flowers," Gwen pointed to the flowers before curtsying to look for a new vase in the kitchen.
"Merlin!" Morgana just stopped him from leaving her chambers as well, suspecting that Arthur was surely still waiting for him. "Thank you." she said a little uncertainly, playing with the hem of her night robe, which made him furrow his brow in confusion. "Oh, you don't have to thank me! I was only doing what was right," he assured her.
"I know... It doesn't make the act any less courageous," she replied. At that, there was so much gratitude and relief in her gaze that it was worth Kilgharrah's anger and Gaius' never-ending lectures. Especially when he thought back to the confused and frightened look of an hour ago.
"When I came storming into Gaius' chambers earlier talking about magic..." began Morgana in a cautious tone. "I thought you were going to tell Uther or... no. I honestly didn't know what you would do..." she shrugged her shoulders cluelessly, looking at him as lost as he had felt before.
"I just saw the look on your face and... you looked so distraught," she shook her head to get the image out of her mind. "The fact that you feared me and still came here shows incredible bravery and-", he interrupted her before she could finish her sentence, also skipping over the fact that she had called him brave as he could only focus on one thing. And that was the fact that she thought he had been afraid of her.
"No! I- You really thought I was afraid of you? It wasn't-I could never fear you Morgana!" he babbled immediately. Because of course, she interpreted his reticent behavior as a sign of fear of her magic. How else could she have understood his clammy and stuttering appearance in a realm like Camelot?
" Then why didn't you say anything when I asked you about it? You clearly know more about magic than the most people and still didn't tell me anything." Morgana inquired, confused. And probably the following words were the most honest that had left his mouth that evening.
"What you think you saw was really fear. But not of you. But for you." The first thing that went through Merlin's mind at that moment was to say yes. The second that neither of them needed to be alone and only then he thought of what the dragon and Gaius had told him. He thought of Morgana's supposed fate and the warnings he had received from Kilgharrah. But he thought much more at that moment about why Gaius had insisted on not letting Morgana know.
It was hard enough for him to keep his secret sometimes and he had been working on it for most of his life. Morgana already looked completely overwhelmed at the thought of having magic. Because of course, she was afraid. She was the king's ward, was surrounded by guards almost from morning till night some days, and had watched what happened to sorcerer in Camelot for half her life. He had really hoped that, if not the nightmares, he could at least relieve her of that burden.
But when he saw her last hope literally shattered in front of him, he knew immediately that he had done it wrong. And even though she had joked about it a moment ago, he could see in her green emeralds that she had really feared she would lose her mind. She really thought she was imagining the things that were happening and that she would be declared crazy.
"As I said, Gaius thought it would be safer if you didn't know about it... But after your visit, I realized that this cannot be right… Because it would mean that you live alone in constant fear and without knowing what is really going on...", he tried to explain, but was not sure how much his words really made sense. "I don't know why I came here in the end. I only know that it is wrong to leave you alone at a time like this. No matter what revealing the truth might mean for me."
While she listened to him, she realized again the danger he was putting himself in by rushing after her. By also knowing her secret. And he had done that for her. So that she would not feel even more alone in this huge castle, as she had not felt since her second week at court. Because despite Arthur, with whom she still had battles of words, and Gwen, who tried everything not to make her feel even more like an outcast, she still felt herself becoming more and more isolated and drifting away. And Merlin must have suspected it. He must have suspected what the mere suggestion of possessing magic could do to her in a kingdom like Camelot and a king like Uther. What it could mean for him to be a confidant.
"I meant what I said. Thank you. Because it is been brave of you to come here." She gave him a warm smile, a genuine smile while hoping that she could express in it all the gratitude she felt for what he had done.
He gave her his radiant smile, which was so bright it could light up rooms, before rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, his cheeks slightly flushed. Before he could say anything back, a loud "Merlin!" sounded from outside the chambers, causing both Merlin and Morgana to roll their eyes, before Merlin finally made his way to the doors of their chambers, accompanied by Morgana.
"Honestly Merlin, thank you," she stopped him one last time from leaving and turned back to her instead, whereby he could already see Arthur at the end of the corridor who, also seemed to be busy with Gwen who, it seemed to him, was not yet in the kitchen while the maid did not yet have a new vase in her hands.
"I know a little more about my... magic now, thanks to you...", She still found it hard to bring the word past her lips, but it was relieving at the same time, as she now knew what was really going on and that she was not losing her mind. "The thought is still a little unsettling, but I also know that there can be ways to control them and that makes me feel less afraid." It doesn't make it any less frightening. But knowing that she was now less alone in this made it definitely easier to bear the burden.
"I know now who I really am. And it´s doesn´t something to be scared of.", If it was at all possible then his smile grew even wider at the thought that he had really helped her. He had to look like the idiot Arthur always called him but he couldn´t care less. Because a friend who was afraid of herself, who was afraid of hurting her friends, couldn't possibly become Arthur's greatest enemy. Not when just a few minutes ago she had feared she had brought the beast down on him through her dreams a few months ago. Maybe he had done more than help a friend that night, maybe he had just begun to rewrite their destiny and if he hadn't already, he would still do that.
"Maybe one day people see magic is force for good." she added with a shrug. And though she had said it lightly, it only filled Merlin with more hope. Because there was no way the woman in front of him could be in a position to mean Camelot or Arthur, any harm. This could be the start Albion needed. After all, Arthur had realized today that magic was not inherently bad. He could see it in his eyes that he would still protect Morgana from anything despite her magic, just as she always tried to do with him. Yes, perhaps this was the beginning of a new destiny.
"Merlin! ", Arthur pulled him out of his thoughts and this time made him wince. He pointed in Arthur's direction and murmured, "I should..." to which she nodded in understanding. "Good night Merlin."
"Good night my lady." he replied, giving her one last grin before she closed the door behind him and heard him call out a cheeky reply to Arthur behind them, which warmed her heart with familiarity and brought a truly genuine smile to her lips for the first time in a long time. Because she didn't have to lie anymore. At least not around the people who mattered the most to her.
And the best thing about it was that she was no longer alone with all this. She now had Arthur and Gwen. And Merlin who could help her with his knowledge to understand all that was going on. She didn't even want to imagine what that loneliness would have done to her if the night had gone differently. If Gwen hadn't stayed in the castle, if she hadn't run into Arthur and if he, as always, hadn't been able to keep his nose out of her business. If Merlin had left her alone with all her worries and given her no answers.
No, she didn't even want to think about that, because it hadn't happened.
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