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Chapter Text

The Greeks believed that the soul not only differentiated the alive from the dead but was responsible for all humane virtues like justice and tolerance. 

“Was the victim detective Cha Jiwon?” the tremor in his voice could not be hidden. He had never known fear like this even on the deadliest days. 

“Yes, that's right” the detective replied,

“How is she?”

“She has passed away.” 

His mind suddenly conjured up a memory of spooning with Jiwon in their early days as a couple. They were smooshed together on a small couch in his workshop. Jiwon was already asleep, tired from a day of studying, her head tucked neatly under his chin. With their chest pressed up against each other he could feel Jiwon’s heartbeat as keenly as his. They seemed to beat in harmony. It felt like the rhythm of his heartbeat had changed to match hers. He had believed then that they were connected, in their hearts. Twelve years later he was on the floor of a dingy basement keening like a dying animal because his body had failed him. His heart should have given out the second Jiwon’s had. How could his heart still beat so when hers had stilled? Jiwon was gone and she had taken his soul with him. The sun had swallowed the earth. The love he spent half his life earning was ripped from him. 

As he lay curled up on the ground he felt the bizarre need to claw his way through the concrete, to scrape his way through the earth and rock and cement to Jiwon’s resting place. There was a self hidden under all the skin and muscles and bones. He felt the need to walk right out of his prison of skin and bones and dissolve in her arms. Even in death & rot, he wanted only to be with Jiwon. An eternity with their bones interlocked in the graves was a far lovelier scenario than a dreary half-life without Jiwon. 

When he hunted Baek Hee Song through the woods, a blanket of quiet fell over his mind. What did anything he did matter when Jiwon didn’t exist in the world? Everything he knew about being human he learned from Jiwon. He loved the world because he loved her. With all its hypocritical morality and injustice what right did the world have to exist when Jiwon wasn’t a part of it? There was poetry to his ending though. Do Hyun Soo’s earliest memory was his father leading him out of the woods he was lost in and now his last memory would be following the specter of his father through the woods to commit the atrocities his father had always hoped he would commit. 

It was not hard to channel his rage and loss into violence. It felt easier because Baek Hee Song wasn’t human he was a fiend. He had no right to take up space in the world after ridding the world of his wife. But even as he repeated the lines to himself like a mantra he could feel the hesitation in his limbs when he pressed the knife to Hee Song’s jugular. It would be so easy he told himself. He deserves it. And then he heard it. 

“ Jagiya! ” that word, that voice pierced through his consciousness. 

He remembered the first time Jiwon had called him that. It was the first morning after they got together. He had been thoughtfully making her coffee just the way she liked it. She had dragged herself out of his bed in his shirt, her legs bare, and attached herself to his back. In her sweet morning voice, she whispered jagiya into his ear. At that moment, his life was forever changed. He was no longer just Baek Hee Song or Do Hyun Soo or Do Min Seok’s son or a murder suspect on the run. In the maze of his identities, there was another one added. Jiwon’s jagiya . 

They say that in the end, you remember the beginnings, and perhaps that was why his mind had conjured up this figment of his most desperate yearning. An alive and unhurt Jiwon calling out for him, the same yearning in her eyes, arms extended out to him. A false heaven. Baek Hee Song’s twisted face beneath him was alive with depraved joy about his madness. He stared at Baek Hee Song for a long moment. Baek Hee Song. His replacement. His mirror. A ghost of his untrodden path. He looked deep into those cold, lifeless eyes and knew that he would find no joy in taking Hee Song’s worthless life. Evil begets evil; unless he chose otherwise. Unless Hyun Soo rejected the evil. 

“Come here, come here and hug me” Jiwon’s ghost screamed, her arms wide open for him. 

Ultimately the choice to drop the knife and walk over to Jiwon was not hard. The Jiwon before his eyes may have been a lie but she was the sweetest lie. He would choose an illusion of Jiwon over a thousand other realities. That was his heaven. Hyun Soo stepped into the circle formed by Jiwon’s arms and closed his eyes. He was home. 

When Hyun Soo opened his eyes it seemed like no time had passed since his fight with Nam Sung Gil and the untimely car accident. But he soon realized that 15 years had passed since that night and the world now knew of his innocence. On the flip side, they also knew of his sister’s crime. When he reached for the memories of the incidents that led to this circumstance, he was drawing up a blank. The shock of it all had almost sent him into another coma. When he came about the sun had set and the cop that was on his tail when he woke up was conversing with the doctors in low tones. Slipping something into her pocket, she made her way to his bed 

“Too close” was his first thought. She leaned easily into his space like she had been doing it for decades and brushed his hair back from his eyes. Hyun Soo found himself oddly arrested by her red-rimmed eyes. 

“The doctors want to keep you under observation for at least a week longer. I will accompany you till your discharge” she said solemnly 

Hyun Soo was hardly in a position to rebel against a detective shadowing him. The sooner he recovered and left her behind, the sooner he could meet his sister and figure out how to rescue her from the fate of a prisoner. He nodded warily. 

Without the fear and adrenaline coursing through his veins he truly felt very weak. He could barely sit up or eat on his own without all his limbs struggling from the effort but the over-familiar cop was by his side the entire day. When she leaned into him while helping him sit up some of her hair came loose. The scent of vanilla hit him in the face like a ton of bricks. He felt the bizarre urge to bury his face in that headful of hair and cry for all of eternity. When she gripped his arms to support him it took everything in him to not spring away from her. Everywhere she touched felt like a brand, like a poker in his flesh. 

She even fed him. He was oddly drawn to her lips blowing on the hot food. Did all cops care for the fugitives they were in charge of like this? he wondered. Her hair was coming apart at the crown again. It made him want to tidy it up. It made him want to mess it up more. He was conflicted by the onslaught of thoughts barging into his head. He didn't understand why the proximity of this woman sent his brain haywire. He decided to sleep to evade his thoughts. 

The plan proved faulty. Even in his dreams, he couldn’t get rid of her. He dreamed vaguely of leaning into her welcoming arms and kissing the line of her neck indulgently. When he shook himself awake he was shocked to find his pillows damp with tears. To his right, she had fallen asleep, her fingers loosely curled in his open palm. Perhaps it was an accident. And if Hyun Soo tightened his hold on her hand that was an accident too.

The next day Hyun Soo was more in control of his faculties. He found out that the detective’s name was Cha Jiwon. He found out that he quite loved the name. He also found himself constantly distracted by her large questioning eyes that were sometimes sad, her straight nose, her creamy arms, and that frown he glimpsed on her face sometimes. He found that if she looked at him long enough, his ears would heat up. He found that he wanted her to hold his hand like she did when he was asleep the night before. He found that he felt the incessant need to keep touching the ring on his left hand. Probably some knick-knack he had picked up along the way. 

“Are you married?” he cautiously asked her one afternoon. 

Jiwon stared straight into his eyes for a few moments and a wry smile took over her face.

“Yes,” she nodded, her eyes both sad and happy for some reason. 

“Has it…been long?” 

When Jiwon looked at him, she really looked at him. He didn't remember the last 15 years but even before that, no one had really looked at him like that, like they truly saw him, noticed him, acknowledged him.

“We’ve been together for 14 years” the way Jiwon said it, one would think 14 years was not a long time at all. She said it like no measure of time was long enough with her husband. Hyun Soo heard static in his brain. He tried to imagine some other man kissing the line of her neck like he had done in his dream the night before. Would she blow on her husband’s hot food like she had done for him too? Would she brush his hair out of his eyes as she had done for him? He tried to picture it but drew up short, his chest felt congested from the very thought of it and he didn't understand why. 

The truth came to him in the form of two gossiping nurses. He had been hiding from Cha Jiwon’s perpetually pained eyes when he overheard a conversation.

“But can you imagine living under someone’s identity for 15 years, hiding from the world? Just to protect your sister? What a poor guy.” one voice said

“Don't feel too bad for him just yet. Did you hear that he deceived his wife for 14 years? She had no idea he was a fugitive even though she’s a detective” the other voice replied. Hyun Soo went weak in the knees. 

“I also heard he was diagnosed as a psychopath with no feelings. He completely fooled his wife for 14 years and you know psychopathy can also be genetic. God alone knows what will happen to his daughter. Pity the woman that had a child with a man like that” 

Hyun Soo fell to the ground with a thud. His ears were ringing and his chest felt like it was caving in on itself. He had….he was the husband. He was Cha Jiwon’s husband. And he had….a daughter??? He had a daughter with Cha Jiwon. That ring he kept pawing at was his wedding ring. He could now vaguely recall Jiwon slipping it into her pocket the other day when he woke up. He had deceived her. He had used her for 14 years. When he closed his eyes he could see her kind, pained eyes. He could smell that coconut vanilla scent and feel those warm arms helping him sit up. He had deceived such a woman. He had made a family with her and cheated her and humiliated her in front of the whole world. Hyun Soo felt the bile rise to his throat and ran into the restroom to retch. 

Within the minute, Jiwon was there, smoothing a hand down his back as he hurled into the basin. Even in that mortifying moment, he wanted to lean back into that cool, strong hand. That was the hand he had held for 14 years. That was the hand that had held their newborn child. But in his mind, he could still hear the two nurses talking about how he had deceived her. How he had ruined their child with his demon spawn genes. He sprang away from her, eyes wild and limbs shaking. 

In her eyes, he could see a world of pain and something else. An unnameable emotion he had not recognized yesterday. It was love. He had deceived her and yet she still loved him. It made him sick. He thought of the daughter he couldn’t remember. He thought of all those years he lied to her. He did not deserve that look. He hated it. He hated everything. He wanted it all to vanish. The last thing he saw before he passed out was the ceiling and her solemn brown eyes.

In the weeks that led up to his sister’s trial, he met his wife a few times. She was usually at the doctor’s office with him, anxiously discussing his health with the specialists. It irked him deeply. It irked him when she followed him around and it irked him when she called him “Hee Song-ssi”. He hated knowing that every word she said and every look she gave him was for her husband, a man that no longer existed. But he tried to be pleasant, to keep his calm. 

After he recovered he was able to meet his sister. When they were young, his sister was like a larger-than-life figure to him. She had both their mother’s benevolence and their father’s eccentricity. She was almost like a primary caretaker to him. But now when he looked at her, she looked so small, so helpless. Her brown hair fell lank over her prison jumpsuit. Hyun Soo frowned at Moo Jin clutching at his sister’s hands. It seemed as if nothing much had changed at all in 15 years. Kim Moo Jin was still a flakey fool and his sister still got into trouble for trying to help him. 

“ Noona , you should have just let me handle it. I still can’t remember much of the last 15 years but Moo Jin filled me in on some things. I’m sorry I got you involved. But I will try everything to get you out. Detective Cha Jiwon introduced me to this lawyer and he wants to talk to you about the incident and everything that followed” Hae Soo nodded. 

The next few weeks passed hastily in preparation for the trial to acquit Hae Soo of charges on the basis of self-defense. Bunking with Moo Jin and meeting his sister every other day, the familiar faces made the situation feel more normal but sometimes Jiwon would join the lawyer and an inexplicable itch would materialize in him. A conflicting urge to simultaneously be near her and run away from her. He had tried avoiding her as much as he could after he was discharged from the hospital. Her face had visibly crumped when he decided to live with Moo Jin instead of returning home with her to their daughter but Hyun Soo was good at compartmentalizing and ignoring the things that should not matter to him. Cha Jiwon was one of those things. Thinking about her and being around her felt taxing for his brain. Like he was over-exerting a muscle somewhere. He felt on edge from how comfortable he felt with her. The stress of it was too much for him so they spent most of their time apart.  

When the prosecutor asked him during the trial if he had lied to his wife their entire marriage and if he was incapable of feeling guilt, Hyun Soo instinctually made eye contact with Jiwon. He had tried to avoid looking at her. But she was like a live wire. Trying to ignore her while she was near him was like trying to ignore a raging wildfire. It was impossible to look away and trying was futile. She looked anxious and worried for him. He was suddenly hit with what he assumed was a memory of him telling his sister that he had not loved Jiwon, not even for a second. In 14 years, Jiwon had agonized over him, stood by his side, and was still standing by his side. But he had never truly loved her. It made him physically ill. The moment passed and the jury deemed his verdict useless. Was he truly so incapable of guilt? 

When Moo Jin told him he had sincerely loved Jiwon for a moment he was enthused. Perhaps Moo Jin knew some detail, some factoid he hadn’t remembered. Perhaps it had been a blissful marriage. Perhaps he had never hurt Jiwon after all. But Moo Jin didn't know him after all. Moo Jin couldn’t read him. On waking up he realized that he had an extraordinary grasp on normal people’s emotions in a way he really didn’t when he was 20 years old. He could read them and he could emulate them and manipulate them. He had possibly faked his way through his marriage. The thought of that made him feel empty in a way he had never felt before. 

Later that evening while waiting for Yang Jin Tae in front of his apartment, Hyun Soo found that Jiwon loved the rain. Hyun Soo was still internally lamenting about having to replace the wedding ring he was uncomfortably dependent on when it suddenly started to pour. There was an innocence to Jiwon, to the way she pushed her hand out to catch some of the raindrops, to the involuntary smile blooming on her face. Jiwon had a helpless sort of smile. It took over her entire face and it made the other party feel helpless too. Hyun Soo found his lips bunching up in a pale impression of her smile. 

Abruptly he remembered his past self calling Jiwon “easy to handle” because Jiwon only believed in what she saw. He had taken advantage of this very innocence. It made him want to run away from her, to save her from himself. He remembered how he felt when she had accidentally called him jagi  in the car earlier. It felt like a bird had unfurled its wings in his chest cavity. He felt his ears heat up at the mention. His heart abnormally behaved and skipped a beat. Jiwon had called his past self that way every single day for years and he had still found it in himself to betray her trust. Did a person like him deserve Jiwon’s unending patience? 

He knew he was being cruel by telling her his feelings remained the same even if his memories had disappeared but it was closer to the truth than he cared to admit. However, he had to warn her that her grace was wasted on him, that her love for him was undeserved. He wanted her to know the full extent of his wickedness. He wanted her to stop searching for the man she loved in his eyes. He wanted out of their sham of a marriage. 

In the end, the absence of faith weighed heavier than the presence of it. Hyun Soo's inability to believe in his love ended their 14-year-long relationship in one single conversation. It will be like she never existed, Hyun Soo told himself as he walked away from her car, wiping uselessly at his wet face. Out of sight out of mind, he repeated to himself

He was wrong. 

Over the next few weeks, he grasped the full extent of all the habits engraved in his bones, the habits he didn't remember. No matter where he slept on the bed when he woke up he always woke up on the left side, facing the right side, hands reaching out to touch the silhouette of someone that was no longer there. A sinking feeling in his stomach made an appearance every time he woke up on his cold bed, alone. 

When he made rice he put out an extra bowl even when he was eating alone. He obsessively bought egg tarts and filled the refrigerator with them much to Moo Jin's alarm. He spent two weeks making rings of the same size with the same material and the same weight but none of them worked. He kept making blunders. Like a child with a missing tooth would prod at the empty space, he spent every minute anxiously feeling for the ring. Within the month his hands were littered with scrapes and cuts. It drove him insane

He had no impression of their daughter. Jiwon hadn’t brought her to the hospital and he had refused to look at any picture of her. He felt a boulder on his chest whenever he thought of his child somewhere on the other side of the city. He wondered who she looked like. What did she sound like? Did she cry a lot? Perhaps she laughed a lot. Had she liked him? From his talk with Jiwon, it seemed like the two of them had been rather close. But what did that matter? Hadn't Hyun Soo himself been close with his father? Had he not looked up to him? He tossed and turned every night thinking about the family he had left

He dreamt of Jiwon every night. One night he dreamt of curling up on the couch with her with the sound of the rain in his ears and the scent of her shampoo in his nose. The next night he dreamt of them at an expensive dinner as she slid her foot up his leg like some Bond girl. In the dream she was a few years younger, her eyes sparkling with mirth. The next night he dreamed of a very pregnant Jiwon waddling around a house yelling at him. The night after that he dreamt of them in bed. Even in the dream, he was intoxicated by her. He was obsessed with the insides of her wrists and the curve of her calf and the jut of her hip bone and the calluses on her hands and that mole on her neck. When he woke up he was panting into his pillow, his eyes wet. He belatedly realized he missed her. He missed the flutter of her lashes and strength of her arms and the warmth in her eyes. He missed every minute detail. The intensity of it scared him. For all he knew, the dreams weren’t even memories, just fantasies, just wishful thinking. And that scared him even more. 

Over the weeks, he realized that he craved validation. He wanted to know for certain that he had cared for Jiwon, at least the slightest bit. That way he could look her in the eye and not feel the full extent of that crushing self-hatred. He looked for answers everywhere but he couldn't find them. 

One afternoon he ended up in the most unexpected place:  Oh Mi Ja's visitation center. As an objective third party with no stakes in their relationship perhaps she could give him some idea about what he felt for her. He had no memory of her. Just snippets from the investigation and a blurry picture in a news article but when she walked into the room, he snapped straight and felt the need to address her as his mother. She still carried herself like she belonged to the aristocracy. When her hollow eyes landed on him, Hyun Soo knew that she was not someone not worth trusting but that he wanted to trust her. But he felt stupid even as he asked her what she thought about his relationship with Jiwon. 

She gazed steadily at him for a quiet moment 

"You despised every second she spent with my husband and I. At first, I thought you didn't want to be caught in your lie. But over time I realized….you deeply cherished her" Mi Ja's face was pained for just a moment. 

Hyun Soo walked out of the prison in a daze. Had he cherished her? Had he? Of course, he had. How could anyone not cherish Cha Jiwon? Kind, lovely Cha Jiwon. In his daze, he got on the wrong bus and ended up somewhere far away. But his feet seemed to be carrying him somewhere. Even if his mind didn't remember this place, his body remembered it. 

He found himself under the awning of an old building. In that moment something like magic gripped him. He could almost hear thunder, almost feel the pitter-patter of raindrops against his skin. He could almost see the profile of a young Jiwon, brushing raindrops out of her hair poutily. 

"It seems like you're the only one that doesn't know you like me" she teased but her eyes were ever so sincere. In his mind's eye, he could see his young self smile as Jiwon smiled, smile because Jiwon smiled. A sinking disappointment filled his stomach. He had made the wrong choice by running from her, hurting her. Somewhere in him, he felt with certainty that he would miss her forever if he let her go. Missing someone, wanting to be near them, thinking of them constantly….that could be the beginning of a new love. She had known it but he had not. Even then. Even now. He felt foolish. He felt the urge to find her and tell her that he had been wrong. He had been wrong to give up on her, on them. He had been a coward. He wanted to beg for a chance to repent. 

A few hours later he found himself in front of a workshop. He had given overtly specific details to his realtor and she had had a difficult time finding anything similar to what he asked for but here this workshop was and it was exactly the way he wanted it. 

In a haze, he moved through the workshop. Somehow he knew there was a dent on the side of the table, that the paint had chipped off on the back wall, and that there was a basement to the right. He knew instinctually where all the tools were placed. He knew that he had changed the settings on the chair for lumbar support. Somehow he knew everything about this space. He noticed a stack of books on the table and out of curiosity, started reading them. He recognized his handwriting offhandedly. The entries in the books all seemed to revolve around a single, unnamed subject. About the movies she liked and the things she hated. About what made her laugh and what made her cry. He knew he had written those about Jiwon the same way he knew humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. 

Reading through his journals he thought to himself if he was truly so different from all the other people in love. He remembered that when he was young, Moo Jin had lied and told his sister he loved the same crime novel she did despite never having read it. Hyun Soo had also told Jiwon his favorite movie was it's a Wonderful life despite not really liking it. Was he really so abnormal? So incapable of feelings? Wasn't he just like everyone else when it came to Jiwon? 

He had an abrupt recollection of a memory, the memory of the day he first walked into this workshop. He could hear a very pregnant Jiwon puttering about in their apartment above. She was really beginning to show and the pool of clothes that fit her had reduced with every month. She'd spent the morning whining about it to him as he washed her hair for her. That noon he was supposed to settle on a name for the workshop. He'd gone through many options but settled on "where the rising star stays" 

He thought of Jiwon that morning with her head tipped back so Hyun Soo could rinse her scalp, face alight with the pregnancy glow. Her forehead was wet and droplets were clinging to her lashes. In the sunlight her hair was a mahogany brown with hints of auburn and her eyes when they opened were gold. She was beautiful. Like a goddess. That was the train of thought that had led him to the name. A goddess of beauty married to a metal craftsman, the answer had been right there all along. 

In the years that passed, Hyun Soo refused to tell Jiwon what the name meant. Perhaps even with his inability to recognize his feelings at the time, he felt too vulnerable to disclose the fact that he had named his workplace after her, after his unending commitment to her. 

Jiwon interrupted his train of thought when she walked in. She looked good. She seemed to have lost weight. He had dreamt of that face every night incessantly. He had wished for it to stop but prayed it wouldn't at the same time. And here she was in front of him. If he took five steps forward he could touch her. Could he? Would he? 

Hearing her say she would leave was more painful than getting stabbed in the chest by Nam Sung Gil. He had been too foolish & had only just realized his true feelings. How could he let her go now? He took the five steps he was afraid of taking and moved closer to Jiwon. His heart in his mouth he made her a promise

"I will love you even more from now on. I will really treat you well" Jiwon blinked up at him questioningly like she recognized the words. Perhaps they were familiar words. Words he could not forget even if he forgot everything else. 

When Jiwon slid that ring onto his finger he felt complete. For weeks he had been making silly mistakes while working and hurting himself but it was not just his work that was affected by the absence of his ring. It was life. He stumbled over plain linoleum, he dropped bowls in the kitchen haphazardly, his toe knocked into furniture. When she slid his ring on, he felt like he was breathing deeper, like a missing appendage was reattached to his body. 

When he kissed her he finally knew. He knew the answer to all the questions he had been asking himself since he woke up. He had married a detective risking his cover and his safety because of this. He had taken a bullet to his head for her because of this. It was like a thousand volts of electricity shot directly into the center of his being. It was like being in the core of the earth and burning alive. It was everything. She was everything. God was in the flick of her tongue. Music was in the brush of her lip. Art was in the scrape of her teeth. He died and came alive in her arms with every kiss. This was life. This was real. When she opened her eyes he could see the doubt in them. Doubt that he truly wanted her, their marriage, and their family. He vowed silently to work his hardest to erase that doubt, that fear from her eyes. 

Hyun Soo saw his little girl for the first time in the giant portrait in their living room. She had inherited his deep-set eyes and Jiwon’s pert nose. Their perfect child. Had he disappointed her too? When Jiwon told him that her favorite food was egg tart he burst out laughing. He finally realized why he was obsessively buying egg tarts and filling Moo Jin’s fridge with them. Jiwon and he discussed their relationship going forward. Should he meet Eunha? Should he move back in or wait for his memories to come back? Eventually, he decided that he didn’t need his memories back to be Jiwon’s husband or Eunha’s father. Whether as Baek Hee Song or Do Hyun soo, memories or no memories, he wanted to be a part of their lives

That didn't mean he wasn't nervous though. He was meeting a daughter he hadn't seen in months and had likely disappointed with his absence. He did not have a single memory of her. He almost flaked a few times on the way but he kept going because he wanted to see his daughter, at least once. 

When he heard her scream appa and run to him he dropped to his knees involuntarily like a reflex and stretched out his arms. Maybe he had done this a million times. She was as perfect as he imagined. She smelled like baby powder and candy and she smiled just like Jiwon. He felt an overwhelming affection for her. He still had trouble thinking of himself as a father but for her, he would try his best. With Jiwon and Eunha both in his arms, he was finally happy, his heart felt free in a way it hadn’t all his life. Here were two people that unconditionally loved him and accepted him as their own. Do Hyun Soo was finally home. 

Chapter Text

Do Hyun Soo had overslept. When he woke up it was to the strange angle of the sunlight hitting his eyes. He knew even before squinting at the bedside table clock that he was late. Living with Kim Moo Jin had made him lethargic he decided as he pushed his feet into his slippers and walked out into the living room. Even in the morning light, the space lacked the warmth it did with Eunha and Jiwon in it. He had overslept so they had left and taken all the warmth in the house with them. Do Hyun Soo had just missed his daughter’s first day at a new school. He was failing as a father he thought as he quietly sunk into the cool cushions of the couch. 

It had been a month since Hyun Soo reunited with his family. During this time Jiwon and he had extensively discussed their possible move to Busan. 

“I can do metal crafting anywhere. I don't mind if we move. I’ll come with you” Hyun Soo had told her. 

Jiwon was tucked into the couch, her mouth a thin line. 

“Yet again I'm making you drop everything to follow me. How original” she sulked

Hyun Soo observed the downward slant of her lips and frowned. “Why exactly do you want to move anyway? Help me understand” 

Jiwon straightened up, her features darkening. 

“I….I’m scared. I’m scared of living here. I didn't want to admit it but he has scared me out of my own house. Every time I walk past Eunha’s door all I can imagine is her crying face when she opened it that night. Your sister’s blood was still drying on our floor. It’s not just about the house. It’s also about work. I feel they all look at me differently than before. The official story is that I knew nothing about your past or your real identity but I don't think anyone bought it. Or maybe I'm suffering from guilt because I did lie to them. I feel like I don't fit in there anymore”

Hyun Soo mulled over her words, Guilt, fear, avoidance were all his long-term companions even though he had only recently begun to identify them. If Jiwon was facing them should he not face them with her?

“If Eunha is fine with moving, we should move. I understand. You made the right choice” 

Jiwon smiled and rubbed a thumb over his knuckle. 

And that was the end of that. Eunha and Hyun Soo agreed. It took a while to figure out the logistics but within the month, the moving truck was filled and ready to go.

And now he had missed Eunha’s first day at the new school like the terrible father that he was. 

The mishaps kept occurring. One time he added vegetables Eunha didn’t like into her lunch. She returned home hungry and fuming as she had refused to touch her lunch. Jiwon scolded her for being finicky and stubborn but Hyun Soo felt deeply ashamed. Another time he gave her juice with pulp in it which made Eunha vomit her breakfast. Yet another time he bought her the wrong nighttime book and upset her. Each strike was a mark of his failure as a father. It all came to head one Saturday when Hyun Soo was drying Eunha’s hair. Perhaps he had turned the heat on too high or pulled on her hair wrong so Eunha burst out crying. Hyun Soo fell backward, a reel of all his failures rushing through his mind. That’s how Jiwon found them that evening, Eunha crying profusely, Hyun Soo curled into himself at an unnatural angle sweat seeping through his clothes, and the hair dryer still running. Jiwon quietly extricated Eunha from the floor and sent her on to her room after a whispered conversation. Then she shut the door. 

Jiwon neared Hyun Soo like she was approaching a wounded animal, cautious but sympathetic. His wife’s face was a blur when he looked up at her. Hyun Soo offhandedly realized that perhaps he was crying. 

“You should have gone after her. She cried so much and I just let her cry. You should be with her right now” he told her shakily.

Jiwon peered at him with the same clarity she had every day since he woke up in the hospital and gently wiped his tears. 

“I just told my daughter that her father needed me more right now. She understood” Jiwon had a way of saying the most earth-shattering words in the most casual tone. Hyun Soo felt his eyes fill up as Jiwon pulled him into a hug. 

While he cried with his head pillowed on the crook of Jiwon’s neck he thought back on all the places he’d been. The childhood home that he had escaped, the small room he had shared with Nam Sung Gil, even Kim Moo Jin’s spare bedroom. Jiwon’s embrace felt more like home than all of them combined. 

Jiwon’s face was no longer a blur when he pulled away from the hug. Her hair was pulled back like it usually was for work. her ID was still around her neck and worry made a home in her eyes. Hyun Soo suddenly felt embarrassed for acting more childish than their daughter and worrying Jiwon.

“I’m sorry. I overreacted. I should go check on Eunha” he said as he got up.

Jiwon pulled him back down and cupped his cheek. He leaned into her palm with unfettered desperation.

“Hyun Soo-ssi….. You just had a panic attack. I know your therapist has been going over all this with you but she has been going over this with me too. You don’t have to downplay your feelings. Do you want to tell me what happened?” her voice was serious

Hyun Soo stared at the family photo on the wall, his eyes prickling again, and stayed quiet for a while.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know a thing. I keep messing up. I’m a terrible father. The worst part is I’m competing against myself. When Eunha looks at me I can almost hear her thinking ‘what happened to my father? Who is this strange man who keeps messing up?’ I want so badly to be a good father like I was before but it's a daily battle that I’m losing” 

Jiwon affectionately smoothed a finger over Hyun Soo’s cheek.

“One time I forgot Eunha at home. I got an urgent call from work and you weren’t there. I was supposed to call my mother or drop her off at the daycare but I rushed off to work and left my infant daughter all alone at home. Another time I forgot to pick her up from daycare. She was there all evening. We had to move her to another facility because I was too ashamed to go back there. You weren’t always the perfect father either. You were so drowsy once that you forgot to check the temperature of the milk before feeding Eunha. She cried all morning as you held her and apologized over and over again” 

Hyun Soo blinked apprehensively as Jiwon continued

“What I’m trying to say is that we’ve all made mistakes. I have and so have you. So has every parent on our planet. But what matters is that we still wake up every day and try to be the best parent we can be. Not the perfect parent, but the best parent we can be. You’re doing just that. You’ve been doing that all these years. You’re the best father I could want for my daughter. I’m so happy that you chose to come home despite having your doubts about whether or not you’d be able to adjust. You’re doing great. I’m thankful you chose our family and continue to choose us daily. Thank you.” 

Hyun Soo crushed Jiwon to his chest. His heart felt close to bursting from all he felt but couldn't say. Jiwon had a way of taking one look at him and pulling him apart at the seams. 

Later that evening Hyun Soo warily approached Eunha who was sitting quietly beside the window. The silence was not well suited to his daughter. He would never forget the first time he saw Eunha’s picture after he woke up. He’d clutched onto the family photo till his knuckles whitened and cried himself hoarse. The first thought that came to his mind was how much she looked like Jiwon. 

There was something of Jiwon in the stubborn set of her mouth, in the way she sniffed and turned away from him. It made his heart ache. He wondered if it ever stopped feeling like a novelty to see your own eyes in your daughter’s face. He had felt the euphoria of creating something with his own two hands before but to create life with Jiwon?? To see pieces of Jiwon and himself in their child?? The novelty had not died down yet. 

“Eunha….You can tell appa anything you want. Even if you’re angry, or sad, you can’t keep it a secret. You can tell appa” Hyun Soo prompted her. 

Eunha was just a child, just a baby but when she cried and told him that she overheard her grandma tell her friend that Hyun Soo didn’t remember her or her mother, there was so much pain in her voice, Hyun Soo had spent the last few weeks trying to tamp down the self-loathing he felt but for a moment he felt it rise like a wave inside him, blurring everything else. How much he had broken his daughter…..she was just a baby and she was forced to be understanding of her father’s amnesia. She had been carrying this pain inside her secretly for weeks. Hyun Soo wondered not for the last time if he would ever be able to make amends for all that he put his family through

“Appa…do you really not remember Eunha?” she asked him in his small voice. 

Hyun Soo turned away from her and felt his chest tighten. 

“Before I came back home, I was living with your uncle Kim Moo Jin for a while. Every day I woke up and took the bus to a bakery far away from his home. I didn’t know where I was going or why, but I went there every day and bought myself an egg tart. I could not eat it. Every single day I bought an egg tart. Soon, uncle Moo Jin’s fridge was filled with egg tarts. I didn’t understand who or what I was buying it for till I spoke to your mom about it. They were for you. They were all for you. I bought you a fridge full of egg tarts, Eunha” he took a deep breath to compose himself and wipe off his tears. 

“Appa is sorry about not telling you the truth. Your grandma is right. Appa doesn't remember a lot of things after he got hurt. But I never forgot you. My mind did not remember but my heart remembered. You are still and will always be appa’s favorite person in the whole world" 

When Eunha hugged him, a sliver of a memory of holding an infant Eunha rushed through his mind. It was not very different he thought as he hugged her back. She would always be his little girl no matter how old she got. 

Chapter Text

Wooing your wife was a delicate art. Usually dating and romance were a prelude to love and marriage but Hyun Soo was already there. He was already at the destination. It was the journey he failed to recall so now he was in the process of retracing his steps. 

Hyun Soo found that his wife loved classic Hollywood films so their first date was a marathon of all of Jiwon’s favorite movies. Two and a half movies in she had fallen asleep on Hyun Soo’s shoulder, her beloved face tucked neatly in between his neck and shoulder like it was always meant to be there. She was close enough for his breath to stir her hair if he turned to her. The proximity made his palms itch with anticipation and anxiety and something unnamable. The right thing to do was probably to rouse her from her nap and let her sleep in her bed, but Hyun Soo found that there wasn't a single cell in his body willing to move from his deeply uncomfortable position. He was no longer the 20-year-old he remembered being so he quickly developed cricks in his back and neck but he held on. 

He didn't know when he had fallen asleep but the sunlight was streaming in through the windows when he opened his eyes. Jiwon had shifted from his shoulder to his lap. A lapful of Cha Jiwon was certainly a sight to wake up to. Her hair had come loose again (her enmity with rubber bands was everlasting, they detested her and refused to stick around) in sleep her face was devoid of all stress, not even a frown marred her face. Hyun Soo stared at her peaceful sleeping face for a while, his heart twisting in his chest. He wanted to protect that peace, that serenity she felt in her sleep. He wanted to keep it in all her waking moments. He felt the crushing urge to caress her hair so he spent the next hour carding his hand through his wife’s hair. 

Jiwon was slow to wake up. She was a sight to behold in that state. Eyes half open, arms reaching out for him, concealed yawns and bedraggled hair as she settled her sleep-warm body into his like she was unwilling to leave his side. He mentally asserted that he was far more unwilling to part than she was. 

“It is only 7:30. Do you want to sleep some more?” 

Jiwon let out a few non-committal hums and pushed her face into his chest. Hyun Soo’s heart felt full to the point of bursting. 

“Don’t sleep on the couch detective. You should go to bed” 

Jiwon shook her head “I don’t want to walk right now. Carry me to bed” 

The aches from sitting all night were starting to make themselves known but he had a mission now. Jiwon glanced up at him blearily as he stood up

“What are you doing?” she asked him. 

Hyun Soo was not a man of words but of action. He swept her clean off the couch and into his arms. Jiwon let out a stunned squeal and clung to his neck. 

“Hyun Soo-ssi I was just joking please put me down!!”

“We’re almost there. It’s no trouble, detective” 

Hyun Soo dropped her onto her bed as gently as he could but before he could turn around to leave Jiwon caught his wrist

“Hyun Soo-ssi, I was in your arms a second ago at least now will you stop calling me detective?”

Hyun Soo dropped his knees to the floor next to her bed, her hand still around his wrist. 

“How about Cha Jiwon-ssi?” Jiwon pouted at that but hummed in defeat.

“Did you know that once a very long time ago I asked you to carry me home? You looked at me like I had lost my mind. You refused of course. It took me so much effort to seduce you Hyun Soo-ssi” her thumb was tracing a comforting pattern over his wrist in an absent-minded fashion. 

Hyun Soo imagined a younger Jiwon angrily pouting at him for refusing to carry her home and felt the corners of his lips pull up on their own. 

“Ah, what a foolish man to refuse such a kind offer. I share none of his reservations. I will always carry you home Jiwon-ssi” Jiwon smiled at him even as her eyes fluttered sleepily. Soon she would be lost to her dreams but Hyun Soo’s dream had come true. A date with Cha Jiwon. 

For their second date, Jiwon wanted to go to pottery class together but it was quickly obvious that Jiwon had no interest in actually learning the first thing about pottery. She simply wanted to imitate a famous scene from one of her favorite movies and that's how Hyun Soo ended up with his back to Jiwon’s chest and her arms around him in pottery class on a perfect Saturday evening. There was something exhilarating about having Jiwon’s delighted giggles in his ears and her warm hands around him. And who would fault Hyun Soo if he let Jiwon press an excited kiss onto his cheek? If he leaned further into her arms? If he took her clay-covered hands in his and slotted his fingers in between hers? 

They rarely had the time for full-fledged dates like these as they both worked round the clock and spent the rest of the time with their daughter but they talked all the time. In the quiet hours of the morning before Eunha woke, in text messages sporadically throughout the day, in the midst of cooking for dinner (Hyun Soo cooking, Jiwon doing a solidly mediocre job of assisting), in the looks they exchanged across the dinner table in between bites and conversations with Eunha, in the moments after Eunha falls asleep till sleep lured Jiwon away little by little. Constantly. Hyun Soo was always with Jiwon. Or thinking about Jiwon. Or both. 

There seemed to be no need for the fanfare of elaborate dates when there were so many things to love about the everyday humdrum of life. Hyun Soo’s favorite part of the day was putting on his apron before cooking dinner. Jiwon initially used to come home right before he began preparations for dinner so she generally didn’t have time to help Hyun Soo. But recently she’d been coming home 20 minutes early. Then she would help him in the kitchen. It was almost a ritual. Jiwon would snag the apron off the hook and usually crowd him into one of the aisles so she could put the apron around his neck. Then Hyun Soo would step into her arms so she could tie it up behind him. Jiwon’s hands around his waist, the smell of her shampoo in his nose, her ear against his chest like she was listening to his heartbeat were all the reasons this moment was his favorite. But there were so many other great moments. 

Jiwon sitting on the aisle while Hyun Soo cooked, chatting his ear off and eating something Hyun Soo definitely wanted to add to the dish (last time it was carrots)  or washing dishes together. Sometimes when he passed a dish onto Jiwon their hands would meet and if Hyun Soo locked their thumbs together just for a second that was for no one to know. If he felt the warmth of her hand through the latex dishwashing gloves he simply ignored it. Sometimes he splashed bubbles at Jiwon just to hear her squeal. In all his years of working at a restaurant, he never knew dishwashing could be such a thrilling experience. 

He also loved putting Eunha to sleep. He loved watching her eyes get droopy as Hyun Soo read her her favorite story. Or perhaps he loved Jiwon’s eyes on him as he read to Eunha. He could feel them on the back of his head. Jiwon loved to stand at the door and watch the two of them and Hyun Soo could always feel her presence in the room as keenly as he felt his joints flex when he moved, like an extension of his body. 

Most of all he loved the way Jiwon looked at him. Like she saw through the flesh and bone and sinew into the deepest, softest corners of his soul. He remembered the life he lived before her.  his time at his home with his sister and father and all the years of being a vagabond after he left home. His father only saw what he wanted to see, the heir to his twisted empire of bones. His sister only saw her little brother suffocating under the ever-watchful eye of the village folk. And then he had been on run, trying to blend in so well that no one ever saw him again. But Jiwon saw him perhaps for who he truly was. Not a psychopath’s son, not a willing victim of his sister’s crime, not even her amnesiac husband. With her he just…..was. No one had ever looked at him the way she did. No one had ever cared about him the way she did. Perhaps that was why Hyun Soo let it slip when Jiwon called him jagi the first time in many months. Perhaps that was why he let it slip when she continued to call him jagi . And no one had to know if he called her Jiwon-ah in the confines of their home.

“Ah Jiwon-ah will you pass me the rice cooker?” he asked her one day. Jiwon paused only for a split second before smoothly handing the rice cooker to him with a smile. If Hyun Soo continued to call her Jiwon-ah after that smile no one would blame him. That would be just alright. 

Chapter Text

THEN

Hyun Soo was driving. He was driving away from Jiwon. He wondered why he felt like his chest would cave in. He had been caught, yes but with Jiwon’s help he could escape, and he could start a new life somewhere far away, perhaps under a different identity. He had done it once and he could do it again. And yet with every mile he put in between him and Jiwon, he felt a bit of him curl up and die inside. He had suspected that Jiwon knew his true identity but he had tried to dismiss it so he could focus on the task at hand. He had been right in the worst way, caught red-handed at the worst moment. He reached inward to find relief, relief that he had gotten away, relief he didn’t get arrested, but all he found in him was this stranger emptiness. 

They say that when death comes for you, your life flashes before your eyes. This must be death then, Hyun Soo decided. In his mind’s eye all he could see was Jiwon, the life they had built together, their love, their marriage right up to it's bitter end. Even in that last moment when she was yelling at him to leave, all he could think about was kissing the corner of that mouth he had kissed every night and day for 12 years straight. All he could think of was treating her injuries and tucking her into bed and then curling up next to her to watch her until sleep took him. All he could think about was that moment of dread when it seemed like Yeom Sang Cheol might actually kill Jiwon. If he left now every second of his life would be that singular moment of dread. 

He had always lived with the belief that Baek Hee Song couldn’t exist without Cha Jiwon. She was intrinsically a part of his cover. Now he realized that it was Do Hyun Soo who could not live without Cha Jiwon. At some point in their relationship, he didn't know which, he had stopped being Baek Hee Song, he had just been Do Hyun Soo. Perhaps he had been Do Hyun Soo with her all along. They had been Do Hyun Soo and Cha Jiwon all along. When he reached into himself, he realized that Jiwon existed inside him. In every nook and corner of his dark soul, there were fragments of her. No part of him had escaped intact. There was not a single place inside him that she had left untouched. If he left, he’d think of her every time he opened his eyes to the sun. He'd think of her every time he turned on the stove. He’d think of her every time he lay in bed. He’d think of her with every breath. And then he’d waste away with her name on his mind. As his car skid to a halt, he realized that there is no Hyun Soo without Jiwon. And then he saw her climb out of the taxi ahead of him. 

He had the oddest flashback as he limped his way toward her. He thought of the spring of 2015 when Jiwon was pregnant with Eunha. One night they had been watching some romantic comedy and Jiwon commented on the wedding scene, lamenting that she hadn’t worn a veil on their wedding day. Hyun Soo, 4 beers down, endeared, suggested they hold another wedding ceremony in their living room so she could wear a veil. 

Jiwon's face had been bright red and rounder in the cheeks from the pregnancy weight, her brown hair was piled on top of her head to which she'd pinned the make-do veil. Hyun Soo’s hand slipped to her hips the second she reached him. 

"For richer or the poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to cherish. I take you to be my wife until death do us part" he'd murmured into the sliver of space between them before kissing her, more intoxicated by Jiwon than the cheap beer. 

Virtually there was no similarity between the two moments. But all he could think of was that moment.

“In sickness and in health” the words echoed in his mind as he took a step.

“For richer or poorer” another step forward

“To love and to cherish” another step closer to Cha Jiwon. His Jiwon. 

Guilt and self-hatred coursing through his veins he stepped up to his wife, an odd breathlessness holding him captive. But even in the haze of fear and guilt, his chest felt lighter at the sight of her. Still, his Jiwon had come to him when he called her. All had not been lost. But why? Why did she still deign to see him? His head was swirling with confusion. Then there was a moment of truth. 

“Do you really not know? Even after discovering your real identity, I worked hard to protect you. Do you really not know why?”

His mind was brimming with memories of Jiwon. Her sly smile as she sneaked her way into his workshop before they had started dating, her bold declaration of love that one summer, the flutter of her lashes against his cheek the first time they kissed, her giddy smile as they collapsed onto the mattress in their old home, tired and sweaty but tugging him close by the back of his neck to kiss him, her tears when her father died, her fear when her mother had to go to the hospital from a bad fall, her revelation as she held Eunha for the first time, her smiling eyes meeting his when they were walking in the park with Eunha. And finally one of their many nights together in their home. Jiwon, 4 months pregnant, pulling him close to her chest and whispering that she loves him, loves him over and over even though it was just a regular night. But that was who Jiwon was. She loved and loved him then and she loved and loved him now. 

The wave of emotions threatened to collapse him. He felt his chest cave in from the sheer intensity of how he felt. All this time he had convinced himself that he did not matter to Jiwon, not Do Hyun Soo, not who he really was underneath the convenient mask of Baek Hee Song. But here Jiwon was, embracing him, accepting him, loving him openly without the pretense of Baek Hee Song between them. Cha Jiwon loved Do Hyun Soo. He had not known he had thirsted for her love this much, he had not realized how much he wanted to be Do Hyun Soo with Jiwon. Do Hyun Soo let himself be pulled in by the current that was Jiwon. He stopped pretending he had ever been able to resist her pull. 

Stepping past the threshold of his home was….unexpectedly hard. He had convinced himself that this house belonged to Baek Hee Song and Cha Jiwon and he could not allow himself to step inside as Do Hyun Soo. But when Jiwon pulled him into the circle of her arms he let himself go. Home was never the house. It was Jiwon. And as long as Jiwon was next to him, anywhere he was, was home. 

Kissing Jiwon was like being forged anew. He had kissed her like this every day for over a decade but kissing her with no pretenses, no secrets between them, as Do Hyun Soo, was the single most intense moment of his life. If his entire life was narrowed down to one singular moment it would be this. He felt like Achilles dipping in river Styx and emerging invincible, a half-god. They eventually managed to extricate themselves from each other when Jiwon almost bit Hyun Soo’s lip off for squeezing her waist too hard. They were both hurt and drained. Jiwon patiently checked Hyun Soo for signs of a concussion and gently wiped the blood off his face. Jiwon hated to be fussed over when she was hurt but after some convincing she too let Hyun Soo inspect her for injuries. Her ribs were already purpling with bruises from Yeom Sang Cheol’s punches and her neck bore his fingerprints. Hyun Soo tried to refocus the rage and agony he felt at Jiwon’s state into cleaning her wounds otherwise he would feel tempted to march into the police station and flay Yeom Sang Cheol alive. 

That night even the sound of their tap dripping water sounded solemn as Jiwon sat on the edge of their bathtub as Hyun Soo on his knees cried and kissed the skin around the bruises. Jiwon tilted his face toward her.

“Why are you crying again?”

“Because I am so angry that that bastard Yeom Sang Cheol did this to you. I don’t know what to do with all this anger. I hate him and I’m angry and I’m afraid that this is all just a dream and I died in that fire Yeom Sang Cheol wanted to burn me in and he hurt you and then got away. What if I could have been a second earlier? Maybe you wouldn’t have this bruise. What if I had been a second later and lost you?” he pressed his lips to her wrist feeling the hearty thump of her pulse, to ground him, to reassure him that she was okay. His Jiwon was okay. Jiwon was looking at him curiously like she was staring into the face of a stranger and not her husband. But who was this man that cried and held onto her like a straggler held onto the last piece of driftwood? How had he kept this self from her all these years and how it burst forth now. How she loved this strange new husband of hers. 

“What were you thinking when you saw me there?” she asked wiping the tears off his cheeks.

“I was scared. I knew that you knew and I was forever imprinted in your eyes as your deceptive husband. To you, I always wanted to be good but I would lose that opportunity. Then I was scared for a whole other reason. When Yeom Sang Cheol attacked you……He had me tied up and doused in kerosene. I could have died a gruesome death but the fear of that was nothing compared to what I felt when he was choking you. I knew in that moment that I would die if you died. I just would. He wouldn’t even have to kill me. Jiwon-ah. Everything about being human I learned from you. You made me. I am made of you. There is more of you in me than me. How could I live without most of me? I can’t. I can’t” Hyun Soo confessed burying his face in her chest

Jiwon was taken aback. In the early years of their relationship, Jiwon’s mother had once cautiously asked her if Hee Song’s (Hyun Soo’s) affections ran as deep as hers. Compared to Jiwon’s verbose and tangible affection, her boyfriend appeared almost nonchalant but now so many years later the same man was on his knees professing that he would die if she did. Jiwon was habituated to her husband’s quiet, steady stream of adoration but she found herself quickly acclimatizing to this new brand of ardent devotion. So many facets to one man and so many phases in one relationship. Jiwon would never tire of the seasons of their love. 

Wiping his tears away she pulled him to his feet. “Come on, let's wash up” 

Under the warm shower, Hyun Soo’s skin regained some of its color. She had seen her husband in so many states. The shy youth she lost her heart to. The indignant boy spurning her advances. The reliable friend she pined after. The blonde boy that kissed her underneath the cherry blossom tree. The warm body she shared a small bed with in Seoul. The man in the tux at the end of the aisle. The perpetually exhausted new parent. Her constant companion. Her life partner. But had she ever seen him like this? Splayed open for her to see. If she had, the memory blurred in light of the recurrence. She couldn’t help reaching up to cup his face as he bent to kiss her. 

The heat of the water could not compare to the heat of his tongue at the seam of her mouth or his hand carefully splayed at the bottom of her spine. Jiwon’s hand slipped to Hyun Soo’s nape to hold him in place as they kissed. Perhaps the intensity of their circumstances demanded a kiss filled with urgency but Hyun Soo’s kisses were slow and thorough. These were kisses one reserved for a lazy Sunday morning as they lingered in bed unwilling to part with each other and their bed but Hyun Soo kissed her with such singlemindedness despite the situation. It was unlikely that in 12 years they had never once kissed like this but there was a novelty to this kiss regardless. Jiwon decided she would take this and consider herself fortunate. When tomorrow comes she might lose her husband to his past but at least she had this. At least she had this man who kissed her so meticulously with no care for his sorrowful fate, who kissed her as if everything in the world was secondary to her. No power could steal his devotion for her. No situation could scare it out of him. That was all she needed.

Later that night, Hyun Soo tells Jiwon that he loves her. Her husband must have surely told her he loved her before. Surely he must have but at that moment Jiwon's mind whited out. All she could think of was this confession. Marrying someone was always a promise to love all the people they were, are, and could become, and here was her husband born anew, shedding the skin of the deceit and fear standing before her raw and real and with his breath caught in his throat. How could she not open her arms to him? Her heart? Whether he was called Baek Hee Song or Do Hyun Soo, he was her husband and Jiwon would never turn away from her husband. 

NOW

It was not all smooth sailing of course. It had been months since their move to Busan and Hyun Soo still couldn't recall anything about his life with Jiwon. His doctor assured him that he was making progress but he couldn't repress his disappointment. He had assumed that with time his memories would return to him, preferably in bits and pieces so he was not overwhelmed but as the time passed by in a blur, he got more and more frustrated with himself. Jiwon was supportive as she could be but there were moments when she started sentences with “remember when” or “back then” that riled up Hyun Soo with a misplaced sense of intense jealousy. On one occasion when Jiwon asked him if he remembered where he bought one of their rugs, he stalked off slamming the door, shocking both himself and Jiwon with his sudden outburst.

He knew that they had a less-than-ideal relationship. Perhaps there were moments of their time together that were better lost in the folds of his mind. But surely there were also moments that were meant to live in him and accompany him to his grave. How was he to live a life knowing his wife had memories of their relationship that he could never recall? 

Perhaps some higher deity had taken pity on him because not long after that outburst, Hyun Soo found himself twisting and turning one night, his subconscious mind running through a field of forgotten memories. The screeching halt of tires against asphalt, Jiwon's silhouette illuminated by headlights, kisses and warm showers, and confessions of love ripped through his mind.

Hyun Soo shook awake, desperately trying to hold onto the dissipating snapshots his brain had provided him with. He needed to talk to Jiwon immediately. He wanted to tell her his dreams and have her tell him his dreams were real. That he truly had lived this life with her. He had never really entered her room he thought as he knocked on her door. Despite growing increasingly close this was one line he was afraid to cross and now he was crossing it too. Jiwon was awake even though it was late into the night. She was pleasantly taken aback by Hyun Soo’s presence in her room and eager to discuss the dream. Hyun Soo was beyond himself when Jiwon nodded along and added new details to the memory. Apart from a few snippets of thoughts and words, his mind was wiped clean of most of his memories so the fact that he could recall such a significant incident of their relationship meant so much to Hyun Soo. So did the fact that he could sit with Jiwon and reminisce a memory they shared together. 

“So what is the last thing you remember?” Jiwon asked as she burrowed deeper into her bed. Her hair was a mess and only her face peeped out from underneath her blanket. Hyun Soo’s heart warmed at the sight of her. 

“Soap. suds. Water.” he replied as he stubbornly stared at the maroon wallpaper instead of Jiwon. Who knew a crease in the wallpaper could be this interesting?

Jiwon giggled “Come on, don’t be embarrassed”

Hyun Soo felt his ears burn a hot red. “I’m not embarrassed” he declared and then gazed directly into Jiwon’s eyes. Jiwon had on an expression Hyun Soo didn’t see a lot of but was perhaps seeing a bit more in recent days. The best way to describe it was coquettish. A light, teasing, exhilarating guise that made Hyun Soo feel off balance, like he had vertigo. 

“No? You’re not embarrassed?” she pressed, sitting up a bit.

“No” Hyun Soo repeated. Jiwon raised a single eyebrow as if daring him, as if in a challenge. 

The air between them pulled taut as if it was a string. If Hyun Soo was petrol, Jiwon’s eyes held a lighter to it. Hyun Soo found himself wondering what it would be like if he leaned in and pressed his lips to Jiwon’s. What would her lips taste like? Would they taste like the peachy lip balm he saw her buy last week? Would her breath hitch or would she breathe in deep and slow and steady? Would her palms fist in the sheets or would she loop her arms around him to pull him against her? The possibilities were endless Hyun Soo thought as he gazed straight into Jiwon’s eyes. Jiwon, never one to back off refused to look away as well. The air between them caught fire.

Throwing caution to the wind, Hyun Soo sat up and then suddenly-

“Appa?” Eunha’s voice echoed through the house. “Appa??”

Hyun Soo and Jiwon sprang apart. Jiwon’s smouldering look was already replaced by an anxious one as they stumbled their way into the living room. It just so happened that Eunha ate some of her friend’s lunch that didn’t agree with her so she woke up sick complaining of a tummy ache, asking for her father. By the time the primary, secondary and tertiary tummy checkups and the hunt for the medications wrapped up, it was nearly dawn. 

Eunha finally fell asleep on Hyun Soo’s chest and Jiwon curled up forcefully on Eunha’s small bed. Eunha was like a weighted blanket and Hyun Soo found himself slipping away soon after Eunha fell asleep. The last sensation he felt was Jiwon reaching over to clasp his hand. Hyun Soo slept soundly that day.

Chapter Text

Gradually Hyun Soo and Jiwon’s spaces began to overlap. It was no longer surprising to find Jiwon’s hair ties on Hyun Soo’s pillows, or her slippers haphazardly kicked underneath his bed. Some nights the two lay in bed, Hyun Soo reading and Jiwon fiddling with her phone with her ankle casually thrown over his. Hyun Soo was getting unreasonably attached to the scruff of Jiwon’s old pajamas against his leg and the scent of her lotion on his sheets. Whenever she stayed the night the scent too stayed till the next day. Some days Hyun Soo liked to wake up and turn his face into her pillow and just…..breathe. 

One night Hyun Soo turned over half asleep and found that his hand brushed Jiwon. He was surprised for a moment because she had chosen to rest in her own room that night but he wasted no time pulling her into the crook of his shoulder. 

“When did you come” he mumbled sleepily. Jiwon was quiet. Suddenly Hyun Soo realized that she was shuddering. Frowning he hurriedly reached to switch on the bedside lamp. 

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” he pressed feeling for Jiwon’s forehead. In the wan light, Jiwon’s face was pallid, her eyes were bloodshot and a light layer of sweat covered her face. Hyun Soo’s heart ached in his chest.

“Jiwon-ah? What happened? Talk to me” beneath his fingers her face looked so small, scared, skin clammy and soft. 

Jiwon reached to hold onto his hands. “I had a nightmare. When I woke up I just had to see you. I’m sorry if I scared you by sneaking into your bed”

Hyun Soo shook his head “Sneak into my bed more. Sneak into my bed always. It’s yours. So is the person in it. But tell me what happened” 

Jiwon took a deep breath, unshed tears shimmering in her eyes. 

“I dreamt of the time you got shot. I know we haven't really talked about it before so if you don't want to talk about it I will stop right now” 

Hyun Soo knew that he was shot, of course, he knew the origin of his amnesia but the experience of it was as distant to him as the rest of his memories. He smoothed a thumb over her shoulder. “Tell me” 

“I thought I had lost you. You thought you had lost me too. But for a moment I had you in my arms. Just for a moment, i thought it was all over but then….. Even when we hit the ground i didn't realize you had been hit. There was so much blood. All the way to the hospital I would not stop checking your pulse even though there were medical professionals around. I didn't let go of your hand the whole way there. For a whole week, they didnt know if you would ever wake up. I remember going home with your blood all over me and just retching all night. All I could think of is that if you died i wouldn't know what to do with myself. We have Eunha. She needs me but in my heart, i felt like if you died, I would too. I felt like I could still smell the blood when I woke up. I was scared this past year was a dream. That you had already left me and I was alone and dreaming you up. That's why i came to see you. I thought if I could just lay down next to you and watch your chest rise and fall I would calm down”

Hyun Soo pulled Jiwon’s hand to his chest. Under the threadbare nightshirt he wore to bed his heart thumped steadily against Jiwon’s hand. 

“I didn't leave you. You didn't lose me. You will not lose me. I'm here. I will not leave you” he assured her. Jiwon’s hands were warm in his and her eyes warmer so. He could feel his ears redden under her warm gaze.

“Can I kiss y-”

The words had yet to leave her fully when Hyun Soo surged forward and slotted his lips against Jiwon’s

As far as kisses go this one was as unsophisticated as can be. It was barely even a kiss. Their mouths were open. The angle was weird. Hyun Soo was surely developing a crick in his neck but none of it mattered once Jiwon melted into the kiss. This kiss was nothing like their first kiss. It was a bit desperate, a bit helpless, perhaps too juvenile but Hyun Soo couldn't stop kissing her. It was like a hunger had set into him. A frenzy. Hyun Soo thumbed at the corner of Jiwon’s lip and Jiwon angled her head and then. They were kissing. Really kissing. Deep and wet and noisy with gasping breaths because neither wanted to stop to inhale properly. Jiwon’s thumbs stroked his cheekbones delicately and Hyun Soo’s hand gripped her nape so hard he was afraid he’d leave marks but he couldn't let go. Her lips tasted like the salt from the tears and her mouth like the minty aftertaste of toothpaste but underneath it all, she just tasted like Jiwon. Like coming home. Like hope. Like love. Jiwon was making these helpless little hitched noises in the back of her throat. They were so fully pressed up against each other that he could feel her lashes against his face when she blinked. 

Jiwon was pushy in this like she was in everything else. The force of her kiss put Hyun Soo flat on his back, his head pressed into his pillow and Jiwon clumsily scrambled up to straddle him. Even in that second, it took her to adjust, he missed kissing her. Her lips and her tongue and the flutter of her lashes against his cheek and the tip of her nose and the curve of her chin and the feel of her skin against his palms. When she leaned back down there was nothing tentative or sweet about their kiss. It was searching and wanting and open. With every moment his tenuous grasp on sanity was being contested. He felt like a stranger in his own body. He had never known his body could feel so many things. That his heart could thump like this without giving out. 

In this too, his body was ahead of his mind. His hands slipped underneath her shirt. He could feel the soft skin of her back and the divots of her spine against his fingers. His thumbs slotted perfectly in the dimples of her lower back. Jiwon’s hand was scorching hot on his stomach underneath his shirt. Hyun Soo sat up abruptly pulling Jiwon up along with him. For a moment he just looked at her. Like this, they were almost eye to eye with Jiwon a bit above him. “Does she realize she's still crying?” he wondered as he gently wiped the tears off her cheeks. There was a blazing foreign thing in her eyes. He realized it was hope. In all his time caught up in his own mind and his memories or their lack thereof, he hadn’t realized how much she had missed him like this. He didn’t realize how much he had. It was like his senses were awakening after a long time. He longed for her like this like she longed for him. He wanted her here, in his lap, with her messy hair and her wide eyes. He wrapped a hand around her thigh and pulled her further into his lap. For a moment every worry and regret over his memories, his past, and his future flew out of his mind. There was just this. Him and Jiwon. chest to chest, noses brushing, her leg wrapped around him and the weight of her on him. He could do with just this. He cupped her face with both his hands, stroking her eyes her cheeks her mouth her brows with his fingers. Jiwon leaned down and kissed him tentatively, a quiet worship in her manner.

He had never been happier about the large baggy shirts Jiwon wore to bed than he was now he thought as he pulled the shirt down to kiss her neck. 

“Where did you get this shirt from it’s so big” he murmured into her bare shoulder

“It's yours” she replied. Her head was tipped back and she was developing a deep lovely flush.

Hyun Soo pulled back. “Mine?” 

“I stole it out of your wardrobe when you were in the hospital. I kept it after that because I did not know if you would ever come back to me. Or want anything to do with me”

“I came back. I want everything to do with you Jiwon-ah” 

Jiwon’s eyes were large and shiny and when she glanced down at him shyly, her lashes shadowed against her cheeks. She was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen. Even as he held her against him, he missed her, wanted to be closer to her, wanted to be under her skin. 

Jiwon bent down to kiss him, brief, lazy, their eyes fluttering open and shut. It should be awkward to gaze at each other like this with eyes half closed and lips touching and their noses squished together but it seemed like both Hyun Soo and Jiwon felt the need to keep checking that this was really happening, that they were really kissing each other. 

And they don't stop kissing.

They don't stop when their lips get sore and their tongues get tired. They don't stop when Hyun Soo sleepily slumps back against the bed and Jiwon equally sleepily slumps down with him. They don't stop even as their eyes shut and their tight grip on each other is loosened by their drowsiness. When morning visits it is to the sight of Jiwon still sprawled like a cat on Hyun Soo, her mouth still close to his like their lips could not bear to stay apart even in unconsciousness.

In the morning although they will lament the cramps and cricks their sleeping positions gave them, but neither will regret it. 

Chapter Text

The days pass in pleasant mundanity. The cozy mornings with Eunha, the familiarity of his work, the warmth of the dinners with Eunha and Jiwon, and then later in the night, the thrill of having Jiwon in his bed, their ankles locked as they lay pressed together discussing anything and everything under the sky. The rumble of her voice in the dark of the night, the weight of her on him, the ache in his arm from pillowing her head, the mild taste of toothpaste on her mouth when she kisses him goodnight

Slowly but surely he was relearning Jiwon. It was like rereading a beloved book from his youth. He was memorizing her quirks and tricks. Her playful sullen tone while she was acting cute, her flat tone when she was tired from work, the frustrated snorts when he or Eunha got on her nerves, her ecstatic giggle, her brief hurried kisses, her unwilling-to-leave lingering ones, the way she brushed his hair back when they kissed or traced his brow casually while talking to him. Every habit, every routine, every mood all neatly arranged themselves in his brain. Sometimes his latent experience would rear his head and he would be able to predict what her next expression would be. Those were the best days

This morning was rainy. The sky was overcast, Eunha was off for the weekend with her grandma and Jiwon was as usual leaving urgently for some work. She kissed him before she left. This was one of her unwilling to leave lingering ones. The kind of kiss where she would grab his arms and stay on her toes and hum under her breath. He returned the kiss in kind his hands gripping her hip. 

“I will try to be back early,” she said pressing her forehead into his and then leaning in to kiss him again

“I will pick you up,” he replied. Jiwon nodded, kissing him one last time on the cheek before leaving.

Later that evening when Hyun Soo went to pick up Jiwon, it was drizzling. The air smelled of earth. All things considered, Hyun Soo was in a good mood and he was going to see Jiwon’s smile soon and then-

“Did you hear why Detective Cha Jiwon transferred here from Seoul? Apparently, her husband is that son of a serial killer, the one from the news who deceived his wife for 14 years” he heard a woman tell her colleague

“Wow. Did she and her husband divorce?”

“No, according to Minhyun they are still together. Isn't that crazy? Deputy asked her out and she said she was married”

“The way she acts at work you’d never be able to tell she’s a fool. What does she think staying with a man like that?”

Hyun Soo’s ears were ringing. He could no longer hear what they were saying. He barely felt them leave. He barely saw Jiwon skipping out of the building. He patted her back halfheartedly when she hugged him. On the way home, Hyun Soo was quiet. Jiwon seemed to detect the tension in him. She spent the commute glancing at him often trying to read his face or stroking his arms at regular intervals.

It was dark by the time they got back home. Hyun Soo switched on the lights as he made his way into the kitchen. Maybe cooking would take off this edge, this burning ember of rage and helplessness that ate him up on the inside. Jiwon followed him in, cautiously watching him wash his hands. 

“Jagiya? Is something wrong? What is it?”

Hyun Soo turned off the tap and breathed deeply through his nose. Perhaps this was a confrontation he could not avoid or postpone. 

“Jiwon-ah. Is everyone treating you well at work? Are you facing problems?” he asked her his voice level and quiet.

Jiwon nodded thoughtfully, her eyes were wide and roving over his features like she was searching his face for the answer. 

“I don't believe you. I don't. Your coworkers shame you. They look down on you for being with a man like me. They don't understand you. They don't see anything the way you do. What are you doing? What are you doing here with me? What are you doing here in this kitchen? A nice man at work asked you out. You could be somewhere. Anywhere. Eating a good meal with a good man but you’re in this home with me every day. Why? Why won't you leave? I don't understand it. I do not understand you”

The words echoed across the empty house. His breaths were coming in hard now and sounded obnoxiously loud in the silence. This was the most he had said all day. Or all month. Or perhaps all his life? 

Jiwon was slow to anger but her expression showed that she was working up to it quickly. Jiwon was usually a vibrant and animated person but her face was rather blank, her eyes flat. He was not used to seeing her like that. He immediately regretted his harsh words, wishing he could take them back, turn them this way and that way and present them to her in the prettiest way he could. 

Jiwon scoffed. It was an ugly sound full of derision and contempt. Hyun Soo flinched. The air turned venomous.

“16 years. 16 years I have been with you. And now you want me to give up? Pack up and move on? Leave you behind. Don't even think about it. Don't even dream about it. Sure I could say yes to the deputy. Have a nice dinner with him and a few more. Walk hand in hand through the parks. Listen to music on long drives. Then what? What then? What does it matter where I am and who I am with if I'm not with you? I will yearn for you for the rest of my life. I will want only you for the rest of my life. On my deathbed, I will wonder only of what happened to you. To us. There are a million probabilities out there. But one snowy night 16 years ago I chose you. And I continued to choose you every day for the last 16 years and I will continue to choose you for the next 16 years. And I chose not the possibility of you but the reality of you. The real you. This is it. This here. This is my choice. I don’t want the deputy. I don’t want the coworker's blessings. I don’t want perfect I don’t want normal I don’t want their understanding, I want MINE. MY love. MY husband. MY family. Baek Hee Song or Do Hyun Soo I don’t care. What's in a name? You are mine. And I'm yours and I will always be yours and you have never belonged to anyone but me. Don't you see it?” she asked. She gestured between them impatiently “This? This between us? This is it. We’re it. There will never be anything like this ever again for either of us. If you want this to end, you will have to be the one to walk away” 

The tempo of Jiwon's breathing matched his

"Tell me honestly. Look in my eyes and lie to me that if you left this house right now, you won't regret it for the rest of your life. Tell me you'll still want to wake up in the morning if I wasn't next to you. Lie to me and tell me you want to leave. Lie to me again and tell me you want me to leave"

The fight seemed to drain out of her all at once. She raised her hand slowly to his face. Her fingers barely grazed his cheek. She didn't touch him but he could feel the heat of her palm against his skin. 

“Once you have found your one great love nothing else will compare. Everything else will be settling. Making do. A compromise. And I don't want to make do. Do Hyun Soo. I will tell you once again. You are so slow. You were always so slow. So like the time I told you on our first date, I will tell you again. You love me. You’re in love with me. You’re the only one that doesn't know you love me”

Hyun Soo gasped. Jiwon’s shoulders were slumped now. Her last words were a mere whisper. He was malfunctioning. A burn inched its way through his body. Traveling from his flaming ears to the scratch at the base of his throat to his palpitating heart. Do Hyun Soo burned. He reached forward for Jiwon like she was water. 

He didn't even realize he was kissing her till he heard the bang of a cupboard. He pulled away unwillingly from Jiwon. 

“Did I hurt you? Jiwon-ah. Did you hit your head?” 

Jiwon looked disoriented. Her eyes were wetly dark, like asphalt on a rainy night. When she blinked up at him, he dared to dream that she wasn't disoriented because she hit her head but because they were this close. With no space in between them. He was nearly speaking right into her mouth. 

Jiwon pushed him right back against the opposite aisle. His hip hit the corner at a bad angle but he could barely feel anything when Jiwon reached up to kiss him, hungry and wanting and open. He coolly deposited her on the marble and continued kissing her. There was a disconnect between his body and his brain. He didn't know what he was doing. He was overwhelmed. He did not understand. He could not function. He dragged his lips to her throat. For a moment he simply breathed. Felt her pulse hammering like his was. 

“Tell me again. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me no matter what” he murmured into the juncture between her neck and her shoulder.

Jiwon shuddered and inhaled loudly. “I will always love you. I will always want you. Will you?”

Hyun Soo stopped kissing her neck for a moment. The concept of feelings was still alien to him. He could feel things. Vague ambiguous things. But with most things, it was like watching a play through a thick wall of glass. Something he could see, observe, and even remark at but not something he could quite touch, or feel. It was intangible and untouchable. But with Jiwon the glass wall….thinned. It cracked and crumbled. It came apart. Resting his head on Jiwon’s shoulder he recalibrated his mind. His heart raced. A knot tightened in his abdomen. Everything was simultaneously too much and not enough. He knew. It was good, very good. A kind of incandescence. Like sunrise beneath his lids.

“Always” he replied. He looked up at her. “Always” 

Jiwon cupped his face gingerly. “Do you love me? Do you want me?”

Hyun Soo looked into her eyes. He pulled her hand off his face and placed it against his chest. 

“So much. I have no words for it. Literally. I…feel things but sometimes I can not name them. But here and now with the way my heart beats and my lungs hurt, I think this is love. In your eyes alone I see myself. Sometimes I think you are the only real thing about me, Jiwon-ah. I love you. I want you.

“How much?” she asked

“So much. I want you here” he kissed her neck. “I want you here” he kissed her lips. "I want you here", a kiss on her eyes. "I want you here a kiss", on her hand right over her wedding ring. He inhaled deeply. "I want you here," he says finally placing a hand on her chest. Then he bent down to reverently kiss her right over her beating heart.

Jiwon pressed him against the door of their room and kissed him deeply. His breath hitched as she pressed up into him, her neck tilting up elbows pressed into his shoulders. Hyun Soo swept Jiwon off her feet and carried her into the room. They practically fell onto the bed, kissing, their hands-

Jiwon pulled away from him a smile on her face. “Princess carrying me can’t be that easy anymore you’re almost 40 ahjussi” she teased. 

Hyun Soo winced belatedly feeling a pinprick in his back but the ache faded as quickly as he registered it, his attention drawn to the feeling of Jiwon’s thighs slung around his hips. His hips snug between her legs. “Worth it” he replied and bent down to kiss her again. 

There was so much to love about this new aspect of their relationship. He liked Jiwon’s impatient way of divesting him of his clothing (he was sure his pant zip had come clean off) he liked the cold of the metal of her wedding ring when she touched him. He liked the way she looked up at him through her lashes half abashed, half inviting. He liked the fluid ease of the way she moved against him, like she had already done it a million times before. He liked the spot where her calf met her knee. He liked the concaves of her midriff and the way she gasped when he kissed his way down. He liked her blunt nails roving over his back, his shoulders, his scalp. He liked the way she indulgently kissed his shoulder now, cuddling underneath the sheets, a leg lazily thrown over his. 

They were almost nose to nose, so close together, their eyes on each other. In the silence of the room Hyun Soo could hear the rain outside abate. Jiwon smoothed a thumb over his cheek. 

“Are you happy?” her tone was teasing but her eyes bore a slightly serious expression. 

Hyun Soo breathed out. “Not as happy as you. After all, how many women can say they took the same man’s virginity twice?” he caressed the bare skin of her back. 

Jiwon trembled with laughter. He liked the sound of her laugh so much. tinkling. Sweet. He lazily kissed her neck, her shoulder, her smiling lips.

As he lay in bed with her his mind couldn’t help wandering. A flurry of doubts, fears, and questions haunted him still. He wished he could kiss her and ignore it all but he needed to talk to her.

“Jiwon-ah. Do you feel different? Is this….all this different for you now? Am I….different?” This was a question that often popped up in his mind.

Jiwon hummed thoughtfully. In her eyes, he could read the caution. She wanted to be honest but she didn’t want to upset him. 

“A bit. You are a bit less careful and a lot more open. You seem more at ease. Much happier in some ways. But that makes me sad sometimes. For 14 years I was blissfully happy with you. I slept and rose with a smile on my face every day but sometimes I worry those 14 years were mostly bad for you, always walking on eggshells”

She smoothed his hair back gently. “But other times I think you haven't changed at all. You are always so you. You cook the same dishes you used to and they taste the same. You fold laundry the same. You carry Eunha the same, you smell the same. You kiss the same and you taste the same. Your heart is the same”

Hyun Soo did not know whether to feel enthralled that she didn't think any differently of him or disconcerted. He might be the person that Jiwon loved but he was also the person who lied to her, who betrayed her, who put her in danger’s path. Was it worth it for Jiwon to be with someone like this?

“Jiwon-ah…I have…I have hurt you. I have lied to you. Now I don’t even remember our 14 years together. This kind of relationship….Is it not too unfair to you? You saved me. You loved me. You gave me a home. But I….”

Jiwon shushed him with her finger to his mouth.

“Who said you haven’t saved me? You saved me when my father died. You saved me every day during that early period as a young detective when I worked every minute and felt disillusioned. You saved me every time I came home after a gruesome case tired of seeing the worst of humanity. You saved me at every night feeding, every parent teacher meeting, every family event. No one has cared for me like you have. You always put me and Eunha first. Even now you put us first. And about your memory…..many days I am gutted you don’t remember anything. But you still love me even though you don’t remember me. Isn’t that a miracle in itself?”

Hyun Soo nodded. He did not need his memory to love Jiwon. It was like swimming or signing your name or cycling. You learned it once and your body remembered it forever. 

“So this kind of love…..did you never feel like you deserved better? An easier love. A simpler love. Don’t you want that?” he asked. 

Jiwon yawned, her eyelids drooping sleepily. “I want my love, not an easier love. Don’t worry, jagiya. I am very tough” and with that Jiwon fell sound asleep.

For so long Hyun Soo had been debating if he was right to stay with Jiwon, if he’d be right to leave because she deserved better. It was just his greed, his selfishness that had been keeping him beside her. But the nonchalance with which she answered his questions oddly set him free from his doubts. His worries dissipated and relief took their place. It was that simple to Jiwon. She wanted a great love, not a perfect one. Perhaps doubt and self-loathing would still visit Hyun Soo sometimes. After all, they had been his shadows all his life but that night, in that moment, Hyun Soo felt free. He kissed Jiwon’s forehead and fell asleep peacefully. 

Chapter Text

“Appa” Hyun Soo felt a small hand scratch at his chest. A crinkling sound followed the voice. “Appa, wake uppp” the scratching got more persistent. Hyun Soo opened his eyes to his daughter decked out in all black, half her face covered. 

“Eunha? What are you doing?” Hyun Soo pushed himself up rubbing at his eyes sleepily. Truly he was sleeping too well these days. It felt like he was catching up on a decade’s worth of sleep. 

“Appa, you don’t remember? The secret mission? It’s today!! Wake up!!!” 

Hyun Soo smiled. Of course, he remembered. It was Christmas morning and today was the day he was going to propose to Jiwon. Again. He was going to propose today. For the first time. 

Hyun Soo grabbed his daughter off the bed. “Mission can wait but first you need to brush and eat breakfast,” he said pressing a kiss on her cheek

He loved starting the day off with his daughter. Her energy was infectious. He liked singing nursery rhymes with her. He liked getting her ready for the day. It made him feel grounded and real in a way not even his work made him feel. It gave his life purpose. 

“Appa. why are you asking Eomma to marry you? You are already married” Eunha asked him as he did the dishes. 

Hyun Soo did not want to confuse Eunha by admitting that technically his mother was a widow as Baek Hee Song had already passed and in name, they were an unmarried couple shacking up together. 

“Hmmm…Appa wants to redo his wedding vows because he loves Eomma more now. So he needs a new set of promises to make to your mother” Eunha giggled at that. He could see something of Jiwon in that smile.

“Eunha promise Appa you won’t tell Eomma about the surprise” His daughter remained uncharacteristically quiet. 

Hyun Soo turned around to glance at his daughter. Her face looked pinched and there was a guilty look in her eyes

“Appa…I’m sorry but I accidentally told Grandma everything” 

The doorbell rang just as Eunha confessed and Hyun Soo had a good idea who the guest was. 

The tea cooled rapidly as Jiwon’s mother looked on at him, her lips pursed unhappily. Hyun Soo remained stone still. 

“When Jiwon was young, a monk prophesied that she would leave her home against the wishes of her parents. I didn’t believe it, of course, because Jiwon was an exemplary daughter. My husband and I raised her to be smart and cautious. Whether we approved or not, we believed she would make the right choice. When I first put her hand in yours, she was not yet 23, so young, so bright. But she was sure of you and her certainty in you emboldened us too. As I packed you both off to Seoul, I thought that monk was wrong but-”

“Mother-” Hyun Soo’s words were waved off by his mother-in-law 

“But he was right, I realized as she packed up everything from Seoul and came to Busan with you. She had left home against my wishes. You proved me wrong when Jiwon’s boss came to my house to inform me that my daughter had been kidnapped by her own husband. I still had my granddaughter’s hand in mine. You can not imagine the distress I felt.”

“Mother-” Hyun Soo cut in. 

Moon Young Ok raised her hand, silencing him. He had never realized what a formidable and tough woman she was. To him, she was just his mother. Someone who packed him extra food while sending him back, someone who held his hand as he trembled with anxiety when Jiwon went into labor, someone who looked fondly upon his daughter. In the snippets of the memories miraculously returned to him, he only ever saw her with a gentle smile on her face. But none of that good humor remained on her face now. 

“I did not come here for apologies and justifications. Jiwon has returned multiple times to play your defense. I am only here to tell you that I do not approve. But I am not like other parents. I do not expect my daughter to fall in line with my opinions nor do I believe in forcing her to obey me. I have raised her to be capable of making her own decisions. Today the monk has yet again been proven right. My daughter has left home against my wishes. But I want to remind you she is never too far away from home. My door is always open for my daughter and my granddaughter. Do not for a second believe that no one is keeping an eye on you or that no one has Jiwon or Eunha’s back. If she ever regrets this, my daughter knows she can always come home” 

As Hyun Soo watched her retreating back, he felt himself speak

“Mother. My home is wherever Jiwon is. I will make sure she will never regret it. Don’t worry. Please rest assured she will never regret choosing me”

His mother-in-law paused as if acknowledging his words. But she never turned around and left as quickly as she arrived. 

The tea had gone cold.

By the time, Jiwon got home, their living room had been turned into a winter wonderland. 

Eunha rushed at Jiwon as soon as she stepped past the threshold, her holiday high still running strong. Hyun Soo put the finishing touches on their dinner, a mild smile on his face before he followed Jiwon into her bedroom. 

“How was work?” he asked her, as he helped her out of her coat. Jiwon shivered lightly as she shrugged out of it. Hyun Soo made a mental note to fix up the thermostat. She was wearing a beige turtleneck. Hyun Soo felt a sudden urge to put his nose to the point where her neck met her shoulders. He was never very good at resisting Jiwon. Jiwon hummed happily. 

“How was your work today?” she asked back. Hyun Soo pulled away from her albeit unwillingly to fold her coat. 

“Nonsense. I closed shop today to help set up. Eunha wanted a fun Christmas remember?” 

Jiwon smiled a bit cheekily. “I remember another VERY fun Christmas is how we got Eunha”

Hyun Soo glanced sideways at Jiwon. “No, I recall it being a very fun New Year’s Eve” 

Jiwon frowned a bit and pulled back a bit. These days he was regaining a lot of old memories. But Jiwon was ever so careful to not get carried away or assume it was all back. So she always reacted with caution and surprise whenever Hyun Soo revealed some information

Hyun Soo put away the clothes and cupped Jiwon’s face. Her face was small and cold in his hands. He once again thought of the thermostat. He couldn’t let Jiwon run cold like this. 

“Go freshen up for dinner” he kissed her cold forehead. 

He had gone overboard with dinner tonight. It was a heavy affair but he spent half the time playing footsie with Jiwon underneath the table like they were kids and the other half trying to stop their actual kid from overstuffing her mouth and choking. Dinner was heavy but Hyun Soo felt light on his feet. 

The Christmas present treasure hunt was Eunha’s idea. So he let her introduce it and watched Jiwon’s smile light up her face. Within the hour, Jiwon had found five presents- two from Eunha (a card and a melted candy) two from Hyun Soo (a cashmere sweater and a watch he helped design), and one from her mother who had sent her present via Eunha (a pair of sturdy shoes)  

But the most special present of all was still hidden.

Jiwon pushed aside the couch and reached behind it to pull out a velvet box. 

“Jagiya, I am a detective. Did you really believe I didn’t know what plan you were hatching?” she asked turning around to face him. 

Hyun Soo heard Eunha pull out a camera to capture the moment. 

Jiwon smiled, half giddy, half smug “Like last time, I am going to beat you to the proposal. Again” and with that she popped open the box and-

Hyun Soo clicked his tongue. “Not this time Jiwon-ah” he replied pulling out a solitary ring from his jacket pocket. 

Compared to the burnished copper of their wedding rings, this new ring shone like a piece of moonlight. It was a platinum band with a giant diamond on it. Absolutely not suitable for dailywear especially not in Jiwon’s field but Hyun Soo had never gotten her something of this sort. When they first got married, he was told they were tight on budget as they were still settling into life but now he could afford to shell out a decent amount for a rock this size. He had done the metalwork himself though, including the engravings. 

Hyun Soo dropped to one knee. 

“Jiwon-ah, last time I believe I was not able to do anything of this sort because you beat me to it. And also because we had -uh- more pressing matters” he said side eyeing Eunha awkwardly

‘But this time I want to do everything, give you everything that a normal man can give his wife, his girlfriend, his fiancee, whatever you want to call yourself” Jiwon snorted a bit at that, although the tears in her eyes shone as brightly as the diamonds. 

“Jiwon-ah, almost two decades ago, I chose you as my life partner, as my best friend, my only family. Today I choose to affirm that decision. If there is something I have done right in my life, it’s you. It is the one choice I want to continue making for the rest of my lifetime. Please, please do me the honor of marrying me. Again. For real this time” 

Jiwon smiled, caressing his cheek, wiping the tears he did not realize he was shedding, and nodded.

“Do you still have to ask?” she scoffed 

Hyun Soo kissed his Jiwon that night as Eunha squealed awkwardly and hid behind the table, the camera still running. 

Chapter Text

Kim Moo Jin was……traveling. These days he was always traveling. The city he had lived in for 17 years abruptly felt like a stranger with the departure of Do Hae Soo. She had driven him out of his own home yet again and made a vagabond of him. He had never felt more punished by a person’s absence. So now he was a nomad. Moving from city to city, mechanically writing what needs to be written, drinking, and introspecting on why he was still obsessed with his high school girlfriend.

The truth of the matter was that Kim Moo Jin was secretly a romantic. He had first met Do Hae Soo in fourth grade (he was in fourth grade and she was in fifth). Throwing a ball back and forth with the class pariah Do Hyun Soo had been his sport of choice back then. He could not recollect the series of events that led to it but he could in perfect clarity recollect the moment the ball rolled over to Do Hae Soo (who had been sitting in the corner reading) and he ran over to it as she bent to pick it up. Their eyes met. If life was a maze that moment was the center of the maze. It drove him, it maddened him, it exhilarated him, and now…..it broke him. 

For the next five years, he and Do Hyun Soo had been inseparable. Because Do Hyun Soo and Do Hae Soo were inseparable. There could not have been a pair of siblings more dissimilar. Hae Soo was the summer sun and Hyun Soo was a dark cloud. Hae Soo was the epicenter of the social network their school ran on and Hyun Soo was an outlier. But they were connected by an invisible thread. Hae Soo was protective of her younger brother and her popularity guaranteed nobody ever messed with Hyun Soo who was quiet and shy long before he was reticent and unsettling. The only thing that connected them was their love for the arts. He had once observed Hyun Soo complete a painting Hae Soo had started like he had read her mind and knew exactly what she wanted it to be. So over the rest of his childhood, they were an unlikely but inseparable trio. The Do siblings and Kim Moo Jin. 

On the long school days, they could be observed eating and studying together. In the late evenings afterward, you could see them cycling back home, Hae Soo and Moo Jin playfully competing and Hyun Soo tagging along riding at a respectable pace. On sweltering summer days, they could be found under large trees. Moo Jin sipping coke with his head on Hae Soo’s shoulder while Hyun Soo silently read in the opposite corner, his head in the book. Hae Soo was a convincing orator. Or perhaps he was a love-struck fool but she could convince him of nearly anything. And watching the world through her eyes Moo Jin learned to love Hyun Soo too. To see him not as asocial and offbeat but as peaceful and brilliant. 

He had begun to see Hyun Soo as somewhat of a younger brother (even though he was only 3 months younger) He cut off friends that were cruel to him or spoke harshly of him, he defended Hyun Soo when teachers were rude to him, he explained Hyun Soo’s moods and behaviors to the classmates that misunderstood to his asocial behaviors as impudence. He was Hyun Soo’s best friend. Even more so than Hae Soo. With time he too had begun to think of Hyun Soo as his best friend. Above even Hae Soo although she was still his dearest friend. Once he had fallen off a tree. Hyun Soo had rushed him to the hospital and stayed by his side all night never once leaving him (as the nurse had informed him back then) he had gotten reprimanded by both his father and Hae Soo for not informing them of his whereabouts but Hyun Soo had stuck by his decision. Moo Jin’s parents were always fighting when he was a kid (they were blessedly divorced now) and Hyun Soo was always the one who bailed him out of those awkward situations. Hae Soo once informed him (secretly) that Hyun Soo had spent his entire allowance to get Moo Jin his favorite football shoes for his birthday. Moo Jin often wondered how long he spent repressing all his great memories of Hyun Soo so he could stand against him like the rest of the world did. 

Now when Kim Moo Jin thought of the happiest moments of his life all he could think about were his moments with Hyun Soo and Hae Soo. The quiet nights of laying on his back on the roof, star gazing with them next to him. Hyun Soo’s rare smiles. Hae Soo’s laughs that would become even rarer in the future. The sound of pencils scrawling on books. The stuffy uniforms. The setting sun as they raced home. And later his time with Hae Soo.  

He had started dating Hae Soo after he graduated tenth grade. Hae Soo attended their graduation ceremony in a simple blue floral dress that fluttered around her knees when she moved. Her hair was half pulled back with white pins and the other half flitted around like she had a special fan aimed at her to make her hair float back like she was in the movies. She had thumped Hyun Soo on his back and then leaned into Moo Jin for a short hug. They had been friends for so many years so it was unlikely they had never hugged but this was different from all others. The lingering and the bashful way she had looked up at him as they pulled apart (up because that was the summer Moo Jin hit a spurt and finally left both siblings in the dust)

For the next two years, it was just Hae Soo. Her checkered skirts. The scent of her hair. The chipping paint on her hands. The calluses of her palms. Her bright voice. Her intense eyes. Her dazzling wit. Their feet tangled in the cold streams. He had been so exuberant. So incandescently happy. Floating on air. 

Then Do Min Seok happened. Moo Jin, the bosom friend of a serial killer’s children had become a source of scorn next to only the children themselves. He was guilty by association. Or perhaps even an accessory to murder. They had been his greatest friends, perhaps his only real friends but Moo Jin had tons of other friends. Friends he played football with. Friends that he ate lunch with. Friends who were his neighbors. His home life left much to be desired so he sought validation at school. He loved his popularity. He loved that he could walk into any class in his school and they knew who he was. He loved that the other boys fawned over his bike and his shoes and his trophies and his computer. He loved that they followed his word like it was scripture. In the end, it wasn't that hard to break Moo Jin. A few rough shoves on the field, and a few dirty looks during lunch and he had turned on the Do siblings quicker than they could have anticipated. 

Even in his drunkest stupors, he could not forget the betrayal in Hae Soo’s eyes as she threw the necklace away. Or the subtle but resigned shock in Hyun Soo’s eyes as his friends attacked him. Moo Jin hadn’t thrown the first punch. It hadn't mattered. He stood there as the other boys beat Hyun Soo to a pulp and he stood there still as Hyun Soo finally gave in and started hitting them back. He had kept his eyes trained on the hard ground but he could feel Hyun Soo’s eyes on him. “Traitor” they seemed to say. He could not remain still when the other boys yelled for help tying Hyun Soo down. They had all been cowards. Growling with their tails tucked between their legs. As Moo Jin tied Hyun Soo’s arms behind him he thought about all their time together. What did it matter if the only time he felt at peace in his life, felt like himself was when he was with Hae Soo and Hyun Soo??? Beneath his eyelids, all he could see and hear were the burbling streams, the shade of the tree, the tinkling sound of their bike bells, the scent of clay and paint that hung around in Hae Soo’s room, the scars on Hyun Soo’s hand from metal working. 

But he could also see the cold face of Do Min Seok. The muffled noises from the lump in his basement. This was the same man who had started stocking orange juice in his house for Moo Jin even though neither of his own children liked orange juice. He had once given Moo Jin a hand-crafted present for his birthday. The same man who had sat him down along with his children to tell him long-winded stories of his college days. For Kim Moo Jin who had an eternally indifferent father, Do Min Seok was a respected father figure. If he had not been that, then he could have admitted to himself that the lump in the basement was a person, not an elk. He could have told his parents, his neighbors, the cops, someone. He could have stopped a serial killer. But he had put his trust in the wrong man and now his conscience was at stake along with his reputation. 

Rock in hand when he looked up at Hyun Soo there was only hatred in his heart, for himself for being so gullible and trusting. Hyun Soo’s eyes had always been an opaque black. It had just been a feature but now it was a threat. Veiled in the unseen depths of Hyun Soo’s inky eyes he now saw a demon. He threw the rock. 

Life was not the same after that. His last memory of Hyun Soo had been him flinching, bracing himself for the attack. His last memory was Hae Soo was her on her knees in his living room. Hae Soo could be a prideful and vicious creature when she wanted to be. He was sure she would never so much as look in his direction after he broke it off with her. But one evening, after the exorcisms started she arrived on his doorstep. Hae Soo was a celebrated beauty in their town. But the Hae Soo before him was a ghost of her former self. With limp, unkempt hair and empty eyes, she had fallen to her knees before him. He knew she had begged him to save Hyun Soo from the ritualistic rage of the townsfolk, of his classmates but he could not recall her exact words. Just her sunken eyes flaming with rage when she realized he had fully turned his back on them. That loathing in her eyes was the last memory of his Hae Soo, his dearest friend, and his most cherished love. 

After Hyun Soo disappeared he did not see Hae Soo anymore. It was a small town. It seemed impossible they would not run into each other. But somehow they didn’t. Perhaps that was why he threw himself into his academics. When the admission letter from Yonsei arrived there was only trepidation in his mind, a fear of losing his space in Hae Soo’s world even though he had long lost it before he ever left for college. And just like that Hae Soo had driven him out of his town. He had run away, away from Hae Soo’s hateful glare, Hyun Soo’s absence, the trees, the streams, and the painted house with the haunted basement. 

He had girlfriends after. His first college girlfriend he lost his virginity to. The classmate he had a one-night stand with. The co-worker he quietly dated and equally uneventfully broke up with who he then had to share awkward elevator rides with. All relationships as unceremonious and unattached as they could be. He had come close to liking a few of them but never close to the sheer intensity of what he used to feel for Hae Soo. She remained the only one he had ever confessed his love to. Now when he looks back he realized that he was always trying to find Hae Soo in every woman. His first college girlfriend had her spirit. The second one had her bright eyes. Another had her hair. Yet another had hands callused like hers. But none of them were Hae Soo. 

Hyun Soo too left an unexpected void in him. On his worst days drinking himself to sleep in the quiet of his apartment he found he missed Hyun Soo’s sardonic smile, his calm visage, and his steady nature. His college friends lacked Hyun Soo’s soundness and his work friends were pretentious. There was no longer anyone he could go quietly have a beer with on a roof. There was no one to reach out to about small silly troubles, about his mother’s second husband, or his father’s drinking habits. Perhaps the bonds people made in their childhood could never be reforged in their adulthood. For better or worse he was stuck with the memory of Hyun Soo whenever he tried to think of an old friend. 

Life was more or less stagnant. But life changed in the moment he walked into Detective Cha Jiwon’s husband’s workshop and saw his childhood best friend. It changed again when he woke up with a hangover in his office to a face he knew better than his own. It changed over and over again as he got himself twisted in the threads that connected the Do siblings. It changed when Hae Soo went to prison. It changed when she left for Paris. It changed when Hyun Soo moved into his home and it changed when he moved out. And it was probably going to change again Moo Jin thought as he made his way to Hyun Soo’s and Cha Jiwon’s home in Busan. 

Hyun Soo and he kept in touch after he moved to Busan. It wasn’t planned. Moo Jin had assumed that he had lost them both yet again. But to his surprise less than a month into his move Hyun Soo reached out to him about one of his articles. Moo Jin replied, curtly. After that, it was a semi-regular stream of texts, nonchalant and non-specific. Until last week when Moo Jin let it slip he was going to be in Busan and Hyun Soo extended him an invitation to his home.

When he reached for the doorbell, he was apprehensive. Would Hae Soo be there too? Why would she? She was off in Paris. But some part of him hoped that Hae Soo would open the door. He could picture her large sad eyes, the defiant set of her mouth, the wrinkle in between her brows. The door of course opened to reveal Cha Jiwon. He had known the detective for many years in different capacities. He knew her as his plucky, sharp associate, then as an ever-looming threat to Hae Soo and Hyun Soo, and then he knew her as a comrade, someone who bore the weight of a secret for the one they loved. He and she were in agreement on that account. The last time he’d seen her was the day of Hae Soo’s last hearing. Everyone was obligated to look presentable for court but all the dress-up in the world could not conceal how wan and lifeless Cha Jiwon had become. But the Jiwon that opened the door was as vibrant and warm as he remembered her being before her world had begun to unravel. 

He hadn’t seen Hyun Soo in almost two years. In the brief time they’d lived together, he had seen a different Hyun Soo. Not the unnerving yet naive schoolboy nor the desperate and hunted fugitive. He was cautious yet open. Casual yet intense. In the quiet moments at their dinner table, Moo Jin had wondered if this was who Hyun Soo really was. However, there was an emptiness in him. A kind of deep, cloying hunger. His eyes were always flitting, his hands always flexing, his feet always drumming. It was as if all his senses were searching for something (or someone) that was out of his reach. Now he was assured that the Hyun Soo before his eyes was who he really was. Hyun Soo rushed to take his apron off as Moo Jin entered their home. In the hour that followed the trio made small talk. Boring adult small talk. About their daughter skipping a grade. About the rent prices of apartments. The weather. The taxes. But throughout it all Moo Jin felt, with acute irritation, the unflinching adoration Hyun Soo felt for his wife. He remembered Hyun Soo emptily gazing out the window on a rainy day, a veiled look of expectation on his face. When Moo Jin had asked him if he was waiting for anything he had replied ‘Yes but I do not know what’. Moo Jin realized this was what Hyun Soo was waiting for. 

There was a serenity and ease in Hyun Soo’s posture now that was never there before. Not even in the uneventful days before Do Min Seok was exposed. Not even in the quiet days of his stay with Moo Jin. It was as if he was completely at peace. An obnoxious level of satisfaction shone in his attitude. If he was a cat he would be on his back, purring right now , Moo Jin thought, his imaginary lip curled in disgust. He could see more keenly than ever how fully invested in Cha Jiwon Hyun Soo was. It was in the way he sat (tilted slightly in Jiwon’s direction even though they sat a respectable distance away from each other), in the manner of his speech, and how he brought up Jiwon in every second sentence (‘did you try this dish? Jiwon made it. She rarely cooks so this may be your only chance’ or ‘the color of the walls? Jiwon picked it’ ‘ah how silly of me to get soup on the shirt Jiwon bought me’) in the way he served her the clam soup (all clams little soup even though Moo Jin was a guest in their home) it was an endless tirade. The entire encounter made him feel sickly with embarrassment. 

After lunch, he was introduced to Eunha who he had never seen very much of. Children were truly astonishing , Moo Jin thought as he patiently listened to Eunha take him through the entire syllabi of third-grade math. He could see so much of both Jiwon and Hyun Soo in her. Although it was only obvious that children should take after their parents, he still felt awed by the resemblance. In her bright personality, he saw Cha Jiwon. In her sharp eyes, he saw Hyun Soo. In her amused giggles he saw Jiwon’s innocence and in her minute mannerisms he saw Hyun Soo. For a moment his heart seized up. At that moment Eunha reminded him so much of a young Hyun Soo. Moo Jin felt a blinding wave of elation for Hyun Soo. How he had struggled. How he had fought. It was all to end up in this quaint home with his wife tucked into his side and his daughter reciting the multiplication tables in the light of the setting sun. How happy he was for Hyun Soo. How utterly thrilled. Eunha reminded him painfully of the childhood he had lived and lost with Hyun Soo. There was a pricking nostalgia in meeting your childhood friend’s child. Suddenly life seemed so vast and long. The past, a blurry long path, and the future a dark and uncertain one.  

His phone buzzed. Moo Jin straightened up immediately when he saw the sender’s name. And then slumped again. Hae Soo. His heart seized up. 

Hae Soo and he….were in regular correspondence. She sent him pictures of the sights and horrors of Paris. She spoke of her art. She spoke of the friends she made and how much she missed home and Hyun Soo and…him. She berated him for not shaving every time they Facetimed. She sent him long voice notes whenever her work didn’t go right. 

Their relationship would likely never go back to what it was when they were children, the ease, the naivete, the inherent trust were all lost between the decades that had passed but this was the closest to what it had been. He was Do Hae Soo’s confidante once more. Once more, he was privy to her rich inner life and her brilliant mind. That should be enough. For now. He glanced at the message again and sat up again in shock

“Yah Do Hyun Soo. Your sister is coming back?? Why didn’t you tell me? I thought she wasn’t returning till next year?? What is going on?” he asked Hyun Soo

A sheepish look passed in between Detective Cha and Hyun Soo. 

“Actually… there's a reason we invited you here. And Hae Soo-ssi too….We are getting married..again….in 5 days” Cha Jiwon replied looking mostly enthused and only slightly sheepish. 

“Technically this is my first marriage as Do Hyun Soo” Hyun Soo replied in a tone that he thought was deadpan but was actually nauseatingly flirtatious. Detective Jiwon thumped him on the shoulder abashedly and scolded him sweetly (if Moo Jin could have died then he would have but he had to see Hae Soo one last time before he choked himself out or choked Hyun Soo out)

“You guys…you guys. You should have told me Hae Soo was coming” He was on week 5 of not shaving and with all the drinking…he was not in the right frame to see Hae Soo right now. 

Later in the night, Hyun Soo and Moo Jin drank out on the patio (Hyun Soo drank beer, Moo Jin drank coffee even though there was no hope of getting rid of his beer gut in the five days he had left before seeing Hae Soo for the first time in two years. 

“I still think you should have told me about the wedding. I don’t even have a suit to wear to the ceremony” Moo Jin lamented

Hyun Soo scoffed and rolled his eyes in his typical way. “So don’t wear one. Come in sweatpants for all I care. This ceremony is about Jiwon and me, not six feet of you sweating in a three-piece” 

Moo Jin scoffed back 

“So….wedding huh? Are you……excited?” 

Hyun Soo shrugged. He seemed to think it appeared nonchalant but the the trained eye could tell he was practically vibrating out of his skin with enthusiasm. He took a sip of his beer. 

“For so long, pretty much since I first met Jiwon, before I even remembered who she was, I was jealous of whoever her husband was. And then jealous even more after I found out it was me. There was this person I loved more than anything in the world and I spent a whole lifetime with her but on paper, she’s married to a dead serial killer. It bothered me. I know there is not much value in a piece of paper. In my heart, I have been married to Jiwon since I set eyes on her. I belong to her but in the real world, it matters. I want her to be Do Hyun Soo’s wife. I want Do Hyun Soo to be the husband of Cha Jiwon. I want to be bound to her in every conceivable way. Legal is just one of those ways” 

Moo Jin stared at Hyun Soo’s profile. The bastard must be drunk as hell he thought looking at the deep flush across his cheeks. This was the longest speech he had ever heard out of Do Hyun Soo. 

“You’re drunk you fool. Go sleep with your wife” Moo Jin pulled Hyun Soo off the chair. Drunk off of a few measly beers. What an old man. 

Moo Jin watched Hyun Soo waddle through the common areas. The bastard was drunker than he thought. 

Cha Jiwon suddenly walked out of her room and rushed to him. 

“Why did you drink so much and why are you running around without your slippers? You know how cold your feet get” she fussed over him. Moo Jin watched Jiwon sit Hyun Soo down, put his slippers on his feet and force-feed him warm water. The way she brushed his hair back, her hand on his back as she guided him back to their room. Moo Jin thought of a life he had never lived. He had missed out on this. This familiarity, this comfort, this support, this love. 

Moo Jin fiddled around on his phone. Separated from all his work folders was one folder with a singular picture. It was a grainy picture of a young Moo Jin and Hae Soo. Shortly after their relationship changed, they wanted to go on a date like the other couples. But the town was small and they were young and didn’t want anyone to find out so they ran away to a far away cafe. He could still remember the smell of the cafe, the click as the camera went off, the warmth of Hae Soo’s rosy cheeks as he leaned over to kiss her. They were frozen in time like that, Hae Soo’s red face and Moo Jin’s self-satisfied smirk. 

He remembers stopping at his place on the way back because of the rain. He remembers fussing over Hae Soo like Jiwon did over Hyun Soo. 

He remembers wiping her hair dry and chastising her and then Hae Soo leaned in to kiss him. He wishes time froze then. He wanted to be frozen in that moment, Hae Soo’s mouth on his, the world disappearing beneath the sheets of rain, the smell of Hae Soo’s shampoo mixed with the rainwater. If he hadn’t abandoned her…would they…could they have been like Jiwon and Hyun Soo now? An old married couple that took care of each other and scolded each other and worried about their aching backs and knees. 

Moo Jin sighed deeply and leaned back. 

The day of the wedding dawned bright and early. Eunha was funnily the first one up. She claimed the excitement of seeing her parents get married didn’t let her sleep. Hyun Soo was up shortly after, with all the vigor of a young bride. Moo Jin of course had barely slept. He spent the whole night tossing and turning at the prospect of seeing Hae Soo again. Jiwon was the last one to wake up, ever so nonchalant, even on the eve of her wedding. 

Hae Soo would be arriving directly at the venue of the wedding so the rest of them began to pack up to leave for the venue. 

By noon, the guests had all arrived (except Hae Soo) and of course, Cha Jiwon’s mother was not attending to show her disapproval which bothered Hyun Soo more than it did Jiwon. She seemed certain her mother would come around. 

Moo Jin sat outside the dressing rooms waiting for Hyun Soo so he could join the proceedings as the best man but Jiwon was the first out of the dressing rooms looking resplendent in a floor-length flowy wedding gown, her hair pulled back elegantly, Eunha trotted out after her. 

Jiwon sighed aloud and sat down next to him

“You know reporter Kim, we will have to readdress what honorifics you are going to call me by” 

“That we do Detective Cha”

“After all, we are going to be relatives by marriage soon”

“Relatives by marriage?-” 

“Soon” Jiwon whispered nodding towards the front door and then-

She had made it in time. Hae Soo had booked a late flight, and to her misfortune, it was delayed many times over but she had made it. 

Her hair was longer. That was the first thing he noticed. Up close, he noticed that she had begun to go grey. When had that happened? How had he not noticed on camera? When had he stood up and walked towards her? It didn't matter. None of it mattered. Do Hae Soo was here. 

Jiwon excused herself and walked towards the main venue. The wedding was about to begin after all. But it didn’t matter. For a singular silent moment, it was just him and Hae Soo. Do Hae Soo. His first and last love. 

“Noona? You made it!” Hyun Soo walked out finally, fixing his cufflinks 

The bastard had stolen his line. 

“I wouldn’t miss my baby brother’s wedding for the world” Hae Soo walked towards Hyun Soo and held out her arm. “Fancy a walk?”

When Hyun Soo smiled, Moo Jin swore Hyun Soo looked 16 again. And when he followed the Do siblings out the door, for a moment, he too, felt 16. Once again, it was them against the world. The Do siblings and Kim Moo Jin

Technically it was not traditional for the groom’s sister to walk him down the aisle but hell, not a single thing about this wedding was traditional. The bride’s mom was in absentia, the groom was an orphan so obviously, no one from his side, their daughter was literally IN the wedding procession, and so were people who had actually tried to arrest the groom a few years ago (the detectives from Jiwon’s old job nodded at him from across the dias)

Hae Soo and Moo Jin took their place behind Hyun Soo as the wedding took place. 

From his vantage point, he could see Jiwon better than Hyun Soo. 

As a colleague, he had always known Jiwon to be a sort of no-nonsense, rough and tough kinda woman but clearly, she was very different with Hyun Soo. She smiled through her tears and gripped Hyun Soo hand’s for dear life, as if he would disappear if she let go, even for a moment. 

Hyun Soo awkwardly cleared his throat. 

“I would like to say my vows first because I’m not sure I can maintain my composure after hearing Jiwon’s” 

A smatter of chuckles echoed in the hall. Do Hyun Soo making a crowd laugh? How the times had changed. 

“Jiwon-ah” he inhaled roughly and tried again “Jiwon-ah” Looks like he had already lost composure, Moo Jin mused

“Once, to be cruel I had mocked you by saying ‘I have no memories of you but my feelings for you remain just as’ but Jiwon-ah I know now that that is the truth. You once asked me why I still love you even though I don't have most of my memories anymore. It's because you can not be erased from me. You can get wiped off my brain but you are etched in my ribs, you're a song in my blood, you're every beat of my heart. There is no me without you”

“So Jiwon-ah, today I’m telling you, openly, honestly-.My memories of you may be gone but my feelings for you remain the same. I'm brave enough to say that openly now. I am no longer regretful or reaching for the past. I am looking towards a future with you. I have already spent a lifetime with you but there is another lifetime left for us. And it starts now. Or maybe it started all those months ago when I opened my eyes in a hospital room and saw the most beautiful woman I ever saw. When it started doesn’t matter. What matters is how it ends. With us together.”

Moo Jin could only see the back of Hyun Soo’s head but he saw Jiwon wiping tears off his face and that somehow made him tear up. He had obnoxiously offered his handkerchief to Hae Soo before the ceremony but now he slyly snatched it out of her hands and dabbed at his eyes profusely. Hell, it was his best friend. He gets to cry a bit too!

Jiwon took her own time wiping her tears before starting her vows. Hae Soo quickly dried her eyes in the meantime too. 

“Jagiya. Some people think love is a feeling. Others think love is a choice. One snowy night almost two decades ago, I felt something for you. And then I chose to continue feeling that way. I chose you when we moved away from home, hand in hand. I chose you through the gains and pains of life, I chose you when we started a family together” She reached over to rub Eunha’s head.

“And I chose you when I found out that you had a different name and a different past and a different family” She looked over to smile at Moo Jin and Hae Soo. 

“Almost twenty years ago on a snowy night, I chose you and here I vow to continue choosing you for the rest of my life. Because no matter who you are, you are mine, my person. Because I can not wait to spend the rest of our lives together. In you, I have found my home. And I pray I always remain in that warm embrace. I love you Do Hyun Soo-ssi” 

Hyun Soo leaned over to kiss his new (still) wife and dipped her like they were on the dance floor (nauseating, too cheesy even for Hyun Soo)

There were tears and hugs and guffaws and of course, food, and then there was some dancing

Jiwon danced with Hyun Soo first, then with Hyun Soo and Eunha. She danced with her detective friends too before making her way to him. 

“So reporter Kim, have you decided what to call me?” 

Moo Jin sighed “I know you’re still mad I didn’t tell you I was younger than you when we were working together” 

“That’s true but it’s a good thing we will have plenty of time to think about what you want to call me” and with that, she maneuvered him right into Hae Soo. 

Hae So was wearing a maroon gown. He hadn't noticed that. When he first laid eyes on her all these years later all he could see were those eyes, the grey hair at the temples, her smile, the curve of her ears. Now he could really take all of her in. This maroon was a perfect match to the color of the skirt she wore to their first date, all those decades ago. Moo Jin felt his heart thump in his chest. 

“We haven’t spoken much since you began work on your exhibition. How did it go?”

Hae Soo smiled. It was such a small thing but he had not seen her smile this happily since they were kids. He saw how much happiness the time away had brought her. 

“Great. They have asked me to do another one.” Perhaps if he loved her less, he could resent her for leaving again. Of course, she was leaving. Look how happy being away had made her. 

“This time, in Seoul” Moo Jin stumbled. He looked into Hae Soo’s eyes and the world felt full of possibilities again. His boss had been asking him to switch back to his original department anyway. And he already had a house in Seoul. He could see Hae Soo sometimes. Often, even. 

“So you are going to be here at the very least for a few months?”

She shook her head. “I have taken up some commitments here too. I will be here for at least two years” 

Two years. If that was all the time he would get with her he was grateful for it. He could imagine two years of walks in the parks, Hae Soo’s paint-stained palms, quiet dinners, and frequenting her workshop. Two years of being a spectator to the bright and brilliant mind of Do Hae Soo. it was enough. It was truly good enough for him. 

“The problem is that, since I plan to stay in Seoul for a long time, I want to find a place. Good thing Hyun Soo told me you have a house in Seoul. Are you looking to sublet it at all?”

An innocuous question on it’s own but it was that smile. It was the smile. The smile on Hae Soo’s face was the same smile she would give him from her front door while sending him off, the same smile she smiled at him from across the playground, the smile she smiled right before leaning over and kissing him in his bedroom twenty years ago. 

Moo Jin felt the sudden urge to look for Hyun Soo. They immediately caught each other’s eyes across the hall. Hyun Soo grinned and shrugged, his eyes shifting to his sister.  

Moo Jin cleared his throat. “Yeah I think I’ve got some space for you” he replied leaning into Hae Soo’s arms.