Archive of Our Own ^beta

The pills rattled in the bottle like music, Seungmin’s heart thumped loudly in his ears; a clear reminder he was still alive and breathing. Opening the cap revealed big white and blue pills that made him smile excitedly. The digital clock on his desk shone 2:17 am brightly in red, and surrounded by that were the pages of his unfinished essay that he wouldn’t have to worry about ever again.

Not wanting to waste any time he poured a handful and popped a few into his mouth, drowning those easily with a few sips of the glass of water on his table. He took more, not wanting to go too fast and accidentally choke; although his excitement wanted him to take the rest all at once. He waited all his life for this moment, he could wait a little bit more.

Once he was all the way through the bottle he was able to rest his fuzzy head against the cool wall in his bedroom, waiting for the end.

He smiled and closed his eyes.

…

Seungmin couldn’t say that he expected a bright light greeting him at the end- not saying he was a terrible person or anything but Heaven seemed too good to be true. And he knew that when he made the mistake of opening his eyes and saw the blue dinosaur sheets on his bed instead of stereotypical angels.

He groaned and rubbed his head where a small headache lingered but then sat up abruptly realizing he was placed in a different spot than where he remembered; instead of the hard floor and wall he layed comfortably in his bed.

“What the hell.” He said out loud, walking up to his door and checking that it was still locked like he left it. Eliminating the idea that his roommate found him and moved him in his sleep- which already was an odd idea anyways.

Seungmin turned around and saw that the empty pill bottle still layed dejectedly where he left it, he sighed and picked it up. It wasn’t all that surprising that only one bottle didn’t take him out, it was just disappointing.

Deciding that he probably just moved himself to his bed before falling asleep, he finally turned to face the reality he tried so hard to get away from.

The time was still early before his first class which gave him enough time to finish his essay and get ready for school. Grabbing his glasses on the bedside table he yawned and got to work.

…

The paper spread all over the white hallway along with his third period math book. A loud mocking laugh taunted him from above, his glasses pushed oddly on his nose causing him to groan and fix them while staring up at the perpetrator from where he laid on the floor. Hwang Hyunjin stared back at him with disgust and amusement.

“I think you dropped something.” Hyunjin kicked at the papers like he wasn’t the person who pushed him, making his once neatly organized papers unorderly.

Seungmin sighed and sat up a tiny bit, knowing full well that responding would only get him in a worse case, he cursed himself out in the head for trying to take a more secluded way to class.

Hyunjin frowned when he realized Seungmin wasn’t up to responding, grabbing Seungmin’s brown locks and angling him so they stared eye to eye.

“Don’t ignore me Kim Seungmin.” Seungmin stayed quiet, Hyunjin sighed and let out of his grip. “Don’t be late for your next class.”

He walked away from Seungmin’s unmoving body, stepping on a piece of paper and leaving an ugly footprint.

He couldn’t stay on the ground forever though- as much as he would love to, the reminder that he had a class to go to prevented him.

The papers on the floor weren’t hard to pick up but Seungmin did want to kill himself when he saw the damage Hyunjin’s huge feet did to one of his math notes. But he had bigger problems than trigonometry, and his current one was the essay he had to give to his professor.

…

His yellow umbrella fought a losing battle against the pouring rain while running back to his apartment. The cold bit at him through the holes of his sweater and the parts of his soaked pants his umbrella couldn’t protect. He slowed as he got to the stairs, going one by one so he didn’t slip and break his neck- which didn’t sound that bad now that he thought about it. He entered his apartment and quickly got out of his soggy shoes and socks and ripped his black facemask off the same time he spotted a blonde male in view.

He and Felix stared at each other awkwardly, Seungmin knowing the male was probably analyzing the unfortunate large, brown bruise that sat right where his glasses usually did.

But Felix didn’t say anything, and after a few more awkward seconds walked right past Seungmin to put on his colorful converse and get his own red heart shaped umbrella. Probably getting ready to leave to go to his boyfriends’ house like he did often anyways, Seungmin looked away and went to his own room carrying his soggy socks and backpack. The atmosphere felt even more out of place standing alone in his room, a reminder that he didn’t have a boyfriend to go hide away at.

He just wanted it all to stop.

…

He watched as the red liquid ran down the white tile into random shapes and lines and he frowned, realizing it would be a pain to scrub off. Welp it wasn’t any of his worries, he closed his eyes trying to blink away the tears that gathered at his eyes. It didn’t help that both his wrists stung like a bitch, something that he should be used to considering the faded red lines on both his arms and thighs, but he seemed to never get used to anything.

He felt relieved in a sense, just like before he was high on the adrenaline rush and excitement held strongly on him.

This. Seungmin laughed brokenly. This had to be the last time, he was sure of it.

He shut his eyes.

…

“What the fuck!” Seungmin yelled from his bed, he looked around confused on the verge of a breakdown.

He was in the bathroom just a few seconds- hours ago? He guessed from how red-brown flakes were peeling off his wrists, which were somehow closed up into scars. He ran out of the room and into the bathroom, seeing the dried blood drops and even the razor he used laying on the floor.

It didn’t make sense, nothing made sense. How- he stared at the closed up scars on his wrist, this is not real.

A loud cry left his lips, he gripped his hair roughly.

He was so close, so close, so close, so closesoclosesocloseclosecloseclose

Life was playing a sick joke on him.

…

He had to find a way to kill himself, Seungmin walked the hallways of his school quickly to his math class. He sat down at his desk and pulled out a bright red notebook, flipping to a page with a million things listed on it. What he assumed so far that after every attempt he, somehow, respawned in his bed like a minecraft character unharmed. He stared at the words for a few more seconds until a realization hit him. Maybe it never worked because he was already in his home, what if he killed himself somewhere else.

He shot up from his seat a few seconds before the bell rang, shoving his notebook into his backpack and rushing out of the classroom. People stared at him but he couldn’t care less, walking down hallway after hallway til he entered the bathroom farthest away from the entrance- also the least used because of that. In the background while walking to the last stall he heard the bell ring faintly- like the start of a poorly made horror movie, but instead of a horrendous monster coming to kill him, the only monster there was himself.

…

Hyunjin gritted his teeth as he walked down the hallway further and further in the isolated parts of his college. He tried calling out to Seungmin right after he ran out of his classroom but that freak ignored him and kept walking, and Hwang Hyunjin wasn’t someone to get ignored. He yawned, stretching his shoulders back after finally finding the place he was looking for. It took him longer than expected after he got lost from Seungmin after too many hallways like a maze, but if not here then where else would he be.

“Seungminnie~” Hyunjin faked sweetness, stepping into the bathroom and walking around to the mirrors. “Are you here?”

Seungmin, of course, didn’t answer but Hyunjin already knew where he was. Walking to the only closed stall in the entire bathroom.

“You can’t hide in there forever, freak.” He placed his hands on the door, making his words harsher and louder.

In the corner of his eyes he saw red leaking off down the floor of the stall and stopping right in front of his shoes.

“What the hell.” Hyunjin looked confused before snapping into panic, “Seungmin!”

He banged his fists on the door, the puddle on the floor growing bigger in size.

“This isn’t a funny joke, Seungmin! Answer me!” He became more frantic until the door swung open mid-hit and almost made him fall forward into the bloody empty stall.

“What. The. Fuck.”

…

Seungmin was annoyed but not practically surprised waking up in his bed, happy to at least see that his bookbag somehow respawned with him. He was more so annoyed at the missed lessons than the unsuccessful attempt which just made him feel disappointed. He yawned and walked to the bathroom to wash off the lingering blood on his wrists, putting them both under cold water and watching it flake off and turn the water pink. He would have to update his notebook about the findings and try again another way soon.

He sat down and tried to finish the missed assignments that were slowly starting to pile up, he heard down the hallway Felix entering the house and hoped the male didn’t see any blood splatters left in the bathroom when he went to go shower. Seungmin stared at the computer till the numbers blurred to words.

…

It’s been a few days since Seungmin’s last suicide attempt and he was already feeling the need creeping up on him again to try again. He sat in his anatomy class and stared at the posters on the wall showing drawings of hearts and lungs constantly before feeling eyes burning holes in him. He turned around and saw Hwang Hyunjin glaring at him with his sharp eyes.

Seungmin turned around quickly and tried to keep a steady face, it’s ironic to say this but he didn’t partially have a death wish from Hwang Hyunjin.

Hyunjin didn’t take his eyes off of him for the rest of the class and when the bell rang Seungmin rushed to get out with the rest of the students at the same time but he felt a hand grip his shoulder before he could.

“Meet me at the rooftop during lunch.” Hyunjin said more softly than usual- which was odd, but Seungmin just shook it off as to not make a scene; he nodded out of slight fear of what Hyunjin would do if he didn't.

Hyunjin looked at him for one last time and then walked out as if nothing happened.

…

By the time lunch rolled around Seungmin was sweating buckets, he knew he couldn’t just /not/ listen to Hyunjin- he didn’t want him to get mad and make life more of a hell for him. So in defeat he had to drag his feet up the flight of stairs and up to the rooftop where he saw Hwang waiting for him near the entrance.

“Took you long enough.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes and put his phone back into his pocket, “I thought you were going to not come.”

Seungmin didn’t respond to any of his complaints.

“What do you want Hyunjin?”

“Now that’s not a very nice way of greeting me,” Hyunjin dared to move closer, “Where did you go after class yesterday.”

“Home?” He answered confused, “Where else?”

“Don't!-” Hyunjin sighed, “Don’t lie to me, I know you stopped by the bathroom before that.”

“I didn’t!” Seungmin’s hands started to shake nervously.

“I saw the blood, Seungmin.” Hyunjin stared at him seriously. “Don’t try to hide it, let me see your wrists.”

“No-” He stepped backwards so Hyunjin couldn’t reach him, “Don’t act like you care.”

“I do care-” Hyunjin took another two steps forward everytime Seungmin took one back, “Listen Seungmin, if you’re suicidal you need to tell me so I can fix it-”

“Why? you don’t want to be held accountable for pushing the nerdy to kill himself?” Seungmin laughed cruelly, “Or do you have a savior complex?”

“It’s not like that Seungmin!” Hyunjin finally caged him against the fence and wall so he couldn’t run to the exit, “I just want to help you!”

“Hyunjin…”

Hyunjin smiled thinking he was finally getting through to him, but Seungmins smirk filled him with dread.

“Watch this.”

Hyunjin couldn’t do anything to help him, he had to watch as Seungmin flung himself back and off the ledge. It felt like the world went in slow motion for a while and even if he tried to move his limbs they fell inches short where they needed to be.

“Seungmin!” He shouted loud enough for the entire world to hear him, he gripped the rail and shakenly looked down expecting the worst.

But there was only a splatter of blood.

…

The whole respawning thing really needed to have instant dry cleaning or something, because now Suengmin stood next to his washing machine washing both his sheets and clothes from the huge amount of blood they ended up with. It was terrible waking up in a bed soaked in still fresh blood and a body sorer than ever but it was a price to pay to scare the living soul out of Hyunjin.

He leaned his head against the cool metal washer, letting the cycle pound against his brain for a second; how he even got the confidence to do that in front of Hyunjin was crazy, he was crazy.

He stared back at his reflection that was warped from the metal. Was he really that mentally ill? Did he really not care anymore that the act of taking his own life didn’t phase him anymore, was he really crazy?

It’s not like Hyunjin could tell anybody- nobody will believe him- but now another person knew about his secret. He heard the door open from the living room, probably Felix coming home from one of his classes. Seungmin sighed and knew he had to go back into his room.

“Seungmin.” A familiar voice stopped him in the hallway, he turned around and saw Hyunjin standing there, face pale and frightened.

“Hyunjin.” Seungmin kept his expression blank. “Why are you here?”

“Seungmin.” Hyunjin ran up and looked him up and down, relieved. “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“You didn’t answer me, Hyunjin.”

“Jisung and Changbin.” It made sense that Hyunjin would know one of Felix’s boyfriends, he knew everyone after all. “Listen, we need to talk.”

“We don’t need to talk about anything.” Seungmin wouldn’t just let Hwang Hyunjin walk into his house without his permission. “You should leave.”

“We need to talk about this Minnie-”

“Don’t call me that!” Seungmin had enough for today, his body was sore and hurting every time he moved. “Just go away.”

“Tell me where you went first.” The other bit back just as fast, “What the hell happened on that roof?”

“I’m not going to tell you.” Those words only made Hyunjin look frustrated,

“God, can you stop being so uptight and just answer me for once! I need to know I wasn’t hallucinating you fucking jumping off the roof or not. Please- Seungmin!” Hyunjin looked frustrated and annoyed but deep down Seungmin registered the look of desperation he only saw Hyunjin wear once before.

“I ‘ll tell you later,” Seungmin just wanted to go to sleep. “Go back to your own place, Hyunjin.”

“Can’t you just tell me!” At the same time that Hyunjin yelled, a door opened a couple feet away that had Felix walking out.

“I was just going out…” Felix kept his head pointed to the ground, “I didn’t know you were visiting, Hyunjin.”

“I stopped by for Seungmin.” Hyunjin's face was unreadable, “I was just about to leave.”

“Well uh- see you at school.” Felix grabbed his bag next to the wall and almost ran out of the room.

“Do you think he heard us?” Both of them muttered under their breath, but neither cared to answer.

…

“Your roommate is not a killer, Felix.” Chan, Felix’s oldest boyfriend, scrolled on his computer mindlessly. “Isn’t he built like a stick?”

“Some of the worst serial killers out there were skinny, Hyung.” He played with Chan’s blue bed sheets, “I saw it too! He’s always walking out of his room with blood on him and today he walked out looking like an entire bucket was dumped on him! Do you not know how suspicious that is!”

“Maybe he just had a bloody nose?” Changbin piped up from where he was mostly silent working on his laptop. “The air has been dry recently.”

“A bloody nose-” Felix looked exhausted, “It looked like he took a bath in somebody’s corpse, how does a bloody nose do that? Also the blood found on our floors and school recently- how do you excuse that!”

“Maybe he’s struggling?” Of course his Hyung’s would try to rationalize with a serial killer, “How do you know the blood wasn’t from him?”

“It’s Seungmin, Hyungs.” The youngest laughed, “Do you think he’ll really harm himself? He’s the smartest kid in our school- he’ll be dumb to do that.”

“Felix…” One look from Changbin made him shut up.

“Yeah sorry.. I still think he’s a murder though.”

Both of his boyfriends shook their heads fondly, kissing him bye.

“Are you sure I can’t just stay here for the night?” Felix whined, “Changbin always does!”

“Changbin’s college is closer than yours from my house, remember.” Chan kissed the top of the other's head, “You have class the next morning and I don’t want to drive your tired self to school the next day.”

“You guys suck!” Felix whined out, not seriously since in reality he couldn't live without his boyfriends. “Can you come over after classes tomorrow so I don’t have to stay alone with a murder?”

“If it stops you from whining I’ll pick you up from school also.” Chan wanted to coo at how his boyfriend smiled brightly in response.

“Okay Hyungs, see you tomorrow!” Felix skipped out of the door happily.

…

It was a day ago he decided to jump off a building with Hyunjin watching and suffered the consequences.

He kinda regretted it, yeah it was nice seeing how scared Hyunjin looked when he jumped off. How he turned white at the sight of him killing himself. It was satisfying.

But now he had to deal with a sore body and a nosy Hwang… In comparison, overdosing and cutting was way less hurtful and practical.

Oh god, listen to him now- ranking suicides, maybe he really was crazy.

Seungmin tossed and turned in his bed, messing up the freshly cleaned sheets. No matter what form of suicide he tried nothing seemed to work, heck he fucking jumped off a building and that still respawned him back here… But what if he did it here? Would he still respawn in the place he died? It was a stupid idea but what else did he have to lose? He was desperate to try anything at the rate.

There was a rope in his closet that he used to hang his clothes to dry with before he had gotten a dryer, that was just long enough to tie it into a nice knot and still have a bunch hanging off. If he just used enough force- wrapped the rope tightly, just maybe it would work.

He grabbed the rope and sat down back on his bed, looking at the rough texture he was holding and starting to tie it into a knot he hasn’t used since middle school. He made another loop at the end, stuck his foot through it and put the big hole around his neck and pulled. The rope snapped up to his neck fastly, cutting off his air flow for a second before he brought his leg back up to save himself. Annoyed, he tired again, this time able to choke himself for a longer period of time than before; but just like last time when it got too much he had to stop.

‘This wouldn’t work’, Seungmin thought bitterly,’ I have to make sure my feet stay down’.

He rummaged his bed side for the zip ties he kept for practical reasons like moving, and tied his foot and one of his hands to the top and bottom bunk so he laid flat on his bed like a starfish.

Then it was finally working.

His body thought against the restraints only worsening the rope around his neck and making his head even dizzier. Eventually he passed out and woke up again with the rope still wrapped tightly around his neck, the same cycle repeating itself until all Seungmin could do was lay there in pain.

…

Hyunjin didn’t smoke much, only when he was extremely stressed and annoyed so the situation with Seungmin only made his smoking habit worse. He was so far gone that the pack he had was almost gone and only held two more.

‘You should stop smoking so much.” Another source of his stress came from beside him, Han Jisung- his enemy turned friend.

“You should listen to your own advice.” Hyunjin gestured to the vape sitting on Jisung’s kitchen table. “Who even vapes now-a-days anyways, that’s lame.”

“But it tastes like candy,” Jisung pouted and leaned into Hyunjin’s personal space more, “Do you want a taste.”

“Back off Ji.” He pushed him away, “Not now.”

Jisung sat back down and suddenly went quiet, which scared Hyunjin that he accidentally pushed it too far.

“Jisun-”

“Who are you thinking about?” Jisung tilted his head like a confused puppy, “You’re never so stressed that you smoke almost an entire pack and reject a makeout session.”

“I’m not thinking about anyone.” He lied,” why do you want to know so bad.”

“Because we’re friends, Hyunjin.” Jisung wiped a fake tear from his eye, “I want to know who managed to find their way into your heart.”

“Jisung what do you do if someone is suicidal?” Jisung stilled, and suddenly turned serious.

“Hyunjin are you thinking about…” He looked sad enough to not even say the words.

“I’m not suicidal if that’s what you’re thinking.” Hyunjin blew out another cloud of smoke, “It’s someone I know that is, I don’t know how to help them.”

“The only thing you can help is to show them love and support,” Jisung swatted away the smoke that clouded his way, “And make sure they don’t feel alone, check in on them often.”

“I’m trying, Ji, but they won’t respond to my texts or calls I sent them today.” The older one furrowed his brows, “Do you think they’re ignoring me?”

“They could be, did anyone hear from them today?”

“I don’t think they know anyone else… fuck, Jisung I’m starting to get worried.”

“Hey let’s not panic- Hyunjin!” Jisung yelled at the boy who suddenly got up and started throwing on his coat.

“Bye Ji! See you later!” Hyunjin shouted, closing the door behind him.

…

Seungmin vaguely heard the door opening up to his room and a scream following right afterwards. The restraints on his wrists and foot loosening before he blacked out again.

It was a pain to open his eyes for the next time, his lashes were covered with hours of dried tears and his throat protested the lack of water.

“Seungmin!” Of course Hyunjin was there, he turned and saw the taller male sitting on the corner of his bed. “I’m so happy you’re awake- I was so worried you managed to hurt yourself real bad this time! God, Seungmin, what were you thinking!”

“Hyun,” Seungmin coughed out, “Water.”

“Oh!” Hyunjin jumped up to his feet, “Of course you would be dehydrated- I’ll be back!”

He ran out of the room and probably to the kitchen, which left Seungmin all alone inside his room. He sat up in his bed and noticed that the ropes were gone and his neck now had a bandage wrapped around it, since he felt good enough to sit up he decided that he felt good enough to stand up also. So shakenly he stood up and tried to follow the same path Hyunjin took to the kitchen, annoyed that his body seemed weaker waking up this time than usual. Was this a side effect from dying so many times? From the time on the clock it hasn’t been that long so that meant he must have died more than 10 times in just 2 hours- a new record. He made it to the kitchen and saw Hyunjin trying to figure out the fancy ice machine Felix bought early into living there, he walked up and pressed the on button for him, watching Hyunjin get surprised at his presence.

“Seungmin! You should go lay down, I told you I’ll be back soon! You need to rest!” Hyunjin scolded him like a worried mother.

“You obviously didn’t know what you were doing.” Seungmin took the cup on the counter and filled it up with tap water and ice cubes, drowning down two cups; his throat felt much better.

“How was I supposed to know it was off!” Hyunjin’s tone was joking until it wasn’t, “Seungmin we need to talk about what happened.”

“No we don’t.”

“Fuck- Seungmin!” Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, “I walked into you choking yourself to death- do you not know how scared I was! I had to watch you die a second time!”

“You wouldn’t If you didn’t come.” Seungmin wouldn’t let Hyunjin hold this against him, “You didn’t need to come over, that was your own choice.”

“How long were you there for Seungmin!” Hyunjin threw his hands up into the air, “Because It looked like you were pretty stuck there for me!”

“I was fine! I didn’t need you to save me!”

“If I didn’t you’ll still be there choking on air right now, do not mess with me Kim Seungmin!”

“I would rather be stuck choking on air than here with you!” Seungmin shouted back, his head pounding. “You should leave.”

“Why just so you can try to kill youself again!”

“Yes!” Hyunjin glared at the answer.

“Then I’m not leaving!”

“Watch then!” Seungmin honestly didn’t know what he was doing, he just felt so angry and frustrated at being stopped again

He ran over to where the kitchen knives were held and pulled out a small but decently sized one.

“Seungmin!” Hyunjin tried to move forward but Seungmin putting the knife to his skin stopped him, “Put the knife down.”

“No, if you want to watch so badly then watch!” Seungmin was about to bring the knife down when Hyunjin ran forward and tried taking it out of his hands, accidentally cutting a small cut in Seungmin’s arm.

“I didn’t mean to!” Hyunjin started panicking, his heart beating thumping through his ears in fear.

“Oh I see now,” Seungmin’s eyes was strangely dark, “You want to kill me yourself, right? Isn’t that why you bullied me all the time?”

“Seungmin I don’t-”

“You have me right here, why not just do it now.” Hyunjin could barely breathe.

“No-”

“Just do it Hyunjin!” Seungmin grabbed Hyunjin’s hand that was still holding the knife in fear and brought it back to the cut.

Hyunjin started fighting out of the hold but Seungmin’s grip was stronger, he helplessly had to watch as the cool metal was placed back into the open skin. His pleas of no's were unheard and mixed together to form muddled words that increased in volume the more Seungmin dug the knife down. Blood was running down both their arms and dropping onto the floor, Hyunjin was crying at this point.

…

Felix stuck a fry in his mouth out of the Mcdonalds bag he and Chan ordered, licking the salt from his fingers.

“Can you just wait until we go home?” Chan whined behind the steering wheel, “It’s not fair that you get to eat before me.”

“You could just let me drive.” Felix knew his suggestion would just be met with a roll of eyes since Chan would never allow him to drive his precious car.

As they pulled up to an intersection small droplets of rain started collecting on the windshield.

“It wasn’t supposed to rain today?” Felix looked up confused on how the sky suddenly went gray, Chan turned on the window wipers.

…

“I'm sorry im sorry im sorry imsorryimsorry.” Hyunjin cried harder, feet barely supporting him up.

Seungmin had two deep cuts on his wrist and other smaller ones from gripping Hyunjin and the knife so hard on his other hand. Both of them collapsed on the kitchen floor, staining their pants from the puddle of blood on the floor. Seungmin hadn’t said anything during the entire time Hyunjin was freaking out and the blank look on his face scared him so much.

Why wasn’t Seungmin reacting? Why wasn’t he crying also?

The entire time he was still gripping the knife but he wasn’t forcing Hyunjin to cut him anymore, he was just…emotionless.

A loud sound of thunder shook the apartment which made Hyunjin wince and hold onto Seungmin closer, he knew he should get up and find the first aid kit or bandages but he was so scared of leaving Seungmin all by himself. He couldn’t deal with it if he decided to try again while he was busy getting bandages, what if he didn’t come back this time.

“Please say something Seungmin, please!” He begged for what felt like nothing but a hopeless dream.

The living room door opened revealing Felix and a bulkier male next to him, gasping at the sight of Seungmin’s limp body and a crying Hyunjin holding him.

“What the fuck happened!” Hyunjin didn’t know who said that, he just leaned further into Seungmin.

“There’s a lot of blood, Chan…” Felix was white and shaking, “Hyunjin what did…”

“Seungmin answer me pleasepleaseplease-” Seungmin’s eyes blankly turned to look at his before dropping back to the ground.

“He’s alive,” Chan and Felix started conversing with themselves, knowing Hyunjin probably won’t answer them. “I think he’s dissociating.”

“Hyunjin can you get up for me?” The other man, Chan said, Hyunjin started freaking out more.

“No no- cannot leave Seung alone!” Chan realized he needed to do this another way.

“I just want to see who’s hurt,” Chan shushed Hyunjin’s cry, “Can you show me where the blood is coming from?”

Hyunjin shakenly shifted to the right showing the two deep gashes on Seungmin’s arm.

“Thank you, Felix-” Chan turned his head to the boy who looked like he was about to throw up, “Can you get me whatever type of bandages you have and a damp rag.”

Felix nodded his head and ran away from the scene and down the hallway where the bathroom was, happy to be away from the blood for a second. Chan looked back to Hyunjin and Seungmin, noticing the hand Hyunjin was clinging to held a large kitchen knife.

“Can you try grabbing that knife for me Hyunjin?” Hyunjin nodded and tried prying it from Seungmin’s fingers- which was easier now that Seungmin looked so out of it. “Be careful not to cut yourself also.”

Hyunjin dropped the knife on the floor which made Chan able to swoop it up and quickly throw it in the sink, Felix returned from the bathroom holding a pack of bandages and a bottle of peroxide with a rag. Chan quickly grabbed it while also muttering a few words of encouragement to the queasy male.

“Can I?” Chan gestured to the cut and the bandages but Hyunjin started hyperventilating again, “I need to clean it up so I can fix it, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin stopped hyperventilating for a second to move to the side a tiny bit so Chan had more space to work, watching him carefully so Seungmin didn’t end up getting hurt more. Chan quickly made work of wiping the blood away and cleaning it so he could wrap it up, his own clothes getting dirty from the blood; he tried to ignore how there were millions of other healed and slightly fresh cuts lingering on both of Seungmin’s arms.

Finally he was done and Seungmin’s wrists were bandaged and Chan noticed sadly that Seungmin also had a bandage around his neck.

“I’m done.” He spoke to the male who was busy muttering apologies into Seungmin’s ear. “You should get cleaned up.”

“Not without Seungmin.” Chan sighed at the other’s stubbornness.

…

“Can you finally tell me what the fuck just happened.” Felix stood in front of Hyunjin who was changed into one of Seungmin’s shorts and shirts, the youngest was still silent but was changed into another shirt and was whipped down quickly with a towel. Chan left recently saying he had work soon.

“Seungmin tried to make me kill him.” Hyunjin muttered the words sadly, looking away from the shocked other.

“What!?” He looked like he didn’t believe what he was saying. “Is he crazy!”

Hyunjin glared at him and that’s when Felix realized that his words may have been too rude.

“Sorry, it’s just that… Why would he do that?”

“Why does anyone try to die?” Felix furrowed his brows.

“Like hell I would know?”

“Exactly.”

Hyunjin meant for his answer to be vague as can be, but he knew It was all his fault. He was the one who made Seungmin descend so far, without him Seungmin wouldn’t have tried killing himself the first time.

It was all Hwang Hyunjin’s fault.

…

What was wrong with him?

Seungmin looked at himself in the mirror, having some sort of self-reflection in the corner of his room. His eyebags stood out against his surprisingly thinner face and whiter skin, there were two bandages- one around his neck from the choking and the other around his wrists which Hyunjin probably wrapped for him also. His skin and hair felt grimy like a coat of grease covered him head to toe- also some blood if he thought about it. He looked like the textbook definition of a mentally ill person. What stuck out the most to him, however, were his eyes. They were so… broken- as corny as that might be they held no sort of hope in them at all. Even the first time he tried to commit suicide he was hopeful for the end, for the death that awaited him. But now there was no hope left for Kim Seungmin, for even the afterlife didn’t want him.

He pulled a blanket from the pile of ones on the floor, wrapping it around himself like a burrito. He had no will to do anything, if he wasn’t so useless he would finish the assignments due tomorrow and clean up the mess left behind from yesterday, but what was the point when he would just dirty everything again. As much as he tried to remember what happened the day before he only remembered choking himself to death and then asking for Hyunjin to kill him- everything else was fuzzy. Seungmin liked when it was fuzzy, sure it was scary to not feel in your body but why would he want to be in it in the first place anyways?

He wished Hyunjin killed him. Undoubtedly the man didn’t want a murder charge against him but he would have gotten away with it anyways. It’s not like anyone would care if he passed away- his parents? Seungmin wanted to laugh.

He closed his eyes and laid his head against the cool mirror. The door to his room opened showing the person who couldn’t leave him alone.

“Seungmin, I made you ramen.” Hyunjin didn’t look much better, his eye bags also sticking out against his face.

“I don’t want anything.” He didn’t deserve to eat, much less deserve someone making him something.

“You need to eat, I don’t think you ate much yesterday.” He walked in and sat the bowl next to the younger, sitting down criss-cross-applesauce.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Nope.”

“Eat it, Seungmin.” Hyunjin’s voice sounded wounded and sad which made him pick up the bowl and take a bite, Hyunjin smiled.

The ramen wasn’t bad per-say but the feeling of food going down his throat made him feel sick and he stopped when it was half-way full, much to Hyunjin’s displeasure who frowned in response.

“We need to talk.” For once it was Seungmin uttering those words, knowing he couldn’t just walk away from his problems this time; not when they kept insisting on coming back.

“Oh I,” Hyunjin looked like he wasn’t expecting those words at all. “Yeah we do, can I start…”

Seungmin nodded his head in response, watching the male in front of him stumble to make out the words.

“Is it… my fault?” Hyunjin finally said the words, not even able to make eye-contact with the other. “Did my bullying really push you to try and commit suicide?”

Seungmin wanted to laugh at Hyunjin’s solemn face- why did the person who relentlessly tormented him look more like the victim himself?! But he just frowned in response.

“No.” He muttered, because the answer was true; it was a number of reasons why he attempted…that just happened to be one of them.

“Then tell me why-” Hyunjin looked on the verge of tears again but managed to hold them back. “What made you do this to yourself?”

“Do you remember highschool, Hyunjin?” The boy looked confused but Seungmin kept talking, “Remember how I used to have two friends that would help me escape from my homelife, friends that used to care- who I once thought cared! But now look at me-”

Seungmin’s hands shook.

“I’m just a friendless loser who not even their own parents love! Do you think I like being that way Hyunjin? Do you think I enjoy being lonely every single day, having to watch others live the life I once wished for! So yes- In a way you did contribute to my unsuccessful attempt at killing myself! Is that what you wanted to hear!”

It hurt for Hyunjin to hear those words, to confirm that he was the problem.

“I was just angry about what you did to Minho.” He wanted to explain himself, “You told him yourself you wanted him out of your life- A few years ago remember!”

“I didn’t tell him no such thing.” Seungmin had to wipe a few tears away from his eyes to glare at the other boy, “He was the one who said that to me!”

“What are you talking about,” Both of them were staring at each other confused and angry, “He told me you said it yourself on the night of his goodbye party!”

“Of course he told you that! He wouldn’t want to dirty his image with his friend of ten years now would he!” Seungmin stood up from the floor and pointed to the door, “Look, now you got your answers I suggest you leave.”

“I’m not done talking yet thou-”

“Don’t care. I don’t want you here anymore.” Seungmin interrupted, watching the older male finally get up from the floor and walk out angry; the door slammed on the way out.

…

4 years ago.

Hyunjin laughed as Minho pulled him along the living room, a random song playing on the 30 dollar speakers Minho got for his 18th birthday. It was his hyung’s graduation day- soon he’ll be going off to college studying to become a nurse but for now he danced along with his two younger friends. In the corner Seungmin, his other friend, watched both of them dance with a smile on his lips.

“Come dance with us Minnie!” Hyunjin went up to the cute nerd, trying to get him away from the blue couch. “You never dance with us!”

“Hyunjin is right!” Minho playfully whined, “it’s my last day- don’t you want to say goodbye to your Hyung!”

“I already said goodbye to you Hyung,” Seungmin wrinkled his nose in distaste of Minho’s fake cuteness, “Wasn’t my gift of 20 dollars enough for you?”

Seungmin got up anyway, making both Hyunjin and Minho happy to cheer and pull the taller one into the middle of the living room.

It wasn’t a fancy celebration or a wild party like in the movies with drinks and drugs but Hyunjin still found himself crying anyways.

“I’ll miss you Hyung!” Hyunjin sobbed into Minho’s arms, the other comforting him sweaty; he couldn’t stand that his best friend since childhood was moving away.

“I’ll call you when I’m free,” Minho cooed and petted Hyunjin’s short hair, “I’ll call you real soon don’t worry!”

Hyunjin didn’t realize just how soon it would be…

“Hyunjin!” Minho sobbed on the phone to his best friend, it was only an hour since Hyunjin left the party.

“Hyung!” Hyunjin started throwing on his slippers, “What’s wrong? Do you need me to come over?”

“No it’s fine,” Hyunjin didn’t think it was fine, in all the years of his friendship with Minho he only heard the other crying once or twice.

“You can tell me what happened, Hyung.” Just to lift the mood he added a slightly serious joke at the end, “Do I have to hurt someone?”

“Seungmin hates me.” Minho’s voice crackled over the other side, Hyunjin furrowed his brows.

“What did you say about Seungmin? Is he okay?”

“He hates me, Hyunjin.” He froze and gripped the phone tighter, “Seungmin told me after you left that the only reason he ever hung out with me in the first place was because of you. He never gave a fuck about me- he said he regretted even knowing me!”

“Seungmin said that!? Kim Seungmin?” Hyunjin started pacing his room, hopefully not waking up his parents downstairs. “That’s so unlike him!”

“I know-” Minho coughed out another sob making Hyunjin even more sad for his friend, “Did we really even know him in the first place?”

“I guess not.” Hyunjin felt like his heart just shattered, he was friends with Seungmin for almost five years now and to find out the person you thought you knew was completely different-

Well it was a lot to find out.

“Seungmin can go fuck off.” Hyunjin was lividly talking into the phone, “When I see him the next time he’s going to get it. I got you Hyung.”

After the call he blocked both Seungmin’s number and social media- not before sending him a very angry text saying not to contact either him or Minho again. And Seungmin listened, every time he saw him in the hallways he ran the other way, he didn’t text or bother him or Minho again.

But of course the freak ended up going to the same college as him, he was probably stalking him or something- Minho did say Seungmin liked him after all.

So it was his right to show him a lesson… but Hyunjin wasn’t so sure anymore.

…

Back in the present.

Hyunjin sat down in the bus taking him out a couple hours from town to the more rural side, he was gripping onto his bag and phone tightly in his hands.

What did Seungmin mean by saying Minho was the one who said that to him, did the male get amnesia from the fall; Hyunjin shuddered thinking about the time on the roof. There was no way what he said was true, Minho Hyung wouldn’t do that, he wasn’t petty or mean- as much as strangers tried to say- but would Seungmin really lie about something so serious to him?

He leaned back in the seat, there was only one way to find out the truth.

Going to Minho’s house.

He must have dozed off sometime in the ride because the next thing he knew he was waking up to the announcement and searching the cushions for his phone.

Walking out of the station filled him with a deep nostalgia, it wasn’t the town he grew up in exactly but of one very familiar to such. Which made sense due to the fact that Minho never took lightly to change and most likely moved to this town because of the familiarity. Another plus to the town being rural was that the roads were mostly clear of people and so he could walk freely in the town without having to awkwardly bump into people and run before they could curse at you. The afternoon was slowly coming to an end and he hurried to find the address of his friend, searching the screenshot on his phone of the street and apartment number.

Finally he found himself in front of a brown door with a tacky gold number telling him he was where he was supposed to be, he knocked once…then twice and finally heard a meow and a mumble of ‘Sooniegetawayfromthedoor’ before it was opening to reveal Lee Minho.

“Hyunjin?” Minho looked at him shocked, “Why are you here?”

“I need to ask you a question, Hyung.” Hyunjin saw an orange cat curl itself around Minho’s legs, “It’s important.”

Minho looked confused but let him in anyways, showing him around his house before setting him on a dark yellow couch.

“So what is so important you have to ask me that you couldn’t just text or call me?” His tone was halfway playful but Hyunjin could hear a bit of hesitance and curiosity in the back.

“Remember Seungmin?” His Hyung wrinkled his nose up.

“Yeah I remember him.” He sat the words with a slight bit of disgust that made a feeling in Hyunjin’s gut boil.

“I go to the same college as him and I…” He looked down slightly ashamed, “I haven’t been treating him the most kindly.”

“Is he doing something?” His Hyung suddenly got defensive, “If he’s doing something I’ll beat him up Jinnie.”

“It’s more like he’s doing something to himself.” He emphasized ‘himself’, “He tried to kill himself.”

Immediately he saw the color drain from his Hyung’s face.

“He tried to do what-” It was the first time Hyunjin ever saw his Hyung so shocked.

“Kill himself.” He didn’t know if telling Minho about Seungmin’s personal problems was good but he had enough being quiet. “I think I pushed him to do it, I am the reason why he tried.”

“I’m sure your not-”

“He told me.” Hyunjin didn’t know why he was getting so emotional, “I’m such a bad person.”

“You’re not a bad person Hyune,” Minho just kinda stood there awkwardly, not knowing if he should try and comfort him. “He’s not the most innocent either.”

“About that Hyung-” He knew Minho was referencing to Seungmin’s goodbye. “He said you did something also.”

“What!” Why was Minho suddenly getting defensive, “I didn’t do nothing!”

“I’m not saying you did or didn’t.” He had to get answers, “Be honest Hyung, did Seungmin ever say those words to you?”

Minho sank down on the couch, trying to make himself smaller- or disappear. He looked guilty, a couple long seconds passed before he quietly muttered.

“No.”

The whisper was barely audible, but Hyunjin heard it; he got mad and stood up.

“What the fuck Minho!” He yelled without honorifics just to make the other feel worse, “Did you really make everything up!”

“I did.” The older one stared at the ground in shame, “It’s true- I was the one who actually said that to Seungmin that night.”

“I can’t-” Hyunjin sat back down baffled, “I can’t believe you would lie to me like that.”

“I didn’t mean for it to go this far!” He heard a few sniffles coming from the male, “I thought you would have forgotten about it already!”

“I have been bullying Seungmin for the past few months about this!” Hyunjin’s cheeks were wet, “I’ve been treating him terribly for no reason! Why would you do that!”

“Just-” Minho put his hand in his hands, “Just let me explain!”

“Fine.” Hyunjin rested back, too tired and overwhelmed to fight him anymore.

“I would like to say that I never hated Seungmin in the first place.” Minho met his eyes for the first time in the fight.

“Kinda hard to believe, but continue.” He moved his hand forward, Minho started fiddling with his hands.

“It was always you and me, me and you, for years… and then there was Seungmin. A nerdy quiet kid that you brought randomly into our little friendship; and suddenly it wasn’t just me and you anymore, it was you and him. It was always ‘I wonder what Seungmin is doing’ or ‘this reminds me of Seungmin’. It was like I wasn’t even part of your thoughts anymore… Like you didn’t even care about me.”

The other male on the couch made a sound of protest but Minho raised his hand to tell him not to interrupt.

"I know it sounds stupid but you have to understand… I had a crush on you at that time, Hyunjin." He blushed and looked away from the other.

"You had a crush on me!?" He opened his eyes wide.

"I used to." He never saw Minho Hyung so red. “I’m over it now, it was just a little crush I had but you have to understand what I did to Seungmin was purely out of jealousy.”

It was weird to hear that the person he looked up to did something so petty and terrible.

“But if you don’t have a crush on me anymore then why did you keep up the lie for so long-” Hyunjin didn’t know what to feel. “This could have been fixed if you didn’t lie about it for so long.”

“I never meant for it to drag on, but soon time flew by. I moved away and you went to college and I completely forgot about it until today. I figured that, well, it was too late to come clean now. How would you ever trust me again if you knew I did such a petty thing!”

“I would trust you more if you didn’t try to lie about it again!” Hyunjin glared, “How do I know you’re not lying to me about something else also!”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you!” Minho was crying, “I knew you would act this way, I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you wouldn’t forgive me! And I was right, you don’t trust me anymore!”

“I can’t do this.” Hyunjin grabbed his coat he took off when he came, “I’m leaving.”

“No Jinnie please don’t!” Minho scrambled to get up, “I’m sorry! I wanted to tell you, I really did! Please don’t hate me!”

“I don’t hate you.” Hyunjin was exhausted, “I just can’t believe you would do that, you lied to me for five years Minho. I can’t just forgive and forget something like that so quickly. You should be the one apologizing to Seungmin, not to me.”

“I will!” He looked relieved that Hyunjin didn’t hate him, “Just give me his number and I’ll text him!”

“Okay.” The other started pulling out his phone, “But if you do anything else to him I don’t know if I can give you the same respect as before.”

“I promise with my life that I won’t do anything else, Hyun.” He looked a bit scared at the implications of Hyunjin’s words.

Once the number was put into the phone he walked out the door, hoping that the bus wait wouldn’t be too long.

…

They sat in silence, unspoken words making them still. The only one moving around and talking was Changbin who was playing a random rpg game on his pc.

“God dammit,” He took his headset off, a big ‘Try Again’ written on his screen. “Stupid video games, this is why I stick to Mario.”

He suddenly became aware of the dead silence in the room, turning around in his chair to see if he was alone but finding the other two both still there.

“Yah- what is wrong with you two,” It was rare that his boyfriends weren't loud and jumping around.

“Nothings wrong,” Chan answered, Felix nodding next to him.

“Bullshit-” Changbin sat down on the floor in front of them, “Are you two fighting, did I do something wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Both of them said at the same time, not wanting the other to start having insecurities.

“It’s something about school,” Felix lied quickly, “I have a big test coming up and I’m quite worried about it.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine on the test.” Changbin was confused, Felix aced all of his classes and was always confident in his scores. That also didn’t explain why Chan was being so silent.

“Yeah uh-” Felix looked at the wall, “It’s a very hard test so I hope!”

The male was obviously lying. He always rambled when he wasn’t telling the truth, and Chan seemed to know it too by the way he facepalmed.

“I don’t think he’s falling for it, Lix.”

"What do you mean- hahaha-" Felix smacked Chan's arm, muttering not very sneakily a "just go with it."

Chan rolled his eyes, turning to look at Changbin sadly.

"As much as I would love to tell you, Changbin, it's not really mine or Felix's place to say anything."

“You don’t have to tell me anything… you both just look so troubled.” Changbin smiled awkwardly, “Is there really nothing I can do?”

“We can’t even do much either,” Felix frowned, “If it was my choice neither me and Hyung would've even been involved.”

“Felix.” Chan hinted at him to be quiet, the other rolled his eyes.

“Come on, you can’t say you also wanted to see that- it was fucked up.” He made a point of dragging out the last part.

“You shouldn’t say that- he needed help.” Chan looked almost shocked that the younger one was saying such rude things.

“Someone else could have helped him, it’s not our problem!” Felix knew he was being obnoxious but he was stressed and couldn’t care less.

“Help who?” Changbin’s eyes shifted between the two of them quickly.

“Nobody.” Chan answered before Felix could open his mouth.

“My roommate.” He ignored how Chan glared at him, “The one I’ve told you about.”

“That dude? Did he do something weird again?”

“You could say that.” The youngest rolled his eyes. “It’s honestly so messed up you don’t wanna know.”

“Do I need to do something?” Changbin held his fist up, “I could probably beat the kid up in a second if you need.”

“There’s no need for that,” Chan’s voice was oddly calm, “Felix just needs to keep his mouth quiet.”

“You don’t tell me what to do.”

Both boys turned to the other in shock, confused that he was acting more like a brat than usual.

“Felix, haha- you should probably listen to Chan Hyung alright.” Changbin’s eyes shifted between the two anxiously trying to diffuse the tension.

“No! I’m sick of you two- Chan, telling me what to do all the time and treating me like a baby. I’m fucking 22 years old for gods-sake but neither of you see me as such!” The older boys flinched at the sudden snap, Felix stood up out of anger.

“Felix.” Chan looked like he wanted to stand up too but was controlling his anger. “Sit back down and let’s talk about it, stop acting like a brat.”

“See this is what I mean!” He threw his hands up in the air, “You’re treating me like a kid getting scolded by his parents! Do the both of you even believe me when I say things at this point!”

“It’s hard to believe you when you choose to act like a child!” It was rare when the oldest raised his voice and everyone could see the hurt flash on the younger’s freckled face. He opened his mouth to apologize when Felix cut him off.

“Fine if that’s how you see me, then I’m leaving!” He hurried to put on his coat, Changbin stood up to stop him when Chan put a hand out stopping him.

“Just let him go, he’ll calm down eventually.” He shushed Changbin’s complaints and let the youngest run out the door, slamming it on the way out.

…

The phone has been staring back at him now for almost an entire 30 minutes, the words on the screen fully ingrained in his head but so unbelievable he couldn’t help but read again. It was a message from an unknown number, how they managed to get Seungmin’s number he didn’t know, but the supposed ‘sender’ from the messenger is what truly shocked him.

Lee Minho.

A name Seungmin hadn’t mentioned since a week ago with Hyunjin. A name that only held bad memories and pain. A name he thought he’ll never see or talk to again but seemed to have decided to reach out.

The message was short but confusing for him.

‘Hey Kim Seungmin (I hope this is the right number this would be really embarrassing if not) It’s Lee Minho from highschool, you might remember me being friends with you and Hyunjin. You may also remember what I’ve said to you the last time we saw each other, I want to apologize. Can we meet up sometime next week? Please answer…’

He blinked his eyes, wishing that when he opened them again the text would be gone.

Why would Lee Minho be texting him almost five years after, how did he even get in contact with him years later?

Unless…

Hyunjin.

Seungmin gritted his teeth, leaving the conversation with Minho and entering Hyunjin’s; calling him immediately.

“Seungmin?” Hyunjin sounded tired, “Why are you calling so late at night, are you okay?”

“Did you contact Minho?” He cut straight to the point, “After that talk we had a few days ago.”

Hyunjin was quiet for a moment, confirming Seungmin’s expectations.

“You did, you fucking asshole why would you do that!”

“I wanted to know for myself-” He sounded slightly guilty on the other side, “Did he do something?”

“He sure did.” Seungmin let out a harsh laugh, “The fucker wants to meet up to say sorry, do you fucking believe that? God I can’t imagine what you told him to make him want to do that.”

“Well that’s good at least.” The other let out a cough, “He wants to make amends, you should take him up on it.”

“I don’t want to meet up with him, Hyunjin.”

“Why not?” Seungmin looked at the phone shocked like the other could see him through the glass.

“Are you fucking crazy! Do you not remember my last encounter with him? Why would you even give him my number in the first place?”

“Listen.” The angry boy pursed his lips to hear Hyunjin, “I talked to him about it and he’s actually sorry about it. He regrets what he did.”

“If he actually regretted it he wouldn’t be waiting almost half a decade to say sorry. Hell you didn’t even know the truth up until a week ago!”

“Just give him a chance, please.” He could hear Hyunjin’s voice pleading, “I promise you he’s serious, if anything happens I’ll give you full right to get angry at me; but hear him out first.”

“I really don’t wanna do this Hwang.”

“I know, I know.” He talked as if he understood him. Seungmin knew he never could. “Please just see him and if you want to leave at any time you can.”

Seungmin rubbed his forehead.

“What if I don’t?”

“Then you don’t.” His voice sounded sad, “I’m not going to force you, but I also think you should go. It will make you feel better.”

“Fine.” Seungmin blamed his decision on being sleep deprived, “I’ll go.”

“Really!” Hyunjin was shocked but he sounded happy, “Thank you so much Seungminnie, I’m sure you won’t regret it.”

“I hope I don’t.”

…

Was it too soon to leave?

Seungmin thought, chewing on his fingertips til flakes of skin were peeled off.

After the call with Hyunjin he returned back to the texts with Minho, leaving a short but simple: ‘okay, when is your next day off?’ in which he texted back saying he was able to go out a few days later.

So now, on that dreadful day, Seungmin stood outside a cat cafe a little out of town. The location was picked out by Lee Minho and while he wanted to complain and say he was allergic (not like he hadn’t told Minho before) he kept his mouth shut.

He saw him the moment he turned the corner of the street, he looked completely different but somehow the same. His hair was longer than before and dyed purple but he still dressed in knitted sweaters and walked with little care.

It made Seungmin’s gut twist.

“Seungmin?” Lee Minho was right in front of him, standing in all of his glory. “You look… different.”

“Thanks?” He didn’t know if it was an insult or not, “Purple hair now?”

“Yeah.” He smiled cheekily, “I wanted a change.”

They walked inside and got seated at a table and immediately a cat jumped into Minho’s lap.

“How have you been?” Minho's voice was soft, he didn’t stop petting the cat in his lap.

“Not well.” He didn’t see a reason for lying, “Although you probably already know that.”

“Listen Seung-”

“Are you two ready to order?” A young waitress walked over, smiling while holding a notepad.

“Oh uhm-” Minho’s eyes quickly looked over the menu, “Can we have two small vanilla lattes, thank you.”

Seungmin didn’t like coffee but chose to keep quiet.

“Coming right up!” The girl walked away, leaving the two of them alone once again.

“As I was saying,” The way he held himself reminded Seungmin of an evil supervillain making their first appearance; the cat in his lap even glared. “I am sorry.”

It’s funny how for years Seungmin wished to hear those words out of Lee Minho’s mouth but now that he did it only felt insincere.

“Are you really?” He saw how Minho looked caught off guard for a second before going back to his cool state.

“Of course I am.” He didn’t like how the older talked like he was stupid, “Why wouldn’t I be sorry, It was wrong of me to say that to you those many years ago.”

“Why did you even say it in the first place?” The girl returned with two drinks and set them both on the table, leaving as fast as she came.

Minho took a sip of his latte through the bright pink straw, he furrowed his brows.

“It’s a long story.”

“I got time.”

The older sighed and let the cat crawl out of his lap.

“I was awfully insecure at the time.” He waved his hand around, “It might sound crazy but I liked Hyunjin and for some reason I thought you were taking him away from me.”

“What!” Seungmin covered his mouth with his hand, looking around to see if anybody had heard his shout. “You really thought that…”

“I did.” He made a point to say it was in the past, “Now that I am older I realize what I’ve done isn’t right.”

“But I don’t get it…” His voice was soft, “You said I was trying to take away Hyunjin from you?”

“Anyone could see I was starting to become the third wheel.” Minho said the words like they were bitter, “It didn’t take a scientist to see that.”

“I thought I was the third wheel?” Seungmin was so confused, “You two were friends almost since birth… I only knew Hyunjin for a year!”

“You were all he talked about. There was never a conversation we had anymore that wasn’t about you and I was sick of it.”

“That’s not my fault though!” He couldn’t help but get angry, “I didn’t control what Hyunjin talked about!”

“I am aware it wasn’t your fault, but my jealousy didn’t understand that.” He sighed and took another sip, “I thought that telling you those things, forcing you out of my life would give Hyunjin back to me. You have to see my side Seung, I just wanted it to be me and Jinnie again.”

Seungmin found it unfair that he had to see from Minho’s point of view.

“So you thought that saying those things would give you Hyunjin back! Will I hope it worked for you, I’m glad I wasn’t forcing myself into your life and taking away your dear love. Oh my apologies Minho-ssi, how wrong of me.”

The older flinched away at the sarcasm.

“Seungmin stop.” He looked around the cafe seeing multiple people looking at them now, “You’re making a scene.”

“Isn’t this what you wanted? To make me seem like the antagonist so you would look better?” He choked down a sob.

“Minnie no…” Seungmin felt like crying more hearing his ex-hyung call him by his old nickname.

“I just don’t understand.” He grabbed his own cup and took a big gulp, the bitter taste feeling icky down his throat. “It’s almost been five years, Minho. Why choose to apologize now?”

“Hyunjin told me about you.” The sentence made Seungmin freeze, but the older one continued talking. “Did you really try to… attempt .”

Minho was obviously talking about his attempts to kill himself.

Seungmin felt like his blood froze over.

“How do you know about that?” He tried to make his voice as stable as possible but it still shook at the end. “What- did Hyunjin tell you?”

Minho nodded sadly, his eyes pitifully looking across the table and into the younger boy's soul.

“I didn’t know that my words had that much of an impact on you Seungmin.” He frowned, swirling his straw in his cup.

“You weren't-” He shakenly exhaled, “You weren't supposed to know about that.”

“I think it’s important to know.” He grimaced, “How else would I have known to apologize if Jinnie hadn’t told me?”

“So you’re only saying sorry because I tried to kill myself!” Seungmin didn’t mean to say it so loud but the stares from the other customers wasn’t the main thing on his mind. “God the both of you are the same, only caring when your actions have caused tragedy.”

“Lower your voice Kim Seungmin, we are in public.” He looked around nervously, “You can’t just be saying those things so loud. Besides, it’s not like I wouldn’t have said sorry if you hadn’t tried to… commit”

“Oh stop lying to me Lee Minho, you wouldn’t have cared. Did you care during the five years after in which you never tried to even reach out to say sorry. Hyunjin didn’t even know the truth. Did you lie to him also?”

Seungmin choked down tears, he wouldn’t allow himself to cry again in front of the person who made him cry all those years ago.

“You’re a piece of shit Minho.” Said one looked at him shocked, letting go of his drink.

“Wha-”

“I'm done.” He got up from the table, his drink barely touched. “You’re obviously not sorry so I don’t see a reason to be here anymore.”

“Don’t act ridiculous.” Minho’s voice seemed more harsh now, “Sit back down and finish your drink.”

“No.” He continued to zip up his coat, “I’m not afraid of you anymore Minho, you and Hyunjin mean nothing to me. I hope the both of you live a happy life, me not included.”

Seungmin tried walking away from the table when a hand reached out and grabbed his sleeve.

“You don’t mean that Minnie. I was your Hyung remember.”

“Not anymore.”

He ripped himself out of Minho’s grip, the other’s hand slowly falling to his side and staying there sadly. Five years ago he would have jumped up at the sight of him looking so down, asking his Hyung what was wrong; but now he walked away.

For years he dreamt to see what sadness looked on his normally ‘hard to read’ ex-Hyung, to finally get his revenge.

The revenge tasted bittersweet.

He passed by the girl who had served him earlier, she waved a goodbye and Seungmin would have also if he didn’t feel like breaking down in the middle of the cafe.

A few minutes down the road did the situation really hit him fully. He stopped on the middle of an empty bridge, looking down at the black abyss of water he finally allowed himself to cry.

Why… Why did nothing in his life seem to work out? Why did everytime he tried to go out of his comfort zone; hear others out, he always came back worse.

It was like everyone had it out for poor Seungmin, like the entire universe was just using him for entertainment from a book or show; and none of his feelings truly mattered in the first place.

He was just a sad show for the others around him, another example of how the world deals out bad cards and the first to get rid of him would win the game.

He took his phone out of his pocket, calling the number who seemed to be first on his list now-a-days.

“How could you?” He sobbed into the phone, his other hand gripping the metal of the rail so hard his fingers were turning white. “How could you tell him?”

“Huh.” The boy was confused on the other side, “Seungmin what happened- aren’t you supposed to be with Minho Hyung right now?”

“I left.” He heard Hyunjin sigh into the phone, “I couldn’t handle it anymore, I’m not a pity show.”

“What happened?” Seungmin wanted to scoff.

“You told him about me trying to die, Hyunjin, that was personal.” He cried, “How could you just reveal those things to him, are you telling other people too? Do you find this entertaining?”

“No I don’t- Minnie it just slipped out accidentally.” He heard the other panic, “I haven’t told anyone else, I promise.”

“I don’t believe in your promises.” He stared into his reflection.

“Don’t be absurd Seung, I was just doing what I thought was best for you.”

He hated how Hyunin and Minho both talked to him like he was in the wrong, like his feelings were not valid.

“If you were really doing what was best for me you would leave me alone!” Seungmin shouted into the dark night.

“Fine.” Hyunjin’s voice was icy cold, “I’ll leave you alone Seungmin.”

He hung up the phone, leaving Seungmin standing there on the bridge with silence.

Stars were starting to form in the sky, telling Seungmin just how late it was starting to get. However, despite continuing to walk home, he kept his eyes fixated on the river.

It was so dark but the moon lit it up, making the water reflect the surroundings. Seungmin wondered if the moon also lit up the inside, or was the water truly just a pit of darkness. That the moment the beautiful picture on the surface was broken he would be sucked in and forever stuck in the dark and afterwards the water would return to its mirror.

Leaving him trapped with no exit.

…

Hyunjin didn’t know why Seungmin seemed so upset by his actions, he was only trying to help after all.

He didn’t respond to the text Minho sent him shortly after the call with Seungmin, a simple text stating that Seungmin randomly blew up at him and left. Making his Hyung embarrassed and shocked at the scene.

It felt wrong to put all the blame on Seungmin when he was originally the victim, but he couldn’t help but be annoyed. All the work he put into trying to fix the troubled soul, all being thrown back at him ungratefully.

He had hoped that after tonight Seungmin would have finally come to his senses and stopped trying to die. He had gotten the attention he wanted and now it was time to stop playing the game of life and death.

How could Seungmin even say he wanted him out of his life without realizing all he had done for him. Were those comforting words and actions not enough proof that he cared?

Hyunjin angrily got up from his bed, he was about to go to sleep but not anymore.

He tapped a few buttons on his phone before putting it up to his ear.

“Hey Sung, what are you doing?”

…

The fight was still fresh in his mind and every step he took away from the apartment just made him feel more guilty.

It was the first time a fight like this had ever happened in their relationship and Felix felt like a jerk for acting so unreasonable.

However even though he was in the wrong, watching Chan Hyung just let him walk out without stopping him or fighting harder just made him feel worse. Was he acting so selfish that his boyfriends didn’t want him anymore? Were they getting sick of him already?

Shaking his head he shivered underneath his coat, it was probably a bad idea to be walking late at night so close to winter; but the decision was made hastily. Only anger clouding over his thoughts during those short moments.

He wanted to turn around and run back inside and beg for forgiveness, but he wanted to give his boyfriend’s space. The next day he’ll say sorry to both Chan and Changbin- heck even Seungmin, he just wanted the guilty feeling to go away.

Felix sighed, remembering how far Chan’s apartment was to his. It would take another 20 minutes to get there and his poor fingers were already freezing, maybe he should call an uber?

He turned a corner, rubbing his fingers together to create heat. There was a bridge coming up ahead, a person standing on top of it looking at the water.

Why would anyone willingly be outside at a time right now? Felix thought, shaking his head and continuing walking.

The closer he got the more the person came into view, a familiar slim figure standing there.

Anyone could have that body shape though, so he quickly put the thought away.

However, his brain screamed at him that it wasn’t just anybody.

“Hey are you alright… Seungmin?” Felix widened his eyes and then chewed his lip guilty. “I should probably talk to you.”

The other kept his back to him, looking at the small waves. He sighed.

“You don’t need to stand here next to me, you can go home. I know you want to.”

“No I want to,” Felix walked closer, noticing the small tumors in his shoulders. “I’m not just doing this because I feel obligated to.”

“You really should have kept walking…” Felix started to worry hearing Seungmin’s dark, dull tone.

“Seungmin? Let’s go home now, yeah?”

“I don’t want you to witness this.” He kept talking as if the other never said anything. “But you left me with no choice.”

Felix held his breath in fear as Seungmin grabbed onto the bar and lifted himself up onto the ledge.

“Seungmin!?” He instantly grabbed onto his shoulder. “What are you doing? Seungmin, are you listening to me!”

“I’ll be awake soon.” He whispered, “I just need an escape.”

Felix’s hands shook but he still wrapped his arms around the younger.

“Whatever you’re planning, I won't allow it.” Seungmin paused, a second of silence between the two.

“Then you’ll just have to go with me.”

Felix screamed terrified as Seungmin used all this strength to throw the two off the bridge. Into the dark embrace of the waves.

…

“Any luck reaching him?” Chan looked at the unanswered screen on his phone.

“Nope.” Changbin chewed on the inside of his lip, “You think he’s still mad at us?”

Chan shook his head.

“Never for this long, he might be asleep… I’ll drop by in the morning.”

Something deep down in Changbin’s chest told him that wasn’t the truth, but there was nothing he could do.

…

“Good Morning Everyone!”

The news broadcaster said cheerfully.

“This morning, around 4am, a boy was found in the xyz river in critical condition. The police department identified him as Lee Felix, 22 years old and a student of the local college. They reported that it was most likely an attempted suicide however more information will be released at a later time. The inquired male is currently receiving medical care at the hospital and will hopefully make a full recovery! Now onto a new story about the newest advancement in climate change.”

Chan held his head in his palms, the hospital chair leaning uncomfortably. He had to beg the nurses to let him in since he wasn’t family the moment he heard Felix was in stable condition.

Guilt ate at his entire being. He was the one who pushed Felix to do that, if he hadn’t yelled at him that night then his love wouldn’t be laying in a hospital bed. Barely able to keep his heart pumping.

The hospital said it was a miracle he was still here, that if they were just a couple minutes later the water would have completely cut off his air flow and killed him. However the damage has already taken place, it was unlikely he would ever be able to breath as clearly as he once did.

“Visiting time is over, sir.” Chan’s legs shook when he got up, feeling like a zombie while walking to the door.

He barely registered getting into Changbin’s car, the ride home, or getting into bed.

…

Knock

…Knock

…

KNOCK

Seungmin groaned, walking to the door with speed.

“Shut up shut up shut up,” He opened it before any more knocks could abuse it. “Oh my god Hyunjin, why are you knocking on my door this early?”

Hyunjin looked pissed, walking into the house without permission.

“We have to talk.”

“I don’t feel like it.” Seungmin was still angry about what happened with Minho. “You should leave.”

“Did you hear about Felix?” Hyunjin cut straight to the point. “Or do you already know and you don’t care about him at all. Not surprising considering who you are.”

“What happened to-” Seungmin got interrupted by a flashback of him and Felix falling into the water together. “Is he…”

“He’s not dead. Surprisingly.” Hyunjin added onto the end bitterly. “Looks like you failed.”

“I didn’t want to kill him, Hyunjin.” Seungmin realized he made a mistake afterwards.

“Oh? So you admit it, you were with him last night!” Seungmin flinched.

“I…” Seungmin took a deep breath, “I was with him last night.”

Hyunjin laughed, Seungmin looked confused.

“How’d you do it?” He continued to laugh darkly, “Pushed him off the bridge, baited him off with your stupid excuses. Wanted revenge on him like you wanted to give to me!”

“I didn’t do any of those!” He looked around frantically. “I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t in my right mind!”

“You could have killed him! Ruined lives- more than you already have!”

“And you act like you’re innocent!” Both were yelling at the top of their lungs, “If I didn’t have the stupid ability that I do I would have been dead also! From your actions!”

“At least I would be doing the world a favor with your death! You only cause pain to others with your suicidal tendances! Having to constantly walk on egg-shells so you don’t slit your wrists!”

The second after he said that his face immediately turned regretful, not meeting the other’s eye.

“Seungmin… I didn’t mean that.”

“You did.” Seungmin tried to shield his face with his hair but Hyunjin could tell he was crying. “You meant every word you said. From the night with Minho to now. I fucking hate you Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Hate me?” Hyunjin was back to his angry state. “After all I did for you?”

“What exactly did you do for me other than just make my life a living hell.” He rubbed his face.

Hyunjin took a step forward, trapping Seungmin in between the wall and him. Looking into his eyes for a second, almost contemplating his next move, before going back to his place by the door.

“You’re fucking crazy,” He tsked, not looking into the other’s direction. “I hope you have a nice life Seungmin because I’m not helping you out anymore. Go kill yourself without bothering me.”

“I never bothered you in the first place.” He tried to retort back, but the door was already slammed.

Leaving the crying boy all by himself again.

…

He had since then accepted that he couldn’t die at his own will.

It’s not like he didn’t try every so often though, the feeling it gave him was thrilling to say the least. It was a want, a need sometimes.

There were many other uses also! Like when he didn’t want to wait for the bus so he’ll speed up the process by stabbing himself, epic teleportation skills.

However, the excitement went away. As did the last bit of happiness in his being.

It took five months for Felix to be released from the hospital, after that he moved out. Not sparing a glance at his direction. When that happened rent went up and he found himself moving to a smaller apartment.

Hyunjin never came over since the fight, and Seungmin was sure he blocked him. Even though he never tried to message him.

School got too stressful and after three more months he dropped out and decided to do retail again.

Retail fucking sucked every last bit of his soul that lingered.

However capitalism wasn’t something he could solve by killing himself, he tried before.

So that left him with a shitty job, home, and life… not that he hadn’t had that before.

Now… it was just quiet. So quiet and lonely. No more Felix talking on the phone too loud, or getting cornered in the school hallways (he was happy for that!).

So… Peaceful.

He had known isolation was good for him when he’d once spent an entire month locked in his room playing minecraft; and his mental health was so much better than before. Yet this was different, there was no one there with him. No one to ask if he was okay or make it worse, however that information gave him both joy and worms in his stomach.

Knowing he would die without a single person by his side, his dead rotting body stinking up his entire apartment until his neighbors got disgusted and sent the police. No one to check in on him or care about his existence.

Such a confusing feeling to have almost disappeared from the world.

Seungmin wonders sometimes, if he ever actually died, how Hyunjin would feel. Or Felix, his parents, Minho?

Would they ever know? What if they completely forgot about him or would never be told? Would his body just be tossed in a fire and his ashes thrown into hell? Will he ever get a funeral or even a tombstone?

What if he just decomposed into the earth and became one with nature. Vines growing around his ribs and fingers. The universe could be happy with him then.

Seungmin had one more idea he could try on himself.

He locked his door, spent almost an entire day moving a heavy bookshelf in front of it so no one could enter. There wasn’t a single window in his apartment so he didn’t have to worry about that.

His kitchen was bare of any food, not even a crumb left behind but he still checked every few minutes to be sure there was nothing.

You see Seungmin was also quite thin, maybe it was the texture issues food gave him. Or the general forgetfulness he held as a child and carried with until young adulthood.

The last time he ate was five hours ago. A warm cookie he bought from a bakery and saved for this day.

If he could see outside he would guess it was raining like the forecast said. He was happy it was sunny outside the last time he was out.

Laying down in bed, his favorite mangas right by his side. He waited.

For the end.