Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Watching the glimmer, pulling across skin, crimson forgiveness.

Dripping down his arms, matting his fur, making everything okay again.

Soaking up, blocking out, and fixing things as best as he can.

This had become Kwazii’s normal lately. For the past, what? Almost a year now?Every time he did something wrong, all he had to do was cut it out of himself. Cut out the guilt. Cut out the shame. He didn’t want to die, he just needed to be punished in a way nobody else would. It wasn’t something he was proud of but it felt like something necessary. It was either this or lash out. And he didn’t want to do that. He’s an adult, he could handle himself. Spill a little blood, to last another day. It seemed like a fair trade.

After he finished bandaging up his arm and covering it with fur, he wiped his tears away and walked to the cafe where he knew someone had to be. He didn’t really want to socialize but he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts either.

“Hiya Kwaz!” Tweak called over to him.

Without really thinking or looking at her, Kwazii flashed a half-hearted smile and made his way over to her table. He sat down without feeling his skin hit the seat.

“What’ve you been up to all day? It’s getting late and I haven’t seen you once!” She asked

“Mmmmm not much” His words came out as muffled as his mind felt. He didn’t make eye contact either, it felt like too much effort, like both his pupils were 10 pound weights. He looked at the blue speckles on the table, finding shapes in the blobs of paint. He heard noises around him but it felt more like static on a TV. He saw things around him but they looked more like blobs out of a frosted window.

“Kwazii!?” Tweak said loudly, now sounding a bit upset “what’s up with you? Are you alright?” She made a face in concern

Kwazii finally looked up and made eye contact, not snapping out of it but still becoming more aware. “Yeah, I’m sorry Tweak, I’ve just been out of it I guess”

“You think so?” She said in a light but sarcastic tone “It’s alright, this week’s been a busy one for us all”

Kwazii nodded

“Not just for us either. I saw even the Cap’n walk into a door the other morning! Smacked his face right into that metal. And the best part? He wasn’t even upset about his face! Just that he spilled his fresh cocoa!” She laughed

Still not really feeling the mood, Kwazii just forced a little laugh

Sensing her failure to lighten the mood, Tweak thought… “You wanna talk about it Kwaz?” She figured if she can’t lighten the mood she might as well see what’s bugging her best friend so much “We can hang out in my room if you want, I’ve got snacks and we can put on the TV”

“Yes please,” He said, in a small voice

Tweak was officially intrigued

— — — — — —

Once they arrived, they both sat on Tweak’s bed. Her fluffy carrot-patterned sheets felt good on Kwazii’s paw pads. He repressed his desire to knead it or curl up and take a nap.

They sat there a while, in a comfortable silence. The TV was playing a youtube video in the background, Tweak was crunching on a bag of veggie straws and Kwazii was nibbling at a catnip cookie to take the edge off.

“What’s on your mind hun?” She tilted her head inquiringly

Kwazii was about to speak but he stopped himself. He just sighed and stayed silent, forcing himself to look away

“C’mon Kwaz, you know you can talk to me”

Kwazii took another deep breath. What does he have to loose? His dignity? Pah! “I just- Do you ever feel like… like you’re below everyone else?…”

Tweak’s ears perked up “how so?”

“Like even when you try your best, you’re worse than everyone else. Like you don’t have a place”

“You have a place Kwazii”

“No I don’t… You fix things, Cap’n directs everyone, Peso heals, Shellington’s the smart one, Inkling’s the resource organizer, and Dashi communicates with everyone on shore! What do I do? Nothing.”

There was a silence

“I’m useless” Kwazii cried as he fell back on the bed

“Don’t say that Kwazii! You do so much for us!”

“But I don’t! I just screw around and mess everyone up! I get distracted then me antics distract everyone else and our mission goes to shit! I’m the lieutenant fer fucks sake! What kind of lieutenant actively makes their crew worse?” Kwazii pulled his legs in and covered his face with his hands “I couldn’t be serious if me life depended on it”

As he cried there Tweak stroked his fur. His ears twitched and his tail lashed with the anger and resentment he felt for himself. When the sobs continued and he didn’t calm down Tweak spoke up again.

“Kwazii, please calm down, you’re scaring me…” She said with much concern

Internally he was wishing he had a knife on him so he could just draw a big line across his chest or something but hearing the fear in Tweaks voice, he forced himself to take some shaky breaths. He was still crying but it was more breathy and slow.

After a particularly long breath, Kwazii let his hands fall off his face. Tweak sighed and flopped down next to him. She shakily grabbed his hand and once again they laid in a stunned but not uncomfortable silence.

Once they both calmed down again Tweak sat up and Kwazii followed suit.

Taking his other hand and looking him in the eye she told him, “You have a huge part here Kwazii, you’re a great lieutenant. You keep spirits high after a long day, you’re the most athletic out of all of us, you’re braver than all of us~”

She paused and let that resonate for a beat

Kwazii sniffed, one final tear rolling down his cheek “thanks Tweak. I don’t know what I’d do without you…”

With a smile Tweak pulled her hands away, a bit of bandage that was covered by his fur getting caught and pulling as she did so, making Kwazii flinch.

“Kwazii?” She asked, and suddenly a new wave of panic washed over her

Chapter Text

He felt light-headed

He stood up and pulled away, practically stumbling backward.

“Kwazii” Tweak said, a panic appearing in her voice

“I- it’s not what it looks like!” He said hurriedly. Even though it definitely was what it looked like.

She looked at him and he put his hands up like it proved something

“I swear on me grandad’s gold!” Sorry grandpa!

More silence

“Please…” Tweak asked softly. She felt like she was dreaming, like this couldn’t be happening right now.

Kwazii stilled but did not come forward

“Did you do that to yourself?”

Kwazii looked down in shame

Tweak made a squeaky sound in her throat

“Can I see?” She asked

He hesitated

“Please?”

Kwazii hesitantly walked over

He held out one of his wrists and Tweak hovered her hand over it, waiting for his approval, then moved his fur and unwrapped it.

“Oh me oh my…” She said. She looked at the scars. First the fresh ones, then she pushed back some of the other fur on his arms and found the old ones. She swallowed deeply.

Looking up at him through her lashes, she said “You know I’m going to have to tell Peso about this right?” She was sorry but stubborn.

“Please don’t” He asked

“I have to Kwaz, you can’t keep doing this”

He looked at her with scared and tearful eyes.

“This isn’t normal. Peso can help and I’d hate myself if you kept-” she couldn’t say it. “If you did it again and I didn’t do all I could to prevent it”

When Kwazii still looked upset she tried again, “Think about it this way, what if it were me who was hurting myself? You’d want to do everything you could to help me, right?”

Kwazii nodded with tearful eyes

“So why shouldn’t I do the same for you?”

Kwazii seemed to accept his fate. He was shaking but his face showed a complete willingness to go if she wanted him to. But she didn’t…

“Get in bed” Tweak said, “You can stay with me tonight and we’ll see Peso tomorrow”

Kwazii let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and climbed into the bed, curling up into a ball of fluff. Tweak grabbed them each a water from her bathroom and laid down herself.

“You know I love you, right Kwazii?”

A smile appeared on Kwazii’s face and he purred a bit. “Yeah… I love you too Tweak, thank you”

— — — — — —

The next morning Tweak awoke slowly. She stretched and yawned, happy because they had a day off today. They needed it. Speaking of needing a day off,

“Kwazii?…” she asked sleepily. There was no reply.

She looked to her side, expecting to see a sleeping Kwazii beside her, but he wasn’t.

“Kwazii???” She called again. A million scenarios ran through her head. What if he left last night? What if he got up to cut again? What if he couldn’t handle her finding out?… What if she drempt up the whole thing? She looked around, finding an orange hair or two in her bed and veggie straws on the counter. Okay, not a dream, but what happened to Kwazii?

She got up and walked to her bathroom door. The light was in and there was a shadow coming from the crack underneath the door. Despite this, there was quiet. She opened up the door to find Kwazii standing at the mirror, picking at the scabs on his wrist.

He looked up quickly, obviously a bit startled

Tweak didn’t know what to say so she just hugged him. At first, he felt like it was a hug of pity but when she refused to let go he hugged her back. It felt so good to be hugged right now.

Tweaked peeked at the time, noting that it was almost 1 PM. Peso was an early riser so he’ll have been up for at least a few hours. She was about to take him down when she realized they should probably eat first

She pulled away, “You hungry Kwaz?”

He made a face

“Not a question,” She said, “C’mon, we’re gunna get some breakfast”

Kwazii complied

— — — — — —

On the way to the cafeteria Kwazii and Tweak passed Peso’s medbay. Just seeing it and knowing what they’d inevitably do there today made a shiver run down their spines.

Arriving there, they found the vegimals at the lunch bar with soups, salads, and sandwiches for them to choose from. Nither of them feeling too peckish, Tweak grabbed a salad and Kwazii a grilled cheese. After grabbing drinks, they sat there, nibbling on their food in silence for around 10 minutes before the Captain walked in. “Good morning sleepyheads! Or should I say, good afternoon?”

At the sudden booming voice breaking them out of their thoughts, Kwazii practically jumped out of his skin and Tweak spit out her V8. They both stared at the captain with wide and tired eyes.

The captain laughed, walking over to the cocoa machine and filling a cup “Spend your whole night off playing videogames?”. There was silence other than the sputtering of the machine

The two looked at each other then back at Barnacles and let out a collective nervous laugh. Safe to say, they weren’t very smooth. Kwazii thanked god that Barnacles was preoccupied with his cocoa.

“Well,” he took a sip of his drink, “don’t stay too sleepy now, you never know when an animal will need our help” he paused “Enjoy your day off you two!”

“Heheh… will do cap’n!” Tweak replied, trying her best to sound genuine. And with that, the captain left.

Not wanting to go back to their awkward silence, Kwazii spoke up. “You know, I’m real sorry Tweak… I didn’t mean to get you all wrapped up in me personal problems.”

“Don’t be, Kwazii. And not to sound self centered or anything but you gotta spill at some point and it’s better me than someone who doesn’t know you as well.” She tilted her head twards him looking for a response.

Kwazii laughed, “Better than me old ‘best friend’ from me pirating days. I once complained to that scalawag about a toothache and he called me over-dramatic. One pair of pliers and gold tooth later and he still called me a kitten for complaining. Can’t imagine what he’d say… now…” He sighed

With one last bite of salad, Tweak stood up looked at Kwazii, “Ready Hun?”

Kwazii stood up to look her in the eye. “Never was, never will be”

And with that, they threw away their garbage and were off to the medbay

Chapter Text

Once again they were off. The halls were quiet today, save for the two sets of footsteps echoing through the halls. And the tension, ‘the air is so thick you could cut it with a knife’ Kwazii thought. Ironic. Between the two of them, there wasn’t a lax limb in sight.

20 meters from the door, then 10, then 5, then none. They stood there for almost a minute, silently building up their courage and readying their responses before Kwazii interrupted, “Alright matey, might as well get this over with asap, right?”

Tweak let out a breathy “yeah” and finally rang Peso’s buzzer.

From their side of the door they heard a muffled “Coming!” and then the sound of flippers quickly waddling up to the door. A mechanical swoosh was heard and as expected, there was Peso. “Hello! What brings you two here?”

Kwazii and Tweak looked at each other for an answer for what felt like the 80th time today, this was going to be awkward.

“Eh… Can we come in first?” Tweak asked, Kwazii nodding from behind for him to say yes.

“Of course!” He smiled, not quite catching on yet. He motioned with his flipper to a table usually reserved for patients and visitors “Have a seat!”

Awkwardly walking over and sitting down in the seats, the three of them sat. Kwazii looked like his head was about to explode, Tweak like she was about to throw up, and Peso was just really confused. After a few more seconds of this, Peso spoke up… “So how are you two enjoying our day off? Do anything fun? Sleep in?”

He was met with more awkward silence…

“You know what? I’m sorry. Tweak, it’s his day off too, we shouldn’t have come here today” Kwazii stood and started for the door. He looked paniced, Peso noted, like he was being held hostage here.

“Oh no you don’t!” She stood up quickly after him, Peso getting up too out of instinct. “Hindsight is 20/20 Kwaz, but we’re here now. We might as well get it over with like you said.”

“I changed me mind, we can do this another day.” He quickly pressed the button to exit.

“Kwazii, wait!” Peso called after him, stopping the cat from leaving the room. His voice turned quizzical,“What is it? I have time, I wasn’t busy.”

Kwazii hesitated, looking for any and all other reasons to leave

“Come here Kwazii, sit back down” he pointed once again at his visitors table.

Seeing no other option, Kwazii sat back down, that familiar feeling (or lack thereof) returning to his body. Tweak followed suit.

“Now what’s going on, you two?” He looked at the both of them for an answer. Kwazii was looking down ashamedly and Tweak motioned over to him with her head. Now knowing that something was wrong with Kwazii and seeing the look of utter defeat and embarrassment on his face, Peso focused on him, “Kwazii?” He still didn’t look up.

“C’mon Kwaz, it’s okay, just show him.” Tweak tried

“If it helps you Kwazii, you don’t even have to say anything right now, just seeing whatever it is will help me greatly.” Peso reasoned.

Hearing this, Kwazii nodded and shakily looked up at him. There were tears in his eyes and a nervous frown was plastered unnaturally across his face. Slowly, he pulled out his wrist and laid it on the table. Now Peso felt like he was going to puke too. But he had to keep it to himself! Friend or not, it wouldn’t do anyone any good if he panicked too.

He put his flipper up to Kwaziis wrist for permission to examine, Kwazii gave a small nod and Peso picked it up. At first he saw nothing but the closer he looked, the more bits of white bandage he caught glimpses of through the fur. Against his better judgment, he let out a small gasp. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a tear run down Kwaziis cheek and land on the table.

Unwrapping the bandages now, Peso’s worst fears were officially confirmed. Knowing that he had to be gentle both physically and verbally, he didn’t speak yet, leaving the only sound being Kwaziis quiet sobs as Peso gently looked at the extent of the cuts.

Hearing his cries, Tweak started scratching Kwaziis back as a small offer of comfort. “You’re doing great Kwaz. I know this was a tough decision but thank you for letting me take you here”

Kwazii felt like a three year old with a bee sting he was afraid to have taken out. He was ashamed that they felt the need to talk to him so gently. They spoke like he could break at any second. And even worse was that they were right, so he nodded his thanks at Tweak

After a few deep breaths Peso looked at Kwasii, noticing that his eyepatch was probably soaked in tears by now so he reached out and removed it. Peso wiped the dampness away.

Holding eye contact he asked, “Do you think we could talk about this now Kwazii?” I sounded like a question to neither of them, they both knew it was inevitable. “Tweak? Could you leave the room for a moment? We won’t be too long.” He asked

After simply watching and listening for so long, it felt like she was watching a movie, remembering that she wasn’t though, Tweak perked up. “Oh yes, of course.” She put a hand on Kwaziis shoulder before leaving, “you got this Kwaz, we’re all here to help” then she walked out the door.

Just the anticipation of how the conversation might go made Kwazii tear up again. His throat closed up and he was sure that if he spoke he’d start crying again.

Peso turned from the door to Kwazii. “She’s right, you know. About your bravery being here and everyone’s support. I know it might not seem like you had a choice but you reached out to Tweak, let her take you here, and chose to stay here.

Kwazii nodded, “I don’t know… It was mostly Tweak making all the decisions. I just followed. And no offense Peso, but I’m not really here on me own free will”

“None taken, Kwazii, I know it can be weird telling all of this to someone you have to see almost every day. If it’s any any consolation though, everything said in here stays in here unless we agree otherwise.”

“Yeah…” Kwazii said in a shuddery voice

With a sorry smile, Peso got to asking the real questions “So Kwazii, can you tell me what makes you feel the need to do this?”

Kwazii took a deep breath, sarcastically he thought; this'll be fun

Chapter Text

Kwazii opened his mouth, and then immediately shut it. He opened it again, then shut it. He had it in his head what he wanted to say but it just wouldn’t form into words. It felt like every second in the real world was an eternity for him, like his thoughts were nothing but a melting pot of depression and confusion. He couldn’t think anymore. His thoughts went from “I have no place in the octonauts” and “all I do is screw everything up” to “dumb” and “hyper” and “unfocused.”
After what get like an eternity (but was only like 30 seconds) Peso tried again, “do you know why you feel the need to cut?”

The hearing someone actually say the word cut felt like a harsh slap to the face. God did he just want to leave. “I-” Kwazii tried anyways, “maybe?”

Peso thought for a moment. “Well, what do you think about while you do it? Are there any specific emotions you can associate with it?” He pointed to a mood chart on the wall above them and tilted his head at Kwazii.

It felt stupid but he looked over the chart anyways. He felt so numb and his thoughts were so cloudy that he couldn’t think without the big ideas payed out for him. There were things like happy, excited, and playful, nothing even close to what he was feeling. Fearful, angry, relieved, getting closer. Disgust, sad, ashamed. There it was.

Kwazii looked at the board for a few more seconds, readying himself. One last deep breath… “eh… ashamed… maybe?” He managed to whisper out.

“Mhm” Peso said, scribbling something down on a notepad, “and why are you ashamed? Are you cutting because you’re ashamed or ashamed because you’re cutting?”

Kwazii thought about it… “both..?”

“Alright. Can we look deeper into that maybe?”He said softly

Kwazii tilted his head

“What are you ashamed of that makes you cut? What about cutting makes you ashamed?”
Kwazii had to admit, that was a good question… it was one he knew the answer to though. But did he really want to tell Peso? He shrugged.

“Kwazii…” his tone was soft but stern, “we can’t get anywhere if you’re not willing to work with me”

“Alrighttt” Kwazii loosened up a little. “I guess it’s just- I guess I feel like a screw up. I’m always so energetic and loud and all I do is distract and annoy people. It’s not like I don’t know me antics are annoying either, I’m fully aware that everything I do annoys you guys and yet I can’t stop me-self from doing it!” He took a second to calm down, realizing that even now his energetic rant must be annoying Peso, “I just can’t stand meself Peso…”

Peso didn’t look surprised, nor did he look like he’d suspected that. He just looked understanding, and a little in thought. “And why do you think we hate your energy?”

“I- I dunno, you’re all just so serious and good at yer jobs. Then I come along and distract you. It’s just that we’d be so much more efficient without me.”

“Kwazii, you do so much for the team! Like…” he tapped his head with his pen then lit up, “Who would test the limits of our gups if you weren’t here? If you weren’t such a daredevil there’s no way we’d know their top speeds and maneuverability!”
Kwazii shrugged in agreement

“Or, you’re our top explorer! You’re so flexible and daring, athletic and curious, you’ve gotten us through shipwrecks, caught runaway helicopters, and maneuvered through many underwater caverns. Not even the Captain could do that without you” He laughed, a bouncy tone in his voice.

Despite his self-hatred he had to admit it felt good to hear all that about himself. “Ye really think I do all that Peso?”

“Of course Kwazii! You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t one of the best in our field.”

Kwazii blushed from all the praise. “Thanks Peso… I needed that”

“Of course, Kwazii. Anytime!”

There was a comfortable silence but eventually someone had to break it. Taking one for the team, Kwazii spoke,

“As for the…” he couldn’t even bring himself to say the word so instead he just lifted his wrist a bit and continued, " I guess it’s almost punishment…” he waited for Pesos response but nothing came. Still, he felt himself choking up for the thousandth time today. “Like, if nobody else will punish me for me mistakes then maybe I should do it meself”

Peso gave him a sorry look, then nodded. “I see…” He took more notes on his paper. “Well, maybe instead of cutting as your coping mechanism, you could use a more healthy coping mechanism.”

Kwazii’s whiskers twitch with intrigue as he leans in, “Like what? I’ve tried deep breathing, the 5 senses trick, a band around the wrist, they don’t work”

“That’s alright,” Peso said, walking to a cabinet and pulling out a small packet of papers. “Not every coping mechanism works for every person. There are tons of strategies out there!” He slapped the paper in front of Kwazii and started reading through, “There’s cold showers -very good for mental health, gardening, finding an accessible hobby, positive affirmations might be good for you… Oh! This one is a little odd but studies show that holding ice in your hand is a healthier way to deal with harmful urges. Obviously the goal is to rid you of those as much as possible but until then it’s good to have a less harmful substitute”

Kwazii nodded along, skeptical but willing to try anything.

“Do you think you can try a few for me this week? Have another talk next week and see what works?”

Kwazii raised his eyebrow, “What, are you me shrink now?”

Peso raised an eyebrow back, “Depends, are you okay with having me as your” he did finger quotes (flipper quotes???), “shrink?”

Shaking his head, Kwazii sarcastically said, “No wayyyy, who are me other options~”

“Well actually, virtual mental help is very popular nowada-”

“Of course I’d be okay with you as me shrink, Peso.” He interrupts, “You’ve got the experience and ye already know me. That’s half the hassle gone!”

Peso rolled his eyes. “Well then, Kwazii, take this paper and please pick 2-3 coping mechanisms to try out.” He smiled, “Obviously we’ll see each other around this week so I’ll just call you down when we next need to talk”

“Sounds good to me.” Kwazii smiled. He had to admit, this didn’t seem as bad as he thought. Maybe a shrink was what he needed.

“You’re dismissed” Peso joked and they both stood up, “See you around Kwazii!”

“See ya Peso!” and with that Kwazii walked out to meet Tweak once again.