Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA …

It was a regular day in Nevada. The maroon sky was no different from how it had always been.
The hot and semi-arid land . . . or at the very least, what was left of it.

The famous (and hot) murderer, Hank J. Wimbleton , was on a mission this time around. It was another average day for Hank though.

He kicked down the door of one of the many A.A.H.W. headquarters. The door had flattened an engineer sitting in front of it, hence the blood puddling out from under the door. Without missing a beat, Hank got to work on killing all the other agents in the room.

Mercilessly slaughtering grunts and painting the walls with their blood was not anything new for him. One would say he even took pleasure in doing it because he's a fucking freakshow. Hank scanned through the rooms thoroughly to see if he killed every grunt or agent in the building.

As he looks through the rooms something catches his attention from the corner of his eye, a blender. Hank's eyes widen with shock and excitement as he stares at and admires the blender within all its glory.

He shook like a leaf with anticipation.

"OMG..

A BLENDER !"

Suddenly, a bunch of agents had bust (haha bust) into the room, forcing him to tear his eyes off of the masterpiece. As Hank fought the agents with ease, he had a wonderful idea pop into his twisted head.

To shove the agents into the blender.

Hank grabbed two agents coming towards him by their arms, flipping them into the blender behind himself. He watched and admired as their mangled bodies got ripped apart by the blade.

Hank suddenly felt a growing tightness in his pants. He was getting turned on by shoving them into the blender. Not just because of the violence, it was just because of the blender itself.

He has never felt this way before for anyone nor anything. Hank looked at the blood-filled blender as his pants grew tighter from his growing erection.

Hank got an idea while shoving the last agent forcefully into the blender. He wants to flirt with the blender.

..what.

The room is fully empty, his heavy breathing and light whirring from the Blender is the only noise heard.

Hank starts to flirt with the blender. As he does this, the seemingly sentient blender couldn't help but get turned on by Hank with the blood splattered all over him and flirting.

The blender and Hank start to talk for a bit in the desolate room.
Hank kept flirting with the blender, making it feel horny. (boy what the fuck)

During the conversation, the blender confesses that Hank (how is it talking) made them horny and has continued to do it, even when he first entered the room. Upon learning this knowledge, he decided to fix that problem.

However, Hank had no idea how to start this, he had never done anything like this before. Let alone with a fucking somehow sentient blender. Hank thinks back to some porn videos Deimos had shown him unwillingly and uses those as a reference.

He decides to be soft with the blender. Hank started caressing the glass jar sides of the Blender agonizingly slow, making the blender's blade spin faster.

"😫😫 😩VV V VVVV VRRRRRHRHHR JRH🤤KJ HRJ R idk blender noises"

" This would be much easier if it was human... " Hank thought to himself as he continued his work on the blender.
For now, Hank gently made out with the blender's glass jar while teasing its buttons. Their makeout session just turned them both on even more, especially the Blender.

Hank's blood had already rushed to his dick, he was painfully hard from only just this. Maybe cause it was his first time?
He started to take it up a notch though.

He closed his eyes and started to grind and hump the sides of the blender. He moaned at the sensation. This made the blender's fan go to max speed. It was obviously flustered but turned on by it due to things getting heated - but suddenly..

The blender morphs just into a human randomly.

Hank noticed a softer feeling he was grinding on. He opened his eyes, locking eyes with what seemed to be like a human now. The blender's face was flushed as they stared at the tall murderer.
Hank stood up and was kinda just awkwardly looking at the blender in awe for a few minutes.

"...🧍… huh-" He muttered, still awkwardly standing there.

Hank just shrugged after the confusion wore off and moved closer to blender.
This was just better for both of them.

He pushed them up against the concrete wall and started to pull blender's pants off along with their underwear. The blender's clit was already wet from the earlier makeout session and such. Hank noticed that almost immediately. He brought his hand down between their legs and teased their slit.

The blender stifled a whimper as he slipped a finger in, craving for more from the grunt above them and Hank knew that wholeheartedly.

He inserted a finger into their throbbing pussy, and the blender couldn’t help but moan. They covered their mouth as Hank inserted another finger, rewarding him with the same sound but better.

“Fuck- more..”

"So needy .." Hank taunted while holding them down to stop the movement. A glimmer of his eyes peeking through his red goggles.

The blender started to get more desperate with their pleading. Hank got an idea in his marble-sized smooth brain as he was doing this.

"You want me to go faster?" He asked to which blender nodded quickly in response.

"Then bark .”
Bark for me ."

"h-huh? 🥺 what d-"

"BARK!" Hank yelled, hand gripping their hip that would definitely leave some imprints on its skin.

The blender obliged and barked desperately at his aggression with an even more flushed face.

They wanted more of Hank and they wanted it as soon as humanly possible, even if they had to do it through .. barking.

“Good boy.”

Hank was pleased with this so he continued.

His fingers slid in and out at a fast pace as blender whimpered and whined. Hank used his thumb to rub their clit while using his two other digits to finger them roughly.
Blender begged for more as Hank went rougher and faster, he pumped the fingers in and out at a steady pace while adding one more finger in said process.

" There we go .." He smiled under his mask as he hit their sweet spot with his now three digits deep inside at a faster pace, abusing the spot.

“hanky spanky.. 😫😫”  The blender moaned as Hank continued to hit that spot repeatedly. It was getting close to its climax, but Hank pulled his fingers out before they could reach their peak.

The blender was disappointed, groaning in annoyance that the stimulation had stopped. They were about to say something until Hank started to unbuckle his belt.

It started to drool as it watched him, they got hornier at the thought of Hank's cock inside of them, pounding in and out.

Fuck. They wanted it so badly. They wanted him so badly.

Hank pulled down his pants along with his boxers. The blender's face was painted with a deep red at the sight of Hank's hard cock springing free from its clothed prison.

" God , you're a shameless slut ."

The blender shivered at the comment he made as its lips curled into a smile.

Hank scooped some of the blood off himself from killing the grunts earlier and coated it on his erect cock to act as lube in a way. Blender watched as he did this, legs already twitching.

It didn't even know if it would fit but they didn't care. Those worries and thoughts left as soon as Hank aligned his dick to the blender's wet hole. He started to thrust into the blender at a slow pace.

Hank started to thrust faster and deeper which drove the blender out of their mind. It gripped onto Hank's shoulders for dear life as he started to go even quicker.

“Fuck,” The blender whined, “Please-”

“Please what ?”

Hank leaned down to the blender's neck and bit down on it. It hurt like hell but with Hank fucking them so hard they barely even felt it.

"Use your words, whore." Hank huffed out.

The blender could feel their orgasm coming as their walls tightened around his dick.

"Please — I'm gunna c- cum! 😩😩🥺" The blender cried out into his ear, breathing somewhat heavily.
Before the blender could even react, Hank had came into the blender’s throbbing hole. He pulled out for the final time as he panted slightly, he was satisfied. However, on the other hand, Blender was not. And was quite angry at this.

It was nothing but a mere plaything to which they were salty about.

Being used as a mere plaything on their first date? This wouldn’t do.

As Hank stood up and stared down at the blender, pointing down at his once again, growing hard shlong.

"Suck it." He demanded.

The blender crawled towards Hank with its trembling body.

Finally, blender started sucking the tip of Hank's cock which pleased him. Hank let out a hum of satisfaction as they gripped the Blender’s hair gently.

They then started to take in all of the length until they got an idea. The blender suddenly chomped down. They bit Hank's cock off.

Hank cried out in the sudden pain. He stumbled back and fell to the ground, all the blood rushing quickly to his face as he watched them.

“AGH! YOU UNGRATEFUL, (insert n-word here ^_^).”
(dw guys sanford gave him the pass)

Hank let sharp moans escape from his throat because he's a fucking freak. He could take the pain obviously, he's used to getting beat down and stabbed by agents or grunts. This was different though.

He was trembling heavily, blood gushing from where the blender had forcefully chomped Hank’s cock straight off.

Blender had taken the dismembered cock out of their mouth, holding it in their hands. The blender lined up Hank’s member in front of their throbbing and sensitive pussy (tight pussy clean-) and started using it as a makeshift dildo.

If he didn't finish it off for them, they'd do it themself.

The blender moaned in delight as they pumped it in at a swift pace, hitting their g-spot over and over. It reeled its head back as they went as fast as it could, finishing itself off, and reaching its long-awaited peak.

Some of Hank's cum leaked out of their hole as it ripped the cut-off dick from their pussy. The blender glanced over at Hank to find he was watching the whole thing go down surprisingly.

He was turned on by the whole thing, still clutching where his wound was. Nevertheless, Hank is fucking weird so he was moaning still at the pain of it and also extremely turned on by watching Blender finish with his mutilated cock.

-

After both of the weird shenanigans of that day, Hank walked up to 2BDamned's office and knocked on his door gently.
…

Ahem .

…

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

2BD jumped at the gentle knocking, "Fucks sake , Come in." 2BD replied with an annoyed tone. Hank rushed in without saying a word and slammed his detached cock on 2BD's desk.

"Aye, can you stitch this shit back on for me real fast?"
2BD sat there in silence for a few seconds before speaking up.

"... Hank,

what the fuck is this." He looked up at the maniac with a concerned look.

Hank just stared at him blankly.

Doc kept looking up at the freak and down at the flesh on his paperwork.
Hank tilted his head.

Hank got his dick attached to him again that day while both him and Doc never spoke about that specific incident ever again.

Chapter Text

NINE MONTHS LATER ...

A grown man was born !
A whole-ass grown man !

Blender had given birth to a chain-smoker because Hank wasn't being safe.
They named it Deimos. (rip the blenderussy)

The first thing Deimos did while he was out of the womb was piss everywhere.

-


Now a word from today's sponsor! 

Global Protection. That's right! This is a PSA for safe sex!

Having vaginal or anal sex without a condom is super risky.
You can get any and all STDs from unprotected vaginal or anal sex.

The best way to protect yourself if you're going to have vaginal or anal sex is use a condom every single time! Using lube with that condom also makes sex safer, especially anal sex.

Safe sex prevents HIV from being passed on through sexual intercourse. Safe sex also protects you against unintended pregnancy and against some common STIs that can be transmitted during intercourse.

For example, chlamydia and or gonorrhea. <3

You can get all the supplies you need for safe sex and protect yourself at GlobalProtection.com, and for 10% off at checkout if you use the code, " QUIRKY10 " at checkout!

Thank you for listening, now back to the fic.

(THIS IS A JOKE)

Chapter Text

SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA…

It was a boring but usual day. Nobody in the base was home.

No Deimos, no Sanford, no 2BD.

The three were most likely out trying to look for resources such as food, ammunition, and more in abandoned buildings to help the team survive in the desolate wasteland.

They were scarce on resources so it was bound to happen that they'd leave.

Everyone was gone for the time being.
Well.. besides from Hank and the blender at least.

Hanky Jay Wimblerfuck and the blender were sitting on the couch together.

Hank was staring blankly at the wall like the fucking psychopath, pondering the many thoughts he had, as the blender scrolled through their phone.

It was silent for a while, only being broken by the blender snickering at something stupid. Suddenly, Hank stood up and whipped his head to look at the blender. (the impulsive thoughts won)

“Let’s have sex. 🤓🤓🤓”

The blender sat there for a second. It cranked its head to look at him. Hank wasn't a very vocal person when it came to things other than sex, so hearing him randomly blurt that out caught it off guard.

“LET ME HIT!!!! ME ME WANT SEX!”

The blender paused for a moment, “Yeah, I guess. I’ve got nothing else better to do,” it shrugged before tossing its phone off to the side and starting to take off its clothes, Hank doing the same.

Once they were fully naked, Hank grabbed their thighs and forcefully spread their legs apart, making the blender squeak in response to Hank’s forceful and warm grasp on its thighs.

Hank pulled his mask down with one hand and started to suck on their clit, teasing them. The blender's breath hitched at the feeling of his warm tongue on their clit. (I HAVE A GUN)
He earned a drawn-out whimper from the blender after he shoved his tongue into their pussy slowly, "Fuck- you're so good," The blender murmured.

His tongue was pretty long so he could easily maneuver and abuse their g-spot to his heart's desire, which is exactly what he did.

The blender arched its back at the sensation, already becoming a mess.
"Hank- so close," The blender whined, grabbing at its shirt.

Hank, in a moment of clarity, took this opportunity to draw back his long tongue out of them.
It left a string of saliva because he was so eager to fuck the blender once again.

"ngh!!!~ 😞😞😞 zaddy why did you stop!!!1....."

Hank placed Blender on top of his lap.

"you gon ride me, bitch."

"u-u-uhm uwu!! okay!!1 😘😘"

He lifted the blender up slightly and lowered it onto his erect dick. Hank grunted from the tight feeling but quickly adjusted because he's just built differently.
Hank grabbed Blender’s hips and started to thrust into them rhythmically. The blender mumbled strings of curses and praises of how good it felt.

He couldn't help but moan at how blender's bussy was hugging his big dick. He started to thrust more sporadically as he lost himself in the pleasure fast, making the blender start drooling at the sensation.

“You like that?" Hankeford whispered in their ear, biting harshly on their neck, causing the blender to whine loudly.
The bite had drawn blood where Hank bit down and the blender was livid (oi innit im livid innit) from it.

"You like being treated like my little plaything, hm?”

The blender couldn't respond, if they could they would’ve protested - but it was in their own blissful world. Hank picked up the pace as he had finally found their g-spot.

The blender wept in delight, holding onto his shoulders as he started ramming his dick into that spot over and over as hard as he could, making the blender's eyes roll back.
The only things they could feel or hear were the wet slapping of Hank thrusting into them, its heart beating up into its ears, eager moaning, and the feeling of Hank hitting their soft spot with force.

Hank was getting close already from the clenching feeling of its inner walls. It was so close to its climax and the psychopath could tell.

The blender started to bounce on his dick, Hank allowing this so he didn't have to do all the work. Hank groaned, holding its thighs tightly as they did the motions. Eventually, the blender came, yet, the bouncing continued but from Hank forcing them with his vice-like grip. The blender was starting to get overstimulated, becoming a panting mess.

Hank mumbled to himself, as he put in one last thrust and reached his orgasm as well. They rested for a bit after that, trying to catch their breaths.

“One more round?”  The blender suggested. Hank was surprised but nodded.

This time, things would be a tiny bit different. The blender had an idea this time as they twiddled their widdle thumbs. They wanted to peg Hank.

Hank wasn't sure about it at first when they told him for many reasons, he didn't know if he would like it.
However, he was willing to give it a shot. Hank was pretty sure there were strap-on dildos in Deimos' room so the two went in there to check. The blender checked in his dresser and Hank went to go check in his closet.

Out of nowhere, Hank yells, "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK-" The blender flinched at his yell and confusedly rushed over to see what happened to make him yell. They found piss bottles in the closet that belonged to Deimos.

🫥🫥🫥

They just stood there in awe from how much he had piled up, like, what else are you supposed to say to this discovery? (the woman was too stunned to speak)

Why the fuck did he have these? Whos piss is in these? They knew he had a piss kink but this is just absurd.

Hank decided to go bully him about it later. But for now, they grabbed the strap-on dildo and went back to the living room.

The maniac got into a comfy spot on the couch as the blender pulled down Hank's pants and underwear. It equipped the strap-on dildo cutely.

"You ready?"

Before Hank could even utter a word -

CRASH BOOM BAM!! 😱😱 WHABLAMO!!!!!

The door goes flying across the room, along with some rubble. followed by wacky cartoon sound effects, almost hitting the blender as it ducked down. The blender and Hank turned their heads to see that the four had just arrived home. Hank looked over to where the door had crashed into the wall of the base.

It had made quite the dent but that was the least of their worries.

Shit .

“Deimos, what the fuck?!” Doc yelled, confused about how Deimos was that powerful and pretty pissed off because he just broke the fucking door for some reason. Dei chuckled before stepping cheerfully through the door, stretching his hands behind his back before taking his cigarette out of his mouth.

“Chill out, Doc. That door was busted anyway. We were gonna get a new one anywa-” Deimos stopped in his tracks. He stood there in shock, jaw dropped as he stared at the blender and Hank on the couch.

Sanford was second to walk in with 2BD.
They both had bumped into Deimos before realizing he had stopped.

2BD grumbled, probably this 🤏 close to calling him a racial and or homophobic slur. Alas, he quickly moved past the grunt before looking over to see the two.

Sanford had also turned to see where Deimos was looking. Sanford’s eyes widened at what he was seeing as well.

Deimos broke the silence by bursting into laughter all of a sudden, breaking 2BD, Sanford, and the two on the floor out of their stunned behavior. Deimos was holding his stomach in pain, coughing like the fucking lung cancer patient he is. “WHAT THE FUCHAHUCK-” He tried saying before falling forward, not able to keep his balance.

"Why the fuck would you do this in the LIVING ROOM!?" Doc scolded the two, basically ripping his hair out as Dei fell to his knees.

"😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"

“OKAY LISTEN- I- we didn't think of that-” The blender tried to speak while trying to cover up Hank.

“... nono.. tis alright bbg, but.. cawn i join…? 🥺” Sanford mumbled loud enough for them to hear, twiddling his widdle fumbs out of being nervous.


2BD whipped his head over to the taller male, disgusted, jaw dropped to the floor. Doc’s expression made Deimos laugh even louder. If he wasn't dying before he was definitely dying now.

He was crying and coughing on the floor like a chain-smoker at this point.

“yeah sure !!!1 me n my pookie wouldn't care!! rite hanky spanky?? x3c”
Hank shot them a thumbs up.

“Nah- nah- if you guys are gon do that then lemme join in.” Deimos cleared his throat, trying to regain himself while wiping tears from his face as he got up.

2BD stumbled back “Oh for fucks sake," He sighed, making himself known once again, "Can you PLEASE not discuss this when I'm right here. It's honestly disgusting-”

Deimos cuts 2BD off before he could say anything more, starting to pack his wack ass for shaming them.

"AYE SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU NASTY ASS BITCH
I BET YOUR ASS GOT HELD BACK IN SCHOOL CAUSE YOU'RE SO FUCKING DUMB
THE MOST YOU DO FOR US IS HELP US WITH INJURIES AND SOMETIMES YOUR FORGETFUL ASS CANT EVEN DO THAT SHIT RIGHT BRUH

YOU STUPID ASS HOE. YOU A FAT AND CHUNKY ASS MF!! MORBIDLY OBESE HEADASS

YOUR AN OBESE WHALE JUST LIKE YO MAMA BITCH
AND YO DUMBASS IS LIKE ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE TOO
YOU BOUT DIRTY AS FUCK!! SMELLY AS HELL. WASH YOUR ASS CAUSE YOU A DIRTY MF

I CAN SMELL IT FROM OVER HERE. YOU PROB DON'T EVEN OPEN YOUR ASS CHEEKS IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE ITS 'TOO GAY' SO I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU
TALKING LOOKIN LIKE A MFING OOMPA LOOMPA WITH YO WACK BALD ASS RECEDING HAIRLINE BITCH

YOU BE TAKING A 5-MINUTE WALK TO GET BACK TO THE BASE AND BE YOU SWEATY AS HELL CUZ YOU BE SITTIN ON YO ASS ALL DAY YOU MUSTY DUSTY CRUSTY BITCH
GTFO HERE WITH YO SILLY STRING LOOKIN ASS

HOW U GON TALK ALL THIS SHIT WHEN YOU DEADASS LOOK LIKE A DEFORMED CLOWN WITH SAGGY TITTIES
I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER 'IF', 'AND', OR 'BUT' BECAUSE ALLAT SOUNDS LIKE WHITE NOISE.”

2BD cringed. He stood there with no words left to say. Doc glared at Deimos before storming away to his room.

SLAM !