Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Melissa had seen Zachary in many moods. Usually, he was a mix of happy and derpy. On very rare occasions she’d see him upset or nervous, mostly when he ended up doing something that left a mess in the house or he ended up eating something he wasn’t supposed to. 

So when Zachary approached, shuffling more than he usually did all while wringing his hands together like dish rags, Melissa immediately turned her attention away from her laptop. 

“Hey Zach. What are you up to?” Melissa asked, slinging one arm over the back of the chair as she faced him. 

Zachary took a moment to respond, stilling his hand wringing to clutch them together tightly. Now that she was facing him more fully, Melissa caught sight of a sheet of wrinkled loose leaf paper crumpled up between his fists. After chewing on the remains of his lip, the zombie anxiously averted his eyes and unfurled his hands to allow Melissa to reach out and take the paper. She smoothed it out on her desk, and treated her eyes to the scratchy penmanship of Zachary.

The message was short and sweet, and stained with what looked like grass:

Woold yoo help me find a freend? It’s veery emportant.

“A friend? As in a zombie friend?” Melissa asked. 

Zachary gestured with his hands, holding one out and miming flipping it over with his other hand. Frowning quizzically, Melissa flipped the paper over to the other side.

A veery smort freend is on a veery eemportant mission in Weerding Weirding Woods. But hes stuck, and I neeed yoo and yoor smort brain to help him stoop gross plants.

Weirding Woods? The name was vaguely familiar to her, and it took a minute of scrounging the few memories she had of examining the Neighborville map for it to click. “Are you talking about that giant forest near the lake?”

Zachary nodded eagerly. Melissa perused her lips in thought, finger tapping on the top of the wrinkled paper in slow percussion. 

On the one hand, she would technically be aiding the “enemy”, the same party who was also technically the whole reason for all of Neighborville being on lockdown as it were. Also, Melissa had never really gone into the woods beyond a horrendous summer camp that had pretty much turned her off of nature and she still refused to remember for the sake of her sanity. Any experience roaming in the wilderness was limited to taking a walk in a city park with neatly cut grass and tiny trees with benches underneath them.

However, it’d been months since she’d gone out of the house for anything beyond emergency supply runs, which hardly counted as full excursions anyways. Melissa knew she was supposed to be rooting for the plants, but weeks and weeks of being bugged by overly cheery, big-headed crops had worn on her. And Zachary, as much of a hassle he could be, had been her single most valuable method of defense against any zombies who did happen to notice her totally defenseless house. 

As much of a dunce the rotting soldier could be at pretty much everything , he was shockingly effective as a fighter, and could come up with rather clever strategies by himself. She’d seen him perched on top of her roof, feet dangling lazily off the edge as he sat and took precise potshots at empty-headed browncoats that milled too close. At least once, Melissa had caught sight of him wandering in what she presumed to be a zombie patrol near her block, very conspicuously making a wide breadth around her house.

It was…oddly heartwarming. Maybe it was partially a byproduct of being isolated for literally three years with the only interactions with plants that she’d long lost any sort of happiness in seeing. Zachary was pretty much her only friend, and she felt compelled to go with him with how earnestly he looked to her, nothing but trust and hope in his lurid eyes.

Of course, it was that and…the incident, still hanging heavy in the back of her mind. Melissa would have to chalk up part of her decision to that.

It’d been almost a year since it’d happened, and still she’d wake up cold and freezing in the middle of the night from dreams of pea splatter covering destroyed furniture and pearly white fangs dripping right in front of her face. Distorted laughing and taunting, as a monster of a weed prepared to bite the head off of-

No! No, don’t get caught up in that.  

Melissa had plenty of time to reflect, alone once every plant had been extricated from her lawn and especially once Zachary forcefully inserted his presence into her monotonous little existence. Maybe, once upon a time she would’ve whole heartedly gone with what every other human in Neighborville did and let the plants battle the zombies out of existence. She most definitely would’ve balked a heck a lot more at the thought of actively helping the enemy.

But things had changed quite a bit, and Melissa would be the first to admit that she was most certainly the type to hold a grudge. For that, there wouldn’t be any forgiveness for the plants, no matter how many apologies they gave. 

Call her petty and spiteful, but she probably wouldn’t lose any sleep if the plants ended up getting a little roughed up if she happened to be helping a friend.

Besides she did have a bit of macabre curiosity in what the hell it was that Zachary ended up doing anyways. And how bad could some trip to the woods be?

After some deliberation, Melissa made her choice. “You know what, sure. I don’t have anything else better to do,” Melissa shrugged, closing the laptop. Her customers could stand to squirm in their chairs for a day or two. She stood up stretching, arms lifting up as her back let out a satisfying crack.

Zachary beamed, cheerfully smiling as she met his gaze. “Alright, what exactly is it that you need?”

Eagerly Zachary took Melissa by the hand and began tugging her out the bedroom door. She snickered a little bit at his nervous energy, but she wondered a little bit how much he exactly needed her.

Should I worry about it that much? I mean, it shouldn’t be anything too crazy. What could a zombie even be doing as a mission in the middle of the woods anyway?

…

This was a stupid idea.

There were many times where Melissa wouldn’t hesitate to call herself a complete fool. As much as she prided herself on being at least somewhat more level headed than most people she knew, dear Sun she was still capable of making some extremely stupid, stupid decisions. Decisions so amazingly stupid that those she would happily call an idiot to their face would look at her and return the favor.

Dressed up in a roughed-up dress suit and pants that looked as though it’d crawled out of a garbage can, a “borrowed” necktie, a bucket, and coated in green face paint from her Secret Santa office present kit, she’d readily agree with said idiots that she, too, was an idiot: both for agreeing to help with a zombie and for how she looked.

For his part, Zachary had shown zero hesitation in carrying out whatever scheme he had cooking in his head. Melissa was afraid to ask where he’d found the clothes, or where the mystery stains all over them had come from. What she was certain of was that they felt flimsier than rags and smelled absolutely awful. If she weren’t already used to Zachary’s more potent stench, she probably would’ve gotten sick from the proximity. She was just barely able to convince Zachary that she did need to bring a backpack full of basic survival things, and that she didn’t need to roll around in the garbage.

She had to maintain some form of dignity after all.

As they walked out onto the street, she asked, “Why do I need to wear all of this? I thought we were just going to the woods?”

“Brains brains!” Zachary said, shaking his head while smiling knowingly. For not the first time, Melissa sorely wished she could understand what Zachary was actually saying. She probably should’ve brought a notepad or something for him to write on; as terrible as his penmanship and grammar were, at least it was something she could understand as coherent English.

She adjusted the jacket, thanking that she at least had the foresight to put on a tank top beforehand as Zachary took a moment to check his own outfit. He made sure to be fully kitted out, having his usual pack on his back alongside a belt full of grenades and cartridges. His gun securely gripped in his hand, Zachary finally reached into his uniform and pulled out a beat up walkie talkie with several big buttons.

Leaning over his shoulder curiously, Melissa found herself comparing it to some weird mix of a compressed GPS and a radio. She also got to read some of the overly large text printed on the buttons.

Talk, Locate, Map, nothing really standing out…

Wait.

What does Home Warp mean?

Melissa received her answer when Zachary clicked the button. 

Melissa’s stomach lurched as inexplicable, blue light began to surround them, engulfing their forms. The foot soldier stretched languidly, a placid expression on his face as from the edges of his body inward he became consumed with bright, pure white. Then, like a collapsing star, his form was pulled inward and -

Pop!

- vanished without a trace.

Melissa didn’t get more than a fleeting second to panic about the fact that Zachary had just collapsed when, in a blur of white and blue her insides twisted and-.

A vortex surrounded her, pulsing and humming with energy. Melissa could see all around her a maelstrom of items floating about in a surreal landfill - everything from empty cans, errant street signs, flower pots, and even disjointed pieces of land drifting like asteroids. 

If she didn’t know any better, Melissa would’ve thought she had finally gone bananas from isolation and drank that expired milk she’d forgotten to toss.

She wished this were a mold-induced hallucination.

For what felt like an eternity Melissa helplessly tumbled in the swirling void, eyes wide and limbs pedaling. In all likelihood the ordeal probably only lasted a minute at most, but to her frantic mind she feared that she’d be stuck spinning alone, forever and ever and ever-

-at least until the world popped back into view, and Melissa face planted onto the ground. The grit rubbing itself into her face was both relieving and irritating. She couldn’t muster the energy to pull herself up and dust herself off just yet.

“Brains?” A familiar boot and sock slid into sight, and Zachary’s face leaned over into view with a look of concern. A rotting finger prodded at her shoulder, at which Melissa weakly swatted.

“G’way,” she grumbled, half-stunned and half-disgruntled. “I’m suffering. Let me suffer.”

Zachary reluctantly backed away, and after a solid minute of letting the sense return to her head Melissa finally heaved herself off the ground. She stumbled as the blood rushed back to her head and made her lightheaded. Before she could trip over and reacquaint her face with the dirt again, Zachary grasped her shoulder in support.

“Thanks,” Melissa said weakly as she leaned against him, eyes blinking frantically to rid the sparks dancing on the edges of her vision. It took another few moments for her to completely come back into her own body. When she finally did she took in the landscape around her properly for the first time.

Melissa didn’t think she’d regret coming along even more than she did after warping through what was presumably the fabric of time and space. 

She immediately felt worse the second she saw the first gigantic Z painted onto a wall.

“Oooooh crud.” One pivot, there was a giant, semi-Grecian stone building bulging with steel machinery that wound around the stone like gigantic metallic parasites.

“Ooooooh crud, oh crud, oh crud,” Another pivot, and Melissa faced a vast outcropping overlooking Neighborville. The vaguely familiar sight of the Giddy Park ferris wheel, one that she’d seen featured on many a Neighborville postcard, stood out on the horizon before the much closer sight of an array of giant fans that appeared to be ginormous launch pads (what?).

“Oh, fudge.”  

No matter where she looked, there were nothing but zombies, zombies, and more zombies as far as she could see. 

They milled about the plaza dressed in an absolute mishmash of outfits, ranging from professionally if shabbily clad soldiers to outlandishly flambouyant scientists with hair that would give any mad scientist envy. There was a shocking amount of zombies who looked like they’d been yanked straight out of the 1980s, dressed as though they were about to bust sick moves with disco music or if they’d just escaped some high school sports locker. There were the usual browncoats, but many of those were just as strange, with some wearing TVs (?), or looking as though they just came out of some bizarre history comic con - why were there so many in bandages? And in pirate hats? How were some of them in outhouses and literal robots?

Some simply walked about idly toward nowhere while others dashed/rocketed with terrifying speed over to the biggest building on the bizarre plateau where multiple stalls sat buzzing with customers and the various other buildings about the place. Others clustered together in small groups, chatting with varying utterances of “Brainz!”, cackling cheerfully as they casually toted about silly yet intimidating looking weapons that were strongly suspect of being more powerful than they looked.

Her brain was short circuiting at the sight before her. Melissa could feel herself starting to hyperventilate, but she didn’t bother trying to calm herself down because dear sun she wasn’t ready for this she was surrounded by zombies and she was going to -

Smack!

Zachary very lightly smacked her on the cheek, his dopey grin dropping for a concern slant. Melissa’s panic stalled as her face stung from the smack, less from the impact and more for being brought back to reality. She forced a breath into her lungs, forcefully dragging her attention away from the literal zombie horde wandering willy-nilly around her. 

She immediately regretted even thinking about doing deep breaths as the familiar zombie stench that she thought she’d long gotten used to from Zachary scorched her nostrils a hundred-fold. Melissa gagged, but it was enough to make her feel less panicked and more irritated. 

Good. Irritation was a familiar feeling, and much, much more manageable than the adrenaline pumping dread of facing a painful death by being eaten alive by dozens of ravenous corpses.

“Brains?” Zachary’s face had an apology written all over it, and he gently patted her on the shoulder.

“You’re fine, Zach. I kinda needed that,” Melissa sighed, patting his hand back. “Just…let's try not to default to physical violence to get out of mental funk unless it’s absolutely necessary?”

“Brains!” Zachary gave a thumbs up, and she smiled a bit at how relieved the zombie soldier looked. She straightened back up, and now took in the rest of the plaza plateau with a clearer head. 

“So, is this your headquarters?” Melissa asked. “Not quite what I expected. It’s…surprisingly sunny. And there’s a shocking lack of tombstones.”

Zachary just shrugged and spouted out a series of more, “Brains!”. It was probably an explanation for her question, and again Melissa wished that she had some sort of translator as she watched him blankly. After a few seconds, Zachary seemed to catch onto her lack of comprehension, then slumped and sighed.

“Well, I’m sure I’ll figure things out as we go,” Melissa sighed. She looked about. “Now, where do we go from here?”

The foot soldier beamed again, and with great gusto took her by the hand and began to pull at her again. He led her toward one of the less zombie-infested sides of the base, to a more open area where a shocking diverse array of vehicles sat which teemed with a few scattered groups of zombies inquiring with one another in more mono-syllabic conversations. Thankfully, none of them seemed to take note of Zachary or Melissa the totally-real-buckethead please-nobody-look-at-me sweating literal buckets as they shambled/walked past them. Her heartbeat from picked up as zombies passed by lost in their own business, including a terrifyingly muscular zombie dressed in spandex with perfectly permed hair brushed close by them, humming jauntily.

The vehicle they were dragged to was one of the less attended ones, with only a lone, pudgy zombie sitting forlornly on the ground on a sloping ramp framed by brick and a bent metal fence. Even though their eyes were as wide open as all the other zombie’s, it seemed that this one was asleep from how much further apart their eyes were drifting, and the slow rise and fall of their shoulders. In accordance with the rest of the bizarre clothing choices she’d already seen, this zombie was clad just like a construction worker, with a bright orange safety vest and a construction hat slowly sliding down the front of his head.

Within a few feet of the lone zombie Melissa paused to take in the sub, letting her hand slip out of Zach’s as he plodded forward. 

Is this what zombie tech looks like?

The submarine bobbing in the pond of water was a strange sight in and of itself, because unless she was crazy the nearest source of water where a submarine could be useful was miles and miles away from this plateau. It was just a bit smaller than the pond, and was a cartoonishly cheerful purple and looked more like it’d been yanked out of a whimsical children’s book. What was less whimsical were the bloodshot, twitching eyeballs in the multiple periscopes that seemed to be moving by themselves, engorged spheres dribbling a small bit of ooze over their metal rims. She flinched a bit as one eye momentarily fixated onto her, pupil dilating as it lingered on her for a few seconds too long before resuming lazily drifting about its metal socket. 

That is disgusting.

Melissa’s momentary introduction to zombie tech was interrupted as Zachary loudly greeted the pudgy zombie with a loud, “Brains!”

With a dribbly grunt the zombie jolted up from their position on the fence, drifting eyes correcting themselves to focus straight ahead as they clumsily scrambled to their feet. They blinked blearily, rubbed their eyes, then straightened from their slouch as Zachary waved at them with a big grin.

“B-Brains?” The zombie squinted at the foot soldier, then gasped. “Hey! Brains! Bra-Ra-Brains!”

“Yeah-ha!” Zachary gave a thumbs up. The construction zombie gasped, and then with a gleeful, raspy laugh rushed forward to glomp the soldier. They were shorter than Zachary by a bit, but stockier, and his arms dwarfed Zachary’s less wide frame as the foot soldier happily reciprocated. They hugged each other for at least two minutes, the engineer squeezing Zachary hard enough to elicit several concerning creaks from his bones and Zachary not caring in the slightest to hug his apparent friend back even harder. When Melissa started wondering if they were just going to stay like that, Zachary was dropped to their feet and without further ado the two zombies began rapidly exchanging more exclamations of “Brains!”, an excited conversation that she couldn’t make heads or tails of but was probably very engaging.

Melissa found herself smiling a bit at the interaction, then her attention moved to taking in more detail of the zombie. Interestingly, the construction zombie was much, much chubbier than any of the other zombies she’d seen. Pretty much all the zombies she’d seen, barring the one muscular gargantuar that’d once prowled past her house and gave her a heart attack and the few other zombies they’d just walked past, were rail thin and looked about ready to collapse with a strong enough push (she knew that this was deceiving, considering that Zach looked like he was starving to death but was strong enough to casually tote around a giant metal jetpack). 

This zombie was (pardoning her language) fat; practically obese in fact, going off the way its stomach bulged out between the construction vest and work jeans and…the rather generous view of its behind. Unlike the glances of zombies she’d taken in since they’d gotten here, this one didn’t seem to have any equipment beyond a toolbelt that jangled about their waist. Also, for some reason, the zombie also seemed to have taped a fish below their mouth. A fish that was still wriggling about vigorously without any water.

…We just barely got started with whatever this mission is, and this is already weird. Is it too late to back out of this?

It was obviously too late, as the construction zombie finally took notice of Melissa. He cocked his head, grunting as she stiffened up. Suddenly feeling very acutely naked and exposed, she gulped. Zachary turned his head too, still smiling and looking along with the other zombie at her expectantly. Melissa sucked in a breath, batting back instinctual terror and with more effort than it should’ve required lifted her hand.

“Hey there?” Her voice tapered off, and she immediately felt embarrassed as the construction zombie raised an eyebrow. Zachary just frowned a bit, likely wondering why she was freezing up so bad. 

To be fair, I only had to deal with you by yourself. Give me some time.

“Bra-Brains?” The zombie turned back to Zach and gestured to her with clear questioning in his eyes. Zachary turned back to him, and they promptly launched into another conversation. This time though, the subject of their discussion was clear as they repeatedly stole glances at her. 

“Brains brains?” The construction zombie repeatedly pointed to her and then at his head, to which Zachary would gesture back with his own series of grunts and exclamations, stealing side glances at her and pointing to the sides of his own head. This continued for a quick minute, with Melissa’s anxiety slowly cranking up as the questions in her head multiplied.

Finally, evidently having come to some conclusion, the construction zombie snapped a finger and awkwardly bent over to rummage about in a pocket of his work belt. After a moment and several sardines he tossed out to wriggle on the floor, he triumphantly held up a tiny little box, encrusted with some greenish grime but at the very least looked intact. He fiddled with the box for a moment before clumsily pulling it open with a tiny plastic click .

“Brains!” Melissa jolted a bit as the construction zombie turned and thrust forward his hand, the opened box held to her. Heart drumming in her chest, Melissa inched forward a bit and peeked at it, not entirely sure what to expect. She was pleasantly surprised to find it was an elaborate metal earpiece, shiny and new and entirely the opposite of what she expected from something pulled out of a pocket full of wet fish. There was a thankful lack of anything organic, with the only hint that it was made by zombies being the small hints of purple metal and the bold Z printed on the main body of the earpiece.

“Oh…uh, thank you?” Melissa asked. As she took the piece from the construction zombie, he beamed, mouth curling up into a smile full of missing teeth. Still feeling a bit cautious, she turned the earpiece over in her hands. A quick, more thorough examination of the little piece of Z-Tech showed that it looked not too different from other earpieces Melissa had used before, when she’d been working at a desk rather than from a zombie-besieged home. Mentally sighing in relief, it only took a little bit to put the earpiece into her ear, snug and almost weightless.

“So now what?” Melissa asked.

“Brains brains!” Zachary stepped forward this time, and reached to her ear to fiddle with the earpiece. His fingers were surprisingly elegant, fiddling with some dial that was on the earpiece. She grimaced as the earpiece buzzed, oscillating between a low buzzing to a high pitched screech that pierced her eardrums.

After a few seconds the electronic noise from the earpiece softened, and as Zachary stepped back there was an electronic click. Zachary stepped back, seemingly satisfied with his job. Then, he cleared his throat and spoke.

“Melissa can hear me? Say yesz if ear work good.”

Melissa’s brain stalled.

Wait…can I…?

“Can you hear me? Did I put on cow setting again?” Zachary pondered, frowning and scratching his head. 

Holy moly, I can actually understand Zach now?

Melissa shook off her stupor to give a shaky thumbs up, mumbling, “I hear you loud and clear?” 

Her response made the zombie beam.

“Oh, yay! Was worried Melissa was on cow setting!” The foot soldier said cheerily. “Zomboss translator is very cool and smart, but sometimes it makes you able to hear cow and not zombie! Cows are stupid, you don’t want to hear stupid cows.”

“...okay…”

Melissa wished she brought some Tylenol. Or maybe an aspirin. Or a psychiatrist.

“Good too see new zombie with Zach!” the Engineer zombie finally spoke up. 

Just like with Zachary, Melissa could still hear the repetitive Brainz-babbling. But with the earpiece, it was muffled to amplify what felt like a voice directly in her head, clear as crystal and still maintaining the slight distinctions of the zombie’s voice as if it actually were speaking perfect, horribly butchered English instead of repetitive chants of the word "Brain!" over and over again.

Well, I guess I asked to be able to understand, and now I’ve received.

The construction zombie continued cheerfully, seemingly unbothered by the confused awe on her face. “Lot of browncoat like you always forget important Zomboss Translator, so I always keep some in my bag! Very smart of Zach to bring you here…Meh-liss-ah?”

The construction zombie looked over to Zach who gave a nod. “Melissa! You look very good! Although…why Zach not take giant army to the scary woods?”

“Don’t need giant army. Everyone else too chicken!” Zachary stuck out his tongue. “Me and Me-liss-ah can do it just fine, even better! We have best brainz chance!”

“Your other friend said he had best brainz chance, and he never came back!” The engineer zombie tapped his hands together, friendly expression suddenly looking quite strained. “You are one of nicest zombies Seabasstian ever meet! Don’t want to see you get eaten by tree monster Dreadwood!”

“Tree monster?” Melissa scrunched her forehead. “Dreadwood?”

Are there any plants that are trees? I mean, I remember there being the little torchwoods that used to be on my lawn, but not much else…

Zachary just scoffed, and he proudly thumped his chest. “Mean Dreadwood don’t stand a chance against me and Meliss-ah! Once, she kick pot twenty feet straight through window!”

Melissa hoped her sudden embarrassed flush wasn’t visible under all the green face paint - for that particular incident she had been very caffeine deprived, and her neighbor had been singing awful opera at three in the morning, and she’d lost her temper. Miraculously she hadn’t had a plant patrol called on top of her head. She probably wouldn’t have been able to restrain herself from yeeting more things at them.

After a moment of consideration, the engineer zombie sighed. “Okay, Seabasstian will take you to scary woods. I stay in sub though, for important tree-reason! Important reason. No more land for me, ha!”

Melissa just raised her eyebrow, but politely chose not to point out as the zombie - apparently named Seabasstian, of all things - anxiously patted the squirming fish taped to his chin before he waddled over to the pool with the sub. Melissa followed after Zachary, and as the engineer busied himself with a brief detour to a rather messy pile of junk by the pool she took the chance to take in the sheer number of pipes leading to the pool. She was sure that any sane construction person would be having a seizure at all the exposed piping and water leaking about the cracked concrete and exposed dirt. However, none of the zombies seemed bothered so Melissa just figured that broken architecture was a staple of zombie life…for some reason.

After some loud clanking and grunting, Seabassitan wrenched a beaten up ladder from the pile of junk. He hauled it over and with a clank put it up against the side of the sub before clambering up it to pull open the hatch. He hopped in, then poked his head back out like a groundhog.

“Get in sub! If have to do this again I want to do fast! Dreadwood grow faster each day!”

Melissa had even more questions than before at the sheer fear that glimmered in the zombie’s eyes at the mere mention of the name - is there a plant called Dreadwood? - but she simply followed after Zachary as the zombie soldier confidently strode up to the ladder.

“Hey, Zach? Real quick question before I go into…that…” Melissa shuddered as the backmost periscope eye spun about to look at her, pupil dilating. “Do we have to worry about…fighting plants?”

After a beat, the zombie just grinned. “Maybe, maybe not. But Zach take care of all mean stinky plant! You handle all big thinking!”

His statement didn’t do much to assuage the nerves, but Melissa managed to plaster on a weak smile. 

“Okay then. I…guess this should be fine. How bad can it be?”

Even as she said that though, she could practically hear her brain screaming at her - 

“JINX!”

Chapter Text

The muddy ground squished softly under Melissa’s shoes as she disembarked, water lapping at her feet. She’d had to stretch herself out awkwardly from the sub to get onto a small outcropping of rocks to avoid soaking her feet too much, and she sighed at finally getting solid ground back under her feet. Zachary didn’t care much about the lake water soaking into the ragged ends of his pants, and had simply sloshed through the shallows onto the drier bit of the beach.

Turning about back to the sub, with periscope eye still blinking eerily at her, Melissa waved and shouted, “Thank you!” 

The speaker on the sub crackled as the construction zombie yelled back, “You good! Please don’t die!”

On that cheerfully macabre note, the sub slowly slipped back into the water, vanishing in a burbling of bubbles. Melissa exhaled loudly, rolling her arms to get rid of the cramps from hunching in the claustrophobic inside of the cells surrounded by dirty lake water for the past hour. Feeling a bit more loose, she then turned to take in her first in-person look at Weirding Woods.

Her first impression was: Wow, these trees are big.

All the trees were mostly evergreens, but the sheer size of them were more like redwoods than any of the scrappy little cedars or pine trees Melissa had seen before. And if she wasn’t mistaken, there were more growing right before her eyes.

Literally.

“...I think I now see why this is called Weirding Woods,” she muttered as two twenty foot pines sprouted up with echoing cracks along the border of the forest.

“Is weird becuz of stinky plantz!” Zachary declared as he marched forward, twisted feet making bizarre tracks along the sand of the beach as he began his inward trek. “My friend came to woods because of Seabasstian!”

“What exactly is his story?” Melissa pondered. “He didn’t exactly seem…interested in talking about it.”

Less interested about it, more terrified out of his mind.

“Seabasstian used to work in the Z-Tech factory here, making cool weapons like this!” Zachary held up his blaster as an example, the gun gleaming metallically in the sunlight. “But then plants brought Dreadwood, big mean plant monster! He grew trees, destroyed base! My other friend was worried and promised to help him. He left couple days ago, but he didn’t come back! Now I’m going to find him, because I am worried!”

“Aww, that’s sweet of you,” Melissa grinned. “You were friends with him before you found me?”
“Yes! Used to be squad, sent to protect graveyards by old Zomboss mansion!” Zachary puffed up his chest. “Stayed friend even when he was reassigned to do science stuff in the main Z-Tech factory! We go to have lunch every month at Brainzburger in Zomburbia Backyard District!”

Heavens, it was amazing to actually be able to talk with Zachary! Part of Melissa noted the sheer surrealness of walking amongst a forest that apparently hadn’t existed until a giant plants monster arrived, also casually talking with a zombie about going to lunch with his friend instead of getting eaten alive by the same zombie. Christ, Melissa didn’t even know the zombies had actual factories until now, or actual neighborhoods or even relationships!

Were there any other actual humans that knew this? Obviously the plants would know about this since, well, they were fighting the zombies, but up to now Melissa had never once heard any human talk about how weirdly… normal the zombies apparently were.

How much do the plants hide from the people? Because if word got out that the zombies were so normal, then…well, I don’t really know. But I imagine that there’s going to be a lot of questions…

She was distracted from her thoughts as they followed from a dirt path past an array of RVs and logpiles long left abandoned. It took mere minutes to get onto a small, curving concrete road, which lead them up to a simple sign on a log preceding a grand wooden arch, both proclaiming the name - 

Camp Near-a-Lake.

“Wow, that’s real creative,” Melissa said dryly. She fixed eyes with the suggestively lounging beaver. “Reaal creative.”

“Hey! You two!” 

The duo startled, then took in the small imp standing casually by the house and a concerningly large quantity of gas canisters. The imp looked surprisingly well put together for being in the middle of the abandoned campground, and one glance at the petite uniform and cap, the bouncy blonde pigtails, and the cute glasses gave Melissa flashbacks to opening the door to see girl scouts with boxes of cookies earnestly looking up at her. Of course, the girl scouts probably didn’t have zombies, but to the little zombie’s credit she had the uniform down pat.

The little zombie continued, voice loud and brash. “Yes, you two! You new here? Following after that funny scientist fellow from a couple days earlier?”

“We are!” Zachary exclaimed. He quickly shuffled over to the little imp, Melissa in tow. The zombie crouched down, smiling though his eyes flashed intensely with focus Melissa rarely saw in the dopey zombie. “You know him?”

“For like, two minutes. But I sure don’t know you!” The imp snapped a cheery salute, proudly displaying the wreath of badges on top of her green-clad torso. “Name’s Izzy! Expert scout and badge-badger extraordinaire!”

“Name is Zachary! I am a soldier!” Zachary said before gesturing back to Melissa. “That is Melissa! She is hum-uh…she is buckethead.”

“Huh, don’t usually see browncoats hanging around here or not looking like they just got hit on the head. Guess Zomboss is serious about advancing that fancy shmancy TV Head program to all the other apparel heads!” Izzy mused. “Well, both of you look a bit smarter than some other zombies I know, so I’m going to hope that you’re smart enough to listen to my advice, unlike your scientist bud earlier!”

Zachary’s expression dropped a bit for irritation at that apparent barb to his friend. Melissa ignored that though, in favor of focusing on the more immediately pressing part of that sentence. 

“What advice?” Melissa asked.

“Nice and easy, and in these parts the most important rule to follow if you feel like living!” Izzy declared. She glanced furtively between them as her voice dropped to a lower, more serious tone.

“Do not go the the factory!”

Zachary startled at that statement. “What? But you said my friend went there! I need to go help my friend!”

Izzy sighed melodramatically, fixing the brim of her cap over her bangs. “Listen, soldier and bucket, I’m going to talk to you like a on-probation officer of the Zomboss army…which I am. Unjustly. That factory is not good news. It’s swarmed with Dreadwood growths all over the place, and is two steps from getting turned into a pile of brick and scrap by the big tree himself. On top of that, those zombies left there…they’re weird. Not the good kind of weird like me, but weird weird! Spiders up your pants weird!”

“I don’t suppose you can actually be more specific, can you?” Melissa asked, stomach tightening at the sudden seriousness in the imp’s eyes.

The scout imp just pushed her glasses up her nose. “No, trust me, they’re just weeeirrd!” She stuck out her tongue. “Bleh! even thinking about them makes me feel icky!”

“Well, we can’t exactly turn back,” Melissa mumbled. She exchanged a glance with Zachary, whose face resolved into a determined scowl. She looked back down to the imp. “Do you have any other advice?”

“Hmmm, at least you look like you know you’re doomed…” Izzy hummed. “Eh, why not! Maybe you’ll actually live!” She cleared her throat. “If you are going to the factory, the best thing you can do is avoid hitting the low parts. That’s where all the Dreadroots are - and trust me, you do not want to mess with them unless you feel like getting blown up by sunbeams. Disgusting, disgusting sun. Blech! You shouldn’t worry too much about getting blown sky high by new Dreadwood trees unless you’re really unlucky, because they aren’t nasty like the roots. Still, there’s plenty of plants hanging around them to ‘protect nature’ and ‘preserve the environment’. Double blech! I don’t know about you, but Zachy over there already knows what to do. Light em up with that blaster, and you’ll be fine!”

“You…really do not like the woods, do you?” Melissa said slowly.

“Oh no, I like them! Love them really!” Izzy said cheerfully. “I love setting them on fire!”

“...I think it’s about time we go,” Melissa carefully backed away, giving the gas canisters a new look of dawning horror. Zachary also looked suitably disturbed as he mirrored her movements.

“D’aww, alright. You go save your friend and do whatever other malarkey you need to do,” Izzy shrugged, not looking offended. “Maybe if you live, we can talk again, maybe get you two some badges that aren’t lame or weird! Turn you into the demolition scouts you always wanted to be!”

“Uh, thanks?”

“Good luck!” Izzy waved after them as they hurriedly walked past. “And don’t die! That would suck!”

…

The further they traveled along the road, the more dilapidated all non-plant landmarks became, and the more frequent the trees became, sprouting out everywhere with about as much order as kindergarteners on a sugar-high building a straw tower. There were even more abandoned vehicles sitting cold and empty on the buckling road, all semblance of organization consumed by roots and accumulating puddles emitting a distinct funk of decaying leaves and rot. Just as the number of trees grew, so did the number of signs left posted about willy nilly, although none of them looked particularly…professional. Or anything like Melissa would expect to see around a munitions factory.

“Zach, I don’t suppose you know anyone named Dummy?” Melissa remarked at a cluster of signs plastered to a freestanding wall, made of cheap paper and depicting both poorly written poetry and a bright red sports dummy…for some reason.

The foot soldier shrugged, pausing to idly blast at a cluster of weeds that had been slowly tailing them. The giant sneering wildflowers let out tiny squeaks as yellow pellets painted their rooted feet, and they hastily fled backward to glare at them from behind one of the many abandoned RVs that had been left to gather rust in the campsite behind them. To Melissa’s current relief, all she’d seen so far were small swarms of what she’d mostly heard referred to as weeds - mook plants that served mostly as swarmers, and a far cry from the intelligence of the other mobile plants and even most of the potted plants. 

Melissa had only ever seen them pass by on the street, mindlessly going after any rogue browncoats to exchange blows until one or the other fell down dead and the other went on its way to find yet another petty exchange of blows to win or lose at. There were swarms of them here, but in a stroke of luck she and Zachary had managed to skirt past them into the bridge. She had yet to see any hint or hide of any of the other more intelligent plants, and she’d like to keep it that way.

If they did run into one…Melissa wasn’t entirely sure what they’d do.

Would any plants be able to tell I’m not really a zombie?

The further she went along, the more that particular worry was starting to gnaw at her thoughts. She simply mentally prayed that, perhaps, all they would have to run into were more of the relatively thoughtless weeds. No more weirdly sapient plants, just in and out.

Maybe I should not have come on this mission…

“Hey! Is this way to Z-Tech factory?” 

Melissa jolted, looking up to see that Zachary had gotten ahead of her while she fell into her ruminations, and was now talking to yet another zombie. This one was dressed in a conspicuously bulky football uniform, and as she hastily closed the distance between her and the new zombie’s makeshift camp, she could immediately see that the zombie had very clearly been crying its eyes out just a few seconds before.

“Yes! Are you and your buckethead going there? Into the den of devoured friends?” The football zombie sniffled, trying and failing to wipe at his face and only bumping the metal faceguard of his helmet.

“Devoured friends?” Melissa asked.

“Yes! All you find there is sadness and horror in the factory!” The zombie wailed. “That’s where you go to get all your friends eaten by mean Dreadwood! Oh, why did I let him go there, all alone!”

Melissa and Zachary stood awkwardly as the football zombie let out a sob, trying his absolute best to not burst into a new wave of tears. After an excruciatingly long moment, Melissa did step forward to gingerly put a hand on the zombies’ shoulder. 

“We didn’t know that…I’m so sorry for your loss.”

The football zombie looked up at her for a moment, then without warning lurched forward to wrap her in a smothering hug. Zachary let out a wordless exclamation and Melissa stiffened, but her sudden fear died quickly as the football zombie bawled even louder. The zombie sniffled, eyes sparkling. “T-thank you, random zombie I just met! All other zombies don’t care or laugh at me for being crybaby - which I’m not! Totally not!” 

The football zombie released Melissa from the hug to wipe at his eyes. “Even if I’m not crybaby - which I am not - you’re the first to be sad with me! That makes me… not sad!”

“Well, losing a friend is hard, there’s nothing wrong with being sad about that,” Melissa said, voice soft. “...I should know that. I used to have a friend but then something bad happened, and we just…fell apart.”

Out of the corner of her eye Melissa caught a strange expression flit across Zachary’s face, but her attention was on the football zombie as he regained his composure even as her own heart unexpectedly panged and… other , unwanted memories bubbled up in her own head and made her teeth grit. He still looked miserable, but less so than he was a few moments ago. He took a breath, voice evening out.

“Thank you, zombies, for weird yet inspiring words of niceness. I’m feeling less ready to cry…not that I’m going to! Or that I was!” The football zombie brushed his gloved hands off on his jersey. He cleared his throat. “The name’s Cleatus, Zomboss soldier and currently jobless Z-Tech factory guard. Who are you?”

“Good brainz to meet you! My name is Zachary! Buckethead is Meh-liss-ah!” The foot soldier took over introductions, letting Melissa back off a bit. Even though Cleatus didn’t have seemingly any intention of hurting her, she could still feel herself quake at the sudden, rapid movement that he had shown and the sudden wave of emotion that crashed down on her.

Pull yourself together. You said you’d come to help Zachary, and you knew that you’d be running into plenty of zombies. You got a disguise, you just look like any old buckethead…that speaks perfect english and maybe smells a bit too clean. 

No, don’t go slipping back! Keep your chin up, and push those stupid memories out of your head. They’re just…distractions.

“Melissa! We have route planned!” Zachary called out as he walked back over to her, leaving Cleatus to sit down roughly. His eyes were still reddened, but his gap-toothed mouth was smiling just a bit more than before as he waved the duo off before tending to the small crackling fire in his camp.

“Okay, cool. Anything to watch out for?”

“Just giant gap that Cleatus said very bad for health, but there is little concrete ledge to crawl across. Can also make it with good rocket leap,” Zachary slapped his jetpack/rocket launcher for emphasis. “Also said something about zombies being weird again. Still don’t know what that about.”

“Well, we’ll just cross that bridge when we get to it,” Melissa sighed. “Well, lets get going. It’s not much further, is it?”

“Nope!” Zachary proclaimed.

It indeed wasn’t much further, just a few more minutes of navigating buckling road and more massive, swaying trees before they turned the corner and the factory stood before them in all its ruined glory.

“Good grief, whoever Dreadwood is, they did a number to this place,” Melissa gaped at the sheer number of shattered buildings that lay before them, torn through by yet more trees and cracks leading to deep abysses full of moldering water. Scant sunlight leaking in between the tree branches shone off gargantuan masses of various tech clustered together like hellish steel wasp nests, emitting shrill beeps and white noise which clashed against the ambient rustle of the forest. Massive cargo containers were hoisted atop the massive trees, looking for all their worth like gigantic building blocks tossed and abandoned to decay.

They stood above the entire mess as the road was split in half, where the giant chasm Cleatus discussed lay, burbling ominously with puddles of water and mossy undergrowth. Across the chasm, the factory entrance loomed grand and destroyed. Melissa couldn’t see any zombies, but as she squinted she thought she could make out movement within the entrance, small flashes of red that wandered away with only the faintest of footsteps.

“Meh-liss-ah! What do you want to do?” Zachary asked, finishing his own examination of the place. He put his hands on his hips, cocking his head at her. “Do you feel like taking ledge? Or jump?”

Melissa made a face when she took in the narrow, crumbling ledge. “That ledge doesn’t look particularly safe…but only you have the ability to use your jetpack-thing to get across, so I guess I don’t have much choice.”

To her surprise Zachary guffawed. “Don’t be silly! I can take you across with rocket, easy peasy!”

She stole a look at said rocket. “But there’s only one.”

“Well, duh,” Zachary said. “I mean, I can carry you! I’m strong, can carry you right across no problem-o!”

Melissa felt her gut lurch, and she looked over the chasm which suddenly started looking much, much larger than it had been before. “Uhh, no offense Zach, but I highly doubt that.”

Zachary huffed. “Don’t doubt brainz! Could jump with rocket when carrying giant gnome bomb. Compared to that, carrying you is easy brainz! No dropping guaranteed!”

“...Is that an insult or a compliment about my weight?”

Zachary just rolled his eyes. “Come on, try it! If you don’t like it, we don’t do it again. I promise over the secret back entrance to Zomboss’ Popsmart storage!” With that declaration he put a hand over where his heart would roughly be, smiling earnestly at her.

Melissa looked over the gap, then to the concrete ledge, then to Zach. She bit her lip, nearly drawing blood as she debated back and forth, back and forth. She then looked over to the ledge just in time to see a chunk of it break off to fall down to the floor of the chasm with a wet splat.

“Okay, fine! I’ll try it your way!” Melissa quickly snapped and threw up her hands, doing her best to ignore the way her stomach dropped with her words.

Zachary wasn’t put off by her brusqueness, but just grinned cheerily as she approached, grumping inaudibly to herself. She looked him over, frowning a bit. “Now, how do we do this? Do I just get on your back, or hold onto you from the front-eep!”

She yelped as Zachary smoothly stepped up and scooped her up into a bridal carry. The zombie let out a grunt and stumbled with her weight, but quickly steadied himself to meet Melissa’s death glare. “You could have warned me.”

“You said you were fine with rocket plan?”

“I mean, you could’ve said something before you picked me up!”

“...I don’t get it.”

Melissa let out a long-suffering sigh at Zachary’s confused expression. “No, no, it’s fine. I’ll just talk with you about etiquette later. Let's just get this over and done with.”

“Okay! Watch and learn!”

Zachary backed up a good distance from the ledge, twisted feet shuffling on the pavement as he shifted Melissa to a more comfortable position in his arms. He bounced a bit on his heels, bones creaking as yellow-green eyes fixed themselves to the factory brimming with determination. Melissa sucked in a breath as, with a sputter of fire and a blast of air they lurched into motion as the jetpack sputtered flame. Half hovering and half running/shambling, Zachary charged forward, faster and faster right to the edge.

Melissa’s throat caught as she couldn’t help but look down, the bottom of the chasm looming before them as they rushed forward. Then, right as one sock-clad foot passed right over the lip of the broken road Melissa couldn’t look, closing her eyes as a half-strangled scream tore itself from her mouth. She was half aware of her arms wrapping about Zach’s shoulders, the ringing of the metallic bucket on her head still vibrating from the cacophony emitting from the jetpack, and the way it seemed that time was freezing to a near perfect zero degrees.

Her scream was muffled by a riotous blast that rattled her eardrums, an explosion of flames erupting from the butt end of Zachary’s pack and launching them not straight but at a high arcing parabola. They soared through the sky, and even with her eyes closed Melissa could feel the vertigo as gravity momentarily vanished from the moment. Zachary whooped with exhilaration, clearly not feeling any sort of fear and simply expressing pure joy as he went flying with Melissa in tow.

She cracked open her eyes as they reached the peak of the arc, heart leaping at just how high they were and how everything looked so much smaller. They somehow had soared above most of the gap, and for a moment she marveled at just how strong that rocket was.

Holy moly, Zach was right! Dang, I owe him a taco meal pack now.

But then, like all things that would be thrown or launched on the planet Earth, they began to fall back down, just as fast as they had ascended. 

Melissa’s heart leaped again, this time out of panic. With a very undignified screech she closed her eyes again, squeezing Zach’s shoulders.

Oh lordy, we’re going to die, oh fudge I didn’t even get to write a will yet I’m not ready-!

Zachary hit the ground just one foot from the gap across from where they’d been standing mere seconds before. He bounced as he did, knees bending and sending them skidding a few extra feet forward. Melissa didn’t even see the landing, and for another long few seconds she shuddered against the foot soldier, curling up. 

“Me-liss-ah? Are you good?”

Melissa forced her lungs to take in a breath, and she opened her eyes to see Zachary with his head tilted to look at her, a tiny grin on his face.

“I’m..fine. Just need to get my bearings and check to make sure I’m not getting a heart attack,” she wheezed.

Zachary nodded, beaming as she loosened a bit. With a surprising amount of gentleness he lowered her back onto her feet. Melissa’s legs wobbled, but she caught herself and she roughly brushed off her front.

“So? Did you like?”

“It was…something I guess,” Melissa mumbled, patting herself over before relaxing. “I’m not going to be begging to repeat it again though.”

“Awww,” Zachary pouted a bit. “Rocket jumping is fun though!”

“Sorry, but I don’t think that’s my thing,” Melissa smiled weakly.

“Oh…that’s okay! I guess you’re like my friend then!” Zachary perked up. “He hates going through air! And also airheads, but I don’t get that one because brains are in head and brains are made of brains, not air.”

“Well, we’re here anyways, so I guess both of us are going to see your friend sooner or later, huh?” Melissa crossed her arms, now feeling much more relaxed that the horrifying gap was no longer in their path. “Now, lets just get-”

“STOP RIGHT THERE!”

Melissa jolted at the hoarse but very loud screech that echoed from within the factory. Zachary turned as she did, and lit up as from within, zombies finally started to show up. 

“Oh, hello fellow…zombies?”

Melissa took in the small group of assorted zombies, all toting weapons threatiningly. Part of her rightly tensed up at the very unfriendly vibes coming from the apparent factory inhabitants, but she was mostly confused at their…unusual garb that was unusual even for the more eccentric looking plants and zombies she’d seen.

She looked over to Zachary’s puzzled expression as he took in the absolute abomination of red and white uniforms and apparent sportswear the determined yet terrified looking zombies had donned (?). 

“...I’m guessing that’s not usual factory get up, is it,” Melissa said dryly.

“You strangers!” The new group of red-and-white zombies shuffled aside to let through a lanky, tall zombie sporting a staff with a bouncy cutout of a foam finger propped on a hastily taped-spring. He stepped forward as regally as the zombie could, with what looked to be the cheapest possible fabric robes and cap flopping about limply in the open air. The duo shifted uneasily as the new zombie jabbed a finger at them, baggy eyes narrowed angrily at them.

“You knowledge bringers? Who are you? Why have you come to blemish Dummy’s sacred domain?”

Zachary and Melissa shared a look as the elderly-looking zombie continued pointing at them, finger shaking.

“Guess we know why everyone was calling them weird.”

“Yes Brainz, yes we do.”

Chapter Text

Melissa cleared her throat, the first to break the minute-long standoff with the red and white dummy-themed zombies in front of the factory and the duo facing them. She stepped up, putting on her best saleswoman voice she used for particularly irate customers who were demanding to speak to her manager.

“Uh, hello there! We don’t mean to intrude like this, and we do apologize for coming without warning,” Melissa started. “We were just coming to look for a friend of this soldier, and the last place we heard of him going to is here. We have no plans to blemish your…Dummy’s area, or anything like that.”

The zombies all flinched at the sentences that came out of her mouth, but they began to look somewhat thoughtful. The frontmost zombie lowered their finger, moving it to tap at his chin instead as he examined the two from head to toe suspiciously. The factory zombies all chattered to each other in hushed voices, too quiet for the translator to pick up their quiet mumblings of “Brains” and garbled English. 

“Hmmm, you both strange,” The frontmost zombie muttered, tapping his staff on the ground and causing a hush to fall over the crowd. “You speak very smartly, but you also aren’t as smart or rude as the scientist... Yes, perhaps you are not bad visitors…”

“Scientist?” Zachary perked up. He stomped forward, starting to lift his blaster up and prompting the few dummy-colored zombies to recoil and point their own blasters up at them. “So you do know where he is! Where is my friend?!”

“Zach! No violence!” Melissa hissed as she swatted his gun hand down.

“Oh, so the ‘scientist’ is your friend?” The front zombie’s eyes narrowed. The mob of zombies behind him hoisted their weapons at them as his voice grew louder. “So you come to help him destroy Dummy’s domain?!”

“What, no! My friend here is just worried about him because we haven’t seen him for days!” Melissa said, still keeping her saleswoman voice on. “He’s just really stressed!”

More quiet chatter, the frontmost zombie keeping their eyes trained on them in suspicion as a few zombies leaned forward to whisper in his ears. The quiet debate went on, and Melissa inched a bit closer to Zach as the soldier zombie tersely watched, a finger still on the trigger and green eyes fixed with deadly precision on the group.

Finally, the frontmost zombie spoke once again, voice grand and no longer quivering with quite as much fear as before. “You truly wish to only see your friend? You do not seek to infect our dumbness?”

“No brainz! I just want to find my friend!” Zachary snapped.

The frontmost zombie sighed with a grave frown. “Okay, since one of you is being not rude, we will take you to see the scientist…although I don’t think you will call him friend once you learn of the crime he has committed…”

“Crime?” Melissa’s inquisitive look to Zachary just elicited a shrug. “Well, whether he committed a crime or not we still want to see him.”

“Very well,” the zombie said. He slammed his staff into the ground, and the zombies aside from two foot soldiers who hovered about him dissipated to wander about the grounds. “I’ll take you to him!”

He paused, then quickly added, “Please don’t get too close. I don’t want your smartness too close to me.”

With that bizarre note, the zombie spun about and hobbled back inside the factory in his cheap-looking robes with the soldiers flanking him. After a beat of looking after him, Melissa sighed and gestured for Zachary to follow. The foot soldier shuffled after her, still fixing all the passing zombies with a glare that made them shudder and shamble away quicker.

As they entered the factory, Melissa quickly took in the relatively better condition of the interior compared to the outside. It was swarming with more zombies, though nowhere near as many as back in the zombie base with a greater quantity of dummy-flavored decoration and uniforms plastered over unmoving machinery and the walls. Some of the machines were still quietly beeping, alien in structure and purpose, but most were left to rot as the workers that used to attend to them now ignored them.

Melissa and Zach passed through a massive lobby toward a branching hall with short flights of stairs leading back to the outside, following after the hasty speed-walk of their staff-bearing escort. Melissa frowned in confusion at the room immediately facing the lobby. For a factory it was very out of place, without any typical lights but illuminated instead with an obscene quantity of lit candles and dozens upon dozens of various arrow signs pointing toward an empty plinth. Bright red marker was scribbled on the back wall, but the space simply felt empty. She couldn’t put a finger on it, but if she had to chance a guess there was something that was there before, but was no longer there, leaving no centerpiece for the various arrows and candles to gravitate around.

“What is that?”

“That?” The cap-bearing zombie, and the apparent leader of the factory zombies glanced over to the room. He stopped, eyes watering a bit before he forced out a choked breath. “That was Dummy’s room, and the sanctuary of dumbness…at least, until…until he was taken by a horrible Dreadroot!”

Their progress stopped dead when the zombie abruptly fell to his knees, bawling out loud and hitting the floor with his free fist. The two soldiers didn’t stoop down to such a dramatic display of misery, but they audibly sniffled as they averted their eyes. Zachary just stared completely dumbfounded, before looking over to Melissa with his thumb hooked at them to silently mouth, “What?”

Mercifully the zombies overcame their sudden sorrow after a brief moment. The staff-bearing zombie wiped at his eyes as he stood back up. “Sorry, I am just…full of sadness whenever I look upon where Dummy used to be. It feels like only yesterday that he was here, making us so dumb…dumb and happy…”

“...Okay then…”

They continued upward one of the adjacent flights of steps of Dummy’s room, past massive portraits of Zomboss posing proudly piled unceremoniously with tangles of festive lights and trash and back into the sun where more forest lay out before another crumbling open square of concrete. There were even more buildings laid out before them, and they wandered over to one of the other squatter buildings.

As they entered the sunlit space, they found themselves in a single room centered about the intrusive presence of a tree trunk jutting in the middle of the space. On one side of the trunk was an atrociously yellow, tall zombie with a pegleg on one leg and a crate smashed on his head like a splintery helmet slumped against the tree making tiny snores and oblivious to the group. In the middle by the same zombie, was a cage with-

“Leslie!”

Wh-Leslie?

The grumpy scientist zombie that had been slouching in the cage looked up at Zachary’s outburst, shifting to a more upright sitting position. His enlarged eyes slanted behind a set of massive, humming goggles that whirled to dilate his pupils. 

At the moment Melissa wasn’t entirely sure if the irritation on the zombie’s face was because he was in the cage, or because of the fact that his name was Leslie of all things.

“That’s Dr. Ate to you, you old dolt.”

Oh, it was definitely the name.

And it’s already stuck in my brain…such is the nature of bad names.

That didn’t stop a flicker of cheer in the scientist’s distorted eyes that belied the zombie’s scowl, fueling the beaming smile Zachary had as he rushed forward to smush his face against the bars. 

“Are you okay friend? Did they hurt you? Eat your popsmarts?” Zachary furtively whispered not very subtly at all. “ Did they spill juice on your coat? ”

“No, the idiots here just shoved me in here for the last couple days and I had to listen to Peg Legpuller here blabber on and on when he’s not sleeping and snoring like a train,” Leslie said. He shot a disdainful look at the dummy-uniformed zombies as he spoke, a small grin forming on his face as they quailed under his gaze. 

Melissa stepped a little bit closer as Zachary continued peppering the scientist with increasingly specific questions about their wellbeing to sneak a better look at the guest of the hour. With the closer look, she found herself surprised at more than just the zombie’s surprisingly eloquent speaking ability. 

Compared to Zachary’s shabby, stained and torn uniform that she had only repaired enough to not fall to shreds, the scientist was shockingly clean looking. He was dressed in a wrinkled but near-pristine white lab coat over a snappy blue dress shirt and red tie, sturdy brown cargo pants, and two intact pairs of loafers lightly stained not so much from negligence but more so from consistent use. A strange backpack hung off his back, a tiny satellite dish twitching about the top making soft pings as two massive tubes alternated pumping and pulling glowing purple fluid in between them. In Leslie’s hands an even more bizarre looking weapon than Zachary’s blaster hung, something that Melissa could only describe as a three pronged shotgun made of gleaming steel and covered with a plethora of blinking lights and a large lever.

On his head was a wild head of white hair that strained for the sky held in place only by the bulky metal headband that sat just a little bit above his goggles, adorned with a set of tiny robotic claws that sat unmoving and partially buried in white-gray strands. His goggles rotated about, making unseen adjustments as the zombie’s eyes shifted over to look at Melissa inquisitively, corneas not a washed-out green like Zachary’s but a dull, near invisible ring of gray barely blending into his pupils.

“Who’s this? I don’t remember ever seeing a buckethead like this before,” Leslie commented.

“Oh! Right!” Zachary pulled his face back off the bars with a loud pop, then leaned against the cage to gesture to Melissa. “Meh-liss-ah, this is Leslie! Leslie, this is Meh-liss-ah!”

“It’s Doctor Ate, you don’t need to tell everyone that I’m Leslie!” the scientist grumbled. “It’s so…. dull .”

Clearly, going off the exasperation on his face, this was a fat that Zachary had clearly been ignoring for a while. Melissa had to bite back the tiny giggle that threatened to escape her as she waved, taking note of the cheeky grin plastered on Zachary’s face even as the scientist huffed, leaning back against the back of the cage and making his pack clunk against the metal.

Oh, that name is staying in my memory for eternity.

“How did you two find me? I didn’t think Seabasstian had the courage to come back here twice in the same week,” Leslie asked, looking marginally more relaxed and less annoyed.

“I convinced him! He’s our friend too!” Zachary answered. “We followed other nice zombies who showed us where to go, then Meh-liss-ah got other weirdo zombies to let us see you, and now we’re going to rescue you!”

“Lovely. Please do release me, because my legs are starting to cramp,” Leslie stretched out a bit, grimacing when his legs hit the sides of the cage. “My teleport won’t even let me go through the bars.”

At that the staff-bearing zombie wheezed in alarm. “No, we cannot release him!”

Zachary jolted, then glared angrily at the dummy zombies. “Brainz? Why not?” 

“Because he has committed a crime!” The staff-bearing zombie jabbed the finger of the foam piece at the cage, eliciting an eye roll from the scientist.

“I don’t suppose you could actually tell us what this crime is?” Melissa asked, voice turning sharp with irritation. “You’ve been awfully vague about this.”

The staff-bearing zombie shuffled in place with conflict, before sighing wearily. “Okay, I will tell you the terrible thing that scientist did. But you must not scream, even if it is scary to hear!”

“...okay?” Melissa raised an eyebrow. 

“You see, that scientist is being punished because…” The zombie shuddered, then forced himself to speak, horror dripping from every word-

“He has a textbook! ”

“...”

Melissa just barely restrained herself from smacking her forehead - she was trying to be semi-courteous. But for the love of Dave, that statement was already soaring its way to the Top Ten Stupidest Sentences Ever Spoken, right alongside “I’m sure nothing’s going to go wrong!” and “Of course it’s fine to invest in NFTs!”.

Even Zachary had a look of disbelief…and this was from the same zombie who consistently tried to eat her good plates because they had flower patterns on them.

“Are you serious?” Melissa asked. “You locked him up for days with no contact and no room to move…because he had a textbook?”

“See? Even the buckethead thinks you’re being ridiculous,” Leslie said. The scientist reached out and pulled out a surprisingly hefty textbook, graced with the title: “Animal and Plant Ecology: 8th Edition”. At the mere sight of the book the staff zombie shrieked and backpedaled, prompting his two flanking soldiers to lift their guns and aim with shaking hands.

“No! Put it away! It’s making me learn words!” 

Melissa didn’t think it was possible for anyone to have as much disrespect in their eyes as the zombie scientist at that moment as they lowered the book into their lap. The scientist glanced back over to Zachary, who was now beginning to look quite justifiably enraged. “This is what I’ve been dealing with this entire week. I am quite literally surrounded by idiots.”

“Leslie, I am very sorry I did not come earlier to shoot the stupider zombies,” Zachary said. He paused thoughtfully. “Do you want me to shoot stupider zombies?”

“Not right now…but it’s tempting.”

Okay, this is going nowhere.

“Listen, we just came to get our friend and vamoose out of here,” Melissa piped up. “All you have to do is just let him out of the cage, and then he can come with us and you don’t have to worry about catching any…smartness.”

I can’t believe I just said that.

Her face fell when the staff zombie, despite the clear fear in his eyes, gritted his teeth together and straightened himself up. “No, we can’t! He who brought the horrible textbook of learning has yet to pay penance for his crimes! In the absence of Dummy, I, Tim, must carry out the law of Dummy…and those who bring knowledge must be punished or repent!”

“For the last time, I barely did anything,” Leslie groused.

Melissa groaned, sharing in the scientist’s distaste even more. Tim clearly was intensely devoted to this “dummy”...and he was also proving to be a huge pain in the bottom.

“Exactly how long are you even planning to keep him in here?” Melissa asked.

Tim tapped his finger against his chin, then slowly drawled out, “Maybe, like, ten years? Fifteen? We…kinda going off random number generator engineer found on computer.”

“YEARS?!?” Zachary hissed. “That’s stupid brainz! I should-”

“Zach, just calm down,” Melissa put up her hand. Zachary halted his anger to give her an askance look. His eyes suddenly widened when he took in her determined expression. She gave him a simple nod, one that he was familiar with and one that she had long attuned when she had become a financial advisor.

Well, time for me to put my negotiation skills to the test.

She stepped forward, politely clearing her throat and with the practiced ease of someone who regularly dealt with nincompoops wielding checks and phones slipped from annoyance to cool regard. The dummy-zombies blinked at the sudden transition in her mood, and Tim quite suddenly looked just a bit more unsure.

“It is clear that you and Leslie both believe that you have been wronged,” Melissa started, voice professionally smooth. “We could debate back and forth on why his crime is so severe and whatever else, but I think that this all can be resolved much more peacefully…so why don’t we make a deal?”

Tim blinked. “A…deal?”

“Yes, a deal,” Melissa said smoothly, grinning a bit. “We ask that you release Leslie now, rather than your proposed decade of imprisonment-”

“What! No! Bad idea!” Tim shouted.

“Can I finish before you begin putting up objections?” Melissa didn’t hiss or yell, but the extra bit of icy bite in her voice hushed Tim. Behind her, she could see Zachary and Leslie watching her, the former in recognition of what she was doing and the latter in contemplation.

“Thank you, Tim,” she smiled pleasantly, already dialing back the ice. The zombie blinked, the foot soldiers shuffling as they nervously analyzed their leader’s uncertainty and the cool confidence the “buckethead” standing before them was exuding.

“Now, as I was saying, we ask that Leslie be released and not have to sit in that cage for another decade…but in return we will do something for you,” Melissa said. 

“You do…something else?” Tim scratched his head.

“Basically, instead of Leslie doing time here, you let him out but he has to go out and do something on you and your…group’s behalf, with me and Zachary over there as assistants,” Melissa gestured. “Think of it like doing community service instead of serving time.”

Tim’s face scrunched up as he strained to consider her words. “I do not know what a community service is, or how time is serves…but I likes those words.” The zombie’s eyes suddenly widened as the metaphorical puzzle pieces slotted into place.

“So, if we get scientist out of cage, he does thing for us?”

“Pretty much.”

“Anything?”

“I mean, so long as it isn’t something that he absolutely doesn’t want to do at all, mostly,” Melissa gestured over to the scientist, who was now looking very intrigued. “I’m sure he’ll mention if he wants to do the deed or not.”

“Oh, I already know what it is they want,” Leslie said, a sneer on his decaying face. “I’m already quite partial to this little arrangement she’s proposing.”

Tim puttered about for a minute, face twisted as he warily looked to Leslie and then back to Melissa, waiting patiently with a pleasant poker face for him to look upon.

Finally, the zombie broke and he groaned. 

“Oh, all this smartness is too much! Fine then, we takes the deal!” Tim said. He shoved a hand into his robes and pulled out a large key, of which he gave to one of the dummy foot soldiers. The soldier reluctantly took it, and shuffled forward to put the key in the lock. With excessive haste he scrambled back the moment the cage lock clicked from closed to open, giving Tim a fearful look.

Leslie stretched, smiling broadly as he pushed himself up to a crouch so that he could shoulder open the cage door. The scientist stepped out, loafers softly padding on the concrete and he unfurled himself to his full height. The scientist was shorter than Zach, and in fact was an inch below Melissa’s own height, but the sheer smugness radiating from him made the scientist feel much bigger.

“Now, that is much better,” Leslie hummed.

“Okie, we let you out. Now please don’t touch, me already getting too smart” Tim said, smiling wanly as he put up his hands in a warding gesture.

“Don’t worry. I have absolutely no intention of getting within six feet of you,” Leslie said, the reasoning for his statement clear with the distaste in his eyes. Still, the statement seemed to pacify Tim who lowered his hands, although the two foot soldiers still looked substantially worried at having the scientist out in the open.

The other foot soldier in the room was not nearly so cowed, and when the scientist wasn’t looking glomped his companion from the back. Leslie jolted with surprise at Zachary’s surprise hug, some more irritation flashing across his face, but didn’t resist him and simply reciprocated with a tiny pat on the soldier’s head.

“Buckethead zombie who is scarily smart, can I ask for favor now?” Tim asked, tapping his fingers together.

“Well yes, since you did just release L- Dr. Ate,” Melissa quickly corrected, stealing a look at the scientist who just raised an eyebrow at her as he continued tolerating Zachary’s enthusiastic affections. “Now, what is it you need him to do?”

A bit of a devilish look came over the staff-wielding dummy worshiping zombie’s face, a clear contrast to his earlier befuddled, stressed expressions. Even if his “evil” look was nowhere near any of the mean faces Melissa had seen - it honestly looked quite goofy for such an elderly-looking zombie - it did make Melissa hesitate a bit.

“Ooooh, I know best way to have scientist prove his dumbness, and to make Dummy happy…” Tim said sinisterly. “Scientist, and his friends, I ask you to-”

“Go steal Dummy back from Dreadwood?” Leslie said dryly. “Yes, it’s all I’ve been hearing you all talk about.”

“...rude…” Tim muttered under his breath. The zombie cleared his throat, and resumed his statement. “Yes, in order to prove your dumbness and repent for your smartness, you must go rescue Dummy from Dreadwood!”

“So, you want us to fight Dreadwood?” Zachary asked, cocking his head to the side as he finally relinquished his grip on Leslie.

“Yes!”

“But how? Isn’t Dreadwood giant tree monster? How we get Dummy out of big tree stomach?”

“With this!” With surprising strength Tim reached behind him and pulled out a massive purple boombox….from somewhere. The three non-dummy zombies (minus the still sleeping pirate snoring and unnoticed in the background) raised their eyebrows/theoretical eyebrows at it.

“You take magic boombox and play lullaby! The lullaby makes Dreadwood sleep, and Dreadroots sleep and all Dreadwood sleep!” Tim explained. “And then, you can sneak in…and then Dummy can escape while Dreadwood wake up and eat you!”

“...okay, aside from the getting eaten part everything actually sounds quite smarrr-dumb! Quite dumb!” Melissa backpedaled when she nearly mentioned the taboo word. Tim’s eyebrow twitched at her near slip, but his growing cheer didn’t falter as he hefted the boombox, banged up but functional looking. “I think it might work!”

Leslie took a bit longer with his response, but he gave a simple nod. “It’s solid, I suppose.” 

The scientist held out a hand for the boombox. “My report to Zomboss is going to be due soon, and I just want to get this over with. You can just hand it over, and we can finish this ‘favor’ up in less than an hour.”

“Weell,” Tim frowned a bit, “Funny story. Plants realized that boombox can make Dreadwood sleep, and tried to attack. We saved boombox…but it kinda got broke. Kinda.”

“...Of course,” Leslie grumbled, gloved hand falling down. 

“But boombox doesn’t look that broken!” Zach pointed out. “I’m sure we can fix it, easy peasy!”

“It does look pretty good for something that’s apparently been pummeled by plants,” Melissa noted. She would not proclaim herself to be any sort of engineer, but to her eyes the boombox did look perfectly fine. She leaned forward, scanning the empty tape deck, the scratches and green-chlorophyll stains decorating the plastic, and the bent antenna.

“Okay, that’s not too bad,” Melissa mused. “It just needs batteries, some kind of tape, and then it’ll be good!”

“Yes! You right! You needs batteries, lullaby tape, and cool stickers!”

Melissa fixed Tim with a dead stare. “...Why stickers?”

“The stickers are very necessary,” Tim said, nodding his head vigorously. “Believe me.”

“...I guess we can figure out where to get stickers too,” Melissa grumbled.

“This’ll be trivial,” Leslie snorted. “Just another roadbump, but I’m used to dealing with roadbumps…”

“And you have us!” Zachary shouted cheerfully.

The scientist sighed, but there was a flicker of a grin as he said, “Yes, I do have you…Zach and… Melissa here.”

She shivered under the zombie scientist’s uncannily keen gaze, shimmering with an intensity that rivaled the bug-eyed stares of every other zombie even when in a full on feeding frenzy. Still Melissa smiled a bit, feeling a bit better than she had earlier. Zachary gave her an extra pat on the back, weaving about to squeak in between his human and zombie companion and oblivious to Leslie’s piercing stare. “Well, at least this is actually not completely bonkers. How hard can it be to fix a boombox?”

Chapter Text

“Zachary, for the last time you are not letting yourself get concussed to go on some spiritual journey to get batteries!” Melissa said firmly, planting her feet down.

“But it sounds interesting!” Zachary protested. “I want to see what a spiritual looks like!”

Melissa massaged her forehead, feeling a headache that she didn’t feel much like hiding now that she didn’t have to negotiate with Tim. “As lovely as spiritual introspection can be normally, I can think of sixty better ways to do it than getting bludgeoned over the head with a wooden plank!”

“The buckethead is right,” Leslie said, peeking around the corner of the building to spear the Engineer - the aptly named Hugh D. Votee - who’d originally proposed the idea with a burning glare. “I rather enjoy you at your current level of intelligence.”

The engineer shyly waved at him, then squeaked as Leslie very calmly mimed what Melissa had just done to his “mind opener” a few minutes ago. Melissa almost felt bad, but she could only spare so much pity for someone who just tried to crack open Zachary’s head with a giant plank of wood.

“Look, you don’t let yourself get hit on the head, and I’ll show you how to do meditation,” Melissa said, spotting the speculative gleam that was still in the foot soldier’s eyes. She only really had minimal experience with actual meditation - the crux of her abilities went only as far as the few hours she’d spent listening to the melodious voice of some solar sage from some sleep app…but Zachary didn’t need to know that.

Zachary huffed, looking more put off than he should have about not getting hit over the head. “But how is we supposed to get the batteries then?”

Leslie coughed, sidling over by Zachary. “I believe I may have a solution by that.”

The zombie scientist reached inside his coat, and as Zachary watched him curiously he pulled out an unfamiliar tube, barely long enough to lay across half of his palm but fat enough to comfortably wrap fingers around it. Leslie tapped a tiny button, and held it up to Zach’s nose. “Take a whiff.”

Zachary did, and barely got through one sniff before his face scrunched up. “Bleh!”

The foot soldier clapped a hand over his mouth, somehow looking greener than he already was. The soldier barely turned about enough to start gagging loudly with his back to Melissa’s shocked face. He heaved, then with a loud splat something came out of his mouth.

“Hey, why you make me sniff stinky Garlic?!” Zachary, still looking greener around the gills than usual, looked indignantly at the pleased scientist. “Now all my nostrils smell is - oh look! Batteries!”

Zachary’s face morphed to happiness faster than he had puked, and he turned back around to hold open his hands. Melissa backed away, but after a moment hesitantly inched back to take a look inside his open palms. Indeed, there were two intact, slime-covered batteries sitting pretty. Miraculously, it was just the batteries and…not anything else.

“Zach, when did you eat batteries?” Melissa made a face, half disgusted and half pleasantly surprised as Leslie released the little button on the side of the tube and tucked it back in his lab coat with a pleased smirk.

“It’s always been a habit of Zachary’s…and most other zombies for that matter,” Leslie said smoothly. “They look like candy, so they gobble it up and it sits in their stomach. I can’t count how many times he ate batteries for my projects when we were roommates in Zomboss Academy.”

“It’s not my fault you always get delicious looking batteries!” Zachary pouted as he dried off the batteries on the bottom hem of his uniform. 

“And that’s why I formulated Garlic smelling salts!” Leslie retorted. “Even just a small amount is potent enough to get any Zombie to lose their lunch, and ideal for retrieving important items that…end up in the wrong place.”

Zachary looked up, suddenly smiling brightly. “Oh! Zachary remembers you working on that! You spilled it on your favorite coat once, and then you couldn’t eat anything and then you had to bribe viking zombies to hold viking funeral when you couldn’t stand breathing in fumes from coat anymore!”

Leslie flushed a bit as Melissa barely restrained a snicker, staring appalled at the cheekily grinning zombie soldier. “Do you have to mention that story in front of everyone?”

“As random book I ate once said, it my job to embarrass you in front of people!” Zachary said cheerfully. “Otherwise, your head get too full of hot air! Your head is already puffy from being Top Zombie!”

Melissa paused in puzzlement, although a grin had started to form on her face as she was suddenly struck by the idea of this proper, hygienic zombie sharing a room with the same zombie that hoarded broken plant pots and toilet paper rolls in a slowly growing pile of junk in the guest bedroom. Melissa had been in college, and she could only imagine based on her own roommate experience what that could have been like with a college full of zombies. There was however one other part of that sentence that caught her attention. “What do you mean by Top Zombie?”

“You don’t…?” Leslie paused, then he sighed. “Oh right, Zomboss doesn’t usually advertise who the Top Zombie’s are for security. Of course you wouldn’t know.”

“Oh, Zach should have told you!” Zachary perked up, smiling proudly as he patted Leslie on the shoulder with his non-battery hand. “Leslie is a Top Zombie! That mean he is a Zomboss high ranking scientist who do big smart science things like build big Zombots, build big lasers, build big ships, build-”

“Yes Zach, that’s one part of the job,” Leslie cut off Zachary before he could expound upon any more of the “big” things Leslie apparently was building. “I also serve as the head of one of the main Z-Tech factories and act as a scientific advisor for the generals and heroes to direct the best way to annihilate the plants and obtain brains. I occasionally even work with Zomboss on his less-pressing projects!” The zombie scientist sighed. “Ah, that was a wonderful time…aside from Zomboss stealing all the Popsmarts at breakfast…”

“Wow…that is a lot,” Melissa said, her grin becoming a bit more forced.

This zombie is…a top scientist who works with Zomboss directly? 

That suddenly explained a whole lot…and also made her stomach suddenly lurch at the implications of Leslie being here.

Zachary just smiled proudly, looking over at Leslie with sparkles in his eyes and hands planted on his hips like a dad watching his kid score a soccer goal in a minor league game. “Leslie was best in Academy class. He have so much not-edible brains, he impressed even Zomboss! He got made squad leader in first Garden War, and went on to full Top Zombie when he figured out how to beat the first giant stinky Hypno flower!”

Melissa had no idea what most of that actually meant, but it all sounded very good and even as her insides started to tap dance in anxiety she still shot the zombie scientist a smile. “That does sound very impressive.”

“It is,” Leslie preened, the first inklings of a full smile finally starting to form on his face. “It’s very hard to impress Zomboss, but I did it anyway despite what everyone said. Oh, the day I got the promotion and I got to rub the certificate in Marlin’s face…”

Melissa paused, realization hitting her. “If you’re Top Zombie, did that mean you came here on official business?”

“Yes! Not about Dreadwood, but about the Z-Tech factory since it dropped off the map for such a long time,” Leslie nodded. The scientist curled his lips. “But since we are going after Dreadwood, who appears to be the cause of the factory’s destruction and…possible contributor to this Dummy cult…this still slots nicely into my original schedule give or take the few days of being confined to a miniscule cage.”

Zachary huffed, pocketing the batteries somewhere in his pants and batting at Leslie’s arm. “Okie, okie, we get it, you very busy with big important schedule and talking about how cool you are. I like talking about how cool my friends are, but why we standing around to talk? We should be finding a tape and stickers!”

“Oh, right!” Melissa exclaimed. “Problem though. Where the heck are we going to find a tape, or stickers? We’ve been asking around the factory, and all anyone could tell us was about the…’sacred batteries’...” 

She made sure to add air quotes around that particular word.

“True, we are now a bit lacking on leads…” Leslie mused, brow furrowing. “Blast, this level of disorganization and inefficiency in a Z-Tech factory is simply appalling!”

Zachary tapped his chin, tongue sticking out as he pondered their dilemma for a quick minute before snapping his fingers. “Oh, we just ask other zombies that are not in weird factory! They were helpful before!”

“Oh, good point! At the very least, they can point us in the right direction,” Melissa smiled. “Nice job Zach!”

“Of course!” Zachary beamed. The soldier dramatically pointed back out roughly where they came. “We return to the road! Come on, come on!”

“Very well, we will….and he’s already gone,” Leslie said dryly as Zachary, apparently forgetting the other two didn’t have a giant jetpack, went soaring away with an explosive blast and hit his head on the top of the doorway.

…

Jumping back over the murky water went about as smoothly as it had the first time, with Melissa clinging to Zachary for dear life as they flew through the air. Now that they were down on the lower “floor” of the road though the jump felt less intimidating. The only thing that stood out was the moment they touched down and Zach turned about to gesture at Leslie, and Melissa had glanced down at said water. There were no plants in sight, but she could have sworn she saw the water bubble close to where they stood.

Melissa had looked away to see Leslie pull out a little remote and, in a burst of energy, phased right across the giant gap. She’d looked back to the water while Zachary cheered, and the strange bubbles she’d just seen were gone.

Still though…it almost felt like something…or someone was there.

That was far from the focus of her thoughts as they backtracked their way back across the road. Zachary, clearly eager to get to the action sooner rather than later, took point and charged in front of them, only slowing down long enough to make sure they were still within eyesight of him. Melissa walked at a more leisurely pace, content to walk as the soldier ran (or more accurately, flipped his jetpack on to go flying ahead). Leslie himself seemed to have a similar idea and walked alongside her, turning his head and walking with only a minimal limp from his warped foot.

Leslie rolled his shoulders, a crack of a smile forming on his face. “Aaaahh, it’s almost enjoyable to feel the sun on my face,” he hummed contentedly. “I can pretend I enjoy being out in this plant filled hellscape.”

“I don’t know if the woods are a hellscape per say.It doesn’t seem that bad, aside from the…spontaneous growing trees,” Melissa suggested.

That elicited a strange look from Leslie. “Hmm, you know you’re the first browncoat who isn’t frothing at the mouth at the mere thought of how many plants there are to chew upon. I wasn’t aware Zomboss was expanding the Browncoat Advancement program to more than just the TV Heads.”

“Oh, uh, thanks?” Melissa shifted awkwardly.

That elicited a head tilt from the scientist, goggles rotating to magnify his pupils even more. She shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny. After a moment, the zombie scientist slowly responded. “You know, I like to think I stay in the loop of most zombie training regimes. After all, I’m in charge of some of them. Yet, I have never seen a buckethead, or any browncoat speaking with such fluency…or move without the usual zombie shamble. I’m very sure I would remember if we had such a program to train them as such.”

“...is that a compliment?” Melissa asked nervously.

“No, just curiosity,” Leslie hummed. He leaned in a bit closer, eyes glinting with a sudden intensity that made Melissa’s heart quail. “You are a very strange zombie, Melissa . I just can’t help but wonder what it is that makes you so special…”

“What do you mean?” Melissa laughed weakly. “I’m…just another zombie!”

Leslie narrowed his eyes, fingers twitching. “I think I’d beg to differ-”

“Oh hi Cleatus! We found our friend!” 

The wonderful croaky voice of Zachary blissfully cut apart the sudden interrogation, and Leslie was blissfully distracted enough by him to look away to where Zach waved by a once again standing Cleatus. Melissa gave a silent sigh of relief, and waved at the lightly sniffling All Star.

“Hello again funny buckethead! You didn’t get eaten in the factory?” Cleatus asked as she approached.

“I wouldn’t exactly be here if I was eaten, would I?” Melissa ribbed back, touched by the football zombie’s concern for who to him was still mostly a stranger.

“Oh right! Just me getting all worked up after Dummy, was almost ready to cry again…I mean do sports that make my eyes sweaty!” Cleatus blurted out. 

He looked over to where Leslie stood, and gasped in recognition. “Oh, I remembers you! Good to see Top Zombie was also not eaten by Dreadwood!”

“Glad to see at least one zombie in these woods knows and respects the position,” Leslie mumbled before saying out loud, “Yes, I did not get eaten…but I did get shoved in a cage for several days which was almost worse.”

“Oh, the cult got you?” Cleatus winced. “If Dummy gets saved, I’m going to have to talk with him about telling his big fancy cult to not be mean.”

“You want to help save Dummy too?” Zachary cut in. 

“Of course I want to save Dummy! He’s still my friend, even if he left to be a high and mighty cult leader!” Cleatus exclaimed, looking almost offended at the insinuation that he wouldn’t help. 

Zachary threw up his hands. “Sorry, brainz! Didn’t meant to make angry!” 

“Well, if you want to help, then would you happen to know anything about a boombox?” Melissa asked. “Tim back in the cult showed it to us and said that it could put Dreadwood to sleep, but we need to fix it. We already have batteries, but we don’t really know where to get a tape to play in the boombox…or cool stickers, for some stupid reason…”

“Lullaby tape?” Cleatus perked up. “Oh, I have one of those!”

“Really? Well, that was easy!” Melissa smiled. 

“I got it when I tried to rescue Dummy on my own!” Cleatus exclaimed as he reached about to dig in one of his pants pockets. “I stole it from plants and got away, and I kept it with me! Except…”

“Except what?” Leslie asked.

Cleatus very gingerly found the item in question and gingerly pulled it out. “Since Dummy wasn’t around like he usually was to help protect me the tape kinda sorta…got completely messed up.”

Well, that’s one way of putting it, Melissa thought begrudgingly as she took in the horrifyingly tangled mess of magnetic tape pulled out of the cassette’s dirty plastic casing, unspooled to long enough lengths to tangle around the zombie’s fingers. Melissa had a vague idea of how cassettes were supposed to work, and with her limited knowledge it was very clear that the current state of this tape was unplayable…and she was nowhere near confident enough to try fixing it herself. She was aware of rewinding the tape via the little tape wheels to reset it, but with how absurdly unwound the tape was she wasn’t even sure if that would be sufficient. 

“...well, of course there’s going to be more problems,” Leslie grumbled.

“I tried fixing myself, but I don’t know how tape works. Just made funny black ribbons get longer,” Cleatus mumbled apologetically as he shuffled his feet.

Leslie examined the tape for himself for several moments. He huffed. “Darn, I don’t know enough about non Z-Tech items to know how to fix this.”

“Maybe smack with hammer? Engineers do that all the time, and it fixes stuff!” Zachary suggested. “I can go and find a big hammer!”

“Something tells me the tape wouldn’t survive that,” Melissa mumbled.

Zachary’s words did have the All Star tapping his chin, eyes glimmering with a spark of inspiration. “Well, I do have a solution, I think,” Cleatus added slowly.

“Really?” Leslie squinted dubiously at the sportsy zombie. “I swear if you mention hitting it with a wrench instead of a hammer-”

Cleatus huffed. “No! We don’t need to use a wrench!...Though maybe that a good back up plan.” Ignoring the eyebrow twitch from the scientist zombie, Cleatus continued. “I was thinking that we use Washy!”

“Washy?” Melissa asked.

“Yes, Washy!” Cleatus replied.

“Yes, that’s what I said...but who is Washy?” Melissa asked once again.

“Washy is the washing machine I use down in the campgrounds!” Cleatus said. “He is very good at rewinding my clothes back to before they were soaked in my tear- I mean, the sweat from all the sports I do! I’m sure that if he can do that, then he can rewind a tape!”

Melissa made a face. “I don’t think that’s how washing machines work-”

“Oh! That’s an even better idea than my idea!” Zachary exclaimed excitedly. “I always wanted to see how a washing machine worked!”

“Zachary, I’ve shown you how a washing machine works before,” Melissa said dryly.

“But it wasn’t a washing machine with a name !” Zachary stressed. He turned, practically bouncing on his heels as he addressed Leslie next. “Leslie! Can we use the washing machine? Please please please?”

“I may side with the buckethead on this,” Leslie said. “I am fairly sure there is a-”

“Pleeeeaaaasssee?” Zachary clapped his hands together and pouted. “It might be cool! We can probably shoot a bunch of stinky plants and fix tape at same time! It’ll be like old times! Fun!”

“Zach, that is not-”

“C’mon, when was the last time you got to do something that not just building and brain hurting?” Zachary pleaded. “It been forever since we get to do fun thing together! Please?”

Leslie hesitated, taking in Zachary who was practically incandescent with excitement. He sighed. “Fine, we can go look at the washing machine and see if it is suitable for our purposes.”

Zachary let out a very un-zombie-like scream and immediately glomped Leslie, shaking the poor scientist up and down as he danced about like a madman. “Yay! You the best! Thank you Leslie!”

Said scientist could barely formulate a response with how he was being shaken like a soda can, aside from a wheezy, “...please….put…me…down…” Zachary did, letting the scientist flop back onto his feet looking as though he just crawled out of his own washing machine and hair looking even messier than before. “Thank…you…”

“Melissa! Do you want to go visit washing machine too?” Zachary turned his head about to the disguised human. “I know you like appliances, I think you like Washy too maybe!”

Oh no, is he referring to that time he saw me half-asleep hugging the coffee machine? She thought, thankful that the face paint was covering up the hot flush on her cheeks.

“Uh, sure?” Melissa shrugged, not sure what else she could add to assuage any more of the foot soldier’s overexcitement.

“YAY!” Zachary jumped. Thankfully he didn’t give Melissa the same shaker-treatment he gave Leslie, but instead turned about to rapidly shake the befuddled yet tentatively smiling Cleatus’s hand. “Thank you for great idea! This is going to be great!”

“Wait, a second,” Melissa paused, looking at Cleatus dubiously. “If you did know how to fix this tape, then why didn’t you already go to do it?” Melissa asked.

At his question, Cleatus blinked, then looked down. “Uh, when I was getting tape, there were a bunch of plants attacking. And since Dummy wasn’t there, the tape got messed up and my cannon…. also got kinda sorta completely broken, so I can’t really fight plants to get back to Washy…” 

Cleatus looked down, embarrassment in every fiber of his body. “...Sorry.”

“...Unbelievable,” Leslie grumbled. He crossed his arms, teeth worrying at his lip as he pondered. Under his breath he mumbled, “We do need as much help as we can scrounge up to finish this up in time…Well, I suppose it’s a good thing I decided to bring my toolkit on this little mission.” 

The scientist pointed straight to Cleatus. “You! Bring out the cannon! Let me take a look at it!”

Cleatus jolted at the sudden command, but quickly gathered himself to give a quick salute. “Oh, okay!” 

He spun about and hobbled over to the tent he had set up in his little corner of the mini cave. He shuffled about inside of it, grunting as he pulled on something heavy and from the sound of rattling cans buried under a pile of other stuff. With a loud crack and bang, Cleatus heaved out an absurdly massive, red mini-gun like weapon. The impact rattled something inside the weapon’s loading chamber, making it ring like a giant maraca. 

Cleatus grimaced at the noise. “It keeps making noise. I’m too scared to stick hand inside.”

“Then let me shed some light on the situation!” the scientist announced, waltzing over

Leslie leaned in to peer into the barrel end of the gun, squinting. He reached up to tap at a button on his headband, and the claws which had previously remained perfectly still pivoted about. One opened, and from its center emitted a beam that was dim in the ambient forest light but lit up the dark insides of the gun.

“...Doesn’t seem like anything major. Just have to realign the reloading mechanism and reattach the chain here,” Leslie mused. He reached into his coat and pulled out a little bag. He waited several moments, then looked up to where Cleatus was wringing his hands. “Do you want me to fix it or not? I need a bit of space to work!”

“Oh! sorry!” Cleatus shuffled over to stand with Zach and Melissa. Head tracking his movements, the zombie scientist nodded once he was satisfied with the distance then turned his head about. His body blocked what he was doing, but there was a plethora of loud banging, half-mumbled curses intermixed with mumblings of “Oh good brains…” that lead Melissa to the conclusion that he was doing something at the very least.

With lack of much anything else to do, Cleatus looked to Zachary. “Say, brainz, I didn’t know scientist could do engineer’s job.”

“Of course Leslie can do job of engineer! He do the best job with weapons!” Zachary declared proudly. “He can take stinky old laser blaster and make into death ray! He turn crossbow into flamethrower! He can do anything!”

“Really?” Cleatus asked. Melissa too listened, partially because she didn’t have much else to do but mostly out of intrigue for Zachary’s rather bold claims.”

“Oh yeah! See, I can show you!” The foot soldier tossed his gun over from one hand to the other then passed it off to Melissa with a casual toss. She gasped in surprise but managed to clumsily catch it, the surprisingly heavy gun nearly slipping from her sweaty hands. The reason for the very rare parting of Zachary from his weaponry became clear as, with some struggle and a concerning crack from his spine, he pulled his jetpack/rocket launcher off his back. 

“This used to be standard rocket for current soldier line!” Zachary said. “But then Leslie did thing with wrench and capacitor and some other electric thingamajig and BOOM! Can do rocket leap and better rocket now, like older model!”

“Oooh!” Cleatus’ eyes went wide. “That is cool! Will he do same with my cannon?”

That question was answered not by Zachary, but by Leslie himself panting and just barely able to hold Cleatus’ cannon above the ground.

“Yes, of course I did! Now please take it, my arms are going to fall off.”

The All Star took a look at the newly polished up weapon and gasped excitedly. He deftly seized it from Leslie, ignoring the scientist hunched and wheezing with hands on his knees in favor of joyfully examining his improved weapon with more joy than a child at Christmas. 

He eyed a nearby tree, then with an ease maneuvered the heavy weapon to point at it and then-

BAPBAPBPABPABPABPABP!

Melissa clapped her hands over her ears as the cannon barked to life, spitting out footballs at blinding speeds. They smashed into the bark of the tree, splintering the wood and sending debris everywhere as the detonating footballs crashed into their target with no mercy. The barrage only lasted a heartbeat and Cleatus removed his finger from the trigger as soon as it was clear the weapon was functional, but the short time was all that was needed to leave a smoking, torn apart layer of sappy wood and a road full of splinters.

“Wow! You did a great job!” Cleatus said in approval, grinning back at Leslie now fully recovered and standing with his arms crossed, smiling smugly at the praise. “Cannon feels even stronger now!”

“Of course I did a good job!” Leslie said. “I would have liked to add some more tuning up of course, but for on the field it is one of my better patch jobs! But now, it should be perfectly functional for this mission!”

“So you do want me to come with you?” Cleatus asked, hefting the cannon in his hands and relishing in the weight of his clearly beloved weapon in his hands.

“I want to finish fixing this boombox before the end of the day! I expect the more zombies we get to help, the faster we finish everything up!” Leslie said. “Now, Zachary and myself are quite capable and we also do have…Melissa, but it would be greatly appreciated if we could have another experienced soldier by our sides. Now, if you don’t have any objections, will you come to assist on this mission?”
Cleatus' face morphed to one of utmost solemnity. He nodded, voice stern. “Even if Dummy left me, he’s still my friend. I can’t just stand around and not do anything.” The All Star grinned, looking less like the sad zombie he’d been before and with a newfound confidence that made him feel more imposing than before. “I’m in.”

“Excellent!” Leslie cackled eagerly. “Ah, finally, things are going our way!”

Melissa jumped a bit when the scientist whipped his head back over to her. “Do you have a weapon of some sort?”

She thought for a moment, then gingerly reached inside her backpack which had up to now sat untouched. “I…have a knife?” She said weakly, pulling out a rather puny swiss army multitool that looked absolutely pathetic compared to the blaster she was still holding onto for Zachary, Leslie’s bizarre shotgun-thing, and Cleatus’s cannon.

All three zombies took in the knife, and shook their heads pityingly.

“Good grief, who outfitted you?” Leslie asked, staring at the multitool as if it were a hunk of garbage. “That little thing could hardly nick a weed! Don’t you have any Z-Tech on you or in that funny little backpack of yours?”

“...No?” Melissa squeaked.

“Oh good grief,” Leslie grumbled. He rummaged inside his coat once more, grumbling to himself. “It’s a good thing I decided to overstock this time. Here!”

The scientist tossed Melissa something, the blocky device soaring through the air. She jumped and then shot forward a hand to catch it, multitool falling from her hand in her haste. It landed in her hand, but she overbalanced and she let out a panicked meep as she tipped-

“Gotcha!” Thankfully, Zachary had put his jetpack back on and left his hands free to quickly snap out to grab his blaster still dangling from her hand. He pulled her back, gently tugging his blaster back out of her hands.

“Oh, thanks Zach,” Melissa sighed before turning her attention to the strange piece of tech now in her hand. It was a blocky, squat little thing completely opposite in aesthetic to the sleeker weaponry of the other zombies. She could best describe it as a retro disk player chopped out of some poor PC and outfitted with a velcro strap that looked to slip onto her hand and various other parts that she couldn’t quite figure out the purpose of. She looked up to Leslie, who was looking at her expectantly. “Uh, thank you.”

Leslie nodded brusquely. “It’s the Unkind Rewind, aka a high-velocity tape ejector! Easy to use, easy to carry, even the dullest browncoat can use it to great effectiveness! I was keeping one on me in case of emergencies, but clearly you need it more at this point, considering how shoddily equipped you are. On another note, when this mission is done, I do ask that you show me which imbecile equipped you. I’m sure Zomboss will have a field day when he finds out one of his distributors is slacking in their duties…” Leslie grinned evilly on that note, a sinister chuckle escaping him.

“Oh, alright. That’s fine,” Melissa mumbled. “Perfectly fine…”

Is it too late to run in the opposite direction?

Ignoring her impending sense of doom, Melissa took the tape ejector and slid the strap where the little finger holes indicated places for her hand to fit in. The box fit perfectly on her hand, the strap comfortably wrapped about her hand and the tape ejector only slightly weighing down her hand. A metal handle hung down from the ejector, pressed firmly against the velcro on her palm. Lightly squeezing her fingers against the handle, she could feel a wide button that depressed slightly under the pressure - clearly, the trigger for this particular weapon.

“Of course, you need these as well!” Leslie tossed even more things at her, this time a packaged bundle of squares. She caught these more easily, the hard plastic edges digging into her skin. 

“I brought a limited amount of ammunition, but you should have plenty to get out of a scrape with some weeds,” Leslie explained. “Don’t you go losing them by eating or dropping them in a bog somewhere, I will not be able to make any more unless the Dummy Cult decided to fix up that horror of a manufactory they have.”

“Gotcha, I’ll keep that in mind,” Melissa nodded, using her free hand to tuck the bundle of tightly-packed square things into the side pocket of her backpack.

Well, at least I’m not completely defenseless now. She thought. That’s an improvement. So now I just have to go with the zombies to find a washing machine and…possibly fight a horde of plants.

…Oh Dave, I am not ready for this.

No one noticed the dawning horror on her face as Leslie once again turned to address the other two zombies, voice stern and commanding. “Now that everyone is actually equipped, let's get on the road! Lead the way, Cleatus!”

Chapter Text

Washy was…a very regular looking washing machine. Melissa wasn’t entirely sure what she was expecting, but she was certain it was a bit more than a faded yellow front-loading washing machine that looked like it’d been made in the vintage 80s and left out to sit in the middle of the dusty campgrounds for just as long. The fact that it was just sitting out in the middle of the campground and not in a building and the swarm of plants that had previously been milling about the machine was probably the only strange thing Melissa could see about Washy.

“So, what do you think?” Cleatus asked, walking over with his cannon slung over a bare shoulder pad. A bit of smoke wafted from the yawning opening of the cannon, still hot from blasting percussive blasts of explosive footballs at the pack of hapless weeds. Ignoring the small dip in her gut at the observation, Melissa gave a simple shrug. She raised a brow at the washer, “Washy looks…good. I guess?”

“Well, we found the washer Cleatus,” Leslie piped up, walking over with his own weapon buzzing. The scientist didn’t look the least bit impressed, squinting at the washing machine with utmost disdain. Zachary was right by him, looking much less bored and more curious as he cocked his head like a curious bird. With exhausted eyes Leslie glanced over to Cleatus. “Alright, All Star. What next?”

“That’s simple!” Cleatus beamed. He handed the tape to Melissa, and looked expectantly at her. “First, you open the door…”

She followed his instructions even though Melissa could feel her eyebrows almost about to fly off her forehead with how high they were raised.

“You put in the tape, then in the little drawer thing you put in two…no, one cup of detergent…”

Melissa continued to follow, gingerly putting in the tape in the drum of Washy. As she took the detergent bottle conveniently sitting on the ground and poured the pungent blue syrup into the lid, she had to battle against her urge to chuck the cassette out of the washing machine because wouldn’t it just break the darn thing?

If Cleatus noticed Melissa’s incredulity, he was doing a rather good job of hiding it. In the same confident tone he had, he concluded his grand instructions. “Then you close the door…and click the power button!”

“...this was a mistake,” Leslie grumbled under his breath.

“Cleatus, are you absolutely sure washing the cassette tape isn’t just going to break it?” Melissa asked, finger hovering over the washing machine’s on button. The plastic winked ominously at her, and she pleadingly looked at the All Star.

“I’m sure! I have confidence in Washy’s washing skills!” Cleatus said. “If he can rewind my tear-I mean, sweat soaked clothes to not being soaked, he can definitely rewind a tape! Although…” Cleatus' enthusiasm dimmed a bit. “Since he’s been washing away all my tears, Washy has gotten a bit…moody.”

“Well that’s…informative…” She mumbled, even more confused than before.

“W-we just have to be supportive when he turns on! Don’t worry, it make more sense when you see!” Cleauts hastily clarified, waving his hand and sweat dropping.

Biting back her common sense from writhing in pain any more than it already was, Melissa sighed. Without another word, breath bated and hopes on the line, she pressed the button with a cheery ping!

Washy shook once, twice, then shuddered hard. Melissa had to bite back a yelp as the formerly still surface quaked madly. She backpedaled, nearly bumping Zachary in her haste and receiving a reassuring hand from the foot soldier on her shoulder as he watched wide-eyed (although to be fair his eyes were always wide - they just looked much wider in the lighting).

Washy rattled as the drum hesistantly wobbled, rotating one way than another as if testing the weight of the unspooled tape in itself. The drum rolled once, plastic clacking about and making Melissa wince at the sound. As the drum spun about slowly, the washing machine itself rattled faster and faster, until it seemed it was about to come apart. Everyone backed away as the casing began to show gaps, the creamy yellow panels violently bouncing about.

Faster, and faster, and faster-

Then-

WHOMP!

Washy tore itself from its spot with a tremendous crash of plastic and metal slamming against each other and sending wet dirt flying up. It made a short hop, and Melissa flinched when it came back down with another crunch of plastic. Yet, despite how much she expected the machine to fall apart into old cracked plastic the second it made impact, the washing machine thumped down, and then with a beep and a loud sucking noise began spitting water as it…bounced away down the hill.

What.

“I…is it supposed to be doing that?” Melissa squawked after a moment of gobsmacked silence.

“What, is Washy not supposed to do that?” Cleatus asked. He thought, then laughed as if a washing machine hadn’t just started walking off without any sort of water source connecting it to anything. “Eh! It’s just Washy, doing his thing! He’s probably just going on a walk to clear his head! He likes taking walks while he works!”

“B-but washing machines don’t have br- heads, they don’t have heads! It still doesn’t make sense!” Melissa gabbed.

“Maybe it smart washing machine?” Zachary suggested.

“Why are we still standing around like a bunch of mindless weeds?” Leslie snapped, recovering from his confusion the fastest and replacing his mind boggled gape with a grimace. The scientist jumped in front of the group, pointing to where Washy was slowly but surely hopping/dragging themselves down the campground slope. “We have a valuable asset on the move, and hostiles are incoming!”

“Hostiles?” Melissa asked. Leslie sighed and pointed just off over Washy’s top. When Melissa followed his finger, she gulped when she caught sight of the massive wave of familiarly green and yellow plant heads.

“Oh… ooohhh that’s a lot of weeds,” she mumbled.

Figures the racket would attract attention…of course….

Melissa could feel her stomach dropping at the simple yet clearly furious faces of Wildflowers waving about fisted buds jabbering, wide-eyed Dandelions bouncing about merrily and very distinctly smelling of gunpowder for some unholy reason, big headed green Weeds with their little flowers peeking out between the leaves of their head as they screeched and charged, wearing the contents of some poor ransacked gardening shed. They charged forward as one furious leafy mass, moving far faster than their bottom leaves seemed to bely and looking ready to peel apart the zombies standing about limb from limb.

She could feel herself about ready to scream and run, and she found herself looking over just to see if she was the only one about ready to get her borrowed zombie pants even dirtier than they already were. Yet, looking over at her rotting companions, they didn’t seem the least bit concerned. If anything, they were… excited .

“Just a bunch of weeds?” Zachary asked. The foot soldier scoffed, but then grinned maniacally with his few rotting teeth, bug-eyes glinting with not his childish excitement or thoughtfully curious self, but with violence . He tossed his gun expertly, the handle landing back in his hand with ease and ominously clicking as he smiled maniacally, “This’ll be easy brainz!”

Cleatus gave a confident grunt in response, the teary All Star suddenly nowhere to be seen as his chest lifted and shoulders became squared with cool determination. His minicannon was hefted to a ready position, already humming with restrained power in the direction of the swarming plants. 

Leslie was also looking over at the foot soldier, and at seeing his terrifyingly happy grin gave his own version of the same hellish smile. “Good attitude, Zach! Now, gameplan!”

The scientist whipped out one glove to the approaching plants. “Zachary, Cleatus, clear those plants then start patrolling! I don’t want to see one single leaf near that washing machine! Melissa, you stay near the washing machine, and you tear out any weeds that manage to squeeze by! I’ll hit and run, and tear apart any ambushes!”

“Yes, boss!” Zachary saluted, hardly staying around long enough for Leslie to finish his first command before he was already lurching away with pure excitement in his rotting eyes. His rocket fired, and in a heartbeat he had pounced amongst the plant swarm and already lobbing a grenade under his feet. In mere seconds the semi-organized charge that had been making a beeline to Washy and the group was suddenly engulfed in a violently purple cloud of smoke and in a hailstorm of bright yellow bullets streaking through the smoke like deadly bees.

Cleatus stuck about a bit longer to listen just a little longer, and simply gave a grunt and a nod with newfound determination glinting behind the metal grid of his helmet. He made in the same direction as Zachary going ham on the unfortunate plants, but rather than jumping with a rocket he leaned forward and HOLY FUDGE-!

Melissa wasn’t entirely sure if the fiery comet of red now barreling toward the plants with a gloriously loud bellow was just the red of Cleatus’ uniform blurring with the speed or actual red energy. What was sure was the meaty impact of him crashing straight into a weed squeezed into an overly large white and blue vase that was attempting to swing a stick at Zachary hopping and whooping as he blasted at plants. The porcelain fell apart the second he made impact, and while Cleatus hardly stumbled as he got up from his charge, football cannon already at the ready by his hip and rumbling, the unfortunate vase weed was sent flying, all the way to where a gaggle of more weeds was beginning to file in behind the first wave.

Leslie grinned and shook his head. “Ah, the shock troops. Always a sight to behold.”

The scientist paused a moment longer, and then glared at Melissa, who finally remembered to pick her jaw off the floor in time to catch the flinty stare of his magnified pupils. “Well, what are you waiting for buckethead? Go defend the washing machine!”

“O-okay! Yes sir!” The words were spilling out of Melissa’s mouth before she could register that she was saying them, and she quickly stumbled away. She did turn around one more time to catch Leslie pulling out a handy remote and pressing a large, bright red button.

Ziiiip!

Poof!

…Did he just flipping teleport?

As the quickly vanishing smoke and the sudden presence of Leslie twenty feet away in a mere second, Melissa’s question was very quickly answered. 

…Well fudge. I’m by myself in a literal warzone.

F u d g e.

Before the churning of her gut could make her faint Melissa grit her teeth and smacked her face. As tempting as it was to just tip over like a fainting goat, now was not the time to succumb to the very justified panic. She made herself turn around, doing her utmost best to forget about the way her legs were shaking as she did, and saw Washy slowly bouncing their way down the hilly slope. 

“Wait up!” Melissa jogged over beside the washing machine, skidding just shy of the fount of bubbles erupting from its front. She looked about nervously to check if any weeds were near. “So, uh, hi Washy! It looks like it’s going to be you and me for a little bit, while everyone else makes sure we don’t get covered in weeds. So, I don’t suppose you could…”

Washy was already bouncing away as she was speaking, spitting out soap and leaving behind a foamy trail of detergent and water. Melissa stared, then sighed. 

“Oh. Okay, fine. You’re going to keep…doing things that washers clearly should not be able to do but I guess I abandoned the concept of common sense when I agreed to come out here didn’t I?” She mumbled.

There was no use in complaining though when she could still hear the roaring of plant war cries, sound of weaponry firing and small explosions all about the campgrounds. At the very least Washy wasn’t particularly fast, so Melissa quickly drew alongside the appliance, cradling the hand weapon from Leslie with newfound appreciation for its semi-comforting weight and looking about as Washy continued along its merry and aimless path.

“...so, would you like to talk about anything?” Melissa ventured after a few minutes of nervously walking next to Washy. Apparently Leslie’s plan was going swimmingly considering that so far, Melissa had just been walking next to the washing machine and hadn’t seen leaf or stem of any plants aside from the occasion where there was the distinct sound of a rocket firing and she glanced over to see some hapless weed smoking and flying in the air above the roofs of the cabins and RVs. It didn’t change that she could still feel herself shaking like a leaf, but she did feel a bit safer to speak with the washing machine…if mostly to keep said terror at bay.

Washy, for obvious reasons, didn’t say anything back. However he did stop mere moments after, the flow of suds suddenly stopping. It shuddered, plastic rattling on its frame as Washy buzzed. For a moment she belatedly wondered if the washing machine was going to explode, but all it did was shudder in place and let out an uncannily dog-like whimper.

“...Huh?” Cautiously Melissa walked back in front of Washy. She squinted at the control panel, now blinking and making an electronic whine. “Something’s wrong, Washy’s stopped moving!”

That was when right from behind her, a new sound came.

“Yooo-dele-heeee-hooooo!”

She spun about and saw what had to be the world’s largest acorn, grinning at her and yodeling. Loudly. 

…What.

Said acorn seemed to smile even wider at her confusion, and it did a dainty spin while still yodeling at a volume that belied its tiny size. Melissa looked back at Washy, shuddering and pitifully squeaking, then back at the acorn that was still spinning about. Was it just her, or was Washy almost shrinking in on its cream yellow frame the louder the acorn yodeled?

“Why are you all not moving?” The gravelly bark of Leslie sounded, and the scientist zipped on top of a pile of suitcases precariously balanced on an RV, gun dripping freshly fired chemicals. The second the scientist saw the yodeling acorn, his terse frown developed into a scowl. “Oh Zomdangit, not these little weeds again!”

“Weeds - oh no!” Cleatus gasp as he rounded the corner. He hefted the cannon, brow furrowing in fury. “They plants don’t want to just stop Washy from rewinding the tape, they’re bullying him!”

The cannon roared to life, pelting the ground with explosive footballs all aimed at the acorn. Yet the bevel-shaped plant easily bounced out of the way with a high pitched cackle, voice pitching up even more and not just making Washy squeak but making Melissa’s ears hurt with how loud it was getting. Cleatus grunted, and shouted, “We have to stop the yodeling! Now!”

“On it!” 

From out of nowhere Zachary plummeted from the sky, uniform already caked in chlorophyll as he landed before the Acorn mid-spin. The acorn stopped just long enough to meep in terror as the barrel of the blaster went up-

PAPAPAPAPPAPAPAPAPAP!

The yodeling cut off a mere few seconds later as the Acorn collapsed lifelessly to the ground, peppered with terrifyingly on point barrage that left Zachary’s gun empty and smoking. Zachary grinned up, tossing aside an ammo cartridge to slam back in a new one. “Good job, you’d zay?”

“Ah, I forget how simply stupendous you are in the field Zachary,” Leslie sighed after a moment, face twisting into a small smile. “Excellent job.”

Melissa gave a half nod and also repeated, “Good job,” not quite able to commit to the answer as transfixed as she was by the dead acorn.

…Oh Dave…I just watched a plant get killed.

The body of the acorn was still rolling about in a circle, tiny bottom with leaves serving as the fulcrum for the wheel that was the disc of the head to rotate about it slowly. The acorn’s expression was frozen not so much in terror as in surprise, but it was more like looking into a mask than what was a plant that had mere moments ago been cockily striding about singing. Melissa swallowed a mouthful of bitter bile.

…I just watched a plant die before me. And I did nothing about it.

“Well, enough lollygagging,” Leslie muttered, before clearing his throat and barking, “Buckethead, stay sharp! We can’t always come back to babysit your rotting rear, use your weapon!”

Melissa nodded, but the zombies had already fled the area to resume the ongoing battle. Despite Leslie’s harsh order she couldn’t move her legs, not yet. There was a soft rattling as she tried to look away from the lifeless acorn now only beginning to slow in their roll, face slackening. Momentarily, she wondered if she should move the body out of the way so that Washy wouldn’t run into it and she could stop looking at it.

Before she could though, something else happened. There was a soft crackle, then before her eyes the body simply…vanished, dissolving into the dirt. 

A gasp rattled her throat. What the…?

It was like watching Zachary teleport to base, but far slower and in far more excruciating detail. It was hard to describe exactly what it was she watched, but if Melissa had to put words to it, it’d was like watching an eraser being scrubbed to bits until there was nothing left - little bits and pieces flaking away into faintly green and yellow motes of light as the physical body became as material as the breeze still rattling the trees of the forest, faster and faster until…nothing.

Melissa could feel her hands quaking, and she smashed them against her side as the last motes of light vanished.

Focus, girl, focus. You’re still in a war zone, and you have a washing machine to babysit.

Forcing her neck to comply Melissa turned back to see Washy no longer sputtering in distress but patiently bobbing, a tiny stream of soapy bubbles trailing down. She frowned, and muttered, “You say nothing about this, capiche?”

Washy said nothing back, but she could have sworn the washing machine had nodded back, plastic frame shifting to form a soft, sympathetic creak. Melissa walked back, legs and hands still wobbly, and she leaned against the machine. One hand lightly smacked the top.

“Alright, giddyup boy,” she muttered, and with a whir Washy resumed their wash cycle.

They continued about the campground, Washy moving at a slower pace as Melissa leaned against the washing machine with all her weight (or was the washing machine moving slower for her to keep up now?). Thankfully, the zombies were doing an absolutely terrific job of keeping plants away now - including even more yodeling acorns, for some accursed reason that thankfully also didn’t show up near Washy like the first. For a good while, maybe twenty or so minutes if Washy was like most other washing machines she’d used before, there were no plants in sight. 

The only things she had to do were walk beside Washy and click a button when he stopped to end the wash cycle and move into the Rinse, and then to Spin - all perfectly brain-dead activities that didn’t require any sort of mental energy. This time though, Melissa couldn’t come up with any dead-end conversations, tongue still feeling sour and leaden, and with only the accompaniment of loud explosions, gunfire, and uproarious battle cries mingling with battle-crazed laughter the relative peace was suffocating.

It was in the middle of the spin cycle and right by the bridge that trouble again happened.

“Yoooooode-le-de-le-de-le-heeeeeehoooooooooo!”

“AGAIN?” Leslie’s shriek of exasperation came from across the campground as the melodious (and aggravating) sounds of acorns rang through the air. “How many of you accursed acorns must come to ruin my schedule!”

Melissa suppressed a groan - the image of that lifeless Acorn was still embedded in her brain so she did not look forward to listening to those cheerfully robust yodels again - and she leaned on Washy as they came to a screeching halt. She gently patted the shivering machine. “Easy there. Just hang in tight, and my friend is going to make sure you don’t have to listen to those acorns any longer.”

Melissa wondered if she was somehow developing some sort of unhealthy attachment to this washing machine as Washy’s rattling settled. Looking across the gap and the wooden bridge, she sighed. 

Forming a social relationship with an appliance is better than dwelling on…that thing that just happened. Or other things. 

Well, so long as things continued to go as smoothly as they were, Melissa was sure everything would be fine, or as fine as they could be considering the zombies were probably busy committing war crimes.

Of course, the second she thought that was the moment everything went upside down.

“GAH! THEY HAS A SQUASH!” Zachary shouted. “FRONT BREAK, FRONT BREAK!”

A squash?

Immediately at the name an image of a large, grumpy green gourd like one of the plants that used to reside on her front lawn popped into Melissa’s head. However, last she remembered of her shaky memory of the Plants was that Squash’s, as tough as they were against anything besides a Gargantuar, usually were no taller than her hip. 

So why is Zach so spooked?

However, that was the least of her concerns as Cleatus shouted shortly after, chipper tone now strained. 

“Oh no, plants are rushing! I’m- GACK !”

Melissa shrieked when from above a camper the all-star, somehow gripping onto his football cannon through sheer raw will, was launched and careened straight for her. She ducked, covering her head in time for the zombie’s passage to merely ruffle her hair instead of crashing into her like a rotting cannonball. Cleatus rolled for several feet, football uniform cracking and shedding scraps of fabric, before he slammed into the side of the cliff.

“Holy-! Cleatus, are you okay?” Melissa shouted as she rushed over to the all-star. She crouched, realizing that she had no idea how to treat the zombie, but thankfully Cleatus looked up and gave a shaky thumbs up, other hand resting on his minigun which sat heavily in his lap.

“G-good…” He groaned. “‘Forgot…dummy not here to protect. Me just need tiny nap though… tiiiny nap…”

Can zombies get concussions? Melissa thought belatedly as Cleatus’s head lolled, eyes rolling as if optical nerves didn’t exist. She grimaced at the sight of his torn apart uniform, now stained with much more than tears and in desperate need of repair. At the very least though, it only looked like he got cut up if the thin, purple-oozing lines on his arms were any indication. She really hoped that was it, because if it was something more severe like broken arms/legs or Dave-forbid organ damage she would have no idea where to begin.

“Listen, I-I think I can patch you up a bit, I have a first-aid kit in here somewhere,” Melissa stammered, clumsily swinging her nearly-forgotten (and most definitely beat up by now) bag and shuffling through it with her non-gun hand. “How do you feel? C-can you see how many fingers I’m holding up?”

“Um…blenventy…twe- oh! Eight!”

Oh right, zombies are counting challenged, Melissa chided herself as she lowered her hand and finally fished out a first-aid kit. “Okay, let me see here…do I need to disinfect anything?”

“Aww, buckethead is nice,” Cleatus said as gave a gap-toothed smile to her before lightly pushing down the kit. “No needs though, just need to lie down. I’ve taken heavier hits before!”

“Are you sure? Here, let me just-” Melissa shuffled about the kit and pulled out a box of fabric bandaids. With only slightly shaking hands she took one out, and whilst haphazardly remembering to put the paper slips into the pocket of her bag to properly throw away later put a bandaid on one of the cuts on his arm. The fabric strip looked pitiful stretched out over but one purple cut among many on the zombie’s exposed arm, but as Cleatus watched he smiled a bit.

“Oh, so that’s what you use those for,” Cleatus wheezed, smiling even though his eyes were definitely spinning more than the already bugged out orbs were. “I thought it for taping helmets.”

“Zachary thought so too, until I told him it’s better to use duct tape instead,” Melissa huffed, smiling a little bit at the memory as she fished out another bandaid and repeated the process for another cut. “He really liked that new camo-print tape, and I had to restrain him from putting tape on himself!”

“If I put tape on my face would it fix my spinning?”

“Errr…no…”

“Would tape make those plants rapidly approaching us with malicious intent less stinky?”

“Uh, definitely not- wait, what plants are you-?”

Melissa had turned around to get another bandaid as she was spoking, and just as she did she was treated to the sight of a cluster of plants - not a particularly big group, but still far too many - now approaching and looking far too eager to beat something up. Her throat immediately dried up to the texture of sandpaper.

“Oh, plants can’t get taped…” Cleatus’s eyes finally refocused as he took in the same sight, and then he jolted. “They’re going to hurt Washy!”

Cleatus immediately made to rush to his feet, but he only managed to push himself an inch up before collapsing back on his rump, minigun rattling and sliding off his lap. Melissa jolted at the sound, and gasped,”Cleatus, be careful!”

“Gah, can’t…” Cleatus wheezed, grimacing in pain. “Meh…liss-ah, need to go! Protect Washy! NOW!”

Melissa hesitated, and then with a grimace Cleatus bellowed, “NOW!”

“O-okay!” Melissa squeaked, and her grip turned to a white-knuckled fist on the weapon as she spun about to take in the enemy.

Her stomach felt about ready to fall out and burrow into the ground to safety as she stared down her enemy, still about twenty feet away but quickly closing the distance. Melissa could feel her brain racing, and she ground her teeth in an attempt to control her nerves. As best she could, she assessed the situation.

Calm down, and focus. Break down what’s happening. What are we dealing with?

A quick survey of the six - six, just six, no need to panic Melissa - plants wasn’t overly impressive. Three were run of the mill green-headed weeds glaring with flinty eyes and little equipment to boast beyond their waving thorny hands. One was another weed with a pot on its head that looked slightly angrier than the other weeds (impressive that the weed tended to look perpetually furious) waving about a thin stick like a sword. The last two were more concerning, being a yellow headed Wildflower with its beady black eyes narrowed in determined focus and a bouncy, almost-cute white Dandelion who was practically skipping and looking too cheerful to be in a warzone.

Okay, cool. Just a couple of weak plant grunts, practically no sentience. Nothing to scream about, you can take care of this!

Her disc, wielding hand shook as she lifted the boxy gun, the weight now like lead on her wrist as she peered down the crude sight at the plants now closer. She sucked in a breath.

Leslie said this was easy to use, right? Just have to squeeze the trigger, and boom! Plants be gone! Just…easy peasy!

Melissa grimaced, hands wavering.

Easy-

Melissa yelped and squeezed the trigger on reflex when, with hardly a warning, the Wildflower used one of its yellow-bud hands to chuck an absolutely ginormous ball of pollen that whistled ominously through the air. Her thoughts dissipated to the wind as she wildly dove off to the side after squeezing off several wild shots, and she fell over in a pile of dusty dirt as the pollen ball landed mere moments later and exploded . 

KABLOOM!

SNICK SNICK SNICK!

Her nose itched as a massive burst of pollen and exploded dirt from the new crater in the ground, and Melissa sneezed as she shakily jumped to her feet. Clumsily getting her gun arm up again, she felt both a tiny bit of relief and even more terror at the new situation.

Melissa would admit that she had doubted the power of the bizarre, jumped up hybrid cassette/floppy disc player with an elaborate wrist strap that used actual floppy discs as ammunition (belatedly, she wondered who even had the idea for such a weird weapon in the first place). Yet she was pleasantly surprised by the work it had done. Despite her flailing, the discs had managed to at least make a home in two of the weeds. One had staggered and was now grimacing from a comically large disc mark imprinted on its face. The other had fallen over - the reason jutting out at a nasty angle in its stem - and the weed showed no signs of getting up. 

“Oh wow, that is a lot more effective than I expected,” Melissa mumbled, giving the Unkind Rewind on her wrist an morbidly appreciative look. “Who’d thought tapes could be lethal?”

Alas, while her wild shots had slimmed down the number of approaching plants, somehow the plants looked even more peeved and were now charging even faster. The wildflower in particular looked very irked at the sheer gall of the “buckethead” dodging their shot and with a loud trumpeting cry they jabbed one yellow pod forward. With sudden absurd speed, the dandelion skipping cheerfully beside bounced up and then bolted forward.

“Oh, come on!” Melissa forced herself to swallow her nerves, and attempt to recall what exactly dandelions were supposed to do in the few panicked seconds she had to perceive the threat. She knew that dandelions were one of the more recent additions to the plant army, coming after Melissa had her lawn cleared of any sentient plant life, but being around long enough to see them rarely flouncing alongside other wildflowers or among other swarms of weeds patrolling the empty street. She’d really only seen them in action once, and that was when the tiny fluffy headed weed had gone up to an unfortunate conehead and violently…exploding.

Ohhhh, yeah. 

Nope. 

Not interested in getting exploded.

Immediately she reoriented her weapon at the rapidly charging dandelion and the new biggest current threat, who gleefully smiled as it charged. It was undoubtedly adorable compared to its bulbous-headed, green counterparts, but never before had Melissa felt so much fear being approached by what she had once used to make wishes in her backyard. She squeezed the trigger, and now that her brain was slightly more focused with the rush of adrenaline coursing through her she could see the moment a disc was launched out at the dandelion to impact against it in a burst of tiny fluff.

Melissa was surprised at her accuracy - she supposed those company paintball outings did have some use besides getting some much needed revenge against annoying coworkers - but the dandelion was hardly bothered. She squeezed the trigger again, and again, and then finally the dandelion meeped and prematurely burst into a flurry of tufted seeds that dissipated into the wind. A pang of pity for the plant popped up in her, not quite as much as for the acorn but still enough to make Melissa grimace.

She didn’t have long to dwell on the discontent swelling in her though, as the four remaining swept forward right at her. One weed - the one that had a disc mark on its face still - pulled ahead of the rest. Its rather ugly face was eagerly grinning as it wound up what Melissa was realizing were not really the soft leafy buds like she’d seen on most plants, but instead small yet hefty and thorny clubs that swung through the air as the weed burst toward her and past a quaking Washy. Melissa yelped and jumped back, narrowly avoiding a thorn studded hand, and she rapidly shot at the weed as she frantically backpedaled.

Her aim was worse this time, a few shots harmlessly falling off into the sand as terror made her arm wander, but the proximity of the weed made it so the shots that did hit hit hard . It took more than the dandelion to take down, and by the time her clip clicked empty the weed had flopped over to the ground with a pained groan. Melissa was given even less time to recover now though as the last two weeds dashed forward, swinging about their own thorny club-hand pods at her.

Melissa frantically grasped behind her, then hissed in frustration when she felt nothing on her back.

Gah, of course!

Her bag was back by a groaning Cleatus, and of freaking course the few ammo packs she had were in fact still crammed in it and not moved to her pocket like they probably should have been. She grimaced, but Melissa spared herself her own whining to leap back into action. With the two weeds hot on her back Melissa wildly dove for the bag, belatedly catching a still dazed Cleatus giving a thumbs up before she slammed into the velcro.

Melissa wheezed as her chest impacted the shockingly hard bag (curse her overpacking), but she shoved herself onto her knees and flipped it over to catch the blessed sight of plastic squares glinting up at her. She clumsily yanked out one of the compressed ammo packs from the side pocket of her bag, spilling the other ammo packs onto the ground as she slammed it into the open slide deck of the gun and spinning onto her back just in time to see a weed swinging down at her.

SNICK SNICK SNICK!

A few frantic squeezes launched tapes squarely into the shocked gape of a weed before it tumbled stem over bulb with a pained cry, tiny bursts of shredded leaves filling the air. Another few shots just barely made their mark in the one that approached right as its brethren fell, but not quickly enough before the weed brought down a thorny bud. Out of instinct Melissa’s non-gun arm flew up, and the bud smashed into her elbow just short of her face.

“GYAAHH!”

Good Dave that hurt!

Her elbow stung right where the thorny bud had hit, and Melissa could feel something sharp and salty stinging in the edges of her eyes as her nerves screamed at her. It was like getting hit with a baseball, if the baseball had been covered in razors and nails and was being whipped about like a sling. She could feel something wet trickling down her elbow, something that she really didn’t want to think about.

Melissa bit back her whimper at the flashes of pain jolting through her arm as she pulled it down, and the pained cry transformed into a furious, desperate snarl as she jammed the Unkind Rewind right into the weed’s face. One point blank squeeze was enough to send a tape smashing straight into its ugly mug, and as the weed shrieked and collapsed Melissa pushed herself up to her feet.

“Go eat dirt, jackass,” Melissa hissed as the weed, just as the acorn had earlier, dissipated into motes of faint yellow light infinitely more wispy. Watching the lights this time lacked the same dread from before, and as the weed vanished from sight Melissa heaved a heavy sigh. 

Already getting used to narcing plants?

A harsh bark of a laugh escaped her, half-triumphant and half-delirious.

Good grief Melissa, how crazy have you become in the past few hours?

A creak snapped her from her brief stupor, and she looked up to see the wildflower snarling as it attempted to get a grip on Washy’s door. The washing machine shuddered and whined as leafy yellow pods scrabbled on the door, smearing pollen all over the glass and metal rim. Melissa growled. “Oh no, you don’t get to make this much trouble and get away with it!”

Before Melissa could retaliate and get the rather ugly feelings boiling up in her a rather violent escape, there was a loud bellow and then a blast of air that blasted by her. Cleatus, wielding his mini cannon once again and with his tattered uniform fluttering behind him, charged in a nimbus of what was most definitely red energy right at a now suitably terrified wildflower. The athletic zombie tackled the Wildflower, body slamming into the plant with all the force and fury of a runaway train. That was all it took for the plant to go flying off and limply crashing to the ground in a burst of sand and yellow dissipation.

“Cleatus? You’re okay?” Melissa asked.

Cleatus turned about and grinned, and Melissa had to fight to keep her mouth from dropping as the numerous cuts and bruises dotted on his body that she knew she’d just seen were simply gone. “I’m fine! Just needed quick lie down before I helped you protect Washy! Meh-liss-ah is okay too?”

“Uhh, yeah, mostly,” Melissa mumbled, blinking and crouching down to pick up the abandoned first aid kit by her feet. She cringed as she moved her arm, a flash of pain accompanying the sight of a messy patchwork of scratches slowly oozing red. “Definitely need to patch myself up though.”

Cleatus gave her a strange look, watching curiously as Melissa pulled out a roll of bandages and a gauze pad and antibacterial cream. “But you can just asks scary Top Zombie scientist for help though? He has healing hose?”

“Healing hose?” Melissa asked, before she shook her head. Probably some other weird zombie invention.

“It’s fine Cleatus, I’m used to patching myself up,” she smiled as she cleaned the cuts, pressing the pad of gauze over her elbow before she kneeled over, awkwardly pressing the gauze in place with her knee as she used both hands to begin wrapping her arm. “Had to do it before…once…and I don’t want to bother Leslie.”

“But maybe you need to get check-up?” Cleatus suggested. “Your arm look very messy, wrong color too.”

With her head bent over, Melissa cringed at the innocuous suggestion and then immediately after hoped the all star didn’t see her reaction. But now that the imminent threat of getting her head smacked off by angry plants was over with, there was something new driving her fear with those words.

The thought honestly hadn’t crossed her mind (the fact that Melissa could actually get hurt somehow hadn’t occurred to her either), but now that she had enough space in her brain to think on it a brick of ice suddenly formed in her gut at the sudden, severe oversight she had made.

Zombies have purple blood, don’t they? 

And I’m a person, so I’m bleeding red .

If Cleatus was able to see that I’m bleeding the wrong stuff, then-

Then I’d be a zombie buffet.  

Maybe Zachary had learned to control his appetite around Melissa, but regardless of how surprisingly polite and normal the zombies were she knew better. If they caught wind of her not actually being a weird buckethead but a squishy, edible human …

She was not going to put much stock on her chances to survive.

After a beat of panic and then another to compose herself Melissa looked up and just gave Cleatus a reassuring smile, hastily shoving back a new wave of dread. She squeaked out quickly, “It’s no biggie! Probably a trick of the light.”

Her gut clenched as Cleatus frowned a moment. After a terse moment of silence Cleatus just shrugged. “Okay then! Kinda weird, but okay!”

Melissa sighed in relief, nearly bowling over herself. “Okay…thanks for the understanding.”

Feeling marginally, though not much less terrified than before, with extra haste Melissa got the bandage suitably cover the mess of cuts, and with a bit more finagling she pulled out and haphazardly managed to tug out a length of medical tape with one hand to hold the dressings in place so that her other could finally let go.

Well, looks like at least horrible experiences let me use that health class from high school, Melissa thought grimly as she tucked everything back into place in the kit and then, with a grunt and (at least) duller jolt of pain from her freshly bandaged arm, got her backpack on. She looked back over to Cleatus looking at her inquisitively, now leaning on Washy with his cannon balanced on its butt.

“Never seen zombie fix themself like that without scientist or healing goop,” Cleatus confessed, peering at Melissa’s bandages with curiosity. “What you call that cottony square thingy under those bandage stuff?”

“It’s just a pack of gauze, kinda like cotton but to make sure wounds don’t get infected,” Melissa explained. “What, you don’t use the stuff?”

Cleatus made a so-so gesture. “Nah, we just need band aid and healing goop to get all fixed up! Zomboss make sure to give elite zombies …what was it called? Oh! ‘Healing factor”. We can stick stuff back together easy peasy!”

Well, I guess that explains how he somehow no longer has any cuts, Melissa pondered.

Cleatus continued cheerfully, “I think you are a silly buckethead to forget that, but still! Thank you for band-aids! They look very cool!”

To emphasize Cleatus flexed to show off the bandaids still clinging to his bicep, and Melissa couldn’t suppress the tiny grin on her face as Cleatus goofily smiled back at her. 

“I’ll…make sure to keep that in mind next time. Thanks Cleatus,” she smiled wanly.

The moment was interrupted by a now familiar zap and puff of smoke as Leslie teleported within sight, looking quite pleased with himself and busily shaking off greenish pulp from the end of his shotgun. The zombie scientist flicked away more pulp clinging to his robotic claw headband and making his already messy hair even messier, and sighed,“Ah, there you are Cleatus! Wasn’t sure where you’d gone off to when the squash sent you flying. And I see that Melissa is…ah.”

Leslie gave the disguised human a surprisingly concerned frown as he took in the massive bandage taking up Melissa’s arm. “Are you…quite alright?”

“Yes! Just had to patch myself up after getting rid of some plants,” Melissa replied. “Nothing to worry about though, just a scratch!”

“Oh, well, you know that I-” Leslie’s confused inquiry was cut off as Zachary, skidding right by his companion on foot and also covered in much more green pulp. He wasn’t the slightest bit bothered by the gloop sliding off him with gross impacts on the floor, and even if he was noticeably slumping a bit more than usual he still beamed energetically.

“Hi again Meh-liss-ah! We blew up a squash and defeated all the stinky plants! How are you- huh?” The foot soldier had been smiling and excitedly gesticulating with his blaster, flinging about bits of what Melissa could only presume were the insides of a squash (gross). The moment his eyes landed on the bandages his smile fell. “Wait, did you gets-”

“I’m fine! Just had to fight off some weeds, and got smacked. But I’m okay now!” Melissa quickly said. 

Leslie hummed. “Like I was saying, you know you don’t need bandages right? I have a- well, not a healing hose, my model is a bit different, but I do have a heal station and heal beam both on hand.”

In demonstration the scientist lifted up a peculiar little device that was vaguely reminiscent of the teleport remote Melissa had seen him pull out before, but now with a compact bulb of purple on the back and a bizarre tube jutting out the top. With a simple click, a translucent purple beam manifested, trailing like a misty snake from the end of the remote right over to Zachary. The foot soldier sighed in relief as it made contact, and straightened, perking up as if he’d just drunk a pot of coffee. 

“See? No need for bandages, especially if it's just weeds you had to fight,” Leslie said primly as he disconnected the beam, leaving Zachary to bounce on his feet with renewed energy. “Just a few seconds and then-”

“No no, seriously! I’m alright!” Melissa blurted. “I wouldn’t want you wasting stuff over a minor cut!”

Zachary looked about ready to protest the latter, but a harsh glare had the foot soldier pause. Thankfully, after a moment of thought the foot soldier stiffened, making a silent oh of realization. Unfortunately, ignorant to his companion’s panic, Leslie just raised a brow looking very confused…and very suspicious. 

Oh, fudge.

“As much as I appreciate you completing the menial task of watching the washing machine,” Leslie drawled, shooting a glance over at the strangely quiet Washy, “I would rather keep everyone in top shape. Even if you are only a buckethead, better to have everyone ready to fight than not.” 

“Erm…uh…” Melissa stammered. She suddenly couldn’t take her eyes off the squinting scientist zombie, and out of the corner of her eyes she could see dawning terror in Zachary’s own eyes.

Leslie rolled his eyes and approached in several heart stopping steps. “Look, I have plenty of healing goop to heal you up, if you could just-”

“I’m allergic to healing goop!” 

“...”

“...”

“...Are you serious?” Leslie asked after a beat of disbelief. 

Melissa sweated, then meekly said, “Yes. Very much yes.”

The scientist squinted at her, gears churning in his head. Melissa sweatdropped even more. 

I’m dead. I’m so exponentially dead it’s not even funny.

She flinched when Leslie then jolted up, snapping his fingers and exclaiming, “Ah! A theory!” He squinted at her, and continued, “I suppose this is something I should have asked earlier, but might as well ask now…”

Oh no oh no oh no.

“Are you…one of the first generation zombies?”

…

Huh?

“...Yes?” Melissa said slowly, off guard and not entirely.

“Huh,” Leslie said after a few beats. Melissa’s heart skipped more beats as Leslie pondered longer, scrutinizing her with brow furrowed in deep thought. Then, thankfully, finally, he relaxed, looking satisfied. To Melissa’s relief, the scientist said, “Well, I suppose that does explain how a browncoat like you is smart! And your allergy!”
“Really? Melissa squeaked.

Leslie chuckled. “I mean, to be fair I haven’t really seen many who survived since that long ago year, but there are some zombies from Zomboss’s first endeavor into neighborhood domination that have stuck around! Not in many numbers since, well, it was the great doctor’s first foray into practical thanatology and most of you all aren’t very…well, durable.”

“Really?” Melissa squeaked again. “I-I didn’t know that.”

“Yes. Compared to newer generations of zombies you all are quite flimsy, an issue hampered with your little healing goop allergy,” Leslie mused. “...I suppose I should be a bit honored to actually meet someone from that long ago.”

He then heaved a sigh. “Well, at least now we have that bit of confusion out of the way. At least I can factor you better into the current plan. Speaking of which…Cleatus? What are you even doing ?”

The group turned to find that while Melissa had been covering her butt, the All Star had wandered over to Washy to crouch down and softly murmur something to the appliance. Feeling their stares, Cleatus looked up and grinned. “Just giving Washy some encouragement! He almost done, he just needs to finish…now!”

Washy suddenly rumbled ominously, more and more than ever before. Spitting out suds and whirring like a dervish, the washing machine rattled faster and faster and faster, uncannily reminding Melissa of a rocket ship. Cleatus walked backward to join them, smiling excitedly and cheering, “You can do it Washy, I know you can!”

Cleatus looked at the group. “Give Washy encouragement! Boost his confidence!”

Everyone exchanged an incredulous look, but after a beat Zachary piped up, “Go Washy! Defy laws of physics!”

“Woohoo, go Washy,” Leslie said, much less enthusiastically.

Lastly, with an energy she didn’t realize she had (was she actually feeling attached to the washing machine now?) Melissa yelled, “You rewind that sucker! Go! Go! GO!”

There was a sigh of metal, a great groaning of plastic tensing, and then-

BOOM! 

SPLOOSH!

In a massive burst of bubbles Washy exploded up into the air just like a rocket. With a comical whirring Washy spun through the air above their heads, leaking water down on their heads. Craning their necks, they followed the intrepid washing machine’s flight path as the yellow bubbling machine soared in a perfect arc, all the way over the campground and then-

“Oh no, don’t tell me it's landing in the swamp ,” Leslie groaned as he looked over to where the washing machine vanished over the tops of the cabins and RVs.

There was a distant splash. 

“...Of course the blasted washing machine had to catapult itself right into Dreadroot territory. Of course ,” Leslie hissed, eye twitching.

“Dreadroots…?” Melissa asked, sharing a confused look with Zachary.

“You know, the Dreadroots that linger in the lower parts…you know what? Lets not dawdle any longer than we have to!” Leslie commanded, voice once again turning firm with just a hint of irritation. “We have a mission to finish, and we’ve already wasted too much time yakking about. Let's go!”

“Okay boss!” Cleatus saluted. Zachary gave his own salute, but as Leslie and Cleatus made to quickly begin dashing off in the direction of Washy he stumbled forward and gently grasped Melissa’s arm. The foot soldier squinted at the bandage, frowning as he ran a finger over the fabric and prompting a twitch of pain from her arm. The zombie flinched and immediately drew back.

“...Meh-liss-ah got hurt…”

“Zachary, it’s alright. It was just some scratches,” Melissa said soothingly, letting her fear dissipate to give the zombie a gentle smile. “It’s going to make a nasty bruise, but it’s nothing to stress over.”

Zachary frowned harder, grip on his blaster tightening. “But I said that I would protect you though! But now…”

The zombie glanced at her bandaged arm again, and at the guilt in his eyes Melissa’s smile fell. She put an arm on his shoulder, and said soothingly, “You did amazing. It was only because you had to fight…whatever that Squash thing was that I had to fight some plants, and I did well!” She lifted the Unkind Rewind for emphasis. “I’d say I did pretty well!”

Zachary still looked discontent, and she sighed, smile falling. “I’ll be okay, Zach. Let's just stick together, alright? We have to find Washy and pick up the tape before Leslie has a hernia or something.”

Zachary snorted a bit in humor, slightly lightening the shadow in his eyes. A tiny grin formed. 

“O-K. I stay with you.”

The zombie made to stand beside her, and with a ginger push from Zachary on her back the two began walking after Leslie and Cleatus. Melissa could feel Zachary pressed up against her uninjured arm, protectively squeezing a hand around the elbow as he gripped his own weapon ever tighter, but the two were able to make good progress as they picked across the battle-blasted campground. Her arm still stung intermittently, undoubtedly staining the gauze with a slow bleed as it swung back and forth, but Melissa couldn’t help but feel just a bit warmer with Zachary hovering nearby.

By the time they reached the end of the campground and reached the treeline and yet another cracked road, Cleatus was peering over the edge as Leslie impatiently tapped his foot. The scientist perked up at their approach, and exclaimed, “Oh finally! You’re here!”

“Yes! Just want to talk with Meh-liss-ah quickly!” Zachary called back.

“Well, at least you didn’t take too long,” Leslie mumbled to himself, giving a cursory but inquisitive glance at where Zachary was holding onto Melissa’s arm. He raised an eyebrow once more, but thankfully didn’t comment on it. He pointed down over the crumbling road edge instead. “Good news, that blasted washing machine is in sight. Bad news, it is in the swamp.”

“There’s a swamp?” Melissa asked as she and Zachary approached. Peering over the aforementioned edge, her nose wrinkled at the moist stench of decaying leaves and fetid water. “Oh…that is definitely a swamp.”

Before them, peppered with gigantic pine trees jutting into the sky and islands of broken road, the largest expanse of static water was laid out before them. It stretched out like an exceptionally gross moat, dividing the section of concrete they were on from another intact stretch that felt almost hundreds of miles away. There were yet more strange bubblings of water and what Melissa hoped was just algae bursting and releasing more stench into the air, more than the standing water before the Z-Tech factory entrance, and Melissa could feel her hackles rising at the oddly empty sight.

“It’s quiet…too quiet,” Zachary muttered, pressing himself against Melissa and slightly pushing her back from the edge.

“Yes, very quiet,” Cleatus assented, before perking up. “Oh! Washy’s done!”

Following Cleatus’ line of sight, Melissa could now finally see Washy slightly slumped over in a patch of soggy swamp water/dirt but still miraculously intact. The machine was still leaking suds, but before their eyes Washy’s front loading door slowly began to open. Melissa could feel her mouth curve into an excited smile at the sight of the tape, obscured by soap but still visible enough for her to see that the cassette no longer was spilling spools of black tape. It shone as if it were brand new, and she couldn’t help the squeak of relief that escaped her at the sight.

“Well, what do you know? The washing machine did rewind the tape,” Leslie said. He looked down at Cleatus, giving the All Star a look of relief and just a hint of pleasant surprise that Melissa shared. “I will confess it, I thought you were absolutely daffy at first but kudos to you! This worked out shockingly well!”

“D’awww, thanks!” Cleatus beamed, standing up and dusting off his ratty sports shorts. “Well, now we can-”

“Wait!” Zachary blurted out. Everyone froze and turned to look at the foot soldier standing stiffly. 

He frowned, eyes wide and nostrils twitching for several moments. Slowly, he drawled out, “Don’t you smells that? Smell of sap and…sunshine?”

“...sunshine?” Melissa murmured, a pit opening up in her stomach.
The ground suddenly rumbled, swamp bubbling like a pot of boiling water. Melissa squeaked and out of instinct glomped onto Zachary as she stumbled. Zachary, who normally would’ve been beaming and glomping her right back, just clung to her protectively as he switched his gun to his other hand and he glared at the roiling swamp water. Leslie yelped as he stumbled back at the tremors, and Cleatus stayed steady as he looked to the stirring swamp with big eyes.

“Oh no, don’t tell me-”

SWOOSH! KRRAAAACK!

A massive abomination of a plant came bursting from the water, shooting straight through Washy with a crash of breaking plastic. A horrified cry came from Melissa at seeing pieces of yellow plastic go flying through the air to land with pitiful splats in swamp water, but she couldn’t help but focus more on the giant woody thing glaring at the zombies with baleful yellow eyes.

The monstrous plant before them was a wrinkly, thick woody root that loomed at least ten feet above the surface of the water, a moldy brown covered in the off-green of swamp algae and dripping with dark water. It was as thick as a normal tree all around, tapering off to a thickly curled tip that was still as thick as Melissa’s own fist. The root tip poked out of a ring-shaped cap of green wood curving out the top in an almost flower-like pattern, lined with whorls of wood. Above a scowling, lined mouth dripping with fresh swamp water was but one single eyes, a vivid sickly green and glowing as the thing glared. And of course, topping it all off, the tip of the root curled about the cassette tape.

“ Dreadroot ,” Leslie hissed, fingers curling about the grip of his shotgun. “Of course .”

After a moment of surveying them the Dreadroot growled, its singular eye glowing even brighter with luminescent golden as it reared back. Melissa had no idea what it was doing, but the pit in her stomach screamed that it was going to be very much bad . 

Before it could finish doing what it was doing though, there was an awful, pained bellow and a familiar blast of air and red energy.

“ YOU! KILLED! WASHY! ” 

Cleatus howled wordlessly as he sprinted forward, charging straight off the edge of the road and right into the Dreadroot. The plant wheezed at the impact, sliding back in the swampy muck with a wet sound and the bright light building in its eyes dissipating into wispy yellow motes. Unlike the other times he’d charged, Cleatus didn’t settle for merely bouncing off the Dreadroot. With both hands he grabbed onto the plant and with a furious cry rammed his helmet straight into its eye.

The Dreadroot roared , sending more tremors across the swamp, and with the heralding call more cries of weeds answered back. Leslie hissed something very unkind under his breath at the battlecries, and he spun back to jab at Zachary. “Both of you provide cover fire and keep those weeds off our back! I and Cleatus will take down the rooty pest .”

Zachary wholeheartedly nodded, and with a ginger motion for Melissa to stand behind him he leveled his blaster to where, across the swampy water the bulbous heads and skinny stems of weeds began to swarm. Melissa leveled the Unkind Rewind on her arm, shrugging off Zachary’s grip but putting a hand on his shoulder instead. Zachary glanced over with a quick smile, but quickly resumed glaring at the mass of plants making their way about islands and towers of dirt and concrete to the Dreadroot thrashing and attempting to shake off a furiously clawing Cleatus, minigun slung on his back but hardly hampering his attempts to dig his fingers into the plant’s cycloptic eye.

“Let’s get this finished,” Leslie growled, and with a flash of a bright red button and a puff of lilac smoke the scientist was blurring into the swamp. The moment his loafers made contact with the water he was already on the move and strafing about the Dreadroot, pumping deafening bursts of violet ooze that clung to the woody skin and making it crack. As Leslie started his assault, so did Zachary, the foot soldier standing atop the broken road and peppering the weedy masses with yellow pellets firing at lightning speed. 

Melissa followed his lead, more slowly firing her weapon as she aimed at some of the closer weeds. It quickly became clear that the Unkind Rewind didn’t have nearly as much range or firing speed as Zachary’s blaster, but from the relative safety of Zachary’s side Melissa still had to do something lest she just stand like a slack jawed idiot watching the ensuing brawl.

For his wiry frame Cleatus definitely seemed to be just as strong as Zachary, if not even stronger. As Melissa took potshots at the bulbous heads of weeds (and derived a bit of petty pleasure from watching them tumble over), she glanced to see Cleatus clambering about the Dreadroot like a spider, tearing out fistfuls of bark and chomping down with his teeth on anything even slightly soft-looking. Any weak spot that Cleatus made Leslie attacked with no mercy, unloading massive bursts of goo that hissed and left burn marks on the exposed wood. It was as if they’d been practicing this exact scenario for years, simply falling into a pattern of tearing open weak spots, peppering it with corrosive ooze, and then moving to the next and the next.

Zachary himself was focused entirely on gunning down the onslaught of weeds and wildflowers pouring in from across the swamp. With more focus than Melissa had ever seen from him he took out the advance from the rowdy weeds, completely ignoring the onslaught of launched pollen balls soaring about them like deranged puffy dodgeballs. Only a few made contact, bursting into yellow clouds about his feet and covering his uniform in pollen, but Zachary carried on as if they weren’t even there. Melissa could feel his body tense, and she could tell he was slightly shifting just enough to shield Melissa from the onslaught. 

She couldn’t wholly tell if the watering in her eyes was from the allergy cloud forming about them or the choked feeling in her throat.

In less than a minute the Dreadroot was covered in scars and chemical burns. The longer the fight went on, the more frantically the Dreadroot swung itself about in an attempt to shake off the all star, slamming into tree trunks and concrete and hardly eliciting. Several times it had attempted to dive under to the swampy water where it had first emerged, but Leslie had predicted its every motion by hurling down strange, purple shaped grenades that bobbed in the water. At first Melissa had thought he’d been throwing some sort of healing orb, but she was quickly disproven as every time the Dreadroot had sucked in a breath and begun to lower, the orbs swelled and then burst into electric coronas that made the root bellow and resume its original height.

Finally, the Dreadroot sucked up one angry breath, and then for the second time its eye began to glow, even brighter and more quickly than before. He was not looking at anything in particular, pupils dilated and unfocused, but Melissa could feel her heart skip a beat as the Dreadroot swung about to glare at the most obvious targets - Zachary and her. Cleatus, who’d looked about ready to punch him right in his eye, quickly scrabbled around his head with a shout of, “DUCK!”

Zachary paused, distracted from his firing just in time for him to stare wide eyed at the glowing iris of the Dreadroot, but it was Melissa who in a flash of instinct grabbed the back of his collar and yanked both of them over. In a motion that her bandaged arm did not appreciate in the slightest, they both slammed right onto the floor staring up - just in time for a blast of iridescent light and pure heat to sear right where they had been.

Melissa had closed her eyes, and she was happy she did as the back of her lids glowed a vivid red. There was the smell of burning, the fading of the light against her eyelids, and then slowly Melissa opened her eyes. 

“Holy fudge,” she breathed, eyes stinging from how hard she’d pressed them closed. “Zach, are you okay?”

“...eyes are full of burning,” Zachary groaned after a couple of minutes. A quick glance showed him blinking straight up, blood vessels suddenly much more prominent. “Does anyone has eyedrops?”

“Sorry Zach, don’t have any,” Melissa wheezed, suddenly feeling horrifically out of breath. “Are you okay?”

“Me can still see. Are you okay?”

“Vaguely.”

Slowly, they pushed themselves up, and looked at each other in dead silence. Zachary’s eyes were indeed looking extra bloodshot and extra dilated, eyes drifting off to opposite ends. Melissa’s own eyes felt sore, and she blinked extra slowly. After a beat to just stare at each other, they slowly turned about to look back out to the swamp.

Melissa half-expected to see the Dreadroot ready to blast them again, but instead they were treated to the glorious sight of Cleatus swinging back an arm before smashing it into the plant’s accursed eye. With one last pained scream the Dreadroot collapsed, wooden lids closing about a deformed orb. Cleatus hardly stayed on long enough to let himself get crushed, callously snatching up the cassette tape from the loosening top root before jumping off.

The deafening splash of the limp root hitting mud was like hitting a switch, and just as quickly as they had filtered in the weeds immediately retreated, babbling incoherently as they vanished into the swampy wastes. Melissa stood still, watching until there wasn’t a hint of a leaf before heaving a sigh.

“Oh thank fudge it’s over.” Melissa wheezed. Zachary bobbed his head in agreement.

“You isn’t hurt?”

“No, I’m not hurt any more. Thank you for asking,” Melissa smiled, prompting a softer smile as the tension in the foot soldier released. 

“Cleatus, are you okay?” Melissa looked over to Cleatus, who was still standing stiff as a board and staring now at the limp Dreadroot. He didn’t answer but kneeled slowly, scooping up something from the water. As he stood back up, Melissa saw the shard of creamy, broken yellow plastic resting in his palm. Melissa’s chest tightened. “Oh…oh Cleatus, I’m so sorry we couldn’t…”

“...It okay,” Cleatus filled in her trailing silence. He looked back, a shaky smile plastered on even though his eyes were watering once more. “You got tape fixed, and Washy got to do what he love. I…I think he in a happy place now.”

Zachary tentatively stepped up beside Melissa, glancing at her frown before looking to Cleatus. “Maybe we can…hold funeral?”

Cleatus smiled a bit more genuinely at that. He spoke again, voice choked but grateful.

“M-maybe…maybe…would be nice…”

After a beat Cleatus turned to Leslie who seemed itching to say something, but pressed his mouth closed at the sudden look from the All Star. 

“You says you going to fight and take down Dreadwood?”

After a beat, Leslie responded, “Yes, it is integral to get rid of this invasive plant considering how much its hindered operations.”

Cleatus sucked in a breath. His hand clenched around the broken bit of Washy.

“You three go fight Dreadwood…and destroy him,” Cleatus growled. “Make sure he never hurt anyone again. Not Dummy, not Washy, not even zombie in factory. Do you understand?”

Leslie watched the All Star carefully, then nodded. “Of course, soldier.”

Cleatus gave a firm nod. He stepped over to Leslie, pausing to fire a kick at the slumped body of the Dreadroot. The zombie scientist didn’t resist when Cleatus pulled out one of his hands and he pressed the cassette tape into the palm, shiny purple plastic nearly iridescent in the sunbeams shedding through the leaves of the pines.

 “If you needs anything…anything at all. You know where to find me,” Cleatus said somberly. He sighed, then with a shakier voice, “I just…want to be alone. For a bit.”

There was silence, then Leslie simply gave a nod before pulling out his teleporter and whizzing back up to the cliff where Melissa and Zachary stood in shell shocked silence. The scientist looked back down the Cleatus, who had returned his gaze to the singular piece of chipped plastic in his palm.

“We should…let him have his space,” Leslie said after a moment.

Leslie began to leave, but Zachary and Melissa lingered another moment.

“Do you think he will be okay?” Zachary asked, voice soft and hesitant as they stared at the silent All Star looking out over the swamp, beside the slowly dissolving Dreadroot. Melissa thought for a moment.

~Is she alright?~

~Of course not! Don’t you see her leaking out? Go call for the doctor?~

~...Where is she?~

~Ma’am, if you could please sit down-~

~I need to see her…I need to…~

~...Please…I want to see her…~

~...just…leave…me…alone…~

Melissa watched Cleatus for another moment, and she noticed the worried glance Zachary gave as she heaved a heavy, wet breath. 

After a long moment to compose herself and shed the whispering memory in her head, Melissa turned to Zachary and said with full sincerity, “We don’t know…but we can check on him later. Okay?”

A beat, then Zachary nodded, a strange frown on his face. 

“Okie, Meh-lissa.”

They walked, and left Cleatus to his mourning.

Chapter Text

Hello! It's been a while! 

After so long, it only feels right to be straightforward and give an update on how things are looking for this story.

Right off the bat: Your Friendly Neighborhood Zombie is NOT being abandoned! It has been some time since I've made significant progress, but I still have every intention of completing the story. I have always had a roadmap for how this and any future stories would go, and I still hope to be able to see those plans come to fruition.

The thing about writing for fun... is that getting the time and motivation to put the words on the page doesn't always come nearly as often as I like it to. And with my other primary series and requests that I chose to pile on myself, and college in general, budgeting my time between developing each one means that some are left to sit in the WIP pile for a while. Unfortunately, YFNZ has been one of those stories :'(

However, there is good news! I am getting close to completing requests for my other series, and my mindset has thankfully gotten a well-needed brain-dump after the end of last year. My writing flow comes and goes, and I'm hoping that I keep a good flow state going to gradually begin working toward getting this series dusted off and back on its feet. I cannot guarantee anything yet, but I have high hopes for the future.

PvZ is still one of my favorite nostalgia series, and is one that I hope to commemorate with this goofy fanfiction of mine. I just wanted to be upfront about what's been going on, and make sure anyone who's stuck around for this funky little series of mine all aren't left hanging.

Thank you for everyone who's stuck around. I know it's probably a little corny and I might be spouting the same thing over and over again, but I truly mean it.

As one last little gift for anyone curious what I do currently have simmering on the back burner, here is a quick excerpt--as a bit of an apology for all the waiting.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Leslie? Something wrong?” Zachary asked, cocking his head in puzzlement. “I thought you’d be happy to hear new plan to get closer to stop Dreadwood?”

“It has nothing to do with you two…” Leslie muttered, nursing his face in his hands before letting them fall off. “It’s just…the imp? Really? That insufferable little brat ?”

“I mean, I don’t know if they’re insufferable, but they are terrifying,” Melissa mumbled, before clearing her throat and continuing, “But they did try to help me and Zach when we were coming to help you. And we don’t really know anything else so… it’s worth a shot!”

Leslie pouted. “But…but…”

Zachary raised an eyebrow at his friend. “Leslie?”

The scientist hunched his head over, and Melissa could just barely hear him arguing with himself. Finally, with a massive grimace, he sucked in a breath before expelling it in an excessively loud groan of despair.

“Very well then, looks like we have no choice but to-”

…

“-Ask me for help? HA!”

Izzy sneered up at them - well, more accurately, at a Leslie struggling to not point his goo shotgun at the imp while Melissa and Zachary awkwardly stood off to the sides.

“I mean, I guess it is kinda nice to see you are still alive!” Izzy smirked as she continued, matching Leslie eye for eye even as the imp craned her neck to look up at the scientist. “Thought you would have already exploded with all that snootiness pent up in you!”

If the glares Leslie had been giving the Dummy cult were murderous, the cold fury emanating from the scientist now could have iced over the entire forest Dreadwood be damned. Between gritted, missing teeth Leslie hissed out, “Lovely to see you lively as usual… Izzy .”

“...So, am I missing something here, or what?” Melissa side-whispered to Zach as they were left bystanders to this sudden standoff. “I’m still not sure what is going on with these two.”

The foot soldier shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe imp took brainz from Leslie once?”

“You two don’t know? Did Zomboss already take the incident off the boards?” Izzy asked, breaking off her smug stare to curiously cock her head at the duo. 

“I mean…I never knew you until I see you today, and I see lots of Zomboss speeching and cool adver…advar…Zomboss announzements and boards!” Zachary said, stumbling over his words as he attempted to clarify himself. “I’m sure I remember face and maybe name if I saw it before. I remembers exactly sixty percent of names!”

For someone who apparently got in trouble with who was apparently quite the strict boss, Melissa would’ve thought the imp would’ve been relieved if anything to know that they were not banned or whatever it was she was stranded out here for. Instead, she actually looked disappointed .

“D’aw, they already fixed that giant crater too?” Izzy pouted. “But that was my best work yet!”

“Maybe for you ,” Leslie groused, eyelid twitching. “Do you know how long it took to patch up that neighborhood, and the house converter? How many fires we had to put out? All the group therapy sessions we had to fund?”

“And I was also the one who whooped the collective butts of ten Giga Torchwoods and stopped the entire plant offense dead in their tracks!” Izzy cut in. “I was the one who saved the day on the fronts, and you know that!”

“Well, we can’t exactly give a medal to the same imp that tore apart multiple Zombot ground troopers to make a superbomb!” Leslie threw up his hands.

“So you all settled for kicking the single best Z-Mech pilot in the entire army off into probation,” Izzy snorted. “Really smart move brainiac! Real smart.”

She glared at Leslie for a few more moments, then giggled and smiled cheerfully. “But hey, this ‘cool down’ session in the middle of nowhere really has been therapeutic! I’ve really gotten time to reflect, pursue my passion for camping, experiment with varying fire-starting techniques…all in all, I’m still living my best unlife! Making the best of it, you know?”

Leslie sputtered a few more moments, clearly itching to snap back with an even harsher retort. The zombie scientist took in the imp’s smug face, wordlessly challenging Leslie, say-something-I-dare-you . Leslie simply growled, “How… wonderful for you.”

“Yeah, okay, pushing past that,” Melissa quickly stepped in before Leslie could continue his meltdown over the tiny zombie. “Izzy, do you have any stickers we could use? They’re the last thing we need to fix a boombox to take down Dreadwood.”

“Oh, so the cult did send you out on that crazy quest?” Izzy asked.

“Well, we volunteered for it so we wouldn’t have to wait however many years for them to let Leslie out of the cage,” Melissa admitted.

“Pfft, if you ask me he needs a few years in a small cell. Might help with that ego of his,” Izzy snorted, earning herself another acrid glare from the zombie scientist.

“ Anyways , like I was saying, do you have any stickers we could use?” Melissa asked imploringly. “We’re not sure who else in these woods could have anything like that, and you were the only thing we could think of.”

“Well, you thought right!” Izzy grinned, her smile turning a bit more genuine. “Recently, I was making patches and dropped some into this big sticky puddle of sap. Now the backs are all super sticky and I don’t want to put them on my clothes, but I imagine they’d work great for a boombox! Better than any cheap paper sticker out there, for sure!”

“Oh, cool! Can we has?” Zachary added. He paused, then hastily added, “Pretty please?”

“Mmmmmm… lemme think…” Izzy looked at an earnestly smiling Zachary, then to Melissa, then to a still scowling Leslie. She hummed, then shook her head. “Nah.”

“Wh-what?” Zachary spluttered. “But why? We didn’t do anything to you? … Did we?”

“Oh no, soldier boy. You’re all good!” Izzy clarified. “And you’re cool in my books as well, buckethead! But Mr. Grumpypants over there? I’ve still got some beef with you…”

Leslie growled. “Izzy. Don’t. Make. This. Difficult .”

The imp rolled her eyes. “Me? Difficult? I have no idea what you could be talking about!”

“Of course you wouldn’t. Whenever you do something, you just never take responsibility for it!”

“Well, maybe I’d be more willing to be ‘responsible’ if someone will get their head out their rump!”

“Wh- you little scum I’m the Top Zombie that makes sure the gadgets for the whole army, including formerly you , can do their job! I’m the most responsible zombie out in this forest… barring Zachary you’re an exception.”

“Woooow, you pour chemicals and poke big robots with big metal sticks to make them go beep boop. That’s soooo important.”

“I don’t just poke robots, my job requires finesse and- you know what? Why am I even arguing with you ?” With a snarl Leslie snapped out his shotgun and pressed it right up against Izzy’s head. “If you don’t help us right now, then I swear I’m going to send you to the infinity plane and make sure no one ever finds you!"

Leslie sneered with all of his remaining teeth, "And trust me… I most certainly have the authority to make sure it happens .”

Chapter Text

Leslie was waiting impatiently for Melissa and Zachary back on the other side of the Z-Tech factory gap, staring at the building with full intent to burn it down only through the sheer fury of his anger. The walk after the scientist had been laden with a terse silence as Melissa stewed in memories that she just barely suppressed to put on a wavering smile as they approached the irate zombie. Even as terrifying as the scientist’s glower was as he turned back to them, Melissa welcomed an interloper in the wake of the uncomfortable exchange that had occurred with the grieving Cleatus, and then with Zachary.

“So, wha’ happened? I thought tape is fixed?” Zachary asked, his pensive expression thankfully now back to normal as he forgot about the exchange (at least, Melissa hoped he forgot).

Leslie growled. “It is. But of all the idiotic things that buffoon Tim refused to let me place the tape in the boombox and get it repaired because…”

“Because what?” 

“...Because we don’t have the stickers yet,” Leslie muttered.

Melissa rubbed her eyes. “...Are you serious?” She put her face in her hands and groaned. “Of all the things needed to fix that damn boombox, he’s stuck on the stickers ?”

“I know!” Leslie barked, throwing up his hands. “The stickers serve no practical purpose! Yet this twit refuses to do anything to let us fix it with the actually essential items we do have for cosmetic purposes! Gah, if I weren’t a Top Zombie expected to act with dignity I’d be wrapping my hands around that spindly-”

“Leslie! No zombie on zombie violence!” Zachary gasped.

“But the temptation …” Leslie growled.

“Alright, alright. Enough moping, let’s think of something!” Melissa snapped, rubbing her temples and chasing away the foggy remnants of lurking grief. “This is no big deal, we just have to find stickers, or at least something like stickers. I suppose we could ask around the factory again…though the only stickers I saw were package stickers.”

“I can makes stickers!” Zachary volunteered. “I am very good at drawing ponies.”

“... Cute idea, but we don’t have anything to draw with or on,” Leslie grumbled. “Gah, I can’t think of anywhere we could get stickers in the middle of a plant-infested forest.”

“Well, we have to think of something…” Melissa grumbled. They huddled together in silence for a few moments, brows furrowed in deep thought as they scoured any, any sort of inspiration as to where to get the last part. Melissa was sure she could hear the steam billowing from Zachary’s brain as he grimaced to himself, a vein popping out on his forehead. 

Zachary then gasped. “Oh! What if we ask Izzy? That terrifying scout imp near the lake must have useful scout stuff!”

Melissa smiled at the soldier, making him beam proudly. “Good idea! I mean, if she’s close enough to an actual scout she’s bound to have something, or some idea to help! Leslie, what do you think?”

She glanced over to see Leslie grimace as though he’d just breathed in his own garlic smelling salts. “...Leslie?”

“Izzy? Izzy ?” Leslie groaned, face palming and smacking his hands against his goggles with a loud crack . “Gah, one time was enough…is that the best thing we can think of?”

“Leslie? Something wrong?” Zachary asked, cocking his head in puzzlement. “I thought you’d be happy to hear new plan to get closer to stop Dreadwood?”

“It has nothing to do with you two…” Leslie muttered, nursing his face in his hands before letting them fall off. “It’s just…the imp? Really? That insufferable little brat ?”

“I mean, I could tell they were definitely a special kind of crazy… and a pyromaniac…” Melissa mumbled, before clearing her throat and continuing, “But they did try to help me and Zach when we were coming to help you. And since we don’t really have any other ideas it’s worth a shot.”

Leslie pouted. “But…but…”

Zachary raised an eyebrow at his friend. “Leslie?”

The scientist hunched his head over, and Melissa could just barely hear him arguing with himself. Finally, with a massive grimace, he sucked in a breath before expelling it in an excessively loud groan of despair.

“Very well then, looks like we have no choice but to-”

…

“-Ask me for help? HA!”

Izzy sneered up at them - well, more accurately, at a Leslie struggling to not point his goo shotgun at the imp while Melissa and Zachary awkwardly stood off to the sides.

“I mean, I guess it is kinda nice to see you are still alive!” Izzy smirked as she continued, matching Leslie eye for eye even as the imp craned her neck to look up at the scientist. “Thought you would have already exploded with all that snootiness pent up in you!”

If the glares Leslie had been giving the Dummy cult were murderous, the cold fury emanating from the scientist now could have iced over the entire forest Dreadwood be damned. Between gritted, missing teeth Leslie hissed out, “Lovely to see you lively as usual… Izzy .”

“...So, am I missing something here, or what?” Melissa side-whispered to Zach as they were left bystanders to this sudden standoff. “I’m still not sure what is going on with these two.”

The foot soldier shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe imp took brainz from Leslie once?”

“You two don’t know? Did Zomboss already take the incident off the boards?” Izzy asked, breaking off her smug stare to curiously cock her head at the duo. 

“I mean…I never knew you until I see you today, and I see lots of Zomboss speeching and cool adver…advar…Zomboss announzements and boards!” Zachary said, stumbling over his words as he attempted to clarify himself. “I’m sure I remember face and maybe name if I saw it before. I remembers exactly sixty percent of names!”

For someone who apparently got in trouble with who was apparently quite the strict boss, Melissa would’ve thought the imp would’ve been relieved if anything to know that they were not banned or whatever it was she was stranded out here for. Instead, she actually looked disappointed .

“D’aw, they already fixed that giant crater too?” Izzy pouted. “But that was my best work yet!”

“Maybe for you ,” Leslie groused, eyelid twitching. “Do you know how long it took to patch up that neighborhood, and the house converter? How many fires we had to put out? All the group therapy sessions we had to fund?”

“And I was also the one who whooped the collective butts of ten Giga Torchwoods and stopped the entire plant offense dead in their tracks!” Izzy cut in. “I was the one who saved the day on the fronts, and you know that!”

“Well, we can’t exactly give a medal to the same imp that tore apart multiple, very valuable Zombot troopers to make a superbomb!” Leslie threw up his hands.

“So you all settled for kicking the single best Z-Mech pilot in the entire army off into unarmed probation,” Izzy snorted. “Really smart move brainiac! Real smart.”

She glared at Leslie, but mere seconds later giggled and smiled cheerfully. “But hey, this ‘cool down’ session in the middle of nowhere has been therapeutic! I’ve really gotten time to reflect, pursue my passion for camping, experiment with varying fire-starting techniques…all in all, I’m still living my best unlife! Making the best of it, you know?”

Leslie sputtered a few more moments, clearly itching to snap back with an even harsher retort. The zombie scientist took in the imp’s smug face, wordlessly challenging Leslie, say-something-I-dare-you . Leslie simply growled, “How… wonderful for you.”

“Yeah, okay, pushing past that,” Melissa quickly stepped in before Leslie could continue his meltdown over the tiny zombie. “Izzy, do you have any stickers we could use? They’re the last thing we need to fix a boombox to take down Dreadwood.”

“Oh, so the cult did send you out on that crazy quest?” Izzy asked.

“Well, we volunteered for it so we wouldn’t have to wait however many years for them to let Leslie out of the cage,” Melissa admitted.

“Pfft, if you ask me he needs a few years in a small cell. Might help with that ego of his,” Izzy snorted, earning herself another acrid glare from the zombie scientist.

“ Anyways , like I was saying, do you have any stickers we could use?” Melissa asked imploringly. “We’re not sure who else in these woods could have anything like that, and you were the only thing we could think of.”

“Well, you thought right!” Izzy grinned, her smile turning a bit more genuine. “Recently, I was making patches and dropped some into this big sticky puddle of sap. Now the backs are all super sticky and I don’t want to put them on my clothes, but I imagine they’d work great for a boombox! Better than any cheap paper sticker out there, for sure!”

“Oh, cool! Can we has?” Zachary added. He paused, then hastily added, “Pretty please?”

“Mmmmmm… lemme think…” Izzy looked at an earnestly smiling Zachary, then to Melissa, then to a still scowling Leslie. She hummed, then shook her head. “Nah.”

“Wh-what?” Zachary spluttered. “But why? We didn’t do anything to you? … Did we?”

“Oh no, soldier boy. You’re all good!” Izzy clarified. “And you’re cool in my books as well, buckethead! But Mr. Grumpypants over there? I’ve still got some beef with you…”

Leslie growled. “Izzy. Don’t. Make. This. Difficult .”

The imp rolled her eyes. “Me? Difficult? I have no idea what you could be talking about!”

“Of course you wouldn’t. Whenever you do something, you just never take responsibility for it!”

“Well, maybe I’d be more willing to be ‘responsible’ if someone will get their head out their rump!”

“Wh- you little scum! I’m a Top Zombie! I’m the one that makes sure ALL the equipment for the whole Z army is made functional so our loyal troops, including formerly you, can do their job! I’m the most important zombie out in this forest!”

Izzy rolled her eyes, “Woooow, you pour chemicals into tubes, and poke big robots with big metal sticks to make sure they beep boop in exactly the same boring way. That’s soooo important.”

“I don’t poke robots, my job requires finesse and-” 

Leslie stopped midrant, a dangerous gleam appearing in his eye. “...you know what? Why am I even arguing with you ?” 

With a snarl Leslie snapped out his shotgun and pressed it right up against Izzy’s head. “If you don’t help us right now, then I’ll make you regret your insolence!” The zombie scientist leaned in close, so the glass of their goggles nearly touched the forehead of a still smiling, but eerily calm Izzy, his mouth baring teeth as each of his hissed words dripped like poison. “I’ll make sure to send you to the Infinity Plane in nothing more than a tin can, and wipe the records so no one will ever find you .”

Zachary gasped in shock, both hands flying up comically high with an expression that would’ve made Melissa snicker over how dramatic it was if it weren’t for how horrifically tense the situation was. The cold glint in Leslie’s over-dilated eyes sent chills down her spine, a fury emanating from the zombie scientist unlike anything she had seen before.

Izzy just smirked, crossing her arms and being thoroughly unimpressed. “Heh. Glad to see you still got some of your old battlefield temper. Better than you strutting around all self-important with a clipboard and a stick up your butt.”

Leslie’s eyelid twitched, trigger finger tightening as something snapped in his brain. “Why, you little SC -!”

“Hey, HEY!” Melissa couldn’t take it much longer. As much as she usually despised getting in other people’s personal drama – she’d had plenty of that from working in an office thank you very much – she didn’t want to end up also seeing zombie homicide on top of plant homicide today. She took Leslie by the shoulder and pushed him back, forcing his arm down. She stepped in between the two, crossing her arms and putting on a ferocious ‘get along now’ glare that could cow even the most enraged Karen. “I get it, you two don’t like each other. But can we at least agree that now is probably not the best time to be fighting? I mean, don’t both of you want Dreadwood gone?”

Leslie sputtered, unable to determine if he were more peeved at the impetuous “buckethead” or surprised that she’d even stepped in. After a few moments of sputtering and looking around in disbelief, he deflated. “... True. He is connected to the main reason I was originally sent here, and… I still need to complete that mission.”

Izzy took a beat longer, though her poker face in this situation was admittedly much better. She then shrugged, a thoughtful frown on her round face. “As much as I hate helping Leslie of all people… I suppose it would be convenient to not have those gross Dreadroots everywhere. I kinda have to stay up here where it’s only weeds since a certain someone put a complete ban on me having any weapons. And let me tell you, that makes setting fires a heck a lot more difficult!”

“ Putting that last part aside , see? You two both would like the same things, wouldn’t you?” Melissa said patiently. “Now, you can both agree that for now, you can just put aside your gripes for each other temporarily, at least until the bigger problem is resolved?”

The pause from both was even longer, but eventually with more reluctance than the other the zombies nodded. Izzy crossed her arms, still giving Leslie the stink eye but humming thoughtfully to herself.

“Hmmm… I mean, I guess I don’t have a grudge against you buckethead or soldier boy. But science man over there still really ticks me off!” Izzy grumbled, and Melissa’s stomach sank. It went back up however when Izzy suddenly smiled. “But if you lot are going to actually get rid of Dreadwood, then I suppose I can compromise!” 

Clapping her hands together and rocking on her heels with a cherubic smile on her face, she continued, “I’ll give you the stickers… for just a teensy, weensy little favor in return.”

Leslie furiously sneered, and started, “They’re just stickers, you can’t possibly-”

“That we can do!” Melissa cut him off, absolutely not willing to stand awkwardly besides yet another argument. “What do you need?”

“Nothing major! I’m not going to ask you to go drain the lake or steal the sun, if that’s what you’re wondering, science boy ,” Izzy grinned, expression turning smug at Leslie’s growl. She brightened as she turned her attention back to Melissa. “I just need you all to go find my special cookies!” 

“Your… cookies?” Melissa asked.

Izzy nodded. “Yup! Let me explain. You see, there’s this big group of annoying Sunflowers flouncing around the forest who always keep sticking their noses into my business! Every time I try to have just a little bit of fun – you know, a little fire here, a few explosives there, nothing major – they barge right in and snuff them out!”

Izzy made little fists and punched the air. “It makes me so mad! Normally now, I’d just whip up some tech and send them all straight into the lake in a blink! But thanks to a certain someone and his oh-so-precious protocols and professionalism , I don’t even have one itty bitty blaster. As much as I hate to say it, I’m about as useful as a Punk in a garden full of Magnet Shrooms!” 

Izzy grinned and eagerly rubbed their hands together, a murderous glint alighting in their eye. “So, I’m resorting to special methods to handle this problem, once and for all!”

“So you’re giving the sunflowers… ‘special’ cookies that we have to look for?” Melissa asked skeptically, crossing her arms. She could feel her eyebrows practically flying off of her head with how high they were going. 

What do cookies have to do with fighting plants?

“Yup!” Izzy grinned. At Melissa’s skeptical eyebrow raise she wiggled her brows. “I get it, you’re skeptical, but hold your doubt! They’re special cookies, with a special ingredient that gives them a real kick that those plants won’t see coming! I’m not spoiling what the special ingredient is, but trust me when I say it’ll be worth it!”

(Off to the side, Leslie grumbled something about gunpowder and nitroglycerine in the cafeteria.)

“I admit, I still confused by explanation, but I love cookies!” Zachary gushed, on the complete opposite side of the ‘surprise’ spectrum. He butted in beside Melissa to exclaim, “What flavor iz they? Brainz flavor?”

“Mmm, like I said, it’s a special recipe specially made for those goody goody sunflowers, and it’s gotta stay a surprise!” Lizzy grinned, with a truly evil smile and a cheeky wink. She then smiled a bit more nicely and whipped out a little basket from somewhere behind her back. “But I do have these nice snickerdoodles and gingerbread! These are definitely not for the plants, and these are not related to the problem at all, but this is one of my best batches so far!”

“Oooh! Can I please haz one?” Zachary asked, clasping his hands together pleadingly.

“Mmmm, I guess just one wouldn't hurt!” Lizzy decided after a beat, reaching into the basket to pluck out one rather scrumptious looking cookie and handing it to the foot soldier. “Can’t let you have any more though until you find my special cookies!”

Zachary immediately took and crammed the cookie into his mouth, mushing it between mismatched teeth. Thankfully, he just barely seemed to remember Melissa’s attempted lessons on courtesy to not spit crumbs everywhere, and remembered to swallow before exclaiming, “These is good cookies!”

“Yeah, I know!” Izzy grinned. “They smell good too, don’t they?” At Zachary’s vigorous nod she grinned and poked at – well, it wasn’t so much a nose as it was two nostril holes common to every zombie Melissa had seen, but the implication was clear. “That’s your ticket to finding my cookies! My sniffer’s been cooked for a while now – the sad result of mixing flour and gunpowder in an oven – and I don’t rightly remember where the goodies might’ve gone, but I’m sure that at least one of you can sniff it right up!”

“Oooh! Oooh!” Zachary eagerly raised their hand before anyone could interject. “I can do that! I’m very good at smelling food!”

“Good enough!” Izzy smiled. She momentarily dashed over to the pile of junk that Melissa had spotted beside her the first time they met, and then dashed back to toss a walkie talkie toward Zachary. As the soldier caught it, she continued, “I’ll be keeping tabs on you via the camera system I definitely didn’t hack from the factory, and that walkie talkie Leslie has that I also definitely didn’t slip into his pocket while you weren’t looking!”

Leslie balked, and whipped out said walkie talkie from a pocket in his lab coat. “Wait, when did you-” 

Izzy barreled right onward, “-I’ll let you know when you find my cookies, and what you gotta do next to make sure they get to those plants! If ya do run into trouble… well, you got guns. I’m not gonna babysit you, you’re all big soldiers! You all know the song and dance!”

“Yes, tiny imp! I understand completely!” Zachary snapped up straight and gave a smart salute, the derpy soldier suddenly poised and professional. The soldier quickly snapped the radio from a befuddled Leslie, and sagely proclaimed to Izzy, “I will find your cookies! Starting mission… now!”

Zachary immediately then rocket jumped, and (barely) missed slamming his head into the jutting edge of the cabin roof as he immediately dropped out of sight.

“Ah, the joys of jetpacks, how I miss mine…” Izzy said fondly as she wiped a small tear watching after Zachary’s smoke trail. She waited a moment, then turned and made a shooing gesture at the remaining two, also staring and shaking their heads in the wake of the overzealous foot soldier. “Well? You want your sticky badges or not science boy? Follow that soldier, and find my cookies!”

Leslie grumbled, but simply shoved their free hand into their pocket and settled for a vicious glare. “I swear, sooner or later I’m going to wipe that smug little grin off your face.”

“Yeah, in your dreams, science boy!” Izzy jeered. Leslie growled again, but instead of continuing a futile argument yanked out his teleportation button and vanished in a literal puff of smoke. Melissa hesitated, but couldn’t think of anything particularly witty to say and she just settled for an awkward wave and jogged around the corner.

Thankfully, finding Zachary was not the chore that she was expecting since he’d gone off so eagerly. It only took a minute to find him (semi-expectedly) with his face planted on the ground – though not from falling over. With an intensity of a bloodhound the zombie intently prowled, eyes focused and his weapons sheathed as he wholly focused on the ground. Melissa made to open her mouth, but jumped when with an ear-rending pop Leslie popped right beside her.

“Gh- Will you warn me when you do that? I thought I was about to get ambushed!” Melissa hissed.

Leslie huffed, but ignored her to look at Zachary’s intense investigation of the dirt. “...Good to see he’s still not lost his touch for scent finding. After so long in the field most zombies have their senses dulled a bit, but he hardly seems to have lost his sense of smell.”

“Wait, what does that mean?” Melissa asked in bewilderment, eyes following after the foot soldier clambering about the ground on all fours and sniffing with his nose-holes pressed right on the ground. She hesitated – is it suspicious if another zombie asks about this? – and continued, “I mean, I get brain hunting is important and all, but do you all have to sniff out things that much? I wouldn’t think…”

“Yes, actually. I suppose first gen zombies like you wouldn’t have the same advancements as perhaps Zachary would, but Zomboss has made alterations to improve certain senses in his later zombie templates,” Leslie replied. “Us zombies have an excellent sense of smell and taste, far more than those wretched plants would give us credit for. How else would we be able to fully enjoy the robust flavors of fresh brains, or detect the disgusting stench of chlorophyll from weeds?”

Wow, that’s not disturbing at all , Melissa thought, suppressing a disgusted grimace as she nodded along.

Leslie continued on, “Then again, Zachary’s sense of smell is one of the best I’ve seen! For the longest time I wondered how he would always find my secret stash of Einstein-Flavored Bagels back in the academy, and it wasn’t until I found him right above the steel vault I buried in the university courtyard sniffing away that I realized how he’d been figuring out my hiding places!”

“He can smell through metal ?”

“Apparently, yes. I know, it was an amazing yet horrifying realization. I could never hide any food from him and his bottomless stomach,” Leslie sighed, but then he smiled for the first time. “But, his immaculate sense of smell is most certainly coming in handy now…”

Just as Leslie concluded his sentence the foot soldier immediately perked up and jumped to their feet. “Aha! I smells cookies this way!”

The foot soldier immediately jumped and loped off again before either scientist or “buckethead” could call for him to slow down. With a helpless sigh they followed after Zachary, traipsing across the campground just barely able to keep his bobbing helmet in sight until the peppering of gunfire hit their ears.

Melissa gasped and sped up her pace, filled with a burst of worry, but it was unneeded. A small pile of slain weeds already lay at Zachary’s feet by the time she got there, so she was faced with the zombie hunched over and digging at blinding speeds. 

“Zach? What are you doing?”

“I’s finding the cookies I smell here!” Zachary explained, now elbow deep in an impressively large hole. The soldier paused their digging to roll up their sleeves, and stick their hand in deep. “Mmmmmm….. I feel it right…. Here!”

With one mighty heave, what had to be the world’s biggest chocolate chip cookie was pulled up and plopped into the pile of dirt, Zachary posing and grinning beside it like a madman. The pastry of chocolate chips and dirt-covered brown crumble had to be at least as big as a manhole cover, and maybe even just as heavy as it sunk into the soil. Despite seemingly been buried in the ground for who-knew how long, the cookie was fresh if dirty (literally)... and bearing an impressively large bite mark that turned the cookie from a full-circle to a half-moon.

“Oh good gravy!” Leslie had been jogging with an annoyed scowl, but the scientist had to do a double take when he saw the same baffling sight. “Is that an entire chocolate chip cookie?!”

~Heeeeeeyyy! Did someone mention… cookies?~

A buzzy electronic voice came from somewhere on Zachary’s belt, and the foot soldier quickly unclipped it and grinned. “Yup! This is a big cookie! It yours?”

~Hmmmmm….~ Izzy was silent for a moment, radio interference making their hum cut in and out before they scoffed. ~Meh. It’s just chocolate chip… boring! Those aren’t MY cookies!~ 

“Wait, really?” Zachary’s face drooped. “Aww, I waz sure this was right…”

~Hey, chin up soldier boy! You found that cookie real fast, faster than I expected! I’m sure you’ll find the right smell!~ Izzy cheered. 

“Wait… then who does the giant chocolate chip cookie belong to?” Melissa asked, staring at the cookie. Her hackles raised as she eyed the clear bite mark. “It… looks half eaten.”

That made Izzy hum in thought again, and more to herself than anything mused out loud. ~Hmmm, giant cookie, half eaten… looks like he’s been eating from the Big Boy bake shop. Dang, I bet he’s sleeping off his sugar coma, the big glutton…~

“The Big Boy… Izzy?” Lucille scowled. “Is there something you mean to tell us? If you’re hiding something from us I swear-”

~Nah, but your buckethead friend’s little observation made me think- if you keep following the soldier boy’s sniffer and find more of those jumbo cookies, that must mean you’re getting closer to my special cookies!~ Izzy said. ~And, before you start yapping at me again, let me say that the less time you spend waffling about is more time you get to take care of Dreadwood! I don’t know about you, but I’m guessing you don’t want to spend all day on one eensy-weensy task, right?~

Leslie opened his mouth to protest, but then snapped it shut as Izzy continued, voice turning deathly serious, ~And really, really actually listen this time when I say that you do NOT want to be here when it gets to be nighttime. So let's get this all done in the daytime! Capiche?~  

Leslie looked as though he’d just inhaled his own garlic smelling salts once again, but after a moment couldn’t come up with any retort to Izzy’s suggestion. The scientist just looked crossly over at Zachary. “Very well. Let’s go… before the imp runs her mouth any more …”

…

They did find more cookies, all just as absurdly large as before (and half-eaten) but all still somehow not the actual cookies. Melissa was beginning to wonder if there weren’t really any “special” cookies after all, but if this was instead some sort of elaborate prank to get petty revenge on Leslie via wild goose chase. If it was a prank to incense the scientist, it was definitely working as the glower the scientist had grew deeper with every false lead.

Zachary was still just as cheerful as when he started, wholly caught up in the challenge of finding the “real” cookies. The soldier moved briskly and Melissa could barely keep up – again, she cursed her office-worker level stamina and every choice that somehow lead her to be running wild in the middle of the woods with the absolute worst makeup in the world making her sweaty skin feel even clammier and a noisy bucket ringing like a bell on her head. 

Slowly but steadily, the group had wound their way back through the woods, and soon back around the factory. The trail of giant, half-eaten cookies Zachary was unearthing didn’t lead back to the main body of the factory, but around to the array of empty buildings in the back, including the one that Leslie had been trapped in what already felt like months ago but had only been a few hours now. 

There was still the absurd quantity of Dummy-worshiping art and graffiti scattered around the grounds that Melissa knew to expect, but this time there was something… off about the grounds.

Finally, she had to pop the question. “Hey, how come we haven’t seen any of the Dummy cultists?”

Leslie looked around, and sniffed. “Hmph. I don’t quite know. Perhaps they decided to cower away when they saw me coming back.”

Zachary was far ahead of them and completely ignorant as the two slowed down, but for the moment neither worried about being left behind by the soldier in favor of the growing sense of ill ease they were sharing. Melissa took a closer look at their surroundings, and then hesitated. Slowly, she crouched down, and then scooped something that had caught her eye. “...Weird… there’s a bunch of sunflower petals everywhere. I don’t think I saw anything like this when Tim took us around here to see you.”

“Sunflower petals?” Leslie was swift to crouch and rip the creamy yellow petal from Melissa’s fingers. His goggles swiveled, the glass seeming to change its sheen for a few seconds, and his mouth frowned. “Hm, recently lost, seems to have been lost as a result of burst fire from typical zombie weaponry… it seems perhaps there was a plant and zombie skirmish recently! One with… hm, quite a few sunflowers judging by the sheer quantity of petal material. More than I would’ve expected, sunflowers usually only appear in pairs or with a variety of other plants, not just with their kind. Most unusual.” The scientist hummed.

“A skirmish of… mostly sunflowers?” A familiar niggle arose from the back of her mind, and after a moment a lightbulb went off above Melissa’s head. She gasped. “Wait, didn’t Izzy say something about delivering these cookies to sunflowers specifically?”

“You remember correctly! If so…” The scientist let the petal drop to tap a finger to his chin. “It does seem like a bit of a coincidence that we follow a trail of cookies to an area where there was a recent skirmish with far more sunflowers than usual, enough that those idiot cultists seem to have scattered from their stomping grounds.”

Melissa looked around. “I guess it makes sense they’d want to defend what’s left of the factory… but then why are there none of them here?”

Leslie frowned, posture turning tense. “Yet another astute observation. They should still be around, even if they were vanquished the respawn system hasn’t been decommissioned based on the automatic reports I received for this mission. So where did those idiots go-?”

“HEYA! I THINK I FOUNDS THE REAL COOKIES!”

The hoarse cry of Zachary shot through both of their concentration. Melissa startled to her feet and automatically yelled back, “We’re coming Zach!” She looked down to where Leslie pensively thought to himself, the lens on his bizarre goggles spinning wildly with more weird light patterning across the glass. “Listen, I agree that something smells fishy about the factory, but for now let's just see what Zach found. Sound good?”

“I suppose. Perhaps this will make more sense soon…” Leslie said, looking less than reassured. The zombie scientist did stand though, and beside each other began to follow where Zach’s voice had come from. The hairs on Melissa’s neck were beginning to stand up though, more as she noticed more details of the empty factory grounds.

There was the humming of the mad conglomerations of communications equipment scattered on tall poles around them and whatever other zombie technology was still intact in the factory, the creaking of the trees, and even a very faint splashing from the swampy areas. And yet, there was a noticeable absence of shuffling feet beyond Leslie’s, or even a hint of vibrant green from any plants. All was peaceful, and utterly, completely empty.

Melissa suddenly felt overexposed, as if there were eyes somewhere she couldn’t see peering at her, and a bout of paranoia gripped her. Her eyes darted around as they wound their way near the entrance of a factory sub-building, and even the sight of Zachary did little to stop the growing sense of impending doom creeping upon her.

“Why were you all not here when I found dirt piles?” The foot soldier asked somewhat impatiently as the two approached. “I thought you wanted to be quick?”

“I’m not losing my need to haste. We just… made a troubling observation,” Leslie said. The scientist cleared his throat and gestured at Zachary. “But that’s for later! You think you found our goal?”

“Yez!” Zachary exclaimed, and he poked what was a pile of dirt that seemed larger than the previous ones they’d found with the butt of his gun. “Now, I just has to dig!”

But before Zachary could begin digging with his hands, Melissa shouted, “Stop!”

“Heh?” The foot soldier looked at her weirdly. 

Melissa pointed at the pile, paranoia ratcheting up to a new high. “I… I think the dirt is moving .”

It was hard to notice at first with how large the dirt pile was, but upon closer inspection, the dirt was not as still as it should have been. There was a subtle rise and fall to the pile of brown, small pebbles gradually falling out of place. With the pronounced quiet of the clearing, Melissa could even hear something that sounded uncannily like snoring.

“Hey, Izzy?” Zachary pulled out the radio and spoke into it. “Iz Cookies supposed to be breathing?” The soldier poked the pile several more times with his gun. “Because dirt is acting funny and-”

Zachary backed up as the ground suddenly rumbled . Protective instinct flared up, and Melissa found herself grabbing the zombie’s elbow and pulling him further away, all three of them backing up in unspoken unison to press up against the nearest wall. It was just in time as well.

Dirt erupted from the ground like a dirty (ha) geyser, and then something bellowed as it tore itself from its prison, a mountain of green flesh and tattered brown shirt towering over them as it leapt from the ground, sending rocks raining down and the earth dipping at the mass that had suddenly exited it in dynamic style that would have sent the party tipping over if they hadn’t had something solid to lean against. 

It was unmistakable what the giant thing that had appeared before them was, even if it was a sight Melissa had only viewed from a distance. Any plant worth their salt would quake in dread at the thing scratching at a bulbous head with a hand large enough to hold a full grown zombie comfortably, cradling a massive iron ball against its chest without a sweat as it yawned and rubbed its eyes. On its head, bulging with faintly purple veins, a pair of basketball-sized eyes settling on them half-focused and still sleepy. One foot raised and fell so it could turn, and the simple motion was enough to send a quake strong enough to jellify Melissa’s legs.

It also had a giant cookie painted onto the bomb for some reason.

Oh sweet Dave. 

It’s a Gargantuar.

~Hey, I heard explosions! Don’t tell me you set off the cookies early!~ Izzy’s voice interjected as they gaped at the currently-placid juggernaut of a zombie looking around, a mildly perturbed expression as they glanced over the zombies and “buckethead”. As no one dared speak, Izzy huffed. ~Huh, shocked silent… wait, don’t tell me. Did you-?~

“Find a giant zombie just chilling in the ground!?!” Melissa screeched, snatching the radio and letting out the burst of stress that had claimed her. “You mentioned nothing about this part! What does this have to do with cookies?!”

~A giant-? Hold on! That’s actually great! You found him!~ Izzy gasped. ~Quick, point the radio at him!~

Zachary grabbed Melissa’s hand and turned the radio for her so the speaker faced the Gargantuar squinting at them. The foot soldier had the prescience to turn up the volume, so Izzy’s voice was loud enough as she squawked out, ~Cookies! It’s me, Izzy! My friends, and one dumb science nerd, found you, and I’m talking to you through the talkie!~

The gargantuar’s eyes widened in surprise, and it moaned lowly. Izzy giggled. ~Yeah yeah, I would’ve come myself but you know I can’t even pick up a itty bitty blaster without the klaxons sounding and a Zombot storming my location. But that’s besides the point!~ Izzy became snappy. ~What are you doing napping in the dirt and chowing down on cookies, Cookies!? I gave you a mission that you were supposed to finish hours ago!~

The gargantuar made several apologetic-sounding groans, sheepishly scratching the back of their head. For some reason, the translator didn’t translate anything the Gargantuar “said” – part of her wondered if it was just how utterly deep and whale-like the giant zombie’s voice was, at a pitch the translator couldn’t hear – but Izzy sighed in comprehension. ~Okay, I get it. Your friend intercepted you on the way over and gave you a big present of cookies, and you were toooooo guilty to say no. Then you lost control and ate the entire box before going into a food coma. You know you don’t have to eat the entire box the second you get it!~

The gargantuar made more deep, whale-like moans, sounding defensive this time. ~No Cookies, just burying them in the dirt after you eat half of each cookie is not a good way to store them. If you really couldn’t carry the cookies and my Special Cookies, you should’ve just come back and dropped them off in the cabinet!~

The gargantuar sighed and groaned something that sounded like an apology. ~D’aww, you know I can’t stay mad at you Cookies. But I need you to pull through and finish things up, alright?~ 

“Izzy?” Melissa spoke, calmer now but not by much as she eyes the gigantic monstrosity standing right in front of them. “Can you explain what exactly the Special Cookies are now? Because before we keep going forward I’d like to not have any more surprises!”

~Meh, fair enough. Since you found Cookies, I guess I can spill!~ Izzy giggled. ~Ya see, since I can’t go after those sunflowers myself, I figured the next best thing would be getting someone else to. Of course, finding people to help was more difficult than I thought. For SOME reason, none of the zombies around here seem to ‘like’ or ‘trust’ me.~

“I can’t imagine why,” Leslie muttered.

~But Cookies was down to help! Did you know that Cookies actually used to be my old riding Gargauntuar?~ Izzy sighed wistfully. ~When I was picked to be in the Elite zombie program, they tried pairing him up with a new imp, but he just didn’t click with anyone else so they let me keep him on call. Sure, he’s big and a grump, and eats way too much dang sugar for his own good, but I couldn’t ask for a more loyal friend to deliver high-capacity explosives!~

Said gargantuar shrugged and looked away quickly, hiding what looked suspiciously like a blush. Melissa thought that was… actually quite adorable, and some of her terror at seeing the most feared zombie mere feet away lessened (though not completely). Leslie focused less on the adorable moment, and instead on the last part.

“What do you mean, high capacity explosives?” Leslie hissed.

~What, it’s not like I’m taking weapons and going over to the sunflowers to blast them myself, am I? It’s not breaking probation!~ Izzy said. ~My plan is simple! Cookies takes a nice big ‘special’ cookie lovingly made by yours truly with iron, and full of lots and lots of gunpowder. You all draw out the Sunflower Queen, and then KABOOM! The bomb sends her and those sunflowers packing!~ 

“...Oh sweet Zombie in the sky, you aren’t kidding. That’s your entire plan?” Leslie facepalmed. “You were planning… on harassing the ENTIRE sunflower population of Weirding Woods… and taking out the Queen flower with just one Gargantuar?!?”  

~Hey! It’s one gargantuar with a giant bomb!~ Izzy corrected. ~I know Sunflower Queens are big and tough and whatever, but not even royalty can survive a point-blank explosion! Trust me, I’ve tested it! It completely leveled the cabin I put it inside!~

“...This was a mistake,” Leslie moaned, falling to his knees with his head in his hands.

Melissa was tempted to agree with him. She had no idea what a Sunflower Queen was, but from the sound of it a Sunflower Queen most likely equaled bad news . And fighting all the sunflowers in Weirding Woods? That one took a bit more thinking, since Melissa mostly remembered sunflowers out of combat. The sunflowers on her lawn had been largely passive, focused entirely on producing condensed sunshine that rested in shiny, almost hypnotizing orbs or pure light for plants to suck up and reenergize themselves. The sunflowers that were more “elite” also weren’t exactly combative either… but even if they weren’t, Melissa could at least remember that Sunflowers were still spoken of in the same caliber as the visibly formidable Corns and Citrons, which had to mean something about their potential power.

“...How many sunflowers exactly live in Weirding Woods?” Melissa asked tentatively.

~Hmm, I think last I checked it was, like… at least a hundred just in this area!~ Izzy remarked. ~Of course there’s a hecka lot more scattered way further out, but for this plan we only have to deal with the ones near the factory!~

“That makes none of this better,” Leslie muttered, still curled up in a fetal position.

Melissa frowned, the pit in her gut yawning wider. She couldn’t help but flash back to her earlier fight with the weeds, her arm aching in memory. She’d been able to stand her ground there… but in a fight against an ungodly number of sunflowers and a ‘Sunflower Queen’? Would she be able to hold herself up and not get obliterated within the first two seconds?

Would I be able to kill another plant?

“...We can dos it,” Zachary said suddenly, voice firm. 

“Wh- Zachary? What are you talking about?” Leslie roused from his stupor, but not enough to get off the ground. “If we’re dealing with a Sunflower Queen we need more than just us! I mean, I suppose the Gargantuar is a nice bonus, but we’re declaring a war against an army of sunflowers! And as much as those sun spitting weeds love to spout off imaginary things like ‘pacifism’, there’s many reasons that fighting that many is a terrible idea!”

“And? I’ve fought worse,” Zachary shrugged. The soldier casually slung his blaster over one shoulder. “Sure, it’s a lot of sunflowers, but the batch grown here has less firepower. I notice it back in main Neighborville too – sunflowers grown here even more sappy, stinky and gross, but they less good at making hurty sunbeams.”

Melissa blinked as Zachary took on a professional tone of voice, holding up one hand as he continued, “And even if they has a lot of them all at once, sunflowers prefer to glue to each other and heal. And when they does that, they a lot easier to pick off one by one if you pick target right! You has good close damage to take out lots of them, I good at taking out one at time. And if you so worried about numbers, you have grenade to put around traps, and I have stink cloud to do crowd control and funneling so they can’t organize. And for Queen…” 

Zachary just reached around to pat the rocket launcher on his back with a grin. “Rocket to face.”

Melissa was shocked quiet by the eloquence from the same zombie that she’d caught eating dust from her vacuum. The lucidity in Zachary’s eyes was still there as he waited for their response, as calm and collected as a cucumber.  

Is… where has this Zachary been hiding?

Leslie opened his mouth as if to protest, then shut it abruptly. A dawning epiphany lit up behind his goggles. “I… no, your assessment is accurate.” 

He closed his eyes, and sighed. “I… well, I suppose you really have fought off worse than a Sunflower Queen all on your own, Zachary.” A flash of memory glazed over Leslie’s eyes, and the Scientist grimaced. “Much worse. To you this is probably a cakewalk.”

~Yeah, that was a pretty clean analysis soldier boy. Didn’t take you for the general-leader type!~ Izzy piped up, the admiration in her voice genuine.

The complement made Zachary blush bright violet, and the soldier hastily looked away, eyes darting. “No! No! It just me doing job. No leader thing.”

Leslie breathed deeply and stood up. “Regardless of whether the numbers make dealing with this sunflower menace ourselves… difficult…” A flicker of doubt shadowed the scientist’s face, but he shook his head and continued on, “You have already proven multiple times that you can do the job of ten zombies over and over. If you believe this is doable, then I am willing to give this mess the benefit of the doubt.”

The scientist spun the triple barrels of his shotgun. “Izzy, what are we going to do now that we have your ‘Cookies’?”

~Glad to hear that you haven’t chickened out science boy!~ Leslie growled, but kept cool as the imp continued, ~Lucky for everyone, Cookies managed to wander pretty close to where you need to be! You see, the sunflowers have been trying to get into the factory for ages now – something something about the reclamation of nature over industrial corruption or some stupid garbage like that – and like buckethead noticed earlier those sunflowers did drive those factory dummies inside.~

Izzy’s voice turned conspiratorial. ~You know how they’re trying to get their ‘nature reclamation’ business done? Sun spots. Plant life giving sun spots alllll around the factory.~

“Sun spots?” Leslie thought for a moment. “Ah yes, a relatively rare phenomenon that usually requires quite a few sunflowers with sufficient sunpower… or -”

~A Sunflower Queen.~ Izzy said. ~And Sunflower Queens hate it when their sun spots get wrecked. You can put two and two together.~

“Let me guess, we destroy the sun spots to draw out the Queen so Cookies can use the bomb on them?” Melissa asked.

~Ding ding! Right on the money buckethead! You all draw out the Queen, lure Cookies right to her, and then you just let her special sunlight trigger it and then KABLOOEY! You get your stickers, I get sweet revenge, and everyone is happy!~

“Sounds good to me!” Zachary said, cool composure melding anew with a bloodlust glowing in his eyes once more. The soldier spun his gun around one finger and let it definitively smack into his hands in a ready position. “ Where to ?”

~Just round the corner of that blocky building yonder there! I’ll be watching through the cameras and being your eyes in the sky!~ Izzy sing-songed. ~Now, you all go and DESTROY MY ENEMIES! WAAAAHAHAHAHA!~

Melissa cringed back from the deranged laughing, but was pulled up straight by a grinning Zachary. The soldier smiled reassuringly at her. “Meh-liss-ah, sticks with me! I keep you safe with me this time!”

The human in disguise hesitated, but then nodded. “I… I can do that, if it doesn’t get in your way.”

“You good!” Zachary patted her on the back. “I always having to make sure to protect fellow zombie in fight. Scientist like Leslie kinda squishy if they get too close-”

“Not that squishy,” Leslie muttered as he did a check-over of his weapons.

“-And it up to me to keep plants off back so zombies like Scientist and Engineer can do job! So keeping you safe is no problem!” Zachary smiled. “You just use weapon to blast weeds, and me and Leslie get Gargantuar to Sunflower Queen!”

“O…Okay,” Melissa breathed, and she managed to smile back. She couldn’t muster nearly the same bravado as the soldier, but she at least seemed to appease the foot soldier. The zombie waved for her to move forward.

“C’mon, lets go!”

Cookies grunted, a spark of excitement animating the big lug as any of his remaining lethargy disappeared. With little prompting, the massive zombie began to lumber forward with earthquake-inducing steps that covered double the length of Melissa’s own gain. The zombie seemed to already know what way Izzy wanted them to go, and with little fuss the trio accompanied him, weapons drawn and at the ready.

Melissa in particular made absolutely sure that this time, the ammo for the Unkind Rewind was out of her backpack and in her pockets where this time she could actually reach them. A trickle of adrenaline preemptively began coursing through her system, and her mind raced as they proceeded forward.

Okay, we’re going to fight plants. Again.

I need to make sure this time to definitely NOT get hit again.

I guess if I do get hit by a Sunflower sun beam or something, it might just cauterize the wound… but it’s going to be hard to explain away the smell of burning meat. 

Especially if Leslie, or Cookies gets a whiff of cooking human.

That was a shudder inducing thought that Melissa did her best to shove to the back of her mind.

Keep calm, keep focused.

Roll with what happens as it comes, and if worse comes to worse…

You can lie again. They’ve been buying it so far, haven’t they?

It was something that kept Melissa composed as they rounded the corner to see a semi-open clearing overlooking a forest of concrete and iron spires with metal shipping containers impaled with massive trees and more swampy forest far below. Right in the middle of the clearing, around a tree trunk, several sunflowers looked up in surprise from-

Holy moly that’s a bright spot of sun!

Melissa had to look away from the literal blinding ball of sunshine sitting condensed a few feet in the air, a red spot already forming in her vision. As she blinked it away, Izzy’s voice rang out over the walkie, back in Leslie’s lab coat with the speaker facing out.

~There! Quick, hit it with a few good blasts to disrupt its outer coat before you take out those flowers!~

Zachary was two steps ahead, and as Izzy spoke the barrel of his blaster was already up and firing yellow pellets. Leslie was equally quick on the draw, and his shotgun was up and spinning in an altered configuration as violet ooze was shot out not in the concentrated short bursts Melissa had seen the scientist using before, but in thick blobs that covered the greater distance more easily. The sun spot jolted in place as the pellets and ooze impacted it, and in a few seconds the concentrated fire was too much and it burst with a bright POP!

The sunflowers had been surprised at seeing the zombies burst around the corner, but the shattering of the sun spot made all of them yell in anger. Their flat faces, ones Melissa was used to seeing locked into chipper smiles and that had been open mouthed in surprise, contorted in unified fury. Immediately, light coalesced around them, and with a papapapapapap bursts of burning sunlight came scorching out from their faces .

Of course. Of freaking course. Sunflowers shooting literal sunbeams, Melissa thought belatedly.

Zachary was swift enough to yank Melissa out of the way, but some sunlight came close enough that Melissa could feel the burning heat of them before they harmlessly burst against the walls of the factory buildings, leaving little scorch marks on the bricks. Melissa grimaced – Yeah, I’m not letting myself get hit this time. – and with adrenaline pushing her guilt back she joined the zombies in raising her handheld Unkind Rewind and blasting.

There were five sunflowers around, but it took only a few minutes to clean house. Leslie switching back to the spread out close shotgun spread took them out with only a few shots as they clustered together, yellow light indicating them attempting to heal from the oppressive spray of pellets and discs. The healing light was able to make the wounds close like magic, but the relentless onslaught of projectiles overwhelmed any recovery the Sunflowers managed. It was short, but Melissa was already shivering with pent-up nerves as the sunflowers collapsed, and then vanished into familiar strange yellow particles.

They vanished just like that Acorn… what does that mean?

~Good, veeeery good,~ Izzy said as Cookies lumbered into the clearing, having patiently lumbered behind them. The imp giggled gleefully, and Melissa could practically imagine the imp kicking their feet as they gushed, ~Now, where are you, you big sunny losers?! Cookies has an extra special treat for you!!~

There was silence, and Izzy huffed. ~Fine. You wanna be that way? Let's go wreck more sun spots! Round the bend we go!~

Zachary cheered. “Yippee! Fights! Come on Meh-liss-ah!”

With Cookies thumping after them, explosive payload in hand, the foot soldier swiftly took Melissa with her around the factory. Two more times, they swiftly found sunflowers and more blinding sunspots, and with extreme prejudice took them all down. Even if the sunflowers seemed to be anticipating them better this time, some already planting down to unleash angry beams of burning hot sunlight at the zombies (which Melissa took extra care to avoid), they couldn’t withstand the battle-thirsty Zachary or Leslie’s unwavering focus. Cookies wasn’t left out of the action either, the gargantuar solidly walking against the burning hot bursts of sun to simply backhand the sunflowers with the bomb. It was slow, but most certainly effective as the sunflowers stuck in craters on the wall could attest to.

Melissa herself was just focused on just helping where she could. Despite her vow to avoid getting in the line of fire, it was hard to not to with how much closer the fight was this time compared to her Washy-escorting duties. And she didn’t have to get hit with those sunbeams to know that they had to hurt . Even with Zachary holding onto her tight (and seemingly ever tighter as the soldier glanced over to her, eyes focused in a way she’d not seen before), Melissa still had her Unkind Rewind and ammo to spare.

Wherever she could, she would blindside Sunflowers with a hard disc to throw them off aim. For ones that planted down to unleash the literal sun lasers of doom, they were easy sitting ducks for a quick scoop and toss of sand – as it turned out, sand and faces blasting raw sunlight didn’t mix as the Sunflowers would sneeze and rub their irritated eyes, leaving them sitting ducks for a well-placed gunshot or a massive meaty paw to swat them out of the ground.

It was… easy. Too easy, a sentiment that Izzy seemed to share as the imp grumbled incoherently over the walkie. 

After the third destroyed sunspot, the imp shouted, ~Okay, this is ridiculous! Where is that lazy monarch when you want to assassinate them?~

“I think maybe they suspect that this has been a trap the entire time,” Melissa pointed out. 

~Even so, I know my sunflowers well enough! With that many sunspots wrecked, even the nicest ones are going to be foaming at the mouth, not even counting the Sunflower Queen herself!~ 

“Something must be going on,” Leslie murmured, the scientist shaking loose bits of goo from the nozzles of their shotgun. “There were already so many sunflowers present, enough to drive those cultists back indoors. It feels… too convenient that the battle has turned out so straightforward.”

Cookies suddenly let out a few questioning grumbles too low pitched for her translator to pick up other than as a few disjointed half-words fading into gobbledygook. 

~Huh? You notice something Cookies?~

The gargantuar nervously looked around, an expression of fear that seemed out of place on the indomitable mass of undead muscle. 

~...What do you mean you feel ‘funny rumbles?’~

Cookies opened his maw to respond-

But never got a chance to as the ground abruptly shook and without warning-!

KRAKOOOOOOM!

A massive evergreen sprouted right under Cookies’ feet, growing to at least tens of feet tall in mere seconds. He barely even got to let out a deep bellow of surprise before he was immediately flying far too high into the sky to be heard, rags and bomb and all. By a miracle the branches pulling out the trunk didn’t clip the trio, leaving them to stare at where the gargantuar was in dead silence.

~...Well fudge. That complicates things.~

And of course, that was the moment where shrill war cries began to echo around them, seemingly coming from everywhere. A stampede of rustling leaves unseen but loud echoed, harsh and scratchy edges of weeds mingling with the pat pats of softer Sunflower leaves. There were hints of glowing yellow light shimmering from seemingly every corner. 

Melissa tensed up, and she found herself pressing up against Zachary as the soldier trained his gun all around, eyes darting to take in every seeming possible direction the sounds were coming from.

“Oh, those conniving weeds! ” Leslie swore. “I knew there was something awry! The cowards were just waiting for Cookies to get disposed of before picking the rest of us off!”

Melissa looked around wide eyed, mimicking Zachary’s actions as she backed up against the foot soldier. “Wh-what are we supposed to do! The entire plan was the bomb, wasn’t it!?”

Zachary remained stoically quiet, a glint of red shimmering in his yellow-green eyes as his body tensed in preparation.

The imp herself was silent for a long moment, radio crackling as the trio waited for her to say something as the war cries closed in ever closer. Izzy sighed, and then… immediately perked back up. ~Y’know, this situation sucks… But then that’s what Plan B is for!~

“What do you mean Plan B?!” Melissa squawked. “Cookies and your bomb are nowhere to be seen!”

~Well, it’s just as simple as my first plan!~ Izzy chided. ~You’re surrounded by plants, but you got guns. You blast them to bits, and shred that Queen yourself!~

“Wh-what! You’re serious!?!”

~What, I’m working with what I got! Are you saying you don’t believe in yourselves? Cause I do! Mostly!~ Izzy cackled. ~And Soldier boy said it best earlier – Rocket to face!~

Leslie didn’t bother with looking frustrated. The scientist just reset their shotgun to its spread out formation and grunted. “Well, we’re already in the mess… we’ll just have to make our own way out of it.”

Melissa looked over to Zachary. The soldier chewed on the inside of his cheek, before smirking. The zombie grinned over at Melissa. “Do you truzt me Meh-liss-ah?”

“I-I mean…” Melissa hesitated, then nodded. “I… yes, yes I trust you.”

Zachary flipped his gun and caught it in his gnarled hands with ease, the cool focus giving way for excitement. “Then truzt that thiz is gonna be fun!”

~Yeah, that’s the attitude!~ Izzy shared in Zachary’s excitement, even as Melissa felt herself grow cold with dread and adrenaline mixing into a noxious mess. 

~C’mon buckethead, live a little!~ Izzy shouted. ~I mean, how often can a zombie say they managed to take down a Sunflower Queen?~

There was suddenly a rumble, and a sudden increase in heat in the empty factory space the trio stood in. Melissa’s hand lashed out to grasp onto Zachary’s shoulder as she quaked, but somehow only she was the only one not afraid. The zombie smiled back at her, even as a spark of bloodlust lit up his eyes in unholy fashion.

Izzy chuckled darkly. ~Well, speak of her and she will appear… Get ready!~ 

Just as Cookies had erupted from the ground like a necrotic geyser, the ground shook and rumbled with dirt spraying upward. This time, the eruption was accompanied with a brilliant yellow-gold and white light glowing beneath the soil that only became more intense by the second. As the other zombies prepped their weapons, Melissa dug her nails into her palms and forced herself to breathe.

Don’t panic. Don’t panic.

Zachary’s here, and he promised to keep you safe.

You’ll be fine, so long as you stay focused and don’t hesitate like last time.

Melissa swallowed, then slowly raised the Unkind Rewind toward the glowing mound in mirror of Zachary’s blaster and Leslie’s goo shotgun, her backpack and the ammunition in her pocket weighing like lead.

You dug your grave Melissa, now you gotta lay in it.

The ground heaved, and even with herself composed it took all of Melissa’s willpower to not flinch as the glow became unbearable, then-

BOOM!

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

A magnificent yellow-gold petaled head burst forth, mouth open in a battle cry that was still light and airy like most Sunflower voices, but now made ethereal. A pair of luminescent yellow eyes stared balefully at the zombies and definitely-not-petrified buckethead as a thick stem followed suit beneath it. Strange glowing shapes shifting within the stem were covered by two protective leaves. Two stem “arms” ending in sun-shaped orbs swung freely, radiating sunshine and intent to bludgeon. With one last heave, the plant’s bottom leaves and roots emerged to plant firmly against the ground with earthshaking impact.

All was still for a moment, aside from the echoing war cries of the incoming Sunflower and Weed horde. The Sunflower Queen glowered at them as Zachary smirked and Leslie sneered. Melissa gulped, eyes transfixed at the plant that was somehow just as big as Cookies what the hay!?! Sweat dripped down her brow, but she dared not let her fear show on her face as the Sunflower Queen surveyed the intruders in her space.

Then-

“The conniving imp has sent stooges in her stead?” The Sunflower Queen spoke , her voice every bit as regal as the flower looked. The sunflower scoffed. “Such a paltry array of Zomboss’ fetid creations sent to take me out. If you believe you’re enough to take this entire forest for the zombies… you are mistaken.”

Melissa couldn’t help it. Her jaw dropped, and she blurted, “Wait, you can talk?! Normally?”

The Sunflower Queen blinked in surprise, her aloof demeanor breaking for just a second as Melissa gaped at her. She was quick to recover, and the flower humphed. “So, some of you are smart enough to speak English? Quaint.” The flower sneered. “At least this shivering little Buckethead has the intelligence, even if they ask such a stupid question of royalty. I thought my words would be lost to you empty headed louts.”

Leslie growled at the insult, and then hissed back with his voice cracking and breaking like gravel, “Zomboss’ best… don’t deign to speak to filthy weeds either.” 

It took a moment for Melissa to register that Leslie wasn’t speaking “Brainz” or any such iteration for her zombie translator to process. The scientist had spoken English, actual English , and she shuddered at just how raspy Leslie’s real voice was without the helpful filter of the translator. Nothing could disguise the sheer disgust oozing from Leslie’s rotten lips. Even the Sunflower Queen jolted back in surprise at the sheer vitriol.

There was a beat of shock, then the flower's face hardened. “Then so be it.”

The Sunflower Queen’s face glowed, as blazingly bright as the real sun, and then it all fell to chaos .

Chapter Text

The battle began with earnest as sunflowers poured in from every angle, jumping off of shipping containers and weaving out from the errant trees growing through concrete with sunbeams already firing. The Sunflower Queen herself reared back, and unleashed a stream of fire less like the burning sparks of sunshine from the regular Sunflowers but more giant glowing bombs of light.

The trio scattered, Zachary leaping aside with a well-timed burst from his rocket launcher, and before he even landed he hunched over with the canister on his back beeping. A giant rocket flew out and exploded against the Sunflower Queen, making it shriek in pain and rage at the first blood drawn. The soldier was swift to immediately begin peppering the giant flower with pellets, battle fever already settling upon the soldier as he laughed maniacally.

Leslie, who’d dodged aside with a well-timed teleport, turned his attention to the swarm, peppering a doorway the sunflowers were emerging from with some of the strange sticky purple grenades Melissa had seen before switching to his shotgun. The grenades were quick to burst with the horde of plants at that entrance, and it left Leslie free to immediately start thinning one side without his other getting torn apart. 

Melissa’s response to the first shots was… not nearly so well planned. She didn’t so much evade the Sunflower Queen’s attacks as much as she just tripped out of the way, barely getting out of range as the blast of heat sent her clothes fluttering. She face planted in the sandy dirt, and she barely scrambled to her feet before even more sunbursts could pepper where her head was. Barely seconds in, and Melissa was already feeling winded.

Melissa scrambled to her feet, chest heaving as she surveyed her surroundings. Zachary had successfully drawn the Sunflower Queen into an intense one-on-one brawl, with the queen furiously fixated on the soldier hopping about like a deranged cricket. Sunflowers were attempting to help the queen, with luminescent yellow streams of light from their leafy ‘hands’ streaming to briefly patch up the numerous yellow-stained holes on her body. However, Leslie was proving to be exceptionally adept at making any Sunflowers trying to be medic regret their choices. No Sunflower could land more than a few hits on him (if any at all) before the scientist was gone in a burst of smoke and right by them with a deranged grin and a nozzle full of noxious ooze. 

That left a scattering of Sunflowers and weeds on the outskirts who were (understandably) nervous about joining in the fight without getting absolutely demolished by the battle-crazed zombies. That left  them inevitably looking over to none other than Melissa herself with baleful eyes 

They began to approach, almost in slow motion to her eyes. Melissa’s heart felt ready to jump out of her chest as adrenaline surged. Time slowed as her body screamed at her to run in the opposite direction, and she looked around trying to think of something. 

For crying out loud Melissa, stop complicating it!

 Her hand tightened as glowing faces turned right at her, but she ground her teeth and planted her feet in what she hoped was a battle ready stance.

You’re not Zachary, but you have a gun!

So stop standing there like a moron and JUST SHOOT THINGS!

The Unkind Rewind sang as Melissa erratically began shooting at the approaching Sunflowers. She also began to run in as confusing a zig-zag as she could in the enclosed space. Her aim was nowhere near as good as it was compared to the mini-fight she had around Washy – her erratic moving and arm bouncing was certainly not helping – but even as most of the discs thumped uselessly into the dirt it at least tagged a few of the weaker weeds. Burning hot sunbeams flew wide of her, and it seemed as though the Sunflowers were surprised by how quick she was if their wide eyes were any judge. But they were unfortunately quick to adapt, and the sunbeams grew more accurate.

Her nerves gave out as a sunbeam hit her bucket, making it ring. The new spot of heat warmed the back of her head and raised sweat on the back of her neck.

Yeah, nope! Cover please!

Melissa abandoned the fancy running. Instead she threw her head down and bolted for the nearest cover available: the protruding wall of one of the neighboring factory side buildings. Her back itched, practically anticipating the moment burning sunlight would scorch her. And thankfully, none did as she dove for the open doorway. Sheslid on her stomach before crawling the rest of the way around into the dark corner right by the entrance. She pressed up against the metal walls, and peeked outside to see the Sunflowers and a few remaining weeds approaching at top speed, the Sunflower Queen now far off in the background rampaging toward the near constant stream of bullets. She scowled.

Figures. I just look like cannon fodder, they probably don’t feel the least bit threatened to keep following me.

Melissa snatched a pack of ammo out of her pocket and slapped it into the Unkind Rewind, then checked her pocket. She grimaced at the number remaining.

Only four left?

The fifth is already loaded, and I know each pack has… about 25 shots each? Wait, how the hay did they manage to make floppy discs that compressed?

Focus Melissa, focus. Five total ammo packs, 25 each… that means I have a total of 125 shots to spare.

It took me at least four to five shots to take down just a normal Weed, and I can imagine that Sunflowers are at least a bit more durable. If I keep doing what I was doing just now… I’ll waste all my ammo just hitting nothing and then I’ll be up Shipp’s Creek with no paddle.

Melissa breathed, forcing her shaking hands to still.

Focus, focus.

You may not be able to zip around like Leslie, or jump around like Zachary, but you have a brain. You can think.

Melissa collected herself, and even as the sounds of battle pricked at her composure like so many termites eating a house, she at least pushed down the panic.

You took down some of those weeds to thin down that group, and now you have cover. Cover is good – I can shoot safely until they reach me, but then I can just find more cover. My ability to run instead of shamble is my best friend here.

Melissa breathed. It was as solid a plan as she could come up with.

Gingerly, she peeked around the corner with the Unkind Rewind at the ready. She nearly launched herself back at just how close the plants already were, but she bit back her instinct to scream and run and instead squeezed the trigger as she angled the Rewind out of the door.

Snick snick!

It was much easier to aim while standing still, and this time her shots landed more true. The already damaged weeds were swiftly mowed down, and the sunflowers recoiled at the painful impact of the discs. The smarter plants (aka the sunflowers) were swift to peel away out of Melissa’s eyesight, leaving just the persistent weeds. 

Alas, a clip could only last so long, and Melissa backpedaled away from the door before any thorny mace hands could impact her. The room was sparse in the center with only several wooden shipping boxes and a metal door, but it was big enough to move around. She fished a fresh clip from her pocket and slammed it into the Rewind, and raised her weapon once more as the remaining wave of weeds pushed their way inside… or at least attempted to.

The brutish plants were snapping and smacking each other as they fought to be the first through the doorway, thoroughly ignorant that they were making themselves into a big green barricade against themselves. Melissa raised her eyebrow, and lowered the weapon to more thoroughly take in the sight. 

This group was more varied than before: while some were “naked”, some weeds had terracotta pots on their heads in a peculiar mirror of Melissa’s disguise. One had a flag with a cutesy sun stenciled on that was currently being used to jab another weed right in the eye. There was even one with a big leaf shield fruitlessly being crammed against the door frame. They all were as ugly and aggressive as the weeds from the park… and they all definitely shared the same singular brain cell as they reenacted a Three Starches skit right before Melissa.

“Well, I’m not going to complain,” she muttered to herself as she lined up her next shot. Starting with the ones in the back, with rapid – though surprisingly languid – succession a floppy disc burrowed its way into each weed’s ugly face until the last one fell unmoving. So occupied they were with trying to be the first to rush her, they didn’t even register Melissa taking her sweet time to gun them down.

…Should I be concerned that I’m no longer feeling guilty about killing weeds?

 There was a beat of silence, and Melissa let herself regain her breath. The sounds of blaster fire and the high-pitched trill of sunbeams scorching metal and earth were still loud even a full room away, and she cringed at the sound of an explosion. She looked down to see her hands trembling like leaves in the breeze – whether it was from the rush or the fear, she couldn’t tell.

She wiped her forehead and sighed out loud, “I… guess that wasn’t so bad?”

Her sentence was promptly punctuated by a burst of sunbeams skimming right by her head. A loose strand of hair that escaped from under the bucket immediately burst into acrid smoke, and Melissa gagged and spun about to see-

Of flipping course Melissa you dolt. The sunflowers weren’t retreating, they were going to the other side where there isn’t a horde of stupid weeds blocking them!

The gaggle of angry sunflowers that had been chasing her were now in the other doorway. And somehow, she doubted they were going to get themselves conveniently stuck in the doorframe.

“...Can we talk about this?” Melissa squeaked as a dozen angry black-dot eyes pointed at her.

The sun blasts that peppered the floor at her feet were answer enough. Wheezing and cursing, Melissa found herself rushing to one of the crate piles in the room and heaving herself over the lowest one, ducking behind it as more sunbeams blasted right for her head. 

Melissa peeked back over, yelped and then ducked as she saw the sunflowers planting in. A ravaging beam of light went over her head, burrowing into the wall and heating the air up to sweltering temperatures. The beam lasted for several seconds, the sheer light making Melissa shield her eyes as she hunkered down. Her back and neck was drenched in sweat when the beam finally stopped. Melissa dared to look over the box once more…

And beheld a sunflower glaring right at her.

“GAH!”

Entirely by instinct, Melissa’s fist rose up and slammed into the flower violating her personal space. The sharp prickle of pointy seeds scratched her knuckles, and the sunflower let out a wail of surprise and toppled over. Melissa hissed and shook her fist – who’d think sunflower seeds could sting so much? – before ducking from a retaliatory sun blast from a different indignant Sunflower. 

Melissa peered in between the boxes to see one Sunflower producing a glowing yellow beam that filled in the little fallen clumps of seeds that fell out from the flower that she’d decked. She grimaced. This was NOT a good position in the slightest – if she tried jumping out of this corner, she wouldn’t have any time to do any “fancy” dodging before getting laid flat by the scorching fury of the sun. Popping up her head did let her surprise them… but somehow she didn’t doubt those weird vine limbs could be used to vault those boxes too so they could blast her face.

She chanced another glance upward, praying that maybe some solution would rear its head. Her eyes were suddenly drawn to the metal door as it creaked open slowly to reveal a red-and-white painted Dummy cultist, the goofy foam-finger spring hat wobbling as they peeked out at the teeming mass of sunflowers angrily prancing like frilly yellow sharks. They flinched as they made eye contact with her over the edge of the box.

“Hey, are you going to HELP ?” Melissa loudly hissed.

A beat, then the cult zombie shook their head, made a peace sign and walked backward out of sight. There was the slamming of the metal door a few seconds later.

“...Buttwipes,” she muttered before punching another Sunflower who drew just a touch too close. She took a few pot shots, but didn’t take out any other Sunflowers before she ducked another flurry of scorching sun.

The sweat on her hands was definitely not just from the burning heat of sunbeams anymore. Crap, what am I supposed to do! I’m down to just three ammo packs, those sunflowers heal any damage I deal to them… I think I put myself up the creek with no paddle this time-!

PAPAPAPAPAPA!

The sudden sound of blaster fire that tore through her train of thought just then was the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard. The Sunflowers yelped, but the sound of sun blasts only lasted a few moments before there was a rapid-fire series of thumps. The sound of shuffling feet drew close, and then Zachary’s helmeted head was peeking over the box.

“There you are!” The foot soldier reached out a hand, brow creased in worry. Melissa grabbed his hand and was hauled back up to her feet and then pulled over the box to stand back on the other side. The soldier gave her a sharp look as she dusted off her front, and suddenly she felt like she did in school one time when the teacher caught her trying to pet one of the stray cats that frequented around the school.

“Meh-liss-ah, I can’t do protecting if you halfway across factory!” Zachary exclaimed. “What was you doing?”

“Sorry about that, I was just getting chased by a whole bunch of plants,” Melissa apologized. A snarl started to form on Zachary’s face, and she quickly added, “But! You took down the other plants, and I didn’t get hit. My bucket just got a bit dented, that’s all.”

Zachary walked around her, squinting in scrutiny, then sighed. “Okie, I guess you okay. But don’t disappear again, you scared the brainz out of me when I looked and didn’t zee you!”

“Yeah, I really don’t want to be on my own again…” Melissa shuddered. “Wait, weren’t you fighting the Queen?”

“Yez… but she ztopped taking damage, and just sat down in dirt to stare at ceiling,” Zachary scowled. “Izzy said over radio that she waz making new sun spots? So we have to find it before we all explode. Can you stay with me so we do it?”

Melissa nodded. “I’ll try and help… but I’m running out of ammo.”

“Mm, maybe me or Leslie can look in boxes for more,” Zachary shrugged. “Or you throw stink bombs. I got plenty.”

He fished into his pockets and pulled out a small metal canister with a pin that he pressed into Melissa’s hand without the Unkind Rewind. “Uh, sure, I can do that,” Melissa nodded as she gingerly put it in her pants pocket not full of ammunition.

Zachary nodded, and with a tilt of his head they were both heading out the room. The sun spot was easy enough to find, the radiance it emitted. Melissa hardly needed to raise a finger before Zachary had lasered it down, along with every other Sunflower that had attempted to guard it. 

Doing her best to avert the eyes from the crumpled plants on the floor, slowly oozing gloop from the bullet wounds in them ( this is fine this is fine you’re just defending yourself ), Melissa squeezed closer to Zachary as the soldier’s radio crackled to life.

~Sweet, you got the last sunspot!~ Izzy exclaimed. ~Oh hey, the buckethead’s not dead! For a second I thought you were going out to dry!~

“And that is an experience I’m not going to let repeat,” Melissa sniped back.

~Mmm, I’m just saying you were cutting it close!~

“Whatever. Zachary, does that mean you have to take on the Queen again?” Melissa again looked at her increasingly miniscule ammunition. 

The foot soldier nodded. “Yes. It best if you help Leslie and take out weeds so I can explode stupid Queen. He will stick near me so I can always help you fast. And you can ask him for sticky bombs, you can help place them!”

“...Sure, that works,” Melissa mumbled, tearing her eyes (and thoughts) away from the plant bodies dissolving into unexplainable golden motes ( Again . What was going on with that?). “Lead the way.”

Zachary tugged her along once again, this time to the room where Leslie had mere hours before had been held prisoner. The cage by the tree was still there – though now in pieces – and Leslie was already present darting around the increasingly apoplectic Sunflower Queen. 

The supersized sunflora glowed with celestial fury as a burst of light escaped its face, and it yelled in frustration as Leslie puffed away before it could even hit them. The scientist glanced over in their direction, and startled at the duo.

“Oh, Melissa you’re alive!” The scientist meeped and teleported away from a swing of the Queen’s hefty mace-hands. “Quick, Zachary! Keep the Queen pinned and I’ll clear out her medics!”

Zachary saluted, and immediately peppered the Queen’s face with a hail of yellow pellets. “Okie, but you protect Meh-lissa!” 

Melissa backed up closer to Leslie as the scientist reloaded his weapon, gripping the stink bomb in her hand. Her heart picked up now that she was so much closer to the fight, and the bulk of the Sunflower Queen was merely across the room. She gripped the Unkind Rewind’s strap tighter, suddenly feeling the lesser weight of her ammunition even more potently than ever before. “Um… Leslie, I don’t suppose you have more of those floppy discs?”

The scientist paused in his firing to glance over. “No, I only brought just enough ammo for one or two fights if my shotgun was broken. I guess we could try to see if the factory has any more ammo… but I doubt it. Just make sure that ammunition counts, alright?”

“Oh, good. Great ,” Melissa gritted out. She eyed the stink bomb. “...I don’t suppose you know how to use this?”

“Oh, is that from Zachary? How convenient!” Leslie swiftly grabbed it from her grasp and yeeted it at the furthest point. A cloud of foul purple stench and coughing plants soon followed. “Much appreciated, Melissa! Would you mind covering my other direction while I thin out these Sunflowers?”

“Uh, sure,” Melissa mumbled. She attempted to press a little closer to the scientist, but he was already moving forward. She stumbled, then ground her teeth and pulled up the Unkind Rewind to blast at the weeds trying to enter from one way, fingers crossed that there would be no stray bullets coming her way. 

Fate, it seems, had deemed that she would be fortunate. The majority of sunflowers were either attempting to back up their queen or trying to get rid of the harassing scientist, leaving Melissa to deal with the dregs. Of course, said dregs were speedy hordes of prickly, angry weeds doing their utmost best to flood the doors even if it meant tripping on top of one another and generally being nuisances to themselves. But Melissa would count her blessings while she could.

Now that she was this close to the thick of the fight, Melissa couldn’t help but look closely at the fight between Zachary and the Queen which she’d missed earlier. The cacophony that she’d only heard earlier was a paltry substitute for what she was beholding, and she nearly stopped firing altogether just to gawk.

Zachary was an absolute menace, twisted feet dancing about on the ground evading the queen’s vicious advance. The blaster blazed in his hand, only pausing as Zachary reloaded. Unlike Melissa’s clumsy handling of the Rewind, the canisters of yellow pellets were in the gun and being fed out rapid-fire before the used canisters even hit the dirt. 

The foot soldier had the biggest grin on his face as he evaded the increasingly irate Queen, hardly flinching even as a measly single ray of light from a desperate sunflower struck him on the shoulder. Melissa couldn’t stop the sneer from forming on her face before planting a disc in-between its eyes, stunning it and leaving it for Leslie’s uncompromising barrage of goo.

“You ANNOY me, PEST!” The queen boomed as Zachary hopped over another blindingly bright blast of sun that left a small crater in the sand. “Cease this resistance!”

Zachary gargled something that Melissa could barely hear over the din, but it was clearly something mocking as the Queen bellowed. “Why must Zomboss endeavor to make you such plagues!?”

“Melissa! Focus please!” Leslie squawked in annoyance as a loose pod shot by a Wildflower coasted by Melissa’s distracted eyes and covered the zombie’s wild mane of hair in yellow powder.

She flushed and yelled, “Sorry!” and resumed carefully peppering weeds with her dwindling store of ammunition. As the Rewind (and her pocket as she reloaded) grew ever lighter, her worries slowly grew bit by bit. This was not the intimidating but singular group of weeds she’d triumphed over back with Washy and just before, but a continual wave that replaced every head fell with three more. Even as the zombie’s battle fervor seemed no less diminished, Melissa could feel her mustered courage dwindling bit by bit.

“Hey, can you tell how close this Queen is to actually dying?” Melissa yelled back at Leslie. “I’m almost out of discs!”

“Let me see!” Leslie paused his frenetic zipping to spare a look at Zachary and the Queen’s spar. “...I can’t quite tell, she’s taken a beating but she seems as alive as ever. Or maybe that’s just the sheer rage.”

That seemed an apt assessment. If the Queen had blood like a human, Melissa didn’t doubt that her entire face would be as red as a tomato. She only seemed to grow even more furious as Leslie teleported away once more to slay sunflowers left and right with Melissa’s slow assistance and with every missed shot on the foot soldier.

With one more stream of pellets to the face, she finally hit a breaking point.

“ENOUGH!”

The Sunflower Queen’s booming voice echoed in the hollow metal room. Zachary’s hopping stopped as the zombie soldier braced themselves against the pulse of power that emanated from the plant monarch, smile falling as the soldier tensed. Eyes alight, she uttered something not in English but in the chirping Plant language all the other sunflowers used. 

In unison with hardened eyes, a pair of sunflowers that had managed to survive Leslie’s sabotage planted into the ground with artsy twirls. Their faces lit up, and Zachary’s own fell. The jetpack on his back sputtered to life as he made to hide around the other side of the massive tree in the middle of the room, but he couldn’t outrace the dual beams of scorching sunlight.

Zachary let out a guttural snarl of pain as all his body not covered by his jetpack was burnt by sunlight. He stumbled forward and leaned against the tree, panting in pain as the fabric on his back smoldered. The stench of burning, moldering flesh made Melissa’s throat well up in horror.

“Oh my god, Zach!” Melissa immediately rushed toward him. “Are you alright?”

The foot soldier reared up his head, eyes flashing in alarm. “NO! Stay back!”

Melissa hesitated in shock at the harsh rebuke, but the reason became clear as Zachary wheeled about to blast the sunflowers now pursuing him. She flinched and dropped down to the ground to avoid the spattering of sunbeams that just missed the soldier, shivering in fear. Despite her fear and the valiant effort of the sunflowers, Zachary was swift to gun them down. 

Zachary momentarily lowered his arm to look at Melissa, worry creasing his face. In that instant there was a weight of experience behind those bugged out eyes that had no right to contain so much of. “I could hear them flanking. You need to keep safer.”

“I… okay,” Melissa nodded mutely, eyes wide. Her eyes momentarily returned to the smoldering fabric of Zachary’s uniform and the fading but still potent smell of burning meat. “We… we need to call Leslie back over here!”

“Ah, it’s fine, I can work in a few more shots before my body starts fixy-fixy,” Zachary rolled his shoulders. “Let me ju-”

Melissa blanched as the Sunflower Queen suddenly rounded the tree, thick leaves moving with silent grace as her entire body glowed with heavenly fury. One arm was already raised, and swung with enough speed to make the air whistle.

Melissa gaped, and screamed, “LOOK OUT!”

And yet…

Too little too late.

Zachary yelped as the orb slammed into him. Melissa heard the snap of something breaking as his body folded around the organic mace, and he was sent into the wall. 

THUD.

He slumped down bonelessly, unmoving. The blaster hung from his hands, limp with only a twitch or two until they too ceased all motion.

The world stopped .

Color and sound fled Melissa’s senses. All warmth fled her body, a horde of goosebumps crawling up her arms. Melissa froze, sand digging into her skin as she could do nothing but stare.

Did he-

No. No it possibly couldn’t. He was doing so well and this is.. This is just…

Something caustic rose in her throat, cold acidic fingers seizing her insides and nerves. She couldn’t stop staring.

No. No nononononononononononono this isn’t real this can’t be happening.

She stared at Zachary’s body slumping over, falling over to rest listlessly on the ground.

She stared at Z̵̳̄e̷͓̒l̴͙̓'̶̰̈́s̴̻̀ body as it slumped over, head tilting over an arm that w̸͖͆a̸̳̍s̷̱̄ ̸͍̓n̴̺̕ȍ̴̗ ̴̯͒l̶̛̙o̸̻͗n̶̗̔g̷͔̓e̴̛̱r̷̹̂ ̴̥́t̸̯͊h̸͖͝e̴̤̿r̸̩̊e̶̅ͅ.̷̀ͅ.̴͖̥͎̝͗͜

She stared as the sounds of shuffling leaves drew closer in increments dragging on for decades.

She stared as t̶͎̀h̴̙͊e̵͔͠ ̸̜̉c̵̗̍ȟ̴͓ò̵͖m̶̼͊p̸͉̓ȩ̶́r̶͔͒ shuffled over now with thick violet-green leaves, purple gums and steak knife teeth speckled with b̸̖̐l̸̼̏o̷͖͌o̶͇͝d̸͕̅.̵̢̢̪̝͙͎̝͍̝͍̜͈̀͌͋̋̇̇̈́͑͊͗ͅ

Melissa was shaking. Every part of her was empty, utterly empty, empty and useless.

Melissa was sitting utterly useless, pea vines wrapping around her as P̵̛̰e̷͔̓a̷͒͜s̷̞̆l̸̯̽e̴̳͗ỹ̸̭ hissed into her ear.

Zachary was so still. Why was he still so still?

Ż̸͜é̶̘l̸͔̅ was so still. You could barely tell that she if she was é̷͕ṿ̶̈ë̵̬́n̸̩͒ ̵͕̒s̵̪͌t̶̻͋ȋ̶͇l̷̦̿l̷͔̅ ̷̯̾b̶̙̽r̸͓͆e̴̲͒a̶̦̎t̷̝͠h̴̜̄ǐ̶̺ṋ̷͗g̶̜̅ ̴̓ͅa̴̟̔t̵͔̐ ̶͇̎á̴̦l̴̛͚l̶̨̈́.̴̰̄

Something cold, dark, and terrible was rising in her, seizing her with its claws. It was something old, a bilious thing that made her skin burn and muscles seize that Melissa had thought had long exhausted itself in the days and hours after everything had happened. 

By habit, there was already wall erecting itself in her mind as the black bile in her mind surged, one conditioned and trained by hours and days of fake apologies, empty platitudes, waiting and waiting for someone to tell her that she was dreaming. But no wall could dull the roaring in her ears as everything went blank .

And then-

A brush of leaves along the back of her head. Faintly, they seemed to be trying to tap her on the shoulder, maybe to take off the bucket to more easily take care of the prone “zombie”.

Scratchy leaves.

L̷͕̈́e̷̠̞̋͝a̸͖̐̀v̷̩̔́e̵̥͑s̵͉̲̉̏ ̵̼̻̄l̴̲̪̈́̽í̷͖̗͝k̵̲̝̿̚e̶̯͑̽ ̷̜̤͌̔P̸̰͖̅͠ę̴̫͂a̴̱̮̎͐s̵̳̻̃̈ḽ̵̫̅ḛ̵͎̃͝y̴̰̗̎͝'̸̧̘̏s̶̢͋̀.̷͎͗

That was all it took to b r e a k.
“You.” 

Melissa snarled as she turned around, her hand already up and seizing a pale-green stem in a vice grip. Ţ̶̑͂h̸̦͛e̶̡͎̍̚ ̷̻̓p̶̮̌̃ḻ̷̉ȧ̵̫̹̉ń̶͈ț̷̥͆͐ squeaked, its features a blur of green and yellow before red-veined, hazel eyes boiling .

“You killed him,” Melissa hissed, her voice rising to a howl . “YOU KILLED HIM !”

P̴̣͂e̷̥̚ă̶̻s̷͎̊l̸͎̔ḛ̴̈́y̵̧͝ began to wheeze as her hand squeezed, and their face momentarily began to glow in an attempt to fight back. By pure instinct, the glow didn’t surpass more than a faint suggestion of ġ̸̡ľ̷̡o̷͖͠w̶͎̋i̶̲͊n̶̫̋g̷̗̿,̶̣̽ ̵̞͋s̵͉̕ṯ̵̀ä̵̩́t̸͇͗i̸͇̎c̸̯̅ ̵̨́p̶̼̾e̷͙̍ḁ̸̑s̵̤͂ ( he didn’t use s̴͖̼̉̿ứ̴̘͙ṉ̸͖̃, did he? ) before Melissa’s free hand was already swinging and smashing into its face. The light dissipated as it let out a pained scream, something green and brown splattering.

Something hit her from behind and Melissa stumbled enough for h̴̺̭͚̲͈͊̐͝i̵̞̎̒͒͝m̴̧̻͚̮̃̓͆̾̕ͅ to slip out of her grasp. Faintly, she could feel a forming welt on her back and a faint trickle of blood under her shirt, but she couldn’t even be bothered to look behind at whatever had struck her. 

All that mattered was P̷͉͂͑ͅe̸͇̞̐͒a̸̳̋s̵̹̾͑l̴̗̄̓e̶͉̜̽͋y̸͚͚̓.

“ You KILLED HIM! ”

Like a rabid dog, she found herself falling upon the struggling form of Ṕ̷̼ế̶̩á̷̻s̴̃͠ͅl̴̑͜e̷̞͆y̵̳̺̔͠ and hitting them before they could retaliate. Over and over her fists slammed into h̵̤̮͇͎͒̾̍͐̒ȉ̸̧̗s̵̐͜ face, pounding and pounding with no end and no purpose. The coiling, vicious thing in her hissed in malicious satisfaction, calling for yet more as a pit continued opening up in her mind.

Her knuckles were stinging from sharp, needle tooth-pricks digging into them, and her arm muscles screamed as she pushed them with the same fury as a steroid-jacked boxer, but it didn’t matter.

“ YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED HIM!”

Melissa couldn’t tell if she was laughing or sobbing. No, all that mattered was P̷̱̄́̐ȅ̵̖̣̀ả̵̧̭͔̆s̷̗̹͐͑̽l̸̗̚e̷̯̖͊̀y̴̺̿ was here, and it was her first and only chance to make him suffer . 

"̷͇̭̐̅Ṁ̷̲̈́ȩ̵̤́́ĺ̴͔͖ị̷͎͒̑s̷̛ͅs̶̲͍̒̚à̷̝́.̸̘̐"̴̺͆̀ͅ

Nothing mattered. Nothing else mattered, because the only ones who did were gone and dead and gone .

“M̸e̵l̴i̶s̷s̴a̷!”

There was a circle of red all around her. Red blood, green stems, light and dying and the sensation of cruel teeth. Always those teeth, piercing flesh and creating m̴̨̺͇̾͆͘͜u̶͔̺̓̚͝͝ȓ̶̢͎͇̦d̸̹͙̺̑́͊ẹ̵͒r̶̫̹͈̎.

Teeth biting into her palm.

Teeth against her knees. 

Teeth against her eyes.

Teeth digging into her skull-

“MELISSA! IT’S DEAD!”

She blinked, and in a rush the color and sound all came back. She nearly choked as all the world reasserted itself, the walls of the factory and the tree in the room and Leslie’s gray eyes burrowing into her. 

 It registered to her that Leslie was gripping both of her hands, the scientist looking concerned and even… scared? 

“Melissa, what just happened? I’ve never heard any zombie scream like that before! Or… well, do that to a plant with anything short of a Weed Buster or being a Gargantuar.”

He grimaced and looked down, and Melissa mindlessly followed his eyes. Her deadened senses blocked her gag reflex as she took in the mess covering the ground and her feet. 

She barely recognized the pulpy mess she was crouched over as something that used to be a Sunflower. The only reason she could was the vague shape of its oval face pounded flat into the ground, and the torn clumps of petals and crushed sunflower seeds scattered. The leaves where Melissa must’ve been stepping on accident were rubbed into a smear of chlorophyll. The only intact part of the flower was the stem, which looked as sad and bare as any plucked flower would. 

I… I did that?

A glance at Melissa’s hands showed that her skin was speckled with crushed sunflower seeds, many sticking into her skin like so many splinters, throbbing like the spot on her back that had gotten her and the flower knocked over (possibly a wildflower pollen sack judging by the ring of yellow around her). The sight before her and the soreness of her arms was the answer that she was dreading.

…I… did do that, didn’t I?

Because… because of…

Short-term memory hit Melissa like a truck. A shaky, gasping breath escaped her, and it was only because of Leslie’s grounding grasp that her entire body didn’t give up the ghost and fall onto the corpse under her to join it in catatonia. 

The scientist shook her hands, gloves squishing against her green-painted skin. “I… suppose your… episode did scare them enough that I could chase the rest of them off. The Queen is off to recoup herself, so we have some opportunity to-”

“How are you this calm?” Melissa choked out. 

Leslie blinked. “Pardon?”

“D-didn’t you see? Didn’t you see!?!” Melissa’s whole body shook with a sob. “Zachary’s dead! He’s dead!”

The scientist perused his lips. “He is, yes.”

Melissa ripped her hands out of Leslie’s grip and seized him by the collar, dragging him up close so she could scream, “He’s dead! I let he- him die! And you’re barely even reacting!”

Leslie’s face briefly flashed with irritation, then realization then steely calm once again. “I see this is… another thing that Gen 1 zombies are unfamiliar with. Yes, he is dead… but not permanently.”

“Wh-what?” Melissa murmured, uncomprehending. 

Leslie peeled her rigid fingers from his coat and tugged her up to her feet. Melissa felt barely able to stand, but stand she did as her arms stuck out uselessly at her sides. The scientist walked over to the b̵͎͚͝ö̷̭̠́d̸̻̊͠y̶̼͒( i̶t̷’̷s̴ ̴n̶o̶t̵ ̸h̶e̸r̶ ̸i̶t̵’̸s̵ ̷n̸o̸t̶ ̴h̵e̶r̶ ̸ b̷u̸t̵ ̸t̶h̶e̵y̶’̴r̶e̵ ̷b̴o̷t̸h̷ ̶d̶e̸a̷d̵)̵, taking the still corpse by their shoulders and propping them back up.

“Now, clearly you are… in an unstable place,” Leslie said, eyeing her as if she were a rabid dog (which wasn’t far from the truth now, was it?). “As loath as I am to use up a Revive pen this early, it’s clearly necessary to keep from another interruption. So, allow me to show you rather than waste time talking.”

He reached into his coat and, after a moment of shuffling about in it, pulled out what could be best described as the unholy offspring of an epipen, purple glow stick, and radio antenna glowing as if it were radioactive. With only a minor grunt of effort Leslie pulled off a grayish cap on its end to reveal a silver, sharp needle. He then drove it straight into Zachary’s chest with a fleshy thud that made Melissa jump. 

The violet color in the glow stick-like appendage drained until the syringe-pen thing no longer had a drop of fluid and it stopped glowing. There was a beat, then two, then-

“-OH BRAINZ LESLIE MY BONES!”

Zachary bolted up, eyes bright and very clearly alive.

Melissa's mouth dropped wide enough to let in a swarm of flies. Zachary didn’t look at her yet, glaring at Leslie with annoyance as the zombie flicked away Leslie’s arm with the empty pen syringe. “Why you wait so long to revive? I had to lay there with my bone parts pinching my nur-ons! My eyes and ears weren’t working!”

“It’s not your neurons, it’s your spinal cord, and there was… some unexpected consequences to your vanquishing,” Leslie sighed, dropping the pen into the dirt.

“Leslie, you’re making a weird face, what do you…” Zachary jolted when, unprompted, Melissa lunged forward and collapsed on top of him with a wail.

“ Zachary! Zachary! Oh my god oh sweet Dave I thought you were gone I thought … I thought…! ”

“Uhhhh,” The foot soldier lay prone as Melissa pinned him with her hug, incoherently talking into his shoulder. The soldier patted her on the back, making the wounded spot on her back ache but a reminder that he was alive . “I… happy to see you too Meh-liss-ah? What happen?”

Melissa crushed her face into his uniform, ignoring the protest of her nose and gag reflex against the influx of stench to embrace Zachary’s once-again moving body. She was just aware enough to keep her ears peeled as Leslie spoke. 

“I’m becoming more certain your buckethead friend has been living under a rock until you dug them out. To put it simply, they were exceptionally upset when you were vanquished by the Queen, and do not know about reviving or Respawn.”

“Bwuh?” Zachary gaped. 

Melissa could practically envision Leslie pinching his brow as he sighed, and in a much curter tone said, “Your friend saw you being vanquished and thought it was more… permanent. ”

Zachary stiffened underneath Melissa. Feebly, he mumbled, “... oh. ”

Leslie was quiet for a moment, and the edge to his tone morphed into a harsher yet scowl of disdain. “Figures she’d try this trick again.” The scientist curtly spoke as they stood, spinning the shotgun carousel. “Zachary, pull together your buckethead friend so we can be rid of these menaces. I can handle these forming Sun Spots until then, but don’t take too long.”

He shuffled away, leaving Zachary sitting as Melissa sobbed into his uniform. She was faintly aware of the soldier hunching over her, a hand awkwardly settling onto her back to pat her.

“...Zo… uh, you… you were sad?”

“Sad? Sad?” Melissa finally let Zachary sit up, just so she could take him by the shoulders and shake him like a bobblehead. “I was terrified Zach! You were just sent flying, and you just crumpled up and stopped moving and…!” 

She stopped. Melissa swallowed, tremors wracking her body. “You were dead , just like that.”

Zachary didn’t answer immediately since his eyes were sent (literally) spinning from Melissa’s shaking. A pang of guilt struck her, and she let him go. It took extra long for the zombie’s eyes to not be facing polar opposite directions, but once they leveled off to Zachary’s usual semi-focused, semi-glazed over stare he sighed.

“I… sorry, I forget humans don’t get Zomboss inventions,” Zachary mumbled, looking askance. “If human get hit too hard you just… pop! And then zombie eats brainz. No… no second chance.”

That was a rather gross understatement of what dying was like, but Melissa just nodded and ignored the knot that formed in her gut. 

No second chance indeed. N̶͙̑͑͘ỏ̵̳̯͝t̶̻̼͂ ̵͈̠̗̽ḟ̷͍͇̒͜o̴͖͝r̷̐̓͜ ̸͚̬̐h̴̫͚̺̿͊e̸͕̯̔̌r̶͕͈͓̀, ̴͎͔̾̊ă̶̤̝̬̕ņ̷͕͖̆̽ḍ̵̈́͘͠ ̸̢̦̠̾͠n̴̮̍o̶̬͍͉͝t̶̳̄͛͝ ̷͕͛͊̂f̴͚̍̃o̸̢̺̯̅̈ŗ̵̖͑̀̌ ̵̠̈́͜Z̷̛̞͂ę̶̩̫̓l̴͚͂̂.̵͚̬̘̂͘

The foot soldier continued, “Leslie can explain better becuz he work with Zomboss, but I do my best to zay it.”

Zachary pointed at himself. “There always a lot of zombies, but it take a lot of time to get zombies like me and Leslie smart and not flimsy like browncoats. Zomboss use big head to think of big future plans, and he know he didn’t want to lose soldiers all the time to stinky plants. Zo, he worked very hard and came up with system! It’s called Respawn!”

“Respawn…” Melissa pinched her lips. “Leslie mentioned that word before.”

“Yes, Respawn is system built into very dirt!” Zachary patted the soil as he continued. “It in every Zombie base, every graveyard! If zombie regiztered in Respawn get vanquished by plant, it no problem. Because poof ! Respawn take back zombie, and rebuild!”

It took a moment for Melissa to process what Zachary was saying. After a solid minute of opening her mouth, closing it, and her poor overtaxed brain emitting smoke, she said, slowly. “Let me get this straight. There’s a… magic… technology system thing underground that can just… resurrect you from the dead ?”

Zachary nodded. “Yup!” 

A little more faintly, Melissa asked, “And this can be from… anywhere? You could just… explode or get eaten and… you’d just be brought back?”

“That right! Respawn good enough to bring back zombie from anything!” His look momentarily turned sour. “And then stupid plants copied the idea.”

Melissa looked down, a hand over her mouth. Not only were zombies smarter and stronger than she (and probably a lot of other people) had thought… they’d literally figured out how to resurrect themselves from death a hundred fold, and on a massive scale! Or at least, that was sure what it sounded like – the logical part of her noted that the Respawn was some sort of machine and specific locations they were in indicating there were maybe some restrictions based on that… but theoretically infinite resurrection? If she wasn’t already numb from the emotional turmoil of just a few minutes ago, this would likely have been her breaking point after everything that already had happened in this insane day in the woods.

Half of her was convinced that Zachary was spewing a bunch of hogwash in some attempt to comfort her. But had the zombie ever really lied to her? Zachary was as forthcoming as anyone could be, and the mere fact that he likely wasn’t making a single thing up boggled her mind even more.

Seemingly taking her stunned silence as a prompt to continue, Zachary reached over and took the spent syringe pen Leslie had tossed aside to briefly show to Melissa again. “Of course, it take some time to put zombie back together, then for zombie to run back to fight if there fight, and stuff like that. So we also get Revive, for most vanquishing! It not as good as Respawn… but more easy. You… well, you already saw it.”

Melissa’s prolonged silence made Zachary frown, guilt in his eyes. He tossed the syringe aside and folded his arms over his knees. “Me sorry that I didn’t think to tell you. I just… I normally a lot better at not being stomped by stupid plants. I got a little… what is term? ‘Big for my britches.’” 

His face fell. “I should’ve been more careful.”

Melissa took a deep breath, exhaled, then inhaled again. Zachary’s nervous stare prickled at her awareness as she attempted to calm herself. She could feel her hands trembling still, and just a few minutes of deep breathing was nowhere near enough time to steady her shot nerves, but she could finally hear herself think without the rush of hate or panic overwhelming her.

“I… this is a lot to take in Zach,” Melissa began, slowly. She stopped, and swallowed. “Do you… die? Often?”

Zachary tapped his fingers on his knees, his frown turning more pensive. “Methinks its been a lot. Never bothered to count.”

That just made Melissa’s gut sink even more at the likely incomprehensible number… and inspired just a pang of jealousy.

The zombies – and the plants! – get so many chances to live again, don’t they? They can screw up over and over, and because of some fancy machine they get to come back no matter what!

If the plants had it, why haven’t they let any humans use it? Why not for h̶̲͑e̸͕̾r̶̼͘?

Immediately after though, she tamped down the irrational feelings inside. She had just heard of Respawn and Reviving, and it wasn’t as though Zachary had anything to do with back then. This was not the place for her to start being an idiot… again .

“Zach, I… while that’s all good to know… for the love of Dave you scared me,” Melissa whispered. “Just… please tell me you won’t die again.”

Immediately she knew it was a stupid request. It wasn’t as if Zachary could ask the plants to stop attacking them, could he? But he didn’t seem surprised by her request in the least, something knowing glinting in those drifting pupils. 

“That might be hard… but I can give you zomething to help.”

Zachary momentarily craned his head about to dig in his many pockets, tossing out little bits of trash and suspiciously wet wads until he dug out another Revive pen-thing. It didn’t look nearly so nice as the one Leslie had used on him mere moments ago – it was squatter, with a ugly tan shade instead of clinical grey and looked vaguely chewed on – but it still the same. Zachary handed it over to Melissa.

“Here. It’z for you.”

Melissa blinked. “I… why are you giving me this?”

“To revive me if I mess up and die again,” Zachary said, a faint if fragile grin on his face as she took it with shaking hands. “Only scientist like Leslie get the extra-strong ones because they smart enough to not drink or sit on them… but all elites get a few for emergenzies.”

“...I…” Melissa realized she was shaking again.

Zachary took her hands and with cool fingers wrapped her warm, twitchy ones firmly over the impossible technology. “I don’t want to see you this sad again because I mess up.”

“...Thank you Zach,” Melissa murmured after a long moment, slowly moving her backpack off her shoulders and gingerly placing the syringe pen inside. 

They were silent for a long moment, both needing the time to collect themselves as Melissa put her backpack back on. It was only the faint shine of light that stole their attention from their brooding thoughts.

“Oh!” Zachary blinked as he took in the pulped Sunflower that had been lying near them. Now that they were both looking, they could see the tips of the leaves beginning to dissolve into faint motes of dust. “Wow… you did a lot. I don’t think any plant had to take so long to Respawn.”

“So that’s what Respawning looks like?” Melissa jolted as the pieces came together in her head. “So that’s why all the elite plants were just disappearing. They’re going to be brought back to life too?”

“Yeh,” Zachary said, a note of disgust on his face as he swiped a hand at a light mote that drifted too close to them. “It can take a while for system to recollect, depending on how beat up you are. Like that!”

Zachary’s words made Melissa hunch up, a new wave of shame crashing over her.

“I shouldn’t have broken like that,” Melissa said miserably as the rest of the Sunflower, from roots to stem faded into motes of light even more quickly now that the process had properly begun. “I… should have been better. Did something to help besides turning into an animal!”

“You were angry, and you didn’t know about Respawn,” Zachary said soothingly. “You fine.”

“But… but still! After all this time I should’ve known better than to lose it like that!” Melissa felt stinging at the corners of her eyes as the light reached the broken remains of the sunflower’s face. Her memories of just a few minutes ago were warped and broken, but seeing the damage with a mind not clouded made her sick. “This sunflower… didn’t deserve it.”

That earned her a weird look from Zachary. Melissa clarified, “I… thought she was… someone else for a little bit. That person does deserve to get turned into paste, but… even if we are fighting them right now, that was still too much to do to someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I get that you don’t like plants, but you get that, right?”

Zachary’s brow furrowed, and he looked to be ready to say something. Though she didn’t dare let her face betrayed, she hoped that he wouldn’t press. And thankfully, he didn’t.

“It kinda weird… but that okay. Important part is that we both fine,” Zachary said firmly. “And sun plant will be back to being sunny and annoying soon, so you don’t worry.”

“...Alright,” Melissa started to stand, then let out an, “Oop!” as her legs suddenly gave out. Zachary caught her, and she flushed. “S-sorry, looks like I have some… jitters all of a sudden.”

Patiently, Zachary pulled her back onto her feet and scooped back up his weapons. The soldier was scanning the scene cautiously as Melissa steadied herself. She breathed deep, one more time. 

“Okay. Okay, I think I’m ready to go.”

Zachary nodded, smiling as she braced her gun arm with her free hand. The soldier offered an arm. “Let’s actually stick together thiz time, okie?”

“Yeah, lets,” Melissa nodded. She took the proffered arm, and with Zachary’s support they both began to shuffle forward. Her legs still felt like jelly, but now that they were moving again she could feel her head settling back into place.

It was easy enough to find Leslie and the Queen once more – one only needed to follow the sounds of gunfire and the celestial whoosh -ing of the Queen as she called upon all the might of the sun. Melissa could only assume that the sunspots had been taken care of, both from their lack thereof and the fact that every last sunflower packing around the Queen looked even more ballistic. 

The Queen herself didn’t seem to have calmed in the slightest. If anything, she was glowing even more vividly, the air turning wavy from her energy. The only other thing that could compete with her celestial glow were the barrage of blasts from the flowers. There were enough to leave sparks dancing in Melissa’s vision punctuated with countless high-pitched pops from the air reacting to the superheated sunlight. 

Leslie was zipping about in a mimicry of Zachary’s own evasive weaving, but didn’t seem to be enjoying as much success. The scientist looked frazzled with his lab coat smoking and charred in places. Zachary didn’t let his scientist friend, and let go of Melissa just long enough to pull the pin on a stink bomb and throw it before wrapping her arm back up with his like an anaconda.

The smoke hit true in the bunched up huddle of plants, and the barrage stopped as the sunflowers gagged in disgust. Zachary smirked and with his gun-wielding hand peppered the Queen in the face.

“Mizz me stinky plant?” He rasped out. 

“Ugh, you got brought back already?!” The Sunflower Queen snapped as Leslie looked behind them, relief shining in his eyes. “How are you so much more persistent than every other mewling soldier?”

“I’m just that good, and you’re just that bad!” Zachary grinned, coolly spinning his gun with one hand. Unlike Leslie, Melissa registered that Zachary was still just saying “Brainz! Bra-ha-ha brain brainz!” So, she offered her own translation. “What he said was, we’re better, and you’re not.”

The Queen sneered, new patterns of light Melissa hadn’t seen before weaving themselves across the plant’s face. “Your arrogance disgusts me. You enter our forest, pillage our grounds, halt our rightful reclamation and behave as though you’re above us!? Zomboss’ poison truly sinks deep.”

Melissa glared at the queen as a coil of fury reared in her, cooler and less acidic than the madness that had driven her earlier but no less vicious. She mirrored Zachary, both weapons leveled at the Queen’s face. She could feel sorry for most of the plants that she had to take out – even if it was self-defense, it still felt sour. But for this Queen?

The memory of Zachary’s crumpled body scorched through her, and she snarled. “ You tried killing us. I’d say fair is fair.”

The Queen narrowed her eyes. “You… your madness upon one of my kind was a shock, and a disgrace. I will take great pleasure in turning you to ash.”

There was a beat of silence as both parties regarded one another. With more than a little bit of gratitude Leslie used the respite to shuffle back by the two, nursing his torso as he huddled behind Zachary. Even the wind seemed to be stilling itself, the omnipresent shuffling of Dreadwood’s spontaneous trees gone aside from a deceitful few brushes. The sunflowers that hadn’t fallen to the smoke bomb gathered about their queen, faces hardened.

No one dared to break the standoff. None, until a deafening screech of speakers suffering feedback split it. Everyone jolted, but Zachary was the first to recover. He bent over, an ominous beeping emitting from his pack and then-

BWOOOSH!

KABOOM!

The Sunflower Queen and her retinue stumbled back as one unlucky sunflower just barely managed to intercept the giant rocket, the explosion devastating even if it didn’t hit its intended target. The Queen didn’t hesitate to retaliate right back with a blast of sunlight, which Zachary tanked as he pushed Melissa behind him.

She gasped as a corona of heat surrounded them, and she looked back to see Zachary’s front smoldering but the soldier just grinning madly as he raised the blaster and returned fire. Hastily, she threw up the Unkind Rewind and joined him in peppering the Queen with a hail of floppy discs and pellets, carving cuts and holes all over her body.

With a burst of speed the Queen surged forward and attempted to club them, but Zachary pulled back along with Melissa. The hand that had cast Zachary down minutes ago missed by a wide margin, and exposed her to even more bullets. 

The sunflower entourage cried in fury, but they couldn’t reach their queen. Leslie had taken his breather and with a screechy cry launched the purple bombs that he’d used before. The sunflowers scattered at the violet coronas of energy, and as the queen recoiled from their attacks Leslie looked back with a gap-toothed grin.

“I see you’ve got your heads screwed back on!” He shouted. “Good, I daresay we’re close to finishing her off!”

Zachary looked back at Melissa, eyes aglow with fervor. “You got that right! Don’t hold back! Lets take her down, NOW!”

Melissa reached into her pocket as the zombies reloaded their weapons. She looked down at the last, solitary cartridge of floppy discs. She clenched it and closed her eyes.

Last round.

Come on girl, it’s almost done. You can get through this.

She slammed the floppy discs into the Unkind Rewind, and as the shotgun and blaster rang with fire the clicking of launched discs joined them. The Sunflower Queen staggered back under the sustained fire, raising their hand-orbs in vain. Their face glowed with more blinding beams of sunlight that she launched at the zombies, but the majority missed as both Leslie and Zachary slowly began to press forward, sidestepping and weaving. Some hit, but the zombies grit through with only pained grunts, continuing to reload and fire, reload and fire as twisted feet danced over cracked pavement and sandy grit.

Melissa fired as long as she could, clicking and pointing at the massive target before her with her knees locked. She kept pulling the trigger until it clicked empty, and then she had no choice but to watch. In all honesty, her final floppy discs were probably just salt in the wound as the two zombies focused fire, only diverting their streams of bullets to the sunflowers that tried to fight back. 

As mighty as she was, the Sunflower Queen was flagging under the constant barrage. The ethereal patterns that lined her face and body were barely flickering as clear-white ooze bled from the dozens goo-burns and pockmarks on her. The glow inside her stem was not blinding but a dull throb like a dying lightbulb. Even her petals were drooping, the imperious glare on her face pinched.

Leslie cackled, letting his shotgun down for just a moment. “Zachary? You do the honors.”

The foot soldier needed no further prompting even as the Queen’s eyes went wide. Flames burst forth and sent Zachary flying high right as the Sunflower Queen sent out one last desperate beam of light that splashed against the ground to leave a crater of glass. Zachary was untouched, and as Melissa and everyone else (zombie and plant alike) gaped up at him, he flipped midair. The ominous beeping countdown sounded as he reached the top of his arc and descended, and even with only air around him the foot soldier kept one eye on his target.

The Sunflower Queen had one second to stare in absolute befuddlement and dawning terror as Zachary chirped, “Bye-bye!”

He gave a cheeky salute just as a second corona of flames came from his back, and he fell back down as a rocket burst forth and crashed into the Queen dead-on.

BOOM!

She howled in pain as Zachary landed on both feet next to Melissa. She wailed, losing her footing on her roots as she tumbled to one side. One orb-hand flew out to hold her up just enough, but she was trembling. Despite the boiling fury she still held at this particular flower, Melissa couldn’t stop from the sympathetic twinge as she took in the smoking crater that now encompassed half of her face, burnt petals falling astray. All around, sunflowers began to wail in despair, which made Melissa’s gut churn ever so slightly more.

Leslie cooly stepped back and stood by Melissa and Zachary as they took in the broken monarch before them. The scientist slung the shotgun onto his strange techno-pack and looked over at Zachary with raised eyebrows. “Did you really need to do that jumpshot? I know we were trying to make this dramatic, but that just seems excessive.”

“Meh, give me some slack. She broke my spine and made Meh-liss-ah sad,” Zachary said as he stared down the remaining sunflowers. Even though there was a smile on his face, his eyes were flinty and made the remaining plants shrink away.

One by one, the remaining sunflowers and weeds slowly backed away, then fled. The Sunflower Queen panted, twitching slightly at the fading pat-pat of fleeing leaves as she glared hatefully at the trio before her. 

“So… this is really how it ends? Brought low by a scant few zombie troopers at the behest of a psychotic midget?” The queen’s head drooped… and then she chuckled darkly. “Haaa… ha ha… I think I see now what Dreadwood meant when he said his reign was the only one that would keep plants in control of these woods. If I am so humbled by such a meager party… how could I expect to stand if Zomboss himself ever grew tired of this plant occupation?”

Her face fell, petals curling around her face in a feeble attempt to hide herself. “Perhaps… that is why I was disconnected from the system of rebirth… with Dreadwood in place, why waste resources on a failing line of royalty?”

Leslie stepped forward, and with that same raspy, unnatural voice that the translator in Melissa’s ear couldn’t cover up, he spoke clear English. “Zomboss’ elite… have been clearing your ilk… for years. You were a fool to resist.”

The queen’s limp roots twitched, then curled. Slowly, they dug into the earth as the queen righted herself, looking back up. “...A fool I perhaps am… 

“…but spineless I will not be.”

Suddenly, the air distorted with a wave of heat. The queen stood themselves up higher, their remaining petals unfurling as new, fiercely glowing patterns traced themselves across her scarred, seeded face. Melissa tensed, and Zachary’s smile fell as he immediately moved in front of her. Leslie stumbled back in surprise.

“What in blazes-?”

“If I’m not going to make it past today… then there’s no reason to preserve my own energy.”

  The Sunflower Queen’s eyes snapped open, glowing like an inferno.

“Yes, let us see how your dear leader reconstructs you… FROM NOTHING BUT CHARRED BONES!”

The queen’s face turned upward, another wave of heat hitting them all like bricks. Light coalesced around them, growing brighter and brighter as their stem glowed, streams of clear sap oozing out with sparks. It was so bright that Melissa couldn’t even look at the plant directly, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

There was a pop! Melisa opened her eyes to see one sun spot appear just next to them. 

Pop! Then there was a second.

Pop! Then a third.

Pop! Pop pop pop pop pop!

Melissa gaped as what had to be dozens of sun spots manifested around them, blanketing the whole area in a glow that only belonged on the surface of the true sun itself. She yelped as Zachary seized her and drew her close, gun darting between each sun spot. A glance at him showed the dawning horror on his face as he took in every single target. 

“I… is she really going to spend all that sunlight just to kill us?” Leslie gasped. “I… can we even outrun a sunbeam of this much power with this many sunspots?”

Melissa’s head began to grow foggy again, but this time she didn’t have the mercy of blinding wrath to override the wave of panic consuming her. Every limb was locked, and she faintly realized she couldn’t breathe.

“I… I… Zach?”

She looked over at him, hoping that maybe he had some idea in him. All she got back was an equally horrified stare, the soldier squeezing her tighter.

Knowing what she knew now, it was likely that the two zombies weren’t going to stay dead. The “Respawn” system that probably existed here based on Leslie’s mentions would bring them back. But Melissa?

There was only one of two thoughts on her mind as she stared at all the miniature suns around her.

She looked at Zachary (strange, when did he start shaking?) and wondered if he’d forgive himself for giving her so many promises just to have it end like this.

And she wondered if burning to death would be any less painful than electrocution.

…At least Zachary won’t die.

She squeezed him tighter, closed her eyes and waited to die.

…

…

…And waited.

…And waited.

… Weird. When did burning to death sound so deep-voiced? Or screamy?

And why’s it coming from above ?

Melissa opened her eyes, and looked up just in time to see Cookies plummeting back to Earth bellowing like a beached whale.

BOOMF!

The queen jolted, and the light dimmed as the plant squinted at the giant zombie groaning into the dirt next to her. The impending horror evaporated from her system as she stared at the intrusion.

“Huh… so he did survive,” Leslie remarked after a few seconds, a rather peculiar wobble in his voice.

The Queen looked at them, then at Cookies, then at them and then Cookies once more as the gargantuar yanked his face out of the dirt. Slowly, she drawled, “...Is this somehow part of your plan? Because if you think this thing can stop me from incinerating you then you’re sorely mistaken.”

Zachary, whose expression of horror had turned into a blank poker face, suddenly blinked. He looked at Melissa, then Leslie, and then up again. “Hey… if Cookies here… then where’s the bomb-”

A cartoonish whistle drew everyone’s eyes back up just in time to see the bomb Cookies had been carrying come flying down from the sky. With a thwump it landed firmly into the dirt right by Cookies. It wasn't as inert as it was before though. At some point, the wick had gotten lit and before everyone’s now horrified eyes was burning down, the bomb’s metal growing orange in color with every bit of rope burnt out. 

Tsssssssssst-

Cookies stared at the Sunflower Queen. The Sunflower Queen stared back. Both looked at the glowing hot bomb mere inches away from them. 

Zachary gulped, and grabbing both Leslie and Melissa by the shoulders, very quickly walked backward into the open door of the factory side building. Neither protested, least of all Melissa as she gawked.

The fuse hissed down one last inch.

The Sunflower Queen opened their mouth just as they finished rounding the corner to relative shelter.

“Well, shi-”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Chapter Text

Izzy herself wasn’t outside when they walked back out into the courtyard post-explosion – or at least, what had been a courtyard. Instead, right next to the brand new massive smoking crater that occupied the space, a ugly, dented metal zombie-shaped head ( The zombies called their robots Zombots, right? ) scuttled toward them on two squat legs like a demented spider. The trio stopped just short of the crater and simply waited for the Zombot to come to them, boots and socks mere inches from glassed sand and atomized dirt. 

Melissa had no energy to react strongly to yet more peculiar zombie technology or even the astounding destruction that had left not a trace of Sunflower Queen or gargantuar at all. She just vacantly looked ahead as the Zombot drew close and looked up expectantly at the group. 

~Wow, wow wow wow! That got in-TENSE!~ Izzy’s voice crackled from the head. ~I literally couldn’t think of anything to say at the end, you all were just like BOOM! BANG! KABOOM! It was so COOL!~

“I notice you left out the part where we all nearly died,” Leslie gritted out, the scientists’ hair looking exceptionally frizzed out and still smoking at the ends.

~Eh, you all would’ve been fiiiiine. I’ve walked off violent deaths from exploding before, I’m sure you all can take a little bit of scorching,~ Izzy drawled.

Melissa and Zachary, both of their faces lined, exchanged looks . As far as Izzy knew she was right… about everyone but Melissa. But they sure weren’t going to mention it, and they turned their tired attentions back to the robot head with Zachary winding a hand around her arm and giving a reassuring squeeze.

“I hope you have those stickers ready,” Melissa said, tone snippy.

~Don’t worry your pretty head off buckethead, I got them here for you! You all did uphold your end of the deal, and I’m no flake!~

The Zombot’s head flipped open to reveal said stickers held in the hollow pocket of its bottom jaw… or as Izzy had told them, sticky badges. There were a good handful placed inside which Melissa roughly grabbed, not even caring that her fingers now felt sappy.

The head snapped shut once her hand was no longer in biting range, and Izzy’s tinny voice rang out again. ~Alright, neatorino! Hey, before we go our separate ways and you lot go beat up Dreadwood, you mind dropping one of your talkies over by the Respawn graveyard? I wanna talk with Cookies a bit once he gets pulled back together!~

“Eh, sure!” Zachary chimed, forcing a bit of cheer into his voice. 

~Eh, you feeling good soldier boy, buckethead, nerd? I’m getting the feeling that you’re all getting annoyed…~

Their deadpan stares were enough to answer. ~Okay, okay, I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’ll go ahead and just send this lil’ guy skittering back. Hey, if you all stop by after turning Dreadwood to mulch, I’d love to give you all some more cookies! No explosives in them, I promise!~ 

After another moment of non-response, Leslie in particular beginning to let out a low growl, Izzy chirped, ~…Anyways, see ya!~

The Zombot head skittered back away on its haphazard legs, and Melissa wheezed. “Okay… Let's just get this over with.”

That earned her a strange look from Zachary, but Leslie was swift to agree. “Yes, now that we’ve got our parts, let's get that boombox from the cult! The sun is starting to set, and I’d rather not spend any longer in these woods than necessary!”

Melissa couldn’t agree with that sentiment more, which was the only reason she wasn’t dragging her tired, aching feet as they began the short, hasty trek back to the main building of the factory. The cult zombies had emerged back en masse once all the sunflowers had vanished, staring at the giant blackened crater. If it’d been earlier, Melissa would’ve just opted to ignore them. But this time, Melissa was with Leslie glaring at them with all the venom she could muster. It brought her a bit of spiteful satisfaction to see the red-white painted zombies shrivel up and shuffle away hastily as they navigated back to the candle-lit altar room.

Yeah, you better back off you cowards.

“Oh, you back!” Tim exclaimed, dropping an overloved, threadbare Dummy plush that the behatted cultist had been smooshing against his face and silently sobbing into when the duo of zombies and “buckethead” walked in smelling of soot and all scowling at him. “You brought angry sunflowers, but you also bring all boombox parts! Very good!”

“Yes, no thanks to your lot,” Melissa muttered bitterly. “As a heads up, one of those side buildings? The roof got blown off and a wall caved in, and you need to brace for a gargantuar coming through your ‘Respawn’. Might want to get your guys walking around doing absolutely nothing on top of those things.”

“Meh, sure sure,” Tim said, not sounding particularly concerned at all before reaching out his hands and making ‘gimmie’ hands. “Lets me see boombox parts! I fix for you! Just don’t touch me with your hands, smartness spreads by touch.”

“Sure, fine, just fix it now. Please ,” Melissa hissed through her teeth, as she thrust forward the tape and sticky badges/stickers forward in her hands, dug up from her bag and pockets. Zachary held forth his slightly clean (though still definitely not sanitary) pair of batteries that thankfully were no longer coated with stomach contents, though one had a particularly large lint ball stuck to it from the soldier’s pockets. With excessive caution Tim took the items, cringing as he drew close to Melissa. He only paused briefly when he examined the badges.

“Wait… did you get help from the scary imp?” He blinked owlishly. “I thought she hate us?”

“You’re absolutely right… she does hate you,” Melissa drawled. “Now, do you want to piss her and us off by not using the stickers we oh so kindly almost got killed for? ”

Tim gulped and wisely chose not to follow up on his inquiry, eagerly stepping back over to the purple boombox sitting upon the Dummy altar. Turning his back to them, Tim rapidly began mumbling, and after a few minutes of ripping tape, crazed mumbling, clicking plastic and other productive sounds, the elderly zombie spun about.

“Behold! The boombox that will let you to free Dummy!” Tim declared, holding up a gussied up, fully repaired purple boombox. “Now, you just need to hook up to the big speaker system, play tape, and then find the gate to reach Dreadwood!”

Tim pointed off into the distance. “The gate is all the way at back of the swamp. You open gate, reach Dreadwood… and then distract him and get killed horribly while Dummy escape!”

“Orrr we just kill the stupid tree ourselves,” Zachary pointed out.

“Eh, you must be really dumb if you think you can actually do that,” Tim said. The elderly zombie flinched when Zachary growled at him, the most offended Melissa had ever seen him. “Okie, maybe you can! You beat up scary sunflowers and weeds, you can maybe defeat Dreadwood! It still dumb idea… but please don’t shoot I just trying to spread Dummy’s word!”

Between the three of them, they all definitely had quite a few words for the zombie that’d sent them off on this wild goose chase. But as one they all just sighed and Zachary roughly snatched the boombox from Tim’s shaking hands in the process.

The foot soldier paused for one more moment, chewing his lip in momentary thought. He unclipped the radio Izzy had given him, handing it to Tim with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hay, could you do another favor and give this to the gargantuar coming through respawn? Izzy wanted to zee how he doing after tree and bomb beat him up.” 

“Uh… sure?” Tim took the radio without much more than an eyebrow raise. Suddenly, he gave a full body twitch. “Wait… did you say gargantuar!? And Izzy? The scary imp has a GARGANTUAR !?!”

Zachary didn’t deign to respond. Instead he gave a perfectly pleasant smile that Melissa had never seen on anything besides a Chomper before spinning around, leaving the altar room with an extra jump in his step and the boombox swinging freely in his hand. Leslie couldn’t help himself – the scientist let out a wheezy, crow-like cackle as he followed after. Melissa just gave Tim a small wave as the elderly zombie sweated buckets, looking at the radio as if it itself were a bomb (which considering Izzy so far… honestly, Melissa wouldn’t have been surprised if it had been a bomb all along).

As they walked back outside and retraced their path, Leslie finally stopped giggling to himself long enough to say, “Finally, we’re back in business! Thank you for that Zachary, I needed that bit of laughter.”

“Did what?” Zachary blinked innocently. Leslie squinted at his fellow zombie a moment, then sniggered again. 

“Never change Zach, never change.”

Leslie cleared his throat, and resumed a more commanding voice. “Now, if this Z-Tech Factory is anything like the other factories, I think I know where the PA system should be. Seeing as we only have a scant few hours before the sun sets, I vote that we move with extra haste!”

“Actually…” Melissa swallowed. “Could we… maybe stop for a bit first before we fight Dreadwood? And maybe… think about how we want to do this?”

Leslie stopped and squinted at her. “What?”

Melissa felt sweat beading on her brow as she responded, “I mean… I was just thinking that we’ve been through a LOT in the past few hours. Instead of just rushing on, I thought we could maybe stop for a moment, breathe and… maybe discuss how we’re actually going to do this first? ”

Leslie looked at her as though she’d just told him the moon was made of cheese. “But we’re so close to the end! If we can get this done as quickly as possible, then I suppose we could use the rest of the day for a quick holiday. And in terms of your role, I’m sure I could think of something, hopefully we can find more ammunition or an alternative weapon in this dump-”

“I mean I don’t think I can help with killing Dreadwood!” Melissa blurted.

The pause deepened, and Leslie’s look sharpened. It wasn’t hostile as Melissa was half-expecting, but more scrutinizing – as if he’d just spotted an unusual fracture and needed to peer closer to see what was inside. 

Before Melissa could crack, blessed Zachary spoke up earnestly. “Uh, maybe Meh-lissa has a point? I think, uh… revive took more out of me, and Meh-liss-ah is out of ammunition and also very tired,” Zachary smiled sheepishly. “Maybe small break might not hurt?”

That strange spark in the scientist’s eye wasn’t extinguished, but he nodded. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. It will take some time to see in what shape the PA system is in, and to connect the boombox. We can take five, and then reconvene.”

Melissa withheld her sigh of relief until Leslie had turned his back and continued shuffling off. Human and foot soldier trailed further behind, just out of earshot so Melissa could whisper, “ Thank you for that Zach.”

“No problem,” Zachary whispered back, voice gargling a bit at having to keep itself so soft. “Erm, sorry about Lezlie. He get very tunneled-vision when on duty.”

The soldier frowned momentarily. “But… me didn’t know you didn’t want to fight Dreadwood. Thought that whole point of mission?”

“I know that Zach,” Melissa hissed, a note of strain weaving into her throat. “But after everything that’s happened today… sweet sun, I didn’t think we’d be fighting this much.” 

Zach cocked his head, letting out a small, “ Gwuh ?” of incomprehension. Melissa sighed, and elaborated. 

“I… I’m not like you Zach. I’m not built for this. I… I thought this was all going to be one simple outing to find your friend. Instead, we’re escorting washing machines, assassinating plant royalty… and now we’re going to kill the giant tree monster in control of these entire woods!” She threw up her hands, then flushed when she realized she was shouting. By some miracle though, Leslie hadn’t turned around to hear her outburst.

Melissa had to stop and swallow. She stammered out after a moment, “All the running around, the… the fighting Plants … it’s too much for me. And I don’t think I can keep going without something going wrong.”

“Oh… oh… ” Zach seemed to wither in on himself in dawning horror. “Should I… not have brought you here? I thought you were having fun, and you was helping a lot! But if you-”

The soldier went rigid, nearly tripping over his feet. The handle of the boombox cracked under his grip. “Oh brainz, I nearly get you ki-”

“ Zach , I’m going to stop you right there. You gave me a choice to come and it was my choice to come,” Melissa interrupted. “...I’m guessing you’re used to having zombies that are made of sterner stuff than me, right?”

Zach bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. “Yeh… I guess so.”

“And besides, you’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping me safe with the disguise and in the fighting,” Melissa said softly, more encouragingly as she smiled at the zombie. “I mean, you’ve been handling all the plants so damn fast! I don’t think I’ve seen a better fighter in my life than you!”

That did make Zachary flush violet, and the soldier averted their gaze with a goofy grin inching its way upward. “Oooh, that too nice to say. I’m not that good.”

“Considering that the only injury I have is from the one or two solo fights I’ve had, I’d say you have a pretty damn good track record,” Melissa said surely. She sighed. “But… if you have to fight this Dreadwood thing to actually get Leslie out of here and so the cult doesn’t get on your rears… you shouldn’t have to be splitting yourself in half to fight Dreadwood and protect me at the same time. I’m an accountant with no physical training whatsoever. I’m burning down my wick, and if I don’t give myself a break then I’m not going to be able to do anything to keep myself out of danger.”

“But I can’t just leave you alone!” Zachary blurted. “When we start going to Dreadwood, nasty plants might start swarming! What if they corner you!?”

“Well, that’s what planning is going to help us figure out, right?” Melissa said. “I’m sure Leslie is bound to have some ideas on how to handle this.”

Zachary thought for a moment, eyes crossed. Then he slowly nodded. “...Guess that work. If you think it good for you, then I also think it work.”

Melissa smiled. “Thank you Zach. Now let's move before Leslie gets any more impatient.”

The two of them caught up with Leslie quickly, and the three walked together until the road crumbled away for a new expanse of swampy forest ground. Tall islands of concrete and shipping containers sway in their perches on the trees, and this expanse was even more vast than any they’d seen before. This time, Melissa found herself squinting extra hard at the bubbly water, in case there were more of those things. 

The dreadroots .

She did not want to see if there were more of those things around.

Zachary turned to her and handed Melissa the boombox. She wasn’t sure why at first, until Zachary offered his hands out to her in a familiar gesture. “Meh-lissa, I’ll carry you and we jetpack, okie?” 

Melissa nodded, and the soldier scooped her up, the boombox safely nestled against her chest. Leslie paused to mess with some other unfamiliar device in his hand, and looked back. 

The scientist raised an eyebrow at Zachary carrying her like a princess, and Melissa couldn’t stop from blushing in embarrassment. But he thankfully didn’t comment and just said, “The layout of the factory according to my records should still be accurate even with the trees tearing everything apart. You two follow me, alright?”

Zachary nodded. “Gotcha Lezlie!”

The next several minutes of travel passed by in a blur. The two Elite zombies moved swiftly in a haphazard game of Frogger through the plant-infested forest swamp, Leslie zipping about with his teleportation and Zachary soaring through the air with Melissa in tow. They only stopped for momentarily for the zombie’s equipment to recharge, ducking behind cover and peering out suspiciously before Zachary’s rocket tube and the button thing Leslie had been clicking pinged. By virtue of their swift motion and Leslie’s diligent mapping of how the factory had been laid out, they didn’t run into any plants. 

Even with her eyes squeezed to try and avoid getting nauseous from constant motion, Melissa could hear a cacophony of noises, from the splashing of something large jumping out of the swamp muck to faint whispering of plant voices lilting quietly in the air. The two things grounding her were the plastic edges of the boombox she was holding onto with one arm, and the scratchy, worn fabric of Zachary’s uniform under her other arm, which she wrapped around the back of his shoulders.

Melissa didn’t know how Zachary could enjoy the constant bouncing up-and-down of rocket jumping around, but she was willing to bear the sensation of her stomach bouncing up and down so long as they weren’t being apprehended via the high route. 

Just as she’d begun wondering if this trip was never going to end, Zachary began to slow. Melissa let her watery eyes open to take in their destination at last: a lonely brick building festering with buzzing hives of satellite dishes and antennae, penned in by a triad of ponderously groaning evergreen trees. Melissa craned her neck as Zachary slowed his rapid shuffle to a more sedate plodding to take in the sight.

Leslie called out, “We’re here! You can put the browncoat down now Zach, you look ridiculous.”

Zachary huffed indignantly at the insult, but acquiesced and let Melissa slide out of his grasp. This time, Melissa was happy to find that despite a slight tremor in her legs she didn’t even trip as her feet met concrete.

“Meh-lissa, you good?” Zachary asked, the soldier stretching his arms with a satisfying crack of bone.

“Yeah, it was smooth all the way through. Thanks Zach,” Melissa said, sharing a smile with the foot soldier as he rolled his shoulders and unholstered his gun from his belt. She let the boombox hang from one of her hands, taking in a deep breath and sighing.

Leslie approached the two once the two had composed themselves. His goggles swiveled as he held out a hand. “Melissa, if you could hand me the boombox? We’ll… discuss your reservations once I get the PA system prepared. Is this agreeable?”
Melissa just nodded, sweat beading under her bucket with Leslie’ piercing gaze, and without protest handed the scientist the purple boombox. Leslie nodded, giving Melissa another scrutinizing look before briskly turning around. Without further prompting Zachary went to hold her arm again, lightly squeezing it in reassurance. Melissa smiled at him again as Zachary took the lead and pulled her inside.

The room was among the most disheveled of the factory rooms they’d seen yet, with indecipherable computer parts and generator-esque pieces lying inert. A network of cables covered the walls like creeping vines, and the wasp-like buzzing of all the satellite dishes and speakers dotting the roof and outer walls made a dull, omnipresent hum of white noise. 

Zachary paused in thought as he looked about the space, a pinch of strain on his brow as he thought. “Hey, Meh-liss-ah, let me go look for something, okie? I’ll be right back.” 

“Oh, alright,” Melissa nodded. With a cheery grin Zachary nodded back and let go of Melissa’s arm. The soldier shambled off and without any seeming rhyme or reason began rummaging around the edges of the room. Leslie ignored his antics to approach the main centerpiece of the space: a table with a set of dark screens and the nexus of cables all connecting to it, with an array of convenient purple neon arrows pointing at it. The scientist spared her and Zachary only a cursory look before humming to himself and starting to fuss with the wires and computer equipment.

Melissa watched as Zachary shuffled about the edges, then gasped and ducked behind a tilting set of metal fencing partially blocking a darker section of the room where the shadowed hulk of a giant generator sat. He was gone from sight in the shadows, the only hint he was still around being his grunting and the metallic clanking of something falling over. When he came back out, he was pushing a beaten-up rolling chair, purple cushions leaking stained white stuffing.

“Z-Tech chairs very comfy!” Zachary said as he presented it to her proudly. “Maybe you… recline and rest?”

Melissa looked it over, and despite her trepidation she supposed the chair looked clean enough. “...That would be nice. Thank you Zach.”

The foot soldier beamed, and he held the chair still for her as Melissa went to sit. When her rear came into contact with blissfully soft memory foam seating – oh sweet sun , it took all her might to not moan in joy. Melissa had never realized just how amazing it would be to sit after running around for almost an entire day! She let herself melt into the seat, for once her inner hygiene police stayed silent in favor of blessed convenience.

“Comfy?” Zachary asked. 

“This is one of the nicest chairs I’ve ever sat in,” Melissa said honestly, body slack. “No joke. Thank you.”

The foot soldier’s disposition brightened even more. “Okie! Now you just relax, and we wait for Leslie!”

Zachary began to shuffle over to where Leslie had extracted a dusty keyboard, esoteric mouse, and one functioning computer screen from the bizarre ensemble that all the arrows were pointing to. Melissa scooched over, enjoying that this chair also had all functioning wheels on top of its miraculously clean and comfy seating. The scientist paid them little mind, his gloved hands in a flurry of motion tapping keys and guiding the mouse. The boombox sat near his elbows, patiently awaiting its time to shine.

“Ugh, even before Dreadwood wrecked this place this factory was going down the gutter. Who installed all these inane applications onto Z-Tech company hardware?!” Leslie grumbled to himself as the two approached.

“Dunno!” Zachary peered over Leslie’s shoulder curiously, and Melissa herself scooted the rolling chair closer to peer at the purple-tinted screen. The foot soldier gasped in delighted surprise as Leslie scrolled down. “Ooooh, someone haz original Garden Warfare on here?”

“The… original Garden Warfare? I thought that was a historic event?” Melissa quirked her brow.

“No no no, not the event, the game!” Zachary pointed at the square logo, making Leslie grunt as the soldier pushed him aside. “I thought Zomboss and Dave ztopped making copies after Garden Warfare Two came outz! Theses rarer than yetis!”

“I… did not know you had a game made of the… exact war that y- we’re fighting?” Melissa asked.

“ Not a game ,” Leslie sniffed as he pushed Zachary back to a comfortable distance. “A scenario-based combat simulator meant to take the most prolific missions and critical locations from the actual wars in order to train troops to understand the abilities of their enemies and allies, construct strategies, and prepare for combat in a non-physical medium.”

“...So it’s like a first-person shooter game?” Melissa said dryly.

Leslie just sighed as Zachary nodded vigorously and exclaimed, “Yez!”

As Leslie kept scrolling through the terminal for the program he was looking for, Zachary began to prod around the desk. “Hey, you think they left the Garden Warfare carptrige – I mean, cartridge here? I lost my copy after Riley used it for dark rituals and ates it.”

“I highly doubt it,” Leslie sighed. “Look, can you please give me space so I can get the PA system up and running? I can always just give you my copy after all of this is done, I’ve hardly used it in years.”

“ Okaaay ,” Zachary whined. He did back off though, and for several minutes he and Melissa just watched in expectant quiet as Leslie typed in commands, pulled out and unplugged then replugged in wires, and messed with the boombox. At last, Leslie typed in a few keys and grinned.

“There, now I’ve got all remaining Z-Tech intercom systems connected and ready to broadcast the sounds of this boombox all across Weirding Woods! With one push of a button, Dreadwood and all his subsequent root systems will be out like lights and we can waltz into the zone where he’s sequestered himself within!”

Leslie giggled in anticipatory glee, rubbing his hands together in the most stereotypical mad-scientist fashion Melissa had ever seen. After a few moments, he cleared his throat and resumed his usual professional demeanor. “But first… Melissa, your request .”

The comfort she’d been feeling evaporated under Leslie’s keen eyes, and Melissa straightened in the rolling chair. But now that she finally wasn’t feeling as though she was just barely recovered from a marathon (which, honestly, wasn’t this whole day one whole olympic event in one tree-covered package?), she could speak levelly. “Let me better explain myself.”

“With all due respect, I don’t think I’m going to be able to help much with fighting Dreadwood. As you’ve said, there isn’t any extra ammunition I can load into the Unkind Rewind so I don’t have any long-range options. And while I can throw a punch… at most it’ll be a minor inconvenience… or outright useless.” 

Melissa relaxed a bit as Leslie’s gaze gradually transitioned from sharp to something a bit softer. “The last thing I want is for you and Zach to deal with me as deadweight. I know you prefer as many hands on deck as possible… but in this context, it would be best for me to hang back for this one.”

The wild-haired scientist considered her words for a moment, the claws on his headband tapping as his goggles rotated and buzzed with unseen machinations. Finally, Leslie humphed. “...Hmph. I can’t argue with your logic. But, if you are to stay behind, how do you expect to defend yourself all on your own? While Dreadwood may be sleeping now… all bets are still off for the rest of the wretched plants in this forest.”

“Well, I was hoping you’d know if there was some sort of safe room, or relatively fortified place to hide out in since you know the factory so well,” Melissa pointed out. 

Leslie looked down and tapped his chin in thought. After a moment, he slowly drawled, “Hmm… well , the actual door isn’t too far away from where we are, and the communications tower won’t be priority once Dreadwood has fallen asleep – he’s rumored to be quite the heavy sleeper once he gets going, so the Plants would likely prioritize taking out any zombies instead. You could honestly just camp in here – the way the Plants will see it, the moment the music comes on they’ll focus first and foremost on keeping us away from the gate before trying to shut off the music… not that'd do them much good, I’ve already programmed the machines to loop the music.” 

Leslie chortled to himself before refocusing. “You just need to watch our backs as we get it open, and then you’re free to hide in here amongst the rubble out of sight. It’s unlikely the plants will go out of their way to catch a mere browncoat.”

Melissa looked around the building. Leslie did have a point – as dilapidated as the building did look, it was still a brick building, and there were plenty of places to sequester herself inside and ride out the storm. 

Zachary beamed as disguised-human and scientist both said, “Sounds like we’re settled.”

“Yay!” Zachary didn’t hesitate to immediately drag both of them into a crushing hug. “I knew we could come up with a great plan!”

“Yes yes, now put us down before you break our spines! ” Leslie wheezed, desperately smacking his hands on Zachary’s helmet.

Zachary thankfully relented before he could shatter bones, and Melissa slumped back into her chair with a sound usually made by deflated balloons. Leslie gave Zachary a glare with little bite as he straightened his wrinkled lab coat and sighed. “Alright… now that we have gotten all doubts out of the way, shall we get this show on the road?”

Zachary nodded more vigorously than any bobblehead could hope to achieve. Melissa nodded as well, sitting up straighter in her chair. With both of their confirmations, Leslie turned back to the computer as an evil grin formed on his face. “Finally… let's get this show over and done with.”

With gusto Leslie’s finger twirled in the air before plunging down onto the enter key. A beat, and then the constant buzz of electronics and radios was drowned out by an entirely new sound. A soft, piping melody floated from all around, loud but not grating with a soothing lullaby-like cadence.

Melissa had been listening to classical music before bed since she was a kid, and especially after… the incident . She wasn’t completely sure if it really helped to get her to sleep faster or if the noise just made the thought-filled dark before bed more tolerable. These tunes, Melissa thought as her eyes suddenly fluttered, had to be supernatural in how soporific they were in just a few moments. No wonder the Plants were worried about this sedating Dreadwood, even the orneriest person would want to just curl up and fall asleep.

“Wooooow,” Zachary stared open-mouthed. “That’s reaaaaaaaallly nice lullaby…”

Leslie himself stayed standing – albeit not without his headband arms discreetly pinching and pulling on his hair as his eyelids attempted to lower. “Focus you two. Dreadwood should now be falling asleep… and if my information is correct-”

Leslie briskly walked over to one of the open entrances to the building opposite of where they’d come in and looked out, goggle rims swiveling. “Aha! I see that the gate the Plants built to protect him is now exposed!”

Melissa got up from her chair, blinking away her urge to sleep as she and Zachary followed after the scientist. It was easy enough for Melissa to see what Leslie referred to. In a surprisingly straight shot across a crooked path of concrete piles, sat a massive gate buried underneath one of the biggest trees yet. The gate was covered all over with thick roots, all twitching slightly. In the middle of the mass, sat a golden, heart-shaped mass that shone in the sunlight.

“The heartwood… prior to wrongfully imprisoning me Tim and his idiots informed me that these roots were sent by Dreadwood to cover dozens of key points, all held together by Heartwoods – extensions of Dreadwood himself that lack the sentience of his wretched Dreadroots but contain his concentrated power,” Leslie hissed. “Now that Dreadwood sleeps though, we can break those Heartwoods and their ability to maintain the strength of those root systems… and by extension, reach Dreadwood himself.”

The scientist looked back at Melissa. “Unless you’ve changed your mind, I would recommend staying here and watching. Me and Zachary should be able to get that gate open now that it’s an easy shot, and even if this music has sent Dreadwood to sleep, there is still some possibility the Plants resistant to these lullabies will attempt to strike back.”

“Oh, I have no problem staying back,” Melissa shook her head. She didn’t go all the way back immediately, pausing to clasp a hand on Zachary’s shoulder. “You two? I have faith you’ll take down that tree.”

“I has no doubt in minds in the first place!” Zachary declared… but he still beamed sunnily with the praise. Melissa met his smile back before peeling herself away from his side and went back to stand in the entryway. 

“Well, let's not delay!” Leslie smirked. “ We have a tree to destroy. ”

Melissa watched as the two Elite zombies made the short trek up the path. It was eerily still in the forest as they made their way to stand before the entrance, their forms dwarfed by the sheer mass of plant matter blocking the way. Her breath was bated as the two now-minute zombies gazed upon the softly pulsing Heartwood in the center of the massive entanglement of roots.

Then, quick as a snap, a flurry of bullets impacted the Heartwood. It twitched as the stream of yellow tore into it, and then – pop! – burst with a piercing crack audible from Melissa’s perch. She could’ve sworn she’d heard a soft, resonant gasp echo through the trees, but looking around she couldn’t tell if it was just her or not. But she put her eyes back onto the more interesting sight unfolding now.

The roots all shuddered as one with the Heartwood’s vanishing, faint golden trickles coating its former spot just barely visible in the sunlight. Then with a laborious groan, the roots began to retreat back into the soil. It wasn’t as striking a sight as seeing a spontaneous tree come forth from the earth, but it was still a sight to behold the massive woody growths fluidly slide into the earth like so many shy snakes. The last one visible slipped away, and then the gate began to move.

Even from her far off perch she could hear some sort of hidden mechanism in the dirt roar to life as the great gate began to open. She could swear that all the forest was holding its breath as the very ground shook with the slow rise of the gate. In her mind’s eye, she could picture Zachary’s face rising into a grin of anticipation, Leslie’s settling into that cool mask, both ready to move as the solid wood surface went up, up…

And then stopped very much short of being open with a krnch !

…

Was that… supposed to happen?

The bated breath continued for an awkward minute of absolutely zilch happening. From a distance, Melissa watched Zachary tapped his foot and squint at the decidedly not opened gate. 

“...Is door broken? Do we need to hit with wrench?” Zachary asked loudly after a moment.

Leslie sighed, his exasperation carrying across the distance. “No, no wrenches… but why is this damn thing not moving?” 

The scientist shuffled about for a moment craning his head, then groaned. “...For the love of Zomboss, there’s still one damn root still in the way!” Leslie growled and kicked the stuck gate. “Melissa, you don’t mind stepping out of there and helping get this unstuck, do you?”

This was definitely not a part of the plan they discussed, but Melissa sighed and acquiesced. Her skin prickled as she left the safety of the enclosed Z-Tech building and back down the slope to the looming gate. Zachary smiled apologetically at her as she approached while Leslie kept staring down. Now that she was up close, Melissa followed his gaze and… 

Yup, she could see the root of the frustrations – literally. One of the thick tree roots that had been connected to the Heartwood was still futilely curled about the groaning gate, wrapping under the bottom like an obese version of climbing ivy along with wedging itself into the part between the earth and the impression of the gate’s sliding edge. Its mass filled in the crack of the sliding edge thoroughly, seemingly unbothered even as the gate’s mechanisms groaned in mechanical agony.

Something about the situation was prickling at her skin. As she looked at the root, something about its position seemed… purposeful. Deliberate… although for what purpose she wasn’t sure. Her nerves laced her tone as she asked, “I thought all the roots were supposed to go away when you shot the heartwood?” 

“It was, but clearly even when he sleeps Dreadwood must be as much of an annoyance as possible,” Leslie groaned. He looked over apologetically at Melissa. “I know this is not part of the plan, but given the circumstances we need your assistance just a little while longer. Then you can scurry back while we handle Dreadwood.”

He pointed at the barked offender, and commanded. “Alright! You stand over there, Zach you go over there, I’ll be here. Just tug as hard as you can until the stupid thing moves.” 

Melissa followed where Leslie pointed, and looked over to see Zachary shrug. “Sorree, Mehlissa.”

“No, no. It’s fine. Let’s just get this done with so you all can get this day over with,” Melissa grumbled. She was very, very much regretting that her chair rest hadn’t been longer as she eyed the thick root, but without further complaint she crouched to get her hands underneath the scratchy length of the root. The position was awkward, and just feeling the unyielding form was making Melissa sweat. 

Zachary and Leslie followed suit, both braced on either side of Melissa. “Alright, we pull out in three, two, one!”

All three of them began pulling with all of their might, yanking and pulling. Immediately, the muscles that Melissa had only just gotten to rest after everything were sore as her feet slid across the sandy floor. It only took a few seconds of yanking for sweat to start soaking into Melissa’s disguise. Once again, with all the fervor of beating a dead horse, Melissa cursed herself for never bothering to exercise before today. 

Zachary and Leslie only seemed to be marginally more successful than Melissa, Zachary’s fingernails scraping lines as he snarled in exertion while Leslie huffed and puffed like a tiny dog attempting to yank a toy out of their owner’s hands. The root almost seemed to be mocking them by not moving a single inch regardless, the only hint something might be happening being the splinters on her fingers and feeling of sap covering Melissa’s palms.

“Will… you… move?!” Leslie snapped, and before anyone else could he stepped back and whipped out his shotgun. Melissa squawked and flinched away before he peppered the persistent root with a deluge of sizzling purple ooze that clung on in blobby droplets. Melissa swore she could hear a groan of pain emanating from all around them, not unlike the settling of an old house, as sections of bark sizzled then peeled off to reveal richly colored wood that too began to corrode. 

But it was effective. Slowly, reluctantly, the root began to shrink back. Not all the way, but just enough that the gate ponderously groaned up just a little bit more to crawling-height before stalling again.

“I…I think that’s as large of a gap as we can make. That root is wedged in there deep ,” Melissa panted before glaring at Leslie. “Also, you nearly shot me!”

Leslie closed his eyes and took a breath. “...Apologies, my frustration got the better of me. But… at least the damn thing is sort of open.”

Zachary was still crouching, nonplussed by Leslie’s display in favor of evaluating the narrow opening before them. After a moment the soldier piped up. “Mmm, methinks we squeeze under. It’ll be very dirty, but unless stupid root stop being stuck, not much other way to do.”

Leslie grimaced, but sighed. “We don’t have a choice, do we?”

“C’mon, you not that scared of getting coat dirty?” Zachary teased. The soldier smirked at Leslie’s impudent eye roll, and just shrugged. “Look, let me go under first. I see if there Plant on other side, then you go.”

Leslie thought for a moment before nodding. “Very well. I’ll keep watch.” The scientist paused, giving a long look at the ajar gate before turning about.

Before Zachary could drop, Melissa blurted, “Zach!”

He blinked and turned around. Melissa gave a tight grin and said, “Stay safe, okay?”

There was a beat of silence as his bugged green eyes shone in the fading light. Then, Zachary gave a thumbs up and without further ado dropped to all fours. Angling himself so his jetpack wouldn’t smack on the bottom of the gate, he began to wriggle through the small gap. It was awkward, slow progress with how Zachary had to wedge himself on one side and push himself through like a gangly, sideways turtle.

As Leslie looked around, eyes narrowed, Melissa began to turn. If she was no longer needed, then she could go back to the safety of the building. A part of her felt guilty… but she knew Zachary was amazing at what he did. She’d seen him mopping up fights that not even regular trained human soldiers could take on or even walk out of intact.

He’d be fine! You just need to worry about yourself for now and wait.

Melissa still found herself walking slowly though, unable to stop looking away just to make sure that something wasn’t going to happen. Zachary wriggled and crawled under the gate until it was just his feet visible. Then the slim view of his boot and sock disappeared about before his spoke, voice heavily muffled through the thick wood. “Okie, Leslie, all clear!”

The scientist physically cringed as he looked down at the gap between the gate and the dirt. Somehow, he looked even more disturbed by the notion of crawling on his hands and feet than he was facing down a literal army of sunflowers. But, slowly, he put his goo shotgun onto his belt and started to kneel down. 

Melissa herself began to turn, ready to retreat back to her beckoning shelter-

-And froze at the same time as a wide-eyed, tiny purple mushroom. 

No, scratch that: the two purple mushrooms – Nightcaps – with burning violet eyes shadowed under their cap and an oddly translucent scarf coming out from a thick collar of mycelium, and the group of swirl-eyed Hypno Shrooms that all stopped in the process of hopping or climbing up the ledge and tip-toeing toward the gate. 

They stared. She stared. 

And then, Melissa screamed, “ Leslie we have A PROBLEM! ” 

The scientist yelped and skidded about on all fours to stare wide-eyed at the fungi intrusion behind them. Their hair literally seemed to straighten for a full second as he joined the stare-off, not unlike a startled cat – at least until his hands snapped down to rip his blaster from his belt. 

The moment the goo blaster was in his hands, the Nightcaps roused from their surprise first and immediately flew into action. 

Melissa had never seen Nightcaps in action, unlike most other Elite plants which she’d at the very least seen from a distance. At most she’d seen images of them in some age-old Plant army presentation boasting about their unparalleled advantage against the zombies. She’d heard that Nightcaps were meant to be the light, fast Elite plant to match the imps: fragile but agile, who hit hard on top of being sneakier than any ninja. Immediately those sayings were proven true as the two Nightcaps blurred .

One blinked from view, only a small puff of sand indicating where they once were. The other let out an oddly wispy cry and threw… well, Melissa wasn’t entirely sure how to describe it other than a compressed orb of pure shadow. The sight made Leslie let out an oddly avian shriek and the scientist dove to the side just barely in time to avoid the sphere as it landed and then expanded rapidly into a dome of translucent, shadowy darkness. Even though he was fast, he wasn’t fast enough as Leslie’s legs were caught in the sphere, and his fall was slowed to a sluggish faceplant. 

Yet, the scientist scrambled on all fours to move before he poofed in a puff of smoke to avoid the Nightcaps throwing out their arms to unleash blade-like projectiles that exploded on the ground.

What the-?

Are they just throwing knives? Out of nothing? How does that work!?

Both Nightcaps relentlessly began to pursue Leslie, clearly marking the scientist as the higher-priority target. Their tiny nub arms flowed in intricate patterns, the shadow under their cap belying only their narrowed eyes. Even with such short legs they were darting about and even hopping on seemingly thin air as they endeavored to liberate Leslie from the mortal plane.

To his credit though, the zombie scientist was dodging most of the blades, as he hissed right back at his pint-sized opponents. With vengeance he began saturating everywhere around him with a corrosive rain of ooze. But compared to the small, compressed bursts of sunlight from the Sunflowers, the violet blades the Nightcaps were unleashing from their stubby but dextrous nubs were clearly ripping holes in the lab coat along with thin, oozing violet slashes across his chest that were making him stumble as he tried to hit both of his air-jumping targets.

That left Melissa staring down the limbless, but numerous tie-dye colored Hypno Shrooms. A good five pairs of swirly, zoned out eyes were facing her and Melissa didn’t exactly have much room to maneuver with Leslie and the Nightcap’s brawl already taking up half of the broken concrete platform. Before her lawn had been cleared she’d never used Hypno Shrooms much, and she clawed at her foggy memories to recall what exactly it was they did.

Did they have projectiles? I mean, I sort of remember something about them hypnotizing zombies that eat them… but I can’t imagine these things being able to jump up and shove themselves in my mouth. Right?

A few hopped up, and Melissa flinched when they released a difficult to follow pulse of pinkish energy. The beams traveled fast, and she was too close to dodge. Melissa could only brace as they impacted and did…

A grand total of nothing. Well, there was a faint niggle of something in her head vaguely reminiscent of the start of a headache, but little else as the pinkish pulses fizzled into nothing upon contact. The Hypno Shrooms that had fired froze as Melissa raised her eyebrow at them, their spiral eyes actually snapping out of their perpetual spins into regular, pink-dots as they gaped at her. 

Whatever that was, it didn’t work, Melissa’s mind raced. Is it because I’m a human instead of the zombie I’m supposed to look like? 

Yes, that has to be! They can’t hypnotize me like they normally do! 

And if they couldn’t attack her with those weird psychic bullets/pulses… Melissa evaluated her targets once more. Tiny mushrooms, reliant on hypnosis and mind control to control zombies which she wasn’t , with a very distinct lack of other limbs…

The Hypno Shrooms seemed to come to the same conclusion at the same time Melissa did, and in unison all their caps drained of color.

Now would have been a great time to use the Unkind Rewind, but it had no ammunition. So there was only one rather convenient defense mechanism Melissa could call upon: She ran up to the nearest mushroom and with technique that would make a pro football player proud punted it off the edge. 

It went squealing all the way down, and Melissa spun about and without hesitation smashed her foot into another mushroom. For one minute there was nothing but the sounds of squeaky mushroom hopping, and squeals as her feet went left and right. In just moments, Melissa was panting in a thoroughly Hypno Shroom-free environment. And just in the nick of time too, as one then a second high-pitched shrill came from behind her.

Melissa pivoted to see Leslie panting, his coat well and thoroughly torn to shreds on one side and his non-shotgun wielding arm hanging limply by his side. The scientist grimaced as he rolled his shoulder, eye twitching. “Well this is just grand . Absolutely spiffing . It was an ambush .”

“Leslie, Melissa, you okie?” Zachary shouted. 

Oh right, Zachary! He can’t see what’s happening. Bending down Melissa could see Zachary plastered to the floor so he could peer under the gap, green eyes wide. “I hear noise but hard to tell what is through door!”

“We got ambushed, but we’re okay! It was… surprisingly quick,” Melissa said.

“Yes, quick, you just got Hypno Shrooms I got bundled and nearly vanquished by two Nightcaps . Very quick and fair indeed,” Leslie grumbled.

“Well, it’s over with, isn’t it?” Melissa asked. “I mean, it looked like it was just the-”

Melissa and Leslie went rigid at the sudden scuff behind them. As one their heads snapped, and it was now Melissa’s turn to blanch at the absolute horde of Plants behind them. They weren’t nearly as close as the mushrooms that had just attacked, being more toward the communications tower and its base a good dozen feet back… but that was a cold comfort for the sheer numbers that they beheld.There were more Nightcaps and Hypno Shrooms, but also Weeds wielding a gardening shed’s worth of weaponry, Wildflowers and their Dandelions, and even a few Peashooters and Acorns scattered amongst them. Every single one looked pissed .

“Oh, this is not good ,” Melissa whispered.

“What’s happening? What going on?” Zachary shouted as they stood in mute horror, confusion and concern creeping into his voice. “...Do you need me to come back out?”

That seemed to trigger something amongst the Plants, and they began to move with extra haste. In particular one Nightcap jumped, then mid-air twirled and floated in defiance of gravity as a blade charged in their hands. Then-

Schwick!

-Their hands lashed out with an even bigger, flying shadowy blade as they unleashed a primal cry. Melissa immediately screamed, “Duck!” and let herself drop flat to the ground on her back, eyes wide as she followed the path of the blade. Leslie ducked… but it was unnecessary. 

The shot went wide and instead of carving into either disguised human or zombie, it went overhead and with a deafening krak sliced into the root holding the gate.

A- what? Why did they do that? 

The gate was frozen in place for a few seconds as whatever hidden gears controlling it groaned. There was a loud klik as something triggered, and rather than continue going up as she expected it to do the gate shuddered in place once, like a stalling garage door.

Confusion, then dawning horror raced through Melissa’s head. If the door wasn’t going to keep opening, it meant that it was going to close. And if the root was no longer there to hold the gate-

Melissa craned her neck back to look back beneath the gate and screamed . “ZACHARY, GET BACK!”

The soldier, who’d been in the process of going back down and starting to slide under the door, flinched and scuttled back. And just barely in time as the gate groaned and then slammed shut with devastating impact. 

Oh god, they really were planning on crushing him with the gate!

Melissa comforted herself with the thought, At least he’s got out from under it in time. But that still leaves us with…

“Good god, they collaborated with Dreadwood before he fell asleep to get the jump on us,” Leslie whispered. As Melissa pushed up from the ground she found herself backing up to the scientist, both staring at the approaching horde. “I… I don’t know if we can repel that many plants without needing Respawn or-”

Melissa chewed the inside of her cheek, trying to think of something. Fighting was definitely out of the question… but was there anywhere to run to? The path between the gate and the shelter of the communications building was clogged with Plants. The only way off was either to try climbing up the wall, and that wasn’t going to happen. They were surrounded by flora, that swamp water, and-

Melissa blinked. Wait. The swamp…

“Leslie? How deep is the swamp water?”

“I- what?” Leslie was bracing his shotgun, but snapped his head around with an incredulous look. “Why are you asking about the swamp water?”

“Just tell me! How deep is the water!?”

Leslie’s goggles spun, and to Melissa’s curiosity she could see lines of unknown meaning shimmering on their glassy surface. “...Fairly shallow, but certain spots have sunken in due to instability from the rapidly growing trees and previous construction.”

“What’s the deepest spot of water near our location?”

Leslie squinted at Melissa as though she’d grown extra eyes, and then tensed. “Oh. Oh, please don’t tell me you’re proposing what I think you’re proposing.”

“Do we have any better options?” Melissa hissed back.

 The scientist’s face pinched, and he rapidly began to pull Melissa backward. He swiveled his head about as they put meager steps between them and a flora themed death, goggles humming and buzzing yet again. His gaze fixed on one side, and he inclined his head as he hastily whispered, “...There, it looks like there was a sinkhole that got filled in with water. With luck, it’ll be deep enough for us to jump into… and we will not break bones on any underwater debris.”

Melissa followed where he looked to a thick, marshy patch of tall grass and dark water. The murky depths didn’t look appealing in the slightest… but it was either that or get riddled with shadowy blades by the very things that once protected her. She tightened her fists. “We’ll just have to take that chance.”

Before either she or Leslie could rethink their life decisions she had grabbed Leslie’s free hand and then with a one-two frantic dash she charged toward the edge. Leslie yelped as his feet flailed to keep up with her steady, frantic pounding ones. The plants encroaching all cried out at their sudden motion, and she could feel sand erupting from behind them as stray shots impacted where they were just standing. But she didn’t dare look back to see how close they were, she put down her head eyes fixed on the dark water.

God I hope I remember how to dive.

Then, with Leslie’s hand clamped in hers and the scientist shrieking, “Let go let go I KNOW HOW TO RUN DAMMIT!” Melissa jumped.

It was a marked difference from the rocket jumping she’d been doing with Zachary. As much as the up and down along with the threat of falling made it decidedly not fun, there was a comfort to be derived from having Zachary so near. But, even for the very brief few seconds they were airborne and falling, Melissa found herself desperately wishing for that assurance from his presence.

But there was nothing to be done for that. They fell, and then-

SPLASH!

-made impact as they plunged into the depths. 

Melissa had just enough mind to hold her breath, close her eyes, and aim her feet so they wouldn’t do a painful bellyflop, but as they went under her skin immediately crawled with the sensations of the water scum. Her clothes and backpack hung about her like buoyant chains (although in the back of her head she patted herself on the back for at least thinking to wrap her things in waterproof bags). But she only sank a bit underneath the cumulative weight before the tip of her foot touched the ground. Her eyes dared to open, and immediately she grimaced as they stung in the murky depths. 

There was so much gunk in the water that she could just barely see the tall stalks of plants, the sloping brown ground beneath her feet, the stream of bubbles from her nose as she pressed her mouth shut to not inhale the filthy fluid around her, and faint beams of sunlight piercing through the closing gap in the surface’s murk. With her blurry vision though, she could just barely see the silhouette of Leslie, the scientist clinging to her hand.

The scientist gesticulated with his shotgun hand, face unreadable. After a moment the shape that vaguely resembled his mouth pressed shut and he tugged her hand in an upward direction. She didn’t need a translator to piece together that he wanted to get back up . With how her lungs began the pangs of need to breathe, she wasn’t going to protest. She began kicking her legs, swinging her free hand about. 

Melissa hadn’t ever swam much, but as a kid she’d at least gotten a few lessons on how to not drown and even with all the running the thrill of life versus death was enough to fuel her. Leslie’s own swimming was more akin to a dog flailing in a pool, but still at least propelled themselves up and up, toward the space in muck they’d made with their dive.

Melissa’s lungs were screaming when her head broached the surface, and the second the water parted from her vision she was gasping. “Oh sweet sweet air! We lived!”

Leslie’s head popped up, his spiky wild mop now drenched and flopped over like a damp mop. The scientist spat out water, and didn’t waste any time hissing back at Melissa. “Not quite yet! If we don’t move, we’ll just be sitting targets! Swim that way!”

He jabbed his shotgun, nozzles dripping with dilute purple and muck, away from the gate. Melissa grimaced as the sounds of tinny, notably frustrated cries reintroduced themselves to her ears, and was more than happy to oblige as they both paddled in the direction Leslie pointed toward. Now that they were in air Melissa couldn’t help but fear that at any moment, bullets could start tearing through their backs as they flailed forward. Yet, by some miracle of the sun or whatever deities were out there, either the two were out of range or the Plants wanted to kill them up close and personal as she could hear them moving again.

They flailed their way forward until Melissa’s hand plunged not into water but into loose mud. She gasped and scrabbled forward with her one hand, yanking Leslie forward with a grunt. The two clumsily staggered forward, hands finally separating so they could flail from the deep into shallower wading height. The mud was slippery, and it took multiple tries for Melissa to get standing. 

As soon as she did though, she was running. Out of the water her stolen Browncoat clothing and backpack were both filthy and soaked, hanging off of her like lead weights. In the open air, both the water on them and the scum in the water below them were conspiring to make every step a laborious slog, mitigated only by the fact that it was only a few inches high outside of the deep water. At the very least the fear of death did wonders for propelling her even past her accumulated fatigue. 

Leslie followed suit and was able to keep pace even with both of his legs twisted at odd angles. He shook his head like a wet dog as he drew beside Melissa, eye twitching with a glance down at his scum covered lab coat. 

“Wretched plants, wretched swamp! This is going to take forever to wash out!” the scientist hissed to himself as he shook out his shotgun. 

“Is that really your priority right now?” Melissa hissed back at him. “We need to lose line of sight so we don’t get gunned down while we’re running! Do you know any places to go?”

Leslie grimaced, goggles flashing. “There are some places we could get to… but there are some Plants that can easily cut us off at these speeds once we start slowing down. Unless…”

The scientist raised his weapon, looking specifically at a conspicuous red button on its side. “I’ve been tinkering with the standard Scientist short-range field teleportation recently. It’s still in a prototyping phase, but I have been trying to improve the strength of the teleportation, including teleporting multiple people…”

“What does that mean?” Melissa panted, legs beginning to burn.

“I won’t be able to use my weapon due to how I wired my teleporter into it, but if I just-” Leslie tapped several buttons on the esoteric weapon, conjuring a series of truly alien noises from the device. “-Adjust the settings so, then we can do-”

Leslie tensed, the robotic claw arms on his headband twitching to face back and buzzing. With one hand shifting from the grip of the shotgun to grasp onto the body, one finger hovering over the red button, his other arm wrapped around Melissa’s shoulder and pulled her closer to him. “-Apologies if this is uncomfortable, but close proximity is required for this to work right!” 

Even if she’d had the mind to (which she didn’t), Melissa wouldn’t have even had a chance to protest. His finger came down with a deceptively simple click, then a-

-zziiiiiiiip!

They were quite suddenly a good dozen paces of where they’d just been, skin tingling and a faint violet cloud of smoke and rapidly-dissipating energy around them. In just a few seconds Melissa’s stomach did what felt like five flip turns as the world blinked out and then, just as swiftly, blinked back in. It wasn’t nearly as nauseous or mind-bending as that strange blue vortex she’d been taken through to the zombie base… but that wasn’t much reassurance. Melissa gagged and tried to swallow down the throatful of acid that seethed up into her mouth as they shambled forward in semi-unison, somehow not tripping over each other’s feet. 

“Apologies!” Leslie muttered as the scientist fidgeted with the teleportation button on his gun. “Teleportation can be much for first-time users… just don’t get sick on me, alright? Because-”

Melissa yelped when something splashed down and splattered across the side of her soaked pants. It didn’t hurt much beyond a stinging sensation, but Melissa couldn’t stop from yelping.

Leslie just grimaced. “-We’re going to need as much distance we can!” The scientist squeezed Melissa tighter to his side, and rammed the button again.

Zzzzziiiiip!

Again her stomach, and other adjacent systems, expressed their displeasure. She was sure Melissa’s actual skin was starting to look as green as the facepaint she was wearing. In contrast Leslie’s face remained set with determination, only twitching as the sound of projectiles tearing into the mucky water and splashing them from behind. He was completely focused as his fingers danced across the shotgun, taking them just barely out of reach of a floral demise one burst of smoke at a time.

Again and again, with only a few moments in between, Leslie hit the teleport button, leaving a trail of light-purple smoke. But even with their breakneck pace, the projectile rain seemed to only intensify out of spite. The Plant’s persistence was impressive, considering how Leslie was zipping Melissa and himself about on a bizarre, unpredictable path that Melissa couldn’t even speculate their final destination of in the increasingly samey-looking swamp. 

They got deeper into the foul mess as the projectile rain continued unrelenting, and Leslie’s already pinched face turned foul. “Urgh, I was hoping to test this function more before the field, but I can’t think of any other way to lose these idiots before my equipment dies!”

Melissa opened her mouth, but rather than conjure a could only wheeze out, “What?”. Her poor body was begging her lungs for more and more breaths, and it was the adrenaline that was preventing her body from feeling like a deflated squeeze-toy. Leslie interpreted her noise for the question it was, and elaborated.

“Longer range ‘stealth’ teleport. It’s going to take more energy and it’ll cook the shotgun for a good minute. With how long we’ve been using the teleport in succession on top of my alterations, we’ll be left dead in the water after using it. I need to find the right place to go to, so we can hunker down and wait!”

With impressive dexterity Leslie shifted his grip on the shotgun remote and fidgeted with it. Melissa used the moment to glance behind her. It was hard to gauge how large the pursuit was, but she glimpsed hints of purple caps and fluttery green leaves past the explosions of water. 

“Alright, got it set up! Now I just need a moment to locate an appropriate location to warp to!” Leslie exclaimed, hope creeping into his voice. 

Of course, because if anything fueled the Plants in this forest it had to be spite, that was the moment one of the purple-capped Nightcaps let out a potent shriek of frustration and unleashed-

HOLY SHIT!

 If the strange, shadowy projectiles the mushrooms had been using had been scary to behold, this was one screamed lethality. It streaked toward them, a dark gash in the air that was making a malicious whisper as it raced at them. 

In the few moments that passed, slowed down only slightly by the rush of survival instinct, there was only one thought in Melissa’s head.

Oh sun oh sun get DOWN!

Melissa deliberately overstepped and threw her body forward, head turning and tucking in. Leslie yelped as they suddenly went from going forward to going down . As they fell, the sound of the hissing blade was too soon right on top of them, light almost being blotted out as just in the corner of her eye Melissa could see it directly behind them at the perfect angle to slice through them both-

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppp!

-and then they face-planted together onto a large, disgustingly green glob of mud in a dark, cramped and smelly space.

“ Phhhhbbbt !” Leslie lifted up his head to spit out a mouthful of mud. He let go and scrambled up, cringing in disgust as he beheld his front. He shot Melissa a foul glare, also getting up and grimacing at the disgusting feeling of mud sliding down the front of the definitely-ruined Browncoat shirt and onto her skin beneath. “Good brainz ! What the blazes was that for?!”

After taking a moment to catch her breath, Melissa shakily replied, “Giant shadow knife. It was either we get our heads cut off or get dirty… dirtier.”

“I-w-well–you-!” Leslie sputtered, waving about his shotgun, equally befouled by the swamp muck they’d plowed into with streaks of mud coating every inch of formerly shiny metal. Faintly, she could smell something burning before Leslie hissed and flicked his wrist to shake off clumps of dirty-brown algae. 

“Ugh! I… I can’t even blame you for that. We’re at least where I was aiming. But if you’d-!”

They both fell silent at the faint yodeling and cautious plop-plop of leaves shuffling through the water, distant but rapidly coming closer. Instinctively they pressed together and backed up into one side of the dark space before standing as still as they could. 

Melissa’s eyes slowly adjusted as they huddled, until she could tell what they were surrounded by were thick roots. These were not unlike the ones that had covered the gate, though a good bit smaller in exchange for numbers (and hopefully minus a sapient tree attached to them). They were leaned against a currently-unseeable mass of dirt made bumpy with weaving tendrils, yet more sturdy roots arcing over them and then back down into the water to form an almost cage-like structure, though a brief glance to one side revealed there was at least an opening, low and narrow. Thin slats of sunlight were peeking through the gaps in the roots, only large enough for them to see shadowy hints of motion from outside their impromptu shelter, growing larger as their Plant owners traipsed into the area.

Melissa could pick up the strains of confusion in the zoo of floral noise that was soon coming from everywhere around their shelter. In the corner of her eye, Leslie was tense and wide eyed, holding his goo shotgun above the water with a hand that was ever so slightly trembling. Just below the noise outside she could hear the shotgun’s metal still sizzling, a light whiff of steam flashing from its surface in the scant light. 

The noise of shuffling leaves and pensive humming, unintelligible noise of the Plants talking with one another, hovered around them. It was not deafening, but even the silent wshh of leaves skimming water seemed deafening, just too close, just on the brink of finding them . 

Then, slowly the sounds began to fade away. After minutes that felt like an eternity, it was just the bubbling of the water, the creaking of the trees, and the duo sighing in relief.

“Oh soil and stones, we’re alive ,” Melissa wheezed. She slumped, ignoring the sensation of more mud coating her ruined Browncoat pants to take in some much needed deep breaths. Again, just for herself, Melissa whispered, “We’re alive .”

The zombie scientist relaxed after another moment, letting his gun arm lower (though keeping the shotgun above the water). They didn’t speak for a long moment, just savoring the absence of sound other than the forest’s ambiance. Sheer relief wasn’t too detracted by Melissa’s muscles screaming at her for an actual, proper rest. And honestly, she was ready for it: who needed to see things through when she could just collapse right here and sleep for the next two days?

Leslie thankfully wasn’t nearly so tuckered out. The scientist turned his shotgun over in his hand, eyes squinting to see in the darkened room. He tapped a finger against the end before hissing and flinched back in a hiss. “ Criminy , I don’t think I’ve ever pushed my equipment this far before… it’ll be a miracle if no internal components melted.”

After a moment of consideration, Leslie continued “...Although this place is keeping us out of sight, I would like to get to someplace drier. If we have to try running back to the gate, or to the factory to rouse reinforcements – if those bumbling morons even are maintaining their weapons at this point –” Leslie grumbled, “-- I need to make sure my teleportation module, and my whole goo blaster for that matter,  isn’t going to die.”

“Where do we go though?” Melissa asked. Her throat was no longer burning from exertion, but her words were more sluggish than before. 

“Hmm…” Leslie didn’t answer immediately. He walked over to the cage-like wall of roots surrounding them and peered through the various gaps. Slowly, he paced along the circumference of their shelter to look about until he crouched to look through the small exit. After a moment, Leslie pointed out through the slim gap in the tree roots. 

“Look!” Leslie whispered as they shuffled forward, underneath the root-canopy. He pointed. “It looks like there’s a cactus outpost! All the cacti were moved out of Weirding Woods a few weeks ago, but it looks like they forgot to clear out their fortifications!”

It was easy enough to see, on a chunk of concrete nestled just high enough above the swamp to not be flooded with water but low enough to simply step up onto, seemingly carved into the soil proper rather than naturally forming. Squinting, Melissa could glimpse the distinct shape of the massive Wallnuts and Tallnuts. However, she’d only ever seen them tied together in the formation they were in by Elite cacti. The nuts sitting pretty at the entrance there would’ve blended into the dun brown of their surroundings, if it weren’t for the whites of their wandering eyes.

“If you’re worried about the nuts ratting on us, don’t worry,” Leslie muttered to Melissa, already anticipating the question. “Potted Wallnuts like those barely have enough mind to string together a thought. They also certainly don’t speak.”

The scientist glanced around once more, narrowed eyes scanning their surroundings through the gaps in the roots. Then he began again, voice low and furtive. “I think they lost our immediate trail, but we need to lay low while we’re this badly outgunned and outnumbered. I think the equipment should have cooled down enough to do one more long range teleport. We go there and then account for our current equipment and location so we can decide where to go from here. Any questions?”

Melissa mutely shook her head, slowly getting back to her feet despite her mental groan at having to move again . Without further ado Leslie again wrapped his arm to her shoulder. He paused briefly when Melissa hissed at the sudden, stinging ache with the contact. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, just sore,” Melissa muttered.

“Hm,” Leslie blinked at her, but didn’t press any further. His hand didn’t tighten as much as it did when they had been doing their teleportation chaining, opting to lightly rest as he shifted his gun-wielding hand in position to press the button-

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppp!

-and in a blink they were in a significantly drier environment, sand and dirt mixing into a crunchy mixture underneath their sudden weight. As they dripped water onto the floor, Melissa immediately appreciated this location more than the sheltered but nasty root-cave. This space was more open, more like a short tunnel with two door-height entrances. Both were guarded by corresponding Wallnut/Tallnut barricades, the nuts’ backs facing them as the fortifications silently gazed out. She could see faint impressions in the dirt, some slightly deeper and smaller and shallow drag marks that looked to have been pacing enough to leave divots behind the barricades.

After a moment of appraisal, Leslie grunted in approval.

“We should be safe here,” Leslie let go of her shoulder and stepped away, looking around the cramped space of roots and dirt. “Just give me a moment to make sure my shotgun doesn’t have any melted components. You keep watch outside and let me know if you see any sign of the Plants coming back. It should only take a few moments for me to determine our situation.”

“Sounds good,” Melissa panted. She was more than happy to let herself flop against the back of the Wallnut/Tallnut barricade, sliding down to her knees. Peering over the top of the living wall, Melissa surveyed the dimming swamp and immediately appreciated the wide open view. She couldn’t recognize where they’d come from, which did send a thrill of terror through her. 

We’re so far from the factory and the gate… and from Zach.

Oh sun, is Zachary going to be alright? We left him all alone to fight Dreadwood!

After a moment of consideration, Melissa chuffed to herself. Considering everything she’d seen of Zachary today?  

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who could genuinely qualify to be a one-man army… yeah, I think I know which horse to bet on for this race.

I actually feel sorry for Dreadwood and whatever Plants he has. 

Melissa continued gazing out into the forest. Now that they weren’t in immediate danger of being gunned down, she could really take in the forest as she’d done so upon entering.

Has it really just been a day? It feels like it's been a year instead.

Considering how much they’d been attacked by Plants, Melissa thought she would’ve started hating this forest. And… well, she did honestly hate this forest. Frankly, if she could spend the rest of her life never seeing another evergreen tree or swamp Melissa would be overjoyed. 

But with the newfound calm, she found herself appreciating just a little bit of how everything looked now that it was still. The sun shining past the thick clusters of waving trees had turned a dusky orange, not fully in the evening yet but early in the stages of preparing for its nightly rest. It shimmered off of everything, even the disgusting water they’d trudged through, like a hundred thousand topaz pieces. The sounds of the lullaby, forgotten in their flight, faintly sang through the forest still with its supernaturally soothing tones, pairing with the sleepy creaking of the Dreadwood trees in an unexpectedly pleasing duet. A little bit closer, she could even hear a bird singing.

Melissa’s eyes fluttered. 

Maybe we could just… wait it out here? I wouldn’t mind it. Just wait until Zachary cleans out the house and then we just get out.

She smiled to herself.

After this, we both deserve something nice. Maybe I can order out some Chomper Pizza, or some tacos. I can take a nice, long hot shower, and then we’ll both just sit on the couch and watch crime shows until we’re both knocked out for… oh, I don’t know, sleep for the whole week. 

A minute passed as Melisssa gazed. As much as she still couldn’t help but feel an undercurrent of worry for Zachary all by himself with the Plant monster controlling these hell woods, Melissa was actually… relaxed. For now, everything was just calm.

A few more minutes passed. 

Seemingly without any reason, a prickle of unease roused Melissa from her stupor. It took a moment for Melissa to realize that the sounds of Leslie tinkering with his goo shotgun had actually stopped a little ago.

Oh, did he finish?

But… he would’ve said something if he finished, right?

“...Leslie?” Melissa whispered. “Are you okay?”

She turned, gripping the top of the barricade more tightly. It took a moment for her to process the scene before she froze .

The scientist was still standing, shotgun no longer smoking but rather sheathed. Instead of tinkering or talking, Leslie was instead staring at the glove that’d been clenched around her shoulder, hand battered in a way that Melissa hadn’t noticed. 

She’d thought they’d managed to fully avoid that shadow blade scot free in the heat of the moment. But now she could see that it hadn’t been a clean miss. Two of Leslie’s fingers had been cut down into nubs, purple blood staining the rims of the cut-off glove fingers and his hand misshapen. The shiny yellow latex was even more discolored thanks to the thin sheen of scum and drying water, mixing with the laborious bleed to make a truly hideous palette.

But even with all of that mess, no one could’ve missed the shiny liquid stain of watery but bright red lightly smeared across Leslie’s palm.

Melissa gasped, making Leslie’s eyes dart to her. She flinched back, pressing against the barricade. Slowly, with all the predatory sureness of a cat looking at a caged canary, Leslie turned to better face her.

“And now, all the pieces come together,” Leslie rasped, eyes hidden beneath the ominous shine of his goggles.

Melissa scrambled back, shaking. Leslie didn’t follow her, looking back down with a pondering gaze at the traitorous color all across his gloves. He hummed as he rubbed the droplets of her traitorously vibrant blood in between two fingers, smearing it. “A human masquerading as a zombie. Who. Would. Have. Thought ? ”

Melissa started to shake her head and speak… but no words besides a strangled choke escaped her tightening throat.

No no no no no no.

How did that happen? I-I didn’t get any injuries, did I?

But how-

A glance back at Leslie’s missing digits lit up a lightbulb above her head. If it weren’t for the iron grip of fear coiling itself around her, Melissa would’ve snarled at the dawning clarity.

That damn shadow blade didn’t just cut Leslie’s shoulder, it must have nicked me too!

She glanced down at where Leslie’d been holding her during all of those teleports, and on her soaked skin she could see a long, thin, diluted line of blood creeping through a new slit in the threadbare Browncoat shirt. Such a small injury… and it had betrayed her in the worst way possible.

Melissa turned back, eyes wide. Leslie’s head was now cocked to the side, gray eyes piercing. “I have to give you credit, you actually had me fooled. I suspected… but I didn’t really expect a human of all things.”

A disturbing smile curved into existence, making Melissa flinch again. “I don’t suppose you’d tell me what your mission here was, hm? Are you a plant spy? Some human with delusions of ‘researching’ or ‘taking out’ the zombies from the inside?”

“I-I-”

“Some kind of stunt? Information gathering?” Leslie took a step closer, and his smile only widened as Melissa flinched again. “Then again, whatever you tell me likely won’t matter. Protocol should pry whatever answers we need from you.”

Finally, Melissa croaked out, “W-What protocol?”

“Standard human processing protocol,” Leslie said as casually someone would check the weather. “You know, the usual. Collection of information, physical check, harvesting of relevant brain data…” The zombie scientist’s demeanor cracked ever so slightly as a thin line of drool crept from the corner of his mouth, “... removal of all edible parts and the brain.”

“W-wait,” Melissa whispered. 

She forced herself to stand, hands up and open even as they quaked. “Wait, wait! Please, you don’t want to do this!”

“It’s not a matter of whether I want to do it or not,” Leslie replied. His voice betrayed neither glee nor guilt over everything he just said he was planning on doing to her, though she could see a glint of hunger and malice shining behind his glass lenses. “This is what needs to be done. After all, I can’t have you scampering back to the Plants to spill information. Although… you really didn’t think through if you were going to risk them killing you so often. Did you not even think to let them know you were traipsing about?”

Leslie advanced again, fingers dancing. Suddenly, Melissa had a flashback to just a few months back: of cold, grasping fingers and bony limbs pressing down with the strength of a human several times the mass and size, rotting gums and teeth that were still perfectly capable of cracking bone moving down razor teeth stained with blood right next to her eye -

A gap toothed smile and lime-green eyes.

Melissa blurted, “W-What about Zachary?” 

That made Leslie freeze. His eyes widened for a moment, and Melissa’s tremors slowed just so slightly at the change in his demeanor. 

Wait… could he actually listen?

She had up to this point managed to convince everyone else that she was just some weird browncoat… maybe she could spin what Leslie had been saying to something else? Maybe that she was… she didn’t know, a secret Zombie double-agent? Some sort of elaborate automaton meant to look like a human who just wanted to dress up as a zombie?

Just as suddenly as Melissa tried to cobble together something out of this dawning nightmare, Leslie’s face suddenly flashed with rage . It was brief, but it was enough to make Melissa startle.

“Yes, that was a question I needed to ask…” Leslie hissed. “How did you fool Zachary into buying your charade?”

She stared, silent. Her mind was once again lost for words. What should she say? Immediately, she balked at the thought of telling the truth that it was in fact not her idea but Zachary’s own idea to dress her up as a zombie and cart her to the woods, too eager and excited to think ahead. They’d both been saying that they were close friends… but if she were to somehow insinuate that Zachary had been behind all this in his own bumbling fashion? 

Would he think I was just trying to lie?

…Or would he believe it?

Both options sounded thoroughly horrible, and neither was a sleeping bear Melissa wanted to poke. But… maybe she could take this from a different angle. There was no way she could come up with some sort of cohesive argument… but could she maybe buy some sympathy instead?

More slowly, doing her best to keep the tremor from her voice, Melissa said, “L-look, let me… I’ve been spending this whole time helping you and Zach ! I’ve done nothing to… to stop or hinder you! If I were some kind of Plant spy, would I have been doing that?”

That did make Leslie pause. Eagerly, desperately , Melissa forged on. “And what are you going to tell Zach? Maybe he doesn’t know, but after everything are you just going to…” Melissa swallowed, trying not to choke on the words, “...to take me and… what are you going to say to him?”

That made his brow furrow in annoyance – no one needed ears to tell that she was deflecting – and Leslie advanced once more. One small blessing was that the flash of anger was gone, replaced again with his predatory, analytic gaze which was unnerving but at least less volatile. Melissa twitched, unwilling to look away if he were to lunge at her but desperately trying to think of something, anything else to do.

He paused mere steps away, not within grabbing range but far too close for comfort. For one long, cruel minute he did nothing, merely watching Melissa as she squirmed with not enough space or mind to start running, not enough space to think, not enough space to act in time ( freezing again just like when Zel opened the door for them , murder already in their eyes ) , poker face far too solid to read.

Then, Leslie let out a soft growl. “Again, you frustrate me with your logic.” His fingers dart about, twitching toward his pockets where Melissa has no doubt he has other equipment (tools that are going to be turned on her ). “You have proven… adept at coming up with plans, and with negotiations. I… enjoyed talking with you. And Zachary clearly cares about you…”

“Y-yes!” Melissa nodded jerkily, a marionette guided by her desperation. “I…I-”

“But you’ve been lying this entire time!” Leslie snapped. Melissa’s mouth snaps shut. “Do you know how many times the Plants have attempted to seed spies amongst our numbers? Attempted to capture zombies and break them to fit their needs? Perhaps you’re some sort of idiot who went out into to make friends with a zombie for some sort of dare-”

Ouch.

“-but it is just as likely that you’re a double agent!”

Leslie’s eyes were cool as he looked down upon her. “I did not get to be where I am by blindly trusting in the midst of a war.”

The tremors were worsening as Melissa looked at him, a deer in headlights. Leslie sighed once again, a weary note in his voice. Slowly, one of his hands drifted to a pocket in his lab coat. “I don’t know exactly how you managed to trick Zachary into believing your buckethead disguise, or the real reason you have come out into these woods. But rest assured, as is my duty as one of Zomboss’s top scientists, I will capture you and I will learn everything I need.” 

Their stare off was intense enough to put any other standoff to shame. There was the human disguised as a browncoat, pressed against the Plants that should be protecting her ( but were either useless or too late or murderers ) and staring at someone who for a day she thought she might have been enjoying the company of. The zombie scientist stands aloof, demeanor utterly undiminished by the grime that coats him and unfeeling dedication to something else making him utterly unmoveable. 

The third one that should’ve been here is utterly absent.

His eyes contained a distant pity. “...If it would mean anything, I do appreciate your services for the zombie army.” 

Melissa should’ve been frozen stiff… but even as exhausted as she was, a sudden deadly clarity seized her. It was familiar, but unlike that coiling serpent of bilious hate it was instead a blade of visceral focus on one thing only: survival. It’s even more compelling than the fight or flight that led her here, or the frenetic strategizing. It was the absolute conviction that she needed to move to survive.

The absolute, animatlistic conviction that she wanted to live even if afterward she wished she didn’t . Conviction to let herself go numb, look away from Zel dying dying dying so she could rip away from paralyzing vines, out of the house and scream herself hoarse, begging for help help someone help her she’s dying they killed her!

And that was what led her to dive to the side just as Leslie’s arm lashed out of his coat for her like a striking viper. 

Her body was clumsy, but Melissa remained standing as she slammed against the wall and then pivoted. Her knees were bent, legs braced as she posed like some kind of feral animal ( though wasn’t she at this point? ). Leslie followed her motion, wiry body loose and prepared. He was unfairly quick for someone his size carrying an entire gun and pack made of metal – but after living with Zachary as a roommate, Melissa knew better than to judge based on appearances. His other hand has gone back to retrieve his shotgun – Melissa hoped he wouldn’t consider shooting her, but it was more likely he was going for his teleporting button. In his other hand she could now see what he’d attempted to strike her with: another bizarre contraption of a needle injector like the Revive Pen, but with a clear fluid in the visible glass portion instead of the vibrant, glowing violet ooze. Also unlike the Revive pen Melissa suspected, no, knew that this pen wasn’t going to be one that would bring her back to life. 

Leslie lunged again, and Melissa dodged again. There was no detail to Melissa’s thoughts, just her heart pounding in her ears, body howling and a burning need to keep away, stay away . 

Leslie lunged, Melissa dodged. 

Leslie teleported, and Melissa dodged.

“The more you resist, the worse this gets for you.” Leslie said cooly, goggle lens’ glinting.

He lunged, she dodged.

He lunged, she dodged.

A burst of smoke, another strike of the needle hitting thin air but far too close to her arm.

Her breath was lagging, but Melissa didn’t dare let herself stop.

He lunged, she dodged.

“This is getting annoying,” Leslie growled, the pity in his eyes starting to fizzle out in exchange for anger.

Melissa didn’t answer. The steely blade of focus letting her keep moving, keep surviving is persisting, but she was aware enough that her body was screaming at her. It made sense: she’d been walking all day, running from Plants, falling apart and no amount of five minute breaks could sufficiently get her rested.

Something needed to break in their impasse, and it did break as Leslie grit his teeth. He teleported once more, but feinted one way before suddenly ducking another, arm reaching out just enough-

It was only by virtue of sheer instinct Melissa threw up her hands in time to catch both of Leslie’s hands driving the needle forward, point just grazing the surface of her coat. 

The small blessing was that Leslie was nowhere near as strong as Zachary was. The bad news was that the smaller scientist was still just stronger than her, and the inch of space was slowly but steadily closing. 

Leslie snarled as he pressed the needle in, gloved hands clenching beneath Melissa’s own. Her skin was sweaty and slippery, but she pressed back with her heart pounding faster and faster.

“Just- give- it- up!” Leslie snapped, teeth bared. He pressed back, doubly hard. It was enough to press the needle just close enough for Melissa to feel a prick of pain before she shoved it back. He grinned slightly at Melissa’s horrified look, and somehow his strength doubled. “You can’t win . Not against me. ”

The needle begins its descent again. Melissa pushes, pushes, but it doesn’t make progress. Oh sun , everything hurt so badly and she was so tired, but she didn’t want to die. 

Not here, not like this, no she didn’t want to die-!

Suddenly, she pushed not back at Leslie, but up . Their arms went over their heads, and without thinking Melissa’s head lashed out to smash into Leslie’s face.

“ GACK!”

Leslie let go and Melissa stumbled back, forehead smarting. The needle clattered to the ground between them. Melissa panted, very much full of regret because did she really just headbutt a zombie wearing metal goggles? Her forehead stung, and she could already feel the trickle of something wet beginning its trip down her skin.

But she didn’t dare let herself stop. Before Leslie could recover, she instead closed the distance and shoved him down. She’s cognizant enough to watch as he stumbled down off the topmost edge onto the lower concrete jut-out ( wait, did we really make it all the way to that side? ) until-

Well, neither of them had been tracking where they were stepping in the abandoned Cactus outpost. Neither had also considered what Cacti usually liked to leave in their posts, even when they were abandoned. Although cacti were nowhere near the deadliest or most feared of the Plant army, they did earn their spots as among the most formidable fighters for their accuracy, tactical defenses, and of course…

Their hidden trump card: potato mines.

So really, Melissa should not have jumped as much as she did when Leslie went down and then ragdolled up again.

SPUDOW!

Her eyes squinted, and then opened to see that Leslie was gone. Melissa stood there for a good few moments, unmoved as the shockwave of the explosion buffeted her. Her nose was filled with the smell of raw potatoes, starch, and burnt, foul meat, but it didn’t stop her from panting. 

…Potato Mine.

Melissa let out a single bark of deranged laughter and looked down. Lo and behold, there was a spherical divot in the lower concrete step, now surrounded by soot. 

Oh sweet Dave there was a potato mine right there. Sun, how lucky is that?

She stood there longer, that steely edge retracting and exhaustion crashing back down upon her.

I… I lived. And… Leslie’s dead. Just like that.

I… what do I do? What do I… what do I tell Zach ?

I just killed his best friend, and he’s all by himself. I’m still dressed up as a zombie, and who knows if the Plants double back after hearing that explosion?

Her sluggish mind suddenly backtracked.

Double… double back.

Double back… come back.

Come back. Come back.

Respawn.

Melissa’s whole body shuddered when comprehension bore down upon her mercilessly.

No. Leslie’s not dead.

He’s going to Respawn.

Melissa stumbled back, gasping to herself.

He’s going to Respawn, and he’s going to know where I am. And he’s not going to fall for shoving him into a potato mine again.

Her back fell into the wall of the alcove.

I… when did I start… shaking this much? I– I need to calm down.

I need-

I need to run. I need to hide-

No. What good would any of that do?

A new tremor rocked her body. 

Leslie was perhaps not as strong as Zachary, if she could have pushed him in that last-ditch saving throw onto the mine. But Leslie was smart, and every bit a killing machine. She’d seen him in action today – every iota of the zombie that’d outstrategized hordes of plants, that built terrifyingly advanced weapons that shouldn’t have worked but did to deadly effect, was now going to be turning on her .

Leslie is going to come back – and he could appear from wherever he wants, in a place that he already knows and with technology you have no idea how to work around.

Melissa was no fighter. She’d barely even done any fighting before or even now: the most impressive feat of her today was figuring out a few friendly faces to ask for help and punching only a few of the weaker Plants out there. She had no more ammunition, barely enough energy to get on her feet and even stay conscious, and was alone in the middle of the woods.

She had nothing.

Nothing to defend herself with.

She… she needed to…

On autopilot, the most basic animal response as her mind turned itself inside out in irreconcilable torment, her shaking legs forced her back to standing. With no purpose other than a burning need to move, get out, don’t let him find you move get out you need to hide to get away don’t let him find you , she began to stumble out of the abandoned alcove.

I…

I need to…

-!

A gap toothed smile and lime-green eyes.

She stumbled.

I need-

I need to find Zach.

Her body quaked with each sluggish step, overtaxed and suffering. Her arms clenched around her arms, nails digging in to force some form of wakefulness upon her. She didn’t dare even consider sitting – this time, there was no safe spot for her to stay behind in, away from the biting thorns and biting teeth . 

I need to find Zach.

Quietly, barely even aware of anything besides taking each step toward the empty, disgusting swamp, Melissa’s shoulders shook with a sob. 

I n ee d   to  f i nd Zach .

Chapter Text

Respawn was a process that took getting used to, as was the prelude of dying. It was a requirement, as all Elite zombies were expected to go through it at least a few times and it wouldn’t do to be curling up crying over a little bit of pain. 

No one (aside from a weird few) particularly enjoyed the lead up to and the process itself. Yet, no zombie would dispute the comfort of knowing that even when everything went feet-up and they were put in the dirt, they would come back out of the earth’s embrace bright, bushy-tailed and unalive. Leslie himself had gone through it enough times that he could draw out every step of the process in his sleep, details and all. 

It would start with the sensation of scattered thoughts self-organizing from where they were scattered across an abstract plane, then the atoms recongealing. 

Then it was the reformation, the body being formed with first nerves then bones then flesh and tendons, physical sensation beginning once again with the buzzing of hidden machinery surrounding a tight, but pleasant cocoon of dirt. 

Then there was the snap from meandering confusion to sharp memory and a burning instinct burrowed deep into all zombie’s minds: claw and dig up up up!

The first few times, most zombies would messily claw their way up, eyes spinning with disorientation as they sluggishly pulled their reconstituted bodies out to sprawl on the floor. But for Elites like Leslie who’d gone through the process so often over the past decade, it was but a reflex to instead rush out, hands digging with blinding speed before tensing and shooting up in a shower of dirt in the Z-Tech Factory’s graveyard. He landed on his feet gracefully, scarcely a spot of dirt left from such a perfect exit.

And naturally, the first words Leslie thought to scream out were, “That little SCUM!”

How dare she… how dare she take him out in such a demanding manner!?

She literally had no defenses besides her squishy little fists, had all the battle ability of a rabid raccoon, and was among the most unfit, sad specimens of a human he’d ever seen! And she’d managed to take him out – Dr. Ate, one of the most highly respected Top Zombies, practically one of Zomboss’ most trusted scientists – with a measly potato mine!?

Sometimes, I really wish I got some of the bulk the All Stars do.

The Z-Tech graveyard only had a few of the Dummy cultists mindlessly standing around, but Leslie’s twitching eyes staring murder into every one of them elicited a unanimous retreat after a moment staring in shock. Leslie then looked down and screamed again, not even words this time but a screeching howl of frustration. Part of him knew that this was being utterly unprofessional, but the sheer indignation of the insult he’d been dealt demanded that he work this out, now!

He kicked the dirt, flailed about his shotgun, and spewed out an absolutely vicious stream of profanity that was half words, half just gibberish attempting to convey every bit of his frustration and rage. 

It took a good ten minutes for Leslie to finish his ranting and raving, and he was left standing in a divot of kicked-up dirt panting. Was his outburst immature? Yes. Did it make him feel better? Also yes.

He did settle though. After all, he couldn’t scheme if he was pouting about like an imp. 

Refocus, Dr. Ate. First things first, account for yourself.

At least there was one silver lining to dying and Respawning as he did. Respawn did partially rewind the state of equipment – a result of Zomboss wanting to minimize production costs (after all, it’d be a pain to die and then walk unarmed all the way through a battlefield just to find your things – or worse, find them broken). 

Out of habit he looked over his lab coat and accompanying clothing (blessedly clean and pristine, as they should be), his goo pack (reserves were lower than at the start of the day, but not low enough to warrant a refill), and then the goo blaster proper. A brief glance at its external and internal components produced relief. 

The teleportation module had been refined for rapid recharge on the battlefield, but there was a built-in cooldown so no Scientist would have a molten-hot quantum physics manipulating remote burning through their skin – or worse, exploding in a mess of shrapnel and uncontrolled space-time energy. Leslie had built his own teleporter into his shotgun to make access easier, and he’d never had to worry much about overheating until today. Thankfully, although some of the coating on the wires looked brittle there was nothing warped or melted. An experimental test of the teleportation, rotating the chambers to reload and a quick shot didn’t show any immediate issues with usage either. 

As usual, Respawn is a blessing, though I will need to do a more thorough examination when I’m back in the lab…

But now, the more immediate problems.

Leslie let his shotgun dangle loosely from his hands as he processed the situation. 

What to consider first, the human or Zachary?

After a moment, Leslie chuffed to himself. Oh who was he kidding, he didn’t have to worry about Zachary. After all, he didn’t nearly become Top Zombie for no reason. No matter how much he denied it, he was a true battlefield savant even with (or perhaps out of spite for) any amount of stacked odds. If there was anyone who could take down Dreadwood by themselves, it would be Zachary. 

The Plants hadn’t locked Dreadwood in with Zach… they locked Dreadwood in with Zach.

Confidence aside, Leslie really didn’t have many good options to reach either the foot soldier or invasive tree if he’d wanted to. Besides the giant gate (which was undoubtedly being watched like hawks by the Plants that weren’t still hunting for them), there were only a few, difficult to find and treacherous routes wriggling their way up the dirt wall to the Dreadwood and his repurposed space of the factory. Leslie didn’t particularly want to risk those trails taking lest he make another embarrassing death today by falling from heights or tripping in the wrong place inside a maze of roots and underbrush. 

Leslie’d simply have to trust Zachary to handle himself, as he always had.

But now… that just left her . 

Leslie had said what he meant to her, and dying had only cemented what he needed to do. Regardless if she was a spy or not, she was a loose cannon either way. Leslie and Zomboss did not abide by loose cannons that they didn't have an eye on. 

And that just made his sheer casualness prior to the revelation rankle him even more. Brainz, how could he have been so utterly clueless?! It was times like this that he wished he took up one of his fellow Top Zombie scientists to at least fix some of his scent-blindness, or added some additional sensory modules to his goggle-neural interface, or had just used his common sense and eyes!  

Melissa’s costume design had been impeccable, with the genuine Buckethead Browncoat uniform and her sweaty, unwashed smell profile with a faint hint of lavender. But everything else had screamed something was off. The unharried gait, the unmarred voice, the great gaps in common knowledge: they all added up to complete the greater puzzle. But Leslie had ignored them just based on a few words from her! 

Criminy, I thought I was better than this!

But if he’d been fooled so easily by such a haphazard deception… Leslie’s stomach churned with revulsion and concern. What of Zachary?  

Leslie knew that Zachary, battlefield savant he was, shared the common plague of zombiehood that was a profound lack of common sense. Even after all these years the soldier was just… so soft, so trusting . Leslie had lost track of how many times in University and then in the army proper he’d had to steer Zachary away from various Plant traps, human traps… hell, even a few zombie traps by jealous classmates (and later coworkers) meant to embarrass the soldier. But Leslie couldn’t always be around, and as any Elite knew all it took was one mistake for certain Plants to dig their vile roots into a Zombie mind…

Just like she did with me .

Leslie twitched, and shook the thought off. 

How long has she been deceiving Zachary? Did she get some Caulipower to warp his memories so he’d perceive her as a long-time friend? Is this some sort of new Hypno Shroom trickery? Or is she just a particularly fantastic actor?

Leslie mulled it over, then shook his head. 

Look at him, getting distracted! The details of how she’d managed (or, a part of him snarked, bumbled) her way into deceiving multiple Elite and non-Elite zombies weren’t immediately needed… as much as he was ticked by (and disturbed by) her ability to have done so in the first place. 

She was a human, a human who was still loose, one who he’d discussed a dangerous amount of information with that could end up funneling back to the plants. She sure didn’t pose any physical threat, but should she come upon the wrong Plant at the wrong time… 

He should, no, needed to bring her in before she could do any sort of damage.

His goggles hummed in response to his focus. With just a thought, he commanded the built-in computer interfacing with homemade neural implants to bring up a map of the Z-Tech factory. 

Traversing back to where they’d been and then finding Melissa by himself was going to be a tricky venture by himself. He had no doubt tracking her down would be an easy-enough venture – she clearly had no idea what she was doing in most things (that wasn't deception), and even with his average tracking ability Leslie expected he’d find her easily enough. But that still left the Plants…

Leslie hummed to himself, mind and interface starting up a short scroll of various ideas. He could take the stealthy route back like when they’d first gone to the broadcast station. Slow and steady, and open for improvisation but it could put too much distance between him and the human. He could rush in, but considering he was just one zombie… well his chances of not needing to Respawn again were low. He could try rallying the Dummy Cult… but on second thought the cowards probably wouldn’t do diddly-squat. He could…

Well there was the other piece of prototype technology he’d been tinkering with as well that could work very well for evasion…

…Ah to heck with it, there’s no kind of test like a live fire test! And if I can get the drop on that lucky little scum…

The zombie scientist closed most of his ocular display, aside from a simplified map with a route to their previous hiding spot.

Leslie rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck. He couldn’t help but start grinning in anticipation. When was the last time he’d had such a task as hunting a human? The only small hiccup was the small voice in the back of his head, whispering at him in worry.

“And what are you going to tell Zach?”

Leslie dismissed it though.

The prospect of explaining just what his browncoat friend was wasn’t an alluring prospect, but Leslie was resigned to having to break the news once everything was safe and secured. Yes, perhaps Zachary would be angry… but he would understand. This was for his own safety. This was their purpose, and this was for the greater good of all zombie-kind.

Perhaps he’d be angry that he was taking his “friend”… but once he knew just how badly he’d been deceived by the human , Zachary would forgive him. 

He always did.

A cruel, crow-like cackle escaped him as Doctor Leslie Ate shook off the last tremors of Respawn and fixed his goggles upon the forest. His shotgun hummed back to life, ready and waiting for carnage. 

Slowly, sure as a promise, Leslie whispered, “Ready or not, Melissa… ”

“Here I come .”

…

Izzy was a simple sort of imp. Just to clarify, she wasn’t anywhere as simple as any other imps – she liked to think that she was a good bit more mature (and smart) than her fellow short kings and queens of the zombie army. But she otherwise was a simple imp with simple needs. Just a nice place to sleep, some machines to tinker with, and the occasional recreational arson was all she needed to be as happy as Browncoat in a brain buffet.

There was the issue of boredom setting in with how limited her roaming range in the woods was. Without weapons, Izzy couldn’t exactly go anywhere fun without an errant plant potentially ruining her day. She was still hooked up to Respawn at least; Leslie may usually be a rule-loving loser, but he wasn’t that cruel (... usually) . But that didn’t mean she enjoyed the time in-between having her head knocked off her shoulders and then regenerating in the crusty, unmaintained Z-Tech factory graveyard spitting out rocks and dirt. 

But hey, the old campgrounds were still plenty fun! 

The humans had once come here to camp, roast s’mores, and do other woodsy things. In their panic to flee the zombie invasion, they’d left behind all the abandoned camping goodies Izzy could dream of looting. Heck, it was how she found her scout uniform, and that Scout Handbook she’d been using as a checklist to pass the time! Aside from the warmth of a smoldering fire reducing meddling plants to ash, there was nothing better than the sense of accomplishment from checking off that list and putting a new badge on her sash.

Today had been extra exciting, with Cookies going AWOL, the big bad plant brawl, and seeing not just Leslie the nerd for the second time of the week but two new zombies! 

The soldier boy – Zachary – seemed like a pleasant sort, and Izzy did always like the foot soldiers and their variant counterparts from her old regiment. They just got her, y’know? And there was something about him that struck a chord of familiarity in her noggin somewhere buried under the cobwebs and obsessions, though for the unlife of her she couldn’t determine what it was. Maybe it was the charming gap-tooth grin? Or was it one of the few occasions where Zomboss wasn’t holding an award ceremony for himself, but for some other zombie when they did something especially devastating to the plants?

…Meh, he probably wasn’t anything that important.

Back on track, the other new zombie! While she was weird and definitely kind of a wuss (aside from them beating in that snotty Sunflower’s face – that was metal as heck), Melissa the buckethead was pretty nice to talk with. She had made dealing with Leslie infinitely better with making sure he didn’t actually follow up on his threats (Izzy probably could have dealt with Leslie herself… but the thought was what counted). Very few things could make him shut up, and clearly the unusually-smart armored browncoat was one of them. 

And that battle? The next best thing to actually being able to participate was the deluxe viewing experience from the hundreds of hacked Z-Tech factory cameras, where from every angle possible Izzy got to see plants get their roots yanked under them in an absolute curbstomp.

Getting to hear and see the Sunflower’s stupid queen getting blown up was just the big, juicy cherry on top of the sundae.

Yes, today had been a productive day, and she was looking forward to enjoying a lovely, sunflower-free evening… at least at first.

After radioing Cookies (who was understandably tired after getting respawned from getting blown up and wasn’t interested in coming back for a victory party – a stinker, but at least the galoot was alright now) Izzy had been kicking up her feet and preparing to open up her Advanced Robotics and Zombot Engineering Manual – Deluxe Edition when the walkie talkie buzzed to life. The imp blinked, and realized, Oh yeaaah, I still have it tuned into the nerd’s communicator, don’t I?

For a moment the imp debated turning it off so she could read in peace. But after a moment she shrugged. She had just settled down into her little hidey-hole in one of the abandoned cabins, and she had just tossed the walkie talkie allll the way on top of the cabinet. It would be too much effort to clamber all the way across the various piles of disassembled bombs, scout memorabilia, baking supplies and half-full gas canisters just to turn it off. And she was already so comfy .

Meh. It’ll be fine. 

Besides, maybe the nerd will say something stupid and I have some sweet new blackmail to use against him!

Izzy cackled to herself at the thought, and tuning out the walkie talkie’s buzzing, she flipped open the manual in her lap and began reading, her reading glasses taped to her nonexistent-nose and the sunlight through the window at just the perfect brightness.

All was peaceful for a while, and aside from the occasional staticky word from Leslie there was little disturbance from the walkie talkie. Despite her thought of recording something dumb from the science boy, Izzy very nearly forgot it was on. She had become totally engrossed into a section regarding integrated systems that everything else was totally and utterly irrelevant. At least, until a loud, crow-like screech the sort only a Scientist’s windpipe could conjure abruptly reintroduced it back into her mental hemisphere. 

~GAH!~

Izzy jumped high enough to land wrong on her bum and go tumbling down her cozy little reading pile. The imp was quick to her feet, and she glared at the walkie.

“Stupid thing!” Izzy shook her fist at the plastic rectangle just out of reach of her tiny arms. “How about you stop-!”

She paused as a series of poorly-received, but familiar noises came through the talkie’s speaker. It took her a moment for her to recognize the sounds as the war-cries and whistling shadow blades of Nightcaps . 

“Damn, they actually got the tape going!” Izzy mused. She knew it was still sunny outside, with a few hours left till night. There was no good reason for there to be mushrooms out and about now unless they were commanded to, or forced awake by other Plants falling asleep – a genetically-programmed byproduct of Crazy Dave’s original night-defense oriented shrooms. 

Izzy’s temper cooled as she continued listening, a tiny smile cracking across her face.

Dang, I get to see – well, hear – another fight! Well well, I am a lucky imp today!

Izzy settled, temper cooled so she could parse through the fast-paced deluge of sounds pounding through the tiny speaker. She could follow the gist of it – though she wished there were cameras in that area of the swamp around the gate (which had to be where they were, since, well, that was the thing they’d come to her for). But just listening she could hear the buckethead and nerd frantically talking, yelping and panting for dear life amidst a deluge of sounds that could only be yet more Plants.

It took a good couple minutes for the cascade of noise to settle. Izzy, who’d been bouncing on her heels over the course exciting audio chase, began to pout.

Aw, it’s already over? Dang, thought that’d take longer.

She strained her ears for any hint that maybe some more interesting stuff would broadcast back through Leslie’s radio. After several long minutes of nothing aside from quiet talking, Izzy sighed and slumped.

Well… guess that’s over. 

Izzy turned back to her pile. If Leslie wasn’t going to entertain her a third time she might as well go back to her reading. She was almost finished with the manual now, and she could see going back through and highlighting some of the more interesting sections for reference. She had a few Zombot projects she wanted to try: testing some loopholes in her probation or maybe some smaller remote bombs to send out now that the Sunflowers were scattered. It would be nice to-

~And all the pieces fall into place… a human masquerading as a zombie. Who. Would. Have. Thought ?~

-Uh-whaaaaa?

Izzy froze. The imp wasn’t sure at first if she misheard. But Leslie wasn’t waiting for her to ask, “What the brainz did you just say?”.

Izzy turned and stared as Leslie’s one-sided conversation continued to filter through his unsuspecting audio bug, his voice cold in a way she’d only ever heard once and speaking words that couldn’t be true… But were they false? 

Straining her ears, she could just barely hear the sound of Melissa, that buckethead, speaking back, voice shuddering not just with the feedback of the radio. A voice that shuddered with fear at that unbelievable claim… that she had no defense for.

Melissa… is a human ?

What, no! That’s ridiculous!

Leslie has to have sniffed one too many Nightcap spores or something… right?

But already, as Leslie continued to lay out the law, Izzy’s mind was racing even faster than a Hot Rod Chomper at a zombie foot buffet.

The first time Izzy had looked up to see Melissa the buckethead and that Zachary soldier, Izzy had been surprised the armored browncoat spoke with such clarity, eyes more focused than any other browncoats’ she’d seen. Izzy had pondered on it, but she’d shrugged it off as a byproduct of a Zomboss program or experiment that had flown under the radar – most zombies knew Zomboss was rather prone to snatching up random zombies on a whim for experiments before promptly forgetting them in favor of his bigger projects. She wouldn’t put it past him to give “samples” of something like modified Elite serum out to some browncoat and then forget to enroll them into one of the Academies.

But in hindsight… Melissa being a human made a heck a lot more sense in explaining all the weird things that Izzy had seen and heard her do. The lack of knowledge on basic things every zombie knew, the weirdly smooth gait, the non-raspy voicebox, even her utter unwillingness to take any kind of hit where most Browncoats would’ve just forged through the numbed pain to claw and bite… 

Good brainz, Melissa was a human, wasn’t she!?! Izzy mentally kicked herself at not putting together the pieces, because in hindsight good gravy it was all so dang obvious!

Her moment of self-pity didn’t get time to sink in, as Leslie’s piercing cackle and then a very distinctive, human scream ripped through the walkie. Izzy was snapped back to the moment by the sound of scuffling, a sob. 

Izzy listened keenly to the sounds of running, fighting, pleading . The human ( Melissa’s ) yells were almost as bad as when she’d ripped apart that sunflower, so utterly raw .  Izzy thought she had thick skin, but  she found herself flinching back.

Thankfully (wait, thankfully ?), instead of the expected sounds of biting or tearing, there was then the sound of Leslie grunting, a feral cry, and then the recognizable sound of SPUDOW! as the radio abruptly cut off into static. If Izzy wasn’t mistaken, Leslie had just gotten blown up by a potato mine. She should’ve been laughing on her ass, but she just found herself sighing in relief. If Leslie had gotten blown up, then there was a good chance that Melissa was in the clear afterward – no Scientist could survive that, and the nerd would have to Respawn and waltz all the way back over. Plenty of time for Melissa to run!

Wait, why am I so happy that she got away?

Izzy tuned out the burst of white noise that consumed the radio’s wavelength to press her hands to her temples, mind spinning. 

Okay, I should calm down and think this through…

But to heck with that! This is inzane!

Melissa was a human, a Zomboss-flipping human!

And she was in trouble! Maaaajor league trouble!

But… was this even my problem?  

Melissa was a human after all, and practically every zombie was required to capture human brains the second they had the chance! Heck, if Izzy wasn’t on probation she’d likely be one of the first on Melissa's tail!

But the memory of Melissa’s desperate scream left something… sour in her mouth. Despite years of training, learning (and seeing ) of all the horrible things humans and plants would do to any zombie despite all their talk of “peace”, “equality” and “civilization”… of taking plenty of squishy, edible meatsacks screaming empty pleas with her own bare hands to the dark entrance of so many varied Z-Tech processing facilities…

The thought of dragging Melissa kicking and screaming to the nearest Brain Processing facility just made Izzy’s stomach churn.

Why?

Izzy wasn’t the sentimental type. But why were there suddenly so many mucky, icky feelings in her head when she heard that human’s distress?

Melissa… was helping zombies. Sure, she was in disguise, but she was definitely helping that Zachary fellow. 

And even if she was human, she still helped me and Cookies. She actually went around boxing those dumb Sunflowers herself!

Izzy jolted as another epiphany rocked her mind.

…Wait, Soldier Boy! It’d be super weird if the soldier boy also didn’t already know she was a human! 

He kept acting super protective over her, a lot more than even your usual soldier programming to protect their medics and scientists… and there was how weird he was acting when I first saw them…

He has to be in on it too!

The side of her that was still a dutiful soldier warred with the goopy little heart in the center of her chest growing warmer as she thought back to Melissa’s soft, calming voice. The way she’d managed to talk down Leslie (before at least), her cool and concise reasoning that was annoyingly right… 

And then the way the soldier boy had looked at her as he blocked burning sunbeams from her, and when she’d broken down into a sobby heap on him after his revival. Izzy stiffened with the final, definitive straw on the camel’s back that silenced her mental argument.

Soldier boy… he had to know she’s a squishy human, else why would he have been so committed to not getting her hurt?

Izzy tapped her chin, brow furrowing as the train of thought continued on.

That wasn’t the face of a zombie under Hypno Shroom or Caulipower ‘persuasion’. That’s the face of someone heads over heels, 100% committed to someone.

Just like…

An old memory reared its head. One of a gargantuan face smiling and stooping down so she wouldn’t have to strain herself looking up, two oversized fingers holding a sign: Congrat for Zeee-sevin Promushun! 

One who knew that because of her accomplishment she would’ve been leaving him behind as just another grunt in the regular lawn-assault army as a notable (but not notable enough) asset to be thrown on the front lines, without the guarantee he’d be Respawned.

And even then, he’d still smiled at her without a trace of betrayal or hurt. 

Just happiness.

…

Izzy’s gooey center solidified into resolution, and the imp balled up her fists. 

… y’know… I still owe her and Zach for that favor. Stickers are nice and all, but they did take out a whole Sunflower Queen…

And Cookies did vouch for her…

Besides, when's the next time I’m going to be able to get a chance to annoy the science loser? Can’t get in any more trouble than I already am!

Decision made, Izzy clambered up her pile to the top of the cabinet faster than she’d ever had to snatch up the buzzing walkie talkie. The imp looked about the top, and then knelt and snatched up the long, black metal flash drive that had been resting on top next to it in the same place it’d been for just over a year now. 

The imp clipped the talkie to the front of her scout uniform, and then looked over the drive she now held – a solid black, durable, and high-tech piece of titanium casing and Zercranium-alloy circuitry that almost seemed to be vibrating in response to Izzy’s presence. Even though it had been sitting unused, it was well-maintained and showed no sign of degradation.

Izzy clenched the drive tight in both hands, and grinned. 

She had originally just taken the drive with her as a way to preserve what little of her wartime exploits she was allowed to have after probation. Beyond the vain hope that one day the probation would get lifted if she behaved just long enough without breaking any (important) rules, it was the only way to make sure her best work – and her best friend – wouldn’t just be tossed to rot in some back room or destroyed. But now? Her mind was buzzing with the thrill of rebellion, and she knew her old friend was thinking along the same lines as the LED indicator on the drive lit up.

“Let’s get moving, old buddy!” Izzy cackled as she jumped down and began scrambling to the door. “We’ve got rules to break, and a squishy to save!”

…

Cleatus sat under the outcropping in the ramshackle camp that had been his home for the past few months. The all star had his newly-fixed Football Cannon resting by him, and his campfire was cooking a Brain Kebab that he’d scrounged up from the bottom of his rations supply. The smell was already making him drool, omnipresent hunger clawing with growing eagerness for him to start feasting, but he couldn’t muster much happiness at the anticipation of digging into every zombie’s favorite meal.

His teary attention was wholly on his handful of broken yellow plastic, the pieces still covered in bits of swamp muck.

It had taken a while to gather all the pieces he could, but even after hours Cleatus hadn’t even been able to find more than a couple pieces from Washy. The Dreadroot had been thorough in shattering the sentient washing machine in its eagerness to seize the tool to its rotten tree leader’s potential demise. Cleatus’ hands tightened, and fat tears rolled down his sunken cheeks.

It wasn’t fair! 

Washy was just doing his job, the plants didn’t have to hurt him like they did!

First Dummy, now Washy!

Was the world going to take everything from him?!

Cleatus knew that most zombies would scoff at him getting this overly attached to what was supposed to be disposable equipment and an appliance. And yes, a part of him knew that it was bizarre for someone, even a zombie, to be best friends with inanimate objects. But until he’d entered these horrible woods and Dummy had gotten all those ideas of grandeur, objects had been his only friends.

Cleatus had never been the best at making other zombie friends. Compared to most other All Stars, he had never been the sportiest, competitive, or brash. Honestly, he’d been more like a Scientist or Engineer in how he’d be one of the zombies sitting in the back of class, quietly going over the large-print textbooks while other All Stars and variants-in-training chatted, threw spitballs, and heckled each other. Cleatus wasn’t sure why, but he had never been particularly interested in most All Star sorts of things. True, he liked reading about sports, and playing sports and fighting plants – what All Star wouldn’t? But practically everything else that All Stars found interesting — girls, athlete star worship, team win rates, excessively cheesy high school musicals — he just… found dull . 

And when it came to college zombie drama? Well… his Zomboss academy nickname ‘Crybaby’ wasn’t entirely unearned.

Heck, just talking with other zombies had him awkwardly trailing off and waiting for increasingly confused fellow students and later fellow soldiers to guide the conversation, his own mind lost on what he was supposed to say next. This sort of behavior, on top of his already noticeable lack of All-Star-ness, meant that most zombies weren’t exactly interested in him unless it was for… not friend-making activities. 

That was where the beauty of objects came in. Objects were quiet, huggable and absorbed tears when you were upset without complaining. Objects stayed with you, protected you. Objects didn’t ask, “Why are you such a crybaby?” or “What the brainz is up with you, you weirdo?”. 

Objects didn’t call you mean names. 

Objects were objects – they did their job, and they remained with you even when everyone else lost interest in the lame not-really-a- real -All Star.

But not anymore.

Washy was gone after doing the thing he loved. 

Dummy was probably already gone, even if he was rescued from Dreadwood’s belly. (Past his desperate hopes, a part of Cleatus suspected that he still wouldn’t be interested in going back to him). 

Cleatus was well and truly alone, a guard for a factory that was probably going to stay closed for eternity with the big dumb Dummy cult getting stupider every day far past any sane zombie’s tolerance. 

Cleatus was going to be here, forever , alone and with nowhere to go and no one who would even care he was out here.

The All Star couldn’t hold it back any longer. He let the pieces of Washy fall onto the ground, and he burst into ugly, heaving sobs. He sat huddled there, the Brain Kebab slowly beginning to burn.

Cleatus was sure he was going to be stuck there forever, the tears never stopping and the only thing willing to give him company being his own, unbearable misery.

At least, until there was a tiny, hard finger stabbing into his knee.

“Hey. HEY! Sports boy, earth to sports boy! Do you hear me!?”

Cleatus sniffled, and took his tear-stained gloves off his face to see-

Scary imp?

The scout imp stood impatiently tapping her foot and looking up at Cleatus, her green scout uniform and yellow pigtails covered with pea mush and pollen as she stared up at him with frazzled eyes. Also, for some reason, she had a giant metal stick thing on her back, tied there by her badgey-sash.

“Can you hear me now?” The imp snapped. “I need your help!”

“You need… my help?” Cleatus sniffled, not having the energy to even pretend the wetness on his face was exercise sweat.

“Yeah! I didn’t just have to brave a horde of the angriest Plants on the planet for no dang reason!” The imp hopped up onto Cleatus’ knee, and snatched the front of his helmet to yank his face down to her level. “Now listen up and stop your sniffling! I don’t got time to explain, but long story short Melissa’s actually a human and science boy aka that snotty Top Zombie wants to snatch her, but my shriveled, squishy heart can’t leave her to dry so I need your help to save her!”

Cleatus blinked at the cavalcade of information. Most of it didn’t make sense, but his mind sharpened at the name. 

Melissa… Melissa!

The nice buckethead!

Rusted gears in his brain churned for several minutes as the scary imp – oh right, her name was Izzy wasn’t it? – impatiently tapped her foot. Eventually, with a vein popping in his head from strain, clarity dawned and Cleatus gaped.

Wait, did she say…

Melissa… is a human?

Abruptly, his mind flashed back to – 

His eyes blearily blinked at the crimson smear sticking out amongst the blurry medley of brown, forest green, rotting tan and somehow off-color gray zombie skin. “Your arm look very messy, wrong color too.”

Her nervous laugh. “It’s no biggie! Probably a trick of the light.”

Red. When she’d been fighting those weeds and one of them had hit her… Melissa had been bleeding red . 

Only humans bled red .

A human had… tried to help Cleatus.

If Cleatus’ mind hadn’t already been shocked still by the imp suddenly showing up, it was now well and thoroughly shattered. His mouth gaped open, strings of drool escaping as he let out a long, dramatic gasp.

The imp rolled her eyes at Cleatus’ prolonged silence, taking his flabbergasted expression as total uncomprehension. “You know what? I’ll explain on the way. Do you still have your factory keyset?” 

After a moment, Cleatus closed his mouth and hesitantly nodded, which made Izzy grin and do a fist pump. “Yes! Progress!” 

Without asking the imp deftly clambered up his leg, onto his lap then pulled herself up the front grille of the All Star’s helmet to perch herself on his head. A tiny palm smacked her improvised plastic seat. “Now, I need you to get me to the factory and past those rampaging plants and all those cultist dummies to the manufacturing section. You know, the one with all the mechs! You remember where that is from your guard days?”

Cleatus had to think for a moment, but after a moment nodded. “I… thinks I remembers where that is,” Cleatus rasped.

“Yeah yeah yeah! I need to get in there to get some supplies!” The imp exclaimed. “Now, what are you waiting for? You care for the squishy human don’t you? I didn’t miss you weeping on her from the cameras!”

Cleatus hesitated. 

Melissa… was a human. Humans were supposed to be eaten for brains and their parts taken to Zomboss to improve zombies so they could take over the world for the good of all zombiekind. 

But… Melissa had been kind to him. 

Melissa… cared for Cleatus.

She hadn’t rolled her eyes or gagged at his teary face when she saw him. She had asked if he was okay . She had tried to fix his wounds even after knowing he could just heal from them with the fixy-fixy factor. 

Melissa… cares.

She hadn’t cared that he wasn’t acting like an All Star, or that he was weepy and wimpy over Washy dying. She was simply worried for him. She had wanted to help him… mourn Washy. 

Melissa cares .

Cleatus huffed, and wiped away the last of his tears. He seized his cannon, and with it hefted in one hand stood up. After a moment of thought, he grabbed the burnt brain kebab and in one bite gulped it down. Now, his belly was full, and his heart was determined. 

“I’m ready,” Cleatus growled.

“All right, now that’s the attitude I was looking for!” The imp cheered. Another tiny hand smacked the top of his helmet again. “Mush, sports boy! We gotta get into that factory to get my special tools!”

…

Externally, Zachary was left staring in shock and dismay at the solidly shut gate for almost a minute. Internally, his head ached as he raged at himself.

Stupid, stupid! Of course smelly plants decide to split us up, they get spooked and they want to pick us off in the safest way possible!

There was no question of what Zach wanted to do next. He needed to get through this stupid gate, and get back to his friends . 

But no matter how hard he looked, Zachary couldn’t see any way back out the way he came. The earth all around was too solidly packed to simply blast through, and if his hunch was right, laced through with Dreadwood’s sluggish but clearly still-dangerous root system. Even though he was perfectly willing to dig through several feet of dirt, Zach wouldn’t delude himself that he could fight off a giant tree’s root system if it woke up at the wrong time – at least, not in such a disadvantaged fighting space where he couldn’t maneuver enough to avoid getting crushed into a pulp. 

The abovehead opening where the setting sun shone through was far too high even if Zachary went through the trouble of resetting his rocket to Jump rather than Leap. Unfortunately, only a Super Brainz or the best Camo Ranger with their knack for climbing could make it out.

The foot soldier ground his teeth. There really was only one way forward…

Hey , He thought to himself after a moment, Just have to trust Leslie. He can keep Meh-lissa safe, and they’re both right next to that shelter! 

That did little to assuage himself. Leslie was a great scientist, but Zach could tell he was rusty on the edges in combat even if his friend wouldn’t admit it. And Meh-lissa had said herself that she was a squishy “office worker” – aka something a little bit like the coffee-guzzling, overworked Browncoats at Z-Corp. 

A human , Zachary forced himself to remember, who was very squishy, full of delicious-smelling fluids and meats, and prone to such things as exhaustion in frankly very short amounts of time. 

If the Plants had managed to get a sleeping Dreadwood to set up this trap, then there was a likely way the events on the other side of the door were playing out… 

No . Zachary didn’t want to toy with that thought. His hands tightened on his blaster, a growl rattling its way out of his chest.

Maybe he couldn’t get back to help them right now… but that didn’t mean abandoning the mission.

Oh no, the Plants had made their biggest mistake yet.

Zachary put a hand on the wooden door, and rasped, “Hang in there, Meh-lissa, Leslie. I’m going to finish this, get back to you, and make sure Plants pay . I’ll get rid of Dreadwood so fast you won’t believes it.”

Rotting heart clenched with paralyzing fear and worry, and a growing sea of hunger-brewing rage , Zachary squared his shoulders and – ignoring his screaming desire to stand by the door and try clawing through it – began to march forward. 

The path to Dreadwood was straightforward, weaving gradually upward with the chunks of broken road arranged like giant steps and ugly roots burrowing all around. Z-Tech shipping crates sat empty, and all the forest was silent aside from rhythmic gusts of wind. There were no weeds or plants to slow Zachary’s advance – a show of arrogance on their part.

But that was fine by him. 

The foot soldier forged onward, hardly flinching when he reached an unusually long, straight corridor of yet more tree roots split apart by shipping crates with convenient gaps on the side. The air was moving in oddly rhythmic gusts that didn’t seem very weather-y. More like… snoring?

Zachary just rolled his eyes. This was likely a set up by the Plants as a half-hearted defense measure, as if the ground-scouring snoring of some creaky old tree would stop him.

Getting past that particular obstacle was laughably easy, with some timing and only one near-faceplant when the wind caught him in the arm. There was more upward climbing before a sudden drop down into a dark cavern, and then only a little longer walk into something that couldn’t have been more arena-shaped than an actual arena.

A massive, sunken pit in the forest encircled a giant, needle-y tree that had to be Dreadwood, else Zachary would eat his helmet. The ground surrounding was practically all swamp, scraggly trees and lonely chunks of concrete jutting out with Z-Tech equipment just barely sticking out of the muck. The concentration of Plant-boosting sunlight was palpable even with the diminishing late light, creating a prickling on Zachary’s undead skin that made him grimace in disgust. All around, the lullaby tape continued to sing its sleepy tunes that did nothing for Zachary’s temper.

There was no one around, but Zachary still tread with caution as he ventured out and began to pace along the outskirts of the circle. He paused when he came upon a steel button poking above the surface, antenna point outward. After brief consideration, he shrugged and pressed it. The sound of whirring fans drew his attention over to the largest of the concrete platforms ringed about the giant tree, and he grinned with murderous glee when he saw the now-active Z-Tech equipment.

Oh boy, Engineer jump pads! Looks perfect for getting up to punch Dreadwood’s ugly face!

Zachary eagerly triggered his rocket and in a hop, skip and jump he was right by the jump pad and staring up at the vile, formidable form of his tree enemy. He didn’t hesitate to step on the pad, humming with a spinny blade and Engineer stuff. 

FWOOF!

He was sent flying, the spinny fan intensifying and buffeting Zach’s back and feet. In just a few seconds he was right at the circular wooden platform surrounding Dreadwood. It was easy peasy to land on his feet, and Zachary spared a look around the soon to be arena.

The wood platform was plain, with the only interesting things being Dreadwood (duh) and the long, metal looking bars in the wood. Zachary walked over and prodded one with his socked foot. It didn’t do anything, and he shrugged.

That left only his foe. Zachary looked up and took it in.

Dreadwood was… well, a tree, with a big head covered in branches with even more bundles of point needle leaves. The trunk had a big, ugly gnarled face set into the dark brown bark, not unlike its smaller Dreadroots. His big eye was closed though, misshapen mouth open as he breathed in and out with big gusts. 

Zachary snarled and, without hesitation. The bullets spattered against the bark… to no effect. He stared, and then huffed.

Hm… need weak points to get past the bark…

Dreadwood hadn’t flinched underneath the barrage, so avoiding his snores Zachary walked about the platform. When he reached the back of Dreadwood’s ugly trunk he lit up.

A Heartwood!

Zachary couldn’t have asked for an easier target if he’d tried. His blaster went up, and in moments the pulsating, sappy copy of a real heart burst. 

“Guh?”

The ground shook as all of Dreadwood shifted. In a fashion that no normal tree would be able to, the massive trunk swiveled all the way around until Zachary was again looking at Dreadwood’s ugly face. But now he was yawning, the smell of fresh wood filling the air. His big eye fluttered awake, and then fixed on Zachary glaring up at him.

“...Oh.”

His voice was big and gusty, sluggish and positively dripping with a condescension. Dreadwood’s eye was half-lidded. “So, the little ones… were correct. Here is… one smelly little zombie…”

One delightfully smelly, perfectly proportioned zombie, Zachary thought, but he didn’t talk. His hand just tightened on the blaster’s grip. 

“I was… hoping the little ones… would be done with you… But it seems… you squeezed past.”

A small, upward quirk claimed the corner of Dreadwood’s mouth. “The little ones… told me you came with… friends… whatever happened to them?”

Zachary bristled, and then bristled even more when Dreadwood laughed. “Little zombie… miss your friends?”

Dreadwood’s laughter doesn’t last long though. He assumed a more regal expression, the fading light bending about him to form a soft illusion of a ring behind his head. “Even… when I am made to slumber… you nearly lost completely… to my little trap…”

The great eye of Dreadwood narrowed.

“You are… outnumbered.”

“You are… outmatched.” 

“Foolish… to stand against the monarch… of the woods… you are nothing against me… you are nothing aga-”

Without changing his deadpan expression or even blinking, Zachary pulled out a Stink bomb from his bandolier, pulled out the pin with a single finger, and chucked it right-

Tunk

“GACK!” 

-in Dreadwood’s eye. 

“Gugh-COUGH COUGH GUUUUUUGH!”

He choked and coughed, the deep timbre of his voice abruptly not nearly so grand and intimidating when he was wheezing worse than a Stinky Zombie, massive golden-green eye suddenly very bloodshot (or was it sapshot?). Zachary just watched with his own half-lidded gaze, a new Stink Bomb already being tossed in his hand. Up and down, it landed in his hand with little plops as he raised the section of his face that would normally have eyebrows.

“Brainz.”

-You talk too much.

No Zomboss-patented Zombie Translator was needed to convey what Zachary meant to say. Dreadwood’s cycloptic eye blinked out the purple fog after a few seconds before narrowing with fury. The light halo behind him intensified as his face contorted, before he bellowed , the sound enough to force Zachary to lean forward to stay standing. He sustained it for a full minute, before stoping and drawing back, well and truly enraged.

Zachary drew a nice deep breath, just like he’d seen Meh-lissa do so many times, and grinned.

Finally. 

A lord of the forest stared down a militant corpse, one brimming with uncontrolled wrath and the other with simmering contempt and righteous fury. They stared for one more moment… but then there was no more time for words.

Just war .