Archive of Our Own ^beta

He couldn’t remember when everything had shifted, when their fights had turned into grapples with heated looks.  It was something unspoken between them, something that neither dared acknowledge but both yearned to do so.  Tensions rose and rose, escalating until, eventually, one of them snapped and the line between hatred and love became too blurred to comprehend, the line between anger and lust even more so.  

When their mouths finally met it was with teeth and bruising holds, Dick’s blood coating his tongue even as the older man pressed forward, grinding his back against the windowsill behind him.  When had this fight led them to Nightwing’s apartment?  Jason couldn’t remember why they’d been fighting in the first place, what they’d said to each other in anger to lead them to this.  Every swipe of Dick’s tongue, every desperate caress scattered his thoughts, even as he was slowly guided inside by Nightwing’s eager hands.

He almost couldn’t believe that the sound that came out of his throat belonged to him, that low, almost possessive growl that rumbled in his chest as he shoved the other man back against the nearest wall.  There were no words between them, didn’t need to be, only sobbing breaths and strangled, desperate sounds of pleasure.  It should have seemed wrong, the way they couldn’t seem to keep their hands off one another, but giving in to this, finally, after so long, years, felt right in ways it shouldn’t have.  Jason didn’t belong, couldn’t belong the way Dick did, but for these few moments, these moments in which the older man was clutching at him as if afraid he would disappear, perhaps he could pretend.

Nightwing was pulling him away from the wall, guiding him again, and he let him, dragging his gloved fingers over the kevlar covering his back, wishing to feel skin, to feel warmth.  Dick was saying something, mumbling something, but Jason was too fixated on tasting the line of his jaw, to lost in willing himself not to think.  Finally he comprehended the gentle urgings, allowing the older man to pull away just long enough to unzip the top of his suit in one quick, practiced movement, before their mouths were meeting again.  Jason shrugged out of his jacket, letting it hit the floor with the dull slap of leather, his gloves quickly following suit so he could thread his fingers in Dick’s hair.

There was the heavy clunk of gauntlets hitting the floor and then other man’s hands were cupping his cheeks, caressing his jaw, combing through his hair.  Dick’s lips trembled a little when they brushed over his jaw but his breath still hitched when Jason’s hands slid over his throat, dipping inside the front of his suit to caress his chest, exploring, memorizing.  Dextrous fingers sought the zipper to the younger man’s own suit, his concealed beneath denim and leather, quickly drawing it down and shoving it from his shoulders.  Jason wasted no time in drawing his hands from the sleeves and following the other man’s lead, the black and blue slipping easily off Dick’s arms.

Both their hands were moving then, exploring each other’s bodies even as Dick began to lead him backwards yet again.  Blunt nails drug over his back, his arms, teeth digging into his neck before a warm tongue soothed the mild hurts.  His world had been narrowed down to only the space they occupied, to pleasure, pain, and an emotional wound that went too deep to ever really heal.  Thus when the other man gently guided him back onto the bed, he didn’t even consider objecting, bitter remarks dying in his throat; for just one night he needed this, needed the emotional release more than the physical.  

Jason shivered when his name was whispered against his throat but, for once, Dick seemed to understand that the younger man didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want to acknowledge it verbally, just wanted warmth and proximity.  Hands were fumbling with Jason’s belt, causing him to swallow thickly, one of his calloused hands sliding over the taut muscles of the older man’s back.  Wordlessly Dick gripped his leg, pushing it up so he could unlace one of Jason’s boots and cast it aside carelessly.  When he moved on to the second one Jason couldn’t help but reach out and slide his fingers over the domino that still covered the blue eyes that had haunted his dreams for months.  

“Off.” he breathed, licking his lips almost nervously; his voice sounded loud in the silence of the room, sounded out of place.

Dick stared at him for a long moment, before he nodded and reached up, slowly peeling the mask from his face, blinking to adjust before tossing it aside with everything else.  Jason took the opportunity to shove down the rest of his clothing, kicking it over the side of the bed and watching as the other man hesitated before doing the same.  Then Dick’s hands were on his face cupping his cheeks, his eyes shadowed, hooded while his fingers traced the mask that Jason still wore.

“Off.” he finally murmured, mirroring the younger man’s earlier request.

After a long moment he gave a small nod, closing his eyes when he felt the mask being gently pulled from his face and cast aside, only opening them when he heard it clatter to the floor.  Unfortunately with nothing between them Jason had to stare into those eyes, had to see the longing, the pain, and the resignation that showed that the other man understood .  Dick knew that they couldn’t continue past this night, couldn’t really be anything permanent, but he also knew why Jason needed it anyways.  He understood and seemed pained by possessing that knowledge, causing Jason to reach up, pulling him down and kissing him, blue-green eyes slipping shut once more.

Everyone thought that Dick was clueless, that he was a hopeless romantic that fell too easily and too hard.  Perhaps that was true, but it was more that he knew he’d end up hurt but he did it anyways, tried for love despite the promise of a fall, he was a masochist like that.  Now Jason was just another source of pain in the other man’s life yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop, couldn’t find it in him to be selfless and end this before it damaged them both.  Being alone for so long took its toll after a while and he was just greedy and desperate enough to take this and give nothing but empty pleasure back.

A clever hand curled around his length and gave it a slow, almost teasing stroke, the suddenness of the action making Jason’s back arch, catlike, off the bed.  Dick made a soft, appreciative sound, moving to rest their foreheads together, eyes locking in the darkness, heated breaths mixing and their legs tangling.  Jason’s hands slid through the other man’s hair, memorizing the texture mixed with sweat and possibly a little blood.  His nails clawed at the back of Dick’s neck, leaving red streaks across his shoulders as he felt the flush of arousal finally begin to rush into his cheeks; it was good, amazing, terrible.

Jason tensed a little when he felt a hand slip between his legs, caressing his inner thigh and faltering, like the other man wasn’t certain what he could and couldn’t do.  It lingered there, stroking in a manner that would have been soothing if the younger man’s blood wasn’t pumping too fast and hard in his veins.  When Jason opened his eyes Dick’s were searching his face, his expression wary but determined, the underlying emotions hidden for now but still there, still borderline palpable in every careful action; there’d always been a form of love between them and always would be, buried beneath the anger and the hatred.

“Jay...” Dick breathed, pausing, hesitating.

“Do it.” he bit out, closing his eyes, not wanting to drag himself out of the place his mind was, not wanting to acknowledge everything that was happening; he just wanted... Wanted...     

Suddenly there was a hot mouth covering his, a slick tongue sliding between his swollen and split lips, moving as if it wanted to soothe everything away and knew it couldn’t.  Desperation, blood, and longing, all making him claw at the older man’s back, hoping he left bloody scratches in his wake.  When Dick’s hands coaxed his legs wider so he could slip between them, he didn’t fight it, his breath hitching as the kiss continued and slick fingers, his clouded brain briefly wondering where he’d gotten lube, slid down and rubbed across his entrance.

There was no hesitation from Dick now, only distracting touches and fierce, possessive kisses that left Jason feeling wanted, feeling whole for the first time in... He couldn’t remember how long.  When strong fingers slid inside him, stretching him he flinched at the alien sensation, the tightness, the initial discomfort, but he’d done this before, had needed to do this before, so instead of protesting he sought out the other man’s mouth again.  Jason didn’t want to hear the questions, didn’t want encouraging words, but apparently the other man was determined as his free hand reached up to cradle his jaw, blue eyes that turned the color of the night sky in the darkness boring into him, leaving him breathless for a moment when combined with a clever twist of his fingers.

“I’ve got you.”  Dick murmured, his thumb brushing over Jason’s chin, his bottom lip. “I’m here, Jason.”

Of all the words he had expected, it hadn’t been those and he hadn’t expected them to hit him like a kick to the chest. His lips parted, something angry and bitter on the tip of his tongue, only for Dick’s mouth to muffle it, his fingers striking something deep inside him that made a moan claw its way out of his throat.  He clutched at the man above him, sucking in lungfulls of air like a man drowning when the kiss broke, feeling like something inside him had snapped, causing him to clench his eyes shut and tip his head back.  Physically the pleasure oozed over him, making him ache, making him desperate for contact, but mentally he felt raw, as if a part of him had been burned away, leaving exposed nerves and bloody tissue.

Dick finally withdrew his fingers and began to push inside him, the action making Jason’s nails sink into the meaty flesh of the older man’s back, mentally wincing when he felt the liquid warmth of blood.  He knew that the other man didn’t enjoy being hurt like he did, didn’t and yet moaned when Jason did it, moaned and sealed his mouth over the front of the younger man’s throat, teeth grazing over sensitive flesh.  It spoke volumes about how far Dick was willing to go for those he cared about, about how much he was willing to endure psychologically and physically to give them what they needed.

When the older man began to move Jason let out a hitched breath, his eyes fluttering back open to stare at the ceiling as Dick’s stubble rough cheek rubbed against his, something pained and breathless passing the other man’s lips.  Swallowing a moan Jason slid his hands over the back of the man he’d looked up to for so long before everything had gone so horribly wrong.  He wordlessly tried to soothe away the pain that he’d caused, was still causing, physically and emotionally even as they both took pleasure from one another.  

Dick’s pace was slow, gentle, each roll of his hips sending pleasure lancing up Jason’s spine.  There was no denying that the other man was good, better than his young, damaged replacement was when it came to sex.  To Jason sex was a need, something quick and empty, something that made the itch go away for a while and temporarily made him feel wanted, desired.  Dick, on the other hand, slept with those he loved, he took care of everyone that came to his bed and it showed; there was no urgency, just touch, pleasure, and desire.

Jason gasped the older man’s name against his ear, feeling his hips falter before moving harder, control slipping a little.  With a grunt of pleasure, Jason slid his hand into Dick’s hair, tugging at it until Dick pulled back and their eyes met, blues muted by shadows, both gasping in pleasure, quiet, subdued.  Jason stared at the raw emotion on the other man’s face; the pain, pleasure, love, and sadness, all naked and fighting for dominance on his features as he stared down at him.  Guilt rolled through him, unexpected, and made him clench his eyes shut, losing himself in the sensation once again, letting him feel this and pushing his regret aside for the moment.

“Look at me.” Dick’s hissed demand made Jason’s eyes snap open, startled, before they narrowed in annoyance.  “You want this?  You look. At. Me.”

For some reason the demand, dripping with anger born of hurt, made heat roll through him, made the pleasure spike and caused a startled moan to slip from between his lips.  Jason’s eyes fluttered but, from sheer stubborn determination he kept them open, staring up at Dick even as his hand slid around his length, drawing another muffled sound of pleasure from him.  They were both close now, both eager for the end to come, to roll over them and release whatever they were holding inside them...  At least for now; Jason had never felt that they were similar at all until he saw the same emotions, the same thoughts cross Dick’s features.

“Dick...” his breathing hitched while he said it, eye clenching shut for a moment before snapping back open, wild and desperate.

“Come on, Jay...” Dick moaned, his head bowing to bite the younger man’s shoulder.

Of all the things that should have sent him over the edge, he felt that the pain shouldn’t have, even as his orgasm ripped through him, his back bowing and head snapping back, throat working to keep back the sounds of pleasure it wanted to release.  Jason slowly sank back into the mattress with a moan, feeling dazed and loose, the tension bleeding from him even as Dick continued to move, sending bright little shocks of pleasure through him.  When the older man finally stilled, filling him with heat, Jason shivered and closed his eyes, soaking up the moment, letting it roll through him, stroke his consciousness and fill it with lethargy.

Dick was panting, his breath washing against his shoulder and his arms trembling.  Finally the other man slowly sank down on top of him, burying his face against the side of his neck, seemingly unwilling to move away.  Despite how content Jason was he knew he had to go, knew that whatever had come over them was gone, the lust burnt out of them and leaving only the years of pain between them, the years of sin and hatred.  Swallowing thickly he shifted underneath the other man, attempting to gently coax him onto the other side of the bed, but Dick would have none of it.  Instead he fisted a hand in Jason’s hair, holding tightly, his other arm sliding beneath the younger man, clutching at his skin.

“Stay.” Dick pleaded against his ear.  “We don’t need to talk.  Just stay...  For tonight.”

Jason felt the scowl before it actually contorted his features, lips parting to send some painful jab to get the other man away from him, to keep him from getting attached, to keep him from getting hurt further.  However he couldn’t make himself say them, couldn’t turn away the offer of closeness, no matter how wrong and painful it would be in the end.  With a heavy, shaky sigh Jason gave a slow nod and closed his eyes again, fighting against the instinct to get up and run, to leave this behind him and burn this bridge once and for all.  

No, he wanted this, wanted this one night in which he belonged, this night in which they were just Dick Grayson and Jason Todd, two men that wanted each other, instead of who they really were.  For one night he could forget about his sins, forget about his anger and bitterness, and, for once, be at peace.  As he slowly began to succumb to exhaustion, to the urge to sleep, he could pretend he didn’t hear the hitched sob, didn’t feel the wetness against his shoulder.  For all that they loved each other they also hurt each other, and that was how it would always be.