Chapter Text
1992
She didn’t love him right from the start. At least that’s what she told herself.
The first time Kim saw Jimmy he was in the HHM mail room, licking stamps with his tongue. He’d done what appeared to be about six dozen already, showing no sign of stopping, and the stack of unsealed envelopes to his left (and the way he winced each time) made her feel duty-bound to step in.
“You know there’s another way to do that, right?” She stopped her mail cart and rummaged around in the drawers of the desk next to her, pulling out a small bottle with a tiny yellow sponge at the top, and held it out to him with a flourish.
“You’re kidding me,” he groaned, shaking his head. He turned the bottle over in his hands, then looked up at her. “What a schmuck.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your way was working just fine.”
“Yeah, but at what cost?” he said dramatically. “I’m not gonna be able to taste anything for a week.”
“Whatever works, right?”
“Whatever works. Thanks.” He smiled. He had a great smile.
They looked at each other for a moment, saying nothing, and she took the opportunity to give him a once-over. His jacket looked secondhand and his tie was too loose and much too short, like he’d borrowed them from someone. His hairline was weak but his jawline was strong, and his eyes were bluer than hers. He wasn’t necessarily conventionally attractive, or even the kind of guy she generally found herself interested in. It had been quite some time, in any case. But there was something about him that piqued her interest. She found herself compelled to know why.
I’m Kim Wexler, she’d told him that very first day in the mail room. Jimmy, he’d introduced himself. Just Jimmy. It wasn’t odd at the time.
Over the next few days she noticed Jimmy beginning to make an impression on the people at the firm. This didn’t surprise her; he had a smile that was contagious and an easy manner that made everyone around him comfortable. What surprised her was the type of impression he was making, not to mention how her focus was rapidly shifting from her work to the new guy in the office. She wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that.
One day, she saw him out in the bullpen chatting with Mabel, the forty-two year old secretary with about a dozen Thomas Kinkade pictures attached to her cubicle walls. Kim lingered near the watercooler, sipping slowly as she listened to Jimmy gush about quaint cottages with the woman to an extent she didn’t quite believe. But Mabel absolutely ate it up. Maybe it was his timing, or the calculated nature of his compliments, (or the way Mabel eventually offered to take the mail down to floor three for him since she would be headed down there anyway) but something told Kim he wasn’t exactly being genuine; that he was working the woman. That, quite honestly, he was working everyone.
Jimmy was always working. She liked that.
Kim had been at Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill for the past three years, sorting the mail, getting the partners’ coffee, keeping her ears open and spending countless hours in the law library. She hadn’t grown up with much, but she always had a plan for her future which she’d thus far executed to a T. Hard work and following the rules had always been her established method to get to the places she needed to go, to climb the ladders she wanted to ascend.
Jimmy wasn’t like that. He had none of Howard Hamlin’s good looks, and none of Charles McGill’s accomplishments. He didn’t even have an interest in the law. But it didn’t matter; one way or another, Jimmy always seemed to come out ahead. And there was a part of her – some place way deep down she rarely examined – that admired that about him.
One night during Jimmy’s second week at HHM, one of the interns was hired as an associate, resulting in an impromptu gathering at the local bar downtown. Kim was glued to Jimmy’s side all evening, eager to finally have a real opportunity to get to know him. He’d gone on and on about his childhood, his bartending days, even his exes; and he listened raptly to her talk about her interest in the law and their shared love of old movies.
That evening she found herself falling for him, despite all the reasons she knew she probably shouldn’t. But at the end of the night when he paid for their final round of drinks, she stole a glance at his credit card.
There it was, like a slap to the face: James McGill.
She’d had no idea. This was obviously important, but he hadn’t mentioned it, not once. He’d talked all evening about everything under the sun except his apparent familial connection to the firm.
Kim definitely took pause at this. He was working her now, he had been all night. But– and she would spend years wondering why– she liked it. She liked the way Jimmy McGill could accomplish pretty much anything he set his mind to with nothing more than his mouth.
She probably shouldn’t have let it go any further. The responsible part of her, the part that hadn’t allowed herself any romantic distractions during law school should have served a cease and desist, so to speak, and hightailed it back to the firm’s library to get in a couple extra hours of study time instead.
But that other part of her… that other part really wanted to take him back to her apartment to see what else he could do with that mouth.
***
As it turned out, he was excellent with his mouth.
It had been some time since Kim had been intimate with a man, and as she lay next to Jimmy, his hand softly massaging her scalp, she found herself wondering why.
Craving a cigarette, she sat up in her bed with the sheet clutched to her naked chest, rummaging around in her nightstand for the pack and lighter she kept stashed there. She felt a little guilty about it; she’d been trying to quit for months but it hadn’t stuck.
“Do you mind?” she asked Jimmy.
“Be my guest.”
She lit the cigarette and took a drag, laying back down into the crook of his shoulder.
“That shit’ll kill you, you know,” he said.
She exhaled, long and slow. “I know.”
After a moment, Jimmy reached over and plucked it from her lips, bringing it back to his own to take a puff for himself, then gently replaced it between hers. It was the best cigarette she’d ever tasted.
They lay together in their post-coital silence, but she was comfortable for some reason she couldn’t quite fathom. Maybe it was because she spent most every minute of her professional existence talking. Sharing the quiet with someone she liked was rare and precious.
“So,” she said after several long moments. It would have to come up sooner or later. “McGill, huh?”
He tensed next to her. Then he sighed, letting out a little chuckle. “Everyone at the office says you never miss a thing.”
“I am pretty thorough.”
“How’d you find out?”
“Back at the bar. Saw your credit card.”
He reached for her cigarette once more to take another drag, but said nothing.
“Why did you lie, Jimmy?”
“I didn’t lie,” he shrugged, at least as well as he could on his back. “I… strategically withheld a piece of information.” He exhaled a long plume, then stared up at the ceiling.
“A pretty vital one.” She turned to look up at him.
Jimmy looked thoughtful, troubled even. “Chuck is my brother. It’s a lot to live up to. And you…” He glanced at her. “You’re incredible. I didn’t want you to be disappointed, I guess.”
She understood this, mostly. Kim certainly had no name to live up to, no legacy to uphold. And Charles McGill was one of the best attorneys in the state. Jimmy must have known pressure the way very few at HHM did, despite his disinterest in the law.
“Don’t you feel a little guilty for sleeping with me under false pretenses?”
“Did I?” He raised an eyebrow. “You figured it out before you invited me back here.”
“Well, yeah, but you didn’t know that,” she pointed out. She knew on some level she should be pissed, but she wasn’t. She liked him, regardless of his last name. Besides, he was right. It hadn’t stopped her anyway.
She chuckled, rolling over onto her back. “Jesus, Jimmy. Getting off on a technicality.”
“Quite literally.”
Her chuckle turned into a full laugh, which he shared. “You sure you don’t want to be a lawyer?”
“Nah,” he replied. “I’m no Chuck.”
“You don’t have to be like Chuck to be a great lawyer. Don’t sell yourself short.”
He was quiet, considering her words. Then, “Maybe I did want you to see the card.”
She turned her neck towards him, rolling back over, closing the space between them. Whatever his intentions with her at the bar – and all week, for that matter – there was something in his eyes that told her he was being absolutely authentic now.
“Anyway, I’m sorry,” he said.
She grabbed the cigarette back from him and took another drag, placing it back between his lips again, leaving it there. “I’m not.”
Jimmy took one last puff, then reached over her to put the butt out in the UNM Law ashtray at her bedside. When he did so, she breathed him in; he smelled like paper fresh from the copier, like laundry and ink. Like sex. She wanted more of it and wasn’t sure now if that would happen.
“So… what now?” She’d never had a one night stand before and wondered if that was exactly what this would turn out to be.
“I guess that’s up to you.”
“Me?”
“If you don’t want to see me anymore, I’ll accept that. I’ll be devastated, but I’ll do my best to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.”
Kim stifled a small giggle. With anyone else it would come off as sarcastic, even a little petty. But she knew that he liked her. The thought of ending whatever this was made her heart ache a little bit.
“I can’t promise this rejection won’t send me directly into the arms of Mabel, though,” he then added, and Kim burst into laughter. Jimmy’s fingers were trailing lightly up and down her bare shoulder, sending shivers down her spine. She had no idea what to do, but she knew she didn’t want to move from this spot.
“I’m not rejecting you,” she said carefully.
“But you’re rejecting something.”
“I’m rejecting… this situation.”
“Meaning…?”
“I can’t date you, Jimmy. You have to see that.”
“See what?” He said it so innocently it hurt.
“It’s unprofessional to date someone from work anyway but… a senior partner’s brother? No.” She shook her head. “No way.”
He was quiet for a moment, his thumb still gently rubbing circles against her shoulder. “I really like you, Kim.”
“I like you too.” She didn’t hesitate. It was the truth. “But I have to play HHM’s game, Jimmy. By their rules. I do if I want to make partner.”
He exhaled, frustrated. “You know what? I reject that. You can win at anyone’s game, it's all about knowing how to play the cards you’re dealt.”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugged, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t know. I mean… maybe… we just play them close to the vest.”
She knew exactly what he meant, and he looked so hopeful she almost gave in. But then she remembered everything she’d been working so hard to achieve. This wasn’t a good idea and she knew it.
“I can’t keep this a secret. It’s not fair to either of us.”
“What, then? We can’t see each other publicly, and we can’t privately? Where does that leave us?”
The truth was, she wanted to do what they’d just done again and again. The urge was so compelling she wanted to give herself over to it, say fuck it all and do what felt good. But there was something inside her that knew it wasn’t the right decision. It would never work.
“It leaves us friends,” she declared, somewhat resigned.
“Ah. Friends,” he replied. “That sounds fun.”
“Shut up,” she said with a smirk.
“Your loss, you know. You saw what I did to those stamps.”
She laughed again, realizing that she hadn’t laughed the way she had tonight in a really long time. He seemed like he was content with this solution, but she wanted to be sure. “Are you… okay with this?”
“Yeah,” he said earnestly. “I am. I could use a friend.”
Their faces were so close together they were practically touching. She could feel his breath against her nose, and she found her hand reaching up to cup his cheek almost of its own accord. She wanted him badly; both sides of her were duking it out in her mind, but the responsible side seemed to triumph.
“Friends,” she repeated firmly. And then suddenly, they were kissing again. She had no idea who started it, all she knew is that she didn’t want it to end.
Jimmy eventually broke the kiss, leaning back with a raised eyebrow. “How about one for the road, friend?”