Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I’m so sorry,”

Tyler’s ears started ringing a dreadful tone, piercing through his whole body painfully and deafeningly. The room felt suddenly brighter and the doctor’s desk was spinning in front of his eyes.

“They sent the results over, and as we feared, it does appear to have come back again,”
“Okay. Okay. Right. How soon can he start the first chemo cycle? Because last time he had to wait for the bone marrow aspiration, and another biopsy, and, and a PET-CT scan and an MRI, and the line placement, and there was another hold up too but I can’t remember exactly what. I just remember the gap between diagnosis of the relapse and treatment was far far too long. This time I think it would be best for us to get going as soon as possible, because the wait last time was agonising. The quicker we start, the quicker he’s better, right?”
“We will need to repeat some of those procedures to fully grade the relapse, but we’ll get the ball rolling today and hopefully initiate treatment soon,”

The ground was squishy, and his bones were squishy, and it sounded like Josh and the lady were underwater. Maybe he was the one underwater. His chest felt cold and gloopy, his legs weightless, his arms numb and prickly. He couldn’t see straight.

“What are the odds after a third cancer diagnosis? Are they generally considered easier to treat? Or, or are they considered more persistent,” Josh was always keen to ask as many questions as possible. Today was no different.
“Just going off the numbers I have in front of me, we do appear to have caught it earlier this time, which is promising. When you were previously in remission Tyler, a few cancer cells snuck by us again, unfortunately, so to ensure we get every single one this time and get rid of this once and for all, so you don’t keep relapsing, we will most likely be going to use a different sort of chemo that’s considered more intense. I can’t talk about anything like odds or ease of treatment until I see some scans and some more thorough blood work, then I’ll have a better idea of what it is exactly that we’re up against, however another relapse does mean we need to work harder this time to properly eliminate the cancer,”

Tyler’s tongue was sticking to the roof of his mouth, stopping him from being able to breathe.

“Do you think your team can get it all this time? Because this is the third time in 5 years we’ve had this conversation, and, and I don’t know how many more times I can do this, let alone Tyler.”
“I can’t make promises, I can vow to do my best,” the doctor nodded along, holding her pen in the palm of her hand.

“You have any questions, love?” Josh’s hand found Tyler’s thigh and squeezed gently.

He didn’t have a voice capable of answering.

“It’s a lot to take in, I can appreciate that Tyler, and I can also totally understand if you’re getting tired of all of this. I don’t want to be seeing you back in my clinic just as much as you don’t want to be here. I can understand if you’re losing hope and faith in the process when the rewards seem so fleeting, but this is in the early stages from what I can tell, and with the more intense chemo, you shouldn’t need as many rounds. Your numbers are no way near the levels they were at when I first met you. Try to remain optimistic, there are still plenty of options ahead of you, okay?” She tried to inspire him.

“Home?” He whispered to Josh, who nodded.
“Let’s get you home, darling. I’ll email you this evening Dr Lacey?”
“I look forward to answering those questions. Again, I am sorry this has happened Tyler,”
“Third time's the charm. We’ll get every last cell this try, I know we will,” Josh sighed, helping Tyler with his coat.

He was 25 when he first noticed something wasn’t right, and 26 when he found the pea-sized lump under his arm, to be told it was cancer, Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a few days later. With Josh by his side he did round after arduous round of chemo, and was in remission after 6 months of vomiting and extreme fatigue. It took almost a year for him to gain his strength back.

He was 27 when he first noticed something had regressed, and 27 when the scans confirmed the lumps were back. Lymphoma again. The chemo was stronger, he was weaker, and when his access line got infected, the sepsis that spread through his body like wildfire nearly killed him. Josh proposed in the ICU and an officiant had them married, and Tyler was on a ventilator before the end of their wedding day. He got better, somehow, and they resumed chemo. At 27 his body was broken down and beaten beyond comprehension, but they told him the cancer was really gone this time.

He was 30 and he didn’t even notice how much he’d regressed, it was Josh, picking up on the swelling, and the stains of the night sweats, that dragged him back to the clinic he hated so much. He was 30 when they found the cancer again.

“Do you want some water? Or, or tea?”

He’d done everything right. Everything ever published, he’d abided by. Never smoked, hadn’t had a drink in 5 years, once upon a time exercised daily, ate a healthy diet, always been a healthy weight until the recent losses, stayed out of the sun, avoided stress, had all his vaccines, been to all the routine check-ups, slept well, took vitamins - everything he was supposed to do, he’d done.

Even after the first diagnosis, he followed the rules. He’d trusted the team through every treatment they suggested, letting them cut and inject and poison him every time they wanted to. He’d never missed a pill, he’d always turned up to chemo, he rested when they told him to rest and relaxed when they told him to relax. He’d been a good patient.

“Darling,”

He’d done all the extra things too. With Josh as his guide and the permission of his doctors, he’d tried all the holistic healings too. He’d tried acupuncture and CBD and essence therapy and reflexology and a dozen other alternative and complementary therapies and treatments. He went to counselling to force his mental health into a better place. He went to family counselling to force his family’s mental health into a better place. He went to couples counselling to force Josh’s mental health into a better place. Everything every reliable institution recommended, he’d tried with enthusiasm.

“Tyler, we don’t have to talk about it, but can we talk about something at least? Just so I know you’re not going off in that mind of yours?”
“I’m gonna go on a walk,”
“Okay, let me put my shoes back o-“
“Just me.”
“Is that a good idea?”
“Yeh.”
“Yeah? Because you couldn’t manage the stairs this m-“
“Just around the block.”
“You haven’t been able to walk that f-“
“Fresh air. Clear my head.”
“Can I follow 5 paces behind or something?”
“Please. I’m okay. Please.”
“It’s scary to me, you get that, yeah?”
“You can call the police if I’m not back in 30 minutes, I’m, I’m not, this isn’t anything suspicious, it’s just some air.”
“Even if you don’t mean to hurt yourself, you might not be able to handle this alone babe-“
“I know what I’m doing, just let me do it? Please?”
“Okay.” Josh obviously didn’t trust him. “I trust you.”

“We’re going in on Monday for the full works. Scans and bloods and everything to see just how far along it is, but he doesn’t have noticeable lumps yet, and, and the doctor said it appears we’ve caught it early, so yeah. I got the impression that it won’t be as hard as last time.” Josh was speaking to someone on the phone about him.

Tyler played with the fringe on the pillow he hugged. The finer movements of his fingers were limited and clumsy from the ghost of chemotherapy induced peripheral neuropathy, but he managed to brush the strands around just fine.

“Yeh, yeh no definitely, I’ll let him know.”

The first time around they’d visited everyone important in person to deliver the news. The second time their families got an in person visit but everyone else heard via FaceTime. Now it was a combination of phone calls and a planned Facebook post.

“I don’t think so but I’ll double check. Also I’m going to get in touch with the team over in New York who helped us last time when he was in the ICU to get their opinions - exactly, no harm in asking.”

Tyler didn’t want to be on any of the calls.

“Exactly. That’s basically what my mom said when I spoke to her, we didn’t come this far to only come this far.”

Josh always paced when he was on the phone. Tyler could see the tracks in the carpet deepening with each call.

“Thank you, yeah, thank you. I think we’re okay for now but I’ll reach out if the time comes when I can’t manage it all myself. My folks are coming round tomorrow and they’re bringing dinner with them, we’ll probably end up in bed before dinner tonight but if we’re up I’ll order in, so as delicious as that sounds, we’re good for now. Exactly. I will. We’re just taking it one day at a time - yeah, yeah, I guess we are getting good at this. Thank you. Alright, much love. Yeah, I’ll tell him, speak soon. Thanks, bye, bye, thank you,”

He sighed and flopped down next to Tyler on the couch.

“They send their love,”
“Who was that one?”
“Steph and Steve.”
“How many more?”
“Probably ought to tell Rocky, and Lara and Jess, and Mike.”
“Mike?”
“My brother’s best friend,”
“Why do all these random people need to know the intimate details of my health all the time?”
“They don’t, sweetheart. If you don’t want me to call then I absolutely won’t, not an issue. This is your life and your battle and nobody is entitled to know anything. I’m only suggesting because they’ve all been there for us before, whether that’s financially, or emotionally, or however else. Mike picked us up that one time when my car broke down and we were late for chemo, remember? And he’s been there for me when you’ve been inpatient, it was him and Jordan who took me to the batting cages when I was freaking out that one time. If you don’t want us to tell him then I understand, I just think it would be the polite thing to do. I also understand if manners and social etiquettes aren’t your priority right now.”

Josh had a lot of friends. Tyler only had friends because Josh had friends.

“Let’s take a break from the calls.” He tossed his phone onto the armchair next to them, then shuffled closer. “You okay?”
“Other than the cancers pulsing around my body?”
“Including everything,”
“Tired, cold, bored,”
“Bored? Do you wanna watch a movie or something?” Josh played with his hair. It was a sensitive subject for Tyler, who knocked his hand away without even thinking about it. “Sorry.”
“I’m not bored of this moment, I’m, I’m bored of this, uh, you know.”
“I’m fucking sick and tired of it too. Last time though, hey?”
“You said that last time.”
“This time they’re gonna be so so particular and meticulous and scrupulous and, and every other synonym for detail oriented. They’re gonna get every last cell, and I won’t let them discharge you until I’m sure they’ve got every single one.”
“They’re gonna kill me.”
“Kill you? No, poppet, what are you talking about?”
“If they’re not letting any cell escape, that means they’re gonna poison and radiate the shit out of every part of me.” He mumbled numbly.

Josh didn't say anything.

“It feels different this time. I can feel pressure pushing on my eyes. What if it’s in my brain?”
“Pressure? What do you mean by pressure?”
“I don’t know, pressure. And in the appointment my eyesight and hearing went all funny.”
“It’s probably just stress, hey? We’re getting you checked on Monday, they’ll find anything, if there’s something to be found then we’ll deal with it the same we always deal with it. Together.”

This time it was Tyler who didn’t say anything.

“Want me to call your therapist? Set up sessions again?”
“Later.”
“Later,” Josh nodded, then reached around him and cuddled him close to his chest. “We’ll cry about it in bed together tonight, yeah? Just gotta survive daylight,”
“Sounds fun,”
“Luckily I bought those nice tissues with the balm last week.”
“Think I might just use your shirt instead,”
“I’ll allow it,” he chuckled, then got more serious. “Everything I have and everything I am is yours, now and forever.”
“Woah, that’s better than your actual vows,”
“In my defence, I had just been told you had hours to live,”
“You’d have thought that would inspire you,” Tyler teased, knowing it was Josh’s preferred coping mechanism. “Can’t believe you married me for inheritance money, only for me to turn around live - classic prank.”
“You got me.”
“Now and forever,” Tyler nestled against him.

“I’m sorry, you know, for calling everyone. I’m trying to skip the stages, the, uh, the aggression and the denial and depression, and go straight into action mode. I thought making myself useful would be what you needed, and I thought it would be a healthier place to channel my energy. I’m sorry if skipping ahead has left you in that grieving place alone,”
“It’s okay. They’re your support network, it makes sense you want them up to date.”
“Our network, not just mine.”
“They keep you up and you keep me up. You know my instinct is isolation,”
“My lil introvert,” he kissed Tyler’s temple. “Just leave a lil crack in the door to let me in? Then we’ll barricade the darn thing, you and me against the world.”

“I need to tell my mom,”
“I’ll help. Do you think it’s best to try now? Or wait till we have more details?”
“If we wait then I’ll only have to talk to her once this week, which is a win,”
“Agreed,”
“But she might be mad if I keep it from her,”
“Possibly. We don’t have to tell her we found out today though, we could lie and say all the news came on Wednesday when we get the rest of the results?”
“Mmm,”
“We might be underestimating her, there’s always a chance she’ll have something positive to say,”
“Has she ever had anything positive to say?” Tyler raised an eyebrow.
“Hey, she wished both of us a Merry Christmas this year. Mind, it was a week late, but she tried!” Josh chuckled in her pathetic defence.
“Only took 10 months of family therapy to get us to this excellent position. I’m sure throwing this spanner into the works won’t be disruptive at all! She coped super well the last two times, totally didn’t get a thousand times worse or anything, remember?”

“She’s important but she’s not our priority, hey? Our priority is you,”
“Us.”
“Our priority is us.” Josh kissed him.

“Tyler?? TY?!”

He could hear his husband panicking. He must have woken up to an empty bed in the middle of the night and presumed the worst. It took longer than he was proud of to call out to him.

“Here, babe,”
“Are you okay? Can I come in?” Josh didn’t barge through the door. For the most part, he’d always been good at respecting Tyler’s need for privacy.
“Yeh.”
“To both?”
“Yeh.”

Josh opened the bathroom door to find him cuddling his knees on the floor.

“This feels familiar,” he sat down next to him, close to the toilet bowl. “Have you been sick yet?”
“No, I’m not, I’m not nauseous right now. I needed to pee and then I felt light headed and wanted to sit and, and now I can’t get up.”
“You can’t get up? Is that a weakness thing or a dizzy thing or what, angel?”
“Anxiety thing.”
“Okay, permission to scoot over and give you a stonking great big cuddle?”
“Granted,”

Cuddles from his husband were better than any therapy. Even though he’d had to change out of his normal pyjama shirt after Tyler did as promised and snotty cried against him for several hours, the back up still smelled so familiar and comforting.

“Have you been here long?”
“I don’t have my phone to know the time, but, but a while,”
“And you know, if this ever happens again, you can always always shout for me?”
“I know that logically. I’m just, I’m, yeah,”
“I know. Do you want to have this conversation here? Or is bed better? I’ll carry you,”
“Here, where I’m going to be spending most of the next couple of months vomiting, or there, where I’ll spend the rest of my time sweating and shaking and crying and sleeping and I’ll quite literally be toxic.”
“Here with me or there with me. I’ll be wherever you are,”
“Here. For now, here,”
“I’ll have to remember to start storing the stuff in here again, the blankets and pillows and crackers and ginger ale, and everything,”
“Even the thought of those crackers makes me feel like I’m in the height of chemo all over again,”
“Maybe this time we try keeping trail mix close by or something?”

He knew Josh felt helpless during those months he spent hugging the toilet bowl. Establishing and maintaining a care hamper was his way of supporting Tyler, keeping everything they could possibly need close by. Meds, cloths and wipes to clean up with, potions to make the room smell better, things to attempt to settle his stomach, distractions, comforts, hydration options, everything he could ever need and more. At one point Josh during the last relapse, Josh would read to him from books as he chucked up the lining of his stomach, not because it soothed Tyler necessarily, but because it made him feel less useless.

“I don’t want to do it again.”
“I get that, love bug,”
“I, I think I mean it Josh. I don’t think I want to do it again,”
“Of course you don’t darling, it’s made you so poorly before, but you’re brave and capable and-“
“I think I don’t want treatment.”

Josh twisted to look him in the eyes.

“It’s 5am, you’re anxious, let’s not do anything silly-“
“I’m not being silly, I’m being serious. I want to talk about my options.”
“That’s not funny, Ty.”
“I’m being serious. On Wednesday I want to ask what happens if I say no,”
“Why would you say no?”
“To being poisoned?”
“To a chance at survival.”
“8 in 10 people live for 10 years,”
“That’s with treatment, Tyler. And still, 2 in 10 die. And I don’t want you to live for 10 years, I want 100 years with you. I don’t understand why you’re saying this? Please, we, we just got married, I need you Ty,”

Tyler knew it was too soon to say anything.

“It’s treatable, it’s so so treatable. It’s one of the good ones. The odds are so good compared to so many other cancers. I’m not asking you to endure chemo for a tiny chance of survival, I’m begging you to do it because the overwhelming majority of people make a recovery.”
“Until they relapse.”
“I won’t let that happen again.”
“You have no control, I have no control, the only thing I can control is this.”

“You’re being irrational. You’re in shock, today was fucking terrible, and you’re in shock.”
“I’m not.”
“I’ll tell them about how you used to hurt yourself. I’ll, I’ll get some kind of ruling to say you’re not fit to make these decisions,”
“Josh, they don't care I was depressed when I was 14, they’ll see all the years I’ve spent trapped in limbo between death and dying, and they’ll respect my autonomy and-“
“So you want to let it kill you.”

“I want to do something other than chemotherapy.”
“Another treatment?”
“Another version of life. No hospital visits, no medications, no interventions, just, just doing everything I can with everything I already have. I’ve already wasted years of my life sitting in those chairs, laying in those beds, puking on these floors. What if I consent and go through it all and I still die? My last years spent in agony, too weak to recognise myself, too-“
“We’ve had a good few years Ty. I know getting your strength back after the sepsis was hard-“
“Hard? Josh, I couldn’t walk, for a while there I couldn’t eat, or hold my own head up. It took everything and more from me and I have never felt the same since. My 12 minute walk up the road and back earlier was the furthest I’ve walked without you there to hold me up in 5 years. Every day of this has chipped and chipped and chipped away at me, and I can’t even begin to imagine what a third bout of treatment will be, especially given she said it would be a more intense drug. I don’t want to keep losing parts of myself to treatments that are only short term fixes.”

“We got it early. Just a nudge and it will be gone for good. Please.”
“Feel this.” He grabbed Josh’s fingers and steered them to the site he’d found not long ago. A lump above his collarbone.
“No,” Josh could clearly feel it too.
“So it’s already spread to multiple lymph node regions, which makes it at least stage 2. It’s not that early.”
“You’re panicking because you found a new lump, okay, okay I completely understand now, you’re freaking out, but after a few more hours sleep you’ll feel-“
“Exactly the same.”
“Completely different. Please Ty, it’s too soon to be making these silly choices when we don’t even know the extent of what you're up against.”

“You don’t want to be alone, I get that.” Tyler tried to understand where he was coming from.
“Of course I don’t want to fucking be alone! You’re my husband! You’re my husband. Please. I came this close to losing you before, I had a funeral director in my contacts, please don’t make me need to use it.”
“I think it’s in my brain, Josh. I wasn’t just anxious rambling earlier and I’m not now. I’ve been thinking it for a little while, things have been off for me for ages, and, yeah, I looked it up, I spoke to a hotline a few weeks ago, I think it’s a brain tumour.”
“So why didn’t you let me call a doctor earlier? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew you’d act like this,”
“Like what? Keen for you to not fucking die? Yeah no shit. You’re the love of my life and the reason I exist and losing you would have me utterly miserable for the rest of my pointless days.”

“I can’t do it again. It’s not your place to tell me I must.”
“Yes it is, actually. You don’t get to make decisions that impact both of us without my input.”
“I would do anything for you, Josh, anything except go through this again.”
“Why not? I appreciate it’s the worst thing a person can physically endure, I know that, but am I not worth it?”
“Don’t make this about you. You married me, thinking I was going to die that same day. All of this has been borrowed time. Why can’t you appreciate these bonus years and then revert back to that mindset that accepted me dying.”
“I never accepted you were dying. Do you seriously think I would have made such an effort to marry you if I thought you were going to die? I was trying to give you hope and spirit and something to fight for, and it worked.”
“I don’t remember our wedding day, Josh. I had severe sepsis, all my organs were failing, I was delirious.”
“I remember it. You were dying, they said you wouldn’t make the night, I arranged our wedding in a matter of minutes, and within a few days of the ceremony, your numbers were looking better. Love and hope move mountains. This relationship saved you before and it can save you again, but only if you don’t block me out!”

“You can’t seriously think you can love the cancer away.”
“If I loved you better, you wouldn’t be contemplating death. I can work on being a better husband and partner and friend. I can be better, please, just don’t do this. I need you! I need you I need you I need you,” Josh pressed his forehead against Tyler’s temple, on the verge of tears. Tyler felt nothing.

“I consented to chemo twice, and I’ve been suffering for half a decade now. I’d like to enjoy what time I have, not spend it on this bathroom floor.”
“Whatever’s happening to your brain, tumour or not, I’m gonna get you checked out. My Tyler would never say these things. Something isn’t right with you. Ty would never give up.”
“I’m not giving up, I’m choosing dignity and quality of life.”
“Maybe I should call Dr Lacey’s office right now, see if we can get you scanned earlier, so you can see how many excellent treatment options you have available. I don’t want you spending the weekend thinking these awful things,”

“I’ve made up my mind.”
“Then unmake it! You don’t get to choose to widow me at 30 goddammit!” Josh snapped. “Let me put you to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning,”
“I won’t.”
“You will. You have to.”

Chapter Text

“Eat a bit more, babe. Every calorie counts right now, you’ve got at least a week till chemo starts, so let’s try and gain at least a pound or two, yeah?” Josh prompted him, pushing his plate closer.
“Not doing chemo.”
“And I can make you toast, you like toast, right? We’ve got Nutella and strawberry jam and honey and peanut butter - I could make you a slice of each?”
“I won’t eat it.”
“I can make you more pancakes? Or top up your granola?”

He was surrounded by plates and bowls of food that Josh kept pushing on him. They made him feel sick.

“Oh! We have frozen grapes! I can melt chocolate and you can dip them?”
“Stop it. Eat your breakfast. Leave me alone,” Tyler looked away.
“Eat some fucking food then.”

Tyler had managed to get back to sleep after the early hours’ conversation. Josh hadn’t. Tyler woke up to him crying down the phone to his friend.

“I shouldn’t have cussed.”
“Nope.”
“Sorry.”
“All good,” Tyler sighed, sipping on some water. He also had orange juice and green tea and hot chocolate in front of him. Josh hadn’t been able to stop himself from making more and more and more.

“Do you wanna, um, what do you wanna do today? We’ve got the rest of that paint by numbers to finish,”
“Can we go somewhere? Do something? A cafe or something?”
“Cafe?” Josh frowned. They never left the house for something they could easily achieve at home.
“Yeah, I wanna start doing more fun things together, making more memories,”

His husband flinched and turned away, biting his lip.

“Lucky me. My husband dies an avoidable death at 30 but at least I’ll have the memory of sharing a crappy overpriced cuppa together to see me through the next 60 years of grief.”
“We’ll do more stuff than just that, but we’ve gotta start somewhere. And I’m not going to die this year, it takes time.”
“If you think I’m going to warm up to this idea, you’re wrong. Whether it takes a couple of months or a couple of years, I’m never gonna be okay with you making this decision.”
“Then should I just leave? Cos I’m not spending my time doing whatever the heck this is,” Tyler gestured to the dozens of dishes in front of him.

“I just don’t understand, Ty. We’ve been so happy.”
“It’s out of the blue, I know.”
“Your own death sentence shouldn’t be a spur of the moment thing.”
“I said it’s out of the blue to you, I didn’t say it was a spur of the moment thing.”
“You’ve been thinking about it for a while?” Josh asked and Tyler nodded. “How long?”
“Long time.”
“How long?”
“Doesn’t matter,”
“How long?”
“Do you remember inpatient rehabilitation? After the sepsis?”
“3 years. You’ve been wanting to die for 3 years. No.”
“I remember I was with the occupational therapist and she was trying to help me tie my own shoelaces, and I was halfway through the first one, and I got overwhelmed with fatigue and I just kinda crumpled over, and she said that’s okay, I could take a break, but I didn’t have the strength to sit back up and relax against the chair. She had to help me prop my head up on a pillow, and I remember thinking I’d do anything to never be that weak again.”

Josh’s breath was shaking. Tyler felt calm.

“You’re still gonna get weak even if you don’t get treatment.”
“I’ll get weaker faster if I get treatment.”
“You’ll get better afterwards though. And if you’re right, if it’s in your brain, that could do all sorts of things to curb your independence in ways we can’t comprehend yet. I know chemo isn’t a good option, I’m not suggesting it’s something you should be grateful for or excited about, but either way you’re gonna get weak - please pick the option that also gives me the honour of your company for the rest of my life. Please Tyler. It’s shit, it’s fucking horrible, but it’s worth it.”
“To you, not to me.”
“I’m not worth it?”
“It’s not about you!”
“How can you say that?? How can you say that?!”
“It’s my body, it’s my life, it’s, it’s my call.”
“If you die next week, your suffering ends next week. If you die next week, my suffering goes on forever, or until I end it with a swift fucking bullet to the brain.”

“Don’t threaten suicide. That’s not fair.”
“You’re threatening to kill yourself, it’s the exact same thing.”
“It’s not the same.” Tyler growled.
“It’s the exact same thing!” Josh slapped the table, making all the dishes and glasses jump and then ring. “7 years! 7 years I’ve been devoted to you, I’ve loved you loud and I’ve loved you well. We have been so fucking happy. We survived the depths of Hell together and lived to tell the tale, you do not get to throw away everything we’ve built together because you’re scared of a few cycles of chemo! You can do scary things! I know you’re traumatised from the complications last time, I know, and so am I, but frankly you need to try a bit harder before giving up.”

“I’m not giving up, I’m empowered, and, and making the right choices for me.”
“You’re not empowered, you’re running away.”
“I’m not scared, I’m completely at peace.”
“Sure, the anxiety attack last night seems like the behaviour of someone at peace.”
“I didn’t have an anxiety attack because I’m scared of dying, or chemo, I felt shitty because I was lying to you and making you think I was going to go ahead with treatment when I’m not.”
“You’re going to be having treatment.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re getting treatment. I don’t care what I have to do, I’ll hire lawyers and psychiatrists and I’ll file everything I need to prove you’re not capable of making informed sensible decisions. If it’s in your brain, they’re not going to let you make your own choices like this, I’ll get to dictate what happens and I’ll force them to treat you.”
“Do you think I’d still love you after that?”
“I’d rather you were alive and didn’t love me anymore than dead,” Josh looked close to tears again.

He sniffed and drops fell down both cheeks simultaneously.

“Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t leave me here, alone.”
“So many people love you,”
“Not how you love me, please Ty, I’d give up everything and more for you.”
“This isn’t goodbye, we’ve got so much time still,”

Josh’s tears were picking up in pace.

“Sorry, sorry you’ll have to excuse me, I just need a minute.” He fled the room.

“It’s just in that drawer, yep, and-“
“The balsamic?”
“Up there,” Josh was rushing around the kitchen, helping his mom pull together dinner, whilst Tyler and Josh’s dad Bill were sitting on the couch against the far wall of the room, silently watching the whirlwind of chaos unfold.

“Dad, help Ty sit up at the table please?”
“I can do it.” Tyler turned down the offer stubbornly, knowing he was capable and not liking to be underestimated.
“It’s a habit, he forgets how strong you are now,” Bill could sense the annoyance and spoke reassuringly under his breath as the pair stood up and slowly walked over to the table.

Josh’s parents were where he got his phenomenal ability to love so well from. They were warm and kind people, gentle, stable, caring - everything his own parents weren’t. They’d been there through it all with a soothing smile and a reassuring tidbit of advice.

“Here, I’ll sit next to you,” Bill helped himself to the chair beside him. “How’s your appetite been lately?”
“Pretty normal. It’s the chemo that usually does it rather than the cancer,”
“I heard you weren’t so keen on your breakfast this morning?” Josh told everyone everything.
“I ate. He made me 12 pancakes, 2 bowls of cereal, 4 pieces of toast, a massive fruit platter including a whole mango and a whole pineapple, a bowl of yoghurt and honey, 3 fried eggs, a whole pack of bacon, and probably some other stuff I’m forgetting. I ate. I ate a bowl of granola and a slice of toast, which is normal for me, but he just thinks I didn’t because he's trying to fatten me up like a pig for slaughter and I fell short by that scale.”

Josh and his mom were so busy rushing around that they couldn’t hear the conversation.

“He’s freaking out. He’s always been a compulsive workaholic when he’s stressed, gosh, I remember SAT week, he redecorated the house and sewed his sisters a prom dress each. He can’t sit still, he always has to be moving,”
“What can I do?” It wasn’t news to Tyler, he’d seen plenty of Josh’s attempts at coping with overwhelming situations in the 7 years they’d been together, but he appreciated Bill’s insight nevertheless.
“I think he feels on the outside looking in on all of this. Talk to him. Let him know what you’re thinking as you’re thinking it, rather than keeping that process to yourself and updating him once you’ve come to a conclusion. He wants, needs, to be in the loop.”

“He told you, didn't he?”
“About your wishes regarding treatment? Yeah. At least he gave us his side of things. I’m keen to hear your side sometime soon - maybe not at the dinner table, but soon,”
“There’s not much to it,”
“I doubt that somehow.” Bill smiled sadly. “But I’ll always respect and protect you, and love you, no matter what happens next.”
“Thank you,”
“You’re my son, now and forever,”
“That means more than you know.”

“If he’s angry, if he’s upset, if he’s trying too hard, if he’s too sharp, if he’s too much, it’s all because he's scared.”
“I know that, I, I’m scared too. I want to be doing this together and it’s the first time since we met that he’s been an adversary.”
“You’re a team. It’s not like you two to take opposite sides, I get that,”
“We’re both firm where we are too. I’m not backing down, and I don’t think he will either,”
“Is there somewhere in the middle you could meet?” Bill asked and Tyler shrugged. “You could maybe commit to one cycle? If it’s working you do another, if it’s not then you explore other options,”
“It doesn’t really work like that. You need at least four cycles in a course, usually more, and if I do four then I might as well do eight, yanno? My hair will be gone, I’ll be puking and exhausted and weak and I’ll get sores in my mouth and rashes and bruises and swelling and diarrhoea and all my nails will crumble and I’ll be in pain and the neuropathy will come back so I’ll feel like I’m being electrocuted and stabbed and burned and I’ll lose my fine motor skills and my balance and my coordination all over again. Everything I’d sooner die than endure again. To then decide to withdraw from treatment seems like the worst of both worlds and a horrible final season of my existence.”

“Is there an alternative? Radiation or something?”
“Do you think that sounds any better?” Tyler spread his lips wide and raised his eyebrows. Bill seemed to understand.
“Did the extra stuff help last time? The energy healing and whatnot?”
“Made me feel less passive because I was making an effort, and J felt less useless as he threw himself down avenue after avenue of research, but no, I don’t think it actually did anything to the cells.”
“I’ll get in trouble if he hears me say this, however I’d feel improper if I left you in this predicament alone. Maybe natural remedies is the happy medium. He gets what he wants, to try something rather than giving in entirely, and you get what you want, to let the tumours grow.”

“It’s not that I want to let them grow.” Tyler corrected him, and he nodded. “I just don’t want to subject myself to the misery and suffering of treatment, only for the cancer to come back again. Feels like, both times now, just when I finally start to get my strength back, it comes back with a vengeance. If I started chemo tomorrow, and did as many courses as it takes, I would never be as strong as I am today again. And I’m half as strong as I was last time. I’m just scared of what I’ll be like after a third bout, then what if I relapse again and need a fourth? And a fifth?”

It felt uncomfortable to be having the conversation with Josh just a few metres away, but maybe if he eavesdropped and learned a little about where he was coming from, he might understand better.

“You don’t know the long term potential for recovery. Just because you weren’t given the time to fully regain your strength this time, doesn’t mean it will never happen in the future.”
“I’ll never get the time if I keep relapsing.”
“You must be very certain it will come back a fourth time if you’re willing to die to avoid it.”
“Did J tell you I think it’s in my brain?”
“He mentioned it.”
“If it’s skipped from my lymph nodes to my brain, it’s almost definitely somewhere else too. I did my research and only 45 people have had Hodgkin’s move to the brain, incredibly incredibly rare. It’s probably moved somewhere else as an intermediary if it’s metastasising, and that makes it stage 4, and-“
“You’re skipping a lot of steps there Tyler, in fact I’d say you’re catastrophizing. Let’s at least wait till your scans before presuming it’s spread everywhere, and let’s talk to an expert before presuming it’s going to relapse again. You’re completely valid if you presume things will go poorly, because you have a history of crappy situations, but let’s not confuse your bias and your fear with facts, okay? When do you get the results of Monday’s scans?”
“Got an appointment on Wednesday.”
“Okay. Wednesday night, when you have more of the knowledge you need to make this call, we’ll have this conversation again. Until then, no major decisions to be made, agreed?”
“Deal.” Tyler nodded with a sigh.

“Lasagne entirely from scratch, voila!” Josh’s mom served the dish in the middle of the table at the exact right moment, suggesting they’d been listening the whole time. Tyler made eye contact with Josh. He smiled. Tyler forced a smile back.

“Do you want a massage? See if that helps?”
“Are you gonna freak out if you find more lumps?”
“Probably a little bit,”
“Do you still wanna do it?”
“Yeah, of course,”
“Then I’d love that, yes please, thank you,”

Tyler felt achy all over. It felt like the beginning of the end.

When he could tolerate it, massages had been one of the few ways to relax in periods of such immense stress. His husband has perfected the skill beyond any professional Tyler had ever turned to - Josh knew his body better than he knew it himself.

He slipped his sweatshirt off and laid on his front on their bed. Josh had put a new sheet on, something he’d been doing every single day in response to the ring of sweat Tyler woke up to every single morning. It was a somewhat small thing that went under the radar, Tyler would wake up, be disgusted by the stain, go for a shower, and come back to fresh bedding.

“Thank you for always swapping and washing the sheets. I don’t say thank you enough,”
“I’ll let you in on a little secret. I bought a few new ones, so now I only have to wash them twice a week,” Josh had the small bottle of massage oil in his hands that they’d purchased last time he had cancer. “And you don’t have to thank me,”
“Just know I appreciate it?”
“You’re a cutie,”

The oil smelled of orange and something else Tyler couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Permission to straddle you?”
“Always,” Tyler smiled as Josh climbed on him, clearly not putting all his weight down, and when he pressed his hands into Tyler’s back, he felt relief almost instantly.

“We should take more pictures. We’ve got, like, 3 nice ones from 7 years of love,”
“Let’s have a lil photoshoot tomorrow.”
“Yeah?” Josh seemed surprised he was up for it.
“Yeah, it could be fun. It’s perfect actually, you know, with me wanting to try more stuff than watching TV all day but not really being up for hiking volcanoes and walking across countries and all that crap,”
“Do you want to try waking up for sunrise? That could be a cute picture and a cute memory,”
“What time is sunrise tomorrow?”
“Not too early, like just before 7 I think?”
“Ew,”
“I know I know,” Josh laughed. “Knowing you, if you still had the stamina you’d rather stay up all night than wake up that early,”
“100%, without a shadow of a doubt.”
“How about this Ty, over the next couple weeks, we wean you earlier and earlier. Like tomorrow you wake up at 10, then the day after 9.45, then the day after 9.30, and so on and so on, then it’s not such a shock to the system.”
“Or, counterpoint, we wean you later and later and later. Tonight you sleep at 1am, tomorrow 1.30, day after 2am, until we hit sunrise,”
“You want to turn me nocturnal?”
“Exactly!”

“One night, if you’re having a good day and you’re not too tired or anything, we could build a blanket fort and stay up as late as we can watching crappy movies and eating junk,”
“Yes!” Tyler grinned at the thought. “When your hands aren’t oily you need to write all this down and it can be like a checklist bucket list thing,”
“Sunrise photoshoot, late night movie fest, what else?”
“Sunset photoshoot too, and let’s take photos in every room of the house whilst I still have meat on my bones”
“Even the bathrooms and stuff?” Josh’s thumbs pressing against the knots in his shoulders was the stuff of dreams.
“Yeah, it will be funny. Imagine trying to have a shoot in the cupboard with the hoover,”
“Okay okay, let’s do it,”
“And we should go to a dollar store and buy a bunch of stupid props - I’ll buy props for you and you for me and it’s a surprise and we’ve gotta make super serious photos with them,”
“I like that,” he laughed.

“I wanna do more absurd stuff, you know? Stuff I wouldn’t normally do because people might stare,”
“Dancing in the rain? That kinda thing?”
“Yeah, and wearing a balloon hat to the mall,”
“Let’s learn balloon art together, that could be a fun low energy activity?”
“Going on the list,”
“And I’ve always wanted to spin plates, let’s try that together,” Josh was getting into it.
“Pottery, can we see how expensive pottery wheels are?”
“I’ll get you a wheel but I’m not getting you a kiln,”
“Deal, if and only if I can also get a sewing machine,”
“Heck yeah, sewing’s sexy,”
“I’ll sew you that strawberry dress everyone loves,”
“Did you see the black version? We could be matchy matchy, I’m the sunshine kid and you’re my goth husband,”
“Should we stop wearing sweatsuits and exclusively wear ball gowns from tomorrow?” Tyler suggested.
“Done.”

“Oh I know, I’ve always wanted to paint along with a Bob Ross video,”
“We can get paint and canvas easily, let’s definitely do that,” Josh encouraged him.
“And have you seen how cool crochet is now? Maybe I’ll make sweaters and scarfs and stuff,”
“Could you make me a beanie?”
“Definitely! Do you remember that charity that made me the beanie when I lost my hair the first time? Maybe I could donate some to them?”
“Ty, that would be amazing,”
“I wanna actually do that now I’m thinking about it,”

Josh stopped massaging him briefly.

“What? What is it?”
“There’s so much you want to do,”
“Yeah,”
“Give yourself the time to do it Ty, please,”
“Let’s not talk about this again.” He wriggled out from under Josh and sat up, back slimy and cold without his touch.

“Rather than making the most of however many limited months we have left, let’s make the most of the next 60 years. Please. 6 bad months of chemo for 60 good years.”
“I said let’s not talk about it, Josh.”
“You had a good conversation with my dad though, right? Right? So why can’t you give me that same opportunity?”
“Because he said he would love and support no matter what I choose. You-“
“I’ll alwa-“
“You said you’d try and convince a judge I’m crazy so you could restrain me to have me treated. With him there’s no wrong answer, with you there’s only one option and I’m tired of going round in circles.”
“I’m not squabbling over which restaurant we’re going to next, I’m begging you not to kill yourself. Maybe that’s getting repetitive for you but-“
“I’m gonna go have a shower.”

“Ty.” Josh protested when he climbed off the bed.
“Come join if you want, but we’re not talking about this. Every time you bring it up I’m just gonna walk away at this point because you refuse to open your mind to anything that isn’t your exact view. I mean it, I’m just gonna walk. If that means sleeping on the couch, fine. If that means getting an Uber to a hotel, fine. I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“Don’t leave,”
“Don’t mention my death and my biggest trauma when we’re having a nice time. Do you think I don’t want to talk about it because I can’t be bothered? No. I feel like fucking collapsing every time you mention or even imply chemo, so-“ he’d been going strong, but that word made his voice crack.

“Okay. Okay, I see it now, okay.”
“You don’t see it.” Tyler whispered.
“I see it, you’re terrified.”
“It’s more than terror, it’s, it’s like an actual fucking trauma response or something,” he was welling up and had to turn away and blink heavily. Josh stood up and approached him, hovering for permission to touch. Tyler didn’t bother with words and just allowed himself to slot against Josh’s chest.

“It’s okay to be scared, I’m scared,”
“No,”
“What do you mean no?” Josh didn’t care about the oil, just held him close.
“Being scared feels like something you can work on. I’m so beyond scared that I literally want to die and widow you and leave you alone forever and all those horrible things rather than have you-know-what again. I can’t do it again, I really genuinely to my core cannot tolerate that again.”
“You’re right, it’s almost definitely a trauma response, you were so sick and you nearly died and it took months for you to be able to do simple things again, arguably you’re still not fully restored, and that’s traumatic, so definitely it’s like PTSD. But you know what? People get better from PTSD. We can get you back into therapy, not the soft stuff either, like actual expert PTSD treatment with exposure therapy and management strategies and everything-“
“And every minute I waste in therapy, the cancer is growing and growing and growing, so I’ll need more and more and more treatment, so it will get harder and harder and harder for me to approach. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it.”

Josh kissed the top of his head. He was a little shorter than Tyler, but seemed so much bigger as Tyler cowered against him, trying not to shake too violently.

“How do you feel about the scans? Does it seem realistic that you’ll be able to lie still and not panic and squirm?”
“I want the scans, I, I want to know where exactly it is in my brain so I can google what happens next,”
“Knowledge is power, right? We can do it together. I’ll see if I can negotiate me staying in the room with the technician so I can be there with you,”
“I think I’m just gonna, I don’t know the word, I’m just gonna cut off and retreat into a place where I don’t know what’s happening to me,”
“Like dissociate?”
“Yeah,”
“Do you do that a lot?”
“Yeah,”
“Can you always control it? Like do you plan when you’re going to activate that mode, or does it just happen?”
“Just happens.”
“The other day? At dinner when you were just staring off?”
“I don’t remember,”
“Okay poppet, okay, I get it. If it protects you from feeling everything, emotionally, during the scan then that’s okay for now, but in therapy they’re probably going to try and give you better coping methods, hey? Can’t have my husband trapped in a bubble,”

“I’m sorry,”
“Why are you sorry? What have you got to be sorry for, hey? I’m the one who’s sorry. I’ve been so nasty to you when you’re so scared, I’m sorry Ty, I’m the one who’s sorry,”
“I just feel like I make everything so hard,”
“Everything is hard right now, you didn’t make it so,”
“But without me you wouldn’t-“
“Without you I wouldn’t be me. I don’t care whether it’s in your body or mine, this is our issue to deal with, hey? We’re in this together. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, we share everything, including this load.”

“I wanted us to get married again,” Tyler whispered against him. “On our anniversary I was gonna propose a vow renewal, and, and we could do a proper wedding, not in the intensive care unit, and I could be healthy, and we could dress up and get pictures and have our family celebrating around us, and, and, and now,”
“We’ll still do that, okay? We’re still gonna do that, and when you’re strong enough we’ll go on a honeymoon and everything. We’ll have a wedding with all the trimmings, I promise.”
“We need to do it now.”
“We’ll do it when you’re better,”
“I’m not gonna get better Josh, I can’t do it, I can’t,”
“I have so much confidence in your strength that I know we’re gonna have a wedding and then a beautiful long life together. We’re not in any rush,”

Tyler was upset beyond crying. He didn’t need to cry anymore, he was slipping into a numbness he was afraid he’d never leave.

“Is there a part of you that wants to not be alive?” Josh asked gently.
“I don’t know,”
“If there was a button you could press that would get rid of the cancer, would you hesitate?”
“I don’t know Josh, it’s complicated, it’s all so complicated. It’s not like the only thing that affects me is the present and the future, even if I got rid of it now, I still think about the past all the time and, and that can make it really hard to feel happy about still being here sometimes,”
“You’re not having the nightmares as much anymore, are you?”
“No but it still impacts everything. I have to see my port scar every time I get dressed, I feel the weakness in my body every time I stand for too long - I’m getting woozy right now - and when you play with my hair I get flashbacks to when it would come out in clumps. I wanted to go back to work soon, instead I’m confined to this bullshit again. Even small things like coffee, I miss drinking coffee so much, I loved being a barista, we met in the coffee shop I worked in, and now I haven’t been able to drink it in 5 years because either I’ve been told not to or I’m allowed but it messes with my insides so bad I don’t feel my version of right again for days. There’s big stuff, like needing to take a break climbing up the stairs and not being able to walk more than a few minutes, but then there’s a million tiny things that bring me back to thinking about horrible things. I, I look at my wedding ring, and I love you and I’m so glad we’re married, but I look at my ring and I’m reminded it’s from the day you were told I’d die. It comes at me from every angle, all the time, and it’s about to get so much worse,”

“First of all, come sit down, lay down, whatever you need to stop feeling woozy,” Josh gestured to the bed and kept an arm under him until he could relax back onto the mattress. “I know my experience of this scenario is different in so many ways, I’m not trying to imply this is just as hard for me as it is for you, I know the level of your suffering is beyond my comprehension and you've experienced pain, so many pains, that I’ve been lucky enough to have never even imagined, but I feel the way you describe sometimes. I get it, with the little things adding up to be the big things.”
“Mm,”

“I worry about you constantly. It’s beyond unhealthy at this point. Almost every single night I wake up multiple times whilst you’re sleeping and I reach over to check you still have a pulse. When you go to the bathroom in the middle of us watching TV or whatever, I wait until you close the bathroom door and then I creep into the hall to listen out if you’re okay. Even right now I’m subconsciously counting your resp rate. If I go longer than a few hours without scrolling through medical journals then I feel like a complete fucking failure-“
“Josh,”
“I get it too, with the wedding rings, I get it too. I get it with so many things, when I see your hands shaking I’m reminded, when I see you struggling on the stairs I’m reminded, when I see you napping half the day away to make it through till dinner I’m reminded. I’ll be talking to you and then suddenly I’m reminded of when they shoved the breathing tube in you, and how horrible you looked in the ICU, and the colour your skin went, and, and I know I’m just a witness but Jesus Christ it’s fucking awful. I’d give anything for some respite, and knowing we’ve got harder days ahead, no matter what route we take, makes me wanna bury my head in the sand indefinitely.”

“So why stay?”
“Why stay?” Josh echoed back.
“Yeh, I, this relationship causes you so much avoidable pain. You can leave, it’s okay, it’s really okay,”
“I’m staying because I love you. I’m staying because you’re worth it all,”
“I’m not,”
“You are,”
“I’m not,”

Josh lifted Tyler’s chin with a commanding finger, then kissed him briefly.

“You’re the best husband I could have ever asked for,”
“No, I’m nothing but a cancerous-“
“Tyler, you’re the best husband, the husband of my wildest dreams, and I love you. You’re my favourite person and it’s not only my duty but my honour to stand by you through every season of your life, good and bad, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna get you help, professional help, and I’m gonna offer everything I can, and we’re going to get you to a better place, okay? Maybe in that better place you feel able to accept treatment. Maybe in that better place you can better recognise what an asset you are to my life. Maybe in that better place you can make difficult decisions which I’ll disagree with, but I take back everything I said about force and I’m going to get better at listening. That’s not me saying I’ll hold the door open for you to run away from treatment, that’s me acknowledging that the last thing you need is me manipulating you into exposing yourself to your biggest fear. I’m going to stop applying pressure, and in return you’re gonna start PTSD therapy, okay? How does that sound?”
“I’ll do it.”

Chapter Text

The loud noise clicked down to the lowest volume of whirring, and the flat bed slowly rolled out of the cylinder.

“You’re all done. Stay still for just a moment longer honey, and we’ll help you up.” A lady’s voice crackled over the speaker system.

The radiology department ceiling had a print stuck to it, a jungle scene with hundreds of details to find in an effort to distract and occupy patients. They played music during the scan, Tyler was given the opportunity to choose the playlist but couldn’t, so Josh had requested a Glass Animals album they often blared through their house. Tyler couldn’t recall a single song that had played during the hour of scanning, though.

“You did so well sweetheart, I’m so proud of you, so proud,” Josh had been allowed back into the room with the woman and his face was only a few inches above Tyler’s. “You okay? You with me?”
“We’ll sit you up slowly, Tyler. Nice and slow,” the technician guided him to a more upright position, with his husband moving his feet towards the floor. “Do you feel okay to swap into a wheelchair?”

“Ty?”
“Uh huh,” he managed a nod.

He was wearing a gown, and those stupid anti slip socks. Josh had helped him into both.

“Was it big? The one in my brain,” Tyler asked quietly, settling into the oversized transporting chair.
“Your doctor will get the report within 5 business days-“
“Dr Lacey asked for the quicker results option, like a higher level of urgency,” Josh frowned.
“Oh, okay, so in that case they’ll have the results by tomorrow and you’ll likely hear back on Wednesday,”
“Was it big though?”
“I can’t say sweetie,”
“There was something to find then?” Josh was pounding her too.
“I’m just the tech, I don’t read the scans, and even the diagnostic radiologist needs time to write up their findings. We don’t have any results for you right now,”
“A hint?” Josh asked again.
“She can’t,” Tyler accepted what he already knew to be true before initiating the conversation.

“Let me take you back to the bay, they’ll keep you here for half an hour or so, they’ll remove your IV and give you plenty of water to flush the radiotracer from your system, then you’re free to head home and rest up,”
“Can I push him?”
“Of course, I’ll come to speak to the nursing team on the ward to let them know you’re all done,” she nodded, holding the door open for them then leading the way down the hall that made Tyler feel so sick.

“You okay?” Josh briefly squeezed his shoulder as they went.
“Tired.”
“Early night tonight. When we get home we’ll get straight into PJs, hey?”
“Will you run me a bath?”
“Absolutely, darling,”

“Alright, nice to meet you Tyler, Josh, have a nice rest of your day,” the technician smiled at them once they got back to the main area.
“Thank you,”
“Yeah thanks, nice to meet you too,” Josh waved her off.

Tyler got a corner spot of the ward with an armchair and a crappy plastic chair for Josh, and there was a curtain that his husband immediately pulled all the way around to give them a little privacy. All his clothes were folded neatly on the side table, also Josh’s work, and a pitcher and glass of water were waiting for him.

“Did you see it on the screen when they did my head?” Tyler asked as he transferred into the red armchair and Josh tucked the wheelchair to the side for collection.
“They didn’t let me in the booth, I had to wait out in the hall,”
“Last time they let you watch I thought?”
“Yeah, but maybe because this is the initial diagnostic one they’re being more sensitive. I don’t think I watched the other diagnostic ones either,”
“I hate that they know and we don’t.”
“Less than 2 days, we can do this, hey?” Josh held his hand, stroking with his thumb.

“Did you pace the whole time?”
“7,452 steps,” Josh checked his Fitbit with a shy smile.
“You’re gonna need new shoes if you keep this up,”
“I’m gonna need new legs,”
“I’ll have a word with my doctors, get you on the leg transplant list in anticipation,”

“You’re funny babe, I’m glad you’re able to make jokes, I, I know your defences are still up, but you seem okay. How do you feel?”
“Running on adrenaline,”
“Yeah? Did you switch off during the scan?”
“Not really, I felt super aware actually, like the buzzing felt way louder than normal and I could feel weird things and yeah, I dunno, I was excessively in tune with my surroundings as opposed to switched off,”
“Okay, interesting,”
“Feel like it’s coming soon though,”
“In the car when you’re out of here and you’re away from the perceived danger and you can begin to process all this, if you need to withdraw from the world then that’s okay. I’ll make sure we get home safe,”
“You will?”
“Of course,” Josh kissed his hand.

Tyler sighed, relaxing his head back against the padding of the chair.

“It, hm, it wasn’t as bad as I thought,”
“No?” His husband had a little smile on his face.
“It was still tricky, but I thought I’d start having a panic attack the moment I saw the parking lot, or the moment we walked in and I saw the floor, or I smelled the bleach, or I put on the gown. Maybe you’re right and I’ll freak out once I start processing everything, but I really thought they were going to need to sedate me and I’d be crying and battling and everything. I’m not happy, I’m also not as bad as I thought I’d be,”
“You have such bravery in you and I’m so proud of you,”
“Knowing you were close helped.”
“I’m always gonna be close, you can’t get rid of me,”
“Like a bad smell,”
“Yes, my dearest darling husband, I’m like a bad smell,” Josh laughed.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, alright poppet,”
“Mmhm,”
“I know, I’ve got you,” Josh held him up with strong arms. “Deep breaths, you’re okay, it was a little stumble, just a little stumble, you’re okay,”

The fact Tyler only fell down 3 stairs was a miracle. How Josh reacted so fast and so effectively to stop him slamming to the ground below was beyond his comprehension, all he could do was tremble in his embrace.

“I’m gonna pick you up and carry you to the bottom, is that okay?”
“Ugh,”
“Alright, easy does it,” he picked Tyler’s legs up like he was weightless and carried him, bridal style, down the rest of the stairs and through to their living room. They had an incredibly comfortable sofa, an important feature considering how many hours a day Tyler spent on it.

Josh laid him down, propping his head up on the arm how he liked, then grabbed a blanket from the basket to throw over him before crouching down on the floor close to his face.

“You’re so pretty,” Josh reached out and stroked his cheek, soft from the lotion he’d applied for him after bathing him. “Did I hurt you at all when I grabbed you?”
“Josh,”
“That’s me. Did it hurt when I stopped you falling?”
“Falling,”
“I stopped you from falling, yeah, that’s right love bug. I didn’t grip too tight though, did I? Do you need an ice pack for your arms to stop them bruising?”
“S’okay,”
“It’s okay? Okay, let me know if it feels bad in a few minutes, hey?”
“Hey,” Tyler nodded against the couch.

“You feeling a bit crappy?”
“I had a bath,”
“Exactly right, handsome, you had a bath, and I towel dried your hair, and we put on your moisturiser and pyjamas, and now we’re gonna have some dinner and watch some TV,”
“Bath,”
“You had your bath, sweetie. Do you remember?”
“Remember,”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,”

Josh pecked him on the nose.

“Are you in your dissociative bubble right now, mister?” He asked and the question went right over Tyler. “I just need to know this isn’t a brain thing, you know, like a strange seizure or something?”

The questions were slippy, there was nothing for Tyler to grip onto, he didn’t have a grasp on what Josh wanted from him.

“Tyyylerrr,”
“Mmm,”
“You feeling okay?”
“Uh huh,”
“Do you feel numb or tingly anywhere? Hands? Lips?”
“Nah,”
“How’s your vision? Can you see me?”
“Pretty,”
“Why thank you, handsome,” Josh grinned wide. “Should I call the doctor?”
“Huh?”
“Cos you’re being a little bit silly with your words, and you tripped on the stairs - I don’t want to scare you, I just know you’ve been thinking maybe there’s something going on with your brain, and I’d hate to ignore these symptoms if they’re something to be concerned about,”

He had a strange sing song tone to his voice. If it wasn’t so funny, it would be condescending.

“I’m gonna presume you’re okay, if you get worse, or you’re still a loopy boy in half an hour, I’m gonna call the doctor. For now I’m just guessing this is you reeling from this morning, hey? So I’ll stay down here, stay right next to you, and if you need anything then tell me, okay? I love you,”
“L’you,”
“L’you too, Ty,” Josh kissed him on the forehead, then settled down onto the carpet next to him.

“Movie,”
“We can put on a movie, absolutely we can, great idea angel, good job. Should we put on something easy and gentle to follow? Something we’ve seen before?”
“Mm,”
“Let’s have a look, hey?” He grabbed the remote off the coffee table with immense speed and accuracy, and loaded Netflix in the blink of an eye, scrolling through their options. “Happy Gilmore? We’re the Millers? Dumb and Dumber?”
“Mm,”
“Dumb and dumber?”
“Yeey,”
“You got it, babe,” Josh clicked a button and the Netflix intro sound played out.

“Josh?”
“Yes darling?”
“Mm,” he couldn’t find the words, so gestured instead.
“As if you even need to ask, of course I want to hug you, yes please,” his husband caught on straight away, standing up and carefully helping Tyler make space by essentially lifting him aside, then slotting into the gap on the couch and laying him back down again, cuddled up against his chest.

Josh kissed his head but he couldn’t feel it.

“It’s been ages since we’ve watched this movie,”

Josh had an arm wrapped around him, but Tyler couldn’t feel the weight or warmth of it.

“I blame Harry Dunne in this for why so many people spell my half of our surname wrong. That’s totally fair, right?”

Tyler couldn’t hear the screen, he could barely even hear Josh he was so muffled, drowned out by a horrible high pitch tone.

“Sweetie? Sweetie look at me for a moment.” His husband requested and, without realising, he must have twisted to look him in the eyes, because Josh relaxed. “There’s my man. Just making sure you’re okay, if this is you saying you need to switch off now, that’s alright. Dissociate to your heart’s content, I’ll be here, holding you, loving you, protecting you. And when you feel safer, I’ll be waiting for you to zone back in and hang out with me. For now, go where you need to go in that mind of yours, knowing I love you and I’ve got you, always.”

“How about her? Amanda Washington, qualified counsellor with a special interest in PTSD and trauma in adult males,”
“Counsellors are the chiller ones though, the, uh, the listeners really, I think I need someone to really rifle through my mind and knock some things loose,”
“Okay, what about this guy, Sandeep? He’s accredited by a bunch of organisations so he might be more hardcore?”
“Lemme see,” Tyler took the iPad off him to read the profile posted on the directory of therapists in their local area.

Josh had a pad of paper on his other knee, covered in scrawled notes from their search.

Tyler had seen a therapist before, a lovely lady recommended by one of Josh’s friends, but their appointments mostly consisted of her establishing a safe space for him to rant and moan about his week for 55 minutes, then she’d do a nice little roundup and give him a few pointers on positive mindset and he’d be off. It was nice, he enjoyed it, however he was in agreement with Josh that they’d reached a point where he needed more.

“Maybe I need to find a dissociation specialist? Someone with experience?”
“Would you prioritise that over someone with experience in dealing with longer term health issues?”
“I think so? I have basically no memory of yesterday, at all, not the episode in the afternoon, not the scan, just a vague recollection of you putting me to bed, which is more concerning to me than them knowing about cancer,”
“Agreed. Especially if we’re going to see an increase in how often you’re confronted with medical triggers once you start chemo, we don’t want you blacking out and forgetting months of your life,”

Josh seemed convinced Tyler would be having treatment. He didn’t want to mention that it was still up in the air.

“It might be worth looking up if there’s a specific treatment for dissociation, beyond typical talking therapies?” Tyler handed the iPad back, knowing his husband thrived in situations he felt he could make a real difference to. He liked providing solutions.
“This site is usually pretty good,” he mumbled under his breath whilst scrolling to a search result.

“Could always be a brain tumour thing,” Tyler thought out loud.
“About that.” Josh abandoned the tablet to focus on him. “I know you said you’re feeling pressure behind your eyes, are you having any other symptoms? What makes you think it’s in your brain? What pushed you to call that hotline, and what did they say?”
“Uh, yeah, pressure behind my eyes, headaches, sometimes they’re really sharp and they’re worse in the mornings, fatigue and drowsiness, memory problems - like yesterday, I just have bits missing sometimes, um, my vision goes funny, my hearing goes funny, I’m sleeping all the time, sometimes I lose my balance. Lots of things. Gut instinct too.”
“And they thought that sounded like a tumour?”
“They couldn’t say exactly, they said given my history I should go get it checked out, and if I have any seizures or weakness or blindness then to go to the ER, and yeah, we’ll see I guess,”

“Not to downplay your concerns, I get why it’s something you’re worried about, but hopefully that could all be down to stress and these dissociative episodes, hey? It’s not like a tumour is the only answer, it could be something way less-”
“I know you don’t want to contemplate it, it’s okay,” Tyler could sense Josh’s urgency to sweep it under the carpet.
“It’s not that, it’s optimism,”
“How can you still be optimistic after everything?”
“If anything these past few years have made me more optimistic than ever. You’ve shown me you’re a miracle, over and over and over again, and being married to a miracle fills me with hope and excitement for the future.”

“You say these things, these pretty things, but I know you cry all the time Josh, you cry and panic and-”
“I’m human. I love you and you’re sick and sometimes that makes me upset - I can still be hopeful about our future.”
“You’re forgetting you already told me how you check my pulse in my sleep because you think I’m dead and when you talk to me sometimes you picture them shoving the breathing tube in me all over again. You told me what this has done to you, how tormented you are, you don’t get to now pretend this has been a beautiful learning experience you’ve grown through,”
“Why can’t it be a bit of both? Pain and progress?”
“Don’t romanticise trauma, it, it didn’t bring us together, it didn’t help us grow, it’s broken us in ways we can’t even begin to comprehend yet, and it’s not even over.”

Josh hesitated before stroking Tyler’s leg with a heavy sigh.

“Tryna find silver linings, avoid being consumed by the storm clouds, that’s all.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to burst your bubble.” He felt bad, resting his head on Josh’s shoulder. “You were so honest with me the other day, after the massage. I felt like we were on the same page, like, like somebody on this spinning rock understood what I’m experiencing, and I don’t want to lose that honesty and that connection because you think you have to motivate me with frilly inspirational lines. You inspire me by being open and vulnerable and honest. You don’t always have to be digging me out of the hole, sometimes you can just sit in it with me.”

“I’m scared.” Josh confessed.
“Of the appointment tomorrow?”
“Of losing you.”
“No matter what happens, we’ve got time.”
“Yesterday, we had time but you weren’t with me, you know? For hours I had you in my arms but you were somewhere else, and I was freaking out the whole time, Ty. I know I should be grateful for every second with you, no matter what state you’re in, and I’m scared I won’t be able to make the most of whatever time we have because I’ll be too alarmed or worried or anxious or whatever. I can’t be happy whilst you’re so traumatised you can’t even be present in your own body. I’m sorry, I know you can’t control it and I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, it’s just, yeah, it’s shit.”

Tyler found his hand and cupped it in his.

“I’ve not had one that bad before. I’m scared too.”
“We’ll talk to Dr Lacey tomorrow, if it’s a brain tumour thing then maybe there’s some medication you can take, I, I know it’s your choice and you haven’t made it yet but maybe we can get you some aggressive treatment for it. If she says there’s no cause in terms of tumours then we’ll get you into proper therapy. We’re not stuck in this hole, there are things we can try,”
“It’s a lot of pressure on me succeeding in therapy. My two routes right now are cancer treatment or enjoying what time I have naturally - for treatment to go ahead I need to do lots of work in therapy to stop me freaking out and withdrawing, for enjoying my life I need to do lots of work in therapy to stop me freaking out and withdrawing. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t work through it?”
“We’ll figure it out. We always do.” Josh sighed, resting his head against Tyler’s.

“I’m sorry I scared you yesterday, when I dissociated,”
“You don’t have to apologise,”
“I’m sorry this is happening to us again. I know it’s not my fault, I’m not accepting any responsibility or exposing myself to any guilt, I’m just sorry we’re in this position,”
“I’m sorry we’re in this position too.” Josh kissed his temple tenderly.

“Is there anything I can do? No matter how big or small,”
“I don’t know,” Tyler wished he could think of something.
“I could call your mom? Tell her for you?”
“Does she even need to know?”
“About the dissociation? Or about the cancer?”
“Either.”
“If you want to keep your mental health to yourself, I could get onboard with that. I think she deserves to know about the cancer,”
“She deserves nothing,”
“As the bigger person, taking the high road, acting with a maturity she doesn’t possess and a dignity she’s nowhere close to achieving, you should let her know. Whether that’s me making the call, us, you, whatever. She should know, she’s your mom,”
“I didn’t seem to matter to her when she ‘forgot’ to feed me for days on end.”
“She’s growing. You don’t have to forgive her, but-“
“Josh can we please not do this. It would be perfectly acceptable if I never spoke to her again after the shit she did to me as a freaking child, that’s not the case, I worked hard at trying to have a relationship, I went to family therapy twice a month for 10 months, she’s still not capable of loving me. We’ve got so much on our plate right now, does she really get a look in??”
“Okay.” Josh conceded.

His husband had a happy, healthily functioning, family filled to the brim with affection, he didn’t get why Tyler was so resistant to involving his own weak excuse for a family in his daily struggles. Tyler supposed he was pleased Josh didn’t know what it felt like to go without love.

“Can you feel when they’re coming? The episodes,”
“Not really. I knew something would happen yesterday because I felt suspiciously calm at the hospital,”
“Do you think there’s anything I could have done to fend it off? Do you even want me to try and prevent them or is that the only way you’re able to process things right now?”
“I don’t know, babe, I dunno. I’m, yeah, can we try looking for something or someone to help please?”
“Yeah, we were looking at treatment options, weren’t we?” He grabbed the iPad and let Tyler flop against him in exhaustion.

Chapter Text

“Stay with me. Not much longer. Stay with me.” Josh squeezed Tyler’s hand tightly.

The waiting room was empty except for a mother with no hair, cradling her baby close.

Tyler felt like he was floating above it, floating and yet sinking at the same time. The only part of him that felt solid was the hand Josh clung onto, desperately trying to stop him flying away and dissipating amongst the clouds.

“Tyler? Apologies for the wait, the doctor will see you now,”

The voice came from nowhere and everywhere at once, echoing and bouncing around him, dizzying and bewildering. He couldn't map out where it came from. He couldn’t map out where he was.

“I can get them to get a wheelchair if you can’t walk faster than this, darling,” Josh whispered in an ear, he couldn’t tell which ear. He didn’t even know he was walking.

“That’s it, left foot right foot, lean on me more if you need,”
“Dr Lacey’s office is only the second door, it’s not far,”
“Thank you, he’s okay I think, he can do it. Almost there Ty,”

The strip lights normally on the ceiling were also on the floor, and the walls, and inside his body, and everytime he blinked they would flash and streak and blind him.

“Do you want me to carry you?”
“I can get a porter with a wheelchair?” That other voice replied instantly, they were almost talking over the top of each other, losing Tyler with every sharp twist and turn.

“5 big steps, can you give me 5 big steps angel? Then you can sit in the office.”
“Should I ask the doctor to step out here and see him?”
“Please,”
“One moment,”
“Alright Ty, you’re alright, the receptionist is getting Dr Lacey. You can relax, you’re okay, I’ll get you home soon, just a quick chat and we can go,”

He could see Josh holding someone up, he just couldn’t see who that person was.

“Tyler? Josh?”
“He’s overwhelmed, um,”
“Panic attack?”
“Something like that, Ty honey, Dr Lacey’s here,”
“Come through, take a seat, let’s talk about all this and see what pressures I can relieve,”
“Can you take his other arm maybe? Help me guide him?”
“Oh, okay, sure. You don’t need to be too scared, Tyler.”
“He doesn’t? It’s good news? The scans were okay?”
“Let’s get you both seated.”
“Right. Give me a few big steps babe,”

Tyler didn’t know whether Josh’s instructions had been obeyed. Tyler didn’t even know if he was with Josh. Josh’s voice was the only thing familiar in a strange warping world.

“Careful, there you go poppet, there you go. Alright, good job, you made it,” Tyler didn’t know what he’d made. “This has been happening in small bouts for a while, 5 minutes here and there, but recently there’s been a real step up and he just blanks out on me.”
“Interesting,”
“We think it’s dissociation? Like a defence mechanism,”
“Dissociating, okay, for many people who have endured tumultuous lives that’s a natural response to intense stress and I think we can all agree this is a very stressful time,”
“Yeh. Um, sorry, very stressful? Does that mean his scans are gonna make us very stressed? Sorry, I know the dissociation is important and we’re getting him help for it, we inquired with a bunch of services yesterday, but the cancer, is, how, um, yeah, how bad is it? Is it in his brain like he says?”
“If we wait will he come around again?”
“After his scans on Monday he was out for hours. I think he’ll only relax once he feels safe, and here, waiting for his next diagnosis, is the worst place he could be.”
“You want to get this over with and take him home as soon as possible, I understand. Okay, let me just pull up the report to show you,”

Tyler could feel something again, a tight pressure on a limb he couldn’t distinguish. It felt nice. It felt like Josh, securing him to the surface of the earth.

“We’re looking at stage 2 type B Hodgkin’s Lymphoma,”
“2? That, that means it hasn’t spread from his lymph nodes, right? So it’s not in his brain?”
“Correct. It’s not in the brain.”
“You hear that baby?! You’re okay, this head of yours is okay,”

Tyler didn’t have a head. He didn’t have a body.

“You can video the screen if you want, so you can show him once you’re home, but yeah, as you can see his brain’s clear, every organ system is clear except these troublesome lymph nodes. His auxiliary and cervical regions are affected, so armpit and neck, and you can see here there’s a small cluster of tumours here, then a more considerable patch in his neck,”
“That one there, on the left, looks big,”
“It’s bigger than the rest but I wouldn’t consider it alarmingly big. All of these seem treatable,”
“And treatment would be chemo?”
“Yes, I need to discuss with my colleague about the exact schedule, however I’m imagining we’re looking at 3 to 6 months of chemotherapy, depending on how these tumors respond.”

“If he doesn’t consent? If he says no to chemo? How long does he have?”
“Oh I wouldn’t be considering palliative care, this stage and severity of cancer is very survivable,”
“He wants to know his options. I agree with you, completely, he’s my husband and I need him with me forever, but he wants to know and it’s my duty to get him that information,”
“It’s hard to say. There aren’t many cases of people going without treatment at this stage because the success rate is so high, and I’m not sure how fast it’s growing or where it might spread to. I couldn’t say,”
“Please? I won’t hold you to it, just so I have a rough scale, please, are we saying months? Years? Weeks?”
“Maybe a couple of years, my estimate would be 3 but I’ll consult the literature and get back to you with a better response. It won’t be a graceful decline, that’s for sure, they’ll grow and interfere with his ability to live a normal life, potentially interrupting his breathing and swallowing and blood supply to the brain. My strong recommendation, incredibly strong, is to treat it now.”
“If he needed a while in therapy, could that be too long to wait?”
“If we’re saying a month, I’ll agree to that. Any longer and I’d want a repeat scan to see how fast they’re growing.”
“Not even 6 weeks?”
“At a push. I’d want to start chemo on week 7 day 1.”
“Right.”

“Obviously it’s his choice and if you need to take 6 months, okay, completely within your rights, but the whole time he’ll have cancers growing inside him and we could be having a very different conversation when you come back.”
“I understand. I wish you could hook him up now.”
“Why’s he hesitating, do you know?”
“He’s scared. Look at him, he’s more than scared, he’s petrified and traumatised to the extent of needing to black out when exposed to anything medical. How am I supposed to bring him in and do this to him over and over and over again through every cycle? If he wants to feel safe, as much as I want him alive, I have to respect his need for safety.”

“Josh?”

Tyler woke up alone. Alone and tired. The curtain in their bedroom was pulled closed but light was seeping through, and after a few exhausted blinks, he saw the glow of his phone propped up on the bedside table.

Clumsily he reached out for it to see he’d been on a FaceTime call for almost 3 hours, his volume on low but the camera showing Josh and his parents in the middle of a conversation downstairs. Josh had been watching him sleep. He picked it up and held the microphone to his mouth.

“Josh?”
“Ty? Hey sweetie, I’m just downstairs, give me 10 seconds, okay?”
“Yeh,”
“Coming,”

He could hear footsteps racing up the stairs.

“Hey sweetpea, how you doing?”
“Mmm,”
“That good hey?” Josh kneeled on the mattress and brushed Tyler’s hair off his face. He couldn’t help swatting him away. Hair was a painful wound he preferred not to be prodded. “Sorry. We got back from the appointment about 4 hours ago and you were out of it so we cuddled in bed for a while and then you drifted off. My parents are here, they don’t need any attention though and if you want them to leave, all it takes is a text.”
“S’okay,”
“You can change your mind whenever you need,”

Tyler felt like there was a lot that needed to be said, he just didn’t know what.

“Do you remember anything from the doctors?”
“No. I, uh, I remember getting dressed this morning, you helped with my socks, and my buttons, maybe a little bit of the drive but that’s where the blur starts,”
“Do you want to know? Or wait?”
“Good or bad?”
“Good.” Josh smiled.
“Brain?”
“Clear.”
“No,”
“Yeah, clear, she showed me and I’ve got videos if you need confirmation. I told her your brain symptoms and she said it could be down to stress,”
“Where is it?”
“Stage 2, so it’s just in your lymph nodes. It’s mostly in your neck, you know where you could feel it? And then a few little bits under your arm. She said it’s early and the tumours are favourable, and she’s keen for you to get treatment and we could be done as early as 3 months.”

He could see the excitement and relief in Josh’s eyes, like a puppy; he could also see him exercising restraint and holding that energy in.

“Did she mention anything about natural progression?”
“3 years, maybe, she’s gonna check. 3 years, but they won’t be pretty years, she said the tumours in your neck will press on your arteries and stop blood getting to your head easily, and they’ll press on your throat and stop you being able to swallow, or breathe. She was surprised I even asked because everyone goes for treatment at this point. Again, no pressure on you, I know you need to do this your way, but that’s what she said.”
“Okay. 3 years, okay.”
“Or 3 months of chemo.”
“Okay.”

“I’m happy. It’s really early, it hasn’t spread, she seemed optimistic, I’m really really happy. I know we’ve got some difficult conversations to have and lots of hard work ahead of us, I know, I’m painfully aware, but today was a good day.”
“I, I don’t remember,”
“I took videos and photos of all of the scans for you, and she gave me a letter and a pamphlet about the diagnosis, and we can always email and call her office if you have questions,”
“Did I, did I say anything to her?”
“No. You managed to walk from the car into the waiting room by yourself, but then when we were called through, you couldn’t seem to coordinate yourself too well so she helped you by holding your other arm, then once you were seated in her office, you were just staring blankly at the wall and your fingers were playing with the zip on your jacket. You didn’t say anything to her, and when we spoke to you, you didn’t respond. She ended up getting a porter with a wheelchair to take you back to the car at the end of the appointment and yeah, I carried you up here and put you to bed,”
“Thank you,”
“That’s okay, don’t thank me,” Josh laid next to him with a small sigh. “Love you,”
“Love you too,” Tyler rested a hand on his husband’s chest.

“Do you wanna talk about it now? Or avoid it at all costs?”
“Just a lot to think about.”
“For sure. I asked if we could take time to think about it before making a decision on chemo and she said we could take as long as we need, she recommended starting within 6 weeks, but if it’s longer then she’s more than happy to meet us at our pace.”

“They’ll grow if I wait,”
“Yeah. She actually initially recommended starting as soon as possible, she offered us an appointment tomorrow to get your access line fitted for the first chemo treatment on Monday but I said no. I think her preference is sooner rather than later, honestly that’s my preference too, but I’d rather it be late than never. If it takes a few months for you to feel able to consent to treatment, we can wait a few months. I won’t hold any resentment or frustration or annoyance or anything against you if the situation progresses whilst you’re getting help for the other side of all of this.”
“If I wait 6 months and then it’s in every organ and I try chemo but it’s too late and I die, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be angry?”
“I’d be upset, and frustrated at the situation, but never at you.”
“You can’t promise that, Josh. You can’t promise that for the decades you’ll live beyond me, you’ll never once have a thought wishing I tried a little bit harder.”

“I’m just, I’m, I’m trying to meet you where you are, rather than where I wish you were.” Josh’s tone dropped. “I’m trying to be understanding and to not leave you on your own in all of this. There’s a massive gap between what you feel you can cope with and what I need you to be able to cope with, and this is my attempt at being closer to your base.”
“Don’t lie to me. Be honest. Be brutally honest.”
“Fine. It would be a mistake not to start chemo as soon as possible. I negotiated 6 weeks for you, I know that’s not enough time to cure PTSD, but we don’t have enough time to cure it. I need you to start therapy, 2, maybe 3 times a week, and get to a place where doing chemo doesn’t make you need to crawl out of your skin, then we’re gonna go to those appointments, do what needs to be done, and once you’re clear we can spend the next couple of years properly fixing you.”
“That doesn’t sound fun.”
“No. You know what else doesn’t sound fun? Watching tumours squeeze your throat closed until you can’t breathe anymore and then spending the rest of my life without you.”

“Yep, that was pretty brutal.”
“As requested.” Josh smiled shyly before reaching over and wrapping his arm around Tyler, fingertips stroking his back. “I love you, so much, and I want to be a good enough man to love you and support you no matter what, but I’m also selfish and struggle to accept there’s a possibility of you choosing leaving me alone over an alternative, even if that alternative is dreadful.”
“I know. I get that. Just so you know, not wanting me to die doesn’t make you a bad man, or selfish, or, or anything along that line.”

Josh didn’t reply but Tyler supposed he couldn’t expect him to.

“I don’t want to die, but I don’t think I can do it again Josh.”
“We can take 6 weeks-“
“I don’t want to do it again.”
“Hopefully that therapist will email-“
“I don’t want treatment.”
“Speak to the therapist then maybe-“
“Please listen to me. I don’t want chemo.”
“Wait until I show you the scans, and you can read the letter, and speak to Dr Lacey, then maybe-“
“I don’t want to! No! I’m saying no!”
“Maybe we do it now, make the most of the dissociation, you, you black out, you don’t remember anything, and I get you to all the appointments and then when it’s over you can come back around and it will be gone and fine, and, and, and-“

Tyler couldn’t believe what was coming out of Josh’s mouth.

“Do you realise how threatened that makes me feel Josh? My only coping mechanism is now a means for you to do things to my body against my will.”
“No no no, no, no I’m trying to help you, shit, fuck, sorry Tyler, no, I didn’t, I didn’t,”
“Just, just don’t. Unless I tell you otherwise, don’t touch me, don’t move me, don’t, don’t do anything to me.”

Josh recalled both his hands and scuttled back on the bed to give him some space.

“It’s okay now, I’m, I’m just saying don’t in the future. Especially when I can’t consent. I really don’t have any control over my body and what happens to it, I haven’t my entire life, you know what happened when I was a kid, you know what they did to me, now things grow within me, things are done to me by strangers, horrible painful things, and this relationship is the only circumstance I have ever had any kind of autonomy or control over. Don’t take that away from me. Please.”
“No, of course not, sorry, no, I won’t,”
“I know you’re looking for solutions but forcing this on me when I’ve clearly said no is not the answer.”
“N-no, no I know, sorry, of course not. Sorry.”

“I’m tired.”
“I’ll go. Um, do you want any food brought up or anything?”
“No thanks,”
“I’ll just go.”

Tyler woke up in a jolt to a loud crashing sound.

“Josh, did you hear that? Josh,”

He reached across the mattress but the other side was empty. He sat up and turned the side lamp on, squinting, vision spinning from all the fast movements. The wall clock read 3.40am but Josh wasn’t in bed.

“Babe?” He called out a little louder. Nothing. Then another crash from downstairs.

Heart racing, fear in his chest, he threw the heavy covers back and forced himself out of bed, taking shaking step after shaking step, a hand on a wall at every moment to keep his balance. As he arrived at the top of the stairs, he knew it was too risky to attempt on foot, so he carefully lowered himself to sit on the top step and bumped down, one at a time.

He was half way down when he first caught onto the sounds of Josh crying. He was 3 steps from the bottom when there was another awful smashing sound.

“Josh??”

The kitchen was in a state. Josh was in a state. There were shards of ceramic and glass everywhere, the blinds were ripped from the window, one of the doors hung off the cabinets by a single screw, and half the food they owned was sprayed across the floor.

His husband’s face was twisted and tormented, tears and snot streaking his red face, and blood dripping from his right hand.

“Okay. Okay. Let me get some shoes on, okay, you’re okay, one second.”

Tyler’s vision narrowed as he rushed into the closet to pull on some boots that would protect his bare feet from the sharps Josh had created.

“Alright, I’m here, you’re alright, deep breaths, you’re alright,”
“S-s-s-sor-ry!”
“It’s okay, quick trip to Target tomorrow and we can pick up some new plates and glasses, couple of screws will see everything else put right, most of the tins are only dented so we can keep em, and that pack of quinoa has been in the cupboard untouched for months anyway. We’ll have it sorted in no time. It’s okay.”
“S-sorr-ry,”
“I forgive you. Can I see your hand? Is that okay?”

He was shaking but he managed to lift his hand for Tyler to see. There was so much blood it was hard to see where exactly it was coming from.

“Is the first aid kit still in here?”
“S-Sin-nk,”
“Under the sink? Okay, why don’t you go and sit at the table, can you manage that? And I’ll clean you up,”
“Y-y-yeah,” he hiccuped and hobbled over, bringing Tyler’s attention to the cuts on his feet for the first time.

With a sigh, he avoided the bigger pieces of glass and crunched on the smaller bits to retrieve the green medical supply kit. It had all the normal supplies, beefed up with leftovers and extras from Tyler’s times with a central line. He’d had a picc before his port, so had gauze and alcohol pads and dressings and grip-lok galore. He grabbed as much as he could.

“Alright poppet, alright, just focus on some deep breaths for now,” Tyler unzipped the bag and cleaned his hands with the half empty bottle of antibac then ripped open a sachet of gauze and used it to mop away as much of the blood as possible until he could see the slash on his palm refilling and knew where it was coming from. He took a new piece of gauze and pressed it over the wound, then stood up, holding it above Josh’s head and applying pressure with a firm grip.

“I c-c-can’t d-do th-thi-is Ty,” Josh relaxed his head against Tyler’s waist, hysterical. With his free hand, Tyler held him close.
“One day at a time, we’ll get through it somehow. Don’t think big picture, think one day at a time,”
“I ke-ep messing i-it up!” He got angry and tried to pull his injured hand back but Tyler held onto it tight, keeping it raised.
“Calm, calm, you’re okay. You haven’t messed anything up, you haven’t done anything wrong, you’re doing everything you can and I love you, hey? I love you so incredibly much,”
“S’not e-enough, I’m n-never enou-gh,”
“Josh,”
“I d-don’t w-anna d-do thi-is anym-more,”

Tyler very actively chose not to over interpret that statement.

“I was too harsh with you earlier, arguably a little dramatic when it came to the consent stuff, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or distressed or anything. I, uh, yeah, I was feeling stressed because it was clear to me that the logical thing to do is the chemo, and the morally right thing to do is the chemo, and it scared me. You can dismantle any argument I have, you’re able to find solutions that I’m not even trying to look for, and I felt like I didn’t have a leg to stand on. I felt backed into a corner - not by you, by the reality of the situation - and I said stuff I knew would make you stop so that I didn’t have to come up with any more reasons not to do chemo. That’s cowardly of me, and unfair, and I’m sorry.”

Josh was still hyperventilating, blubbering against Tyler’s pyjama shirt. He couldn’t tell whether he was listening or not.

“You’re not the enemy. You’re on my team, you’re on my side, you’re, you’re my world, Josh. I’m sorry I’ve drawn a line between us.”
“D-Don’t g-go!”
“I’m not going anywhere poppet, I’m here,”
“For 3 m-more y-ye-ears,”

That one left Tyler with nothing to say. He had no defence.

“I n-need you,”
“I, I, uh, I’m not gonna promise anything tonight Josh. I see you’re hurting, I see you’re desperate, I see you’re frustrated and angry and pissed off, all completely valid, I just can’t commit to anything I haven’t fully-“
“Please!” He begged. “P-p-pl-ease!”
“Not tonight.”
“Ty, pl-lease,”
“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”
“No!”
“I know what you want, I know how much I mean to you, I know how much losing me would destroy you-“
“No y-you don’t! If y-you d-did, you would-dn’t be d-doing this to me-ee! Ple-ea-ease! PLEASE!”

Tyler blinked away the swell of tears the scream provoked.

“Let me check if your hand has stemmed. Don’t move for a second,”

All Josh did was whimper, so Tyler carefully plied his fingers and the gauze off and immediately the blood started pulsing again.

“It’s deep, babe, it’s really deep.”
“My f-f-foot,”
“Lemme see,”

Josh hoisted his foot across his knee and Tyler resisted a gasp when he saw a fragment of glass sticking out of the ball below his big toe. It looked deep too.

“Okay. Um, don’t touch it. Can you hold this gauze over your hand and keep it high for me? I’m gonna grab my phone and call your brother, see if he’ll take you to urgent care-“
“No!”
“Josh I can’t do this. I can’t stitch wounds and remove glass and, and any of that, I can’t. You need to see a doctor,”
“You d-don’t g-get to te-tell me to h-have tr-treatment when y-you won’t e-“
“Alright, very smart, hilarious. Hold that tighter and I’ll call Jordan,”

Josh’s mom held Tyler for the rest of the night.

He’d called Jordan, who, in spite of it being 4am, arrived within 10 minutes. Once he assessed the situation, he agreed to take Josh to the hospital, but quickly clocked into the fact that Tyler couldn’t cope with coming with them and being exposed to the environment that he feared so viscerally. Rather than leave him alone in the blood soaked destroyed kitchen, Jordan called his parents and they were there within minutes as well. Tyler would never get used to their willingness to show up.

Bill got to sorting out the kitchen, helping himself to all the cleaning and DIY supplies the couple owned, whilst Laura escorted Tyler to the couch in the living room, gently wiping away the crusts of blood from his nails with a cloth, then holding his head against her chest for hours. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t relax. He couldn’t soften.

The sun rose at some point, he hadn’t noticed when. It was dark, then it was light. It didn’t change anything.

Bill eventually retired to the armchair in the living room with them, dozing off for a little while then coming back around with a gentle smile and a comfortable silence. Neither of them had tried to probe too much into the updates of his diagnosis or the incident or his thoughts, something he appreciated endlessly.

The doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” Bill leaped up before Tyler even had time to react.

“You good?” His mother in law whispered delicately.
“Yeh.”
“If you start feeling upset, Bill can help you get up the stairs so you have some space, and I’ll keep him down here.”
“It’s okay. Thank you, but it’s okay. He’s my husband, I love him,”
“And he loves you,”

“Hey! Welcome home son,” Bill answered the door warmly and Tyler’s heart raced in anticipation. “They sort you out good and proper?”
“He’s got enough pain killers to afford a shiny new car if only he knew the right person,” Jordan cracked a joke.
“Oh yeah? Between you and Ty you must be close to opening your own dispensary,” There was no response. “Do you need a hand?”
“I just wanna go to bed.” Josh mumbled but it was clear to Tyler’s listening ear.
“Come say hello to your mother and husband, then you can sleep.”
“Ty’s up?”
“Been up the whole time, waiting. He’s in there,”

There was some shuffling and bumbling, then the door opened.

Josh had his arm in an elevation sling, his other hand held a cane to take the weight off his bad foot, but both his feet were in clunky wound shoes, almost like air casts cut off at the ankle. He looked exhausted. He didn’t smile when they made eye contact.

“Oh baby, come sit, some sit with Momma,”

Tyler scooted over so to create a gap for him in between them. He walked slowly, clearly in pain, unsure how to utilise the cane, then collapsed onto the couch with a sigh.

“You have a fun midnight adventure with your brother?”
“So much fun.”
“Come here you silly so-and-so,” she wrapped her arms around him tightly. “We love you so much, and we worry about you, and we care about you, and we want what’s best for you, always. If there’s anything we can do, let us know, if not then we’ll still be here, loving and caring and worrying about you,”

“Ty,” Jordan gestured with his head for him to follow as he left the room. Tyler didn’t know whether to say goodbye to Josh, ultimately opting for a gentle stroke of his shoulder before leaving.

He led the way into the kitchen, which had had a miraculous makeover. The blinds must have been permanently broken because they were propped against the wall, but other than the strong smell of cleaning chemicals, it was impossible to know what had happened there. He was impressed.

“Um, we can talk about anything, just not the chemo,” Tyler set down a ground rule as they sat at the table together.
“Oh I wouldn’t dream of touching that wound, don’t worry, that’s your business and I’m not inserting myself into that situation,”
“Thank you,”
“Nah just thought you’d wanna know what happened at the hospital and what he’s supposed to be doing next?”
“Please,”
“The hand wound is pretty deep but it’s a clean cut so they stitched it up no problem. He’s gotta keep it dry and in the sling for 2 days, then change the dressing and carefully wash it with a little bit of water, nothing else, every day for a week then go back and get the stitches out.”
“In a week? Or 9 days?”
“I think they said 7 to 10 days, so yeah, whenever it looks ready, uh, as for his feet, he had the big bit of glass and then loads of other tiny bits in both. The bad foot needed stitches and that’s the same as his hand, keep it dry, he’s supposed to keep it elevated when he can, stitches out in a week. The little cuts didn’t need stitches but they’ve got dressings and he’s got to wear those wound shoes and use the cane to accommodate the swelling and reduce pressure for a while. Basically he needs to rest, keep things dry for 48 hours, then keep things clean until next week, then go back. I can take him back if it’s a no go zone for you.”
“Perfect, thank you so much,”

Jordan sighed.

“They were concerned, given he did it to himself.”
“It, it’s not like it was self harm, he didn’t sit there and, you know, hurt himself intentionally.”
“They called it a mental health episode, I don’t really know what that means exactly, but they called a psych person to speak to him to see if he’s a danger to himself, and they decided not, but they gave us a number to call if he’s upset again and they recommended therapy.”
“How did he take it?”
“Josh? He’s been quiet the whole time, barely spoke to me at all actually. He cried for a while which he said was because of the pain, I dunno.”

“My scans came back.” Tyler didn’t know why he was bringing it up.
“He mentioned that.”
“They’re good. My neck and my armpit, not, not too big, favourable to treatment.”
“All sounding good so far,”
“He was sure that would convince me to sign up, so, uh, hearing I still don’t want to, think it was a big shock, and, and a painful pill to swallow, and that’s why he freaked out.”
“He told me it started as a normal panic attack then he got really angry and smashed everything. Does he ever direct that anger at you?”
“Never.”
“Okay. Let me know if that changes. I don’t care how debatable your choices are, you don’t deserve aggression in response.”
“Thank you.”

Jordan looked away for a moment, then stared at him for a long minute.

“You really wanna let it kill you?”
“The alternative isn’t much better.”
“A long loving life with my brother isn’t much better than death?”
“It’s been a long night, can, can we not, please,”
“Okay.”

Tyler could tell he wasn’t satisfied.

“I love your brother more than anything, he has shown me a kindness and warmth and love and peace I had never known until he came into my life. He showed me stillness and stability whilst bringing excitement and joy and hope into my existence, he guided me out of a really awful place and taught me contentment and relief and pleasure and gave me a richness I couldn’t previously comprehend. My best days are the ones I spend with him. He’s generous and funny and amazing and handsome and amazing, and, and I love him. I love who I am when I’m with him. I love how he makes me feel. I love loving him. Being his husband is the best thing to have ever happened to me and I want to spend the rest of my life as his husband. None of that changes my inability to cope with fear.”

Jordan nodded.

“I wasn’t, I wasn’t raised with the same healthy relationships and spaces and mindsets you two were. I never learned how to manage my emotions healthily, so I’m not wired to be able to handle loads as heavy as this, and it’s too late to learn. I can’t retrofit my brain and undo the damage my family did, I wish I could, I really fucking wish I could, but I’ve tried lots of therapy for a long long time, and nothing changes. I’m getting worse, if anything. So yeah, maybe the path seems clear to you and Josh, with your healthy brains and healthy coping mechanisms, but this is more than fear for me, this is a complete mental cut off. I cannot endure what is needed of me, that’s not from a lack of trying, or a lack of want or will - I want to be with Josh, I want to make Josh happy, I want to get better, I just can’t tolerate the amount of stress that needs to be applied to me for the tumours to go away. I can’t do it.”

“I know you don’t like to talk about it, but with your parents, it was really bad?”
“Uh huh.”
“You don’t have to explain.”
“They were worse with me, my siblings still had it tough, but it was worse on me.”
“Because you’re gay?”

Tyler had to work hard not to slip off into memories typically contained within the tightly sealed compartment of his brain never to be touched.

“This isn’t where I wanted the conversation to go, um, uh,”
“Don’t worry, you can move on, it’s okay,”
“Yeh, um, I dunno, I kinda lost my point, but basically I don’t have the necessary mechanisms to cope with all of this.”
“Rather than trying to improve your ability to manage fear, is there anything that can be done to make treatment less fear-inducing? Tackle it from that end?”
“I tried looking into another clinic online, I, I hoped that a different environment might be easier, but at the end of the day it’s the same poison they’re gonna be putting into me, and my body is going to react the same way.”
“Are you scared of going to the hospital? Or the side effects?”
“Both I think. It’s everything.”

“You’ve managed some massive milestones already, you sought help, you’ve had multiple appointments, bloods, scans, diagnosis - so many scary things.”
“Did Josh tell you I’ve been blacking out?”
“My dad told me actually. Apparently after your appointment yesterday they were hoping to see you but J explained you were discotating?”
“Dissociating, yeh, um, I’m at the point where rather than trying and failing to manage stress, I now involuntarily completely withdraw. I’m losing whole days. What if treatment becomes one continuous trigger - an appointment sucks but it’s over in a few minutes, chemo goes on and on and on, even when I’m not having an infusion, I’m dealing with the effects - I might black out for months at a time.”
“Could that be dangerous? Like if you needed to puke but couldn’t move yourself, could you choke?”
“I don’t know, I, there are so many things I don’t know, and it makes me even more scared, and, and, yeah,”

“What’s the treatment for dissociating? Is there one?”
“Therapy. Worksheets. Deep breaths. The usual.”
“Are you gonna try them?”
“We emailed a bunch of therapists and services and stuff and they’re all emailing back now so I think I’ll pick the one with the best response, but, uh, my doctor wants me to start chemo in a few days and she said maximum 6 weeks before I’ll need new scans and potentially have new growths and worse outcomes. The kind of change I need to see in my mental health doesn’t come around in 6 weeks.”
“Surely it’s better you start chemo in a few months when you’re ready than never,”
“It could take years and I don’t have years.”

“There’s gotta be an answer,”
“You’re just like Josh in that sense,”
“Surely there’s a service out there for people in need of both cancer treatment and mental health support,”
“Clock’s ticking. Every day we wait, the tumours get bigger and my quality of life gets worse. I don’t want to waste these last good few months on calls and research and trialling things and holding onto a false hope. Josh and I could be doing fun stuff, making memories whilst I have the strength, you know?”
“I’m, I’m being honest here Ty, he’s not gonna let this go, he won’t let himself accept you’re dying. As long as you still have breath in your lungs, he’s going to be doing everything in his power to keep you here. There’s no montage of cute happy memories, because further down the line he’s going to see that as wasted time when he should have been trying to save you.”

“What am I supposed to do?”
“It’s tough,”
“No tell me, please, what am I supposed to do? Would packing a bag and running off so he doesn’t have to watch what happens next make this less painful?”
“No, no don’t do that.”
“What am I supposed to do? This is impossible and impassable and everyone seems to be under the impression that the answer is me eventually changing my mind. I’m telling you that isn’t going to happen. Now what?”
“I don’t know Tyler, I don’t know.”
“You know I love you Jordan, you’ve been amazing through all of this, but respectfully after this you get to go home and sleep and not worry, you get to choose not to make the choices I have no option but to make. Everyone else can walk away from this, I have to decide my path every step of the way, and I have to witness what my decisions do to the people I love. I’m gonna have to clean Josh’s wounds, knowing I caused them.”

Jordan hesitated, then reached a hand out across the table. It was unnatural and he was clearly uncomfortable, but Tyler held it.

“You’re not in this on your own. We all want you to get treated and get better because we care about you and want as long as possible with you. If you’re saying treatment isn’t what’s happening next, that doesn’t mean we somehow no longer care about you. We’ll be with you, every step of the way, till the end, okay?”
“The end?”
“The very end.” Jordan squeezed tightly.

Chapter Text

“I feel so confused, I’ve got no idea whether I should be making cereal or steak right now.” Josh chuckled as he limped into the kitchen after waking up at 6pm.
“How bout nothing, huh mister? You’re supposed to be resting, I’ll cook.”
“Pretty sure you’re supposed to be resting too.”
“Sit your butt down, I can handle chucking some curly fries in the oven,”
“Oooh, great shout,”
“You want a grilled cheese while we’re waiting?”
“Can you manage that?”
“Heck yeah. I’ll sit whilst I assemble it and between flips,”
“That would be amazing, Tyler, yes please,” Josh seemed relaxed with a broad smile.

Josh had been carried up to their bed by his dad, then his parents left and only Jordan remained. He helped Tyler upstairs and then, rather than leaving, crashed on their couch for most of the day so he could be there when they both woke up to help them back down again. He left shortly after, respecting the room they needed to talk.

“Do you think we should set up a bedroom on the ground floor again?”

They’d done it before, after the sepsis when he needed a wheelchair for a while.

“Because of me and my feet? Or for you?”
“For both of us.”
“Maybe that would be a good idea. Should I get some people round later? Because I don’t think either of us are going to be any use when it comes to moving furniture in our current states,”
“You say later but it’s already half 6 in the evening babe,” Tyler reminded him whilst pouring most of a bag of curly fries onto a sheet pan.
“I keep forgetting!”
“I’m sure between us we could move the coffee table and unfold the sofa bed. Tomorrow we can try getting some help to make it a proper liveable bedroom space, but the pull out plus some blankets and linens from the cupboard should be enough for tonight, right?”
“Definitely. You’re forgetting we lived on a sofa bed for 6 months when we were first dating,”
“Oh I remember alright, my back still aches to this day. Still can’t believe we paid an equal share of the rent when everyone else got bedrooms and we had to fold our bed away and shove all our belongings into a storage box every day!”
“Outright homophobic.” Josh chuckled. Money was tight back then so 6 housemates in a 4 bed had been the best they could do; they were just happy to be living together.

“Do you remember that one spring that used to creak soooo loudly that we had to make sure we were only on the left side when we had sex?”
“I just can’t believe we thought we were getting away with it the whole time. Obviously the whole house knew, obviously - 6 months and we never got walked in on once, surely that’s too good to be true, surely everyone knew not to come down because they could hear us,”
“If they knew then why did they all happily sit on the couch during the day??”
“It’s not like we were on the actual couch cushions-“
“Uuhhhhhhhhh,”
“Okay, maybe a few times,” Josh admitted with a hearty laugh and Tyler sat down at the table with bread, cheese, butter, and a knife, plus a pan to put it all in.

“How much cheese do you want? Super thick slices?”
“Oh it’s okay, do yours first,”
“I’m alright, I feel kinda sick so not sure dairy is the right idea.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah, as long as I get most of the super curly pigtail fries.” Tyler grinned cheekily.
“Deal.”
“Super thick?”
“You know me.” Josh winked, making him laugh.

“Where are your painkillers? You’re meant to have them on a full stomach, no?”
“Oh don’t worry about that,”
“Did you already take them?” Tyler buttered the second piece of bread.
“Nah but it doesn’t hurt,”
“You’re not just saying that, are you?”
“I’m a big brave boy,”
“Lemme go get them,”
“Tyler, don’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re already doing too much for me,”
“I’m making you a sandwich,” he frowned. “I’m not that sick yet, I can get you your pills,”
“Just take it easy, yeah?”
“I am taking it easy, I slept all day, I’m making you a sandwich, I’m hardly going wild.”
“You were also up all night.”
“Because my husband was in the emergency room after a mental breakdown. I’ve got cancer but I’m not incapable of loving my partner.”

There was an awkward silence.

“I know you love me, I just don’t want you to get trapped in a cycle of boom and bust with your energy again, if you push too hard today, you’ll have nothing left in the tank tomorrow.”
“I’m not that sick.”
“You are, babe,”
“I’m not.”
“Okay, my pain meds are on the side table next to our bed, run upstairs and back down again without needing to sit down on the steps to stop yourself collapsing, go on. You can’t.”
“Don’t be a dick.”
“I’m, fuck, sorry, I was tryna prove my point. I’m sorry Tyler.” He raised the hand not tied to his chest by a sling up in innocence.

“If you want your painkillers, I can get them. I might need a few breaks, I might need to come down on my butt, but I can get them. I can do things.”
“You can make a mean grilled cheese,”
“I’m serious Josh! You’re rushing me into the grave! I’m capable of so much more than you give me credit for!”
“No, you’re right, you definitely are.”
“You’re just saying that so I don’t get upset, you don’t believe it!”
“Babe, you were amazing last night, you came downstairs by yourself, you didn’t flap at all, you put your own shoes on, you grabbed the medical kit, you were straight on me, calming me down, reassuring me, you stood up for ages holding my hand high, you called Jordan, you stayed calm. That was a very triggering situation for you, on so many levels, and you stayed calm. You were perfect, and I’m sorry I haven’t said thank you until now. Thank you.”
“You’re infantilising me, clapping me for putting on shoes, when-“
“Ty, honey, I love you, I can hear your frustration, I’m sorry. Make sure you’re not doing the thing, yeah?”
“I’m not doing a thing!”
“Remember what the couples therapist told us last time we went? About how sometimes you can polarise on me really-“
“Seriously? Seriously? You’re gonna mock the fact I can’t climb the stairs because I have literal fucking cancer and almost died not too long ago, then act like I’m the problem for being offended by that? Fuck you,”
“Ty-“
“Fuck you, fuck this, fuck you.” He pushed the frying pan and assembled grilled cheese on the floor then walked out.

“Wanna talk about it?” Josh popped his head round the living room door after half an hour.

Tyler had shoved the coffee table over to the other end of the room, pulled the sofa out into a bed, grabbed sheets and pillows and blankets from the closet, made the whole bed up, then crumpled to the ground, trapped staring at the wall.

“You were right. I did exactly what you said. Emptied the tank. Don’t have any fumes left to run on.” He mumbled against the carpet.
“The bed looks amazing, thank you for doing that. I’ve currently got no working feet and 1 working hand, but do you want me to try and lift you onto it?”
“Lay down here with me?”
“We’re gonna be stuck till someone comes to rescue us,” Josh abandoned his hospital issued cane and lowered himself down to the ground with him.

“I’m sorry. I was nasty, there’s no excuse, and I hope you can forgive me.”
“I do. I’m sorry I overreacted, and swore, and threw your food,”
“I can hardly get mad at you for throwing stuff around the kitchen, did we forget what I did last night already? Of course I forgive you.”

“Do you wanna talk about last night at all?” Tyler whispered, no strength to project any louder.
“I was reeling from the appointment, conflicted between what I wanted and how I saw things turning out, scared, really scared. I went downstairs to get some water because I could tell I was having an anxiety panicky thing, wound myself up, threw the glass at the wall, before I even realised what I’d done, I’d smashed everything.”
“Do you still feel angry now?”
“Feel silly.”
“There’s nothing silly about how you react and respond to your husband’s cancer diagnosis.”

“In the hospital they made a psychiatric nurse talk to me and she was asking all these things, uh, do I want to hurt myself, do I ever think about wanting to die, do I have a plan for ending my life,”
“Mm,”
“I hesitated on all of them.”
“Oh Josh,”
“I’m not, I’m not saying it to be emotionally manipulative or to guilt you or-“
“You’re my husband, I want to know these things,” Tyler wished he was well enough to reach over and stroke Josh’s face, or hold his hand, but he couldn’t.

Josh pursed his lips and avoided eye contact for a moment.

“Think it’s starting to sink in now, properly.”
“Yeah,” Tyler didn’t know what to do except listen.
“There’s nothing I can do, is there?”
“I, I don’t think so.”
“Okay, so 3 more years. It would be an honour if you’d let me spend that time with you.”
“There’s nobody I’d rather have with me, yes please.”

In a single blink, Josh’s eyes filled with tears, then in a second the first one fell, rolling across his face to the carpet.

“What happens to me when you’re gone?”
“You’ll figure something out, you always do. You’re young, you can go back to work, maybe you’ll meet someone el-“
“No, never. You’re the one, Ty, the only one.”
“Don’t limit yourself like that, you’ve got decades to live and explore, so know you've always got my blessing going forward, even before I’m gone if that’s the way it works out. I want you to have love in your life again.”
“No. You’re the only one.” Josh’s hand was trembling as he cupped Tyler’s face. “You’re the only one. I can’t do this without you.”

“You’re not, you’re, you wouldn’t, you’re not thinking seriously about doing anything stupid, are you?”
“I can’t stop thinking about it.” Josh let the tears flow freely.
“You’re not gonna follow through though, right? Promise me?”
“What will it matter? You’ll be gone,”
“Josh,”
“What have I got to live for if I don’t have you? You don’t have to stay, I’m, I’m letting you go, but you can’t ask me not to go too. That’s equal, that’s fair.”
“I can ask you, I can beg you, please. Please Josh. You-“
“I don’t wanna talk about this,” Josh sniffed, mopping his snotty nose with his sleeve.

“Are you safe right now? Is there any part of you that wants to skip the next 3 years with me and end it today?”
“There’s a part of me that’s scared, and yeh, that’s a way to not be so scared,”
“How persuasive is that part?”
“It’s, um, it’s background noise right now, uh, not, not, I want every minute I can possibly get with you and not a moment more.”
“So you’re not a danger to yourself in the next 3 years?”
“No.”
“And you’ll tell me if that changes?”
“Yeh, if I think you can handle it.”
“I don’t care whether you think I can handle it, you tell me, okay? You tell me.”
“When the tumours are choking you, you want me to chime in-“
“Yes, yes I do, Josh. Promise me?”
“I, I-“
“Promise me.”
“Promise.”

“I love you so much. It hurts to see you hurting,” Tyler whispered honestly.
“I’ve felt the same way about you for years.” He whispered back. “I’m so tired,”
“What can I do?”
“There’s nothing,”

“Should we do the watching the sunrise thing in the morning? Since our sleep schedules are already fucked?”
“You succeeded in turning me nocturnal,” Josh forced a chuckle through the tears. “Can we get married again? Properly? With a wedding that doesn’t involve you in the ICU, bald, purple, 90lbs, and minutes from death.”
“Let’s do something massive. I’ll, I’ll start doing my physio exercises again, build up my stamina and my strength, then we can have a massive party that goes all night with everyone we love,”
“I want something elegant during the day, with a string quartet, then chaos once the formalities are over,”
“Agreed. We’ll make it one for the books, hey?”
“Yeah,” Josh’s fingers were shaking as he stroked Tyler’s face.

“We’ll make it better than it currently is, somehow.” Tyler vowed.
“The curly fries are done if that would help the situation?”
“Oh it definitely would.”
“I’ll go grab them. If you can’t sit up yet, that’s okay, we’ll eat them down here,”
“Will you feed them to me like a Roman emperor?”
“Absolutely I will, darling, anything and everything for you,”

“I’m getting chilly, are you nearly ready to go in?”
“Can I have a couple of minutes out here by myself?”
“You okay?” Josh’s thumb stroked back and forth steadily, like a metronome.
“Yeah yeah, just trying to be more present and mindful and whatever. Not long, maybe just 10 minutes?”
“Course darling, you don’t need to ask for my permission. I’ll come check in 10 and if you want longer then I’ll come back again later,”
“Thank you,”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.” Tyler kissed him, then helped him stand on his painful feet with a supportive hand on his lower back.

“Shout if you need anything, yeah?”
“Will do, go warm up,”
“See ya,”

They’d watched the sunrise together from the bench the previous owners had left out by the back door. It wasn’t an especially beautiful sunrise, it was way colder than they’d been expecting so they were buried under every blanket they could find downstairs, and their heads were heavy from recent conversations, but Tyler valued the time with his husband endlessly.

Once he heard the door click shut, he pulled out his phone, sighed, then pressed the dreaded contact.

She answered after 3 rings.

“Hello?”
“Hey Mom.”
“Who is this??”
“It’s Tyler,”
“What do you want?”

Tyler took a deep breath.

“Come on, get it over with already, I’ve got better shit to be doing than talking to a fa-“
“The cancer’s back.”
“Aha! I told you! Didn’t I?! God always gets His way! Fight it with all the chemicals in the world, nothing’s more powerful than His will! I always said He’ll kill you with it one day or another! I was right I was right!” She cried out in delight.

“It’s not too bad, we caught it early, and, uh, and yeah, they said it’s favourable to treatment.”
“It won’t work, fight with all your might, He is mightier.”
“It’s gonna work, the doctor said it might only take 3 months.”
“God will bring it back.”
“And I’ll fight it off again, and again, and again. Josh said it the other day, I didn’t come this far to only come this far.”
“It’s gonna be painful, like you deserve,”
“Thanks Mom.”
“And if you think that’s painful, wait till you reach the inferno of Hellfire-“
“Yeah that’s all I wanted to say really. The cancer’s back, I’m gonna treat it, I’ll let you know when I’ve got no evidence of disease again.”
“Don’t bother calling,”
“Speak soon Mom, bye,”

As soon as he put the phone down, he saw Josh, standing there, weight on his cane, staring. He said nothing.

“I thought you went inside babe?”
“I heard your voice, thought you were calling me back.”
“I, uh, I made a phone call.”
“To your mom?”
“Yeh,”

It was eerily quiet except for the birds, tweeting away.

“You don’t have to lie to me Ty, you can call her whenever you want.”
“No no I know, I, yeh, sorry, I didn’t mean to be deceptive, I just didn’t want it to become a big thing, I didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about it or talking about it, I just wanted it over and done with, and now it is.”
“You don’t have to lie to her either.”
“What do you mean?”
“About getting treatment. That’s a lie, right? Because if you’re up for treatment, I, I probably ought to know that before her, darling.”

It went painfully quiet again.

“Wait Tyler, are you being serious? You’re gonna try?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ty,” Josh rushed to sit next to him again.
“See this is why I didn’t say anything, that look on your face right now, that glimmer of hope - I can’t destroy that again Josh! I’d rather say nothing than lead you down a path I haven’t committed to yet!”
“No no no come on, talk to me, please, talk to me, talk to me - rip it all away tomorrow if you have to, I don’t care, I just need to know what you’re thinking, baby.”
“Please just go inside, Josh.”
“Why?”
“Because I already hurt you with everything I do and everything I am, the last thing I want to do is prolong and intensify your suffering!”

Josh took a deep breath, clearly trying to tone down his excitement, then held Tyler’s hand.

“We’re in this together. I’m riding the rollercoaster, you’re not kicking me off, not now, not ever.”
“I can’t do this to you,”
“Please.”

Tyler knew he was in too deep. Josh’s hopes were already high. Maybe being open now wouldn’t worsen the situation too much.

“I just,”
“Yeh,”
“She did this. She, she gave me this dysfunctional response to stress. She’s taken so much from me, Josh, she’s denied me so much and ruined so much, she made my life unliveable for so long. She doesn’t get to be the reason I can’t accept treatment. The damage she’s done to my mental health does not get to be the reason I die, you know? She doesn’t get to hold any power over me anymore. She doesn’t get to win.”

Josh said nothing, just kissed Tyler’s temple firmly, his arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“A part of me wants to do it, not because of her, but in spite of her, you know?”
“Mmm,” he was clearly holding back celebrating too soon.
“She’s worked so hard to destroy me, and I somehow survived it all. I want that to be true about this too. I don’t wanna give her the satisfaction.”
“Whatever the motivation is, wherever the strength comes from, it’s a positive, yeah? Even if it’s spite powering you through, that’s good enough for me,”

Tyler sank against his husband, trying not to shake too violently as the adrenaline faded from the call.

“What if that’s not enough?”
“Not enough to get you through?” Josh checked.
“Everything is pushing me towards treatment. Her. All the medical evidence. My own will to survive. Your whole family. You. I’ve made you suicidal in my resistance, and I could resolve that by doing the treatment - surely that should be more than enough to push me forwards, so why do my heels keep digging in?”

Josh nuzzled against him for a moment of contemplation.

“You were really really sick, and I don’t think you’ve done the work to fully process that. I know I haven’t. We make our little jokes, our little comments, the silly little tip of the hat every now and then, but we’ve never actually stared reality in the face and taken it in that not only did you almost die, but you’ve not been well since. All through rehabilitation, inpatient and outpatient, we were tackling your inability to walk, or hold your head up, or use your hands - whatever your objective was that week, never did we approach your state of mind. They never checked if you were coping with what had happened to you, so I think it’s probably still buried in there, somewhere. Yes the chemo is fucking awful, but you didn’t get this scared to do it after your first relapse even though you knew how awful it was. I think it’s the sepsis and the ICU and the rehab, and all the unresolved anxiety surrounding that,”

“I don’t think it’s that.” Tyler mumbled.
“No?”
“I think it’s me. There’s something wrong with me.”
“Ty, you h-“
“My husband is going to kill himself if I don’t do this, and I’m still hesitating. I’m a fucki-“
“No, no you’re not. You’re a miracle, a freaking miracle, who maybe has some maladaptive coping mechanisms but is still a phenomenal success story. You came from that,” he looked to the phone. “And you’ve made it all the way to here. You’re beyond belief and I won’t have you saying a single bad word about yourself.”

“She said God always gets His way in the end, and it will keep coming back,”
“Do you believe her?”
“History would suggest she’s onto something. 3 times is a lot of times to have cancer.”
“She also said God told her to lock you in that c-“
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Sorry, sorry, we don’t have to talk about it. I’m just saying, that voice she hears that she thinks is God seems to have a suspicious obsession with hurting you,”

“What if it is God? It’s God and He hates me,”
“Without wanting to quite literally imply I’m God’s gift, you have been blessed with a lot of love, later in life, with people who care so deeply-“
“I know, I know, I’m very blessed, I do know that, she just, I don’t know, she’s, she’s, gah,”
“A bitch.”
“Pretty much.” Tyler cuddled up closer to Josh, burying himself in his shoulder, careful not to touch the wounded hand strapped to his chest, still finding immense comfort in the embrace.

“I’m proud of you for calling her. I know that’s scary for you.”
“I wish I hadn’t.”
“Because of how you’re feeling now?”
“Because she’s a bitch and I don’t want her in my life anymore. If I never call her again, she’ll think she was right and the cancer took me, but if I want to tell her she was wrong and I lived, that will involve another phone call and another extension of our relationship.”
“Some may say you’re extending the relationship by continuing to give any weight to what she thinks - if you care what she thinks, that maintains a connection between you. If you’re done and you want to sever her hold over you forever, you need to find a way to not give a fuck whether she thinks God killed you or not.”

“I thought you were Sergeant Second Chance?”
“New day new me, now I’m Lieutnenant Leave Her Ass In The Dust.” Josh chuckled briefly, then toned it back down. “I, uh, yeah, I know I project too much, and I’m sorry I put that on you. I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day when I offered to call her for you, how it would be perfectly acceptable to never speak to her again after what she’s done to you, and, and I’m finally beginning to understand you’re right. I’ve got a happy family and I want everyone to have a happy family, and I’m learning sometimes a happy family doesn’t need to be who raised you, or who you’re related to, it can be what’s good for you. She’s not good for you, Ty, so your family shouldn’t include her, it can be me, and my relatives, and our friends, okay? We’re all the family you need,”

“My delusional dream is someday she’ll feel guilty enough to apologise,”
“Do you think she even realises it hurts you?”
“I think she knew the belt hurt, that’s why she’d opt for it so often.”

Even years into their relationship with all his past on the table and discussed in immense detail, Tyler could tell when he’d challenged Josh too much. His husband hadn’t discovered that side of the world until they’d met, and it understandably continued to make him uncomfortable.

“Sorry.”
“No no no, don’t apologise Tyler, I’m sorry, I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m sorry I never know how to react. You lived through it, the least I can do is hear about it.”
“I’m, uh, I,”
“Yeah?” Josh encouraged him.
“I don’t feel the pull to dissociate. That’s a good thing, right?”
“That’s phenomenal, you’re phenomenal.”
“With the PET scan, it came later. Maybe later it’ll hit me that I spoke to her, and I’ll freak, but right now I feel okay I think? I feel weirdly motivated,”
“We don’t have to talk about it, I know I need to stop pushing, but do you mean motivated to try treatment?”
“Baby steps. Maybe I’ll read the email from Dr Lacey? If I can do that, maybe we’ll try seeing how well I cope with looking at the photos you took of the scans too?”
“You blow me away, every single day.”

Chapter Text

“Don’t fiddle with it, you might knock some cells loose,”
“I don’t think it works like that,”
“Still, better safe than sorry,”
“It’s fine, babe,”

Tyler couldn’t resist toying with the lump in his neck. He’d looked at the scans, seen there was a collection of tumours there, but he could only feel one with his fingertips.

“How are you feeling? Do you think you’re up to chopping an onion for me?”
“I’m a bit too shaky maybe,” Tyler held his fingers out and watched them tremble.
“Alright, no worries, I’ll have a go myself,”
“With only your left hand? No, don’t be silly, I’ll have a go,”

Josh wanted to make a home-cooked meal. For great expanses of their relationship they didn’t have the energy, emotional and physical, to commit to cooking, so their diet consisted of microwave meals and the occasional plate of pesto pasta. Spending time on a meal they could enjoy together was one of the small things Josh would do to show how big his love was.

With that being said, watching his husband battle through with his dominant hand in a sling and both feet in bandages was weirdly amusing. It was twisted, knowing he’d hurt himself in distress, but his sincere deluded belief that he could complete the task was objectively funny.

“What are you smirking at?” He eyed suspiciously, sitting down at the table with him, placing the chopping board, knife, and onion down in front of him.
“You sure you don’t want to just order in?”
“Nooo! I can do this, I wanna do this,”
“Imagine how good a greasy pizza would be right now,”
“No come on, come on,” he laughed at himself, flustered. “I wanna try!”
“Okayy, but if I chop my fingers off doing this-“
“Show me your shakes again, let’s see how ridiculous this is.” Josh had a smile on his face that made Tyler happy.

His hands had been shaking incessantly since his first chemotherapy cycle destroyed his nervous system all those years ago. The doctors told him things usually got better within 12 months of completing treatment, but that hadn’t been true for him so far. Some days were better than others, today was a slightly worse than normal day.

“Alright, Shaky McShaky, maybe this isn’t the best idea…”
“Does that mean pizza??”
“I can make something that doesn’t need loads of chopping. I think I’ve got everything for a bulgur salad or something-“
“Salad? You’re trying to persuade me not to order pizza and your best offering is a salad?”
“The guy who sometimes gags at the sight of milk wants to eat a cheesy pizza?”
“Gotta put on the pounds somehow,”
“You’re teasing me,” Josh kept smiling but it became more forced.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean, you know what you’re doing, babe,”
“I don’t,”
“We always try to get you to gain weight before treatment, so, uh, yeah, you’re making it sound like you’re gonna start treatment.” The whole time he kept smiling a hauntingly sad smile.

“Sorry.”
“No it’s fine, you want pizza, I’ll get you pizza,”
“You don’t have to,”
“Nope, you don’t want my food, you want a pizza,” Josh got out his phone and started scrolling for the local number.
“Babe, come on, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t want you forcing yourself to cook with one hand, that’s all - tomorrow, when you’re out of the sling, we’ll eat your food, hey? You know I love when you cook, you know that, right? What did I used to ask for every time I regained my appetite after losing it for months? Was it pizza? No. It was one of your recipes. I love your food, I don’t love watching you struggle.”
“You want my beluga whale salad?”
“I want your beluga whale salad,” Tyler chuckled, relieved he hadn’t upset him.

“Reckon you can manage a whole one yourself? Or wanna share?”
“Could do the extra large half and half?”
“Pepperoni on yours?”
“Of course,”
“Want garlic bread or anything on the side?” Josh asked, phone ringing and held to his ear.
“Can you get chicken wings or something if they’ve got them please?”
“I’ll ask,”

After a few seconds, the call connected.

“Hi, can I place an order for delivery please? Yep. Can we get an extra large half and half, with one side pepperoni and the other side ground beef, red onions, bell peppers, jalapeño peppers and mushrooms. Yeah, that’s right. Just normal crust please, yeah. Do you have any chicken right now? Wings preferably. Perfect, we’ll take 10 BBQ wings, and a bottle of sprite, that’s everything. Okay. Yeh. We’re 1107 Wilson Street, with the pride sticker in the window - pride? Oh it’s like a rainbow, yeah, a rainbow flag. Perfect, thank you, see you soon, bye,”

He put the phone down then held Tyler’s hand across the table.

“Hope you’re hungry because the smallest serving they had was 10 wings,”
“Oh don’t you worry, I’ll rise to the occasion,”
“I know you will,” Josh grinned. “They didn’t know what a pride flag was, they asked what type of pride,”
“Probably because a bunch of people have, like, hufflepuff pride, or some dumb football team pride or whatever, trying to co-opt our fight.”
“We’ll show the delivery guy exactly what we’re proud of - change into our gayest outfits and open the door whilst kissing,”
“Well I know what your gayest outfit is-“
“The tight sequin piece-“
“Of course, but what’s mine?”
“Ty baby every outfit you wear is up there as the gayest - I’ve got a photo of you literally getting chemo in Lady Gaga merch, wig and all.”
“Pretty sure I went in a Cher shirt once,”
“Multiple times I reckon, and Carly Rae Jepson,”
“I thought the Gaga one might go viral and she’d give us free tickets and her endless love,”
“Shame we only posted it to my private Instagram with 38 followers,”

They both sniggered.

“I’m sorry sometimes I lose my cool, or, or I press your buttons and force you to lose your cool. I know there’s a lot of big stuff going on around us right now but that doesn’t mean we need to constantly be addressing it, right? It’s okay to take some time to just enjoy each other,” Josh extended an apology.
“Just never force me to eat a salad and we’ll be a-okay,”
“You love my blue whale salad!”
“Sperm whale salads are exclusively for avoiding getting the C word, now I’ve got the sucker again, I’m living it up in Junk Food City.”
“You’re funny,” Josh looked at him with love in his eyes.

“Can I go against everything you just said about not always talking about things? I’m just filled with a weird confidence out of nowhere and I don’t want to lose it.”
“Go ahead.”
“I want you to call Dr Lacey and ask what my chemo schedule would look like if I started this week, and when’s the best time for me to get a central line put in.”
“Okay. I’m not going to make a big fuss and overwhelm you, just know I think you’re extraordinary, and I’m gonna call her right now-“
“It’s half 7,”
“Sometimes she works wacky hours, if not I’ll call her out of hours number, and I’ll email her, and I’ll leave her an urgent voicemail. I’ll get you that information and I’ll get the ball rolling and I’m not gonna let this momentum stop unless you tell or show me you need a break, okay? I’m so proud of you,”
“Can you call her please?” Tyler had felt fine until suddenly he teared up.
“I’ll call her. Stay grounded, yeah, focus on listening out for the pizza guy, try and imagine what the food will taste like, keep it multi sensory like the website-“
“Please go call her Josh.”
“Okay, I love you, you can do this,”

“Josh??”
“Coming baby! Coming,”

He’d been back in his body for a little while, but it took a long stretch of time before he could use his words.

“Hey handsome, welcome back to the land of the living,”

At some point Josh had given up on the cane and instead hobbled into the living room that had become their new bedroom for the undefined future.

“Hi,”
“Hi,” his husband said softly, perching on the sofa bed beside him. “How are you feeling lovebug?”
“Did I pass out?”
“No, darling, you had one of your episodes, you know, the dissociation? But this was a really short one so really good job,”
“What time is it?”
“Just before 9, you’ve been out for about an hour,”
“Oh,”
“That’s really good, hey?”

Tyler felt Josh’s hand on his knee, stroking.

“The doctor,”
“Dr Lacey? Shall we talk about this tomorrow?”
“Bad news?”
“No no no, not at all darling, I just don’t want to overwhelm you again,”
“Mmm,”
“Just take a few minutes to readjust, hey?” Josh touched Tyler’s face with his thumb.

“Tell me?”
“She was at home so she didn’t have access to everything she needed for giving an exact breakdown of the schedule and treatment plan, but she said she will probably recommend treating this as if it’s less favourable than it is, that way she’ll be more confident it won’t come back. She wants to try the Stanford Five-“
“No no no, no, no, no that’s got radiation as well! That’s! No, no Josh, please, no,”
“Yeh she said you’ll be on steroids the whole time, and the chemo regimen is 12 weeks with 7 drugs, with weekly treatment, then you finish off with some radiation, yeah. Ty baby, Ty, darling, you’re okay, deep breaths,”

He couldn’t help beginning to cry.

“She said you can get your central line put in any time this week, we can make an appointment or we can just turn up and she’ll call you through to the department as an emergency, okay? Whatever’s gonna be easiest for us, she’s happy to facilitate,”

Tyler covered his face and cried into his hands.

“Can I hold you?” He could just about hear Josh sadly whisper.

For a brief moment he felt disgusted at the thought of being touched, then quickly reminded himself of the relief Josh could bring, so nodded feverishly.

He heard the swishing sounds of fabric as Josh took his sling off and scooted closer, feeling the indent in the shitty mattress grow nearer to him, before Josh wrapped him up close, cradling him to his chest.

“It’s not happening right now. Right now you’re safe, you’re with me, nothing and nobody’s going to hurt you. It’s not happening now. You’re safe now.”
“I c-c-can’t d-do-o it!”
“Okay. If you can’t do it, you don’t have to do it. We asked her because you had a flash of bravery, right? If that’s gone now, I’ll tell her we changed our mind again and we’re not going ahead, that’s okay. I’m not going to force you.”
“I c-c-caa-an’t!”
“I hear you baby, I hear you, you can’t do it with the resources you currently have. Maybe therapy will give you better resources, but if not, and if you still can’t, then that’s okay, you can’t. I’m not going to make you do anything that makes you this scared. You don’t have to do this Ty,”

Josh seemed to understand better now than at any other point since he got diagnosed again. As much as he was relieved to not have to constantly beg and fight for his right to refuse treatment, knowing his husband had resigned to the fact he would have to let him go was a pain Tyler didn’t know how to handle.

“I d-d-don’t w-wanna d-die,”
“Oh Ty,” that struck some kind of nerve for Josh too, who pressed his head against Tyler’s firmly and constantly.
“I-it’s n-no-not f-fa-air,”
“No, no it’s not. This is fucking shit.”
“I’mm s-s-sor-”
“I don’t want your apologies, none of this is your fault, you hear me? None of this is your fault,” Josh pried Tyler’s hands from his face and propped his head up by his chin. “Look at me. I love you, we’re in this together.”

Tyler couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes, curling back up against his chest, weeping.

“You don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it, Ty.”
“B-but I d-do-oo!”
“No you don’t. If 3 years is all we get, I’m grateful for those 3 years. If we can find a way to give us longer, that’s an extra bonus I’ll be beyond ecstatic to receive, if not then thank you for the time we do still have,”
“S’not ff-fa-air,”
“It’s not fair, at all, it’s not fair,”
“Whhyy u-us? W-why m-m-mee?”
“Don’t even begin to let your mind think those things, because there's no reason, there’s nothing to justify this, it’s just shit.”

Out of nowhere Tyler suddenly retched.

“Woah, are you gonna be sick?”

When he opened his mouth to say no, he found himself vomiting all over Josh.

“Oh baby,”
“S-sor-ry!!!”
“No no it’s okay, don’t worry, it’s-“ Tyler puked again. “Get it all out. Everything’s gonna go in the wash anyway so it doesn’t matter where,”

It was sticky and sour, and he had to cough up a lump of something clinging to the back of his tongue.

He had the horrible realisation that this was how he’d spend the rest of his life. Sick and scared.

“Don’t worry baby, don’t worry. Anymore?” Josh rubbed his back with the side of his injured hand. Tyler shook no. “Alright, poppet, you’re okay. Do you want to clean up straight away? Or do you need a moment?”
“Mm,” he crashed his head against Josh again, whimpering.
“It’s okay. I’m super proud of you for feeling the feelings, I know lately your brain has been opting to dissociate when you get this overwhelmed and I think it’s amazing you’re allowing the emotions to flow through you. Good job sweetpea, I’m so proud of you,”
“..pid,”
“Say again darling?”
“S-st-stupid!”
“It’s not stupid baby, it’s not stupid, you’re traumatised and-“
“I H-HATE THIS!” He screamed out, howling desperately.

Josh went suspiciously quiet, which could only mean he was attempting to hide his own tears.

Tyler felt like every step of the way, all he did was cause pain. There wasn’t a single person in his life he hadn’t tormented, everyone he’d ever loved had been left off worse because of him, and anyone who dared to stick around till the end would be better off once he was gone. He caused more hurt than he was worth.

“We’ll make it b-better than this,” Josh whispered against his hair. “I’m g-gonna find a way for life to b-be more tolerable than this, I promise,”
“You can’t.”
“I can. Even if we ne-need to drop everything and move to an island in the Pacific, or something dramatic like that, I’d do it all in a heartbeat if it made you e-even a smidgen calmer.”
“It w-won’t, nothing will,”
“I’m g-gonna find what it t-takes,”
“This n-nightmare is n-nev-er g-gonna e-end!”
“I w-will make this b-better somehow, I will.”

Tyler had to stare at his puke soaking into their bed covers as Josh cradled him.

“I’m so sorry y-you’ve had so m-much shit to cont-tend-“
“Can we c-clean?”
“Yep.” Josh tried to snap himself out of it, a hand shooting up to mop up his face before Tyler could see too many of the tears. He still saw half a dozen. “Let’s get your shirt off then I’ll take you next door and help you wash your f-face and I’ll deal with everything in here after,”

Tyler nodded.

His husband was supposed to keep his wounded hand elevated for another day but Tyler didn’t have it in him to attempt looking after himself so he appreciated the gentle and considerate way Josh bunched his T-shirt up, careful not to smear anything, and lifted it over his head.

“Your trousers look okay to me. Do you want to swap them anyway?”
“F-feel dirty,”
“Okay bubba, let’s wash them t-too,” Josh helped him remove them as well, so he was sitting on the sofa bed in his underwear, shaking. Josh took his vomit covered shirt off too. “How does my hoodie and pyjama bottoms sound?”
“Nice.”

Most of their wardrobe was still upstairs but Jordan, whilst helping establish the downstairs alternative, had swooped up an armful of bits for them to wear until the stairs were easier. Josh grabbed a purple hoodie from the pile, then pulled his pyjamas out from under the pillow on his side of the makeshift bed. He put the plain shirt on himself without difficulty, before carefully helping Tyler slide the plaid cotton trousers over his twig legs. The way his knees jutted out was one of his biggest insecurities and he knew it was only going to get worse.

“Should we wash your face first? So it doesn’t get on the-“
“Yeh.”
“Can you walk?”
“He-help me?”
“Let’s try with one a-arm, if I need to carry you then I will, darling,”

The shaking was getting worse, his knees knocking together, and he couldn’t look down without risking seeing the scars of previous central lines and making himself throw up again.

Josh secured a strong arm around his bare waist and kept a firm grip as he took small shaking steps across the carpet.

“You’re doing really well, almost there,”

The kitchen table had the pizza box open, with only one piece from Josh’s section missing. Small pools of grease spotted the surface of the cheese and in the cups of the pepperoni, and Tyler had to look away.

“If it’s making you feel nauseous I can take it out,”
“S’fine, uh, water?”
“Of course,” Josh held Tyler against the edge of the sink so he could rest for a moment, then spit into the basin.

They’d done this whole routine so many times before. Josh ripped a few sheets of kitchen roll to wipe away the bulk on his face, then dampened a softer cloth and carefully cleaned away any lingering reminders. He filled a cup half full and held it to Tyler’s cracked lips to offer him a series of small swirling mouthfuls that splattered against the basin until they ran clear.

“More water?” He asked but Tyler gave him an exhausted shake no. “Can you sit on a chair? Or can you try to make it back to the bed? Because if not, the floor looks pretty inviting to me,”

Tyler’s knees buckled at that exact moment and Josh caught his weight with ease, helping him to slide down onto the tile that had been covered in glass shards not too long ago. He couldn’t even keep his chin from sinking into his chest, so Josh bundled him up and held him.

For a while, he just held him.

Chapter Text

“Maybe, that might be something you could cover in your first session, yeah, yeah exactly,”

Josh was on the phone with one of the therapists who had replied to their pleas for help. He was auditioning them before letting any of them near Tyler.

“Sorry, one second, let me just step outside,”

Tyler was still in their sofa bed, and could hear every word Josh said, even through the door he closed behind him.

“He’s done quite a lot of work on the childhood stuff, he, uh, he did therapy for about a year just after high school, then again a few years ago, including family therapy for most of a year, but, I don’t know, I know he’s worked really hard but I don’t think it’s really made much of a dent - at least not in the long term. Yeah. Yeah, I mean part of me wonders how you can ever truly heal from that kind of abuse during those formative years, he’s astonishing and I’m so proud of him, he’s incredibly functional really, it just all comes back when he’s in situations like this.”

It went quiet and Tyler swore he could almost hear the potential new therapist through the phone speaker, damning him to an eternity of suffering.

“All kinds of abuse. Physical, mental, emotional, all of it. It’s probably best it comes from him but if you need details he can’t offer up, I have his medical records stating all the broken bones and flesh wounds, and a police report I could send over. Yeah. No. No we tried but the district attorney didn’t think there was enough evidence to prosecute so it never went anywhere. Yeah, maybe. You’ll have to talk to him about it but I don’t think he was that upset, really it was me pushing for legal repercussions, he never believed he'd get justice that way.”

It was true. Tyler had accepted his family would never suffer any consequences for their actions.

“How much experience do you have with dissociation? Yeah, uh huh, right. Okay. Yeah I see, okay. With him it’s like he leaves his body, I can talk to him and he doesn’t hear, and he doesn’t remember afterwards either. Not necessarily frozen, no, he was fiddling with his zip the other day in an appointment, or sometimes he’ll stroke his arm over and over - mindless repetitive movement. Yeah. We spoke to another specialist who was explaining depersonalisation and derealisation but they want to speak to Ty to get more details, yeah, of course. How would you approach something like that?”

Deep down, Tyler knew the answers to all his problems weren’t in the mind of a random lady they’d discovered on the internet. He didn’t have as much hope as Josh.

“No. You’re the expert so we’ll trust your guidance, my only concern is opening a can of worms that we can’t deal with in our very strict timeline. They want him, I need him, to start treatment as soon as possible - they said he can have an absolute maximum of 6 weeks or else they’ll have to reconfigure his treatment with potentially worse odds, so if it was up to me, I’d focus on reaching that goal during these upcoming sessions, then come around to the deeper issues once the cancer is being addressed medically. Exactly.”

Tyler had a time bomb tick tick ticking away in his neck.

“Right, okay. No I appreciate what you’re saying, definitely, and in any other situation I’d agree that trauma therapy would definitely work best when he’s ready, but you have to see where I’m coming from. We don’t have the time to wait until he’s completely ready. He’ll die if we don’t do this.”

There was another pause.

“I understand, it’s a lot of pressure, no, absolutely, I appreciate you being honest about your limitations, thank you for your time. Will do. Thank you, goodbye, bye,”

The door opened.

“Another bust,” Josh chucked the phone on the end of the mattress with a heavy sigh.
“Almost as if these people don’t want my life in their hands.”
“Isn’t that their job though? Like surely they deal with suicidal people all the time, contending with death shouldn’t be so beyond their remit that they all scuttle away at the mere mentioning of our reality.”
“No need to be so melodramatic, we’ll find someone,”
“I’m allowed to be kinda pissed though, right? That’s 3 of our 5 shortlisted therapists who have said no.”
“The other 2 seemed nice.”
“Only 1 knew about dissociation to an extent I’m happy with, and if he’s not covered by our insurance then where does that leave us?”
“We still have money left over from the fundraiser for my sepsis rehabilitation, if that’s not enough, I’m 100% sure we’ll be able to find it somewhere. Don’t worry about the money.”
“I’m not really worried about the money,”
“I know you’re not really worried about the money, mister. Look at me - you’re doing a good job, I trust you to vet these guys more than I trust myself, you’re putting in enough effort, you’re trying hard enough, and this isn’t something you need to feel this stressed about.”

Josh flopped next to Tyler and put a bandaged hand on his chest.

“Feels like we’re officially in the minefield now. One wrong step, like me recommending a shitty therapist, and boom, I lose you.”
“It’s just as much my responsibility to get us through this as it is yours - in fact it’s more of my responsibility than yours, Josh. You don’t need to accept this load on your shoulders.”
“Nope, hard disagree. I’m the one who loses you, so I’m more invested in this than you.”
“I’m invested, baby, I’m invested. I want it too, remember? I need help to get there, but I want to get better,”
“I know you do but you need my help, and my help has to be good enough.”
“Your help is good enough. You’re good enough.”
“Cute quote, meanwhile I have to be performing way better than I currently am and your reassurance won’t sway me from that. This is the easy bit, finding a damn therapist, and I’m already failing.”

Tyler felt like a slab of lead was crushing down on him, making lifting his hand over to Josh an immensely difficult task, but he did it, hoping it would offer even a minuscule amount of comfort.

“You found me lots of therapists. You got me lots of advice. If you’re looking for perfection, you’re never gonna find it. Schedule me in with that one guy, order me the book that the other lady recommended, then call it a day and snuggle with me. Remind me what life is all about, hey?”
“I also need to look into EMDR therapy like she recommended, and the trauma centre downtown never replied so I have to chase them, and I really do need to check where we’re at with our insurance policy, and Dr Lacey sent me another document to read about the potential treatment plan, which I’ve barely even begun researching, and the New York team that got involved when you were in the ICU aren’t in the loop so I need to get their input for a second opinion, and-“
“Joshua Dun-Joseph, snuggle in bed with me. Please.”
“I have to keep moving or I’ll explode.”
“Snuggle in bed with me.”
“That’s all I want to do for the rest of my life, Ty. I won’t get to do that unless I work harder to get you better.”
“Snuggle in bed with me. Please. You’re not allowed to say no to me, I have cancer.”

Josh snorted a laugh, then his face momentarily crinkled up like he might be about to sob, but he pulled it back from the brink.

“10 minutes of quality time? Please,”
“How can I say no to that sweet face, hey?” Josh whispered, kissing him on the cheek then snuggling him close. “Let’s take 30, then if my head will let me, we’ll keep it up all day.”

They cuffed him to the bed, not with the padded restraints, no, the sharp ones that sliced through his flesh as he writhed and thrashed, desperate to hold them off. One of the men hiding behind a mask stood over him, blocking out the small crack of light, and pinned him down by his neck, choking him. Tyler tried to scream but couldn’t. He couldn’t breathe.

Another figure came barging into the dark room, with rusty blades for fingernails - they dragged them up Tyler’s leg, cutting him open for all the flies to feast upon, then slashed up his chest, ripping him open. The pressure on his neck stopped him from wailing but the tears raced fast.

Out of nowhere a third person appeared, with his mom’s hair colour creeping out from behind the mask. She took a stake, a rusty metal stake, and positioned it just over his heart before taking a hammer and swinging with all her might, driving the rod into his chest. She did it again. His whole body bucked and tossed, sometimes she’d miss, smashing his ribs in the process, other times she’d laugh at the sound of the metals colliding as the stake buried deeper in his heart. He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t breathe.

“Baby, hey, hey, Ty, you’re okay, deep breaths, you’re safe, it’s just a nightmare, deep breaths,”

Josh was sitting over him, looming above him, blocking his way out.

“You’re okay darling, it’s not real, you’re safe,”

Tyler’s shaking fingers went straight to his heart to feel for the stake, only to find the scar left behind by his port. When they shot up to his neck to feel for the bruises, a cancerous lump was waiting for him.

The room was too dark to see what marks the razor blades had left behind.

“I’m here angel, you’re safe,”
“Sh-she, shee,”
“It’s not real, none of it was real, you’re safe and loved and protected, and I’m right here,”

He couldn’t catch his breath or clear his vision.

“Tyler,” Josh stroked his cheek. “Should we take some deep breaths together? Yeah? In, and out, in, hold it, out, slower sweetie, in, and out, in, out, in, out, that’s it darling, you’re okay, in and out,”

“My h-heart,”
“Your heart? Is it racing?” Josh put his palm where the stake had once been, soft and soothing. “I feel it, strong and healthy, ticking away, filled with love. As you calm down, it will calm right down with you. You’re okay,”
“A-and he p-pinned me,”
“Would you feel better if I gave you some space? So you know you’re free to move as you please now?”
“N-no,” Tyler gripped onto Josh’s pyjama shirt, desperate not to be left defenceless.
“Alright angel, I’m here, I’m right here,” he kissed the top of his head, where hair grew for now.

“Why’s th-this happening a-again? I w-went so long without o-one!”
“It’s a stressful time, handsome, they always pick up when you’re stressed. We can ask the doctor for some more sleeping pills and I’ll grab those herbal ones from the store, and dig the white sound machine out of the closet, and everything else that helped get rid of them last time. We’ll get you resting easy again soon, I promise,”
“D-did I s-scream?”
“Yeah, darling, you did,”
“So-sorry,”
“Oh don’t apologise, silly billy, I’m sorry you’re feeling so scared. Is there anything I can do now? Do you want a cup of chamomile tea? Or we can watch something easy on the TV to distract you until you’re ready to sleep again? I could even drive you around till you’re settled?”

“What t-time is i-it?”
“Uhh,” Josh reached over to tap his phone. “Just after 4,”
“W-will the h-hos-hospital take m-me?”
“The hospital? They’re always open, darling. Why do you feel like going to the hospital?”
“I j-just wanna get a cen-central l-line now,”
“Okay. Okay, I know there’s an order for a PICC on your records, let me call the radiology department and see if there’s someone available, or if they can call in someone from the day shift. Do you want me to call ahead? Or should we just go whilst you’re keen?”
“D-Don’t let m-me l-le-leave without o-one.”
“Okay baby, okay, let’s do this. I’ll pack a super quick bag, and I’ll call radiology, and Dr Lacey’s office, and I’ll make sure everything happens as smoothly and seamlessly as possible. You’re amazing, and I love you, and we can do this,”

The PICC team did have staff covering the night shift, however they were occupied with emergency repairs and critical placements when they arrived, so it was 6am when he was assessed and scheduled in for an 8.30 placement. That left hours for Tyler to sob and scream and meltdown and dissociate and resurface and sob and scream and try to abscond and be drugged and silently weep and sob and dissociate.

A healthy dose of midazolam had him still enough for them to come around, with their ultrasound machine and needles and sutures. Tyler couldn’t remember a single second of it. Josh told him he cried the whole time.

They gave Josh a refresher on all the training he’d received last time they had to care for a line, then gave them a handful of leaflets and enough supplies to last the first 3 days before advising they make an appointment with Dr Lacey to get prescriptions for more.

An hour was allowed for the sedation to partially wear off then Tyler was discharged.

Josh lifted him into the massive hospital wheelchair then convinced the porter to allow him to push Tyler along the corridors that smelt so repulsively until they reached the final set of doors that unleashed a cold rush of air, stimulating Tyler’s awareness ever so slightly.

Within the blink of an eye, they were at Josh’s car, with the back door open and a blanket laid across the seats.

“Ready angel? 3, 2, up,” Josh picked him up like he weighed nothing and swung him onto the seat accurately and without hassle.
“Is that your bag?” A foreign voice echoed.
“Oh, yes, thank you so much. I really appreciate your help,”
“Just doing my job,”
“Well thank you, I know you didn’t have to come all the way across the parking lot, so thanks for making the effort.”
“My pleasure. Get home safe,”
“Will do, thank you sir, have a nice day.”

There was a kerfuffle then Tyler felt something warm against a body part he couldn’t identify.

“Alright poppet, the porter’s gone, there’s no staff left, we’re not in the hospital anymore, you’re all done. It’s just us, we’re alone in the back of the car, and you’re safe, and I’m gonna sit back here with you for a little while, so I know you’re calm, then we can go back home and go back to bed, hey?”
“Mmam,”
“Oh so now you’re listening, hey mister? Weren’t so keen to pay attention when that lady was telling us about the cleaning and flushing processes, noooo, but I say it’s snuggle time then you’re ready to poke your head above water, huh?”
“Marm,”
“Your arm? Don’t worry sweetie, it’s okay, you don’t have to think about it. Let’s think about how soft this blanket is, and how warm my body is against yours, and the smell of the pine air freshener, and-“
“Marm,”
“You did such a good job sweetie, I’m so proud of you. If it’s hurting you, they gave me some painkillers you can have, but I only have 2 doses so we need to be sensible when we take them.”
“Bick?”
“PICC line, yeah, good job baby. Sometimes thinking about it makes you scared, so we can talk about something else, yeah?”
“Did dit,”
“You did it Ty, you did it.” Josh kissed his temple. Tyler could tell it was his temple. “I’m so proud of you, my sweet handsome man. You did it.”

“Mmm,”
“We can sleep soon, my love. The drive is short.”
“I’m, mm, I’m,” he managed to coordinate rubbing his eye with his good arm.
“You’re calming down so fast Ty, you’re doing amazing,”
“Feet,”
“Feet? Oh dear, please tell me they didn’t give you a foot fetish in there!” Josh chuckled. “Do your feet feel okay? I have extra fluffy socks in my bag if you’re cold,”
“Y-feet,”
“Oh, my feet? They’re okay darling, they’re healing up nicely, thank you for asking. One of the nurses actually took a look at the stitches in my hand whilst we were waiting and she said they’re looking good. I’m all good, angel, and you’re getting so much better too. Things are good.”
“Better?”
“Yeah definitely poppet, this was a really big really scary step you took, and it’s a massive step forwards. You’re a whole lot closer to being healed, and your mindset is a whole lot better than it was.”

“I, I cried,”
“You did, that’s okay, I liked that you felt safe enough to show me how scared you were feeling,”
“Dissociate,”
“You did that too, yeah, and that’s okay, I liked that you used that to your advantage - when your stress got too much to bear and you recognised you were at your limit, you fell back on that as a coping mechanism. You let yourself feel a lot of the feelings, which is tricky, so I’m really proud of the balance you struck.”
“Run,”
“You only tried running once, you cheeky monkey.” Josh kissed the end of his nose. “I wanted to pelt it out of there too, I understand. You were really brave to go back to your bed when I asked you to.”

Tyler sighed, needing to recalibrate and reset after the chaotic start.

“I have a PICC line.”
“You do. Only for the absolute maximum of a couple months. Then they’ll take it out, and you can go swimming again,”
“We, uh, the, the cover.”
“We’ll get those covers from the insurance company again so you can go in the shower, yeah, don’t worry, I’ve got a full list of everything we could ever need and once we get home I’m going to chase Dr Lacey to order everything through. That’s not something you ever need to worry about, okay? I’m always gonna get you everything you’ll ever need, that’s a husband’s job,”

His mind was fuzzy and his lips were fuzzy and the words that seeped from his tongue were fuzzy.

“Last PICC in boyfriend,”
“Oh that’s right honey, last time you had a PICC line we weren’t husbands, we were boyfriends. Good memory. Your very first PICC line was 5 years ago, can you believe that? 5 years, and back then we’d only been dating for about 2 years - we were babies,”
“Babies,”
“Exactly,”

“Love me?”
“I loved you so incredibly much back then, I knew I’d found my person, and I would have sworn it to be impossible but somehow I love you even more now. You’re a part of me, you’re my whole heart, and I’ll never stop loving you, Tyler, never.”
“L’you,”
“I love you too.” Josh pecked his cheek.

“I’m cold,”
“You are? Well you’re in luck, I remembered how chilly you get in the hospital and look what I’ve got,” his hand dove into the rucksack he packed at 4am, “fluffy socks, mittens, and my beanie, plus we’ve got this blanket, and I also brought one of my hoodies for you - I think maybe it’s best we don’t put that all the way on, just to take care of your arm for now, but I’ll bundle you up in all the rest, hey? And I can crank the heat up and take us home.”
“Y-gun drive?”
“I’ll drive, yeah, and you can rest,”

Tyler had his licence taken off him for a year following the seizures he had in the ICU as a result of the sepsis a central line had given him, and he hadn’t driven since. At least this central line couldn’t take away something he’d already abandoned.

“Fron?”
“You can try sitting up front with me if you’d like? I figured back here would be comfier if you need to lie down, but if you think you can manage sitting up all the way home, you can definitely sit next to me in the front, I’d really like that Ty,”
“Help?”
“Of course I’ll help you move, I’m always gonna help you, darling.”
“Yeh?”
“Yeh.”
“Mittens.”
“Let’s put those mittens on you, great idea,”
“Smitten,”
“Well I’m smitten with you too, darling.” Josh kissed his cheek one more time.

Chapter Text

“You don’t have to do this, Ty,”
“No, I do. I can’t spend the next, what, 12 weeks of treatment plus however long it takes me to be ready to start just avoiding looking at my own arm. It’s in me, I need to be able to look at it.”
“Maybe we wait until we understand more about trauma responses and triggers and everything,”
“Why? What’s the worst that could happen? I cry and scream? Not sure if you’ve been paying attention but I’m doing that anyway,”
“No, I’m worried you’ll rip it out and start violently bleeding everywhere and I’ll have to call an ambulance and it will create a whole new traumatic memory for you and make this whole process even harder than it already is.”
“I won’t rip it out.”
“Baby-“
“No, I’m just gonna look, sit with it for 5 seconds, then I’ll cover it again and go about my day,”

“Last time you were triggered the hospital had to sedate you, the time before you threw up all over yourself and we ended up on the kitchen floor for an hour. I love how confident you’re feeling, I’m so proud of all the progress you’re making, but let’s be sensible about this.”
“I am being sensible!! Surely it’s better we do this now, in an intentional and controlled setting whilst I’m willing and able, rather than me accidentally catching a peek when I’m not prepared and completely spiraling.”
“What makes this a controlled setting? Me being here? Because I’m being honest with you Ty, like you always ask me to be, and I’m saying I don’t feel equipped to be able to deescalate this situation if it doesn’t go how you’re planning.”

Tyler didn’t like the fear in Josh’s eyes.

“Let’s just go back to the hospital then, get it removed, that eliminates the risk, right? Right?”
“Oh Ty-“
“No, I remember what you said, we’re in the minefield now, well guess what, there’s a bomb just waiting to go off implanted in my arm - let’s get it out.”
“Stop it, stop, calm down,” Josh tried to hold his hand but he swatted him away. “I don’t like how agitated you a-“
“You’re agitating me!”
“Sorry, I’m sorry, I, I’m sorry. Let’s just both take a moment, collect ourselves-“
“No, you’re a fucking control freak Josh! You always have to be in charge, right? When you want me to move forwards, you push and push and push, but when I suddenly want a say in how I handle my life, you’re not having any of it! I’m sick of it!”

The silence hung heavy in the air.

“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.” Josh shook his head.
“I do, I hate you.”
“I know you don’t, Ty.”
“I hate you! I hate you, I, I hate you, I hate you,”

Josh just nodded.

“I hate you.” Tyler blinked and his vision went blurry with tears. “I hate you.”
“Would you like a hug?”
“I fucking hate you.”
“Okay. Hug?”
“I hate you.” He pointed straight at Josh’s face before stumbling into his open arms and resting his heavy head against his husband’s chest. “I hate you,”
“I hate this too, darling, I hate it too.”

“I wanna be able to do it,”
“I know.”
“I could do it last time.”
“Last time you didn’t know how sick it could make you. Now this clever little mind of yours has connected the dots and remembered how treatment led to infection that led to sepsis which led you to being so incredibly unwell for so long. We have to respect how hard your brain is fighting to protect you from going through that again.”
“What if it’s already infected?”
“Your line? We can go to the doctors to get it checked as many times as you need - every single day if you want. I also know all the signs, we can do visual checks every hour on the hour for the next 4 months, I can take your temperature whenever you want, I can measure your arm so we can notice even the tiniest amount of swelling, I can take your pulse, I, I can sterilise the entire house over and over, I can send photos to Dr Lacey every day, whatever it takes to keep you reassured that it’s not infected again and you’re not going back to the ICU again, we’ll do it.”

“I don’t hate you.”
“I know, baby,”
“I’m really sorry,”
“It’s okay, I understand,” Josh’s thumb stroked Tyler’s back comfortingly. “Thank you for saying sorry.”

“Part of me wants to say fuck it, let’s not even bother wasting time treading water going to therapy and whatnot, let’s go straight to chemo tomorrow, get it done and dusted, and then another part of me-“ he took an unexpected breath. “Would rather die.”
“Remember the plan, darling, we don’t need to pick either chemo or death for tomorrow, we’re taking this one day at a time, at your pace, and that’s not going to change. Getting the line is truly astounding, it’s a success in and of itself, but if you never use it for treatment, that’s okay. By getting the PICC line you’ve not stepped on a conveyor belt that puts you through things you’re not able to endure. You can stop whenever you want. If you want to go back and get it taken out, you definitely can and I’ll support you through that.”
“I wanna k-keep it.”
“Okay, let’s keep it. If you want it out at another time, we can do that. For this moment you’ve decided to keep it, which I think is really brave, and I’m proud of you. There’s no pressure coming from me to keep it up, yeah? I never want to be someone who pushes you into uncomfortable or even traumatising situations,”
“I’m sorry for saying you push too much,”
“If that was a real feeling slipping through with your defensive anger, we can talk about it.”
“You don’t push, I don’t know how you summon the restraint sometimes, but you don’t push, even when the consequence is potentially losing me. Thank you.”

“If you want to look at your PICC line, I’ll help.”
“What if you’re right and I can’t tolerate it?”
“I’ll get to say I told you so.” Josh lightened the mood with a joke. “What do you think will happen if you can’t tolerate it?”
“I’ll get upset,”
“Yeah,”
“And maybe vomit again,”
“Yeah,”
“And I might have more nightmares,”
“Yeah,”
“And I might say some horrible stuff,”
“Yeah,”
“And I might dissociate.”
“Yeah,”
“And, and maybe I’ll try and rip it out.”
“That’s the only one that worries me. I can clean up puke, I can wipe away tears, I can give hugs, I can keep you safe whilst you dissociate, I can try to ground you, I can forgive cruel things towards me and overlook nasty things you say about yourself, I can deal with screaming, I can manage all of it and once it’s over you’ll be safe and sound, except if you mess with the line. How can we stop that from happening?”

“Are you crisis planning with me?” Tyler recognised the technique from the time they’d been to couples therapy.
“Maybe.” Josh broke into a smile. “Is that okay?”
“It’s okay.”
“If you’re about to rip out your line, what should we do?”
“Not let it get to that point. Distract, um, remove the trigger by covering it up again, distract me so I’m not thinking about it, give my hands something else to do, hug me so I can’t reach it, breath work, maybe take me outside so I can have some fresh air, tell me you don’t want me to hurt myself, um, what else?”
“You don’t want me to restrain you?”
“I don’t want you to pin me down, but you could hug me or hold my hands firmly.”
“Okay, thank you for setting boundaries.” Josh spoke like they were still in therapy. “Is there any circumstance where you’d allow me to call an ambulance?”
“You really think it will get that bad?”
“The catheter part goes right to your heart, baby, all sorts of things could happen, bleeding, infection, air embolisms - I don’t even want to think about it really. Maybe you’ll look and you’ll be absolutely fine, we just have to be prepared for the worst.”
“Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.”
“Exactly.”
“If I damage the PICC line, you can call an ambulance.”
“Thank you.” Josh held him close.
“But you’ve gotta get me a bunch of fun drugs in the process.”
“Deal.”

Tyler sighed. Josh stroked his back.

“Alternatively, you don’t have to look.”
“We can smash all the light fixtures and board up all the windows, live like molemen, so I never have to see it.”
“Or I could help you get dressed in long sleeves each day,” Josh chuckled.

“3 months and it will all be over, right?”
“You can’t hold me to the exact dates, we have to leave a little time for radiation, but we should be all done by my birthday,”
“We can celebrate,”
“Yeah, we’ll have so much to celebrate, my birthday, your healing, our wedding,”
“Are we going to wear matching suits?”
“What would you like?”
“I, I, I’m not sure.”

“Should we talk about the wedding whilst looking at your line? As a distraction?”
“Yeh. Positive association.” Tyler nodded overenthusiastically, knowing the tears were close.
“We can stop whenever you need. I’m going to roll your sleeve up and I want you to tell me what our wedding cake is going to look like.” Josh carefully folded the fabric of his shirt up and up and up until Tyler caught a glimpse of the bottom of the dressing and flinched away. “I think we should have red velvet cake, orrr, hm, can you think of any other cake flavours Ty?”
“Carrot.”
“Good,”
“Sometimes I like lemon,” he whispered, still looking at the far wall.
“Lemon drizzle is an excellent shout.”
“Um,”
“Would you like it to be tiered?”
“Yeh.” Tyler let his eyes flick to Josh’s, who smiled encouragingly. “3 tiers, with 2 little men on top.”
“That sounds really cute. 3 tiers will be lots of cake, so is it going to be a big wedding?”
“Yeh.”
“Well where are we going to host all those people?”
“Somewhere pretty.” Tyler did it. He looked at the PICC line. He looked at the Stat-Lock that secured it into his arm. He looked at the two lumens with their clamps and access caps dangling from under the sticky tegaderm cover. He looked at the point where the tube disappeared into his arm and imagined as it snaked all the way to the entrance of his heart.

“Would you like it in a castle?”
“Yeh,”
“Or a barn?”
“Yeh,”
“Or a vineyard?”
“Yeh,”
“Where should we get married, Tyler?”
“Barn.” He kept staring at it.
“A refurbished barn? Or a stinky old barn with manure everywhere?”
“Freburb, fruh, refurbished,”

“Are we nearly all done now?” Josh’s hand stroked his lower back as his glazed eyes refused to disconnect from the line. “Should I put your sleeve back down?”
“One more minute.”
“One more minute.” He agreed. “Tell me more about the wedding. Band or DJ?”
“Band.”
“Choreographed first dance?”
“Just slow dancing.”
“What time of day?”
“Afternoon, into the night.”
“What food do we serve?”
“Taco stand, a-and Mac n cheese, and ice cream,”
“Kids, allowed or not?”
“Kids.”
“Colour scheme?”
“Pinkish. Blush, salmon, peach,”
“Flowers?”
“Everywhere. Peonies and dahlias and garden roses.”

Josh ran out of questions. Tyler couldn’t even break to blink, he was possessed by the thing in his arm.

“All done now. We can look again later, yeah?”
“One more minute.”
“You had your extra minute. If this is a healthy mindset, you’ll let me cover it now, if it’s not a healthy mindset then I think I need to cover it, hey? I promise you can look later,” Josh unrolled the fabric, lowering it inch by inch until Tyler couldn’t even see the ends of the caps.

“That was really good, hey?” Josh picked Tyler’s hand up and squeezed it. “And you managed to plan our whole wedding, probably saving us a fortune on an actual planner,”
“Mmm,”
“Do you need to go and lie down for a bit now?”
“Mmm,”
“Alright poppet, great job, let’s go next door, hey? Take a breather? Then later we can have another go at looking if you’re still keen,”
“Mmm?”
“Can you try walking? Or I can carry you,”
“Mmm,”
“Let’s try walking together. Left foot first,”

“Wait, wait, uh, wait, let me get dressed, or, or run a brush through my hair or something,”
“It’s just my parents, they’re not fussed darling,”
“No, uh, no, whilst I have the energy to make an effort, I want to make an effort.”
“Okay. Let me answer the door and I’ll get them to wait in the kitchen, then I’ll come back to help you, yeah?”
“I, I might be able to do it by myself.”
“Okay honey, well I’ll let them in and I’ll make them both a drink and get them settled, to give you some time, then I’ll be back to check how you’re coming along, yeah?”
“Perfect, thanks,”
“See you in a few,” Josh kissed him then left their makeshift bedroom to respond to the doorbell.

Tyler had lost track of the days. With the late night when Josh broke down in the kitchen, combined with the early start for the PICC, and patches of dissociation and time bending tears - he couldn’t tell you whether it was night or day.

Nevertheless his in-laws had arrived for some event that Josh had almost definitely told him about, he just couldn’t remember. He didn’t know whether he’d been sleeping all day or just woke up from a nap. He didn’t know what the weather outside was like. He didn’t know what the occasion was. He supposed it didn’t matter. He was gonna wear a hoodie no matter what.

The long sleeve shirt he wore to sleep safely kept his PICC line from view, with only a small outline of the tubes forming with some angles. Following Josh’s advice to be sensible whilst he acclimatised, Tyler kept the shirt on and threw the first hoodie he could find over it.

They had a mirror above a shelf on the wall. Tyler rarely looked in it, so seeing the scruff growing on the lower half of his face was a shock. If his hands didn’t shake so violently, he would have attempted to shave before going next door.

He avoided a hair brush or comb, not wanting to risk the precious strands of hair coming out in clumps again, instead he opted to carefully untangle with gently pulling fingers.

It didn’t look like he’d made an effort at all but he was exhausted.

“There’s my handsome man, looking good,” Josh returned with a broad smile.
“I look like shit,”
“No, you don’t, you look incredibly handsome,”
“I look like I just stumbled in from a 5 night bender.”
“You look adorable.” He kissed his forehead. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel more confident?”
“Will you help me shave?”
“Of course, darling. Our razors are upstairs, give me a minute to hike up there, I haven’t tried since I cut my feet.”
“No no don’t then, don’t hurt yourself,”
“It’s okay, they’re nearly healed anyway,”
“No, it’s alright, I’ll keep the quasi beard, I should make the most of it before it all falls out again.”
“I like it.” Josh gently pinched his chin. “If you would like me to shave it off, I can go get the stuff, or I can send my dad up, it’s okay.”
“I’ll still look like roadkill either way.”

“Hey now, where’s all this coming from mister? You’ve got nothing to be insecure about,”
“Just feel like a couch potato. I don’t remember the last time I dressed for anything.”
“Do you wanna swap your joggers for jeans or something? You don’t have to. My mom’s in leggings, my dad’s in cargo trousers that unzip at the knee, this isn’t a formal occasion,”
“Wh-where are my black trousers?”
“Think they’re just over here,” he went and crouched next to a pile of folded clothes, searching until he held them up victoriously. “You managed the hoodie, can you do these too?”
“I, yeah, thank you,”
“And go on, whilst we’re having a big push, swap,” he passed over a fresh pair of underwear too. Tyler nodded.

“Later, once they leave, I’ll wrap your PICC line up so it’s waterproof and I’ll run you a bath, and we’ll get you clean and refreshed, and I’ll wash your hair for you, and I’ll clip your nails, and shave your face, and I’ve only got one hand till the stitches come out but I could try giving you a massage afterwards?”
“Not, not my hair,”
“I’ll be gentle, you won’t lose any,”
“I’ll get it wet but I don’t want shampoo and I don’t want you touching,”
“Okay, that’s fair, okay, good compromise baby - I just want you to feel relaxed and comfortable,”

Tyler managed to shimmy the trousers up to his hips but didn’t have the fine motor skills to tie the cord necessary for keeping them up on his skinny frame. Josh swooped in and looped a bow.

“How long are your parents here for?”
“As long as you want. If they’ve overstayed their welcome already, I can send them home now,”
“I’m just tired,”
“I’ll tell them today’s a miss, we’ll try again another day,”
“No, no let me say hello, maybe, uh, maybe try 20 minutes?”
“20 minutes sounds amazing. When we reach that point, I’ll get them to go, if you can manage longer then we’ll try another 20 minutes, and I’ll cap it at an hour and definitely kick them out, yeah? That way you won’t get trapped feeling like you have to be polite and let them stay,”
“I can do an hour,”
“Let’s see, baby.”

“I look okay?”
“Stunning.” He kissed him.
“O-okay, uh,”
“There’s nothing to be nervous about, I’m here, you can do this,” Josh threaded Tyler’s non-line arm. “Do you need more time?”
“No, let’s say hi.”
“That’s my man,” he guided Tyler tenderly through the door and down the hall to the kitchen, where two smiling faces were waiting for them.

“Tyler! There’s my boy, how are you son?” Bill wrapped him up in a warm embrace.
“I’m good, yeah, I’m good, I just woke up so I’m a bit sleepy, but I’m good,”
“Glad to hear it kid, we actually swung by your old coffee shop, I know you don’t drink coffee at the moment but look, we picked you up one of those smoothies,”
“Oh wow, thank you,” he genuinely smiled as Laura passed it to him - he held it in both hands to make sure he didn’t drop it. “This is triple berry, right?”
“Good eye,” she nodded.
“This is what Josh ordered the first time we met,”

Josh slurped from the straw.

“Tastes good, but not as good as when you made it.”
“Flirt.”
“It’s true.” Josh kissed him with smoothie covered lips.

“Thank you so much for remembering, and thinking of me,”
“Course. We hear you’ve been up to good things this week so this is a small token of our pride,” his father in law smiled encouragingly.
“Maybe I will do chemo after all if this is my reward,” Tyler took a sip too.
“Kid, if you do chemo, I might even stretch to getting you a 6 dollar slice of shortbread,”

Chapter Text

“It’s a 4 week cycle that we’d repeat 3 times back to back, followed by involved field radiation preferably within 2 weeks of your final cycle finishing.”
“Right, okay,” Josh scribbled it down.

They’d arranged for a telephone appointment, hoping Tyler would find it easier than going into the clinic. That hadn’t proved to be the case.

“You’ll take prednisone for the whole duration, then on day 1 you’ll have doxorubicin and vinblastine and mechlorethamine, day 8 you’ll get vincristine and bleomycin, day 15 you’ll get doxorubicin and vinblastine again as well as etoposide, and you’ll get etoposide on day 16 too, and day 22 is another dose of vincristine and bleomycin, then we start again.”
“So other than the daily steroids, treatment is on days 1, 8, 15, 16, and 22?”
“Correct, basically it’s weekly, alternating between myelosuppressive and nonmyelosuppressive agents,”
“Will you be able to put all the technicalities in an email?”
“Happily,” Dr Lacey’s voice crackled over the phone. Maybe it wasn’t the phone, maybe it was Tyler’s brain crackling.

“When we think of side effects, it’s the same as the last two times?”
“I’ll send over the full information packages for each drug but we’re looking at nausea and vomiting, sores in the mouth and throat, loss of appetite, weight loss, stomach pain, diarrhoea, increased thirst, unusual tiredness and weakness, dizziness, hair loss, separation of fingernail or toenail from the nail bed, itchy red watery or irritated eyes, eye pain, pain or burning or tingling in the hands or feet, red discoloration of urine, constipation, headaches, jaw pain, bone pain and other aches, rashes, redness or blistering or tenderness or thickening of the skin, darkened skin colour, fainting, vision problems, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, inappropriate happiness and extreme changes in mood, changes in personality, bulging eyes, acne, thin and fragile skin, red or purple blotches or lines under the skin, slowed healing of cuts and bruises, decreased sexual desire, heartburn, and increased sweating,”
“Lovely stuff.” Josh sighed, dropping his pen down and holding his head in his hand.
“I can offer some interventions based on his reactions - eye drops or painkillers or nausea meds, whatever he needs, but there needs to be an understanding that we won’t be able to prevent them all.”
“Oh we understand all right,”

“In terms of complications and long term risk, we're using less bleomycin than when we opted for ABVD, so that reduces how worried we are about pulmonary toxicity, but that’s still something we need to keep a close eye on. We need to watch the Red Devil, doxorubicin, because that can harm your heart, and your bowels, and trigger palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia which is the reddening and swelling and numbing and peeling of your hands. The vincristine is often associated with peripheral neuropathy, which Tyler has dealt with before, so he could have foot drop and whole body tingling and numbness and really quite severe pain, and it can also damage his lungs and significantly lower his white blood cell count which makes him incredibly vulnerable to infection-“
“How many more things are on your list?”
“A fair few.”
“Would it be possible for those to go in the email too? I’m not sure how helpful this is in terms of encouraging Tyler to accept treatment.”
“Is he still on the line now?”
“He’s sitting with me but he’s dissociating again,”
“Okay. Remind him when he’s calmer that it’s highly unlikely he’ll have every single one of these symptoms, and complications are even less likely,”

“I think, I mean I’m speaking for him so this might be wrong, but I think he’s able to somehow navigate and accept the short term agony - I don’t think I could endure it, but he can deal with all that crap for a few short months. I think what really scares him is the longer term stuff. He was so sick after the sepsis and he had to live in that facility just to gain back the ability to breathe and swallow and sit, he was in the wheelchair for so long, he was completely dependent for so long, and we’re almost 3 years down the line and he still can’t walk to the end of the block. He’s in pain, and he’s lost so much independence, and confidence, and I think all he wants is to be able to work at the coffee shop again but when the shakes are bad he can’t even hold a cup, when the fatigue is bad he can’t keep his eyes open, when the brain fog is bad he can’t comprehend a word I say to him. If this is a short term pain for long term gain type of treatment, I will push him to go ahead. If this is the short term pain of chemo, then the long term pain of lung and heart and bowel complications, and debilitating exhaustion and weakness, and the risk of relapse or secondary cancers, honestly I think I’m gonna agree with his gut reaction and say no thank you. I want him to get better, I don’t just want him to live longer, I want him to have a better quality of life.”

“It’s going to be really bad for 6 months.” The doctor confessed. “I think it will be effective and the cancer will be cured. As for his health and well-being post treatment, I can’t predict the side effects and complications he’ll present with, I can recommend excellent physical therapists and occupational therapists who will provide him with the ability to maximise his potential, but I cannot guarantee he’ll be a barista rushed off his feet making a hundred coffees an hour in a year’s time, do you understand?”

“If it was your partner, would you tell them to do it?”
“I would.”
“Without hesitation?”
“I would, yes.”
“I just don’t want him to suffer anymore than he already has,”
“He’s young, that leaves plenty of time for healing,”
“I wish you could see him now, he’s just staring, I, I, he’s been through so much, and I’m sure everyone says that, but really, he’s, he’s been through so much and all I want is a period of peace for him, not bulging eyes and detaching nails and foot drop.”
“He’ll get sick soon either way,”
“How soon will we feel the impact of the cancer?”
“I can’t know how fast it will grow, but in the next few months his energy might drop, his sweats could get worse, he’ll run a fever, become breathless, itch all over, and it will only deteriorate from there. If it spreads we could see other symptoms too, and as I mentioned before, it will begin to press on his throat and impact his swallowing.”

“Rock and a hard place.”
“Unfortunately so.” The doctor agreed. “If you need more time to consider your next steps, we can talk again next week?”
“I’ll call your office and book something in, that would be really helpful, thank you,”
“How’s he handling having the PICC line?”
“He’s doing pretty well, when I have to flush it he freaks, he had a panic attack this morning and he cried yesterday when I had to do it, but otherwise he’s doing really well. He can look at it without puking which is beyond my expectations, honestly.”
“Like I said in my email, it’s more than okay to send photos over for me to reassure you both about how it looks, I don’t want him getting worried about another case of infection and sepsis,”
“Thank you, that’s really generous of you,”
“Just ensure you’re following all sterile protocols like you were trained,”
“I’m obsessive about it, nothing’s going to go wrong, I’m determined,”
“Last time he got a line infection, he was in the hospital for treatment anyway, so it’s likely you weren’t responsible for the breach but instead one of the nurses. Don’t let your caution verge into the territories of paranoia,”
“We’re being safe rather than sorry, but no, obsessive is too far so I retract that, I have a healthily cautious mindset,”
“I understand.” The doctor replied.

“I’m sorry to keep you so long, but just in terms of making this easy for Tyler, I was doing some research and I discovered some hospitals offer outpatient chemotherapy nurses who could come into our home and administer the drugs to Tyler here, meaning we could avoid the triggers of coming into clinic. Is that something on the table?”
“Ooh, uh, as a hospital we do have a home team but I’m not sure that’s applicable in Tyler’s circumstances. For all his first doses he’ll need to be here for monitoring in case of allergy or poor response, and before every Red Devil dose he’ll need his bloods done to see if he’s fit enough, then he’ll have another PET scan halfway through treatment, so he’s going to be coming in a lot. They’ll only be short visits, the longest infusion is 60 minutes, but for such a short treatment program with only once weekly medications and so many essential trips here, I feel it would be best for him to come in every time. Additionally that avoids making your home a trauma trigger like the hospital presently is.”
“Okay, I get it, thought it was worth asking,”

“You can do things to make his station relaxing, you can bring comforters and pillows and headphones for music and electronic candles and all that jazz,”
“Same guidelines as last time?”
“Exact same, yeah,”

“Just to present it in a nice way to him, this is shorter than his last chemo treatments, there’s fewer access days so less infection risks and fewer hospital visits. There’s less of one of the complicated drugs so his lungs might be less affected, and yes, there’s gonna be lots of horrible side effects, but you think it will work and you don’t think he’ll have any long term problems as long as he works with PT and OT.”
“He does need to show an appreciation for all the risks as I’ll need him to give informed consent, but essentially yes, that’s a nice way to wrap it all up,”
“Okay, I’ll try my best, thank you Doc,”
“Hopefully see you in clinic soon, and my emails and phone are always available,”
“Thank you so much, speak soon,”
“Bye - bye to Tyler too,”
“I’ll tell him, thanks, bye,”

There was a deep sigh then the thump of a phone landing on the mattress.

Tyler couldn’t feel where his body was. Maybe it was on the mattress, maybe it was hovering 5 ft above the room.

He could hear the sound of Josh breaking down into a short burst of whimpering sobs, then the exact moment when he’d clearly told himself to pull it back together. It hurt to listen to.

“S’okay baby, it’s all done, she’s gone,” his voice was strained and pained. “You’re ssafe, it’s okay, you’re safe. You can relax now, darling, that was a lot to take in but when you’re ready and calm, we can talk about it. For now, just relax, yeah? You’re okay,”

“What if I don’t get better?”
“She said it’s really treatable, she’s confident,”
“Not the cancer, me, what if I don’t get better? Peripheral neuropathy doesn’t always get better, right? And she said one of the drugs is super high risk. I could have permanent nerve damage. Permanent pain and tingling and burning and shooting sensations, and permanent ringing in my ears, and permanent loss of fine motor skills, and balance, and, and-“
“It’s something we could adapt to. It went away last time, it took a few months for the bulk to stop but it did, and now it’s almost entirely gone, hey? You’ll likely have the same response, it’ll fade,”

They sat together on the bench outside, Tyler curled up and cuddling his knees whilst Josh fiddled with the case on his phone.

“I still can’t use my fingers. It was relatively mild last time, what if it’s serious? I don’t think nerves are known for their resilience and ability to bounce back,”
“Ty,”
“And that’s just one risk, what about the fact these drugs are going to kill the cells in my heart and my lungs and bowels.”
“Ty, if you’re saying no then it’s okay, it’s a no.” Josh said calmly but Tyler could see the suffering in his eyes.

“I’m not saying no, I’m complaining and bitching and moaning to procrastinate actually committing.”
“You’re not bitching, you’re scared. I’m scared too.”
“I have to do it though, don’t I?”
“No.”
“I do.”
“You don’t,”
“I do!” He insisted. “I do, I have to, for you, I have to.”
“This is me saying you’re wrong, you, you don’t have to endure agony to protect me,”
“I don’t have to but I want to, Josh.”

They both stared at each other.

“I want to get treatment because I want you to be happy, Josh, and I want to live a long happy life with you, and I don’t want to leave you here by yourself, and-“
“I can’t be r-responsible for the p-pain you’re a-about to go thr-through,”
“You’re not responsible, you didn’t give me cancer, you didn’t invent the drugs they’re going to give me, all you’ll be responsible for is my healing and happiness, babe,”
“Y-your nails a-are gonna drop off-ff, an-and your mouth is g-gonn-na be one b-big wound-“
“And none of that is because of you, Josh,”
“It is. W-Without m-me-“
“Joshua, there is no me without you.”

His husband crumpled over, his face buried in his hands, unable to maintain appearances for a second longer. Tyler climbed off the bench and crouched down in front of him, a task demanding more balance than he’d anticipated, but he held onto Josh’s knees and leant in close.

“Look at me, darling, look at me. Being the reason I want to live is not something to feel guilty about.”
“I c-c-caa-an’t sseeee!”
“You can’t see? What do you mean you can’t see? Josh, baby, what’s happening?” Tyler tried prying his head up but he was locked tight.
“Caaa-aan’t breeeathe!”
“Hey now, you’re okay, you’re okay darling, it’s anxiety, yeah? You can see, you can breathe, you’re overwhelmed right now, that’s all, hey? I’m here, I’m right here, it’s a nasty sneaky panic attack but I’m here, I’m looking after you, I’ve got you,”

Josh was hysterical and Tyler felt useless. He couldn’t maintain a crouch so had to stand back up and sit next to him, rubbing his back feebly.

“I love you baby. It’s gonna be okay.”

Josh always knew what to say, Josh could balance a thousand spinning plates at once and still speak to Tyler with bottomless empathy and love, Josh was so much better at this than Tyler. Tyler didn’t know what to do.

“Fuck, Josh, I’m so sorry, I’m, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to help, I don’t know what to say, I’m, gah, I’m so sorry. I can call your brother? Or your mom?”

He wailed and wept.

“Listen darling, listen, you’re, uh, it’s okay, I’m okay, I’ve, I’ve done it before and I can do it again, we, we can do it again. It’ll be easy, we’re, we’re, we’ve done this before, third time just means we’re experienced at this, right? We know what we’re doing. We, you’ve already found me so much good stuff, all the hacks and tips and stuff, and we already know we can survive the depths of Hell because we've done it before. You’re tired, I know, I know so well baby, but you don’t need to feel guilty. All you’ve done is bring love and joy into my life, and soon this will all be nothing but a forgotten nightmare and we can focus on growing that love and that joy, right? It’s gonna get better.”

The cries got softer but remained relentless.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you, I’m sorry I’m like this, I’m sorry I’ve made this all so much harder than it already was. I’m sorry. But I’m gonna get better, okay? I’m gonna go to therapy and sort my head out, and I’m gonna do the chemo and sort my body out, and then after that, you and me, we’re gonna sort our souls out and go heal on a sun soaked beach somewhere remote - you said you’d take us to an island in the Pacific the other day, right? Let’s do it! Let’s get better together, yeah? It’ll be okay Josh, we’ll be okay,”

“And my mom, she always puts tabasco in, she swears by it,” Josh always talked about his mom when it came to making her pasta sauce recipe, Tyler must have heard his rendition a thousand times, but he never tired of it. He liked seeing Josh in his happy place.

Josh had an amazing ability to rally. No matter how low he’d been, no matter how hysterical the tears, he could always turn it back around and for someone like Tyler, who often found himself a little too stuck in the ditches he fell in, he relied on Josh’s revival to pull him out.

“Do you want garlic bread? I can whip some up?”
“Could you?”
“Course, easy peasy, we’ve only got sliced bread in the freezer so it’ll have to be with that rather than a baguette, but that’s alright, right?”
“More than alright,” Tyler nodded with an encouraging smile.

His husband’s glass-shredded feet didn’t seem to be bothering him anymore as he waltzed across the kitchen with ease. He’d put on a blue rubber glove from their medical supply cupboard to keep his stitched hand safe from the onions he’d chopped, and he had a smile on his face. It would have been impossible to know how horrific the panic attack had been without witnessing it - Tyler shuddered to think just how bad he must have been when he smashed the kitchen.

“Josh,”
“Yes lover?”
“I really really love you.”
“Well that’s nice to know,” he chuckled, grabbing a bulb of garlic. “Do you love me for my heart? Or my face? Or my garlic bread?”
“All 3, in equal parts,” Tyler smirked back at him.

“Do you wanna come help me out?”
“I’m not sure how much help I’ll be,”
“Oh no, I definitely require the assistance of my most handsome sous chef,” Josh held out his hand for Tyler to take, then helped him to his feet. “If you can keep stirring this, I’ll butter the bread,”
“Sir yes sir,”

The sauce didn’t need to be constantly stirred, Tyler knew that, however he liked Josh building a moment with him, a memory, if the worst were to happen.

Josh stood right beside him, his right hip pressed against Tyler’s left, supportively. It was hard for Tyler to do so much in a day, ordinarily, even before his latest relapse, he spent much of the day on the couch, bored numb by reruns of the same episodes of storage wars and the Big Bang theory. Now his mind and body had to keep up with the rapid and highly intense jerks and jolts of life post re-diagnosis.

His right knee buckled but he managed to save it, grabbing onto the counter with a panicked hand, only a few centimetres away from the boiling pot of pasta.

“Woah, okay poppet, okay, you’re tired, hey?” Josh stood behind him and held his waist.
“I’m okay,”
“I can hold you like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, or I can grab you a chair, or you can go lay down till it’s time to eat? It’s up to you,”
“I’m okay,” he relaxed his head back against Josh’s shoulder and sighed.

Josh held him like that for a minute, then kissed the top of his head.

“Lemme help you lay down?”
“I like being your little Remy,”
“Like in Ratatouille?”
“Yeh!” Tyler nodded slightly against him.
“Isn’t Remy the brains of the operation…?”
“Yep, exactly like us. You’re the one who has 0 skills and I’m the expert driving you forwards,”
“Cheeky so and so,” Josh whispered in his ear, then kissed him again. “Chair?”
“Please,”

He lifted one from the table with one hand like it was weightless and slotted it right where Tyler needed it - it felt good to take the weight off his feet.

“I need to build up my stamina for our wedding slash vow renewal service slash party. I wanna dance the night away and currently my limit is 30 seconds of pasta poking.”
“We have all the time in the world, baby. One thing at a time, hey?”
“I wanna do it as soon as realistically possible,”
“We’re probably looking at at least a year-“ Josh was cut off by his phone ringing. Tyler could tell he went to dismiss it, then hovered for a second once he saw the number. “I’m pretty sure this is the New York team, can I take it?”
“Yeh.”
“One sec,” he picked up the phone and headed out the door.

He stopped stirring when Josh left the room, resting his tired arm and relaxing back in the chair. He was unbelievably tired. He knew things would get so much worse soon, if he was able to do what he needed to do. He knew soon he would crave days where his biggest symptom was moderate tiredness. He knew when he couldn’t stop vomiting from his blistered mouth, he’d look back on pasta sauce stirring fondly and enviously.

Even so, it was hard to be grateful for his level of health with the cancers under his arm and in his neck growing by the minute.

“All done,” Josh came back with a smile.
“S’Quick, not them?”
“No no, it was them - we don’t have to talk about it though darling, we can choose to protect you from triggers in this moment,”
“Bad news?”
“Nope.”
“Can I just know please?”
“It was Dr Cruz, he was the guy I got a second opinion from when you were in the ICU because he’s one of the best cancer doctors around, and he looked at your scans and your labs and he said your case is too simple for his specialist team to take on,”
“That’s, that’s a good thing, right?”
“That’s definitely a good thing baby, yeah, definitely. He thinks it will be easy to treat and he doesn’t think you're at high risk of any complications or complexities. He’s gonna send an email to Dr Lacey saying the same thing and I asked him to cc it to us so you can see for yourself. He was brutally honest last time, he told me, he told me to say goodbye to you the first time I spoke to him basically, uh, yeh, so he’s not just being nice or anything, he really does think this is gonna be plain sailing.”

Tyler smiled. That really was good news. His vision was blurry.

“Are these tears of relief?”
“I don’t know,”
“Okay poppet, okay, it’s overwhelming hey?”
“Uh huh,”
“I think if I had any more tears left in my tank for the day, I’d be right there with you, darling,” Josh crouched by his side and held both his hands. “This rollercoaster isn’t super fun, is it?”
“It’s, I’m, it’s okay, I just, sorry, I know you’ve talked about it before, I, uh, I mean, I, it’s just. I’m sorry they told you to say goodbye.”
“Well I didn’t do it, because I knew my Tyler, and I knew what he's capable of, so I put a ring on it instead and then I sat, and I waited, and I waited, and sure enough you did the impossible and you came back to me,”

Josh kissed Tyler’s ring finger, then the back of his hand, firmly but gently.

“Thank you for not giving up on me.” None of the tears were spilling, but they were making him see double.
“As if that was ever an option.” Josh squeezed his hands. “I know how powerful you are, I know what you’ve survived already, I know what you’ve overcome, I know what immense strength simmers within you. It’s gonna take more than a lil bit of sepsis or a dash of cancer to take you down, yeh?”
“Yeh,”
“You got this. You’re brave, you’re powerful, and you can do anything you set your heart to.”
“I, I can do it.” Tyler sniffed. “Sorry, I just haven’t heard Dr Cruz’s name since everything was really bad. Took me back.”
“That’s okay darling, that’s okay - it’s really good you’re not dissociating, you’ve done super well,”
“I feel like I am a bit,”
“You do?”
“Yeh, it’s, I don’t know, it just feels weird.”
“Okay darling, well, if you can, keep me in the loop about how you’re feeling, and for now we can distract you, hey? I’ll stand right here, helping you out, and together we can make some garlic bread, yeh?”
“Uh huh,”
“Alright baby, good job, I’m right here and I’ve got you, yeh?”

Chapter Text

“I want a proper bed so badly,” Tyler groaned, turning himself over again to avoid the way the sofa bed sagged in some places and poked in others.
“Let’s bribe a bunch of people to bring ours down here,”
“I’ll play the cancer card, guilt them into labouring for us.”
“Oh definitely,” Josh grumbled too, throwing his arm around Tyler in the dark.

Josh’s feet were almost entirely better, the stitches would be out soon, so he could probably manage to climb their stairs now, and Tyler could almost definitely make his way up with minimal breaks, but both of them knew what was coming. Soon Tyler might be so weak he couldn’t keep his head up, let alone tackle the stairs. Swapping their bedroom to the ground floor now, in anticipation, reduced the stress of making the call later on.

“I can’t sleep,” Tyler decided to give up trying. “What time is it?”
“Uh,” Josh reached for his phone. “3.30,”
“I might go sit in the kitchen for a bit,”
“Do you wanna go on a drive?”
“A drive?”
“Yeh, like the old days.”
“You should try sleeping Josh, it’s okay, I’ll just get some water and try and reset myself,”
“I’d like to go on a drive if you would? I’m restless too,”
“Can we actually?”
“Yeh, let’s do it,”
“Yay!”

Josh used to drive Tyler around most nights when the nightmares had last been really bad.

“Don’t move too fast, love, you’re probably not as awake as you think,” Josh crawled out of their makeshift bed at the same time as him. “It’s chilly, so I’m gonna chuck a hoodie over this - do you want one too?”
“Can I take the blanket with me?”
“Heck yeah,”
“I shall wear it like a cape!” He declared, then laughed as he tried to pull it over his shoulders. Josh helped him wrap it around himself, then kissed his forehead.

“Should we bring snacks?”
“Oh yeh! Definitely! We have peanut MnMs right? Or salted pretzels?”
“I say we take both,” Josh grinned. “Do you know where they are?”
“Yep, I’ll grab ‘em,” Tyler walked through to the kitchen independently and flicked the switch, flinching as it flooded the room with light.

He felt excited. Driving around near-empty roads with Josh at his side was one of his favourite things to do, even though they only really did it when he couldn’t sleep or his mind was racing too fast or his flashbacks were haunting him. Still somehow he managed to have a positive association with the activity.

After the sepsis, after the ICU, after the breathing tube, after the painful recovery process and the months in hospital and rehab, and after the final few rounds of chemo once he had a scrap of strength back to get rid of the cancer for a few short years, Tyler didn’t leave the house. He didn’t leave the house sometimes because he physically couldn’t, reliant on Josh moving him around in a wheelchair, or he mentally he couldn’t handle facing the outside world - the only exception being their night rides. Josh used to carry him out to the car and strap him in then drive him up and down the back roads, to the backing music of a playlist he always had to hand. Some nights they’d talk, some nights they’d sing, some nights they’d cry, and some nights there was a blissful silence.

Tyler treasured them all.

“Jees babe, how long are we going for?” Josh laughed when he saw the half dozen snack options Tyler had pulled.
“It’s bulking season baby,”
“Alright alright, but leave the ice cream, I’m not cutting our drive short to avoid it melting,”
“Eughhhhhh, fine, deal,” he put the tub back in the freezer. “My life is soooo hard.”

“Which shoes do you want?”
“Can you grab my crocs please?”
“Here,” Josh set them down in the hall and Tyler popped them on then followed his husband out to the car.

Josh held Tyler’s passenger door open like a gentleman then helped him tuck the trails of the blanket inside the footwell before jumping into the driver’s seat and slowly pulling out onto the quiet suburban road.

“Where to, my king?”
“Can we find a long empty highway?”
“Sure thing - how are your fingers?”
“Shakes are okay, we’ll see about coordination,”
“Could you try plugging my phone in? Then stick on the Road Trip 3 playlist please,”
“Is that the one with all the Bob Dylan,”
“Yessir,”
“Yay, I love that one,”

Tyler had to take the phone, then try and pick up the cord stuffed into the coffee cup holder, then plug one end in the phone and the other into the port, then unlock the phone, then tap an exact spot on the screen. That was hard enough in a moving car with a bunch of snacks balanced in his lap, it was even harder when the damage done to his fine motor skills by the last rounds of chemo had made controlling his digits an awkward and fumbling failure.

He persevered though, and he did it.

“Perfect, thanks love,” Josh always looked so relaxed when he drove, one hand on the wheel, the other fluttering between the stick and Tyler’s thigh. He liked when Josh moved his thumb, or squeezed. “Next test, pop a marshmallow in my mouth?”
“White or pink?”
“Ah! I’m shocked you even need to ask,”
“Pink, of course,” Tyler laughed, digging around for one and then carefully holding it over for his husband to scoff.

He had 2 himself.

“Last time we were out driving at ridiculous o’clock was when we went to get my PICC line fitted,” Tyler pointed out.
“You remember that?” It had only been a few days but Josh knew the waves of dissociation and panic messed with his memory sometimes.
“Not really.”
“Probably for the best, huh?”
“Yeh,” Tyler agreed, eating another marshmallow. “Thank you for always looking after me,”
“You don’t have to thank me, darl,” he squeezed Tyler’s thigh.
“I do, I, I have a lot more to thank you for but that seems a good place to start,”
“It’s my honour and my privilege,”
“It’s a lot messier than you make it sound, it’s not a privilege it’s a pressure. You always have to get your hands dirty down in the mud with me,”
“That’s what you asked of me when we were looking for a therapist - you said I don’t always have to be digging you out, sometimes you just want company in the hole. I’m trying to take that onboard and not always push solutions on you,”
“You’ve been phenomenal Josh, phenomenal, thank you,”

“And just for the record, it’s not a pressure at all. Yes of course I’m motivated to do whatever I can to support you through this, highly motivated, but you’ve never applied an ounce of pressure to me,”
“This is hard on you Josh, it’s okay to admit that,”
“It’s no harder than it is on you. The situation is hard, loving you isn’t hard, caring about you isn’t hard, taking care of you isn’t hard. The circumstances surrounding our relationship are agonising but having you as my husband is easy,”
“I wanna be your husband forever,”
“Oh I think we can make that work,” Josh teased.

“My folks, uh, they, they made it seem like all of that stuff was too hard, was me asking too much,” Tyler didn’t speak about them often.
“Loving you and caring for you?”
“Uh huh. I wouldn’t even want much, I wasn’t asking for the world, you know? Just a scrap. I just wanted scraps. But yeh, I, uh, I remember, uh, I, I, uh, um, uh,”
“You don’t have to tell a story to prove anything to me Ty, they’re rotten and evil and I despise them with every ounce of my being. They made you suffer so much already, don’t suffer now for the sake of telling me a traumatic memory, unless you feel that would be cathartic for you,”

“Was just a hard environment to try and learn about love in,” Tyler played with the dial on the air con to avoid eye contact.
“And yet here you are, the most loving man I’ve ever known. What you’ve survived might always have something of a grip on you, but it certainly hasn’t restricted you Ty, you’re not living within the limits of what they did to you, you’ve somehow, miraculously, managed to expand your world and gain so much peace and tenderness that they never once showed you. You get full credit for all your soft edges that I adore so much,”

Tyler wasn’t hungry anymore.

“I’m, I’m doing okay, aren’t I?”
“You’re blowing me away. It wasn’t so long ago that you didn’t want any treatment-“
“Not with treatment, not, not with any of the health stuff or whatever. I meant as a husband. We can go back to couples therapy if you want someone professional to sort me out, but, uh, I’m, I’m not doing anything, you know, anything wrong? Unhealthy? Inappropriate?”
“I think your response to rediagnosis probably wasn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but we know that, and we’re dealing with it, and we’re making progress, yeah? Otherwise I have no notes,”

“Even before the cancer came back? I wasn’t doing anything too abused-little-boy-ish? The other day you told me not to polarise on you - I haven’t been doing that much have I?”
“No. If we’re having the hard conversations now, I think you might have been dealing with a bout of depression recently, maybe that’s actually physical exhaustion from your relapse, or maybe it’s part of the PTSD, but, uh, I think your energy has been low across the board for a while now Ty. In terms of how you’ve been interacting with me and how things have been between us, I have no notes, no complaints, no hiccups, no nothing. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a husband and you do it so so well.”

“When I wanted to look at the PICC line for the first time, I, uh, yeh, I know I slipped up a bit, saying I hate you and everything,”
“Tincy tiny slip up, less than a minute and nowhere close to as combative as you used to get, then you even apologised in the moment and let me crisis plan with you. I was really impressed, so no, still no notes or complaints,”

“I’ll go to therapy again.” Tyler promised as they turned a corner.
“To help you feel ready for treatment?”
“For the PTSD and the nightmares, and the dissociation, and those rarer outbursts, and, uh, and the depression. Not just for a couple of weeks, maybe months instead, maybe years, I don’t know. I just want to get better - I want to be more resilient and feel happier and find ways to stay optimistic,”
“That sounds amazing Ty, I’m really proud of you,”

“I don’t think I want to cram a bunch of PTSD medical trauma work in before I start chemo, I think I just wanna do it. It’s 12 weeks. Even if they have to sedate me every time, that’s okay, let’s just get it done and get the cancer gone and then we can start the real healing,”
“Once we start the chemo process, we can’t really stop, you appreciate that, right? Like having a couple of infusions then withdrawing because you can’t cope might have negative implications for further treatment,”
“I have to do it all in one then, that’s okay,”
“But is that okay?” Josh pushed.
“No, it’s fucking terrifying, I feel like throwing up, but it has to be okay. I, I, there is far far too much going on up here for me to be better in 5 weeks,”
“You don’t have to be 100% cured babe, maybe just a few tips and pointers might help though? Like even if you only feel 10% better, isn’t that better than nothing?”
“I won’t get that much better, maybe 1%, and is that worth delaying my treatment by a month and potentially letting it grow or spread? Plus I’ve done trauma work before, I’ve done lots and lots of trauma work, and I know how this goes, and it’s not gonna work that fast,”
“You’ve never sought professional help for the dissociation though, that’s new to both of us,”

Tyler opened the bag of pretzels and picked at them for a moment.

“You’re doing really well Ty, I’m, I’m sorry if it feels like I’m always asking for more or I’m always moving the goalposts,” Josh thought he’d upset him.
“No it’s okay, I don’t feel that way. It’s, uh, I dunno, I guess I was just thinking about how to handle what comes next,”
“I ordered that book one of the therapists recommended, it was on Prime so it should be here soon. I’ll read it and see how much reassurance it gives me,”

“The dissociation, it’s, I, it’s not the end of the world, right? Like if I just go through the next traumatic few months with that as a coping mechanism, it’s, it’s not necessarily a bad outcome. The cancer gets treated and I’m not hysterical to the point of potentially hurting myself or anything,”
“We don’t know that Ty, we don’t know anything about dissociation. Maybe the more time you spend out of your body, the stronger that pathway will become, and the more often you’ll end up doing it even after the traumatic exposures are over. Maybe completely avoiding processing anything in the moment will make healing way harder once you start therapy. Maybe you’ll withdraw so much that I’ll have to carry you and dress you and spoon feed you-“
“Just like you did after the sepsis,”
“Just like I did after the sepsis, and, and that’s okay, I know I can do that, I know I have the skills to do that, I just really really don’t want to have to do that again Tyler - I don’t know if my heart can take seeing you like that again,”

“What can I do?” He asked, looking straight forward.
“I’m not really sure, love,” Josh sighed. “I’m not expecting you to have answers, I’m, I’m just sharing one of my many worries,”
“Maybe you should start therapy too?”
“Maybe I will, maybe I will,”
“Seriously though Josh? Maybe you should,”
“Right now an hour a week in a therapist’s chair is too long away from you Ty,”
“I’d be okay,”
“But I wouldn’t, I don’t want to spend a single second apart from you,”
“You know that’s not healthy, right?”
“Once you’re healthy, and I’m reassured I have more than a couple of years with you, then I will find the strength to spend time away. Right now I want every single second I can get with you,”

“I’m gonna get better Josh, I am. I’ll be ringing that no evidence of disease bell in a few short months, I promise,”
“If we’ve only learnt one thing from the past few years, let it be that nothing is ever guaranteed.”
“Josh,”
“Sorry, sorry, I know you really really wanna do it, and I know the doctors all think it’s gonna go well, but I’ve seen this all go wrong before and my anxious heart is refusing to believe it won’t go wrong again.”
“You promised me it wouldn’t go wrong, you promised me!”
“Take a deep breath Ty, sorry, I’m sorry, I’m being irrational because I have some of the bad memories stuck in my brain too. It’s gonna be absolutely fine, we’re just scared, right?”

Tyler did as he suggested and focussed on deep breaths for as long as it took to pull himself back from the ledge. He had to tell himself that Josh didn’t know anything about their future either, he was also worried, he was also traumatised, and he was also catastrophising. Tyler had to remind himself that whenever he got scared, Josh would be there to comfort him and convince him it wasn’t as bad as it seemed - it was only right he should do the same for Josh.

“We can do it, I know we can. I’ve been way better with some of the things I thought I would struggle with - remember my scan? I didn’t even dissociate till hours later. And my PICC line, I’m way way better with the flushes now than I was when I first got it. I’m able to have these conversations with you when originally I was avoiding them at any cost. I brought up the bell a second ago, even though after my last round of chemo I was too weak to ring it so you had to do it for me and that’s a really sad memory for me. I know I’m not well, I know this is all definitely going to be very scary for me and for us, but I also know I do have enough grit in me to see me through to the other side,”

Josh nodded with a pursed smile.

“You don’t have to be responsible for me by yourself Josh. You have an amazing family and we have incredible friends who can be a support for both of us through this, whether that be emotionally or practically-“
“You don’t always feel safe with other people in the house Ty, I’m sure that’s only going to be magnified when you’re being pushed to your limit. Having everyone we know piling into the house and surrounding us might make this harder,”
“I’m relaxed around your parents,”
“There was the incident-“
“One time, that’s it. I'm, I can be relaxed with them.”

A few years ago Josh’s mom caught Tyler in a bad moment and he’d mistaken her for someone he really didn’t want to be seeing, so ran and padlocked himself in the shed. It took Josh almost 12 hours to coax him out and nearly a month before he left the house again.

“I can take people being around me, especially when they’re making it easier for you. We’ve had people helping us before, remember when Lola and Jess used to come and cook for us, and Hugh mowed the grass and made sure the flowers bloomed tall enough for me to see from our bed, and Dan and Andy would deep clean the house once a week, and your mom always did our laundry, and, and a million other hands helping out. Maybe some days I’ll be overwhelmed, like infusion days, or the really bad side effect days, but I highly doubt it will be 3 continuous months of me being that highly triggered. You’ll have support I promise - I’m not expecting you to do this alone.”

“I’m sorry for being negative,”
“You’re being honest, which is only a positive for me,” Tyler tried to reassure him. “I’m sorry if I’ve built a dynamic where I’m the only one who’s allowed to be honest about being scared.”
“I just wanna be strong for you,”
“You never had to worry about that Josh, never, you have all the strength I could ever need in your little finger, and you wield it so well. You’re not just strong, you’re also attentive, and that’s exactly what I need. You’re perfect,”
“I’m not,”
“You’re perfect to me,” Tyler reached over and tousled Josh’s hair, hand lingering on the base of his neck for a moment.

“This was supposed to be a relaxing drive to get you to sleep tonight,”
“I’ll sleep a whole lot easier knowing you’re not hiding your darker thoughts from me,”
“I’m never hiding them, I, sometimes I feel like it’s better to wait till the right moment to voice them, and sometimes it takes a while to find that moment and a few days or weeks have passed and then I end up deciding it’s better to move on rather than drag old negativity up,”
“That kinda approach is okay if you’re, I dunno, if you’re annoyed at me for not taking the trash out but actually I’m having a breakdown or something, yeh, then maybe it’s best to wait. But stuff about your worries or your mental health, that stuff is always appropriate to talk to me about Josh. You’d never want me to hide something like that,”

Josh sighed.

“I think sometimes it’s hard for me to put us on the same playing field, yanno? Like, I, god I don’t even know how to put this. Sometimes, and it’s not about you necessarily, it’s more about me, but sometimes it feels like we’re in different leagues. You have so much to be contending with, so much shit you’ve had to endure, and here I am, I’ve had a happy healthy life since birth, the very first hiccup I encounter, which isn’t even happening to my body, it’s happening to yours, and I can’t cope. You’ve been through so much pain Ty, so much pain, and in this shared period of stress, sometimes I find it hard to justify asking you for help. You’re the one who deserves the help and the support and the-“
“No. Nope. I haven’t somehow earned it more than you because I got mistreated as a kid, that’s not how this works Josh. We’re both deserving of support,”
“Logically and rationally I know that, then I open my mouth to say something I’m feeling and I choke because all of a sudden I’m reminded of all you’ve been through and I feel physically unwell at the thought of adding a burden to your load,”

“You really scared me last week, you know, when I found you hysterical in the kitchen covered in your own blood. Not dealing with things doesn’t mean they fade away magically, it means they build up until they bubble over, and now you’ve got 2 dozen stitches keeping you together. Please Josh, talk to me so it doesn’t get to that again. If not me, your parents, or your siblings, or your friends, or a professional. Your husband has cancer again, not only are you allowed to be upset and scared about that, you’re also allowed to get help for yourself,”

“I am okay, Ty. I’m scared but I’m okay,”
“You told me you’d kill yourself if my treatment doesn’t work.”
“I’m, I’m okay,”
“Do you wanna pull over somewhere? I can give you a hug?”
“No really, I am okay,”
“Josh, you can’t have a destructive breakdown and a horrible panic attack and admit to being suicidal and also try to convince me you’re okay all in the same week,”
“I only feel myself slipping that way when I think of losing you. You’re here so I’m happy,” Josh squeezed Tyler’s thigh again with a smile he couldn’t trust.

“Get some help?”
“We’ll get you all fixed up and then-“
“Will you at least spend some time with your brother or something?”
“Ty, you don’t need to worry about me,”
“No, you don’t want me to worry about you, they're not the same thing,”
“This is why I didn’t wanna say anything, I don’t want you worrying,”
“Josh, you’re my husband, I’m always going to care about you and sometimes that’s gonna take the form of concern, especially in situations like this,”
“I just hate this,” he sighed heavily.

“Neither of us wanna worry the other, right? Neither of us wanna be a burden to each other, neither one of us wants to make it harder for the other, and neither one of us finds it especially easy to be vulnerable, but we need to come up with a solution that’s better than both of us being stubborn and letting ourselves suffer,” Tyler watched the road ahead of them.
“We’re husbands and we trust each other in terms of we know we’ll always love each other, right? I just sometimes struggle to trust you’ll be able to cope with everything you’re giving me permission to put on you,”
“That’s a nice way to put it,”
“I love you and I love that you’re always open to my honesty, and my honest opinion is that sometimes you lack awareness of your limits. You want to be everything I’ve ever needed and that’s a testament to what an amazing husband you are, however things have happened to you, horrible unspeakable things, and that impacts the capacity you have to handle even more things on your plate. You would love to help me and to carry this load for me, I see that baby, I also see how much weight you already have to lug up this colossal mountain we have ahead of us and I would hate for my addition to be what stops you from getting to the summit,”

“I hate that things that happened to me as a kid are still impacting me and the people I love.”
“I hate it too darling, I hate it too. Remember that’s not your fault,”
“I know, it’s still my responsibility to heal the wounds though,”
“You’re up for therapy, yeah?”
“Yeah, I’ll start and you should start and maybe we could try couples therapy again too? They can help us figure out how to navigate something like this,”

“How about I do some research on a provider for me, maybe there’s someone who will do Zoom calls or phone calls or something remote and that way I can just pop in the next room whilst my dad or someone is taking care of you, and if I’m needed then I can be with you in literally 5 seconds. That way I don’t have to pull myself away,”
“That sounds really really good Josh, I’m so proud of you, that’s an excellent plan,”
“Do you want to start soon too? Or are you still thinking about waiting till you’re done with chemo?”
“Well none of those people wanted to see me last time we looked,”
“That was when we needed them to have you ready for treatment in a very narrow time frame with very high associated risks, if you’re now feeling able to attempt chemo regardless of their input, I’m sure lots of therapists would be happy to work with you.”
“Maybe pre-treatment we read that book and we see an expert on dissociation to learn more about it as a coping mechanism, then I take a break whilst I’m actually having the chemo so I have less to be stressed about and can rest as much as I need, then once I’m all clear, I’ll start therapy,”
“Okay, let’s reach out to someone,”

Chapter Text

“Deep breaths, 30 more seconds then we’re all done, keep still for me baby,”

Rationally Tyler knew Josh had to change the dressing on his PICC line and flush it with saline to keep it clean and functioning. His scared irrational brain was telling him Josh was going to first push the line further into his heart and puncture the walls, then inject the fluid that made his nerves shred and his mouth blister and his stomach flip.

Josh had to keep one very firm hand on his wrist to keep him as still as possible.

“I know you hate this bit but once it’s done then we’re done angel,”
“Aaah,”
“I know darling, I know, you’re doing so well,”

He knew he was dissociating because he couldn’t feel Josh’s grip, he couldn’t feel the force or the pressure or the fussing at his site. He couldn’t keep track of where his body ended and the world around him started. He barely recognised the sounds that kept leaking out as his own.

“Flush is all done, it’s all done.”

His eyes were open but he couldn’t see anything but a painting of the world, only hearing the sound of Josh putting all the wrappers in the medical trash container they kept under the sink.

“That was the best one yet, you’re amazing Ty,” he seemed to kiss something on Tyler’s face but he couldn’t tell where. “Do you want to go and lie down?”

He couldn’t recall answering. He couldn’t recall how to speak.

“Okay bubba, I’ll carry you,” Josh scooped up a sack of meat and bones with a catheter hanging from a stray limb. “You did so well, so so well,”

Tyler felt something underneath him. A bed. It was reassuring to feel anything at all.

“Here, lemme sort these pillows out, hey?” The fluffy things under his head were pillows, and the soft gentle face hovering above his own was Josh. He could recognise him. “How’s that? All comfy?”
“Yeh,”
“Perfect, my love,” his husband stroked all the hair off Tyler’s face.

“All done?”
“Yep, you’re all done pickle, and I popped your sleeve back down so there’s absolutely nothing to see. I think I lost you for a moment back there but you’re doing an ace job of calming yourself down and grounding yourself - I’m so proud of you,”
“Yeah,”
“Yeah, my brave husband,”

He knew he was dissociating, he was well aware of the sensation by now, yet even that wasn’t enough to snap him out of it. A haze had settled in and no amount of force would push it back, instead he had to try and not thrash too violently so as to avoid tightening its grip.

“Do you want to try one of the exercises?” Josh had had another session of intense research which resulted in 17 printed pages of tips and tricks. “We could try the 5 senses game? Or focused sight? Or I can get some frozen peas for you to hold? Or together we could try a little bit of physical exercise? Or I’ll help you onto the carpet to do the snow angels like one of the websites said? There’s lots we can do if you’re not enjoying this feeling, or this lack of feeling, Ty,”
“S’ice,”
“It’s nice? If it’s helping you cope then you stay in your bubble all day long, my love,”
“Ice,”
“Ice, gotcha, lemme grab you something cold and we’ll see how that helps, hey?”

He hadn’t been drunk in a long long time, not since he’d first been diagnosed, however the sensation felt similar to a drunken trip to a bathroom, feeling the walls and the mirrors shifting and refusing to obey their logical position whilst his brain spun and struggled to keep up with the environment. The world was faltering and it was too much to comprehend.

“I got frozen mixed veg - peas, sweet corn, carrots, and green beans - and an ice pack. If you’d like an actual ice cube to suck on or something then I’ll get one, for now the website recommended just holding them though. It’s up to you.”
“My hands.”
“Yessir, as you request,” Josh balanced them on the ends of Tyler’s upper limbs.

They brought a pressure to Tyler’s body, a specific and highly identifiable sensation that he could use to calibrate where exactly he was. He knew where his hands were, and he knew he was on a bed, and he knew Josh was with him.

“Josh,”
“Yes my sweet prince?”
“Feet,”
“Would you like the ice on your feet now?”
“Um, h, hold? Rub?”
“Oh you want a foot massage now, hey? Go on then,”

In a matter of seconds there was more input for his mind to try and place. Like a smart board that didn’t line up with its marker, Tyler was resetting his notion of where he ended and the world began by clicking those little icons with ice and compression. Josh was helping him redefine his edges and it made inhabiting his body a whole lot easier.

The cold was becoming painful so he slipped his hands from under the frozen items and brought them to his face, covering his closed eyes for a moment.

“If you have any other aches, I can have a go at them? My stitches don’t come out of my hand till tomorrow but if a back massage would help, I’m more than willing to try,”
“I’m okay,”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,”

Josh rubbed his shin fondly, before getting back to work on his feet.

“I like that way.”
“The ice works?”
“Uh huh,”
“I’m so glad Ty, that’s really good to know,”
“Wasn’t a bad one though,”
“No it didn’t seem too tricky for you, you coped really really well darling,”

“I, I don’t think I’m quite right yet,” things still felt crackly.
“That’s okay, I’m not expecting such a rapid turnaround.”
“I’m here but I’m, I’m, it’s, I’m off,”
“Well we have nothing else to do for the rest of the day, so we can take as long as you need to help you settle entirely. We can try more exercises if you’d like? Or maybe we let your brain ride the wave and turn off the defences once you’re comfortable there’s no threats about. Both ways are good ways,”

“I like the foot rub,”
“Is this grounding you? Or are you just taking advantage of me,” Josh teased.
“Little bit of both,” Tyler managed a chuckle.

“I, I feel,” Tyler’s hand fluttered up to his jerky chest. “I can’t breathe,”
“Hey hey, you’re okay, he’ll be home soon, you can do this,” Jordan stood up from his chair and walked over to the windowsill Tyler was sitting on, watching the street for any sign of Josh’s car.

It was time for the stitches he’d needed after the incident in the kitchen to be removed from his hand and feet. Tyler didn’t go with him, he couldn’t, and he also couldn’t be left alone with thoughts of the hospital occupying his mind, so his brother in law had been drafted in for babysitting duties.

“Why’s it taking so long? Wh-what if something happened?”
“Like what? What could possibly have happened, hey?”
“M-maybe he got an infection, maybe, maybe it’s really bad, maybe he’s turned septic-“
“Maybe you’re projecting your own experience onto him a little there,” Jordan smiled softly. It was an obvious fact.

“I know the odds of complications at this point are low, but the odds of me having cancer 3 times at my age are pretty darn low too and yet here I am.”
“We don’t need to only allow probability and luck to direct us, we can also use other signposts, like reminding ourselves that he had 0 symptoms when he left, he’s got 0 history of any medical problems at all, the local hospital are nationally regarded-“
“I was always healthy until I wasn’t, I had a good hospital, I-“
“You’ve had more than your fair share of bad luck, in fact I’d say you’ve soaked up all the bad luck that’s come flying at this marriage and you’ve directed it all away from Josh. There’s no bad luck left over for him. He’s absolutely fine.”
“What if he’s not??”

“Should we call him?” Jordan suggested.
“No, no I don’t want him stressed,”
“He won’t want you stressed either,”
“No because he already told me he doesn’t like being away from me, I wanted him to get therapy and he said no initially because it’s too long apart - eventually he said yes to remote therapy but if he knows I’m struggling with being apart from him already then he’s gonna get upset too and then he’ll cancel therapy and then he won’t get better!”
“How about a quick text? From my phone? I won’t say it’s you asking, I’ll just check in with him?”
“Um,”
“We can write it together so you can give your approval,” his brother in law unlocked his phone and formed a message. “Hey bud, hope everything’s going well, any idea of an ETA back home?”
“What’s ETA?”
“Estimated time of arrival - I can change it if you don’t like it?”
“No no, send it. Please.”
“Done,” Jordan smiled reassuringly.

Tyler stared out the window again.

“Is it easier to breathe?”
“A bit,”
“We can try doing something to distract you? Help the time pass faster?”
“I, I have to watch, I have to see him drive up so I know he’s okay.”

“Ty,”
“Hmm?”
“How’s he doing? My brother,”
“He’s always absolutely fine until suddenly he’s not. He never admits to feeling medium or mixed. He tells me he’s absolutely fine and loving me is the easiest thing in the world and he’s totally confident my treatment will work, then next thing he’s having horrendous panic attacks.”
“Does he say why he’s panicking?”
“Me.”
“He blames you?”
“No, he’d never confess that, but it’s always me. He freaks himself out by imagining life without me, or he gets scared by memories of what I used to be like when I was really sick, or he’s overwhelmed by the pressure of convincing me to go through with treatment. Basically if I wasn’t like this, he wouldn’t be suffering so much,”
“But you said he’s agreed to therapy?”
“Yeh, I’m not sure he’s fully convinced by the idea so I wouldn’t be surprised if he backtracked - like I said, he already admitted he feels alarmed at the thought of being away from me even for the length of a therapy session because he thinks my clock is ticking and he doesn’t have long left with me.”

“I’m sorry he said that Ty, he, that’s the pessimism in him, the part that always presumes the worst - you’ve got a long lifetime ahead of you,”
“Maybe.” Tyler couldn’t break eye contact with the reflection staring back at him through the window. “He’s gonna kill himself if I can’t do the chemo.”
“No he won’t.”
“Yes he will, he told me.”
“Fuck,”
“If my next scan isn’t better than my last, will you move in with us? Or force Josh to move in with his parents? Or find him some kind of facility?”
“Don’t you worry, I’m not letting him do anything to himself, okay?
“He, he’ll, he won’t be forthcoming with that kinda information, he’s always fine until he’s not, and I need support for him in place before he suddenly switches to being actively suicidal. I’m, I can’t, I, I’m not able to look after him,”
“You don’t need to take on that responsibility Tyler, you need to be as relaxed and calm and peaceful as possible. You need an environment conducive for healing, and constantly worrying about your husband doesn’t fit that requirement.”
“Josh constantly worries about me.”

Jordan’s phone buzzed.

“It’s him. Hey, all finished up here, in the queue to get my parking validated and then I’ll be on my way back, so hopefully home before the hour’s up. How’s Ty?”
“Ask how it went,”
“I’ll say See you soon, Tyler’s keen for reassurance that everything went well.”
“Say I’m okay but I want reassurance,”
“See you soon, Tyler’s okay but keen for reassurance that everything went well.” Jordan read what he’d typed, then pressed send once Tyler nodded.

Tyler knew his husband wasn’t about to pull up outside their house. That didn’t stop him looking.

“I know it’s hard to talk about this stuff but I have to ask, are, is, uh, are things healthy between you and Josh?”
“Healthy? What do you mean healthy?”
“In the past I know couples’ therapy was a really big help for both of you-“
“Are you asking if I’m lashing out at him? Like I used to when things with my PTSD behaviours were really bad?”
“Or maybe he’s lashing out at you, or it’s getting too codependent, or you can’t handle all the heaviness between the pair of you. I’m not asking just about your actions, I’m asking generally, is this a healthy relationship from your perspective?”
“I don’t have much experience with healthy functioning relationships of any kind. Maybe I’m the wrong person to be asking.”
“Are you able to tell whether you and Josh make each other’s lives better? Or is that kinda insight something that’s tricky for you,”
“He makes my life better. I can’t speak for him, but somehow I doubt he’d say the same,” Tyler whispered. “I’ve not been snapping, or, or as hostile, or combative. As my old therapist would say, I’m living less in the black and white and more in the grey.”
“That’s really good Ty, really good, well done,”

“What did he tell you?”
“He hasn’t replied yet,”
“No I don’t mean the text, I mean about why we went to couples’ therapy,”
“He's always been very protective of you and your relationship, never wanting to gossip or divulge too much, however he mentioned that sometimes, through no fault of your own, you would have episodes where you tried to push him away. He always explained it to me through the lens of your childhood, why you have these defence mechanisms, why they were being triggered again, all of that - he wasn’t moaning, he was sharing, which I hope you’ll agree is healthy.”
“He should know he can talk to you about anything, and he doesn’t have to be polite about it. Sometimes I’m really nasty to him and he’s always patient and understanding but he’s a human and he’s allowed to vent. If he said to me half the crap I say to him, I’d be bitching and moaning till my voice is gone.”
“You’re not an asshole though, you’re a man who has suffered relentlessly. If you were telling him you hate him for no reason then I’d be tearing you apart and telling him to leave you, that’s not the situation though, the situation is a man who has suffered but is doing the work to get better and is allowed to be imperfect,”

“I really love him.”
“I know you do. He really loves you too.”
“I’m, I’m trying to be a good husband,”
“You are a good hus-“
“I’m not, even on my best days I’m not. I don’t-“ Tyler stopped when Jordan’s screen lit up.
“He says tell Tyler the nurse told me it was a textbook healing. My hand is perfect and the scar is barely visible, my foot where the glass got stuck is a little painful but the nurse got a doctor who said a few more days of rest and elevation and it should be fine, and the other foot is perfect. No complications and no follow up appointment needed. Tell him I love him and I miss him!”
“Can you tell him I love him and miss him too?”
“Of course,”

Tyler sighed.

“I do talk to Josh about this sometimes, um, I just, I feel really unlovable a lot of the time. I look at myself and I think, what do I bring to the table? I’ve got a complex childhood with a whole bunch of chaos hidden behind doors, PTSD, insomnia, probably a dissociative disorder, probably depression, let’s be honest probably BPD or something too, then I’ve had cancer twice already and now I’ve got it again, I don’t have any good coping mechanisms, I don’t have any structure or support in my life, I don’t, I don’t, I’m not good at anything. I'm not good at anything. Then I look at Josh who is the most patient loving charming brilliant man, and it just doesn’t make sense. He deserves better.”
“I think after all you’ve been put through, you deserve someone who can love you without a hitch.”
“Like I’m a damsel in distress and he’s my knight in shining armour,”
“Something like that,” Jordan smiled. “Seriously though, Josh is imperfect too, he has flaws he needs to work on that require your patience, and just as you’re largely blind to that or you don’t let it cloud your love for him, he’s largely blind to your self-perceived weaknesses and he doesn’t let them disrupt his love for you. You don’t have to be perfect to be loveable,”
“I’m a looong way from perfect though. Too far away.”
“Maybe perfect doesn’t exist.” Jordan shrugged.

“It comes from my parents. My mother showed me I was unlovable. She showed me no matter what I try, I’ll never deserve compassion or kindness or even neutrality, I’m only built for pain. That was a long time ago and Josh has been chipping away at that block in my soul, some days I’m overwhelmed with love, then other days the lessons my mom forced upon me sit a little heavier and it gets a little harder to remind myself that I’m allowed to let myself be surrounded and touched by love. I do, I do, somedays I do feel loveable, I do love being a husband, I love loving Josh, I love being loved by Josh, but when bad things happen then yeah, I’m right back where I was,”

“You’ve not always been that insightful or self aware, at least I’ve never heard you talk so calmly and so knowledgeably about how you behave as a result of something you often can’t even refer to without panicking. That’s a sign of progress, hey? And if you’re making progress, who knows where you might end up?”
“Progress isn’t linear, that’s another one from my old therapist. She’d describe how it can be up and down and slow and fast, and maybe tomorrow is a bad day, as long as the overall trend is in the right direction, I must be doing something right.”
“And you think the trend is getting better?”
“Probably overall, yeah,”
“I’m just saying, you’re capable of progress whilst reeling from the news that you’re going to be fighting cancer for the third time, imagine how fast you’ll be able to heal your mind and soul once you don’t have to contend with any physical stuff,”
“Maybe. That’s skipping a lot of steps.”

“You’re still gonna get the chemo, right? Not changed your mind back?”
“I want to, sometimes my brain has other ideas.”
“The blackouts?”
“The blackouts, and the unintentional aggression, and a bunch of other avoidance techniques - I dare say my panicking head will come up with a few more between now and my first treatment day,”
“And when is your first treatment?”
“Josh hasn’t scheduled it yet. It’s not his job, it should be mine, but I can’t.”
“Why hasn’t he?”
“I think he still wants me to try trauma therapy first, and I think a part of him is avoiding it too because he doesn’t want to see how sick and scared it’s going to make me.”
“Tell me if I’m overstepping, but should I suggest to him that it’s time to open the diary and pick a date?”

Tyler’s chest cramped.

“We have to do the hard thing at some point.”
“Then it’s real. Then it’s not a hypothetical.”
“You can always cancel and reschedule, right up until the very last second. It’s not a concrete fact, but it is a guide for your head to wrap around.”

The walls felt close.

“Should I stop talking about it?”
“Yes please.”

Chapter Text

“Maybe I’ve just been sitting funny,”
“Do you think a gentle walk might loosen your muscles up a little bit?”
“I’m so tired,”
“Just up and down the garden? We don’t have to,”
“O-okay, but you’ll come?”
“As if I’d ever choose to be apart from you,” Josh hopped up with ease, then held out a hand for Tyler to shakily take.

His body was hurting. Not just the spots where the cancers pulsed, his entire body. It was as if he could already feel his unused muscles dying.

“Here, does it help more when I hold you like this?”
“Yeh,” Tyler felt more stable when Josh tucked one arm around his waist and took half his weight, but there were still painfully sharp sensations penetrating through the deepest cores of his bones with every step.
“Take it as slow as you need to, this isn’t cardio, this is a bit of a stretch for your legs, that’s it,” that meant Tyler was walking slowly. He felt like he’d been moving fast, he was obviously mistaken.

“It just really hurts,”
“Too much?”
“Uh huh, I think so,” Tyler nodded with suddenly tearful vision after just a few steps across the kitchen tiles.
“Okay lovebug, alright, good try. How about we make the most of my stitch free hand and I give you a massage instead, hey?”
“I don’t think I can make it to the bed,”
“That’s what I’m here for,” Josh kissed his temple delicately then scooped him in his arms, bridal style.

It took him 5 seconds to carry Tyler the rest of the way.

Jordan and Josh had worked together to carry their bed downstairs so they didn’t have to spend another night on the sofa pullout. It had been hard work, disassembling parts of the frame, navigating the mattress down the turn in the staircase, and trying to put it all back together again, however neither of them complained. Tyler sat on the couch the whole time, useless.

Potentially they could have continued trying to use the upstairs bedroom until it was completely impossible, however they’d learnt from the last time Tyler was sick that it was better for everyone if they moved downstairs. That meant Josh could always be close by, even when nipping to the kitchen or to answer the door, and he didn’t have to carry Tyler as far from the car when they got home from treatment, plus on those rare days when Tyler could manage some independence he wasn’t confronted with the risk of the stairs. He missed being close to the bath, but they at least had a shower downstairs and a shower chair Josh kept in the cupboard to be discreet, and if he was desperate and Josh’s back would allow it, they could always make the trip back upstairs.

It was logical to live downstairs now. It was easier for Josh. It was the right decision. It still chilled Tyler to his bones to see their bed back in the living room again for the first time in over 2 years, because it meant the chemo was coming back too.

“Do you want me to find some painkillers?”
“I’m okay, I’m, it’s, I’m, I sat on the windowsill with my body twisted for like half an hour, and then I stayed upright on the couch even though I wanted to lay down because I didn’t want to look lazy whilst Jordan and you were working so hard, and I just pushed myself too far holding those positions, that’s all. It’s nothing bad.”
“You’re in pain, let me help somehow?” Josh tucked Tyler’s hair behind his ear.
“Please don’t touch my hair.”
“Sorry, sorry,”
“I don’t want medicine,”
“Okay love, you don’t have to have any. Would a massage help? Or does the thought of pressured touch make you want to cry?”
“Will you be gentle?”
“I was planning on being super rough, just jamming my elbow in you like a WWE fighter,” he teased with a smile. “Of course I’ll be gentle, baby. Of course. And I’ll adjust or stop whenever you need,”
“Yes please.”

Jordan had brought down their bedside cabinet too, so Josh pulled out the little bottle of oil then knelt on the bed.

“Can I take your top off?”
“Uh huh,”
“Okay my sweet prince, maybe close your eyes if you’re not in the right headspace to see your arm,” his ability to cope with the turmoil of seeing his PICC line was severely diminished when he was in pain, so he did as Josh suggested and squeezed his eyes closed as his husband took off his sweater.

“Can you roll to your front?” Josh’s request so accurately echoed that of the physical therapist at his inpatient rehabilitation facility following his ICU stay. “I can help you, or I can just lay down next to you if you’re in too much pain to be moving,”
“Can we just, just snuggle for a minute?”
“There’s nothing I’d rather be doing, my love,” his husband crawled onto the mattress next to him so Tyler could rest his head against his chest and be enveloped by his strong arms.

“I love you, Josh,”
“I love you too, so stinking much,” he kissed Tyler’s forehead softly. “Is it the pain? Or is it something more?”
“I’m scared the pain is the cancer spreading.”
“It’s from sitting up and watching all afternoon, hey? It’s not cancer, it’s not anything to be worried about, it’s just muscle aches that are completely normal following something someone finds strenuous, yeah?”
“Why does sitting hurt this bad,”
“Because this little body of yours, that tries so hard, and I love so much, is kinda stupid sometimes,”

That made Tyler laugh for a brief second.

“If it would make you feel better, we can go down to the hospital and get a scan so we know for sure. Something tells me that wouldn’t make you feel better though, hey?”
“I don’t want a scan, but, uh, but I think it’s nearly time, Josh,”
“Nearly time for what darling?”
“Chemo.”

Josh’s nervous swallow was loud against Tyler’s ear.

“I’ll call the clinic in the morning,”
“Can you call now?”
“They’ve probably closed their scheduling desk, I can try?”
“Please.”
“What date should I ask for? When do you wanna start?”
“As soon as possible,”
“If they had an 8am slot tomorrow morning, you’d want it?”
“Yeh.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“100%, I’m, I’m ready. Right now it feels like anticipation is gonna kill me more than the cancer. I get it if you don’t feel ready-“
“No no no, I’m ready too, I want you in treatment, I’m absolutely ready,”
“It’s okay if you’re not,”
“I, I’ll need to go to the store and buy all the stuff we need, the crackers and ginger beer and everything for your nausea, and some of that cream for your hands, and I’ll need to pack your hospital bag, and order-“
“It’s really unlikely I’ll actually start at 8am tomorrow, we’ll have time, and if I have to go a few days without hand cream then that’s not the end of the world.”
“Not the end of the world, no, however it would be avoidable suffering that I haven't prevented and when there's so few things I could be doing to make this even a tiny bit less shit, I want to be doing them all perfectly.”

Tyler’s neck ached, and when he twisted he could feel the way his skin tugged differently from normal to compensate for the lumps growing in his lymph nodes. Regardless, he twisted so he could hold eye contact with his husband.

“Josh,”
“Hmm?”
“You don’t have to perfect all the time to be what I need,”
“I know that,”
“Do you?”

He clenched his lips together.

“You let me fuck up and fall short all the time. Allow yourself the same permission to be a human being, Josh,”
“I fuck up all the time, but this, this needs to go well or potentially I’ll lose you. I can’t afford any mistakes or transgressions now,”
“I’m gonna get better, I am.”
“That’s the plan, and I’m proud of you for committing to that plan because I know how much suffering you're choosing the endure in order to receive the end result, and it's my job to execute the plan now-”
“Why’s it your job?”
“Because I'm your husband,”
“Well in case you forgot, I’m your husband too, we’re equals-“
“And right now the burden is entirely on you. I’m rebalancing the scales and taking some of that burden off your back and onto mine. I can’t assume the cancer, I can’t receive the treatments on your behalf, I can’t take the side effects for you, I can’t, I can’t make so much of your suffering go away, but I can keep the house stocked with crackers and hand cream. Thank you for being gentle with me and taking the pressure off, but I’m not about to have another breakdown or anything, I just want to do what I can for you,”

“Please can you call them for me?”
“Of course.”

“Thursday, 10am,”
“Oh wow, that’s pretty soon hey,”
“2 days and 19 hours,” Josh confirmed for his parents whilst Tyler huddled under a blanket next to him on the couch, saying nothing.

“And how often are the infusions again?”
“Basically weekly, there’s this Thursday, next Thursday, the following Thursday and Friday, then just Thursday again, and it repeats like that 3 times over. Plus he has some pills we’ll take at home, steroids and nausea meds and stuff to keep him strong, but we’re not super concerned about managing that, are we honey,” Josh’s hand kept stroking Tyler’s leg, but he couldn’t reply. His in-laws understood.

“If you need me or Mom to help with anything, driving you to the hospital or cleaning the house whilst you’re at the appointments, we’ll of course step up,”
“Thank you, we’ll let you know. I think for now we’re not gonna tell many people the specifics except my side of the family because we don’t want a bunch of people sticking their nose in when we know how hard this is gonna be. Our friends are obviously still keen to lend a hand but if we start spreading the exact times and dates then, as bad as this sounds, we might have people showing up unexpectedly to do good deeds-“
“And you want to keep things as controlled and predictable as possible,” Josh’s Mom finished his thought.
“Exactly. Surprise balloons and casseroles after appointments used to be really helpful but I think this time privacy and room to breathe is gonna be most useful, for both of us,”

Josh was talking about Tyler. It would be best for Tyler if they isolated themselves. Josh did best when surrounded by friends and loved ones, because that was how he was raised and that was how he relaxed. He was sacrificing his supports in order to support Tyler.

“You can always be honest and blunt with us, if you need us out - even right now - then tell us and we’ll go without offence or resentment.” Bill reassured them.
“I wouldn’t want to cause any upset again, Tyler I still feel dreadful about when I scared you into hiding in the shed that-“
“It’s okay Mom, we don’t need to talk about it again right now, it’s okay, we’re okay, we just don’t want to be overwhelmed,”
“Of course, of course,”

Tyler could hear everything they said, he wanted to reassure his mother in law that it wasn’t her fault her mere existence could trigger him into an unfathomable level of panic. He wanted to apologise for the guilt that put on her shoulders, but the dissociative haze was too strong to fight through.

“So we’ll stand back until we’re invited to do otherwise, anything else we can do?”
“Uh, keep your phones on you in case we ever need to reach you?”
“We always do, kiddo. I’ll send over some money-“
“No Dad, it’s okay-“
“Nope, neither of you have been able to work for a long time now, you have expenses that are not your fault, your mom and I-“
“Insurance is paying for nearly everything and we have about a quarter of the money left over from all the fundraisers we did for Ty’s rehab last time. We can afford this-“
“You can afford it right now, you have no idea how long it will be until you’re able to work again, you have no idea what future c-“
“Dad, I don’t want your money.”
“Well, son, to be frank-“
“Stop fighting.” Tyler whispered.
“We’re okay baby, we’re okay, you’re okay, everyone’s okay. We’re just being prideful, we’re not really fighting, there’s no tension, just silly people being silly, right Dad?” Josh rushed to soothe him, understanding how upsetting any kind of conflict could be for Tyler, and understanding the significant amount of effort it took for him to use his voice.

“There’s no anger here Tyler, we’re sorry it came across differently. Josh is right, we’re being daft, but there’s no aggression and no danger here,” Bill tried to reassure him as well. “You’re safe.”
“You’re safe, yeah, you’re safe, and you're loved, and you’re alright; we’re alright.” Josh kissed his hand gently. At least Tyler thought it was his hand, it was hard to tell what was what in the blur.

“So we need things to feel safe, and calm. Is there anything else either of you can think of in terms of how we can be a help or a hindrance?” Laura moved the conversation forwards.
“I need to sort the details but, uh, I’m, I’m probably gonna be starting therapy soon?”
“Oh good for you honey, good for you,”
“I’m gonna do it via Zoom so I won’t be gone for long, I’ll probably just go upstairs or next door or something, but if someone could sit with Ty, that would be helpful,”
“Absolutely we can do that sweetheart, happily,”
“I’ll wait until we’re a little more knowledgeable about how each drug is gonna impact him, that way I can schedule my appointment for a low side effect day, and his treatment plan is repeating cycles so we should be able to predict it kinda well, we’ll see, then I’ll book something in for his best day,”
“Book for his second best day, that way you can have the lowest symptom day together to spend quality time with one another,”
“That’s a nice idea Mom but, uh, yanno, we’re not gonna be heading to Disney world anytime soon.”
“I know darling, I know, you can still enjoy each other’s company, even if that’s time spent laying in bed all day. It’s only a suggestion anyways - however you two want to navigate this, Dad and I are fully supportive,”
“Thank you, both of you, thanks,”

“Therapy,” Bill began. “As in psychological treatment?”
“Yeh, uh, tryna avoid another breakdown like the one in the kitchen, and, you know, it’s been an emotional few years, and I’m trying to set a good example,” Josh was quieter with the last phrase.
“He’s still resisting?”
“He’s willing to work on it once he has the strength, which I think is entirely fair enough, I’m just hoping he’s not gonna be this dissociated, or worse, for the entirety of the next 12 weeks.”

Tyler hoped so too.

“Have any of the books you ordered on dissociation arrived yet?”
“Got 2 through this morning but I haven’t had a chance to crack them open yet. I dare say it’s gonna be an early night for my man, so I’ll get stuck in whilst he’s sleeping,”
“Remember to get some sleep yourself kid,”
“I will I will,”

“I have some chilli con carne frozen back home, and pumpkin and ginger soup, and jambalaya, and chicken casserole, and a chickpea curry, and a few other bits - all home made and crammed with goodness, ready to swap from my freezer to yours. Should I bring it round in a big box tomorrow? Or should I bring them in smaller waves if there’s not enough room in your freezer?”
“Mom, you didn’t have to do that,”
“No, it’s been done though. It makes me feel useful Josh,”
“It must have taken you hours,”
“Otherwise I would have just spent those hours worrying about you both. It helps me to feel better about this whole situation when I’m being productive. With that in mind, is there anything else I can cook? I mostly just did recipes I know you love Josh, so if there’s something Tyler would like to have, it would be my honour to make it. I was also trying to remember whether spicy food was good because he couldn’t taste much and it broke through or whether it was irritating to him and his system. What’s good for him during treatment?”
“He could taste the spice last time but when he got the sores in his mouth it could be really painful, so it’s good to have it as an option but we try to avoid putting spice in everything. The first time he had chemo everything tasted really salty to him so we started putting lots of sugar on his food to balance it out which worked a little bit, plus it was extra calories, but that didn’t happen last time. It’s hard to know exactly what will happen with this new program but maximum calories is always a benefit,”
“So I’ll add cream, butter, honey, cheese - all the best ingredients,”
“You don’t have to do any more though Mom,”
“That’s not gonna stop me,”
“You two are the exact same, endlessly selfless and giving. Tyler and I are lucky to have you,” Bill said what Tyler was thinking.

Tyler knew his husband had promised not to stay up too late reading the informational books on dissociation recommended by one of the specialists they’d spoken to, however the pages and pages of notes he’d written up suggested he’d put in more work than he was admitting.

“You don’t have to read all of it, I just thought you might be interested.” Josh explained, bringing bowls of granola over to the breakfast table as Tyler glanced at the first page, his attention drawn to the double underlined quote that read Reality Is Not An Option.

“I’m interested, definitely, yeh. What was your main takeaway?”
“Uh, probably just the reinforcement that patience is the best approach. Typically people dissociate because they're beyond how much stress they can manage, so adding on the stress of your loved ones expecting you to snap out of it will only push you deeper into the dissociation. One of the books even said avoid talking to you or stroking you because it’s all sensory input that can be overwhelming,”
“I like you touching me, and, and talking to me. It’s comforting,”
“Okay, that’s good to know. I’m willing to bet nobody is completely textbook, right? So we can combine what we learn from these books, and from our own discoveries, and your personal experience. All these notes are just pointers,”

Tyler loved Josh’s handwriting.

“What does this mean? Peritraumatic?” Tyler pointed to a line he didn’t understand.
“That was something I thought I would ask you about, when you’re ready of course. Peritraumatic dissociation is when you dissociate whilst the trauma is actually occurring, opposed to later on when you’re reminded of it, and there’s some strong correlations to PTSD. We don’t have to talk about it over breakfast, love, but my question was going to be whether you can recall dissociating at all when you were a kid and the bad things were happening to you,”
“I, I’m not sure, I’ll, uh, I’m not gonna try and make myself remember now-“
“No course not,”
“But I’ll think about it?”
“No rush darling, no rush,” Josh reached across the table and held Tyler’s hand.

“No sign of a quick cure though?” Tyler forced a smile, turning the first page over.
“Fraid not. Got another book coming tomorrow, third time lucky and maybe that will have the instructions on how to reset you, but if that fails, guess I’ll have to officially declare you malfunctioning and send you back to the factory then wait for my refund,”
“Sorry sir, you’ve had me for 7 years and the warranty was only valid for 5,”
“Gosh darn it,” Josh chuckled.
“I’m sure you’ll be able to cut your losses and rehome me via Facebook marketplace,”
“Hopefully I’ll get a couple bucks for ya, little wear and tear but still working and usable. Collection only,”
“Just don’t resort to Craigslist please,” Tyler laughed along. It felt strange to be laughing.
“God no,”

“You’re like your mom and her refusal to replace her washing machine even though it’s beyond broken,”
“She loves that thing even though it leaks and hisses and sounds like it’s gonna explode every time it spins. I love you even though you-“
“Leak and hiss,” Tyler made Josh snigger.
“Leak and hiss, exactly what I was gonna say darling. You leak and hiss and sometimes you sleep through the movies you force me to watch but always manage to wake up just when I’m about to change the channel. In spite of it all, my beautiful husband, I promise I will never replace you with a top of the range Miele washing machine,”
“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,”
“I meant every word of it,” Josh kissed Tyler’s hand.

Josh stared at Tyler’s wedding ring for a moment.

“Should we replace them? I’ll always love them because they're part of our marriage, but I don’t especially love the memory of sliding it over your purple skeletal finger in the ICU and then popping my own on because you couldn’t put it on me,”
“Maybe we should have a completely fresh start, no contaminated memories at all, and get new rings to celebrate when I’m declared cancer free?”
“I love that idea,”
“If we’re going to have a wedding slash vow renewal celebration, we could exchange our new rings then?”
“That’ll be really special, definitely, let’s definitely do that.”
“With that being said, realistically it’s going to be a while before I’m fit for a wedding, so if you can’t take another year or so of wearing these rings, we could always order some cheap placeholders off Amazon or something?”
“Or start wearing haribo gummy rings?”
“Sounds sticky.”
“Sounds yummy.” Josh smiled. “Can I use your phone? Mine’s charging next door,”
“Sure, uh, it’s over there I think?”

He stood up and swiped the phone off the side then unlocked it before sitting down again, searching something.

“How about these ones?” Josh showed the very first result for simple rings.
“You’re keen, huh?”
“Yeh, I mean, if you want to keep-“
“I don’t wanna keep this one. I do, I’ll, we’ll find something nice to do with these, but I don’t want to be carrying round the memory of the day you were told I’d die. Let’s get new ones now, then nice ones next year,”
“How about these? They’re silicone so they’ll be soft and they’ll stretch a little bit if your hands swell up in treatment, and they’re 7 bucks each,”
“7 bucks but ugly, scroll down, keep going, yep, how about those? I like the small indent wrapping around it, and I could get one lining colour and you could get another?”
“13.99, you think I’m made of money or something?”
“Look, if we get 2 then we qualify for free next day delivery, instant save, you’re welcome,” Tyler teased back. “I like these ones,”
“Pick a colour for the inside and they’ll go in the basket,”
“Ooh, can I get black and teal?”
“Done. Nice, only 11.78 for some reason! What should I get with the black?” Josh scrolled through the options. “Navy? Grey? Red?”
“Go crazy, go red.”
“You’re right, let’s be totally bonkers, red it is. Boom. One click check out, yadda yadda, and they’re on their way. Should be here Thursday.”
“I hope they’ll be on our doormat when we’re back from the hospital,”
“That’ll be a nice pick-me-up, hey?” Josh smiled.
“Yeah,”

“Thank you for doing that, I love what this represents, I love being a husband and I most of all love being your husband, but that wedding day, yikes, not something I like reliving every time I see my own hand.”
“I get it. I’m excited for a change too,” Tyler’s hands were shaking but he managed to wiggle his ring off and toy with it. “I don’t think I ever asked, where did these rings come from?”
“When I found out we had to get married that day or it would potentially be too late, I decided I wanted to be the one who organised everything - my last love letter to you - so I found the chaplain and the flowers and the rings and everything, mostly using the immense power of Google. I called the jeweller and picked the rings purely based on his verbal description, I explained the situation and he offered to drop them off at the hospital, and then they wouldn’t let him into the ICU for security reasons or whatever, so I sent my dad to meet him in the corridor because I didn’t want to leave your room in case you slipped away, and yeah, apparently the jeweller didn’t want any money for them. Still to this day I don’t know whether it genuinely was a Good Samaritan or whether my dad paid, but we got the rings.”
“Maybe, next year, when we’re planning the wedding together, we should go back to that jeweller and see if he’s still there? Thank him and update him? And we could buy our next rings from him?”
“That would be an amazing thing to do, let’s definitely do that. Maybe he’ll give us a discount!”
“Josh!”
“What??”
“You’re gonna use our beautiful tale of love triumphing all in order to save yourself a bit of money from a man who already gave you free rings once?”
“I’m only kidding,”
“I don’t think you are!” Tyler couldn’t stop grinning.

“You’re so handsome, and I’m so lucky to call you mine,”
“Flirt,”
“I mean it Ty, you’re incredible,”
“You’re gonna make me blush,”
“I love it when you blush,” Josh brushed Tyler’s cheek with his curled finger. “You know, I can think of another way to get you flushed-“
“Joshua, at the breakfast table?” Tyler raised his eyebrows.
“Just a suggestion, that’s all. It’s been a few weeks,”
“They’ve not exactly been the beeeeest we-“
“No no, I’m not complaining, I’d never complain about that Ty, I’m not complaining. If you’re not up for it then I’m not up for it either,”
“I’m up for it, god I’m up for it, in fact I’m almost all the way up for it right this second,”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, but my stamina won’t be-“
“You don’t need to find an excuse to say no, you-“
“I wanna fuck you over the breakfast table, Josh,”
“Who says I’m letting you do any of the work?” He winked.
“I’m gonna be off my game for a couple months whilst the hospital are trying to kill me, so this is gonna be an orgasm powerful enough to catapult you into next year,”
“At the breakfast table Tyler?? My granola-“
“Screw the granola,” Tyler pushed everything on the table aside and launched himself at his husband.

Chapter Text

“We don’t have to do this,”
“We do eventually,”
“Not necessarily, the first time we let it all happen naturally, no clippers required,”
“And I looked like gollum,”
“Harsh,” Josh chuckled. “What I mean is that we can wait if you’re not ready yet.”
“I’m ready. I don’t want to wait till it all falls away in my hands, I want it to be on my terms.”

His husband turned on the trimmer he usually used to keep his beard at bay and instead approached Tyler, who was watching himself in the mirror of the bathroom cabinet. The buzz was irritating and constant.

“Alright, first pass, ready?”
“Do it.” Tyler took a deep breath and closed his eyes, bracing for the sensation to swoop over him.

Instead the sound got further away and he looked up just in time to see Josh plunge the clippers into his own nest of curls, shearing a streak down the middle of his head.

“Josh!!”
“Surprise! Solidarity haircut!” He grinned cheekily.
“On my gosh, you did not have to do this again!” Tyler stood up from his stool and hugged Josh tightly. “You didn’t have to do it again,”
“Yes I did,” Josh put the tool down and squeezed him back. “We’re in this together, all the way, baby,”

Losing his hair was the element of chemo that made Tyler most upset. Yes, the hours of daily vomiting were exhausting and disgusting, and the weakness sapped him of his ability to enjoy anything, and the nerve pain could leave him crying through endless nights, but the hair loss hit Tyler deep in his chest. It was the thing that made him unrecognisable to himself. It was the part he’d been dreading, and Josh knew that.

3 times now Josh had shaved his head to be an ally to Tyler.

“Or maybe I should just leave it like this now, whaddya say?” Josh played with the strip he’d made.
“I love it, definitely.” Tyler poked the shaved section too, curious. “Can I help you finish it off? My shakes aren’t too bad today,”
“Sure, I’ve got two ears so I can afford to lose one,”
“Hey!”
“I like the Vincent Van Gogh look, I think it’ll make me mysterious. People in the street will wonder where my ear is, maybe I was wrestling a crocodile, maybe I had a zipline incident between two skyscrapers, maybe I was doing backflips over a helicopter - they never have to know my husband is the clumsiest-“
“Hey!”
“Clumsiest man in all of human history,”
“That’s so mean!!”
“Well prove me wrong and leave me with two ears please!”

After laughing a moment longer, Tyler kissed Josh, overwhelmed with gratitude.

“Should I do yours first? That way it’s over and done with, and if you feel upset, you can move straight on and distract yourself by doing mine?”
“Sounds like a good plan,”
“Alright sweetheart,” Josh kissed him again. “Siddown, let’s try this again.”

The solemn moment of staring at his reflection, knowing it would be the last time he’d have hair for the foreseeable future, paired with the absolutely insane state of Josh’s hair was enough to keep a small smile on Tyler’s face.

Josh turned on the clippers again and put his spare hand on Tyler’s shoulder, gently squeezing with a reassuring pressure.

His husband brought them to the front of his hairline then, with no dramatics, traced down to his neck. He repeated it again, and again, then paused to brush away the strands that clung on.

“You okay?”
“Keep going,”

He did as he was told and kept shaving and shaving and shaving away all of the hair Tyler had so feverishly defended. It was the most his husband had been allowed to touch it in years, and he was getting rid of it.

Tyler had to close his eyes for a minute, seasick from the slight rocking motions as he swayed with the clippers, overwhelmed by the buzzing. When he opened them again, it was to a blurry view of the floor covered in clumps of his hair.

“All done, my love,” Josh kissed his bare scalp. “You look beautiful,”
“I don’t wanna look,”
“You look stunning,”
“I don’t wanna look,”
“You don’t have to look baby, not yet, not if you’re not ready. I can grab one of your hats?
“Uh huh.”
“One second, darling,” Josh kissed him again then left the bathroom.

He kept his line of view firmly planted on the bathroom floor, trying to tread the line between feeling his feelings far too much then bursting into hysterics, and pushing his feelings so far from his mind that he ended up dissociating.

“I got your brown beanie and your navy cap, which one sounds better?”
“Beanie.”
“Alright my handsome man,” Josh brushed away whatever stray strands stuck behind with his hand then slid the hat over Tyler’s head with far too much ease. There was no hair to push back against the fabric anymore. “We’ll wash the rest away in the shower later. All safe to look,”
“Sorry,”
“What are you saying sorry for, hey?”
“I don’t, I don’t know,”

“Hey mister, look at me,” he crouched down at Tyler’s feet and held his hands tight. The missing chunk of hair made Tyler smirk for half a second but his eyes quickly glossed with tears. “You can do this, I know you can, because you've done it before. There’s a strength within you that’s been called on so many times, and it’s never failed you, has it?”
“But, but it's tomorrow Josh. This time tomorrow I’ll have chemo pulsing through my veins.”
“1 down, 14 infusions to go. What’s that, like, 7%? You’ll be 7% done with treatment and with cancer, for good.”
“What if I can’t do it?”
“I know you can, Ty,”
“Maybe I can’t.”

Josh sighed, squeezing his hands with a gentle smile.

“We’re gonna try our very hardest, aren’t we sweetpea? We’re gonna try. If we can’t do it tomorrow and we need to reschedule, we can reschedule, we can reschedule as many times as it takes. If we still can’t do it, then that’s okay, we’re still gonna have 3 really good years, aren’t we?”
“I wanna do it, I wanna get better,”
“And that’s the willpower which will see you through the next 12 weeks, angel,”

Tyler plunged his teeth into his lower lip and tried to suck in the tears.

“It’s gonna be alright, Tyler. I mean it’s gonna suck, that we know, but I also know it’s gonna be alright, because somehow me and you always find a way for things to be alright, one way or another.”
“I’m tired of always being in survival mode,”
“Little while longer, then there’s the rest of forever for us to make a space so comfortable and so safe that you never have to feel this way again,”
“I’m starting to believe that Arcadia is just a myth,”
“I think we should stick around and find out, hey? Even if it’s not out there, the promised land of complete perfection, I’m certain there’s a reality we can find, we can build, that’s a whole lot better than this.”

“I just don’t want to let you down.”
“Tyler Robert, there is no conceivable way you could ever let me down.”
“What if I’m really bad tomorrow?”
“We’re expecting it to be difficult, and we’re prepared,”
“What if I kick and scream, and, and hurt people?”
“It’ll be because you're scared, because you feel under attack, because you feel unsafe. None of that would equate to you letting me down, if anything it would be the opposite because I couldn’t shelter you from those feelings.”
“What if I can’t do this Josh? What if I can’t do the treatment and you have to watch them grow and choke me to death?”
“You still won’t have let me down, because I’ve been right here this whole time Ty, bearing witness to you pushing yourself to the absolute limit for me. If that’s the way this ends, with me losing you, there will always be comfort found in the knowledge that you tried your very best, for me.”

Tyler let out one small sob, then clawed it back with some deep breaths.

“I’m not sure what I did to earn someone quite so marvelous as you, Ty, all I can say is thank you. I see how much work you have to put in, every single day; not just the bad days, also on the days other people might see as easy. I know it’s not always effortless for you to relax around people, to be around people, to tolerate other people near you. It’s something I’ve seen a massive change in since we first met, all those years ago. You’re working on the things that have been a problem since your parents made them a problem, and that’s not something I ever take for granted. Every time you let me near you, let me touch you, let me hold you like this, I remember 7 years ago when our dates always had to be outside in public because you hadn’t been alone in a room with someone since you escaped. I remember on our fourth date I touched your hand and you screamed hysterically in my face and I found you an hour later in a park a mile away from the restaurant. I remember when we established a code word for you to tell me when you needed space and you’d use it several times a day every day. I remember how you used to flinch when I’d reach over to you. I remember when you used to break up with me every few days because you'd think you were too much for me. I remember the quiet of when you were too scared to speak. I remember when it was normal for you to cry yourself to sleep every night. I remember how little you could tolerate and now as I sit here with you, I’m overcome with pride because this didn’t happen spontaneously, this progress is a direct result of your determination, Tyler. That determination has never dipped or dwindled, instead it’s propelled you further and further and I have complete faith that it will see you reach such lofty heights. You’re a survivor, my sweet husband, and you’ll survive this too.”

“Your hair is so stupid.” Tyler whispered.
“I was just starting to warm up to it.” Josh laughed, running his hand through to tossle the gap. “You’re getting better every single day, Tyler. You’re a better husband and a better partner and a better man. I hope you get better from the cancer too, however if that’s not the way this goes, believe me when I tell you I am so proud of everything you’ve been able to heal. I am so proud of all the healing you’ve done, and I’m hoping so badly that you can pull off one more miracle, but if that’s not how this goes, I am and always will be content with the phenomenal amount of healing you managed.”
“I didn’t come this far to only come this far,” Tyler remembered something Josh’s mom said after he’d been rediagnosed.
“There’s that fighting spirit I know and I love,”
“One more big fight.”
“One more, then we can retire it for good and find those good days we’re owed.”

“Josh.”
“Yeh?”
“Every day with you is a good day. Even the shittiest of shit ones are automatically good when they’re with you. My entire childhood I didn’t dream of event-free days, I dreamt of companionship and love, and here you are.”
“I’m only here because you did the work to allow me to be here. And cos you’re super handsome.”

“Is it really bad?” Tyler whispered.
“Is what bad, sweetheart?”
“My hair.”
“No, mine is really bad, yours is really stylish, like the cover of a magazine stylish. In fact if we both did our best strut down the high street, I think I’d probably get dragged away to some kinda facility for crimes against hairdressing, but you’d be scouted and sent straight to Paris to walk for Gucci Gabbana de la Renta,”
“A lifelong dream of mine, of course,”
“Of course,” Josh’s smile brightened Tyler’s day, always.

“I’ll fix yours,” he reached over and played with Josh’s curls one last time.
“I don’t mind waiting if we need to take a bit longer to get calm,”
“You sure you’re not just looking for excuses to keep this style for longer?”
“Guilty.” Josh laughed.

Josh triple checked everything was in the bags whilst Tyler laid on their bed.

“… mint imperials, chewing gum, lemon sherbets, 3 travel size mouthwashes, bubblegum, and licorice. That’s everything for any bad taste in your mouth. Kay, next, let’s go through the lotions. I have 2 drugstore hand creams, the leftover hand cream from the doctor last time, full body moisturiser, sensitive soothing cream, itching relief cream, scalp lotion, and your fragrance free hand sanitiser. All present and correct. My next list is everything for your feet; slippers, 3 pairs of fluffy socks, 2 pairs of normal socks, a spare pair of anti slip socks, your spiky foot roller from the reflexologist, wood massage roller, 3 packs of single use foot warmers, a-“
“Josh.”
“Yes darling?”
“Please.”
“Sorry, sorry, I’ll keep it to an internal monologue.”

It was Thursday.

Josh had packed 6 pairs of socks for a 2 hour appointment. They would be back home in time for lunch and Josh had packed 6 pairs of socks.

Tyler couldn’t decipher whether his husband was panic-packing, or preparing for an admission that Tyler didn’t know about yet. Maybe Josh was expecting things to go so badly that the hospital would have him restrained and sedated long enough to need 6 pairs of socks.

“Sweetheart, these are the two spare hoodies I’m thinking of taking. Is that okay? If you’d rather they didn’t go to the hospital with us and potentially become associated with the hospital in your mind, we can pick different ones to sacrifice?”
“Why?”
“Just in case we accidentally make one of your favourite hoodies a trigger,”
“I mean why do we need so many?”
“In case you get cold, or you throw up on one of them, or one gets sweaty, or-“
“Josh.”
“Yes darling?”
“Are you and Dr Lacey planning to admit me?”
“No, it’s an outpatient-“
“You’re planning to admit me, aren’t you? I’m going-“
“No, honey,”
“Long term inpatient, that way you, y-you, you can restrain me and force-“
“No.” He stated very clearly.

The repacking of the previously packed bag was abandoned and Josh climbed onto the bed beside Tyler.

“I’m being me and I’m over preparing because I’m a crazy person who thinks not having a third scarf in case your neck gets cold and can’t be warmed with the other two scarfs somehow means I’m a failure. I’m also packing for the eventuality of staying a single night, just in case they need to give you calming medicine and monitoring like they did after your PICC line placement. There’s nothing else going on. We’re not conspiring. There’s nothing awaiting you that you don’t know about. It’s a one hour infusion plus bloods and I’m taking a month’s worth of stuff, that’s all.”

“Promise we’ll be home this afternoon? Promise you won’t let them keep me?”
“I promise I won’t let them move you to a ward. If they need to observe you in the clinic, I think it would be wise to follow their advice, but if they try to transfer you to psych or obs or somewhere other than outpatient oncology, I’ll sign you out and take you home. I know you’re calmest here so I’ll bring you here.”
“No physical restraints.”

“Tell me all your boundaries and I won’t let anyone cross them.”
“No physical restraints, you and only you can bear-hug me if I’m doing something stupid but no pinning or gripping or strangers or straps.”
“Okay.”
“Nobody touch me, in fact nobody except you within a metre of me if I’m dissociating,”
“If a nurse needs to check something?”
“Only if it’s absolutely vital, and, and only if they’re a senior nurse. Actually can we, you, talk to them and see if I can only be seen by senior nurses or doctors please? I don’t want a student or someone with not much experience going anywhere near me or my line. I can’t get another infection, I can't.”
“I happen to know Kathy is going to be there today, remember Kathy? Grey hair-“
“Uh huh,”
“So how about we see if just her and Dr Lacey can come in contact with you or your line?”
“O-okay,”

“No restraints, no juniors or students, nobody near you if you’re dissociating, no transfers to other wards. Any more you want to set now? You can always add more later,”
“Just swear to me you’ll watch everything and anything that comes near my PICC? I would honestly rather you protected it from contamination than you protected my mental health. I will eventually calm down, I might not get better from sepsis again.”
“I’ll make sure everything is sterile and by the book, I swear. I try my best to understand why you don’t want to be touched however I’m aware I’ll never feel the fear like you do - when it comes to the sepsis, I feel the fear. That’s a trauma for me too and I’ll fight tooth and nail to stop it happening again.”

Tyler sighed heavily.

“I feel like I need more rules, more boundaries, more defences around me, I just have no idea what it is that’s going to set me off.”
“I know how to look after you, Ty. I’ve been in love with you for 7 years. I know there are boundaries that are hard to name or put your finger on and I’m not going to suddenly forget them today. We work well as a team, and we can do today together, I know we can.”
“You love me so well but you can’t read my mind,”
“I can recognise things in you though, interpret your body language, consider any and every attempt at communication you can make, empathise, reflect on anything you’ve previously told me, and ultimately make my best guess as to what it is you need. If I get it wrong, we backtrack and we try another option. I can’t read your mind, I can still take care of you darling,”

“How long till we have to go?”
“About 40, 45 minutes?”
“Can we go now? Drive a longer way?”
“Absolutely, my love, you’re in control.”
“I’m in control.”
“You’re in control.”
“I’m in control.”

With that, Tyler sat up and rubbed his eyes till stars speckled his vision. He didn’t open them for a minute longer, not wanting to engage in a world so fraught with fear.

“I can carry you to the car. If you want, you can put AirPods in and pull your hood up and block me out,”
“I wanna stay aware as long as I can, I’m not ready to slip off and detach because I don’t know when I’ll next be close enough to the surface to talk with you,”
“Okay sweetness,”
“Will you hold my hand?”
“Always.” Josh reached over and wrapped up Tyler’s hand with both of his. “Do you want to help me carry the bags to the car? So you’re involved and distracted?”
“Uh huh,”
“I’ll grab-“
“Josh.”
“Yes poppet?”
“I love you.”
“I know you do, Ty.”

“If I die today-“
“No no no, that won’t happen, that-“
“If this is the last thing I ever get to say to-“
“Ty stop it, don’t be daft, stop it. Nothing bad-“
“Josh please. I want to believe I’ll be back here this afternoon but we both know how fast I got sick with the sepsis last time, who knows what might happen this time. Let me say it?”
“You’re going to be absolutely fine, I don’t need this speech,”
“Please don’t deny me this,”
“If you need to say it then I will listen, just know we’re gonna be absolutely fine.”

“I was going to prepare something then I got too freaked so I couldn’t, meaning this is all off the cuff and messy and I’m sorry this is the best I can do, I just want to start with saying thank you.”
“This, I, I, I don’t wanna hear this Ty, I need your fighting spirit today, I need your determination, not you presuming and accepting death.”
“I want to say thank you for always-“
“I’m sorry, I know I said I’d listen but I was wrong, I can’t, I can’t hear this Ty. I don’t want a goodbye.”
“I don’t want to leave you without one,”
“You’re not going to leave me.” Josh shook his head with certainty.

They stared at each other.

“Please don’t leave me, Tyler.”