Work Text:
“There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they do not know about it!” - Agent K (Men In Black)
MEN IN BLACK 5 (Written in 18 Hours)
Attempted by Leah Evans
Play this song
(Close up on the glow of a torch that blinks brightly once like a neuralyzer. We pan out to reveal the Columbia logo of the lady in a toga.)
EXT - NYC STREET- LATE EVENING
(We pan down from the neverending night sky down to the street below. A nervous looking woman crosses the street. Cars speed to a stop. Honk. She keeps moving, muttering to herself. Shielding her eyes from the street lamps as though they bother her. She hurries into an alley.)
VOSCILL
Hello? (pause) Hello? (pause) Is anybody here? (pause) Hello?!
(We hear a voice but don’t see who it belongs to. Voscill shudders and turns.)
VOICE
Keep your voice down.
VOSCILL
Sorry.
VOICE
Do you want to draw attention to us?
VOSCILL
No sir. No. I’m so sorry. That’s the opposite of what I want.
VOICE
Then keep it down.
VOSCILL
Apologies.
(We see a small child peek her head around a dumpster. She ducks behind it so not to be seen but watches what transpires. This is Esli.)
VOICE
Do you have it?
VOSCILL
Yes. Yes. I have it. (laughs nervously) It was no small task either.
VOICE
Save me the play by play. I don’t have the time for it.
VOSCILL
No, no. Of course you don’t. My mistake. Sorry sir.
VOICE
Enough!
VOSCILL
Right.
(Voscill hands the shadowy figure a small, electric device. A key. Lights on it blink. At the same time Esli picks out her own small metal device from her knapsack and holds it out from behind the dumpster. She’s recording.)
VOICE
No one saw you did they?
VOSCILL
(laughs nervously) No. No. Of course not. I wouldn’t be here if they did.
VOICE
(laughs nervously) Good. And the beacon?
VOSCILL
Beacon?
VOICE
You’re trying my patience, Voscill.
VOSCILL
Oh. THAT beacon. (laughs nervously) No. No. Unfortunately not. It was nowhere to be found. And I looked! (Pause. Gulps.) Honest! I did.
VOICE
Lucky for you, I believe you.
(We see fingers belonging to the voice twirl the small device)
VOSCILL
So what are you going to do with it?
VOICE
Find the beacon. Then change the galaxy.
VOSCILL
(laughs nervously) That’s ambitious.
VOICE
Ambition is just a strong desire. Desire that I have. Soon it won’t be only ambition - It’ll be a reality. (gestures to the chip) And this is the key to start it all…
VOSCILL
(realizes) You intend to go inside their headquarters?
VOICE
Well, as I am currently beaconless, it looks like you’ve left me with no choice.
VOSCILL
It won’t be so easy you know...
VOICE
I’m counting on it.
VOCSCILL
They’re heavily guarded.
VOICE
I’m well aware. I like a good challenge.
VOSCILL
They’re one of the most guarded places in the entire solar system! (laughs nervously) You can’t just waltz in.
VOICE
Can’t I?
(The voice holds out the chip. Voscill stops.)
VOSCILL
(laughs nervously) It’s not so simple you know. I’m lucky that I made it out alive.
VOICE
You’re right about one thing...
VOSCILL
Hm?
VOICE
You’re lucky to have made it out alive.
VOSCILL
Right. That’s what I said. (Realizes. Horrified.) Wait. No!
(Three shots of an other-worldly weapon are fired and Voscill falls to the ground dead. After a moment her body shrivels up as though all of the insides have evaporated leaving nothing but the outer covering. The shadowy figure steps toward the body, we only see the back. Esli, behind the dumpster gasps, then ducks behind it to avoid being seen. It begins to rain. She closes her eyes, scared, after a few moments peeks back around to find the figure and skin remnants gone. Taking the device she recorded with she taps it with her fingers and it morphs into a robotic dragon fly. It flutters in the air for a few moments in front of her face as she whispers something to it and off it goes…)
Play this song
(The mechanical dragon fly flies through the alley and through the New York City Streets as our film opening credits roll. It ducks around people, raindrops, dogs being walked, and just about every NYC hazard that you can think of. It briefly lands on the brick wall of a building, moving about, mechanical eyes blinking trying to make out its surroundings. Someone tries to swat it with a rolled up newspaper. It dodges the attack and takes off into the air again. Up, up, up it goes over a skyscraper. We get a view of the NYC skyline before it dives down again quickly. Back on the street it turns a corner and that’s when a familiar red converse sneaker comes down on it stopping its journey. The screen goes black.)
Play this song
EXT - GRAVEYARD - MORNING
(The rain falls. A burial. Suited figures carry a casket which is then slowly lowered down into the ground. We see Agent S, Agent J, and *very* few others all dressed in suits and sunglasses watching the coffin lower. Beside Agent J is Frank the pug in his own little dog suit and glasses. A priest says a sermon that we can’t hear. Instead we just see the serious expressions of the men we have come to know. One by one they step forward to pay their respects. Agent J is the last one. He’s having the most difficult time with but hides it well. The camera turns to reveal the gravestone which reads: Kevin Brown. 1940-2020. No other description. Agent K has died.
J thinks he’s alone but Agent S stands some distance behind, watching him. Agent S’ hands look down as he moves his hand out of his pocket. He holds Agent A’s old badge. Pocketing it again he turns to head toward his car but sees a small girl by a tree watching them: Esli. S turns to look at J again then back at Esli but she’s gone. Strange.)
INT - MEN IN BLACK HEADQUARTERS - EARLY AFTERNOON
(Agent S closes his umbrella and walks inside. In the lobby they pass the all too familiar giant fans and vents. They are deafening. The doorman sits in front of one reading the paper unaffected. He doesn’t even look up.)
ALPHEUS
Morning, S.
AGENT S
Morning, Alph.
ALPHEUS
How are you today?
AGENT S
Honestly? I’ve been better, man.
ALPHEUS
Yeah. Yeah. I know.
AGENT S
Yeah...
ALPHEUS
It was a nice ceremony.
AGENT S
What? How would you- I didn’t see you?
ALPHEUS
You don’t see a lot of things, S.
AGENT S
(ready to argue) I - (Sighs) You’re probably right.
ALPHEUS
I do more than guard a door you know.
AGENT S
Yeah. You’re an excellent conversationalist too.
(Agent S heads toward the door to MiB)
ALPHEUS
You’re always in a rush. That’s your problem, you know.
AGENT S
So I’ve been told.
ALPHEUS
I wouldn’t worry about it.
AGENT S
Worry about what?
ALPHEUS
I’ve been to a few of these sorts of things in my time and the low turnout is normal.
AGENT S
Ah.
ALPHEUS
K would have hated a big fuss anyhow. Not his style.
AGENT S
Right. (pause) Normal, huh?
ALPHEUS
Yup.
AGENT S
(sadly) Whose normal would that be?
(It is then, for the first time in Men in Black history, that Alpheus lowers his newspaper to look at the distraught agent)
ALPHEUS
You going to be ok, kid?
AGENT S
Yeah. Yeah. Fine. All good.
(Alpheus disappears behind his newspaper again)
AGENT S
You have a good day Alphie.
ALPHEUS
You too.
(The doors open and S steps inside the elevator. Turns to face Alpheus.)
ALPHEUS
And S?
AGENT S
Yeah?
ALPHEUS
Don’t call me Alphie.
(The elevator doors close. Cut to: Men in Black Headquarters. Business as usual. Customs, the computer section, machines… Everything is buzzing with activity. We see celebrities flash on the screen: Kylie Jenner, Jenny McCarthy, etc. Agent S walks through the crowd heading toward his desk. He is about to sit down when a young agent interrupts him.)
AGENT D
Agent S!
(Agent S nearly falls)
AGENT D
The chief wants to see you.
AGENT S
Great.
INT - CHIEF’S OFFICE AT MIB HEADQUARTERS - EARLY AFTERNOON
(Agent X stands in front of the Chief’s desk. He’s in the typical Men in Black attire. He’s got a few years on J. Mid conversation.)
AGENT X
Regretfully we are yet to locate the perpetrator who stole the device but I have my team on it and all of our informants on Earth with their ears and receptors to the ground. We will find it.
(We see different aliens on the chief’s tv screens on a conference call)
ALIEN
It is imperative that the V-400 is located immediately.
ALIEN 2
Immediately!
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
ALIEN
I think I do not need to emphasize the issues that would arise for all if the device has fallen into the wrong hands and is utilized...
ALIEN 2
Do not!
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
AGENT X
You do not, ma’am. We, more than most, understand the risk.
ALIEN
Do you?
ALIEN 2
Do you?
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
AGENT X
We do. I will not rest until the device is back in MiB’s hands.
ALIEN
Your MiB and its lack of security is how we got into this mess in the first place.
ALIEN 2
Mess!
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
AGENT X
I understand the apprehension but please understand everything that can be done on our end is being done.
ALIEN
Then do more!
ALIEN 2
More!
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
AGENT X
We will find it.
ALIEN
You better. I need not remind you of the risk to the entire galaxy if that device is utilized to access the vault and the beacon is found.
ALIEN 2
Need not!
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
AGENT X
No ma’am. You do not. You can rest easy and you have my word that I will find it and no harm will come to the galaxy under MiB’s watch.
(Just then Frank enters. He has files in his mouth. He’s the secretary to the chief now!)
ALIEN
Good. If you would like my insight perhaps your time would be better spent looking than standing in this office listening to me, don’t you think?
ALIEN 2
Good!
ALIEN 3
(a series of unintelligible noises of agreement probably)
(The cameras all shut off at once.)
FRANK
Huh! I think I dated her! (A beat. Back to business as usual.) Your stamp of approval is needed on these, Chief. (to Agent X) How’s it hanging?
(Frank puts the files on the desk and sits, wagging his tail. It is then that the Chief turns around. It’s Agent J!)
AGENT X
It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.
AGENT J
Yeah, well, if it was easy it wouldn’t be our department would it.
AGENT X
No. I suppose not.
AGENT J
Frank, for the love of… I can’t sign these. They’re all wet!
(J holds up one showing that it’s covered in dog drool)
FRANK
It’s a condition!
AGENT J
C’mon man!
FRANK
You hired me.
AGENT J
Yeah, well, I’m about to unhire you.
FRANK
You mean, fire me?
(Frank scratches himself)
AGENT J
Get out of here.
(Frank trots out)
FRANK
Kiss my furry little butt.
AGENT J
And take those freeloading fleas with ya! You’re killing me Frank! We have a health plan!
AGENT X
They’re scared. I can’t say that I blame them. If the wrong hands should get ahold of the beacon then the whole galaxy could crumble.
AGENT J
The galaxy is always about to fall apart. Our job is to keep people from knowing about it. I stopped getting worried a long time ago. It would take years off my life. (A painful thought) Besides, in this position you’re not allowed to be worried. It’s in the job description.
AGENT X
I see.
(Agent X begins to study things on the walls of J’s office. Photos, autographed pictures, awards. He takes it all in.)
AGENT J
And you?
AGENT X
Hm?
AGENT J
Are you worried, Agent X?
AGENT X
No.
AGENT J
And why is that?
AGENT X
I’ve been at this a long, long time. I know what I’m doing and I always get what I want and what I want is to find that device. And I will.
AGENT J
Good.
(Agent X stops in front of a photo of Agent K)
AGENT X
You went to the funeral this morning?
AGENT J
I did.
AGENT X
I suppose you would have to make an appearance being in the position that you are.
AGENT J
I wanted to.
AGENT X
Of course.
AGENT J
He was my partner
AGENT X
Perhaps more than that?
AGENT J
Excuse me?
AGENT X
A friend.
AGENT J
Yes.
AGENT X
To think, you were lucky enough to be trained by the one and only Agent K. One of the original founders of the MIB. You were pretty much put on the fast track from day one.
AGENT J
What are you implying, Agent X?
AGENT X
(demeanor becomes friendlier) Nothing. Only that he was a good agent. One of the best.
AGENT J
The best.
AGENT X
Indeed.
(Agent S enters the office along with Frank)
AGENT S
You wanted to see me?
AGENT X
(taking his cue) I’ll keep you updated Agent J.
FRANK
Chief.
AGENT X
(this is killing him) Right. I keep forgetting… Chief.
(Agent X exits)
FRANK
I don’t think he keeps forgetting.
AGENT J
(ignoring him) Right. Come on in. Frank, close the door.
(Frank does so. Agent J sighs)
AGENT J
I meant on your way out.
FRANK
But I can’t listen to what you two are saying if I’m on the other side of the door.
AGENT J
That’s the point Frank.
FRANK
Ah. Got it. My bad. Bad dog.
(Frank makes his way to the door)
FRANK
I got a 1 o’clock appointment licking my balls anyways.
AGENT J
Frank!
(Frank closes the door.)
AGENT J
Agent S, have a seat.
AGENT S
I would rather stand sir.
AGENT J
I’d rather be Idris Elba but we can’t all get what we want. Sit.
(Agent S does so. Quiet for a moment. J looks uncomfortable.)
AGENT J
So....
AGENT S
So….
AGENT J
It’s gonna be like that, huh?
AGENT S
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
AGENT J
Like hell you don’t.
AGENT S
I don’t.
AGENT J
Well, then I’ll just go ahead and get us started then.
AGENT S
Go for it.
AGENT J
Kid, I know you’re taking the loss hard.
AGENT S
Am I?
AGENT J
I am too-
AGENT S
Are you?
AGENT J
And things are all kinds of different real fast around here-
AGENT S
They are?
AGENT J
Now hold up. What? Are we playing twenty questions around here?
AGENT S
(pushing his luck) Are we?
AGENT J
(warning) Boy. You better shut that mouth before I deneuralyze you.
(Agent S opens his mouth to push his luck, sees Agent J’s face, and thinks better of it. Falls quiet.)
AGENT J
Listen man, I know it hasn’t been easy since…. Well, you know. With A… That whole thing. It hasn’t been a walk in the park for me either. Being taken out of the field and having to deal with everything that comes with this desk job. I don’t know if you know this but I’m not exactly the paperwork kind of guy. Guess I never gave Zed enough props for what he had to deal with. Or K. (No response) He would have appreciated you being there. He would have hated the whole thing but would have appreciated you coming, I mean. A would have too. (No response) I know what it’s like to lose a partner. Hell, I’ve lost my fair share. It’s not easy.
AGENT S
That’s an understatement.
AGENT J
But it comes with the job.
AGENT S
Guess I missed that part in the welcome packet.
AGENT J
You got a packet? Man, all I got was a speech and a new suit. (looks down at self) That is now an old suit.
AGENT S
“The last one we’ll ever wear.”
AGENT J
(teasing) So you did read the packet! (Quiet) Listen kid, before she was your partner she was mine. So if you think you’re in this whole thing alone, you’re wrong.
(Pause)
AGENT J
It’s ok to miss her.
AGENT S
I don’t care.
AGENT J
You don’t care?
AGENT S
Nope.
AGENT J
The kid doesn’t care.
AGENT S
Nah uh.
AGENT J
You’re too young to not care. I should not care. You should care a whole lot because you have all the time and the energy in the world to do something about the things you care about.
AGENT S
Well, I don’t.
AGENT J
Cool, cool. Then if you don’t care you won’t care when I say the real reason I called you in here is because I want you to take Agent B out in the field.
AGENT S
(stands)
What?!
AGENT J
Don’t get mad at me, man. You said you didn’t care.
AGENT S
You have got to be kidding me!
AGENT J
Now he cares.
AGENT S
The guy is a total loose cannon.
AGENT J
Sounds familiar.
AGENT S
Last time he went out he almost caused an intergalactic incident.
AGENT J
I heard the word almost. That means not quite.
AGENT S
We’re still trying to get Centauri B and Jorn to resume their trade agreement!
AGENT J
Eh, they weren’t too keen on each other before all of that. Kylothians are always shape shifting. I’d be worried if the Centaurians trusted them.
AGENT S
That’s not the point!
AGENT J
You’re gonna tell me anyone with a thirty seven hour day is going to be in the right mind to make judgment calls...
AGENT S
We work thirty seven hour days! We work in accordance with the Centaurian calendar.
AGENT J
That sounds faintly familiar...
AGENT S
Please don’t make me Agent B’s sitter for the day.
AGENT J
Not just sitter… Partner.
AGENT S
No!
AGENT J
You need to relax. That whole mess was forever ago.
AGENT S
It was three weeks ago!
AGENT J
That’s forever on the Centaurian calendar. People change, S.
AGENT S
Not in three weeks!
AGENT J
All the time.
(We see Agent B on the other side of the plexiglass trip over his own two feet and drops files everywhere. He then attempts to pick them up but hits his own head and falls over dropping the files all over again.)
AGENT B
Sorry! Sorry! My fault.
AGENT J
Most of the time.
AGENT S
You can’t be serious.
(Agent B bombards into the office with a big grin)
AGENT B
Hey guys! I mean-- (ahem) Agent S. Chief.
(For some reason he bows to each of them)
AGENT J
You don’t need to do that, agent.
AGENT B
Aw shucks. Sorry. Guess I just got nervous. I do that a lot.
AGENT S
Get nervous or bow?
AGENT B
Both.
AGENT S
You don’t say…
AGENT B
Chief, I want to personally thank you for taking a chance and sending me back into the field after what happened.
AGENT J
Don’t mention it.
AGENT S
Yeah. Please don’t.
AGENT B
Not a lot of folks would do that after a brush with space war and it means an awful lot. An awful lot.
(He bows again)
AGENT J
Yeah. No problem. For the love of god stop bowing at me.
AGENT B
Yeah. Of course. No problem.
(Agent B bows again. Agent S approaches J, very close so Agent B can’t hear him. Then again, he probably doesn’t care if he does.)
AGENT S
Why are you doing this to me?
AGENT J
I’m not doing anything to you. It’s customary for experienced agents to be paired with newer ones. That’s normal around here.
AGENT S
Why do people keep throwing that word around? Normal. None of this is normal. None of what we do is normal. He is not normal-
(We see Agent B bowing to a picture of K on the wall)
AGENT S
Please don’t make me take him.
AGENT J
You need a partner to be in the field, S.
AGENT S
I’ll take the dog instead.
(Frank scampers in having changed into his Men In Black suit and sunglasses. He has been waiting for this.)
FRANK
Ready! Back in the field after all these years. It was only a matter of time. Fair warning, I like to be in the passenger seat with the window down.
AGENT J
Sit your ass back down.
(Frank sits obediently)
FRANK
Someone has heartworm… (beat) It’s me.
AGENT J
(to Agent S) Let me save you a lot of trouble. No.
AGENT S
You can’t make me take him.
AGENT J
One second.
(Agent J picks up the phone on his desk)
AGENT J
Talk to me. Uh huh. Uh huh. You got it. Ok. I’ll tell him.
(He hangs up)
AGENT S
What’d they say?
AGENT J
That I can cause I’m the chief and it doesn’t matter what you say. You’re taking him.
AGENT B
Oh! This is going to be fun! I’ll meet you in the car! Shottie!
(Agent B rushes out.)
AGENT S
Whose car? (sighs)
(Agent S heads toward the door. Frank goes to follow.)
AGENT J
Stay.
(Frank does so.)
AGENT J
Um… Look… S, you cannot do this job by yourself and even if you could, I wouldn’t recommend it. Trust me. I’ve tried. It takes a toll on you.
AGENT S
Yeah.
AGENT J
You can’t keep blaming yourself either for what happened to A.
AGENT S
That you’re wrong about. I can. Why don’t you?
AGENT J
It doesn’t matter what I do. (pause) We do what we need to do-
AGENT S
-to get the job done. I know the whole schpeel. (becoming increasingly angry) “You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence, your native tongue. You are no longer part of the system. You are above the system. Over it. Beyond it. We're 'them.' We're 'they.' We are…” (defeated) us.
AGENT J
That is how that one goes.
(Quiet. Agent S is at the door and has his back to J behind the desk)
AGENT S
Is it worth it?
AGENT J
(with familiarity) It’s worth it… If you’re strong enough.
(Pause. Agent S leaves.)
EXT - COMIC BOOK SHOP - AFTERNOON
(Agent S gets out of the car. Agent B hot on his tail.)
AGENT B
This is so cool. This is so, so cool. The guys back at headquarters are never going to believe this. Here I am with the one, the only Agent S.
AGENT S
And that means something?
AGENT B
Well, yeah! You were a desk jockey just like all of us and decided you weren’t going to take it anymore. You were going to make your own calls. You were going to make your own path and be the hero!
AGENT S
Actually, I was tricked but, yeah, your version sounds better.
AGENT B
Agent S. Slayer of Balthazar and a true MIB hero.
AGENT S
I’m no hero.
AGENT B
You sure are! Everyone is always talking about it. How you walked away from your desk and met THE Agent K then took down Balthazar and saved the world. Then you became Agent J’s partner. You’re a legend!
AGENT S
Did the guys also mention how we lost an agent during that battle?
AGENT B
No.
AGENT S
Well, we did. She was my partner.
AGENT B
But you didn’t have a partner then… It’s not in any of the records and the last three weeks I’ve been buried up to my neck in records.
AGENT S
Not everything is in the records.
AGENT B
Most things are! Like did you know that fidget spinners were instruments of war created by the Charnocks that we patented here on Earth?
AGENT S
You don’t say...
AGENT B
The records have all sorts of things like that. Like, Boglodites can sprout finger-like appendages from their feet for extra grip which assists them in free travel in the vacuum of space.
AGENT S
Uh huh.
AGENT B
And that Adorians care only for destruction that can manipulate their DNA code to suit their worldview?
AGENT S
Sounds about right.
AGENT B
Or that Nakkadans are the swiftest and strongest alien race but not always the wisest?
AGENT S
That I experienced firsthand.
AGENT B
So if all of those things are in the records how could they miss that you had a partner?
AGENT S
Here we are.
(They stand in front of the shop.)
AGENT B
A comic book shop?
AGENT S
Never judge a book by it’s cover, kid. (pause) Oh no, I’m turning into J.
(They enter the shop. Behind the counter is David who looks up excitedly. He’s wearing a big winter hat even though it’s warm out. Agent S locks the door behind them.)
DAVID
S!
AGENT S
Hey David.
(David rushes over and gives him a big hug)
DAVID
Long time no see!
AGENT S
You saw me yesterday.
DAVID
That’s a long time on my planet.
AGENT B
(realizing) Oh! He’s an alien.
DAVID
I’m a David.
AGENT S
Yes he is. Sort of. He’s half Zarthan.
AGENT B
Oh wow. So what’s the other half?
DAVID
David.
AGENT S
Human. On his-
DAVID
-Mom‘s side. You remembered!
AGENT S
Of course I did buddy.
AGENT B
So what does that make him?
DAVID
A David.
AGENT B
Whoah.
AGENT S
What have you got for me, David?
DAVID
Oh. Sorry. (a fast ramble, he’s on autopilot now) We just got the latest edition of The New Mutants. With the original New Mutants off in space, the rest of the youth of Krakoa begin to take initiative and craft the tomorrow they want to live in. Armor leads an outreach party, seeking young mutants. Then we have the latest Batman which includes part five of the much anticipated Joker war. Batman is at his most vulnerable following a massive dose of an experimental new Joker toxin. With the Dark Knight haunted by demons and visions, it’s up to Harley Quinn to protect him while he recovers—because Punchline is on her way if you can believe it. Then there’s the conclusion of The Garden of Mercy, Fantastic Four #24, and of course we can’t forget about The New Ghostbusters. But I find that universe highly unrealistic. Who would possibly believe that ghosts exist and live among us?
AGENT S
No. No. I meant what you messaged me about…
DAVID
Oh! Right! Sorry. You sure I can’t interest you in-
AGENT S
Maybe later.
DAVID
Follow me.
(Agents S and B do so. David stops and turns to face them with a frown.)
DAVID
Just Agent S please and thank you.
AGENT B
Oh uh… Of course. I’ll just uh… Stay out here and uh…
AGENT S
Secure the perimeter.
AGENT B
Right! Secure the perimeter. Of course! You’ve got it boss!
(Agent B gets a serious look on his face and begins to jump behind each comic book shelf checking for bad guys.)
AGENT B
Securing the perimeter. Securing the perimeter.
DAVID
Who is that guy?
AGENT S
That would be Agent B.
DAVID
Agent B?
AGENT S
My new partner.
DAVID
Partner? But A was your partner.
AGENT S
I know.
DAVID
Then Agent J.
AGENT S
I know. But he’s in charge now and apparently I need to have a partner. It’s in the rules.
DAVID
I could be your partner.
AGENT S
You are… Unofficially.
DAVID
Unofficially. I like that!
(David turns to watch Agent B continue to dramatically check behind the shelves.)
DAVID
I liked Agent A better.
AGENT S
I know. Me too pal. (sigh) Agent B… His name is just one letter away from hers but they might as well be solar systems apart.
DAVID
Oh wow. I suddenly have this urge to launch my clenched fist into his face with great force. What is this feeling?
AGENT
You don’t like him.
DAVID
Oh. Yes. I suppose I don’t really like him much.
AGENT S
You and me both, pal.
DAVID
But I like everybody!
AGENT S
(A gentle reminder) David-
DAVID
Oh right.
(David ducks behind the counter and retrieves a big book, setting it on the counter)
DAVID
This arrived last night.
AGENT S
(reads) The Book of Weirdo: A Retrospective of R. Crumb's Legendary Humor Comics Anthology. That’s one long title.
DAVID
Indeed. But that’s not why I contacted you.
AGENT S
Why did you?
DAVID
I didn’t order it.
AGENT S
Maybe it was delivered by mistake?
DAVID
No. Impossible. You see, I am incredibly careful with my inventory and every order that I place. I did not order this book. I never have. Additionally, I have every seller memorized. I have never ordered from this seller. I don’t even know this seller.
(He points to the sender. It reads A. Friend)
AGENT S
That’s not any seller that I know. (pause) There’s no postage on this Dave.
DAVID
Oh. I didn’t realize.
AGENT S
Whoever wanted you to have this dropped this off themselves.
DAVID
Oh dear.
AGENT S
You didn’t see anyone?
DAVID
No.
AGENT S
No security cameras?
DAVID
Not a lot of people steal from here. (shrugs) Not a lot of people come in.
AGENT S
Why would somebody drop this off for you? It gets stranger and stranger… And I’m in the business of strange.
DAVID
You want strange? Check out this note that came in the package telling me to tell you when I got it!
(He hands him the letter)
AGENT S
...You should have led with that.
DAVID
Oh. Sorry.
AGENT S
It’s ok. Well, I’m here now so… Open it?
(David nods then does so. Inside the front cover, taped to a page, is the bug from earlier.)
AGENT S
What is it?
DAVID
A bug. Quite literally a bug in every sense of the word.
(Agent S picks it up and brings the lifeless tiny mechanical dragonfly to his face. A pause then its eyes turn red and it flutters its wings. He drops it back to the counter and it goes lifeless again.)
AGENT S
Whoah!
DAVID
Look.
(David points and Agent S turns his gaze to the window where he sees the little girl Esli again. Her hand on the window. Watching.)
AGENT S
Hey. You!
(Agent S runs toward the door trying to get to her. She runs the other way. S collides with the unsuspecting Agent B and lands on the floor… hard. When S looks up again the girl is gone.)
AGENT S
Shit!
AGENT B
Sir. I am so, so, so sorry. I didn’t know - I didn’t see - I didn’t-
AGENT S
One heck of a job securing the perimeter Agent B.
AGENT B
Technically, she was outside of it.
(Agent S gets back up)
AGENT S
David, you’re going to want to lock up the shop for the day. You’re coming with us.
DAVID
Oh. Field trip!
INT - MIB - OUTSIDE OF VAULT
(Agent X is walking through MIB. He seems to be pretty known there judging by how easily he navigates and the greetings he gets. He turns a corner and nearly runs into a coworker.)
MIB AGENT
X! Didn’t expect to see you round these parts.
AGENT X
Yes, well, Headquarters is only so big and I have to stretch the ole legs.
MIB AGENT
Nah, I mean back in the office. I thought you retired.
AGENT X
(chuckles) Yeah, yeah. I did but wouldn’t you know it? I got a bit stir crazy back home. There isn’t much for a retired agent to do when all is said and done. You spend your whole life here in anonymity working for the man and then, before you know it, you’re at home all alone with no recollection how you got there and no one to talk to but your memories and you don’t even have any of those. Can you believe it, even neuralyzed I found my way right back here.
MIB AGENT
(awkwardly) Oh. Sure. (realizes) You mean-
AGENT X
Without knowing why, and having no memory of the years before it, I came back to this place. Why is that I wonder?
MIB AGENT
I don’t know.
AGENT X
Why, with my memory completely wiped, and me in the country finally getting some much needed rest, did I feel so unfulfilled that I dragged myself back to this city and back to this office...
MIB AGENT
Deep down, maybe, you missed it?
AGENT X
Maybe. Or maybe, deep down of course, this was the only thing I had to show for myself after forty years of service. Maybe, that’s because the place that I served saw to it that every trace of my existence was wiped and the only identity I had was the one that they gave to me. Maybe, they preyed upon a young man fresh out of the academy who wanted nothing more than to serve his country and the world under some romanticized version of heroism causing him to give up the life with the girl he married and their child to keep them safe and, more importantly, because it would “make them proud”. All for some... job.
MIB AGENT
… Maybe.
AGENT X
Said job neuralyzes him as is standard for all retiring agents but maybe, and this is a big maybe, the deneuralyzer treatment doesn’t work like it should and that man wanders back to MIB and is deneuralyzed and put back on active duty. Only now, and here’s where it kind of stings, he finds out that the position of chief, the one he was assured he was never getting because O wouldn’t step down, is now in the hands of a younger agent because, and this is really nuts, O stepped down. On top of remembering his past job he also remembers his past life and decides to go back. If he can’t have the job that he wants he should get the life back that he had. But that would be too easy, because he discovers that his wife remarried but, and here’s the real kicker, his daughter and wife don’t remember him.
MIB AGENT
Yeah, that wouldn’t be good.
AGENT X
You see, as it is protocol for all agents it’s also standard procedure for all families of the agent..
MIB AGENT
Right.
AGENT X
So what does that agent do, then? But come back to work and carve out a place for himself. A place where he will always be remembered. Where he will never be forgotten by anyone ever again.
MIB AGENT
Sounds like a plan?
AGENT X
It does, doesn’t it? (clears throat) Anyways J sent me down to the Observation room but wouldn’t you know it? I took a wrong turn. Must still be getting my bearings.
MIB AGENT
Oh yeah. Sure, sure. Down that way and take a left.
AGENT X
Got it. Thanks so much.
MIB AGENT
Good talk. (a beat) Wait a second… Didn’t you say you were just stretching your legs?
(Agent X shoots the MIB agent and continues on his way - NOT toward the Observation room. Instead he ends up at the vault. From his pocket he pulls out the electric chip we saw in the first scene. He sticks it on the door. The door blinks a few times, we see the device override it, and he sneaks inside. What starts as a calm search turns more and more frantic as he can’t find what he’s looking for. He begins to chuck things until….)
AGENT X
AHHHHHH!
(He throws one last thing which shatters. That’s when he notices it. A file cabinet. An old one. The only one in the whole vault. It’s certainly out of place. He moves toward it, jimmies it open, and finds what he’s looking for in one of the files. Grins.)
INT- MEN IN BLACK HEADQUARTERS - DAY
(Agents S and B get off the elevator just as Agent X is getting on. Agent S and Xs’ eyes meet for the briefest of moments. The trio goes up the stairs. We cut to J’s office as Agent S and B burst in. Frank is, for lack of a better phrase, tailing them. J was on the phone.)
FRANK
I’m sorry boss. I told them to wait in the lobby but they were chomping at the bit.
AGENT J
Ever hear of this thing called knocking?
AGENT S
Tried it. Not for me.
AGENT J
Frank! Do I need to bring in a Golden Retriever to do your job?
FRANK
Now you’re busting my balls.
AGENT J
I’m about to take you to the vet so they can take those balls away if you don’t get these guys out of my office right now.
FRANK
Like hell!
(Frank whimpers and hides under a chair and under his paws)
AGENT B
Sorry sir.
(Agent B bows)
AGENT J
Would you knock it off, man?! I’m on a call with the Doldunians trying to talk them out of wiping out the Fmecks.
(Agent J checks his phone. No one’s there. He hangs up.)
AGENT J
Well, now they’ve gone and blown up Fmoo.
AGENT S
It won’t be the first time they’ve blown it up.
AGENT J
Agent S, you better have a good reason for this.
AGENT S
Chief, we’ve got something for you to take a look at.
AGENT J
What’s going on?
AGENT S
Here.
(Agent S holds out the device and hands it to J)
AGENT J
What is it?
(David bursts in happily)
DAVID
It’s a recording device!
AGENT J
Why is he here? You know I don’t like him here.
DAVID
I got tired of waiting in the car. The seatbelts remind me of snakes.
AGENT J
Boy, you are out of your damn mind.
DAVID
Half boy. The other half is how I know that this is a Laolion recording device.
AGENT B
Laolion?
DAVID
From the planet Laome in the Triamac galaxy. Or it was.
AGENT S
Was?
DAVID
The planet was destroyed a few years ago. They called to the Zarthans for aid but we got their message too late. By the time our people arrived they were gone. Which is what makes this device even more strange-
AGENT S
Why is that?
DAVID
Only Laolions can use Laolion devices. Other species can’t.
AGENT J
Well that’s interesting.
DAVID
I know, right!
AGENT J
No. I mean… It’s on right now.
DAVID
Oh! Give it to me. Quick.
AGENT S
How is that possible?
DAVID
Someone with the capabilities tinkering with it most likely...
AGENT S
But who has the capabilities?
(Agent J hands the device to David who quickly rushes to a nearby tv and sets it on top of it. Turns the tv on and they can see the image from the alley.)
AGENT B
What’s this?
AGENT J
Something I think someone didn’t want us to see.
VOSCILL
(realizes) You intend to go inside their headquarters?
VOICE
Well, as I am currently beaconless, it looks like you’ve left me with no choice.
VOSCILL
It won’t be so easy you know...
VOICE
I’m counting on it.
VOCSCILL
They’re heavily guarded.
VOICE
I’m well aware. I like a good challenge.
VOSCILL
They’re one of the most guarded places in the entire solar system! (laughs nervously) You can’t just waltz in.
(They see Voscill shot. The figure steps toward it. Then turns. It’s Agent X.)
AGENT J
Shit.
AGENT B
That’s-
AGENT S
Agent X.
(J takes off and the group follows. They look around the office frantically eventually meet up in the hall and see the fallen body of the MIB agent. Now truly alarmed they rush into the vault and see the mess)
FRANK
Oh. This isn’t good.
AGENT J
Go.
(Agent S rushes out with Agent B right behind him. J immediately goes to the file cabinet. Agent B and S rush outside the building and run after X who is walking ahead of them. X notices and begins to run. S takes off after him.)
AGENT S
Stop! Stop right there!
(Back at the office J stops searching the file cabinet. At the B’s. Whatever he is looking for isn’t there. Back on the street S chases X into an alley and it’s a shoot out. B is nowhere to be found and S is clearly on the defense. Making up his mind he continues his pursuit but loses track of X around another turn. He stops. Looks around trying to size up the situation. Out of nowhere X knocks him to the ground and begins to beat him and bash him any way he can. S is rolled over and X places his foot on his throat. He’s about to shoot him in the head when someone shoots at X first hitting him in the arm. X sees who it is, makes up his mind, and runs away. S is bloody but alive. His vision blurry at first but then a familiar pair of red converse sneakers step into view.)
Play this song
(We see the approaching individual through his blurry vision. He blinks once. Twice. Then sees who his savior is.)
AGENT S
A?
(Agent S passes out.)
INT - MEDICAL BAY - DAY
(Agent S stirs in the medical bay where he is lying on a cot. He then gets up. Slowly walks out. We cut to the observation station where J stands with Idikiukup and Bob who are operating the consoles. They have many arms and man many stations at once.)
AGENT J
Keep looking y’all. He couldn’t have gone far.
IDIKIUKUP
(a series of meeps and beeps)
BOB
(a series of meeps and beeps)
AGENT J
I don’t want to hear a damn thing about you being overworked. We’re all overworked here. If you weren’t I would question if you even worked here.
IDIKIUKUP
(a series of meeps and beeps)
BOB
(a series of meeps and beeps)
AGENT J
Watch your mouth. I am your boss you know. Damn. You talk to your wife like that?
IDIKIUKUP
(a series of meeps and beeps)
BOB
(a series of meeps and beeps)
AGENT J
Ugh. I don’t need to hear any of that. Save it for when you’re home.
IDIKIUKUP
(a series of meeps and beeps)
BOB
(a series of meeps and beeps)
AGENT J
What did I say? Couple of pottymouths. (notices) Oh good. You’re up.
AGENT S
How long was I out?
AGENT J
Long enough for Idikiukup and Bob to start narrowing down X’s whereabouts.
AGENT S
With the observation deck? I thought these things only tracked aliens.
AGENT J
Yeah and you would have liked it that way, huh? Would have given you some peace of mind, wouldn’t it?
AGENT S
Just when you thought big brother couldn’t get any bigger.
AGENT J
We’re filled with surprises. Follow me.
IDIKIUKUP
(a series of meeps and beeps)
BOB
(a series of meeps and beeps)
AGENT J
(warning the twins) What did I say?
(Agent J leads S up the stairs and up to his office.)
AGENT J
You’ll be relieved to know Agent B made it back safe.
AGENT S
Actually I am. What happened to the guy?
AGENT J
… He tripped on the curb.
AGENT S
In pursuit?
AGENT J
Of the sidewalk right in front of the building? Yes.
AGENT S
Awesome. Where is he now?
AGENT J
Behind you.
(Agent S turns and B is right behind him)
AGENT B
Hey.
AGENT S
Holy shit!
AGENT B
Glad that you’re ok, S.
AGENT S
That makes two of us. (pause) I’m glad that you’re okay too.
AGENT B
Thanks.
AGENT J
If I could break this little love fest up for a moment we do have more pressing things to figure out.
AGENT B
What was he after?
(They pass by Frank at his tiny little desk. He’s drinking coffee out of a dog bowl)
AGENT S
In the recording he said something about a beacon. I’ve never heard anything about any beacon.
AGENT B
Me neither.
FRANK
(trying to be a part of something) Not me.
AGENT S
What beacon?
(J stops walking so they all stop)
AGENT S
Chief?.... Agent J. What beacon?
AGENT J
The beacon was sent to us by the Laolions prior to their planet being destroyed. For safekeeping.
FRANK
(still trying) Well, that worked out well.
AGENT J
It was O’s last orders as the head of the department. We were to not let anyone get their hands on it or it would mean the whole galaxy was in danger.
FRANK
Check, double check.
AGENT B
What does it do?
AGENT J
You ever experience a power outage? Take that and multiply it by about a billion. Lights, computers, generators, anything battery operated, from our world or another. Any kind of energy used to power anything that makes life on our planet or any other livable… gone.
FRANK
Whoah.
AGENT J
Now take that and go the other way. The power to get into any computer system, to power any vehicle on the ground or in space. Anything mechanical.
AGENT B
But… That’s just about everything.
AGENT J
Now he’s getting it. There’s a reason that their planet was destroyed. The Laolions saw it coming and they did what they had to do to stop anyone from getting their hands on it.
AGENT S
And now X has it.
AGENT J
No… We didn’t keep it here. O always was two steps ahead. Having it here was too risky. O knew that.
(Agent J opens up the Beacon file from the vault revealing that it’s empty)
AGENT J
But now he knows where to look.
AGENT B
(to S) I told you, sir. Everything is in the records.
AGENT S
He knows where to look and now so do we.
AGENT J
No.
AGENT S
What? What do you mean no?
AGENT J
I never read the file.
AGENT S
What?!
AGENT J
I had enough on my plate as is. I had to learn how to run an agency overnight. I didn’t have time to read anything. I never have time to read anything. When in my history at this agency did I ever have to read shit?! There’s no Roestta stone to this shit. I blasted aliens and kept the world from ending.
FRANK
You had a good run, J.
AGENT J
Man... If that woman wasn’t retired she would tear my ass a new one.
FRANK
We could bring you to the vet to have that arranged. Our plan covers it.
AGENT B
Where’s he located? I’m looking for a new doctor.
FRANK
On Canal.
AGENT S
He’s a vet, dude.
AGENT B
If the plan covers it…
FRANK
He’s very good with his hands. Very gentle.
AGENT B
What’s the copay?
AGENT J
Ok! Ok! Everyone shut up. Enough. Back to the dangerous criminal on the loose
(J walks into his office, S is in pursuit. Agent B follows and Frank, seeing this, decides he too wants in on the action)
AGENT S
Yeah… About that…
AGENT J
About what?
AGENT S
It’s not just any criminal. This is an MIB agent.
AGENT J
Cool. You earning your pay today. You’ve been paying attention. That’s good. Because it’s going to be your job to find him.
AGENT S
Come again?
AGENT J
You’re going to find him. I’m putting you on the case.
AGENT S
Chief, you know I’m never one to turn down a mission.
AGENT J
That’s good to hear. Because you can’t.
AGENT S
I just don’t know if I’m the right one for this one. I took a pretty nasty blow to the head out there. And I mean, I’m like ninety percent sure that I have a concussion-
AGENT J
And the other ten percent?
AGENT S
Is busy being concussed.
(Agent J checks a message on his computer)
AGENT J
The fellas in the med department cleared you.
AGENT S
Have them check again. Listen, I know something’s up. I just do. When I was out there I thought I saw-
Play this song
(J says nothing. It’s then that A enters)
AGENT A
Hey.
(Everyone is speechless but it is noticeable that J seems a little less surprised than S. Maybe even a little guilty. Later B sits outside J’s office with Frank and A. We can see S yelling but can’t hear anything until we are inside the office.)
AGENT S
You knew?
AGENT J
I did.
AGENT S
You knew and you didn’t tell me? Unbelievable.
AGENT J
Not at first. Not at first. I thought she was dead too until I took this desk job.
AGENT S
Which was what? Almost a year ago? You couldn’t tell me then?
AGENT J
It was on a need to know basis.
AGENT S
And I didn’t need to know?
AGENT J
No. No you didn’t.
AGENT S
And who decided that?
AGENT J
It was an executive decision.
AGENT S
So O made the decision… Then you executively decided to keep lying to me once you found out.
AGENT J
We didn’t know if there was still a risk. If Balthazar still had anyone on his side. We had to be sure. We wanted to prevent another assasination attempt.
AGENT S
We? Who is this we? Because from the sounds of it it’s been just you after O left.
AGENT J
Just take a breath, man. Cool it.
AGENT S
I’m not going to ‘cool it’. My partner’s been lying to me this whole time. Both of them!
AGENT J
Technically on paper she was never your partner.
AGENT S
Don’t! Just don’t. (A moment) So what? Did you only take me as your partner to keep the bench warm until she came back? Or was she going to come back and you were going to see how long it took for me to notice because I’m just a big idiot desk jockey?
AGENT J
No. I found out after all of that. (beat) And for my own reference here kid are you mad that she’s alive or that you didn’t figure it out?
(Silent)
AGENT J
You’re not a big idiot.
AGENT S
Cool. That makes it way better. All is forgiven.
AGENT J
I don’t need your forgiveness. I did what I thought was right and I don’t regret that for a second.
AGENT S
Do you ever regret anything?
AGENT J
I try to live my life without any regrets.
AGENT S
Try?
(Quiet. Agent A quietly knocks and enters)
AGENT A
Bad time?
(Agent S doesn’t look at her)
AGENT J
Not at all. Agent S was just heading out.
(Without a word Agent S heads out and down to the bullpen.)
AGENT A
He’s pissed, isn’t he?
AGENT J
He’ll be fine.
AGENT A
You know that?
AGENT J
I’m an old man. I don’t know anything anymore.
AGENT A
You know plenty.
AGENT J
So do you apparently… Good thinking by the way.
AGENT A
Huh?
AGENT J
Sending the bug to your friend’s shop after you intercepted it.
AGENT A
Thanks.
AGENT J
You seem to have forgotten the part about staying hidden though...
AGENT A
It was long enough.
AGENT J
And who decided that?
AGENT A
Me.
AGENT J
Fair enough.
(Agent A goes to leave)
AGENT J
Where do you think you’re going?
AGENT A
To help.
AGENT J
Agents S and B are on it. You’re going to stay here.
AGENT A
Agent B can barely tie his shoes without falling let alone handle any of this.
AGENT J
You’re back. Not active. There’s a difference.
AGENT A
But-
AGENT J
That’s final.
(Quiet)
AGENT A
You’re miffed at me.
AGENT J
I’m not.
AGENT A
You are. I was your partner for seven years, J. I can tell.
AGENT J
You knew better.
AGENT A
Knew better than what?
AGENT J
To do what you did. With Balthazar. It was reckless.
AGENT A
I learned it from you.
AGENT J
Not the point. Thank you. But not the point.
AGENT A
I did what I had to do. You would have done the same thing.
AGENT J
Yeah. But you can’t go doing what I would do or else I don’t have anything to do. So don’t steal my thunder, ok?
AGENT A
You’re always trying to keep us safe. Maybe on that day it was my turn to return the favor.
AGENT J
I should have neuralyzed you day one.
AGENT A
This office suits you… Chief.
(She leaves)
AGENT J
Stay put!
EXT - OUTSIDE MIB HEADQUARTERS - EARLY EVENING
(Agent S and B exit the building and head toward their vehicle. THE Ford. Yes, THE Ford. Soon after Agent A emerges behind them rushing to keep up)
AGENT A
Hey! Guys! Wait up.
(Agent S keeps walking and opens the car door. Agent B stops.)
AGENT B
Hey S. Hold on a second.
(Agent A catches up to them)
AGENT A
Whoah. Did you get faster when I was away?
AGENT S
We’re kind of in a hurry. The whole ‘end of the galaxy is upon us’ thing. You get it.
(He gets into the driver’s seat.)
AGENT A
Actually that’s what I’m here about. J says, I mean the chief says that he needs to speak with you.
AGENT B
Me?
AGENT A
Yeah. Said it was really important.
AGENT B
What is it?
AGENT A
Oh. He wouldn’t tell me. Top secret. Super classified. For your ears only.
AGENT B
(excited) Really?
AGENT A
Yeah, really. Must be a really big deal if he won’t tell me.
AGENT B
Oh wow. Maybe he really has forgiven me about almost starting that war...
AGENT A
War?
AGENT B
Be back in a flash. Wait for me!
(Agent B rushes inside)
AGENT A
Oh yeah. Sure. We’ll be here.
(Once Agent B is back inside A quickly climbs into the front passenger seat and buckles her seat belt.)
AGENT A
Drive.
AGENT S
You really like tricking probationary field agents don’t you?
AGENT A
Would you just drive?
(Agent S does so. Just then David pops into the front seat from the back)
DAVID
I’m glad you’re back.
INT - MIB HEADQUARTERS - J’S OFFICE - NIGHT
(Agent B barges in. J is on the phone.)
AGENT J
Commander Iudona, I’m sorry but the Statue of Liberty hasn’t been a landing pad since 1965. I know, I know. Trust me, I wish I had better news. (listens) No. The Lincoln Memorial won’t be an adequate solution. Yes, I realize Lincoln was one of your most prominent representatives from your planet. He was one of ours too but- (He notices Agent B) What?!
AGENT B
You wanted to see me, sir?
AGENT J
I didn’t want to see you.
AGENT B
But Agent A said-
AGENT J
You have got to be kidding me. (to the phone, worried) No, not you Commander. I wasn’t talking to you. I was speaking to- (listens) No. It’s not that I don’t think you’re not funny. I- (surprised) He hung up!
(J dials a number. We cut back to the Ford.)
AGENT A
Geeze! David! How long have you been back there?
DAVID
You know, after the first few hours it kind of all melds together.
AGENT S
He likes it back there. He feels safe.
DAVID
I don’t just like it, I love it! It’s confined. I like the four walls. I like the comfy seat. I like that it smells like cologne and old fast food. I like that it moves but doesn’t fly - I’ve never been much of one for flying. You would think half of me likes flying and the other half not but no. My whole self hates flying. But you know what I like most about this car? (Quiet) The good memories that come with it. Remember the last time we were all in this car?
AGENT A
Yeah. I remember.
(Agent A picks up the phone)
AGENT A
Hello?
AGENT J
Now I know you didn’t just do what I know you did.
AGENT A
Now, I know that sentence made sense to you but-
AGENT J
A! You think you’re slick, don’t ya?
AGENT A
I’m sorry, J but I can’t just sit idly by and let S handle this by himself.
AGENT J
Agent B-
AGENT A
-managed to fall up the stairs when he was walking down them to the bullpen.
(Agent J looks and sees that Agent B has somehow managed to get himself stuck in a waste paper basket. Agent B sees him staring, bows, and hits his head on a nearby table.)
AGENT J
(relenting) Fine. Fine. You win. But no going off the grid. You need to keep in contact This is not a debate.
AGENT A
Ok, ok. Thanks dad.
AGENT J
Don’t call me that.
AGENT A
Ok, sorry. You’ve got it.
AGENT J
I’ll let you know once Idikiukup and Bob find X’s whereabouts. Stay sharp
AGENT A
We’ll await your call.
(Agent A hangs up the phone)
AGENT S
You can’t let me?
(They drive past a bus station. Seated on the bench is Esli. She watches them drive by and deeper into the city. Back in J’s office J also hangs up. Frank trots in carrying a tray of coffees in his mouth.)
FRANK
Did somebody order a PUG-kin spice latte?
AGENT J
Not now, Frank!
FRANK
Yikes. Ruff room.
AGENT J
(exasperated) FRANK!
EXT - AGENT X’S HIDEOUT - NIGHT
(We see Agent X enter an abandoned warehouse. In order to get in he scans his eye, his finger print, and also enters a code. Walking inside the dark, vast room he claps which causes all the computers around him to whizz to life. From the light that they omit we see that he also has a ton of weapons. He sets down the papers that he stole and spreads them out. Some are in english others have scribbling in other languages - alien languages. He picks one paper up and sticks it on the wall behind him. It’s a black and white picture of Esli, the alien girl we’ve seen. We zoom in on the photograph as Agent X leaves the room in a hurry. The photo is clearly from another decade but she hasn’t aged a day.)
EXT - PLAYGROUND - NIGHT
(Agents A and S, along with David, get out of the car.)
AGENT A
J said Idikiukup and Bob picked him up somewhere around here. But that doesn’t make any sense. He has information leading to one of the deadliest forces in the galaxy. Why would he be here? What kind of grown man spends time at a playground?
(She turns to see David and Agent S riding the seesaw having the time of their life. S catches her looking and immediately gets off of it. David still sits on it looking sad.)
AGENT A
Mature…
AGENT S
Nothing wrong with a little fun to keep the mood light before the world ends.
AGENT A
That’s more like the S I remember.
AGENT S
I’m right here. I didn’t go anywhere.
AGENT A
No?
(David still pouting on the seesaw.)
DAVID
It’s not going back up.
AGENT A
You’re just acting real different.
AGENT S
Well, you have been gone for a while. Maybe I’ve changed.
AGENT A
In just a year? People don’t change in only a year.
AGENT S
People change all of the time. Someone could change in three weeks if they wanted to.
AGENT A
I don’t think so.
AGENT S
They do.
AGENT A
If you say so.
AGENT S
What would you know about it? You’re not even human.
AGENT A
I won’t hold it against you.
AGENT S
What?
AGENT A
Being human.
AGENT S
Whatever.
AGENT A
So do you want to talk about it or no?
AGENT S
The no one.
AGENT A
You’re sure?
AGENT S
Why do you ask me what I want to do if you don’t care about what my answer is?
AGENT A
I don’t know. It felt like the right thing to do.
AGENT S
And you’re all about the right thing to do, aren’t you?
AGENT A
Excuse me?
AGENT S
Forget that I said anything.
AGENT A
No. That’s it. We’re going to talk about it.
AGENT S
No. We’re not. I told you-
DAVID
Hey guys!
AGENT S/AGENT A
What?!
DAVID
We have company.
(He points and we see Esli on one of the swings, watching. She wasn’t there before.)
AGENT S
I’m getting some serious deja vu.
DAVID
Who?
AGENT A
You’ve seen her before?
(Agent S ignores A and instead walks over to Esli. This time the little girl stays there. She keeps swinging calmly.)
AGENT A
S. You’ve seen her before?
(S again ignores her and instead focuses on the child)
AGENT S
You’ve been following us.
(No answer.)
AGENT S
She was at the cemetery this morning and then outside David’s shop and I swear I saw her outside of MIB when we left.
DAVID
I think she’s been following us, S.
AGENT S
I know, Dave. But why?
AGENT A
Maybe if you asked her.
AGENT S
I did.
AGENT A
No. You yelled at her.
AGENT S
I did not!
AGENT A
You’re yelling now.
AGENT S
I did not yell at her.
AGENT A
You did.
AGENT S
I definitely didn’t.
DAVID
You did… Kind of.
(Agent S glares at David then looks back at A)
AGENT S
Ok, ok. I’ll ask her.
AGENT A
Nicely.
AGENT S
We’re kind of in a hurry.
AGENT A
(reminding) Nicely.
AGENT S
(barely keeping it in) Nicely. Are you following us-
(He turns to face the little girl on the swing but she’s gone. The swing still moves back and forth even without a body on it.)
AGENT S
Where did she go?
AGENT A
She’s gone.
AGENT S
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
AGENT A
Who?
AGENT S
Ugh. Nevermind.
AGENT A
She’s gone.
AGENT S
I can see that A. I have eyes.
AGENT A
Where did she go?
AGENT S
If I knew that she wouldn’t be gone.
AGENT A
Maybe if you didn’t yell at her...
AGENT S
I WASN’T YELLING!
AGENT A
Good argument!
AGENT S
Now you’re yelling!
AGENT A
I’m not yelling!
AGENT S
You are!
AGENT A
Well then both of us are yelling!
AGENT S
I’m not yelling!
DAVID
Guys!
AGENT S/AGENT A
What?
DAVID
Sorry. I wanted to yell too. Also...
(points)
Behind you.
(They turn. Esli is standing right behind them.)
AGENT S
How’d she do that?
DAVID
As quietly as possible I think.
AGENT A
Hello. I’m A. What’s your name?
(No response)
AGENT A
How old are you?
(No response)
AGENT A
Where are your parents?
(No response)
AGENT S
(sarcastically) You’re doing a great job.
AGENT A
Well, I haven’t interrogated anyone in about a year and I wasn’t good at it before I went into hiding.
AGENT S
No kidding.
AGENT A
I would like to see you do any better.
AGENT S
Ok fine.
(Agent S pulls out his phone and shows Esli a picture of Agent X)
AGENT S
Do you know this man?
(Esli looks worried and takes a step back.)
AGENT S
That looks like a resounding yes.
AGENT A
I’d say so.
AGENT S
See? Now we’re getting somewhere.
AGENT A
Try not to yell.
(The tension is thick. S turns back to the little girl.)
AGENT S
Have you seen him recently?
(Esli looks from S to A then back to S.)
AGENT S
Maybe she doesn’t know anything.
(Esli points at A’s pocket.)
AGENT A
Or maybe she does.
(Agent A holds out the bug from earlier.)
AGENT S
You took it?
AGENT A
It’s our only clue.
AGENT S
J is going to be pissed.
AGENT A
That’s if we survive this in the first place. He’s already angry at me anyways. I’ll deal with it later. (To Elsi) Do you know what this is?
(Elsi holds out her hand and takes it. After a moment it comes to life filled with more energy than they’ve ever seen before.)
Play this song at 4:35
(It flies around the group in circles leaving a trail of light in its wake before landing back in her palm. Elsi looks up at them innocently. The light fades.)
AGENT S
Whoah. That’s so boss. How’d it do that?
AGENT A
I don’t know...
DAVID
Hey guys!
AGENT S/AGENT A
What?
DAVID
We have more company...
Play this song
(Just then a laser shot nearly misses A - mainly because Agent S dove onto her moving her out of the way. His body is on top of her shielding her. Once the dust clears they look at each other.)
AGENT A
Thanks.
AGENT S
I wasn’t going to lose you a second time.
AGENT A
What?
AGENT S
I… I don’t know. I didn’t mean it the way it came out, it came out very weird, but it came out like that and I am so sorry about it.
AGENT A
S-
AGENT S
-If there was a better way to say what I was trying to say I don’t know it.
AGENT A
S!
AGENT S
Huh?
AGENT A
Can you get off of me now?
AGENT S
Oh. Right.
(He rolls off and both of them draw their weapons. From across the way they see Agent X wave. He’s wearing what appears to be some otherworldly armor that he’s created. He smiles cheekily and gives a little wave before taking another few shots.)
AGENT X
“MIB agents… Come out to play…”
AGENT A
Oh I know that! It’s from The Warriors!
AGENT S
Oh sure. The Warriors you know!
(They return fire but their weapons are no match for whatever he’s wearing. The duck for cover continuing to take shots at X who is approaching. David hides in one of the covered, tubular slides.)
AGENT A
It’s not working!
AGENT S
I know! I know! Trust me I know.
AGENT A
Why isn’t it working?
AGENT S
I don’t know! I don’t know! Trust me I don’t know!
(David pokes his head out of the slide to take a peek, a shot barely misses him, and he quickly hides again.)
DAVID
He’s wearing some sort of armor that reflects what you’re firing!
AGENT S
Of course he is.
AGENT A
What do we do now?
AGENT S
Cover me.
AGENT A
You cover me.
DAVID
(panicked)
Cover each other!
(They run across the playground and over the various rides. X in pursuit. S lands on a roundabout that begins to spin and goes round and round as the shots miss him. He looks like he’s going to be sick. A meanwhile runs across a playground drawbridge in the air ducking behind the railing as she tries to distract X. She looks for Esli who is nowhere to be found. When she turns back around X is in front of her on the other side of the bridge.)
AGENT X
Agent A. What a surprise. Or should I say ambassador?
(She fires one shot and it bounces off.)
AGENT X
You like it? My own design.
(He taps his hand on the material that gives a metal klang.)
AGENT X
Made from the finest Nakkadan metal. Excellent quality, thick, extremely rare to come by. And repels Carbonizers and De-Atomizers to boot. Illegal to sell it in armor form for reasons that I’m sure you can now understand but… If you have the means to create your own… (Pause) You remember the Nakkadan’s don’t you? I think you remember one of them in particular.
AGENT A
How could you? You’re an MIB agent.
AGENT X
Was. And I’m soon to be so much more… You however…
(He lifts his weapon about to fire a shot dead on when he hears a whistle. He looks up to see Elsi waving at him from the ground. She then takes off toward the street. The light on the crosswalk is currently green and the traffic light red. Now ignoring A, X jumps down and chases her. His armor slows him down some. He crosses the street however once he reaches the middle traffic suddenly starts again mowing him down. The traffic light is green and the walk sign is red. Strange. A seizes the opportunity and jumps down, rushing over to S who is puking into the bushes.)
AGENT A
You ok?
AGENT S
Yeah never better. (pukes) I love recapturing my youth. (pukes again)
AGENT A
We have to go. David? David?
DAVID
Over here…
(She runs over to where the voice came from and ducks peering into the slide. David is cowering.)
AGENT A
You ok?
DAVID
It’s very loud.
AGENT A
I know. We’re leaving. Come on.
(She offers her hand and shyly he takes it)
DAVID
Did you save the day again?
AGENT A
No. I… I don’t know what happened.
(As she turns around with David, Esli is standing right there waiting for them)
DAVID
Is this ours now?
AGENT A
You want to come with us?
(The little girl just looks up at her)
AGENT A
Ok come on.
(We hear the sound of Agent S heaving one last time while the others walk past him)
AGENT A
Come on. We need to get out of here. He’ll be back and I don’t want us waiting here when he does.
AGENT S
(wiping at his mouth)
Back to headquarters?
AGENT A
No. He’s not after anything there. Not yet anyways.
AGENT S
But our weapons don’t work. J might have something else we can use.
AGENT A
J doesn’t know anything that we don’t know. I’ll keep him updated.
AGENT S
But our guns-
AGENT A
We’ll get new ones.
AGENT S
MIB has-
AGENT A
I know somewhere closer. We both know somewhere closer.
AGENT S
You don’t mean-
AGENT A
We need to make a pit stop.
EXT - JEEB’S CELL PHONE REPAIR - MORNING
(The sign above the shop reads Pawn which is crossed off, then after that it reads Auto which is crossed off, and the newest sloppy font reads Cell Phone Repair. David and Agent S walk toward the shop. Agent A and Elsi follow some distance behind them. David rushes up to S and tugs on his sleeve to get his attention.)
DAVID
So how long are you going to be mad at A?
AGENT S
I’m not mad.
DAVID
Now I know I’m only half human but I know mad when I see it.
AGENT S
Ok. So I’m mad. I have a right to be mad after being lied to. Wait a second… Why aren’t you mad?
DAVID
(happily with a shrug) Oh. I knew.
AGENT S
What? Since when?
DAVID
I dunno. Since day one I guess.
AGENT S
How? How did you-
DAVID
I figured it out.
AGENT S
How?
DAVID
I just felt it I guess. In here… (points to his stomach) In my gastrointestinal tract.
AGENT S
In your gut.
DAVID
Yeah. My gut. Don’t you ever get a feeling in your gut?
AGENT S
A gut feeling?
DAVID
Yeah.
AGENT S
Sometimes.
DAVID
But not about this.
AGENT S
No. I thought she was gone.
DAVID
And that makes you mad?
AGENT S
I guess so.
DAVID
Oh. Neat. (beat) Are you mad at her or at your gastrointestinal tract?
(They enter the shop. The bell above the door rings as the group enters. A is hidden behind the other three. Jeebs has his back to the group.)
JEEBS
Good morning. Welcome to Jeeb’s Cell Phone Repair. We’ll fix your phone screens, your desktops, your laptops, your speakers, your printers, your watches, your gaming systems, your roombas, your Ipads, I devices, and even your Ipods if you failed to catch up with modern technology of these recent times. We don’t judge.
(He sees that he left a box of stolen merchandise out in the open for all to see)
JEEBS
Oh how did those get here?
(He quickly throws the box of new Iphones, that are clearly still in the box and their store packaging, under his counter with a loud shatter.)
JEEBS
I also sell meth but I still keep this whole thing up because I like being home by 10 AM. Again, we don’t judge. What can I do for ya?
AGENT S
We’re looking for guns.
(Jeebs stops and slowly turns around. Sees S and David.)
JEEBS
Oh hey there, S.
AGENT S
Hey Jeebs.
JEEBS
Wasn’t expecting you today. It isn’t the first of the month.
AGENT S
Not here for your routine MIB safety inspection.
JEEBS
Ah. I see. Well, you can understand then that because I didn’t know you were coming why the shop looks the way it does. I didn’t have time to clean up.
AGENT S
You clean before I get here?
JEEBS
You couldn’t tell?
AGENT S
Guns, Jeebs.
JEEBS
Sorry. Can’t help ya. No guns here. What you see on the wall, that’s what I have and that is all.
(Agent A steps into view. Gun aimed.)
AGENT A
We both know that’s not true, Jeebs.
JEEBS
Hiya A.
AGENT A
Long time.
JEEBS
A whole wonderful year. Er- I mean good year. I mean great year.. Year. A whole year!
AGENT A
Nice to see you too.
JEEBS
You’re alive. I thought you were dead.
AGENT S
You’re not the only one.
AGENT A
The guns, Jeebs.
JEEBS
I don’t do that no more, A. I’m an honest working guy now. Trying to make a living even though you guys sure don’t make it easy being on my case for over twenty years. I’m just a wholesome cell phone repairman today who sells meth on the side. I’m like anybody else.
AGENT S
Not like anybody I know.
DAVID
I know people like this.
AGENT A
We don’t have time for this. I’m going to count.
JEEBS
Oh please don’t count. I hate it when you count.
AGENT A
One…
AGENT S
Come on Jeebs...
AGENT A
Two…
AGENT S
We both know how this is going to end.
JEEBS
You’re lucky I don’t call your boss!
AGENT S
That’s good. He’d probably like to come here and do it himself.
AGENT A
Three…
JEEBS
I’ll have you know I have cameras all over. If you so much as pull that trigger I’ll-
(Jeebs’ head explodes but A wasn’t the one who fired the gun. They all turn to see David, who had taken S’ gun, smoke coming from it.)
DAVID
You said we didn’t have the time.
(Back behind the counter we hear Jeebs’ squeaky voice as his head begins to grow back slowly.)
JEEBS
You dick. Twice! That’s twice you’ve shot me. You have no idea how much that hurts. It is never pleasant.
AGENT S
It doesn’t look like it.
AGENT A
Show us the merch Jeebs or he’s going to do it again.
DAVID
(excited) I am?
JEEBS
Ok! Ok!
AGENT S
We should threaten folks with David more often.
DAVID
It’s just nice to be included.
JEEBS
Come on. I don’t have all day.
(Jeebs takes them behind the counter and to a backroom that was hidden by a display case. The audience has never seen it before and neither have they. It is small. They all have to crawl or hunch to get in. Elsi can just walk right through. It’s a small, backroom casino. Some aliens play slots, others cards. A big alien with a cigar, Wazzu, a big green creature who takes up two seats and has many arms, is playing some more complex version of Black Jack.)
JEEBS
Here it is. Mi casa es su casa.
AGENT A
Do you even know what you’re saying?
JEEBS
Nope!
(He leads them past the tables and toward a booth that has all sorts of space weaponry on display)
JEEBS
So what can I do ya for? I’ve got a lovely De-Ionizer from 1994 here. Vintage. Also have a Fission Gun. The 334 model. Don’t ask me how I got it. I don’t even know.
AGENT A
Something that can break through Nakkadan metal.
(Quiet)
WAZZU
Nakkadan metal, you say? That’s illegal on this planet you know.
AGENT A
And this galaxy. Yeah, we’re aware.
WAZZU
Now why would you need a thing like that?
AGENT A
It’s not any of your business why.
WAZZU
No. Of course not. Unless, of course, I have the very thing that you’re looking for.
AGENT S
And you are?
WAZZU
Wazzu Birea.
AGENT A
The weapons dealer?
DAVID
Hi! Nice to meet you. I’m David!
(David goes in for the handshake and S protectively stops him without missing a beat. In the meantime Elsi gets bored and begins to climb under the card game tables exploring.)
WAZZU
I see that my reputation precedes me.
AGENT S
Why would we want your help?
WAZZU
Because I’m the one who sold the metal to the friend who you’re after. And I know what he’s after.
AGENT A
The beacon.
WAZZU
That’s right. And do you know what the beacon is?
AGENT A
What it does, yes. But we can’t find it anywhere.
WAZZU
That’s the point isn’t it? Nothing worth finding is ever easy.
AGENT S
Enough with the riddles. Come on A. This piece of solar trash isn’t going to help us.
(S begins to walk away dragging A with him.)
WAZZU
Why would I help you? An understandable question with a complicated answer that I can make quite simple. In the wrong hands it would lead to the end of our galaxy.
AGENT S
And you know all about the wrong hands, don’t you?
WAZZU
Tell me agents… Would Agent X be the wrong hands?
(They stop)
AGENT A
You do know him.
WAZZU
As I said, I sold to him. And, as is the case with cause and effect, I listened to him. Can you truly blame a man whose entire existence was erased and just wants to matter in a world that’s forgotten him?
AGENT S
Yeah, I can.
AGENT A
He doesn’t just want to matter. He wants to end it.
WAZZU
Or rule it. You didn’t think of that possibility did you?
AGENT S
That’s one heck of a way to matter. To have the ability to control everything electric or mechanical in the galaxy.
AGENT A
Everyone would have to come to him.
WAZZU
Impressive really. Especially for a human.
AGENT S
That’s one way of putting it.
AGENT A
Why would you sell to a man who you know would risk the livelihood of the very planet that you’re on?
WAZZU
I’m a business man first, agent. Common sense second. I sell to him and now, as it were, I sell to you and you stop him. It’s a win/win for me with double the profit.
AGENT A
And if we don’t… win?
WAZZU
I’ll worry about that when we get to it.
(It is then that all of the lights in the casino go out. Everyone speaks at once in alarm and then falls quiet. All at once the computers all turn on and begin to flash emerald green code in an alien language. They’re running rapidly. Then all of the lights in the casino turn back on.)
WAZZU
As it were, I think you’re already two steps ahead of our friend X with the beacon.
(Our heroes turn to see Elsi, on the other side of the room, with her hand on the power supply. Caught in the act.)
WAZZU
It seems like you’ve already found it.
INT - FRONT END OF JEEBS’ SHOP - DAY
(Jeebs is hurriedly ushering them out the door.)
JEEBS
Come on. Come on. Move! Move! You got what you needed. Now get out of here!
(He pushes them out onto the street with their new weapons.)
JEEBS
On the house.
(He closes the door. After a moment, it opens again)
JEEBS
Don’t come back!
(He closes the door again. The group begins walking to the Ford. The little girl skips in front of them.)
AGENT S
She’s... the beacon?
AGENT A
And I was the ambassador to a whole planet. Don’t act surprised.
AGENT S
Was?
(A pulls out her phone and presses a button)
AGENT A
Frank, tell J we’ve found the beacon and we’re heading back to MIB. See you soon.
(She hangs up. Quiet.)
AGENT S
You said was.
AGENT A
Did I?
AGENT S
Yeah you did.
AGENT A
Oh. Yeah. I stepped down.
AGENT S
Oh. When?
AGENT A
I think around the time when I was almost blown up.
AGENT S
Makes sense.
AGENT A
It was for the best. I like what I do here on Earth more. When I’m not in hiding that is.
AGENT S
Yeah.
AGENT A
It’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?
AGENT S
Always.
AGENT A
No. I mean… Here we are again. It’s almost like old times.
AGENT S
Yeah. I guess so.
AGENT A
I missed it.
AGENT S
Ok.
AGENT A
(really trying to get more out of him) Up against another mad man.
AGENT S
Pretty typical for this line of work.
AGENT A
You have to admit it’s kind of deja vu.
AGENT S
Huh?
AGENT A
What did the last guy want? The world to know that MIB existed. That he existed. That’s all X wants.
AGENT S
That and space domination.
AGENT A
Yeah, that too.
AGENT S
Don’t tell me you sympathize with this guy.
AGENT A
No. No. Of course not. I just find it interesting is all. Isn’t that all any of us want? Is to be heard. To not be forgotten?
(Agent S shrugs)
AGENT A
I imagine a lot of agents feel like they’re giving up their lives on a promise that they’re making the world a better place. Except what happens on the bad days? When they don’t? Who do they go home to? Empty houses and quiet. No one knowing that they exist. (beat) Listen, at any given time there are over three thousand aliens on the planet, most of them living here in Manhattan just trying to make a living like anybody else.
AGENT S
So let them be like anybody else.
AGENT A
By hiding? I don’t know what they’ve fed you S, they didn’t do that with me, but aliens don’t want to hide. We want to be just like everyone else. That includes being accepted. Look, ff you were you however many years ago, on the outside looking in, objectively… Wouldn’t you want to know?
AGENT S
People like it this way. This makes them feel like they have some part of their lives under control.
AGENT A
People are smart.
AGENT S
A person maybe. A group will panic and begin buying years worth of toilet paper so they can hull up in their homes afraid of what lies just outside. It’ll be anarchy.
AGENT A
Will they? Or is that just some archaic ideology some founders of a government organization who got together back in the sixties beat into your head?
AGENT S
Or maybe it’s something I agree with.
AGENT A
If you do, if you truly do… I think you underestimate what people can handle.
AGENT S
What do you mean?
AGENT A
I mean, you handled the whole ‘life on other planets’ deal, didn’t you? You didn’t know about any of this once. You’re human.
AGENT S
Sometimes I don’t feel like it.
AGENT A
Well, you are. And look at what you’ve seen and been able to process.
AGENT S
I’m still dealing with some of it.
AGENT A
I know. But you still were able to wrap your head around it.
AGENT S
Debatable.
AGENT A
And who’s to say how much of that is because you’ve been going at it alone? Maybe it would have been easier for you if people knew. I just think people deserve more than you give them credit for is all. Especially for being one of them.
AGENT S
Yeah and you’ve been so great at telling the truth haven’t you?
(Silence)
AGENT S
It doesn’t matter what I think anyways. Those are the rules and always have been. It’s been that way forever.
AGENT A
That doesn’t make it right. (beat) How many people were at K’s funeral? Yeah, I heard. How many?
AGENT S
Not a lot.
AGENT A
Do you think, with all that he did for this planet and the entire galaxy, K deserved more than a quiet send off attended by a couple of agents?
AGENT S
Agent K deserved a lot. More than we could ever give.
AGENT A
How many were at mine?
AGENT S
A, I don’t want to talk about this-
AGENT A
Too bad. We’re talking about it. It’s ok really. How many were at mine?
AGENT S
I don’t want to go down this road with you-
AGENT A
How many?
AGENT S
No-
AGENT A
How many?!
AGENT S
None, ok!
(Quiet)
AGENT S
(getting more and more upset as he goes on) None. We didn’t have one. I wanted to have one, or some sort of memorial service, but you want to know the funny thing about funerals, A? They’re a human ritual. And technically, you’re not a human, you’re some ambassador alien from planet who gives a fuck anymore so we can’t bury you in a human cemetery - that would have been crazy. “How could I even propose such a thing?” Especially since technically I wasn’t even a field agent and we, technically, weren’t even partners. Everything is so technical with you. I wasn’t technically your partner, I wasn’t technically a field agent on paper, and technically you weren’t even alive. And now, technically you’re back and I technically have to get over the fact that I thought, and apparently I was the only one who thought this, that you were dead. So you want to know what I did, A? I buried one of the only things that I had of yours. I took your sunglasses and I buried them like the idiot that I was. I buried a pair of sunglasses for my friend who I thought was dead. But, I guess, looking back on it, we weren’t technically friends and do you want to know how I know that, A? Because a friend would not let their friend blame themselves for going and getting blown up. A friend would not have let me spend every night crying because I thought I got them killed. A friend would have told me! That is what friends, what human friends, do.
AGENT A
I didn’t know...
AGENT S
No you didn’t. Now you do. And now you can leave me alone. Ok?
(He gives her work ID that he had been holding onto back to her)
AGENT S
Here you can have this back. Welcome back to MIB.
(Agent S picks up the pace and walks far ahead of her, helping to buckle Elsi into her seat in the car)
DAVID
Don’t worry about him. He’ll come around.
AGENT A
Yeah. I know. At least I hope so.
(She’s crying)
DAVID
You’re leaking.
AGENT A
Oh yeah. Sorry.
DAVID
It’s ok. Do we need to go to a doctor and get it looked at? Or a mechanic.
AGENT A
No. No. I’m ok. Well, I’m not ok but I’m not uh… Broken is what I mean. Well I am but not in the technical sense… I…. (sighs)
DAVID
It’ll be ok, A.
AGENT A
Why doesn’t it feel like that then?
(A beat.)
DAVID
I missed you.
AGENT A
You did?
DAVID
I think so! I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I mean, I’m not too knowledgeable about the whole ‘human emotions’ thing but I have to imagine that’s what missing feels like.
AGENT A
But you knew I was alive.
DAVID
Yes. (honestly) I think that made me miss you more.
AGENT A
(smiles)
Thank you for getting this back to me.
(She gestures to her necklace from the prior film)
DAVID
Always happy to help!
AGENT A
You know, I think when we’re back we’ll have to talk to J about making you an honorary Man in Black.
DAVID
Oh no. No thank you.
AGENT A
No? But you love the Men in Black.
DAVID
Oh I do! You guys are heroes! I just don’t think I could handle it. It’s a lot of pressure.
(He hurries to the car. She pulls out her phone.)
AGENT A
Hey, it’s me. I can’t get a hold of him. Can you let J know we’re on our way back with the beacon?
(Just then a series of shouts, yells. We see something hit her and she goes down. Agent X steps into view. Picks up the phone.)
AGENT X
Tell the chief that I said hello.
INT - MEN IN BLACK CHIEF’S OFFICE - DAY
(J storms in. Agent B on his tail, scribbling away. He’s J’s new secretary as he finally got fed up with Frank’s antics)
AGENT J
That’s the last you heard?
AGENT B
A series of shots. Some screams. Then someone saying to tell you hello. (oblivious) It didn’t sound sincere.
AGENT J
Agent X.
AGENT B
Oh! That’s right.
AGENT J
Boy, you are working my last nerve.
AGENT B
In a good way?
AGENT J
Get the hell out of here!
AGENT B
Right away sir.
(Agent B bows as he walks out of the room backwards)
AGENT J
And stop it with the bowing!
(Frank enters wearing a little jumpsuit. He is now the doggie janitor. J is pacing around his office trying to gather his thoughts)
FRANK
Hey J! How’s it hanging?
AGENT J
Not well Frank. Not well.
FRANK
Yeah I heard while I was on my way up here with my little doggie bag. Got any trash for me?
AGENT J
Not now, Frank!
FRANK
Wow, you look like a Basset Hound.
AGENT J
Frank-
FRANK
Defeated. You look defeated.
AGENT J
That’s cause I feel defeated Frank. X is out there and now he has S, A, that weird comic book weeble wobble, and the beacon.
FRANK
Ok. (beat, unaffected) So go and get ‘em.
AGENT J
It’s not that easy Frank.
FRANK
It’s not?
AGENT J
No. First I have to find them, then I have to go out there and get them.
FRANK
That’s a good two step plan, J.
AGENT J
I’m the chief now, Frank. I can’t just leave.
FRANK
Since when?
AGENT J
Since always.
FRANK
Says who?
AGENT J
I- Uh…. I’m not sure. But someone said it. It’s always been that way.
FRANK
Just cause it’s always been that way doesn’t mean it has to go on being that way. You think every time a poodle tells me that they aren’t attracted to pugs I wave my white flag in defeat. No. I weasel my way into their hearts like a bad case of kennel cough and then it’s already too late. They love me because I gots the gift of charm.
(Frank drops down and starts licking his balls)
AGENT J
That’s gross, man.
FRANK
Yeah. And so am I! I’m Frank the pug. I’m gross but the bitches love me. You can be more than one thing. You’re Agent J and you’re the chief. How do those two things go together for you?
AGENT J
I don’t know.
FRANK
Maybe because you haven’t ever approached it as yourself before. Ain’t nobody stopping you but you, dog.
AGENT J
I wouldn’t know where to start.
FRANK
Since when does ‘the devil may care Agent J’ care about knowing where to start? I don’t like this look on you, kid.
AGENT J
I’ve failed them, Frank. A and S. My partners. I’ve failed them both in one day. Then, if that wasn’t enough, I let down the whole galaxy. K never failed me once. Some MIB agent that I turned out to be…
(He plops down in his chair. Frank leaves, digs around in his desk under Agent B’s feet who just lets it happen, returns with something in his mouth)
FRANK
I think that you need to take a look at this.
(Frank drops a videotape at J’s feet)
AGENT J
What is it?
FRANK
I’m throwing you a bone here, J. Just watch it.
(In his office by himself Agent J puts in the videotape. After a few moments of static we see Agent K, in his suit, sitting behind a desk.)
AGENT J
K…
AGENT K
You’re late.
AGENT J
Uh… Sorry. Last track of time.
AGENT K
Is this thing even working?
AGENT J
It’s recording.
AGENT K
How do I tell if it’s even on?
AGENT J
It’s on.
AGENT K
Oh it’s on. (a beat) Knowing you, and I do, you’re probably wondering why I left this tape behind. You’re probably also wondering why I entrusted it to a pug with a drinking problem but to tell you the truth I’m wondering that myself. I guess blame the old age and my newfound blind optimism. How the hell do we know what we don’t know anyway? Now, you know I’m not the kind of guy who’s in touch with his feelings like today’s youth, but I also know that you can get down on yourself, and retired I have nothing but time and I’m fresh out of ship in a bottle kits, so here we are. I instructed Frank to give you this tape when he felt that you needed it most and if you’re watching it, which you are because who else would waste the time, that means that the time is now. Alright kid, here’s the deal. In our line of work we’re going to face our fair share of trials and tribulations. It’s not every day that you find yourself on the hungry end of a giant subway worm except that it is for us. That’s our reality. We see the worst of the worst. And I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t spend some nights up wondering what my life would be like if I took a different path. If I didn’t take that deal when it was offered to me. If I decided that I wasn’t strong enough. Oftentimes those late nights I would focus on what I was missing out on. Wife, kids, family… You see Slick, it’s a strange thing humanity because we, as humans, tend to focus only on what we’re missing and not what we already have. It was only when I took a step back and looked in that I realized not just what I had lost but what I was getting too. And it’s an awful lot. I think old age, which we as a species, are so afraid of, also provides this thing called clarity. Maybe you’re not there yet, so I’ll enlighten you- It’s my job to even now when I’m not getting paid for it. It’s true that the job is draining, tough, and lonely work but I challenge you to find something more rewarding. I realize that my time served was a long, long time and we’re not here forever…But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the galaxy. Now, I know that sounds like me blowing smoke up your ass but having the time to step away and look back on it it’s the God’s honest truth. Now, I bet you’re asking yourself how do I believe in God when I know the secrets that space holds? Again, how do you know what you don’t know? This I know to be true. Imagine what I’ll know tomorrow.
(Agent J smiles)
AGENT K
Oh, and another thing, Slick. We don’t get to pick our coworkers anymore than we get to pick our family. But J, I’m a lucky man because I got to pick both with you. I am so proud of how far you’ve come. How far you’ll continue to go. It has been my privilege, James Darrell Edwards. Now, drink your coffee. Wipe that smile off your face. You’ve got work to do.
(K picks up a fork and a plate with a piece of pie. Takes a bite.)
AGENT K
And have some pie after a long day’s work when you can. I left a tab open at the diner. You know the one. It’s the little things. (beat) Now how do I turn this thing off?
(The tape ends. We look away from the tape to see that J is gone and the door to his office is open.)
Play this song
(We see J approach his old locker. He suits up with weaponry, puts his sunglasses on, gets his old agent badge and clips it on. Walks past Idikiukup and Bob picking up what they had printed out for him. They’ve found where X is hiding. Agent J walks across the bullpen with everyone slowly turning to watch him. He gets into the elevator. Turns out. The doors close. They open again in the lobby where he walks out calmly. Alpheus, as usual, is reading the newspaper.)
ALPHEUS
Heading out for the day, Chief?
AGENT J
Have something to handle, Alpheus. Hold the fort down.
ALPHEUS
You’ve got it. (turns the page) Go out there and raise some hell.
(Agent J exits. He heads to his car: a Ford. Steps inside and off he goes.)
INT - AGENT X’S WARE HOUSE - NIGHT
(Agent A opens her eyes and discovers that she’s tied up. Looking around she sees that S and David are tied up as well. David is, of course, wide awake and just looking around like nothing is wrong.)
AGENT A
David… Where are we?
DAVID
A warehouse I think.
AGENT A
Where is X?
DAVID
He was here a minute ago to make sure that we were all still tied up. I think he’s waiting for something.
AGENT A
What?
DAVID
I don’t know. I didn’t ask. (beat, innocently) Should I have?
AGENT A
Where’s the girl?
DAVID
Esli?
AGENT A
She spoke?
DAVID
Oh no. That’s just what the sign says.
(He points to the picture of Esli that X stuck on the wall earlier. A looks and when she looks back David is now playing with a kitty blissfully unaware of any danger.)
DAVID
Oh. I like you very tiny and furry Earth person. I like you very much.
AGENT A
David...
DAVID
Oh. You have a tiny motor inside of you. How inventive. Where is this tiny motor tiny Earth person?
AGENT A
David! Where’s Esli?
DAVID
She’s ok. She’s over there.
(He points. Esli has a chain around her waist but her hands are free and she’s playing with the stray cat that found its way in. She looks like she has a concern in the world)
AGENT A
At least someone is having fun.
AGENT A
S… S….
AGENT S
(groggy) Hm?...
AGENT A
It’s going to be ok. We’re going to get out of here.
AGENT S
(groans) Bitchin’.
AGENT A
There’s the agent I know.
DAVID
But A- How are we gonna get out of here?
AGENT J
With a little help.
(They turn and see Agent J sneak in)
AGENT A
J!
AGENT J
Sh… I’m coming. I’m coming. Give me some time. Don’t move as fast as I used to.
AGENT A
It’s because you’re getting up there in age..
AGENT J
Do you want to get rescued or not?
AGENT A
With age comes wisdom.
AGENT J
Watch it…
(J unties David first.)
DAVID
The one and only Agent J.
AGENT J
That’s the one.
AGENT A
The one and only.
DAVID
One of a kind.
AGENT A
Never have another one like it.
AGENT J
Ok, ok. You two done reading my credits now? There you go.
(He unties Agent S. Then goes over to Esli to see her situation. Esli holds up the cat for him to see. J is unamused.)
AGENT J
You’re not Arquillian are you?
(Seeing she’s locked in he searches the walls for a key.)
AGENT J
David, take S and get out of here.
DAVID
You know my name.
AGENT J
What? Uh.. Yeah.
DAVID
Agent J knows my name.
(David rushes over to S and picks him up, helping him out of the building. For the time being J gives up on the girl and goes back to A untying her.)
AGENT A
I knew you’d come.
AGENT J
You did, huh?
AGENT A
Yup.
AGENT J
Well, that’s impressive cause I didn’t even know if I was coming myself until a half hour ago.
AGENT A
I just knew. (moment) Listen, don’t worry about me. You get her out of here. She’s the beacon.
AGENT J
You’re kidding right?
AGENT A
No. She is we-
AGENT J
I don’t mean about the kid being the beacon. That makes sense to me. Stranger things have happened. I meant me not getting you out of here first.
AGENT A
J-
AGENT J
I’m not leaving you here kid.
AGENT A
But the beacon-
(Esli is still playing with a cat happily)
AGENT J
Will be ok. Just sit still.
(As he works)
AGENT J
You knew I’d come for you, huh?
AGENT A
Yes. But I don’t know why. I never know why with anything you do. You say you do most things just because you know it feels right.
AGENT J
That’s true. But it’s a little different with this though.
AGENT A
It is? How?
(He gets her free and she stands)
AGENT J
Well, I uh…. (pause) I lost my dad as a little kid and then K came and took me under his wing and kind of filled that void for me. He was someone to talk to and who always looked after me. Hell, he’s still looking out for me. I guess, I kind of hope that I’ve been doing the same for you, ya know?
AGENT A
You have.
AGENT J
It’s like… We don’t get to pick our coworkers or our family and with you and I.. we kind of did both. Ya know?
AGENT A
Yeah. I understand.
AGENT J
Don’t they have fathers on your planet?
AGENT A
Some version of them.
AGENT J
Cool.
(He looks up to a hole in the warehouse’s roof where you can see the twinkling stars in the night sky.)
AGENT J
They’re beautiful aren’t they? Stars. I never really look at them anymore but they actually are, uh, nice…
AGENT A
J, I know.
AGENT J
Know what?
(Agent J and A move to Elsi trying to figure out her chain)
AGENT A
That you’re sick. That you’ve been sick. That’s why you took the Chief job when O retired. Why else would she give you that job? She said it was over her dead body.
AGENT J
Or mine. (pause as he works) How long did you know.
AGENT A
A while… Two years.
AGENT J
You didn’t say anything.
AGENT A
I figured you would bring it up when you were ready to talk about it.
AGENT J
And that time is now?
AGENT A
No time like the present.
AGENT J
Let's talk about it later.
AGENT A
Agreed.
AGENT J
Where is the damn key?!
AGENT X
Looking for this?
(We see Agent X holding it up and tossing it to the ground. Weapons drawn)
AGENT X
Nice of you to join us Agent J. Though… (he looks around) It looks as though this party is a bit more sparsely attended than I previously thought. Then again, I suppose the guests who matter are here.
AGENT J
I’d ask why you’re doing this but we all know why.
AGENT X
Oh and why is that? I’d love to hear.
AGENT J
You’re selfish.
AGENT X
Selfish? Selfish? I’ll tell you what’s selfish! An organization who fails to look out for their employees post retirement because they’ve already chewed them up and spit them out. Selfish is taking a job title that you didn’t deserve. Selfish is knowing where this beacon was all along, and that we humans could use it to become the most powerful force in the galaxy and telling no one. That’s selfish. No. This is for self preservation and a good chunk of respect.
AGENT J
Yeah. See? Selfish.
(That’s enough for X. He snaps.)
AGENT X
I’ll show you selfish.
(He releases fire causing A and J to duck to avoid being hit. They’re hiding behind a big bin but holes are getting blown in it fast.)
AGENT A
Any bright ideas?
AGENT J
Gimme a second.
AGENT A
I don’t think we have a second.
AGENT J
Two seconds.
AGENT A
No seconds! What are we gonna do? That metal is strong against any of the weapons that you brought with you and he took ours.
(A beat)
AGENT J
Ok. I got one.
AGENT A
What?
AGENT J
A bright idea. You’re not gonna like it.
AGENT A
Try me.
AGENT J
Gonna take a page out of your book.
AGENT A
What… No!
AGENT J
Listen, it’s our only option. One of us has to do it. You said it yourself. Our weapons aren’t going to penetrate his armor but a blast might. (makes up his mind) I am so proud of you, kiddo. It’s been my privilege.
(He runs out at X. X aims his weapon.)
AGENT X
See you around, J.
AGENT J
No. You won’t.
(J opens his coat to reveal some sort of space bomb that he smuggled in under his clothes from MIB. X gasps but J presses the button and launches and holds onto X for dear life. It goes off. Agent A covers Esli with herself and a fallen piece of metal roof as it goes off. Things go quiet. A’s ears are buzzing. She re-emerges to see both X and J. They’re dead. She does her best not look at them again as she searches for the key. She hears a soft jingle. She follows it and finds the cat hidden behind some crates. He’s pawing at it using it as a toy. She picks it up and walks over to Esli unlocking her.)
AGENT A
Go.
(Esli nods and runs out. A gives one last look back at J. There is a sound from above and a beam, dislocated by the blast, falls down threatening to hit her. That’s when a force knocks her off her feet and shields her from it. She opens her eyes to see Agent S.)
AGENT S
You really gotta practice staying out of trouble.
AGENT A
You came back.
AGENT S
You’re my friend. What was I gonna do? Keep being mad.
AGENT A
So you WERE mad.
AGENT S
Can we talk about this later?
EXT - OUTSIDE OF WAREHOUSE
(Agents S and A exit arm in arm. Helping each other out.
AGENT A
He wasn’t totally wrong you know. People should know who they were.
AGENT S
Yeah.
(They stumble toward their car and they’re greeted by Frank, an MIB team, and most importantly David and Esli who run and hug them. Frank barks. Sees J isn’t with them. His pug face falls and he whimpers.)
Play this song
EXT - CEMETARY - MORNING
(We now see a funeral much like K’s except it’s Agent J’s. Shot for shot it is the same except Agent A is also there this time. Everyone pays their respects one by one. A close up on the tombstone that reads James Darrell Edwards: 1965-2020. Leader, Friend, Father.)
EXT - MEN IN BLACK HEADQUARTERS - CHIEF’S OFFICE - DAY
(Agent S and A stand side by side in their suits. Solemn. Awaiting their usual reaming from whoever the new Chief is)
AGENT B
The new chief will be with you in one second.
(Agent B leaves the room)
AGENT S
So who do you think it is?
AGENT A
Don’t ask me. No idea.
AGENT S
Could be anyone.
AGENT A
Literally anyone.
AGENT S
You name it. It’s probably them.
AGENT A
Leo from accounting.
AGENT S
Can see it.
AGENT A
One of the worms?
AGENT S
All of the worms. Stacked up one on top of the other into one individual. In a trenchcoat.
AGENT A
Of course in a trenchcoat.
AGENT S
The image is only complete in a trenchcoat.
AGENT A
No trench coat. No deal. I’m out of here if there’s no coat.
AGENT S
Me too.
AGENT B
A, S, meet your new acting MIB Chief.
(Alpheus Merchant, the man from the lobby from all of the films, steps into view. Newspaper under his arm.)
ALPHEUS
Good morning, agents.
AGENT A/S
(dumbfounded) Uh…
ALPHEUS
Surprised?
AGENT S
You’re the new chief?
ALPHEUS
I told you. I do more than guard a door around here you know.
AGENT S
Apparently.
AGENT A
Congratulations, sir.
ALPHEUS
Thank you. And thank you both for your work on the beacon case. The Laolions were very happy that they could come back out of hiding. They’re beginning to rebuild their society on one of Jupiter’s moons.
AGENT A
That’s good news.
ALPHEUS
The beacon sends her regards.
AGENT S
How?
(Agent A elbows him hard)
ALPHEUS
I look forward to the continued successes of you both.
AGENT S
Both?
(Agent A elbows him again)
AGENT A
Both of us, sir?
ALPHEUS
Yes. The benefit of sitting downstairs all day is you have plenty of time to observe. I know now not only where to improve the organization but also its function. You two make a good team. It would be foolish of me to break you apart based on a technicality.
AGENT A
Thank you sir.
ALPHEUS
Things are going to be different around here. I think you’ll approve. (beat) Not that it matters. Because I’m in charge… Finally.
AGENT A
Thank you sir.
ALPHEUS
You’re dismissed. Go out there and raise all kinds of hell.
(He picks up a newspaper from his desk and reads.)
Play this song
EXT - NYC STREET - MORNING
(Agent A stands at a newsstand. We follow her gaze to see all of the magazine and tabloid covers: Woman Gives Birth to Alien Spawn, When Mars Attacks, Up Close Look at Real Spaceship. The last one reads: Man Saves World from Alien Attack. On it is a picture of Agent J. The publication is revealed to be The New York Times. The NY Post headline reads We are Not Alone. Other publications carry similar titles. The word is out. Agent A smiles, pays for her drink, and walks away. We see David join her, taking her hand as they walk together. Frank at their heels. Agent S rushes up to them talking animatedly. We see Esli step into view, unseen by the group. She waves at the camera then looks up to the sky. The camera follows her view and we catch a UFO racing by in broad daylight.)
THE END