Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first thing you should know about Yang Jungwon is that he’s a stickler for the rules. He always has been, really. He wasn’t a meek child by any stretch of the word, but holding a certain respect for the metaphorical line in the sand was ingrained into him from a young age. He still played around but never enough to disrupt the precarious status quo. He never underwent a rebellious teenager phase either, content to smile at his friends' jokes and subsequent punishments but never daring to partake in their rule-skirting himself.

Jungwon likes rules. They offer a solid framework to fit himself into; there’s no room for error. He prefers it this way.

The second thing ties into the first thing. He’s the leader of a K-pop group, working in an industry which tends to have far more rules than others. Some of those rules had been explicitly outlined in their contract, a long bullet-pointed list right above the dotted line, while some rules remained decidedly unspoken. And, as leader, Jungwon had been bestowed with the job of figuring out what they have to steer clear of.

The third, and probably most important, thing is that Jungwon is inexorably in love with Kim Sunoo. The problem, of course, is he’s pretty sure one of those unspoken rules is don’t fall in love with your bandmate. It’s perhaps the only rule he’s failed to follow in all of his seventeen years of life.

Let’s start from the beginning.

He never really noticed Sunoo as a trainee. They ran in different circles: different groups of friends, different training schedules, different walks of life.

Their paths would occasionally cross, nods exchanged in the unending hallways or practising in the same room, but nothing ever went beyond that. Sunoo would immediately come from school and practise for an indeterminate number of hours before leaving to do homework and keep on top of his studies, while Jungwon preferred to stay behind at school and then wile away the rest of the night with a horde of other sweaty, exhausted trainees. As a result, he never really paid attention to Sunoo.

Once, he'd been waiting outside one of the vocal rooms and heard Sunoo singing. Jungwon acknowledged he had a nice voice, but didn't everyone here have a nice voice? Sunoo was nothing special in that regard. In fact, Jungwon dismissed Sunoo as one of those trainees who inevitably dropped out for one reason or another.

At the time, Jungwon believed he was developing a sixth sense for this kind of people-reading. Sunoo, he could tell, just didn't have the drive to become an idol. Jungwon gave him a few more months before he would leave without fanfare — as so many trainees often did — and Sunoo's go-to fun fact in university icebreakers would be I was actually supposed to be in HYBE's new boy group.

Which, looking back on it now, was an entirely incorrect assessment on Jungwon's part. He knows better now, especially when it comes to someone as complicated to read as Sunoo.

Sunoo's willpower to succeed had been clear to him the minute I-Land started.

I-Land passed in a flurry of activity: a parade of boys rotating in and out of a revolving door, the same gruelling schedule day after day, the bone-deep exhaustion living within him. That exhaustion compounded by anxiety made him the most tired he’s ever been; their schedules nowadays don’t compare.

It was more of a fever dream than anything; Jungwon's not sure he even remembers most of it now, least of all Sunoo. He had more pressing things to think about.

Jungwon had gone into I-Land with the distant knowledge that he would almost certainly make it into the final line-up. He prides himself on his objectivity: he’s good-looking, a good singer, a good dancer. But talent means nothing up to a certain point. More importantly, the key to success is simply being likeable. He’s always excelled at making people like him: schoolteachers, peers, the trainers at the company, family members he only sees once every two years, and so on. He knows what people like to see, what traits are valued.

So, apart from a couple of minor stumbles and consequent invasions of self-doubt, he’s feeling pretty secure in his position.

He hadn’t expected so many of the other contestants to fawn over him, to already look towards him with a mix of respect and admiration. They would seek him out for help and advice, offer heartfelt confessions of I can’t do this without you. As if he was their leader already. Jungwon doesn’t think they even knew they were doing it; it had been subconscious.

(It was different to how Heeseung had been treated. Everyone was in agreement that he was deserving of the pedestal they placed him upon. It was good marketing from the production side of things too. Jungwon was just the outlier, sneaking in and pulling out threads of the carefully-woven plan.)

And then there had been Sunoo, who hadn’t cared about Jungwon at all. That had been intriguing from the start.

Sometimes, he meets people who are harder nuts to crack in this regard. These people just need a bit more work to transition from indifference to appreciation. Sunoo seemed to belong to this group, which Jungwon didn’t mind. He grows bored easily and a challenge like this would inject some excitement into his life.

A shame that his life, as it stood then, didn’t need any more excitement. There wasn’t much opportunity for him to dial up the charm either. It’s a survival show, after all, and getting time to themselves was a rare occurrence. When they were allowed some free time, Sunoo often makes himself scarce and disappears to somewhere unknown. Soon enough, Jungwon forgets about his mission.

On the last day of filming, Jungwon isn’t thinking about anything other than himself. He has to make it into the group, there’s no way he won’t. He has to. He repeats this to himself over and over, a mental stream of I have to I have to I have to as if he can secure his debut through sheer force of will. The other trainees look like they’re all trying to attempt the same, so Jungwon grits his teeth and focuses entirely on his mantra.

Even when the places get called one by one, he doesn’t stop chanting those three words. On the surface, he’s pleasantly smiling and clapping and cheering and he’s happy for his fellow trainees, of course he is, but he needs this just as much as they do.

By the time he’s called as first place, he thinks his heart may actually jump through his chest and drop to the floor in exhaustion. His legs shake as he walks and he’s too jittery to compose himself. I have to I have to I have to is still coursing through his mind even as he gives his speech and it refuses to cease until he’s standing next to the other trainees. His other members. Safe.

For the first time, he notices that Sunoo isn’t in the line-up. That simple fact is surprising enough, but then Jungwon bites the inside of his cheek once he’s struck with the realisation that he wants to debut with Sunoo. He purposefully hadn’t formed any kind of wishlist for this as he knew that would only lead to more disappointment and heartbreak, which is why it comes as somewhat of a shock to him that looking at Sunoo supplies him with a kind of fierce desperation. Sunoo should be up here with the rest of them.

An excruciating amount of time later, Jungwon gets his wish. Sunoo’s so overwhelmed with emotion that he almost collides into Jungwon when they hug and Jungwon squeezes his shoulders and inexplicably thinks thank god, close to being overwhelmed himself.

When the cameras finally stop rolling and they’re sequestered in a small room backstage which seems to be the dumping ground for the staff’s coats, Jungwon releases a breath in what feels like the first time in hours. He’s made it. He can relax now.

Half of him had expected an awkward silence to fall between them, while the other half had expected loud cheering and voices jumping over each other. The reality falls somewhere in the middle: Heeseung, Jongseong, and Sunghoon are talking and laughing together whereas Jake and Niki are conversing in low tones. That leaves him and Sunoo.

“Congratulations,” Jungwon says to him sincerely. “I knew you’d debut. The fans really love you, huh?”

Sunoo’s smile is frayed at the edges with exhaustion and residual adrenaline, but blinding nonetheless. “Thank you! I knew you would make it, Jungwon-ah, I'm glad we're debuting together." As Jungwon is left blinking at this admission, Sunoo tacks on regretfully: “The hardest part will be making that love last.”

“What?” Jungwon asks, confused. Then he realises. “Oh, the fans. I’m sure you won’t have any problems with that. You’re so popular, hyung.”

“Thank you,” Sunoo says, more subdued this time. “I guess we’ll see in a few months’ time.”

Jungwon shrugs. “I’m sure things will work out. We’ve had good luck so far, right?”

“We’ll see,” Sunoo repeats. “A lot can change in such a short amount of time.”

At the time, Jungwon had dismissed that for the warning it was. Now he wishes he hadn’t.

It began right before their debut. Jungwon blames their music video.

"For this scene," the director is ordering over the cacophony of background noises, "I want Sunoo-ssi and Jungwon-ssi to be sitting here and facing the camera." A gesture towards the set. "And Sunoo-ssi, you'll lean in and act like you're about to bite Jungwon-ssi's neck. I'll call cut before you actually touch him. Feel free to practise it now before it's your turn to shoot."

They nod and scuttle away to the very back of the room, a small distance away from the other members waiting for their own go-aheads. It's Heeseung's turn to shoot now and Jungwon absently watches him shoot longing looks into the camera. From what Jungwon's seen so far, none of them really have amazing acting skills. It's why he says what he does.

"If you can't fake it, then you can bite me for real," he tells Sunoo teasingly. "Just try not to make it hurt."

He only meant it as a joke, something to lighten the creeping tension between them, but Sunoo brightens in anticipation. "Really?"

There's a beat of silence before Jungwon laughs weakly. It was clearly a joke. Obviously he doesn’t want Sunoo biting his neck. "No."

"Oh," Sunoo says quietly, and his expression shifts into something more guarded. "Right. Of course."

They decide to ignore the director's advice to practise, instead choosing to silently watch the others finish up their own scenes. Jungwon feels slightly awkward now; he's even starting to regret saying no to the whole neck biting. It can't hurt that much, after all, and maybe it was rude of him to deny Sunoo the opportunity to—

"You're up," their manager informs them, waving a hand in front of Jungwon's face when he doesn't respond.

Sunoo nudges him with his elbow and Jungwon comes back to himself with a startle. "Thanks," he mutters with a hint of embarrassment and skirts around her to walk onto set.

At least the awkwardness doesn't show between them on camera. The scene goes off without a hitch — Sunoo is perfectly able to make the lean-in look convincing — and the director congratulates them on their chemistry. Yeah, right.

"Good job today, guys," Jungwon says once they're all back at the dorm, injecting some cheer into his voice because he's still trying to find what works and what doesn't. The leader role feels less and less like an ill-fitting suit with each day that passes, but he can't help being scared that he'll rip the seams with one wrong move.

Jongseong gives him an amused look but it's Sunoo who Jungwon ends up locking eyes with. Jungwon's heart skips a beat, mind flashing back to the possibility of Sunoo's mouth on his neck, and something stirs in his chest. It’s simultaneously recognisable and unfamiliar, which is how he knows it’s really not something he should be feeling when engaged in a staring contest with his bandmate.

Then Sunoo breaks eye contact and spins on his heel without a word. A couple of minutes later, Jungwon hears the shower running. Jungwon wouldn’t ordinarily call himself a pessimist but he thinks this situation warrants the suffocating sense of doom enveloping him. Even after he hears Sunoo leave the bathroom twenty minutes later, Jungwon refuses to venture any further into the apartment until he's sure Sunoo is asleep.

It's two-fifty a.m. and all Jungwon wants to do is fall into bed, but he wiles away the next fifteen minutes by talking about tomorrow's schedule with Heeseung. When Heeseung calls it quits, Jungwon mentally prepares himself and pushes open the bedroom door as quietly as possible.

Sunoo's back is to the room but Jungwon trusts the deep, even breathing he's being greeted with. Sunghoon is similarly dead to the world, despite the glow from Niki's phone on the next bed over. Niki only briefly glances up when Jungwon walks in before going back to scrolling.

Jungwon lies in bed, staring at the shape of Sunoo underneath his covers despite the way his eyes burn from exhaustion, and thinks what if what if what if.

He convinces himself that it doesn’t mean anything. A momentary lapse in mental fortitude caused by vast environmental changes and general proximity to each other. Or something. His high school teachers would be proud of such a verbose conclusion.

The point is it’s normal. It’s normal for Jungwon to fantasise about kissing one of his members when he’s a teenage boy away from home, living and working and eating and sleeping with the same six boys every single day. That kind of constant accessibility tricks his brain into thinking it can concoct something more intimate between them — it’s natural for his hormones to go a little haywire and start putting ideas in his head of what it would be like to kiss one of his members. That member just happens to be Sunoo. It’s not a big deal.

And, most importantly, it was a one-off. Now Jungwon can effectively guard himself and build up his mental fortresses so it won’t happen again. There’ll be no more thoughts about Sunoo slipping through cracks in the walls and disrupting his peace of mind. There won’t be a repeat instance, he’s sure of it.

His hypothesis falls apart a few days later.

They’re filming something outside, some behind-the-scenes video for the fans. It’s a typical November day, cold and dry, and Jungwon draws his blanket tighter around him. They still have to film the choreography out here, and Jungwon is eager to get this over with and collapse into bed after taking a hot shower.

While Heeseung and Jake are talking to the camera about the day they’ve had so far, Sunoo sidles up to him. Jungwon glances at him and instinctively smiles at the bird’s nest the wind has made of his hair.

“Don’t laugh,” Sunoo admonishes lightly. “I’m trying to hide from coordi-noona, she keeps attacking me with her hairspray.”

“And for good reason,” Jungwon says playfully. “It’s a mess.”

This aspect of their relationship is still new; for some reason, it’s harder for Jungwon to be an impertinent dongsaeng to Sunoo than to the other older members. It’s difficult for Jungwon to joke around with him, but he likes to think they’re growing more comfortable around each other.

“But it’s so stiff and gross now,” Sunoo grumbles. He lowers his chin so Jungwon is directly faced with the crown of his head. “Go on, touch it and see.”

Jungwon does and his fingers come away slimy. “Ew.”

“Right?” Sunoo pats his head and makes a face. “And I’m cold.”

“You complain so much,” Jungwon tells him, but opens up the blanket anyway.

Sunoo huddles into his side and Jungwon wraps the blanket around his back so they’re squished together like penguins. Jungwon feels himself growing warmer already, apart from his unlucky fingers which have flushed a darker shade. If only they could have filmed this video in a nice, warm summer. It would be annoyingly humid, sure, but humidity is nothing in the face of this biting iciness.

“This is a lot better,” Sunoo announces after a couple of minutes. They’re the same height, which means Sunoo’s nose brushes Jungwon’s cheek as he turns his head slightly. “Hey, you actually run pretty warm.”

“Do I?” The director is tapping his foot impatiently as he scans the existing footage; it won’t be long before they’re called up again. At least the dancing will warm them up. “I think it’s just the blanket, to be honest.”

“Nah,” Sunoo says cheerfully. “Niki-yah is always so cold, even when we sleep together. His feet are freezing and they just refuse to warm up. And I keep telling him that I wish he would stop, like, sticking his feet against mine because they never warm up anyway and it’s making me colder but he always ignores me!”

Jungwon hums absently. He’s not getting jealous of Sunoo and Niki sleeping together. He’s not. In fact, he’s seen it with his own eyes countless times when he has to wake them up in the morning. Maybe he’d been too tired to really register it then, because what explains this gnawing feeling in the centre of his chest?

His eyes locate Niki with an alarming speediness and the ensuing muddle of emotions is enough for him to step away from Sunoo quickly, as if a bolt of electricity has just zapped them apart. This is all wrong.

“Sorry,” Jungwon says shamefully, refusing to look at Sunoo. “I just remembered I need to talk to hyung about something. Um, keep the blanket.”

Sunoo shifts, smile gone from his face. “Oh, okay.”

Jungwon wraps his end of the blanket around Sunoo’s shoulder, not touching him any more than is necessary, and power-walks to where there’s a gaggle of their managers off set. He tries to come up with a different explanation for what happened but he can’t think of another reason for the vitriol of his thoughts directed at Niki. It was pure jealousy, plain and simple.

And jealousy, he knows, is a killer in this industry. Sunoo, by way of being an idol, receives so much love and appreciation from so many people that Jungwon’s heart would give out if he felt jealous of every tender hand or bright smile. He doesn’t have any kind of claim to Sunoo — believing that would create a breeding ground of resentment within him.

And he doesn’t want that.

He makes a conscious decision to avoid Sunoo after that. It’s a decision Jungwon will stick by for as long as it’s needed — he needs to nip this in the bud now before it develops into something more. And what better way to do that than distance himself from Sunoo?

At first, all that does is make everything worse. He starts to miss Sunoo, achingly. He hadn’t realised the extent of his feelings, how deep this actually goes. Jungwon was under the impression he was stopping this before it developed into something more serious, but now he’s learning that it seems to already have happened without his knowing.

To add insult to injury, Sunoo is inescapable. Of course he is — they’re in the same group and about to debut together. Everything they do now has to be in a group while they prepare for the date that looms ever closer. Group selfie, group filming, group meeting. It’s to build relationships, the company says. It will help them to be less awkward with each other.

At any other time, Jungwon would be leaping on this and encouraging all of the other members to follow suit. But this kind of team-building isn’t conducive to his plans for avoiding Sunoo. Everywhere he turns, every room he walks into and every hallway he goes down, Sunoo’s laugh is there waiting for him. Even hearing it makes Jungwon’s stomach do little somersaults, and he presses down on it unthinkingly as he pushes open the door to an empty room.

He thought it was empty; he notices Jake’s presence a second too late, waiting for his turn to be seen by one of the hairstylists. Luckily, Jungwon can blame his literal butterflies on—well, practically anything else. The perks of being an idol, he supposes.

“Stomach ache?” Jake asks sympathetically, and Jungwon nods.

Started feeling sick yesterday,” Jungwon lies. “Haven’t eaten anything since then. Maybe that’s it.”

Jake nods and starts digging through his coat pockets. “Well, you gotta eat.” Jungwon watches him produce a squashed, plain muffin from his left pocket. Its packaging is unopened and the plastic crinkles as Jake proffers it to him. “Here. I was saving it for later but you need it more than me.”

"Um,” Jungwon says, dithering. Now he feels bad. But he is kind of hungry. “If you’re sure.”

Jake says nothing and merely shakes the muffin, so Jungwon takes it and stuffs it into his own pocket. At least pining over Sunoo rewards him with free food once in a while.

And, soon enough, he doesn’t have to worry any longer.

Surprisingly, respite comes in the form of their debut. Their lives get so insurmountably busy after that that Jungwon is able to lock out everything else from his mind and only focus on the seemingly never-ending stream of work. Even when his concentration begins to slip, he’s too tired to think about his feelings for Sunoo. He’s pretty sure they still exist, hovering in the background like a spectre and waiting for the right moment to materialise, but for now he can ignore them.

In fact, they’re so busy that in the blink of an eye winter turns to spring to summer to autumn to winter again. One whole year gone by in a flash and all Jungwon has to show for it is a newfound world-weariness and darker circles under his eyes. And a lot more money in his bank account. That’s always nice.

Even after a year, some things don’t change. The matter of Sunoo still itches at him, a scab that refuses to heal over. In spring, when the snow melted and leaves began to grow on branches again, he thought surely everything is normal between me and Sunoo now. He was then swiftly proven wrong.

The number of times he voluntarily interacted with Sunoo swung back and forth like a pendulum, as Jungwon was never able to make his mind up on the best thing to do. Then in summer he’d remembered that he’d always been taught to leave a fresh wound well alone, so that’s exactly what he did. Of all the things that Sunoo is to him, he thinks Sunoo would appreciate being referred to as a fresh wound least of all.

But, as the age-old adage goes: life goes on. Their situation becomes a lot less intense and suddenly Jungwon doesn’t have much to distract himself with anymore. It’s bad luck. If he’s being honest, the concept of how he would deal with the rapid increase of empty space in their calendars and what that would mean for his relationship with Sunoo hadn’t even crossed his mind. He tries to spend as much time as possible away from the dorm through working late at the company or just walking around Seoul, but he can only do that so much before it gets far too suspicious. So back to the dorm it is, which has its own set of problems.

Jungwon comes to discover that the trouble with avoiding your bandmate is that, well, you can't. Jungwon might have been able to manage it if they didn't share a bedroom but, as it stands, there's no chance of that happening in the near future.

On top of that, Jungwon would be a terrible leader if he wasn’t at least friendly with one of his members. And he doesn't want to be a terrible leader.

Finally, he’s mature enough to admit that his plan has failed. Mentally, he’s no closer to returning to purely platonic feelings for Sunoo than he was at the beginning. He really thought it would work but it didn’t.

It was a misstep, and one that he can course-correct.

That's why he finds himself knocking on the bathroom door instead of waiting outside, like he has been doing for the past several months. Sunoo always takes too long in the bathroom in the mornings, doing skincare or getting distracted on his phone while brushing his teeth, and all of the other members will barge in and do their own business.

Not Jungwon, though. Even when they're running late and their manager is pacing the hallway, Jungwon will only splash some water on his face and pray a thirty-second teeth clean is enough. All of this just so he didn’t have to talk to Sunoo.

(Really, it's ultimately their company's fault for choosing an apartment that only provides one bathroom between seven guys but he digresses.)

Now, he can acknowledge this whole never look at or speak to Sunoo again is an unsustainable way to live. Overdramatic, especially for someone like Jungwon who prefers to keep his head down and get on with life. So here he is.

"Hi," Jungwon greets when Sunoo opens the door. He has moisturiser smeared on his jaw. "Room for one more?"

Sunoo opens the door wider. "Sure."

The thing is, Jungwon has tried being as subtle as possible. He’s interacted with Sunoo when he needed to, spoken to him about a performance or offered a funny anecdote about him whenever the camera called for it, but other than that he’s made sure to keep his distance. No more friendly hugs or yanking on the back of Sunoo’s shirt during practice to annoy him. Jungwon hoped that it wouldn’t be seen as intentional. That it could be chalked up to fatigue or preoccupation or cycling through the members and picking a new one to tease, as they so often do. The flaw with this is even if he was extremely tired or busy or choosing a new favourite member, it’s still not a solid explanation.

He knows that Sunoo has picked up on it. A couple of the other members have too, something Jungwon is only aware of because Heeseung had come to speak to him about it. And hadn’t that been an embarrassing wake-up call for him, forcing Heeseung into getting involved because Jungwon is an idiot? The talk, albeit short and awkward, did its job though — it played a big part in Jungwon’s decision to stop this rigmarole.

Waiting to see whether Sunoo himself will crack and confront Jungwon about it is a guessing game. Sunoo can be quite confrontational when he wants to be. But it won’t be long before their relationship goes back to normal, at least on the surface. Jungwon only hopes that Sunoo can hold out for that long. He doesn’t know what his answer would be if Sunoo did ask about the reason behind his year-long avoidance. Jungwon hasn’t really thought about it, instead preferring to place blind faith in his ability to think things up on the fly.

Unfortunately, he ends up having to think of something pretty quick.

“Do you dislike me?” Sunoo blurts out, doggedly refusing to look anywhere other than his own reflection.

Jungwon follows his lead and stares at himself in the mirror, face carefully blank and toothbrush halfway up to his mouth. “No, of course not. What gave you that impression?”

Jungwon hoped Sunoo would back down with a muttered never mind, but he doesn’t. “I feel like you’ve been avoiding me for a while now. You only ever speak to me about work, usually when the cameras are on. Or right before we go to sleep.”

“I have to speak to everyone about work.” He wets his toothbrush again, just to give him something to do. “That’s kinda my job.”

“Right,” Sunoo says, first sign of annoyance bleeding through his voice. “But you don’t speak to everyone else about only work, that’s what I’m saying. Like you watch movies with Niki and go shopping with Sunghoon-hyung and go on walks with Jay-hyung.” He falters for the first time. “I don’t know, you used to do those things with me too and then you just…stopped.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Jungwon lies. “I guess I just—forgot.”

Foot, meet mouth. Congratulations, Jungwon, that’s the most stupid thing you’ve said in at least a month.

“Forgot,” Sunoo echoes, visibly hurt. Sunoo always looks like a kicked puppy when he gets upset. “Okay. Sure.”

“I’m sorry,” Jungwon rushes to say, an apology for his previous behaviour and what he said now. “I didn’t mean it like that, hyung. I’ve just been—well, we’ve been busy, haven’t we? And I’ve been dealing with some things.”

The pout on Sunoo’s face is replaced with a frown. “What things?”

There’s a knock on the door and a distinct lack of waiting for a response before it opens inwards. Jungwon only barely manages to hide the relief on his face at his conversation with Sunoo being interrupted — oh, I have a crush on you, hyung. Those things. But like I said, I’m dealing with it!

Jake and Sunoo have twin disgruntled expressions. “You guys know that we’re all waiting for you, right?”

Jungwon lifts his toothbrush in emphasis. “Sorry, I still need to brush my teeth.”

Sunoo, on the other hand, is all finished with his morning routine. His skin glistens and Jungwon forces himself to look away and back at Jake, who’s bouncing on the balls of his feet impatiently. “Sunoo, are you done?”

There’s a moment of hesitation before Sunoo mutters, “Yeah,” and follows Jake out of the bathroom. He throws an indecipherable look towards Jungwon while he steps over the threshold, and then he’s gone.

Jungwon is left to stew in his thoughts as he rapidly brushes his teeth. Okay, that hadn’t gone quite as well as he’d hoped, but it was still progress. And progress is always good. He apologised to Sunoo as vaguely as he could and that was that; it had to count for something. Now, since Jungwon’s given up on his plan, they can move forward and rebuild their relationship. Their platonic relationship.

He spits into the sink and stares down at the stream of water swirling the foam away. Platonic can be such a loaded word in the right context. Or the wrong one.

Rule-breaking is one thing, but Jungwon has to cast his gaze forward to the future as well. And everything he’s heard paints a bleak picture of what would happen if Jungwon cut himself loose from his constraints.

The thing about being an idol is that the industry, in itself, is such a closed system. The two most important lessons Jungwon has learnt so far are: a) that he's always three degrees of separation away from any idol he can think of, and b) everyone knows everything.

What this means is he’s heard substantial rumours of certain things taking place behind closed doors. The same things that Jungwon has only dreamed of, filed away for inspection at a later date. He guesses this is that later date.

It’s usually framed as natural, actually. Two idols in the same group longing for emotional connection or a release, unable to turn anywhere else due to time constraints and general lack of effort. It makes sense that being in such close quarters with someone else in the same predicament leads their feelings to go a bit awry.

Sometimes it really is just a release: a quick fumble under bedsheets in the dead of night, converted back to a blank slate in the morning with only a select few in the know. Sometimes it develops into something more than that, real desperation and real longing and real companionship. Real love. Jungwon has heard tales of being caught by photographers, a problem easily solved by a wad of cash or hasty promises. He’s even heard about threadbare plans to go public, along with a whole host of other stories which leave the listeners either nervously giggling or drawing their eyebrows together in confusion.

Some of them have to be fake, he’s aware of that. But there’s too many rumours out there for some of them not to be real. And, overall, they paint a bleak picture.

As far as he knows, no in-group relationship has managed to survive. That’s the crux of the matter.

It’s practically an impossible feat. Too much work and pressure and too little time simultaneously together and away from each other. It’s no wonder all of the relationships Jungwon has heard about have folded under scrutiny, collapsing like a house of cards. Those idols must have known about the failed relationships before them, too, and thought no, this time will be different. The trap of being an idol in love with a fellow member, cursed to write the same story over and over again while expecting something different.

Even if Jungwon were to overlook that, what happens if they break up? If they were different people then they could shake hands and move on, but both of them hold grudges like no tomorrow. Sunoo has a mean, petty side to him that Jungwon’s thankfully been able to evade, and Jungwon still refuses to shop at a certain convenience store in his home district because the worker there had once been rude to him when he was twelve.

The splinter it would cause in the group relationship would be immeasurable. Likely unfixable too, the chasm between him and Sunoo stretching wider and wider until eventually they’d be pushed away from each other for good. They’d take the group with them, of course. Seven careers destroyed by one thoughtless mistake.

Jungwon would resent himself forever if he were the cause of something like that. He can’t risk it. In fact, even debating the issue like he is now is bad enough. It’s highly doubtful that Sunoo even harbours the same feelings for him, yet here he is ruminating on star-crossed lovers and unhappy endings.

Jungwon needs to put this out of his mind permanently and endeavours to do just that — how hard can it be to maintain a friendly relationship with Sunoo while simultaneously stopping his feelings from developing even further?

It’s pretty hard, as it turns out. Jungwon doesn’t really realise the extent of just how hard it would be until a couple of days later. He blames Jongseong for this. And Sunghoon and Jake. Jungwon wouldn’t have been so unprepared for this, otherwise.

“What’s up with you?” Sunghoon asks Jongseong after they’ve all arrived back home from an early morning filming. Jungwon both loves and hates these types of schedules, because it means that he needs to wake up early but it also means that he sometimes gets the rest of the day off.

It’s only nine a.m. and Jungwon bounces on the balls of his feet as he waits impatiently for Heeseung to unlock the door. He’s had way too much coffee.

“It’s nothing,” Jongseong replies haughtily. “You wouldn’t get it.”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow, smile growing. Jungwon silently laments that Jongseong still has yet to learn that acting like an angsty teenager around Sunghoon only gives Sunghoon more ammo.

“Finally,” Heeseung mutters, and the door swings open. They all pile in like puppies. Sunoo almost trips over someone’s shoes left haphazardly lying in the entryway — Niki’s, judging by the look of them — and Jungwon grabs his arm to stop him from falling. Once Sunoo’s righted, Jungwon quickly lets go of his arm and busies himself with taking off his own shoes.

“Thanks,” Sunoo says quietly, and his hand brushes Jungwon’s back as he edges past him. Jungwon swallows.

“Jongseongie,” Sunghoon trills as he follows Jongseong into the living room. “I’m curious.”

Jongseong fishes out a pair of sunglasses from his pocket and slides them onto his face with a melancholy air, even though it’s winter and they’re inside. “I’m going through something. Just leave me alone.”

Jake snorts. “What, did Hyerim finally break up with you?” His tone switches to one of sympathy. “Did she actually?”

“No, we’re good.” Jongseong sniffs. “I couldn’t get tickets to see Harry Styles here because we were stuck filming that episode and now it’s all sold out. There’s not even any resellers.”

“You look like an idiot with those glasses on,” Heeseung points out (not untruthfully, in Jungwon’s opinion). Jongseong obediently takes them off with a dramatic sigh.

“You’re this upset because you couldn’t get Harry Styles concert tickets?” Sunghoon asks, dumbfounded.

“Yes, actually,” Jongseong snaps, and Sunghoon cackles.

"I'm going to call my mom," Niki announces to no one in particular, promptly disappearing into the hallway which leads to their bedroom.

"This is the worst day of my life," Jongseong moans, and throws himself face-first onto the couch.

"You said you'd go shopping with me," Jungwon whines, poking him in the back. He has too much energy to stay cooped-up in the apartment today. And he really needs to replenish his wardrobe.

"Not in the mood anymore," Jongseong grunts. "Take Heeseung-hyung instead."

"Can't," Heeseung says regretfully, already slinking away. "I have plans."

"Hot date with your computer?" Sunghoon suggests, smirking when Heeseung pretends he doesn't hear him. He turns back to Jungwon. "I can come with you, I need to buy something for my sister anyway."

"Me too," Jake chimes in. "Not the sister part, but yeah."

"Me three," Sunoo offers, and shrugs. "I just like shopping."

Sunghoon gasps and hits his forehead with the heel of his hand in an exaggerated motion, eyes wide. "You know what, I just remembered me and Jake said we were gonna watch that movie together! And it starts really soon so we have to leave now," he grabs Jake's arm and starts frog-marching him to the door, "bye! Enjoy shopping!"

"What movie?" Jake says quizzically, voice cut off as the door closes behind them.

"Uh," Jungwon says intelligently into the ensuing silence. "Looks like it's just gonna be us, hyung." He turns to Jongseong, who's now shifted onto his back and staring at the ceiling with an amused smile on his face, almost desperately. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure," Jongseong says cheerfully. "Have fun!"

"Thanks," Jungwon mutters, feeling inexplicably betrayed, and gestures to Sunoo. "Ready to go?"

They end up getting the bus to the Lotte World mall, as it’s not far from their apartment and Jungwon at least wants to make an adventure out of this. He’s desperate for something to focus on that isn’t idol life.

After that awkward conversation in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago, he's no longer avoiding Sunoo per se, but they still haven't really spent much time together as only the two of them. Until now.

It’s only slightly stilted at first, before old habits are quickly remembered and they fall into the same conversational groove. Jungwon had forgotten how easy it is to talk to Sunoo.

“I haven’t been there in ages,” Sunoo remarks after Jungwon tells him the plan. “It’s so big that I usually only use it as a place to do my birthday shopping for the year.”

“Your what?”

“I buy everyone’s birthday presents all at the same time,” Sunoo elaborates. “At a certain point in the year. And then I just keep them hidden at my parents’ house until the time comes. Like, your birthday present has been in my room there for the past six months.”

“Oh,” Jungwon says, oddly touched. “Well, thanks.”

Sunoo hums and tilts his head upwards in thought. “But I think I should buy a new one for you. The one I have now might be a bit…out-of-date.”

There’s a small, mysterious smile on Sunoo’s face, like he’s waiting for Jungwon to get the joke. Jungwon, for his part, rolls with it. “Out-of-date?”

“Generic would probably be a better word,” Sunoo confides. “Something I’d give to Heeseung-hyung, you know. You deserve something a bit more personalised.”

Jungwon laughs despite himself. “I’m telling hyung you said that.”

“Hey, he’d say the same thing about me!” Sunoo protests, smile matching Jungwon’s underneath his mask. He’s all bundled up in a winter coat and a scarf and a hat, so Jungwon can basically only see the curve of his eyes. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing. At the end of the day, generic presents are always appreciated — that’s why they’re generic. But I like testing my gift-giving skills from time to time.”

“You can buy me something generic, I won’t mind. Like a nice pair of socks or something.”

Sunoo gasps as if Jungwon has mortally offended him. “I am not buying you socks for your birthday, Jungwon-ah, don’t be ridiculous.” He pauses and confesses, “I already got them for Sunghoon-hyung, actually.”

“Hyung!” Jungwon exclaims, then dissolves into a fit of giggles. He can already imagine Sunghoon’s expression.

“What?” Sunoo defends himself, trying to hold in his own laugh. “They’re Armani! I didn’t even know Armani made socks but they’re really nice, I’m sure he’ll like them.”

“Is my present the only one you’re putting any thought into?” Jungwon asks lightheartedly. His tone covers up for the fact that there’s a current of desperation reverberating inside his body.

“Maybe,” Sunoo stage-whispers, something sparking in his eyes. He mimes a shushing gesture and adds, “Don’t tell the others.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Jungwon says quietly, too sincere for such a relaxed conversation, and Sunoo blinks. Jungwon moves on quickly with a fumbling, “You could alternate every year. One thoughtful present and five generic ones. That way we all get a chance to witness your prowess.”

“Hm,” Sunoo says, tone unreadable. “We’ll see.”

The robotic female voice rings out, announcing their stop, and the two of them hastily pile off the bus along with a whole slew of fellow passengers. Sunoo grabs Jungwon’s arm so they don’t lose each other in the bustle, gloved hand curled tightly around Jungwon’s bicep, and Jungwon’s body thrums.

Sunoo leads them to the entrance, where there’s lines of Christmas lights strung up and stickers of Dooly playing in the snow pasted onto the window. When the crowd thins, shoppers veering off to wherever they need to go, Sunoo releases him and Jungwon ignores the swoop of disappointment.

Sunoo whistles, head tilted upwards as he casts his gaze around. “It looks so pretty with all the lights. They should have it like this year-round.”

“That kinda defeats the purpose,” Jungwon points out, starting off in a random direction. He’s content to aimlessly wander for now as he’ll find a good store eventually. “It loses the magic if you see it every time you come in here.”

“Probably true,” Sunoo concedes, “but it just looks so nice! I love Christmas.”

Christmas, and the end of the year in general, doesn’t really mean anything to Jungwon. Ever since becoming an idol, winter only indicates the unending cycle of award show after award show. Even ringing in the new year is done onstage, with his arm slung over Sunoo’s shoulders and Sunoo cheering happy new year!.

All things considered, it could be worse.

“Christmas is okay,” Jungwon volunteers, weaving around a couple struggling with one of their twenty gift bags. “I think Seollal has become my favourite holiday as I’ve grown older.”

Sunoo sighs mournfully. “Now you’re making me miss my mom’s japchae.”

Jungwon grins. “My mom’s is better. She says she has a secret ingredient for it and that’s why it’s so good.”

“That’s what every mom says,” Sunoo argues. “I bet they all just follow Lee Yeon-bok’s recipe.” He slows as they pass a restaurant, giving a cursory glance at the menu displayed out front before stopping entirely. “And now I’m hungry.”

A man talking in rapid Japanese on the phone narrowly avoids bumping into Sunoo, throwing him an annoyed look as he skirts around him. Jungwon lightly presses a hand to the small of Sunoo’s back and moves closer, bowing his head to also look at the menu.

It’s a fancy restaurant, similar to the expensive one in Hongdae they get dragged to for a biannual catch-up with the company investors. Jungwon isn’t feeling particularly inclined to eat in such a luxurious place today, but he’ll do so if Sunoo wants that. "You wanna eat here?"

“Nah, I think I’m in the mood for something greasy.”

They move on and the hostess sorting through the menus at the door shoots them a look of barely-contained glee. Jungwon smiles back at her in amusement.

Sunoo pulls at his arm a touch too harshly. "This way."

"'Kay," Jungwon says, bemused, and allows Sunoo to lead him to the outside deck area, where the first stall they come across has an older man with sharp eyes grilling some corn dogs. This whole area seems like it’s supposed to replicate the experience of walking through Myeongdong and being accosted with the smell of street food from all sides.

“This will do,” Sunoo announces happily, and he pulls Jungwon over.

Jungwon pays for two corn dogs before Sunoo can reach for his wallet, ignoring the irritated glance Sunoo throws at him afterwards. As the worker counts out the change, Jungwon takes in the surroundings. There’s a sort of weary nostalgia settling in his bones, the smells of food and sounds of people chatting bringing him back to his school days.

He wonders what his life would be like if he never became an idol. What would his relationship with Sunoo be like if they had met as university students instead? Would they be free to roam around Seoul without having to worry about being spotted by fans, free to skip paying the bus fare and spend hours loudly talking over coffee and make out in shadowy corners of clubs?

Would their paths even have crossed at all if they didn't make the decision to become idols?

"What would you have studied if you went to university instead?" Jungwon asks abruptly.

Sunoo doesn't look away from observing the sausages sizzle in the oil. "I don't know, I never really thought about it. I liked music but I don't think I could have done anything with it." He shrugs. "How about you?"

Jungwon hasn't really thought about it either. He was thrust into idol life at such a young age that it felt pointless to think about an alternate future. "I liked Korean language at school but I have no idea what you could do with that. I wasn't really a fan of the academic side of things in general."

"I bet your grades were still good, though."

"They kinda had to be," Jungwon says, thinking of his parents and sleepless nights and the weight of a thousand expectations placed upon his shoulders. It feels like another life, something that belongs to a different Jungwon. "Although they weren’t as good as they should’ve been, really. Good thing that the whole idol business worked out in the end, huh?"

"Good thing," Sunoo agrees, and takes their two corn dogs with a smile and a thank you. "Let's find somewhere to sit."

There’s an unoccupied bench nearby, with a view overlooking the park around the back of the mall. It’s close enough to the deck that they get to people-watch, but secluded enough to have a private conversation. Sunoo seems to be thinking along the same lines.

“It’s almost like we’re on a date, Jungwon-ah, don’t you think?”

Jungwon’s glad he decided to wait to take his first bite, otherwise he’d be choking right now.

“No,” he lies, not very convincingly at that, and takes a large bite from his corn dog to distract himself and hopefully prompt Sunoo into doing the same. It burns his tongue but he chews through the pain, careful not to show any signs of weakness around Sunoo.

“Then again,” Sunoo continues, either oblivious or ignoring Jungwon’s signals to stop talking, “you don’t seem like the type of person to get corn dogs on a date.”

“What’s wrong with corn dogs?” Jungwon says defensively, and Sunoo grins.

At least that gets him to shut up. Apparently satisfied with Jungwon’s reply, Sunoo starts to eat, cheeks bunching up as he chews. He looks like a squirrel. A cute squirrel.

Sunoo catches him looking and Jungwon blinks, too slow to feign impassivity. Luckily Sunoo mistakes it for a different kind of interest. He proffers his corn dog to Jungwon. “You wanna try?”

“Sure,” Jungwon says quickly, and leans forward. He’s just glad the interrogation is over.

The worst thing about napping in a car is that he never makes it through the journey without waking up. This time, it's because another car pulls out without indicating and they swerve to avoid it, meaning that Jungwon's head smacks against the window. That's what he gleans from the ongoing cursing, at least.

"Ow," he groans, pain blooming underneath the hand on his temple. There'll probably be a bruise which is another thing the stylists will nag him for. But it's easier to cover up a bruise than a hickey, from what he's personally witnessed while waiting to head onstage.

"Fucking Seoul drivers," their manager is ranting. "I swear they're a different breed, even in Busan I never—"

"Red light, hyung," Heeseung interrupts, and Jungwon lurches forward again as the car squeals to a stop. His seatbelt stops him from face-planting into the headrest in front of him.

Jongseong doesn't bother to hide his amusement. "Good sleep?"

"Up to a point," Jungwon grumbles, rubbing his aching head.

The car moves forward again once the light turns green, much more smoothly this time. Now that Jungwon’s awake, he can see that they’re not far from the apartment.

“Wait, can we pull over here for a moment?” Heeseung asks their manager, already straightening up and undoing his seatbelt. There’s a row of neat storefronts on the right. “I have a prescription to pick up.”

The manager checks the clock on the dashboard. “Sure.” A glance in the rearview mirror. “You two okay with that?”

They reply in the affirmative and the manager parks up on the side of the road, squeezed into a tiny space between two BMWs. Their manager has excellent parallel parking skills, though, so he makes it work.

“I’ll come with you,” the manager announces as Heeseung opens his door. “You two wait here, we won’t be long.”

Jungwon nods. “No problem.”

He watches as the pair exit the vehicle and walk up the steps to the pharmacy. Its outside walls are painted a sickly green colour, for some ungodly reason.

“Sorry I couldn’t come shopping,” Jongseong suddenly says to him, turning away from the window on his left. “But I saw the pictures, it looks like you and Sunoo had a lot of fun together.”

Jungwon hums vaguely. “It was nice.” Jongseong is looking at him with a funny smile on his face and Jungwon frowns. “What?”

Jongseong looks away. “Nothing.” There’s an odd silence for a few moments, then: “You know Sunghoon calls you two the babies of the group.”

“Okay,” Jungwon sounds out, slightly bemused. “I do know that. And he calls Niki a baby too.”

“He used to,” Jongseong corrects. “I think Niki is too tall for that now. And he’d probably bite Sunghoon if Sunghoon called him a baby or something, he’s like a feral child.” They share a laugh at the image. “Anyway, I just wanted you to know that—that people want babies to be happy, right?”

Jungwon blinks. “Hyung, respectfully, I have no idea what you’re trying to say here.”

“Okay, okay.” He scratches his nape sheepishly. “How do I say this without being cheesy…um, you and Sunoo, you have a lot of people looking out for you. And we, the group and everyone else, want you to be happy. Both of you. You’re treasured members of the group, ‘kay?”

“Um.” He never quite knows how to deal with Jongseong’s overwhelming sincerity. “Thanks, hyung. We—of course I want all of you to be happy too.”

Jongseong looks satisfied with this and nods; Jungwon is still confused even as Heeseung and their manager come back from the trip to the pharmacy.

As they start to drive home, Jungwon decides he might as well share the strangeness of that moment with Sunoo himself. Maybe he’ll have some answers.

had the weirdest conversation with jay-hyung, he texts Sunoo. wouldn’t be surprised if he’s drunk or something

The response is immediate. why? what happened?

talking about babies. as in how us two are the babies of the group and people want babies to be happy so therefore we should be happy
it was weird
but also kinda sweet

ㅋㅋㅋ
that’s just hyung
he doesn’t even need to be drunk to get like that

it would make more sense if he was drunk
i still have no idea why he brought that up out of nowhere

what were you talking about before?

Jungwon’s thumbs hesitate over the keypad.

he just said it looked like we had a nice time at lotte world

Sunoo sends a sticker of a cartoon character in an exaggerated thinking pose, then: hmmmm

He doesn’t send anything else.

“Who are you texting?” Heeseung’s voice rings out, jolting Jungwon out of the texting-induced stupor he’s fallen into. He’s eyeing Jungwon curiously in the rearview mirror and Jungwon can see Jongseong turned towards him out of the corner of his eye too.

“No one,” Jungwon mutters, shame-faced. He flips his phone over so it’s face-down in his lap and resolves to not look at it again until they get home. It doesn’t vibrate with new notifications anyway.

“I’m so tired,” Sunoo complains, side-hugging Jungwon and resting his head on Jungwon’s shoulder. Sunoo’s shorter without the insoles but it still must be uncomfortable. “Jungwon-ah, go tell the company we all want to sleep for the next month.”

“I concur,” Jongseong says, manoeuvring around them. “Jungwon, go do that right now.”

They’re blocking the entryway, directly between the door and the rest of the apartment. Jungwon can’t move anyway, not when Sunoo’s latched onto him like a sloth. And he doesn’t want to move because that requires energy. Energy is always hard to come by after a schedule as grueling as a fansign. If he could, he’d lean against Sunoo and fall asleep right here.

“I wish,” Jungwon says regretfully, returning the favour and latching onto Sunoo’s arm for balance as he takes off his own shoes. It’s not helpful, considering that Sunoo is leaning all of his weight on Jungwon, but it’s the thought that counts. “Maybe we should all refuse to get out of bed tomorrow.”

“Amazing idea,” Sunghoon declares from behind them. “Now please get out of the way, lovebirds. I’m not tiny enough to fit through.”

“Ha ha,” Sunoo deadpans, but lets go of Jungwon.

“We’re not—” Jungwon starts, feeling oddly flustered. Sunoo makes a small, involuntary noise which he promptly covers up with a cough.

Sunghoon laughs as he squeezes by and pats Jungwon on the shoulder. “Chill out, I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s cute! Niki and Jake are even worse, you know.”

“Okay,” Jungwon mutters, pushing his shoes against the wall with his foot so he doesn’t have to look at Sunoo. It’s only the two of them left in the entryway now.

He hears Sunoo crossing his arms more than he sees it. “Jungwon, do you think…”

Jungwon never does get to find out what he might think because Heeseung sticks his head around the corner and nags what are you two still doing there I’m ordering pizza come and choose what you want, which Jungwon leaps on eagerly.

Sunoo doesn’t bring it up again either, not even when they’re laying in their respective beds facing each other. Ask me, Jungwon wills as he stares at Sunoo’s sleeping face. Don’t ask me. Ask me. Don’t—

Sleep crashes over him like a tsunami.

“You know my sister wants to meet you,” Sunoo says to him conversationally one day.

It’s completely out of the blue: they’re stuck on these little plastic chairs while they wait to be called in for a radio appearance. It’s been scheduled with the two of them and Jake, who’s currently in the bathroom. They’ve only been here for ten minutes but Jungwon is already wondering why they were booked for this show specifically when it seems to be so poorly organised. Their manager seems to agree, judging by the crease between his eyebrows. And Jungwon’s pretty sure these chairs were made for kids, as one of the legs lifts up whenever he shifts a little.

He frowns at Sunoo’s statement. “But we’ve already met?”

“Not properly,” Sunoo says cheerfully. “She says it doesn’t count because everyone’s families were there so it went by too fast. And that was, what, over a year ago? A lot can change in a year.”

Jungwon almost laughs. If only Sunoo knew how much Jungwon was banking on that theory, only to end up with egg on his face. “Yeah, I guess. Maybe we should organise a family meet-up or something. My own sister probably thinks the same."

Sunoo tuts. "'Probably'? You should ask her next time you talk to her."

“I don’t really see her much,” Jungwon says honestly. It’s a fact he doesn’t like to dwell on. He begins playing with the lint on his trousers. “When I think about it I get the feeling that I must be a pretty bad older brother to her.”

"No," Sunoo says with conviction, "I bet you're great. You just have less time to be great but that's not your fault, is it?" He shrugs. "Besides, isn't she a teenager? At that age you start caring more about your friends than your family anyway."

"I don't think that was true for me."

"It was a generalisation," Sunoo dismisses impatiently. "Not everyone can be as filial as you, Jungwon-ah. I know I wasn't. The prodigal son and all that."

Jungwon's curious about that, the image of a rebellious Sunoo, but he's not sure Sunoo would elaborate. "Well, all the more reason to bring your sister around to meet us then."

Sunoo smirks. "I didn't say she was interested in meeting the others, I said she was interested in meeting you specifically."

There's an odd light in Sunoo's eyes, as if he's sharing a private joke and waiting for Jungwon to deliver the punchline. The punchline that Jungwon can't make heads nor tails of.

Jungwon shifts in his seat and, predictably, one of the legs wobbles. "Why just me?"

Sunoo's smirk falters as he looks doubtful for the first time. I told you, I don't know what you're asking of me, Jungwon thinks to himself.

"I thought you knew," Sunoo says quietly, and Jungwon's heart jumps against his chest. "In fact, I'm pretty sure you're just pretending that you don't. That I—"

"It's like a maze in here," Jake bemoans as he reappears from around the corner. Jungwon breathes a little easier with his arrival. "I totally got lost and had to ask one of the cleaners to point me in the right direction, it was really embarrassing." He pauses and glances between them. "What are you two talking about?"

"Our sisters," Sunoo answers immediately. "You know, bonding. I was just telling Jungwon about how much funnier and cuter than me my sister is."

"Definitely funnier," Jake agrees solemnly, ignoring Sunoo's whiny hey!. "Not so sure about the cute part though. I'd say it would be pretty difficult to be cuter than you." He turns to Jungwon with a smile. "What do you think, leader-nim?"

"Um." What do you want from me? "Yeah, I think it would be hard. For that to happen, I mean. Hyung is very cute."

"Spoken with true resignation," Jake laughs, clapping Jungwon on the shoulder. "Try not to sound like you're reading off a script next time."

Jungwon wills the corners of his mouth to pull up in response and ignores the betrayed look Sunoo is throwing at him. What do you want from me? — the million-dollar question.

"For the millionth time," Jungwon explains patiently, "there is not a ghost in this dorm. You guys are just freaking yourselves out."

"But I saw it," Jongseong insists. "I was brushing my teeth and I looked up at the mirror and there was something white behind me for like a millisecond before it disappeared! I swear!"

"Are you sure it wasn't a toothpaste smear on the mirror itself?" Niki says dryly, and Jongseong whips his head around to glare at him.

Jungwon sighs. "You're tired. You're seeing things that aren't there. It's natural, you just need to sleep more." Easier said than done. "Besides, there's a reason only the two," he goes for something more diplomatic than cowards, "scaredy-cats have seen this so-called ghost."

Sunoo, silent up to this point, looks up from his phone and raises an eyebrow in affront. "I'm not even scared of ghosts. I would just prefer not to share an apartment with them."

"Right, and I'm the king of England," Sunghoon mutters under his breath, unfazed by the sneer Sunoo directs at him.

"Did you guys know that ghosts will purposefully focus their energy on humans who are scared of them?" Jake pipes up. "They can, like, sense it. So once you two stop being scared then the problem will fix itself."

"Thanks, hyung," Sunoo says sardonically. Jake's answering smile is a touch too pleased; he must not have picked up on the sarcasm.

Jungwon expects that conversation to be the end of it, no more screams from the kitchen or a sweaty Jongseong barging into their bedroom at midnight, and his prediction comes true for at least a few days.

He's too shaken — literally, Sunoo shakes him awake — by what happens after those three days to count it as a win.

"Jungwon," Sunoo is hissing, their faces an inch apart. "Jungwon, wake up."

"What," he mumbles groggily, fighting the heaviness of his eyelids. His brain boots up and remembers that nothing good comes out of being woken up in the middle of the night by your bandmate, so Jungwon sits up and rubs at his eyes. The room is still dark and otherwise silent; he can't see much of Sunoo's face but he seems to be fine. "What's happened? Are you okay?"

Sunoo's voice is so quiet Jungwon has to strain his ears to pick up on what he's saying. "Yeah, I'm just…this is gonna sound stupid but I'm scared because I woke up and opened my eyes and I swear I saw a ghost standing at the foot of my bed staring at me and now I don't want to sleep alone so canIsleepwithyoutonightplease."

Sunoo says all of that in one breath and Jungwon stares at him blankly. "What?"

"Can I sleep with you tonight," Sunoo pleads, slower this time. "Please."

Jungwon clenches his jaw, willing himself not to get caught up in the tide of annoyance threatening to overwhelm him, and counts to five in his head. It's not Sunoo's fault that he's scared of nonexistent entities. He releases a long breath and envisions all of the biting retorts disappearing with it. "Sure."

Jungwon shuffles back so there's space for Sunoo to slide in next to him, which he does as soon as there's enough room. These beds aren't huge but there's enough room for two people to squeeze in. He decides there's nothing more to be said, so he closes his eyes and hopes that sleep comes to him quickly.

"Your speech was ironic," Sunoo whispers after about thirty seconds. "You must know it too."

Jungwon opens his eyes. “Huh?”

"Between the two of us," Sunoo murmurs, voice a heavy lull, "I think we know who's the real scaredy-cat here. Wouldn't you agree?"

Oh, this is bad. Jungwon should have seen it coming sooner, really; Sunoo is never one to tip-toe around the subject. He feigns ignorance regardless: "I don't know what you mean. I said I don't believe in ghosts."

"You know what I'm talking about. You're too smart to pretend otherwise, Jungwon-ah."

Sunghoon rolls over and they both hold their breath, ears straining for anything to indicate that he’s woken up. When his snoring resumes, Jungwon releases a silent sigh of relief. He would rather not have this conversation at all, but it would be far less stressful if they weren’t currently in a room with two of their fellow members.

Jungwon shuffles backwards further, keen to put more distance between them. “It’s exactly because I’m smart that I’m pretending otherwise.”

Sunoo’s eyes possess a strange glint. “Don’t mistake cowardice for intelligence.”

“And don’t mistake stupidity for bravery,” Jungwon snaps back, irritated by his goading. He takes a leaf out of Sunghoon’s book and rolls over so his back is to Sunoo, mattress squeaking as he does so.

Sunoo is silent after that, which is a very good thing considering that Jungwon’s pretty sure Niki’s just woken up. He’s glad that Sunoo takes the hint and shuts up, even when Niki starts to snore several minutes later.

Despite how the familiar sound of it helps Jungwon to calm down, he’s still too annoyed by Sunoo’s transgressions to fall asleep. But he’s also too proud to show Sunoo exactly how annoyed he is through tossing and turning, so he resolutely doesn’t move an inch and pretends he’s already in a deep sleep.

It takes a while but eventually he’s able to fake it until he makes it, trying to forget about the presence of Sunoo directly behind him. What if what if what if, his brain chants to the thudding of his heart and then he’s falling off a steep cliff into nothingness.

Sunoo is gone by the time Jungwon wakes up, his warmth missing from the sheets. Sunoo’s own bed is neatly made and unoccupied; Jungwon can’t hear him in the apartment either. He can’t hear much of anything, really, which is cause for concern until Jungwon remembers that Heeseung and Niki have a radio show later. Or perhaps even now, judging by the way the morning light filtering through the curtains is a deep yellow rather than a cold blue.

He slips out of bed and pads through to the living room, where Jake is eating breakfast. The television is on at a low volume, more background noise than anything. Jake looks like he was completely zoned out but he perks up when Jungwon appears in the doorway.

“Hey! Sleep well?”

“Not really,” Jungwon says truthfully. “But it’s fine.” He goes for a more subtle angle. “Where are the others?”

“Heeseung-hyung and Niki have that radio schedule, remember? And I saw Sunghoon on his way to the gym." He pauses. "And Sunoo’s still sleeping.” He eyes Jungwon. “Isn’t he?”

“No, his bed’s empty. He’s not here?”

“Oh.” At this, Jake looks unsure. “I mean, I’ve been sitting here for like an hour and haven’t seen him. He could have gone to see his sister?”

Sunoo’s sister is always busy on weekday mornings, unless it’s a public holiday. Which today isn’t, as far as Jungwon’s aware. “Yeah, could’ve.”

“Jongseong might know.” Jake jerks a thumb back at the kitchen. “He got out of bed around six. Woke me up in the process too, of course.”

Jungwon snorts and follows the direction of his thumb to the kitchen where Jongseong is washing up the mountain of dishes they’ve left to pile up over the past few days. Oops.

They exchange greetings and Jungwon decides he might as well help him by drying everything. He grabs a dish towel and starts on the already sizable number of plates in the drying rack.

Less subtle this time. “Have you seen Sunoo around?”

Jongseong doesn’t pause and hands him another plate. “No, why? Something happen?”

“Um.” He’s not in the habit of keeping secrets from Jongseong. Well, barring the one huge secret he’s carrying around with him. But everything else is unrestricted. “No, not really. Maybe he was still freaked out by the ghost he saw last night.” At Jongseong’s raised eyebrow, he expands, “He woke me up in the middle of the night and said he saw a ghost by his bed, and was too scared to go back to sleep in his own bed. So he slept in mine and…yeah.”

“Okay,” Jongseong drawls in a way which suggests he can tell Jungwon is hiding something but can’t be bothered to dig deeper. It’s one of the many reasons Jungwon likes Jongseong: he can be trusted to mind his business. “Well, was there a ghost?”

Jungwon sighs. There should be a disclaimer in idol contracts that you’ll spend more time discussing ghosts than you thought you would. “Ghosts aren’t real, hyung.”

Jongseong tuts. “I’m telling you they are. Only a matter of time before it jumps out at you.”

“I eagerly await it,” Jungwon says without a hint of irony and splashes water at Jongseong to punctuate his statement, grinning at his splutter.

Sunoo only comes back once they're getting ready for tonight's schedule, a large-scale concert in the heart of Seoul. Jungwon texted him once, a short where are you?, but deemed it too weird to send him any more messages. Sunoo is an adult, after all. He doesn't have to answer to Jungwon in his free time. He can look after himself.

And in all honesty, it's probably for the best that his text goes unanswered. They need some time apart after last night. And what an interesting night that was.

There aren't many things Jungwon is scared of, but a Sunoo who knows what he wants and is on a mission to get it is firmly at the top of his list. But what does he want, really? A quick kiss in the dark is one thing and what Jungwon wants is entirely another. Jungwon wouldn't be satisfied with just that — it would be worse, he thinks, to have Sunoo's body and not his heart than nothing at all. With him, it's all or nothing.

He always believed Sunoo to be the same, but Sunoo seems to be full of surprises lately. Anything is possible. And it's not like Jungwon can ask him; he's determined to act like they never had that conversation last night. Maybe that was Sunoo's true plan all along: make an offhand comment which he knows would agitate Jungwon and get his cogs turning, leave in the morning so that Jungwon thinks about him all day, and then wait for Jungwon to inevitably approach him with his own questions after being left to stew in his thoughts. Well, too bad, Jungwon isn't falling for that trick.

"Have you seen my charger anywhere?" he asks Sunoo, hanging off the doorframe of their bedroom. He's aiming for casual. "I've been looking but I can't find it."

"No," Sunoo replies after a beat, sorting through his freshly-washed clothes. It's just the two of them here as the other members are waiting in the living room for their manager to turn up and drive them to the venue. "Maybe I accidentally kicked it somewhere when I was getting into your bed last night."

Why does he have to make it sound so salacious? This, this goading, is what Sunoo does best. "I don't keep my charger on the floor."

Sunoo shrugs. "Then one of the others probably took it. It will turn up eventually."

"Yeah, probably." Jungwon straightens up, sighing. "I'll use one of theirs in the meantime."

"If only you had a Samsung instead," Sunoo says ruefully, eyes focused on Jungwon with far too much intensity for their current conversation topic.

He can tell that Sunoo is waiting for Jungwon to ask him where he was all day, he's practically vibrating. Jungwon won't give him that gratification. "Well, we're leaving soon. So come to the living room whenever you're ready."

Something like disappointment flashes across Sunoo's face before it disappears. "I'll be there in a moment."

Victory, Jungwon crows to himself.

Usually, Jungwon likes performing in large venues. Being able to perform in front of so many fans is obviously the top reason, but the second reason is only slightly less significant.

Sometimes, being stuck in a tiny room with at least ten other people gets old very quickly. When they’re in a promotion period and tiredly hopping from music show to music show, there are times where Jungwon has to reel himself back from snapping at one of the other members for something ultimately inconsequential. He’s not even a very introverted person, but he thinks everyone needs a bit of space every so often.

It’s why he likes the large venues that have enough rooms for pairs or groups to split off into while they wait for the stage call. Jungwon’s claimed this one and he’s thankful there’s only one other person in here — a stylist sorting through the clothes rack as she talks quietly on the phone.

He takes a moment to appreciate the relative silence, broken too quickly by Sunghoon’s arrival. They don’t say anything to each other until Sunghoon is sitting on the couch next to Jungwon.

"So," Sunghoon says, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"So," Jungwon parrots, locking his phone. "What's up?"

He already knows what this will be about; Sunghoon is entirely incapable of keeping his nose out of other people's business. It's like a compulsion.

Sunghoon immediately launches into a dramatic retelling of this morning, like Jungwon knew he would. "Picture this: it's six a.m. on the dot. I’ve just been woken up by my alarm vibrating underneath my pillow, because I’m such a considerate roommate. Why am I waking up at six when I could sleep in, you ask? Why, Jungwon, it’s because I love getting up early in the morning so I can start my daily tasks of—”

“You’re obnoxious,” Jungwon interrupts flatly. “Get to the point.”

Sunghoon’s grin widens. “As you wish! So I’m just getting out of bed, and imagine my surprise and delight when I looked over to your bed and saw you and Sunoo wrapped up in each other. With Sunoo’s bed next door completely empty.”

"We were not wrapped up in each other," Jungwon says hotly. The stylist looks up from the clothes rack and Jungwon grimaces at her.

Uncaring of their audience, Sunghoon continues, "That's not what it looked like to me. You were practically canoodling, it was really cute. I took a picture and everything.”

“Of course you did.” He kind of wants to see that picture, but he isn’t stupid enough to make the mistake of asking for that. "You're making something out of nothing. It's not a big deal — remember that month when Niki literally wouldn't leave Sunoo's bed?"

"Sure," Sunghoon allows, "but Sunoo-and-Niki isn't Sunoo-and-Jungwon. You've always kept Sunoo at arm's length and now he's suddenly hanging off you all the time and sleeping in your bed?"

Jungwon feels like a cornered animal. "It's Sunoo," he manages. "He—it's not like I'm going to say no if he's scared and asks to sleep in my bed for the night." He should protest the other thing too. "And I don't avoid him."

Hook, line, and sinker. Sunghoon's smile widens into something which would look right at home on the Cheshire cat. "I never said anything about avoiding him, I said you kept Sunoo at arm's length. Two different things. But now I know that you were avoiding him, so thanks." He tilts his head, smile fading. “And why was he scared?”

“That stupid ghost. Said he saw it at the end of his bed or something.”

Sunghoon hums. “I think it’s made-up.”

“Of course it’s made-up,” Jungwon scoffs. “Ghosts aren’t real.”

“Not that,” Sunghoon corrects. He purses his lips in thought. “I mean that Sunoo made that up so he could sleep with you. That was his goal.”

Jungwon denies it immediately: “Sunoo-hyung’s not that type of…” He trails off when he realises that Sunoo is actually that type of person, so he switches tack. “Why would he do that?”

Sunghoon rolls his eyes. “Because he wanted to sleep with you. Duh.”

“Thanks, genius,” Jungwon says snidely, inexplicably irritated by the lack of elaboration. That’s his fault for expecting Sunghoon of all people to impart some wisdom on him.

Anyway, he already knows why Sunoo would lie about that — tricking Jungwon into thinking that Sunoo is too scared to sleep alone, therefore offering to share his bed for the night. And then Sunoo is free to interrogate him. It was a good plan, really, and a perfect way to bait Jungwon into a truthful conversation. Well, as truthful as he could manage.

The problem is that Jungwon now has to admit that people don’t go around manipulating other people into sharing a bed with them if there’s strictly platonic feelings involved. Duh, as Sunghoon put it so eloquently.

It just would’ve been helpful for Sunghoon to offer a different explanation so Jungwon could grab hold of that and continue rebuffing the idea that Sunoo likes him back. His feelings were a lot easier to deal with when Jungwon was under the impression it was one-sided; now, his heart won’t stop doing little happy backflips while his brain valiantly protests the stream of happy, cheesy visions it’s being supplied with against its will. Internal whiplash.

"Have you noticed that he always looks for you first when he enters a room?" Sunghoon states with an edge of smugness. "It's, like, psychology. He’s naturally drawn to you. And it’s not because you’re the leader or whatever you’re trying to convince yourself of.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at here,” Jungwon says slowly. He does know, in fact, but he hopes he’s wrong. This has progressed past banter and into something a lot more serious. If Sunghoon had more tact then he would stop this conversation right now.

But he doesn’t, of course.

“Look,” he lowers his voice, “these things happen. You and Sunoo falling for each other, it’s almost expected at this point.” He continues on, oblivious to the way Jungwon’s stopped breathing. “It’s not ideal but we—you’ve heard those warning stories just as much as I have, right? And I’m not at all saying that you and Sunoo are headed down that route—”

“What are you even saying?” Embarrassingly, Jungwon’s voice wavers. “I don’t—I’m not—don’t accuse me of—”

“Jungwon.” His tone is patient, as if he’s talking to a small child two seconds away from throwing a tantrum. “Don’t overthink it, okay? Everything’s fine. For the moment, it’s absolutely fine.” For the moment. “I admit it was kinda shocking at first but—”

“Who else knows,” Jungwon rasps. He feels ill.

At this, Sunghoon hesitates. “Jongseong, maybe. Probably Heeseung-hyung too. Maybe. I don’t know, it’s not like we talk about it.”

There’s a lengthy pause while Jungwon stares down at his lap and tries to get his thoughts in order. His mind is simultaneously blank and a whirlwind of stray urges, flying by too fast for Jungwon to snatch one out of the air.

“I tried not to,” he whispers eventually, both as a statement of fact and an apology, “but it didn’t work.”

Sunoo chooses the worst possible moment to stick his head around the door. His eyes automatically find Jungwon's and Jungwon tries to rearrange his face into something more pleasant. It must be obvious to him that there’s a heavy tension in the air, though, as Sunoo's eyes flick between them unsurely before they settle on Jungwon again. "Manager-noona told me to find you guys. I think we're on stage soon."

“Thanks,” Sunghoon says while Jungwon opts to stay silent. Sunoo visibly deflates until Jungwon musters up a smile, at which point Sunoo brightens and gives Jungwon his own tentative smile.

"See?" Sunghoon says as soon as Sunoo's left. "Like I said, he always looks for you first."

This time around, he sounds more contemplative than boastful. That almost makes it worse.

For what it’s worth, the world doesn’t end. Nothing changes after his confession to Sunghoon: none of the company executives blaze into the dorm and shake Jungwon by the shoulders and yell at him that he’s ruined the group’s career. It’s not like he had been expecting Sunghoon to blab about it, anyway, but you never know. Jungwon wouldn’t really blame him if he did. Self-preservation is a good instinct to have, though it’s one that seems to have been coded incorrectly when it comes to Jungwon himself.

Despite the very real threat of his feelings for Sunoo being revealed to an inordinate number of people, he carries on as if nothing has happened. At least there’s no more hauntings and therefore no more Sunoo climbing into bed with him. Neither of them bring it up again.

So, in a way, they’re back to where they started: two friends hanging out, both of them aware of the other’s feelings. Now that Jungwon has had more time to mull over the apparent fact that Sunoo has feelings for him too, he doesn’t know why he didn’t see it sooner. Perhaps it was his brain’s way of protecting him from the real danger.

Jungwon tuts as soon as he opens the door, searching for the object of his thoughts. Drawn to a mirror, this one. “I knew you’d be in here.”

He admits it’s a nice place to take some bathroom selfies, with gleaming navy wall tiles set in a cobblestone pattern and soft overhead lighting. This is, objectively, one of the nicer bathrooms they’ve been in. Still, they have more important things to do than hang around in a bathroom taking selfies. He says as much to Sunoo.

Sunoo pouts and diligently fixes a strand of hair. "Leave me alone, I'm trying to make myself look cute in these pictures."

"You always look cute," Jungwon says before he can stop himself, leaning against the wall next to the hand dryer. He’s putting a lot of faith in the cleanliness of this wall. "You don't need to exert extra effort on it. It just comes naturally to you."

Sunoo isn't quite able to hide his smile. "Really? You mean it?"

He's fishing for compliments, but Jungwon is happy to indulge him. He's always happy to indulge Sunoo. "I mean it.”

Sunoo sighs. “You sound like Jake-hyung when I ask him for the fifth time if a certain selfie is okay to post.”

“Probably because the fifth time is actually more like the five hundredth time,” Jungwon says lightly, and Sunoo makes a face at him. Jungwon jerks his head. “Come on, let’s go.”

There’s a sly expression on Sunoo’s face which can only mean he’s up to no good. And Jungwon’s suspicions are confirmed when Sunoo opens his mouth. “I’m not leaving until you prove it.”

Jungwon raises his eyebrows. “Prove what?”

“That you mean it,” Sunoo huffs. “What you said about how I always look cute.”

“How am I supposed to prove that?” As unhelpful as ever, Sunoo remains silent and makes a think! gesture at Jungwon in the mirror. So Jungwon thinks. The next words tumble out of his mouth before he can rearrange them into something more platonic. "Before I met you, I didn't know boys could be so cute."

It sounds like a confession and Jungwon practically feels the colour drain out of his face once he realises the gravity of what he’s said. That statement forces him dangerously close to stepping over the shaky line drawn between them, wobbling on one foot while his mind urges him to move forward. He takes an actual step back from Sunoo like that will help, bumping into the dryer behind him, and Sunoo tracks his movement in the mirror.

"Jungwon…" Sunoo starts, voice low. His hand has frozen in its ministrations, perched atop his head, and their eyes are locked in the mirror. Jungwon couldn't look away if he tried. Sunoo inhales and opens his mouth and—

"Fuck, I gotta pee so bad," Niki whisper-yells, bursting in through the door. Both Sunoo and Jungwon jump at the intrusion and, just like that, the moment is broken and Jungwon is rewarded with the urge to flee as fast as his legs can carry him. Niki looks between the two of them and hesitates. “Uh, sorry, did I interrupt something?”

“No!” Jungwon practically shouts, refusing to even glance at Sunoo. “No, not at all. I actually have to, um—”

He gestures at the door and shoots through it without a second glance, praying that Sunoo returns to his primping instead of following him out. That had been too close; why had Jungwon even said that mini-confession to him?

The worst thing, he thinks to himself as he turns left, is that he can’t even bring himself to truly regret it.

“Yang Jungwon, you are playing with fire,” he mutters to himself sternly. The reprimand doesn’t stop his heart from beating faster in hope.

The next couple of weeks continue much in the same vein. Jungwon is, for better or worse, intrinsically tied to Sunoo now. A lonely, weary star orbiting the sun. Just like stars and planets and moons can't disentangle themselves from their infinite orbits, Jungwon can't disentangle himself from Sunoo. It's not like before, where he could flip a switch and revert back into his hard-headed leader shell and cut off interactions with Sunoo. That's simply not how it works now.

(If it ever worked that way.)

What this means is that they come pretty close to what Jungwon's been fearing this whole time. The little moments of hushed conversations in the back of a van, silent laughs shared in the dark, fingers interlocking underneath tables — it all adds up.

And still, Jungwon doesn't pull himself away. Instead, the line drawn between them grows fainter and fainter with every swell of waves until eventually it just disappears. Washed away and presenting a blank slate. Like it was never drawn in the first place.

Either a mistake or the dealings of fate, who knows.

The meeting is really to blame here, as without the meeting he wouldn’t have been in the building in the first place. He would have been at home like the rest of them, curled up under the sheets and staring blankly at Sunoo's empty bed across from him.

are you still at hybe?, he texts Sunoo as soon as he's in the hallway. It's late enough that the employees disperse quickly, most of them heading to the elevator, and suddenly he's all alone after exchanging a few goodbyes. The silence is heavy as he tosses his phone from one hand to the other, making a game out of it.

The response comes almost immediately and he fumbles with his phone as it vibrates. yes! don't wait up for me, gonna be some time :)

i'm here too, Jungwon informs him. where are you?

Sunoo lets him know he's in the dance studio on the fifth floor, so Jungwon heads there. He opts to take the staircase down instead of the elevator, and his steps echo loudly. After a certain time, this place becomes a ghost town.

When he reaches the practice room he knocks just in case, then pushes the handle down. Some of these doors have a scanner equipped but this one thankfully doesn't. Jungwon has had too many awkward experiences where the system refused to identify him correctly and he had to fetch someone else to do it for him.

Sunoo is sitting on the floor, his back leaning against the wall, and his head turns as the door opens. He has strands of hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, and even from across the room Jungwon can see how tired he is. "Hi! I was surprised when I got your text, I didn't know you were still in the building."

"I was discussing some stuff about the tour schedule," Jungwon says by way of explanation, closing the door behind him. "Looks like we're gonna be busy."

Sunoo smiles wanly. "When are we not?" He pats the floor next to him. "Come sit. I don't wanna go home yet."

Jungwon makes his way over and sits himself down, adjusting to get comfortable. "Not tired?"

"I am but…" He fiddles with a loose thread of his sweatpants. "Just need to decompress here for a bit, I guess."

Jungwon hums and crosses his legs. Sunoo's thigh is like a furnace, burning hot through the thin fabric of his sweatpants, and Jungwon scoots away a little.

"How's the dance coming along?" Jungwon asks curiously.

One thing Jungwon's always respected about Sunoo is his dedication. If he's not satisfied with something like a particular dance move or vocal run, he'll try again and again until he gets it to a standard he's happy with. That's why he's here, practising alone late at night. This new choreography especially is difficult; it had taken Jungwon some time to master it too.

Sunoo makes a face and gestures vaguely. "It's getting there, I think. I just need to iron out a couple of issues with the arm angles."

"I can teach it to you," Jungwon offers.

Sunoo smiles and promises, "Another day." He pats Jungwon's knee in gratitude and his hand lingers there. The heat of it warms Jungwon to the core. "For now I'm too tired. I think I'll actually collapse if I try to dance some more."

Jungwon grins. "That's just because you're getting old, hyung." Sunoo's hand flashes from Jungwon's knee to his waist, where he prods him repeatedly. Jungwon squirms away from him. “Hey!”

"Brat," Sunoo accuses. "I'm only a year older than you, you know!"

"Exactly," Jungwon says morosely. "I'm getting old too."

Sunoo laughs and pats Jungwon's side gently, a nonverbal apology for the previous attack. "Yah, we're not old. We still have our whole lives ahead of us."

And isn't that a scary prospect? Jungwon already feels like he's drowning, just barely keeping his head above water as wave after wave comes crashing down on him. He doesn't know how many more years he can live like this, gasping for air as he struggles futilely against everything he's ever learned and internalised.

What's even scarier is that he wants to confess all of this to Sunoo but he can't. It’s becoming somewhat of an elephant in the room, actually. Jungwon gets the sense that Sunoo is waiting for the moment where the waves sweep Jungwon away to calmer waters. Too bad Jungwon is waiting for that moment as well but he just doesn’t know how to get there.

He settles for an ambiguous, “I hope the rest of our lives aren’t like this.”

Sunoo looks surprised at that but swiftly recovers. "Let's hold off on the existential crisis for now, hm? We’ll start small. Like…what will tomorrow be like?”

“Tiring,” Jungwon answers around a well-timed yawn. “I’m looking forward to sleeping.”

Sunoo nods sagely. “You know what they say, sleep is the best medicine.”

“It would be nice if it cured everything,” Jungwon says wistfully. “Could just go to sleep as soon as a problem crops up.”

There’s a pause where Sunoo’s eyes rake over Jungwon’s face before he speaks, voice hushed. “What kind of problems?”

Sunoo has gotten adept at laying out the perfect bait for him and, at this point, Jungwon’s past the point of caring. He’s so tired of swimming against the tide.

“I think you know,” Jungwon whispers.

Sunoo shifts incrementally towards him. “I doubt any amount of sleep would solve that.”

“I don’t think anything will solve that,” Jungwon confesses, trying to hide the way his voice shakes, and Sunoo inhales sharply.

"Maybe the ghost will show up again," Sunoo murmurs, a sudden swing away from the danger of this topic. Jungwon can't read his face. "And then I'll have to sleep in your bed. Again."

"Maybe," Jungwon whispers. Unwittingly, his gaze strays to Sunoo's mouth.

He doesn't know who moves first. He wants to blame Sunoo but Jungwon thinks the onus may actually rest squarely on his shoulders.

The important thing is that they meet in the middle; both of them want this, want each other. There's no doubt about that.

Sunoo's lips are slightly dry so Jungwon parts his own mouth to lick along the inseam of Sunoo's mouth. Sunoo makes a high noise in the back of his throat and, vaguely, Jungwon registers his fingers fisting into the material of Jungwon's sweats. Yes, there's definitely no doubt that Sunoo has been anticipating this moment just as much as him.

Sunoo smells like sweat and cherry and sunshine and boy, and Jungwon finds himself chasing that scent as much as he chases the taste of him. He feels bewitched, almost, mind a pleasant haze of white noise. He's only focused on Sunoo's soft mouth, Sunoo's small noises filling the room, the hard line of Sunoo's shoulder pressing into his.

Until Sunoo pulls back. "Jungwon-ah," he murmurs, voice deepened, and that breaks the spell.

It crashes down on him, an amalgamation of every scolding or resentful thought he's ever had. God, what has he done? This isn't like the movies, where a charming outcast tells him that rules are meant to be broken. He's supposed to live and die by rules — the very foundation of the industry is built on them. And it's up to him to follow them, to verify the trust placed in him.

He jumps to his feet, only because Jungwon's able to think a lot clearer when Sunoo's face isn't directly in front of him. "Hyung I—"

"Jungwon," Sunoo repeats, his voice losing that softness and carrying an underlying cautiousness instead. He makes a move like he's also about to get to his feet and Jungwon steps back and back and back until he's at the door and Sunoo is an ocean away from him. Calmer waters.

"I have to…" Jungwon whispers, voice trailing off into nothingness, and flees without exerting brainpower on coming up with an excuse. The last thing he sees is Sunoo's shocked face which isn't fair, he has no right to be shocked when he's been waiting for this to happen. Egging Jungwon on while being fully aware of Jungwon's trepidation, what did he expect would happen? He knew.

There’s too much agitated energy flowing through him for him to wait for the elevator, so he runs down the five flights of stairs necessary for him to get to the exit and then he’s hurrying through the empty lobby and through the doors and god he doesn’t want to be out here, he wants to be back in that practice room with Sunoo and tasting his spit and running his hands through his hair and—

Jungwon’s chest heaves as he inhales the crisp night air. He needs to get home, get away from here before he fucks things up even more. But you already have fucked things up, what’s one more kiss gonna do?, a voice in his head reminds him snidely and then he’s off running again.

He ends up running the whole way home because he needs to keep his mind clear, prolong processing the gravity of what he’s just done. It had snowed in Seoul a couple of days ago and it still hasn't melted, transitioning into a hazardous slush on the sidewalks. It's dangerous to run when the ground is so slippery, but Jungwon appreciates it despite the risk of falling flat on his face. The physical demand means he’s only focused on putting one foot in front of the other, all the way up until the moment he bursts through the front door of the dorm.

His throat hurts when he gulps in air and he winces, laying a hand on his neck as he leans against the door.

Everyone else is asleep, or at least in their bedrooms, so he’s left to pant into the oppressive silence. He gulps down a bottle of water from the fridge, then his mind lurches violently back to the you kissed Sunoo tornado of panicked thoughts and images so he staggers to the shower.

He can always rely on a shower to stop his stream of consciousness and it doesn’t fail him this time either. After that, it’s mechanical: dry off, get changed, brush teeth, do skincare, get into bed. Movements which he dedicates more brainpower than necessary.

About fifteen minutes later, when Jungwon thinks he’s memorised the placements of the creases on his bedsheets, he hears Sunoo come back. There's the sound of the shower running for a while, then the whirring of an electric toothbrush.

Jungwon stays awake through it all, eyes staring unseeingly into the darkness. He shuts his eyes the moment Sunoo opens the bedroom door and tries to make his breathing slow and even.

After a slight pause in the doorway, Sunoo gets into bed. Jungwon listens to the rustle of the covers until the noise turns into nothing. Even after he thinks Sunoo must have fallen asleep, Jungwon refuses to open his eyes. Stupidly, he’s scared that he’ll see that damn ghost at the foot of his bed if he does. And then wouldn’t that be something, having to wake Sunoo up and ask if they can sleep together after that oversight of a kiss?

He doesn't get much sleep that night.

Morning is an interesting affair. They have somewhat of a busy day ahead of them, filming in the afternoon then an interview then practice, but at least they have the morning to themselves.

On days like this, everyone usually gets out of bed at the same time. When Jungwon hears Jongseong and Jake conversing loudly in the kitchen, he decides to drag himself out of bed and take a quick shower. Sunghoon's bed is empty, he can hear Niki gaming in the living room, and Sunoo is still sleeping. Or Jungwon thinks he is.

Just the two of them alone in their bedroom. Now would be the time to say something, if there even is anything to say. Like apologising. An apology would be good.

Jungwon doesn't want to apologise, though. He doesn't want to say anything at all. He wants to kiss Sunoo again and again and again, until they both can't breathe and Sunoo is gasping into his mouth. Maybe then Jungwon will apologise with a whispered sorry hyung I'm sorry I know we shouldn't but I can't—

He swallows, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, and leaves the room before he lets the irrational side of his brain win that battle. Jungwon wishes there were a switch he could flick to turn off the part of his brain which lends itself to fantasising. The creator of false promises, really.

He takes one of his trademark long showers, something which he hasn’t had the time to do in a while. He’s glad he has the opportunity to do it now, both because his skin is beginning to break out again and because showering causes his mind to go blissfully blank. It’s his one place of reprieve from Sunoo.

After he dries up and brushes his teeth, Jungwon heads to the kitchen. Jongseong and Jake are still there, now joined by Heeseung. He’s helping himself to a plate of pajeon set on the middle of the table.

Jongseong spots him first and smiles in greeting. “Breakfast,” he tells Jungwon, nudging the plate slightly forward.

Jungwon grabs a plate and a pair of chopsticks, and sits down next to Heeseung. “Morning.”

He’s met with a chorus of greetings back.

“I helped make breakfast,” Jake interjects before anyone can say anything else, puffing up his chest. “So don’t go thinking it was all Jongseong.”

“Explains why it tastes like shit,” Heeseung jokes, and yelps when Jake kicks him underneath the table. “I was kidding!”

Jake sniffs haughtily. “Jungwon, you try it.”

Jungwon complies with his request. The pajeon tastes like sawdust when he takes a bite of it and Jungwon places the rest of it back on his plate, dejected. Even the abundance of scallion can't reawaken his taste buds. It’s not a fault of the cooking at all — it’s because he can hear Sunoo moving around. There’s an awful knot of anxiety in his stomach and he fiddles with his chopsticks.

“You don’t like it?” Jake asks nervously, shoulders slumping.

Jungwon shakes his head. “No, it’s not that. It’s…”

He’s saved from answering with Sunoo’s entrance. Seeing his hair all mussed up and the imprints of the pillow still on his cheek make Jungwon’s stomach curdle, so he forces his gaze down to his plate. It shouldn’t be possible to want someone this much.

“You look like you slept well,” Jongseong observes. “No ghost?”

There's a brief pause before Sunoo replies. Jungwon refuses to look up from his plate of pajeon. "No. No ghost."

“I’m sure you’ll see it again,” Jake sighs. “And come to tell us all about it.”

“It’s Jongseong’s turn now,” Heeseung pipes up. He taps his chin in thought. “Or it will finally be one of the others’ turns.”

Jongseong laughs. “I hope it’s Sunghoon, he’s a total wuss.”

The irony of calling Sunghoon a wuss while being deathly scared of the ghost himself seems to be lost on him.

While the three of them are arguing about which member they want to meet the ghost next, Sunoo slips out of the kitchen. Jungwon thought he would only be going to the living room or their bedroom, but then Sunoo starts to put his shoes on.

Jake follows the direction of his frown. "Where are you going?" he calls to Sunoo, confused. "We have filming later."

"Out," Sunoo mutters, and leaves before anyone can get another word in. The slam of the door behind him is jarring.

Jungwon feels three pairs of eyes pin him in place at the exact same time. “What?” he snaps with too much heat, toying with the remaining food.

The three of them exchange glances as a tense silence fills the room. Their kitchen has always been too small for them and this adds another layer of claustrophobia. Abruptly, Jungwon feels like copying Sunoo and running away.

“Nothing,” Heeseung finally says. “Just fix it, will you?”

There’s a bit of an authoritative edge hidden in his voice, if Jungwon looks deep enough.

If only it were that easy, he thinks bitterly. He nods anyway.

The silence returns, only to be broken by Jake’s mournful sigh a few moments later. “He didn’t even try my pajeon…”

The atmosphere is tense all the way through the rest of the day and into the night. Nothing happens, of course, but it's there all the same: the monster lurking in the back of every room, waiting to clamp its jaws onto Jungwon. Even Niki picks up on it, flicking unsure glances between Jungwon and Sunoo.

The thing is they've gone through worse as a group. Every idol group has rough patches and Jungwon has needed to smooth things out more times than he should have needed to. It feels more embarrassing to him this time around because he's at the root of it. Arguments between members are bound to happen, but as a leader he shouldn't be making the same mistakes.

He shouldn’t be making any mistakes, really.

“Wrong again, Jungwon-ssi,” their teacher says exasperatedly, stopping the music with an aggressive wave of his hand. “What’s the matter with you today? The arrangement isn’t even that different from the original.”

“Sorry, seonsaengnim,” Jungwon mumbles as he bows. His eyes don’t lift from the floor.

Their teacher sighs. “Whatever. I don't have any more time left for you today, you'll have to go through it yourself." He crosses his arms. "You're all dismissed."

Heeseung is the one to come and lecture him on their way out from the unfulfilling practice session, falling into step with Jungwon as they begin the long walk to the elevator.

"I'm working on it," Jungwon mutters before Heeseung even opens his mouth.

“On what?” Heeseung asks mildly. “The dance? It's not hard, you’ll get it in no time.”

Scowling won’t get him anywhere. Especially not with Heeseung, who is utterly placid in the face of tantrums. “Not the dance, the other thing.”

Heeseung hums. “Ah, the other thing.” He makes a sharp left. “Let’s take the stairs.” Jungwon follows, ignoring the others’ curious stares. Someone has spilled a cup of iced Americano on the stairs, liquid pooling on the floor tiles, and they skirt around it. “Remind me again, what other thing?”

“Uh.” He checks behind him to be sure. “You know, Sunoo-hyung. I’ll fix it, I swear.”

“Was it a fight?” Heeseung asks neutrally.

That’s one way of putting it. “Yeah, basically.”

“About what?”

Heeseung usually isn’t this nosy. It would be hypocritical if he were, considering how many secrets of his own he hoards. Jungwon’s never had to be on the receiving end of an interrogation with him. “It’s complicated. Private.”

“Private,” Heeseung echoes, coming to a stop at the foot of the stairs and turning to face Jungwon. The base of the stairwell is secluded, thanks to the double doors that separate the stairs from the rest of the lobby. There’s an odd expression on Heeseung’s face, a spark in his eye which discomforts Jungwon. “I understand that. But when it starts affecting the group in a more public manner, then it becomes not-so-private. And at that point, when you’re making things uncomfortable for the rest of us, then maybe I need to know what’s happened.”

Heeseung usually doesn’t lecture him like this either and Jungwon feels like a cowed child all over again. “You’re right, hyung, I’m sorry. But I can’t tell you about this.” Heeseung’s face is smooth and impassive, like he’d known Jungwon would say that. “I swear I’ll fix it today and you—you won’t need to step in.”

“Alright,” Heeseung says after a pause. “Fine.” His posture softens. “I trust you, Jungwon. These things happen, yeah? We just need them to be smoothed over for the benefit of everyone.”

“You’re right,” Jungwon repeats, edging backwards now that they’ve come to a truce. “First thing on my list.”

“It better be,” Heeseung says, smiling to offset the slight undertone of threat. “Let’s go home, we must be keeping them waiting.”

Jungwon, as a general principle, isn’t afraid of many things. Heights, needles, confined spaces, public speaking, death — none of these faze him. The prospect of talking about The Incident, as his brain has termed it, with Sunoo? That's terrifying.

"Does anyone wanna watch this movie with me?" Niki calls out from the living room, shouting to be heard over the sounds of Sunghoon and Jake laughing about something.

Jungwon is grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen — very hurriedly, he might add. Heeseung and Sunoo are both in the kitchen, scrolling through their phones in silence. At least they were doing that when Jungwon walked in. He can feel Heeseung's eyes searing into his back as he gulps his water down at the sink.

"What movie?" Jongseong yells. He's knocked over their tower of shoes by the door and is currently sorting through it for a beloved pair of sneakers.

Niki takes a deep breath to yell back, "It's about an orphan who—ugh, just come here, I can't be bothered to shout."

Jungwon takes the opportunity to enter the living room as well, trailing behind Jongseong. Sunoo's chair screeches behind him. Even the sound of that makes Jungwon feel slightly ill.

"So it's a horror movie," Jongseong is saying. He shrugs. "Sure, why not?"

Jake laughs at him. "You're gonna regret saying that in a few hours."

“I’m kinda tired tonight,” Sunoo says immediately, fidgeting in the doorway.

Jungwon would have to crane his head to look at him but he can hear the lie in Sunoo's voice anyway. He knows that he really has messed up because no one even teases Sunoo about being a coward who can’t handle horror films.

"Okay," Niki says neutrally, eyes flicking to Jungwon for just a moment. "Um, sleep well."

"Thanks." Sunoo edges back into the hallway. "Good night."

A chorus of good nights follows him out the door, punctuated by a cough from Heeseung. He's come to take Sunoo's place in the doorway but Jungwon would wager talking about the film isn't his topmost priority right now. It was a very pointed cough.

"Me too," Jungwon lies. "I mean, I'm tired too. So…"

He says his goodbyes and slips past Heeseung, Jungwon's chest brushing his shoulder. At least Heeseung doesn't corner him again and give him another reminder.

It's hard not to feel some resentment towards him for his insistence that Jungwon and Sunoo talk it out, but that's only because there's something inherently shameful about Heeseung being the one to see his dirty laundry. Heeseung isn’t wrong in his actions, obviously — Jungwon does need to sort this out.

He wonders what Heeseung would have said if he managed to extract the truth from Jungwon, if he knew why things between them were so awkward. It probably wouldn't be anything good.

Jungwon decides to kill a bit of time before following Sunoo into their bedroom. He has to think of what to say to him, after all. Should Jungwon even bring up the kiss at all? Maybe he can find a way to subtly talk around it and hope Sunoo gets the hint.

He finds himself standing in the bathroom, at a loss of what to do. He already took a shower after practice a couple of hours ago but he hasn't had time to do his excessive skincare routine in a while….

A pity most of his creams are shoved somewhere in one of his drawers. He stares at himself in the mirror and watches as his own indecisiveness flickers across his face. He’s not given enough time to make the choice anyway.

“Oh!” Sunoo exclaims, stopping in his tracks as soon as he turns into the bathroom. Jungwon hadn’t closed the door and Sunoo looks genuinely startled at seeing him here, unequipped to deal with the knowledge that it’s only the two of them in a room together.

Jungwon’s stomach lurches and he can’t tell if it’s because he’s scared of facing Sunoo properly for the first time since the kiss, or if it’s because he wants to kiss Sunoo all over again. Most likely a bit of both.

“Hi,” Jungwon says bravely, turning away from the mirror. Both of them are hesitant to come closer and the rim of the sink digs into the small of his back.

“I thought you’d be watching the movie,” Sunoo says coolly, the surprise in his voice replaced with something more indifferent.

Jungwon shrugs, a twitchy movement. “I thought I should come talk to you.”

“You’re probably right.” Sunoo smiles faintly. “We wouldn’t want to make things awkward, would we?”

Jungwon ignores the sudden flare of sarcasm. “No, we wouldn’t. Or at least I wouldn’t.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sunoo’s shoulders heave and Jungwon stares at them instead of his face, unable to cope with the disoriented intensity there. Like a fire with nothing left to burn down. “Do you—you think I enjoy this, my best friend refusing to look at me after he kissed me?”

“No,” Jungwon whispers, his gaze dropping to the floor. His heart thuds in his chest, lost and lonely. It’s the wrong thing to focus on but: “I didn’t know you thought of me as…”

“My best friend,” Sunoo supplies, then snorts. “You’re a lot more than that to me now.”

Jungwon can imagine. He doesn’t think there’s even a word in any language for what Sunoo is to him. But it would doom them for him to express that sentiment out loud. Lovesick idols, cursed to write the same story over and over again.

“I can’t be,” Jungwon mutters, voice faltering. He injects false confidence into his voice and repeats it louder. “I can’t be. You know that.”

“Do you think I haven’t tried to stop?” Sunoo sneers. “That we haven’t both tried? It’s not so simple.”

Jungwon rubs a hand over his face. There has to be a path out of this. “We didn’t try hard enough, clearly.”

Sunoo scoffs in disbelief, at a loss for words. Silence cocoons them, weaving a fragile illusion of peace. Jungwon doesn’t feel peaceful. He feels haunted and desperate and like he’s one second away from shattering into pieces.

“So what will you be to me instead?” Sunoo murmurs, the fire in him extinguished. Not even the embers flicker to life, grey and ashen. His voice sounds raw, as if the words have been scraped out of his throat. “If we succeed, I succeed, what will you be to me instead?”

“Your leader.” Jungwon swallows. “And your dongsaeng.”

Sunoo nods listlessly, his eyes vacant. “That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Jungwon confirms, practically choking the words out. His own body is rebelling against him.

“Alright,” Sunoo says shakily. The rims of his eyes grow redder and redder until a tear leaks out, streaking a forlorn trail down his cheek. He doesn’t look at Jungwon, eyes trained on the wall behind him.

“Hyung—”

Sunoo holds it together despite his body’s trembling and moves to the side to allow Jungwon passage. “Get out, please.”

And who is Jungwon to ignore his wishes? Jungwon must be the last thing Sunoo wants to see right now; he’s hurt Sunoo more today than he has ever before. An inexhaustible well of emotion overcomes him, a torrent of regret and yearning and love and bitterness. Why are petulant children the only ones allowed to decry that life isn’t fair?

“I’m sorry,” Jungwon avows wholeheartedly, squeezing Sunoo’s limp hand. One last touch to tide them over.

Despite their relative quietness Sunoo’s sobs ring in his ears as Jungwon walks away, muffled by both his hand and the barrier of the door. This is the one time Jungwon can’t comfort him and he breathes in deeply, trying to convince himself of that fact. What’s done is done. Jungwon’s said his necessary piece, done the right thing. He’s followed the rules.

That feeling within him, the one indicating he’s committed a grave mistake, will come to pass. It has to.

Life as an idol is rarely sedentary. Don't like a hair colour? It will be different next week. Don't like your new song? You'll only have to perform it for a few weeks before your new comeback starts to be prepared. Go through a pseudo break-up with one of your members, whom you’re still unfailingly in love with?

Well. Jungwon’s still waiting for the conclusion for that one.

The good thing is that life moves on quickly. Idol life leaves no room for dwelling: it forces Jungwon to get out of bed, go through the motions, talk to the others (including Sunoo, where they both operate under a veneer of exceeding politeness), talk to the company, talk to the fans, and so on.

The bad thing is that, during particularly difficult times such as this one, Jungwon simply doesn’t have the mental capacity to cope with what’s being asked of him. So he makes a few errors.

“I hope you’re ready,” one of their managers informs him flatly after an arduous meeting led by the creative team. They have another meeting right after this, with the executives this time. Jungwon’s expecting this one to be even more tiring. “You know how much they love to criticise us.”

“I know,” Jungwon replies in commiseration, “but I think we’ve done pretty well since the last meeting. Right?”

“They always find something,” she grumbles, flicking her hair behind her shoulder. Jungwon doesn’t disagree.

It’s a short walk from one meeting room to the other, as they’re in the same long stretch of hallway on the seventh floor exclusively used for meetings. Like Dante’s seventh circle of hell, Jongseong had said once. Jungwon finds the comparison more and more apt with every meeting he has to sit through.

The door to the meeting room is ajar and Jungwon can hear the low murmur of the executives, talking about whatever inane things decrepit businessmen talk about to pass the time.

A different manager lurking outside pulls his phone out of his pocket. “Shouldn’t the others be here by now?”

“The others,” Jungwon echoes. Right. The others.

Only Jungwon had been needed for the meeting with the creative team but the full group is always, always, required for the quarterly meetings with the executives. And it’s always Jungwon’s job to inform the other members of the meeting time and location.

Of course, in the wake of the Sunoo situation and trying to mend his broken heart, it had completely slipped his mind.

“Oh no,” the manager says, correctly reading Jungwon’s facial expression. “Don’t tell me you—”

Jungwon is already typing away in their group chat. His phone vibrates with each new message that comes in, the members making their annoyance clear. And rightfully so, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant for Jungwon to read.

A hand lands on his shoulder to get his attention. “Seoyeon-ssi’s calling the driver to pick them up. Do you know if they’re all at home?”

Jungwon doesn’t know. “They should be.”

“I see.” He’s unimpressed but at least trying to hide it. “In the meantime, we should all get in there. We’re already running late.”

“Okay,” Jungwon says weakly, and the manager gestures impatiently.

Jungwon hates this particular meeting room. He’s only ever in here for the executive meetings because they enjoy choosing this room as a process of intimidation. The room has one of those elongated tables which stretches all the way from one end of the room to the other and it means that the two groups cluster at opposite ends. The executives lounge at the far end while the members and their managers sweat under their beady-eyed stares at the other. It’s like being sent to the headmaster’s office.

“You’re late,” the executive on the far left states disapprovingly as soon as Jungwon sits down. He makes a show of checking his watch. “And where are the rest of you?”

“There was some miscommunication between the members,” the lead manager explains, “but the other members will be here shortly. We're terribly sorry for the inconvenience.”

The executives exchange glances and Jungwon squirms in his seat, struggling to maintain his poker face. At least he wasn't thrown directly under the bus there.

"Perhaps we should get started anyway," another manager tacks on helpfully. The suggestion works to diffuse the building tension in the room.

One of the executives begins the meeting, clicking through his laptop as he drones on about profits and sales and touring. There's never any discussion about the members themselves in these meetings; it always comes back to money. Jungwon wouldn't be surprised if he simply appeared as a big KRW symbol in the executives' eyes.

The group's input is hardly ever required either. The members could probably be replaced with mannequins and the executives wouldn't notice. Somehow, it's simultaneously alienating and comforting. Yes, they're completely disregarded but there's something freeing about knowing that not every single one of his movements is tracked by the higher-ups.

After about fifteen minutes of this, there's a knock on the door and the other members file in without waiting for a response.

The executive pauses in the middle of his speech. "Ah, the Lost Boys." A round of snickers. "Come in, come in."

None of the members look at Jungwon except Sunoo, who's twisting his mouth anxiously. Heeseung apologises on behalf of the group and then the meeting resumes.

Jungwon doesn't get to speak to the members until a mind-numbing amount of time later. They bow to the executives as they leave, rushing to whatever important meeting they have next. Soon it's only the members and their managers still left in the room, and the managers make themselves scarce.

"I'll meet you in the lobby downstairs," their lead manager promises them before the door closes with a snick.

"So," Jongseong sounds out, crossing his arms. “What was all of that about?”

Jungwon gets right to it. “I’m sorry, I completely forgot about telling you guys because I—it just slipped my mind because we’ve been so busy and—”

Heeseung sighs. “Jungwon, look. It happens, we all make mistakes sometimes. I’m already over it. But…” He pauses to mull the next words over, glancing at the other members out of the corner of his eye. “It’s not like you. If there’s something else going on then you need to tell us, okay?”

The other members nod in confirmation at the sentiments. They look more concerned than anything, ready to give him support.

If he and Heeseung were alone right now then this would be a different conversation. You said you would fix it would be Heeseung’s stern reminder and Jungwon would nod and say I know I know I tried to but it just needs some time. And then Heeseung would ask him what really happened between him and Sunoo.

“I’m sorry,” Jungwon repeats. “It won’t happen again.”

He doesn't like how Heeseung is looking at him. Or Sunoo. As a matter of fact, he doesn't like how any of them are looking at him. It all gets too much: the whole mess with Sunoo and being the cause of his tears, being berated by the trainer after his mistake in dance practice a couple of weeks ago, the unending bulletins being piled onto their schedule like a wavering line of dominoes, and now this.

Jungwon begins to back away, careful to keep his voice steady. They look like a clan of hyenas, standing stock-still and watching him retreat. “Um. I actually have another meeting right now — just for me, don’t worry — so I’ll see you guys later? And sorry again.”

His hand finds the door handle as Jake asks a meeting about what? and then he’s through, out to the other side and hurrying off to the bathroom. It’s a long hallway and they probably won’t stay in that room for much longer so he power-walks before they can spot him. He can only hope that they won’t make a bathroom stop before heading back home.

Jungwon can't even remember the last time he cried. For some reason, that’s the first thought that comes to mind as he walls himself in the cubicle and rubs a hand over his eyes. Deep breaths in, out. In, out. Like he’s always been taught.

When the prickle in his nose subsides with only a few tears having leaked down his cheeks, Jungwon swallows around the lump in his throat and takes another deep breath before exiting the cubicle. His mind already feels clearer, as if a veil of fog has dissipated.

He’s standing at the sink and splashing cold water on his face when he hears the door to his left opening slightly. He turns quickly, already thinking of an excuse, and spots a familiar head of hair poking around the door.

It’s Sunoo because of course it is, who else would it be?

“Oh!” Sunoo rushes over and comes to a halt in front of him, eyes flitting over Jungwon’s face unsurely. “I thought you’d be here.” He frowns, inching forward to inspect Jungwon’s face. “Have you been crying?”

The previous excuses he was devising die on his tongue. He’s sick of lying to Sunoo. After what Jungwon’s forced them to go through, he thinks now is the best time for them to be truthful to each other. “Yes.”

Sunoo’s eyebrows fly up in shock at the admission. “What, why?!” He dismisses the question with a wave of his hand, as if he’s swatting it away. “Never mind, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He places a hand on Jungwon’s shoulder, lightly at first in case Jungwon shrugs him off then with more pressure when Jungwon leans into the touch instead. “Did you think we’re mad about the mix-up? We’re not, I swear.”

Jungwon rubs a sleeve over his face to dry off. “I know. It’s just…well, it’s everything, really.”

Sunoo sighs and draws him into a hug which Jungwon accepts gratefully. He tries not to show his desperation too much. He forgot how much he missed touching Sunoo. All the casual touches backstage or linked arms during filming, it all adds up. Having to sacrifice that recently has no doubt been one of the worst things Jungwon’s had to deal with. The other things include in no particular order: talking to Sunoo, seeing Sunoo smile, laughing with Sunoo, and trading hot pot ingredients with Sunoo.

(And kissing Sunoo, if that even counts. It was only one time after all, but Jungwon misses it with an all-consuming heat all the same.)

Basically, he just misses Sunoo.

“We have got to stop crying in bathrooms,” Sunoo murmurs into his hair, and Jungwon laughs wetly.

“New year’s resolution?”

"A few weeks too late.” He considers it and shrugs. “But sure."

Jungwon pulls back enough to see Sunoo's face but chooses to remain in his hold, Sunoo's arms loosely slung over his shoulders. "Did you make one? A resolution?"

Sunoo smiles. It's bittersweet; more of a grimace than a smile, really. "Sort of. I'm not feeling very optimistic about it. And I don't want it to actually happen anyway."

"What is it?" Jungwon asks quietly. He thinks he knows the answer.

The smile on Sunoo's face vanishes, mouth thinning into a single line. Sunoo has always had the most expressive face out of all of them — even their trainers have praised him for it. It means that Jungwon is able to read him like a book. Right now the pages are stained with ink blots, a smorgasbord of wishes and regrets and affections.

"Hyung," Jungwon prompts when Sunoo only continues to stare at him with that look on his face.

"My resolution was…" The pages flutter, ink stains disappearing until there's nothing left for Jungwon to read. "It was to fall out of love with you."

Jungwon's voice drops to a whisper. "And how's that going so far?"

Sunoo's fingers twist into the fabric of Jungwon's shirt, anchoring him to this spot. To the seventh floor bathroom, far away from anyone else. "Pretty terrible, actually," he confesses, voice matching Jungwon's. "Did you expect anything different?"

"The year's still young," Jungwon offers, mouth on autopilot. The pages flutter again and land firmly on desire. "Maybe you have a chance."

"Hm," Sunoo says noncommittally and, from one blink to another, kisses him.

It's short and chaste, a quick peck on the lips. Jungwon isn’t even given enough time to get over the shock and reciprocate. He’s left blinking while Sunoo leans back as quickly as he’d first appeared. Jungwon’s about to throw caution to the wind and reel him right back in for round two.

"I was checking," Sunoo murmurs before Jungwon can do anything of the sort, "if I was still in love with you. Just to be sure."

Jungwon inhales, heart thudding. "And?"

"Definitely yes." A mournful sigh and then Sunoo is taking another step back, hands curling into fists at his sides. He sounds miserable when he says, “I don’t know what to do, Jungwon-ah.”

Kiss me again, Jungwon thinks, entirely uncaring of what a bad idea that would be. A proper one this time.

He’ll take matters into his own hands. “Hyung, I—”

The blaring of his ringtone interrupts him and they both jolt, as if spooked. There’s a moment of hesitation once he sees the caller ID, but it’s not like they can hide in this bathroom forever. Life isn’t fair, as he’s come to learn intimately.

“Heeseung-hyung,” he greets as soon as he picks up.

“You realise we’re all waiting for you down here?” Heeseung asks, his tone clipped. “Manager-hyung said you don’t have any more meetings today, he wants us all back at the dorm for some reason.” He pauses. “I assume Sunoo is with you.”

Jungwon’s eyes find Sunoo, listening in to the conversation. “He is.”

“Well.” Heeseung’s voice loses that edge. “Okay. Just get down here quickly, yeah? We’re in the garage.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Heeseung mutters, and the line disconnects.

Jungwon stares down at his phone, catching sight of the notifications he’s accrued. He doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t want to face the real world and go back to being an idol constrained by rules and forced to pine away over Sunoo for who knows how long.

Unless he doesn’t have to.

Sunoo shifts cautiously from one foot to the other to get Jungwon’s attention. “So. The year’s still young, huh?”

Jungwon doesn’t know what to say to that. He wants to say please don’t fall out of love with me, I changed my mind after all but that sounds too pathetic even to his own ears. And he needs to think about whether he’s really going to go through with this. If he’s really going to risk everything he’s built up over precious years of his life, all for Sunoo.

(Jungwon thinks he knows the answer.)

“They’re waiting,” he settles on, in lieu of anything more appropriate to say. Sunoo won’t stop staring at him with that look on his face. “Let’s go.”

There comes a point where Jungwon realises he needs an outside perspective. He’s too emotionally invested in this to be objective — besides, he’s supposed to collate outside opinions before making any drastic moves which could alter the future of the group. He’s not quite at the level of passing around a poll to the members and managers which asks should Jungwon confess his love for Sunoo and irreparably damage the thin fabric of the group?, so he’s set his sights on something smaller.

That’s why he’s currently loitering in the male changing room of the company gym, sitting on one of the benches lining the walls and staring into the middle distance. Then Jungwon realises that if anyone were to walk in, he would look like a weirdo so he decides to wait in the hallway outside instead. He occupies himself with scrolling through his text message chain with Sunoo, unable to stop the grin spreading across his face at the cute emoticons Sunoo uses. Then he realises that this is actually pretty sad and now he looks like even more of a weirdo, so he shoves his phone in his pocket and studies the wall in front of him.

Thankfully, it doesn’t take long for Sunghoon to appear. He’s gulping from his water bottle while walking towards the changing room, and raises his eyebrows when he catches sight of Jungwon out of the corner of his eye.

“Hi?” Sunghoon says quizzically, looking around for anyone else. “Am I in trouble or something?”

“No, I just needed to talk to you about something important. And it can’t be at the dorm.”

Sunghoon wipes a hand across his forehead and makes a face. “Well, sure. Just let me shower first.”

Once Sunghoon’s freshly showered and carrying a pleasant mint scent with him, they set off towards the elevator.

“How was your session?” Jungwon asks out of politeness.

“Oh, it was good. It was weightlifting day today, so hyung said I can start to increase my reps and soon enough I’ll have the endurance to increase my sets on top of that.”

Jungwon frankly doesn’t know what a single word of that means but he settles for an amicable, “Cool.”

Sunghoon laughs as he hits the button for the ground floor. The gym is in basement level three, completely sequestered away from the rest of the activity that goes on in this building. Jungwon appreciates the sentiment.

“I don’t think you came here to talk to me about my gym session,” Sunghoon prompts.

Jungwon takes a deep breath. While he was waiting for Sunghoon, he was mentally practising what he was going to say and the script unfolds before him in his mind’s eye. “It’s about Sunoo-hyung.”

Sunghoon makes a noncommittal noise. “What about him?”

“I’m in love with him,” Jungwon confesses quietly, and the elevator doors open. Neither of them make a move to leave and Sunghoon presses the button for the twentieth floor without comment. It’s nighttime and Jungwon isn’t expecting anyone to intrude, which is why he continues in hushed tones: “Like properly. I know we already kinda mentioned it before but I thought it would go away with time but it didn’t, it just got worse and now he said he’s in love with me and I’m scared of what will happen especially as we already kissed because if we take it further then—”

“Wait,” Sunghoon interrupts. “You guys kissed?”

“Yes.” Jungwon can barely hear the faint elevator music over the pounding of his heart. “A few weeks ago. In one of the practice rooms. And then again after the exec meeting.”

“Oh,” says Sunghoon in a tone of great realisation. “Okay, that explains the—okay. Well.”

The elevator doors slide open again and he sees that the lights for floor twenty aren’t even on. Jungwon decides to take the elevator up another fifteen floors, because why not. The floor hums beneath them as they move upwards.

“And I tried to fall out of love with him,” Jungwon continues. “And I told him that he has to do the same with me. But I don’t—it didn’t work. I don’t think it can work.”

“Of course not,” Sunghoon reasons patiently. “It’s not so simple. If it were that easy then I think people would be a lot happier.”

“Maybe,” Jungwon whispers.

“What are you scared of?” Sunghoon reminds him once the silence has gone on for a little too long.

Jungwon snorts. “Isn’t it obvious? Why do you think it would be a bad idea to date one of your fellow members?”

Sunghoon tilts his head as he thinks. Jungwon studies their hazy reflections in the metal while he waits for Sunghoon’s answer.

“With all due respect,” Sunghoon says carefully, “I’m not sure why you’re even telling me this if you’ve already made your mind up.”

“But I haven’t made my mind up,” Jungwon says miserably. “That’s the problem. I still want to…”

“See if it could work out,” Sunghoon finishes for him. “Right.” Sunghoon sighs and sends the elevator back down before the doors start opening. “I think you should try, Jungwon-ah. That’s my answer. You officially have my blessing.” He smiles. “I’m actually something of a romantic, you know.”

“Wish I’d known that,” Jungwon mutters. “Then I would have crossed you off the list with Jay-hyung.”

Sunghoon looks delighted. “So you told me before Jongseong? Wow, I’m honoured.”

Jungwon scowls. “Don’t be. You were my only option.”

Jungwon had crossed Jongseong off first, only because Jongseong and Jungwon are polar opposites when it comes to matters of the heart. With Jongseong, all logic and reasoning flies out of the window when love is involved — he thinks with his heart rather than his head. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it’s not helpful for Jungwon’s current predicament — you love Sunoo? Congratulations! That’s great, Jungwon-ah! I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I think if you go to him now you can start dating within the hour! Oh, the group? Don’t worry about that, why should being an idol stop you from finding true love? Jungwon can practically envision his happy grin. Hence he decided to talk to someone more pragmatic. Rotten luck that Sunghoon has basically expressed the same sentiment to him, albeit less excitedly.

Heeseung had been next off the list because a part of him will forever be intimidated by Heeseung, worried that he’ll never truly be able to fill his shoes. And Heeseung takes the group seriously, perhaps moreso than any of them; Jungwon can guess what he would say and, deep down, he doesn’t want to hear it. Jake would require three business days to wrap his head around the idea of it and, as sweet as he is, would umm and ahh and not say anything concrete one way or the other. It’s your decision, Jungwon. Just, uh, think about it and go from there. Which is nice but ultimately useless. And Niki is Niki, bless his heart.

That still leaves one person left. Sunghoon must arrive at the conclusion the same time Jungwon does.

“You could always talk about it with Sunoo,” Sunghoon points out as they walk through the lobby, eventually free from the constraints of the elevator. “I don’t think there’s anything to lose if you guys have already kissed and confessed to each other. See what he says about giving it a try. Why not?”

“Why not,” Jungwon echoes as they step outside. A gust of wind snatches his words away from him, lost to the cold air. Why not, indeed.

Funnily enough, Sunoo is actually the best person in the group to go to for concerns like these. He's sensitive enough to take everyone's needs into consideration, but not so emotion-oriented that he'll bypass the more practical issues. Jongseong swears Sunoo is some kind of relationship guru — apparently, Sunoo had singlehandedly fixed the relationship between Jongseong and his girlfriend when they were going through a rough patch. Then again, Jongseong also thinks of himself as some sort of relationship guru — just not when it comes to his own, Jungwon supposes — so who knows how much weighting Jungwon places on that assessment.

In the end, it takes Jungwon six days after his conversation with Sunghoon to set things straight with Sunoo. Six days feels like a hell of a long time when he's agonising over something as monumental as this. Especially with the knowledge that he wants to do this. He’d been forcing himself to wait, seeing how long he could hold out for. In his books, six days is an achievement.

He makes his mind up as he trudges back alone from a long walk around Seoul. Today will be the day. They've both waited long enough. It's nearing midnight by the time he gets back home and he texts Sunoo to wait for him in the kitchen. It's not the most glamorous setting but Jungwon doesn't care and he doesn't think Sunoo will, either.

With every step closer to the dorm Jungwon grows more and more nervous, tamping down the urge to run with his tail between his legs. He propels himself through the feeling until he's left standing in front of their front door. Last chance to change his mind.

He exhales and unlocks the door.

Sunoo is already sitting at the kitchen table, chin propped up on the heel of his hand as he stares into space. He must be so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard the door open. His back is to Jungwon and Jungwon notices him tapping his finger absently on his phone screen.

You'll scratch it if you keep doing that," Jungwon says automatically, and Sunoo jumps with a stifled gasp.

His hand flies to his chest and he gives Jungwon a solemn look. "Don't sneak up on me like that, jeez."

Jungwon slides into the chair opposite him, trying not to smile. "Sorry."

Sunoo harrumphs and relaxes back into his seat, sliding his phone into his pocket. "Where were you today?"

"On a walk." Jungwon chews the inside of his cheek. "Needed to think some things through."

"Ah." Sunoo doesn't ask what things, like Jungwon was hoping he would. Instead: “Is it midnight yet?”

Jungwon checks his phone after a moment, unsure of where Sunoo is going with this conversational change. 00:07 flares to life. "Yeah, why?"

There's a small smile playing at the corners of Sunoo's mouth. "Happy birthday, Jungwon-ah."

Jungwon blinks. He'd completely forgotten that his birthday was approaching.

"That's why you asked me to wait for you, isn't it?" Sunoo presses, then laughs. "Because you wanted me to wish you a happy birthday?"

"No, actually," Jungwon says truthfully, and the smile fades from Sunoo's face. "I just wanted to—to speak to you about something."

"Oh." Now it's Sunoo's turn to be surprised, though he recovers quickly. "Well, I might as well give you your present first."

"Um," Jungwon starts, but Sunoo is already scraping his chair back and exiting the kitchen hurriedly.

Jungwon's leg won't stop bouncing. He hasn't felt this nervous in a long time. There's a tight knot of anxiety twisting in his stomach and he grips the edge of the table for support. God, he wishes he spoke to Heeseung instead of Sunghoon.

But this has to be done, right? Something has to be done — they can’t keep skirting around the topic of their decidedly requited love forever.

"Here," Sunoo offers on his return, closing the kitchen door behind him as he holds out the present to Jungwon. It's wrapped in navy paper with constellations smattered across the scope of it and Jungwon can't help but smile.

He thumbs the silver ribbon. "Nice paper."

Sunoo props his chin back on his hand, a gleam in his eye. "It was discounted." He tilts his head. "Go on, open it."

So Jungwon does.

Of all the things he was expecting to get for his eighteenth birthday, a teddy bear hugging a love heart with the English words will you be my boyfriend? stitched onto it was not one of them.

The teddy bear smiles up at him with a dopey grin and Jungwon exhales through his nose, the muscles in his neck locked tight. It's one of those cringy gifts middle schoolers get for each other. But.

“I got it as a joke ages ago," Sunoo confesses into the silence. "Except that the more I thought about it the more I realised it wasn’t a joke at all." He leans forward and places a hand over Jungwon's right hand, where he's currently gripping the arm of the bear. "You're a very difficult person to buy gifts for, did you know that? And I wanted to buy you something special. Something you'd remember. I'd scoured through so many stores, you wouldn't believe it. And my sister was no help, of course. So I was at the end of my rope one day and saw this and laughed to myself and thought 'well, at least he'll remember it.'"

Sunoo's hand is clammy atop his. "Hyung—"

Sunoo continues as if Jungwon hadn't spoken. "And then I thought some more and realised that this wasn't just a funny present to give you, it was something real. And I realised I was in love with you. And—well, you know the story after that, huh?"

"Not the ending," Jungwon whispers, finally looking up at him. Sunoo's eyes are feverishly bright, tracking all over Jungwon's face like he's trying to memorise every facial twitch. "I don't know the ending."

Sunoo smiles, a desperate tinge to it. "I think that part's up to you."

So Jungwon takes the initiative.

It's a proper kiss this time --it's been a month since their first kiss in the practice room and Jungwon has been craving another for all that time. He's not even counting that one-second peck in the company bathroom. It's monumentally unfair, actually, that Jungwon's had to go a whole month without Sunoo's mouth on his, without Sunoo's tongue probing at the inseam of his lips, without Sunoo's hands digging into his waist.

Sunoo kisses like he's been waiting for longer than a month.

"Hmm," Sunoo hums when they break apart, sounding very pleased. His mouth looks redder when it's pulled into a smirk. He thumbs the corner of Jungwon's mouth. "Yang Jungwon."

"Kim Sunoo," he somehow manages. "I love you."

It's nothing they both don't already know but it's relieving to say it out loud anyway.

Sunoo's smirk is replaced with an expression of wonder. "I love you too." He squeezes Jungwon's hand and looks down at the kitchen floor, where the teddy bear's fallen down in the chaos. "Cute bear, right?"

Jungwon picks it up off the floor with his free hand and gives it a little shake. “Would have been an awful birthday gift if I said no."

Sunoo grins. “Good thing I knew you would say yes. Ninety percent chance at least."

"You know, I was planning to do that whole spiel to you," Jungwon mutters. "That's why I asked you to meet me here."

"So I beat you," Sunoo says smugly. "I would get used to it, if I were you."

"Corny," Jungwon complains, and kisses him again.

If we aren’t supposed to be doing this, he thinks to himself while Sunoo peppers kisses along his jawline, then why does it feel so good?

Just one try at this. Just one shot at happiness. They’ll be the first idols to be in control of their own fates, they have to be.

“Hey,” Jungwon murmurs as they rest their foreheads together. "You failed your new year's resolution."

Sunoo laughs way too loudly for this time of night, but Jungwon can't bring himself to care. "That's okay." His grin fades into something softer, something that Jungwon's noticed is reserved only for him. "I think I found a new one anyway."