Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Thoma couldn't help but think that you and Ayato were for each other. You both wore that same smirk that held a glint of 'I know something you don't' hidden beneath a mask of kindness. From the moment you got off that boat he knew you were going to cause trouble; he just didn't realize that it was possible for someone to be worse than Ayato.

For being your betrothed, the head of the Kamisato clan was surprisingly calm about the fact that you had been missing for just under a week. Your guards couldn't find you, everyone Thoma knew hadn't seen you, and even the Shuumatsuban didn't have a clue on your whereabouts. Three days in, Ayato had to spill the beans because his housekeeper was about to organize a search party to scour the entirety of Inazuma.

“Haven't you heard of hide and seek?”

“My lord?” Thoma paused in the middle of explaining his plan to find you.

“It wouldn't be fair to have someone join in the middle.” Ayato smiled down at his paperwork.

“You mean to say...” The smile turned into a chuckle and the poor Kamisato housekeeper gasped. “You know where she is?!”

“No,” the commissioner finally looked up, taking the conversation seriously. “I know she's hiding, but I don't know where.” He held up a hand to show he wasn't done speaking. “I trust that she is capable of handling herself, and that she wouldn't put herself in danger for a simple bet.”

“A bet?!” Thoma has been frustrated with Ayato's antics before, but this was further than he expected him to go.

“She told me she used to sneak out of her family house and claimed she could even outsmart all of my efforts.” Ayato sighed and gave a groan as he stood and stretched. “The bet has already been won, all that is left is to wait for her return.”

What if you didn't return, Thoma wanted to ask, but he knew better. You seemed content at the Kamisato estate, but it was impossible to forget the fact that you hadn't even known of Ayato's existence until a few months ago. The Sakoku decree had been lifted, and there had been a flood of people, culture, technology, and letters. Including one from your parents. Well-off merchants from Liyue that—without knowing anything about Inazuman politics—had sent letters to marry you off.

Ayato had invited you to visit, but after a month it had been announced that you would be staying and the wedding in a year—less than a few weeks at this point. Something had happened. Something Thoma would never be privy to, but he knew his friend, and he knew the two of you had come to some agreement. You had come off the boat with a smile, but the concern on your face was just barely concealed. Now? Now you were confident enough to travel all the way to--

“Watatsumi island?! What do you mean you went to Watatsumi island?”

“I went to Watatsumi island,” you calmly responded, “what part is confusing you?”

Not only had you escaped and stayed hidden for a week; you had visited four of the islands that made up Inazuma, and the first bit of information the Shuumatsuban reported was of you being seen drinking tea with the island's priestess. And that had been only an hour before Thoma opened your room to clean up and found you sitting there reading as though you had never left.

“I told Ayato I was going. There was no need to be worried,” you gave that smile that told the housekeeper you were playing with him, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was so shocked, that he didn't stop you when you took the sheets out of his arms to place them on your desk while you peeled the old sheets off your bed. Only when you were gently placing the laundry in his still-open arms did Thoma seem to catch up with was happening. His hands closed around the sheets, and he hugged them to his chest while sending you a pout that had you hiding a smile behind your hand.

“Why didn't you tell me?” You laughed and he pouted more. It was the same light, almost artificial laugh you gave at parties when you were trying to make other lords and ladies smile with you. He'd only heard you give a genuine laugh once through Ayaka's door, and he envied her for the level of trust you had in her.

“We both know you would have thrown a fit.”

“No!” He tried to argue, but you laughed again, this one so close to being real, he could almost hear it.

“You're right,” you agreed with a nod and innocent smile. “Of course, you would simply attempt to follow me.” Poor Thoma wanted to argue, but he knew from experience that anything he said would only make things worse. Feeling—only slightly—bad for teasing him, you traded the smirk for a smile very few got to see. “I would have invited you, but then I wouldn't have wanted to come back.”

Why did you have to say that. He knew you were only playing with him, but when you made him seem like the most important person in your life it was impossible to keep himself from wishing he was. Obviously, Ayato held your heart; all of Inazuma could see how close the two of you were whether it was at a festival or on the streets of the city. Thoma just trailed behind you. Maybe if he was lucky, you would grace him with a secret little smile meant only for him when you caught his eye. The problem was that his eyes never strayed from you, but your gaze rarely landed on him.

“I should go wash these. I'm glad you're back my lady,” he sent you a winning smile, his eyes closed so he couldn't see the fraction of a second where your smile dropped at his formality. Quickly, you schooled your expression back into the fake smile you had practiced all your life before he could notice your disappointment.

As he started down the hall, you called after him. “Thank you Thoma!”

It felt wrong to string him along like you had, but at the same time, your words had been true. If Thoma had come with you to Watatsumi, you gladly would have followed him anywhere, whether that would be staying on the island, or coming back to the Kamisato estate. Ayato trusted his retainer, and you wished you could do the same, but you were still hesitant to spill secrets. At home, you had quickly learned that trusting others was the easiest path to failure; both your lessons and personal experience taught you that. The secret you wanted to share would get you far more than a slap on the wrist if it got out, however.

Ayato had a lover. And she was not you. He had made you aware of this before he invited you to Inazuma, and had been clear that you would not be welcome if you were only going to make a mess of his relationship. You met her very early on, and had done your best to befriend her, and though she had been resistant to your efforts, she had eventually grown to like you. So you, Ayato, and his real love, Miyuki, came to an agreement.

You and Ayato would get married, and as far as the rest of Inazuma was concerned, that would be that. At least for some time, his relationship with Miyuki would remain secret, that way your parents would be satisfied that you were out of the house, and Ayato wouldn't have to deal with the others in the Yashiro commission not approving of his wife. For all intents and purposes, you were the ideal partner for the job; polite, well bred, and you had several years of experience dealing with nobles from varying countries, which would no doubt help with relations as Inazuma opened up further.

Having seen the devious grin on your and Ayato's face, she wanted no part in the finer details of how you two would pull off the act, but so far it had been working. You both worked so well together that several diplomats had skipped right over 'betrothed' and begun calling you both husband and wife well before the wedding. Besides the three of you, only Ayaka and the head of the Shuumatsuban were aware of the lie. Your parents were thrilled, sending your things over the next day, almost as if they had been packing since you left. Getting away from them and living a rather luxurious life was more than you could have asked for. There was nothing for you to complain about. Rationally, this was the best possible outcome. So why were you crying in the safety of your room?

Chapter Text

Saying your wedding was magnificent would be an understatement. The weather had been perfect, as though the electro archon herself was parting the clouds for you. Though there was an abundance of nerves all around, everything ran smoothly, and the ceremony itself was flawless. Your kimono fit like a glove and the detailed embroidery dancing across the silk had everyone in attendance commenting on how lovely you looked. The party afterwards went exactly to plan as well; traditions were honored and new memories were made. As guests started to file out—long after the sun had gone down—they eagerly told you how it had been the perfect wedding for the perfect couple.

Throughout the day you held the smile everyone expected to see. You said what you should, laughed when you should, cried when you should, and followed every etiquette lesson to a T. The moment everyone was gone, you and Ayato shared a tired smile and happily put some space between yourselves. He went to Miyuki, while you crossed the room and left for the bedrooms. Once you reached Ayaka's room, you checked behind yourself to be sure no one could see you before slipping inside.

For a few moments, you stood there with your eyes closed taking deep breaths. Even you had your limits, and keeping up the act of being newly wed while also making polite conversation was pushing it. When you started to feel a little better, you took a step into the room and thought. You couldn't take off the kimono by yourself. There were so many layers that your arms couldn't really reach any of the ties keeping them on. That had been intentional, the though being that your husband would be helping you remove the fabric on your wedding night.

Your hair was pulled back and away from your face, creating a beautiful picture, but it was all held together with several varying pins. Some were practical, some only decorative, but all of them would be a pain to remove. Even if you thought you got them all, at least three more would fall out as you slept tonight. Rather than starting that battle, you settled for removing your makeup first since that was something you could definitely do by yourself.

Ayaka was supposed to be following you into her room shortly to help you get cleaned up, so you eyed the door in the mirror as you worked. The thought made you frown a little. Ayato would be taking his partner back to his room because no one would check there, but you were forced to hide in his sister's. Alone. She would come help you, and then you would be on your own. You would be spending your wedding night by yourself, and the rest of your life would be much the same. The thought made you stop your motions for a second before laughing to yourself, shaking your head, and resuming the task.

You really had been handed the short end of the stick, huh. Moving to a different country and being left to your own devices—your parents hadn't even spoken to you during the reception. Making friends who didn't have political motive would be impossible, and falling in love was a risk you couldn't take anymore. The man you did love would never see you in the same way. At best, Thoma might consider you his friend's wife, but that was if you were lucky. Chances are that he'll only see you as his employer. You couldn't even remember the last time he called you something other than 'my lady.'

Going through your options, you considered running away. It would leave a mess that the Kamisatos would never be able to fully clean up, and you couldn't do that to them. Besides, taking commissions for the Adventurer's Guild was rather troublesome when you couldn't show your face. One of your grandmothers had suggested killing your husband—something she certainly never did—but you quickly threw the idea away.

Having finished removing your makeup, you stared at your reflection in the mirror as you tried to come up with a way to escape the corner you had backed yourself into. When the door opened, you immediately were sending a hard glare at the person's reflection. Your eyes widened in shock before squinting in confusion at the sight of Thoma entering the room. He must not have expected to see you either, because he looked just as lost.

“What are you doing here?” the words left him in a rush, and he quickly tried to take them back. “I mean—not that you can't be here, but I thought...” The housekeeper trailed off trying to think through the situation. He swore he heard movement in Ayato's room on the way down the hall, but if you were here, who was there? Patiently, you turned around to face him and waited to see if he would pick up on what happened, but poor Thoma couldn't seem to wrap his head around how you were in two places at once. “I thought I heard you in Lord Ayato's room?”

“I am here,” you said the statement slowly, nodding as you spoke in the hopes that he would agree with you.

“Yes,” Thoma also spoke slowly and gave a nod of his own.

“So I am not there, right?”

“Right,” he agreed again, this time even more hesitantly.

“Meaning it was not me that you heard.”

“But--” Bright green eyes widened as Thoma caught on to what was happening. “Miyuki?” You gave a slow 'mhmm.' “But you were just married.”

“That's correct,” your statement baffled him and you couldn't hide your laugh. “A marriage neither of us ever intended to honor.” You took a deep breath at the prospect of explaining everything.

“I know you've seen how he stares at Miyuki. Ayato is not as good at acting as he would like to think, and you are not as stupid as you might lead others to believe.” At Thoma's pout, you called him out. “Playing dumb might get you lower prices at the fruit stand, but you have to try a lot harder to convince me. I've seen all the times you cover for the siblings, or trick Ayato into eating properly.” He only stared at you now, unsure whether he should be embarrassed or proud that you had noticed his efforts.

“Regardless,” you waved a hand and continued. “Miyuki has long been the object of Ayato's affections, and he explained this to me before the wedding was announced. We never planned to have anything more than a working relationship.”

“Why.” You could hardly hear the whisper from across the room, and the almost hurt expression on Thoma's face had you looking away.

“Ayato has a cover, and I get my parents off my back. Win-win.”

The room was silent as you both processed the conversation that had just happened.

“I still don't understand why you're here.”

“Ayato and I had sorted all of this out previously. It would be suspicious if I were to request my own room. Even if I did, I cannot guarantee that someone won't walk in unannounced. I can however have that guarantee in Lady Ayaka's chambers. Apart from you, no one would think of entering even if she were to invite them. And if someone were to come in and question why I'm here and not with my husband, asking my new sister to help me change into something less formal is a perfectly acceptable excuse.”

Thoma only gaped at you. You really had thought this all out. “I'm sorry my lady, it just—it just seems as though I am more upset about this than you are,” he laughed awkwardly.

“You likely are,” you laughed at his shocked look. “I've had more time to come to terms with it than you have.” Turning to the mirror, you began pulling the hundreds of pins from your hair. “While I'm certain I will be happy with this arrangement, I'm not heartless. I've shed my fair share of tears over the matter.” Then looking down for a moment you said, more to yourself, “Finding out that you're unwanted, even if you don't care for the person still hurts.” Looking up, you gave him that same teasing smile you'd worn before. “Ayato's just as bad,” you hid a giggle behind your hand. “I can proudly say I'm one of the few people to bring him to tears.”

Again, Thoma found himself staring at you in shock, his expression making you laugh some more. “I'm being serious, but I don't mean it in a bad way. I would never hold that over him, and it's not as though I intentionally hurt him.”

The housekeeper nodded silently as he tried to process all that he had just learned. “Then I suppose, I should wish you the best of luck in finding someone else.”

“Thank you.” You gave your first genuine smile of the night, and Thoma felt a blush creeping up at the sight. “Do you know where Ayaka is? You're the only person who seems to be able to keep track of anyone in this house it seems.”

“Ahh,” he scratched the back of his neck. “Lady Ayaka left to go for a quick walk. She actually sent me here, I just assumed it was to run her a bath, but now...”

“She sent you in her stead,” you finished. Normally you would have laughed at her blatant set up, but it had been a long day. The housekeeper looked away, both embarrassed by the situation, and embarrassed because he fully expected you to laugh at his predicament. Yet no such laugh came.

Slowly you stood from the vanity and turned to face him, sending another smile that had his heart racing. “If you're uncomfortable I can wait for Ayaka.” You said. He noticed the usual polite lilt to you words was gone. The way you spoke to him now was the same way Ayaka would speak to him in private, but he'd gotten used to her doing that. You on the other hand, had never seemed comfortable enough to relax like that. Thoma had honestly doubted that you'd ever let down your guard; whether around Ayato or anyone else. But you had. Just now. With him.

His brain couldn't seem to process that, and your comforting tone had only made things worse. If Thoma were to open his mouth right now, he was certain any words would become tangled with his tongue before the got anywhere near reaching you. He wasn't so much scared of the situation, as he was shocked that you trusted him this much. Not that you had any way to know that; as far as you could tell, you'd pushed Thoma's boundaries and he was struggling to think of a polite way out of the room and away from you.

Just as slowly as you'd moved closer to him, you moved away, taking a step back from him as you spoke. “I'm truly sorry--” And Thoma didn't hear the rest of your apology because he was too busy being upset that you'd gone back to that formal wording you used with everyone. The disappointment must have shown on his face because now you were giving him a concerned look, unsure whether you should move closer to comfort him, or try to leave the room so he could have more space to think.

“Oh! You don't need to apologize my lady, I was just lost in thought.”

For a moment, Thoma thought the situation was fixed; he was ok, you were ok, all he needed to worry about was helping you out of your formal wear without losing his mind. But instead of smirking and asking him for help again, you looked confused. Then almost mad.

“If I'm doing something that bothers you, I want to know,” you spoke sternly and Thoma's eyes widened in shock. Before he could apologize—for what, he wasn't sure, he just couldn't stand the idea of you being angry with him—you were speaking again. “I know you speak your mind around Lady Ayaka and her brother. While I'm aware I am not as close to you as they are, I should hope that you would know me well enough not to lie to my face.”

“N-no! my lady,” you frowned again, “of course I would tell you if something were wrong, but you really haven't done anything for me to be upset about! Did you still want me to help with your kimono?” His explanation didn't seem to do much to improve your mood, but you at least let him move close enough to unwrap the several layers of cloth. Both of you were silent as he worked; you didn't what to say, and Thoma was afraid to upset you. When he got down to the last bit, you politely told him you could manage from there.

“You know?” Thoma saw that smirk you wore in the mirror and he could already feel the blush rising from the comment he knew would follow. “I think you've seen more of me than my own husband,” you laughed behind your hand while his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

“I didn't mean to stare my lady!”

This time you actually seemed to be trying to cover your laugh, though it didn't work. “I wasn't accusing you of staring. Not that I would mind if you were,” that casual tone you use had come back and it was doing Thoma no favors at the moment. “I can handle the rest from here,” your gaze met his in the mirror, and you smiled before continuing. “I think I've harassed you enough. You did a lot today, and you deserve a break.” Pausing, your smile turned to a smirk, “I won't stop you if you want to continue staring though,” Thoma gave a short huff at all your teasing.

“If you need anything, I'll be up for a while longer, just call.” He made his way to the door, refusing to give you the satisfaction of seeing his red face.

“Of course. Thank you Thoma,” your words were nothing special, it was something he'd heard a million times before, but the way you said them stuck with him.

Only fifteen minutes passed before he gave up. You had sounded so sad, he couldn't stand it; so he marched back to your—Ayaka's—room and knocked softly in case you were asleep. There was a tense second where he heard nothing, then there was a sigh and some shuffling. The door slid open a crack for you to look through and Thoma's hand twitched, wanting to open it the rest of the way. Especially when he saw the tear stains on your cheeks that looked like they had been hurriedly wiped away.

“Did you need something?” you attempted to hid a sniffle behind your overly formal tone.

“Can I come in?” he whispered like he was afraid to startle you away.

“No.” The word was quiet but final. You didn't want him seeing you cry and you weren't finished sobbing just yet.

“My lady--” All the housekeeper saw was a flash of a scowl on your face before the door was slammed shut with enough force to rattle the walls.

You wanted to throw something. You wanted to scream and cry and hide so as to never be seen again. The one person you cared about, the only one you'd open up to, would never think of you as anything more than his employer. At best, maybe his friend, but at the end of the day, he would never call you by your name. It would always be 'My lady.'

Falling to your knees, you couldn't even make it to the bed before the tears began again. Curled up and dressed in your underclothes alone, you looked like a painting, Thoma thought. He knew you didn't want him coming in, but you'd left the door unlocked, and he couldn't simply stand there when you were so clearly upset. When his arms came around you, you readily fell into the embrace, looking for any sort of comfort. You stayed like that—curled up in his lap—for what felt like hours, but the housekeeper made no move to rush your recovery.

The tears hadn't ended, but they had slowed considerably, and you had started to sit up to wipe away the trails they left. Still holding on to you gently, Thoma spoke. “My lady,” he said the wrong thing.

“Don't!” You instantly pushed against his chest, trying to get away. His arms stayed around you, only to keep you from falling, and when you had righted yourself, he let go, watching you move a few feet away before curling in on yourself and crying again.

“I'm sorry,” he said softly, voice wavering as though he was about to cry himself. Thoma couldn't stand seeing you like this. You looked vulnerable and scared and so very, very hurt. All he could do was bundle you back into his arms and hold you. Apologies were said, only to be muffled by your hair, and tears were shed by you both.

“Please,” you spoke after several minutes and Thoma had to strain his ears to hear the words. “Don't call me that.”

“Call you what?” He felt his heart beat faster as he started to panic. Had he been insulting you this whole time, was that why you were so upset? He could never forgive himself if he had been the source of all the pain you were feeling right now.

“My lady,” you practically spat the words from your mouth as though they burned. Thoma was too confused to even speak. “I hate it when you call me that,” your fingers tightened around his jacket, and he pulled you closer to his chest in return. The two of you sat in silence for a while longer before you spoke again.

“When I was growing up, I was told that everything I was taught, every punishment my parents gave, was for my wedding,” you sniffled. “I was told it would all be worth it once I got married. That if my partner didn't love me before the ceremony, they would learn to after.” There was a pause as you choked back a sob and Thoma softly ran his hand up and down your back. “The one thing I was promised from the day I was born,” your voice turned bitter, “I will never have.”

“I know Ayato is happy, but it hurts,” your throat tightened up and you grew louder with each word. “Knowing he's spending his wedding night with the love of his life and I'm just thrown by the wayside. Waiting patiently to do my job when it's most convenient, only to be tossed away right after.”

“I just wanted one night,” you whispered and Thoma's heart shattered.

You deserved so much more than a husband that would never love you in a country that would only use you to strengthen relations. You deserved to be placed on a pedestal for the world to admire, not hidden in the shadows like some discarded plaything. He would give you the world if he could. Spend every day giving you the affection you were missing. But he couldn't. All he could do...

“What did you want on your wedding night?” Thoma spoke in a soft tone, but you could hear the determination in his voice. “I'll go get anything you like, take you anywhere you please, I'd worship you until the sunrise if you ask.”

I want you to love me, you nearly said, but the words got stuck in your throat. “I don't know.”

“Come on,” he gave a watery laugh, betraying the fact that he had been crying too. “I know you. You've probably got the night planned out down to the hour.” You gave a laugh yourself, but still said nothing. “Well,” the housekeeper stood with you in his arms and carried you to the bed. “I know sitting on the floor crying your eyes out all night definitely isn't on the itinerary.” He sat you down on his lap, still holding you close to his chest.

“No, it's not,” he heard another small laugh but nothing more.

“Diiiid you want to eat a specific food?” You shook your head in response. “Wear a fancy dress? Do a certain dance?” Both questions had you shaking your head again.

“Is this twenty questions?”

“Until you tell me what it is that you want,” Thoma spoke confidently. “I got all night princess.”

“Ayaka is a princess,” you reminded him.

“Ah, of course. You're a queen.”

“Please don't call me that,” you mumbled into his chest and felt the laughter that followed. Before he could ask another question, you spoke again. “I think I want a nap.” It was true, between the wedding itself and the hour you spent crying, you were exhausted. The fact that Thoma was wrapping you in a blanket of warmth just made things worse.

“I think at this point in the night, that's just called going to bed,” he smiled and rested his chin on top of your head, but you only shrugged. “You can't just get out of this by going to sleep,” he threatened. Normally you would give some witty comeback that meant you had won the disagreement, but that response never came.

“Thoma,” you yawned, “I'm tired. I just want to sleep.” The picture you painted had his heart melting, and the housekeeper gave in.

“Ok, ok. Just, promise you'll come get me when you wake up?” His request fell upon deaf ears; when he leaned back and looked down at you, you had already fallen asleep.

Chapter Text

Parties were loud and crowded and every conversation was a minefield, but you lived for it. This is what you spent your whole life studying for. Every smile, every bow, every bat of you eyes was calculated and executed to perfection. Ayato very clearly thought every conversation was a waste of his time, though only you seemed to notice. Still, he was just as good as you were at navigating each and every situation that came you way, whether it be dancing or small talk. From the moment you both stepped through the doors, you were acting, and fooling everyone in the room.

Thoma and Miyuki too, it seemed. Both were glaring at the two of you from the side of the room, waiting for the political gathering to be over. Neither seemed particularly angry; Thoma was more wistful, wishing you were on his arm instead, whereas Miyuki was more hurt, slowly convincing herself that you were a better fit for Ayato than her. She was wrong, of course, you hadn't spoken to him for at least a week prior, and as soon as you were back at the safety of the estate you intended to resume that silence. It's not that you hated the man, but he was busy and what little free time he had was better spent elsewhere.

Sometimes Ayaka would stand with you, other times she would make conversation on her own. Once or twice you overheard suitors attempting to get on her good side and you had to hide a smile when she invariably turned them down. Having plenty of practice doing these sorts of things growing up, you were perfectly capable of handling the not-so-subtle negotiations that were happening, but Ayato was doing most of the talking. A few of the other politicians would listen to you and agree, but more often than not they refused to listen. You were the silly wife of the commissioner, and a foreigner to boot. Obviously you didn't know what you were talking about.

The words from your mouth would be completely ignored, but if the exact same words left Ayato's mouth, he was praised for his brilliance while you just smiled and nodded. It would be inappropriate to scowl so openly, and political suicide to start an argument. For the most part, you kept your mouth shut because speaking seemed to be a waste of breath and everyone was much happier when you were silent. This is what you trained for, you really shouldn't be surprised, but you still wished you could actually speak to someone. When no one was looking, your eyes would sweep over to find Thoma, but your gaze never lingered for long. Every time his eyes met yours, he would have to bring his drink to his mouth and swallow the nerves you pulled forth.

At the end of the night, you walked home carefully with your arm looped through Ayato's while Miyuki walked on his other side. Thoma's eyes burned into your back while Ayaka spoke, her words going in one ear and right out the other. She seemed to be the only one not in a foul mood, and so she carried the conversation, not noticing the other four participants brooding silently. The moment you were all safely within the walls of the estate, Miyuki was gone, running to her room, clearly distraught. Ayato made to follow after her, but you held onto the arm still looped with yours.

“Let me go check on her,” you spoke without looking at him and left without waiting for a response. Beyond how suspicious it would look if he were the one to check on her, you also had a feeling this was something that needed to be resolved with you. The paper doors in the estate did little to hide the conversations happening behind them, and you had heard at least three separate occasions where Ayato attempted to comfort the girl. Hopefully you would have better luck.

You intentionally slid the door open slowly to announce your presence, and weren't at all surprised to see Miyuki glaring at you through tears. “You are the last person I want to see,” she spat out and you nodded while stepping into the room.

“I know.” There was silence as you tried to piece together your words. “Will you tell me what's wrong, or shall I assume.” No response came beyond a few sniffles and the shifting of bedsheets. Her eyes turned away from you, though you could still feel how hurt she was at the moment. Not wanting to make her any more uncomfortable, you stepped away from the door and moved to stand on the other side of the shoji screen that separated her bed from the rest of the room. With the barrier now between you both, you took a seat on the ground, kneeling carefully as you had practiced a thousand times.

“Ayato does not care for me,” you started slowly with a sigh. “I am aware that he has told you that before. I wish to make it clear to you that I harbor no feelings for him either. Our relationship was one born out of necessity—maybe a mutual respect—but not because we enjoy each other's company.”

“I doubt you could harbor feelings for him,” Miyuki scoffed and you stared at the floor, confused. “Even now, you're trying to comfort me but you sound like you're reading from a book you've never seen before.”

“I...am aware.” Just because you were cognizant of the fact didn't mean it was easy to correct. “Would it comfort you to know that I am capable of loving someone, and that, that someone is not Ayato?”

“No, lying to my face won't make me feel better,” she scoffed again only for it to turn into a sniffle.

“I'm not lying,” you held back another sigh and let your posture drop and your voice held a more genuine tone. “Ayato and I would be at each other's throats if we were forced to do more than act like we know each other,” a light laugh was tacked on at the end. Miyuki said nothing, but you could see her shift to listen.

“We don't trust each other. At all times I'm worried he'll run out and tell the secret. I expect him to slip up. I hide more from him than from his own sister.” You waited, hoping she would say something, but you were left to fill the silence yourself. “You two work well together, you have something that he and I could never have and would never want.” Slowly you moved your gaze from the screen down to your hands in your lap. “It may sound heartless, but,” you took a deep breath, “in a way, you're my insurance. I know Ayato won't make any mistakes because you're important to him, and if anyone found out, it would put you in danger.”

When you looked back up, Miyuki was standing and leaning around the edge of the screen to peer down at you. “I've never seen you not pretending to be perfect,” she whispered and you gave a bitter smile.

“Neither has Ayato.”

Shock showed on the girl's face for a moment before she rubbed tears away from her eyes and made her way to sit down next to you. “I just wish I was the one everyone saw him with,” she spoke but refused to look in your direction.

“Trust me, he wishes you were as well,” your gaze moved back to the ground, not wanting to make her uncomfortable. “Before I came here he wrote me a very long letter,” a small laugh slipped through your lips. “I think about one page was actually him inviting me here. The other eight were just him going on and on about how much he perfect you are. I thought it was an exaggeration at the time, but having seen you two interact, I think he was underselling how much he loves you.”

“I see,” Miyuki finally looked over to you. “Thank you for telling me,”

“Of course,” you did your best to give an honest smile and then stood up from the floor now that the tears had dried.

“Wait,” she called out as you were about to open the door. You turned, worried she was still bothered by something. “Who is it?” Confusion showed on your face and the girl elaborated. “You said there was someone you actually liked. Who is it?”

“Ahh,” you gave a breathy laugh and looked away from the eyes staring at you now. “Thoma.” That was all you said before turning and starting to pull the door open so you could escape.

“Thoma?!” Miyuki was suddenly much louder and you nearly slammed your fingers trying to get the door closed again. “Does he know?” she lowered her voice upon seeing your flustered glare. A second passed before you shook your head. “You should tell him.”

“Probably...” you trailed off, but Miyuki's expectant look told you she wanted more than that. “I have practiced and memorized exactly what to do in nearly every social situation, all the way down to accidentally catching someone pick their nose,” she laughed, but your serious look told her you weren't joking. “Telling someone how I feel about them wasn't exactly in the guidebook. I was expected to be married, and how I felt about them didn't matter.”

“You don't know what to say?” Miyuki scoffed. “That's it?” Your slow nod made her stand to walk closer to you. “They didn't give you a manual on asking someone out because there isn't one. This is something you just have to try and hope for the best.” When you heard the words, your face blanched and the girl readily laughed at your expense.

She sat you back down, and for the next hour you were given private lessons on how to go about confessing to Thoma. You were convinced that the night of the wedding had been a one-off encounter and didn't mean anything, Miyuki felt just the opposite, and you both had a good-natured argument over the whole matter. What cut your chat short was Ayato knocking at the door. Secretly, he was worried you might have killed each other, but he disguised it as him just seeing if Miyuki would be joining him for the night. As soon as the knock sounded, your back had straightened up again, and your face fell back into a neutral smile with nothing behind it. It was obvious your conversation was over, so you both called it a night and headed your separate ways.

Chapter Text

When you came to the Kamisato estate, there were several things that you expected to do as the partner of the commissioner. Knowing that the two siblings had taken up their parent's roles, you assumed that lady Ayaka would be managing all the responsibilities you would take over. Which was mostly true; she handled a lot of the diplomacy for the clan, both within the upper class, and with people you would see on the street. Housework, however not handled by her (you figured that was for the best, you had to spend five minutes explaining what a mop was to her). It was covered—and then some—by Thoma, so you thought you would take some of the workload from him.

When he found out why you were spending your free time with him, he instantly clammed up. Not in a nervous manner—he enjoyed talking with you—but he absolutely refused to let you even look at a dust rag. 'Job security,' he'd joked. You both knew it wasn't true, he could sit around all day and do nothing and the Kamisato siblings wouldn't even think about kicking him out. Really, he needed something to do, he had to be doing some kind of work or he'd start wandering around literally looking for trouble so he could fix it. That, and he firmly believed that you should sit back and relax, not be made to do menial tasks.

Thoma had been absolutely appalled at the idea of you doing any sort of chores the first week you moved in. At this point you're certain that if everyone who worked in the estate was fired, he would still do all the work himself, not even considering to ask you for help. So you promised to let him do his work, so long as he would still let you talk to him while he was doing so. Living in the estate was nice, but you felt unbearably cramped with no work to do.

Especially after your wedding, you had hoped you'd get to do some paperwork or attend meetings, but nothing changed. If there was a sudden influx of work, Ayato was more than comfortable with having Miyuki help him with it, and you weren't even allowed to bring them tea. Thoma had banned you from entering the kitchen without him, even though you could cook for yourself—and had proved so on multiple occasions—one too many accidents with a certain commissioner had him tense. Besides, it was his job to make you anything you wanted, and arguing with the housekeeper on that manner went worse than you expected. Somehow he managed to politely run circles around you, using fancy words to create a barrier around the kitchen that you couldn't break without being extremely inconsiderate.

When you took up sewing, it only lasted a week. Ayaka joked that you were wounded more from accidentally pricking yourself with the needle than you ever were from all your battles. As much as you hated to admit it, she wasn't wrong, and between her teasing, and both Thoma and Ayato scolding you, the hobby was dropped. Your “secret garden” was only secret for a month, your kamera was smashed within a week, and if you lost one more game of chess you were going to burn every chessboard you could find. Reading was safe, but you had social appearances to keep up. If people never saw you outside and learned that the commissioner's spouse spent all day lazing about, it would be a disaster.

The easiest option was for you to either help Ayaka remain sane with her massive workload, complete commissions for the adventurer's guild, or trail behind Thoma and keep him company, which is what you found yourself doing today. Watatsumi island was in regular correspondence with the Kamisato clan now that there were peace talks happening, and occasionally there guests would visit. Sangonomiya Kokomi was the model diplomat, and the lunch you shared with her and Ayaka was the most fun you'd had in a while.

After eating, Ayaka had suggested you all move to her room to continue talking, but you had politely excused yourself, knowing the two girls would probably like a minute alone. It had been an hour since then, and a letter from Watatsumi had come in for the priestess, so Thoma—and you—were on your way to deliver it.

“Did you get any mail?” You made polite conversation as you walked; Ayato would have hated it, but sometimes it was nice to have a chat that didn't require you use your entire brain lest you fall in some trap.

“Yes actually! The traveler had gone back to Mondstadt for a bit and sent me some tea. I'll brew it for you later if you'd like?”

“If you ever have a moment to catch your breath, I'd like that,” you smiled, though Thoma couldn't see it from where he stood next to you. “Tea is so much more enjoyab--” You both froze. You thought you heard a moan. But you both were only a few paces from Ayaka's room so surely--

A loud gasp interrupted your thoughts, and you made a point of looking straight ahead. If you looked at Thoma right now, the blush you were forcing down would be far too visible. “I think the priestess is busy,” you winced at another loud cry, “let's try back later. Or we can hand it to her after dinner, I wouldn't want to bother her.”

“No, of course not,” Thoma agreed, his level of composure nowhere near as high as his words suggested. The both of you swiftly turned around and began walking back down the hall much faster than you had entered. Unconsciously, the housekeeper lead you back to the safety of the kitchen, and immediately feel into the easy motions of brewing tea. The entire time you both were silent, the chefs in the kitchen not minding either of you being there, and not noticing the tension.

“This is good tea,” your words came from around the cup you were holding up in an attempt to hide the still-present dusting of red on your cheeks.

“Yeah,” Thoma cleared his throat and you both slipped back into silence.

In your mind, you were honestly happy for Ayaka. She deserved a break from her work and a partner that made her happy. The two had gotten along suspiciously well during lunch, but you hadn't thought they were this close. Yes, the thought of your sister being in a healthy relationship was definitely on your mind. The only problem was that it kept being pushed to the back. Because you had never enjoyed sex half as much as it seemed they did.

The few times you experienced were nothing to write home about, you honestly got more of a thrill sneaking out of their house without being caught so as to not spread rumors. And that thought lead you to recall the fact that you hadn't shared a bed with someone since coming to Inazuma. At this point, you had to be completely sure you could trust the person with your arrangement with Ayato before you could even consider sleeping with them.

Unfortunately, your heart had gone and taken care of that all without you, and Thoma held it in the palm of his hands without even realizing it. Now wasn't the time to spring that on him, though. The housekeeper seemed flustered enough with what he had just witnessed, you weren't sure he'd survive your confession, no matter how he felt about you. So you packed up your feelings, made an excuse about feeling tired and headed to your room, leaving the fresh tea behind before you made a fool of yourself.

That night at dinner, Kokomi looked just as graceful as she had when you spoke with her that morning. It was Ayaka who gave them away. She simply could not keep her blush down, and while he let it slide, Ayato knew her excuse of a fever was a lie. Miyuki seemed to be the only one at the table who didn't know—though you were certain Ayato would remedy that after dinner. Thoma would meet your eye for a fraction of a second before looking away. His eyes naturally landed on the girls next to him, however, which only made him more embarrassed, and if he turned the other way towards Ayato, there was a smirk greeting him.

Not feeling up for much conversation, you excused yourself soon after eating. Your husband promised he would be following shortly, keeping up appearances for Kokomi alone; so you went along, giving him your best practiced smile before exiting the room. Before you were out of earshot, you heard Miyuki excuse herself as well, something you were certain Ayato had planned out before since her leaving at the same time as you would be the least suspicious way for you all to escape. Surprisingly, Thoma also asked to leave, which you'd never seen him do before as he always stayed after to clean up. While it surprised you, you didn't think much of it, so you were shocked to see he had followed you all the way back to your room.

“I--” he sighed and ran a hand through his hair after you closed the door behind you both. “I just want to talk about it. Only for a minute, just to get it off my chest, you know?”

“Yeah,” you smiled, though it lacked the mischievous look it normally had. This was the last thing you wanted to talk about; and yet, here you were, sitting at the low table in your room with Thoma across from you refusing to meet your eye.

“I'm happy for her,” he started and you hummed in agreement. “Really.” You raised an eyebrow at that. He was close to Ayaka, you obviously knew that, but you hadn't thought he had a crush on her, or if he had in the past, you thought he would have noticed by now how her eyes linger on women for far longer than men. “I just didn't expect to find out like this,”

“I don't think she expected us to find out like this either,” you gave a laugh that was more like a sigh as you composed your thoughts. “If you need anything at all, I'm here for you.” The words sounded like you were reading them from a manual on how to comfort someone, which, in a way, you were just recalling the hundreds of etiquette lessons. You had just found out your crush didn't like you, and the reason you found out was because he had a crush and just found out that this crush didn't like him. It would be funny in twenty years, you were sure, but right now it still stung.

The words seemed to go completely over Thoma's head; though, to be fair, he hadn't really listened, and it's hard to understand what you don't hear. “I mean I knew they were dating.” he did? “but I didn't know they were fucking.”

What an elegant way to put it, you thought. Outwardly, you asked, “What do you mean you knew?”

“Oh, Ayaka has been getting letters from Watatsumi for ages, and you can see the hearts she draws on her return letters through the envelope.” He leaned back on his hands and tilted his head back. “I guess I just assumed since they rarely saw each other, they wouldn't do something like that right away.”

“At least you knew,” you gave a quick laugh. “I only found out they'd been dating now! I thought they just had some fairy tale moment and decided to spend time together while Kokomi was here.” Following Thoma's example, you relaxed, letting your perfect posture fall so you could rest your elbows on the table and place your chin in your hand.

“Ayaka seemed to really be enjoying herself too!” Thoma sounded more shocked than perverted, but you couldn't help but tease him as a way of relieving some of the tension you'd felt before. The second you raised a brow and gave him a careful 'yeah?' he caught up with what he said and was trying to take it back. “I just mean—“ he sat back up and groaned. “They haven't seen each other so you wouldn't think they'd have that much practice!” At your silence, he became more nervous and kept going. “I mean you really have to know the person to get them going like that, right?”

You shrugged and started speaking slowly as you mentally went through your rather short list of past lovers. “I never really stuck around long enough for them to learn my name, let alone what I like in bed.”

“Really?” Thoma leaned forward on the table now, and if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed his attention suddenly very focused on you. Instead, you . There was no embarrassment to hide, you simply were lost in your thoughts. Since the wedding, it was very rare that you allowed yourself to pity your situation, and unfortunately, this conversation had just brought all those thoughts to the forefront of your mind.

“I mean, I wasn't supposed to be having sex at all,” you laughed, still not meeting his eyes. Thoma stopped his staring for a second to look confused, and then he winced a bit. Your arranged marriage with Ayato had only been planned shortly before it happened, but from the moment you were born, your parents knew they were going to marry you off, and raised you as such. Falling in love would end with you sent to another country away from the person, and getting caught in another's bed would see you thrown to the streets. Whoever your husband was, it didn't matter; you were expected to sleep with him and only him.

“Sorry,” Thoma muttered, leaning back from the table some. With your free hand you waved him off, sending him a lopsided smile while your head still rested against your hand. It didn't quite reach your eyes, but at least you weren't burning holes into the floor anymore.

“Honestly this is probably the best case scenario for my situation. Except finding the love of my life and eloping with them before the marriage I guess,” you chuckled a bit at your own joke. “Still, it could definitely be worse.” Raising your arms above your head, you stretched and let out a satisfied sigh after a second. “Maybe one of these days I'll find someone that makes me moan like that,” you smirked at the reference to how loud Ayaka had been earlier.

Thoma didn't know what to do. Part of him could only think: me. I'm that someone. I can do that. Let me do that. He didn't care if he had to climb over the table or crawl under it, he needed to hear you make those sounds. He needed to prove to you that he should be the one to continue to pull them from your lips. The only thing stopping that from happening was the other part of him that realized just how fragile you were in this moment.

You weren't the confident wife of the Yashiro Commissioner, or the proud bride that hid a smirk under her veil. All the teasing was gone from your voice, and you had never looked so lost. This part of Thoma wanted nothing more than to pick you up from the ground, cradle you to his chest and hold you safe in his arms. He wanted to be the one to comfort you, and when your confidence returned, when you went back to the pedestal you so rightly sat upon, he wanted to be the one you smiled at when you looked down.

“Thoma?” Your concerned voice pulled him from those thoughts, his eyes darting from where they'd been staring blankly, to your face.

“I want to help,” he spoke with a confidence that wouldn't have been there if he'd actually processed the words before saying them.

“You want to be my wingman?” you asked skeptically.

“No,” Thoma shook his head. “I want to make you moan.” He was going to cut his tongue out after this. The both of you stared at each other with wide eyes for a moment, him too scared to look away, and you too shocked. After a few seconds, your eyes softened and you finally pulled your gaze away and smiled to yourself.

“I know you're the guy who can fix anything, but this isn't like that,” you spoke quietly, still unsure where he stood in his feelings for you.

“No, it's not,” Thoma shook his head solemnly. “I don't want it to be, either.” You looked back at him, waiting for an explanation. “What I said before wasn't very well put,” a soft snort from you gave him the confidence to keep talking. “But I still meant it. I want to make you feel that good, and if I don't, I want to have the chance to learn how to.”

“You really mean it?” The question was so quiet, he almost missed it. For a second, your eyes searched his face, and Thoma was too mesmerized to speak, but apparently whatever you found was good enough because your gaze met his and you gave him a proper smile. “I hope you realize I'd expect the same opportunity.”

“Opportunity?” he echoed.

You nodded, “Opportunity to learn how to make you feel that good.” A smirk took over, but the housekeeper was honestly happy to see it rather than the sad look you'd worn earlier.

“We'll see,” he teased back and it made you lean back with a laugh, part of you just relieved to hear him say that. When you opened your eyes again, it was only for a second—to see Thoma leaning across the table—and then they slid shut as he gently pressed against your lips.

The kiss was soft, your hand tracing patterns on the arm that was on the table supporting him, and his free hand cupping your cheek. He could feel you smile into the kiss, and he hoped he got to feel that a thousand more times. It lasted a few seconds before he pushed forward for more, and you, not having got the memo, were pushed back, not offering the resistance he expected, and your eyes flew open again to see Thoma. But now he was half laid over the table, your back was flat against the ground, and his head was laying on your stomach as he gave an annoyed groan at what had just happened. Gently running your hand through his hair, you did your best not to laugh though it didn't work very well.

“Unless you plan on spending the night like this, I think you should get up.”

“I don't know,” he mumbled and pushed his head into a better position, and further into your hand. “is very comfortable.” His arms moved from where they had been on the ground trying to catch himself, to wrap loosely around you.

“This is not good for your back. Plus, if we move to the bed, you can use an actual pillow,” you tried to bribe him but it had the opposite effect, his arms tightening around you. “Or you can continue pretending I'm a pillow,” you sighed, though you were hardly upset at the idea. That offer seemed to work, because Thoma was off you in a heartbeat, and pulling you up soon after.

Since it was your room, you had jim jams to change into, Thoma did not. But he also refused to leave to go get them because he didn't want to walk across the estate twice when he could just strip to a pair of boxers and be fine. For once, you were the one blushing, and he was the one teasing because you stared. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew he was strong, so logically, he would have a bit of muscle. Actually seeing it was completely different from just being aware of its existence. You tried to argue that he was just as bad with you changing, but he really wasn't; aside from a light dusting on his cheeks, that confident smirk stayed on his face, and you knew you lost that battle.

Grumbling to yourself, you climbed into bed, and angrily blew out the last candle and laid down with your back towards him when you heard Thoma chuckle at your antics. You shivered when he lifted the covers and let the cold air hit your back, but then it was gone and replaced with a warmth that you couldn't help but melt into.

“You were supposed to be my pillow,” he spoke softly, and you could hear the pout in his voice. Nudging him gently with your elbow, you rolled onto your back and you had hardly adjusted before there was a head on your chest and arm around your waist. His grip was loose, but the heat radiating off of him could be felt everywhere now that he was pressed against you.

“Good night,” you whispered with a smile. Thoma probably said it back, but all you heard was a hum. Having him this close made your heart want to race with nerves, but it also made you feel so calm, you were asleep in minutes.