Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Bill, we have to talk” Was what Stan said.

Bill went froze. He didn’t know what was going on. He tried to be a good boyfriend. A good friend. He tried being friendly and kind, being the best version of himself. He wasn’t getting what he did wrong, What was the reason Stan had to call it quick.

And as if he was reading Bill’s mind, Stanley said to him:

“Bill. This is not your fault. You are a great guy and deserve the world. But I’m not gonna be him. I’m sorry. There’s someone else, someone who I was captivated by since the first time. And I think he is the correct one. So I’m sorry, Bill. But we are over”.

Stan left after that. Bill noticed the tears running down Stan’s cheeks, noticing that, even if he was the one asking for this, he didn’t seem to want it to happen.

But even when Bill wanted to go after him, he couldn’t. It was like he was glued to the floor. His legs weren’t responding. And when he was finally able to move, Stanley Uris wasn’t there anymore. It seemed like he evaporated, leaving Bill’s life at the same speed as he got into it. Leaving Bill with an apartment full of nostalgia, clothes, and things that weren’t his. Full of memories and feelings. But he also left Bill with pain in his chest, desolation in his heart, and a hole in his soul that was shaped as Stanley Uris.

The first few days felt like hell for Bill. Everything reminded him of Stan. He wasn’t even in the mood for getting out of bed, because following him was Stan’s ghost, reminding him of all that he (feels) felt.

After a month of self-depreciation, Bill knew it was time to let go. He was pretty rough with himself, and he was going to (try to) rebuild the Bill Denbrough he used to be.

He started to hang out with his friends again. Stan’s friends were his, and everything turned rapidly uncomfortable. Not because of the friend group itself, because they were all friends before Bill and Stan started dating. But because Stan would avoid hanging out with their friends if Bill was coming. Making the hangouts something uncomfortable and painful.

Bill never thought of contacting Stan. He found it unnecessary, plus, he knew Stan doesn’t like it when people are highly insistent with things. So, following what he knows of his friend (and ex-boyfriend) he didn’t try to contact Stan, even when Stan didn’t block him on social media, that just didn't seem correct.

But Bill would pay close attention to Stan’s social media. Becoming into his most painful hobby. He liked watching Stan’s Instagram stories. In Stan’s stories with his new boyfriend. Stan’s stories with his new boyfriend in all those places they used to hang out. In his stories, Stan looked brand new, shining, happy, and he didn’t seem to be the least bit affected by their breakup. But even if Bill didn’t like seeing Stan with his new boyfriend, Stan seemed happy, and that was (is) Bill’s priority.

Watching Stan’s stories became like a mantra for Bill, and even if it hurts, he liked it.

But every time he and his friends hang out. Stan would become a topic. That Stan and his new boyfriend went together to the quarry. Stan and his new boyfriend had a nice picnic in the barrens. Stan and his new boyfriend went to one of Richie’s shows. That Ryan (Stan’s new boyfriend) had dinner with the Uris and got introduced as Stan’s boyfriend (even if that took Bill way more time than two months in the relationship). Stan and Ryan this, and Stan and Ryan that.

He didn’t like that. He feels overwhelmed. It’s exasperating how people have just focused on making it super clear that Ryan is way a better boyfriend than he ever was.

Until he was not. Even when Stan seemed to be fine on social media (looking all happy and as if he had moved on) Richie (Stan’s best friend) told their friends it was another story.

According to Richie, Ryan started changing his attitude towards Stan. The relationship started having struggles. And even if they weren’t Bill’s favorite couple, he didn’t like it, because it affected Stan. He is sure that he is totally capable of treating Stan better than Ryan would ever be able to. And a little, jealous part of Bill wanted to know. He needed to know if Stan was whenever feeling lonely, even if Ryan was beside him. If when Ryan didn’t treat Stan right, he read the poems, the stories, the texts, and all the beautiful words that Bill wrote to him when they were together.

But in pics, Stan and Ryan just looked so fine together, that what Richie told seemed fake. A pretty lie to make him feel better.

What they had was real? Bill started questioning himself. Considering the short time, he couldn’t understand how Stan would have been fine.

The thing is that Stan had ‘something’. That was something that didn’t allow Bill to move on. That made him keep the pictures that Stan send him on his phone. That made him weak when hearing the name ‘Stanley’.

Because, if Bill got the chance of getting any wish, he would like to be able to wake up with amnesia. Bill wishes he was able to forget it all, the love, all the romantic gestures. So in that way, maybe he will be able to take out of his head and his heart that guy who stole it.

And for some reason, it all made sense.

Waking up from this nightmare. Waking up.

Waking up not being able to remember anything.

Waking up.

Bill suddenly became conscious.

Everything was just a dream.

It’s all about waking up, leaving all behind, and finally waking up.

And Bill took his final choice. He walked out of his apartment. He went to the rooftop of the building. And he just sat down to think. He thought of his life, his job, his parents, Georgie, his friends, of the losers (who are like siblings to him). Of Stan. In the way he loves Stan. In his willingness of waking up. And so, Bill Denbrough jumped into his death.

.

A cold breeze, a warm feeling between his legs, and something hard against his back is what woke up Bill Denbrough that morning. He tried to focus on the alarm clock that rested on the nightstand, it marked 4 am. He noticed he was in his room (actually, on the floor of his room) and that the window was open.

“Bill, What’s up?” Stan asked. Bill noticed, by the tone of his voice, that Stan was still kinda sleepy.

And that made him feel so happy.

“Hmm, ye-yeah,” Bill said, looking for Stan’s face in the darkness of the room. Seconds later, he said: “I-I just fell”.

“Are you ok?” Stan asked, he was heavily concerned.

Bill just nodded. He supported himself in the bed to get up. Then, he took the blanket up from the floor.

Stan hugged Bill gently, being careful of not hurting his boyfriend. But he received a tighter hug from Bill, who didn’t want to let go.

Bill hid his face in Stan’s neck, inhaling his smell, hoping it was all real. He needed it all to be real. He needed Stan there, hugging him, holding him closer, loving him.

Bill slept that night hugging Stan, feeling the warmth of the body of the boy lying with him. He slept being so sure he would wake up, all being just a harsh dream, a blurry memory of a dream. He slept so peacefully like that memory was all erased by amnesia.