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Language:
English
Series:
Part 2 of I'm thinking about us a lot
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Published:
2023-01-31
Words:
655
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
9
Kudos:
136
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9
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1,953

I'm sorry

Summary:

Wang Yi is haunted by his past and by the psychological shadow Qin left on him

Notes:

I really enjoyed writing the way I see Qin's mind, so here's my attempt at writing whatever was secretly going on in Wang Yi's head after the events up until chapter 45.

Also, this is a mess because Wang Yi's mind is also a mess in my interpretation. The ideeas may not be coherent, but it gets the point across quite well.

Work Text:

   Are you okay?

 

  I hope you got back to the camp site just fine. I'm sure you did. 

 

  You might not understand now why I did it, Qin, but it's for the best.

 

  ...

 

 I can't sleep. 

 

 I wish I could have repaied you. I wanted to make up for everything I did.

 

 

 Maybe, just maybe, I could have stayed and let you make a ragdoll of me.

 

 

 I know you wouldn't have been satisfyed with that. 

 

 

 

 You have always wanted me to care for you, to be a good older brother. And even though you knew I couldn't do that for you, you kept pressing my buttons.

 

 

I told you there are certain feelings I can't return no matter what.

 

 

 

You weren't even phased when I told you the story about the cat. Sure, it wasn't the whole story, but it should have been enough to make a normal person question my sanity.

 

 

 

 You didn't bat an eye.

 

 

 

 I hate it. I hate that you used to search for me hours on end just to give me flowers, toys, to show me your test results.

 

 

 It made me want to be kind to you. It made my staying at the Wang villa torture. 

 

 

 I wanted to keep every thing you gave me, and I had to throw it all in a trash can just because.

 

 

 I wonder where it all went wrong..

 

 Is it because you didn't care about the heroine at all in the first place? Or maybe because you were already curious about me?

 

 I wish I could have thought I hated you, so neither of us had to go through all this shit.

 

 

 You were happy when I followed you to school. I liked your pained expression when you were exausted from playing basketball. It was pretty.

 

  I liked it when you cried. But it hurt just as much as it felt good. 

 

 

 I even told you I killed all of my classmates, yet it left no impact on you.

 

 

 It's a bit scary, being so obssessed with someone that you don't care about what wrongs they do.

 

 

 Still, I can't feel that fear. The only fear I have is leaving you without atoning. Which I did. I left.

 

 

 I can't repay this debt.

 

 I wish I could thank you again for what you've done, but the ideea of us meeting once again makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand like it brings some bad juu-juu.

 

 

 

 

 When you said you liked me, it made my heart sink because I knew I wouldn't be able to return your feelings.

 

 

 Seeing adjuntant Qin's face makes me die a bit inside. I keep thinking about you when I'm with him.

 

Even though it's only been a few days since I entered ''The last gardenia'' novel, I'm already plagued by thoughts and worry. I hope you got over me. 

 

 

  I remember when you asked me to lend you my red scarf. Technically, it wasn't mine, it was "young master Wang's" scarf, but it probably meant a lot to you.

 

 

  I hope you tossed it straight into a fire. 

 

 

  I so desperately hope that you cut the strings between us so I wouldn't have to.

 

  

  I'm not dumb. I'm well aware about the extent to which your so called "love" for me goes. 

 

 

  But I want to be wrong. I want to think that after I left you completely forgot about me.

 

 

 

  Not in this life, not in any other life, should a male protagonist like you love a murderer like me.

 

 

 

  I'm so sorry for hitting you, for swearing at you, for using you to get the tasks done.

 

 

  If I wasn't so selfish none of this would have happened.

 

 

  You getting attached was my fault for being careless. 

 

 

  I did all of it to save my classmates, but never once did I take your feelings into account.

 

 

  Please, 

 

 

  Forget about me, Qin.

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