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Chapter Text

„How perfectly marvelous!” - said Lord Merton.

„And who can argue with that!” - could be heard from the Dowager Countess of Grantham in the hall of Cavenham Park.

Isobel hooked her arm around Dickie's on the steps, and they started walking in the direction of his room.

Although this wasn't Mrs. Crawley's first time in the house, nor her second, she has never been upstairs. Yet she didn't use this occasion to look around and study. She was too nervious for that. She was flooded by more emotions, than she could name. Her heart was beating too fast. No matter how much she thought she was doing the right thing, she could always hear the contrary reasons in her head. After all, she was used to fighting for others, but not for herself. Nor she barged in on another family, to take away one of their members, before. As far as she was aware, Dickie has always expressed his wish for her to be in his life, while never losing sight of her best interest or own will. Even after she has ended their engagement, which he reluctantly accapted. When she took him to Dr. Clakrson, the last time they saw each other before today, she could tell he was glad for her attention. Yet cautious, if she really wanted to get involved, especially as things progressed not in his favour. She knew he wasn't satisfied by his sons' behavior. He condemned them, whenever they acted out. He tried hard to persuade them into better judgement, especially concerning her. She saw that first hand. However he seemingly never considered breaking his relationship with them, not even when they were the only (tho immense) hurdle in their way to marry. Until now. She was worried about how Larry and Amelia have been treating him in the last few months. She doubted he was well looked after. She was sure now they didn't care about his emotional needs at such a difficult time, and she was almost confident it extended to his physical well being too. So many things were running through her head at the same time, that she couldn't form a sensible thought anymore.

She put one foot in front of the other atumatically. When they reached his room and stepped inside, he asked if he should ring for his valet. She nodded.

After ringing, Dickie opened his mouth:

„Why? How? What do you mean they denied enterance?”

To be honest, he was in quite a shock. When he woke up today, this was the last turn of events he would've expected. His dream of a long time was finally coming true. Although definetly not in the way he first dared to imagine, yet it did happen when his hope was the faintest. He has resigned to his fate by now.

Isobel took a step towards him and gently touched his cheek.

Oh, how they both missed to be physically near to the other.

„I know I owe you a proper confession and we have a lot to catch up on, but your valet can be here any moment, and I would rather keep this conversation between us. It would take more than a minute. I can only assure you again now, that I have every intention of taking you home with me and marrying you.”

„Tell me that you're not doing it out of pity!”

„I can tell you I have way superior reasons than that.”

Dickie's eyes closed and she could see the emotions running through his face. She felt so bad for withholding herself from him, and preventing his happiness for so long.

For the first time in months, she took in his appearence. Her heart squeezed, as she noticed how much weight he has lost in a relatively short time, and how hollow his eyes were. She felt a pang of guilt for not asking sooner about how he felt.

„Are you okay, Dickie? Won't the ride to my house tire you too much? Are you in any pain?” -she asked worriedly.
He detected the worry in her voice. He didn't want her to feel bad, even for moment, so he tried his best to reassure her.

„I do feel tired and weak, but I'm not in any pain. I wouldn't give up going with you for anything in the world. I already feel so much more cheerful that you're by my side.”

„Oh darling!” - Her use, for the first time, of a term of endearment for him, suprised them both. They shared a smile at the realization and she stepped closer once again, to cradle his cheeks with her hand. - „You're a flatterer. Even now.”

Footsteps could be heard from the outside nearing, and so they stepped apart.

She asked him:

„What do you want to bring with yourself?”

„Well, I don't know.”

„I think I have everything you might need, except for your clothes and your important personal belongings. For the rest, we can come another time, when you feel up to it, or send someone for it.” - she said, as the valet finally stepted into the room, a bit surprised to see a women inside.

„Kingston, you might remember Mrs. Crawley. She is going to look after me. So I'm asking you to pack an overnight bag for me now. You should send the rest of my clothes by the end of the day to Mrs. Crawley’s house.”

He didn't know how much he should explaine himself to his employees. He knew it was awkward, that she was in his room, while his valet was packing. As if staying at her house, without them being married, wasn't already streching propriety rules.

Isobel looked at His Lordship as she asked:

„Don't you need to change?”

He was wearing a robe, over his plain trousers and a shirt.

„Oh, I almost forgot. I will be quick!” - he sent a reassuring smile in her direction.

Wanting to be useful, and also trying to avoid beaing stuck in the same room with his valet without a task, she asked him before he disappeared into the sideroom:

„Can I pack something for you, that you would like to bring with yourself: books or anything else, while you change?”

„Let me think.”

„Do you have any valuabels you wish to bring along? Like keys, checkbooks, letters ...?”

Lord Merton lowerd his voice and stepped closer to Mrs. Crawley, while Kingston has already busied himself with packing.

„We can't move all my things all of sudden in a few minutes. I can't even think of what I would want to take with me. I would feel better if you waited here for me. I don't want you to run into either of them without me. I will hurry and then we can take a look around together to see if we need to come back later” - he stepped even closer, so he could lean into her ear and whisper- „Besides, I finally have you, that's all I’ve needed.”

His proximity was affecting her. She wondered, when did she turn into a teenager in love. His words were so simple, yet held so much meaning. She realized, he never stopped wooing her. He never let an opportunity of complimenting her or expressing his love and admiration, pass. Even now in these circumstances he was courting her, making her forget all their troubles, even if for just a moment, making her feel safe and loved and jolly.

An urge to kiss him properly then and there, came over her. Another first in their relationship. A familiar feeling, that she hasn't experinced since the death of Reginald. She wasn't sure she could've restrained herself if it wasn't for the presence of the valet.

Instead she said:

„Go and get changed!” - followed by a wink at him.

She saw him blush for the very first time. She really didn't know what came over her. Why on earth did she think, it was any better of an idea, than kissing him.

He quickly dissappeared into the next room.

She wished they were anywhere, but in this house. She didn't know what do with herself. She couldn't decide what was wiser: offering to help the valet, or doing nothing. She offered anyways. He was surprised to say the least, but quickly declinde.

She ended up looking around the room, to see if she could discover something new about him, that she didn't know yet. After all, personal space can give away interesting facts about anybody. She took mental notes. She was curious to see how he will change the space he will get in her house, to his own liking.

Lord Merton emerged back, poprely dressed.

Isobel looked at him as soon as she heard him come out. She couldn't help but note how handsome he looked in her opinion, despite the obvious mark the illness has already left on his body.

„Lets head to the library!” - he exclaimed as he walked to her.

She hooked her arm in his once again. They were both nervious to walk around the house.

She realized she didn't even see his library before. They headed back downstairs. The hall was now empty to their relief.
They turned right and soon found themselves in the library.

Dickie had his desk, where he wrote all his letters and kept his keys and checkbooks, in one of the corners, under a window facing the garden. While he stepped towards it, to get his things, Isobel looked around in wonder. She expected it to be big, she knew his favourite things were books. They talked about his library on several occassions. He even lent her a few books, following his proposal. Yet she was still stunned.

„This is gorgeous, Dickie!” - she said, as she stepped closer to one of the shelves to observ the book titles. – „You should be proud!”

Than she suddenly felt a pang of sadness, when she remembered that he has to leave it behind.

After he got ahold of the things he has planned on, he turned around, and walked in her direction, watching her as she focused on the books.

„You know, this is the only thing I will miss.” - quickly adding- „It's an insignificant sacrefice all things considered.” -then continued- „I've kept account of all the books in my posession. I have written down all the titles for myself. We can take it with us and if we every need anything we can fetch it from here. I don't think it would be a problem. My sons never cared about books. You should look at the medical section. That's what I'm most proud of, if I'm allowed to say such a thing.”

„Of course.” - she smiled at him.

After viewing it, she turned to him:

„What else do you need to do, before we go?”

„I don't know what to do with the servants. I don't want to leave without a word to them. Some of them been part of my life since forever. But this handover is a rather awkward situation.” - he glanced at her- „You think we should go down, don't you?”

„I think you know me well enough.”

He guided her in the direction of the servants' hall.

„Dickie, I haven't thought about it before, but you know I only have a house maid and a cook. Did you think about bringing anyone with you to my house? What about your valet? He must have found it odd when you told him you are going to stay with me, for more than one reason.” - she tried her best to sound neutral, she wanted to know how Dickie really felt about it.

Lord Merton sighed. He regretted the consequences, especially for those who didn't have any say in the matter, but would suffer from the fall out.

„Honestly I haven't gotten that far, but I think it would be best not to bring anyone.”

„I agree.” - and knowing the man as well as she did, she was sure his mind was on the same problem- „We can think about something later, if any of them would be dismissed due to the handover.”

„Thank you.” - he said, feeling relieved and thankful for a millionth time that day, that this wonderful woman was at his side.

They arrived to their destination. He asked his butler to quickly gather everyone. He used that time to gather his thoughts and come up with the right words to say, which seemed impossible.

When everyone available arrived he started:

„Some of you may have heard a few things, so what I'm going to say won't necesseraly shock you.” - he reached for Isobel- „You remember Mrs. Crawley, and the fact that we have been engaged. We plan to marry as soon as possible. You also know that I have been ill for sometime. From now on Mrs Crawley will care for me in her home. It means I'm handing over the estate to my eldest son and his wife. They are going to be your new employers. I regret the suddenness of the change and the inconveniences it might cause you. I want to thank each and every one of you for your dedicated services. I very much appreciate all of you and hope you will continue to feel valued members of this household. We wish you all great personal happiness, and we must say goodbye with that. Till we meet again.”

Isobel quietly stood at Lord Merton's side, and observed the people gathered there, listening to their Master's speech. She saw some surprised looks and a whole lot of sadness. She wasn't expecting it, even tho she believed Lord Merton to be one of the kindest employers in England.

When he finished, they shook hands with everyone. They were showerd by well whishes.

She found it all emotionally very taxing, even without knowing these people. She could only imagine how Dickie felt.

After shooking every hand they finally headed outside for the waiting car.

Isobel only now remembered, that she hasn't seen Violet since walking to Dickie's room. She hoped she was waiting in the car, tho she felt terrible for her.

As they stepped outside, Isobel tightend her grip on his arm. She couldn't help but feel bad, that it had come to this. She was sure, it wasn't easy for Dickie to just leave his home, the place where he was born, and have lived all his life, behind. This made her even more determened to make her house a home for the both of them. The thought of a shared home warmed her heart, and filled her with excitement for a moment. A little ray of hope in the midts of a gloomy day.

Violet considerately was already sitting in the front of the car, so the couple could sit together in the back.

As they got in, Isobel fussed around Dickie, to make sure he was as comfortable as possible.

Violet asked them if they had everything needed.

At last the engine started and they were on their way.

As they left behind Cavenham Park, she felt a portion of weight being lifted off her shoulders. She squeezed Dickie's arm where her hand has been resting there. They shared a look, silently communicating their support and understanding for each other.

The ride, after such events, was not the place or time to hold any conversation.

Dickie did look extremly worn out. During the journey he dozed off a few times. When he was awake he seemed to be deep in his thoughts.

Isobel let him be, she thought he needed some time alone with his thoughts to process everything that has happened.

She was surprised by her own desperate need to be phisycally close to him throughout the day. She was never a big demonstrator of public displays of affection, and never felt the urge to be clingy. Yet somehow she noticed now, how she wanted to be near him at all times. She needed to be reassured that he was there, still alive, and from now on they will never be parted.

She wanted Dickie to know, as he was flowing between the states of awakness and sleep, that she was there. So they sat with her arm hooked under his, her hand resting on his arm.

Chapter Text

Lord Merton and Mrs. Crawley safely arrived to Crawley house. They thanked the Dowager Countess for her help and bid goodbye.

Isobel was eager to get Dickie settled and resting as soon as possible. Matthew's old room has been prepared for him. It was just opposite of hers upstairs. She sent him to take a bath, while she talked to Dr. Clarkson and her cook about his diet. When he was done with his bath, Isobel went up to his room to eat.

She was relieved watching him eat all of his soup.

When they were finished, he looked at Isobel:

„Can you tell me your confession now?" asked Dickie impatiently.

„This has been a hard day especially on you. I want you to rest.You need it! I promise I will be ready to talk when you wake up. We can discuss any and every question you have then. Please, just sleep a little!" - Isobel pleaded.

She hoped he would understand her point. She was just trying to look out for him, putting his best interest first. She wasn't trying to get out of anything.

Dickie was dissapointed, because he had quite a few questions. Their communication has not been very clear. They really needed to discuss a few things. On the other hand he had to admit it to himself, that he was indeed exhausted. The topics they would talk about were serious and would take up quite some time. His current physical state was not ideal to start such an important and long conversation. She did promise they could talk everything through after he rested.

He reluctantly agreed:

„Alright!"

It didn't take long for him to fall asleep. He ended up sleeping a few hours, only waking up in the evening. While Lord Merton slept, Mrs. Crawley busied herself downstairs, from time to time musing about the conversation ahead of them. While he was sleeping, she regularly went upstairs to check on him. After he woke up, just a few minutes passed before Isobel came to check on him again. He needed that time to fully awaken. When he saw her drawing a chair next to his bed, he knew his moment had come. He was eager to get to the point.

„I'm all ears, Isobel."- Dickie looked deep into the woman's eyes as she sat down on the chair facing him, at the side of the bed.

Isobel was flustered. She knew this moment was coming. She was both anxious and excited. She thought about this moment a hundred times.

„Dickie" - she started by looking back at him. - „You know me. You know I'm very honest and no good at pretenses. Yet I find it really hard to talk about my feelings and emotions, even with you. I also know, you deserve nothing less, than open honesty. Especially as you have always managged to bare your heart to me, and trusted me enough to be vulnerable." - she paused.

He was listening very intently. He wasn't sure where this was going.

„Can I ask you to let me say everything I want, without interrupting? I promise you can ask me anything you want afterwards." - she looked up at him hopefully.

„Of course, go ahead!" - he nodded and looked at her reassuringly.

She lowered her head for a moment, but than looked up at him again, straight into his eyes.

„I love you, Dickie Grey!" - she said, her voice barely above whisper, cracking at the end.

Her eyes were filled with sadnass, shining with unshed tears.

When she said it, his eyes closed and he tilted his head back a little. She saw the emotions running through his face. She saw him clench his jaw, then open his eyes and look back at her. There were so many things in his eyes, but she couldn't read it all.

Dickie felt the wind knocked out of him. He couldn't belive he was hearing it right. He was surprised by his own shock. It has been all so confusing for so long. He could never know for sure how she felt, as she never talked about her feelings. Not when she agreed to marry him, not when she broke it off. Not even the last time they saw each other, when she took him to Dr. Clakrson. He asked her there, what did she mean by 'we', when talking about dealing with his illness and why did she want to get involved now. Her answer was 'You know very well why'. But that was the point. He didn't. He hoped it was because she loved him, but he couldn't know for sure. As much as he wanted to believe it, he could never erase the voice of doubt. After all she broke off their engagement. Whatever she might have felt for him, it seemed it was not enough to marry him. But then when he became ill, she chose to come after him, ready to take care of him and become his wife. Without any affirmation, how could he be sure, she didn’t came back because she pitied him, or felt guilty. He has dreamed of this moment for so long. He has been floating between hope and agony, ever since falling in love with her. It was surreal to hear it now, after all this time, and to see the love and pain in her eyes.

He reached out his hand as if to say it's okay. She took it, thankful for him. He squeezed her hand offering his support and love in return.

„I'm in love with you." - she reiterated proudly.

The uncertainty, pain and sadness, they felt moments before, fully dissapeared for now. Pure joy and happiness wholly over took both of their hearts. It reflected in the love shining in their eyes as they stared at each other for a few minutes. They were wrapped in their own world, as if time stood still. Wide smiles broke out on their faces, as their hands continued resting clasped together.

She cleared her throat, as she remembered the uncomfortable parts. Their little bubble burst and she drew back her hand.

„I know I should've told you a long time ago. I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t have turned you down."- she said, tears shining in her eyes and guilt evident in her voice. - „I was fighting againts us, when I should’ve fought for us alongside you."

Of course Dickie too regreted they didn't get married. However he loved Isobel, and it pained him to see her this way. He didn't want her to feel guilt on his account and blame herself. He wanted to interrupt, to free her from these negative thoughts, but he remembered her request to let her speak, so he restraind himself.

Isobel noticed him opening then closing his mouth, without a word coming out of it.

„I’m sure you have been confused by my actions, and sometimes you didn’t know what to think, especially as I failed to disclose my feelings to you.” - she continued. - „The truth is I didn't know how exactly I felt about you, until recently.” - she lowerd her eyes, as she felt too ashmed to look into his eyes.

Dickie tried to catch her eyes. He really wanted her to know, that she could tell him anything.

„I never thought I would love a man again, after Reginald. I knew I was lucky to experince such love, when so many people never get to. I wasn’t young anymore and I had a son to think about. I erected a wall around my heart preventing any man from getting close. I didn't want to go through the pain of losing someone so important again. Especially not after Matthew's death. I barely survived it."- she said as a shadow of grief passed through her face, like everytime she talked about her son.

Just as it was hard for her to talk about it, it was hard for him to listen. He knew, she was happy with her first husband and still loved him, even though they barely talked about it. He also thought of how he once forgot that his goddaughter's dead husband, Matthew, was her son, her only child, when he asked about her children. He remembered how painful that conversation was for her.

„I was not interested in any kind of arrangement and I thought I had my share of love. Until you proposed, I thought you wanted something from me I couldn’t give. I never considered a second marriage and I didn't think you could be in love with me. I no longer thought I could evoke such feelings. I didn't think of myself as a woman in that sense. I thought if someone showed interest it was only because they were lonely.”

Hearing this, made him sad. How could she think that? How could she not know, she was absolutely gorgeous inside and out. He doubted man only approached her out of loneliness, even if as he once said it was usually the reason at their age. In his opinion Isobel was not the usual case. She was an extraordinary woman. However if it was true, then he guessed he was lucky for the lack of competition.

„I was set to refuse you. But then you suprised me with your talk about love and your desire to make me happy. I could tell your feelings were genuine. I already thought very highly of you. I enjoyed your company immensely and you treated me better than anyone.” - she continued, as she felt shy talking about her feelings for him. - „It made me think. I examined my current life and thought about the future. I don't know if I was too afraid to acknowledge it, or simply didn't realize it until then. I was often alone and I was lonely. I always knew how lucky I am to have the family at the abbey. They have been so kind. I know I could count on all of them. However I still feel like an outsider lot of the time. They have each other, their own immediate family. I’m just a distant relation without an immediate family. I forgot how wondeful it is to feel special to someone, until you came along and made me feel that way" - she shighed. - „When I said yes, I belived both of us could be happy. After loosing Matthew, it was the first time I actually had something to look forward to for myself. I thought life didn’t have much to offer me anymore. I saw your proposal as my last chance of an adventure. You've given me that. I could never tell you how much that meant to me."

This confession warmed his heart and made him smile. It meant a lot to him. He recognized the significance for her. He was glad and proud, that he was able to give her something so meaningful.

„The way you loved me and treated me, alongside my high regard, respect and care for you, even without my love, I thought was going to be a good fundation for our marriage. I believed with time, my affections could grow, and I could learn to love you in a way. But I was sure I would never feel that passionate, all consuming love ever again. How wrong I was.” - she chuckled. - „My confidence in my decision grew with each day, until your sons dumped a bucket of cold water on me. They scared me. I didn’t want to stand between your sons and I didn’t want to face their loathing every day. I couldn’t acknowledge how deep my feelings run for you. I thought it best to wake up from this foolish dream and the sooner we forget it the better. I think deep down I was sure I could still count on you and it helped me play down my loss after refusing you. So very selfish of me.” - she said bitterly.

Dickie itched to touch her while he was listening to her baring her heart for him. He couldn’t resist any longer and took her hand agian. He hoped to quiet her self deprecation by his touch.

„When you told me about your illness, I was terribly upset. I would keep bursting into tears. I couldn't think why I turned you down. I remembered my reasoning, but it seemed so silly now. When I had to face you won't be around for long, I could not escape my feelings for you anymore. No matter how much I tried to forget you and push my feelings down after we broke up, I couldn't. Not anymore. Deep down I've always missed you. I knew now, that how you and I felt about us, should’ve always outweighed your sons opinion. At the end when you truly love someone, nothing else matters. Not even the dissaproval of your sons.”

Her confessions made him sad and happy at the same time. To know she loved him all along was sweet. The fact that they could’ve had more time was bitter. But he saw no point in dwelling ont he past.

„I’m so ashmed, but the saying is so true. We can't apprecate what we have, until we no longer have it. I was still afraid to admit that I was in love with you." - she said as she vividly remembered the immediate hours and days after he told her about his diagnosis. - „Violet stated that I was in love with you, when I told her how upset I was upon learning about your condition. I still fought the idea. Being in love, I always associated it with being young and carefree. Yet I found myself not being able to sleep or eat, or think about anything else than you. I've never regretted something as much as I regreted turning you down in that moment. At the end of that day, despite all my fears, I was forced to admit to myself how desperately I love you.”

It was so strange to learn about her feelings after so long and to hear her saying how she loved him.

„I decided that from then on I wanted to be as involved as you would whish me to be. I was not sure if it entailed marriage. In some moments I even doubted if you wanted me near.”

His eyebrows shot up hearing this and he started fidgeting in his seat. Once again restraining himself from interrupting her. He couldn’t believe she would think that. Not after how he pleaded for her to be his wife. How presistent he been. When he told her about his diagnosis, he also said again how he whished he could’ve been married to her.  

Mrs. Crawley was deep in her thoughts as she passionatley remembered the details while relaying her feelings.  She didn’t notice Lord Merton’s idignation at her words.

„After all I had no right to expect anything, when I was the one who turned you down. But my ultimate wish was to be married to you. I didn't know what would Larry and Amelia do about it. When I took you Dr. Clarkson and you asked me why did I want to get involved, I should've been more straightforward. I planned on walking you here and talking things over. I wanted to tell you that I loved you. And ask you, what you would want me to do. Then Amelia took you away, and when I went to see you, she didn't let me in."

These words pacified him for the moment. His heart swelled at the knowledge that she wanted to set the record straight earlier and she didn’t abandon him. It also hurt him, that Amelia was just as bad as his sons. He wanted her to be a better influence on his sons and he hoped so much she would help winning back Isobel, that he was blind to her real character.

„Even though you talked about how your sons were not the kind of people you wanted them to be, you always loved them. I didn't want to think ill of them. I doubted it, but I hoped, for your sake, that despite their flaws, at least they truly loved you. You never talked to me about the details of your relationship with them. I saw no right to bring it up or to meddle. You giving up Cavenham or breaking with them never occured to me.”

They arrived to the most painful subject for Dickie. It was still a fresh wound, yet a long time in the making. He really did love and care about his sons. He hasn’t lost all hope yet, of them changing one day. But they did cause him a lot of hurt. What he found hardest to forgive, they caused pain to the one woman he loved most on the planet.

„When Amelia came along, she wanted me to take you off their hands. I'm not sure if you knew this, but Larry invited me for tea, before you went to London, to see the doctor. When you got diagnosed, and they realized you won't be in their way for long, they changed their minds. She did everything to keep me away. When she didn't let me in following her interception after our visit to Dr. Clarkson, she said you didn't want to see anyone, except your immediate family.”

He was finally learning about the missing informations. He didn’t have any doubt about Isobel telling the truth. He was dissapointed in Amelia, as much as in his sons. He felt his anger rising.

„I told her I wanted to hear it from your lips, because I doubted it was the case. My position was based on what you said when you revealed your diagnosis, that you would've liked to have been married to me, and arguing for my involvment when she came for you following our meeting with Dr. Clarkson.”

His earlier indignation proved to be unnecessary. It seemed, she knew what his words said about his position ont he matter. He couldn’t blame her for having doubts, when he himself harbors some.

„On the other hand, I could never shake the doubts I just talked about." - she continued. - „They didn't care about you and they weren't giving you the care you needed. There was no denying anymore, that you deserved better. It hurts me to think about how they treated you. I could no longer let it go on like this. I had to take matters into my own. I needed Violet's support and strength, because I wasn’t sure I could get through Amelia and Larry, alone. I also couldn't get rid all of my guilt and my doubts. Sometimes I thought I deserved suffering by being away from you, because I turned you down.”

He couldn’t bear listening to her beating herself.

„The lingering doubts, wheter I was doing the right thing for you, finally and fully dissapeared today. When I heard your voice asking 'Why did nobody tell me they were here?' and when you asked why I have stayed away, I knew you counted on me. I didn't want to force you to break with them. The moment you finally told Larry off, I knew nothing could ever change my mind anymore about marrying you."- she finished and looked at him with a bittersweet, selfdepracating smile. - „I'm so ashmed, it took me so long to come to my senses. I'm so sorry I turned you down. That I didn't treat you as I should've. Can you forgive me for wasting so much time?"- she repeated herself.

She raised her head and her tears stained cheeks.

He couldn't stay still any longer. He got his legs out from under the covers and scooted at the end of the bed, next to Isobel. He touched his forhead against hers, both his hands resting on hers in her lap.

"Of course. But you don't have to apologize."

She closed her eyes and shook.

"I can't forgive myself. I don't know if I every be able to not feel guilty about it."

„Oh, darling." - said Dickie as he threw every caution, every rule about propriety to the wind, and enveloped her in his arms.

He stroked her hair and back, soothing her. They stayed like that for a minute.

After letting go and giving her a handkrichief, he responded:

„As hard as it was, I accepted your decision, when you broke off our engagement. However much I disagreed, I respected your stance. When I told you about the diagnosis, I said I'm not too downcast. I told you I would've liked to have been marriaed to you, but I know no man can have everything. And look at me now, I might get even that after all. I'm happy, that I get to have you now. If I'm fine with it, than why should you be angry with yourself? We have little time left. What good would it do, to spend it whising the past would be different? We can't change the past, but we can decide what to do from now on. We can appreciate what we have left. We can cherish each other for each coming day. Don't waste the present by looking back in bitterness at what has passed, whising we were together, when we are together right now."

He took a hold of her face with both hands gently lifting her face so he could look in her eyes and make her understand.

„You did what you thought was best at the time. You wanted to protect yourself. I do not resent you for it. Please don't hurt yourself, if for nothing else, for my sake. Let's be present here and now, and soak up every moment together."

She sniffed. He brought his hands down from her face to her shoulders.

„You're right. I don’t want to spoil the time we have left. Tho that doesn’t appease my guilt. It's easier said than done, but I'm going to try and let go for you. You're way to good to me."- she whispered.

„Nonsense.” - he shook his head. - „Sorry for interrupting you, but I could not let you speak like that any longer. Please carry on, I'm listening."

He let go of her shoulders and his hands wondered back to her hands resting in her lap.

„I'm sure if I left something important out, it will come up later. I think we could talk about the practical things like, how do we want to go about the wedding and getting you settled here. But otherwise, I'm finished. You can ask anything."

„Are you absolutely sure you don’t have any other doubts about us marrying? Any second thoughts?” – he asked with a concerned face.

„I’m absolutely sure.” - she smiled at him and leand over to kiss his cheek as an affirmation of her words.

After the kiss he cleared his throat:

„Before we discuss the practicalities, let me voice my own concerns, so both of us can get rid of all of our doubts once and for all. My conscience wouldn't rest if I did not bring this up."

He was looking at her waiting. Her heart started beating faster. She was afraid. What more obstacle could there be. She let go his hands.

„Please, go ahead." - she said nerviously.

„When I asked you to marry me I didn't know about my illness. In my offer I stated that I believed I could make you happy. At least I very much would like the chance to try so. I thought I had at least a few years ahead of me. At the time I still considered myself healthy and strong enough to travel and go on adventures with you. The circumstances have changed. I'm ill and I don't have much time left. I should be fading with each day. As much as I would like to deny it, I'm already doing so. Our prospects of a life together have changed. How could I make you happy now?” - he paused and searched for her eyes. - „You have just told me that you are in love with me, and I can’t tell how wonderful it has been to hear those words from your lips. I have dreamed about it for so long.” - he gently stroked her cheeks. – „But still. You just said so yourself how difficult it was for you to lose your husband and son. It would be cruel to chain you to myself when my fate is certain. Soon I would leave you alone again. Until then with time I would be increasingly become a bigger burden. It wouldn’t be fair to you! I can’t do that." – he looked at her helplessly as he finised.

It was obvious how difficult it was for him to say these things. His eyes shone with unshed tears.

Isobel once again cursed herself for refusing this man. If she didn't take her word back, they would be married by the time of his diagnosis. They would've already vowed to each other for better for worse, in sickness and in health. He surely wouldn't think she should break her vows then. How she loved this man. He always put her needs and happiness first. It was hard to see him tormented.

„Listen to me Dickie."

It was her turn to grab his face and make him look into her eyes.

„Do you want to be married to me?"

„Yes, of course, but..."

„No buts. – she interrupted in a firm voice.- „Do I want to be married to you?  A 100% yes.  It should be that simple. I was stupid for not thinking like this, for so long, when you yourself tried to convince me. Surely you don't think that when one half of a couple is sick, then they shouldn't be together, to spare the other half. You are not saying that's what love is. Love and marriage means the opposite. It means we will going to bear everything that will come along, together. Yes, I was afraid of being hurt, of losing another loved one. I also know that if I wouldn’t marry you, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I’m marrying you. I get to love you and be loved by you, for as long as we have time. How could I regret that? Although the pain was immesurable, I could never regret loving Reginald or Matthew. Not even losing them ahead of time, could warrant that. I get to make memories with you, and they will keep me company when you are gone. We don't see into the future. Anything can happen. Even if it seems more likely now that you will go first, we can't know for sure. Any day I can drop dead. I'm not saying this to be morbid or to scare you. I'm just trying to get across my point. I should know with Matthew. We can never be sure what's going to happen, not even when we think we do." - she said firmly. – „We might not going to travel. We probably won't have the kind of adventures we first thought about. I don't mind it. I want to be your wife because I'm in love with you. I want to spend as much time with you as God allows. I want to be as phisycally and as emotionally close to you, as it is possible for two people on this Earth. I'm not marrying you, because of what kind of entartainment you can provide me. I love you first and formost because of who you are, not because of what you can give to me, or how you make me feel. Those are important too and you are wonderful at them, but that's not the essence. Even if you're fading, I can still enjoy your company. Just as you have said, we should cherish each day we have left together. I have a lot of hope, that we still have quite some time ahead. I'm confident that I can give you better care, than what you have recieved from Amelia and Larry. I'm hopeful, that we can slow down your deterioration. I know I will do everything in my power."- she smiled at him and squeezed his hand. - „I feel we can never run out of things to discuss. I never found someone, who shares so many of my interests. Who knows as much about them as you. Who is so well read. Whos opinion I can always respect and rely on. I want to marry you because I want to be there for you. If you have the same reason for wanting to marry me, I can assure you, how much you can be there for me and enrich my life. I'm looking forward to hours of discussions. I never had anyone to whom I could talk to about my feelings, as openly as I just did now, with you. Who I know would listen, care, understand and comfort me. I look forward to being able to share every moment, joy and sorrow with you."

She paused. She lowered her eyelashes. Her voice became a whisper.

„If you wouldn't mind, I would enjoy spending hours in your arms, because there is no place on this Earth where I feel better, more secure or more loved."

„If this hasn't convinced you enough, than think about this way. I know you, so don't try lying to me. If the situation was reversed, and we were already married, when we found out I was sick, would you have left me? If we were engaged, planning a wedding, when we found out, would you have backed out of marrying me? Or if we would be in this same exact position, just me as the patient, would you whish not to marry me?”

„Of course not, how could I not marry you? How could I wish to not be with you, when you were sick?”- he said whemently.

„Tell me if I'm wrong for wanting to marry you! If you honestly think I shouldn't marry you, despite both of us wanting it, just because you're ill.” - she demanded passionately. – „I can tell you: I could only be happy if you allowed me to be by your side. The only burden would be if I were denied to be there for you in your time of need.”

She was looking at him, daring him do disagree.

He was looking back at her. He didn't know what to say.

He was amazed by her. If he had any doubts before of how she reciprocated his feelings, or how much she wanted this marriage, they have been erased by now. He couldn't keep himself from feeling bad about the knowledge, that he will cause her pain. That it might going to be harder for her, when he leaves, as they would get even closer to each other in their short time together. No matter how much he wished it worked diferently, he knew that love must come with sorrow too. Most of all, she told him he wouldn't be a burden, that he could still make her happy. Who was he to contradict her.

„What do you say?”- she asked, after she could no longer stand the silence.

He lifted his head and looked into her eyes.

„I love you. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. I don't know what to say. I don't deserve you. I can't belive you love me. I can't belive that my wildest dreams are coming true. Despite everything, I think I've never been happier.”

„Lord Merton I'm asking for the last time: do you have any reason why we should not marry?” - she asked sternly.

„No, Mrs. Crawley.”- he replied with a smile.

„Than I never ever want to hear a word against it again. Don't you ever dare to imply I would have been better off without you. Understood?”- she asked as she stood up.

His eyes following her, looking up at her he replied:

„Yes, Ma'am.”

He scooted back on the bed to make space for his fiancee to join him.

„Come here.” - he motioned for her.

Chapter Text

After discussing each others' doubts about their marriage and defusing them, Lord Merton invited Mrs.Crawley to sit next to him on his bed, so they could fully embrace each other. At that moment he felt completely happy. Following a long time of dreaming, yearning, doubting and trying to forget, he was finally able to hold her in his arms. He wasn't thinking about any implications, just wishing to be close to her, wanting to find and return solace in her company. When such revelations have occured, how could he not wish to hold her ?

Isobel wanted nothing more than to be as close to him as possible, just as she had told him earlier. However she couldn't forget that it was all so inappropriate in their situation. If someone walked in on them, - though they were alone in her house at the present, as her maids have left for the night - it couldn't have been more compromising.

She had to admit, it was a tempting situation. Being alone in his bedroom, on his bed. Well not exactly his, it was Matthew’s, but he was going to stay there for the time being. A deep longing has been awakened in her, and she couldn’t ignore it. However she knew she was getting ahead of themselves. They never even talked about their physical relationship. She didn't know if he wanted her that way, or what he was planning on when he first proposed. Something she did know, was that she trusted Dickie without reservations, and she didn't really want to waste any more time by refusing to sit embracing him, when they were finally together.

As much as she has been longing for his closeness and their mutual openness, she found it strange. Isobel knew it was no wonder, after being alone for years, and also living in a society, where it was expected to repress one's feelings, to be calm and calculating at all times.

They were probably already more straightforward during their first engagement then most, though not as much as just now. She felt that an invisible wall, which they didn't notice existed between them, has crumbled now.

Dickie draped his arm around her and she settled against his side, while their back was supported by the headboard at the wall.

It was good to be on the same page for the first time in such a long time. But there were still many things that they needed to agree on.

Dickie wasn't aware of her thoughts. He was in bliss. Trying to comprehend that she loved him just as much as he loved her. That they are going to be together from now and she really is going to be his wife. She was here now next to him. He couldn't believe all the changes that have happened since the morning.

He took her right hand in his gently and started playing with it. Caressing it, intertwining their fingers. Enjoying the proximity in silence for a few minutes, until she broke it.

She lowered their hands and looked up searching for his eyes:

"What do you have on your mind? What kind of wedding would you want? When do you think we can arrange it the soonest?"

"I would marry you right now, if I could. The most important thing is that I get to be your husband. As long as that happens, I don't care if it's at a registry office or in a church. I want you to have the wedding you want. The kind that we would have had if we didn't break up. How would you like it?" - he asked back.

She looked up at him and touched his cheeks. How she loved this man. He was always thinking of her and caring about what she wanted foremost.

"I feel the same way. I would marry you right now. Truly anytime, anywhere."- she stroked his cheek gently, as they stared into each others' eyes. After a pause, she continued - "It will be your wedding, just as it will be mine. What you would like, what you dreamed about, how you imagined it, matters as much as my wishes. So?"

"It really doesn't matter. The sooner the better. I wish you were already my wife.”- a sigh escaped him- “You know I don't really want to wait around. We could ask for the closest available date at the registry office. We both know that marriage is not about the wedding, but the relationship between two people and their lives together from that day forward. On the other hand, I want you to have a proper wedding. It would be nice if it was made even more special, a significant memory to look back on. Not to say that it won't be the most wonderful day either way."

He was studying her face, trying to figure out what she would like.

She has given this some thought already and she had something to bring up, she was just searching for the right words. She hoped she wasn't going to offend or hurt him in any way with her plan.

"I've had an idea. I’m sure too, it will be the most special day to me, no matter what. But I thought we could have a nice little wedding here at the church if it can be arranged in a few weeks from now, and we could have a small party afterwards." - she said tentatively, watching for his reaction. - "I don't want a big event, just something intimate, where the important people in our lives can gather. Have the people who mean something to you there, your friends.”- hesitating a bit she added- “You know, we might not have a chance at another party and I can't think of a better occasion. What do you say?"

They knew she was talking about his illness and eventual death. It wasn't easy. Thinking about it, made them both sad, a lump appearing in their throats.

He was touched by her consideration.

"I would like that very much, it's a wonderful idea."- he kissed her forehead. Sensing her lingering uneasiness, he wanted to lighten her mood, so he attempted to joke about it. - "I think I can stay alive for a few more weeks." - But it seemed he didn't succeed with that comment. Her expression became even sadder. - "Darling, what is it?" - he asked, concerned.

"I hope I didn't offend or hurt you by saying that."- she replied, avoiding his eyes.

"My dear, not at all. I'm touched by your thoughtfulness. It's all right, really. We can talk about it. I know you to be very straightforward. We both believe it's better to address things. Talking about it doesn't change the facts. However sweeping it under the rug only makes it worse."

He waited a few beats for an answer, but nothing came. She was lost in her own head, wondering when she became such an emotional person.

"Though four weeks is enough time for you to change your mind once again about marrying me."- he attempted again to get a reaction out of her.

Her head shot in his direction, her eyes sparkling furiously.

"What?"

It was not the reaction he was aiming for. He had an inkling that he might just made things worse.

"I'm sorry, I meant no harm. I guess then it's too soon to joke about it. I just wanted to make you laugh."- he quickly tried to salvage the situation.

"Richard Grey, I thought you didn't like teasing!"- came her stern reply.

"Well, I don't enjoy it, when it's malicious, but I'm a good sport if it's done in love!"

"I'm not sure you could ever tease me about that! It might be too painful."- Isobel said in a gentler tone.

"I'm really sorry, I just wanted to lift your spirits. I saw you starting to drown in unpleasant thoughts. I didn’t have a better idea to fix it. Tell me, how can I make you feel better ?"

She turned to look up into his eyes and put her hands on his, which has been resting around her shoulder.

"Just hold and love me!"-she said with a smile.

Dickie kissed her forehead and drew her body closer. They rested together in silence for sometime, enjoying the other’s proximity, with their heads full of thoughts.

After some time, Dickie opened his mouth:

"It's a marvelous idea about the wedding! I would really like it. If it's truly what you would choose too, then I’m more than happy about it."

He looked down at her face, his expression holding so much love. She returned that same adoring gaze.

"It's settled then.”- she said enthusiastically- “I will ring Mr. Travis tomorrow, or maybe walk by and see if he is in. We can plan the rest after the date is secured. I don't want you to stress about any of it."

"Don't worry about that, I'm not gonna stress. You should know I'm a calm person, except when it’s about your well being.”- he winked at her.- “I do want to be involved in the planning Isobel. I don't want you to keep anything from me. I want to shoulder the tasks as much as I can."

"But Dickie, there won't be anything I couldn't manage. You're ill, you shouldn't tire yourself, you must take it easy. I will take care of everything."- she said firmly.

"Isobel, please, promise me. It's my wedding too. I want to be your husband, your partner, your equal. I want to share the tasks. I know my limitations. I do need more rest, but for now that's it, I'm still capable. Allow me to be as active as I can be. Sitting or lying around, doing nothing, would be the same when Larry and Amelia looked after me. I know the time is close, when it will get worse, but until then ..." – Lord Merton’s voice cracked.

Isobel took every illness seriously, but she also always believed that staying as active as possible was the best thing to do. Naturally, when the person who is ill is your loved one, worry can override your judgments. His reference to his son striked her. Deep down she was very glad he was so eager to be involved. She always wanted equality. She believed in partnership, to half the burden and double the joy.

"All right, I promise. If you also swear you won't overexert yourself.” - she relented- “You immediately tell me, if something is too much, if you don't feel well, if it stresses you out. I just want to keep you with me for as long as I can. Hmm?"- her voice softened.

"Deal."- he trusted his right arm out.

She shook it, a soft smile playing on her lips.

"About you living here.”- she turned serious again- “I want you to feel at home. I want you to feel this is your home, just as it is mine. You're not a guest, but the man of the house.” – she started caressing his arm. - “Downstairs, Matthew had a room, which he used as an office. I thought it could be yours now, and you could do anything you want with it. Maybe it could be your own little library here, or whatever you would like it to be. A space where you can retire to, where you can enjoy solitude, when you have had enough of me." - she said, smiling teasingly. - "We can paint it any color, or put on any wallpaper you choose. I want you to have your own room besides this, and alter both to your liking. What do you say?" – she inquired, intently watching his reaction.

Dickie, as most -if not all- man would, felt uneasy about living in the Crawley house for certain reasons. He knew it would be the man's duty to provide. On top of his illness, not being able to provide her a home, and let her enjoy all his wealth, only grew his insecurities. He knew Isobel didn't care about it much, she was happy the way things were, but still. Even if he took up the room and did as she said, how could he feel it was his home? How could he feel as if he was not a guest or an intruder, an imposition? When she even wanted to put time and money into changing the rooms to his liking. He felt he didn't deserve it.

Isobel suspected it won't be easy for him to accept the whole situation. She has been thinking about how she could make it easier for him. Crawley house was given to her for life, but she wasn't exactly sure how it all worked, like whose name it was under etc. She resolved to ask Robert about it, and if possible she wanted Dickie’s name to be added next to her on whatever legal documents have stated her claim on the house. She wondered if it could be done without regard to when they will get married. For now she didn't want to mention it to him. Only after she talked to Robert and he consented.

Lord Merton was thinking about how he could elevate her circumstances and compensate her, for not being able to provide her a home as he gave Cavenham to Larry. He knew she would have enjoyed the library and his much bigger garden. He felt he couldn't give her anything new. He made plans to speak with his lawyers -as he had to anyway, about the handover of the estate- to see how much money he could keep, while keeping his sons satisfied, and how much he could leave to her in his will, along with his personal items. He hoped he could do at least something that couldn't be contested by his sons, when he dies.

He swallowed big and sighed before answering. He saw it best to be honest, even if it was hard and he had to be very vulnerable. He trusted her to understand.

"You know very well that I should be providing for you. I know other people's opinions shouldn't affect me, yet I can't help feeling bothered, probably because I think they are right, but that's not all. I wanted to make your life better, to improve your livelihood. You know if you came to Cavenham, it would've been a welcome change. There are plenty of rooms there, and anything that you would've touched would've been better. Crawley house has been your home for a long time. It's much smaller than Cavenham. Don't think I'm saying it's not enough for me. I'm just trying to say that, I’m not only unable to improve your position, I’m making it even worse, by imposing on you."

Isobel couldn't keep herself in check, she interrupted. It pained her to listen to him, to know how badly he viewed his current position. She was thinking about how else she could make him understand that it didn't matter to her. That to her, he has been the most wonderful man she ever met and nothing could change that.

"I have told you, you are not a burden. I want this. I don't need you to improve my situation"-she said vehemently.

"Please, let me finish. I know you have told me that. Still, I can't help feeling this way. Why put so much effort into decorating or giving me another room, when I'm not gonna be here that long. You put in all that effort to make it to my taste, then I die before I could use it."- he said bitterly.- "I know you told me how much you love me, and you think I'm worth having. Still, what kind of man am I to put you in this spot?"

Isobel had no better idea than to share her deepest feelings, to make him understand, his fears were unnecessary.

"You know when we first got engaged, moving to Cavenham always intimidated me. I like a challenge, and I tried to view becoming a Lady, one of the leaders of the county, as such. I was also confident that I could count on you to guide me as I learned about all those new things. As lovely as I found your house, as much as I would have enjoyed being there with you, especially in the garden, or the library, I'm relieved I don't have to. I honestly prefer staying here and sharing my house with you. It would've been a price I was willing to pay to be with you, but I'm actually glad now, I don't have to. You know I never really enjoyed hosting, especially the kind of parties I should've as the lady of the house. I like that here it can be just the two of us, like right now. It would never be like that over there. I'm glad you don't have to worry about the estate now, it's not your responsibility anymore. I can't be happy while you are unhappy. You can't be content if you think so little of yourself. I don't know many men who have sacrificed this much for a woman, who would give up his estate, a big part of his fortune, and most of all his pride. It's expected from a woman to leave everything behind, which I know from experience is not easy, but not men. You did this for me, for us, to be able to be together in peace. How would that make you unworthy? We want to marry. I want a marriage, as I'm sure you do too, where we share everything. What's mine is yours, and what's yours is also mine. If it helps put your mind at ease, think of the rooms as my gratitude for your sacrifice. My compensation to you, for having to leave behind your home. It would make me feel better if you let me give this to you. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth for having you."- she leaned her head on his shoulder as she finished, hoping with everything in her that it was enough to reassure him, because she had no other idea on how to make him understand.

"How is it that you know all the right words? I will try to stay worthy, my love. Thank you." - he kissed her head. - "I'm the lucky one."

They stayed still for another few moments.

"Tomorrow I will show you the room, and we can start with the necessary steps."

Dickie fought a yawn. Isobel taking it as her cue, started to entangle herself from him.

"It's late and it has been a long day. We have an exciting day ahead of us." - she smiled at him.- "You should rest. I will be in my room. If you need anything, don't hesitate to come, even in the middle of the night. If you're okay with it, I can leave your door and mine open by an inch, so if you shout I can hear it. If I learn that you needed something, and didn't come to me I will be cross with you."

Dickie didn't want her to leave. He wished she could stay in his arms and he could hold her through the night. He has been lonely for so long and now they were alone in a house, but in different rooms. He was tired and sleepy.

He didn't think about how wise it was or not it just slipped out of his mouth:

"I wish you could stay."

Isobel was taken aback for a moment. She wasn't sure about the precise meaning behind his words. She knew she had to be strong, even though it has already proved way more difficult than she thought it would be.

She didn't know what to say. Instead she leaned down, tenderly grabbed his head with both of her hands and planted a kiss on the top of his head.

Letting go, she whispered:

„Goodnight!"

She exited the room, leaving the door ajar.

Before sleep claimed them in their respective rooms and beds, their thoughts were occupied by similar things. They mused on the monumental changes the day has brought and their altered future. Hope and excitement blossomed inside them as they thought of finally organizing their wedding, starting their life together, making the Crawley house their shared home. A small part of fear crept in wondering how long they had together, along with an intensifying longing to be as close to each other as possible both emotionally and physically. Tomorrow they could be with one another again and take action on their plans.

Chapter Text

The next morning Mrs. Crawley woke up early and as she got ready she decided to tackle as much as possible during the day.

Her maid and cook were already there. She could hear the faint noises of their activity downstairs. They have been informed beforehand of the potential new inhabitant of the house. So the breakfast was prepared according to the instructions for two people, with one of them having a special diet to follow.

When Isobel was fully dressed for the day with her hair done, she headed towards Matthew's old room. She slept soundly through the night and never woke to any cry for help from the other room. A momentary panic engulfed her as she thought of the possibility that Lord Merton might have called for her during the night, but she just didn't hear it. The door to his room stood the same way she left it the previous evening. She stopped in front of it and gently knocked. She waited a beat before peaking in. At the same time as her eyes came to the full view of the room she heard his voice from the bed - "Come in!".

When her eyes landed on him as he sat up in his bed, a gentle smile playing on his lips, she relaxed, assured by the sight of his seemingly normal state, and a broad smile broke out on her face.

As she stepped inside, opening the door fully, and walking to his bed, he cheerfully said - "Good morning! I see you're ready for the day.".

"I just finished getting ready." - she waved - "Good morning to you too! I hope you slept well. Did you need anything during the night ?" - she enquired as she stopped at the side of the bed.

"No, nothing at all. I had a good rest."- he said, reassuring her, the smile never leaving his face.

"I was worried that I might not have heard you."

Getting bolder, she allowed her urges to guide her and she grabbed his face and planted a lingering kiss on his head, leaning over the bed, the same way she did, when she bid him good night hours earlier. She stroked his face gently for a moment before letting go.

Dickie savored her touch with his eyes closed.

"May I?" - Isobel asked, indicating the space next to him.

“Suit yourself.” - he said, scooting across, while she lowered herself on the side of the bed.

“How are you feeling?” - she asked, studying his face and checking his temperature with a touch of her hand to his forehead.

“I’m fine.” - he said looking at her seriously, hoping to stop any further questions about his well-being, instead inquiring - “What are your plans for the day?”

“Well, we should have breakfast first, then if you really feel all right and say you can manage alone for a few hours, - at least without me, my maid and cook will be here, they can help you with anything - then I would go by to check on the hospital and discuss my shifts now that you are here. I also plan on consulting more with Dr.Clarkson on how to best care for you. After that I want to see Mr. Travis to try and get a date for our wedding. Then I would make a quick call on Violet and we should think about how to tell our news to the Crawleys. I might look in on you between the visits.”

“I see. You never stop, do you.” - he said with a lopsided smile before he turned serious - “My presence here shouldn’t affect your time at the hospital. I don’t want your life to revolve around me.”

Here we go, thought Isobel, as she realized some things won’t be as simple as they were until now. Although he hasn’t said much, she knew his words were indication of a deeper, broader reservation. She was reminded that they were going to get married and from now on her decisions didn’t only affect her but him too. She knew it would take some time and a little friction to adjust. The kind of relationship she wanted, and the kind of involvement she expected from Dickie to allow her in the decision making process regarding his life, meant the same courtesy from her toward him in reversed instances.

“Look, I enjoy working at the hospital. I’m a volunteer. I’m doing it out of my free will and I can reduce the time I spend there if I want to. It’s something that has kept me busy and feeling useful for years, especially since I have been alone. But I’m not alone anymore and my priorities have changed. I want to spend my time with you foremost. I’m not going to quit, but I want to step back a little for now, at least until we settle everything. I also want to figure out which time frame would work better for us, whether if I was gone during the morning hours, midday, or in the evenings.” - she paused a bit unsure still, how much she could push this sensitive topic with him - “I want to be here if and when you get worse, I personally want to look after you, I want to be incharge of your care. I know you might have reservations about that, you might feel like it would be unfair to me, maybe it’s hard for your pride to accept it, but as I said yesterday I intend to look after you. With you, that’s where I want to be. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up a part of my identity. You know me and know how much caring for others is part of who I am. Then how could you expect me to not prioritize the one person I love the most ?”

Dickie listened to her thoughtfully, and he was struck by her insight into his uncertainty, without having to voice them out loud himself. He found her calm voice as she talked and her outreaching hand stroking his, while she elaborated on her point of view, shooting. He suspected that quite a few discussions awaited them as they were gradually going to figure out how to merge their two separate, independent lives, while maintaining their individuality and sharing themselves with each other simultaneously.

A moment of silence enveloped them before he looked up into Isobel’s eyes and took a big breath in to answer - “You are right, it’s not easy to accept it. I just never want to hold you back. And I’m sure no one could give me better care than you. I apologize if I came across like I wanted to tell you what to do.”

“It’s all right. I know you just want what’s best for me and that you like me for who I am.” - she said, smiling reassuringly at him.

“I’m impressed how you knew my concerns and answered them before I even voiced them. I guess we will have quite a few discussions like this one.”

“Probably.” - she squeezed his hand.

“So what are you aiming for with the date and how would you like to tell the family?”

“I’m hoping for 6-7 weeks from now. That’s okay with you?”

“Of course.”

“About telling them, I don’t know. Would you like to be there? I'm not sure you are up for going over. I certainly don’t want to put you through such extortion right now. We have to think about another way.”

“I agree. I don’t feel like going out and mingling for now. I think the sooner they know it, the better, with such rumors spreading quicker than wildfire. I don’t mind it if you tell them without me, maybe next time when you go to see George.”

“Hmm, we’ll see.” - she stood up - “I’ll go down and see about breakfast.”

It was customary for ladies to eat breakfast in bed, but she preferred eating downstairs at the dining table and found it more efficient, when she was in a hurry. The time flew by quicker then she anticipated it, so instead of sharing her breakfast with him as she had planned, she stuffed down a slice of toast while she brought up his tray to his room.

Placing it before him she said - “Enjoy! If you need me for anything you can telephone me at the hospital. While I’m gone feel free to explore the house, read, sit out in the garden or look into Matthew’s office and think of what you would like to do with it.”.

Dickie grabbed her hand and planted a kiss on it before she turned around and left.

While Mrs. Crawley ran her errands, Lord Merton got acquainted more with his new living space. Despite his uneasiness regarding the subject he did look around the room offered to him and thought about what to do with it. He also chatted with the cook and the maid a little and took a stroll in the garden, when Isobel returned in time for lunch.

She has successfully visited Mr. Travis and Dr. Clarkson.

“So how did it go? “- Dickie asked, when they sat down to eat.

“I managed to talk Mr. Travis into holding our wedding 6 weeks from next Saturday.” - she announced triumphantly. - “And my meetings at the hospital were equally productive.”

They enjoyed their meal in each other’s company, sharing the details of what they have been doing separately. Then Isobel set out on her next round of visits, while Dickie headed up to take a nap.

Isobel went over to Violet to update her and ask for her opinion on when to tell the news to the others, and also for help arranging the wedding. The Dowager suggested she could accompany her to the Abbey for tea, as she was invited, and get the whole thing over with. Isobel phoned her house to let them know she would only return in the late afternoon.

When Lord Merton woke up and wandered downstairs he was given the message. He decided to kill time by contacting his lawyer to arrange some things regarding his handover of the estate to his son, and find out how he could keep some family heirlooms, as well as look after his future wife when she will eventually become his widow.

It also brought his relationship with his sons to the forefront of his mind. He pondered how they got here, what did he do wrong, what the future held for them. It hurt seeing the kind of man they became, in many ways so different from the principals he taught them and emulated for them. As he said he loved them, but however hard he tried, he failed to like them. He didn't want this to be the end of their relationship, but he felt it was up to them now. He was also worried that when he died, his sons wouldn't leave Isobel alone, and they would try to take away everything from her.

Isobel wasn’t exactly sure herself why, but she was very nervous as the car took her towards the big house, and in that moment she wished Dickie was there to assure her as he always did with his mere presence. When they arrived the others were a bit surprised to see her next to Violet, as they weren't expecting her company, but they quickly recovered. When tea was served and the servants had left the room she asked to speak. The dowager sent her an encouraging nod. Knowing that she had at least one person’s, a formidable one’s, support in the room meant a lot.

“Well, as you know Lord Merton has anemia and has been confined in Cavenham since his diagnosis under his son and daughter-in-law’s supervision. With the help of Violet yesterday I took Lord Merton to my house, with the intention of looking after him and becoming his wife. He decided to give Cavenham to Larry. We have a date for our wedding six weeks from now. Of course you are all welcome to attend.”

The others’ surprise only lasted a moment before sympathetic smiles broke out on their faces and congratulated Isobel, also sending well wishes for Dickie. They loved both Lord Merton and Mrs. Crawley dearly, the two of them have been a part of their extended family for a long time. They saw how well suited they were, saw how smitten Richard Grey was, and how advantageous the union could be for Isobel Crawley. They were disappointed, when they learned she broke off the engagement, but understood she had no wish to get closer to Larry and Timothy, and they couldn’t blame her. They haven’t forgotten that faithful dinner, nor the one preceding Matthew and Mary’s wedding. Now they were happy they found a way to be together but the circumstances dampened the joy.

Mary was very happy for her former mother-in-law and her godfather. She wasn’t surprised at all, as she thought back to the moment when she told Lord Merton that Isobel could very well change her mind.

They immediately offered to host the reception and help them in any way. They also expressed their desire to see Dickie whenever he would feel good enough for visitors or if he himself would come and see them.

Isobel thanked their offers and told them she would discuss everything with his Lordship. She promised to report back.

When the conversation moved on from the topic and everyone started chatting in small groups, Mrs. Crawley took the opportunity to ask Robert for a few words in private without arousing any unwanted attention.

She knew eventually if it was viable, Mary and Tom had to be consulted too, however she felt more comfortable asking around from Robert, as he was the closest to her in age, and the one who invited Matthew and her to move here and gave them the Crawley house for life.

Robert closed the door behind them.

“You know Dickie is my old friend, I’m very happy for the two of you, I just wish he would be healthy!”

“Thank you! I will let him know. It’s nice to know there are people who are happy for us and support us. You have been so good to me through the years. And you can imagine how much I wish the same.”

“I have to admit I admire him for leaving his home behind, I’m not sure if I could do it. The two of you are sure there’s no other way to solve this issue?”

“Well, considering everything this is the best possible outcome. It was his own choice to give Cavenham over, but I know it’s not easy for him. And actually what I wanted to ask relates to this.”

“Go on.”

“If I am correct the Crawley house is mine now and when I die George will inherit it. Just as you said it is not easy to give up the home you grew up in and to move into a much smaller place. And it’s hard for Dickie that he is in my house, that as a man he feels he should provide for me and elevate my circumstances, and instead he feels like an intruder in my home. And I thought if it’s possible could he be added as the owner, next to my name, and if something happened and I die before him, that he could keep it while he is alive, with the condition that after his passing it will still be George, who gets it. Is that possible at all? I know it's yours really and you’ve been very generous to give it to me, and I’m not sure if it’s something you would approve of, I don’t want to offend you. Do you think it would mean something to him?”

There were a few moments of silence. At first it was all so unusual, so untraditional, so unfathomable and so modern an idea for Robert. His thinking has definitely eased in the past few years, thanks to Mary’s inheritance and the younger generation’s involvement, but he needed a second to wrap his head around the situation and what Isobel has come up with herself, hoping to make her future husband feel better in their circumstances. After all, Downton was once saved by his own wife’s money and knowing Cora, her heart and the way she loved, he could imagine her doing something similar if they ever had been in an akin position. He saw it as a very touching symbolic gesture and as a proof of the depth of Isobel’s devotion to Dickie, which surprised him a little.

“This is an odd situation for sure. If I was in his position it would mean a lot to me. It’s a beautiful gesture to show how you feel about him regardless of the circumstances. I will talk to our family lawyer but I don’t see any obstacles against making the change when you get married, but I think we should inform Mary and Tom about it.”

“I agree, I just wasn't sure if it was possible at all and how would you all feel about it. I saw it best to ask you first.”

“Then I will talk to them too and if it’s confirmed by them and the lawyer, I will get back to you.”

“Thank you so much. I just have one request, that you keep it a secret as well as the others. I want it to be a surprise.”

“You can count on my discretion.”

They returned to the company, and not long after Isobel and Violet were on their way home. Isobel couldn't help but wonder if Dickie was all right. She felt guilty for spending the big part of the day away from him. She was tired and looked forward to unwinding with her soon to be husband, the thought warming her heart.

She arrived home in time for dinner. After taking off her clothes and checking on her servants she started off in search of Lord Merton. She found him with his eyes closed, an open book on his lap in the sitting room. When she stepped in the room she saw his eyes pop open and a smile breaking out on his face when his eyes looked into hers.

Her heart leaped at the eye contact. It was wonderful to come home to his company.

“Did I wake you?” - she asked, in a gentle tone as she approached him.

“No, I was just resting my eyes and got lost in my head. That’s why I didn't hear you’ve arrived. How did it go?”- he asked, while she sat down next to him in an empty chair.

“It went smoothly. They are very happy for us and send their congratulations. Also they wanted me to tell you that they would like to see you, whenever you feel like going over or receiving them here. They also offered to host the reception and help in any way we want. I told them I would discuss it with you, then get back to them.”

“They are too kind.”

“Yes. What have you been up to while I have been gone?”

“Oh, well.” - he paused and a shadow crossed over his face, immediately alerting his fiance. - “I slept, talked to my lawyer about things regarding Cavenham, then I tried to read.”

“Are your eyes giving you trouble?” - she asked, concerned.

“No, I’m just a little tired and I couldn't concentrate.”

She knew something weighed heavily on his mind but she wasn't sure it was the right moment to prie, so she decided to ask about it after dinner.

“Come, have dinner!” - she invited him, standing up and leaning over to give him a kiss on his cheek.

Though she has been comfortable around him, spent quite some time alone in his company and accepted his occasional touches during their first engagement, she hasn’t experienced the strong physical longing in her, she felt now, to be near him and touch him. She found it a little scary how quickly she was getting used to sharing her life again with someone, when it’s only been a day. How swiftly she felt all of her guards coming down in his company.

She was confident in her identity and in his love for her. She knew she could trust him absolutely. That he wanted the best for her. She has been aware for a long time of how highly she regarded him, how much she enjoyed his company, and that she cared about him. But she wasn't aware of the depths of her feelings for him until she finally admitted to herself that she was in love with him. She tried so hard to protect herself, she hasn't realized how much he has gotten under her defenses. They have built a strong bond of friendship on mutual respect and trust, through the hours they spent together having intellectual conversations since the beginning of their acquaintance.

Thoughts of a physical relationship between them nagged at her, as she discovered her increasing desires and wondered what he wanted when he first asked for her hand in marriage. What about now that he was ill? In some moments she was sure he wanted her the same way far longer than she had him, in other moments she thought he only wanted a platonic relationship. When she thought of the few times he grabbed her hand, squeezed it, or kissed it, it was always passionate. When she thought of his proposal declaring he wasn’t talking out of loneliness, not looking for companionship, but his motivation being of love and romantic nature. If he wanted more, why did he never try to go further, why hasn't he kissed her yet, why has he been so gallant at all times?

She forced these thoughts deep down to the back of her mind. She was still confused about her own feelings regarding the subject and it seemed too risky to bring it up, at least for now.

The dinner went by them thoroughly discussing the details of their wedding plan, whether to accept the offer, approximately how many people, and who to invite, the reception form, the time frame. They enjoyed the back and forth, sharing their ideas with each other, thinking together, and working out their agreements.

After they finished eating Isobel seized the moment and asked Dickie what had been on his mind this evening.

She gently stroked his cheek, as she started “I noticed something has been weighing on you, tell me what it is!”

“I don't want to trouble you!”

“I don't know how many times I will have to tell you this, but I care about you. Which means I want to share in the good and bad. Maybe I could help, or at least make you feel like you are not alone.”

“All right, I just never want to hurt your feelings.”- he looked at her with a sad smile before laying it all out - “I told you I talked to my lawyer and anyways too, I can’t stop thinking about my sons.”

A sharp fear immediately gripped Isobel, thinking that he might have regretted his decision to come here and be with her.

Dickie noticed the change in her and wanted to assure her.

“I said I don't want to hurt your feelings because I don’t want you to think for a moment that you have done anything wrong, or that I changed my mind about you.”

Isobel calmed immediately and she amusedly realized she wasn't the only one seeing into the other’s mind, he knew her very well too.

“When I think about how they treated you, my blood boils, and I get upset. It pains me to know they have hurt you. It pains me to know they are capable of such behavior. It pains me to see the kind of people they have become. I still love and care about them so much. I wish they were better people. It’s not what I have taught them, it’s not what I have shown them. Something, somewhere must have gone wrong. I don't know what and where. Whether it can be fixed. I don't want this to be the end of my relationship with them, but if they don’t change I cannot allow them near you. I know I can’t change for them, they have to change themselves. Yet I’m responsible for how they have turned out. They are my sons. I don’t know what to do.”

Isobel’s heart was constricted for him.

“You know we were ill suited with Ada. We tried to shield them from our unhappiness.

We didn't exactly have the same values. As their mother she spent more time with them when they were little and always had a bigger influence on them. She cannot be blamed alone for how they turned out. Maybe I should have been more involved in their upbringing from the beginning. After Ada died I thought maybe I could stir them in the right direction better, but no such luck. Maybe I should’ve stood up stronger whenever they did something wrong, but I loved them and I was afraid of being too harsh, making them feel like I didn't love them. I know I have been naive. It’s still hard to fathom their actions. They are my sons and they would be the ones I would want most by my side when I became your husband, but it can’t be. I might not have a long time left and this is not the way I want to leave things with them. I hope you can understand why I still care about them. But I want you to know that I love you more than anyone, and I will do everything in my power to keep my sons from hurting you in any way ever again. ”

This was the exact reason why she broke off their engagement. She didn't want to get between father and his sons, didn't want to live and deal with the venom of the two young men. She respected Dickie’s relationship with his sons, regardless of their behavior, that’s why she didn't want him to have to choose sides, to fracture that important father-son relationship, especially as the boys no longer had their mother, just as her son, Matthew lost his own father too soon.

Since then she realized that it wasn't her causing problems, her appearance just showed the symptoms. Even though she had a suspicion that his sons didn't treat him the way they should have, she respected them as his sons and didn't want to say anything negative about them, and she felt it wasn't her place. When she had seen the evidence of their selfishness and realized she loved him, she knew it wasn't about damaging father-son relationships, but about loving and caring for Dickie the way he deserved.

“I always understood and respected the importance of your relationship with them. I know you love them even now, and I don't think ill of you because of that, on the contrary, it shows what a wonderful father you are. Whatever you decide to do with them, know that I support you. My heart aches for you. I wish I could make it alright for your sake. Whenever they trouble you, you can share it with me.” - she said looking into his eyes, watching the emotions playing on his face.

It meant the world for Dickie to hear those words. It was a balm to his soul, to know he had her full support.

Isobel stood up and extended her hands to help Lord Merton up. The staff has gone for the night, it was just the two of them now. When he straightened up she stepped closer and they held onto each other in a tight embrace. Minutes passed by before they let go and headed upstairs to their respective rooms to have a good night’s rest before facing a new day together.

Chapter Text

The days passed quicker then they thought they would, turning into weeks since they have been living under one roof.

Mrs. Crawley was at the hospital a few times a week. Ever since setting the date she has been busy with preparations for their wedding. She kept in touch with Violet and the other Crawleys, accepting their offered help in organizing the nuptials. She expertly looked after Lord Merton and she thought he looked better with each passing day.

Dickie took part in everything he could, shouldering the wedding planning responsibilities and overseeing the renovation of Matthew's old office into his sanctuary. He went to Cavenham once, while Isobel was at the hospital, and brought with himself everything he wanted to keep personally. He rested a lot and occasionally had a few visitors, including his old friend Robert and goddaughter Mary. He still tired easily but he almost immediately felt better under Isobel's care. He even started putting back on some of the weight he recently lost.  

They spent their free time together and they enjoyed every minute of it. They wondered at how quickly they got used to sharing their life with each other and how easy it was to fall into a routine. They decided together on everything regarding the wedding. They often talked about serious topics, their interests and the people in their lives, as well as sat side by side enjoying the comfortable silence and each other’s company. They spent time in the garden daily, both walking around and sitting at the table with two chairs facing the flower bed, taking in the sight and fresh air.

Mrs. Crawley finally opened herself to the love and care Richard Grey has been wishing to provide her with for a long time. It was wonderful to have someone once again, following a decade of widowhood and years of living without her only child, with whom she could share her everyday life, someone she could always count on to be there for her at the end of the day and anytime she needed someone to lean on. For so long she felt like she always had to be strong and even though the Crawleys extended their support for her, she felt for years, since Reginald's death, that she didn't have anyone she could fully rely on. Now she felt she could let go sometimes, because someone consistently had her back. Dickie was such a constant, firm, attentive presence.

For Lord Merton, finally being with Isobel proved to be everything he had been dreaming about and more. Experiencing for the first time in his life what it felt like to be loved back in the same way by the same person he was in love with and being tenderly cared for, brought him immeasurable happiness.

Everything possible has been arranged for the wedding in three weeks and there were only three more left before the big day. They have sent out their invitations to everyone, including Rose and Atticus in America. They have chosen the menu, the flowers, the programmes.

When the future Lady Merton thought about the dress she should wear, she untraditionally asked her future husband's opinion on it, wanting to please him. He said he would find her beautiful in everything, which made her blush, being the very first time he said such a thing to her. The abashment appearing on her face made her even more endearing, Richard Grey thought. He complimented her appearance before, but never with those exact words. He told her he would want her to choose something she would like and feel good in. So Isobel settled on ordering a simple white dropped waist ankle length silk dress, hoping to impress him.

It was the second day they didn't have any arrangements or appointments to make for the time being and they've been sitting outside, having tea, when following some silence Dickie asked Isobel a question he has long been curious about.

Though they have grown even closer since living together, there were still a few subjects that have occupied their individual thoughts for some time but neither of them dared yet to bring them up during their conversations until now.

He cleared his throat and looked at her waiting until she lifted her head and their eyes met.

"I have wondered about this for a long time, if you don't want to talk about it's fine, I understand, it happened before we even knew about each other so it's none of my business, but still it has been a very significant part of your life and I know so little about it."

Isobel wasn't sure yet what his point was so her heartbeat fastened.

"Would you mind telling me about your late husband, Reginald? I would like to know more about him, and what marriage was like for you. You have told me that you’ve loved him and you were happy. You didn't think you would experience something like that again."

It wasn't a topic she explicitly wanted to avoid or not share with him, but it did feel odd to discuss something like this with him, her next husband, when she mostly grieved alone in the past 10 years and kept her pain and longing to herself as it was never really a topic of conversation in society. However she understood the curiosity, she herself had been wondering about his own marriage.

"I think you have a right to know. It was a very significant part of my life. It's not that I don't like talking about it and him, it just feels strange, especially with you, I spent all these years keeping it to myself. I hope after I tell you about him, you will tell me more about Ada and your marriage."

"That's fair. So?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Well, describe to me what he was like as a person and as a husband to you! How did you meet and decide to marry him? How did he die and how did you cope with it, if it's not too insensitive to ask? " - he paused thinking about asking the big question. He hesitantly asked in a gentle lowered voice - "How did you fall in love with him and what does he mean to you now?".

His cautiousness touched her heart and reminded her that she was talking to the man she could tell anything to.

"Well, it was such a long time ago, we were very very young."- she answered, looking ahead with a wistful expression on her face.

Dickie was conflicted. For her shake he was glad it was a wonderful experience for her, that she was part of a mutual love. On the other hand it made him feel inadequate, that he had to live up to some unknown standard. The thought that she was once someone else’s, completely, her mind, body and soul, and probably still held positive feelings for him even though he wasn't here, was a tough thing to comprehend.

She turned back to her fiancee and noticed the frown on his face, having a hunch where this was heading.

"We loved each other equally. Just because he died, my memories with him, my feelings for him haven't. He has been gone for more than ten years, of course the intensity has lessened, but sometimes, not often, only occasionally, I still think about him and miss him, wishing he was here, that I could have a chat with him or he would hold me like he used to.”- she admitted honestly and continued - “But he is not here and I haven’t been in a relationship with him, or anyone, for a decade.”

Dickie’s face was still troubled.

She supposed she would have the same concerns and questions in his position. She was lucky, if such a thing could be said, that she didn’t have to fight with the shadow of his first wife in the same way, as she was aware of the fact that it wasn’t a happy union. She wanted him to know it was okay, that she understood him and they could talk about it.

“Are you worried that I’m going to compare you to him and you would fall short, that you’re just a replacement?”- she asked softly.

Dickie, his mind full of racing thoughts about the topic, looked at her and quietly replied- “Yeah, you could say that.”.

Isobel reached out her hand over the table and Dickie took it.

"There's no contest. He has my past, you have my present and my future. If that's what you are asking. Reginald was a very decent, smart man who cared for others and for me and Matthew always. He was forward thinking. He was a brilliant doctor. He supported me in becoming a nurse, which was even more frowned upon at the time. He was strong yet tender and even though he worked a lot and studied a lot, I always knew he loved us. I could never be married to someone who wasn't like that. I still remember how I felt when he asked me to marry him. I physically felt sick with love. But he is not here. I honestly don’t know had he lived, what would the war or losing Matthew had done to him. A lot of time has passed and I have been affected by a lot of things since being his wife. I’m not the exact same person today. I’m lucky, it was a youthful love that lasted. I still feel love for him and that will never change, and my memories with him won’t go away either, but I don’t have a present or a future with him. I love you and nothing can touch that, just as I loved him and nothing can touch that either. There's no comparison. You don't have to be better than him, you just have to be you and that's the best for me. The two of you definitely share some characteristics, but that’s because I couldn’t be with, or love someone who didn't have those qualities. I love you and who you are. You are your own person. You're not Reginald, or any sort of extension or version of him in my mind. He is a part of me, part of my history, but my whole heart belongs to you now.” - she finished searching for his eyes and squeezing his hand.

“Alright.”- he said, lifting his gaze to meet hers and planting a kiss on her hand after squeezing it back.

He was satisfied with her answer for now. He didn't want to push her. He thought maybe with time she would be ready to tell him a story from her earlier life every now and then.

“What about you and Ada?”- she asked, studying his face.

“What do you want to know? I have told you we were wretched.”

“Why did you get married then? Was it always terrible? Was there anyone else?” - she inquired, the last question being her main point of concern.

“It was a long time ago and even though I guess more and more marriages are based on love nowadays, it wasn't like that back in our day, especially in our class, the emphasis was on other things, like money and status. I was very young and I was influenced by my parents, they never talked about real love, only about duty and the importance of appearance and persevering our place in society and choosing someone suitable to marry, and bear your heirs. I figured things out later in life for myself, when it was too late in some aspects. It was an advantageous match for the both of us in terms of social status and money. There was infatuation too. I mean from the few appropriate choices in my family’s circle I found her good looking and we got on fine at social occasions. We weren't really encouraged to get to know each other very well before the wedding. I wasn't aware of the fundamental differences between us at the time, but not long after the cracks began to show. As a young man I was looking forward to what most men want, and being excited that it would mean I could have it almost anytime I wanted it. Other things didn’t seem as important. I regret that and to this day I’m paying for the consequences. It started out alright I guess, but after Larry was born our incompatibility started to show, her true personality and values emerged, things got even worse when Timothy was just a baby. At the time I started to realize what marriage really entailed and how we should try to make it work. I attempted to get to know her better, find some connection and improve our relationship, but I was unsuccessful, and from then on we became increasingly separated. The only thing that binded us, was our boys and our place in society. Everything got worse with time and it’s painful how much my sons take after their mother in every possible way.”

“Do you have any good memories with her?”

“Well at the beginning we had a few carefree moments. She did have some good qualities, but we didn’t bring out the best in each other. I’m aware of my responsibility, and the part I played in it. I tried hard to shield the boys from how unhappy we were.”

“Did you ever have a mistress?”- she blurted out, mortifying herself by her own inappropriateness.

Dickie was taken aback and his eyes widened.

“No.” - he replied and after a few seconds of silence he asked- “Why would you ask such a thing?”

Isobel thought there was no turning back now, she wanted to know. She knew he loved her for her boldness, but maybe not so much after this.

“Well it’s acceptable for a man of your status to have lovers even if he loves his wife, and more so if they are miserable. You yourself said you were only thinking about what every man thinks about when you got married and you just said that not long after Timothy’s birth your relationship was only reduced to being parents and the leaders of the county. I assume you didn’t have much relations after that with Ada.” - as much as she thought herself a progressive, she still felt uncomfortable as such things were never openly talked about.

She knew she didn't have any right to invade Dickie’s life with Ada, but she wanted to know how he thought about these kinds of things and what she should expect from him. Though he came across as a serious and loyal man, she couldn’t be sure until she heard from himself on the topic. Though she couldn’t imagine him doing such a thing, she had to know if he had a mistress or if he intended to keep one.

“We are getting married and I just want to know what to expect.”- she added nervously.

Lord Merton was stunned, for some reason he never expected to have a conversation like this, especially not with his future bride, but her questions made sense thanks to the society they lived in. Naturally she would want to know, and he couldn’t blame her.

“I never had a mistress. I always found it hypocritical that our society allows, even encourages men to have lovers regardless if they are married, but shuns any woman who engages in such things. I didn’t want to sneak around in my own house or show that kind of behavior to my sons, nor did I find it in accordance with my vows or values, no matter how bad things got between us with Ada.”

“You really mean that you haven’t been with anyone since you married Ada?”- she asked in disbelief.

“This is a very scandalous conversation and I’m not feeling very comfortable right now, but yes. We occasionally shared a bed with Ada even after we were practically estranged. I didn’t see any point in engaging with someone else if I didn’t love them. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone, and if it got out it would’ve been terribly unfair on any woman. It’s simply something I personally could never get behind, something that's against my principles. What I really missed next to Ada was real, honest, deep love and affection with intellectual connection. Physical pleasure is just that, and indulging in it has far greater risks and consequences, if it’s not conducted safely.”

“When you first proposed, what kind of relationship did you envision with me as your wife?”

“What do you mean? I have told you in my proposal… Oh, are you asking if I thought about sharing a bed with you?” - he asked, bewildered, his eyes widening.

“Yes”- Isobel answered quietly, neither of them daring to look into the other’s direction.

“Of course, marriage means that, and being in love with someone makes you want to be as close to them as possible.”- he didn’t understand why she would doubt that, he thought it was all clear when he asked her to marry him and she accepted after thinking it through.

“What about now?”- she choked out.

“What do you mean?”- he asked, confused, feeling like he has completely lost the thread of the conversation.

“Do you still want the same? Do you feel up to it with your illness?”

He finally comprehended what she was getting at. If it was possible, his heart started beating even faster, despite his already nervous state thanks to the topic of discussion. Now worry appeared in him, that she might be trying to tell him that she didn’t want him that way.

“Yes. I mean I have less energy but it would be nice to … you know … but if you didn’t want to, holding you is enough for me. My illness is not infectious, it’s not transmittable, the activity doesn’t put me at any risk. Isobel, what do you want? You can tell me anything. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want. I just assumed when you said yes to me you considered everything and you never mentioned your reservation…” - he stammered.

Isobel interrupted him.

“No no no, I’m not saying I don’t want it. I just wanted to know what you wanted, because at times it seemed to me that you didn’t and other times that you did, but it seems we are on the same page. Though I don’t know how my body could please you.”

“What do you mean at times it seemed to you I didn’t want it? And how could you say that? I have told you, in my opinion you’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, truly from the inside and outside and being with you in any way gives me joy.”

“Well we have been living together for three weeks and even during our first engagement you never tried to… uh… you never… you were always a gentleman…you haven’t even tried to give me a real kiss or touch me in ways…but then whenever you do touch me there’s so much passion and tenderness in it …I don’t know what to think…I’m confused … I thought that maybe you are not attracted to me…”

“Isobel”- he said firmly - ”Look at me. I want you! I have been dreaming about having you ever since falling in love with you. Haven’t it occurred to you that I might have a hard time restraining myself? I respect you so much, I would never want to do anything to you that you don’t want, that might cause you trouble. I can’t wait for you to be my wife and for us to become one. I want us to be able to share everything with each other without any reservations.” - while he talked, he reached out over the table and gently touched her cheeks, making her lift her eyes to look into his, and see the sincerity in them, then he drew back his hands from her face dropping it on the table waiting for her to take it and she did - “Knowing you, I assumed you would want the same kind of marriage, but I guess we should talk about it now and make clear our expectations and figure out a guideline together, because it seems that it's not as simple as I thought.”

Isobel always held the belief that as long as equality was not a reality, to whom much is given much is required. She thought that those who had money and education should be expected to hold themselves to the highest moral standards. Simultaniously she always had compassion for the less fortunate and even if someone has fallen short, she never agreed with the social norm to outcast those without second chances, especially if their circumstances contributed to their failing or they have demonstrated that they have learned from their mistakes. Fidelity was one of the most important principles for her. She hated the way society held a double standard between men and women regarding fidelity and physical relations. She was baffled by the lack of education for girls about their own bodies and society norms of viewing women’s pleasure secondary. She saw it best that physical relations should only be had by people married to each other for several reasons. To minimize the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, for the safety and protection of women and children and their livelihood, and because of the sacredness, intimacy of the act in her opinion going beyond the physical pleasure, requiring fidelity. She also believed marriage should be based on mutual respect and preferably some form of love, entered by free will more than anything, where the spouses were two equals. She believed that every person should have the same rights and opportunities, that women should be able to choose to do whatever they would want to do, if and who to marry, if and what to work etc. She hated the practice of having a mistress. She thought of it as a symptom of the illness of the society. She always understood that because not everyone had the freedom to choose, the matters of the heart, money or power, could lead people to cheating or immorality. What she felt now for Dickie made her understand more how someone educated, rich and otherwise virtuous person, despite knowing better, could succumb to immorality. The longing and the need she felt to be as close as possible to Dickie overwhelmed her to the point that she was sure if he had propositioned her she wouldn't have been able to say no to him, because she wanted him so much. Those three weeks couldn't pass quickly enough, she thought.

“What do you mean? I do want to share everything with you!”- she replied.

“You do? I mean I don't want any barriers between us. I want there to be no topic that we can't discuss. I want us to be completely open with each other, to be able to talk about anything and everything, just like now, even about the things society deems inappropriate. I want us not to have to hide anything from each other. I want us to be as close as possible, for our souls, minds and bodies to meet. I want us to be equals, to be a team, and face everything together. What is now mine will be yours too and what is yours now will be mine too. Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, yes I’m sure that’s what I want too in every aspect of our lives.” - she said standing up and walking over to him and drawing his head to her midsection, dropping a kiss in his hair.

It wasn’t always easy to say out loud their thoughts, fears, hopes on such personal matters. They felt another invisible wall has been knocked down between them on their journey of learning about each other even more and merging their lives from two to one. Their confidence and security in their relationship constantly increasing, their anticipation of tying their lives together officially in front of God, friends and family relentlessly heightened with it.

Chapter Text

Two days before the wedding Lord Merton and Mrs. Crawley spent their last evening together alone at the Crawley house as an unmarried couple.

Everything was set and taken care of for the big day. Luckily all the preparations have gone smoothly. It was never going to be a grand affair but rather a more intimate family celebration, an informal party. With the Crawley family and household's help, there wasn't much for them to actually do, only choosing what they would want from the options about the flowers, the food etc and they have done that weeks ago.

In the six short weeks since he has been living in the Crawley house and their plans to marry were back on, they have already established their own routine. His condition continuously improved. They've gotten even closer and gotten to know each other on a deeper level. They have overcome quite a few barriers having had important conversations, talking about their past, their future and their wishes.

Despite his reservations and uneasiness of imposing, Richard Grey felt at home almost immediately. By now Matthew's old room has been redecorated and he began to fill it with books and use it mostly when Isobel was out of the house, usually at the hospital. He had his own personal space as well as all his belongings he needed. Though occasionally the doubt about being with him hurting Isobel reared its ugly head, their previous discussions and her behavior always reassured him and wrestled those thoughts back.

Meanwhile Isobel relished the thought of Dickie waiting for her at home each time she left the house and returned. She enjoyed sharing the small and mundane parts of everyday life with him. She started to tell him about everything she was involved with in the hospital and the personal stories of patients she came into contact with after each of her shifts.

Medicine has always been something they’ve bonded over. Dickie has been involved with the hospital board. He once held aspirations to become a doctor himself, so he was always genuinely interested to hear what she had to say and would often ask follow-up questions about the patients.

Isobel was satisfied with Dickie’s improvment. Her suspicion that she could take better care of him than his own family proved to be true. Since taking him in, his condition didn’t only not get worse but actually slowly got better. A part of her always questioned the London doctor’s diagnosis and seeing his lack of deterioration gave her even more hope that somehow they would have more time together with him in relatively great form.

They have talked about a million things. As the wedding day got closer and their anticipation grew, they often expressed their excitement to each other about the moment they would finally become husband and wife.

They decided that in keeping with the tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other the evening before the nuptials, Isobel would stay with Violet at the Dowager house, while Dickie would stay with the Crawleys at the Abbey.

At first Mrs. Crawley planned on staying alone in her house, but Violet persuaded her to come over and offered her maids help in getting her ready for the ceremony. As an independent individual she was initially reluctant, she managed every day without a maid, but she did want to look her best on the special day for her and for Dickie. She also realized that as much as she didn’t want it to change, it was inevitable that she would see less of Cousin Violet as a once again married woman and spending her last evening with her would be a special way to show her appreciation for her support, especially regarding her relationship with Lord Merton. In so many ways Violet has been her partner through her years of widowhood and losing her only child.

On their last evening after supper they were resting on the settee in the sitting room, Isobel leaning against Richard Grey, when she perceived his thoughts were far away.

“What is it Dickie?” - she asked, changing position to be able to continuously look in his eyes.

He sighed.

“I was just thinking about my sons. It will be a perfect day except for this one small detail. I wish they would behave in a way that I could have them at our wedding.”

Isobel’s heart ached for him. She took his hand and stroked it with her thumb. She understood how he felt and she wanted to do everything in her power to ease his pain.

“It’s going to be one of the most and maybe the last important days of my life, and my sons won’t be there. I know it’s for the best in these circumstances. I wouldn't risk them spoiling our day. Still it’s not what I wanted.” - he finished, looking into her eyes deeply.

“I know, darling. I understand and I wish so much for your sake that we would’ve been able to invite them. I hope one day they will learn and grow from their mistakes.”

“I hope I get over this soon. I don't want to ruin the mood. It’s going to be a dream come true for me no matter what as long as I get to be your husband.”

Dickie lifted their clasped hands and planted a kiss on her knuckles.

“It’s natural that you are saddened by this, that it puts a damper on the day for you.”

“How is the little girl you’ve been telling me about doing?” - he asked, changing the subject abruptly.

Isobel knew he didn't want to dwell, he just needed her to listen as he let out his feelings and he was ready to focus on other things.

“She is doing much better, she was sent home the other day actually. I don't know how I forgot to tell you.” - she said, a smile taking over her face at the mention of the sweet little patient.

“I’m glad to hear that.”- he reciprocated her smile.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence Lord Merton heard his fiance chuckle.

“What is it, dear?” - he inquired, curiously.

“I just thought about how strange it will be to spend the evening away from you and not see you until we get to the church. It will be the longest time we’ve been apart since I brought you here. It’s crazy how slowly and quickly it came at the same time.”

“I agree. It’s only two more nights and you’re going to be Lady Merton!” - he said, excitement lighting him up - “What will you get up to with Violet?” - he asked amusedly.

“I’m not sure. I don't know if she has anything on her mind. We are just two old ladies, I don't think anything notable is going to happen. I have only spent the night at her house when she was sick once and I stayed with her during the night as she had a high fever. When she felt better one evening we played cards.”-she paused before asking with a frown and a distrusting tone- “Why? What are you planning on doing with Robert? I don't think you should stay up late, you need rest, Saturday will be exhausting in itself.”

“Don't worry, I haven't planned on anything, and I’m going to rest. I’m going to run mad with nerves before three o’clock, there will be nothing to do until after lunch. Sleeping late would be a good idea.”

Silence enveloped them again for a few minutes.

“What do you think will be different when we are married?”- she asked pensively.

“Well apart from the obvious?”- he asked, looking at her smiling with one eyebrow raised.

“What?”- she asked momentarily confused before catching on - “Ohh, of course.”

She swatted his arm, returning his smile.

“Well would you want something to change?”- he asked back.

The question made her think for a minute before she answered. A thought came to her mind, immediately making her nervous to bring it up, but she has gotten more used to talking about such topics in the past few weeks, so she went for it.

“Would you like to move into my room?” - she asked.

It wasn’t something Lord Merton expected. He was surprised that he hadn't thought about it before.

“You mean sleep in your bed every night?”

“Yes.”

His silence and his obvious taken back reaction increased her fear that he might not like the idea.

“What about when I would get worse and I might not be able to sleep through the night or I would spend the majority of the day in bed, eventually not being able to get up?”

“I would love to have you near me. But we can always revise and if you would be more comfortable you can stay in your room. I feel I could look after you better if you were next to me though.”

“Well I haven’t thought about this before, I’m not sure why. I would like it and it’s a good idea to revisit it in case either of us changes their mind about it when I will deteriorate.”

“Then it’s settled.” - she beamed at him.

Dickie put his arm around her and drew her back against his body, kissing her forehead.

“So what else do you think will change or what would you want to change?” - she returned to her original question.

“I guess it will be different in how the world sees us, we will finally belong together in others eyes too. I guess we will see. I think we have already gotten so much closer, but our bond will deepen even more and expand to all aspects of our being. Any other thing that should change in your opinion?”

“I don’t know. Well this is not exactly related to this, but I hope your health changes. I know rationally what your diagnosis is and I would never want to give you false hope, but as long as you are alive I will be hoping you will somehow recover or at least stay here with me for years to come.”

Dickie tightened his arm around her as tears gathered in his eyes. Her words made him feel overwhelmed by her love for him and mourn the fact that it would probably never happen.

Lost in their thoughts, he suddenly remembered that he had been planning to give her something, which would automatically become hers as the new Lady Merton. However, by breaking with his sons, it became questionable. In the end he had successfully taken care of it and thought now would be the best to get it over with.

He jumped from his seat.

“I will be back in a moment, don’t go away, I want to show you something.”

He left behind a confused Isobel. She wondered what it was about. He soon appeared with a wooden case.

“I know things don’t mean much to you, but I wanted you to have these. It would be yours without question when you become Lady Merton, if not for my sons.”

Isobel still wasn't sure what he was talking about, but he sat the case down in front of her and opened it. She realized it was a jewelry box.

“These are family heirlooms. There would be more, but I left the rest of it to the boys. These are just some of the ones I found the most beautiful and thought even though you are not fazed by such things that you might find them nice too. Also these were owned by my mother and hold a special meaning for me, because of that.” - he stammered trying to explain it earnestly, and hoping she would like them even if she wouldn't really use them.

She looked inside the box. It had several compartments. Though she rarely wore such expensive and special jewelry, she could appreciate the sight of it.

“As the wife of a baron it really is a given, even if you won't use it. I know this isn’t something you’ve been longing to have, but it is meaningful to me and I want to trust you with it. It is rather a selfish gift. I made sure that these belong to you personally, which means even when I’m gone it will be your possession, and no one, not even my sons can take it away from you. And if something happened, which I pray won’t, you can sell them and use the money for whatever you needed.” - he kept rumbling on nervously.

As she listened to him, she also inspected the few pieces of necklaces, bracelets, rings, and brooches in front of her. She had to admit they were exquisite and tasteful. She never held any interest in jewelry and never dreamed about having such pieces, but she had to admit it wasn't a bad thing. She could imagine herself wearing some of them if the occasion called for it. She also recognized the meaning behind him giving it to her.

“Thank you. They are truly magnificent. You know me well and you are right, I never longed to possess such things and I generally don’t give that much value to material things. However I don't think this is selfish. I know it’s a way you feel you can take care of me. As you said it holds sentimental value to you, so you are trusting me with something important to you, and that too, just shows your love for me. You do have good taste and eyes, I do like these pieces. If I had to choose myself from anywhere, I would definitely pick similar things. ”- she smiled at him reassuringly.

“You can tell me if you find them hideous, if this makes you uncomfortable rather than cherished. We can bury it in the back of some chest of drawers, where you would only have to access it if there was an emergency.”

She put her hand on his knee and caught his eyes.

“I truly appreciate it, Dickie. Cherished is a good word for how you make me feel. When it means so much to you how could it be meaningless to me? Would you like to tell me about each of them?”

“Like what I know about them? How they got into our family and what they are made of and such? “

“Yes. I would like to know.”

So he started telling her about each piece as they admired them together. She was surprised to learn some of the stories behind them. One of it was an anniversary present from his father to his mother, one has been passed down generations, another one was a gift by Dickie to his own mother, a different one was tied to a dear childhood memory of his. There was only one, though the largest, compartment left unopened. It contained the Grey family tiara.

“Wow, this is gorgeous.” - Isobel gasped - “But I can’t think of any occasion where I should wear it.”

“Well, we will see. You never know.”

“I think I’m going to use them. Thank you, really. You are so thoughtful.” - she said, kissing his cheek - “We can take it upstairs into my room!”

“Are you ready to retire?”

“Yes. Come on.”- she stood up and held out her hand.

“Sorry.” - Dickie murmured as he didn’t take her hand, so he could carry the box to her room.

“When did you sneak it in? You are a good secret keeper.”

“It wasn’t difficult, you weren’t here when I came home from Cavenhem.”

Isobel’s heart warmed at hearing him refer to her house as his home.

“So you feel like this is your home too now?”- she asked in a hopeful voice as they walked up the stairs.

“I guess I do, as long as you are here with me.” - he said, stopping in front of her door, waiting for her to open it.

Her heart started beating faster at his words.

They stepped inside and Isobel lit the room.

“Where shall I put it?”- Lord Merton inquired, holding the box.

“You can put it on my dressing table for now.”

He carefully deposited it to where she pointed. When he straightened up, he noticed her staring at him in an unreadable way. His heartbeat quickened too. He felt it beat in his chest, in his stomach, in his throat. They could hardly contain their feelings.

“Come here.” - he breathed out, reaching out his hand.

She was in his embrace in an instant wrapping herself around his lean body as he enveloped her in his arms. She pressed her forehead against his cheek, each of them feeling the other’s heart hammering.

They stood there holding each other for a long time before Lord Merton whispered - “Only two more nights.” - and planted a kiss on her forehead.

He leaned away just enough to be able to look into her eyes. Isobel met his stare. When she noticed his eyes dropping to her lips repeatedly, she started to feel dizzy. She has been longing for him to kiss her and she waited for his next move with baited breath. Dickie had dreamed of it longer, but was afraid he would lose control if he did. Finally he brushed his lips against hers, but he only dared to do so briefly before pulling back.

“Goodnight.” - he whispered and moved to disappear, but Isobel regained her senses enough to grab his face with both of her hands and gently pull him back.

This time she was the one pressing her lips against his for a few seconds.

They have done almost nothing, but both of them were breathless.

“Goodnight.”- she whispered back, before letting him go for the night, but only for the night.

Saturday three o’clock couldn't come soon enough.

Chapter Text

On Saturday, six weeks after Amelia Grey accused Mrs. Crawley of kidnapping Lord Merton into marriage, their wedding day finally arrived.

The previous afternoon saw Isobel and Dickie part ways until their nuptials. Before leaving together for lunch at the Abbey, where the groom would stay and spend the remaining time to the ceremony with Lord Grantham and his family, they exchanged their goodbyes in the privacy of their home, as they knew they wouldn't have the chance later, surrounded by other people.

Isobel couldn't help her anxiousness as she smoothed Dickie's lapels over, not quite ready to let him go and out of her sight, without worrying about his well-being.

"Be careful! Don't overexert yourself, don't do anything crazy, even if it is your last night as a single man! Go to bed early, sleep as much as you can, tomorrow will be a long day, with a lot of people. It's been a long time since you've been around so many." - she said, looking into his eyes pleadingly, while holding onto his lapels, knowing rationally he has been feeling good enough, but unable to switch off the fussing and concern, when it was about the man she loved.

"Don't worry! I will behave. I'm going to be fine, you've been taking excellent care of me. I'm going to sleep as much as possible to pass the time as quickly as possible without you by my side. You, on the other hand, should have fun and go wild with Violet! I'm going to miss you! I'm counting down the hours until I can call you my wife!" - he said looking into her eyes clasping one of her hands resting on his chest, understanding well that her instructions came from a caring place, trying to reassure her to the best of his abilities, before leaning down and pressing his lips against hers reverently, just as he did the previous evening.

After letting go, Isobel said looking up at him - "I'm going to miss you too and I can't wait either to call you my husband. If anything happens, anyone can ring me at Violet's house. ".

She pulled him back for another kiss.

"It's all going to be fine. I'll see you tomorrow!" - he whispered, before planting one more kiss to her lips and then to the back of her hand for the last time.

They stepped out together to the waiting car, where Violet was sitting inside.

Everything went smoothly at the Abbey. After lunch they inspected the preparations for the next day and Isobel was able to spend some time with her grandson before her big day. Then the car took Isobel and Violet to the dowager's house, where the bride would spend the night.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened during the afternoon. Richard Grey just had dinner with the family, where he chatted mostly with Robert and Mary. Her goddaughter half-jokingly asked for his word to treat her former mother-in-law right, which he gave willingly, touched by Mary's care for Isobel.

While at the dowager house, the two ladies enjoyed a quiet evening together playing cards and chatting. Despite Violet's usual restraint from sentimentality, Isobel found it important to seize the moment and assure the older lady of her, although altered, but continued friendship in the future, as well as of Dickie's. Isobel expected Violet to act indifferent, but she knew better. She ignored her attempts to change the subject until she told her she could always count on her and Dickie as they have been able to count on her.

True to his words Richard Grey slept in Saturday morning to both appease his worried bride and make the time go faster until three o'clock. There wasn't anything to do for him, just his excitement and nerves getting into overdrive. He decided to write a few lines to Isobel and send it over to her, so she would see it before she left for the church.

As agreed with Mary the previous night, he also had the opportunity to spend some time with George, his future wife's only grandson and his goddaughter's only son, in the company of the little boy's mother, before eating lunch and having to start getting ready. He looked forward to bonding with the child, hoping for him to grow comfortable around him, whenever he would see him by his grandmother's side.

Isobel too allowed herself to rise later than usual. After breakfast in bed, she dressed, and joined Violet for a stroll in the garden. They shared periods of silence and musings about the approaching event. Before an early lunch Isobel wanted to visit Matthew's grave.

Just like her fiance, she was filled with excitement and nervousness. The previous morning she told Dickie how she missed her son and how she wished he could be there on their big day. The evening before that, it was Dickie, who confessed to the sadness he felt upon his sons’ absence from such an important event of his life. As always they provided understanding and comfort for each other.

The Dowager Countess accompanied her to the graveyard, but sat down on a bench, allowing her some privacy. Touching her son's tombstone and saying her feelings out loud to it, as if she was having a conversation with Matthew, grounded her.

"My sweet boy, I miss you so much. I wish you were here to see your son, he is growing up so fast, and to see me marry Lord Merton. I like to think you would be happy for me. It might have taken some time for you to digest the news, but I'm sure you would've been proud to stand by me today as I say yes to a wonderful man. You've met him but I'm sure if you were here you would've gotten to know him more and would get on with him famously. I know he would welcome you with open arms. Sometimes George does something, moves in a way that reminds me of you and my heart aches. If there is such a thing, put in a word for us, you know Dickie isn’t well and it seems he doesn't have long to live, but I want him here with me as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I love you. If you see your dad, tell him I love him too and no one can ever take his place."

She brushed her hand against his name before turning around and walking to Violet.

When they got back, a letter from Dickie was waiting for her along with her bouquet. She exercised some restraint and didn't open it immediately. They finished lunch by half past noon. Violet disappeared to get ready quickly as she would leave before the bride, and also to allow Miss Denker to help Isobel after she was taken care of.

When she was left alone she picked up the flowers and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath smelling them. While their scents washed over her, she allowed her mind to wonder about what Dickie was doing right now. He was probably eating lunch or just getting ready to be dressed. The thought that by the evening she will be Isobel Grey warmed her heart and elevated her constant state of excitement.

Putting down the bouquet, she picked up his letter fondly looking at his handwriting and remembering the first time he sent her flowers and a note, apologizing for his tactlessness, when he forgot about Matthew's death.

She opened it and started reading, her heartbeat quickening.

"My Darling Isobel,

I can’t believe this day has finally come, I have been dreaming about it for so long. I can’t wait to lay my eyes upon you as you walk down the aisle to me. I can’t stop thinking about you and of how lucky I am that I get to marry you.

I’m so excited I can’t keep still.

I miss you. I wish I could kiss you and hold you in my arms right now. I look forward to being allowed to do it anytime starting tonight.

I thought I would ease our nerves by writing to you. Don't worry about anything! Everything is going according to plan. I really am feeling fine. I behaved well and slept a lot during the night. I hope you had a lot of fun!

Despite the circumstances in the past six weeks you have already made me the happiest I have ever been. There are no words to describe how deeply I love you. You're the most intelligent, most beautiful, loveliest creature I have ever met. I promise to do my best to make you as happy as you make me.

I’ll be waiting at the altar. See you soon,

Your husband in a few hours”

After reading it Isobel clutched the paper to her heart looking up trying to hold back her tears in her emotionally heightened state. Her heart was full. It touched her, how he constantly thought of her and anticipated her emotional needs even from far away. He chased away her doubts and assured her that everything was going to be just right.

She too looked forward to laying her eyes upon him and tying their lives together officially in front of everyone, and later in the evening between the two of them.

She read his words once again before tucking it safely away to preserve them forever.

It was time for her to get ready, so she headed to the bathroom. Violet and Miss Denker were on hand to help. She slipped into her dress, satisfied with the result, eager to please her soon to be husband. She also chose an exquisite brooch from the precious jewels Dickie had presented to her two nights ago, to compliment her look and honor her man.

Violet had acknowledged to herself that she never saw Isobel looking so radiant. The Dowager left earlier to take her place in the church before the bride arrived.

Isobel decided to ask Tom to escort her as Dickie chose to ask his old friend, Robert to be his best man. In so many ways Tom was the closest to her. They were both outsiders in the Crawley family, they shared similar beliefs about society and politics and he was also Matthew's best man, which special detail made her feel connected to his son in a small way at this monumental moment for her. Tom was honored to accept, as he felt Mrs. Crawley’s support from the beginning, and treasured their close alliance.

Lord Merton arrived at the church accompanied by Lord Grantham, closely following the other members of the Crawley family. Friends and acquaintances have mostly taken their seat by then.

Richard Grey, the usually calm, gentle and always proper Baron was struggling to contain himself, tortured by the feeling that the wait was never ending. He still had a hard time believing that it was all really happening, as he awaited at the altar the women he loved for years now. Only a few weeks ago it seemed his dreams of marrying her would never come true in the end. He was filled with joy and anticipation like never before. He wondered what his bride was doing at the same moment. He hoped she was feeling good and nothing was clouding her thoughts. He wondered about how he would feel when the ceremony was over and about keeping himself together in front of their guests and about being able to tear away his focus from Isobel long enough to not be rude to their guests.

Robert was amused to see all the emotions playing over his friend’s face. He was really touched by the evidence he kept seeing of the deep bond between his friend and his onetime heir’s mother. He stepped closer and put his hand on Dickie's shoulder wanting to reassure him.

“I’m sure everything is fine. We still have a few minutes until three. She adores you.”

When Lady Violet arrived and slowly made her way to the front to sit, her eyes met with the groom’s agitated gaze. The elderly women understood the question in them not spoken aloud. She silently indicated there was nothing to worry about with a sympathetic, reassuring smile. Momentarily appeased, Lord Merton turned back to face the altar.

All the while Mrs. Crawley and Mr. Branson were on their way to the church.

“Mrs.Crawley, I know Matthew would have been proud to escort you, and he would have been very glad that you have found each other with Lord Merton.” - he said, looking at her, squeezing her hand resting in the crook of his elbow.

Isobel was choked up for a moment before she could speak. The sentiment meant a lot to her and felt that her son would have been indeed very happy for her. That was balm to the aching part of her heart. She felt him with her in her thoughts.

“Thank you.” - she simply said, while returning his look and patting his hand - “You know you can call me Isobel and I won't be Mrs. Crawley for long.” - she exhaled.

“Yes, milady.” - he responded teasingly-”How does it feel to change your name, to lose the Crawley name?”

“Well it’s going to be an adjustment. It’s not the name I was born with, but it has been the one I had for the longest time. I was proud to be a Crawley, because of who Reginald was, and then of course because it was also my son's name, and I never had any reason to feel shame when I was associated with the family at Downton. So it is bittersweet. But I’m also going to be proud to share a name with the most honorable man I know.” - she finished a small smile gracing her lips by the end.

As they paused at the entrance of the church, waiting for the right moment to step inside, Tom slightly turned to Isobel, who’s eyes rested on the figure of her fiance at the other end of the church, his back facing them.

“Ready?”

“Completely.”

As the word left her lips she felt the anticipation, exhilaration and her love for the man waiting for her at the other end of the aisle displace any lingering sadness, guilt or doubt. Nothing else mattered in that moment, only what she and her groom shared. Not Matthew's absence, not Dickie's sons or his illness, or where they lived.

“She is here.” -Robert whispered it to Dickie, who almost came undone hearing those words.

It was hard not to turn around, rush to her and sweep her off her feet.

Isobel felt like her heart was going to burst from beating so wildly, her breath caught, as they neared the end of the aisle. Her eyes never left Dickie's form and when she was halfway there, he finally turned and their gazes met.

Smiles broke out on their faces and joyful peace engulfed them. The kind which only came from the security and certainty of someone else’s love, knowing that no matter what life’s going to bring, you will face it together and because of that everything is going to be worth it. They stared into each other’s eyes as if they were alone. When they were finally side by side Lord Merton leaned towards Isobel a little and whispered in her ears, his tone oozing sincerity.

“You look absolutely marvelous.”- and he couldn’t resist adding, his expression soft - “I’m so happy you are here.”

“I’m glad to see you too.” - she answered with a huge smile on her face, tuning out Mr.Travis’ voice for a few moments, existing only in their own world - “And you are very dashing too.” - she finished, her cheeks coloring.

Throughout the ceremony they gazed into each other’s eyes, felt the other’s proximity, held hands and gently gave caresses with their thumbs while they exchanged their vows and rings.

When they exited the church and were surrounded by all the well wishers, they finally noticed all the people who played an important part in their lives and were present at the moment they became husband and wife. Touched by the support, they took in the emanating love towards them together.

Soon they were alone for the first time as a married couple and in over twenty four hours, inside the car, their sides pressing against each other, arms locked together, while they were headed to the Abbey for their reception.

Dickie leaned down and captured Isobel's lips. After a few kisses they broke apart, looking deeply into each other's eyes grinning.

“Are you happy Lady Merton?”- he asked, eager to hear her answer.

“Perfectly.” - she replied, a smile still playing on her lips as she lifted a hand to gently stroke his cheeks - “What about you, Lord Merton?”.

“Totally.” - he whispered, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“How are you feeling?” - came her inquiry, unable to deny herself.

“I feel wonderful. Seriously.” - he said, looking down, searching for her eyes to convey he meant it.

“I’m glad.”- she looked up, smiling at him.

Dickie's hand moved over her hand, upon which he placed a ring not an hour ago, symbolizing their union. He traced the band and stroked her fingers, finally lifting it up and kissing it in place. Isobel savored his touches.

“Have I told you how lovely you look, my dear?” - came his voice again - “And I noticed the brooch you are wearing. What made you choose it to put on?”

“Well I found it to be a beautiful piece of jewelry and I received it from my husband to whom it means a lot, as it was once owned by his mother. I put it on, because I like the way it looks and I hoped seeing it would bring you joy.”

His heart skipped a beat, hearing her refer to him as her husband.

“Isobel Grey I can’t tell you how happy you make me. You have made my dreams come true.”

“And you made mine.”- she answered back grinning.

“I was a wreck waiting for you.”

“Oh I wasn’t any better, it’s been a long twenty-four hours. I missed you too. Your letter helped, thank you. I’m always amazed how you know what I need, even from afar.”

“I’m glad it made things better for you. What did you do with Violet last night?”

“We just played cards, nothing extraordinary, but I’m so very glad she talked me into staying with her. I told her she can always count on the both of us.”

“That’s nice. Of course she can count on us, I’m very grateful to her, she has helped a lot in winning you over.”- he said the last part teasingly.

“You were a good enough presenter of your virtues, but she most certainly helped us.”- she answered back in the same manner- “I also visited Matthew’s grave before lunch.”

Dickie took her hand immediately.

“How are you feeling about his absence?”- he enquired, his voice shooting, comfort and concern radiating from him.

“I’ve said a few things at his stone and that felt good. Also Tom thinks Matthew would have been proud and happy for us and that gives me comfort. When I saw you, everything else melted away, when you finally looked at me I have never been so sure of anything. However long we have together, my life is better, because I’ve got to be your wife.”

Dickie's heart soared upon hearing those words and leaned down again to kiss Isobel.
They got lost in their kissing, after all it was a new habit for them. They only broke off when they were out of breath, resting their foreheads against each other.

“Have Larry and Timothy been on your mind today?”- she asked, when they pulled away.

“A little. When they surface in my mind I feel sad, but you reign most of my thoughts. There’s so much joy today and I’m loved by you in a way I have never been before, so there's no place to dwell on them.”- he answered, while holding and stroking her hand, a shadow of sadness crossing his face.

Isobel understandingly squeezed his hand and leaned up to kiss him in hope of chasing away the unpleasant thoughts.

They had a nice time at the reception, receiving congratulations and catching up with the people who’ve been part of their lives for some time. The goodwill that surrounded them was so different from the opposition they had to face for so long from his sons, that it was astonishing for them. They’ve chatted as much as possible with their guests.

Lord Merton acknowledged what a great idea it was from his wife that they waited a bit longer for a church wedding. In this way so many people dear to them were able to be there, and it was a real party, something he hasn’t been to for months and wasn't sure he ever will be again. This wasn't someone else’s party with someone else's guests, it was his people there. With their friends' help, the burden of organization didn't fall on them, he and the new Lady Merton could just enjoy it. More pomp wouldn't have suited either of them, but this one last celebration lifted them up in their circumstances. He was very glad he could give Isobel a proper wedding and that it turned out to be a wonderful day indeed.

Lord Grantham gave the first toast.

“As the host and as being both family and friend of the couple I should say a few words. We are honored to welcome all of you witnessing this union here today. I have never known two people who possessed more goodwill or kindness towards others. Their devotion is an example to us all. We have been enriched by their friendship through the years. We wish them every happiness and good health. I give you Lord and Lady Merton.”

Everyone raised their glasses and echoed - “To Lord and Lady Merton.”. The newly wedded couple looked around and it was heartwarming to make eye contact with so many of them: Violet, Mary, Tom, Mrs. Hughes, Dr. Clarkson, servants from Cavenham and others.

Then it was Lord Merton’s turn to raise a glass.

“I want to thank the Crawley family and the whole household really for generously hosting us and for all the support they have given the both of us through the years. I want to thank all of you for coming and sharing this beautiful day with us. It means more to us than I could explain. But most importantly I give thanks to my beautiful wife. I’m proud to declare in front of the world that I have fallen in love with the most wonderful woman, by who’s strength, courage, virtue and selflessness I’m amazed every day. To my brilliant bride!”

Of course it was traditionally a man’s task to give a toast, it was very unusual for a woman to do such a thing, but after all Isobel was never a traditional woman and she was always someone who spoke her mind, so why should it been any different on her wedding day.

“Allow me to say a few words too. I want to echo Lord Merton in thanking every one of you for being here with us today. You've made this splendid day even more special for us. I’m also grateful to the Crawley family, to Lord and Lady Grantham for their wonderful hospitality today and everyday. Together with their staff they have given us a beautiful gift we will always cherish. There is no greater honor than loving and being loved by a man, whose character, determination, perseverance, dependability, compassion and intellectual curiosity makes him attentive to the needs of others. I raise my glass to Lord Merton!”

The time flew by and there was a jolly mood at the reception. At last the newlyweds departed, but not before expressing their gratitude one more time to everyone who made the day possible. Isobel personally thanked Mrs. Hughes just as she did with Robert, Cora, Violet and Tom. Lots of good wishes and kisses were exchanged, when the car finally took Lord Merton and the new Lady Merton to the Crawley House.

On their way home they discussed the reception and how good it was to see all the familiar faces.

“It really was a wonderful party, my dear. It was worth the wait. Thank you.” - Dickie said while looking at Isobel and stroking her hand which he held through the crook of his arm.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. You didn’t mind that I said a few words too, did you?”

“Not at all. You have every right to. I’m just not convinced I deserved all the praise.”

“You most certainly do.” - she doubled down and leaned up to kiss him as if to solidify her opinion - “You're the one always singing me praises, I think I ought to compliment you more often. What you said reminded me of when you proposed. I don’t believe there’s a woman who wouldn’t be swept off their feet when they hear the man they hold in the highest esteem proudly declare their love for them.”

Dickie lifted her hand to plant a kiss on it.

“I was glad to see some of the servants from Cavenhem.”

“Me too, they like you very much. Did you have time to talk to them?”

“A little.”

“And what did they say?”

“One thing made me glad, apparently no one has been let off, though two of them found jobs elsewhere. They said they miss me, which makes me feel bad for them. I know Larry is a harsher and more distant employer.”

“How are you now?” - she examined his face.

“Fine. A bit tired, but that’s all.”

“How does it feel to come here, to the Crawley House at the end of the day?”

“Well the thought that I’m living off of you is still strange, but I do like it, it’s a lovely place, most of all because my wife resides there.” - he answered, smiling at her.

As they pulled up to the house and got inside, Isobel, ever the worrier about her husband’s well-being, negotiated a deal with him. She sent him up to rest at least half an hour before they would eat a little leftover dessert and start the private celebration of their marriage. They were alone in the house, just the two of them so they could be sure there would be no disturbance to their time together.

Dickie rested but he couldn’t sleep. He had to admit he needed to lay down for a bit, the day has certainly been physically tiring for him. However everything that happened and what laid ahead kept his mind active.

Isobel washed and changed, while Dickie regained a bit of strength. She reflected on the events of the day and thought about how their first night as husband and wife would unfold.

When the time was up they sat down to enjoy a slice of cake. After finishing it, Isobel saw it as a good time to bring up something that’s been in the works for weeks.

During the reception Robert pulled aside her unceremoniously and presented her with the papers needed for Lord Merton to be co-owner of the house.

“I have something to show you.” - Isobel said to her husband and stepped aside to pick up the papers - “We’ve talked about this before. I want you to feel like this is your home, because it is. I want to share this house with you and I’ve made arrangements so that you and I share the ownership, the only stipulation is that it will go to George after our death, no matter what. You have to sign some papers for it to be final, but that’s it.”

Richard Grey was taken aback and speechless for a minute. Isobel nervously waited for his reaction, hoping she hadn’t miscalculated and hadn’t made matters worse.

“I don’t know what to say. This is very touching. Never occurred to me such a thing.” - he exhaled - “But I can’t help thinking that now I’m not just living in your house, but taking it away from you, making you poorer.”

Isobel’s face turned pale and her eyes reflected pain.

Dickie knew she did it for him, to make him feel better about worsening her position, rather than improving it. He suspected his words were not the ones she hoped to hear, but he thought he had to be honest about how he felt. He has gotten more used to the idea of their situation in the past six weeks, though he hasn't made his complete peace.

“Come here.” - Dickie said, reaching out to her, wanting to diffuse her misery.

She took his hand, but he put his other hand around her midsection and tried to gently tuck her even closer.

“What are you doing?” - she asked, confused, grabbing his arm.

“Well I don’t want you so far away and I don’t want to make you feel like I don’t appreciate what you are trying to do. I can’t stand seeing you upset. We are married now, there’s nothing we aren’t allowed to do. I just thought it would be better if I held you, while we discussed this. I don’t want to waste the evening staying away from you, but of course if it makes you uncomfortable, I can let go of you.”

Dickie waited for her response, but seconds ticked away and she stayed motionless.

“Are we alright?” - he asked in a worried tone, trying to draw back his arm from her, but she didn’t let go.

She leaned down and whispered, with bated breath ignoring his question - “Go on then, do what you wanted to do with me as we talk.”.

Dickie gently maneuvered her so he could draw her down onto his lap to sit sideways, so they would see eye to eye while they talked, but also hold each other close in an intimate position. She held her breath, not having been in this kind of proximity to him, except for the hugs and kisses they have shared. Her heartbeat quickened and she momentarily forgot what they were discussing. She was so dazed she didn’t notice how much he was affected as well.

“Are you sure this is comfortable to you? I’m quite heavy.” - she said breathlessly.

“I’m sure.”- he exhaled, before kissing her shoulder and leaning his head against it, while his left arm was around her, holding her hip as the right one rested on her lap.

It was unusual, but not at all unpleasant, she was just thrown off. She wasn’t sure she could manage a serious conversation in this position. Her senses were heightened and her anticipation shot through the roof. If she has been dreaming about being this close to him in the past few weeks, she couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling now, when he was aware of his own longing much longer. They wordlessly stayed in place for a few minutes, only their hands caressing each other occasionally.

“I’m afraid I can’t recall what we have been discussing.”- she broke the silence leaning away a bit to be able to look into his eyes.

“The house.”

“Oh, yes. Dickie, I have told you what I think about it, how I see this. I thought you didn’t put that much importance on money, I must have misunderstood you. You were the one who decided to give up Cavenham! We might not live in the splendor a baron usually does, this is certainly much less than what you have gotten used to, but we are still well off, we have everything we need and even more. I thought you just haven't been able to feel at home here, as you don’t feel like this place is yours.”

“No no no, it’s not about that, at least not about me having less, I would give up anything to be with you. It’s you, I wanted you to have more and not less because of me. I feel like I backed you into a corner.”

“But this is what I have been trying to tell you. I don’t feel like I’m poorer because of you, on the contrary you have enriched my life in immeasurable ways. I have managed alone for years until now.” - she had to take a deep breath before continuing, concentrating on not letting her emotions overwhelm her - “Even if one day you might not be here, I will have enough money. Besides, you have already given me a lot of jewelry and told me yourself, if there was trouble I could make money out of it. I also know if something happened the family wouldn’t leave me completely alone. I don’t feel like you are taking anything from me at all. We have talked about how we want to be partners and equals. This is about that. We are not sharing Cavenhem, because it isn’t yours anymore, you gave it to your son. But you shared with me what is yours, the jewelry, and I’m sharing what is mine. We’ve talked about this too, what mine is yours and vice versa. This is our home now. Yours too, just as much as it is mine. We are married. We are going to be together for the rest of our lives, however long it may last.”

“If it stayed in your name you would be better protected. You know how women are always disadvantaged in our society even in questions of the law, money, tax or inheritance. Do you really trust me that much? What if I turn out to be a terrible husband?”

Isobel had to laugh at that.

“Of course I trust you that much, there’s no one I trust more than you, I trust you with my life, I trust you with everything and anything. I thought that was obvious. Why would we have married if that wasn’t the case? About you being a terrible husband, don’t be silly. Did you forget the past six weeks that we already lived together before the wedding? Or do you think I might turn out to be a bad wife?”

“No, of course not, that’s impossible.”

“Well then. My answer is the same.”

Dickie seemed deep in thought, before he spoke again.

“I can’t believe this. You really think this house should belong to me just as it does to you? Are you entirely sure about me signing the papers? Have you thought this through?”

“Yes, I want that to be the truth and also how you feel.”

“Then I guess I have to surrender.” - he said, smiling - “This is another example of how generous you are and how much you care. I feel very humbled and honored. Thank you, though I feel these words can never be adequate for what you’ve done. But I have something for you too.”

Isobel was relieved to hear him give in and even if it wasn’t easy for him to accept, it was obvious how touched he was by her offer. His last sentence however took her by surprise.

“What?”

“You know I have spoken to my lawyers too. I wanted to make sure, as much as possible, that you were taken care of when I die. You know I have a fund that’s not tied to the estate and you will inherit it. I made sure my sons can’t claim it.”

“You don't have to do that.”

“Yes, I did. I do want to make whatever I can easier for you. If you want to give it away, you can, to any cause you would like, when I’m no longer here.”

“Wow. I really don't need it, and I don't deserve it, but I can’t refuse it now that you accepted my proposition, can I? Thank you. I truly do have everything I need, but it makes me feel important, how you want to take care of me. I just want to do the same for you. Please, allow me!”

“Alright.” - he said, before kissing her deeply, - “I’m sorry I can’t take you on a honeymoon!” - he continued while urging her to stand up and holding her hands as he led them upstairs.

“I’ve told you before, it doesn’t matter. I don't care where we are as long as we are together and have everything we need.”

“If a miracle happened and I would get better I would take you anywhere!”

They stopped in front of her room. They have been nearing this moment for a long time, their anticipation has been building more intensely with the hour approaching. Both of them were excited and longing for the moment their bodies finally became one. Naturally some nervousness also surfaced inside of them. They wondered how it would all go, if the other would like what they saw, if they could give pleasure to the other. Neither of them has been in such a situation in years.

“Come in! From now on this is your room too!” - Isobel said quietly, gently pulling him inside.

After stepping in, she turned around and kissed Dickie.

“Welcome!” - she whispered smiling, after pulling apart and asked following a pause - “Can you help me turn down the covers?”

“Of course!” - he replied and went to the other side of the bed, grabbing the bedding and helping to pull it down.

When the bed was ready they met in the middle once again putting their arms around each other.

“What do you say, you bring over your sleeping garment and anything you like from your room ?” - she asked.

“Alright, I will be back in a moment.” - he agreed and dropped a kiss on her lips, before turning around and leaving the room.

While he was gone Isobel nervously paced a bit, then she sat down to her vanity and started taking off her jewels. When Dickie returned she was still sitting. He approached her after he disposed his things on a nearby chair, and gently placed his hands on her shoulders, his eyes meeting hers in the mirror.

“You are something, Isobel Grey.” - he whispered affectionately, before kissing her crown.

He tenderly massaged her shoulders and arms, while his wife closed her eyes and relaxed into his touch contentedly.

“What would you like to do now, my dear? Shall we undress?” - he asked, trying to sound light, but not quite successful to cover the slight nervousness in his voice.

“Yes, I would like that.” - Isobel answered, smiling back up at him, also eager, but failing to mask her worries.

Lord Merton extended his hand to help her stand up and they stood facing each other next to her side of the bed.

Their hearts were beating out both of their chests. Their longing to finally know each other's body and express their love in the most intimate physical way, become unbearable, despite the doubt in the back of their mind that they would be a disappointment to the other.

“I love you with my whole heart. You know, I would never do anything to hurt you, right?” - he asked, and Isobel nodded - “If I ever do something you don’t like, I want you to tell me, understood?”

“Yes”- she answered breathlessly.

“Are you ready? Can I touch you?”- he asked for permission.

His words gave reassurance to her and warmed her heart being reminded that she could trust him without reservations.

“Yes.” - she lifted her eyes, and gripped his arms with her hands - “I love you too with my whole heart. I’m yours and I want to give you pleasure.”

“You already do, darling.” - he said equally breathlessly and captured her lips in a deep exploratory kiss - “I want to please you too.” - he added after breaking apart.

They gave themselves to each other fully and freely. They felt safe and loved completely, enjoying the connection of their mind, body and soul, finally becoming from two to one.

Chapter Text

Isobel and Dickie enjoyed their newly married life together, as much - if not more - then what they dreamed about how it would be. Their life together started six weeks before their wedding, when Isobel showed up at Cavenham and took Lord Merton home with her to look after him and marry him. Now the same amount of time has gone by since they tied the knot.

The only difference between the first six weeks and the second six weeks has been the grounding knowledge and experience of finally belonging together in every possible way, beyond just staying under one roof, sharing themselves with each other in the most intimate ways, their union recognized even by the rule of law.

His health and consequently his physical appearance kept improving gradually. Isobel has been very protective of him. She was very firm on not letting him get overtired. That meant sometimes talking him out of even the few events or physical activities he wanted to participate in. She hoped to be able to keep him by her side longer this way.

He only went out on occasion, and most of those outings were to the Abbey, where they attended family dinners. He spent a lot of time in bed and resting. The remaining parts of the day usually went by being in the garden, reading or sitting with Isobel. He understood the restrictions his wife imposed on him were because she wanted to protect him to the best of her abilities, so he complied with her wishes whenever she was afraid he would tire himself too much.

They tried not to wonder about how long he had left to live, they simply strived to focus on the present and enjoy their time together. Still sometimes they wondered in their own thoughts if the doctors were wrong, as his condition was supposed to worsen and not improve with time, even if Isobel took better care of him then his son and daughter-in-law. However they always pushed those thoughts away, rationalizing that they asked Dr. Clarkson's opinion too on the diagnosis and he found it plausible. At some point Dickie certainly didn’t feel or look good enough for there not to be an illness behind all of it.

He should've been fading by now, but instead he kept feeling better every day. He felt he had more energy, and that he could handle more things again. It didn’t make sense. Despite his efforts to not fall into the traps of false hope, his heart leaped even at the slightest thought of the possibility of a full life with his wife. He tried to be content with the chance he was getting to experience being Isobel's husband, but he longed for a long and full life with her, that would last years and include exploring new places and experiencing all kinds of things with her. Isobel always let him know that she was going to do anything in her power to make his life longer and better. She told him that she would never give up hope before his last breath.

For his own peace of mind he decided to sneak into the hospital and ask Dr. Clarkson for new tests. He chose not to tell Isobel, because he didn't want to get her hopes up. He felt he was insane for even contemplating the idea that he might have been misdiagnosed. If he didn't tell anyone it was just his own heart he was going to potentially set up for disappointment. His only chance to visit the hospital without her knowledge, while avoiding lying to her face at the same time, was when she was there herself during one of her shifts, though the risk of running into her remained.

Everything was going according to his plan. He only had to leave the building and get home without being seen by her. He would get the results later. But as he stepped out, it was over, she caught him.

He felt like a fool. He hasn't hidden anything from her before, except for gifts, and even if he did it now to save her from heartache, it didn’t feel right leaving her out of the loop. Their relationship was built on honesty, even at the times when it was uncomfortable. For that reason he immediately felt relief at being found out and came clean.

She was of course alarmed instantly, but she took it in stride, hearing him out before jumping to conclusions and getting angry with him. Her first feelings were worry, then relief that he wasn’t there, because something had gone wrong. Soon she felt disappointment hit her as she realized he didn’t share his visit with her. After hearing his explanation though, she couldn’t help, but be filled with hope and optimism. She just smiled at him with her eyes shining and squeezing his arm, love and warmth oozing from her every pore. She even planted a kiss on his cheeks before they separated with the promise of her coming home later, when she finished her work.

She had the same doubts, suspicions as him and she was always open about her hopes regarding his life, so she didn’t disapprove of his decision to consult Dr. Clarkson. She was glad he took action by himself and she didn't have to wonder longer if he was really ill or what he had was fatal, even if she never let him know her mind has been occupied with the possibility. She was only sad he hadn't said a word about any of it to her before, but she understood him and appreciated his intent to protect her, even if she rather shared the hard things too.

He looked forward to her return so they could discuss everything around his decision to get tested again more thoroughly and clear things up so they could fall back in step with each other as there would be no secrets between them again. Isobel had some time to process the news before getting home. She knew with her mind that she shouldn't get her hopes up, just as Dickie had told her why he hadn't shared his appointment with her, but when it came to the man she loved and their lives together she couldn't help but feel the hope inside her grow stronger.

When she got home, Dickie heard her coming in and went to greet her in the hall as she was taking her coat off. As he got to her, they embraced and held onto each other for a long time.

“I’m so glad that nothing’s wrong with you besides what we know.” - she whispered into his neck as she clung to him - “It’s hard to let go of the worry.”

“I feel perfectly fine, just as I’ve told you at the hospital.” - he replied and drew back to be able to look into her eyes, conveying his sincerity, before leaning down and giving her a proper kiss.

When he was about to let go, Isobel pulled him back, giving him a few more pecks, reassuring herself that he was okay.

“How was your day?” - Dickie asked as they finally separated, following his wife into a room.

“It was all right, nothing out of the ordinary, except finding you there.” - she said as she moved around, while he sat down into a nearby armchair - “You know I don’t think I told you this last night, as you were already asleep when I got home, but at dinner Robert asked why you were not there and I told them I’m very anxious to not get you overtired even though you wanted to come. I said to Rose it’s because you are not well, but then I added it’s funny how I’m saying that when you are the picture of health. It doesn't make sense to me either how you seem to be compared to how you are supposed to be. And it’s been on my mind a lot, even though I tried to push it away. I guess just as you didn't want to get my hopes up, I didn't want to get up yours by mentioning it. You know I have been suspicious from the start and I’m even more confident now that the London man was wrong.”

“I don’t want us to get too carried away, dear.”- Dickie said evenly - “Nothing hurts more than when you think something will come true but it turns out it’s not going to happen.”

Isobel's hands froze, while arranging books on the table. Her stomach tightened at his last sentence, thinking about how she first accepted his proposal then withdrew, how she made him believe his dreams were coming true then took it all away from him.

"I'm sorry."- she whispered, lifting her head.

"What for?" - Dickie asked, looking confusedly at her.

"For refusing to marry you after I accepted your proposal."

"Oh.” - realization dawned on his face and he instantly got up reaching for Isobel, not wanting her to beat herself up a moment longer, knowing how deeply this topic still made her feel guilty, remembering one of their first conversations after she brought him to here, and several others since then.

Isobel stayed motionless trying to keep her emotions in check, when Dickie gently placed his hands on her arms from behind.

“It was certainly one of the hardest things I experienced in my life, but I wasn't referring to that, I wasn’t thinking about it. I have told you before, I’ve never held that against you, I’ve never resented you for that. You were scared and thought you were protecting the both of us by it. I’m just saying I want to prevent us from going through such a thing with my illness. I want to spare us from unnecessary heartache.” - he finished by dropping a kiss on her shoulder.

Isobel leaned her head back against his shoulder, closing her eyes, trying to remind herself of the truth of his words.

“I want you with me for as long as possible, and I hope the doctor was wrong or that a miracle happened. I'm never going to give up hope that you might have more time left after all, because I always want to have more time with you. I love you, Dickie, more than anyone else. These past few months with you here have been the happiest I have been in a long time and I would be lying if I said I wouldn't want to have more of this.”- she said, her eyes still closed and her back resting against Lord Merton’s chest, while he brought his arms around her.

When seconds passed by and she remained silent, he gently turned her around in his arms so they could face each other.

“Of course. I just think we have accepted my fate already and it would be harder to do so again if it turns out that I indeed do have pernicious anemia even if I feel fine now. I love you too, more than I have ever loved anyone. There's nothing I want more than time with you. What you just said makes me want to live even more.” - he said, while kissing her temple.

“So you don't have any regrets? About giving Cavenham to Larry? Living here? Because Mary asked me yesterday if you regret it and I said we are happy as we are.” - she looked up at him, momentarily uncertain, looking for reassurance, which he was more than willing to give.

“No. My only regret is not having enough time with you in this life, but then I wouldn’t be content with a hundred lifetimes either, because I would always want more with you. I’m just that insatiable.” - he chuckled, mischief playing in his eyes, hoping to lighten his wife's mood, caressing her cheek with one thumb, before turning serious again - “There hasn’t been a moment, when I regretted leaving Cavenham and living here with you. I have you to thank for that. You are my home now, and I assure you, I’m very much enjoying myself where I am right now.” - he whispered the last part, while brushing his lips against hers several times before claiming it.

Previously to their wedding, there was a time when Isobel was worried about Dickie’s physical reservedness, but ever since their first night together their intimacy has blossomed. He didn’t hold himself back anymore and despite his fragile health they managed to spend endless hours discovering each other's bodies, expressing their feelings in physical ways. It wasn’t simply about the ultimate eruption of pleasure, but about the closeness, trust and the freedom to touch each other. Going to sleep at night by holding each other, hugging and kissing in greeting, sitting side by side holding hands, sliding a hand against the other in passing. Naturally when they were in company, they behaved appropriately, only occasionally stealing moments, when they thought no one was looking. At home, when it was just the two of them, and that happened often, they were very open and playful with each other. To Isobel’s amusement Dickie quickly learnt how to use his body to diffuse any tense discussion between them, how to calm, ground, reassure, distract or excite her according to the situation. Where and how to touch her. He was so good at it, that even when she was aware he was using his touch to achieve a particular goal, she couldn’t resist his affect on her. Like right now.

His goal was to distract and reassure her, making her relax with his lips and hands, not letting her fall into a spiral of unpleasant thoughts. It was also a testament to how well he already knew her. Not just her body, but her mind, her thoughts, her heart and soul. How well he could read her signs. Sometimes it made her feel strange, as she never experienced such a connection before, not even Reginald knew her that well. The understanding, the patience and the quiet strength she found in Dickie amazed her. She trusted him with her life. She knew he would never let her down and hurt her. He always used his knowledge for her benefit and their mutual pleasure. If she was honest it wasn’t just Dickie who had power over her. She had to admit she too must have some kind of hold over him, because she always managed to talk him out of doing anything she deemed too much in his condition, without it turning into an argument. He never blamed her, instead always believed her and let himself be persuaded.

These thoughts ran through her mind, before she completely lost herself in her husband’s kisses. After a few minutes of kissing, they broke apart trying to catch their breath, while their foreheads rested against each other. There was something she found important to say, so before he could distract her further, still a little out of breath she started speaking.

“I understand why you haven't told me about going to the doctor and I haven't told you either that this has been on my mind, but still I would prefer if you have shared with me. I have told you before and I will keep telling you that I want to share the hard things too, not just the good and easy ones.”

“I apologize. I know I should've. It didn't feel right to keep it from you even though my motivation was honorable. I’m glad you caught me. It’s not always easy to share things I know might hurt you but I know what you mean, and I want the same thing in return, so bear with me as I try to get better at this.”

For the time being she had to remind herself that the tests might just confirm what they already knew, that despite the appearance of his health he might have only months or weeks to live. His deterioration might hit them unexpectedly.

“How are Rose and Atticus? And how are the wedding preparations going?”- they were still holding each other following a minute of silence, when Lord Merton enquired in a change of topic, as they haven't had the opportunity to discuss her last evening at the abbey.

“Oh they are doing wonderful! Rose showed me a photo of their daughter, she looks like an angel. She also said she was happy to hear about us.” - she said smiling up at him - “I thanked her for the gifts. I’m sure the wedding preparations are on schedule. Edith is glowing. I’m so happy things are finally looking great for her. I watched her for a long time, she has been on her own, and not many things seemed to work out for her. I always admired and supported her interest in writing and managing her newspaper company.” - she suddenly paused, before continuing this time slight emotion coloring her voice, while Dickie attentively listened to her - “You know when Matthew died I wasn’t really functioning, I didn’t have any motivation to live and she was the one who reminded me that I’m a grandmother, when I told her that there’s not even a word when someone loses their only child.”

Dickie put his arms around his wife in comfort, before she continued.

“That meant so much to me, I will be forever grateful for that. I also enjoy seeing young women succeed, it’s good to know she can also have a loving home.”

“I agree. I’ve known her since she was a child. It will be very special to see her getting married. And I’m thankful to her too for being there for you when you needed it.”

“I get the impression that Robert doesn’t support Cora being involved with the hospital. I couldn’t put up with that.” - she mused.

“No, you couldn’t.” - he chuckled - “So I’m good to go to the wedding and after that to stay for the reception and ring in the new year with the rest of the family?”

“Yes. I’ve told them you’re going to be there. You know that’s why I wanted you to stay home yesterday, so you could be there tomorrow.”

“I’ve told you I don’t feel like an invalid.”

“Yes, and I can’t wait for your results.”

The next day arrived. Dickie looked forward to getting out and seeing more people than he has lately at the Crawley table. It was the first wedding, since their own, that they were going to attend as a married couple. That fact added to their anticipation as well as they looked forward to a day of celebration. Fond memories from six weeks ago kept playing in both of their minds as they got dressed for the event.

As they got ready to leave the house for the church, they stopped in the hall. Isobel looked over her husband's appearance and smoothed out his lapels and tie. Smiling up at him she sighed in appreciation.

"You look very handsome, darling! You get better looking every day!"

Taking her hands and leaning down he kissed her lips.

"My dear, I could say the same about you."

He lifted one of her hands to his lips and kissed it.

"The last wedding we attended was ours. It was torture not seeing you until the ceremony. It’s strange how it's been six weeks and yet it also feels like I've known you forever."

"I know what you mean. I loved our wedding, it was everything I dreamed about."

"I’m glad, it was for me too. Now we are going to someone else’s as husband and wife."

Inside the church they had taken their place and were chatting about pleasant things, reminiscing about their own special day completely focused on each other in their private little world, when Dr. Clarkson approached them. Ever the hopeful one about Dickie’s health Isobel immediately lit up with the thought that Dickie didn't have anemia after all, but the doctor quickly corrected her. Lord Merton, the calm, level headed man approached the subject from the other end, more inclined to believe in a disappointing outcome in self-protection. However Dr. Clarkson revealed that he did in fact have anemia, just not a fatal one. In those short few seconds while the news was finally revealed a myriad of emotions and thoughts run through both of them. They went through being surprised, in disbelief and realization, as it was said out loud with truth that he wasn’t going to die.

The doctor disappeared and the ceremony was starting soon. Thanks to the shock and a church full of people, they couldn’t react much, they just beamed at each other as they turned back. They squeezed each other’s hands in the pew, glancing towards the other from time to time broad smiles gracing their faces.

Throughout the ceremony both of their minds kept coming back to this new revelation. They tried to comprehend and process what it really meant for them, for their future and their lives together. He is going to be fine. They were going to have more time. They could start planning. She would have liked to shout at the top of her lungs, letting everyone know how happy she was. She couldn't wait to be alone with her husband. To celebrate the news, to make plans, to hold him and kiss him.

When the service was over they would have set off along with the rest of the guests to the Abbey for the reception, but Isobel desperately wanted a few moments alone with her husband upon learning such news. Thankfully their home was very close to the church, and Lord Merton didn’t have any objections when his wife suggested a detour. Everyone was paying attention to the newlyweds, so no one noticed when Isobel hooked her arm into Dickie's and they started walking away. They silently reached the door, the short walk enough to leave behind the union they just witnessed and instead contemplate the change of circumstances they've just learned about and what it meant for them.

As Dickie closed the door behind them and turned around Isobel was ready to jump him, clasping her arms around his neck. He wasn't prepared, but he quickly wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. They held onto each other for a long time, swaying side to side at times.

"I'm so happy Dickie! I can't tell you how happy I am! This is what I have been hoping and praying for! We weren't stupid for thinking it might not be true. God, you are going to live! You are not going to die! I love you so much! " - she babbled into his ears as she pressed her cheeks against his, while she stroked the skin and played with the hair of his neck.

Dickie tightened his arms around her in response and buried his head in the crook of her neck.

After some silence she drew back, still holding him but in enough distance to be able to look at his face and asked - "What do you say, Dickie? How are you feeling? Are you all right?" - slightly alarmed by his quietness.

"I'm fine. I can hardly believe it." - he finally said, having a hard time getting the words out -
"But it all makes sense now. I never wanted to deceit myself with false hope. I tried to control my head and not let my heart get ahead. It's hard now to believe that it's the truth, the reality. I'm afraid that I will wake up and find out it’s just a dream or wishful thinking."

"But it's true, Dickie.” - she took a hold of his face with both hands, to keep eye contact with him, to help him realize that it was indeed the truth - “You wouldn't keep feeling better if it was fatal. You wouldn't keep looking healthier with each passing day. The day after tomorrow we can walk over and look at the results I'm sure. Seeing it and talking more with Dr. Clarkson might help ease your mind."

"All right. The one thing I wanted most in my life is a life with you, and now I get to have it after all! This means I can take you on a honeymoon!" - he exclaimed excitedly.

"I’m not sure we qualify as newlyweds anymore!"- Lady Merton chuckled.

"I don't care what we call it, I'm taking you on a trip!” - he said leaning down and kissing her lips - “I also have half a mind to take you upstairs and not let you out of our bed." - he whispered between kisses, as their bodies pressed against each other.

"And I have half a mind of letting you do that, but we have to attend a reception and welcome the new year with the family."

"I guess I will have to be content with this until then." - he said before capturing her lips and kissing her thoroughly, their tongues battling and exploring.

After breaking apart reluctantly, Isobel whispered -"We should go."

"Just one more for the new year, as I won't be able to kiss you like I want to, in front of the family."

He leaned back in and they shared another searing kiss. Isobel felt her heart explode from the joy, love and pleasure she was feeling.

On their way to the Abbey they lost track of time chatting about their future plans. They agreed that they would only tell the family their news in the new year, giving themselves more time to absorb it and truly believe it, and also not to take away any attention from Edith.

Throughout the rest of the day they stole glances at each other and shared happy smiles thinking about their secret and bright future. They radiated such cheerfulness, energy and love. Their usual friendly demeanor and obvious harmony with each other was no secret for others, so thankfully their added glow didn’t arouse anyone else’s suspicions.

In a moment of freedom from conversation, Isobel's thoughts wandered to her man, to her wonderful, handsome, honest, strong, understanding, patient, smart, faithful, loving Dickie, who wasn’t going to die after all, at least not from pernicious anemia. Warm feelings, that she wouldn’t be able to put into words, flooded her and all she wished in that moment, that she could drag her husband away and make love to him until neither of them had any energy left. For the first time not having to wonder if it would be the last time they get to bring joy to each other this way, but with the accompanying thought that she will get to experience this a thousand more times. As he was on her mind her eyes unconsciously found him in the crowded room and rested on him. Memories from just a few weeks, days and hours ago flashed in her head. His lips, his hands, his body on her. As if he sensed her staring at him and being able to read her thoughts, his eyes connected with hers, a mischievous smile playing on his lips followed by a wink. Isobel felt her cheeks color. She still couldn’t fathom how she could feel like this at her age. She still marveled at how could this man just show up in her life and slowly, but surely without her noticing turn her upside down, into a lightheaded, infatuated young woman feeling sick with love.

Dickie has been long aware of the hold his wife had on him, he noticed her effect and resigned himself to it willingly years ago. Even as he was happily chatting to others in a room full of people, with Isobel at the other end,- glad to be able to socialize, following his reduced social life, thanks to his illness, - he couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering to her, nor his eyes from seeking her out, only to find her staring at him with such tenderness and longing, that it took his breath away. He couldn’t stop the smile either forming on his lips nor his wink at her in response. Seeing her blush just brought him more joy. But something was new for him too, something he wasn’t sure he would ever get to experience, something he still had a hard time grasping. For his love to be reciprocated, to be desired and loved as deeply by another person as he did. He just couldn’t believe how blessed he was that not just anyone, but in his opinion the loveliest woman he has ever known was looking at him, caring about him the way Isobel did. She loved him completely. She looked after him, never lost hope and now more than anything she celebrated his life, conveying in every possible way how much she looked forward to a long and happy life with him.

Not long after, in the new year Isobel and Dickie went on their honeymoon, where they indeed spent a huge part of their time indoors, discovering more about love and each other.