Chapter Text
1.
Swinging the door open, Dazai strolled into the armed detective agency office, completely casual for someone who was 2 hours late to work.
Kunikida, standing very still and quiet like a sinister stone statue, was probably about to erupt into a screaming frenzy at this, though it wasn’t terribly unusual for Dazai to come in this late. Kyouka simply slipped on her pair of earmuffs, preparing herself for the explosion. That was smart, Atsushi thought; he’d have to buy some for this kind of situation.
“Why,” Kunikida started with a low grumble, like thunder before lightning, “are you two hours late ?”
Dazai turned to him cheerfully, an ‘innocent’ grin on his face that surely spelled doom.
“Why, Kunikida, my lovely dear spouse slept in, so I had to wait to give my dearest a cup of tea for breakfast! It ended up being a much longer sleep-in than I thought, but I couldn’t just wake my beloved up, that would be so rude! Don’t you agree?”
…
Silence suffocated the office, every member of the agency staring bug-eyed at the grinning Dazai, whose slight mischievous edge to his otherwise innocuous smile gave away that he was enjoying every second of this.
Finally, Kunikida broke the silence, his voice wobbly from sheer confusion, all former anger forgotten.
“YOU’RE MARRIED???”
Dazai nodded, pulling out of his coat pocket a small silver object with a glint of purple on it…
A ring.
“HUH???”
Most of the agency stumbled their way over to Dazai, various looks of shock on their faces. Ranpo’s eyes widened, though he didn’t move, and Kyouka moved the left part of her earmuff so she could listen with interest but didn’t otherwise react.
“Who on EARTH would marry you?”
“Dazai! Dazai! Can we meet them?”
“Don’t tell me you married one of your one-night hookups while drunk, Dazai.”
“Why would you keep it secret, Dazai?”
“They better be good to you, or I’ll cleave their arms off.”
“I think we should be more worried if he’s good for THEM.”
“Is it one of the waitresses downstairs?”
“I sincerely hope she doesn't die due to your horrendous cooking and deadly driving skills.”
“Is it a girl or a guy? Or something else?”
Dazai’s smile only widened at the bewildered shouting. Glancing briefly at his phone (which was not turned on), he got up and waved a hand at them dismissively.
“Well it just so happens that my dearest is calling for me right now! See you all later!”
The agency stood, frozen, staring as Dazai left the office and disappeared. Several minutes of silence followed.
Yosano, having recovered from the shock fairly quickly, hummed thoughtfully before speaking.
“Well, come to think of it… he hasn’t invited anyone to commit double suicide with him for a while, has he? He’s gotten better mentally with enough work and effort, sure, but I had a suspicion there was some outside force helping him out.”
Atsushi shook away his confusion and nodded, a realisation dawning on him. “Yeah. I’ve also had a nagging feeling that that thing of him smiling at his phone with this weird fond smile of his wasn’t always there.”
Yosano eyed him curiously. “When do you think that began, Atsushi?”
“I think…” It took a minute as Atsushi racked his brain for the memory, the agency waiting patiently. “I think… it can’t have been too long after the Moby Dick crashing, from what I can remember. So a few years ago.”
Kenji suddenly jumped excitedly. “Oh! I noticed less than a month ago he’s started being more and more late to work and leaving later, and he wouldn’t explain why! And he keeps on zoning out and smiling about something!”
Yosano nodded. “I’ve noticed that too. Whoever it is, he must really like them.”
Kunikida was silent the whole time, still frozen with shock, eyes glued to the doors Dazai exited through.
As Atsushi, Yosano, and Kenji began to formulate theories of who it might be, Ranpo sighed from his desk in the corner and slipped on his glasses, activating ultra deduction.
A moment passed, and Ranpo’s previously neutral face morphed into an amused grin.
Oh, this was going to be interesting.
2.
Atsushi was waiting for Dazai to arrive this morning, the day after the reveal, and he was tapping his pencil against the desk absentmindedly.
He had to know more about this mysterious marriage. Just who had his mentor married? What were they like together? Why keep it a secret?
Absorbed in his thoughts, he almost didn’t notice when Dazai himself walked into the room, settling down in his seat. Not two hours late this time, just one. Looking around, it seemed that Kunikida was not in the room, possibly in the bathroom or speaking with the president. This was his chance.
“Dazai!”
The man looked at Atsushi with a grin, clearly expecting the questions already.
“ Yes , Atsushi?”
Taking a deep breath, Atsushi prepared himself for any answers he might get.
“Dazai… who’s your wife?”
For some reason, Dazai looked at his mentee like he had sprouted two heads, eyes blown wide with bewilderment.
“Atsushi, you…”
And suddenly, Dazai had fallen onto the ground with a thump , rolling on the floor laughing. He was barely holding himself together, incessant giggles pouring through him at every second as if Atushi had told the world’s greatest joke. He didn’t even say anything particularly funny, did he?
“Dazai, did you eat those mushrooms again?” He managed to ask once his mentor started to calm down.
This prompted another wave of laughter, and he even heard a giggle or two coming from Ranpo! What on earth was going on? Atsushi’s eyebrows furrowed with confusion, and he waited for Dazai to compose himself again. Hopefully he had something to answer with.
After the cackling had begun to cease, Dazai managed to pull himself back onto his chair, still giggling a bit from whatever had prompted the laughter.
“Dazai..?”
After gathering himself somewhat, Dazai put his hand on his heart in mock offence, attempting to pout childishly at Atsushi.
“Atsushi! I can’t believe you’d think of me that way!” He managed to wheeze out at last in what was probably supposed to be a hurt tone, but he was still very much out of breath from all the laughing, and a disobedient smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
Atsushi raised an eyebrow. “Because I asked you if you ate the mushrooms again?”
“No, not that!” Dazai waved a hand, looking childishly annoyed.
“Then, what did I say..?”
Dazai scoffed, and then gave Atsushi a dramatic glare.
“Atsushi! I do not have a wife! I have a husband!”
…
“Oh! I’m so sorry Dazai, I shouldn’t have assumed!” He managed to blurt out, waving his hands frantically.
…honestly, he wasn’t as surprised as he thought he would’ve been, but he still felt a bit bad about assuming.
Dazai simply nodded seriously without responding, and then pulled out his phone to play games. Typical of him. Looking around at the listening agency members, none of them looked particularly surprised at this. Except for…
Kunikida stood at the door to the agency, a tray of coffees in his hand, presumably from the cafe below, and his expression was one of pure surprise.
“Aw, Kunikida, you didn’t know?” Yosano teased as he brought them their coffees silently, muttering out a quiet thanks.
“I didn’t… how was I supposed to know?!?! I mean it’s fine, but… how did you all know?” Kunikida stammered.
“Oh come on Kunikida, we all know the requirements for a ‘perfect woman’ you wrote down in your little notebook is just something you made up to fit in! You haven’t ever felt attraction before, have you Kunikida?” Ranpo goaded, and Kunikida made a strange noise at that.
“That’s okay, Kunikida! Everyone’s different!” Kenji exclaimed cheerfully, pulling the thoroughly embarrassed man into a big hug, the now-empty tray in his hand clattering to the ground.
The office was filled with the clamouring of encouraging agency members - Kunikida in the centre of it all hiding his very red face in his hands - and Atsushi hummed contentedly, a fond smile gracing his features.
This is what it feels like to be in a family, isn’t it?
3.
Grumbling to himself, Kunikida made his way into the bookstore.
He wouldn’t have to do this if it weren’t for Dazai, goddammit. It was Dazai’s fault he kept on breaking his precious pens, so this was his chance to buy a stash of them so there’d be backups. Not that it’d matter in the long run, since his idiot partner was so insistent on annoying him so often.
And speak of the devil… is that Dazai?
A mop of brown hair and a big tan coat, and… bandages. That was definitely him, all right.
But… irresponsible, lazy Dazai, shopping ? In a bookstore?
Curiosity got the better of him, and Kunikida approached his partner, who seemed to be investigating the travel booklets. Dazai turned to Kunikida at his approach, flashing that irritatingly friendly grin of his.
“Oh hey, Kunikida! What are you doing here?”
“Buying pens. What are you doing here?”
“Hm…” Dazai hummed thoughtfully, as if considering something. “I was looking for a Japanese language book, preferably something more advanced… Could you help me find one? I assume you know this place better than I do, and since you used to be a teacher you probably know the more reliable education resources.”
Kunikida raised an eyebrow quizzically.
“You’re looking for… shouldn’t you be fluent ?” His tone came somewhere between disbelieving and annoyed, but Dazai simply chuckled in response.
“Oh, silly Kunikida. It’s not for me, it’s for my husband!”
Oh . Of course.
“Ah, right… he’s not from here, then?”
“Nope! He’s mostly fluent in speaking Japanese, but not so much with writing. I thought it’d be fun to teach him!”
Dazai looked like he was genuinely in a good mood, and Kunikida hummed thoughtfully.
He must be pretty serious about this relationship then, huh?
Wait a second, who am I kidding? He’s MARRIED, of course he’s serious about this!
I never thought he’d commit to a relationship, though… This is probably good for him.
Kunikida nodded at his partner, and suddenly he couldn’t stop an earnest smile from crossing his face.
“You know Dazai, I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way.”
In that instant, Dazai’s confident aura shattered, his face twisting up in genuine surprise. In the past, this would have been the moment where he covered it up with a cool facade just as quickly, but he wasn’t the same person anymore.
“Kunikida…”
As words failed to leave Dazai’s tongue, Kunikida simply nodded and walked to the Language section a few paces away, and gestured to a few of the books there, trying to hide the amused smile creeping onto his face.
“Here, they were right under your nose. These ones in particular cover the most, so they should be adequate if you don’t want to waste money on buying multiple books of the same level to get the full range.”
He couldn’t quite keep the amused lilt in his voice from being close to laughing from slipping out, but Dazai either didn’t notice or chose to ignore it, nodding hurriedly and gathering up the heftiest-looking book on the shelf.
Turning back to his partner, Dazai smiled softly, and Kunikida felt warm at the sight.
“Thank you, Kunikida. You’re a good partner.”
“And you, Dazai. I think your husband will have a good time learning with you.”
And just like that, Dazai hurried off to the counter and left shortly after, but not before flashing a bright grin back at his partner.
Kunikida sighed warmly, full of pride for his partner.
Now, to get those pens…
4.
Today was an oddly peaceful day, Kyouka mused.
Atsushi, Kunikida, Ranpo, and Kenji were all out on cases, as it had been a busy month, and there was also the odd factor of Dazai being strangely quiet, gazing out the window calmly. It was a nice break. The weather outside was relatively sunny for such a cloudy November. It would be good to go for a walk, perhaps.
Humming a tune to herself, Kyouka sifted through the internet for instructions on how to take care of bunnies. Her birthday had already passed a few days ago, but she hadn’t thought to ask for a bunny back then. She got a very nice bunny plushie she had asked for, as well as a bouquet of hydrangeas and a large collection of snacks, but it wouldn’t hurt to have an actual bunny as well.
She’d have to save up money, maybe by doing chores for Fukuzawa… or, she could beg Atsushi, which would cost much less time and effort (and money). She was fully aware of his weakness to her puppy eyes and could easily use it to her advantage.
Absorbed in her plotting, she almost didn’t notice Dazai’s attempt at scaring her - but her assassin sense hadn’t dulled over time, and her gaze snapped up to where the man was sneaking towards her. Her gaze was impassive, as it always was.
Dazai didn’t look surprised at being caught. The mischievous glint in his eye was the same one she noticed on him whenever he asked Atsushi to do something for him, either his dirty work or something deeply embarrassing for a prank.
She wouldn’t fall for any of his tricks. He probably knew that, too.
“ Kyouka~ ” He began to singsong, and Kyouka considered putting her earmuffs on to just ignore him.
“Can you go shopping with me? I need a birthday present for my husband! It’s next week! Yosano takes you shopping sometimes, right? Help me out, please ?”
Shockingly, Dazai was full-on begging her for this, trying to put on his most innocent expression. Except for once, this seemed like an actually innocent request. He seemed genuine, so she didn’t suspect some kind of catch. There weren’t really any downsides to the request anyway, and it would be a nice excuse for a walk, so Kyouka nodded and pocketed her phone, choosing to ignore his squealing thank yous.
As she got up to leave, Yosano caught her eye and furiously gestured at her phone.
Oh, right. The ADA had a groupchat entirely dedicated to complaining about Dazai that had recently been repurposed for trying to figure out who Dazai’s husband was. She had been invited to it, but she hadn’t contributed anything to their mindless theorising yet. Yosano probably wanted her to report anything she found out about the mystery spouse to the groupchat.
Maybe she would, but she didn’t really see any point in it.
They both exited the silent agency without issue, Dazai practically skipping along with excitement. Once they were down in the cafe, Dazai quickly ordered a cupcake for them both - chocolate for Dazai and strawberry for Kyouka. While the cupcake was one of the better ones she’d eaten, it wasn't as good as her homemade ones, she thought, but finished it quickly regardless.
When they were out of the building, Dazai offered out a hand tentatively, a question on his face.
She understood - if they held hands, they would look like father and daughter, or perhaps siblings, and were therefore less likely targets of an attack. She had been taught this in her assassin training; parents and older siblings are often very protective of their children or younger siblings, and therefore more ferocious and dangerous when cornered. Even if they didn’t look alike, family members that were not related by blood were no exception.
Dazai used to be in the Port Mafia too, like her, so he most likely was taught this as well. It was the most logical decision to accept, so she took his free hand quietly.
For a moment, as they walked towards the nearby mall on foot, she thought about Dazai’s expression when he offered his hand.
There was something else in his expression, other than simply considering safety. Like an offering of friendship. They had grown somewhat closer over the years, and she could tell he harboured some sort of protectiveness for her, but it resembled something that reminded her of shame , almost.
He was like the opposite of Akutagawa, who was angry at her for something close to that kind of shame.
She wondered for a moment if those were connected.
Shaking herself out of her thoughts, she tried to enjoy the view of the blue sky above and the fluffy clouds scattered across it. She wouldn’t waste this nice walk on brooding about those kinds of things.
And besides, it felt nice to be in the light.
Once the mall was in view, Dazai grinned at her and squeezed her hand, something genuine flashing in his eyes.
He seems quite excited about this.
Kyouka simply squeezed his hand back in response, and they both quickened the pace and entered the building.
“So, what kind of things do you want to get for your husband?” Kyouka asked as she scanned the surrounding shops, not commenting on Dazai’s hand still squeezing hers.
“Well, I wanted to get him something warm and fluffy, since he’s always cold… and a tactical video game that we can play together if we get bored of chess. And something extra, maybe. I’ve never been very good at picking birthday gifts.”
Kyouka considered this for a moment, trying to remember good shops she’d been to…
“Oh. There’s a nice shop for things like beds and blankets we went to when Kenji broke his bed. There’s a few different things there, and they’re all very warm and fluffy. Let’s start there.”
Dazai nodded enthusiastically at this, and Kyouka led him through the mall, not bothering to look back to see if he was following, but aware of his presence behind her.
“You know why I picked you and not Yosano?” Dazai asked once they were nearly there, Kyouka slowing down so they could walk side by side.
“No.” But she could guess.
“ You won’t bother me with invasive questions,” he answered with a wink. So exactly as she had guessed, then.
“There’s no point. You won’t answer, or it would make everyone very uncomfortable and tired while getting you to do so. It’s easier to just let you have your secrets until you’re too excited to hide them,” she explained truthfully.
Dazai nodded gravely as if she had told a dire secret of the world, and they continued in silence until she came to stop in front of the shop. “Here,” she said simply, and they made their way inside.
She loosened her grip on Dazai’s hand so that he could explore more freely, and immediately he was tugging her hand around the place like an excited child, gawking at king-sized beds and cute pyjamas.
He stopped suddenly at the nightgowns aisle and let out a gasp, pulling out a long flowy white one that nearly resembled a dress.
“KYOUKA! Isn’t this pretty?”
“Very.”
“I know, right? Oh, he’ll look so pretty in this! No, he’s always pretty! He’ll look angelic in this, yes that sounds more right! And he’ll love it too, I always see him gazing at those white dresses, and I heard him mention wanting to buy a skirt, yes, yes, I should buy this…”
Dazai rambled to himself, excitedly tapping his feet, and Kyouka sighed to herself contentedly.
It turns out she would not be sharing any information with the groupchat; seeing the man’s clear affection for his partner made her feel more obliged to respect their privacy, somehow. They should be allowed to have their peace.
After he had calmed down a bit, Dazai hummed thoughtfully to himself, turning to Kyouka with an almost-frown.
“Hm… this isn’t particularly fluffy or warm though, is it? I’ll get it for him, but I’ll need something else as well. Do you have advice, Kyouka?”
She considered it for a moment.
“Do you think he needs more clothing or blankets, or something else? Is he particularly big on touch, and if so, do you think he would like something to hug while you’re away, since you’re on cases so often?”
Dazai’s eyes widened for a moment, before his face scrunched up in thought again.
“He does have a lot of clothes, though he usually wears the same outfit… our bed is covered in layers and layers of blankets, so he wouldn’t need any more of those urgently… ah, he does tend to be very huggy when I’ve been out for a while! What would you recommend for… the second thing?”
Kyouka’s eyes narrowed for a moment.
“Is your husband one to be hurt by or vulnerable to the opinions of others?”
“Nope, he’s pretty shameless about everything… why?”
Kyouka sighed again. This might take some convincing… this would be considered childish by many stubborn adults, after all.
“Well, if that’s the case, I think getting him a big stuffed animal would be smart. There’s no shame in having one as an adult, and if he gets touchy when he’s missed you, he would probably appreciate a substitute of sorts. A plushie is good because he’ll need something more comforting than a simple pillow, but not to the extent that you’re being replaced.”
Dazai’s eyes widened again, before a grin broke out on his face, and he let out an excited squeak.
“Yes, yes! You’re a genius, Kyouka, he’d love that! Show me to the plushie aisle!”
Kyouka nodded, leading the way to the plushie aisle, feeling very pleased.
Once they were there, surrounded by fluffy animal plushies of all sizes and shapes, Kyouka turned to Dazai.
“What animals does he-”
Stopping in the middle of her sentence, Kyouka’s eyes widened. Dazai was clutching a massive stuffed black rat that was almost his height, pointing to it wildly with his free hand.
“Look, Kyouka! His favourite animal! It’s perfect!”
Letting out yet another sigh, Kyouka nodded, leading him back to the counter.
She was glad he seemed to like whoever-it-was so much. She hadn’t seen him this excited since he had overtaken Ranpo’s high score on a mobile game a few months back (especially since Yosano bet him he couldn’t do it, and she had bet a lot of money).
Whoever-it-was must be very special to him.
Once the items were purchased (Dazai carrying both the massive plushie and the bag with the nightgown in it, insisting that she was already doing him a favour), the two of them wandered over to a video game shop Kyouka had recommended to him.
Something tactical, he said…
“Oh. I’ve seen Poe and Ranpo playing this one. Poe always loses. It’s a tactical RPG, I think. With vampires.”
Dazai grinned at the selection, and nodded at her for her to take it up to the counter.
Once it was bought (though it took a lot of fumbling around because of Dazai’s other purchases), Kyouka placed it in the nightgown bag, earning a grateful nod from Dazai, and they started to make their way out of the mall, but Dazai suddenly nudged her in the direction of an… ice cream stand?
“As a reward for being so helpful to me today! You can use my wallet, it’s in there.”
Kyouka blinked up at Dazai, a smaller grin on his face. This time, it seemed less out of fondness for whoever-it-was or pure excitement, but more for her specifically .
She simply nodded in response, hurrying off to get a strawberry ice cream as Dazai watched her carefully, like a kind of wary bodyguard. After she returned with her ice cream (and Dazai’s wallet), they made their way to the exit.
While they were walking, Kyouka prepared herself to say something risky, half out of genuine affection and half because she wanted to see Dazai’s reaction. Like a prank, of sorts. Kyouka didn’t do many pranks.
“I think whoever-it-is must be very lucky to have you, Dad.”
And at the impact of those words, Dazai halted suddenly beside her, nearly falling over with surprise (and the weight of the presents).
Struggling to find the right words and also struggling to keep himself from falling, Dazai looked the very definition of unbalanced in this moment.
Keeping her innocent facade on, she blinked owlishly at him, still licking at her ice cream.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“No, no actually! You can, uh, you can call me that if you want! I was just surprised,” Dazai stammered, still incredibly shocked.
Kyouka nodded seriously, and after a minute’s break from the walk, they made it back to the agency. Dazai suddenly stepped a foot in the other direction, explaining he had to get the presents back to his apartment so that Yosano doesn’t see, and after an exchanging of goodbyes, Dazai was walking off somewhere and Kyouka entered the agency alone.
Hurrying over to Kyouka, Yosano at first begged her for clues about whoever-it-was, but after a moment she seemed to pick up on the serious atmosphere from the girl and left it alone. She didn’t seem surprised by the absence of Dazai, snorting something about him being a ‘mysterious irresponsible weirdo’.
Kenji and Ranpo returned not long after, and Kyouka approached the both of them with an idea, a determined look on her face.
“Kenji, Ranpo. Help me make a birthday card for Dazai’s husband. Don’t let the other agency members know, it’s a secret. We’ll give it to Dazai tomorrow so he can pass it on.”
Kenji and Ranpo accepted easily, and the three of them started on their hard work.
This is going to need a lot of glitter , Kyouka thought.
5.
Shouting at the bartender for another, Dazai growled to himself, glaring very pointedly at Yosano’s smug grin.
Ranpo shook his head at the sight. Yosano had wanted to get Dazai drunk so he’d talk about his whoever-it-was, so she had bet him that he couldn’t drink more than her without passing out and they had a fearsome competition. Except, Yosano’s glasses were filled with regular water whereas Dazai’s were filled with actual hard alcohol.
Definitely not the most ethical solution, but Yosano was nothing if not ruthless when it came to something she wanted for herself. Ranpo didn’t think he could stop her if he tried, so he settled for simply watching the shitshow.
Dazai’s face was flushed red by now, his eyes hazy, but he fiercely gulped down another shot. His alcohol tolerance was high, admittedly, but he had never been so determined to beat the (completely unaffected) Yosano. This was probably going to end up in disaster, Ranpo thought, but at least Dazai was probably at the point where he wouldn’t remember it in the morning.
“Dazai,” Yosano crooned, a toothy grin on her face, “why don’t you ever talk about your husband? It would be nice to have him with us for these kinds of things, don’t you agree?”
Dazai’s piercing glare turned into a petulant frown, and he let out a long, deep sigh.
“I can’t talk about him with the agency, though… we’d get introuble…” he muttered, scowling to himself.
“Oh?” Yosano raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?”
“I’d gethim into trouble… he’sa horribly dangerous criminal, see… pretty one, too… and I’m a detective ! Can you believe that?” Dazai’s words were slurring together, and Yosano’s eyes widened with surprise when she noticed the watery glimmer on his eyes, which he quickly tried to wipe away, but both of them had seen.
“I had to threaten Ango to keep it secret… can’t tell anyone, no… I need to stay with him!”
Within seconds, tears were flowing down Dazai’s face, who sniffed a bit and covered his face with his hands, whimpering quietly. Yosano froze slack-jawed at this, and even Ranpo was stunned silent at this. They probably should do something about this, but the shock of seeing Dazai crying had them frozen in their seats.
“And… he’s so pretty andsweet, and sometimes an asshole… it’s so nice to just be with him at home… It took so long for us to get here! We’re married! I can’t ruin it, mustn’t ruin it… he said not to worry too much about it, but I can’t… I can’t… it’s too perfect. I love him so much… it has to be perfect.” Dazai was fully sobbing now, letting out occasional whimpers and ragged breaths.
“And I-” Dazai began again, but Yosano quickly jumped up, silencing Dazai with a soft look.
“Dazai. Why don’t we get you home, yeah?”
Dazai simply sniffed and nodded, muttering out a “don’t tell the agency”, and Yosano turned sharply to Ranpo.
“Ranpo. I know you already know who it is, so help him call him to pick him up, and I’ll just go home, got it? I don’t want him to spill any more in my presence, I’ll let him have his privacy.”
And just like that, Yosano turned on her heel and was out of the building. It was a rare sight, to see her humbled like this.
Ranpo turned to Dazai, scanning his face carefully as he figured out the best course of action.
“Hey, Dazai. Can you open your phone for me? I’m gonna call your husband and he’s going to pick you up, alright? I won’t tell the agency.” Ranpo cringed at how soft his voice sounded - he didn’t want to seem that comforting - and Dazai nodded, passing his open phone to Ranpo and hugging his knees to his chest.
Digging through Dazai’s contacts for a moment, Ranpo opened one titled ‘dearest mouse’ that felt right, and called the contact.
It only rang once before the husband picked up, and Ranpo quickly cut in before the other could speak.
“I’m not Dazai, I’m a friend - the genius detective from the agency. I already know, but I’m not telling anyone. Dazai here is drunk and needs to be picked up. I know you freaks both have trackers on each other’s phones, so just get here, got it? I’ll stay with him until you get here. He’s been crying about how much he loves you.”
There was silence on the other side for a moment, before he - the husband - let out a breathy chuckle.
“I’ll be there in a few minutes or so. Thank you,” the man said before he hung up.
While waiting, Ranpo quickly texted the ‘complaining about Dazai’ groupchat that he had something important they needed to discuss, before pocketing his phone and turning to check on Dazai.
He seemed to have zoned out for a second, but snapped to Ranpo’s gaze suddenly, his eyes wide.
“Is mouse coming?” Dazai said in a whisper, sounding very small.
Ranpo nodded, and Dazai’s eyes widened even further, before he beamed sunnily, though there were still very visible tear stains on his face.
Still hugging his knees, Dazai began rocking back and forth like an excited child, before whispering quietly to himself, thinking no one could hear.
“I like mouse.”
Ranpo quickly nudged Dazai when the doors of the bar opened to reveal the man in question. Standing up with a jolt, Dazai stumbled his way over to his husband where they pulled each other into a tight embrace, muttering some sort of quiet secrets to each other.
Ranpo smiled at this.
This is the first time I’ve seen him so affectionate.
I have to tell the agency to leave them alone. Dazai would appreciate that.
Though, he’ll owe me a cake for this.
+1
The agency this morning was quiet again, but this time it was more awkward than comforting.
Ranpo had told the others last night that Dazai’s husband was a dangerous criminal and that it was probably best to leave the two of them alone, which was met with wariness from the agency members. Kunikida was reluctant about this at first, something about ‘letting a criminal like that run loose in the city’ - though Ranpo had reassured that he had mellowed down some after being committed to Dazai, and that Dazai had ‘consulted a government official (referring to Dazai threatening Ango) to make sure they wouldn’t get in trouble and trying to arrest them would in fact be unlawful’. Kunikida agreed after that, but wasn't entirely sold; Ranpo couldn't blame him for that.
When Dazai came in earlier in the day, he could tell immediately that the rest of the agency knew something more than what he had told them himself, and chose to stay quiet, absentmindedly folding paper aeroplanes.
Shifting in his seat, Atsushi wondered what to say to him. Dazai was obviously on edge - he should probably comfort him, right?
Just as he opened his mouth to say something, Kenji suddenly jumped up in his seat and shouted out to Dazai.
“Dazai! Why don’t you bring him to work?”
Caught off-guard from the question, Dazai blinked slowly at the kid.
“What on earth do you mean, Kenji?”
“Your husband! We all know he’s a criminal now and we’ve agreed not to interfere, so what’s the harm?” Kenji chirped, still as cheery as ever.
“Oh… I can’t really do that Kenji, I’m sure you’d all hate me if you saw who it was,” Dazai replied with a nervous laugh.
Atsushi’s eyebrows furrowed at this. Why would they ever hate him for that? Why would he assume that?
“No we wouldn’t, Dazai. We’ve all seen how much happier you’ve been with him, and I really don’t think we could hate you for being happy , really. Even if he’s a horrible person, if he makes you this happy I don’t think he’s so terrible in the first place,” Atsushi added, a serious expression on his face.
Dazai’s eyes widened at this, but he stayed silent, deep in thought. Atsushi’s frown deepened. Kyouka nodded at Atsushi’s words, agreeing silently.
Fukuzawa, who had just wandered out of his office a minute or so ago for tea, looked at Dazai curiously. He was updated on the whole situation as well, and he had a trick up his sleeve.
“Dazai,” he said seriously, “what day is it?”
“...Monday?”
Fukuzawa shook his head solemnly, regarding Dazai with a wary look.
“It is ‘Bring Your Significant Other To Work Day’. Did you know that?”
He was just spewing bullshit, he knew, but he was aware of Dazai’s respect for him. This could work if he played his cards right.
Dazai’s eyes narrowed in suspicion.
“No, I didn’t know that…” he muttered, taking out his phone, presumably to google it.
“Dazai. No phones during work,” Fukuzawa commanded, trying his best to look like an intimidating leader.
Dazai rolled his eyes at this, but he tucked it into his pocket anyway. Good, he was getting somewhere then.
“As I said, it is ‘Bring Your Significant Other To Work Day’. You happen to be the only one here with a significant other, I believe? It would be a great shame if no one in this agency brought anyone, would it not? Even if your husband is of the… shady sort, you could make an exception for today, is that right?”
Dazai looked surprised at this, but eventually nodded reluctantly. He probably knew it was all made-up bullshit, but he must respect Fukuzawa enough to listen to him if it seemed desperate enough. That’s good if that’s the case, Fukuzawa thought.
“Ah, right, of course… I’ll just text him to see if he’s ok with it,” Dazai chuckled nervously, pulling his phone out to text him. Kyouka shuffled next to him to look over his shoulder, and he let her - perhaps if it was anyone else, he would shove them away, but Kyouka was trustworthy.
bandages
11:42am
heyhey mouse (⌒▽⌒)☆
coworkers are pretty eager to meet you btw. even knowing yknow.
(they dont know youre YOU you but close)
should we do it? my boss even LIED to me to get you to come lmao
he doesnt usually do that. i think? (￣ω￣;)
dearest mouse
11:45am
Is that something you want?
I’m fine with it if you’re fine with it.
bandages
11:45am
i think so? it would be so nice if they supported us (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡
if they dont, though…
scary 〣( ºΔº )〣
dearest mouse
11:45am
Osamu, they couldn’t stop us if they tried.
It’s probably better to do it now anyway. Think of it as ripping a bandaid off.
I’ll be there in 10 minutes. Meet me just outside the cafe.
bandages
11:46am
seeyou then!!! ♡ ～('▽^人)
Breaking into a grin, Dazai leapt up and hurried out the door and down the stairs, leaving the agency whispering in anticipation. Just who could it be? Who had charmed the fickle Dazai, who hated commitments, and who would choose to stay with him, with everything that he is?
After a little while of waiting, footsteps echoed from behind the door, and the agency huddled together, staring expectantly at the door where the mysterious couple would be emerging.
And then, stepping out of the door, holding hands with Dazai, was none other than…
…
“FYODOR???”
The agency’s most dangerous enemy, wearing casual clothes that were likely haphazardly pulled on due to the short notice, holding hands with Dazai , and shooting him tender looks that should probably be reserved just for them.
Dazai looked relatively concerned about how the agency would react, but Fyodor seemed relatively unfazed by all of this, nodding at the shocked agency before caressing Dazai’s worried face with his free hand, earning him a peck on the cheek - much to the horror of the agency watching.
Dazai, who thanks to the effort of his husband, was no longer freaked out about this, waved shyly at the agency.
“Yeah, I warned you guys…” He giggled, before wrapping an arm around Fyodor’s torso and pulling him close, who giggled as well in return.
Dazai’s coworkers still stood, frozen and silent, staring at the couple with varying expressions of horror and shock, except for little Kyouka, rummaging around in her desk to find something before walking up to the couple calmly.
“You two are cute,” she said matter-of-factly, and handed Fyodor the last of her homemade chocolate cupcakes, who muttered out a soft thanks. Satisfied, she made her way to her desk and continued working as if nothing had happened.
Recovering from the surprise fairly quickly, Kenji waved enthusiastically at the couple. “It’s so nice to meet you, mister Dazai’s husband! You should come by the agency more often!”
Yosano sighed a bit to herself, looking thoughtful. “I am grateful to you, despite your… previous endeavours. Dazai doesn’t try to hurt himself nearly as much anymore thanks to you. So thanks for that.”
Ranpo’s face split into a wide grin. “I have to congratulate you for dealing with Dazai every day , rat. I don’t think I’d last a minute.”
Kunikida scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I suppose I can tolerate it, since the idiot has stopped with those disruptive double suicide invitations.”
Fukuzawa nodded simply. “I’m proud of you two.”
Finally, after a moment of silence, Atsushi made his way to the pair, looking solemn for a moment before the sunniest of smiles broke out on his face.
“Fyodor, you make him really happy, y’know? Keep taking care of him, alright?”
A warm smile made its way onto Fyodor’s face, and he nodded at Atsushi, who nodded back happily and skipped his way over to his desk.
Dazai too made his way to his desk, Fyodor settling down next to him with a book from the shelf. Despite the leaning on each other and occasional embrace or chaste kiss, Dazai seemed to be getting more work done than the rest of the agency had ever seen him do.
Kunikida shook his head with a grunt. “If Fyodor can make the bastard this productive, we should get him to come into the office every day.”