Archive of Our Own ^beta

He looked lovely. 

Wearing his oversized pale yellow cardigan, simple white t-shirt, and light-wash jeans.

His hair was blond again, nearly white, and even with the chemical torture it had been subjected to during the bleaching process, it still managed to retain its shine and softness. It brushed along the edge of his nape, curling around his neck, and his bangs fell into his eyes. 

He looked lovely.

With the blinding smile on his face, bright and white and everything perfect. Freckles bare for the world to see. Eyes dark and sparkly in the way that made you feel like he knew more about you than you did yourself. It was the kind of look reserved for the people he loved, because if he was anything, it was astutely observant. 

He looked lovely. 

As he helped a lonesome halmeoni cross the street, holding her bags of groceries in one hand and offering her his arm with the other. He was laughing at something she said, blushing when she pinched his cheek and patted the side of his head, smiling widely as he waved her off after he’d aided her onto a bus. 

He looked lovely. 

When he rushed into the cafe with a flushed face and eyes that filled with excitement when they landed on him. When he made his way through the secluded table by the window, shoving himself into the chair across from him. 

“Sorry I’m late,” he said, a little breathless, a little winded, but his lips were still pulled up into that damned smile and Hyunjin found that he couldn’t even process the words that left them. “Had to take a quick little detour.”

But Hyunjin just stared at him, drank him in like the watered-down americano on the table in front of him. Head tilted to the side ever so slightly, and when it became clear that he was stuck in the thoughts in his mind, Felix took to copying him. 

Now, with the two of them gazing into each other’s eyes like lovestruck fools, to any passerby it would appear as if the pair were engaged in an intense staring contest. But it was only a few seconds before Felix erupted in a fit of giggles, unable to uphold the silly position anymore. 

Hyunjin felt something come to life within his heart again as the sound surrounded him in their little bubble away from the world. He felt his lips push into a smile of their own free will, eyes crescenting as he laughed softly with him. And when he felt Felix’s tiny hand curl over his own atop the table, he could have sworn his heart leapt from his chest. 

He flipped his hand over so that he could run his thumb along Felix’s knuckles, relishing in the impossible velvet-like softness of his skin. Felix’s eyes strayed to where their hands were entwined, and an endearing blush coated his cheeks.

“Hi,” he said finally. Fondly. Quietly. 

Felix squeezed his fingers around Hyunjin’s, his thumb fidgeting with the simple silver band around his left ring finger as he met Hyunjin’s gaze. 

“Hi.”

“I’ve missed you,” Hyunjin admitted wistfully. 

“Me, too,” responded Felix in return. “Things have been so crazy at the hospital. Who knew rotations would be so… time consuming?”

“You did, Lix.”

Felix’s eyes widened, “ah, I guess so. Remind me again why I let you convince me to go to med school?”

Hyunjin grinned, shaking his head. “Because you love helping people. And for some weird reason I still don’t understand, are completely unphased seeing a cadaver or blood or any of the other nausea-inducing bodily fluids we human beings possess.”

Clicking his tongue, Felix’s eyes strayed towards their hands, and more specifically to Hyunjin’s ring that his thumb was still fiddling with. “Well, it may be weird to you, but at least I’m not the one who passes out when I see the smallest pinprick of blood.”

“Yah!”

Felix giggled again, gently pulling his hand from Hyunjin’s loose grip just as one of the baristas approached their table with a fresh order. Raising a questioning brow towards Hyunjin, who just winked at him as he accepted the treats from her hand and placed them in front of the blond. 

Bowing slightly, the barista then took her leave. 

“What’s this?” asked Felix. 

“Our drinks. And an assortment of baked goods I thought you would particularly enjoy.”

Felix clasped his hands together, squealing quietly in excitement as he let out a dramatic “oh, you know me so well. I think I might just have the best fiancé on the planet…”

“Might?! You most certainly do!” Hyunjin crossed his arms over his chest, feigning hurt as Felix stabbed the lid of his way-too-sweet, blended-with-ice coffee beverage and took a hefty sip. 

His eyes rolled to the back of his skull as he slumped in his seat, “God, I needed that.”

“Isn’t that thing like, eighty percent sugar?”

Felix nodded, an all too proud expression on his face as he took another sip. “That’s what makes it so good,” he said after he swallowed. “Hits the spot. Mhm.” 

“You and your sweet tooth,” murmured Hyunjin. 

“You and your aversion to sugar, Hwang-ssi,” retorted Felix, nodding towards his second cup of nasty, boring, bitter, iced americano . 

“How can I have an aversion to sugar when the sweetest thing on earth is all mine?”

Felix choked on his muffin, eyes going wide as he stared at Hyunjin, who just sat there and failed miserably at quelling his mirth. “Hyunjin!”

“What?” he asked innocently. 

“You can’t just-you can’t just say these things…”

“And why not?”

Blanching, Felix wiped at the corner of his mouth with a napkin, blinking rapidly. His cheeks were still tinged pink, and Hyunjin desired so badly to lay a kiss upon the heated skin. “It is… entirely inappropriate. Yes. Inappropriate.”

He cleared his throat, bringing his eighty percent sugar coffee back to his mouth. 

Hyunjin raised a brow, reaching over the table to thumb at the corner of Felix’s plush lips, brushing away the near-nonexistent remnants of crumbs that he missed. 

“It’s inappropriate to dote upon my fiancé?”

“N-no, just…God, if you say things like that I’ll-I’ll cry . In public. Do you want me to cry in public?”

Hyunjin smiled, cupping his hand around Felix’s cheek, long fingers stroking the jut of his cheekbone. “Of course not, my love.”

Tsking, the blond slapped Hyunjin’s hand from his face and retrieved the neglected muffin from his plate. 

Watching him with poorly concealed adoration, Hyunjin downed a fair amount of his own drink, savouring the simplicity of the blend, its rich undertones and barely-there hints of vanilla. Felix made a disgusted face at him, charading vomiting. 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, though there was nothing biting about the action. He grabbed a fork, digging into the slice of cheesecake he’d ordered.

“Good?”

He hummed in satisfaction, going in for a second serving, and then a third. He was midway to a fourth when Felix’s voice cut through his reverie. 

“Can I try?” 

Hyunjin nodded as he swallowed, bringing the fork to Felix’s lips. Once his mouth closed around the utensil, Hyunjin sat back, awaiting his reaction. 

Felix’s eyes lit up with wonder, and he opened his mouth for another bite. Hyunjin scoffed, but he obliged, surrendering the remainder of his cheesecake to the light of his life.

“Oh, that was good.”

“Do you want more?”

Felix shook his head. “Nah, I’m kinda full.”

“We can take some to go, then.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence soon after, finishing off their drinks and treats and relishing in the company of one another. Hyunjin couldn’t take his eyes off of Felix, couldn’t stop touching him in little, inconspicuous ways. A brush of his hand here, the gentle tapping of his feet against Felix’s there. 

“So…” began Felix, waggling his brows and breaking the quiet. “What’s the plan for today?”

“Ah, let’s see,” said Hyunjin, pulling out his phone. “Cafe date, check. Next up…an early viewing of that movie you wanted to see.”

Realisation began blooming on Felix’s ethereal face and when it did…it was glorious. 

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Hyunjin! No way!”

God, he loved him. 

“Yes, darling, believe it. Which reminds me, the show starts in thirty minutes so we have to go now!”

Felix nodded, gathering his trash and getting up from his seat. Hyunjin, the gentleman he was, took it from him, and threw it into the bin after separating the recyclables. 

They walked towards the door, but right as Felix pushed it open, Hyunjin gasped. “I’ll be right back!” 

Felix watched, confused, as his fiancé ran back into the cafe, wondering what in the hell that was about. 

But his perplexion was squashed when Hyunjin reappeared a few short minutes later, holding a neatly wrapped box in his hand. 

“Cheesecake!” he exclaimed excitedly. 

Felix stared open-mouthed at him, and then at the box, and then back at him. 

“You-”

“Don’t worry, we’ll make a quick pit stop at my place to drop it off and we’ll still have plenty of time to make it to the movie.”

“Hyunjin…”

When he looked down at Felix, he didn’t expect to see tears in his eyes. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked in a panic, abandoning the dessert on a nearby table outside. 

“Why are you crying? Do you-do you not want it? If you don’t want it I can-“

Felix shut him up by grabbing his shirt and pulling him into the tightest embrace imaginable. 

His arms immediately went around Felix’s shoulders, and he felt so small, so delicate. 

But he was crying so loudly that Hyunjin couldn’t help but laugh quietly into his hair. 

Not in a way that was ridiculing or mocking, mind you. 

Rather, in a way that was like “you are so fucking cute as you cry over cheesecake I’m gonna lose my mind.” 

That kind of way. 

“Don’t cry, Lix. Don’t cry, hm?” He rocked them side to side in a soothing manner, but his fiance showed no sign of relenting. 

“Lixie, baby, stop it…” he whispered softly against his temple, a giggly lilt to his tone. “That's enough, now. You’re okay, you’re okay…”

Felix sniffled, pulling his face from where he’d shoved it against Hyunjin’s chest. 

Face red and eyes puffy, Hyunjin thought he was beautiful. 

He wiped away some of the stray tears that clung to his long lashes, pushed back the hair that stuck to his forehead. “What happened, my love?” he asked, cradling Felix’s face in his palms. 

“I’ve just-hic-just m-missed you so muh-much.”

Hyunjin smiled, kissing his forehead, smoothing his hair down. “Oh, my love. Don’t cry over something like that. I’m right here. See?” He took one of Felix’s tiny hands in his, pressing it against his chest so that he could feel the dull thrum of his heart beneath his fingers. “Right here.”

Felix stared at their conjoined hands, a few more tears welling in his eyes as his lips trembled. 

“Always?” he asked. 

Hyunjin just stared at him.

Just stared. 

He looked lovely. 

In his pale yellow cardigan and light-wash jeans. 

In this moment caught in time. 

In his arms. 

“Yes,” he whispered. 

“Always.”

He pushed himself over the armrest that divided their seats, leaning as close to Hyunjin as possible. 

“I just realised something,” he whispered into his ear, quiet enough as to not disturb the people around them.

“What’s that?” Hyunjin mouthed in return. 

“This movie…it feels like a movie I’ve seen before.”

Hyunjin raised a brow, “how so?”

Felix bit his lip, putting his hand next to his mouth against Hyunjin’s ear. “Well, I think if someone made a movie about us, it would be just like this.” 

He sat back in his seat, gazing at Hyunjin with sparkly eyes, a mischievous grin on his lips that made the apples of his cheeks all the more pronounced. 

Hyunjin was starstruck. 

Felix turned back towards the screen, face still adorned with that damned smile. 

And his eyes…

The soft curves that came together to form his profile.

He looked lovely. 

So lovely, in fact, that for the next hour and forty-three minutes, Hyunjin didn’t look at the screen once.

“Was it supposed to rain?”

“No! Definitely not!”

Felix laughed, using his arms as a makeshift umbrella as they ran to Hyunjin’s car. 

They threw themselves in, gasping for air and soaked to the bone. 

“Insane. Absolutely insane,” Felix murmured breathlessly. “Your car!”

Hyunjin waved it off, reaching towards the backseat for his gym bag. He unzipped it, pulling out a towel. 

Felix raised a brow. 

“It’s clean, I promise.”

He then draped it over Felix’s head and violently rubbed it between his hands, drying the sopping blond strands as Felix sputtered in indignation. “Yah!”

Hyunjin sniggered, continuing to smother his fiance with the fluffy white towel. 

He pulled it away, bursting into a full-bellied laugh as Felix’s face came into view–all mussed hair pointing in every which way, face red and a heavy glare set in place. 

The pout on his lips was precious. And it made his beloved’s irritation all the more amusing because while he tried to look intimidating, he just…

Well, he looked like an angry, wet chick. 

Like one of the plushies he bought Felix way back on their third date. He looked exactly like it at this very moment. 

“Was that fun for you?” asked the blond, snatching the towel from Hyunjin’s hands. 

Hyunjin, the smartest dumbass in existence, nodded confidently. “Ten out of ten would do it again.”

Felix clicked his tongue, licking his bottom lip. 

“You-” whack “are-” whack “so-” whack “lucky-” whack “that I love you-” whack “Hwang Hyunjin!”

He couldn’t stop laughing, even as he was attacked ruthlessly by a rain-sodden towel at the hands of an aggrieved Australian. 

“I am!” he conceded. “I am the luckiest man in the universe!”

Felix stopped, breathing heavily. 

“And don’t you forget it!”

“I don’t want to leave…” 

Hyunjin glanced at Felix, who was gazing out of the rain-splattered window with an obvious slouch to his shoulders. 

“But I have to go. Ugh.”

“You can stay over at mine tonight. You know I don’t mind.”

Felix sighed, shaking his head. “Can’t. Got an exam in three days and I haven’t even begun revising.”

Hyunjin frowned even though he understood, knowing how gruelling Felix’s study routine was.  

“Well, I’ll see you right after though, yeah?”

Felix smiled, nodding. “Not even a question.”

He went to open the door, but was stopped immediately. 

Hyunjin held his hand between his, reluctant to let go. 

The blond laughed lightly, “you gotta let go of me, Hyune.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“When do you ever?”

“Stay. Please?” 

Felix sighed, turning his body towards Hyunjin. He leaned his head against the headrest, eyes overflowing with love as he laid his other hand on top of Hyunjin’s. “You know I can’t,” he whispered sadly.

Hyunjin didn’t know what it was. The ache in his heart, it…

“Hey!” exclaimed Felix, sitting up in the seat.

“What is it?” asked Hyunjin, panic building in his chest.

“Look around. The car. The rain. My apartment building…”

Hyunjin’s brows drew together. “I…don’t understand.”

Felix sighed, exasperated. “You dummy, these are the exact conditions we shared our first kiss in.”

Eyes widening, Hyunjin’s mouth fell open. 

“Don’t tell me you forgot…”

He shook his head quickly, waving his hand wildly about. “No, no! I just…you–it’s so lovely to be sitting here with you. I can’t even think of anything else other than you right now. Right in front of me.”

Felix’s gaze softened as he pushed himself closer to the console. “Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because you are lovely. My sunshine. My life.”

The blond groaned quietly, forcing himself to look away from the elder, though Hyunjin caught the glimmer of tears in his eyes. “You really want to make me cry today, don’t you?”

“Maybe,” he teased. 

“God, Hwang Hyunjin. Cut it out.”

“Only if you kiss me.”

Felix cast a sideways glance towards him, huffing in faux annoyance. 

“Just like that night.”

The blond brushed away his tears, nodding. 

“Just like that night,” he repeated, turning towards Hyunjin again. He leaned over the console, meeting Hyunjin halfway. The elder cupped his neck, ran his thumb along his jaw.

“Felix?” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

“You are so beautiful.” 

The blond blushed, tears glistening once again in his bottomless eyes. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Felix nodded, letting a few drops fall from his eyes as their lips met in a reverent embrace. 

When they parted for air, Felix pressed his forehead against Hyunjin’s, breathing heavily. His eyes fluttered shut, and more tears escaped from his eyes. 

“Hyunjin?”

“Yeah?” Hyunjin responded, and Felix felt a tear that wasn’t his own splash against his hand. 

“I love you.”

Hyunjin pulled away, slotting his lips against Felix’s forehead as tears silently dripped down his chin and into the fabric of his shirt. He held his head gently between his hands while Felix held onto his wrists, and in that moment it hit him just how perfectly they fit against one another.

“I love you, too.”

Felix lifted his head, all shining eyes and a reddened nose. But the smile was still there. It was still there and it was just for Hyunjin. 

“I’ll see you soon,” he murmured against Hyunjin’s lips. 

Hyunjin nodded, delivering a final, swift kiss onto Felix’s lips. 

And then Felix was running out into the rain, towards the overhang outside of his apartment building. When he got there, he turned around, waving in big, dramatic swoops of his arms to Hyunjin, who just laughed and shook his head adoringly as he watched him enter the building. Safe. 

As he drove away, he couldn’t help but feel the ache grow deeper. 

There was only one place he could go that would help relieve it.

He turned left.

Hyunjin had memorised the path long ago. 

It was all still the same. The same smooth-edged pebbles, the same winding curves. 

It continued to rain for a while, but thankfully it had stopped, and the setting sun poked through the clouds, casting a golden hue on everything around him. 

He hummed quietly in time with the sounds of his boots clicking against the stones, and his face was peaceful. There was a smile there, soft and serene. 

He pushed open the small gate that led to his destination, and his smile grew wider. 

“Hey, Lixie,” he said, closing the gate behind him. He walked just a bit more, before crouching down onto the ground as he replaced the old bouquet of irises with a fresh one. 

“Brought your favourites. It’s their season, you know?” He laughed breathily, “of course you do, you know everything, don’t you?”

He brushed some of the damp dirt away from the base of Felix’s headstone. 

He sat down, staring at the smooth marble. 

The birds were out again. He could hear their chirping, even saw a small flock of them fly over his head. 

He took a deep breath. 

“I miss you,” he said.

His lips trembled. 

And he didn’t even mean for it to happen, but when the tears filled his eyes he was helpless to stop them from falling. “I miss you so much.”

He sniffled, wiped his nose with the back of his hand. 

Wrapping his arms around his knees, he let his head fall back as a cool breeze carried through the air, running through his hair and drying the tracks of tears down his cheeks.

He sat there for a while. Until his legs were numb and the early evening delved into night. He checked his watch, saw that there were a few messages from the man who he still considered to be his brother-in-law. 

Hyunjin clicked his contact. It rang a few times. And then a voice with such a familiar accent spoke a soft, “hello?”

“Hyung?”

“Oh, Jinnie! Hi.”

“You texted?”

“Yeah, Minho and I invited the boys over for dinner. Come. We want you to be here, too.”

“Alright. I’ll be there in a few.”

“Okay, see you then.”

“See you then.”

He hung up, eyes straying towards the headstone once again. 

His nose stung, but this time he felt he could keep the tears at bay. 

He leaned over, pressing his lips against the cold, lifeless stone. So different from the person who it was used to memorialise. 

Hyunjin kept them there for what seemed like ages. 

But he was wrong.

He could never keep his tears at bay when it came to Felix. 

When it came to the love of his life. 

“It was lovely to sit here with you, my love.”

He stood up, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. 

“I’ll see you next week, yeah?” 

He nodded to himself.

“I love you, Lee Felix.”

And then, he walked away. Leaving just another part of himself behind with his love. 

-

You kiss me in your car,

And it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before   

But it's not real,

And you don't exist,

And I can't recall the last time I was kissed

It hits me in the car,

And it feels like the end of a movie I've seen before

-