Archive of Our Own ^beta

    “November 2nd…we meet again, huh?”

    Nichelle Reynolds stared at her reflection in the mirror after her annual “day drinking binge.” Ever since the death of her high school sweetheart and father to her only child, Nichelle did her very best to forget about her traumatizing memories involving him. She drank to forget waking up next to Jason, kissing his cheek and telling him “good morning, my love,” only to realize that his chest wasn’t moving…and that his skin was cooler than normal. She drank to drown out the sound of her own shrill screaming of his name that played in her head like a demonic symphony on this day of all days. The hazel eyes Jason fell in love with years ago looked lifeless and red from her angry sobs, her usually “flawless” skin dry from her tears. She hated this day with a passion and wished for it to be over.

“Come on, Nelli. Would Jason like to see you like this?” The annoying thought floated through her mind, carrying a distorted version of her own raspy voice.

“He’s not here to stop me. So why should I care what he’d like? I’d like for him to be alive right now, but hey; we can’t all get what we want,” she sighed bitterly, directing her eyes down to her sink, where her hands were clutching the white marble as tightly as she could. “Fuck…I’m talking to myself again. I need to stop this shit…”

    Taking a moment to breathe in an attempt to clear her head, Nichelle started her skincare routine to at least look better than how she felt. She fought hard to withhold her tears as she remembered when she and Jason used to do their skincare together; he always loved doing sheet masks with her and giving her “dumpling cheeks” kisses once the masks were off. As she patted on her moisturizer, she bit her lip against hearing his phantom voice in her head.

“So, since you’re both Black and Asian…which saying do you stick to the most? Black don’t crack? Or Asian don’t raisin?” The memory played in her mind, bringing a soft, sad smile to her face.

“Both, because I’m both, dingus,” she whispered the answer from the past, taking a deep shuddering breath as the tears started again. “Goddamn it…”

    Those around Nichelle knew the significance of the day for her, and made arrangements to give her the alone time she desperately desired. Her mother, Asako, took her baby S’nai out for the day for fun with grandma, while Nelli’s grandmother, Hotaru, made rice and wine for the altar. She knew she needed to go downstairs and pray at his altar, but…she couldn’t bring herself to. Don’t be mad at me, okay? I just…can’t do this right now, she thought to herself, hoping that somehow the spirit of her deceased love would be able to hear her. She begrudgingly went to her bedroom, flopping down onto her bed face first. Her bedroom was a mess with clothes thrown haphazardly on the floor along with her daughter’s stuffed animals and random toys. Maybe once she was in a better headspace, she could distract herself with cleaning…maybe.

    All was silent in Nelli’s room for what felt like hours, so much so that the intoxicated woman nearly drifted into a post drinking depression nap. The serenity wasn’t to last for long, unfortunate for her. Her phone chimed with a loud text tone and flashing lights. Sober, sane Nelli usually kept her phone’s sound on, just in case her mom needed her when it came to S’nai; drunk, depressed Nelli wanted to kick Sober Nelli’s ass for this minor inconvenience to her slumber. Sighing in aggravation, she grabbed her phone, looking at the text message’s banner across her screen.

Ainsling, 2 PM

Hey, Nelli! I just wanted to check on you. Are you okay today?

    Nelli sighed, struggling to make a decision to either text back Ainsling on their group chat thread, or just ignore her like she had done everyone else that day. Ainsling Jones, Raven Smith, and Dameon Blackwell were her friends from The University of Texas at Austin. The quartet met in English class and quickly became inseparable. Nelli couldn’t remember when she told them about her previous relationship or how much she hated the 2nd of November, but she definitely didn’t expect any of them to remember the day and text her. At least pretend you’re okay and be nice to her.

Nichelle, 2:10 PM

Hey, Ains. I’m managing.

Dameon, 2:11 PM

Need us to do anything for you, Freckles? You don’t have to deal with this alone, you know.

Nichelle, 2:20 PM

Nah. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.

Raven, 2:21 PM

Are you sure?

Ainsling, 2:21 PM

We can come keep you company if you’d like.

Nichelle, 2:22 PM

I’m sure. I’m fine. I’m taking a nap. Ttyl.

    Nichelle put her phone on silent, tossed her phone away from her, and pulled her pillow over her head to try to catch that fleeting moment of slumber again. While she was aware that her friends likely cared about her, she just couldn’t make herself care at the moment. Maybe it was selfish of her to rebuff aid from her friends, but that would be a hurdle she’d get over when she felt better…if she ever felt better. Unknown to Nelli, her friends continued talking in their group chat, showing concern over their usually happier friend. They weren’t used to Nichelle being the downer of the group; then again, none of them could imagine the grief she dealt with.

Raven, 2:45 PM

I’m going over to her house in a minute. I know she doesn’t want company, but I wouldn’t feel right knowing she’s grieving all alone.

Dameon, 2:45 PM

How are you going to get into her house?

Raven, 2:46 PM

The last time I took her home, she told me where she left the spare key.

Ainsling, 2:46 PM

Isn’t this technically breaking and entering since she doesn’t want us there?

Raven, 2:47 PM

Details, details. It’ll be fine. Someone needs to be there for her today.

~*~

    True to his word, Raven went to visit his dear friend, and the woman he wished he could ask to be his girlfriend. To Ainsling and Dameon, it made sense for Raven to be the one to visit her; not only did they know how deep his feelings for her ran, they knew that Nelli typically listened to him more than she did others. With him, Raven brought along a bag of cookies that his father baked, her favorite sake, and her favorite food truck meal: birria tacos with extra consommé. He found the spare key under a fake rock in her mother’s garden, opening the door as quietly as he could.

“Nelli? Are you still here?” He called for her, waiting to see if she would come out of the kitchen or if she would emerge from upstairs. With the house totally silent, he figured she was still sleeping or just couldn’t hear him.

    Raven walked into her kitchen to place down his comfort gifts for her, noticing the nearly empty bottle of rum on the counter and one measly cup of half eaten ramen. Did she drink most of this on an empty stomach? He thought to himself, hoping that the girl of his dreams hadn’t done something so silly in order to deal with her grief. He waited a few moments more before heading up the stairs, looking for her room.

“Let’s see,” he murmured to himself, “if I remember correctly, her room should be right…here,” he opened the second closed door on the right side of the hallway, peeking his head in. Bingo.

    Raven could see Nelli lying on her side on her bed, her head under her pillow. He could see her chest slowly rising and falling, showing that she was fast asleep. The small smile that came to his face when he laid eyes on her quickly fell once he saw the state of her bedroom; it was a mess. He felt bad for her. He thought it likely that grief and depression kept her from caring about how the room looked.

“Don’t worry, Nelli…I’ll take care of this for you,” he whispered, knowing that she couldn’t hear him before he started to attempt to clean up her room.

    With Raven now busy and his eyes off of her, he failed to notice that she was stirring a bit in her slumber. If it was one thing Nelli never failed to do on the day of Jason’s death, it was dreaming about him and finding him dead. The night before he passed away, he had been the one to put their daughter into her bassinet on Nelli’s side of the bed, the baby girl completely milk wasted and sleeping soundly. Jason looked at his girlfriend with a smile on his face.

“Another win for Mommy. You know, you’re pretty good at this.”

“You think so? She was having a little trouble latching there for a second,” Nichelle sighed. “Now I’m all lonely.”

“Hey, you have me! I could take a-”

“I swear, if you joke with me about breastfeeding again, I’m putting you on the couch where your parents can see you,” Nichelle rolled her eyes at his laughter, smiling a bit when he finally joined her in bed again. “You have the alarm set for her, right?”

“Yep. We’ll sleep for about three hours and then feed her again. Come on, we’re used to this schedule by now!” Jason kissed her forehead. “I’ll try to get up first this time. You need rest.”

“And cuddles. Come here,” she pulled him down to lay with her, closing her eyes as he wrapped her in his embrace. “…I love you, Jason.”

“I love you too, Haru-chan,” he chuckled at her light smack to his chest. “Let’s get some shut eye.”

    Raven, who was making decent progress at cleaning the bedroom floor, paused when he heard what sounded like crying. He frowned, turning to look at Nelli, whose body seemed to shake a bit. Was she crying in her sleep? He went to her, gently putting his knee on the bed as he removed the pillow from off her head; her facial expression saddened him. Nelli’s face was scrunched in what appeared to be distress, the woman biting her lower lip. He weighed his options: waking her would likely startle her, but it had to be better than going through something that made her cry. He chose the option that would allow him to comfort her the best, gently shaking her.

“Hey…Nelli. Wake up,” he said in a soft voice.

    It took a minute, but Nelli’s eyes opened, the woman releasing a soft gasp. It’s not like she wasn’t used to being woken up by someone; S’nai frequently woke her mother up from her naps so they could play. This time was different though. Nelli’s mind hadn’t fully registered that she was out of dream mode, only partially registering Raven’s presence.

“Jason?” Her voice cracked.

    Before Raven could correct her, the smaller woman scrambled up enough to hug him tightly, crying hard into his chest. Hearing her crying and feeling her arms tightening around him broke Raven’s heart, her friend wrapping his arms around her to keep her close.

“Nelli, it’s me,” he told her in a soft voice. “It’s Raven.”

    Somehow her mind registered his voice, the woman pulling back to look up at him. “…Raven? What the hell are you doing here?”

“I was worried about you, Nel. I know you said you wanted to be alone, but…I think you need someone here with you right now,” he lifted his hands to wipe away her tears. “You don’t have to grieve alone.”

“How did you get in here? Are my…are my mother and S’nai back?” She asked, still emotional and confused.

“No, they’re still gone. I used the spare key,” he explained. “Do you want to talk about what made you cry in your sleep?”

    Nelli shook her head, resting her face back onto his wet shirt, hugging him tighter. Sane Nelli would yell at him for coming to her house without her permission later; sad, lonely Nelli would accept the intrusion for now. Raven held Nelli for as long as she’d let him, gently rubbing her hair and being a quiet comfort for her. He eventually convinced her to follow him downstairs so she could eat, the broken woman not putting up much of a fight. Raven felt himself smile when she spotted the birria and cookies he brought her, his smile growing when she smiled.

“Your dad made these for me?” Nelli asked him as she bit into a lemon cookie. “Why?”

“I asked him to. It gave him something to do since Lark and I are a bit burned out on sweets,” Raven leaned against the counter. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah…your dad bakes delicious sweets,” she replied, putting the cookie down to start on her tacos. “…thanks, Raven.”

“What, not going to cuss me out?” He teased her, watching as she rolled her eyes.

“Wait until I’m sober. You’re hard headed and stubborn, and this is quite intrusive, but…I appreciate it. Jason was the same way sometimes. I guess that’s how I ended up with S’nai.”

“Is it hard to believe that someone would be stubborn over you? You help everyone else…let us help you now, Nel.”

    Nelli looked at him as she silently ate her food, an argument against his words forming in her mind. She put her food down after a moment, sighing in defeat. “Just this once…I won’t argue with you, Raven. I’m too tired to argue. So you win this time.” She chuckled when he let out a happy cheer, shaking her head again. “Yeah, yeah…gloat about this victory for now. Tomorrow, it’ll be a different story.”

“We’ll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow happens. For now, let’s just enjoy each other’s company. I know today is hard for you, but…I want to help you feel a little happier today, if that’s okay.”

    Nelli nodded, smiling softly at him. “Yeah, Ray…that’s fine with me.”