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You could say Zizhen was starting to panic.
Which would be a massive understatement because he was quite sure he'd been furtively tearing himself apart for the last few weeks.
It was ridiculous, this was ridiculous, but ever since that goddamned sleepover –
What's more, there was another sleepover scheduled for just two days from now and Zizhen still hadn't figured out how he felt about the events of the last one.
Ling directed Fairy to the corner of the room towards her temporary cot with his index finger, a clear sign that he, too, was tired.
"Aiya, time for bed I think. . . the night is still young, but so are we! The Young Mistress Jin needs his beauty sleep, after all." Zizhen took Ling's glare, easily brushing it off.
"Mn." Sizhui got up, pulling a whining Jingyi with him. They were already in their assigned quarters, two extra cots squished into the room for their guests.
The four were mostly silent as they waited their turn behind the pingfeng, but once they were all sitting, ready to say their last goodnights, Jingyi noticed something.
"Aa, Sizhui – you forgot to take your headband off."
The teenager looked temporarily stunned at his carelessness, before he smiled a thank you at Jingyi, slowly moving to untie the ribbon on his head.
Zizhen couldn't easily explain the feeling that came over him, at that, acutely aware that no one else in the room was staring, Zizhen spared himself only what he hoped to be subtle glances in Sizhui's direction.
It was almost as if he was seeing his friend in a different light, softened by his night robes, his distinctive forehead ribbon and hair ornament gone, giving more space for Sizhui himself.
Zizhen felt the instinctive urge to reach out for Sizhui, who was gently brushing his hair with a jade white comb, and forced it down.
What was going on with him?
Ever since then Sizhui had occupied every single free space in his mind, and it was driving him crazy.
Zizhen was a romantic, everyone knows it! He himself has felt rushes of affection course through his veins when encountering a particularly beautiful woman.
Now, fully aware of what said rush implied, why was he feeling it, only infinitely multiplied, when he thought of Lan Sizhui?
Zizhen knew the obvious conclusion, and felt sick at the thought of his family ever finding out.
He had nothing but respect for the cut-sleeved folk, in fact, his biggest idol was one of them, but with the Ouyang Clan's distaste, he couldn't imagine their reaction.
He shouldn't care, he supposed, what they think, and instead only on what is right.
But they're his family. . . he hadn't even reached adulthood yet – who was he without Baling Ouyang?
The more he thought the more he felt sure he was on his deathbed, throat raw from the stressful gasps of air he found himself inhaling more and more.
He needed to talk to someone about this. Someone he could trust.
"Wei-Qianbei?"
Zizhen had escaped the rest of the juniors as soon as possible without being suspicious, stating that he'd forgotten something at their quarters.
The guilt of lying within the Gusu Lan region was nothing compared to the turmoil inside him, threatening to tear him apart.
He didn't know quite what to expect, in fact, coming to Wei-Qianbei was definitely an impulsive decision, but he felt confident about it, if a little embarrassed.
To Zizhen, there is literally no one cooler than Wei-Qianbei. . . showing up at his door randomly during a crisis of feelings isn't exactly the impression he wants to give off, but he's desperate, and personally he's always found Hanguang-jun the more intimating of the two.
He flushed red as soon as Wei-Qianbei opened his doors, bowing slightly.
"A-zhen? Is everything okay? Where are the others?"
Zizhen realises a little belatedly that him showing up to Wei-Qianbei's door alone might imply that something had gone wrong with the others, and is quick to amend. "Nothing's wrong, Wei-Qianbei, I was only wondering if I might have a word with you. . . privately?"
The senior looked terribly confused, but let him anyway, leading him into the (thankfully empty) Jingshi, and letting him take a seat.
Zizhen tried to keep his fidgeting to himself as Wei-Qianbei poured them both some tea, but found he broke easily.
"Wei-Qianbei," He started, both fast and hesitant, an awkward lilt on his tone. "How did you know you liked Hanguang-jun?"
The pause in tea flow was almost imperceptible, and the man took his time replying, holding out a cup for Zizhen.
"Are you asking how I knew I liked Hanguang-jun, or how I knew I liked men?"
A good thing that Zizhen had come prepared for Wei-Qianbei's lack of subtlety. He cleared his throat slightly, willing confidence into his voice. "The latter."
Wei-Qianbei hummed. "I must say I feel like I've always known," Zizhen's heart dropped a little. "It was kind of hard to ignore the fact that my feelings for men and women were shared."
Zizhen felt like his head was going to explode. "You mean – ! You can do that? You can – you can like both?"
That made a lot more sense.
"Mn, I'd call myself the prime example."
Zizhen tried very hard not to gape. ". . . and Hanguang-jun?"
The man from him snorted, resting his hand on his jaw. "He's pretty steadfast on the one side."
Zizhen nodded. "Mn."
His face fell again. His next words were downtrodden, almost whispered.
"Father won't be pleased."
Wei-Qianbei suddenly looked very annoyed. "How a clan so close to the Yunmeng Jiang clan in location can be so far apart in values never ceases to amaze me." He shuffled over to the other side of the table, speaking so close, Zizhen could see the near invisible freckles on his face. "If anything ever happens with your family you come right here, okay? The Lan Clan will be happy to host you – the Jiang Clan too if that's closer, A-Ling can help you in the Jin Clan too, I'm sure."
The sincerity in his normally so playful senior had the back of his eyes tingling, he nodded quickly, not quite trusting his voice.
"Aiya – come here."
He was more than grateful to accept the hug, warm arms enveloping him as if they were shields.
If Wei-Qianbei felt Zizhen shaking with muted sobs, he didn't say anything, only rubbed the junior's shoulder comfortingly, and let him be the first to break the hug.
Zizhen let out a wet laugh. "Thank you, Wei-Qianbei."
He was only waved off with an easy smile, before being handed yet another cup of tea.
It had been two days since Zizhen had come to Wei-Qianbei for advice.
Which was greatly appreciated, and Zizhen felt a lot better, but. . .
He really had to tell his friends.
Zizhen had no idea how he hadn't realised earlier – his mind seemed more than content to hum about nothing but his. . . appreciation of men now!
He figured it'd be better to tell them plainly instead lf accidentally blurt it out.
He knew well that it couldn't go too wrong, all four of them, of course, were constantly exposed to the experience that was Wei Wuxian's very public displays of affection to his husband.
But he was still nervous, not that they'd hate him, he knew they wouldn't, only. . .
He was nervous they'd see him differently.
How could they not? Their most romantic friend apparently had another side to him – how would they react? Maybe it'd be awkward, maybe they wouldn't want to share physical affection anymore. . .
Which was fine! He'd never want to make them uncomfortable, only he'd long, oh how he'd yearn.
So he resolved to just go for it, confess himself in front of the three of them, he spent the whole day working up the confidence.
Confidence which instantly dissipated once he had his three friends sprawled out on the floor of Sizhui and Jingyi's room, looking up expectantly at him.
He quickly sat down, finding shared eye-level for comfortable.
"So. . . I'm bisexual."
He tried to gauge their reaction, getting more stressed by the millisecond.
"It's when –"
"We know what it is." Ling interrupted.
Well then. "I – ? What? How? I didn't!"
"None of our Clan's are nearly as ignorant as Baling Ouyang –"
Sizhui cut off Ling with a quick look, too polite to do so with words. "That's great, Zizhen. I'm glad you could trust us with that."
Zizhen flushed.
"Yeah, cool that you could figure it out, I tried for precisely one second before it got exhausting and I decided I don't care enough to think further." Jingyi pitched in, leaning back on his hands. "Like who I like, don't who I don't."
Sizhui looked thoughtful. "Zewu-jun once explained his pansexuality to me. . . I think that suits me well. It's when you like people regardless of their gender." He added the last part with a smile in Zizhen's direction.
The three of them looked expectantly at Ling.
He huffed, crossing his arms, nose in the air. "It's none of your damn business who I am or am not attracted too!"
Jingyi laughed boldly at his attitude.
Sizhui gave him a soft smile. "That's okay too."
"I had no idea so many people. . . weren't heterosexual."
Sizhui turned to Zizhen then. "It's quite common I think, Wen-gege was telling me about it, both he and his sister also weren't heterosexual, apparently Wen Qing and baba joked about it a lot."
Zizhen spluttered. "Women too?"
"Mn." Was his confirmation. "I think he said Wen Qing and Jiang Yanli danced around eachother at one point."
"My mother?" Jin Ling looked mortified. "But my parents loved eachother? Everyone says so."
"Yeah, and that was obviously before they started courting, dumbass." Jingyi rolled his eyes. "It's not that uncommon to have previous experience before marriage."
"Plus, it's not like it would have been easy for Wen Qing and Jiang Yanli to get together. . ."
Ling nodded. "Because they were both women."
"Because they were on different sides of the fucking war." Jingyi deadpanned.
A pause.
"And because they were women."
Jin Ling leaned back, struck dumb for a moment in thought. "Do you think. . . do you think my father was like that too?"
"We could ask Wei-Qianbei. . ."
It was only a few hours later that they found Wei-Qianbei and questioning him, to which he only laughed and pinched the closest cheek, which just so happened to be Ling's blazing red one.
"Aiya children, don't you know? Over half your seniors are cut-sleeves, only with varying degrees of equanimity about it – that includes my dear brother in law."
It was such a typical of a response from him, the kind that left their senior strolling off with laughter on his expression, while the juniors froze still, taking the time to process his words.
Only about a minute passed.
"Oh my god." Zizhen held a tone of awed disbelief. "Everyone is so fucking queer."
Now all that was left was figure out what do about his apparent crush on a certain Lan. . . Really it was all Sizhui's fault for being that pretty.
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